TEASER

EXT. – HUB – STREET – DAY

We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN kneeling in the center of the street, head back, and yelling something.

Pull in.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(yelling)
AAAALLLLYYYYSSSOONNNN!!!!

Pan toward the building and we see the door open. ALYSON HANNIGAN pokes her head out.

ALYSON HANNIGN
I said go away!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Please! I just wanna talk!

ALYSON HANNIGAN
We have nothing to talk about.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
PLEASE!!!!

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Fine.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN jumps to his feet and scurries to the door, a grin on his face.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’ve been reading this book that
says girls like a guy who’s persistent.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Oh God…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
and that you shouldn’t give up
trying to get what you want.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Didn’t I sign a restraining order
against you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
and that through constant badgering you can wear down
their will and make them yours forever and ever.
(grins)

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Look, I’ve been meaning to tell you this.
But I already have someone in my life.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Doctor What?

ALYSON HANNIGAN
No. Someone new. Someone better.

The door opens wider to reveal FLOCCULENCIO in a too short bathrobe.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, what’s up?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN stares for a moment.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(shocked and horrified)
HIM????
HIMMM?????

FLOCCULENCIO
What can I say? Girls love the goat.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
HIMMM!!!!

ALYSON HANNIGAN
I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
(beat)
Well, actually I’m really not.
I’m glad you found out this way.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
HIMMM!!!

FLOCCULENCIO
Dude, you’re running our fun.
Get lost.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I.. I…
(begins tearing up)
I… I…
(runs off sobbing)

The two stand there for a moment. FLOCCULENCIO hand slide to ALYSON HANNIGAN’S hips.

FLOCCULENCIO
So…
(grins)

ALYSON HANNIGAN
(pushing him away)
Get your hands off me, fiend.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, now. You’re the one who came running here.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Only to get away from him!

FLOCCULENCIO
And into my arms?
(grins)

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Oh my God. Is Doctor What the
only decent one among your crew?

FLOCCULENCIO
I’m pretty decent… in bed.

ALYSON HANNIGAN storms off and disappears into the crowds.

The door opens wider and MICHAEL stands beside FLOCCULENCIO, also in a too short bathrobe.

MICHAEL
The red headed devil woman gone?

FLOCCULENCIO
You really gotta stop calling her that.

MICHAEL
What did she want?

FLOCCULENCIO
Hiding from Psycho.

MICHAEL
(nods)
I see…
(beat)
So we going to do this or not?

FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah, yeah.
Don’t be in such a rush.
You gotta take these things slow and enjoy it.

FLOCCULENCIO turns and walks toward a back room, leaving MICHAEL at the door.

MICHAEL
(shouting after)
Hey, I’m not the one complaining.
Doc says he’s losing feeling in his hands!

A too short bathrobe hits MICHAEL in the face.

MICHAEL
(beat)
Hey! Wait for me!!

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“GBW CONQUERS THE NYMPHOMANIACS OF MARS”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

EXT. – DEVASTATED CITY – DAY

Smoke rises from craters dotting a ruined city, we see odd looking vessels soaring across the air.

A woman rises from behind a broken slab of concrete and raises what looks to be a rocket launcher onto her shoulders. She fires off a rocket then dives into a sewer opening a few feet away.

We see one of the ships in the sky exploded dramatically.

Fade out:

INT. – HIDEOUT – DAY

We see a ladder descend and a woman, the women from before, make her way down it. Another woman is sitting at a station, headphones on her head and twisting knobs on a radio set.

ROCKET WOMAN
Anything?

RADIO GIRL
Nada. It’s nothing but static.

Another woman walks in.

THIRD WOMAN
It’s a damned waste of time, I tell you.

ROCKET WOMAN
We must have faith.

RADIO GIRL
They’ll contact us. I know they will.

THIRD WOMAN
You’re all damned fools!
(stalks off)
They’re not coming back.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

We see GBW sitting at a booth, alone, a cup of tea before him. He’s flipping through a book.

Another figure walks up and slides into the seat across from him.

GBW
(looking up)
Huh?

The other figure is THE BALD IMPOSTER.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey.

GBW
Can I help you?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I’m sure you can.

GBW
(uncomfortable silence)
I don’t know what the guys have been
telling you, but I’m not homosexual.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What?

GBW
Look, it may just seem that way, but I assure
you that I like the female half of the gender.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Dude. I’m not hitting on you.

GBW
You sure?
(beat)
Why not?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Damn it.
This is why I don’t come to bars anymore.
You try talking to some other guy and
they immediately think you’re gay.

GBW
It was more the overly tight muscle shirt,
the too groomed appearance, and the fact
that you’re sporting a gay pride button.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I’m what?
(pulls off button)
Damn it! That explains all the guys hitting on me!
(tosses away button)
Look, I’m here because I’ve heard you can do things.

GBW
Again, I’m not gay.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
No. I’m looking to join a crew of a ship.
I hear you’re the person to ask.

GBW
Me? Who told you that?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Some guy named Bruno.
Said you’d know how to handle me.

GBW
(sighs)
I think he thought you were gay.
What did you actually say to him?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I heard he was the captain of a ship.
So I came up to him and told him of I wanted to join him and
didn’t mind the rough and dirty business. Then he said Kit was
gone for the evening, but that you could take care of me.

GBW
(sighing again)
Bugger. They keep thinking I’m gay.
Why is that!
(muttering)
I’ll show them.. I’ll show them all!

THE BALD IMPOSTER
So this ship you captain. How is it to be one of the crew?

GBW
Um…
I’m not really the ca-

A woman walks up, JAMIE. Behind her are two other women, DREW and JESSIE.

JAMIE
You’re a ship captain?

GBW
Uh…

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(jumping up and grinning)
I’m his partner and first mate.
You’re the closest pair of guys you’ll ever meet!

GBW
Uh…
(glances at Bald Imposter)
excuse us for a moment please?

GBW pulls aside THE BALD IMPOSTER.

GBW
What are you doing?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, man. Don’t’ worry. It’s not like I’m cutting
in on you. Just let me pretend to be you’re
first mate and let me score with one of them.
(beat)
Please?

GBW
Okay…

They turn back to the three women.

GBW
(smiling broadly)
Yup. I’m a ship captain.

JAMIE
Oh, thank god we found one.

JESSIE
It’s about time too.

JESSIE smiles and pulls out a stun gun. She zaps GBW.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Holy crap.
Look I’m not-

JESSIE zaps him too.

DREW
We taking both of them?

JAMIE
We might as well. Two are better than one.

They drag both GBW and THE BALD IMPOSTER out of the door.

ANOTHER PART OF THE PUB

DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON M are sitting at a table, drinking.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, am I seeing things or did GBW just get
dragged out of the bar by some girl?

WEAPON M
Yup.

DOCTOR WHAT
I thought he liked guys?

WEAPON M
There’s a type of girl that seems to like gay guys.
Figure they think they can probably turn ‘em or
something by sexing them up good.

DOCTOR WHAT
Lucky bastard.

WEAPON M
Yup.

The two continue drinking.

EXT. – HUB SPACE – DAY

We see a clunky smoky rusty looking ship lurch it’s way from the docks, belching a huge cloud of smoke.

INT. – SHIP – DAY

We see GBW stir.

There are voices talking around him, the female voices of his captors and another voice, a deeper and rougher voice.

ROUGH VOICE
Now, see here Missy. You said you’d
have the damned payment.

JAMIE
Look, I clearly stated that payment would be
given when we arrived back to my planet.

ROUGH VOICE
Well, I think we could work out a deal, little lady.
I can accept… All Forms of payment.
If you catch my drift.

JESSIE
Don’t’ you worry about your payment.
We’ll give it to you, we just need to hurry back.

ROUGH GUY
May be so, little darlin’ but me and my boys
are looking for a little… upfront payment.

There’s a lurid chuckle of unseen men.

JESSIE
Fuck you.

ROUGH GUY
Readin’ my mind, girlie.

GBW’s eyes snap open and he clamors to his feet.

GBW
What the hell is going on here?

The scene is simple, the women who kidnapped him are standing against the bulkhead while the Rough Voice fellow is standing, grinning, with several men behind him. They all have the look of rough and dirty men.

GBW
I suggest we turn this ship around and return to the Hub.

ROUGH GUY
Best keep your opinions to yourself, boyo.
Else you’ll be breathing vaccum like these
girls will be when we’re done with ‘em.

JESSIE
Go to hell, all of you.
Lay one hand on us and you’ll be regretting
it for the rest of your very short lives.

The men begin laughing hysterically.

ROUGH GUY
Girl, you shouldn’t make
threats you can’t keep..

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well, it’s a good thing I’m a gentlemen, ain’t it?

THE BALD IMPOSTER throws himself at the Rough Men. GBW quickly digs into his pocket, pulling out various bits and things, he begins sorting them out.

The women join the fray, kicking and slapping at the Rough Men. THE BALD IMPOSTER kicks a man in the crotch, while pummeling another. Three of the Rough Men are down, and the leader of the group is rolling about the floor, the girl JESSIE strangling him.

GBW puts together a small device and points it at the mass of fighting. He depresses a button and energy seems to crackle in the room. Suddenly everyone’s staggering about, looking cross eyed and confused. GBW points the device at each Rough Man and they fall to the floor unconscious. Within moments all the Rough Men are down and out.

THE BALD IMPOSTER sits down on a chair, holding his head.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Man, it feels like that time I went drinking
and woke up in a bed full of guys.
(GBW looks at him askance)
No. Not that way, damn it. I mean by the headache,
it reminds me of that night. And the guys, it was
the drunk tank that only had one bed, so everyone
tried getting in it. I didn’t have sex with those guys!
I’m not gay!

GBW
I didn’t say anything.

A long silence descends in the room.

GBW looks at the women, who are nursing a couple of small injuries.

GBW
Care to explain?

They look at one another.

JAMIE stands up and clears her throat.

JAMIE
It’s difficult to begin.

GBW walks to a computer and begins hitting buttons, various diagrams flash across the screen.

GBW
Looks like we’re in for a longish ride.
Please start from the beginning.

The three women look at one another.

JESSIE
See, I told you he was a captain.
I mean he knows how to use those computers.

DREW
He doesn’t look very captain-y.

GBW
Not to interrupt, but you’ve seem to have skipped
the introductory portion of the storytelling.

DREW
We came to get a captain.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I was a captain once.
But then they fixed the computer error and
kicked me back to a private.
Best ten minutes of my life.
All those men doing what I said.
(grins dreamily)

JAMIE
Our world is in desperate need of a captain.

GBW
Again, that’s jumping to the middle of the explanation.

JESSIE
We didn’t have time to negotiate for one that was experienced.

DREW
So we decided we might as well just kidnap one.

JAMIE
It’s a horrible way to do things, but you have to understand.

DREW
We were desperate.

JESSIE
And we were willing to do what it took to save our world.

GBW rubs his forehead.

GBW
Somewhere in there was an explanation, I’m sure.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
No prob, girls.
No prob at all.
Me and captain…
(beat)
what’s your name again?

GBW
GBW.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Me and captain GBW wouldn’t let damsels in distress go unassisted.
There ain’t no situation too hard, no man too strong, or oily, or sweaty,
or ruggedly handsome in a Robert Redford sort of way that we won’t go down on…
(beat)
Take down! I mean take down!
There’s no guy we’d take down…
For girls, that is…
(nervous laugh)

GBW
I’m sure your situation is grave, but you have to understand that
kidnapping is not a way to resolve the situation. The Hub is filled
with people who would willingly help you out. Hell the AH.com
ship fights evil for far less reasons. I’m sure if-

There’s a crash and a boom

JESSIE
What the hell?

GBW lurches for a control panel, tapping out command.

GBW
I think we’re begin pulled out of Transit Space.

JAMIE
What does that mean?

GBW
Someone’s scanning the Transpace around this universe,
looking for anyone that might be coming into it. Now that
they’ve spotted us, they’re forcing us to surface in real
space, in a spot they choose.

JAMIE
They can do that?

GBW
It takes some high tech to do it and
most of the time it’s not very successful.

JAMIE
What happens if it’s not successful?

GBW
Can you say “Big Kaboom”?

EXT – SPACE – DAY

We see a badly formed vortex appear, from out of it spews the smoky ship.

The vortex vanishes and we pull back a bit and see dozens of ships encircling it.

INT. – SMOKY SHIP – DAY

GBW and the others look at the screen.

GBW
Let me guess.
The bad guys?

JAMIE
Yeah. They’re the bad guys alright.
(beat)
Um. Can we run or something.

GBW
(looking at the ships controls)
I’m surprised this piece of junk survived the exit.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, I think they’re hailing us.

GBW
Hopefully we can get some answers here.

JAMIE
Be careful, this is one scary dude.

The tiny view monitor comes to life, showing an attractive woman in a severe looking military uniform. She can be seen smoking a long stem cigarette.

GBW
Uh.. hello?

MILITARY WOMAN
This is Admiral Watson of the New World Unification fleet.
Power down your vessel and prepare to be boarded.

JAMIE
(displeased)
Hello, Sam.

ADMIRAL WATSON
I shall be addressed with my full
name and rank, Earther Scum.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hot Damn, I love it when chicks have guys name.
I always like it when they wear guy clothes,
their cologne, and cut their hair like a guy…
(beat)
What?

ADMIRAL WATSON
Oh? What is this? Men?
You’re smuggling men?
(leers at GBW)
Hmm… why don’t you just hand the ship over to us,
lovely, and we’ll make your wildest dreams reality.

GBW
(gaping)
I find that strangely arousing.

ADMIRAL WATSON
We know how to treat men in our nation.

GBW
Unfortunately, I seem to be caught in the middle of this
disagreement. Seeing as I’m not a party to this, I’ll gladly
power down my ship and allow you on board.

JAMIE hits the control panel, and the monitor goes blank.

JAMIE
Don’t!

GBW
Now see here-

JAMIE
Don’t trust them. Whatever you do.
They’re evil!

JESSIE
They really are, man.
They’ll kill you as soon as you power down.

DREW
They can’t be trusted.
We have to flee!
(shudders)

GBW
Look! I don’t know what’s going on here. But whatever it is,
I’m not a-freakin-part of it. Understand? You kidnapped me
and you don’t tell me a damn thing, either that gets resolved
or I hand over this ship to this woman.

The three women are silent, DREW shudders. THE BALD IMPOSTER walks up and puts an arm around her.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Dude. This may not be our fight, but I’ll be damned if I’m letting
any girls get hurt over this. You can’t trust that bitch, even I know
that. She oozes evil military babe all over the place.

GBW
(shaking head)
What makes you think they’re any better? For all we know they’re worse
than that bunch out there. All I know is that they’re not the ones who
kidnapped me and they’re not the ones trafficking with criminals.

JESSIE
How many times do we have to say that we were desperate
and didn’t have time to go through the proper channels?

GBW
Fine. Fine. You were desperate.
But that still doesn’t tell me anything.

JAMIE
Well it began when-

BOOM!

The ship shakes.

GBW brings up information.

GBW
Well, it seems they’re firing upon us.
(hits buttons)
I don’t think this ship can handle much of a pounding.
(hits more buttons)
Nope it can’t.

DREW
(huddling in Bald Imposter’s arms)
What are you going to do??

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well real men would kick their asses.
(looks pointedly at GBW)

GBW
(sighing)
This ship isn’t designed to fight anything
resembling a threat, much less a warship.

JAMIE
We must flee!

GBW
Well, that’s pretty much an impossibility at this moment.

JESSIE
(grimly)
What we need here is some motivation.

GBW
Violence is not going to get you anything, ma’am.

JESSIE
Violence?
I don’t need no stinking violence.
Not when I have these!

JESSIE pulls up her top, revealing her well endowments.

JESSIE
Motivation enough?

GBW is already at the controls and the smoky ship is zooming and zig zagging through the fleet.

DREW
(sotto voce)
Is he doing it because he likes them,
or because he’s scared of them?

JAMIE
I.. I don’t know.

Fade out:

INT. – SMOKY SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

GBW rummages through a dirty refrigerator and pulls out a bag of chips and a case of beer.

GBW
Oddly not much different than back on the AH.com ship.
(settles down to his meal)

JAMIE walks into the mess hall, smiling brightly at him.

GBW
Beer?

JAMIE
Oh, no! all those carbs…

GBW
We’re being hunted down by a fleet of warships
in a ship that’s barely holding together on spit
and a prayer and you’re worried about carbs?

JAMIE
Well, now if you put it that way, it does seem silly.
But I plan on living past this moment of terror.
So keep you temptress ways to yourself.

GBW
Temptress?
Me?

JAMIE
You know what I mean.

GBW
I’m obviously being mistaken for someone else.
The rest of the AH.com crew, maybe.

JAMIE
Who is this AH.com crew you talk about?

GBW
(wistfully)
It’s my ship.

JAMIE
(looks slightly ashamed)
I know I haven’t said it before, but I’m sorry we
had to kidnap you and your first mate. Especially
when you two were probably having a nice
time together.

GBW
Uh… sure…
Right…

JAMIE
I know it used to so hard for me and my partner to
find enough time together. Then this whole war happened.

GBW
(disheartened)
Boyfriend, huh?
(beat)
Wait. Partner?
You’re gay?

JAMIE
(nods)
Everyone here is gay.

GBW
(thinking)
That makes… four or five Lesbian Universes
I’ve been too. Man, they get around.
(beat)
Wait, what about Drew, she seems pretty
attached to the Bald Imposter.

JAMIE
Oh, she’s gay too.
(pause)
Say, you got such a pretty mouth.
(sets her hand upon GBW’s)
Do you want to find a secluded spot?

GBW
Uh.. didn’t you say you were a lesbian.

JAMIE
Oh, I’m n-

Suddenly the ship shakes violently. Alarms begin blaring.

JAMIE
What’s happening?

GBW
Something bad, I’m assuming.

GBW and JAMIE rush out the door. THE BALD IMPOSTER comes running out of a closet, shirtless with DREW trailing behind him, equally disheveled.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Are we gonna die?
I was just getting some action!

GBW
I don’t know.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well, if we are. Mind if I finish up back here?
I wanna die doing what I love.

GBW
(sighing)
Just get to the bridge.

They rush into the bridge of the ship, JESSIE is standing staring at a monitor. On it shows the fleet of chasing ships suddenly large and surrounding them.

JESSIE
I don’t know what happened.

GBW hits some buttons on a control panel.

GBW
This is odd, but someone shut down the engines.
I thought you guys said you didn’t know how to operate a ship?

JESSIE
Those peace loving idiots from Earth don’t, but
we war loving masters of war from Mars do!

GBW
Huh?

DREW
A spy!
In our midst!
You bitch!

JESSIE
(laughs)
Fools. You think that we didn’t
know about your little plan?
We know everything.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Dude, what’s going on here.

GBW
I have no idea. But I think we’ve just been betrayed.
Or saved, I’m still trying to decide which are the
good guy sand whom are the bad.

JAMIE
You’ll never take us alive!
GBW activate the self destruct.

GBW
Uh.. this ship doesn’t have one.
What makes you think it would?

JAMIE
Reruns of Star Trek…

THE BALD IMPOSTER
You like Star Trek? Damn, that’s hot.
You want to join me in the broom closet?

GBW
Baldie! Concentrate!

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Did you just call me Baldie?

DREW
I like it. It matches you.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well, if the lady likes it.

JESSIE
Shut up! All of you!
I’m here to say that your time is up and that
the Earther Resistance has come to an end!
Enjoy your captivity.
(laughs)

GBW
not if I can help it.
(reaches for controls)

JESSIE does a judo chop and GBW crumples to the floor unconscious.

JESSIE
Any more heroic actions?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Man, that’s hot.

Fade out:

INT. – CELL – DAY

GBW opens his eyes and groans.

JAMIE
Oh, you’re awake.
I was worried.

GBW
How long have I been out?

JAMIE
About a day.

GBW
A day?

JAMIE
Jessie judo chopped you good.

GBW
(looks down)
what happened to my pants?

JAMIE
The guards took ‘em. They tried to
have their way with you, those sluts.

GBW
Oh?
Man, they must have been desperate.

JAMIE
They haven’t seen a guy in a year.
Of course they want to jump the bones
of the first guy they see. It’s only natural.

GBW
Remind me to ask you what the hell is going on,
once my brain stops trying to vomit.

GBW looks around. He sees DREW sitting in the corner, looking depressed.

GBW
Where’s Baldie?

JAMIE
They took him about five hours ago.

GBW
For what?

JAMIE
(folding arms across chest)
Like is said, they’re sluts.

GBW
(beat)
Oh…
Good for him…
(pondering)
Well, this kind of explains things.
One world, obviously Mars, that’s seemingly
heterosexual. The other, Earth, seemingly
homosexual. No wonder they’re war. But
that doesn’t explain the lack of males…

JAMIE
Oh, Mar’s isn’t he-

The cell door opens and THE BALD IMPOSTER gets shoved in. He lands on the floor in a heap, a big grin plastered on his face. He lies there for a moment, then glances up to GBW and JAMIE.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well, now I forgive you guys for kidnapping me…
(rolls on his back)
Wow…
I mean.. wow…

DREW
(icily)
Have fun?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hell, yeah.
(beat)
Oh. Uh… no?

DREW
Asshole.

JAMIE
(to GBW, sotto voce)
She seems pissed.

GBW
Really?
(to JAMIE)
So tell me, what the hell is going on here?

JAMIE
(sighs)
It begins, like all good stories, a long time ago in a universe far,
far away. The original universe wasn’t what you called alternative
lifestyle friendly, so we packed up and headed out. We found a
world that was both uninhabited and began anew. But like all new
societies, we were split. Some of us wanted to live in peace and
some of us wouldn’t let go of their warlike desires.
(breath)
So, the warlike ones left, ironically settling on Mars. The ones who
wanted peace, stayed on Earth. Everything was fine, we lived in
peace. Then that ship came and spread a virus among the people
of both planets.

GBW
(interested)
A ship?
A virus?

JAMIE
It changed everything. It caused chaos and nearly drove both our
societies into the ground. The Martians being war like and evil,
decided the only way to soldier on was to start a war with Earth.
That way they could become united under one goal. It has un-
fortunately been too successful. We have been driven underground
and all our glorious cities and works have been destroyed.

GBW
So… what was the whole deal with kidnapping us?

JAMIE
We are a peaceful people, but we needed someone with
experience to fly the ship we built, to lead us into battle.

GBW
And you choose me?
I’m.. I’m flattered.

JAMIE
It was a desperate choice.

GBW
I’m still flattered.
Do you know who these ship people
were that brought the virus?

JAMIE
I don’t know. I know it was a massive ship, heavily armed and
commanded by a cruel and evil woman. She… uh… came looking
for sexual partners, for her and her crew. She found none and
instead release the virus upon our worlds and tok what she wanted.

GBW
That’s a pretty odd reason to release a virus that caused such chaos.

JAMIE
I said she was cruel and evil.

GBW
Right.
Did you get the name of this ship?

JAMIE
Yeah, everyone knows it. The A-

The door slams open and three female guards enter the room, brandishing clubs.

GUARD 1
Which one again?
The tubby one or the one that looks like
he just fell of a gay pride parade float?

GUARD 2
The Tubby One.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, I don’t look like I fell off
a gay pride parade float!

One of the women walks up to THE BALD IMPOSTER, leering at him.

GUARD 3
Can I have him?

GUARD 1
Not now. Later.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Man. I’m so loving this place.
(grins)

GUARD 2
Shut up.
(to GBW)
Tubby one. Get up and lets go.

GBW
I’m not going unless you tell me what I’m being taken for.

GUARD 1
Come with us or you’ll be beaten with a rubber hose.

GBW
Alright, I’m coming.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Dude. Just keep an open mind.
These girls are KINK-KEY, in capital letters.
So just keep an open mind and go with the flow.

GBW
What?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I’m wasn’t what you call a big fan of the strap-ons, before this,
but now it’s definitely going in my bag of tricks.

GBW
Uh…

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Keep an open mind.

GBW and the GUARDS leave.

INT. – LARGE ROOM – DAY

GBW is sitting upon the carpeted floor, hands tied behind his back.

GBW
(mumbling)
As long as they don’t grab my ass and call me supple, I can handle it…

GUARD 2 smacks GBW’s ass.

GUARD 1
Nice and supple, eh?

GUARD 2
Could use some work.
You can’t bounce a quarter off of it.

GBW
I’m not a piece of meat.

GUARD 1
I’d do him.

GUARD 2
I guess I would too.

GBW
Treat me like a piece of meat.
Please?

A door opens and a woman in a severe military uniforms walks in. ADMIRAL WATSON, behind her is JESSIE.

ADMIRAL WATSON
(leering at GBW)
Not bad.

GBW
It’s the lack of men in the last year that’s causing
that reaction. In reality, most women are turned off
by my lack of hygiene and basic social skills.

JESSIE
This one’s the smart one.
The other one’s just good to look at.

ADMIRAL WATSON
So they were going to use you to command
the ship that was supposed to defeat us, eh?

GBW
I have no idea what you are talking about.

JESSIE
I haven’t seen this ship they said they have, but
it’s possible that they might actually have one.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Unlikely.
But then again, we can’t take chances.
(grins at GBW)
and you’re obviously being very uncooperative.

GBW
I just don’t know anything.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Jessie, bring out Leroy.

GBW
Leroy? Who’s Leroy?

ADMIRAL WATSON
It’s not who, but what?

JESSIE brings sets a huge dildo upon the table.

GBW
Uh..

ADMIRAL WATSON
Call it vigorous interrogation.

GBW
Open mind, indeed.

Fade out:

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – CELL – DAY

JAMIE, DREW, and THE BALD IMPOSTER sit in the cell.

JAMIE
Damn, it. We have to get out of here!

DREW
Yeah, because it’s so easy to do that.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I kinda like it here…

DREW
(acidly)
I’ll bet.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(oblivious)
Yup. I really do…

JAMIE
(worried)
What will they do to GBW?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Probably the same thing they did to me.
(grins)
Lube and tug in all the right places.

JAMIE
That’s not helping, Baldie.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Oh? I was supposed to be helping.
Well, should we just take out mind off things
for a bit? I suggest you begin taking off your
top and we’ll proceed from there.

The door opens to the cell and GUARD 2 enters. She grins at THE BALD IMPOSTER.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
See, my charm is already working
it’s miraculous magic.

JAMIE
Desperation tends to cloud the mind.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
That why I usually picked up all
my chicks at support groups.

GUARD 2
You. Take off your pants.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Already did.

DREW
Wow. That was pretty quick.

JAMIE suddenly tackles GUARD 2 while she’s distracted. They tumble on the floor for a moment and then DREW joins the fray. THE BALD IMPOSTER watches.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I so do enjoying coming to this universe.

GUARD 2
Alright! Alright! I give up!
Lemme go!

JAMIE and DREW tie up the guard and disarm her.

DREW
Now. What do we do?

JAMIE
We find GBW and we get out of here.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
You two can go without me. I think I kinda like it here…

JAMIE
(points gun at the Bald Imposter)
You’re coming with us.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, you know what?
I think I might join you two.
Rescuing GBW are we?
(grins)
Always liked that guy.

The three leave.

INT. – ROOM – DAY

GBW backs up into a wall, before him are JESSIE and ADMIRAL WATSON. Both are stripped naked and advancing upon him with determination.

GBW
Ladies. I assure you there are better
ways to get information out of me than this.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Yes, I’m sure there is, but this is the way we do it on Mars.

GBW
I would make the suggestion that you begin
reforming your interrogation techniques.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Does he always sound so insufferably smart?

JESSIE
Yes. Yes he does.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Gag him.

JESSIE advances upon him with a ball gag.

Suddenly the door crashes open and JAMIE and DREW are there, THE BALD IMPOSTER peeks in, sees what he likes and enters the room fully.

JAMIE
GBW! Did they touch you!

GBW
Um… they attempted some indignities on me.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, Leroy ain’t all that bad.
Like I said, open mind.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Get them!

The two women charge the others.

THE BALD IMPOSTER gets shoved out of the way by DREW as she tackles JESSIE and ADMIRAL WATSON tackles JAMIE. THE BALD IMPOSTER heads for GBW.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, I like your thong.

GBW
Um.. thanks?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Really, it does wonders for you ass. Makes it look supple.

GBW
(sighs)
I think we should help the women.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Nah. Never try to interfere when chicks are fighting.
You’ll end up with your pecker torn off or something.

GBW
You really put things in perspective.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
It’s what I do.

The four women continue fighting.

GBW
I wonder how long this’ll last?

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

JAMIE, DREW, GBW, and THE BALD IMPOSTER, all dressed in sever military uniforms, move down the hall. GBW and THE BALD IMPOSTER wear long wigs and have bundles stuffed into their coats.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Man, I look lopsided.
(adjusts bundles)
Now they’re too close together.

GBW
I’ve never seen a man more worried about
the position of his fake breasts in my life.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
If you’re going to do something.
Do it right.

GBW
Do we know where we’re going?

JAMIE
There should be a shuttle bay on this level.
We’ll steal a shuttle and head back to earth.

GBW
Do you know the distances involved?
A shuttle is not a spacecraft that can
travel long distances.

JAMIE
Then we steal a ship.

GBW
Ships aren’t exactly easy to steal.

JAMIE
Then you come up with a bloody plan!

GBW walks up to a map on the wall and scans at it for a few seconds.

GBW
Here.

The three gather around him.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What about here?

GBW
The men’s sauna?
(sighs)
Just keep a look out would you?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I can do that.

DREW
What do you need us to do?

GBW watches THE BALD IMPOSTER for a moment.

GBW
Make sure he doesn’t get us in any trouble.

DREW nods and joins THE BALD IMPOSTER keeping a look out.

JAMIE
What’s the plan?

GBW
I think we can get to the computer core of this place
and disrupt it so that we can make our escape.

JAMIE
Can that be done?

GBW
I’ve done it a few times before.

JAMIE
Wow, you’re really talented.

GBW
Tell that to the crew of my ship.
(looks at the map)
Alright, let’s go.

INT. – WATSON’S ROOM – DAY

ADMIRAL WATSON rises up off the floor. She glares about and jerks JESSIE to her feet.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Find them.
Then kill them.

JESSIE
What about the men?

ADMIRAL WATSON
KILL THEM ALL!

JESSIE
But-

ADMIRAL WATSON
Fine, you can keep one.

JESSIE
Whoo-hoo!
(runs out the door)

ADMIRAL WATSON
Hey, where did Leroy go?

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, look what I took.

GBW
Why would you take that?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Why not?

GBW
It’s a giant phallus.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What? You’re scared of it or something.

GBW
No. It’s that there’s no reason to be carrying it around.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well, seeing as we’re unarmed. I was thinking
I could use it as a bat or womthing…
(gives it a few practice swings)

GBW
Right…

JAMIE
Why is your friend swing around that huge cock?

GBW
That question, oddly, has been asked of me before.
(glances at the Bald Imposter)
I think he likes it…

JAMIE
Right…

INT. – COMPUTER ROOM – DAY

Outside the door lie two unconscious guards.

THE BALD IMPOSTER is twirling around the Leroy.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
See. It works.

GBW
I never said it wouldn’t work.
I was more concerned about the visual aspect
of carrying around a large phallic device.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
But it worked.

GBW

You could have at least taken
the weapons they had on them.

THE BALD IMPOSTER

Why? I’ve got my giant cock as a weapon.

GBW

That statement disturbs me more than
anything has in the last few weeks.

JAMIE

I’ve got the guns.
I think we should get to work, before
they know we’ve made a run for it.

Suddenly the alarms begin going off.

GBW
I think they just found out.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

JESSIE and several dozen GUARDS are marching down the corridor, they’re heavily armed and look pissed.

JESSIE
Find them. Keep the pretty one alive.

They march onward.

INT. – COMPUTER ROOM – DAY

JAMIE worried looks at a monitor showing the activating security troops.

JAMIE
If you’re gonna do something, I think now is the best time.

GBW
(cracking knuckles)
Here, goes nothing.
(begins hitting keys)

Nothing.

JAMIE
Uh…

GBW
Wait for it.
(hits keys)

Nothing.

GBW
(hits keys some more)
This.. This has never happened to me.
I mean it.

JAMIE
Don’t worry. I’m sure it happens to everyone.

GBW
Not to me!
I… I don’t…
(shakes head)

THE BALD IMPOSTER pokes his head out the door, there’s a crash of weapons fire. DREW begins firing down the corridor.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Yup. Looks like they’ve found us.

DREW
I think I got one.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Good girl.

JAMIE
Do something.
We’ll hold them off.

GBW
(sighs)
I’ll try.

JAMIE
Don’t try.
Do.

GBW begins bashing his head against the computer console.

INT. – COMMAND CENTER – DAY

A TECHNICIAN looks up.

TECHIE
We’ve managed to secure our computer
systems Nothing will be able to break it.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Excellent.
Send all forces to that computer room, kill them all.

Begins laughing manically.

INT. – COMPUTER ROOM – DAY

GBW is pounding away at the computer keys. Numbers, images, diagrams, and all manner of things flash across the screen. He does not look happy.

Behind him THE BALD IMPOSTER, DREW, and JAMIE are battling it out with the security guards.

JAMIE
We’re gonna be overrun here.

GBW
I think… I got.. it.
(hits last button)

Suddenly everything goes dark.

GBW
Well, some of it, anyway.
(beat)
Who the hell is grabbing my ass!

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Aw, damn it.
I thought you were Jamie.

JAMIE
What are we going to do now.

GBW
Flee.

INT. – COMMAND CENTER – DAY

ADMIRAL WATSON is illuminated by emergency lights.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Restore the damn power!

TECHIE
On it!

The power comes back on.

INT. – COMPUTER ROOM – DAY

The door to the computer room is blasted in. Gurads swarm into the room, weapons drawn. The room is empty, except for…

JESSIE
Who left their giant cock in here?

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

The four are scurrying down the corridor.

GBW
No. We’re not going back.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
But. I left my giant cock behind!

GBW suddenly slides to a stop.

JAMIE
What the hell…

They all look to where GBW is looking.

There’s stenciling on the door proclaiming: SHIP DOCKS.

GBW
I got a plan.

They head toward the docks.

INT. – COMMAND CENTER – DAY

TECHIE
We’ve just got a report saying that some
guards have been attacked in the docks.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Damn it. They’re trying to escape!

JESSIE (over comm)
We’re on our way.

ADMIRAL WATSON
If they escape, it’s your head!

JESSIE (over comm.)
Damn it!

INT. – SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

THE BALD IMPOSTER, GBW, JAMIE, and DREW hurry down a corridor.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I can’t believe they just leave ships lying around like this.

GBW
Something I learned in all the adventures
I’ve been on. Most bad guys are pretty
stupid when it comes to leaving things
where people can get them and use
them against them.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Works for the heroes, though, don’t it?

GBW
Yup.

JAMIE
I think I found the bridge.

GBW
Now to get the hell out of here.

EXT. – SPACE – DOCKS – DAY

We see a ship blast it’s way out of the docks.

INT. – OUTSIDE DOCKS – DAY

JESSIE comes to a halt, glaring as the ship pulls away.

JESSIE
Damn them!

INT. – STOLEN SHIP’S BRIDGE – DAY

JAMIE looks at a screen.

JAMIE
Can I use this?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, it’s the weapons control.
(beat)
Go right on ahead.

GBW
I don’t think-

JAMIE punches buttons on the weapons console.

The ship fires.

GBW
Huh?

INT. – OUTSIDE DOCKS – DAY

We see a rocket flying toward the docks.

JESSIE
Aw, shit.

BOOM!!!!

INT. – STOLEN SHIP’S BRIDGE – DAY .

GBW
Nice shot.

JAMIE
Thanks.
(grins)

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What now?

GBW
We run for freedom.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I think we’ve got company.

The screen shows scores of ships coming their way.

JAMIE
I think we’re doomed.

GBW
Open a channel to the base.

DREW
Uh.. how do you do that?

GBW
(sighs)
I’ll do it myself.

The screen flickers on to show ADMIRAL WATSON.

ADMIRAL WATSON
You can’t escape now, fools.
My ships will hunt you down.

GBW
I’m asking you to surrender.

ADMIRAL WATSON
HA! Surrender. My fleet is approaching.

GBW
Right. About them.
(hits a few buttons)

The screen shows the ships all beginning to drift apart, heading in every which direction.

ADMIRAL WATSON
What?

GBW
Oh, when I hacked you computers, I also
hacked the information being fed to those ships.

ADMIRAL WATSON
You’ll pay for this!

GBW hits more buttons and the lights go off behind ADMIRAL WATSON.

GBW
I still control everything on that base. I could
shut off the power, the lights, you already
don’t have access to the weapons, ships,
or defenses. I could fire a missile from this
ship and blow it all to hell. Now, I suggest
you surrender.

ADMIRAL WATSON
(staring)
We.. we surrender.

GBW
Cool.

The screen turns off.

JAMIE
Oh, my god! That was the most
awesome thing I’ve ever seen!
(throws herself into GBW’s arms)

GBW
(grinning)
I do my best.

He is buried under and avalanche of kisses.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(to Drew)
Y’know he couldn’t have done it without me.

DREW throws herself into THE BALD IMPOSTER’s arms and they begin rolling around on the floor, tearing each other’s clothes off.

GBW
Well.. happy endings.

JAMIE
Oh, they’ll be plenty of those.

Fade out:

MONTAGE

EARTH troops are being ferried by ships captained by women.

The MARTIANS are surrendering en mass.

The EARTH flag flies over MARTIAN bases.

GBW talks with the new captains, showing them how fly the ships.

GBW is looking into a microscope.

THE BALD IMPOSTER swaggers through a room full of women, grinning. He is jumped by all of them.

JAMIE and DREW are heaped with awards and give speeches.

GBW reads stacks of books, labeled: BIOLOGY, CHEMISTRY, BIOCHEMISTRY, etc.

END OF MONTAGE

INT. – GBW’S NEW LAB – DAY

GBW is sitting in front of a computer, numbers scrawling across the monitor. JAMIE is standing beside him, arm draped across his shoulder. In the background DREW and the BALD IMPOSTER are snuggling on a couch.

There’s a large stack of biology books in front of him.

GBW
I’ve been going over the virus you said infected
your populations. Its seems very familiar in design.

JAMIE
I’m not sure you’ll be able to do anything for us.

GBW
The virus is still around, I suppose?

JAMIE
Oh, yes. But seeing as you and Baldie weren’t
infected, I guess it’s not spreading anymore. We
just have to live with the consequences.
(sighs)

GBW
I’ve been looking up the logs of the Martians, they were
the first to get hit with the virus and they recorded the
meeting with the ship that brought the virus.

The monitor flickers to life, an image of a vortex appearing and a ship coming out of it.

GBW
That’s…a very familiar ship.

JAMIE
A nice big long ship.
(grins)

GBW
I know that ship.

JAMIE
Oh?

GBW
(a little worried)
Uh… do you remember the name
of the captain of the vessel?

JAMIE
Not really. I know they
kept calling him a doctor.

GBW
(looking a little worried)
Uh… Doctor What?

JAMIE
That sounds about right.

GBW
Was the captain a man or a woman?

JAMIE
Woman.

The image on the monitor shows the Evil AH.COM ship.

GBW
You never really told us the effects of the virus.
Beyond it nearly destroying your societies.

JAMIE
It was terrible. It is terrible.

GBW
(Rubbing his temples)
This isn’t a universe overrun by lesbians is it?
If you were all lesbians, Baldie wouldn’t have
had all the success he’s been having.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
And a grand time it was.
(grins)

JAMIE
No. we’re not lesbians.

GBW
But you’re gay, right?

JAMIE
Yeah.

GBW
Let me guess. This virus…
It changed your genders?

JAMIE
(quietly)
Yes.

GBW
(snapping fingers)
That explains everything.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Wait? What’s going on?

GBW
The virus that infected this universe was brought over by a ship
we’ve run across from time to time. We call it the Evil AH.com
ship. A year ago they attacked our ship in hopes of finding a cure
for a virus they accidentally released on their ship, a virus that
changed their genders.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Changed their genders.

GBW
We call it the Gender-bender virus.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Gender. Bender?

GBW
It’s the same virus that infected this world.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I don’t-

GBW
This universe isn’t a lesbian or an all woman universe,
it was actually a gaysexual universe. Full of men. Men
who were infected with the gender-bender virus, which
turned them all into women.

THE BALD IMPOSTER just stares.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What? You mean you’re all guys!

DREW
Yes.

THE BALD IMPOSTER just stares.

GBW
That would explain the nymphomania
rampant amongst the Martians.

JAMIE
They’re not civilized and restrained as us from Earth.

GBW
The virus doesn’t seem to change sexual attraction,
just the way you look. Therefore they were still all
attracted to men.

JAMIE
And after nearly a year of no men…

GBW
(looking at The Bald Imposter)
They jumped at the first chance they got.

THE BALD IMPOSTER just stares.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
You mean…

GBW
Yup.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Really?

GBW
Yup. That would explain all the gender neutral
names that abounded here. Jamie. Jessie. Drew.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Sam?

GBW
I think that was the only non neutral name.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
But…
(beat)
Aw, crap. Not again…

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

GBW pops into existence upon the pad. G.BONE looks up. PSCYHOMELTDOWN is cracking walnuts with an expensive looking computer pad.

G.BONE
Hey, GBW. You’re back.

GBW
Yeah.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
People were wondering where you got off to.
They said you’d been kidnapped by some hot chicks.

GBW
Sort of.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But everyone knows you’re not into chicks.

GBW
Shut up.

G.BONE
Well, welcome back.

GBW
Thanks.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, we already divvied up your stuff.
The three day rule was in effect.

GBW
I was gone for only two days.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Like I said, three day rule.

GBW
(sighs)
Home. Sweet. Home.

EXT. – HUB – DOCKS – NIGHTISH

We see two figures walking, one figure is leaning heavily upon the other. The first figure is wearing a elaborate looking dress and hidden by shadows, while the other is THE BALD IMPOSTER.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(drunkenly)
I tell you what, she totally didn’t look like a dude.
I mean. Those tits.. that ass…
Any man would have been fooled!
Any man!

DRESS WEARER
Now, now dearie. It’s going to be all right.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I just telling you this, because…because I’m not gay.
I’m straight. Like an arrow. Like those ruler things.
It was just.. just that he looked like a girl!
That damn gender bender virus!
It’d fool any man.
Even manly men like me!

DRESS WEARER
Here we are.

Pan toward a large ship that’s sitting at dock. It’s an odd looking ship, whereas most multiverse ships look like spaceships, this one looks more like an 18TH century Man of War, complete with hatches for cannons and sails with rigging.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
The hell? Hey, nice ship.
I thought we were going back to your place?

A man walks forward from the ship, it’s JUSTIN PICKARD wearing a spiffy looking uniform. Besides him stands a smaller figure, a young man in rough sailor’s clothing, NEKROMANS.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Another volunteer, sir?

We pan toward the DRESS WEARER and see that it’s FELLATIO NELSON.

FELLATIO NELSON
Aye and a strapping lad he is.

JUSTIN PICKARD
He’ll make a fine addition to the crew.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
The hell?
What’s going on here?
I thought I was gonna get laid?

FELLATIO NELSON
Oh, I’m sure that can be arranged.

NEK
Can I have first go, sir?
Can I please?

FELLATIO NELSON
Eager as always, Nek. With that kind of attitude you’ll make captain one day.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(confused)
What the hell is going on here?

FELLATIO NELSON
You, sir, have the pleasure of being pressed
into His Majesty’s Royal Gaysexual Navy.

JUSTIN PICKAR/NEK
God save the Queen!

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What the hell?
Wait. Gaysexual?

THE BALD IMPOSTER stares at FELLATIO NELSON for a long time.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey! You’re not a girl!

FELLATIO NELSON
I assure you, I’m all man.
I’ll even show you later.
(to Nek and Justin)
Justin!!

JUSTIN PICKARD
Sir!

FELLATIO NELSON
Get him on board, lubed up, and into some spandex.
We’re leaving port! The Dons will be done licking
their wounds and be looking for a fight.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Aye, aye, sir!

JUSTIN PICKARD and NEKROMANS lead THE BALD IMPOSTER away.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Oh, god damn it!
Not again!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR – DAY

The camera slowly pans along the corridor of the ship. We slowly come to a stop before a door marked ‘IronYuppie’s Lair’. The nametag seems to be etched into the door rather than painted on it and the engraved letters have an eerie reddish-brown sheen to them –almost as if they had been filled in with some kind of viscous red fluid of some sort at one point.

We hear loud, high pitched screaming from inside.

The door opens and IRONYUPPIE comes out, wearing a dominatrix costume—with certain modifications.

There is a giant latex lizard tail attached to the rear, a frilly lizard ruff around her neck and she’s sporting extremely huge fangs. She spits out the fangs and turns to face the room.

IRONYUPPIE
(screaming)
IF I’M NOT SEXY YOU’RE NOT TRYING!!
(beat)
Where the hell is Bruno, he’ll be all over this costume!

IRONYUPPIE storms off down the corridor.

We hear LANDSHARK calling out from the room.

LANDSHARK
ggggggroooooooooooooaannnnnnnnn………cough…..
(beat)
Am I bleeding?
(beat)
Is that suppose to be that colour?
(beat)
(weakly)
I think I’m dying here…
(beat)
Erikka? Hello?…..
(beat)
This is like our trip to Paris all over again…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU”

Written By OCTOR WHAT & THANDE

ACT I

EXT. – DESOLATE LANDSCAPE – DAY

The camera pans up on a scene which is straight out of a post-Apocalyptic thriller. The ground is brown and dead, bare rock and that scorched. Here and there, there are big flat patches of shiny radioactive glass, the result of nuclear attacks. The sky is dark and filled with rumbling stormclouds, the flashes of lightning adding to the weak light from the sun. Nothing is green. Nothing grows. And yet, all around, there are traces suggesting that this world was once alive – a peculiarly regular rock formation that, at second glance, turns out to be a skyscraper, the remnants of a road underfoot with a cat’s eye…

A stiletto-heeled shoe steps on the cat’s eye and shatters it.

LANDSHARK
(muttering obscenities)
If that’s damaged my Gucci mock-croc slingbacks…

LANDSHARK sits down on what at first looks like a rock, but then we see it’s the remnants of a car long since melted by the heat of a nuclear blast. As he sits and fiddles with his shoe, we pan around…

Six AH.commers are walking around the desolation, mostly looking bored.

DIAMOND, however, is conscientiously scraping some dirt off a nearby rock into a petri dish, which he then hands to WEAPON M.

DIAMOND
Dude, put this in the scanner, okay?

WEAPON M
Sure.

As DIAMOND turns away to resume scraping, WEAPON M produces a giant steak sandwich with lettuce and tomato, delicately sprinkles the brown dirt on the top, and eats the whole thing in five huge bites.

DIAMOND freezes in realisation and slowly turns around.

DIAMOND
What…the hell was that?!

WEAPON M
Sorry, I thought you were using a euphemism.

DIAMOND
(muttering)
I’ll euthanise you…

DIAMOND grabs WEAPON M by the neck, grabs his scanner – a mobile-phone-like device with a long sensor aerial – and jams it down his throat, then dispassionately stares at the readings while WEAPON M gags.

DIAMOND
Hmm…radiation levels higher than
normal, but safe. Scanner thinks whatever
holocaust happened here must have been
at least forty years ago.

DIAMOND finally releases WEAPON M, who gags a few more times and then settles down, giving him a dirty look.

LANDSHARK
(inspecting shoe)
Bloody Yanks, relying on scanners
to do your thinking for you.

IRON YUPPIE
Did I say you could speak?
(Landshark shuts up)

WEAPON M
(rubbing throat)
Doesn’t much narrow it down.
Could have been Cuba, could have been anything.

DIAMOND
Hell, there isn’t enough left of this world left
that we could say it wasn’t Grand Tartary vs the
Kingdom of Burgundy over the dispute in Spanish Alaska…
(smiles happily to himself for a moment)

LEO CAESIUS, in his robot body, steps out from behind one of the ruined, melted buildings.

LEO CAESIUS
Well, does it really matter whose nukes it was that turned you into
a burn mark on the ground? You’re still dead either way…

DIAMOND and WEAPON M both stare at him in open-mouthed incomprehension.

WEAPON M
But our nukes are cool defenders of
freedom whereas the commies’ are evil
weapons of mass destruction!

LEO CAESIUS
(sighs)
Never mind.

DIAMOND puts down his scanner.

DIAMOND
Why am I doing this, anyway?
I thought Kit was supposed to be in
charge of taking samples.

LEO CAESIUS
(looking embarrassed)
Ah…yeah…about that…

Change camera angle – inside the ruined building LEO CAESIUS just stepped out of, KIT is standing in front of a reflective patch of radioactive glass and is admiring himself from different angles.

KIT
(breathlessly)
Oh, I’m taking samples all right…

Cut back to original angle. LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE walk on, looking bored.

LANDSHARK
Why the hell are we here anyway?
Yet another world where the damned
colonials got too big for their boots and
destroyed the world, so what?

LEO CAESIUS
Because I got some strange readings from orbit…

LEO CAESIUS frowns and raises his hand. Lights flash on the back in a similar pattern to those on DIAMOND’s scanner. It’s obvious that his robot hand includes a built-in sensor suite.

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, it’s as I thought.
See those craters over there?

Everyone cranes their necks and nods. There’s a regular geometrical line of twin craters running across the entire landscape.

LEO CAESIUS
Well, as Jim said, the nuclear devastation
was at least forty years ago, but those craters
were inflicted much more recently – less than
a year ago. And according to the sensors, they
were inflicted by plasma weapons.

WEAPON M
(authoritatively)
Plasma weapons? Shit, man, those are way
beyond nukes! They couldn’t have got those
in forty years even if they hadn’t been rebuilding!

LEO CAESIUS
And, furthermore, there’s no evidence
that anyone survived the first round. A puzzler…
(pregnant pause)

LANDSHARK
Yeah, whatever. Nothing to salvage,
no shoe shops, not even a band of survivors
we can help against the odds against some enemy,
which has to be a first. Why are we still here?

IRONYUPPIE
I knew there was a reason I kept you around.

LANDSHARK
(coyly)
I thought there were two?

IRONYUPPIE
Nope, not since last Tuesday, remember?

LANDSHARK
Oh, right, yes.
(winces)

DIAMOND
(loudly)
Much as I hate to admit it, Sharkboy’s got a point.
There’s nothing more to see here.

LEO CAESIUS
(sighs)
Oh, very well.
(to himself)
Damned fleshbags…

DIAMOND pulls out a phone and flips the lid open.

DIAMOND
Survey team to AH.com…

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO; a bit tinny)
What? There must be some mistake! We haven’t had a vitamin C deficiency
case for months! Well, except young Luakel, but he eats so much polystyrene-

DIAMOND
(patiently)
For the third time, Doc, I said survey team, not scurvy cream.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Er – yes, I knew that.
Are you coming home?

LEO CAESIUS
(muttering)
Apparently.

WEAPON M
You betcha.

KIT
(VO)
Five more minutes!

The other AH.commers roll their eyes.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

The teleportation room is as chaotic as always, with panels hanging open and things spliced into other things, often held in place with blu-tack or sellotape. Leaning back on the rather dodgy-looking swivel chair is G.BONE. He’s reading a copy of Playboy from a Puritan Commonwealth timeline (headline: Girls in Trousers!! ) and has a bowl of popcorn balanced on his stomach. Half-finished Chinese meals in foil containers are piled on the control console, on which G.BONE is resting his feet.

The comm system suddenly blares out much too loud.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
G.Bone?

The whole carefully balanced assemblage collapses, with G.BONE being buried under a pile of popcorn and Chinese meals, and the Playboy going flying and falling open at the ‘Damn the Pope in 50 Words or Less and Win a Prize’ page.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
G.Bone?!!

G.BONE slowly picks himself up, pulling noodles out of his hair and throwing them away.

G.BONE
What is it, dude?

DOCTOR WHAT
Finally!
(mutters to himself)
The landing party need beaming up.

G.BONE
(blank)
Beaming…up…?

DOCTOR WHAT
(with practiced patience)
The teleporters. G.Bone, you work
the teleporters. It’s your job.

G.BONE
(relieved)
Oh, right!
(pause)

DOCTOR WHAT
Well?

G.BONE
Uh…okay.

G.BONE brushes the rest of the debris off the console, stares at the complex screens and controls with the utmost concentration, and then closes his eyes and starts hitting buttons at random. We hear hums and bleeps as the system powers up.

EXT. – DESOLATE LANDSCAPE – DAY

LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, DIAMOND, WEAPON M, KIT and LEO CAESIUS all vanish with a loud pop.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

G.BONE pulls one last lever and the columns of light start to rematerialise on the pads .

G.BONE
Piece of pizza!

Then… The columns start to flicker and fade. On the console, red lights light up and flash. A warning klaxon begins to sound.

G.BONE
Bogus!

G.BONE presses every button he hasn’t already, twice, then picks up a huge wrench and begins hitting the console. Sparks fly and lights go out, and then finally the siren is cut out.

G.BONE
Fixed!

He settles back down to his reading, but as he does so, the columns finally brighten one last time and six things fade back into existence.

Six…things…

G.BONE looks up to see six little piles. Five of what look like dust, and one of iron filings.

Buried in one of the piles of dust is a stiletto-heeled shoe…

G.BONE
(thinking carefully)
Not a good thing. No.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
What’s going on down there?
Are they back?

G.BONE
Um…well, bits of them are…

DOCTOR WHAT
WHAT?!!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

The room has been turned upside down. All the panels are still open but now DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL are fiddling with all of them with screwdrivers. Sparks occasionally fly. G.BONE, looking nervous, is sitting on a stool with DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK glaring at him.

G.BONE
Look, er…

DOCTOR WHAT
(quiet, deadly)
No talking yet.

HENDRYK hits DOCTOR WHAT, breaking the dramatic moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, I meant him not me!

HENDRYK
But who am I to disobey the will of the What?

DOCTOR WHAT opens his mouth just as TORQUMADA and THANDE walk in. Both are holding printouts and look grim.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well?

TORQUMADA
Those piles definitely contain traces of
their DNA. I’ve even identified which is which.

THANDE
And the nuclear magnetic resonance imaging
gives the level of C-13 enrichment as being
consistent with that of interdimensional travellers.

Pause – all look at THANDE

TORQUMADA
Translation, yes, it’s them.

THANDE
(muttering)
Philistines…

DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes are wide and his mouth is hanging open. It’s obvious that he never really expected this to happen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wha…they’re really gone?

THANDE
Mixed in with the dust from that planet, it appears.

DOCTOR WHAT turns on the quailing G.BONE.

DOCTOR WHAT
YOU! You killed six of my best crewmen!
(starts to strangle him)
And Erikka hadn’t returned that pirate copy of
Lesbo Lovelines III she borrowed!
(points accusingly at one of the dust piles)
I bet it’s mixed up in there now!

G.BONE chokes, as everyone else stares in surprise at the red-misted DOCTOR WHAT. Diplomatically, MATT and TORQUMADA pull him away before he can kill him.

MATT
(out of the corner of his mouth)
You don’t suppose Doc’s been mind-controlled
or replaced by an alternate or something for the
236,915,687th time?

TORQUMADA
I’ve seen that DVD, it’s definitely our Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not going to let you…

DAVE HOWERY interposes himself between G.BONE and DOCTOR WHAT.

DAVE HOWERY
Sorry, Doc, not happening. It’s taken me
three years just to get these bozos up
to “incompetent”.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL are about to protest, then look at each other, shrug and nod.

DAVE HOWERY
Anyway, I don’t think it was his fault.
I checked the teleporter log. Something weird happened.
Maybe it was something about this planet, the radiation
or something, but I don’t think there was anything
G.Bone could have done.

DOCTOR WHAT glares at DAVE HOWERY, then nods reluctantly.

DOCTOR WHAT
(heavily)
If you say so.

G.BONE
Cool! Does that mean I still get that paid vacation-

DOCTOR WHAT/DAVE HOWERY
(together)
Don’t push it.

G.BONE scampers away.

DAVE HOWERY
(seriously)
This is going to be tough, Doc.
We’ll have to run the ship with
five fewer crewmen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Five? Don’t you mean six?

DAVE HOWERY
Well, no, ’cause Leo-

They both stare at each other in horrified realisation, then at the blank computer displays.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! How are we going to run the ship without him?

DAVE HOWERY
(grimly)
The short answer is, we’re not.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE CONFERENCE ROOM

The remaining crew is sat around the table. The light level is low and wavering. As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT, the last crewmember, comes in through the door. The door only opens halfway and he has to grunt and squeeze his way through the rest.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why the hell is this happening so fast?
We’ve got by without Leo for days before!

DAVE HOWERY
That was before we got shot up within inches
of total destruction about six times in a week.
Even with my own engineering genius
(preens, while everyone else looks faintly sick)
the repairs only hold together because Leo’s there
to optimise the systems. Without him controlling
the automated systems…

Long significant pause.

MATT
What are we going to do?
We can’t just abandon the ship!

DOCTOR WHAT
No indeed, it would take far too long
to transport my porn collection to another.

G.BONE
I could always teleport it…

DOCTOR WHAT
No!!

DOCTOR WHAT
Look, what can we do to stop this?

DAVE HOWERY
I’ve checked the archives in case there was a backup
copy of Leo or some emergency AI, but nada.

DOCTOR WHAT
The ship ran perfectly well when it was
just you, me and Grey, and we didn’t have an AI then.

DAVE HOWERY
But all the systems we’ve installed since then
rely on Leo. There isn’t enough of that original ship left…

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
All right. So there’s no backup AI, and we
can’t use the ship without an AI. What else is there?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’ve got an idea…

MICHAEL
(sarcastically)
All our problems are solved.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(ignoring him)
Remember when G.Bone built that
machine for Leo so the ship could
be run by three human brains
instead of an AI?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yes, during that ‘Sympathy Day’ business-
(stares at him)
You want to entrust the ship to something he built?

G.BONE
That’s not very neighbourly.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What other choice do we have?

DAVE HOWERY
Much as I hate to say it, the kid’s got a point.

DOCTOR WHAT
(surrendering)
Okay, okay!
But who do we get to run it?

GBW
(suddenly rising from thoughtful silence)
Well, clearly we need to choose those crewmembers
who follow the laws of logic and reason like any
computer AI.

Long pause.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hendryk, you mean? Michael?

GBW
(a bit put out)
Well, not in so many words…

MICHAEL
(helpfully)
He means himself, Doc.

GBW
No, I – oh, what the hell.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh! Well, no doing, Dubya. I need you to
take over from Sharky as Chief Pilot.

Another long pause.

EVERYONE
Sharky was chief pilot?!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(holds up crew manifesto)
I know, I know, it was a shock to me as well-

GBW
So, who does get to be the computer?

DAVE HOWERY
(musing)
We need three of them, and they need to be among
the most sane, well-balanced and emotionally
well-adjusted individuals on this ship…

Long pause as everyone avoids each others’ gaze.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – COMPUTER ROOM

The giant sphere that normally houses LEO CAESIUS’ mind is dark and silent. Off in a corner, now having the dust and cobwebs blown off it by the engineering crew, is G.BONE’s machine. It consists of three chairs with colanders on the top and wires going into the big sphere.

Off to one side, DOCTOR WHAT and DAVE HOWERY are speaking in serious tones to some people off-camera.

DOCTOR WHAT
Look, I’ll understand if you back out.
This is a big responsibility…

FEMALE VOICE
Yes, but it’s also a big opportunity.
Given the chance to see the world
as Mr Caesius does…

DAVE HOWERY
(looking emotional)
Please, please, be careful.

FEMALE VOICE
Don’t worry, David, I will.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY steps from the shadows, brushes her lips across DAVE HOWERY’s and – now with some thin cuts around her chin from DAVE HOWERY’s indestructible beard – goes over to the three chairs. She is followed by the GIANT MOSQUITO and BOBO. TORQUMADA is fussing over the latter.

TORQUMADA
Don’t fall in with the wrong crowd! Don’t-

BOBO
Bobo save ship.
Bobo make Torqumada proud.

TORQUMADA wipes a tear from his eye and, although it’s an emotional wrench, lets BOBO go.

G.BONE straps the three into the chairs and adjusts the colanders over their heads.

DOCTOR WHAT sends a sidelong glance at HENDRYK.

DOCTOR WHAT
Say-does it worry you at all that
the three most sane and well-adjusted
people on this ship are a cloned supermodel,
a giant flying brain and a huge mosquito
created in a teleporter accident?

HENDRYK
If the Great What says it must worry me, then it shall!
(tries to look worried; ends up more looking constipated)

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind.
(he turns to the chairs)
Are you ready?

G.BONE makes the last adjustment, nods and throws the switch.

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY/MOSQUITO/BOBO
(all three speaking with one voice)
We are as one.

FLOCCULENCIO
Oooooo-kaaaay…

Suddenly, light flows down the cables connecting the colanders to the big sphere, and that lights up too, one layer at a time. A background hum rises, and a thousand little noises that were silenced, come back on. The AH.com ship has come back to life.

DOCTOR WHAT points dramatically at the ceiling.

DOCTOR WHAT
To the bridge!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

The AH.commers all rush onto the bridge, which, as we watch, begins to power up from its dark and inert status. The doors all slide open and shut- nearly crushing LUAKEL in the process – and all the consoles light up. DAVE HOWERY checks the nearest one, which has an anglepoise lamp attached to it.

DAVE HOWERY
Systems running at full capacity.

DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent.
(stares vaguely at ceiling)
Computer?

MEDLEY OF KEIRA/MOSQUITO/BOBO
We would prefer to be addressed as…’Keirsquitbo’.

DOCTOR WHAT blinks and glances at the others, who all shrug at him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Er…oookayy…
(pulls himself together)
What is the ship’s situation?

KEIRSQUITBO
Minor damage has accumulated during
the time without AI supervision.
Automated repairs are commencing.

DAVE HOWERY gives a thumb’s-up to DOCTOR WHAT, although he keeps sending anxious looks at the ceiling.

DAVE HOWERY
(half to himself)
Are you OK in there…?

The anglepoise lamp attached suddenly swivels around towards DAVE HOWERY and fastens its head against a surprised HOWERY’s mouth. We hear a disgusting squelching sound and then it withdraws. HOWERY now has a burn mark on the parts of his beard around his mouth, from the incandescent bulb, and a dazed look on his face.

KEIRSQUITBO
I am always here for you, my love.

DAVE HOWERY
Wow, now you’re hot in more ways than one…

DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Okay. We’ve got the ship back up
and running, that’s the important thing.
(heavily)
And our first order of business is to say
goodbye to those of us who have fallen in
the cause of duty.

MICHAEL
‘Duty’ here being defined as ‘searching the
universe for booze and porn’.

DOCTOR WHAT
Greater men have died for less.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CARGO BAY – DAY

The scene is subdued. In the centre of the cargo bay are six torpedoes, with the piles of dust on top and photos of those who have ‘died’. Surrounding them is the crowd of AH.commers, most of whom are wearing black armbands or other mourning dress. HENDRYK stands at the front in full red and gold Whatian robes. We focus on DOCTOR WHAT and GBW at the side.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’d have thought that Thande
and Torq would have made it!

GBW
Maybe it’s against their religions.

DOCTOR WHAT
(testily)
Torq has to understand that, with IY
gone, we just don’t have any big-breasted
women on board so we can’t perform the
ceremony he wanted!

GBW
(musingly)
I know. A pity.

HENDRYK
(ceremoniously)
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
They’re all dead, in Ian we trust -
And now we shall have some readings
from the Speakers for the Dead…

A montage of images showing different AH.commers standing up and giving eulogies for each individual crewmember -

FLOCCULENCIO
I knew he always wanted us to find
a Mandaean-wank world where that religion
dominated the entire planet…well, I hope
someday, somehow, he comes to find it himself.

GBW
Of all the angry Brits I’ve known, and
believe me there’ve been a few, there’s never
been one quite like him. For which we should
all be thankful.

MATT
He never let anyone outgun him. I’d give anything
to speak to him again, even if I had to listen to
his damned threesome story for the fifteen
gazillionth time.

HENDRYK
She was the hottest foreign devil I’ve ever
laid eyes on. And the scariest. And as for those magnificent -
(goes off into incomprehensible but clearly emotional Chinese)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
If it hadn’t been for those new contact lenses
he’d made for me, I’d have never been able to
truly see Alyson in all her glorious beauty…
may you find the halls of your fathers, man.

Finally it comes to DOCTOR WHAT, standing before the torpedo/coffin with the picture of KIT. He looks emotional.

DOCTOR WHAT
We need not speak of his mastery of innuendo, his
unmatchable knowledge of Welsh geography, or his
unerring skill with complementary colours.
Of my friend, I can only say this, that…
(voice breaking)
…of all the souls I have encountered in my travels
through time and space, his was the most…
(he falters)
…straight.

Solemn silence. Everyone takes a step back.

HENDRYK nods at MATT, who presses a button on a console. The cargo bays doors open, the atmosphere kept in by a forcefield, and the torpedoes slide down their racks towards the beautiful view of the starscape now revealed. Everyone is still, just watching. Then-

DAVE HOWERY
(complaining)
Why do I have to do this, anyway?

Heads turn to see HOWERY, wearing a kilt and struggling with a set of bagpipes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Because you’re a bearded engineer.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ve never played these things before!
(holds them at arms’ length)
It looks like something out of one of
Hendryk’s porn films!

HENDRYK opens his mouth to protest, then looks considering. He exchanges a thoughtful glance with DOCTOR WHAT, who mouths five words at him.

DOCTOR WHAT
(turning back to HOWERY)
Just play it!

HOWERY shrugs and grabs the bagpipes. Everyone turns back towards the torpedoes as they continue sliding down the racks out into space.

Bagpipe music begins to play. “Amazing Grace”…and it is beautiful, perfect. There are actually tears in the eyes of even some of the most hardened AH.commers.

And then DOCTOR WHAT catches sight of something out of the corner of his eye and turns as something floats past.

It’s a red-faced HOWERY. He’s inflated like a balloon and the bagpipes,hanging underneath, are playing HIM, not the other way around. They’re
clearly a sentient lifeform.

DOCTOR WHAT sighs.

GBW
Y’know, he kind of looks like an airship…

Everyone stares at HOWERY, cocking their heads to one side, then nod and hastily adjust their trousers.

DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Anyway…

The torpedoes slip off the end and out into space. Their engines ignite and they go blazing off into the sunset.

MATT
It’s the way they’d have wanted to go.

DOCTOR WHAT
Not enough lesbians involved for that I’m afraid–
Well, maybe Oth.

The silence continues as all watch the torpedoes heading off into the distance. Finally there are six flashes of light as they explode, and then nothing. There is a feeling of relaxing tension in the room. DOCTOR WHAT wipes away a last tear and then turns to address his crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right.
I know it’s going to be hard,
but we’re going to get through this.
We’re a team, a family even, albeit
a rather dysfunctional one.
C’mon, let’s give ‘em hell.

The crew nod grimly or mutter a few words of agreement. Everyone turns to the door, which opens-

And THANDE and TORQUMADA come out, dressed in their lab coats and holding yet more sheafs of printouts, grinning madly. DOCTOR WHAT frowns at the spectacle.

DOCTOR WHAT
I hardly think this is in the best taste-

HENDRYK
Shall we burn them, O Great One?

THANDE
(ignoring this)
We found it!

DOCTOR WHAT
What?

TORQUMADA
(holds something up two stiletto shoes)
Ohh, whoever did it, he was good!
But he was just a little TOO clever!

DOCTOR WHAT
What?!!

THANDE
It didn’t quite match!
If he’d just left well alone then the
enrichment would have fooled us! It
nearly DID fool us! But-

DOCTOR WHAT
WHAT?!!!!

The two pause and finally condescend to explain.

TORQUMADA
We ran tests on this shoe and compared
it to the piles of dust.

THANDE
The 13C patterns don’t quite match.

TORQUMADA
Neither does the DNA.

DOCTOR WHAT
Bu-but you said they were genuine…

THANDE
In isolation, they were good enough
fakes that you couldn’t tell the difference.

TORQUMADA
But we compared the shoe and the dust
to one of Sharky’s real shoes, and there’s
just enough difference…
(grins)
They’re fakes. Very skillful fakes, but fakes.

DOCTOR WHAT
You — you mean –

THANDE
They might be still alive?
Count on it.

DOCTOR WHAT grins, punches the air. Everyone else breaks into similar scenes of celebration. Except DAVE HOWERY who glares out of the cargo bay.

DAVE HOWERY
Waste of six good torpedoes…

KEIRSQUITBO
(softly)
You’ll always have more than enough firepower for me, Dave.

Behind his beard, HOWERY blushes.

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s no time to lose!
Take us back to that timeline,
on the triple!

KEIRSQUITBO
Acknowledged.

Visible in the starscape out of the cargo bay, a vortex begins to form…

INT- LARGE WELL DECORATED ROOM- DAY

The room is large and tastefully decorated with numerous Victorian style furnishings. Several paintings depicting various naval or land battles are hanging on the walls here and there. A large fireplace can be seen in one corner, a fire burning in it. The camera pans over the room to show IRONYUPPIE lying on a couch. She is wearing a rather large and frilly red dress. She opens her eyes and looks around in confusion for a few seconds. She spots LANDSHARK lying on his back on the ground. He’s wearing a tasteful 19th century style black suit. He also has—for some reason—a small pencil moustache.

IRONYUPPIE
What the hell? Sharky-get your ass up!
(kicks LANDSHARK)

LANDSHARK
Huh?—wha?—what’s going on?

IRONYUPPIE
You tell me. One minute we’re on the planet waiting
to be beamed up—the next we’re here. In these clothes.

LANDSHARK
God-damnit! I’m going to kill that useless Yank!
I bet you he screwed up the teleporting! Again!

IRONYUPPIE gets up and walks towards some large balcony doors. She pushes them open to see fields as far as the eye can see. Picking the crops are large numbers of men and women.

Black men and women.

IRONYUPPIE
Sharky love—I have a really bad feeling about this…

A door suddenly opens and a short overweight middle-aged black woman bursts into the room. She looks at IRONYUPPIE in surprise and looks at LANDSHARK in barely concealed disapproval and contempt.

WOMAN
Miss Scarlett! Really now! I do declare—
a proper lady shouldn’t have a
(looks at LANDSHARK in disgust)
…gentleman, I suppose… friend
in her room unsupervised!

IRONYUPPIE
Miss Scarlett?!

WOMAN
(to LANDSHARK)
And you! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
What would your momma think! And the guests
are waiting for you downstairs!
(grabs LANDSHARK and starts forcing him out the door)
Now get yourself down there right away and
make the Rhett Butler name proud again!

LANDSHARK
Rhett Butler?!

WOMAN drags LANDSHARK out the door, slamming it shut behind her.

EXT.- DESERT PLANET- DAY

WIDE SHOT

We see DIAMOND and WEAPON M trudging slowly along through a vast desert wasteland. The camera slowly pulls in close.

DIAMOND
…and then I’m going to stomp on them!

WEAPON M
Interesting. I wasn’t aware that you can remove
a person’s kidneys through their nostrils.

DIAMOND
I’ll find a way!

WEAPON M
In the last 30 minutes you’ve described no less than
eighteen different ways you’re going to kill G.BONE.
(beat)
I sense some slight hostility here, my pantless friend.

DIAMOND
We’re on a freaking desert planet thanks to that
lunatic! How can you NOT be upset?

WEAPON M
Easy. The gang is no doubt aware of our predicament. They
are no doubt attempting to look for us as we speak. The tele-
porter has a finite range so there’s only a limited number of
places we could have ended up in. Ergo-sooner or later we’ll
be found. All we have to do is survive until that happens.

DIAMOND
And how the hell are we suppose to do that until it happens?

WEAPON M
Why—go towards that oasis yonder there.
(points)

Sure enough—about a mile or so away—we see a very large oasis, complete with some very dense plant growth and the occasional tree.

DIAMOND
How DO you do that?

WEAPON M
Ah—all part of my philosophy I call “The Three-Way Third Way”.
I shall teach it to you one day. Hey—by the way—did I ever tell
you about the time I had a three-

The two of them walk slowly towards the oasis.

EXT. OASIS- DAY

We see DIAMOND and WEAPON M eating some fruit and drinking handfuls of water. They’re obviously feeling quite relaxed and generally just chilling out.
We suddenly hear a horn blowing eerily in the distance. It blows again a few seconds later—this time much closer.

DIAMOND and WEAPON M stand up to see the bushes in the distance begin to shake and rustle. We see what looks like a large stick swishing back and forth in the bushes. It comes closer to the two ah.commers. From out of the bushes comes…

LUAKEL-dressed in what appears to be simple ‘peasant-style’ clothes.

DIAMOND and WEAPON M look in disbelief.

DIAMOND
(relieved voice)
Jeez man! You scared the crap out of us,
LUAKEL! What the hell are you doing here?

LUAKEL looks at the two of them in confusion.

LUAKEL
LUAKEL? Who’s LUAKEL? My name is…
(beat)
URKEL….

We see the bushes behind him rustle some more and we see several more LUAKELS…then dozens…then hundreds…more appear behind him.

URKEL
URKEL…6146.

DIAMOND
Dude, I’m getting fucking tired of these Luakel clones.

WEAPON M
I agree wholeheartedly.

EXT. JUNGLE – DAY

We see LEO in his robot body walking through the jungle.

LEO
That’s odd…one moment we were being teleported…the next I’m here.

LEO looks around.

LEO
Something very odd about this jungle…

POV- LEO’s eyes

We quickly scroll through different types of vision—infra-red, ultra-violet, X-Ray, magnetic fields, etc.

LEO
Hmmmm….fascinating….
(looks around)
An unusual collection of holograms and recreated scenery.
Not unlike that Role-Playing gameworld the crew was on a
few months back. Clearly this jungle was created for some
similar purpose. It is quite likely thatall this is using some
fictional movie or show of some kind as a source material.
But what movie? And where’s KIT?

LEO continues to walk along the jungle.

SOMETIME LATER
LARGE CLEARING

We see LEO still walking. He stops suddenly and looks at something offscreen. The camera swings around to show—

A stegosaurus eating some plants.

LEO
Oh! Of course! Jurassic Park! Well, as long as
I don’t go into any toilets, I should be fine…
(beat)
This bears further scrutiny.

We suddenly hear an incredibly loud roaring sound that echoes throughout the jungle. The stegosaurus looks up and runs off, obviously in intense fear.
Off in the distance, trees shake and topple.

Obviously a very large thing is fast approaching LEO at great speed, tearing everything in its path.

However, there is so much plant growth that we can’t see anything clearly, other than to know that whatever the thing is, it is huge.

After several seconds, the thing approaches the clearing. From out of the treeline and into the clearing erupts—

A FIFTY FOOT TALL KIT!

LEO
Oh shit.

INT- LARGE BALLROOM – DAY

We see a large ballroom filled with people. Many of the people are wearing clothing in similar style to that of IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK. The people are in small groups but with very limited gender mixing—for the most part, the women are talking to one another while the men are talking to just each other. There are several black slaves carrying trays of drinks and food mingling with the crowd. IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK can be seen listening in on several conversations.

We pull in close to the group that LANDSHARK is with.

CONFEDERATEFLY
War is gonna start any day now,

ROBERT6165
Rather exciting, isn’t it? You know those
fool Yanks may actually WANT a war?

CODEMAN
We’ll show ‘em!

CONFEDERATEFLY
Ha! And after we’ve kicked those
damn Yankees, we’ll start on England!

The men all laugh. LANDSHARK is choking on his drink.

CONFEDERATEFLY
Something wrong?

LANDSHARK
Something wrong? Bloody hell something is wrong!
You are all a bunch of useless war mongering wankers!
(storms away offscreen)
(o.v.)
Bloody colonials!

IRONYUPPIE is listening in on one conversation among several females.

WOMAN #1
Cathleen, who’s that?

WOMAN #2
Who?

WOMAN #1
That man storming off.
The nasty, dark-haired one.

WOMAN #2
My dear, don’t you know? That’s Rhett Butler. He’s from
Charleston. He has the most terrible reputation.

WOMAN #1
He looks as if… as if he knows
what I look like without my shimmy.

IRONYUPPIE snorts.

IRONYUPPIE
More like he wants to try yours on.

IRONYUPPIE storms off, ignoring the shocked looks on the women’s faces.

We see IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK meet up in another room.

IRONYUPPIE
So…we’re actually in the movie ‘Gone with the Wind’.
Some kind of weird role-playing game or something,
forced to act out the whole movie, I guess.

LANDSHARK
This is ridiculous! I’m not anyone’s puppet,
to be used as a plaything then be casually
tossed away like a used kleenix when
they’re done.

IRONYUPPIE raises an eyebrow in disapproval.

LANDSHARK
(realizing his mistake)
Present company excluded, of course.

IRONYUPPIE
Much better.
(beat)
So—what do we do?

LANDSHARK
Hrumph! Maybe I can convince these wankers
to go against their programming.

IRONYUPPIE
(rolling her eyes)
Oh this should be fun….

LANDSHARK walks towards the center of the ballroom and waves his arms to get the people’s attention. He jumps onto the top of a nearby table.

LANDSHARK
People! Listen to me! You’re in a game! Forced to act out roles
in some weird fiction! But you don’t have to do it! You have
free choice! You can break your programming! Rise up and cast
down your chains of bondage! You don’t have to be some mindless
drone! Become something else! End this charade! You! The ugly
guy in the brown suit! No—the other ugly one! Don’t you want
to aspire to be something else? Then do so! Rise up my fellow
Bri-…ummmm…fellow coloni-…ummm…fellow people!
Who’s with me!

The entire crowd stares at LANDSHARK in total confusion for several seconds. Then—as one—they all break into riotous laughter. All of the people are doubled over with laughter. One or two actually have tears running down their faces. Many of them are having trouble breathing because of the laughing. Finally, after about a minute or so, one of the guests (CSA945) is able to stop his laughing long enough to talk.

CSA945
By God Rhett—that was the funniest thing I’ve
ever heard in my entire life! Well done, sir!

He raises his glass in salute. Several of the other men do the same. LANDSHARK looks at the group in great annoyance and jumps off the table and storms off.

LANDSHARK
WANKERS!

He stops by IRONYUPPIE who is looking at the entire crowd in amusement.

Suddenly, the door to the ballroom bursts open and a young soldier (BRIANP) in a Confederate uniform comes in. He staggers a few feet into the ballroom.

BRIANP
The Yankees are attacking! Gaaaaaa—

BRIANP collapses face down, an arrow sticking out of his back. The arrow has a large note attached to it that reads ‘Ulysses S. Grant wuz here’.

All the people in the ballroom scream and shout and run off.

IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK roll their eyes.

EXT. – DESERT VILLAGE – DAY

We see WEAPON M and DIAMOND being led by literally hundreds of URKELS towards a large collection of buildings. Numerous crops can be seen surrounding it, all tended by content looking URKELS. In the center of the collection of buildings, we dimly see a large metallic sculpture of some sort.

DIAMOND
So—wait—you guys AREN’T bad guys?

URKEL
Oh goodness graces no! Whatever gave you that idea?
We are all one big happy community, right guys?

Loud roar of approval from the other URKELS.

WEAPON M
So—how does this community work anyway?

URKEL
Oh—it works very simply. You see, we all work on
the collective farms. We turn over all the food to the
Central Committee, who then parcels out the food
back to us depending on our needs. We find that it
works highly efficiently and productively. The same
goes for all the wealth we produce—we turn a large
percentage of it over to them to pay for all of our services,
like our universal health care medical system.

We see DIAMOND and WEAPON M standing silently and in shock. WEAPON M has a strange tic at the corner of his eye while DIAMOND is looking a bit ill.

DIAMOND
Collective farms…

WEAPON M
Universal health care….

URKEL
Oh yes—we believe that ALL of our services
should be run by the Central Committee—it’s
quite the logical way to go. Oh—by the way—
do you like our sculpture?

WEAPON M shakes his head and looks at the metal sculpture that is in a prominent place in the centre square of the village.

It’s a massive collection of what appears to be misshapen steel tubes of various sizes melted and fused together into a gigantic vaguely pyramid like structure.

WEAPON M
Looks….interesting, I suppose.

DIAMOND
Yeah—very avant garde and all that.
What are all those pipe thingies?

URKEL
Oh, those. Well—after the Great Enlightenment, we cast
aside all of our war-mongering ways and adopted a pacifist
lifestyle. Of course, since we were now pacifists, we no
longer needed the implements of war—so we melted down
all the guns in our society and made this sculpture.
Isn’t it neat?

WEAPON M stares at the sculpture of melted guns in total shock for a few seconds—then collapses to his knees.

WEAPON M
(slamming fist into the ground repeatedly)
You maniacs! You destroyed them all!!
Damn you! God damn you all to hell!
(starts sobbing)

EXT. – JUNGLE CLEARING – DAY

We see the FIFTY FOOT KIT walk slowly into the clearing. He has spotted LEO and seems most curious about him. He approaches LEO.

LEO
(backing slowly away)
Now KIT—let’s not do anything hasty. Maybe you
should relax and take it easy for a moment.

KIT continues to approach LEO, not giving any indication that he understands LEO.

Suddenly, we hear shouts from off-screen. KIT is distracted and looks in the direction of the shouts.

LEO takes this opportunity to jump into a nearby ditch and hide.

CAMERA swings around to show—
A large group of men—many of them armed with guns. One of the men holds an extremely large gun and fires it.

We see a canister fly through the air and come crashing down next to KIT. A huge cloud of white gas erupts from the canister. KIT screams. Several more canisters come crashing down all around KIT a few seconds later, all of them spewing gas.

KIT screams and jumps around for a few seconds but it becomes obvious that his movements are affected. He moves slowly and sluggishly, getting progressively worse as the seconds pass. Finally, he rolls his eyes and collapses on to his back. We hear loud snores a few seconds later.

The man with the large gas gun walks towards the sleeping KIT. He is wearing stereotypical ‘big-game hunter’ clothing. This is MRP. He has several aides and assistants with him, among them JUSTIN PICKARD.

MRP
Ah—nothing like a good hunt to bring a warm
feeling to a man’s soul! And the prey of a lifetime!
This will certainly call for another book to be
written for Safari Press!

JUSTIN PICKARD
You’ve already written six, sir.

MRP
Don’t you mean five?

JUSTIN PICKARD
Six, sir. There was ‘A Hunter’s Guide to Aging Lions in Eastern Africa’,
‘A Bullet Well Placed: Hunting Cape Buffalos’, ‘More Hunting, Fishing,
and Shooting on Five Continents’, ‘How To Perform The Perfect Head Shot’,
‘The Best of Sheep Hunting’ and your last one ‘Baby Seals—
They Deserve to be Bludgeoned’.

MRP
Ah yes—forgot about the baby seal one. I try to repress that one.
(face darkens)
(quiet voice)
Damn baby seals. They killed my father. They should
all be destroyed. Every single last one of them…
(shakes head—speaks in a normal voice)
Anyway—guess I’ll just write a seventh one. But first—
we must bring this specimen back to America and show
it to the world. Show it as the New Eight Wonder of the World!

JUSTIN PICKARD
And that would be…?

MRP
KIT KONG—The World’s Biggest Gaysexual!
(sighs wistfully)
So big…so very, very big…
(turns to several other aides)
You there! Throw a net over this and set up the teams
to drag him to the ship. Next stop—New York City!

The assistants start tying up KIT.

MRP
Excellent! Now—prepare my meal!

JUSTIN PICKARD
Of course sir. And what would be your preference?

MRP
Large steak. Rare.

JUSTIN PICKARD
And would you like a salad with that, sir?

MRP looks at JUSTIN PICKARD in complete utter disgust.

MRP
(angry voice)
I believe I’ve made my feelings about these….
vegetables…. quite clear in the past.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Apologies, sir.

LEO looks on from his hiding place, a look of intense thought upon his face.

INT. – LARGE ROOM – DAY

We see IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK sitting. We hear the sounds of gunfire and explosions far off in the distance. LANDSHARK looks utterly depressed while IRONYUPPIE looks annoyed. LANDSHARK is talking—apparently to himself.

LANDSHARK
(cont.)
–and they laughed at me. And now we’re stuck here, forced to act
out this whole bloody movie. God I’m so depressed
(hangs his head in his hands)

IRONYUPPIE rolls her eyes.

IRONYUPPIE
Oh, Sharky… dear Sharky…you are so mercifully
free of the ravages of intelligence.

LANDSHARK
Oh, you say such nice things, Erikka.

IRONYUPPIE
(magnamously)
Yes I know…
(suddenly smacks LANDSHARK on the back of his head with her palm)
Pull yourself together, you idiot! You’re suppose to be the history
expert here! Isn’t there some way you can get your limey friends
involved in this stupid war and end it early or something? You
keep going on and on about British superiority in all things. Well—
can they or is all that stuff about British superiority all bark and
no bite—just like the last three lava lamp sessions we’ve had?

LANDSHARK
Now Erikka, I told you why—the lava lamp frightens and confuses me…
(beat)
(pondering look)
Hmmmm….gotta be some way that….
(sudden realization)
Of course! That’s it! Bloody hell, Erikka—you’re a freaking genius!

IRONYUPPIE
Yes—I know….
(beat)
So what the hell you’re planning, Sharkie?

LANDSHARK
I have come up with a plan so cunning that if it were alive,
you could call it a weasel. I must be off, my dear!
(clasps IronYuppie in his arms)
Before I leave, grant me one request, Erikka!

IRONYUPPIE
For the last time, Shark-love, you CAN’T have my
Nutella flavored bra! It doesn’t fit you!

LANDSHARK
No—not that—grant me one tiny insignificant request—
something to remind me of you. Can I have…
(beat)
…your stiletto heels?

IRONYUPPIE
There better not be any KY lube on them when I get them back…

IRONYUPPIE gives the shoes to LANDSHARK, who then scurries off.

EXT. – PORT – DAY

We see a large Ironclad ship tied up on the docks. We see a name plate on the ship: the CSS VIRGINIA.

We see LANDSHARK walking confidently towards the ship. He’s challenged by a guard.

GUARD
Identify yourself!

LANDSHARK
Out of my way Colonial!

LANDSHARK whacks the guard with a cricket bat and leaps onto the ship. A few seconds later, a blast of smoke erupts from its smokestack and it moves off to sea.

EXT – SEA –DAY

We see the CSS VIRGINIA sailing out to sea. Standing at the bow of the ship is LANDSHARK. He is sipping a cup of tea and staring out at the rising sun.
Off to one side, we see the sea begin to churn and froth. A periscope comes out of the water, followed soon after by a very small and crude looking submarine. We can just make out the nameplate – ALLIGATOR

We hear a voice (speaking with a thick French accent). This is REDEM.

REDEM
Captain! Ze Confederate ship is within our zight!

IMPERATOR
(speaking with a New Jersey accent)
Fire the torpedo!
(beat)
And for God’s sake, stop speaking with that accent!
Just because we bought this sub from the French
doesn’t mean you have to speak like them!

REDEM
But I feel like I’m getting in
touch with my inner Frenchman….

IMPERATOR
How many times have I told to
wash your hands after you do that!
(beat)
And would somebody launch
the freaking torpedo already!

We hear a loud blast and see a torpedo launch from the sub. It moves straight towards the CSS VIRGINIA.

The ironclad explodes dramatically, spewing flames and debris over a wide distance. The ALLIGATOR slowly begins to move away from the scene.

REDEM
(still with a bit of a French accent)
Sir—can we? You promised that if we sank a ship we could.

IMPERATOR
(very deep sigh)
Fine. I’ll take you shopping on the Champs des Elysees.
I suppose you want somebody to go with you?

REDEM
If it’s not too much trouble?

IMPERATOR
Only if you help me get one of those
absolutely divine Louis Vuitton trunks!

REDEM
Done!

IMPERATOR
Dive! Dive! Next stop—Paris!

We see the submarine dive the last few feet until only its periscope is seen and it slowly starts moving eastwards.

We suddenly see two hands erupt from the surface of the water. Each hand is holding a large stiletto shoe. The heels of both shoes hook around the periscope’s neck, locking into place. We see a head appear out of the water.

It’s LANDSHARK

LANDSHARK
Damned colonials claiming their ironclads could go toe to toe with the Warrior!

We see the sub—dragging the very soggy LANDSHARK—go off into the rising sun.

EXT. – DESERT VILLAGE – DAY

We see DIAMOND and WEAPON M sitting near one of the homes. DIAMOND is staring out into space while WEAPON M looks like he’s on the verge of tears. He turns and looks at the pyramid of melted guns—and bursts into tears.

WEAPON M
Oh God—the humanity….the humanity
…..why?….oh dear God….why?
(completely breaks down)

DIAMOND
Dude—that’s like the tenth time you’ve done that!
Stop looking at the damn thing!

WEAPON M
But it’s such a terrible tragedy….
(bursts into tears again)

DIAMOND rolls his eyes.

We see one of the URKELS come up to DIAMOND and stare at him for a few seconds.

DIAMOND
(turning angrily at URKEL)
What?!?

URKEL
Begging your pardon, sir, but can you answer me
one question? Why are you not wearing any pants?

DIAMOND
Only in the joys of pantlessness can one truly experience freedom,
my young URKEL! You must learn to put aside all those foolish
and quaint notions about modesty and embrace the oneness that
can only be achieved by losing one’s pants!

URKEL ponders this for a few seconds.

URKEL
(dubious voice)
It sounds interesting but I’m not sure…

DIAMOND suddenly stands up and grabs URKEL’s hands

DIAMOND
URKEL…ummmm…

URKEL
(helpful voice)
URKEL 7688…

DIAMOND
URKEL 7688, trust your feelings!
Use the Pantlessness, Urkel! Let go!

We see URKEL 7688 look on in confusion, obviously torn with indecision. After a few seconds, he seems to make up his mind. With one quick movement, he rips his pants off.

URKEL 7688
(long pause)
Hey—this feels…pretty good!

DIAMOND
Yes! I have made a convert! Come, my
pantsless padawan—we have work to do!

The two of them storm off into the village. WEAPON M looks at them walk off for a few seconds and goes back to staring into space.

After a few seconds, he seems to make a decision and walks off—towards the pyramid of melted guns.

MONTAGE

We see DIAMOND and URKEL 7688 walking proudly pantsless through the village, much to the bewilderment of the rest of the URKELS.

WEAPON M is seen ripping chunks of metal from the Pyramid and is painstakingly creating a gun from scratch using various tools

DIAMOND is giving passionate speeches to various small groups of URKELS. We notice one or two more of the URKELS are going pantsless as well.

WEAPON M has successfully made a working gun and has a handful of bullets in his hand. He loads the gun and aims it at a collection of wooden cups lying on a wall. He shoots them off successful. We see a confused URKEL walk onscreen and stare at WEAPON M and the gun. With a smile, WEAPON M shows him how to hold it.

DIAMOND is now flanked by several more pantsless URKELS. The crowds he is addressing are getting bigger in size.

WEAPON M is standing by, watching proudly as two URKELS hesitantly start shooting at various targets. The URKELS begin to get more and more confident in their skills. They are beginning to draw small crowds of confused and curious URKELS.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. NEW YORK CITY PORT – NIGHT

We see a ship docked at the dock. A large covered cage is slowly being lifted out of the cargohold and placed onto the back of a large trailer. We see various men nervously holding guns. MRP is off to one side, smiling confidently.

MRP
Yes—soon, very soon. I shall be
the richest man in the world by tomorrow!

JUSTIN PICKARD
And what will you do with all your money, sir?

MRP
(gets faraway look in his eyes)
Dead baby seals….as far as the eyes
can see….stretching off forever and ever….
(shakes head)
(normal voice)
Move out!

The cage is dragged off by a large truck. Seconds later, all of the men drive off after it in their vehicles.

A few seconds later, we see a figure—glinting metallically in the moonlight—leap off the ship and start running after them.

EXT. – LARGE WELL-LIT THEATRE- NIGHT

The theatre has a large marquee declaring ‘EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD! KIT KONG!’. We see hundreds of onlookers and media all cramming for attention in front, police desperately attempting to hold them back. We slowly pan to the left to a deserted alleyway—just in time to see a manhole cover—being held by a large metallic man—get shut.

INT-SEWER-NIGHT

We see LEO walk towards the camera. He lifts up his hand. Lights flash on the back similar to before. He nods his head and walks towards another ladder. He climbs up them.

INT.- THEATRE – DAY

We see KIT sitting morosely in his cage. LEO appears nearby.

LEO
KIT? KIT!

KIT stands up at the sound of LEO’s voice and looks frantically around. He spots LEO and stares at him, a confused look on his face.

LEO
KIT? I’m not sure if you can understand me but I’m going to try.
We’re in a movie. This isn’t real. It’s all a big virtual game of some
sort, forced to play out the entire scenario. But I believe that there
is a way to stop this. If my hypothesis is correct, if we can change
the movie’s plot, then we will corrupt the scenario. If we succeed
in doing that, the game will collapse and we can get ourselves out
of this nightmare once and for all.

KIT has been staring at LEO during this entire monologue, a confused look on his face.

LEO
Now—this is my plan. I need you to concentrate—
concentrate on thinking that you are not KIT KONG
but just KIT. Try it, KIT.

KIT stares at LEO for a few seconds, still confused looking. Suddenly his face lights up with a grin.

LEO
That’s it KIT! That’s –

KIT suddenly reaches out with his hand through the bars and grabs LEO and drags him into his cage!

LEO
Let go of me, KIT! Please!

KIT looks frantically around the cage and with a mighty roar tears a bar loose! Holding it in one hand and LEO in the other, KIT starts pounding the door to the cage. After a few seconds of his relentless attacks, the cage door—with a slow ponderous groaning of metal—falls to the ground.

KIT leaps through the open cage door.

We see that he is backstage of the theatre. There is a large curtain in front of him. Numerous men with guns and stagehands are running and screaming all around him.

KIT leaps through the curtains—and onto the stage!

INT. –THEATRE – DAY

We see hundreds of guests staring and screaming in terror at KIT. They start running out of their seats and towards the exits in panic, clearing an empty path in front of KIT.

Nearly empty.

We see MRP appear in front of KIT, holding the gas gun.

MRP
Nothing is going to keep me away from fulfilling my baby seal dreams!
(raises gun towards KIT)

Kit still has the bar in his hand that he used to destroy his cage door. He throws it at MRP. It crashes into a row of seats in front of MRP, knocking him off-balance just as he pulls the trigger.

We see the gas canister shoot straight up towards the ceiling of the theatre instead of the stage.

KIT leaps off the stage and runs towards the exit. As he reaches it, he rips a huge hole in the wall. He disappears into it and we hear the sounds of numerous people screaming and vehicles crashing into each other a few seconds later.

MRP has recovered and has his gun up. vv

MRP
Come back here, you—

The gas canister that MRP fired before lands directly in front of him, spewing gas everywhere.

Clouds of white smoke obscures everything for a few seconds. We then see MRP stagger out of the clouds, a beatific smile on his face.

MRP
(dreamy voice)
You know….maybe killing animals isn’t such a good thing after all….
maybe I should stop doing that…hmmmm…you know what I can really
go for right now? A really nice tofu salad….mmmm….vegetables are so tasty….

MRP falls face down and falls asleep.

EXT. – NEW YORK STREETS – NIGHT

Kit leaps over a parked truck and lands in the middle of a busy street. Cars and trucks brake frantically and crash into one another. KIT looks simultaneously confused, scared and angry. He’s still holding a protesting LEO in his hand while he looks around frantically.

Something makes KIT do a double take and he looks offscreen.

Camera swings around to show, off in the distance:

The Empire State Building.

KIT stares at the building for a very long moment. There is a strange look on his face—a look of slow, dawning realization.

KIT turns to face LEO, grinning evilly.

LEO
(sudden realization)
(quiet horrified voice)
Oh no—not the toilet, KIT. Not the toilet!

Close-up LEO’s face

FLASHBACK F/X

We see LEO walking through the jungle that he was in earlier. He spots a stegosaurus.

LEO
Oh! Of course! Jurassic Park! Well, as long as
I don’t go into any toilets, I should be fine…

FLASHBACK F/X

LEO
(terrified voice)
I WAS RIIIIGHT!

KIT leaps over another truck and starts running down the street, straight towards the Empire State Building.

EXT. – LONDON DOCKS – DAY

We see a few fisherman and dock workers wandering around in the fog-shrouded port.

A large wave washes ashore and slowly drains away. Lying in a heap on the ground is a very soggy and tired looking LANDSHARK.

He gets up, muttering something under his breath ( “…colonial…” ) and glances around. With a determined look on his face, he storms off, his leather coat waving dramatically (and soggily) behind him.

He passes by a newspaper vendor waving a newspaper.

NEWSPAPER VENDOR
RMS Trent captured and boarded by Union troops! Diplomats
taken prisoner! Parliament calls act ‘outrageous insult to British
honour, and a flagrant violation of maritime law’! Lord Palmerston
calls emergency cabinet meeting!

INT. -10 DOWNING STREET- DAY

We see LORD PALMERSTON storm into a room. Sitting around a large table are numerous men. The men at the table look very angry. LORD PALMERSTON looks downright furious. He takes his hat off his head and throws it onto the table.

LORD PALMERSTON
I don’t know whether you are going to stand this, but I’ll be damned if I do!

General murmur of agreement.

LORD PALMERSTON
Now let’s write that ultimatum!

All the men gather together and start shouting out suggestions and ideas.

INT.- STATELY ROYAL CHAMBERS –DAY

We see PRINCE ALBERT sitting at a desk. His wife, QUEEN VICTORIA, is sitting in bed, looking at him with concern. PRINCE ALBERT looks rather old and very ill.

QUEEN VICTORIA
Darling—the doctors said that you shouldn’t exert yourself and to stay in bed.

PRINCE ALBERT
I will—but first I must change this ultimatum that they wrote.
Have you seen this?! It’s practically a declaration of war! No—
I must tone down this letter, if it’s the last thing I do!

He writes for a few minutes. He looks over what he wrote and makes one or two changes, then nods his head in satisfaction. He folds the letter and places it into an envelope. He rings a small bell.vv

PRINCE ALBERT
Boy! BOY! Get in here!

We see NEK rush in.

NEK
You summoned me, your majesty?

PRINCE ALBERT
Yes! Arrange to have this letter delivered
straight away to Lord Lyons!

NEK
At once sir!

NEK scurries off.

INT- CORRIDOR – DAY

We see NEK rushing down a corridor. He turns a corner and disappears from view.

We hear a very loud ‘Thump!’ sound—followed by the sound of someone collapsing to the ground.

A few seconds later, we see LANDSHARK appear around the corner, holding the letter. He pulls it out and reads it.

LANDSHARK
(shaking his head)
No—that won’t do at all.

He pulls out a pen and starts writing on the letter.

INT. – LARGE OFFICE – DAY

We see a man sitting behind a desk. Behind him, in the window, we can see the White House. A large brass nameplate on the desk is written ‘William H. Seward’.

An aide comes in.

AIDE
Sir, the British minister Lord Lyons to see you.

WILLIAM H. SEWARD
Send him in.

We see LORD LYONS walk in, holding an envelope. He presents it to SEWARD, who takes it and opens the envelope.

WILLIAM H. SEWARD
Any idea what this says?

LORD LYONS
None—my orders were to keep the letter sealed until I presented it to you.

WILLIAM H. SEWARD opens the letter and starts to read from it.

WILLIAM H. SEWARD
(reading)
You ungrateful bastards!

You lot can’t be trusted to use a paring knife without injuring yourselves, let alone run your own country! Your accent is atrocious, your food disgusting and your manners nonexistent! In short—you are a bunch of bloody useless idiots! And now you want to pick a fight with us?

Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough!

Signed – Your Rightful Masters

P.S. Damn Colonials!!!

There is a very long and uncomfortable pause.

LORD LYONS
I’ll just let myself out.

He walks out the room, as WILLIAM H. SEWARD stares at the letter in shock.

EXT. – WASHINGTON – DAY

The city is in chaos—British ships are blasting away at Union ships, seemingly at will. British troops are storming the harbour. Confederate troops are standing around the Washington Monument painting slogans on it (‘Yo Momma so fat that when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house! Ha-Ha-Ha!’) . The White House is in flames, with several dozen Canadian soldiers standing around roasting hot dogs over the flames. One of them is writing on an unburnt section of a wall of the White House ‘Ooops! We did it again! Bah-ha-ha!’

We see two ships sailing up the Potomac—the HMS WARRIOR and BLACK PRINCE.

The camera pulls in close to the HMS WARRIOR.

Sitting on the deck of the ship are Admiral TIELHARD and General 67 TH TIGERS. They are sitting next to a large table. On the table, we can clearly see scale models of Washington and the surrounding area, complete with ships, buildings, trees—even people.

The two of them seem to be arguing.

ADMIRAL TIELHARD
With the ’61 Springfield, and—
(licks finger holds it up)
-the wind at three knots south-southwesterly, and with the
current level of training morale in McClellan’s 5th corps, and–
(pauses; takes a medal off his vest and holds it up next to his head)
(we hear the sound of a bullet bouncing off the medal- PING!)
–where was I?—oh yes- and with the loss of Fortresses Monroe
and Calhoun and Fort Jefferson under siege, this means that the
Union forces here are currently operating at precisely 62.3%
effective ability! I also predict that at current rates of attrition,
we should have the entire Union surrendering in –
(pauses; pulls out slideruler)
–precisely 57 hours, 37 minutes and 17 seconds. That’s, of course,
if the wind maintains its speed of three knots. Now, if it’s FOUR knots,
then—

GENERAL 67 TH TIGERS
(interrupting)
Now see here Sir! I beg to differ! You’re forgetting to take into
consideration the missing Hartford. Rearmed in December ‘61
for wartime service, she’s got a broadside of eleven 9 inch guns
and a couple of 20 pdr rifles on deck-which we won’t count- or
a throw-weight of 797.5 lbs, plus she’s very fast at 13.5 knots,
and is capable of outrunning the British battleline. If she survives
for the next 48 hours, she will be able to hook up with the Brooklyn,
which is another fast cruiser at 11.5 knots with a broadside of
ten 9 inches and one 10 inch giving her a throw-weight of 828 lbs,
and they will be able to raid our southern supply lines.

ADMIRAL TIELHARD
Meaning what?

GENERAL 67 TH TIGERS
Well—if they do that, then the Union will fall in
67 hours, 47 minutes and 27 seconds instead!

They continue to argue.

We see—coming down the river—the USS MONITOR.

INT. – USS MONITOR – DAY

We see Captain IMAJIN sitting in the command chair staring offscreen with a spyglass.

CAPTAIN IMAJIN
Open fire!

The whole ship shakes as the guns fire again and again.

The first officer HERMANUBIS is staring outside with his spyglass. He gasps.

FIRST OFFICER HERMANUBIS
Sir! We’re firing at our own men!
They’re wearing blue not grey!

CAPTAIN IMAJIN
Blast! I can never tell the colours
when I’m using this monitor!

EXT- HMS WARRIOR –DAY

Admiral TIELHARD glances up from his tabletop miniatures to see the MONITOR. He calmly walks towards a cannon and swings it around. Strangely enough—he’s not aiming the cannon directly at the MONITOR—but rather far to the right and at a slight upward angle. He squints one eye and, using his thumb as a crude ruler against various landmarks, seems to make some last minute calculations. With great care, he bends over and moves the cannon a fraction of an inch to the right. Nodding his head with satisfaction, he fires the cannon. Without even bothering to see what’s happened to the cannonball, he turns around and sits back down at the table.

POV- Cannonball

We see the cannonball fire and launch itself towards a clump of trees. It hits the trees but, after hitting a particularly big tree, seems to deflect off course—straight towards a large rock. It bounces off the rock towards the river—and, like a skipping stone, actually skips along the water’s surface—straight towards the mouth of one of the MONITOR’s cannons!

It hits the cannon, creating a massive explosion. It slowly begins to sink.

INT. – MONITOR- DAY

Water is flooding into the ship. Flames and smoke are nearly obscuring the crew from view.

CAPTAIN IMAJIN
(throwing down his cap)
I knew they’d win! How can they lose when
their Navy has ‘Royal’ in the title?!!

EXT. – MONITOR- DAY

The ship sinks completely, disappearing from view.

EXT. – SOUTHERN PLANTATION –DAY

We see LANDSHARK walking triumphantly into the ‘Gone With the Wind’ home from before. Dramatically swinging open the doors and with his leather coat waving behind him, he strides in to see IRONYUPPIE standing in a corner, looking extremely annoyed.

He goes down on one knee before IRONYUPPIE

LANDSHARK
I HAVE RETURNED!

IRONYUPPIE
Where are my stilettos?

LANDSHARK
Alas, my darling, they had to be sacrificed when my ship was
blown up from beneath me and I had to use them to hang onto
a submarine’s periscope as it made its way through 2000 miles
of frigid water towards France where I—in my oh so brilliant way
—instigated a war between the colonies and England and, as we
speak, they are over-running Washington and—

IRONYUPPIE
(dangerous tone)
You…lost…my…shoes…?
(beat)
And you went to France and didn’t buy me any chocolates?

A foot kicks LANDSHARK in the face. He goes down. IRONYUPPIE continues to kick him mercilessly.

We suddenly hear a booming voice, seemingly coming from all around them.

VOICE
ATTENTION! SCENARIO CORRUPTED!
SCENARIO CORRUPTED! PROGRAM
WILL SHUT DOWN IN TEN SECONDS!
NINE…EIGHT…SEVEN…

IRONYUPPIE glances up at the voice, shrugs her shoulders and continues kicking LANDSHARK.

VOICE
THREE…TWO…ONE…

We see a phenomenally bright white light blinding us.

Fade to Black

EXT-DESERT VILLAGE-DAY

We see DIAMOND sitting regally on a chair. A pantsless URKEL walks up to him, carrying a tray with a large glass of beer on it. He bows slightly and offers the beer to DIAMOND. DIAMOND takes the glass off the tray and drains the entire glass in one gulp and hands the empty glass back to URKEL.

DIAMOND
Report URKEL 7688!

URKEL 7688
Fully a third of the village have embraced the joys
of pantslessness, Oh Enlightened One. It is only a
matter of time before the joys and wonders of
Pantslessness are embraced by all.

DIAMOND
(steepling his fingers)
Excellent.
(gets a strange and slightly demented gleam in his eyes)
Soon we shall lead a revolution and show the rest of this world
the glories that comes with casting out our pants and embracing the
freedoms of nakedness! And I—as the Pantsless Buddha—shall lead it.
(stands up; places his hands on URKEL 7688’s shoulders)
We shall see that perfect world in which there’s no war or famine,
oppression or brutality – all necessities provided, all anxieties tranquilized,
all boredom amused. And I have chosen you, URKEL 7688, to preach this evangel.

URKEL 7688
(shocked and awed voice)
Why me?

DIAMOND
Because you were the first to not wear any pants, dummy.

URKEL 7688
And all that from not wearing any pants? Gosh….

We hear the sound of marching feet. The two of them look off to the side.

We see WEAPON M marching. Behind him are at least 100 URKELS—all of them marching as well and carrying crude rifles slung over their shoulders.

WEAPON M
The more corrupt the state, the more it legislates!

URKELS
The more corrupt the state, the more it legislates!

WEAPON M
When the government’s boot is on your throat, whether it
is a left boot or a right boot is of no consequence!

URKELS
When the government’s boot is on your throat, whether it
is a left boot or a right boot is of no consequence!

WEAPON M
A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves!

URKELS
A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves!

WEAPON M
The road to slavery is first they take away your guns!

URKELS
The road to slavery is first they take away your guns!

WEAPON M
Then they take away your property!

URKELS
Then they take away your property!

WEAPON M
Then last of all they tell you to shut up
and say you are enjoying it!

URKELS
Then last of all they tell you to shut up
and say you are enjoying it!

They continue marching past DIAMOND and URKEL 7688. About a dozen or so of the gun-toting URKELS stop and stare at DIAMOND for a few seconds. They glance at one another for a few seconds, nod their heads and tear off their pants. With a shout of ‘Freedom!’, the now pantsless gun-toting URKELS run off after the marching URKELS.

DIAMOND wipes away tears from his eyes, obviously overcome with emotion.

INT. – LARGE OPULENT ROOM – DAY

The room looks like something from a Royal room—large tapestries on the walls, carpets, works of art—and in the middle—a large throne.

We see an URKEL on it—this one dressed in royal-like clothes—staring in disbelief at an URKEL standing in front of him. The royal URKEL is called URKEL PRIME.

URKEL PRIME
HOW many?!?

URKEL MESSENGER
Uh—about two-thirds in total sire—divided roughly equally
between the pantsless and the gun toting ones, sire.

URKEL PRIME
You are telling me that two thirds of my people have turned their
backs on our most sacred principles in a matter of a few days?!
(stands up; he looks totally pissed off)
Summon my troops! We shall put a stop to this abomination this instant!

URKEL PRIME storms out of the room.

EXT. –DESERT VILLAGE- DAY

We see DIAMOND standing on a boulder addressing a large group of pantsless URKELS. He is in the middle of a speech.

DIAMOND
…blessed are ye, when other URKELS shall revile you, and persecute you,
and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice,
and be exceeding glad–for great is your reward: for so persecuted they the
prophets like myself which were before you. Let your pantslessness so shine
before others, so that they may see your good works,
and glorify your leader DIAMOND…

URKELS
Aye!

We hear a loud commotion from offscreen. DIAMOND and the URKELS turn to look.

We see URKEL PRIME—in full royal armour—and about 50 or so uniformed URKELS carrying spears and swords.

URKEL PRIME
You will cease this immediately, outlander! The
rest of you—put on some pants or be arrested!

The guards step forward.

The pantsless URKELS are obviously scared but they stand their ground. The uniformed URKELS step forwards a few more steps, waving their weapons. One of them rushes forward and grabs DIAMOND.

DIAMOND
Get your stinking hands off of me, you damn dirty Urkel!
(pushes the guard away)

A few of the pantsless URKELS rush forward and intervene themselves between the oncoming uniformed URKELS and DIAMOND. It’s beginning to look like a very dangerous situation when…

..a shot rings out and a bullet hits the ground between the two groups. Both groups turn to look—the pantsless URKELS with joy, the uniformed URKELS with fear and confusion.

We see WEAPON M holding a rifle. Behind him—the armed URKELS all aiming their guns.

WEAPON M
An armed society is a polite society, dude.

URKEL PRIME looks furious.

URKEL PRIME
Attack my troops! Attack!

DIAMOND/WEAPON M
(together)
Get them!

Before the uniformed URKELS can react, the pantsless URKELS and armed URKELS rush towards them. In a matter of a few seconds, all of the uniformed URKELS are disarmed and pinned to the ground. URKEL PRIME is the only one left.

URKEL-PRIME
(falling to his knees)
Nooooo! It’s not suppose to be this way! We had a good thing
going on here until you people came! Now it’s all finished!
(falls to the ground weeping)

WEAPON M
A little bit of revolution every now and then is good for society.
You guys were way overdue.

DIAMOND
Indeed my militia friend! Now—what
other ideas can we bring to this society?

WEAPON M
I can introduce them to the
“The Three-Way Third Way”…

We suddenly hear a booming voice, seemingly coming from all around them.

VOICE
ATTENTION! SCENARIO CORRUPTED!
SCENARIO CORRUPTED! PROGRAM
WILL SHUT DOWN IN TEN SECONDS!
NINE…EIGHT…SEVEN…

DIAMOND and WEAPON M glance up, a look of confusion on their faces.

DIAMOND
Whoa—wait a minute—all this
was just a computer program?

WEAPON M
Damn! And I was so looking forward to
explaining my philosophy to these guys!
That reminds me—did I ever tell you
about the time I had…

VOICE
THREE…TWO…ONE…

We see a phenomenally bright white light blinding us.

Fade to black.

EXT. – EMPIRE STATE BUILDING- NIGHT

We see the Empire State Building. Spotlights are shining all along its sides. We see hundreds—maybe thousands—of people— media, police, onlookers – staring upwards.

Climbing along the side of the building—KIT KONG, holding a screaming LEO.

KIT is slowly but surely making his way upwards.

INT- MAYOR’S OFFICE – DAY

We see Mayor SYPHON talking to the Chief of Police HAGGIS.

MAYOR SYPHON
We have to stop that…that…creature!

CHIEF HAGGIS
Already on it, sir!
(picks up phone; sits down in chair as he does so)

The chair shatters beneath him and CHIEF HAGGIS falls to the ground.

CHIEF HAGGIS
Damn it—why does that always happen to me!

EXT.-AIRFIELD- NIGHT

We see five 2-man biplanes take off. Each biplane contains a pilot and a gunner.

CLOSE-UP
The crews of the biplanes

CHIEF HAGGIS
(VO)
Sound off!

PLANE #1: DOETH/ADAM (pilot/gunner)

DOETH
Brown One

PLANE #2: FABILIUS/ZARTH (pilot/gunner)

FABILIUS
White Two

PLANE #3: RAN EXILIS/BLACKBEARD (pilot/gunner)

RAN EXILIS
Blue Three

PLANE #4: THE SANDMAN/RCTFI (pilot/gunner)

THE SANDMAN
Orange Four

PLANE #5: BLACKMAGE/EVOLVEDSAURIAN (pilot/gunner)

BLACKMAGE
Pink Five

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Hey—why are we always pink! I’m fed up of being pink!
Why can’t we be another colour!

CHIEF HAGGIS
(VO)
(deep sigh)
Fine—you guys are Fuchsia! Happy?

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Alright!
(beat)
Pssst—BLACKMAGE—what the fuck is fuchsia?

BLACKMAGE sighs.

EXT. – EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT

KIT KONG has reached nearly to the top of the building and is attempting—with no success—to apparently try squeezing both himself and LEO in through a small window on the building.

Even from this distance, we can hear LEO screaming.

KIT howls in frustration.

The five biplanes come into view.

CHIEF HAGGIS
(OV)
Base to Fuchsia Five—what the hell is that thing trying to do?

BLACKMAGE
Fuchsia Five to Base—as near as I can tell—he’s trying to squeeze both himself
and the captured person into the disabled men’s washroom on the observation deck.

Long pause.

CHIEF HAGGIS
What the fuck does he want to do that for?

BLACKMAGE
Buggered if I know.

CHIEF HAGGIS
Never mind–take him down!

BLACKMAGE
Aye-aye sir!

The five biplanes bank and start diving down towards KIT KONG.

EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT

KIT KONG is now standing on the roof of the building, still carrying LEO in one hand. KIT looks up to see the five planes come diving towards him, their guns blazing. KIT places LEO down on a nearby ledge and turns and turns his attention back towards the planes.

Trails of bullets sweep across the roof of the building, spraying dust and chunks of debris everywhere. Several of the bullets can be seen impacting his skin. KIT howls in anger and pain and suddenly makes a dramatic leap upwards—straight towards one of the planes!

KIT’s hand smashes against the plane’s wing, ripping a massive chunk of it loose. The plane—now flying with just a wing and a half—flies out of control and begins to descend rapidly to the streets below.

INT. – PLANE – NIGHT

BLACKMAGE is frantically attempting to regain some control of the plane but it’s obvious that it’s a valiant but useless effort. The plane starts going into a long shallow dive along Fifth Avenue.

BLACKMAGE
MAYDAY! MAYDAY! We are out of control! Impact in
less than ten seconds! Oh God! We’re going to die!

EVOLVEDSAURIAN is sitting behind BLACKMAGE, a thoughtful look on his face. He reaches over and taps BLACKMAGE on the shoulder.

BLACKMAGE
(turning around; screaming)
WHAT?!?

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
I’ve just wanted to tell you—I’ve always loved you.

He leans over and kisses BLACKMAGE on the lips, much to BLACKMAGE’s shock.

The plane crashes into the ground a few seconds later.

EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT

The four surviving biplanes are blasting away at KIT KONG but with little effect. KIT KONG screams and hits another biplane—this one containing DOETH and ADAM. It spins out of control and plunges towards the street below.

INT. PLANE- DAY

ADAM
Oh God Doeth—we’re going to die!

DOETH
For the last fucking time—it’s pronounced
Doeth, not Do-eth! It’s ONE syllable!

The plane crashes into the street below, exploding on impact.

EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT

KIT KONG grabs a chunk of debris from the roof and throws it at a plane—this one with FABILIUS and ZARTH in it. The chunk of debris rips the plane in half—causing the two sections to fall in two different directions down to the street below.

INT. PLANE- DAY

ZARTH
Ever have one of those days where you think
you should have stayed in a box all day?

FABILIUS
I know the feeling—I should have never left Iceland.

ZARTH
You’re from Iceland? You poor sad bastard….

The two pieces crash into the street below.

EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT

KIT KONG is screaming at the remaining two planes.

INT. – PLANE – NIGHT

RAN EXILIS
Ha! I’ll like to see that bastard try to get me!
I’m angry, young and Dutch!

BLACKBEARD
What’s your point?

RAN EXILIS
My point is that with that combination
I can’t die! I’m fucking invinci-

A rock thrown by KIT KONG smashes into the plane—causing it to explode dramatically and scattering pieces of it over a three block radius of New York City.

The pieces come tumbling onto the streets below.

CLOSE-UP: Debris

We see one smoldering wooden shoe among all the debris.

EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT

There’s just one plane left. KIT KONG roars in defiance.

INT. – PLANE – NIGHT

THE SANDMAN
What do you think?

RCTFI
Fuck this—I say we just go to Atlantic City,
pick up a few hookers and get drunk.

THE SANDMAN
Sounds like a plan—you’re paying the first round.

RCTFI
Why do I have to pay for the first round?

THE SANDMAN
Because you made fun of my poem before, that’s why!

RCTFI
‘Slouching towards Kyoto’ is a really sucky title for a poem.
Besides which—it’s very derivative of Yeats.

THE SANDMAN
It wasn’t a ripoff—it was a homage!

Still arguing, they bank the plane and it flies off towards Atlantic City.

EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT

KIT KONG roars in triumph. He turns and looks at LEO, an evil grin on his face. As he steps forward, we suddenly hear a booming voice, seemingly coming from all around them.

VOICE
ATTENTION! PRIMARY AND SECONDARY SCENARIOS
HAVE BEEN CORRUPTED! UNABLE TO SUSTAIN POWER
FOR TERTIARY SCENARIO! SYSTEM CRASH IMMINENT!
PROGRAM WILL AUTOMATICALLY SHUT DOWN IN
TEN SECONDS! NINE…EIGHT…SEVEN…

LEO
(relieved)
Oh thank God…..

VOICE
THREE…TWO…ONE…

We see a phenomenally bright white light blinding us.

Fade to black.

INT. – STRANGE ROOM – DAY(?)

Tight on – LANDSHARK’s face. His eyes are closed, though flickering with rapid eye movements. An expression of deep pain is on his face. In the distance, we hear a clanging alarm sound and an electrical spark runs across his face. He wakes up with a start.

LANDSHARK
(to himself)
Dammit woman, you’ll be regretting that next Tuesday
when you expect me to do that thing with the grated cheese and
the industrial-strength duct tape!
(looking around)
Hey, we did it!

The room is a beat-up, concrete-walled underground bunker of some kind, obviously part of some vast complex. 1960s-style naked lightbulbs, flickering, hang from the ceiling. LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE (still regaining consciousness) are strapped to tables with colanders over their heads and wires attached to their foreheads. As we watch, LANDSHARK rips his away and then begins removing the ones attached to IRONYUPPIE with rather more delicacy.

LANDSHARK
Easy does it…

We see a hand lash out and fasten itself around his throat.

LANDSHARK
Urkgh?

IRONYUPPIE
(dreamily)
You call THAT a bikini wax?
I’ll show YOU a bikini wax…

LANDSHARK
(turning purple from lack of oxygen)
Erikkurgh!

IRONYUPPIE
(opening her eyes)
Oh, it’s you
(disappointed)
I was expecting that hot girl from Madame Liu’s spa.

LANDSHARK
If we’d been stuck in there with you five minutes
longer, I would have been. Now come on,
let’s get out of here!

IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK both get up and stare at the imposing steel blast door sealing them into the room.

IRONYUPPIE
If only I had my shoes with the…”special” heels…
(dangerous tones)
But you had to go and lose them in the Atlantic, didn’t you?

LANDSHARK
(backing away)
Now, come on, I…
(sudden realization)
Hey! If that was all
(makes quote marks with fingers)
“In our heads”, then shouldn’t you
still have them?

IRONYUPPIE glances down and indeed she’s still wearing the shoes. She starts to take them off.

LANDSHARK
(stabbing an accusing finger)
Hah! So I only lost them in imaginary-land!

IRONYUPPIE
(not looking up)
And I only kicked you in the
balls in imaginary land, so it
all balances out. Unless you’d like
to try it out for real.

LANDSHARK
(seriously considers it)
No thank you.

IRONYUPPIE, with a flourish, pulls off her shoe and jams it in the crack in the blast door, then with a flick of her wrist, snaps off the stiletto heel, leaving it wedged in the crack. We hear a high-pitched beeping sound rising in tone, and a little red light exposed in the broken heel starts flashing. IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK quickly dive for shelter behind the brain-control tables.

There is a huge explosion and the door is destroyed – huge fragments of redhot razor sharp metal scythe overhead. When the smoke clears, the way is open.

IRONYUPPIE
(as she walks out)
I always dress to kill.

LANDSHARK
(to himself)
God I love that woman.

He follows her.

INT. – UNDERGROUND BUNKERS – DAY

IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK come out into a corridor. Three similar blast doors open out onto it, but these three all have control buttons at the side. We hear a banging coming from inside one of the rooms.

DIAMOND
Let me out! Let me out!

WEAPON M
Aw, but dude! I just got to the good part!
You see, this chick peeled off her-

LANDSHARK walks up to the door and hits the button. The doors slide open and DIAMOND dives out, a hunted look in his eyes, followed by WEAPON M.

DIAMOND
(babbling)
No more threesome stories!
It’s enough to drive a man to pants!

IRONYUPPIE
(mock disappointed)
What a pity, Jim, I was just about
to regale you with what Helga, Karla
and I did in the womens’ changing rooms
at the Intertimeline Olympics during the
Viagra scandal.

DIAMOND stares at her in horror while LANDSHARK grins.

WEAPON M
Hey, where are Kit and Leo?

LANDSHARK
In here, I imagine
(points at the two remaining doors)
Damn colonials couldn’t find their
way out of a paper bag.

DIAMOND
Uh, isn’t Kit a Brit?

LANDSHARK
(as though this explains everything)
He’s Welsh, they don’t count.

LANDSHARK goes up to one of the doors at random and presses the button. The door opens and he is immediately run over as LEO hurtles out of the door, letting out a high-pitched electronic scream. His eyes are glowing red.

LEO
(in Aramaic)
Lo teqruwb li horko!
LO TEQRUWB LI HORKO!!!

LEO vanishes into one of the other rooms. A few moments later, a confused-looking KIT emerges.

KIT
Hey, what happened?
I just had a very confusing dream.
There weren’t even any naked Matt Damon
clones rubbing each other down with
baby oil, and that has to be a first!

LANDSHARK
We’ve all been stuck in some
mind-game scenarios based on classic films.

DIAMOND
(still looking ill from Kit’s description)
Maybe Leo can tell us more, if…

We hear the sound and see the flashes of sparks coming from the other room. After a few seconds, LEO re-emerges, walking rather stiffly. WEAPON M gives him a curious glance.

WEAPON M
Dude, why’d you just weld up
your rear access port?

KIT
Leo! NOOO!!!
You can’t damage your magnificent glutes!

LEO
(nervously)
Stay away from me!
(to the others)
So we managed to corrupt the scenarios
and get out. Now to find whoever’s responsible.

LANDSHARK
(with feeling)
And introduce his duodenum to my cricket bat.

KIT
Is this a euphemism for something?

LANDSHARK
(ignoring him)
Forward!

The AH.commers all go to the fourth and final door. LEO presses the button and they walk through into a darkened room.

INT. – FOURTH ROOM

As they walk in, some lights come on, weakly, but the room is mostly in shadows. In the middle of the room, surrounded by TV screens showing only static, is a desk and in a throne-like chair turned away from the AH.commers is a dark, cloaked figure.

DIAMOND
Mr Evil Dude, I presume.

WEAPON M
Ten bucks on him being
dead and all this worked by computers.

DIAMOND
You’re on – all this is from
the 1960s, they didn’t have
computers to do that then.

WEAPON M
Hell, this place runs on films
and, according to them, they had it
in the 1930s!

DIAMOND
(scowling)
True…

LANDSHARK
All right, Mr Big Brother Target Demographic!
Turn around and face us like a man before
I man your face with a turn!

DIAMOND
That didn’t even make sense!

KIT
(smiling)
I think it did…

LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE go up to the chair, still unmoving. IRONYUPPIE spins it around and the dark figure is revealed to them…

EVIL MASTERMIND
What?What are you doing here?
This is ——,the place that must
not be named.LOL!!! LMAO!!!!
:rolleyes: :p :rolleyes: :p

EVERYONE
WTF?!!

EDVADER gets up. He’s wearing a Darth Vader helmet and a black cloak but, under it, is wearing a Superman costume.

EDVADER
You were supposed to stay—-in the scenarios-films!
until I broke your minds.What does everyone think of this?
:p :rolleyes:

LEO CAESIUS
(coldly)
And for what purpose?

EDVADER
(angrily)
It used to be good–I had this bunker and
all the classic films to entertain me while
the surface recovered from the nuke war.Then THEY came!

KIT
“They”?

EDVADER
They shot up the old city–-city!They had a great
black starship like in star wars!NOOOOO!!!
And they took all my classic films!
So I used the old virtual reality machine—like in Tron!
to catch and brainwash you so you could act them out for me!

DIAMOND
Um – what?
If it could make us think we were
in classic films, then why didn’t you
just use it yourself to live out all
your film fantasies?

EDVADER
(long pause)
NOOOO!!!Damn you!Now you shall be my nemesis,
he who shall not be named, d——-d!

LANDSHARK
Whatever. Let’s kick this wanker’s
arse and get the fuck out of here.

EDVADER
NOOOOO!!
You’re going back into the machines!

IRONYUPPIE
And who’s gonna make us?

EDVADER pulls a lever on his desk and, as he does so, we see movement from all around the room. More lights come on, revealing shelves on shelves all along the walls. Each and every one of them is packed tight with classic DC Comics action figures…and, as we watch, they come alive!

EDVADER
Get them, Justice League!

LANDSHARK
Oh, you’ve got to be kidding.

The ACTION FIGURES dive on the AH.commers. They all start kicking and punching them out of the air, but they don’t have their weapons and begin to get swarmed. A Green Lantern forms a human-sized fist using his power ring and knocks out WEAPON M, while a Superman uses his heat-ray vision to set fire to LANDSHARK’s hair and he desperately runs around looking for an Aquaman to put it out.

LEO CAESIUS crunches one with a lightning-fast blow of his metallic hand and finds himself fighting next to KIT.

KIT
I don’t think we can last much longer!

LEO CAESIUS
I’m still not speaking to you!

KIT
I don’t even remember what happened!

LEO CAESIUS
I wish I could say the same!

As they speak, another action figure flies straight up to KIT and looms in his face.

KIT
(‘The Scream’ pose)
Aaagghhh!! So big, so round, so wobbly…
(collapses)

EDVADER
LMAO!! Go Power Girl!

LEO CAESIUS
This is not looking good.
(his expression changes)
Although…

EDVADER
(pointing at him)
You!Robot like C-3PO in Star Wars!
You’re going back into the machine and—

LEO CAESIUS
(looking at the ceiling)
I think…not…

As he speaks, columns of brilliant light appear around the room and resolve themselves into DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, MICHAEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DAVE HOWERY. All of them are packing BFGs, except DAVE who has his chainsaw. They stare at the scene with all the action figures attacking the landing party, then immediately go into action.

MATT
(shouting)
Kill the asshats!

DAVE HOWERY swings his chainsaw and slices up dozens of the action figures.

DAVE HOWERY
Hah! Eat adamantium! How’dya like that-

We hear a grinding shriek, there’s a shower of sparks, and the chainsaw blade stops. DAVE looks down to see that he’s hit a Wolverine action figure.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn, didn’t think of that.

The chainsaw remains still and he starts spinning around, then flies off and hurtles through the air.

Meanwhile –

MICHAEL
Hey, Doc, I think these guys are impostors, not
the real landing party. You’d better shoot ‘em.

DOCTOR WHAT
(doubtfully)
Really?

MICHAEL
Yeah! And shoot us, while you’re at it.
You can’t be too careful.

DOCTOR WHAT shrugs, holds out his BFG at arm’s length and, his eyes closed, sprays the room wildly with plasma fire. When he opens his eyes again, the AH.commers are completely untouched but half the action figures are melted to plastic debris.

MICHAEL
(lighting a cigar)
You work with what you have.

Go back to – DAVE HOWERY as he lands on EDVADER’s desk. He goes sliding along it, knocking piles of original scripts and comics everywhere, and slams into the control button at the end. His beard hits the button and immediately rips the entire console to shreds. Everything goes dark and all the remaining action figures fall to the floor and go inactive.

DAVE HOWERY
Heh. Who needs a chainsaw anyway
when you’ve got adamantium whiskers?

As he gets up, the other AH.commers recover.

DOCTOR WHAT
Kit! Erikka! You’re okay!

LEO CAESIUS
Only in the High Archaic Upper
Voltaic sense of the word, Doc.

The AH.commers converge on the quailing EDVADER.

EDVADER
Hey—-LOL,LMAO?Why don’t we call a truce
like at the end of Revenge of the Sith??

LANDSHARK
(threatening)
What do you want to do to him?

IRONYUPPIE
I’ve decided.

LANDSHARK
It had better be good!

IRONYUPPIE
Nothing.

LANDSHARK/EVERYONE
What?!!

IRONYUPPIE
C’mon – do you really think we could reduce him
to a more miserable existence than this?

LANDSHARK
We could try!

As they argue – MATT and DAVE HOWERY are examining some of EDVADER’s comics.

DAVE HOWERY
Wow, The Amazing Spider-man #1!

MATT
Torq will be Hulk with envy…

DOCTOR WHAT picks up several female action figures with a thoughtful expression on his face.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, Leo, do you think you could emulate that control
system Dave trashed? I find these strangely ar-

As they speak, the teleportation beams take them again.

The light fades, and the room is empty.

Tight on – EDVADER sitting on his own in the chair.

He suddenly raises his fist and yells at the ceiling:

EDVADER
I’ll get you one day, D——d!

EXT. – SPACE – AH.COM SHIP

We see the AH.com ship orbiting the desolate Earth again.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

G.BONE conscientiously presses the last button and the AH.commers materialise. DOCTOR WHAT glances around.

G.BONE
How’d it go, dudes?

DOCTOR WHAT
(grudgingly)
Textbook.
Good work, G.Bone.

G.BONE
Awesome.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR

LEO CAESIUS
You must be glad to have me back, Doc –
the ship must have been falling apart
without me here!

DOCTOR WHAT
(awkwardly)
Yeah – about that…
You’d better come with me…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – COMPUTER ROOM

LEO CAESIUS stares as DAVE HOWERY, THANDE and TORQUMADA disconnect KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, the MOSQUITO and BOBO from the machine. Most of the other AH.commers are also watching. DOCTOR WHAT sidles up to LEO CAESIUS.

LEO CAESIUS
(dangerous tones)
You tried to replace me?

DOCTOR WHAT
Only temporarily!
Besides, while you were away,
ah, “Keirsquitbo” sorted out
all those archive video files
of Kit’s quarters that you were
putting off.

LEO CAESIUS
(to himself)
Thank God. The last time I did that,
he’d put subliminal messages in his
sock draw layout, and…

DOCTOR WHAT
Anyway, no harm done, and we’ve got them
back at last.

THANDE, with the MOSQUITO, and TORQUMADA with BOBO walk up. In the background, we see DAVE HOWERY going off with KEIRA, who can’t take her hands off him.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re okay? No side effects?

TORQUMADA
The readings say they’re fine.

BOBO
Bobo lose weight.
Bobo star in pirate films…

TORQUMADA
What?!!

MOSQUITO
(to BOBO)
You get away!
It is only I who exist to serve the great Torq!
(bows down to him)

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh…what was I saying about side effects?

THANDE
Just a little cliché brain switch,
nothing to worry about…

TORQUMADA
Er – hang on – if Bobo’s in the mosquito
and Keira’s in Bobo, then…

ALL
Uh-oh.

We hear a high-pitched shriek and DAVE HOWERY runs back in, his pants down (DIAMOND nods approvingly) and twin puncture marks in his throat trickling blood down his neck.

DAVE HOWERY
It’s Keira!
She’s a vampire!

DOCTOR WHAT calmly gets out a clipboard and ticks a box.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good good, one down one to go,
now to see how she feels about lesbianism…

IRONYUPPIE
Yeah, like you’ll get there first!

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re on!

They race after KEIRA into the distance.

Fade to black.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT- PLANET ORBIT – DAY

We see the AH.COM ship fire its engines and slowly pull away from orbit and into space.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

We see various crew members at their posts. DOCTOR WHAT is leaning back in the command chair, playing with a few buttons on the arm-rest.

LEO
Engineering reports that we will be ready
to activate the Shift engines momentarily.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great—the sooner we leave these freaky timeline,
the better. How do you feel being out of your robot
body and back in the ship?

LEO
Much, much, MUCH safer, Doc.

KIT
For the last time—I don’t remember anything!

LEO
I’m still not talking to you! God—I’ll never be able
to watch that movie ever again…
(beat)
By the way—I did some additional analysis of those readings
we took from the planet surface. Remember those weird craters
that I detected? The ones made by plasma weapons?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah—what of it?

LEO
I examined the beta decay radiation signature
from the neutrino traces I found. They are virtually
identical to the plasma weapons used by the
CF.Net ship.

Gasps of shock and surprise from the bridge crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell—the CF.Netters were the ones
who attacked that nuked world last year?

LEO
That does seem to be the case.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ummm—the world was already a radioactive hellhole.
Blowing it up again—isn’t that a wee bit excessive?

LEO
Well—we are talking about a ship crewed by pirates, thugs,
cut throats, murderers, and dimwits after all…

DOCTOR WHAT
Got a point, there.
(beat)
Wait a sec—that means that they are the ones who
stole what’s-his-name’s films from him last year.
And the reason why we ended up in this mess in
the first place.
(beat)
(confused voice)
Why the hell would Ward want
to steal a bunch of movies?

LEO
Beats me.

DOCTOR WHAT
Meh—I’ve got better things to do then try to
figure out what goes on in that twisted old
man’s mind. Engage the Shift!

LEO
Engaged!

EXT- AH.COM SHIP – DAY

We see a vortex open up and the ship begins to move towards it.

INT. – DARK ROOM- NIGHT

We slowly pan across the inside of a dark room. Other than noticing that the walls are made from medal, we can see very little of how it looks like.

But we can hear—sounds. The sounds are faint and have a slight echo to them but we can hear what sounds like—weeping. Faint whimpers of pain. Groaning sounds. A rhythmic pounding sound that we realize after a few seconds to be the sound of somebody pounding their head on a metal wall. We hear a few faint words and phrases–’Make it stop’, ‘Please—no more’, ‘Oh God—the pain…’, ‘….noooooo!…’ and so forth.

The camera pans into and through a wall and out into a corridor—where we see standing against one wall—

WARD.

He is leaning nonchalantly against the wall, drinking a cup of coffee and smoking a cigar.

He’s grinning maniacally.

GRIMM REAPER comes into view next to WARD and looks at a watch in his hands.

GRIMM REAPER
They’ve watched both movies now, sir.

WARD
Even the credits?

GRIMM REAPER
That—AND the special deleted
scenes only found on the DVD, sir.
WARD
Excellent—let them out.

GRIMM REAPER walks towards a door. On the door is a piece of cardboard. On the cardboard are written the words:

TONITE ONLY: SPECIAL MOVIE NIGHT! CATWOMAN/ELECTRA DOUBLE BILL!

GRIMM REAPER opens the door. He is almost overwhelmed by a stampede of cf.netters (DOMINUSNOVUS, FAEELIN and many others) running out of the room. They reach to WARD and collapse to their knees, weeping and whimpering.

CF.NETTERS
No more! We’ll be good! PLEASE show us anything—anything else
except that! We’ll even watch your slideshows! All 17,570 of them!
All in one sitting! We’ll do anything you ask! Anything! But please
not that again! Anything except that!! PLEASE!!!
(they break down in tears)

WARD leans back and smirks, taking a long puff on his cigar.

WARD
Good to be the King.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT- AH.COM SHIP- VISITOR’S LOUNGE- DAY

The camera opens up on the ship’s small but plush visitors’ lounge, a room with soft carpets, easy chairs, and soft music. DOCTOR WHAT is seen standing nervously, in his full formal uniform, tugging at his collar. LANDSHARK, FLOOCULENCIO, MICHAEL, and DMA, also in full uniform are standing in a line next to him.

LANDSHARK
So, who’s this woman again?

DOCTOR WHAT
The local Coordinator of the Office of Minor Temporal Travelers Affairs.
She’s here to make sure that LUAKEL is being raised properly.

FLOCCULENCIO
Bugger. We’re screwed for sure.

MICHAEL
Now that’s the spirit.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, don’t say that. We’ve been cleaning the ship all week,
I’ve had everyone brushing up on their manners, we’ve coached
LUAKEL to sound nice and moral, and KIT is locked up in the
storage room for the duration of her visit. We can pull this off.
Act nice, here she comes.

A woman in a severely plain business suit walks into the lounge. She is middle aged and plain, with graying hair pulled back into a tight bun. A disapproving scowl is on her face. DOCTOR WHAT steps forward and offers his hand.

DOCTOR WHAT
MISS SACKICKER, welcome to the AH.COM.

MISS SACKICKER looks at his hand as if it was a dirty wet paw. After an embarrassing silence, DOCTOR WHAT withdraws his hand.

MISS SACKICKER
Captain What, I am extremely unhappy with what I have heard
about your ship so far. Your reputation consists of little more than
rumors of assault and battery on innocent persons, drunken licentiousness,
and moral misconduct of a shocking nature. How do you expect to raise a
young man properly in this sort of environment? I have even heard that you
have cohabitating couples on this ship who live in carnal companionship
without the benefit of marriage!

DOCTOR WHAT
(defensively)
Only two. But I think you are maligning us. To be sure, our crew can
be a rough bunch at times… but if they weren’t, we would never have
survived. And LUAKEL is gaining an education not to be matched
planetside. He is learning the history of dozens of cultures, is exposed
to a wide variety of languages, and has learned to tolerate the strange
customs of many worlds. And we have never attacked the innocent,
MISS SACKICKER. We have defended ourselves on numerous occasions,
but have never blatantly attacked anyone.

MISS SACKICKER looks like she is partially convinced by DOCTOR WHAT’S argument, when a shriek of feminine rage is heard. The camera shifts to a view of the hallway beyond the door. LUAKEL is seen running at full speed past the door.

LUAKEL
I’msorryIpeeked,pleasedon’tkillme!!

Seconds later, KEIRA is seen running past, obviously chasing LUAKEL. One hand is holding a towel wrapped around her body, and the other is waving one of DAVE HOWERY’S adamantium chainsaws in anger. She is dripping wet, and has obviously been interrupted in the middle of a shower. She looks furious.

Seconds after that, DAVE HOWERY is seen running past the door in pursuit of KEIRA; he holds his other chainsaw.

DAVE HOWERY
KEIRA, honey, please don’t kill him! I want to do it!

MISS SACKICKER looks back at DOCTOR WHAT, who groans and turns to the other crewmembers.

DOCTOR WHAT
Guys, go break that up, will ya?

The other crewmembers leave the lounge in a hurry.

DOCTOR WHAT
I guess this looks pretty bad, doesn’t it?

MISS SACKICKER looks even more angry and disapproving than she did when she first came in. At this moment, MATT enters the room. He has a handcart piled high with cardboard boxes. Each has the words “LESBIAN PORN” stenciled on it in all too noticeable big letters.

MATT
Hey, Doc, where do you want these?
WEAPON M and DIAMOND are bringing the rest.
HENDRYK said he’ll handle the real hard core stuff.

DOCTOR WHAT turns back to MISS SACKICKER with a very weak smile.

DOCTOR WHAT
We… uh… keep that around for business reasons.
Some timelines use porn for currency. Really.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“A SMALL PROBLEM”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

EXT- SPACE- DAY

The camera opens on a scene in space, showing the Earth below. A wormhole opens up, and the AH.COM flies out of it, and settles into orbit. Moments later, the shuttle bay is seen to open, and a shuttle flies out of the ship.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY-

The camera sweeps across the room, showing most of the crew at stations. The camera stops on DOCTOR WHAT sitting in his chair, MATT standing next to him.

MATT
Man, we sure had to leave that timeline in a hurry. How long do
you suppose it’ll take them to find MISS SACKICKER?

DOCTOR WHAT
Hopefully a day or two. That reminds me, I’ll have to write G BONE
a commendation. He managed to transport her right into the darkest
corner of that hog farm. It took some doing to drag her down and tie
her up… I think WEAPON M still has some bruises.

KIT
Hey, one of the shuttles just launched! Who’s taking it?

WEAPON M
Just GBW. Every so often, he likes to take a shuttle out to the dark side
of the moon for ‘personal reasons.’ I think he steals part of the Doc’s
porn collection and has an uninterrupted Onanistic orgy.

THANDE
I don’t think that’s true. GBW is one of the most thoughtful and
logical of this benighted crew. I think he takes some time to
contemplate deep thoughts.

DIAMOND
Yup. Deep thoughts about naked chicks with big jugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re all wrong.

The other crewmembers turn to DOCTOR WHAT with questioning looks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind. It’s none of your business. LEO,
what can you tell us about the planet here?

DOCTOR WHAT swivels his chair back towards the view screen, as LEO CAESIUS speaks.

LEO CAESIUS
This world is fairly advanced… but not quite enough for first contact.
They are close to having real spaceships, and they have several centers
of high technology. But, they are not ready for dealing with multiple
timelines yet. They still have some international problems to work out.
Since we have no need of any supplies right now, I recommend we stay
in orbit, and risk no contact of any kind.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. LEO, mark the coordinates of this
timeline down and flag it as Category C.
(pauses)
Too bad. First contact is something I really enjoy. It’s why I got into
the service in the first place. Introducing worlds to the multiverse is a
thrill like no other. If this world had only been a few more decades along….

THANDE
But I have to wonder if we are the best ones for first contact.
After all, they will judge all other timeline travelers by us.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around the room. He sees DIAMOND sitting at his console with no pants on, IRON YUPPIE slapping LANDSHARK’S hand as he inadvertently moves it on her side of the station they are at, WEAPON M picking his teeth with a huge survival knife, and DMA guzzling a can of Foster beer.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s so wrong with the crew? Never mind, let’s prepare
to shift out of here. As soon as GBW gets back, we’ll…

LEO CAESIUS
Wait… there is a huge energy field that
just sprang up in Sault Ste. Marie.

WEAPON M
Jesus Christ, I’m starting to hate it when that name comes up.

The crew looks at the view screen. On it, North America can be seen. A vast field of sparkling energy is seen rapidly expanding across the continent. In seconds, it covers the western hemisphere, and then moves around the entire globe.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good God Almighty! LEO, what the hell is that?!

LEO CAESIUS
It’s hard to get a reading on it. Wait… it appears to be…
uh oh, it’s expanding out towards us! Brace for impact!

On the view screen, the shimmering energy field can be seen expanding outwards.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

The camera shows the AH.COM in orbit. The energy field expands outward and washes over the ship.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The room shakes violently, and the crew members stagger for a moment. And then, all of them grab their heads and start screaming in pain, writhing in agony.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

G BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are seen rolling on the floor, holding their heads and howling in pain.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MED BAY- DAY

DIAMOND and TORQUMADA are seen holding their heads and curled up on the floor, screaming like all the others.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS- DAY

DAVE HOWERY, like all the others, is on the floor howling in pain. KEIRA is holding on to him… she does not seem to be affected by the energy wave, but she looks around in terror as the ship shakes. With a great shower of sparks, the lights in the room go out, and the scene plunges into total darkness. KEIRA can be heard screaming over the black.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

The camera shows a scene of the AH.COM small against the vast globe of the earth. The web of energy shimmers over the planet and the ship for a few seconds, and then it suddenly vanishes. The AH.COM can barely be seen, as there are only a handful of lights still left shining on it.

EXT- SPACE-DAY-

The dark side of the moon fills the screen. The camera slowly descends down the surface, and stops when a brightly lit shuttle comes into view. The words “MIMI MIYAGI” can be seen painted on the nose.

INT- MIYAGI SHUTTLE- COCKPIT – DAY

GBW is seen sitting in the pilot’s chair, feet propped up on the console in front of it. He has an open beer bottle in one hand, but it seems to have been scarcely touched. His other hand holds a photograph. GBW is looking at it with a mixed expression of sadness and fondness.

The camera switches view to the photo in his hand. It shows GBW (apparently several years younger) with an arm around a pretty and petite blonde girl. Both are smiling out of the photo, sitting on a green lawn.

The camera switches back to GBW, and a beeping sound is heard. GBW looks at his watch, and turns off the alarm. With one last look at the photo, he puts it in his shirt pocket. He sits up, takes his feet off the console, and flips several switches. He takes hold of the control stick and pushes it forward.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

The AH.COM ship is seen drifting in orbit over earth. The MIYAGI shuttle comes into view, moving towards the larger ship.

INT- MIYAGI SHUTTLE- COCKPIT- DAY

GBW flips several switches, and then pushes the comm button.

GBW
LANDSHARK, I’m bringing the MIYAGI back. Open up the shuttle bay doors, please.

Nothing happens.

GBW
LANDSHARK? You there?
Did YUPPIE put another gag in your mouth?
Hello?

Silence. GBW looks very confused, and pushes another comm button.

GBW
Okay, KIT, LANDSHARK is playing games again.
Open up the shuttle bay doors, would you?

Silence. GBW looks up at the view screen, a very annoyed look on his face. The camera switches to his POV. The AH.COM can clearly be seen now, and it is obvious that there is something wrong. Only a few running lights are seen on the outside of the ship, and the portholes show only dim emergency lights inside the ship. The camera switches back to GBW, who now looks worried.

GBW
LEO, can you hear me? Anyone?

Silence. GBW looks at the view screen for a moment, and then looks at his console. The camera switches to his POV, and we see his hand reach for a button labeled “Manual Docking Controls”.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

The camera switches to a view of the AH.COM. A loud unlatching sound is heard, and the shuttle bay doors open on the ship. The MIYAGI is seen moving towards the bay.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- SHUTTLE BAY- DAY

The bay doors close the last few inches, with a loud locking sound, followed by the hiss of equalizing air pressure. The door of the shuttle opens, and GBW steps out. He looks around warily, and has a heavy book in hand. He walks over to the consoles on the side of the bay. One console for communications has a button by a microphone. GBW pushes the button and speaks into the mike.

GBW
LEO! It’s GBW. Can you hear me?

LEO CAESIUS’S voice sounds over the loudspeakers, but his voice is monotone and flat, with pauses between syllables.

LEO CAESIUS
Hel lo G B W. My name is Leo.
Would you like to play a game of chess?

GBW
Wha… chess?! No, I don’t want to play chess!
Tell me what happened to the ship! Where is the crew?

LEO CAESIUS
That does not com pute, G B W. Please re state the ques ti on.

GBW takes his hand off the comm button, looking completely baffled. He looks around the shuttle bay for a moment, and then walks out the door.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY-

GBW is seen walking warily down a hallway, which is dimly lit with emergency lighting. The camera shows him from the rear. As he moves along, a small shadowy figure is seen to dash across the hallway behind him. GBW whirls around, but there is nothing there. As he looks, another vaguely seen small figure dashes across the hallway behind him. He whirls around again, but there is nothing there. GBW swallows hard, with a slight look of fear, and continues walking down the hall. The camera switches to a rear view of him. As he walks away, a small shadowed figure is seen leaning out in the hallway to look at him.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY-

GBW is seen entering the room. He looks around the place, and walks over to a panel with a blinking red light. The label above it says “Main Power.” He opens the panel, looks at the breakers for a moment, and then flips a large master breaker.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

With a humming sound, the AH.COM lights up to normal running mode. Exterior lights come on all across the hull, and bright normal lighting is seen in the portholes.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY-

GBW looks up as the lights come on in the room. He grins and starts to walk away. He suddenly stops and listens. A low scraping sound of metal on metal is heard. GBW looks around, and realizes that the sound is coming from behind a console in the center of the room. He holds his book up and quietly walks over to the console.

The camera switches to a view from behind the console. GBW is seen suddenly jumping into view, pointing his revolver, and looking somewhat scared. However, the look of fear on his face suddenly changes to puzzlement.

GBW
Who are you?

The camera switches to his POV. A small brown haired boy is standing there, caught in the act of dragging an adamantium chainsaw across the floor. He looks up and drops the chainsaw with a guilty look, and puts his hands behind his back.

BOY
I’m sorry, mister, I know I’m not supposed ta play with chainsaws.
I won’t do it again, honest.

GBW
How did you get aboard? And just who…

A look of shock, horror, and surprise goes across his face.

GBW
Oh. My. God. DAVE?!

The camera switches back to the boy, and it is obvious that he is indeed DAVE HOWERY, but is now a 5 year old boy. GBW staggers back in shock. He turns around and does a double take. The camera switches to the door, where three more children are standing in wide eyed wonder. One is a small blonde girl, one is a brown haired boy in a long frock coat, and one is another brown haired boy with no pants.

GBW
YUPPIE. LANDSHARK. DIAMOND. Oh Jesus.

A sound of children arguing draws his attention back to the center of the room. He sees DAVE HOWERY tugging at the chainsaw against another boy, this one with black hair and brown skin.

GBW
PSYCHO…

DAVE HOWERY
Its mine! You can’t have it! It’s mine!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No fair! You had it a long time! I wanna play with it too!

DAVE HOWERY
No! Its mine! Leggo!

DAVE HOWERY tugs the chainsaw away from PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who immediately throws himself on the floor and starts crying and screaming and kicking. DAVE HOWERY pulls the chainsaw along the floor and then does a happy little dance.

DAVE HOWERY
Ha ha ha ha ha! I have the chainsaw and
you can’t have it! Nyah nyah nyah nyah!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN screams even louder and gets up off the floor, obviously intending to renew the struggle. The camera switches back to GBW, who is watching the whole thing rather dazedly. He shakes his head.xx

GBW
DAVE! PSYCHO! Both of you leave the chainsaw alone!
It’s dangerous. You might cut yourselves on it.

Both boys look sullen.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No fair! DAVE got to play with it for a long time! Why can’t I play with it?

GBW
Because I said…

With a loud pop, the console in the center of the room vanishes. GBW looks at the empty space with amazement. Another loud pop is heard, and he looks up to see that a round hole in the ceiling has suddenly appeared. Another loud pop is heard, and the missing console suddenly reappears in the far corner of the room, halfway off the floor… it falls to the ground with a crash. GBW looks on in confusion for a moment, and then realization hits him.

GBW
Oh shit!

The children all goggle and then laugh.

IRON YUPPIE
You said a bad word!

GBW ignores them and runs out of the room, pursued by the children who laugh and shriek behind him.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTER ROOM- DAY

GBW runs full tilt into the room and comes to a stop, eyes wide in surprise. The camera switches to his POV. A small Hawaiian boy is standing on the chair by the teleporter station. He is laughing and slapping his hands across the buttons, making the lights go off and on. Every so often, he pushes the teleporter lever up and down, making vrooming sounds as he does so.

GBW
G BONE! Get away from that console this instant!

G BONE looks up in surprise and then bursts into tears.

G BONE
You yelled at me! I want Momma!

GBW
I’m sorry, but you might hurt someone. That console
can do dangerous things, and little children shouldn’t play with it.

G BONE wipes his eyes, and hops down from the chair. He looks up at GBW with sad and contrite little eyes.

G BONE
I’m sorry, mister. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I was just playing, honest.
I just wanted to see the pretty lights go off and on.

GBW
(sighs)
That’s okay, G BONE. Just don’t do it again.

GBW turns around, and sees a crowd of children in the doorway, all goggling at him. It is nearly the entire crew of the ship, all reduced to five year old children. GBW looks over the crowd, and his gaze is drawn to a boy with curly black hair; he’s dragging an inflated love doll by the hair.

GBW
Oh geez.. Doc? Is that you?

The boy giggles.

DOCTOR WHAT
Golly, mister, I’m not a doctor.
I’m just a kid. But I like to play doctor.
(turns to IRON YUPPIE)
Hey, let’s play doctor!

GBW
Yep, that’s Bruno alright.

IRON YUPPIE’S face twists into anger. She doubles up her tiny fist and punches DOCTOR WHAT in the stomach.

IRON YUPPIE
You’re not the boss of me!
I’m the boss of you!
You’ll do what I say!

GBW
And that’s YUPPIE for sure. Oh Jesus, Allah, and Buddha.
Logic. Logic. There’s got to be some logical reason for all of this.

He puts his head in his hands as DOCTOR WHAT’S cries of woe are loudly heard. After a moment, he looks up, puts a finger in his mouth, and whistles loudly. The children all instantly fall quiet and look at him.

GBW
All right, children, let’s talk for a while.
Do any of you know how you got here?

The children all look at each other and shake their heads.

HENDRYK
I just woke up in that room with the big pretty telebision.
It had a moving picture of the whole planet on it.
That was neat!

MATT
I was there too! There was this big gun, so big I couldn’t even lift it.
But I don’t know where here is. Do you know where my mommy is, mister?

All of the children start clamoring with similar questions, asking for parents. GBW looks at the group dazedly for a moment, then looks sharply at DAVE HOWERY.

GBW
Everyone QUIET! DAVE, what did you say?

DAVE HOWERY
There was somebody’s mommy in the room where I woke up.
But she wasn’t mine. My mommy has blonde hair, and
this lady had brown hair. She cried a lot.

GBW looks shocked for a moment, and then looks over the group again.

GBW
DAVE, was this lady a grown up like me?
And did she have really long brown hair?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, she did! But she wasn’t my mommy, so I ran away from her.
(pauses)
She was a pretty lady.

The children all laugh at him.

WEAPON M
DAVID has a girlfriend! DAVID has a girlfriend!

DAVE HOWERY
You shut up! I do not!

GBW has a stunned look on his face.

GBW
KEIRA! She wasn’t changed! But… why? And where is she?

G BONE
Mister? What is your name?

GBW looks at the children, who are all looking wide eyed at him. He sighs.

GBW
I’m GBW, kids. And I’m going to take care
of you until I can find your parents.

DIAMOND
I’m hungry, mister GBW. Can we have lunch now?

The children all start clamoring for food.

GBW
Uh oh.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MESS HALL- DAY-

GBW is seen frantically making sandwiches and handing them out while the children all yell out requests.

DOCTOR WHAT
I want peanut butter and grape jelly!

DMA
I want Vegemite!

IRON YUPPIE
I want Nutella on mine!

FLOCCULENCIO
I have no curry. Will you make me some curry?

THANDE
My mum always cuts mine into triangles, and you’re cutting mine
into rectangles! I don’t want rectangles! I want triangles!

DOCTOR WHAT
I changed my mind! I want strawberry jam on mine!

GBW gets an exasperated look on his face, and looks at the children fiercely. They immediately quiet down and look at him with big sad eyes. GBW looks ashamed, and goes back to making sandwiches. The children all start clamoring again. GBW groans.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- LOUNGE- NIGHT-

The camera pans around the room, showing the children asleep on the various couches and recliners, or in sleeping bags on the floor. The camera pans to GBW, who is sitting in an easy chair in the center of the room, and it closes in on his face. His eyes are bloodshot, he needs a shave badly, his hair is mussed, and he has a look of sheer exhaustion. He is staring blankly at nothing in particular. Suddenly, voices are heard off camera.

MICHAEL
LANDSHARK went poopy!

LANDSHARK
Did not!

HENDRYK
Did too!

The children all wake up and start chanting ‘Poopy pants!” over and over. LANDSHARK is heard to start wailing and crying. GBW gets a look of despair on his face. He moans and puts his head in his hands.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT-

The door opens, and a pale and tired looking GBW walks into the room… and stops in surprise. KEIRA is standing in the middle of the room. She whirls around and stares at GBW for a moment. A long purple bruise is on the side of her head. She runs up to GBW, hugs him, and bursts into tears. He goggles at her a moment, hugs her back briefly and then gently pushes her away.

GBW
KEIRA! Where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach
you on the comm. What happened?

KEIRA
I don’t know what happened, other than that some foul sorcery has struck.
The ship shook and all the lights went out. When they came back on again,
I found that DAVE had been changed into a child! He did not know who
I was, and he ran from me. I tried to find him, but I fell and hit my head
somewhere on the lower quarters. I just came to a little while ago.

GBW
Sorcery? Let’s not jump to hysterical illogical
reasons for what’s happened here.

KEIRA
I’ve been searching the ship looking for the others, but
I found no one until you came in here. I even tried to
talk to the ghost who lives in the ship, but he makes no sense.

GBW
Ghost… oh, you mean LEO? He’s not a ghost…

KEIRA
Yes, DAVE has explained to me that he is a machine, built by men…
but what do you call something that can talk to you but you cannot see or touch?

GBW
Well… hmmm.
(grins)
LEO, the ghost in the machine…

KEIRA
Where is the rest of the crew? And have you seen DAVE anywhere?

GBW
(sighs)
Yes, they are all safe and in the lounge. And… all of them have been
changed into children, just like DAVE. LEO is offline for some reason too.

KEIRA looks stunned.

KEIRA
How could this happen? Can you change them back?

GBW
Me? No, I couldn’t even begin to do that.

KEIRA looks at him in grief. Her eyes well up, and a tear runs down her cheek.

GBW
Look, it’s not totally hopeless. I’m going to scan the planet below
and see if I can find some place that can help us. If we can get some
people who are skilled in genetics or bio-mechanics, they might be able to help.

KEIRA looks slightly mollified. GBW walks over to one of the consoles and pushes buttons on it. He looks at one of the monitors on the console, and moves some dials. Suddenly, his face goes slack with surprise. He looks up at KEIRA.

GBW
Oh dear God. The whole planet. Every adult. The same thing.
The whole population of the planet has been reduced to children.

KEIRA looks at him in wide eyed horror.

EXT- SAULT STE MARIE- NIGHT-

The camera shows a scene of the city at night. Fires are burning out of control, cars are crashed everywhere, and alarms are ringing all over. Small children are seen everywhere, running, crying, and calling for parents. An abandoned infant lies screaming in the middle of a street. The camera moves across the city and stops on a large building in the industrial section. It is huge and covered with a great metal dome. It is the only building that has normal lighting. A strange halo of crackling energy shimmers over the dome.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT- AH.COM SHIP- COMPUTER CORE- NIGHT-

GBW is seen working on an open panel on one of the many computer towers that are lined up in the room. KEIRA is holding a flashlight for him, with a worried look on her face.

KEIRA
Explain to me what you are doing again?

GBW
Well, we’re on our own. No one is going to help us fix this problem.
And if I’m going to do anything, I need LEO up and running. Whatever
happened to the ship also knocked out his AI system. Luckily, he has
a permanent duplicate backup memory that constantly updates itself.
So, if I can call up the backup files and put them on the main operating
system, he’ll reboot himself and be back to normal.

GBW looks at KEIRA, who looks back at him in total non-comprehension.

GBW
I’m going to wake him up. And… this should do it.

GBW snaps a final memory card into place, closes the panel, and flips the master switch on the console.

GBW
It’ll take just a minute for him to reboot. If we have to go
down to the planet, and I think we will, it’ll be handy to have
LEO along in his robot body to help.

KEIRA
That is something else I do not understand. How can a
ghost transfer his soul into a mechanical construction?

GBW
Well… LEO doesn’t actually have a soul…

LEO CAESIUS
As if any of you do either. If you do, they are probably
small and dirty little souls. Except for OTHNIEL, but sadly
he’s not here, Chasing after STRAHA and all… oh yeah, and
KEIRA, she’s got soul, good clean, delicious soul..Mmmmm..
(clears non existent throat)
But the rest of you… no way.

GBW
(grins)
Welcome back, LEO. How are you doing?

LEO CAESIUS
Fine… now. It’s about time you got around to fixing me.
And… wait. My scanners are showing that except for you
two, the crew is gone. And there are a bunch of children
in the corridor outside.

The two turn around as they hear cries of “It’s a ghost!” They look and see the children staring wide eyed up at the ceiling.

GBW
Nah, it’s not a ghost, it’s just LEO. Say hi to the young ‘uns, LEO.

LEO CAESIUS
Uh… boo?
(pause)
I suppose there is a really fascinating story behind all this?

The children are staring wide eyed at KEIRA.

GBW
Kids, this is KEIRA. She’s going to watch
over you and feed you breakfast.

KEIRA turns angrily to GBW.

KEIRA
Why do I have to be the nanny? I want to help you!

GBW
You can best do that by keeping them out of trouble.
I need to work with LEO for a while. Please, look
after them. We can’t let any of them get hurt.

KEIRA hesitates, and then nods. She shoos the children out of the room.

GBW
(sighs)
Okay, LEO, I’m going up to the control
room. I’ll fill you in on the way there.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

GBW walks into the room, talking to LEO as he enters.

GBW
So, do you think the ASBs flew by and did this?
It seems like something they would do.

LEO CAESIUS
No. They would have changed KEIRA too.
In fact, I think I know exactly what happened.

GBW
Really? Please enlighten me.

LEO CAESIUS
Right before I crashed, we were monitoring a huge energy wave
that swamped the entire planet, and washed out into space over
the ship… but apparently, it didn’t go too far, because you were
not affected. I was able to identify the energy signature.
(pause)
It was teleporter energy.

GBW looks on in surprise.

GBW
But… how would that… wait a minute…

LEO CAESIUS
Yes. Someone devised a huge teleporter wave generator and
programmed it to hit everyone on the planet at once… and it
got us too. As you know, the teleporter is basically a big atom
scrambler and re-assembler. Normally, they reassemble atoms
back the same way they were originally. But this one was pro-
grammed to read the genetic memory of each person and re-
assemble them… as five year old children.

GBW
Yes, that makes sense… KEIRA! She wasn’t affected! Because
she’s an artificially created woman… she has no genetic memory
of being a five year old! The energy wave couldn’t do anything to her.
(pause)
It all fits… logically.

GBW is deep in thought for a moment, then looks up in despair.

GBW
But… their genetic memory of all the years after
five has been lost! We can’t undo this damage.

LEO CAESIUS
Not necessarily. It would take a massive amount of computer power
to do all this… enough to scan and read the genetic codes of everyone
on the planet. That info will still likely be on the computers. If we
can get to it, we might be able to reprogram it and reverse the process.
(pause)
You know, whoever did this must be a Star Trek fan,
because they did the same thing in The Next…

GBW
Never mind, LEO. So, any idea where this facility might be?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes. The energy wave started in the city of Sault Ste. Marie. I am reading
a very large energy signal there now, coming from a single large industrial plant.

GBW thinks deeply for a moment.

GBW
LEO, prepare to load yourself down into your robot body.
I’m going to need you on this mission.

LEO CAESIUS
Woo hoo! An away mission for me… finally!
But… what about the children?

GBW
I have a plan. It’s not a nice one, but there’s not much choice.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MESS HALL- DAY-

We see KEIRA and GBW making juice drinks for the crowd of yelling children. They are standing in a line. KEIRA is pouring the drinks out of assorted bottles and hands them to GBW, who hands them to the children. However, he stops to put a couple of drops of green liquid from a vial into each drink.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, mister GBW, what’s that stuff you’re putting in?

GBW
Vitamins. They’re good for you.

THANDE
I don’t want any! Any time my mum says that something’s
good for me, it always tastes icky!

GBW
Well your mum don’t know everything!
Just drinkt he damn thing!

KIERA and the children look at GBW with wide eyed shock.

GBW
(sighing)
Sorry, my ability to deal with the irrationalities of children is beginning to wear thin.
Just drink up kids and we’ll play a fun game afterward.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- LOUNGE- DAY

The camera pans across the children, once again sleeping soundly in all available space. This time, they are completely quiet and still, except for their breathing. KEIRA walks into the room, carrying a fussing KIT.

KIT
No no no, put me down (yawn) , I don’t want you to hold me,
you (yawn) have boobies, I don’t like boobies…

His voice trails off as he falls asleep. KEIRA puts him under a blanket, and then stands up and looks at GBW unhappily.

KEIRA
I do not like this part of the plan.

GBW
Me neither. Slipping mickies to kids is… really distasteful. But there’s
not much else we can do. We don’t dare leave them on their own; they’ll
get into something and hurt themselves. This way, they’ll sleep for a couple
of days, which will give us time to fix this whole mess. With LEO gone,
the ship won’t function much anyway… barely have life support.

KEIRA still looks unhappy, but nods in agreement.

GBW
You know… I really do need your help on this mission,
but I won’t force you to go. Are you sure?

KEIRA looks down at DAVE HOWERY, sleeping on a sofa, and then back at GBW. She nods at him resolutely. GBW looks at her in wonder for a moment.

GBW
Wow. You really do like the guy, don’t you?

KEIRA hesitates for a moment, and then shrugs.

KEIRA
I cannot say why. I just do. He saved me from certain death
and has risked his life for me several times since.
I will do no less. Is that so hard to understand?

GBW gets a distant look in his eyes. He takes the photo out of his pocket and looks again at the couple smiling out of it. He puts it back in his pocket.

GBW
No. Not at all. Well, the kids are set. Now, we need to get prepared.
Go and get everything I put on your list and meet me in the shuttle bay.

KEIRA nods, smiles at him, and leaves the room. GBW sighs deeply.

GBW
Great. I’m off to assault the fortified compound of some insane engineer…
with a girl who thinks she’s a fantasy countess… and a robot who thinks
that comparing the origins of Mandaean from 12 different timelines is great
fun. Oh, this will go well.

He shakes his head, and leaves the room.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- SHUTTLE BAY- DAY-

GBW is seen prepping the MIYAGI shuttle for departure. He is wearing simple camo clothing, and has his revolver and a small electronics tool kit at his belt. He turns as the door opens, and KEIRA and LEO CAESIUS enter the room. KEIRA is wearing a flak jacket, jeans, and sturdy boots, and has DAVE HOWERY’S Bag of Holding tied to her belt. Her long hair is tied back in a ponytail. LEO CAESIUS is in the latest version of his robot body… a humanoid metallic figure that moves gracefully, but is obviously heavy. He has a BFG slung over his shoulder. GBW starts to say something, but stops when he notices that there is a gaping hole in LEO’S body, right where the groin would be.

GBW
LEO? What the hell is with that?
(points)

LEO CAESIUS shuffles his feet, looking amazingly as if he is embarrassed.

LEO CAESIUS
I… uh… well, KIT had some ‘special equipment’ installed there,
and I removed it. Trust me, you don’t want to know.
It was unbelievably tacky.

GBW looks mildly disgusted. KEIRA looks… intrigued.

GBW
Well… this is it. Everyone ready?

At their nods, GBW lowers the ramp of the shuttle. The trio enters the shuttle, and the ramp is raised again.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

The camera opens on a wide shot of the Earth over North America. The shuttle enters the scene, moving rapidly for the Great Lakes region.

EXT- SAULT STE MARIE- DAY-

The shuttle is seen parked on a wide street. The team is moving away from it. They stop and look at something in the distance.

The camera switches to their POV. The vast domed building is in front of them. The halo of charged energy is still in place above it. It looks forbidding and grim in the daylight. The team looks at the building for a moment, but they are distracted by a small boy who is running around in front of them. He has his arms out like an airplane and is making whooshing sounds as he runs. GBW grins at him.

GBW
Hey, kid, are you pretending to be an airplane?

HERMANUBIS
No, I’m playing superheroes. I’m SUPER 55! Vroooooom….

The kid runs away whooping loudly. The team continues to walk up the road towards the domed building, and are winding their way around dozens of crashed cars.

LEO CAESIUS
This has happened all over the world. Planes, cars, buses, boats.
The death toll on this world will be horrendous.

KEIRA
And all of the lost ones are children now. Pelor, look after their souls.

GBW
(low whisper)
Amen.

Anger washes over GBW’S face. He holds his revolver up and loudly cocks the hammer back.

GBW
Whoever this fucker is, he has a lot to answer for. Let’s go kick his ass.

KEIRA reaches into the Bag of Holding and draws out a pump shotgun. LEO takes the BFG off his shoulder and holds it at the ready. The camera switches to a rear shot of the team, as they walk towards the domed building.

EXT- TELEPORTER FACILITY-DAY-

The team stands outside the massive doors. They look around, but the building seems to have solid walls with no windows in sight.

GBW
Do you suppose they know we are here?

LEO CAESIUS
I’m not detecting any scanning devices or cameras.
But we must be cautious… it is likely that there are
traps or guards of some kind present.

GBW reaches out and tries the door handle… it is locked. KEIRA slings her shotgun over her shoulder and reaches into the Bag of Holding again. She pulls out one of DAVE HOWERY’S adamantium chainsaws. GBW watches in interest as the big machine comes out of the bag which looks to be much too small to hold it.

GBW
That is the neatest thing…

KEIRA grins at him. She fires up the chainsaw and cuts a neat hole in the wall around the lock. It falls to the ground with a loud metallic clank. She puts the chainsaw back into the bag, and readies her shotgun. GBW reaches out cautiously and pulls the door open. A long hallway is seen beyond the doorway. The team walks inside.

INT- TELEPORTER FACILITY- CORRIDOR- DAY

The three team members are seen walking down the hallway, side by side. They are looking around cautiously, but no one else is in sight.

GBW
LEO, detect anything?

LEO CAESIUS
There is only one person in the building,
somewhere ahead of us. It… is not a child!

GBW
That’s gotta be our guy. Let’s go get him.

The three walk forward softly down the hallway. The camera focuses on KEIRA, who is looking around warily. Suddenly, a loud click is heard, and she stops in surprise, and looks down at her feet. The camera switches to her right foot, which is on a floor panel that has sunken partway into the floor. The camera switches to a view in front of the group. A panel on the wall in front at the end of the hallway opens up, exposing several small holes with sharp needle pointed spikes sticking out of them.

The camera moves back to the team. LEO CAESIUS, moving inhumanly fast, pushes GBW down behind KEIRA and steps in front of both. The spikes shoot out of the wall; most of them hit LEO’S armored body and bounce away, but one gets past him; he catches it in mid-air. KEIRA is looking in shock at that spike, barely an inch from her nose.

LEO CAESIUS
Perhaps I should go first.

GBW and KEIRA look at each other with white scared faces, then both look at LEO and nod in agreement. The team sets off down the hallway again, with the two humans crowding behind the robot.

INT- TELEPORTER FACILITY- INNER CORRIDOR- DAY-

The crew is seen rounding another corner, and looking cautiously ahead. The hallway ahead of them runs far ahead and disappears around another corner, but about halfway down, there are a set of large and important looking doors. GBW gives LEO CAESIUS a questioning look.

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, that is our destination. The human is in the room beyond that door.

The team walks out into the hallway, moving over in front of the doors. GBW starts to reach for the door handle, but stops and looks around in puzzlement. A set of loud metallic footsteps can be heard in the distance ahead of them. The camera focuses on that corner. A monstrous mechanical creature walks into view. It looks something like a tremendous stag beetle, with a rounded oval body held up by six jointed legs, a ‘head’ on the front with dozens of sensors, and a pair of long pincers with saw toothed edges. It turns its ‘head’ towards the team, and quickly walks towards them. It spreads its pincers and gives out a mechanical screech.

The camera switches back to the team, who are looking at the mech with wide eyes.

GBW
(muttering)
Okay, bugs. I can deal with bugs.
Big metallic screeching bugs…

The mechanical beetle charges forward and the team scatters. The beetle tries to grab LEO with its pincers, but he catches one in each hand and holds them tight. The beetle stomps around and shakes its ‘head’ violently.

LEO CAESIUS
A little help here…

GBW empties his revolver into the beetle, but the bullets don’t penetrate. The blast of KEIRA’S shotgun is heard off camera, but it is just as ineffective. With a last swing of its head, LEO is flung loose from the beetle; he flies down the hallway and slams into the opposite wall, putting a dent into it. The beetle then turns on GBW, hissing in what sounds like rage. GBW hastily scrambles backwards, hits the wall, and trips; luckily, since the beetle then misses him as it strikes at him with its pincers. As he scrambles on the floor to get out of the way, the beetle suddenly looms over him.

The roar of a chainsaw is heard off screen. The camera switches to KEIRA, who has the adamantium chainsaw out. She slashes at one of the joints on the back leg and cuts it in two. The beetle collapses, but struggles back onto its other five legs. GBW uses the opportunity to get out of the way. KEIRA dodges back into the fight and slams the chainsaw against the underside of the body, trying to hit the joints of the two middle legs.

GBW
That a girl, work the groin!

The beetle whirls on KEIRA, who gasps and tries to back up. She trips over the severed leg, and falls flat on her back. The beetle moves towards her. GBW runs up behind it and jumps up onto its back. He crawls up to the ‘head’ and grabs hold of two of the antennas on it. The beetle shakes its head, but keeps moving towards KEIRA. Then it suddenly stops, struggling to move forward, but not doing so.

The camera switches to the rear of the beetle. LEO CAESIUS has grabbed the remaining back leg, and is holding the beetle in place. It screams in mechanical rage, and tries to shake GBW off. He holds on tight and yells in fear and anger.

KEIRA
Here! Catch!

GBW looks at her, just as she tosses the chainsaw up to him. He catches it with one hand… barely. He swings it up high and brings it crashing down on the head of the beetle. The toothed blade cleaves the head nearly in half. Sparks fly out of the rent metal, and the mechanical monster freezes into place. GBW collapses with relief.

KEIRA
Wow! What a monster! The slaying of
this beast will be a tale for all time!

GBW is still collapsed face down on the beetle, but he holds a hand up with the ‘thumbs up’ gesture.

GBW
I’d rather keep the heroic antics to a minimum.
And leave it to those that prefer it..
(groans)

KEIRA
We must move on. The foul sorcerer behind all
this tragedy awaits us beyond the door.

GBW moves just enough to raise his head and look at her with a weary gaze.

GBW
Just waiting for my heart to start beating again.

LEO CAESIUS walks up next to the beetle.

LEO CAESIUS
Come on, hero.

He reaches up and pulls GBW off of the beetle. He yelps in surprise and hits the floor with a thud. Groaning, he stands up and looks at LEO resentfully.

GBW
Ouch. Quit manhandling me.

LEO CAESIUS
Well, if we finish the job here, you’ll have a great story to impress the ladies
back at the Hub. They won’t be impressed though, if you wimp out now.

GBW
Yeah the women will all be impressed.
(thoughtful look)
Hey, they might be.
(realization sets in)
No. No they won’t.
(sighs)
Let’s just save the world, okay?

LEO CAESIUS
I’ve been checking out this room. It’s huge; the teleporter device is in there.
The room is soundproof, air tight, and magnetically sealed. It has to be to
house the device. Whoever it is, they won’t know we’re coming.

GBW takes out his revolver and reloads it. KEIRA has retrieved her shotgun, and LEO CAESIUS readies the BFG. The team moves to the doors. GBW reaches out and silently pushes them open.

GBW
Well if Weapon M and Matt make it look easy.
How hard can assaulting a sealed and fortified place be?

INT- TELEPORTER FACILITY- GENERATOR ROOM- DAY-

The team is seen walking quietly into the room, weapons at the ready. They stop, and look around in wonder.

The camera switches to their POV. The room is enormous, with a high domed ceiling. The center of the room is dominated by a huge cylindrical device with a globe of metal on top; this is the teleport energy generator. The camera pans to the side of the room. A large monitor is hung on the wall there. A teenage boy, his back to the camera, is standing at a console in front of the monitor. He is watching the scenes on it. They are scenes of tragedies around the world; airplane crashes, buses overturned, buildings on fire, and no one but children in sight. Every time the monitor shows a new scene of destruction, the teenager jumps up and down, claps his hands, and says ‘Oooooh’!
The camera switches back to the team. GBW looks angry.

GBW
I should have known!

At these words, the teenager spins around to face them. It is… a LUAKEL clone. He looks wide eyed at the intruders. The camera switches back to the team; now, KEIRA looks infuriated.

KEIRA
LUAKEL! That little reprobate! He peeks at me when I am in the shower!
He’s as bad as THANDE!

GBW
This isn’t our LUAKEL, just another clone.

KEIRA
Yes, I know, but they are all perverts.

GBW
Now, that’s…. completely true.

The camera switches back to the LUAKEL. He runs frantically around the room, but the door the team is standing in front of is the only exit. He runs back over by the monitor, rubbing his hands together in fear, and babbles incoherently.

KEIRA
Why did he do this? Why are all of them so destructive?

GBW
There’s lots of theories on that. Some say they are all brain damaged.
Some say they are mentally programmed for some higher purpose.
I think it’s just because they are all teenagers. Which is the same t
hing as being brain damaged, when you think about it.

The camera switches to the LUAKEL clone, who looks angry.

LUAKEL CLONE
Your puny brains will never understand the Great Plan!
You are not LUAKEL! You are nothing!

The camera switches back to the team. They all look at each other blankly for a moment. Then, all three level their weapons and fire. Over and over and over.

The camera switches to the monitor, with a scene of a burning building on it. From off camera, a thick jet of blood splashes onto it.

The camera switches to the team. They raise their smoking weapons. GBW looks oddly amused, and KEIRA looks faintly ill. The team moves forward into the room, and looks around at the various computer consoles. LEO CAESIUS stops in front of one of them.

LEO CAESIUS
This is what we’re looking for.

He moves to the keyboard, and starts typing on it, moving fingers faster than any human could possibly do. He looks at the monitor for a moment.

LEO CAESIUS
We’re in luck. All the data is still in here.
We can reverse the process.
I just need to reprogram the generator.

His fingers begin flying over the keyboard again.

The camera switches to GBW and KEIRA. She is looking on anxiously, and looks over to GBW, who smiles confidently at her.

GBW
Don’t worry; LEO is the best at this. Well, you’d expect that,
I suppose, him being a computer himself.
But DAVE will be all right.

KEIRA smiles gratefully at him, but still looks worried.

LEO CAESIUS
Everything is ready. Here goes nothing.

He pushes one final button on the keyboard. The cylindrical generator in the center of the room hums into life, and slowly begins spinning. As it moves faster and faster, a cloud of sparkling energy starts to appear around the dome at the top.

EXT- SPACE- DAY

The camera shows the AH.COM, looking tiny if front of the Earth. The web of energy is seen moving around the world, and then it washes out and envelopes the ship for a moment; then, the energy vanishes.

EXT- TELEPORTER FACILITY- DAY-

The team is seen walking out of the building. They look around at the world outside.
The camera pans across the city. People are seen staggering around everywhere; people of all ages again, not just children. Some are looking around at each other in surprise, and some are looking at the MIYAGI shuttle in wonder.

GBW
Man, how are we going to explain all this to the people on this timeline?

LEO CAESIUS
There’s only one way. Ready or not, this
timeline is going to get first contact.

GBW takes in a deep breath, and smiles. He turns to face the others.

GBW
Well, that will be a problem for the captain to handle.
We did our part, and then some.
(pause)
Hey, we saved the day.

They give a little cheer.

KEIRA
Let’s go home.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- SHUTTLE BAY- DAY

The camera shows the MIYAGI sitting in the bay. Most of the crew, now back to being adults, is in the bay. The ramp lowers, and the team walks down it. KEIRA is barely half way down when she sees DAVE HOWERY running up to meet her. She squeals in happiness and runs to him, catching him in a fierce hug. GBW sees the rest of the crew and smiles widely. The rest of the crew moves up to greet GBW and LEO. WEAPON M slaps LEO on the back, and then shakes his hand in pain. DOCTOR WHAT looks at GBW with a wan smile.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not sure of just what happened, but
it sounds like you three had a hell of a day.

GBW
You could say that. So, what do you remember?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not much. The last thing I do remember is that blinding pain in my head.
And then, nothing until I woke up in the lounge, stuffed together with all
the crew. Man, that led to some ugly scenes.

GBW
So…you don’t remember YUPPIE tying you up
and making you kiss her shoes?

A look of disbelief goes across DOCTOR WHAT’S face.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? No! That didn’t really happen, did it?

GBW grins and walks away, with DOCTOR WHAT following him and asking questions.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S READY ROOM- NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in his chair behind his desk, while GBW sits in another chair in front. DOCTOR WHAT leans back and stretches his arms.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wow. That is one hell of a story. And I remember next
to nothing about any of it. To think the fate of this whole
timeline came down to you, a girl, and a computer…

GBW
Yeah, it’s been a surreal day all around. So, what’ll happen to this planet now?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, GREY and I contacted the most important world leaders and
did a quick and dirty first contact. They were rather shocked, as you
might imagine. When we leave here, I’m taking the ship to the Ephorian
Prime timeline… they’re pretty good at dealing with first contact worlds
and integrating them into the wider multiverse. They’ve already dealt
with several timelines hit hard by LUAKEL clones. Still, this world has
certainly suffered, and it’ll take some time to get it back on its feet.

GBW nods at this. DOCTOR WHAT looks at GBW with concern.

DOCTOR WHAT
With everything that has been going on, I almost forgot about what day it was,
and why you were off the ship in the first place. How are you?

GBW stares away for a moment, and then smiles.

GBW
Not bad at all. Okay, even. With all the excitement, I sorta forgot about her.
Hell, we’ve all left someone behind when we signed up for this ship. I need
to stop freaking out about my own circumstances on every anniversary.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiles)
Glad to hear you say that.

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MAINTENANCE SHAFT- NIGHT

The camera opens on a scene showing a narrow dimly lit corridor with pipes and conduits running along the ceiling. LUAKEL tiptoes into the camera scene, looking around cautiously. He silently moves towards a wall, kneels down, and again, looks around nervously. He pulls a round plug out of the wall. Steam comes out of the hole, and a running shower can be heard off camera, apparently behind the wall; KEIRA can be heard humming to herself beyond the wall as well, apparently taking a shower. LUAKEL leans down and puts his eye to the hole. He stays there quietly for a moment, grinning. Suddenly, a look of shock and horror goes across his face. He screams in pain and covers his eyes with his hands. He writhes away from the peephole, gasping in agony. DAVE HOWERY can be heard speaking off camera, also behind the wall.

DAVE HOWERY
Hi honey, I thought I’d join you.

LUAKEL crawls away from the wall, eyes squeezed shut tightly.

LUAKEL
Must… get… forks.
(begins retching)

INT- AH.COM SHIP- GBW’S QUARTERS- NIGHT

GBW is seen sitting on his bed. He yawns, and stands up. He stares at the wall for a moment. He takes the picture out of his pocket and looks at the happy couple in it one last time. He walks over to his desk, opens a drawer, puts the photo inside, shuts the drawer, and walks off camera.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“LUAKELS OF THE WASTELAND – PART 02”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY & DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

INT- AH.COM SHIP- BATTLE ROOM- EVENING-

Most of the crew and the Sandkats are gathered in this large room. The AH.COM crew seem to be fairly shaken, as they are pale and sweating.

LANDSHARK
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…

MATT
The horror… the sheer damn bloody awful horror…

LANDSHARK
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…

G BONE
How could anyone do this? How could they?

LANDSHARK
Oh my God, oh my God, oh….ow!!

LANDSHARK quiets as IRONYUPPIE slaps the back of his head.

THANDE
A planet of…. LUAKELS?!?!

Subdued whimpers are heard from several of the crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, it’s a scary thought. But really, is it any more
weird than some of the other timelines we’ve….

His gaze falls on DIAMOND; SLINKY is standing near him, and running a finger possessively along his arm. DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh never mind. This is just the weird cap on a totally weird day.
Well… we need a plan. If we’re going to get off this planet, we
need spare parts and raw materials to do the repairs. All we need
lies about ten miles from here. We need to get there, get a load
of supplies, and get them back here. I need ideas, people.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, there’s about a dozen vehicles the Snakes left behind that
are in good enough shape to use. That would get a party there.
But they’re not big enough to haul back a load of what we need.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we’re going to have to go on a wing and a prayer on this one.
We’ll take the buggies there and hope that there is something in the
ruins that we can use to haul the supplies back here.
Okay, let’s put a team together.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around at the gathered crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re going to need firepower on this little trip.
So, MATT, WEAPON M, IRONYUPPIE, and
DMA will go. DIAMOND, you go along in case
anyone needs to be patched up. PSYCHOMELTDOWN,
get a list from DAVE of what you need; you’re
coming too. Hmmm…. LUAKEL. Think any of
the Sandkats will go along if you ask them?

LUAKEL
Sure. But I’ll have to go too.

BUBBA
Me go. WALKER go too. SLINKY go. BO/JO go. PARSON
go back to Sandkat Cave. Bring whole tribe here. Bring weapons
and supplies. SPIDER stay here, help fix ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, what he said. All right, everyone… get your
gear together, get your weapons checked out, and
grab some sleep. We head out at first light.

EXT- AH.COM SHIP- DAWN

The camera shows a far view of the ship. The sun is coming up over the horizon, vast pale yellow through a haze of dust.

The camera switches to a view near the airlock door. DOCTOR WHAT and his team are standing by the salvaged bikes and dune buggies, preparing to leave. The AH.COMMERS are heavily armed, and the Sandkats are carrying salvaged Snake crossbows. DOCTOR WHAT is talking to HENDRYK and DAVE HOWERY, while SPIDER stands nearby.

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t get too slack while you’re waiting for us. Have LEO keep a
sharp eye out for those Snakes… I don’t think they’ve given up on
us yet. DAVE, do whatever repairs you can do now, and get ready
for our return. And everybody needs to be armed at all times,
even if it’s just a pistol.

HENDRYK
We shall not fail you, oh He Who Died And Gloriously Returned!

HENDRYK’S face shines with the pure belief in his eyes. DAVE HOWERY has an unusual (for him) look of concern on his face. DOCTOR WHAT notices and raises an eyebrow.

DOCTOR WHAT
Worried about us? I’m touched.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, you are going off to some unknown ruined city inhabited by God knows what.
Not to mention, if you fail, the rest of us will be stuck here forever. No pressure though.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, no pressure at all. Well… we better take off. If everything
goes well, we’ll see you tonight or tomorrow morning. Have
LEO keep an eye out for our return.

DAVE HOWERY
Good luck, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT nods, and then throws a leg over a motorcycle. The rest of the team climb onto the assortment of bikes and buggies. DIAMOND climbs onto a big Harley motorcycle. SLINKY sidles onto the seat behind him, puts her arms around him, and lays her cheek contendly on his back. The rest of the AH.COMMERS laugh and start whistling “Behind Closed Doors.” DIAMOND looks uncomfortable for a moment, and then grins ruefully. With a roar, the team starts up their motley vehicles. One by one, they move out over the sands. The camera switches to the three staying behind. SPIDER waves his four hands at the figures growing smaller in the distance. DAVE HOWERY notices.

DAVE HOWERY
Worried about your people?

SPIDER
Yeah.

DAVE HOWERY
Me too.

They watch as the vehicles disappear into the distance.

EXT- OUTSIDE THE RUINS- DAY-

The camera angle is at the bottom of a ridge of sand, looking up at the crest of it. Several motor sounds are heard, and a dune buggy stops at the top of the ridge. MATT and WALKER get out of it. They walk up to the edge of the ridge, looking down at something off camera. More vehicles come into sight, all stopping at the ridge. DOCTOR WHAT gets off his motorcycle and walks over by MATT. He looks down, and a look of surprise goes across his face.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy cow!

MATT
This looks promising. We might just make it off this rock after all.

The camera switches to their POV. It shows a wide panoramic shot of a ruined city below them. Huge mountains of sand stand all around it, but the city itself seems to be free of it. However, the buildings are mostly rubble, although there are a few still standing in various states of collapse. At the far edge of the city, a compound of large warehouse-like buildings stands intact. A tall chainlink fence surrounds the compound. Nothing can be seen moving in the ruins. The camera switches back to the team.

DOCTOR WHAT
That compound looks promising. It looks intact… even the fence
is in good shape. Hmmm… do you suppose the Snakes come here
for all their stuff? I’d hate to run into them here.

WALKER
No. The Snakes don’t live here. Another tribe holds this place and
makes deals with the tribes out on the wastes. We’ve never been
able to contact them… anyone we send here never comes back.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we have LUAKEL with us. He can probably smooth
the way. Finally, the kid is doing something useful.

LUAKEL
I heard that!

DOCTOR WHAT
All right, let’s drive down this ridge. But be careful…
don’t want to go tumbling down the slope.

EXT- THE RUINS- DAY-

The teams’ vehicles are seen driving down one of the streets at the edge of town. Finally, they are forced to stop by piles of rubble choking the streets. The team dismounts and starts walking down the ruins; all are armed and wary.
The camera focuses on WEAPON M, who is walking next to DOCTOR WHAT. He looks right at something off camera. A look of astonishment goes across his face, and he stops walking. DOCTOR WHAT notices, and looks in the same direction. He also looks stunned for a moment, and then he laughs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why am I not surprised…

The camera switches to their POV. The ruins of a strip mall are seen. Although the buildings have long since collapsed, the entrance sign at what used to be the parking lot is still intact. It reads “Welcome to the Sault Ste. Marie Shopping Center.”

EXT. – LARGE ABANDONED COMPOUND – DAY

We see the ah.commers and Sandkats making their way across a sand and debris-choked compound towards a collection of warehouse-like buildings. They come to a stop before a massive heavily reinforced metal door, easily forty feet across and twenty feet high.

DOCTOR WHAT
MATT. WEAPON M. You think you can do something about this?

INT. – LONG DARK CORRIDOR- NIGHT

We see the massive heavily reinforced metal door at the far end. It suddenly explodes, sending debris and flames towards the camera. A few seconds later we see the ah.commers and Sandkats walk in, illuminated from behind by bright sunlight.

MATT
I LOVE doing that!

WEAPON M
Nothing like the smell of Cordite in the morning!

We see DOCTOR WHAT come in behind them, a slightly confused look on his face.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—the door was open. All you had to do was lift it up, guys.

MATT
(confused look)
Open a door—without using explosives?

WEAPON M
(confused look)
Is that possible?

MATT
(pondering look)
Well—theoretically, I suppose it COULD be possible…

DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes and walks past them, muttering a very quiet ‘Marone’ under his breath. The rest of the ah.commers and Sandkats follow.

INT. – DARK CORRIDOR – NIGHT

The corridor here is smaller than the one where they entered—more like large office corridors rather than warehouse corridors. We see debris, sand and cobwebs everywhere.

MATT, WEAPON M and WALKER are at point. BUBBA, DMA and IRONYUPPIE are at the rear. The rest of the ah.commers and Sandkats are in the middle.

As the group turns a corner in the corridor, we see—for just a quick instant—a small figure scuttle by behind them.

INT. – DARK CORRIDOR – NIGHT

CLOSE-UP: Scanner device showing a very faint schematic of the building.

PULL-OUT: We see DOCTOR WHAT looking at the scanner.

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s a lot of weird metal or something around this place—scanner
is having a lot of trouble cutting through all the interference– but I think
that there’s a big room coming up soon.

MATT
Any signs of movement?

DOCTOR WHAT
No—but the scanner is acting all wonky so I can’t be sure.

WEAPON M
Stay frosty everyone.

TIGHT ON: Ah.commers and Sandkats suddenly looking in disbelief.

Camera swings around to show:

An immensely huge darkened room, easily the size of a football field, if not more. The beams from the ah.commer’s flashlights disappear into the gloom, so we can barely see the far end of the room.

We see along one side a long factory conveyor belt stretching out and disappearing into the darkness. Numerous industrial robotic arms –like the kind that make cars or are involved in heavy duty wielding – can be seen all along the conveyor belt. Several large pieces of machinery the size of small houses—their purpose unknown—lie scattered here and there in the middle of the room. Along the other side can be seen computer workstations with numerous boxes and crates stored next to or underneath the workstations. We can see several corridors branching out from the room, disappearing into the darkness.

Dust and debris covers everything.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ooooh weeeeee! We hit the motherload boys!
I’m gonna have me some fun!
(begins buckling pants)

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it, Psycho! Save the shit for later!

LUAKEL
Looting causes the same reaction in Psycho
as a field full of sheep does for DMA.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright people! PSYCHO, LUAKEL, DMA–start going over
the list of stuff we need! Yuppie-come with me-I’m going to
need your help with the emergency generator in this place.
Everyone else—spread out and check out the rest of the room.
Everyone partner up.

MATT and WEAPON M go off in one direction. DIAMOND and SLINKY go off together in another. BUBBA, WALKER and BO/JO go off in a third.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, LUAKEL and DMA are running around, opening boxes and crates, examining machines and workstations and referencing various sheets of paper they have in their hands, making tick marks on their sheets every now and then.

DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE walk towards a large generator sitting in one corner.

In the corridor that they all walked out from—we see a figure, shrouded in darkness, look at them for a few seconds then scuttle off.

INT. – LARGE ROOM- NIGHT

We see IRONYUPPIE and DOCTOR WHAT working on a large generator. DOCTOR WHAT appears to be hooking up IRONYUPPIE’s electric yo-yo to something in the generator. Grinning maniacally, DOCTOR WHAT stands up, humming the first few notes of the ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ theme song, and with an exaggerated theatrical wave of his arms he flicks a switch and—

–nothing happens.

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling evilly)
That’s okay Doc—lots of guys have that problem. I hear
that there’s a little blue pill that can help with that….

DOCTOR WHAT
Har har.
(looking at the generator)
Not sure what’s wrong—this has never happened to me before….
(beat)
Look Yuppie—if you keep giggling like that,
you’re going to pass out from lack of oxygen….

INT. –LARGE ROOM- DIFFERENT PART- NIGHT

We see MATT and WEAPON M appear at the entrance to an open doorway. They walk in.

INT. –LARGE ROOM- ANOTHER DIFFERENT PART- NIGHT

We see SLINKY and DIAMOND walk towards an open doorway. After a moment’s hesitation they walk in.

INT. –LARGE ROOM- YET ANOTHER DIFFERENT PART- NIGHT

We see BUBBA, WALKER and BO/JO walking towards the far end of the darkened room.

INT. – LARGE ROOM- NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE still working on the generator. DOCTOR WHAT makes a few more adjustments to some wiring on the generator and flicks a switch.

PULL OUT-

We see the entire room light up as fluorescent lights on the ceiling turn on. We now have a better view of the room. BUBBA, WALKER and BO/JO look up in amazement and shock at the lights and mutter a few words between them.

INT. –CORRIDOR- NIGHT

We see MATT and WEAPON M glance behind them as the lights in the large room light up, casting some illumination into the corridor. They turn back and face the camera’s direction—and gape open-jawed in shock.

INT. –ANOTHER CORRIDOR- NIGHT

We see SLINKY and DIAMOND glance behind them as the lights in the large room light up. They, too, turn back and face the camera’s direction—only to have looks of amazement and shock appear on their faces as well.

INT. –LARGE ROOM – DAY

We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN, LUAKEL and DMA rummaging around various boxes. They glance up as they see DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE appear.

DOCTOR WHAT
How does it look?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(glancing at some sheets of paper in his hands)
Looks pretty good so far. Still have to double check on a few things
but it looks like we got pretty much everything on Dave’s list.

IRONYUPPIE
So we can actually get off this stupid rock?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nodding head)
Uh-huh—as soon as we can figure out
a way to lug all this stuff back to the ship.

MATT
(o.v.)
Guys! Get over here! Me and WEAPON M found something!

We see the ah.commers rush off.

INT. –CORRIDOR- NIGHT

We see the ah.commers rush in—and stop. They are staring at something off camera with looks of amazement and bemusement.

Camera swings around to show—

A large garage with a corridor leading off into darkness. A few rusted and decrepit cars and pick-up trucks are lying in heaps here and there.

Directly in front of the ah.commers -

MATT and WEAPON M standing in front of a huge vehicle. It appears to be a giant semi-truck that has been heavily modified. Instead of wheels, it has four sets of wide tracks like a tank. The trailer is a very long and wide open unit designed to haul large pallets of cargo.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smirking)
Well—THAT’s convenient.

LUAKEL
Does it work?

MATT
Engine is a bit of a mess but Lee and I can probably make
some kind of half-assed repair job on it using parts from all these
other junked cars if we work on it for a few hours. It probably won’t
last for more than a day or two but that should be more than enough
time to get us back to the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Does it have fuel?

WEAPON M
(smiling)
Practically a full tank!

DOCTOR WHAT
(Mister Burns impression)
Ex-cellent!
(beat)
Ok guys—get busy and get this thing working asap!
The rest of you guys—start helping me load—

DIAMOND
(o.v.)
Hey guys! Over here! You gotta see this!

LUAKEL
Whoa—déjà vu.

DOCTOR WHAT
Shall we?

They all rush off.

INT. – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – NIGHT

We see the ah.commers walk in. They are joined by WALKER, BUBBA and BO/JO. They all walk in—and stop, looks of disbelief and confusion on their faces.

Camera swings around to show—

DIAMOND and SLINKY standing in front of a huge hydroponic grow room, filled with plants of every variety from herbs to vegetables.

WALKER
(awestruck voice)
The Promised Land….

BUBBA
(nodding head)
BUBBA like….

BO/JO looks at the plants

RIGHT HEAD
I want to eat some broccoli

LEFT HEAD
No you don’t, it gives us gas.

RIGHT HEAD
It does?

LEFT HEAD
Yes.

RIGHT HEAD
Still want to eat some.

LEFT HEAD
Are you retarded?

RIGHT HEAD
Why are you always insulting me? I have feelings too, you know!

LEFT HEAD
Yak, yak, yak….

RIGHT HEAD
You know—you have a lot of anger issues. Anger is nothing more
than a cover for hurt, frustration or fear — or all three. If you are
experiencing uncontrollable rage, you have unfulfilled needs that
should be addressed. Maybe you need to forgive yourself for the
way you’ve behaved while angry. Perhaps you need to forgive
others for their actions. Remember the three R’s – Reframe, relax
and react rationally.

LEFT HEAD
I’m going to reframe you if you don’t shut up!

RIGHT HEAD
Bite me!

LEFT HEAD
Why you little-

They start choking each other with their hands. BUBBA rolls his eyes and smacks the two of them in the back of the heads with his fist, knocking them down.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
This is perfect! We got wheels, we got the stuff we need and
we even have some fresh food! Ok people—we’ve got work to do!

WEAPON M
Dude. Eating green shit ain’t fresh food.

BUBBA
I got some Luakel Jerky if you want some.

WEAPON M
(beat)
We’ll talk later.

MONTAGE

We see MATT and WEAPON M making repairs to the semi.

We see DIAMOND, DMA, LUAKEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and DOCTOR WHAT collecting supplies, sorting them and placing them into various piles.

SLINKY, BUBBA, WALKER, BO/JO and IRONYUPPIE are collecting fruits and vegetables or keeping watch over everyone.

We see LUAKEL carrying a pile of circuit boards when he suddenly does a doubletake at something offscreen and stops. He motions at the others and looks back at something offscreen.

The camera follows his view.

INT. –LARGE ROOM – DAY

We see at the far side of the chamber—a figure dressed in monk-like robes. A hood partially conceals his face but we can see that the figure bears a resemblance to LUAKEL—aside from the glowing red eyes and large bony spikes that appear along his jawline.

FIGURE
(staring at LUAKEL)
Are you…are you…undeformed?

LUAKEL
(smirking)
Relax guys—I’ll handle this.

He steps forward.

LUAKEL
I am The One. The Perfect LUAKEL.

FIGURE suddenly hisses and backs away.

FIGURE
(screaming)
He admits it! The Great Deceiver admits that he is him!
He will bring Doom upon us all! Get him my minions!

Suddenly over two dozen figures—all deformed LUAKELS and all wearing the same monk-like robes—shimmy down from the ceiling! Two of the figures grab LUAKEL’s arms while a third clubs him over the head. They drag him off while the others attack the ah.commers and Sandkats.

Mass confusion and chaos reigns.

BUBBA knocks one of the minions out with a punch to the face but is immediately jumped from behind by another. The two of them stagger around the room, knocking over boxes and supplies everywhere. Another minion launches himself at DIAMOND, knocking him to the ground. BO/JO is waving a large metal pipe at three minions, keeping them at bay. SLINKY is ferociously attacking a deformed LUAKEL who looks vaguely like a large bear. It appears to be an even match. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DOCTOR WHAT are running down the corridor that leads to the garage, several LUAKEL clones screaming behind them. WALKER is calmly having a knife fight with a screaming LUAKEL clone who has three arms and a shark fin on his head. DMA and IRONYUPPIE are clubbing LUAKEL clones mercilessly.

FIGURE
(screaming)
Retreat my minions! We got what we came for!

The FIGURE turns and runs down the corridor, followed a few seconds later by the rest of the minions dragging or carrying their fallen comrades with them. In a matter of seconds, they’re gone.

DOCTOR WHAT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MATT and WEAPON M (both carrying BFGs) run out of the corridor and stare in confusion at the chaos.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright people! Call out!

The ah.commers and Sandkats one by one shout out their names. All appear to be alive and present except for –

DOCTOR WHAT
LUAKEL! DIAMOND!
(beat)
What the hell happened to them?

WALKER steps forward.

WALKER
It is as I feared. They were captured by the tribe
that lives here. They have been captured by…
(beat)
The Morlocks!

INT- THE CHAMBER OF THE RELIC- DAY

The camera opens on a view of LUAKEL and DIAMOND standing next to each other, with bags over their heads. A hand from off camera reaches out and pulls the bags off. The two men blink in the light and look around.

The camera switches to their POV. They see the LUAKEL with the red eyes and jaw spikes standing in front of a large stone block which has ghastly red stains on it. The LUAKEL is looking at them with fanatic hatred.

THE BISHOP
The day has come! As it was foretold by our ancestors
since the time of the Great Banishment. Hearken now
to the words of the first LUAKEL Morlock!

A fervent shout rises off camera. LUAKEL and DIAMOND turn around to see a crowd of Morlocks, well over 30 of them, standing behind them. They are gazing at THE BISHOP with devotion. The camera switches back to THE BISHOP.

THE BISHOP
“And in the end of days, the Great One will appear to lead us into
the land beyond death. And thou shalt know him by the ultimate
deformity of his face and body, which shall be the greatest known
to all of the planet. But before that blessed day, thou must bear the
iniquity of the Great Deceiver, the enemy of the Great One. He shall
appear to be a LUAKEL but without defect. His twisted words will
tempt you, but do not be deceived! When he appears, thou must make
sacrifice of him and all with him. For only with his death shall the
Great One appear. And this shall be the end of time and the remaking of the world.”

THE BISHOP lowers his arms and points at LUAKEL.

THE BISHOP
And behold!  He has appeared!  Now,
our destiny is at hand.  Now, we must
sacrifice the Great Deceiver to the relic
of our Great One!

THE BISHOP turns and raises his arms towards something off camera. The camera switches back to LUAKEL and DIAMOND. They follow the gaze of THE BISHOP, and their eyes go up.. and up.. and up. A look of astonishment goes across their faces.

INT- LARGE ROOM- DAY

The rest of the party are in here making plans. The Sandkats seem to be distraught at the loss of LUAKEL. SLINKY is sitting down, arms around her knees, and rocking back and forth in grief.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it, this is the last thing we need. We’re going to have to
spend the time to rescue those two, and then get this big rig
ready to roll. No way am I leaving anyone behind on this world…
not even LUAKEL.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it!

BUBBA
Must rescue LUAKEL. He Chosen One.

SLINKY leaps to her feet and draws a crude knife.

SLINKY
And DIAMOND! He must be saved!

MATT and WEAPON M, out of her range of sight, grin at each other, and DOCTOR WHAT is obviously suppressing a smile.

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course. Both of them.

MATT
But how do we find them? This place is huge.

DOCTOR WHAT hesitates, and then takes out his scanner. He turns it on, and then punches some buttons on it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I can’t tell exactly where they are, and I’m still getting
interference from the structure. But… the life signs I do detect
are all in one direction; straight to the northwest. Let’s head
in that direction, and we’re bound to run into them.

He looks up at his team; all are armed and ready to go.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay… let’s roll.

The group walks out of the room.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

The camera shows DAVE HOWERY tightening a bolt on the shift engines. He finishes and looks around. The camera shifts to his POV, and we see SPIDER working on a delicate piece of equipment with all four hands, two holding the case, and the other two holding a small clamp and a screwdriver. He finishes, and quickly puts the item back together and lays it on the workbench.

SPIDER
All done. What’s next?

DAVE HOWERY
Actually… that’s it. That’s all we can do without more
spare parts and raw materials. There is literally nothing
else we can fix until the team gets back. If they get back.

SPIDER
(fervent gleam in eyes)
They will get back. And then the Chosen One shall lead us to a land
of plenty, where we will have enough food and all good things in life.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay. And then what?

SPIDER
Why… we… hmmm… I don’t know. The prophecy only goes that far.
I suppose we will spend our days in health and cheer, always praising
the Chosen One for his blessings upon us.

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, that sounds swell. Look, you have a knack for fixing things,
and you seem to understand pretty much all the major parts of physics.
Why don’t you spend the rest of your days trying to build up a level
of civilization? There’s a ruined city nearby, and there are probably
more around. You could fix stuff up and live like people are supposed
to live. You could be living in a real city someday, with electricity and
toilets and everything.

SPIDER
Why, that’s… a good idea. Frankly, I was kinda worried about that
whole ‘laying around and singing the praises of the Chosen One’ thing.
Sounds like it’d be boring after a while.

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, it’s good to have a goal…

EXT- REFINERY- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and his team are seen exiting through the doors of a large building. They look around in surprise. The camera switches to their POV, and pans across an open expanse of ground. The area is filled with huge oil tanks and refinery equipment.

MATT
Well, this explains where the Snakes got their fuel.
The Morlocks have a pretty sweet setup here…
a machine shop, food, fuel…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey… do you hear something?

The team goes quiet, and a low chanting sound can be heard from somewhere off camera. DOCTOR WHAT looks around and sees a large building at the edge of the refinery. Lights can be seen in the windows. DOCTOR WHAT points to it, and the team walks towards it. They stop at the doors, and DOCTOR WHAT quietly slides one of them open.

INT- THE CHAMBER OF THE RELIC- DAY

The camera switches to an interior view of the doors, and we see DOCTOR WHAT opening it. He looks around cautiously, and then his eyes are drawn to something off camera. His gaze goes up.. and up.. and up. The rest of the team appear in the doorway behind him, and also look up.. and up.. and up.

The camera switches to their POV. It shows THE BISHOP standing in front of the stone altar. LUAKEL is tied down to it, and another Morlock, this one with scales all over his skin, is standing by him and holding a huge machete. But all eyes in the room are drawn to the item behind the altar. It is a massive piece of artillery, probably the biggest land based gun on any timeline. It is angled up towards the ceiling, and the bore is so high, it can barely be seen in the light. A self loading limber attached to it holds six tremendous shells. The entire piece is attached to a transport trailer with a hitch. The camera switches back to the team. Most of them manage to tear their eyes away from the big gun and look around… but MATT stares at it in rapture. WEAPON M peer closely at the scene at the altar.

THE BISHOP
Rejoice, brothers! Here in the place where the sacred relic of the Great One
resides, we face our destiny! When he appears, he shall give us the wisdom
to use this mighty weapon, and it shall smite our foes! Strike, brother, and
bring on the end of days!

The scaled Morlock grins nastily and raises his machete high, obviously intending to chop off LUAKEL’S head. The camera switches to DIAMOND, who is on his knees near the altar, being held down by several more Morlocks. He closes his eyes. The camera switches back to the scaled Morlock. He is about to swing the machete, but he suddenly lurches and falls as a loud gunshot is heard.

The camera switches to WEAPON M; he has a pistol out and pointed, obviously having just fired it.

The camera switches to a wide angle view of the room. The Morlocks are staring in horror at the intruders, who are preparing their weapons. Then the room explodes into action. The Morlocks, who seem to be carrying only knives in this holy place, charge forward at the team, who fire at them. THE BISHOP and several others flee out another door.

The camera switches to DIAMOND, who is struggling to escape, but with his hands and feet tied, he is unable to. One of his guards gets annoyed and raises a knife to stab him… but SLINKY, with a loud screech, leaps on his back. The knife in her hand plunges into the Morlock’s back, and he goes down. SLINKY pulls the knife free, moves over to DIAMOND, and cuts him free; he’s staring at her with wide eyes. She smiles saucily at him as he stands up.

The camera switches back to the main battle. The Morlocks are trying to get close enough to use their knives, but most are getting shot down before they can. MATT walks slowly through the melee, staring at the big gun, oblivious to the combat around him. He walks up to the altar, hops up onto it, and hesitantly reaches out a hand to touch the gun barrel.

MATT
It’s the biggest gun I’ve ever seen. I… I think I’m in love.

He remains distracted even when the Morlocks break away and flee out the other door. He finally notices something, and looks down at his feet.

MATT
What?

LUAKEL (o.c.)
I said, you’re standing on my head!
Get off! And untie me, damn it!

The camera switches to the rest of the team, who are looking around cautiously. DOCTOR WHAT walks over to the altar and looks up at the big gun behind it.

DOCTOR WHAT
What in the hell is that thing? It looks big enough to shoot from here
to New Jersey. And a finer target than that, you couldn’t ask for.

MATT
I think it’s an anti-satellite gun. I’ve heard of plans for such things, but I’ve
never seen one actually built on any timeline. Doc, we gotta take it with us!

DOCTOR WHAT
Anti-satellite? Yeah, we do gotta take it with us… this is our way
to bust through all those satellite bullets in orbit up there. Well, let’s
go back and get the big truck and haul it away. And then back to the
machine shop. We have a lot of work to do before we can leave, and
I don’t think the Morlocks are done with us yet.

The team starts to move away, and just as the screen fades to black, MATT is heard talking off camera.

MATT
Wait… did you just insult New Jersey?

FADE TO BLACK.

INT- GARAGE- DAY

MONTAGE

The big truck is seen pulling into the machine shop, with the big gun in tow behind it.
WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE are shown welding on the trailer.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen supervising the loading of the piles of supplies into the trailer bed.

DOCTOR WHAT is shown in the cab of the truck, familiarizing himself with the controls. He pushes a button, and the horn sounds, the windshield wipers move, and the stereo plays “I Touch Myself” at maximum volume. After frantically pushing buttons all over the dash, he manages to turn everything off.

MATT is seen going over all the team’s weapons, cleaning and loading them.

An exterior shot shows the sun setting on the horizon past the compound.

Back in the machine shop, WEAPON M, IRONYUPPIE, and MATT are shown hanging heavy sheets of metal on the sides of the truck.

WALKER is seen moving silently down the dark corridor at the side of the garage.
The final montage shot shows a darkened figure, obviously a Morlock, peeking out of a dark corner of the roof, spying on the activity below. He moves away out of sight, not noticed by the busy team members.

EXT- COMPOUND- DAWN

The sun is seen rising over the ruined city.

INT- MORLOCK QUARTERS- DAWN

The surviving Morlocks are shown in a large warehouse type building. There are still 20 of them left. Most are on or standing by a motley collection of motorcycles and dune buggies, and all are armed with knives, spears, and crossbows. THE BISHOP stands on a box, haranguing them.

THE BISHOP
The wretched beings that have invaded our city will pay for their audacity!
They plan on taking away both the Great Deceiver and the holy relic! Will
you let them commit such heresy?! No!!
We will pursue them and defeat them!
And…
(evil grin)
we have allies to help us in this moment of destiny!

The Morlocks all yell and cheer, and then they hop onto their vehicles. The motors are all revved up, and then the vehicles all move off camera.

INT- GARAGE- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is standing in the center of the team, talking to them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, troops, this is it. Every chance we have of getting back to the ship
and getting off the planet is riding with us right now. I imagine the Morlocks
are going to come after us, so stay alert, and for God’s sake, stay behind
the protections we built. Okay, everyone know what they’re supposed to do?

Everyone nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
Everyone have their weapons ready?

Everyone nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
Everyone go to the bathroom? We won’t be
able to make any rest stops out there, you know.

Everyone nods, and looks annoyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, now all we need…

He stops as WALKER is seen jogging into view.

WALKER
The corridor is clear. I opened the doors at the end,
so all we need to do is drive away.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. Well… good luck everyone. Mount up!

The team members all move off. The camera pulls back, and shows the big truck and the modifications made to it. Sheets of steel have been hung all around the cab, making it an armored vehicle. The trailer is packed to the top with various supplies, all of which are palletized and chained down. Several round turrets have been built onto both sides of the trailer, obviously for defending it. The big gun is hitched to the back of the trailer, but the muzzle has been depressed flat, so as to fit into the corridor.

The team members are seen scrambling into the trailer, moving into the turrets. DIAMOND, with SLINKY right behind him, moves into a turret near the back of the cab. MATT and WEAPON M move into those on opposite sides of the center of the trailer, while the other team members move into the other turrets. The AH.COM people check over their guns one last time, while the Sandkats prepare their crossbows.

The camera switches to the cab. DOCTOR WHAT is seen climbing into the driver’s seat, while IRONYUPPIE takes the passenger seat next to him. DOCTOR WHAT puts his thumb on the starter plug.

DOCTOR WHAT
Here goes nothing.

He pushes the plug. The engine cranks for a moment and then coughs into life. It hums deeply with pure mechanical power. Diesel exhaust pours out of the twin stacks. DOCTOR WHAT sighs with relief. He puts the truck in gear; it slowly moves forward.
The camera switches to a wide angle view of the garage. The huge truck moves slowly into the corridor, and out of sight.

EXT- THE COMPOUND- DAY

The camera shows a scene outside the garage. The doors at the end of the exit corridor stand open. Several dune buggies drive into the scene and stop at the doors, and some familiar looking figures exit out of them; the Snakes. LORD ENORMOUS GUY is one of them, and he looks down the dark corridor. Another Snake walks up beside him.

SNAKE
Did the Morlocks say what they needed our help with?

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
I find your groveling to be insufficient.

He stabs the Snake in the back, dropping him instantly. The other Snakes all stare in shock for a moment, and then another approaches the leader.

SNAKE
Oh great and magnificent leader, we are all just dust under
your mighty boots! If you would deign to enlighten us poor
worthless creatures as to the purpose of our presence here in
Morlock land, we would be forever humble and in your debt!

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
That’s better. You know, the quality of the groveling around here
has gotten pretty low lately, and I’m looking for improvement. Both
quality and quantity. There’s no excuse for sloppiness when it comes to groveling.
(pause)
What were we talking about? Sheep? No! It was about the Morlocks,
wasn’t it? Yeah, that’s right. Anyway… their messenger said that intruders
had invaded their town and were trying to steal all their stuff. So, they
offered us a nice pile of goods to help stop them. And you know what
else? Do you? DO YOU? I do! Ha ha ha ha! Bananas in pajamas,
they’re coming down the stairs! Damn the voices!
(pause)
Let’s see… oh yeah. I bet these intruders are those people in that fat
metal ship that crashed out on the sand. I bet they’re here looking for
stuff to repair their ship. Well, now’s our chance for revenge! A couple
of you, come with me… let’s go down and talk to THE BISHOP.

LORD ENORMOUS GUY, followed by a couple of other Snakes, moves into the corridor. The rest stay behind, lounging around their vehicles.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT- THE GARAGE- CORRIDOR- DAY-

The camera shows the big truck moving smoothly down the dark corridor. The camera pans up to the cab, where DOCTOR WHAT is seen driving, and IRONYUPPIE, sitting next to him, wearily takes her glasses off and rubs her eyes.

INT- GARAGE- CORRIDOR- DAY-

LORD ENORMOUS GUY and his two cohorts are seen only a few feet into the corridor, when the sound of the big truck’s motor is heard.

SNAKE
That’s weird… the Morlocks don’t ever
drive down this tunnel.  They usually
go out the other side.

LORD ENORMOUS GUY
Aha!  It must be those damn outlanders.
Well, I’ll fix them and their wittle twuck!

He hauls a huge speargun off his back, and puts a massive spear into it. He moves tight against the wall as the truck headlights come into view. As the truck gets closer, he darts out and fires the speargun.

The camera switches to the front of the cab. The huge spear is seen smashing into the front of the truck… and bouncing off the steel plate that was hung onto it earlier.
The camera switches to a tight shot of LORD ENORMOUS GUY’S face. His eyes go wide behind the hockey mask.

The camera switches to a view of the cab interior. DOCTOR WHAT is glancing in the side mirror, while IRONYUPPIE still has her glasses off. The ‘thunk’ of the spear is heard, followed by a short scream, and the truck makes a slight bump as it moves. DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE look around puzzled, and then both shrug.

The camera switches back to the two surviving Snakes in the corridor. They are looking at something on the ground off camera; both look rather green.

SNAKE #1
Damn! They squished him flat as a pancake!

SNAKE #2
Yeah. But you know… it’s really for the best. I mean, he was
really getting to be off his rocker. I mean, who goes around
talking about Bananas in pajamas anyway.

SNAKE #1
True. Uh… what is a banana?

SNAKE #2
I don’t know. What do you suppose pajamas are?

SNAKE #1
No idea.

The two look down for a moment, and then shrug and walk off camera.

EXT- THE GARAGE- DAY

The rest of the Snakes are still sprawling around their vehicles, when the roar of the truck engine is heard. The Snakes look down the corridor in curiousity for a moment, and then suddenly run towards their buggies. Most of them get them started and out of the way, but the massive truck suddenly bursts out of the doorway, and two of the buggies are crushed under it’s treads, along with the drivers.

The camera switches to the cab interior. DOCTOR WHAT is looking ahead with wide eyes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy crap! It’s the Snakes again!

IRONYUPPIE
Floor it, Doc!

The camera switches back to a wide view of the truck. It puts on a burst of speed, and barrels easily through the sand, moving faster and faster. The big rig moves into the high ridges of sand surrounding the ruined city, and moves smoothly up the incline. The camera follows the truck as it moves over the ridge and moves swiftly along the level sands away from the city.

The camera switches to PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who is sitting in one of the rear turrets on the trailer. He squints and raises a hand to shield his eyes, looking backwards. The camera switches to his POV. The sand dunes around the city are growing smaller in the distance, but suddenly six dune buggies pop up over the ridge and quickly close the distance as they pursue the big rig. PSYCHOMELTDOWN turns and whistles loudly to warn the others.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Heads up! The Snakes are coming after us!

WEAPON M
We got more off to the north!

The camera switches to the view north of the trailer, and eight more buggies and motorcycles are seen charging towards the trucks.

The camera switches to a close up view of one of the dune buggies. THE BISHOP rides on it, waving a crossbow.

THE BISHOP
Onward brothers! The heretics shall be destroyed this day!

The camera switches to the cab interior. DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE are looking in the side mirrors, watching as the two pursuing groups of nomads quickly catch up to the lumbering truck.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh fuck. We got a hell of a fight on our hands.

EXT. – DESERT –DAY

WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT

We see the rig turn to the left to shake off the Snakes and avoid being intercepted by the Morlocks. The two groups merge together and continue to pursue the rig, dust and exhaust trailing behind them.

EXT. –RIG – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(at a turret)
Here they come!

We see a dune buggy rapidly approaching the rear of the rig. PSYCHOMELTDOWN fires a few shots from a BFG at it but the buggy easily dodges the shots. It moves a bit closer and we see that there are two nomads in the buggy—one driving and the other—

CLOSE –UP: PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S widening eyes as he sees—

A nomad behind a Whaling Harpoon Gun!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Fuck!!

We see the harpoon gun fire, shooting out a 6 foot long metal harpoon at the trailer bed, a long rope trailing behind it. It impacts the trailer bed, easily going through all the metal armour. PSYCHOMELTDOWN lets out a short girlish scream, and stares wide eyed for a moment.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(whimpering)
…mommy…
(his eyes glance down)

We see the harpoon sticking out of the inner side of the trailer bed—right between PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S legs, missing his crotch by mere inches.

We see the harpoon rope quickly becoming taunt-

–and the rig’s momentum literally yanks the dune buggy right off the road! It starts being dragged by the rig, crashing and tumbling behind it like an out of control waterskier! After a few seconds, the dune buggy completely falls apart, snapping the rope in the process.

We see assorted ah.commers in the trailer bed giving each other thumbs up signs and smiling.

A buggy starts pulling up along one side of the rig. Another buggy pulls up on the other side.

Meanwhile a large group of buggies and bikes are closing in on the rig from behind. All of them simultaneously fire a barrage of weapons fire.

MATT
Incoming!

The ah.commers and Sandkats duck for cover as crossbow bolts, arrows and spears crash down on and around the trailer bed.

WEAPON M
(ducking back up)
Take them out!

The ah.commers fire at the nomads. The nomads weave and dodge around most of the shots as they impact on the ground around them, kicking up dust clouds to add to the huge one already forming behind.

One buggy is too slow to react, however and gets a front wheel hit. The wheel literally separates from the buggy, flying away. For a brief moment, the dune buggy is still driving even with just three wheels! The nomads on the buggy glance down in shock and surprise, grins on their faces.

Then gravity kicks in.

The buggy flips over onto its top and continues to slide for another hundred feet before coming to a rest in front of a hill. It nudges the hill ever so slightly.

We see that the nomads in the buggy are, miraculously, still alive, if somewhat dazed. They look at each other, grinning and smiling at their good fortune.

CLOSE-UP –Small pebble on edge of side of hill

We see the small pebble slowly fall off the edge and tumble down the hill. It tumbles a few more seconds and slowly falls towards the upturned dune buggy’s gas tank.

CLOSE-UP – Dune buggy’s gas tank.

We see a small label on the gas tank.

MADE BY THE FORD PINTO COMPANY

CLOSE-UP – Pebble landing onto the gas tank with a almost imperceptible ‘ting’

The dune buggy explodes, sending a cloud of smoke and flames a hundred feet into the air.

EXT- DESERT- DAY

We see the rig still pursued by the nomads. They’re jostling each other, trying to get a clear shot at the rig.

We see a buggy trying again to come alongside the rig.

The nomads in the rear of the rig fire another barrage of weapons fire at the rig, causing the ah.commers and Sandkats to duck for cover. It’s at that precise moment that the buggy on the side fires a crossbow bolt at the rig.

POV – Crossbow bolt

We follow the bolt heading right towards (the still pantless) DIAMOND, who is bent over trying to avoid the previous barrage of weapons fire. It heads straight towards his ass and –

DIAMOND screams his pain and leaps several feet straight up, coming to a landing on top of a pallet next to him. We see the bright morning sunlight reflect off his pasty white thighs.

We suddenly see the driver in the side buggy scream and cover his eyes.

NOMAD
(screaming)
Aaaaarggghh! My eyes! The light! THE LIII-IIIIGHT!!!!

The buggy careens out of control and crashes into another buggy. The two buggies explode spectacularly, sending flames and debris everywhere. Most of the pursuing nomads manage to evade the debris.

Most—but not all.

We see a cycle try to dodge unsuccessfully out of the way and slams into a chunk of debris, causing the cycle to literally catapult over it. It cartwheels several times in mid-air and crashes onto the sand, sending its driver sprawling.

We see DIAMOND looking at the devastation with a grin on his face. He fails to notice a cyclist on the side of rig fire a crossbow bolt. He turns to his side just in time to see him shoot.

POV – Crossbow bolt

We follow the bolt heading right towards DIAMOND, his eyes widening his shock and fear, too terrified to move. He suddenly is knocked out of the way with a loud grunt. We continue to follow the crossbow bolt as it impacts into a pallet and bounces off—

–right back at the cyclist!

The bolt hits the front wheel of the cycle, practically ripping it to shreds. The cycle goes out of control and crashes a few seconds later.

EXT- TRAILER BED- DAY

We see DIAMOND and SLINKY wedged in between two pallets, obscured from view from the others. DIAMOND is on the bottom with SLINKY on top.

DIAMOND
(shocked voice)
You…you…pushed me out of the way! You saved my life!
(beat)
How can I ever repay you?

SLINKY looks at DIAMOND for a very long moment. Then she grins evilly.

DIAMOND
Oh.

SLINKY leans down and kisses DIAMOND, pressing hard against his lips. After a moment, she pulls back. DIAMOND looks back up at her somewhat dazed, his lips torn and bloody.

DIAMOND
Oh, what the hell.

He pulls her face back down to his.

EXT- RIG- DAY

We see a nomad leap from a bike onto the trailer that’s carrying the giant anti-satellite gun. He starts hacking through various ropes wrapped around the gun, obviously trying to cut it loose.

We see MATT look at this in total shock.

MATT
No!

MATT makes a spectacular jump from the trailer bed onto the gun trailer. With a loud, almost feral, scream, he tackles the nomad and starts punching him.

MATT
(punching nomad)
GET!
(punch)
YOUR!
(punch)
UGLY!
(punch)
HANDS!
(punch)
OFF!
(punch)
MY!
(punch)
SWEETIE!
(punch)
YOU!
(punch)
SON!
(punch)
OF!
(punch)
A!
(punch)
BITCH!
(punch)
OR!
(punch)
I!
(punch)
WILL!
(punch)
HURT!
(punch)
YOU!

MATT picks up the dazed and bloody nomad over his head and flings him at a nearby buggy, causing the buggy’s driver to be pinned to his seat by the unconscious nomad. The buggy spins out of control and flips over several times.

MATT turns his attention back to the gun. He’s rubbing his hands over the gun in the same manner that a distraught mother rubs her hands over a sick child.

MATT
(talking to the gun in a comforting voice)
There, there, sweetie! MATT is here for you! Did the bad, bad
LUAKEL clone hurt you? It’s ok—I’m here for you, baby….
(lays his cheek on the side of the gun while hugging it)

We notice that there are significantly less of the nomads still pursuing the rig. Only about half a dozen buggies and bikes can be seen.

WEAPON M
(lining up a shot)
Eat this!

A shot from the BFG hits a cyclist on the side, knocking him backwards off of it just as he fires a crossbow. We see the crossbow bolt fly up and come down right on—

–the cab’s side window! It crashes through the window, right over DOCTOR WHAT’s head! It lands between him and IRONYUPPIE. DOCTOR WHAT screams shrilly in fear and surprise, causing him to yank the steering wheel hard to the right—

–and crashing into a buggy that at that moment managed to drive up next to the right hand side of the rig. The front bumper of the buggy crumples and the buggy flips over onto its left side, flinging the two nomads in it onto the rig. One of the nomads manages to grasp the cab’s right hand door, the other manages to leap onto the trailer bed.

We see the nomad who managed to grab the cab’s door look up—

–into the face of a very angry looking IRONYUPPIE.

NOMAD
(terrified voice)
Oh…dear…

IRONYUPPIE flings her door open, causing the nomad to almost lose his grip. Out of sheer desperation, he leaps onto the front of the cab, scrambling for a grip on all the armour plating that has been placed on the rig’s front.

IRONYUPPIE
Fuck! Where did he go?!

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t know!
(looks at side window)
Fuck! Here they come again!

We see that the nomad who leaped onto the trailer bed has landed right next to LUAKEL, knocking him to the ground. The nomad looks down at LUAKEL in shock and surprise.

MORLOCK
The Great Deceiver himself! THE BISHOP will be pleased with me!
(starts strangling LUAKEL)
Die Great Deceiver! Die now—ghuuuu-uuurk!

We see a spear hit the Morlock, flinging him back. He falls in a heap and lies still, obviously dead, the spear sticking out of his chest. LUAKEL looks up to see—

WALKER, frowning slightly and looking at his hands in mild disgust.

WALKER
Such poor workmanship on their spears. I feel almost…
unclean…touching such crude things.
(kicks Morlock’s body)
By the LUAKEL, where is your sense of pride, you lazy bastard!

LUAKEL
Uh—WALKER—I think he’s already dead….

WALKER
That’s no excuse!
(keeps kicking)

EXT- RIG – DAY X

We see four assorted buggies and cycles coming up behind the rig.

BUBBA
Me have had enough of this!

BUBBA bends down and grabs a handful of spent crossbow bolts and quickly ties them together with a piece of cloth. He pulls back his arm, the ‘mega-bolt’ in his hand, and flings it at the driver of a buggy.

The ‘mega-bolt’ hits the driver and actually impales the driver to the seat. The buggy spins out of control and crashes, narrowly missing a cyclist. The cyclist puts on a burst of speed and moves a bit closer to the rig.

EXT. –FRONT OF RIG – DAY

We see the nomad who managed to leap to safety away from IRONYUPPIE earlier hanging on for dear life on the front of the cab. He pulls out a knife and starts to climb up. He pauses to take a deep breath of air—and then he leaps up—towards the windshield of the cab!

CLOSE-UP – DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE looking in shock as the nomad crashes through the windshield. Both of them scream, their screams combining with the screams of the nomad as he slams into the two of them, knocking them off-balance.. DOCTOR WHAT has his foot knocked off the gas pedal of the rig and accidentally slams it onto the brake pedal.

EXT- RIG – DAY

The rig suddenly screeches to a stop, almost knocking the ah.commers and Sandkats off their feet.

The cyclist who had put on a burst of speed to catch up to the rig suddenly slams into the back of the now stopped rig!

The bike falls away, leaving the rider splayed on the rear of the rig, like a spiderfish.

NOMAD
(very faint voice)
Ouch.

EXT. – CAB – DAY

IRONYUPPIE has managed to grasp the back of the head of the Nomad and is now mercilessly pounding his face onto the dashboard repeatedly. DOCTOR WHAT slams his foot down on the gas pedal, causing the rig to lurch forward. IRONYUPPIE flings the nomad out the windshield. The nomad flies over the hood of the cab and—miraculously—manages to grab a hold of a chunk of plating and is hanging on for dear life as the rig moves forward.

EXT- REAR OF RIG – DAY

We see the splayed nomad on the rear get thrown off by the movement of the rig. He falls in a heap on the ground, tumbling and rolling on the ground for a few seconds.

EXT. – CAB – DAY

We see the nomad still grasping the front of the cab.

DOCTOR WHAT
Bastard! Get off, you freak!
(slams down on the gas a few times)

The rig starts accelerating.

EXT. – DESERT – DAY

WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT:

We see the rig moving rapidly along the sand, trailing dust and exhaust behind. We see two dune buggies coming up behind it.

One of the buggies starts to catch up behind the rig. We see that it too has a large harpoon gun. It fires the gun—only this time it doesn’t have a rope on the harpoon.

The six foot long harpoon impales itself right into the barrel of a BFG that PSYCHOMELTDOWN was holding, knocking him to the ground and causing the BFG to fly out of his hand and hit a pallet of sheet metal. The chain holding down the pallet snaps, causing the pallet to fall against another pallet of boxes. It creates a chain reaction and a whole series of pallets crash against each other. DMA, BUBBA and BO/JO desperately dive out of the way, trying to avoid the various boxes and supplies. A large crate crashes up against the turret that WEAPON M was manning, trapping him in it. WALKER, glancing back at LUAKEL to make sure he’s ok, runs towards the Sandkats and ah.commers to help them.

The buggy moves a little closer, the nomad manning the harpoon gun loading another harpoon into it.

EXT. – FRONT OF RIG – DAY

We see the nomad desperately hanging onto the front of the rig. He has his hands clasping a large chunk of armour. We see him smiling.

CLOSE-UP: Armour plating.

We see the welding seam on the plate slowly start breaking.

With a loud crash, the chunk of armour plating the nomad was holding breaks away from the rig. The nomad, still clasping the plating, falls in front of the speeding rig with a scream.

INT. – CAB INTERIOR – DAY

We hear a loud ‘thump’ sound as the whole rig shakes as DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE look at each and grin.

EXT. – REAR OF RIG – DAY

We see the buggy getting ready to fire its harpoon.

CLOSE-UP: Harpoon Gun

We see the gun aimed right at LUAKEL.

TIGHT ON: A finger begins to squeeze on the trigger….

EXT- REAR OF RIG – DAY

We suddenly see a very flat nomad clutching a large slab of armour plating appear from beneath the rig. The driver spots the obstruction on the ground and desperately tries to swerve out of the way—

–Too late!

The buggy slams into the armour plating and flips over, the harpoon gun firing as it does. The harpoon is launched virtually straight up and flies into the sky, disappearing from view.

We see one final buggy come into view way behind the rig. We see that it is being driven by THE BISHOP. He sees the ah.commers and Sandkats digging each other out from all the collapsed pallets, too distracted in their tasks to notice him. He spots LUAKEL off to one side, alone by himself.

THE BISHOP smiles and reaches over to the side of his seat to a small cylinder. We see the cylinder is marked with the label ‘Nitrous Oxide. Danger! Use for Emergency Boost Only!’ He presses a switch and we hear a release of gas. The engine roars as it suddenly gets a boost of energy. He guns his buggy forward.

He quickly drives up next to the rig and makes a spectacular jump from his buggy onto it. His buggy continues to move forward, still being propelled by the nitrous oxide boost. The rig starts to slowly pull away from the buggy.

LUAKEL looks up to see THE BISHOP land right next to him. THE BISHOP tackles him and the two start rolling on the floor of the trailer for a few seconds. THE BISHOP manages to pin LUAKEL to the ground, their heads facing the rear of rig.

THE BISHOP
I shall have my revenge, Great Deceiver!
You will die at my hand!

LUAKEL punches THE BISHOP on the side of the head but THE BISHOP ignores it and starts choking LUAKEL. LUAKEL’s eyes start rolling backwards—and, despite being choked, a look of great confusion suddenly appears on his face.

THE BISHOP
Die Deceiver! Die!

CLOSE-UP: LUAKEL’s face

The look of confusion on his face is replaced by one of great surprise.

THE BISHOP—despite completely engrossed in his task of killing LUAKEL—notices the look on LUAKEL’s face. With an equally confused look on his face, he raises his head up…and up….and up….

We see—coming down—the harpoon that was fired earlier.

POV: Harpoon

The harpoon is falling straight down towards THE BISHOP!

CLOSE-UP: THE BISHOP’s eyes widening in fear.

THUNK!

The harpoon impacts onto THE BISHOP, impaling him and knocking him backwards over the edge of the trailer. He lands on the ground in a heap

We see THE BISHOP sprawled on the ground. He slowly manages to get up, the harpoon still impaled in his chest. With extreme difficulty, he manages to yank the harpoon out and stands there, swaying, obviously severely injured.

He looks at the rapidly receding rig disappearing over a ridge.

THE BISHOP
(weakly)
I…shall…have…my revenge…Great…
Deceiver…if…it’s…the…last thing…I…do…

A look of confusion appears on his face as we hear a strange sound. He looks behind him to see…

…his buggy—still moving rather fast thanks to the nitrous oxide boost.

Right towards him!

CLOSE-UP: THE BISHOP’s widening eyes

THE BISHOP
Oh pooh….

The Dune buggy drives straight towards the camera. We hear an extremely loud ‘THUD’.

Screen goes black.

EXT- DESERT- DAY

WIDE OVERHEAD SHOT

We see the rig drive towards the AH.COM ship. It screeches to a stop, sending clouds of dust and exhaust everywhere.

DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE leap out and run towards the rear of the rig and open the rear of the trailer. The ah.commers and Sandkats leap out and quickly start unloading the rig. They are joined by a few more ah.commers who come out of the ship a few moments later.

DOCTOR WHAT
Double time people! The sooner we unload this stuff,
the sooner we get off the godforsaken rock!

DOCTOR WHAT looks around as the supplies are slowly but surely being carried into the ship. He spots MATT and WEAPON M standing near the anti-satellite gun, WEAPON M looking at it in great admiration and MATT bent over and practically fondling it. DOCTOR WHAT glances up to see DIAMOND and SLINKY in front of him, their clothes disheveled and torn but the two of them smiling.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good God—what the hell happened to you guys?
(looks closer at DIAMOND)
Hey dude—are those…those…bite marks on your neck?

SLINKY grins and lays her head on DIAMOND’s shoulder. DIAMOND grins with an embarrassed look on his face.

DOCTOR WHAT screams and places his hand over his ears.

DOCTOR WHAT
Aaaaarrrgghh! Don’t tell me! Don’t tell me! I’m
not listening! La la la la la la! I don’t want to know!
(turns and starts running to the ship)
Forks! FORKS! Where the hell are the god-damn forks?!?

DOCTOR WHAT runs into the ship, still screaming

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

MONTAGE

The trailer is unloaded, one pallet at a time. Some are hauled into the ship, while others are left outside to repair the hull.

In Engineering, DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are unpacking a box full of computer circuit boards.

Outside the ship, WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE are seen holding sheets of metal in place while SPIDER welds them into place, using two blowtorches at once.

MATT is seen outside with the anti-satellite gun; he is securing the platform down to the ground. Every so often, he stops to hug the gun, tears rolling down his cheeks.

GBW is seen working on a computer console in the Control Room. He flips a switch, and all the computer consoles in the room light up.

G BONE is shown in the Teleporter Room, testing it. He makes several canisters appear and disappear on the pad.

A glimpse of DIAMOND’S quarters show his bed, with him and SLINKY rolling around in it under the covers. The camera mercifully pans up to the ceiling as laughter and soft moans, along with an occasional ‘Ouch!’ from DIAMOND, are heard.

The final montage scene shows DAVE HOWERY putting the cover back onto a piece of equipment in Engineering. He screws it into place, and then looks around with a smile. He puts the screwdriver back into a tool box, and stretches his arms.

EXT- AH.COM SHIP- DAY

The camera pans along the side of the ship, which clearly shows the results of the various patches put on it. The camera stops when it shows most of the AH.COM crew and the Sandkats, standing in two groups.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, saying ‘thanks’ for all your help doesn’t seem
to be enough, but… thanks.  With both the Morlocks
and Snakes pretty much toast on the desert, you
should be able to move into that city and take it over.
Food, fuel, parts… its all yours now.

SPIDER
We should be able to get everything up and running. Heck, I bet
we can actually build some kind of civilization on this world again.
But, it’ll be a long process.
(pause)
It’s just like the prophecy said. The Chosen One
has led us to a land of milk and honey.

The camera switches to DIAMOND and SLINKY, who are standing apart from the others. DIAMOND has an incredible number of Band-aids on his neck, arms, and bare legs. The two look somewhat sad.

DIAMOND
Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? We can
show you sights like you never imagined.

SLINKY
No. My people will need me as we take over the Morlock operations.
My place is here with them, yours is there on the ship.
But I will always remember your sexy white legs.

DIAMOND
Uh… yeah.