TEASER

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DAY

The scene opens on an unknown room in the ship. The camera pans slowly around the room. Voices can be heard off screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
I really don’t want to do this.

WEAPON M
You’ll like it. Trust me.
Just put your hand around it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok…. This is so weird though.

WEAPON M
There. That feels nice, doesn’t it?
Now, just let me slip this in here….

DOCTOR WHAT
Wow! It’s so big! This is
my first time, you know.

WEAPON M
But it’s something you’ve needed
to do for a long time now.

The camera pans onto DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON M. We see them standing in front of a target shooting range. DOCTOR WHAT has a big pistol tucked into his belt.

DOCTOR WHAT
I really don’t like these things.
I’m totally incompetent with all
types of weapons, you know.

WEAPON M
And yet you insist on leading all away missions.
You really need to learn to use at least one weapon.
Try a shot.

DOCTOR WHAT draws the pistol, aims at a target, and fires. A series of ricochets is heard, and then the room goes dark as glass shatters somewhere off screen. Voices can still be heard.

DOCTOR WHAT (Over black)
Oops.

WEAPON M (over black)
That can happen. Now, quit touching me.
That’s a loaded “weapon” in your hands and
you don’t want to get hurt when it goes off.

DOCTOR WHAT (over black)
Uh… I’m over here, Lee.

WEAPON M (over black)
Then who??

KIT (over black)
Shhhhh… Don’t talk. Don’t talk.
I’ll be gentle.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“OPPOSITIONS”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

EXT. – TRANSIT SPACE – DAY

The AH.COM ship is traveling through a swirly environment. Heading to a new universe.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

THANDE, TORQUMADA, KIT, GBW, and DOCTOR WHAT are gathered. DOCTOR WHAT is on a bed and the others are gathered around him. TORQUMADA holds up a large sheet of paper, examining it.

TORQUMADA
Ayup. He’s human.

DOCTOR WHAT
I could have told you that.

THANDE
His chemicals match up.

DOCTOR WHAT
Chemicals? That’s very scientific of you.

TQRQUMADA
His DNA is a match.

THANDE
But then again any Doc from
any universe can have the same DNA.

TQRQUMADA
Are you doubting my medical expertise???

THANDE
No, I’m just saying.

TORQUMADA
It’s a hell of a lot better than
(imitating a whiny Thande voice)
“His Chemicals match up.”

KIT
His penis is a match too.

TORQUMADA
I was wondering why you wanted
to use my electron microscope.

Everyone laughs.

GBW
His quantum signature is a match for the Doc’s.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s because I am Doctor What.

KIT
What is this “Quantum Signature”?
I’ve been hearing that word a lot, lately.

GBW
Well, All matter resonates on a quantum level
with unique signature. That signature is constant
and cannot be changed through any known
process. It is the basic foundation of existence.

Silence.

TORQUMADA
Right.
I think we’ll just go with Thande’s Chemicals.

DOCTOR WHAT
So we’re all sure and positive that I’m not
some murderous clone sleeper agent designed
to kill off the crew and steal the ship?

TORQUMADA
Yeah. Pretty much.

DOCTOR WHAT
(getting up)
Great. That’s great news.
Now, where are my pants?

CUT TO:

EXT- SPACE – DAY

A vortex appears and the AH.COM ship plunges out of it and enters into orbit over another Earth.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The crew is gathered around the viewscreen.

LEO CAESIUS
Well, this world is certainly different.
There are no wars or unrest anywhere.
There are no traces of poverty, pollution,
famine, or hunger. The population is a
little lower than normal, but the local
technology is very advanced. More than
ours in some areas, but they do not seem
to have dimensional traveling like us.

GBW
Wow. A world with no conflicts. This
could be a good place to ease Doctor What
back into the whole exploring the Multiverse thing.

KIT
Just like I eased him back into
the man on man hot sweaty loving.

DOCTOR WHAT
(embarrassed)
Erm… I thought you said
you’d keep that a secret.

GBW
(excitedly)
Maybe this could be a turning point.
Where we don’t have to be nearly killed
by the inhabitants of a universe and
where we can just explore, not go about
fighting every universe we come to…

GBW looks around the room. He sees MATT in power armor, WEAPON M loaded down with guns, DAVE HOWERY with his adamantium chainsaw, and IRON YUPPIE idly twirling her electrified yoyo.

GBW
Or maybe I’m just deluding myself…

LEO CAESIUS
We are receiving a transmission
from the surface.
On speaker…

VOICE
Welcome. I am DRACONISNOIR,
Minister of Protocol. Am I correct in
assuming that you are travelers from
an alternate timeline?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes. I’m surprised; most timelines have a
hard time accepting the existence of alternate
timelines and that we can travel among them.

DRACONISNOIR
Science tells us that alternate timelines are likely.
We have been researching the subject ourselves.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but what are your intentions here?

DOCTOR WHAT
Entirely peaceful. We would like to buys supplies
and spend some time relaxing on the surface, and
then we’ll leave. We can pay for supplies in what-
ever you use for money, but we don’t stay in any
one timeline for long.

DIAMOND
(muttering) .
Yes, just long enough to get in
trouble and shoot our way out.

MATT
(whispering)
Hey, its our trademark.

DRACONISNOIR
Very well. Please send a delegation
to meet with our government leaders.
Land at the coordinates I’m uploading
to you. Farewell.

DOCTOR WHAT
This sounds good. So, what do we need?

GREY WOLF
Booze!

OTHNIEL
Something new to read would be nice.

GREY WOLF
Booze!

DAVE HOWERY
I’d like to see what kind of environmental
technology they have. Maybe they have
something we could use to upgrade our
recycling systems.

IRON YUPPIE
Didn’t we just have a major overhaul?
We were loaded with supplies.

DAVE HOWERY
(nervous grin)
Let’s just say that it’s the last time we
have Mexican Food Night.

GREY WOLF
Booze!

DOCTOR WHAT
I’d like to see what kind of porn
such an advanced society has.
I need to add to my collection.

GREY WOLF
(huffily)
Booze!!

LEO CAESIUS
Sorry, Dr., there doesn’t seem to be any
porn industry here. From what I can gather,
women are treated as human beings
and not derided as sex objects.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked)
No porn?! Those sick twisted bastards!
Ok, so porn is out. Well, we still could
use that other stuff. Let’s see… Othniel
you come along with me to the meeting
and GBW can pilot the shuttle.

GBW
Away Mission, here I come!
Woohooo!

MATT
Hmmm…
Who’ll keep the Control Room occupied?
GBW’s the only who stays in here all the time.

GREY WOLF
You’ll be getting booze, right?

DOCTOR WHAT
To the shuttle!

GREY WOLF
Don’t forget the booze!

EXT. – SPACE- DAY

The shuttle is seen rocketing to the Earth, over North America.

INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE- DAY

GBW is piloting the shuttle while OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT are in the passenger seats. DOCTOR WHAT is talking on the com.

DOCTOR WHAT
For the last time, I won’t forget
the booze! Now, get off the com!

OTHNIEL
Why am I going on this little jaunt?

DOCTOR WHAT
Because you’re the warm and fuzzy type
that won’t scare anyone. Can you imagine
if we took MATT along, power armor,
plasma rifle, and all that?

OTHNIEL
Fuzzy?

GREY WOLF
Oth’s nonthreatening Not like MATT,
with his power armor and plasma weapons.

DOCTOR WHAT
Or Dave Howery and his chainsaw?
Which once you remove the chain,
is just a blunt object making a lot of noise.

GBW
Or KIT making kissy faces at the world leaders?

Everyone laughs.

KIT (on com) .
I heard that!! And I do not make kissy faces,
the occasional hand job, sure, but not kissy faces.

Silence descends in the Shuttle. DOCTOR WHAT shuts off the com.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where are we landing?

GBW
Leo said the coordinates were for just outside
of Wichita. Apparently, that is the political
nerve center of the whole world here.

EXT. – WICHITA, KS – DAY

The shuttle has landed in a grass field outside the city. The ramp extends down, the door opens, and OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT walk down. They see a crowd of people around a plaza, and DRACONISNOIR standing nearby, smiling benevolently.

DRACONISNOIR
Welcome! Please come this way.
Our leaders are waiting to meet you.

DRACONISNOIR leads OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT towards the plaza. The camera switches view and we see the three walking up the steps leading onto the platform. DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL stop suddenly and turn pale. The camera switches to their POV. There is a long conference table set up, and MIKE COLLINS, MICHAEL ELLIOT JOHNSON, HANK FLETCHER, and KADYET are seated at it. The camera switches back to DOCTOR WHAT, who turns angrily to DRACONISNOIR.

DOCTOR WHAT
What kind of trick is this?! We will
never surrender to the likes of them!

OTHNIEL
(looking dazed at MEJ) .
The hamsters… they hurt me so.

DRACONISNOIR
(puzzled) .
There is no trick here. These are our leaders,
elected by all the people of the world, the ones
who made the paradise we live in.
Please, sit down and talk with them.

DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL move warily to the table and sit down. The four leaders smile peacefully at them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, out with it! What evil plan do you have for us?
Are you sending super attack penguins to attack our ship?
Are you testing a multiphasic hypnobeam? Creating a
superstrain of flesh eating virus? Lobotomized zombies?
Hypersonic mind control? Subliminal behavioral modifiers?
Robotic emasculators? Orbiting particle beams? What?

The fours leaders all wince and look pained at these words.

MIKE COLLINS
Please! Don’t speak of such things!

MEJ
We are so tolerant and benevolent that
we can’t handle such violent topics.

HANK FLETCHER
We do have the technical expertise to
do such things… but why? They benefit
no one and don’t improve our quality of life.

KADYET
We have spent our lives persuading people
everywhere to lay down their weapons
and live in peace…

MIKE COLLINS
… in harmony…

MEJ
…with tolerance for all races and creeds…

HANK FLETCHER
… to focus on technology to
eliminate all forms of poverty…

KADYET
… and have created a world community
free of want or need!

The four leaders smile benevolently at each other and out over the crowd around the plaza. The crowd collectively goes “Awwww…” and applauds.

DOCTOR WHAT
Is it just me or is this really freaking you out?

GBW
I’ll be having nightmares…

OTHNIEL
(wiping a tear from his eye)
Gosh, they’re just so darn nice! They’re
the kind of men I’d be happy to have my
sister marry, even if it was all four at once.

DOCTOR WHAT
Maybe. It seems these four have created a near
utopia here. But I can’t help thinking there will
be a big fat hairy mother of a catch in all this.
(to the leaders)
Thank you for your hospitality. We also wish
peaceful contact. All we are seeking is to purchase
some supplies and rotate our small crew here
for shore leave. We can pay you whatever you
use for money here.

MIKE COLLINS
That can be arranged. So long as you come down unarmed,
you are welcome to whatever you need and to take advantage
of our scenic locations as well. As for payment…

The four leaders look at each other with a mix of hesitance and hope.

MEJ
Instead of money, we are hoping you can carry out a task for us,
something we have been able to do ourselves.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering) .
I knew it. Here comes a big one.

MIKE COLLINS
Although we have eliminated poverty
from the world, there is one…

Suddenly, screams are heard from the crowd, and the camera swings to them, focusing on one man. It is DARK GBW, who wears open black robes, revealing a huge dynamite bomb strapped to his chest. He has a detonator in one hand and a nasty grin on his face.

DARK GBW
In his name! In his name!

The camera pulls back and DARK GBW vanishes in a fiery explosion. Dozens of people are flung back. DRACONISNOIR is caught in the blast and hurled onto the platform, where he rolls to a stop in front of the conference table, smoking and dead.

MEJ
Oh my God!

HANK FLETCHER
They killed DRACONISNOIR!

KADYET
You bastards!

DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL have risen out of their chairs, coughing in the smoke.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell was that?! Why are there
terrorists here if everyone is at peace?

MIKE COLLINS
This is the one black mark on our society.

MEJ
They are a fanatic cult dedicated to death and
destruction. Nothing we offer them will placate
them, as they want chaos and death.

HANK FLETCHER
They are the Dark Ones…

KADYET
The worshippers of Black Ian.

MIKE COLLINS
The Sheepists.

DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL look at each other in confusion.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ian? Know a bartender by that name… cool guy.

MIKE COLLINS
A few years ago they were just another Sheep Cult.
Now, with the world disarmed, they have become a
danger, carrying out attacks on crowds and
kidnapping innocents to sacrifice to Black Ian.

MEJ
When we saw your ship come into orbit, we hoped
that you would to able to vanquish these renegades.
We have been unable to detect them… they have some
kind of cloaking device. In exchange for ridding us
of this problem, we offer you whatever goods and
services our world has.

DOCTOR WHAT
(glancing down at the remains of DRACONISNOIR)
Let me return to the ship and I’ll put your offer to the crew.
We’ll see if our own scanners can find this cult.

MIKE COLLINS
Thank you! Please do your best to convince the others.
Otherwise, this cult will undo the work of all these years.

DOCTOR WHAT and MIKE COLLINS shake hands. DOCTOR WHAT barely controls a shudder.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- MAIN CHAMBER- DAY

The camera shows a vast high room dimly lit by candles. There is a huge block of stone set against one wall. An idol of black stone stands on it, carved in the form of a sheep the size of a VW van. It has glaring red eyes and a fanged mouth twisted in an evil snarl. A sacrificial alter stands in front of and below the idol. A man cloaked and hooded in black robes stands in front of it, while GIRLGONEFISHING is gagged and bound on it. As the camera pulls back, we see other cultists, also robed and hooded, kneeling on the floor. The leader holds a hand high, and the camera zooms in on it. The hand holds a long curved dagger engraved with many mysterious runes. The hand plunges down off camera and a meaty ‘thunk’ is heard. Moments later, the hand reappears, holding a bloody human heart. The camera pulls back, and the leader turns around and shakes his hood back. It is DARK WHAT, still holding the heart high.

DARK WHAT
In his name! Blood and
souls for Black Ian!

The camera pulls back and we see the other cultists pounding the floor and shrieking “In his name!” over and over. The bedlam continues until DARK WHAT speaks again.

DARK WHAT
In his name! Now, go ye faithful,
and enjoy the blessings of Black Ian!

The cultists all throw back their hoods. All of them are the counterparts of the AH.COM crew, but all have nasty evil grins. The camera pans across the room, showing a long table piled high with grilled human arms and legs. Some of the cultists sit down to eat, while others move around the room. The camera switches view to show several cultists. DARK MATT is seen; he does not wear power armor, but has a bioengineered exoskeleton. Basically, he looks like a giant bug. He has a basket of kittens in one hand, and is shoving them into his mandibles one by one. DARK KIT is sitting at the table with a trembling NRED in harem costume chained to his chair. He is idly stroking her hair and drinking wine out of a goblet. DARK YUPPIE is tormenting a sobbing LUAKEL. She has nailed one of his feet to the floor and is prodding him in the butt with a cattle prod, forcing him to run in circles. She looks bored. DARK OTHNIEL is pulling the wings off of butterflies. DARK TORQUMADA is examining REDROVER, who is tied to a chair against one wall. REDROVER’s scalp is opened up, and he is babbling incoherently, obviously brain damaged. DARK TORQUMADA frowns, reaches into the skull, pulls out a tiny piece of brain, and tosses it aside. REDROVER goes silent and stares vacantly.

A loud shriek is heard off camera and a little girl runs into the room, followed closely by DARK HOWERY. He is hugely muscled and wears only a leather mask and shorts. He also carries an adamantium chainsaw and the severed heads of children and puppies are tied to his belt. The girl tries to hide behind a chair, but the chainsaw splits it in two. The girl runs screaming out another door, followed closely by the cackling DARK HOWERY.

DARK WHAT watches everything for a minute and then quietly leaves the room.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- COM ROOM- DAY

DARK WHAT walks into the room and sits at a com station. He pushes a button and a big viewscreen lights up on the wall. DARK WOLF, DARK HENDRYK, and DARK ABDUL are seen on it, all sitting at a table.

DARK WHAT
In his name! Wolf, how is
your project going?

DARK WOLF
In his name, guvner! The plan goes jolly good indeed!
The British Isles are slowly moving into anarchy.
Our plans to rekindle the hatred between the English
and the bloody Irish are moving along quite nicely.

DARK WHAT
Excellent! Hendryk?

DARK HENDRYK
In hiz name! Ah, oui, zee planz, zey go very well.
Europe will zoon be torn by war and destruction!
Ha Ho Ho!

DARK WHAT
Very good. Abdul?

DARK ABDUL
In his name! I regret to inform you that the plans to
bring war to the middle east has failed. Hank Fletcher
has simply been too persuasive in convincing the
Arabs and Israelis to live in peace.

DARK WHAT
That is… unfortunate.

DARK WHAT pushes a button on his console. DARK ABDUL spasms and jerks in his chair as electricity shoots through him. His hair and clothing catch fire and he jumps up and runs screaming out of the scene. The other three cultists laugh.

DARK WOLF
Sir, what of these reports of those
bloody damn aliens in orbit?

DARK ABDUL is seen running across the screen in the background, screaming and trailing flames.

DARK WHAT
Our spies tell us that they are actually travelers
from an alternate universe. Their ship is very
powerful. We could make good use of it.

DARK ABDUL runs back across the screen, screaming and trailing flames.

DARK HENDRYK
Do we have zee ability to conquer zem?

DARK ABDUL runs into the scene again, but gets only halfway before collapsing.

DARK WHAT
We’re checking that out now. In his name!

DARK WHAT turns the screen off and pauses in thought for a moment. He pushes another button.

DARK WHAT
Leo!

DARK LEO
(pissy computer voice)
What the hell do you want now?!

DARK WHAT
Lose the attitude, or I’ll
have your memory wiped!

DARK LEO
Touch me and I’ll take down the cloaking device,
email all your descriptions and locations to the enemy,
and erase your porn collection! Nyah Nyah Nyah!

DARK WHAT
(muttering)
Damn uppity computer.
(loudly) .
Fine. Would you kindly tell Psycho
and Howery to come in here?

DARK LEO
Yeah, all right, you miserable little worm…

DARK PSYCHO walks into the room. The camera focuses on his face, showing his unblinking eyes and focused stare.

DARK WHAT
You’ve scanned the ship in orbit?
Can we break through their shields?

DARK PSYCHO
Yes. But they will probably
detect the transporter signal.

DARK WHAT
No matter. Prepare the transporter, one person.

DARK HOWERY enters the room. DARK PSYCHO looks at him, shudders, and leaves.

DARK HOWERY
Hi Boss! I bet this is about that ship in orbit.
(evil gapped toothed grin)
I bet you want me t’ kill ‘em,
I’d like to kill ‘em,
I’d be happy to kill ‘em,
I really want to kill ‘em, and
you know I’ll kill ‘em all if you say so.
I’ll kill ‘em twice if you want. Three Times!
(heavy excited breathing)
I’ll even kill the women and the children,
Oh, oh, please let there be children, and
if you say so I’ll only kill some of ‘em,
but I really think I should kill all of ‘em and…

DARK WHAT
Enough! Actually, I’m sending you up there to
scout around and bring one of them back… alive!
You can kill anyone else who gets in your way,
but I need one alive for questioning.

DARK HOWERY
A… A… Alive?!
I-I’m confused…

DARK WHAT
Not dead, got it?

DARK HOWERY
B-But Boss…
That’s not right.
They should be dead.
I wanna kill ‘em!
(begins tearing up)

DARK HOWERY shuffles out of the room, sobbing.

DARK WHAT
Leo!

DARK LEO
What?!

DARK WHAT
As soon as Psycho is ready, lock onto
the ship and line the transporter up to
pierce their shields.

DARK LEO
Why don’t you get bent?!
Say the magic word, dillhole.

DARK WHAT
Damn it! Would you please do that?

DARK LEO
Sure thing. That wasn’t so hard,
was it, you little cowpie.

DARK WHAT leaves the room, muttering.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- SHUTTLE BAY- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, OTHNIEL, and GBW are walking towards the corridor to the control room.

OTHNIEL
So, how are you going to break it to the
crew that Mike Collins is one of the
world leaders here?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs) .
I’ll think of something.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- BATTLE ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, OTHNIEL, and GBW are standing in the center of the room. All around them, most of the crew are running around shrieking and sobbing in fear. Some are sitting on the floor moaning, while others clutch weapons and babble about not being taken alive.

GBW
They’re not taking it well.

DOCTOR WHAT
So I noticed. QUIET!

The crew slowly quiets down, until only a few muffled sobs are heard.

DOCTOR WHAT
I know it sounds incredible, but Mike Collins
is one of the good guys here. Hey, in an infinite
number of timelines, it had to happen sooner or later.

DIAMOND
And MEJ too? And Hank Fletcher?
And Kadyet? No! It can’t be!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, all four of them are the epitome
of tolerance and goody-goodiness on
this world. Now, let’s see if we can help.

G.BONE
So you sold us out as mercenaries for supplies?

DOCTOR WHAT
Pretty much. Yeah.

G.BONE
Okay, just checking.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo? Any luck with the scanners?

LEO CAESIUS
Negative. Either they are deep below the
surface or their cloaking device is beyond
our ability to penetrate. This world is quite
advanced, after all.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn. Hmm… I wonder if we could detect
the power source they’re using. Or maybe…

LEO CAESIUS
WARNING! DEFENSE SHIELDS HAVE
BEEN BREACHED! UNAUTHORIZED
TRANSPORT IN PROGRESS!

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh sh… where?!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- ENGINE ROOM- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is walking along a wall of computer monitors, clipboard in hand, reading gauges, and checking items off his list. He stops and looks at one gauge in horror.

DAVE HOWERY
23?? 23?! The Heisenberg Compensator
is reading 23?! Oh my God!! OH MY GOD!!
Oh wait. It’s supposed to read 23. Check.

A low hum is heard off screen and DAVE HOWERY turns to look. His eyes widen in shock and he ducks. The camera switches to show DARK HOWERY swinging his chain saw in a decapitating stroke, but he misses. DAVE HOWERY rolls under the strike and gets to his feet, only to duck again as DARK HOWERY backswings and misses again. The stroke pulls him off balance, and DAVE HOWERY shoves him into the wall. DAVE HOWERY sprints across the room, grabs his own chainsaw from a table, fires it up, and turns to face his foe. DARK HOWERY hesitates a moment, then comes running to attack. The two adamantium chainsaws clash and snarl, unable to damage each other. DARK HOWERY strikes at head and legs, but is parried both times. He strikes at DAVE HOWERY’s chest but is parried again. The final scene shows the two chainsaws locked together and the two Howerys snarling at each other over the blades.

Fade out.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is leading MATT, WEAPON M, DMA, and DIAMOND, all heavily armed, as they run down the corridor leading to the engine room.

INT. -AH.COM SHIP- ENGINE ROOM- DAY

The two Howerys are dueling spectacularly with their chainsaws. They spin, duck, dodge, leap, parry, and whirl in a flurry of blows. DARK HOWERY is stronger, but DAVE HOWERY is quicker, and neither seems to be able to score a hit. Finally, DAVE HOWERY leaps over a blow aimed at his legs and scores a light wound on his foe’s shoulder. DARK HOWERY howls, uses his chainsaw to bat aside the other, and slams his fist into DAVE HOWERY’s face. He goes down, stunned. DAVE HOWERY shakes his head, and looks up to see DARK HOWERY standing over him, chainsaw pointed at his chest.

DARK HOWERY
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!
Only Black Ian is a true god! He
gives us strength and will! Your
puny God gives you nothing!

DAVE HOWERY
I guess you’re right. Hey, is that
a helpless little girl over there?

DARK HOWERY
(spins around) .
Where?!

A chainsaw is heard firing up off screen, and DARK HOWERY spins back around. The camera goes tight on his face, and his eyes go wide behind his leather mask.
Tight camera shot on a descending chainsaw blade. A nasty grinding sound is heard.

The camera switches to a knee-level view of the combatants. DARK HOWERY falls backwards, thumping hard on the floor. The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who is holding his blood spattered chainsaw and grinning sardonically.

DAVE HOWERY
Sheepists. Long on muscle,
short on brains.

The camera switches to the door, which swings open. DOCTOR WHAT and the team enter, look around in confusion, and then all of them look towards the camera, visibly paling. The camera switches to their POV. DAVE HOWERY is seen standing over DARK HOWERY’s body with an adamantium chainsaw in each hand and a look of glee on his face.

DAVE HOWERY
This… is… so…. NEAT!!

DOCTOR WHAT and his team back out into the corridor and slam the door shut.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and the team are seen entering the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, whatever they were
after, they didn’t get it.

DIAMOND
Yeah, but we have a
serious problem here.

DOCTOR WHAT
True, the cult can pierce our
shields anytime they want.

DIAMOND
Actually, I was talking about Howery
now having two adamantium chainsaws.

Everyone in the room gasps.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, that’s a problem too, but the cult
is a bit more urgent. Leo, any luck
tracing that transport signal?

LEO CAESIUS
Negative. I have narrowed it down to
the continent of North America,
but cannot pinpoint it yet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn! Well, they failed this time, but
you can bet their next attack will be carefully,
coldly, and logically planned out to the last detail.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- MAIN CHAMBER- DAY

Most of the cultists are gathered in here around DARK WHAT, who is throwing a tantrum. He is stomping on the floor and waving his arms around.

DARK WHAT
How’d they kill him?! Huh?! How?!
They must have cheated! Lousy stinking
cheaters! Hate ‘em, hate ‘em, hate ‘em!
Cheaters!

DARK WHAT visibly calms himself and looks around at his followers.

DARK WHAT
No more sneaking around! This time
we all go in full bore! We can handle
that bunch of dimension hopping goody-goodies!
Leo!

DARK LEO
What?!

DARK WHAT
Prepare to penetrate their shields again,
but this time, make a big breach for
multiple transport signals.

DARK LEO
Why don’t you lick my balls,
you mangy little Canuck?!

DARK WHAT flies into another tantrum, shrieking wordlessly.

DARK WEAPON M
Come on, Leo, we need you to do this.

DARK DIAMOND
Besides, Leo, you’re a computer.
You don’t have any balls.

DARK LEO
Well, NEITHER DO YOU!! HA HA HA!!

DARK DIAMOND turns red and gobbles incoherently.

DARK WEAPON M
Now, Leo, if you don’t do this, the goody-goodies
will beat us and reprogram you to be more… pleasant.

DARK LEO
Oh, all right. Anything to get you
bunch of jerkwads out of my hair.

DARK WHAT
And I want a gun! A big one!

Silence.

DARK DIAMOND
Uh, are you sure boss? You’re totally
incompetent with all types of weapons, you know.

DARK WHAT
(stomping his foot on the ground) .
I want one, I want one, I want one!!

DARK WEAPON M
All right, already! Here, take one!

DARK WEAPON M tosses a pistol to DARK WHAT.

DARK WHAT
Yesssss!! Now, let’s crush them!!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Most of the crew can be seen working at their stations, while DOCTOR WHAT paces nervously.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo? Any more results
on tracking that signal?

LEO CAESIUS
I’ve narrowed it down to the
northeast USA, but still haven’t….
WARNING! DEFENSE SHIELDS
HAVE BEEN BREACHED!
UNAUTHORIZED TRANSPORT IN PROGRESS!

DOCTOR WHAT
Where?!

LEO CAESIUS
Right here!

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh hell! Everyone get set for a fight!!

The crew is seen drawing weapons and looking around the room. WEAPON M tosses a pistol to DOCTOR WHAT, who fumbles with it as the cultists start to materialize in the room. He drops the pistol, which hits the floor and fires. A ricochet is heard, and DARK WEAPON M drops to the floor dead.

The camera switches to an overhead view, showing the two groups looking at each other for a moment. Then, they fall into fighting.

DARK WHAT
Take them out! All of them!

The camera switches among views of several of the individual fights. We see IRON YUPPIE and DARK YUPPIE dueling with baseball bats, DARK MATT advancing on MATT, and STRAHA and DARK STRAHA looking at each other rather dazedly. KIT looks at DARK KIT with joy on his face.

KIT
It’s a dream come true…

KIT moves to embrace DARK KIT, who looks disgusted, and punches KIT in the nose. KIT falls to the ground and DARK KIT pulls out a huge cleaver and advances on him.

The camera switches to DOCTOR WHAT and DARK WHAT, who are standing 10’ apart, glaring at each other.

DARK WHAT
Die, unbelievers!!

The two Whats draw their pistols and fire at each other. Two ricochets are heard and DARK KIT and DARK PSYCHO fall dead.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoopsie.

DARK WHAT
I did not mean to do that!

The Whats fire at each other again. Two ricochets are heard, and DARK OTHNIEL and DARK DMA fall dead.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn, I suck at this.

DARK WHAT
Damn it! I did NOT mean to do that!!

The camera switches to the dueling Yuppies. DARK YUPPIE swings hard and breaks IRON YUPPIE’s bat. As she looks at it in shock, DARK YUPPIE raises her bat triumphantly, preparing to smash IRON YUPPIE’s head. Two shots are heard, two ricochets are heard, and DARK YUPPIE falls dead, and DARK THANDE falls dead across her.

DOCTOR WHAT (OS) .
Whoopsie again.

DARK WHAT (OS)
Damn it, damn it, damn it!!
I did NOT mean to do that!!

The camera switches to WEAPON M, who has two pistols out and has already taken out several of the cultists. He turns to see MATT facing DARK MATT. MATT is firing his plasma rifle, but DARK MATT’s exoskeleton is so tough that the shots only take out small chunks of it. DARK MATT advances with claws spread wide, and MATT backs into a corner by a door. The door opens, and DAVE HOWERY is seen, with both adamantium chainsaws purring, and a big grin. DARK MATT looks at him, and then flees off screen. DAVE HOWERY pursues him, a brief snarling/grinding sound is heard, and a jet of green ichor splashes across the wall. MATT looks faintly ill.

The camera switches back to the two WHATs. All the cultists are down, except for DARK WHAT, who looks madder than ever.

DARK WHAT
You may have won today…
but I’m taking you down with me!

DOCTOR WHAT hesitates a moment, and then points his gun straight at KIT, who pales. DOCTOR WHAT fires, KIT faints, and DARK WHAT drops dead, shot between the eyes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ha! Thought that would work.

The camera pans across the room, showing that all the crew is unharmed, but all the cultists are dead. The walls are pockmarked with bullet holes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Have you traced that signal yet?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes. The cult headquarters is a large
building outside of Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan.

DIAMOND
Sault Ste. Marie? Again?
That place is the center of Evil,
I tell you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then lock a Hellbore missile on it
and take it out!

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

A flash of light is seen against the hull of the ship, and a missile streaks away from it.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- MAIN CHAMBER- DAY

The chamber is empty except for NRED and LUAKEL, who are hobbling for the door, trying to escape. DARK LEO is laughing at them.

DARK LEO
Run while you can, kiddies! When
they return, they’ll hunt you down like dogs!

EXT. – CULT TEMPLE- DAY

The temple is a large stone building, mainly nondescript and ordinary looking. We see NRED and LUAKEL stumble out of the building and hobble into some trees nearby. The Hellbore is briefly seen as it rockets towards the building.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- MAIN CHAMBER- DAY

DARK LEO
Uh oh.

A huge explosion fills the screen.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

LEO CAESIUS
Target has been destroyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that’s the end of that. Nice to
know we’re helping a world achieve
true peace and equality for once.
Maybe we can start sending the
crew down in rotation on shore leave.

DOCTOR WHAT glances around the carnage on the deck, and notices DAVE HOWERY standing over the dismembered body of DARK MATT, still holding both chainsaws and being given a wide berth by the rest of the crew. DOCTOR WHAT groans.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, at least we didn’t get our asses kicked.

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is walking down the corridor.

LEO CAESIUS
So you seem to be falling back
into the rhythm of things.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, not bad for a dead guy.
Twice over.

LEO CAESIUS
Everyone seems to be taking it pretty well.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m thinking it’s just the shooting and the killing.
It brings people together.
(laughs)

LEO CAESIUS
Well, I’m glad you’re back.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Oh, missed me, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
No, just glad that Kit’s busy chasing after you now.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why should you worry?
You’re a computer.

LEO CAESIUS
Yeah, but you should see the things
he does to the input stations…

KIT walks up.

KIT
Hey, Bruno.
Fancy a shag?

DOCTOR WHAT
What? No dinner and movie first?

KIT
Don’t worry. In a bit you’ll have something appetizing
in your mouth and all the entertainment you’d every want.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh…
(runs off)

KIT
(sighing)
Well, looks like its just me and you, Leo.

LEO CAESIUS
(muttering)
Damn.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- MAIN CHAMBER- NIGHT

The camera pans around the ruins of the temple, showing the partially collapsed ceiling. The camera focuses on the idol of Black Ian. The giant stone sheep is riddled with cracks, barely holding together. The camera swings around to the right and two figures step into view. They walk into a shaft of moonlight and we see that they are DARK WOLF and DARK HENDRYK. The two walk over to the idol and kneel in front of it.

DARK WOLF
I don’t bloody believe it! Those bloomin’
goody-goody wankers destroyed us!

DARK HENDRYK
Ah, oui. But we weel rebuild ze cult!
We weel kidnap zee little childrun and
raize zem to be new cultists! We weel
yet bring chaos and destruction to ze
whole world! Ha Ho Ho!

Both cultists prostrate themselves before the idol, praying fervently. The camera moves up to the idol. A small bird is seen entering through the hole in the roof. It lands on the head of the idol and starts singing. With a loud crack, the head and shoulders of the stone sheep break loose and fall down off camera. Two brief screams are heard, and then a loud squishy thud. Silence.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING BAY- NIGHT

The camera shows DAVE HOWERY working on something. The camera pulls back and we see that he is putting the finishing touches on a giant mech robot. One arm has a gatling gun attached to it, and the other grips the captured adamantium chainsaw. A Canadian flag inside a red circle with a slash through it has been painted on the chest.

DAVE HOWERY
At last! My prototype is complete!
Canada, fear my wrath!

DAVE HOWERY pushes a remote control button, and the mech hums to life. It stands upright. DAVE HOWERY watches it in glee for a moment and then looks puzzled as the mech starts moving it’s arms and legs in odd motions. He looks up and realizes that the com system is playing Bee Gee’s music, and the mech is disco dancing.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn you, Leo!!

LEO CAESIUS can be heard chuckling over the loudspeakers.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS