TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, WEAPON M and KIT are at their various stations (for once). As if to make up for it, DOCTOR WHAT is slouched down in the captain’s chair, LANDSHARK looks bored, WEAPON M is looking twitchy and KIT looks… forlorn.

KIT
(heaving a deep sigh)
Oh, Antonio…

LANDSHARK
(annoyed)
Would you stop mooning over those clones already?

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re just angry because you
and IY were otherwise occupied.

LANDSHARK
(muttering)
The innuendo… the blackmail material…
It would’ve been Gold, I’m telling you! Pure Gold!

DAVE HOWERY and GBW walk in.

LEO CAESIUS
(monotone voice)
Good morning, Dave.

DAVE HOWERY
(glaring)
If it wasn’t funny the first dozen times,
what makes you think it is now?

DAVE HOWERY grumbles and heads over to the engineering station, which has a screensaver of a map of North America with nukes launching from the US and exploding in Canada like in WarGames.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, so we’re all here for the transdimensional shift?
(pause)
What are you doing here, GBW?

GBW
The hallways and most of the rooms are
still getting cleaned after the latest… incident.
(shudders)
Besides, I haven’t gotten to see one of these shifts from here yet.

LANDSHARK
Well just don’t get in the way, Second Pilot.
(looking smug)
Let us professionals handle this.

GBW rolls his eyes and stands off to the side.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Shot of the exterior of the MES AH.COM with Earth in the background. Suddenly, a swirling red vortex opens and the AH.COM zooms into it.

The view abruptly changes to showing only black with stars. The swirling red vortex appears and the AH.COM shoots out. After gliding along gracefully for a little bit, what appears to be a small piece of rusted debris slams into the ship.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Everyone jerks forward slightly at the impact; DOCTOR WHAT looks around wildly.

DOCTOR WHAT
What happen?

LANDSHARK
Somebody set up us the debris.

DOCTOR WHAT
What!

KIT
Main screen turn on!

The main screen activates and shows Earth in the background with, in the distance, what appears to be several space stations and other ships in orbit. More immediately, however, is the large debris field they’re coming upon.

DOCTOR WHAT
You know what you doing.
Move ship.
For Great Justice.

GBW strides over to DOCTOR WHAT.

GBW
Hey, snap out of it!
Are you guys feeling alright?

DOCTOR WHAT
What you say!!
(shakes head)
I mean… yeah, I’m alright.
(muttering)
Last time I fall asleep watching sub-titled porno…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“DO THE ANIME-TION”

Written By : GBW

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

A huge holographic globe floats above the conference table with representations of heavy orbital traffic around it. Seated around the table are DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, WEAPON M, KIT, DAVE HOWERY, GBW and HENDRYK.

DOCTOR WHAT
So what have we got this time, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
This is fairly interesting.
This Earth is dominated by Japan in every
conceivable way. Politically, economically, culturally…

There’s an immediate uproar from those seated at the table.

DAVE HOWERY
What about the US?!

LANDSHARK
No globe-spanning British Empire?!

HENDRYK
What happened to Zhengguo?!

DOCTOR WHAT
Come on, settle down and let him finish.
How did this happen, Leo?

GBW
And what’s with all the space traffic out there?

LEO CAESIUS
From what I can ascertain, the United States
had an even worse Depression than we knew in OTL,
complete with political strife. Leading scientists in Europe
decided to stay there in this timeline. World War 2 broke out
pretty much on schedule and the US pulled together
just enough after Japan attacked Pearl Harbor.
Apparently Germany saw its inevitable defeat earlier
and sent its advanced jet and rocket technology,
including several leading scientists, to Japan in exchange
for Japanese biological agents. Subsequent use of them
by German forces sent plagues sweeping through Europe,
just about as bad as the arrival of the Black Death in the Middle Ages.
That, in addition to several German atomic bombs expended
on Britain and the USSR, made all of Europe a shell of its
former self. Japan was defeated when the US dropped an atomic
bomb on Tokyo, killing the Emperor and most of his cabinet.
It underwent a disarming and occupation similar to OTL, except
that a Morgenthau-like plan was enabled long enough for the
islands of Shikoku and Hokkaido to be completely de-industrialized
and turned into agrarian-based economies before the plan was
halted. The islands were isolated by the US and reverted to
the feudal era and Tokyo was allowed to remain in ruins.

DOCTOR WHAT
(frowning and stroking goatee)
Hold on, how did Japan come to dominate then?

LEO CAESIUS
Japan, being the country that had directly attacked the
‘disunited’ US, was the only foreign commitment the various
factions could agree on and Europe was left to fend for itself.
Eventually, though, even Japan became too much for the US
and they withdrew in the ’50s to try and set their own country
in order. Japan maintained its pacifist constitution and put minimal
funding into their Self-Defense Forces while pumping money into
various technologies with commercial applications: computers, genetic
engineering, robotics, space travel… they’re all advanced beyond
the level of OTL. Japanese investment into Europe subordinated it
to Japan and Japanese peacekeeping forces finally stabilized the
US under isolationists; Japan is the only one to have trade
relations with the US, known here as the “Hermit Republic.” The
‘Feudal Zones’ in Japan were maintained as testing grounds for new
technologies, especially the genetic engineering, and Tokyo was
eventually refounded and rebuilt as Neo-Tokyo.

GBW
(dryly)
Genetic engineering run amok. Sounds familiar.

Everyone else at the table manages to look indignant at the same time.

Moment of uncomfortable silence follows.

WEAPON M
So… we gonna head down to the surface?

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t we always?
(as everyone stands)
GBW, you stay here. The rest of us will get
some of the others and head down to this
Neo-Tokyo place.

DAVE HOWERY
(excitedly)
I get to go?!

GBW
Oh, come on, Doc.
It’s not like I’ve hacked everything
in sight with an adamantium chainsaw.
(to Dave)
No offense.

DAVE HOWERY
Hmm? Oh, none taken.
(pause)
Hey…

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, when we went down to that
other world ruled by an island nation,
Dave sort’ve came in handy.
No monarchs here, but still…
The principle is the same.

GBW
(with a sigh)
Okay, fine.
Just remember, those new people
wanted to send one of theirs along on
one of these landing parties.

DOCTOR WHAT
You mean the cannon fodder?
(shrugs)
Fine. KIT, go pick one of
them at random or something.

KIT
Ooo! My pick! I think
I know just the one..

DAVE HOWERY
We gotta stop picking up these strays.
For one thing they drink booze that
should be mine. And they always die.

DOCTOR WHAT
Not always….

They all head out.

INT. – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

G.BONE is leaned back in a chair, feet propped carefully up onto the controls and flipping through a Sci-Fi magazine with Boomer of the new Battlestar Galactica on the cover. He flips a page and grins, turns it sideways.

G.BONE
Ah, multiple Boomers…

The door to the Teleportation Room opens abruptly and G.BONE ‘eeps’ and shuts the magazine quickly as the landing party, composed of LANDSHARK, WEAPON M, KIT, DAVE HOWERY, HENDRYK, MATT, IRONYUPPIE and JASON, files in. The ‘regulars’ are all wielding their usual weapons and outfits, while JASON is wearing a tunic with embroidered edging with chain mail over it and has a sword and scramasax at his belt, a longbow slung from shoulder to the opposite hip, a kite shield on his arm and carrying a dane axe in the other hand. KIT is grinning at him and JASON looks understandably nervous. MATT, in his Power Armor, and WEAPON M, festooned with various firearms, are eyeing JASON with visible scorn.

WEAPON M
Right idea, wrong era.
(slaps his Daewoo .223)
What you need is firepower!

MATT
Yeah, what’re you gonna do?
Make pretty swipes with a sword?

WEAPON M and MATT share a raucous laugh while JASON glares at them.

JASON
(under his breath)
Knaves…

KIT
(taking JASON’s arm)
C’mon, boys, be nice.
We’re all trying to make new friends, right?
(winks at JASON)

JASON manages a sickly smile and detaches his arm from KIT. LANDSHARK, meanwhile, is glancing at his watch while G.BONE eyes them and frowns suddenly.

G.BONE
Where’s Doctor What?
Doesn’t he always go on these things?

The Teleportation Room door opens again and everyone looks over. Jaws drop.

DAVE HOWERY
My eyes!

WEAPON M
That’s all sorts of wrong…

LANDSHARK
(thoughtfully)
I could definitely pull that off better.

IRONYUPPIE
Not with a skirt that short, Sharkboy.

HENDRYK
It is not our place to question the Great What!
(ruins the moment by shifting his eyes to the door nervously)

DOCTOR WHAT saunters in, wearing a Japanese schoolgirl outfit.

MATT
Doc…
(gestures at him)
What the hell?

DOCTOR WHAT
What? Just trying to blend in with the worlds.
Go around incognito and stuff.

IRONYUPPIE
Not with that outfit your not.

KIT
(nodding)
You don’t have the legs for it.

DOCTOR WHAT glowers at them all, then looks at JASON.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, well, you don’t think I blend in?
What about this guy? Medieval gear in an ultra-modern Japanese major city?

JASON glares and mutters under his breath some more; sets himself firmly and sticks out his jaw, determined to remain stoic.

DOCTOR WHAT walks onto the pad with the others.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, just set us down in the vicinity of where Tokyo is.

G.BONE
Dude! You’re going to Japan and stuff?
Can I come this time–

G.BONE notices the weird look they’re giving him at the very idea and sighs. He works the controls glumly and everyone vanishes with a pop.

A moment later, warning lights start flashing across the board.

G.BONE
Huh? That never happened before…

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

We see the AH.COM orbiting above the Japanese Home Islands at night, which are lit up with bright lights at the various cities, with the notable exception of two of the islands.

Suddenly, we see a glittering along the atmosphere above Japan, and nine different brightly glowing spots moving about a bit before they converge into one extremely bright spot. With a brief blinding moment, the spot extends upwards into a beam that pierces a space station before blinking out. After a pause, explosions extend outward from where the beam entered and exited the space station; after a few more explosions wrack the space station, the whole thing explodes and rocks the AH.COM slightly.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW paces between the controls and the captain’s chair. Notices the nearby shotgun, looks thoughtful a moment, then shakes his head and sets a hand on the hilt of the Greatsword sheathed at his back as he starts to sit in the chair.

Alarms start sounding and GBW straightens quickly and looks around.

GBW
Leo! What’s going on?!

LEO CAESIUS
I’m not sure. There’s been some sort of energy
discharge from the upper atmosphere that has
destroyed one of the space stations.

GBW
(frowning)
One of their own space stations?
Was there a ship or satellite there?

LEO CAESIUS
Negative. It appears there was an unstable
force field being generated in that area.

The console beeps.

GBW
What now?
(hits a button)

G.BONE (from speaker)
Hello? I’ve got, like, a problem down here.

GBW
What kind of problem?
(pause)
Hold on, wasn’t the landing party supposed
to be leaving right about now?

G.BONE (from speaker)
Yeah, here’s the thing.
I teleported them…
(muttering)
Like I always do…
(coughs)
Well, from what I can tell it was interrupted by something.

GBW
Like what–
(eyes widen)

LEO CAESIUS
Like an unstable force field, I’d surmise.

GBW
(sighing)
Aw shit.
What happened to the landing party then?
Where are they?

EXT. – NEO-TOKYO, JAPAN – NIGHT

We see a wide highway with stone embankments on either side with evenly spaced streetlights and vegetation beyond. In the distance we see downtown Neo-Tokyo, glass and metal buildings that are brightly-lit and shaped as tall towering skyscrapers and the occasional oddity like a dome, pyramid and triangle. There are distant animated advertisements along many of the buildings and, weaving amongst the pinnacles of the buildings, several airships float around waving spotlights back and forth with their own animated advertisements flashing along the balloons.

WEAPON M, DAVE HOWERY and MATT suddenly materialize in the middle of the highway which, fortunately, is conspicuously absent of traffic.

DAVE HOWERY
Did anyone else feel that?
(pause)
Crap, that’s not what I meant Kit–
(looks around)
Hey, where is everybody?

WEAPON M
Beats me. Maybe if we look around–
Hey, airships!

WEAPON M and DAVE HOWERY turn to look at the airships floating around Neo-Tokyo while MATT remains more alert, scanning their surroundings. After a moment, he starts looking off-camera.

MATT
Uh, guys?

DAVE HOWERY
Look at how many there are!

WEAPON M
There were more on that one world
we visited a while back. You know,
the ones with all those doubles–

MATT
Guys!

MATT suddenly shoves them aside and backs up quickly as somebody on a futuristic looking motorcycle that’s very Tron-like, with the exception of the open-air seat, zooms between them. He screeches sideways to a halt, kicking up some sparks in the process, and we see a young Japanese teenager wearing a blue and black leather outfit. He glares at them and revs the engine.

MATT
Hey! Didn’t you see us there?!
Were you trying to run us down?!

JAPANESE TEEN
(insolent smirk)
What if I was?
This is my turf.

MATT
We don’t care about your damn turf!
Just watch where you’re going next time.

JAPANESE TEEN
You got a bad attitude, pops.
Lighten up before your arteries harden.

MATT
(indignantly)
Pops?!

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, why don’t you just beat it, punk?

The teen scowls and pulls a bulky-looking pistol that looks as if a .45 might have been a distant ancestor.

WEAPON M
(raising his assault rifle)
Hey kid, if you haven’t noticed
we’ve got you a bit outnumbered here.

JAPANESE TEEN
(grinning evilly)
Not for long.

The sound of rockets firing suddenly sounds and the AH.Commers look up to see someone in a slender, more agile-looking set of Power Armor lowering down. As he nears the ground, another Japanese teen wearing a bokken outfit, with the short-sleeved white jacket and wide-legged black pants, leaps down from where he was holding on and pulls a katana with what looks like electronics on the hilt. The one in the Power Armor raises an arm and a Gatling-like cannon emerges.

DAVE HOWERY
Aw crap.

EXT. – SHIKOKU ‘FEUDAL ZONE’ – NIGHT

We see a forest clearing at night with tall trees towering overhead, letting in minimal moonlight. Its made up somewhat by the fireflies floating around, giving it an ethereal appearance.

DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK and JASON materialize in the middle of it, sending a few of a fireflies skittering away.

DOCTOR WHAT
Did anyone else feel that?
(pause)
Damn, that’s not what I meant, KIT–
Wait, where is everyone?
(another pause)
This doesn’t look like Neo-Tokyo…

HENDRYK
Indeed not, Great Doctor.

JASON
Mayhaps we have landed
somewhere outside this city?

DOCTOR WHAT
I suppose it’s possible.
(looks around)
Does anyone else hear that?

The three of them look around as they hear a somewhat distant splashing sound. They head towards the sound, DOCTOR WHAT cursing under his breath as they head through the undergrowth. JASON glances at him.

JASON
‘Twould have been better to wear long pants, I’d say.
(smiles)
It would appear I’m the one who blends in now.

DOCTOR WHAT just glares at him.

HENDRYK
How dare you question the Great What?! I–

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly makes a ‘shut up’ gesture; he’s noticed a kimono lying on some rocks and is wearing a goofy grin. After a moment, HENDRYK grins himself and the two nod at each other as JASON frowns. DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK start to sneak towards the splashing noises and take a moment to notice that JASON isn’t following.

DOCTOR WHAT
(low voice)
What’s the hold up?

JASON
I shall not besmirch my honor with such skulkery!
Do as you please, I will await your return.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging)
Suit yourself.

DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK continue on to some nearby bushes and peer over their edge towards a hot spring. Though slightly hazy from the steam rising from it, they can still make out the form of a Japanese woman who is bathing there. DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK gawk until both reach for their noses at the same time.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell?
I got a nosebleed all of a sudden.

HENDRYK
That’s strange, so did I…

HENDRYK reaches into a pocket of his robes, accidentally rustling the bushes in the process.

The Japanese woman looks over sharply and her eyes widen. The camera shifts to a nearby towel as her hand grabs it, then to a stone as she grabs that. Clutching the towel to herself, she winds up with the stone.

WOMAN
(flinging the stone)
Perverts!

DOCTOR WHAT
(as the stone enters the bushes)
Ow!

DOCTOR WHAT staggers upright, holding his shoulder. HENDRYK slowly stands up beside him.

HENDRYK
Ah, now I think we’ve had a misunderstanding here–

The woman cuts him off by screaming and scurrying out of the spring to hide behind some bushes. HENDRYK looks as if he’s trying to make placating gestures when four men wearing samurai armor, two of them minus helmets, rush into the clearing around the hot spring with their katanas drawn.

SAMURAI
What is wrong, Keiko?!
(notices the AH.Commers)
Dishonorable scum! Attacking my sister as she bathes?!

HENDRYK
Wait, that’s not what happened at all–

SAMURAI
Get them!

The samurai rush DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK, katanas raised.

INT. – BATHHOUSE – NIGHT

We see your typical Japanese bathhouse with ceramic tile floors and walls, a pool of water and nearby stools and basins of water for washing before soaking in the pool. Though nobody is around, the water in the pool is obviously still warm from the gentle steam rising from it.

LANDSHARK, KIT and IRONYUPPIE materialize between the pool and the stools.

KIT
(suddenly grinning)
Did anyone else feel that?
(looks around a moment, then his expression falls)
Hey, I don’t see JASON…
or a lot of other people, for that matter.

LANDSHARK
(looking around)
Where the bloody hell are we?

IRONYUPPIE
Looks like a spa.
The sort’ve place the marks
would go to instead of my farm.
(scowls)

LANDSHARK starts to lay a reassuring hand on her shoulder, but a glare from IRONYUPPIE stops him dead and makes him glance away.

Unnoticed, the surface water of the pool starts to swirl slightly behind the AH.Commers. After a moment, three things suddenly break the water and inch towards their ankles. A closer shot and we see that they’re…

TENTACLES!

The shot cuts to a view of the doorway leading to the room; we suddenly hear yelling, screaming and splashing.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW
(nodding thoughtfully)
Scattering effect.
That kind’ve makes sense.
So they could have been sent
all over Japan instead of just Neo-Tokyo?

LEO CAESIUS
I believe that is a reasonable conclusion.
Luckily they weren’t scattered into small bits.

GBW
So can we teleport them up, then?

G.BONE (from speaker)
No way, man!
With that force field over Japan still up,
there’s no way we could beam them directly
back to the ship. They’d probably get scattered
off course to the Moon and other places in the
solar system – or even interstellar space!

Moment of silence as they consider this.

GBW
Hmm… no, I guess not.

LEO CAESIUS
We are receiving a transmission
from one of the Japanese spaceships.
(pause)
It has the Japanese naval ensign on its side.

GBW
(sinking feeling)
Put it on speaker.

VOICE (from speaker)
This is Admiral Kaneda of the
Japanese Space Self-Defense Force.
We detected that burst of energy you
directed at the Home Islands.
Your treacherous attack against Japan
has resulted in the destruction of one of
our orbital manufacturing facilities!
Surrender now or prepare to be fired upon!

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

The view shifts from the AH.COM to a nearby Japanese spaceship. It has numerous spherical turrets with cannons pointing in various directions. Suddenly, they all swivel to point directly at the AH.COM; meanwhile, several fighters that look like advanced versions of OTL carrier jets scramble out from the ship.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LEO CAESIUS
I’m detecting multiple weapons lock signatures.

GBW stares at the main screen which is showing the Japanese spaceship turning to present its broadside towards the AH.COM while the fighters are heading straight for them. GBW hurries over to the pilot’s seat and sits.

GBW
Shields up! Red alert!

LEO CAESIUS
Red alert?

GBW
What? Don’t tell me we don’t have a red alert!

LEO CAESIUS
(after a pause)
Several crewmembers complained that it was too noisy…

GBW
Oh, for Ian’s sake!
Just the shields then!

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

Close up on the Japanese spaceship’s turrets. They open fire.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

Close up on the Japanese spaceship’s turrets. They open fire.

The camera follows the energy blasts as they streak towards the AH.COM and strike the shield, making it visible for a moment.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW holds on to the controls console as the ship rocks from the impact of the blasts, then quickly gets the ship moving.

GBW
I can’t fly this thing and fire
weapons at the same time!
Leo, try and get ahold of
someone to get up here!

INT. – TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SHEEP – DAY

We see the raised dais heaped with pillows and the SHEEP THE SIZE OF A VW CAMPER VAN!!!!!!!! STRAHA is passed out on the pillows in a haze of smoke. The view shifts and we see an extremely weary PYSCHOMELTDOWN taking down a last couple handbills from the doors leading to the Temple.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damned Reformists…

He staggers back towards the dais and, just as he’s about to ease himself onto the pillows next to the SHEEP, we hear a beep.

GBW (from speaker)
Is anyone down there?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(with a sigh)
Oh, come on.
DAVE knows this isn’t my shift…

GBW (from speaker)
It’s not that. I need someone to
handle weapons. Can you get up here?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(as he eases himself onto a pillow)
Sure, just let me sit here a moment and rest for a…
(trails off as he slumps back onto the pillows)

GBW (from speaker)
Hello?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN lets out a snore.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The words ‘Time Passes’ appear briefly.

GBW
Fine, try MICHAEL then!

LEO CAESIUS
Channel open.

GBW
MICHAEL, I need you to get up here and–

MICHAEL (from speaker)
(growling)
Sod off.
(sound of channel being closed)

GBW
(looking harassed)
Damn it! GREY WOLF’s drunk again.
THANDE’s locked himself in his lab.
OTHNIEL’s at Bible study.
TORQUMADA… creeps me out…
And now MICHAEL!

LEO CAESIUS
He has been in a negative mood as of late.
(pause)
Have you tried DIAMOND?

GBW
(looking surprised)
You know, I just haven’t seen him around lately.
Alright, let’s give it a shot.

LEO CAESIUS
Channel open.

GBW
DIAMOND? You there?

Disturbing sound of giggling.

GBW
(warily)
Er… DIAMOND?
Is that you?

DIAMOND (from speaker)
Huh? Oh shit!
(scrambling sounds)
Wow, this thing still works?

GBW
Listen, we’re under attack!

Nothing.

GBW
Ah, red alert?

Nothing.

GBW
Er… General Quarters?

DIAMOND (from speaker)
To the eyeglasses!

GBW
No, not there!
I need you up here in
the Control Room to handle weapons.

DIAMOND (from speaker)
Alright… um, it’ll take me a moment…

GBW
Fine, get some pants on and get up here.

DIAMOND (from speaker)
What the…?!
How did you…?!
Damn your eyes!
(channel’s closed)

Another volley from the Japanese ship makes the view of the Control Room tilt partially sideways and shake for a moment while GBW holds on to the console, then rights itself.

LEO CAESIUS
The Japanese fighters have changed course.
They’re flying directly at us.

GBW
Are they going to try and ram us?

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

We see the white and red Japanese fighters flying directly at the AH.COM, cannons blazing against the shield. As they near the shield, they abruptly brake and the tail and wings transform into arms and legs hanging down from the cockpit, the arms holding a cannon. After a few moments, they transform fully into Mech forms; several of them suddenly launch dozens of missiles from their backs that shoot out towards the AH.COM and explode all along the shields. Several Mechs fly directly at the shield in the wake of the explosions, cannons blazing.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW
(unbelievingly)
They’ve got Mechs?!

LEO CAESIUS
Shields have been weakened all along that side.
The Japanese Mechs are concentrating their fire
and appear to be attempting to punch through
the shield to the hull.
I estimate they’ll break through in less than five minutes.

GBW
We can’t get boarded again!
(pause)
Hold on… I think I know someone
who may be able to help…

EXT. – AH.COM’s HULL – NIGHT

We see the Japanese Mechs hovering inches above the shield, pouring cannon fire into it. Finally, holes grow slowly in the shield and the Mechs streak through towards the hull, the holes slowly closing after them.

Upward shot from the hull as the Mechs descend and land with metallic CLANGs. One of them cocks something on the side of the cannon, causing a high pitched electronic whine that’s followed by a solid beam of energy shooting from the cannon and cutting into the hull. Suddenly, something impacts the cannon and causes it to explode, the rest of the Mech following soon after. The other Mechs turn, their cannons at the ready.

The view shifts to show a battleship gray Mecha-Corvette on one knee on the hull, one arm with the blinking light of a scanner, the other with a missile launcher that’s pointed towards where the Japanese Mech was. The other Mechs open up on the Mecha-Corvette with their cannons and it slides an armor plate back over its scanner, with ‘ISOT’ spraypainted on it, to deflect them as it re-aims its other arm and launches a missile towards the camera.

EXT. – NEO-TOKYO, JAPAN – NIGHT

WEAPON M, DAVE HOWERY and MATT are still facing down the three Japanese teens.

POWER ARMOR TEEN
(superior tone)
What’s going on here, Iwata?
These geezers being disrespectful?

The teen on the motorcycle, Iwata, smirks and aims his pistol at them.

IWATA
They haven’t paid the toll for
crossing through our turf.

MATT
(after peering at them a moment)
These punks are barely older than Urkel!

IWATA
(scowling)
Who you calling a punk, pops?

Iwata revs his motorcycle and fires at MATT with the pistol, the report much louder than your regular pistol shot. MATT staggers as the shot leaves a dent in his Power Armor. WEAPON M looks over in astonishment.

WEAPON M
I want one of those!

The Bokken Teen suddenly squeezes the hilt of his katana and electricity lances out along the blade. He suddenly leaps at DAVE HOWERY, who revs and brings up his adamantium chainsaw in time to block a slash, making sparks fly.

Iwata peels the back tire of his motorcycle until it points straight at WEAPON M, then zooms straight at him. WEAPON M fires his assault rifle and Iwata does a wheelie, blocking the bullets with the motorcycle itself; WEAPON M dives out of the way as it roars past.

The Power Armor Teen leaps into the air, assisted by his rockets, and opens up on MATT with his Gatling-like cannon. MATT rushes out of the way and the bullets chew up the highway behind him; he fires at the teen with his BFG and ‘Tater Cannon and the PA Teen weaves around the shots and continues firing at him.

DAVE HOWERY, meanwhile, is backpedaling and desperately blocking the flurry of slashes the Bokken Teen is aiming at him.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn it! Shouldn’t my chainsaw
be slicing through this thing?!

Bokken Teen suddenly crouches and kicks a leg out, sweeping DAVE HOWERY’s legs out from under him.

DAVE HOWERY
(landing roughly)
Ow! My keys!

Bokken Teen points his katana at DAVE HOWERY and slowly advances upon him.

EXT. – SHIKOKU ‘FEUDAL ZONE’ – NIGHT

Shot of the four samurai as they’re charging DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK. HENDRYK is backing up and trying to pull his sword while DOCTOR WHAT is starting to turn around to run.

Then JASON steps into view.

JASON
Is all well here?
I thought I heard some yelling–

JASON’s eyes widen as he notices the charging samurai, then he drives his dane axe into a nearby tree with a THOCK, pulls his sword and charges at them, yelling incoherantly. He takes the leading samurai’s slash on his kite shield and slashes at him, but is parried by the katana. Another samurai stops to fight JASON, who is forced to take his slashes on his shield while desperately parrying the other samurai’s slashes with his sword.

The other two samurai continue on after DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK. HENDRYK manages to parry the slash of the samurai attacking him. DOCTOR WHAT manages to dodge a slash at him and takes flight, managing to keep a tree between him and the last samurai.

The First Samurai who spoke before continues to slash at JASON.

FIRST SAMURAI
You fight admirably, gaijin.
Why do you defend those lechers?
Let justice be done!

JASON
Nay! They are my comrades,
lechers though they may be.

FIRST SAMURAI
A commendable attitude,
though it will not save you!

A sudden female scream cuts through the battle, bringing it to a halt as the AH.Commers and the samurai turn to see that the Japanese woman, Keiko, is now being held in the clawed hand of a huge, vaguely humanoid creature with green skin and a snout that has a mouth full of fangs.

FIRST SAMURAI
An oni! Keiko, no!

The four samurai, the AH.Commers forgotten, rush towards the Oni and JASON, without hesitating, rushes forward with them.

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

The AH.COM is deftly flying around, trying to avoid most of the Japanese ship’s broadsides as Mechs swarm around outside the shield and the firefight between FLOCCULENCIO’s Mecha-Corvette and the Mechs on the hull is visible from a distance. Particle beams and missiles are firing into the Mechs, occasionally destroying one of them.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room is showing obvious signs of the fight with various loose objects thrown around. DIAMOND is at the weapons console, holding two joysticks and firing at the Mechs via a screen that looks very much like a video game.

DIAMOND
Interrupt my handbill printing, will you!

LEO CAESIUS
Our shields are continuing to weaken,
and they won’t hold out for too much longer.
Energy reserves are draining rapidly as well.

GBW
Damn it! We need to get through that field!
(contemplatively)
Hmm… maybe if we try something like what
those Japanese Mechs used on us. Is it
possible for us to just punch through that
force field, teleport the landing party up,
and get the hell out of here?

LEO CAESIUS
That… could work.
We’d have to concentrate all our fire on
one relatively small portion of the field to
get it to open, then force our way through
with our forward shields at maximum speed.
If we’re quick enough teleporting them up,
we may be able to go back out the hole
we’d create going in.

GBW
Alright. Forward shields to maximum.
DIAMOND, get ready to fire all weapons.
G.BONE, get the teleporters warmed up.
FLOCCULENCIO, hold on to something out there.
It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

DIAMOND
Hey! I do the one-liners around here!

GBW
You do?

DIAMOND
Well… I like to, anyway…

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

The AH.COM swerves back towards Earth and begins picking up speed. The Japanese spaceship attempts to turn with it, but isn’t moving fast enough. As the AH.COM nears the atmosphere, the Mechs outside the shield break away their pursuit. Abruptly, the ship opens up with all its weapons and missiles, making the force field visible. A hole just starts to form when the AH.COM’s forward shields impact it and, after a momentary slowing when the engines sound as if they’re straining, the ship manages to punch through and heads towards Japan, the shields glowing from the ‘reentry’.

EXT. – NEO-TOKYO, JAPAN – NIGHT

MATT tucks and rolls out of the way of a strafing run by the PA Teen, ending up back on his feet and firing after him. PA Teen swoops back around and hovers in midair, firing at MATT, who tries to dodge again. He gets hit in the shoulder, though, causing a trickle of smoke to rise, and the impact makes him accidentally fire off his ‘Tater Cannon. By sheer luck, the potato hits one of the rockets carrying him aloft and plugs it. PA Teen starts to scrabble for it a moment before the rocket explodes and sends him careening off into the distance.

WEAPON M is firing after Iwata with his assault rifle, partially leaning forward and sidestepping to avoid his shots back with his pistol. Suddenly, Iwata wheelies again as the motorcycle roars back towards WEAPON M, then lets it land on both wheels as he continues. WEAPON M tries to dodge, but Iwata stays with him; WEAPON M is about to try and throw himself out of the way when MATT suddenly lunges forward and grabs the front of the motorcyle with a Power Armored hand. The motorcycle stops suddenly and Iwata gets thrown and skids along the highway a bit on his leatherclad back.

Meanwhile, Bokken Teen has just swept DAVE HOWERY’s legs out from under him and is advancing on him with his katana. There’s a sudden BOOM and the katana gets knocked out of his hand; Bokken Teen looks over, startled, at WEAPON M, who’s holding his shotgun.

WEAPON M
(holding his shotgun up)
Alright, you post-modern screwhead, listen up.
See this? This… is my boomstick!
It’s a 12-gauge Mossberg Model 500,
one of WEAPON M’s babies.
(pumps it)
Now get the hell out of here!

Bokken Teen flees off to the side of the road and disapears into the vegetation. MATT glances over at WEAPON M, who’s leaning his shotgun on his shoulder with a smile.

MATT
You’ve been waiting to say that, haven’t you?

WEAPON M
I take the opportunities as they appear.
(reminiscent leer)
Ah, threesomes…

DAVE HOWERY
(getting up)
Don’t start that again!

DAVE HOWERY starts dusting himself off and MATT is checking the status of his Power Armor as WEAPON M glances down, then bends and picks up Iwata’s pistol where he dropped it. He starts to look it over just as they teleport out.

EXT. – SHIKOKU ‘FEUDAL ZONE’ – NIGHT

The Oni backhands one of the samurai with a sweep of its arm, sending him flying into a tree. The remaining three samurai and JASON rush forward and cut at the Oni, who roars in pain and sweeps its arm again. JASON, the First Samurai and another samurai manage to duck, but the other one also gets knocked flying.

DOCTOR WHAT comes out from behind his tree and looks at the battle, then exchanges a glance with HENDRYK. DOCTOR WHAT looks over at the dane axe, back at the Oni, then sighs and shrugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damsel in distress.
Why not?

DOCTOR WHAT braces a leg against the tree and pulls the dane axe out, then nods to HENDRYK who still has his sword. They both rush forward into the battle. HENDRYK is holding his own, but DOCTOR WHAT is taking heavy, unbalanced swings with the dane axe that come closer to hitting the others more than the Oni.

FIRST SAMURAI
The oni is too strong!

The Oni has taken several slashes, but most are superficial due to its tough hide. JASON eyes the situation, then suddenly backs off and sheathes his sword. He grabs his longbow and pulls an arrow from a quiver, then draws it into the longbow, aims, and fires it into the Oni’s eye. DOCTOR WHAT manages to land a blow with his dane axe at the same time. The Oni roars and grabs at its eye with its hands, dropping Keiko in the process. JASON hurries forward and catches her as the Oni abruptly stops roaring, sways a bit, then collapses backward, snapping a couple trees in the process.

JASON sets Keiko on her feet as the two samurai hurry over and congratulate him. Meanwhile, DOCTOR WHAT hears a beep and pulls his communicator.

GBW
(over communicator)
Doc, you need to move everyone
into a clearing so we can teleport
you up. The foliage is too thick there.

DOCTOR WHAT heads over towards JASON, where Keiko is staring at him with eyes shining and hands clasped together under her chin. First Samurai detaches the wakizashi from his belt and pulls it partially to show the mon imprinted in the base of the blade near the hilt.

FIRST SAMURAI
You saved my sister, gaijin.
Take this. Wherever this mon
flies, you will be welcomed as a brother.

JASON
I thank you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, we really need to get going now.

HENDRYK
A gem is not polished without rubbing,
nor a man made perfect without trials.

FIRST SAMURAI
Ah yes, I understand.
Farewell. Perhaps we shall meet again.

HENDRYK
(as they turn to go)
A journey of a thousand li
begins with a single step.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voice)
Enough already.

DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK and JASON start walking into a clearing towards the sun which is finally starting to rise. A wind picks up and blows some cherry blossoms from the trees to obscure camera’s view of them, during which we hear the sound of the teleporter. When the blossoms clear, they’re gone.

INT. – BATHHOUSE – DAY

The shot opens again on the doorway leading to the room with the AH.Commers. We still hear the yelling, screaming and splashing. However, suddenly we see several tentacles moving through the doorway, grabbing the edges of it.

IRONYUPPIE
(off camera)
Where do you think you’re going?!

An electric Chinese Yo-Yo comes into view and lands on one of the tentacles, shocking all of them. The tentacles then get pulled back through the doorway.

KIT (OC)
(horrified)
Do you always carry around frozen poultry?!

LANDSHARK (OC)
(confused)
Doesn’t everyone?

KIT (OC)
I think I’m going to be sick…

We hear additional thwacks, splashing and unearthly squealing before the teleporter sounds.

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – DAY

The AH.COM, which was a good distance above Japan, swoops back upwards towards the force field. The hole is still there, though its shrinking slowly. The ship lets loose with more weapons along the edges of it, then zooms through into space. A few last broadsides from the Japanese spaceship follow them as they move into deeper space.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

LEO CAESIUS
FLOCCULENCIO has made it back into the ship.
However, several Japanese Mechs are still on the hull.

GBW
No time, we’ll just have to shift with them there.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The swirling red vortex appears and the AH.COM, with the flashes of the Mechs still on the hull firing, zooms into it.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – MESS HALL – NIGHT

Numerous AH.Commers are grouped together in a clump of tables, talking. The camera pans along them, picking up different conversations.

FLOCCULENCIO
By the way, what happened to those Mechs?

GBW
Not sure, really.
They were there when we went into
the vortex and were suddenly gone
when we went out. Could be they’re
trapped between universes.

DAVE HOWERY is examining his adamantium chainsaw, scowling.

MATT
Give it up already. The chainsaw’s fine.
That sword was just… advanced or something.

DAVE HOWERY
But it’s supposed to cut through anything!
Anything!!

MATT sidles away from him and glances over at pistol WEAPON M is holding, the one who grabbed from Neo-Tokyo.

MATT
So what kind of ammo does
that thing take anyway?

WEAPON M
(frustrated)
I don’t know! There’s no clip
or loading chamber! I don’t even
know how many shots the thing has left.

WEAPON M slams the pistol onto the table in front of them, making it go off. We hear glass shattering.

TORQUMADA (OC)
Oh, God!
Bobo!
I just repaired him!
Noooo!!!

WEAPON M
Er… oops.

DOCTOR WHAT is kicking back, having a drink, while HENDRYK, who looks as if he’s had a few too many, is swaying where he sits. JASON is nearby, running a whetstone along the edge of the wakizashi.

HENDRYK
A ballad is needed!
A great battle epic, regaling listeners
with the story of how the Great Doctor What
landed the death blow upon the foul beast!

JASON
(looking up)
What? But I’m the one who–

DOCTOR WHAT
A fine idea, Archbishop!
One more great deed to
add to that book you’re writing.

HENDRYK
“The Great Doctor What,
who from death arose
did strike with dane axe
the foul beast that did
attack the desperate damsel…”

JASON just shakes his head and goes back to sharpening the wakizashi.

IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK are chatting while KIT sits a short distance away, looking pale and rocking slightly.

KIT
I never thought I’d feel sorry
for a multi-tentacled monster…
the horror… oh, the horror!

IRONYUPPIE
Jebus, that thing was grabby.

LANDSHARK
Wish I’d brought my camera.
It looks like WEAPON M and that
new fellow managed to bring back souvenirs.

IRONYUPPIE
Who said I didn’t?

INT. – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

We see a door with a heft, medieval lock on it with a name plate reading ‘Erikka IronYuppie’. Through it, we hear screaming and an unearthly squealing.

REDROVER (OC)
What the hell is that thing?!

DRACONISNOIR (OC)
Who cares! The tentacles are everywhere!
Run and keep your orifices covered! AHHHH!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS