TEASER
INT. – DUNGEON ROOM – DAY
We see a large dingy dungeon. There’s a large open pit near the camera. Surrounding us on many sides are numerous well-used implements of torture. We see DOCTOR WHAT tied to a wall with metal chains. He’s wearing nothing except a pair of boxer shorts. Standing before him is a tall, statuesque and extremely attractive redheaded woman wearing a costume that can best be described as a dominatrix costume combined with a regal Queen’s robe with a bit of a spider motif thrown in for good measure. This is QUEEN ARACHNIA. She leans in close to DOCTOR WHAT.
DOCTOR WHAT
(striking typical heroic pose)
Ha! You won’t get any information out of me, Queen Arachnia!
QUEEN ARACHNIA
(practically purring)
Foolish Bruno—thinking you can resist me.
Soon all of your secrets will belong to me.
(trails her long red fingernails through DOCTOR WHAT’s chest hair)
You think that you are the first to say those
words to me? Many before you have said that—
and all gave up their secrets to me. Why do
you think that the people of this world call
me the Mistress of Pain and Delight?
(leans closer to DOCTOR WHAT)
I will take you to heights of such exquisite pain
undreamed of by your feeble imagination. You
will have …things…done to you that have
shattered men’s minds. You will be taken to
the very brink of ecstasy—the likes of which
most mortal men only dream of achieving. I will
have you weeping with joy and begging for
just one minute more of my attention. You will
become my slave.
My plaything.
My puppet.
My toy.
To do with as I wish.
DOCTOR WHAT
(long beat)
Oh, wow. Can I get my own apartment?
(shakes head)
No! Forget it! I’ll resist with every fiber
of my being! Do your worst to me!
QUEEN ARACHNIA
Ah! A challenge!
(pulls out a rather large barbed whip)
ANGLE: DUNGEON ROOM DOOR
The dungeon door gets kicked open. We see KIT, IRONYUPPIE and MATT come rushing in.
KIT
We’ve come to rescue you, Doc!
DOCTOR WHAT
(annoyed)
No—it’s ok, guys! You don’t have to be here!
You REALLY don’t have to be here! I have
the situation well in hand. You can go away now!
(pleadingly)
Please.
KIT
Oh my God—she’s using some kind of
mind control thing on him! Get her!
QUEEN ARACHNIA steps forward with her whip and starts waving it in front of the AH.commers. She’s extremely good at it –with some truly impressive moves that keep the AH.commers at bay for a full minute. MATT and KIT are frantically ducking and weaving to avoid the strikes while IRONYUPPIE just stands there getting increasingly more and more annoyed. Finally, in the middle of a truly impressive circus crack move by QUEEN ARACHNIA with her whip, IRONYUPPIE yanks out her electrified Yo-Yo of Death and throws it at her.
The Yo-Yo wraps around QUEEN ARACHNIA several times. She stumbles around the room—and falls headfirst down the open pit. We hear a very, very, very long scream—followed by a very faint thud.
KIT rushes to DOCTOR WHAT
KIT
(Cutting chains with some cutters)
Oh, Bruno! Thankfully we got here in time!
Who knows what that woman would have
done to you!
DOCTOR WHAT
(pondering)
Yeah—who knows…
(gets out of chains—walks away)
MATT
Good to see you again, Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah—whatever…
DOCTOR WHAT walks over to a pile of his clothes and picks them up and wordlessly walks out of the dungeon.
KIT
(smiling)
You see that? He’s speechless with happiness!
FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“AH.COM: THE (sorta-kinda-maybe) NEXT GENERATION”
Written By : DOCTOR WHAT
ACT I
EXT. – DEEP SPACE – SHUTTLE – DAY
We see the shuttle ‘Long John Baldry’ fly by.
INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY
We see MATT and KIT at the controls. DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE are seated in the back. IRONYUPPIE is polishing her Yo-Yo. DOCTOR WHAT is staring out a porthole, looking depressed. He lets out a deep sigh.
IRONYUPPIE
Eh–What’s up, Doc?
(smiles)
DOCTOR WHAT
(missing the joke completely)
You ever wonder what’s the point, IY?
IRONYUPPIE
What point?
DOCTOR WHAT
Us. The crew. The ship. The whole traveling
through the multiverse thingy. You ever stop
to wonder what’s the point?
MATT and KIT catch some of this conversation.
MATT
Dude—are you feeling okay?
KIT
(grinning)
Maybe he needs another
session with Mistress Olga?
MATT
(mildly shocked)
What—again? That would make
it 37 times this year…
DOCTOR WHAT
42 actually but that’s not it—you guys ever wonder
why we even bother with this anymore? I mean—
it’s the same thing every time—we come across
a TL, we try to do something useful but we end up
pissing someone off instead and we end up nearly
trashing the ship or getting killed. I mean, really—
it’s starting to sound like we’re in some really bad
science fiction weekly TV show or something.
Where’s the big payoff at the end of the day?
MATT
Oh c’mon now—we’ve done a lot of good! We have
actually toppled a few totalitarian evil empires!
KIT
We’ve met lots of interesting people!
IRONYUPPIE
I found myself this Yo-Yo!
MATT
I got laid oodles of times!
IRONYUPPIE and KIT snicker.
MATT
What?
(a beat)
Fine. A few times.
IRONYUPPIE and KIT snicker even louder.
MATT
(glaring)
The potential lies out there…
Somewhere.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
I suppose you’re right. Still—I feel like we’re
missing something…something meaningful…
something important…something worthwhile…
KIT
Like what?
DOCTOR WHAT
Tachyon Twister.
MATT
Hey man—KIT is the kinky one, not me…
I just like to watch…
DOCTOR WHAT
No—that!
(points)
EXT. – SHUTTLE – DAY
We see a large multicolored whirlpool rapidly making its way towards the shuttle.
INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY
Alarms are going off.
MATT
What the hell?! Controls are jammed!
I can’t steer!
KIT
That…whatever…is causing all kinds of
interference with our electrical systems!
It’s dragging us in too!!
MATT
Brace for impact!
Five seconds….
EXT. – SHUTTLE – DAY
We see the shuttle get dragged into the whirlpool. It swirls around the edge several times rapidly picking up speed and getting closer and closer to the mouth. Finally, now spinning so fast that’s it’s just a blur, it falls through the mouth—and vanishes.
EXT. – SOMEPLACE ELSE-DEEP SPACE – DAY
We see a white light appear. Out of the light erupts the shuttle. It’s flying very fast and is spinning completely out of control. It flies towards the camera and then past us. We see a reverse view of the shuttle spinning and twisting away from us. We slowly pan up to see…the AH.COM ship.
But it looks different. It’s slightly bigger and is a different color. There are all kinds of new devices attached to the hull of the ship. A bright blue beam shoots out of the hull towards the out of control shuttle, slowing it down. The shuttle is slowly pulled towards a shuttle bay door. The door closes once the shuttle is safely aboard and the AH.COM ship suddenly speeds off.
INT. – MED BAY – DAY
We see DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE, KIT and MATT lying on beds. They slowly wake up.
VOICE (OS)
Ah—you’re awake! Great!
We see a young man standing at attention at one end of the room.
YOUNG MAN
If you would excuse me for a moment..
(pulls out a comm unit )
Captain-our guests are awake.
CAPTAIN’S VOICE (OS)
Excellent LUAKEL! Bring them up here asap!
LUAKEL
(putting away comm unit )
If you would come with me please-
MATT
Hang on—what the hell is going on here?
Where are we? What is this-
LUAKEL
Please—all your questions will be answered
in just a few minutes. Please just follow me…
The four AH.commers look at one another and then reluctantly follow.
INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY
We see the four AH.commers and LUAKEL walking. MATT leans in towards DOCTOR WHAT.
MATT
(sotto voice)
Doc—this ship—it looks nearly identical to ours.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
(sotto voice)
But with a few slight differences…
They enter a lift. LUAKEL is staring at the AH.commers quite intensely as it moves.
KIT
Er…is there a problem?
LUAKEL
(smiling)
Nope! Nope! Just really glad
to finally meet all of you…
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? You know us?
LUAKEL
Of course! All of us know about the original –
(trails off)
–uh—never mind. Like I said, all will be—
DOCTOR WHAT
–explained in a few minutes. Right.
INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
Doors open up and the AH.commers step out into the CONTROL ROOM. In the captain’s seat is a tall statuesque blonde woman in her late 20’s. Next to her is a tall lanky black haired man, presumably the first officer, also in his late 20’s. There are several other crewmembers scattered about—all standing at attention. The man and woman steps forward.
WOMAN
(shaking hands with everyone but hugging IRONYUPPIE)
Welcome! Welcome! It’s really wonderful to meet you!
MAN
(also shaking hands with everyone)
I can’t describe what an honour
it is to meet all of you!
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—this is all very nice but would someone
please explain to us what’s going on here?
WOMAN
Oh dear—where are my manners? Allow me to
introduce my crew. Our helm officer
(nodding towards a young female)
This is KILNGIRL. Our navigator.
(nodding towards a young man)
This is MIKE STEARNS. And our science officer.
(nodding towards another young man)
This is FORUM LURKER.
KILNGIRL/MIKE STEARNS/FORUM LURKER
(together)
Honour to meet you.
WOMAN
(continuing)
And I am IRONSHARK
MAN
And I am LANDYUPPIE
DOCTOR WHAT
(smirking)
That’s interesting—we have two
crewmembers with similar names-
IRONSHARK
We know—IRONYUPPIE
(nodding at IRONYUPPIE)
LANDYUPPIE
-and LANDSHARK.
IRONSHARK
There’s a good reason for that
-we’re their twin children.
Long pause from the AH.commers.
DOCTOR WHAT
(quiet horrified voice)
Oh good god—they reproduced….
MATT
Oh, sweet, Jesus…
KIT faints.
IRONYUPPIE
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IRONSHARK and LANDYUPPIE practically leap back.
IRONSHARK
Er—well—you see—you are no
longer in your original time period.
LANDYUPPIE
You have, in fact, ended up in the future.
30 years into the future to be precise.
Very long pause.
DOCTOR WHAT
You know—on any other day,
this would be quite strange…
MATT
(shocked)
You don’t find THIS strange?
DOCTOR WHAT
We are a ship full of semi-alcoholic porn obsessed lunatics
that barely get along with one another; we have travelled
through hundreds of different timelines; we worship giant
sheep, goats and a bartender of a pub as gods; we’ve been
turned into zombies; attacked by space monsters; fought
evil versions of ourselves and have been exposed to more
mind altering substances in the last 6 months than most
people consume in a lifetime. And now we’ve travelled
30 years into the future.
MATT
Well—when you put it like that…
It’s almost like a slow Sunday, really.
IRONYUPPIE
(turning to IRONSHARK)
So—where are us?
The future ones, that is?
IRONSHARK and LANDYUPPIE exchange a glance.
IRONSHARK
I think we should explain a few things….
INT. – AH.COM – BATTLE ROOM – DAY
We see all of the AH.commers sitting at a large conference table with a few ‘new’ crewmembers (LUAKEL and FORUM LURKER) . IRONSHARK is standing before them, talking.
IRONSHARK
It all started about 28 years ago.
During the ASB War.
MATT
ASB? What the hell is an ASB?
IRONSHARK
Alien Space Bats. Mean evil bastards.
They took over the Hub and from there
began causing Timelines to be ripped to
shreds, for reasons only known to them.
IRONYUPPIE
You gotta be kidding me.
IRONSHARK
Nope. They caused all sorts of hell to
many Timelines. They could have
destroyed the Multiverse if they hadn’t
been stopped.
DOCTOR WHAT
Destroy the Mulitverse?
(confused look)
That’s impossible. Nothing could do that.
IRONSHARK
It almost did happen. And they would have
succeeded if it wasn’t for you, Doctor What.
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? How so?
IRONSHARK
You managed to convince the CF.NET ship to join
sides with you. ‘Enemy of my enemy is my friend’
and all that. Together, the two groups managed to
defeat ASBs before they could cause irreparable
damage to the Multiverse. You saved not just a few
people, but countless billions of universes. But it
was done at a terrible price.
LUAKEL and FORUM LURKER bow their heads.
IRONSHARK
A lot of the crew on both ships were killed in the process.
They realized that, despite their differences, they could
work together. So the surviving members amalgamated
what was left of the two ships and made this one—the
new and improved AH.COM ship. Since then, we’ve
picked up quite a few new crewmembers -
FORUM LURKER and LUAKEL wave.
IRONSHARK
(cont.)
–and, of course, some of the crew
paired up and had children.
IRONYUPPIE frowns and folds her arms across her chest.
IRONYUPPIE
(muttering)
I’ll need a pair of rusty scissors…
DOCTOR WHAT
So—did I survive the ASB War?
IRONSHARK
Yes, but you—
(trails off)
–uh, you ….er….died 2 years later.
DOCTOR WHAT
(gasping)
How?!
IRONSHARK
Uh—well, you died due to —
(incoherent mumbling)
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? Say again—
IRONSHARK
(hesitantly)
Um…autoerotic asphyxiation actually…
(beat)
Nobody was ever able to find an explanation
for the 127 kumquats found next to your body…
AH.commers are sitting quietly at the table trying to process all of this.
IRONSHARK
Please! It’s not all depressing news! Thanks to your
example and your sacrifices, this next generation
AH.com ship travels throughout the multiverse doing
much the same thing that you used to do.
IRONYUPPIE
Piss off the locals and nearly get our asses kicked?
IRONSHARK
(shocked)
Mother, Please!
(composing herself)
No—we do good. Or rather—
(strikes absolutely ridiculous heroic pose)
We Do Good.
(light glints off a tooth *ding*)
IRONYUPPIE
(long beat)
You sure you’re not the
Doc’s cloning experiment?
IRONSHARK
LUAKEL—can you please escort
our guests back to their quarters?
AH.commers leave—leaving only IRONSHARK and FORUM LURKER in the room.
IRONSHARK
You think they bought it?
FORUM LURKER
Hook, line and sinker
IRONSHARK
(steeples fingers)
Excellent……
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. – AH.COM CREW QUARTERS – DAY
We see the entire group of AH.commers sitting around a table.
DOCTOR WHAT
So—what do you think?
MATT
(grins)
I’d do Ironshark in a heartbeat.
IRONYUPPIE
(glares)
That’s my daughter you’re talking about…
(a beat)
Something about this doesn’t seem right.
KIT
(grins)
I’d do Landyuppie in a heartbeat.
DOCTOR WHAT
(trying herd to ignore KIT’s comment)
What do you mean?
IRONYUPPIE
They grab us. They know that we are from the past.
Not only do they NOT send us back into the past as
soon as they can, but they tell us in great detail what’s
happened in the last 30 years. Didn’t any of these
guys ever watch Star Trek? What about the whole
‘altering the timeline’ dangers?
MATT
Maybe they don’t watch Star Trek?
Ironshark would look great in a red
miniskirt and black hose though…
(grins)
IRONYUPPIE
Keep it in your pants, MATT.
Or I’ll lop it off with a butter knife.
(to Doctor What)
I still think they’re hiding something.
DOCTOR WHAT
So—what do we do?
MATT
I say we do some recon. If we’re just being
paranoid, then we apologize for sneaking
around. If there is something going on, then
we’re prepared.
DOCTOR WHAT
Sounds like a plan—any suggestions
where to check out?
MATT
Me and KIT check out engineering and
Ironshark’s -
(IronYuppie glares)
Uh…the lower decks- you and IronYuppie
check out the upper decks and the Control Room.
DOCTOR WHAT
Great. We report back here in
an hour and compare notes.
INT.-CORRIDOR – DAY
We see IRONYUPPIE and DOCTOR WHAT walking down a corridor.
IRONYUPPIE
So—where are we going?
DOCTOR WHAT
Break into the ship’s computer and access the logs.
They should give us a good background about what’s
been happening here. No offence—but I don’t trust
what your kids have been saying.
IRONYUPPIE
Does this have anything to do
with you and the kumquats?
DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
We are NOT to discuss kumquats
ever again, ok?!
They continue walking down the corridor.
DOCTOR WHAT
Er—IRONYUPPIE—tell me—what do you
think about you and Sharky having kids?
Long pause as IRONYUPPIE thinks about this.
IRONYUPPIE
I always thought that I’d just clone myself.
That or have him be the one to carry the kid
for nine months. Pregnancy makes my thighs fat.
(beat)
Plus it makes me ten times
more bitchy and homicidal.
DOCTOR WHAT stops and contemplates this image for a moment. He mouths the words ‘Oh God’ and faints, falling face forward onto the deck. IRONYUPPIE rolls her eyes in disgust.
INT. – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY
We see KIT and MATT walking down a corridor.
KIT
So, MATT—what do you think about
this whole ‘travelling into the future’ thing?
MATT
Meh—we’ve had stranger things happen to us.
KIT
Still—it would be cool to see our future selves.
Imagine what it would be like to get advice
from your future self. What would you think
your future self would say to you?
MATT
Don’t get old.
And get laid more often.
MATT suddenly comes to an abrupt stop. KIT walks into his back.
KIT
Ouch! Hey-why did you–?
MATT
Shhhh! Do you see what it says on that sign?
We see close-up of sign -‘BRIG’
KIT
(confused)
Er—why the hell would our ship
need a brig of all things?
(contemplates this for a second)
Ok—let me rephrase that—why would
our ship need a brig if, by all rights, our
entire crew would be thrown into it
and left to rot there?
MATT
(smiling)
Let’s find out, eh?
They walk off down the corridor.
INT. – CORRIDOR – DOCTOR WHAT’S ROOM – DAY
We see the door to DOCTOR WHAT’s quarters broken open. We pan inside to see DOCTOR WHAT sitting at a computer station typing frantically away. IRONYUPPIE is pacing back and forth behind him, nonchalantly swinging her Yo-Yo back and forth.
IRONYUPPIE
Doc—you really need to start losing
some weight! You must have weighed
a good 140 pounds there!
DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging)
Sorry—I eat lots of donuts when I’m depressed….
IRONYUPPIE
Just as long as you’re clear on the idea that just
because I carried your sorry ass over the thres-
hold it doesn’t mean we’re married or anything.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Understood.
(sotto voice-contemplatively)
I wonder who would wear
the penis in that family….
INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY
We see a red flashing light on a console panel. FORUM LURKER stares at the light for a second, frowns and motions over LANDYUPPIE. LANDYUPPIE presses a few buttons and stares grimly at the results. He presses another button.
LANDYUPPIE
DARKSLAVIK and DARKEST90—
report to DOCTOR WHAT’s old quarters.
We have an unauthorized entry there.
Bring the intruders here.
(beat)
Use of unnecessary force in the apprehension
of the intruders have been approved.
INT. – CORRIDOR – BRIG – DAY
We see KIT and MATT poke their heads around a corner. They see LAURANTHALAS sitting at a monitor station looking extremely bored. MATT and KIT stare at each other for a second, nod their heads and rush out.
LAURANTHALAS
(seeing them)
What the fu-?!
KIT and MATT tackle LAURANTHALAS and knock him to the ground. KIT drags the now unconscious LAURANTHALAS to a corner of the room while MATT seats himself behind the monitor.
MATT
Let’s see who we have here…
(types a few commands)
(looks over the info for a few seconds)
(gasps in shock)
Holy Shit!
KIT
What? What did you find?
MATT
You’re not going to believe this…
KIT
What?
Porn?
MATT
Not only that!
Look.
KIT
(looks at computer monitor)
Oh, my…
INT . – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is staring at the computer screen. He suddenly lets out a shocked gasp.
DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell?! IRONYUPPIE –you gotta read this!
IRONYUPPIE walks over and reads the screen over DOCTOR WHAT’s shoulder. She raises an eyebrow in surprise and turns to face DOCTOR WHAT.
IRONYUPPIE
My ungrateful kids instigated a mutiny and
seized control of the ship seven years ago?!
(sotto voice)
Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it…
There’s the sound of blaster guns powering up behind them.
VOICE
FREEZE!
DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE slowly turn to see DARKSLAVIK and DARKEST90 –with half a dozen other goons—at the entrance way. All have rather large guns aimed at them.
DARKSLAVIK
(sneering)
Go ahead—just give me an excuse to open fire….
DARKEST90
I say we shoot them anyway….
DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE exchange a glance and slowly raise their hands over their heads. We notice that—unseen by the gang of goons—DOCTOR WHAT drops his comm unit onto the floor.
Tight on comm unit We see a flashing green light on the comm unit .
INT. – BRIG – DAY
MATT is at the Brig doors. He’s fiddling around with the access controls. After a few seconds, we hear an acknowledging beep and the doors open. He goes to the entrance of the brig.
MATT
It’s ok—we’ve come to rescue you!
FAMILIAR VOICE
Eh? What? That sounds like MATT.
Always liked that kid—had a good head
on his shoulders for a Bloody Colonial…
ANOTHER FAMILIAR VOICE
What do you expect? Semper Fi – Blah – Blah – Blah.
Too bad he’s dead and we’re going insane.
FAMILIAR VOICE
Aye. With only you to talk to,
it was bound to happen sooner or later.
ANOTHER FAMILIAR VOICE
I’ll take that as a compliment.
Hey. Look. The door’s open.
We hear sounds of shuffling. A few seconds later GREY WOLF and GRIMM REAPER appear at the entranceway. They both have long bushy beards and balding heads. They blink at the bright lights.
GREY WOLF
(staring at KIT and MATT)
Fuck—it IS you!
(confused)
I don’t understand–both of
you are suppose to be-
GRIMM REAPER
GREY WOLF! Look at them!
They still look like kids! We
have gone insane!
(begins laughing insanely)
MATT
Actually—we’re from the past.
Thirty years to be precise.
KIT
What happened here?
GREY WOLF and GRIMM REAPER stare at one another for a second. They look back at them.
GREY WOLF
Huh?
(stares, looking confused)
What happened?
(long beat)
Fucking addled memory butt
GRIMM REAPER
After the ASB War, we joined forces. All went
pretty well until about a few years back, when
IRONYUPPIE’s kids took over. They threw us
in the brig and we’ve been stuck in there ever since.
MATT and KIT exchange a glance.
KIT
Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, huh?
MATT’s comm unit starts beeping. He pulls it out.
COMM UNIT VOICE
…taking you straight to the Control Room.
The captain will take care of you herself.
(muffled voice of DOCTOR WHAT)
What are they going to do with us?
(muffled first voice)
You’ll find out soon enough.
(muffled voice of IRONYUPPIE)
Hey—she won’t do anything
to her own mother, would she?
(muffled first voice—barely audible)
Are you kidding? You should have seen what
she did to LANDSHARK. Man—I didn’t even
know you can use an apple like that on a….
(Voice becomes completely inaudible)
MATT fiddles with the comm unit for a few seconds. Nothing but static can be heard. He shuts the comm unit off.
MATT
We’ve got a problem.
GREY WOLF and GRIMM REAPER exchange a glance.
GREY WOLF/GRIMM REAPER
(together)
We’ve got a plan.
INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
We see IRONSHARK and LANDYUPPIE standing in front of the captured DOCTOR WHAT and IRONYUPPIE. FORUM LURKER, KILNGIRL and MIKE STEARNS are at their posts. DARKSLAVIK and DARKEST90 are standing near the Control Room entrance with their weapons at the ready.
IRONSHARK
You couldn’t just leave well enough alone,
could you? Could you?! Now I’m going to
have to kill you!
(beat)
Again!
IRONYUPPIE
Ungrateful little brat! You are so going to
get an ass whipping when all this is over!
LANDYUPPIE
Not going to work this time, mother! We’ve been
running this ship for the last seven years and we’re
not going to let some overweight, over the hill,
bleached blonde, Valkyrie wannabe spoil a good thing!
DOCTOR WHAT
(covering his face)
Oh dear God in Heaven…
IRONYUPPIE moves to smack LANDYUPPIE but DARKSLAVIK stuns her with a blast from his rifle, knocking her to the ground. DOCTOR WHAT picks her up.
IRONSHARK
What happened to the old IRONYUPPIE, mother?
The one who kicked ass like no tomorrow? The one
that entire armies feared? The one that both the
CF.NET and the Fallen gangs hesitated to take on?
I was hoping that we could join forces. Think of all
the fun we could have had together!
DOCTOR WHAT
Why didn’t you think of that before
you killed her the first time?
IRONSHARK suddenly moves within an inch of DOCTOR WHAT’s face.
IRONSHARK
(practically screaming)
Don’t get smart with me, Doc! You may have had this
unerring ability to get out of tight spots through sheer
dumb luck before but you’re on my ship now!
(turns to DARKSLAVIK and DARKEST90)
Get over here and shoot this idiot in the head!
(turns to IRONYUPPIE)
You get to watch him die!
DARKSLAVIK and DARKEST90 walk over to DOCTOR WHAT. DARKEST90 forces DOCTOR WHAT to his knees. DARKSLAVIK pulls out a small hand laser and puts it to the back of DOCTOR WHAT’s head.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wait! Don’t I at least get a last request?
IRONSHARK
No.
DARKSLAVIK looks at IRONSHARK for approval. IRONSHARK nods her head grimly.
TIGHT ON THE BLASTER:
We see the trigger slowly being squeezed.
INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
We see four shimmering cylinders of light suddenly appear and coalesce into MATT, KIT, GREY WOLF and GRIMM REAPER. All of them are carrying BFGs.
DARKSLAVIK stares at the four teleporting individuals in complete shock.
The four open fire with their BFGs. DARKSLAVIK is hit by a blast from KIT’s gun, DARKEST90 is hit with a blast from MATT, FORUM LURKER goes down from a hit from GRIMM REAPER while GREY WOLF takes out MIKE STEARNS. IRONSHARK and LANDYUPPIE dive for cover behind a computer console while KILNGIRL ducks for cover behind the navigational station. DR.WHAT rolls towards a wall—and smacks headfirst into IRONYUPPIE’s lap, who was also using the wall for cover.
IRONYUPPIE glares down at DOCTOR WHAT, who’s face is buried firmly in her crotch.
IRONYUPPIE
(angrily)
Doc—if I feel so much as one drop
of drool from you down there….
DOCTOR WHAT
Mffft! Mfft! Mmmmftt!
(raises head from crotch)
Understood.
(buries head back in crotch)
IRONSHARK pops her head out from behind the computer console, a blaster in her hand. MATT pushes KIT out of the way and the two fall into a heap. GREY WOLF fires a shot at IRONSHARK. She ducks behind the console and the shot slams into it instead, raising a shower of sparks and small half-molten pieces in every direction. LANDYUPPIE pops his head out and takes a shot at GRIMM REAPER, hitting him in the arm and causing him to fall to the ground. MATT fires a shot at LANDYUPPIE from his prone position, hitting him in the shoulder. LANDYUPPIE screams and falls to the ground, dropping his weapon in the process. DOCTOR WHAT rolls away from IRONYUPPIE, picks up the dropped gun and then continues to roll towards the navigational station. KILNGIRL pops her head out with a gun in her hand—and sees DOCTOR WHAT in front of her with a gun pointed at her head.
DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t even think about it.
MATT has LANDYUPPIE covered with his gun. KIT crawls over to GRIMM REAPER. He looks at the wound on his arm.
GRIMM REAPER
(grimacing with pain)
Give it to me straight!
Am I going to make it?
KIT
You’ll live but you’ll never play
Vampire Bloodlines ever again.
GRIMM REAPER
(screaming)
Noooooooo!
GREY WOLF
Give it up IRONSHARK!
There’s no chance for escape!
(long pause)
IRONSHARK?
IRONYUPPIE
Kitty—give me your gun!
KIT throws IRONYUPPIE his BFG. She catches it in midair and with one smooth move, rolls to the computer console and stands up, weapon armed. She looks behind the console.
IRONYUPPIE
Damn! She’s gone! There’s a freaking
trap door here! I’m going in!
With an almost feral growl, IRONYUPPIE throws herself down the open trapdoor, ignoring the shouts of protest from the rest of the AH.commers.
INT. – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
We see IRONYUPPIE drop down, still carrying her BFG. She runs down the corridor.
INT. – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY
We see IRONSHARK inside a shuttle going through the start up list. A blast from a BFG blows a hole into the canopy of the shuttle. IRONSHARK stares out to see IRONYUPPIE holding a BFG in her hands and having a very grim look on her face.
IRONYUPPIE
Out.
Now.
(beat)
This is your mother talking!
IRONSHARK smiles and raises her hands and slowly walks out of the shuttle.
IRONSHARK
Hey mom—you wouldn’t shoot your own child now,
would you? Especially an unarmed child? Besides—
admit it—you really want to smack me one right now.
Well—let’s do it. Here’s your chance.You and me.
Mano a mano—or rather womano a womano….
(smirks)
IRONYUPPIE stares at IRONSHARK for a few seconds. Nods her head.
IRONYUPPIE
Fine!
(slowly places her gun on the ground)
IRONSHARK
Great!
The two start circling one another, looking for an opening. A few half-hearted punches and kicks are made at each other to test their defences and reactions. They keep circling.
IRONSHARK
I must warn you, mom, that there’s two
things you should know about me-
One: I have studied every form of
martial arts in the known multiverse.
IRONYUPPIE
And the second?
IRONSHARK
(pulls out a small handgun and grins)
I cheat.
IRONYUPPIE
What a coincidence—so do I!
(looks at BFG on the ground)
IRONSHARK looks at the BFG that IRONYUPPIE dropped that’s lying about 15 feet away from her.
TIGHT ON BFG:
We see the word “OVERLOAD” flashing rapidly on a display panel.
IRONSHARK
Aw Fu-
Massive explosion occurs, knocking both of them to the ground. For a few moments we see nothing but smoke. Slowly the air clears. IRONSHARK hesitantly gets up—only to be face to face with IRONYUPPIE, looking extremely pissed.
IRONSHARK
You wouldn’t hit your own daughter now, would you?
(does ‘innocent puppy look’ at her)
IRONYUPPIE
(beat)
I’ve always hated the saying
“Spare the rod, spoil the child”.
(punches out IRONSHARK)
ANGLE SHUTTLE BAY:
We see DOCTOR WHAT running across the shuttle bay. He sees IRONSHARK fall to the ground unconscious. He slowly walks up to IRONYUPPIE.
IRONYUPPIE is staring down at IRONSHARK. DOCTOR WHAT stares down at her as well. IRONYUPPIE and DOCTOR WHAT look at each other for a moment.
IRONYUPPIE
Is this kind of crap going to happen to
us every time we travel through time?
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head gravely)
I’m afraid so.
(beat)
Hey–look at the bright side—at least you
don’t have to deal with the fact that you’re
your own great-grandfather.
IRONYUPPIE
Huh? What is that suppose to mean?
DOCTOR WHAT
(making dismissive gesture with his hand)
Long story involving a time machine, bootleg,
copies of Barry White CDs and a broken condom.
I’ll tell you about it one of these days…
Comm unit starts beeping. DOCTOR WHAT pulls it out.
GRIMM REAPER (OS)
Hello Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT
Grimm? How you doing?
GRIMM REAPER (OS)
Feeling grim. What happened?
DOCTOR WHAT
IRONSHARK did not know who she was messing with
when she took on IRONYUPPIE. The little blonde psycho
is knocked out cold down here and the Yupster is doing ok.
GRIMM REAPER (OS)
Good to hear! Listen Doc—sensors have picked up another
Tachyon Twister! If you want you and your crew to get home,
you better leave now. We can handle things from here.
DOCTOR WHAT
Are you sure?
GREY WOLF (OS)
Trust me—me and the Reaper Yank can handle everything
from here on in. We still have a few friends about that we
can look up. We’re going to throw everyone into the brig
for now and sort out the mess later. Go home now! MATT
and KIT are on their way down there now.
DOCTOR WHAT
Godspeed, Grey Wolf.
GREY WOLF
Yeah. Whatever.
(a beat)
Now. For a bloody drink…
Comm unit cuts off.
EXT. – AH. COM SHIP – DAY
We see the shuttle fly away from the AH.COM ship towards a multi-colored whirlpool.
INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY
We see all four AH.commers seated. DOCTOR WHAT is at the controls.
MATT
Doc—is this going to work?
DOCTOR WHAT
Theoretically—there is a definite probability that
we will end up back in the exact same time/space
coordinates that we disappeared from originally.
KIT
Define ‘definite probability’.
DOCTOR WHAT
(beat)
50-50.
(longer beat)
Maybe.
(very long beat)
I think.
(beat)
Hang on!
Here we go!
EXT. – SHUTTLE – DAY
We see the shuttle get dragged into the whirlpool. It swirls around the edge several times rapidly picking up speed and getting closer and closer to the mouth. Finally, now spinning so fast that’s it’s just a blur, it falls through the mouth—and vanishes.
EXT. – SOMEPLACE ELSE – DEEP SPACE -DAY
We see a white light appear. Out of the light erupts the shuttle. It’s flying very fast and is spinning completely out of control. It flies towards the camera and then past us. We see a reverse view of the shuttle spinning and twisting away from us. We slowly pan up to see…the AH.COM ship.
But this is the AH.COM ship that we are all love and are familiar with….
SLOW FADE on shuttle drifting slowly away from the camera.
END ACT II
TAG
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
We see DOCTOR WHAT walking down a corridor. He’s having a conversation with LEO. LEO’s voice comes from different speakers as the Doc walks through different corridors.
LEO
So? Where was I in all of this?
DOCTOR WHAT
What do you mean?
LEO
I’m the Ship’s computer.
What happened to me?
From what you’ve said I
wasn’t on board.
DOCTOR WHAT
(thoughtful pause)
Maybe they took you off line,
when they took over the ship.
LEO
(long pause)
Intriguing.
So what do you think
will happen to them?
DOCTOR WHAT
Beats me—I hope everything will work out.
LEO
Of course, you realize that
that timeline may no longer exist.
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh—explain?
LEO
Well—the four of you were given information
about what could happen in the next 30 years.
Even if you don’t act on that info consciously,
you can still make changes to the timeline and
change that future. For example—now that
you know how you will die, you can prevent
yourself from engaging in any autoerotic
asphyxiation activities, right?
Silence from DOCTOR WHAT
LEO
(insistent voice)
Riiiiiight?
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? Oh—yeah—of course—sure…..
LEO
Furthermore, now that IronYuppie knows that
her kids will end up psychotic and take over
the ship, she can make the appropriate changes
in her child- rearing activities. Indeed, she may
decide to forego having children altogether
and if she does so…
DOCTOR WHAT
…yeah, yeah—I know -
entire timeline will be altered…
LEO
You seem distracted, Doc. Are you ok?
DOCTOR WHAT
(contemplates this statement for a second)
Better than ok—I’m no longer depressed.
LEO
Ah…
Did you take the “happy pills”
Straha was offering?
DOCTOR WHAT
It was a tempting offer.
LEO
What has caused this change then?
DOCTOR WHAT
(thoughtful silence)
Despite all the mess in that timeline, the important thing
is that we loonies actually managed to save the whole
multi-verse at some point. And we managed to convince
our supposed mortal enemies to help us to do it. There’s
something deeply… satisfying…in knowing that.
(smiles)
I’m going to bed, Leo. Good night.
LEO
Good night, Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT enters his quarters.
Long pause.
We hear strange grunting sounds coming from the Doc’s quarters. He comes out a moment later carrying a huge stack of DVDs, various ropes and numerous other items that, thankfully, we can’t get a good look at. He dumps them outside his quarters in an immense heap. He stares at for a moment, nods his head and goes back inside.
Longer pause.
He comes back outside, with a sheepish grin on his face. He rummages around the pile he just dumped and grabs a DVD.
DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering to himself)
…maybe just this one…
He looks around for a moment an then drags the whole thing back inside his quarters.
DOCTOR WHAT
At least I’ll die doing what I love.
Cheesy porno music begins playing.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS