TEASER
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
We open in Deep Space, nothing but blackness. Suddenly we see a huge swirling blue vortex and out of it appears a familiar looking vessel.
Familiar… and yet…. different.
It’s black, for starters. Pitch black. It’s also sleeker… longer… almost militaristic looking. There’s a subtle yet definite aura of menace to the ship. The words AH.COM (written in capital letters and in dark red letters) can be seen as we glide alongside it.
We’ve seen this ship before. This is not the Ah.com ship we all know and love—this is the MIRROR AH.COM SHIP instead.
Pan close, moving along hull of the vessel, pass port holes, pass blinking lights and hatches, and then into…
INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – MIRROR THANDE’S LAB – DAY
We see the MIRROR THANDE hard at work in front of a bench that has a massive and complicated collection of beakers and tubing and flasks and so forth. MIRROR THANDE has a goatee. He also has a severe chemical burn on the left side of his face. Only a few clumps of hair remain on his head.
MIRROR THANDE stares intently at one beaker as it slowly fills with a bright yellowish fluid. He grins maniacally.
We suddenly hear a loud popping sound. MIRROR THANDE frowns and looks at another section of the contraption.
We see yellow gas spewing from a break in some of the tubing. A look of terror crosses MIRROR THANDE’s face. He moves towards the breaker but before he can take more than a step or two, the device explodes—knocking MIRROR THANDE to the ground unconscious.
We see the entire room filled with a yellow gas.
TIGHT ON- Ventilation grill.
MONTAGE- We see a quick montage of various parts of the ship (Engineering Room, Med Bay, Control Room, etc) become filled with the yellow gas. Several members of the crew pass out.
INT. – MIRROR THANDE’S LAB – DAY
We see MIRROR THANDE still passed out. We see his body slowly shift… and alter… and change….
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“GENDERBENDER MIRROR”
Written By : DOCTOR WHAT
ACT I
INT.- MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – ROOM-DAY
We see a struggling tied up figure suspended over a large water-filled transparent container. We can see several large shark-like creatures swimming around the tank. A rope extends from the figure over a hook on the ceiling and leads to another figure sitting nonchalantly in a large chair. The rope itself is tied to a hook on the floor.
The seated figure is a short thin dark skinned female. She is sipping a large glass of white wine.
The female figure looks very familiar. VERY familiar.
This is, in fact, a female version of the MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Now Thande—would you be so kind as to explain
to me what my original orders to you were?
The struggling tied up figure—now recognized as a female (and goatee-less) MIRROR THANDE—responds.
FEMALE MIRROR THANDE
(nervously looking down at shark-like creatures)
Um—I was to invent an elixir which is supposed to,
when consumed by you and your female prey,
make her bond mentally to you, thereby making
her helpless to refuse your every whim, no matter
how twisted and depraved.
(beat)
ESPECIALLY no matter how twisted and depraved….
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
–and yet—your “elixir” ended up changing the
gender of the entire crew instead. Now I may be
jumping to conclusions but I’m pretty sure that
will qualify as a failure, hmmmm?
(beat)
(turns to a figure next to her)
IronYuppie, would you be so
kind as to cut the rope?
We see—standing next to the FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT—is a large male wearing nothing except tight leather pants. He has obviously dyed black hair in a Mohawk style and his arms and torso are covered in tattoos. This is the MALE MIRROR IRONYUPPIE.
He pulls out a large knife, grins, and moves to cut the rope….
FEMALE MIRROR THANDE
(franticly)
Wait! There…there is a way to reverse the process!
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT gestures MALE MIRROR IRONYUPPIE to stop. He—very reluctantly—does so.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(eyes narrowing suspiciously)
You said there wasn’t a way….
FEMALE MIRROR THANDE
In theory, if we were to obtain samples of
our pre-altered DNA, we can extract the
necessary genetic material from them. Then,
by combining that into a retrovirus, we can
introduce that into our systems and
allow the retrovirus to alter our DNA.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(still suspicious)
Sounds….dubious.
ANOTHER FEMALE VOICE
Actually– it’s not.
Although my
(sneering)
colleague here has very little grasp of
things biological, his simplistic theory
does have some merit.
We pan over to see that the origin of the voice. We see that the figure has nearly the entire left side of her face replaced by cybernetic parts. In addition, her right arm is also cybernetic in appearance–and where her hand would be, there are an amalgamation of various medical looking instruments, including a rather obscenely large curved scalpel.
This is the FEMALE MIRROR TORQ.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
So all we need is our original DNA?
FEMALE MIRROR TORQ
Yes.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
And what if we can’t find those samples?
FEMALE MIRROR TORQ
Then we, sir, discover the joys of
being apart of the weaker gender.
(Iron Yuppie growls, hefting knife)
All we have to do is get samples from
alternate versions of ourselves. They may be
different personality-wise but on a genetic
level they should be identical. It should work.
(beat)
(sneering—looking up at the hanging FEMALE MIRROR THANDE)
In theory.
FEMALE MIRROR THANDE
Yes! Yes! That’s all we have to do!
I guarantee you that it will work!
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(making snorting sound)
There are nearly two dozen of us on this ship!
Do you have any idea how long it will take to
find alternate versions of each one of ourselves?
It’s not like there’s alternate versions of each one
of us hanging… out… together….
(trails off with a smile)
MALE MIRROR IRONYUPPIE
(sudden realization)
That other ah.com ship?! Are you kidding me?
Remember how long it took us to find them the
first time? If it had not been for the fact that those
idiots had spent so much time on that cruise ship,
we never would have been able to catch up to them.
We haven’t seen signs of them for over a year!
Now we’re suppose to find them again just like that?
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
Yes IY—just like that. In the last Shift,
I came across rumors of the existence
of a certain pub that I think may just prove useful…..
(smiles)
Now, Torq, get on working on the method to
initiate the change back to our pre-altered states.
FEMALE MIRROR TORQ
If you would, Captain, I would like to harvest
a few genetic samples from the altered crew…
for experimentation.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Fine. Whatever. Just make sure
there’s no lasting damage.
(pauses, looking at Torq)
Nice pair of tits you got there, Torq.
FEMALE MIRROR TORQ
Thank you, sir.
The three leave the Room.
Pan to where FEMALE MIRROR THANDE is still strung up.
FEMALE MIRROR THANDE
Uh… girls? Are you going to let me down?
INT.- PUB IN THE HUB OF THE UNIVERSE-DAY
We see most of the ah.commers sitting at various tables together. DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, IRONYUPPIE, KITJED, DIAMOND, LANDSHARK, WEAPON M and many others are drinking and singing and eating –many of them doing all three simultaneously. In the center of the group is LUAKEL. He—as well as most of the other participants—are wearing silly looking birthday hats. In front of LUAKEL is a large birthday cake that has two large candles in the shape of a ‘1’ and a ‘6’ on it.
AH.COMMERS
(more or less at the same time)
HAPPY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY LUAKEL!
LUAKEL blows out the candles. A cheer erupts from the ah.commers. He gets up.
LUAKEL
I just want to say that these last few months
with you guys has been the most wonderful
ones I’ve ever had. I really appreciate the birthday
celebration even though I’m not sixt-
IRONYUPPIE
(annoyed)
Enough with the yapping!
Cut the damn cake already!
We want chocolate!
Chants of ‘Cake! Cake! Cake!…’ come from the ah.commers. LUAKEL rolls his eyes and starts cutting the cake into slices and passing them around. DOCTOR WHAT gets up and walks towards the bar counter where we see IAN working.
IAN
Hey there Doc. What can I get for you?
DOCTOR WHAT
(motions at the ah.commers with a hand)
Another round for the gang.
IAN
No problem.
DOCTOR WHAT opens his wallet and a small cloud of dust erupts from it. He looks into it, it’s empty.
DOCTOR WHAT
(visibly depressed)
Damn. Spot me a few, Ian?
IAN only grins and pushes a tray full of drinks towards DOCTOR WHAT.
IAN
It’s on the house.
Oh—by the way—some people were
asking around for you and your gang.
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? Not the CF. Netters again….
IAN
Nope—different batch—never
seen them around before.
DOCTOR WHAT
You think we’re in trouble?
IAN
(grinning)
When are you guys NOT in trouble?
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Well—there was that one Thursday five months back
when absolutely nothing happened for the full 24 hours….
IAN
(grinning)
That was the Thursday that the whole crew
got into Grey Wolf’s secret stash of absinthe
and everyone passed out, right?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging shoulders)
You know us SO well….
(beat)
(serious tone of voice)
These people asking about us….
IAN
(serious tone)
Don’t know—could be just some people
wanting to hire you for a job or something
but I’ll keep an eye out just to be on the
safe side if I were you.
DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for the tip, Ian.
And the drinks.
IAN
You guys are alright. Plus I don’t want
to see anymore damage done to my Hub
from some people chasing after you guys.
(laughing)
DOCTOR WHAT
(mock shock)
Hey, that was only once…
IAN turns and takes care of some drink orders from another patron. DOCTOR WHAT carries the drinks back to the table.
INT.- PUB – DAY
A FEW HOURS LATER
Most of the crew are either passed out or wandering around the pub in small groups. LUAKEL is still awake and smirking to himself. He gets up and wanders off, staggering slightly.
As LUAKEL is staggering around, he suddenly hears a voice call out from somewhere offscreen.
FEMALE VOICE (o.v.)
(very sultry)
Why hello there handsome…..
LUAKEL stops and looks around confusedly.
FEMALE VOICE (o.v.)
(EXTREMELY sultry)
Yes—you, Luakel.
LUAKEL
Um… uhhh… you know my name….?
FEMALE VOICE (o.v.)
Of course, I’ve been watching you at
that party. Well, well, well—
so you’re sixteen, aren’t you?
Camera swings around slowly. LUAKEL is now in the foreground. The origin of the female voice is sitting in shadows at a table and slowly leans closer into the light.
She is a rather attractive dark-haired female. She has closely cropped hair. She also has a rather impressive set of breasts. She’s also wearing what looks like skintight leather bondage gear that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination.
LUAKEL
(eyes nearly popping out of their sockets)
Gaaaaaa-aaaah….
FEMALE
(smiling—we notice that her teeth are all sharpened to a fine point)
(practically purring)
You know—in many cultures—at age 16, a male
is considered legal for the purposes of….
(beat)
(licks lips very slowly)
…sexual relations.
LUAKEL
(still stunned)
Hrrrr-uuuugh….
FEMALE uses her foot to slowly move a chair out from under the table. She motions LUAKEL to sit in the chair. LUAKEL looks around the pub but sees that all of the ah.commers are still passed out or not around. He—slowly—sits into the chair that’s been offered.
LUAKEL
Uh—what’s your name?
FEMALE
I have many nicknames
but you can call me…
(beat)
Kitten.
(smiles)
INT. –DIFFERENT PART OF THE PUB – DAY
We see DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK, and DIAMOND staggering slowly around the Pub. They all obviously have had too much to drink. DOCTOR WHAT is leading them.
DOCTOR WHAT
(swaying slightly)
Damn—that was some party…
HENDRYK
Indeed oh Risen One! Where…hic…
where are you taking us, oh glorious one?
DOCTOR WHAT
I know this massage parlour where the women
dress in black leather kimonos and for a little
bit extra do this thing with their…
DIAMOND
MISTRESS JADE’s House of Infinite Pleasures!
I know the place!
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
I have a 3 for 1 coupon that they give
only to their special customers.
DIAMOND and HENDRYK stare at DOCTOR WHAT in abject amazement.
DIAMOND
Dude. You. Fucking. Rock.
(beat)
If I follow you, will you teach me your ways?
HENDRYK
(tears streaming down his face)
Did I not tell you that he is truly The One!
DOCTOR WHAT goes to open the exit doors of the Pub and, after three tries, succeeds and the three of them stagger out the entrance and bump into a couple entering. One is large and the other smaller, both wearing long cloaks and hoods, DOCTOR WHAT bumps into the larger one.
DOCTOR WHAT
(slurring)
Excuse me, friend.
The couple stops and watches as DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK, and DIAMOND stagger down the street, before heading into the Pub.
INT. -PUB- DAY
We see GBW, MICHAEL, FLOCC, MATT and STRAHA pretty much all passed out at their table. There are empty glasses and bottles strewn all around them.
Camera slowly pans to the side until we see several figures sitting at a table in a dark corner. We see a lighter flare up and a cigarette get lit.
It’s the FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent. One fourth of the crew right there.
We wait until it gets quiet and make our move.
Okay—you people know what to do?
Silence from the rest of the group.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT gets a look of extreme annoyance on her face and turns around.
We see FEMALE MIRROR WEAPON M. She’s completely bald. There’s a large tattoo of a rattlesnake curled around her right ear and she has an eye patch over her left eye. Sitting next to her is the FEMALE MIRROR MATT. Her hair is long and unkempt. She also has a deep scar that starts from the right side of her mouth that curves up and ends near her ear. Next to her is the FEMALE MIRROR DIAMOND. She has long dreadlocks and has multiple ‘pirate-style’ earrings on both ears as well as some kind of Polynesian style ‘swirly’ tattoo over her left eye. All three of them are deeply fascinated by their own breasts and are alternately squeezing and jiggling them.
ALL THREE OF THEM
(simultaneously)
Whoa!/Cool!/Like jell-o on springs…
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(pissed off)
Would you three stop playing
with those tits for just two minutes!
FEMALE MIRROR WEAPON M
Sorry. I can’t help it! They’re so squishy…
FEMALE MIRROR MATT
Mine’s rounder…
FEMALE MIRROR DIAMOND
Mine’s bigger….
FEMALE MIRROR WEAPON M
Mine’s perkier.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
(sotto voice)
Why did I have to end up with these loonies?
(normal voice)
Luakel! Are you listening to me?!
We see FEMALE MIRROR LUAKEL. She has a black leather jacket, multi-colored spiky punk hair and has the remnants of a joint dangling from one corner of her mouth. She is staring quite intensely at her own crotch.
FEMALE MIRROR LUAKEL
Wow—so that’s what one of those looks like….
(her eyes suddenly go cross-eyed and she lets out a small gasp)
(beat)
When I touch myself there, I feel all weird and tingly…
(beat)
I like it.
(her eyes suddenly go cross-eyed and she lets out a small gasp–again)
Oooooooooo-ooooh……
FEMALE MIRROR WEAPON M, MATT and DIAMOND all move their chairs away from her.
INT.-DIFFERENT PART OF THE PUB-DAY
We see IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK sitting at a table. IRONYUPPIE is slowly eating— almost savoring — a large piece of chocolate cake. Every now and then she cuts off a very small morsel and gives it to LANDSHARK.
The camera slowly pans over to another dark corner of the Pub. We see two figures in darkness.
One is the MALE MIRROR IRONYUPPIE. The other is a female wearing a long black leather coat and dark Matrix-like sunglasses. . She has a large Anarchy symbol tattoo on her left cheek. This is the FEMALE MIRROR LANDSHARK.
FEMALE MIRROR LANDSHARK
So—which one you want to do?
MALE MIRROR IRONYUPPIE
(beat)
BOTH of them.
FEMALE MIRROR LANDSHARK
You are a very, very sick person, Erikka.
(beat)
Can I watch?
MALE MIRROR IRONYUPPIE
Only if you polish all my boots tonight.
INT.-YET ANOTHER PART OF THE PUB-DAY
We see several figures sitting at a table in a darkened corner. We see a highly muscular latino female with close cropped hair in an army uniform drinking a large glass of milk. This is the FEMALE MIRROR STRAHA. Sitting next to her is a female in goth clothes, dyed black hair and far too much white make-up on her face. She is also wearing a pentagram symbol necklace. She is drinking a large glass of scotch. This is the FEMALE MIRROR OTHNIEL. Next to her is a tall heavyset dark-skinned female wearing a turban and carrying a large knife at her waist. This is the FEMALE MIRROR FLOCCULENCIO. There is another figure in darkness behind them that we can’t see very clearly. All of them are staring at another table.
Sitting at the table in question are PSYCHOMELTDOWN, WEAPON M, DAVID HOWERY and OTHNIEL talking, laughing and drinking.
FEMALE MIRROR STRAHA
Excellent. This will work perfectly.
FEMALE MIRROR OTHNIEL
Fucking A! Hey—you want a doobie?
(offers a joint to FEMALE MIRROR STRAHA)
FEMALE MIRROR STRAHA
(staring at offered joint with utter disgust)
My body is a temple, you fool. I’m not going
to mess it up with crap like that!
(stares at one of her biceps in concern)
Damn—two whole days since I hit the gym.
I can just feel the fat building up….
(shudders)
FEMALE MIRROR FLOCCULENCIO
(speaking with a American accent)
Okay—so this is the plan. We wait until it gets
a bit quiet, then me and Psycho-
FEMALE VOICE lets out a loud shriek. We see that the shriek came from the figure that was in darkness in the back. It’s a female with a ridiculous red wig and wearing white leg tights, tennis shoes, polka-dot skirt, and a pink fuzzy sweater. This is the FEMALE MIRROR PSYCHOMELTDOWN.
FEMALE MIRROR FLOCCULENCIO
–ah—right—excuse me—
me and Alyson Hannigan—
FEMALE MIRROR PSYCHOMELTDOWN shuts her eyes and has a blissful smile on her face. FEMALE MIRROR STRAHA looks quizzically at FEMALE MIRROR OTHNIEL, who responds by twirling her finger along the side of her head and rolling her eyes theatrically.
FEMALE MIRROR FLOCCULENCIO
(continuing)
–will knock out those guys and the rest of
you help us drag them back to the ship. Ok?
Everyone nods their heads.
EXT. – HUB CITY – DAY
We are in a different section of the Hub. It’s slightly run down and seedy. There are numerous bars and nightclubs and hotels that can be seen. We pull in close to one hotel. There is a multi-coloured neon sign that proclaims this place to be the EAT N’ SLEEP MOTEL.
INT. – EAT N’ SLEEP MOTEL ROOM- DAY
CLOSE-UP- LUAKEL’S FACE
Luakel has the goofiest looking smile imaginable.
PULL BACK- We see Luakel sitting upright in a bed. He’s naked from the waist up. Camera slowly pans to the left to show….
‘Kitten’ (also naked from the waist up) casually smoking a cigarette with what can only be described as a feline-like smile on her face.
LUAKEL
Wow…like…wow…I mean…I thought
I knew how it was like when I practiced
but when it was for real…
(beat)
Wow.
(beat)
That thing you did with your tongue—
that was…like…whoa….
‘KITTEN’
(taking a long sensual drag on her cigarette)
YEARS of experience, honey….
LUAKEL
(watching Kitten smoke)
Wish you’d stop doing that.
All I can taste now is cigarettes…
‘KITTEN’
(grining)
Well, I’ve got something that’ll
take away the taste…
‘KITTEN’ begins slowly unbuttoning her pants, LUAKEL stares wide eyed.
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. – ROOM- DAY
We see assorted members of the ah.com crew (GBW, MICHAEL, MATT and others) tied up and on the floor. We pan slowly across the floor to see that they clearly have small bandages (like the kind you get if you gave a blood sample) wrapped around their forearms. A door opens up and we see PSYCHOMELTDOWN, WEAPON M, DAVE HOWERY and OTHNIEL (all tied up and unconscious) get dragged in and thrown onto the floor by several mirror crew members. The new ah.commers also have small bandages on their arms as well. MATT is the only ah.commer conscious at this time.
We see that one of the mirror crew stares at MATT. She is a tall red-haired female wearing a thin (almost transparent) robe with several Asian designs (dragons, Chinese characters, etc) on it. She has long red fingernails. This is the FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK .
FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK
Ah—you are awake. Good. I like my subjects
to be conscious when I… interrogate … them.
(grabs a hold of Matt’s chin and brings it closer to her face)
I rather like men in uniform.
(smiles)
MATT eyes widen in fear as he gets dragged off by FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK .
INT.- ANOTHER ROOM- DAY
We are in the room where FEMALE MIRROR THANDE was hanging over the shark tank earlier.
We see that FEMALE MIRROR THANDE is still hanging from the rope.
FEMALE MIRROR THANDE
Um….excuse me? Anybody there?
Can you untie me please? Pretty please?
(beat)
I really have to pee….
INT. ‘INTEROGATION ROOM’ – DAY
We see MATT tied down to a chair with various ropes. FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK and FEMALE MIRROR PSYCHOMELTDOWN are in the room with him. There is a tray with a rather large collection of knives of every size and shape next to the chair.
FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK
(pulling out a particularly large knife)
(running finger slowly over edge of blade)
Are you in good health? Any…medical
conditions I should be aware of?
(beat)
You see—I have this bad habit of…enjoying…
my work a bit TOO much. Fortunately my
colleague here is able to restrain me before
I can cause too much damage for you to
answer our questions.
(beat)
Usually.
(comes closer to Matt)
Let the forfeit
Be nominated for an equal pound
Of your fair flesh, to be cut-off and taken
In what part of your body pleaseth me.
(beat—grinning maniacally)
Psycho—bring me the—
FEMALE MIRROR PSYCHOMELTDOWN suddenly shrieks and tackles FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK . The both of them, as well as the tray of knives and MATT’s chair, all get knocked to the grounds.
FEMALE MIRROR PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Never call me that! I’m Alyson now! Alyson! ALYSON!
(starts punching FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK )
We see that MATT’s chair was broken as it fell to the ground, knocking loose one of the chair arms. While FEMALE MIRROR PSYCHOMELTDOWN and FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK fight each other, MATT manages to get an arm free. He grabs one of the knives that fell on to the floor and cuts the rest of his restraints.
MATT runs out the room while the fight continues.
INT. – “THE CHEAP & SLEAZY MOTEL”- DAY
We see a grinning MIRROR FEMALE LANDSHARK and MALE MIRROR IRONYUPPIE walk out of a motel room. Both of them pause for a moment to adjust their clothing. They hold hands and walk down the corridor, giggling.
The camera slowly pans over into the room they just left to show LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE.
LANDSHARK is wearing nothing except a sequined leather jock strap, a clown mask and stiletto heels and is tied to a wall with handcuffs. IRONYUPPIE is lying on the bed and is wearing nothing except hip high waders, a French maid costume and a Viking helmet. There is a trampoline in the center of the room and a plucked live chicken clucking in a corner.
LANDSHARK turns to IRONYUPPIE. His voice is muffled slightly by the clown mask he’s wearing.
LANDSHARK
We will never speak of this again.
IRONYUPPIE
(thoughtful look on her face)
Actually—I rather enjoyed that….
INT. – MISTRESS JADE’S HOUSE OF INFINITE PLEASURES- DAY
We see DOCTOR WHAT, DIAMOND and HENDRYK lying on tables. There are getting….uh … let’s say a massage. Yes—a ‘massage’. From several gorgeous Asian women in leather kimonos. Long, slow and highly relaxing ‘massages’. Yeah….that’s it….
Suddenly—MATT comes rushing into the room and collapses, out of breath.
DOCTOR WHAT
Matt!
The three ah.commers rush to MATT and manage to shake him awake again.
MATT
(begins screaming)
My eys! My eyes!
DIAMOND
Damn it, Doc. Grab a towel.
DOCTOR WHAT
Whoops.
(hastily grabs a towel)
What’s wrong Matt?
MATT
Oh, man. Oh, man. It was horrible.
They were us, but with tits…
(shuddering)
HENDRYK
(confused)
What’s going on??
MATT
The Mirror Crew!
The Mirror Crew is back!
DIAMOND
What?! Those lunatics again?!
DOCTOR WHAT
(pondering)
Ian said that there were some people looking for us,
he said he didn’t recognize any of them. Are you
sure it was the Mirror Crew? I mean Ian would
recognize them if he saw them.
MATT
Positive! The Mirror You captured me and
some of the gang. But you’re right—there’s a
good reason why Ian didn’t recognize any of them.
(beat)
They’re all chicks now.
Long pause from the other three ah.commers.
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh, what do you mean by that?
MATT
They’re chicks, man.
Mean evil, vicious, cruel, evil,
pain inducing, evil wenches!
Long pause from the other three ah.commers.
DIAMOND
Dude, that basically describes every girl
I’ve ever dated, and they weren’t evil mirrors of us.
MATT
I’m telling you. It’s the Mirror Crew…
but with tits and…no dicks.
Still evil, but with tits.
(a beat)
With nice tits…
Long pause from the other three ah.commers.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ooooooo-kay…..
DIAMOND
Why does weird shit always happen to us?
HENDRYK
Practice?
MATT
Look people—enough chit-chat!
Those evil bitches have captured the crew.
We have to go rescue them.
DOCTOR WHAT
How many of the crew got captured?
MATT
Er…pretty much all of us, I think. Luakel,
IronYuppie and Landshark were the only
ones I didn’t see—everyone else is tied
up in that room in the Mirror Ship.
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn. Just us four against an entire ship.
FEMALE VOICE (ov)
No—not just the four of you.
We pan over to see the voice belongs to a middle-aged Asian woman in a green dress. This is MISTRESS JADE.
MISTRESS JADE
Me and three of the girls will help you.
DOCTOR WHAT
Really? You will help us?
That’s great! But…why?
MISTRESS JADE
Hey man—thanks to you, I’ve been able
to put my two daughters through college.
Least I can do for my best customer.
DIAMOND
That’s all very nice but—no offense—but
what can your three massage girls do to help us in battle?
MISTRESS JADE
My girls are not just massage girls! They are…
(beat)
Ninja warriors!
Almost on cue, the three massage girls that were with the three ah.commers tear off their kimonos to reveal tight fitting black leather ninja costumes. Ninja swords suddenly appear in their hands.
AH.COMMERS
(together)
Cooooooool……
MATT
(with a cheesy grin on his face)
Say girls—if you’re not doing anything later on,
how about we all go to the Pub and….
MISTRESS JADE
(interrupting Matt)
Forget it, honey. They’re not
interested in men. They’re lesbians.
Very long pause.
We see that the ah.commers are standing absolutely still. None of them are blinking and we notice that all four of them have their jaws wide open. Small rivulets of drool are trickling down their chins.
HENDRYK
Asian…
DIAMOND
…lesbian…
MATT
…ninjas…
DOCTOR WHAT
…in leather…
AH.COMMERS
(together)
Oo-ee!
MATT
(turning to DOCTOR WHAT)
You. Fucking. Rule.
HENDRYK
Yes! TWO new converts in
one night! Praise What!
The ah.commers and the Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather rush out.
INT.- AIRLOCK ENTRANCE MIRROR AH.COM SHIP-DAY
We see ‘Kitten’ (the FEMALE MIRROR KIT) open the hatch and walk in, whistling. She’s grinning from ear to ear. She walks about 20 feet or so down the corridor when there’s knock on the hatch. With a confused look on her face, she turns around and walks back to the hatch.
FEMALE MIRROR KIT
Who is it?
FEMALE VOICE (ov)
Avon calling.
FEMALE MIRROR KIT
Go away! We don’t need it!
Pause. There are faint sounds of mumbling voices.
There’s another knock.
FEMALE MIRROR KIT
Who is it?
MALE VOICE (ov)
Hi—I’m a tall Italian guy with broad shoulders
and green eyes looking for a place to stay. Can
you assist me? Normally I would just go to a hotel
but I appear to have misplaced all my clothing
and am now walking around completely naked—
The hatch nearly gets practically yanked off its hinges by the force of FEMALE MIRROR KIT’s opening of the hatch. We see the ah.commers and the Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather standing there. They attack her.
We see the ah.commers and Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather leap over FEMALE MIRROR KIT’s unconscious body and rush down the corridor….
INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – HOLDING CELL-DAY
We see all of the captured ah.commers still tied up. FEMALE MIRROR DIAMOND, FEMALE MIRROR MATT, FEMALE MIRROR FLOCC, FEMALE MIRROR LUAKEL and FEMALE MIRROR WEAPON M are guarding the prisoners.
FEMALE MIRROR WEAPON M
Anyone got some ice cubes?
FEMALE MIRROR MATT
Check out how they bounce
when I jump up and down.
FEMALE MIRROR DIAMOND
Anybody else’s back starting to hurt?
FEMALE MIRROR LUAKEL
(wincing)
I think I have friction burns…
FEMALE MIRROR FLOCC
Do these shoes go with this top?
The door suddenly breaks open and HENDRYK rushes in.
HENDRYK
Fear the terrible vengeance of
His Greatness Doctor What!
MIRROR WEAPON M, FLOCC, DIAMOND, and MATT all exchange looks. As one they all snap back their fists and punch HENDRYK. He flies out the door.
A moment later the Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather come bouncing through. There is a flurry of kicks and punches and in a matter of seconds, the Mirror crew is unconscious. The four ah.commers poke their heads around the doorway.
DOCTOR WHAT
Am I the only one who got aroused by all that?
OTHER THREE AH.COMMERS
(together)
No.
Quickly the rest of the ah.commers are untied and woken up.
G.BONE
Huh? Wha? What happened?
DAVE HOWERY
Yeah—last thing I remember was
being jumped by these two women…
(sighs)
The only time that’s ever happened…
Other ah.commers start making vaguely acknowledging noises and comments.
DOCTOR WHAT
Long story short, guys—evil alternate
versions of ourselves have captured us.
Fortunately we have a plan to get out of here.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What’s that?
DOCTOR WHAT
Same as always.
MICHAEL
Run screaming like little sissy girls?
DOCTOR WHAT
No—the OTHER one.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Run screaming like little sissy girls and
kicking everyone we meet in the groin?
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s the one….
Someone get Hendryk up,
he’s bleeding all over the deck.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL grab HENDRYK’s arms and begin dragging him down the corridor after the others.
INT.- MIRROR AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY
We see the ah.commers (being led by the Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather) running down a corridor. Suddenly, from around a corner, comes the FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK . She’s wearing the same clothes she was wearing before although there now appears to be a few rips in it and she has several bruises on her face. She goes into a ‘karate stance’.
FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK
(addressing lead Asian Lesbian Ninja in Leather)
Just you and me. Warrior to warrior.
Looks of confusion appear on the faces of many of the ah.commers but the lead Asian Lesbian Ninja in Leather (SUKI) steps forward.
SUKI
Alrighty.
They circle each other warily for a few seconds—then they attack each other simultaneously. SUKI blocks a palm heel strike at her head. She returns with a kick to the groin which is easily sideswiped. FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK does a roundhouse kick—which SUKI ducks down from at the very last second. She does a sweeping kick, which knocks FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK off balance. Just as she is falling, FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK grabs SUKI on her arm and drags her down.
They start wrestling on the ground for a full 2 minutes, shrieking and clawing at each other and slowly tearing each other’s clothes off in the process. Finally, SUKI punches FEMALE MIRROR HENDRYK in the face, knocking her unconscious. SUKI slowly gets up, adjusting her torn clothing in the process.
MISTRESS JADE
Ok—we still have to get out of here. Move it guys!
(beat)
Guys?
MISTRESS JADE turns around to see the ah.commers staring at SUKI with jaws wide open. None of the ah.commers make a single sound for a few seconds. DOCTOR WHAT is the first to break the silence.
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—who suddenly feels the
need to smoke a cigarette right now?
All of the ah.commers raise their hands.
ASIAN LESBIAN NINJAS IN LEATHER
(together)
(rolling their eyes)
Men.
They all run off.
SUKI
(sotto voice to MISTRESS JADE)
Actually—I found her kind of cute…
FEMALE MIRROR PSYCHOMELTDOWN suddenly appears. The Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather prepare for another fight. DIAMOND pushes forward.
DIAMOND
I’ll handle this.
(cracks knuckles)
I get to have a little fun too.
FEMALE MIRROR PSYCHOMELTDOWN lets out a screech and races at DIAMOND, the two collide. FEMALE MIRROR PSYCHOMELTDOWN scratches DIAMOND, while he manages a clean shot to the head, knocking her out.
DIAMOND
(looking at scratch)
Ow. Reminder.
Never fight girls. They scratch.
DOCTOR WHAT
Did anyone else find that arousing?
Silence.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I did.
Everyone stares.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Come on, didn’t anyone
think that red head was hot?
Silence.
MICHAEL
(shuddering)
Too many red heads. Let’s go.
DIAMOND
Torq, you’ll need to give me an antidote
or something. Who knows where that
glue sniffing looking chick’s been.
I probably got tetanus or something…
INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM -DAY
We see FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT sitting in his command chair. FEMALE MIRROR STRAHA and FEMALE MIRROR OTHNIEL are sitting at various posts.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
Where the hell is everyone?
FEMALE MIRROR STRAHA
I don’t know—I can’t raise anyone.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Where’s LEO?
FEMALE MIRROR STRAHA
He’s having some ‘alone’ time.
(rolls eyes)
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it! This is getting ridiculous!
(presses button on command chair)
INT- COMPUTER ROOM-DAY
We see MIRROR LEO in his robot body. He has a helmet on that is connected to a set of computers. There is another wire that comes from the computers that is connected to a large socket on his groin. MIRROR LEO appears to be holding an imaginary person in his arms and is making some rather graphic humping movements with his hips.
MIRROR LEO
(speaking with a British accent)
Yeah—you like that, don’t you? You’re
just a cheap little sailor-boy aren’t you?
Aren’t you?
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT (ov)
Leo! We’re going to need your help here.
I need you to download yourself back into
the mainframe system!
(beat)
Leo? Can you hear me?
MIRROR LEO
Fuck off! I’m busy!
MIRROR LEO reaches over and shuts off speaker.
MIRROR LEO
(redoubles his humping)
Yeah! You like that! Who’s your daddy?
Say it! WHO’S YOUR DADDY!!
INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM -DAY
We see FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT shut a button off in disgust.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Screw this! Punch me up any
surveillance videos we have.
A series of quick videoclips appear on the main viewscreen. We see the ah.commers running down a corridor.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Disengage the locking mechanisms! NOW!
EXT- MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – DAY
We see the MIRROR AH.COM ship docked at one of the many docking bays of the Hub.
CLOSE-UP—we see various locking clamps disengage. The MIRROR AH.COM SHIP slowly begins to drift away from the Hub. After a few seconds, the maneuvering jets fire and it begins to slowly accelerate away.
INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM -DAY
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Activate the Shift Engines! No fucking way
these idiots are getting off my ship.
FEMALE MIRROR STRAHA
It’s going to take us a few
minutes before we can do that.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
Expedite the process, Straha….
INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY
We see FEMALE MIRROR LANDSHARK and MALE MIRROR IRONYUPPIE get knocked backwards and slide into a bulkhead and knocked unconscious.
The ah.commers and the Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather come into view, running towards the airlock entrance they came through earlier. The whole ship suddenly shakes and we see a red light appear over the airlock.
DOCTOR WHAT
Shit! We’re no longer attached to the Hub!
COMPUTER VOICE
Warning! Emergency Shift engaged!
Two minutes until excursion.
The ah.commers look frantically around.
DIAMOND
We got to get the fuck off this ship now!
MATT
No time to get to the shuttle bays!
DOCTOR WHAT
There’s too many of us for one shuttle anyway!
G.BONE
Hey guys—what about the teleporters?
Ah.commers all groan.
G.BONE
No, seriously—I can do this!
I’ve been taking online course!
COMPUTER VOICE
90 seconds until excursion.
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s not like we have a choice!
Move everyone!
They all rush off down the corridor.
EXT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP-DAY
We see the ship accelerating rapidly now. Up ahead of it, we see a huge swirling blue vortex slowly begin to form.
INT. – TELEPORTATION ROOM- DAY
We see all of the ah.commers and the Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather rush into the room and jump onto the teleporter pads. It’s a tight squeeze and everyone is practically sitting on top of one another.
G.BONE is at the controls. He’s staring at the controls in complete confusion.
DOCTOR WHAT
What’s the matter?!
G.BONE
(confused tone of voice)
The controls…they’re…a bit…
different…from what I’m used to.
COMPUTER VOICE
Ten seconds until excursion. Nine…eight…
DOCTOR WHAT
G.BONE!
G.BONE stares at the controls for a second, places his left hand over his eyes and presses several buttons randomly with his right hand.
We hear loud high pitched sounds coming from the teleporters.
COMPUTER VOICE
…five…four…
G.BONE sprints to the teleporters and leaps onto them just as the entire gang disappears with a massive flash of light.
EXT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP-DAY
We see the huge swirling blue vortex in front of MIRROR AH.COM SHIP. It flies through and vortex quickly closes.
INT. –THE HUB – THE PUB- DAY
We see a large group of patrons drinking and talking. Suddenly, we hear a loud buzzing sound coming from above. The patrons look up—then run screaming away as a flash of light appears directly over their heads and it suddenly starts raining ah.commers.
Pan down.
We see a huge pile of ah.commers and Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather.
Pan to very bottom of the pile.
We see DOCTOR WHAT’s weakly waving hand.
INT. – MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT and FEMALE MIRROR TORQ are in the Med Bay, before them lie the samples taken from the AH.COM crew.
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent.
We’ve got the DNA we need to
return back to our original states.
I vastly prefer my plumbing to be
external, rather than internal.
(leers at Torq)
Though I’ll miss staring at your
nicely formed tits, Torq.
(looks back at table)
(pause)
Wait. There’s one missing.
FEMALE MIRROR TORQ
(staring down at the DNA samples)
Uh…
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(scrutinizing the samples)
Where is mine?
FEMALE MIRROR TORQ
(beginning to sweat)
Uh…
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Speak up, Worm
FEMALE MIRROR TORQ
(scared now)
Uh.. .
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(getting angry)
Don’t make me feed you to the Sharks!
FEMALE MIRROR TORQ
(stammering)
Sir… Unfortunately… we were unable to…
gather any DNA samples from the Other DOCTOR WHAT…
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(horrified and angry)
WHAT???
FEMALE MIRROR TORQ
Uh… we don’t have any un-altered DNA
to return you back to your original state…
FEMALE MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
You are fucking kidding me.
INT.- MIRROR AH.COM SHIP – ANOTHER ROOM- DAY
We see that FEMALE MIRROR THANDE is still hanging from the rope. Pan down to the tank; we see a yellowish tint to the water and the two shark like creatures bobbing in the water, dead.
FEMALE MIRROR THANDE
Hmmm…. Next time I think I’ll
go easy on the asparagus.
INT.- THE HUB – THE PUB- DAY
We see several of the ah.commers (DIAMOND, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, DOCTOR WHAT, MATT and KITJED) sitting at a table. Sitting in the center is LUAKEL, looking very depressed.
LUAKEL
She was the only girl who paid
any kind of attention to me. She
was kind and sweet and caring.
(beat)
And she could suck the chrome
off of the bumper of a car!
(deep sigh)
And she just left me while I was sleeping!
I’m never going to see her again!
(even deeper sigh)
I’ll never meet a girl like that ever again.
LANDSHARK
(sotto voice)
You got that right.
DOCTOR WHAT
(glaring at LANDSHARK)
Uh—luakel—how about you
get yourself another drink….
Luakel gets up and staggers towards the bar.
KIT
We HAVE to tell him.
DOCTOR WHAT
(staring up at the ceiling)
Are you completely insane?! Tell the kid that
his first time was with a homosexual transgendered
evil version of one of our own crew?! You have
ANY idea how messed up that will make him?
He’s going to need 15, maybe 20 years of therapy
before he can even BEGIN to be normal! Only a
truly evil and horrible and callous person without
any shred of decency would tell….
(DOCTOR WHAT suddenly realizes that he’s sitting alone at the table—he looks offscreen)
Get back here you idiots!
I’m the captain! I get to tell him!
DOCTOR WHAT rushes offscreen towards the bar.
END ACT II
TAG
EXT. – CITY PARK – DAY
The strumming of an acoustic guitar is played Over Black.
Fade up from Black.
A man, long haired and dressed in dark clothing, is playing an acoustic guitar upon a park bench. His fingers strum the strings and we hear his voice fill the air.
SINGER
Ah, you may leave here, for four days in space,
But when your return, it’s the same old place,
The poundin’ of the drums, the pride and disgrace,
You can bury your dead, but don’t leave a trace,
Hate your next-door-neighbor, but don’t forget to say grace,
And you tell me over and over and over and over again my friend,
you don’t believe we’re on the eve of destruction.
The singer stops suddenly, parting aside his hair and revealing dark eyes.
They narrow.
SINGER
(hostile)
Wasn’t looking for an audience.
WARD suddenly steps forward, looking about and seemingly unfazed by the man’s tone.
WARD
I couldn’t resist the music.
People call me Ward.
SINGER
People call me MidgardMetal.
(harsh laughter)
and looks like I’m a siren.
WARD
Your call leads to people’s destruction?
MIDGARDMETAL
(grinning)
Well, my guitar playing does.
WARD
I didn’t notice any destruction
going on while you were playing.
(looks around)
Must’ve missed the opening number.
MIDGARDMETAL
(laughs)
Not this little thing.
(tosses aside acoustic guitar)
This one.
MIDGARDMETAL brings out a terrifying looking black electric guitar that has various devices attached to it. He grins, a pick appearing in his hand.
WARD
(looking about)
It caused all of this?
A scene of vast devastation.
Bodies lie broken in the streets.
Buildings are shattered and rubble.
The sky is thick with the haze from uncontrolled fires.
A city in ruins.
MIDGARDMETAL
You should see my rendition of
“Stairway to Heaven”.
(grins)
It brings down the house.
WARD
(smiling)
How do you feel about killing and
maiming for fun and profit?
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
