TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

Most of the crew are there, sitting about, shooting the breeze, and drinking various beers – we catch a glimpse of some of the labels and note that they are obviously from alternate timelines – except LANDSHARK who is genteelly sipping a cup of tea.

DOCTOR WHAT walks in with THANDE walking beside him; the two are halfway through an argument.

DOCTOR WHAT
…don’t care about the possible benefits!
You’re not testing it on us!

THANDE
(sulkily)
Fine.

On a nearby table, MATT is holding a beer bottle and is in a heated discussion with WEAPON M.

WEAPON M
(spreading his arms a foot apart)
It was only THIS big!

MATT
Bullshit! That BFG I nearly
bought in that cyberpunk TL
was THIS big!

MATT spreads his arms very wide, incidentally jabbing DOCTOR WHAT in the hip with the hand holding the bottle of beer. DOCTOR WHAT looks down and then, looking touched at MATT’s apparently generous gesture, grabs the bottle and drinks it down in one gulp, then quickly replaces the empty bottle in MATT’s hand. MATT continues arguing, not noticing.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to THANDE)
So anyway, just get rid of that truth drug of yours!
(pause)
Where are you storing it, anyway?

THANDE
(evil grin)
Oh…I kind of mixed it with our store of booze…

DOCTOR WHAT stares at the crew in horror. In the background, we see MATT attempt to take a sip from his empty bottle, then look at it in puzzlement.

DOCTOR WHAT
You mean…

THANDE
(loudly)
Time for a test!
Let’s see if the truth drug works!
(to crew)
Hands up who’s wearing women’s underwear!

EVERYONE raises their hand. Except IRONYUPPIE.

THANDE
(shrugs)
Seems to work…

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
I’m going to dock your chloroform allowance-

LEO CAESIUS
(VO; interrupting)
Attention, attention.
Unknown ship detected.
Intercept course plotted.

DOCTOR WHAT stares at his crew, then gives a sharp nod.

DOCTOR WHAT
Move it!

The crew run out of the mess hall, incidentally trampling over THANDE. Escept for LUAKEL who runs over to the trampled THANDE and gives him a quick kick to the crothc.

THANDE
(gasping)
Why????

LUAKEL
I thought you were a piñata filled with candy.

LUAKEL gives THANDE another kick to the crotch.

THANDE
(confused)
Where’s the candy???

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room is fairly dark; it’s the night shift. On duty are HENDRYK, GBW and MICHAEL.

HENDRYK
La Docteur!
Voila la bateau d’espace etrange!

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding in incomprehension)
Oui, oui, très bien…

GBW
Observe!

GBW adjusts the main screen view and we see a magnified image of a ship appear on the screen. Roughly the same design as the AH.com (and CF.net) ships, but it looks damaged, or perhaps just neglected. No lights are on. It looks like a ghost ship, drifting in space.

DOCTOR WHAT
(tugging his shirt macho-ly)
Hail them.

GBW
Sir we have not been able to make that
Weather Control Device we found work
yet. I contact Dave and see if he’s had
any luck figuring it out.

DOCTOR WHAT
I meant send them a comm message!

GBW
Then why didn’t you just say that?!

DOCTOR WHAT
Because I watched a lot of Star Trek as a child!
Just do it!

Muttering to himself, GBW complies. A new image appears on the screen: a bridge much like the AH.com ship’s, but again looking battered and poorly maintained: a lot of the panels are open and sparking cables are visible. In addition, the view is at an odd angle, as though the camera is damaged.

The bridge seems dark and deserted.

DOCTOR WHAT
(tentatively)
Er…hello?

VOICE
(off camera)
Wow! great! new members at last!

A huge face suddenly appears in the view, distorted by the fish-eye camera lens. Everyone reflexively draws back.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa!

The figure adjusts the camera and we get a more in-focus view.

FIGURE
(cheerfully)
welcome to the good ship IP.Net!
i’m captain Chingo360 and
this is my first mate, Luakel!

The figure leans to one side and an ALT-LUAKEL appears next to him, waving, with a grin on his face. This LUAKEL is dressed a bit more rakishly than our LUAKEL and has an eye patch on.

ALT-LUAKEL
Hallo. Someone’s got to
keep Captain Chingo in line…

LUAKEL
(on AH.com ship bridge; grumbling)
Great. Another alternate me.
This means the REAL me will be passed
over in yet another episode…

EVERYONE ELSE, INCLUDING ALT-LUAKEL
Shut up Urkel you n00b.

DOCTOR WHAT
Look, look, look.
Can we have a moment of calm and sanity?

Everyone looks in horror/surprise at DOCTOR WHAT, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN actually passes out from the shock. MICHAEL catches him as he falls and helpfully lays him on a bed of nails, handed to him by FLOCCULENCIO. MICHAEL and FLOCCULENCIO grin and high-five.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, I mean it.
(to CHINGO360)
Hey, do you have any more crewmembers?

CHINGO360 scowls; it’s obvious this is a sensitive subject.

CHINGO360
no…but now you’re here we
can be a real exciting ship!

DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes at the others.

LANDSHARK
How about we off him and
sell the ship at the Hub for scrap?

IRONYUPPIE
What an awful thing to say, Sharky!
(pause)
We’d get MUCH more under the salvage code!

LANDSHARK
True…

DOCTOR WHAT
(to CHINGO)
Of course we wouldn’t do anything like that!
(winks at the others)
But perhaps you’d like to come with us to
the Hub anyway?

ALT-LUAKEL
Love to, but our ship needs repairs.

DOCTOR WHAT
We can send our people over to
help you make them.
(winks again)
Anything to help a fellow crosstimer…

CHINGO360
okely dokely

The image vanishes and is replaced by that of the ship again.

DOCTOR WHAT turns to the crew and nods firmly.

DOCTOR WHAT
So you understand what we’ve got to do?

OTHNIEL
We help them on their way
and then help them recruit
more crew at the Hub?

Everyone laughs.

DOCTOR WHAT
And seriously?

MICHAEL
We fix ’em up enough
to get them there, then sell the ship-

IRONYUPPIE
-and them into slavery-

MICHAEL
-when we get there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good.

OTHNIEL
I thought we were supposed to be the good guys?

DIAMOND
Y’see it’s kind of like prision. You may be straight as
an arrow when you go in, but then there’s that moment
when… the opportunity arises. I doesn’t mean you’re
gay, just… opportunistic.
(smiles}

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, everyone to their assignments!

The crew breaks up, many of them exiting the bridge. HENDRYK remains behind with DOCTOR WHAT.

HENDRYK
Nicely done, Great One.

DOCTOR WHAT
(modestly)
I tricked him good, didn’t I?

INT. – IP.NET SHIP – BRIDGE – DARKNESS

The image of DOCTOR WHAT vanishes off CHINGO’s screen and is replaced by a view of the AH.com ship. CHINGO and ALT-LUAKEL turn around, nervously, and we see a series of shadowy figures in chairs sitting behind them.

FIGURE 1
Good work, you two.

FIGURE 2
(sneering)
Not even they could
mess this one up.

CHINGO360
i don’t like this plan…it’s mean.

ALT-LUAKEL
And entirely outside my liberal sensibilities.

FIGURE 2
(nastily)
You shall obey our commands or…

CHINGO360
you wouldn’t!

FIGURE
Yes! We shall make hurtful comments about you!

CHINGO360
nooo…anything but that…

FIGURE 1
Now go to work!

Cowering, CHINGO360 and ALT-LUAKEL leave the bridge. The FIGURES – there are three of them – turn to each other.

FIGURE 1
Our plan moves forward.
My master shall soon be freed.

FIGURE 2
And the true faith shall spread
throughout the Cosmos.

FIGURE 1
Yes.

FIGURE 3
and teh nazi pirarte cthulthu-worshsiping
serbin repubilcan emipre shlal ries agnian!

FIGURES 1 AND 2
SHUT UP!

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“A WRETCHED HIVE OF SCUM AND VILLAINY”

Written By : THANDE

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

G.BONE is sitting on a swivel chair, with his feet up on the teleporter control console. He is reading a copy of Playboy; however, as he turns the page, it falls away to reveal that he is actually using it to cover the fact that he’s reading ‘the Collected Speeches of Otto von Bismarck’. G.BONE looks guiltily and hastily re-covers the book with his Playboy.

G.BONE
(humming to himself)
Deutschland, Deutschland, über alles…

G.BONE starts tapping his foot, on the desk, in time with his humming. This incidentally flicks a switch on and off, and we see the teleporter pads flickering on and off in time with the switch. As we watch, a mosquito buzzes across the room and intersects one of the beams as it lights up, vanishing. G.BONE keeps humming and flicking the switch with his foot; then the second pad illuminates and a GIANT MAN-SIZE SLAVERING MOSQUITO materialises.

The MOSQUITO pulls out a knife and fork and begins looking critically at G.BONE, licking its lips. Its giant wings continue to buzz.

G.BONE
(without looking up)
Hey, dude, quit it with the buzzing,
it’s really irritating…

G.BONE looks up.

G.BONE
(brightly)
Oh crap!

MOSQUITO
(insectile voice)
I am hungry…

G.BONE pulls out a fire axe from underneath the console and holds it in front of him, wavering.

G.BONE
You’re not getting my blood!
I have a black belt in origami!

The axe head falls off the handle and drops on G.BONE’s foot. He immediately shouts in pain, grabs his foot and begins comically hopping around the room.

MOSQUITO
(impatiently)
I don’t drink blood! I’m a male!
(dreamily)
Just show me where the flowers are…

G.BONE
Uh, try hydroponics on Deck 10.

MOSQUITO
Thanks.

The MOSQUITO exits, half flying, half walking. G.BONE shrugs, massages his foot, and then goes back to reading his Playboy/Bismarck.

G.BONE
(half to himself)
Business as unusual on the good ship AH.com.

The doors open again and G.BONE looks up, grabbing around for his useless axe.

DOCTOR WHAT
(for it is he)
Hey, what are you doing?

G.BONE
(relieved)
Oh, it’s you.
What am I doing? Umm…
(firmly)
Techie stuff. You know, verrry advanced
teleporter repair stuff sort of thing.

DOCTOR WHAT
(not bothering to listen)
Right, right.
Listen, we need to be teleported
Over to that new ship out there.

G.BONE
We?

DOCTOR WHAT steps aside to reveal that behind him are OTHNIEL and LUAKEL.

OTHNIEL
How come he picked the most moral
and idealistic of us to perpetrate this
vile deed so it will torment us into the night?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
I’ve been taking evil lessons from Erikka.

DAVE HOWERY also steps into the room.

DAVE HOWERY
What’s the logic behind bringing me then,
Canuck boy?

DOCTOR WHAT
I need someone who can fix their engines
good enough to get to the Hub, but not
so well that they can fly off on their own
and rob us of our prize.

DAVE HOWERY
Wow, thanks for the compliment!
(pause)
Er, that is a compliment, right?

OTHNIEL, DAVE HOWERY, LUAKEL and DOCTOR WHAT all step onto the pad.

LUAKEL
(nervously)
Are you sure this is safe?

G.BONE
Sure, I’ve never been hurt once
while I’ve been working the controls.

LUAKEL opens and shuts his mouth in confusion.

DOCTOR WHAT
(instead of ‘Energise’)
Arouse-my-thighs!

G.BONE presses a button apathetically – the four AH.commers vanish in a loud pop. G.BONE shrugs and goes back to reading his Playboy/Bismarck. A long, black, sinister insectile claw taps him on the shoulder.

MOSQUITO
(VO)
Umm…where’s Deck 10…?

G.BONE
(without looking around)
It’s between Decks 9 and 11!

INT. – IP.NET – BRIDGE – ‘NIGHT’

The four AH.commers materialise on the bridge of the IP.net. As we saw on the comm transmission, it’s identical to the AH.com bridge in design but is a dark, battered place with malfunctioning, sparking consoles and flickering lights. The AH.commers step off the little platform where they appeared – DAVE HOWERY immediately drops through a weak patch in the floor. We hear him screaming and cursing, then a loud THUMP.

DAVE’s POV – we see the faces of DOCTOR WHAT, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL surrounding the hole in the floor (his ‘ceiling’).

OTHNIEL
You all right, Mr. Howery?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, we need you to fix the ship!

DAVE HOWERY
(VO)
Ugh…what have I landed in?!

LUAKEL
(craning his neck)
I’m not sure, but it looks to me like
bootleg maple syrup…

DAVE HOWERY
(VO)
Oh, man, what is that smell?

LUAKEL
Depression, patheticness?

We hear DAVE HOWERY screaming again.

Go back to the AH.commers’ point of view. DOCTOR WHAT straightens up as the IP.net bridge door opens – though slowly, and it sticks halfway through. Through the remaining gap come the young captain and first mate, CHINGO360 and ALT-LUAKEL.

CHINGO360
yay! your here!
now we’ve tripled our membership!

DOCTOR WHAT
(humouring him)
Of course you have.

OTHNIEL points at the hole.

OTHNIEL

Our friend here just fell down this hole.

LUAKEL
Entirely because the floor just happens
to be weak in that one place.

DOCTOR WHAT
And not at all because of the two-for-one
super saver deal at Wendy’s this month.

DAVE HOWERY (VO; echoing from hole)
I’M RIGHT HERE!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
So how about you help us get him out?
We need him to fix your ship.

ALT-LUAKEL and CHINGO360 exchange significant looks.

ALT-LUAKEL
Um…I’ll do it.
Captain Chingo can show you
the rest of the ship,
(nudges him)
Can’t you, Captain Chingo?

CHINGO360
um, yeah, right, whatever…

DOCTOR WHAT, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL shrug at each other and follow CHINGO360 out of the door. ALT-LUAKEL looks anxiously at their retreating backs, then cups his hands to his mouth and shouts down the hole.

ALT-LUAKEL
Don’t worry!
I’ll get you out in no time
with my Canadian-built
articulated space manipulator arm!

We hear DAVE HOWERY’s echoing groan.

INT. – IP.NET – CORRIDOR – ‘NIGHT’

The dark corridor is lit only by a few, flickering lamps. Some of the wall displays actually explode as the AH.commers go past. LUAKEL shrinks away from them.

DOCTOR WHAT
So where are we going?

CHINGO360
(shrinking as though accused)
nowhere! nowhere special!
(sighs to himself)
everyone hates my ship.
i’m leaving…

CHINGO360 goes as though to run for an escape pod hatch; OTHNIEL puts the slightest restraining touch on his arm and he immediately gives up. OTHNIEL rolls his eyes at DOCTOR WHAT and LUAKEL.

CHINGO360
(pointing at a door)
here we are! in here!

DOCTOR WHAT
(keenly interested)
Do you have any porn?

CHINGO360
(looking guilty)
um…not the usual sort…

OTHNIEL
(stridently)
Porn! Pah! I must burn it from the earth!

LUAKEL
But we’re in space…

OTHNIEL
Stop being logical, man! It’s bad for you!

OTHNIEL strides through the door. DOCTOR WHAT and LUAKEL shrug, then follow him. CHINGO360, looking worried, quickly pulls down on the door handle and the doors slide shut, then we hear the sound of the lock. CHINGO360 turns away, his expression a mixture of glee and guilt.

INT. – IP.NET – DARKENED ROOM – ‘NIGHT’

This room is even darker than all the others. The three AH.commers step into it, then hear the door click shut behind them and whirl around.

DOCTOR WHAT
(cursing)
He locked us in! The little bastard locked us in!

LUAKEL
Who’da thunk it, eh?

OTHNIEL
Never mind. We shall go after him
and exact our righteous retribution
once we have destroyed his stocks of
vile pornography-

VOICE FROM SHADOWS
Silence, Anabaptist heretic!

The three AH.commers freeze. They can suddenly see the faintly outlined figures of three people sitting in chairs.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the…?
Who are you?

OTHNIEL
(paling)
I know that voice…

VOICE
As well you should…

ANOTHER VOICE
hehe! shuold suonds liek cnut!

THIRD VOICE
SHUT UP! Anyone would think you were a Jew!

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
And I know that voice.
(cups his hand to his mouth)
Come out, Molobo, and bring your
little Fallen friends with you.

The lights flicker on, revealing the three figures in the chairs.

The one in the centre is the broadset figure of MOLOBO. On his right hand sits his apprentice, KADYET, who keeps shifting uncomfortably in his seat. On his left hand sits a dribbling, barely human creature, RADICAL_NEUTURAL. All three of them are wearing Ominous Black Hooded Cloaks™.

KADYET
We meet again.

OTHNIEL
What the H-E-double hockeysticks
is going on here?!!

MOLOBO
(sneering)
Silence.
You are but pawns in our grand plan,
the greatest in history since the founding of Wikipedia.

DOCTOR WHAT
What plan?
You know that in the Evil Villain Code of Conduct™
you have to tell us your evil plan now.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
(spitting bile)
fcuk off yuo fcukin crakchead!

MOLOBO
(raising a hand)
Silence. No, I will tell you.

MOLOBO rises from his throne and begins pacing back and forth melodramatically. KADYET and RADICAL_NEUTURAL also rise, but stand still – KADYET winces as he stands up, and RADICAL_NEUTURAL seems to have to concentrate to stand upright without toppling over – he moves as though each part of his body were controlled by someone different.

MOLOBO
(dramatically)
You know how an alliance of you
pathetic losers and your much cooler
allies, the CF.netters, defeated my
Master’s attempt to conquer the Hub.

DOCTOR WHAT
(scratching his head)
You mean Mike Collins?
It was Ian who defeated him.
We just came along for the ride.

KADYET
Silence! Blasphemy!
The one known as Ian is nothing!

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
zlich.

OTHNIEL
Hoo boy, they’re playing with fire…

MOLOBO
Enough.
Kadyet, begin.

KADYET smirks and pulls out what looks like a control remote, pressing a button. Apparently nothing happens.

DOCTOR WHAT
Y’know, I hate to break it to you,
but your garage door ain’t opening –
aaargh!

DOCTOR WHAT topples over. OTHNIEL and LUAKEL turn around in horror and see that a well-remembered, brightly coloured GOOGLE SPIDER is fastened to his ankle, its fangs embedded in his flesh. Small wisps of smoke rise from the twin wounds.

LUAKEL
What the…?!

KADYET
(smirking)
A little gift I acquired from a mutually
beneficial transaction. The Google Spiders
do not merely knock out the victim, either…

As he speaks, a second GOOGLE SPIDER suddenly drops from above onto OTHNIEL’s head, injecting him with its venom before he can react. OTHNIEL topples onto the floor beside DOCTOR WHAT.

KADYET
(continuing)
…they also extract their victim’s DNA.
Meaning that their victim’s appearance
is now mine to control…

LUAKEL
(backing away)
Y’know, I’ve spoken with Thande and Torq
about this and I’m pretty sure that’s not how
DNA works, you see, and – aaargh!!

LUAKEL backs straight into another GOOGLE SPIDER. It bites him and he topples over. He watches, barely conscious, the next scene as KADYET pulls three small devices out of his pocket and hands two of them to MOLOBO and RADICAL_NEUTURAL.

MOLOBO

Are you sure these will work?

KADYET
They worked when I tested them
with Radical and that stuffed stag.

MOLOBO
And he was a lot more coherent then, too…

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
I hat yuo fcukin crackheads…

MOLOBO places the little device under a fold of his robe – it adheres to his skin – and presses a button on it. As he does so, his appearance flickers and changes to that of DOCTOR WHAT.

MOLOBO WHAT
(speaking in What’s voice too)
Hey, it works!
(frowning)
But now for some reason I find the
Wikipedia entries about Poland strangely…
(as though searching for an unfamiliar word)
…arousing?

KADYET
There may be some minor side effects…

KADYET presses his own button, flickers and takes on the appearance of OTHNIEL.

OTHYET
Good, it works. And I still firmly believe
in the doctrine of consubstantiation, so
there weren’t any side effects.

MOLOBO WHAT
Don’t you mean transubstantiation?

OTHYET
(confused)
That’s what I said, isn’t it?

RADICAL_NEUTURAL taps his own device and takes on the appearance of LUAKEL, but this is a LUAKEL who walks about like a gangling madman and has an insane red look in his eyes.

RADICAL_LUAKEL
Hey! You know, I feel much more liberal now,
but you two are still a pair of fucking crackheads.

MOLOBO WHAT
Good – it’s worked. Next phase of the plan.

ALL THREE
JAILBREAK!

Pan down to the real LUAKEL, barely conscious, as he watches this.

LUAKEL
Oh no…

He passes out.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – IP.NET – BRIDGE – ‘NIGHT’

DAVE HOWERY has been rescued from the pit and is currently halfway inside one of the consoles, having lifted the panel off. ALT-LUAKEL stands beside him, carrying a toolbox from which DAVE HOWERY occasionally takes a different tool and fiddles with the console.

As we watch, DAVE HOWERY picks up a particularly large screwdriver and uses it to a prod a component. It gives off a spark and a puff of black smoke. ALT-LUAKEL nervously retreats a step, but DAVE HOWERY smiles and nods.

DAVE HOWERY
Good – almost perfect –
now all I need to do is –

He uses the screwdriver to prod the component even harder. This time it explodes, sending a great cloud of black smoke to the ceiling, a massive flash of lightning-like electricity that crackles over all the nearby consoles, shorting them out, and sends DAVE HOWERY flying head over heels, his hair and beard on fire, only to crash into ALT-LUAKEL and knock him to the floor.

DAVE HOWERY
(beating out his beard)
Ah, thanks, Urkel of the Week.

ALT-LUAKEL
(crushed)
Mmmmfff no problem…

DAVE HOWERY gets up and nods to himself.

DAVE HOWERY
Any moment now…

Suddenly all the lights come on and the consoles light up. There is a hum in the background, and suddenly the whole ship is working again.

ALT-LUAKEL
How the hell did you manage that?!

DAVE HOWERY
When you live in a rectangular state,
it pays to know these things.

The doors open – not sticking this time – and in come MOLOBO WHAT, RADICAL_LUAKEL, OTHYET and CHINGO360, who has a fake cheesy grin plastered across his face to hide the worry.

CHINGO360
well i showed them ‘it’, anyway…

ALT-LUAKEL
(hurriedly)
Good.

DAVE HOWERY
(to MOLOBO WHAT)
I fixed it just like you wanted, Doc,
if you catch my drift…

DAVE HOWERY winks at MOLOBO WHAT. MOLOBO WHAT recoils.

MOLOBO WHAT
Er – you’re not one of those shirtlifters
on that ship they tell me about, are you?

DAVE HOWERY
What?

MOLOBO WHAT
(hastily)
Umm…yeah, that’s me!

DAVE HOWERY
So what now?

MOLOBO WHAT
Oh yes. I’m the captain.
(commanding voice)
Take this ship to the Hub!

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, sheesh. Damned slave driver.

DAVE HOWERY presses a switch on a console. The IP.net begins to form a red vortex in front of it, but several of the consoles begin to overhead. One of them explodes and a gout of white smoke is emitted from it.

OTHYET
(pointing at smoke, excitedly)
Habeas papam!

DAVE HOWERY
(puzzled)
What?

MOLOBO WHAT
Yes?

DAVE HOWERY
Never mind.

DAVE HOWERY picks up his comm.

DAVE HOWERY Leo? We’re proceeding to the Hub as planned.

LEO CAESIUS
(VO)
Roger that.
(pause)
No, KIT! Stop rogering that immediately!
(pause)
We’re right behind you, Dave.
(pause)
That’s not what I meant either, KIT!

DAVE HOWERY
(sighing)
Acknowledged – Howery out.

DAVE HOWERY hits a button.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

The IP.Net shoots forward into its red vortex. The AH.Com immediately projects a vortex of its own and follows.

EXT. – THE HUB = NIGHT

The IP.Net and the AH.Com emerge from their vortices and head towards the docks of the Hub.

INT. – IP.NET – BRIDGE – NIGHT

The three disguised Fallen look keenly on as the Hub unfolds before them.

RADICAL_LUAKEL
That’s really cool! All it needs are
Cthulthu-worshipping pirate Nazis!

DAVE HOWERY
(frowning)
Are you feeling all right, Urkel?

RADICAL_LUAKEL
(brightly)
One hundred and ten percent,
you fuccking crackhead!

MOLOBO WHAT hastily shushes him.

MOLOBO WHAT
Bring us to the docks, Dave.

INT. – THE HUB – PRISON CELL – NIGHT

The cell is a bleak affair of whitewashed concrete. The walls are covered with violent posters advertising films about the Korean and Vietnam wars. In the cell, MIKE COLLINS, now with a long beard, is sitting on a rough prison bed and playing a harmonica.

MIKE COLLINS
(singing, to the tune of
‘Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly’)
You’re a bunch of liberal pussies!
Nya nya nya nya nya, nya nya nya nya!
Just a bunch of worthless lefties!
Nya nya nya nya nya, nya nya nya nya!
F**k off with your gay old bumchums
Nya nya nya, nya nya nya, nya nya nyaaa!
Sing your anti-American propaganda,
Nya nya nya nya nya, nya nya nya nya!

We hear a banging on the door and the tiny opening shoots back to reveal the face of IAN beyond.

IAN
Keep it down, Collins.

MIKE COLLINS
One of these days, Montgomerie, you
won’t have to worry about it any more.
Reason being I’ll be out of here…
and you’ll be dead, D, E, D, dead.

IAN
Yeah, right.
Call me when you’ve visited the planet
known to the rest of us as Reality.

MIKE COLLINS
Funny, I was about to say the same thing…

IAN slams shut the opening. MIKE COLLINS twiddles his thumbs for a moment, then glances up through the tiny, barred window high on the prison wall. We see the IP.Net and the AH.Com fly past; COLLINS’ eyes narrow.

Then he shrugs and pulls a piece of string; a complicated arrangement of pulleys and wires goes into play, and at the end of it, a piece of nuts and fat on the end of a long pole is slid just outside the window. We then remain focused on COLLINS.

MIKE COLLINS
There was a guy in Alcatraz who
lived out a life of freedom through birds…

We hear the sound of a bird landing, a strangled squawk, see a series of feathers drifting down, and then the sound of a microwave oven. At the end of it, MIKE COLLINS, no expression on his face, puts out his hand and lets a small but beautifully done game-bird drop into it from above.

MIKE COLLINS
Me, I prefer to let the birds live out
a life of freedom in my stomach.

He takes a bite.

INT. – THE PUB IN THE HUB – DAY

The three fake AH.commers walk into the Hub, followed at a short distance by DAVE HOWERY, who is reading with interest a travel guide which he has just picked up off a nearby counter. Its title reads ‘TOP 100 MANIFEST DESTINY WANKFEST TIMELINES’. As he is reading, he falls behind the three fakes.

MOLOBO WHAT goes up to the bar and is met by another avatar of IAN.

IAN
Evening, Doc. Your usual.

MOLOBO WHAT
Errr, sure.

IAN pours a ridiculously large cocktail. MOLOBO WHAT gulps, but resolutely drinks it in one draught.

IAN
Wow, you don’t normally drink it that way, Doc.

MOLOBO WHAT
(his voice a bit high)
Nothing compared to what we had in Poland.
Err, I mean Italy – Canada – Italy – Canada?

IAN
(ignoring him)
So what’s up?

MOLOBO WHAT
Um, you know, the usual…
Tell him, Othniel.

OTHYET
Yeah, for instance, we visited this
really cool TL with a Latin Confederacy and-

IAN
Pshaw, not more Confederate victories,
I’d rather take my own appendix out.
(to RADICAL_LUAKEL)
What’ll it be for you, Luakel? Coke?

RADICAL_LUAKEL
(brightens up)
Sure! But I’d rather have crystal meths
if it’s all the same to you-

MOLOBO WHAT
(shushing him again)
So what’s that, uh, evil guy Collins been up to?

IAN
(laughs)
Heh, you don’t have to worry about him.
Just as sad and pathetic as ever…

MOLOBO is clearly angry and a bit of it is transmitted into MOLOBO WHAT’s eyes.

IAN
(reading his eyes)
Yeah, I know, he did a lot of damage to
my stuff too, but don’t worry, he can’t
cause any trouble now…

MOLOBO WHAT
Uh – sure. But whereabouts do you
have him on ice?

IAN
(carelessly)
Oh, just my most secure cell in the
heart of the Hub Citadel.

MOLOBO WHAT
(gulping)
Right. Sure. Thanks…Ian.

RADICAL_LUAKEL
Yeah, you’re not half so big
a fucking crackhead as the
rest of them…

The three fake AH.commers walk away. IAN looks puzzled, then shrugs and goes back to cleaning a glass with a cloth.

IAN
Probably just more duplicates
of them from a mirror timeline…

We pan over to DAVE HOWERY, who regretfully puts down his magazine.

DAVE HOWERY
Dammit. Mexico, Mexico, and more damn Mexico.
Why can’t these people see that their destiny lies
in the conquest of the frozen north…

Suddenly, DOCTOR WHAT, LUAKEL and OTHNIEL burst in. They’re the real ones, still with puncture wounds on their ankles and looking wild-eyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dave!

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, there you are. Thought I’d
lost you at the counter-

DOCTOR WHAT
Dave! That wasn’t us!

DAVE HOWERY
What? Oh God, not more
damned mirror duplicates…

LUAKEL
(excitedly)
Nonononono!
They were three of the Fallen
disguised as us!

OTHNIEL
(grimly)
The Papist scum Molobo and Kadyet…

DOCTOR WHAT
And the, er, well, just scum Radical_Neutural.

DAVE HOWERY (thinking)
Geez, that explains a lot.

DOCTOR WHAT
They’ve come here to bust Mike Collins
out of prison! We have to stop them!

DAVE HOWERY
Okay. Just tell Ian.

They turn towards the bar, but the IAN avatar has gone.

DOCTOR WHAT
(cursing)
Just when we need him-

VOICE
You looking for the Admin?
I know where he went.

They turn towards a new figure, a slick-looking character with obviously whitened teeth and dyed black hair. He speaks with a faint southern US accent.

MAN
He got suspicious of those three guys who
asked the directions to Chez Collins.
(laughs)
Decided to go after them.

DOCTOR WHAT
(puzzledly)
But why, when he can generate an avatar anywhere?

MAN
(shrugs)
Who knows what goes through THAT mind…

DOCTOR WHAT

Okay. Take us to the Collins cell!

OTHNIEL
And by the way, what’s your name?

MAN
Oh, it’s not important…
You can call me…
BLAINE HESS.

He smirks at them, then turns and walks away – the AH.commers follow.

Then, just after they have gone, IAN emerges from a door on the wall, buttoning up his trousers. Through the door, we get a faint glimpse of another timeline – it’s outdoors, and there’s a suggestion of rushing water.

IAN
Geez. One of these days I’ll have to invent
an avatar that doesn’t need to take a leak.
(happily)
Still, at least those folks in the Conquistador
timeline won’t notice a little pollution in their
Niagara Falls.
(he looks around)
Hey, where’d those bozos go?

EXT. – OUTSIDE HUB CITADEL – DAY

MOLOBO WHAT, RADICAL_LUAKEL and OTHYET look at the entrance, which is guarded by two mismatched guards: one is a tough Roman legionary wearing, incongruously, a female Islamic headscarf, while the other is a Viking carrying an AK47. The only thing that links them is the badge they both wear, with a letter I on a stylised representation of the Hub.

MOLOBO WHAT
(cursing)
Some of Montgomerie’s guards.

OTHYET
Easy enough. We shall take them.

MOLOBO WHAT and OTHYET rise and pull plasma rifles from their pockets. Two quick shots and the guards fall dead, crispy fried by the plasma. The three hurriedly run over there, RADICAL_LUAKEL pausing to sample the burnt flesh of the guards.

RADICAL_LUAKEL
Mmm…finger lickin’ good!

MOLOBO WHAT
(shuddering)
Why did we link up with him again?

OTHYET
It was a condition of that deal I worked
with TheLoneAmigo…

MOLOBO WHAT

I thought that deal was too good to be true. C’mon!

They rush through the door and into the interior of the Hub. Just behind them, we see the AH.commer part hurry up, led by BLAINE HESS.

BLAINE HESS

That was them, you guys!

DOCTOR WHAT
After them!

And the AH.commers pursue.

INT. – HUB CITADEL – CELL

As before, but MIKE COLLINS is just finishing off his bird. We hear zapping sounds from outside and the sound of guards falling dead. COLLINS nods and stands up, then gathers a few items into a bag and waits patiently beside the door. A few seconds later, the huge, reinforced door is blown off its hinges inwards. Behind it, we see revealed MOLOBO WHAT and OTHYET, who were using RADICAL_LUAKEL’s head as a battering ram.

MIKE COLLINS
(nonplussed)
What the?!

MOLOBO WHAT
Oh – Master, of course you don’t
recognise me!

MOLOBO WHAT taps his disguiser and turns back into MOLOBO. The other two follow suit.

MOLOBO
It’s me, your apprentice!
I’ve come to rescue you,
for the honour of Poland!

MIKE COLLINS
But…but…this wasn’t part of the plan…

KADYET
Plan? What plan?

Suddenly the AH.commers and BLAINE HESS rush in, all wielding BFGs.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to Fallen)
Drop your weapons!
(dirty look at MOLOBO)
Steal my body, will you…
You know, I find that strangely arousing…

MOLOBO
(shuddering)
Gah!
You can’t defeat us now, not at the last hurdle-

BLAINE HESS
(smirking) Nor will they.

The AH.commers turn around to see that he is now pointing his BFG at them.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the?!

MIKE COLLINS/BLAINE HESS
(speaking in perfect synchrony)
You see…Montgomerie’s not the only
one who’s figured out how to create avatars.
Get them, my apprentices!

MOLOBO, KADYET and BLAINE HESS rake the AH.commers with plasma fire – the AH.commers quickly drop to the floor and take cover behind the bed before any of it can hit them. RADICAL_NEUTURAL fires his gun randomly at the ceiling, then tries to have his way with it.

DAVE HOWERY
Great. Every time I get to
go on an away mission, we
end up getting shot at.

LUAKEL
How do you think I feel?!
The very concept of guns revolts
my delicate teenage stomach!

MIKE COLLINS
(turning away)
Good enough.
Now I shall be free, and the
Hub shall be mine forever!

MOLOBO
(diplomatically)
Er, don’t you think we should
retreat and consolidate our forces
first, my master?

MIKE COLLINS
(grumbling)
Sounds like a goddamn French thing to do.
(sighs)
Okay, if I must.

MOLOBO
Good. We have a ship. Come on-

FAMILIAR VOICE
Oh, how pathetic.

All heads turn to reveal that, silhouetted in the smoking doorway, is the figure of IAN.

IAN
You really though this little plan would succeed, Collins?
I expected better, even from you.
Well, at least now I have a whole bushel of Fallen to
fill my cell block with.

MOLOBO
(viciously)
Never!
My life for Poland and my master!

MIKE COLLINS
(harshly)
No! Flee, my apprentices!
I’ll hold him off!

IAN
(surprised)
You will?

IAN whips off his shades and begins firing streams of red energy at the Fallen from his eyes. MIKE COLLINS puts his hands out and blocks the red beams, deflecting them, though he is forced back step by step by the force of the energy, and from his sweating, shaking form it is obviously taking a great deal of effort. Behind him, MOLOBO and KADYET hesitate.

MIKE COLLINS
Fly, you fuckers!

Suddenly IAN’s red energy beams break through COLLINS’ defence and he is thrown back against the wall, stunned. He drops to the floor, still crackling with red energy.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yay Ian…

IAN
Huh, child’s play.
(glances around)
Crap. Two of them got away.

And indeed MOLOBO and KADYET are no longer there. But IAN’s eyes travel upwards, to see that RADICAL_NEUTURAL’s random bursts tore chunks out of the wall, leading up to the tiny window – which is now smashed in. KADYET’s rear half is just going through the window as we watch – IAN growls and fires more red beams. They mostly miss at this distance, but one hits KADYET’s backside and he screams.

KADYET
You bastard!
You just melted my cool Opus Dei
barbed wire thong!

OTHNIEL
Way too much information…

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I find it rather arousing…

MOLOBO
(from window)
Take courage, Master! We’ll be back!

MOLOBO ducks away just in time to escape another blast from IAN.

DOCTOR WHAT
They’re getting away!

IAN
(snorts)
Let them. They’re small fry.
They even worship Collins, for my sake,
you can’t get sadder than that.
(looks around)
Hey…wasn’t there someone else with you?

The AH.commers look around. RADICAL_NEUTURAL is lying unconscious on the floor beside MIKE COLLINS, but BLAINE HESS is nowhere to be seen.

DOCTOR WHAT
(uncertainly)
Blaine Hess was just an avatar of Collins,
so when he was knocked out, he must have
faded away…

IAN
(unconvinced)
Maybe…

DAVE HOWERY
So – who are the drinks on, anyway?

LUAKEL
Well we’ve got that whole ship to sell…

We hear a rumble and the IP.Net takes off, flying past the window.

LUAKEL
…or not…

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh, they won’t get far.
Dave’s crappy repairs won’t last much longer.

DAVE HOWERY
(angrily)
I’m right here!

But the IP.Net keeps on going.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t understand…
Dave, you didn’t muck up your repairs properly!

DAVE HOWERY
(spreading his arms)
Hey, I’m just that good.

Everyone laughs.

DOCTOR WHAT
So – Ian – what are you doing with Collins?

IAN
Same as what I did before…
(smiles evilly)
But with a few changes…

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – IP.NET – BRIDGE – DAY

The bridge is still holding up as well as before under DAVE HOWERY’s repairs. We can see why as we pan over to where MOLOBO and KADYET are standing, staring at an exposed control panel: KADYET has wired his melted barbed-wire thong into the panel to complete the circuit.

MOLOBO Good work.
(sighs)
We failed.

KADYET
But next time we shall not…

FAMILIAR VOICE
Indeed you won’t. ’Cause I’ll be here
to make sure you ain’t f**kin’ up.

He steps forward into the light – it’s BLAINE HESS.

MOLOBO
Master, you shall lead us.

BLAINE HESS

I only have Mike Collins’ wisdom and knowledge
to guide you, Molobo, I do not have any of his power.

MOLOBO
But with your help, we shall recover him and his power.
Once and for all.

They share a solemn moment.

KADYET
Hey, what happened to the crew of
this rustbucket anyway?

MOLOBO
(shrugs)
They weren’t here when I took off –
good riddance.

INT. – THE HUB – A FOOD COURT – DAY

A pair of PATRONS, IMAJIN and HERMANUBIS, step up to a burger bar counter. HERMANUBIS bangs on the counter with a tray.

HERMANUBIS
Shop!!!

Two figures emerge from behind the counter – ALT-LUAKEL and CHINGO360, wearing McDonald’s-type fast foot server uniforms.

CHINGO360
What do you want?

HERMANUBIS
I’ll have a Triple Trent Affair with
extra French Intervention, hold the Gettysburg.

IMAJIN
And a large No Titanic Disaster, hold the ice.

ALT-LUAKEL
Here ya go.

ALT-LUAKEL hands them a tray and they walk away. CHINGO360 sighs.

CHINGO360
We lost my ship! I hate this!

ALT-LUAKEL
Look on the bright side – at least
this way we get to talk to real people.

CHINGO360
(brightens)
Yeah, there is that…

ANOTHER PATRON
Hello, can I order a burger for me to collect
later, please? The name’s Prester John…

CHINGO360 groans.

ALT-LUAKEL
Well it could be worse…

CHINGO360
How?

INT. – HUB CITADEL – CELL – NIGHT

The cell has been repaired. MIKE COLLINS sits on his bed, reading a book by Al Franken furiously; after he finishes every page, he rips it out and puts it on a pile labelled ‘Asswipes’. He has his fingers in his ears.

As we watch, the little opening in the door shoots back and IAN smirks at him.

IAN
Enjoying your new roomie, Collins?

MIKE COLLINS
(snarling)
I’ll get you for this torture, Montgomerie.

IAN
Why, I thought you had no problem with Abu Ghraib.

IAN walks away.

RADICAL_NEUTURAL
hye! yuo fcukin crakchead!
now h’bout we play misoac reath!
i cliam nazi piarte cthulthu japan!

MIKE COLLINS buries his head in his hands.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and the others step back onto the bridge.

HENDRYK
Sacre bleu, mon ami,
c’est vraiment vous?

DOCTOR WHAT
Err, yes? I think?

GBW
It’s most interesting tale, but I
don’t see how just having your
DNA would mean they could
duplicate your appearance with
clothes and everything…

Pause – everyone looks pityingly at GBW.

GBW
Sorry – logic and reason – I know.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we lost that ship, but at
least everything’s back to normal.

The bridge door opens and G.BONE runs in, pursued by STRAHA who is angrily waving a small nuclear weapon.

STRAHA You bastard! Your man-sized
mosquito ate all my weed for the pollen!

G.BONE
How do you think IT feels?

The GIANT MOSQUITO emerges from the doorway, floating along with no assistance from its wings, a dazed look in all 5000 of its eyes.

GIANT MOSQUITO
(dreamily)
So…many…beautiful…blossoms…

Pause – all look at DOCTOR WHAT

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, as normal as it ever gets around here…

.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS