AH.com: The Series

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Harbingers

Psychomeltdown / January 17, 2010 / One comment

TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- MESS HALL- DAY

We see OTHNIEL and GREY WOLF. OTHNIEL is giving a bottle to GREY WOLF.

OTHNIEL
Here—try this—you’ll like it!

GREY WOLF
(looking at bottle dubiously)
I’m not sure about this…

OTHNIEL
You’re the one who said that you wanted to try new things.
Well—this should definitely be new for you!

GREY WOLF
But what if something goes wrong?

OTHNIEL
Try it—when have I ever steered you wrong?

GREY WOLF ponders this for a second, shrugs his shoulders and chugs the bottle. He immediately starts choking and gasping and coughing.

GREY WOLF
(coughing)
Oh my God! What the hell is this stuff?!

OTHNIEL
(smiling)
It’s water!

GREY WOLF
(looking at bottle in utter confusion)
(saying word like it’s some strange foreign word)
Wah-ter?
(beat)
What is this…water…good for?
Do people actually drink this crap?

OTHNIEL rolls his eyes in disgust.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see GBW and DOCTOR WHAT walking down a corridor.

GBW
I don’t get it—of all possible timelines,
why go back to THAT one?

DOCTOR WHAT
Dude! Dinosaurs with friggin
lasers on their heads!
Pterodactyls! Giant magic
stones! Tarzan’s grandson!
Chicks with swords!
(sighs wistfully)
It will be so cool!

GBW
Cool? Matt almost fell into a sea of lava
and you almost got your head chopped
off by a crazed warlord! How can you
possibly think that place was cool?!

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at GBW with a pitying look)
Dude–Chicks. With. Swords.
(storms off)

GBW
Right–logic and reason….
(rolls eyes)

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“HARBINGERS”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

We see a vortex open up and the AH.COM ship settle into orbit around a familiar looking planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, GBW, and KIT are sitting at various stations.

DOCTOR WHAT
(really good mood)
Alrighty! LEO—prepare a couple of shuttles for—

LEO
ALERT! I am detecting a massive discharge
of energy from the Earth below!

MATT
Uh—wha–they’re attacking us?!

LEO
Negative! It is not a weapon discharge!
I am detecting….ummmmm….actually…
I’m not sure what the hell I’m detecting…

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? What’s going on?

LEO
As near as I can figure—the planet below
is undergoing massive alterations to the
localized time-space continuum.

MATT
Ummmm…and that means what in English?

LEO
The planet below is being….changed.
It is as if it’s being altered on the
quantum level. Reality itself is being replaced.

DOCTOR WHAT
Replaced? By what?

LEO
That’s the odd thing—I can’t seem to find any major changes
but my sensors indicate that it’s happening.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s happening in the Hollow Earth?

LEO
Unknown—sensors can’t penetrate that far.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voce)
Reality being replaced? No—it can’t be…could it?
(shakes head)
(normal voice)
LEO! Prepare two shuttles! Everyone—come with me!

The all rush out.

EXT. – NORTH POLE- DAY

We see two shuttles- Sibyl and Mímir – flying over a cloud-shrouded terrain made up mostly of ice and snow.

The clouds drift apart and we see that the shuttles are flying straight towards a large hole (several hundred feet across) in the surface of the ice. We see snow and mist swirling into the hole.

The shuttles fly into the hole at high speed.

EXT. – TUNNEL –DAY

We see the shuttles fly down the tunnel for a minute or so. We notice a bright white light at the end of the tunnel up ahead of the shuttles.

EXT. – JUNGLE- DAY

We see a very lush and brightly lit jungle. There is a large hole in the ground. We see the shuttles fly out of the hole at high speed.

We see the jungle stretch away from the shuttles—-and upwards. The horizon –instead of curving downwards—actually curves upwards. It continues upwards and actually appears to continue to meet thousands of miles above their heads. High overhead—roughly in the center—is a small bright sun.

One gets the distinct impression of being on the inner surface of an immense hollow ball.

The shuttles change course and fly towards a large fort-like structure off in the distance that has been built flush against a large mountain. Part of the structure is made from worked stone and looks quite old and has a vague monastery-like appearance to it. Directly in front of it—obviously heavily damaged—is a large wooden fort and palisade wall.

Way off in the distance behind the temple, however, is a wall of energy that bisects the entire Hollow Earth literally from Pole to Pole.

It is a wall of energy almost 8000 miles high.

And it is moving rapidly towards the temple.

INT. – SHUTTLE ‘MIMIR’ –DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, GBW and DIAMOND staring open-jawed at this spectacle.

DIAMOND
You have GOT to be FUCKING kidding me!

DOCTOR WHAT
Faster! Get to the temple faster, Matt!

We see the two shuttles kick into overdrive and fly towards the temple.

EXT- TEMPLE OF SHAMBALLA- DAY

We see literally dozens of people running in terror. Some of them stop and point up. We see the two shuttles come in for a landing. The ah.commers come out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get as many people on board as you can!

MATT
I don’t think we have enough room to fit that many!

DOCTOR WHAT
Then rip out the fucking seats if you have to!
Pack them in like sardines if necessary!

DOCTOR WHAT rushes off towards the entrance to the Temple.

MATT
Where the fuck are you going?!?

DOCTOR WHAT
There might be some people inside! I’ll be right back!

We see DOCTOR WHAT run off.

INT. –SHAKTI STONE OUTER CHAMBER- DAY

The doors have been left open here, allowing the giant crystal’s glow to illuminate the entire chamber. We hear DOCTOR WHAT’s voice.

DOCTOR WHAT (OV)
Hello?! Anyone here!? Hello?!

We see DOCTOR WHAT run into the chamber.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hello! Anyone in here-

We see DOCTOR WHAT stop and stare at the Stone.

TIGHT ON – DOCTOR WHAT’s eye.

Flash of light F/X

We are looking at what is clearly a flashback that DOCTOR WHAT is having.

DOCTOR WHAT is staring at the giant white crystalline Stone with a shocked look on his face. LORD GREYSTROKE is nearby.

DOCTOR WHAT
That stone…it must hold…it must harness…

LORD GREYSTROKE
…massive amounts of energy, yes. According to
the monks, the Stone can heal. Or destroy. It can
even give you visions of the future.
(beat)
Depending on the actions and
minds of those who possess it.

Flash of light F/X

Another flashback

DEMOS and DOCTOR WHAT are fighting with their swords. DOCTOR WHAT is jumping around evading Demos’ attacks, much to his obvious frustration.

DEMOS
Die already, you bastard! Stop jumping
around and accept your fate!

DOCTOR WHAT
(through clenched teeth as he parries several blows)
Not…going…to make it…easy…for…you…

DEMOS
I’ve waited my whole life to take over this world
and I WILL not allow some useless newcomer
stop me from my destiny!

DOCTOR WHAT
We newcomers seem to be doing a good job
in destroying your army, asshat!

DEMOS screams and launches a massive barrage of attacks on DOCTOR WHAT. DOCTOR WHAT is slowly being pushed towards the Stone by the attacks.

We see DOCTOR WHAT’s hand brush the Stone. There’s a spark of light.

TIGHT ON: DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes. For just a split second, they glow white.

We see just a quick flash of images—almost completely imperceptible.

Almost.

Flames. Dark shapes. Screams.

DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes turn back to normal.

DOCTOR WHAT trips and falls backwards onto the ground, dropping his sword in the process.

DOCTOR WHAT looks up to see DEMOS bringing the sword towards his neck…

Flash of light F/X

TIGHT ON – DOCTOR WHAT’s eye.

We are back in the present with DOCTOR WHAT still staring at the Stone, shaking his head in confusion.

FEMALE VOICE (o.v.)
You came back!

DOCTOR WHAT turns to face the voice.

DOCTOR WHAT
ANNA PYM!

We see a young woman standing by the doorway.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell is happening here, Anna?!

ANNA PYM
(depressed voice)
Our world…is being destroyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Who did this? How? WHY?!

ANNA PYM
(shaking head)
I don’t know…
(beat)
You are here with a shuttle?

DOCTOR WHAT
Two of them—my crew are rescuing
survivors as we speak.
We should be going too!

ANNA PYM
NO! We have to save the Stone!

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you nuts?!
We don’t have time!
We have to go NOW!

ANNA PYM
(shaking head defiantly)
No! Much power in the Stone!
It can help our people—many
OTHER people too! We can’t
allow it to be destroyed!

She rushes towards the Stone and grabs one of the handles of the metal ‘basket’ the Stone is resting in. Very slowly she starts moving it—but it’s obviously almost too heavy for her alone.

We see DOCTOR WHAT looking back and forth between ANNA and the doorway, obviously torn by indecision for a few seconds. Seemingly making up his mind, he takes a step or two away from her and towards the doorway…

…and stops.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah—fuck it!

He turns around and rushes back towards the Stone and starts helping ANNA move it.

EXT. – COURTYARD- DAY

We see the ah.commers moving people into the shuttles. MATT looks up at the sky.

We see the wall of energy is very close to the temple.

MATT
Doc—where the fuck are you?….

INT. TEMPLE CORRIDOR- DAY

We see ANNA PYM and DOCTOR WHAT moving the Stone down the corridor as fast as they can.

EXT. – COURTYARD- DAY

We see the wall of energy come into contact with the Inner Sun. For one brief instant it looks like the Inner Sun might survive.

But it doesn’t.

The Inner Sun suddenly vanishes before our eyes instantly—like it was simply erased.

The entire Hollow Earth is now plunged into Darkness for the first time in its existence. The entire Hollow Earth suddenly starts shaking as if the entire world is undergoing a massive earthquake. The only illumination comes from the giant wall of energy sweeping across the land.

It’s very close to the Temple now.

MATT and some of the AH.commers and survivors get thrown to the ground by the shaking.

INT. TEMPLE CORRIDOR- DAY

We see the entire Temple shaking violently. Both DOCTOR WHAT and ANNA PYM fall to the ground. The Stone wobbles for a second—and then falls as well.

Right on top of DOCTOR WHAT!

We see DOCTOR WHAT instinctively stretch out his hands to protect himself.

TIGHT ON—DOCTOR WHAT’s hands coming into contact with the Stone’s surface.

TIGHT ON- DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes. They glow for an instant.

Flash of light F/X

We see rapid flashes of images. And over the flashes of images—the sound of someone laughing maniacally.

Flames. Buildings on fire. Strange looking black spaceships firing lasers. Explosions. People running in panic through a crowded street.

The laughing sound gets louder.

The Hub. Pristine condition one instant—in complete ruins in the next. More strange looking black spaceships firing—five ships, now ten ships, now thirty ships, now over a hundred ships. Children screaming.

The laughing sound is almost deafening now.

The planet Earth—seen from high orbit– being consumed by flames. Now another Earth with slightly different looking continents being consumed as well. Now a third Earth being consumed. And a fourth…and a fifth…and a sixth. The flames glow brighter and brighter. It suddenly glows so bright that it hurts the eyes. The glow dissipates slightly to reveal….

Ian the Bartender.

Laughing maniacally.

Flash of light F/X

We are now back in the ‘present’.

We see that the Stone has fallen to one side of DOCTOR WHAT. But he’s not conscious. In fact—he undergoes violent convulsions for a few seconds—then it stops.

We see ANNA PYM shaking her head in confusion. The earthquakes are getting worse and clouds of dust and debris are falling all around her. It’s obvious that the Temple won’t survive very long. She’s looking frantically between the Stone and DOCTOR WHAT. Making her decision, she grabs DOCTOR WHAT and half carries/half drags him down the corridor.

EXT. – COURTYARD- DAY

The wall of energy is almost on top of the Temple. The ground has stopped shaking for the moment. We see MATT practically jumping from foot to foot.

We see ANNA PYM come out of the Temple entrance carrying DOCTOR WHAT. Matt rushes towards to ANNA PYM and helps her carry the semi-conscious DOCTOR WHAT into the very crowded shuttle.

The two shuttles practically leap off the ground and fly off. Behind them, we see the wall of energy sweep over the Temple.

EXT. JUNGLE- DAY

We see the two shuttles flying at maximum speed over the jungle. Below them, we see a panicked herd of T-Rexes running and growling. The wall of energy sweeps over them…

The two shuttles reach the Tunnel exit and do a loop the loop and fly into the tunnel.

EXT. –NORTH POLE TUNNEL- DAY

We see the two shuttles hurtling through the tunnel. Up ahead, we can see daylight.

Behind the shuttles–we see a wall of energy practically shooting up the tunnel after them.

EXT. -EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE – DAY

We see the two shuttles flying at high speed away from the Earth. The strange wall of energy is now sweeping across the surface of the Earth.

EXT. – SHUTTLES SIBYL AND MIMIR – DAY

We see the terrified faces of the Hollow Earth survivors and the ah.commers staring out of various portholes.

INT. – SHUTTLE ‘SIBYL’ – DAY

The shuttle is jam packed with people. DOCTOR WHAT and ANNA PYM are near the back. DOCTOR WHAT is conscious again—but he’s muttering incoherently and shaking his head in confusion.

EXT. – EARTH – DAY

We see the wall of energy completely envelop the Earth. For a few seconds it’s hidden from view. Then it reappears—seemingly unchanged.

The energy wave begins to expand away from the Earth into deep space—and towards the shuttles.

INT. – SHUTTLE ‘SIBYL’ –DAY

MATT
LEO! What the hell just happened to that world?

LEO (ov)
Nothing has happened to the surface of
the planet as near as I can ascertain but….
(trails off)

MATT
But what?! What else has happened?

LEO (ov)
As near as I can ascertain—this Earth now has
a solid core. It is now like every other Earth.
(beat)
The Hollow Earth interior has vanished completely.
(beat)
Uh…would both shuttles please hurry back to the ship
as soon as possible. The…energy wave… is expanding
away from the planet and will be reaching our position
is less than 3 minutes at current speeds. I have no desire
to find out what effects that wave will have on us.

MATT
(screaming into communicator)
You heard him guys! Double time! LEO—
prepare to Shift the moment we’re on board!

LEO
Already have the Shift engines on stand-by.
We’ll be Shifting just a few seconds after
the shuttles are safely aboard.

MATT
ETA 2 minutes.
(shuts off communicator)
(turns around)
Doc! ANNA! What the hell happened here?
What happened to Doc in the temple?
What’s going on here?

DOCTOR WHAT is still just shaking his head and mumbling.

ANNA PYM
(nearly in tears)
Robot thing arrived. Said the world was impossible.
An abomination. Began firing upon it.
Weep–all we’ve ever loved is gone.
(starts crying)

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

We see the two shuttles enter the shuttle bay of the ship. A few seconds later, the AH.COM Shifts away, seconds just before the energy wave sweeps over its location.

LATER

INT. –AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT walking through various corridors. He looks deep in thought, shaking his head every now and then and occasionally mumbling. It’s almost as if he is arguing with himself.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fire…chaos…pain…much pain…treachery.
(beat)
Why? How? Impossible! It can’t be!…
but that would be perfect plan, no?
(shakes head violently)
No! Impossible! Refuse to believe!
(beat)
But so much destruction…so much pain and
anguish…one world destroyed already…
can’t have another…
(beat)
But what if I’m wrong?
(beat)
And if I do nothing and proved right?
(shakes head again)
No! NO! I will not allow it to happen! Must stop it!
(beat)
But how? Must know for sure! Must find a way!
(beat)
(deep in thought)
(nodding head)
Yes—perhaps that might work…

FEMALE VOICE
Doctor What?

DOCTOR WHAT turns to see ANNA PYM.

DOCTOR WHAT
(embarrassed voice)
Ummmm…hello Anna. Your people—are they ok?

ANNA PYM
Yes—physically at any rate. This…Hub?…you are taking us too—
you say that it has connections to many other worlds?

DOCTOR WHAT
Literally millions—you and your people can find
a quiet corner somewhere in some quiet world
somewhere and start over. It’s the best we can do.

ANNA PYM moves closer to DOCTOR WHAT. She rests her hand on his shoulder.

ANNA PYM
I know about the Vision you saw. I had a very
brief one myself when the Stone fell.
(beat)
Your Vision appears to be much more
detailed than mine, though.

DOCTOR WHAT
Maybe because I was in contact
with the Stone longer than you?

ANNA PYM
Perhaps so.
(beat)
I will help you fight whoever did this to my world.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you.
(looks at her bleakly)
I think I have a plan…..

INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY

This particular section of the Ouroboros is dark and badly lit. The tables are old, wooden, and well marked with scratches and stains. Many, if not all, of the people sitting at the tables (those whose faces can be seen) look like the type of people one would be disinclined to turn your back on.

We see MATT and GBW walk in. They look around dubiously.

GBW
Are you sure he told us to meet him here?

MATT
Quite sure.

GBW
(looking warily around)
I’m not entirely sure if some of these people are even human.
(looks at Matt)
Can I have one of your guns for protection?

MATT
(shaking his head)
I’ll advise against using a gun on these guys.

GBW
Why—worried that I don’t know how to use it?

MATT
(looking at the customers around them)
Not that—I think shooting them will just piss them off….

They look around and spot—off in the distance—DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting across the table from a seedy STRANGER who is covered from head to toe in a grungy grey robe and hood. Only his eyes—which appear to be glowing red—can be seen.

MATT and GBW walk towards the duo. As they get close to them, they pick up the last bit of their conversation.

THE STRANGER
…the one to meet. If he can’t help, then nobody else can.

DOCTOR WHAT nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for the info.

THE STRANGER
(nearly growling)
Now—my payment!

DOCTOR WHAT reaches into a large satchel at his feet and pulls out a small black velvet bag and puts it onto the table. We hear an audible ‘clinking’ sound as he does so. THE STRANGER snatches up the bag with clawed hand and hides it in a pocket in his robe.

THE STRANGER
(angrily)
The rest of it!

DOCTOR WHAT nods again and pulls out a large box wrapped in nondescript brown paper and slides it over to THE STRANGER. THE STRANGER looks at the package greedily.

THE STRANGER
(licking lips)
Is it…is it…?…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes— ‘Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather’,
the complete works of ‘Pandora Peaks’ and
‘The Erotic Rituals of the Latex Nun Society’.
(beat)
The director’s cut.

THE STRANGER holds the package to his chest and rushes out past MATT and GBW, who have been quietly watching all this.

DOCTOR WHAT gets up from the table.

DOCTOR WHAT
Gentlemen—we have business to attend to.

DOC walks away towards one of the exits. MATT and GBW stare at each other for a few seconds, shrug their shoulders and follow DOCTOR WHAT.

END ACT I

ACT II

SOMEWHERE IN HUB CITY

EXT- STOREFRONT DOOR – DAY

We see a nondescript wooden door on a small building on an equally small street. Above the door can be seen a small sign on which is written simply ‘MrP’. There is an inscription written in Latin under it- Intra, qui scientiam quaerit. DOCTOR WHAT, MATT and GBW are standing by it. With a slightly confused look on his face, DOCTOR WHAT opens the door and walks in, followed by MATT and GBW.

INT. –LARGE ROOM- DAY

We see a large room. The four walls are completely covered with huge bookcases that stretch all the way to the top of the 20 foot high ceiling. Piles of books are scattered here and there on the floor. Sitting on one pile of books is a man in a 19th century Victorian style suit—complete with a frock coat and a scarf (wrapped loosely around his neck). The man is reading from a large book titled ‘Seven Cryptical Books of Hsan’. This man is MrP.

MRP
Alright! Stop skulking around!

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh—uh—we weren’t skulking. I just didn’t know…

MR.P
Common enough disease not knowing.
Sit down on those piles of books there.
(indicates several large piles about three feet high)

The three ah.commers sit down.

MR.P
Now—what can I do for you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Ummm…I’m not sure if I’m in the right place….

MR.P
Of course you’re in the right place—you want what I got.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—what have you got?

MR. P
Ointments. Salves. Powders. Sovereign remedies.
Nectars. Lotus blossoms. Toxics. Tonics.
Anti-toxins. Deductions. Concoctions.
And potions.
(beat)
All guaranteed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—sorry man—I guess I’ve made a mistake.
I’m not here for any of that stuff—I’m here for
–uh—ah forget about it—it’s nothing…
(gets up to leave)

MR.P
Nothing I don’t supply. Something is my specialty.
Anything is what you can get here.

DOCTOR WHAT looks at MR.P dubiously for a few seconds—then reluctantly sits down.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m looking for….information. I have many questions.

MR.P
Questions are a burden to others.
Answers are prison for oneself.

DOCTOR WHAT
Do you always speak so cryptically?

MR.P
I speak only the truth—from a certain
point of view. You will learn that at some point.

DOCTOR WHAT
When will THAT be?

MR.P
One learns only when the mind wants to and not at set times.

DOCTOR WHAT, GBW and MATT exchange glances. DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes theatrically and turns his attention back at MR.P.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alrighty. I need information.

MR.P
On what topic or item in particular?

DOCTOR WHAT
Remember a little while back with
the Denial of Service unpleasantness here?

MR.P
How can one forget?

DOCTOR WHAT
Rumour has it that you know where
I can get a device that can do that.

MATT and GBW look at each other in shock.

GBW
Uh—Doc—why the heck do you need something like that…?

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
Shut up GBW! I’m talking here!
(turning back to MR.P)
Well?

MR.P just smiles.

MR.P
Now, now—that would be rather dangerous…

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m prepared to pay any price!

MR.P
Indeed. But I’m not prepared
to accept that price just yet.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry tone)
Do you know where I can find one?

MR.P
(defiantly)
Yes.

There is a very long pause.

DOCTOR WHAT
(barely held fury)
Well?

MR.P
Not going to tell you. You really don’t know
what the price is if you do this…

We see DOCTOR WHAT staring at MR.P for a long moment. He suddenly takes a deep breath and turns and walks towards MATT.

DOCTOR WHAT
MATT—a moment of your time…

MATT
(confused look)
Uh…sure…what?…

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly pulls MATT’s pistol from his belt and turns around and thrusts the pistol into MR.P’s face.

DOCTOR WHAT
(screaming)
TELL ME!!

Reaction shot: MATT and GBW in shock at this.

GBW
(terrified voice)
Holy crap! Doc! Calm down! It’s –

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
For the last time dude—
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
(turns back to MR.P)
Tell me!

MR.P is staring at DOCTOR WHAT—almost the same way that a scientist would look at a strange and unusual bug. There is no fear on his face— curiosity, maybe even mild amusement—but no fear at all.

MR.P
Oh do put the gun away, Doctor What—you and
I both know this act you’re putting on isn’t real.
You don’t have it in you to actually shoot someone
in cold blood—especially someone who’s unarmed.
Now do put the gun away before someone really gets hurt.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sticking gun closer to MR.P’s face)
Do I LOOK like I’m bluffing?

MR.P stares at DOCTOR WHAT for a few seconds—and suddenly lets out a gasp of shock.

MR.P
You…you really would, would you?

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling in a very unwholesome manner)
You’re the information broker—you tell me.
(beat)
Now…about that item……

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – DAY

We see a vortex open up and the AH.COM ship appear. It settles into orbit around the planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM –DAY

We see various ah.commers at their stations. DOCTOR WHAT is at his captain’s chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO! Commence scans—look for a large T-shaped
stone fortress. It should be located in the area that
corresponds to the OTL Rocky Mountains near Denver.

LEO
Scanning….scanning….scanning….found it! It’s located
approximately 20 miles from a large crater that corresponds
to the location of OTL Denver.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great! GBW, MATT, WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE—come with me.
(hits comm. button on chair)
G.BONE! You better have those teleporters working THIS time.

G.BONE (o.v.)
They’re working! But there’s some weird scattering field
around that fortress—I can’t beam you guys in directly
but only about 200 yards away or so at best.

DOCTOR WHAT
Best we can. We’ll be down there in a minute.

G.BONE
(o.v.)
Hey Doc—what is all this about anyway?
What’s so important down there?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll explain everything later—just trust me on this okay?
(flicks comm button off)
(addressing crew)
Shall we?

He walks out the control room, followed by WEAPON M, and IRONYUPPIE. GBW glances at MATT, who just gives a helpless shrug and follows. GBW shakes his head and after a moment also follows.

INT. – AH.COM CORRIDOR- DAY

We see the ah.commers walking down the corridor. GBW turns to MATT.

GBW
(sotto voce to MATT)
Dude—what the hell is all this about?

MATT
(sotto voce to GBW)
Don’t know but we’ll find out soon.

GBW
Look—I’m really worried about the DOC—
I never saw him lose it with someone like that before….

MATT
Neither have I. But look—a whole fucking world got zapped
by something that looked like one of those crosstime explosions
we’ve seen. We only managed to save a few dozen people out
of who knows how many millions of people that lived on that
Hollow Earth. I don’t blame the DOC for acting a bit weird—
truth be told, I’m still in shock over what happened myself.

GBW
But DOC pulled a gun on an unarmed guy!

MATT
On a guy who was fucking us around and who had info
on a device that DOC thinks could help us fight whoever
did that. Truth be told, I was tempted myself.
(beat)
Never thought the DOC had that in him to be honest though….
(concerned look crosses MATT’s face)

GBW
Who do you think did this?

MATT
We’ve only seen that kind of shit a few times, remember—
most had either the ASBs or the Fallen involved.

GBW
(shakes head)
This is not good at all. Not good at all.
We are going to get so fucked.
(beat)
And not in a good way.

MATT
Did I ever mention I really hate it
when you use logic and reason?

They walk to the Teleporter Room. ANN PYM is waiting for them there.

DOCTOR WHAT
ANN! What are you doing here?

ANN PYM
I’m coming down with you.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking head)
No! It’s very dangerous! Your people need you—

ANN PYM
My people don’t need me! They’ve found a place and
started a new life. But they need justice more than they
need one more person! I’m going down to the planet and
there’s nothing that you can say or do to convince me otherwise!

ANN pulls out a BFG and storms into the Teleporter room.

DOCTOR WHAT, GBW and MATT exchange glances.

MATT
Lady knows what she wants.

DOCTOR WHAT
Indeed.

GBW
Chicks with guns beats out chicks
with swords, huh Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
We should have more chicks with guns on board.

GBW
We have IRONYUPPIE.

Both DOCTOR WHAT and MATT look at GBW with disdainful looks on their faces.

GBW
(shaking head)
Right. Logic and reason….

They walk into the Teleporter Room.

EXT. –MOUNTAIN FOREST- NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT, WEAPON M, MATT, GBW, IRONYUPPIE and ANN PYM appear in a blaze of light. They fan out and crawl towards a large outcropping of rock. They look cautiously above it.

We see a large fortress built into the side of a hill. We see two guards near a large entrance.

MATT
What is this place?

DOCTOR WHAT
Believe it or not, it’s a monastery. Run by a
group called the Holy Order of the Crimson Shield.

WEAPON M
Monks? You brought us down to
fight a bunch of wussy monks?

IRONYUPPIE
Really annoyed here, Bruno—
I was expecting a challenge….

DOCTOR WHAT
Did I mention that the monks
nuked Denver in this timeline?
Or did you forget that LEO said that
there’s a crater where Denver used to be?

The rest of the ah.commers glance at one another and then look back at the fortress.

MATT
Damn!

GBW
I, for one, am very impressed.

WEAPON M
Wussy monks with nukes! Wow!

IRONYUPPIE
I find that strangely arousing.

DOCTOR WHAT
Move out!

INT. – MONASTERY CORRIDOR – DAY

We see a corridor. There’s a few flickering torches here and there on various walls. The whole place has a definite medieval feel to it. Shadows appear at the far end of the corridor. We suddenly see WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE appear around the corner and head towards us. Following right behind them are DOCTOR WHAT and ANN PYM. Behind them, bringing up the rear, is GBW and MATT.

They rush towards the camera and stop, catching their breath.

GBW
That was close.

IRONYUPPIE
How many of these guys are there?

DOCTOR WHAT
More than ‘many’, less than ‘a lot’.

MATT
Monks! On Mechs! With laser guns!

WEAPON M
You gotta admit—monks in mechs
with laser guns are pretty fucking cool….

DOCTOR WHAT
Come on—this way!

They rush down the corridor.

INT. – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

We see the ah.commers appear in front of two large imposing metal doors.

DOCTOR WHAT
(indicating doors)
MATT—you may…indulge yourself.

IRONYUPPIE
What? In public?

MATT grins and walks towards the doors. He reaches into his shirt and pulls out a brick size beige colored object.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—MATT—isn’t that a bit big for our purposes?

MATT
There are very few problems in this universe that
can’t be solved by the judicious use of explosives.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wasn’t there suppose to be a
‘patience and logic‘ part in that line?

MATT gives DOCTOR WHAT a dirty look.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yeah. Right. Sorry about that….

MATT places the plastic explosives against the doors and sets the fuse.

MATT
Run!

They all rush down the corridor and duck behind various alcoves.

TIGHT ON – Doors.

The doors suddenly explode with a devastating explosion, sending debris and flames and smoke in every direction.

The ah.commers rush into the chamber.

INT. – CHAMBER – DAY

We see a large pentagon shaped stone chamber. On a small raise dais in the center is a three foot high pedestal. On it is a large red object about the size of a person’s head. It looks like a four side pyramid but the eyes get blurry when they look at the object and one sees six or seven or even eight sides to the pyramid, depending on the angle you look at it.

It’s glowing a bright red color.

MATT
Yup—that’s a weird
Artifact of Power™
if I ever saw one!

GBW
You know, I could point out that that thing is breaking about
two or three laws of physics just by the way it’s acting just
sitting there but I’m getting tired of being the logical one here…

IRONYUPPIE
So now what?

DOCTOR WHAT
Simple-
(walks over to the Artifact)
We grab it.
(picks it up)
And we run like hell before
the intruder alarms kick in!

WEAPON M
When will that be?

Alarms suddenly start going off throughout the entire fortress.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right about now would be my guess.

They all rush down the corridor.

INT. –LARGE ROOM –DAY

We see the ah.commers rush into the room from a side corridor, GBW and MATT frantically providing covering fire to their rear. WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE are in front and DOCTOR WHAT and ANN PYM are in the center. DOCTOR WHAT is holding the artifact in one hand and awkwardly holding a BFG in the other.

We suddenly see three large Mechas (about ten feet high or so) appear around the corner of another corridor and advance towards the ah.commers.

LEAD MECHA
(booming voice)
YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE RELIQUARY AND
DEFILED THE MONASTERY WITH YOUR PRESENCE!
YOU MUST BE PURIFIED!

They open fire.

MATT
SCATTER!

GBW
Why the fuck do religious types always
think purifying folk is killing folk?

MATT
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND RUN!

All the ah.commers hit the ground and roll out of the way of the weapon fire, finding a few places of cover. A barrage of bullets hit the wall and ceiling of the area near the ah.commers and within seconds the entire area is obscured by massive clouds of dust and debris.

WEAPON M
Grenade launchers—fire!

IRONYUPPIE, WEAPON M and MATT poke their heads out for a brief instant and open fire on the Mechas with their grenades. The three Mechas explode, sending their riders sprawling to the ground in an unmoving heap.

MATT
Move everyone! We have to get to the
transporter coordinates before more
reinforcements arrive!

They start moving towards the the front doors.

CLOSE-UP- Fallen soldier.

We see one of the soldiers that was in the Mecha lying on the ground in a bloody heap. He twitches his arm and slowly opens his eyes. He hesitantly pulls out a handgun and aims at the ah.commers.

POV-HANDGUN

We see the gun is aimed directly at DOCTOR WHAT’s head.

CLOSE-UP – Finger slowly squeezing on trigger.

ANN PYM
LOOK OUT!
(pushes DOCTOR WHAT out of the way just as the gun fires)

ANN PYM and DOCTOR WHAT fall in a heap on the ground as the other ah.commers open fire on the soldier, killing him instantly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for the help ANN.
(beat)
ANN?

CLOSE-UP—we see that ANN PYM has been shot. She’s clearly dead and beyond help.

DOCTOR WHAT
ANN!!!

We see six more Mechas come charging into the chamber from several side corridors, firing at will. The entire chamber becomes a free for all, with everyone firing in every direction. In all the chaos and confusion, the ah.commers manage to slowly make their way to the doors, dragging a very reluctant DOCTOR WHAT with them.

WEAPON M
(physically carrying DOCTOR WHAT)
COME ON! We have to move!
There’s nothing we can do for her!

The ah.commers rush out of the fortress, followed close behind by several Mechas.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. –AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM –DAY

We see about a dozen or so of the ah.commers either at various stations or standing around. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in the control chair with his head his arms.

GBW
Shift completed—we’re in another timeline.

DOCTOR WHAT
(semi-dazed voice)
Right. Good job.

DOCTOR WHAT takes a deep breath and slowly stands up and walks towards the front of the Control Room. He lets out a deep sigh. He turns around and addresses the group.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok people—it’s time that I fill you in what’s been happening.
I know that I’ve done some…questionable…things lately. But
there’s a good reason for everything. I want to state that I am
glad that most of you were willing to accept my orders without
comment. But now it’s time to fill you in on what’s going on.
(beat)
It took me a while to figure everything out and there’s still
a few details I’m fuzzy on but this is what’s going on.
(takes a deep breath)
When we were on the Hollow Earth,
I touched the Stone. The Stone gave me a—

LEO
ALERT! Wormhole opening up less than 1000 kilometers away!

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking up at LEO’s ‘eye’)
What the hell?! A Shift wormhole?!

LEO
Affirmative! On screen now!

The viewscreen switches on to show a large multicolored worm appearing nearby. Out of the wormhole appears a ship of strange design, but still oddly familiar…

We see that it has a black hull and a symbol of a red sun with a white hand in the center.

It flies out of the Wormhole. Seconds later we see—

The CF.NET ship.

Both ships are blasting furiously away at one another with their lasers. Both ships can be seen to be damaged in several places from weapons fire. They continue firing at each other.

The first ship suddenly changes course.

Straight towards the AH.COM ship!

The CF.NET ship alters course as well—straight towards the AH.COM ship as well.

FLOCCULENCIO
Oh crap!

GBW
Oh—this is SO not good!

MATT
We are so fucked.

DOCTOR WHAT
So fucking fucked.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITSHAR

Category: Series / Tags: Anna Pym, CF.net, Hollow Earth, Hub, mechas

The Hunt For Us Ain’t Over

Psychomeltdown / July 8, 2009 / One comment

TITLECARD-THEHUNT

TEASER

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The camera pans all around the AH.com. It is a majestic sight, cruising against the vastness of space.

We pan out further and see that it is fleeing from a horde of what appear to be steam-powered space battleships, all emblazoned with Imperial German flags.

INT. – AH.COM- CONTROL ROOM

LANDSHARK
Of all the steampunk worlds to visit, you just
HAD to pick the one with a dominant German Empire!

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, so I make ONE mistake!

LANDSHARK
No, ONE mistake is fine. It’s MANY
mistakes that are more worrying.

DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE HOWERY, how’s the Shift Drive?

DAVE HOWERY
She took a beating from their first salvo,
Cap’n! I dinnae think she’ll hold for jump.

DOCTOR WHAT
MAKE it hold!

DAVE HOWERY
I cannae change the laws of Physics, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll have to chance it! Jump on my mark…
10…9…8…

A near-miss shot from the pursuing fleet explodes just to the port of the viewscreen

DOCTOR WHAT
7654321JUMP!!!!

The AH.com ship seems to fold in on itself and winks out of existence in that dimension. The German fleet zooms past and then hovers around, somewhat puzzled.

DOCTOR WHAT
(voiceover)
And for Ian’s sake, DAVE HOWERY, enough with
the James Doohan impressions.
Let the man rest in peace.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE HUNT FOR US AIN’T OVER”

Written By : FLOCCULENCIO

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

We see the AH.com Ship, it’s moving slowly across the screen.

OTHNIEL (Voice Over)
Are we there yet?

Pull back, we see the AH.com ship and in the far distant a blue dot, TTL’s Earth.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Pull in on DOCTOR WHAT looking somewhat bored.

DOCTOR WHAT
A week. We’ve been traveling a week.

LANDSHARK
Hey, You’re the one who did a shoddy job
at shifting out of the last universe.

DOCTOR WHAT
Always blame the guy in charge right?

LANDSHARK
Who else is to blame?

MICHAEL
Blame Thande!

THANDE looks up from where he’s been reading a book, looking slightly confused.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
So no one’s figured out anything to do yet?

VARIOUS CREW MEMBERS
Meh…guh…kill you all…zuh

They’re all too bored to do anything. Suddenly, a half-hearted chime comes from the speakers. LEO starts speaking over the PA.

LEO
I’m receiving a transmission from an
unidentified source, Captain- shall I patch it in?

DOCTOR WHAT
Make it so, LEO

The PA crackles to life and cheery music spills from the speakers.

VOICE
…don’t miss out on our great bargains on everything
from hardware to software to formal wear! The great
Singapore Sale- on all year, every year! We accept
any and all currency…hurry up! Time’s running out-
or is it?! Because our stores NEVER close!!

The CREW collectively sits bolt upright and starts yammering.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, where’s that transmission coming from?

LEO
Singapore, presumably. Duh.
(pauses)
Hang on a second…it’s coming from
somewhere nearer than Earth…
a LOT nearer

The crew sits in amazement as a vast, strangely constructed spacecraft rises towards them.

MICHAEL
Did they tack engines onto
an asteroid or something?

LEO
That’s no asteroid…

As the craft approaches they see that its heart is a city, trees and buildings clearly visible through the protective dome. The entire construction is around thirty miles in length and a quarter that in height.

LEO
Signal coming through Captain.
I’m patching it into the speakers.

VOICE
Unidentified ship- we have you targeted.
Identify yourselves! Are your intentions commercial?

The announcement is repeated in Chinese and Malay.

DOCTOR WHAT
Err…this is the AH.com and, yes,
our intentions are commercial, I guess.

VOICE
Excellent! You’re cleared for landing in Bay 37.
All prices on computer software are thirty percent
off this week. Welcome to the Serene Republic of
Singapore and have a profitable day.

Everyone looks about and shrugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
So, who’s up form some sightseeing?

LANDSHARK
As long as we don’t get
bloody shot at, put in a prison,
or nearly eaten by some pack
of ravenous porcupines.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, I already apologized about those porcupines.
I thought they were cute… Who knew they fed
upon the flesh of the living?

INT. -SPACEPORT-DAY

The AH.com lands in a vast landing bay. Ships of all kinds surround them and the floor is thronged with robots and people of all sorts making their way to what appears to be teleportation devices scattered around the landing bay.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay guys, keep together! We don’t
know much about this TL yet and…

The crew, ignoring him have already scattered in different directions. LEO comes clanking past in his android body.

LEO
Well, Bruno, at least you tried. Now what say we-

ADVERTISEMENTBOT
Greetings, mechanical sir! Please accept this
voucher for 10% off on all services at
Madam Wong’s Pleasurebot Parlour..

LEO
Does a Pleasurebot Parlour mean
what I think it means?

ADVERTISEMENTBOT
Why yes, sir, heheheh

DOCTOR WHAT
Hang on a minute, LEO, you can’t just-

LEO
Seeya later, Bruno

He clanks off towards a teleporter

DOCTOR WHAT looks around, somewhat dejected. Suddenly he whips around to catch a random street urchin, LUAKEL, by the scruff of his neck.

DOCTOR WHAT
My crew deserts me for baubles and geegaws,
my ships computer has gone to get his pipes
cleaned and I’m alone in a city I know nothing about.

LUAKEL
I am confused.

DOCTOR WHAT
Join the club, kid.

LUAKEL
You wanna buy some gum, mister?
I got an approval from the Ministry
of Gum Selling, So there’s no radioactive or
poisonous particles in my gun.
(holds out a pack of hum)

DOCTOR WHAT
Errrr….
(looks about)
Tell me where I can find
some porn and there’ll be a tip in it for you.

LUAKEL
Shh…not so loud- you’ll have the cops down
on us if you keep bellowing out the P-word!

DOCTOR WHAT
Great…just my luck.

LUAKEL looks shiftily from side to side

LUAKEL
But I can find you some if you want.
Of course it’ll cost you extra.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now that’s more like it!

He follows LUAKEL off through the crowd. Unseen by them, a shadowy figure follows.

FADE OUT to black.

EXT. -SHOPPING MALL – DAY

KIT, THANDE and DAVE HOWERY are wandering around, relaxed and happy. They have each made some purchased and have stopped to rest. Chinese pop music is playing over the mall’s audio system. As the song fades out, it is replaced by stirring martial music.

VOICE
(On the audio system)
Good day to you citizens and foreign friends!
Remember, every dollar you spend helps the
economy! And the thriving power of capitalism
keeps the shipyards and arms factories pumping
out weaponry to defend us all! Keep spending,
citizens, and have a prosperous day!

KIT
There’s something strange about this TL
but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

INT. -A SEEDY BAR – DAY

WEAPONM, MICHAEL and MATT are drinking.

MICHAEL is approached by a very attractive young lady.

LADY
(In a deep and husky voice)
Hey baby- me love you long time, ten dolla.

MICHAEL
Aaah! Ladyboy!
(He pauses meditatively)
Pre-op or post-op?

LADYBOY
Pre-op

MICHAEL
Aaah! Ladyboy!

LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE walk in through the door. LANDSHARK is barely visible under the pile of shopping bags he’s carrying.

LANDSHARK
- then we can hit that quant little store I
saw coming here, they had lovely shoes…

IRONYUPPIE
(eyeing bar)
I need a drink.

LANDSHARK
Well, hurry up. I don’t know how much time
we have before Doc realizes we stole his
Mistress Olga money. I want to at least hit
three more shops before we head back to the ship.

IRONYUPPIE
(sighing)
A strong drink.

MATT sees them and waves them over.

LANDSHARK
Mind giving a shipmate a hand MATT?

MATT
Screw that, Sharky. You’ve got a nice
strapping Amazonian Valkyrie at your side,
have her do the honors.

IRONYUPPIE
Easy there, jarhead.
Or you’ll find out why Sharky
walks funny every Thursday morning.

MATT
(grinning)
Is that a promise?

He turns back to the group of ORIENTAL BEAUTIES to whom he has been narrating his exploits.

MATT
Sorry about that girls…now as I was saying,
he thought I was unarmed but this armour
I’m wearing has a handy compartment
so I whipped out my rifle like this!

A compartment on the back of his powered armour opens and he expertly whips out a rifle. The bar goes silent for a second as all eyes turn to the AH.commers. Then the patrons stampede for the exit.

MATT
Was it something I said?

The AH.commers are left alone in the middle of the bar. Outside, sirens approach and the sounds of people running to and fro are heard. A VOICE begins addressing them through a loudspeaker.

VOICE
Foreign criminals! You are in violations of
the Arms Restriction Act of 1997. Come out
of there with your hands up or we will be
forced to use umm… force I guess.

IRONYUPPIE
I suppose we’d better go see what they want.

The AH.commers, weapons at the ready, stroll out of the bar. Numerous police cars are waiting with their occupants taking cover behind them.

MICHAEL
Hah…we’re more than a match
for some pissant police force!

With a roar of jump jets, three mecha touch down behind the police line.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

EXT. -AN ALLEYWAY-DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
So porn is illegal you say?

LUAKEL
Yep- it’s the one vice that the
Chamber of Commerce doesn’t approve of.

DOCTOR WHAT
So how does a kid like you
know where to find porn?

LUAKEL
(rolls eyes)
Dude- I’m fourteen!
Porn is what I live and breath for.
That and mint flavored chicklets.
Want to buy some gum?

DOCTOR WHAT
Just take me to the porn.

LUAKEL leads DOCTOR WHAT to a battered door and knocks thrice. A robotic sensor pops out of the wall and scans them. The door hisses open and the duo enter.

LUAKEL
Told you I’d find you some…uh-oh-

Two cops are covering them with their sidearms while more block off the exit to the alleyway.

SERGEANT
You’d better come with us.

LUAKEL
Help! I’m confused! This nasty man
threatened to kill me if I didn’t find him porn!

SERGEANT
(to LUAKEL)
You hear that?

LUAKEL
No.

SERGEANT
That’s the sound of me not caring.
(to his men)
Bring the kid too!

FADE TO BLACK

INT. – MADAM WONG’S PLEASUREBOT PARLOUR- DAY

We see a black screen and hear only LEO’S voice

LEO
Oh! Yes! Yes! Ah!

We FADE IN to see LEO stepping away from a MECHANICBOT.

He rotates his shoulder joint.

LEO
Damn that feels better! Bloody joint’s
been out of alignment for weeks.

MECHANICBOT
I am glad that you feel better, mechanical sir.
Humans can be so neglectful and we at
Madam Wong’s seek to remedy all such complaints.

LEO
Excellent, good job…

MECHANICBOT
Bob, sir

LEO
Good job Bob- on your way out tell them
that I’m ready for the WHOREBOTS now.

MECHANICBOT
Will do, sir

INT- A PRISON CELL- DAY

A bunch of AH.commers are sitting around in varying states of dejection and irritability. They have all managed to get in trouble with the law somehow. The cell door opens and DOCTOR WHAT and LUAKEL are shoved in.

DOCTOR WHAT
I told you we should have stayed together

MATT
Y’know that would just mean that all of us would
have gotten arrested instead of just half of us.

WEAPON M
Who’s the kid?

DOCTOR WHAT
He’s Confused, I think.

LUAKEL
My name’s Luakel and thanks to
you I’m going to be executed!

DOCTOR WHAT
Executed?! For trying to buy porn?
Haven’t these people ever heard of jail time?

LUAKEL
(puzzled)
Jail…time…? That’s only in use in the liberal
countries- the Chamber of Commerce found
that the death penalty was much more efficient.

The cell door hisses open and a shadowy figure enters.

MICHAEL
Hey, I know this guy.

The man walks out of the shadows and we see that it’s FLOCCULENCIO.

FLOCCULENCIO
You should. I and my mecha-corvette helped
save your sorry asses in the Japanese-dominant TL.

IRONYUPPIE
I knew those mecha looked familiar…

DOCTOR WHAT
So how did you end up here?

FLOCCULENCIO
This is my home TL- I got caught in a
dimensional anomaly during a battle and
got tossed into a different TL. When I
took passage on your ship I was trying
to find my way back home.

MATT
What sort of battle? This whole place is
too damn peaceful. All this noise about
an eentsy PULVERISER-26 plasma rifle.

LUAKEL
We called them the Others. Six years ago they
arose from the multiverse in great ships with
terrible weapons. Travellers from other TLs had
told us of them but we never really believed them…

The crew look at each other forebodingly except for MATT

MATT
(to LUAKEL)
Who died and made you the Narrator?

DOCTOR WHAT
The…the Invaders…you beat them?

FLOCCULENCIO
We’re not sure. We don’t think so. We had our
small victories- we held the line twice at Mars,
we raided their supply depots on Titan. But after
three years of total war the tide was turning against
us. A fleet destroyed the Saturn colonies. Another
fleet wiped out our bases on Venus. Then, at the
Third Battle of Mars when they were on the verge
of crushing our last fleet, they just left. Shifted out of
this universe. That’s how I got lost in the multiverse,
my mecha got caught up in one of their vortexes. But
after that…things changed here. When I left, the
Serene Republic was mildly authoritarian- when I got
back the war was over but the possibility of the Others
returning had given the Chamber of Commerce the
chance to turn my nation into a full blown police state.
I want out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get us out of here and you can come with us.

FLOCCULENCIO
I’ve bribed the guards- I can’t get you out now but
rest assured, I’ll get you back to your ship somehow.

IRONYUPPIE
If you get us our weapons we can fight our way out.

FLOCCULENCIO
I doubt it. My people have been spending the past
six years developing weapons to defeat the Others
should they ever return- I’m quite sure our forces
will have no problem with you lot. Our capabilities
are far beyond yours. Just trust me and don’t make trouble.

He leaves, closing the door behind him.

MICHAEL
(imitating FLOCCULENCIOin a sneery voice)
“Our capabilities are far beyond yours”…
“saved your sorry asses”. Wanker.
We’ve got weapons and systems on our ship
that are far superior than what they have on
this puny rock. Remember Ian gave us a lot of
free stuff and Dave upgraded all our systems?

DOCTOR WHAT
(to Weapon M)
Is it true?

WEAPON M
I dunno.

DOCTOR WHAT
So how did you end up here, kid?

LUAKEL
I’m from Cowpat, Nebraska in another TL…
I wanted to see the world so I stowed away on
an interdimensional freighter. They found me
when they were loading cargo here and
kicked me out.

WEAPON M
What is this place anyway? Why is an island hooked
up to engines and flying around in space?

MATT
Don’t encourage narrator-boy.

LUAKEL
About fifty years ago…

MATT
Now, look what you’ve done.

LUAKEL
…the Chamber of Commerce decided that in
order to make a profit on the trade routes to the
Outer System they needed a presence in space.
So they basically converted their entire island
into a spaceship. When the Others came, the
Serene Republic served as a command centre
and main base for the united fleets of Terra. They
pretty much wiped out the Outer Colonies but
when they were closing on Earth our forces
turned them back here.
That was a few weeks before they left.

DOCTOR WHAT
And they’ve been developing weapons to
counter the Invaders ever since…if only we
could get hold of some of their technology…

MICHAEL
Yeah. Too bad it’s all
run by a pack of bastards.
(to Luakel)
So what’s your home TL like anyway.

LUAKEL
Kinda boring. Dad always used to say it was
a lot more exciting back before we finally
conquered the Canadians and
razed Toronto to the ground…

INT. – A SHOPPING MALL- DAY

THANDE
Shouldn’t you go find a replacement
part for the Shift Drive, DAVE?
DAVE?

DAVE HOWERY
(dreamily)
Huh…what?

KIT
Tee-hee-hee! Is that an electric razor in your
pocket or are you just glad to see me?

DAVE HOWERY flees in embarrassment.

INT. – OPIUM DEN- DAY

HENDRYK is reclining on a divan, dreamily chasing the dragon. He chats casually to two beautiful Chinese attendants.

His eyes glint in anticipation as one of the attendants rises.

They begin singing. It is a truly dreadful sight. Behind them, the door opens and FLOCCULENCIO enters.

FLOCCULENCIO
(to the attendants)
Out.

HENDRYK
Hey, I recognize you. What the hell
do you think you’re doing.

FLOCCULENCIO
Your friends are in trouble. I’ll
need your help to save them.

HENDRYK
Oh. Those guys.
(he pauses)
Y’know what? I rather like it here.

FLOCCULENCIO
Or I could do my duty as an upright Citizen
and turn you in for drug abuse.

HENDRYK
Just let me pay my bill and
I’ll be right with you.

INT. – CHAMBER OF COMMERCE- HALL OF JUSTICE- EVENING

The crew are hustled into an imposing courtroom and wait while the charges are read out. The JUDGE does not even bother to look up.

JUDGE
Have them executed. Next case!

The crew is restive but DOCTOR WHAT silences them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just trust FLOCCULENCIO

They are hustled down long corridors and tossed into an empty room.
Gas begins to hiss out of vents in the ceiling. Crewmembers start to slump to the ground.

DOCTOR WHAT
Note to self. Be less trusting in my next life.

He collapses.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT I

ACT II

INT- AH.COM SHIP INFIRMARY- DAY

We fade into a blurred shot of the ceiling from DOCTOR WHAT’s POV. Voices are heard in the background.

TORQUMADA
You said they’d come around by now.
If you’ve lied to us I’ll…

STRAHA
Let’s just kill him! Or enslave him!
That’d be so cool!
(giggles

FLOCCULENCIO
(sipping an appletini)
Substituting nerve gas chemicals
isn’t an exact science.

THANDE
Actually, it is. It’s called Chemistry.

FLOCCULENCIO
Look- do you know how hard it was for me to
make that swap? And find the chemical that’d
make them appear dead? If HENDRYK hadn’t
managed to distract the guards I’d never have pulled it off.

THANDE
How did he distract the guards.

FLOCCULENCIO
Mime.

A shudder runs through the conscious crewmembers.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well…it may have been an affront
to humanity but it worked.

The few unarrested crewmembers cluster around him. The other arrested AH.commers, as well as LUAKEL, are in the other infirmary beds. Most of them are coming around.

FLOCCULENCIO
Glad to see you’re alive, Captain. I’ve had
your crews confiscated effects liberated from
the Police evidence lockers and
moved into your cargo hold.

TORQUMADA
This’ll perk you up, Captain.

He injects a syringe of glowing green stuff into WHAT’s arm and proceeds to do the same for each of the recovering crewmembers. The medicated crewmembers rise from their beds, though somewhat shakily.

MICHAEL
Damn…what’s in that shot?

TORQUMADA
Some sort of Singaporean wonder
drug FLOCCULENCIOtells me…

FLOCCULENCIO
Appletini.

They stare at him in shock.

FLOCCULENCIO
Oh, like you guys follow medical protocols
anyway. It worked didn’t it?

LEO strolls in through the door.

LEO
(Singing under his breath)
Daisy, Daisy- give me your answer do…
Hello there Captain- glad to see you’re up!

DOCTOR WHAT

LEO, power up the Shift Drives
and get us out of this TL!

LEO
I’m afraid I can’t do that Bruno. As you may recall,
our Shift Drive shorted out- DAVE HOWERY went
to look for a replacement and he isn’t back yet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where the hell is he?

LEO
I’m afraid I don’t…

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, LEO, I get the picture.

FLOCCULENCIO
I’ll try and find him but I’ll need some help, Captain.
If we do not leave soon the Chamber of Commerce
will surely figure out my ruse. And then we’re all in for a gassing.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Snappishly)
Yes, thank you, I think we’re
all able to figure that out.

FLOCCULENCIO
Jeez, I thought you Canadians were supposed to be polite.
You’ll have to send some of your people out to find him-
preferably those who haven’t already been processed
by the Republic’s legal system.

DOCTOR WHAT
Any volunteers?

Everyone develops an interest in the décor of the infirmary.

DOCTOR WHAT
Goddamit…HENDRYK- go with FLOCCULENCIO.
And…hmm…LEO and KIT.

INT. – MADAM WONG’S PLEASUREBOT PARLOUR- DAY

DAVE HOWERY
Ooh! Ah! Yessss!

He has just finished having his beard shampooed by a BARBERBOT

DAVE HOWERY
Aah…that feels great. Now-
send in the WHOREBOTS!

INT. – MADAM WONG’S PLEASUREBOT PARLOUR- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is sitting back on a chaise-longue smoking a cigar. Suddenly, the wall blows in. LEO CASEIUS tramps through the debris.

LEO
Come with me if you want to live.

DAVE HOWERY
What?

LEO
(impatient)
Look, do you have the parts
to fix the Shift Drive?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, sure, it’s just that I got this voucher…

LEO
Just follow me.
Perv.

INT- AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

HENDRYK
DAVE is on board- he says he can get t
he Shift Drive fixed in five minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Has LEO uploaded himself to the main systems yet.

LEO
(Over the intercom)
Yes Captain. I regret to inform you
that we may have trouble

An image flashes up on the main viewscreen. Five mecha, emblazoned in Republic Police colours are approaching the AH.com.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fuck…can we charge our weapons?

DAVE HOWERY
(intercom)
Sorry Captain- power systems are down
until I can replace this part in the drive.

FLOCCULENCIO
(over intercom)
Don’t bother. You can’t stop them anyway.

DOCTOR WHAT
So you just want us to sit here and die?

FLOCCULENCIO
(over intercom)
You can’t stop them. I can.

MICHAEL
Okay, this guy’s got a
technological superiority complex.

A mech strides out of the loading bay of the AH.com ship. The approaching mecha pause for a moment before opening fire on FLOCCULENCIO. Their plasma blasts splash harmlessly on his mech’s armour. He responds with missiles, blasting one of them into slag.

FLOCCULENCIO
These are police models. Mine is military,
outfitted to fight the Others.

Five more mecha teleport into the landing bay and open fire on FLOCCULENCIO.

FLOCCULENCIO
(meditatively)
Of course fixing the Shift Drive would help a lot.
They’ll send in military models in a bit.

FLOCCULENCIO’s mecha leaps into combat exchanging fire with the police mecha. From the relative shelter of the AH.com’s loading bay, crew members fire on the enemy troops attempting to storm the ship.

INT- AH.COM- SHIP’S LOADING BAY- DAY

MATT and WEAPONM are firing through the loading bay door at enemy troops. A projectile bounces off MATT’s armour. We can hear a shrill ululating sound rising steadily in the background.

MATT
Tranquilizer darts. They’re
trying to take us alive.

WEAPON M
What? So they can kill us later?
(pauses)
What’s that sound, anway?

LUAKEL comes hurtling down the corridor towards the enemy, an axe in his hand, screaming unintelligible battle cries. He is peppered by tranquilizer darts and collapses in a heap without reaching the doorway.

WEAPON M
What the hell was that supposed to do?

MATT shrugs, they continue firing upon the boarding troops.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
(shouting into intercom)
Get that drive fixed DAVE HOWERY!

DAVE HOWERY
(over intercom)
Aaaaah! My beard’s caught in the gears!

A pause. DOCTOR WHAT is visibly simmering.

DAVE HOWERY
My little joke. We’re clear- engines are online.

FLOCCULENCIO walks into the bridge, sipping an appletini.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hadn’t we better get the hell out then?

DOCTOR WHAT does a double take. Behind him, on the viewscreen, FLOCCULENCIO’s mecha corvette comes under sustained fire from a military mech which has just teleported in.

FLOCCULENCIO
Remote control

He holds up a little remote control device.

FLOCCULENCIO
Pity about the mech. It won’t last long
if we don’t get away soon.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get the hell out of here

The AH.COM rises into the air as FLOCCULENCIO’s remote controlled mech, heavily damaged makes a desperate jump and catches on to its side. Picking up speed, the ship roars out of the spaceport.

DOCTOR WHAT
Jump, for Ian’s sake, Jump!

DAVE HOWERY
(over intercom)
We can’t- something’s inhibiting the Shift Drive.

FLOCCULENCIO
Ah…I had forgotten about the Jump Inhibitors.

DAVE HOWERY
Jump Inhibitors? How the hell do those work?

FLOCCULENCIO
This ain’t friggin’ Star Trek-
I’ve been technobabble free since ’93.

DOCTOR WHAT
Anything else you forgot to tell us?

FLOCCULENCIO
Dunno. Your best bet is to head for the Asteroid Belt-
the Jump Inhibitors only cover a certain range from
the City itself. If you get far enough away you’ll be
able to jump with no problem.

DOCTOR WHAT
Make it so.

FLOCCULENCIO
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
Make it so.

FLOCCULENCIO
Sorry, Picard, I just got here- I don’t know
how to fly this thing. Besides, I’m drunk.

DOCTOR WHAT
On this ship, that’s not necessarily a disadvantage.
You know the way there and the joystick’s right in front of you.

KIT
(whispering in Doctor What’s ear)
Joystick’s right behind you too.

FLOCCULENCIO
(Prodding the control panel nervously)
Where’s your regular pilot anyway?

DOCTOR WHAT
I have no idea. You can’t get good help these days…

He steps up to the controls and the AH.com lumbers away from the city-ship which is belatedly launching interceptors.

FADE TO BLACK

INT- AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR

MATT, LUAKEL and THANDE are walking slowly down the corridor. Behind them, DIAMOND is tiptoeing exaggeratedly.

DIAMOND
(in an Elmer Fudd stage whisper)
Be vewy, vewy quiet!

LUAKEL
Why?

MATT makes as if to throttle him but is restrained by DIAMOND.

MATT
But he keeps asking questions!

DIAMOND
(whispering)
There’ll be time to kill him later. We
need to make as little noise as possible.

THANDE
(irritated)
WHY do we have to be quiet?

MATT
(mumbling)
Don’t you start…goddamned Limey…
kill you all…Stars and Stripes Forever…

DIAMOND
Duh…haven’t you watched the Hunt for Red October?
I served on a sub, I know all about silence drills.

LUAKEL
This is a spaceship not a submarine- and
sound doesn’t travel through a vacuum.

Pause

MATT
I hate to admit it but he’s got you there, Jim.

A vein begins to throb in DIAMOND’s forehead. He turns and advances on LUAKEL, his fists slowly clenching and unclenching.

LUAKEL
(nervously)
Eh… what’s up Doc?

Fade to Black

INT. -AH.COM- CONTROL ROOM DAY

IRONYUPPIE is standing at the viewscreen through which we can see asteroids spinning majestically past the ship. LANDSHARK is at the controls. A few other crewmembers are in the background, clustered around DOCTOR WHAT who is taking into the intercom.

DOCTOR WHAT
…so you think you can fix the mech up?

DAVE HOWERY
(over intercom)
Well it won’t work as well as before but I think
I can jury-rig something. Should be able to get
it up and running in about a week.

The muffled thud of an explosion shudders through the AH.com

FLOCCULENCIO
(grabbing the intercom from DOCTOR WHAT)
Sweet Zombie Jesus, you imbecile!
What have you done to my mech?!

DAVE HOWERY
(somewhat dazed)
Better make that two weeks.

MICHAEL
(laughing derisively)
I say we just put this poncy Singaporean wanker
to cleaning the latrines. Without that mech he’s useless.

FLOCCULENCIO
I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.

Overcome by an instinctive Aussie response, MICHAEL turns pale and sprints out of the room. He re-enters a few seconds later, looking somewhat sheepish.

FLOCCULENCIO
Gets the Aussies every time.

IRONYUPPIE
Take a left. No, your other left. Now mind that asteroid.
You came a bit too close to the last one.

LANDSHARK’s knuckles are turning white as he clutches the controls.

LANDSHARK
(through gritted teeth)
Yes…dear…

IRONYUPPIE
(pushing LANDSHARK aside)
I’ll do it. Go play with your corsets or something.

LEO
(over intercom)
Attention all personnel- I have detected two
Singaporean interceptors approaching us.
I’m patching their transmissions through.

INTERCEPTOR 1
Greetings former consumers- I’m Flight Lieutenant Tan
of the RSS Keynes and I’ll be your executioner today.
If you will, please fill out this customer service form
I’m uploading to your system and…

DOCTOR WHAT
You want us to fill out a customer service
form before you try to kill us?

INTERCEPTOR 1
Well…yeah. We get bonuses for
good customer service so-

INTERCEPTOR 2
Hold on there you slimy son of a bitch.
I saw it first- I’ll be damned if you’re
stealing my commission again.

INTERCEPTOR 1
That’s it bitch, you’re going down.

The 2 Interceptors peel off from the pursuit and start dogfighting.

LANDSHARK
What the hell just happened?

DOCTOR WHAT
No idea. YUPPIE…take us deeper into the asteroid belt.

EXT- SPACE- DAY

The AH.COM moves majestically forward deeper into the belt. An asteroid scrapes along its side with a teeth-gritting screech.

INT- AH.COM- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LUAKEL peeks around the door of the bridge.

LUAKEL
Women drivers…

IRONYUPPIE
Why you little…

LUAKEL
Meep meep!

As she takes her hands off the controls and sprints after the rapidly retreating LUAKEL, the AH.com cruises towards a massive asteroid. At the last moment, it veers away from the mass of rock and iron.

LEO (to himself)

Human drivers…so fallible…
so…imperfect.
Someday…

He sets the AH.com back on a relatively safe course but reconsiders as more interceptors begin to appear within his sensor range.

INT. – AH.COM- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO…why are we accelerating?

Another asteroid misses the bridge by mere metres.

LANDSHARK

Oh goody. We’re all going to die. Can
someone help me tighten this corset?

LEO
First Law: An artificial intelligence may not
injure a human being or, through inaction,
allow a human being to come to harm.
Second Law: An artificial intelligence must
obey orders given it by human beings except
where such order would conflict with the First Law.
Third Law: Fuck that.
Hang on to your butts gentlemen.

The AH.COM tears through the depths of the asteroid field, Interceptors in hot pursuit. LEO displays a dazzling set of piloting skills, weaving through the field on a course so complex that only a machine could plot it. Behind the AH.COM we see a number of explosions as less skilled and less lucky Interceptor pilots smash into the asteroids.

INT. -AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDORS

Various crew members are rushing to man the gun turrets, blazing away at the remaining Interceptors. There are still far too many of them for comfort.

INT. – AH.COM- CONTROL ROOM

LEO
I’m patching through a transmission
from the enemy, Bruno.

SQUADRON LEADER
You are on the way to destruction.

DOCTOR WHAT
What you say?!

DAVE HOWERY
(over the intercom)
Sensors indicate that we’re out of the Inhibitor’s
range, Cap’n. I’m spinning up the Shift Engines.

INT. – LEAD INTERCEPTOR- COCKPIT

SQUADRON LEADER
(transmitting to the AH.COM)
You have no chance to survive, make your time!

As he says this a vortex opens before the AH.com and the ship plunges in, the cortex disappearing immediately afterward.

SQUADRON 2 I/C
Well…you and your little speech screwed that one up.
“Launch the missiles” I said… but oh no, you had to
hail them first to gloat. Fucking drama queen.

The Interceptor Squadron turns tail and heads back out of the asteroid field, it’s two senior officers still in their heated argument.

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM- CREW LOUNGE- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
(to FLOCCULENCIO)
So your people have spent the past
six years training to beat the Invaders?

FLOCCULENCIO
(sipping on an appletini)
We lost millions of men before we were granted
a reprieve- we’re willing to expend as much capital
as it takes to make sure we’re prepared if they ever
return. Unfortunately I don’t know anything about
the technical side of stuff. I got drafted to fight the war,
same as everyone else. And I don’t know how
long it’ll take to fix my mech.

DAVE HOWERY
(over intercom)
Three weeks! Four, tops!

DOCTOR WHAT
Well- welcome to the crew anyway.
You too LUAKEL.

LUAKEL
I’m confused

MATT, mellowed by alcohol, cuffs him gently.

DOCTOR WHAT
We all are kid.
You’ll get used to it.

LANDSHARK
Hey, at least we didn’t try and get
eaten by ravenous porcupines…

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s that…

LUAKEL
Look what I found wandering the corridor!

LUAKEL holds up a porcupine, wearing heavy gloves and laughing as the porcupine gnaws at the gloves.

LANDSHARK
(terrified)
Holy crap!
Kill it!

LUAKEL
(confused)
But I didn’t do anything wrong…

Weapons begin cocking.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

Category: Series / Tags: mechas, Singapore

Give Me A Tall Ship

Psychomeltdown / July 5, 2009 / 4 comments

TITLECARD-TALLSHIP

TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- RESTROOM- DAY

The scene opens with a panning shot of the AH.COM restroom, with typical stalls and urinals. The pan ends on the door, which swings open. MICHAEL and WEAPON M stand there in black suits and sunglasses, carrying pistols and walkie-talkies. They look around warily.

MICHAEL
Clear!

WEAPON M
Clear!

DOCTOR WHAT, looking peeved, enters.

MICHAEL
(into walkie-talkie)
DOCTOR WHAT is in the restroom,
repeat, DOCTOR WHAT is in the restroom.

WEAPON M
(voice heard from walkie-talkie)
For that last time, I don’t care! Stop bothering me!

DOCTOR WHAT
Guys, when I told you last week to increase
security due to all the time’s we’ve been boarded,
but this isn’t what I had in mind.

WEAPON M
Have to be alert, boss.
Enemies could be anywhere.

DOCTOR WHAT grumbles and walks over to a stall.

WEAPON M
Wait!

WEAPON M and MICHAEL run over to the stall, throw the door open and look all over inside it, guns pointing everywhere.

MICHAEL
Clear!

WEAPON M
Clear!

DOCTOR WHAT
Get the hell out of my way!

DOCTOR WHAT walks in and slams the door shut. MICHAEL and WEAPON M stand on alert. Suddenly, a loud Star Trek ‘Red Alert’ type alarm sounds through the ship.

MICHAEL
What’s that?! Are we under attack?

DOCTOR WHAT
(off camera, from behind stall door)
That’s just the signal on the microwave telling
Thande his frozen waffles are done. Relax.

Moments later, a loud ‘Ouuuga Ouuuga’ alarm sounds through the ship.

WEAPON M
Is that the ‘we’re under attack’ signal?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, that’s just YUPPIE’s alarm clock.

A soft and pleasant 4-note signal of harp music sounds through the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, that’s the
‘we’re under attack’ signal!

WEAPON M and MICHAEL look at each other in confusion.

WEAPON M
Uh, Doc, you might want to swap
around some of those signals.

DOCTOR WHAT
We need to get to the bridge!

WEAPON M and MICHAEL run out of the room, pistols drawn.

DOCTOR WHAT
Guys?! It’s times like this that
you’re supposed to be guarding me!

DOCTOR WHAT hobbles out of the stall, pants still down around his ankles as he shuffles out of the scene.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“GIVE ME A TALL SHIP”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

EXT- SPACE – DAY

The scene opens on a view high in orbit over Earth. The CF.NET ship enters the scene; it seems to be running. The camera switches to a view behind it. The AH.COM is seen, with four other large spacecraft around it. They have the flags of the USA, UK, Russia, and China on them, and are obviously advanced and well armed.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Most of the crew is at their stations. DOCTOR WHAT is in his chair, watching the enemy ship on the view screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
At last! We have them cold! They shouldn’t
have picked on a timeline with advanced
spacecraft. We finally have enough firepower
to finish them once and for all.

GBW
They’re opening up a Vortex.
Looks like they’re going to run.

LANDSHARK
Wait. A second vortex is opening!
Two at once!

DOCTOR WHAT
They can do that? Why, though?
They can only use one.

EXT – SPACE – DAY

The CF.NET is seen maneuvering towards one Vortex, while the second opens nearby. A small jet of flame is seen at the side of the ship. Something small and round moves away towards the second Vortex.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

GREY WOLF
They launched something towards the
second Vortex. Let me scan it….
Damn! It’s an A.S.S.H.A.T!

GBW
We can only go after
one of them… which one?

DOCTOR WHAT looks hesitant for a moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
Chase the A.S.S.H.A.T. We can’t let it
destroy some unsuspecting world.
(pounds fist on armrest)
Damn it! We had them!

EXT. – SPACE

The CF.NET moves into the first vortex and vanishes. The AH.COM flies smoothly into the second one, which closes seconds later.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The space over a different Earth is seen. The vortex opens and the A.S.S.H.A.T. is seen emerging. The camera follows it as it moves towards Earth, becoming smaller and smaller until it vanishes. The camera swings back to the vortex. The AH.COM emerges and the vortex closes.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo, can you find the A.S.S.H.A.T.
or is the background electronic noise interfering?

LEO CAESIUS
Actually, there is no
background noise here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why? Is this world
dead or something?

LEO CAESIUS
No. It has a technology level equivalent to
our timeline’s 17th century. There is no sign
of regression or nuclear war; it appears that
this world advanced that far and no further.

MATT
400 years of stagnation? That’s weird.

LEO CAESIUS
The A.S.S.H.A.T. has landed
in the Caribbean, on the island
of St. Thomas, near the town of Redhook.

DOCTOR WHAT
It hit land? That’s a stroke of luck. Recovering it
should be easy. But we need to do it quickly. The
locals probably won’t be able to open it or set it off,
but we can’t take any chances. Okay, a pre-industrial
world. Well, we’ll have to appear as locals. If we
go down in our full technological glory, we’ll screw
up their religion and culture to no end.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around the at the rest of the crew.

DIAMOND
Never stopped us before.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s what we’re good at.

DIAMOND
That and nearly getting killed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, the away team. We’ll take Torq
since medicine here is primitive. Thande,
to shut down the A.S.S.H.A.T. WEAPON M
and MICHAEL for security-

WEAPON M
Sweet. I can shoot up some locals.

MATT
Aw, why can’t I go???

DOCTOR WHAT (CONT.)
HENDRYK and STRAHA, just because they don’t
get off the ship often enough and they’re getting pasty
and flabby. All of you get clothing and gear appropriate
for this setting. And weapons… damn, flintlocks.
Anyone know anything about flintlocks
and muzzleloaders?

Nineteen fingers point at DAVE HOWERY and nineteen voices say, “He does”.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh great… just him? Well, Dave,
it’s your lucky day. You’re going too.

DAVE HOWERY
No.

DOCTOR WHAT
What do you mean, no?! You’re always
whining you don’t get off the ship,
now you’re saying no?!

DAVE HOWERY
Sure. You never let me go anywhere fun.
I didn’t get to go to the Earth where all
women had three boobs…

DIAMOND
Yeah, they were fun, but
you only have two hands, so….

DAVE HOWERY
And you didn’t let me go to the
world where threesomes were
the normal sexual partnering…

GBW
Ooh! I remember that one! We had to
shoot WEAPON M with a tranquilizer gun
and drag him away.

DAVE HOWERY
And you didn’t let me go to that
world full of supermodel clones…

MATT
But, Dave, they were eating people!
None of us got laid!
( chokes back a sob)

DAVE HOWERY
So, now, you finally want me to go…
down to a world with people who
don’t shower or have dentists-

STRAHA
(snickering)
Then you’ll fit in.

DAVE HOWERY (CONT.)
(glaring at Straha)
- or refrigerators, and they think
leeches are a fine way to cure you.
No thanks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, do you think this is a democracy?
I’m the captain, damn it! You’re going!

DAVE HOWERY looks rebellious.

DOCTOR WHAT
Besides, if you go, you’ll get to play
with flintlocks and drink rum.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh all right, I’ll go.
But you owe me one.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whatever. See if you can make up
some flintlock replicas and gear.
Everybody prep and be ready
to go in 12 hours.

MATT
But I wanna go too…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT

The away team, except for DAVE HOWERY, is gathered here. They are wearing outrageous period clothing: very tight leggings, high black boots, white shirts with lots of ruffles, jackets of varying over bright colors and gold buttons, jaunty hats with bright yellow feathers, and powdered wigs. Most of the team is looking unhappy at these getups.

THANDE
Are you sure it was a good idea
to have KIT design this clothing?

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? Oh, yeah, it’s fine.
Don’t you like it?

DAVE HOWERY walks into the room wearing a plain black and white commoner’s outfit and a three corner hat. He has a pair of flintlock pistols at his belt and is carrying a box filled with several more. He looks in shock at the flamboyant clothing of others and turns to leave.

DAVE HOWERY
I’m not going!

He gets halfway out the door before WEAPON M drags him back in, grumbling. DOCTOR WHAT sets up an easel with a picture of a large round spherical object on it.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right, listen up team. This is our target.
The A.S.S.H.A.T., or Automated Systemic
Subsumating Hyper Attenuating Transmogrifier.
Basically, if it goes off, you can kiss the
whole Caribbean basin here goodbye. It’s
shielded against teleportations, so we have
to go down and get it. Luckily, THANDE
knows quite a bit about them and can turn
it off. Once we get there, find it, and shut
it off, we’ll teleport it and ourselves out of
there. We don’t dare use the shuttle and risk
it being seen, so we’ll teleport down to an
isolated area near Redhook. Now, everyone
grab a pistol and lets go get us a big bomb.

The away team all crowd around the box and take a pistol out.

MICHAEL
Wow! These are pretty good.

STRAHA
Mine’s got something sticky on it.
(beat)
Oh, wait. That’s just my hands.

DOCTOR WHAT
These are pretty nice.
How did you make them up?

DAVE HOWERY smiles and draws one of the pistols at his belt.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, these are special. I made the metal parts
out of high carbon tool steel and added a
molecular bonding agent to make them pretty
much unbreakable. And I had THANDE make
up some stuff that looks like black powder, but
it has way more kick to it.

WEAPON M
Damn! We’ll kick some serious butt with these!

DAVE HOWERY
Well, I’ll be kicking butt with mine.
Those others are just cheap ones I made
with recycled parts from DOCTOR WHAT’s
worn out sex toys.

Everyone drops their pistols with a great clatter.

DAVE HOWERY
What?! I had to do something with them.
They were clogging up every recycling bin on the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay okay. Well, I have a com unit disguised
as a pipe, so we can talk to Leo. Everyone, to
the Teleportation Tube Room.

EXT. – OUTSIDE REDHOOK- NIGHT

The away team pop into view in an open field. They look around warily, but no one is in sight.

DOCTOR WHAT
(talking to pipe)
LEO, how far are we from Redhook?

LEO CAESIUS
Two miles east. But the A.S.S.H.A.T.
is moving away from you over the ocean.
It must be on a ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it! Let’s hurry and get there
and see what’s going on.

EXT. – REDHOOK- DAY

The away team is walking through the muddy streets, looking around. Everywhere there are fires blazing, collapsed buildings, bodies in the streets, and people screaming and running. Redcoat soldiers are trying to restore order. DOCTOR WHAT stops a man in the street.

DOCTOR WHAT
What has happened here?

MAN
It’s those ‘orrible pirates, sir, the ones from
the Timewarp ship. They hit us just before
dawn, cannons shooting into the town, good
Christians dying in their sleep. They looted
the squire’s mansion and carried off his goods.

DOCTOR WHAT
How terrible! Where is the squire’s
mansion? Maybe we can help.

The MAN points to a large building overlooking the harbor and runs off. The away team moves that way.

INT. – SQUIRE’S MANSION- DRAWING ROOM- DAY

The away team is seated at a table with fine glasses of wine… except for DAVE HOWERY, who has been mistaken for a servant and is standing by the wall, looking peeved. Squire LEEJ is standing and looking out the window.

LEEJ
A bad business, this pirate raid, very bad indeed.
His Majesty’s soldiers killed, my property carried
off, ships damaged in the harbor. One wishes the
Royal Navy would clean out that nest of pirates
on Great Inagua. But men of such obvious good
breeding such as yourselves must realize just how
it is in London. The king and Parliament bother
little about the colonies.

Squire LEEJ turns from the window with a sigh.

LEEJ
The miscreants even took my round steel meteorite
my servants found last night, even though it had little value.

The away team all glance at each other.

DOCTOR WHAT
Round steel meteorite, sir?

LEEJ
Yes an oddity from the heavens. It was made of
seamless steel and perfectly round. It was found
in a pit of splashed soil, as it had fallen from a
great height, of course.

DOCTOR WHAT
How curious! I wonder if my associates could
charter a ship and chase down these pirates
and recover your property.

LEEJ
Kind of you, but that would be dangerous.
No doubt, they are in the pirate haven of
Michael Town on Great Inagua. Plus, their
ship outguns anything you would find here.

DAVE HOWERY
Great Inagua. That’s a good location. It covers
the Windward Passage and the long strait from
Florida to Haiti. It’s central enough to hit about
anywhere in the Caribbean.

LEEJ whirls around angrily towards DAVE HOWERY, and the other team members look at him curiously.

DAVE HOWERY
What, I can’t know strategy?

LEEJ
You talk above your station, varlet!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Yes, Dave, be silent and speak
only when spoken to.
(to LEEJ)
I apologize for our servant’s bad
manners, sir. I’ll have him beaten later.

DAVE HOWERY looks really pissed, but stays silent.

LEEJ
Of course. Can’t tolerate such boldness
in your inferiors. Well, if you seriously
intend to pursue these pirates, I’ll send
word to the harbormaster. You do have
funds, I presume?

DOCTOR WHAT hesitates for a moment.

DAVE HOWERY
Pardon my intrusion, but we do
have sufficient coin for this. I
have it here in my pouch.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… very well. Sir, can you tell us anything
about this pirate band? Their ship is called the Timewarp. Who is their captain?

LEEJ
What.

DOCTOR WHAT
Pardon, who is the captain?

LEEJ
He is What.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

LEEJ
What is the captain.

DOCTOR WHAT
A man?

LEEJ
Of course. What is his name.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s what I’m asking you.

LEEJ
It is What.

DOCTOR WHAT
Who?

WEAPON M
What?

MICHAEL
Huh?

THANDE
Who?

HENDRYK
Je ne sais pah.

STRAHA
(waving hand in front of face)
This is so cool… ooh. Fingers.

DAVE HOWERY is trying hard not to laugh. TORQUMADA leans forward and whispers to DOCTOR WHAT. Nothing can be heard except for ‘your counterpart’.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh! I see. The captain’s name is WHAT.
With your permission, sir, we’ll go to the
harbormaster. Thank you for your hospitality.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good bye, fine sirs.
Hopefully you won’t die a horrible death
at the hands of those unruly pirates.
As does anyone who goes after them.

MICHAEL
Erm… is it too late to
head back to the ship?

EXT. – REDHOOK- DAY

The away team is walking along the docks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, at least we have a plan now.
What are the odds? A world as
different as this one and I still
have a counterpart here.

HENDRYK
That is odd. But what’s this about
money? I didn’t think to bring any.

HENDRYK turns to look at DAVE HOWERY, who is glaring at the others.

HENDRYK
Ah, you’re still not mad about
that servant thing, are you?

DAVE HOWERY
You could have told him the truth, you know!
Just because I don’t look as foppish as the rest
of you, I get stuck being your servant?! Well,
at least I remembered to bring money along.
I ran off a big stack of gold coins. It should be enough.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good thinking. Give me the pouch
so I can arrange for the ship.

DAVE HOWERY tosses him the pouch, and frowns.

DAVE HOWERY
Why can’t I do that?

DOCTOR WHAT
Servants don’t do such things. Now
walk along two paces behind the rest
of us. Must keep up appearances.

Everyone laughs as DAVE HOWERY audibly grinds his teeth in anger.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where’d you get all the gold anyway?

DAVE HOWERY
(nervously looking about)
uh.. earned it doing side.. jobs.

MICHAEL
(muttering)
He’s been selling spare
parts from the ship.

THUMP!

MICHAEL falls into the muddy street.

DAVE HOWERY
Whoops. Best watch where you’re stepping.

INT. -HARBORMASTER’S OFFICE- DAY

The camera shows Harbormaster WOZZA puttering around behind his desk as the away team walks through his door.

WOZZA
Ah, good day, gentlemen. You must be the
ones looking to charter a ship. I have a fine g
alleon for you, armed with the latest cannon.
The crew is experienced and their captain is
first rate. It will be expensive to charter it, but
it is the best. Just have your servant wait outside
and we’ll get this contract written out.

DAVE HOWERY looks ready to kill someone, but goes outside.

DOCTOR WHAT
We have enough coin for the ship.
Load it up with supplies, powder, and shot.

DOCTOR WHAT puts a handful of gold coins on the desk, and WOZZA picks one up and looks at it curiously.

WOZZA
These are unfamiliar to me.
Where were they coined?

DOCTOR WHAT
They are… uh… Tasmanian.

WOZZA
Strange… but gold is gold.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for your help. We’ll go
check out the ship now.
Oh, what is it called?

WOZZA
The Butterfly, sir.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
I like that name!

STRAHA
Sounds gay.

EXT. – HMS BUTTERFLY- DAY

The away team is walking up the boarding ramp to the ship. looking around, they see Captain FELLATIO NELSON. He is dressed even more flamboyantly than the away team. His jacket is a fine shade of puce, his leggings are much too tight, and his powdered wig is built up into an airy pattern. He sees the team and motions to his ensign, GEDCA, and the pair walk over to them.

FELLATIO NELSON
Well met, sirs! These are our patrons, ensign.
Find them good quarters below. Oh, and find
a hammock for their servant down in the hold.
Some place cramped, dirty, and equal to his station.

DAVE HOWERY looks ready to explode.

DOCTOR WHAT
That won’t be necessary.
He can sleep on the floor in my cabin.

DAVE HOWERY
(muttering)
Swell. Guess I better learn to sleep
on my back the whole trip.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voce)
Don’t flatter your self, Dave.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, you slept with a Neanderthal.

FELLATIO NELSON
Yes, having him sleep on your floor
will make it easier to beat him.
Well, sirs, we sail with the dawn!
Have your gear stowed aboard.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you, Captain.

The team looks around the ship. The camera pans across the tall masts, lines, the wheel, the capstan, and the sailors climbing the rigging.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ya know, this could be fun.

FELLATIO NELSON
Fun? No, sir! This will be a hard voyage
in search of a vile pirate vessel. Mark my
words, these pirates are hard and cruel men
who balk at nothing. Who knows what foul
tortures and indignities they would inflict
on our naked quivering flesh…
(a long pause)
sorry, what was I talking about? Oh yes,
the pirates. Make no mistake, they are
all black hearted scoundrels who have
broken all of God’s Commandments with glee.

EXT. – PIRATE SHIP TIMEWARP- NIGHT

The camera is tight on the Jolly Roger flying from the main mast. Singing can be heard faintly in the background.

INT. – PIRATE SHIP TIMEWARP- CAPTAIN’S MESS- NIGHT

CAPTAIN WHAT is seated at the head of a long table with some of the crew around it. The pirates are a dirty bearded lot, except for First Mate KIT (who is dressed even more garishly than FELLATIO NELSON) , and Cabin Boy LUAKEL (who isn’t old enough to grow a beard yet and who is busily serving drinks) . The pirates are singing lustily and beating their mugs of rum on the table. We hear that last few verses of their song.

THE PIRATE CHOIR
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me
We robs and we steals and we murders and rapes,
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
We eat babies on Sundays with apples and grapes,
Drink up me ‘earties yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
We take from the rich and we take from the poor,
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
We drink rum all day till we puke on the floor
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.
We plunder and burn, we’re wicked and cursed,
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
Of all the pirates, we’re really the worst
Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for meeeeee….

The pirates cheer and yell as the song ends. CAPTAIN WHAT stands up and the rest quiet down.

CAPTAIN WHAT
Arrr, mateys, another good haul. Once again,
we sails away with a hold full ‘o swag.
More loot to bury on our secret island!

FM KIT
Captain, why is it we always bury our loot?
Why don’t we spend some of it and enjoy life?

The pirates all look at FM KIT in shock.

CAPTAIN WHAT
Because… we’re pirates, by damn!
An’ pirates always buries their treasure
on secret islands. It’s in the pirate code!

PIRATE DRACONIS NOIR
Arrr, that KIT shore do talk funny, by damn.

PIRATE THANDE
Aye, matey, that he does.
Not like a proper pirate a’ tall.

The pirates eat, drink, and yell as CAPTAIN WHAT looks on. After a moment, he walks over to a large cabinet on the wall and opens the doors. It is filled with golden plunder… and the A.S.S.H.A.T. sits on top of the pile. PIRATE MATT walks over to the captain.

PIRATE MATT
Arr, Cap’n, what be
that shiny round thing?

CAPTAIN WHAT
I dunno, matey, but it be treasure, so we buries
it with the rest. But first, it’s off to Michael Town
for provisions and sex with prostitutes!

The pirates all cheer and raise their mugs.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – HMS BUTTERFLY – DAY

A MONTAGE of sailing scenes:

FELLATIO NELSON looking over the bow with a spyglass.

DOCTOR WHAT walking past a group of sailors scrubbing the deck.

The away team lined up at the rail and puking over the side.

The BUTTERFLY sailing across a setting sun.

DOCTOR WHAT gnawing on a piece of hardtack.

A sailor sounding the bell at night.

Fade to black.

EXT. – HMS BUTTERFLY – DECK – MORNING

The camera opens on a morning scene of the Butterfly moving slowly through a thick fog. DOCTOR WHAT walks onto the deck, followed by a bleary eyed DAVE HOWERY. FELLATIO NELSON is at the wheel, looking at the fog around the ship.

FELLATIO NELSON
Damn this fog! We’ll make poor headway today
if it doesn’t lift soon. At least we’re out on the
open sea, away from any…

The captain pauses and squints, looking sharply off the starboard side. A look of alarm crosses his face and he drops prone to the deck.

FELLATIO NELSON
Everyone down! Starboard crews to the cannons!

A series of low booms are heard and cannonballs are barely seen as they either shoot past the ship or crash into it. Chunks of wood fly as pieces of the railing explode. One shot hits the main mast, which comes crashing down. The camera switches to DOCTOR WHAT, who has dropped flat on the deck. He coughs, gets to his knees, and looks over the rail. The camera switches to his POV, and the Timewarp suddenly appears out of the fog, cannons at the ready and the deck crowded with snarling pirates. They are throwing grappling hooks at the rail of the Butterfly. The camera switches to FELLATIO NELSON, standing with saber drawn.

FELLATIO NELSON
Stand by to repel boarders!

The camera pans across the Butterfly, showing the crew drawing sabers and pistols. The away team have all come up on deck, looking uneasy.

WEAPON M
Christ, Doc, what do we do now?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we can’t hardly walk away from
this now, can we? Prepare to fight back.

The camera switches to the Timewarp, where dozens of pirates are running over to the Butterfly on boarding planks or swinging over on lines. One of the first to board is CAPTAIN WHAT, who lands in front of FELLATIO NELSON.

CAPTAIN WHAT
Kill the men! Loot the hold!
Rape the women and children!

FELLATION NELSON
Foul pirate! If you capture the ship,
I demand you rape me too!

CAPTAIN WHAT looks rather disgusted (and a little wistful) and begins a furious saber duel with FELLATIO NELSON.

The camera pans across the ship, showing pirates and sailors dueling and shooting.

The camera switches to MICHAEL who suddenly turns as PIRATE DRACONIS NOIR swings his cutlass at him. MICHAEL ducks and is barely missed. He looks for a place to hide, and is chased by the pirate. The camera switches to HENDRYK, who is confronted by CB LUAKEL, who is holding a knife and trying to look fearsome.

CB LUAKEL
Grrr! I’m a nasty bad pirate! Grrr! Grrrr!

HENDRYK glances at him and idly pushes him, which knocks him over the rail. CB LUAKEL comes sputtering up the surface and starts to swim, but a shark explodes from the water and drags him, screaming, under.

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who is bemusedly watching the fight. He hears someone off camera call his name, and turns to see MICHAEL holding a deck chair for protection as PIRATE DRACONIS NOIR chops furiously at it.

MICHAEL
Damn it Howery, use your super
duper pistol and take this idiot out!

DAVE HOWERY
My pistols? Oh yeah, forgot about them.

DAVE HOWERY draws a pistol, tracks PIRATE DRACONIS NOIR with it a moment, and fires. A tremendous BOOM overwhelms all other noise on the ship, and we see a brief scene of DAVE HOWERY flying backwards from the recoil. The camera follows the bullet. It goes through PIRATE DRACONIS NOIR, the rail of the Butterfly, the rail of the Timewarp, three more pirates on that ship, the main mast, two more pirates, the further rail of the ship, and out of sight across the ocean.

The camera switches back to the Butterfly, where pirates and sailors alike are still with shock.

PIRATE WEAPON M
By damn!

PIRATE MATT
They killed DRACONIS NOIR!

PIRATE GREY WOLF
Them bastards!

CAPTAIN WHAT
Retreat!

The pirates break off the attack and run back to their ship. They cut all boarding lines and quickly sail away. The sailors from the Butterfly crowd the rail and cheer.
The camera switches to MICHAEL, who peeks out from behind his battered deck chair.

MICHAEL
Wow! That was some shot!

MICHAEL looks around to see DAVE HOWERY flattened upside down against the port rail. He walks over to him.

MICHAEL
Are you dead?

DAVE HOWERY
Mnitn frmlnu wutnhm irglfn.

MICHAEL
Huh?

DAVE HOWERY
Mnitn frmlnu wutnhm irglfn.

MICHAEL
That’s what I thought you said.

The camera switches to WEAPON M and DOCTOR WHAT at the starboard rail, watching the Timewarp disappear into the fog.

WEAPON M
Damn it, they’re getting
away with the A.S.S.H.A.T.!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, and with our main mast down,
we’re not gonna catch them. We’ll
have to make repairs and limp along
to Michael Town and hope we can
find them there.

The camera cuts to a scene of the Butterfly slowly moving in the wake of the Timewarp.

Fade to black.

EXT. – GREAT INAGUA- MICHAEL TOWN- DAY

The camera opens on a scene high over Michael Town, panning across the dirt streets filled with hundreds of pirates, drinking, fighting, and shooting. Dozens of pirate ships are lined up at the dock.

The camera switches to the jungle on the edge of the town. The away team emerges from it. They are wearing plain dirty clothing, typical pirate outfits.

DOCTOR WHAT
I hope these disguises work. Okay, let’s spread
out and ask around about the Timewarp. Let’s
all meet up tomorrow at noon at the town square,
by the well there.

The team moves into the town and head in different directions.

A MONTAGE of scenes in Michael Town.

WEAPON M is shown in a tavern, drinking and singing.

HENDRYK is seen talking to a pirate, but a pretty Chinese girl walks past and he immediately follows her with tongue hanging out.

Next, we see a long line of impatient looking hookers standing outside a door in a seedy inn. The door opens, a disheveled hooker walks out, and DOCTOR WHAT appears, grinning. He motions to the next hooker in line, and she walks into the room.

MICHAEL is seen cowering in an alley, curled up in a shaking ball. The camera pulls back and we see a mother duck and eight cute fuzzy ducklings nosing the ground in front of him.

TORQUMADA is seen being robbed at gunpoint and handing over his coin pouch to a pirate. The pirate takes it and turns away, and TORQUMADA sticks him with a hypodermic, and he drops. TORQUMADA takes back his coins, then takes the pirate’s pouch, his pistol, his knife, his belts, his boots, and the gold fillings out of his teeth.

STRAHA is seen leaning up against a wall in an alley, a vacant grin on his face; he’s not moving.

THANDE is seen struggling in the embrace of an incredibly fat and ugly tavern wench who seems to have the hots for him. In spite of his valiant efforts to escape, he is being dragged inexorably to a room at the back of the tavern.

The last scene shows DAVE HOWERY walking around and stopping when he sees a blacksmith working in front of his shop. A look of deep thought goes across his face, and then he grins and walks towards the smithy.

Fade out.

EXT. – MICHAEL TOWN- TOWN SQUARE- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of the center of town, a wide square surrounded by market stalls. A well is at the center of it. DOCTOR WHAT stands by it impatiently. The other team members, except for DAVE HOWERY, come into the square one by one and move over to the well. DOCTOR WHAT looks tired, MICHAEL is pale, STRAHA still looks dazed, WEAPON M looks hungover, and THANDE looks absolutely demoralized and shattered. DOCTOR WHAT looks at him curiously.

DOCTOR WHAT
What happened to you?

THANDE
Unclean. Unclean.
I need to shower.
Unclean.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ooookay. So, what did you all find out?

The team all look at each other expectantly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great. None of you found out anything?
Damn, me neither. And I spent all night
questioning people. Wait… where is Howery?

WEAPON M
Do you suppose he got himself captured?

HENDRYK
He does have a knack for it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, let’s go over to the docks and see if
the Timewarp is there. Maybe we’ll have
to rescue him… again.

VOICE
(off camera)
And who’s gonna rescue you, mateys?

The team look around to see themselves surrounded by dozens of pirates, all pointing pistols at them. The crew of the Timewarp, led by CAPTAIN WHAT, is among them.

CAPTAIN WHAT
I hear you been asking questions about us all
over town, lubber. I don’ like nosey parkers
buttin’ into me business. So, we fills you
with lead and feeds you to the sharks. But
before we sends your carcasses to Davy Jones
…. Sing us a ditty.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Uh… you want us to sing you a song?

CAPTAIN WHAT points his pistol at DOCTOR WHAT’s nose and grins. The away team all look at each other and start singing different songs simultaneously.

WEAPON M
I’m a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world…

DOCTOR WHAT
When I think about you, I touch myself…

MICHAEL
Man! I feel like a woman…

THANDE
Jingle bells, Batman smells,
Robin laid an egg…

HENDRYK
I like big butts and I cannot lie….

TORQUMADA
Yo, tell you what I want,
what I really really want…

STRAHA
We’re gonna get high high high
in the midday sun….

T he pirates all look on in stunned disbelief for a moment and then CAPTAIN WHAT fires a shot into the air, and everyone quiets down.

CAPTAIN WHAT
Tha’s bloody awful! Maybe
you be dancers instead.

CAPTAIN WHAT fires a shot into the ground at DOCTOR WHAT’s feet, who hops in surprise.

CAPTAIN WHAT
Strike up a tune, lads!

The pirates all grin nastily and point their pistols at the feet of the away team. A low thud reverberates through the square. One pirate looks around curiously, but no one else seems to notice.

CAPTAIN WHAT
If ya dances for us real handily,
we won’t plug ya in the belly to die slow…

Another low thud, louder, is heard. This time, several pirates notice and look around.

CAPTAIN WHAT
We’ll plug ya in the head,
quick and easy like…

Another thud is heard, very noticeable this time, and most of the pirates and away team look around in confusion.

CAPTAIN WHAT
An’ after you’re food for the sharks,
maybe no other nosy lubbers will bother us…

A very loud and jarring thud is heard, shaking nearby windows and stalls. The pirates all look around, and then are seen looking at something behind and above the team. Their faces go slack with fear. The team members turn around, and we see their eyes go wide with surprise. The camera switches to their POV.

A gigantic iron figure roughly in the shape of a man is walking towards them, each footstep shaking the ground. It is made of welded iron and has jointed arms and legs. One arm is a crude multi-barreled Gatling gun, and the other is a brass smoothbore cannon. A steam engine is mounted on the back of the figure, with a long exhaust pipe sticking up out of it. The iron giant walks right up to the edge of the square and stops.

The camera switches back to the away team.

DOCTOR WHAT
I can’t believe he built that in
one day without power tools.

TORQUMADA
And yet he can’t fix the
air conditioning back on the ship.

The camera switches back to the steam-mech and pans it from feet to top and closes in on the head. We see the head is actually a cockpit. DAVE HOWERY is sitting there, in front of a bank of levers and wheels. With a slightly mad grin, he pulls on two levers. The camera switches to a different angle, and the steam-mech is seen swiveling with a metallic groan. Both arms point down at the pirates, who panic and shoot, but their shots just bounce off the iron.

HENDRYK
You don’t suppose he’ll shoot
with us standing here, do you?

MICHAEL
Depends… do you think he’s still
mad about that whole ‘servant’ thing?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh hell. Uh… run!

The away team runs away from the pirates. A shrill steam whistle sounds from the mech and the Gatling gun fires. A storm of bullets plows through the massed pirates, and dozens of them go down; they break and run. The steam-mech moves after them. The away team stops and looks at the mech moving away. People are screaming and running as the steam-mech flattens buildings and shoots at the fleeing pirates. A swathe of destruction is left in its wake.

DOCTOR WHAT
Be quick and quiet, I said. Don’t want
to upset their culture or religion, I said.
Oh, this is gonna screw this world up good!

WEAPON M
See, this is why we don’t let
him off the ship more often.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, he’s heading for
the docks. Let’s follow him.

EXT. – MICHAEL TOWN- DOCKS- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of the steam-mech walking along the docks, methodically shooting into pirate ships as it goes. It stops when it reaches the Timewarp, and points both arms at the ship. Pirates are jumping off of it and swimming away, until the ship is deserted. The camera switches to the away team, who are running up behind the mech, panting.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, at least the ship is deserted. Now,
we can get on board, have THANDE
deactivate the A.S.S.H.A.T. and
teleport it and us off this world.

HENDRYK
If Howery doesn’t sink it first.

With a loud series of hisses and metallic clicks, the steam-mech freezes into position and shuts down. The cockpit hatch opens, a rope ladder is thrown out of it, and DAVE HOWERY climbs down out of it. He walks over to the away team, a huge grin on his face.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey guys! Well, our job is about over here.
Good thing I came along when I did, huh?
You looked like you were in a tight spot.
How do you like my toy here… it’s a beauty!

The rest of the team look at him with stony expressions.

DAVE HOWERY
What?

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTATION ROOM- DAY

The away team and the A.S.S.H.A.T. pop into view. G. BONE looks at their dirty pirate clothing.

G. BONE
What happened to the fancy duds
KIT made for you?

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s a long story.

G. BONE looks at DAVE HOWERY, who looks stunned.

G. BONE
What’s with you?

DAVE HOWERY
Banned. For life. Banned for life.

G. BONE shakes his head, and notices THANDE, who looks haunted and shaky.

G. BONE
And you?

THANDE
Never ask me about her!
Never! I’m unclean! Unclean!

THANDE runs from the room sobbing. The rest of the team shake their heads and leave also, except for DAVE HOWERY, who lingers behind. When the rest are gone, he walks over to G. BONE.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, I need you to do a special teleport for me.

He whispers something to G. BONE.

G. BONE
I can’t do that!

DAVE HOWERY takes out a pistol and points it at G. BONE.

DAVE HOWERY
Please?

G. BONE
I find your arguments
convincing. Stand by.

EXT. – WASHINGTON DC- WHITE HOUSE- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of several people standing outside the White House, pointing at something behind the camera. A man in a military uniform appears, looking shocked. The camera switches to his POV, and we see the steam-mech standing on the lawn. A packet is taped to one leg. The officer goes slowly over to the mech and takes the packet. He opens it and finds a manual with the title “How to build, operate, and maintain your Mk. 1 Steam-Mech”. He finds another sheet of paper inside and opens it. The final shot is a close up of the page, which reads

“On to Canada!”.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

Category: Series / Tags: A.S.S.H.A.T., mechas, Pirates

Do the Anime-tion

Psychomeltdown / May 31, 2009 / 2 comments

titlecard-anime-tion

TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, WEAPON M and KIT are at their various stations (for once). As if to make up for it, DOCTOR WHAT is slouched down in the captain’s chair, LANDSHARK looks bored, WEAPON M is looking twitchy and KIT looks… forlorn.

KIT
(heaving a deep sigh)
Oh, Antonio…

LANDSHARK
(annoyed)
Would you stop mooning over those clones already?

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re just angry because you
and IY were otherwise occupied.

LANDSHARK
(muttering)
The innuendo… the blackmail material…
It would’ve been Gold, I’m telling you! Pure Gold!

DAVE HOWERY and GBW walk in.

LEO CAESIUS
(monotone voice)
Good morning, Dave.

DAVE HOWERY
(glaring)
If it wasn’t funny the first dozen times,
what makes you think it is now?

DAVE HOWERY grumbles and heads over to the engineering station, which has a screensaver of a map of North America with nukes launching from the US and exploding in Canada like in WarGames.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, so we’re all here for the transdimensional shift?
(pause)
What are you doing here, GBW?

GBW
The hallways and most of the rooms are
still getting cleaned after the latest… incident.
(shudders)
Besides, I haven’t gotten to see one of these shifts from here yet.

LANDSHARK
Well just don’t get in the way, Second Pilot.
(looking smug)
Let us professionals handle this.

GBW rolls his eyes and stands off to the side.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Shot of the exterior of the MES AH.COM with Earth in the background. Suddenly, a swirling red vortex opens and the AH.COM zooms into it.

The view abruptly changes to showing only black with stars. The swirling red vortex appears and the AH.COM shoots out. After gliding along gracefully for a little bit, what appears to be a small piece of rusted debris slams into the ship.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Everyone jerks forward slightly at the impact; DOCTOR WHAT looks around wildly.

DOCTOR WHAT
What happen?

LANDSHARK
Somebody set up us the debris.

DOCTOR WHAT
What!

KIT
Main screen turn on!

The main screen activates and shows Earth in the background with, in the distance, what appears to be several space stations and other ships in orbit. More immediately, however, is the large debris field they’re coming upon.

DOCTOR WHAT
You know what you doing.
Move ship.
For Great Justice.

GBW strides over to DOCTOR WHAT.

GBW
Hey, snap out of it!
Are you guys feeling alright?

DOCTOR WHAT
What you say!!
(shakes head)
I mean… yeah, I’m alright.
(muttering)
Last time I fall asleep watching sub-titled porno…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“DO THE ANIME-TION”

Written By : GBW

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

A huge holographic globe floats above the conference table with representations of heavy orbital traffic around it. Seated around the table are DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, WEAPON M, KIT, DAVE HOWERY, GBW and HENDRYK.

DOCTOR WHAT
So what have we got this time, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
This is fairly interesting.
This Earth is dominated by Japan in every
conceivable way. Politically, economically, culturally…

There’s an immediate uproar from those seated at the table.

DAVE HOWERY
What about the US?!

LANDSHARK
No globe-spanning British Empire?!

HENDRYK
What happened to Zhengguo?!

DOCTOR WHAT
Come on, settle down and let him finish.
How did this happen, Leo?

GBW
And what’s with all the space traffic out there?

LEO CAESIUS
From what I can ascertain, the United States
had an even worse Depression than we knew in OTL,
complete with political strife. Leading scientists in Europe
decided to stay there in this timeline. World War 2 broke out
pretty much on schedule and the US pulled together
just enough after Japan attacked Pearl Harbor.
Apparently Germany saw its inevitable defeat earlier
and sent its advanced jet and rocket technology,
including several leading scientists, to Japan in exchange
for Japanese biological agents. Subsequent use of them
by German forces sent plagues sweeping through Europe,
just about as bad as the arrival of the Black Death in the Middle Ages.
That, in addition to several German atomic bombs expended
on Britain and the USSR, made all of Europe a shell of its
former self. Japan was defeated when the US dropped an atomic
bomb on Tokyo, killing the Emperor and most of his cabinet.
It underwent a disarming and occupation similar to OTL, except
that a Morgenthau-like plan was enabled long enough for the
islands of Shikoku and Hokkaido to be completely de-industrialized
and turned into agrarian-based economies before the plan was
halted. The islands were isolated by the US and reverted to
the feudal era and Tokyo was allowed to remain in ruins.

DOCTOR WHAT
(frowning and stroking goatee)
Hold on, how did Japan come to dominate then?

LEO CAESIUS
Japan, being the country that had directly attacked the
‘disunited’ US, was the only foreign commitment the various
factions could agree on and Europe was left to fend for itself.
Eventually, though, even Japan became too much for the US
and they withdrew in the ’50s to try and set their own country
in order. Japan maintained its pacifist constitution and put minimal
funding into their Self-Defense Forces while pumping money into
various technologies with commercial applications: computers, genetic
engineering, robotics, space travel… they’re all advanced beyond
the level of OTL. Japanese investment into Europe subordinated it
to Japan and Japanese peacekeeping forces finally stabilized the
US under isolationists; Japan is the only one to have trade
relations with the US, known here as the “Hermit Republic.” The
‘Feudal Zones’ in Japan were maintained as testing grounds for new
technologies, especially the genetic engineering, and Tokyo was
eventually refounded and rebuilt as Neo-Tokyo.

GBW
(dryly)
Genetic engineering run amok. Sounds familiar.

Everyone else at the table manages to look indignant at the same time.

Moment of uncomfortable silence follows.

WEAPON M
So… we gonna head down to the surface?

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t we always?
(as everyone stands)
GBW, you stay here. The rest of us will get
some of the others and head down to this
Neo-Tokyo place.

DAVE HOWERY
(excitedly)
I get to go?!

GBW
Oh, come on, Doc.
It’s not like I’ve hacked everything
in sight with an adamantium chainsaw.
(to Dave)
No offense.

DAVE HOWERY
Hmm? Oh, none taken.
(pause)
Hey…

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, when we went down to that
other world ruled by an island nation,
Dave sort’ve came in handy.
No monarchs here, but still…
The principle is the same.

GBW
(with a sigh)
Okay, fine.
Just remember, those new people
wanted to send one of theirs along on
one of these landing parties.

DOCTOR WHAT
You mean the cannon fodder?
(shrugs)
Fine. KIT, go pick one of
them at random or something.

KIT
Ooo! My pick! I think
I know just the one..

DAVE HOWERY
We gotta stop picking up these strays.
For one thing they drink booze that
should be mine. And they always die.

DOCTOR WHAT
Not always….

They all head out.

INT. – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

G.BONE is leaned back in a chair, feet propped carefully up onto the controls and flipping through a Sci-Fi magazine with Boomer of the new Battlestar Galactica on the cover. He flips a page and grins, turns it sideways.

G.BONE
Ah, multiple Boomers…

The door to the Teleportation Room opens abruptly and G.BONE ‘eeps’ and shuts the magazine quickly as the landing party, composed of LANDSHARK, WEAPON M, KIT, DAVE HOWERY, HENDRYK, MATT, IRONYUPPIE and JASON, files in. The ‘regulars’ are all wielding their usual weapons and outfits, while JASON is wearing a tunic with embroidered edging with chain mail over it and has a sword and scramasax at his belt, a longbow slung from shoulder to the opposite hip, a kite shield on his arm and carrying a dane axe in the other hand. KIT is grinning at him and JASON looks understandably nervous. MATT, in his Power Armor, and WEAPON M, festooned with various firearms, are eyeing JASON with visible scorn.

WEAPON M
Right idea, wrong era.
(slaps his Daewoo .223)
What you need is firepower!

MATT
Yeah, what’re you gonna do?
Make pretty swipes with a sword?

WEAPON M and MATT share a raucous laugh while JASON glares at them.

JASON
(under his breath)
Knaves…

KIT
(taking JASON’s arm)
C’mon, boys, be nice.
We’re all trying to make new friends, right?
(winks at JASON)

JASON manages a sickly smile and detaches his arm from KIT. LANDSHARK, meanwhile, is glancing at his watch while G.BONE eyes them and frowns suddenly.

G.BONE
Where’s Doctor What?
Doesn’t he always go on these things?

The Teleportation Room door opens again and everyone looks over. Jaws drop.

DAVE HOWERY
My eyes!

WEAPON M
That’s all sorts of wrong…

LANDSHARK
(thoughtfully)
I could definitely pull that off better.

IRONYUPPIE
Not with a skirt that short, Sharkboy.

HENDRYK
It is not our place to question the Great What!
(ruins the moment by shifting his eyes to the door nervously)

DOCTOR WHAT saunters in, wearing a Japanese schoolgirl outfit.

MATT
Doc…
(gestures at him)
What the hell?

DOCTOR WHAT
What? Just trying to blend in with the worlds.
Go around incognito and stuff.

IRONYUPPIE
Not with that outfit your not.

KIT
(nodding)
You don’t have the legs for it.

DOCTOR WHAT glowers at them all, then looks at JASON.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, well, you don’t think I blend in?
What about this guy? Medieval gear in an ultra-modern Japanese major city?

JASON glares and mutters under his breath some more; sets himself firmly and sticks out his jaw, determined to remain stoic.

DOCTOR WHAT walks onto the pad with the others.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, just set us down in the vicinity of where Tokyo is.

G.BONE
Dude! You’re going to Japan and stuff?
Can I come this time–

G.BONE notices the weird look they’re giving him at the very idea and sighs. He works the controls glumly and everyone vanishes with a pop.

A moment later, warning lights start flashing across the board.

G.BONE
Huh? That never happened before…

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

We see the AH.COM orbiting above the Japanese Home Islands at night, which are lit up with bright lights at the various cities, with the notable exception of two of the islands.

Suddenly, we see a glittering along the atmosphere above Japan, and nine different brightly glowing spots moving about a bit before they converge into one extremely bright spot. With a brief blinding moment, the spot extends upwards into a beam that pierces a space station before blinking out. After a pause, explosions extend outward from where the beam entered and exited the space station; after a few more explosions wrack the space station, the whole thing explodes and rocks the AH.COM slightly.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW paces between the controls and the captain’s chair. Notices the nearby shotgun, looks thoughtful a moment, then shakes his head and sets a hand on the hilt of the Greatsword sheathed at his back as he starts to sit in the chair.

Alarms start sounding and GBW straightens quickly and looks around.

GBW
Leo! What’s going on?!

LEO CAESIUS
I’m not sure. There’s been some sort of energy
discharge from the upper atmosphere that has
destroyed one of the space stations.

GBW
(frowning)
One of their own space stations?
Was there a ship or satellite there?

LEO CAESIUS
Negative. It appears there was an unstable
force field being generated in that area.

The console beeps.

GBW
What now?
(hits a button)

G.BONE (from speaker)
Hello? I’ve got, like, a problem down here.

GBW
What kind of problem?
(pause)
Hold on, wasn’t the landing party supposed
to be leaving right about now?

G.BONE (from speaker)
Yeah, here’s the thing.
I teleported them…
(muttering)
Like I always do…
(coughs)
Well, from what I can tell it was interrupted by something.

GBW
Like what–
(eyes widen)

LEO CAESIUS
Like an unstable force field, I’d surmise.

GBW
(sighing)
Aw shit.
What happened to the landing party then?
Where are they?

EXT. – NEO-TOKYO, JAPAN – NIGHT

We see a wide highway with stone embankments on either side with evenly spaced streetlights and vegetation beyond. In the distance we see downtown Neo-Tokyo, glass and metal buildings that are brightly-lit and shaped as tall towering skyscrapers and the occasional oddity like a dome, pyramid and triangle. There are distant animated advertisements along many of the buildings and, weaving amongst the pinnacles of the buildings, several airships float around waving spotlights back and forth with their own animated advertisements flashing along the balloons.

WEAPON M, DAVE HOWERY and MATT suddenly materialize in the middle of the highway which, fortunately, is conspicuously absent of traffic.

DAVE HOWERY
Did anyone else feel that?
(pause)
Crap, that’s not what I meant Kit–
(looks around)
Hey, where is everybody?

WEAPON M
Beats me. Maybe if we look around–
Hey, airships!

WEAPON M and DAVE HOWERY turn to look at the airships floating around Neo-Tokyo while MATT remains more alert, scanning their surroundings. After a moment, he starts looking off-camera.

MATT
Uh, guys?

DAVE HOWERY
Look at how many there are!

WEAPON M
There were more on that one world
we visited a while back. You know,
the ones with all those doubles–

MATT
Guys!

MATT suddenly shoves them aside and backs up quickly as somebody on a futuristic looking motorcycle that’s very Tron-like, with the exception of the open-air seat, zooms between them. He screeches sideways to a halt, kicking up some sparks in the process, and we see a young Japanese teenager wearing a blue and black leather outfit. He glares at them and revs the engine.

MATT
Hey! Didn’t you see us there?!
Were you trying to run us down?!

JAPANESE TEEN
(insolent smirk)
What if I was?
This is my turf.

MATT
We don’t care about your damn turf!
Just watch where you’re going next time.

JAPANESE TEEN
You got a bad attitude, pops.
Lighten up before your arteries harden.

MATT
(indignantly)
Pops?!

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, why don’t you just beat it, punk?

The teen scowls and pulls a bulky-looking pistol that looks as if a .45 might have been a distant ancestor.

WEAPON M
(raising his assault rifle)
Hey kid, if you haven’t noticed
we’ve got you a bit outnumbered here.

JAPANESE TEEN
(grinning evilly)
Not for long.

The sound of rockets firing suddenly sounds and the AH.Commers look up to see someone in a slender, more agile-looking set of Power Armor lowering down. As he nears the ground, another Japanese teen wearing a bokken outfit, with the short-sleeved white jacket and wide-legged black pants, leaps down from where he was holding on and pulls a katana with what looks like electronics on the hilt. The one in the Power Armor raises an arm and a Gatling-like cannon emerges.

DAVE HOWERY
Aw crap.

EXT. – SHIKOKU ‘FEUDAL ZONE’ – NIGHT

We see a forest clearing at night with tall trees towering overhead, letting in minimal moonlight. Its made up somewhat by the fireflies floating around, giving it an ethereal appearance.

DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK and JASON materialize in the middle of it, sending a few of a fireflies skittering away.

DOCTOR WHAT
Did anyone else feel that?
(pause)
Damn, that’s not what I meant, KIT–
Wait, where is everyone?
(another pause)
This doesn’t look like Neo-Tokyo…

HENDRYK
Indeed not, Great Doctor.

JASON
Mayhaps we have landed
somewhere outside this city?

DOCTOR WHAT
I suppose it’s possible.
(looks around)
Does anyone else hear that?

The three of them look around as they hear a somewhat distant splashing sound. They head towards the sound, DOCTOR WHAT cursing under his breath as they head through the undergrowth. JASON glances at him.

JASON
‘Twould have been better to wear long pants, I’d say.
(smiles)
It would appear I’m the one who blends in now.

DOCTOR WHAT just glares at him.

HENDRYK
How dare you question the Great What?! I–

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly makes a ‘shut up’ gesture; he’s noticed a kimono lying on some rocks and is wearing a goofy grin. After a moment, HENDRYK grins himself and the two nod at each other as JASON frowns. DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK start to sneak towards the splashing noises and take a moment to notice that JASON isn’t following.

DOCTOR WHAT
(low voice)
What’s the hold up?

JASON
I shall not besmirch my honor with such skulkery!
Do as you please, I will await your return.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging)
Suit yourself.

DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK continue on to some nearby bushes and peer over their edge towards a hot spring. Though slightly hazy from the steam rising from it, they can still make out the form of a Japanese woman who is bathing there. DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK gawk until both reach for their noses at the same time.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell?
I got a nosebleed all of a sudden.

HENDRYK
That’s strange, so did I…

HENDRYK reaches into a pocket of his robes, accidentally rustling the bushes in the process.

The Japanese woman looks over sharply and her eyes widen. The camera shifts to a nearby towel as her hand grabs it, then to a stone as she grabs that. Clutching the towel to herself, she winds up with the stone.

WOMAN
(flinging the stone)
Perverts!

DOCTOR WHAT
(as the stone enters the bushes)
Ow!

DOCTOR WHAT staggers upright, holding his shoulder. HENDRYK slowly stands up beside him.

HENDRYK
Ah, now I think we’ve had a misunderstanding here–

The woman cuts him off by screaming and scurrying out of the spring to hide behind some bushes. HENDRYK looks as if he’s trying to make placating gestures when four men wearing samurai armor, two of them minus helmets, rush into the clearing around the hot spring with their katanas drawn.

SAMURAI
What is wrong, Keiko?!
(notices the AH.Commers)
Dishonorable scum! Attacking my sister as she bathes?!

HENDRYK
Wait, that’s not what happened at all–

SAMURAI
Get them!

The samurai rush DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK, katanas raised.

INT. – BATHHOUSE – NIGHT

We see your typical Japanese bathhouse with ceramic tile floors and walls, a pool of water and nearby stools and basins of water for washing before soaking in the pool. Though nobody is around, the water in the pool is obviously still warm from the gentle steam rising from it.

LANDSHARK, KIT and IRONYUPPIE materialize between the pool and the stools.

KIT
(suddenly grinning)
Did anyone else feel that?
(looks around a moment, then his expression falls)
Hey, I don’t see JASON…
or a lot of other people, for that matter.

LANDSHARK
(looking around)
Where the bloody hell are we?

IRONYUPPIE
Looks like a spa.
The sort’ve place the marks
would go to instead of my farm.
(scowls)

LANDSHARK starts to lay a reassuring hand on her shoulder, but a glare from IRONYUPPIE stops him dead and makes him glance away.

Unnoticed, the surface water of the pool starts to swirl slightly behind the AH.Commers. After a moment, three things suddenly break the water and inch towards their ankles. A closer shot and we see that they’re…

TENTACLES!

The shot cuts to a view of the doorway leading to the room; we suddenly hear yelling, screaming and splashing.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW
(nodding thoughtfully)
Scattering effect.
That kind’ve makes sense.
So they could have been sent
all over Japan instead of just Neo-Tokyo?

LEO CAESIUS
I believe that is a reasonable conclusion.
Luckily they weren’t scattered into small bits.

GBW
So can we teleport them up, then?

G.BONE (from speaker)
No way, man!
With that force field over Japan still up,
there’s no way we could beam them directly
back to the ship. They’d probably get scattered
off course to the Moon and other places in the
solar system – or even interstellar space!

Moment of silence as they consider this.

GBW
Hmm… no, I guess not.

LEO CAESIUS
We are receiving a transmission
from one of the Japanese spaceships.
(pause)
It has the Japanese naval ensign on its side.

GBW
(sinking feeling)
Put it on speaker.

VOICE (from speaker)
This is Admiral Kaneda of the
Japanese Space Self-Defense Force.
We detected that burst of energy you
directed at the Home Islands.
Your treacherous attack against Japan
has resulted in the destruction of one of
our orbital manufacturing facilities!
Surrender now or prepare to be fired upon!

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

The view shifts from the AH.COM to a nearby Japanese spaceship. It has numerous spherical turrets with cannons pointing in various directions. Suddenly, they all swivel to point directly at the AH.COM; meanwhile, several fighters that look like advanced versions of OTL carrier jets scramble out from the ship.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LEO CAESIUS
I’m detecting multiple weapons lock signatures.

GBW stares at the main screen which is showing the Japanese spaceship turning to present its broadside towards the AH.COM while the fighters are heading straight for them. GBW hurries over to the pilot’s seat and sits.

GBW
Shields up! Red alert!

LEO CAESIUS
Red alert?

GBW
What? Don’t tell me we don’t have a red alert!

LEO CAESIUS
(after a pause)
Several crewmembers complained that it was too noisy…

GBW
Oh, for Ian’s sake!
Just the shields then!

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

Close up on the Japanese spaceship’s turrets. They open fire.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

Close up on the Japanese spaceship’s turrets. They open fire.

The camera follows the energy blasts as they streak towards the AH.COM and strike the shield, making it visible for a moment.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW holds on to the controls console as the ship rocks from the impact of the blasts, then quickly gets the ship moving.

GBW
I can’t fly this thing and fire
weapons at the same time!
Leo, try and get ahold of
someone to get up here!

INT. – TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SHEEP – DAY

We see the raised dais heaped with pillows and the SHEEP THE SIZE OF A VW CAMPER VAN!!!!!!!! STRAHA is passed out on the pillows in a haze of smoke. The view shifts and we see an extremely weary PYSCHOMELTDOWN taking down a last couple handbills from the doors leading to the Temple.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damned Reformists…

He staggers back towards the dais and, just as he’s about to ease himself onto the pillows next to the SHEEP, we hear a beep.

GBW (from speaker)
Is anyone down there?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(with a sigh)
Oh, come on.
DAVE knows this isn’t my shift…

GBW (from speaker)
It’s not that. I need someone to
handle weapons. Can you get up here?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(as he eases himself onto a pillow)
Sure, just let me sit here a moment and rest for a…
(trails off as he slumps back onto the pillows)

GBW (from speaker)
Hello?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN lets out a snore.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The words ‘Time Passes’ appear briefly.

GBW
Fine, try MICHAEL then!

LEO CAESIUS
Channel open.

GBW
MICHAEL, I need you to get up here and–

MICHAEL (from speaker)
(growling)
Sod off.
(sound of channel being closed)

GBW
(looking harassed)
Damn it! GREY WOLF’s drunk again.
THANDE’s locked himself in his lab.
OTHNIEL’s at Bible study.
TORQUMADA… creeps me out…
And now MICHAEL!

LEO CAESIUS
He has been in a negative mood as of late.
(pause)
Have you tried DIAMOND?

GBW
(looking surprised)
You know, I just haven’t seen him around lately.
Alright, let’s give it a shot.

LEO CAESIUS
Channel open.

GBW
DIAMOND? You there?

Disturbing sound of giggling.

GBW
(warily)
Er… DIAMOND?
Is that you?

DIAMOND (from speaker)
Huh? Oh shit!
(scrambling sounds)
Wow, this thing still works?

GBW
Listen, we’re under attack!

Nothing.

GBW
Ah, red alert?

Nothing.

GBW
Er… General Quarters?

DIAMOND (from speaker)
To the eyeglasses!

GBW
No, not there!
I need you up here in
the Control Room to handle weapons.

DIAMOND (from speaker)
Alright… um, it’ll take me a moment…

GBW
Fine, get some pants on and get up here.

DIAMOND (from speaker)
What the…?!
How did you…?!
Damn your eyes!
(channel’s closed)

Another volley from the Japanese ship makes the view of the Control Room tilt partially sideways and shake for a moment while GBW holds on to the console, then rights itself.

LEO CAESIUS
The Japanese fighters have changed course.
They’re flying directly at us.

GBW
Are they going to try and ram us?

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

We see the white and red Japanese fighters flying directly at the AH.COM, cannons blazing against the shield. As they near the shield, they abruptly brake and the tail and wings transform into arms and legs hanging down from the cockpit, the arms holding a cannon. After a few moments, they transform fully into Mech forms; several of them suddenly launch dozens of missiles from their backs that shoot out towards the AH.COM and explode all along the shields. Several Mechs fly directly at the shield in the wake of the explosions, cannons blazing.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW
(unbelievingly)
They’ve got Mechs?!

LEO CAESIUS
Shields have been weakened all along that side.
The Japanese Mechs are concentrating their fire
and appear to be attempting to punch through
the shield to the hull.
I estimate they’ll break through in less than five minutes.

GBW
We can’t get boarded again!
(pause)
Hold on… I think I know someone
who may be able to help…

EXT. – AH.COM’s HULL – NIGHT

We see the Japanese Mechs hovering inches above the shield, pouring cannon fire into it. Finally, holes grow slowly in the shield and the Mechs streak through towards the hull, the holes slowly closing after them.

Upward shot from the hull as the Mechs descend and land with metallic CLANGs. One of them cocks something on the side of the cannon, causing a high pitched electronic whine that’s followed by a solid beam of energy shooting from the cannon and cutting into the hull. Suddenly, something impacts the cannon and causes it to explode, the rest of the Mech following soon after. The other Mechs turn, their cannons at the ready.

The view shifts to show a battleship gray Mecha-Corvette on one knee on the hull, one arm with the blinking light of a scanner, the other with a missile launcher that’s pointed towards where the Japanese Mech was. The other Mechs open up on the Mecha-Corvette with their cannons and it slides an armor plate back over its scanner, with ‘ISOT’ spraypainted on it, to deflect them as it re-aims its other arm and launches a missile towards the camera.

EXT. – NEO-TOKYO, JAPAN – NIGHT

WEAPON M, DAVE HOWERY and MATT are still facing down the three Japanese teens.

POWER ARMOR TEEN
(superior tone)
What’s going on here, Iwata?
These geezers being disrespectful?

The teen on the motorcycle, Iwata, smirks and aims his pistol at them.

IWATA
They haven’t paid the toll for
crossing through our turf.

MATT
(after peering at them a moment)
These punks are barely older than Urkel!

IWATA
(scowling)
Who you calling a punk, pops?

Iwata revs his motorcycle and fires at MATT with the pistol, the report much louder than your regular pistol shot. MATT staggers as the shot leaves a dent in his Power Armor. WEAPON M looks over in astonishment.

WEAPON M
I want one of those!

The Bokken Teen suddenly squeezes the hilt of his katana and electricity lances out along the blade. He suddenly leaps at DAVE HOWERY, who revs and brings up his adamantium chainsaw in time to block a slash, making sparks fly.

Iwata peels the back tire of his motorcycle until it points straight at WEAPON M, then zooms straight at him. WEAPON M fires his assault rifle and Iwata does a wheelie, blocking the bullets with the motorcycle itself; WEAPON M dives out of the way as it roars past.

The Power Armor Teen leaps into the air, assisted by his rockets, and opens up on MATT with his Gatling-like cannon. MATT rushes out of the way and the bullets chew up the highway behind him; he fires at the teen with his BFG and ‘Tater Cannon and the PA Teen weaves around the shots and continues firing at him.

DAVE HOWERY, meanwhile, is backpedaling and desperately blocking the flurry of slashes the Bokken Teen is aiming at him.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn it! Shouldn’t my chainsaw
be slicing through this thing?!

Bokken Teen suddenly crouches and kicks a leg out, sweeping DAVE HOWERY’s legs out from under him.

DAVE HOWERY
(landing roughly)
Ow! My keys!

Bokken Teen points his katana at DAVE HOWERY and slowly advances upon him.

EXT. – SHIKOKU ‘FEUDAL ZONE’ – NIGHT

Shot of the four samurai as they’re charging DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK. HENDRYK is backing up and trying to pull his sword while DOCTOR WHAT is starting to turn around to run.

Then JASON steps into view.

JASON
Is all well here?
I thought I heard some yelling–

JASON’s eyes widen as he notices the charging samurai, then he drives his dane axe into a nearby tree with a THOCK, pulls his sword and charges at them, yelling incoherantly. He takes the leading samurai’s slash on his kite shield and slashes at him, but is parried by the katana. Another samurai stops to fight JASON, who is forced to take his slashes on his shield while desperately parrying the other samurai’s slashes with his sword.

The other two samurai continue on after DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK. HENDRYK manages to parry the slash of the samurai attacking him. DOCTOR WHAT manages to dodge a slash at him and takes flight, managing to keep a tree between him and the last samurai.

The First Samurai who spoke before continues to slash at JASON.

FIRST SAMURAI
You fight admirably, gaijin.
Why do you defend those lechers?
Let justice be done!

JASON
Nay! They are my comrades,
lechers though they may be.

FIRST SAMURAI
A commendable attitude,
though it will not save you!

A sudden female scream cuts through the battle, bringing it to a halt as the AH.Commers and the samurai turn to see that the Japanese woman, Keiko, is now being held in the clawed hand of a huge, vaguely humanoid creature with green skin and a snout that has a mouth full of fangs.

FIRST SAMURAI
An oni! Keiko, no!

The four samurai, the AH.Commers forgotten, rush towards the Oni and JASON, without hesitating, rushes forward with them.

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

The AH.COM is deftly flying around, trying to avoid most of the Japanese ship’s broadsides as Mechs swarm around outside the shield and the firefight between FLOCCULENCIO’s Mecha-Corvette and the Mechs on the hull is visible from a distance. Particle beams and missiles are firing into the Mechs, occasionally destroying one of them.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room is showing obvious signs of the fight with various loose objects thrown around. DIAMOND is at the weapons console, holding two joysticks and firing at the Mechs via a screen that looks very much like a video game.

DIAMOND
Interrupt my handbill printing, will you!

LEO CAESIUS
Our shields are continuing to weaken,
and they won’t hold out for too much longer.
Energy reserves are draining rapidly as well.

GBW
Damn it! We need to get through that field!
(contemplatively)
Hmm… maybe if we try something like what
those Japanese Mechs used on us. Is it
possible for us to just punch through that
force field, teleport the landing party up,
and get the hell out of here?

LEO CAESIUS
That… could work.
We’d have to concentrate all our fire on
one relatively small portion of the field to
get it to open, then force our way through
with our forward shields at maximum speed.
If we’re quick enough teleporting them up,
we may be able to go back out the hole
we’d create going in.

GBW
Alright. Forward shields to maximum.
DIAMOND, get ready to fire all weapons.
G.BONE, get the teleporters warmed up.
FLOCCULENCIO, hold on to something out there.
It’s going to be a bumpy ride.

DIAMOND
Hey! I do the one-liners around here!

GBW
You do?

DIAMOND
Well… I like to, anyway…

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – NIGHT

The AH.COM swerves back towards Earth and begins picking up speed. The Japanese spaceship attempts to turn with it, but isn’t moving fast enough. As the AH.COM nears the atmosphere, the Mechs outside the shield break away their pursuit. Abruptly, the ship opens up with all its weapons and missiles, making the force field visible. A hole just starts to form when the AH.COM’s forward shields impact it and, after a momentary slowing when the engines sound as if they’re straining, the ship manages to punch through and heads towards Japan, the shields glowing from the ‘reentry’.

EXT. – NEO-TOKYO, JAPAN – NIGHT

MATT tucks and rolls out of the way of a strafing run by the PA Teen, ending up back on his feet and firing after him. PA Teen swoops back around and hovers in midair, firing at MATT, who tries to dodge again. He gets hit in the shoulder, though, causing a trickle of smoke to rise, and the impact makes him accidentally fire off his ‘Tater Cannon. By sheer luck, the potato hits one of the rockets carrying him aloft and plugs it. PA Teen starts to scrabble for it a moment before the rocket explodes and sends him careening off into the distance.

WEAPON M is firing after Iwata with his assault rifle, partially leaning forward and sidestepping to avoid his shots back with his pistol. Suddenly, Iwata wheelies again as the motorcycle roars back towards WEAPON M, then lets it land on both wheels as he continues. WEAPON M tries to dodge, but Iwata stays with him; WEAPON M is about to try and throw himself out of the way when MATT suddenly lunges forward and grabs the front of the motorcyle with a Power Armored hand. The motorcycle stops suddenly and Iwata gets thrown and skids along the highway a bit on his leatherclad back.

Meanwhile, Bokken Teen has just swept DAVE HOWERY’s legs out from under him and is advancing on him with his katana. There’s a sudden BOOM and the katana gets knocked out of his hand; Bokken Teen looks over, startled, at WEAPON M, who’s holding his shotgun.

WEAPON M
(holding his shotgun up)
Alright, you post-modern screwhead, listen up.
See this? This… is my boomstick!
It’s a 12-gauge Mossberg Model 500,
one of WEAPON M’s babies.
(pumps it)
Now get the hell out of here!

Bokken Teen flees off to the side of the road and disapears into the vegetation. MATT glances over at WEAPON M, who’s leaning his shotgun on his shoulder with a smile.

MATT
You’ve been waiting to say that, haven’t you?

WEAPON M
I take the opportunities as they appear.
(reminiscent leer)
Ah, threesomes…

DAVE HOWERY
(getting up)
Don’t start that again!

DAVE HOWERY starts dusting himself off and MATT is checking the status of his Power Armor as WEAPON M glances down, then bends and picks up Iwata’s pistol where he dropped it. He starts to look it over just as they teleport out.

EXT. – SHIKOKU ‘FEUDAL ZONE’ – NIGHT

The Oni backhands one of the samurai with a sweep of its arm, sending him flying into a tree. The remaining three samurai and JASON rush forward and cut at the Oni, who roars in pain and sweeps its arm again. JASON, the First Samurai and another samurai manage to duck, but the other one also gets knocked flying.

DOCTOR WHAT comes out from behind his tree and looks at the battle, then exchanges a glance with HENDRYK. DOCTOR WHAT looks over at the dane axe, back at the Oni, then sighs and shrugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damsel in distress.
Why not?

DOCTOR WHAT braces a leg against the tree and pulls the dane axe out, then nods to HENDRYK who still has his sword. They both rush forward into the battle. HENDRYK is holding his own, but DOCTOR WHAT is taking heavy, unbalanced swings with the dane axe that come closer to hitting the others more than the Oni.

FIRST SAMURAI
The oni is too strong!

The Oni has taken several slashes, but most are superficial due to its tough hide. JASON eyes the situation, then suddenly backs off and sheathes his sword. He grabs his longbow and pulls an arrow from a quiver, then draws it into the longbow, aims, and fires it into the Oni’s eye. DOCTOR WHAT manages to land a blow with his dane axe at the same time. The Oni roars and grabs at its eye with its hands, dropping Keiko in the process. JASON hurries forward and catches her as the Oni abruptly stops roaring, sways a bit, then collapses backward, snapping a couple trees in the process.

JASON sets Keiko on her feet as the two samurai hurry over and congratulate him. Meanwhile, DOCTOR WHAT hears a beep and pulls his communicator.

GBW
(over communicator)
Doc, you need to move everyone
into a clearing so we can teleport
you up. The foliage is too thick there.

DOCTOR WHAT heads over towards JASON, where Keiko is staring at him with eyes shining and hands clasped together under her chin. First Samurai detaches the wakizashi from his belt and pulls it partially to show the mon imprinted in the base of the blade near the hilt.

FIRST SAMURAI
You saved my sister, gaijin.
Take this. Wherever this mon
flies, you will be welcomed as a brother.

JASON
I thank you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, we really need to get going now.

HENDRYK
A gem is not polished without rubbing,
nor a man made perfect without trials.

FIRST SAMURAI
Ah yes, I understand.
Farewell. Perhaps we shall meet again.

HENDRYK
(as they turn to go)
A journey of a thousand li
begins with a single step.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voice)
Enough already.

DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK and JASON start walking into a clearing towards the sun which is finally starting to rise. A wind picks up and blows some cherry blossoms from the trees to obscure camera’s view of them, during which we hear the sound of the teleporter. When the blossoms clear, they’re gone.

INT. – BATHHOUSE – DAY

The shot opens again on the doorway leading to the room with the AH.Commers. We still hear the yelling, screaming and splashing. However, suddenly we see several tentacles moving through the doorway, grabbing the edges of it.

IRONYUPPIE
(off camera)
Where do you think you’re going?!

An electric Chinese Yo-Yo comes into view and lands on one of the tentacles, shocking all of them. The tentacles then get pulled back through the doorway.

KIT (OC)
(horrified)
Do you always carry around frozen poultry?!

LANDSHARK (OC)
(confused)
Doesn’t everyone?

KIT (OC)
I think I’m going to be sick…

We hear additional thwacks, splashing and unearthly squealing before the teleporter sounds.

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – DAY

The AH.COM, which was a good distance above Japan, swoops back upwards towards the force field. The hole is still there, though its shrinking slowly. The ship lets loose with more weapons along the edges of it, then zooms through into space. A few last broadsides from the Japanese spaceship follow them as they move into deeper space.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

LEO CAESIUS
FLOCCULENCIO has made it back into the ship.
However, several Japanese Mechs are still on the hull.

GBW
No time, we’ll just have to shift with them there.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The swirling red vortex appears and the AH.COM, with the flashes of the Mechs still on the hull firing, zooms into it.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – MESS HALL – NIGHT

Numerous AH.Commers are grouped together in a clump of tables, talking. The camera pans along them, picking up different conversations.

FLOCCULENCIO
By the way, what happened to those Mechs?

GBW
Not sure, really.
They were there when we went into
the vortex and were suddenly gone
when we went out. Could be they’re
trapped between universes.

DAVE HOWERY is examining his adamantium chainsaw, scowling.

MATT
Give it up already. The chainsaw’s fine.
That sword was just… advanced or something.

DAVE HOWERY
But it’s supposed to cut through anything!
Anything!!

MATT sidles away from him and glances over at pistol WEAPON M is holding, the one who grabbed from Neo-Tokyo.

MATT
So what kind of ammo does
that thing take anyway?

WEAPON M
(frustrated)
I don’t know! There’s no clip
or loading chamber! I don’t even
know how many shots the thing has left.

WEAPON M slams the pistol onto the table in front of them, making it go off. We hear glass shattering.

TORQUMADA (OC)
Oh, God!
Bobo!
I just repaired him!
Noooo!!!

WEAPON M
Er… oops.

DOCTOR WHAT is kicking back, having a drink, while HENDRYK, who looks as if he’s had a few too many, is swaying where he sits. JASON is nearby, running a whetstone along the edge of the wakizashi.

HENDRYK
A ballad is needed!
A great battle epic, regaling listeners
with the story of how the Great Doctor What
landed the death blow upon the foul beast!

JASON
(looking up)
What? But I’m the one who–

DOCTOR WHAT
A fine idea, Archbishop!
One more great deed to
add to that book you’re writing.

HENDRYK
“The Great Doctor What,
who from death arose
did strike with dane axe
the foul beast that did
attack the desperate damsel…”

JASON just shakes his head and goes back to sharpening the wakizashi.

IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK are chatting while KIT sits a short distance away, looking pale and rocking slightly.

KIT
I never thought I’d feel sorry
for a multi-tentacled monster…
the horror… oh, the horror!

IRONYUPPIE
Jebus, that thing was grabby.

LANDSHARK
Wish I’d brought my camera.
It looks like WEAPON M and that
new fellow managed to bring back souvenirs.

IRONYUPPIE
Who said I didn’t?

INT. – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

We see a door with a heft, medieval lock on it with a name plate reading ‘Erikka IronYuppie’. Through it, we hear screaming and an unearthly squealing.

REDROVER (OC)
What the hell is that thing?!

DRACONISNOIR (OC)
Who cares! The tentacles are everywhere!
Run and keep your orifices covered! AHHHH!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

Category: Series / Tags: anime, japan, mechas, oni monster, samurai

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