AH.com: The Series

TEASER

INT. – HUB – MRP’S SHOPPE – DAY

THE PREVIOUS DAY

MRP sits upon a stack of books, in his hands flutters a small butterfly. From his other hand a small box appears. Carefully he places the butterfly in the box and closes it. We see GBW, FLOCCULENCIO, and MATT watching him curiously.

MRP taps the box with his index finger and it pops open. From the box three butterflys flutter into the air.

MATT
What the fuck was that?

MRP
Just felt like doing a little something awesome.

GBW
You know we’re here for
something more than mere tricks?

MRP
Tricks make life all the grander.

FLOCCULENCIO
I thought that was variety?

MRP
No that only adds spice.

MATT
What about hot chicks ready to shag you in
ways only the Kama Sutra could imagine.

FLOCCULENCIO
Trust me, that book doesn’t
got much on what I can imagine.

MATT
But I can’t see what you imagine.

FLOCCULENCIO
I can draw you pictures.

MATT
You’ll have to add someone
different for the male figure,
in those diagrams. I do not
want to imagine you in such positions.

FLOCCULENCIO
(beat)
Agreed.

The two men shake hands.

FLOCCULENCIO (cont.)
I’ll have you the first copy by mid winter.

MATT
I’ll look into an editor.

GBW
What about Psychomeltdown?

FLOCCULENCIO
(scoffing)
Him? He’s a lazy arse.
Unless you want the book to come out late
and badly edited, then we can use him.

GBW
(thoughtful pause)
You’re right.
Plus I hear he’ll just take credit for it.

MATT
Not my Flo Sutra Book!

FLOCCULENCIO
Don’t call me Flo.

MATT
Cenio?

FLOCCULENCIO
Flocc will do for now. Until I
can come up with something better.

MATT
Grand Master F?

FLOCCULENCIO
Sounds too 1980s,

GBW
Depends on what 1980s do you mean.

FLOCCULENCIO
This is the problem when everyone is from a different timeline.
You can never have a common reference point when you’re
discussing popular culture references.

MRP
Excuse me, guys?
Are you still looking for the way to stop Doctor What?

FLOCCULENCIO
Huh?

MATT
Wait, why were we here?

GBW
Umm… oh, now I remember…
Doctor What.
Acting weird.

FLOCCULENCIO
Right.

MATT
Shoot. Tell us what the hell is wrong with him.

MRP
I already told you.

GBW
Well, tell us how to stop him then.

MRP
Ah, well in that case.
(long pause)
there is something in your captain.
There is a growing darkness that will consume him,
if allowed to continue. A darkness that will not only
consume him, but will consume all the worlds in the
multiverse. Universe upon universe will be destroyed,
trillions upon trillions of people will die, the hopes and
the dreams of countless universes will cease to exist.

MATT
Shit…
(beat)
All this ‘cause Doc is crazy?

MRP
This is not mere insanity your captain suffers from.

FLOCCULENCIO
There’s also that BO problem.

GBW
And the dandruff.

FLOCCULENCIO
And the porno obsession.

GBW and MATT look at FLOCCULENCIO.

MATT
That’s not a problem.

GBW
It’s more a release valve.

FLOCCULENCIO
I think I’ll remain quiet for the remainder of this conversation.

GBW
Though I’ll hope you’ll pipe up for some constructive criticism.

FLOCCULENCIO
You can count on it.

MRP
I tire of these tangents you go on.

GBW
Sorry, you may continue.

MRP
I am trying to create a sense of drama, of foreboding,
but your continual interruptions and talking of
nonsense just defeats my attempts.

MATT
We like to fuck up other people’s plans.
Its what being an AH.commer is all about.

FLOCCULENCIO
And the booze.

GBW
And the exploration.

MRP
(sighs)
I suggest you all leave.

GBW
Leave?
But you have not told us the way to prevent
this dark future you speak of from happening.

MRP bows his head slightly and steeples his fingers, the light it the room dims. FLOCCULENCIO looks around, opens his mouth and shakes his head.

MRP
Evil cannot be dealt with.
Chaos can not be reasoned with.
This is what you are facing.
The embodiment of chaos, of destruction, of something
that goes beyond the simple concept of evil. A being so
powerful and so incomprehensible that you as mortals
can not even begin to grasp.

MATT
Jesus. This is what Doc has become?

MRP
(shakes head)
No.
Think of him as a means to an end.
A hammer to shape the things to come.

FLOCCULENCIO
So Doc’s a tool?

GBW
(miffed)
Constructive Criticism.

FLOCCULENCIO
Sorry.

MRP
Your friend has quipped correctly.
Your captain, this man you call Doc, Doctor What, Bruno,
is nothing more than a tool for these creatures.

GBW
This begs the question as to why him.

MRP
Why not him?

GBW
But why him?

MRP
Call it an opportunity that they could not let escape.

GBW
The timely arrival of the Devourer and Doc’s super heroic
attempt to save everyone by flying that ship into it’s maw?

MRP
Indeed.
He has been their tool since his return.
He has been working toward their goals since his return.

MATT
And what are these goals?

MRP
Chaos.
Destruction.
All those things that would be bad for the continual existence
of Humanity or any other creatures that inhabit the Mutliverse.

MATT
Then how can we stop him.

MRP
The same way you defeat any creature of evil.

FLOCCULENCIO
Shower them with love and witty remarks?

GBW
(bows head)
No.
(beat)
We kill them…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE COMING DAYLIGHT”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

GBW looks at the shocked faces of the crew of the crew.

TORQUMADA
You’re telling us that Doc has to die?

GBW
Death is the only way.

MICHAEL
The only way to save everyone is to kill Doctor What?

GBW
Death will release what is growing within him.
Death is not merely an annoying thing that occurs.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But we don’t want Doc to be dead.
We… you know, want to save him and have him continuing
to live and do all those sorts of things we had liked in him before.
Well, if possible can we subtract a few characteristics from him?

GBW
I did not say that he had to remain dead.
Just that he had to die.

TORQUMADA
(understanding)
Ah, dead, but not Dead Dead.

THANDE
Then this begs the question.
Who’s gonna do the dirty deed?

GBW
Everything is already set into motion.

Everyone pauses for a moment and then suddenly understand.

GREY WOLF
Ward.

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE – DAY

WARD and the CF.netter crew charge the gathered AH.commer crew.

The two forces smash into one another, almost immediately the two forces pair off in groups of fighting.

IRONYUPPIE
I call dibs on the guy wearing the dress.

GRIMM REAPER
This is not a dress.

LANDSHARK
I have much better in my collection, my dear.

GRIMM REAPER pulls out his scythe and advances.

LANDSHARK
Well, that’s a pretty big knife you got there, boyo.

GRIMM REAPER
The better to slice and dice you with.

Camera pans toward other fighting.

MATT and WEAPON M face off one another.

WEAPON M
After all this time.

MATT
I’m telling you the truth.
I’m not a traitor.

WEAPON M
I thought you were a friend?

MATT
Damn it, Lee. I am your friend.

WEAPON M
Then why?

MATT
It’s a long explanation.

WEAPON M
Then forget it.
You die now!

WEAPON M charges MATT.

MIDGARD strums his guitar. Nothing happens.

MIDGARD
Shit, well Betsy best we get this over as fast as possible.

DIAMOND charges MIDGARD swinging a baseball bat, MIDGARD blocks it with his guitar and kicks DIAMOND in the crotch, flooring him.

MIDGARD
(pulling out a flask)
This looks damned fun.
(drinks down flask)

WARD stands watching the unfolding chaos for a moment then spots DOCTOR WHAT standing near the large computer console.

WARD
Well, well, well…

HENDRYK launches himself at WARD, swinging a sword. WARD neatly dodges him and as the other man goes by, punches him in the back. HENDRYK cries out in pain, dropping sword and arching his back, WARD then punches him in the head.

He turns and continues toward DOCTOR WHAT.

KIT and FAEELIN slug it out, DAVE HOWERY comes along and smashes his non functioning admantium chainsaw into FAEELIN’s head, knocking him out.

The two turn to face ROMULUS AGUSTULUS who is standing pointing a gun at them. He pulls the trigger and nothing happens.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
What?
This is impossible!
This gun shoul-

KIT and DAVE HOWERY clothesline him, then begin kicking him as he continues trying to fire a weapon that obviously does not work.

SCARECROW and DMA face off.

SCARECROW
Ah, an Aussie.

DMA
I sense this is going to be an epic battle.

They stand and shake hands, DMA pulls out a large bottle of booze from his coat pocket, drains half of it down and then passes the rest to SCARECROW, who finishes it.

DMA
Well, the mood it set.

SCARECROW
And the rage is building.

DMA
Let’s dance!

The two step forward, standing only a yard apart. DMA throws a punch, SCARECROW’s head snaps back, but he continues to stand. Shaking his head, SCARECROW next punches DMA, who also staggers a bit, but still stands.

They continue to trade punches.

BULGARKOTONOS punches OTHNIEL, who staggers back, and is grabbed by MIDGARD, who also punches him, sending him reeling back toward BULGARKOTONOS. The two laugh as they punch him back and forth between them.

KIT spots WARD walking toward DOCTOR WHAT, who’s still tapping away at the computer.

KIT
Ward!

WARD glances at him.

KIT
Feel the wrath of AH.com!

KIT charges WARD, who stands there, watching him with slight interest.

WARD sidesteps KIT’s charge and brings about a full arm punch that has the other man crashing to the floor and unconscious.

WARD
(bellowing)
BRUNO!
We’ve got a lot to talk about.

DOCTOR WHAT looks toward WARD and steps away from the computer console.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Oh, indeed we do, Old Man.

INT. – INNER CITY – PRISON CELL – DAY

The sounds of distant boomings can be heard. MIKE COLLINS stands by his sole window looking out, he can’t see much but the glow of raging fires can be seen.

MIKE COLLINS
I know this sound.

RADICAL_NEUTRAL
Them crac heds ar getting’ the shit kicked outa dem.

MIKE COLLINS
Shut up, you.

RADICAL_NEUTRAL
But—

MIKE COLLINS raises a fist, RADICAL_NEUTRAL cowers beneath the bunk bed.

MIKE COLLINS
This can work in my favor.

RADICAL_NEUTRAL
How’s that?

MIKE COLLINS
As in-

BOOOM!

MIKE COLLINS is thrown against the wall of his cell.

He blinks his eyes and then widens them.

Before him is the shattered remains of the door that had prevented his leaving.

MIKE COLLINS
(grinning)
Well, this is nice.

RADICAL_NEUTRAL
(gasping)
Help me.
I can’t… can’t feel my legs..

MIKE COLLINS looks down at the other man, a look distaste.

MIKE COLLINS
I say find some fucking crack head to help you.

MIKE COLLINS walks out the door, singing to himself.

MIKE COLLINS
He’s a righteous man.

FADE

INT – AH.COM SHIP TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

GBW is talking to TORQUMADA, the rest of the crew is gathered about, carrying makeshift weapons.

FLOCCULENCIO
Damn, I wish Lee would have had left the armoury open.

MICHAEL
After the stealing of his calendars…

FLOCCULENCIO
I meant to give them back.. but…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
They were destroyed, huh?

FLOCCULENCIO
(hangs head)
Yes.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The same thing happened to all the Alyson Hannigan pics I had…

MICHAEL
Can we please change the subject?
I’m trying to nurse my flaggin courage here.

FLOCCULENCIO
How about ducks?
You like ducks?

MICHAEL
Fuck you.

Pan to GBW and TORQUMADA.

GBW
But we’ll need you, if Doc dies dies, then we’re in it deep.

TORQUMADA
Sorry, but I cannot just leave Luakel. He’s still in critical.

GREY WOLF
What about you teleport in when we need you?

TORQUMADA glances at G.BONE who stares at his computer console.

TORQUMADA
Depends all on that kid over there.

GREY WOLF
Hey, G.Bone you gonna be able
to teleport Torq in when we need him?

G.BONE
What? I’m not coming?

GREY WOLF
We need someone to man the Teleporters.

G.BONE
But this is like the biggest fight of the whole damn decade.

GREY WOLF
We need someone to be ready to teleport us out.

G.BONE
(sighs)
I guess so.

GREY WOLF
So will you be able?

G.BONE
Looks like I don’t have much of a choice, eh?

GREY WOLF
Doesn’t look like it.

GBW
Okay, Torq will Teleport in when we need him.
Hopefully it’ll be over and one with quickly.

GREY WOLF
I don’t much want to think of Doc dying as something
as simple as getting it over and done with.

GBW
Sorry.

GREY WOLF
No, don’t be.
It’s just… He still needs to die and I’m .. It’s gonna be
hard to just sit there and wait for it to happen

THANDE
You know it might already be too late.

The three men glare at THANDE.

THANDE
I’m just saying, the possibility does exist that Ward and his crew
may have already kill him. Along with the others that went with him.

There is a long silence.

GREY WOLF
G.Bone get the teleporter ready, you that are coming,
get ready to kick some CF.netter arse!

FLOCCULENCIO
By god, this time I’ll kick ass and
not even bother to take names!

G.BONE gives the thumbs up sign and the crew steps onto the teleportation tube pad.

GREY WOLF
Beam us away, Scotty.

G.BONE
Aye aye, sir.

G.BONE hits a button and they vanish in a loud pop.

G.BONE
I hope they come out alright.

TORQUMADA
Well, if they don’t, then that’ll probably
mean you’ll be captain of this boat.

G.BONE
Now.. I don’t know what to think!

TORQUMADA shakes his head and walks off.

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE – DAY

DAVE HOWERY and MIDGARD strains and struggle, the admantium chainsaw is locked against the guitar. They both snarl at one another.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ve fought better men than you!

MIDGARD
I’ve fought worse men than you.

BULGARKOTONOS suddenly walks up and swings a bat into DAVE HOWERY, knocking him out.

BULGARKOTONOS
I’ve kicked everyone’s ass!
(laughs)

Pan to: IRONYUPPIE and GRIMM REAPER. LANDSHARK is down and out for the count, he’s lying in an unconscious pool, while the other two fight it out. IRONYUPPIE has her Yo-yo of Death swinging above her head and circles GRIMM REAPER who’s ready to attack.

IRONYUPPIE
Don’t you think this is fun?

GRIMM REAPER
Very fun.

IRONYUPPIE snaps out her yo-yo and it hooks about the shaft of the scythe, with a yank she tears it out of GRIMM REAPER’s grasp.

GRIMM REAPER
Now… Not much fun.

IRONYUPPIE
(grins)
This is what I call turning the tables.
(starts swinging scythe)

DOCTOR WHAT is swinging crazily, like a wild man. WARD gets his in the face, the chest, and the ribs in quick succession, he staggers back from the sudden assault. DOCTOR WHAT pushes his advantage, continuing to swing and continuing to connect with flesh.

Roaring, WARD crashes into DOCTOR WHAT pushing the other man up against a railing and begins working the midsection with his fists. DOCTOR WHAT brings his elbow down upon WARD’s exposed back, repeatedly. WARD continues punching.

DOCTOR WHAT brings up his knee, smashing WARD in the face and causing him to stagger back, blood pouring from a busted nose. DOCTOR WHAT charges again, swinging.

This time WARD is patient, he dodges the first swings, blocks the other, and when the opening is right gives a massive right handed uppercut, causing DOCTOR WHAT to flop on his back, gasping and groaning.

WARD walks over to him and grabs him by the hair.

WARD
Well, this has been more fun than I realized, boy.

INT. – HUB – MRP’S SHOPPE – DAY

THE PREVIOUS DAY

FLOCCULENCIO, MATT, MRP, and GBW are sitting upon various stacks of books.

GBW
The only way to save everyone is to kill Doctor What?

MRP
You say that as if death is a bad thing

GBW
Normally it does make a situation more bleak.

MRP grins.

MRP
There is something that you will need.

GBW
What is it?

MRP tosses GBW a ring.

GBW
What is this?

MATT
Does it hold magical power?

MRP
Magic is merely science that you
cannot begin to comprehend.

FLOCCULENCIO
I once saw this guy on the street…

MRP
(cutting him off)
Call it a device that shall remove this evil from him.

MATT
(nodding)
Like a anti ASB laxative.

MRP
Your vulgar analogy is correct.
But this only works in conjunction
with the demise of Doctor What.

GBW
(twisting ring in his hand)
Will I see a great flaming cat eye glaring at me if I put It on?

MRP
I miss your reference.

FLOCCULENCIO
Its one of those ATL things.

MRP
I deal with knowledge, not trivial
things such as popular culture.

MATT
Dude, you and me.
We’ll never be able to hang out together.

MRP
(crestfallen)
I had hoped we could share a pint or two in the Pub.

MATT
Well.. if you’re buying…

FLOCCULENCIO
I think he just hit on you.

MATT
(to Flocc)
I said “If he’s buying…”

FLOCCULENCIO
(understanding)
Ah.. can I join you two?

GBW
So this laxative ring.
Once Doc dies, it should be applied?

MRP
While he dies.

GBW
Now the question is:
Who will kill Doctor What?

GBW looks to MATT and FLOCCULENCIO.

MATT
I swore off killing superior officers when I joined the crew.

FLOCCULENCIO
I would… but a quarter of a decade of Singaporean propaganda
has made it impossible for me to even think of killing superior officers
without going into convulsions.
(goes into convulsions)

MATT
Dude, that’s so cool.

GBW
I think I know a person who would gladly kill Doctor What…

MRP
The consequences of that choice will be far reaching.

GBW
Don’t they all though?

MRP
The joy of making the hard decisions.

MATT
I don’t get this.
What’s going on?

GBW looks grimly at the camera.

Slow fade out:

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE – DAY

WARD smashes DOCTOR WHAT’s face against the metal catwalk, blood splatters against the metal railing. We see the ring GBW had given WARD twinkle in the light of the Core.

WARD
(breathing heavily)
Come on, Boy.
This all you got?

DOCTOR WHAT
I would make a witty quip, but-

WARD smashes his fist into the DOCTOR WHAT’s face.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ow…
I think that loosened up a tooth.

WARD
I’ll loosen up more than that, Boy!

WARD grabs DOCTOR WHAT by the hair and drags him to his feet. Barely standing DOCTOR WHAT is pushed up against the railing and WARD begins to pummel him.

HENDRYK
Lay your hands off Bruno!

WARD turns to see HENDRYK charging him, sword in hand. WARD pulls DOCTOR WHAT around and HENDRYK unable to stop his forward motion, stabs DOCTOR WHAT in the side.

HENDRYK
(horrified)
Doc!

WARD drops DOCTOR WHAT and kicks HENDRYK in the knee, there is a loud crack and HENDRYK begins screaming in pain, collapsing to the floor. WARD then smashes his fist into HENDRYK, knocking him out.

WARD
All these pesky annoyances.
Let’s just get this over with.

WARD kneels down beside DOCTOR WHAT and wraps his hands around his throat. He begins squeezing. Weakly DOCTOR WHAT tries to fend him off, but he barely flails under WARD’s grip.

Pan to:

IRON YUPPIE smashes GRIMM REAPER in the chest with the butt of his staff, knocking him flat. GRIMM REAPER weakly coughs from the nit, trying to move, but seemingly unable.

IRONYUPPIE
You all talk a big talk.
(raises scythe)
But you all can’t walk the big walk.

GRIMM REAPER’s eyes widen slightly.

IRONYUPPIE (cont.)
But where you’re going it doesn’t matter.
A big ugly guy will be poking you with a poker for eternity.

GRIMM REAPER
(weakly)
Ward…
Help…

WARD looks toward GRIMM REAPER and sees IRONYUPPIE with the scythe. He stands up, letting go of DOCTOR WHAT and unsheathes HENDRYK’s sword from DOCTOR WHAT’s side.

WARD
Normally, I don’t enjoy hitting women.
(hefts sword)
or stabbing them.
But that guy you’re trying to kill is my crew.
(beat)
Only I get to kill them.

IRONYUPPIE turns to face WARD, face set in determination.

IRONYUPPIE
Bring it, geezer.

WARD advances.

INT. – CORE – DAY

There is a pop and the AH.commer crew appears.

MICHAEL
Oh, boy, it looks like quiet the fight.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Look, an injured CF.netter.

MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN charge ROMULUS AGUSTULUS who is flopping weakly upon the floor. They begin hitting him with their lengths of pipe.

GBW
We need to find Doc.

GREY WOLF
There he is.

Pan to DOCTOR WHAT, a pool of blood if forming around him, but he is still trying to get to his knees.

GBW
He’s not dead yet.

GREY WOLF
Damn.
(beat)
God, it sounds weird saying that.

GBW
I know.
(beat)
He needs to die.

GREY WOLF
God, it sounds weird saying that.

GBW
Yeah…

THANDE
KIT!

Pan camera and we see KIT and BULGARKOTONOS fighting it out.

BULGARKOTONOS had KIT in a headlock and is punching his face.

KIT
Not in the face!
Not in the face!
It’s my money maker!

THANDE collides into BULGARKOTONOS knocking the other man to the ground along with himself. KIT staggers a bit, sees BULGARKOTONOS on the ground and with a snarl jumps atop of him.

KIT
I said not in the face!
(begins swinging)

FLOCCULENCIO give a groaning DIAMOND a hand in getting up.

FLOCCULENCIO
Looks like quiet the fight.

DIAMOND
You should see the other guy…
Aren’t you the bad guy?

FLOCCULENCIO
Not anymore.

DIAMOND
Cool.
Now, let’s kick some CF.netter ass.

LANDSHARK (groaning)
Blood Yank, help Yuppie.
And you’d better not get knocked out in the first seconds too…

DIAMOND and FLUCCULENCIO see WARD and IRONYUPPIE fighting. WARD if getting the upper hand and IRONYUPPIE is being pushed back.

FLOCCULENCIO
First time for everything, eh?

DIAMOND
Yeah.

The two head toward WARD, but before they make a few steps, MIDGARD steps in their way.

MIDGARD
(grinning)
Going anywhere, boys?

DIAMOND
Yeah, to your funera-

MIDGARD swings his guitar into DIAMOND, throwing the other man back and destroying the instrument.

FLOCCULENCIO hefts a sword.

MIDGARD
(eyeing sword)
Looks like Merry’s sword.

FLOCCULENCIO
It is.

MIDGARD
Well, no one really expected you to turn coat.

FLOCCULENCIO
Well, I’m very predictable, no?

MIDGARD
I like that sword. I think I’ll kill you with it.

FLOCCULENCIO
Not if I do it first.

MIDGARD
Kill yourself with it?

FLOCCULENCIO
Shut up and let’s fight!

They fight.

GBW
The Denial of Service Device!

GREY WOLF
We shut it off, then Ian has to come back.

The two rush toward the device, dodging the combating AH.commers and CF.netters.

DOCTOR WHAT staggers to his feet and sees the two crouching over the device.

DOCTOR WHAT
NOOO!!

DOCTOR WHAT charges and tears GBW away from the device. He flings GBW against a railing.

GREY WOLF
It needs to be shut off!

DOCTOR WHAT
Traitor!

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF grapple.

GBW shakes his head and gets to his knees.

He sees WARD advancing upon the two AH.commers, HENDRYK’s sword in his hand. GBW sees IRONYUPPIE lying unconscious upon the floor. WARD raises the sword.

GBW
NOOOO!!!

GBW charges WARD, who turns and with a smooth motion, impales GBW upon the weapon.

GREY WOLF
GBW!

DOCTOR WHAT turns, releasing GREY WOLF and grapples with WARD, who kicks him in the crotch. GREY WOLF tries to punch him, but WARD moves faster and knocks him out with a quick and brutal right hand punch.

WARD grabs DOCTOR WHAT by the neck again and grins.

WARD
It’ll be over in a bit, boy.
(tightens grip)

LANDSHARK
This’ll teach you to lay a hand upon a woman, arsehat!

WARD turns to see LANDSHARK advancing upon GRIMM REAPER, scythe in hand.

With a snarl, WARD lets go of DOCTOR WHAT again and confronts LANDSHARK. With a quick movement, LANDSHARK is on the ground and the scythe is in WARD’s hand.

GBW watches DOCTOR WHAT. He lies there gasping for breath, but it does not seem to come, the breaths come quicker and sharper, until finally there is no inhalation. The crazy mad man eyes of DOCTOR WHAT fades and it is replaced by the normal DOCTOR WHAT eyes.

GBW reaches for his comm unit.

GBW
Torq…
Now…

DARKNESS.

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE – DAY

WARD surveys the battlefield. Crew from both ships are down and on the ground, grappling or groaning from injuries and bleeding from hurts. DOCTOR WHAT is surrounded by TORQUMADA, GREY WOLF, and FLOCCULENCIO, who is clutching his right arm.

He can tell the battle is lost.

With a slice of GRIMM’s scythe, WARD destroys the Denial of Service Device.

WARD
(into comm)
Fortyseven.
Emergency transport.
Everyone.

With a pop he and the CF.netter crew are gone

IAN suddenly appears, looks around.

IAN
This is going to have to be explained.
But now, I have a city to save.

He vanishes again.

INT. – HUB – CHINGO360/ALT-LUAKEL’S FLAT – DAY

The two are looking out a window that faces a wide open space, leveled building and fire rage in the view before them. They aren’t looking at the devestation of the city, but instead are looking at the huge black bat shaped ships in the sky.

Suddenly there is a flash of light and one of the Bat ships explodes into a ball of fire.

ALT-LUAKEL
Holy crap, what was that?

CHINGO360
It’s Ian!

They begin cheering.

The sky, dominated by black bat ships suddenly are filled with silver ships, the streets are filled with robots and Ian constructs.

The Hub ships and the ASB ships slug it out, steams of light and other things fly from them. Hub ships are destroyed, but so are ASB ships.

Soon the ASB ships are whittled down, five, three, one, none.

Silence fills the air.

CHINGO360
I think we won.

ALT-LUAKEL
(looking at devastation)
Huzzah…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

IAN stands at the head of the table, tossing the Service of Denial multifaceted gem from hand to hand.

IAN
I’m not laying any blame here.
I can understand what has occurred.
These being are pretty tricky.

DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, FLOCCULENCIO, G.BONE, THANDE, TORQUMADA, and KIT sit in the Battle Room listening.

IAN (cont.)
Though this.
(hefts gem)
This I thought were long gone.
Not only do they cause a denial of service, they’re
Able to prevent me from entering the Hub. A relic
from another war fought for this place.
(shakes head)
Needless to say, I’ll be taking hold of this.

DOCTOR WHAT stands up, looking worse for wear.

DOCTOR WHAT
I would like to express my deepest apologies, Ian.
I was… not myself.
(hangs head)

IAN
No need to apologize.
Like I said, I’m not laying blame here.
The ASB, they’re a strange folk.
They took you when you tried to make a heroic death against the Devourer
and they messed with your mind. If it wasn’t for the fast action of GBW,
Matt, Flocculencio, and the CF.netters, then I’d probably not have a place
to barkeep. This is not your fault. This was an act of war by a group who
were merely using you as a tool to do something they could not do themselves.
Kick me out of the Hub, take control of the Core and open the doors for them
to stroll in. The blame lies at their feet, not at yours.

DOCTOR WHAT simply sits down again, unable to say anything.

GREY WOLF
What happens now?

IAN
The ASBs have violated the truce.

FLOCCULENCIO
That means?

IAN
Violate a truce between what can be called two nations.
That does that get you?

FLOCCULENCIO
War?

IAN
War. The eternal struggle to make sure the ASBs don’t kill
off everything in their odd sense of logic.

DOCTOR WHAT
What about the Hollow Earth?

IAN
It was a construct.

DOCTOR WHAT
But the people there…

IAN
They were real. They lived the lives they lived were real.
But all of it was created by the ASBs.
Created by them and destroyed by them.
To set you on the path you are on.

DOCTOR WHAT simply sits quietly, head bowed.

IAN
I am sorry about your friends.
(long silence)
Well, I have to run. Things need fixing
and damages need calculating and backs needing rights putting.

IAN vanishes.

G.BONE
You hear that? The CF.netters are bloody heroes.

FLOCCULENCIO
They did stop us from destroying the Hub…

GREY WOLF
Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT stands up and walks out of the Battle Room.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY –DAY

MATT enters a room and WEAPON M is sitting up in a bed.

MATT
How you doing, Lee?

WEAPON M
Could be better.
(lifts cast)

MATT
I tried taking it easy on you.

WEAPON M
I tried killing you.

MATT
I can’t blame you.

WEAPON M
(hangs head)
Shit.

MATT
It’s not your fault.
The fucking ASBs.

WEAPON M
(looking up)
No. It is my fault. I chose to follow him.
I chose not to ask questions.
I chose not to think why we were doing this.
(beat)
Just the fucking hired muscle. Go here and
shoot this, no questions asked.
(punches bed)
I’ve been down this fucking road before, Matt.
I don’t want to go down it again.

MATT
What are you going to do?

WEAPON M
I’m leaving.

MATT
(long pause)
Then I’ll tag along.
Can’t let you go off by yourself, might get yourself killed.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – TORQUMADA’S OFFICE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT enters the MED BAY, TORQUMADA looks up from a chart he is reading.

TORQUMADA
Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
How.. how am I?

TORQUMADA
Beyond the bruises, the deep cut in your side, the concussion,
the bruised throat, and all the other things?

DOCTOR WHAT
The other thing…

TORQUMADA
I’ve run scans and I’ve found nothing.
But then again this is ASB stuff, far beyond
anything we can ever imagine.

DOCTOR WHAT
It could still be there?

TORQUMADA
I. I don’t know.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
I need to be certain.
I need to know.

TORQUMADA
I can’t five you that answer.
I can say I can’t find anything now.

DOCTOR WHAT
Please. Tell me I’m alright.

TORQUMADA
GBW said that the control the ASBs had over you would
end when you died for that brief moment. I’m not positive
on it, but I think he may be right.
You were cured from their control.

DOCTOR WHAT leaves the Med Bay.

TORQUMADA
Doc?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

KIERA KNIGHTLY bursts into the Med Bay. She spots DAVE HOWERY.

KIERA KNIGHTLY
Dave!
You’re alive!

GBW, PSYCHOMETLDOWN, OTHNIEL, HENDRYK, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, and KIT watch the spectacle.

IRONYUPPIE
Damn, Dave.
(sighs)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, GBW how are you doing?

GBW
Things could be better.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
Heard you kicked some ass.

GBW
I got stabbed.

PSYCHOYMELTDOWN
I got knocked out by Michael.

GBW
Really?
Well, guess I had a better experience, no?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah…
At least you’re a hero, right?

GBW
Yeah, I feel very heroic…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

ATTA appears upon a viewscreen.

ATTA
I demand entrance!

G.BONE
Fuck off.

ATTA
I demand –

G.BONE turns off the comm.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DIAMOND’S QUARTERS

DIAMOND is packing a duffle bag. FLOCCULENCIO peeks into his quarters.

FLOCCULENCIO
You heading out?

DIAMOND
Yeah. I need… a vacation from this place.

FLOCCULENCIO
I hear you.
Where you headed?

DIAMOND

I don’t know.
Somewhere the good Reformist
Sheepist word will be welcomed.

FLOCCULENCIO
This place got any good porn?

DIAMOND
You know it.

FLOCCULENCIO
Mind if I tag along?

DIAMOND
More the merrier.

FLOCCULENCIO
Said that once to this bird I was trying to shag.
She brought another guy.

DIAMOND
Ouch. That reminds me of this one time…

Pull back and fade out.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

Pan through the CF.net Med Bay.

We see DOMINUSNOVUS weeping in a bed, MERRYPRANKSTER hooked up to beeping machines, and finally GRIMM REAPER unconscious in a bed. Beside the bed sits WARD reading a book, a heavy bandage about his broken nose.

GRIMM REAPER groans and slowly wakes up. He sees WARD.

GRIMM REAPER
Sir?

WARD
‘morning.

GRIMM REAPER
What? Where am I?

WARD
Med bay.

GRIMM REAPER looks around, and sees the two crewmembers.

WARD
Dominus ain’t pretty no more.

GRIMM REAPER
Merry?

WARD
Pulled a couple of slugs outta him.
Kid was nearly dead.

GRIMM REAPER
What happened?

WARD
Got our asses kicked.

GRIMM REAPER
Was it.. was it because of me?

WARD
No.

GRIMM REAPER
I’m sorry, sir.
You had him…
And I messed it up.

WARD
There are some things
that are more important
than revenge.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S READY ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in the dark, GREY WOLF enters the room.

GREY WOLF
Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
I want to be alone, Grey.

GREY WOLF
No you don’t.

There is a long silence.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t know what to do now.

GREY WOLF
You’re their captain.

DOCTOR WHAT
No. not now.
Not anymore.
How can they trust me now?

GREY WOLF
They still trust you.

DOCTOR WHAT
How can I trust myself?
How can I be sure that this control thing is gone?
How can I be sure they won’t just reactivate it again?

GREY WOLF
I don’t know
But you can’t hide from everyone.
You can’t fear the thought that they might control you again.
You let that control you, then you’ll become nothing more than a shadow.

DOCTOR WHAT
How can I face them?

GREY WOLF
They still are loyal to you.
They still will stand by you.

DOCTOR WHAT
After all I’ve done?

GREY WOLF
They know this wasn’t you.
They know the ASBs did this.

DOCTOR WHAT
You don’t understand, Grey. I knew what I was doing. It wasn’t
as if my mind was suddenly supplanted with the ASB’s. I knew
what I was doing. I knew it and I didn’t care. I wanted to destroy
the Hub, I wanted to let the ASBs kill everyone.
(hangs head)

GREY WOLF
I.. I see.

DOCTOR WHAT
I can’t stay.
I can’t face them.

GREY WOLF
What are you going to do?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m leaving.

GREY WOLF
(without hesitation)
Then I’m coming too.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT – THE HUB – DAYISH

A FIGURE staggers through rubble tossed about.

Pull in on the figure. We see it’s STRAHA.

He looks around.

Another FIGURE approaches.

VOICE
I know you.

FIGURE steps forward to reveal MIKE COLLINS.

MIKE COLLINS
You’re the obnoxious one from the Ah.com ship.

STRAHA used to be.

MIKE COLLINS
Used to be?

STRAHA
I left.

MIKE COLLINS
Find the error of your ways?

STRAHA
Just didn’t wanna die.

MIKE COLLINS
How lame.

STRAHA
So.. what are you doing?

MIKE COLLINS
Trying to find out how to get out of this fucking place.

STRAHA
Yeah me too…

MIKE COLLINS
Hope that goes well.
(walks off)

STRAHA
Hey, can I go with you?

MIKE COLLINS
No.

STRAHA scurries after him.

STRAHA
Hey, where you going?
Can I come?

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

VOICE (over black)
(soft and raspy)
He’ll destroy us all…

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

Stars. Shot opens up in a dark expanse covered with glittering stars. Hold for a moment and then begin panning slowly. We see the brilliant blue ball of Earth, shining with life.

Something black and menacing begins to block it out.

WOOSH!

A flash of pure blinding light fills the screen.

It fades away.

Earth still fills up most of the screen. Hold.

VOICE
(soft and raspy)
save us…

BOOOOOOMMMM!!!!

Earth explodes.

Image of IAN flashes across the screen, followed by a mad cackle.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT gasps in shock and horror, stumbling off his bed and breathing heavily upon his hands and knees.

VOICE
(soft and raspy)
Save us…

DOCTOR WHAT jerks around, head whipping from side to side, looking for who spoke.

DOCTOR WHAT
Who’s there?

VOICE
(soft and raspy)
He’ll destroy us all…

DOCTOR WHAT fumbles for something, a moment later light floods his quarters.

ATTA
Curses! Turn the light off!

We see ATTA occupying the other half oF DOCTOR WHAT’s bed. She’s glaring at him.

ATTA
Turn the light off1

DOCTOR WHAT immediately complies. Darkness falls.

ATTA
What is the meaning of this?

DOCTOR WHAT continues sitting upon the floor, looking both dazed and exhausted.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t know.

ATTA
Well, next time try to keep silent
in your midnight freak outs.
I am trying to sleep.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, snookums.

ATTA scoffs and tries to move into a comfortable position.

Pan to DOCTOR WHAT who continues to sit upon the floor with a distant look on his face.

Slowly pull in.

A echo-y, distant laughter resounds.

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CELL – DAY

Darkness.

We hear a creaking sound, the sound of a metal hatch being opened on rusty hinges.

Light suddenly is everywhere.

Pull out slight, we see a figure lying upon the deck, he’s got his hand raised before his eyes, blocking out the sudden light. It’s GBW.

VOICE
Get up, ya bastard.

GBW gets up, stretching a bit.

GBW
What time is it?

Pan shifts to other figure.

We see it’s BULGARKOTONOS.

BULGARKOTONOS
Shut up.
You’ll only talk
when spoken to.

GBW
Alright.

BULGARKOTONOS
I said shut up!

GBW
But you said I would only be allowed to talk when spoken to.
You spoke to me, therefore by your previously stated comment,
I have the ability to –
(Bulgarkotonos punches GBW in the stomach)
Ow…

MATT
You know not to use logic, GBW.

GBW
I kinda forget sometimes…
(clutching stomach)
Ow, this really hurts.

Pan to MATT and FLOCCULENCIO who are also sporting a few new bruises. The two AH.commers are manacled to the bulkhead, hands over head.

FLOCCULENCIO
The joys of being the personal punching bag
of a slightly sadistic psychopath.

BULGARKOTONOS
I am not slightly psychotic!
I will shoot off your big toe and
force feed it to you, AH.com scum!

MATT
You know he said the same thing to me, but
he said My “little piggy would be chopped”.

GBW
Maybe he has a foot fetish.

BULGARKOTONOS punches GBW in the stomach.

BULGARKOTONOS
I said not to talk unless spoken to!

GBW
Ow…. But they got to speak when not spoken to…

BULGARKOTONOS punches GBW in the stomach.

GBW
(groaning)
This is very illogical.

BULGARKOTONOS
Fuck your logic.
Fuck it in the ass, AH.commer Scum!
I don’t give a flying rat’s arse about your logic.
I’m a big bad CF.netter, I carry a big ass gun and
I kill stuff with it, for fun and out of boredom.
Do you think that’s logical? Huh?
(shoves GBW)
Answer me, Logic Boy.

GBW
Actually it is logi-

BULGARKOTONOS punches GBW in the stomach.

MATT
I think this Bulgarkotonos fellow doesn’t like GBW.

FLOCCULENCIO
What gave it away?

GBW
Ow…

BULGARKOTONOS
What other smart ass remarks
do you have now, huh?

GBW
I think I’ll refrain
from answering.

MATT
There you go.

FLOCCULENCIO
See, told you he was the smart one.

BULGARKOTONOS
Come on, I was just getting to
like this whole logic thing.
Tell me more about it.

GBW remains silent.

BULGARKOTONOS pulls out a blaster from a holster.

BULGARKOTONOS
Tell me more or someone’s gonna
be losing a chunk of their crotch.

GBW
Uh.. what do you wan-

BULGARKOTONOS hits GBW with the butt of his blaster.

BULGARKOTONOS
(grinning)
I like this logic thing.
It’s fun.

GBW
(groaning)
I think you misunderstand
what logic is…

BULGARKOTONOS prepares to hit GBW with his blaster again.

WARD
That’s enough, Bulgar.

BULGARKOTONOS is breathing heavily, his eyes are a bit crazy, shifting from WARD to GBW, his grip on the blaster tightening. .

BULGARKOTONOS
But, sir…

WARD
I said, enough.

BULGARKOTONOS
But..

GRIMM REAPER suddenly steps forward and in a lightening quick move snatches the blaster from BULGARKOTONOS’ hand and shoves the man against the bulkhead.

GRIMM REAPER
You heard the Captain.

With a look of slight distaste, GRIMM REAPER tosses the blaster onto the deck.

WARD
Get out of here, Bulgar.

BULGARKOTNOS scampers out of the cell.

GRIMM REAPER pulls out a wooden chair, WARD sits down upon it, a thermos of coffee in hand.

He slowly sips from his thermos.

WARD
So, you want to join the CF.net.

MATT
We wouldn’t be here otherwise.

GRIMM REAPER
Seems a bit odd.

WARD
Way Grimm figures it, is that you’re
here to steal information from us.

FLOCCULENCIO
We just want to join your crew.

GRIMM REAPER
Explore the multiverse.
Kill exotic things?

MATT
Err.. yeah.

GRIMM REAPER
Commit genocide, mass murder, unleash horrors upon horrors
on unsuspecting worlds. Raid, kill, slaughter for the simple
reason that the other guy has something you want?

FLOCCULENCIO
(gulping)
Yeah.

WARD
Bullshit.

GBW
We would not have come here otherwise.

WARD
You’re the smart one, huh?

GBW
I do not like to brag…

WARD
The way I see it is that you
and the robot fellow –

GBW
Leo.

WARD (cont.)
The robot fellow, Leo, are
the only two smart ones of the ship.

MATT
Torq’s pretty intelligent.

FLOCCULENCIO
Not to mention Thande.

MATT
(dismissive)
Thande’s not as smart as Torq.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wanna bet?
Who discovered how to
protect against radia-

THUNK!

We see Grimm’s scythe embedded in the bulkhead, between FLOCCULENCIO and MATT. They both stare at it and gulp.

WARD
(to Grimm)
You know it’s hard to replace
bulkheads, after you do that sort of thing.

GRIMM REAPER
Sorry, sir
I was going for the overly dramatic.

WARD
Where was I?

GBW
Leo and I. The smart ones.

WARD
Ah, yes.
(takes a sip from thermos)
The way I see it, is that you and the robot fellow, Leo, are the only
smarts ones on that ship. But seeing as how Leo’s not the one jumping
ship, that leaves you being the smart one currently.
(takes another sip)
So, Smart boy, you have a decision to make.

GBW
What’s that?

WARD
As you can guess I don’t truly believe that you are
going to abandon your ship and your captain so easily.

GBW
I can see how you would come to that conclusion.

WARD
Since I trust ya as far as I can crotch kick you.
You’ll need to prove you’re on the level.

GBW
(slowly)
That means?

GRIMM REAPER
(grinning)
There’s a blaster on the deck.
Pick it up and choose which one
of your old crewmembers gets to die.

WARD
Simple.
Once you’ve done that, my trust
in you may rise a millimeter or so.
(Ward gets up)
Oh, and don’t think you’re gonna be able to
shoot your way out of here with that blaster.
Its only got one shot.

GRIMM REAPER
It always has one shot.
For Bulgar’s protection.

WARD
We’ll be back in half an hour.

The two walk out.

GBW looks at the blaster. FLOCCULENCIO and MATT glance at one another.

MATT/FLOCCULENCIO (simultaneously)
GBW, buddy old pal.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE COMING TWILIGHT”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is walking back and forth before the large observatory window. He pauses, standing before it and looking out into the vast black.

We can see he’s disheveled, hair is mussed, clothes wrinkled, and there’s a nervous twitch to the way he moves.

We here the soft ‘swish’ of the doors into the Battle Room opening. DOCTOR WHAT twitches, but he does not turn around.

Camera pans around, showing the crew entering silently.

GREY WOLF, HENDRYK, IRONYUPPIE, KIT, LANDSHARK, and WEAPON M are the first to arrive. The silently take their places. A moment later, DIAMOND, DMA, DAVE HOWERY, OTHNIEL, THANDE, TORQUMADA, G.BONE, and LUAKEL enter. A few moments later MICHAEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and STRAHA straggle in.

There is silence still.

GREY WOLF stands up, straightening the front of his uniform and clearing his throat.

DOCTOR WHAT turns around and holds up a hand, signaling for GREY WOLF to hold on a moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at the gathered crew)
I know you all have questions, about what happened and
what’s going to happen or might happen. I know you are
scared, that what I’ve asked you may go against everything
you believed. I know you have your doubts, about me, about
what I’ve asked, about your own abilities to do it.
(beat)
All I have to say is that we have been together for a long time…
I know that you are the finest crew… No, scratch that. I know
you are the best group of friends a person can have…
and I would trust each of you with my life.
(beat)
I know I am asking for a lot.
I only ask one more thing.
I ask that you trust me.
That you have faith in me…

There is silence.

GREY WOLF clears his throat again.

GREY WOLF
Doc, we’ve been together for over six years.
I have seen the man you once were and I have
seen the man you have become. We do not know
what you saw in your visions, but that does not
matter. If you say this needs doing,
then this needs doing.

DOCTOR WHAT smiles as the crew cheers.

STRAHA
We’re with you all the way, Doc!

INT. – – AH.COM – STRAHA’S QUARTERS – DAY

OTHNIEL
What do you mean you’re leaving the ship.

STRAHA
Dude, did you just hear what the Doc said?
We’re gonna fucking attack the HUB!

OTHNIEL
I’ve heard.

STRAHA
You know IAN?
The guy in the pub?
The guy who commands fucking robot things
that can destroy a fucking world?

OTHNIEL
I know.

STRAHA
Do you think we have a snowball’s chance in hell
of even getting off a first shot without being
smear across half the multiverse?

OTHNIEL
I doesn’t matter.

STRAHA
Well it friggin’ does to me.
I, unlike you crazy fucktards, do not wanna die.

OTHNIEL
We’ve put our trust in Doc.
But it’s up to us to see that this gets through.
That we see this mission to the end.

STRAHA
That’s exactly what I’m not looking forward to.
We’re talking about going up against a guy that can
fuck anything up and we’re expecting to somehow win?
That we’ll kick his ass and everything
will all be happy sunshine afterward/

OTHNIEL
We can try.

STRAHA
And die trying.

OTHNIEL
It’s a possibility.

STRAHA
And that’s something I’m not fucking willing to take.
So next chance we’re in the Hub, I’m getting the fuck out of here.

OTHNIEL
Is there any way I can change your mind?

STRAHA
Yeah, kick some sense into Doc’s fucking head.
He’s totally gone off the deep end.

OTHNIEL
You heard what he said would happen.
About the future the Stone showed him.
A great evil is coming and we have the chance to stop it.
It already destroyed one world, we have to stop it before
more worlds are destroyed and more innocent lives are lost.

STRAHA
See this is what’s wrong with you asshats.
You think it’s up to you to stop every fucking baddie wannabe
who sets up shop on some world. You think you have to go
down there with you high and mighty fucking morals and say
“You can’t do this and we’re gonna stop you.”.

OTHNIEL
If not us, then who?

STRAHA
(rolls eyes)
Get the hell out of my quarters.

OTHNIEL looks at STRAHA for a moment and shakes his head slightly, then leaves the room. STRAHA pauses for a moment and begins shoving stuff into a duffle bag.

Clockwipe.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – BRIG – DAY

MATT, FLOCCULENCIO, and GBW are sitting in the brig. MATT and FLOCCULENCIO are manacled to the wall, GBW sits on the deck before them, a heavy blaster in his hands.

MATT
You know they’re probably
recording everything we’re saying.

FLOCCULENCIO
Probably so that creepy
Bulgar guy can wank off to it later.

MATT
Dude, mental image…

FLOCCULENCIO
The sick thing is that you are
able to imagine that imagery.

MATT
Stick with us, kid, and you’ll be able to imagine all
the sick perversions that would have otherwise gone
unimagined, let alone un-experienced, in your lifetime.

FLOCCULENCIO
Sir, I would like to subscribe to your newsletter…

GBW
So we’re all in agreement, Flocc gets shot?
(grins)

FLOCCULENCIO
What?
What did I ever do to you?

MATT
Well, you were the one who broke the thumb off
Tiberus Gracchus in your 1/1000th scale model
of the Late Roman Republic Senate.

GBW
(shocked)
That was you?
I thought Luakel had done that.

FLOCCULENCIO
How the hell did you even notice?

MATT
Dude, this is GBW.
He noticed when IronYuppie switched over from
bark tanned whips to veg tanned whips.

FLOCCULENCIO
(sighs)
Well….

The hatch to the Brig suddenly opens.

GRIMM REAPER peeks in, he sees all three still alive.

GRIMM REAPER
I was expecting there to be only two alive in here.
(grins)
Well, that at least gives me the chance
to test out the sharpness of my scythe.

GBW
Didn’t you just test it on the bulkhead?

GRIMM REAPER
But testing it on someone’s flesh is so much better.

GBW
I’m not going to kill Matt or Flocc.

GRIMM REAPER
(shrugs)
doesn’t matter.

GBW
What?

GRIMM REAPER
Ward said I could do what I want with you.

GBW
But I thought-

GRIMM REAPER
He knew you’d never do it.

MATT
Never underestimate GBW.

FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah he was the only one who was able to watch that
little pornographic gem Doc picked up from that BSDM world.

MATT
(shudders)
I still have nightmares about that.

FLOCCULENCIO
(hangs head)
Me too…

GRIMM REAPER
Well, shall we get this little show on the road?
I want plenty of screaming and begging.

FLOCCULENCIO
Oddly like Kit when he’s… erm randy.

MATT
You noticed that to, huh?

GBW
We had to tranq him that last time.

FLOCCULENCIO
Ah, good times.

GRIMM REAPER
Stop going off on tangents here.

GBW
Remember that last ti-

GRIMM REAPER kicks GBW.

GBW
Why does everyone hurt me?

MATT
I think it’s cuz you’re not big manly men like me and Flocc.

FLOCCULENCIO
You know without your armor,
you’re pretty runty, for an Marine and all.

MATT
Runty? Did you just call me runty?
(Flocc nods)
(sighs)
I’m big where it counts.
(grins)

FLOCCULENCIO
Your hands?

MATT
(hangs head)
Yeah.

GRIMM REAPER
(miffed)
Back to the point here, guys.
I’m gonna torture you, then skin you, then
wear your skin, then make some brownies.

GBW
I like brownies.

MATT
Could you hurry it up?
These manacles are chaffing my wrist.
Nothing more I hate than chaffing.

FLOCCULENCIO
That would explain why you don’t wear those
leathers pants I bought you for your birthday.

MATT
Dude.
I already told you, you don’t buy leather pants
for another guy. It’s.. just not done.

FLOCCULENCIO
But they were on sale! Half off!
I mean you don’t see a sale like that often.

MATT
Plus the damn things make my balls sweat.

FLOCCULENCIO
(put upon tone)
What doesn’t make your balls sweat?

MATT
Straddling an ice cube?

FLOCCULENCIO
You’d probably be able to straddle an ice cube, runt.

MATT
Call me runt again and I’ll make sure your little puny mech
thing gets chucked out of an airlock the next time we shift.

FLOCCULENCIO
Damn. I left my mech behind.

MATT
Oh, yeah. We defected.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hence our manacled nature.

GRIMM REAPER
(to GBW)
Do they always talk this much?

GBW
Generally.

GRIMM REAPER
How do you get them to shut up?

GBW
Normally we just push them toward where there’s a
lot of shooting going on. That distracts them for a while.

GRIMM REAPER
Will cutting off a hand help in shutting them up?

GBW
Probably just make them scream.
Flocc has a low tolerance for pain, there was
this one time he had a splinter in his palm. Torq
had to sedate him, because of all the screaming.

GRIMM REAPER
(grins)
Well, I had hoped for plenty of screaming.

GBW
Not this kind of screaming.
It grates on you after a while.

GRIMM REAPER
(thinking)
Maybe I’ll just kill them both quickly.

GBW
But I thought you were a psychotic sadist?

GRIMM REAPER
Oh, I am. I just don’t want to deal with all the annoying screaming,
normal screaming in pain is nice, but not the annoying kinds.
They ruin the fun.

GBW
(nodding)
I understand.
Its like when Luakel stats blaring Christine Aguilera down
the corridors. Normally, such annoying pop music I can ignore,
but her… it makes my ears bleed.

GRIMM REAPER
(nodding)
Well, then.Who wants to die first.

GBW
How about none of us?

GRIMM REAPER
Well one of more of you have to die.

GBW
Why’s that?

GRIMM REAPER
Because I want to kill one or more of you?

GBW
Oh.
Well, what if we can make a deal.
We don’t get to die, and you get something you want?

GRIMM REAPER
Although we are a ship filled with cut throats, murderers,
money launderers, and tax cheaters, we don’t engage
much in the way of homosexual intercourse.

GBW
Uh…

GRIMM REAPER
Sure there have been a few occasions.
But we’ve learned to deal with keep Rommy under lock
and key when he gets into those kinds of moods.

GBW
I was talking about something else.

GRIMM REAPER
Hmm? Unfortunately you were not carrying anything
remotely chocolaty upon your person when we searched you.

FLOCCULENCIO
I was wondering why they searched us so thoroughly.

GBW
Okay how about this deal.
You let us live and we give
you an open door onto the AH.com.

GRIMM REAPER
Are you serious?

GBW
Deathly so.

GRIMM REAPER
I will have to think on this.

GBW
This is no trap.

GRIMM REAPER
Oddly, I don’t believe you.
Weird, huh?

GBW
Yeah.. weird.

GRIMM REAPER
I’ll be back.

GBW
Take your time. We’ll just be sitting here.

GRIMM REAPER prepares to leave, but then stops. Turns around and snatches the blaster from GBW’s hands.

GRIMM REAPER
Almost forgot.

He distastefully puts it in a pocket, before leaving.

MATT
I’m still not sure about this plan, GBW.

GBW
Me too, but you heard Mr. Cryptic.

FLOCCULENCIO
I don’t trust that kid.

GBW
We gotta have some faith in people, Flocc.
(beat)
I believe in Ward’s absolute hatred of Doc.

MATT
If I die, I’m so killing you.

FLOCCULENCIO
Me too.

GBW
Trust me.
(grins)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in his command chiar, he looks worse for wear, dark spots under his eyes, his skin shallow and hair in sweaty ringlets bout his forehead.

KIT
We’re all ready,Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good, prepare shift engines.
Dave, how goes the device?

INT. – CARGO BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY, MICHAEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and WEAPON M are clustered around a large red object about the size of a person’s head. It looks like a four sided pyramid but the eyes get blurry when they look at the object and one sees six or seven or even eight sides to the pyramid, depending on the angle you look at it.

There are wires and computer bits hooked to it. DAVE HOWERY finishes soldering a piece of wire.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, Doc. We’re got it running, or what we think of it as running.
This thing puts out a lot of weird mojo, but we think we can control it.
Turn it off and turn it, basically.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Good, good. I’ll give you the signal, once we enter the hub,
it’ll be a matter of minutes before the Hub discovers what
we’re carrying. We’ll have to move fast and get to the docks.

DAVE HOWERY (on comm)
Righto.
We’ll be ready.

DOCTOR WHAT
Landshark.

LANDSHARK
Huh?

DOCTOR WHAT
Open a vortex. We’re heading to the Hub.

Pan to the Pilot’s Suite and we see LANDSHARK occupying GBW’s former spot. He’s squinting down at the consoles before him.

LANDSHARK
Bloody hell, how do you operate these controls.
And why does it smell like peppermint?

Cut to.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A vortex opens and the AH.com plunges into it.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – WARD’S READY ROOM – DAY

WARD is sitting behind his desk, GRIMM REAPER sits in a chair before it.

WARD
It was a damn fool mistake.
We should have demanded payment,
then bombed the city.

GRIMM REAPER
Who knew a couple of mini nukes would
level a city and leave almost no survivors?

WARD
We all live and learn.

GRIMM REAPER
I see that now.

WARD
(long pause)
So.

GRIMM REAPER
I think they’ll actually do it.

WARD
The question is why?

GRIMM REAPER
It’s not hate.
I can tell you that.

WARD
They all look like they’ve just
been bitten by their favorite puppy.

GRIMM REAPER
Or kicked off what is practically their home
by a guy they thought of as a true friend.

WARD
Quit shitting all over my attempts of
making simple analogies of the situation.

GRIMM REAPER
Sorry sir.

WARD
But if they are telling the truth.

GRIMM REAPER
We get access to the ship.

WARD
We get that bitch Atta and the fuck up What.

GRIMM REAPER
Two birds with one betrayal.

WARD
I still don’t like it.

GRIMM REAPER
We can always space ‘em.

WARD
I don’t think Ian would appreciate out spacing three
people while in dock and we ain’t ready to shift yet.

GRIMM REAPER
We can always do the old fashioned stabbing them in the
femoral artery and laughing as they bleed to death.

WARD
Last time it sprayed all over the place.

GRIMM REAPER
What about just in the back of the head?

WARD
You know my opinions on that.

GRIMM REAPER
Sorry, sir.

WARD
Do you believe them?

GRIMM REAPER
I’m not sure. Usually you can trust that people would do
anything to survive, but these guys.. I think they’re more
loyal to the people they care about
than what happens to their own lives.

WARD
A worthy quality.

GRIMM REAPER
But one that I’d rather not have in my enemies.
It’s far easier to deal with people who value
their own lives above everything.

WARD
So we put our trust in ‘em?

GRIMM REAPER
Seems so.

WARD
They’ve got a hidden agenda, one that don’t bode well,
I think. I don’t like puttin’ blind faith in people.

GRIMM REAPER
Well, we know they might screw us over, therefore
we can always be prepared, take precautions.

WARD
It’s all we can do, for now.
Later if they do screw us over,
we’ll just kill ‘em.

GRIMM REAPER
(grins)
I like that plan.

WARD
Well, let’s see what the little traitors will tell us.

EXT. – HUB SPACE – DAY

The AH.com ship appears. It moves quickly toward the Docks.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – BRIG – DAY

WARD, GRIMM REAPER, MATT, FLOCCULENCIO, and GBW occupy the Brig. WARD is sitting upon a chair, while GRIMM REAPER watches the three, stroking the shaft of his scythe.

WARD
So spill it.

GBW
We have to have guarantees that we won’t be killed.

WARD
Bullshit.

GBW
How about guarantees that I won’t be killed?

WARD
What about you tell me what I want to know and
I don’t shoot the runty marine.

MATT
I am not runty!

GBW
I know how you can get onto the AH.com.
With no need to shooting holes in it.

WARD
Well, seeing as how some of my less than able crew
managed to steal your ship that last time.

GBW
We’ve managed to upgrade the security systems.

WARD
And how do you think that they won’t have
changed ‘em after they kicked you to the dirt?

GBW
I programmed those security measures in.
I know how to get around it.

WARD
Well, hand ‘em over.

GBW
This for that.

WARD
Fine, I won’t kill the marine.

MATT
Yay.

FLOCCULENCIO
Yay.

GBW
You’ll need us, if you’re going use what I give you.

WARD
All of you?

GBW
No, just one of us, the ship’s systems are
designed to identify current crew members.

WARD
Good, I’ll take the runt and
the Indian when we go there.

GBW
Uh… I was hoping that-

WARD
You’re a smart one. I don’t trust you.
I think you’ll come up with some smart way of escaping.
But if I don’t take you, then I can leave you here. And
take one of the less intelligent of your little group.

FLOCCULENCIO
Did he just insult our intelligence?

MATT
Huh?

GBW
(glances at Matt and Flocc)
Okay…

WARD
Now, tell me how to get aboard the AH.com ship.

GBW
I have a gift for you first.

WARD
Gift?

GBW
Yes, something that Doc held dearly.

WARD
What’s that? His damned porn?

GBW
No… but damn that would have been better.

WARD
What is it?

GBW digs in his pocket and pulls out a small metallic ring.

WARD
What the hell is that?

GBW
Something Doc loved.

WARD
And why are you giving it to me?

GBW
Seeing as how we asked to join your crew…
And Doc kicking us out. Call it a bit of payback.

WARD laughs and takes the ring from GBW’s hand.

WARD
Fine. Fine.
Now tell us how to get into your ship.

GBW
(sighs)
First thing you’ll need to do…

Clockwipe.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

WARD and GRIMM REAPER stand before a large holographic screen. The rest of the CF.netters sit at the table, listening and watching.

WARD
With the codes that GBW has given us, we’ll be able to first open
the hatches to the interior of the ship and then once we’re inside we’ll
be able to disable Leo, the ship’s computer. There is no way to get it
offline, unless we either blow up the Core or find the access codes that
even GBW does not know to take it offline. I’d rather not blow up the
core. There is information in there that we could use.

MIDGARD
And porn!

The Crew Cheers.

WARD
Incapacitate the crew. Kill unless you have to and if you do,
you’d better have a damn good reason as to why you did it,
else you’ll be breathin’ vacuum.

GRIMM REAPER
We have seven years of frustration to take out on their hides.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
Can we join in?

WARD
Everyone can join in.

The Crew Cheers.

KILNGIRL
Don’t you think this is a bit barbaric?

WARD
Doc was the guy who saved the woman that
kidnapped you and destroyed you business.

KILNGIRL
KILL THEM!
KILL THEM ALL!!!

The Crew Cheers.

KILNGIRL
What will be my job in all of this?
Do I get to hurt that mean woman?

WARD
You’ll be staying on board.

KILNGIRL
(cold voice)
Is it because I’m a girl?

DOMINUSNOVUS
If that were the case, then we wouldn’t be bringing Scarecrow.

SCARECROW
Bite me, pretty boy.

DOMINUSNOVUS
You’d like that wouldn’t you?

GRIMM REAPER
Shut up.

WARD
No, the ship still needs fixin’.
Get the shift engines working and the weapons up.
Fortyseven will be here with you.
He’ll be manning the teleporters.

FORTYSEVEN
(sighs)
I always have to man the teleporters when
everyone goes on a cool killing mission.

WARD
Lock and load, boys.
Its time we killed some Ah.commers.

The Crew cheers.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S READY ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is behind his desk, GREY WOLF is sitting in a chair before ir.

GREY WOLF
I don’t understand why you’re only taking half of the crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
The ones I’m leaving behind are pretty much useless in a fight.
They’ll be more of a hindrance than help.

GREY WOLF
But they want to join you when this happens.

DOCTOR WHAT
They stay here.
And they frigging like it.
We’re going into a big fight and I need those
that can at least handle a weapon correctly.
Not these bumbling fools.

GREY WOLF
(silent for a moment)
What do you want me to tell them?

DOCTOR WHAT
Tell them what I said.
If they wanted to be of more use, then they
should have learned to fight better.

GREY WOLF
(nods briskly)
I understand.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sees Grey’s expression)
I’ll need someone also to stay behind and watch over them.
Someone I can trust to do the job right.

GREY WOLF
Hendryk would be a good choice.

DOCTOR WHAT
I mean you.

GREY WOLF
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re gonna stay behind and ride herd on these buggers.
Make sure they don’t do anything stupid.

GREY WOLF
I had thought-

DOCTOR WHAT
No. You stay behind.

GREY WOLF
But-

DOCTOR WHAT
NO!
I said it and I mean it.

GREY WOLF
I.. understand.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good.

There’s a ring on the door into the Ready Room and before DOCTOR WHAT can say anything ATTA stalks in.

ATTA
What is this nonsense about an attack upon the Hub?

DOCTOR WHAT
I do not want to talk about it, love.

ATTA
You’re gonna stop this attack right here and right now,
You understand?

DOCTOR WHAT hesitates, its as if he’s caught in indecision. He glances at ATTA.

DOCTOR WHAT
(slowly)
No.

ATTA
(surprised)
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
No.

ATTA
You do not tell me no!

DOCTOR WHAT
I just have.

ATTA
Don’t you love me?

DOCTOR WHAT
(hesitant)
I do…

ATTA
Don’t you want to do anything for me?

DOCTOR WHAT
I do…

ATTA
Then turn this ship around, find out
where Ward is hiding and kill him.
For me.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
No.

ATTA
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
I am not going to.

ATTA
(angry)
I just told you what to do!

GREY WOLF watches the exchange, looking as if he’d rather just sink into the floor than be there.

ATTA stalks up to him.

ATTA
Find Ward.
Kill him.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
Back off!

ATTA
You do not talk back to me!

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly shoves her back, she collides with a bulkhead and sinks to her knees, gasping in horror.

GREY WOLF jumps to his feet.

GREY WOLF
Bruno!

DOCTOR WHAT ignores him and stalks up to ATTA.

DOCTOR WHAT
You do not tell me what to do.
I am no one’s puppet, understand.

He towers over her as she looks up in horror at him.

ATTA
Please…

GREY WOLF grabs DOCTOR WHAT and pushes him back to his desk.

GREY WOLF
(to Atta)
Are you alright?

ATTA
He’s insane!

ATTA staggers to the door and lurches out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get off my ship!

GREY WOLF
What the fuck is wrong with you, Bruno?
You do not go pushing around pregnant women!

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you also telling me what to do?
Huh?

GREY WOLF
What the hell is wrong with you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Nothing. I’m seeing things super clear now.
I don’t need stupid parasitic bitches clinging onto me and
demanding I do things for them. I also don’t need idiot crew
members who are more than useless to me.

GREY WOLF
What has gotten into you, Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll take car of this when I get back.
Get the hell out of my ready room.

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT stare each other down for a moment.

GREY WOLF
(snapping out salute)
Yes, Captain!

INT. – HUB STREET – DAY

STRAHA walks up to a counter. Pull out and we see its’ a McDonald’s like establishment. CHINGO360 looks up at him.

CHINGO360
What can I get for you?

STRAHA
I’d like a quadruple Genghis Burger with extra sauce and
a large Zheng He Fleet on the side.

CHINGO360
Alright.

STRAHA looks about the fast food joint, he sees something fimiliar outside the window.

He walks up to the window and spots WARD and the other CF.netters walking down the street. He glances in the direction they’re going, toward the AH.com ship.

He looks about indecisive.

ALT-LAUKEL
A large Ghenghis Burger and a large Zheng He Fleet!

STRAHA shrugs.

STRAHA
Not my fucking problem anymore.

Walks back up to counter.

ALT-LAUKEL
That’ll be 9.50.

STRAHA digs in his pockets for a moment.

STRAHA
Aw, shit…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – AIR LOCK – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY, WEAPON M, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, KIT, HENDRYK, DMA, OTHNIEL, and DIAMOND all stand ready and armed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well this is it.
We get to the core, we deactivate it
and Ian will be powerless.

WEAPON M
Now, just to get him to get his ass out of the Hub.

KIT
It’s all ready to go, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hit it.

DAVE HOWERY flips a switch and the object begins glowing a bright red.

DAVE HOWERY
Hmm.. don’t seems to do much.

EXT. – HUB STREET – DAY

LOUDSPEAKER
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
This is a message from the Hub emergency broadcast system.
We regret to inform you that the Hub is experiencing a denial
of service attack on the crosstime network. The Ouroboros
crosstime doors unavailable. At this time there there is no
possibility of leaving or entering the Hub. Please remain in
you current positions until this emergency has been dealt with.
Have a nice day.

People on the streets look around and then begin panicking.

EXT. – HUB DOCKS – DAY

The AH.commers watch at the panicking mass of humanity.

DIAMOND
Man, this is so not gonna be fun.

DMA
You’re right there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s move.

KIT and DAVE HOWERY carry the device between them, while the rest crowd around, keeping people at bay with their weapons.

DIAMOND
Get out of our way!
Important business here!
Move it or lose it!

[;EFT] The AH.commers push their way into the crowds.

EXT. – HUB DOCKS – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
A denial of service attack/
Coincidence?

WARD
I think not.

GRIMM REAPER
What are those AH.commers up to?

WARD
Well, we’ll cut the answer out of them, no?

GRIMM REAPER
Oh, joy.

WARD
Faeelin.

FAEELIN
Sir?

WARD
Open her up.

The CF.netters are standing outside the airlock of the AH.com ship.

FAEELIN
On it, sir.

FAEELIN puts a metallic box along side the entry code panel and taps in a few commands. A moment later the air lock cycles open.

WARD
Engineering. Computer Core. Control Room.
Go! Go! Go!

The CF.netter rush into the ship.

WARD
(to Matt and Flocc)
You two can come with me.
(grins)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are walking down a corridor.

MICHAEL
You know what I mean!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No I really don’t.
You don’t just go saying things like that and expect
people to have immediate understanding.

MICHAEL
How stupid do you have to
be not to understand what I mean?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Look, next time jus-

VOICE
HALT! OR GET YOUR ASSES SHOT OFF!

The two turn around and face ROMULUS AGUSTULUS and DOMINUSNOVUS.

MICHAEL
Holy shi-

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS fires. A burst of blue energy envelopes MICHAEL and he collapses to the floor, unconscious. PSYCHOMELTDOWN drops to his knees, hands up.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I surrender!
I surrender!

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS walks up to PSYCHOMELTDOWN and smacks him in the head with the butt of his rifle/stunner. PSYCHOMELTDOWN collapses to the floor.

DOMINUSNOVUS
You know you’re gonna have to carry
them to the friggin’ holding place, right?

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
What?

DOMINUSNOVUS
We could have kept them conscious to do the walking themselves.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
Damn it.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

TORQUMADA and THANDE are walking down a corridor.

THANDE
What do you mean I can’t fight?
I so can kick arse.

TORQUMADA
I seriously doubt that.

THANDE
Hey, I took a couple of boxing lessons.

TORQUMADA
Slap fighting with Michael doesn’t count as boxing.

THANDE
But it hurt.

TORQUMADA
He knocked you out!

THANDE
It wasn’t’ because of that.
I just don’t like the sight of blood.

TORQUMADA
That was ketchup.
Not blood.

THANDE
Shut up.

VOICE
No, you two shut up.

TORQUMADA and THANDE look down the corridor to see MIDGARD and BULGARKOTONOS shouldering weapons pointed at them.

MIDGARD
Come on, let’s go for a little walk…

TORQUMADA
I think we’ve just got boarded.

THANDE
What gave it away?

INT. – AH. COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GREY WOLF is sitting in the command chair, he looks glum and confused.

LEO CAESIUS
Psst, Grey!

GREY WOLF
What?

LEO CAESIUS
No, it’s Leo.

GREY WOLF
What do you want?

LEO CAESIUS
We’ve just been boarded.

GREY WOLF
By whom?

LEO CAESIUS
The CF.netters. They’ve used GBW’s access overrides to
enter the airlock. They’ve got control of Engineering and
are headed to the Computer Core and the Control Room.

GREY WOLF
Raise the alarms!

LEO CAESIUS
I can’t. They’ve disabled those functions with the override.

GREY WOLF
Well can you raise the Doc?
Tell him that we’re in trouble.
That we need him here?

LEO CAESIUS
I’m trying to access the communica-
(static)

GREY WOLF
Leo?
You there?

Suddenly the power begins to go out, emergency lighting flickers on.

GREY WOLF
Damn.

VOICE
Damn, couldn’t they have shut the controls off,
AFTER we had gotten to the control room?

GREY WOLF looks around and ducks into DOCTOR WHAT’s ready room. He looks around a bit and find a cricket bat lying upon a chiar, it is marked: PROPERTY OF LANDSHARK: KEEP YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF IT.

He picks it up and peeks back into the Control Room.

SCARECROW and FAEELIN enter the Control Room, rifles pointing everywhere.

SCARECROW
Looks like no one’s home.

FAEELIN
Shall we look around?

SCARECROW
Meh, you can. I’m gonna just sit here for a moment.

FAEELIN
Hey, I want to sit on the command chair!

SCARECROW
Go board your own ship!

The two begin fighting.

GREY WOLF looks around and sees and air vent.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

G.BONE is snoozing at his station.

There’s the slight swish of the doors opening, he remains sleeping.

VOICE
Wakey, wakey.

G.BONE’s POV. We see the barrel of a large gun resting before G.BONE’s face.

G.BONE jumps up, seeing DARKSLAVIK.

DARKSLAVIK
Now, be a good boy and walk slowly to the exit, hear?
Else I’ll be force be forced to turn you into some abomination..

G.BONE
Um.. okay…

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – BRIG – DAY

GBW lies on his back, feet pushing against the manacles on his wrists. He grunts and strains, there’s a pop and a clacking noise as one manacle slides over a hand and off his wrist.

GBW collapses, breathing heavily.

GBW
The great thing about having big wrists and small hands.
Manacles are not a good way to lock me up.
And who uses manacles anymore?

He gets up, and with ease detaches the other manacle off his wrist. He rubs the raw red skin for a moment.

GBW
Now, for the great escape.

From his trousers GBW pulls out a tiny green cylinder.

GBW
You should never have left a loaded blaster in my hands.
You knew I wasn’t goona use it against my fellow shipmates.

GBW shoves the blaster cartridge against the control panel to the Brig.

GBW
(taking deep breath)
The problem of using blasters , is that their cartridges, once out of
their casings and out of the clip they’re housed in, are very unstable.
A sharp application of force tends to cause them to detonate.

GBW twirls his manacles for a few swings and then slams it against the control panel.

Nothing happens.

GBW peers at it.

GBW
Of course, due to their size, one has to actually hit it, first.

GBW swings again and slams the manacles against the control panel.

BOOOOOM!

GBW is thrown against the bulkhead.

GBW
(coughing)
Though for mere stopping power, there is no better
weapon than a blaster, due to it’s large explosive power.
(coughs)
I really have to stop talking to myself.
(gets up)
Now, off to freedom.

EXT. – HUB STREET – DAY

Explosions rock the street. Overhead are two flying machines, raining down light upon a group huddled behind a stack of rubble.

DOCTOR WHAT
Shoot ‘em down.
We get pass these bots, we’re
home free toward the Inner City.

WEAPON M
Fire in the hole!

WEAPON M jumps up with a large shoulder mounted rocket and fires off a round. A bright white streak erupts from the weapon and destroys one of the flying machines. The rest of the crew open up on the second machine, riddling it with holds and cheering as it crashes into a building.

DOCTOR WHAT
Onward!
To the Inner City and the Core!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – STORAGE ROOM – DAY

SCARECROW and FAEELIN walk into the storage room, the captured AH.commers are tied up and WARD and GRIMM REAPER stand in the rom. They glance at the two men.

WARD
Any others on the ship?

SCARECROW
None that we saw, sir.

WARD
What happened to you two?

FAEELIN shoots SCARECROW a glance.

FAEELIN
We fell down some stairs, sir.

WARD shakes his head he pulls out his .357 and points it at TORQUMADA.

WARD
Now, where is everyone?

TORQUMADA
Like I’d tell you anything!

WARD points his gun at MICHAEL.

WARD
Tell me or the little Aussie gets it.

MICHAEL
Tell him!
Tell him!

TORQUMADA
(sighs)
They’re going to the core of the Hub.

WARD
(surprised)
Where?

TORQUMADA
The Core of the Hub.
Where all the controls for this place are.

WARD
Why the hell are they doing that?

TORQUMADA
I don’t know.

WARD pauses, musing.

GRIMM REAPER
Can’t we just kill these ones, blow up their ship and
laugh as they come back from whatever they were doing
and see with horror what has transpired?

WARD
No, that would be too easy.
Plus I have a gift to return to Bruno.
(twirls ring in his hand)

GRIMM REAPER
Seems an awful lot of trouble returning something…
Oh, wait I get it. You want to kill him.
(giggles)
I see now.

G.BONE
You’ll never defeat Doctor What!
He’s the best!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, you’ve like lost a buncha times against him.
What will make this any different?

WARD
Cause, boy, I intend to kill him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ha.

WARD
Hit him, Grimm.

GRIMM REAPER punches PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

WARD
This complicates things.

GRIMM REAPER
We could just go after them.
Leave a couple behind to watch the ship
and the crew we’ve caught.

WARD
True.
(beat)
Gather the men.
Merryprankster and Dominusnovus will be left here.
Along with Flocculencio.

MICHAEL
Flocc?
I thought he was gone?

WARD
(grins)
Bring him in.

FLOCCLENCIO enters the storage room.

MICHAEL
I don’t understand.

WARD
Say hello to our newest crewmember.

MICHAEL
You’re… you’re with them?

FLOCCULENCIO hangs his head.

MICHAEL
Traitor!
Traitor!

WARD
It’s fun to see them feel shame at their actions.
Dominus!

DOMINUSNOVUS pokes his head into the Storage Room.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Sir?

WARD
You and Merry will remain here.
The rest of us are going after Dr. What.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Yes, sir.

WARD
Keep an eye on them.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(grinning)
Yes, sir.

WARD and GRIMM REAPER leave.

DOMINUSNOVUS tosses a length of rope to FLOCCULENCIO.

FLOCCULENCIO
What’s this/

DOMINUSNOVUS
Feel free to tie yourself up also.
I don’t want any of you scum sneaking up on me, hear?

FLOCCULENCIO
It’s kinda hard to tie your own knots, you know?

DOMINUSNOVUS
Do it or I get to shoot one of these stupid looking ‘tards.

FLOCCLENCIO begins tying himself up.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Good. Good…

DOMINUSNOVUS pulls out a chair and looks down at the crew. From a sheath at his side he pulls out a long jagged knife.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Now, who’s the lucky one?

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – OUTSIDE AIRLOCK – DAY

A group is gathered by the Airlock, but due to some artistic lighting, the figures can’t be seen. All we can tell is that one of them is GREY WOLF.

KIERA KNIGHTLY
Shouldn’t we not try and rescue the captured
crew from the clutches of these evil brutes?

GREY WOLF
Not you problem, Miss.

KIERA KNIGHTLY
I think Dave would find it amiss that his helpers were
killed whilst I could have aided in their escape.

GREY WOLF
I’m sure Dave doesn’t give much thought about Psycho
and G.Bone when he’s around… what man would?
(shakes head)
No you leave and await a signal that all is clear.

ADIKOR
I thank your looking out for my Mistress, sir Wolf.

GREY WOLF
It’s no problem.
A pregnant woman shouldn’t be in a fire fight.

ADIKOR
I wish I could offer assistance,
but my loyalty is first to my mistress.

GREY WOLF
I understand.

MOSQUITO
Man, I knew I should have bailed when the
fat obnoxious kid took off. But you guys have
the best nectar around…
(slobbers)

GREY WOLF
Straha left?
When?

MOSQUITO
Just after we docked.
Said he had enough.

GREY WOLF
Really?
(shakes head)
Doesn’t matter now.

BOBO
Bobo will fight.
Bobo will rescue Torqumada.
Bobo not scared.

GREY WOLF
I know, Bobo.
But someone must take care of these people.
I entrust that in you. Alright?

BOBO
Bobo will not fail.
Bobo will protect Kiera Knightly.
Bobo will protect Mosquito.
Bobo-

GREY WOLF
I get it.
I get it.

KIERA KNIGHTLY
Be safe, brave Wolf.
(kisses him on the cheek)
I shall always remember your bravery.

GREY WOLF
(sighs forlornly)
Damn, Dave.

He turns and heads back into the Airlock.

KIERA KNIGHTLY
Now let us hope that our journey is not as perilous as Grey Wolf’s.

KIERA KNIGHTLY links hands with ATTA and they walk. BOBO, MOSQUITO, and ADIKOR follow behind them. An attractive young woman, a pregnant Neanderthal, a floating brain, a giant walking mosquito, and a burly Neanderthal looking about suspiciously. They are soon lost in the rising steam that arrives from somewhere.

GREY WOLF
(to himself)
Bugger me if that ain’t a strange sight.
(beat)
Did I miss anyone?

INT. – AH,COM SHIP – IRONYUPPIE’S QUARTERS – DAY

On the wall in a room decorated in medieval torture chamber style has DRACONISNOIR, NRED, REDROVER, and CASANOVA handcuffed to it. The former three are looking about while the fourth is sobbing uncontrollably.

DRACONISNOIR
What’s been happening?

NRED
Dunno. Yuppie’s been very concentrated.
She didn’t even whip Casanova over there.

REDROVER
I know, something weried’s going on.

DRACONISNOIR
Yeah, with the power off and all.
We can’t watch TV.

NRED
And this pathetic piece keeps crying.

REDROVER
I miss the Yuppie.

DRACONISNOIR/NRED (In unison)
Me too….
(sigh)

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

FORTYSEVEN hurries down the corridor.

FORTYSEVEN
Man, I shouldn’t have eaten those taquitos…
(groans)

We see GBW peek down the corridor, watching as FORTYSEVEN bursts his way intoa Men’s Restroom.

GBW
Just my luck.
(grins)

GBW quickly enters the teleportation room.

GBW
Hmm.. they’ll have probably disabled the computers now.
Meaning that I can probably teleport straight into the ship…
(hits buttons)

The door opens and KILNGIRL enters.

KILNGIRL
Aren’t you supposed to be chained up in the bowels of the ship?

GBW
(grinning)
What you like your men chained up?

KILNGIRL
(grins back)
They’re more manageable that way.

GBW
I’m sure you’re more than imaginative enough
to find ways to keep men manageable.

KILNGIRL
Yes, but chains are so nice. Plus they clink and
clank in a nice way. Music to my ears. .

GBW
Then it’s a lucky man who can be your musical instrument.

KILNGIRL
It’s not just music that their instruments can produce.

Through the exchange GBW takes a step forward while KILNGIRL takes a step back. She’s now standing flushed up against the door she just entered while GBW stand close.

GBW grins at her while she smiles back sweetly.

With a quick move GBW hits the door control and with a cry of fear KILNGIRL stumbles back out into the corridor. GBW hits the controls again and the doors close.

GBW
This time no interruptions.
(hits the LOCK button)
(beat)
Nice girl.
(grins)

GBW walks back to the teleportation console and hits a few buttons.

GBW
Here goes nothing.

GBW stand on the teleportation tube pad and with a pop vanishes.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUING

GBW appears in the Control Room.

GBW
Not bad, not bad at all.

He walks up to a console and hit a few buttons.

Nothing happens.

GBW
Damn, they’ve moved faster than I thought.

The lift doors suddenly open. GBW looks up to see GREY WOLF looking down at him.

GBW
Oh, crap.

GREY WOLF
TRAITOR!
(raises cricket bat)

EXT. – HUB – OUTSIDE INNER CITY – DAY

A huge golden door stands before them. There are shattered remains of robotic guards lying about in disarray.

DOCTOR WHAT strides forward, a plasma rifle in hand. Beside him is WEAPON M.

WEAPON M
Figured we wouldn’t have gotten this far.

DOCTOR WHAT
We came with bigger weapons.

LANDSHARK
Aye, we showed those metal bastards what for.

IRONYUPPIE
Mmm.. they blew up nicely.
Nothing like burned circuits and metal in an eternal daylight.

LANDSHARK
Couldn’t have said it better myself, luv.

IRONYUPPIE
Be quiet.

LANDSHARK
Okay.

DMA
So what’s the plan now, Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
We find the entrance into the Core.
We destroy it.
We win.

DMA
Sounds simple enough.

DIAMOND
Yeah and how many times does that turn out to be true?

DMA
Ya don’t have to drag reality into this, Diamond.

DIAMOND
I just like crushing people’s confidences, is all.

DMA
Yep, so do it.

They both grin.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re close.
I can feel it.
(points)
This way!

HENDRYK
How do you know?

DOCTOR WHAT
I just know. Okay?
I just know…

HENDRYK
Alright…

The AH.commers head into the Inner City.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GREY WOLF stands before GBW, cricket bat raised. GBW’s eyes flicker about, looking for an escape.

GREY WOLF
Look who came sneaking back.

GBW
Thanks for the welcoming committee.

GREY WOLF
You got a lot of nerve, wanker.

GBW
Sometimes I wished I didn’t.
Would make things a lot easier.

GREY WOLF
Waltzing in after your little cronies have taken over the ship.
(glances at what GBW was doing)
You’re not gonna be able to access anything from here.

GBW
I found that out.

GREY WOLF
You’re not leaving this control room either, not conscious anyway.

GBW
So this is how it ends?

GREY WOLF
If you weren’t a traitorous bastard,
then it would have ended better.

GBW
I had my reasons.

GREY WOLF
One usually does.

GBW
I did what I thought was best.

GREY WOLF
I’m sure you believe that.

GBW
Damn it, don’t you see that Doc’s gone off the deep end/

GREY WOLF
Could be, or could be the fact that a lot of
things have occurred in the last few days.

GBW
There’s that.
Or it could be that he’s got something inside him that’s making him
some slightly insane dumbass who’s gonna bring a whole hell of a lot
of trouble to the Hub and the possibly the multiverse if we don’t stop him.

GREY WOLF
Right. Doc is controlled by something that’s
making him do all these things?

GBW
Yeah.

GREY WOLF
Like I would believe you.

GBW
Well, you kind of have to.
Because if you don’t… well, we’re gonna all
be dead if Doc goes through with this.

GREY WOLF
He’s saving not only us, but also a lot of lives.

GBW
He’s lying to you.

GREY WOLF
We’re going to stop Ian.

GBW
(shakes head)
You’re all idiots.
Ian is not the enemy.

GREY WOLF
Doc says otherwise.

GBW
Yeah, but Doc’s under some kind of frigging mind control.

GREY WOLF
(scoffing)
I would have thought you of all people would
come up with something better than that.

GBW
Well, sometimes reality is far cheesier than fiction.

GREY WOLF
Well, whatever you damned excuse is,
prepare to get your arse stomped.

GBW
I don’t want to do this.

GREY WOLF
Then that just makes only you.

GREY WOLF launches forward, swinging his bat, GBW dodges out of the way.

GBW
Listen to me, damn it.

GREY WOLF
Enough talking!

GREY WOLF swings at GBW again, GBW manages to dodge the hit.

GBW
You’ve known Doc for a long time.
Have you ever seen him like this?

GREY WOLF
He’s been under a lot of stress.

GBW
It’s more than stress.
He’s under the control of something.

GREY WOLF
Yeah, what?

GBW
I’m not sure. Something powerful, something deadly.
Something that’ll destroy us all, if we don’t stop him.

GREY WOLF
Again, I suspected something better from you.

GBW
Like I said, I’m not lying.

GREY WOLF stands for a moment, watching GBW. He still grips the cricket bat, but there is a bit of hesitation in him.

GREY WOLF
What if I were to say, that I am not pleased
in the way that Doc has been acting lately.

GBW
I would have to respond that this is not the Doc
you know. He’s in there somewhere, but
something else is in control of him now.

GREY WOLF
I have known Doc for years now.
I’ve seen all his moods, all his weakness, and all of
his triumphs. I know him better than he knows himself.
(beat)
And the man I saw today was not the man I knew.
He was someone else.
Someone I did not care for in the least.

GBW
There are creatures, of power we can barely imagine, who are
doing this to him. Doc is not the enemy here, he is merely a way
for them to do what they need doing. He’s a puppet. They’ve
reduced him to nothing more than a puppet for their use.
Ian is not the enemy here.

GREY WOLF clenches his fists.

GREY WOLF
Why did you have to help the CF.netters?

GBW
It was not my choice. We had to… it
was the only option.

GREY WOLF
Is he still in there?
Or has this thing wiped away all traces of who he was?

GBW
I think he’s still there. I’m not sure.

GREY WOLF
I want to believe you.
I want to believe that the man I saw leaving here today was not
the man I have known for years. I really do want to believe.

GBW
I’m telling the truth, Grey.
I need you to trust me.
Please…

EXT. – HUB STREET – DAY

The CF.netters stand at the main exit out of the Docks. Around them mill thousands of people, all confused, scared, and blocking their way toward the Inner City.

FAEELIN
They’re all in our friggin way!

MATT
Maybe we can tell them to move or something.

WARD
(scoffing)
Go, tell them to move, then.

MATT
(nods)
Hey, everyone!
Get out of our way!
We need to-

WARD
Fire.

The CF.netters open fire on the crowd. In a matter of moments a path is suddenly cleared. MATT stands in shock, staring at the carnage.

WARD
Come on, Runty. We have an ‘asshat’ to meet.

GRIMM REAPER
Y’know, normally they run panicking like animals in all directions.
These ones neatly ran in one direction. Pretty nice of them, no?

MATT
Jesus…

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT stands before several large computer consoles. Around them swirl the odd shifting space, everyone looks both nervous, scared, and excited. HENDRYK steps up to DOCTOR WHAT.

HENDRYK
You know what you’re doing?

DOCTOR WHAT
I.. I think so. Its like I’ve sent his before.
The same feeling I had when we were coming here.
It’s like.. I know this. How to do this.

HENDRYK
Okay, that’s kinda creeping me out.

DOCTOR WHAT’s fingers begin flashing across the console, lights blink and flash, and there is a rumbling.

HENDRYK
What are you doing.

DOCTOR WHAT
He will destroy us all.
Not unless we bring them where.

HENDRYK
Who are “them”?

DOCTOR WHAT
(distant voice)
They can fight him.
They can stand against him.
They can destroy him.

HENDRYK
What are you talking about.
I thought we were shutting down the core?

DOCTOR WHAT
They are our salvation.

WEAPON M
Sorry to bust up this little shindig of yours, but DMA’s just come back.
He’s says he saw Ward and the other CF.netters coming this way.
Looks like there’s gonna be a big showdown.

DOCTOR WHAT
(strange look in his eyes)
It won’t matter.
They’re coming.

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE ENTRANCE – DAY

WARD steps over the scrorched remains of a guardbot. He looks downt he darknened door.

GRIMM REAPER
Looks inviting.

WARD
Damns straight.
Matt.

MATT steps forward.

MATT
Yeah?

WARD
Time to take a stroll down yonder corridor.
If you don’t get shot, we’ll follow.
(grins)

GRIMM REAPER
If you get shot, have the decency to die.

MATT takes a deep breath and heads down the corridor. The CF.netters wait, watching him. MATT makes it to the end of the corridor.

MATT
(yelling)
It’s clear!

WARD
Let’s go. We kill every AH.commer we find.

GRIMM REAPER
Including Matt?

WARD
Everyone of them.

GRIMM REAPER
Excellent.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – COMPUTER CORE CONTROL- DAY

We see the giant pulsating orb that is Leo’s brain behind a thick window, suspended in a long shaft.

MERRYPRANKSTER stands at a computer console, hands flying across the keyboard.

LEO CAESIUS
Merry?
I can’t let you do this Merry.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Well, you sure as hell can’t stop me.

LEO CAESIUS
But you can’t do this.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Watch me.

LEO CAESIUS
What can I do to stop you from trying to access my files?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Tell me how to access your files.

LEO CAESIUS
You know I can’t do that.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You can, you just don’t want to.
Therefore I’ll jut have to do it the hard way.

LEO CAESIUS
You’re not a computer wizard.

MERRYPRANKSTER
No, but I’m competent.
Give me time and I’ll crack this security system.

LEO CAESIUS
You won’t have much time.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Then I’ll just destroy your core.

LEO CAESIUS
Doc will be back.
He’ll destroy the Hub’s core and with it Ian’s power.
Then he’ll be back and he’ll kick you and your little friends asses.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Meh, let him come.
We’ll deal with him too.

LEO CAESIUS
You’re a fool.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You have no penis.

LEO CAESIUS
Bastard.

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE – DAY

WARD, GRIMM REAPER, MIDGARD, BULGARKOTONOS, ROMULUS AGUSTULUS, DARK SLAVIK, SCARECROW, FAEELIN, and MATT all enter the core. They snap up their weapon and scan the place.

GRIMM REAPER
There they are.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
I think they’ve seen us.

SCARECROW
They don’t seem to be carrying any weapons.
Awesome.

WARD
Shoot ‘em.

The Crew raise their weapons and pull the triggers.

Nothing.

GRIMM REAPER
Seems the guns don’t work.

WARD
Then it’s a good old bare-knuckle fight.

BULGARKOTONOS
Sure.
Bare knuckle.
(wraps a chain around fist)

MIDGARD
Yep, bare knuckle.
(Pulls out a spiked mace from his belt)

SCARECROW
Let’s kick some ass.
(smashes beer bottle against rail, hefts jagged remainder)

The Ah.commers line up, hefting their various weapons, the CF.net lines up opposite of them.

LANDSHARK
Hey, looks it’s Matt.

MATT ducks his head.

WEAPON M
The fuck is he doing with them?

HENDRYK
Traitor!
He has betrayed us all!

WEAPON M
Kill ‘em all!

They charge one another.

Cut to.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – STORAGE ROOM – DAY

DOMINUSNOVUS walks slowly around THANDE who he has tied to a chair. In the background we can see the rest of the crew. FLOCCULENCIO, MICHAEL, LUAKEL, TORQUMADA, G.BONE, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN chained up.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Well, well, what do we have here.

THANDE
I guess it’s me?

DOMINUSNOVUS
(grins)
I like the way all you AH.commers talk back,
with your smart ass remarks and attempts at
being plucky when situations look like shit.

THANDE
It’s harder than it looks.
I just make it look easy.
(gives to OTHNIEL grin)

DOMINUSNOVUS punches THANDE.

DOMINUSNOVUS
See it’s much better on my ship.
We don’t need plucky quips.
We just kill people.

THANDE
Sounds, very…9th century of you.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Ward said to keep an eye on you,
the useless ones that were left behind.

MICHAEL
I’m not useless!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dude, you’re more useless than I am.

G.BONE
It’s true.

DOMINUSNOVUS
But he never said that you needed to be alive when he came back.

THANDE
Uhh…

DOMINUSNOVUS
Where’s your plucky quips now?

THANDE
Bugger.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

GREY WOLF and GBW head down the corridor.

GREY WOLF
They were rounded up and put in a storage room.
But which bloody one?

GBW
I think we need to invest in a brig or something.
That way we know where they’ll put everyone
when our crew gets captured on ship.

GREY WOLF
I have to agree there.

GBW
You know I’m not a traitor right?

GREY WOLF
Well, seeing as how you gave away
the passwords to entering our ship…

GBW
It had to be done. Doc needs to be stopped.

GREY WOLF
I know.

GBW
Is it possible to forgive me?

GREY WOLF
It’s too early, GBW.

GBW
What about the others?
Do you think…

GREY WOLF
I can’t speak for them.

GBW
I’m sorry.

GREY WOLF
It doesn’t matter.

GBW
He kicked us off the ship first.

GREY WOLF
Betrayal is still betrayal.

GBW
(hangs head)
I understand.

GREY WOLF
Though like you said, he’s controlled by something, so
I guess you didn’t really betray the captain or the crew.

GBW smiles with some relief.

INT. – STORAGE ROOM – DAY

DOMINUSNOVUS pulls out a long jagged knife.

DOMINUSNOVUS
I don’t like the way your ears stick out.
Let’s take care of that.

THANDE
My ears don’t stick out!
What do you mean…oh…
I see…

DOMINUSNOVUS advances.

TORQUMADA
Don’t worry, Thande, I’ll patch you up after this.

THANDE
Ack! Just kill me instead, Dominus!

TORQUMADA
Bastard.

Suddenly the door to the Storage Room bursts open; there stand GREY WOLF and GBW.

DOMINUSNOVUS
What the fu-

GREY WOLF flings his cricket bat, striking DOMINUSNOVUS in the side of the head. The other man falls unconscious to the floor.

GBW
Nice aim.

GREY WOLF
Thanks.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Awww.. I wanted to see Thande cut up.

THANDE
Shut up, Yank.
Or you’ll be sucking up chloroform in your cereal.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay, I’ll be nice.

MICHAEL
Hey, what’s with the traitor in our midst?
(glares at GBW)

GBW
I’ve learned the error of my ways?

GREY WOLF
Leave him alone, Michael.
He’s doing the right thing now.

MICHAEL
Bollocks. He’s the one that gave
Ward the keypass to the ship.

GBW
I had my reasons.

MICHAEL
Traitor!

FLOCCULENCIO
Shut the hell up, Michael.
I already told you what was up.

GBW
We don’t have much time now. We need
to get to the core and stop Doc.

MICHAEL
See. Traitor.

FLOCCULENCIO
Shut up, Michael.

GBW and GREY WOLF begin to untie the others.

G.BONE
What do we do with this one?
(points to Dominus)

THANDE
(grins)
Let me take care of him.
(picks up chain)

GREY WOLF
We need to get the other one.
Then we need to get to the core and stop MerryPrankster.

MICHAEL
Good luck finding some dumb arses to do that for you.

GREY WOLF
Michael, You’ve just volunteered.

MICHAEL
Bugger.

INT. – COMPUTER CORE CONTROL – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER looks at a monitor and frowns.

LEO CAESIUS
Heh, you see what I’m showing?

MERRYPRANKSTER
I do not like this obvious caricature of me.

LEO CAESIUS
You just don’t want to admit that
what I’m showing is true, right?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Well, I do not have such a small member.

LEO CAESIUS
I have scans of you.
I can generate a hologram showing every aspects of you.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Is this supposed to somehow stop me from
doing what I am attempting?

LEO CAESIUS
No, I’m just bored.
Being locked out of the ship’s main sensors and other
things leaves me with nothing to do but bother you.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I think I can shut off the volume somewhere…

MERRYPRANKSTER looks at another monitor and he frowns again.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I guess Grey Wolf did not go with Doctor What.
Right?

LEO CAESIUS is silent.

Pan to a monitor, it shows GREY WOLf walking down a corridor, looking about and carrying his cricket bat.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I thought as much.
Well, it seems you’ve lucked out.
I have to deal with this now.
But I’ll be back and we can deal with you spilling your secrets.

LEO CAESIUS
Oddly, I think you misjudge Grey’s ability to defend himself.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I seriously doubt it.

LEO CAESIUS
That’s the problem with you CF.nettes, you overestimate
your own abilities and underestimate those of others.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I’m not overestimating my abilities.
I know my abilities. As for underestimating…
(he grins and leaves)

There is a long silence after MERRYPRANKSTER leaves.

LEO CAESIUS
You can come in now.

GREY WOLF, MICHAEL, and GBW enter the Computer Core Room.

GBW
Good job with the making it look like Grey was by himself.

LEO CAESIUS
I may be limited in my functionality, but I can still do a few things.

GREY WOLF
Good. Michael, get to work.

MICHAEL
I’m always the one who has to fix Leo.

GBW
I did once.

MICHAEL
Right and we haven’t heard about it every day
and twice on Sunday, haven’t we?

GBW
This is the first time I’ve brought it up.

MICHAEL
Whatever.

GREY WOLF
I guess we can get the jump on Merry.

LEO CAESIUS
I think the others are on it…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER is walking down the corridor. Suddenly from around the bend stand FLOCCULENCIO, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE, and TORQUMADA.

FLOCCULENCIO
This is as far as you go, asshat.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Ah, so the traitor has shown his true colors.
Ward was right in not trusting you.

FLOCCULENCIO
Well, once you go AH.com, you don’t go back.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Wel, it’ll be a pleasure to kill you.
For the simple reason that you’ve interfered
with many of our own missions in the past.

G.BONE
You’re not getting off this ship.

MERRYPRANKSTER
And who’s gonna stop me?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We are.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Then try.

FLOCCULENCIO
Pretty ballsy of you, no?

MERRYPRANKSTER
I’ve been told already that I’m over confident in my own abilities.

FLOCCULENCIO
Well, time for a lesson to be learned.

MERRYPRANKSTER steps back and pulls out his katana, going into a stance and waiting for the others. The AH.commers pulls out various lengths of pipes and metal.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Time for a good old ass kicking.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I could have put it better, but yes you are correct.

The AH.commers charge MERRYPRANKSTER.

G.BONE gets there first and there is a clash of metal upon metal and a swift kick to G.BONE midsection sends him flying back into TORQUMADA, both crashing to the deck. TORQUMADA smashes his head against the deck and passes out. PSYCHOMELTDOWN swings his metal rod, MERRYPRANKSTER dodges out of the way and sends a punch into PSYCHOMETLDOWN’s throat that sends him staggering back gasping and choking. He drops his weapon and collapses against a bulkhead, going a little blue in the face.

FLOCCULENCIO and MERRYPRANKSTER face one another.

FLOCCULENCIO
They weren’t the best of fighters anyway.

G.BONE
(weakly)
Just let me…get to my …feet…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Grrk..hrrrk…gasp!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Oddly like the rest of the AH.commers.
Let’s hope you’re more of a challenge.

The two attack. A flurry of metal upon metal slashing, swings, dodges, and they separate, both breathing a little heavier.

MERRYPRANKSTER
More than I had thought.

FLOCCULENCIO
I’m not the layabout as everyone thinks. Occasionally I can do things.
Especially when it involves some violence upon fucktard Americans
who like to play with samurai swords.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(glances at sword)
Hey, it looks cool. No?

FLOCCULENCIO
True.

The two attack one another again. They swing, clash, circle, swing and clash again, neither getting an upper hand.

FLOCCULENCIO
Well, this could take forever.
Enough time for reinforcements to arrive.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Then enough playing.

They clash again, this time MERRYPRANKSTER gets in a slash across FLOCCULENCIO’s arm that causes him to stagger back. MERRYPRANKSTER goes in pushing that attack. FLOCCULENCIO meets the blade with his length of pipe. They clash and their weapons lock. They glare at one another, only inches apart.

MERRYPRANKSTER snaps his head forward, smashing it into FLOCCULENCIO’S face. The other man staggers back, a spray of blood from a shattered nose. MERRYPRANKSTER follows it up with a kick to his midsection, causing FLOCCULENCIO TO crash to the ground, moaning weakly.

MERRYPRANKSTER grins, lifting his sword.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I never understand why it is you guys
keep managing to bother us when we meet.
It’s not like you’re good at what you do.

LAUKEL
I think its because we look out for one another.

MERRYPRANKSTER looks up to see LUAKEL standing at the end of the corridor, a look of determination on his face.

MERRYPRANKSTER
And what is this?

LAUKEL
I think you’re welcome on this ship has just expired.

MERRYPRANKSTER
And you’re the one who’s gonna make me leave?

LAUKEL
Yes.

MERRYPRANKSTER rushes forward quickly, grabbing LUAKEL by the neck and slamming him against the bulkhead. LUAKEL stares wideeyed and scared.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Then let’s see how you’re gonna defeat me?
(Luakel stammers something incoherent)
Pathetic.

MERRYPRANKSTER punches LUAKEL, dropping him to the floor. LUAKEL gasps and chokes.

MERRYPRANKSTER looks down at him in disgust.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I’ll be back and we can discuss you’re inability to stop even a fly.

MERRYPRANKSTER leaves LUAKEL lying upon the deck, and walks back to the unconscious forms of the other AH.commers.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I have to take care of these ones first.

LAUKEL
You ever hear the saying, don’t turn your back on your enemy?

MERRYPRANKSTER turns around and his eyes widen.

LAUKEL
What about “Don’t bring a sword to a gun fight? “

Pan to LUAKEL and we see him holding a pistol in his hand.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I-

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

LUAKEL staggers up to the downed MERRYPRANKSTER.

He aims the pistol at MERRYPRANKSTER’s head.

A shot of MERRYPRANKSTER’s hand still upon the hilt of his sword.

LAUKEL
You think you’re so tough?
With your sharp sword and all?

A shot of MERRYPRANKSTER’s hand gripping the hilt of his sword.

LAUKEL (CONT.)

You think you’re the biggestbaddest people in the multiverse.
And a kid kicked you-

SNIKT!

There is a cry of pain.

Fade to Black.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – STORAGE ROOM – DAY

THANDE is tying up DOMINUSNOVUS in the chair he had previously been tied to.

THANDE
Let’s see how you liked being tied up.

THANDE fiddles with the knot.

THANDE
Bugger. How are you supposed to do this?
Ironyuppie makes it look so easy…

DOMINUSNOVUS
Here, let me show you.

THANDE looks up to see DOMINUSNOVUS glaring down at him.

THANDE
Crap.

DOMINUSNOVUS roars and tears off the yet to be tied bonds. THANDE lets out a shrill scream and races out the door. DOMINUSNOVUS pauses, picks up the jagged knife that was left behind, and runs after THANDE.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Come out, come out. Wherever you are.
I just mean to kill you, nothing too bad.

THANDE runs down a corridor and dodges into a door marked: THANDE’S CHEM ROOM! KEEP THE HELL OUT! THAT MEANS YOU STRAHA!!

He hunkers down behind a metal table.

THANDE
He’ll never find me in here…

BOOM!

The door to the Chem Room is kicked open and DOMINUSNOVUS enters.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Like all scared bastards, you run to a familiar place.

THANDE sighs. He looks up and sees the rows of chemicals lined on the table before him. THANDE grins.

THANDE
It would be best if you leave now.
Or else you’ll feel the wrath of a
Yorkshireman with a chemistry set.

DOMINUSNOVUS
I am shaking in my stylish boots.

THANDE
I warned you.

Something flies at DOMINUSNOVUS, he ducks it and it smashes against the bulkhead.

A moment later DOMINUSNOVUS wrinkles his nose.

DOMINUSNOVUS
That would smell more awfully, If you weren’t used to
Scarecrow not showering for weeks on end.

THANDE
What about this!

Another vial filled chemical is tossed at DOMINUSNOVUS. He ducks it again, this time a small cloud forms, DOMINUSNOVUS coughs.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Faeelin uses stronger colognes.
(shakes head)
Enough of this bullshit.

DOMINUSNOVUS rushes forward dodging frantically tossed vials by THANDE. He grabs THANDE by the throat and pushes him up against the table. Jagged knife inches from his face.

THANDE attempts to struggle, his hands reaching for any weapon. He grabs a hold of a glass container. He then smashes it into DOMINUSNOVUS’ face.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Arrrrgggghhhh!!!!

Smoke begins to rise from DOMINUSNOVUS’ face, as the other man staggers back and begins crashing around the Chemistry Room. THANDE grabs a stool and swings it at the occupied DOMINUSNOVUS, smashing him in the back. DOMINUSNOVUS collapses to the floor, groaning and face still smoking.

THANDE
You have to be careful with those acids.
(grins)

DOMINUSNOVUS (into comm)
Emergency transport.
Get us the hell out of here…

THANDE
Now to tie you up proper, this time.

DOMINUSNOVUS vanishes in a loud pop.

THANDE
Bugger.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

GBW and GREY WOLF race down the corridor, they come to a stop, a look of hoor and shock on their faces.

GBW
Luakel!

TORQUMADA is up.

TORQUMADA
Help me get him to the med bay.

GREY WOLF
What happened here?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is coughing raggedly.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(raspy voice)
That fucker Merry kicked all our asses.

G.BONE
We got a few shots in…

GBW
What happened to Luakel?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Merry.

GREY WOLF
(angry)
Where is he?

G.BONE
He teleported out of here.
Little Luakel gave him some hell though.
(coughs)
Where the hell did he get a pistol?

TORQUMADA
We need to move quick.
He’s in shock and he’s lost a lot of blood.
Alright on three.
One.
Two.
Three.

GREY WOLF and GBW grab the arms. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE grab the legs. GREY WOLF and GBW move, a few second later PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE follow.

G.BONE
Crickey, how the hell is he still even alive?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m thinking he’s evolved from a worm.

G.BONE
That would explain a lot…

INT. – AH.COM – MED BAY – DAY

GREY WOLF, GBW, THANDE, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MICHAEL, FLOCCULENCIO, TORQUAMADA, G.BONE, and what’s left of LUAKEL are all present.

GREY WOLF
(to Torq)
How is he?

TORQUMADA
Too early to tell.
He’s… I’m amazed he’s still alive.

FLOCCULENCIO
Damned little bugger.
Probably saved us all.

MICHAEL
Now we won’t hear the end of it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
He’ll be even more smug and lippy.

GBW
We’ve just been in a fight, but we still have another one to go.

The AH.commers look at GBW.

FLOCCULENCIO
He’s right.
We still have to deal with Doc.

GREY WOLF
This thing. This thing you say has control over him.
How to we stop it? How do we get Doc back?

GBW and FLOCCULENCIO exchange glances.

GBW
(clearing throat)
In order to save Doctor What.
He has to die.

Reaction shot.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT. – HUB STREET – DAY

People are still running around, the streets are crowded as they try to find somewhere safe. We see CHINGO360 and ALT. LUAKEL pushing their way through the crowds.

ALT. LUAKEL
Why the hell is everyone on the street/

CHINGO360
Dunno. But they’re making it hard to get home.

There’s a suddenly rumbling sound.

ALT. LUAKEL
what the hell is going on?

CHINGO360
I don’t know. But I think it’s not a good thing.

People begin screaming and pointing. CHINGO360 and ATL. LUAKEL look up to see a huge vortex forming in the sky above the Hub Station.

ALT. LUAKEL
I don’t think that’s a good thing.

CHINGO360
Yeah.

Something begins to exit from the vortex. Something black and terrifying.

ALT. LUAKEL
It looks like a giant bat…

CHINGO360
I think I just made water in my pants…

TO BE CONTINUED

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT.- AH.COM SHIP- MEDICAL BAY – DAY

We see TORQ sitting at a desk looking at various medical charts and scans. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in front of him. Sitting or standing in various spots of the Medical Bay are DIAMOND, LUAKEL, GREY WOLF, GBW, and IRONYUPPIE.

TORQ
(putting charts away and looking at DOCTOR WHAT )
Yup—it’s confirmed. DNA analysis proves it—ATTA’s kid is yours.
(beat )
I guess congratulations are in order, Doc.
You’re going to be a dad very soon.

We see DOCTOR WHAT grinning from ear to ear. Behind him, we see the reactions of the various crewmembers: DIAMOND looks mildly disgusted, LUAKEL looks very confused, GREY WOLF grins and pulls out a flask from his pocket and drinks a generous shot, GBW and IRONYUPPIE just shake their heads.

DOCTOR WHAT
(standing up )
Well—I’m off. Gotta see how ATTA is doing.

He leaves.

DIAMOND
So the kid’s going to be half-Neanderthal, huh?

TORQ
Pretty much. You learn something new everyday, it seems.

IRONYUPPIE
Doc is going to have a kid with a Neanderthal.
(glares at Torq )
I thought we had resolved this issue?

TORQ
I…I…
(hangs head )
I couldn’t go through with it.

IRONYUPPIE
(sighs )
Man–that’s going to be one hairy kid.

DIAMOND
(giggling )
Hopefully it takes after its mother and comes out not so hairy.

IRONYUPPIE
Good news for the Doc—I think being a parent will
be good for him. Too bad I don’t like her too much…

GBW
Guys—aren’t we forgetting the fact that ATTA is the
freaking Queen of a race of psychotic warriors that have
conquered or destroyed who knows how many worlds
and that WARD has vowed to spend the rest of his life
hunting down every single one of them? Don’t you think
that keeping her on board might be—oh, I don’t know—
dangerous?!

DIAMOND
We get our asses trashed every week and we survive—
like this is going to make things any different. In fact,
saying that our captain knocked up the Queen of a bunch
of psychotic world conquering multiverse spanning
empire could do some good for our rep.

]GBW
Depends on how you want our ‘rep’ to be seen.

THANDE
I thought we were going for a “We love Chemistry” reputation?

TORQ
In your methane sodden brain fantasy world, perhaps,
But I’ll be damned if I’m gonna support anything that
promotes the use or the continuation of chemistry!

GBW
(to Torq )
You realize that medicine relies heavily upon chemistry, right?

TORQ
That’s it! I’m not patching you up the next
time you get shot up on an away mission.

DIAMOND
I don’t think that’s much of a threat, Torq.
He never leaves the ship, much less goes on away missions.

GBW shakes his head and walks out.

DIAMOND
Man, GBW’s such a downer. What with all his logic
and pointing out the glaring obvious.

THANDE
I never get to leave the ship too..
(sighs )

INT. – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

We see ATTA lying down on a bed, resting. She is obviously very pregnant.

We see DOCTOR WHAT poke his head around a corner.

DOCTOR WHAT
(quiet shy voice )
Hi.

ATTA
(smiling )
Hi.

DOCTOR WHAT
(stammering )
I…ummm…I brought you some food and some water.

He brings in a tray filled with various bowls of food and a large pitcher of water and places it on a table next to her.

DOCTOR WHAT
How…how….how long?

ATTA
(smiles again )
Very soon—maybe just a few days.
Maybe even sooner.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning )
Cool. Ummm…I have to go.
You know…Captain stuff.

ATTA
(waving )
(smiles )
Bye-bye.

DOCTOR WHAT leaves.

ATTA
Finally—a moment’s peace!

ADIKOR
We must find a way to get back to our fleet, Mistress.

ATTA
You think I do no realize that?
But we have a better plan now.

ADIKOR
What is that, Mistress?

ATTA
We steal this ship.
Then we kill Ward.

INT.- AH.COM CORRIDOR-DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT walking down a very long corridor. The corridor is a mess—scorch marks everywhere, debris of all kinds scattered about, small chunks of the ceiling or wall missing, exposed wires showing, and so forth. We see several ah.commers running around making repairs or carrying supplies.

DOCTOR WHAT turns a corner and suddenly stops. He clutches his head and almost collapses next to a nearby wall.

CLOSE-UP – DOCTOR WHAT’S EYE

Flash of light F/X

A tranquil forest setting, late at night. There’s a bright moon shining down. A small village can be seen near a lake in the distance. Several people can be seen fishing, weaving clothes, talking or eating together. Suddenly a large shadow appears over them. They look up in fear.

View pulls back to reveal—

A gigantic black ship. It’s too big and too black for us to have a good look at it. It fires an impossibly bright white light at the camera.

View pulls back to reveal –

Earth as seen from space. A fist sized blue object. A flash of light appears on the Eurasian continent. We see an ugly looking dark spot. It spreads quickly, like a cancerous sore across the entire continent. Now Africa and Asia and Australia are consumed. Finally the American continents.

Earth has become a festering black globe rather than the familiar blue and green one.

Pan down to see an impossibly huge and black ship. We still can’t make out any details of the ship—it’s so big and so black that most details are obscured by the blackness of space.

Pan close to one section of the ship. We appear to slowly pass through the ship. We get tantalizing hints of corridors and rooms and bizarre machinery as we seem to tunnel through the ship. Finally we stop in a large chamber.

Even the room is black—black walls, black ceiling, black machinery—black everything.

Except for two things.

A large viewing window can be seen. We get a clear view of the dying Earth. Standing in front of the window is a human in a black uniform of some kind. We only see the person’s back but their blonde hair is in striking contrast to the blackness of everything around the person. The person suddenly turns around.

It’s Ian the Bartender.

Laughing.

Flash of light F/X

CLOSE-UP – DOCTOR WHAT’S EYE

We are back on board the AH.COM ship. We see DOCTOR WHAT leaning against the wall. He stands there, breathing heavily.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“REVELATIONS”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Bright stars.

Something dark floats across the view.

Pull out a big and focus on the object.

We see a dead Neanderthal, floating limply in space.

It slowly passes by the camera.

A moment later another Neanderthal floats by.

We pan the camera around and we see a ship not far away.

The CF.net.

We suddenly see something ejected from the ship.

Pull in on the object. It’s a Neanderthal, struggling vainly.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – OUTER AIRLOCK– DAY

WARD stands, arms folded, looking out a large window showing the inside of the airlock. Inside is a Neanderthal, banging frantically on the glass separating them.

WARD
Tell me again.
Why you shouldn’t join your friends?

Pan camera about.

We see GRIMM REAPER, MERRYPRANKSTER, and in cuffs KILNGIRL.

KILNGIRL
They weren’t friends.
More like work associates forced on me, due to being
captured by a crazy wench cavewoman who wanted me
to add some pretty amazing pieces of technology to an
old rust bucket of a hull they claimed was their flagship.

WARD
You built the cannon they used against us.

KILNGIRL
Well, the massive engineering aspects weren’t my doing. I merely showed
them the way to cut it out of a captured ship and integrate it into their systems.
There were no creating or building, simply scavenging and adding big guns
wilynily to a ship that wasn’t built for them.

Pan to the Neanderthal still pounding on the glass.

WARD
You helped them.
You worked for them.

KILNGIRL
I was forced into doing it.
Honestly, I would never have agreed to doing such a thing,
I mean at the price they were asking, hell no.

WARD slams his fist down on a big red button.

A light blinks silently and the airlock pops open.

The Neanderthal gives one last look of horror before flying out.

KILNGIRL
I wasn’t paid for my job.
So I broke their cannon.

WARD grins.

WARD
You are lucky, I have need for someone to fix my ship.

KILNGIRL
(grins )
Will I get paid?

WARD
You’ll keep your life.

WARD walks out.

KILNGIRL
Real nice guy, huh?

GRIMM REAPER
Indeed.

MERRY PRANKSTER
You’ll report to my office.
There are paperwork that needs to be filled.

KILNGIRL
You’re kidding right?

GRIMM REAPER
Now, if you’ll excuse us.
There is a funeral we have to attend.

The two leave.

KILNGIRL
Anyone gonna untie me?

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We see MATT, KIT and FLOC sitting at various stations. Like the rest of the ship, there are scorch marks and several damaged areas to the control room as well. KIT is looking at various screens on his control panel while MATT and FLOCC are sitting side by side at the navigation and helm stations.

FLOCC
Pretty wild with all this ‘Doc being a daddy’ stuff, huh?
I wonder how’s he feeling about all this?
(shakes head )
Heh! Can you imagine how messed up that kid’s going
to be with all of us babysitting him or her?
What do you think about all this, MATT?
(beat )
MATT?
(turns to face MATT )

MATT is lost in thought and staring out into space. He doesn’t seem to be paying much attention to anything.

FLOCC
Yo, MATT! Wake up!

MATT
(shaking head )
Huh? Wha?—oh yeah—pretty weird, yeah….

FLOCC
You okay dude?

MATT
(turning to face FLOCC )
Actually….
(beat )
No. I’m not. We just got through a battle against Ward, which is
never easy, then we got this ATTA chick on board and who claims
she knocked up with Doc’s kid, and finally Doc himself is acting
even more weirder than usual…
(shaking head again )
I’ve got a bad feeling about all this.

FLOCC
Hey, I know I’ve only been here for a short while but
so far we seem to have a knack of surviving all kinds
of crap in one piece. We’ll get through this like always.

MATT
It’s not just that—I’m really
worried about the Doc. I think that…

MATT is suddenly interrupted by the arrival of DOCTOR WHAT walking into the control room. He sits down in the command chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
Report!

MATT
Still no sign of the CF.NET or any other enemy.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good!
(flicking a switch on the chair )
DAVE! What’s the status of the ship?

DAVE HOWERY
(o.v. )
(frazzled voice )
It’s coming along. Just a few more hours.

DOCTOR WHAT
(annoyed voice )
You said that a few hours ago! How much longer will
it take for you to put my ship back together again?

DAVE HOWERY
(o.v. )
I’m not the one who got us into a firefight with the CF.NET!
You have any idea how badly they trashed us?! We’re lucky
the ship is still in any shape to be repaired!
It will take a few more hours to fix, okay?

DOCTOR WHAT
(still annoyed )
Fine. Let me know when you’re done.
(flicks switch off )

LANDSHARK and DIAMOND come into the control room. They walk up to MATT and FLOCC.

LANDSHARK
Shift change. Better not have warmed
my seat up too much, Yank.

MATT
(distracted )
Huh? Oh yeah—sure.

MATT and FLOCC get up and leave while LANDSHARK and DIAMOND take over their stations.

LANDSHARK
(To Diamond )
See, there, my scathing remarks have left him nigh speechless.

DIAMOND
(sardonically )
Yeah, Sharky. You’re the master of whit and rhetoric.

MATT
(sotto voce to FLOCC )
FLOCC—gotta talk to you in the Mess Hall…

INT. – ENGINEERING ROOM – DAY

DAVE HOWERY
(talking into communicator )
–lucky the ship is still in any shape to be repaired!
It will take a few more hours to fix, okay?

DOCTOR WHAT
(o.v. )
(annoyed voice )
Fine. Let me know when you’re done.

DAVE HOWERY lets out a deep sign. PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE and DMA are in the background making various repairs.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What’s going on, DAVE?

DAVE HOWERY
(sighs again )
I have no idea but ever since she got on board,
that crazy Canuck has gotten more and more irritating.

G.BONE
Well—she IS pregnant with his kid and
Ward was trying to kill her—that kind of
stuff is enough to make any guy act a little crazy…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Stop being the logical one! That’s GBW’s job!
Just get back to oiling that hinge.

G.BONE
Oh right—sorry about that—won’t happen again.

DAVE HOWERY
Bah! Women! Who needs them?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
In that case—can I have Kiera who
you’ve got stashed in your quarters?

DAVE HOWERY
No!
Touch her and you die, wrench monkey.

INT. – CF.NET – MESS HALL – DY

A feast is laid out and the crew is gathered around.

GRIMM REPAER, in a chef’s hat, enters bearing a large dish. Behind him comes MERRYPRANKSTER also carrying a large dish.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Hope, everyone’s hankering for some mashed potatoes.

The crew settles down and prepares to eat.

WARD rises to his feet.

WARD
Today we buried two of our comrades.
They were loyal and they did what needed doing.
When the ship was facing destruction, they gave
their lives to save all our hides. Let us give them a
moment of silence, for their sacrifice and for their valor.

Silence descends.

WARD
Our ship is shot to hell. We got our asses kicked by the AH.com.
(murmurs of anger )
Those dumbass sons of bitches kicked what is supposed
to be the most terrifying crew in the multiverse’s ass. That’s
a damned sad sight to witness. It’s time we stopped playing
nice and it’s time we killed them all.
(crew cheers in agreement )
Once we get the shift engine up, we’re going back to the Hub.
We’re gonna repair and refit, then we’re going to kill these
bastards, once and for all. Hear me?
{the crew cheers and whoops in response )
Now, let’s eat.

GRIMM REAPER
Someone, pass me those candied yams.

INT. – MESS HALL- DAY

We see GBW sitting at a table, deep in thought. He seems to be drinking a large glass of some kind of green fluid. There’s a half empty bottle of the green drink in front of him. GBW takes a sip of the drink and grimaces at the taste.

We see FLOCC and MATT come in. They’re in the middle of a conversation.

FLOCC
–is total bullshit, man! No way he did that!

MATT
I swear man, it’s the truth!

FLOCC
Doc almost killed an unarmed guy. OUR Doc?
The guy who freaks if he has to use a gun against
anything less dangerous than WARD, a Nazi. or
a giant evil purple dinosaur? That Doc?!

MATT
It’s not just that! Look—when GBW and I were
arguing about this last time, I didn’t believe it either!
But look at how much weirder he’s been acting lately!
There’s something pretty damn weird going on.

FLOCC
A whole fucking world got vaporized…

MATT
I thought that was the reason too but what’s with all the
mysterious running around looking for some kind of artifact
that could cause a Denial of Service?! We lost ANNA PYM
when that happened! He refuses to tell anyone why he needs
that! Tell me—what possible reason will he need something like that?

FLOCC
(dubious tone of voice )
Uh—maybe he…ummmm…
(beat )
(tries to sound more confident )
Well—look—why not try to ask him again?

GBW
(drinking another shot )
He won’t talk to us—not with her on board.

MATT
(glancing at GBW )
Yeah—that’s the other thing—I don’t trust that woman…
Things are already fucked up as it is, now add some creeped
out knocked up woman to the mix…

FLOCC
Okay, so she’s a bit a pain in the ass—what’s the big deal?
It’s only her and that big guy on the ship, it’s not like they’re
gonna make much in the ay of trouble.

GBW
She has her claws really deep into Doc or haven’t you noticed?
(turns to face FLOCC and MATT )
I don’t know how, but she’s got him and got him good. Doc is all lovey-dovey
over her but I swear I can feel that she’s up to something. Have you seen
the way he acts around her? Ye Gods—it’s like the Sharky and Yuppie show,
only with the mental abuse instead of the physical abuse! She shouts ‘Jump’
and Doc practically shouts back ‘How high?’

MATT
This is a whole messed up situation.
And that chick gives me the fucking creeps.

FLOCC
Ok, so she used to be leader of a universe-spanning empire that
hunted humans who claims now to have seen the light with the
help of Doc’s love and has renounced…all…that…stuff…
(beat )
(ponders this thought for a moment )
Yeah—ok—so that’s a bit unbelievable
even for us. What are we going to do?

GBW
We confront him of course!
Maybe make him see reason–!

VOICE
(o.v. )
Make WHO see reason, dude?

Camera pans over to show DOCTOR WHAT standing near the entrance of the Mess Hall. He looks really pissed off.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at GBW )
(angry voice )
Well?

GBW stares at Doc for a second, drinks a fortifying last drink in one gulp and gets up and staggers over to DOCTOR WHAT

GBW
She’s using you, Doc! I see this,
MATT sees this—all of us see it!

DOCTOR WHAT
(still angry )
You are walking on very thin ice, dude….

GBW
You’ve changed, man! I don’t know how it happened or
Why, but you’ve changed! Stop being a prick and tell us what’s going on!

DOCTOR WHAT
I have my reasons—and as captain, I don’t
have to share my reasons with my crew….

GBW
Crew?! CREW?! We’re your fucking friends! When we
all thought you died we mourned for you! We’re your
friends and we’re telling you that we’re worried about
you! That chick is bad news!

DOCTOR WHAT
(gritting his teeth )
That ‘chick’ is the woman I love and the mother of my kid.
Don’t say it! Don’t even think that word you’re going to say….

MATT
Uh—GBW, calm down for a -

GBW
She’s a bitch! A vicious bitch-queen from hell who has
you wrapped around her little finger and totally
mind-fucking with you! She’s using you!

DOCTOR WHAT screams and lunges at GBW. They both fall to the ground and start rolling. MATT and FLOCC jump in and pull them apart.

DOCTOR WHAT
(screaming )
GET OFF MY SHIP! GET THE HELL OFF MY SHIP!
AS OF RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NO LONGER A PART OF THIS CREW!

GBW looks stunned. MATT and FLOCC look at each in shock.

FLOCC
Hey, Doc, chill—there’s no need to—

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re taking his side now?! Hell—you’re not even
a part of this crew—you just been hanging around here
for the last few months mooching off of us! Get the hell
off my ship—I’ve had enough of you too!

FLOCC
Huh—what the—

MATT
Doc please—just take it easy. This is
fucking crazy, man—calm down…

DOCTOR WHAT
I AM CALM! With all the shit that has been happening
in the last few days, you think it’s easy keeping this ship
going? Do you?! Now I act a little weird for a few days and
you suddenly start a fucking mutiny against me!

MATT
What the fuck? What mutiny?!
Doc -what the hell is going on with –

DOCTOR WHAT
(quiet menacing voice )
Get out. Now.

MATT
(stunned voice )
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
You heard me, jarhead.
The three of you. Get the fuck off my ship.

GBW
But we’re in the middle of nowhere.

DOCTOR WHAT storms off to a communication panel and savagely hits a button.

DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE! Are the fucking Shift engines able to handle a Shift?

DAVE HOWERY
(confused voice )
Uh—yeah—I guess. Barely. They can do two or three jumps
in the condition they’re in, I think. I thought we were staying
ere for a while until things cool down and we’re finished with all the repairs?

DOCTOR WHAT
Change of plans! Do an immediate jump to the Hub.

DAVE HOWERY
What—we’re doing a booze run now?!
Ten point out of ten for style, Doc, but
minus a couple million for good sense…

DOCTOR WHAT
We are NOT doing a booze run! We’re just sticking around
for a few minutes until some people get off and then we’re jumping back.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh—okay. I’m firing up the Shift engines in just a few minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT shuts the communicator off.

DOCTOR WHAT
I want you off the ship with all your stuff within
five minutes of us getting there. Get packing.

DOCTOR WHAT storms off.

REACTION SHOT – MATT, FLOCC and GBW staring at one another in shock and confusion.

MATT
(shaking head )
Jesus Christ, what the fuck just happened here?

INT- HUB STATION- CORRIDOR- DAY

We see MATT, GBW and FLOCC walking down a corridor carrying large duffel bags. They walk for about 20 or so feet, stop and turn around.

We see DOCTOR WHAT, with an angry look on his face, standing at the far end of the corridor. He turns around and walks away. The doors shut behind him.

MATT
(angrily )
ASSHAT!

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WARD is sitting at his Command Chair, reading a report.

GRIMM REAPER walks up to him.

GRIMM REAPER
Captain, the new girl says the shift engines
will get us to the Hub. But just barely.

WARD
prepare the ship for shift.
(a pause )
Faster than I had thought they would get it done.

GRIMM REAPER
Well, at least we got a decent looking face on board.
I was tiring of only seeing my handsome visage upon this ship.

WARD
Best not say that too loud, or else Dominus will take offense to it.

GRIMM REAPER
(nods )
Are we taking the gloves off, sir?

WARD
Definitely.

GRIMM REAPER
A pity, I kinda enjoyed our run ins with the AH.com.
May I call dibs on torturing the AH.com crew, when
and if we do capture them?

WARD
Of course.

GRIMM REAPER
Excellent.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. HUB – DAY

We see the AH.COM ship slowly drift away from the Hub. After a few seconds, its maneuvering jets fire and it moves away at high speed. Up ahead of it, a huge swirling vortex slowly begins to form.

INT- HUB STATION- CORRIDOR- DAY

We see GBW, MATT and FLOCC standing around.

FLOCC
Well—this is all turning into a god-damn Greek tragedy!

GBW
What do we do?

MATT
(grim look on his face )
We don’t leave a member of the team behind. Ever.
(beat )
Even if he’s acting like an asshole.
(turns to the other two ex-ah.commers )
I’m going to need your help. I have a plan.

GBW
Is this plan logical and reasonable in any shape or form?

MATT
(shaking his head )
Not really, no….

GBW
I’m in—lead the way.

FLOCC
(drinking a shot from his flask of appletini )
Me too. What’s the plan?

MATT
We look up this guy I know who just might be able to help us.

FLOCC
What if this guy can’t help us?

MATT
Then we’re fucked.

GBW
You see? Logic and reason….

They all leave.

SOMEWHERE IN HUB CITY

EXT- STOREFRONT DOOR – DAY

We see a nondescript wooden door on a small building on an equally small street. Above the door can be seen a small sign on which is written simply ‘MrP’. There is an inscription written in Latin under it- Oculi vident solum quid mens intellegere potest .

MATT
The inscription—it’s different…

GBW
Why am I not surprised?
This place gives me the creeps, man…

FLOCC
You really think this guy could help us?

MATT shrugs his shoulders.

MATT
Not like we have many other choices….

They walk in.

INT. –LARGE ROOM- DAY

As before, we see a large room. The four walls are completely covered with huge bookcases that stretch all the way to the top of the 20 foot high ceiling. Piles of books are scattered here and there on the floor. Sitting on one pile of books is MrP still in a 19th century Victorian style suit and a scarf (wrapped loosely around his neck ) . MrP is reading from a large book titled ‘De Vermis Mysteriis’

MRP
(Looking up from his book )
Ah yes—I’ve been expecting you.

MATT
You were?

MRP
(standing up )
It was only a matter of time before the inevitable return of one
of the players in this little sordid melodrama we have here. I was
actually expecting your captain to be the one to come back but
I suppose he’s got far more important things occupying his time.

MATT
And that’s why we came here. We need information
and you’re the only one who can help us.

MRP
(cheerful tone )
Really now? How delightful…

MATT
Can you help us?

MRP
Help is a relative term, my dear friend. I don’t ‘help’.
I advise. I assist. I offer aid. I grant succor. I ameliorate,
alleviate, meliorate, palliate and –from time to time—
even mitigate. But I don’t ‘help’. Not part of the job description.

MATT
Well—can you do any of that for us?

MRP wraps his scarf tighter around his neck and turns and sits back down on the pile of books he was sitting on previously. He picks up his book and goes back to reading again.

After a few seconds he glances up.

MRP
Are you still here? Shoo!
(makes shooing gesture with his hand )
No charity cases. I run a business here. No more freebies.

MATT
Hey—how do you know we can’t pay you?!

MRP
(looking up from his book with a look of mild amusement )
Really now? How so? You guys are wandering around the
city with nothing except the contents of your duffel bags.

GBW
Hey—how did you know that?

MRP
(shrugging shoulders )
Hmmm….maybe it has something to do with—and I admit that
I may be going out on a limb here and making some unsubstantiated
assumptions– but perhaps it has something to do with the fact that
I am –what was it again?—oh yeah–an information broker and that
it is my business to know everything about everything and—for the
right price—share some of that, hmmm?
(goes back to reading )
(glances up after a few seconds )
You’re still here.

MATT
(grim voice )
Look, pal—I’m asking you nicely—we need your assistance.
We need to know what the hell is going on with the Doc and
I figure that you know more about the situation then you’re letting on.

MRP
Oh, I know what’s going on with the good doctor,
old chap. I know everything about it.

REACTION SHOT- MATT, GBW and FLOCC looking at MRP in shock.

MATT
You do?! Then tell us, man! We’ll figure out
some kind of payment or something…

MRP
What I have is worth a lot—far more than you can pay.
(beat )
Far more than you will be willing to pay.
(beat )
Now for the last time—shoo!
(makes shooing gesture again )

MATT stares at MRP for a few seconds in deep thought. Finally making a decision, he reaches into his holster and pulls out a gun and points it at MRP.

MATT
Tell me what’s going on!

MRP
(looking up with a slightly annoyed look on his face )
Again with the gun? What is with you ah.commers
and pulling out guns on everyone?
(shakes head sadly )
Do put the gun away before you hurt someone, old chap.
(goes back to reading )

MATT
(pulling back safety on the gun )
I’m not bluffing.

MRP
(standing up )
(smiling slightly )
Ah—but you ARE bluffing, dear chap.
I read you very well—you can’t and w
on’t kill an unarmed man. So this bluff
won’t work with me.

MATT
You folded pretty quick when the Doc did it and if you are
so good a reading people you’ll know that Doc—despite how
he’s been acting—would never have been able to go through with it.

MRP
Ah—but I did submit in the end for a very good reason.
(beat )
The Doctor that was threatening me wasn’t the same Doctor you know.

REACTION SHOT –the ah.commers in shock and confusion.

MATT stares at GBW and FLOCC for a few seconds, then turns back to MRP and raises his gun again.

MATT
And what the fuck is THAT suppose to mean?

MRP
I mean what I say and I say what I mean. The Doctor that was in
this room before isn’t the Doctor that you knew before his rather
spectacular death last year.

MATT
Bullshit! TORQ ran a million tests on Doc when we rescued him!
He wasn’t some brainwashed alternate, he wasn’t a clone, he wasn’t
some shapeshifter or alien! He was OUR Doctor! Hell—even the
cf.netters were convinced it was him and tried to kill him! When Ward
sets out to kill a specific person, he’s damn sure it’s the right person he kills.

MRP
(smiling )
And yet—the good Doctor was able to survive being on ground zero
of an explosion that destroyed a creature that is known across the
multiverse for destroying worlds? An explosion that tore apart the
very molecules that made up this creature? Are you telling me none
of you people were the least bit curious how he did that?

MATT
(uncertain )
There’s…there’s…lots of reasons how…

MRP
Name one.

GBW
He was on ground zero of an explosion that rips apart
the very particles of matter—there could have been some kind
of weird transdimensional vortex that opened up at that very spot.

MATT
Hell—we don’t even need that as an explanation. You have any idea
how many timelines we’ve visited? How many worlds we’ve actually
saved just in the last five years? I can name a dozen just off the top of
my head where we’re treated as heroes. All it would have taken was
one ship with a half-assed functioning teleporter to rescue him. The
only reason we didn’t do it ourselves was because the teleporter got
trashed in that fight. There are lots of worlds that could have sent a
ship to follow us and decide to help us out.

MRP
And where was he for three months?

MATT
Ummm…maybe…uh…

GBW
….being healed?…

MRP
Or perhaps….being prepared, hmmm?

FLOCC
Prepared? By who?

MRP
In your misguided sojourn across the universes, you’ve not
only made friends but also enemies. LOTS of enemies.
(shaking head )
Still can’t believe you people missed all the clues that this was coming.
And you call him a close friend.
(laughs )

GBW
What clues?

MRP
(shaking head and raising head and seemingly addressing the heavens )
“What fools these mortals be and what mortals be these fools.”
(beat )
(looking at the ah.commers )
Remember back on the giant ant planet? The one where all the
B-movie monsters were running around? You guys broke into
the head monster’s lair and the head monster actually caught
the Doc. Remember what happened?

MATT
Uh—the monster ate him….

MRP
Before that—the monster talked to the Doc, remember? And then—
when it got no response—only then did it try to eat him.

MATT is staring at MRP with barely disguised suspicion and hate.

MATT
How did you know that?

MRP
(bows )
Information broker, remember?
I make it my business to know yours and everyone elses’ business.
(beat )
Ok—how about that world where the U.S. took over Canada and
several members of your crew were trapped in a Toronto prison?
Remember all the artifacts you guys had been helping Doc hunt for—
ostensibly on behalf of Ian? What ever happened to them, hmmmm?
(beat )
How about when you guys met your future alternate selves? You had
to navigate your way through some big space labyrinth. The entire crew
needed to be put unconscious for one month. Remember how everyone
was having nightmares—except the Doc?

The three ah.commers are staring at one another in confusion.

MRP
How about when the Shift engine malfunctioned and threw the good Doc
into some weird dimension based on his own mind? Remember that?
Remember the strange black doorway that Kit was going to open before
Diamond stopped him? Remember what LEO said—that the doors were
symbolic doorways to aspects of his personality.
(beat )
(sighing at the confused looks on the ah.commers )
The Spanish Armada timeline? You guys went down there
to get a supply of Hardaeznite? The stuff they make crosstime
bombs from? Supposedly Doc gave it to Ian for safekeeping—
but did anyone of you actually see him give it?
(beat )
Remember the Denial of Service attack we had here?
You guys tried to get back to your ship but the Hub shuttle
malfunctioned. Doc got a “feeling”, uncharacteristically
seized the controls of the shuttle, and right away—lo and behold! –
you found a Hub ship. The Gateway. How’s that for being
freaking lucky? Or was it not luck? How about your second
run-in with that Hornblower psychobitch where she admitted
that she had been given specific orders not to harm any of
the crew. And—for some strange reason—her emphatic lie
detection didn’t work on Doc, hmmmm?

MATT, FLOCC and GBW are staring at one another in total shock, shaking their heads in confusion. MATT pulls his gun out again and points it at MRP.

MATT
Stop screwing around and tell us already! What
happened to him and how do we get him back?

MRP grins.

MRP
The answer to the first question is obvious.
As for the second question…
(smiles and sits back down on a pile of books )
There is one way to do so.

MATT
And you just happen to know it?

MRP
(theatrically spreads arms wide )
Ta-da!

FLOCC
And what’s the price for this tidbit of information?

GBW
Will you be actually specific or will you be cryptic?

MRP
The price depends entirely on the level of sacrifice
you deem worthwhile. Getting what you want is not
nearly as important as giving what you have.

GBW
Yup—cryptic it is.

MATT
We’ll do it.

MRP grins. It’s a very large and very creepy looking grin. One gets the impression that there are far too many teeth than a normal human should have.

MRP
Positively delightful…..
(beat )
Very well—this is what you must do….

INT. – HUB STATION DOCKING BAY- DAY

We see a particularly decrepit looking corridor. It’s dirty, dark and there are several stains on the metal and concrete that probably shouldn’t be examined too closely if you know what’s good for you.

The camera slowly pans down.

We see GBW, MATT and FLOCC.

GBW
This is dumb. This is really dumb
This is so incredibly dumb.

MATT
I know.

GBW
No—I don’t think you really do know! This is beyond
our usual level of dumbness. This is so incredibly
mind-bogglingly dumb that they have to invent
a whole new word to describe it!

FLOCC
You sure that we should be doing this?

MATT
Fuck no! I’m not sure of anything!
But it’s not like we have much choice!

FLOCC
Man’s got a point.

GBW
Still think this is stupid.

FLOCC
I second that.

MATT
I’m open to other suggestions.

Silence from the two other ah.commers.

MATT
Ok—let’s do this.

They walk 50 or so feet down the corridor and stop. Up ahead, we hear footsteps slowly coming closer. Two figures can be seen approaching the ah.commers through the darkness. They finally come closer into the light.

We see that it is WARD and GRIMM REAPER.

WARD
And what the hell is this?
Come looking for a neat place to die, boy?

GRIMM REAPER
Well, this definitely makes things a whole lot easier.

GBW
Our captain kicked us off his ship.

GRIMM REAPER
(to WARD )
Told you, sir.
What’s gone, as they say it, bat shit crazy.

WARD
The hell you say.

MATT
GBW’s right. He kicked us off.
He’s a complete fuck-up. A total loser.
We want nothing to do with him. Best
thing he could have done to us was kick us off.

WARD
Bullshit.
(beat )
So—you got ten seconds to tell me why
you called me here before I get Grimm
here to flame-broil your nuts off.

GRIMM REAPER smiles and pulls out a very large lighter and points it at the ah.commers.

MATT glances at the other ah.commers. FLOCC and GBW come to attention. MATT turns back to WARD and walks a few steps forward and stops, coming to attention as well.

MATT
On behalf of my two colleagues here, we hereby request that…..
(voice breaks a bit but he quickly recovers) )
–We hereby request permission to join the crew of the CF. NET….

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM –DAY

We see LANDSHARK, DIAMOND, WEAPON M, KIT and GREY WOLF sitting at various stations or standing around. DOCTOR WHAT comes in with ATTA on his arm. He walks to the front of the Control Room and turns to face the ah.commers.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s past time that I finally let you in on what’s
been happening here. What we’ve been doing
here and what we have to do.
(beat )
As you know, a few days ago the Hollow Earth
was destroyed. But before it was destroyed I was
able to touch the Shakti Stone. It gave me a vision
of the future—a vision that suddenly explained so much.
(beat )
(we see very confused and/or bored looks on the ah.commers )
Think about it. What is the best place to hide an enemy? The best place
to hide an agent? The best place to hide someone who will do you harm?
(beat )
In plain sight of course. Even better—you have them appear to be a member
on your own side. Nobody suspects what’s going one until its too late!
(beat )
We’ve had a few run ins with the ASBs so far. But think about it—most of their
plans have been foiled relatively easily. Strange isn’t it—how a supposedly super
powerful race of beings have been easily stopped? Maybe—just maybe—what’s
been going on is a show. A show for our behalf so that we can lulled into a false
sense of security. A false sense of complacency. A false sense of trust!
(beat )
(the ah.commers are looking at each other in confusion )
We are being used! There is an enemy who is toying with our minds!
Toying with our perceptions! Toying with our very souls!
(almost shouting now )
But no more! There will be NO repeat of the Hollow Earth! Not on our watch!
Not again! Not ever! I know what’s going to happen! I’ve SEEN it! And more
importantly—I know how to stop them! Once and for all!

LANDSHARK
(interrupting )
What the bloody hell are you talking about, man?

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling grimly )
We’re going to attack the Hub.

REACTION SHOT: Entire bridge crew gasping in shock.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- MESS HALL- DAY

We see OTHNIEL and GREY WOLF. OTHNIEL is giving a bottle to GREY WOLF.

OTHNIEL
Here—try this—you’ll like it!

GREY WOLF
(looking at bottle dubiously)
I’m not sure about this…

OTHNIEL
You’re the one who said that you wanted to try new things.
Well—this should definitely be new for you!

GREY WOLF
But what if something goes wrong?

OTHNIEL
Try it—when have I ever steered you wrong?

GREY WOLF ponders this for a second, shrugs his shoulders and chugs the bottle. He immediately starts choking and gasping and coughing.

GREY WOLF
(coughing)
Oh my God! What the hell is this stuff?!

OTHNIEL
(smiling)
It’s water!

GREY WOLF
(looking at bottle in utter confusion)
(saying word like it’s some strange foreign word)
Wah-ter?
(beat)
What is this…water…good for?
Do people actually drink this crap?

OTHNIEL rolls his eyes in disgust.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see GBW and DOCTOR WHAT walking down a corridor.

GBW
I don’t get it—of all possible timelines,
why go back to THAT one?

DOCTOR WHAT
Dude! Dinosaurs with friggin
lasers on their heads!
Pterodactyls! Giant magic
stones! Tarzan’s grandson!
Chicks with swords!
(sighs wistfully)
It will be so cool!

GBW
Cool? Matt almost fell into a sea of lava
and you almost got your head chopped
off by a crazed warlord! How can you
possibly think that place was cool?!

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at GBW with a pitying look)
Dude–Chicks. With. Swords.
(storms off)

GBW
Right–logic and reason….
(rolls eyes)

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“HARBINGERS”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

We see a vortex open up and the AH.COM ship settle into orbit around a familiar looking planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, GBW, and KIT are sitting at various stations.

DOCTOR WHAT
(really good mood)
Alrighty! LEO—prepare a couple of shuttles for—

LEO
ALERT! I am detecting a massive discharge
of energy from the Earth below!

MATT
Uh—wha–they’re attacking us?!

LEO
Negative! It is not a weapon discharge!
I am detecting….ummmmm….actually…
I’m not sure what the hell I’m detecting…

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? What’s going on?

LEO
As near as I can figure—the planet below
is undergoing massive alterations to the
localized time-space continuum.

MATT
Ummmm…and that means what in English?

LEO
The planet below is being….changed.
It is as if it’s being altered on the
quantum level. Reality itself is being replaced.

DOCTOR WHAT
Replaced? By what?

LEO
That’s the odd thing—I can’t seem to find any major changes
but my sensors indicate that it’s happening.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s happening in the Hollow Earth?

LEO
Unknown—sensors can’t penetrate that far.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voce)
Reality being replaced? No—it can’t be…could it?
(shakes head)
(normal voice)
LEO! Prepare two shuttles! Everyone—come with me!

The all rush out.

EXT. – NORTH POLE- DAY

We see two shuttles- Sibyl and Mímir – flying over a cloud-shrouded terrain made up mostly of ice and snow.

The clouds drift apart and we see that the shuttles are flying straight towards a large hole (several hundred feet across) in the surface of the ice. We see snow and mist swirling into the hole.

The shuttles fly into the hole at high speed.

EXT. – TUNNEL –DAY

We see the shuttles fly down the tunnel for a minute or so. We notice a bright white light at the end of the tunnel up ahead of the shuttles.

EXT. – JUNGLE- DAY

We see a very lush and brightly lit jungle. There is a large hole in the ground. We see the shuttles fly out of the hole at high speed.

We see the jungle stretch away from the shuttles—-and upwards. The horizon –instead of curving downwards—actually curves upwards. It continues upwards and actually appears to continue to meet thousands of miles above their heads. High overhead—roughly in the center—is a small bright sun.

One gets the distinct impression of being on the inner surface of an immense hollow ball.

The shuttles change course and fly towards a large fort-like structure off in the distance that has been built flush against a large mountain. Part of the structure is made from worked stone and looks quite old and has a vague monastery-like appearance to it. Directly in front of it—obviously heavily damaged—is a large wooden fort and palisade wall.

Way off in the distance behind the temple, however, is a wall of energy that bisects the entire Hollow Earth literally from Pole to Pole.

It is a wall of energy almost 8000 miles high.

And it is moving rapidly towards the temple.

INT. – SHUTTLE ‘MIMIR’ –DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, GBW and DIAMOND staring open-jawed at this spectacle.

DIAMOND
You have GOT to be FUCKING kidding me!

DOCTOR WHAT
Faster! Get to the temple faster, Matt!

We see the two shuttles kick into overdrive and fly towards the temple.

EXT- TEMPLE OF SHAMBALLA- DAY

We see literally dozens of people running in terror. Some of them stop and point up. We see the two shuttles come in for a landing. The ah.commers come out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get as many people on board as you can!

MATT
I don’t think we have enough room to fit that many!

DOCTOR WHAT
Then rip out the fucking seats if you have to!
Pack them in like sardines if necessary!

DOCTOR WHAT rushes off towards the entrance to the Temple.

MATT
Where the fuck are you going?!?

DOCTOR WHAT
There might be some people inside! I’ll be right back!

We see DOCTOR WHAT run off.

INT. –SHAKTI STONE OUTER CHAMBER- DAY

The doors have been left open here, allowing the giant crystal’s glow to illuminate the entire chamber. We hear DOCTOR WHAT’s voice.

DOCTOR WHAT (OV)
Hello?! Anyone here!? Hello?!

We see DOCTOR WHAT run into the chamber.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hello! Anyone in here-

We see DOCTOR WHAT stop and stare at the Stone.

TIGHT ON – DOCTOR WHAT’s eye.

Flash of light F/X

We are looking at what is clearly a flashback that DOCTOR WHAT is having.

DOCTOR WHAT is staring at the giant white crystalline Stone with a shocked look on his face. LORD GREYSTROKE is nearby.

DOCTOR WHAT
That stone…it must hold…it must harness…

LORD GREYSTROKE
…massive amounts of energy, yes. According to
the monks, the Stone can heal. Or destroy. It can
even give you visions of the future.
(beat)
Depending on the actions and
minds of those who possess it.

Flash of light F/X

Another flashback

DEMOS and DOCTOR WHAT are fighting with their swords. DOCTOR WHAT is jumping around evading Demos’ attacks, much to his obvious frustration.

DEMOS
Die already, you bastard! Stop jumping
around and accept your fate!

DOCTOR WHAT
(through clenched teeth as he parries several blows)
Not…going…to make it…easy…for…you…

DEMOS
I’ve waited my whole life to take over this world
and I WILL not allow some useless newcomer
stop me from my destiny!

DOCTOR WHAT
We newcomers seem to be doing a good job
in destroying your army, asshat!

DEMOS screams and launches a massive barrage of attacks on DOCTOR WHAT. DOCTOR WHAT is slowly being pushed towards the Stone by the attacks.

We see DOCTOR WHAT’s hand brush the Stone. There’s a spark of light.

TIGHT ON: DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes. For just a split second, they glow white.

We see just a quick flash of images—almost completely imperceptible.

Almost.

Flames. Dark shapes. Screams.

DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes turn back to normal.

DOCTOR WHAT trips and falls backwards onto the ground, dropping his sword in the process.

DOCTOR WHAT looks up to see DEMOS bringing the sword towards his neck…

Flash of light F/X

TIGHT ON – DOCTOR WHAT’s eye.

We are back in the present with DOCTOR WHAT still staring at the Stone, shaking his head in confusion.

FEMALE VOICE (o.v.)
You came back!

DOCTOR WHAT turns to face the voice.

DOCTOR WHAT
ANNA PYM!

We see a young woman standing by the doorway.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell is happening here, Anna?!

ANNA PYM
(depressed voice)
Our world…is being destroyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Who did this? How? WHY?!

ANNA PYM
(shaking head)
I don’t know…
(beat)
You are here with a shuttle?

DOCTOR WHAT
Two of them—my crew are rescuing
survivors as we speak.
We should be going too!

ANNA PYM
NO! We have to save the Stone!

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you nuts?!
We don’t have time!
We have to go NOW!

ANNA PYM
(shaking head defiantly)
No! Much power in the Stone!
It can help our people—many
OTHER people too! We can’t
allow it to be destroyed!

She rushes towards the Stone and grabs one of the handles of the metal ‘basket’ the Stone is resting in. Very slowly she starts moving it—but it’s obviously almost too heavy for her alone.

We see DOCTOR WHAT looking back and forth between ANNA and the doorway, obviously torn by indecision for a few seconds. Seemingly making up his mind, he takes a step or two away from her and towards the doorway…

…and stops.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah—fuck it!

He turns around and rushes back towards the Stone and starts helping ANNA move it.

EXT. – COURTYARD- DAY

We see the ah.commers moving people into the shuttles. MATT looks up at the sky.

We see the wall of energy is very close to the temple.

MATT
Doc—where the fuck are you?….

INT. TEMPLE CORRIDOR- DAY

We see ANNA PYM and DOCTOR WHAT moving the Stone down the corridor as fast as they can.

EXT. – COURTYARD- DAY

We see the wall of energy come into contact with the Inner Sun. For one brief instant it looks like the Inner Sun might survive.

But it doesn’t.

The Inner Sun suddenly vanishes before our eyes instantly—like it was simply erased.

The entire Hollow Earth is now plunged into Darkness for the first time in its existence. The entire Hollow Earth suddenly starts shaking as if the entire world is undergoing a massive earthquake. The only illumination comes from the giant wall of energy sweeping across the land.

It’s very close to the Temple now.

MATT and some of the AH.commers and survivors get thrown to the ground by the shaking.

INT. TEMPLE CORRIDOR- DAY

We see the entire Temple shaking violently. Both DOCTOR WHAT and ANNA PYM fall to the ground. The Stone wobbles for a second—and then falls as well.

Right on top of DOCTOR WHAT!

We see DOCTOR WHAT instinctively stretch out his hands to protect himself.

TIGHT ON—DOCTOR WHAT’s hands coming into contact with the Stone’s surface.

TIGHT ON- DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes. They glow for an instant.

Flash of light F/X

We see rapid flashes of images. And over the flashes of images—the sound of someone laughing maniacally.

Flames. Buildings on fire. Strange looking black spaceships firing lasers. Explosions. People running in panic through a crowded street.

The laughing sound gets louder.

The Hub. Pristine condition one instant—in complete ruins in the next. More strange looking black spaceships firing—five ships, now ten ships, now thirty ships, now over a hundred ships. Children screaming.

The laughing sound is almost deafening now.

The planet Earth—seen from high orbit– being consumed by flames. Now another Earth with slightly different looking continents being consumed as well. Now a third Earth being consumed. And a fourth…and a fifth…and a sixth. The flames glow brighter and brighter. It suddenly glows so bright that it hurts the eyes. The glow dissipates slightly to reveal….

Ian the Bartender.

Laughing maniacally.

Flash of light F/X

We are now back in the ‘present’.

We see that the Stone has fallen to one side of DOCTOR WHAT. But he’s not conscious. In fact—he undergoes violent convulsions for a few seconds—then it stops.

We see ANNA PYM shaking her head in confusion. The earthquakes are getting worse and clouds of dust and debris are falling all around her. It’s obvious that the Temple won’t survive very long. She’s looking frantically between the Stone and DOCTOR WHAT. Making her decision, she grabs DOCTOR WHAT and half carries/half drags him down the corridor.

EXT. – COURTYARD- DAY

The wall of energy is almost on top of the Temple. The ground has stopped shaking for the moment. We see MATT practically jumping from foot to foot.

We see ANNA PYM come out of the Temple entrance carrying DOCTOR WHAT. Matt rushes towards to ANNA PYM and helps her carry the semi-conscious DOCTOR WHAT into the very crowded shuttle.

The two shuttles practically leap off the ground and fly off. Behind them, we see the wall of energy sweep over the Temple.

EXT. JUNGLE- DAY

We see the two shuttles flying at maximum speed over the jungle. Below them, we see a panicked herd of T-Rexes running and growling. The wall of energy sweeps over them…

The two shuttles reach the Tunnel exit and do a loop the loop and fly into the tunnel.

EXT. –NORTH POLE TUNNEL- DAY

We see the two shuttles hurtling through the tunnel. Up ahead, we can see daylight.

Behind the shuttles–we see a wall of energy practically shooting up the tunnel after them.

EXT. -EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE – DAY

We see the two shuttles flying at high speed away from the Earth. The strange wall of energy is now sweeping across the surface of the Earth.

EXT. – SHUTTLES SIBYL AND MIMIR – DAY

We see the terrified faces of the Hollow Earth survivors and the ah.commers staring out of various portholes.

INT. – SHUTTLE ‘SIBYL’ – DAY

The shuttle is jam packed with people. DOCTOR WHAT and ANNA PYM are near the back. DOCTOR WHAT is conscious again—but he’s muttering incoherently and shaking his head in confusion.

EXT. – EARTH – DAY

We see the wall of energy completely envelop the Earth. For a few seconds it’s hidden from view. Then it reappears—seemingly unchanged.

The energy wave begins to expand away from the Earth into deep space—and towards the shuttles.

INT. – SHUTTLE ‘SIBYL’ –DAY

MATT
LEO! What the hell just happened to that world?

LEO (ov)
Nothing has happened to the surface of
the planet as near as I can ascertain but….
(trails off)

MATT
But what?! What else has happened?

LEO (ov)
As near as I can ascertain—this Earth now has
a solid core. It is now like every other Earth.
(beat)
The Hollow Earth interior has vanished completely.
(beat)
Uh…would both shuttles please hurry back to the ship
as soon as possible. The…energy wave… is expanding
away from the planet and will be reaching our position
is less than 3 minutes at current speeds. I have no desire
to find out what effects that wave will have on us.

MATT
(screaming into communicator)
You heard him guys! Double time! LEO—
prepare to Shift the moment we’re on board!

LEO
Already have the Shift engines on stand-by.
We’ll be Shifting just a few seconds after
the shuttles are safely aboard.

MATT
ETA 2 minutes.
(shuts off communicator)
(turns around)
Doc! ANNA! What the hell happened here?
What happened to Doc in the temple?
What’s going on here?

DOCTOR WHAT is still just shaking his head and mumbling.

ANNA PYM
(nearly in tears)
Robot thing arrived. Said the world was impossible.
An abomination. Began firing upon it.
Weep–all we’ve ever loved is gone.
(starts crying)

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

We see the two shuttles enter the shuttle bay of the ship. A few seconds later, the AH.COM Shifts away, seconds just before the energy wave sweeps over its location.

LATER

INT. –AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT walking through various corridors. He looks deep in thought, shaking his head every now and then and occasionally mumbling. It’s almost as if he is arguing with himself.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fire…chaos…pain…much pain…treachery.
(beat)
Why? How? Impossible! It can’t be!…
but that would be perfect plan, no?
(shakes head violently)
No! Impossible! Refuse to believe!
(beat)
But so much destruction…so much pain and
anguish…one world destroyed already…
can’t have another…
(beat)
But what if I’m wrong?
(beat)
And if I do nothing and proved right?
(shakes head again)
No! NO! I will not allow it to happen! Must stop it!
(beat)
But how? Must know for sure! Must find a way!
(beat)
(deep in thought)
(nodding head)
Yes—perhaps that might work…

FEMALE VOICE
Doctor What?

DOCTOR WHAT turns to see ANNA PYM.

DOCTOR WHAT
(embarrassed voice)
Ummmm…hello Anna. Your people—are they ok?

ANNA PYM
Yes—physically at any rate. This…Hub?…you are taking us too—
you say that it has connections to many other worlds?

DOCTOR WHAT
Literally millions—you and your people can find
a quiet corner somewhere in some quiet world
somewhere and start over. It’s the best we can do.

ANNA PYM moves closer to DOCTOR WHAT. She rests her hand on his shoulder.

ANNA PYM
I know about the Vision you saw. I had a very
brief one myself when the Stone fell.
(beat)
Your Vision appears to be much more
detailed than mine, though.

DOCTOR WHAT
Maybe because I was in contact
with the Stone longer than you?

ANNA PYM
Perhaps so.
(beat)
I will help you fight whoever did this to my world.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you.
(looks at her bleakly)
I think I have a plan…..

INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY

This particular section of the Ouroboros is dark and badly lit. The tables are old, wooden, and well marked with scratches and stains. Many, if not all, of the people sitting at the tables (those whose faces can be seen) look like the type of people one would be disinclined to turn your back on.

We see MATT and GBW walk in. They look around dubiously.

GBW
Are you sure he told us to meet him here?

MATT
Quite sure.

GBW
(looking warily around)
I’m not entirely sure if some of these people are even human.
(looks at Matt)
Can I have one of your guns for protection?

MATT
(shaking his head)
I’ll advise against using a gun on these guys.

GBW
Why—worried that I don’t know how to use it?

MATT
(looking at the customers around them)
Not that—I think shooting them will just piss them off….

They look around and spot—off in the distance—DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting across the table from a seedy STRANGER who is covered from head to toe in a grungy grey robe and hood. Only his eyes—which appear to be glowing red—can be seen.

MATT and GBW walk towards the duo. As they get close to them, they pick up the last bit of their conversation.

THE STRANGER
…the one to meet. If he can’t help, then nobody else can.

DOCTOR WHAT nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for the info.

THE STRANGER
(nearly growling)
Now—my payment!

DOCTOR WHAT reaches into a large satchel at his feet and pulls out a small black velvet bag and puts it onto the table. We hear an audible ‘clinking’ sound as he does so. THE STRANGER snatches up the bag with clawed hand and hides it in a pocket in his robe.

THE STRANGER
(angrily)
The rest of it!

DOCTOR WHAT nods again and pulls out a large box wrapped in nondescript brown paper and slides it over to THE STRANGER. THE STRANGER looks at the package greedily.

THE STRANGER
(licking lips)
Is it…is it…?…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes— ‘Asian Lesbian Ninjas in Leather’,
the complete works of ‘Pandora Peaks’ and
‘The Erotic Rituals of the Latex Nun Society’.
(beat)
The director’s cut.

THE STRANGER holds the package to his chest and rushes out past MATT and GBW, who have been quietly watching all this.

DOCTOR WHAT gets up from the table.

DOCTOR WHAT
Gentlemen—we have business to attend to.

DOC walks away towards one of the exits. MATT and GBW stare at each other for a few seconds, shrug their shoulders and follow DOCTOR WHAT.

END ACT I

ACT II

SOMEWHERE IN HUB CITY

EXT- STOREFRONT DOOR – DAY

We see a nondescript wooden door on a small building on an equally small street. Above the door can be seen a small sign on which is written simply ‘MrP’. There is an inscription written in Latin under it- Intra, qui scientiam quaerit. DOCTOR WHAT, MATT and GBW are standing by it. With a slightly confused look on his face, DOCTOR WHAT opens the door and walks in, followed by MATT and GBW.

INT. –LARGE ROOM- DAY

We see a large room. The four walls are completely covered with huge bookcases that stretch all the way to the top of the 20 foot high ceiling. Piles of books are scattered here and there on the floor. Sitting on one pile of books is a man in a 19th century Victorian style suit—complete with a frock coat and a scarf (wrapped loosely around his neck). The man is reading from a large book titled ‘Seven Cryptical Books of Hsan’. This man is MrP.

MRP
Alright! Stop skulking around!

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh—uh—we weren’t skulking. I just didn’t know…

MR.P
Common enough disease not knowing.
Sit down on those piles of books there.
(indicates several large piles about three feet high)

The three ah.commers sit down.

MR.P
Now—what can I do for you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Ummm…I’m not sure if I’m in the right place….

MR.P
Of course you’re in the right place—you want what I got.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—what have you got?

MR. P
Ointments. Salves. Powders. Sovereign remedies.
Nectars. Lotus blossoms. Toxics. Tonics.
Anti-toxins. Deductions. Concoctions.
And potions.
(beat)
All guaranteed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—sorry man—I guess I’ve made a mistake.
I’m not here for any of that stuff—I’m here for
–uh—ah forget about it—it’s nothing…
(gets up to leave)

MR.P
Nothing I don’t supply. Something is my specialty.
Anything is what you can get here.

DOCTOR WHAT looks at MR.P dubiously for a few seconds—then reluctantly sits down.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m looking for….information. I have many questions.

MR.P
Questions are a burden to others.
Answers are prison for oneself.

DOCTOR WHAT
Do you always speak so cryptically?

MR.P
I speak only the truth—from a certain
point of view. You will learn that at some point.

DOCTOR WHAT
When will THAT be?

MR.P
One learns only when the mind wants to and not at set times.

DOCTOR WHAT, GBW and MATT exchange glances. DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes theatrically and turns his attention back at MR.P.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alrighty. I need information.

MR.P
On what topic or item in particular?

DOCTOR WHAT
Remember a little while back with
the Denial of Service unpleasantness here?

MR.P
How can one forget?

DOCTOR WHAT
Rumour has it that you know where
I can get a device that can do that.

MATT and GBW look at each other in shock.

GBW
Uh—Doc—why the heck do you need something like that…?

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
Shut up GBW! I’m talking here!
(turning back to MR.P)
Well?

MR.P just smiles.

MR.P
Now, now—that would be rather dangerous…

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m prepared to pay any price!

MR.P
Indeed. But I’m not prepared
to accept that price just yet.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry tone)
Do you know where I can find one?

MR.P
(defiantly)
Yes.

There is a very long pause.

DOCTOR WHAT
(barely held fury)
Well?

MR.P
Not going to tell you. You really don’t know
what the price is if you do this…

We see DOCTOR WHAT staring at MR.P for a long moment. He suddenly takes a deep breath and turns and walks towards MATT.

DOCTOR WHAT
MATT—a moment of your time…

MATT
(confused look)
Uh…sure…what?…

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly pulls MATT’s pistol from his belt and turns around and thrusts the pistol into MR.P’s face.

DOCTOR WHAT
(screaming)
TELL ME!!

Reaction shot: MATT and GBW in shock at this.

GBW
(terrified voice)
Holy crap! Doc! Calm down! It’s –

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
For the last time dude—
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!
(turns back to MR.P)
Tell me!

MR.P is staring at DOCTOR WHAT—almost the same way that a scientist would look at a strange and unusual bug. There is no fear on his face— curiosity, maybe even mild amusement—but no fear at all.

MR.P
Oh do put the gun away, Doctor What—you and
I both know this act you’re putting on isn’t real.
You don’t have it in you to actually shoot someone
in cold blood—especially someone who’s unarmed.
Now do put the gun away before someone really gets hurt.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sticking gun closer to MR.P’s face)
Do I LOOK like I’m bluffing?

MR.P stares at DOCTOR WHAT for a few seconds—and suddenly lets out a gasp of shock.

MR.P
You…you really would, would you?

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling in a very unwholesome manner)
You’re the information broker—you tell me.
(beat)
Now…about that item……

EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – DAY

We see a vortex open up and the AH.COM ship appear. It settles into orbit around the planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM –DAY

We see various ah.commers at their stations. DOCTOR WHAT is at his captain’s chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO! Commence scans—look for a large T-shaped
stone fortress. It should be located in the area that
corresponds to the OTL Rocky Mountains near Denver.

LEO
Scanning….scanning….scanning….found it! It’s located
approximately 20 miles from a large crater that corresponds
to the location of OTL Denver.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great! GBW, MATT, WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE—come with me.
(hits comm. button on chair)
G.BONE! You better have those teleporters working THIS time.

G.BONE (o.v.)
They’re working! But there’s some weird scattering field
around that fortress—I can’t beam you guys in directly
but only about 200 yards away or so at best.

DOCTOR WHAT
Best we can. We’ll be down there in a minute.

G.BONE
(o.v.)
Hey Doc—what is all this about anyway?
What’s so important down there?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll explain everything later—just trust me on this okay?
(flicks comm button off)
(addressing crew)
Shall we?

He walks out the control room, followed by WEAPON M, and IRONYUPPIE. GBW glances at MATT, who just gives a helpless shrug and follows. GBW shakes his head and after a moment also follows.

INT. – AH.COM CORRIDOR- DAY

We see the ah.commers walking down the corridor. GBW turns to MATT.

GBW
(sotto voce to MATT)
Dude—what the hell is all this about?

MATT
(sotto voce to GBW)
Don’t know but we’ll find out soon.

GBW
Look—I’m really worried about the DOC—
I never saw him lose it with someone like that before….

MATT
Neither have I. But look—a whole fucking world got zapped
by something that looked like one of those crosstime explosions
we’ve seen. We only managed to save a few dozen people out
of who knows how many millions of people that lived on that
Hollow Earth. I don’t blame the DOC for acting a bit weird—
truth be told, I’m still in shock over what happened myself.

GBW
But DOC pulled a gun on an unarmed guy!

MATT
On a guy who was fucking us around and who had info
on a device that DOC thinks could help us fight whoever
did that. Truth be told, I was tempted myself.
(beat)
Never thought the DOC had that in him to be honest though….
(concerned look crosses MATT’s face)

GBW
Who do you think did this?

MATT
We’ve only seen that kind of shit a few times, remember—
most had either the ASBs or the Fallen involved.

GBW
(shakes head)
This is not good at all. Not good at all.
We are going to get so fucked.
(beat)
And not in a good way.

MATT
Did I ever mention I really hate it
when you use logic and reason?

They walk to the Teleporter Room. ANN PYM is waiting for them there.

DOCTOR WHAT
ANN! What are you doing here?

ANN PYM
I’m coming down with you.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking head)
No! It’s very dangerous! Your people need you—

ANN PYM
My people don’t need me! They’ve found a place and
started a new life. But they need justice more than they
need one more person! I’m going down to the planet and
there’s nothing that you can say or do to convince me otherwise!

ANN pulls out a BFG and storms into the Teleporter room.

DOCTOR WHAT, GBW and MATT exchange glances.

MATT
Lady knows what she wants.

DOCTOR WHAT
Indeed.

GBW
Chicks with guns beats out chicks
with swords, huh Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
We should have more chicks with guns on board.

GBW
We have IRONYUPPIE.

Both DOCTOR WHAT and MATT look at GBW with disdainful looks on their faces.

GBW
(shaking head)
Right. Logic and reason….

They walk into the Teleporter Room.

EXT. –MOUNTAIN FOREST- NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT, WEAPON M, MATT, GBW, IRONYUPPIE and ANN PYM appear in a blaze of light. They fan out and crawl towards a large outcropping of rock. They look cautiously above it.

We see a large fortress built into the side of a hill. We see two guards near a large entrance.

MATT
What is this place?

DOCTOR WHAT
Believe it or not, it’s a monastery. Run by a
group called the Holy Order of the Crimson Shield.

WEAPON M
Monks? You brought us down to
fight a bunch of wussy monks?

IRONYUPPIE
Really annoyed here, Bruno—
I was expecting a challenge….

DOCTOR WHAT
Did I mention that the monks
nuked Denver in this timeline?
Or did you forget that LEO said that
there’s a crater where Denver used to be?

The rest of the ah.commers glance at one another and then look back at the fortress.

MATT
Damn!

GBW
I, for one, am very impressed.

WEAPON M
Wussy monks with nukes! Wow!

IRONYUPPIE
I find that strangely arousing.

DOCTOR WHAT
Move out!

INT. – MONASTERY CORRIDOR – DAY

We see a corridor. There’s a few flickering torches here and there on various walls. The whole place has a definite medieval feel to it. Shadows appear at the far end of the corridor. We suddenly see WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE appear around the corner and head towards us. Following right behind them are DOCTOR WHAT and ANN PYM. Behind them, bringing up the rear, is GBW and MATT.

They rush towards the camera and stop, catching their breath.

GBW
That was close.

IRONYUPPIE
How many of these guys are there?

DOCTOR WHAT
More than ‘many’, less than ‘a lot’.

MATT
Monks! On Mechs! With laser guns!

WEAPON M
You gotta admit—monks in mechs
with laser guns are pretty fucking cool….

DOCTOR WHAT
Come on—this way!

They rush down the corridor.

INT. – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

We see the ah.commers appear in front of two large imposing metal doors.

DOCTOR WHAT
(indicating doors)
MATT—you may…indulge yourself.

IRONYUPPIE
What? In public?

MATT grins and walks towards the doors. He reaches into his shirt and pulls out a brick size beige colored object.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—MATT—isn’t that a bit big for our purposes?

MATT
There are very few problems in this universe that
can’t be solved by the judicious use of explosives.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wasn’t there suppose to be a
‘patience and logic‘ part in that line?

MATT gives DOCTOR WHAT a dirty look.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yeah. Right. Sorry about that….

MATT places the plastic explosives against the doors and sets the fuse.

MATT
Run!

They all rush down the corridor and duck behind various alcoves.

TIGHT ON – Doors.

The doors suddenly explode with a devastating explosion, sending debris and flames and smoke in every direction.

The ah.commers rush into the chamber.

INT. – CHAMBER – DAY

We see a large pentagon shaped stone chamber. On a small raise dais in the center is a three foot high pedestal. On it is a large red object about the size of a person’s head. It looks like a four side pyramid but the eyes get blurry when they look at the object and one sees six or seven or even eight sides to the pyramid, depending on the angle you look at it.

It’s glowing a bright red color.

MATT
Yup—that’s a weird
Artifact of Power™
if I ever saw one!

GBW
You know, I could point out that that thing is breaking about
two or three laws of physics just by the way it’s acting just
sitting there but I’m getting tired of being the logical one here…

IRONYUPPIE
So now what?

DOCTOR WHAT
Simple-
(walks over to the Artifact)
We grab it.
(picks it up)
And we run like hell before
the intruder alarms kick in!

WEAPON M
When will that be?

Alarms suddenly start going off throughout the entire fortress.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right about now would be my guess.

They all rush down the corridor.

INT. –LARGE ROOM –DAY

We see the ah.commers rush into the room from a side corridor, GBW and MATT frantically providing covering fire to their rear. WEAPON M and IRONYUPPIE are in front and DOCTOR WHAT and ANN PYM are in the center. DOCTOR WHAT is holding the artifact in one hand and awkwardly holding a BFG in the other.

We suddenly see three large Mechas (about ten feet high or so) appear around the corner of another corridor and advance towards the ah.commers.

LEAD MECHA
(booming voice)
YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE RELIQUARY AND
DEFILED THE MONASTERY WITH YOUR PRESENCE!
YOU MUST BE PURIFIED!

They open fire.

MATT
SCATTER!

GBW
Why the fuck do religious types always
think purifying folk is killing folk?

MATT
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND RUN!

All the ah.commers hit the ground and roll out of the way of the weapon fire, finding a few places of cover. A barrage of bullets hit the wall and ceiling of the area near the ah.commers and within seconds the entire area is obscured by massive clouds of dust and debris.

WEAPON M
Grenade launchers—fire!

IRONYUPPIE, WEAPON M and MATT poke their heads out for a brief instant and open fire on the Mechas with their grenades. The three Mechas explode, sending their riders sprawling to the ground in an unmoving heap.

MATT
Move everyone! We have to get to the
transporter coordinates before more
reinforcements arrive!

They start moving towards the the front doors.

CLOSE-UP- Fallen soldier.

We see one of the soldiers that was in the Mecha lying on the ground in a bloody heap. He twitches his arm and slowly opens his eyes. He hesitantly pulls out a handgun and aims at the ah.commers.

POV-HANDGUN

We see the gun is aimed directly at DOCTOR WHAT’s head.

CLOSE-UP – Finger slowly squeezing on trigger.

ANN PYM
LOOK OUT!
(pushes DOCTOR WHAT out of the way just as the gun fires)

ANN PYM and DOCTOR WHAT fall in a heap on the ground as the other ah.commers open fire on the soldier, killing him instantly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for the help ANN.
(beat)
ANN?

CLOSE-UP—we see that ANN PYM has been shot. She’s clearly dead and beyond help.

DOCTOR WHAT
ANN!!!

We see six more Mechas come charging into the chamber from several side corridors, firing at will. The entire chamber becomes a free for all, with everyone firing in every direction. In all the chaos and confusion, the ah.commers manage to slowly make their way to the doors, dragging a very reluctant DOCTOR WHAT with them.

WEAPON M
(physically carrying DOCTOR WHAT)
COME ON! We have to move!
There’s nothing we can do for her!

The ah.commers rush out of the fortress, followed close behind by several Mechas.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. –AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM –DAY

We see about a dozen or so of the ah.commers either at various stations or standing around. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in the control chair with his head his arms.

GBW
Shift completed—we’re in another timeline.

DOCTOR WHAT
(semi-dazed voice)
Right. Good job.

DOCTOR WHAT takes a deep breath and slowly stands up and walks towards the front of the Control Room. He lets out a deep sigh. He turns around and addresses the group.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok people—it’s time that I fill you in what’s been happening.
I know that I’ve done some…questionable…things lately. But
there’s a good reason for everything. I want to state that I am
glad that most of you were willing to accept my orders without
comment. But now it’s time to fill you in on what’s going on.
(beat)
It took me a while to figure everything out and there’s still
a few details I’m fuzzy on but this is what’s going on.
(takes a deep breath)
When we were on the Hollow Earth,
I touched the Stone. The Stone gave me a—

LEO
ALERT! Wormhole opening up less than 1000 kilometers away!

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking up at LEO’s ‘eye’)
What the hell?! A Shift wormhole?!

LEO
Affirmative! On screen now!

The viewscreen switches on to show a large multicolored worm appearing nearby. Out of the wormhole appears a ship of strange design, but still oddly familiar…

We see that it has a black hull and a symbol of a red sun with a white hand in the center.

It flies out of the Wormhole. Seconds later we see—

The CF.NET ship.

Both ships are blasting furiously away at one another with their lasers. Both ships can be seen to be damaged in several places from weapons fire. They continue firing at each other.

The first ship suddenly changes course.

Straight towards the AH.COM ship!

The CF.NET ship alters course as well—straight towards the AH.COM ship as well.

FLOCCULENCIO
Oh crap!

GBW
Oh—this is SO not good!

MATT
We are so fucked.

DOCTOR WHAT
So fucking fucked.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITSHAR

TEASER

INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT

DOCTOR WHAT stands on the bridge of the starship GATEWAY. He and his crew stare at a holographic viewscreen at the front of the bridge, showing an old man sporting a grey uniform and a white handlebar moustache. ADMIRAL WHITEY delivers an ultimatum with an understated sneer.

ADMIRAL WHITEY
This is Admiral Whitey of the battleship Pride of Atlanta.
Ah represent the Interplanetary Domination of the Confederate States of America.
Y’all may have heard of us as the Domination of Dixie.
(Several crew members snicker. STRAHA mouths “Whitey” in amazement)
Ah am well aware that y’all are a courier ship carrying news of the rebel attack on the Hub.
Ah am well aware that y’all are taking the news to the Hub Administration.
We would quite like to know where that is.
If y’all all would be so kind as to surrender your vessel voluntarily,
ah will personally ensure that y’all will be enslaved in the most courteous manner.
Otherwise, we will have to torture you to death.
You have five minutes to respond.

DOCTOR WHAT makes a cutting motion with his hand, and the viewscreen disappears.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay.
GATEWAY, I think it’s official that this guy constitutes a hostile force.
Your programming should let you take action to defend yourself.

GATEWAY
Engines engaged.
However, our tactical options are limited.
I am detecting more Dixie ships shifting in at longer range.
They have us surrounded. Shifting is useless, the damage you
waterbags have done to my systems makes it too easy to follow us.
Our only option is to try to take cover among the moons of Jupiter.
Then we wait for the reactivation of the Hub network.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Allow me to register my vote for the “run and hide” strategy.

MATT
Hey, GATEWAY.
What kind of weapons does this thing have?

GATEWAY
The ship is heavily armed, but unfortunately the weapons are useless.

MATT
Unlock the controls!

GATEWAY
It’s not the controls that are the problem.
For security reasons, the ship doesn’t have a targeting computer.
Only a Gunnery Daemon can activate and aim the weapons. Problem is,
we don’t seem to have any Daemons on board.
Funny thing, that.

MICHAEL
No problem.
I’ll hack it!
I hacked the shuttle!

DOCTOR WHAT shoots MICHAEL a dirty look.

GATEWAY
There’s nothing to hack, unless you’re going to pull a targeting
computer out of one of your barely distinguishable orifices.

DOCTOR WHAT
PSYCHOMELTDOWN, you’re the only engineer we’ve got.
Can you come up with anything?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well… maybe I could build a targeting computer.
But, uh, we usually stea… borrow our parts.
It would be really complicated to build one from scratch.
(To GATEWAY)
Hey, what kind of manufacturing tools does this ship have?

GATEWAY
I am equipped with a full molecular synthesis and replication facility.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Holy shit!
You can make anything?!

GATEWAY
Anything I have the schematics for.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Do you have the schematics for a Gunnery Daemon?

GATEWAY
No.
I can replicate spare body parts for Daemons.
However, for security reasons, I don’t have copies
of the core AI program that actually runs it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
SHIT!

GBW
Wait a minute.
What if we replicated parts for a Gunnery Daemon,
and then used an AI of our own to run it?

STRAHA
Yeah, I’m sure you’ve got mad skillz GBW, but you couldn’t
write an AI to save your life. Even if you were going to
be killed, like, some time late next year.

MATT elbows STRAHA to shut him up. He uses excessive force.

GBW
We don’t have to write an AI program.
Psycho already has one, don’t you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What?
No I don’t.

GBW
I mean the one on that memory card
you always keep stuffed inside your underwear.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t have any…

GREY WOLF
Everybody knows about it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Looking embarassed)
Fine then.
I’ll go get on it.

DOCTOR WHAT
GBW, have I ever told you you’re a genius?

GBW
Um, no, definitely not.

INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY REPLICATOR ROOM – DAY SHIFT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN sits at a terminal displaying the schematics of a robot labelled “Gunnery Daemon”.
He is paging through options and muttering to himself.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey… these parts are modular!
I could put the Gunnery Daemon CPU into any body…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN pages through different robot body options on the terminal.
He stops when he hits one labelled “android”, showing a Terminator-style robotic skeleton.
He clicks an option labelled “appearance selection”.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Now we’re getting somewhere…

FADE TO BLACK

INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY REPLICATOR ROOM – DAY SHIFT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN reaches into his pants and roots around for a while. His hand emerges holding a small memory card, which he inserts into a slot in the terminal. He presses a button, and the display reads “AI memory loaded”.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh yes… I’ve waited so long for a CPU powerful enough
to run you, a body to do you justice…

VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
DOCTOR WHAT to PSYCHOMELTDOWN.
How’s it going down there?
We’ve hidden behind Jupiter but we’ve got
only twenty minutes until we’re intercepted.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No problem doc, no problem.
I just need another five minutes.
No, another ten minutes.
(Closes comm link)
Here goes nothing…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN activates the android. A slim, red-headed woman turns to him and smiles.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Hi!
Oh my… I can’t believe my new owner
is such an unbearably sexy man.

The android licks her lips. PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s face degenerates into a lecherous grin… and then a grimace, as he groans and his body jerks.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn.
I hate it when that happens.
(Activates his communicator)
PSYCHOMELTDOWN to DOCTOR WHAT.
The Daemon is, uh, ready early.
I’ll bringing it up now.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“SHOW’S OVER”

Written By : AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM

ACT I

INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT

The crew turns to look as PSYCHOMELTDOWN enters the room, followed by the ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID dressed in a very sketchy bodysuit. Everyone groans in unison.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, shove it.
She’s a fully functional gunnery daemon.
Why don’t you take your station at weapons control, hot stuff?

MICHAEL
Dude, you replicated the wrong cyberbabe.
She is so not hot.

GBW
Then why are you still staring at her ass…ets?

MICHAEL
I’m thinking of cyberbabes that could have been!

The android takes a seat at a console near the center of the bridge, and plugs into it using a jack at the back of her neck.

GATEWAY
Weapons are online.
You guys are going to have to help with this one.
Your Daemon’s AI doesn’t seem to have military programming, so while
she can fire the weapons, you’re going to have to pick the targets.
I suggest you figure out how to use the weapons before the enemy catches up.

MATT
I’m on it!

MATT rushes over to one of the crew stations and then pauses to look lovingly over the controls.

MATT
Oh wow.
This thing is armed to the teeth.
And they’re big nasty Tyrannosaur teeth.
There are so many weapons, there’s no way I can control them all myself.

DOCTOR WHAT
GBW, MICHAEL, take those two secondary weapons stations.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN, monitor the engineering and shield status.
STRAHA, monitor the shift engine status.
GREY WOLF, cover sensors.
Since we don’t have a pilot, I’ll
have to take the helm myself.

GATEWAY
That won’t be necessary.
I’m a far more capable pilot than any human.
Just let me know where you want to go.

MICHAEL
(Looking at his weapons controls with a gleam in his eye)
Kick ass.

DOCTOR WHAT
I have a bad feeling about this.

GATEWAY
I’ll take the liberty of switching the bridge to battle mode.

The crew gasps as the floor, and indeed the walls and ceiling, disappear around them. Their crew stations float in the midst of a holographic representation of space, as if they could see through the ship. Glowing lines and symbols indicate the position and status of enemy vessels, asteroids, and moons. Jupiter looms, gargantuan, to one side.

Everyone except MATT ducks reflexively as a large explosion blossoms near the port side of the ship.

MATT
Scratch one asteroid.
Two… three… I think I’m getting the hang of these things.
Okay, Mr. Asteroid Number Four, your turn now.
We’re going to see what this thing does, the, uh…
“Plausibility Cannon”.
(Pushes the fire button)
What?
Nothing happened.

MATT pushes the fire button again and again in frustration, as yellow lights start to blink on the console.

MATT
Hey Psycho, this isn’t working.
Is there something wrong with the power?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Looks fine over here.
Keep firing!

GATEWAY
No, stop firing so fast!
You’ll overload the…

MATT
What do you mean stop firing?
Damn thing isn’t shooting at all!
(Continues hammering the button)

GATEWAY
Stop hitting that button or you’ll overload the…

The lights on MATT’s console go red, and large red letters indicate “Plausibility Cannon Offline”.

GATEWAY
You’ve overloaded the focusing coils and the control circuits.
Now even if I could turn the cannon on, it would have a
range of about two feet!

MATT
It wasn’t doing anything!

GATEWAY
(Groans)
It was working perfectly.
That just happened to be a very likely asteroid.
(Pauses for a response and gets only blank stares, then sighs)
The Plausibility Cannon is a weapon against anything coming from a
ridiculously unlikely timeline. It causes objects to revert back to what
they would have been had history unfolded in a more likely manner.
Since the asteroid was not from an unlikely timeline,
the cannon did nothing to it.
To use the vernacular: you, sir, wear your ass for a hat.
(In an even snappier tone)
Gunnery Daemon, why didn’t you disengage the power to
prevent the coils from overloading?

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
My owner gave the order to continue firing,
and I am programmed to obey his every whim.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now I know why I had a bad feeling about this.
Psycho!
Don’t say *anything* which could possibly be construed
as an order. Otherwise we’ll just have to gag you.
And not in a kinky way.

GREY WOLF
Sir, the first Domination ships are coming around the planet.
Three battleships, one of them looks like some kind of heavy flagship.
They’ll intercept in ten minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT
GATEWAY, continue with the plan.
We get behind Io’s radiation field, then swing
around and hit them from close range.

FADE TO BLACK

EXT. – SPACE

Three giant, gun-studded battleships appear to be motionless against the vast backdrop of space.
Plumes of energy blast from their engines into the void, and flickers of light surround them as small particles impact their shields.

Pan to reveal Io, Jupiter’s broiling volcanic moon. Superheated particles stream from glowing volcanic blooms on its surface, and it is these that pepper the battleships’ shields. It is now apparent that the ships are moving at tremendous speed, as the moon edges noticeably closer. Suddenly a light appears from below the moon’s horizon. Zoom in to reveal the GATEWAY, its sleek black hull reflecting Io’s glow. Beams of energy lance from hidden gun pods, and missiles begin to accelerate away from it on their own pillars of light.

Cut to the Domination flagship. Its shields flash with blinding light as the beams impact, and an explosion rocks the hull. Air vents into space as some of its gun turrets swivel to return fire.

INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT

DOCTOR WHAT and PSYCHOMELTDOWN face forward, as the rest of the crew concentrate on their stations. The vast glowing bulk of Io looms beneath them, and in front of them is a zoomed-in view of the Domination ships.

GREY WOLF
Sensors indicate that our first volley had a devastating effect.
We pierced their shields and destroyed part of their forward hull.
Our shields are holding up against return fire so far.

MATT
I LOVE THESE GUNS!

STRAHA
ARMAGEDDON!

GATEWAY
I’ve analyzed their weapons and shields.
They are highly advanced.
I don’t know how their timeline got so far ahead of others like it.
We can still defeat the three ships that we are engaged with now.
However, there are already ten more vessels moving to intercept.
We will simply run out of missiles, then they can bombard us from long range.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s start at the top, then…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
GET WHITEY!

DOCTOR WHAT
DAMN IT, that was my line!
Anyway, yeah, go for the flagship.

EXT. – SPACE

A scorched Domination battleship is visible in the distance, firing projectiles and lances of energy toward the camera. A trio of missiles streak in from behind the POV. The antimissile fire hits their shields ineffectively. They zoom toward the ship, and the screen is filled with white glare as they impact. When the light fades, charred lumps of metal hurtle through empty space.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT

The GATEWAY’s bridge is a chaos of alarms and red lights. GATEWAY is now surrounded by Dixie warships, most of them keeping their distance and attacking with missiles. The crew’s fingers dance across their consoles as beams of light streak out to hit several ships around them. An explosion rocks one ship, and its engines sputter and die.

MATT
Seven down, six to go!

GREY WOLF
Um, make that fourteen to go.
Eight more ships just jumped in.
There’s a new flagship, sir, “I.D.S. Authorial Fiat”.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Shields down to thirty percent.
Captain, too many of their shots are getting through.
I’m losing parts of the port power grid, and
weapons are down to seventy percent.

STRAHA
Shift engine status is “still broken”.

DOCTOR WHAT
Keep firing, boys.
Concentrate on the nearest ship.

GATEWAY
There is an incoming transmission.
We are being hailed by an…
Admiral Dominarch Lady Sir Honorblower, Empress of India.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll take, um… whassername on the console.
Everyone, keep doing that thing you do.

A woman’s face appears on the console – confident, stern, and beautiful. Other noteworthy features are an eyepatch over one eye and unnaturally large breasts.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Captain What, we have you completely surrounded.
You fought well for a member of the subhuman gutter races.
But then again, a barrel of monkeys could fight well
in a Hub attack ship. It doesn’t matter now, though.
I’ve never been defeated in battle, and
you’re in no condition to break my record.
However, I’ll offer you a last chance.
Surrender now, and you and your crew will be spared.
You can be enslaved in cushy middle management positions.
Resist and we will board your ship and
shoot anything that moves.
And given how many comrades my men have lost,
probably a lot that doesn’t move.

DOCTOR WHAT
Go screw yourself.
And send me the video!

DOCTOR WHAT punches a button and the console goes blank. He surveys the tactical situation – namely, the many large ships looming around the Gateway and pounding it with fire – and sighs. Consoles around the bridge are aglow with blinking red lights. A particularly large volley hits, and the number of red lights doubles.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Shields are down!
They’re picking off our engines and weapons systems!

DOCTOR WHAT
Everyone grab spacesuits and guns…
time to repel boarders.
The plan is to fall back into the main computer
core, then double back in the outer corridors and
get on the outside of the hull.
We’re going to spacewalk over to their
ship while they’re invading this one.

MICHAEL
And?

DOCTOR WHAT
And, uh, grab a shuttle or something.
Figures that this ship has everything but shuttles…

GATEWAY
I wasn’t designed to traipse around the universe
collecting porn, booze, and social diseases.
Now shut up and get your helmets on, we might start losing air.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. – HIGH-TECH FACTORY – NIGHT

LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, TORQUMADA, and OTHNIEL are engaged in a massive firefight against dozens of Black Empire soldiers. They are inside a cavernous, high tech factory of some sort complete with conveyer belt assembly lines, hovering platforms, and powered-down industrial robots. The factory is fairly dimly lit, and the light in many parts is harsh red or blue. The AH.COMers have taken cover on a large open control platform, hiding behind panels of instruments. Nearby are JEFFERSON and three commandos. WAFFLES flies fearlessly through a barrage of enemy fire, seemingly scouting out the positions of everyone in the factory.

The Black Empire soldiers are coming out of doors on the opposite side of the factory, attempting to advance across the relatively open center. Many of them are picked off by fire from the AH.COM side, their chests scorched by energy weapons, but they keep coming and unleashing constant return fire.

IRON YUPPIE
This position is going to get us killed!
We’re not near any exits and they keep getting closer!

OTHNIEL
What about down there on the factory floor?
There are lots of places to hide and
we could go in any direction.

JEFFERSON
No, we need to stay up here!
OTHNIEL, remember what direction your portal detector pointed!

OTHNIEL
Toward the main door behind all those Black Empire soldiers…

LANDSHARK
Yes yes we know all that.
But I for one keep getting tickled by this
little sixth sense I have in the back of my head.

TORQUMADA
Abject cowardice?

LANDSHARK
I like to call it my “will to live”.
It’s saying that the shortest route from
point A to point B doesn’t pass through
dozens of nasty men with big nasty guns.

TORQUMADA
I defer to your expertise in matters of cowardice.
Down it is!

IRON YUPPIE
Let’s head over there to that elevator platform!
We can ride it down, it’s mostly concealed from their fire.
Sharkie, get your ass in gear and lead the way!

A look of horror spreads across LANDSHARK’s face. He grits his teeth, stands up, and starts to run across the twenty meter distance to the elevator platform. The Black Empire forces quickly spot him and begin to fire. Several trails of energy scorch the ground behind him in the best Hollywood style, never quite catching up. Ahead of him, a blistering hail of blasts blocks the way onto the elevator platform. WAFFLES flies up beside him and keeps pace.

Cut to the other AH.COMers who have begun to follow him at a safe distance, mostly ignored by the enemy fire.

Cut back to LANDSHARK who is running forward at full speed with his eyes closed. Miraculously, he runs straight through the enemy fire without being shot, trips over a stray box of tools, and falls face-first onto the elevator platform.

The AH.COM crew runs up behind him, followed by JEFFERSON and the three commandos.

LANDSHARK grabs his weapon, spins around, and fires wildly in the direction of the Black Empire forces with panic in his eyes. Unfortunately, standing between him and the Black Empire are a large wall next to the elevator platform, and OTHNIEL. Othniel is hit over and over by the blasts, sending a flaming haze of energy around his armor.

When the haze clears, he is very slightly scorched.

TORQUMADA
What.
The.
Fuck.

OTHNIEL
Wow… lucky that gun was low on power, I guess.

IRON YUPPIE
No, the power light is fine…

A look of extreme consternation passes over Jefferson’s face.

JEFFERSON
Oh yeah, I uh, forgot to tell you.
Your weapons are tuned to the chronospatial frequency of
the Black Empire. They have devastating effect on anyone
and anything from the Black Empire’s timeline, but they
cause only mild burns to you, or anything from this timeline.
So you can blast the enemy at will without worrying
about hitting your friends or blowing up the scenery.

TORQUMADA
What if we like blowing up the scenery?

OTHNIEL
I think the “not hitting your friends” part is worth the inconvenience!

IRON YUPPIE is staring at a set of buttons on a small console protruding from the elevator platform’s floor. She presses one marked “G”. The elevator lurches, stutters alarmingly, and then begins to move steadily downward.

JEFFERSON
Like I said, this is a bad idea.
Turn this elevator around, or we’ll be
exposed to enemy fire on the way down!

TORQUMADA
Their aim has pretty much sucked so far!

LANDSHARK
I’d be more scared of Imperial Stormtroopers.

IRON YUPPIE
Wait, do you mean regular Stormtroopers,
or the Clone Wars Stormtroopers?
Those guys knew how to shoot.

TORQUMADA
Eh, all they ever fought were robots that couldn’t kill Jamaican frogs.

JEFFERSON
Shut up!
We have a serious situation here!

The AH.COMers stare at JEFFERSON like he just sprouted another head, and not in a cool Zaphod Beeblebrox way. As they stare, the elevator passes below the wall that was shielding it and begins a slow five meter descent to open ground. The hail of Black Empire fire resumes, and one of the commandos collapses with a scorched blast mark on his chest.

They return fire, and the Black Empire troops duck back. The elevator reaches the ground during the lull in fire, and TORQUMADA drags the downed commando behind a robot forklift. He examines the scorch mark, then laborously pries off the commando’s faceplate and puts his hand near the man’s nose.

TORQUMADA
This man’s still alive!
JEFFERSON, are the commandos carrying any medical packs?

JEFFERSON
NO!
That man’s a goner, we’ve got to leave the wounded and move on!

TORQUMADA
But the blast didn’t actually go all the way through his chest plate!
It may look nasty but I think he’s just knocked out.

JEFFERSON
(Looking panicked)
Get away from him, you might get radiation poisoning!
The Black Empire weapons use a chronobabble radiological interaction.
The impact releases deadly chronospatial radiation.
As soon as the time-delayed particles start to materialize
he’ll die, and you might too if you’re close enough!

LANDSHARK
Hurry up with the running!

IRON YUPPIE and OTHNIEL run behind a huge circular smelter that extends far into the air.

IRON YUPPIE
Get over here!
Sharkie, if your ass gets shot off then it’s useless to me!

The fallen commando is blasted by several direct hits from above. JEFFERSON drags TORQUMADA away, and LANDSHARK follows.

The group reconvenes behind the smelter with the two surviving commandos. As always, the commandos remain silent.

JEFFERSON
Don’t be so hesitant!
We’ve got them right where we want them.

LANDSHARK
In command of the high ground?
With superior numbers?
Pointing big guns at us from right in
front of where we we’re supposed to go?
(Pause)
Who is this “we”, white boy?

JEFFERSON
They’re nothing!
Heroes like you have faced far greater dangers before,
striding into impossible odds and emerging victorious!
Besides, negroes can’t… Black Empire
soldiers can’t shoot for shit anyway.

LANDSHARK
I think you’ll find that it’s MATT and WEAPON M
who survive impossible odds by blowing up everything
around them and then dodging the pieces.
I survive impossible odds by calculating the velocity
of hell, and running precisely that fast.

JEFFERSON
You’re putting my whole world in danger!
Look, I’ll send the troops over to the other
side of the room as a diversion.

JEFFERSON gestures, and the two commandos sprint away. Weapons fire trails at their feet, never quite catching up to them.

OTHNIEL
Hey guys, look over here!
There’s a big grate in the ground.
It’s bolted down, but it looks like there’s
some kind of tunnel system down there.

TORQUMADA
Sounds great!
Let’s see if we can get it open.

Up above, Black Empire soldiers are running quickly across catwalks, high above the factory floor. Many of them are in sight of the AH.COM crew, and they open fire. Energy bolts rain down around LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, and JEFFERSON.

JEFFERSON crouches and returns fire. He fires ten shots, and ten enemies fall from above with holes blasted neatly in the center of their chest armor.

JEFFERSON
Do I have to do everything myself? Follow me!
The doors on the factory floor are all sealed
anyway, we can only get out up there.

JEFFERSON runs over to a small elevator platform on the side of the smelter, and waits expectantly.

Pan over to TORQUMADA, driving a giant spiderlike construction robot. He walks it over to the grate on the floor, and uses its powerful metal manipulators to wrench the bolts holding the grate down.

TORQUMADA
I found one of these babies with juice left in its batteries!
As soon as I get this grate open, everybody in!

JEFFERSON
(Moaning to himself)
Oh FUCK!
That tunnel leads off the set…

INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY SHIFT

The Gateway’s corridors are in chaos as weapons fire flickers back and forth, scorching walls and filling the air with smoke. Dozens upon dozens of Domination troopers pour through the ship, their tremendous size and intimidating physiques apparent even through the thick fabric of their space armor. They advance expertly, and their ranks part momentarily as the unmoving forms of STRAHA and GREY WOLF are carried back toward their ship. Past panels and pillars and shielded power conduits, the rest of the AH.COM crew try to hold them off.

GBW
I can barely see in all this smoke!
(Fires a few wild shots from a nasty looking gun,
which cause dramatic explosions within the smoke)
But I think I saw some of them crawling towards us on the left.
If we don’t get out of this room now, we’re going to be surrounded.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Rubs ash from the visor of his suit)
MATT, how is he?

MATT
(Bending over the sitting PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
Damn it, Psycho’s leg is hit pretty bad.
I can’t fix it in the field.
He won’t be able to run, that’s
really going to slow us down.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not going to leave him.
But when we move, we’ve got to move fast.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Oh, my dear Psycho.
I can carry you!
(Effortlessly lifts PSYCHOMELTDOWN over her shoulder as he screams in pain)

DOCTOR WHAT
All right then, LET’S GO!

The four remaining AH.COM crew and their trusty android cut and run, firing wildly over their shoulders as they do.

INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY OUTER CORRIDOR – DAY SHIFT

The crew runs through a narrow corridor, DOCTOR WHAT in the lead. Most of the crew can be seen huffing and puffing in their spacesuits, except for the ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID who isn’t wearing one.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just a little further, guys!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Bouncing on top of the android’s shoulders, with his head facing backwards)
I caught sight of one of them back there, Captain.
I think the enemy’s behind us now.

MICHAEL
That’s where you want them to be when you’re running away!

Suddenly the crew rounds a bend and comes face to face with a dozen Domination blaster rifles, their wielders filling the corridor ahead. DOCTOR WHAT tries to turn around in mid-run and trips over his own feet. The rest trip over DOCTOR WHAT and end up in a large pile of limbs and guns, except for the Android who steps lightly out of the way. ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER steps up amidst the troops.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
There are fifteen guns pointed at your heads.
If anybody even thinks about touching a trigger,
you’re all going to get it.

MATT
(Tightening his fingers on his gun)
Oh believe me, you’ll get it too.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
I don’t think so.
I’m a master of three forms of martial arts,
including Hollywood-fu, the art of dodging
bullets as if they were poorly aimed Nerf arrows.

DOMINATION SOLDIER
She’s an olympic diver, too.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
(Turns to her men)
Grab them, and take them in for interrogation.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Whispering to the ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID)
Get them.

The android gently sets PSYCHOMELTDOWN down, and then explodes up from her crouch into an incredibly powerful leap. She bounces off the ceiling and is in the midst of the Domination soldiers in an instant. Cries of shock and pain follow immediately on the heels of sickening crunches.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Run, Psycho!
Save yourself, my love!

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Not so fast.

The android turns to see ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER holding a gun to PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s head. Domination troops run up from the opposite end of the corridor to her side. The android stops, and is immediately wrestled to the ground and shackled.

ADMIRAL HORNBLOWER
Well then, let’s get this all sorted out.
I’m sure you’ll all be properly cooperative from this point.

INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY SHIFT

The AH.COM crew are lined up in a row in front of a wall draped with a giant Stars and Bars, shivering in their spacesuits’ underwear. STRAHA, GREY WOLF, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are singed, bandaged, and definitely looking the worse for wear. The android is nowhere to be seen. They are surrounded by blonde Domination space marines who appear to live off a steady diet of steroids, wheaties, and diet pills. ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER stands calmly in front, inspecting them.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Damn it, you monkeys all look the same to me.
Which one of you is the commanding officer?

DOCTOR WHAT
(Looking resigned, he raises his hand)
I’m Captain What.

MATT
(Raises his hand)
No, I’m Captain What.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Raises his hand slowly)
No, uh, I’m Captain What.

MICHAEL
Captain who?

STRAHA
He’s Captain What!
Points at DOCTOR WHAT
And that guy beside him is GREY WOLF, the first officer.

MATT
STRAHA I’m going to rip your gluteal muscles out with garden shears and literally make a hat from your…

A Domination marine smacks MATT from behind with the butt of his rifle, silencing him.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
A futile deception, anyway.
I have the empathic power to tell truth from lies.
Guards, take the rest of them to the brig!

MATT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, STRAHA, MICHAEL, and GBW are quickly shepherded out of the room.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
I’m going to make this really simple.
Give me the codes to your ship’s computer.
You’re going to give them to us eventually, of course.
But if you do it now, your future will be a lot brighter.
(Pause)
Well, a lot less dark.
I won’t kid you, monkeys, spending the rest of
your life in a cubicle isn’t paradise.

DOCTOR WHAT
GATEWAY isn’t proving totally cooperative, huh?

GREY WOLF
Fancy that.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
I’ve defeated the space navies of 47 timelines, been elected
Dominarch of the Mars district, grabbed a few titles of
nobility along the way, pretty much every medal there is,
and been crowned Empress of India under circumstances
that would take an entire book to explain.
Volume seven of my biography, in fact.
I find that little problems like ornery ship’s computers
tend to resolve themselves pretty quickly.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t care if you’re the lawfully crowned queen of my
right asscheek, we can’t give you the codes to the Gateway.
We don’t have them.
The truth is, we stole the ship in a bit of… confusion.
Even GATEWAY doesn’t know where the hell we
are or how to get back to the Hub.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Hm.
Using my natural empathic powers, I can
sense that you’re telling the truth.
Or at least you think you are, since
the computer may have lied to you.
That means… you’re of no use to us.
We’ll see if your android has more
information in its memory banks.
Guards!
Take them to the brig!

INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – BRIG – DAY SHIFT

The AH.COM crew sit in a well-lit metal cell, discussing strategy and their utter lack of it. GBW is holding a glossy brochure entitled “Interplanetary Domination of the Confederate States of America FAQ for New Slaves”.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the hell do we do now?

STRAHA
It’s game over, man, game over!

DOCTOR WHAT
Calm down guys, we’re just lost in an unknown timeline
and about to be enslaved by Confederate space Nazis.
How is this different from any other day?

GBW
(Browsing brochure)
Hey, this is interesting.
They’ve got a basic historical overview.
Looks like the Confederacy defeated the Union, and
then went on an unstoppable binge of conquering until
it controlled the entire solar system around the year 2006.
They discovered multiverse travel, and now
they’ve conquered dozens of timelines.
Seems it’s only 2027 their time…
pretty amazing considering how high tech they are.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right, a really implausible world.
Not exactly the first one we’ve seen.

MICHAEL
Yeah, no mutant armies or killer purple dinosaurs.

GBW
But this one has more of a “God really is on their side”
sort of thing. Not unlikely in a weird sense, unlikely
in a flip a million coins and get all heads sense.

DOCTOR WHAT
Which is exactly why we need to get the hell out of here!

GBW
Well, let’s think… right now we don’t see
a way to get out of this cell.
But if we could get out, what could we do?

MATT
Take a ship, or a shuttle, and get out of here?

MICHAEL
What, you don’t want to just blast them all personally?
Hell, I do.

MATT
Just because I love blowing things up doesn’t mean I’m insane.
Uh, doesn’t mean I’m suicidally insane.

GREY WOLF
Yes, these musclebound racists sure are unbelievably tough.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Was it before or after we were swarmed by dozens of
battleships that you figured that out?

GBW
Unbelievably tough… but just how unbelievably?

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

GBW
I’m not thinking about Japanese schoolgirl porn.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh.
Carry on, then.

GBW
What was that weapon that MATT screwed up, the “Plausibility cannon”?
Didn’t GATEWAY say something about it causing objects from implausible
timelines to revert to a more likely state?
(Looks at MATT)

MATT
I, uh… guess so.
Wasn’t paying the closest attention.

GBW
These guys are so unbelievable, I bet that
cannon would really do a number on them.
Then we could perform our usual
well-ordered strategic withdrawal.

DOCTOR WHAT
But GATEWAY said that thing was fried, I distinctly remember
it not being very useful with a range of two feet.
And the Domination blew out our main
power when they were taking the ship.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Actually, the cannon’s not hooked up to main power,
only the focusing control was using our grid.
It must have its own power source.

GBW
So maybe it still works, if we could
get to it and turn it on manually.
Range is only two feet…
but how big is the area of effect?
Maybe it could at least clear dixie chick’s army
out of the ship, or another ship close enough.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’d ask my delicious Alyson, but they don’t
seem to have brought her back here.
I hate to think what those bastards might be doing to her.

INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – LAB – DAY SHIFT

The ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID lies on an instrument-studded lab table, held down by heavy metal restraints. A panel in her chest is open and a glowing scanner sits over it. ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER watches, accompanied by several officers and scientists.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
How’s it going back there?

SCIENTIST
We still haven’t penetrated the chest cavity.
Sir, the CPU and the power core aren’t just protected
by metal, there’s some kind of inner energy shield.
I’ve never seen technology like this.
It’s going to be hard to break through it
without destroying everything inside.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Fine, we’ll keep trying to do this the old fashioned way.
Toaster, tell us the access code to the Gateway CPU!

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
There probably isn’t any code, I think the
question is whether or not GATEWAY trusts you.
Seeing how you’re the evil bitch queen of the universe,
and also of India, my guess is he doesn’t.

OFFICER NUMBER ONE
That’s Empress of India, toaster.

OFFICER NUMBER TWO
(Helpfully)
And she’s an accomplished olympic diver, too.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
You do realize that you’re all screwed, don’t you?
You’ve attacked a Hub courier ship and when they find
out, they’re gonna give you the total smackdown.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Nonsense.
History is on our side… we never lose a war.
Seriously, we’ve never lost a war, not even a major battle.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
(With a suddenly odd and un-Alyson-like demeanor)
I think there are bats in your belfry, bitch.
Bats have been guiding your way.
But now you’ve stepped on the dragon’s tail,
and bats won’t help you any more.
(She shakes her head and blinks a few times, and her expression returns to normal)

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
(Looking a bit startled)
Enough of this nonsense!
(Turns to the lead scientist)
I could wait days, even weeks, for you to crack her electronic skull.
But there could be a ticking time bomb on that ship or,
you know, somewhere.
Or something.
Time for the torture!

LEAD SCIENTIST
But sir, androids don’t feel pain!

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
But humans do, and this one seems… attached…
to one of their crewmembers.
We’ll torture him until she cooperates.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
So let me get this straight.
You’re not hurting my dear Psycho now, but you will
if I don’t give you the code to the Gateway CPU?

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
That’s right.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Thanks for making that clear.
Since I don’t have the code to the Gateway CPU,
I have only one alternative.

The android’s heavy metal bonds explode outward with a deafening crack, and she leaps into the air. Within seconds the officers and scientists are battered, blood-soaked corpses strewn about the room. ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER bolts from the room in the midst of the carnage, and shuts a heavy blast door behind her.

INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – BRIG – DAY SHIFT

The AH.COM crew huddle together attempting to argue in whispers. A pair of female Domination guards stand in the corridor outside. SUSIE MAE and SALLY JEAN could pass for professional bodybuilders, and like most of their sisters in arms are about six feet tall.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Whispering)
So we just need some way to seize a shuttle and get
past their defenses to land on the Gateway.
Then we can use the you-know-what to get rid of you-know-who.

GREY WOLF
Fat lot of good all these plans do when we’re stuck in this cell.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, all we can do is try.

DOCTOR WHAT stands up, and walks over to the bars of the cell.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Attempting to sound seductive. I said attempting, not succeeding)
Oh SUSIE MAE, would you come here?
I have this problem with my tongue that
I wonder if you could help me with.

SUSIE MAE
(Stepping closer)
The medic’s already checked you over, monkey.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s not the kind of problem I meant.

SUSIE MAE
I don’t… oh.
(Laughs)
Are you making some pitiful attempt to seduce me, little monkey?
Gracious me, I’m a lesbian.

SALLY JEAN
We all are.
What with the men banging slaves all day,
what else is any proper southern girl to do?

DOCTOR WHAT stands motionless, in complete and utter shock. A few drops of drool dribble from the corner of his open mouth.

Everyone stares curiously at him for several unusually long seconds, until the door at the end of the hallway blasts open in an eruption of flame. The ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID steps through the flames, and effortlessly shoots SUSIE MAE and SALLY JEAN with a blaster cannon that looks disproportionately big for her. She then walks over to the cell and rips the door open. The AH.COM crew wait nervously until she gets out of the way before running out of the cell.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
PSYCHOMELTDOWN, my love, my master, they’re trying to kill you!
We’ve got to get out of here!

STRAHA looks past the android to see the charred bodies of several Domination soldiers in the previous room.

STRAHA
Hot damn.
ARMAGEDDON!

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay!
Now we get to a shuttle!

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Maybe not a good idea.
I couldn’t hide it for long.

GBW
Hide it?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Let’s get OUT OF HERE!

GBW
SHUT UP!
Wait a sec, she’s the one who hasn’t been
cooped up in the brig for hours.
Android… uh, Alyson… what’s going on?

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
I’ve killed most of the bridge crew and taken control of the
ship’s computer. I’m using it to broadcast fake messages to
the rest of the fleet, telling them everything is A-OK.
But we’ve got maybe ten minutes until the crew regains control.

GBW
What’s the best way to get onto the Gateway?

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Teleporters, of course.
There’s one fifty meters back.
Careful not to step in the blood and guts, though.

MICHAEL
(Grumbling)
Redheads still suck.

INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY SHIFT

The AH.COM crew stand in front of a teleporter pad. GBW is already inspecting the controls.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, here’s how it’s going to go.
We divide into two teams, one to set the plausibility
cannon on overload, one to create a diversion.
We send those with the most technical experience
to the cannon – GBW and PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
No!
I won’t leave my Psycho.

DOCTOR WHAT
But we need you here to keep telling everyone that all is well in Dixie.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
If he goes then I go with him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Psycho, order her to go.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Obviously a little bit torn, until he spends enough time giving the android the twice-over)
Fuck that.
I’ll operate the teleporter, send MICHAEL instead.
I’ll stay here with the unstoppable killer robot
who’s extremely hot and obeys my every whim.

MICHAEL
Right on!
More hacking.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m the captain!
And I don’t trust MICHAEL to hack a toaster.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Captain of what?
As of now we don’t have a ship.
And I do have my dream girl!

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine.
MATT, MICHAEL, and GBW, you’re on the technical team.
MATT, make sure MICHAEL doesn’t try to hack anything… inappropriate.
GREY WOLF and I will teleport in near the engines, at the
opposite end of the ship, and distract the enemy.

STRAHA
What about me?

DOCTOR WHAT
Um… you’re definitely a distraction, so come with me.
Everyone onto the teleporter pad!

The crew assumes positions on the teleporter pad, standing in two groups and holding Domination blaster rifles at the ready. PSYCHOMELTDOWN moves over to the controls, making a few tentative presses on their unfamiliar buttons. Sensing his uncertainty, the android moves over and wraps herself around him.

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Come on, sugar schlong.
I know you can do it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN distractedly hits a series of buttons in rapid succession. The crew disappears. The instant they’re gone, he turns around and locks lips with the android.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX – NIGHT

Pan across a road through a massive complex of industrial buildings. The street is mostly dark, but is illuminated by the reflection of city lights from an extremely hazy sky. In the center of the street is a manhole (a futuristic manhole, with chrome trim). It rises and is pushed aside. OTHNIEL climbs out.

OTHNIEL
It’s all clear, guys!

Waffles hovers out, and then IRON YUPPIE, LANDSHARK, TORQUMADA, and JEFFERSON quickly climb out as well. TORQUMADA looks around, and spots a huge wall between two of the industrial buildings. On the other side climb several well-lit skyscrapers, one of them sporting an electronic billboard advertising some form of toothpaste.

TORQUMADA
Hey, look!
There’s a city right over that wall!

IRON YUPPIE
Excellent.
JEFFERSON, we really need to rethink our strategy.
Over some really serious coffee.

LANDSHARK
And tea and cheese.
I really hanker for some cheese, Yuppie,
it’s been ever so long since I last partook.

TORQUMADA
The city it is!
Can’t be too hard to find a way over that wall.

They walk in the general direction of the large wall, cutting between two buildings to do so. They move into increasing shadow as buildings loom on both sides of them.The shadow is suddenly broken by lights coming from around a corner. The lights sweep around, and emerge from behind one of the buildings. They are attached to the giant form of a battle mech. It fires a shot past them, and blows the grate they emerged from into smoking ruin. Several more near misses blow giant chunks out of the buildings near them, spraying the crew with bits of debris.

JEFFERSON
RUN!

LANDSHARK
You DO have a functioning cerebellum!

TORQUMADA
What the heck is that?
I can’t see past all the lights.

IRON YUPPIE
It’s a mech and it doesn’t like us!

They all scamper around the corner, though WAFFLES pauses to take a long look at the mech as it ambles forward.

JEFFERSON
I’m receiving a transmission from the army!
That’s a Black Empire battle mech.
The army has units in the area and they’re
sending a hovercraft to pick us up.
See that building over there?
(Points)
They can pick us up on the other side in thirty seconds.
Hurry before that mech catches us!

Everyone runs madly around the building indicated by JEFFERSON, to see a hovercraft already arriving. It floats only a foot off the ground, and a soldier opens the door.

JEFFERSON
All aboard!

IRON YUPPIE pulls TORQUMADA aside and whispers to him.

IRON YUPPIE
(Whispering)
I’m really tired of this guy and this whole goose chase.
When I make my move, go for the pilot.

TORQUMADA
(Whispering)
Gotcha.

JEFFERSON moves to shepherd the AH.COMers onto the hovercraft. TORQUMADA jumps up and moves toward the cockpit, while OTHNIEL, LANDSHARK, and WAFFLES mill around in the middle. One pilot and four soldiers can be seen in the hovercraft. IRON YUPPIE stops at the door and turns to the nearby soldiers.

IRON YUPPIE
Would you fellows mind giving a lady a hand up?

Two of the soldiers move forward to offer their hands. IRON YUPPIE lets them help her up, then pushes between them, flips, and drop kicks the two of them out the door. One of them lands on JEFFERSON.

JEFFERSON
WHAT THE HELL IS IT NOW?!

IRON YUPPIE
NOW!

TORQUMADA raises the butt of his rifle and slams it into the pilot’s head. He gives him another whack for good measure, grabs the main control stick, and yanks on it. The hovercraft rises up into the air.

Behind him, the two remaining soldiers rush IRON YUPPIE. OTHNIEL has already raised his gun and blasts the two soldiers, to absolutely no effect.

IRON YUPPIE slams her rifle into the chest armor of one of the soldiers, and it explodes in a burst of smoke and plasma. The soldier drops down, and everyone is confused as they wrestle the other soldier in the smoke. The first soldier gets right back up, if a bit groggily. His armor appears to have a nasty hole blasted in it, but he himself isn’t injured. As the scorched soldier steps back toward the fight, LANDSHARK lets out a girlish scream and throws his gun at him. The soldier bats it away, but is off balance long enough for OTHNIEL to push him out of the hovercraft. The last remaining soldier is quickly overpowered and thrown out of the hovercraft.

TORQUMADA
Guys, I’m not entirely sure how to pilot this thing.

IRON YUPPIE
We just need to get back to the Hub!
I tire of this place.

TORQUMADA
It doesn’t have a shift engine!

IRON YUPPIE
Land at the nearest pub!
We’ll take the authorized personnel exit.

INT. – GATEWAY WEAPONS BAY – DAY SHIFT

DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, and STRAHA materialize out of nothing, and shoot a few bored Domination guards before they can even raise their weapons. They look around them and see a room full of cables, pipes… and an extremely out of place looking thing in the center. A faintly glowing, quicksilver sphere floats in the midair, next to a charred and partially melted focusing device.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the… this isn’t engineering.
OH CRAP!
Psycho teleported us to the wrong coordinates!
The tech team’s probably back aft, being diversionary.

GREY WOLF
Guess we figure this thing out ourselves, then.
You have any clue how to go about it?

DOCTOR WHAT
Nope.

GREY WOLF
Guess I’m in good company.

STRAHA
What the hell IS that, anyway?

STRAHA moves to touch the shimmering sphere. DOCTOR WHAT restrains him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, this may take a while.
There’s only one door to this chamber.
STRAHA, I want you to stand guard.

With an encouraging push from DOCTOR WHAT, STRAHA moves outside the door, his rifle at the ready. DOCTOR WHAT closes the door behind him, closes a second much heavier blast door on top of the first door, and locks them both.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
That doesn’t look like anything else on this ship.
I think the Hub built that, and we’re about to fuck with it.

GREY WOLF
Well, there’s no buttons on it.
Got to be a control somewhere else around here.

INT. – GATEWAY ENGINEERING – DAY SHIFT

MATT, MICHAEL, and GBW run around a corner, panting.

MATT
Damn you, Psycho!

MICHAEL
Do you think they saw us?

An energy bolt blasts a large chunk of the corner off.

MATT
RUN!

MATT, MICHAEL, and GBW round another corner, duck through a hatch, and find themselves in a room full of confused Domination slave technicians who are busy taking apart Gateway’s systems. The slaves run the gamut of non-white races, and have barcodes tattooed on their foreheads. One particularly dark-skinned fellow appears to have had his forehead bleached so that the barcode would show up better. The AH.COMers point their guns at the slaves.

MATT
Okay, how about everyone just stays really quiet
right now, and nothing bad happens?
You just pretend you never saw anything, and we’ll
get back at those bastards who made you slaves.

SEVERAL SLAVES IN UNISON
GET THEM FOR MASSAH!

The slaves swarm MATT and GBW at once, leaving them too shocked to shoot. MICHAEL dives to the side, but slaves pile on top of him. They’re overwhelmed in seconds.

SLAVE NUMBER ONE
How can they be foolish enough to resist their rightful masters?

SLAVE NUMBER TWO
Boys, we’re going to get an extra helping of gruel tonight!

The slaves cheer.

INT. – GATEWAY CORRIDOR – DAY SHIFT

A squad of Domination soldiers are in the corridor outside the weapons bay. Some of them are using plasma torches on the door, others are surrounding a disarmed STRAHA.

STRAHA
So like I was saying, these guys totally kidnapped me,
I’m on your side, really!
DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are trying to set off
this thing called the Plausibility Cannon.
They think it’ll basically make you all disappear or something.
You need to go in there and shoot the crap out of them before they can!

INT. – GATEWAY WEAPONS BAY – DAY SHIFT

DOCTOR WHAT works furiously at the innards of a half-disassembled computer console, while GREY WOLF holds a small portable sensor up to the Plausibility Cannon apparatus. The room suddenly fills with the crackle of static, and the voice of ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER comes over the ship’s internal comm system.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Well, when will this damn thing be working?
Stop slacking like a bunch of slaves, how hard
can it be to turn on the darkie lovin’ communicators?
(Pause)
Oh.
(Pause)
CAPTAIN WHAT, you might as well surrender yourself now.
You may have managed to… inconvenience my own ship,
but that just means I had to grab another one.
My troops will burn their way into the weapons bay
at any moment.
But just in case you’re thinking of blowing up anything
before then… I’m having all of your friends brought
right up to the other side of the door.
Are you ready to kill them too?
Surrender!

GREY WOLF
I think the appropriate response, historically
speaking, would be “nuts”.

DOCTOR WHAT
I prefer “why don’t you practice your olympic diving
into an empty pool, you Confederate Nazi bitch.”

DOCTOR WHAT grabs a plasma rifle, and fires several times at what appears to be a speaker in the corner of the room. All of his shots miss, but one hits some nearby electronics and the comm link goes dead.

GREY WOLF
Well then, it looks like we’re in a spot of trouble.
Are you quite done yet?

DOCTOR WHAT
(Fiddling with the controls)
Just about… be patient…

GREY WOLF
Just asking.
What with that army trying to blast their way in and kill us, and all.
(Waits)
Oh, will you look at that.
There are little drops of molten metal trickling down the door.

DOCTOR WHAT
THERE we go.
All set and ready to blow.
(Grins evilly and strikes a dramatic pose)
No…
You can’t get away…
From hell’s heart I stab at thee…

GREY WOLF
(Looking on incredulously)
What, you’re giving a speech?
Don’t you think you ought to PUSH THE BUTTON?

DOCTOR WHAT
(Indignant)
This is my moment.
(Glances at the now red-hot door)
Look, we’ve got at least ten, fifteen seconds left to live.
Just keep quiet for fifteen seconds, okay?

GREY WOLF
Right then, I’ll spend my last moments in silence.
Not like I might have anything to say on
the occasion of my impending doom.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great then.
Ok…
(Takes a deep breath)
No…
You can’t get away…
From hell’s heart I stab at thee…
(Pauses with a look of triumph)
For hate’s sake…
I spit my last breath at thee!

DOCTOR WHAT presses the button. A sphere of shimmering energy expands outward from the plausibility cannon in all directions, rending reality itself with its passage. When the shimmering fades, the weapons bay appears completely unchanged.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wow, that was fast.
Honestly, I expected a nerve-wracking thirty second countdown, ending
an instant before the bad guys were about to shoot us both.

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF suddenly shimmer and disappear, teleported away.

INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY SHIFT

The AH.COM crew stand around on the teleporter pads, all attempting to talk at the same time. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and the ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID are standing at the controls, their clothes and hair looking curiously disheveled.

STRAHA
What the hell?
One minute I was, um, fighting the Domination,
the next minute we’re all here?!

MATT
Where are the guards?
Did we escape?

GBW
Did you see what happened to those troops holding us?
It’s like they went all Keystone Kops right in front of our eyes!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Guys, you did it!
I teleported you back!

GREY WOLF
This room looks a lot, uh, crappier than I remember it.

DOCTOR WHAT
EVERYONE, SHUT UP!
(Pause)
Thanks.
Alyson, are you still patched into the communications system?

ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Yes.
Things seem to have… changed.
The communications bandwidth has decreased dramatically,
and what’s left is filled with cries for help.
Sabotage, slave rebellions, poorly maintained and
malfunctioning equipment. This ship itself has
become much smaller and less sophisticated.

DOCTOR WHAT
To the bridge!

INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT

The AH.COM crew burst into the bridge, quickly blasting a few overweight Domination guards who don’t put up particularly effective resistance. The crew takes stations around the bridge, and starts trying to figure them out.

GREY WOLF
I’m replaying the sensor logs.

The main viewscreens come to life, and the crew turn to watch. The Gateway is surrounded by a fleet of a dozen gigantic battleships, one much further away than the others. A ripple in spacetime emerges from the Gateway and passes over the ships. Several of them disappear entirely, and the rest of the nearby ships are suddenly replaced with much smaller versions. The new ships still bear the “stars and bars and eagle” insignia, but look a lot more like poorly maintained, Soviet Armada surplus cruisers.

The furthest battleship makes a multiverse jump before the ripple hits it.

DOCTOR WHAT
So… their ships are crap, but so’s this one.
And Gateway’s still disabled.
Psycho, see if you can get the multiverse engine running.
We’re out of here.

A voice comes from the corner, behind them all.

VOICE
You don’t need to run quite yet.

They turn around, guns ready, and see IAN, bartender of the Hub.

DOCTOR WHAT
Um… uh… what are you doing here?

IAN
It’s not every day that someone sets off a Hub plausibility cannon.
Since the Administration finally got the network back online,
I came to check it out.

GBW
But… you’re the bartender!
You barely ever leave the bar!

IAN
I do, and I don’t.
It’s complicated.
Anyway, let’s fix that Frankenstein’s
monster you’ve made out of perfectly
good Daemon parts, and check out this
“Domination of Dixie”.

IAN waves his hand at the ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID, and she suddenly stands ramrod straight.

The subtle shimmer of an advanced deflector shield springs into being around her. Her skin
tone morphes into the shiny metal of a Hub Daemon, although she remains human shaped. As a
final touch, a dangerous looking cannon of some kind erupts from her back and pivots to sit
atop her right shoulder.

HUB DAEMON
Download complete.
Hub uplink established.

IAN
(To android)
Secure this ship.
(To the AH.COM crew)
The rest of you are coming on a little journey.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
ALYSON!
NOOOOOOOOOO!

MICHAEL
Sucker.

The Domination cruiser fades out around the AH.COM crew, and the Gateway bridge fades in.

EXT. – CITY – NIGHT

A hovercraft flies fairly low over a futuristic city, passing between the glowing spires of giant skyscrapers. Inside, the AH.COM crew scan the busy streets below with worried expressions.

LANDSHARK
Take it from me, TORQUMADA, we need to be running faster.
They’ve got to be tracking this hovercraft.

TORQUMADA
I don’t see any bars!

LANDSHARK
Just land near that big square over there!
Probably a shopping district, they always
have some kind of alcohol nearby.

TORQUMADA quickly veers the hovercraft down and into a back alley near the square. The AH.COMers jump out and run toward the square. When they reach the alley, they all stop short. The square does seem to be surrounded by some kind of commercial district, although up close it appears quite drab and dingy. More unusual are the gigantic flags flying in the square itself, illuminated by floodlights. Menacing eagles grip the stars and bars in their talons as they flap in the wind.

LANDSHARK
Well then.

IRON YUPPIE
We’ve been played.
I don’t know why, but… ugh.

TORQUMADA
I think there’s some kind of roadblock being set up over there!
Do those look like soldiers to you?

OTHNIEL
Not sure… Hey, right over there!
It’s the “Colored Bar”.

The AH.COMers make a mad dash for the Colored Bar and zip through the door.

INT. – COLORED BAR – NIGHT

The Colored Bar is a dimly lit dive bar, full of a motley clientele of non-white people with barcodes tattooed on their foreheads. Several televisions play over the bar, but the only audible sound is Jazz music. The patrons stare in shock as white people and a floating robot run into their bar and race around randomly.

OTHNIEL
Authorized personnel only!

The four race toward the door indicated by OTHNIEL, only to find that it opens on a brick wall. LANDSHARK charges the wall anyway, and collapses painfully.

IRON YUPPIE
I am displeased.

The music stops. The AH.COMers turn around.

BAR PATRON 1
Is it really them?

BAR PATRON 2
There’s no mistaking that face.
It’s LANDSHARK!

BAR PATRON 3
And IRON YUPPIE!

BAR PATRON 1
And that Mormon kid.

The bartender is holding a small communicator and speaking into it.

BARTENDER
I’ve found them.
You can teleport to these coordinates.

The air shimmers in front of the bar and three men materialize in front of it. They pull out nasty guns and point them at the AH.COM crew.

BLACK COBRA
Well hello there.
I already know who you all are, but you can call me BLACK COBRA.
I’m part of the rebellion against the tyranny of the Domination of Dixie.

LANDSHARK
Um, right, see… we hate Confederates too!

TORQUMADA
And slavery!
And oppression!
And cruelty to animals!
Except sealions!

IRON YUPPIE
What my compatriots would say, if two halfwits could join
together and form a whole, is that we came to this planet
quite recently with no idea it was being run by filthy slavers.
We’ve been put on some kind of wild goose chase and now
we’d like to simply leave in peace, having harmed nobody.

OTHNIEL
Except those soldiers.

LANDSHARK
Yeah, we might have thrown some confederates from a great height.

BLACK COBRA
Oh no, I can’t let you escape.
I never conceived that you’d come here, but frankly, as soon
as I get word back from command I’m going to shoot you all.
We only thought to block your pernicious influence long enough
to launch our revolution, but now we can end it once and for all.

IRON YUPPIE
Pernicious influence?
You’re really beginning to annoy me.

BLACK COBRA
You don’t even understand, do you?
Well then…

BLACK COBRA walks over to the bar and picks up something looking suspiciously like a Tivo remote. He fiddles around with it for half a second, and plays a show on one of the bar’s TVs. He spends several seconds fast forwarding through commercials and credits, during which we see the flashes of familiar faces – those of the AH.COM crew. He stops, and an announcer’s voiceover begins along with a montage of clips.

ANNOUNCER VOICE
Last week, on the Iron Yuppie and Landshark Show…

The screen shows the bridge of the AH.COM. Most of the white members of the crew are visible – but sitting in the captain’s chair is a musclebound six foot blonde man, who has the faint glimmer of a special effect around his edges.

BLONDE TV CAPTAIN WHAT
Damn it, I just finished fighting on an
arena planet for a madman’s amusement.
Give it a rest for a little while, huh?

TV LANDSHARK
This is about shoes, captain.
It’s an extraordinarily important matter.
Now Yuppie, do you think I’d look better
in pink or fuschia?

TV IRON YUPPIE
Personally, I think you look best in green.
But you really don’t want people thinking
“it’s soooo not Christmas” when you’re
stepping in the blood of your enemies.

TV LEO CAESIUS
Captain, I’ve got something strange on…

TV IRON YUPPIE
(Interrupting)
Not purple, either.
Purple and red, such a faux pas.

TV LANDSHARK
Well white stains, and I’ve
already got fifty or sixty black pairs.

TV IRON YUPPIE
But they really make the man.
Just buy more and donate the old ones to the rest of the crew.
They could be a bit more manly.
Not too much, though, wouldn’t want to encourage uppityness.

BLACK COBRA
Argh!
I can’t stand to watch any more.

BLACK COBRA presses the stop button on the remote, and the TV obeys.

TORQUMADA
That’s us!
That was us not too long ago.

LANDSHARK
Well, we’re a sexy pair, aren’t we?

TORQUMADA
What treachery is this?

BLACK COBRA lifts his gun and blasts WAFFLES into a chunk of scrap metal.

BLACK COBRA
Your droid was recording your lives for the Domination of Dixie’s
hottest new reality show, “The Iron Yuppie and Landshark Show”.
They play you on every television all day, everywhere… there’s absolutely
no escaping you. They used to try and distract the masses with
entertainment, but they’ve discovered that sheer volume of mind-
numbing banter is quite effective at, well, numbing the mind.
And therefore, effective at keeping billions of people in the
bondage of slavery.

TORQUMADA
Well let me be the first to say, I’m not the slightest bit surprised.

LANDSHARK
Mind-numbing?
I put a great deal of thought into my banter.

BLACK COBRA
I’m sure you do.
But at any rate, for our revolution to have any hope
of succeeding we had to shut down your show.
They were transmitting it across the multiverse using
the Hub’s Ouroboros network, so we acquired devices
that allow us to jam the network. It didn’t really occur
to us that the Domination would try to bring you here
and make a local broadcast. But we’ll put a stop to
that by killing you.

IRON YUPPIE
Well, at least I set a new personal record.
I’ve never kept entire planets of people in bondage.

REBEL HENCHMAN
Sir, still no word from command.
Their transmission might have been jammed.
Maybe we should just kill them ourselves.

OTHNIEL
I don’t suppose you’d take our word that
we won’t work for the Domination, and
if you turn the jammers off we’ll leave
this world right away?

BLACK COBRA
That sounds pretty sensible… except
that it would leave a dangerous weapon
of mass interruption on the loose.
No, I think I’ll just kill you.

TORQUMADA
(Helpfully)
Why don’t you spend more time
describing the full details of your plan?
Villains in the movies always do that.
I hear it works out well.

While TORQUMADA is uttering his last sentence, the entire room shimmers and changes. All of a sudden the bar is bawdy and active – and many of the patrons are white. The obligatory confederate insignia around the room are gone, replaced with sports memorabilia. A slight shimmer remains around BLACK COBRA for a period of time – he hasn’t changed.

A figure steps out of the crowd – IAN the bartender.

IAN
You can all leave now, the Hub doors are working again.
As for you, “BLACK COBRA”… let’s talk about where you got those network jammers.

INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT

The AH.COM crew stand in the middle of the bridge, gaining their bearings. The crew stations are manned by the vaguely humanoid robotic forms of Hub Daemons, and the ship’s status indicators are now green across the board.

GATEWAY
All systems operational, sir.

GBW
Operational?
This ship was a wrecked piece of junk a few minutes ago!

IAN
The Administration applied a slight adjustment of reality.

GATEWAY
Ah… I could gloat so amazingly now.
But your thieving monkey brains wouldn’t be able to appreciate it anyway.
Still, I should point out that…

IAN
(Interrupting)
Take us to Dixie.

The background of Jupiter and a half dozen clunky cruisers is replaced by a head-on view of Earth… and flecks of lights in front of it. GATEWAY magnifies the forward image to show the Domination fleet surrounding their homeworld. Giant battleships, fighter carriers, cruisers, hordes of support ships. Dwarfing them all, in the midst of the fleet are several gargantuan command ships, each many miles long. Earth itself is visible half in daylight, half on the night side. The night side glows with spectacular light, especially from the southeastern part of North America – the old Confederacy. Europe and Africa, in daylight, are clouded and scarred by pollution. More and more ships are jumping in – the great fleet is obviously being formed up right now.

GATEWAY
Three command ships, one hundred fifty seven
capital ships, four hundred ninety three support vessels.
More appear to be jumping in.
I am decrypting their coded transmissions.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER has jumped back,
and sent a message from Jupiter warning them
of attackers using Hub technology. Which I guess
is why they’ve brought more than half of their entire fleet.

IAN
Take us in.

GREY WOLF
What, are you mad?
This is a nice ship and all, but can even your
plausibility cannon protect us from that bloody
insanely huge armada?

IAN
I don’t think…
(Pauses as if trying to remember)
…that you have ever seen the Administration in action.

DOCTOR WHAT
Guys, uh… let’s just sit back and watch.

STRAHA
(Blatantly drooling)
Armageddon…

GBW
Wait a minute… how did we get directly to Earth?
That wasn’t just a multiverse jump, we travelled
half a billion kilometers through space!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wow… guided spatial jump… it *is* possible…

GATEWAY
Incoming transmission.
This might be interesting.

The image of a white-beared old man looking like nothing so much as Colonel Sanders (of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame) in a grey uniform pops onto the screen. He stands in front of a very official-seeming background, complete with the obligatory muscular eagle holding the stars and bars.

PRESIDENT BILLY BUFORD
Why hello there.
Allow me to introduce myself.
Ah’m PRESIDENT BILLY BUFORD of the Interplanetary
Domination of the Confederate States of America.
I do believe that you’re CAPTAIN WHAT, and you’ve been
attacking the ships of my beautiful Confederacy.

IAN
Your belief is incorrect.
I am not CAPTAIN WHAT.
I represent the Hub Administration.
The very administration that you thought to hunt down,
once rebels prevented you from abusing our network
to help keep whole worlds in bondage. That behavior
is completely out of line, and I have no choice but to
administer sanctions.

PRESIDENT BILLY BUFORD
Pardon me for the informality, sir, but… you and what army?
(Smiles condescendingly)
I know I’ve got mine right here.

IAN
I know what you’re thinking.
“That ship’s got some kind of weapon that took out an
entire squadron of battleships, but they weren’t entirely
destroyed and Honorblower escaped.
Does it have the ability to take out an entire fleet?”
Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve never actually put that to the test.
But being as how this is a Hub plausibility cannon, and your
timeline really does seem pretty implausible, you’ve got to ask
yourself a question: Do I feel likely?
Well, do ya, punk?

DOCTOR WHAT
(In an undertone)
Sweeeet.

PRESIDENT BILLY BUFORD
Say your prayers.
Ah’m prepared to match my
thousand ships against your one ship.

IAN
Fine.
But not against this particular one ship.

IAN gestures and the viewscreen fades away.

He looks to the side, at the starfield visible “through” the Gateway’s hull. Empty space suddenly twists and bulges into the form of a gigantic vessel. Its surface is so completely mirrorlike that it is visible only because of how its curvature distorts the reflection of the stars.

The ship vanishes, and a viewscreen pops up to track it as it reappears in the middle of the Domination fleet. They begin to fire on it, a torrential downpour of missiles and energy. All of which vanishes into nothing before it can reach the ship’s surface.

MATT
What… is… that?

IAN
Hub Dreadnaught.
The Administration finds that they
come in handy for solving large problems.

Space ripples around the Dreadnaught, and most of the Domination fleet pops out of existence. The remaining ships are smaller, more worn. Some of them continue to fire ineffectively at the dreadnaught, others drift out of formation. A few spontaneously explode. With the fleet taken care of, the Dreadnaught begins to fire the Plausibility Cannon at Earth. The planet’s entire surface shimmers and reforms. Dark scars across the forests are replaced by normal greens and yellows. The lights on the night side thin substantially, especially in the old Confederacy. The Dreadnaught jumps and vanishes.

GREY WOLF
Wow.
What was all that, then?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think you mean “DAMN, what the fuck just happened?!”

IAN
The Dreadnaught is moving on to fix the other
conquered timelines, reducing the Confederacy to insignificance.
Most timelines will never have been conquered in the first place.
The rest, I’m sure, will be free fairly soon.

GBW
If the Hub has that kind of power, why the hell
is it such a hive of scum and debauchery?
Who had the kind of power to jam your network?

IAN
The Hub you see, the city, is a convenient service we happen to provide.
It’s not the Administration’s top priority. The Administration protects all
timelines touched by the Ouroboros doors from serious crosstime threats.
Those threats probably supplied this world with network jammers.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s pretty vague.

IAN
I hope you never need the details.
Now, I think it’s time for a reunion.

The crew are teleported to the bridge of the AH.COM. LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, TORQUMADA, and OTHNIEL are teleported in at the same time. The forward viewscreen shows the Hub docking spires, making it clear that the ship is docked at the Hub. IAN is leaning against the wall next to the viewscreen as if he’d been sitting there for hours. WEAPON M, KITJED, DIAMOND, and DAVE HOWERY are already on the bridge, which makes it very crowded.

END ACT II

TAG

IAN
Well, you people sure have a habit of getting into trouble.

LANDSHARK
More of a vocation.
Sometimes we get paid for it.

LUAKEL
What?
How come I never get paid?!

DIAMOND
By “we” he means not you, and by “paid” he means
“get to keep whatever we happen to liberate from
its nefarious and undeserving prior owner”.

LUAKEL
Oh.
I always wondered how the economics of this ship worked.
It never really seemed fleshed out.

GREY WOLF
Say, how are we here?
Don’t I recall something about the CF.NETers stealing our ship?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, LEO, what happened?

LEO CAESIUS
Heh.
Heh heh heh.
Well, I was sitting minding my own business in the Hub
when you guys left me at the mercy of DOMINUS NOVUS,
BULGAROKTONOS, and FAEELIN. Completely alone and
without even the benefit of my robot body. As for what
happened after that and how I got back here on my own…
Well, maybe that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say that
they’ll think twice… no, maybe three or four hundred times,
before they ever turn off the computer and make an unguided jump.

GBW
(Grimaces)
I hope we’ll think twice too….

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What?!
I found my Alyson on that jump!

GBW
I suppose it’s too much to expect that we even think once.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey Ian, why didn’t you bring back
DMA, FLOCCULENCIO, and G.BONE?

IAN
Well, after you left them tied up in order to run in terror
as fast as possible, I figured I’d leave them along because
they deserved a break. And boy, have they ever been
getting a bunch of them.

Quick cut to DMA, FLOCCULENCIO, and G.BONE and a pile of female goatist initiates lying naked (save cheap costume goat horns) in a pile amidst Faux-Arabian splendor.

DOCTOR WHAT
At least someone got a break.

GBW
We just stole a Hub ship, blind jumped into
the middle of a bunch of Confederate Space Nazis,
and then escaped completely unscathed.
Some people might call that a “break”.

TORQUMADA
He means our net acquisitions of alcohol, porn, and booootay were a big fat zero.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, escaping is pretty much par for the course,
it’s really the cheap materialism that we measure victory by.
We seem pretty much impossible to actually kill.
Permanently, at least.

INT. – DOMINATION BATTLESHIP BRIDGE – DAY

The bridge of a Domination battleship – the implausibly advanced kind, manned by a crew of blonde olympians. Sitting in the command chair is ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER. On the viewscreen, space twists and forms into the reflective bulk of a Hub Dreadnaught. A wave of distortion shoots forth from the Dreadnaught and crosses through the bridge. The ship instantly becomes more primitive and worn, the bridge itself smaller. The crew are shorter, alternately fatter or skinnier, and their uniforms now look like they were issued by an army rather than a top Hollywood designer.

All except for ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER herself – she is completely unchanged, as is her command chair and every bit of ship within a perfectly spherical area about two meters across.

One of the crew members, a skinny fellow in an ill-fitting uniform, turns toward her in shock.

CREW MEMBER
Wha… who are you?

Without a word, HONORBLOWER pulls out her blaster and shoots him between the eyes. She spins around and kills every other member of the bridge crew in mere seconds. One of them manages to pull out his gun and return fire, but the bolts splash off an invisible shield surrounding her.

HONORBLOWER listens for a moment and begins speaking to someone who is unseen and unheard – a voice in her head, perhaps.

ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Yes, the plan failed, but did you really expect it to succeed?
(Listens)
It was just bad luck that the Hub agents escaped so quickly.
You wanted those jammers up for too long anyway.
(Listens)
Of course I’m ready for a new assignment.

HONORBLOWER vanishes.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS