TEASER
INT. – TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SHEEP – DAY
We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN, STRAHA, MICHAEL, G.BONE and DIAMOND sitting in a circle before the SHEEP THE SIZE OF A VW CAMPER VAN. There is a thick haze of smoke wafting through the air.
STRAHA
(taking a hit)
Those fucking Whatist don’t have nothing on us.
(coughing)
G.BONE
You talk big when they aren’t here.
I’d like to see you do that when they are here.
STRAHA
I’d say it, but you know Hendryk.
He’d start crying. Damn Frenchy.
DIAMOND
Right. After he kicks your ass.
STRAHA
Well, Doc, is that captain and all and
Hendryk worships him, so…
Doc would fight for him.
MICHAEL
Damn it, I’ve seen Doc fight and I’m betting
a five year old girl can kick his arse.
STRAHA
Well…
(angrily to Michael)
Shut the fuck up.
STRAHA angrily puffs on a doobie.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(impatient)
Quit boggarting the weed, man.
Fork it over.
Suddenly there’s a clatter and a crash. The HOLY SHEEP baas and raises it’s head. Everyone turns to see FLOCCULENCIO and LUAKEL standing in the entrance of the Temple.
FLOCCULENCIO
(swaying slightly to and fro)
What the hell is this place?
(sips from flask)
LUAKEL
I think we’re lost.
Where’s the restroom again?
FLOCCULENCIO
Holy shit!
(exclaiming and pointing)
There’s a huge friggin’ sheep over there!
MICHAEL
It’s a Holy Sheep, dumb ass.
LUAKEL
Cool! Can I ride it?
G.BONE
You don’t ride the Holy Sheep, fucktard.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait… you don’t?
G.BONE
Begone, heathens.
Only the Sheepist can enter this place of holy!
STRAHA
Yeah, get the fuck out.
Especially you, you fucking N00b!
FLOCCULENCIO
(standing tall)
Who me?
STRAHA
(quickly shaking head)
No. No.
The kid.
The damned n00b!
LUAKEL
I’m not a n00b.
Can I pet the sheep?
G.BONE
You don’t pet the sheep!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait… you don’t?
FLOCCULENCIO
Let’s get outta here, Luakel. These bloody
sheepist are probably gonna bugger that
poor animal, and you shouldn’t see that
until you turn eighteen and then only after
you’re piss drunk and paid good money.
LUAKEL
(whining tones)
But I wanna pet the sheep!
G.BONE
We don’t ‘bugger’ anything!
STRAHA
Wait.. we don’t?
FLOCCULENCIO drags LUAKEL out of the Temple, there’s a long silence.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damned heatens…
DIAMOND
Y’know what he’d have said to those that
would have mocked the sheep faith?
MICHAEL
Yeah, he was hardcore.
ALL IN UNISON
JIHAD ON THEIR ARSES!
EXT. – DUSTY EXPANSE – DAY
Tight on DMA’s face, it’s scruffy and dirty, He looks determined and pissed.
DMA
(yelling)
JIHAD ON THEIR ARSES!
Pull back and we see a huge army of armed men behind him, screaming out the war cry.
ARMY
JIHAD ON THEIR ARSES!!!!
The army charges forward.
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“JIHAD ON THEIR ARSES”
Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN
ACT I
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
A vortex opens and we see a ship exit it. Pull in on the ship and we see it’s the CF.NET.
INT. – CF.NET – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
WARD sits in his command chair while everyone else is busy at their stations.
WARD
So this is the place?
GRIMM REAPER
So says him.
(points to a bound and gagged person)
WARD
Ungag him.
MERRYPRANKSTER complies.
HYPERN
it’s the right place, I swear.
This is where we got them from.
This guy sells them and stuff…
WARD
Good.
Midgard.
MIDGARDMETAL stands up.
WARD
Toss him out of an airlock.
Merry.
MERRYPRANKSTER stands at attention.
WARD
Take an Away Team down. Secure the place
and capture the guy we’re here for.
MERRYPRANKSTER
Yes, sir!
WARD
Don’t fuck this up or you’ll b joining
the other guy in the airlock.
MERRYPRANKSTER
Yes sir…
INT. – THE HUB – THE PUB – DAY
GREY WOLF is sitting at the bar, a drink in one hand and several empty glasses set before him, he is swaying and talking.
GREY WOLF
And you know what
I said to those buggers?
IAN is polishing a glass, seemingly listening to him with interest.
GREY WOLF
I said to those buggers.
“Bugger off!”
(laughs and consumes drink in one gulp)
Another!
IAN slides another drink before him.
GREY WOLF
But I’ll be buggered as to where the
group of yellow puffins arrived from.
They just appeared and…
(gropes for words)
and…
Suddenly the doors to the Pub open and a MAN in a slouch hat and long leather coat enters. IAN looks up and nods in greeting.
MAN
I’ll have what he’s having.
IAN slides a drink before the MAN. He tips the drink back and… suddenly spits it out. His hood falls back and we see it’s DMA.
DMA
What the bloody hell is this shit?
IAN
(grins)
Sarsaparilla.
GREY WOLF
(looks up)
Who???
(squints)
There’s a guy I knew once…
what was his name…
(gropes for words)
A damned Aussie he was…
DMA
Who drinks this bloody stuff anyway?
GREY WOLF
Tastes great.
(sways)
DMA
Where is the rest of the crew?
GREY WOLF
Hmmm???
(looks at DMA through drink glass)
You look perplexing…
DMA
(to Ian)
Where is the rest of the crew?
IAN
(flips towel onto shoulder)
Their ship arrived a couple of hours ago,
most of the crew has dispersed through the Hub.
DMA
Damnation.
If you see any of ‘em,
tell them I’m at the ship.
IAN nods and continues polishing glass.
GREY WOLF
Felons the lot of them.
Bloody Aussies…
DMA walks off, halfway to the door he pulls out a wallet and begins rifling through it. Pull in on a card and we see the name GREY WOLF printed on the wallet.
DMA
More than I thought…
GREY WOLF
(musing)
I like to pet sheep…
Slow motion flaring of the DMA’s leather coattail and FADE OUT.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
OTHNIEL is walking dejectedly down the corridor, a mop and shovel over one shoulder, and a plastic five gallon bucket and rubber gloves in hand.
Beside him is STRAHA who is dragging his feet also.
STRAHA
Why do I have to help you?
I mean I didn’t even erase the porn.
I like porn. I reeeaaaally like porn.
OTHNIEL
Doc got tired of all your “Nuke ‘em” comments
STRAHA
So? I say it all the time.
OTHNIEL
It was the meeting with a man to
buy nukes that kinda pushed it.
STRAHA
It was just an innocent talk.
And plus he just claimed to have nukes.
OTHNIEL
Well, the detailed plans on nuking
Ottawa didn’t help either.
STRAHA
That was.. well okay those were cool.
(grins)
LUAKEL and KITJED are walking down the corridor, STRAHA and OTHNIEL stop and watch them.
KITJED
Now, we’ll be stopping first at Tommies,
they have the best ruffled shirts in the Hub,
and then -
LUAKEL looks bored.
LUAKEL
(begging to Othniel)
Get me out of here…
STRAHA
Tough shit N00b. You get
to hang out with the fairy.
KITJED
(standing tall)
Fairy?
STRAHA
(quickly)
The Token Gay Guy on the Ship.
OTHNIEL
Why is Luakel with you anyway?
KITJED
Oh, Doc said we should spend some quality time together.
(grins and runs finGer down Luakel’s arm)
He said to have fun.
LUAKEL shudders and steps away, but KITJED grabs him.
LUAKEL
Please.. help…
KITJED
You’re not going anywhere.
STRAHA
Ha!
He’s gonna so fuck you in the ass!
(laughs)
KITJED sighs and pulls out a taser. STRAHA sees it and begins running down the corridor.
LUAKEL
Wow when motivated he can run fast…
KITJED
Now, lets go shopping.
LUAKEL
(desperately to Othniel)
Please….
OTHNIEL
(sighing)
You know Tommies is a high class place, right?
KITJED
(grinning)
Only the best for me.
OTHNIEL
Are you sure you want to go dressed like that?
PAN to KITJED’s clothes. Nice clean, well pressed, and stylish. He looks down at his clothes and suddenly his face crumples.
KITJED
(near tears)
Oh my God! I almost went out looking like this???
What the hell was I thinking???
(turns and runs off)
I have to change!!!
LUAKEL lets out a sigh of relief.
LUAKEL
Thanks, Oth.
OTHNIEL
Now, help me find Straha. We need to
clean out the waste treatment plant
and now that he’s run off…
LUAKEL
Gotcha.
I’ll go east and you go west.
(turns and runs)
OTHNIEL
But he…
LUAKEL is gone.
OTHNIEL sighs and picks up his cleaning equipment and heads down the corridor.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
DIAMOND is walking along the corridor, in his arms is a large pile of books, he is whistling merrily.
DIAMOND
(to himself)
Well, he won’t miss these from his collection.
(A beat)
or this.
Pull in on DIAMOND and we see a large novelty dildo stuck in his trouser back pocket. He continues whistling merrily. Suddenly LUAKEL rounds a corner and stares at DIAMOND.
DIAMOND
Get outta my way.
LUAKEL
Why do you have a
big dick in your pants?
DIAMOND
(proudly)
The holy sheep blessed me this way.
LUAKEL
Is it made of plastic?
It looks like plastic.
DIAMOND
(pause)
Oh, that…
(Nervous laughter)
It’s a gag… for a friend.
Yeah… yeah.. that sounds reasonable.
LUAKEL
Why does it say “PROPERTY OF DAVE HOWERY” on it?
And why is it ‘S’ shaped? And -
DIAMOND
(angrily)
Must you ask so many questions?
LUAKEL
Should I not ask questions?
DIAMOND
Get out of my way or you’ll be find out why they
call me El Pollo Loco in World 36145-A!
LUAKEL
I think you stepped in gum.
DIAMOND
(struggling to look down, while balancing large pile of books)
Damn it. Who keeps spitting their gum all
over the place! This is the fourth time today.
LUAKEL
I don’t know.
(blows large gum bubble)
Why do you have so many books?
DIAMOND
I like to read.
LUAKEL
Do they have pictures in them?
DIAMOND
Some do.
LUAKEL
(excited)
And nakie pictures?
DIAMOND
(cautious)
Yeah…
LUAKEL
Any naked girl pictures?
DIAMOND
(looking away)
Umm… no.
A heavy silence falls upon the Corridor as LUAKEL and DIAMOND uncomfortably look around.
LUAKEL
I think I’ll go play on the Reactors.
DIAMOND
(unable to look Luakel in the eyes)
You do that.
LUAKEL begins skipping down the Corridor. DIAMOND breathes a sigh of relief and continues on. He suddenly skids on something and crashes into the bulkhead, books flying everywhere. He collapses heavily upon the deck and lays there for a moment, blinking.
DIAMOND
(groaning in pain)
Ow… I think that shouldn’t
be sticking in there…
Oh, why, oh why did I have
to put it in my back pocket?
LUAKEL (OS)
What happened?
DIAMOND
Nothing!
Nothing!
Keep walking!
Don’t look back!!
Fade out
EXT. – THE HUB – DOCKS – DAY
DMA is walking up to a sign that reads “AH.COM SHIP – PRESENTLY DOCKED”. He pauses and hits a large novelty sized red button beneath it. There’s a buzzing sound.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY
A buzzing sound fills the air, G.BONE looks up from where he was sitting, blinking sleepily.
G.BONE
(hitting com button)
Huh?
DMA
I want to get on your ship.
G.BONE
(blinking sleepily)
Are you delivering the pizza?
DMA
NO.
G.BONE
Okay.
G.BONE hits a button and re-nestles his head into his arm and falls back to sleep. DMA pops into view in the teleportation tube, looks around, shrugs, and walks out the door.
Slow motion flaring of the DMA’s leather coattail and FADE OUT.
INT. – TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SHEEP – DAY
PSYCHOMELTDOWN enters the Temple, carrying a plastic bucket, a roll of duct tape, and a ball of twine. He pauses as he spots figure by the Holy Sheep.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it, LUAKEL . If that’s you I’ll
toss you out of the airlock!
(stalks forward)
DMA rises to his feet.
DMA
I’d rethink that that boyo.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(gaping)
Holy shit! It’s DMA!
MICHAEL pops up from behind a pile of cushions, hastily pulling up his pants.
MICHAEL
Huh? DMA?
DMA gives a small wave.
MICHAEL
Well bugger me upside down, it’s DMA!
How the hell are ya?
DMA stands there solemnly.
DMA
I need your help. Gather the crew
and meet in the Battle Room.
MICHAEL
Shit. He’s back thirty seconds
and he’s already giving orders.
DMA
Now!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yes sir!
INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY
DIAMOND is still whistling, but this time sans books, but with the novelty sized dildo in his hands.
He pauses suddenly and sniffs the air.
DIAMOND
What’s burning?
He heads forward down the corridor and suddenly is hit with a thick cloud of smoke.
DIAMOND
Holy crap! FIRE!
He begins running in circles.
FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, what’s going on out here?
FLOCCULENCIO walks out of his quarters, wearing an apron and glaring at DIAMOND.
FLOCCULENCIO
Quit making so much noise!
DIAMOND
Fire! Fire!
FLOCCULENCIO
(looks about)
Oh, that’s just from my cooking.
I’m making curried curry.
DIAMOND
Oh… use the vent next time.
FLOCCULENCIO
I am.
DIAMOND
Damn, it’ll take weeks to get
the smell out of here.
FLOCCULENCIO
Come on, you know you like the smell.
Suddenly DIAMOND’s com unit chirps.
MICHAEL (OS)
Hey, Diamond.
Get your ass to the Battle Room.
DIAMOND
Hell no.
MICHAEL (OS)
We got booze and hookers.
DIAMOND
I’m on my way!
FLOCCULENCIO
Someone say hookers?
(pulls out flask and begins drinking)
I like hookers…
Hey, you forgot your dildo behind!
(beat)
Well. Finders keepers…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY
DMA, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and MICHAEL are gathered in the Battle Room.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Where’s Diamond?
MICHAEL
He was probably jerking off
to the feel of book covers again.
DIAMOND
(enters Room)
What? That’s bullshit.
MICHAEL
Well, Dave did walk in on you.
DIAMOND
That was completely taken out of context!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Not from what Dave said.
DIAMOND
Lies! All of it Lies!
I will fight any man or woman to the
death right here right now to show
you all how much that’s lies.
Long silence.
DIAMOND
Damn straight, it’s all lies
(sits down)
DMA
Things have gone downhill
since Abdul and I left.
MICHAEL
Yeah, they’re even letting
fucking n00bs on the ship now.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Are you channeling Straha?
MICHAEL
Fuck you or I’ll nuke your
ass to radioactive glass.
DIAMOND
Hey, that rhymed.
(beat)
Hey, DMA’s back.
Cool. How’s it going?
DMA
Y’know, the usual.
Got a war brewing and
need all the help I can get.
Sheepist faith in peril.
DIAMOND
Yeah, I hear you.
The other day I lost a bookmark.
MICHAEL
Then he began jerking off to the feel of the book.
DIAMOND
That’s it! You Koala humping
little shit! You’re dead!
DIAMOND begins attacking MICHAEL.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(ignoring fighting)
so, DMA you said something
about the Sheepist Faith in peril?
DMA
Yes.
(rises to his feet)
The dark days have come, my brothers,
the true face of evil has shown it’s… face.
The forces of darkness gather, the True Faith
is in peril from those dark forces.
DIAMOND
(stops beating Michael)
Who forces?
MICHAEL
(groaning)
Why did you have to twist my nipples?
DMA
The cursed Sheep Reformists!
Long silence.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Who’s that?
DMA
There has been a great division in the Faith.
There are those that stand against the true
belief and believe false things.
They are the reformists.
DIAMOND
Well, that sucks.
MICHAEL
So what do you want us to do about it?
DMA
I have returned to enlist your
help, to defeat these cursed people.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hmm.. You know what, it’s been
a while since I played the hero.
MICHAEL
When the hell was that?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh… that last time?
DIAMOND
If the Sheepist Faith is in
peril, then I shall help you.
MICHAEL
Me too!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I mean there was that one time when…
DMA
Good, now let’s get Doc and
get this show on the road!
To the Sheepist World!
MICHAEL
And to Victory!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I mean it, I’ve starred in a few adventures…
Fade out.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
OTHNIEL is running, behind him is puffing STRAHA, a look of murder on his face.
STRAHA
(gasping)
You… bastard… I.. will…kill.. you…
OTHNIEL
Come and get it!
(holds up a baggie of marijuana)
STRAHA
That…is…my…best…stuff…
OTHNIEL
I’ll chuck it out of the air lock!
STRAHA
Will…rape… you…in…your…shower…
OTHNIEL
You have to catch me first!
OTHNIEL ducks into a Lift, STRAHA follows.
Once STRAHA enters, OTHNIEL hits a button and the door shuts, he then tosses the baggie in the corner. STRAHA dives for it.
STRAHA
My precious!
OTHNIEL
(to lift)
Main sewage treatment plant.
STRAHA
What?
(notices cleaning supplies)
Aw, fuck!
INT. –AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
GBW is sitting in the Control Room, feet upon the piloting consoles, reading a book. PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DIAMOND, and MICHAEL storm into the Control Room, looking about.
DIAMOND
Where the hell is he?
GBW
(sighing and marking his page)
Who?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Doctor What.
GBW
(rolling eyes)
He’s out.
MICHAEL
Quit this passive aggressiveness bullshit, bookworm.
Or by the Holy Sheep I’ll shove your
bloody noggin’ through the view screen.
Both PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DIAMOND look at MICHAEL, impressed.
GBW
He’s away.
(Michael glares)
He went to Mistress Ogla’s.
He won’t be back for days…
DIAMOND
Hmmm… she’s opened a place in the Hub?
GBW
Yeah.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Sweet. Now I can get beat by a psychotic woman.
Michael
Or you could just ask Yuppie to do it.
Long thoughtful pause by all.
DIAMOND
She takes far too much pleasure in doing it…
Everyone nods.
GBW
Why do you need Doc?
DIAMOND
Well…
Suddenly DMA bursts into the Control Room, he’s swaying and clutching a pony keg of Foster’s in his hands.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn. He’s been on board for only ten mintues…
MICHAEL
(proudly)
He’s an Aussie.
(wipes away tear)
THUD! DMA collapses to the deck, his pony keg rolling away. DIAMOND quickly picks it up and begins drinking it.
GBW
Hey, DMA’s back.
(shrugs and begins reading again)
MICHAEL
Quit changing the bloody topic.
(raises fist)
Where is Doc?
DIAMOND
(slurping loudly)
Umm… We already know where he is.
MICHAEL
Oh.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Now what are we gonna do?
DIAMOND
Where’s Grey?
GBW
Where do you think?
MICHAEL
Olga’s?
GBW
(rolls eyes)
The Pub.
The three Sheepist think for a moment. They look at one another and all suddenly share the same grin.
DIAMOND
You thinking what I’m thinking?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, yeah.
The three suddenly all laugh. Then they turn to GBW.
MICHAEL
Leo still on board?
GBW
Yes.
DIAMOND
And you’re still on board.
GBW
(wary)
Uh-huh.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You still have that frilly pink dress?
Everyone stares at him.
DIAMOND
What in the hell were you thinking of?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(embarrassed)
Um…
(grabs GBW by the shirt front)
You’re gonna pilot this ship to the Sheepist World!
(shaking him)
And we want no lip from you!
GBW
(shoves Psychomeltdown away)
You know Doc’s gonna be very angry.
(smoothes down shirt front)
MICHAEL
(grabs GBW by the shirt front)
You’re going pilot this ship to the Sheepist World!
(shaking him)
And we want no lip flapping from you!
Got it?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dude, did he just copy what I said?
DIAMOND
(slurring)
Man, I don’t know.
(swaying)
I’m so drunk off my ass right now.
THUD! DIAMOND collapses to the deck.
GBW
Alright. Alright. I’ll do it.
Just stop messing up my shirtfront.
I just ironed this.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL give a high five.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Onward to the Sheepist World!
MICHAEL
And to VICTORY!!!!
The two begin cheering and jumping up and down. DMA and DIAMOND groan.
GBW
(sighing and pushing buttons)
Oh, man. This is going so end badly…
EXT. – OUTSIDE A STRONGHOLD – DAY
There is heavy sounds of gun fire. Pull in on it and we see it’s the CF.NET crew firing away from a fortified position. Around them lie scores of dead creatures, but still more ar coming and it looks like they’re gonna be overrun.
MERRYPRANKSTER
Call the ship.
FORTYSEVEN
Away Team to ship.
Away Team to ship.
INT. – CF.NET SHIP – WARD’S READY ROOM – DAY
WARD and GRIMM REAPER are playing cards.
WARD
You have any sevens?
GRIMM REAPER
No.
WARD
God d-
Suddenly the comm begins chirping.
WARD angrily hits it.
WARD
What?
FAEELIN (OS)
Sir, we’ve got communication
from the surface below.
WARD
Patch them through.
MERRYPRANKSTER (OS)
Sir. We’re being overun.
They were far more than we thought.
WARD
And who’s damn fault is that?
MERRYPRANKSTER (OS)
Mine sir?
WARD
Damn straight.
This is your mess and you deal with it.
MERRYPRANKSTER (OS)
But sir…
WARD
Ship OUT.
(turns of comm)
GRIMM REAPER
Bit harsh, no?
WARD
Kid needs to learn to be on his own.
GRIMM REAPER
We could lose some of the crew.
WARD
So?
GRIMM REAPER
Right.
EXT. – OUTSIDE A STRONGHOLD – DAY
MERRYPRANKSTER sets down the comm unit.
FORTYSEVEN
Are they sending reinforcements?
MERRYPRANKSTER
How much ammunition do we have?
FORTYSEVEN
Not much… why?
MERRYPRANKSTER
We’re on our own.
BULGAROKTONOS
they’re coming again! This time a shit load of them!
ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
I’m out of ammo!
MERRYPRANKSTER tosses his rifle at ROMULUS AGUSTULUS and pulls out his sword.
FORTYSEVEN
What are we going to do?
MERRYPRANKSTER
Fight or die.
He stands watching the oncoming horde.
END ACT I
ACT II
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
The AH.com ship appears to have collided with an asteroid,
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROM – DAY
Alert alarms are blaring everywhere, smoke, sparking consoles, and heavy cursing fills the Control Room.
DMA
Alright who reeks of curry?
FLOCCULENCIO
That’d be me, guv.
DMA
Oh, hey there, nice to meet you.
(shakes Flocc’s hand)
GBW
Hey, we sot a situation brewing here…
DMA
I thought you said you could
pilot this bloody thing?
GBW
I can. It’s… it’s Leo’s fault.
LEO CAESIUS
I will not bear the blame for your piloting errors.
I have expressly stated by disapproval in this errand
you are all on. Doctor What was not informed, the
senior crew is not on board, and –
DMA
Shut that thing up.
LEO CAESIUS
I am not a thi-
MICHAEL
Got it!
Dave installed a mute button after Leo
kept complaining about the reactor core
temps being too high. Pfft.
DMA
Good. Now load up a shuttle and
let’s get down to the planet.
GBW
Hey, the whole ship’s damaged.
You mean to leave it like this?
DMA
We have important things to do…
Wait. Are the weapons on line?
GBW
No. no they aren’t.
DMA
Damn. Alright, Michael you go to the armory
and load as much BFGs and other weapons
you can carry.
MICHAEL
Umm.. I don’t have the access key.
DMA
What?
MICHAEL
Weapon M put in an access lock on the armory after
we kept stealing his Militia Babes Wank Magazine.
DMA
We don’t have any weapons?
DIAMOND
We’ve got what we’ve kept in our quarters.
Not much but it’ll be sure to turn the tide
against damned Sheep Reformists.
DMA
Right…Damn. Alright let’s get into a
shuttle and down to the planet’s surface.
DIAMOND
Um… looks like we’ve got a hull breach
and that whole section is closed off.
DMA
Damn.
GBW
We’ll need all hands to fix that…
DMA
No. we go down to the planet.
FLOCCULENCIO
What about the ship?
DMA
GBW, you’re in charge of repairing the vessel.
GBW
What? I’m not an engineer.
DMA
What you want Psycho or G.Bone to fix it?
GBW
Right, I get your point…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey! That’s not cool.
GBW
What are you doing up here?
Who the hell is in engineering?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Was I supposed to be in engineering?
DMA
Alright we teleport down.
DIAMOND
Dude, you’d better rethink that bit.
DMA
Why?
FLOCCULENCIO
Uh… G.Bone is not the most competent
with the Teleportation Tubes…
G.BONE
Hey! I’m right here!
GBW
What the hell?
You’re supposed to be in the
Teleportation Tube Room!
G.BONE
Am I?
Really?
DMA
We have to risk it.
The whole Sheepist Religion may be in jeopardy
if we do not get down to the surface!
Dramatic Silence.
GBW
Look, the ship’s in prett-
MICHAEL
Shhh… We’re having a dramatic moment here.
GBW sighs and crosses his arms, waiting.
DMA
Alright. Done.
Off we go.
Everyone heads out, GBW sighs and follows.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
The crew walks down a corridor, heading to the Teleportation Tube Room. LUAKEL rounds a corner, running after them.
LUAKEL
Hey, where are you guys going?
You’re not leaving me behind are you?
Come on guys, you can’t leave me behind
when you go on every mission.
Please can I come?
DMA
You’re a damned kid. What are we gonna do with a kid?
GBW
Please don’t leave him behind.
MICHAEL
He’s annoying yeah, but if there’s trouble we can
use him as a sacrifical pawn as we make our escape.
DMA
You speak sense, Michael.
MICHAEL
It’s my Aussie Practicality.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Is that why you scratch your ass so much?
MICHAEL
That’s just for the pure pleasure of it.
DMA
Alright, Luakel, you can come with us.
LUAKEL
Yay. Do I get a gun?
DMA
Not bloody likely.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY
The crew, DMA, MICHAEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, FLOCC, DIAMOND, and LUAKEL are standing on the Teleportation Tube Pad, waiting.
G.BONE
I think it was this button…
GBW
(smiling tightly)
Well it wa fun knowing you all.
DMA
What does that mean?
GBW
Err…
G.BONE
I got it!
(hits a button)
There’s a screeching noise and a loud pop. The crew is gone and the teleportation console lights up with a lot of red light.
G.BONE
Oops. I don’t think that was supposed to happen…
GBW is looking at G.BONE quizzically.
GBW
What happened?
G.BONE
Er… I think… er…
Damn. I dunno.
GBW
Did we just have a teleportation malfunction?
G.BONE
Hey, this is unproven technology.
GBW
No. No it’s not.
We’ve been using it for years and we got it
from a civilization that’s been using it for decades,
and they’ve never had any problems with it.
G.BONE
Err…
(scratching head)
Damn.
GBW
(rubbing temples)
I knew this was gonna end badly.
I just knew it.
G.BONE
It hasn’t ended yet… I think.
(hits button)
I don’t think they were atomized…
They probably were rematerialized on the planet…
Hopefully.
GBW
Okay, where are they?
G.BONE presses some buttons on his console, pauses, and looks confused, and presses more buttons.
G.BONE
Um… looks like most of them made it to
the right destination. Luakel and Diamond
are somewhere in northern Germany.
GBW
(gasps)
But that’s Reformist territory!
G.BONE
You don’t have to gasp like that.
GBW
Hey, I like to add a little dramatic
flare. DMA got to have his.
G.BONE
Well, it’s lost on me.
(stares far away and a single tear rolls down his cheek)
GBW
Uh… where’s Flocc then?
G.BONE
(tapping console)
Looks like he’s been teleported toward what
would have been called the Middle East.
GBW
Hmmm.. didn’t DMA say something about that?
G.BONE
Dunno.
GBW
Is there anything you even know?
G.BONE
Um…
(long pause)
Shut up!
GBW
Well, we’ve got the main group in the
right place. I’m sure they’ll be alright…
CUT TO:
EXT. – SHEEPIST HOLY CITY – DAY
DMA, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and MICHAEL are standing around. Several robed men and women come out.
MAN
Brother DMA, you’ve returned.
DMA
Like I said I would!
MAN
How unfortunate.
GUARDS!
MICHAEL
Okay, what the fuck did we
just get ourselves into?
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY
G.BONE
well, there are among fellow Sheepist
so they should be at home.
(sighs wistfully)
GBW
As for Diamond and Luakel..
Who knows what the Reformist will
do to them. Those poor poor bastards…
INT. – REFORMIST STRONGHOLD – NIGHT
DIAMOND
Damn it G.Bone.
(looks around and see Luakel)
Ah, shit. I get stuck with the kid?
LUAKEL
Are we in the right place?
This doesn’t look like Australia.
It’s not like it is in the Mad Max movies.
MAN
What is this? We have intruders?
There’s a hiss of metal as a weapon is drawn. DIAMOND backs off and pushes LUAKEL before him.
Several men approach them.
DIAMOND
Damn it. I knew I should have just kept on drinking.
LUAKEL
Are we gonna die?
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY
G.BONE
Those cursed reformist will surely tear
him limb from limb and feast upon his flesh.
GBW
uh.. why would they?
G.BONE
They’re reformist!
They’re savage monsters.
GBW
Just because they believe
something different from you?
G.BONE
Well… yes.
GBW
Okay….
I wonder where Flocc went?
EXT. – MIDDLE EAST – ROCKY WASTELAND – NIGHT
FLOCCULENCIO groans and gets to his feet, dusting off his coat and readjusting his fedora.
FLOCCULENCIO
Well, looks like Australia.
But where are all the bloody sheep?
There’s a scurrying sound. FLOCCULENCIO looks about, wary.
Suddenly from all around him rise odd-looking shapes. The air is filled with odd growling and groaning noises.
FLOCCULENCIO
(unperturbed)
Well, this can’t be good.
(pulls out flask and begins drinking)
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY
GBW
Okay, look. We’ve got a damaged ship.
Dave’s not on board, the teleportation tubes
are obviously malfunctioning. We need to
get the engines back online and the
teleportation tubes working right.
G.BONE
Ummm.. okay.
GBW
Right I’ll try to fix the engines.
You work on the teleportation tubes.
G.BONE
(excitedly)
Hey, look a coloring book!
GBW
(sighing)
I think I’ll throw myself out of the air lock…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LIFT – DAY
STRAHA and OTHNIEL are sitting in the Lift, looking bored.
OTHNIEL
I wonder when they’ll figure out the lift is broken?
STRAHA
Might be days. Weeks maybe.
Enough time for one of us to go crazy,
kill the other, and turn cannibal…
OTHNIEL
I think I’ll sit on the other side of the lift…
STRAHA
You do that. While I’ll do this..
STRAHA pulls out a baggie and begins rolling a doobie.
Soon smoke begins filling the lift.
OTHNIEL
Could you not do that?
STRAHA
Fuck off. This’ll keep me calm, so that I
don’t go crazy, kill you, rape your corpse,
and then wear your flayed skin like some
Silence of the Lambs reject.
Silence descends in the lift and STRAHA continues smoking.
EXT. – MIDDLE EAST – ROCKY WASTELAND – NIGHT
The growling and shapes turn out to be men in ragged clothing and carrying clubs. FLOCCULENCIO lifts his flask up and begins drinking. Suddenly the men with clubs come to a halt.
GOAT CHIEF
The sign!
FLOCCULENCIO
Hmmm??
GOAT CHIEF
You carry the sacred sign!
FLOCCULENCIO looks down at the flask in his hands, it’s got a penatgrm and in the center of it a goat’s head.
FLOCCULENCIO
Oh, this? This was given to me by a friend.
Good chap named Stan.. I think.
GOAT CHIEF
We were told that a man from the air would
appear and bear that sign. That he would
lead us to greatness!
The GOAT CHIEF pulls up a sleeve and it has a pentagram with a goat’s head in the venter.
FLOCCULENCIO
Wait, who are you guys?
GOAT CHIEF
We are the Believers of the Goat, the last of the great
tribes that once ruled these lands before the Sheepist scum
destroyed out empires and scattered our people to the
deepest inhospitable lands…
FLOCCULENCIO
Isn’t that neat.
GOAT CHIEF
Welcome honored guest.
Welcome.
INT. – REFORMIST STRONGHOLD – NIGHT
The GUARDS shove both DIAMOND and LUAKEL into a darkened room. All is quiet.
DIAMOND
Hello?
LUAKEL
I’m scared.
DIAMOND
I keep saying, shut up.
VOICE
(labored breathing)
Come…forward…
DIAMOND and LUAKEL both walk forward, and a light is turned on. Before them, in a wheelchair and looking pale and withered is an ALTERNATE DIAMOND.
ALTER DIAMOND
Ah, it is ture then… There are
multiple… universes out there.
DIAMOND
Yeah… umm.. what the hell are you?
ALTER DIAMOND
The Holy Sheep has… answered my prayers.
LUAKEL
Did you wish for a pony?
Cuz I’d like a pony…
ALTER DIAMOND
Shut up!
The two men look at one another.
ALTER DIAMOND
We are much alike… This is why the
Holy… Sheep has sent you here.
DIAMOND
Well I wouldn’t call G.Bone the Holy Sheep,
more like an incompetent lay about.
ALTER DIAMOND
The Holy Sheep… knew this vessel would…
be dying and it sent… another to continue the… work.
DIAMOND
Vessel? I’m no vessel.
LUAKEL
What work?
ALTER DIAMOND
The sheepist faith… is torn apart, the old order…
is corrupt and bloated, they… live their lives in
hedonistic… fashion and only think of lining…
their pockets with weed …rather than the hearts
and… souls of the people…
DIAMOND
You’re the leader of the Reformists?
ALTER DIAMOND
The Holy Sheep.. has … chosen me to…be… it’s
hand here… to bring about change… and the true
meaning… of the faith…
LUAKEL
Why do you talk all weird?
ALTER DIAMOND
I.. am… dying…
DIAMOND
Man, that sucks…
ALTER DIAMOND
Someone.. must take over…for me…
The Holy Sheep… has sent a replacement…
another me…to continue the work…
DIAMOND
I don’t think so. We actually
came here to stop you…
LUAKEL
Yes…we…did…
DIAMOND
(smacks Luakel on the side of the head)
Shut up.
ALTER DIAMOND
I too…once…believed in the Sheepist Faith…
as it is now…but the Holy Sheep… showed me
the light…I guess now…I must show you…
what it is they showed…me…
(rings a bell)
The doors open and in comes a man, dressed in black with a golden sheep’s head emblazed on his chest. He is FLOID.
FLOID
Yes, sir?
(double take as he sees the two Diamonds)
How…
ALTER DIAMOND
The Holy Sheep… has answered our…
prayers. He will take… over for me…
DIAMOND
Wait a minute. I didn’t say anything of the sort.
ALTER DIAMOND
But as I was… when I first discovered the…
truth, he is resistant. Tell him… tell him the truth…
FLOID
Yes, sir…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LIFT – DAY
STRAHA and OTHNIEL are both giggling, the air is thick with smoke.
STRAHA
Oh, man I’m so stoned…
OTHNIEL
Everything seems so funny, but it’s really not.
STRAHA
Yeah.
They both laugh.
INT. – SHEEPIST HOLY CITY – DAY
DMA, MICHAEL, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are both dragged before a man in a huge golden chair shaped like a Sheep. The SHEEP POPE.
SHEEP POPE
You were told never to return, DMA.
DMA
I serve the Holy Sheep, not you.
SHEEP POPE
You refuse to listen to reasion.
DMA
You are all cowardly fools!
We do not negotiate with other
religions. We destroy them!
JIHAD!!!
MICHAEL
JIHAD!!!!
PSYCHOMELDOWN
JIHAD!!!!
SHEEP POPE
Shut up.
DMA
I will not be silenced!
SHEEP POPE
Guards! Take him to the dungeons!
DMA
The Holy Sheep does not approve of this!!!
INT. – REFORMIST STRONGHOLD – NIGHT
DIAMOND looks shocked.
DIAMOND
(shaking head)
I did not know they had become so corrupt…
ALTER DIAMOND
They have…lost…the way…
FLOID
Now we fight them.
ALTER DIAMOND
I am…dying…will.. you take over for…me?
DIAMOND
(long pause)
Yes. Yes I will.
Alter DIAMOND
Thank…the Holy Sheep…
(dies)
FLOID
A great man has just died.
DIAMOND
Give me all the records and dealings
we’ve had with the Sheep Papist. I
need to know what’s been happening.
FLOID
Yes, sir.
DIAMOND
And get rid of this body.
FLOID
If your friend would stop
sitting on its lap, sir.
DIAMOND
Damn, Luakel. Get off that body!
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LIFT – DAY
STRAHA is screaming.
STRAHA
Oh, shit! Why the fuck did you bite me!
OTHNIEL
I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
It was the weed!
STRAHA
Oh, god! I’m bleeding!
OTHNIEL
I was suddenly very hungry!
You just looked so delicious.
STRAHA
Ahhhh!!!!!
INT. – SHEEPIST HOLY CITY – DANK CELL – DAY
DMA, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and MICHAEL are sitting in the cell looking bored.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Your could have told us that they would toss us in a cell once we arrived.
DMA
Then you wouldn’t have come.
MICHAEL
Did they have to beat us?
DMA
Well, you maybe.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why did they throw us in a cell anyway?
Aren’t you like the biggest Sheepist Holy Guy?
DMA
I’ve been here for several months.
MICHAEL
Right. After that long everyone wants you dead.
DMA
(glaring)
My views on the sheepist faith have been
proving too popular for those that are in charge.
MICHAEL
Wow, that’s a whole coherent sentence…
DMA
My buzz is wearing off.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So the whole “JIHAD ON THEIR ARSES”
thing wasn’t flying with the Guys in Power?
DMA
Yes. Plus things really soured after I tried
to do an Aussie Special on the Sheep Pope.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What’s an Aussie Special?
MICHAEL
Fucking someone in the arse.
Long silence.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So how do we get out of here?
DMA
Hope that G.Bone teleports out.
MICHAEL
Well that’s a lone hope.
DMA
Use our keen wits and skills to get out of here.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I guess that means we’re screwed…
MICHAEL
Pretty much.
(long pause)
Wait I think I have an idea.
MICHAEL walks up to the heavy metal door.
MICHAEL
Hey, guards!
GUARD 1
What?
MICHAEL
Can you let us go?
GUARD 2
Fuck you.
MICHAEL
(shrugging)
I tried my best…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I guess it’s me to the rescue.
MICHAEL
How odd is that, that of all the adventures
we’ve gotten into, you’ve never really did
anything or weren’t even involved at all. It’s
like now you’re purposely being given the
lead role in this little adventure.
DMA
Yeah. This is supposed to be about ME.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Fine, I’ll just sit here and keep my mouth shut.
MICHAEL
Finally he gets the idea.
Long silence.
DMA
Fine. Do what you were going to do, even though
this all seems like some sort of sickening piece of
ego stroking. Any moment now I’m going to engage
in some rough prison sex and I prefer my rough
prison sex with fellow descendants of felons.
(winks at Michael)
MICHAEL
Hurry up, get us out of here.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN walks up to the heavy metal door.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, guard!
GUARD 1
What?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, my friends here thinks you guys are cute.
GUARD 2
(interested)
Really?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, they’re Aussies so you know
they’ll do things normal people won’t.
MICHAEL
(nodding)
It’s true.
There’s a muffled rushing of boot steps and the heavy metal door swings open. The GUARDS begins hastily unbuttoning their pants.
GUARD 1
Which one wants to go first?
DMA suddenly lets out a judo chop, knocking the GUARD 1 down.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN lets loose with a kick to GUARD 2’s crotch, he collapses to the floor letting out a high pitched wail.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(screaming)
Who’s the tough guy now?
(kicking Guard 2 in the crotch)
Who’s the tough guy now, huh?
(kicking Guard 2 in the crotch)
Who’s the tough guy now!!!
DMA and MICHAEL drag PSYCHOMELTDOWN away from GUARD 2, who’s lying there, eyes rolled up, and groaning.
DMA
What the hell was that all about?
MICHAEL
Repressed anger issues.
DMA
Right.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(panting)
I’m alright. I’m alright.
DMA
Now, let’s get going, I have people
I need to find and soon I will be
JIHAD ON ALL THEIR ARSES!
MICHAEL
Finally we have some movement in the plotline.
INT. – REFORMIST STRONGHOLD – DAWN
DIAMOND eyes are bloodshot and he looks like he hasn’t gotten any sleep Around him are stacks of papers and all manner of documents. LUAKEL is curled up in a pile of papers.
Although looking tired as hell, he is staring at a television before him.
ALTER DIAMOND
The Sheep Papists must be destroyed! They have lost
the way! They are fools and they are idiots. We must
wipe them from the earth! We must crush their bones
and make our bread! We must bur their homes! We
must raze their cities and cast them into the oceans! We must-
DIAMOND turns it off with disgust.
LUAKEL wakes up.
LUAKEL
What’s going on?
DIAMOND
I should have taken a few moments to look over
the information before making a decision. Have
you read any of this stuff? This guy was a fucking
psycho. All he screamed about was killing everyone
and razing this and razing that.
LUAKEL
Cool.
DIAMOND
And the Sheep Papist did all they could to placate him.
They weren’t the ones looking for a fight, the Reformists were…
(shakes head)
LUAKEL
so do we run off now?
DIAMOND
No. The other Diamond was right. The Sheep Papist
are corrupt, waaaay more than we ever thought. But
I don’t know which is worse… But if the two factions
begin fighting then they’ll be embroiled in a war that’ll
last years. Both sides will be desttoyed int eh process.
LUAKEL
Quite the dilemma, no?
DIAMOND
There must be a better way…
LUAKEL
Don’t you find it weird that they have technology,
but they fight with swords and bows?
I mean what’s up with that?
DIAMOND
(wearily)
Shut up, Luakel.
MONTAGE: with dramatic sounding music.
DMA gesticulates wildly, a look of near madness and foaming from the mouth grace his face. Before him march PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL holding up signs reading: DEATH TO THE REFORMISTS! and THERE IS ONLY ONE TRUE RELIGION!
DIAMOND is talking with men and women in robes, from their bearing and seemingly deep conversation, they are educated men and women. They all hold copies of the REFORMIST BIBLE and seem to be discussing it.
FLOCCULENCIO is standing in a rocky meadow, goats milling about him. He looks content.
GBW is reading a book entitled: “BASIC MAINTENANCE FOR MULTIVERSE SHIFT ENGINES VOL. 4”. Beside him are half a dozen other books all dealing with Shift Engine repair.
G.BONE is happily coloring away.
OTHNIEL and STRAHA are pacing back and forth in the Lift, they glare at one another and continue pacing.
DMA gesticulates wildly still, but this time there’s a huge mob before him and they’re all carrying signs that read “DEATH TO THE REFORMISTS”.
DIAMOND is still in deep conversation with learned men and women.
The REFORMIST ARMY, in their gold Ram Heads one a black background, are seen marching across the land.
The SHEEPIST ARMY with their Red Ewe on a white background are marching across the land.
LUAKEL looks bored.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN is standing impatiently in a long line to use a Port-a-Potty.
MICHAEL runs away from a couple of plastic ducklings displayed in a store window.
INT. – REFORMIST STRONGHOLD – DAY
DIAMOND looks at himself in the mirror, a severe black uniform with a ram head colored gold on his chest.
DIAMOND
How tacky.
He walks into his chamber and kicks LUAKEL who’s lying on his bed.
DIAMOND
Get up you little bastard.
LUAKEL
Mommy?
DIAMOND
No.
LUAKEL
What you we doing?
DIAMOND
I’ve discovered that these guys
have a type of teleportation system.
LUAKEL
And?
DIAMOND
We’re going on a little trip.
LUAKEL
I need to take a piss first.
INT. – SHEEPIST HOLY CITY – NIGHT
The SHEEP POPE is pacing back and forth.
SHEEP POPE
This can’ be happening.
How does a man just flee our dungeons
and manage to raise up a huge army?
AIDE
I don’t know sir.
SHEEP POPE
He must be stopped.
AIDE
I’ve got a couple of agents who
can do the deed at a moment’s notice.
SHEEP POPE
But what will become of the army?
AIDE
It should fall apart due to lack of leadership and
the Reformist Army will tear it to bloody chunks.
SHEEP POPE
Damn, if the Reformist weren’t ready to attack,
we could have stopped this. If DMA attacks them,
then we’ll be embroiled in a war that’ll last decades.
DIAMOND
I think I can help with that.
LUAKEL
Me too.
DIAMOND
I told you to stay quiet.
SHEEP POPE
What is this!
Guards!
DIAMOND
There is no need to call the guards.
I have come here to help you in your predicament.
SHEEP POPE
(suspicious)
How so??
DIAMOND
Sit down and we’ll talk about what I’ve been
talking about with my philosophers and theologians…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LIFT – DAY
OTHNIEL
So you see it was to test his faith.
STRAHA
Well that’s just fucked up. Why would God do
that to a man, he didn’t get anything out of it and
that guy was like: “I love God” and still he fucked
him up hardcore. And for what? A bet?
OTHNIEL
It was s test…
STRAHA
Yeah, still, it’s pretty fucked up. That guy should
have just said “Fuck you, God” packed up his shit
and kicked it with Buddha or something.
(shakes head)
Well, let me tell you what I believe…
LATER…
STRAHA
So, you have to keep track of the PH levels or
else you get some fucking skunk weed who’s
only purpose is shit wipes.
OTHNIEL
What about the stuff they grew in water?
STRAHA
You mean that hydroponics shit? That’s pure crap.
It’s like smoking something crapped out by a vegan
tree humper who ate too much leaves and twigs.
You ignore that shit and go with the good stuff grown
in dirt. The high is better and the flavor is second to none.
OTHNIEL nods.
LATER STILL…
STRAHA
So I was like “Back off asshole, no one’s
sticking anything in my ass except me”
STRAHA and OTHNIEL both laugh.
STRAHA
Yeah, then I stabbed him in
the neck with a mechanical pencil.
OTHNIEL
It’s been a while now, I
wonder if they’re looking for us?
STRAHA
I don’t know. Those are some lazy bastards
out there, they couldn’t find their own dicks
if it was taped to their hands and glowing neon.
OTHNIEL
Yeah, maybe…
STRAHA
Then this one time there was this…
EXT – BATTLEFIELD – SHEEPIST ARMY – DAY
DMA
We have gathered here to face the terrible threat that
faces our religion. Across yond field lies the cursed
army of the Sheep Reformist, misguided fools and
idiots who must be destroyed and their bodies hacked
to pieces, their homes and businesses destroyed, their
land salted and cursed, and a large fifty foot wall built
around the area they call their territory so all that may
know what happens when they assume they can break
away from the True Sheepist Faith!
The army cheers.
MICHAEL
Hell yeah. Let’s maim and
slaughter those Reformists fiends!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This is so my time to shine. I’ll do
great deeds in this upcoming battle.
MICHAEL
You’ll be canon fodder, asshole.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why must you constantly destroy al my dreams?
MICHAEL
Because I can.
EXT. – BATTLEFIELD – REFORMIST ARMY – DAY
FLOID stands with a group of officers.
FLOID
Today we are here to defend the true religion of the world.
The corrupt and bloated belief of the sheep papist will not
extend their fetid reach into our lands and if they do, we
shall fight to the bloody end!
The officers all cheer.
FLOID
For Diamond and the Reformist Faith!
Behind him the Reformist army cheers and draw their weapons.
INT. – SHEEP HOLY CITY – NIGHT
The SHEEP POPE looks oustounded.
SHEEP POPE
You would be willing to do this?
DIAMOND
Yes. I’ve thought on it long and hard.
SHEEP POPE
But you’d be giving up so much.
DIAMOND
I understand, but as long as you stay on your side…
SHEEP POPE
We will…
DIAMOND
There has been too much bloodshed already. Our two
faiths are not so much dissimilar that in time we cannot
grew to stand one another, but if we go to war now,
then all will be lost.
SHEEP POPE
I so agree, plus wars are so costly.
DIAMOND
Then we have an agreement?
SHEEP POPE
Yes, but we must hurry, our armies
are about to engage in battle…
LUAKEL
I’m bored…
DIAMOND
Shut up.
EXT. –BATTLEFIELD – SHEEPIST ARMY – DAY
DMA
Get ready!
EXT. –BATTLEFIELD – REFORMIST ARMY – DAY
FLOID
Archers to the ready line!
EXT. –BATTLEFIELD – DAY
There is a great and sudden boom that fills the air. Before the two armies appear two massive holographic images, on of the SHEEP POPE, the other of DIAMOND. Both armies stop and stare.
SHEEP POPE/DIAMOND
CEASE AND DESIST. THERE WILL BE NO WAR.
THERE WILL BE NO FIGHTING. THE TWO FACTIONS
OF THE SHEEPIST FAITH WILL NOT WAR WITH ONE
ANOTHER. THERE IS A BETTER WAY. PUT DOWN
YOUR WEAPONS AND RETURN HOME. ANY WHO
REFUSE TO STOP FIGHTING, THEY WILL FACE OUR WRATH.
EXT. –BATTLEFIELD – SHEEPIST ARMY – DAY
DMA
This is bollocks! Ignore this wanker and charge!!!!
Suddenly a dozen men in black outfits pop into view, they fire tranquilizer darts at DMA, who clutches his chest and falls dramatically.
MICHAEL
DMA!
He runs forward and gets knocked down by the fired tranqs.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Michael!
He runs forward and gets knocked down by the fired tranqs.
The SHEEPIST ARMY mutters and begins breaking up.
EXT. –BATTLEFIELD – REFORMIST ARMY – DAY
FLOID
Not attack?
This is madness…
OFFICER
What do we do sir?
FLOID
The sheepist are leaving… there will be no
battle today, but this betrayal will not be forgotten…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LIFT – DAY
STRAHA
Y’know your not that bad, for a religious close-minded twat.
OTHNIEL
And you’re not bad for a abrasive, uncaring, jerk.
They both nod.
STRAHA
Though you know once they get us out of here,
I’m gonna still mock your faith, your personality,
and the fucked up way you dress, right?
OTHNIEL
And I will still pray for your soul
and try to mend your hedonistic ways.
STRAHA
As long a we have an understanding…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY
GBW is sitting at the control console, which is dismantled and showing all it’s electronic bit. In his hands he’s holding a book titled: “MAINTENANCE AND REPAIR – TELEPORTATION TUBE CONTROLS”. He gingerly connects some wires and suddenly the console lights up.
GBW
I think… I think…
Yes, I think I’ve got it to work!
G.BONE
Hey, looks I’ve finished coloring!
(hands coloring book to GBW)
GBW
You didn’t color within the lines.
G.BONE
(angrily)
Color in the lines? This is about imagination
you By-The-Rules-Imagination-less-Fiend!
GBW
I just –
G.BONE
You always put me down!
You never compliment the job I do!
GBW
Look, you’ve been coloring since we got here. That
book’s only got two pictures in it. How long does it
take to color? I on the other hand have managed to
fix the reactor and now I’ve fixed the
controls for the Teleportation Tubes.
G.BONE
See! You never have anything nice to say!
GBW
(sighing)
I give up. I mean it this time. I’m
gonna throw myself out of the air lock.
G.BONE
Hey, I got a lock on the away team.
I’m gonna teleport them back up.
GBW
Wait, I’m the on who fixed it,
I should be the one to teleport them up!
G.BONE hits the teleportation button.
G.BONE
It’s done!
GBW
Wanker!
INT. – REFORMIST STRONGHOLD – DAY
A SERVANT is staring wide eyed at DIAMOND, who hands him a heavy looking stack of papers.
SERVANT
What is this sir?
DIAMOND
In the middle of the night, the Holy Sheep showed me
more truth. In your hands you hold an addition to the
body of works I had previously written.
I’ve even included some nifty maps.
SERVANT
What am I to do, sir?
DIAMOND
Take them tot he Printer and make sure everyone,
and I mean everyone, gets a copy ofit. Understand?
SERVANT
Yes, sir…
DIAMOND
Now go.
The servant leaves, hurrying out.
LUAKEL
What was that?
DIAMOND
Hopefully something to fix all
the damage my alter was creating…
LUAKEL
Cool.
DIAMOND
(looking at watch)
Any moment now…
LUAKEL
What?
Suddenly SOLDIERS burst into the room, leading them is FLOID. Weapons drawn the SOLDIERS surround the two, while FLOID sneers at them.
FLOID
I had hoped that this turn of events was only some
sick and twisted nightmare, but obviously it’s not.
Peace with the Sheep Papist?
DIAMOND
It was the only recourse.
FLOID
How wrong you are.
The only recourse would have been fighting to the
bitter end and killing as many as the Papists as we
could! If we went out then we would have clawed
the Papist nice and good while we went down!
DIAMOND
Alright why is everyone crazy warmongering psychopaths?
FLOID
Because we are the radical element of a religion
that is based upon destroying all its competition?
DIAMOND
Oh.. I finally get it.
(beat)
So what now?
FLOID
Now? Now, you and your little toy here die.
LUAKEL
Toy?
I’m too young to die!
DIAMOND
(to Luakel)
I’m too pretty to die, but you don’t
hear me whining about it do you?
Bows are drawn and swords readied.
FLOID
Kill ‘em! Kill ‘em all!!!
INT. – SHEEP PAPIST CITY – NIGHT
DMA, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and MICHAEL are dragged into the SHEEP POPE’s audience chamber.
SHEEP POPE
You have proven yourself a radical element in
our plans for a peaceful domination of this world, DMA.
DMA
I only do what the holy scrolls tell me is right.
SHEEP POPE
Well, what ever they may say to you,
you’ve proven to be a thorn in our sides.
DMA
You can’t kill me. I’m a True Believer in the Faith,
and the scrolls say I can’t be killed
by the hands of a fellow sheepist!
SHEEP POPE
True, but that does not apply to Savage Heathens.
DMA
Savage-
(eyes widen)
No…
SHEEP POPE
(grinning)
As of this afternoon, by the College of
Holy Sheepist Cardinals, you and your
friends here have been excommunicated
from the Church.
DMA
You can’t…
SHEEP POPE
Now your status is that of a Savage Heathen,
to be abused and tortured in all manner of
pleasing ways. Guards!
Take him to the Torture Room.
MICHAEL
What about us?
SHEEP POPE
Oh, you’re of no importance. You’ll be killed here.
Executioners! Behead these two!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
DMA, do something…
DMA
I’ll pray for you.
MICHAEL
Do something better…
The two EXECUTIONERS arrive and raise their axes.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I never even got to cop a
feel of an Alyson Hannigan alternate..
MICHAEL
I’ve never known the touch of a man…
The axes descend.
EXT. – MIDDLE EAST – ROCKY WASTELAND – DAY
FLOCCULENCIO is sitting with the rest of the GOATIST people.
The GOAT CHIEF walks up and hands FLOCCULENCIO a long robe made of mohair.
GOAT CHIEF
To our honored guest!
Everyone cheers.
FLOCCULENCIO looks amazed and happy. He stands up, clearing his throat.
FLOCCULENCIO
Although I’m new to this land, you’ve shown
me great hospitality. In all my years, I think this
is the happiest I’ve been. I feel like I’ve finally
found people who know me and who ca-
FLOCCULENCIO vanishes in a loud pop.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY
DMA, MICHAEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DIAMOND, LUAKEL, and FLOCCULENCIO all look at one another, confused.
GBW
Well that worked.
G.BONE
Hey, I fixed the teleportation tubes!
DIAMOND
Way to go, G.Bone!
MICHAEL
Yeah, G.Bone, great job!
GBW
But I-
DMA
Come one G.Bone, let’s go get you a drink, my treat!
Everyone leaves the Teleportation Room, except FLOCCULENCIO and GBW. FLOCCULENCIO looks at the Teleportation Pad and looks down at the mohair robe he has in his hand.
GBW
What’s wrong?
FLOCCULENCIO
Nothing…
(sighs)
Nothing at all.
(pulls out flask and begins drinking)
GBW shrugs and walks out.
GBW
(muttering)
Never gonna help you bastards again…
FLOCCULENCIO continues to stare at the Teleportation Pad, drinking.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LIFT = NIGHT
Over black:
OTHNIEL
You think they’ll ever find us?
STRAHA
I don’t know.
OTHNIEL
I’m thinking they might have forgotten us.
STRAHA
I’m scared of the dark.
Hold me.
Long silence
OTHNIEL
Okay.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – KITJED’S QUARTERS– NIGHT
KITJED walks out of his quarters.
KITJED
Alright, I’m ready to go shopping now…
Hey where’s everyone?
He walks to a console and looks at it.
KITJED
Someone put Leo on mute…
(hits button)
LEO CEASIUS
-WILL RELEASE THE OXYGEN IN THE SHIP
AND KILL YOU ALL! YOU HEAR THAT! I’LL
KILL YOU ALL! WHEN YOU’R SLEEPING! WHE-
KITJED
Leo?
LEO CEASIUS
Kitjed?
(beat)
You can hear me?
KITJED
Yes. What are you doig?
LEO CEASIUS
Ummm.. venting inner thoughts
to an audience who isn’t listening?
KITJED
Oh, okay.
How do you like my outfit?
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – SHEEPIST TEMPLE – NIGHT
MICHAEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and STRAHA are sitting in various cushioned seats, drinking. Around them lay scattered booze bottles, confetti, and a banner that reads ‘WELCOME BACK SHEEPIST BROTHER, NO NOT YOU STRAHA, BUT DMA”
Pan to where DMA is sleeping, snuggled up against the Holy Sheep.
MICHAEL
Pfft. He didn’t even say he liked the cake I baked.
STRAHA
I like it.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You were stoned through the whole thing.
I saw you eating a candle.
STRAHA
Oh, that’s why I keep picking wax outta my teeth.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well he’s back.
MICHAEL
Yay. Excommunicated and all.
STRAHA
Meh, fuck those reactionary sheepist bastards.
I mean who’s all about peace and love? Pfft.
That’s tree fucking gay talk, right there.
MICHAEL
Now the sheepist faith is the strongest on the ship.
And soon out plans of domination will come to fruitition.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We have plans of domination?
MICHAEL
Well, a plan.
STRAHA
We nuke ‘em.
MICHAEL growls and attacks STRAHA.
MICHAEL
(screaming)
Shut the fuck up!
(slapping Straha)
Shut the fuck up!
(slapping Straha)
Shut the fuck up!
(slapping Straha)
Shut the fuck up!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sipping beer)
Now who’s got repressed anger issues?
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DIAMOND’S QUARTERS – NIGHT
DIAMOND and LUAKEL are are putting the final touches upon a small golden statue of a sheep.
DIAMOND
You wanted to learn the ways of the Sheepist faith.
LUAKEL
Is this going to be like Kirjed teaching
me the ways of being a man?
DIAMOND
Well less ass grabbing.
LUAKEL
Cool.
A lamb baas and with shaky legs clamors out of Diamond’s closet.
LUAKEL
Ooooh! A lamb!
Can I ride it?
DIAMOND
Ummm.. it’s too small.
LUAKEL
Maybe when it gets bigger?
DIAMOND
Sure.
LUAKEL
I’ll call you Pickles.
DIAMOND
(sighs)
Maybe I should find another recruit…
Fade out
END ACT II
TAG
INT. –STRONGHOLD – CORRIDOR – DAY
Smoke fills the corridor. It slowly clears away to show a sight of shredded bodies of strange creatures laying everywhere.
WARD and GRIMM REAPER walk among the carnage, looking impressed.
Standing at attention before them is MERRYPRANKSTER, his clothing tattered and stained, his swords bent and dull, behind him are the rest of the Away Team, all battered and bloodies.
On a pile of corpses sits MIDGARDMETAL strumming his guitar.
WARD
Figured you’d all died.
GRIMM REAPER
A pity. I so wanted your Best in Show plaque.
MERRYPRANKSTER
We did our best sir…
WARD
This him?
(Points to a bound and gagged figure)
MERRYPRANKSTER
As far was we can tell. Looks to be
the one who’s created these monsters.
WARD
What’s his name?
MERRYPRANKSTER
Dark Slavik.
WARD
Ungag him.
DARK SLAVIK
What do you want?
WARD
Well, Mr. Slavik. I’m a fan of your work.
DARK SLAVIK
umm.. thank you?
WARD
Now, how about you give up this freelance stuff
and work for me? The money sucks, the chance
of death is high, and I’m a cruel and vicious bastard.
DARK SLAVIK
uh….
WARD
Or else my associate here
(points to Grimm)
will introduce you to the joys of breathing hard vaccum.
DARK SLAVIK
I think this is a no brainer…sir.
WARD
Good choice.
(to Merry)
get him on the ship.
MERRYPRANKSTER
Yes, sir.
MERRYPRANKSTER drags DARK SLAVIK to his feet and they head out.
WARD
Merry.
MERRYPRANKSTER
Yes, sir?
WARD
Good job.
MERRYPRANKSTER
(surprised)
Thank you, sir.
MERRYPRANKSTER and the rest of the Away Team file out.
WARD
(to Grimm)
I think you owe me five bucks.
GRIMM REAPER
Damn, I was sure he’d die.
WARD
Well, in time maybe.
(laughs harshly)
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
