An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“WAFFLE-ATE”
Written By : MICHAEL
INT.- MULTIVERSE EXPLORATION SHIP AH.COM’S PRIMARY SHUTTLE – DAY
MICHAEL
(Sarcastic)
Yeah, just blow up Norad,
That won’t do anything bad.
Like cause a nuclear war!
(Rolls eyes)
MATT
(Angrily)
You wanted to see a mountain
Blow up!
And I delivered!
MICHAEL
Yeah, but not once did I say:
cause the death of 5 billion people!
MATT
Oh that’s it,
All you do is complain and complain!
Prepare to die. Aussie asshat!
MICHAEL
(Runs over to a locker)
Fine, but I choose how I go and
It’ll be giant sheep at 10 paces
MICHAEL Tries to open locker, it won’t budge. He puts all his weight into it, but nothing. The Locker handle breaks.
MICHAEL
Damn.
Locked.
(Whimpers at sight of MATT priming his BFG for firing)
G.BONE
Why not use this one
(does Vanna white impersonation)
MICHAEL runs to second locker, pulls on handle, puts all his weight into it.
MICHAEL
Damn. Locked.
(Grabs key off of keyring)
(Pulls out sheep and looks askance at it)
It’s a little… Small isn’t it?
LANDSHARK
I’m sure you hear that all the time!
(giggles)
DOCTOR WHAT
MATT put down the BFG
If you try killing MICHAEL every time
he makes an arse out of one of us,
then, you’ll be left with no MICHAEL…
(confused pause)
There’s no point killing MICHAEL
(another pause)
Don’t project your problems onto
G.BONE, LANDSHARK
(another pause)
Now. Where’s my scotch???
LANDSHARK
You’re right.
It’s just… It’s just
(deep breath)
I’m so lonely
3 hours without IRONYUPPIE
(takes swig of hooch)
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey. My scotch!
WEAPON M
He’s right. We need more females
KIT
(In a sultry voice)
Nah, we only need each other
KIT beams at the other members of the crew, then licks his lips, everyone shifts back uncomfortably, expect DOCTOR WHAT who’s got a strange _expression on his face and ABDUL HADI PASHA who gets an even bigger grin.
MICHAEL
(Nervously)
Right now would be a good
Time for some random
Distraction…
KIT’s grin just gets bigger and he takes a step forward.
MATT
There! Finally it’s primed and ready to fire!
FADE
MICHAEL
(in a distraught tone)
Yeah. Thanks for nothing Great Sheep.
KER-ZAPP
INT – MED LAB – DAY
MICHAEL is lying on a slab, with a big round hole missing out of his right side. MATT is holding a smoking BFG and TORQUMADA is standing there with a gleam in his eye and DOCTOR WHAT is standing there with a look of complete shock on his face
DOCTOR WHAT
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU KILLED HIM!!!
MATT
You can’t prove it was me!
DOCTOR WHAT
Your BFG is smoking, 9 people saw
you shoot him, there’s a history of animosity
MATT
Hah! Not a single bit of hard evidence.
Anyway, Torq, can you fix him?
TORQUMADA
(slaveringly with his back to the camera)
Fresh meat
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m gonna take that as a yes, and run away
MATT
I like your style of thinking
They both run out of the lab and opposite ways down the corridor. The lights in the lab dim, and TORQUMADA turns around, revealing a blood stained surgical guise. He flips a nearby switch.
TORQUMADA
Oh yes… We can fix you…
And we can make you better,
stronger, faster! Parts depending.
MICHAEL
Why am I lying down?
(He tilts his head to the right)
And why is my right side partially missing?
They better have taken me to a hospital and
not to TORQUMADA’s lab again,
that guy freaks me ou…
(Spots TORQUMADA)
Hey! My favourite crew member,
how goes the experiments into not
killing us during surgery?
TORQUMADA
Oh those? Yeah, those proved
fruitless so I moved on.
MICHAEL
Yeah? What to?
TORQUMADA
Cybernetics
(He pulls out a waffle iron)
Now hold still, this has
a 16 in 48 chance of working.
MICHAEL
What happens the other 32 times?
TORQUMADA
(stops to ponder this)
Hmm, I guess that the next wounded
ship member gets fixed quicker?
MICHAEL
I’d just like to point out,
I’m not spare parts.
TORQUMADA
Well no, not right now…
(makes little mark on bloodstained notepad)
But it has been duly noted
(He pats MICHAEL on the head as he passes out)
CUT TO:
INT – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY
All the crew are sitting about discussing what to do, now they’re a crewman down.
DOCTOR WHAT
So what’s the S.O.P.
for situations like this?
GBW
I don’t know, I’m just
here to get a drink,
flying makes me nervous.
G.BONE
(To DMA)
They seriously need to get another pilot,
who ever heard of one who’s afraid of flying?
DMA
Beats the hell outta me…
DMA
Yeah… Michael being dead.
(to others)
A good thing, right?
G.BONE
MATT did us a favor.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, come one. Michael wasn’t that bad.
G.BONE
He glued every page of your
porn mags together.
LANDSHARK
Don’t think that was glue.
DOCTOR WHAT
(quiet horrified voice)
Oh, god. I spent two hours
prying those pages apart…
GBW
Does no one care, that there is a
corpse sitting in Torq’a lab?
(Rethinks this after seeing the looks on their faces)
Well no obviously, that’s fairly routine,
but does no one care that MATT killed Michael?
(Rethinks this after seeing the complete look of antipathy on their face)
OK, let’s try again. OH MY GOD!
MATT just killed WEAPON M
The assembled AH.COMers all stand up and hold pitchforks, torches, and other pointy farm implements.
DOCTOR WHAT
(starting to talk in a kind of tune)
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of an angry mob
(pauses to think up next line)
They started from the well stocked tavern
Aboard this tiny ship
DIAMOND
(Standing behind bar and quickly picking up the tune)
The Doc was a mighty sexy man
(winks at DOCTOR WHAT)
LANDSHARK, brave and weird
about a dozen of them set off that day
To get revenge for sure.
To get revenge for sure.
(takes a deep breath)
The assembled group gather their weapons and start marching along to the beat, they are headed for MATT’s quarters.
DIAMOND
(singing)
The walking was gonna take a while
Most were quite unfit
GBW
(in background)
I can’t go on, I forgot my drink!
DIAMOND
(singing)
If not for the crack of IRONYUPPIE’s yoyo
The crew would soon have split
IRONYUPPIE
(at GBW)
Step out of beat and die
DIAMOND
They all arrived at this
MATT’s tiny room
With DOC, GREY WOLF too
IRONYUPPIE, and her wife
DIAMOND, and the rest!
(triumphantly)
ARE HERE AT MATT’S DOOR!!!
(stops singing)
Right, as an expendable tertiary character,
it’s my prerogative to get the hell out of dodge
(slinks away)
DOCTOR WHAT
Nice save there DIAMOND
(looks around)
Where’d DIAMOND go?
LANDSHARK
Like it matters, someone kick
the door in so we can beat up
someone, it’s been hours since
I inflicted pain on an unwilling participant.
LANDSHARK
Right, now where’s this colonial git?
G.BONE
How did the hinges explode
when you kicked the door in?
LANDSHARK
It’s called style, come back
when you get some
G.BONE goes off to find this style and return with it.
DOCTOR WHAT
(peeking his head around the broken door frame)
Sorry about the damage, but we’re impatient.
IRONYUPPIE
(Rubbing DOCTOR WHAT’s shoulders)
You’re so sexy when you’re apologetic
DOCTOR WHAT
Really? I mean… I’m sorry,
I don’t know why I do this,
I can’t help it…
IRONYUPPIE
Yeah, I’m bored of that now.
(Follows LANDSHARK into the room)
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it. Ok, every in.
DMA
Yeah, I’ll stay here and keep a look out.
DOCTOR WHAT
And everyone try and stay quiet
so as to not raise his attention
DAVE HOWERY
We just blew the door up, stealth’s been done.
(starts revving chainsaw really loudly)
FOR CANADA!!!
The rest of them shuffle in walking in a circle, they take roughly 5 steps and are in complete darkness.
THANDE
Someone should have turned the lights on.
DOCTOR WHAT
We were trying a stealth approach!
HENDRYK
Maybe you should have told
Landshark and IRONYUPPIE that
DOCTOR WHAT
Leave me alone! I barely get
any sleep in those racks.
THANDE
(shuffling away)
Too much information,
I’ll go look over here,
away from you.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Looking at the ground)
NO STOP!
Cut to:
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
KIT comes walking along, he spots DMA
KIT
Why are you standing
outside a darkened room?
DMA
Oh, the guys are in there doing
obscene things to MATT
KIT
Why wasn’t I told?
DMA
Hell I dunno.
The sound of an explosion, then screaming suddenly erupts from the darkened room.
KIT
Not being told looks
like it was a good thing.
(He runs off)
Screams are heard.
DMA just stands there nonchalantly, and he starts moving the sign slowly into the centre of the doorway so it can be seen. Suddenly they all run out, they are mostly covered in blood, DOCTOR WHAT comes out, he is completely drenched in it.
DOCTOR WHAT
The horror. The horror!
DMA
Stop being dramatic and
tell me what happened.
DOCTOR WHAT
(contemptibly)
Philistine. Anyway, we walked around
looking for MATT at his room
Screen dissolves to a flash back sequence
FLASHBACK:
INT. – MATT’S QUARTERS – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT (Voice Over)
I walked in, taking point.
Screen shows DOCTOR WHAT walking in the door, shirt torn in standard hero style, he is rippling with muscles.
DOCTOR WHAT (Voice Over)
LANDSHARK followed
LANDSHARK walks in after him, cowering like an old witch
DOCTOR WHAT (Voice Over)
Then IRONYUPPIE
She walks in, full valkyrie regalia, but with an electrified yoyo of death. THANDE, HENDRYK, WEAPON M, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DAVE HOWERY follow.
DOCTOR WHAT (Voice Over)
Yeah, and then we walked in,
and noticed MATT, uncharacteristically
out of his armour. So we rushed over
They rush over
DOCTOR WHAT (Voice Over)
We must have hit a trip wire or something
THANDE’s foot severs a trip wire
DOCTOR WHAT (Voice Over)
Because the body blew up
THANDE explodes
DOCTOR WHAT (Voice Over)
A boot went flying into LANDSHARK’s head
A boot severs LANDSHARK’s head from his body
DOCTOR WHAT (Voice Over)
IRONYUPPIE got a rib cage in her rib cage,
sorta a really shoddy transplant
A rib cage goes flying into IRONYUPPIE and her rib cage goes flying out the back
DOCTOR WHAT (Voice Over)
I don’t think anyone else got killed
WEAPON M, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DAVE HOWERY get organs and bones randomly impaled into them
DOCTOR WHAT (Voice Over)
Yeah… No one at all.
END FLASHBACK:
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
DMA
That was a really good recap
DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks, I just did it on the fly
(looks at DMA)
Why’s your mouth open?
In awe of the recap?
Yeah, I can understand.
There’s a thumping sound and DOCTOR WHAT and DMA turn to see MICHAEL walking down the corridor toward them. MICHAEL’s left side seems to be perfectly normal, but the right side is a mess of wires, leading to an open waffle iron.
MICHAEL
Waffle-ate
DOCTOR WHAT
(Turning)
Waffle-ate? What kind of crap taunt is that?
CYBORG-MICHAEL
(tearing up slightly)
You’re always mean to me!
Why do you hate me when
I show you nothing but love!?!
DOCTOR WHAT
(Turning quickly to DMA)
He doesn’t mean it that way
(DMA just raises an eyebrow, DOCTOR WHAT turns back around)
You killed MATT!
CYBORG-MICHAEL
(In a “stating the obvious manner”)
Umm, he killed me first
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s no excuse
DMA
Seems like a great excuse to me.
DOCTOR WHAT
(under breath to DMA)
Stop under-mining me.
Look, BIG BAD SCARY ROBOT MICHAEL,
are you going to kill the rest of us,
or is your reign of terror over?
CYBORG-MICHAEL
Kill everybody?
(ponders this)
That sounds just crazy enough to work!
DMA
(Glaring at DOCTOR WHAT)
You are so getting the blame for this
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, I tried.
CYBORG-MICHAEL
Your uniqueness will be assimilated
and made into delicious waffles
DMA
Waffles suck
CYBORG-MICHAEL grabs DMA and stuffs him into the waffle iron. DOCTOR WHAT sees this and runs off
DOCTOR WHAT
(puffing)
Not gonna die, not gonna die, not gonna die
CYBORG MICHAEL
All will be waffle-ised!
(starts running after DOCTOR WHAT)
CYBORG-MICHAEL runs around the corner and the screen fades
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
THANDE
Why are we in the bridge?
Should we not have run to
the shuttles or the teleportation room?
HENDRYK
We were following you!
THANDE
Well I fail to see how that’.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Runs up to both of them)
Words can not do the horror
I witnessed justice.
THANDE
Well it’s not like you’re
all that articulate
HENDRYK
(Slaps Thande)
Lies! He who has returned after
satisfying a woman would never
become tongue tied!
Suddenly, the wall next to them explodes inwards, scattering them, CYBORG-MICHAEL starts walking towards them, he is hold DMA’s waffle like remains, he flicks them towards the other crew men, THANDE does a slow motion dive, artfully dodging the waffles, HENDRYK launches himself, across the 10 foot wide hallways in front of DOCTOR WHAT, meanwhile DOCTOR WHAT just faints.
HENDRYK manages to dodge his way into a chest full of razor sharp DMA waffles, THANDE shoots back up to his feet.
THANDE
Eat Isoamyl acetate!
(throws, pulls out other vial, reads label)
magnesium sulfate!
(throws, pulls out other vial, reads laber)
and Ascorbic acid!
DOCTOR WHAT
(lying under HENDRYK)
Ascorbic acid? You fool!
Vitamin C will only make
him stronger!
CYBORG-MICHAEL
(Getting some of the goop on his finger and licking it)
Mmm, bananery
THANDE
I never claimed to
be good at chemistry.
DOCTOR WHAT
Right, you stay here and keep throwing
things at it, I’m gonna do a runner
THANDE
(triumphantly)
A-hah!
(He looks up to see MICHAEL standing next to him)
Eat this!
THANDE slams vial of Hydrochloric Acid and Lithium Hydroxide against CYBORG-MICHAE.
CYBORG-MICHAEL
(Clutching face)
GAH!
(THANDE gets triumphant grin on his face)
SALTY WATER IN EYE!
THANDE
No wait, the acid and base are meant
to make a super painful death, not
neutralise… ohh, of course!
(slaps forhead)
CYBORG-MICHAEL slams waffle iron on his head.
CYBORG-MICHAEL
I wonder if he’s got anything sweet in these pockets…
(Scrounges through THANDE’s pockets)
INT. AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is seen running towards an open shuttle, he opens the door to find KIT ABDUL HADI PASHA and TORQUMADA already sitting in it.
DOCTOR WHAT
TORQUMADA thank heavens I found you!
KIT
Sorry DOCTOR WHAT, private party.
(He closes the door)
DOCTOR WHAT
(banging on the door)
But MICHAEL’s gone evil!
He’s killing everyone!
He’s trying to kill me!
KIT
(angrily)
Come back later.
(under breath)
God, he’s so repressed.
DOCTOR WHAT runs to the other shuttle, he gets in
DOCTOR WHAT
Open the shuttle bay doors Leo
LEO
I can’t do that Doctor What.
DOCTOR WHAT
Why not LEO?
CYBORG-MICHAEL
(over intercom)
WAFFLES!!!
DOCTOR WHAT guns the engines and crashes through the doors.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good thing we’re always in a low Earth orbit.
A loud metal tapping is heard coming from the side of the shuttle, visible dents appear. DOCTOR WHAT listens to the taps, he writes them down as they appear to be Morse code
DOCTOR WHAT
W… O… F… F… E… I… T…
Heh heh. That almost looks like “waffles”…
(he pauses and thinks this over)
Shit
He looks to the front window, MICHAEL’s head is seen facing over it, he is tapping quickly on it
DOCTOR WHAT
You won’t get through that way!
That window impervious to anything
past a large nuclear bomb.
(The metal starts to give way)
Yeah, the metal’s mostly old cornflakes
and MATT’s week old gum…
Damn he chews a lot
(The metal gives way)
(DOCTOR WHAT screams like a rather effeminate man)
MICHAEL
(Standing over DOCTOR WHAT and offering some waffles with maple syrup)
Hey, stop screaming, have a waffle.
FADE TO BLACK.
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“GAME OVER”
Written By : MAYHEM
EXT. – AN OPEN PLAIN – EVENING
A verdant green world, cattle-like giant hamsters prowl the plains, munching happily on lush grass as their scantily-clad shepherds frolic through the foliage. All is quaint and idyllic.
From off-screen, the screeching red-hot wreckage streaming into the atmosphere disrupts the peace. One piece slams into the ground near the camera, sending debris in all directions. When the dust clears, the legend “MES AH.COM” can be clearly read on the scrap of bulkhead lying in the middle of the crater.
Pull back and Fade to:
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT
The control room is a mess. Trashed. It’s dark, there’s dust everywhere, and wires hang out of broken panels. The CREW is strewn about like lifeless rag dolls. OTHNIEL stirs and rises, slowly.
OTHNIEL
We… We’re alive! God has protected us,
my prayers are answered!
He is interrupted by a metal beam, which breaks off, swings down and knocks him out cold.
A few moments later, the CREW are stirring, with the exception of OTHNIEL. DAVE HOWERY and MATT rise to their feet, helping up DR WHAT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and WEAPON M.
DR WHAT
Is everyone alright? Leo?
LEO CAESIUS
With the exception of OTHNIEL,
it seems that the entire crew has
escaped unharmed. Poor luck on
Othniel’s part, I must say.
DR WHAT
Wow, I’m amazed we got out of that alright,
after the pounding we took from the CF ship.
How’s the ship?
LEO CAESIUS
Grounded for some time, I’m afraid.
She wasn’t built with that kind of landing in mind.
G.BONE
Of course she wasn’t.
Nothing can take that
kind of punishment!
The crew pause and look around at IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK who have not yet gotten up, noticing, for the first time, the leather, studs, heavy breathing, and liberal grunting. They all look away terribly quickly.
G.BONE
(Muttering)
Well, there are
exceptions to every rule…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Shaken)
Man, I didn’t need
to see that today…
Fade out:
EXT. – SCARRED LANDSCAPE – NIGHT
The AH.COM ship lies at the end of an enormous gully of torn-up trees and disturbed earth. She’s obviously very badly damaged, and a trail of glowing purple ooze stretches along the length of the crash site, leading back to the ship.
A group of men and women in scanty, torn and dirty clothes are approaching the wreck.
INT.- AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
The CREW are advancing down a singed corridor.
DR WHAT
Alright, we need to gather up what we can
and form search parties. We need to get the
ship repaired before the CF CREW can track
us down. Leo? What’s the situation down… uh… here?
LEO CAESIUS
(Crackling)
Couldn’t tell you, DOC. Something’s jamming
my sensors. Must be the ground level.
DR WHAT
Damn. Then we’ll have to go in blind.
Ladies?
He stops abruptly and turns to the AH CREW, who fail to stop before colliding into DR WHAT and landing in a heap.
EXT. – SCARRED LANDSCAPE – NIGHT
The NATIVES have reached the ship and are prodding it with sticks. Those who touch it are singed by the still-cooling metal and shy away in fear. There are “Oooohs” and “Aaaahs”, signs of their primitive appreciation of all things shiny.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDORS- NIGHT
The CREW have returned to standing and are all looking at DR WHAT intensely, as if he has just finished giving a rousing speech, and outlined a genius plan. GBW looks puzzled.
GBW
Can you explain the part
about the butterscotch again?
DR WHAT
Don’t poke holes in my genius plan!
KIT
Speaking of poking holes, DOC, XYZ…
The CREW look down, then up, horrified. KIT continues to stare.
STRAHA
I’m scarred…
(A beat. The CREW looks at him.)
Well, more than before…
(A beat. The CREW continues to look at him)
Oh, alright, it’s just a drop in the ocean…
DR WHAT
There’s no time for this.
Hurry up and gather what
we need to conduct the search!
GREY WOLF
A search!
For Booze!
EXT. – SCARRED LANDSCAPE – NIGHT
The NATIVES have found a gap in the side of the ship and are crawling in. Glowing purple ooze covers a deep gash in the side of the enormous ship. The NATIVES have to crawl over it to get in through the hole. A few moments after the last goes through, screams can be heard.
INT.- AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY- NIGHT
The shuttle bay doors are slightly open. The night sky can be seen outside. The AH.COM CREW are gathered, DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, WEAPON M, KIT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and DAVE HOWERY are armed for battle, festooned with ammo belts. DOCTOR WHAT is wearing a black-and-red frilled bra. GREY WOLF, TORQUMADA, THANDE, MICHAEL, STRAHA, GBW and G.BONE are gathered.
DR WHAT
Alright, you lot take care of the ship
while we’re gone. No talking to Ottomans
or Zeppelin crew while we’re gone, alright?
GREY WOLF, TORQUMADA, THANDE, STRAHA, MICHAEL and GBW mutter their agreement. G.BONE is seething.
G.BONE
Damnit!
Even when the teleporter’s not working
I can’t go! You guys hate me!
A Pause. The AWAY TEAM shuffles their feet.
G.BONE
I knew it!
DR WHAT
Well, G.BONE, it’s like this…
MATT
Run, guys!
The AWAY TEAM make a dash for the shuttle bay doors. G.BONE starts weeping gently. GREY WOLF comes over and pats him on the shoulder.
GREY WOLF
Think of it this way, G.BONE…
(G.BONE looks up, hopefully)
Damn, I forgot…
WEAPON M
(Offscreen)
Woah!
The sound of people coming to a sudden stop can be heard.
EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT
The camera is focused tight on the half-open shuttle bay doors with the AWAY TEAM standing just inside, looking impressed. Slow zoom out to gradually reveal more of the wrecked ship, showing that the shuttle bay is several dozen feet above the ground.
KIT
(Echoing)
Shouldn’t we have known about this?
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – NIGHT
DR WHAT
All right, new plan; we need to make
our way down to ground level. LEO?
LEO CAESIUS
(Crackling)
Yeah? Wha… -nt? I w… king… -aly… n ha… g… in…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Where?!
DR WHAT
Erm, LEO, we need a way down
to ground level so we can send
out a search party.
Silence. The lights go out and are replaced by blinking red ones.
LEO?
Assmonkeys.
INT.- CORRIDORS- NIGHT
The CREW are making their way down the darkened corridors, DOCTOR WHAT, MATT and WEAPON M in the lead, DAVE HOWERY and GREY WOLF coming next, TORQUMADA, THANDE, MICHAEL, STRAHA, GBW, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE in the middle, with KIT bringing up the rear.
MATT brings the group to a stop.
MATT
Did you hear that?
GREY WOLF
What?
DR WHAT
Yes?
GREY WOLF
No, I asked, “What?”
DR WHAT
What?
GREY WOLF
Yes; “What?”
DR WHAT
Yes?
GREY WOLF
No, “What?”
DR WHAT
No, what?
GREY WOLF
What, WHAT?
DR WHAT
Now you’re just confusing me.
MATT
Ssh!
THE CREW shuts up. Something can be heard up ahead, but it’s too dark to see. STRAHA steps forward. His eyes are reddened.
STRAHA
I can see it! It’s beautiful!
It’s saying “come into the light!”
MICHAEL
Um, Streha…
STRAHA
It says love me! Love me!
He giggles gleefully and runs forward. WEAPON M steps up to stop him but he is unsettled as a deep growl echoes throughout the corridor. The CREW all look up and stop, except STRAHA, who is still running, and disappears into the darkness.
THANDE
What was that?
DR WHAT
This is hardly the time, Thande.
GBW
Oh dear lord…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It couldn’t be…
G.BONE
Not the-
He is cut off by a scream from up ahead. The cruel sound of cracking bones reaches the AH.COMMERS. They all stare in abject horror.
DR WHAT
That isn’t a torch you have there is it, KIT?
KIT
No.
Sorry.
DR WHAT
Thought not.
Run guys!
The CREW turns and runs. The camera zooms down the corridor behind them and focuses tight on a smouldering, bloodstained doobie lying in a puddle of glowing purple ooze.
INT.- GREY WOLF’S QUARTERS- NIGHT
A nightlight illuminates the unicorn-festooned room. The CREW huddle, MATT and WEAPON M guarding the door.
MICHAEL
It… It got STRAHA… I liked him…
DAVE HOWERY
(To DR WHAT)
You’re kidding me. Grey Wolf’s quarters?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What was that thing?
The crew all turn and stare accusingly at DR WHAT
DR WHAT
What? It might not have been
mine this time. We didn’t get a good look at it.
TORQUMADA
It sounded to big to have come
from the cloning chambers.
The crew all turn and stare accusingly at THANDE
THANDE
Hey! I swear I’ve been good this week!
GBW
All right, THANDE, ‘fess up.
DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, they got Straha- it can’t have been him.
G.BONE
You’re the only whacko left.
They advance on THANDE, who backs away in fear, but a loud “THUMP” interrupts their soon-to-be lynching. The door moves.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Mama!
DR WHAT
We still need to get down to ground level.
Quick, Grey Wolf, what other exits are there?
GREY WOLF
Umm… There’s a… No…
THUMP
GREY WOLF
(Urgently)
Ummm…
GBW
(From the back of the room)
There’s an air duct under here!
Quick!
THUMP!!!!
GREY WOLF
But, my unicorns!
GREY WOLF starts running around quickly, grabbing his plush dolls.
WEAPON M
(Grabbing GREY WOLF)
There’s no time! Move!
THUMP!!!!
The Crew all hurry into the open air duct, MATT and KIT remain with guns pointed at the door as WEAPON M manhandles GREY WOLF through the gap. The door continues to bend in.
MATT
Go, Kit, I’ll cover you.
KIT
No, you go first, I’ll cover you.
MATT
But I’m the better shot!
THUMP!!!!
KIT
You’ve also got a nicer ass;
that door’s gonna hold.
He winks.
MATT
Umm, okay.
He bends over uneasily and crawls into the duct. KIT looks approvingly after him and follows. Another impact hits the door.
INT.- DUCTS- NIGHT
Looking backwards down the corridor, we see KIT hopping in right after MATT.
MATT
Hang on, KIT, we’re running
for our lives here. Save some for later.
KIT
Oh, come on- you know you-
There is another, final THUMP!!!! as the door to GREY WOLF’s quarters caves in. The camera focuses tight on the back of KIT’s head as we hear the door clatter across the room, something large and monstrous destroy everything in it as it bounds towards the duct opening. He turns so we see close up on his face, terrified. He screams, turns back to MATT and flails wildly as he is dragged backwards offscreen, leaving the camera focused on MATT’s face as we hear growling and screaming from KIT. MATT turns back in the tight ducts and lets rip with his plasma gun over his shoulder as he crawls as fast as he can screaming to the rest of the crew to run for their lives.
INT.- CORRIDORS- NIGHT
The CREW emerge from the duct entrance, white with terror. Some of the crew are gently weeping with fear.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I know we get in deep shit often,
but no one’s ever died before!
WEAPON M
Not on our side, at least.
G.BONE
I don’t wanna go on an
away mission anymore…
DR WHAT
C’mon, we have to get
a grip. We need guns-
MATT
Big… fucking… guns… It was huge…
Almost the size of a…
He stops, unable to continue.
DR WHAT
And we need to get down to engineering.
If there’s anything weird on this ship,
it’s got to be coming from down there.
PSYCHOMELDOWN
Hey! We don’t keep anything
weird down there.
G.BONE
Um, Psycho…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, apart from that. Nothing big
enough to take out two crew members…
THANDE
What about the Unobtainium?
DAVE HOWERY
The whosawhatium?
THANDE
That weird crap which drives the ship?
What does that do when exposed in,
say, a major crash landing?
G.BONE
Erm…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh-oh.
DR WHAT
Right. Armoury first.
INT.- ENGINEERING TUNNELS – NIGHT
Wires are everywhere, sparking and fizzing. Parts of the floor have cracked open to reveal bedrock jutting up beneath. The camera tracks in through the mess, until it brushes past a bundle of wires to come out into an open space around the Shift Drive Reactor. It’s smashed open, and leaking glowing purple goo. Several large globs are moving around in it. One turns and rushes the camera. Vicious teeth can be seen before the screen goes dark.
INT.- CORRIDORS- NIGHT
The CREW are progressing slowly, cautiously along the corridor. MATT and WEAPON M take point. DAVE HOWERY idles his adamantium chainsaw. All the crew look fearful.
GBW
The armoury shouldn’t be
too much further. Just up ahead.
A growl rumbles down the corridor from just up ahead.
GBW
Oh.
(A beat)
Shit.
WEAPON M
MATT, cover me.
I’ll check it out.
MATT
You sure?
WEAPON M
We need the weapons, right?
MATT
But I-
MICHAEL
Come on, get on with it!
MATT
Oh, fine. Go.
INT.- CORRIDORS- NIGHT
Further along, WEAPON M jogs down the corridor, jingling with ammo. MATT follows a short way behind. They run up to a corner, the blinking red lights lending a strobe-effect to the scene. WEAPON M nods to MATT, and looks briefly around a corridor. From his viewpoint the camera looks down the corridor, tracks across, focuses on the armoury door. The corridor is empty. The emergency lights blink off. The camera switches back to MATT’s view as he stands behind WEAPON M. The lights blink back on. WEAPON M yells and jumps backwards into MATT, firing.
INT.- CORRIDORS- NIGHT
Back to the rest of the crew, gunshots ring out. Everyone jumps to their feet, DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN bringing up their weapons. A scream and a bloodcurdling howl echo down to the crew, then silence. The camera pulls tight on GREY WOLF, his breathing is laboured. Then DR WHAT, who tugs nervously on his goatee. MICHAEL, who bangs his head against the camera lens (“Ow!”). We hear heavy, limping footsteps and a dragging noise, and the camera swings around shakily to show MATT dragging WEAPON M and a sack of weaponry into the flickering light. He has a huge, pulsing gash across his chest armour, and collapses as he reaches the crew. The sack of weapons clatters to the floor.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
By the Holy Sheep…
TORQUMADA rushes over to the fallen marine. The gash in MATT’s chest is leaking glowing purple ooze. The camera swings over to show a similar wound in WEAPON M’s thigh.
DR WHAT
Woah. They need help.
TORQUMADA
I need to get them to the medical bay.
Otherwise they’re definitely going to die.
DR WHAT
(Relieved)
Oh, is that all?
TORQUMADA
DOC!
DR WHAT
What? Oh, right.
Thande, G.Bone, GBW,
take some of these weapons
and help ‘em to the Med Bay.
Dave, Grey, Psycho, and the Aussie
are with me. We’ll go down to engineering
and find what’s behind this.
INT.- CORRIDORS- NIGHT
DR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY, GREY WOLF, PSYCHO and MICHAEL are moving down a corridor, heavily armed. MICHAEL carries a steadily pinging motion tracker. It beats in time with the blinking emergency lights.
DAVE HOWERY
Do you have any idea
how annoying that is?
MICHAEL
Would you prefer we get
surprise-attacked by, well,
whatever’s out there?
GREY WOLF
This all reminds me of
something I’ve seen before;
the random attacks, the creepy
lighting, the motion tracker…
DR WHAT
Where?
A beat.
GREY WOLF
…No, I’ve lost it again.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, it’s a totally alien feeling to me.
When have we ever been in mortal peril like this?
DR WHAT
What about that time last month
when IronYuppie was craving
pancakes and didn’t get any?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, okay… But no one died that time.
(Sotto voce)
And it wasn’t my fault anyway, “syrup boy”.
DAVE HOWERY
Where are they, anyway?
Cut to:
INT.- CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT
It’s too dark to see anything but vague outlines; two figures can be seen writhing together.
LANDSHARK
I think they aren’t coming back…
IRONYUPPIE
Who gave you permission to talk?
Get back to work!
(A beat)
Mmm…
BACK TO:
INT.- CORRIDORS- NIGHT
DR WHAT
I’m sure they’ll be fine.
MICHAEL
Look!
The motion tracker pings out of beat.
DR WHAT
Quick, take cover!
DAVE HOWERY
In here!
INT.- OFFICE- NIGHT
The crew run into a nearby room. They close the door and train their guns on it. The motion tracker pings more quickly.
GREY WOLF
I know I’ve seen this before…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Bar the door!
DR WHAT and PSYCHOMELTDOWN shift a desk in front of the door as DAVE HOWERY grabs a coffee table and stacks it on top. MICHAEL trains his Ottoman-daubed AK-47 at the door as he glances at the motion tracker, which pings more and more quickly.
MICHAEL
Fifty metres.
GREY WOLF
I’m certain…
DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN hunker down and point their guns at the door as well.
MICHAEL
twenty metres.
GREY WOLF
If only I could…
DR WHAT
They’re almost inside!
MICHAEL
Twelve metres. Man, this is a big
fucking signal. Ten metres.
DR WHAT
They’re right on top of us!
MICHAEL
Ten metres.
Nine meters.
Eight.
DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t be. That’s inside the room!
MICHAEL
It’s readin’ right. Look!
DOCTOR WHAT fiddles with MICHAEL’s tracker, adjusting the tuning.
DAVE HOWERY
Well you’re not reading it right!
MICHAEL
Six metres. Five. What the fu –
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit.
(breath)..
Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit.
DAVE HOWERY looks around at MICHAEL, puzzled.
DAVE HOWERY
How far is that?
I don’t do metric.
GREY WOLF
I’ve got it!
As GREY WOLF stands up in exultation, the floor beneath him heaves up, metal grates bursting apart as a huge, fuzzy arm splattered with glowing purple ooze grabs him around the arm and drags him down. He screams as he falls through the hole and comes to a jolting stop. His eyes cross for a moment as he winces in pain.
GREY WOLF
Ow… Who put that pipe there?
The others wince sympathetically.
He falls sideways, screaming as his arm is dislocated and his head bounces off the side of the hole. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL run up to the hole, firing down after him. The door thumps, and the makeshift barricade shudders. DAVE HOWERY grabs a grenade, pulls the pin, and hurls it down the hole after GREY WOLF and the MONSTER and the explosion throws DR WHAT off his feet. He falls into a bookshelf, braking his arm, just as the coffee table gives out and drops away from the door. The motion tracker is pinging wildly, and the camera cuts tight on it: There are blips everywhere, coming from all directions. MICHAEL discards it and picks up DR WHAT’s fallen machine gun, handing him a pistol. DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN each cover an exit. Aside from the hole and the door, there are no other ways out. The pounding on the door continues and growling and scraping can be heard from below.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It looks like this is the end…
DAVE HOWERY
No Canada…
MICHAEL
The others…
DR WHAT
(Panting)
I hope they’re…
Okay…
INT.- MEDICAL BAY- NIGHT
Close up on MATT with a bandaged face; he’s crouched behind an upturned bed with a machinegun in each hand, firing wildly. TORQUMADA is behind him, firing a shotgun over Thande’s prone and bloodied form.
INT.- OFFICE- NIGHT
There is another thump on the door, the camera pulls in on DR WHAT’s drawn face as the sound of the desk scraping away comes from offscreen. DR WHAT cocks the pistol with his good hand. The growling intensifies; PSYCHOMELTDOWN opens up with his rifle to the left. Another thump, and the door can be heard to come away. DR WHAT swings up the pistol to shoot to his right. MICHAEL can be heard screaming, then is suddenly cut off with a sickening crunch.
DAVE HOWERY
(Yelling)
You want some of this,
you fuzzy motherfuckers?
You want some? Oh, now
you want some? Take that,
and that, and th-AAARGGH!
DAVE HOWERY screams as floor panels lift under him, and clawed arms seize him lightning fast, dragging him down
Sporadic gunfire peppers the wall over DR WHAT’s head as he continues firing all over the place, then the shots move off left and PSYCHOMELTDOWN swears. Blood smatters DR WHAT’s face. All that can be heard now is relentless growling. DR WHAT’s eyes open in fear, and he stops firing. His mand shakes as he puts the gun to his temple. The camera focuses solely on one of DR WHAT’s eyes and all we can see is the reflection in it of a hideous, mutated, evil, SHEEP THE SIZE OF A VW CAMPER VAN. Over their monstrous growls, he mutters his last words.
DR WHAT
Won’t get me alive.
The screen goes black.
The chamber clicks empty.
DR WHAT
Aw, shit!
DR WHAT screams,
FADE TO BLACK.
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“IS THERE SOMETHING IN THE AIR?”
Written By : GBW
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY, G.BONE, KIT and (astonishingly!) GREY WOLF are standing next to what looks like a multicolored giant misshapen seashell with various dull spike-like protuberances. DAVE HOWERY is running a scanner over it and DOCTOR WHAT is frowning, looks over at G.BONE.
DOCTOR WHAT
You had to teleport some
alien artifact on board the ship now?
We’re going to meet with the CF.Net tomorrow!
G.BONE
Man, you have me sitting there
in the teleportation room all the time.
The thing was just floating along, and I
thought I’d do a little practicing, so…
GREY WOLF
(blearily)
It’s got so many colors.
Almost as many as Flottie…
Or was it Tufty? Fuck, I forgot–
DOCTOR WHAT
(interrupting him)
Fine, fine. The thing’s here, I guess.
We’ll investigate it after these
cease-fire negotiations with the CF.Net.
G.Bone, you get the first watch.
KIT, you get the night watch.
KIT
(indignant)
Night watch?!
But I had plans tonight…
(martyred sigh)
Oh, very well.
DOCTOR WHAT, KIT and GREY WOLF start heading out of the Shuttle Bay while DAVE HOWERY continues scanning it and G.BONE settles himself on a crate for the first watch. The scene slowly transitions to the Shuttle Bay that night with a lower light setting and KIT sitting on the crate instead of G.BONE and DAVE gone. KIT is flipping through an old ‘Earth 2′ magazine.
KIT
You can save me
any time, Alonzo Solace…
KIT grins to himself as a flips a page. Meanwhile, behind him the alien artifact has begun to glow with a pulsing rhythm. After a moment, a crack appears in the shell and a bright light shines out of it. The crack runs along its side with an audible cracking sound and, after a bit, KIT finally notices and looks over his shoulder.
KIT
What in the…
KIT stands and looks at the artifact, taking an automatic step back. Suddenly, the top of the thing rips off and KIT raises a hand to his eyes as the Shuttle Bay is bathed in the bright light. A dark silhouette rises from the artifact and floats up into the air above it.
KIT
Who… who are you?
ENTITY
I am….
Fellatio Nelson!
FELLATIO spreads his arms out, then raises them above his head as bolts of energy crackle around him in an aura. KIT squints and shields his eyes, looking both nervous and intrigued. The shot pulls back a bit, then cuts to the doorway to the Shuttle Bay where we see flashing light around the rim, then a sudden bright flash as we hear an loud electric snap follow by an anguished shout from KIT.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT
We see a darkened corridor with a minimal light level. Walking into the camera’s view is ABDUL HADI PASHA, who’s walking along casually while glancing through the travel brochure of an ATL Ottoman Empire. After a bit, we suddenly hear other footsteps echoing ABDUL’s and he stops and looks up after a moment. He glances up and down the corridor, which fades into complete darkness either way, and sees nothing. He shrugs and continues on, and the other footsteps continue. ABDUL looks up, annoyed, and looks around again, once again seeing nothing ahead of him. When he looks behind, we see a bolt of energy appear within the darkness and ABDUL’s eyes widen. The shot cuts to the floor as the travel brochure is dropped and we see ABDUL’s feet and then legs running away in the background.
The shot shifts to ABDUL as he runs down the corridor, looking over his shoulder every so often as the crackle of the energy bolts gets louder and louder. He suddenly ducks into another corridor and presses himself against the wall, out of breath. Suddenly, bright light shines on ABDUL from within the new corridor and he looks over, eyes wide, just before the view turns all bright with an electric snap.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – GREY WOLF’S QUARTERS – NIGHT
GREY WOLF is lying in bed, surrounded on all sides by stuffed unicorns and empty bottles of various sizes, shapes and colours. He lets out a loud snore and rolls to his side with a clinking of various bottles against each other.
In the background we see the door to his quarters and the flashing light that starts to appear around its rim, along with the sound of the energy bolts. The sound of beeping is heard, followed by an electric snap.
The shot cuts to the viewpoint of the intruder as we see the doors slide open from the outside. The intruder moves silently across the floor towards GREY WOLF with the sound of the energy bolts in the background. GREY WOLF suddenly stirs.
GREY WOLF
Wuzzat?
GREY WOLF looks over his shoulder and his eyes widen as he clutches a unicorn tighter against himself. With an electric snap, an energy bolt hits GREY WOLF and we see him start to become less unkempt and his outfit subtly starting to change. GREY WOLF looks to be in obvious pain and he looks down at himself.
GREY WOLF
W-what?! No!
I’m… transforming…
KIT
(voice over)
There’s nothing you can
do to stop it. Give in…
GREY WOLF
Can… can I still keep
my unicorns and drink booze?
KIT
(vo, after a pause)
Yeah, sure, whatever.
More bolts of energy hit GREY WOLF and he grimaces in pain just before the view turns all bright.
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
We see the AH.COM and the CF.NET slowly approaching each other with the dark side of the Moon in the background. They pull up alongside each other and a tube-like walkway extends from each ship to meet each other in the middle with a docking-type sound.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – AIRLOCK – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY and WEAPON M are standing at the door to the airlock, DOCTOR WHAT nervously glancing at a watch. The three of them are in ‘formal dress’, DOCTOR WHAT in a surprisingly normal looking business suit, DAVE HOWERY in a Wendy’s Manager’s uniform and WEAPON M in his Michigan Militia fatigues.
DAVE HOWERY
(muttering)
I hate this damn outfit…
DOCTOR WHAT
C’mon, Dave, this is a formal ceremony.
If we pull this off, we won’t have to worry
about Ward, Grimm and the CF.Net any more.
WEAPON M
Where’s Grey Wolf anyway? And Landshark?
Aren’t they the official Second and Third
of the ship? Aren’t they supposed to be here?
DOCTOR WHAT
(frowning)
Leo couldn’t reach them earlier,
along with a lot of other crew.
They all probably got into something.
(scowl)
It better not be my porno stash…
A meter next to the airlock door suddenly beeps and a green light brightens. WEAPON M starts opening the door.
WEAPON M
Alright, let’s get this over with.
He pulls the door open and DOCTOR WHAT squares his shoulders and strides into the tube, DAVE HOWERY and WEAPON M a couple steps behind him. Coming forth from the CF.NET we see WARD with GRIMM REAPER and DOMINUSNOVUS just behind him. As the two groups near each other, WARD manages an abrupt nod to DOCTOR WHAT before shifting his cane to his other hand and extending the freed one. DOCTOR WHAT hesitates a moment, then takes WARD’s hand and shakes it.
DOCTOR WHAT
(formal voice)
It is my hope that this
cease-fire will lead to an everlasting
peace between our two vessels.
WARD
(smirk)
Get your head out of your ass, boy.
This is temporary so that we can
actually get some stuff done without
bumping into your bunch all the time.
DOCTOR WHAT
Er… right.
Shall we sign the papers then?
WARD starts to nod when suddenly, in the background, we see a missile slam into the CF.NET side of the tube. The CF.Netters look over their shoulders in shock; WARD is the first to turn back to DOCTOR WHAT, rage on his face as he brings his cane up and activates the cattle prod at the end.
WARD
(furious monotone)
You doublecrossing little–
Another missile suddenly strikes the AH.COM side of the tube even as atmosphere starts venting out.
DOMINUSNOVUS
What the hell–?!
Both AH.Commers and CF.Netters suddenly look over and see a barrage of evenly spaced missiles heading directly towards the rest of the tube. A full range of astonished expressions pass over all their faces.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh shit…
Any last words?
WEAPON M
Hey, did I ever tell you guys about….???
EVERYONE
(including CF.Netters)
Yes!
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
The shot zooms towards the loose tube as its starting to float away as the missiles strike all along it, shattering it and sending six forms floating off into space. The shot pulls back to show both the AH.COM and CF.NET, then zooms towards the AH.COM to show that a shuttle has launched. It starts flying straight towards the CF.NET.
INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS, MERRYPRANKSTER, DUQUENSE, SCARECROW and FAEELIN are all at their stations when an alarm sounds.
MERRYPRANKSTER
The AH.Com just opened fire!
They’re–
(confused)
They just blew up the walkway…
FAEELIN
I just lost contact with Ward, Grimm and Dominus.
SCARECROW
It’s no wonder, I have them and
three AH.Commers floating into space!
ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS abruptly shoots to his feet, pumps a fist into the air and then brings his elbow down in a ‘Yes!’ gesture.
ROMULUS
Finally, I will truly rule this ship without
those weaker standing in my way!
Bow to your new Captain!
DUQUENSE
But–
ROMULUS
(pointing a Pancor Jackhammer)
Bow, I said!
DUQUENSE throws himself to the floor in a gesture that’s part bow, mostly ducking for cover.
ROMULUS
Excellent! And with Doctor What
and his Second and Third gone,
I will also take over the AH.Com and
go on to rule the entire multiverse!
Yes, I’ll make that Evergreen Khanate
my capital–
SCARECROW
Ah captain, there’s an AH.Com
shuttle docking in our Main Shuttle Bay.
I think they’re sending a boarding party.
ROMULUS
(shaking his head firmly)
No, that won’t do at all.
I won’t have anything ruin my moment of glory!
Faeelin! Go and unleash… the Ignore Dragon!
FAEELIN
The what?
ROMULUS points the Pancor Jackhammer at him and FAEELIN puts his hands up in a placating gesture and stands.
FAEELIN
Okay, okay.
(muttering as he leaves)
I’ll unleash your damned Ignore Dragon…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
GBW is pacing back and forth in front of the command chair while OTHNIEL is at the controls. GBW keeps glancing at the main screen, which is showing the rapidly dispersing tube debris and the CF.NET just sitting there with some lights flickering in sections.
GBW
Leo, what the hell’s going on?
A bunch of crew have gone missing,
those missiles were fired from our ship,
and a shuttle took off and just boarded the CF.Net!
The main screen and the lights suddenly flicker and die and the emergency lights come online.
GBW
(muttering)
Didn’t need that…
LEO CAESIUS
I’m not entirely sure what’s going on,
but I’m reading strange energy fluctuations
throughout the ship and various distinct
energy signatures moving throughout the ship
and slowly multiplying. I read similar signatures
aboard that shuttle that flew to the CF.Net.
OTHNIEL
Energy signatures?
(pause)
Wait, can you compare the growth
of their numbers and the loss of contact
with the members of the crew?
LEO CAESIUS
(after a moment)
There is a direct correlation
between the disappearance of
crewmembers and the appearance
of these energy signatures.
GBW
(surprised)
Good question, Othniel.
Who was the first crewmember to disappear?
LEO CAESIUS
That would be… KIT, last night.
GBW
KIT? Where was he?
LEO CAESIUS
Guarding an alien artifact we
teleported on board.
OTHNIEL
There’s an alien artifact on board?
GBW
(grumbling)
They never let us know these things…
There a sudden loud clang against the entry hatch and GBW and OTHNIEL look over to see it starting to glow with heat; the sound of the energy bolts is also coming through.
LEO CAESIUS
I’m detecting several of those energy
signatures on the other side of that door.
GBW
Crap!
Well, I’ve learned this lesson.
Let’s go to the other exit.
GBW and OTHNIEL hurry through the door and slam it behind them. As soon as the door seals, the other, more remembered hatch suddenly busts inwards in a cloud of smoke. Three figures come striding through the smoke and, as it clears, we see that its KIT, ABDUL HADI PASHA and LANDSHARK. They’re all wearing ribbed t-shirts, designer jeans and are all well groomed and in good physical shape. KIT walks to the middle of the room, grinning pleasantly, and looks around. As he sees it’s empty, he rolls his eyes.
KIT
Looks like they aren’t here.
All of you, spread out and find them.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
(grinning)
Spread out? Right here?
You little minx!
They all laugh at the… Innuendo!
INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
ROMULUS is sitting in the command chair, which has already been reupholstered. On the far wall is a portrait of ROMULUS with a foot grinding down onto a Microsoft logo. He, as well as MERRYPRANKSTER, DUQUENSE and SCARECROW, are listening to the comm through the speaker.
FAEELIN (from speaker)
Romulus! The Ignore Dragon isn’t working!
N-reD has already gone down–
Sound of snickers from the intruders in the background.
FAEELIN (from speaker)
–and we’re being cornered!
ROMULUS
(pitying tone)
Subject seems to be hallucinating
about failure of major reptiloid creature.
Ignore Dragon unharmed. Intruders ineffective.
FAEELIN (from speaker)
What the hell are you talking about?!
We’re about to be overrun–
Sound of loud electrical snaps and anguished shouts over the speaker. MERRYPRANKSTER, DUQUENSE and SCARECROW glance at each other warily as ROMULUS smiles confidently to himself. He starts polishing his FN Five-seveN casually.
ROMULUS
Why don’t you boys go help Faeelin and the
Ignore Dragon mop up the remnants of our intruders?
MERRYPRANKSTER
(alarmed)
What?! But didn’t you hear–
ROMULUS clicks the hammer of the FN Five-seveN back. The other three CF.Netters glance at each other again, then stand and file out of the Control Room like a dirge. ROMULUS hums to himself as he continues polishing.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
GBW and OTHNIEL are hurrying along one of the AH.COM’s many corridors, GBW with slingshot in hand and OTHNIEL holding a Bible and praying under his breath.
LEO CAESIUS
I’ve been going over the data I’ve recorded
of the changed crewmembers and I believe
I know what has happened to them.
GBW
Oh yeah?
LEO CAESIUS
They appear to be firing some sort of
energy burst, electrical in nature, that
has an attritional effect on a person’s
very being. For lack of a better term,
I’d say that each crew’s ‘Gay Percentage’
has been increased to 100%!
OTHNIEL
(horrified)
No way!
LEO CAESIUS
More than that, the combined effect
of all the changed crew is increasing those
energy fluctuations, which are being directed
towards Engineering. More specifically, the TSG.
I’m unsure what effect it will end up having on it…
GBW
(grimly)
Nothing good, probably.
LEO CAESIUS
(nervously)
I’m also detecting several energy
signatures heading towards the computer core.
GBW
Every time the crew is
brainwashed, damn it! Alright.
Othniel, head for the Core.
I’ll head for Engineering to try and
disrupt the energy funneling towards the TSG.
OTHNIEL
Right.
Far shot as GBW and OTHNIEL split up where the corridor forks. A well manicured hand suddenly comes into view, small energy bolts around it. It clenches into a fist.
INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
ROMULUS has one leg propped up on the other and his hands clasped, smiling with his Pancor Jackhammer and FN Five-seveN nearby. The main screen and lights flicker and die; ROMULUS barely notices, has a manic gleam in his eyes.
The hatch to the Control Room suddenly bursts open and ROMULUS grabs his guns and turns to face it as FELLATIO NELSON, FAEELIN and JUSTIN GREEN walk in, also wearing ribbed t-shirts and designer jeans, etc., and grinning. ROMULUS takes out his Pancor Jackhammer and FN Five-seveN; shoots at FELLATIO multiple times. FELLATIO raises his hands up and the shots impact a temporary rainbow-colored force field. ROMULUS laughs a triumphant laugh, the manic look more evident now.
ROMULUS
And he’s shot dead with several rounds,
ripping his torso into a bloody pulp!
FELLATIO
(rolling his eyes)
Romulus, you really need to relax.
Several other ‘converted’ CF.Netters crowd in behind them and they all raise their arms, palms outward, and fire energy bolts at ROMULUS with loud electrical snaps. ROMULUS grimaces and staggers back against a wall as his outfit starts to change subtly, then starts laughing madly.
ROMULUS
(laughing)
And nothing happens whatsoever!
I’m wearing a Stream Disruptor!
His laughter continues as the view turns all bright; the loud electrical snaps quickly drown out his laughter.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
GBW crosses into the corridor’s view and looks down the corridor away from the camera. As he starts to look towards the camera, an energy bolt fires from it’s viewpoint and hits him in the arm, making him drop the slingshot. GBW clutches his arm and runs down the corridor, desperately making random turns in an effort to lose his pursuers. He turns a corner as he looks over his shoulder, then looks forward and stops abruptly to find himself in a dead end.
GBW
What–?!
Who built this corridor?!
GBW turns and sees a horde of ‘converted’ AH.Commers with KIT at their head. KIT is grinning as usual and takes a few steps forward from the rest of them.
KIT
Only two left after you.
Then the process will be complete and…
The Gap will be born!
GBW
The Gap?! No! Stay away!
KIT
(rolling his eyes)
Oh you know you love it really!
The shot turns to KIT and the others as they raise their arms and fire energy bolts out of their palms with loud electrical snaps.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – COMPUTER CORE/LEO CAESIUS’ BRAIN – DAY
The shot opens in darkness, then a hatch opens and a red light begins flashing. OTHNIEL hurries in and heads towards the huge glowing sphere that is LEO CAESIUS’ BRAIN.
OTHNIEL
I’m here! Now what?
LEO CAESIUS
You have to stop them from
reprogramming the Core!
OTHNIEL
Right!
(holds up his Bible)
I shall hold them off with the Word!
LEO CAESIUS
(after a pause)
No offense, but…
do you have anything else?
We suddenly hear the sound of the energy bolts and OTHNIEL spins around to see KIT and the others at the hatch; KIT steps inside.
KIT
(grinning wickedly)
Oh Leo… now you’re all mine…
OTHNIEL
Not if I have anything to say about it!
ABDUL, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE (who has short hair and is wearing flannel) step into the Core and fire energy bolts at OTHNIEL, who grimaces and is forced away from the Core. KIT steps up the sphere and eyes it with interest.
KIT
(raising his hands towards it)
It’s so huge…
LEO CAESIUS
NOOOOO!!!
The shot suddenly shifts to a splitscreen of the TSGs of the AH.COM and CF.NET; energy bolts start coursing all over them and they glow as they start to change shape. When the glow fades, they have both become… TOASTER OVENS!
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
We see energy bolts coursing over the hulls of the AH.COM and CF.NET, becoming more numerous and more intense as we watch. Then, suddenly, both ships blow up and two vortexes form and collapses onto each other into perfect blackness. A black hole, The Gap, forms and the nearby Moon crumbles and is sucked into it, revealing an Earth in the distance. As we watch, tendrils of its atmosphere start getting pulled towards The Gap…
FADE TO BLACK[
ROLL END CREDITS