Tag Archive for Dave Howery

4×04 – Spa Day

TEASER

EXT. – STREET – HUB – DAYISH

DOCTOR WHAT and the AH.COM CREW are all walking down the sidewalk. GREY WOLF is looking at a device in his hands.

GREY WOLF
I think this is the place.

WEAPON M pulls outs a BFG.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t think we’ll be needing that.

WEAPON M
You’re never sure.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, I think we’re not going to need it.

Pull back and we see a large glowing and glittering sign:

HUB CINEMAS:
10,000,000 SCREENS SHOWING UP TO
75 VERSIONS OF THE SAME MOVIE!!!

FLOCCULENCIO
I’m not sure about this.

MICHAEL
Movie Night?
It’s supposed to bring
the crew together.

FLOCCULENCIO
Why not just take us to a strip club?
That’ll work better than all sitting in a cinema.

MICHAEL
You know what happened last time.

MATT
Hey! I was drunk and uncoordinated.

MICHAEL
I was talking more about
the two dollars in pennies.

MATT
Oh, right. Well…

DOCTOR WHAT
(waving)
Alright, boys and girls.
We got the tickets, no pushing,
no shouting, no biting, and Sharky,
definitely no shin kicking.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wait, what are we going to watch?

MICHAEL
Dunno.
Keira was supposed to pick the movie.

FLOCCULENCIO
Mate, I have a bad feeling about this.

TWO HOURS LATER

The AH.COM CREW exit the movie theatre. We pull in on them, we see their faces pale and a few of them shaking.

MICHAEL
Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, god. Oh, god.
(shuddering)

FLOCCULENCIO
My mind…
I don’t…
Oh, god…

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF watch as the crew file pass. We see KEIRA KNIGHTLY leading a stunned looking DAVE HOWERY by the hand.

DOCTOR WHAT
Successful?

GREY WOLF
I don’t think I understood the plot.

DOCTOR WHAT
That happens when you fall asleep before it even begins.
Anyway. I think I’m crossing independent films from
a Cucuteni dominated worlds off my list of things to see.
Ye gods, I think what they did with the hedgehogs and
olive oil is going to haunt me for the next week.

GREY WOLF
I think I’ll wait until it arrives on video.

The two follow the crew.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“SPA DAY”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

DAVE HOWERY, KEIRA KNIGHTLY, and IRONYUPPIE are standing in the room. G.BONE is sleeping with his head on his arms, on the control panel for the Teleportation Tubes.

DAVE HOWERY
I don’t know about this.
I mean you going off all by your lonesome.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I’m not going off by my lonesome.
Ironyuppie’s coming with me.

DAVE HOWERY
(eyes IY)
Yeah, that’s also something worrying me.

IRONYUPPIE
Come on, Dave. You can’t keep he
r locked up in your quarters
all the time. It makes you look sad
and creepy, and seeing as you’re
already that, it just makes it more so.
People are talking and not the usual
behind your back kind of talking either.

DAVE HOWERY
(un-amused)
Har-dee-friggin-har.

IRONYUPPIE
Plus, y’know, a girl’s got needs.

DAVE HOWERY
(eyeing IY)
Now, I’m doubly worried.

IRONYUPPIE
Dude, I’ve got the same girl bits
she does. You think I’m after them?

DAVE HOWERY
Tell me you aren’t.

IRONYUPPIE
I’m not going to lie to you.
(long pause)

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
It’s only for a couple of hours.
What possibly could happen
at a day spa?

DAVE HOWERY
Keira, honey, darling dear, love of my life.
You really should never ask that kind of question.
The universe has a way of making you regret it.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF enter the Pub.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that was another
splendid mission we survived.

GREY WOLF
Ya, but I think Michael’s
gonna be sore for a month.

DOCTOR WHAT
A shame about that. But then again,
you know the saying.

GREY WOLF
You mess with the seven-ton
mutant rhino elephant dinosaur
and you get the horn/tusk/talon
thing up the backside?

DOCTOR WHAT
Something like that…
Come, I’ll buy you a drink.

GREY WOLF
I need something that’ll burn in a good way.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right, gutrot coming right up.

INT. – DARKEN ROOM – DAY

A MAN IN A MASK sits at a table. ANOTHER MAN IN A MASK arrives and sits across from him.

MAN IN A MASK
You got the stuff?

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
I got the stuff.

MAN IN A MASK
Then give me the stuff.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
I’ll give you the stuff.

MAN IN A MASK
Quit repeating things I say, boy.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Quit repeating things I say.

MAN IN A MASK
I’m annoyed.
If you got the stuff, then give it
and you’ll get your money.
If you don’t, then fuck off and die.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Fine. Fine. Geez, are you always this grumpy?

MAN IN A MASK
Only when dealing with idiots.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Here you go, mate.
Have fun and don’t get it on your skin.
God only know why you want that.

MAN IN A MASK
I have my reasons.
(evil grin)

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Yeah, yeah. Just make sure you got my money.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is sitting at a table, looking at a picture book. He looks a bit down.

FLOCCULENCIO and DMA enter the room.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, looked what crawled
out of the Engineering Bay.

DMA
Looks like something you
see after eating Taco Bell.

DAVE HOWERY
Leave me alone.

FLOCCULENCIO
Look it talks.

DMA
Aye, and it sounds like something
you hear after eating Taco Bell.

FLOCCULENCIO
What is your obsession with Taco Bell?

DMA
I’m hungry, get over it.

FLOCCULENCIO
(sighs)
If you’re going to be my Aussie Sidekick, now that
Michael’s incapacitated, you really have to be more
Johnny on the Spot with better barbed quips and
not be so easily distracted by bodily needs.

DMA
I could use a good hooker or two,
now that we’re talking about it.

FLOCCULENCIO
(sighs)
I need a better Aussie Sidekick.

DAVE HOWERY
You guys gonna leave? Or do I have to go
broken sprinkler head on your arses?

FLOCCULENCIO
Where’s the little missus?
She finally get over her programming
and flee in terror?

DAVE HOWERY
Quiet you. She loves me for being me!

FLOCCULENCIO
Keep telling yourself that, mate.
Keep telling yourself that.

DAVE HOWERY
She and Yuppie went to a spa.
Without me.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wow, you actually unchained her
from the radiator in your quarters?

DAVE HOWERY
She’s not chained up.

FLOCCULENCIO
But now that she’s gone,
I’ll wager she’s gone for good.

DMA
Aye, and she’s probably gettin’ felt up by
some young strapping buck right about now…

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you!
She’d never let another man touch her!

INT. – HUB – SPA – DAY

KEIRA KNIGHTLY lets out a groan of pleasure.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I’ve never been touched
like that by a man before!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

DAVE HOWERY and DMA are grappling on the floor as FLOCCULENCIO idly watches.

THANDE suddenly bursts into the room.

THANDE
Keira is gone!
Where did she go!

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, look what crawled out of the air ducts
leading to Dave and Keira’s quarters.

THANDE
Its nearly nine, that’s her shower time.

FLOCCULENCIO
Is anyone else completely
creeped out by that statement?

DMA
Aye, I’m a bit.

DAVE HOWERY
She’s gone off the ship!
Okay? Got it? Understand!
She’ll be back though.
(panting)
She will…

FLOCCULENCIO
A sane person would merely nod
and agree with you, right now.
(looks at DMA)
Aussie Sidekick?

DMA
(to Dave)
No she’s not coming back.

DAVE HOWERY launches himself at DMA.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is very sloshed, GREY WOLF sips at his mason jar, unaffected.

DOCTOR WHAT
So I said to him,
That’s not a tail, buddy.

GREY WOLF
Not to get your hopes up, Doc.
But I think there’s an attractive
girl eyeing you from afar.

DOCTOR WHAT
A what?

GREY WOLF
An attractive girl.

DOCTOR WHAT
You sure?
Because that usually doesn’t ever happen.

GREY WOLF
I know.
I’m baffled.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, point me in her general direction
and shove me off in that direction.

GREY WOLF points DOCTOR WHAT in the direction and pushes him. He staggers toward a young woman sitting at the bar, a welcoming smile on her face.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey…
I’m Doc.
What are you?

GIRL
Nice to meet you Doc…
My name is StrategyGirl.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

There’s a loud pop and a large container appears upon the Teleportation Tubes.

G.BONE looks at in confusion.

He hits the comm button.

G.BONE
Hey, did anyone order anything?

HENDRYK
Nope. Why?

G.BONE
I just got a package in. Says its
addressed to the Crew of the AH.com.

HENDRYK
Open it up.

G.BONE
Nope. I’m not falling for that again.

HENDRYK
Come on.

G.BONE
After what happened last time?
No.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN enters the Teleportation Tube Room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yo, you seen my tub of Crisco?

G.BONE
Hey, Psycho. Mind opening that crate?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You got my tub of Crisco?

G.BONE
I’ll give you one, if you open that crate.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Woot.
(opens crate)
Hey, cool!

G.BONE rises up from where he was crouching behind the control console.

G.BONE
No exploding hamsters?
No tentacle monsters wanting
to have sex with people?
No kumquats?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Nope. Just a load of porn.
A lot of porn.

G.BONE looks around.

G.BONE
Hey, what’s that rumbling sound.
It sounds like a stampede…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY sits tinkering with the engine.

THANDE walks in carrying a large cardboard thing.

DAVE HOWERY
(looks up)
What do you want?

THANDE
And a happy day to you, arsehat.

DAVE HOWERY
Look. Can’t you guys just leave me alone?

THANDE
So you can mope about and sob by yourself?

DAVE HOWERY
Yes.

THANDE
There’s a big shipment of porn that just came in.
Why don’t you take a few?

DAVE HOWERY
I’m not interested.

THANDE
(stares)
What has happened to you?

DAVE HOWERY
Get out of here.

THANDE
It’s a good thing then, that I came to bring you this.

THANDE stands the cardboard thing before DAVE HOWERY. We see it’s a cut out of KEIRA KNIGHTLY.

DAVE HOWERY
What the fuck is that?

THANDE
There are times when a man gets lonely.
And he just has to be reminded of things.

DAVE HOWERY
Where the fuck did you get that?

THANDE
(grinning)
Made it meself.

DAVE HOWERY
(glaring)
Why are there spots worn thin?

THANDE
(nervous laugh)
Uh… right.
(cocks head)
What’s that? I’m needed in the Chem Lab?
(to Dave)
Sorry, mate. I have to go. Needed and whatnot.

THANDE quickly leaves the Engineering Bay.

DAVE HOWERY looks at the card board cutout.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn crew.
This is why I chain Keira
to the radiator in my quarters.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DIAMOND are carrying large armfuls of porn.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dude, I’m so gonna look at all theses… tonight.

DIAMOND
Screw that. I’m looking at them right now.
(dumps porn)
Oooo.. Yeah…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(uncomfortable)
You know you’re not wearing pants, right?

DIAMOND
Hell yes I do.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(about to throw up)
I’m so outta here.
(flees)

DIAMOND
(opening magazine)
Daddy like….

INT. – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY paces in front of the cardboard cut out.

DAVE HOWERY
This is stupid. This is very stupid.
I should just throw you in the trash.
(stares at cutout)
I really should.
(shakes head)
No. that would be wrong. I can’t do that.
Not to you. Never to you.
(growls)
Stupid Thande and his perverted ways.
Why would he make a cutout of you?
Because he’s a pervert that’s why.
They all are.
I can see their lusting eyes.
I can see them nudging and winking at one another.
This is why I never brought a girl to the ship before.
Because I’ve had other girls, non programmed to love me girls.
I know how these asshats are. They swarm everything
that’s good and make it sick and wrong.
See what just happened now? A shipment of porn comes in
and like a plague of locust they swarm all over it. Picking it clean
and scurrying off to their respective hidey holes to beat themselves
to a pulp. What kind of people do that? Bad people. That’s what kind.
Evil creepy dirty people. People who corrupt everything they touch.
Its like I’m the only sane person here, the one who sees everything so clearly.
(pauses, taking breath)
You know what I’m talking about right?

DAVE HOWERY stares at the cardboard cutout.

DAVE HOWERY
Yes, you’re the only one that understands me. You’re
the only one who can see with clear eyes. You see what
kind of perverts they are. You see what they’re doing.
Disgusting.
(stares afar)
Something needs to be done.
Something…

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
You know what needs to be done, Dave.

DAVE HOWERY stares at the cardboard cutout.

DAVE HOWERY
Wha…
(blinks then nods)
I know what I have to do.
I have to kill the crew.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
Only you can do it, Dave.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

BOBO floats across the screen, emitting a low humming noise. TORQUMADA can be seen behind a large glass window, a large blood splattered window. His back is turned and we can see something ungodly twitching on the examining table.

The Med Bay door whisks open and PSYCHOMELTDOWN staggers in. He looks confused and has his hands before him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Torq!
Dude, you here?

TORQUMADA
(sighs)
What do you want, Psycho.
I’m kinda busy.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I got me a problem.

TORQUMADA
I told you, I can’t fix ugly.
You’re stuck that way.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, Torq. I got me a different problem.

TORQUMADA
I told you, I can’t fix size.
You’re stuck that way

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, Torq.
I seem to be blinded.

Pull in on PSYCHOMELTDOWN and we see his eyes are milked over.

INT. – HUB – PUT – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT leans close to STRATEGYGIRL, breathing heavily.

DOCTOR WHAT
So what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?

STRATEGYGIRL
Looking for a guy like you.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning foolishly)
Really?
Normally girls are looking for
the opposite of guys like me.

STRATEGYGIRL
Oh, but I like guys like you.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re pretty.
Did I tell you that?

STRATEGYGIRL
A girl can’t be told enough.

DOCTOR WHAT
Too pretty…
I mean, I’ve seen pretty. But you…
Too pretty. Suspiciously pretty.

STRATEGYGIRL
Now that’s something girls don’t like to hear.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, no. It’s just… I’ve never seen your kind of pretty here.
Its like… its like… too pretty to be here kind of pretty.
Makes a guy who’s had about zero
experience with women kinda suspicious.

STRATEGYGIRL
I am what I am.

DOCTOR WHAT
I like you.
Can I have sex with you?

STRATEGYGIRL
Who knows what the future holds.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grins foolishly)
I have s ship. A big ship.

STRATEGYGIRL
I’ll have to see that.
(smiles)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

KIT walks down the corridor, a towel over his shoulder and wearing a speedo and flip flops.

KIT
(whistling)
oh, he’ll be coming around the mountain,
when he comes.
He’ll be coming about the mountain,
When he comes.

There’s a revving sound.

KIT stops and looks over his shoulder.

Nothing.

KIT
(shrugs)
Oh, he’ll be coming around the mountain,
when he comes.

He stops again. Looking over his shoulder.

KIT
Honestly, what is that noise?

He turns and faces DAVE HOWERY.

KIT
Dave? What’s wrong? You got that
crazy woodsman look in your eyes.

DAVE HOWERY
Pervert.

KIT
(shrugs)
We all have our faults.
You just gotta accept it.

DAVE HOWERY
PERVERT!!!!!
YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY KEIRA!!!!

KIT
With a woman? Are you serious?

DAVE HOWERY pulls out a chain saw, it roars to life.

KIT begins screaming.

Fade out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK is sitting in the command chair, reading a magazine.

The comm unit chimes. He looks at it and shakes his head, returning to reading.

The comm unit chimes again.

He sighs and hits a button.

LANDSHARK
What?

TORQUMADA
Landshark. I think we have a problem.

LANDSHARK
I told you, its going to cost you double if you
want me to dispose of one of your creations again.
The last time it nearly bit my leg off.

TORQUMADA
No, not that. We can talk about that one later.
Right now, I think we have a medical emergency.

LANDSHARK
What kind.

TORQUMADA
(dramatic pause)
The Crew has gone BLIND!

LANDSHARK
(unimpressed)
So?

TORQUMADA
This qualifies as a medical emergency

LANDSHARK
I’m not blind.
By the looks of it, you’re not too.
So the whole crew isn’t affected.

TORQUMADA
Yes, but a large majority of the crew is.

LANDSHARK
(sighing)
what do you want me to do about it?

TORQUMADA
You’re technically in charge aren’t you?
Since Doc, Grey, and IronYuppie are off the ship.

LANDSHARK
Yuppie isn’t in the chain of command.

TORQUMADA
Come on, Landshark.
Lets be honest here.

LANDSHARK
I’m hanging up on you.

TORQUMADA
But we need to –

The comm unit dies.

LANDSHARK
Torq? You there?
Hello? Hello?
(growls)
You hung up on ME????

Suddenly the hatch to the Control Room is thrown open and Kit jumps in. He slams the hatch close and locks it.

LANDSHARK rises from the command chair.

LANDSHARK
Now what the bloody hell is going on here.
(looks at Kit)
Gods above, Kit. Put on some pants.

KIT
Dave!
He’s gone crazy!

LANDSHARK
Tell me something I don’t know.

KIT
He’s trying to kill me.

LANDSHARK
At this moment, if I had a weapon,
I’d be trying to do that same too.
Jebus, why are you wearing a speedo?

KIT
I was going to the pool.

LANDSHARK
We have a pool?

KIT
Focus, Landshark.
Dave’s gone absolutely nutters.
He thinks I’m trying to sleep with Keira.
I don’t even like girls!

LANDSHARK
(scratching head)
Yeah, even bat shit insane Dave knows you’re the
only one not looking to shag his fake woman.
(sighs)
I guess I’m gonna have to call Doc.
(hits comm unit, nothing happens)
The hell?

KIT
The comm units are all dead.
He cut the cables and destroyed
the machinery as I ran from him.

LANDSHARK
Well, isn’t that bloody convenient.

Suddenly a roaring sound fills the room. Sparks begin to fly from the hatch.

KIT
I think he’s trying to cut his way in!

LANDSHARK
Hey, Dave! Kit’s not trying to sleep with Keira!

DAVE HOWERY
(from behind the hatch)
I’ll kill you both!
I’ll kill you both.

LANDSHARK
Now, I’m included in this?
What the fuck?

DAVE HOWERY
(from beyond the hatch)
I’ll kill you both!
I’ll kill you both!

The hatch falls from its hinges in a shower of sparks.

DAVE HOWERY
(screaming)
I’ll kill you both!
I’ll kill you all!!!

LANDSHARK and KIT flee through the side hatch.

LANDSHARK
Great, just fucking great.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

MOSQUITO is leading a group of people HENDRYK, G.BONE, and GBW.

MOSQUITO
So, what happened to you guys?

GBW
We went blind. It seems.

MOSQUITO
This happens often?

GBW
About never.

MOSQUITO
Dude, that sucks.

G.BONE
I know.
I was just getting into the Big Jugs catalog.

HENDRYK
And how I was enjoying the tentacle porn mag.

MOSQUITO
How about you, GBW.
What were you enjoying.

GBW
None of your business.

G.BONE
I think he took the Manlove Illustrated mag.

GBW
You shut your filthy mouth.

There’s suddenly a revving sound.

G.BONE
Uh.. what was that?

MOSQUITO
I think someone’s revving a chain saw.

GBW
Dave?
You out there?

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you all!
I’ll kill you all!
You’re trying to seduce my Keira!!!

MOSQUITO
Dude, I’m not.

DAVE HOWERY
(pauses)
Nah, you’re cool Mosquito.
I know you’re not after her.
But these guys.. these guys…
I’ll kill you all!!!!

The three begin screaming.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

LANDSHARK and KIT are walking down the corridor.

LANDSHARK
You can stop holding my hand now.

KIT
Oh, right.

LANDSHARK
What the bloody hell is going on anyway?
Torq says everyone’s gone blind.
(suspiciously)
Why aren’t you blind?

KIT
Me? I don’t know.

LANDSHARK
(touches wall panel)
Leo? Leo, you there?

KIT
He’s offline, it seems.
Dave did it, before he went bonkers.

LANDSHARK
Give it to the raving lunatic to turn off the
main computer, before he tries killing everyone.

KIT
He scares me.

LANDSHARK
Yeah, when you don’t shave for
years on end, that tends to happen.

Suddenly MOSQUITO, G.BONE, GBW, and HENDRYK stumble into the corridor.

MOSQUITO looks shaken.

MOSQUITO
I think I killed him.
There was so much blood.

LANDSHARK
(grabbing hold of Mosquito)
What happened?

GBW
Dave tried killing us.
He said we were trying to sleep with Keira.

G.BONE
Guy’s nutters!

KIT
I know, right!

HENDRYK
He was raving and revving his chainsaw
and I think Mosquito attacked him.

MOSQUITO
There was so much blood.
(looks ill)

LANDSHARK slaps MOSQUITO.

LANDSHARK
Get a hold of yourself, man… bug thing.
Tell me what happened.

MOSQUITO
Dave attacked the others, then I hit him.
He fell over and hit his head…there was so much blood.
(begins sobbing)

LANDSHARK
so he hit his head?
That should-

A revving sound begins.

LANDSHARK
Aw, bugger. A little hit isn’t going to stop him.

KIT
He’s coming! Run!

The six flee.

INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is pacing around.

DAVE HOWERY
I can’t kill them all if they keep running away.
I need to trap them somehow.
I need to gather them all together.
Yes, that’s what I’ll do.
I need to gather them together.
(begins laughing insanely)
They’ll not touch you, Keira.
They’ll never touch you.

We see the cardboard cutout strapped to DAVE’s back.

DAVE HOWERY
Need to get them together.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
You know what you have to do, Dave…

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

LANDSHARK, KIT, MOSQUITO, GBW, G.BONE, and HENDRYK stumble into the Med Bay. TORQUMADA looks up from where he’s examining DIAMOND. On the other beds are the rest of the crew, all blinded and moaning.

TORQUMADA
And that makes everyone. I can’t
get a hold of Doc, Grey, Oth, or Lee.

LANDSHARK
Yes, comm’s dead. Computer’s off.
Doc and Grey are off the ship.

TORQUMADA
What the hell are we going to do?

LANDSHARK
Dave’s gone bat shit crazy again.
Something about people trying to sleep with Keira.

TORQUMADA
What else is new?

LANDSHARK
He’s trying to kill everyone.

TORQUMADA
Well…

LANDSHARK
What’s the status?

TORQUMADA
Everyone seems to be blind.
I’m not sure why. It’s getting
progressively worse, in any case.

LANDSHARK
They’re getting more blind?

TORQUMADA
No, it seems their eyeballs are atrophying.
In a few hours they’ll be useless.

LANDSHARK
Well, you can grow new ones, right?

TORQUMADA
No.

LANDSHARK
Shit. What can we do to reverse it?

TORQUMADA
Not everything can be reversed.

LANDSHARK
Of course it can. There isn’t a disease,
virus, or STD we’ve not miraculously
come up with a cure for in a few
stressed hours.

TORQUMADA
I don’t see how we can…

LANDSHARK
Now, we have to discover what caused this.
Is there anything they all shared? Partook in?

TORQUMADA
I’m not sure.

G.BONE
There was that big
shipment of porn we got in.
Everyone took some.

KIT
There was porn?

G.BONE
Mostly heterosexual porn.

KIT
Mostly? Where’d the
non heterosexual porn go?

G.BONE
GBW? You know?

GBW
Shut up.

LANDSHARK
Quiet, children.
Tell me, where is this porn located?

G.BONE
Everywhere, I guess.
But the container is still
in the Teleportation Tube Room.

LANDSHARK
We’ll need to examine that container.
It might give us some clues.

KIT
Playing detective now, are you?

LANDSHARK
Shut up, kitten. I’m thinking.

Suddenly there’s a squeal as the comm unit comes on.

VOICE
Hi, everyone. This is Leo,
I’m back online.

KIT
Leo? You sound funny.

VOICE
I had to reroute my vocal
processors through a few
different circuits. So its
making me sound funny.

KIT
You sound like Dave
trying to sound like Leo.

VOICE
Now, why would I do that?

KIT
Dunno, but its creeping me out.

LANDSHARK
Leo. Can you contact Doc
or Grey or Oth or Lee?

VOICE
Sorry, no outside communications.
Dave really did a number on them.
He’s so awesome and knows all about how to cripple
the ship easily. It only took him five minutes.
He’s super awesome.

KIT
Leo?

VOICE
You all need to come to the mess hall.
I can teleport you all off the ship in the mess hall.

LANDSHARK
This is giving me that not right
feeling in my bowels.

KIT
Can’t you just teleport us all out of the-

LANDSHARK
Kit no!

KIT
(cont)
med bay. We’re all in the med bay.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

VOICE
Med Bay, eh? You’re all in the med bay.
And I was looking to gather you all up in the Mess Hall.
Everyone sit tight, I’ll be right there.

KIT
How can you come here, I thought
you were still in the ship’s computers…

LANDSHARK
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

KIT
What?

LANDSHARK
That wasn’t Leo. That was Dave
pretending to be Leo. Now you’ve
just gone and told him where we all are.

KIT
So?
What is he going to do?

Suddenly the door to the Med Bay begins sparking and the roar of a chainsaw can be heard from outside.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

TORQUMADA
What are we going to do? That door can’t
hold him. Not in his bat shit crazy state.

LANDSHARK
We need to cure the crew and
we need to get Keira back onto the ship.

KIT
What’s Keira going to do?

LANDSHARK
Dave went bat shit crazy
when Keira left.
What do you think?

KIT
Oh… right.
Jesus, talk about issues.

TORQUMADA
Get me a sample of the porn; I’ll see if I can identify
any contaminates on it that caused this blindness.

LANDSHARK
Kit. You get a sample of that container.
I’ll get Dave’s attention.

KIT
Oh, huzzah. I get to get porn.

TORQUMADA
Just don’t touch it. Here wear these gloves.

LANDSHARK
Right.
On the count of three. We make our escape.

INT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MED BAY – DAY

KIT and LANDSHARK duck out through a side door.

LANDSHARK
Now you run. I’ll get his attention.

KIT
How?

LANDSHARK
Leave that to me.

KIT races off down the corridor.

DAVE HOWERY is being showered with sparks as he cuts through the med bay door.

DAVE HOWERY
Kill you all.
Kill you all.

LANDSHARK
Hey, Dave!

DAVE HOWERY doesn’t hear him.

LANDSHARK
Oi! Asshat!

DAVE HOWERY still doesn’t hear him.

LANDSHARK
I slept with Keira!
And she loved every moment of it!
Said she’d never been satisfied like that before!
I did such unholy things to her!
I even-

The buzzing of the chainsaw has stopped and DAVE HOWERY stares at LANDSHARK, a look of pure hatred in his face.

LANDSHARK
Aw, fuck.

LANDSHARK turns and runs.

EXT – HUB – OUTSIDE HOTEL – DAY

STRATEGYGIRL and DOCTOR WHAT are standing out side the door.

STRATEGYGIRL
So, this is me.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right.

STRATEGYGIRL
You want to come up?

DOCTOR WHAT
For coffee?

STRATEGYGIRL
No. Just sex.

DOCTOR WHAT
(stunned)
Huh?
(suspicious)
You want to have sex with me?

STRATEGYGIRL
Why do you keep sounding so suspicious?

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re so pretty..
It’s just.. unnatural.

STRATEGYGIRL
So you coming up or not?

DOCTOR WHAT
You need not ask me twice.

DOCTOR WHAT races for the Hotel door, already pulling off his shirt.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

LANDSHARK turns a corner and runs into OHTNIEL.

LANDSHARK
Oth! What the fuck are you-
Hey, you’re not blind!

OTHNIEL
What? What’s going on?
What do you mean blind?

LANDSHARK
Everyone on the ship is blind.
Dave has gone rat in a tin shithouse crazy again.

OTHNIEL
That would explain all the screaming that disrupted
my early early morning, early morning, morning,
mid morning, late mid morning, early afternoon,
afternoon, mid afternoon, late afternoon prayers.

LANDSHARK
Yes. Now Dave’s chasing me, Kit’s gone to the
Teleportation Room to find out what caused this.
It seems a container of porn arrived and somehow
infected the crew with blindness.

OTHNIEL
It’s the unholy touching they do when they gaze
upon the unclothed flesh of women.
This is God’s will.

LANDSHARK
Right. Right.
What I need you to do is get off the ship and
go find Keira at the spa she and Yuppie went to.
We need her back, she’s the only one that’ll calm down Dave.

OTHNIEL
I suppose.

LANDSHARK
Unless you want to be Dave bait?

OTHNIEL
No, I’ll go.

OTHNIEL hurries off.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

DAVE HOWERY stops and pants, leaning against a bulkhead.

DAVE HOWERY
Fast, for a Englishman.
He said such horrible things. He needs to die.
I have to kill him.
He said such horrible things.

DAVE HOWERY rises up and staggers down the corridor.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
You know what you have to do, Dave.
Only you can do it, Dave.

INT. – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK bursts into the room.

LANDSHARK
Damn it, Kit. What’s taking so bloody long.

There’s a whimpering sound and KIT sits in the corner, head buried in his knees.

LANDSHARK
What the hell are you doing?

KIT looks up and we see his eyes are milked over.

LANDSHARK
AW, BLOODY FUCKING HELL!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!

KIT
I couldn’t help myself. There was this
GQ ad on the second page and…

LANDSHARK
Bloody hell!
Give me your gloves!

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

LANDSHARK and KIT exit the Teleportation Room. LANDSHARK is carrying a piece of the container wrapped in plastic and held with the gloves.

Suddenly the revving of the chainsaw can be heard.

DAVE HOWERY
LANDSHARK!!!!!

LANDSHARK
Aw, crap.

KIT
He’s coming!
He’s coming!

LANDSHARK
Shut up and he won’t hear you.
We just keep going.

They scurry down the corridor, the sound of the chainsaw stalking them.

LANDSHARK
We’re almost there.

Suddenly DAVE HOWERY jumps in front of them.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you all!

LANDSHARK
Run!

KIT runs and slams into the bulkhead, knocking himself out.

LANDSHARK
Fuck

LANDSHARK drops the container and strips off the gloves.

LANDSHARK
Now, its you and me, colonial wanker.
A fight to the death.
And I meant everything I said about Keira.

DAVE HOWERY
(screaming)
I’ll kill you!

He charges.

LANDSHARK dodges the first wild sweep of the chainsaw, slugging DAVE HOWERY in the stomach. He’s rewarded with a grunt of pain, but gets backhanded by DAVE. LANDSHARK goes flying, bouncing off the bulkhead and collapsing on the deck.

LANDSHARK
Shit.

He gets back up.

LANDSHARK
That all you got?

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you!!!!

DAVE HOWERY charges again. LANDSHARK dodges the wild swing again, rolling to his feet behind DAVE, who slashes his chainsaw into the bulkhead. Its stuck there and he tries pulling it free.

LANDSHARK runs up and kicks DAVE in the crotch, which causes him to emit a low pitch squeal of pain, but not let go of the chainsaw. Instead DAVE kicks back, connecting with LANDSHARK’s stomach and sending the man flying away from him.

LANDSHARK
Aw, hell.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll just kill you the old fashioned way.

DAVE HOWERY releases his chainsaw and grabs LANDSHARK by the neck.

DAVE HOWERY
Die! DIE! DIEEEE!!!!

LANDSHARK gropes for a weapon, he grabs KIT’s flip flop and begins hitting DAVE with it. To no effect. His attempts go weaker and weaker.

DAVE HOWERY
Die! Die! Di-

Suddenly DAVE’s eyes roll up in the back of his head and he collapses upon LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
Ow…
What the hell?

WEAPON M
Looked like you needed some help there, dude.

LANDSHARK
Where the hell have you been?
And why aren’t you blinded?

WEAPON M
Blinded?

LANDSHARK
You didn’t touch the porn did you?
Or the container it came in?

WEAPON M
Oh, that. Yeah, I got me a handful of it.

LANDSHARK
Then why aren’t you blind.

WEAPON M shrugs.

LANDSHARK
Everyone who touched the porn went blind.

WEAPON M
Guess I’m immune.
(grins)
I took some of the porn that came in,
got in the mood, so I went out and
picked up some chicks at the Pub,
had me some fun, and now I’m
just getting back.

LANDSHARK
(pushes Dave off of him)
No. Not immune. It just means you had
a little self-control and didn’t beat yourself
into a pulp like the rest of these stupid gits.
I suspect the blindness was not caused by the
porn itself, but by the combination of the porn
and the self-groping. What insidious mind
would come up with such a thing?

WEAPON M
Dude, guess they’re right.
Beat your meat and you’ll go blind.
But have sex with women of loose virtues
and morals and you’ll be fine.

LANDSHARK
Yeah, yeah. What the hell
are we going to do now?

WEAPON M
Guess we’ll have to tie up, Dave.

LANDSHARK
Lemme give this sample to Torq first.

The two enter the Med Bay and they see Torq sitting forlornly in a chair.

LANDSHARK
Torq, we got your sample.

TORQUMADA looks up and we see his eyes are milked over.

LANDSHARK
Aw, fucking hell!

INT. – MAIN ENTRANCE – HUB DAY SPA – DAY

OTHNIEL enters the day spa, out of breath. He bends over double, gasping for air.

GREETER
Can I help you, sir?

OTHNIEL looks up and is presented with a scantly clad woman.

His mouth opens and he doesn’t make a sound.

His eyes wander the main entrance and its filled with scantly clad men and women. His eyes about bug out.

GREETER
Sir?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oth? What’s wrong?

OTHNIEL’s gaze falls upon KEIRA KNIGHTLY, who’s also scantly clad.

His mouth drops further.

Then he faints.

INT. – HOTEL ROOM – DAY

STRATEGYGIRL is seeing pulling on her clothes. DOCTOR WHAT is lying in the bed, curled up in a fetal position. We can see him shake and quiver every now and then.

STRATEGYGIRL
How you feeling?

DOCTOR WHAT
(whimpers)

STRATEGYGIRL
What? You didn’t like that?

DOCTOR WHAT
(whimpers)

STRATEGYGIRL
You can stay in the room.
It’s paid until tomorrow morning.

DOCTOR WHAT
(whimpers)

STRATEGYGIRL
Be seeing you, Doc.
(grins)

DOCTOR WHAT
(begins sobbing)

STRATEGYGIRL leaves the room, DOCTOR WHAT buries himself in the bed sheets.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CAPTAIN’S READY ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, and LANDSHARK are sitting in the room, sipping tea.

DOCTOR WHAT
So Dave’s under control now?

LANDSHARK
Yeah, once Keira got back onboard he settled down.
Apologized for nearly killing everyone.

GREY WOLF
(laughs)
Some people are just down right strange.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, glad to see no one got hurt.

GREY WOLF
Torq says in about two days everyone will get their vision back.
Thande claimed it was similar to the combination of chemicals
that turned that one world we visited blind.
Just a more sophisticated version. Torq whipped
up a cure and the crew’ll be back to their usual in a few days.

DOCTOR WHAT
And the porn?

GREY WOLF
Oth gleefully burned it all.
Then strangely went blind afterward.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
Anyone taking claim for this little misadventure?

GREY WOLF
Nope.
All’s quiet.

LANDSHARK
Maybe it’s just a wonky accident.

DOCTOR WHAT
Porn laced with a blindness chemical
delivered randomly to our ship?
I think not.
There’s an insidious evil mind working here.

GREY WOLF
So how did your little romp go?

DOCTOR WHAT
Romp?

GREY WOLF
I say you heading off with the attractive young woman.
And you didn’t come in until this morning.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shivers)
She didn’t turn out to be what she appeared to be…

LANDSHARK
What? Was she a man?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shudders)
No. something worse.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

WARD and GRIMM REAPER sit at a table. A figure sits before them, the chemical burned MIRROR THANDE.

WARD
You said the blindness was permanent.

MIRROR THANDE
What can I say? My counterparts can whip up miracle cures.
We’re all geniuses like that.

WARD
I’m only giving you half.

MIRROR THANDE
Whatever. Just give me my money.

GRIMM REAPER slides a briefcase across the table.

MIRROR THANDE looks at it.

MIRROR THANDE
One that isn’t packed with exploding hamsters.

GRIMM REAPER sighs and pushes a different brief case across the table.

MIRROR THANDE
(rolls eyes)
One that isn’t filled with molesting tentacles.

GRIMM REAPER
It seems my tricks are getting well known.

GRIMM REAPER pushes a briefcase across the table.

MIRROR THANDE
Nice doing business with you.
Hope to do it again.

WARD
Send my regards to your captain.

MIRROR THANDE nods and walks off. Another figure slides into the seat before WARD. WARD covers his eyes.

STRATEGYGIRL
That was actually fun, y’know?

WARD
(eyes covered)
I’m glad you enjoyed that.
Pay her, Grimm.
No, don’t try to kill her,
just pay her.

GRIMM REAPER sighs and pushes a briefcase across the table.

STRATEGYGIRL
I think I’ve ruined him for any other woman.
You should have heard his weeping.

WARD
(eyes covered)
I’m glad. But you underestimate him.
He’ll be back in the saddle in a few days.

STRATEGYGIRL
Then why?

WARD
(eyes covered)
Because I felt like it.
Now, if you don’t mind.
Please leave.

STRATEGYGIRL gets up and leaves.

GRIMM REAPER
Well, she was an attractive girl.

WARD
Yeah, but she ain’t what she appears.
Trust me, just don’t look at her for too long.
You’ll regret it.

GRIMM REAPER
(shakes head)
So now instead of just outright
trying to shoot the AH.commers,
we’re just messing with their minds?

WARD
Oh, this is just the opening number
for what I have in plan for them.

GRIMM REAPER
Sounds insidious.

WARD
It is.
Just you wait.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

To Live and Die in Sault Ste. Marie

TEASER


INT. – AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

The camera pans across the interior of the large room, showing a collection of broken and battered equipment scattered across the floor. DOCTOR WHAT comes into view, examining a small motor. Behind him, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G BONE are seen, picking through the various pieces of equipment. PSYCHOMELTDOWN throws down a computer board in disgust.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it! DAVE HOWERY bought and installed most
of this crap… why isn’t he here working on it with us?

G BONE
(smirks)
Why do you think?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(groans)
Christ, don’t tell me he’s back in his quarters doing the nasty with KEIRA?!
I thought he’d gotten over that. He really shouldn’t be pushing himself like
that… he’s not a young man anymore. And besides,
she’s nothing compared to ALYSON!

G BONE
Ah, PSYCHO, where’s your sense of romance?
Just think of it… DAVE and his first love, traveling t
he timelines together hand in hand…

DOCTOR WHAT
(distractedly)
Not his first…

He pushes a wire dangling loose from the motor into one of the sockets… it sparks and singes his fingers. DOCTOR WHAT drops the motor on his foot, hops up and down in pain, and puts his burnt finger in his mouth. After a moment of this, he looks up to see the two engineers looking at him in curiosity.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? Damn it, that hurt!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What do you mean, ‘not his first’? You’re not saying that there
was some other girl deluded enough to like him? Hell, KEIRA
is his only because she was mentally programmed to love him,
in that big LARP game you and he were hijacked into.

DOCTOR WHAT
Haven’t any of you ever asked DAVE about his background…
the timeline he came from?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G BONE look at each other blankly.

G BONE
Well… we don’t really talk to him much. He tends to start babbling
about the dangers of Canada and why it must be destroyed. I generally
stop listening when he starts talking. From everything I’ve heard, he’s
been on the ship almost as long as you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Almost. Back when GREY WOLF and I were forced to shift and
retreat from the Devourer in the second battle against it. We picked
up DAVE as the first new crew member; luckily, as it turned out,
since the shift engines had been hammered pretty bad and needed
repairs. He has always been kind of close mouthed, but I had no
idea that all of you were in the dark about his background.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Meh, mainly we didn’t really give a shit.
(G.Bone nod)
So… are you going to tell us the story?

DOCTOR WHAT
(suspiciously)
Is this some kind of ploy to get out of doing your work?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’d never do such a thing. Honest.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… okay then. Tighten your seat belts, kids,
we’re going back down memory lane…

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series


“TO LIVE AND DIE IN SAULT STE. MARIE”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY


ACT I


EXT- SPACE- DAY

SEVEN YEARS AGO… A MONTH AFTER THE FIRST BATTLE AGAINST THE DEVOURER

The camera opens on a scene high above the earth. A wormhole opens, and the AH.COM emerges from it. It settles smoothly into orbit… but then, a rattling sound is heard and the engines shut down.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

The camera first shows us a view of the shift engines. A low thumping noise can be heard off camera. The camera slowly pans across the room, and we see GREY WOLF kicking the shift engine. The engine is completely inert… no sounds, no movement. GREY WOLF stops kicking it, and looks around.

GREY WOLF
Well, Doc, we’re totally stuck. If we don’t find an engineer
on this world to fix it, we’re staying here forever.

The camera switches to DOCTOR WHAT, whose face is hidden behind a lurid magazine with the title “Dominatrix Lesbians with Whip Cream”. He lowers the magazine and looks at GREY WOLF with a blank expression.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

GREY WOLF
The shift engine is dead. You and
I just aren’t qualified to fix it anymore.

DOCTOR WHAT
Did you try remagnetizing the ucephalus tri-converters?

GREY WOLF
Yes, but it didn’t work.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh. Did you replace the magnesium
sulfate ion scrubber solution?

GREY WOLF
Yes, but that didn’t work either.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh. Did you try shoving a hot dog
up the duo-carbon exhaust?

GREY WOLF
Yes… and I still can’t believe that actually worked last time.
If we don’t find an engineer on this world, we’re screwed.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
Oh. Well, let’s go see what this timeline looks like.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are seen at two of the computer consoles, looking over data scrolling in on the monitors.

GREY WOLF
I hate doing this part. Monitoring broadcasts, connecting to library databases,
scanning surface features… it takes hours to do all this stuff. It would be handy
if we had some kind of central AI to do all this; it’d only take a few minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, we need to keep an eye out for something like that. Hmm… okay,
I think we have enough data to work with. Looks like we have a world
that fell deeply into Communism. From what I can tell, every nation in
the world is communist. The USA seems to have been the last hold out,
and is occupied by several other nations… even Canada! Seems like it’s
a bad thing to be an American in this timeline.

GREY WOLF
Isn’t it a bad thing to be an American on all of them?

The two laugh and hoot and scratch themselves.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, in spite of the occupation, it seems that the majority of the high tech
R&D is going on in the former USA, especially in the Canadian occupied
sector. What’s say we go down and see if we can find an engineer?

GREY WOLF
Sounds like a plan. Only… do we
have to use the teleportation tube thing again?

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t tell me you’re still paranoid about that?

GREY WOLF
Well, neither of us really knows how to properly work it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t worry, I read the manual, and I have it down pretty good.
There’s only a small chance of anything going wrong.

DOCTOR WHAT walks out of the room, followed by GREY WOLF.

GREY WOLF
What do you mean, a small chance? How small?

INT- AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM- DAY

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT are standing on the teleportation tube pad. DOCTOR WHAT is pushing buttons on a remote control device.

GREY WOLF
Again, I ask, a small chance of what?

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? Oh. There’s about a 2% chance that your feet will
be switched during transport, your right foot going to your
left leg, and vice versa. But don’t worry about it.

DOCTOR WHAT pushes a button on the remote control device, and the two start to shimmer out of view. GREY WOLF’S panicked shout can be heard for a moment.

EXT- SAULT STE. MARIE- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF shimmer into view. The camera pans around them as they look, and we see a wooded area just outside the town.

GREY WOLF
Why did you pick this spot in particular?

DOCTOR WHAT
The scanners showed a major research facility here. Apparently, the
cream of the R&D research teams is here. It’s the best shot we have
of finding an engineer. Plus, we’re deep inside the Canadian Occupation Zone,
so we don’t have to worry about running into the German or Russian
occupation forces in the other parts of the country. Everyone should
speak English here. And… would you stop looking at your feet?! They’re fine.

GREY WOLF
Just checking.

The two walk out of the woods and head towards the town. Moments later, they hear the roar of a truck engine. Turning, they see a large truck with a squad of Canadian soldiers in the back approaching them. The truck screeches to a halt near them, and the soldiers jump out and form a perimeter around the two. A sergeant steps out to talk.

SERGEANT
Halt! Americans are not allowed to be out of the city limits
without papers and guards. Show us your ID at…

The soldier stops and looks closely at DOCTOR WHAT. He pales and quickly waves at his soldiers, who all lower their weapons.

SERGEANT
Doctor! I had no idea that you were anywhere in the area! Please…
let me drive you into town and provide an escort.

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at each other blankly for a moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… thank you. We’ll accept the ride, but not the escort.
Our business here is… confidential.

SERGEANT
Of course, Doctor.

He waves his men back aboard the truck. DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF get into the cab. The truck moves back onto the road and heads toward the town.

EXT- SAULT STE. MARIE- DAY-

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are seen walking down one of the city streets. They look around furtively as they speak.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thank God for alternate versions of… well, me.
This’ll make everything a lot easier.

GREY WOLF
Yeah, so long as the you of this timeline doesn’t hear
about any of this. What do suppose your counterpart does here?

DOCTOR WHAT
Something big. Those soldiers were quaking in their boots
at the thought of having disturbed me. Whatever… let’s hope
my counterfeit status here will get us into the research complex.

The camera switches to a rear view of the two walking up a road. They are moving towards a large industrial complex seen in the distance.

EXT- SSM INDUSTRIAL CENTER- DAY-

The camera shows the outside of the industrial complex. It is a collection of drab looking buildings surrounded by a high security fence topped with barbed wire. Checkpoints and guard shacks are at every entrance. DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are seen approaching one entrance. They stop at the guard shack there, and a soldier, UBBERGEEK, steps out and confronts them.

UBBERGEEK
Halt! Show your identity papers…

He suddenly pales and stiffens to attention.

UBBERGEEK
My apologies, Doctor! I was not notified of your arrival here.
Please, go through at once.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you, soldier. Carry on.

The soldier raises the barricade, and DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF step into the compound. They walk down one of the alleys between the buildings, looking at the signs on them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that was easy. Did you see the look on his face?
My counterpart here must be one powerful person.

GREY WOLF
Or one evil one. That guard looked scared.
So, see anything that looks promising?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not right… wait… this looks good.

DOCTOR WHAT points to one large concrete building ahead of him. A sign on it reads “COMPOUND E. MECHANICAL, COMPUTER, AND ROBOTICS RESEARCH. AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY.”

DOCTOR WHAT
What do you think? Want to give it a shot?

GREY WOLF nods. The two walk up to the building. A soldier stands guard by the door. He starts to challenge the two, but sees DOCTOR WHAT, and stiffens to attention. He opens the door for them, and the two walk inside.

INT- COMPOUND E- CORRIDOR- DAY-

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are seen walking down a long corridor and looking at doors as they go.

GREY WOLF
I think I’ve found a flaw in our plan, Doc. Just how do we go
about finding a competent engineer? For that matter, how do
we make him believe us?

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.

GREY WOLF
(muttering)
I hate it when you say that.

The two stop in front of a window and look through it to the room beyond. The camera switches to their POV. DAVE HOWERY and HERMANUBIS are seen standing at a table, examining pieces of metal. DAVE HOWERY is obviously a slightly younger version of the one on the AH.COM, except that he is clean shaven and looks completely sane. DOCTOR WHAT looks next to the window and sees a door there, marked with a sign saying “LABORATORY 7: METALLURGY AND ADVANCED MECHANICAL APPLICATIONS”.

DOCTOR WHAT
So, what do you think? Should we go in and ask a few questions?
I don’t want to tell anything about the real story behind us, but I’d
like to fish around and find out just what’s going on around here.

GREY WOLF
Well, we have to start somewhere… wait.
Someone’s coming! Look important and arrogant.

The camera switches to the corridor, and VALAMYR and REDEM are seen walking into view, both wearing military uniforms. They stop at the door, and REDEM reaches for the doorknob.

INT- COMPOUND E- LABORATORY 7- DAY-

The camera opens on DAVE HOWERY and HERMANUBIS; both look grim and unhappy.

HERMANUBIS
Damn it, failure again. They aren’t going to be happy with us.

DAVE HOWERY
Are they ever happy with us?

HERMANUBIS
No, but there’s a difference between not happy and really pissed off.

DAVE HOWERY opens his mouth to answer, but the sound of the door opening distracts him. VALAMYR and REDEM are seen walking into the room. DAVE HOWERY and HERMANUBIS both kneel and lower their heads. The two Canadian soldiers look down at them with a mix of arrogance, hatred, and disgust.

REDEM
American scum! Report, #2191!

DAVE HOWERY
The latest attempt has failed also. The metal
held it’s density for only a few seconds.

REDEM sneers down at him. He walks over to the table and picks up a piece of the metal on it… it crumbles in his grasp.

REDEM
Failure again. Have you lost your touch, #2191?

HERMANUBIS
I do not think that it is possible to make an indestructible metal, lord.
Perhaps it is time we were put to work on more probable projects.

VALAMYR
That is for others to decide, worm. Not you,
not him, not any American scum. You will
keep working on this project, and
you will get results.

The two Canadians leave the room. After the door shuts, HERMANUBIS looks up cautiously. The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who also looks up; a look of cold fury is on his face.

DAVE HOWERY
I hate kowtowing to those bastards. Every day,
I swear it will be the last time I do so.

HERMANUBIS
But you know it isn’t, and you know why it isn’t.

DAVE HOWERY
(sighs)
Yes. Damn it.

The camera pans to the window. It is darkened, and is obviously a one way window; the corridor outside cannot be seen.

INT- COMPOUND E- CORRIDOR- DAY-

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at each other in shock.

GREY WOLF
My God… just what is going on here? Slavery?

DOCTOR WHAT
Looks like it. But… one of these Americans might be just what we need.
There’s an answer to one of our problems… we can offer one of them a
way off this timeline.

GREY WOLF
You mean… get one to stay with us permanently, as a
member of the crew? That’s not a bad idea.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, it works on this timeline…
why would any American want to stay here?

GREY WOLF
But we still have to convince them that we are what we say we are…
that’s not going to be easy. Plus, are any of these people going to
have the will to help us? They look to be pretty browbeaten.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grins and points to DAVE HOWERY)
That one isn’t… look at him… he’s really pissed off!

The camera switches to a view of DAVE HOWERY seen through the window… his fist is clenched tightly, and the veins are standing out on his arms. The camera switches back to the corridor.

DOCTOR WHAT
I want to question them while
we have a chance. I need some answers.

GREY WOLF nods. The two move over to the door and open it.

INT- COMPOUND E- LABORATORY 7- DAY

DAVE HOWERY and HERMANUBIS are gathering up the pieces of the metal on the table, when the door opens again. They look over to see DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF enter. Both Americans look in shock for a moment. Both turn pale and kneel again, very quickly, lowering their gaze to the floor.

DAVE HOWERY
DOCTOR WHAT! I’m sorry, no one
notified us that you would be here.
I apologize for our lack of preparedness.

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at each other a moment with surprise on their faces.

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t worry, you weren’t supposed to know.
This visit is classified. So… what is your name?

DAVE HOWERY looks up briefly in surprise, then lowers his gaze again.

DAVE HOWERY
Americans do not have names, Doctor.
My designation is #2191.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… okay. But, surely you had
a real name before all this?

DAVE HOWERY
It is… DAVE, sir. But I am not
allowed to use that anymore, as you know.

DOCTOR WHAT
Very well. And what is it you do here?

DAVE HOWERY
At the moment, I am the chief researcher
on the ultra-dense metals development.
I was taken out of the battle mech laboratory,
where I worked for several years
developing new models.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ultra-dense metals?

DAVE HOWERY
Yes, Doctor. The authorities are looking to create an indestructible metal…
they call it adamantium, although we actually haven’t made any yet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Adamantium? Like Wolverine?

DAVE HOWERY looks up at DOCTOR WHAT questioningly before lowering his gaze again.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind. So, have you ever done any work on
large engines, like in rockets or spacecraft?

DAVE HOWERY
Yes, Doctor, for several years after I was captured.
I worked on the engines for the COMMISSAR class
vessel that is finishing up development now.

DOCTOR WHAT
I see. Very well, that will be all. Oh, and don’t mention
to anyone that you saw me here, understand? This is all
very secret, very classified.

DAVE HOWERY
As you wish, Doctor.

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF leave the room. After the door shuts, DAVE HOWERY and HERMANUBIS both stand and look at each other apprehensively.

HERMANUBIS
Oh God, what do you suppose he is doing here?

DAVE HOWERY
I don’t know, but it certainly isn’t anything good.
I really don’t like that he seems to have an interest
in my work. I like it best when the authorities barely know I exist.

HERMANUBIS opens his mouth to speak, but a loudspeaker suddenly is heard.

LOUDSPEAKER
All workers assemble in the staging area in 15 minutes.

INT- COUMPOUND E- CORRIDOR- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are seen quickly walking away from the laboratory.

GREY WOLF
So, you think we might get him to sign on with us?

DOCTOR WHAT
Maybe. It’ll be hard convincing him we’re what we say we are though…
he’ll be suspicious as hell. Let’s find a library. I want to do some
research on my counterpart here.

EXT- SSM INDUSTRIAL CENTER- STAGING AREA- DAY

The camera pans across a wide shot of several dozen American workers, all of whom are kneeling and facing towards a limousine that has just pulled up in front of them. Several Canadian soldiers are standing guard, weapons in hand. VALAMYR and REDEM are seen moving towards the car.

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, kneeling in the front row. His gaze drifts off to the left, and he smiles. The camera pans that way, and shows a slim woman in her mid thirties, (KATIE) with long black hair, blue eyes, and a cute pixyish face. She looks back at DAVE HOWERY with a brief smile, before lowering her gaze again.

The camera switches back to the limousine. REDEM opens the door and a man in a Canadian officer’s uniform steps out of it. He has a round face with narrow eyes and a mouth stuck permanently into a disapproving scowl. He looks around the compound with disdain for a moment, and then looks at the kneeling Americans.

COMMANDANT HARPER
I am COMMANDANT HARPER. I am taking
over command of this facility. My job here is to
get this place running at peak efficiency. There
have been far too many irregularities in research
and materials lost, and too many discipline infractions.
That will all change as of right now. You will work,
you will follow all occupation rules, and you will
achieve all asked for results. Or, you will be executed.
It is that simple.

Flanked by VALAMYR and REDEM, COMMANDANT HARPER walks along the row of kneeling Americans, sneering down at them. He stops when he gets to KATIE.

COMMANDANT HARPER
And just who are you, pretty one?

KATIE looks up briefly at him, fear on her face.

KATIE
I am #4598, lord, and I am assigned
to the nuclear physics lab as a researcher.

COMMANDANT HARPER reaches down and cups her chin in his hand, raising her face to meet his gaze.

COMMANDANT HARPER
Such an arduous task for such a pretty woman.
Wouldn’t you like to be moved somewhere else?

KATIE swallows hard, terror in her eyes.

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY’S face. Although he is still facing down, a look of fury can be seen on his face. He tenses and looks as if he’s going to stand up, but a hand from off camera suddenly grips his wrist. The camera pans right to show HERMANUBIS. DAVE HOWERY takes a deep silent breath, and stays in kneeling position.

The camera switches back to COMMANDANT HARPER, who stands up, still leering down at KATIE… but he walks on down the line away from her. He, VALAMYR, and REDEM are seen walking out of the staging area and into a building nearby. A whistle is heard sounding throughout the compound, and the Americans all stand and walk away.

INT- SSM INDUSTRIAL CENTER- COMMANDANT’S OFFICE- DAY

COMMANDANT HARPER is seen settling into the chair behind his desk. The camera pulls back to show VALAMYR and REDEM standing at attention in front of it. COMMANDANT HARPER sighs and looks out the window behind him.

COMMANDANT HARPER
America. This is my reward for doing such a splendid job in Montreal.
They send me to this blighted land full of reactionary scum. To watch
over a bunch of surly scientists and engineers doing research quote
‘valuable to the revolution.’

He sighs again and turns back around. His surly face suddenly lights up into a smile.

COMMANDANT HARPER
Of course, there are some compensations.
Like that girl, #4598. I think I’ll requisition her.
See to it that she’s in my quarters tonight.

VALAMYR and REDEM look at each other.

VALAMYR
Uh, sir, I don’t know what you’ve heard
about occupation duty, but you can’t do that.

COMMANDANT HARPER looks outraged.

COMMANDANT HARPER
Says who?! What’s the point of having conquered
this scum if you can’t take their women?!

REDEM
It’s a standing order from the Premiere, sir.
Did you hear what caused the rioting at the
research center in Detroit?

COMMANDANT HARPER
Undetected imperialist agents of the capitalists
who stayed hidden among the proletariat and
led them astray with false promises of
self determination.

REDEM
Yes, sir, that’s what they said in the papers, but I was there.
The truth was that the local officers decided they would play
hide the salami with any American woman they fancied.
When the men found they couldn’t keep their wives and
daughters safe, they had little to lose by rebelling. The rebels
all cut the throats of their women and went down fighting.
It cost us 220 soldiers to learn that lesson. Now, the Premiere
has ordered that the Americans’ families are not to be trifled
with in that way. They need to have stable families if they are
going to do any useful work. Besides, sir, there are plenty of
American women who are more than willing to do what you
want for the right price. And the one you have your eye on
is married and off limits.

COMMANDANT HARPER looks disgruntled, but waves the two officers out. They salute and leave the room. COMMANDANT HARPER turns back around and looks out the window again.

COMMANDANT HARPER
We’ll just see about that.

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE LIBRARY- DAY

The camera opens on a scene of a wide and tall building lined with shelves of hundreds of books. Yet most of the people inside are grouping around the tall glass obelisks that are scattered through the center walkway of the room. As the camera closes in, it is seen that the obelisks have holographic faces on them that are talking to the people nearby. The camera pans around the room and stops on DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF, who are just walking into the room. The other people all blanch and move away when they see DOCTOR WHAT. The two make their way towards the back of the library, at an obelisk that no one is using at the moment.

GREY WOLF
How do you suppose this thing works?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… let’s try this button… here.

He pushes one of the many buttons on the panel in front of him. The loudspeakers overhead suddenly sound out with the lyrics of “Baby Got Back” at maximum volume. DOCTOR WHAT starts frantically pushing buttons, and we hear snippets of “I Touch Myself”, “Kiss You All Over”, “Highway to Hell”, and “Eat the Rich” before the music shuts off. GREY WOLF looks around, and sees everyone else in the library looking their way with disgust and revulsion. He groans and takes a step away from DOCTOR WHAT, who pushes one last button. A holographic face of a man with a pleasant smile swims into view on the obelisk.

LEO CAESIUS
Welcome to the Sault Ste. Marie Public Library.
My name is LEO, and my specialty is
Middle Eastern Languages, but I can answer
questions about anything in our files.

GREY WOLF
Now, this is weird.
Neat, but weird.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… hi, LEO. I want a short history of the USA,
and what led it to be occupied.

LEO CAESIUS
Very well. Please note that this essay has been approved
by the Committee for the Preservation of the History of
the Glorious People’s Revolution.
(pause)
The 20th century saw the culmination of the eternal struggle between
capitalism and the proletariat. The first half of the century was a grim
one for the progressive forces of glorious Marxism, as it seemed that
the military/industrial complex of the imperialists would win both the
military and economic wars being waged across the world. In the 1970’s,
it seemed that the capitalists would triumph; never had the proletariat
been so close to defeat. But then, our glorious Premiere came to power
in the Soviet Union. This man alone reversed the tide of defeat. He
developed outstanding economic policies as well as unmatched military
strategies and weapons of war. The capitalists quickly lost ground. First
Asia, then Africa, then Europe, and then South America were brought into
the light of Marxism/Leninism. The capitalists, defeated everywhere, fell
back on their stronghold in North America, the United States. When
Mexico was finally brought into the revolution, the imperialists sent millions
of their thuggish soldiers south, attempting to cling to this outpost of their
evil empire. And then our Premiere brought off his most stunning and
brilliant strategy. Canada, so long a tool of the oppressors, threw off the
shackles of capitalism and joined the People’s Revolution! In answer to
their pleas, the forces of Marxism worldwide responded heroically and
millions of volunteers went into Canada to aid them in the final struggle
against the imperialists. Caught off guard with most of it’s armies in the
south, the Americans were helpless against the liberators moving in from
the north. Sadly, much of the population was deeply deluded by the lies
of their overlords, and fought fanatically against those who sought only to
free them. As a result, the USA has been temporarily occupied by several
nations until the people can be deprogrammed out of their imperialist mindset.
Canada, Russia, and Germany are foremost among these nations who have
shouldered the burden of bringing America into the light of the Revolution.
End file.

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at each other skeptically.

GREY WOLF
What a load of propaganda bullshit!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah. And did you notice that everything here seemed
to revolve around this mysterious Premiere?

GREY WOLF
Yes… so, do you think we are dealing with some incredibly
gifted genius like Genghis Khan, or is it… something else?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m guessing ‘something else.’ Sounds to me
like we have a time traveler. Or maybe somebody
like us, someone who goes around the multi-verse.
(to LEO)
Thanks. Now, I want to know what you have on file
about the Canadian officer Bruno What.

LEO CAESIUS
That information is classified.
Please stand by for retina scan.

DOCTOR WHAT looks startled as a beam of red light shines out of the obelisk and scans across his eyes.

LEO CAESIUS
Identity confirmed. Bruno What, level 7 researcher,
Canadian Armed Forces. Access granted.
(pause)
Dr. Bruno What is one of the least known but most controversial members
of the Canadian research teams. He is currently based in Ottawa, at the head
of Research Laboratory #8. Little is known of his current projects, but he has
requisitioned large numbers of Americans for test subjects. His specialties
are known to be in genetics and bio-engineering. He has an undeserved
reputation among the Americans for taking test subjects into his labs who
never come out again, but this is propaganda spread by dissident elements
in the occupied sector. Like all Canadian researchers, his efforts are all directed
to further the cause of Marxism/Leninism and benefit all people everywhere.
End file.

DOCTOR WHAT
Very well. Now, what information do
you have on the American prisoner #2191?

LEO CAESIUS
Processing.
(pause)
Prisoner #2191 is currently incarcerated in the industrial complex
in Sault Ste. Marie in the Canadian Occupied Sector. He is known
to be an expert in mechanical engineering, metallurgy, and robotics.
Before the final liberation of the United States, he was known as
DAVE HOWERY. He was given permission to marry Prisoner #4598,
formerly KATIE SUMMERS, a nuclear research specialist also in
Compound E, and the two reside together in the prisoners’ housing
on the base. End file.

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at each other in surprise.

GREY WOLF
Married. That complicates things.

DOCTOR WHAT
True. But, his wife is a nuclear physicist. We could
certainly use her skills on the ship too.

The two walk towards the library entrance. GREY WOLF looks as if he is considering something, and speaks hesitantly.

GREY WOLF
Doc… this timeline… sucks. It’s always
nice to see the US get its comeuppance…
but this?! Slavery, occupation, your
counterpart being one step removed from
Mengele, and Canada being such a brutal bunch.

DOCTOR WHAT
True, but there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.
Hell, if we can get just these two off this world, that’ll.
earn us some karma points. Now, let’s get back up to
the ship. I have a plan… and I need something
from the Med Bay first.
(pause)
You know, we need to keep an eye out for something like
that LEO program. A central AI like that could be just what we need.

GREY WOLF
Yeah, I suppose. I don’t really want this one…
we don’t need a computer that is expert on
Middle Eastern languages. But something
like that would be great.

DOCTOR WHAT
True. Now… let me set the
coordinates for returning to the ship…

GREY WOLF
(groans)
Not the teleporter again…

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t be such a wuss…

END ACT I


ACT II


INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- INDUSTRIAL CENTER- PRISONER HOUSING- NIGHT

The camera pans across a dark and dingy room in a building made of concrete blocks. The door opens, and DAVE HOWERY and KATIE are seen entering the room. Behind them, a Canadian soldier is seen just outside; he pulls the heavy metal door shut, and it is heard being locked from the outside. DAVE HOWERY turns on the lights, and then rubs his hands together.

DAVE HOWERY
Why is it so cold in here?

KATIE
They cut our heating allowance again.

DAVE HOWERY
(angrily)
Damn it! This base produces more nuclear power
in a day than we would use in a week. Why the hell
can’t they spare some to keep us warm?!

KATIE
It’s just one more way of keeping us in line.
Maybe they think if we’re busy trying to
stay warm, we won’t be causing any trouble.
(pause)
So… did you get it?

DAVE HOWERY smiles and takes a small plastic envelope out of his pocket. Inside it is a large screw cap that is made of adamantium.

DAVE HOWERY
Yep. The final piece. How about you?

KATIE reaches into her shirt and takes out a metal tube. She hands it to DAVE HOWERY, who unscrews the cap and shakes out a glass rod that is glowing weirdly green.

DAVE HOWERY
Yes! Now, it will be complete.

He kneels down and pulls aside a battered throw rug off the floor, and then hooks his fingers into a floor board and lifts it up, revealing a cavity in the floor below. He reaches into it and pulls out the adamantium chainsaw. There is an empty tube in the handle of it. DAVE HOWERY inserts the glass rod into it, and then takes the large screw cap and puts into the handle. He pushes a button on the handle, and a green LED light brightens.

DAVE HOWERY
It works…

KATIE kneels beside him, and runs a finger along the blade of the chainsaw.

KATIE
Is it really indestructible?

DAVE HOWERY
Well… a nuclear blast would probably melt it,
but anything short of that… yep. You could
drop it out of an airplane onto a rock, run over
it with a tank, or shoot it with an elephant gun,
and it will come out without a scratch.

KATIE
And you’ve been making this metal right under
the damn Canadians’ noses all these years. Good
thing they never look at our hands too closely.

She wiggles her left hand in front of his face with a smile. On her finger, her wedding band can clearly be seen as another item made of adamantium. DAVE HOWERY raises his own hand, where a similar ring can be seen.

KATIE
Why a chainsaw?
Why not a gun or something?

DAVE HOWERY
Well, if we ever have to make a run for it,
this will cut through anything in our way.
Any wall, any lock, any one. An adamantium
gun can’t kill someone any deader than
a regular gun would, and it can run out of
bullets. The chainsaw can get us out of any
entrapment, and with that cold fusion battery
you smuggled out, it’ll run damn near forever.

KATIE
Makes sense. What
about FIFTH COLUMN?

DAVE HOWERY reaches back into the hole in the floor and pulls out a PDA device. He punches in a code and reads the screen.

DAVE HOWERY
Yes, it’s still in place. It just
might get us out of here someday.

KATIE
(bleak look)
Yes, we might be able to get out of here.
But where would we go? The whole
world belongs to the commies.

DAVE HOWERY
(sighs)
I don’t know, love. But I’m holding out hope that
someday, somewhere, there will be a place to run to.
I can’t really bear the thought of living like this forever.

The last scene shows the two still on their knees, hugging each other, with looks of utter despair on their faces.

INT- OTTAWA- RESEARCH LAB #8- CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT-\

The camera pans across a room filled with blank monitors and computer stations. It stops on a man seated in a chair and looking through notes on a clipboard. This is ATL DOCTOR WHAT, who looks much like the AH.COM version, except for a military haircut and a fanatic gleam in his eyes. He stretches and stands up, yawning. A low humming sound off camera draws his attention. He turns and his eyes go wide in surprise.

The camera switches to his POV, and DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are seen just materializing into view. DOCTOR WHAT holds a tranquilizer gun, and GREY WOLF has a pistol pointed at ATL DOCTOR WHAT. The two Doctors stare at each other for a moment.

ATL DOCTOR WHAT
What in the hell….

DOCTOR WHAT
What did he do to our hair?!

ATL DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head and starts to move towards a big red alarm button, but GREY WOLF cocks his pistol and points it at him; he backs away, hands raised.

ATL DOCTOR WHAT
Whatever you’re planning, it won’t work. My government never
deals with terrorists… never. I suppose that you are an American
that has had surgery to look like me, and you are planning to use
my position to carry out some act of subversion. Well, you don’t
know my access codes, so it won’t work.

DOCTOR WHAT looks offended.

DOCTOR WHAT
American?! I’m a bona fide Canadian , you hoser. Now…
just what have you been up to here, eh?

DOCTOR WHAT looks over the computer stations, and pushes several buttons. The monitors around the room light up. DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at them in shock. Each shows scenes of several beautiful women, all kissing and pawing at each other frantically.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wow! I don’t know what research is
involved here, but I highly approve!

He turns as ATL DOCTOR WHAT laughs fanatically.

ATL DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, you now see the beauty and glory of my master plan!
Everyone knows that lesbian porn is the most interesting of all porn…

GREY WOLF
Not really…

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course it is!

ATL DOCTOR WHAT
… and my research is developing ways to turn everyone
everywhere into beautiful lesbians! Soon, everyone will
be a beautiful lesbian and I can watch all of them all the time!

DOCTOR WHAT
I find your ideas intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your news….
Wait. Everyone everywhere? What about the men?

ATL DOCTOR WHAT
Yes! Even they will succumb to my plans and
become beautiful lesbian women!

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at each other with revulsion.

GREY WOLF
Well, that has a really high ‘ick!’ factor. Geez, how does someone
so insane get funding to do something like this?

GREY WOLF looks around and sees DOCTOR WHAT staring mesmerized at one of the monitors.

GREY WOLF
DOC!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head, and looks around.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? Oh, right. The plan. Well, let’s get a move on.

He aims the tranquilizer gun at ATL DOCTOR WHAT and pulls the trigger. A dart strikes him in the neck, and he collapses instantly. GREY WOLF moves cautiously over to him, and feels for a pulse.

GREY WOLF
Well, he’s okay. Now, just have to get him back to the ship….

He looks around and sees DOCTOR WHAT again staring transfixed at one of the monitors. GREY WOLF sighs, walks over to a computer station, and pushes a button. The monitors all shut off. DOCTOR WHAT looks around at him blankly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where girls go?

GREY WOLF
Doc! Snap out of it! We got things
to do, people to see, and places to go.

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right, right. Let’s go. Well, just one more look…

He reaches for one of the computer keys. GREY WOLF groans, takes the teleporter remote control out of his pocket, and pushes the button. The three men shimmer out of view, and DOCTOR WHAT’S tearful cry of ‘NOOOOO!” is heard faintly.

INT- SSM INDUSTRIAL CENTER- PRISONERS HOUSING- MORNING

The camera opens on a scene of DAVE HOWERY and KATIE bustling around, finishing up breakfast, and generally getting ready to go.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, the guards will be here in an hour, so let’s …

The lock on the outside door is suddenly heard unlatching. DAVE HOWERY and KATIE look at each other in surprise. The door opens, and FORTYSEVEN and two Canadian soldiers enter the room. The two Americans look shocked for a moment, and then both kneel and lower their gazes to the floor.

FORTYSEVEN
You. #4598. COMMANDANT HARPER wants
you at work an hour early today. #2191, your guards
will be by to get you at the normal time.

FORTYSEVEN takes hold of KATIE’S arm and drags her to her feet, fear all over her face. DAVE HOWERY jumps to his feet in rage, but one of the Canadian soldiers brutally slams the butt of his assault rifle into his stomach, and then onto the back of his head. DAVE HOWERY falls to the ground, stunned and moving weakly. The three Canadians haul KATIE, trembling in fear, out of the door, which is shut and locked again.

The camera pans back to DAVE HOWERY; he groans, and gets onto his knees, obviously in pain. He shakes his head, and staggers to his feet. He walks shakily over to the door and tries the handle, but it won’t budge. He backs up and looks around in shock. He howls wordlessly in rage and grief. Moving over to the battered floor carpet, he kicks it aside, pulls out the floor board, and reaches into the hiding place to pull out the adamantium chainsaw and his PDA. He puts the latter into his shirt pocket. DAVE HOWERY moves towards the door, but then looks around in puzzlement. A low humming sound is heard behind him. He turns, and drops the chainsaw in surprise.
The camera switches to his POV. DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are seen grinning at him, with ATL DOCTOR WHAT tied and gagged between them. DAVE HOWERY starts to kneel, and then looks again at DOCTOR WHAT and ATL DOCTOR WHAT, obviously noticing their near identical appearances. He looks puzzled, and then looks down at the chainsaw on the floor, and looks up again, his face pale. He sinks to his knees and lowers his gaze to the floor.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, DAVE, stand up. If this works out,
you’ll never kneel to anyone again.

DAVE HOWERY looks up in curiosity, but stands up. He looks again at the two Doctors.

DAVE HOWERY
How… what… just what the hell is going on here?!

DOCTOR WHAT starts to speak, but then hesitates and smiles crookedly.

DOCTOR WHAT
You know, I’d planned for a moment like this for a long time,
and now that I’m here, I really don’t know what to say. Well,
I’m just going to tell you the truth, straight out.
(pause)
I am DOCTOR WHAT, but not the one that you know. I am not from
this world, or even this universe. We come from another timeline,
a universe parallel to this one, but with a completely different
history. We came here in a ship that I helped design, a ship capable
of creating wormholes between the timelines and moving from one
to the other. This man is the DOCTOR WHAT from your timeline, the
one that you know. I brought him here so that we could prove what
we say is true. Do you have access to a molecular resonance scanner?

DAVE HOWERY is staring at the intruders wide eyed. He shakes his head, and looks at DOCTOR WHAT.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh… yes. I have one here, in fact. What… oh, wait. You’re talking
about the quantum signature theory, aren’t you? The one that says that
every universe has its own molecular frequency, and something from
somewhere else will have a different frequency.
Well, I can tell soon enough.

He walks over to a battered desk and picks up a complex-looking scanning device. He punches a code into it and then waves it over ATL DOCTOR WHAT. He looks at the screen, and nods.

DAVE HOWERY
Just what it should be.

He waves the device over DOCTOR WHAT, glances at the screen, and looks up in surprise. He waves the scanner over GREY WOLF, looks at the screen again, and looks up with raised eyebrows.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, it appears you are what you say. So… why are you
here talking to me? I’m just a prisoner of no importance or
influence. Don’t you want to see the Premiere, or one of his ministers?

GREY WOLF
What, talk to that bloody handed bunch of wankers?
They’d as soon kill us as talk to us.

DAVE HOWERY’S eyes narrow, noticing the British accent.

DAVE HOWERY
A Brit? And a Canadian? Traveling the timelines together?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
Why not? On our home world, Brits and Canadians,
and hell, even Americans, are all united with the rest
of the world… no animosity between them at all.

DAVE HOWERY looks skeptical.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, here, the Canadians are known mostly for treachery and
backstabbing. And the Brits, well once NATO collapsed, they
couldn’t wait to surrender and give the royal family over to the
Kremlin’s torturers. But… again, what do you want with me?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… think of this as a recruiting drive. We desperately need
skilled crew members on our ship. You and your wife certainly
qualify, and I’m offering you both a way out of this world.
Unless you’d rather stay here…

For the first time, DAVE HOWERY’S face lights up with hope.

DAVE HOWERY
Freedom. A place we can run to.

He suddenly looks anguished.

DAVE HOWERY
KATIE! The bastards took her! We need to
help her before we can go anywhere.

GREY WOLF
Damn it, that complicates matters.
Where do you think they will take her?

DAVE HOWERY
Well, the commandant’s office is in the
nuclear fission power plant building…

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn! The shielding and radiation there will make it
impossible to teleport into it. We’re going to have to
walk in and rescue her. Hmm… first,
gotta get out of this building.

DAVE HOWERY
I can do that. But…
(pause)
How do I know this isn’t a trick of some kind to
test my loyalty? I really want to believe you but…

DOCTOR WHAT
If you want 100% absolute proof, I can’t give it to you.
You’re going to have to trust me.
Are you willing to take a chance?

DAVE HOWERY thinks deeply for a moment.

DAVE HOWERY
For a chance to get out of here? Hell yes. Now… let’s go….
Wait… first, I need to give you something.

He walks over to his desk, opens a drawer, and takes out two tiny computer chips attached to small batteries. He hands one each to DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF, who look at him in curiosity.

DOCTOR WHAT
And just what are these?

DAVE HOWERY
They’ll keep you safe, if my plan
works. You’ll have to trust me.

DAVE HOWERY picks up his chainsaw and fires it up. Walking over to the door, he hesitates, and then stabs the whirring blade against the lock. The chainsaw slices through the case steel like it was butter. The deadbolt can be heard splitting in two. DAVE HOWERY pulls the saw back, and looks at it wide eyed.

DAVE HOWERY
Wow… it works!

He turns to see DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF looking at him in surprise.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering)
Holy mother of God…..

GREY WOLF
Well, that did the trick. Now…
what do we do with this guy?

DOCTOR WHAT turns to see GREY WOLF pointing to ATL DOCTOR WHAT. DOCTOR WHAT turns to DAVE HOWERY with a grin.

DOCTOR WHAT
Got a closet?

INT- NUCLEAR POWER PLANT- CONFERENCE ROOM- DAY

The camera shows a room that is furnished only with a long table, many chairs, and a wide cot. The door opens, and KATIE, escorted by FORTYSEVEN, enters. The Canadian walks her over to a chair and shoves her onto it.

FORTYSEVEN
The Commandant wants to talk to you. Wait here.

FORTYSEVEN leaves the room, and locks the door behind him. KATIE looks around the room, ashen faced with fear. She goes over to the window and tries to open it, but it is sealed shut. She looks around in despair. The door is unlocked and COMMANDANT HARPER walks in. KATIE kneels and lowers her gaze, but is trembling. COMMANDANT HARPER walks over to her and looks down at her with a blank expression.

COMMANDANT HARPER
#4598. Who gave you permission to marry?
And why do you have no children?

KATIE
It was Commandant Chretien. And neither of
us can have children… both of us were irradiated
and sterilized after we were captured.

COMMANDANT HARPER
Pity. It’s a shame that such talents as you possess
will not be passed on to a future generation.

He walks over to a chair and sits down.

COMMANDANT HARPER
I’ve been reviewing the Occupation marriage laws. As Commandant,
I have the power to dissolve them under certain circumstances. One of
those is if there are no children produced. I could end your marriage to
#2191 right now. And… as the Commandant’s ‘house guest’, you would
live in much more tolerable conditions and have a lighter work load.
You have this one chance to go willingly.

KATIE
(furiously)
Never!

COMMANDANT HARPER
Fine. We do this the hard way then.

He stands and moves towards her. She tries to move away, and trips over the chair, falling down. She crawls away from him desperately, terror in her eyes. Just as COMMANDANT HARPER strides next to her and reaches for her hair, FORTYSEVEN bursts into the room. COMMANDANT HARPER turns angrily towards him, but FORTYSEVEN speaks first.

FORTYSEVEN
Sir! We have a situation outside! An armed intruder is
trying to take away one of the prisoners!

COMMANDANT HARPER looks at him grimly, then nods. Both Canadians leave the room; the door is shut and locked.

EXT- SSM INDUSTRIAL CENTER- DAY

The camera shows DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, and DAVE HOWERY huddled tight against a brick wall, near a corner of a building. Shots are being fired at them, and bullets ricochet off the bricks. GREY WOLF is in the lead, pistol in hand, and peeking around the corner occasionally. DOCTOR WHAT is doing his best to blend into the wall. DAVE HOWERY has his PDA device in hand and looks strangely happy.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why are you so cheery? Have a secret
urge to be shot full of holes, do you?

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, this is the most fun I’ve had in years.
And don’t worry, we’ll be fine just as soon
as they get reinforcements.

GREY WOLF peeks around the corner again, and the camera switches to his POV. A squad of Canadian soldiers, led by VALAMYR and REDEM, are in the street, shooting assault rifles at the three.

GREY WOLF
When they get reinforcements?! They got
us outgunned about 20 to 1 already!

The shooting suddenly stops, and a series of loud thuds is heard. All three peek around the corner. The soldiers are seen moving hastily aside as a gigantic walking battle mech comes into view. It is roughly humanoid shaped, but each arm is actually a Gatling cannon. It stops and points both arms at the corner the three are hiding behind.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it! We’re screwed!

DAVE HOWERY
Ha! Damn Canucks, never will dare to attack without every advantage
they can scrape up. Well… now it’s going to cost them.

He looks at his PDA and makes one last adjustment. With a malicious grin, he pushes a button.

The camera switches back to the soldiers. The battle mech lurches forward. One massive foot stomps down on VALAMYR, turning him into red goo on the concrete. The Gatlings open fire, shredding the panicking soldiers. REDEM tries to run around a corner, but the mech tracks him and blows him to bits. The mech walks on, and rounds the corner where the three are hiding. It looks down at them a moment, and then moves on, going out of sight around another corner.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy….. how in the hell did you do that?!

DAVE HOWERY
FIFTH COLUMN. I came up with it back when I was making
battle mechs for the Canadians. It’s a computer program I hid
deep in the software of every mech I designed. At my signal,
FIFTH COLUMN overrode all other programming and ordered
them to attack. This is happening all over Occupied America.
(happily)
Yeah, payback’s a bitch!

GREY WOLF
Why didn’t it kill us?

DAVE HOWERY
It won’t kill Americans. All of us have transmitters imbedded
under our skins that track our movements. The mechs won’t
hurt anyone who has them.

DOCTOR WHAT
But GREY WOLF and I don’t have them…
oh wait. Those computer chips you gave us
must be similar transmitters. Neat plan.

GREY WOLF
Well, with that mech keeping them busy,
we should be able to get to the power plant now.
Let’s get going, before they remember us.

The three look around cautiously and then run across the street, heading towards a large building with smokestacks belching out white steam.

INT- POWER PLANT- CORRIDOR- DAY

The camera shows the corridor just inside the main entrance door into the plant. DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, and DAVE HOWERY are seen opening the door and moving quickly inside. DAVE HOWERY points down to the left, and the three move that way. The camera shifts views when they get to the corner. A Canadian soldier comes around the corner at the same time, and all four stop and look at each other in surprise for a moment. The soldier starts to raise his assault rifle, and DAVE HOWERY thumbs the button to turn on the chainsaw. He desperately slashes out with it, and it cuts the rifle in two, and the soldier as well. Parts of both fall together in a messy heap. DAVE HOWERY looks down in shock.

DAVE HOWERY
Good God… I didn’t mean to do that.

A nasty grin goes across his face, and he moves forward down the corridor. The camera switches to DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF, who both look rather green in the face.

GREY WOLF
(whispering)
Christ, Doc, this guy isn’t all there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Maybe, but I don’t really feel like going through all
the hassle of trying to find another guy. Do you?
(Grey shakes his head)
Let’s keep moving.

INT- POWER PLANT- COMMAND CENTER- DAY

The camera shows a room full of computer consoles, monitors, and printers. Security monitors cover the walls. Several Canadian security troops are in here. The door opens, and COMMANDANT HARPER walks in, looking extremely annoyed.

COMMANDANT HARPER
Just what is the problem here?

SECURITY TROOPER
Sir! A squad outside saw two men trying to break Prisoner #2191
out of the compound. One was armed. The squad had them cornered
and called on the battle mech for reinforcements… but it turned on us!
It’s rampaging through the compound, attacking our troops. We’ve
called for air support to take it out, but they’re at least 20 minutes away.

COMMANDANT HARPER
#2191… and the mech turned on us?!
Damn it, he caused this somehow! Wait…

COMMANDANT HARPER turns and looks at one of the monitors. On it, KATIE can be seen still trapped in the conference room, looking about anxiously. COMMANDANT HARPER pushes a computer button, and the scene switches to the corridor outside the conference room. DAVE HOWERY, GREY WOLF, and DOCTOR WHAT enter the scene, and pause by the door. COMMANDANT HARPER stares in surprise, and then looks angry. He turns to the security troops.

COMMANDANT HARPER
We have intruders on the base! Move
out now, and cover all the exits.

He draws his pistol and runs out the door, followed by the security troops.

INT- POWER PLANT- CONFERENCE ROOM- DAY

KATIE is seen looking around in terror; the sounds of the soldiers battling the rogue mech outside can be heard through the walls. A roaring sound out in the hallway draws her attention, and the camera pans over to the door. The blade of the adamantium chainsaw is seen punching through the metal door, and then it makes a neat circle around the lock. It falls to the floor. The door is pushed open, and DAVE HOWERY moves into the room. The two Americans run to each other and embrace, the woman in tears. DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF walk into the room. KATIE takes a look at DOCTOR WHAT, turns pale, and starts to kneel, but DAVE HOWERY pulls her back onto her feet.

DAVE HOWERY
No more of that, love. We’re getting out of here.

KATIE
You… you activated FIFTH COLUMN,
didn’t you? But where are we going?

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s… hard to explain right now. But we need to get out
of this building so we can activate the teleporter. Let’s go.

KATIE and DAVE HOWERY look at each other in puzzlement, mouthing ‘Teleporter?’ to each other, but both follow DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF out of the room.

EXT- SSM INDUSTRIAL CENTER- DAY

The camera shows the main door leading into the power plant. It opens, and DOCTOR WHAT looks around cautiously. The camera switches to his POV, and we see dozens of soldiers lying in the street, shredded by cannon fire or stomped to death by the battle mech. DOCTOR WHAT motions to the others behind him, and all four step out into the street. DOCTOR WHAT takes out the teleporter remote control, while GREY WOLF is holding out his pistol and looking around warily. DAVE HOWERY and KATIE are holding hands and looking at the other two hopefully.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, it’ll take me just a second here to
prep the teleporter for the four of us…

As he twists a dial on the control, the camera scene switches to a series of slow motion scenes:

COMMANDANT HARPER is seen stepping into the doorway behind the four. He raises his pistol and fires a single shot.

The camera switches to a close up view of DAVE HOWERY and KATIE’S clasped hands. Her hand goes limp, slips out of his grasp, and falls away.

Switch to DAVE HOWERY, turning around, a look of horror and grief on his face.

Switch to his POV; KATIE lies on the ground, staring up blankly, a pool of spreading blood around the back of her head. DAVE HOWERY sinks to his knees beside her.

Switch to COMMANDANT HARPER; he raises his pistol again, but a bullet ricochets off the wall by him. He moves back through the doorway out of sight.

The camera scene moves back to normal speed, and switches to GREY WOLF. He has his pistol raised, and a look of fury on his face.

GREY WOLF
You bloody damn murderer!!

He fires again. DOCTOR WHAT is seen behind him, looking stunned.

The camera switches back to DAVE HOWERY. He looks up at the doorway, and all the sanity has been wiped off his face, replaced by sheer rage. He picks up his chainsaw, fires it up, and charges towards the doorway with a wordless cry of anger.

The camera switches back to COMMANDANT HARPER, who looks around at the yell. A look of panic goes on his face, and he hurriedly fires two shots.

The camera switches back to DAVE HOWERY. One bullet strikes him in the abdomen, and the second in his left shoulder. He seems to ignore both wounds and makes a vicious swipe with the chainsaw. COMMANDANT HARPER turns gray and moans, sinking to his knees; his right arm has been severed. DAVE HOWERY looks down at him for a moment in rage, and then raises the chainsaw high and brings it down on the Canadian.

And splits him in two; the chainsaw goes straight down through his body and sinks into the concrete below him. Each half of the commandant falls away from the saw blade. DAVE HOWERY backs away from the body, teeth still grinding in fury. Off camera, several voices of Canadian soldiers are heard running towards the scene. DAVE HOWERY snarls again and starts moving towards them, but DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF grab his arms and hold him back.

DAVE HOWERY
NO!! Let go of me,
I’ll kill every damn
one of them!!

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it DAVE, you can’t!
You’ve been shot!

DAVE HOWERY suddenly stops struggling, and has a puzzled look.

DAVE HOWERY
Shot? Oh yeah…

His eyes roll back in his head, and he passes out, collapsing onto the ground. DOCTOR WHAT looks at the remote control in his hand.

DOCTOR WHAT
The teleporter is ready; I’m getting
all three of us the hell out of here.

GREY WOLF
Doc, what about… her?
We can’t just leave her here.

DOCTOR WHAT
After we get back on the ship,
we’ll teleport her to the
medical bay morgue.
And then… I don’t know.

He runs his fingers through his hair in frustration.

DOCTOR WHAT
What a damn mess this turned out to be.

He pushes a button on the remote, and all three shimmer out of view. A squad of Canadian soldiers comes into view moments later. They look in shock at KATIE’S body, and moments later they see COMMANDANT HARPER’S remains. One of them reaches hesitantly towards KATIE, but with a hum and a shimmer of lights, her body disappears. The soldier stands back up, looking completely bewildered.

EXT- SPACE- DAY

2 DAYS LATER

A shot of the AH.COM in orbit is seen.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MED BAY- DAY

The camera opens with a shot of DAVE HOWERY lying on a hospital bed. He is breathing normally, but still apparently unconscious. Several IV tubes are attached to his arms, and a bank of monitors is showing his vital signs. His fingers are seen to start twitching, and then he takes a deep breath and stirs in the bed. His eyes slowly open, and he looks around uncomprehendingly for a moment. Then he suddenly sits up, eyes wide. At that moment, the door opens and DOCTOR WHAT walks into the room. He smiles slightly and sits on a stool by the bed.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’d hoped you’d be awake. How are you feeling?

DAVE HOWERY
(hoarse voice)
Where… how long….
(pause)
KATIE?

The smile disappears from DOCTOR WHAT’S face.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re in the medical bay of our ship.
The AH.COM. In orbit over the planet.
You’ve been here two days.
(pause)
There was no chance of saving your wife. But I had her body taken up here.
Yesterday, GREY WOLF and I took her down to a quiet place in the Rocky
Mountains and buried her there. We left a marker and a signal beacon. If you
ever want to come back here, you can visit her grave. It’s in a really isolated
spot, so it’s unlikely that anyone will ever find it.

DAVE HOWERY nods at that, but a bleak look is on his face.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m… sorry. That doesn’t help a bit, I’m sure, but I am.
I can’t help but feel I should have left everything alone
on this timeline. None of this would have happened.

DAVE HOWERY
I jumped into this with eyes open. I took a chance at freedom for both of us.
None of this is your fault. So… what happens to me now?

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s up to you. You have options. First, you can be taken to one
of the advanced timelines that are part of the whole multi-dimensional
society; you can become a citizen fairly easily. You wouldn’t be the
first refugee they’ve taken in. Or, you could go to one of the less advanced
timelines, but one where America had a better fate than yours. You
could blend in, come up with a fake background, and make a place for
yourself there. Finally, you could take up my original offer and become
a member of this crew and stay on this ship. I understand if you don’t
want to do that after all that’s happened, but it is still an option.

DOCTOR WHAT stands up.

DOCTOR WHAT
You need to rest awhile. Take this time and think about what you want to do.

He walks out of the room, leaving DAVE HOWERY staring at the door.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- NIGHT-

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are seen in here, looking at the still nonfunctioning shift engine, rather unhappily. DOCTOR WHAT has a half empty package of hot dogs in his hand.

GREY WOLF
Doc, I keep telling you, it doesn’t matter how many hot dogs you shove
into the pipes of the engine, that isn’t going to help get it started.

DOCTOR WHAT
You got any better ideas?

GREY WOLF
Well… no… okay, try one more.

DOCTOR WHAT takes out a hot dog and prepares to shove it into one of the many pipes on the engine, when the door opens and DAVE HOWERY walks into the room. He is very pale and somewhat weak and badly needs a shave, but is otherwise whole. He touches the places where the bullets hit him.

DAVE HOWERY
Healed… after only two days? How is that possible?

GREY WOLF
Our medical technology is pretty advanced compared to yours. Of course,
your occupiers didn’t seem too concerned about medical research.

DOCTOR WHAT
Neither of us is a real doctor, of course, but we
can handle minor wounds like you had.
(pause)
So… have you come to a decision?

DAVE HOWERY looks around the room for a moment, and then nods.

DAVE HOWERY
Yes. If it’s still an option… I want to stay here on the ship.
I don’t want to be a refugee. I don’t want to be stuck on a
timeline where I don’t know anyone and have no chance
to ever get off of it. And…

He pauses, and the familiar look of slight madness goes across his face.

DAVE HOWERY
It occurs to me that traveling with you will give me the best chance
to get what I want. Somehow, somewhere, on one of the many
timelines out there, I will find the means for revenge on those
who exploited my people.
(dramatic pause, clenched fist)
Canada… will be destroyed!

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at each other.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ooookay. In the meantime though, we’re stuck here. The shift engine
is dead, and we really need to you to get it up and running.

DAVE HOWERY
Can I see the schematics on it?

DOCTOR WHAT walks over to a computer console and pushes some buttons. A monitor over the console lights up and starts displaying a bewildering variety of technical drawings. DAVE HOWERY walks over and looks at it. The camera switches to his face; his back is to the other two, and it is obvious from his expression that he has no idea what he is looking at.

DAVE HOWERY
That’s enough.

He walks over to the shift engine and looks at it a moment. He then goes over to a rack on the wall and picks up a large pipe wrench.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, first of all, would you get all of those damn hot dogs out of the pipes?
Now, what happens when you try and start it?

GREY WOLF pushes a large red button on the wall, and the shift engine is heard to gurgle pitifully for a moment. DAVE HOWERY suddenly raises the wrench and slams it down hard on an intake valve housing. The engine coughs and sputters, hot dogs spit out of several pipes, and then it purrs smoothly, working at peak efficiency. DAVE HOWERY turns around with a grin.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s it?! Just whack it with a wrench?!
Hell, we could have done that on our own.

DAVE HOWERY
Ah, but you have to know just where to whack it with a wrench.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… at least it’s up and running.
Let’s prepare to shift out of this timeline.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT

The camera pans across the room. DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are seen at their stations, preparing for a jump. DAVE HOWERY is staring at the view screen in awe, watching the earth turn far below, and the stars beyond.

DAVE HOWERY
When I was a kid, I always wanted to go into outer space…

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we don’t spend a lot of time out here… the whole appeal
of traveling the timelines is to see how different people and places
came out from what you know and expect.
(pause)
Yes! We have a vortex! Prepare to move the ship.

GREY WOLF
Roger. All systems nominal. Preparing to jump.

DAVE HOWERY
This is it. We’re really going to another timeline, another dimension.
I’m going away from everything I’ve ever known.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes… but… we do have the coordinates for this timeline in the computer.
You could come back here someday, if you really want to.

DAVE HOWERY turns away from the view screen.

DAVE HOWERY
Someday. But only after I’ve found what I’m looking for.
In the meantime, there’s nothing here for me.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. And… you know, we really aren’t big on discipline on
this ship, but DAVE, you really need to shave.

DAVE HOWERY runs a hand along the stubble on his jaw.

DAVE HOWERY
Shave? Yeah, I’ll do that tomorrow.

GREY WOLF
We’re ready… moving the ship forward… now.

The scene on the view screen changes, as the ship moves and the earth is left behind. DAVE HOWERY looks back at it a moment. Unseen by the other two, a flash of anguish goes across his face. Then he turns resolutely away from the screen.

EXT- SPACE- NIGHT

The AH.COM moves into a shining vortex and vanishes from sight.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

PRESENT DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is finishing up the story.

DOCTOR WHAT
And that’s how we got our first crew member. It was touch and go for a while
until we picked up some more, but we managed to get through it all.

The camera switches to PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G BONE, who are looking at him with wide eyes.

G BONE
Wow. I never knew. That explains so much.

DOCTOR WHAT
About why he is so surly and uncommunicative?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, about why is so slobbering insane and tends to cry when he gets drunk.
And why he gets so nuts every time KEIRA gets in danger (which seems to
happen damn near every week)
. Although… hell, guess he has a good reason.
(beat)
And I still can’t get over the fact that there was someone who actually
fell in love with him willingly. I mean, Jesus, It’s Dave Howery!

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, he has a good reason for not being here today too. Today
is exactly seven years since she was killed. No way am I going
to have him here working on sensitive equipment with that on his mind.
(pause)
And that’s enough time away from your job. Back to work…
we have to get all this crap fixed by tomorrow.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G BONE groan, but go back to work. As the screen fades to black, we hear two last comments.

G BONE (over black)
So, what’s with the beard?

DOCTOR WHAT (o.b.)
Ah, that’s another story…

END ACT II


TAG

EXT- SSM INDUSTRIAL CENTER- DAY

SEVEN YEARS AGO

The camera opens on a wide shot of the center. Smoke is pouring from most of the buildings. A Canadian soldier looks up and sees a pair of attack jets flying overhead. The camera pans back down to the ground and shows the battle mech lying smashed on the ground. However, there are dozens of soldiers lying dead on the ground, and mixed in with them are the bodies of many of the American workers. The soldier looks through the fence around the compound at Sault Ste. Marie, and sees a huge explosion rock the town. The sounds of screaming, rifle fire, and jets are heard clearly. The soldier turns to see FORTYSEVEN approaching with several other soldiers.

FORTYSEVEN
So, the commandant is dead? And our battle mechs all over the
Occupied Territory have turned against us somehow?

SOLDIER
Yes sir. And the damned Americans have taken the opportunity
to rise against us. I’ve heard the same thing is happening in the
Russian and German occupied sectors as well. When this is all
done, there won’t be anything left worth salvaging from the Americans.

Another soldier is seen running up to FORTYSEVEN with a satellite phone.

SOLDIER
Sir! It’s… the Premiere himself! He wants to talk to you.

FORTYSEVEN turns pale, but takes the phone.

FORTYSEVEN
Sir! I am Captain FORTYSEVEN… no, sir, the commandant has been killed.
No sir, the compound is in ruins, and the town itself is being leveled as we are
taking down the rebellion. No, sir, I haven’t heard anything about the compound
in Grand Rapids. It went off the air not long after the mechs turned on us. No,
sir, not many are left, we’re using air power to take them down. Sir, I don’t think
there’s going to be much left to salvage from this mess. From what I’m hearing,
every research center has been destroyed, and the Americans are rebelling in every
major city. Yes, we’ll take them down, but we’re destroying the infrastructure in
the process. I’m afraid that… hello? Sir, are you there?

FORTYSEVEN hands the phone back.

FORTYSEVEN
We lost contact. Check the satellite communications.

INT- MOSCOW- PREMIERE’S OFFICE- DAY

The camera focuses on a phone set on a desk. A hand from somebody off camera is seen putting the phone back onto the cradle and then unhooking the phone wire from the jack. The camera pulls back and we see that the desk is in a large plush office that is tastefully decorated in Spartan Russian style. The camera pans to the right, and we see MIKE COLLINS sitting in the chair behind the desk. He looks thoughtful and leans back. As he does, a door opens and MOLOBO walks in with a folder.

MIKE COLLINS
Let me guess… that ship in orbit had something to do with all this?

MOLOBO
Yes. It was definitely a timeline traveler, just like us.

MIKE COLLINS
Well, we’ve done all we can on this timeline. From what I hear,
we won’t be able to pull any more wealth from the Americans.
They went and got themselves killed. So… let’s move on. Set up
the shift device for another jump, and
get all the portable valuables ready to move.

MOLOBO
Yes sir. Oh, by the way, I pulled these
off of the Canadians’ security cams
at Sault Ste. Marie. These three seem
to be the ones who brought everything down.

MOLOBO hands him a set of photographs. MIKE COLLINS looks through them; they clearly show DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, and DAVE HOWERY. His eyes narrow in anger.

MIKE COLLINS
So… these are the bastards who
ruined our sweet setup here.
Well, they’ll pay for it someday.

MOLOBO
Do you know them?

MIKE COLLINS
No. But I never forget a face.
If I ever meet any of these people,
I’ll make sure they live to regret it.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS