TEASER
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT
DOCTOR WHAT stands on the bridge of the starship GATEWAY. He and his crew stare at a holographic viewscreen at the front of the bridge, showing an old man sporting a grey uniform and a white handlebar moustache. ADMIRAL WHITEY delivers an ultimatum with an understated sneer.
ADMIRAL WHITEY
This is Admiral Whitey of the battleship Pride of Atlanta.
Ah represent the Interplanetary Domination of the Confederate States of America.
Y’all may have heard of us as the Domination of Dixie.
(Several crew members snicker. STRAHA mouths “Whitey” in amazement)
Ah am well aware that y’all are a courier ship carrying news of the rebel attack on the Hub.
Ah am well aware that y’all are taking the news to the Hub Administration.
We would quite like to know where that is.
If y’all all would be so kind as to surrender your vessel voluntarily,
ah will personally ensure that y’all will be enslaved in the most courteous manner.
Otherwise, we will have to torture you to death.
You have five minutes to respond.
DOCTOR WHAT makes a cutting motion with his hand, and the viewscreen disappears.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay.
GATEWAY, I think it’s official that this guy constitutes a hostile force.
Your programming should let you take action to defend yourself.
GATEWAY
Engines engaged.
However, our tactical options are limited.
I am detecting more Dixie ships shifting in at longer range.
They have us surrounded. Shifting is useless, the damage you
waterbags have done to my systems makes it too easy to follow us.
Our only option is to try to take cover among the moons of Jupiter.
Then we wait for the reactivation of the Hub network.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Allow me to register my vote for the “run and hide” strategy.
MATT
Hey, GATEWAY.
What kind of weapons does this thing have?
GATEWAY
The ship is heavily armed, but unfortunately the weapons are useless.
MATT
Unlock the controls!
GATEWAY
It’s not the controls that are the problem.
For security reasons, the ship doesn’t have a targeting computer.
Only a Gunnery Daemon can activate and aim the weapons. Problem is,
we don’t seem to have any Daemons on board.
Funny thing, that.
MICHAEL
No problem.
I’ll hack it!
I hacked the shuttle!
DOCTOR WHAT shoots MICHAEL a dirty look.
GATEWAY
There’s nothing to hack, unless you’re going to pull a targeting
computer out of one of your barely distinguishable orifices.
DOCTOR WHAT
PSYCHOMELTDOWN, you’re the only engineer we’ve got.
Can you come up with anything?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well… maybe I could build a targeting computer.
But, uh, we usually stea… borrow our parts.
It would be really complicated to build one from scratch.
(To GATEWAY)
Hey, what kind of manufacturing tools does this ship have?
GATEWAY
I am equipped with a full molecular synthesis and replication facility.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Holy shit!
You can make anything?!
GATEWAY
Anything I have the schematics for.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Do you have the schematics for a Gunnery Daemon?
GATEWAY
No.
I can replicate spare body parts for Daemons.
However, for security reasons, I don’t have copies
of the core AI program that actually runs it.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
SHIT!
GBW
Wait a minute.
What if we replicated parts for a Gunnery Daemon,
and then used an AI of our own to run it?
STRAHA
Yeah, I’m sure you’ve got mad skillz GBW, but you couldn’t
write an AI to save your life. Even if you were going to
be killed, like, some time late next year.
MATT elbows STRAHA to shut him up. He uses excessive force.
GBW
We don’t have to write an AI program.
Psycho already has one, don’t you?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What?
No I don’t.
GBW
I mean the one on that memory card
you always keep stuffed inside your underwear.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t have any…
GREY WOLF
Everybody knows about it.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Looking embarassed)
Fine then.
I’ll go get on it.
DOCTOR WHAT
GBW, have I ever told you you’re a genius?
GBW
Um, no, definitely not.
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY REPLICATOR ROOM – DAY SHIFT
PSYCHOMELTDOWN sits at a terminal displaying the schematics of a robot labelled “Gunnery Daemon”.
He is paging through options and muttering to himself.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey… these parts are modular!
I could put the Gunnery Daemon CPU into any body…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN pages through different robot body options on the terminal.
He stops when he hits one labelled “android”, showing a Terminator-style robotic skeleton.
He clicks an option labelled “appearance selection”.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Now we’re getting somewhere…
FADE TO BLACK
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY REPLICATOR ROOM – DAY SHIFT
PSYCHOMELTDOWN reaches into his pants and roots around for a while. His hand emerges holding a small memory card, which he inserts into a slot in the terminal. He presses a button, and the display reads “AI memory loaded”.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh yes… I’ve waited so long for a CPU powerful enough
to run you, a body to do you justice…
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
DOCTOR WHAT to PSYCHOMELTDOWN.
How’s it going down there?
We’ve hidden behind Jupiter but we’ve got
only twenty minutes until we’re intercepted.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No problem doc, no problem.
I just need another five minutes.
No, another ten minutes.
(Closes comm link)
Here goes nothing…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN activates the android. A slim, red-headed woman turns to him and smiles.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Hi!
Oh my… I can’t believe my new owner
is such an unbearably sexy man.
The android licks her lips. PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s face degenerates into a lecherous grin… and then a grimace, as he groans and his body jerks.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn.
I hate it when that happens.
(Activates his communicator)
PSYCHOMELTDOWN to DOCTOR WHAT.
The Daemon is, uh, ready early.
I’ll bringing it up now.
FADE TO OPENING CREDITS
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“SHOW’S OVER”
Written By : AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM
ACT I
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT
The crew turns to look as PSYCHOMELTDOWN enters the room, followed by the ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID dressed in a very sketchy bodysuit. Everyone groans in unison.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, shove it.
She’s a fully functional gunnery daemon.
Why don’t you take your station at weapons control, hot stuff?
MICHAEL
Dude, you replicated the wrong cyberbabe.
She is so not hot.
GBW
Then why are you still staring at her ass…ets?
MICHAEL
I’m thinking of cyberbabes that could have been!
The android takes a seat at a console near the center of the bridge, and plugs into it using a jack at the back of her neck.
GATEWAY
Weapons are online.
You guys are going to have to help with this one.
Your Daemon’s AI doesn’t seem to have military programming, so while
she can fire the weapons, you’re going to have to pick the targets.
I suggest you figure out how to use the weapons before the enemy catches up.
MATT
I’m on it!
MATT rushes over to one of the crew stations and then pauses to look lovingly over the controls.
MATT
Oh wow.
This thing is armed to the teeth.
And they’re big nasty Tyrannosaur teeth.
There are so many weapons, there’s no way I can control them all myself.
DOCTOR WHAT
GBW, MICHAEL, take those two secondary weapons stations.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN, monitor the engineering and shield status.
STRAHA, monitor the shift engine status.
GREY WOLF, cover sensors.
Since we don’t have a pilot, I’ll
have to take the helm myself.
GATEWAY
That won’t be necessary.
I’m a far more capable pilot than any human.
Just let me know where you want to go.
MICHAEL
(Looking at his weapons controls with a gleam in his eye)
Kick ass.
DOCTOR WHAT
I have a bad feeling about this.
GATEWAY
I’ll take the liberty of switching the bridge to battle mode.
The crew gasps as the floor, and indeed the walls and ceiling, disappear around them. Their crew stations float in the midst of a holographic representation of space, as if they could see through the ship. Glowing lines and symbols indicate the position and status of enemy vessels, asteroids, and moons. Jupiter looms, gargantuan, to one side.
Everyone except MATT ducks reflexively as a large explosion blossoms near the port side of the ship.
MATT
Scratch one asteroid.
Two… three… I think I’m getting the hang of these things.
Okay, Mr. Asteroid Number Four, your turn now.
We’re going to see what this thing does, the, uh…
“Plausibility Cannon”.
(Pushes the fire button)
What?
Nothing happened.
MATT pushes the fire button again and again in frustration, as yellow lights start to blink on the console.
MATT
Hey Psycho, this isn’t working.
Is there something wrong with the power?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Looks fine over here.
Keep firing!
GATEWAY
No, stop firing so fast!
You’ll overload the…
MATT
What do you mean stop firing?
Damn thing isn’t shooting at all!
(Continues hammering the button)
GATEWAY
Stop hitting that button or you’ll overload the…
The lights on MATT’s console go red, and large red letters indicate “Plausibility Cannon Offline”.
GATEWAY
You’ve overloaded the focusing coils and the control circuits.
Now even if I could turn the cannon on, it would have a
range of about two feet!
MATT
It wasn’t doing anything!
GATEWAY
(Groans)
It was working perfectly.
That just happened to be a very likely asteroid.
(Pauses for a response and gets only blank stares, then sighs)
The Plausibility Cannon is a weapon against anything coming from a
ridiculously unlikely timeline. It causes objects to revert back to what
they would have been had history unfolded in a more likely manner.
Since the asteroid was not from an unlikely timeline,
the cannon did nothing to it.
To use the vernacular: you, sir, wear your ass for a hat.
(In an even snappier tone)
Gunnery Daemon, why didn’t you disengage the power to
prevent the coils from overloading?
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
My owner gave the order to continue firing,
and I am programmed to obey his every whim.
DOCTOR WHAT
Now I know why I had a bad feeling about this.
Psycho!
Don’t say *anything* which could possibly be construed
as an order. Otherwise we’ll just have to gag you.
And not in a kinky way.
GREY WOLF
Sir, the first Domination ships are coming around the planet.
Three battleships, one of them looks like some kind of heavy flagship.
They’ll intercept in ten minutes.
DOCTOR WHAT
GATEWAY, continue with the plan.
We get behind Io’s radiation field, then swing
around and hit them from close range.
FADE TO BLACK
EXT. – SPACE
Three giant, gun-studded battleships appear to be motionless against the vast backdrop of space.
Plumes of energy blast from their engines into the void, and flickers of light surround them as small particles impact their shields.
Pan to reveal Io, Jupiter’s broiling volcanic moon. Superheated particles stream from glowing volcanic blooms on its surface, and it is these that pepper the battleships’ shields. It is now apparent that the ships are moving at tremendous speed, as the moon edges noticeably closer. Suddenly a light appears from below the moon’s horizon. Zoom in to reveal the GATEWAY, its sleek black hull reflecting Io’s glow. Beams of energy lance from hidden gun pods, and missiles begin to accelerate away from it on their own pillars of light.
Cut to the Domination flagship. Its shields flash with blinding light as the beams impact, and an explosion rocks the hull. Air vents into space as some of its gun turrets swivel to return fire.
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT
DOCTOR WHAT and PSYCHOMELTDOWN face forward, as the rest of the crew concentrate on their stations. The vast glowing bulk of Io looms beneath them, and in front of them is a zoomed-in view of the Domination ships.
GREY WOLF
Sensors indicate that our first volley had a devastating effect.
We pierced their shields and destroyed part of their forward hull.
Our shields are holding up against return fire so far.
MATT
I LOVE THESE GUNS!
STRAHA
ARMAGEDDON!
GATEWAY
I’ve analyzed their weapons and shields.
They are highly advanced.
I don’t know how their timeline got so far ahead of others like it.
We can still defeat the three ships that we are engaged with now.
However, there are already ten more vessels moving to intercept.
We will simply run out of missiles, then they can bombard us from long range.
DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s start at the top, then…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
GET WHITEY!
DOCTOR WHAT
DAMN IT, that was my line!
Anyway, yeah, go for the flagship.
EXT. – SPACE
A scorched Domination battleship is visible in the distance, firing projectiles and lances of energy toward the camera. A trio of missiles streak in from behind the POV. The antimissile fire hits their shields ineffectively. They zoom toward the ship, and the screen is filled with white glare as they impact. When the light fades, charred lumps of metal hurtle through empty space.
FADE TO BLACK
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT
The GATEWAY’s bridge is a chaos of alarms and red lights. GATEWAY is now surrounded by Dixie warships, most of them keeping their distance and attacking with missiles. The crew’s fingers dance across their consoles as beams of light streak out to hit several ships around them. An explosion rocks one ship, and its engines sputter and die.
MATT
Seven down, six to go!
GREY WOLF
Um, make that fourteen to go.
Eight more ships just jumped in.
There’s a new flagship, sir, “I.D.S. Authorial Fiat”.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Shields down to thirty percent.
Captain, too many of their shots are getting through.
I’m losing parts of the port power grid, and
weapons are down to seventy percent.
STRAHA
Shift engine status is “still broken”.
DOCTOR WHAT
Keep firing, boys.
Concentrate on the nearest ship.
GATEWAY
There is an incoming transmission.
We are being hailed by an…
Admiral Dominarch Lady Sir Honorblower, Empress of India.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll take, um… whassername on the console.
Everyone, keep doing that thing you do.
A woman’s face appears on the console – confident, stern, and beautiful. Other noteworthy features are an eyepatch over one eye and unnaturally large breasts.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Captain What, we have you completely surrounded.
You fought well for a member of the subhuman gutter races.
But then again, a barrel of monkeys could fight well
in a Hub attack ship. It doesn’t matter now, though.
I’ve never been defeated in battle, and
you’re in no condition to break my record.
However, I’ll offer you a last chance.
Surrender now, and you and your crew will be spared.
You can be enslaved in cushy middle management positions.
Resist and we will board your ship and
shoot anything that moves.
And given how many comrades my men have lost,
probably a lot that doesn’t move.
DOCTOR WHAT
Go screw yourself.
And send me the video!
DOCTOR WHAT punches a button and the console goes blank. He surveys the tactical situation – namely, the many large ships looming around the Gateway and pounding it with fire – and sighs. Consoles around the bridge are aglow with blinking red lights. A particularly large volley hits, and the number of red lights doubles.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Shields are down!
They’re picking off our engines and weapons systems!
DOCTOR WHAT
Everyone grab spacesuits and guns…
time to repel boarders.
The plan is to fall back into the main computer
core, then double back in the outer corridors and
get on the outside of the hull.
We’re going to spacewalk over to their
ship while they’re invading this one.
MICHAEL
And?
DOCTOR WHAT
And, uh, grab a shuttle or something.
Figures that this ship has everything but shuttles…
GATEWAY
I wasn’t designed to traipse around the universe
collecting porn, booze, and social diseases.
Now shut up and get your helmets on, we might start losing air.
FADE TO BLACK
INT. – HIGH-TECH FACTORY – NIGHT
LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, TORQUMADA, and OTHNIEL are engaged in a massive firefight against dozens of Black Empire soldiers. They are inside a cavernous, high tech factory of some sort complete with conveyer belt assembly lines, hovering platforms, and powered-down industrial robots. The factory is fairly dimly lit, and the light in many parts is harsh red or blue. The AH.COMers have taken cover on a large open control platform, hiding behind panels of instruments. Nearby are JEFFERSON and three commandos. WAFFLES flies fearlessly through a barrage of enemy fire, seemingly scouting out the positions of everyone in the factory.
The Black Empire soldiers are coming out of doors on the opposite side of the factory, attempting to advance across the relatively open center. Many of them are picked off by fire from the AH.COM side, their chests scorched by energy weapons, but they keep coming and unleashing constant return fire.
IRON YUPPIE
This position is going to get us killed!
We’re not near any exits and they keep getting closer!
OTHNIEL
What about down there on the factory floor?
There are lots of places to hide and
we could go in any direction.
JEFFERSON
No, we need to stay up here!
OTHNIEL, remember what direction your portal detector pointed!
OTHNIEL
Toward the main door behind all those Black Empire soldiers…
LANDSHARK
Yes yes we know all that.
But I for one keep getting tickled by this
little sixth sense I have in the back of my head.
TORQUMADA
Abject cowardice?
LANDSHARK
I like to call it my “will to live”.
It’s saying that the shortest route from
point A to point B doesn’t pass through
dozens of nasty men with big nasty guns.
TORQUMADA
I defer to your expertise in matters of cowardice.
Down it is!
IRON YUPPIE
Let’s head over there to that elevator platform!
We can ride it down, it’s mostly concealed from their fire.
Sharkie, get your ass in gear and lead the way!
A look of horror spreads across LANDSHARK’s face. He grits his teeth, stands up, and starts to run across the twenty meter distance to the elevator platform. The Black Empire forces quickly spot him and begin to fire. Several trails of energy scorch the ground behind him in the best Hollywood style, never quite catching up. Ahead of him, a blistering hail of blasts blocks the way onto the elevator platform. WAFFLES flies up beside him and keeps pace.
Cut to the other AH.COMers who have begun to follow him at a safe distance, mostly ignored by the enemy fire.
Cut back to LANDSHARK who is running forward at full speed with his eyes closed. Miraculously, he runs straight through the enemy fire without being shot, trips over a stray box of tools, and falls face-first onto the elevator platform.
The AH.COM crew runs up behind him, followed by JEFFERSON and the three commandos.
LANDSHARK grabs his weapon, spins around, and fires wildly in the direction of the Black Empire forces with panic in his eyes. Unfortunately, standing between him and the Black Empire are a large wall next to the elevator platform, and OTHNIEL. Othniel is hit over and over by the blasts, sending a flaming haze of energy around his armor.
When the haze clears, he is very slightly scorched.
TORQUMADA
What.
The.
Fuck.
OTHNIEL
Wow… lucky that gun was low on power, I guess.
IRON YUPPIE
No, the power light is fine…
A look of extreme consternation passes over Jefferson’s face.
JEFFERSON
Oh yeah, I uh, forgot to tell you.
Your weapons are tuned to the chronospatial frequency of
the Black Empire. They have devastating effect on anyone
and anything from the Black Empire’s timeline, but they
cause only mild burns to you, or anything from this timeline.
So you can blast the enemy at will without worrying
about hitting your friends or blowing up the scenery.
TORQUMADA
What if we like blowing up the scenery?
OTHNIEL
I think the “not hitting your friends” part is worth the inconvenience!
IRON YUPPIE is staring at a set of buttons on a small console protruding from the elevator platform’s floor. She presses one marked “G”. The elevator lurches, stutters alarmingly, and then begins to move steadily downward.
JEFFERSON
Like I said, this is a bad idea.
Turn this elevator around, or we’ll be
exposed to enemy fire on the way down!
TORQUMADA
Their aim has pretty much sucked so far!
LANDSHARK
I’d be more scared of Imperial Stormtroopers.
IRON YUPPIE
Wait, do you mean regular Stormtroopers,
or the Clone Wars Stormtroopers?
Those guys knew how to shoot.
TORQUMADA
Eh, all they ever fought were robots that couldn’t kill Jamaican frogs.
JEFFERSON
Shut up!
We have a serious situation here!
The AH.COMers stare at JEFFERSON like he just sprouted another head, and not in a cool Zaphod Beeblebrox way. As they stare, the elevator passes below the wall that was shielding it and begins a slow five meter descent to open ground. The hail of Black Empire fire resumes, and one of the commandos collapses with a scorched blast mark on his chest.
They return fire, and the Black Empire troops duck back. The elevator reaches the ground during the lull in fire, and TORQUMADA drags the downed commando behind a robot forklift. He examines the scorch mark, then laborously pries off the commando’s faceplate and puts his hand near the man’s nose.
TORQUMADA
This man’s still alive!
JEFFERSON, are the commandos carrying any medical packs?
JEFFERSON
NO!
That man’s a goner, we’ve got to leave the wounded and move on!
TORQUMADA
But the blast didn’t actually go all the way through his chest plate!
It may look nasty but I think he’s just knocked out.
JEFFERSON
(Looking panicked)
Get away from him, you might get radiation poisoning!
The Black Empire weapons use a chronobabble radiological interaction.
The impact releases deadly chronospatial radiation.
As soon as the time-delayed particles start to materialize
he’ll die, and you might too if you’re close enough!
LANDSHARK
Hurry up with the running!
IRON YUPPIE and OTHNIEL run behind a huge circular smelter that extends far into the air.
IRON YUPPIE
Get over here!
Sharkie, if your ass gets shot off then it’s useless to me!
The fallen commando is blasted by several direct hits from above. JEFFERSON drags TORQUMADA away, and LANDSHARK follows.
The group reconvenes behind the smelter with the two surviving commandos. As always, the commandos remain silent.
JEFFERSON
Don’t be so hesitant!
We’ve got them right where we want them.
LANDSHARK
In command of the high ground?
With superior numbers?
Pointing big guns at us from right in
front of where we we’re supposed to go?
(Pause)
Who is this “we”, white boy?
JEFFERSON
They’re nothing!
Heroes like you have faced far greater dangers before,
striding into impossible odds and emerging victorious!
Besides, negroes can’t… Black Empire
soldiers can’t shoot for shit anyway.
LANDSHARK
I think you’ll find that it’s MATT and WEAPON M
who survive impossible odds by blowing up everything
around them and then dodging the pieces.
I survive impossible odds by calculating the velocity
of hell, and running precisely that fast.
JEFFERSON
You’re putting my whole world in danger!
Look, I’ll send the troops over to the other
side of the room as a diversion.
JEFFERSON gestures, and the two commandos sprint away. Weapons fire trails at their feet, never quite catching up to them.
OTHNIEL
Hey guys, look over here!
There’s a big grate in the ground.
It’s bolted down, but it looks like there’s
some kind of tunnel system down there.
TORQUMADA
Sounds great!
Let’s see if we can get it open.
Up above, Black Empire soldiers are running quickly across catwalks, high above the factory floor. Many of them are in sight of the AH.COM crew, and they open fire. Energy bolts rain down around LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, and JEFFERSON.
JEFFERSON crouches and returns fire. He fires ten shots, and ten enemies fall from above with holes blasted neatly in the center of their chest armor.
JEFFERSON
Do I have to do everything myself? Follow me!
The doors on the factory floor are all sealed
anyway, we can only get out up there.
JEFFERSON runs over to a small elevator platform on the side of the smelter, and waits expectantly.
Pan over to TORQUMADA, driving a giant spiderlike construction robot. He walks it over to the grate on the floor, and uses its powerful metal manipulators to wrench the bolts holding the grate down.
TORQUMADA
I found one of these babies with juice left in its batteries!
As soon as I get this grate open, everybody in!
JEFFERSON
(Moaning to himself)
Oh FUCK!
That tunnel leads off the set…
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY SHIFT
The Gateway’s corridors are in chaos as weapons fire flickers back and forth, scorching walls and filling the air with smoke. Dozens upon dozens of Domination troopers pour through the ship, their tremendous size and intimidating physiques apparent even through the thick fabric of their space armor. They advance expertly, and their ranks part momentarily as the unmoving forms of STRAHA and GREY WOLF are carried back toward their ship. Past panels and pillars and shielded power conduits, the rest of the AH.COM crew try to hold them off.
GBW
I can barely see in all this smoke!
(Fires a few wild shots from a nasty looking gun,
which cause dramatic explosions within the smoke)
But I think I saw some of them crawling towards us on the left.
If we don’t get out of this room now, we’re going to be surrounded.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Rubs ash from the visor of his suit)
MATT, how is he?
MATT
(Bending over the sitting PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
Damn it, Psycho’s leg is hit pretty bad.
I can’t fix it in the field.
He won’t be able to run, that’s
really going to slow us down.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not going to leave him.
But when we move, we’ve got to move fast.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Oh, my dear Psycho.
I can carry you!
(Effortlessly lifts PSYCHOMELTDOWN over her shoulder as he screams in pain)
DOCTOR WHAT
All right then, LET’S GO!
The four remaining AH.COM crew and their trusty android cut and run, firing wildly over their shoulders as they do.
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY OUTER CORRIDOR – DAY SHIFT
The crew runs through a narrow corridor, DOCTOR WHAT in the lead. Most of the crew can be seen huffing and puffing in their spacesuits, except for the ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID who isn’t wearing one.
DOCTOR WHAT
Just a little further, guys!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Bouncing on top of the android’s shoulders, with his head facing backwards)
I caught sight of one of them back there, Captain.
I think the enemy’s behind us now.
MICHAEL
That’s where you want them to be when you’re running away!
Suddenly the crew rounds a bend and comes face to face with a dozen Domination blaster rifles, their wielders filling the corridor ahead. DOCTOR WHAT tries to turn around in mid-run and trips over his own feet. The rest trip over DOCTOR WHAT and end up in a large pile of limbs and guns, except for the Android who steps lightly out of the way. ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER steps up amidst the troops.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
There are fifteen guns pointed at your heads.
If anybody even thinks about touching a trigger,
you’re all going to get it.
MATT
(Tightening his fingers on his gun)
Oh believe me, you’ll get it too.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
I don’t think so.
I’m a master of three forms of martial arts,
including Hollywood-fu, the art of dodging
bullets as if they were poorly aimed Nerf arrows.
DOMINATION SOLDIER
She’s an olympic diver, too.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
(Turns to her men)
Grab them, and take them in for interrogation.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Whispering to the ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID)
Get them.
The android gently sets PSYCHOMELTDOWN down, and then explodes up from her crouch into an incredibly powerful leap. She bounces off the ceiling and is in the midst of the Domination soldiers in an instant. Cries of shock and pain follow immediately on the heels of sickening crunches.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Run, Psycho!
Save yourself, my love!
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Not so fast.
The android turns to see ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER holding a gun to PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s head. Domination troops run up from the opposite end of the corridor to her side. The android stops, and is immediately wrestled to the ground and shackled.
ADMIRAL HORNBLOWER
Well then, let’s get this all sorted out.
I’m sure you’ll all be properly cooperative from this point.
INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY SHIFT
The AH.COM crew are lined up in a row in front of a wall draped with a giant Stars and Bars, shivering in their spacesuits’ underwear. STRAHA, GREY WOLF, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are singed, bandaged, and definitely looking the worse for wear. The android is nowhere to be seen. They are surrounded by blonde Domination space marines who appear to live off a steady diet of steroids, wheaties, and diet pills. ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER stands calmly in front, inspecting them.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Damn it, you monkeys all look the same to me.
Which one of you is the commanding officer?
DOCTOR WHAT
(Looking resigned, he raises his hand)
I’m Captain What.
MATT
(Raises his hand)
No, I’m Captain What.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Raises his hand slowly)
No, uh, I’m Captain What.
MICHAEL
Captain who?
STRAHA
He’s Captain What!
Points at DOCTOR WHAT
And that guy beside him is GREY WOLF, the first officer.
MATT
STRAHA I’m going to rip your gluteal muscles out with garden shears and literally make a hat from your…
A Domination marine smacks MATT from behind with the butt of his rifle, silencing him.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
A futile deception, anyway.
I have the empathic power to tell truth from lies.
Guards, take the rest of them to the brig!
MATT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, STRAHA, MICHAEL, and GBW are quickly shepherded out of the room.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
I’m going to make this really simple.
Give me the codes to your ship’s computer.
You’re going to give them to us eventually, of course.
But if you do it now, your future will be a lot brighter.
(Pause)
Well, a lot less dark.
I won’t kid you, monkeys, spending the rest of
your life in a cubicle isn’t paradise.
DOCTOR WHAT
GATEWAY isn’t proving totally cooperative, huh?
GREY WOLF
Fancy that.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
I’ve defeated the space navies of 47 timelines, been elected
Dominarch of the Mars district, grabbed a few titles of
nobility along the way, pretty much every medal there is,
and been crowned Empress of India under circumstances
that would take an entire book to explain.
Volume seven of my biography, in fact.
I find that little problems like ornery ship’s computers
tend to resolve themselves pretty quickly.
DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t care if you’re the lawfully crowned queen of my
right asscheek, we can’t give you the codes to the Gateway.
We don’t have them.
The truth is, we stole the ship in a bit of… confusion.
Even GATEWAY doesn’t know where the hell we
are or how to get back to the Hub.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Hm.
Using my natural empathic powers, I can
sense that you’re telling the truth.
Or at least you think you are, since
the computer may have lied to you.
That means… you’re of no use to us.
We’ll see if your android has more
information in its memory banks.
Guards!
Take them to the brig!
INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – BRIG – DAY SHIFT
The AH.COM crew sit in a well-lit metal cell, discussing strategy and their utter lack of it. GBW is holding a glossy brochure entitled “Interplanetary Domination of the Confederate States of America FAQ for New Slaves”.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the hell do we do now?
STRAHA
It’s game over, man, game over!
DOCTOR WHAT
Calm down guys, we’re just lost in an unknown timeline
and about to be enslaved by Confederate space Nazis.
How is this different from any other day?
GBW
(Browsing brochure)
Hey, this is interesting.
They’ve got a basic historical overview.
Looks like the Confederacy defeated the Union, and
then went on an unstoppable binge of conquering until
it controlled the entire solar system around the year 2006.
They discovered multiverse travel, and now
they’ve conquered dozens of timelines.
Seems it’s only 2027 their time…
pretty amazing considering how high tech they are.
DOCTOR WHAT
Right, a really implausible world.
Not exactly the first one we’ve seen.
MICHAEL
Yeah, no mutant armies or killer purple dinosaurs.
GBW
But this one has more of a “God really is on their side”
sort of thing. Not unlikely in a weird sense, unlikely
in a flip a million coins and get all heads sense.
DOCTOR WHAT
Which is exactly why we need to get the hell out of here!
GBW
Well, let’s think… right now we don’t see
a way to get out of this cell.
But if we could get out, what could we do?
MATT
Take a ship, or a shuttle, and get out of here?
MICHAEL
What, you don’t want to just blast them all personally?
Hell, I do.
MATT
Just because I love blowing things up doesn’t mean I’m insane.
Uh, doesn’t mean I’m suicidally insane.
GREY WOLF
Yes, these musclebound racists sure are unbelievably tough.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Was it before or after we were swarmed by dozens of
battleships that you figured that out?
GBW
Unbelievably tough… but just how unbelievably?
DOCTOR WHAT
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
GBW
I’m not thinking about Japanese schoolgirl porn.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh.
Carry on, then.
GBW
What was that weapon that MATT screwed up, the “Plausibility cannon”?
Didn’t GATEWAY say something about it causing objects from implausible
timelines to revert to a more likely state?
(Looks at MATT)
MATT
I, uh… guess so.
Wasn’t paying the closest attention.
GBW
These guys are so unbelievable, I bet that
cannon would really do a number on them.
Then we could perform our usual
well-ordered strategic withdrawal.
DOCTOR WHAT
But GATEWAY said that thing was fried, I distinctly remember
it not being very useful with a range of two feet.
And the Domination blew out our main
power when they were taking the ship.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Actually, the cannon’s not hooked up to main power,
only the focusing control was using our grid.
It must have its own power source.
GBW
So maybe it still works, if we could
get to it and turn it on manually.
Range is only two feet…
but how big is the area of effect?
Maybe it could at least clear dixie chick’s army
out of the ship, or another ship close enough.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’d ask my delicious Alyson, but they don’t
seem to have brought her back here.
I hate to think what those bastards might be doing to her.
INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – LAB – DAY SHIFT
The ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID lies on an instrument-studded lab table, held down by heavy metal restraints. A panel in her chest is open and a glowing scanner sits over it. ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER watches, accompanied by several officers and scientists.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
How’s it going back there?
SCIENTIST
We still haven’t penetrated the chest cavity.
Sir, the CPU and the power core aren’t just protected
by metal, there’s some kind of inner energy shield.
I’ve never seen technology like this.
It’s going to be hard to break through it
without destroying everything inside.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Fine, we’ll keep trying to do this the old fashioned way.
Toaster, tell us the access code to the Gateway CPU!
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
There probably isn’t any code, I think the
question is whether or not GATEWAY trusts you.
Seeing how you’re the evil bitch queen of the universe,
and also of India, my guess is he doesn’t.
OFFICER NUMBER ONE
That’s Empress of India, toaster.
OFFICER NUMBER TWO
(Helpfully)
And she’s an accomplished olympic diver, too.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
You do realize that you’re all screwed, don’t you?
You’ve attacked a Hub courier ship and when they find
out, they’re gonna give you the total smackdown.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Nonsense.
History is on our side… we never lose a war.
Seriously, we’ve never lost a war, not even a major battle.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
(With a suddenly odd and un-Alyson-like demeanor)
I think there are bats in your belfry, bitch.
Bats have been guiding your way.
But now you’ve stepped on the dragon’s tail,
and bats won’t help you any more.
(She shakes her head and blinks a few times, and her expression returns to normal)
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
(Looking a bit startled)
Enough of this nonsense!
(Turns to the lead scientist)
I could wait days, even weeks, for you to crack her electronic skull.
But there could be a ticking time bomb on that ship or,
you know, somewhere.
Or something.
Time for the torture!
LEAD SCIENTIST
But sir, androids don’t feel pain!
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
But humans do, and this one seems… attached…
to one of their crewmembers.
We’ll torture him until she cooperates.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
So let me get this straight.
You’re not hurting my dear Psycho now, but you will
if I don’t give you the code to the Gateway CPU?
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
That’s right.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Thanks for making that clear.
Since I don’t have the code to the Gateway CPU,
I have only one alternative.
The android’s heavy metal bonds explode outward with a deafening crack, and she leaps into the air. Within seconds the officers and scientists are battered, blood-soaked corpses strewn about the room. ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER bolts from the room in the midst of the carnage, and shuts a heavy blast door behind her.
INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – BRIG – DAY SHIFT
The AH.COM crew huddle together attempting to argue in whispers. A pair of female Domination guards stand in the corridor outside. SUSIE MAE and SALLY JEAN could pass for professional bodybuilders, and like most of their sisters in arms are about six feet tall.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Whispering)
So we just need some way to seize a shuttle and get
past their defenses to land on the Gateway.
Then we can use the you-know-what to get rid of you-know-who.
GREY WOLF
Fat lot of good all these plans do when we’re stuck in this cell.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, all we can do is try.
DOCTOR WHAT stands up, and walks over to the bars of the cell.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Attempting to sound seductive. I said attempting, not succeeding)
Oh SUSIE MAE, would you come here?
I have this problem with my tongue that
I wonder if you could help me with.
SUSIE MAE
(Stepping closer)
The medic’s already checked you over, monkey.
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s not the kind of problem I meant.
SUSIE MAE
I don’t… oh.
(Laughs)
Are you making some pitiful attempt to seduce me, little monkey?
Gracious me, I’m a lesbian.
SALLY JEAN
We all are.
What with the men banging slaves all day,
what else is any proper southern girl to do?
DOCTOR WHAT stands motionless, in complete and utter shock. A few drops of drool dribble from the corner of his open mouth.
Everyone stares curiously at him for several unusually long seconds, until the door at the end of the hallway blasts open in an eruption of flame. The ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID steps through the flames, and effortlessly shoots SUSIE MAE and SALLY JEAN with a blaster cannon that looks disproportionately big for her. She then walks over to the cell and rips the door open. The AH.COM crew wait nervously until she gets out of the way before running out of the cell.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
PSYCHOMELTDOWN, my love, my master, they’re trying to kill you!
We’ve got to get out of here!
STRAHA looks past the android to see the charred bodies of several Domination soldiers in the previous room.
STRAHA
Hot damn.
ARMAGEDDON!
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay!
Now we get to a shuttle!
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Maybe not a good idea.
I couldn’t hide it for long.
GBW
Hide it?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Let’s get OUT OF HERE!
GBW
SHUT UP!
Wait a sec, she’s the one who hasn’t been
cooped up in the brig for hours.
Android… uh, Alyson… what’s going on?
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
I’ve killed most of the bridge crew and taken control of the
ship’s computer. I’m using it to broadcast fake messages to
the rest of the fleet, telling them everything is A-OK.
But we’ve got maybe ten minutes until the crew regains control.
GBW
What’s the best way to get onto the Gateway?
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Teleporters, of course.
There’s one fifty meters back.
Careful not to step in the blood and guts, though.
MICHAEL
(Grumbling)
Redheads still suck.
INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY SHIFT
The AH.COM crew stand in front of a teleporter pad. GBW is already inspecting the controls.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, here’s how it’s going to go.
We divide into two teams, one to set the plausibility
cannon on overload, one to create a diversion.
We send those with the most technical experience
to the cannon – GBW and PSYCHOMELTDOWN.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
No!
I won’t leave my Psycho.
DOCTOR WHAT
But we need you here to keep telling everyone that all is well in Dixie.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
If he goes then I go with him.
DOCTOR WHAT
Psycho, order her to go.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Obviously a little bit torn, until he spends enough time giving the android the twice-over)
Fuck that.
I’ll operate the teleporter, send MICHAEL instead.
I’ll stay here with the unstoppable killer robot
who’s extremely hot and obeys my every whim.
MICHAEL
Right on!
More hacking.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m the captain!
And I don’t trust MICHAEL to hack a toaster.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Captain of what?
As of now we don’t have a ship.
And I do have my dream girl!
DOCTOR WHAT
Fine.
MATT, MICHAEL, and GBW, you’re on the technical team.
MATT, make sure MICHAEL doesn’t try to hack anything… inappropriate.
GREY WOLF and I will teleport in near the engines, at the
opposite end of the ship, and distract the enemy.
STRAHA
What about me?
DOCTOR WHAT
Um… you’re definitely a distraction, so come with me.
Everyone onto the teleporter pad!
The crew assumes positions on the teleporter pad, standing in two groups and holding Domination blaster rifles at the ready. PSYCHOMELTDOWN moves over to the controls, making a few tentative presses on their unfamiliar buttons. Sensing his uncertainty, the android moves over and wraps herself around him.
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Come on, sugar schlong.
I know you can do it.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN distractedly hits a series of buttons in rapid succession. The crew disappears. The instant they’re gone, he turns around and locks lips with the android.
END ACT I
ACT II
EXT. – INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX – NIGHT
Pan across a road through a massive complex of industrial buildings. The street is mostly dark, but is illuminated by the reflection of city lights from an extremely hazy sky. In the center of the street is a manhole (a futuristic manhole, with chrome trim). It rises and is pushed aside. OTHNIEL climbs out.
OTHNIEL
It’s all clear, guys!
Waffles hovers out, and then IRON YUPPIE, LANDSHARK, TORQUMADA, and JEFFERSON quickly climb out as well. TORQUMADA looks around, and spots a huge wall between two of the industrial buildings. On the other side climb several well-lit skyscrapers, one of them sporting an electronic billboard advertising some form of toothpaste.
TORQUMADA
Hey, look!
There’s a city right over that wall!
IRON YUPPIE
Excellent.
JEFFERSON, we really need to rethink our strategy.
Over some really serious coffee.
LANDSHARK
And tea and cheese.
I really hanker for some cheese, Yuppie,
it’s been ever so long since I last partook.
TORQUMADA
The city it is!
Can’t be too hard to find a way over that wall.
They walk in the general direction of the large wall, cutting between two buildings to do so. They move into increasing shadow as buildings loom on both sides of them.The shadow is suddenly broken by lights coming from around a corner. The lights sweep around, and emerge from behind one of the buildings. They are attached to the giant form of a battle mech. It fires a shot past them, and blows the grate they emerged from into smoking ruin. Several more near misses blow giant chunks out of the buildings near them, spraying the crew with bits of debris.
JEFFERSON
RUN!
LANDSHARK
You DO have a functioning cerebellum!
TORQUMADA
What the heck is that?
I can’t see past all the lights.
IRON YUPPIE
It’s a mech and it doesn’t like us!
They all scamper around the corner, though WAFFLES pauses to take a long look at the mech as it ambles forward.
JEFFERSON
I’m receiving a transmission from the army!
That’s a Black Empire battle mech.
The army has units in the area and they’re
sending a hovercraft to pick us up.
See that building over there?
(Points)
They can pick us up on the other side in thirty seconds.
Hurry before that mech catches us!
Everyone runs madly around the building indicated by JEFFERSON, to see a hovercraft already arriving. It floats only a foot off the ground, and a soldier opens the door.
JEFFERSON
All aboard!
IRON YUPPIE pulls TORQUMADA aside and whispers to him.
IRON YUPPIE
(Whispering)
I’m really tired of this guy and this whole goose chase.
When I make my move, go for the pilot.
TORQUMADA
(Whispering)
Gotcha.
JEFFERSON moves to shepherd the AH.COMers onto the hovercraft. TORQUMADA jumps up and moves toward the cockpit, while OTHNIEL, LANDSHARK, and WAFFLES mill around in the middle. One pilot and four soldiers can be seen in the hovercraft. IRON YUPPIE stops at the door and turns to the nearby soldiers.
IRON YUPPIE
Would you fellows mind giving a lady a hand up?
Two of the soldiers move forward to offer their hands. IRON YUPPIE lets them help her up, then pushes between them, flips, and drop kicks the two of them out the door. One of them lands on JEFFERSON.
JEFFERSON
WHAT THE HELL IS IT NOW?!
IRON YUPPIE
NOW!
TORQUMADA raises the butt of his rifle and slams it into the pilot’s head. He gives him another whack for good measure, grabs the main control stick, and yanks on it. The hovercraft rises up into the air.
Behind him, the two remaining soldiers rush IRON YUPPIE. OTHNIEL has already raised his gun and blasts the two soldiers, to absolutely no effect.
IRON YUPPIE slams her rifle into the chest armor of one of the soldiers, and it explodes in a burst of smoke and plasma. The soldier drops down, and everyone is confused as they wrestle the other soldier in the smoke. The first soldier gets right back up, if a bit groggily. His armor appears to have a nasty hole blasted in it, but he himself isn’t injured. As the scorched soldier steps back toward the fight, LANDSHARK lets out a girlish scream and throws his gun at him. The soldier bats it away, but is off balance long enough for OTHNIEL to push him out of the hovercraft. The last remaining soldier is quickly overpowered and thrown out of the hovercraft.
TORQUMADA
Guys, I’m not entirely sure how to pilot this thing.
IRON YUPPIE
We just need to get back to the Hub!
I tire of this place.
TORQUMADA
It doesn’t have a shift engine!
IRON YUPPIE
Land at the nearest pub!
We’ll take the authorized personnel exit.
INT. – GATEWAY WEAPONS BAY – DAY SHIFT
DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, and STRAHA materialize out of nothing, and shoot a few bored Domination guards before they can even raise their weapons. They look around them and see a room full of cables, pipes… and an extremely out of place looking thing in the center. A faintly glowing, quicksilver sphere floats in the midair, next to a charred and partially melted focusing device.
DOCTOR WHAT
What the… this isn’t engineering.
OH CRAP!
Psycho teleported us to the wrong coordinates!
The tech team’s probably back aft, being diversionary.
GREY WOLF
Guess we figure this thing out ourselves, then.
You have any clue how to go about it?
DOCTOR WHAT
Nope.
GREY WOLF
Guess I’m in good company.
STRAHA
What the hell IS that, anyway?
STRAHA moves to touch the shimmering sphere. DOCTOR WHAT restrains him.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, this may take a while.
There’s only one door to this chamber.
STRAHA, I want you to stand guard.
With an encouraging push from DOCTOR WHAT, STRAHA moves outside the door, his rifle at the ready. DOCTOR WHAT closes the door behind him, closes a second much heavier blast door on top of the first door, and locks them both.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
That doesn’t look like anything else on this ship.
I think the Hub built that, and we’re about to fuck with it.
GREY WOLF
Well, there’s no buttons on it.
Got to be a control somewhere else around here.
INT. – GATEWAY ENGINEERING – DAY SHIFT
MATT, MICHAEL, and GBW run around a corner, panting.
MATT
Damn you, Psycho!
MICHAEL
Do you think they saw us?
An energy bolt blasts a large chunk of the corner off.
MATT
RUN!
MATT, MICHAEL, and GBW round another corner, duck through a hatch, and find themselves in a room full of confused Domination slave technicians who are busy taking apart Gateway’s systems. The slaves run the gamut of non-white races, and have barcodes tattooed on their foreheads. One particularly dark-skinned fellow appears to have had his forehead bleached so that the barcode would show up better. The AH.COMers point their guns at the slaves.
MATT
Okay, how about everyone just stays really quiet
right now, and nothing bad happens?
You just pretend you never saw anything, and we’ll
get back at those bastards who made you slaves.
SEVERAL SLAVES IN UNISON
GET THEM FOR MASSAH!
The slaves swarm MATT and GBW at once, leaving them too shocked to shoot. MICHAEL dives to the side, but slaves pile on top of him. They’re overwhelmed in seconds.
SLAVE NUMBER ONE
How can they be foolish enough to resist their rightful masters?
SLAVE NUMBER TWO
Boys, we’re going to get an extra helping of gruel tonight!
The slaves cheer.
INT. – GATEWAY CORRIDOR – DAY SHIFT
A squad of Domination soldiers are in the corridor outside the weapons bay. Some of them are using plasma torches on the door, others are surrounding a disarmed STRAHA.
STRAHA
So like I was saying, these guys totally kidnapped me,
I’m on your side, really!
DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are trying to set off
this thing called the Plausibility Cannon.
They think it’ll basically make you all disappear or something.
You need to go in there and shoot the crap out of them before they can!
INT. – GATEWAY WEAPONS BAY – DAY SHIFT
DOCTOR WHAT works furiously at the innards of a half-disassembled computer console, while GREY WOLF holds a small portable sensor up to the Plausibility Cannon apparatus. The room suddenly fills with the crackle of static, and the voice of ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER comes over the ship’s internal comm system.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Well, when will this damn thing be working?
Stop slacking like a bunch of slaves, how hard
can it be to turn on the darkie lovin’ communicators?
(Pause)
Oh.
(Pause)
CAPTAIN WHAT, you might as well surrender yourself now.
You may have managed to… inconvenience my own ship,
but that just means I had to grab another one.
My troops will burn their way into the weapons bay
at any moment.
But just in case you’re thinking of blowing up anything
before then… I’m having all of your friends brought
right up to the other side of the door.
Are you ready to kill them too?
Surrender!
GREY WOLF
I think the appropriate response, historically
speaking, would be “nuts”.
DOCTOR WHAT
I prefer “why don’t you practice your olympic diving
into an empty pool, you Confederate Nazi bitch.”
DOCTOR WHAT grabs a plasma rifle, and fires several times at what appears to be a speaker in the corner of the room. All of his shots miss, but one hits some nearby electronics and the comm link goes dead.
GREY WOLF
Well then, it looks like we’re in a spot of trouble.
Are you quite done yet?
DOCTOR WHAT
(Fiddling with the controls)
Just about… be patient…
GREY WOLF
Just asking.
What with that army trying to blast their way in and kill us, and all.
(Waits)
Oh, will you look at that.
There are little drops of molten metal trickling down the door.
DOCTOR WHAT
THERE we go.
All set and ready to blow.
(Grins evilly and strikes a dramatic pose)
No…
You can’t get away…
From hell’s heart I stab at thee…
GREY WOLF
(Looking on incredulously)
What, you’re giving a speech?
Don’t you think you ought to PUSH THE BUTTON?
DOCTOR WHAT
(Indignant)
This is my moment.
(Glances at the now red-hot door)
Look, we’ve got at least ten, fifteen seconds left to live.
Just keep quiet for fifteen seconds, okay?
GREY WOLF
Right then, I’ll spend my last moments in silence.
Not like I might have anything to say on
the occasion of my impending doom.
DOCTOR WHAT
Great then.
Ok…
(Takes a deep breath)
No…
You can’t get away…
From hell’s heart I stab at thee…
(Pauses with a look of triumph)
For hate’s sake…
I spit my last breath at thee!
DOCTOR WHAT presses the button. A sphere of shimmering energy expands outward from the plausibility cannon in all directions, rending reality itself with its passage. When the shimmering fades, the weapons bay appears completely unchanged.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wow, that was fast.
Honestly, I expected a nerve-wracking thirty second countdown, ending
an instant before the bad guys were about to shoot us both.
DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF suddenly shimmer and disappear, teleported away.
INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY SHIFT
The AH.COM crew stand around on the teleporter pads, all attempting to talk at the same time. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and the ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID are standing at the controls, their clothes and hair looking curiously disheveled.
STRAHA
What the hell?
One minute I was, um, fighting the Domination,
the next minute we’re all here?!
MATT
Where are the guards?
Did we escape?
GBW
Did you see what happened to those troops holding us?
It’s like they went all Keystone Kops right in front of our eyes!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Guys, you did it!
I teleported you back!
GREY WOLF
This room looks a lot, uh, crappier than I remember it.
DOCTOR WHAT
EVERYONE, SHUT UP!
(Pause)
Thanks.
Alyson, are you still patched into the communications system?
ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID
Yes.
Things seem to have… changed.
The communications bandwidth has decreased dramatically,
and what’s left is filled with cries for help.
Sabotage, slave rebellions, poorly maintained and
malfunctioning equipment. This ship itself has
become much smaller and less sophisticated.
DOCTOR WHAT
To the bridge!
INT. – I.D.S. AUTHORIAL FIAT – BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT
The AH.COM crew burst into the bridge, quickly blasting a few overweight Domination guards who don’t put up particularly effective resistance. The crew takes stations around the bridge, and starts trying to figure them out.
GREY WOLF
I’m replaying the sensor logs.
The main viewscreens come to life, and the crew turn to watch. The Gateway is surrounded by a fleet of a dozen gigantic battleships, one much further away than the others. A ripple in spacetime emerges from the Gateway and passes over the ships. Several of them disappear entirely, and the rest of the nearby ships are suddenly replaced with much smaller versions. The new ships still bear the “stars and bars and eagle” insignia, but look a lot more like poorly maintained, Soviet Armada surplus cruisers.
The furthest battleship makes a multiverse jump before the ripple hits it.
DOCTOR WHAT
So… their ships are crap, but so’s this one.
And Gateway’s still disabled.
Psycho, see if you can get the multiverse engine running.
We’re out of here.
A voice comes from the corner, behind them all.
VOICE
You don’t need to run quite yet.
They turn around, guns ready, and see IAN, bartender of the Hub.
DOCTOR WHAT
Um… uh… what are you doing here?
IAN
It’s not every day that someone sets off a Hub plausibility cannon.
Since the Administration finally got the network back online,
I came to check it out.
GBW
But… you’re the bartender!
You barely ever leave the bar!
IAN
I do, and I don’t.
It’s complicated.
Anyway, let’s fix that Frankenstein’s
monster you’ve made out of perfectly
good Daemon parts, and check out this
“Domination of Dixie”.
IAN waves his hand at the ALYSON HANNIGAN ANDROID, and she suddenly stands ramrod straight.
The subtle shimmer of an advanced deflector shield springs into being around her. Her skin
tone morphes into the shiny metal of a Hub Daemon, although she remains human shaped. As a
final touch, a dangerous looking cannon of some kind erupts from her back and pivots to sit
atop her right shoulder.
HUB DAEMON
Download complete.
Hub uplink established.
IAN
(To android)
Secure this ship.
(To the AH.COM crew)
The rest of you are coming on a little journey.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
ALYSON!
NOOOOOOOOOO!
MICHAEL
Sucker.
The Domination cruiser fades out around the AH.COM crew, and the Gateway bridge fades in.
EXT. – CITY – NIGHT
A hovercraft flies fairly low over a futuristic city, passing between the glowing spires of giant skyscrapers. Inside, the AH.COM crew scan the busy streets below with worried expressions.
LANDSHARK
Take it from me, TORQUMADA, we need to be running faster.
They’ve got to be tracking this hovercraft.
TORQUMADA
I don’t see any bars!
LANDSHARK
Just land near that big square over there!
Probably a shopping district, they always
have some kind of alcohol nearby.
TORQUMADA quickly veers the hovercraft down and into a back alley near the square. The AH.COMers jump out and run toward the square. When they reach the alley, they all stop short. The square does seem to be surrounded by some kind of commercial district, although up close it appears quite drab and dingy. More unusual are the gigantic flags flying in the square itself, illuminated by floodlights. Menacing eagles grip the stars and bars in their talons as they flap in the wind.
LANDSHARK
Well then.
IRON YUPPIE
We’ve been played.
I don’t know why, but… ugh.
TORQUMADA
I think there’s some kind of roadblock being set up over there!
Do those look like soldiers to you?
OTHNIEL
Not sure… Hey, right over there!
It’s the “Colored Bar”.
The AH.COMers make a mad dash for the Colored Bar and zip through the door.
INT. – COLORED BAR – NIGHT
The Colored Bar is a dimly lit dive bar, full of a motley clientele of non-white people with barcodes tattooed on their foreheads. Several televisions play over the bar, but the only audible sound is Jazz music. The patrons stare in shock as white people and a floating robot run into their bar and race around randomly.
OTHNIEL
Authorized personnel only!
The four race toward the door indicated by OTHNIEL, only to find that it opens on a brick wall. LANDSHARK charges the wall anyway, and collapses painfully.
IRON YUPPIE
I am displeased.
The music stops. The AH.COMers turn around.
BAR PATRON 1
Is it really them?
BAR PATRON 2
There’s no mistaking that face.
It’s LANDSHARK!
BAR PATRON 3
And IRON YUPPIE!
BAR PATRON 1
And that Mormon kid.
The bartender is holding a small communicator and speaking into it.
BARTENDER
I’ve found them.
You can teleport to these coordinates.
The air shimmers in front of the bar and three men materialize in front of it. They pull out nasty guns and point them at the AH.COM crew.
BLACK COBRA
Well hello there.
I already know who you all are, but you can call me BLACK COBRA.
I’m part of the rebellion against the tyranny of the Domination of Dixie.
LANDSHARK
Um, right, see… we hate Confederates too!
TORQUMADA
And slavery!
And oppression!
And cruelty to animals!
Except sealions!
IRON YUPPIE
What my compatriots would say, if two halfwits could join
together and form a whole, is that we came to this planet
quite recently with no idea it was being run by filthy slavers.
We’ve been put on some kind of wild goose chase and now
we’d like to simply leave in peace, having harmed nobody.
OTHNIEL
Except those soldiers.
LANDSHARK
Yeah, we might have thrown some confederates from a great height.
BLACK COBRA
Oh no, I can’t let you escape.
I never conceived that you’d come here, but frankly, as soon
as I get word back from command I’m going to shoot you all.
We only thought to block your pernicious influence long enough
to launch our revolution, but now we can end it once and for all.
IRON YUPPIE
Pernicious influence?
You’re really beginning to annoy me.
BLACK COBRA
You don’t even understand, do you?
Well then…
BLACK COBRA walks over to the bar and picks up something looking suspiciously like a Tivo remote. He fiddles around with it for half a second, and plays a show on one of the bar’s TVs. He spends several seconds fast forwarding through commercials and credits, during which we see the flashes of familiar faces – those of the AH.COM crew. He stops, and an announcer’s voiceover begins along with a montage of clips.
ANNOUNCER VOICE
Last week, on the Iron Yuppie and Landshark Show…
The screen shows the bridge of the AH.COM. Most of the white members of the crew are visible – but sitting in the captain’s chair is a musclebound six foot blonde man, who has the faint glimmer of a special effect around his edges.
BLONDE TV CAPTAIN WHAT
Damn it, I just finished fighting on an
arena planet for a madman’s amusement.
Give it a rest for a little while, huh?
TV LANDSHARK
This is about shoes, captain.
It’s an extraordinarily important matter.
Now Yuppie, do you think I’d look better
in pink or fuschia?
TV IRON YUPPIE
Personally, I think you look best in green.
But you really don’t want people thinking
“it’s soooo not Christmas” when you’re
stepping in the blood of your enemies.
TV LEO CAESIUS
Captain, I’ve got something strange on…
TV IRON YUPPIE
(Interrupting)
Not purple, either.
Purple and red, such a faux pas.
TV LANDSHARK
Well white stains, and I’ve
already got fifty or sixty black pairs.
TV IRON YUPPIE
But they really make the man.
Just buy more and donate the old ones to the rest of the crew.
They could be a bit more manly.
Not too much, though, wouldn’t want to encourage uppityness.
BLACK COBRA
Argh!
I can’t stand to watch any more.
BLACK COBRA presses the stop button on the remote, and the TV obeys.
TORQUMADA
That’s us!
That was us not too long ago.
LANDSHARK
Well, we’re a sexy pair, aren’t we?
TORQUMADA
What treachery is this?
BLACK COBRA lifts his gun and blasts WAFFLES into a chunk of scrap metal.
BLACK COBRA
Your droid was recording your lives for the Domination of Dixie’s
hottest new reality show, “The Iron Yuppie and Landshark Show”.
They play you on every television all day, everywhere… there’s absolutely
no escaping you. They used to try and distract the masses with
entertainment, but they’ve discovered that sheer volume of mind-
numbing banter is quite effective at, well, numbing the mind.
And therefore, effective at keeping billions of people in the
bondage of slavery.
TORQUMADA
Well let me be the first to say, I’m not the slightest bit surprised.
LANDSHARK
Mind-numbing?
I put a great deal of thought into my banter.
BLACK COBRA
I’m sure you do.
But at any rate, for our revolution to have any hope
of succeeding we had to shut down your show.
They were transmitting it across the multiverse using
the Hub’s Ouroboros network, so we acquired devices
that allow us to jam the network. It didn’t really occur
to us that the Domination would try to bring you here
and make a local broadcast. But we’ll put a stop to
that by killing you.
IRON YUPPIE
Well, at least I set a new personal record.
I’ve never kept entire planets of people in bondage.
REBEL HENCHMAN
Sir, still no word from command.
Their transmission might have been jammed.
Maybe we should just kill them ourselves.
OTHNIEL
I don’t suppose you’d take our word that
we won’t work for the Domination, and
if you turn the jammers off we’ll leave
this world right away?
BLACK COBRA
That sounds pretty sensible… except
that it would leave a dangerous weapon
of mass interruption on the loose.
No, I think I’ll just kill you.
TORQUMADA
(Helpfully)
Why don’t you spend more time
describing the full details of your plan?
Villains in the movies always do that.
I hear it works out well.
While TORQUMADA is uttering his last sentence, the entire room shimmers and changes. All of a sudden the bar is bawdy and active – and many of the patrons are white. The obligatory confederate insignia around the room are gone, replaced with sports memorabilia. A slight shimmer remains around BLACK COBRA for a period of time – he hasn’t changed.
A figure steps out of the crowd – IAN the bartender.
IAN
You can all leave now, the Hub doors are working again.
As for you, “BLACK COBRA”… let’s talk about where you got those network jammers.
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT
The AH.COM crew stand in the middle of the bridge, gaining their bearings. The crew stations are manned by the vaguely humanoid robotic forms of Hub Daemons, and the ship’s status indicators are now green across the board.
GATEWAY
All systems operational, sir.
GBW
Operational?
This ship was a wrecked piece of junk a few minutes ago!
IAN
The Administration applied a slight adjustment of reality.
GATEWAY
Ah… I could gloat so amazingly now.
But your thieving monkey brains wouldn’t be able to appreciate it anyway.
Still, I should point out that…
IAN
(Interrupting)
Take us to Dixie.
The background of Jupiter and a half dozen clunky cruisers is replaced by a head-on view of Earth… and flecks of lights in front of it. GATEWAY magnifies the forward image to show the Domination fleet surrounding their homeworld. Giant battleships, fighter carriers, cruisers, hordes of support ships. Dwarfing them all, in the midst of the fleet are several gargantuan command ships, each many miles long. Earth itself is visible half in daylight, half on the night side. The night side glows with spectacular light, especially from the southeastern part of North America – the old Confederacy. Europe and Africa, in daylight, are clouded and scarred by pollution. More and more ships are jumping in – the great fleet is obviously being formed up right now.
GATEWAY
Three command ships, one hundred fifty seven
capital ships, four hundred ninety three support vessels.
More appear to be jumping in.
I am decrypting their coded transmissions.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER has jumped back,
and sent a message from Jupiter warning them
of attackers using Hub technology. Which I guess
is why they’ve brought more than half of their entire fleet.
IAN
Take us in.
GREY WOLF
What, are you mad?
This is a nice ship and all, but can even your
plausibility cannon protect us from that bloody
insanely huge armada?
IAN
I don’t think…
(Pauses as if trying to remember)
…that you have ever seen the Administration in action.
DOCTOR WHAT
Guys, uh… let’s just sit back and watch.
STRAHA
(Blatantly drooling)
Armageddon…
GBW
Wait a minute… how did we get directly to Earth?
That wasn’t just a multiverse jump, we travelled
half a billion kilometers through space!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wow… guided spatial jump… it *is* possible…
GATEWAY
Incoming transmission.
This might be interesting.
The image of a white-beared old man looking like nothing so much as Colonel Sanders (of Kentucky Fried Chicken fame) in a grey uniform pops onto the screen. He stands in front of a very official-seeming background, complete with the obligatory muscular eagle holding the stars and bars.
PRESIDENT BILLY BUFORD
Why hello there.
Allow me to introduce myself.
Ah’m PRESIDENT BILLY BUFORD of the Interplanetary
Domination of the Confederate States of America.
I do believe that you’re CAPTAIN WHAT, and you’ve been
attacking the ships of my beautiful Confederacy.
IAN
Your belief is incorrect.
I am not CAPTAIN WHAT.
I represent the Hub Administration.
The very administration that you thought to hunt down,
once rebels prevented you from abusing our network
to help keep whole worlds in bondage. That behavior
is completely out of line, and I have no choice but to
administer sanctions.
PRESIDENT BILLY BUFORD
Pardon me for the informality, sir, but… you and what army?
(Smiles condescendingly)
I know I’ve got mine right here.
IAN
I know what you’re thinking.
“That ship’s got some kind of weapon that took out an
entire squadron of battleships, but they weren’t entirely
destroyed and Honorblower escaped.
Does it have the ability to take out an entire fleet?”
Well, to tell you the truth, I’ve never actually put that to the test.
But being as how this is a Hub plausibility cannon, and your
timeline really does seem pretty implausible, you’ve got to ask
yourself a question: Do I feel likely?
Well, do ya, punk?
DOCTOR WHAT
(In an undertone)
Sweeeet.
PRESIDENT BILLY BUFORD
Say your prayers.
Ah’m prepared to match my
thousand ships against your one ship.
IAN
Fine.
But not against this particular one ship.
IAN gestures and the viewscreen fades away.
He looks to the side, at the starfield visible “through” the Gateway’s hull. Empty space suddenly twists and bulges into the form of a gigantic vessel. Its surface is so completely mirrorlike that it is visible only because of how its curvature distorts the reflection of the stars.
The ship vanishes, and a viewscreen pops up to track it as it reappears in the middle of the Domination fleet. They begin to fire on it, a torrential downpour of missiles and energy. All of which vanishes into nothing before it can reach the ship’s surface.
MATT
What… is… that?
IAN
Hub Dreadnaught.
The Administration finds that they
come in handy for solving large problems.
Space ripples around the Dreadnaught, and most of the Domination fleet pops out of existence. The remaining ships are smaller, more worn. Some of them continue to fire ineffectively at the dreadnaught, others drift out of formation. A few spontaneously explode. With the fleet taken care of, the Dreadnaught begins to fire the Plausibility Cannon at Earth. The planet’s entire surface shimmers and reforms. Dark scars across the forests are replaced by normal greens and yellows. The lights on the night side thin substantially, especially in the old Confederacy. The Dreadnaught jumps and vanishes.
GREY WOLF
Wow.
What was all that, then?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think you mean “DAMN, what the fuck just happened?!”
IAN
The Dreadnaught is moving on to fix the other
conquered timelines, reducing the Confederacy to insignificance.
Most timelines will never have been conquered in the first place.
The rest, I’m sure, will be free fairly soon.
GBW
If the Hub has that kind of power, why the hell
is it such a hive of scum and debauchery?
Who had the kind of power to jam your network?
IAN
The Hub you see, the city, is a convenient service we happen to provide.
It’s not the Administration’s top priority. The Administration protects all
timelines touched by the Ouroboros doors from serious crosstime threats.
Those threats probably supplied this world with network jammers.
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s pretty vague.
IAN
I hope you never need the details.
Now, I think it’s time for a reunion.
The crew are teleported to the bridge of the AH.COM. LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, TORQUMADA, and OTHNIEL are teleported in at the same time. The forward viewscreen shows the Hub docking spires, making it clear that the ship is docked at the Hub. IAN is leaning against the wall next to the viewscreen as if he’d been sitting there for hours. WEAPON M, KITJED, DIAMOND, and DAVE HOWERY are already on the bridge, which makes it very crowded.
END ACT II
TAG
IAN
Well, you people sure have a habit of getting into trouble.
LANDSHARK
More of a vocation.
Sometimes we get paid for it.
LUAKEL
What?
How come I never get paid?!
DIAMOND
By “we” he means not you, and by “paid” he means
“get to keep whatever we happen to liberate from
its nefarious and undeserving prior owner”.
LUAKEL
Oh.
I always wondered how the economics of this ship worked.
It never really seemed fleshed out.
GREY WOLF
Say, how are we here?
Don’t I recall something about the CF.NETers stealing our ship?
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, LEO, what happened?
LEO CAESIUS
Heh.
Heh heh heh.
Well, I was sitting minding my own business in the Hub
when you guys left me at the mercy of DOMINUS NOVUS,
BULGAROKTONOS, and FAEELIN. Completely alone and
without even the benefit of my robot body. As for what
happened after that and how I got back here on my own…
Well, maybe that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say that
they’ll think twice… no, maybe three or four hundred times,
before they ever turn off the computer and make an unguided jump.
GBW
(Grimaces)
I hope we’ll think twice too….
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What?!
I found my Alyson on that jump!
GBW
I suppose it’s too much to expect that we even think once.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey Ian, why didn’t you bring back
DMA, FLOCCULENCIO, and G.BONE?
IAN
Well, after you left them tied up in order to run in terror
as fast as possible, I figured I’d leave them along because
they deserved a break. And boy, have they ever been
getting a bunch of them.
Quick cut to DMA, FLOCCULENCIO, and G.BONE and a pile of female goatist initiates lying naked (save cheap costume goat horns) in a pile amidst Faux-Arabian splendor.
DOCTOR WHAT
At least someone got a break.
GBW
We just stole a Hub ship, blind jumped into
the middle of a bunch of Confederate Space Nazis,
and then escaped completely unscathed.
Some people might call that a “break”.
TORQUMADA
He means our net acquisitions of alcohol, porn, and booootay were a big fat zero.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, escaping is pretty much par for the course,
it’s really the cheap materialism that we measure victory by.
We seem pretty much impossible to actually kill.
Permanently, at least.
INT. – DOMINATION BATTLESHIP BRIDGE – DAY
The bridge of a Domination battleship – the implausibly advanced kind, manned by a crew of blonde olympians. Sitting in the command chair is ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER. On the viewscreen, space twists and forms into the reflective bulk of a Hub Dreadnaught. A wave of distortion shoots forth from the Dreadnaught and crosses through the bridge. The ship instantly becomes more primitive and worn, the bridge itself smaller. The crew are shorter, alternately fatter or skinnier, and their uniforms now look like they were issued by an army rather than a top Hollywood designer.
All except for ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER herself – she is completely unchanged, as is her command chair and every bit of ship within a perfectly spherical area about two meters across.
One of the crew members, a skinny fellow in an ill-fitting uniform, turns toward her in shock.
CREW MEMBER
Wha… who are you?
Without a word, HONORBLOWER pulls out her blaster and shoots him between the eyes. She spins around and kills every other member of the bridge crew in mere seconds. One of them manages to pull out his gun and return fire, but the bolts splash off an invisible shield surrounding her.
HONORBLOWER listens for a moment and begins speaking to someone who is unseen and unheard – a voice in her head, perhaps.
ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER
Yes, the plan failed, but did you really expect it to succeed?
(Listens)
It was just bad luck that the Hub agents escaped so quickly.
You wanted those jammers up for too long anyway.
(Listens)
Of course I’m ready for a new assignment.
HONORBLOWER vanishes.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
