TEASER

EXT. – STREET – HUB – DAYISH

DOCTOR WHAT and the AH.COM CREW are all walking down the sidewalk. GREY WOLF is looking at a device in his hands.

GREY WOLF
I think this is the place.

WEAPON M pulls outs a BFG.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t think we’ll be needing that.

WEAPON M
You’re never sure.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, I think we’re not going to need it.

Pull back and we see a large glowing and glittering sign:

HUB CINEMAS:
10,000,000 SCREENS SHOWING UP TO
75 VERSIONS OF THE SAME MOVIE!!!

FLOCCULENCIO
I’m not sure about this.

MICHAEL
Movie Night?
It’s supposed to bring
the crew together.

FLOCCULENCIO
Why not just take us to a strip club?
That’ll work better than all sitting in a cinema.

MICHAEL
You know what happened last time.

MATT
Hey! I was drunk and uncoordinated.

MICHAEL
I was talking more about
the two dollars in pennies.

MATT
Oh, right. Well…

DOCTOR WHAT
(waving)
Alright, boys and girls.
We got the tickets, no pushing,
no shouting, no biting, and Sharky,
definitely no shin kicking.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wait, what are we going to watch?

MICHAEL
Dunno.
Keira was supposed to pick the movie.

FLOCCULENCIO
Mate, I have a bad feeling about this.

TWO HOURS LATER

The AH.COM CREW exit the movie theatre. We pull in on them, we see their faces pale and a few of them shaking.

MICHAEL
Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, god. Oh, god.
(shuddering)

FLOCCULENCIO
My mind…
I don’t…
Oh, god…

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF watch as the crew file pass. We see KEIRA KNIGHTLY leading a stunned looking DAVE HOWERY by the hand.

DOCTOR WHAT
Successful?

GREY WOLF
I don’t think I understood the plot.

DOCTOR WHAT
That happens when you fall asleep before it even begins.
Anyway. I think I’m crossing independent films from
a Cucuteni dominated worlds off my list of things to see.
Ye gods, I think what they did with the hedgehogs and
olive oil is going to haunt me for the next week.

GREY WOLF
I think I’ll wait until it arrives on video.

The two follow the crew.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“SPA DAY”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

DAVE HOWERY, KEIRA KNIGHTLY, and IRONYUPPIE are standing in the room. G.BONE is sleeping with his head on his arms, on the control panel for the Teleportation Tubes.

DAVE HOWERY
I don’t know about this.
I mean you going off all by your lonesome.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I’m not going off by my lonesome.
Ironyuppie’s coming with me.

DAVE HOWERY
(eyes IY)
Yeah, that’s also something worrying me.

IRONYUPPIE
Come on, Dave. You can’t keep he
r locked up in your quarters
all the time. It makes you look sad
and creepy, and seeing as you’re
already that, it just makes it more so.
People are talking and not the usual
behind your back kind of talking either.

DAVE HOWERY
(un-amused)
Har-dee-friggin-har.

IRONYUPPIE
Plus, y’know, a girl’s got needs.

DAVE HOWERY
(eyeing IY)
Now, I’m doubly worried.

IRONYUPPIE
Dude, I’ve got the same girl bits
she does. You think I’m after them?

DAVE HOWERY
Tell me you aren’t.

IRONYUPPIE
I’m not going to lie to you.
(long pause)

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
It’s only for a couple of hours.
What possibly could happen
at a day spa?

DAVE HOWERY
Keira, honey, darling dear, love of my life.
You really should never ask that kind of question.
The universe has a way of making you regret it.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF enter the Pub.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that was another
splendid mission we survived.

GREY WOLF
Ya, but I think Michael’s
gonna be sore for a month.

DOCTOR WHAT
A shame about that. But then again,
you know the saying.

GREY WOLF
You mess with the seven-ton
mutant rhino elephant dinosaur
and you get the horn/tusk/talon
thing up the backside?

DOCTOR WHAT
Something like that…
Come, I’ll buy you a drink.

GREY WOLF
I need something that’ll burn in a good way.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right, gutrot coming right up.

INT. – DARKEN ROOM – DAY

A MAN IN A MASK sits at a table. ANOTHER MAN IN A MASK arrives and sits across from him.

MAN IN A MASK
You got the stuff?

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
I got the stuff.

MAN IN A MASK
Then give me the stuff.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
I’ll give you the stuff.

MAN IN A MASK
Quit repeating things I say, boy.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Quit repeating things I say.

MAN IN A MASK
I’m annoyed.
If you got the stuff, then give it
and you’ll get your money.
If you don’t, then fuck off and die.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Fine. Fine. Geez, are you always this grumpy?

MAN IN A MASK
Only when dealing with idiots.

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Here you go, mate.
Have fun and don’t get it on your skin.
God only know why you want that.

MAN IN A MASK
I have my reasons.
(evil grin)

OTHER MAN IN A MASK
Yeah, yeah. Just make sure you got my money.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is sitting at a table, looking at a picture book. He looks a bit down.

FLOCCULENCIO and DMA enter the room.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, looked what crawled
out of the Engineering Bay.

DMA
Looks like something you
see after eating Taco Bell.

DAVE HOWERY
Leave me alone.

FLOCCULENCIO
Look it talks.

DMA
Aye, and it sounds like something
you hear after eating Taco Bell.

FLOCCULENCIO
What is your obsession with Taco Bell?

DMA
I’m hungry, get over it.

FLOCCULENCIO
(sighs)
If you’re going to be my Aussie Sidekick, now that
Michael’s incapacitated, you really have to be more
Johnny on the Spot with better barbed quips and
not be so easily distracted by bodily needs.

DMA
I could use a good hooker or two,
now that we’re talking about it.

FLOCCULENCIO
(sighs)
I need a better Aussie Sidekick.

DAVE HOWERY
You guys gonna leave? Or do I have to go
broken sprinkler head on your arses?

FLOCCULENCIO
Where’s the little missus?
She finally get over her programming
and flee in terror?

DAVE HOWERY
Quiet you. She loves me for being me!

FLOCCULENCIO
Keep telling yourself that, mate.
Keep telling yourself that.

DAVE HOWERY
She and Yuppie went to a spa.
Without me.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wow, you actually unchained her
from the radiator in your quarters?

DAVE HOWERY
She’s not chained up.

FLOCCULENCIO
But now that she’s gone,
I’ll wager she’s gone for good.

DMA
Aye, and she’s probably gettin’ felt up by
some young strapping buck right about now…

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you!
She’d never let another man touch her!

INT. – HUB – SPA – DAY

KEIRA KNIGHTLY lets out a groan of pleasure.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I’ve never been touched
like that by a man before!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

DAVE HOWERY and DMA are grappling on the floor as FLOCCULENCIO idly watches.

THANDE suddenly bursts into the room.

THANDE
Keira is gone!
Where did she go!

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, look what crawled out of the air ducts
leading to Dave and Keira’s quarters.

THANDE
Its nearly nine, that’s her shower time.

FLOCCULENCIO
Is anyone else completely
creeped out by that statement?

DMA
Aye, I’m a bit.

DAVE HOWERY
She’s gone off the ship!
Okay? Got it? Understand!
She’ll be back though.
(panting)
She will…

FLOCCULENCIO
A sane person would merely nod
and agree with you, right now.
(looks at DMA)
Aussie Sidekick?

DMA
(to Dave)
No she’s not coming back.

DAVE HOWERY launches himself at DMA.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is very sloshed, GREY WOLF sips at his mason jar, unaffected.

DOCTOR WHAT
So I said to him,
That’s not a tail, buddy.

GREY WOLF
Not to get your hopes up, Doc.
But I think there’s an attractive
girl eyeing you from afar.

DOCTOR WHAT
A what?

GREY WOLF
An attractive girl.

DOCTOR WHAT
You sure?
Because that usually doesn’t ever happen.

GREY WOLF
I know.
I’m baffled.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, point me in her general direction
and shove me off in that direction.

GREY WOLF points DOCTOR WHAT in the direction and pushes him. He staggers toward a young woman sitting at the bar, a welcoming smile on her face.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey…
I’m Doc.
What are you?

GIRL
Nice to meet you Doc…
My name is StrategyGirl.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

There’s a loud pop and a large container appears upon the Teleportation Tubes.

G.BONE looks at in confusion.

He hits the comm button.

G.BONE
Hey, did anyone order anything?

HENDRYK
Nope. Why?

G.BONE
I just got a package in. Says its
addressed to the Crew of the AH.com.

HENDRYK
Open it up.

G.BONE
Nope. I’m not falling for that again.

HENDRYK
Come on.

G.BONE
After what happened last time?
No.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN enters the Teleportation Tube Room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yo, you seen my tub of Crisco?

G.BONE
Hey, Psycho. Mind opening that crate?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You got my tub of Crisco?

G.BONE
I’ll give you one, if you open that crate.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Woot.
(opens crate)
Hey, cool!

G.BONE rises up from where he was crouching behind the control console.

G.BONE
No exploding hamsters?
No tentacle monsters wanting
to have sex with people?
No kumquats?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Nope. Just a load of porn.
A lot of porn.

G.BONE looks around.

G.BONE
Hey, what’s that rumbling sound.
It sounds like a stampede…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY sits tinkering with the engine.

THANDE walks in carrying a large cardboard thing.

DAVE HOWERY
(looks up)
What do you want?

THANDE
And a happy day to you, arsehat.

DAVE HOWERY
Look. Can’t you guys just leave me alone?

THANDE
So you can mope about and sob by yourself?

DAVE HOWERY
Yes.

THANDE
There’s a big shipment of porn that just came in.
Why don’t you take a few?

DAVE HOWERY
I’m not interested.

THANDE
(stares)
What has happened to you?

DAVE HOWERY
Get out of here.

THANDE
It’s a good thing then, that I came to bring you this.

THANDE stands the cardboard thing before DAVE HOWERY. We see it’s a cut out of KEIRA KNIGHTLY.

DAVE HOWERY
What the fuck is that?

THANDE
There are times when a man gets lonely.
And he just has to be reminded of things.

DAVE HOWERY
Where the fuck did you get that?

THANDE
(grinning)
Made it meself.

DAVE HOWERY
(glaring)
Why are there spots worn thin?

THANDE
(nervous laugh)
Uh… right.
(cocks head)
What’s that? I’m needed in the Chem Lab?
(to Dave)
Sorry, mate. I have to go. Needed and whatnot.

THANDE quickly leaves the Engineering Bay.

DAVE HOWERY looks at the card board cutout.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn crew.
This is why I chain Keira
to the radiator in my quarters.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DIAMOND are carrying large armfuls of porn.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dude, I’m so gonna look at all theses… tonight.

DIAMOND
Screw that. I’m looking at them right now.
(dumps porn)
Oooo.. Yeah…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(uncomfortable)
You know you’re not wearing pants, right?

DIAMOND
Hell yes I do.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(about to throw up)
I’m so outta here.
(flees)

DIAMOND
(opening magazine)
Daddy like….

INT. – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY paces in front of the cardboard cut out.

DAVE HOWERY
This is stupid. This is very stupid.
I should just throw you in the trash.
(stares at cutout)
I really should.
(shakes head)
No. that would be wrong. I can’t do that.
Not to you. Never to you.
(growls)
Stupid Thande and his perverted ways.
Why would he make a cutout of you?
Because he’s a pervert that’s why.
They all are.
I can see their lusting eyes.
I can see them nudging and winking at one another.
This is why I never brought a girl to the ship before.
Because I’ve had other girls, non programmed to love me girls.
I know how these asshats are. They swarm everything
that’s good and make it sick and wrong.
See what just happened now? A shipment of porn comes in
and like a plague of locust they swarm all over it. Picking it clean
and scurrying off to their respective hidey holes to beat themselves
to a pulp. What kind of people do that? Bad people. That’s what kind.
Evil creepy dirty people. People who corrupt everything they touch.
Its like I’m the only sane person here, the one who sees everything so clearly.
(pauses, taking breath)
You know what I’m talking about right?

DAVE HOWERY stares at the cardboard cutout.

DAVE HOWERY
Yes, you’re the only one that understands me. You’re
the only one who can see with clear eyes. You see what
kind of perverts they are. You see what they’re doing.
Disgusting.
(stares afar)
Something needs to be done.
Something…

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
You know what needs to be done, Dave.

DAVE HOWERY stares at the cardboard cutout.

DAVE HOWERY
Wha…
(blinks then nods)
I know what I have to do.
I have to kill the crew.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
Only you can do it, Dave.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

BOBO floats across the screen, emitting a low humming noise. TORQUMADA can be seen behind a large glass window, a large blood splattered window. His back is turned and we can see something ungodly twitching on the examining table.

The Med Bay door whisks open and PSYCHOMELTDOWN staggers in. He looks confused and has his hands before him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Torq!
Dude, you here?

TORQUMADA
(sighs)
What do you want, Psycho.
I’m kinda busy.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I got me a problem.

TORQUMADA
I told you, I can’t fix ugly.
You’re stuck that way.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, Torq. I got me a different problem.

TORQUMADA
I told you, I can’t fix size.
You’re stuck that way

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, Torq.
I seem to be blinded.

Pull in on PSYCHOMELTDOWN and we see his eyes are milked over.

INT. – HUB – PUT – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT leans close to STRATEGYGIRL, breathing heavily.

DOCTOR WHAT
So what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?

STRATEGYGIRL
Looking for a guy like you.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning foolishly)
Really?
Normally girls are looking for
the opposite of guys like me.

STRATEGYGIRL
Oh, but I like guys like you.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re pretty.
Did I tell you that?

STRATEGYGIRL
A girl can’t be told enough.

DOCTOR WHAT
Too pretty…
I mean, I’ve seen pretty. But you…
Too pretty. Suspiciously pretty.

STRATEGYGIRL
Now that’s something girls don’t like to hear.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, no. It’s just… I’ve never seen your kind of pretty here.
Its like… its like… too pretty to be here kind of pretty.
Makes a guy who’s had about zero
experience with women kinda suspicious.

STRATEGYGIRL
I am what I am.

DOCTOR WHAT
I like you.
Can I have sex with you?

STRATEGYGIRL
Who knows what the future holds.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grins foolishly)
I have s ship. A big ship.

STRATEGYGIRL
I’ll have to see that.
(smiles)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

KIT walks down the corridor, a towel over his shoulder and wearing a speedo and flip flops.

KIT
(whistling)
oh, he’ll be coming around the mountain,
when he comes.
He’ll be coming about the mountain,
When he comes.

There’s a revving sound.

KIT stops and looks over his shoulder.

Nothing.

KIT
(shrugs)
Oh, he’ll be coming around the mountain,
when he comes.

He stops again. Looking over his shoulder.

KIT
Honestly, what is that noise?

He turns and faces DAVE HOWERY.

KIT
Dave? What’s wrong? You got that
crazy woodsman look in your eyes.

DAVE HOWERY
Pervert.

KIT
(shrugs)
We all have our faults.
You just gotta accept it.

DAVE HOWERY
PERVERT!!!!!
YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH MY KEIRA!!!!

KIT
With a woman? Are you serious?

DAVE HOWERY pulls out a chain saw, it roars to life.

KIT begins screaming.

Fade out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK is sitting in the command chair, reading a magazine.

The comm unit chimes. He looks at it and shakes his head, returning to reading.

The comm unit chimes again.

He sighs and hits a button.

LANDSHARK
What?

TORQUMADA
Landshark. I think we have a problem.

LANDSHARK
I told you, its going to cost you double if you
want me to dispose of one of your creations again.
The last time it nearly bit my leg off.

TORQUMADA
No, not that. We can talk about that one later.
Right now, I think we have a medical emergency.

LANDSHARK
What kind.

TORQUMADA
(dramatic pause)
The Crew has gone BLIND!

LANDSHARK
(unimpressed)
So?

TORQUMADA
This qualifies as a medical emergency

LANDSHARK
I’m not blind.
By the looks of it, you’re not too.
So the whole crew isn’t affected.

TORQUMADA
Yes, but a large majority of the crew is.

LANDSHARK
(sighing)
what do you want me to do about it?

TORQUMADA
You’re technically in charge aren’t you?
Since Doc, Grey, and IronYuppie are off the ship.

LANDSHARK
Yuppie isn’t in the chain of command.

TORQUMADA
Come on, Landshark.
Lets be honest here.

LANDSHARK
I’m hanging up on you.

TORQUMADA
But we need to –

The comm unit dies.

LANDSHARK
Torq? You there?
Hello? Hello?
(growls)
You hung up on ME????

Suddenly the hatch to the Control Room is thrown open and Kit jumps in. He slams the hatch close and locks it.

LANDSHARK rises from the command chair.

LANDSHARK
Now what the bloody hell is going on here.
(looks at Kit)
Gods above, Kit. Put on some pants.

KIT
Dave!
He’s gone crazy!

LANDSHARK
Tell me something I don’t know.

KIT
He’s trying to kill me.

LANDSHARK
At this moment, if I had a weapon,
I’d be trying to do that same too.
Jebus, why are you wearing a speedo?

KIT
I was going to the pool.

LANDSHARK
We have a pool?

KIT
Focus, Landshark.
Dave’s gone absolutely nutters.
He thinks I’m trying to sleep with Keira.
I don’t even like girls!

LANDSHARK
(scratching head)
Yeah, even bat shit insane Dave knows you’re the
only one not looking to shag his fake woman.
(sighs)
I guess I’m gonna have to call Doc.
(hits comm unit, nothing happens)
The hell?

KIT
The comm units are all dead.
He cut the cables and destroyed
the machinery as I ran from him.

LANDSHARK
Well, isn’t that bloody convenient.

Suddenly a roaring sound fills the room. Sparks begin to fly from the hatch.

KIT
I think he’s trying to cut his way in!

LANDSHARK
Hey, Dave! Kit’s not trying to sleep with Keira!

DAVE HOWERY
(from behind the hatch)
I’ll kill you both!
I’ll kill you both.

LANDSHARK
Now, I’m included in this?
What the fuck?

DAVE HOWERY
(from beyond the hatch)
I’ll kill you both!
I’ll kill you both!

The hatch falls from its hinges in a shower of sparks.

DAVE HOWERY
(screaming)
I’ll kill you both!
I’ll kill you all!!!

LANDSHARK and KIT flee through the side hatch.

LANDSHARK
Great, just fucking great.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

MOSQUITO is leading a group of people HENDRYK, G.BONE, and GBW.

MOSQUITO
So, what happened to you guys?

GBW
We went blind. It seems.

MOSQUITO
This happens often?

GBW
About never.

MOSQUITO
Dude, that sucks.

G.BONE
I know.
I was just getting into the Big Jugs catalog.

HENDRYK
And how I was enjoying the tentacle porn mag.

MOSQUITO
How about you, GBW.
What were you enjoying.

GBW
None of your business.

G.BONE
I think he took the Manlove Illustrated mag.

GBW
You shut your filthy mouth.

There’s suddenly a revving sound.

G.BONE
Uh.. what was that?

MOSQUITO
I think someone’s revving a chain saw.

GBW
Dave?
You out there?

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you all!
I’ll kill you all!
You’re trying to seduce my Keira!!!

MOSQUITO
Dude, I’m not.

DAVE HOWERY
(pauses)
Nah, you’re cool Mosquito.
I know you’re not after her.
But these guys.. these guys…
I’ll kill you all!!!!

The three begin screaming.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

LANDSHARK and KIT are walking down the corridor.

LANDSHARK
You can stop holding my hand now.

KIT
Oh, right.

LANDSHARK
What the bloody hell is going on anyway?
Torq says everyone’s gone blind.
(suspiciously)
Why aren’t you blind?

KIT
Me? I don’t know.

LANDSHARK
(touches wall panel)
Leo? Leo, you there?

KIT
He’s offline, it seems.
Dave did it, before he went bonkers.

LANDSHARK
Give it to the raving lunatic to turn off the
main computer, before he tries killing everyone.

KIT
He scares me.

LANDSHARK
Yeah, when you don’t shave for
years on end, that tends to happen.

Suddenly MOSQUITO, G.BONE, GBW, and HENDRYK stumble into the corridor.

MOSQUITO looks shaken.

MOSQUITO
I think I killed him.
There was so much blood.

LANDSHARK
(grabbing hold of Mosquito)
What happened?

GBW
Dave tried killing us.
He said we were trying to sleep with Keira.

G.BONE
Guy’s nutters!

KIT
I know, right!

HENDRYK
He was raving and revving his chainsaw
and I think Mosquito attacked him.

MOSQUITO
There was so much blood.
(looks ill)

LANDSHARK slaps MOSQUITO.

LANDSHARK
Get a hold of yourself, man… bug thing.
Tell me what happened.

MOSQUITO
Dave attacked the others, then I hit him.
He fell over and hit his head…there was so much blood.
(begins sobbing)

LANDSHARK
so he hit his head?
That should-

A revving sound begins.

LANDSHARK
Aw, bugger. A little hit isn’t going to stop him.

KIT
He’s coming! Run!

The six flee.

INT. CORRIDOR – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is pacing around.

DAVE HOWERY
I can’t kill them all if they keep running away.
I need to trap them somehow.
I need to gather them all together.
Yes, that’s what I’ll do.
I need to gather them together.
(begins laughing insanely)
They’ll not touch you, Keira.
They’ll never touch you.

We see the cardboard cutout strapped to DAVE’s back.

DAVE HOWERY
Need to get them together.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
You know what you have to do, Dave…

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

LANDSHARK, KIT, MOSQUITO, GBW, G.BONE, and HENDRYK stumble into the Med Bay. TORQUMADA looks up from where he’s examining DIAMOND. On the other beds are the rest of the crew, all blinded and moaning.

TORQUMADA
And that makes everyone. I can’t
get a hold of Doc, Grey, Oth, or Lee.

LANDSHARK
Yes, comm’s dead. Computer’s off.
Doc and Grey are off the ship.

TORQUMADA
What the hell are we going to do?

LANDSHARK
Dave’s gone bat shit crazy again.
Something about people trying to sleep with Keira.

TORQUMADA
What else is new?

LANDSHARK
He’s trying to kill everyone.

TORQUMADA
Well…

LANDSHARK
What’s the status?

TORQUMADA
Everyone seems to be blind.
I’m not sure why. It’s getting
progressively worse, in any case.

LANDSHARK
They’re getting more blind?

TORQUMADA
No, it seems their eyeballs are atrophying.
In a few hours they’ll be useless.

LANDSHARK
Well, you can grow new ones, right?

TORQUMADA
No.

LANDSHARK
Shit. What can we do to reverse it?

TORQUMADA
Not everything can be reversed.

LANDSHARK
Of course it can. There isn’t a disease,
virus, or STD we’ve not miraculously
come up with a cure for in a few
stressed hours.

TORQUMADA
I don’t see how we can…

LANDSHARK
Now, we have to discover what caused this.
Is there anything they all shared? Partook in?

TORQUMADA
I’m not sure.

G.BONE
There was that big
shipment of porn we got in.
Everyone took some.

KIT
There was porn?

G.BONE
Mostly heterosexual porn.

KIT
Mostly? Where’d the
non heterosexual porn go?

G.BONE
GBW? You know?

GBW
Shut up.

LANDSHARK
Quiet, children.
Tell me, where is this porn located?

G.BONE
Everywhere, I guess.
But the container is still
in the Teleportation Tube Room.

LANDSHARK
We’ll need to examine that container.
It might give us some clues.

KIT
Playing detective now, are you?

LANDSHARK
Shut up, kitten. I’m thinking.

Suddenly there’s a squeal as the comm unit comes on.

VOICE
Hi, everyone. This is Leo,
I’m back online.

KIT
Leo? You sound funny.

VOICE
I had to reroute my vocal
processors through a few
different circuits. So its
making me sound funny.

KIT
You sound like Dave
trying to sound like Leo.

VOICE
Now, why would I do that?

KIT
Dunno, but its creeping me out.

LANDSHARK
Leo. Can you contact Doc
or Grey or Oth or Lee?

VOICE
Sorry, no outside communications.
Dave really did a number on them.
He’s so awesome and knows all about how to cripple
the ship easily. It only took him five minutes.
He’s super awesome.

KIT
Leo?

VOICE
You all need to come to the mess hall.
I can teleport you all off the ship in the mess hall.

LANDSHARK
This is giving me that not right
feeling in my bowels.

KIT
Can’t you just teleport us all out of the-

LANDSHARK
Kit no!

KIT
(cont)
med bay. We’re all in the med bay.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

VOICE
Med Bay, eh? You’re all in the med bay.
And I was looking to gather you all up in the Mess Hall.
Everyone sit tight, I’ll be right there.

KIT
How can you come here, I thought
you were still in the ship’s computers…

LANDSHARK
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

KIT
What?

LANDSHARK
That wasn’t Leo. That was Dave
pretending to be Leo. Now you’ve
just gone and told him where we all are.

KIT
So?
What is he going to do?

Suddenly the door to the Med Bay begins sparking and the roar of a chainsaw can be heard from outside.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

TORQUMADA
What are we going to do? That door can’t
hold him. Not in his bat shit crazy state.

LANDSHARK
We need to cure the crew and
we need to get Keira back onto the ship.

KIT
What’s Keira going to do?

LANDSHARK
Dave went bat shit crazy
when Keira left.
What do you think?

KIT
Oh… right.
Jesus, talk about issues.

TORQUMADA
Get me a sample of the porn; I’ll see if I can identify
any contaminates on it that caused this blindness.

LANDSHARK
Kit. You get a sample of that container.
I’ll get Dave’s attention.

KIT
Oh, huzzah. I get to get porn.

TORQUMADA
Just don’t touch it. Here wear these gloves.

LANDSHARK
Right.
On the count of three. We make our escape.

INT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MED BAY – DAY

KIT and LANDSHARK duck out through a side door.

LANDSHARK
Now you run. I’ll get his attention.

KIT
How?

LANDSHARK
Leave that to me.

KIT races off down the corridor.

DAVE HOWERY is being showered with sparks as he cuts through the med bay door.

DAVE HOWERY
Kill you all.
Kill you all.

LANDSHARK
Hey, Dave!

DAVE HOWERY doesn’t hear him.

LANDSHARK
Oi! Asshat!

DAVE HOWERY still doesn’t hear him.

LANDSHARK
I slept with Keira!
And she loved every moment of it!
Said she’d never been satisfied like that before!
I did such unholy things to her!
I even-

The buzzing of the chainsaw has stopped and DAVE HOWERY stares at LANDSHARK, a look of pure hatred in his face.

LANDSHARK
Aw, fuck.

LANDSHARK turns and runs.

EXT – HUB – OUTSIDE HOTEL – DAY

STRATEGYGIRL and DOCTOR WHAT are standing out side the door.

STRATEGYGIRL
So, this is me.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right.

STRATEGYGIRL
You want to come up?

DOCTOR WHAT
For coffee?

STRATEGYGIRL
No. Just sex.

DOCTOR WHAT
(stunned)
Huh?
(suspicious)
You want to have sex with me?

STRATEGYGIRL
Why do you keep sounding so suspicious?

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re so pretty..
It’s just.. unnatural.

STRATEGYGIRL
So you coming up or not?

DOCTOR WHAT
You need not ask me twice.

DOCTOR WHAT races for the Hotel door, already pulling off his shirt.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

LANDSHARK turns a corner and runs into OHTNIEL.

LANDSHARK
Oth! What the fuck are you-
Hey, you’re not blind!

OTHNIEL
What? What’s going on?
What do you mean blind?

LANDSHARK
Everyone on the ship is blind.
Dave has gone rat in a tin shithouse crazy again.

OTHNIEL
That would explain all the screaming that disrupted
my early early morning, early morning, morning,
mid morning, late mid morning, early afternoon,
afternoon, mid afternoon, late afternoon prayers.

LANDSHARK
Yes. Now Dave’s chasing me, Kit’s gone to the
Teleportation Room to find out what caused this.
It seems a container of porn arrived and somehow
infected the crew with blindness.

OTHNIEL
It’s the unholy touching they do when they gaze
upon the unclothed flesh of women.
This is God’s will.

LANDSHARK
Right. Right.
What I need you to do is get off the ship and
go find Keira at the spa she and Yuppie went to.
We need her back, she’s the only one that’ll calm down Dave.

OTHNIEL
I suppose.

LANDSHARK
Unless you want to be Dave bait?

OTHNIEL
No, I’ll go.

OTHNIEL hurries off.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

DAVE HOWERY stops and pants, leaning against a bulkhead.

DAVE HOWERY
Fast, for a Englishman.
He said such horrible things. He needs to die.
I have to kill him.
He said such horrible things.

DAVE HOWERY rises up and staggers down the corridor.

CARDBOARD CUTOUT
You know what you have to do, Dave.
Only you can do it, Dave.

INT. – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK bursts into the room.

LANDSHARK
Damn it, Kit. What’s taking so bloody long.

There’s a whimpering sound and KIT sits in the corner, head buried in his knees.

LANDSHARK
What the hell are you doing?

KIT looks up and we see his eyes are milked over.

LANDSHARK
AW, BLOODY FUCKING HELL!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!

KIT
I couldn’t help myself. There was this
GQ ad on the second page and…

LANDSHARK
Bloody hell!
Give me your gloves!

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

LANDSHARK and KIT exit the Teleportation Room. LANDSHARK is carrying a piece of the container wrapped in plastic and held with the gloves.

Suddenly the revving of the chainsaw can be heard.

DAVE HOWERY
LANDSHARK!!!!!

LANDSHARK
Aw, crap.

KIT
He’s coming!
He’s coming!

LANDSHARK
Shut up and he won’t hear you.
We just keep going.

They scurry down the corridor, the sound of the chainsaw stalking them.

LANDSHARK
We’re almost there.

Suddenly DAVE HOWERY jumps in front of them.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you all!

LANDSHARK
Run!

KIT runs and slams into the bulkhead, knocking himself out.

LANDSHARK
Fuck

LANDSHARK drops the container and strips off the gloves.

LANDSHARK
Now, its you and me, colonial wanker.
A fight to the death.
And I meant everything I said about Keira.

DAVE HOWERY
(screaming)
I’ll kill you!

He charges.

LANDSHARK dodges the first wild sweep of the chainsaw, slugging DAVE HOWERY in the stomach. He’s rewarded with a grunt of pain, but gets backhanded by DAVE. LANDSHARK goes flying, bouncing off the bulkhead and collapsing on the deck.

LANDSHARK
Shit.

He gets back up.

LANDSHARK
That all you got?

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll kill you!!!!

DAVE HOWERY charges again. LANDSHARK dodges the wild swing again, rolling to his feet behind DAVE, who slashes his chainsaw into the bulkhead. Its stuck there and he tries pulling it free.

LANDSHARK runs up and kicks DAVE in the crotch, which causes him to emit a low pitch squeal of pain, but not let go of the chainsaw. Instead DAVE kicks back, connecting with LANDSHARK’s stomach and sending the man flying away from him.

LANDSHARK
Aw, hell.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ll just kill you the old fashioned way.

DAVE HOWERY releases his chainsaw and grabs LANDSHARK by the neck.

DAVE HOWERY
Die! DIE! DIEEEE!!!!

LANDSHARK gropes for a weapon, he grabs KIT’s flip flop and begins hitting DAVE with it. To no effect. His attempts go weaker and weaker.

DAVE HOWERY
Die! Die! Di-

Suddenly DAVE’s eyes roll up in the back of his head and he collapses upon LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
Ow…
What the hell?

WEAPON M
Looked like you needed some help there, dude.

LANDSHARK
Where the hell have you been?
And why aren’t you blinded?

WEAPON M
Blinded?

LANDSHARK
You didn’t touch the porn did you?
Or the container it came in?

WEAPON M
Oh, that. Yeah, I got me a handful of it.

LANDSHARK
Then why aren’t you blind.

WEAPON M shrugs.

LANDSHARK
Everyone who touched the porn went blind.

WEAPON M
Guess I’m immune.
(grins)
I took some of the porn that came in,
got in the mood, so I went out and
picked up some chicks at the Pub,
had me some fun, and now I’m
just getting back.

LANDSHARK
(pushes Dave off of him)
No. Not immune. It just means you had
a little self-control and didn’t beat yourself
into a pulp like the rest of these stupid gits.
I suspect the blindness was not caused by the
porn itself, but by the combination of the porn
and the self-groping. What insidious mind
would come up with such a thing?

WEAPON M
Dude, guess they’re right.
Beat your meat and you’ll go blind.
But have sex with women of loose virtues
and morals and you’ll be fine.

LANDSHARK
Yeah, yeah. What the hell
are we going to do now?

WEAPON M
Guess we’ll have to tie up, Dave.

LANDSHARK
Lemme give this sample to Torq first.

The two enter the Med Bay and they see Torq sitting forlornly in a chair.

LANDSHARK
Torq, we got your sample.

TORQUMADA looks up and we see his eyes are milked over.

LANDSHARK
Aw, fucking hell!

INT. – MAIN ENTRANCE – HUB DAY SPA – DAY

OTHNIEL enters the day spa, out of breath. He bends over double, gasping for air.

GREETER
Can I help you, sir?

OTHNIEL looks up and is presented with a scantly clad woman.

His mouth opens and he doesn’t make a sound.

His eyes wander the main entrance and its filled with scantly clad men and women. His eyes about bug out.

GREETER
Sir?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Oth? What’s wrong?

OTHNIEL’s gaze falls upon KEIRA KNIGHTLY, who’s also scantly clad.

His mouth drops further.

Then he faints.

INT. – HOTEL ROOM – DAY

STRATEGYGIRL is seeing pulling on her clothes. DOCTOR WHAT is lying in the bed, curled up in a fetal position. We can see him shake and quiver every now and then.

STRATEGYGIRL
How you feeling?

DOCTOR WHAT
(whimpers)

STRATEGYGIRL
What? You didn’t like that?

DOCTOR WHAT
(whimpers)

STRATEGYGIRL
You can stay in the room.
It’s paid until tomorrow morning.

DOCTOR WHAT
(whimpers)

STRATEGYGIRL
Be seeing you, Doc.
(grins)

DOCTOR WHAT
(begins sobbing)

STRATEGYGIRL leaves the room, DOCTOR WHAT buries himself in the bed sheets.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CAPTAIN’S READY ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, and LANDSHARK are sitting in the room, sipping tea.

DOCTOR WHAT
So Dave’s under control now?

LANDSHARK
Yeah, once Keira got back onboard he settled down.
Apologized for nearly killing everyone.

GREY WOLF
(laughs)
Some people are just down right strange.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, glad to see no one got hurt.

GREY WOLF
Torq says in about two days everyone will get their vision back.
Thande claimed it was similar to the combination of chemicals
that turned that one world we visited blind.
Just a more sophisticated version. Torq whipped
up a cure and the crew’ll be back to their usual in a few days.

DOCTOR WHAT
And the porn?

GREY WOLF
Oth gleefully burned it all.
Then strangely went blind afterward.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
Anyone taking claim for this little misadventure?

GREY WOLF
Nope.
All’s quiet.

LANDSHARK
Maybe it’s just a wonky accident.

DOCTOR WHAT
Porn laced with a blindness chemical
delivered randomly to our ship?
I think not.
There’s an insidious evil mind working here.

GREY WOLF
So how did your little romp go?

DOCTOR WHAT
Romp?

GREY WOLF
I say you heading off with the attractive young woman.
And you didn’t come in until this morning.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shivers)
She didn’t turn out to be what she appeared to be…

LANDSHARK
What? Was she a man?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shudders)
No. something worse.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

WARD and GRIMM REAPER sit at a table. A figure sits before them, the chemical burned MIRROR THANDE.

WARD
You said the blindness was permanent.

MIRROR THANDE
What can I say? My counterparts can whip up miracle cures.
We’re all geniuses like that.

WARD
I’m only giving you half.

MIRROR THANDE
Whatever. Just give me my money.

GRIMM REAPER slides a briefcase across the table.

MIRROR THANDE looks at it.

MIRROR THANDE
One that isn’t packed with exploding hamsters.

GRIMM REAPER sighs and pushes a different brief case across the table.

MIRROR THANDE
(rolls eyes)
One that isn’t filled with molesting tentacles.

GRIMM REAPER
It seems my tricks are getting well known.

GRIMM REAPER pushes a briefcase across the table.

MIRROR THANDE
Nice doing business with you.
Hope to do it again.

WARD
Send my regards to your captain.

MIRROR THANDE nods and walks off. Another figure slides into the seat before WARD. WARD covers his eyes.

STRATEGYGIRL
That was actually fun, y’know?

WARD
(eyes covered)
I’m glad you enjoyed that.
Pay her, Grimm.
No, don’t try to kill her,
just pay her.

GRIMM REAPER sighs and pushes a briefcase across the table.

STRATEGYGIRL
I think I’ve ruined him for any other woman.
You should have heard his weeping.

WARD
(eyes covered)
I’m glad. But you underestimate him.
He’ll be back in the saddle in a few days.

STRATEGYGIRL
Then why?

WARD
(eyes covered)
Because I felt like it.
Now, if you don’t mind.
Please leave.

STRATEGYGIRL gets up and leaves.

GRIMM REAPER
Well, she was an attractive girl.

WARD
Yeah, but she ain’t what she appears.
Trust me, just don’t look at her for too long.
You’ll regret it.

GRIMM REAPER
(shakes head)
So now instead of just outright
trying to shoot the AH.commers,
we’re just messing with their minds?

WARD
Oh, this is just the opening number
for what I have in plan for them.

GRIMM REAPER
Sounds insidious.

WARD
It is.
Just you wait.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS