TEASER

MONTAGE

MERRYPRANKSTER and DRACONIS_NOIR playing cards.

MERRYPRANKSTER, DUQUESNE, and DRACONIS_NOIR playing HALO on a big-screen TV in the CF.net lounge.

MERRYPRANKSTER, DUQUESNE, DRACONIS_NOIR, and N_RED wandering through the Hub, oohing and awing.

The CF shuttle retreating towards the damaged CF ship. Particle beams slash into it.

The CF shuttle burning, falling towards the desert floor. There’s a massive explosion…

SARAH and AHMED escorted through the CF.net by MERRYPRANKSTER, who shows them all the gadgets.

The frozen corpses of SARAH and AHMED, still clinging to each other, floating in deep space

A tall slender Asian woman rushes away from MERRYPRANKSTER, weeping. MERRY follows, pleading, but is ignored. He turns towards the CF.net ship, where ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS is waiting.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS
(dream-like voice)
You wimp! Just pick her up and carry her aboard!
She’ll stop crying eventually.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(sadness turning to rage)
SHUT UP!

Fast as lightning, he draws his katana and strikes ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS on the side of the head with the flat of the blade. ROMULUS goes down. MERRY climbs up the ramp as if he is going to abandon his subordinate, looks back towards ROMULUS, sighs, and drags him aboard.

The sounds of gunshots, blood pooling, and the angry face of LUAKEL standing over him.

INT. MERRYPRANKSTER’S QUARTERS, CF.NET SHIP

MERRYPRANKSTER wakes up screaming. He lies on his back, eyes wide with fright. His breathing slowly returns to normal.

His face twists in fury.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE DUEL ON THE LAVA PLANET”

Written By : MERRYPRANKSTER

ACT I

INT. – THE HUB – THE PUB – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting at a bar that is not the Ouroboros, sipping an umbrella drink. He looks around and can see others watching him, pointing at him and talking in hushed voices.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering to himself)
Bad idea coming back here.
Damn Grey and his “We need to make amends” speech.
Where the hell is he anyway?
(shakes head)

A MYSTERIOUS STRANGER in a cloak and hood approaches. He reaches forward and taps DOCTOR WHAT on the shoulder.

DOCTOR WHAT looks surprised. He spins around and sees that the stranger is IAN.

IAN shushes him before he can speak.

IAN
We need to talk

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah. I think we need to.
IAN , I’m so-

IAN
Not about that.

DOCTOR WHAT is somewhat surprised.

DOCTOR WHAT
But-

IAN rolls his eyes.

IAN
As I’ve said repeatedly, I’m not holding what happened against you.
You’d be surprised how many people get taken over and controlled
by the ASBs o wreck havoc in places the can’t go.
(beat)
Still, if you absolutely must do something
to redeem yourself, I have a plan. I need you to do something for me.

He begins whispering in DOCTOR WHAT’s ear.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

The AH.commers are assembled. They’re all chattering excitedly about something. DOCTOR WHAT walks to the front of the large circular table.

DOCTOR WHAT
(clears throat)
I was down at the pub, and
guess who showed up?

HENDRYK
(excited)
It is a sign! The Dark Lady who killed WHAT
and fulfilled the prophecies has returned…

DOCTOR WHAT shushes him.

DOCTOR WHAT
No. It was IAN .

The group falls silent.

DIAMOND
I see he didn’t kick your ass,
so it must be a good thing. Right?
Or are you dead and a ghost haunting
this ship, ‘cause that’d be lame.

DOCTOR WHAT
No. He said we were forgiven.

GREY WOLF
See, I told you he’d see reason.

OTHNIEL
Ian is very compassionate and understanding.
If I didn’t know better I’d think he was following WWJD.

DOCTOR WHAT
He offered us a job.

HENDRYK
Good. We’ve been running low on cash.
Someone’s been dipping into it for and
using it for shopping trips to the Hub.

Everyone looks at LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
Wasn’t me this time, arsehats.
Was the ham fisted engineer we have.

Everyone looks at DAVE HOWERY.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, my girl likes shiny things.
Especially when they shine of gold.

OTHNIEL
What do we need to do?

DOCTOR WHAT
IAN needs us to go to an abandoned ASB
outpost and retrieve a super-weapon.

The assembled crew is silent for a long moment.

MICHAEL
So this is some kind of crap mission based sci fi game now?
What next, we go hunting for magical stones from some lost civilization?
Will we get bonus points if we complete this mission fast?3
What will the boss be like at the end of the level?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(ignoring Michael)
Are you sure that’s a good idea…considering
what happened last time we got involved with the ASBs?

LEO CAESIUS
The world has a 99.5% chance
of being abandoned by the ASBs.
(beat)
A Hub scout has already reconnoitered it.
However, they don’t want to send
a large fleet to take possession of
the weapon for fear of tipping the ASBs off.

DOCTOR WHAT draws a data cartridge from his pocket and plugs it into the ship’s console. The image of a black fiery planet studded with ancient metallic structures appears on the central plasma screen.

LEO CAESIUS
Here’s the place.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(unhappy at the idea of going there)
Jeez, a lovely little hellhole, ain’t it?

DOCTOR WHAT
If we can get the weapon before the ASBs can activate it,
it could help the Hub immensely.

MATT
What sort of weapon is it?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
IAN described it as “blood-drinking
mega-weapon capable
of wiping out entire armies if kept
adequately fed with human sacrifices.”
(shakes his head)
Eew, eew, eew.

WEAPON M
Just curious…where IS this place?
It’s surely not an alternate Earth.
Seems a bit small and it don’t got a moon.

LEO CAESIUS
It’s located in a TL where the Mars-sized
body that struck the Earth and carved out
the Pacific instead hit Mars and merged with
the planet rather than blowing it apart.
Mars is now larger and is more geologically active,
but for some reason has a breathable atmosphere.

LANDSHARK
Oh, bloody joy. We get to traipse about Mars?
I’ve got nothing that will match!

Video of the ASB facility appears on screen. The facility is an ancient complex of black stone buildings built in non-Euclidean patterns that make the eyes hurt. A volcano erupts in the background.

DOCTOR WHAT
IAN has some friends here that are coming to help replace
some of our systems, upgrade them, and all that.. We should be
ready to go in four hours.

DAVE HOWERY
Excellent. I love it when Uncle Ian makes free with the help.
I can get that damned Chinese Swing installed in my quarters now.
(glares at Psychomeltdown and G.Bone)

DIAMOND
Alright, who wants to spend the
next few hours getting shit faced
in a strip joint before we head off
and find a magical blood powered
super weapon and most likely get
killed doing so.

The Crew all follow DIAMOND.

EXT. ORBIT OF THE ALTERNATE MARS – DAY

The AH.com ship Shifts into the orbit of the alternate Mars.

INT. AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LEO CAESIUS
The planet is not as unoccupied as we hoped.

The AH crew assembled in the Control Room look about uneasily..

DOCTOR WHAT
(panicking)
I thought the facility was abandoned!
Are there ASBs down there?

LEO CAESIUS
No. It’s the CF.net.

EXT. – THE ASB FACILITY – DAY

The CF.net ship sits next to the ASB facility, a morass of angles not adding up to 180 degrees and bizarre artwork. The hum of energy shielding fills the air.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

WARD, GRIMM REAPER, and MERRYPRANKSTER sit around a table. Three-dimensional holographic schematics of the super-weapon float above the table. It is apparent that MERRYPRANKSTER and GRIMM REAPER have been arguing.

GRIMM REAPER
(sneering)
Why the hell do you care?
Afraid you’ll get picked to feed the machine?

MERRYPRANKSTER
All this is unnecessary!
(beat)
As you know, the weapon apparently
requires five quarts of blood per use,
from the same donor. That’s one
person’s entire blood supply.

GRIMM REAPER
Yeah, just one person. We’ve got plenty of people aboard
the ship. one or two fewer won’t make a difference.
(grins evilly)
We functioned just fine after WARD whacked
those little traitors you commanded.

MERRYPRANKSTER grinds his teeth. It’s obvious that was meant to hurt, and it did.

MERRYPRANKSTER
The information we have does not say that blood
necessarily has to be taken from someone living.

GRIMM REAPER
Your point?

MERRYPRANKSTER
The point is…

GRIMM REAPER
Sir. I’m second in command.

MERRYPRANKSTER
The point, sir , is that we can probably go raid a morgue
for corpses and drain their blood. If we’re in a TL where they’ve
never invented embalming, we can probably raid graveyards.

WARD chooses this moment to interject.

WARD
Shut the hell up, both of you.
You bicker like damned little children.
Use your head, Grimm, and think.
Merry, quit being such a whining little shit
We got hold of this weapon and
if the time comes to use if, then we’ll do
what is necessary to activate it.
If What comes, or the ASB, or Ian,
or anybody.

MERRYPRANKSTER
But sir, how likely are they to come here ? With the exception of that
business with the Devourer, their general M.O. is to run away from us,
not come to us.

WARD
Not paying attention to details and not anticipating
possible outcomes is why I’m in command and you’re not.

It takes a visible effort on MERRYPRANKSTER’s part to keep his expression neutral, but he does.

WARD
I know the chance of it happening is small,
but they could drop in. I want to be
ready for them if they do, since if they detect us,
they’ll likely run away. They’re coming here
in the first place will mean they were directed here,
their running away will mean that they’re running
to tell someone we’re here. Which means Ian.
Which means the ASB will know. Which means
we’ll be shit outta luck when either one of those
come after us. I ain’t putting much faith in the
super weapon, I’ve seen too many of them
not work when you need ‘em.
(beat)
Still, I’ll consider both of your ideas. I’m not
gonna sacrifice good crew unnecessarily.
(to MerryPrankster)
Get the hell outta here..

MERRYPRANKSTER slinks out.

INT. CF.NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER walks down the corridor. DOMINUSNOVUS and FAEELIN catch up with him.

DOMINUSNOVUS
What’s going on in there? What’s he going to do?

FAEELIN
He’s been acting all weird since we got here
and found that weapon.

MERRYPRANKSTER turns to face them. We don’t see his expression but the two CF.netters do, and it scares them.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(gravely)
You two make yourself scarce. I have a sneaking
suspicion WARD’s going to do something very nasty.

MERRYPRANKSTER turns towards a hatch, which slides open to reveal the planetary surface. He exits the ship, leaving the two behind.

FAEELIN
You remember what happened
during the last battles with the Neanderthals?

DOMINUSNOVUS looks a little queasy.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Yeah…something bad is going to happen.
Took me damn near two months to finally
get my air vent working right.

MERRYPRANKSTER looks up towards the stars. Suddenly, he spots something fiery coming down. It gets larger as it approaches the ground, and MERRY can see the faint outlines of

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The ship is descending through the atmosphere.

CLOSE-UP: MERRYPRANKSTER

He narrows his eyes thoughtfully.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Now this could be useful indeed.

EXT. AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com ship has set down on the planet’s surface and the crew has set up shield generators. They’re now sitting around the campfire, laughing, drinking beer, and roasting marshmallows.

WEAPON M
So, did I ever tell you about…

EVERYONE
(groaning with exasperation)
The time you had a threesome?

WEAPON M
With two guys?

The assembled crew gasps with shock. KIT leans forward, a bit too interested.

KIT
Care for another?

WEAPON M looks ill.

WEAPON M
Just joking.

Meanwhile

EXT. – OUTSIDE THE AH.COM CAMPSITE – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER lurks in the shadows, watching the happy AH.commers with envious eyes. He reaches into the front pocket of his Hawaiian shirt and pulls out.

A SHARK’S TOOTH NECKLACE

He stares at the necklace.

KIMBERLY LIANG
(echoy flashback voice)
Keep it. It was a gift.
(beat)
It’s a reminder of who you used to be,
and who you could be again…

He sighs and replaces the necklace in his pocket. Then he steps out of the shadows into the firelight.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER is not met with open arms. Within seconds, he’s got enough AH.com firepower aimed at him to level a small city.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Boo.
(beat)
Don’t worry. I come in peace.
If I wanted bloodshed,
I wouldn’t be this obvious.

The AH.commers don’t look convinced.

DOCTOR WHAT
What do you want?

MERRYPRANKSTER
I’ve come to propose an alliance.
Just like back when MIKE and MOLOBO
showed up and wrecked the Hub.

DOCTOR WHAT
You had WARD and the others with you
last time. Where are they now?

MERRYPRANKSTER
I’m here representing three people.
Me, myself, and I.
(beat)
Well, and the best interests
of the CF.net crew as a whole.

DOCTOR WHAT
(laughs)
Fuck the CF.net crew.
I hope they all die painful, painful deaths.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(frowning)
As you no doubt suspect, WARD found the weapon.
And he wants to use it. On y’all.

DOCTOR WHAT
You want to stop it. Why?

MERRYPRANKSTER
He’s been talking about sacrificing crew to feed it.
(beat)
Well, GRIMM has, and
I think WARD is beginning to agree.

DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON M exchange glances.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Therefore, it’s time to take action.
(beat)
I suspect support for a second mutiny
from the rest of the crew will not be forthcoming, so…

WEAPON M
You turned to us, to fight your battles for you.

MERRYPRANKSTER snorts.

MERRYPRANKSTER
For assistance. I assure you, none of us aboard
the CF.net need anyone to fight our battles for us.
We do quite well on our own.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait… second mutiny against WARD?

MERRYPRANKSTER
The first one did not…go well.
(beat)
Let’s leave it at that.
(He shudders.)

MATT
I saw we kill this asshat right
here where he stands.
Then we bomb the fuck outta
Ward and the rest of the CF.netters.

WEAPON M
Gotta agree with Matt on this one.
Like you said, Doc, fuck the Cf.net.
If they wanna kill off some of their own crew,
it’s all the better for us. Just
means we’ll have less to kill later.

MATT
I think we’re all over looking the
fact that this bastard kicked our
asses and cut Luakel in half. That
in itself deserves a little death for him.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Fine .
(beat)
I understand your hesitation.

DOCTOR WHAT
Matt, Lee, Grey, I need to talk to you.

DOCTOR WHAT and the others walk off a distance. There are plenty of arm raising, yelling, and finally they come back. MATT and WEAPON M looking a bit dejected.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re listening.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(nods)
Alright. I have a plan.

EXT. CF.NET SHIP

MERRYPRANKSTER makes his way back to the CF.net landing zone. WARD is waiting there.

WARD
Don’t wander off boy. You might come back
to find your job belonging to someone else and
whatever passes for worms on this hellhole in need of food.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Understood, sir.

WARD
What’s that smell?
(narrows his eyes)
You stink of WHAT.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I was just about to tell you. The AH.com has landed nearby.
It seems you were correct that they just might drop in.

WARD nods to himself, looking at the horizon.

WARD
Where are they?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Two miles to the southeast. They’ve set up
shields, so we’ll have to attack them on foot.

WARD’s grin becomes even more evil.

WARD
Excellent.
(beat)
We’ll deploy the device against them tomorrow.

He turns and boards the ship leaving MERRY standing alone. MERRY is looking very, very scared.

EXT. – NEAR THE CF.NET LANDING ZONE – MORNING

The AH.commers approach the CF.net shield.

MATT
All right. MERRY said that he’s disabled the alarms connected to the
shield generators. We’ll be able to pass through without alerting anyone.

He steps forward and plants a device close to the shield. He presses a button and bolts of electricity surge into the shield. Slowly, a gap opens up. MATT holds his breath, waiting to see if the CF.netter kept his promise.

Nothing happens. He leaps through the shield, BFG forward. Nothing happens.

DOCTOR WHAT approaches the shield. He passes through the gap.

DOCTOR WHAT
It works.

He leaps back through the gap.

DOCTOR WHAT
They can’t detect us! This is so cool!

MATT clears his throat.

MATT
Let’s not tempt fate.

EXT. – CF.NET SHIP—MORNING

The CF.net crew, with the notable exception of the Engineering group, is assembled in front of the ASB complex. WARD stands at a podium in front of the vaulted entrance, GRIMM REAPER stands at his right and MERRYPRANKSTER at his left.

WARD
The death of WHAT and the complete
annihilation of the AH.commers is nigh!
Those hippies are encamped mere miles
from our position, and are completely unaware!
(raises fist in the air)
Once the engineering crew tears that
weapon out of that mountainside, we go to war!

The assembled CF.netters roar with adulation.

Then MERRYPRANKSTER makes his move.

Quick as lightning, he draws his pistol and opens fire on WARD.

Slow motion follow: the bullets towards WARD. Suddenly, a great black form leaps in their path, and the bullets punch through the black outer layer to bury themselves in flesh.

GRIMM REAPER hits the ground at WARD’s feet. He’d thrown himself into the path of the bullets, taking the shots in the torso. He lays still, blood trickling from his mouth. WARD turns, and looks un-amused to see GRIMM bleeding at his feet. MERRYPRANKSTER remains cool. He scowls, unhappy that he missed his intended victim.

CLOSE-UP: WARD’S FACE

His shock turns to rage.

WARD
You…treacherous…little…piece…of

EXT. – THE ASB COMPLEX – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER isn’t intimidated by the commander’s rage.

MERRYPRANKSTER
How about you tell them about your little plan,
you evil old bastard? Tell them about it!
I think they all need to hear!

WARD
(salmly fold arms across chest)
Which one? Unlike you, I’ve always
got a backup plan.

MERRYPRANKSTER
The one about a lottery, with the lucky
winner being fed to the alien weapon.
(beat)
Of course, you and GRIMM weren’t going to be
participating in the lottery, only the minions .

Gasps of horror ripple through the CF.net crowd.

WARD
(laughs)
You really thought I’d do that?
Feed crew to some thing ?
(beat)
That’s what civvies are for. Especially politicians .

MERRYPRANKSTER raises an eyebrow.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You have been known.
(raises voice)
Come on people! If we don’t do
something now, he’s going
to feed us one by one to that evil thing
the engineering crew is pulling out the ASB base.
(beat)
Who’s with me!

No one steps forward.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(surprised)
But…
(snorts with disdain)
Figures. Bunch of frakking weaklings.

WARD
You self righteous little shit.
Don’t you think they remember your last little ‘coup’?
(beat)
This batch ain’t as stupid as the last one, kid.

MERRYPRANKSTER’s eyes narrow and his expression goes neutral.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Well then, if you want to do something right,
you’ve got to do it yourself.

WARD
(cold as ice)
There will be no mercy this time.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Agreed.

MERRYPRANKSTER raises his gun. Before he can shoot, WARD pulls out his .357 and fires from the hip. The shots smash smashes MERRY’s gun.

Unfazed, MERRYPRANKSTER draws his sword. WARD only grins, reholsters his gun and picks up GRIMM’s scythe.

WARD
Fucking punk kids.

“The Duel” begins.

The reactions of the CF.net crew are mixed. Most of them are terrified. BULGAROKTONOS watches, calculating the odds. ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS stands to the side, God-modding, as usual.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS
I leap into battle…I kick MERRYPRANKSTER in the crotch.
WARD beats him to death and gives me all his stuff…

However, he makes no move to assist WARD and the battle continues.

EXT – BEHIND A NEARBY RIDGE – DAY

The AH.commers watch the battle.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now’s our chance!
If you get the shot, kill them both.

MATT
My kind of plan.
(grins)

EXT. THE CF.NET LANDING ZONE – DAY

The AH.commers boil over the ridge, guns blazing. The CF.netters spin and open fire. A large battle begins.

DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, and KIT slip into the ASB complex.

DOCTOR WHAT
we find this weapon, disable it,
and get the hell out of here.

KIT
Why don’t I have a gun?

LANDSHARK
You’re just here to make us
look good while we kick arse.

KIT
Always glad to be of service.

They enter the complex. KIT suddenly trips over something, crashing against the door. There’s deep sound of something being tripped.

The AH.commers look at one another.

EXT. – THE ASB COMPLEX – DAY

Alarms begin going off. All combatants—AH and CF alike—freeze and look at the facility.

The grinding of gears begins echoing from within the complex.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

EXT. THE ENTRYWAY

Red eyes glow in the darkness. One by one, ROBOTIC SOLDIERS begin tramping out into the faint glare of the distant sun. MIDGARD, who has taken cover behind a stalagmite, is incredulous.

MIDGARD
Shit…those weren’t statues?

EXT. THE ASB COMPLEX

MATT looks up from the fallen SCARECROW.

MATT
Oh crap.

The robots—fast-moving things studded with blades and wielding swords and lasers—begin attacking all humans indiscriminately.

INT. THE ASB COMPLEX – DAY

The AH.commers are in a dark maze illustrated with bizarre alien art. Most of it is incomprehensible, and the stuff that the human mind can fathom is downright scary.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. Did LEO supply maps of
the interior of the fortress?

Everyone shakes their head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it.

Then, suddenly, other voices intrude on the scene.

VOICE #1
Are you sure you silenced the beacon?

VOICE #2
You’re damn right I am.
I saw what the ASBs did to the Hub.

DOCTOR WHAT silently gestures towards the source of the sound.

KIT
Let’s get the thing and get out of here.
These non-Euclidean angles are giving me vertigo.

INT. THE CRYPT OF THE ALIEN WEAPON

The alien weapon—an obsidian monstrosity with lots of hooks and sharp angles—is connected to the wall by a series of cables. FORTYSEVEN and KILNGIRL are hard at work disconnecting the weapon from its tomb.

The AH.commers burst in, weapons drawn. The CF.netters are clearly outmatched and surrender easily.

DOCTOR WHAT
That was easy.
(to the CF.netters)
Thanks for excavating the thing.
We’ll be taking it now.

EXT. – ASB COMPLEX – DAY

Things are getting ugly . The AH-CF battle has quickly turned into “all humans against the ASB robots.”

The humans are not without success. MATT and WEAPON M have swept their section of the field clean with their various heavy weapons. ROMULUS_AUGUSTUS has taken down several ROBOTIC SOLDIERS with head-shots from his big Soviet pistol. MIDGARD furiously riffs on his guitar, causing ROBOTIC SOLDIERS to explode left and right.

Robots keep marching out of the complex, and not all human hatreds have been quenched…

MERRYPRANKSTER has just torn his oil-drenched samurai sword free of a ROBOTIC SOLDIER’s torso. He spots WARD, who has just sliced off the head of another ROBOTIC SOLDIER with GRIMM’s scythe.

Their eyes meet. Their gazes twist with fury. They begin hacking their way through ROBOTIC SOLDIERS, AH, and CF to face each other.

They collide at

THE RIM OF A LAVA CANYON

“The Duel” begins again.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS has an inspiration.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS
The AH.commers went into the complex just before
the robots came alive. DOMINUS, FAEELIN,
you take them from the rear.

FAEELIN
If they went inside, the robots in there
have already killed them.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Yeah. And I’m not taking anything from the rear.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS glares.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS
I load my big Soviet pistol. I chamber some rounds…

BOTH CF.NETTERS
All right we’ll go!

INT. – THE ALIEN WEAPON CHAMBER

The CF.NET ENGINEERS are tied up, and some of their ropes are tied to the pins of grenades. IRONYUPPIE checks one of the knots one last time.

IRONYUPPIE
I won’t recommend struggling
too much if I were you.
Shrapnel can leave a nasty mark.

She gives KILNGIRL a kiss. Then she turns to LANDSHARK.

IRONYUPPIE
All right, let’s get this monster moving.

Both of them bend down to grab corners.

IRONYUPPIE
On the count of three. One…

LANDSHARK
Two…

BOTH AT THE SAME TIME
Three!

They both hoist the alien weapon off the ground.

Meanwhile, DOCTOR WHAT has been staring at the weapon’s shiny surface.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wow. I can see myself in it.

DOMINUSNOVUS and FAEELIN come up behind him. Their guns are drawn.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Dude, so can I. And I used to be soooo handsome
and now I’m ugly !!
(tear rolls down cheek)
Put that blood-drinking alien weapon system down now .

The AH.commers reluctantly obey. Then IRONYUPPIE gets an idea. She begins sidling towards DOMINUSNOVUS, slowly unzipping her flak jacket.

IRONYUPPIE
Well hello sailor.

DOMINUSNOVUS begins drooling. FAEELIN snorts with disdain.

FAEELIN
Your feminine wiles won’t work on me.

KIT begins approaching, unzipping his flak jacket.

KIT
How about my masculine wiles?

Now FAEELIN is distracted. DOCTOR WHAT sneaks around behind them and gives them a shove. They stumble forward, where LANDSHARK is waiting for them with his cricket bat. It only takes one swing to put both CF.netters on the ground, out cold.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. YUPPIE and SHARKY, get the weapon.
The rest of us will run interference.

EXT. THE RIM OF THE LAVA CANYON – DAY

The MERRY-WARD battle continues.

MERRYPRANKSTER knees WARD in the crotch. WARD doubles over and MERRYPRANKSTER raises his sword for the final blow…

WARD lunges. His shoulder hits MERRY’s gut and knocks him onto the ground. In seconds, WARD’s scythe is whistling downwards in a blow meant to cut MERRY’s head off.

MERRYPRANKSTER rolls to the side. WARD’s blow hits rock instead, and cracks it. The cracks run all the way to the edge of the canyon and a big piece of the canyon edge, with MERRYPRANKSTER on it, begins to slough off.

WARD
Bye-bye, you little shit.

MERRYPRANKSTER leaps off the falling rocks and the duel resumes.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE have managed to carry the alien weapon to the AH.com ship. Unfortunately, three of the ROBOTIC SOLDIERS have followed.

LANDSHARK
Crap.

A feral grin crosses IRONYUPPIE’s face.

IRONYUPPIE
Never fought a robot before.

LANDSHARK
Let’s go, love.

The ROBOTIC SOLDIERS growl menacingly and lunge. The two AH.commers lunge.

One of the ROBOTIC SOLDIERS bears down on LANDSHARK. It opens fire with slicing laser beams, amputating the top of his cricket bat. He stares at the smoking remnants of his weapon.

LANDSHARK
Shit!

He hurls what’s left of the bat into the ROBOTIC SOLDIER’s face. The creature’s head slews to the side and it staggers, but it quickly recovers. It starts chasing LANDSHARK around the ship.

IRONYUPPIE hurls her yo-yo, wrapping it around the robots’ arms and trapping them over the robot’s head. She sends enormous amounts of electricity pumping through the yo-yo. Smoke starts rising from the robot’s body.

Then the ROBOT SOLDIER rapidly yanks its arms sideways, ripping the yo-yo cable into several pieces.

IRONYUPPIE
Shit!

She starts running. The ROBOT SOLDIER pursues.

Suddenly, the AH.com ship opens fire. The ROBOT SOLDIER pursuing LANDSHARK is blown into tiny pieces, as is the robot soldier chasing IRONYUPPIE. Only the THIRD ROBOT SOLDIER, which is carrying off the alien weapon, remains untouched.

LANDSHARK
Hey! He’s getting away!

The cargo doors of the AH.com ship open up with a squealing of metal. THANDE jumps out with a BFG. He tosses it to IRONYUPPIE.

IRONYUPPIE
Not if I have anything to say about it.

EXT – A LAVA RIVER – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER and WARD continue to fight. Now they’re fighting from rock-to-rock across the lava river. WARD leaps from a rock onto a nearby hillside.

WARD
I have the high ground, MERRY. It’s over.
(beat)
Surrender now and I’ll make your death quick.

MERRYPRANKSTER snorts with disdain.

MERRYPRANKSTER
How stupid do you think I am, old man?

He hops from the rock onto the black sand beneath WARD. He looks up at the old warrior and chuckles grimly.

MERRYPRANKSTER (CONT’D)
I’ve seen the movie too.
The primary version, and the one
from the TL where it was actually good.
(beat)
How about you come down here?

EXT. THE ASB COMPLEX – DAY

Although IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, and THE DEVICE have managed to clear the scene, the ROBOTIC SOLDIERS have cut off the AH.commers’ retreat from the battle zone.

DOCTOR WHAT rolls to the side, avoiding a laser cutting beam from a ROBOTIC SOLDIER. He fires at it with a pistol. He misses. The ROBOTIC SOLDIER fires again. DOCTOR WHAT rolls to the side, although he’s a bit too slow and the laser burns the side of his face.

He fires again, and misses.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it!

He fires a third time and, through sheer luck, hits the ROBOTIC SOLDIER in its big red eye. The creature falls convulsing to the ground.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

IRONYUPPIE stands triumphant over the wrecked ROBOTIC SOLDIERS.

IRONYUPPIE
I love the smell of burned robot in the morning.

LANDSHARK steps forward.

LANDSHARK
We’ve got the device! Now we need
to teleport the others out of there!

LEO CAESIUS (on comm.)
The shields, remember? They’ll need to get out
of the battle zone before I do anything.

EXT. – THE LAVA RIVER – DAY

WARD did come down to fight MERRYPRANKSTER. He slowly forces MERRYPRANSKTER back across the river towards the ASB complex.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Need your minions to back you up?

WARD
Hardly.

They’re back on the other side of the river and moving upwards. The riverbank is becoming a cliff.

WARD
Cowardly, traitorous weakling.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Murderous despot.

WARD
(snorts)
You little fucker. If you ever had a heart of gold,
we would have sold it to buy weapons long ago.

Angered, MERRYPRANKSTER kicks WARD in the stomach, sending him stumbling toward the very edge of the cliff. MERRY steps forward, sword to WARD’s nose. The wind pulls the wide-brimmed military hat off WARD’s head. It flutters down into the lave river where it’s instantly reduced to ash.

EXT – THE CF.NET LANDING SITE – DAY

The AH.commers have managed to break the robotic encirclement and are rushing towards the hole in the shields.

ROBOTIC SOLDIERS follow.

DOCTOR WHAT
If we get to the edge of the shield,
LEO can teleport us home!

An ASB laser strikes the ground near his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Crap!

EXT. – THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER stands with his sword drawn at WARD.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You may be right, but that all ends.
Today.

WARD grins.

WARD
Why does everyone always stop to gloat?

He lashes out with his scythe, hooking it around MERRYPRANKSTER’s sword arm. He yanks. MERRY screams and his sword and a large portion of his arm go flying:

DOWN THE CLIFF

The sword and arm bounces off some rock outcroppings before it hits the lava and burns instantaneously.

EXT. EDGE OF THE CLIFF

MERRYPRANKSTER spits in WARD’s face. WARD kicks him in the chest. MERRYPRANKSTER topples backwards, over the edge of the cliff.

WARD steps forward, eager to watch MERRYPRANKSTER burn. But before he can get a glimpse, engines roar in the distance. He spins, to see the AH.com ship rising away from the planet’s surface.

WARD
(in his communicator)
Midgard, do they have the device?

EXT. THE ASB COMPLEX – DAY

The CF.netters have finished off the remaining ASB robots. MIDGARD spots the battered and bruised DOMINUS and FAEELIN leading the ENGINEERING CREW out of the complex.

MIDGARD
Yes sir, they do.

EXT. – THE EDGE OF THE LAVA CANYON – DAY

WARD
Shit.

He makes another call.

WARD
SCARECROW, teleport us aboard.
We’ve got some WHAT-killing to do.

EXT. THE LAVA PLANET – DAY

The AH.com ship rises towards space. Behind it is the CF.net ship.

Particle beams stab from the CF.net ship. AH.com shields flare, but after mere seconds, they fail.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The ship shakes, sparks erupting from the ceiling. Everyone panics.

DOCTOR WHAT
Shit! How’d the shields go down so fast?

LEO CAESIUS
Well, we used up a lot of power maintaining
the shields even after the attack on the CF.net began.
(beat)
Wasn’t my idea.

DOCTOR WHAT
I know, I know!
(beat)
How long until we can Shift?

LEO CAESIUS
Right now.

EXT. THE LAVA PLANET – DAY

The AH.com ship disappears.

END OF ACT II

TAG

EXT. THE HUB – DOCKS – DAY

Four CONSTRUCTS carry the DEVICE away. IAN shakes DOCTOR WHAT’s hand.

IAN
Good job.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you.
(beat)
Got more missions?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN groans with dismay. DOCTOR WHAT is completely oblivious.

DOCTOR WHAT (CONT’D)
We’d like to help out the war effort any way we can.

IAN
You know how powerful ASB ships are right?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, I know. They’d kill us like insects.
I’m talking about small efforts, like if you need
someone to grab some coffee for you or something.

DIAMOND
(groans)
Damn. Alright who wants to lead a coup?

INT. CF.NET SHIP – MED BAY – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER is unconscious and on life support. Pumpkin lies in a cat bed nearby, purring. WARD stands at the head of GRIMM REAPER’s bed.

WARD
Well done, Grimm.
Well done.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS