AH.com: The Series

TEASER

INT. – HUB – MRP’S SHOPPE – DAY

THE PREVIOUS DAY

MRP sits upon a stack of books, in his hands flutters a small butterfly. From his other hand a small box appears. Carefully he places the butterfly in the box and closes it. We see GBW, FLOCCULENCIO, and MATT watching him curiously.

MRP taps the box with his index finger and it pops open. From the box three butterflys flutter into the air.

MATT
What the fuck was that?

MRP
Just felt like doing a little something awesome.

GBW
You know we’re here for
something more than mere tricks?

MRP
Tricks make life all the grander.

FLOCCULENCIO
I thought that was variety?

MRP
No that only adds spice.

MATT
What about hot chicks ready to shag you in
ways only the Kama Sutra could imagine.

FLOCCULENCIO
Trust me, that book doesn’t
got much on what I can imagine.

MATT
But I can’t see what you imagine.

FLOCCULENCIO
I can draw you pictures.

MATT
You’ll have to add someone
different for the male figure,
in those diagrams. I do not
want to imagine you in such positions.

FLOCCULENCIO
(beat)
Agreed.

The two men shake hands.

FLOCCULENCIO (cont.)
I’ll have you the first copy by mid winter.

MATT
I’ll look into an editor.

GBW
What about Psychomeltdown?

FLOCCULENCIO
(scoffing)
Him? He’s a lazy arse.
Unless you want the book to come out late
and badly edited, then we can use him.

GBW
(thoughtful pause)
You’re right.
Plus I hear he’ll just take credit for it.

MATT
Not my Flo Sutra Book!

FLOCCULENCIO
Don’t call me Flo.

MATT
Cenio?

FLOCCULENCIO
Flocc will do for now. Until I
can come up with something better.

MATT
Grand Master F?

FLOCCULENCIO
Sounds too 1980s,

GBW
Depends on what 1980s do you mean.

FLOCCULENCIO
This is the problem when everyone is from a different timeline.
You can never have a common reference point when you’re
discussing popular culture references.

MRP
Excuse me, guys?
Are you still looking for the way to stop Doctor What?

FLOCCULENCIO
Huh?

MATT
Wait, why were we here?

GBW
Umm… oh, now I remember…
Doctor What.
Acting weird.

FLOCCULENCIO
Right.

MATT
Shoot. Tell us what the hell is wrong with him.

MRP
I already told you.

GBW
Well, tell us how to stop him then.

MRP
Ah, well in that case.
(long pause)
there is something in your captain.
There is a growing darkness that will consume him,
if allowed to continue. A darkness that will not only
consume him, but will consume all the worlds in the
multiverse. Universe upon universe will be destroyed,
trillions upon trillions of people will die, the hopes and
the dreams of countless universes will cease to exist.

MATT
Shit…
(beat)
All this ‘cause Doc is crazy?

MRP
This is not mere insanity your captain suffers from.

FLOCCULENCIO
There’s also that BO problem.

GBW
And the dandruff.

FLOCCULENCIO
And the porno obsession.

GBW and MATT look at FLOCCULENCIO.

MATT
That’s not a problem.

GBW
It’s more a release valve.

FLOCCULENCIO
I think I’ll remain quiet for the remainder of this conversation.

GBW
Though I’ll hope you’ll pipe up for some constructive criticism.

FLOCCULENCIO
You can count on it.

MRP
I tire of these tangents you go on.

GBW
Sorry, you may continue.

MRP
I am trying to create a sense of drama, of foreboding,
but your continual interruptions and talking of
nonsense just defeats my attempts.

MATT
We like to fuck up other people’s plans.
Its what being an AH.commer is all about.

FLOCCULENCIO
And the booze.

GBW
And the exploration.

MRP
(sighs)
I suggest you all leave.

GBW
Leave?
But you have not told us the way to prevent
this dark future you speak of from happening.

MRP bows his head slightly and steeples his fingers, the light it the room dims. FLOCCULENCIO looks around, opens his mouth and shakes his head.

MRP
Evil cannot be dealt with.
Chaos can not be reasoned with.
This is what you are facing.
The embodiment of chaos, of destruction, of something
that goes beyond the simple concept of evil. A being so
powerful and so incomprehensible that you as mortals
can not even begin to grasp.

MATT
Jesus. This is what Doc has become?

MRP
(shakes head)
No.
Think of him as a means to an end.
A hammer to shape the things to come.

FLOCCULENCIO
So Doc’s a tool?

GBW
(miffed)
Constructive Criticism.

FLOCCULENCIO
Sorry.

MRP
Your friend has quipped correctly.
Your captain, this man you call Doc, Doctor What, Bruno,
is nothing more than a tool for these creatures.

GBW
This begs the question as to why him.

MRP
Why not him?

GBW
But why him?

MRP
Call it an opportunity that they could not let escape.

GBW
The timely arrival of the Devourer and Doc’s super heroic
attempt to save everyone by flying that ship into it’s maw?

MRP
Indeed.
He has been their tool since his return.
He has been working toward their goals since his return.

MATT
And what are these goals?

MRP
Chaos.
Destruction.
All those things that would be bad for the continual existence
of Humanity or any other creatures that inhabit the Mutliverse.

MATT
Then how can we stop him.

MRP
The same way you defeat any creature of evil.

FLOCCULENCIO
Shower them with love and witty remarks?

GBW
(bows head)
No.
(beat)
We kill them…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE COMING DAYLIGHT”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

GBW looks at the shocked faces of the crew of the crew.

TORQUMADA
You’re telling us that Doc has to die?

GBW
Death is the only way.

MICHAEL
The only way to save everyone is to kill Doctor What?

GBW
Death will release what is growing within him.
Death is not merely an annoying thing that occurs.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But we don’t want Doc to be dead.
We… you know, want to save him and have him continuing
to live and do all those sorts of things we had liked in him before.
Well, if possible can we subtract a few characteristics from him?

GBW
I did not say that he had to remain dead.
Just that he had to die.

TORQUMADA
(understanding)
Ah, dead, but not Dead Dead.

THANDE
Then this begs the question.
Who’s gonna do the dirty deed?

GBW
Everything is already set into motion.

Everyone pauses for a moment and then suddenly understand.

GREY WOLF
Ward.

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE – DAY

WARD and the CF.netter crew charge the gathered AH.commer crew.

The two forces smash into one another, almost immediately the two forces pair off in groups of fighting.

IRONYUPPIE
I call dibs on the guy wearing the dress.

GRIMM REAPER
This is not a dress.

LANDSHARK
I have much better in my collection, my dear.

GRIMM REAPER pulls out his scythe and advances.

LANDSHARK
Well, that’s a pretty big knife you got there, boyo.

GRIMM REAPER
The better to slice and dice you with.

Camera pans toward other fighting.

MATT and WEAPON M face off one another.

WEAPON M
After all this time.

MATT
I’m telling you the truth.
I’m not a traitor.

WEAPON M
I thought you were a friend?

MATT
Damn it, Lee. I am your friend.

WEAPON M
Then why?

MATT
It’s a long explanation.

WEAPON M
Then forget it.
You die now!

WEAPON M charges MATT.

MIDGARD strums his guitar. Nothing happens.

MIDGARD
Shit, well Betsy best we get this over as fast as possible.

DIAMOND charges MIDGARD swinging a baseball bat, MIDGARD blocks it with his guitar and kicks DIAMOND in the crotch, flooring him.

MIDGARD
(pulling out a flask)
This looks damned fun.
(drinks down flask)

WARD stands watching the unfolding chaos for a moment then spots DOCTOR WHAT standing near the large computer console.

WARD
Well, well, well…

HENDRYK launches himself at WARD, swinging a sword. WARD neatly dodges him and as the other man goes by, punches him in the back. HENDRYK cries out in pain, dropping sword and arching his back, WARD then punches him in the head.

He turns and continues toward DOCTOR WHAT.

KIT and FAEELIN slug it out, DAVE HOWERY comes along and smashes his non functioning admantium chainsaw into FAEELIN’s head, knocking him out.

The two turn to face ROMULUS AGUSTULUS who is standing pointing a gun at them. He pulls the trigger and nothing happens.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
What?
This is impossible!
This gun shoul-

KIT and DAVE HOWERY clothesline him, then begin kicking him as he continues trying to fire a weapon that obviously does not work.

SCARECROW and DMA face off.

SCARECROW
Ah, an Aussie.

DMA
I sense this is going to be an epic battle.

They stand and shake hands, DMA pulls out a large bottle of booze from his coat pocket, drains half of it down and then passes the rest to SCARECROW, who finishes it.

DMA
Well, the mood it set.

SCARECROW
And the rage is building.

DMA
Let’s dance!

The two step forward, standing only a yard apart. DMA throws a punch, SCARECROW’s head snaps back, but he continues to stand. Shaking his head, SCARECROW next punches DMA, who also staggers a bit, but still stands.

They continue to trade punches.

BULGARKOTONOS punches OTHNIEL, who staggers back, and is grabbed by MIDGARD, who also punches him, sending him reeling back toward BULGARKOTONOS. The two laugh as they punch him back and forth between them.

KIT spots WARD walking toward DOCTOR WHAT, who’s still tapping away at the computer.

KIT
Ward!

WARD glances at him.

KIT
Feel the wrath of AH.com!

KIT charges WARD, who stands there, watching him with slight interest.

WARD sidesteps KIT’s charge and brings about a full arm punch that has the other man crashing to the floor and unconscious.

WARD
(bellowing)
BRUNO!
We’ve got a lot to talk about.

DOCTOR WHAT looks toward WARD and steps away from the computer console.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Oh, indeed we do, Old Man.

INT. – INNER CITY – PRISON CELL – DAY

The sounds of distant boomings can be heard. MIKE COLLINS stands by his sole window looking out, he can’t see much but the glow of raging fires can be seen.

MIKE COLLINS
I know this sound.

RADICAL_NEUTRAL
Them crac heds ar getting’ the shit kicked outa dem.

MIKE COLLINS
Shut up, you.

RADICAL_NEUTRAL
But—

MIKE COLLINS raises a fist, RADICAL_NEUTRAL cowers beneath the bunk bed.

MIKE COLLINS
This can work in my favor.

RADICAL_NEUTRAL
How’s that?

MIKE COLLINS
As in-

BOOOM!

MIKE COLLINS is thrown against the wall of his cell.

He blinks his eyes and then widens them.

Before him is the shattered remains of the door that had prevented his leaving.

MIKE COLLINS
(grinning)
Well, this is nice.

RADICAL_NEUTRAL
(gasping)
Help me.
I can’t… can’t feel my legs..

MIKE COLLINS looks down at the other man, a look distaste.

MIKE COLLINS
I say find some fucking crack head to help you.

MIKE COLLINS walks out the door, singing to himself.

MIKE COLLINS
He’s a righteous man.

FADE

INT – AH.COM SHIP TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

GBW is talking to TORQUMADA, the rest of the crew is gathered about, carrying makeshift weapons.

FLOCCULENCIO
Damn, I wish Lee would have had left the armoury open.

MICHAEL
After the stealing of his calendars…

FLOCCULENCIO
I meant to give them back.. but…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
They were destroyed, huh?

FLOCCULENCIO
(hangs head)
Yes.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The same thing happened to all the Alyson Hannigan pics I had…

MICHAEL
Can we please change the subject?
I’m trying to nurse my flaggin courage here.

FLOCCULENCIO
How about ducks?
You like ducks?

MICHAEL
Fuck you.

Pan to GBW and TORQUMADA.

GBW
But we’ll need you, if Doc dies dies, then we’re in it deep.

TORQUMADA
Sorry, but I cannot just leave Luakel. He’s still in critical.

GREY WOLF
What about you teleport in when we need you?

TORQUMADA glances at G.BONE who stares at his computer console.

TORQUMADA
Depends all on that kid over there.

GREY WOLF
Hey, G.Bone you gonna be able
to teleport Torq in when we need him?

G.BONE
What? I’m not coming?

GREY WOLF
We need someone to man the Teleporters.

G.BONE
But this is like the biggest fight of the whole damn decade.

GREY WOLF
We need someone to be ready to teleport us out.

G.BONE
(sighs)
I guess so.

GREY WOLF
So will you be able?

G.BONE
Looks like I don’t have much of a choice, eh?

GREY WOLF
Doesn’t look like it.

GBW
Okay, Torq will Teleport in when we need him.
Hopefully it’ll be over and one with quickly.

GREY WOLF
I don’t much want to think of Doc dying as something
as simple as getting it over and done with.

GBW
Sorry.

GREY WOLF
No, don’t be.
It’s just… He still needs to die and I’m .. It’s gonna be
hard to just sit there and wait for it to happen

THANDE
You know it might already be too late.

The three men glare at THANDE.

THANDE
I’m just saying, the possibility does exist that Ward and his crew
may have already kill him. Along with the others that went with him.

There is a long silence.

GREY WOLF
G.Bone get the teleporter ready, you that are coming,
get ready to kick some CF.netter arse!

FLOCCULENCIO
By god, this time I’ll kick ass and
not even bother to take names!

G.BONE gives the thumbs up sign and the crew steps onto the teleportation tube pad.

GREY WOLF
Beam us away, Scotty.

G.BONE
Aye aye, sir.

G.BONE hits a button and they vanish in a loud pop.

G.BONE
I hope they come out alright.

TORQUMADA
Well, if they don’t, then that’ll probably
mean you’ll be captain of this boat.

G.BONE
Now.. I don’t know what to think!

TORQUMADA shakes his head and walks off.

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE – DAY

DAVE HOWERY and MIDGARD strains and struggle, the admantium chainsaw is locked against the guitar. They both snarl at one another.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ve fought better men than you!

MIDGARD
I’ve fought worse men than you.

BULGARKOTONOS suddenly walks up and swings a bat into DAVE HOWERY, knocking him out.

BULGARKOTONOS
I’ve kicked everyone’s ass!
(laughs)

Pan to: IRONYUPPIE and GRIMM REAPER. LANDSHARK is down and out for the count, he’s lying in an unconscious pool, while the other two fight it out. IRONYUPPIE has her Yo-yo of Death swinging above her head and circles GRIMM REAPER who’s ready to attack.

IRONYUPPIE
Don’t you think this is fun?

GRIMM REAPER
Very fun.

IRONYUPPIE snaps out her yo-yo and it hooks about the shaft of the scythe, with a yank she tears it out of GRIMM REAPER’s grasp.

GRIMM REAPER
Now… Not much fun.

IRONYUPPIE
(grins)
This is what I call turning the tables.
(starts swinging scythe)

DOCTOR WHAT is swinging crazily, like a wild man. WARD gets his in the face, the chest, and the ribs in quick succession, he staggers back from the sudden assault. DOCTOR WHAT pushes his advantage, continuing to swing and continuing to connect with flesh.

Roaring, WARD crashes into DOCTOR WHAT pushing the other man up against a railing and begins working the midsection with his fists. DOCTOR WHAT brings his elbow down upon WARD’s exposed back, repeatedly. WARD continues punching.

DOCTOR WHAT brings up his knee, smashing WARD in the face and causing him to stagger back, blood pouring from a busted nose. DOCTOR WHAT charges again, swinging.

This time WARD is patient, he dodges the first swings, blocks the other, and when the opening is right gives a massive right handed uppercut, causing DOCTOR WHAT to flop on his back, gasping and groaning.

WARD walks over to him and grabs him by the hair.

WARD
Well, this has been more fun than I realized, boy.

INT. – HUB – MRP’S SHOPPE – DAY

THE PREVIOUS DAY

FLOCCULENCIO, MATT, MRP, and GBW are sitting upon various stacks of books.

GBW
The only way to save everyone is to kill Doctor What?

MRP
You say that as if death is a bad thing

GBW
Normally it does make a situation more bleak.

MRP grins.

MRP
There is something that you will need.

GBW
What is it?

MRP tosses GBW a ring.

GBW
What is this?

MATT
Does it hold magical power?

MRP
Magic is merely science that you
cannot begin to comprehend.

FLOCCULENCIO
I once saw this guy on the street…

MRP
(cutting him off)
Call it a device that shall remove this evil from him.

MATT
(nodding)
Like a anti ASB laxative.

MRP
Your vulgar analogy is correct.
But this only works in conjunction
with the demise of Doctor What.

GBW
(twisting ring in his hand)
Will I see a great flaming cat eye glaring at me if I put It on?

MRP
I miss your reference.

FLOCCULENCIO
Its one of those ATL things.

MRP
I deal with knowledge, not trivial
things such as popular culture.

MATT
Dude, you and me.
We’ll never be able to hang out together.

MRP
(crestfallen)
I had hoped we could share a pint or two in the Pub.

MATT
Well.. if you’re buying…

FLOCCULENCIO
I think he just hit on you.

MATT
(to Flocc)
I said “If he’s buying…”

FLOCCULENCIO
(understanding)
Ah.. can I join you two?

GBW
So this laxative ring.
Once Doc dies, it should be applied?

MRP
While he dies.

GBW
Now the question is:
Who will kill Doctor What?

GBW looks to MATT and FLOCCULENCIO.

MATT
I swore off killing superior officers when I joined the crew.

FLOCCULENCIO
I would… but a quarter of a decade of Singaporean propaganda
has made it impossible for me to even think of killing superior officers
without going into convulsions.
(goes into convulsions)

MATT
Dude, that’s so cool.

GBW
I think I know a person who would gladly kill Doctor What…

MRP
The consequences of that choice will be far reaching.

GBW
Don’t they all though?

MRP
The joy of making the hard decisions.

MATT
I don’t get this.
What’s going on?

GBW looks grimly at the camera.

Slow fade out:

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE – DAY

WARD smashes DOCTOR WHAT’s face against the metal catwalk, blood splatters against the metal railing. We see the ring GBW had given WARD twinkle in the light of the Core.

WARD
(breathing heavily)
Come on, Boy.
This all you got?

DOCTOR WHAT
I would make a witty quip, but-

WARD smashes his fist into the DOCTOR WHAT’s face.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ow…
I think that loosened up a tooth.

WARD
I’ll loosen up more than that, Boy!

WARD grabs DOCTOR WHAT by the hair and drags him to his feet. Barely standing DOCTOR WHAT is pushed up against the railing and WARD begins to pummel him.

HENDRYK
Lay your hands off Bruno!

WARD turns to see HENDRYK charging him, sword in hand. WARD pulls DOCTOR WHAT around and HENDRYK unable to stop his forward motion, stabs DOCTOR WHAT in the side.

HENDRYK
(horrified)
Doc!

WARD drops DOCTOR WHAT and kicks HENDRYK in the knee, there is a loud crack and HENDRYK begins screaming in pain, collapsing to the floor. WARD then smashes his fist into HENDRYK, knocking him out.

WARD
All these pesky annoyances.
Let’s just get this over with.

WARD kneels down beside DOCTOR WHAT and wraps his hands around his throat. He begins squeezing. Weakly DOCTOR WHAT tries to fend him off, but he barely flails under WARD’s grip.

Pan to:

IRON YUPPIE smashes GRIMM REAPER in the chest with the butt of his staff, knocking him flat. GRIMM REAPER weakly coughs from the nit, trying to move, but seemingly unable.

IRONYUPPIE
You all talk a big talk.
(raises scythe)
But you all can’t walk the big walk.

GRIMM REAPER’s eyes widen slightly.

IRONYUPPIE (cont.)
But where you’re going it doesn’t matter.
A big ugly guy will be poking you with a poker for eternity.

GRIMM REAPER
(weakly)
Ward…
Help…

WARD looks toward GRIMM REAPER and sees IRONYUPPIE with the scythe. He stands up, letting go of DOCTOR WHAT and unsheathes HENDRYK’s sword from DOCTOR WHAT’s side.

WARD
Normally, I don’t enjoy hitting women.
(hefts sword)
or stabbing them.
But that guy you’re trying to kill is my crew.
(beat)
Only I get to kill them.

IRONYUPPIE turns to face WARD, face set in determination.

IRONYUPPIE
Bring it, geezer.

WARD advances.

INT. – CORE – DAY

There is a pop and the AH.commer crew appears.

MICHAEL
Oh, boy, it looks like quiet the fight.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Look, an injured CF.netter.

MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN charge ROMULUS AGUSTULUS who is flopping weakly upon the floor. They begin hitting him with their lengths of pipe.

GBW
We need to find Doc.

GREY WOLF
There he is.

Pan to DOCTOR WHAT, a pool of blood if forming around him, but he is still trying to get to his knees.

GBW
He’s not dead yet.

GREY WOLF
Damn.
(beat)
God, it sounds weird saying that.

GBW
I know.
(beat)
He needs to die.

GREY WOLF
God, it sounds weird saying that.

GBW
Yeah…

THANDE
KIT!

Pan camera and we see KIT and BULGARKOTONOS fighting it out.

BULGARKOTONOS had KIT in a headlock and is punching his face.

KIT
Not in the face!
Not in the face!
It’s my money maker!

THANDE collides into BULGARKOTONOS knocking the other man to the ground along with himself. KIT staggers a bit, sees BULGARKOTONOS on the ground and with a snarl jumps atop of him.

KIT
I said not in the face!
(begins swinging)

FLOCCULENCIO give a groaning DIAMOND a hand in getting up.

FLOCCULENCIO
Looks like quiet the fight.

DIAMOND
You should see the other guy…
Aren’t you the bad guy?

FLOCCULENCIO
Not anymore.

DIAMOND
Cool.
Now, let’s kick some CF.netter ass.

LANDSHARK (groaning)
Blood Yank, help Yuppie.
And you’d better not get knocked out in the first seconds too…

DIAMOND and FLUCCULENCIO see WARD and IRONYUPPIE fighting. WARD if getting the upper hand and IRONYUPPIE is being pushed back.

FLOCCULENCIO
First time for everything, eh?

DIAMOND
Yeah.

The two head toward WARD, but before they make a few steps, MIDGARD steps in their way.

MIDGARD
(grinning)
Going anywhere, boys?

DIAMOND
Yeah, to your funera-

MIDGARD swings his guitar into DIAMOND, throwing the other man back and destroying the instrument.

FLOCCULENCIO hefts a sword.

MIDGARD
(eyeing sword)
Looks like Merry’s sword.

FLOCCULENCIO
It is.

MIDGARD
Well, no one really expected you to turn coat.

FLOCCULENCIO
Well, I’m very predictable, no?

MIDGARD
I like that sword. I think I’ll kill you with it.

FLOCCULENCIO
Not if I do it first.

MIDGARD
Kill yourself with it?

FLOCCULENCIO
Shut up and let’s fight!

They fight.

GBW
The Denial of Service Device!

GREY WOLF
We shut it off, then Ian has to come back.

The two rush toward the device, dodging the combating AH.commers and CF.netters.

DOCTOR WHAT staggers to his feet and sees the two crouching over the device.

DOCTOR WHAT
NOOO!!

DOCTOR WHAT charges and tears GBW away from the device. He flings GBW against a railing.

GREY WOLF
It needs to be shut off!

DOCTOR WHAT
Traitor!

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF grapple.

GBW shakes his head and gets to his knees.

He sees WARD advancing upon the two AH.commers, HENDRYK’s sword in his hand. GBW sees IRONYUPPIE lying unconscious upon the floor. WARD raises the sword.

GBW
NOOOO!!!

GBW charges WARD, who turns and with a smooth motion, impales GBW upon the weapon.

GREY WOLF
GBW!

DOCTOR WHAT turns, releasing GREY WOLF and grapples with WARD, who kicks him in the crotch. GREY WOLF tries to punch him, but WARD moves faster and knocks him out with a quick and brutal right hand punch.

WARD grabs DOCTOR WHAT by the neck again and grins.

WARD
It’ll be over in a bit, boy.
(tightens grip)

LANDSHARK
This’ll teach you to lay a hand upon a woman, arsehat!

WARD turns to see LANDSHARK advancing upon GRIMM REAPER, scythe in hand.

With a snarl, WARD lets go of DOCTOR WHAT again and confronts LANDSHARK. With a quick movement, LANDSHARK is on the ground and the scythe is in WARD’s hand.

GBW watches DOCTOR WHAT. He lies there gasping for breath, but it does not seem to come, the breaths come quicker and sharper, until finally there is no inhalation. The crazy mad man eyes of DOCTOR WHAT fades and it is replaced by the normal DOCTOR WHAT eyes.

GBW reaches for his comm unit.

GBW
Torq…
Now…

DARKNESS.

INT. – INNER CITY – CORE – DAY

WARD surveys the battlefield. Crew from both ships are down and on the ground, grappling or groaning from injuries and bleeding from hurts. DOCTOR WHAT is surrounded by TORQUMADA, GREY WOLF, and FLOCCULENCIO, who is clutching his right arm.

He can tell the battle is lost.

With a slice of GRIMM’s scythe, WARD destroys the Denial of Service Device.

WARD
(into comm)
Fortyseven.
Emergency transport.
Everyone.

With a pop he and the CF.netter crew are gone

IAN suddenly appears, looks around.

IAN
This is going to have to be explained.
But now, I have a city to save.

He vanishes again.

INT. – HUB – CHINGO360/ALT-LUAKEL’S FLAT – DAY

The two are looking out a window that faces a wide open space, leveled building and fire rage in the view before them. They aren’t looking at the devestation of the city, but instead are looking at the huge black bat shaped ships in the sky.

Suddenly there is a flash of light and one of the Bat ships explodes into a ball of fire.

ALT-LUAKEL
Holy crap, what was that?

CHINGO360
It’s Ian!

They begin cheering.

The sky, dominated by black bat ships suddenly are filled with silver ships, the streets are filled with robots and Ian constructs.

The Hub ships and the ASB ships slug it out, steams of light and other things fly from them. Hub ships are destroyed, but so are ASB ships.

Soon the ASB ships are whittled down, five, three, one, none.

Silence fills the air.

CHINGO360
I think we won.

ALT-LUAKEL
(looking at devastation)
Huzzah…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

IAN stands at the head of the table, tossing the Service of Denial multifaceted gem from hand to hand.

IAN
I’m not laying any blame here.
I can understand what has occurred.
These being are pretty tricky.

DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, FLOCCULENCIO, G.BONE, THANDE, TORQUMADA, and KIT sit in the Battle Room listening.

IAN (cont.)
Though this.
(hefts gem)
This I thought were long gone.
Not only do they cause a denial of service, they’re
Able to prevent me from entering the Hub. A relic
from another war fought for this place.
(shakes head)
Needless to say, I’ll be taking hold of this.

DOCTOR WHAT stands up, looking worse for wear.

DOCTOR WHAT
I would like to express my deepest apologies, Ian.
I was… not myself.
(hangs head)

IAN
No need to apologize.
Like I said, I’m not laying blame here.
The ASB, they’re a strange folk.
They took you when you tried to make a heroic death against the Devourer
and they messed with your mind. If it wasn’t for the fast action of GBW,
Matt, Flocculencio, and the CF.netters, then I’d probably not have a place
to barkeep. This is not your fault. This was an act of war by a group who
were merely using you as a tool to do something they could not do themselves.
Kick me out of the Hub, take control of the Core and open the doors for them
to stroll in. The blame lies at their feet, not at yours.

DOCTOR WHAT simply sits down again, unable to say anything.

GREY WOLF
What happens now?

IAN
The ASBs have violated the truce.

FLOCCULENCIO
That means?

IAN
Violate a truce between what can be called two nations.
That does that get you?

FLOCCULENCIO
War?

IAN
War. The eternal struggle to make sure the ASBs don’t kill
off everything in their odd sense of logic.

DOCTOR WHAT
What about the Hollow Earth?

IAN
It was a construct.

DOCTOR WHAT
But the people there…

IAN
They were real. They lived the lives they lived were real.
But all of it was created by the ASBs.
Created by them and destroyed by them.
To set you on the path you are on.

DOCTOR WHAT simply sits quietly, head bowed.

IAN
I am sorry about your friends.
(long silence)
Well, I have to run. Things need fixing
and damages need calculating and backs needing rights putting.

IAN vanishes.

G.BONE
You hear that? The CF.netters are bloody heroes.

FLOCCULENCIO
They did stop us from destroying the Hub…

GREY WOLF
Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT stands up and walks out of the Battle Room.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY –DAY

MATT enters a room and WEAPON M is sitting up in a bed.

MATT
How you doing, Lee?

WEAPON M
Could be better.
(lifts cast)

MATT
I tried taking it easy on you.

WEAPON M
I tried killing you.

MATT
I can’t blame you.

WEAPON M
(hangs head)
Shit.

MATT
It’s not your fault.
The fucking ASBs.

WEAPON M
(looking up)
No. It is my fault. I chose to follow him.
I chose not to ask questions.
I chose not to think why we were doing this.
(beat)
Just the fucking hired muscle. Go here and
shoot this, no questions asked.
(punches bed)
I’ve been down this fucking road before, Matt.
I don’t want to go down it again.

MATT
What are you going to do?

WEAPON M
I’m leaving.

MATT
(long pause)
Then I’ll tag along.
Can’t let you go off by yourself, might get yourself killed.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – TORQUMADA’S OFFICE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT enters the MED BAY, TORQUMADA looks up from a chart he is reading.

TORQUMADA
Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
How.. how am I?

TORQUMADA
Beyond the bruises, the deep cut in your side, the concussion,
the bruised throat, and all the other things?

DOCTOR WHAT
The other thing…

TORQUMADA
I’ve run scans and I’ve found nothing.
But then again this is ASB stuff, far beyond
anything we can ever imagine.

DOCTOR WHAT
It could still be there?

TORQUMADA
I. I don’t know.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
I need to be certain.
I need to know.

TORQUMADA
I can’t five you that answer.
I can say I can’t find anything now.

DOCTOR WHAT
Please. Tell me I’m alright.

TORQUMADA
GBW said that the control the ASBs had over you would
end when you died for that brief moment. I’m not positive
on it, but I think he may be right.
You were cured from their control.

DOCTOR WHAT leaves the Med Bay.

TORQUMADA
Doc?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

KIERA KNIGHTLY bursts into the Med Bay. She spots DAVE HOWERY.

KIERA KNIGHTLY
Dave!
You’re alive!

GBW, PSYCHOMETLDOWN, OTHNIEL, HENDRYK, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, and KIT watch the spectacle.

IRONYUPPIE
Damn, Dave.
(sighs)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, GBW how are you doing?

GBW
Things could be better.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
Heard you kicked some ass.

GBW
I got stabbed.

PSYCHOYMELTDOWN
I got knocked out by Michael.

GBW
Really?
Well, guess I had a better experience, no?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah…
At least you’re a hero, right?

GBW
Yeah, I feel very heroic…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

ATTA appears upon a viewscreen.

ATTA
I demand entrance!

G.BONE
Fuck off.

ATTA
I demand –

G.BONE turns off the comm.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DIAMOND’S QUARTERS

DIAMOND is packing a duffle bag. FLOCCULENCIO peeks into his quarters.

FLOCCULENCIO
You heading out?

DIAMOND
Yeah. I need… a vacation from this place.

FLOCCULENCIO
I hear you.
Where you headed?

DIAMOND

I don’t know.
Somewhere the good Reformist
Sheepist word will be welcomed.

FLOCCULENCIO
This place got any good porn?

DIAMOND
You know it.

FLOCCULENCIO
Mind if I tag along?

DIAMOND
More the merrier.

FLOCCULENCIO
Said that once to this bird I was trying to shag.
She brought another guy.

DIAMOND
Ouch. That reminds me of this one time…

Pull back and fade out.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

Pan through the CF.net Med Bay.

We see DOMINUSNOVUS weeping in a bed, MERRYPRANKSTER hooked up to beeping machines, and finally GRIMM REAPER unconscious in a bed. Beside the bed sits WARD reading a book, a heavy bandage about his broken nose.

GRIMM REAPER groans and slowly wakes up. He sees WARD.

GRIMM REAPER
Sir?

WARD
‘morning.

GRIMM REAPER
What? Where am I?

WARD
Med bay.

GRIMM REAPER looks around, and sees the two crewmembers.

WARD
Dominus ain’t pretty no more.

GRIMM REAPER
Merry?

WARD
Pulled a couple of slugs outta him.
Kid was nearly dead.

GRIMM REAPER
What happened?

WARD
Got our asses kicked.

GRIMM REAPER
Was it.. was it because of me?

WARD
No.

GRIMM REAPER
I’m sorry, sir.
You had him…
And I messed it up.

WARD
There are some things
that are more important
than revenge.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S READY ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in the dark, GREY WOLF enters the room.

GREY WOLF
Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
I want to be alone, Grey.

GREY WOLF
No you don’t.

There is a long silence.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t know what to do now.

GREY WOLF
You’re their captain.

DOCTOR WHAT
No. not now.
Not anymore.
How can they trust me now?

GREY WOLF
They still trust you.

DOCTOR WHAT
How can I trust myself?
How can I be sure that this control thing is gone?
How can I be sure they won’t just reactivate it again?

GREY WOLF
I don’t know
But you can’t hide from everyone.
You can’t fear the thought that they might control you again.
You let that control you, then you’ll become nothing more than a shadow.

DOCTOR WHAT
How can I face them?

GREY WOLF
They still are loyal to you.
They still will stand by you.

DOCTOR WHAT
After all I’ve done?

GREY WOLF
They know this wasn’t you.
They know the ASBs did this.

DOCTOR WHAT
You don’t understand, Grey. I knew what I was doing. It wasn’t
as if my mind was suddenly supplanted with the ASB’s. I knew
what I was doing. I knew it and I didn’t care. I wanted to destroy
the Hub, I wanted to let the ASBs kill everyone.
(hangs head)

GREY WOLF
I.. I see.

DOCTOR WHAT
I can’t stay.
I can’t face them.

GREY WOLF
What are you going to do?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m leaving.

GREY WOLF
(without hesitation)
Then I’m coming too.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT – THE HUB – DAYISH

A FIGURE staggers through rubble tossed about.

Pull in on the figure. We see it’s STRAHA.

He looks around.

Another FIGURE approaches.

VOICE
I know you.

FIGURE steps forward to reveal MIKE COLLINS.

MIKE COLLINS
You’re the obnoxious one from the Ah.com ship.

STRAHA used to be.

MIKE COLLINS
Used to be?

STRAHA
I left.

MIKE COLLINS
Find the error of your ways?

STRAHA
Just didn’t wanna die.

MIKE COLLINS
How lame.

STRAHA
So.. what are you doing?

MIKE COLLINS
Trying to find out how to get out of this fucking place.

STRAHA
Yeah me too…

MIKE COLLINS
Hope that goes well.
(walks off)

STRAHA
Hey, can I go with you?

MIKE COLLINS
No.

STRAHA scurries after him.

STRAHA
Hey, where you going?
Can I come?

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – SEWERS – NIGHT

We go straight into the episode with a rather standard, dank, poorly lit sewer (of the large Victorian sort of course) . Gathered in the centre of the room are six men dressed entirely in grey jump suits with utilitarian haircuts. The only hint of colour on them is a small red badge on each of their necks.

STRAHA
So…what do….you…think of….leader.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Leader smrrrrrg….

NEKROMANS
I think leader…leader is big….do-do head

LEEJ
Yes…big…big…wan….big,
big wankoooo….big….wan-kah.
Leader….is….waaahnkah!

Suddenly the scene is lit up by search lights, a megaphone aplifyed voice booms out of the glare

VOICE
Statement Attention citizens! Upon the will of the almighty leader you
are under arrest! Collective charges read Six counts of unsanctioned
public meeting. Six counts of trespassing on government property. Six
counts of wearing colour other then grey. Six counts of thinking against
leader. One count of attempting to insult almighty leader. One count of
insulting almighty leader. Three counts of gravely insulting almighty leader….

CHRIS
SCATTER!!!!

The sound of gun fire kicks in as the six men run in off in all directions the fire three of the men including STRAHA and PSYCHOMELTDOWN go down. The scene fades with several other figures running through the lit area trampling the bodies as they pursue the others

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE THIN GREY LINE”

Written By : LEEJ

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We open up in the Control Room, a wide shot. We can see heat waves rising in the air; GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT are sitting on deckchairs each wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and sunglasses with a single electric fan blowing at them. Both are reading; Doctor What a rather tatty looking magazine called ‘Asian Sluts’ and Grey Wolf ‘Psychology for Dummies’. Grey Wolf also has earphones in his ears, we briefly focus on him.

SOOTHING VOICE
You are a wonderful, strong, human being,
you can do anything you set your mind to…

LANDHARK and GBW are also in the room at control panels obviously struggling to do their jobs in the sweltering heat. It does not help that LANDSHARK is wearing a full leather getup, which appears he has completely sweated through.

LANDSHARK
This is just…typical…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm? What was that Landshark?

LANDSHARK
One of our…longest…journeys yet and….
damn air conditioning is broken…

DOCTOR WHAT licks his finger and turns the page

DOCTOR WHAT
(unconcerned)
Oh yes, terrible, terrible.

LANDSHARK collapses slumped over his controls; his hand hits a big red button as he goes. The ship starts to shake with the remaining three men hastily grabbing onto something sturdy nearby.

GBW
We have left transit space…Might I
recommend a doctor for Landshark?

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at each other and nod before walking over to LANDSHARK, taking a arm each and dragging him towards the door. They have almost reached it when THANDE bursts in clutching what looks like an old fashioned till.

THANDE
Excellent! Excellent! We are finally out of transit space!
Now we can use my latest invention!

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF drop LANDSHARK and walk over to get a look at the invention. GBW walks over to get a look too.

DOCTOR WHAT
What does it do?

THANDE
Oh it’s really quite marvellous! You pull this leaver
here you see and it tells you who you should take
for the current away mission!

GBW
Sounds interesting. So it uses scientific reasoning to
deduce from the conditions on the planet and the kind
of mission we are to undertake whose specialities
would be most needed?

THANDE
Err…yes. Something like that.
(gives a forced laugh)

THANDE puts his invention on a nearby flat surface.

THANDE
Go on! Give it a whirl!

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT look to each other for a moment then DOCTOR WHAT approaches the machine and tentatively pulls the lever. In the small windows at the top where the price would appear had this been a real till pictures of all the crew quickly flash by.

There are six spaces, the first one settles on GREY WOLF

DOCTOR WHAT
This…Its…Its nothing but a one armed bandit!

THANDE
Well.,…I suppose…technically….
But it helps you decide!

The machine keeps spinning. Next it settles on OTHNIEL, then STRAHA.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh come on, you know fine well that
we can’t take those two anywhere

Next is MATT. DOCTOR WHAT merely shrugs at this. The next person selected is LUKAEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
No way in hell am I taking him down to another planet!

The final slot lands on THANDE.

THANDE
Oh me? How lucky! Who’d have thought it!
Come on, off to the planet we go!

THANDE leaves the room in a hurry.

GREY WOLF
Lets just go to the teleporter room, we can always
decide on the crew when we get there.

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT begin to leave the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
You want to actually go on an away mission?

GREY WOLF
Why not? It’s a change you know. Besides.
I’ve recently read some…interesting stuff.

GBW
Sirs, I do believe that Landshark still needs a doctor

Seeing that LANDSHARK is still out DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF pause in their step pick him up again before exiting.

DOCTOR WHAT
I suppose we can swing by TORQUMADA’s
on the way to the teleporter room.

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT both enter the lift.

GBW
You know you don’t even know where
we are or the conditions on the planet…
(shrugs and adjusts both Grey Wolf’s and Doctor What’s fans toward him)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

The Med Bay is in a state of disarray with papers scattered about everywhere. TORQUMADA is the only one here; he is running around like a maniac between several computers typing furiously at each one. Enter GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT dragging LANDSHARK between them, with a burst of effort they heave LANDSHARK onto a table. GREY WOLF then goes off to the far side of the room to examine the various strange devices on the desk there. DOCTOR WHAT coughs ever louder for a few moments until he is noticed.

TORQUMADA
Ah! Excellent! Just the people I wanted to see! You see
this latest universe we have entered! Oh its very exciting!
Or maybe exciting isn’t the correct word…
Oh but it is very…Interesting!

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh? How so?

TORQUMADA leads the two men to a display screen covered in scientific gibberish

TORQUMADA
You see these emissions coming from the surface of the planet?
Pure GREY RAYS! I have long hypothesised that such a thing
could exist of course but this is the first time I’ve actually had
the pleasure of encountering them. Hmm…Maybe I can make
a bomb out of them…Or maybe I can use my wonderful skills
to make some sort of anti-grey bomb!

DOCTOR WHAT
AN ANTI-GAY BOMB!?!?
Isn’t that a bit harsh even for you?

TORQUMADA
No, no, no. Not an anti-gay bomb. An anti-GREY bomb. It will have
the opposite effect of these grey rays. It will instantly nullify any
grey rays in existence in the area. Or even better yet have the opposite
effect of any grey rays- I am quite interested to see what that is actually…
Oh I’m going to make such a powerful bomb…You see the Hyndrick
matrix means that in a stable bod…

DOCTOR WHAT
(interrupting)
Err yes…You do that we’ll be going now….

TORQUMADA
Excellent idea! Down to the planet you go to fetch some data on the
effect these grey rays have on life down there! I’d love to go myself
but when there is SCIENCE this exciting underway well I couldn’t
possibly leave…

TORQUMADA pushes GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT out of the room and closes the door behind them

TORQUMADA
And of course I’m not stupid enough
to subject myself to pure grey rays…
(spots Landshark)
Oh, what is this? A sweat drenched Englishman
reeking of leather and nutella…
(pulls out a scalpel)
This will be fun.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM- DAY

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT enter the Teleportation Tube Room. Already here is G.BONE at the control console, looking bored and flicking a bobble headed hula girl with his index finger, and MATT, STRAHA, OTHNIEL, THANDE and LUKAEL milling around the teleporter itself.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell…I didn’t authorise
them to go on a mission!

THANDE
Ah you see captain, that’s the beauty of my invention,
it automatically alerts the chosen crewmembers that
they are needed and tells them to come here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dammit…What are we going to do…

GREY WOLF
(aside to Dr.What)
Don’t worry, I haven’t been reading that
psychology book for nothing, I have a plan…
(shouting)
Lukael! Oh Lukael!

LUKAEL
Yes Mr.Grey Wolf sir?

GREY WOLF
Lukael, you’re needed in the control room at once,
your mother phoned and she wants to talk to you

LUKAEL
Mom? OK!

LUKAEL runs out of the room.

GREY WOLF
(aside)
One down…
(shouting)
Oh Straha! Straha!
I’ve just received word your plants are on fire!

STRAHA
Ha! Yeah right. Like YOU could ever trick me.
You obviously haven’t seen this.

STRAHA produces a small book from his pocket and taps it- the title reads ‘Resisting psychology for dummies’

G.BONE
I haven’t got all day you know…

THANDE walks over to G.BONE and begins to scald him about the terrible attitude he has for his job. Whilst he’s doing this the others sneak onto the teleporter spaces- all five of them

THANDE
Wha…Wha…There’s only five spaces!

G.BONE
Yep

THANDE
Why on earth is that!?

G.BONE
It’s the type 325. It has 5 spaces.

THANDE
325? I thought we had the 673!

G.BONE
We did. We upgraded.

THANDE
325 is an upgrade from 673!

G.BONE
Not really, no.

DOCTOR WHAT
When you are ready please Mr. Bone.

STRAHA
(giggling)
He said bone…

The teleporter is activated and the screen fades out with THANDE still ranting at G.BONE.

EXT. – STREET- DAY

The street has no cars however it does have a few pedestrians. All of the people are wearing grey jump suits and have utilitarian hair cuts like the people in the introduction- a brief close up however shows they lack the red badge.
The buildings are all made of concrete, the road and pavements are grey and even a nearby post box is painted grey.

The crew teleport into the middle of a street and look around in an action pose.

STRAHA
(sarcastic)
Wow this place looks exciting, I’m so jealous
I don’t go on missions very often!

OTHNIEL
I think it looks nice…

GREY WOLF
Hmm…I certainly see what TORQUMADA meant
about grey emissions anyway. This place is…well…rather grey.

DOCTOR WHAT
Indeed…I wonder what happened here.

A voice booms out from off screen

VOICE
Order Stop right there!

The crew look around- all the pedestrians are staring at them in shock and another man is running towards them. He’s wearing a grey jumpsuit however its slightly different to everyone else’s, on the sleeves and over the heart is written in a slightly darker shade of grey ‘police’, he is also wearing a flat (grey) policeman’s hat.

COP
Statement You are under arrest for disobeying the will
of the almighty leader. Collective charges read; Six counts
of appearing in the middle of public street out of thin air,
four grave counts of wearing colours other then grey, two
dire counts of wearing colours other then grey.

The last one was obviously directed towards GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT who are still dressed Hawaiian style.

STRAHA
Woah, woah, look here…We….have permission
to be dressed like this….We are…The supreme
leader’s top secret undercover colour wearers!

COP
Statement I have never heard of such a thing

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh we’re new. Err…go check
with the supreme almighty leader.

COP
Statement Use of almighty leader’s name in such a way
must mean honesty. Statement Sorry for bothering you
citizens. You may be on your way.

OTHNIEL
Oh its alright, you were just doing your job after all,
I’m sure you’re doing a very good job of keeping the
streets clean of those damned nasty colour wearers.

COP
Statement Heavy use of opinion detected! Extrapolation
You are not sanctioned by leader! Conclusion Arre….

The cop collapses in a heap having just been hit over the head by a large plank of wood from behind. Holding the wood is LEEJ. Matt has a slight look of anger on his face the prospects of violence having just been dashed.

LEEJ
Statem….St….Straha….You…Alive…
We….Fear…Worst…It…good

LEEJ approaches STRAHA and tentatively puts his arms around him in a rather pathetic attempt at a manly hug.

STRAHA
Woah! What the fuck are you doing.

MATT
(smirking)
I think he likes you.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Aren’t they a cute couple?

STAHA
(angry)
Quit fucking hugging me!

LEEJ recoils in shock and GREY WOLF quickly clips STRAHA around the ear- STRAHA rubs his ear and looks at GREY WOLF but doesn’t respond.

GREY WOLF
Oh err…Excuse Straha…For he is of course the Straha
from this universe…You see the…pressures of having
narrowly escaped death you see…Has us all on edge.

LEEJ
I…understood…understand….Follow…You must…
Follow….Not safe here….Follow

The crew look amongst themselves and shrug seeing no better course of action. LEEJ leads them past the stunned onlookers into an alleyway; he opens up a manhole cover and climbs down. The crew cautiously follow him down, STRAHA is the last to go and he can visibly be heard humming the ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ theme song as he closes the hatch behind himself.

INT. – SEWERS- DAY

It’s a similar dank drippy sewer to earlier. LEEJ is leading the crew down a long area.

LEEJ
Straha…Thankful is everyone….Will be everyone….
We fearerised worst…You…Bullets were shot…

STRAHA
Yeah well…Sorry for bothering you bud. Bullets can’t
hurt me you should know that. So err just out of interest…
Where the hell are we going anyway?

LEEJ
Top…Secret….Rebellion headquarters…Cell….Gamma.

LEEJ leads the crew through a narrow ‘doorway’ and into a relatively large sewer room not unlike the den of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. There are a few rather crappy looking beds and old bits of furniture. On one wall a bit of red cloth hangs from the ceiling and just next to it is a radio.

There are four other men in the room-NEKROMANS is scraping away at the wall with a spoon inside what looks like a fireplace, two of them are asleep on the beds and not visible, the other is CRAIG who runs over to the crew.

CRAIG
Straha….Living…Nice. We…celebrate….We smoke….

STRAHA
(excited)
Yes!?!

DOCTOR WHAT interrupts

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m sorry to get your hopes up but there’s been some
kind of mistake….This isn’t your Straha.

LEEJ
But…He appears….To be….Straha…

DOCTOR WHAT
He’s…A different Straha.

LEEJ
How…Can…it be?

DOCTOR WHAT
OK listen here,err…Who are you exactly?

LEEJ
Leej…I…Comrade…Leej…Leader cell gamma…
At least… Now…Leader cell gamma…Gone.

DOCTOR WHAT begins to explain the concept of alternative realities and the scene fades out. It comes right back with DOCTOR WHAT, STRAHA, GREY WOLF, OTHNIEL LEEJ and CRAIG sitting around a rickety table just as DOCTOR WHAT finishes his explanation- MATT is off at the far end of the room pacing.

LEEJ
This…Interesting…I ask Am I…Have you had
fortune to encounter…World where I am…God-emperor?

OTHNIEL
Err…no. Sorry.

STRAHA
There was that one where you were
some dumb alcoholic blind guy!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes and…err…You were
prime minister of Britain once!

OTHNIEL
Sorry but your alternatives
are sadly under represented…

LEEJ
Prime minis…ter….This is…nice.

CRAIG
Am I on…Any worlds?

DOCTOR WHAT
Err…Who on earth are you?

CRAIG
I Craig…I Leej’s…Comrade.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never heard of you.

Craig looks crestfallen as everyone else stands up.

DOCTOR WHAT
So…Leej. What can you tell me about what you do here?
What’s that red cloth over there for instance?

LEEJ
That…Flag of rebellion…
Comrade Highlander design…
Took him…Many weeks….

STRAHA
(Jokingly under stating)
Not very creative are you people?

LEEJ
We…most creative on planet!….We…Rebellion…
Force for change!…We…Radicals…Imagination…Dangerous! We….
I…Only one…Dare say…Supreme leader…he be….Wanker.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah…I see….

OTHNIEL
Well it stands to reason that on a planet such as this even their
monster raving lefties would be pretty nice and right by our standards.

STRAHA
Dull you mean?

OTHNIEL
There is tranquillity in calm. I wonder how I
could go about buying a flat here….

DOCTOR WHAT
No its clear what we have to do here, we must help
the rebels in their overthrow of this ‘supreme leader’

MATT quickly runs over upon hearing the prospect of some action.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now tell me Leej. How exactly do you intend to overthrow the leader?

LEEJ
We…Tunnel…Dig….Blow up…Grey emission device…Stop greyness….
Been digging…Many months….Eventually…Will manage. Device…
kept by leader….Kill device…Ki….ki…hurt leader

LEEJ points over to NEKROMANS’ rather pathetic tunnel.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm…I think there could be another way

GREY WOLF
TORQUMADA and his anti-grey bomb?

DOCTOR WHAT
Exactly

MATT
Aww…I want to get my hands dirty!

GREY WOLF
I must say I agree with Matt here

OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT
You do!?!

GREY WOLF
Yes…Well no…But I would like to meet
this leader before we unleash the weapon.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why?

GREY WOLF
Oh I think it could be…enlightening.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm…Oh very well, its your day out. I’ll tell
TORQUMADA to step up the work on his anti-grey
device, until then lets go see the leader. Matt, would
you mind giving them a hand with the tunnel?

MATT grumbles at this not being what he meant by getting his hands dirty but heads over to the ‘tunnel’ anyway, he throws NEKROMANS out of the way and starts punching the wall furiously quickly making heavy progress.

LEEJ
I…thank you…Freedom…Will be ours…

ACT I

ACT II

INT. – CAPITOL-CORRIDOR- DAY

It looks like a fairly standard science fiction corridor, all grey…very bland. There is a glass roof however for some reason. The camera focuses on the floor where there is a practical explosion and MATT climbs out followed by the rest of the crew.

OTHNIEL
Hmm it seems Leej’s calculations were somewhat off…

STRAHA
(sarcastically)
Never saw that one coming. He seemed a right sharp
character that Leej did. Very with it.

GREY WOLF clips STRAHA around the ear.

DOCTOR WHAT
What now?

Everyone looks around confused for a moment before STRAHA points to a sign down the corridor, its in the shape of a arrow and says “This way to almighty leader”.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thoughtful of them. Let’s go then.

Everyone walks off down the corridor, the scene cuts to a identical (though it isn’t the same) corridor where the crew have stopped at a door.

DOCTOR WHAT
Its through here then?

MATT loads his machine gun and attracts a glare from DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF and OTHNIEL

GREY WOLF
We’re here to talk. Not hill him.

MATT
Spoiled sport

The crew open the door. Through it is…A guard room. Several heavily armed figures wearing power armour are stood right in front of them. The armour is entirely grey except for a few see through spots over their muscular arms.

STRAHA
(jokingly stating the truth in a meme fashion)
Err…It’s a trap!

The guards run at the crew and MATT fires off his machine gun at them. It has no effect and everyone bar MATT quickly surrenders to the guards who surround them. MATT however charges at a man whose uniform says ‘leader’ on the shoulders. A brief battle ensues however MATT is soon subdued.

The scene once more cuts to yet another corridor. The crew are being marched in single file by the guards.

OTHNIEL
Where do you suppose they are taking us?

STRAHA
Oh well I don’t know Othniel. Where would a bunch of heavily
armed super Nazis be taking a bunch of guys they’ve just found
snooping around their ultra secret headquarters?
You don’t suppose it’s the zoo do you?

GUARD
Demand Silence!

The GUARD slaps STRAHA across the face powerfully but not enough so that he is damaged.

The crew are marched on for another few seconds with STRAHA checking that his nose is still in place, eventually they stop at a large metal door and the lead GUARD approaches it and touches an intercom next to it.

GUARD
Statement Almighty leader, sir. I have brought the
dangerous criminals of unknown origin.

A mighty booming voice speaks out from the communicator.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Excellent! Bring them in!

The door opens and the crew are hustled through.

INT. – CAPITOL-CORE- DAY

The core of the capital building is a rather large room with the same science fiction appearance as the corridor. There are a few doors similar to the one everyone has just entered scattered around at even intervals and it has the same glass roof (much, much higher in this case) however the entirety of the room is taken up by a unusual cylindrical machine (?) in the middle.

The machine is in two parts- the top is attached to the ceiling in the middle (where it takes the place of the glass) and looks like four pincers pointing downwards.
Then follows a relatively large gap before we get to the bottom of the machine which has the same pincers pointing upwards, beneath these is tall burgundy curtain not unlike those you would find in the theatre which is concealing the very bottom of the machine.

The lead GUARD approaches the machine and removes her (?!?!) helmet- her hair is shaved and she has several gold teeth.

GUARD
Statement Almighty leader! We your loyal servants
stand ready to exact your punishment upon these villains!

Electricity crackles around the pincers for a moment then a huge holographic image of a floating head appears between them. He looks somewhat like the Norse God Thor.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Excellent work; You may now leave us! It has been
so long since someone dared to challenge my power,
I shall deal with them myself!

The GUARD promptly salutes then heads towards the exit, as she walks past the crew the other guards fall into line behind her.

As she passes the crew the camera notices MATT looking at her funny- presumably due to realising he’s had his arse kicked by a girl.

The door closes behind the guards and the crew spread out to speak to the leader.

STRAHA
(overly sarcastically)
She seems like a nice woman

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Oh she is; excellent cook too.

The crew look amongst themselves in surprise.

DOCTOR WHAT
That sounds suspiciously like an opinion

The ALMIGHTY LEADER spits (holographicly) as he speaks.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Of course it is you pathetic worm! I am the almighty leader
of all! I am the sole purveyor of opinion on this planet!

GREY WOLF
(aside to the crew)
Ah now this all makes perfect sense…

ALMIGHTY LEADER
What! What was that! Speak up! I hear all! I know all!
Admit what you said and I shall go lenient on you!

GREY WOLF
I said you look a lot like a god!

OTHNIEL
Grey Wolf! How could you!

The ALMIGHTY LEADER now gets very smug seemingly forgetting punishment, revelling in the praise

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Ha! But of course I do! For I am practically a god am I not?

GREY WOLF
Indeed you are! I bet you have a magnificent physique also!

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Oh yes! Of course I do! I won Mr.Universe ten years
running back before all such opinion reliant
competitions were shut down!

GREY WOLF
Yeah about that…

ALMIGHTY LEADER doesn’t like having the rain of compliments broken.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
What!! Explain yourself at once you…you PATHETIC WORM!

DOCTOR WHAT
(aside)
I hope you know what you’re doing…

GREY WOLF
I thought opinion was banned in this world?
How do you let me get away
with such blatant oppinioneering?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
That was not opinion! That was fact! I am the
Almighty Leader! Extolling my virtues is as
much fact as saying the sky is blue!

Everyone looks up- it is a rather overcast day.

STRAHA
It looks grey to me

ALMIGHTY LEADER
WHAT!!!

STRAHA
The sky isn’t blue its grey. Any idiot can see that

ALMIGHTY LEADER
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY
JUDGEMENT! MY WILL IS ABSOLUTE!

GREY WOLF
You see, now that’s the problem

ALMIGHTY LEADER
WHAT!!!

GREY WOLF
The thing isn’t that opinion is evil. It’s that any opinion
other then yours is evil. Am I not right on this?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
HOW DARE YOU! I SHALL CRUSH YOU AT ONCE!

A look of straining crosses his face.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Oh dammit…err…you there!

OTHNIEL
Me?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Yes you! Would you mind pulling that red button over
by door number eight for me please?

The camera pans to the big red button- above it is a message that says ‘machine gun power breaker’.

GREY WOLF
Now I don’t think that would be in our best interests do you?
That is not the issue at stake however. We must really get down
to the crux of the matter. How did you come to be supreme
dictator of the known world and clamp down on opinions
other then your own so mercilessly?

Taking this as a compliment ALMIGHTY LEADER mellows.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Through the power of my supreme strength, intelligence
and charisma!! It all began back in 1981, I was ch…

While the leader is busy blabbering away GREY WOLF whispers to OTHNIEL.

GREY WOLF
On my que please pull that curtain over there

OTHNIEL looks confused but heads to the curtain all the same- the leader is too wrapped up in his own thoughts. When he is in position GREY WOLF interrupts- the leader looks angry at first but on hearing more compliments changes back to ‘happy mode’.

GREY WOLF
Charisma you say? Could you tell me more about your magnificent charisma?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
My charisma is legendary! As I said I won Mr.Universe ten years running!
And I was on the cover of Smash Hits magazine five times! And I always
won the sexiest male award in every single award ceremony- there were so
many of them I didn’t even have the time to go and fetch all the trophies.
Once I was in a shop and I asked for milk but the old lady behind the counter
was so enthralled by my magnificence she had a heart attack and
died on the spot!! And then the…

GREY WOLF is making minor noises of encouragement and interest as the leader blabbers on. At this point he nods to OTHNIEL who pulls the curtain to reveal a glass tank- Within the tank is a rather impressive array of computers, in the centre of which stands a very short man dressed in regal robes. He is not pleasant on the eye and is obviously getting on in years- he has a terrible comb over.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
HOW DARE YOU DO THAT YOU PATHETIC MORTAL!

The look of straining passes over the holographic image whilst the man quickly presses a lot of buttons.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Dammit…Erm…You there!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Would you be the helpful fellow and press the red button by do…

DOCTOR WHAT
Nope.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
CURSES!
I swore I would deal with you myself
and deal with you I shall!

GREY WOLF
No, no, no, please wait. I feel we’re really making some
progress here. Now; Can you tell me about your parents?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Swine!
Perfidious fascist communist swine!
The day my mother died was the day I was free!
The house was mine! All mine! No longer was I
her prisoner! I was free to take my own destiny and
that of the entire world into my hands!

GREY WOLF
How old were you when this um…happened?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Thirty four. For thirty four years I was forced to live with that witch!
This horrible bitter wretched woman! It was my father’s fault! When
he ran away with that woman from Tescos it changed her! Changed her!
ALAS MOTHER! MOTHER YOU SWINE!

GREY WOLF
Aha, aha, and um what can you tell me about your childhood?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
What do you mean?

GREY WOLF
Well…How about school. How were things at school?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
School! That accursed building where they alter young minds
into shapes more befitting the role of the societal wage slave!
School! The other children! They made things hell! But I showed
them all! I crushed them! They were first against the wall when
the revolution came! Well…First after the old government of course.

GREY WOLF
Of course

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Those other children! The inferior wretches that they were!
For they bullied me! They lavished beatings and harsh words
upon me on a daily basis! And why? Was it jealousy for my
superior intellect?! Alas no; those pathetic worms cared not
for such important matters! Those wretches! They made fun
of me purely for…for…

GREY WOLF
Yes…?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
My name! Alas my name!

GREY WOLF
I….see. And what may I ask is your name?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Obbell Wenmo Rentafac Ibu Yagsep
Tixud Oco Netub Scisat Eevume Lintis
Enadud Cu Dane Williams

DOCTOR WHAT quickly interrupts whilst OBBELL takes a deep breath

DOCTOR WHAT
Blimey that is a long name; I can see
how things would have been tough…

OBBELL
(angry)
I’m not finished yet!

MATT checks his watch.

MATT
How much more is there? I mean first all of Grey Wolf’s
weird head hurty stuff and now this…

OBBELL
Ten

OTHNIEL
And how long are these ten words?

OBBELL
Its not ten words, its ten minutes!

A look of horror cross the face of all.

GREY WOLF
OK, no need to read them all out. I think we get the point.
One thing stands out in my mind however- how could
you be picked on for that name?

OBBELL
What do you mean?

GREY WOLF
Well it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue does it?
Obbell Wineo Rentafax I do Yager…whatever.
Not really the stuff schoolyard bullying is made of.

OBBELL
How so?

GREY WOLF
Well it doesn’t RHYME very well.
Most people’s names have at least one
insulting rhyme. For instance What the swot…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey!

GREY WOLF
Matt the pratt…

MATT
Do you WANT a black eye?

GREY WOLF
Othniel the surreal

OTHNIEL
What? Did you say my name Grey Wolf?

GREY WOLF
Straha the spakha

STRAHA
Who the fuck are you calling a spakha you friggin idiot.
What the hell even is a fucking spkha?

OBBELL
HA! WRONG! That doesn’t rhyme.
Its spakka, not spakha.

GREY WOLF
Yes..Well…You get my
point though don’t you?

OBBELL
I suppose I do…But why else would
they pick on me if not for my name?

The crew look amongst themselves awkwardly…All except for STRAHA.

STRAHA
Because you’re a bald, ugly dwarf?

OBBELL
WHAT! How dare you address me so! I WILL CRUSH YOU!

MATT
You and what army? Your machine gun button thingy is broke.

OBBELL touches a button on his controls

OBBELL
This one!
Guards! The intruders! Destroy them at once!

The six huge heavily armed women burst into the room and converge on the crew who back off steadily until they are all stood cornered, back-to-back. As women draw ever closer with clubs raised ready to bash Matt notices the head guard is directly in front of him.

MATT
Wow…You…you…You’re hot!

GUARD
Statement Irrelevant. You have disobeyed the will
of the almighty leader. Conclusion Disobeyers of
wills are to be destroyed.
Reason So says the almighty leader.

MATT
But…The curve of your lips,
the depth of your eyes, the way the…

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t think this is the time….

MATT
The wonderful…POWER you can
just see in those muscles!

The guard cocks her head at MATT.

GUARD
This is opinion. This is…Disobeyed….So says
almighty leader…But…Pleasant feeling…
Opinion…Not…. STOP!!!!!

All the other guards stop instantly in shock as this one throws herself on MATT and the two start snogging furiously.

GUARD 2
Statement Kate is in state of supreme arousal.
Statement Feminine arousal is good.
Reason So says almighty leader on almighty leader’s
bi-weekly fun time. Extrapolation Arousal is achieved
via strange men. Logical course of action engage
in lip lock with strange men

The crew look at each other in horror obviously not having MATT’s unusual taste in enormous, muscle bound women. The guards put away their clubs and begin approaching the crew again with lips pert ready for kissing and eyes closed.

The crew all quickly run out of same door (on the opposite end of the room to the one they originally entered) .

OBBELL
Guards! Seize them at once! I am
the almighty leader! Obey my will!

The guards all snap out of their semi-trance like state and look around confused.

GUARD 2
Question Where have foreign men gone? Extrapolation
Foreign men not interested in us. Extrapolation All men
not interested in us. Conclusion All men…
EVIL BASTARDS! DESTROY THEM!

Yelling furiously the women draw their clubs once more and charge at OBBELL leaping over MATT and KATE/GUARD (who are still engaged in lip lock and beginning to shed armour) as they go.

They start furiously attacking OBBELLS tank, sparks fly and cracks appear in the glass. The scene fades out with OBBELL’s shouts of protest ringing over the smashing.

INT. – CAPITOL-CORRIDOR- DAY

The crew come into view all running furiously down the corridor occasionally glancing behind themselves, they dash into a side alcove and all collapse into a sitting position breathing heavily

GREY WOLF
I think we’ve lost them…

OTHNIEL
Poor, poor Matt….

STRAHA
I don’t know; he seemed to be enjoying it to me…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah well…Rather him then me…

DOCTOR WHAT’s communicator pipes up.

TORQUMADA (comm)
I’ve finished it! The anti-grey rainbow
bomb has been completed!

STRAHA
Wow! What amazingly coincidental timing!

GREY WOLF clips Straha around the ear and gives a quick look directly towards the camera.

DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent. Prepare for immediate deployment.
Repeat Immediate deployment.

TORQUMADA (comm)
Really? You’re sure? You don’t want to put it through rigorous
safety tests, demand that I tone down its strength and eventually
deploy it in a year or two; long after the original reason for its
creation has passed? Wow…Well. If you insist captain then it
seems I have no choice but to unleash this glori…err…
necessary weapon of mass destruction

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait!

TORQUMADA
(comms)
I knew it

DOCTOR WHAT
What about us? Don’t we need protection?

TORQUMADA (comm)
…right…err…Of course you do…I wouldn’t err…
dream of harming any of you because…You know…
I love you all so much….err…Protection, protection…hmm

The sound of TORQUMADA hastily rushing around on the ship knocking things over can be briefly heard over the comms.

TORQUMADA (comm)
OK, I’ve cleared it with G.Bone.
The protection SHOULD be with you in a few ticks.

No sooner has he said this then five large packets- about quarter of a metre square appear in front of the men.

OTHNIEL
What on earth…?

DOCTOR WHAT picks up one of the packets from the top of the pile and after a quick examination opens it. From it he pulls a giant pink condom. OTHNIEL makes the sign of the cross to this.

OTHNIEL
Oh dear god…

STRAHA grabs DOCTOR WHAT’s hand and speaks into the communicator.

STRAHA
Err dude, I appreciate the
compliment but not even a horse co…

GREY WOLF clips STRAHA around the ear again.

TORQUMADA (comm)
Its for your head you blithering idiot

DOCTOR WHAT
(aside to GREY WOLF)
Why do you keep doing that anyway?

GREY WOLF
Negative reinforcement

A look of ‘hmm…I’ll have to try that’ crosses DOTOR WHAT’s face

OTHNIEL
But…Is this allowed? I mean
they say…Contraception…Its…

DOCTOR WHAT
Do it, that’s an order

OTHNIEL
But…Its…contraception.
Destroying potential life

DOCTOR WHAT
No its quite the opposite actually. Its saving life.
By pulling that giant pink condom over your head
you are doing the lord’s work.

OTHNIEL thinks about it for a second then nods. The four men grab a packet each and pull out a condom, which they then stretch over their head.

STRAHA
Ouch! The pain! Agh!!!

DOCTOR WHAT
You’ve got it on inside out you berk!…Grr there’s no time
for that now. Just…Try to keep all your…Openings closed.
We’ll see about getting that thing off when we get back to the ship

STRAHA collapses to which DOCTOR WHAT simply rolls his eyes. He pulls up his condom a bit to allow his mouth to be out then speaks into his communicator

DOCTOR WHAT
OK, we’re ready!

GREY WOLF
Mmph, mmph, mmph

DOCTOR WHAT gives a brief quizzical look so GREY WOLF pulls up his condom then speaks again

GREY WOLF
What about Matt?

DOCTOR WHAT
Matt…Well….Matt is happy.
We’d best not disturb him

TORQUMADA
(comms)
Here is goes! Mwa ha ha ha!

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT hastily pull down their condoms all the way. The screen goes white and the camera briefly focuses on the faces of the three remaining crew members each horribly distorted by the translucent pink plastic and the ‘extreme pain and agony’ expressions etched on their faces.

The screen gets ever whiter all the time until it is entirely this colour. After a few moments a rainbow shoots across the screen- followed by another- then another.

EXT. – STREET- DAY

It’s the same street we saw earlier only this time it is freakishly well lit.

People are running around in panic as rainbows shoot around the screen, whatever the rainbows hit looses its grey colouring and instead of gaining realistic normal colours gain utterly gaudy, practically cartoon-like colouring.

The camera closes on the COP from earlier, he dodges one rainbow, then another, but then one bounces off a pink wall opposite him and slams him square in the chest.

The policeman is knocked to the ground and we can see intense pain etched on his face for a moment; then however we get an enormous grin. The camera pans out a bit to show the whole of the policeman’s uniform- now sky blue with pink trimmings. The policeman pulls himself and the camera follows him, he then walks away from the camera in an immensely camp fashion wiggling his arse as he goes.

ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Gathered in the control room is LUKAEL, GREY WOLF, DOCTOR WHAT, STRAHA and TORQUMADA

LUKAEL
Another world liberated from vile villainy!
Hooray for the ah.com crew! Hip, hip…

Straha clips LUKAEL around the ear

STRAHA
You didn’t do anything you idiot.

LUKAEL
Sure I did! I helped the Torque-meister!

TORQUMADA
Don’t call me that.
And as I recall events you wouldn’t stop pestering me so
I said you could help by cleaning my door.

LUKAEL
And I did it didn’t I?

DOCTOR WHAT ruffles LUKAEL’s hair.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sure you did, good boy. Run along now,
we’ve got a debriefing to do

LUKAEL leaves the room looking very pleased with himself, straight after he exits MATT- whose power armour is bright yellow with pink flowers painted on it enters the room and takes his place around the table.

MATT
(camp)
Hi, hi, sorry I’m late.

GREY WOLF
Do you mind if I go too? I am
rather tired, its been a busy day…

GREY WOLF doesn’t wait for confirmation and leaves the room.

STRAHA
And I’ve got to…water my plants

STRAHA also leaves.

DOCTOR WHAT
I wonder why everyone’s in such a hurry…

DOCTOR WHAT looks towards MATT who waves to him camply and blows a kiss.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah. Now that I think about it I have…Something.
To do too. Any thoughts on the mission? No? Fi…

OTHNIEL
I have one

DOCTOR WHAT
Grr…..err….yes?

OTHNIEL
I fear we have just doomed those poor people to eternal damnation,
just look at poor brother Matt here and due to the act he was engaged
in when the bomb hit he was somewhat protected from its worst effects.
I fear that we have just created yet another world full of sinners…

TORQUMADA
I doubt that…

OTHNIEL
Oh? How so?

TORQUMADA
Well the very nature of their ‘sin’ means there won’t be much
of a world down there after a generation or so…

A brief look of horror crosses the faces of DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL at the possibility they have just wiped out a entire civilization. The camera fades out with MATT getting ‘a bit too close’ to OTHNIEL.

EXT. – STREET – NIGHT

The same street yet again this time covered entirely in the horrible gaudy colours. The camera focuses on a manhole which is opened and out from it climbs LEEJ and co. Their clothes have turned into still rather bland pastel shades (being underground having let them escape the worst effects) . The men each look around the street rubbing their eyes in intense confusion.

COP
You there!

LEEJ, CRAIG and a female rebel are the only ones visible. A look of horror crosses LEEJ’s face at recognition of this policeman’s voice. The rebels slowly turn to look towards the voice the camera going with him, standing right there is indeed our COP in his ultra-camp uniform.

LEEJ
Have I…Done something…Officer?

When the COP speaks he has lost his stern, authoritarian nigh on robotic manner and instead speaks horrifically camp.

COP
You have indeed mister!

LEEJ is confused but still the fear that this is the COP is overriding.

LEEJ
What…Is it…?

COP
Those clothes! Ugh! So…BLAND! Ouch! You are
under arrest for not being FABULOUS!

CUT TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in a rocking chair, energetically blowing away on a harmonica with exaggerated typewriter-roll-like side-to-side gestures. He’s wearing a Sergeant Pepper jacket and a painfully clashing, neon-coloured kilt.

DOCTOR WHAT
(tunelessly singing)
Chains!
My baby’s got me locked up in chains!
And they ain’t the kind
That you can see-ee-ee-ee…

He winks at the camera.

DOCTOR WHAT
Unfortunate-lee!

We hear the sound of someone banging a shoe on the adjoining wall.

LANDSHARK
(VO)
For fuck’s sake go to sleep!
Preferably permanently!

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him, still singing)
Whoa-oh, these chains of lo-o-ove
Gotta hold on me, yea-ah!

LANDSHARK
One more word, O Grand Canuck,
and I’m telling Erikka that you held
back the…special stuff when you
lent her your lesbian porn collection.

DOCTOR WHAT considers and rapidly shuts up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(under his breath)
Spoilsport.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LANDSHARK’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

We see LANDSHARK climb down from the wall, drop the shoe he was banging on it with, and finally fall into bed with a sigh of relief.

Then his alarm clock goes off and the ship’s lights rise towards day.

LANDSHARK
Fucking arseholes…

LANDSHARK grabs a handy sledgehammer, bludgeons his alarm clock into pieces, then grabs his pillow and pulls it over his head as though smothering himself. However, his door slides back to reveal DOCTOR WHAT standing there, looking refreshed and ready for the day’s challenges.

DOCTOR WHAT
(putridly cheerful)
Wake up sleepyhead!

LANDSHARK
(mumbling)
I’d k’ll h’m, but I
don’t have th’ ’nergy…

LEO CAESIUS
(voice from above)
Attention all crew.
Thirty minutes to our destination.
Report to the bridge immediately!

DOCTOR WHAT
(clapping his hands)
What a glorious day!

He marches out, LANDSHARK following but pausing to pick up a knife from his bedside table…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE REIGN OF SPAIN FALLS MAINLY DOWN THE DRAIN”

Written By : THANDE

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

Most of the Ah.commers are already present. As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT struts in followed by a groggy LANDSHARK with murder in his eyes. DOCTOR WHAT claps his hands like a primary school teacher and beams at his assembled ‘troops’.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well! Friends, Ah.commers,
countrymen! And Americans,
and Brits, and Aussies too!

HENDRYK
Et les francaises!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, yes, and them.

MICHAEL
Get on with it…

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
Today we have a mission of
the utmost importance.
Not just another booze ‘n’ porn run…

General sounds of disappointment from the crew.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But it’s been three whole days since the last one!

STRAHA
Yeah, like, I’ve already burned through
half of that pot you brought back!
Shoddy stuff too…

DOCTOR WHAT
(still ignoring them)
This was a mission given to me
by IAN himself, the last time we
visited the Hub.

The grumbling turns to impressed murmurs.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So what did the Great Ian want?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll tell you…

SFX. – SMEARY DREAMS OF REMINISCENCE – FADING TO INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY

IAN and DOCTOR WHAT are sitting in a dingy booth in a dimly lit section of Ouroboros, with few patrons in the background.

DOCTOR WHAT
So what’s this mission about?

IAN
There have been…upheavals lately.
All this Fallen activity, and that’s only
the half of it…

IAN lowers his voice significantly; both he and DOCTOR WHAT lean in conspiratorially.

IAN
Anyway. There are some dangerous items
strewn across the multiverse, and I want your
Ah.com crew to retrieve them for me.
Particularly since other, dark forces are
searching for them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Mmm-kay.
Can I get a refill here?

SFX. – SMEARY DREAMS OF REMINISCENCE – FADING TO INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What kind of items?

DOCTOR WHAT
All sorts. Mystic artefacts,
Dangerous weapons-

WEAPON M
Dangerous weapons!
Goody!

DOCTOR WHAT
But this time he’s sent us
after a mineral deposit.

Sounds of disappointment.

LANDSHARK
A mineral deposit?!
That’s gripping drama, is it?

DIAMOND
Remember what happened
the last time we searched for minerals…

All the Ah.commers shudder.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Is the AC broken again?
I don’t want to have to fix it…

DOCTOR WHAT
(continuing)
This is no ordinary mineral.
It’s Hardaeznite, the active ingredient
of crosstime bombs.
If one of the Fallen gets their hands on it,
goodbye several Timelines.

HENDRYK
So one of the Fallen wants it?
I hope it’s that Collins character.
I’ll get him next time!

HENDRYK hefts his Mauser knockoff with a strange expression on his face. MICHAEL and MATT, standing on either side, nervously edge away.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his head)
None of the Fallen have the
transport or tech to find it.
But there are some who do, willing to
sell it to the highest bidder.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – WARD’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

There is a click, a soft whirr, and upon a white painted bulkhead a picture appears.

WARD is staring intently at the picture, GRIMM REAPER sitting in a seat near him.

All is quiet for a moment.

WARD
(staring intently at projected picture)
I’ve just heard some news.

GRIMM REAPER
Oh, please tell.

WARD
(staring intently at projected picture)
Seems there’s some kind of mineral called Hardaeznite
that is used in creating crosstime bombs.

GRIMM REAPER
interesting… it could have some potential for
further destruction in the coming months.
(grins

WARD
(staring intently at projected picture)
What and the AH.commers are after is.

GRIMM REAPER
(nods in understanding)
I see…

WARD
(staring intently at projected picture)
We need to get our hands on this mineral.
(long silence)
You’ll take command of the ship, take us to this alternate earth,
and lead the mission to take control of this mineral.

GRIMM REAPER
Take command? Me?

WARD
(staring intently at projected picture)
I’m busy…
You are dismissed.

GRIMM REAPER gets up and silently leaves the quarters.

WARD continues to stare intently at the picture, there’s a click, a soft whirr, and the picture changes.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER paces the deck of the Control Room, glancing occasionally at WARD’s empty command chair. The main screen shows a swirling vortex – the ship is still in crosstime transit.

GRIMM REAPER
Fortyseven!
Target ETA?

FORTYSEVEN
Bilbao, sir!

GRIMM REAPER
(sighing)
That joke wasn’t funny the
first 300 times you did it, either.
It’s time for another trip to the Booth!

With shuffling feet, FORTYSEVEN leaves. In the background of the next few lines, we hear him screaming distantly. GRIMM REAPER glances to MERRYPRANKSTER.

GRIMM REAPER
How about you?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Twenty minutes sir!

GRIMM REAPER
(grudgingly)
Better.

MERRY PRANKSTER bows his head in relief, when he suddenly stiffens and we see the blade of a scythe has nestled behind his ear.

GRIMM REAPER
(quietly)
But not good enough.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Yes-sir?

GRIMM REAPER
They say that fool What
is after the Hardaeznite too!
I want us there yesterday!
Or I’ll give you a short back and
sides you’ll never forget!

MERRYPRANKSTER
(terrified)
Yessir!

MERRYPRANKSTER spins around and desperately hits controls. The whine of the engines slowly grows in pitch. GRIMM REAPER turns as FEEALIN appears next to him, holding a tray.

FEEALIN
Your elevenses, sir.

GRIMM REAPER
About time too.

GRIMM REAPER takes a slice of fruit off the tray and is about to bite into it, when he stops and eyes it.

GRIMM REAPER
(suspiciously)
Is this melon?

FEEALIN
Only the finest.

GRIMM REAPER
I think not.
I don’t care for artificial sweeteners.

GRIMM REAPER raises the tray and smashes it down on FEEALIN’s head; FEEALIN falls.

Then the vortex vanishes to be replaced by Earth.

MERRYPRANKSTER
We’ve arrived, sir!

GRIMM REAPER
Time to steal it from under What’s
overly large nose.

GRIMM REAPER heads for the Lift, MERRYPRANKSTER following.

EXT. – CF.NET SHIP – SPACE – NIGHT

We see the Cf.net ship, then pull back, across the day and night side of Earth, to a point opposite. A vortex appears and the Ah.com ship emerges. Zoom in…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT nods and relinquishes the command chair to HENDRYK.

DOCTOR WHAT
This is it. This is the timeline.
From the information Ian gave me, this place seems to be
lagging behind in the scientific development area.

MICHAEL
(sarcastically)
Yeah, says the guy who’s standing in the Control Room
of a ship that can cross into alternate universes and for all
intents and purposes is a starship. Compared to that every
bloody timeline is lagging behind us development wise.

DOCTOR WHAT
This world is on a development level of about the late 18th century.

MATT
(hefts his BFG)
Hey, bet there’s a colony in America that’s about
ripe to rebel and kick some English ass.

LANDSHARK
(grabs the BFG)
Not bloody likely.
You damned Colonials ruined
everything for the British Empire.

MATT and LANDSHARK begin wrestling with the BFG, which fires random plasma blasts at the ceiling. Things shatter and spark in the best traditions of Star Trek.

LEO CAESIUS
Stop it! You’re tickling me!
In any case, there are no Americans here.

LANDSHARK
Yay!

LEO CAESIUS
Or free Englishmen.

LANDSHARK
Boo!

DOCTOR WHAT
The Pod is that the Spanish Armada succeeded. Now
the Spanish Empire is the premier superpower of the planet.
Spanish Rule of the world did not help in the progression of science.

LEO CAESIUS
Intercepting transmissions…

MICHAEL
What transmissions?
There’s no radio in a world that’s
pretty much the late 18th century.

LEO CAESIUS
(with dignity)
I’m a very good listener.

GREY WOLF stares at a screen, information appearing.

GREY WOLF
Um, it says here that the Spaniards have conquered
nearly all the Protestant nations, and France is cowed…

OTHNIEL
If those powers are gone, who’s colonising?

GBW
Just the Spaniards.
They have all the Americas, at least nominally,
plus South Africa and colonies in India and Australia.

DIAMOND
Who else is there?

GBW
Russia’s the only other big power, and it’s moving
towards an alliance with the smaller ones that
oppose Spain – Sweden and the Ottoman Empire.

STRAHA
Those three?!
That’s…whacked-up…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

LEO CAESIUS
Yes. It’s well known all three
support resistance groups inside
Spanish territory…
And the Spaniards are threatening
war if they sign a treaty.
A war which there is a very real
possibility they could win.

Shivers all around.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Alright who turned down the air?

GBW
Sorry, it gets hot sitting on this seat…

DOCTOR WHAT
(loudly)
But that’s not our problem.
Let’s just look for the Hardaeznite,
get it and get out.

LEO CAESIUS
I think I have something…
Yes! It’s in Britain!

THANDE
(keenly interested)
Oh?

LEO CAESIUS
London, to be precise.

THANDE
(suddenly vehement)
London! All we ever bloody
see of Britain is London!
Why can’t we go somewhere
interesting, like York?

LANDSHARK
Or Durham?

GREY WOLF
Yeah, or Birmingham?

Pause – all look at GREY WOLF.

GREY WOLF
What?!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(turning away from him)
Can we beam down, Leo?

G.BONE
(enthrusatic)
Yeah, beam down. I can do that.
Come on, let’s go to the Teleportation Room!

LEO CAESIUS
Negative.
The Hardaeznite energies
block teleporters.

G.BONE
(sarcastically)
Oh, very convenient.
The firs time I want to do something…
(falls asleep)

DOCTOR WHAT
A shuttle, then.
Leo, download yourself
into its computers. As for crew…
I need natives and muscle.
In other words, Landshark, KIT
and Thande, plus MATT and IronYuppie.

WEAPON M
(angry)
Why not me?!!

DOCTOR WHAT
Because somebody’s got to stay
here and catalogue the new lesbian
porn acquisitions.

WEAPON M
(happy)
Okay!

MATT
Hey, can we switch?

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
And Leo – pack us some period costumes!

LEO CAESIUS
Hey, pack them up yourself. I’m not
sorting through all those boxes. And you
realize I have no hands currently don’t you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Right. Someone wake up G.Bone!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

We see the exterior of a shuttle, which is rocking gently from side to side, and hear muffled VO voices of those inside.

LANDSHARK
Not to steal Ward’s line,
but get your head out of my arse!

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry…
Hey, this tutu’s really small.

KIT
That’s because it’s a ruff.

DOCTOR WHAT
Certainly is, Kit. I can hardly breathe.

KIT
I meant – oh, never mind.

More muffled banging about as the Ah.commers get their period costume on.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey…when I asked G.Bone to load that
Elizabethan court dress, I kind of assumed
Erikka was going to wear it…

LANDSHARK
You can prise this diamond encrusted
beauty from my cold bloody corpse.

KIT
(smirking)
Is that a challenge?

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Inject a note of sanity!
Get us launched!

The shuttle drunkenly takes off, engines complaining due to the high crew loadout, and jets out of the bay towards the planet.

EXT. – STREETS OF LONDON – DAY

London looks less advanced than the equivalent period in OTL, more like about 1650-1700. Also, everything is more ornate and there has been no Great Fire. The streets are full of merchants, hawkers and thieves. Red-clad Global Inquisitors stand at every corner, and troops occasionally march down a street.

As we watch, a trio of Cf.netters, GRIMM REAPER leading and followed by DOMINUSNOVUS and MERRYPRANKSTER, walk purposefully down a street, idly pushing members of the public into walls to clear their path.

GRIMM REAPER
This place stinks of corruption.
I like it!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Yeah, but it’s all monarchies…

DOMINUSNOVUS
True…
Still, what about that woman I pulled?
What was her name again?
(stares myopically at a hasty scribble on a bit of paper)
El Puta Dorada?

MERRYPRANKSTER sighs. GRIMM REAPER spots a boy hawking newspapers, who he pushes casually into the Thames while grabbing one of the papers, and studies it as they walk.

GRIMM REAPER
Interesting…
The Russians are signing this treaty in
three days. The Spanish are to invade…

DOMINUSNOVUS
(beaming)
Chaos! Destruction!

MERRYPRANKSTER
But we can’t get sidetracked.
Let’s find this Hardaeznite.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Trust him to spoil it.
(snorts)

GRIMM REAPER
Who says we can’t enjoy our time he-

All look upward as the Ah.com shuttle shoots drunkenly overhead.

GRIMM REAPER
Here already?
Good.
We’re going to give the
authorities a tipoff…
(grins)

They echo his skull-like grin.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – LONDON FROM SKY – DAY

The bustling city is suddenly interrupted by a massive fountain of water that spurts up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
What the hell was that all about?!

LANDSHARK
(VO; testily)
Look, in OTL there’s a
car park here.
It’s not MY fault if the
bloody Dons built a reservoir instead!

MATT
(VO)
Um…how about over there?

We see the shuttle rise, dripping, and set down on a back street nearby.

EXT. – STREETS OF LONDON – DAY

The six Ah.commers emerge from a back street to a bustling thoroughfare. DOCTOR WHAT is still wearing his ruff as a tutu; LANDSHARK wears a majestic golden court dress; THANDE, MATT and IRONYUPPIE wear their clothes correctly but look ridiculous, while only KIT has the style to pull it off and struts along like Christopher Marlowe.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, London!
We should fit right in.

Actually the LONDONERS wear totally different styles of clothing and are pointing and laughing at the Ah.commers.

DOCTOR WHAT
Time to begin our search for
the Hardaeznite!
(he pulls out a bulky comm box)
Leo! Can you narrow it down?

LEO CAESIUS
Negative, Doctor.
The shuttle’s sensors are
swamped by the emissions.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
Very well. We’ll just have
to do this the old-fashioned way.

MATT
So what’s it look like?

DOCTOR WHAT
(vaguely)
A lump of grey stone.

LANDSHARK
(sarcastically)
Great. So we’re looking
for a lump of grey stone in
a city made out of lumps of grey stone.

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring)
All right then – it’s agreed.
We split up and search.

Sighs.

MATT
Can we enjoy ourselves?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well –
No sleeping with anyone,
no property damage,
no murder-

LANDSHARK
You could have just said ‘no’.

The Ah.commers disperse. DOCTOR WHAT approaches a passer-by.

DOCTOR WHAT
Morning!
Could you tell me if you’ve
seen a lump of grey stone hereabouts?

PASSER-BY hurries away, muttering:

PASSER-BY
El loco maldito Napolitano!

DOCTOR WHAT
(waving)
Fine, whatever…

Two GLOBAL INQUISITORS, ATREIDES and CONDOTTIERO, are pointing at DOCTOR WHAT and muttering.

ATREIDES
Fits the description.

CONDOTTIERO
Get him.

They approach the oblivious DOCTOR WHAT and lay hands on each shoulder. DOCTOR WHAT turns.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, I didn’t see you there…

ATREIDES
Sir, you are searching for grey stone?
We can help you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really?

CONDOTTIERO
Yes. Here’s one.

ATREIDES hits DOCTOR WHAT on the head with a cobblestone. DOCTOR WHAT falls.

CONDOTTIERO
Good work. We’ll take him
back to the Master, and then…

They grin evilly at each other, hoist DOCTOR WHAT on their shoulders and leave. DOMINUSNOVUS’ head emerges from a window and nods.

INT. – CF.NETTERS’ LODGINGS – DAY

We see the window from the other side, and DOMINUSNOVUS’ head retreating. He closes the window as the contents of a chamberpot fall from a higher window.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Hey!
That could have gone on my head and
damaged my awe-inspiring looks!

MERRYPRANKSTER
(muttering to himself)
Well, it’d make a change for
shit to go INTO his mouth…

The room is small, with cheap furniture. GRIMM REAPER sits in the best chair. BULGAROKTONOS comes in, wiping his brow with a cloth.

GRIMM REAPER
Yes, yes, but any word
on the Hardaeznite?

BULGAROKTONOS
(wincing)
Nothing.

GRIMM REAPER
Hmmph. In that case, go out
and make enquiries.

BULGAROKTONOS exits.

GRIMM REAPER
Still – What is captured, Dominus?

DOMINUSNOVUS
(nodding)
The Inquisition just dragged him in.

GRIMM REAPER
E cellent…
At least we can search without competition.

DOMINUSNOVUS
But the other Ah.commers are still out there…

GRIMM REAPER
Them? Pah! Without What’s leadership
they’ll soon revert to wandering around
searching for booze, porn and random acts
of destruction!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Sir, these are the people Ian Himself
picked for this task! I bet their slapdash
is just a cover, and beneath it they’re
all cool professionals…

Wipe to:

EXT. – STREETS OF LONDON – DAY

LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE are walking together, looking bored. LANDSHARK punches a passer-by in the face and IRONYUPPIE kicks one in the groin.

LANDSHARK
It’s not the same…
Surely if we just burned
a few buildings he wouldn’t notice…

IRONYUPPIE
He wouldn’t, but Leo would.
And for all his faults, Bruno does
have a knack for finding the best
lesbian porn.

LANDSHARK
(sudden evil expression)
Yeah…about that…

Suddenly a haywain, pulled by a countryman on a carthorse, pulls out in front of them. As we watch, a hand emerges from the hay and cuts the cart free from the horse.

LANDSHARK
Oi! Stop blocking the road or I’ll make
Ken’s congestion charge retroactive!

The haywain suddenly begins shaking from side to side, while strangled squawks emerge from within. Hay drifts down onto IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK, who irritably flick it away.

LANDSHARK
I’m warning you…

LANDSHARK pulls a lever, opening the haywain’s back. Hay falls onto the cobbles, together with two bodies – those of KIT and a scared LONDONER.

KIT
(panting)
Hi!
I think I’ve got a lead.

KIT gestures at the LONDONER.

KIT
This chap Fellatio is in
with the anti-Spanish resistance.
The’ve spies everywhere –
could know where the
Hardaeznite is.

IRONYUPPIE
(sceptically)
He just…told you this?

KIT
(grins)
Not at first, but I can
be very…persuasive.

KIT twists FELLATIO NELSON’s arm.

KIT
Where are you meeting
the resistance leaders?

FELLATIO NELSON
(white faced)
I’d rather die than
betray England!

KIT
Right. One moment, if
you’ll excuse me…

KIT grabs FELLATIO NELSON and dives back into the haywain. More shaking from side to side, flying hay and screaming – LANDSHARK averts his eyes, while IRONYUPPIE looks on in interest. Seconds later:

FELLATIO NELSON
(VO, high pitched)
All right, all right!

KIT emerges again dragging FELLATIO NELSON.

KIT
(coolly)
It’s a certain bonded warehouse.
In Bond Street.

LANDSHARK
Okay. Bring your new friend,
that’s friend in inverted commas.

MATT and THANDE appear.

MATT
Hey! Guys!

THANDE
We just saw Bulgaroktonos asking
questions about the Hardaeznite!

MATT
The Cf.netters are here!

IRONYUPPIE
Good. Time to kick some ass.

MATT
Sure, but we heard the Inquisition
has got Bruno!

LANDSHARK
(yawns)
Okay.

IRONYUPPIE
Huh, three guesses who shopped him.
I suppose we’d better bust him out,
THEN we can kick some ass.

MATT
Back to the shuttle.
We’ll just fly into the prison
and do it the old fashioned way.

EXT. – LONDON ALLEYWAY – DAY

MATT
…or not.

The shuttle is gone.

LANDSHARK
Bollocks! The bloody Cf.netters
told them about the shuttle too!

MATT pulls out a comm box.

MATT
Leo? Can you hear me? Bruno?
Nothing.

KIT
No, but I bet we can find
out where they are.

He twists FELLATIO NELSON’s arm.

KIT
Where were these resistance leaders again?

INT. – GRANDER LODGINGS – DAY

The Cf.netters are lounging around as before, but now they are in a far larger, more palatial room with expensive furniture.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Maybe we should spend this
money on searching for the Hardaeznite
rather than comforts…?

DOMINUSNOVUS
(laughs)
To hear him talk, you’d think he
was one of those goody-two-shoes
Ah.commers. We rightfully looted all this money,
so why not spend it the way we like? One hookers
and more hookers.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(hotly)
Just because-

GRIMM REAPER
(casually, but with iron beneath)
Silence.

BULGAROKTONOS enters.

GRIMM REAPER
Anything on the Hardaeznite?

BULGAROKTONOS
(shrugs)
Some of the locals reported symptoms
indicating it’s somewhere near where they live…
I’m running an analysis. It reminds me of the time when
I was drunk and-

GRIMM REAPER
(dismissively)
Yes, yes.

INT. – WAREHOUSE – DAY

The door creaks open to admit them. The shadowy interior is occupied by chairs with hooded cloaked RESISTANCE MEMBERS in them.

RESISTANCE LEADER
Hail St George!
Hail Elizabeth!
Hail England!

RESISTANCE MEMBERS
(in a chorus)
Death to the Papists!

RESISTANCE LEADER
(turning around to see FELLATIO NELSON)
What are you doing
without your cloak?
Who are these people?

FELLATIO NELSON
(miserably)
They made me do it…

MATT
(brightly)
Hello, we’re visitors from another world.
The Inquisition’s got a friend of ours, and
we want you to help us get him out.

THANDE
And to get some Hardaeznite.

RESISTANCE LEADER
I see. And why should we do that?

MATT
Um…uh…

LANDSHARK
Because if you don’t, we’ll fry
you to a crisp!

LANDSHARK fires a plasma blast into the ceiling; molten metal rains down around the RESISTANCE MEMBERS, who dive for cover. IRONYUPPIE puts a hand on LANDSHARK’s gun and forces it down.

IRONYUPPIE
Or…if you help us…
We’ll give you weapons just like that
to fight the Spaniards with.

Impressed murmurs.

RESISTANCE LEADER
(quietly)
All right.

They lower their hoods. Leader is LJOFA, deputy is JUSTIN PICKARD.

LJOFA
If you will help our resistance
to the evil Papists, of course
we shall help you.

THANDE
(punching one hand into another)
Good to see patriotic Englishman
refusing to lie down for the occupiers!

LJOFA
Um…well…actually…
(points at JUSTIN PICKARD and FELLATIO NELSON)
They’re just in because the Inquisition
wants them for unnatural sexual acts…

KIT
(eyes light up)
Unnatural you say?

KIT walks up to JUSTIN PICKARD and begins muttering in his ear, while FELLATIO NELSON urgently mutters in his other to try and dissuade him.

MATT
And you?

LJOFA
Well, I’m mostly in because…
I’m just contrary.

THANDE
(crestfallen)
Oh.

IRONYUPPIE
(briskly)
Their motivations don’t matter.
We’ll get Bruno out, get this
Hardaeznite, give ’em their rifles
and push off back to porn-cruising.

LANDSHARK
Yeah…about that…
(lowers voice, leans in)
You know we don’t have spare
weapons to give them!

IRONYUPPIE
WE don’t, no.
But have you ever known the Cf.netters
to fly around without a crate of plasma
rifles to flog to the natives?
And I was planning to kick their asses
anyway, so…

LANDSHARK
Ah…

LJOFA, JUSTIN PICKARD, FELLATIO NELSON and the other RESISTANCE MEMBERS wave swords and muskets.

LJOFA
For England!

RESISTANCE MEMBERS
Death to the Papists!

They all pour out of the doors, followed by the Ah.commers.

INT. – INQUISITION PRISON – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT awakes to find he is strapped into a dentist’s-chair type arrangement, with a variety of red hot sharp things nearby. ATREIDES and CONDOTTIERO watch him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa…
Flashback time…

ATREIDES
He’s awake. Get the master.

CONDOTTIERO leaves.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey…you hit me on the head!

ATREIDES
Correct, heretic.
Now be prepared to talk.
And the master always gets results…

CONDOTTIERO
Presenting Don Torqumada y Norteamerica!

A figure enters. He looks just like our TORQUMADA, but with an evil moustache and goatee, and is wearing a red uniform.

DOCTOR WHAT
You look familiar.
I thought no-one expected
the Spanish Inquisition?

DON TORQUMADA
Hmm, haven’t heard that one.

DOCTOR WHAT
You must be the only one in
the multiverse who hasn’t.

DON TORQUMADA
Silence, heretic!
Now you will answer to me…

He significantly picks up a knife.

EXT. – INQUISITION PRISON – DAY

The RESISTANCE MEMBERS and Ah.commers overwhelm the few guards and storm the building.

INT. – INQUISITION PRISON – DAY

As before. We focus on DOCTOR WHAT’s expression, which is placid.

DOCTOR WHAT
I say, that’s rather nice.
Could you do it a bit more to the left, though?

Pull back to reveal an incensed DON TORQUMADA holding a bloodstained whip.

DON TORQUMADA
That’s not supposed to be how it goes!

The door bursts open and FELLATIO NELSON and JUSTIN PICKARD dash in.

DON TORQUMADA
Heretics!
Get them!

CONDOTTIERO grabs something hot and sharp and lunges at JUSTIN PICKARD, who dodges the blow and fires his musket. CONDOTTIERO falls, his chest oozing blood. Meanwhile, FELLATIO NELSON draws a sword and begins fighting ATREIDES. ATREIDES contemptuously swipes FELLATIO NELSON’s sword from his hands, knocks him to the floor and is about to stab him, when KIT appears holding MATT’s BFG and stands over FELLATIO NELSON.

KIT
He’s mine!

KIT fires the BFG and ATREIDES is vaporised. The recoil knocks KIT backwards and he lands on top of FELLATIO NELSON with some force.

FELLATIO NELSON
(musingly)
Well, that’s different…

DON TORQUMADA grabs a hot knife and gestures at DOCTOR WHAT.

DON TORQUMADA
Well, at least I’ll have the satisfaction
of sending your damned soul to hell, her-
Uurrgghhh…

He topples, an Electric Chinese Razor Yo-yo of Death stuck in his back.

IRONYUPPIE
Don’t do it, kids:
Evil posturing can be bad for your health.

DOCTOR WHAT
Erikka! Kit!
Get me out of here and we’ll-

We hear a crash and MATT runs in.

MATT
They’ve got reinforcements!
Thande’s holding them off with poison gas,
but they’re going to be here soon!

IRONYUPPIE
Out of the window.

THANDE and LANDSHARK run in, they free DOCTOR WHAT, and all of them squeeze through the tiny window.

EXT. – INQUISITION PRISON – DAY

The Ah.commers fall from the window onto an apparently solid patch of ground, which suddenly gives way and they fall screaming into the bowels of London.

INT. – BOWELS OF LONDON – DAY

The Ah.commers land in a pile atop one another.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think I’ve broken my wishbone.

THANDE
Hey…

They get up and stare: there’s a giant symbol carved into the wall – a circle with a horizontal line through with the words MORNINGTON CRESCENT.

LANDSHARK
Mornington Crescent?
The Hallowed Place!

KIT
Which means…

Below the giant symbol is a large lump of grey stone. A large lump of grey stone with a big sword embedded in it…

MATT
(disbelieving)
The Sword in the Stone?!

DOCTOR WHAT runs a scanner over the stone.

DOCTOR WHAT
Not just any stone.
This is the Hardaeznite.

FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
Thank you, that’s all we
needed to know.

Suddenly the Cf.netters GRIMM REAPER, BULGAROKTONOS and DOMINUSNOVUS. All hold guns.

GRIMM REAPER
Looks like your analysis
was right, Bulgar.
Now to take it from
these chumps.

DOCTOR WHAT
You think you can beat us?

GRIMM REAPER
Ah, Bruno…I know I can.
Merry has our shuttle
hovering outside, while yours
is still impounded by the Spaniards.

DOCTOR WHAT
True…

LANDSHARK
But we’ll still take some of you down.

GRIMM REAPER
(clapping his hands)
I fear not.

BULGAROKTONOS and DOMINUSNOVUS fire their guns, and huge goops of glue hit the Ah.commers, sticking them to the walls.

GRIMM REAPER
Am I going soft?
Hardly – the Inquisition
will find you, and the tortures
they can devise, well…
Dominus, tug that toy out of that
Hardaeznite and we’re out of here.

DOMINUSNOVUS nods and pulls out the sword.

Then the sword glows, and behind him the Mornington Crescent seal begins creaking outward on a hinge: it’s a gateway.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Wha-

THANDE
You do realise this means you’re
the rightful King of England?

DOMINUSNOVUS
(shocked)
Never!

The seal finishes opening and, from the brilliantly illuminated interior, the silhouette of af figure on a horse emerges, taking the sword from a gaping DOMINUSNOVUS. The figure waves it vaguely at the Ah.commers – their gooey bonds spring apart.

FIGURE
(booming voice)
It is I, Arthur Pendragon, Once and Future King of
all the Britons! Here to free my land from the invaders!

KIT
(shading his eyes)
You’re not King Arthur, you’re
that Welsh Imperialist, Pax Britannia.

Light fades to reveal it is.

PAX BRITANNIA
Well, okay, but the real King
Arthur was too busy.
Now! Let’s free Britain!

His horse rises on its back legs and flies into the air, upward…

EXT. – INQUISITION PRISON – DAY

Cf.net shuttle’s hovering overhead, but PAX BRITANNIA’s horse hurtles THROUGH it, blowing it to pieces. Plasma rifles rain down on the RESISTANCE MEMBERS, who use them to massacre the Spanish troops.

We follow a montage around the world a la Return of the Jedi, with PAX BRITANNIA flying overhead in the background cheering on the anti-Spanish forces:

EXT. – POLAND – DAY

MIDGARDMETAL leads a horde of Russian troops into Poland. Beside him rides OTIS TARDA, while before them is an ATL MOLOBO, glaring at OTIS TARDA.

MOLOBO
You can’t do this!
You’re betraying Catholic Poland!
They’ll only replace the Inquisition
with the Okhrana anyway!

MIDGARDMETAL shoots MOLOBO.

OTIS TARDA
(with some misgivings)
You’re not going to, are you?

MIDGARDMETAL
(smiling insincerely)
Of course not.

EXT. – DENMARK – DAY

Swedish Marines led by MATTEP74 land in Zealand, joining Resistance members led by STEFFEN REDBEARD.

EXT. – MARSEILLES – DAY

French troops led by FHAESSIG reconquer the stolen territory, while the populace cheers.

EXT. – BARCELONA – SPAIN – DAY

A fully completed Sagrada Familia looms over the city, with anti-government mobs fighting in the streets below. A figure runs out onto a balcony near the top of the Sagrada Familia and stares down at the chaos. This is the Spanish Most Catholic King-Emperor, KADYET.

KADYET
All is lost! All is lost!
All – aaarrgh!

Two MOB MEMBERS come up behind him and tip him over the balcony.

MOB MEMBERS
(high-fiving)
Defenestrated or what?!

Finally return to:

INT. – BOWELS OF LONDON – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s ours!
Now to find the shuttle and get out of here!

The Ah.commers grab the Hardaeznite and hurry away, leaving behind the gaping Cf.netters. A battered MERRYPRANKSTER enters.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Shuttle gone…urrgkh…

He faints.

GRIMM REAPER
(clapping his hands)
Well, it’s a long walk back. Or I could just sell you all into
slavery and use the money to build a transmitter to contact Ward.

Sighs all around

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CARGO BAY – NIGHT

The Ah.commers from the mission stand around the lump of Hardaeznite, sans sword, which stands in the middle of the bay.

MATT
Well, we freed that world anyway.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at it avariciously)
And we have our Hardaeznite.

THANDE
And the next time we swing past
the Hub, we can give it to Ian!

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Of course…

TORQUMADA enters.

TORQUMADA
There you are! Time for your
weekly shots…

DOCTOR WHAT screams and runs.

TORQUMADA
Was it something I said?

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. AH.COM LOUNGE –DAY

GBW sits on a comfortable sofa and reads the newspaper. MICHAEL comes in with an “Elektra” DVD and shuts the door behind him. He takes a few steps, then goes back and checks it. He walks forward, and then goes back to check.

GBW, on the sofa, slams down the magazine.

GBW
The door won’t just come open!

MICHAEL
You can never be too careful
these days. With CFers
and Google Spiders running about.

GBW
They’re not HERE, on the ship!

MICHAEL steps over to the sofa and sits down next to GBW. He opens the DVD case, closes, and opens it again. GBW grinds his teeth, but forces himself to grin.

GBW
I don’t think a Google
Spider will pop out of the box.

MICHAEL nods.

MICHAEL
But what about Yahoo
Slurp Spiders?

GBW plays along.

GBW
Nobody’s actually SEEN a Yahoo
Slurp Spider. They’re only rumored to exist.

MICHAEL
Crosstime bombs
were once only rumored to exist.

GBW starts to disagree, but decides it’s not worth the effort.

GBW
“Right. Logic and reason. Sorry.”

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“GREATER TEXAS”

Written By : MERRYPRANKSTER

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH ship explodes out of a vortex into orbit over another Earth.

INT. AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT sits in his command chair, while the other AHers bustle about the Control Room doing their tasks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay Leo. What’s happening on
this planet?

LEO_CAESIUS
Collecting transmissions now…
(beat)
It seems that the POD was in
the 1840s. There’s a United States,
but there’s also a Republic of Texas
that stretches all the way to California and
includes the territories in-between.

DOCTOR WHAT strokes his goatee.

DIAMOND
(munching on popcorn)
Sounds like a world from Sldiers.
Is there cheesy quick draw gun fights on the street?

LEO_CAESIUS
I… I’ll look into it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sounds interesting.
Any notable butterflies?

LEO_CAESIUS
Well, there was no Civil War.
I would imagine without the issue
of Western expansion, slavery did not
become nearly as contentious.
The states are more powerful vis-à-vis
the Federal government.
(beat)
The Japanese rule Manchuria and northeast China,
while the rest has been divided up into various
Hong Kong-esque enclaves.

HENDRYK leaps to his feet, drawing his Chinese-made Mauser knockoff.

HENDRYK
We must drive the filthy
gwai from the sacred soil
of the Middle Kingdom!
Long live the Son of Heaven!

STRAHA
Umm…you’re French, dumbass.

It looks like a fight is going to break out, but DOCTOR WHAT motions for calm. When everyone’s shut up, he points to the Control Room door and then to STRAHA.

STRAHA
What?

DOCTOR WHAT gestures again. STRAHA slinks out. The other crew marvels at DOCTOR WHAT’s unusual decisiveness.

DOCTOR WHAT
The last few TLs have been stressful.
My vote is that we find a nice, peaceful
place and relax for awhile.
(beat)
Leo, take us down to Toronto…
Hopefully we won’t find any more evil versions
of myself, female, super villian, or otherwise.

DIAMOND
(slurping on a drink)
How about those sheep shagging ones?
There always seems to be a bunch of them.

STRAHA pokes his head back into the Control Room.

STRAHA
Some one say sheep shagging?

EXT. AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com ship coasts down through the atmosphere. As it crosses the Gulf of Mexico, missiles begin rising from Texas and shoot right for it.

INT. AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Alarms are ringing. Everyone is heading for battle stations.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Evasive maneuvers!
Counter-missile fire!

DIAMOND
(buckling in)
Why didn’t we just teleport down?

HENDRYK
Or take a small stealth shuttle down?!

EXT. AH.COM SHIP – DAY

Lasers slash the Texan missiles from the sky. The ship rolls, dodging two more.

Unfortunately, two missiles get through the laser screen and approach the ship…

INT. – AH.COM LOUNGE – DAY

OTHNIEL and STRAHA are arguing.

STRAHA
I’m sick of you trying to
convert me all the time!
(wicked grin)
So now I’m going to convert you!

He picks up a messenger bag from the floor and opens it.

CLOSE-UP: MESSENGER BAG

It’s brimming with marijuana.

INT. AH.COM LOUNGE – DAY

OTHNIEL is horrified.

OTHNIEL
No! No!

STRAHA
(smiling seductively)
You know you liked it
when you “accidentally”
got stoned in my quarters…

STRAHA begins pushing the bag towards him, but then an explosion tears away the side of the ship.

STRAHA and his weed-bag are sucked out the side. Unfortunately for OTHNIEL, STRAHA grabbed him and pulled him out.

INT. AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Impact alarms go off.

LEO_CAESIUS
Missile impact in the lounge area!
Second particle-beam cannon
lost!

DOCTOR WHAT curses.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re going to have to land and get
it back. Don’t want our presence
to affect the TL too much.

LEO_CAESIUS
STRAHA and OTHNIEL
are no longer on the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hastily)
We’re going to have to get them too.
(beat)
Bring us in for a landing. We’re
going to have to repair the ship
and get those two back.

EXT. – WASTELAND – DAY

OTHNIEL and STRAHA hit the ground. A few seconds later, the bag of weed hits the ground.

Both AHers groan.

STRAHA
(wincing as he gets up) _
Shit man, where fuck are we?

OTHNIEL
God only knows…

They rise to their feet and dust themselves off. STRAHA walks over to the bag and opens it to make sure none has spilled.

Meanwhile, OTHNIEL has his hand cupped to his forehead, scanning the horizon.

IN THE DISTANCE – A rickety house sits atop a hill.

OTHNIEL points.

OTHNIEL
Look, a house!
Maybe there’s someone home.

STRAHA just stares at OTHNIEL.

STRAHA
You moron! It’s probably
inhabited by a family straight out of
“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

Now it’s OTHNIEL’s turn to stare.

OTHNIEL
Is that a movie?
I’ve never seen it.

STRAHA groans.

STRAHA
Hostile rednecks who will
molest us, kill, and eat us,
Not necessarily in that order.

OTHNIEL looks ill.

OTHNIEL
Never mind. Let’s wait then.
What will come through for us.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com ship, a massive smoking hole in its side, comes in for a landing amidst a similar-looking wasteland.

A door in the side folds open and the crew emerges.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. KITJED, you and two
others go find that particle cannon.
Our sensors indicate that it landed a couple of
miles from here.

DOCTOR WHAT turns to MATT and WEAPON_M.

DOCTOR WHAT
MATT, organize a perimeter
around the landing site.
(beat)
WEAPON_M, take some people and
go find OTHNIEL and STRAHA.

EXT. – A NEARBY CLIFF – DAY

Unbeknownst to them, a squad of TEXAN MILITIAMEN riding in a pickup truck watches them from a nearby cliff. They roar away seconds later.

EXT. – MORE WASTELAND – DAY

KIT, DIAMOND, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN walk along. All of them have their weapons out.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it, why couldn’t you
get Michael to do this job?

DIAMOND
Don’t worry we lost a smaller
one, two of you can carry it.

KIT
Two of us??
You expect me to ruin
my nails and sweat?

DIAMOND
Err.. I sure as hell
ain’t going to carry it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN points.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
There it is!

A wicked-looking weapon system attached to a piece of scorched steel lies in the desert in front of them.

DIAMOND
See, it’s not too big.

KIT rolls his eyes. He opens his mouth to speak when engines ROAR and six Texans on motorcycles surge down onto them from the surrounding hills. As they come down, they open fire on the AHers with energy weapons.

DIAMOND
Energy weapons!
This TL doesn’t have a space
presence worth a damn but they’ve
got ENERGY WEAPONS!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(laughs and points)
Hey look, rednecks riding motorcycles.

A laser burst slices by DIAMOND’s head, shearing off a sideburn. He jumps and SCREAMS.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN shoots one of the Texans. He goes flying off his motorcycle; the motorcycle slams into the particle-beam cannon and EXPLODES, destroying them both.

KITJED fires at a Texan and misses. The Texan whips out a lasso and ropes him. Another Texan ropes him from the opposite direction. Both the Texans pull their ropes taut, yanking him off the ground. The two Texans ride off, holding KITJED off the ground between them.

DIAMOND has recovered from his shock and draws twin pistols. He fires at the fleeing Texans. One Texan cuts between DIAMOND and the other Texans. Both bullets hit his motorcycle and he goes flying.

The other TEXANS withdraw, firing at the AH.commers to keep them from pursuing

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(dripping with sarcasm)
Nice quick draw skills.

DIAMOND
(doing fancy re-holstering move)
Thanks.
(beat)
Asshole.

EXT. – THE WASTELAND – EVENING

Night’s falling. STRAHA and OTHNIEL are getting cold.

OTHNIEL
Still don’t want to go see
if anyone’s in that house?

Shivering, STRAHA shakes his head.

OTHNIEL (CONT’D)
Well then. I’ll go up there and you wait here.

OTHNIEL ascends the hill and comes to the door. He knocks.

The door ominously creaks open.

INT. – THE HOUSE – NIGHT

The house is dark and ominous. OTHNIEL sticks his head in.

OTHNIEL
Anyone home?

No one answers. OTHNIEL steps inside, looking to the left and right.

Suddenly a bunch of DEFORMED REDNECKS boil out of the dark. They cover OTHNIEL’S mouth before he has the chance to scream and drag him out of sight.

EXT. TEXAN CAMP – NIGHT

KIT is dumped unceremoniously at the feet of the TEXAN COMMANDER, a big man in a ten-gallon hat wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a blazer, a bolo tie, and two holstered pistols. Unperturbed, KITJED rises to his feet and gives the man an up-and-down look.

KIT
(as gay as humanly possible)
Hello, handsome.

The TEXAN raises an eyebrow.

TEXAN COMMANDER
(THICK drawl)
What’s wrong with you, boy?

KIT swishes his hips.

KIT
Nothing, sexy.

The TEXAN pales.

TEXAN COMMANDER
Great jumpity jackrabbits, this one’s one
of them.. what do you call it? Gays!
(beat)
Bring out…The Device.

A TEXAN SOLDIER is shocked.

TEXAN SOLDIER
Shouldn’t we put him in the internment camp
with the other Oklahomans, sir?

TEXAN COMANDER
No…The Device first.

KIT
(muttering)
Shit. Why does it always work for Yuppie?

EXT. THE AH LANDING SITE -NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DIAMOND come rushing in. DOCTOR WHAT, who was sitting in a chair with LUAKEL fanning him, rises to greet them.

DOCTOR WHAT
What happened?

DIAMOND
Good news or bad news?

DOCTOR WHAT
Good news.

DIAMOND
Well, the particle-beam was destroyed.
We don’t need to worry about destabilizing
the TL too much. Good thing too, because
Psycho nearly collapsed just walking back
from the site.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It was hot….

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking head)
And the bad news?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The weapon was destroyed in battle with
some Walker Texas Ranger wannabes. We drove them
off, but they lasso’d KITJED and carried him off.

DIAMOND
We figure he’ll enjoy his stay. Since we
all know what comes from Texas…
(beat)
And they didn’t look like steers.

DOCTOR WHAT whistles ominously.

DOCTOR WHAT
They don’t know what they’re getting into.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(smirking)
Gay cowboy love, sounds familiar…

EXT. THE TEXAN CAMP – NIGHT

KIT stands there, flanked by two TEXAN SOLDIERS. Despite being tied up, he wiggles with glee.

KIT
It’s so nice standing between
two hot young men.

One soldier chuckles.

TEXAN SOLDIER #1
Enjoy your last moments as a gay.

TEXAN SOLDIER #2
The last queer we caught only lasted
two minutes before The Device took effect.

KITJED is now looking a little bit afraid.

An ominous rumble echoes from offscreen.

INT. THE SCARY FAMILY BASEMENT – NIGHT

OTHNIEL has had most of his clothes removed and is tied down. A dozen GROSS INBRED REDNECKS hover around him. One of them is seven feet tall and has a “Leatherface” mask.

An especially-scary old woman leans in over OTHNIEL.

SCARY INBRED OLD WOMAN
So nice and fresh…so nice and fresh.

A NASTY HUMPBACKED MAN strides in.

NASTY HUMPBACKED MAN
We know there’s another one of you
Oklahomans out there somewhere.
(he shows OTHNIEL the bag of weed)
He got away, but he left the bag behind.

OTHNIEL stutters a bit before answering.

OTHNIEL
Ok…Oklahomans?
There must be some mistake…
I’m from Utah.

The assembled grisly gang cackles.

SCARY INBRED OLD WOMAN
Yer from Utah? One of ‘em…

OTHNIEL
No! No! I’m not one of them!

NASTY HUMPBACKED MAN
From Utah and not one of ‘em?
(shrugs)
Help us catch your friend and you’ll get a reward.
You’ll be eaten first.

OTHNIEL
Isn’t the usual reward for help to be eaten
last?

The grisly gang laughs.

SCARY INBRED WOMAN
Nope. The one who gets eaten last gets
ass raped while we’re eating the others.

OTHNIEL
(shouting)
Never! NEVER!

The gang laughs some more.

NASTY HUMPBACKED MAN
You’ll give in soon enough.

He produces a jug of moonshine. Two of the assembled inbreds pry Othniel’s mouth open and the NASTY HUMPBACKED MAN pours the moonshine in. He pours it in for a good while.

SCARY INBRED WOMAN
Lureen!

A dirty but otherwise attractive woman comes to the front. She gives OTHNIEL a rotten-toothed grin.

OTHNIEL screams!

EXT. – AH.COM LANDING SITE – NIGHT

Four Texans on motorcycles flank a large herd of cattle Behind the herd, hundreds of TEXAN MILITIAMEN armed with all sorts of exotic weapons

EXT. THE TEXAN CAMP – NIGHT

THE DEVICE is brought out. It’s a MECHANICAL BULL.

KITJED is visibly relieved.

A BEAUTIFUL TEXAN WOMAN in a skimpy bikini struts out and mounts the bull. It starts going, slowly at first, but faster and faster.

The two TEXAN SOLDIERS are entranced. KITJED is indifferent.

Ultimately, the bull proves too vigorous for the woman and throws her. She flips in the air and lands on top of KITJED, knocking him to the ground.

After lying on top of him and the two TEXAN SOLDIERS for a moment, she hops to her feet and walks away, getting in a good bit of behind-movement in the process. The TEXAN soldiers pull KITJED to his feet in time for the flustered TEXAN COMMANDER to return.

TEXAN COMMANDER
You Oklahomans are tough. But we’ll get you yet.
(he looks straight at Kitjed)
You see the light yet, boy?

KIT
(cheerfully)
Nope.
But I have an idea…

TEXAN COMMANDER
Let’s hear it.

KIT
Out in Wyoming, there’s a lovely place called
Brokeback Mountain. Let’s go up there, just the
two of us. I’ll be Ennis La Mar and you be Jack Twist.

The TEXAN COMMANDER doesn’t get it.

KIT
It’ll be fun. Neither of us
will wear any clothes,
and we’ll tell our wives
that we were fishing, but
we’ll never actually catch
any fish…

THE TEXAN COMMANDER turns purple with fury.

TEXAN COMMANDER
In Texas, men are men and women are women!
Not the other way around!
(quiet and menacing)
There’s only one solution to the problem.

KITJED starts to look a little bit afraid.

TEXAN COMMANDER (CONT’D)
Take this Gay to the Emasculator!

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – AH.COM LANDING SITE – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT is in conference with some crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. After WEAPON_M gets back
with STRAHA and OTHNIEL, we’ll need to
assemble a rescue party for KITJED.

DIAMOND
Why not go now?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We’d leave the ship unprotected.
The Texans might not have space
travel, but they have lots of weapons.
Lots and lots of….

His words are cut off suddenly.

TEXANS
Yippee-ky-yay!

The assembled AHers turn to see a HERD OF CATTLE thundering their way. A bunch of COWBOYS herd the cattle towards the AH.com ship.

MATT and the outer ring of defenders open fire on the TEXANS, who fire back. Three cowboys swerve away from the herd to deal with MATT and the defenders, while three more drive the cattle into the landing site.

The AHers inside the perimeter scatter. The TEXANS open fire. A burst from a hand-carried particle beam near-misses DOCTOR WHAT, sending him tumbling.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO! Start shooting!

Energy fire erupts from the AH ship, reducing the cattle to burnt steaks. The TEXANS break off their frontal charge and swing to the sides, firing on the scattered AHers.

Meanwhile, two TEXANS on horseback pursue THANDE. As he runs, he throws test tubes from his lab coat onto the ground behind him. The Texans manage to dodge the first few resulting explosions, but THANDE throws three test tubes at once and the resulting blast hurls the TEXANS far, far away.

Most of the cattle have been killed by LEO. The survivors are milling around. The one remaining COWBOY spurs his horse and flees.

EXT. – A CLIFF – NIGHT

A TEXAN OFFICER, watching the defeat of his attack, grinds his teeth. He pulls a walkie-talkie out of his pants pocket.

TEXAN OFFICER
The attack with the cattle failed.

TEXAN COMMANDER (O.S.)
I’ll be over shortly. With
reinforcements and….The Machine.

EXT. THE NASTY TEXANS’ HOUSE – NIGHT

A door opens in the side of the Texans’ house and OTHNIEL climbs out. As he walks away, LUREEN sticks her head out.

LUREEN
Y’all come back later!

OTHNIEL smiles, but quickens his pace. He comes across the tracks of the NASTY TEXANS. He sniffs the air, and his face wrinkles with disgust.

OTHNIEL
Weed. They’re using the weed
to bait STRAHA

He RUNS.

EXT. – THE WASTELAND – NIGHT

STRAHA plods along, alone. .

STRAHA
Idiot should have listened to me.
‘Don’t go into the house,’ I tell him.
But NOO….

Suddenly, he sniffs the air. His eyes glaze over and he turns around. In his trance-like state, he plods over the top of a hill, where he finds.

THE NASTY TEXANS waiting for him.

HUNCHBACKED OLD MAN
Get him, Leatherface!

The towering inbreeding specimen raises his roaring chainsaw and charges STRAHA. STRAHA freezes with terror as the madman approaches.

Suddenly, there’s a GUNSHOT and LEATHERFACE’S leg buckles. He falls. The NASTY TEXANS turn to see.

OTHNIEL standing on a nearby hill, a pistol smoking in his hand.

THE NASTY TEXANS howl with anger and CHARGE. Suddenly…

A COMANCHE WAR PARTY rides in. With brutal efficiency, they destroy the nasty Texans. Before the two AHers can exhale with relief, COMANCHE WARRIORS sweep them up and carry them away.

WEAPON_M and THE RESCUE PARTY witness this from a nearby hill. They set off in pursuit.

LATER

WEAPON_M and the AH.com relief party ascend the hills towards the COMANCHE CAMP. As they approach, they see OTHNIEL and STRAHA buried up to their necks at the feet of the Comanche chief TEN BEARS.

EXT. – THE COMANCHE CAMP – NIGHT

As the AHers approach, TEN BEARS and his COMANCHES ride out to meet them. They’re carrying a mix of Old West rifles, modern assault weapons, and even a couple of hand-held energy weapons.

Both parties come to a halt a few yards apart. WEAPON_M steps forward.

WEAPON_M
You be Ten Bears?

TEN BEARS
I am Ten Bears.

WEAPON_M
I’m Weapon_M

TEN BEARS
I have heard. You’ve slept with two women
at the same time. You also have lots and lots
of guns. You may go in peace.

WEAPON_M
I reckon not.

TEN BEARS
Then you will die.

WEAPON_M
I came here to die with you. Or live with you. Dying ain’t so
hard for men like you and me, it’s living that’s hard; when all
you ever cared about has been butchered or raped. Governments
don’t live together, people live together. With governments you
don’t always get a fair word or a fair fight. Well I’ve come here
to give you either one, or get either one from you. I came here
like this so you’ll know my word of life is then true.

TEN BEARS
And your word of death?

WEAPON_M
It’s here in my guns, and yours.
(beat)
I’m here for either one.

TEN_BEARS
There is iron in your word of death for all
Comanche to see. And so there is iron in your words
of life. No signed paper can hold the iron, it must
come from men. The words of Ten Bears carries the
same iron of life and death. It is good that warriors such
as we meet in the struggle of life… or death. It shall be life.

TEN BEARS takes his knife and cuts his hand. WEAPON_M does the same, and they grasp each other’s hands.

TEN BEARS
So shall it be.

MATT
(confused)
What the fuck just happened?

MICHAEL
I think he just both their land.
Or they might be going into
a partnership to start a casino.

EXT. – AH.COM LANDING SITE -NIGHT

WEAPON_M and the RESCUE PARTY bring STRAHA and OTHNIEL into the camp-site.

WEAPON_M
They’re back. Now we should leave.
On the way back, I spotted a good-sized
Texan force heading this way.

DOCTOR WHAT
No can do. KITJED was
carried off by Texans.
We’ll need to go fetch him.

TEXAN COMMANDER (O.C.)
You Oklahomans looking for your
queer friend?

The AHers turn to see

THE TEXAN ARMY

Massing nearby. The TEXAN COMMANDER rides in an enormous oil-fired Mech-like machine that towers from the pickup trucks, SUVs, and horses that carry the Texan forces.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the hell is that thing?

DOCTOR WHAT
You didn’t expect something like that? This is Texas.
Lots of oil and low environmental standards.

THE TEXAN COMMANDER
I’ve got your queer friend in The Emasculator.
If you Oklahomans don’t surrender your fancy
ship, we’re going to make him a woman!

He gestures to

A BIZARRE DUNK-TANK DEVICE

in which KITJED is chained. A massive WHIRLING BLADE sits below him. The TEXAN COMMANDER presses a button and the chains pull taut, spreading KITJED’s legs. The whirling blade accelerates. Mechanical limbs with breast implants, shaving razors, and syringes of hormones fold out of the sides of the tank.

LEO is the first to act. With the precision only an advanced artificial intelligence can pull off, AH.com particle beams destroy the whirling blade and many of the mechanical arms.

The TEXAN COMMANDER, seeing his major trump card lost, growls in fury.

TEXAN COMMANDER
Attack! Disable the ship!

THE TEXAN ARMY thunders towards the AH ship. LEO opens up with the guns, destroying many of the Texans, but the Texans scatter, attacking from the sides and rear.

LEO_CAESIUS
(over DOCTOR WHAT’s headset)
Get everyone back aboard!
They can dent the hull, but we’re too big for
them to do much damage, unless they use a
nuke or something.

THE OIL FIRED MECH begins attacking the ship

DIAMOND
(running)
Damn it! Next time we’re teleporting in!

DOCTOR WHAT shouts above the din.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fighting withdrawal!
Back to the ship!
(beat)
Someone get KITJED!

He spots LUAKEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
You! Get KITJED!

LUAKEL
But it’s dangerous…

DOCTOR WHAT fixes him with a glare.

LUAKEL
(sullen)
Oh all right.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP -NIGHT

Meanwhile, the TEXAN COMMANDER in his giant machine is attacking the AH ship with a combination of lasers and giant metal claws. He’s done severe damage to the upper quarters of the armor, though AH particle beams have severely torn up his machine.

He’s about to strike a massive blow on the AH ship when he spots STRAHA rushing towards the ship.

TEXAN COMMANDER
Mexicans! The Oklahomans are collaborating
with Mexicans!

He turns from attacking the AH ship to swing a massive claw at STRAHA, who freezes with terror…

Suddenly OTHNIEL leaps into the picture. In horizontal action-movie slow-mo, he knocks STRAHA to the side while firing two machine pistols at once into the TEXAN COMMANDER.

Riddled with bullets, the TEXAN COMMANDER dies. Without his living body guiding the machine’s movements, the giant mech topples backwards. It smashes into the desert floor.

STRAHA
(awestruck)
Dude…where’d you learn
how to do that?

OTHNIEL
Matt’s been giving me some lessons.

EXT. – THE LANDING SITE- NIGHT

Meanwhile, LUAKEL has managed to extract the nearly-naked KITJED from The Emasculator. He drags KITJED back towards the AH ship while bullets and energy bolts whine around him.

LUAKEL
(shaking)
Oh, god, oh, god.
I remember this soft skin…

EXT. THE AH.COM GANGWAY

The crew scrambles up the ramp onto the ship. MATT, WEAPON_M, and OTHNIEL hold the line, keeping the TEXANS at bay through pure firepower.

MATT
(mock-solemn)
You do well, grasshopper.

OTHNIEL
Thank you, master.

An ENERGY BOLT nearly takes off OTHNIEL’s head, scorching the metal of the airlock.

OTHNIEL
You jackass!

He holds the triggers of both pistols down, shredding two TEXAN INFANTRYMEN.

All three duck back inside and the airlock seals behind them.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT

The engines flare and the AH.com ship rises upward. The blast wave from the engines bowls over most of the TEXAN SOLDIERS.

As the ship rises towards space, missiles rise from the desert floor.

INT. THE AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT grips the armrests of his command chair with fear-induced strength.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo, please do something
about those missiles…

LEO_CAESIUS
The Texan ‘mech heavily
damaged the computers controlling
the anti-missile lasers.
I’ll try, but no guarantees…

EXT. THE AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT

Lasers lance from the AH.com ship, striking missiles from the sky. However, two lasers miss and the missiles slam into the ship’s energy shields. The second missile punches through the weakened shields and heavily scars the ship’s armor.

INT. THE AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT

The ship shakes.

LEO_CAESIUS
Shields down to 10% in several
places. Armor integrity
severely weakened.

OTHNIEL leaps to his feet.

OTHNIEL
I think I know something
that’ll help.

DOCTOR WHAT
Go ahead.

OTHNIEL
Well, as you know, I’ve
been deleting the porn caches
aboard the ship’s computers…

DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON_M are distinctly unhappy.

DOCTOR WHAT
So that’s what happened!

WEAPON_M
(angry)
Should have left you with
the Comanches!

OTHNIEL
(hurriedly)
So I’ve learned great computer
hacking skills! If LEO can
open a link to the Texan computers…

The ship shudders with another missile impact.

DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t hurt.

OTHNIEL dashes over to a computer terminal and begins typing.

INT. TEXAN COMMAND CENTER – NIGHT

The Texan Command Center looks like a honky-tonk. There’s sawdust on the floor, buckets of peanuts on every surface, and a country-western band plays off to the left.

A TEXAN OFFICER sits at a computer. As he watches, alarms start going off.

TEXAN-ACCENTED AUTOMATED ALARM VOICE
Intrusion alert. Something is attempting
to interfere with missile guidance.

TEXAN OFFICER
Shitfire! We’ll have to use
the ultimate weapon!

His fingers dance on the console.

EXT. A MISSILE SILO – NIGHT

Two enormous concrete doors slide open and an enormous missile slides upward.

The missile bears the face of CHUCK NORRIS.

As alarms wail, the missile LAUNCHES.

INT. AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

OTHNIEL pales.

OTHNIEL
I’ve sent most of the missiles off-course.
But now they’re using the Ultimate Weapon?

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s that?

OTHNIEL
Chuck Norris!

STRAHA moans in terror.

STRAHA
We’re doomed!
(beat)
Hasn’t anyone ever
read the Chuck Norris Facts ™?

DOCTOR WHAT scratches his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
No.

LEO interrupts.

LEO_CAESIUS
Ready to Shift.

DOCTOR WHAT
Shift!

EXT. THE AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT

A vortex opens and the AH.com ship vanishes inside.

Seconds later, the CHUCK NORRIS passes through where the ship used to be. It continues on and hits THE MOON.

There is a TREMONDOUS EXPLOSION. When the flash clears, we can see that a significant fraction of the Moon has been blasted clean.

INT. AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

The ship materializes in a new TL. Everyone exhales with relief.

LEO_CAESIUS
We’re in another TL, and in
deep space. I think we’re safe now.

Suddenly, we hear a SCREAM. Everyone turns to look at KITJED.

He has breasts. Big voluptuous breasts. And he’s not happy.
Forward Message

END ACT II

TAG

EXT. AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA, in full medical scrubs, steps out of the Sick Bay. DOCTOR WHAT and a bunch of other crewmen are waiting there anxiously.

TORQUMADA
They’re out.

Lots of sighs of relief.

TORQUMADA
Lots of scarring though.

KITJED moans from inside the sick bay.

KIT (O.S.)
Are they out?
(beat)
Oh thank Bruce, they’re gone.

TORQUMADA
He’ll be laid up for a few days,
but he’ll be fine.

INT. – AH.COM – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT sits in his chair, working on his computer.

DOCTOR WHAT
Need to see just how much
damage little OTHNIEL did.

He clicks the mouse. As he sees what’s onscreen, his lips move.

DOCTOR WHAT
File not found.

He clicks some more.

DOCTOR WHAT
File not found.

He clicks a bit faster.

DOCTOR WHAT
(frantic)
File not found!

He frantically clicks, eyes wide. He exhales with relief.

DOCTOR WHAT
To see yummy, yummy porn,
click here.

He clicks. His eyes grow wide.

DOCTOR WHAT
(slowly reading)
Repent or perish.
(beat)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

EXT. – DESOLATE BEACH – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is kneeling on the sand staring with fiery eyes at something off-camera.

DOCTOR WHAT
YOU MANIACS!
YOU BLEW IT UP!
DAMN YOU!
GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

The camera viewpoint changes to reveal that sticking up out of the sand in front of Doctor What, battered but recognisable, is the top of the CN Tower.

We hear half-ironic applause from off-camera. DOCTOR WHAT turns to see IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND there.

IRONYUPPIE
A virtuoso performance, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
(a little embarrassed)
Yes…well…practice, you know…

DAVE HOWERY appears from behind a cliff and joins the others.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, the damn ship’s refuelled.
Now let’s get out of here.

DAVE HOWERY observes DOCTOR WHAT’s roleplaying and shakes his head pityingly.

DAVE HOWERY
You’ve got to learn to grow
out of these film fantasies, Doc.

IRONYUPPIE
Childlike really.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, I agree.

DOCTOR WHAT
(rises to his feet, coughs meaningfully)
All right. AS THE CAPTAIN,
I concur that we should return to the ship.
Let’s go and beam up.

The others totally ignore his pointed tone, but when DOCTOR WHAT sets off, DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE follow. DAVE HOWERY stays behind, watching. When it looks like they’re out of earshot, he falls to his knees and begins shaking his fist at the CN Tower.

DAVE HOWERY
YOU GENIUSES!
YOU BLEW CANADA UP!
BLESS YOU!
GOD BLESS YOU ALL TO HEAVEN!

DAVE HOWERY glows with teleportation energy and vanishes, while in the distance the other three also glow and fade. A second later, a window on the top of the CN Tower swings open and TWO TORONTONIANS look out.

TORONTONIAN #1
Strange people.

TORONTONIAN #2
Pity they came during the
Festival of Sand, the city’s
usually much cleaner than this.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“AMERICAN EMPIRE: THE HOLDER CANNOT SCENT”

Written By : THANDE

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

G.BONE is casually flicking switches on the control board. Four columns of glittery light appear on the pad and begin to resolve themselves into the figures of DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE, DIAMOND and DAVE HOWERY – but then they begin to shimmer and fade – G.BONE looks up from his Playboy in horror.

G.BONE
Totally bogus dude!

G.BONE hits the alarm and begins desperately fiddling with more switches. The columns begin to get more solid, but still don’t materialise. As the alarm sounds, the door opens and HENDRYK and KIT enter.

HENDRYK
What’s going on?

G.BONE
Dude, I’m losing the signals of
Doc What’s party!
There’s somekinda interference
in the atmosphere…redirecting
the teleportation beam!

KIT
(horrified)
Well…uh…compensate, or
whatever it is you do!

G.BONE hits switch after switch, but the columns begin to fade again, until they finally blink out in four points of light.

HENDRYK
Quelle horreur!
Where have they gone?

KIT
(morbidly)
Poor Bruno’s probably had his
molecules smeared across a continent.

HENDRYK
It’s the way he would have wanted to go.

KIT
Don’t be stupid, he’d have wanted to gone
preforming cunnilingus to the last one of
the Swedish women’s swim team.

HENDRYK
Ah yes.

G.BONE
(staring at his control panel)
This is bad.
I have no idea what this means.

HENDRYK
Well, what did all those buttons
you pressed do?

G.BONE
Uh…

Suddenly the comm crackles.

MATT
(comm-distort)
Hey, I don’t know what you did,
but the air conditioning in the lounge
is finally working properly!

G.BONE avoids HENDRYK and KIT’s glares.

EXT. – DECAYING STREET – EVENING

DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND materialise in the middle of a street filled with rusting, failed-industry type buildings. They look around, perplexed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Looks like the redecoration effort
got a little out of hand.

DIAMOND
Oh, ha ha. Obviously the
teleportation beam has been
redirected somehow.

IRONYUPPIE
To somewhere else on this planet?
But it looked all desolate…

DOCTOR WHAT
And where’s Howery?

DIAMOND
Who cares?

They nod in agreement.

Suddenly two people wearing blue-grey military uniforms and holding truncheons and guns march up to the three Ah.commers. These are Sergeant SBEGIN and Corporal VALAMYR.

SBEGIN
(slight French accent)
Halt! Arretez!
You are breaking curfew!

DOCTOR WHAT
(with dignity)
Ma’am, I’m a free Canadian, and-

VALAMYR
(shocked)
He admits it!

SBEGIN
That saves us beating a
confession out of him.

DIAMOND
Wha-?!

SBEGIN
(pauses; stares in surprise at DOCTOR WHAT)
The resemblance is uncanny…
They must be planning an infiltration!
Bring him in. And his friends too.
Traitors, the lot of them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Traitors?! But-

IRONYUPPIE pulls out her Electric Chinese Razor Yo-yo of Death and taps it into her palm significantly.

IRONYUPPIE
You lay a hand on Bruno and you’ll
have to go through me fir – urrrghk!

Another soldier has risen behind IRONYUPPIE and knocked her out with a blow to the head. As DOCTOR WHAT and DIAMOND turn in horror, the soldier does the same to them.

SBEGIN
Good work, Corporal Quarantesept.

QUARANTESEPT is obviously an alternate version of FORTYSEVEN.

QUARANTESEPT
(smiling)
Thank you, ma’am.

VALAMYR
Now let’s drag them in.

As the soldiers do so, we see DAVE HOWERY’s face lean around the corner of a nearby alleyway and observe them…

Then the camera slowly rises and we see that every building is flying a U.S. flag with 30-odd stars…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – GAMING ROOM – DAY

The room is occupied by a large table. Seated there are THANDE, OTHNIEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL, playing some sort of poker- or bridge-like card game, but their cards have pictures of timelines on. They’re betting with Time in hourglasses, as seen in “Hub(ris)”.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN pours a few grains of blue Time from his hourglass and pushes it into the middle of the table.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Three hours.

MICHAEL
(pushing Time of his own)
I’ll see your three and raise you three.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Stands at six hours – gentlemen?

THANDE and OTHNIEL shake their heads and fold.

MICHAEL
So it all comes down to this…

MICHAEL throws down his cards, which display:

MICHAEL
(triumphantly)
Confederate Victory in ACW!
Nazi Victory in WW2!
British Victory in ARW!
A perfect Triad!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN has gone pale. MICHAEL reaches out to take his winnings, but PSYCHOMELTDOWN grabs his arm.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait. I haven’t shown MY cards.

MICHAEL
(scoffs)
But surely…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN quietly drops his cards, revealing:

MICHAEL
What the f-
Are you cheating?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Just lucky.
One Successful Sea Lion.

And the cards he’s dropped indeed, when laid out in the right pattern, suggest the shape of a sea lion.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN drags in his winnings.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Six hours of your life, Michael…
I think I’ll use it to ogle Alyson Hannigan.

MICHAEL looks scandalised and violated. Getting angry, he rises and is obviously about to tip the table onto PSYCHOMELTDOWN when –

KIT, HENDRYK and G.BONE burst in.

KIT
Something terrible’s happened!

OTHNIEL
What?

HENDRYK
Doctor What’s party vanished
while teleporting back!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh.
That’s nice.

He and MICHAEL shrug, then go back to what they were doing.

OTHNIEL
This is terrible!

THANDE
Who else vanished?

KIT
Oh, Diamond, Dave and Erikka…

LANDSHARK bursts in toting a BFG, which he points at G.BONE.

LANDSHARK
You are going to get her back,
Mister Jumped Up Sandwich Islander,
or your bottom will wish it had never been born!

G.BONE
(recoils)
Look I’ll do what I can, but chill, dude.
Pointing big weaposn at people aren’t
going to help matters..

Everyone is stareing at LANDSHARK in horror.

LANDSHARK
What?

OTHNIEL
Um…
Next time can you please put
some clothes on before threatening G.Bone?

KIT
(cocking his head at an angle)
Yeah, that BFG doesn’t quite cover everything…

HENDRYK
ANYWAY!
I need all of you to help
us trace where they ended up!

MICHAEL
Why should we care?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN nods along with him.

THANDE
Hey, doesn’t Bruno owe you both money?

MICHAEL/PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Let’s get him back right now!

They all dash out of the room, THANDE pausing to exchange a rueful head-shake with OTHNIEL.

INT. – PRISON – NIGHT

Harsh artificial electric lights illuminate the concrete interior of a makeshift prison. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting on a wooden chair, brooding; DIAMOND is lying on a cot reading a fragment of old newspaper; IRONYUPPIE is rattling the bars fruitlessly.

IRONYUPPIE
Goddamned savages.
Jumping me like that…

DIAMOND
Hey, I’m trying to read this
fragment of old newspaper I
conveniently found here.
(adjusts his glasses and stares)
Something about the 1936 Olympics
being hosted by…the CSA?

DOCTOR WHAT
So we were shot into another timeline.
A Confederate victory one…

IRONYUPPIE
(shrugs)
They’re ten a penny.

DOCTOR WHAT
But that doesn’t explain
why we were locked up like that.
Where are we, anyway?

DIAMOND
This newspaper is the Toronto Gazette.
I’d guess we moved in crosstime but not in space.

DOCTOR WHAT
(bewildered)
Toronto?
But then-

Suddenly lights blaze outside the cell and the three soldiers from before enter.

SBEGIN
Well, traitor scum, it seems
your little attempt at infiltration
has gone to the very top of the ladder.

DOCTOR WHAT
What infiltration?! We’re-

VALAMYR
Save your lies!

QUARANTESEPT
For now you meet the man
who strikes terror into the
heart of all traitors!

SBEGIN
Captain Brouneaux Lombardin-

DOCTOR WHAT gapes.

FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
Or as they call me,
DOCTEUR QUOI.

A figure steps forward from the shadows. He looks exactly like our Doctor What, but wearing the same blue-grey uniform as the others. He speaks with a slight French accent.

DOCTEUR QUOI
For I always get the ‘What’
from my prisoners…by one
means or another!

The Ah.commers just keep gaping.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Quarantesept, Valamyr!
You shall escort the infiltrator
to my office for interrogation!
Sbegin, you shall stay here to
guard the others.

SBEGIN
(salutes)
Yessir.

DOCTEUR QUOI
(teasingly)
I hope you can sniff out
any trouble from them.

SBEGIN
(stiffly)
Sir, you know I hate people
talking about how I have no sense of smell.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Sorry, Sergeant. Let’s go.
For the République du Québec!

SBEGIN
And our gallant American allies!

The camera pans up to reveal DAVE HOWERY listening at the window…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

The room is almost unrecognisable. Access panels have been opened everywhere, computers have been plugged in, thick cables snake from one to the other. It’s crowded with several Ah.commers staring at display screens.

THANDE
(pointing at a sinewave-like graph)
Look at this frequency.
That’s not of this timeline.

HENDRYK
You mean they were transported
to another timeline?

THANDE
That’s right.

KIT
(happily)
Bruno’s not dead!

MICHAEL
Pfft, unless it was a Straha timeline.

KIT stops smiling.

G.BONE
A crosstime teleporter!
That’s totally cool!

HENDRYK
Only if we find a way to bring
them back.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(staring at cables)
I think I know how we can do it,
but I need to know which timeline
they went to.

THANDE
(pointing at graph)
See this peak? And this one?
The POD’s definitely in the second
half of the nineteenth century…

KIT
That hardly narrows it down.

THANDE
And we’re dealing with a TL
that would be mistaken for 1941.

MICHAEL
(head half buried in a console)
That’s enough data. We can try
bringing them back.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
KIT, connect those two cables
together, would you?

KIT kneels down and begins fiddling with two cables coming out of console.

MICHAEL
Okay –
Goat, try it now.

G.BONE touches a control and the panel blows up in a spectacular display of sparks.
MICHAEL screams and pulls his head out; his hair is on fire. PSYCHOMELTDOWN helpfully puts it out with a nearby bottle labelled ‘URINE RE-CYC’.

MICHAEL
What the hell happened there?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Let me see.

He goes over to the other console and looks at KIT’s handiwork. His eyes widen.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh, Kit…the male connector ends
are supposed to go into the female connector ends…

KIT
(tuts)
That’s positively homophobic!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sighs)
Now we’ve burnt out the teleporter.

KIT
Maybe we should try something different.
After all, we might need to send real
muscle there to rescue Bruno…
(pause, then dreamily:)
Heheh, real muscle…

INT. – PRISON – DAY

IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND are still gloomily seated in the cell when they hear tapping on the bars at the small window. They glance at SBEGIN, who is ostensibly watching them from a desk but is really engrossed in a magazine. They stand on the bed to see DAVE HOWERY at the window.

IRONYUPPIE
Howery!
That’s the first time I’ve been glad to see you!

DAVE HOWERY
Flatterer.
Okay, what do I do now?

DIAMOND
What?! Bust us out, that’s what!

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah…thing is, I’ve been looking
around, and…
The Quebeckers may be the occupying
forces, but this land’s AMERICAN.
There’s US flags everywhere…

DIAMOND
What’s that got to do with anything?!

DAVE HOWERY
Um…well…when it comes to having to
help you guys against an America that’s
rightfully conquered Canada…

He shrugs and drops from the window to the ground outside. DIAMOND angrily leans out of the window.

DIAMOND
HOWERY!!!

SBEGIN looks up.

SBEGIN
Quiet in there or I’ll
demonstrate the garlic sauce trick.

They are silent.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

The hangar bay is full of battered-looking shuttles. One of the least battered is being worked on by MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN while the others watch.

KIT
So the signal’s not strong enough
to take the whole ship through, but…?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But we can manage this crosstime-
equipped shuttle.

OTHNIEL
Need I remind you, the last time
we tried this Doctor What crashed
into the Hub?

MICHAEL
I doubt we’ll be as lucky this time.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay, done. Everybody in.

They pile into the shuttle, which rises from the hangar deck and shoots out into space.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The desolate Earth from before is visible below. As we watch, the shuttle projects a red vortex and dives into it…

G.BONE
Engaging crosstime drive-

The shuttle and vortex vanish.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT – PRISON – DAWN

As before. The sun is just rising, visible through the small window. DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE wake, yawning; SBEGIN is still at her desk, drinking coffee.

DIAMOND
Now what?

IRONYUPPIE
Now we-

The door opens and a figure comes in. It’s DAVE HOWERY, dressed in a Quebecois uniform, with a bushy fake beard, and clutching a brown paper bag. IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND stare at him, as does SBEGIN.

SBEGIN
Who are you?

DAVE HOWERY
Private, uh, Daveed Howerie.

DIAMOND quietly groans.

SBEGIN
And why are you here?

DAVE HOWERY
Docteur Quoi sent me to
get some toasted bagels
for the prisoners’ last-
(winks at them)
uh, I mean their breakfasts.

SBEGIN
(tuts)
Brouneaux is getting soft.
I’ll take them for myself.

She grabs the bag, takes a bagel, bites into it – and instantly collapses backwards, falling onto the desk.

DAVE HOWERY
Mission accomplished!

He grabs the keys from the desk and unlocks the cell. DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE come out.

IRONYUPPIE
Howery, you-

DIAMOND
I’m going to strangle you!

DAVE HOWERY
Jeez, you can go back in if you want.

IRONYUPPIE
So you decided to help us anyway?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah…
Any America that, having conquered Canada,
turns it over to the damned FRENCH has
forfeited any right to my allegiance!

They exchange nods.

DIAMOND
So what was in those bagels?

DAVE HOWERY
Borrowed a trick from Thande:
radioactive chloroform.

IRONYUPPIE
But that stinks!
How come she didn’t notice-

DAVE HOWERY
(smirks)
Because, in this American Empire,
the holder cannot scent.

They shake their heads.

IRONYUPPIE
C’mon! Let’s go get Bruno back!

They exit, leaving the comatose SBEGIN behind.

EXT. – OHIO – DAY

Ohio is devastated, with Confederate and US lines having torn up the ground. Fighters duel in the air and ‘barrel’ tanks clash on the ground. We focus on a group of two soldiers in butternut: Captain BRIANP and Sergeant CSA945.

BRIANP
(as the shells land)
Quiet day.
At least compared to the Great War.

CSA945
Yeah.
And this time we’ll kick the damnyankees’
pasty white asses for sure!

BRIANP
(laughs)
I think we already have.

Two other CS soldiers, Corporals CONFEDERATEFLY and CODEMAN, approach holding a scared-looking teenager between them.

CSA945
Report!

CONFEDERATEFLY
Another looter.

CODEMAN
Damnyankee.

LUAKEL
(for it is he)
That’s not fair!
You Rebs are always stealing our stuff,
why can’t I take a bit of yours?!

The Confederates exchange pitying glances.

BRIANP
Take him out and have him shot along
with the…uh…specials.

CODEMAN and CONFEDERATEFLY nod, drag LUAKEL to a prison van, which sets off toward the horizon, and return.

BRIANP
(singing)
Oh I wish I was in a land of cotton,
where old times are not forgotten,
Look away…

CSA945
(singing)
Look away…

CONFEDERATEFLY
(singing)
Look away…

CODEMAN
(screaming)
LOOK OUT!

The four CS troops dive to the floor as the Ah.com shuttle roars past overhead.

CONFEDERATEFLY
Must be some new damnyankee wonder weapon!

CSA945
Wait – our Hound Dogs are tackling it!

And indeed the fighters have begun raking the shuttle with machinegun and cannon fire.

BRIANP
(puzzled)
And so are the Yankees’ Wrights…

Something explodes in the shuttle’s engines and it drops to earth, trailing smoke. There’s a muffled explosion on the horizon.

BRIANP
(shrugs)
Doesn’t matter.
Now to get back to winning this war!
Freedom!

ALL
FREEDOM!

EXT. – ANOTHER PART OF OHIO – DAY

The smoking Ah.com shuttle lies at the end of a long groove it’s ploughed in the ground. The crew are standing around it, shaking and smoking some of Straha’s leftover spliffs for their nerves.

MICHAEL
Worst…landing…ever…

G.BONE
(defensively)
We survived, didn’t we?!

HENDRYK
(holding his stomach)
I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

THANDE is fiddling with a scanner.

THANDE
Hey, I think I’ve located Doc What
and the others.
(Pause)
They’re in…Toronto?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And we’re in…Ohio?
Bit of a trek on foot.

LANDSHARK
Point, so we don’t go on foot.

A Confederate prison truck trundles past. LANDSHARK jumps out in front of it, pointing his BFG at the windscreen.

The truck runs him over.

LANDSHARK gets up, tyre marks across his face, incensed.

LANDSHARK
Right. Now I’m REALLY angry.

He fires several blasts from the BFG at the retreating truck, bursting a tyre and then blasting the back doors open. Two figures climb out – LUAKEL and a starved-looking ROBERT6165 in a prison uniform with a number on the back.

ROBERT6165
Well, that was an interesting ride.

LUAKEL
(sarcastically)
I especially liked when they beat us.

The truck’s driver jumps out and begins spraying submachinegun bullets at the escaping prisoners, before he intercepts a blast from LANDSHARK’s BFG and falls to the ground, a gaping hole in his chest.

LANDSHARK
(satisfied)
P-doubleyew-’ned.

ROBERT6165 and LUAKEL reach the Ah.commers.

ROBERT6165
You’ve got to help us get
out of here. The damned
Freedomists want our balls.

KIT
(staring at LUAKEL)
I won’t do the obvious joke.

HENDRYK
(gesturing at the truck)
Can you drive that thing?

ROBERT6165
Sure.

HENDRYK
(dramatically pointing northward)
Then drive us to Toronto!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What about the puncture?

MICHAEL
(eyeing LUAKEL)
I’ve got an idea…

EXT. – ROAD TO TORONTO – DAY

Focus on the prison truck from the windows upwards – the scenery is flashing past outside. ROBERT6165 is driving, with HENDRYK in the passenger seat – as we watch, he winds down the window and leans out, facing backward.

HENDRYK
Faster, Urkel!

Pull back to reveal that the wheel with the burst tyre is not touching the ground, but that corner of the truck is being held up by a red-faced LUAKEL who is rapidly running along with the truck.

LUAKEL
(gasping)
But my legs have already worn
down to the knee joints…

HENDRYK
(not listening)
Good, good.

He faces front again, but then we hear a shot ring out, a crash, and then the truck slews to a halt as the burst tyre draws sparks on the road. HENDRYK looks out.

HENDRYK
(dispassionately)
Another flat.

Pull back to reveal that, indeed, LUAKEL is flat – with a bloody gunshot wound in his back. Behind him is an American sailor, of all things, holding a smoking revolver.

KIT
Hey, who are you?

SAILOR
My name’s Sam Carsten.
I have very pale skin and I sunburn very easily.
Zinc oxide ointment doesn’t help at all, because
I sunburn very easily as my skin’s very pale.
Did I mention that I sunburn very easily because my
skin’s very pale and zinc oxide doesn’t help-

Sound of several shots ringing out and Carsten lies dead next to LUAKEL with about two dozen bullet wounds in his chest. We see that ALL the Ah.commers, and ROBERT6165, are holding smoking revolvers.

THANDE
Isn’t repetition annoying…

MICHAEL
Hey, he said he was Sam Carsten.
This must be Turtledove’s Great War TL!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That explains the repetition.

HENDRYK
(shudders)
Let’s get out of here.
I don’t want to be killed off and replaced
with my best friend as viewpoint character.

KIT
Maybe I can fix the burst tyre with this…
(stares at camera)
ahem, ‘little balloon’, for the children watching.

MICHAEL
(staring at what KIT’s holding)
That double reinforced ribbed
mint-flavoured little balloon…

INT. – INTERROGATION CHAMBER – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is chained to an interrogation chair while his alter ego, DOCTEUR QUOI, paces around in front of him and occasionally cracks a riding crop in his face.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Interesting. You and I are more
alike than I imagined.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s because we’re
crosstime equivalents-

DOCTEUR QUOI
(ignoring him)
But whereas you serve the
forces of evil, those that would
wish to return Canada to the hands
of the evil British, I serve the forces
of good!

DOCTOR WHAT
(clearly fed up)
Look, you’re not even Quebecois!
You’re Italian!

DOCTEUR QUOI
Indeed, and Italy is a fellow staunch
member of the Central Powers!

DOCTOR WHAT
(thinking)
Oh.

DOCTEUR QUOI
We are enough alike that
I know that conventional torture
will not be too effective, but…

DOCTEUR QUOI picks up a 40s-style ciné-camera reel. The label on it reads “RARE VINTAGE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIAN GIRL ON GIRL ACTION”. DOCTEUR QUOI waves it seductively in front of DOCTOR WHAT, whose eyes bulge covetously and he tries to grab it with his teeth, but DOCTEUR QUOI pulls it back.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Now…
Where are the rest of your
conspirators?

DOCTOR WHAT, unable to reach the lesbian porn, screams.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Where?!

DOCTOR WHAT
(gasping)
Dantooine! They’re on Dantooine!

DOCTEUR QUOI
(puzzled)
What?-

Suddenly the heavy iron door swings back and IRONYUPPIE, DAVE HOWERY and DIAMOND rush in holding their recovered weapons.

IRONYUPPIE
(wielding her Yo-yo)
Untie him now or forever
hold your piece!

DOCTEUR QUOI
(laughs disturbingly)
And you think you can
just burst in here and order me about?
(menacingly)
Sergeant!

SBEGIN enters through the door behind them, wielding a powerful rifle and casting DAVE HOWERY a dirty look. Behind her, VALAMYR and QUARANTESEPT take up positions on either side. The Ah.commers spin around and realise they’re trapped.

DOCTEUR QUOI
So sad. So tragic.
So pointless.

From behind him, DOCTOR WHAT speaks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good work Sergeant!
You got in here just as they’d
finished tying me up here and
that treacherous infiltrator put
on my clothes!

SBEGIN
What?!

DOCTEUR QUOI
(spinning around)
Wha – silence!

DOCTOR WHAT
No, you don’t want them
to know, do you? But now I’ve
tackled your little scheme,
and la belle République will not
suffer from your treachery!

DOCTEUR QUOI
This is nonsense!

But SBEGIN and the others look uncertain.

VALAMYR
How can we be sure…

DOCTEUR QUOI
Surely you do not believe this merde…

SBEGIN
(decisively)
I know.
Both of you answer, now!
London Accor – slut or babe?

DOCTOR WHAT
(instantly)
Babe.

DOCTEUR QUOI
(too surprised to answer)
Uh-

SBEGIN wallops him with a truncheon and he collapses, unconscious.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good work, Sergeant!

SBEGIN
Thank you, sir.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, you can put down your
weapons: this lot are harmless.

The Quebecois do so, and are instantly hit by IRONYUPPIE’s Yo-yo of Death. They fall to the floor, groaning.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his head)
So gullible.
Now get me out of here
before I start to like it!

EXT. – TORONTO STREET – DAY

The Confederate prison van, scarred from its long journey, trundles slowly down the road.

THANDE
(VO)
According to this, we’re right on top of them!

DOCTOR WHAT
I wondered what this weight was.

He, DIAMOND, DAVE HOWERY and IRONYUPPIE crawl out from under the truck, tyre marks on their backs.

LANDSHARK
(pointing at himself and IRONYUPPIE)
Hey – snap!

KIT
(relieved)
Bruno! You’re alive!

HENDRYK
C’est un miracle!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, yes. Now, did
you bring the ship?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, we came in a shuttle-

DOCTOR WHAT
(briskly)
Good, we’ll take that home, then.

The Ah.commers avoid one another’s gaze.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Um…

G.BONE
It was sort of…

MICHAEL
Shot down.

DOCTOR WHAT looks disbelieving.

DOCTOR WHAT
But then how do we-

We hear a distant whistle and voice. They turn to see the Quebecois soldiers running towards them.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Get the traitors!

SBEGIN
Pour la belle République!

QUARANTESEPT/VALAMYR
Oui!

DIAMOND
Um, outta here we should get?

LANDSHARK points at a dilapidated sign.

KIT
Look, a pub.
Let’s get you drunk and pliable
and then-

DOCTOR WHAT
(keenly)
A pub you say?
(hesitates)
Yes, it might just work.

HENDRYK
What, O Great Prophet?

DOCTOR WHAT
Follow me!

DOCTEUR QUOI
(distantly)
You cannot escape!

Bullets begin flying past. The Ah.commers, plus ROBERT6165, flee through the pub door. Seconds later, DOCTEUR QUOI and his squad arrive.

DOCTEUR QUOI
(snorts)
Fools. This is the only entrance.

The Quebecois squad rush in-

INT. – THE BLACKGUARD AND NYMPHOMANIAC PUB – DAY

The interior of the pub is dark, dusty, little used. Only a few patrons are about. There is no sign of the Ah.commers.

The Quebecois rush in and look around, puzzled.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Where did they go…?

To one side, we see a door marked AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY, a strange otherworldly light behind it, slowly swing shut.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY

A door appears in the wall of the Pub in the Hub and the Ah.commers, and ROBERT6165, dash in before the door disappears behind them. DOCTOR WHAT nervously looks back.

DOCTOR WHAT
A close one there.

MICHAEL
Why is it that his doppelgangers
are always psychotic madmen?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Because they’re HIS doppelgangers.

DOCTOR WHAT
I resent that…

ROBERT6165 stares in bewildered wonderment at the Pub and all the strange people there. Then he stiffens in surprise and puzzlement as two black soldiers wearing grey Confederate uniforms approach him.

CONFEDERATEFLY
Mr President! There you are!

ROBERT6165
Wha…?!

CONFEDERATEFLY
You must get back to the Grey House now!

ROBERT PERKINS
(seriously)
If you’re not there to help push it through,
Senator Johnson will veto the Manumission Bill!

CONFEDERATEFLY
The white serfs could stay in
bondage for another generation!

ROBERT6165
Um…okay…

And the dazed ROBERT6165 lets himself be led away by the CONFEDERATEFLY and ROBERT PERKINS. The Ah.commers watch them go, then slowly move towards the bar.

G.BONE
So I guess we just, like, go to the comm centre
and send a message for the ship to come
and pick us up.

THANDE
Yeah, but while we’re here,
Doc, you can tell Ian about all those
artefacts we’ve been getting for him!

DOCTOR WHAT
Um, yeah…
About that…
(firmly)
Maybe it’s best if I see him alone.
Meanwhile, how about I buy
everyone a drink?

Enthusiastic cheers.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think I’ll spend that six hours
I won off of Michael on one of
Ian’s Redhead Specials.

MICHAEL
Why, you-

They begin to fight.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – THE HUB – OUROBOROS PUB – DAY

The Pub is full, people are walking about, talking, laughing, music plays in the background. IAN stands at the bar, polishing a glass and watching someone.

PAN ACROSS the room toward a table situated near the middle of the large room. Around it we see five men We pull in close on a person with his head facedown upon the table, a hand clutching a large bottle.

Continue to focus upon the figure with his head on the table as the others begin to talk.

MAN 1
Then there was the time we were
attacked by these space parasites.
Fuck that was some crazy shit.

MAN 2
Holy shit. You were too?
I didn’t think two earths would
have been able to genetically
engineer slugs that were able to
launch themselves into space.

MAN 3
I never heard of space slugs, but
one time we had to stop a religious
cult that was performing an ancient
ritual that would have
destroyed the Multiverse.

MAN 4
Yeah we had a thing like that before.
This guy who created some kind of
device that managed to collapsed
two universes together. He was
threatening to use it on more universes
when me and my crew got there.

MAN 2
Damn. That sucks.

MAN 4
Yeah. Lost a couple of
my crew to that bastard.

Silence descends upon the table.

MAN 1
How about you, Grey?
What mission have you been on?

GREY WOLF looks up and blinks his red-rimmed eyes.

GREY WOLF POV: We see all the men gathered at the table are all DOCTOR WHAT ALTERNATES. GREY WOLF pops the top off his bottle and takes a long drink.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“DRY DOCK”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

OVER BLACK:

VOICE 1
Why are you doing this?

VOICE 2
It has to be done.

VOICE 1
You don’t have to go…

VOICE 2
I’ve already made up my mind.

Fade up from black.

EXT. – THE HUB DOCKS – DAY

A huge ship fills the background, man and women are busily loading it, all of a swarthy complexion. Pan across the ship and we see a large flag painted upon the hull, on it are a crescent moon and a star.

ABDUL HADI PASHA stands with a duffle bag at his feet and KIT stands a few feet away from him.

KIT
But you can’t leave us?
Not after all of this…

ABDUL HADI PASHA
It’s because of all of this I have to leave.
Things have changed, it’s not like it was before.

KIT
But –

A whistle blows.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
I have to go.

KIT
One question.
Before you leave.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
What?

KIT
Fancy a shag?

CUT TO:

EXT. – THE HUB DOCKS – DAY

DMA, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MICHAEL, and STRAHA are standing around, behind them is a giant ship. It look beaten and worn down, upon it’s hull is a scratched paintjob showing the Union Jack with the words AUSSIELAND scrawled beneath it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You sure you wanna do this?

DMA
I made up my mind.

MICHAEL
But you can’t do this.
I’ll be the only Aussie on the ship.

DMA
(pauses and puts a hand on Michael’s shoulder)
Be strong, you little bugger.
Be strong…

STRAHA
This is gay.
Why do I have to be here?

MICHAEL
Hey, we’re saying good bye
to a fellow sheepist.

STRAHA
And I say good riddance.
“bout time he left, didn’t think the
Holy Sheep could have taken any
more of his “attentions”.

DMA
A lot of things have happened.
Dr. What dying to save us all.
(shakes head)
It puts things in perspective.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So that means you leave?

DMA
Doctor What’s demise
has shown me something.

STRAHA
What? Not to be a hero?

DMA
I think I’ll retire to a Sheep Monastery and
contemplate all that I have experienced.
It was good while it lasted.

MAN
This bloody ship is leaving!
So get your arses on or not!

DMA
Looks like my ship’s leaving.
I’ll see you guys.

DMA heads off.

MICHAEL
(weeping)
There goes the only
man I’ve ever loved.

STRAHA
Now, to comfort the Holy Sheep…

] INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – DAY

HENDRYK and DAVE HOWERY are arguing. Behind them stand a large group of workers, looking bored and carrying tools.

HENDRYK
Like hell you’re going to let those
heathen fiends into this place of Holy!

DAVE HOWERY
Come one! It’s just What’s damned quarters.
We need to patch up and EPS conduit and
it’s located in the room.

HENDRYK
Unclean!

DAVE HOWERY
Aw, forget it.

DAVE HOWERY and the Workers walk off.

HENDRYK
The foul unbelievers shall never
enter this holy sanctum!

DAVE HOWERY
(yelling back)
We’ll wait ‘til you’re asleep1

HENDRYK turns and enters the quarters.

We pan about the room and see it’s trashed, beer bottles, old porn, and now scores of Dr. What idols with small candle alters are set about the room. HENDRYK kneels before one.

HENDRYK
Oh, Great What!
You who died between
the thighs of a woman.
You who drank more scotch
than most men drink water.
You who watched so much porn
as to get carpal tunnel syndrome.
Show me a sign!

There’s a long and heavy silence. HENDRYK looks about and then sighs.

He reaches forward and snuffs out a candle.

Suddenly there’s a creak and HENDRYK quickly turns to see a portion of the bulkhead give way and fall with a resounding crash.

HENDRYK
What the-

HENDRYK walks over to the collapsed bulkhead, suddenly his eyes widen as he notices something, and he bends over and picks it up. It’s a small leather bound book. He opens it and begins flipping through the pages, his eyes widening.

HENDRYK
Oh, my-

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW is at his station, tapping buttons and whatnot when a small monitor lights up, on it is LEO CAESIUS, in robot form.

GBW
Hey, Leo.

LEO CAESIUS
Good afternoon, GBW.
Just checking in to find
out the status of things.

GBW
Nothing going on here.
Same as usual. Dave’s just using
the opportunity and Ian’s generosity
to get things installed in the ship.
You should see the things he’s put it.
How goes hob nobbing with the
great minds of the Multiverse?

LEO CAESIUS
Everything here is going fine.
Better than fine, so much so
that I’ve almost lost track of time.

GBW
Well, I guess you’re the
only one having a good time.

LEO CAESIUS
I guess the situation really
hasn’t changed on board, has it?

GBW
Nope. We’ve just been
sitting here doing nothing.
DMA and Abdul have left.
I guess they’re the lucky ones.

LEO CAESIUS
Abdul left?

GBW
Yeah, this morning.
Slowly but surely we’ll probably
all be heading our separate ways,
if it keeps on.

LEO CAESIUS
You’ll contact me if the
situation changes, right?

GBW
Yeah.

The monitor goes dark.

The lift doors open and GBW turns to see GREY WOLF enter the Control Room. He looks around and heads to the ready room.

GBW
(standing up)
Grey?

GREY WOLF
Bugger off!

The ready room doors close behind GREY WOLF and GBW sighs, returning to his station.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

OTHNIEL, DIAMOND, and MATT are sitting in the Mess Hall talking when the doors suddenly open and HENDRYK races in, a grin on his face.

HENDRYK
I have found it!

DIAMOND
Found what?

HENDRYK
I have found the Book of What!

MATT
Book of huh?

OTHNIEL
What’s that?

HENDRYK
It’s the book that will lead us to
Doctor What’s Cache of Porn!

DIAMOND
Really? The Mythical Cache of Porn?

HENDRYK
The HOLY Cache of Porn.

OTHNIEL
What’s the Cache of Porn?
It sounds impure.

DIAMOND
It’s as impure as it can get.
Doc’s cache of porn he’s collected
from all the worlds we’ve visited.

MATT
But we’ve visted thousands.

HENDRYK
And he’s brought back hundreds from ever world.
Even from that Ice Planet that never evolved human life.

DIAMOND
Think of it.
All that porn…

HENDRYK
It is a scared thing.
Plus What already bequeathed it to
the Church in the event he died.

DIAMOND
Damn.

MATT
So what’s this book do?

HENDRYK
The Book of What will lead us to the Key,
which will lead us to the Cache!

MATT
Cool.

OTHNIEL
We must find this.

Everyone looks at him.

OTHNIEL
Although I do not believe in the
religion of What, I still respect it.
And if these items are holy to Hendryk,
then the least I can do is help him
find them. Doctor What would
have wanted it to be so.

HENDRYK
Well spoken, Othniel.

MATT
Cool. An expedition to find porn.
That’s my kind of expedition.

HENDRYK
It Is not a simple task. The Book shows us
where to begin, but once we get there.
We must face trials.

DIAMOND
What kind of trials?

HENDRYK
Trials of faith, courage, and resourcefulness.

DIAMOND
Damn.
We’re screwed.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY- DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN walks into the Engineering Bay.

There’s still a lot of construction going on. The engines seemed to have been stripped away and replaced with another, teams of workmen clamor over it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Man, this is getting a bit much, don’t you think?

DAVE HOWERY
Nah. It’s just a little refitting.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Refitting?
Refitting would be repairing what was
damaged and replacing bits we lost.
You’ve pretty much gutted the ship
and stuffed it full of shiny stuff.

DAVE HOWERY
But it’s things we need.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We need?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN points to a room with scores of monitors and comfy couches.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t remember that being there.

DAVE HOWERY
It’s my entertainment room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
How about that one?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN points to a room richly decorated.

DAVE HOWERY
That’s my smoking room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But you don’t even smoke.

DAVE HOWERY
I might take it up someday…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Anyone else feel bad about
taking advantage of Ian’s generosity?

DAVE HOWERY
Hell, this ship was a converted warship.
There’s a lot of space we weren’t using.
And Ian’s given us a blank check on repairs
It’s not like we’re going anywhere. We’ve got time.
Why not make use of it while we have the chance.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I guess you’re right…
Hey, can you knock down the bulkhead in
my quarters so I can have more room?

DAVE HOWERY
Sorry, no manpower.

TORQUMADA suddenly shows up, carrying a roll of paper.

TORQUMADA
Dave, we need to talk about the extension of my lab.

DAVE HOWERY
But you have most of deck six for that.

TORQUMADA
That’s the problem.
I’ll need deck seven too.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Can I get a lab too?

DAVE HOWERY
No manpower.

TORQUMADA
About my lab.

DAVE HOWERY
Fine. I’ll have a dozen guys
go look at it in a bit.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN sighs and wanders out of the Engineering Bay.

EXT. – THE HUB – STREET – DAY

HENDRYK, OTHNIEL, DIAMOND, and MATT arrived before a dark alley. They look about and then at HENDRYK.

DIAMOND
This the place?

HENDRYK
(looking at Book)
Yes.

MATT
Well, this is a Doctor What thing.
(laughs)

HENDRYK steps forward and suddenly something shimmers. HENDRYK pauses and reaches out, the air seems to shimmer before him.

HENDRYK
An illusion?

MATT
One way to find out.

MATT steps forward, vanishing. A moment later he sticks out his head out.

MATT
You guys gotta check this out.

Everyone steps forward and the scene changes into;

INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – ENTRANCE – DAY

A huge room, circular, made of some golden colored stone, with torches burning in racks upon the wall. Upon the floor is a giant mosaic of Doctor What. HENDRYK gasps.

HENDRYK
A place of holy!

DIAMOND
How the hell did he find this place?

MATT
Dunno. But let’s find this porn…

HENDRYK
We must be careful. The challenges.

MATT
Pfft.
What can they do?
We’re talking about What here.

DIAMOND
Look, there’s a door over there.

Everyone looks across the chamber and indeed there is a large door on the far wall, it’s entrance covered in cobwebs.

MATT
Well, here I go.

HENDRYK
Wait!

MATT ignores him and enters the door, pushing aside the cobwebs.

There’s a rumbling noise and suddenly MATT flies out of the door and crashes near it, unconscious.

DIAMOND
Well.
Any other volunteers?

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – ENTRANCE – DAY

OTHNIEL
You go.

DIAMOND
You go.

OTHNIEL
No. You go.

HENDRYK
I’ll go.

DIAMOND and OTHNIEL look at him.

DIAMOND
Your funeral.

HENDRYK
I have the book of what.
It tells what the challenges are.

OTHNIEL
Why didn’t you tell that to MATT?

HENDRYK
He left before I could…
(Hendryk opens the Book)
The first challenge.
The Glory of her.

HENDRYK takes a deep breath and proceeds forward. He opens the Book of What

HENDRYK
(whispering)
The Glory of Her.
When he sees her vestige,
he is humbled…

HENDRYK takes a few steps forward.

HENDRYK
Only the humble man will pass.

HENDRYK stops. He is about to reach the spot where MATT lies unconscious. Before him is a wall of cobwebs and a dark chamber beyond.

DIAMOND looks at HENDRYK. HENDRYK looks at DIAMOND.

DIAMOND
(in a raspy voice)
Do it, Hendryk.

HENDRYK
(quietly to himself)
When he sees her vestige,
He is humbled…

HENDRYK takes a step forward through the cobwebs and into a dark chamber.

INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – HUMBLE ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK
Only the humble man will pass

DIAMOND
Humble. Humbled…

HENDRYK
Humble. Humbled…

The cobwebs begin to move….

Before Hendryk stands a huge figure of Paris Hilton made of stone. He gawks at it.

HENDRYK
Humble. Humbled…
Only the humble man will pass

There is a grinding sound, the room begins to vibrate. The stone figure of Paris Hilton eyes flash as it looks down at HENDRYK.

HENDRYK
(realization)
A humbled man kneels before her.

We hear a rush of air-

WHOOSH!

HENDRYK drops to his knees as the stone foot of the Paris Hilton figure suddenly shoots out at him, head level.

HENDRYK rolls forward instinctively, just as the foot suddenly comes down upon the position he was kneeling at. A terrible grinding of stone against stone.

HENDRYK gets cautiously to his feet. Now he sees that the Paris Hilton Statue had been guarding a small dark corridor. HENDRYK looks about and spots a red button labeled: OFF.

He hits it and the Paris Hilton figure shuts off.

HENDRYK
I’m through!

INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – ENTRANCE – DAY

DIAMOND
He’s through!

INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – HUMBLE ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK lets out a sigh of relief and heads into the corridor.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

THANDE and G.BONE are in the mess hall. G.BONE is doodling, while GBW is reading a chemistry book.

G.BONE
You know this sucks.

THANDE
Huh?

G.BONE
This sitting around doing nothing.

THANDE
It’s not like you really did anything before.

G.BONE
Not the point.
We at least used to go on missions.

THANDE
As I recall, you used to stay on ship through most of them.
The curse of being the teleportation tube operator.

G.BONE
At least I got out more times than you.

THANDE
What’s the point of this conversation?

G.BONE
(sighing)
I’m bored.

THANDE
You have the entire of the
Hub at your fingertips.

G.BONE
Yeah, but it’s boring too.

THANDE
Not everyone thinks it’s boring.
Leo’s having a good time.

G.BONE
That’s cuz he can get off the ship.
Plus he was invited to study in the Inner City.
(sighing)
We used to explore the Multiverse.
But since…

THANDE
But since Doctor What died.
We’ve done nothing?

G.BONE
Yeah. We’ve been here four months
and all we’ve done is sit around and
live off Ian’s generosity.

THANDE
Rather be shot at and nearly
killed on a weekly basis?

G.BONE
I’ve been on this ship two years and
yeah, I’d rather be shot at and nearly
killed on a weekly basis.
After a while you get used to it.

THANDE
Yeah…

The doors to the Mess Hall open and in walk IRON YUPPIE, LANDSHARK, and WEAPON M.

WEAPON M
So it was this little hunched back thing
called LUAKEL that was controlling the whole thing.

LANDSHARK
LUAKEL
We’ve been running into that
little bugger a lot, haven’t we?

WEAPON M
Aw, fun times…

The three look at GBW and G.BONE

IRON YUPPIE
Look at these morose little things.
Looks like someone stole their lolly pop.

G.BONE
Just bored…

WEAPON M
Yeah. Not much of a chance to go
shooting at bad guys here, is there?

IRON YUPPIE
Not if you want Ian to kick you out.

LANDSHARK
Can’t anger our host.

G.BONE
What are we going to do?

WEAPON M
About what?

THANDE
This whole sitting around and doing nothing thing.

WEAPON M
Oh, that.

Suddenly the doors to the Mess Hall open up and GREY WOLF staggers in. He staggers to the food storage area and begins pulling out bottles of booze and stacking them on a little cart.

G.BONE rises to his feet.

G.BONE
Er… Grey?

GREY WOLF’s head jerks his way.

G.BONE
Can we know what it is we’re going to do?

THANDE
Yeah. We’ve been here doing nothing.
Shouldn’t we be out exploring or something?

Suddenly a bottle goes flying at G.BONE and THANDE.

GREY WOLF
Explore?
You want to explore?
Go explore the insides of your quarters!

G.BONE and THANDE stare at him in confusion.

GREY WOLF
Get out of my sight!
Now!

The two quickly flee the Mess Hall.

GREY WOLF glares at the other three and then leaves, pushing out his cart full of booze.

IRON YUPPIE
Well…
That was kind of expected.

The three nod.

INT. – THE GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – DARK CORRIDOR – DAY

Holding the Book of What, HENDRYK reads it once again

HENDRYK
The second challenge is the
Word of What. Only in the
footsteps of What will he proceed.
(to himself)
The Word of What… The Word of…

HENDRYK pulls away some cobwebs to reveal a cobblestone path. Each cobble is engraved with a letter.

HENDRYK
Proceed in the footsteps of the
Word…
(whispering)
The Word of What…

HENDRYK scratches his head as he studies the cobblestones before him.

HENDRYK
(realization)
The Name of What… Bruno!

HENDRYK takes a step and immediately a stone breaks away and HENDRYK falls up to his hip — his leg stuck through the hold where the stone once was.

HENDRYK
Ow…

HENDRYK grunts as he pulls himself from the hole, the Book in his hand.

HENDRYK
Only in the footsteps of
What will he proceed
But his name was Bruno…
(sudden realiztion)
Oh, you got to be kidding me.

HENDRYK steps forward and tentatively pushes down upon a cobblestone labled “W”. It does not give.

HENDRYK
In the name of What.
Not his name, but ‘WHAT”
Idiot…

HENDRYK puts his full weight on the stone and looks about, noticing the other stones.

HENDRYK
“H”…”A”….”T”

HENDRYK makes it to the other side and notices a door. He looks back and shakes his head, continuing forward.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, and WEAPON M are sitting around a table.

LANDSHARK
Something needs to be done.

WEAPON M
But what?

IRON YUPPIE
But what?

LANDSHARK
Someone needs to talk to him.

WEAPON M
Easier said that done.

IRON YUPPIE
Someone who can empathize…

The three look at each other.

WEAPON M
Paper, rock, scissors?

They all nod.

WEAPON M
Alright one three.
1…
2…
3…
(long pause)
Aw, shit.

INT. – THE VOID – DAY

HENDRYK stands in a small opening, just small enough for his shoulders to squeeze through . Before him is a vast Void. Nothing below except darkness and across the way is a great cliff, with a door glowing visibly in the distance.

HENDRYK
Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.

HENDRYK sighs and looks about, he can see nowhere to cross. He looks again to the Book of What.

HENDRYK
Only a leap from the beaver’s head
will he prove his worth.

HENDRYK looks around and then he notices a neon sign above his head is the head of a beaver.

HENDRYK
Impossible.
Nobody can jump this!

HENDRYK looks down into the Book and shakes his head, wondering what to do.

INT. – DOCTOR WHAT TEMPLE ENTRANCE – DAY

DIAMOND rushes forward and calls to HENDRYK.

DIAMOND
Hendryk!
Hurry the hell up!
I’m getting bored!

INT. – THE VOID – DAY

HENDRYK
(realizing)
It’s… It’s a leap of faith.
It’s a leap of faith!

INT. – DOCTOR WHAT TEMPLE ENTRANCE – DAY

OTHNIEL
Oh, the suspense!
Oh, the suspense!

DIAMOND
I want that porn!

INT. – THE VOID – DAY

We see HENDRYK take a deep breath and prepares to leap into the Void.

And then – he doesn’t.

HENDRYK
To hell with this!

He throws the Book into the Void.

And then – it bounces upon something.

HENDRYK stops and stares. He continues to stare at the Book, which seems to be suspended over the Void, and then realization hits him.

HENDRYK
Ah. A force field.

He uses his foot and taps the force field, checking the width of the path, and then looks around. He steps onto the force field and picks up the Book, looking around.

HENDRYK
(clearing his throat)
All praise Doctor What…

HENDRYK looks around again and crosses the path. HENDRYK walks through the door in the side of the cliff and enters a Temple.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – GREY WOLF’S QUARTERS – DAY

WEAPON M enters GREY WOLF’s quarters and see GREY WOLF sitting upon his bed, a bottle in his hands.

WEAPON M
What’s the plan, Grey?

GREY WOLF is silent.

WEAPON M
We need a plan.
We can’t just keep staying here.
Its’ been friggin’ four months.

GREY WOLF is silent.

WEAPON M
If it weren’t for Ian and his generosity,
Our ship would still be crap and
we wouldn’t have a place to stay.

GREY WOLF is silent.

WEAPON M
Look, I get it. What’s dead and we’re all sad.
But life goes on. We need to go on. We can’t
just sit around moping and doing jack shit.

GREY WOLF is silent.

WEAPON M
Fuck it.

WEAPON M heads out of the quarters. GREY WOLF turns the bottle in his hands.

INT. – WHAT TEMPLE – DAY

HENDRYK enters the door and it opens into a large chamber.

On the far wall is a large shelf, upon a vast array of porn is displayed.. Hundreds of them.

HENDRYK is mesmerized by their number and their beauty. And then he realizes someone else is there, a noise can be heard. He pauses and walks deeper into the temple, rounding a corner and seeing a boy sitting on a bean bag chair and playing a video game. HENDRYK pauses and then clears his throat.

The BOY turns and we see it’s LUAKEL. He gives a surprised squeak, tosses aside the video game, and jumps to his feet, holding a sword.

LUAKEL
I am the Protector of the Porn Cache Key!
Prepare for Combat!

HENDRYK snorts and walks forward pulling the sword from LUAKEL’s hand and pushing the boy back onto his bean bag chair.

HENDRYK
Who are you?

LUAKEL
I am LUAKEL, called Urkel, the one
who swore to the Great What
to guard his Porn Cache Key.

HENDRYK
When the hell was that?

LUAKEL
A couple of months ago.
I’ve been here for a while,
and I must say. It’s
pretty damn boring.

LUAKEL looks at HENDRYK and shrugs.

LUAKEL
You don’t look like much.
But I guess you’ll do.

HENDRYK
What do you mean?

LUAKEL
I was chosen because I was the
bravest and the most worthy. The
honor was mine until another came
to challenge me to single combat.
I pass it to you who vanquished me.

LUAKEL gestures to the sword in HENDRYK’s hands.

HENDRYK
(confused)
Huh?

LUAKEL
You’re gonna guard the Key.

HENDRYK
But I don’t want to guard it.

LUAKEL
Then why did you come here?

HENDRYK
I came for the Key.

LUAKEL
What? You can’t take th-

At that moment DIAMOND and OTHNIEL appear. Donovan turns to face the display of porn.

DIAMOND
Holy shit. That’s a lot of porn.
(mutters)
Gotta buy more lube…

LUAKEL
(in an officious voice)
You must choose.
(beat)
But choose wisely.
For as the True Porn Key,
will give you great pleasure
and the False Porn Key will
mess you up royally.

OTHNIEL
I’m not a Porn Expert.
I wouldn’t know which one to pick.
Which one is it?

DIAMOND
Let me choose.

HENDRYK
Wait!

DIAMOND
I’ll be mine!

DIAMOND stares at the array of porn and then picks up a copy: TRANSVESTITE STREET-WALKING MIDGET LESBIANS – VOL. XXXXIV.

OTHNIEL lunges forward with a small club, hits DIAMOND over the head, and instantly takes it from him. DIAMOND collapses to the floor.

OTHNIEL
Oh, yes. This would be the
Key to Doctor What’s Cache!
I shall use it to open the Cache
and destroy it all!

HENDRYK
But I thought-

OTHNIEL
The faith of What is a perversion!
It must be destroyed!
Starting with this!

HENDRYK
Noooo!!!!

OTHNIEL
Mwahahahahaha!

OTHNIEL rushes for the door, takes a step out, then turns back.

OTHNIEL
Suckers!

Suddenly, OTHNIEL’s entire body starts to convulse. His face contorts in agony. He grabs his stomach

OTHNIEL
What . . . is . . . happening. . .
to . . .me. . .?

We see his eyes suddenly cloud up, we see him become emancipated, and then we see hair begin growing on his palms.

OTHNIEL
What. . . is . . . happening. . . ?

OTHNIEL turns and runs out of the Temple..

LUAKEL
He chose…poorly.
(giggles)

HENDRYK studies the array of porn.

HENDRYK picks up a battered copy of PARIS DOES PARIS (the city) AGAIN!

HENDRYK
This is something that Doc would like…
(a long pause)
There’s only one way to find out.

HENDRYK walks to the door and steps out.

A strange look overcomes him, a look of peace and contentment.

LUAKEL
You have chosen wisely.

HENDRYK
All hail Doctor What…

Suddenly the temple begins to shimmer and everything suddenly vanishes. HENDRYK looks about and blinks. He’s standing in a large alleyway, he looks up to see the gray sky of the Hub.

HENDRYK
What?

LUAKEL
Oh, this was all an hologram program.
You’d actually think that Doctor What
Could build all of this just to hide his Cache Key?

HENDRYK
He is the Great What…

LUAKEL
Hey, since I’m done being the Key Protector.
Mind if I tag along with you guys?

HENDRYK
No.
(walks off)

LUAKEL
Aw….
Wanker.

He notices DIAMOND still unconscious on the ground, walks over to him and takes his wallet. Then skips away down the alleyway.

DIAMOND groans.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GREY WOLF walks into the Control Room, looking for once sober and clean. He scans the area and clears his throat.

GREY WOLF
GBW?

GBW
Grey?

GREY WOLF
Is everyone on board?

GBW
Yeah. Leo just got back a moment ago.
Why?

GREY WOLF
Begin preparations to leave the Hub.

GBW
(straightening up)
What’s our destination, sir?

GREY WOLF
(staring at the viewscreen)
We have a Multiverse to explore, boyo.

Center on GREY WOLF and fade to black:

END ACT II

TAG

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TEMPLE OF DOCTOR WHAT – NIGHT

The sounds of female moaning, groaning, and ecstasy come thundering out of the Temple.

ANGLE: A HUGE SCREEN MONITOR

HENDRYK sits before a huge screen monitor, the blue glow bathing him. Cheesy porn music fills the air and a picture of DOCTOR WHAT is clutched to HENDRYK’s chest as he looks up at the monitor, tears running down his face.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

A light on GBW’s computer console begins blinking.

Pull in on the light, we see a piece of masking tape with a name scribbled on it.

DOCTOR WHAT – BEACON

GBW looks at it, confused.

EXT. – SOMEWHERE – DAY

Bring sunlight break through a heavy canopy of leaves and thick truck trees. The sounds of bird singing is heard in the distance. A large multicolored butterfly flaps about, it settles upon a what looks to be a hand.

The hand twitches and the butterfly launches away.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS.