TEASER

 

 

EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH

We see the Earth turning, the familiar blue-green ball spitted with clouds. In the background, the stars do not twinkle in the void of space, but merely appear as points of cold, hard light against the black velvet night.

As we watch, a light blossoms on the eastern seaboard of North America, followed by a second, then a third…and then they begin in Europe…

We hear a confused, staticky collection of voices, as though intercepting radio transmissions.

RADIO VOICES
…retaliate in kind…missile bases in Cornwall…
Confederate cities of New Leesburg and Daviston
have been completely destroyed…Cispennine
Republic forces have swept into Wessex…the
Kaapstadt declares war on the Raj…the Soviets
have threatened to activate a hitherto unseen ‘
doomsday device’…

As we watch, more explosions blossom all over the world, city after city joining the atomic pyre. We see cracks open in the earth’s crust, volcanoes going off and adding to the chaos, whole islands sinking beneath boiling seas. Black clouds fill the atmosphere and we see the polar ice caps slowly expanding with a grinding sound.

The world is dying.

The radio voices return, far fewer this time.

RADIO VOICES
…estimate…six months until total global collapse…
earth no longer capable of supporting human life…
in this last hour, all remnants must join hands…
humanity has only one chance for survival…
sleeper ship…new colony…Alpha Centauri…
not repeat the mistakes of the past…

As the Earth darkens to the twilight of death, we see one last flare of light from Florida, and a huge starship blasts up from the ground. More nuclear detonations behind it, one every few seconds – it’s an Orion-drive nuclear pulse ship. Huge, by today’s standards, like a vast office block with engines, and it’s heading away from the dead Earth, off past the moon and towards Alpha Centauri.

We pan away from the Earth and see the vessel, the last hope, orient on Alpha Centauri, its engines powering up for the acceleration as the moon gleams softly in the background.

Then there is a TERRIFIC FLASH OF LIGHT as a RED VORTEX burns to life near the moon! The fabric of reality warps and wobbles as something punches a hole through it – and the AH.COM SHIP explodes through into the new world!

The AH.com ship collides with the sleeper ship, its advanced shields ripping a great hole in the ship as though it were made of tissue paper, and what’s left of the ship goes spinning towards the moon, crashes and explodes.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Er…ooops?

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

 

 

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

 

“SEALIONS ON AN AIRSHIP”

Written By : THANDE

 

ACT I

 

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – CROSSTIME VORTEX

The AH.com ship hurtles through the crosstime vortex, a brilliant spiral of blue and red light, flickering with strange lightning that almost forms itself into recognisable shapes, but not quite.

Pan in through a window, deep into the heart of the ship…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – NIGHT

It’s the night shift. DAVE HOWERY is asleep in a sleeping back on top of the engine core, wearing a Wee Willie Winkie nightcap and snoring loudly. Next to him, KEIRA KNIGHTLEY holds a packet of Woodbines over a vent on the core, which abruptly blasts out a burst of flame and lights the cigarettes. Smiling, she starts chain-smoking them.

Pan down across the engine core to the main engineering bay, where one of those Star Trek-type situation tables stands, with controls and display panels all over it.

As we watch, G.BONE throws a green poker tablecloth over the top of it.

G.BONE
Perfect!

We see G.BONE is joined by FLOCCULENCIO, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL.

MICHAEL
Call me Mr Nitpicker, but shouldn’t
we kind of turn off all the controls first?

FLOCCULENCIO
Alas, my Aussie friend – like myself, his
fellow native of the mysterious and alluring
East – Mr Bone, His Boniness, is likewise
afflicted, or should I say blessed, with
a terminal case of happy-go-lucky laziness.

G.BONE
(nodding)
Yeah! So there!
(whispers out of corner of mouth to PSYCHO)
What’d he say?

MICHAEL sighs and throws his pack of cards down onto the table. We hear a ‘beep!’ and, in the background, there’s an explosion and we dimly see DAVE HOWERY launched up off the top of the engine core. He tumbles through the air and wedges between two bits of support scaffolding, ending up hanging over the core. Despite these acrobatics, he continues snoring. The four of them glance upward and shrug.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sitting down)
Are we playing ASBs high?

G.BONE
And wanks low.

FLOCCULENCIO
Pah, ’tis the only honourable way to play the game!
(pulls up his chair)
Gentlemen, deal your cards!

In a montage of scenes, we see the four players flicking down various combinations of cards, and hourglasses of blue-glowing Time, which are used instead of chips, cross the table. MICHAEL and FLOCCULENCIO accumulate time at the expense of PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE, at least for now.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(slapping down cards triumphantly)
Hah! Beat this, Aussie boy!
Chinese, French and Dutch Australia!

FLOCCULENCIO
(looks at MICHAEL commiseratingly)
Hoist by your own petard, I’m afraid, old bean.

MICHAEL
(calmly scraping his chin with his cards)
Hmm. The only possible hand that could beat
that is a Successful Sealion…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angrily)
You haven’t!

MICHAEL
No-o, I haven’t.
(pause)
I have, however, substituted your cards
for razor-sharp Chinese fighting cards.

With a flick, MICHAEL sends a Cromwellwank card speeding through the air, where it buries itself in PSYCHO’s throat with a spurt of blood. PSYCHO chokes, but then yanks it out and hurls it straight back at MICHAEL, slicing the back of his hand open. MICHAEL picks up his chair and attempts to beat PSYCHO over the head with it, while PSYCHO holds him off with one hand and tries to sew up his throat with the other.

While the fight goes on in the background, FLOCCULENCIO exchanges a look with G.BONE.

FLOCCULENCIO
How ungentlemanly—this should be done in
the correct way, pistols at dawn.

G.BONE
And, like, he could have just swapped the cards
for a Successful Sealion hand anywho.

FLOCCULENCIO
(raising an eyebrow)
True, but ’tis Michael.

G.BONE
Of course…
(pause)
Successful Sealions…that reminds me of something
that happened to me a long time ago…before I joined
this ship, y’know? It’s a long story…would you like to hear it?

FLOCCULENCIO, by now, is reading The Kama Sutra and smoking a pipe, ignoring G.BONE.

FLOCCULENCIO
(distractedly)
Hmm, yes, of course, go on.

FLOCCULENCIO turns the book sideways and his eyes widen, the pipe dropping from his mouth.

FLOCCULENCIO
Merciful Ganesh! I didn’t know you could
do that with a chapatti!

In the background, we see PSYCHO and MICHAEL, both trying to sew up their wounds, accidentally tangle their threads so PSYCHO’s neck is sewn to MICHAEL’s right hand. Their struggle continues.

G.BONE
(oblivious of all this)
Sure! Like I said, it was a long time ago…
(puts on deep voice)
in a timeline, far, far away…

SMEARY DREAMS OF REMINISCENCE EFFECT (WIBBLINESS)

EXT. – PACIFIC OCEAN – DAY

A beautiful Pacific summer day, panning over the blue, blue ocean towards Oahu in the distance. Seagulls scatter over the growing waves.

Pan down and focus on one wave as it grows to tremendous proportions, heading for a Hawaiian beach.

Rising to the very crest of the wave is a man in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts riding a surfboard painted with the pattern of an Iron Cross…

It’s a younger G.BONE, grinning without a care in the world.

We hear a ‘HONK!’ off to one side, and G.BONE turns and salutes its source – a great ironclad steamship belching smoke, flying the Hawaiian flag (Union Jack with red, blue and white stripes) and bearing the name HHMS Kamehameha.

G.BONE turns away, bends his knees and expertly rides the wave as it crashes down on the shore, fetching up on the sand and slowly grinding to a halt. He scoops up his surfboard, grins again and walks at a leisurely pace up the beach to the town.

We pan outwards again to show a large billboard next to the tourists sunbathing on the beach: it shows the flag again, and “WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM OF HAWAII”.

EXT. – HAWAII – MOUNTAINS – DAY

G.BONE is cycling back up on a mountain trail, his surfboard slung on his back. It’s quite out of the way, away from the main roads, and there’s no-one else on the track. He’s whistling tunelessly to himself.

Change camera angle to show the road surface and G.BONE’s cycle wheel hit something metal. He goes head over heels over his handlebars and lands with an ‘oof!’ beside the road.

Rubbing himself resentfully, G.BONE gets up and glares at what his bike hit – a set of rusting iron shackles.

G.BONE
Damned Draka tourists…

We suddenly hear the sound of someone shouting and screaming in the distance. Puzzledly, G.BONE turns around, focuses in on the sound and then follows it…

EXT. – HAWAII – FOREST – DAY

G.BONE picks his way through the jungle and into a glade, where he peers through a gap in a bush. We see a Chinese-looking man tied upside down to a tree – AOZHUAHAREN – while facing him is a second, HELLOLEGEND, with a sneer on his face. HELLOLEGEND is holding a baseball bat and is backed up by two Korean henchmen, GENERAL_TIU and KANG SAE JUNG.

HELLOLEGEND
(to AOZHUAHAREN)
What have you got to say for yourself?

AOZHUAHAREN
I’ll never talk!

HELLOLEGEND
(turning to the other two)
Poll: do you think he’ll talk?
Yes, no, thongs or thongs?

KANG SAE JUNG
Yes.

GENERAL_TIU
(dreamily)
Oh, thongs…

HELLOLEGEND turns back to AOZHUAHAREN, patting his baseball bat into his other hand.

HELLOLEGEND
You shall give your inferior opinion
to this VALUED CONTRIBUTOR to the
black market economy, HelloLegend,
or I’ll force you to watch all my Golden
Girls DVDs until your mind explodes.

AOZHUAHAREN
Gah – never!

AOZHUAHAREN lunges blindly for HELLOLEGEND, but the latter whacks him with the baseball bat and AOZHUAHAREN screams in pain.

HELLOLEGEND
(turning to the other two)
Poll: is baseball a good game?
Yes, no, Deanna Troi or Bea Arthur?

GENERAL_TIU/KANG SAE JUNG
(tentatively)
Yes?

HELLOLEGEND
(savagely whacking them)
Wrong! No! You inferior Korean savages!
(smiles crazily)
They gave the Montreal Expos to Washington
instead of Las Vegas –
(sighs in satisfaction)
- so it is a stupid sport played suitable only
for the racially degenerate!

HELLOLEGEND hits AOZHUAHAREN again and, with a rattling gasp, AOZHUAHAREN expires.

HELLOLEGEND
Oh no. Now he will never be able to tell
me about how he found out that I have
EARNED MY SENIORITY as a drug baron
and how I am STAYING HERE FOREVER.

G.BONE
(to himself)
Totally evil Asian dudes!

G.BONE takes a tentative step back and a twig snaps under his foot. HELLOLEGEND spins around and spots him.

HELLOLEGEND
(pointing)
He heard me! He overheard my
VALUABLE CONTRIBUTIONS!
Get him!

G.BONE gulps and hightails it away, pursued by KANG SAE JUNG and GENERAL_TIU.

They chase each other through the jungle. G.BONE bends a branch back as he passes and then it hitting KANG SAE JUNG in the face, sending him sprawling.

GENERAL_TIU pulls out a pistol and fires, but narrowly misses G.BONE and instead hits a wasp’s nest hanging in the tree, which explodes into a flurry of angry wasps that attack GENERAL_TIU.

We pan across to the track, where two men are strolling past. They look like MrP and TORQUMADA, but MrP is dressed nattily like an Edwardian on the river, and TORQUMADA is dressed as a Southern gentleman, Colonel Saunders style with a huge moustache.

ALT-MrP
Now, don’t you see, old chap, that
gun ownership is a very dangerous
proposition, donchaknow?

ALT-TORQUMADA
Bah! I suppose you’ll say that the poor
should get free medical treatment next!

ALT-MrP
Oh, don’t be so ridiculous, old bean.
(laughs slightly)
Being poor is an incurable condition, donchaknow.

G.BONE pushes past them, heading for his bicycle, followed a moment later by a bruised-faced KANG SAE JUNG and a GENERAL_TIU covered in wasp stings, plus HELLOLEGEND with his baseball bat.

ALT-MrP and ALT-TORQUMADA watch the pursuit without expression, ALT-MrP taking his pipe out of his mouth and ALT-TORQUMADA wiping his monocle distractedly on his kerchief.

ALT-MrP
I say, something of a fracas.

ALT-TORQUMADA
Indeed – but what else can one expect in
these savage tropical backwaters?

They shrug, and move on.

EXT. – HAWAII – MOUNTAIN ROAD

G.BONE jumps on his bike and quickly cycles away, bullets speeding overhead. HELLOLEGEND curses as he heads off into the distance.

HELLOLEGEND
(turning to the other two)
Poll: are you two a couple of incompetent dingbats?
Yes, yes, yes, or Bea Arthur?

KANG SAE JUNG/GENERAL_TIU
Er…

HELLOLEGEND
Never mind!
(thinks)
We must find him and crush him before
he betrays our secret.
(pause)
What is our secret again? I know, I’ll poll for it.
Poll: What is our secret, is it (a)…

KANG SAE JUNG and GENERAL_TIU groan to themselves.

EXT. – HONOLULU – G.BONE’S APARTMENT BLOCK – DAY

We see G.BONE, still panting with the exertion, ride his bike up to the bottom to the block of flats and tie it to the railings. He gets out and runs through the front door and up the stairs.

INT. – G.BONE’S APARTMENT – DAY

G.BONE’s apartment is decorated with a curiously eclectic mix of Imperial German flags and Granadine rugs with all those complex Islamic mathematical designs.

There are several surfboards with different designs on, usually left randomly lying about, although one is mounted on a table with an iron plugged in next to it and a crumpled T-shirt on top.

The apartment is in a state of organised chaos. G.BONE throws himself down on a battered but comfortable-looking easy chair, then lets out his breath in a long sigh.

G.BONE
Close one. Grody to the max.

G.BONE shrugs and we CUT TO his point of view – in front of him is a GIGANTIC STEAMPUNK TELEVISION SET, a huge oak cabinet with steam hissing from the sides through what look like organ pipes, and a relatively small screen in the middle. A huge aerial, looking like a missing part of the Eiffel Tower, protrudes from the top.

G.BONE starts hunting down the side of his chair.

G.BONE
(muttering to himself)
Where’s that remote control…
Ah! Here it is!

He pulls out what looks like a metal pipe, then keeps pulling and pulling (ludicrously) until about five feet’s worth has emerged, with a bend in the end. Smiling, he extends it in front of him, inserts the other end into a socket on the front of the huge TV – and it locks in place. He then starts turning the end in his hand and the TV crackles with power – it’s a starting handle. Puffing with the effort, he winds it up and the screen flashes, then the valves slowly begin to warm up with a hum.

G.BONE
(panting)
Whoever said the televisor screen would make
everyone obese from lack of exercise…?!

While the TV warms up, G.BONE gets up, goes to a cupboard and pulls out a box of cereal, a bottle of milk (strangely reddish in colour) and a spoon. He pours the cereal out, and we see from the box that it’s called “Cap’n Cook”, while the cereal itself is, disturbingly, in the shape of little human body parts. He pours the red milk on top, then begins eating it with the spoon, cruching away, as he sits down again.

G.BONE
That’s better.

The TV finally warms up and a newsreader – a stiff Edwardian type – appears on the screen.

NEWSREADER
Good day to you all, ladies and gentlemen.
I now bring you the grave news that an alleged
drug baron and trafficker, Mr. H. Legend, is
wanted by the Royal Californian Mounted Police
for his activities, but King Homahomawu’uuma has
refused to extradite this individual unless evidence
is presented in a Californian court.
(pause)
It has been reported that the only known witness
named by the police, a Mr A. Huaharen, was found
beaten to death earlier to-day; police are so far
not treating the incident as suspicious.

G.BONE
(worriedly)
Bogus happenings.
(happily)
Just as well I don’t have anything to
do with any of it!

As he grins, the door behind him is smashed off its hinges. G.BONE’s expression remains fixed as he turns around.

Two muscular gun-toting Asians in leather, SLEEPAHOLICAGENT and WHATISAUSERNAME, enter. G.BONE quickly throws himself behind his chair.

WHATISAUSERNAME
(leering at him)
What do we have here? A witness?
Can’t have that, can we?

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
(distractedly)
Yeah…

WHATISAUSERNAME
(frowning, in a mutter to SLEEPAHOLICAGENT)
What? You’re supposed to keep up
your end of the whole ‘stereotypical thug’ banter!

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Yeah…sorry…
It’s just these leather outfits are…
really distracting…

WHATISAUSERNAME
(coughs pointedly)
Ahem. ‘Come out come out wherever
you are, little birdy!’ and other such nonsense.

G.BONE remains perfectly still, but as we watch, a spilled bit of Cap’n Cook falls from his shirt and hits the floor with an absurdly loud CRUNCH.

WHATISAUSERNAME
That’s him!

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Give it to him hot and molten!

WHATISAUSERNAME
Yeah!…what?

The two of them shrug at each other, draw their AK-47s and begin blazing away at the chair. G.BONE ducks and dives behind a surfboard as the chair disintegrates under the full automatic fire. The gunfire tracks towards him, but the surfboard deflects it and SLEEPAHOLICAGENT ducks as a rebounding bullet speeds over his head.

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Stop shooting! You nearly gave me a centre parting!

WHATISAUSERNAME
(stops shooting)
Sorry.

G.BONE turns around, still holding the surfboard over him.

G.BONE
(trying to be defiant)
Hah! You weren’t expecting me to own a Cunard Lines-made
surfboard reinforced with lead, basalt and big rocks, were you?

WHATISAUSERNAME
I tire of this. Toss the bomb in and we’ll be done with him.

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Is that a euphemism for something?

WHATISAUSERNAME
(grinding his teeth)
No.

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT shrugs and takes a large round grenade from his pocket. He is about to pull the pin, when he pauses.

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Should I…?

WHATISAUSERNAME
NO! No unoriginal Monty Python references!

SLEEPAHOLICAGENT
Okay.

We cut to G.BONE as, in the background, SLEEPAHOLICAGENT pulls the pin and prepares to throw the grenade.

G.BONE
Oh kuma’hullu’ahua!
If I ever needed a hero…

As he thinks the thought, suddenly SLEEPAHOLICAGENT crumples and drops the grenade!

WHATISAUSERNAME spins around, bringing up his gun and blazing away. But, unbelievably, the bullets seem to slow down and melt to dust around the NEW FIGURE he is shooting at. The figure is not particularly tall or strong-looking but he radiates a sense of pure power.

“Holding Out For A Hero” plays in the background…

As we watch, the HERO takes a step towards WHATISAUSERNAME, then another, as bullets simply fade from existence all around him. WHATISAUSERNAME’s gun clicks empty, and snarling in frustration, he hurls it at the HERO.

The HERO grabs the gun from midair, and with a casual, contemptuous twist of his hands, snaps it in two and throws the two parts to one side. They land near G.BONE, still holding onto his surfboard.

G.BONE
(looking at the twisted and broken Kalashnikov)
Cooooooolll…

WHATISAUSERNAME draws a knife and lashes out at the HERO, who moves far faster, grabbing his knife hand in such a way that WHATISAUSERNAME pales and the knife falls from his nerveless fingers. Behind the HERO we see SLEEPAHOLICAGENT rising to his feet, rubbing a bruise on the back of his head – but the HERO swings WHATISAUSERNAME’s whole body in an arc, with superhuman strength, and slams him into SLEEPAHOLICAGENT!

The two henchmen crash back against the wall, stunned. The HERO pats his hands together in satisfaction. G.BONE cautiously rises from behind the surfboard.

G.BONE
Whoa! Totally bodacious!

HERO
(Middle American accent)
I thank you, Mr Bone.
But now we must leave this place.

G.BONE
(pointing vaguely)
Umm, yeah, especially since, you know, that grenade…

The HERO’s eyes track to the dropped grenade of SLEEPAHOLICAGENT, beeping away, the beeps growing louder and more frequent.

HERO
Shit.

The HERO suddenly runs forward from a standing start, quickly reaching a terrific speed – he grabs the surprised G.BONE and the two of them SMASH through the window and out into the air –

EXT. – OUTSIDE G.BONE’S APARTMENT BLOCK – DAY

The HERO zooms out of G.BONE’s shattering window and arcs down to the ground, in a controlled manner as though he can almost fly. As they hit the ground and roll over and over, the whole apartment block suddenly EXPLODES SPECTACULARLY as the grenade goes off!

G.BONE scrambles to his feet and looks on in disbelief as the burning building begins to collapse.

HERO
(about to run into the building)
People are in danger…

G.BONE
Um, actually, everyone’s away at
Pall’kualla’zhualla’maal day for the
Kal’huuaahhl’allhua festival.
I was the only one there…and those two goons.

HERO
They’re already toast, and they’d have got
the chair anyway, with what they’ve done.

The HERO brushes himself down – we notice he wears a discreet dark suit – and shakes G.BONE’s hand.

HERO
Pleased to meet you, Mr Bone.

G.BONE
And you, uh…

HERO
(smiles)
I do not normally go by a name.
I am a super-soldier created by the government
of the Republic of Michigan for special missions
such as this. The first success of the project, after 54 failures…

CUT TO –

DETROIT CAR FACTORY – DAY

A brief scene of 54 other identical cloned heroes boredly squeezing rivets.

RETURN

HERO
So…call me…
Super55 .

G.BONE shakes his hand, winces at the other’s strength.

G.BONE
Sure. Thanks for saving my life.
(pause)
What am I going to do now? All my stuff was in there!

SUPER55
Your stuff is the least of your concerns, Mr Bone.
You witnessed HelloLegend killing the witness.
Now you are a witness to his crimes.
Legend won’t stop until you’re dead.

G.BONE
(glancing around nervously)
Not good! What do I do?

SUPER55
Come with me to the Dominion of California.
If you give evidence in a Californian court,
Legend is finished and you’ll be safe.

G.BONE
I’m…not sure…

As he speaks, we hear gunfire – around the corner, we see GENERAL_TIU and KANG SAE JEUNG approaching on Hyundai motorbikes, heavily armed. KANG SAE JEUNG has a rocket launcher, and as we watch, he fires – a rocket blazes across the sky, narrowly misses G.BONE and SUPER55 as SUPER55 drags them to the floor, and explodes against a nearby building, destroying it.

SUPER55
Come with me if you want to live!

G.BONE
Okay!

SUPER55 hoists G.BONE on his back and and begins running. Bullets fly all around him but never seem to penetrate.

SUPER55
To the skies!

SUPER55 pulls a tag on his belt and rocket jets ignite from the soles of his boots – he and G.BONE rise into the air and go rocketing off into the distance. KANG SAE JEUNG and GENERAL_TIU come to a halt, still firing at the retreating shape in the sky, before stopping.

GENERAL_TIU
The boss is not going to like this.

KANG SAE JEUNG
Maybe if we gave him the bad news in a good way?

Clock wipe to

INT. – HELLOLEGEND’S LAIR – NIGHT

HELLOLEGEND is sitting in the middle of the darkened room, in which drug syringes are stacked alternately with Star Trek and Golden Girls DVDs in racks. Tapestries with Chinese characters on them hang behind him: the characters appear to spell out this season’s baseball scores.

GENERAL_TIU and KANG SAE JEUNG stand nervously before him.

GENERAL_TIU
So, in summary,

KANG SAE JEUNG
The State of Arizona has made posting compulsory,

GENERAL_TIU
(quickly)
G. Bone escaped when he was rescued by a superhero,

KANG SAE JEUNG
- and everyone has joined the US Navy.

HELLOLEGEND leaps to his feet, holding a revolver. The two of them both take steps back.

HELLOLEGEND
Poll: do you think I’m stupid?
Yes, no, sock puppet, sock puppet?

KANG SAE JEUNG
Er –

HELLOLEGEND
Don’t you think I can tell when you’re
trying to bury bad news?
(incensed)
For this you die!

He shoots and kills…KANG SAE JEUNG, who collapses.

HELLOLEGEND
(contemptuously)
US Navy opening up recruitment to all…
only VALUED CONTRIBUTORS of a
SUPERIOR RACE such as myself should
be allowed to join!

GENERAL_TIU takes another nervous step backwards.

GENERAL_TIU
Er…

HELLOLEGEND
Yes, yes, the Bone business.
Find out what he is up to.
He has not escaped yet…

HELLOLEGEND lights a cigar, then puts the lighted end into his mouth. GENERAL_TIU stares for a moment, then flees.

 

 

 

END ACT I

 

 

ACT II

 

 

 

EXT. – HONOLULU AERODROME – DAY

The next day. SUPER55 and G.BONE are walking between terminals. All around them are gigantic metal towers with huge AIRSHIPS docked to them. Occasionally there are a few biplanes, but it’s mostly airships. G.BONE keeps staring all around him.

SUPER55
(pointing at the airships)
We’ll take the Ludendorff to St. Francis.

G.BONE
Coolness! And you’re sure we’ll be safe.

SUPER55
(laughs lightly)
Of course! It’s an airship!
What could possibly go wrong?

G.BONE
(abashed)
Yeah.

The two of them walk towards the Ludendorff, a giant airship with an Imperial German iron cross painted on the tail fins and the name in Fraktur script along the side. It has a large passenger gondola and four propeller nacelles.

INT. – AIRSHIP LUDENDORFF – COCKPIT – DAY

The cockpit is at the front of the passenger gondola. In many ways it looks more like the bridge of a cruise liner: the crew wear naval-type uniforms, there’s a big ship’s wheel in the middle, etc. The bridge is surrounded on three sides by huge windows, affording a good view of the airport. In the distance, we can see the figures of G.BONE and SUPER55 walking towards the airship across the concrete.

The camera pans around and we get a view of the crewmen on the bridge…

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(wearing a captain’s uniform)
Alright, everyone, chop chop!
Remember, you represent the honour and integrity
of the Kaiserreichsluftverkehr!

His first officer, Commander EUIO, takes a step backward with a wince to avoid QIANLONG’s spitting the last word.

EUIO
Yes, sir. Have you reviewed the passenger list?

EMPEROR QIANLONG gives a cursory glance to the piece of paper that EUIO hands over. His eyes widen and they track backwards, re-reading.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
We’re carrying…fifty young ladies suffering
from a particularly acute form of nymphomania
to one of Dr Freud’s conferences on diseases of the mind?!

In the background, we hear a stampede. EMPEROR QIANLONG turns around, an expression of glazed inevitability on his face, to find that his entire crew – except stewardess LJD767 – is wedged in the doorway of the bridge.

LJD767
(smirking)
Typical men…anyway, that’s the next flight’s list.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(squints at date)
Ah yes, you are correct.
(with feeling)
Scheisse.

EUIO picks himself up ruefully and orders the rest of the crew back into position.

EUIO
What of this flight’s list, then?

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(shrugs)
It is of no import, I daresay.
Let’s just begin the preflight checks.

EUIO nods. Dramatic fade to…

INT. – HELLOLEGEND’S LAIR – NIGHT

HELLOLEGEND and GENERAL_TIU are walking down an aisle in what looks like some kind of warehouse-type storage facility, with all the shelves filled with crates. Most of them are labelled with the names of different drugs, but others indicate they contain guns, explosives or other supplies.

HELLOLEGEND
(half to himself)
Bah. So Bone escaped us.
They plan to take him to California, to testify.
(laughs madly)
But…he shall not arrive!

GENERAL_TIU
(laughs nervously along with him)
No…he shall not!

HELLOLEGEND suddenly spins around and talks threateningly in GENERAL_TIU’s face.

HELLOLEGEND
(quiet menace)
In this warehouse, I have many things capable of killing a man.
Guns. Bombs. Missiles. Rockets. Subtle explosives.
Enough funds, from our narcotics, to hire the best
assassins in Hawaii or California.
(smiles coldly)
So, poll: which shall I use to try and kill G.Bone?

GENERAL_TIU hesitates, biting his lip as he thinks about it.

GENERAL_TIU
(slowly, hesitantly)
You’ll…use some kind of…crazy, wacky untested plan
with hints of bizarre randomness?

HELLOLEGEND glares in his face; then his expression abruptly snaps into a smile and he pats GENERAL_TIU patronisingly on the head.

HELLOLEGEND
Well done! The racially impure
Korean can learn a trick after all!
Much like his lunch.

HELLOLEGEND turns away and, almost at random, grabs a crate off the shelf. It wobbles around, as though something inside is fighting to get out. GENERAL_TIU looks uncertain as HELLOLEGEND impatiently hands it to him.

GENERAL_TIU
What is it?

HELLOLEGEND
The one thing the anti-nihilist
police will never suspect, of course!
The rare Chinese Lesser Spotted Sealion…
deadly to all forms of life!

GENERAL_TIU looks sceptical and pops up the lid of the crate.

Instantly, a sleek furry head, with maddened eyes, shoots up out of the crate and bites him hard on the nose. Blood flows freely as GENERAL_TIU screams and runs round and round, fighting desperately to tear the SEALION from his nose. HELLOLEGEND watches approvingly.

HELLOLEGEND
We Chinese invented murder, you know…

Another crazed, spitting SEALION crawls onto HELLOLEGEND’s arm, and he begins stroking it, Blofeld-style.

HELLOLEGEND
(softly)
G.Bone is a dead man.

In the background, we see GENERAL_TIU – the SEALION still attached to his nose – go flying into a massive pile of metal crates, which comes crashing down on top of him. HELLOLEGEND sighs pointedly.

HELLOLEGEND
You just can’t find good help these days.

Cut to:

EXT. – HONOLULU AERODROME – NIGHT

The Ludendorff looms large over the aerodrome, lit by spotlights. Its gondola is lit from the inside and the propellors on its nacelles have begun turning slowly. At the back, though, cargo is still being loaded. We see a large number of huge Victorian-style travel trunks on a trolley, which an airport worker – RAMP-RAT – is pushing towards the airship.

There’s a shadow, a sudden movement – and RAMP-RAT falls, stunned from a blow on the back of the head. His attacker emerges into the spotlight – it takes a moment to realise that it’s GENERAL-TIU, as his head is now so swathed in bloody bandages that he looks like an Egyptian mummy from a cutprice horror film.

GENERAL_TIU
(mutters)
Next time, I’m working for someone more
in touch with reality, like Fernidad of Prussia…

GENERAL_TIU begins pulling trunks off the trolley and replacing them with the slightly vibrating reinforced metal crates we saw before, each containing a SEALION.

He then pushes the trolley towards the airship, and we see other airport workers taking it from him; the trolley is pushed up the ramp and into the airship’s cargo hold.

GENERAL_TIU retreats back to where he left the trunks strewn around, and sits down on a random one, watching the airship.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – NIGHT

SUPER55 sits sedately in his chair, looking suspiciously at the other passengers. G.BONE, on the other hand, has his whole face glued to the window as he watches the takeoff procedure in awe. The interior of the compartment is marvellously luxurious, everything wood-panelled, with an antique-looking map of the world on the far wall and comfortable easy chairs to sit in. The rest of the passengers mostly look like they’re living the high life.

The door at the front of the gondola opens and LJD767 walks in, wearing her stewardess uniform with a jaunty hat. The eyes of approximately 55% of the passengers track her.

LJD767
Guten tag, mein herren und damen, and
danke for flying Imperial Airways!
If for any reason we should have to make
an emergency exit from the vehicle – after,
of course, changing into evening dress and
a light repast of coffee and port – then the
escape hatches are located one foot to the right of Helga –
(points to the right on one side of the gondola)
- and one foot to the left of Gertrude -
(points to the left; the gondola walls are quite a long way apart)

We pan across to where the ALT-MrP and ALT-TORQUMADA are observing the proceedings from their chairs; ALT-MrP’s pipe is putting out smoke frantically, the only visible sign that he’s excited.

ALT-MrP
(in deceptively idle tones)
I daresay you don’t get many of those to the pound.

ALT-TORQUMADA
Or to the dollar, good sir!
(sidelong glance)
Now, perhaps, I may venture, do you recognise the
veracity of my own position on the important issue
of the Mammary Standard?

ALT-MrP
(quenches his pipe with a sigh)
Well, I cannot deny that the good lady makes a persuasive argument.
(ponders for a moment)
Or perhaps two of them.

LJD767 winks at ALT-MrP and his starched collar spontaneously bursts open; ALT-TORQUMADA smiles.

We pan back across to G.BONE, who’s still looking out of the window.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(VO, on tannoy)
We have liftoff!

EXT. – HOLOLULU AERODROME – NIGHT

The guide ropes fall away as the Ludendorff disconnects from its mooring tower. Propellors beating the air, the mighty airship slowly, majestically, rises into the night sky over Hawaii. A spotlight briefly illuminates the Iron Cross painted on her tail fins. In the background, we can see other airships, some painted with Union Jacks, some with Confederate Southern Crosses, some with Ottoman red crescents.

Below them all we see GENERAL_TIU, cackling and rubbing his hands together as he remains seated on the trunk.

GENERAL_TIU
A voyage of the damned…

GENERAL_TIU takes out his fob watch and frowns at the face.

GENERAL_TIU
Let’s see…the clockwork locks
should be opening themselves…
just about…now.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – CARGO HOLD – NIGHT

We see GENERAL_TIU’s wobbling crates stacked up next to the trunks of the passenger luggage. As we watch, clockwork mechanisms click and whirr, and the lids of the crates slide back. Many pairs of malevolent eyes glow in the darkness, and then we hear the silky sounds of the Sealions lolloping out of their boxes…

EXT. – HOLOLULU AERODROME – NIGHT

GENERAL_TIU continues to cackle, and the sound almost covers another clockwork click, this one a little closer than most.

His laugh dies away as, with a fixed expression, he glances down. The ‘trunk’ he’s sitting on is, in fact, a forgotten Sealion crate. And the lid has just slid back to reveal a pair of gleaming eyes.

GENERAL_TIU
How unfortunate.

We change camera angles and see things only in silhouette as GENERAL_TIU goes flying fifty feet straight upwards, a Chinese Sealion’s teeth embedded in his buttocks. As he hurtles through the air, he is struck by the propellor of a passing triplane and turned to chunky salsa.

Dramatic fade…

INT. – LUDENDORFF – CABIN – NIGHT

The atmosphere is not unlike that on an OTL night flight, but rather more refined. G.BONE sticks out like a sore thumb as he fiddles excitedly with the gramophone record player fitted into the back of the seat in front of his; SUPER55 frowns at him, and in the background we can see a sign saying ‘PASSENGERS ARE REMINDED THAT USE OF MR BELL’S ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH ON THE AIRSHIP IS CONSIDERED MOST UNGENTLEMANLY.’

SUPER55
Calm yourself, please, Mr Bone.

G.BONE
Sorry, dude, it’s just – this rocks!

SUPER55
(smiling thinly)
Of course it is. It’s an airship.

SUPER55 grins contentedly and leans back in his comfortable seat, as G.BONE finds the chess set built into the arm rest and begins frantically playing himself.

The camera pans upwards and through the ceiling…

INT. – LUDENDORFF – INSIDE BULKHEAD

The Sealions, barely visible except by their glowing eyes, creep through the space in the bulkheads, accompanied by the wet sounds of flippers on metal…

EXT. – LUDENDORFF – AIR

We see the airship leaving the islands of Hawaii far below and entering the blank blueness of the Pacific Ocean.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – COCKPIT

EMPEROR QIANLONG gently guides the ship’s wheel.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
Our course, Mr. Vowels?

EUIO
(looks up from his set square)
North-east by east, sir.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
Good. Engage the auto-pilot.

EUIO takes out a huge padlock and clamps the wheel in place.

EUIO
Cards, sir?

EMPEROR QIANLONG
Why not? And have Ell-Jay fetch some port.

EUIO grins and leaves; EMPEROR QIANLONG sits back in his captain’s chair.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – CABIN

G.BONE is now looking bored. Over on the other side, we see a furtive-looking ALT-KIT as he glances out of the window, then seems to nod to himself and gets up out of his chair. He walks over towards an ornate door labelled ‘water-closet’ and opens it.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – TOILET

We find that one of the airship’s officers, ALT-FELL (in full uniform) is seated on the golden cistern, idly perusing a trashy paperback with pirates on the cover. He puts it down as ALT-KIT enters.

ALT-FELL
(stiffly)
Evening, sir. Lost, are we?

ALT-KIT
(glancing around in a paranoid fashion)
Not…exactly.

ALT-FELL
(quirks an eyebrow)
Might I then be correct in assuming that,
in fact, you are hoping to connect with
another gentleman who shares certain,
shall we say, unorthodox views?

ALT-KIT
(relieved)
Indeed I am!

ALT-FELL
(leans back contentedly)
Well then. Why must we tarry? Let’s have it.

ALT-KIT
You mean…you’re a socialist too?

ALT-KIT takes out a rolled-up copy of the Manchester Guardian from his pocket and unrolls it hopefully. But ALT-FELL goes purple in the face with outrage.

ALT-FELL
(pointing)
Out! Out! I will not have your sort in here!

Disappointed, ALT-KIT turns around – and comes face to face with a CHINESE SEALION as it drops through a hole in the ceiling.

ALT-FELL
Good heavens, what -

Cut to:

INT. – LUDENDORFF – CABIN

The corridor outside the water-closet; we hear banging around inside, screams and shouts, and vicious hisses, and red liquid starts to pool under the door…

EXT. – LUDENDORFF – SKY – NIGHT

The sky and sea around the airship are now totally featureless as it slowly travels across the Pacific.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

EMPEROR QIANLONG and EUIO are bent over a table playing cards, with glasses of port beside them. Behind them, the clamped wheel occasionally clanks in protest against its hold.

EUIO
(slaps down his cards)
You win again, sir.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(smiles)
Of course.

EMPEROR QIANLONG raises his glass.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
A toast – to a nice uneventful fligh-

LJD767 suddenly bursts in.

LJD767
Sir, there’s a problem!

EMPEROR QIANLONG closes his eyes with a sigh.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
I knew it was too good to be true…
(turns to LJD767)
All right, what is it? What’s wrong?

LJD767
The pressure sensors on gasbag 4 have gone offline,
as though there’s a problem with the cable.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
Can’t you get young Nelson to fix it?

LJD767
He’s…gone missing. Again.

EUIO
I don’t know what he thinks he’s playing at!

EMPEROR QIANLONG
I wish I didn’t!
(sighs)
Very well, very well.

EUIO pulls an access panel off the wall and EMPEROR QIANLONG climbs into it.

INT. – IN THE ACCESS TUBE

EMPEROR QIANLONG crawls through the dusty Bakelite-lined tube; we see pneumatic cables all around him, stretching from the pressure gauges back to the gasbags themselves.

His hand closes on a frayed and shredded cable, which he picks up and glances at.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
(half to himself)
Here’s the problem. Something’s bitten through it.
But what? Looks too big to be a rat…

There’s a hissing sound in front of him and he glances up.

EMPEROR QIANLONG
Oh -

Cut to: INT. – LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

EUIO and LJD767 watch in confusion as echoing sounds of clanging and banging come up the access tube. Then, suddenly, a bloodstained captain’s hat comes flying out and rebounds against the opposite wall.

They both stare at it.

LJD767
What…the…

EUIO
Well, on the plus side, at least I get back
all that money I lost…

INT. – LUDENDORFF – CABIN

G.BONE, humming to himself and with a comic book folded under one arm, walks along the corridor to the water-closet. He opens the door – we don’t see exactly what he sees, but behind him a woman, ELADRIMSTAR, screams and passionately faints into a man’s arms.

G.BONE
Bogus!

SUPER55 is suddenly at his elbow. In one glance he takes in the situation.

SUPER55
Shit! That’s the work of Chinese Sealions.
HelloLegend is behind this for sure.
(shakes his head and turns around)
This is serious. Where’s the captain?

EMPEROR QIANLONG’s bloodied hat is dropped at his feet. He looks up at an ashen-faced EUIO.

SUPER55
I…see…

Behind him, we hear vague murmurs going through the passengers, who are all standing up to watch – increasing rumours of panic…

SUPER55
(turning to face the passengers)
All right, calm down…

ELADRIMSTAR
(momentarily wakes up)
Calm down, he says! When we might be murdered in our beds!
(she faints dramatically again)

SUPER55
Listen, I…

PASSENGERS
(all at once, confusion)
We’re all going to die! / We’re going to crash! /
Be eaten by / be torn apart by / we…

SUPER55, his expression set, pulls out a gun and fires it upwards with a BANG. The room is suddenly silent with horror.

SUPER55
All right! We are not going to panic!
We are going to deal with this situation
in an orderly and civilised manner!

ALT-MrP rises to his feet and claps perfunctorily, in a vicar-at-a-village-fete sort of way.

ALT-MrP
Well said, sir, well said!
Let us not act like heathen savages, but as
proud members of the superior Western civilisation!

ALT-TORQUMADA
(nudging ALT-P’s arm)
You’ll notice, however, that he had to
use a gun to make his point.

ALT-MrP
Bah, details.

As they argue, G.BONE turns to SUPER55.

G.BONE
Hey, awesome dude – how come you didn’t
just shoot a hole in the gasbag?

SUPER55
(shows him the gun)
Specially slowed rounds. Still effective,
but they won’t punch through the hull of this gondola.
Safe to use on board airship. Standard Michigander Army issue.

G.BONE
Cool.

SUPER55
Now, come on. To the bridge!

INT. – LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

EUIO is frantically doing sums on a piece of paper, while the wheel continues clunking on its lock. SUPER55 and G.BONE enter.

SUPER55
What’s our status?

EUIO
Bad! We’re still two hours out from California,
and who knows how many of those things we’ve got on board?

SUPER55
They must have come from the cargo hold.
Snook on board…

G.BONE
Um, does it matter now?

SUPER55
It might.
(turns to EUIO)
Have you any hydrogen on this airship?

EUIO
(bursts out laughing)
Hydrogen? On an airship?
Are you mad??

SUPER55
All right, all right, I know it was far-fetched,
it was just an idea.

EUIO
Wait, though…there
is the propane we use
for the engines…

SUPER55
(smiles)
That works too.

G.BONE
What are you going to…
(sudden realisation)
Oh.
(very quietly)
Crap.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – CABIN

The passengers have calmed down a bit, but are still nervy and glancing around. In one corner, though, we see an unconcerned looking KID, MIKE ONEAL 5, who is energetically playing away on a machine the size of a typewriter, which to some extent it resembles. As he presses the clicking keys and we hear a wheeze of steam, though, on top of the machine regularly-shaped metal blocks are slowly lowered into position from above by a complex arrangement of pulleys and strings. There’s a regular ‘ding’ sound in the background.

It is, in fact, a steampunk version of Tetris.

MIKE ONEAL 5
Come on, come on, come on…

But he misses the combination of blocks and the game ends.

MIKE ONEAL 5
Dammit!

He grabs the machine up in the air and hurls it down in frustration – hitting a SEALION on the head just before it was about to attack him. MIKE ONEAL 5 stares in realisation as the SEALION slumps dazedly.

MIKE ONEAL 5
Crap!

The whole cabin dissolves into pandemonium as SEALIONS suddenly start bursting out of the walls and dropping from the ceiling. We see several passengers set upon by SEALIONS, biting and tearing away at them, blood all over the floor. ALT-MrP, unconcerned, simply stands back behind ALT-TORQ as the latter draws a huge handgun and begins blazing away.

ALT-MrP
A most unfortunate series of events, dear boy.

ALT-TORQ
(narrowing his eyes as he aims)
I can only concur.

A SEALION springs for the two of them, but ALT-TORQ catches it in mid-flight with a bullet. The SEALION falls to the ground, stunned but not dead.

ALT-MrP
Tough little rascals, aren’t they?

SUPER55 appears in the doorway.

SUPER55
Alright, alright! Everyone up to the bridge!

There’s a stampede, and he would be run over, were it not for his sheer awesomeness. As the cabin empties, we see the many bodies and stunned Sealions on the ground…then it’s just SUPER55, ALT-MrP, ALT-TORQ, and the spitting SEALIONS.

SUPER55
You two! With me!

ALT-MrP and ALT-TORQ nod as LJD767 walks in and shoves a trolley towards SUPER55. SUPER55 manhandles a gas cylinder on top of it.

SUPER55
You two have to keep them off me while I get this in place!

ALT-MrP
Roger that, old boy!

ALT-TORQ
(sizing up SUPER55)
Y’all’s crazy, but it’s a good crazy.

SUPER55 grins. He grabs the trolley and begins pushing it down the aisle of the now deserted cabin. From the seats all around him, crazed SEALIONS, frothing at the mouth, leap out at him, but ALT-TORQ’s bullets knock them back. We see ALT-MrP hurling model metal Napoleonic soldiers at them, too.

ALT-MrP
(looking at the ceiling)
May Surak forgive me…

SUPER55 pulls his own gun as he reaches the end of the corridor and the back of the gondola. SEALIONS continue to attack him, but he shoots off a few more, beating a fighting retreat back to the front.

SUPER55
Almost there…almost…

Cut to:

INT. – HELLOLEGEND’S LAIR – NIGHT

HELLOLEGEND
(cackling)
And just to make sure, I’ll put in
a particularly large specimen…

Cut back to:

INT. – LUDENDORFF – CABIN

There’s a horrible creaking sound, and the ceiling almost directly above ALT-TORQ and ALT-MrP splinters apart. A GIANT SEALION comes crashing through the ceiling and lands next to them. With one flipper, it suddenly grabs hold of ALT-MrP and stuffs him into its mouth, its vicious fangs tearing into him.

ALT-MrP
(calmly, as he’s being ripped apart)
Well, this is all rather unfortunate.

ALT-TORQ
(incoherent bellow of rage)
Death to you, foul beast!

The GIANT SEALION is shot several times by ALT-TORQ and SUPER55, but this only seems to make it angry. It applauds angrily, gulping down ALT-MrP, and then take a threatening move towards ALT-TORQ. The floor beneath it creaks alarmingly.

SUPER55
(thinking)
Torq, get back!

ALT-TORQ
No! I won’t let it!

SUPER55
Trust me! Get back!

ALT-TORQ hesitates, glancing at him, then nods reluctantly.

ALT-TORQ
But only because you’re so awesome.

Nodding distractedly, SUPER55 puts himself between ALT-TORQ and the GIANT SEALION, which continues to approach – the floor creaks and groans. SUPER55 glances around desperately and spies a sand-filled fire bucket on the wall.

SUPER55
Should be heavy enough!

SUPER55 grabs the fire bucket and hurls it at the GIANT SEALION, which unexpectedly catches it in midair and cradles it in its flippers, a sudden expression of ecstatic bliss displacing its previous one of homicidal mania.

GIANT SEALION
(dreamily)
I Has A Bucket…

There’s a creak – SUPER55 holds his breath – and the whole bottom of the gondola breaks up as the GIANT SEALION goes crashing through, the sand bucket remaining comically behind in midair.

GIANT SEALION
(VO, rapidly dopplering away)
Nooo, they be stealing my bucket…

SUPER55 and ALT-TORQ hang on for dear life as the air rushes out of the gondola. But SUPER55 levels his gun at the propane cylinder on the trolley.

SUPER55
I have had it with these motherfuckin’ Sealions
on this motherfuckin’ airship!

ALT-TORQ
You’ve been waiting years to say that, haven’t you…

SUPER55 shrugs – and fires.

EXT. – LUDENDORFF – OVER OCEAN

In the distance, the sun and the coast of California are just visible. But now a jet of flame roars through the whole bottom of the gondola of the airship, blasting out through the new hole near the front, but also taking out most of the windows. We see burning Chinese Sealions go flying out of all the holes and, trailing fire, hurtle down towards the unforgiving waters of the Pacific…

INT. – LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

The bridge is crammed with people. EUIO is desperately trying to unlock the wheel, using every possible combination on a huge keyring. Beside him, LJD767 uses her ample…charms to hold back the mass of rabble.

Off to one side, G.BONE is comfortably sitting back and reading his comic book.

G.BONE
That’ll be it now…

The whole bridge rocks from side to side and the lights flicker on and off as the WHOOMPH of the giant explosion is felt rather than heard.

ELADRIMSTAR
What’s he doing? Is he crazy?

G.BONE
He’s using propane to burn up the Sealions, and yes.

ELADRIMSTAR
But that’ll burn us up, too!

EUIO
(turning around)
Not…if we released the gasbags to flood this area with helium!
(smiles)
Which we did.

G.BONE
(in Minnie Mouse voice)
See? I bet you wouldn’t have thought of that!

ELADRIMSTAR
But doesn’t that mean we’re going down.

EUIO
‘Down’ is such a negative phrase…

EXT. – LUDENDORFF SKY

The flames finally fade from around the burnt-out gondola. We see the bridge has indeed survived, but the gasbags are contracting and the airship is rapidly losing height.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

EUIO finally manages to unlock the wheel as we watch. Behind him, LJD767 is talking on the radio.

LJD767
That’s it. They’ve scrambled a circus of rescue biplanes.
You have a vector.

EUIO
(nods)
We’re home clear now.
(sadly)
Just a pity about Captain Qianlong and the others…
and those who gave their lives to save us…like Super55…

G.BONE
Don’t be too sure about that one, dude…

Unbelieving, everyone watches as the door slides open and SUPER55 – ALT-TORQ slung over his back – nonchalantly comes in. Aside from some burn marks on his clothes, he seems totally unharmed.

EUIO
You! But you…you were…

SUPER55
I’m Super55. That’s all that’s important.

Everyone nods solemnly.

EXT. – SAN FRANCISCO BAY – MORNING

On either side of the bay are huge flags – British Red Ensigns with a bear-paw symbol – and signs reading “THE DOMINION OF CALIFORNIA WELCOMES CAREFUL DRIVERS”.

As we watch, the airship, still partly on fire and totally out of control, drunkenly flies low over the mouth of the bay and clips the top of one of the flags and signs, ripping it loose.

INT. – LUDENDORFF – BRIDGE

EUIO holds on tight to the wheel as it tries to vibrate out of his hands, trying to keep it aimed on target.

LJD767
Two degrees up! One down!

EUIO
(through gritted teeth)
I hardly think now is the time to adjust the thermostat!

SUPER55 pats EUIO on the shoulder.

SUPER55
You’re doing fine, Captain Vowels. Nice and easy.

EUIO
(nods, as sweat trickles down his forehead)
Thanks, sir.
(loudly)
Everyone, get ready for the ride of your life!

Through the main window, we can see the GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE approaching…

EXT. – SAN FRANCISCO BAY – MORNING

The deflated airship streaks through the sky, almost hits the Golden Gate Bridge but passes just under it, and collapses with a massive splash into the water. There’s just enough helium left to cushion the impact.

The camera pans over the crash scene as we see rescue biplanes trailing ropes and helping to take people off. SUPER55 rises on his rocket boots and helps bring others to safety. We watch him land, alongside G.BONE and EUIO, on the bridge.

SUPER55
(slaps EUIO on the back)
A nice clean landing, sir!

EUIO
Aside from the fact that we wrote off the airship.

SUPER55
Just add another tally to Mr HelloLegend’s bill.
It’s going to get pretty darn steep after Mr Bone
testifies in court, you know.

G.BONE
Sure.
(with feeling)
I know this—I’m never travelling by airship again.
(sighs)
I wish there was some amazing way of travelling
without using an airship, or a plane, or a ship or whatever.
Some…magical way of travelling instantaneously from
place to place without moving…if I ever found one, I’d
spend the rest of my life enjoying it…

EUIO
(laughs)
You sound like Jules Verne.

G.BONE
Maybe.
Okay, so where’s this court-

As he speaks, there’s a flash of light and he suddenly disappears with a ‘pop!’

EUIO and SUPER55 stare at where G.BONE was, then at each other, then at the sky.

EUIO
What just happened…?

SUPER55
I don’t know, but it’ll be a lot harder to convict HelloLegend
without Mr Bone’s testimony!

EUIO
Don’t worry. These things have a way of sorting themselves out…

Cut to

EXT. – PACIFIC OCEAN – MORNING

A powerboat races across the ocean, HELLOLEGEND on top manning the wheel – we see crates of drugs piled in the back.

HELLOLEGEND
(muttering to himself)
They’ll never catch me!
I’ll be in Tahiti by the time that
Boner bozo is singing in California!
(pats the wheel in front of him)
Hah, they all laughed at me when
I won that speedboat on the darts programme…

Behind HELLOLEGEND, we suddenly see dark shapes in the water all around him…malevolent eyes…scorched SEALIONS…

HELLOLEGEND
(oblivious)
And once I get to Tahiti, it’ll be time to
poll the locals about which is cooler,
Golden Girls, baseball, Arizona, Star Trek
or the US Navy?
(laughs)
Not as though their opinions matter of course,
with them being racially impure Polynesians…

Something huge suddenly rears up in front of HELLOLEGEND’s boat and it capsizes, the drug boxes flying everywhere. HELLOLEGEND is flung clear and struggles to stay afloat.

HELLOLEGEND
(spitting angrily)
What? Who dares attack such a
VALUED CONTRIBUTOR as myself?

The GIANT SEALION rears up before him once more, its eyes flaming with fury. Behind it, two smaller SEALIONS, all of them covered in burns, bare their teeth at HELLOLEGEND.

GIANT SEALION
Mah associates have informed me that you are in possession
OF MAH BUCKET!

HELLOLEGEND
No! You cannot kill me! I have EARNED MY SENIORITY
and I am HERE TO STAaaaaaarrrgghhh!!!!

As the camera pans away, the water turns red…

And then the camera continues heading upwards. We leave the ocean behind, then the sky, as it fades to black and stars begin to twinkle in it. The waters below suddenly seem to curve back and we see that the world is round. For a brief instant, the camera pans across what looks like a steampunk space station, made out of compartments launched as shells from a huge cannon – then further beyond, into the blackness of space…

And it comes across a certain well-remembered starship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY

A slightly younger-looking DOCTOR WHAT is impatiently watching as DAVE HOWERY, sitting behind the controls of the teleporter, is awkwardly picking his way through one set of buttons after another.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hurry up! How hard can it be?

DAVE HOWERY
Very, actually. The bastards who
built this thing didn’t have user-friendliness in mind.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shudders)
Don’t remind me.
(pause)
Look, all I want is a nice T-Bone steak, okay?
It’s not as though I’m asking for essentials like
booze and porn, for my sake!

DAVE HOWERY
(shrugs)
Alright, Doc, but don’t blame me if this doesn’t work…

DAVE HOWERY hits a random button, there’s a ‘pop!’, and a rather confused-looking G.BONE appears on the teleporter pad.

G.BONE
Um…hello?

DOCTOR WHAT turns threateningly on DAVE HOWERY.

DOCTOR WHAT
If he’s not at least carrying a Hawaiian pizza, you’re in trouble.

G.BONE
(staring down at himself in amazement)
Wow! It’s like magic! I was there and now I’m here!

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, that’s the teleporter for you.

G.BONE
Teleporter? It sounds amazing!
Please can I try it myself? Can I can I can I?

DAVE HOWERY shrugs at DOCTOR WHAT.

DAVE HOWERY
I’d be happy to hand this thing over to someone dedicated.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay.
(to G.BONE)
Congratulations. You’re recruited.

G.BONE
Cool!
(pause)
Er…to what?

DOCTOR WHAT
The crew of the good ship AH.com.
(claps him on the back)
Now, get to work. Your first priority
is to find me a decent steak!

G.BONE
(salutes smartly)
Yes sirree! Wow, this is fascinating
enough to keep me occupied forever!

Fade to black.

Caption: “FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER”

G.BONE is sitting back lazily on the chair in the teleporter room, his feet up on the controls – the teleporter pads glowing and fritzing randomly as he moves the positions of his feet – and with a comic book open on his chest.

The intercom beeps.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Anything yet, Mr Bone?

G.BONE
Yeah, yeah, whatever…

G.BONE clicks off the intercom, then settles back to read.

G.BONE
Hmm, Betty or Veronica – one of the great
philosophical dilemmas of our times…

Fade to black.

 

 

 

END ACT II

 

TAG

 

 

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING

We see the smeary dreams effect in reverse as we return to the present. G.BONE stares up musingly at the ceiling as he concludes his story.

G.BONE
And – well, that’s it. That’s what it reminded me of.
(shudders)
Just as well those Sealions weren’t successful, though…

G.BONE suddenly looks down. MICHAEL and PSYCHO are still fighting each other – PSYCHO is now holding MICHAEL over the reactor core and trying to force his head into it, while DAVE HOWERY is still snoring in his hammock above it – and FLOCCULENCIO is turning the pages of his Karma Sutra with increasing avidity.

G.BONE
…dudes?

FLOCC
(distractedly)
Hmm? Oh, yes, a very fine tale, sirrah.
I especially like the part where the skunk
ate all those raspberries.

G.BONE
But there wasn’t a part with a skunk eating raspberries.

FLOCC looks at him over the top of his spectacles with the gently chiding manner of the schoolteacher.

FLOCC
(firmly)
I think you’ll find that there was.

G.BONE
(confused)
Uh…oh yes, of course there was.

G.BONE shrugs in puzzlement.

G.BONE
Sometimes I wonder if it was the right thing to do, joining this crew…

FLOCC
I think we all do, good sir. But then we remember how
uninteresting our lives were before the epic adventures
that crewing under Captain What can bring.

G.BONE
(stares at him)
Um…yeah, I guess.

In the background, MICHAEL suddenly manages to throw PSYCHO off his back – PSYCHO lands on top of DAVE HOWERY and awakes him with a start – KEIRA comes in, sees the scene and bursts into tears – MICHAEL smirks, then slips and falls off the reactor core with a cry –

FLOCC
(as KEIRA starts beating PSYCHO)
Excellent. Two fewer competitors for the pot.
Sixteen hours. Shall we split it like gentlemen?

G.BONE
Sure. I could use eight hours.
(smiles dreamily to himself)

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – SPACE

As the AH.com Ship drifts through space…

G.BONE
(VO, singing into karaoke machine)
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena!
Que tu cuerpo es pa’ darle alegria y cosa buena!
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena!
Heeeeey…Macarena!

 

 

 

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS