TEASER

EXT. – HUB – STREET – DAY

We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN kneeling in the center of the street, head back, and yelling something.

Pull in.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(yelling)
AAAALLLLYYYYSSSOONNNN!!!!

Pan toward the building and we see the door open. ALYSON HANNIGAN pokes her head out.

ALYSON HANNIGN
I said go away!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Please! I just wanna talk!

ALYSON HANNIGAN
We have nothing to talk about.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
PLEASE!!!!

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Fine.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN jumps to his feet and scurries to the door, a grin on his face.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’ve been reading this book that
says girls like a guy who’s persistent.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Oh God…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
and that you shouldn’t give up
trying to get what you want.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Didn’t I sign a restraining order
against you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
and that through constant badgering you can wear down
their will and make them yours forever and ever.
(grins)

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Look, I’ve been meaning to tell you this.
But I already have someone in my life.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Doctor What?

ALYSON HANNIGAN
No. Someone new. Someone better.

The door opens wider to reveal FLOCCULENCIO in a too short bathrobe.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, what’s up?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN stares for a moment.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(shocked and horrified)
HIM????
HIMMM?????

FLOCCULENCIO
What can I say? Girls love the goat.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
HIMMM!!!!

ALYSON HANNIGAN
I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
(beat)
Well, actually I’m really not.
I’m glad you found out this way.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
HIMMM!!!

FLOCCULENCIO
Dude, you’re running our fun.
Get lost.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I.. I…
(begins tearing up)
I… I…
(runs off sobbing)

The two stand there for a moment. FLOCCULENCIO hand slide to ALYSON HANNIGAN’S hips.

FLOCCULENCIO
So…
(grins)

ALYSON HANNIGAN
(pushing him away)
Get your hands off me, fiend.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, now. You’re the one who came running here.

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Only to get away from him!

FLOCCULENCIO
And into my arms?
(grins)

ALYSON HANNIGAN
Oh my God. Is Doctor What the
only decent one among your crew?

FLOCCULENCIO
I’m pretty decent… in bed.

ALYSON HANNIGAN storms off and disappears into the crowds.

The door opens wider and MICHAEL stands beside FLOCCULENCIO, also in a too short bathrobe.

MICHAEL
The red headed devil woman gone?

FLOCCULENCIO
You really gotta stop calling her that.

MICHAEL
What did she want?

FLOCCULENCIO
Hiding from Psycho.

MICHAEL
(nods)
I see…
(beat)
So we going to do this or not?

FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah, yeah.
Don’t be in such a rush.
You gotta take these things slow and enjoy it.

FLOCCULENCIO turns and walks toward a back room, leaving MICHAEL at the door.

MICHAEL
(shouting after)
Hey, I’m not the one complaining.
Doc says he’s losing feeling in his hands!

A too short bathrobe hits MICHAEL in the face.

MICHAEL
(beat)
Hey! Wait for me!!

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“GBW CONQUERS THE NYMPHOMANIACS OF MARS”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

EXT. – DEVASTATED CITY – DAY

Smoke rises from craters dotting a ruined city, we see odd looking vessels soaring across the air.

A woman rises from behind a broken slab of concrete and raises what looks to be a rocket launcher onto her shoulders. She fires off a rocket then dives into a sewer opening a few feet away.

We see one of the ships in the sky exploded dramatically.

Fade out:

INT. – HIDEOUT – DAY

We see a ladder descend and a woman, the women from before, make her way down it. Another woman is sitting at a station, headphones on her head and twisting knobs on a radio set.

ROCKET WOMAN
Anything?

RADIO GIRL
Nada. It’s nothing but static.

Another woman walks in.

THIRD WOMAN
It’s a damned waste of time, I tell you.

ROCKET WOMAN
We must have faith.

RADIO GIRL
They’ll contact us. I know they will.

THIRD WOMAN
You’re all damned fools!
(stalks off)
They’re not coming back.

INT. – HUB – PUB – DAY

We see GBW sitting at a booth, alone, a cup of tea before him. He’s flipping through a book.

Another figure walks up and slides into the seat across from him.

GBW
(looking up)
Huh?

The other figure is THE BALD IMPOSTER.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey.

GBW
Can I help you?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I’m sure you can.

GBW
(uncomfortable silence)
I don’t know what the guys have been
telling you, but I’m not homosexual.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What?

GBW
Look, it may just seem that way, but I assure
you that I like the female half of the gender.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Dude. I’m not hitting on you.

GBW
You sure?
(beat)
Why not?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Damn it.
This is why I don’t come to bars anymore.
You try talking to some other guy and
they immediately think you’re gay.

GBW
It was more the overly tight muscle shirt,
the too groomed appearance, and the fact
that you’re sporting a gay pride button.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I’m what?
(pulls off button)
Damn it! That explains all the guys hitting on me!
(tosses away button)
Look, I’m here because I’ve heard you can do things.

GBW
Again, I’m not gay.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
No. I’m looking to join a crew of a ship.
I hear you’re the person to ask.

GBW
Me? Who told you that?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Some guy named Bruno.
Said you’d know how to handle me.

GBW
(sighs)
I think he thought you were gay.
What did you actually say to him?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I heard he was the captain of a ship.
So I came up to him and told him of I wanted to join him and
didn’t mind the rough and dirty business. Then he said Kit was
gone for the evening, but that you could take care of me.

GBW
(sighing again)
Bugger. They keep thinking I’m gay.
Why is that!
(muttering)
I’ll show them.. I’ll show them all!

THE BALD IMPOSTER
So this ship you captain. How is it to be one of the crew?

GBW
Um…
I’m not really the ca-

A woman walks up, JAMIE. Behind her are two other women, DREW and JESSIE.

JAMIE
You’re a ship captain?

GBW
Uh…

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(jumping up and grinning)
I’m his partner and first mate.
You’re the closest pair of guys you’ll ever meet!

GBW
Uh…
(glances at Bald Imposter)
excuse us for a moment please?

GBW pulls aside THE BALD IMPOSTER.

GBW
What are you doing?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, man. Don’t’ worry. It’s not like I’m cutting
in on you. Just let me pretend to be you’re
first mate and let me score with one of them.
(beat)
Please?

GBW
Okay…

They turn back to the three women.

GBW
(smiling broadly)
Yup. I’m a ship captain.

JAMIE
Oh, thank god we found one.

JESSIE
It’s about time too.

JESSIE smiles and pulls out a stun gun. She zaps GBW.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Holy crap.
Look I’m not-

JESSIE zaps him too.

DREW
We taking both of them?

JAMIE
We might as well. Two are better than one.

They drag both GBW and THE BALD IMPOSTER out of the door.

ANOTHER PART OF THE PUB

DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON M are sitting at a table, drinking.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, am I seeing things or did GBW just get
dragged out of the bar by some girl?

WEAPON M
Yup.

DOCTOR WHAT
I thought he liked guys?

WEAPON M
There’s a type of girl that seems to like gay guys.
Figure they think they can probably turn ‘em or
something by sexing them up good.

DOCTOR WHAT
Lucky bastard.

WEAPON M
Yup.

The two continue drinking.

EXT. – HUB SPACE – DAY

We see a clunky smoky rusty looking ship lurch it’s way from the docks, belching a huge cloud of smoke.

INT. – SHIP – DAY

We see GBW stir.

There are voices talking around him, the female voices of his captors and another voice, a deeper and rougher voice.

ROUGH VOICE
Now, see here Missy. You said you’d
have the damned payment.

JAMIE
Look, I clearly stated that payment would be
given when we arrived back to my planet.

ROUGH VOICE
Well, I think we could work out a deal, little lady.
I can accept… All Forms of payment.
If you catch my drift.

JESSIE
Don’t’ you worry about your payment.
We’ll give it to you, we just need to hurry back.

ROUGH GUY
May be so, little darlin’ but me and my boys
are looking for a little… upfront payment.

There’s a lurid chuckle of unseen men.

JESSIE
Fuck you.

ROUGH GUY
Readin’ my mind, girlie.

GBW’s eyes snap open and he clamors to his feet.

GBW
What the hell is going on here?

The scene is simple, the women who kidnapped him are standing against the bulkhead while the Rough Voice fellow is standing, grinning, with several men behind him. They all have the look of rough and dirty men.

GBW
I suggest we turn this ship around and return to the Hub.

ROUGH GUY
Best keep your opinions to yourself, boyo.
Else you’ll be breathing vaccum like these
girls will be when we’re done with ‘em.

JESSIE
Go to hell, all of you.
Lay one hand on us and you’ll be regretting
it for the rest of your very short lives.

The men begin laughing hysterically.

ROUGH GUY
Girl, you shouldn’t make
threats you can’t keep..

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well, it’s a good thing I’m a gentlemen, ain’t it?

THE BALD IMPOSTER throws himself at the Rough Men. GBW quickly digs into his pocket, pulling out various bits and things, he begins sorting them out.

The women join the fray, kicking and slapping at the Rough Men. THE BALD IMPOSTER kicks a man in the crotch, while pummeling another. Three of the Rough Men are down, and the leader of the group is rolling about the floor, the girl JESSIE strangling him.

GBW puts together a small device and points it at the mass of fighting. He depresses a button and energy seems to crackle in the room. Suddenly everyone’s staggering about, looking cross eyed and confused. GBW points the device at each Rough Man and they fall to the floor unconscious. Within moments all the Rough Men are down and out.

THE BALD IMPOSTER sits down on a chair, holding his head.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Man, it feels like that time I went drinking
and woke up in a bed full of guys.
(GBW looks at him askance)
No. Not that way, damn it. I mean by the headache,
it reminds me of that night. And the guys, it was
the drunk tank that only had one bed, so everyone
tried getting in it. I didn’t have sex with those guys!
I’m not gay!

GBW
I didn’t say anything.

A long silence descends in the room.

GBW looks at the women, who are nursing a couple of small injuries.

GBW
Care to explain?

They look at one another.

JAMIE stands up and clears her throat.

JAMIE
It’s difficult to begin.

GBW walks to a computer and begins hitting buttons, various diagrams flash across the screen.

GBW
Looks like we’re in for a longish ride.
Please start from the beginning.

The three women look at one another.

JESSIE
See, I told you he was a captain.
I mean he knows how to use those computers.

DREW
He doesn’t look very captain-y.

GBW
Not to interrupt, but you’ve seem to have skipped
the introductory portion of the storytelling.

DREW
We came to get a captain.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I was a captain once.
But then they fixed the computer error and
kicked me back to a private.
Best ten minutes of my life.
All those men doing what I said.
(grins dreamily)

JAMIE
Our world is in desperate need of a captain.

GBW
Again, that’s jumping to the middle of the explanation.

JESSIE
We didn’t have time to negotiate for one that was experienced.

DREW
So we decided we might as well just kidnap one.

JAMIE
It’s a horrible way to do things, but you have to understand.

DREW
We were desperate.

JESSIE
And we were willing to do what it took to save our world.

GBW rubs his forehead.

GBW
Somewhere in there was an explanation, I’m sure.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
No prob, girls.
No prob at all.
Me and captain…
(beat)
what’s your name again?

GBW
GBW.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Me and captain GBW wouldn’t let damsels in distress go unassisted.
There ain’t no situation too hard, no man too strong, or oily, or sweaty,
or ruggedly handsome in a Robert Redford sort of way that we won’t go down on…
(beat)
Take down! I mean take down!
There’s no guy we’d take down…
For girls, that is…
(nervous laugh)

GBW
I’m sure your situation is grave, but you have to understand that
kidnapping is not a way to resolve the situation. The Hub is filled
with people who would willingly help you out. Hell the AH.com
ship fights evil for far less reasons. I’m sure if-

There’s a crash and a boom

JESSIE
What the hell?

GBW lurches for a control panel, tapping out command.

GBW
I think we’re begin pulled out of Transit Space.

JAMIE
What does that mean?

GBW
Someone’s scanning the Transpace around this universe,
looking for anyone that might be coming into it. Now that
they’ve spotted us, they’re forcing us to surface in real
space, in a spot they choose.

JAMIE
They can do that?

GBW
It takes some high tech to do it and
most of the time it’s not very successful.

JAMIE
What happens if it’s not successful?

GBW
Can you say “Big Kaboom”?

EXT – SPACE – DAY

We see a badly formed vortex appear, from out of it spews the smoky ship.

The vortex vanishes and we pull back a bit and see dozens of ships encircling it.

INT. – SMOKY SHIP – DAY

GBW and the others look at the screen.

GBW
Let me guess.
The bad guys?

JAMIE
Yeah. They’re the bad guys alright.
(beat)
Um. Can we run or something.

GBW
(looking at the ships controls)
I’m surprised this piece of junk survived the exit.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, I think they’re hailing us.

GBW
Hopefully we can get some answers here.

JAMIE
Be careful, this is one scary dude.

The tiny view monitor comes to life, showing an attractive woman in a severe looking military uniform. She can be seen smoking a long stem cigarette.

GBW
Uh.. hello?

MILITARY WOMAN
This is Admiral Watson of the New World Unification fleet.
Power down your vessel and prepare to be boarded.

JAMIE
(displeased)
Hello, Sam.

ADMIRAL WATSON
I shall be addressed with my full
name and rank, Earther Scum.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hot Damn, I love it when chicks have guys name.
I always like it when they wear guy clothes,
their cologne, and cut their hair like a guy…
(beat)
What?

ADMIRAL WATSON
Oh? What is this? Men?
You’re smuggling men?
(leers at GBW)
Hmm… why don’t you just hand the ship over to us,
lovely, and we’ll make your wildest dreams reality.

GBW
(gaping)
I find that strangely arousing.

ADMIRAL WATSON
We know how to treat men in our nation.

GBW
Unfortunately, I seem to be caught in the middle of this
disagreement. Seeing as I’m not a party to this, I’ll gladly
power down my ship and allow you on board.

JAMIE hits the control panel, and the monitor goes blank.

JAMIE
Don’t!

GBW
Now see here-

JAMIE
Don’t trust them. Whatever you do.
They’re evil!

JESSIE
They really are, man.
They’ll kill you as soon as you power down.

DREW
They can’t be trusted.
We have to flee!
(shudders)

GBW
Look! I don’t know what’s going on here. But whatever it is,
I’m not a-freakin-part of it. Understand? You kidnapped me
and you don’t tell me a damn thing, either that gets resolved
or I hand over this ship to this woman.

The three women are silent, DREW shudders. THE BALD IMPOSTER walks up and puts an arm around her.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Dude. This may not be our fight, but I’ll be damned if I’m letting
any girls get hurt over this. You can’t trust that bitch, even I know
that. She oozes evil military babe all over the place.

GBW
(shaking head)
What makes you think they’re any better? For all we know they’re worse
than that bunch out there. All I know is that they’re not the ones who
kidnapped me and they’re not the ones trafficking with criminals.

JESSIE
How many times do we have to say that we were desperate
and didn’t have time to go through the proper channels?

GBW
Fine. Fine. You were desperate.
But that still doesn’t tell me anything.

JAMIE
Well it began when-

BOOM!

The ship shakes.

GBW brings up information.

GBW
Well, it seems they’re firing upon us.
(hits buttons)
I don’t think this ship can handle much of a pounding.
(hits more buttons)
Nope it can’t.

DREW
(huddling in Bald Imposter’s arms)
What are you going to do??

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well real men would kick their asses.
(looks pointedly at GBW)

GBW
(sighing)
This ship isn’t designed to fight anything
resembling a threat, much less a warship.

JAMIE
We must flee!

GBW
Well, that’s pretty much an impossibility at this moment.

JESSIE
(grimly)
What we need here is some motivation.

GBW
Violence is not going to get you anything, ma’am.

JESSIE
Violence?
I don’t need no stinking violence.
Not when I have these!

JESSIE pulls up her top, revealing her well endowments.

JESSIE
Motivation enough?

GBW is already at the controls and the smoky ship is zooming and zig zagging through the fleet.

DREW
(sotto voce)
Is he doing it because he likes them,
or because he’s scared of them?

JAMIE
I.. I don’t know.

Fade out:

INT. – SMOKY SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

GBW rummages through a dirty refrigerator and pulls out a bag of chips and a case of beer.

GBW
Oddly not much different than back on the AH.com ship.
(settles down to his meal)

JAMIE walks into the mess hall, smiling brightly at him.

GBW
Beer?

JAMIE
Oh, no! all those carbs…

GBW
We’re being hunted down by a fleet of warships
in a ship that’s barely holding together on spit
and a prayer and you’re worried about carbs?

JAMIE
Well, now if you put it that way, it does seem silly.
But I plan on living past this moment of terror.
So keep you temptress ways to yourself.

GBW
Temptress?
Me?

JAMIE
You know what I mean.

GBW
I’m obviously being mistaken for someone else.
The rest of the AH.com crew, maybe.

JAMIE
Who is this AH.com crew you talk about?

GBW
(wistfully)
It’s my ship.

JAMIE
(looks slightly ashamed)
I know I haven’t said it before, but I’m sorry we
had to kidnap you and your first mate. Especially
when you two were probably having a nice
time together.

GBW
Uh… sure…
Right…

JAMIE
I know it used to so hard for me and my partner to
find enough time together. Then this whole war happened.

GBW
(disheartened)
Boyfriend, huh?
(beat)
Wait. Partner?
You’re gay?

JAMIE
(nods)
Everyone here is gay.

GBW
(thinking)
That makes… four or five Lesbian Universes
I’ve been too. Man, they get around.
(beat)
Wait, what about Drew, she seems pretty
attached to the Bald Imposter.

JAMIE
Oh, she’s gay too.
(pause)
Say, you got such a pretty mouth.
(sets her hand upon GBW’s)
Do you want to find a secluded spot?

GBW
Uh.. didn’t you say you were a lesbian.

JAMIE
Oh, I’m n-

Suddenly the ship shakes violently. Alarms begin blaring.

JAMIE
What’s happening?

GBW
Something bad, I’m assuming.

GBW and JAMIE rush out the door. THE BALD IMPOSTER comes running out of a closet, shirtless with DREW trailing behind him, equally disheveled.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Are we gonna die?
I was just getting some action!

GBW
I don’t know.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well, if we are. Mind if I finish up back here?
I wanna die doing what I love.

GBW
(sighing)
Just get to the bridge.

They rush into the bridge of the ship, JESSIE is standing staring at a monitor. On it shows the fleet of chasing ships suddenly large and surrounding them.

JESSIE
I don’t know what happened.

GBW hits some buttons on a control panel.

GBW
This is odd, but someone shut down the engines.
I thought you guys said you didn’t know how to operate a ship?

JESSIE
Those peace loving idiots from Earth don’t, but
we war loving masters of war from Mars do!

GBW
Huh?

DREW
A spy!
In our midst!
You bitch!

JESSIE
(laughs)
Fools. You think that we didn’t
know about your little plan?
We know everything.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Dude, what’s going on here.

GBW
I have no idea. But I think we’ve just been betrayed.
Or saved, I’m still trying to decide which are the
good guy sand whom are the bad.

JAMIE
You’ll never take us alive!
GBW activate the self destruct.

GBW
Uh.. this ship doesn’t have one.
What makes you think it would?

JAMIE
Reruns of Star Trek…

THE BALD IMPOSTER
You like Star Trek? Damn, that’s hot.
You want to join me in the broom closet?

GBW
Baldie! Concentrate!

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Did you just call me Baldie?

DREW
I like it. It matches you.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well, if the lady likes it.

JESSIE
Shut up! All of you!
I’m here to say that your time is up and that
the Earther Resistance has come to an end!
Enjoy your captivity.
(laughs)

GBW
not if I can help it.
(reaches for controls)

JESSIE does a judo chop and GBW crumples to the floor unconscious.

JESSIE
Any more heroic actions?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Man, that’s hot.

Fade out:

INT. – CELL – DAY

GBW opens his eyes and groans.

JAMIE
Oh, you’re awake.
I was worried.

GBW
How long have I been out?

JAMIE
About a day.

GBW
A day?

JAMIE
Jessie judo chopped you good.

GBW
(looks down)
what happened to my pants?

JAMIE
The guards took ‘em. They tried to
have their way with you, those sluts.

GBW
Oh?
Man, they must have been desperate.

JAMIE
They haven’t seen a guy in a year.
Of course they want to jump the bones
of the first guy they see. It’s only natural.

GBW
Remind me to ask you what the hell is going on,
once my brain stops trying to vomit.

GBW looks around. He sees DREW sitting in the corner, looking depressed.

GBW
Where’s Baldie?

JAMIE
They took him about five hours ago.

GBW
For what?

JAMIE
(folding arms across chest)
Like is said, they’re sluts.

GBW
(beat)
Oh…
Good for him…
(pondering)
Well, this kind of explains things.
One world, obviously Mars, that’s seemingly
heterosexual. The other, Earth, seemingly
homosexual. No wonder they’re war. But
that doesn’t explain the lack of males…

JAMIE
Oh, Mar’s isn’t he-

The cell door opens and THE BALD IMPOSTER gets shoved in. He lands on the floor in a heap, a big grin plastered on his face. He lies there for a moment, then glances up to GBW and JAMIE.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well, now I forgive you guys for kidnapping me…
(rolls on his back)
Wow…
I mean.. wow…

DREW
(icily)
Have fun?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hell, yeah.
(beat)
Oh. Uh… no?

DREW
Asshole.

JAMIE
(to GBW, sotto voce)
She seems pissed.

GBW
Really?
(to JAMIE)
So tell me, what the hell is going on here?

JAMIE
(sighs)
It begins, like all good stories, a long time ago in a universe far,
far away. The original universe wasn’t what you called alternative
lifestyle friendly, so we packed up and headed out. We found a
world that was both uninhabited and began anew. But like all new
societies, we were split. Some of us wanted to live in peace and
some of us wouldn’t let go of their warlike desires.
(breath)
So, the warlike ones left, ironically settling on Mars. The ones who
wanted peace, stayed on Earth. Everything was fine, we lived in
peace. Then that ship came and spread a virus among the people
of both planets.

GBW
(interested)
A ship?
A virus?

JAMIE
It changed everything. It caused chaos and nearly drove both our
societies into the ground. The Martians being war like and evil,
decided the only way to soldier on was to start a war with Earth.
That way they could become united under one goal. It has un-
fortunately been too successful. We have been driven underground
and all our glorious cities and works have been destroyed.

GBW
So… what was the whole deal with kidnapping us?

JAMIE
We are a peaceful people, but we needed someone with
experience to fly the ship we built, to lead us into battle.

GBW
And you choose me?
I’m.. I’m flattered.

JAMIE
It was a desperate choice.

GBW
I’m still flattered.
Do you know who these ship people
were that brought the virus?

JAMIE
I don’t know. I know it was a massive ship, heavily armed and
commanded by a cruel and evil woman. She… uh… came looking
for sexual partners, for her and her crew. She found none and
instead release the virus upon our worlds and tok what she wanted.

GBW
That’s a pretty odd reason to release a virus that caused such chaos.

JAMIE
I said she was cruel and evil.

GBW
Right.
Did you get the name of this ship?

JAMIE
Yeah, everyone knows it. The A-

The door slams open and three female guards enter the room, brandishing clubs.

GUARD 1
Which one again?
The tubby one or the one that looks like
he just fell of a gay pride parade float?

GUARD 2
The Tubby One.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, I don’t look like I fell off
a gay pride parade float!

One of the women walks up to THE BALD IMPOSTER, leering at him.

GUARD 3
Can I have him?

GUARD 1
Not now. Later.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Man. I’m so loving this place.
(grins)

GUARD 2
Shut up.
(to GBW)
Tubby one. Get up and lets go.

GBW
I’m not going unless you tell me what I’m being taken for.

GUARD 1
Come with us or you’ll be beaten with a rubber hose.

GBW
Alright, I’m coming.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Dude. Just keep an open mind.
These girls are KINK-KEY, in capital letters.
So just keep an open mind and go with the flow.

GBW
What?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I’m wasn’t what you call a big fan of the strap-ons, before this,
but now it’s definitely going in my bag of tricks.

GBW
Uh…

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Keep an open mind.

GBW and the GUARDS leave.

INT. – LARGE ROOM – DAY

GBW is sitting upon the carpeted floor, hands tied behind his back.

GBW
(mumbling)
As long as they don’t grab my ass and call me supple, I can handle it…

GUARD 2 smacks GBW’s ass.

GUARD 1
Nice and supple, eh?

GUARD 2
Could use some work.
You can’t bounce a quarter off of it.

GBW
I’m not a piece of meat.

GUARD 1
I’d do him.

GUARD 2
I guess I would too.

GBW
Treat me like a piece of meat.
Please?

A door opens and a woman in a severe military uniforms walks in. ADMIRAL WATSON, behind her is JESSIE.

ADMIRAL WATSON
(leering at GBW)
Not bad.

GBW
It’s the lack of men in the last year that’s causing
that reaction. In reality, most women are turned off
by my lack of hygiene and basic social skills.

JESSIE
This one’s the smart one.
The other one’s just good to look at.

ADMIRAL WATSON
So they were going to use you to command
the ship that was supposed to defeat us, eh?

GBW
I have no idea what you are talking about.

JESSIE
I haven’t seen this ship they said they have, but
it’s possible that they might actually have one.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Unlikely.
But then again, we can’t take chances.
(grins at GBW)
and you’re obviously being very uncooperative.

GBW
I just don’t know anything.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Jessie, bring out Leroy.

GBW
Leroy? Who’s Leroy?

ADMIRAL WATSON
It’s not who, but what?

JESSIE brings sets a huge dildo upon the table.

GBW
Uh..

ADMIRAL WATSON
Call it vigorous interrogation.

GBW
Open mind, indeed.

Fade out:

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – CELL – DAY

JAMIE, DREW, and THE BALD IMPOSTER sit in the cell.

JAMIE
Damn, it. We have to get out of here!

DREW
Yeah, because it’s so easy to do that.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I kinda like it here…

DREW
(acidly)
I’ll bet.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(oblivious)
Yup. I really do…

JAMIE
(worried)
What will they do to GBW?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Probably the same thing they did to me.
(grins)
Lube and tug in all the right places.

JAMIE
That’s not helping, Baldie.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Oh? I was supposed to be helping.
Well, should we just take out mind off things
for a bit? I suggest you begin taking off your
top and we’ll proceed from there.

The door opens to the cell and GUARD 2 enters. She grins at THE BALD IMPOSTER.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
See, my charm is already working
it’s miraculous magic.

JAMIE
Desperation tends to cloud the mind.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
That why I usually picked up all
my chicks at support groups.

GUARD 2
You. Take off your pants.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Already did.

DREW
Wow. That was pretty quick.

JAMIE suddenly tackles GUARD 2 while she’s distracted. They tumble on the floor for a moment and then DREW joins the fray. THE BALD IMPOSTER watches.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I so do enjoying coming to this universe.

GUARD 2
Alright! Alright! I give up!
Lemme go!

JAMIE and DREW tie up the guard and disarm her.

DREW
Now. What do we do?

JAMIE
We find GBW and we get out of here.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
You two can go without me. I think I kinda like it here…

JAMIE
(points gun at the Bald Imposter)
You’re coming with us.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, you know what?
I think I might join you two.
Rescuing GBW are we?
(grins)
Always liked that guy.

The three leave.

INT. – ROOM – DAY

GBW backs up into a wall, before him are JESSIE and ADMIRAL WATSON. Both are stripped naked and advancing upon him with determination.

GBW
Ladies. I assure you there are better
ways to get information out of me than this.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Yes, I’m sure there is, but this is the way we do it on Mars.

GBW
I would make the suggestion that you begin
reforming your interrogation techniques.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Does he always sound so insufferably smart?

JESSIE
Yes. Yes he does.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Gag him.

JESSIE advances upon him with a ball gag.

Suddenly the door crashes open and JAMIE and DREW are there, THE BALD IMPOSTER peeks in, sees what he likes and enters the room fully.

JAMIE
GBW! Did they touch you!

GBW
Um… they attempted some indignities on me.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, Leroy ain’t all that bad.
Like I said, open mind.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Get them!

The two women charge the others.

THE BALD IMPOSTER gets shoved out of the way by DREW as she tackles JESSIE and ADMIRAL WATSON tackles JAMIE. THE BALD IMPOSTER heads for GBW.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, I like your thong.

GBW
Um.. thanks?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Really, it does wonders for you ass. Makes it look supple.

GBW
(sighs)
I think we should help the women.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Nah. Never try to interfere when chicks are fighting.
You’ll end up with your pecker torn off or something.

GBW
You really put things in perspective.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
It’s what I do.

The four women continue fighting.

GBW
I wonder how long this’ll last?

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

JAMIE, DREW, GBW, and THE BALD IMPOSTER, all dressed in sever military uniforms, move down the hall. GBW and THE BALD IMPOSTER wear long wigs and have bundles stuffed into their coats.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Man, I look lopsided.
(adjusts bundles)
Now they’re too close together.

GBW
I’ve never seen a man more worried about
the position of his fake breasts in my life.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
If you’re going to do something.
Do it right.

GBW
Do we know where we’re going?

JAMIE
There should be a shuttle bay on this level.
We’ll steal a shuttle and head back to earth.

GBW
Do you know the distances involved?
A shuttle is not a spacecraft that can
travel long distances.

JAMIE
Then we steal a ship.

GBW
Ships aren’t exactly easy to steal.

JAMIE
Then you come up with a bloody plan!

GBW walks up to a map on the wall and scans at it for a few seconds.

GBW
Here.

The three gather around him.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What about here?

GBW
The men’s sauna?
(sighs)
Just keep a look out would you?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I can do that.

DREW
What do you need us to do?

GBW watches THE BALD IMPOSTER for a moment.

GBW
Make sure he doesn’t get us in any trouble.

DREW nods and joins THE BALD IMPOSTER keeping a look out.

JAMIE
What’s the plan?

GBW
I think we can get to the computer core of this place
and disrupt it so that we can make our escape.

JAMIE
Can that be done?

GBW
I’ve done it a few times before.

JAMIE
Wow, you’re really talented.

GBW
Tell that to the crew of my ship.
(looks at the map)
Alright, let’s go.

INT. – WATSON’S ROOM – DAY

ADMIRAL WATSON rises up off the floor. She glares about and jerks JESSIE to her feet.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Find them.
Then kill them.

JESSIE
What about the men?

ADMIRAL WATSON
KILL THEM ALL!

JESSIE
But-

ADMIRAL WATSON
Fine, you can keep one.

JESSIE
Whoo-hoo!
(runs out the door)

ADMIRAL WATSON
Hey, where did Leroy go?

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, look what I took.

GBW
Why would you take that?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Why not?

GBW
It’s a giant phallus.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What? You’re scared of it or something.

GBW
No. It’s that there’s no reason to be carrying it around.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Well, seeing as we’re unarmed. I was thinking
I could use it as a bat or womthing…
(gives it a few practice swings)

GBW
Right…

JAMIE
Why is your friend swing around that huge cock?

GBW
That question, oddly, has been asked of me before.
(glances at the Bald Imposter)
I think he likes it…

JAMIE
Right…

INT. – COMPUTER ROOM – DAY

Outside the door lie two unconscious guards.

THE BALD IMPOSTER is twirling around the Leroy.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
See. It works.

GBW
I never said it wouldn’t work.
I was more concerned about the visual aspect
of carrying around a large phallic device.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
But it worked.

GBW

You could have at least taken
the weapons they had on them.

THE BALD IMPOSTER

Why? I’ve got my giant cock as a weapon.

GBW

That statement disturbs me more than
anything has in the last few weeks.

JAMIE

I’ve got the guns.
I think we should get to work, before
they know we’ve made a run for it.

Suddenly the alarms begin going off.

GBW
I think they just found out.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

JESSIE and several dozen GUARDS are marching down the corridor, they’re heavily armed and look pissed.

JESSIE
Find them. Keep the pretty one alive.

They march onward.

INT. – COMPUTER ROOM – DAY

JAMIE worried looks at a monitor showing the activating security troops.

JAMIE
If you’re gonna do something, I think now is the best time.

GBW
(cracking knuckles)
Here, goes nothing.
(begins hitting keys)

Nothing.

JAMIE
Uh…

GBW
Wait for it.
(hits keys)

Nothing.

GBW
(hits keys some more)
This.. This has never happened to me.
I mean it.

JAMIE
Don’t worry. I’m sure it happens to everyone.

GBW
Not to me!
I… I don’t…
(shakes head)

THE BALD IMPOSTER pokes his head out the door, there’s a crash of weapons fire. DREW begins firing down the corridor.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Yup. Looks like they’ve found us.

DREW
I think I got one.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Good girl.

JAMIE
Do something.
We’ll hold them off.

GBW
(sighs)
I’ll try.

JAMIE
Don’t try.
Do.

GBW begins bashing his head against the computer console.

INT. – COMMAND CENTER – DAY

A TECHNICIAN looks up.

TECHIE
We’ve managed to secure our computer
systems Nothing will be able to break it.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Excellent.
Send all forces to that computer room, kill them all.

Begins laughing manically.

INT. – COMPUTER ROOM – DAY

GBW is pounding away at the computer keys. Numbers, images, diagrams, and all manner of things flash across the screen. He does not look happy.

Behind him THE BALD IMPOSTER, DREW, and JAMIE are battling it out with the security guards.

JAMIE
We’re gonna be overrun here.

GBW
I think… I got.. it.
(hits last button)

Suddenly everything goes dark.

GBW
Well, some of it, anyway.
(beat)
Who the hell is grabbing my ass!

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Aw, damn it.
I thought you were Jamie.

JAMIE
What are we going to do now.

GBW
Flee.

INT. – COMMAND CENTER – DAY

ADMIRAL WATSON is illuminated by emergency lights.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Restore the damn power!

TECHIE
On it!

The power comes back on.

INT. – COMPUTER ROOM – DAY

The door to the computer room is blasted in. Gurads swarm into the room, weapons drawn. The room is empty, except for…

JESSIE
Who left their giant cock in here?

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

The four are scurrying down the corridor.

GBW
No. We’re not going back.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
But. I left my giant cock behind!

GBW suddenly slides to a stop.

JAMIE
What the hell…

They all look to where GBW is looking.

There’s stenciling on the door proclaiming: SHIP DOCKS.

GBW
I got a plan.

They head toward the docks.

INT. – COMMAND CENTER – DAY

TECHIE
We’ve just got a report saying that some
guards have been attacked in the docks.

ADMIRAL WATSON
Damn it. They’re trying to escape!

JESSIE (over comm)
We’re on our way.

ADMIRAL WATSON
If they escape, it’s your head!

JESSIE (over comm.)
Damn it!

INT. – SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

THE BALD IMPOSTER, GBW, JAMIE, and DREW hurry down a corridor.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I can’t believe they just leave ships lying around like this.

GBW
Something I learned in all the adventures
I’ve been on. Most bad guys are pretty
stupid when it comes to leaving things
where people can get them and use
them against them.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Works for the heroes, though, don’t it?

GBW
Yup.

JAMIE
I think I found the bridge.

GBW
Now to get the hell out of here.

EXT. – SPACE – DOCKS – DAY

We see a ship blast it’s way out of the docks.

INT. – OUTSIDE DOCKS – DAY

JESSIE comes to a halt, glaring as the ship pulls away.

JESSIE
Damn them!

INT. – STOLEN SHIP’S BRIDGE – DAY

JAMIE looks at a screen.

JAMIE
Can I use this?

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey, it’s the weapons control.
(beat)
Go right on ahead.

GBW
I don’t think-

JAMIE punches buttons on the weapons console.

The ship fires.

GBW
Huh?

INT. – OUTSIDE DOCKS – DAY

We see a rocket flying toward the docks.

JESSIE
Aw, shit.

BOOM!!!!

INT. – STOLEN SHIP’S BRIDGE – DAY .

GBW
Nice shot.

JAMIE
Thanks.
(grins)

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What now?

GBW
We run for freedom.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I think we’ve got company.

The screen shows scores of ships coming their way.

JAMIE
I think we’re doomed.

GBW
Open a channel to the base.

DREW
Uh.. how do you do that?

GBW
(sighs)
I’ll do it myself.

The screen flickers on to show ADMIRAL WATSON.

ADMIRAL WATSON
You can’t escape now, fools.
My ships will hunt you down.

GBW
I’m asking you to surrender.

ADMIRAL WATSON
HA! Surrender. My fleet is approaching.

GBW
Right. About them.
(hits a few buttons)

The screen shows the ships all beginning to drift apart, heading in every which direction.

ADMIRAL WATSON
What?

GBW
Oh, when I hacked you computers, I also
hacked the information being fed to those ships.

ADMIRAL WATSON
You’ll pay for this!

GBW hits more buttons and the lights go off behind ADMIRAL WATSON.

GBW
I still control everything on that base. I could
shut off the power, the lights, you already
don’t have access to the weapons, ships,
or defenses. I could fire a missile from this
ship and blow it all to hell. Now, I suggest
you surrender.

ADMIRAL WATSON
(staring)
We.. we surrender.

GBW
Cool.

The screen turns off.

JAMIE
Oh, my god! That was the most
awesome thing I’ve ever seen!
(throws herself into GBW’s arms)

GBW
(grinning)
I do my best.

He is buried under and avalanche of kisses.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(to Drew)
Y’know he couldn’t have done it without me.

DREW throws herself into THE BALD IMPOSTER’s arms and they begin rolling around on the floor, tearing each other’s clothes off.

GBW
Well.. happy endings.

JAMIE
Oh, they’ll be plenty of those.

Fade out:

MONTAGE

EARTH troops are being ferried by ships captained by women.

The MARTIANS are surrendering en mass.

The EARTH flag flies over MARTIAN bases.

GBW talks with the new captains, showing them how fly the ships.

GBW is looking into a microscope.

THE BALD IMPOSTER swaggers through a room full of women, grinning. He is jumped by all of them.

JAMIE and DREW are heaped with awards and give speeches.

GBW reads stacks of books, labeled: BIOLOGY, CHEMISTRY, BIOCHEMISTRY, etc.

END OF MONTAGE

INT. – GBW’S NEW LAB – DAY

GBW is sitting in front of a computer, numbers scrawling across the monitor. JAMIE is standing beside him, arm draped across his shoulder. In the background DREW and the BALD IMPOSTER are snuggling on a couch.

There’s a large stack of biology books in front of him.

GBW
I’ve been going over the virus you said infected
your populations. Its seems very familiar in design.

JAMIE
I’m not sure you’ll be able to do anything for us.

GBW
The virus is still around, I suppose?

JAMIE
Oh, yes. But seeing as you and Baldie weren’t
infected, I guess it’s not spreading anymore. We
just have to live with the consequences.
(sighs)

GBW
I’ve been looking up the logs of the Martians, they were
the first to get hit with the virus and they recorded the
meeting with the ship that brought the virus.

The monitor flickers to life, an image of a vortex appearing and a ship coming out of it.

GBW
That’s…a very familiar ship.

JAMIE
A nice big long ship.
(grins)

GBW
I know that ship.

JAMIE
Oh?

GBW
(a little worried)
Uh… do you remember the name
of the captain of the vessel?

JAMIE
Not really. I know they
kept calling him a doctor.

GBW
(looking a little worried)
Uh… Doctor What?

JAMIE
That sounds about right.

GBW
Was the captain a man or a woman?

JAMIE
Woman.

The image on the monitor shows the Evil AH.COM ship.

GBW
You never really told us the effects of the virus.
Beyond it nearly destroying your societies.

JAMIE
It was terrible. It is terrible.

GBW
(Rubbing his temples)
This isn’t a universe overrun by lesbians is it?
If you were all lesbians, Baldie wouldn’t have
had all the success he’s been having.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
And a grand time it was.
(grins)

JAMIE
No. we’re not lesbians.

GBW
But you’re gay, right?

JAMIE
Yeah.

GBW
Let me guess. This virus…
It changed your genders?

JAMIE
(quietly)
Yes.

GBW
(snapping fingers)
That explains everything.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Wait? What’s going on?

GBW
The virus that infected this universe was brought over by a ship
we’ve run across from time to time. We call it the Evil AH.com
ship. A year ago they attacked our ship in hopes of finding a cure
for a virus they accidentally released on their ship, a virus that
changed their genders.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Changed their genders.

GBW
We call it the Gender-bender virus.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Gender. Bender?

GBW
It’s the same virus that infected this world.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I don’t-

GBW
This universe isn’t a lesbian or an all woman universe,
it was actually a gaysexual universe. Full of men. Men
who were infected with the gender-bender virus, which
turned them all into women.

THE BALD IMPOSTER just stares.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What? You mean you’re all guys!

DREW
Yes.

THE BALD IMPOSTER just stares.

GBW
That would explain the nymphomania
rampant amongst the Martians.

JAMIE
They’re not civilized and restrained as us from Earth.

GBW
The virus doesn’t seem to change sexual attraction,
just the way you look. Therefore they were still all
attracted to men.

JAMIE
And after nearly a year of no men…

GBW
(looking at The Bald Imposter)
They jumped at the first chance they got.

THE BALD IMPOSTER just stares.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
You mean…

GBW
Yup.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Really?

GBW
Yup. That would explain all the gender neutral
names that abounded here. Jamie. Jessie. Drew.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Sam?

GBW
I think that was the only non neutral name.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
But…
(beat)
Aw, crap. Not again…

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

GBW pops into existence upon the pad. G.BONE looks up. PSCYHOMELTDOWN is cracking walnuts with an expensive looking computer pad.

G.BONE
Hey, GBW. You’re back.

GBW
Yeah.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
People were wondering where you got off to.
They said you’d been kidnapped by some hot chicks.

GBW
Sort of.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But everyone knows you’re not into chicks.

GBW
Shut up.

G.BONE
Well, welcome back.

GBW
Thanks.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, we already divvied up your stuff.
The three day rule was in effect.

GBW
I was gone for only two days.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Like I said, three day rule.

GBW
(sighs)
Home. Sweet. Home.

EXT. – HUB – DOCKS – NIGHTISH

We see two figures walking, one figure is leaning heavily upon the other. The first figure is wearing a elaborate looking dress and hidden by shadows, while the other is THE BALD IMPOSTER.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(drunkenly)
I tell you what, she totally didn’t look like a dude.
I mean. Those tits.. that ass…
Any man would have been fooled!
Any man!

DRESS WEARER
Now, now dearie. It’s going to be all right.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
I just telling you this, because…because I’m not gay.
I’m straight. Like an arrow. Like those ruler things.
It was just.. just that he looked like a girl!
That damn gender bender virus!
It’d fool any man.
Even manly men like me!

DRESS WEARER
Here we are.

Pan toward a large ship that’s sitting at dock. It’s an odd looking ship, whereas most multiverse ships look like spaceships, this one looks more like an 18TH century Man of War, complete with hatches for cannons and sails with rigging.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
The hell? Hey, nice ship.
I thought we were going back to your place?

A man walks forward from the ship, it’s JUSTIN PICKARD wearing a spiffy looking uniform. Besides him stands a smaller figure, a young man in rough sailor’s clothing, NEKROMANS.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Another volunteer, sir?

We pan toward the DRESS WEARER and see that it’s FELLATIO NELSON.

FELLATIO NELSON
Aye and a strapping lad he is.

JUSTIN PICKARD
He’ll make a fine addition to the crew.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
The hell?
What’s going on here?
I thought I was gonna get laid?

FELLATIO NELSON
Oh, I’m sure that can be arranged.

NEK
Can I have first go, sir?
Can I please?

FELLATIO NELSON
Eager as always, Nek. With that kind of attitude you’ll make captain one day.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
(confused)
What the hell is going on here?

FELLATIO NELSON
You, sir, have the pleasure of being pressed
into His Majesty’s Royal Gaysexual Navy.

JUSTIN PICKAR/NEK
God save the Queen!

THE BALD IMPOSTER
What the hell?
Wait. Gaysexual?

THE BALD IMPOSTER stares at FELLATIO NELSON for a long time.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Hey! You’re not a girl!

FELLATIO NELSON
I assure you, I’m all man.
I’ll even show you later.
(to Nek and Justin)
Justin!!

JUSTIN PICKARD
Sir!

FELLATIO NELSON
Get him on board, lubed up, and into some spandex.
We’re leaving port! The Dons will be done licking
their wounds and be looking for a fight.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Aye, aye, sir!

JUSTIN PICKARD and NEKROMANS lead THE BALD IMPOSTER away.

THE BALD IMPOSTER
Oh, god damn it!
Not again!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS