TEASER
EXT- SPACE – DAY
Middle-range shot of the AH.COM in orbit around another version of Earth. ZOOM IN on hull, through the hull and into the ship’s bridge.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
What do you want this time?
OTHNIEL
(basically pleading)
I’d like a chance to apprentice with somebody on the ship. Anybody.
DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
You don’t want to learn at my feet anymore?
I’ve got a great deal to teach about porn selection, alcohol
consumption, and how to die whilst pleasuring a woman.
OTHNIEL shudders at the thought.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay.
(calls offscreen)
Hey, Landshark!
ZOOM IN on LANDSHARK on the other side of the bridge, doing something with one of the floor panels.
LANDSHARK
What is it this time?
(quickly adding)
I wasn’t me, damn it.
DOCTOR WHAT
Othniel wants to help you with whatever that is.
LANDSHARK
Okay.
OTHNIEL
(sarcastically)
Gee, thanks, sir!
OTHNIEL crouches down next to LANDSHARK, who hands him a wire.
LANDSHARK
Hold onto this while I go to Engineering.
I have to see what’s the matter at the other end.
OTHNIEL
(beat)
Sure thing.
The CAMERA zooms out from the bridge, through the hull, and shows
EXT – SPACE – DAY
The AH.com ship flying in orbit around another Earth, several times. ZOOM IN on the palnnet. Shots of sunrises and sunsets, shadows flying across landscapes, CAMERA flies around the ship several times, shows starscapes, moonscapes, the Earth several more times.
INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM -DAY
OTHNIEL is still sitting on the floor holding the end of the wire, smiling contentedly. DR.WHAT is staring at the viewscreen, evidently listening to LEO describe the earth DOCTOR WHAT is looking at. Eventually DOCTOR WHAT rises from his seat and goes to the lift, ignoring OTHNIEL.
INT – MESS HALL – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT comes into the mess hall. DIAMOND, IRONYUPPIE, and GBW are playing a board game.
DOCTOR WHAT
We’re ready for some volunteers to check out another Earth.
DIAMOND
How much beer do they have?
DR WHAT
I didn’t ask. Every Earth has beer, anyway.
We just have to be careful about the war.
DIAMOND
All right then what war?
DOCTOR WHAT
The one in North America. Leo says it
involves an underground railroad.
LUAKEL wanders into the mess hall, playing with a handheld video game.
LUAKEL
I always wanted to see an underground railroad.
IRONYUPPIE
It’s a subway, twit.
LUAKEL
What’s a subwaytwit?
GBW
She was calling you a twit.
LUAKEL
(beat.)
Oh. They’ve got subways here. Big deal.
GBW
Let’s go see what the war is all about.
DIAMOND
(scoffing)
Who invited Nerdo here?
IRON YUPPIE
You’re just mad because he’s beating you,
even while you’re cheating.
DIAMOND
It’s not cheating. It’s just being selective
about what rules I wish to follow.
INT. – AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT, DIAMOND, IRONYUPPIE, GBW, LANDSHARK and LUAKEL are listening to LEO CAESIUS describe the world they’re orbiting. They are ignoring OTHNIEL, who is still sitting on the floor, holding the wire.
LEO CAESIUS
This seems to be a world where the Nazis won the Civil War.
DIAMOND
Isn’t that a little…anachronistic?
LEO CAESIUS
Apparently not. The POD appears to be the early nineteenth century.
An individual named Ingmar Hiller became a noted proto-fascist leader
in the southern half of the United States. He foresaw the potential industrial
dominance of the North, and founded the Nationalist Alliance of the Zealots
of Industry. The acronym is, of course, NAZI.
GBW
(shudders)
The Nazis. What happened to Jefferson Davis?
LEO CAESIUS
As far as I can tell, Lincoln, Davis and Lee disappeared
from history decades earlier. Under Hiller’s leadership,
the South seceded and won the Civil War.
IRONYUPPIE
How’s their technology?
LEO CAESIUS
Their tech is about at the level of
World War One–no nukes or jet airplanes.
DIAMOND
How big is their territory?
LEO CAESIUS
The Confederacy holds the American South, Southwest and the Caribbean.
They have recently launched a war of conquest against the United States,
to get rid of them as a threat. The Confederacy has managed to take most
of Illinois, Ohio and Indiana. The North has held onto most of the rest of
their territory. Michigan is a sort of neutral zone between the two sides.
GBW
What about the underground railroad?
LEO CAESIUS
This subway system is incredibly extensive, covering thousands
of square miles of territory. It’s not really consistent with the level
of technology I observe. The Northerners seem to be using it for
escaped slaves. The Southerners have taken control of parts of the
system and are using it for…something else. I’m not sure what.
DIAMOND
The CF.NET guys might be helping them!
I got dibs on the shuttle!
LANDSHARK
Leo didn’t say anything about the CF.NET crew.
DIAMOND
Well, they might be down there helping these guys develop an
interdimensional invasion fleet. And there’s that underground
railroad. And who knows what other stuff. We need some sort
of excuse for going down there. They’ve got beer, after all.
DOCTOR WHAT
Sounds good to me.
Plus who fucking likes Nazis?
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“CONFEDERATE NAZIS”
Written By : SUNSURF
ACT I
INT – SHIP’S – HYDROPONICS BAY – DAY
DAVE HOWERY wanders through the door and slouches against the wall, watching
EVOLVED_SAURIAN, a dinosaur, who is casually strolling among the plants, sniffing each one in turn and occasionally munching on a leaf or two. It seems peaceful and content.
KIT wanders through a different doorway and slouches against the wall next to DAVE
HOWERY. He’s carrying a bucket of fertilizer and a spade.
DAVE HOWERY
Which world did that dinosaur come from, again?
KIT
I forget how long ago it was, but it was one of the worlds
with no people. Just dinosaurs. And really weird birds.
Birds are really dinosaurs, you know.
DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, yeah. So who let this one on board?
KIT
Luakel, of course. He’s got this obsession with dinosaurs now,
Since he watched those “Land Before Time” videos.
DAVE HOWERY
You mean the porno ones?
KIT
No. the cartoons.
DAVE HOWERY
And how is that fun?
KIT
(shrugs)
Who knows.
But now Luakel has this obsession with them.
DAVE HOWERY
Like with the whole Ninja Turtles,
Rainbow Brite, and rhinestones thing?
KIT
I think the Rainbow Brite was Thande.
DAVE HOWERY
(Nodding)
Right. Right.
KIT
But he let that thing onto our ship. And now it won’t leave.
DAVE HOWERY
Have you named him?
KIT
Not so far.
DAVE HOWERY
I wonder if he’s good for anything?
KIT
(shrugs)
I hear they taste like chicken. You know
because they would have evolved into birds…
DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, whatever. Look, the reason I came here–I was
hoping you could help me with something. I was trying
to clean out some oscillating framizams and Thande didn’t
have what I needed. Neither did Torq.
KIT
What do you need me for?
DAVE HOWERY
Torq thought maybe one of your weeds
might have a byproduct which might help.
KIT
See, this is why I shouldn’t volunteer to do a few things
every now and then. I volunteer to keep the plants
alive in the Hydroponics Bay, simply so I can get a
cut of the weed that Straha left behind, and
now I get stuck feeding this bird dino here and
growing weird exotic byproduct producing plants
for the crew.
DAVE HOWER
No one said you had to keep the dino alive.
KIT
(sighs)
Alright, it’s time to get greedy and self centered.
DAVE HOWERY
When weren’t you?
KIT
What’s in it for me?
DAVE HOWERY
Remember that world we visited where Liza Minelli
was President of the United States?
KIT
(eyes light up)
Yeah!
DAVE HOWERY
I found a porn video I was saving it f
or when I needed a favor from you.
KIT
Works for me. What’s the title?
DAVE HOWERY
VICE-president LIBERACE SAVES THE WORLD.
KIT
(grinning.)
Great! So, now, what do you need?
DAVE HOWERY
You have a Thai drug called “Non-tai-yak”?
KIT
Yep. You need it?
DAVE HOWERY
One of its components is clitoric acid.
KIT
There’s such a thing as clitoric acid? I’ll be right back.
DAVE HOWERY watches the dinosaur a while as KIT goes into a room and comes back out with a plastic bag, and hands it over.
KIT
If you have any left over, let me know.
DAVE HOWERY
Sure thing.
INT – SHEEPIST TEMPLE – DAY
DIAMOND wanders into the temple, which is a mess. Dust covers everything, there are holes in the ceiling and debris covers the floor. HENDRYK is picking up debris off the floor and putting it into a bin.
DIAMOND
Hey, where are all those crazy orthodox sheepist bastards?
And why the hell are you cleaning up here?
HENDRYK
They’re paying me five dollars an hour to clean up this place.
DIAMOND
Sucks to be you, dude.
HENDRYK
Damn my tentacle porn obsession!
DIAMOND
We’ve found an Earth with Confederate Nazis. Wanna come visit?
HENDRYK
(sighs)
No. I can’t. I need to save up for when we get back to the Hub.
(grins)
Mmmm… Tentacle porn.
DIAMOND
(a bit uneasy)
Yeah. Wish I could help.
HENDRYK looks at DIAMOND, hopefully.
DIAMOND
(hastily)
But unfortunately, DOCTOR WHAT is expecting me…I’m expected to…
uh…um…do stuff…can I bring you anything…? Maybe those guys
down there might have something that could help here…?
HENDRYK
(sadly)
Sure. You can ask about Zhi Wei. Just on
the off chance she might be known there.
DIAMOND
I can try. Good luck with this cleanup.
HENDRYK
(sullenly)
Thanks.
INT – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE SHUTTLE BAY – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
Just in case the CF.NET crew or anybody else shows up,
I want some of you to stay up here. WEAPONM and MATT
will stay up here. LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, DIAMOND,
you’re coming along.
LUAKEL
I wanna come! I’ll be good! I promise!
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. Anybody else?
DIAMOND
I was looking at LEO’s data, and it looks like Michigan
is a good place to set down. It’s a sort of neutral zone
between the two sides, and it has brewpubs. Those are
taverns where you can watch the beer being made, and…
LANDSHARK
Oh, joy. We’ll be subjected to damn
colonials weak attempt at brewing beer again.
DIAMOND
You don’t even drink, what’s it to you?
LANDSHARK
I just hate Americans and anything
remotely relating to America, is all.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, you can come.
GBW
I’ve put together a bunch of gizmos to use, just in case.
They’re hidden in sleeves, pants linings, shoe laces…
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. Hey, G.BONE, what’s wrong with the teleporter this time?
G.BONE (hesitates)
What makes you think anything is wrong with it?
DOCTOR WHAT gives him a look.
G.BONE
Some sort of strange holodeck malfunction.
IRONYUPPIE
But we don’t have a holodeck!
G.BONE
That’s what’s so strange about it.
Can I come along anyway?
DOCTOR WHAT
All right.
INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE – DAY
DIAMOND, DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, LUAKEL, MICHAEL, IRONYUPPIE, G.BONE and GBW are seated in the shuttle.
LUAKEL stares out a porthole. They are now about ten miles up, and approaching a mid-size city on the shores of a lake.
LUAKEL
Hey, everybody, a lake! I hope we can go swimming.
DIAMOND
Where are we landing?
LANDSHARK
Ypsilanti, Michigan. It’s relatively safe, but interesting.
A hundred miles from the nearest battleline.
DIAMOND
Never heard of it. What kind of weird name is that, anyway?
LANDSHARK
It was named after a Greek patriot.
DOCTOR WHAT
Couldn’t you find a place with a name like Sextant or Octopussy?
LUAKEL
How about Long Hard Cock City?
There’s a long silence as every shifts away from LUAKEL.
DIAMOND
Dude, just shut up.
LANDSHARK
(clearing throat)
There’s a Sexsmith, Alberta.
DIAMOND
And there’s a Fukien, Thailand.
LANDSHARK
Those aren’t close enough to where the action is.
EXT. – DOWNTOWN YPSILANTI – DAY
The shuttle lands in a park, and everybody debarks.
LUAKEL
I wanna see that lake we flew over.
Maybe I can go swimming.
LUAKEL strolls away from the group, north through the park toward the river.
MICHAEL
I think there’s a bar over this way.
MICHAEL leads the way, followed by G.BONE and DIAMOND. They walk across the street toward a small row of shops.
DOCTOR WHAT
(looking east to the edge of the park, we see a strip mall.)
I think I see a bigger bar that way. Let’s go!
DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE and GBW begin walking to the edge of the park, and suddenly stop and stare in amazement..
EXT – ANOTHER SECTION OF THE PARK – DAY
The Ypsilanti water tower dominates the view. It is a tall round tower with a larger, darker cap. It is a very phallic-looking cap. Most of the tower is of greyish limestone, the cap is brown, and a little wider than the tower.
DOCTOR WHAT
Holy Bruno!
LANDSHARK
Oh, my Ian!
DOCTOR WHAT
Look at the size of that thing!
LANDSHARK
Can you imagine anything more phallic?
IRONYUPPIE
We don’t have to imagine. Let’s go in!
The group approaches the entrance.
EXT – DOWNTOWN YPSILANTI – DAY
ZOOM IN on one of the storefronts, a bar. The name of the bar is THE REALLY GOOD TOUPEE.
MICHAEL, DIAMOND and G.BONE enter the bar. A large, muscular man in a suit stands in the small foyer. He barely smiles at them and waves them in. The bar has many occupied tables and booths, and stools along the counter. Above the counter a TV set is on, showing the news.
INT – AH.COM MESS HALL – DAY
GREY WOLF
Where did DOCTOR WHAT hide his porn collection this time?
DMA
Where hasn’t he hid it?
WEAPONM
Um, under my bed?
DMA
He’s never hidden it under my bed, either.
GREY WOLF
I think it could be in the galley. In the cupboard where
the cookbooks are. We never use them anyway.
DMA
Well, go get them! And while you’re at it, have Matt do something
about the ship’s weapons. Just in case the CF.NET shows up.
GREY WOLF
Sure thing.
INT – MATT’S QUARTERS – DAY
GREY WOLF
Somebody wants you to do something about
weapons. And the CF.NET ship.
MATT sits up abruptly, tosses a magazine on the floor.
MATT
The CF.NET ship is here?
GREY WOLF
Um, no, not that I know of. But I was told to tell you, just in
case that we should…Anything I can do to help?
MATT
Find some more porn.
GREY WOLF
I think it’s in the kitchen. I mean galley. Let’s go look.
INT – GALLEY – DAY
GREY WOLF
What are you doing here?
KIT
Rumor has it this is where DOCTOR WHAT is
hiding his porn collection this week.
GREY WOLF
Yeah, that’s what I thought too.
Pulls on a cupboard door, out falls a bag labeled PANCAKE FLOUR. It bursts on the countertop, spilling over everything.
MATT
You know, maybe he’s had it transferred to really small video disks.
Maybe that’s not really flour, maybe those are video recordings.
Really small microscopic video recordings. If we can figure out
how to use TORQUMADA’s equipment, we can figure out how to
transfer these and project these so we can watch them.
DMA
That’s a fucking brilliant idea, Matt!
INT – TORQUMADA’S LAB – DAY
TORQUMADA
This is pancake flour, you silly wankers!
GET THE HELL OUTTA MY LAB!!
EXT – DOWNTOWN YPSILANTI – DAY
ZOOM IN on one of the storefronts, a bar. The name of the bar is THE REALLY GOOD TOUPEE.
INT – BEHIND THE COUNTER OF THE BAR – DAY
A young man, GTROF, is working behind the bar. The bartender, ALEX JOSEPH, comes in from the storeroom and sees him. He sets a box down on the counter.
ALEX JOSEPH
Where are those two girls I hired yesterday?
GTROF
Those two girls? Gone fishing, they told me.
ALEX JOSEPH
Fishing! I thought they wanted a job!
Where’d they go fishing?
GTROF
Up north someplace, I don’t know.
MICHAEL, G.BONE and DIAMOND sit down along the bar.
MICHAEL
Can I have a beer?
ALEX JOSEPH
(Forcing a smile)
Sure! You gonna choose or do I have to choose for you?
GTROF
You should pardon him, he’s in a bad mood, and–
Everyone looks at him. GTROF stops talking, picks up a glass at random and starts wiping it.
G.BONE
Only your best!
EXT. – THE YPSILANTI WATER TOWER – DAY
The entrance to the tower is a pair of wooden doors. A booth is to the left of the doors, and Inside the booth is a young man with a name tag which reads CLOUDY VORTEX. The AH.COM crew fail to notice a group of eight men, in dark green suits, wearing sunglasses, loitering outside, watching the entrance.
CLOUDY VORTEX
(smiling)
Tickets are ten dollars each.
IRONYUPPIE reaches inside her blouse and puts an item on the counter in front of CLOUDY VORTEX.
IRONYUPPIE
Take it or leave it!
CLOUDY VORTEX stares in shock at the ornate; bejeweled necklace, wondering if any or all of the sapphires, pearls, emeralds and garnets are real.
LANDSHARK
Are those real?? Where’d you get them??
IRONYUPPIE
That last world we visited. Where the Alaskans and
Hawaiians were fighting over the Panama Canal.
As CLOUDY VORTEX checks the Employee Manual regarding what one should do in this situation, IRONYUPPIE opens the door and leads the others right in.
INT. – YPSILANTI WATER TOWER – DAY
A young woman steps through a doorway, smiles and begins her spiel.
JUSTJULIE
Welcome to the Water Tower Museum, an
annex of the Ypsilanti Historical Society.
LANDSHARK
So the shape of the Water Tower doesn’t…
really…indicate…what’s inside…?
JUSTJULIE
No, sorry, it’s just something to draw in the tourists. The tower is
over a hundred years old, and it wasn’t really meant to be shaped
like…any particular body part. But we do have a lot of…
INT – YPSILANTI WATER TOWER – DAY
CLOUDY VORTEX suddenly rushes in, screaming, followed by eight men in black coveralls. They brandish spray guns, and one of them yells something unintelligible. LANDSHARK pulls out his gun, and fires at them, but misses. The room fills with smoke and the sound of gunshots as everybody starts shooting.
CLOUDY VORTEX leaps onto the back of one and wraps his legs around another one but he is thrown to the floor, tackled, kicked and shot. Another torpedo hits a light fixture on the ceiling and it lands on him. Then a display cabinet falls on top of him, squashing him. That section of the floor gives way and CLOUDY VORTEX falls twenty feet to the basement, with the cabinet and light fixture landing on top of him. JUSTJULIE screams and dashes through an exit, but is captured with the others.
Meanwhile, GBW is hiding behind a counter, putting together a gizmo from tiny pieces hidden in his shirt sleeves and pants cuffs. Finally he has a tiny laser ready. He raises his head above the counter, takes aim and hits several of the Confederates, but then he is knocked out by debris falling from the ceiling. DOCTOR WHAT comes to and fires his gun at the same time IRONYUPPIE hurls her yo-yo, but one of the Confederates fires a gigantic harpoonlike gun which covers everybody in a gigantic, sticky fishnet. They are now prisoners of the Confederacy.
INT – A JAIL CELL – DAY
CLOUDY VORTEX, GBW, JUSTJULIE, DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE and
LANDSHARK are sitting in a jail cell. This is an ordinary cell with benches, a single, high, barred window. Empty sandwich wrappers and paper bags and cups are in a pile in one corner. GBW is taking bits and pieces of things out of the soles of his saddle shoes, and from inside the torn cuffs of his plaid pants and striped shirtsleeves. He is attempting to construct an electronic-looking device.
GBW
In a minute I can finish this laser and
cut the door open and all I have to do now is…
DOCTOR WHAT
Would it be possible for you to work without talking?
GBW
(stops working, thinks a moment, then resumes work.)
Nope.
GBW continues his commentary, finishes his work, steps back, takes aim and the lock on the door breaks with a loud pop. They leave the cell and dash down the corridor, to a wider space where a single guard is eating a sandwich. The guard looks up and yells.
XEN
Stop!
XEN drops his sandwich and gets to his feet, drawing his gun, but GBW shoots his legs off and goes to the cabinet. He takes a bit of plasticine explosive out of nis navel, sticks it on the cabinet handles, and steps back, drawing his gun. He fires, and blows the cabinet open. Inside are the AH.commers’ weapons, which are quickly retrieved.
They run down the corridor, but are suddenly surrounded by guards in Confederate Nazi
uniforms, each with a small, square mustache. DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK open fire, but they are quickly surrounded and gassed. They all pass out.
INT – A SUBWAY – DAY
The AH.COM CREW wakes up to find themselves seated in a row on one side of a subway train, which looks just like the ones in OTL NYC. JUSTJULIE is with them. Posters above the seats praise the glories of the Confederate States. BULGAROKTONOS is sitting facing them, wearing the uniform of a Confederate Nazi major. He has a small, square mustache. On his sleeve is a flag similar to the familar Stars and Bars, but the stars are replaced with swastikas, with a larger swastika in the center. To his right is a cockpit door. Guards are seated in the other seats all around. They also have the same small, square mustache.
BULGAROKTONOS
Evidently our information was misleading. Buildings
shaped like body parts in the Yankee North are not
necessarily full of decadent and vile filth.
JUSTJULIE
We do have a collection of antique joke books.
They have quite a number of jokes with outdated
stereotypes…
DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t think he cares. Where are you taking us?
BULGAROKTONOS
To be interrogated by the top scientists of the
Confederation. Our telescopes detected your ship
in orbit and your shuttle landing–
JUSTJULIE
(shocked, looks at DOCTOR WHAT.)
You’re aliens?!
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, not exactly. But I don’t want anybody…to know…
(tips his head meaningfully toward BULGAROKTONOS)
BULGAROKTONOS
(smiling)
You will tell us all we want to know, soon enough.
EXT – STREET – DAY
LUAKEL is strolling casually along the streets, staring at all the strange architecture and enjoying the nice weather. As he walks by the entrance to an alley, he is accosted by two young women who speak in unison.
GIRLSGOFISHING
Hey, you wanna do something?
LUAKEL looks at the two women, who have identical long red hair and blue eyes. They are identically dressed in black jeans and black T-shirts. Their sneakers have identical tears in them. In the alley behind them is a pile with two identical jackets, two buckets, two toolboxes and two fishing poles.
LUAKEL
What is it?
GIRLSGOFISHING
We wanna do something about the conspiracy
which is ruining the government. You wanna help?
LUAKEL
Uh, which conspiracy? And which government?
GIRLSGOFISHING
The Union and the Confederacy! They’re both being
taken over by mysterious invaders using our politicians…
As they continue ranting LUAKEL backs away and runs. He stops at the next alley to catch his breath.
R_N_
Hay, I’m looking for rceruits!
LUAKEL
For what?
R_N_
To help overthrow the goverment! The Confederacy
is corrupt and needs to bee overthrown!
LUAKEL
What’s so corrupt about it?
R_N_
Well…I was hoping you could…supply the latest…information…
LUAKEL
You mean, like a newspaper? I don’t have one.
What kind of government do you want to install?
R_N_
Well, I was hopping for suggggestions. That’s why I
call myself a raddical neueutreueuuall I’m radicall ’cause
I wanna overthrow the gevorment but I’m nueturuel
because I haven”t realliey desided witch other kind
of goverment I wanna suppport.
LUAKEL
I have an idea stay at home, and let your subconscious mind work
on the idea for ten years. Don’t leave your house for ten years,
and by then your subconscious will have worked out all the details.
R_N_
Gee, thanks! That’s a grate idea! That’s watt aisle due!
R_N_ runs off. LUAKEL walks to the end of the block and crosses the street. As he walks by another alley he is again accosted. This man is thin, with a long gray goatee. He is wearing an old, tattered gray suit and gray tie, and old, worn gray shoes.
THE PROFESSOR
Hey, kid! Wanna help make the world a better place?
LUAKEL
How’s that?
THE PROFESSOR
This war’s gone on too long. We’ve
gotta do something about the government!
LUAKEL
The Confederacy?
THE PROFESSOR
Yes. The problem is that too much transnational economic
inductionalism in their pseudofascistic paradigm induces
nimiety in the succursal infrastructure, inducing inappropriate
nikhedonia, and their neglect of syssitia results in surculation
of the electorate. They’ve gotta change with the times!
For example–
LUAKEL
I don’t know much about economics and that sort of thing–
THE PROFESSOR
Oh, that won’t be a problem. I have all the info you need, right here…
He points to a bookshelf set up against the brick wall. It’s a lovely mahogany bookshelf, filled with rows of perfectly kept leather-bound books.
The titles include THE ECONOMICS OF TWO CITIES, by C. DICKENS; PROCHRONISM AND THE RENAISSANCE, by J. BRAHMS; POSTINDUSTRIAL PARADIGMS, by C.CHANEL and CULINARY ARCHITECTURE by V. BORGE. Beyond that, at the far end of the alley, LUAKEL sees a well-made bed, an ornate nightstand, an art deco lamp, a small refrigerator and a port-a-john. Behind it, a dumpster bears a poster of two smiling goats holding hands.
LUAKEL (talks fast)
I’m…late for something…!
LUAKEL runs to the end of the block, turns the corner and stops at the next alley.
He sees a tall middle-aged man in an orange cape, red robe and black boots. He has a scar on his throat and wears a red, white and blue polka-dot eye patch over his left eye.
CONFEDERATEFLY
Hey kid! You going into that bar?
LUAKEL notes the bar just across the street. The sign above the bar reads THE REALLY GOOD TOUPEE.
Close in on CONFEDERATEFLY’S face. He is smiling at LUAKEL. LUAKEL clears his throat and says the only thing he can think of.
LUAKEL
You better not touch me!
CONFEDERATEFLY shakes his head.
CONFEDERATEFLY
That’s not my style. I need something done.
In that bar. If you’re interested.
CONFEDERATEFLY casually pulls out a wad of bills from one pocket. LUAKEL’s curiosity gets the better of him. Besides, he’s tired from all that running, so he decides to stay and listen. And he’s staring at the wad of money.
LUAKEL
You’re a Confederate spy!
CONFEDERATEFLY makes a non-commital gesture.
CONFEDERATEFLY
I represent the Confederate Freedom Party. Our goal is to defeat
the forces which have corrupted and twisted the original concept
of the Confederate States of America and win the war for the forces
of good! My party represents those true believers who…never mind.
All that exposition bores me, too. I just need you to go into that bar
and deliver a message.
CONFEDERATEFLY presses the roll of bills into LUAKEL’s hand.
LUAKEL.
Sure!
(momentarily suspicious again.) Um, you can’t go in because…?
CONFEDERATEFLY
I don’t know who is in there who might recognize me.
LUAKEL
All right. What’s the message?
CONFEDERATEFLY
The message is, “The rident rowlyrag rides the rimose rincon.”
LUAKEL (suspiciously)
Rident? Rowlyrag? Are those real words?
CONFEDERATEFLY
Of course. It means, the grinning gray gravel criticizes the crinkled crevasse.
LUAKEL
Oh. Okay. Uh, won’t I get in trouble going into a bar?
CONFEDERATEFLY
Not if you remember what to say…
INT – BAR ENTRANCE – DAY
LUAKEL approaches the entrance, opens the door and steps inside. The entryway is just a small space with an open doorway through which the bar can be seen. A large, muscular man in a suit stands there trying to look intimidating.
ALTERNATEARCHON
You old enough to get in here?
LUAKEL
“The rident rowlyrag rides the rimose rincon.”
ALTERNATEARCHON
(Turns around to yell into the interior of the bar)
Hey, PAOLO! Got a kid looking for you!
A tall, older man gets off his chair and walks toward the entrance.
PAOLO THE LIMEY
Another one? He doesn’t look anything like me!
ALTERNATEARCHON
That’s not what I meant.
PAOLO THE LIMEY approaches LUAKEL.
LUAKEL
“The rident rowlyrag “
PAOLO THE LIMEY
Yeah, yeah, Confederatefly’s in trouble again.
INT – ANOTHER PART OF THE BAR – DAY
Two tall women are seated at one small table. One is SOUTHERN BELLE, an attractive,
heavy-set, middle-aged blonde in a yellow dress and white gloves. The other is BLACK_SKIN_WOMAN, a slim, middle-aged woman with dark skin, wearing a velvet blue dress with a high collar, and gold-colored gloves and shoes. They both have folders and notebooks in front of them.
DIAMOND
Hi. Can I buy you two beautiful women a drink?
SOUTHERN BELLE
Sure.
DIAMOND sits down, signals a waitress.
JENNA
What can I get you?
DIAMOND
Beer, of course. And whatever they want.
SOUTHERN BELLE
Your best sangria.
DARK_SKIN_WOMAN
Your best Irish creme de menthe.
JENNA
Comin’ right up.
DIAMOND
A friend of mine is looking for someone special.
I wonder if you’ve ever heard of her–Zhi Wei?
DARK_SKIN_WOMAN
Oh, yes, that’s a very familiar name around here.
SOUTHERN BELLE
I believe I can oblige you if you’ll excuse me…? I’ll be right back.
SOUTHERN BELLE leaves the table, goes through a pair of double doors, and soon comes back with a tall, overweight man in an expensive suit. He has long, thick gray hair and a long thick gray beard.
ALT-DIAMOND
Yes, I’m Zhi Wei. That was my code name, though
it doesn’t matter since I left spying long ago.
I don’t cross-dress any more. How did you hear about me?
INT – THE BARTENDER’S STATION – DAY
The others are seated on barstools facing the mirror and the many bottles lined up against the mirror. G.BONE is studying the bottles, the others are drinking and studying the posters and the other customers. MICHAEL is chatting with the bartender.
MICHAEL
(Grinning.)
I always wanted to go into a bar and ask for a Molotov cocktail.
ALEX JOSEPH
(stares at him quizzically.)
A Molotov cocktail? This is a bar, not an art gallery.
MICHAEL
Never mind. How about a Mickey Finn?
ALEX JOSEPH
(smiles.)
Coming right up.
Reaches under the bar and brings out a cigarette lighter. He sets it on the counter.
MICHAEL
Uh never mind. Thanks anyway.
INT – BAR – DAY
One of the other patrons, HERMANUBIS, turns up the volume on the TV and sits down. The newscaster is THE_ONION
THE_ONION
In world news, US PRESIDENT LENYARD is hosting the Prime Minister
of Canada, DAVID HOWERY, at a state dinner. They will discuss the latest
trade agreements and what to Do about the latest actions by Confederate
president DRACONISNOIR.
In Vienna, KAISER JARED II is meeting with
Prussian Prime Minister ADAMANTEUS.
HANK FLETCHER, the Supreme Transcendent Regally
Authoritated Nobly Grand Executive of the Albanian Confederacy
of Homogenized Orientalist Organizations, is meeting with French
President NAPOLEON XIV concerning trade deals. This is the first
time the French government has agreed to consider ACHOO’s offers.
MICHAEL
Napoleon the Fourteenth? How’d they get up
to number 14 in only two hundred years?
CHRIS
The presidents serve five-year terms and are elected from
members of the Bonaparte family.
There’s never a shortage of candidates.
THE_ONION
POPE BENEDICT XVII has warned the Confederacy about a deadline
for ending slavery once and for all. And the Chinese Emperor, HENDRYK,
is making a state visit to meet with President FLOCCULENCIO of the
Socialist Republic of Hawaii.
MICHAEL
Hendryk? That’s not a Chinese name.
How’d he get to be emperor of China??
CHRIS
It’s a very long and fascinating tale.
They even made a movie about it.
MICHAEL
What’s the name of the movie?
CHRIS
A Hard Day’s Night of the Living Dead Poet’s Society.
MICHAEL
Did it win any awards?
CHRIS
No, it lost out that year to a comedy about a chicken
who chases down the fox who stole her eggs.
It’s called, Chicken Run, Lola, Run.
MICHAEL
Has the war slowed the movie industry?
CHRIS
Oh, no, not at all. The most popular movie this year is
about a music group who fights a killer rabbit.
(A beat)
It’s called, In the Heat of the Night We Called it a Day of the Lepus.
(A beat)
Another is a sci-fi thriller about a mysterious space being,
stricken with a terrible disease, who visits Earth, hoping to
find its creator. But it ends up trying to stop a terrible war.
(A beat)
MICHAEL
What’s it called?
CHRIS
Apocalypse Now, V’ger.
THE_ONION
In entertainment news, the British Prime Minister, COUNT DEARBORN,
is meeting with Alyson Hannigan, the president of Paramount Studios, about
building a new theme park, EuroParamount, in Liverpool. And Egyptian
actress CLEOPATRA is set to marry Hollywood’s favorite comic actor and
director, SCARECROW, in a ceremony to be broadcast in prime time on
America’s favorite entertainment program, The GRIMM REAPER Show.
MICHALE
Well, that’s a lot of name dropping.
CHRIS
Well there was this movie called -
EXT – BAR – DAY
ALTERNATE ARCHON, PAOLO THE LIMEY and LUAKEL are standing outside the door talking to CONFEDERATEFLY.
LUAKEL points at something in the sky. It’s a zeppelin with the Confederate Nazi flag.
LUAKEL
Look!
The others stare at the zeppelin, which is hovering above the Ypsilanti Water Tower.
CONFEDERATEFLY
They’ve made their move! We’ve got to get out of here!
And I know just where to go! We’ve been watching the
Confederate agents in town, and we think we know where their base is.
LUAKEL
I have to tell my friends! They’re in the bar!
CONFEDERATEFLY
All right, but hurry!
LUAKEL goes inside and a minute later comes back with the others. G. BONE takes out his communicator.
G.BONE
Leo! We’re at a bar, we’re safe,
but we don’t know where the others are!
LEO
Sensors indicate they’re on board
a zeppelin moving due south.
CONFEDERATEFLY
I don’t know who you’re talking to, but never mind.
If it’s due south, I think that confirms where they’re going.
MICHAEL
Where?
CONFEDERATEFLY
The Confederates have a secret base at the Floyd Collins
Caverns, in Kentucky. We only just found out about it.
It will be about a 3 hour trip. We haven’t had time to
infiltrate it we need people they won’t suspect and recognize.
MICHAEL
It’ll be heavily guarded and it’ll be impossible
for us to sneak our way in there!
CONFEDERATEFLY
No it won’t. They know we’d notice all the stuff they
were sending in to guard the place. So to
avoid suspicion, it hardly has any guards outside.
Of course, the inside will be another matter.
END ACT I
ACT II
EXT – AN AIRFIELD DAY
At one end of the airfield are a number of zeppelins. Each has a different name.
USNS TOXIC AVENGER, USNS HORRID STENCH, USNS MUTANT ZOMBIE, USNS ZOMBIE CANNIBAL, USNS EXQUISITE CORPSE, USNS WRIGGLING MAGGOTS, USNS GIGGLING MAGGOTS, USNS WRIGGLING TORSO and the USNS DREADFUL OBESITY.
ZOOM IN on shot of a zeppelin with a U.S. flag with 35 stars, lifting off from the airfield. Near the tail is the name of the zeppelin, the USNS DREADFUL OBESITY.
INT – ZEPPELIN – DAY
The AH.COM crew are sitting along a bench.
HERMANUBIS
Hey, CONFEDERATEFLY, may I ask you something?
If you’re a Confederate agent, what are
we doing on a United States vessel?
CONFEDERATEFLY
I’m a double agent. It’s all very complicated it’ll be
fodder for hundreds of movies, TV shows
and sitcoms once the war is over.
LUAKEL notices DIAMOND has been staring straight ahead, not saying a word.
LUAKEL
What’s the matter with Diamond?
HERMANUBIS
He met his alterganger.
LUAKEL
Yeah, that’d explain it.
G.BONE
Weren’t there any good caves in Michigan for the
Confederates to use? Not that I want them to, but…
HERMANUBIS
There’s only one really good cave in Michigan, Bear Cave,
in the southwestern corner of the state.
It has a long and fascinating history…
As HERMANUBIS continues talking, LUAKEL sits down next to PAOLO THE LIMEY.
LUAKEL
I thought zeppelins and blimps were a lot
more trouble to take care of than airplanes?
PAOLO THE LIMEY
That’s been discussed a lot–but that’s how we take care of
the unemployment problem. Escaped slaves and poor whites
would be out of work otherwise. And just recently we thought
of having blacks work at recycle stations for paper and plastics.
It’s menial, boring work, but it’s better than having them stand
around doing nothing.
LUAKEL
So what was with all those weirdos I met…I was
gonna go swimming, but I forgot. I met a whole
bunch of weirdos, hanging out in alleys.
CONFEDERATEFLY
Not everybody wants to do anything useful, obviously.
The government hasn’t started forcing people to work not yet.
G.BONE
How long ’til we get to those caverns?
ALTERNATE ARCHON
About two hours now. We can play charades, or
have a singalong, or watch some movies.
G.BONE
Any of it porn?
CONFEDERATEFLY
I dunno what’ll turn you on.
CONFEDERATEFLY goes to a cabinet and pulls out a random assortment of videos.
CONFEDERATEFLY
(sorting through the pile of videos)
We have a whole bunch of titles. The Runaway Bridle,
The Left Stuff, Shaving Private Ryan, Larry Potter and
the Order of the Tucson, Larry Potter and the Goblet of the
Flayer, Larry Potter and the Prisoner of the Vulva, Larry
Potter and the Hors d’oeuvre of the Phoenix. We’ve also got
Giggly, Bride of Giggly, Revenge of Giggly…
INT – SUBWAY – DAY
A guard, REDNBLACK, enters from the other side, approaches BULGAROKTONOS.
REDNBLACK
The question-and-answer room is now available.
BULGAROKTONOS (smiling)
Excellent.
He rises to his feet and points at DOCTOR WHAT.
BULGAROKTONOS
You first.
REDNBLACK
This way, please.
DOCTOR WHAT
(getting to his feet)
It’s always disconcerting when villains
use polite words like “please” and “thank you.”
REDNBLACK
I guess that’s a good thing. And I haven’t yet been
authorized to show aggression toward you, so I guess
BULGAROKTONOS
Guard! Enough chit-chat!
REDNBLACK
Sorry.
REDNBLACK leads DOCTOR WHAT into a small room, and helps DOCTOR WHAT into a chair, and carefully puts straps around DOCTOR WHAT’s elbows and ankles. BULGAROKTONOS dismisses REDNBLACK, who leaves.
DOCTOR WHAT
Tick, tick, tick…
BULGAROKTONOS
What are you doing?
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m waiting for you to say,
`Ve haf vays to make you tock.’
BULGAROKTONOS
The Confederate Congress is considering a bill for
special penalties for bad jokes. Tell me about that ship.
DOCTOR WHAT
What ship?
BULGAROKTONOS
The one in the sky!
DOCTOR WHAT
Which sky? Every world has its own sky,
although it’s really all one sky, since we’re
all in the same universe–
BULGAROKTONOS
You know what I mean! The ship we detected in the sky.
We think you have something to do with it!
DOCTOR WHAT
The ship in the sky is the constellation of Argo.
It was originally one large constellation, but
BULGAROKTONOS
Not that one! The one you came in!
DOCTOR WHAT
I didn’t come in a ship, I came via stork.
BULGAROKTONOS
There is an alien vessel in orbit! We observed your
shuttle leaving the alien vessel and you landed
in Ford Park near Ford Lake! Tell us about it!
DOCTOR WHAT
You just did.
BULGAROKTONOS
Tell us more about it! Everything!
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, on the outside it’s sorta mahogany and
orange, and the logo is painted on with
BULGAROKTONOS (screaming)
Not that!
REDNBLACK comes into the room.
REDNBLACK
Are you all right, sir?
BULGAROKTONOS
I’m fine. He’s using psychology on me.
Take him back and bring JUSTJULIE in here!
EXT – FLOYD COLLINS CAVERNS – DAY
The zeppelin OBESITY is just coming to a landing. CONFEDERATEFLY leads the others off and they stand in a circle, staring at the unguarded entrance to the caverns.
DAVE HOWERY
Confederatefly was right. It’ll be easy to get in.
At that moment, guards pour out of the cavern entrance and a firefight ensues. Fortunately the AH.COM crew, CONFEDERATEFLY, ALTERNATE ARCHON and PAOLO THE LIMEY all survive.
INT. – CAVERNS – DAY
CONFEDERATEFLY leads them into a large cavern, light from fluroescent lights in the ceiling.
INT – SUBWAY – DAY
As soon as REDNBLACK appears, GBW fakes an epileptic seizure and doesn’t respond when REDNBLACK nudges him, pokes him, and swats him with the butt of his pistol.
HERMANUBIS
(sotto voce)
I wish I’d thought of that one.
G.BONE
(raises hand)
Take me! Take me!
REDNBLACK
All right, you! Come!
G.BONE
(angry, to himself)
Never. Never use reverse psychology.
REDNBLACK
That’s the first thing they teach us about in
LANDSHARK swings a knife out at REDNBLACK, who leans forward, dodging the blow, but IRONYUPPIE hurls her yo-yo. One of the other guards fires and hits JUSTJULIE, who keels over. Other guards rush into the fray, but it’s too late. The subway screeches to a halt and the doors swing open. Guards rush in and take them outside the subway. In the distance they can see the entrance to some caverns.
EXT- KENTUCKY – ENTRANCE TO THE FLOYD COLLINS CAVERNS – DAY
BULGAROKTONOS is standing on the ground outside. The prisoners are being hustled out of the doorway. Nearby is a trolley, on a set of tracks which lead into the caverns.
BULGAROKTONOS
Put them on the trolley!
INT – CAVERNS – DAY
The cavern is lit with fluorescent light bulbs on the ceiling. They are arranged in the shape of a series of swastikas. The walls of the cavern have posters praising the Confederacy. Between each poster is a tall, dark handsome machine with pretty blinking lights and dials of all different colors. Each of the machines has a Confederate soldier sitting in front of it, staring at the blinking lights.
The prisoners are seated in a row on large steel chairs, their hands and feet tied to the arms of the chairs.
BULGAROKTONOS
(dramatically)
I shall return.
The guards lift their rifles and glare at the prisoners.
INT. – CAVERNS – DAY
CONFEDERATEFLY leads the AH.COMmers into a large cavern. Light comes from Fluorescent lights in the ceiling, arranged in a series of swastikas.
CONFEDERATEFLY
These caves date back over 300 million years,
and they are mostly unexplored. From what our
informants told us, the Nazi Confederates had help
from an ancient civilization which lay
preserved in these caverns–
A gunshot rings out behind them. They turn and stare. At the entrance to a tunnel stands a large black man in a sleeveless brown tunic, short brown pants and heavy combat boots. He is holding a huge machine gun and has suspenders holding rows of large bullets. Behind him are a number of other black soldiers in identical outfits, holding large machine guns.
SPARTAN
My posse watched your zeppelin land here and we
killed the guards and followed you in. We’re going
to take over the Atlantean super science and use it t
o wreak vengeance on all our enemies
Before anybody has a chance to respond, CLOUDY VORTEX appears in another tunnel entrance. He is naked, but non-chalant.
CLOUDY VORTEX
Hi there! What’s going on?
DOCTOR WHAT
Cloudy Vortex! How’d you get here?
Weren’t you killed in the tower?
CLOUDY VORTEX
I got better. The dinosaurs’ medicine is
really amazing. Did I miss anything?
LANDSHARK
What dinosaurs??
Nobody notices LANDSHARK’s comment as, from another tunnel AGENTDARK appears with another group of soldiers. They all wear identical uniforms–blue shirts with red pants, and lavender jackets, with red, white and blue swastikas on the sleeves.
AGENTDARK
We’re the Confederate Autonomy Party. We want an end to
the war. Even now, our agents are taking over the Confederate
Government Buildings in Atlanta, Birmingham, Little Rock
and Raleigh. Lay down your weapons!
A rock falls from a hole high in one wall, and more soldiers with guns come climbing down. Their uniforms are red and black checkered uniforms with red and black checkered boots. The last to enter the chamber is MR. BONDOC. His uniform is also white, but with many colorful ribbons stenciled on his jacket.
MR. BONDOC
I am here to take over the Atlantean artifacts and bring
in more non-whites to do the Master Race’s bidding!
A section of floor explodes upward, creating a hole just big enough for more soldiers to climb into the chamber. They are wearing identical red and black checkered uniforms with red and black checkered boots, helmets and gloves. Their guns are also checkered red and black. Their leader is NATIONAL SOCIALIST.
NATIONAL SOCIALIST
We are here to use the Atlantean Science to rid the
world of those who are not blond and blue-eyed!
MICHAEL
You aren’t blond or blue-eyed.
NATIONAL SOCIALIST
I’ll get gene therapy! I promise!
From an opposite tunnel BULGAROKTONOS re-appears with another group of soldiers.
BULGAROKTONOS
You are all under arrest. Lay down your–
SPARTAN
New Africa shall rise and enslave the white–
AGENTDARK fires at SPARTAN, who keels over, and a firefight ensues. This time the AH.COM crew join in. Practically everybody fires at everybody else, and after a while everybody runs out of bullets. SPARTAN, AGENTDARK and most of their soldiers lie dead. Those who didn’t get killed, have run away. MR._BONDOC and NATIONAL SOCIALIST throw down their guns and begin wrestling.
BULGAROKTONOS and DOCTOR WHAT face each other.
BULGAROKTONOS
So, we are about to fight. Man to man?
DOCTOR WHAT (Grins.)
Might as well. I don’t have anything better to do.
BULGAROKTONOS
You’re not as smart as I look!
DOCTOR WHAT fires at BULGAROKTONOS. A bright flash appears in front of BULGAROKTONOS, who laughs.
BULGAROKTONOS
Body armor, kid. Thanks to the dinosaurs.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well. I’ll remember that
BULGAROKTONOS
That all you got?
BULGAROKTONOS starts to say something else, but behind him, there is a commotion. BULGAROKTONOS turns around and watches as sentient dinosaurs emerge from a tunnel entrance, trotting in unison. It takes over a minute for them to all file into the cavern, lining up against the walls. They wear identical tunics.
LUAKEL
(sotto voce, to DOCTOR WHAT; grinning)
The dinosaurs aren’t wearing pants!
DOCTOR WHAT (sotto voce)
Shh! And no, that’s not the least bit arousing!
BULGAROKTONOS
It is a pleasure to see you all here, for our interrogation. We have
some new techniques we learned from the dinosaurs! Yes, it is just
as so many have thought. The dinosaur civilization was indeed wiped
out by a small asteroid. But just before it hit, the dinosaurs hid their best
and brightest in hibernation units inside these caves, hoping they would
survive. Now that the dinosaurs have helped us to take over the North’s
Underground Railroad and expand it, we can win this war! And then we
shall extend our domain over the entire globe! Ha, ha, ha, ha, hahahaha!
One of the dinosaurs has left the line and stands in front of BULGAROKTONOS.
DINOSAUR
That is not congruent with our intent
(Points his gun at BULGAROKTONOS) .
BULGAROKTONOS (shocked.)
What? You’re on our side!
DINOSAUR
Side? We do not know this concept of side in a war.
Only in geometry. Side? We only use your information
for our own purposes. Now you bring in new items
for our perusal before we are prepared. We do not like
this. It is time the situation is simplified.
DOCTOR WHAT aims his gun to the floor under BULGAROKTONOS. The energy discharge blows a hole in the chamber floor. BULGAROKTONOS falls through the hole, into the cavern below. DOCTOR WHAT points his gun up and shoots the stalactite on the ceiling above the pit. It falls into the pit, sealing it neatly. Muffled screams and curses can be heard from the pit.
NATIONAL SOCIALIST and MR. BONDOC stop wrestling to catch their breath.
MR._BONDOC gets to his feet and attempts to lift NATIONAL SOCIALIST, who suddenly throws a punch, which MR._BONDOC dodges. They run at each other, whirl each other around, step back and forth, swinging each other around, bump each other’s chests, then step away from each other but still holding each other’s hands, they edge closer to a nearby pit, finally losing their balance. Both fall into the pit.
DINOSAUR
Were they dancing?
DOCTOR WHAT
Um. Yeah. Okay. Sure. They were dancing. They
were. Really. They were. We’d like to go now.
We’d be glad to let you dinosaurs deal with the
North and South. All we want is to trade you
porn and liquor for some of your guns.
LANDSHARK
I’m curious to know what dinosaur porn is like?
DINOSAUR
We will discuss trade after
our Investigator has returned.
DOCTOR WHAT
What Investigator?
INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM -DAY
Alarm bells have gone off. GREY WOLF is still in the captain’s chair.
GREY WOLF
What’s going on?
DAVE HOWERY (v.o.; through the intercom)
You guys won’t believe this,
but there’s a dinosaur here!
LEO
It appears he came in via a teleporter.
Or maybe a wormhole. We must do
something to protect me immediately!
GREY WOLF
What about the ship?
LEO
Le ship c’est moi. Apres moi le deluge.
E pluribus unum.
GREY WOLF
Quick! Everybody go to the
engineering section and
start shooting!
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
WEAPONM, MATT, DMA, TORQUMADA, KIT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and THANDE rush into the engineering room and stop to stare at the dinosaur, who is at a console punching away at the buttons and staring at the display screens.
MATT
I don’t believe it! A dinosaur
has joined the CF.NET crew!
WEAPONM
Give it everything you’ve got!
They all begin firing their weapons at the dinosaur, who seems unperturbed. Sparkles of light appear in midair near him, suggesting a spherical force-field shield protecting him. THANDE throws a stench bomb at the intruder. It doesn’t bother the intruder, but fills the engineering section with heavy smoke.
DMA
Can you do something about the smell?
THANDE
Sure.
THANDE pulls something out of his pocket, pulls the pin and tosses it into the air. It explodes, filling the air with the scent of morning dew.
THANDE
(smiling)
Air freshener.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Any more ideas?
DMA
Where’s Bobo?
TORQUMADA
Taking a nap. But I have something almost as good.
I’ve been developing a genetically engineered centipede.
TORQUMADA opens a pocket and a centipede two feet long slithers most of the way out, bobs its head around, sniffs the air, notices the dinosaur and squeals. It slithers out of TORQUMADA’s pocket, squealing quietly as it rushes out the door and into the corridor.
INT – CORRIDOR – DAY
The centipede skitters at full speed in the direction of TORQUMADA’s lair.
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
TORQUMADA
(disappointed)
Still needs work.
GREY WOLF
What’s the intruder doing now?
DAVE HOWERY
He’s studying all the control systems!
Poking at all the panels!
GREY WOLF
Is he wearing the CF.NET uniform?
DAVE HOWERY
No, I don’t think he’s one of them.
GREY WOLF
Does he look like a raptor,
a hadrosaur or a troodon?
DAVE HOWERY
More like a Troodon, I think.
Does a troodon have a funky Mohawk?
GREY WOLF
I don’t remember.
LEO
In order to secure my systems, I have instituted
a new password. In order to access my systems,
the dinosaur will have to sing “A Hundred Bottles
of Beer on the Wall.” All the way through,
without mistakes.
DAVE HOWERY
(sighing.)
Oh, that’ll work.
The dinosaur makes screeching noises to itself as it works on the control panel. DAVE HOWERY sneaks up on it, but is flattened by a swish of the dinosaur’s tail. He backs away.
INT – HYDROPONICS BAY- DAY
EVOLVED_SAURIAN, who looks very much like the dinosaur intruder, is strolling among the ferns. He suddenly stops, and turns up his snout. His nostrils twitch, as if he is smelling something. He tilts his head, as if listening to something.
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
The dinosaur begins humming, and finally singing, in a rough baritone.
DINOSAUR
A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles of beer…
DAVE HOWERY
That damn dirty reptile!
He’s figured out the password!
What are you going to do?
LEO
He’s bound to make a mistake…
EXT- AH.COM SHIP – DAY
The ship continues in orbit a few seconds, as if a long time were passing.
DINOSAUR
…ten bottles of beer on the wall, ten bottles of beer.
If one of those bottles should happen to
fall…
LEO
I’ve just launched a new password. He
will now have to tapdance while singing it.
INT – HYDROPONICS BAY- DAY
EVOLVED_SAURIAN is now listening intently, concentrating.
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
The dinosaur continues working at the controls, and begins the song again, this time tap-dancing.
DINOSAUR
A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles of beer…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay, genius, what now?
LEO
Let’s see how far into it he gets.
EXT – AH.COM SHIP – DAY
The ship continues orbiting for half a minute.
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
The dinosaur is still tap-dancing as it works on the console.
DINOSAUR
…nine bottles of beer on the wall, nine bottles of beer…
DAVE HOWERY
Got any better ideas?
LEO
Now the intruder will have to tapdance while patting
its head and rubbing its stomach, while singing that song.
DAVE HOWERY
Good luck.
EXT – AH.COM SHIP – DAY
The ship orbits a few more times.
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
The dinosaur is tapdancing, patting its head and rubbing its stomach, and singing.
DINOSAUR
…eight bottles of beer on the wall, eight bottles of beer…
LEO
Don’t say it. I know. I just changed the password again.
Now it will have to tapdance, pat its head, rub its stomach,
and sing it backward.
EXT – AH.COM SHIP – DAY
The ship orbits a few more times.
DINOSAUR
…wall the on beer of bottles ninety…
DAVE HOWERY
(glaring at the ceiling)
Got any more bright ideas?
INT – SHIP’S HYDROPONICS – DAY
EVOLVED_SAURIAN straightens, sniffing the air. He goes to his door, which swooshes open, and steps out into the corridor. He walks slowly along the corridor, his nostrils flaring, as if he is following a scent.
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
LEO (V.O.)
Now he has to sing that song backward, while patting
his head and rubbing his stomach, tapdancing, and
wiggling the toes of each foot left to right.
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
The dinosaur is now doing exactly what LEO described.
DINOSAUR
…ninety-nine, wall the on beer of bottles…
INT – CORRIDOR – DAY
EVOLVED_SAURIAN is walking along the corridor, following a scent.
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
LEO (V.O.)
Now the dinosaur must sing it backward, patting
his head and rubbing his stomach, tapdancing,
wiggling his toes left to right, and do backflips every five seconds.
The dinosaur begins doing exactly what LEO described.
DINOSAUR
…ninety-nine, wall the on beer of bottles…
DAVE HOWERY stands huddled against the wall, watching, trying not to cry.
INT – CORRIDOR – DAY
EVOLVED_SAURIAN continues following the scent, oblivious to others he passes.
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
LEO (V.O.)
Now I’ve added a new condition to the others he must sing it in Pig Latin.
EXT – AH.COM SHIP ORBITING – DAY
Several angles on the exterior of the ship, showing passage of time on the planet below.
DINOSAUR
…inetynay, allway ethay onay eerbay ofay ottlesay…
LEO (V.O.)
Okay, one more try along with what I added before,
instead of Pig Latin, it has to be ancient Sumerian.
INT – CORRIDOR – DAY
EVOLVED_SAURIAN continues along the corridor.
INT – ENGINEERING SECTION – DAY
DINOSAUR
…kas ugu egar kas ugu egar, u dili e du ung shub …
DAVE HOWERY
(screaming)
HOW DOES HE KNOW ANCIENT SUMERIAN??!!
LEO
He must have had access to modern archaeologists’
researches from this timeline. So now it has
to be Ancient Sumerian Pig Latin.
The dinosaur doesn’t miss a beat.
DINOSAUR
…askay uguay egaray askay…
DAVE HOWERY lies face down on the floor, slowly punching the back of his head.
EVOLVED_SAURIAN wanders into the engineering section.
Astonished, the two dinos halt in midstride and look each other in the eye.
CLOSEUP- EVOLVED_SAURIAN.
EVOLVED_SAURIAN
Gort! Klaatu barada nikto!
CLOSEUP – DINOSAUR
DINOSAUR
Gan ta nu i ka tan ru!
LONG VIEW – EVOLVED SAURIAN and DINOSAUR
EVOLVED_SAURIAN and DINOSAUR (together)
Tan ru!
DINOSAUR
Frola veer! Hulak odala! Gegen! Tarik ergin ayala!
EVOLVED_SAURIAN
Cura! Tehsmaer wilat Kiteo! Ai’emain!
DINOSAUR
Argolin! Txotx Iorana!
EVOLVED_SAURIAN
Nyuntu-ngu! Nanu-nanu!
DINOSAUR
Pao! Uqbar tlon! Lindor-burume! Jetan!
EVOLVED_SAURIAN
B’hala aru’koj! Siqul!
DINOSAUR
A bheil sórd math oirbh an diugh!
EVOLVED_SAURIAN
Ni sinn sgrçob suas ris a’ chladach!
EVOLVED_SAURIAN is making gestures at the crew and the two dinosaurs begin tapping each other’s elbows, tapping tails and waggling their tongues at each other. Finally the intruder DINOSAUR leads EVOLVED_SAURIAN to the wormhole portal, they both step through, and the portal vanishes.
DAVE HOWERY
What the whatever just happened?
LEO
From what I was able to discern, they are altergangers.
AH versions of each other. They exchanged contact
information and they have departed, as you can plainly see.
The crisis is over.
DAVE HOWERY
And not because of your changing the password.
LEO
It doesn’t matter to me.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Anybody else think, the way they were waggling
their tongues at each other, looked a little bit gay?
END ACT II
TAG
EXT – A CAFê IN DOWNTOWN YPSILANTI – EVENING
This is an old-fashioned outdoor cafe. The sign above the double doors reads TOUCHING THE TEACUPS. The street is quiet, there are no soldiers in evidence. Couples are seated at various ironwork tables with glass tops. Waiters are waiting by the double doors or strolling among the tables.
At one table, CLOUDY VORTEX is sitting across from JENNA, each having a small salad and a fruity drink of some kind.
JENNA
That’s a really impressive story!
CLOUDY VORTEX
And all true, too. Who knows where those space
travelers have gone now, or what the dinosaurs
will do now that the whole world knows about them.
JENNA
Just one thing puzzles me. Why
did the dinosaurs care to revive you?
CLOUDY VORTEX
I think…I guess they saw a chance to snatch my
body without anybody seeing them and I vaguely
remember having my brain scanned, or something…
being questioned about myself–maybe, if they
couldn’t revive me at least they’d have one more
human to study anatomy on…and since I survived
maybe they…wanted to practice their medical skills
learn everything they could about humans…?
JENNA (shudders)
Sounds creepy. Who knows what they’ll be up to next?
CLOUDY VORTEX
I dunno. Maybe they have some special mission for me…
CAMERA swings away from the cafÇ, around a corner, into some shrubbery, where a DINOSAUR is watching. The DINOSAUR nods its head approvingly, and whispers into a communications device…
FADE OUT
INT – IRON YUPPIE’S QUARTERS – EVENING
LANDSHARK
I can’t wait to see this dinosaur porn they gave us!
IRON YUPPIE
It better have some good ideas for us to use.
CLOSEUP- IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK on the couch, the only light in the room coming from the TV set.
Both stare at the screen, and gasp. Their reactions then shift in unison, from astonishment to disgust, humor, shock, surprise, embarassment, agitation, disbelief, wonder, irritation, uneasiness, boredom, annoyance, awe, confusion…
INT – AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM – EVENING –
Everybody is lying or sitting in chairs or on the floor, drinking and/or smoking, as DOCTOR WHAT settles into his chair, closes his eyes and takes a drink from a large brown bottle.
DOCTOR WHAT
That sure was fun.
GBONE
BULLOCKS!
LEO CAESIUS
Bullocks refers to a bull or cow. I assume you
meant to refer to bollocks, which are testicles and
is a common exclamation in times of crisis.
LUAKEL (giggling)
Hey, everybody, how many bollocks
does it take to change a light bulb?
INT – TORQUMADA’S LAIR – EVENING
CAMERA shows LUAKEL, face down, tied with leather straps to a wicker chair which is hanging upside-down from the ceiling. CAMERA pulls back to show that beneath LUAKEL is a wire platform holding a series of giant hypodermic needles filled with bubbling, fuming liquids of various colors.
LUAKEL
It was just a joke! A pun! But a good one! How many bollocks–
TORQUEMADA
How interesting. As for me, I’ve been developing novel means
of injecting experimental fluids. And did you know that finger
and toe nails are actually a modified form of hair? I’ve been wanting
to do experiments with growing hair under the nails. And also
something with hairy teeth. And hair inside the stomach. And
hairy taste buds. And…
FADE OUT.
LUAKEL (V.O.)
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
INT – CONTROL ROOM – EVENING
OTHNIEL
Do I still need to hold onto this wire?
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
