TEASER
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF enter the Mess Hall .DOC is carrying a large white box, he sets it down upon a table.
GREY WOLF
I still say this will not end well.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, now, Grey.
Let’s not be so pessimistic.
GREY WOLF
You don’t know these guys.
DOCTOR WHAT
Pfft. Going on several years now, sadly.
GREY WOLF
You don’t know how they get…
when they see this.
(gestures toward the box)
DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t be too bad.
I mean I’ve seen them at strip clubs.
GREY WOLF
This will be far worse.
DOCTOR WHAT
I still say you’re being overly pessimistic
about the reaction of the crew. They’re
basically good guys, I’m sure they won’t
be as bad as you’re saying.
GREY WOLF
Oh, I’m not being pessimistic about them.
I know how they’re react.
There will be blood.
And there will be screaming.
Girlish high pitched screaming.
DOCTOR WHAT
Thande like screaming?
GREY WOLF
Michael duck seeing screaming.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh…
(beat)
Um…
(beat)
But I already spent the money.
There’s no refunds.
GREY WOLF
(shrugs)
Aw. Well.
I hear it’s happy hour in the pub tonight.
DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get liquored up, then.
The two men walk off, leaving behind the white box.
Pan toward the box, we see a stylized baker sitting a top a doughnut.
Pan toward a vent.
INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY
PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DIAMOND are walking down the corridor.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Please?
DIAMOND
No.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Please?
DIAMOND
Fuck no.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Please?
DIAMOND
Go to hell no.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m not asking for a lot.
DIAMOND
What part of no did you not understand?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
PLLLLEEEEEEAAASSEEEEEEE!!!!
DIAMOND
There’s one thing Mama Diamond taught me,
Never lend money to Orthodox Sheepist scum.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
She really taught you that?
DIAMOND
More or less…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN drops to his knees.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
PPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSE.
DIAMOND
No.
DIAMOND walks off.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it.
INT. – OUTSIDE MESS HALL – DAY
DIAMOND is walking by the mess hall, suddenly there’s a clatter of chairs hitting the floor and something snarling and slurping coming from the Mess Hall. DIAMOND pauses and peeks into the Mess Hall.
DMA is crouched atop a table, shoving doughnuts into his mouth, snarling and slurping as he does so.
DIAMOND
Dude… What the fuck-
(eyes widen)
Are those doughnuts?
DMA
MINE!
DIAMOND
Who bought doughnuts?
DMA
MINE!
(hisses)
DIAMOND
Come one, dude.
Give me one.
(reaches for box)
DMA hisses and snaps at DIAMOND’s outstretched hand.
DMA
BEGONE!
DIAMOND
Oh, you sonvabitch!
DIAMOND pulls out a baseball bat.
DIAMOND
Come on, Aussie!
Let’s dance!
DMA pulls out a Cricket bat and hops off the table, still hissing and snarling.
DIAMOND
Once I kick your ass, I’ll eat those doughnuts.
DMA
MINE!!!
DIAMOND
Better yet, I’ll have sex with them
and then throw them in the trash!
DMA throws himself at DIAMOND.
Suddenly the doors to the Mess Hall burst open, nearly torn off their hinges. DAVE HOWERY is standing their, panting heavily.
DAVE HOWERY
Doughnuts?
Did I smell doughnuts?
DIAMOND/DMA
MINE!!!
DAVE HOWERY
MINE!!!
His chainsaw roars to life.
Pull out, we see DAVE HOWERY, DIAMOND, and DMA standing glaring at one another. Then they charge.
Cut to:
INT. – MESS HALL – DAY
LATER
LAUKEL peeks into the Mess Hall, stands there for a minute.
LUAKEL
OOO, doughnuts.
He walks over to the table, picks up the box, and walks out.
Pan to the floor of the Mess Hall.
DIAMOND, DAVE HOWERY, and DMA are lying upon the floor, groaning and bleeding.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN enters the Mess Hall.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Holy crap.
(reaches for comm)
Tor-
(pause)
(grins)
PSYCHOMETLDOWN wanders over to where the three men are lying. He rolls DIAMOND over and from his back pocket pulls
out a wallet. He flips through it, tossing aside pictures, receipts, movie stubs, and various other things, then pockets the cash. He does the same to DMA and DAVE HOWERY.
Whistling he leaves the Mess Hall.
DMA
miii….nnneee….
(groans)
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“DOUGHBOYS”
Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN
ACT I
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S READY ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF are sitting in a pair of chairs, sipping tea.
DOCTOR WHAT
Guess you were right.
GREY WOLF
DMA, Dave, and Diamond
are all in the med bay.
DOCTOR WHAT
I just got it.
Triple D’s.
(grins)
Y’know like the bra size?
GREY WOLF
I see…
DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
They’re out for at least a week.
A pity. I had a nice mission planned too.
GREY WOLF
I’ll assume our stay in the Hub will be extended?
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah.
GREY WOLF sets aside his cup of tea.
GREY WOLF
Excellent.
(pulls out bottle from coat pocket)
Drink?
DOCTOR WHAT
I only served you tea.
Mine is just scotch.
(beat)
It’s my tenth cup today…
GREY WOLF
I’m sure the crew will be thrilled with this turn of events.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, at least Dave’s out of the picture for a while.
Man, he’s be acting up since he’s getting laid frequently.
GREY WOLF
Having sex will do that to a man.
DOCTOR WHAT
I preferred him as the sexually frustrated crewmember,
he fit in nicely with everyone else.
GREY WOLF
How is Keira taking the news of Dave’s injuries.
DOCTOR WHAT
(draining cup)
Thande’s been comforting her?
GREY WOLF raises an eyebrow.
INT. – DAVE’S QUARTERS – DAY
KEIRA KNIGHTLY is sobbing while sitting on the edge of her bed. THANDE is beside her, patting her back.
THANDE
Now, now, I’m sure Dave will be alright.
There’s nothing to sob about.
Why don’t you slip into something more revealing?
INT. – HUB -BURGER JOINT– DAY
ALT. LUAKEL and CHINGO are looking both shamed faced and near tears, lips trembling and heads cast down. Towering over them is a red faced CCA.
CCA
Incompetent!
Idiotic!
Fucking disastrous!
CHINGO
I… I’m-
CCA
You’re fired!
The two of you!
ALT. LUAKEL
But… But…
CCA
OUT!!!!
The two take off their hats and aprons and shuffle out of the Burger Joint, CCA still fuming behind them.
CHINGO
Next time, just go to the restroom.
ALT. LUAKEL
I just thought it would be funny.
CHINGO
Yeah. Real funny.
Dumbass.
The shuffle off into the crowds of the Hub.
EXT. – HUB – STREET – DAY
MICHAEL and FLOCCULENCIO are walking down the street, discussing something.
MICHAEL
I tell you, old boy, it’ll be a smashing roaring success.
FLOCCULENCIO
Well, considering the state of affairs lately,
I doubt we’ll be doing anything of the sort.
MICHAEL
Don’t let past failures crush all your optimism, you’ve
gotta be looking at the bright side of things, mate.
FLOCCULENCIO
Are you drunk?
MICHAEL
Maybe.
FLOCCULENCIO
Excellent, because I am also.
(takes a sip from flask)
MICHAEL
Huzzah.
Let’s celebrate by eating.
FLOCCULENCIO
You read my mind, you Aussie bastard.
They both laugh as they push open a door and enter a restaurant.
They both suddenly come to stop.
MICHAEL
Did we just take a wrong turn somewhere, mate?
FLOCCULENCIO
Hell if I know.
Do I look like I have GPS?
MICHAEL
Why don’t you use those keen Indian tracking skills of yours.
FLOCCULENCIO
I do think you’re speaking of Psycho.
MICHAEL
No. I’m thinking of the Parthian.
FLOCCULENCIO
I don’t believe they were from India.
MICHAEL
Shows that your own timeline didn’t have Parthian Indians.
FLOCCULENCIO
We had a chain of international curry cuisine.
VOICE
Welcome!
Welcome to DEARBORN BAKERY!
I’m Count Dearborn and I only sell the best pastries
and baked goods from ten thousand universes.
MICHAEL
Bloody good, mate, but what happened to the
strip club that served the noon time buffet?
COUNT DEARBORN
Went outta business.
FLOCCULENCIO
Bugger. I knew I should have made
you pay and not share off my plate.
MICHAEL
Well this is a depressing turn of events.
FLOCCULENCIO
I wanted my deep fried whatever while
watching naked women bounce up and down.
MICHAEL
Me too, mate. Me too.
COUNT DEARBORN
Well, are you interested in some baked goods?
I serve only the best many universe have to offer.
MICHAEL
Does it have anything intoxicating, hallucinogenic,
or mind altering in anyway in them?
COUNT DEARBORN
No.
MICHAEL
Bugger.
FLOCCULENCIO
I will have to admit, that the smell is rather appetizing.
COUNT DEARBORN
Hey, Chingo. Help these guys out would ya?
CHINGO walks up to the counter smiling brightly. We can see ALT. LUAKEL in the back ground kneading dough and looking unhappy about it.
MICHAEL
Oy, that the guy who fondled
you so lovingly the other week?
FLOCCULENCIO
Don’t remind me, I still have dreams of it.
MICHAEL
The non-heterosexual ones?
FLOCCULENCIO
(shamed faced)
Yes.
EXT. – STREET – DAY
MICHAEL and FLOCCULENCIO exit the bakery carrying a rather large box.
MICHAEL
You know I’ll pay you back.
FLOCCULENCIO
That’s what you said last time.
MICHAEL
You know I’m good for it.
Remember that time I saved your life?
I never asked for anything for that.
FLOCCULENCIO
You pushed me in front of a car
and then pulled me back.
MICHAEL
See. I never did ask for a reward.
I’m that much of a good friend.
FLOCCULENCIO
At least give me one.
MICHAEL
Buy your own doughnuts,
damned layabout.
FLOCCULENCIO
Say, there’s Psycho.
MICHAEL
And that should impress me how?
FLOCCULENCIO
Well, considering he’s out off the ship and
actually walking, rather than lying in bed
and making an effort to look like Jaba the Hut.
MICHAEL
He does seem to be rather happy today.
FLOCCULENCIO
It does make one sick, no?
MICHAEL
Yes. Yes it does.
(glares)
Hey!
(Psycho keeps walking)
I said HEY!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN stops, grins, and waves to FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, guys.
How’s it going?
MICHAEL
Why the hell are you so bloody happy?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Me? Happy?
(grins)
I’m not happy.
FLOCCULENCIO
(horrified)
Make him stop, Michael!
Make him stop!
MICHAEL grabs a rough dressed man walking by.
MICHAEL
You.
I’ll give you three dollars to kick that
(points to Psychomeltdown)
guys’ arse.
DISHELVED MAN
I.. I don’t understand.
MICHAEL
You don’t understand?
Must I draw you a diagram?
DISHELVED MAN
I.. I don’t understand.
MICHAEL
Flocc. Give me a piece of paper and a pencil.
FLOCCULENCIO
What makes you think I have paper and pencil?
MICHAEL
(surprised)
What you don’t?
DISHELVED MAN
I.. I don’t understand.
FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, he’s getting away.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN wanders off, lost amongst the crowds of the Hub.
MICHAEL
Damn.
There will be a reckoning, Psycho!
Yes there will!!!
(stops suddenly)
Oy! Get away from my doughnuts!
(chases Disheveled Man off)
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY
We see DMA, DAVE HOWERY, and DIAMOND lying in beds. Suddenly DAVE HOWERY’s eyes open up. He looks around and gets up, lumbering out of the door. Moments later DIAMOND gets up and follows. DMA rolls onto his side and begins snoring, clutching a large stuffed koala bear.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL are walking down the corridor.
MICHAEL
There is only so much one man can ingest.
One’d think that they would drop to the
floor squealing at some point.
FLOCCULENCIO
This is Hendryk we’re talking about, you know.
MICHAEL
I-
From around a bend, DAVE HOWERY stands blocking their way.
FLOCCULENCIO
I don’t think that’s a welcoming expression.
MICHAEL
Do we owe him money or something?
FLOCCULENCIO
We?
MICHAEL
You?
FLOCCULENCIO
I may have borrowed a few now and again…
MICHAEL
Have you been posting on those online forums as Dave again?
FLOCCULENCIO
On occasion. But I doubt he knew about those.
The two turn around quickly heading down the opposite direction.
From around a bed, DIAMOND suddenly appears, blocking tier way.
FLOCCULENCIO
Well this is becoming slightly unnerving.
MICHAEL
His lack of pants only makes it worse.
FLOCCULENCIO
I think they want your doughnuts.
MICHAEL
How do you know that?
FLOCCULENCIO
Why else would Dave and
Diamond get off their lazy arses?
MICHAEL
Good point.
FLOCCULENCIO
Generally at this point, the intrepid hero runs for his life.
MICHAEL
What does that mean?
FLOCCULENCIO runs, dodging past DIAMOND’s lumbering attempt to grab at him.
DAVE HOWERY charges down from the opposite end, coming right at MICHAEL.
MICHAEL
Well if he can do it…
(runs at Diamond)
Tight on DIAMOND’s snarling face.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
DAVE HOWERY and DIAMOND are sitting upon the floor of the corridor, contently eating the box of doughnuts. MICHAEL lies upon the floor, not far away, unconscious, every now and then he gives a twitch or spasm.
DAVE HOWERY
See we can be civilized about this.
DIAMOND
Yeah. Who says we can’t?
They both reach for the last glazed doughnut.
Split screen, tight shot on DIAMOND’s eyes and DAVE HOWERY’s eyes.
DAVE/DIAMOND
MINE!!!
Cut to:
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LOUNGE – DAY
MICHAEL is lying unconscious upon a couch. FLOCCULENCIO leans over and slaps him roughly.
FLOCCULENCIO
Wakey, wakey, now.
No resting on the job, boyo.
MICHAEL
(sputtering)
What? Where? How?
FLOCCULENCIO
You missed dinner and Dave and Diamond nearly ate you.
MICHAEL
(groaning)
What?
FLOCCULENCIO pulls up one of MICHAEL’s sleeves and we see a bite mark.
FLOCCULENCIO
Best wash that; don’t know what’s been in Dave’s mouth these days.
MICHAEL
Luakel?
They both laugh.
MICHAEL
Damn it!
Those two will pay for this!
They’ll pay
FLOCCULENCIO
Y’wanna head to the pub, my treat.
MICHAEL
Well revenge can wait.
It’s best served cold anyway.
FLOCCULENCIO
Just like Jello.
MICHAEL
Bugger Jello, that gelatin concoction
has been a bane on my life.
FLOCCULENCIO
What hasn’t been a bane on your life?
MICHAEL
Toilet paper?
FLOCCULENCIO
I recall a certain…
Fade out:
EXT – HUB – STREET – NIGHTISH
We hear a panting and gasping, the sound of feet running upon asphalt. It’s down a dark alleyway, we see two figures running flat out.
It’s ALT. LUAKEL and CHINGO.
CHINGO
Run!
ALT. LUAKEL
What the hell do you think I’m doing???
CHINGO
Run!
The two dodge behind a trash can, panting heavily.
ALT. LUAKEL
I think we lost it.
CHINGO
What the hell was it?
ALT. LUAKEL
I saw fang, I saw scary monster eyes,
I pissed myself and ran.
I didn’t stay around to chat.
CHINGO
Well, we best call Hub Security, this could
be something loose on the population.
ALT. LUAKEL
You can call Hub security.
I for on-
There’s a scraping hissing noise that fills the air.
Reaction shot: horror fill the faces of ALT. LAUKEL and CHINGO.
There’s a cut off scream and everything goes dark.
EXT. – HUB – STREET – NIGHTISH
FLOCCULENCIO and MICHAEL are walking down an empty Hub street.
MICHAEL
Damn it. I’m hungry!
FLOCCULENCIO
My guess is you shouldn’t have been such a weakling
and taken on Dave and Diamond. At least fought back
instead of curling into a ball and pretending you were dead.
MICHAEL
You try fighting back when you’ve got
a pantless psycho lumbering at you.
FLOCCULENCIO
Talking about psychos…
FLOCCULENCIO points to a store where they see PSYCHOMELTDOWN sitting at a table having dinner.
The two walk over and begin banging on the glass.
MICHAEL
Hey, ease down on that pudding! You’ll choke!
FLOCCULENCIO
Never seen a guy lick his plate clean before!
MICHAEL
Give us money of we’ll sodomize you!
FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah, give us money or Michael will sodomize you!
A man bursts out from the restaurant.
MAN
Hey, stop harassing Psycho! He’s my best customer.
He’s putting my kids through college!
MICHAEL
(shocked)
Is this guy defending Psycho?
FLOCCULENCIO
(flabbergasted)
I think he is.
MICHAEL
(still shocked)
Have we fallen into a twilight zone?
FLOCCULENCIO
(still flabbergasted)
I think we have…
MAN
Now get the hell outta here before I call security!
They both begin running away.
Suddenly there’s a growling noise that fills the air.
The two men turn to see something coming their way.
MICHAEL
This is very not cool.
FLOCCULENCIO
I’m still a virgin!
(screams)
The massive shadow envelopes them,
Fade to black.
EXT. – STREET – NIGHTISH
PSYCHOMELTDOWN is walking down the street, smiling happily to himself and rubbing his belly.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, my belly is full.
Oh, my belly is full.
Oh, my bell is fuuuuuulllllllll!!!
There’s a clattering of bottles that causes him to stop for a moment, looking around.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, anyone out there?
Hello?
Nothing.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN continues walking again, humming to himself.
There’s another clatter of bottles, PSYCHOMETLDOWN stops and turns around quickly.
Close up on his face, we see it drain of blood and a look f pure horror is etched into his expression.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Eeeeep.
FADE TO BLACK
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
GBW is sitting at his station, reading a book. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting on his command chair, flipping through the pages of a porno mag. There’s a beeping noise, GBW sets down his book and looks at a screen.
GBW
Doc. We got a visitor.
DOCTOR WHAT
Kinda busy here.
(tilts magazine to it’s side)
Kinda busy….
GBW
You might want to see this.
DOCTOR WHAT
How man times have I told you,
I’m not interested in your voyeurism.
I’ve got porn to catch up on, man!
GBW
No. You really are gonna want to see this.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Put it up on the main viewer.
GBW activates the main viewer.
DOCTOR WHAT
Who?
(beat)
It can’t be…
GBW
Looks like it is.
DOCTOR WHAT
What does she want?
Has she finally come for me?
GBW
I think she wants to talk with whomever is in charge.
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn.
GBW
That means you.
DOCTOR WHAT
Huzzah!
Send her to my quarters.
GBW
Doc…
DOCTOR WHAT
Send her to my main Guest Receiving Office.
GBW
You don’t have one.
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it.
I’ll meet her at the air lock.
(glances at watch)
Give me fifteen minutes.
GBW
What?
DOCTOR WHAT is running toward the Lift.
DOCTOR WHAT
Keep her distracted for me!
GBW
What?
DOCTOR WHAT
And don’t tell anyone!!
GBW
(sighing)
Me talk to a girl?
Pan to the viewscreen and we see ALYSON HANNIGAN standing at the hatch.
INT. – SOMEWHERE – DAY
It’s dark, it’s dank, the wound of water is dripping somewhere.
We hear a groan, and we see a figure move.
Move in toward the figure and we see it’s MICHAEL.
MICHAEL
What the fuck?
From his POV we see a large chamber, convoluted vein like cords hang from every fixture.
MICHAEL
What the fuck?
Pull out from MICHAEL we see FLOCCULENCIO tied up near him, thick cords wrapped around legs, arms, and waist, there is also something attached to his face. A huge pulsing bulbous thing inside a sack.
MICHAEL
What the fuck!
Pull back even more we see ALT. LUAKEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN similarly attached to the wall and with something attached to their bodies.
There’s a gurgling noise and MICHAEL’s head snaps toward where a ovoid leathery trashcan sized thing moves before him. The top of the leathery thing opens with a wet splat.
MICHAEL
What the fuuuuuck!
Something is moving inside it.
MICHAEL begins screaming.
Cut to:
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – AIR LOCK – DAY
GBW and ALYSON HANNIGAN are standing in awkward silence in the air lock. ALYSON gives an interested look a the air lock, taking it in, while GBW has his hands behind his back, head cast down, and occasionally shuffles his feet.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Nice ship…
GBW
(startled)
What?
He should be along any moment!
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Okay…
A long strained silence falls again.
The door opens and in comes DOCTOR WHAT. GBW jerks back in surprise. DOCTOR WHAT is wearing an ill fitting expensive looking suit, his hair is neatly combed, and one can almost see the cologne wafting off of him. He smiles, his teeth giving off a glint.
DOCTOR WHAT
Welcome to the AH.com ship, Miss…
ALYSON HANNIGAN
You can call me Aly.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grins)
How I’ve waited for this moment…
ALYSON HANNIGAN
What?
DOCTOR WHAT
Nothing. Nothing.
(clears throat)
What can I help you with, Aly.
(grins foolishly)
ALYSON HANNIGAN
I’m looking for Psychomeltdown.
GBW/DOCTOR WHAT
WHAT???
ALYSON HANNIGAN
I haven’t seen him in three days
and I’m getting a little worried.
GBW/DOCTOR WHAT
WHAT???
ALYSON HANNIGAN
He usually comes around twice a day, but he hasn’t come around.
(sighs)
I think something ill must have befallen him. I heard him
say he was the head engineer on a ship called AH.com…
GBW gives DOCTOR WHAT a look.
GBW
Sure Dave would counter that statement.
DOCTOR WHAT
How do you know Psychomeltdown?
ALYSON HANNIGAN
(blushes)
I work for Madame Candice.
GBW
(loudly)
You’re a hooker!
DOCTOR WHAT
GBW!
ALYSON HANNIGAN
(sriffly)
I provide entertainment to business men and officials.
DOCTOR WHAT
(to GBW)
apologize to the lovely woman!
(to Alyson)
I’m sorry about my subordinate’s words.
This is why we don’t really let him out among actual people.
GBW
(shamed)
I’m sorry.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’ve never been to Madame Candice’s
ALYSON HANNIGAN
It just opened up last week.
She moved her business from our world to here.
Said there was a better class of people.
DOCTOR WHAT
So you’ve been… er… entertaining Psycho?
(shudders)
ALYSON HANNIGAN
(blushes)
Umm… sorta.
GBW
(grinning)
Remember what Weapon M said about that
time they were captured and forced to breed?
DOCTOR WHAT
You’re not telling me..
(to Alyson)
He had.. er.. performance issues?
ALYSON HANNIGAN
(blushing)
We don’t tell about our clients.
He was kind, sweet, and always
had a present for me.
DOCTOR WHAT
This is Psychomeltdown you’re talking about right?
GBW
The same Psychomeltdown who
urinated in Luakel Brain’s jar?
Before he got a body back?
DOCTOR WHAT
The same Psychomeltdown who set fire to
Diamond’s quarters for being a Reformist Sheepist?
GBW
The same Psychomeltdown who keeps
stealing our lunches from the Mess Hall?
ALYSON HANNIGAN nods.
GBW
Well when a girl is involved.
DOCTOR WHAT
People do tend to act weird.
(pause)
This would explain Psycho’s
long absence from the ship lately.
And his poor work performance.
GBW
He always works that way.
(beat)
And he hasn’t been on board in three days.
DOCTOR WHAT
You sure?
GBW
Two days ago was pay day. He didn’t show.
Which was odd, because he generally follows Hendryk
around for the two days leading up to pay day. Hendryk
said he wasn’t bothered for three days this morning. Which
kind of tipped me off on the whole he’s missing thing.
DOCTOR WHAT
And you didn’t tell us?
GBW
It’s Psychomeltdown.
DOCTOR WHAT
Gotcha.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
What are we to do?
He might be in trouble.
DOCTOR WHAT
Man, this is weird.
Someone actually caring
about Psychomeltdown.
GBW
Surreal, even.
DOCTOR WHAT
Twilight Zonish.
GBW
Outer Limits like.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Can we find Psychomeltdown?
DOCTOR WHAT
Who?
(beat)
Oh, right.
Psycho.
Come, well use our
massive tech to find him.
They leave the Air lock.
INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DA
DOCTOR WHAT
You mean Michael and Flocc have
been missing for three days too/
GBW
Yeah. I told you two days ago.
They missed their shifts.
DOCTOR WHAT
They have shifts. What do they do on the ship?
GBW
(Shrugs)
Nothing, I’m thinking.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
I guess we’ll have to find them, eh?
GBW
(Nods)
I think others would find it amiss
if we just left them to their fate.
DOCTOR WHAT
Gotcha.
Okay, bring up the screen.
We still got those trackers in them?
GBW
Yeah.
DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent.
Now bring up a map of the Hub and find them.
GBW does so.
Nothing.
DOCTOR WHAT
They’re not on the Hub?
GBW
Their trackers aren’t working.
DOCTOR WHAT
You have the info on their last positions stored?
GBW hits a few buttons.
Three dots flash on the screen.
GBW
They were roughly in the same spot.
DOCTOR WHAT
I know that place. It’s the location
of Dream Spot, the strip joint.
GBW
(tapping more buttons)
Directory says it’s a bakery now.
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn Shame.
Damn Shame.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
What does this all mean?
DOCTOR WHAT
A good strip joint that served decent pot stickers
just went out of business and was replaced by a bakery.
(shakes head)
Damn shame.
Damn shame.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
No about Psycho.
DOCTOR WHAT
Who?
GBW
This location reminds me of something.
The view screen flashes a couple of smaller windows, all showing headlines of Missing Person. Five in all.
DOCTOR WHAT
And that means?
GBW
They all disappeared in the same place.
DOCTOR WHAT
And?
GBW
Then someone or something has
kidnapped them in all the same spot.
DOCTOR WHAT
What does this have to do with things?
GBW
This.
Five dots appear roughly in the same area where MICHAEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and FLOCCULENCIO all disappeared.
GBW
There seems to be only one witness to what happened.
An image of a terrified CHINGO appears upon the screen.
GBW
Says his friend Luakel
was kidnapped by something.
DOCTOR WHAT
Something? This is the Hub, GBW.
Ian would know such things.
GBW
Ian hasn’t been in the Hub for the last month.
DOCTOR WHAT
What?
GBW
You know there’s a war going on, right?
DOCTOR WHAT
Um….
GBW brings up another window with the head lines: HUB FORCES FACE MAJOR SET BACK AS ASB LAUNCH FURIOUS ATTACK UPON WORLD 32857935-SDS.
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh.
Guess there is a war going on.
GBW
Right now we need to find Flocc and the others.
DOCTOR WHAT suddenly stands up.
DOCTOR WHAT
Give me fifteen minutes!
DOCTOR WHAT runs out of the Control Room.
EXT. – HUB – STREET – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT, GBW, and ALYSON HANNIGAN all walk down the street. DOCTOR WHAT is wearing a tweed cap and overcoat above his ill fitting suit, and smoking a pipe. GBW is wearing a suit and a bowler hat, while ALYSON HANNIGAN wears and elaborate Victorian style dress and umbrella.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
This is a bit extreme, isn’t it?
DOCTOR WHAT
We’re out to solve a mystery.
We must dress for success.
GBW
I rather like it.
DOCTOR WHAT
Far better than the ratty t-shirt
and sweatpants you wear, eh?
GBW
They’re comfortable.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, here we are.
They stand outside a run down looking apartment building.
GBW
Yeah. The residence of this guy named Chingo.
DOCTOR WHAT
Shall we vigorously interrogate him?
GBW
There’s a lady present…
INT. – CHINGO’S APARTMENT – DAY
CHINGO sits upon a milk crate in an otherwise undecorated and furnished living room.
CHINGO
I’d offer you a seat and a drink, but I have neither.
DOCTOR WHAT
Um.. living it up here, aren’t you?
CHINGO
(sighing)
Rent’s due in three days and Luakel goes missing.
I can’t afford this place by myself.
GBW
What’s that smell.
CHINGO
So what are you guys here for.
Is it because of the whole virus thing last week?
I only did it because I needed the cash and my WoW
subscription needed to be paid.
The only clean and magnificently maintained spot in the tattered room is a computer upon a desk.
DOCTOR WHAT
No harm no foul.
We’re hear because we heard about your friend.
CHINGO
Yeah, crazy shit.
Something came at us. We ran, Luakel got caught.
I told him to stop tucking in all those extra burgers.
(sighs)
GBW
Can you tell us what happened
when your friend went missing?
CHINGO
Well we just got off of work and were heading home.
I was looking forward to leveling up that night, Lukael said he was
spending some alone time with a bag of pastries the Count let us take,
then something started chasing after us. We ran. Next thing I know
Luakel’s gone and I’m stuck having to come up with his half of the rent.
(sighs)
GBW
Can you describe this creature to us?
CHINGO
(shrugs)
Monster like.
It was big. It was fast.
And it made a hissing noise.
GBW
That doesn’t tell us much.
DOCTOR WHAT
Tell us the truth, or we’ll bust in your teeth.
GBW
Doc, that’s not helping.
CHINGO
(thinking)
Oh, and it smelled like yeast.
Don’t know why.
DOCTOR WHAT
(suddenly)
Come, GBW, Aly!
I have an idea!
EXT. – STREET – DAY
GBW is standing outside a building, looking bored. He checks his watch and glances toward the building.
INT. – RESTAURANT – DAY
ALYSON HANNIGAN and DOCTOR WHAT are sitting around a candle lit table, a fancy meal before them.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
I still don’t see how this will help find Psycho.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, the difficult part is coming up.
Some tough things are going to have to be done, some not so nice things.
I just wanted to make sure you’d be okay with what we’d have to do.
To find…
(cringes)
Psycho.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
(beat)
I understand.
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s ..
(cringes)
awesome that Psycho found a girl like you…
ALYSON HANNIGAN
(smiles)
No. it’s nothing like that.
He pays me for my time.
I just was concerned I’d be losing all the
money he was paying… it’s good money.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
That explains everything.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
He’s a nice guy, kinda weird at times,
but this is just merely business.
DOCTOR WHAT
(leaning back and smiling)
Well, suddenly the world has righted itself.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
But that doesn’t mean I can’t have my own life too.
(smiles shyly)
ALYSON HANNIGAN lies her hand upon DOCTOR WHAT’s.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nervous squeaky voice)
No. No it doesn’t.
(dabs sweaty forehead)
GBW suddenly clears his throat.
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it, GBW!
GBW
Doc we need to go. The bakery is closing soon
and we need to speak with the guy who owns it.
(checks a notepad)
A Count Dearborn.
DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t you see I’m in the middle of something?
GBW
We need to find Flocc and the others.
DOCTOR WHAT
What does the bakery have to do with it?
GBW
(sighing)
The missing crewmembers, the five others that disappeared, they were all
in and around the bakery when it happened, and all occurred within the
week that the bakery opened up. Added to that, Chingo said the monster
smelled somewhat of yeast, therefore one can assume it came from the
bakery or had some connection with it.
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?
GBW
Logical empirical reasoning, Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, my dear Watson, let’s go
find these missing crewmembers.
INT. – DEARBORN’S BAKERY – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT, GBW, and ALYSON HANNIGAN enter the bakery. COUNT DEARBORN looks up, smiling.
COUNT DEARBORN
Welcome to Dearborn Bakery!
How can I-
DOCTOR WHAT
Shut it, doughboy.
GBW
(sighs)
(to Alyson)
Normally he isn’t like this.
DOCTOR WHAT
We want answers and we want them now.
COUNT DEARBORN
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, you know.
You so know.
COUNT DEARBORN
No. No I don’t.
DOCTOR WHAT
Tell us where you’re keeping them.
Tell us where you hid them.
COUNT DEARBORN
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
DOCTOR WHAT
Liar!
COUNT DEARBORN
Get out of my store.
You’re causing a disturbance.
DOCTOR WHAT
(steely voice)
GBW. I suggest you take lovely Alyson out.
Things are going to get a little vocal.
GBW and ALYSON HANNIGAN leave the bakery.
EXT. – BAKERY – DAY
GBW and ALYSON HANNIGAN stand looking at the Bakery, silence.
DOCTOR WHAT
(yelling from inside bakery)
TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!
There’s the sound of crashing things.
DOCTOR WHAT
(yelling from inside bakery)
TELL ME WHERE THEY ARE!
More crashing things.
Suddenly the door opens up and DOCTOR WHAT comes flying out.
COUNT DEARBORN stands at the entrance, angry.
COUNT DEARBORN
Don’t you ever come back here!
ALYSON HANNIGAN and GBW run to DOCTOR WHAT. He’s sporting a shiner and busted lip, his clothing powdered with flour.
DOCTOR WHAT sits up, pulls his pipe from out of his pocket, and uses a box of matches to light it. He takes a puff or two on it.
DOCTOR WHAT
(puffing)
Oh, he’s hiding something.
(groans)
EXT. – BAKERY – NIGHTISH
GBW, DOCTOR WHAT, and ALYSON HANNIGAN are crouched behind a couple of large containers.
GBW
I still think this is a bad idea, sir.
DOCTOR WHAT
The light’s been out for an hour.
I think he should be gone by now.
GBW
We could always call the Security.
Or have the other guys around.
DOCTOR WHAT looks around and leans forward to GBW.
DOCTOR WHAT
Look, how will do you think my image would stand up
against the likes of Matt, Weapon M, or Grey?
GBW
What?
DOCTOR WHAT
The only reason I let you tag along
is because you make me look cool.
GBW
What?
DOCTOR WHAT
Plus you’re gay, aren’t you? I’d have brought Kit along,
but you know how he is. He talks too much and would have
told her all my embarrassing secrets.
GBW
I think I’m gonna go back to the ship.
DOCTOR WHAT
What about the others?
If they’re trapped in that bakery,
then you’ll be just abandoning them.
GBW is obviously torn by indecision.
GBW
Fine. For the others.
DOCTOR WHAT
‘Atta boy.
GBW
I’m sure she’d be thrilled at this news, no?
DOCTOR WHAT
What?
GBW
Nevermind.
DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, let’s get this show on the road.
Be cool because we got company.
(grins)
DOCTOR WHAT gets up and strides purposefully toward the Bakery, GBW sighs and follows.
DOCTOR WHAT stops, tries the door, it’s locked, then strides purposefully toward a garbage can, lifts it up and throws it through the main window. He leaps into the darkness following the trashcan.
DOCTOR WHAT
AH.commers! To me!
GBW watches, horrified and shaking his head. From beneath the coat of his suit, he pulls out a small device, sticks it into the door, and a moment later it opens.
GBW enters the Bakery.
INT. – BAKERY – CONTINUING
DOCTOR WHAT turns around, grinning from ear to ear.
DOCTOR WHAT
Did she see?
Did she see?
GBW
Yeah, but I think you’ve also gain the attention of
everyone in this block with your wild antics.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wild, cool, antics, non?
ALYSON HANNIGAN follows the two men in, she looks around.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Anything?
DOCTOR WHAT
Nope But this is just the beginning.
They’re around here, I can feel it.
GBW
(groans)
I think that-
COUNT DEARBORN
WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!
Everyone turns to see COUNT DEARBORN standing at an open door, leading to a lower level, his face twisted into anger.
COUNT DEARBORN
What have you done!
DOCTOR WHAT
I know you’ve kidnapped the others!
COUNT DEARBORN
You damned idiot!
DOCTOR WHAT launches himself at COUNT DEARBORN who whacks him in the side of the head with a rolling pin. DOCTOR WHAT staggers and crashes onto a table full of pastries. COUNT DEARBORN advances upon GBW and ALYSON HANNIGAN.
GBW
I can explain, sir.
I can –
(dodges wild swing)
Please!
COUNT DEARBORN is hit with a pie in the back of the head. DOCTOR WHAT throws himself at him again, jumping upon his back, and trying unsuccessfully to punch him. COUNT DEARBORN grabs DOCTOR WHAT by his neatly combed hair and pulls him off his back.
DOCTOR WHAT
ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!
My hair!
COUNT DEARBORN does a swing with his rolling pin that sends DOCTOR WHAT flying, into the open door leading downward. He’s lost as he tumbles down the stairs.
COUNT DEARBORN turns back to GBW and ALYSON HANNIGAN.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Do something.
GBW
You think I fight?
Hell, no.
I just retrieve information.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Then retrieve information from him in a harmful manner!
GBW
Mommy!
GBW and ALYSON HANNIGAN dodge another swing.
ALYSON HANNIGAN stands up, runs to COUNT DEARBORN, and knees him in the balls.
COUNT DEARBORN goes down, groaning. His eyes roll back in his head and he collapses to the grown gasping.
GBW
How?
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Work in the business for a while, you
get to know how to handle crazy guys.
GBW
My hero.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Where’s Doc?
INT. – DOWNSTAIRS – NIGHTISH
DOCTOR WHAT groans and gets to his hands and knees. He stops, sniffing the air.
DOCTOR WHAT
Is that yeast?
There’s a slithering, groaning noise that suddenly fills the air.
DOCTOR WHAT jumps to his feet, looking around in the dim light. He immediately spots FLOCCULENCIO attached to a wall with some kind of cords. He runs to him.
DOCTOR WHAT
(yelling)
Hey! They’re down here!
They’re down here!
He pulls off the bulbous sack attached to him, making a cringing face. It comes away, sticky with something and FLOCCULENCIO opens his eyes, giving a ragged cough.
FLOCCULENCIO
Oy, that don’t feel nice at all.
(begins retching)
GBW and ALYSON HANNIGAN come clattering down the stairs, GBW clutching DEARBORN’s rolling pin.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
What is this place.
GBW
I don’t know.
Dearborn must’ve been doing
some kind of experiment on them.
They rush to DOCTOR WHAT and begin freeing FLOCCULENCIO.
Suddenly the room is filled with the hissing sound and something horrible comes out of the back room.
MONSTER
FOOLS!
DEARBORN WAS MY TOOL!
YOU ALL DIE NOW!!!
DOCTOR WHAT
WHAT THE FUCK!
GBW and ALYSON HANNIGAN begin screaming.
DOCTOR WHAT grabs the rolling pin and begins attacking the creature.
MONSTER
YOU SHALL ALL BE MINE!
TO FEED MY EVER GROWING ARMY!
DOCTOR WHAT
Not if I have my way!
(begins attacking)
GBW and ALYSON HANNIGAN huddle behind a large stem looking thing.
FLOCCULENCIO
Bugger me, it was prettier when I was knocked out.
(begins retching again)
DOCTOR WHAT dodges the Monster’s tentacles, but not fast enough. It tears a huge rent into the suit, knocking DOCTOR WHAT to the ground.
DOCTOR WHAT
You bitch!
I was going to be buried in this suit!
Do you know how much it cost!!!
DOCTOR WHAT renews his attack upon the creature, before turning and racing up the stairs.
DOCTOR WHAT
Free the others!
GBW and ALYSON HANNIGAN quickly free FLOCCULENCIO and then begin working on the others.
INT – BAKERY – NIGHTISH
DOCTOR WHAT leaps our from the door, rolling roughly upon the floor. A thick tentacle smashes down after him, missing him by inches. He smacks the tentacle with the rolling pin, getting a scream of pain from the creature.
The Monster pulls its way into the interior of the Bakery, a massive collection of tentacles and gnashing teeth. DOCTOR WHAT stares for a moment and races behind the main counter, the massive tentacles slapping down behind him. He dodge behind the counter looks around again and races toward a door leading into the kitchen.
INT. – DOWNSTAIRS – NIGHTISH
ALYSON and GBW tear off the bondages holding PSYCHOMELTDOWN.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(surprised)
Alyson!
You’ve come to rescue me!
I knew you loved me!
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Um.. Psycho we need to talk….
INT. – BAKERY KITCHEN – NIGHTISH
DOCTOR WHAT avoids a wildly flailing tentacle, he dodges behind a table, batting away another tentacle with the rolling pin.
DOCTOR WHAT
Someone help!
EXT. – BAKERY – NIGHTISH
FLOCCULENCIO, MICHAEL, GBW, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, ALT. LUAKEL, and ALYSON HANNIGAN, along with the other five survivors and the unconscious COUNT DEARBORN, are standing outside the Bakery.
GBW
Should we go and try to help Doc?
FLOCCULENCIO
Can’t you see I’m injured, man?
MICHAEL
The red headed devil woman has unmanned me with her presence.
Do you not see my courage leaking from my pants???
INT. – BAKERY KITCHEN – NIGHTISH
DOCTOR WHAT dodges another tentacle as the monster reaches for him. He suddenly sees a large vat of liquid and then grins.
DOCTOR WHAT
Come and get it, asshat.
The creature pushes more of itself into the tight space of the kitchen, jaws snapping and tentacles flailing.
DOCTOR WHAT
Stuck now, aren’t you?
MONSTER
I WILL KILL YOU!
TO FEED MY EVER GROWING ARMY!
DOCTOR WHAT kicks over the vat, upon it says: COOKING OIL.
The Oil soaks the creature and from his pocket, DOCTOR WHAT pulls out a box of matches and his pipe. He lights the match and lights his pipe.
DOCTOR WHAT
Burn, baby, burn.
DOCTOR WHAT tosses the match upon the oil soaked floor, immediately it explodes into flames, enveloping the stuck creature.
He watches it burn, puffing on his pipe.
EXT. – BAKERY – NIGHTISH
Flames are beginning to lick up from the building.
ALYSON pulls PSYCHOMELTDOWN away from the sight.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Look, Psycho. What we had was just business.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t understand.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
You’re a nice guy and all that.
But I can’t keep seeing you, especially
when I’ve found someone else.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t understand…
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Normally it wouldn’t be an issue, but seeing as you
know him. I think it’s only right that I tell you.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t understand…
ALYSON HANNIGAN
I think I’m in love with Doctor What.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s left eye gives a twitch.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What?
ALYSON HANNIGAN
He’s so brave. So courageous.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
WHAT?
ALYSON HANNIGAN
And he looks so dashing in that suit…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN drops to his knees, throwing his hands into the air.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Pan to the Bakery.
DOCTOR WHAT exits the front door, the Bakery now lit up in flames. He cleans out his pipe and sticks it into a pocket of his tattered suit.
ALYSON HANNIGAN runs to him, throwing herself into his arms.
GBW
How did you survive, Doc?
DOCTOR WHAT
Elementary, my dear Watson.
Elementary.
Pull out as DOCTOR WHAT and ALYSON HANNIGAN are silhouetted by the burning Bakery.
Fade to Black:
END ACT II
TAG
INT. – COFFEE SHOP – NIGHTISH
Fire crews are putting out the fire and the crew is gathered in a coffee shop, including a now conscious COUNT DEARBORN.
COUNT DEARBORN
I was exploring this planet,
where human life didn’t evolved.
Next thing I know I’m here,
with a month lost.
DOCTOR WHAT
Dude that sucks.
COUNT DEARBORN
I remember things, but it was like
they’re things done by other people.
(sighs)
DOCTOR WHAT
I know how you feel.
Mind controlling bastards are a bitch.
COUNT DEARBORN
Yeah.
(takes a long drink)
Especially when they can’t make a decent pastry roll…
GBW
So what are you going to do now?
COUNT DEARBORN
Get my ship out of the pawn shop I put it in to buy
this place and see if I can pick up things where I left off.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good luck, man.
GBW
Hope it turns out alright.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
You make lovely doughnuts.
INT. – A STORE – DAY
ALT. LUAKEL and CHINGO stand wearing a blue vest and a hat. They both look slightly bored.
ALT. LUAKEL
Beats being food to some monster.
CHINGO
I still don’t get it.
You were attached to an egg sack?
ALT. LUAKEL
Yeah.
CHINGO
Now, that’s just weird.
The door they are standing up slides open and in walks in an overweight woman pushing a shopping cart.
ALT. LUAKEL/CHINGO
Welcome to MultiverseMart.
Is there anything I can help you with?
INT. – BEDROOM– DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in bed, a big grin on his face.
ALYSON HANNIGAN enters the room, wearing a sexy lingerie.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’ve had sex dreams and seen pornos
that haven’t been as good as this.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
A prono has nothing on this.
I know all the ways to please a man.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good thing, because I don’t know
how to please a woman without dying.
She slides into the bed.
ALYSON HANNIGAN
And don’t worry, once we get married I’ll still dress like this.
DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Married?
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Yes, it’ll be a big ceremony.
But you can’t invite any of those people you call crew members.
One of them tried to fondle me. Another kept spitting in my shadow.
And Psycho… well I had to file a retraining order against him.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wedding?
ALYSON HANNIGAN
It’ll be beautiful Then we’ll move to a quiet world.
None of this hub business. It’s just too wild here.
We can’t raise our children here.
DOCTOR WHAT
Children?
ALYSON HANNIGAN
Oh, yes. We’ll have seven of them.
DOCTOR WHAT
Seven?
A look of pure horror crosses DOCTOR WHAT’s face. He suddenly leaps out of bed, grabs for his pants, and pulls out a communicator.
DOCTOR WHAT
G.Bone! Emergency Teleport!
Emergency Teleport!
Now!!!!
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
