TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.com ship flops out of a vortex.

Behind it they trail a large chunk of something attached to a cable.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT looks to KIT.

DOCTOR WHAT
The fuck was that?

KIT
Not sure, Doc. Looks to me like we were harpooned
with something prior to entering the vortex.

DOCTOR WHAT
Harpooned? What the hell is a harpooned?

GBW
Harpoon: a long pointed piece of metal
that is attached to a cord and thrown
or fired from a gun in order to capture
whales or other large sea animals.

DOCTOR WHAT
Do we look like friggin whales to you?

Everyone turns to DIAMOND who’s licking the wrapper of snickers bar.

DIAMOND
Say one fucking word and
I’ll be smashing heads.
Hear me?

WEAPON M
(looking about excitedly)
Someone say poon?

MATT
(equally as excited)
I’m up for some poon.

The two men high five, grinning.

MICHAEL
I’m up for some too.

Everyone looks at MICHAEL and begin laughing.

DOCTOR WHAT
So.. who harpooned us?

GBW
Seems a ship appeared upon our sensors
just prior to our entering the vortex.
Unknown as to who it was or what they
wanted. It looks like it just harpooned us
and let us go.

KIT
Well, they just stuck us, didn’t they?
What the hell are we gonna
do with a giant length of pointed metal
sticking out of our ship?

Everyone looks at LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
You know what I’m gonna do with it,
so quit your bloody staring.
(into comm)
Howery, get those bloody excuses of
engineering crews into EVA suits
and have them retrieve that harpoon.
Once you’ve done so inform me,
I’ll be in my quarters, tell ‘em to
polish it up and bring it to me.

LANDSHARK leaves.

DOCTOR WHAT
You aren’t joining, Yuppie?

IRONYUPPIE
(reading a magazine)
He needs his alone time, every now and then.
(flips pages)
You seen what he does with it once,
you’ve seen it a million times.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking around)
Well, since that’s done with..
Leo start scanning the planet,
you might as well do something..
I’ll be getting drunk in my quarters.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“TIN PLATED HEROES”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TORQUMADA’S QUARTERS – DAY

TORQUMADA is stirring a pot, whistling a John Denver song. Pan around the room and see a poster of Sweet Victoria on the walls with the words YUMMY written over it, a pile of stacked books, and diagrams upon diagrams of the human body stuck to every available bulkhead space.

TORQUMADA rings a tiny bell. From out of under a table crawls BOBO, it lets out a piteous wail.

TORQUMADA
Feeding time.

BOBO
Bobo.
Hungry.

TORQUMADA sets down the pot and we see BOBO attack it, the slurping cruching sound of it eating can be heard. TORQUMADA smiles.

TORQUMADA
Yes. Eat.
Grow big and strong.
(begins laughing)

Suddenly the comm beeps.

TORQUMADA
Huh?

DAVE HOWERY (on comm)
Hey, Torq. You know that thing you
asked me to make that one time?

TORQUMADA
Not really.

DAVE HOWERY
Well it’s done. I’ve set it in your office.

TORQUMADA
You were in my office!

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, I might have accidentally knocked
over a big jar that had a brain in it.

TORQUMADA
A brain?
Luakel!

Cut to:

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA stands in the doorway, looking slightly miffed.

TORQUMADA
Well, at least you could have cleaned it up.

DAVE HOWERY
(shrugs)
Why?

TORQUMADA
You made the mess.

DAVE HOWERY
Meh.
Help me with this thing.

TORQUMADA
You didn’t have to kick it around and then stomp on it.

TORQUAMADA picks up a mashed bit of brain matter, tossing it into a trash bin. He looks around at the mess and sighs.

DAVE HOWERY
Look. I have a thing against brains in jars, okay?
Just leave it alone.

TORQUMADA
Fine. Fine.
What the hell is that thing?
(points)

DAVE HOWERY
Look, I haven’t had time to work out so…
I kinda gained a bit of weight.

TORQUMADA
No, not that.
THAT!
(points)

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, sorry about that.
(zips up trousers)
Anyway, here’s the thing
you wanted that last time.

TORQUMADA
I didn’t’ really think you’d make it.

DAVE HOWERY
Why’s that?

TORQUMADA
You’re lazier than Psychomeltdown
and as incompetent as Michael.

DAVE HOWERY
Take that back!
I am not lazy like Psychomeltdown!

TORQUMADA
(shrugs)
Guess you proved me wrong.

DAVE HOWERY
Hell yes I did.
Now let’s use it in a manner unbefitting
a man of honor and decency.

TORQUMADA
Good thing we’re neither of those things.

DAVE HOWERY
Yup.

TORQUMADA
Where is Luakel anyway?

DAVE HOWERY
I thought he was the brain in the jar I smashed?

TORQUMADA
No, that was simply another project I was working on.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn. I thought we had gotten rid of him.

TORQUMADA
God, how I wish.

They both nod.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

GBW is sitting at his station, flipping through various screen and information. On the main viewscreen shows PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE in space suits doing something around the harpoon stuck into the side of the ship.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN (on comm.)
You know that Landshark is a butthole.

G.BONE
I totally agree.
I’ve never seen a bigger butthole on a person before.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uhmm.. Right.
You’re the butthole.

G.BONE
No, I’m a tool.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And GBW is a lazy desk bound bastard.

GBW (into comm)
I heard that.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yup, he’s still eavesdropping like the perv he is.

G.BONE
Damn. Guess we can’t plot our coup of the ship, eh?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I keep telling you, Mutiny.
Not coup. Who mutinies and calls it a coup?
It’s like having sex with a hooker and calling it making love.

G.BONE
Someone who lives in their own little
world of pretending to do the right thing
while allowing those that support him
to die terrible and ultimately futile deaths.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the hell are you talking about?

G.BONE
Nothing… Nothing.

GBW
Obviously you don’t remember things, right, Psycho?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I remember things.
I just don’t feel like bullshitting about them all the damn time, is all.
I prefer to keep track of the important things, not idiotic trivial events.

GBW
When is my birthday?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I just said.
I only remember important things.
Like Alyson Hannigan’s birthday.

G.BONE
When’s Alyson Hannigan’s birthday?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(long pause)
Shut up, assholes.
We got a harpoon to dislodge and all
this stupid talking isn’t gonna help us any.

G.BONE
You were the one talking

GBW
He’s right.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, stop eavesdropping on our conversation.

GBW
Its called monitoring your situation.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What ever, geek boy.
Why don’t you just fondle your
purty little computer console,
cuz you can’t get anything else,
unless you pay for it like Dave.

G.BONE
Now that’s just mean.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, it’s the damned truth.
I only tell the truth!

G.BONE
Actually.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey look at that thing.

G.BONE
Wow. What’s attached to it?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Looks like some kind of
beeping module or something.

G.BONE
Don’t touch it!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What will touching do? Nothing.
(beat)
See?

G.BONE
Hey, look at that.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay, that’s weird.

G.BONE
Um… It think this might be a bad thing…

The monitor screen goes dark.

GBW sits up straight, hits some buttons and looks at the screen in confusion.

GBW (on comm)
Guys?
You there?

Silence.

GBW
(sighing)
Doc. I think you should get back in here.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing heavily)
You know what time it is, right?

GBW
Yeah, sorry.
But I’ve just lost contact with G.Bone.

DOCTOR WHAT
What happened to him?

GBW
He and Psycho went out to
dislodge the harpoon in our ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh? Where’s Psycho?

GBW
Do you really care, sir?

DOCTOR WHAT
Good point. I’ll be up there. We can’t lose G.Bone.
He’s the best member of the crew.

GBW
Do you even remember how G.Bone looks like?

DOCTOR WHAT
Our relationship and closeness
transcends looks and talking to one another.

GBW
Right….

INT. – DOC’S QUARTERS – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT sets down his communicator. He looks over to a glass enclosure with a hamster running on a little wheel. He taps the glass.

DOCTOR WHAT
This was your lucky day, buddy.

DOCTOR WHAT pulls on his trousers and heads out the door.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY and TORQUMADA are dressed in surgical gowns, masks covering thisr faces and glasses covering their eyes.

TORQUMADA
Right. This is a careful procedure.

DAVE HOWERY
Really?
I mean… yeah. Yeah it is.

TORQUMADA
Did you wash your hands?

DAVE HOWERY
For what?

TORQUMADA
This is a germ free area!

DAVE HOWERY
Now you tell me.

Wanders off.

TORQUMADA
Freakin’ Engineers.
Right?

TORQUMADA asks LUAKEL BRAIN, there’s a flurry of small bubbles.

TORQUMADA
I hear you.

LUAKEL BRAIN: more bubbles.

TORQUMADA
No. Now that would just be weird.
(looks around)
I don’t think he’s coming back.
(beat)
Freakin’ Engineers.

Cut to:

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is walking down the corridor, still fully in surgical gear.

FLOCCULENCIO comes walking up.

FLOCCULENCIO
Yo, Dave. What are you doing?

DAVE HOWERY
(blinking)
What?

FLOCCULENCIO gestures to DAVE HOWERY’s gear.

DAVE HOWERY
I have no friggin idea.
I know I was supposed to do something.
But I can’t remember.

FLOCCULENCIO
(shrugs)
You know G.Bone went missing?

DAVE HOWERY
G.Bone!?

FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah. We’re holding a vigil in the Control Room.
You should come.

DAVE HOWERY
Let’s go!
(they walk off)
What happened to Psychomeltdown?

FLOCCULENCIO
Who knows.

DAVE HOWERY
Man, I hope G.Bone is alright….

FLOCCULENCIO
He’ll be in my prayers tonight.

They continue walking.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, you know why I’m in surgical gear?

FLOCCULENCIO
Thought you were doing
something kinky with Keira?

DAVE HOWERY
Hmm.. Maybe.
You know I have sex with her right?

FLOCCULENCIO
(sighing)
Yeah. I know.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, just making sure you know.
Make sure to tell everyone.

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA
Okay, this is a delicate procedure.
I’ll hurt, I’m sure and you’ll probably
pass out from the sheer pain alone.
But once its done you’ll be sorta okay.
At least you’ll be mobile. Somewhat.

LUAKEL BRAIN sends up a flurry of bubbles.

TORQUMADA
Who knows if you’ll be able to have sex again.
I guess I could have Dave weld something on it…
(shakes head)
Let’s not count our chickens before the hen
even gets knocked up, ‘kay? This is just a
simple measure to get you out of my med bay
and being somewhat of a productive crew member.
We already have one layabout and
we don’t need two of them.

LUAKEL BRAIN sends up a few bubbles.

TORQUMADA
Flocc? I was talking about Michael.
I’ve never seen a lazier crew member.
At least Flocc looks cool doing nothing,
Michael just looks like a lazy bastard
trying to find a reasonable way to broach
the subject of the joy of sheep shagging.

TORQUMADA plunges his gloved hands into LUAKEL BRAIN’s brain jar and pulls it out. He plops LUAKEL BRAIN down upon the surgical table and from beneath the table pulls out a wicked looking contraption connected to a long cord.

TORQUMADA
This part I think I love the most
(grins)

TORQUMADA plunges the weird contraption into the top of LUAKEL BRAIN. There’s a shudder and squeal like noise as the contraption grabs on. TORQUMADA flips a switch and there’s a sound of a motor running.

TORQUMADA
Take a few seconds.
(steps back and folds arms, looking bored)

BING!

TORQUMADA pokes the fleshy mass that was LUAKEL BRAIN, it’s unresponsive.

TORQUMADA
Now, we see if I win the medical
achievement award this year or
if this will be another mistake buried
in the bowels of the ship, just
waiting to come back and bite
me in the arse.

TORQUMADA walks to another table, where the cord from the contraption leads. He punches a button and a blinking light begins to flash.

TORQUMADA
(grinning)
If I had an evil maniacal laugh, I’d do it right now.
(beat)
Oh, hell why not?
(begins laughing manically)
It’s alive!!!!! It’s alive!!!!

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT walks into the Control Room and nearly trips over a bundle of roses and other flowers on the floor.

DOCTOR WHAT
The hell?

Pull out and we see a large picture of G.BONE sitting on Doc’s command chair, around it are bundles of flowers, lit candles, and the crew gathered, looking somber and worried.

DOCTOR WHAT
The hell is going on in here?

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
G.Bone went missing.
We’re holding a vigil.

DOCTOR WHAT
What?

WEAPON M
We have to save G.Bone!

DIAMOND
Oh, man. I don’t know
what I’ll do if we lose G.Bone.

OTHNIEL
God protect him.

THANDE
Amen.

DMA
And the Holy Sheep.

MICHAEL
G.Bone was the coolest Ah.commer ever.
(wipes away a tear)

DOCTOR WHAT
Dudes, what the fuck is going on here?
They’ve just been missing for a few minutes.

Everyone stares at DOCTOR WHAT.

KIT
Don’t be so cruel, Doc.
You know as we do that G.Bone’s been missing for the last three hours.
(wiping eyes)
He was so young. He had so much potential…

DOCTOR WHAT
What?

GBW
G.Bone. Missing.
Vigil.

DOCTOR WHAT
What about Psychomeltdown?

KIT
What about him?

DOCTOR WHAT
Did we rescue him?

GBW
I don’t think so…
(looks to Dave Howery)

DAVE HOWERY
Nope. He’s still AWOL?

DOCTOR WHAT
But he was with G.Bone.

GBW
So… Psychomeltdown somehow kidnapped G.Bone.

DOCTOR WHAT
No…
Dude what the hell happened.
I was just making my way up to the control room…
Somehow I lost three hours.

DIAMOND
You mean like the time you lost seven days?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh.. kinda. But those days were lost due to heavy drinking, the
sweet little girl that turned out to have some major kink factors,
and that bum that just wouldn’t take no for an answer..
This was not due to anything I consumed, had attached to me, or injested…

OTHNIEL
Might be due to that guy sitting over there.

Everyone glances to the corner to see a person sitting upon a computer soncole watching everyone.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy shit. What the hell is that?

PERSON
Hey.

WEAPON M
Hey, how’d he get on our ship?
Who’s the guy who’s supposed to
be making sure we have a secure ship?

Everyone looks at WEAPON M.

WEAPON M
Oh, right.
Damn.
My bad…

KIT
Who is he?
He looks gay in those
tight spandex short shorts.

PERSON
(glares at Kit)
They’re not short shorts!
(to everyone)
I’d like you all to meet my little friend.

There’s a sudden flash and everything turns white.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Pan through the Control Room, we see it empty. Screens flickering and displaying information.

LEO CAESIUS
Hello?
Anyone home?

Silence.

LEO CAESIUS
Well. This is an odd situation.
(long silence)
Maybe I should try and attempt a rescue.
Let me see…
(long pause)
There’s a ninety nine percent chance of failure.
But then again there is always a ninety nine percent chance
of failure when it comes to us trying to defeat a bad guy and
yet we continue to overcome them…
(long pause)
I think I’ll just wait and see.

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

We hear the clatter and clunk of something.

Camera pans to see a large trash bin shaped thing banging into a wall.

Pull in on it.

trash bin THING
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Hello?
Who said that?

trash bin THING
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Luakel?
Is that you?

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
How?

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!!

LEO CAESIUS
Torqumada transplanted your
memory engrams into the trash bin?

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Well it looks like a trash bin.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Why I never!
You’re rude little trash bin aren’t you?

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
You take that back.
My mother was a loving woman!

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No, I don’t know why you can’t talk normally.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, most likely it was done to..
ahem.. . as you put it, “fuck with you”.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No, I think it was Torqumada who did it. Not Michael.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Not everything is Michaels’ fault.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Okay, maybe that one was his fault.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
and that one…

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
and that one.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Okay, I’m seeing your point.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I doubt he made the crew disappear.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No. he doesn’t have any magic abilities like that.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No. You can’t gain it by watching the Harry Potter movies.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
It doesn’t matter if they’re well acted.
They’re fictional.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No. You’re a robot and don’t need sleep now.
Therefore there’s no need to read you a bed time story.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
See, now that’s just plain rude.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I suggest you stop that line of protesting, Luakel.
We have a crew to find and rescue.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Of course we can just leave them behind.
But I think you’d want Torqumada to at least get your mind
into a real body before we abandon them to their fates.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Sure now it seems cool to have a robot body.
But give it time and the realization you’ll never again feel the love of
a very drunken cheap hooker in the reference section of the library.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, that means you have no penis.

The Thudding continues louder as LUAKELBOT rams into the wall.

LEO CAESIUS
Trying to kill yourself will not help matters, Luakel.
We need to find the crew. I’m sure one of them will
be happy to help you once we’ve done that.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Yes it would most likely be Psychomeltdown.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I think he just wants you dead.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, it’s due to not getting any.
Now, let’s get to work on finding where everyone went.
When we find them, we rescue them.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
(perplexed)
Daring Commando Raid?

INT. – BRIGHT LIT ROOM – DAY

Tight in on DOCTOR WHAT’s unconscious form. Slowly his eyes open up.

Pull out as we see him lying naked upon a marble floor, his hands tied behind his back and to his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Aw, shit.
Why is it I always wake up like this?

DIAMOND
(groaning)
I feel like someone just punched my brain.
(beat)
Um.. why am I naked?

KIT
Me too.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Me three.

Shot of EVERYONE’s heads snapping in her direction.

DAVE HOWERY
Avert your eyes, pervs!
Do not look at my love!
Especially you, Thande!

THANDE
See it once, seen it a million times.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Meh, I got it on tape.

A figure walks into the room, flanked by guards in slightly Romanesque looking armor. He’s wearing a tight pair of short shorts and a tank top, both brilliantly yellow and purple respectively.

It’s EVOLVEDSAURIAN.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Well, well, well.
Seems you’re all up and awake.

DOCTOR WHAT
Who the hell are you?

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
(snaps fingers)
Beat this one
It talks.

A GUARD walks forward and pokes DOCTOR WHAT with a baton. DOCTOR WHAT giggles

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, that tickles.

Another figure walks into the large room.

FIGURE
Now, let’s not damage the merchandise.
After all, we need them in mint to near mint condition.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Ah, Agent Luakel, glad of you to join us.
See, the wares have waken.

ALT. LUAKEL
I can see that, ES.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
I hope the two samples I
sent to you were to your liking.

ALT. LUAKEL
They were acceptable, but I
must ensure only the highest quality.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Of course. Of course.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN walks up to GBW and grabs him by the harness like bondage he’s in.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
See this?
(runs hands upon GBW)
Nice and supple flesh, like they’ve never known work.
(opens GBW’s mouth)
Good strong teeth, strong jaw, decent lips.
If I weren’t such a professional,
I’d be riding this one right now.
(slaps GBW’s ass)
Supple…

ALT. LUAKEL
Please, contain yourself, EvolvedSaurian.

DOCTOR WHAT
Who are you guys?

ALT. LUAKEL
Why does this one speak?

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
You know these heroic types.
They think they can talk anytime they want.
(snaps fingers)

A GUARD steps forward and pokes DOCTOR WHAT with the baton again.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, that tickles!

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
But since I’m in a talking mood.
I’m EvolvedSaurian. Slaver extraordinaire.

ALT. LUAKEL
Please, don’t over aggrandize yourself on my account.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
(gesturing toward Alt Luakel)
He’s the purchasing agent I do business for.

ALT. LUAKEL
Yes, demean my position with such an
inadequate description of my functions.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
He pays well, so I only get him the best.

MICHAEL
(scoffing)
We’re the best?
Obviously you’re mistaken.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Your fame has proceeded, you.

DOCTOR WHAT
What fame?

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
The whole, heroic people thing.

DIAMOND
We’re heroic?

DMA
I feel damn heroic right now…

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
In some circles you’re well known.
Circles that could be called villainous.
Circles I gleefully travel within.
(grins)
When the call came to get my hands on a
score of heroes, well I knew the first place to look.

DOCTOR WHAT
Um.. what do you need heroes for anyway?
(grins)
Heh. We’re heroes.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
. (grinning evilly)
Ask this guy over here.

ALT. LUAKEL
I do dislike talking to the slaves.
(sighs)
You’re being sold as sex slaves.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Sex slaves?
Awesome.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
You won’t think its too awesome
when the 154th gets done with you.

THANDE
154th?

ALT. LUAKEL
The 154th Legion of the Great Achaean Empire.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m hoping that they’re an all female Legion, right?

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
(grinning)
Not likely.
They only enjoy.. How was it they put it?

ALT. LUAKEL
(sighing)
Fucking the heroic out of heroes.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Exactly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Aw, shit.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
(to Alt Luakel)
If you want, you can test out the wares.
See if they’re to your liking.

ALT. LUAKEL
(moment’s thought)
I think I will.

ALT LUAKEL walks down the row of tied up AH.commers, looking at each one.

ALT. LUAKEL
Him.
(points to Dave Howery)
I like a little hair on ‘em.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Sure you don’t want this one?
(slaps GBW’s ass)
He’s nice and supple.

ALT. LUAKEL
I said I want this one!

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Sure. Sure.
(snaps fingers)

The GUARDS grab DAVE HOWERY and drag him from the room.

DAVE HOWERY
Nooo!!!

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
Be brave, my love!
Be brave!!!!
(weeps)

Cut to:

INT. – CELL – NIGHT

G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are sitting in a cell, both naked.

G.BONE
That wasn’t too bad…
Considering…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is rocking back and forth, staring straight ahead.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Unclean.
Unclean.

G.BONE
We need to find our way out of here.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Unclean.
Unclean.

G.BONE sighs, leaning against the wall.

G.BONE
Well at least he had a tender touch.

Fade out:

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Unclean.
Unclean.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CARTOGRAPHY ROOM – DAY

LEO CAESIUS and LUAKELBOT stand before large screen that displays hundreds of planets and solar systems, all connected by various colored lines.

LEO CAESIUS
According to the ship’s sensors.
There was a surge of power
moments before everyone vanished.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No, don’t be so grotesque in your descriptions.
(hits buttons)
Alright. Internal sensors showed a disturbance, various
fluctuations that occurred ever since we arrived to this universe.

Information flashes across the large screen. Camera views of the corridors and other parts of the ship.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
What did you see?

LEO CAESIUS backs up the images, what is shown is a shot of KEIRA KNIGHTLY making laps around a pool.

LEO CAESIUS
This does nothing for our search.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No, I’m not gay. I’m just saying we have a mission.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Of course, if I had the chance I’d
make sweet monkey love to her.
But this is not what we’re here for.
We need to-

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I said. I’m not gay!

LEO CAESIUS continues with the scanning through the videos, until he studdenly stops.

LEO CAESIUS
Aha, here it is!

The screen shows the image of EVOVLEDSAURIAN.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No. that’s not how gay people dress.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I’ve never seen Kit dress like that.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No, I’ve never had sex with him.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I’m sure it was a special moment in your life.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I don’t see what this has to do with anything?

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Well, next time quit going on tangents.
(looks at video)
Hmm.. It seems this individual somehow
teleported the crew off the ship, after
stunning them with some kind of device.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I don’t think you can knock people
unconscious with overly bright clothing.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Nor with gayness.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
According to the scans, It seems that harpoon
that was attached to the ship was actually a ship
itself A tiny vehicle that managed to get through
our shields, teleport this person on board, and
with some kind of stealth technology sneak
around the ship.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I’m just making this up as I go along.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
The crew were teleported off ship.
(hits a few buttons)
As you can see here, a ship is
recorded on the sensors as arriving
out of a vortex. They were then
teleported over and the ship left.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I’m still trying to figure that out.
I think they just deep-fry the whole thing.
(shakes head)
Whomever took the crew seems to have
called in a ship from a different universe.
The thing with multitverse communicators
is that they have to use a high powered
transmission signal, which is generally easy
to detect, especially when you have
sensors running all the time. If we can
find out where the signal went to call in the
ship, then we can potentially discover where
the crew was taken, since the logical
conclusion would be that the ship originated
from the location where they were going.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, it does seem a bit Star Trekish, but it’ll work.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Because I’m Leo Caesius.
That’s why it’ll work.

LEO CAESIUS types upon the computer for a bit.

LEO CAESIUS
Here we go.
(brings up information)
This universe, according to the maps
we bought from that guy in the Hub, it’s
a universe controlled by the Great Achaean Empire
which controls 1000 worlds.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, Luakel. I’m sure you could
conqueror a 1000 worlds too.
(pats Luakel’s robot head)

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Right. Right.
(beat)
Well, we have a good guess as to where t
hey’ve gone. Now we shall attempt a rescue.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
(Preplexed)
Daring Commando Raid?

INT. – SLAVE SHIP – CELL – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is chained up against a wall. Beside him are the rest of the crew, all looking a bit tired.

DIAMOND
Y’know this whole being sold as sex slaves thing kinda sucks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really? I hadn’t noticed.

DIAMOND
Just,y’know, tell it how it is.

LANDSHARK
Oh, shut up you blithering Yank.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sharky’s right.

WEAPON M
We need to find a way to escape this place.

DOCTOR WHAT
They didn’t take Leo and Luakel.
They could rescue us.

EVERYONE laughs.

WEAPON M
I’m being serious here.

MATT
I seriously don’t wanna engage in any kind of man love.
Well, not when I’m ain’t drunk, that is.

KIT
I’m sure it’s not going to be all that bad.
I mean, oiled up Greeks.
(grins)

MATT
I’m sure they’re probably fat garrison troops
from some inbred eastern European country.

KIT
(shrugs)
I’ve done worse.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, let us out of here!

GUARD
Shut up!

DOCTOR WHAT
Guess that didn’t work.

WEAPON M
Well, Kit. It’s time you use your
gaysexual skills to get us out of
another bind.

KIT
(sighs)
As usual.
(gets up and walks to cell door)
Hey, boys, fancy testing out the wares before we get shipped
off to some sad little legion in the middle of nowhere?

The GUARDS look interested by the prospect.

Fade out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ARMORY – DAY

LEO CAESIUS and LUAKELBOT are standing before the Armory doors.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
yes, I know the combination to the lock.
I’m all knowing.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
What are you going ot do with
the militia babes calendars?
You’re a robot.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No we’re not going in guns ablazing,
you don’t have any arms.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No, I don’t think I could make you some.
I’m not an engineer.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No, I think Dave couldn’t open a can if he had
instructions and the can was a pull top kind.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, I do like the color blue.
Now let’s get this show on the road.

INT. – ANOTHER CELL – DAY

G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are still sitting in their cell.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I spy with my little eye-

G.BONE
(bored)
Your penis.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it! How do you keep getting it right?

G.BONE
It’s been your penis the last thirty times!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(snorting)
You think I can’t come up with something better?
I spy with my little eye
(G.Bone sighs)

Fade out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ARMORY –

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Well, I haven’t decided how to take the weapons to the crew yet.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
What me? Blast my way to them.
(chuckles)
Don’t be deluded, Luakel.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I’d like to see you try doing that without a penis.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I already said I can’t build you one.
(beat)
hey, I think I can solve that…

LEO CAESIUS walks over to LUAKELBOT and lifts the top of his head off.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Ha, I knew it.
You’re hollow on the inside!

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
My guess is that it doesn’t take
much to make a robot of you?
(shrugs)
Now I know how to sneak the weapons to the crew.
(begins shoving guns into Luakel)

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

EXT. –SPACE – DAY

The AH.com ship pops out of a vortex.

Pan the Camera and we see a large ship above a planet.

INT. –AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LEO CAESIUS
Ah, I was correct.
That is the ship that took the crew.
(checks scans)
Yes. It doesn’t have it’ shields up.
(checks scan)
But I can’t seem to penetrate it’s hull with our sensors.
We’ll have to find them when we get aboard.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
We’ll find a way.
If the crew can do this on a weekly basis,
then I’m sure my vast intellect can rescues
them from the hands of some nefarious people.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Well, you’re my plucky little sidekick.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No, that doesn’t mean I have sex with you.
Alright, time to teleport over.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, Daring Commando Raid.
(grins)

INT. – CELL

KIT walks back into the Cell, grinning.

GUARD
A shame you’re being sold
to some wannabe soldiers.
We could have had more fun.

The cell door closes.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell Kit”
You’ve been gone for two hours?
Why aren’t we free?

KIT
Three words.
Hot. Greek. Oiled. Soldiers.

IRONYUPPIE
I knew it was a bad thing to
send a man to do a woman’s job.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
We must flee this place, Dave
cannot stand this place anymore!

Pan to DAVE HOWERY rocking back and forth on the floor.

WEAPON M
So any ideas on how to escape?

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
I need some scotch.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

There’s pop and LEO CAESIUS and LUAKELBOT suddenly appear.

LEO CAESIUS
See, easy.

Suddenly an alarm goes off.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Well….

Suddenly lasers are fired at them. From down the corridor swarm men in white body armor carrying laser rifles. They begin firing upon LEO CAESIUS and LUAKELBOT.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Just run damn it!

They flee.

INT. – SLAVE SHIP –BRIDGE – DAY

EVOLVEDSAURIAN is lounging upon a couch eating a bowl of olives.

ALT LUAKEL is standing looking at a computer.

ALT. LUAKEL
You know your ship has been penetrated.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
I’ve done that before too.

ALT. LUAKEL
No, there are two individuals
who’ve teleported to your ship.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Meh. I’ll have the hired goons deal with it.

ALT. LUAKEL
They best no disturb the slaves.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Fine. Fine.
I’ll deal with this.
(gets up)
But it’s costing you extra.

ALT. LUAKEL
I’m not paying you to get invaders off your ship.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
(storming off)
Bastard.

ALT LUAKEL shakes his head and follows.

INT. – SLAVE SHIP – ROOM – DAY

LEO CAESIUS and LUAKELBOT race into a room and close the door.

LEO CAESIUS
I think we lost them.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Well, we turned a corner and ducked into a room.
So I think we lost them.

LEO CAESIUS looks around.

LEO CAESIUS
I think we’ve found what we need.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
No, not porn.
A computer room.

Show the room filled with computer equipment, showing various parts of the ship.

LEO CAESIUS walks to a console and begins bringing up information.

LEO CAESIUS
They’re being held into two cells.
G.Bone and Psycho are being held in one and Doc
and the others are being held in another.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Yeah, I feel sorry for G.Bone,
being cooped up with Psycho.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I’m not sure how we’ll get to them.
The ship just raised shields once we got on.
So there’s no teleporting.

LEO CAESIUS looks around nad sees a locker. He opens it.

LEO CAESIUS
I think I have an idea.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Do you know how much
a hooker costs these days?

INT. –SLAVE SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

EVOLVEDSAURIAN AND ALT LUAKEL are walking down a corridor.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
What do you mean you lost them?
How can you lose them???

INT. –SLAVE SHIP – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

A FIGURE peeks around a corner, then walks around it. It’s LEO CAESIUS stuffed into an ill fitting white body armor of the guards. Behind him rolls LUAKELBOT, a breastplate duct taped to his trash bin body and a helmet duct taped to the top of it.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Of course it’ll work.

A troop of guards move down the corridor. One stops.

GUARD
You. Have you seen two robots around here?

LEO CAESIUS
Um… no?

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

GUARD
Damn, they can’t have just disappeared.
(shakes head)
Thanks guys.

The GUARDS keep moving on.

LEO CAESIUS
See, I’m a genius.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Maybe it’s due to inbreeding or incompetence.

INT. – SLAVE SHIP – CELL – DAY

The cell door opens and LUAKELBOT and LEO CAESIUS walk into it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Please!
Please!
Please!
We don’t’ wanna become sex slaves!
(throws himself at Leo’s feet)

WEAPON M
(sighs)
Guess it’s the last option.
(throws himself at Leo’s feet)
Please!

The rest of the crew follow suit.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
I… I don’t know.
They must be drugged or something.

LUAKELBOT
BEEP!

LEO CAESIUS
Or Drunk.
(pulls off helmet)
Doc, it’s me! Leo!

MICHAEL
He lies!
He’ll have sex with us, just you watch!

LEO CAESIUS
No it is me! I beamed over from the ship
and came to rescue you guys.

DOCTOR WHAT
How? I mean.. you’re Leo.

LEO CAESIUS
I do more than just scan planets and
categorize your porn collection.

DOCTOR WHAT
Like what?

LEO CAESIUS
I think we should all go now.
They’ve erected their shields and we’ll
have to find a control room to disable them.

DIAMOND
Hehe. He said erect.

LEO CAESIUS
G.Bone and Psychomeltdown
are in a cell not too far from here.

MICHAEL
Poor G.Bone. stuck with Psychomeltdown.

WEAPON M
We don’t have weapons.

LEO CAESIUS
I brought these.
(lifts the top of Luakelbot’s robot head)

WEAPON M
I love you so much right now, Leo.

MATT
Gotta give some love to BFGs.

WEAPON M
I do. Every night.

DAVE HOWERY suddenly stands up.

DAVE HOWERY
You got my chainsaw?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes.

DAVE HOWERY grabs the chainsaw, starts it.

DAVE HOWERY
I’m gonna have me some fun
(grins)
I’m gonna have me some fun.

DAVE HOWERY runs out of the cell.

LEO CAESIUS
Where is he going?
Come back!
You can’t just run off!

DOCTOR WHAT
(puts hand on Leo’s shoulder)
Let him go.
Let him go.
He needs to do this.

INT. – ANOTHER CELL – DAY

There’s the sounds of fighting and explosions.

G.BONE gets up as the door to the cell explodes open. WEAPON M is standing there.

WEAPON M
Right, kiddies. Let’s blow this joint.

G.BONE
Oh thank god.

DIAMOND
Hehe. He said blow.

LEO CAESIUS
There’s a computer control room three
corridors from here. But heavily defended.

MATT
Not to worry, we’ll take care of it.

INT. – CORRIDOR – DAY

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
What do you mean they escaped?
They killed how many?

ALT. LUAKEL
I assume you mean the slaves?

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Well find them.
Kill them!

ALT. LUAKEL
Well, I’m not buying dead slaves from you.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
I know a world where necrophilia is practiced.
Come, lets go.

Suddenly there’s a roar of a chainsaw. DAVE HOWERY suddenly stands in the corridor before them.

DAVE HOWERY
(panting heavily)
Remember me?

ALT. LUAKEL
I wasn’t really interested in you face, was I?

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
The roar of the chainsaw does
seem to make him aroused.

ALT. LUAKEL
A sad attempt at one.

EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Step back slave!
I am your master!

DAVE HOWERY
I’m gonna have me some fun!

DAVE HOWERY charges them.

We hear EVOLVEDSAURIAN screaming.

Fade out.

INT. – SLAVE SHIP – COMPUTER ROOM – DAY

LEO CAESIUS
Shields are down.

WEAPON M
Bombs set.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get the hell out of here!

With a pop they all vanish.

EXT.- SPACE – DAY

We see the slave ship explode.

Pan to the AH.com ship, a vortex is opened and the ship flees.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY

TORQUMADA is looking into a monitor.

DOCTOR WHAT walks in.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s up doc?

TORQUMADA
Hey, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dave feeling better?

TORQUMADA
Gave him the Luakel treatment.

DOCTOR WHAT
Took his brain out?

TORQUMADA
Buried his memories under
a lot of drugs and mind control.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well Luakel came out all right, didn’t he?

LUAKELBOT rolls into the med bay, a wheel wobbling and finally popping off. There’s a screech and LUAKELBOT falls to it’s side, wheels spinning pathetically.

TORQUMADA
Yup. He came out all right.

DOCTOR WHAT
Though I’m wondering how Dave got him aboard?

Pan to another bed and we see ALT LUAKEL.

TORQUMADA
G.Bone didn’t tell you?

DOCTOR WHAT
What?

TORQUMADA
He said when two people, especially in an
emergency teleport out, are in such close
proximity, basically skin touching one another,
the computer can’t really identify the difference
between the two different people so it’ll just
teleport them both.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm.. he must have been
strangling him or something.

TORQUMADA
It only occurs when sixty percent or more of
each person’s body is in contact with one another.

DOCTOR WHAT
And that means?

TORQUMADA looks at DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really?
Dave?

TORQUMADA
He’s got a strange sense of revenge.
He sawed up the other guy and with this one…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, Dave’s never been right in the head.

TORQUMADA
So what do you want me
to do with the other Luakel?

DOCTOR WHAT
Dunno.

TORQUMADA
I have an idea.
(grins)

From beneath the table he pulls out a wicked looking contraption. He then drags LUAKELBOT over.

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

TIGHT on set of closed eyes. They open and flutter.

TORQUMADA
How are you doing Luakel?

Pull back and we see the ALT LUAKEl, but it’s not the ALT. LUAKEL. It’s:.

LUAKEL
What?
I have a body?

TORQUMADA
Yup.

LUAKEL
How?

TORQUMADA
Does it matter?

LUAKEL
(digs under blanket)
Whew.
Nope.

TORQUMADA
Good.

LUAKEL
It’s the other Luakel’s body right?

TORQUMADA shrugs.

LUAKEL
what happened to the other Luakel?

TORQUMADA
Does it matter?

LUAKEL
(digs under blanket)
Nope.

TORQUMADA
Oh, jeez. Wait ‘til I get out of the room at least!

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

We see a cylindrical object slowly spinning.

It’s the trash bin bot.

ALT. LUAKEL
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS