AH.com: The Series

TEASER

MONTAGE

MERRYPRANKSTER and DRACONIS_NOIR playing cards.

MERRYPRANKSTER, DUQUESNE, and DRACONIS_NOIR playing HALO on a big-screen TV in the CF.net lounge.

MERRYPRANKSTER, DUQUESNE, DRACONIS_NOIR, and N_RED wandering through the Hub, oohing and awing.

The CF shuttle retreating towards the damaged CF ship. Particle beams slash into it.

The CF shuttle burning, falling towards the desert floor. There’s a massive explosion…

SARAH and AHMED escorted through the CF.net by MERRYPRANKSTER, who shows them all the gadgets.

The frozen corpses of SARAH and AHMED, still clinging to each other, floating in deep space

A tall slender Asian woman rushes away from MERRYPRANKSTER, weeping. MERRY follows, pleading, but is ignored. He turns towards the CF.net ship, where ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS is waiting.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS
(dream-like voice)
You wimp! Just pick her up and carry her aboard!
She’ll stop crying eventually.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(sadness turning to rage)
SHUT UP!

Fast as lightning, he draws his katana and strikes ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS on the side of the head with the flat of the blade. ROMULUS goes down. MERRY climbs up the ramp as if he is going to abandon his subordinate, looks back towards ROMULUS, sighs, and drags him aboard.

The sounds of gunshots, blood pooling, and the angry face of LUAKEL standing over him.

INT. MERRYPRANKSTER’S QUARTERS, CF.NET SHIP

MERRYPRANKSTER wakes up screaming. He lies on his back, eyes wide with fright. His breathing slowly returns to normal.

His face twists in fury.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE DUEL ON THE LAVA PLANET”

Written By : MERRYPRANKSTER

ACT I

INT. – THE HUB – THE PUB – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting at a bar that is not the Ouroboros, sipping an umbrella drink. He looks around and can see others watching him, pointing at him and talking in hushed voices.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering to himself)
Bad idea coming back here.
Damn Grey and his “We need to make amends” speech.
Where the hell is he anyway?
(shakes head)

A MYSTERIOUS STRANGER in a cloak and hood approaches. He reaches forward and taps DOCTOR WHAT on the shoulder.

DOCTOR WHAT looks surprised. He spins around and sees that the stranger is IAN.

IAN shushes him before he can speak.

IAN
We need to talk

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah. I think we need to.
IAN , I’m so-

IAN
Not about that.

DOCTOR WHAT is somewhat surprised.

DOCTOR WHAT
But-

IAN rolls his eyes.

IAN
As I’ve said repeatedly, I’m not holding what happened against you.
You’d be surprised how many people get taken over and controlled
by the ASBs o wreck havoc in places the can’t go.
(beat)
Still, if you absolutely must do something
to redeem yourself, I have a plan. I need you to do something for me.

He begins whispering in DOCTOR WHAT’s ear.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

The AH.commers are assembled. They’re all chattering excitedly about something. DOCTOR WHAT walks to the front of the large circular table.

DOCTOR WHAT
(clears throat)
I was down at the pub, and
guess who showed up?

HENDRYK
(excited)
It is a sign! The Dark Lady who killed WHAT
and fulfilled the prophecies has returned…

DOCTOR WHAT shushes him.

DOCTOR WHAT
No. It was IAN .

The group falls silent.

DIAMOND
I see he didn’t kick your ass,
so it must be a good thing. Right?
Or are you dead and a ghost haunting
this ship, ‘cause that’d be lame.

DOCTOR WHAT
No. He said we were forgiven.

GREY WOLF
See, I told you he’d see reason.

OTHNIEL
Ian is very compassionate and understanding.
If I didn’t know better I’d think he was following WWJD.

DOCTOR WHAT
He offered us a job.

HENDRYK
Good. We’ve been running low on cash.
Someone’s been dipping into it for and
using it for shopping trips to the Hub.

Everyone looks at LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
Wasn’t me this time, arsehats.
Was the ham fisted engineer we have.

Everyone looks at DAVE HOWERY.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, my girl likes shiny things.
Especially when they shine of gold.

OTHNIEL
What do we need to do?

DOCTOR WHAT
IAN needs us to go to an abandoned ASB
outpost and retrieve a super-weapon.

The assembled crew is silent for a long moment.

MICHAEL
So this is some kind of crap mission based sci fi game now?
What next, we go hunting for magical stones from some lost civilization?
Will we get bonus points if we complete this mission fast?3
What will the boss be like at the end of the level?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(ignoring Michael)
Are you sure that’s a good idea…considering
what happened last time we got involved with the ASBs?

LEO CAESIUS
The world has a 99.5% chance
of being abandoned by the ASBs.
(beat)
A Hub scout has already reconnoitered it.
However, they don’t want to send
a large fleet to take possession of
the weapon for fear of tipping the ASBs off.

DOCTOR WHAT draws a data cartridge from his pocket and plugs it into the ship’s console. The image of a black fiery planet studded with ancient metallic structures appears on the central plasma screen.

LEO CAESIUS
Here’s the place.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(unhappy at the idea of going there)
Jeez, a lovely little hellhole, ain’t it?

DOCTOR WHAT
If we can get the weapon before the ASBs can activate it,
it could help the Hub immensely.

MATT
What sort of weapon is it?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
IAN described it as “blood-drinking
mega-weapon capable
of wiping out entire armies if kept
adequately fed with human sacrifices.”
(shakes his head)
Eew, eew, eew.

WEAPON M
Just curious…where IS this place?
It’s surely not an alternate Earth.
Seems a bit small and it don’t got a moon.

LEO CAESIUS
It’s located in a TL where the Mars-sized
body that struck the Earth and carved out
the Pacific instead hit Mars and merged with
the planet rather than blowing it apart.
Mars is now larger and is more geologically active,
but for some reason has a breathable atmosphere.

LANDSHARK
Oh, bloody joy. We get to traipse about Mars?
I’ve got nothing that will match!

Video of the ASB facility appears on screen. The facility is an ancient complex of black stone buildings built in non-Euclidean patterns that make the eyes hurt. A volcano erupts in the background.

DOCTOR WHAT
IAN has some friends here that are coming to help replace
some of our systems, upgrade them, and all that.. We should be
ready to go in four hours.

DAVE HOWERY
Excellent. I love it when Uncle Ian makes free with the help.
I can get that damned Chinese Swing installed in my quarters now.
(glares at Psychomeltdown and G.Bone)

DIAMOND
Alright, who wants to spend the
next few hours getting shit faced
in a strip joint before we head off
and find a magical blood powered
super weapon and most likely get
killed doing so.

The Crew all follow DIAMOND.

EXT. ORBIT OF THE ALTERNATE MARS – DAY

The AH.com ship Shifts into the orbit of the alternate Mars.

INT. AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LEO CAESIUS
The planet is not as unoccupied as we hoped.

The AH crew assembled in the Control Room look about uneasily..

DOCTOR WHAT
(panicking)
I thought the facility was abandoned!
Are there ASBs down there?

LEO CAESIUS
No. It’s the CF.net.

EXT. – THE ASB FACILITY – DAY

The CF.net ship sits next to the ASB facility, a morass of angles not adding up to 180 degrees and bizarre artwork. The hum of energy shielding fills the air.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

WARD, GRIMM REAPER, and MERRYPRANKSTER sit around a table. Three-dimensional holographic schematics of the super-weapon float above the table. It is apparent that MERRYPRANKSTER and GRIMM REAPER have been arguing.

GRIMM REAPER
(sneering)
Why the hell do you care?
Afraid you’ll get picked to feed the machine?

MERRYPRANKSTER
All this is unnecessary!
(beat)
As you know, the weapon apparently
requires five quarts of blood per use,
from the same donor. That’s one
person’s entire blood supply.

GRIMM REAPER
Yeah, just one person. We’ve got plenty of people aboard
the ship. one or two fewer won’t make a difference.
(grins evilly)
We functioned just fine after WARD whacked
those little traitors you commanded.

MERRYPRANKSTER grinds his teeth. It’s obvious that was meant to hurt, and it did.

MERRYPRANKSTER
The information we have does not say that blood
necessarily has to be taken from someone living.

GRIMM REAPER
Your point?

MERRYPRANKSTER
The point is…

GRIMM REAPER
Sir. I’m second in command.

MERRYPRANKSTER
The point, sir , is that we can probably go raid a morgue
for corpses and drain their blood. If we’re in a TL where they’ve
never invented embalming, we can probably raid graveyards.

WARD chooses this moment to interject.

WARD
Shut the hell up, both of you.
You bicker like damned little children.
Use your head, Grimm, and think.
Merry, quit being such a whining little shit
We got hold of this weapon and
if the time comes to use if, then we’ll do
what is necessary to activate it.
If What comes, or the ASB, or Ian,
or anybody.

MERRYPRANKSTER
But sir, how likely are they to come here ? With the exception of that
business with the Devourer, their general M.O. is to run away from us,
not come to us.

WARD
Not paying attention to details and not anticipating
possible outcomes is why I’m in command and you’re not.

It takes a visible effort on MERRYPRANKSTER’s part to keep his expression neutral, but he does.

WARD
I know the chance of it happening is small,
but they could drop in. I want to be
ready for them if they do, since if they detect us,
they’ll likely run away. They’re coming here
in the first place will mean they were directed here,
their running away will mean that they’re running
to tell someone we’re here. Which means Ian.
Which means the ASB will know. Which means
we’ll be shit outta luck when either one of those
come after us. I ain’t putting much faith in the
super weapon, I’ve seen too many of them
not work when you need ‘em.
(beat)
Still, I’ll consider both of your ideas. I’m not
gonna sacrifice good crew unnecessarily.
(to MerryPrankster)
Get the hell outta here..

MERRYPRANKSTER slinks out.

INT. CF.NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER walks down the corridor. DOMINUSNOVUS and FAEELIN catch up with him.

DOMINUSNOVUS
What’s going on in there? What’s he going to do?

FAEELIN
He’s been acting all weird since we got here
and found that weapon.

MERRYPRANKSTER turns to face them. We don’t see his expression but the two CF.netters do, and it scares them.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(gravely)
You two make yourself scarce. I have a sneaking
suspicion WARD’s going to do something very nasty.

MERRYPRANKSTER turns towards a hatch, which slides open to reveal the planetary surface. He exits the ship, leaving the two behind.

FAEELIN
You remember what happened
during the last battles with the Neanderthals?

DOMINUSNOVUS looks a little queasy.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Yeah…something bad is going to happen.
Took me damn near two months to finally
get my air vent working right.

MERRYPRANKSTER looks up towards the stars. Suddenly, he spots something fiery coming down. It gets larger as it approaches the ground, and MERRY can see the faint outlines of

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The ship is descending through the atmosphere.

CLOSE-UP: MERRYPRANKSTER

He narrows his eyes thoughtfully.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Now this could be useful indeed.

EXT. AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com ship has set down on the planet’s surface and the crew has set up shield generators. They’re now sitting around the campfire, laughing, drinking beer, and roasting marshmallows.

WEAPON M
So, did I ever tell you about…

EVERYONE
(groaning with exasperation)
The time you had a threesome?

WEAPON M
With two guys?

The assembled crew gasps with shock. KIT leans forward, a bit too interested.

KIT
Care for another?

WEAPON M looks ill.

WEAPON M
Just joking.

Meanwhile

EXT. – OUTSIDE THE AH.COM CAMPSITE – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER lurks in the shadows, watching the happy AH.commers with envious eyes. He reaches into the front pocket of his Hawaiian shirt and pulls out.

A SHARK’S TOOTH NECKLACE

He stares at the necklace.

KIMBERLY LIANG
(echoy flashback voice)
Keep it. It was a gift.
(beat)
It’s a reminder of who you used to be,
and who you could be again…

He sighs and replaces the necklace in his pocket. Then he steps out of the shadows into the firelight.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER is not met with open arms. Within seconds, he’s got enough AH.com firepower aimed at him to level a small city.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Boo.
(beat)
Don’t worry. I come in peace.
If I wanted bloodshed,
I wouldn’t be this obvious.

The AH.commers don’t look convinced.

DOCTOR WHAT
What do you want?

MERRYPRANKSTER
I’ve come to propose an alliance.
Just like back when MIKE and MOLOBO
showed up and wrecked the Hub.

DOCTOR WHAT
You had WARD and the others with you
last time. Where are they now?

MERRYPRANKSTER
I’m here representing three people.
Me, myself, and I.
(beat)
Well, and the best interests
of the CF.net crew as a whole.

DOCTOR WHAT
(laughs)
Fuck the CF.net crew.
I hope they all die painful, painful deaths.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(frowning)
As you no doubt suspect, WARD found the weapon.
And he wants to use it. On y’all.

DOCTOR WHAT
You want to stop it. Why?

MERRYPRANKSTER
He’s been talking about sacrificing crew to feed it.
(beat)
Well, GRIMM has, and
I think WARD is beginning to agree.

DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON M exchange glances.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Therefore, it’s time to take action.
(beat)
I suspect support for a second mutiny
from the rest of the crew will not be forthcoming, so…

WEAPON M
You turned to us, to fight your battles for you.

MERRYPRANKSTER snorts.

MERRYPRANKSTER
For assistance. I assure you, none of us aboard
the CF.net need anyone to fight our battles for us.
We do quite well on our own.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait… second mutiny against WARD?

MERRYPRANKSTER
The first one did not…go well.
(beat)
Let’s leave it at that.
(He shudders.)

MATT
I saw we kill this asshat right
here where he stands.
Then we bomb the fuck outta
Ward and the rest of the CF.netters.

WEAPON M
Gotta agree with Matt on this one.
Like you said, Doc, fuck the Cf.net.
If they wanna kill off some of their own crew,
it’s all the better for us. Just
means we’ll have less to kill later.

MATT
I think we’re all over looking the
fact that this bastard kicked our
asses and cut Luakel in half. That
in itself deserves a little death for him.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Fine .
(beat)
I understand your hesitation.

DOCTOR WHAT
Matt, Lee, Grey, I need to talk to you.

DOCTOR WHAT and the others walk off a distance. There are plenty of arm raising, yelling, and finally they come back. MATT and WEAPON M looking a bit dejected.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re listening.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(nods)
Alright. I have a plan.

EXT. CF.NET SHIP

MERRYPRANKSTER makes his way back to the CF.net landing zone. WARD is waiting there.

WARD
Don’t wander off boy. You might come back
to find your job belonging to someone else and
whatever passes for worms on this hellhole in need of food.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Understood, sir.

WARD
What’s that smell?
(narrows his eyes)
You stink of WHAT.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I was just about to tell you. The AH.com has landed nearby.
It seems you were correct that they just might drop in.

WARD nods to himself, looking at the horizon.

WARD
Where are they?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Two miles to the southeast. They’ve set up
shields, so we’ll have to attack them on foot.

WARD’s grin becomes even more evil.

WARD
Excellent.
(beat)
We’ll deploy the device against them tomorrow.

He turns and boards the ship leaving MERRY standing alone. MERRY is looking very, very scared.

EXT. – NEAR THE CF.NET LANDING ZONE – MORNING

The AH.commers approach the CF.net shield.

MATT
All right. MERRY said that he’s disabled the alarms connected to the
shield generators. We’ll be able to pass through without alerting anyone.

He steps forward and plants a device close to the shield. He presses a button and bolts of electricity surge into the shield. Slowly, a gap opens up. MATT holds his breath, waiting to see if the CF.netter kept his promise.

Nothing happens. He leaps through the shield, BFG forward. Nothing happens.

DOCTOR WHAT approaches the shield. He passes through the gap.

DOCTOR WHAT
It works.

He leaps back through the gap.

DOCTOR WHAT
They can’t detect us! This is so cool!

MATT clears his throat.

MATT
Let’s not tempt fate.

EXT. – CF.NET SHIP—MORNING

The CF.net crew, with the notable exception of the Engineering group, is assembled in front of the ASB complex. WARD stands at a podium in front of the vaulted entrance, GRIMM REAPER stands at his right and MERRYPRANKSTER at his left.

WARD
The death of WHAT and the complete
annihilation of the AH.commers is nigh!
Those hippies are encamped mere miles
from our position, and are completely unaware!
(raises fist in the air)
Once the engineering crew tears that
weapon out of that mountainside, we go to war!

The assembled CF.netters roar with adulation.

Then MERRYPRANKSTER makes his move.

Quick as lightning, he draws his pistol and opens fire on WARD.

Slow motion follow: the bullets towards WARD. Suddenly, a great black form leaps in their path, and the bullets punch through the black outer layer to bury themselves in flesh.

GRIMM REAPER hits the ground at WARD’s feet. He’d thrown himself into the path of the bullets, taking the shots in the torso. He lays still, blood trickling from his mouth. WARD turns, and looks un-amused to see GRIMM bleeding at his feet. MERRYPRANKSTER remains cool. He scowls, unhappy that he missed his intended victim.

CLOSE-UP: WARD’S FACE

His shock turns to rage.

WARD
You…treacherous…little…piece…of

EXT. – THE ASB COMPLEX – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER isn’t intimidated by the commander’s rage.

MERRYPRANKSTER
How about you tell them about your little plan,
you evil old bastard? Tell them about it!
I think they all need to hear!

WARD
(salmly fold arms across chest)
Which one? Unlike you, I’ve always
got a backup plan.

MERRYPRANKSTER
The one about a lottery, with the lucky
winner being fed to the alien weapon.
(beat)
Of course, you and GRIMM weren’t going to be
participating in the lottery, only the minions .

Gasps of horror ripple through the CF.net crowd.

WARD
(laughs)
You really thought I’d do that?
Feed crew to some thing ?
(beat)
That’s what civvies are for. Especially politicians .

MERRYPRANKSTER raises an eyebrow.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You have been known.
(raises voice)
Come on people! If we don’t do
something now, he’s going
to feed us one by one to that evil thing
the engineering crew is pulling out the ASB base.
(beat)
Who’s with me!

No one steps forward.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(surprised)
But…
(snorts with disdain)
Figures. Bunch of frakking weaklings.

WARD
You self righteous little shit.
Don’t you think they remember your last little ‘coup’?
(beat)
This batch ain’t as stupid as the last one, kid.

MERRYPRANKSTER’s eyes narrow and his expression goes neutral.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Well then, if you want to do something right,
you’ve got to do it yourself.

WARD
(cold as ice)
There will be no mercy this time.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Agreed.

MERRYPRANKSTER raises his gun. Before he can shoot, WARD pulls out his .357 and fires from the hip. The shots smash smashes MERRY’s gun.

Unfazed, MERRYPRANKSTER draws his sword. WARD only grins, reholsters his gun and picks up GRIMM’s scythe.

WARD
Fucking punk kids.

“The Duel” begins.

The reactions of the CF.net crew are mixed. Most of them are terrified. BULGAROKTONOS watches, calculating the odds. ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS stands to the side, God-modding, as usual.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS
I leap into battle…I kick MERRYPRANKSTER in the crotch.
WARD beats him to death and gives me all his stuff…

However, he makes no move to assist WARD and the battle continues.

EXT – BEHIND A NEARBY RIDGE – DAY

The AH.commers watch the battle.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now’s our chance!
If you get the shot, kill them both.

MATT
My kind of plan.
(grins)

EXT. THE CF.NET LANDING ZONE – DAY

The AH.commers boil over the ridge, guns blazing. The CF.netters spin and open fire. A large battle begins.

DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, and KIT slip into the ASB complex.

DOCTOR WHAT
we find this weapon, disable it,
and get the hell out of here.

KIT
Why don’t I have a gun?

LANDSHARK
You’re just here to make us
look good while we kick arse.

KIT
Always glad to be of service.

They enter the complex. KIT suddenly trips over something, crashing against the door. There’s deep sound of something being tripped.

The AH.commers look at one another.

EXT. – THE ASB COMPLEX – DAY

Alarms begin going off. All combatants—AH and CF alike—freeze and look at the facility.

The grinding of gears begins echoing from within the complex.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

EXT. THE ENTRYWAY

Red eyes glow in the darkness. One by one, ROBOTIC SOLDIERS begin tramping out into the faint glare of the distant sun. MIDGARD, who has taken cover behind a stalagmite, is incredulous.

MIDGARD
Shit…those weren’t statues?

EXT. THE ASB COMPLEX

MATT looks up from the fallen SCARECROW.

MATT
Oh crap.

The robots—fast-moving things studded with blades and wielding swords and lasers—begin attacking all humans indiscriminately.

INT. THE ASB COMPLEX – DAY

The AH.commers are in a dark maze illustrated with bizarre alien art. Most of it is incomprehensible, and the stuff that the human mind can fathom is downright scary.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. Did LEO supply maps of
the interior of the fortress?

Everyone shakes their head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it.

Then, suddenly, other voices intrude on the scene.

VOICE #1
Are you sure you silenced the beacon?

VOICE #2
You’re damn right I am.
I saw what the ASBs did to the Hub.

DOCTOR WHAT silently gestures towards the source of the sound.

KIT
Let’s get the thing and get out of here.
These non-Euclidean angles are giving me vertigo.

INT. THE CRYPT OF THE ALIEN WEAPON

The alien weapon—an obsidian monstrosity with lots of hooks and sharp angles—is connected to the wall by a series of cables. FORTYSEVEN and KILNGIRL are hard at work disconnecting the weapon from its tomb.

The AH.commers burst in, weapons drawn. The CF.netters are clearly outmatched and surrender easily.

DOCTOR WHAT
That was easy.
(to the CF.netters)
Thanks for excavating the thing.
We’ll be taking it now.

EXT. – ASB COMPLEX – DAY

Things are getting ugly . The AH-CF battle has quickly turned into “all humans against the ASB robots.”

The humans are not without success. MATT and WEAPON M have swept their section of the field clean with their various heavy weapons. ROMULUS_AUGUSTUS has taken down several ROBOTIC SOLDIERS with head-shots from his big Soviet pistol. MIDGARD furiously riffs on his guitar, causing ROBOTIC SOLDIERS to explode left and right.

Robots keep marching out of the complex, and not all human hatreds have been quenched…

MERRYPRANKSTER has just torn his oil-drenched samurai sword free of a ROBOTIC SOLDIER’s torso. He spots WARD, who has just sliced off the head of another ROBOTIC SOLDIER with GRIMM’s scythe.

Their eyes meet. Their gazes twist with fury. They begin hacking their way through ROBOTIC SOLDIERS, AH, and CF to face each other.

They collide at

THE RIM OF A LAVA CANYON

“The Duel” begins again.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS has an inspiration.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS
The AH.commers went into the complex just before
the robots came alive. DOMINUS, FAEELIN,
you take them from the rear.

FAEELIN
If they went inside, the robots in there
have already killed them.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Yeah. And I’m not taking anything from the rear.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS glares.

ROMULUS_AUGUSTULUS
I load my big Soviet pistol. I chamber some rounds…

BOTH CF.NETTERS
All right we’ll go!

INT. – THE ALIEN WEAPON CHAMBER

The CF.NET ENGINEERS are tied up, and some of their ropes are tied to the pins of grenades. IRONYUPPIE checks one of the knots one last time.

IRONYUPPIE
I won’t recommend struggling
too much if I were you.
Shrapnel can leave a nasty mark.

She gives KILNGIRL a kiss. Then she turns to LANDSHARK.

IRONYUPPIE
All right, let’s get this monster moving.

Both of them bend down to grab corners.

IRONYUPPIE
On the count of three. One…

LANDSHARK
Two…

BOTH AT THE SAME TIME
Three!

They both hoist the alien weapon off the ground.

Meanwhile, DOCTOR WHAT has been staring at the weapon’s shiny surface.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wow. I can see myself in it.

DOMINUSNOVUS and FAEELIN come up behind him. Their guns are drawn.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Dude, so can I. And I used to be soooo handsome
and now I’m ugly !!
(tear rolls down cheek)
Put that blood-drinking alien weapon system down now .

The AH.commers reluctantly obey. Then IRONYUPPIE gets an idea. She begins sidling towards DOMINUSNOVUS, slowly unzipping her flak jacket.

IRONYUPPIE
Well hello sailor.

DOMINUSNOVUS begins drooling. FAEELIN snorts with disdain.

FAEELIN
Your feminine wiles won’t work on me.

KIT begins approaching, unzipping his flak jacket.

KIT
How about my masculine wiles?

Now FAEELIN is distracted. DOCTOR WHAT sneaks around behind them and gives them a shove. They stumble forward, where LANDSHARK is waiting for them with his cricket bat. It only takes one swing to put both CF.netters on the ground, out cold.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. YUPPIE and SHARKY, get the weapon.
The rest of us will run interference.

EXT. THE RIM OF THE LAVA CANYON – DAY

The MERRY-WARD battle continues.

MERRYPRANKSTER knees WARD in the crotch. WARD doubles over and MERRYPRANKSTER raises his sword for the final blow…

WARD lunges. His shoulder hits MERRY’s gut and knocks him onto the ground. In seconds, WARD’s scythe is whistling downwards in a blow meant to cut MERRY’s head off.

MERRYPRANKSTER rolls to the side. WARD’s blow hits rock instead, and cracks it. The cracks run all the way to the edge of the canyon and a big piece of the canyon edge, with MERRYPRANKSTER on it, begins to slough off.

WARD
Bye-bye, you little shit.

MERRYPRANKSTER leaps off the falling rocks and the duel resumes.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE have managed to carry the alien weapon to the AH.com ship. Unfortunately, three of the ROBOTIC SOLDIERS have followed.

LANDSHARK
Crap.

A feral grin crosses IRONYUPPIE’s face.

IRONYUPPIE
Never fought a robot before.

LANDSHARK
Let’s go, love.

The ROBOTIC SOLDIERS growl menacingly and lunge. The two AH.commers lunge.

One of the ROBOTIC SOLDIERS bears down on LANDSHARK. It opens fire with slicing laser beams, amputating the top of his cricket bat. He stares at the smoking remnants of his weapon.

LANDSHARK
Shit!

He hurls what’s left of the bat into the ROBOTIC SOLDIER’s face. The creature’s head slews to the side and it staggers, but it quickly recovers. It starts chasing LANDSHARK around the ship.

IRONYUPPIE hurls her yo-yo, wrapping it around the robots’ arms and trapping them over the robot’s head. She sends enormous amounts of electricity pumping through the yo-yo. Smoke starts rising from the robot’s body.

Then the ROBOT SOLDIER rapidly yanks its arms sideways, ripping the yo-yo cable into several pieces.

IRONYUPPIE
Shit!

She starts running. The ROBOT SOLDIER pursues.

Suddenly, the AH.com ship opens fire. The ROBOT SOLDIER pursuing LANDSHARK is blown into tiny pieces, as is the robot soldier chasing IRONYUPPIE. Only the THIRD ROBOT SOLDIER, which is carrying off the alien weapon, remains untouched.

LANDSHARK
Hey! He’s getting away!

The cargo doors of the AH.com ship open up with a squealing of metal. THANDE jumps out with a BFG. He tosses it to IRONYUPPIE.

IRONYUPPIE
Not if I have anything to say about it.

EXT – A LAVA RIVER – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER and WARD continue to fight. Now they’re fighting from rock-to-rock across the lava river. WARD leaps from a rock onto a nearby hillside.

WARD
I have the high ground, MERRY. It’s over.
(beat)
Surrender now and I’ll make your death quick.

MERRYPRANKSTER snorts with disdain.

MERRYPRANKSTER
How stupid do you think I am, old man?

He hops from the rock onto the black sand beneath WARD. He looks up at the old warrior and chuckles grimly.

MERRYPRANKSTER (CONT’D)
I’ve seen the movie too.
The primary version, and the one
from the TL where it was actually good.
(beat)
How about you come down here?

EXT. THE ASB COMPLEX – DAY

Although IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, and THE DEVICE have managed to clear the scene, the ROBOTIC SOLDIERS have cut off the AH.commers’ retreat from the battle zone.

DOCTOR WHAT rolls to the side, avoiding a laser cutting beam from a ROBOTIC SOLDIER. He fires at it with a pistol. He misses. The ROBOTIC SOLDIER fires again. DOCTOR WHAT rolls to the side, although he’s a bit too slow and the laser burns the side of his face.

He fires again, and misses.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it!

He fires a third time and, through sheer luck, hits the ROBOTIC SOLDIER in its big red eye. The creature falls convulsing to the ground.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

IRONYUPPIE stands triumphant over the wrecked ROBOTIC SOLDIERS.

IRONYUPPIE
I love the smell of burned robot in the morning.

LANDSHARK steps forward.

LANDSHARK
We’ve got the device! Now we need
to teleport the others out of there!

LEO CAESIUS (on comm.)
The shields, remember? They’ll need to get out
of the battle zone before I do anything.

EXT. – THE LAVA RIVER – DAY

WARD did come down to fight MERRYPRANKSTER. He slowly forces MERRYPRANSKTER back across the river towards the ASB complex.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Need your minions to back you up?

WARD
Hardly.

They’re back on the other side of the river and moving upwards. The riverbank is becoming a cliff.

WARD
Cowardly, traitorous weakling.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Murderous despot.

WARD
(snorts)
You little fucker. If you ever had a heart of gold,
we would have sold it to buy weapons long ago.

Angered, MERRYPRANKSTER kicks WARD in the stomach, sending him stumbling toward the very edge of the cliff. MERRY steps forward, sword to WARD’s nose. The wind pulls the wide-brimmed military hat off WARD’s head. It flutters down into the lave river where it’s instantly reduced to ash.

EXT – THE CF.NET LANDING SITE – DAY

The AH.commers have managed to break the robotic encirclement and are rushing towards the hole in the shields.

ROBOTIC SOLDIERS follow.

DOCTOR WHAT
If we get to the edge of the shield,
LEO can teleport us home!

An ASB laser strikes the ground near his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Crap!

EXT. – THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER stands with his sword drawn at WARD.

MERRYPRANKSTER
You may be right, but that all ends.
Today.

WARD grins.

WARD
Why does everyone always stop to gloat?

He lashes out with his scythe, hooking it around MERRYPRANKSTER’s sword arm. He yanks. MERRY screams and his sword and a large portion of his arm go flying:

DOWN THE CLIFF

The sword and arm bounces off some rock outcroppings before it hits the lava and burns instantaneously.

EXT. EDGE OF THE CLIFF

MERRYPRANKSTER spits in WARD’s face. WARD kicks him in the chest. MERRYPRANKSTER topples backwards, over the edge of the cliff.

WARD steps forward, eager to watch MERRYPRANKSTER burn. But before he can get a glimpse, engines roar in the distance. He spins, to see the AH.com ship rising away from the planet’s surface.

WARD
(in his communicator)
Midgard, do they have the device?

EXT. THE ASB COMPLEX – DAY

The CF.netters have finished off the remaining ASB robots. MIDGARD spots the battered and bruised DOMINUS and FAEELIN leading the ENGINEERING CREW out of the complex.

MIDGARD
Yes sir, they do.

EXT. – THE EDGE OF THE LAVA CANYON – DAY

WARD
Shit.

He makes another call.

WARD
SCARECROW, teleport us aboard.
We’ve got some WHAT-killing to do.

EXT. THE LAVA PLANET – DAY

The AH.com ship rises towards space. Behind it is the CF.net ship.

Particle beams stab from the CF.net ship. AH.com shields flare, but after mere seconds, they fail.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The ship shakes, sparks erupting from the ceiling. Everyone panics.

DOCTOR WHAT
Shit! How’d the shields go down so fast?

LEO CAESIUS
Well, we used up a lot of power maintaining
the shields even after the attack on the CF.net began.
(beat)
Wasn’t my idea.

DOCTOR WHAT
I know, I know!
(beat)
How long until we can Shift?

LEO CAESIUS
Right now.

EXT. THE LAVA PLANET – DAY

The AH.com ship disappears.

END OF ACT II

TAG

EXT. THE HUB – DOCKS – DAY

Four CONSTRUCTS carry the DEVICE away. IAN shakes DOCTOR WHAT’s hand.

IAN
Good job.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you.
(beat)
Got more missions?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN groans with dismay. DOCTOR WHAT is completely oblivious.

DOCTOR WHAT (CONT’D)
We’d like to help out the war effort any way we can.

IAN
You know how powerful ASB ships are right?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, I know. They’d kill us like insects.
I’m talking about small efforts, like if you need
someone to grab some coffee for you or something.

DIAMOND
(groans)
Damn. Alright who wants to lead a coup?

INT. CF.NET SHIP – MED BAY – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER is unconscious and on life support. Pumpkin lies in a cat bed nearby, purring. WARD stands at the head of GRIMM REAPER’s bed.

WARD
Well done, Grimm.
Well done.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

EXT. – NEW YORK – STREET – NIGHT

We open onto a rather quiet street somewhere in New York City, the Beejees song ‘Night Fever’ is being played.

Its very late at night without a soul in sight, after a a brief bit of setting the scene two shadowy figures run into view from around a corner and the music sharply changes to something more befitting an action sequence.

The camera pans down to the two runners- they are LEEJ and GREY WOLF both in retro 70s getup (LEEJ with a afro and GREY/RETRO WOLF with a perm)

At around the halfway point of the street a mob of shadows can be seen coming from the same direction as the two men, ambling towards them as one.

RETRO WOLF
I believe ‘oh shit’ is the only
thing to say at a time like this.

Just as the two men reach the end of the street and are about to turn down another another mob appears in front of them

LEEJ
Woah! The cunts
are everywhere!

The two almost fall to the ground as they quickly turn around and run back the way they came. The camera stays pointing at this new mob however and we get a clear shot of a few of its members- they are all wearing tattered, blood stained clothes. Many have horrific looking wounds. They all walk with the same ambling gait and have the same vacant look on their faces. Occasionally a groan can be heard from one of them. Yup that’s right- they are zombies.

The two men almost run back into the first mob when a look of realization crosses their faces, seeing no other alternative they run down the only side alley on the street.
The camera stays at the bottom of the alley LEEJ and RETRO WOLF dashing towards it, a look of horror crosses their faces as soon as they get close enough; a change of camera angle shows why- its a dead end.

LEEJ
We’re doomed!!

The two men turn back down the alley fully prepared to meet their doom…They wait…And they wait. Eventually the two zombie hordes can be seen bumping into each other out on the main street. The two men’s demeanor has now changed to confusion, LEEJ looks up- and notices a fire escape.

LEEJ
Give us a boost up
there, mate.

RETRO WOLF
Eh?
(looking up)
Ah!

RETRO WOLF calmly cups his hands and LEEJ uses them to scramble onto the fire escape, once there he knocks down the ladder allowing RETRO WOLF to climb onto the above ground platform with him. Once there RETRO WOLF starts breathing heavily, regaining his breath. LEEJ simply begins to roll a spliff.

RETRO WOLF
Well that was unexpected…

LEEJ
Nah, my mam had a
incline something
like this would happen like.

RETRO WOLF
Your mother knew that
the dead would choose this
weekend to rise and
feast upon the living?

LEEJ
Well….Nah. But she did say
to be careful of gangs y’kna.

We fade out as the camera pans back down the alley where the incompetent zombies are finally beginning to head towards us.

ROLL OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“28 YEARS LATER”

Written By : LEEJ

ACT I

EXT- AIRPORT- DAY

Its a bright and sunny day in the airport of a tropical paradise. A familiar looking shuttle can be seen coming in for landing

INT-SHUTTLE-DAY

We get a wide shot of the shuttle from the front- LANDSHARK is piloting with OTHNIEL in the co-pilot seat. Behind them practically the whole crew is squeezed into the shuttle.

OTHNIEL
If there’s one thing common to
99% of all universes its that you
can’t beat Sierra Leone for top
quality vacations on a budget!

MICHAEL
Uh-huh!

Everyone else visible merely scowls.

The camera goes to a close range view of DR.WHAT and G.BONE- squeezed into a corner somewhere, their faces only barely visible.

DR.WHAT
So what was so special
about this world again that
Sierra Leone isn’t a war torn
third world mess?

G.BONE
err….something in the
1970s I think…err… Oy!
GBW! What’s the deal
with this world!

GBW
(muffled from off camera)
Jimmy Hendrix survived and
prog rock is the predominant
form of rock music up to the current day

G.BONE
Jimmy Hendrix survived
and prog rock is t…

DR.WHAT
Yeah, I heard….

EXT-AIRPORT RUNWAY-DAY

Most of the crew is all arrayed on the runway mostly doing basic stretches and thanking their deity’s that they are alive. MICHAEL is unloading the luggage from the shuttle assisted by several clumsy orange jump suited figures- who are also wearing what would be best described as gimp masks. DAVE HOWERY is also over with them examining the hover-trolley the luggage is being loaded onto. The camera settles on THANDE and LANDSHARK talking just outside the shuttle.

THANDE:
Come on Sharky! It’ll be fun!

LANDSHARK
No, no, honest its OK.
Me and IronYuppie
are just fine watching the ship

THANDE
Come on! Be the man!
Tell her to get herself down here!

LANDSHARK
OK, OK, I’ll level with you.
The true reason she isn’t
coming down here is….
Health issues. And…well you
know, I have to keep her company.

THANDE
Health issues? What health issues?
She looked fine to me this morning when she
rode you into the Mess Hall for breakfast. She
was laughing too, when I accidentally spilled my
scalding hot tea all over your crotchless trousers.

LANDSHARK
Its the leather. Leather and
tropical climates really don’t
go together well.

In the background we see MATT walking past- he over hears that last comment then shoves a hand down his trouser leg- he briefly mutters ‘Oh shit…’ and dashes back into the shuttle.

THANDE:
I’m sure I could invent
something to help her with that…
Some sort of….Thong bikini
type contraption? But knowing
the two of you, you probably
already have something like it.
(grins)
Do you?
(beat)
Can I see it?
(beat)
Please?

LANDSHARK:
No, no, its aright, honest.
Someone has to watch
the ship anyway.

THANDE
it very unlike you or Yuppie
to be voluntarily staying on
ship when most of the time
you can’t wait to get off the ship.
(shrugs)
This place looks like a nice world.
(nodding towards one of the workers in ‘gimp masks’)
I bet she’d be interested in labour regulations
on this world. It’ll be a sight seeing holiday!

LANDSHARK
Well…err…yeah but…No.
No she doesn’t want to come.
I will try and convince her
but I’m sure she won’t change
her mind, you know how
women are. See ya.

As MATT comes back out adjusting his trousers as he comes LANDSHARK enters the shuttle. The shuttle door closes and as it begins to take off DR.WHAT edges over to THANDE.

DR.WHAT
So…Any luck on operation “Get
Iron Yuppie frolicking around in a hot bikini”?

THANDE
Well…erm….no

DR.WHAT
(sighs)
First Keira says she’s gonna stay
on the ship and now Yuppie?
This has great vacation written all over it.

THANDE thinks for a while but then notices the trouble several others (chief amongst them MICHAEL) are having with the suitcases (of which there are too many to go on the hover trolley) and nods as he walks away.

DR. WHAT
Now where did Dave and Keira go?
(wanders off)

INT-AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

IRONYUPPIE is lounging in the command chair spinning it slightly with her foot. Enter LANDSHARK.

IRON YUPPIE
So? Any luck? Is the ship ours?

LANDSHARK
The ship is ours

IRON YUPPIE
Ours be the ship?

LANDSHARK
Ship be ou….

IRON YUPPIE
(angry voice while rising from her seat and advancing on Landshark)
Whose is the ship!

LANDSHARK
(dropping to his knees)
Yours! Yours! The ship is yours Yuppie!

Fade out with a evil grin on IRON YUPPIE’s face

INT-AIRPORT TERMINAL-DAY

THANDE is standing in the middle of the airport looking confused amidst a crowd of people.

DAVE HOWERY and OTHNIEL walk towards him. OTHNIEL is leading along a twitching MICHAEL and a large quantity of bags.

THANDE
What happened to him?
(Points to Michael)

OTHNIEL
Umm…I don’t know…

MICHAEL
(groaning)
I was thirsty…

THANDE:
Tell me you didn’t drink the water here?

MICHAEL
(groaning)
Maybe….

DAVE HOWERY
See that’s why I only drink booze on vacations.
(grins)

THANDE:
(sighs)
This is going to be a great vacation…

He spots DR WHAT with the rest of the crew heading towards them and quickly grabs a small brown bag off the pile of luggage and starts rummaging through it

THANDE:
OK, OK, I’m certain I’ve got something that should
Patch you up, right quick. Ah this should do!

MICHAEL opens his mouth wide

THANDE:
Guess again.
(aside)
Dave would you mind coming along, I’m
going to need someone to hold him down…

THANDE leads MICHAEL off towards the toilets with DAVE HOWERY following in their wake leaving OTHNIEL with all the bags.

GREY WOLF
Where is everyone?

DR. WHAT
I told Thande to go on ahead and
take care of the taxi’s for us. Come on.

HENDRYK
Are we having fun yet?
I can’t tell if we’re having fun yet.

The crew all amble off- OTHNIEL bringing up the rear with way too many bags.

EXT-AIRPORT TAXI RINK-DAY

Four Arabs (or at least they are dressed as such) are stood leaning against a black car muttering amongst themselves. Enter the crew from the airport door.

ARAB 1
(cockney accent)
This looks like a likely lot…
Heh heh heh…

ARAB 1 is infact a strange alternate MR.P. He runs up to the crew and the camera goes with him.

MR.P
(heavy Arab accent)
Taxi? Taxi? You require taxi? Yes?

DR.WHAT
You the guys Thande organised?

MR.P
(Arab)
Tha…Oh yes! Thande! Thande! Yes!
He says you are to come with us!
Yes, yes! Follow?

DR.WHAT
Come on everyone, it seems Thande’s
managed to do something right for once.

INT-AIRPORT TERMINAL-DAY

A newly restored MICHAEL, THANDE and DAVE HOWERY emerge from a toilet.

THANDE
Where ever did Othniel go?…
Shit! No Dave! No!

DAVE HOWERY has ran off down the terminal and dived upon a group of tourists wearing t-shirts bearing a red maple leaf. Scene fades out as MICHAEL and THANDE try in vain to pull him off them.

INT-TAXI-DAY

MR.P is sat in the front passenger seat with a Arab RAMP RAT driving. In the back are DR WHAT, OTHNIEL and GBW. Outside wee see the car is driving on a rather crappy road in the middle of the jungle. DR WHAT is holding a travel brochure.

DR. WHAT
err…Are you sure this is the right way? The
brochure said the Ocean View
was in the centre of the city…

MR.P
(Arab)
(grabbing the brochure)
Oh? This? This out of date.
Very out of date. Hotel move.

DR. WHAT
Err….The entire hotel moved out into the countryside?
I’ve never heard of anything like that happen…

GBW
I can only recall two occasions where such a thing happened
on a world without walking buildings. The first was on time
line 56352 where the Imperial Palace hotel of New Guinea was
involved in a landslide yet survived totally intact several miles
down the road, the second wa….

MR.P
(Arab)
Yes, yes. Listen your friend. He clever. Most clever.

MR.P throws the brochure out of the window.

EXT-JUNGLE-DAY

We see a brief scene of three taxis winding their way through the jungle

INT-AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR-DAY

We have a close up view of LANDSHARK. He is leaning against a wall just around the corner from a long corridor and looks extremely scared. IRONYUPPIE walks into view from a corner at the other end of the corridor, she is carrying a vicious looking whip

IRON YUPPIE
Ohhh Sharky! Where are yooou!!!
Come out come out wherever you are!!!!

Briefly glancing around the corner and seeing the approaching IRON YUPPIE, LANDSHARK runs off screen.

INT-POSH HOTEL ROOM-DAY

THANDE, MICHAEL and DAVE HOWERY enter the room behind a very important looking man in a business suit and a porter wearing a ice hockey mask

MANAGER:
(directed to MICHAEL in a toady manner)
Ah here you go sirs, the Preimieral Suit.
I trust everything is in order? If there is
anything you need please do not hesitate
to inform us, the staff here at the Ocean View
will be only to happy to fulfil your every desire

THANDE
There is one thing you could help with!

MANAGER
(disdainful)
And what would that be….’sir’

THANDE
Our friends. Dr.What, Grey Wolf,
Matt and the rest of the gang.
We were split up at the air port
and we’d like to find them.

MANAGER
(snobbish)
But of course. Our trackers are
the best on the continent after all.

The MANAGER grins and does a few bows before exiting the room, porter in tow.

DAVE HOWERY
Wow… This room….Are you
sure this is the right one?

THANDE
This is the one they led us to….
Didn’t even ask our names
or anything actually.
Just took one look at us and…

MICHAEL
I think it was when Dave shoved
his chainsaw inches away
from the owner’s pecker
that got them to be so nice.

DAVE HOWERY
See, my chain saw has a purpose.
Don’t see why I’m not used
on away missions more often.

THANDE
(Noticing the room)
WOW!

MICHAEL opens a door into the master bedroom. He proceeds to run in and begin bouncing on the room’s enormous bed.

THANDE
Does something seem strange to you here?

DAVE HOWERY
(as he opens another door and strides into a bar area)
Hell yeah, there’s a en suite bar and we aren’t drunk yet.
Man, I wish Keira was here.
(shrugs)
Who thinks I can’t finish three of these little bottles at once?

THANDE
God, is this how Dave’s on vacation?

MICHAEL
You should have seen him when
we went to Hawaii that last time.

THANDE
You mean where we met
the UN and battled the CF.net?

MICHAEL
No, the one where he got drunk, trashed his room, decided
to use his chainsaw and see how many walls he could cut
a man shaped doorway through before he got to the outer wall,
and got us all kicked out of our hotel.

THANDE
I don’t’ think I remember this vacation.

MICHAEL
Might have been the time we left you on ship.

THANDE
(glaring)
Might have been.
(shakes head)
Didn’t you notice something
strange about the porter?

MICHAEL
He didn’t have a bad cough.

THANDE
Something else….

DAVE HOWERY
(emptying a bottle)
He didn’t have terrible acne?

THANDE
Right lines…

DAVE HOWERY
He was wearing a hockey mask?

THANDE
Exactly!

DAVE HOWERY
Hmm…that is strange….
Maybe its just the fashion?
You know, kids these days.

THANDE
Possibly but…Didn’t you
notice the smell as well?

DAVE HOWERY
I thought that was Michael

MICHAEL
I told you, it’s just hot!
I’m not used to all this outdoor stuff.

DAVE HOWERY
The only time we were outdoors
was from the walk to the taxi
and the taxi to the hotel, all of
which was about two minutes total.

MICHAEL
And your point is?

A phone at the corner of the bar rings. Both men have a brief fight to answer it before DAVE HOWERY picks it up..

DAVE HOWERY
Yellow?

RECEPTIONIST
Hello. Mr Michael?

DAVE HOWERY
He’s taking a dump. Want me to get him?
‘cause I can.

RECEPTIONIST
Oh…right…lovely….
Well those friends you wanted us to find?
We didn’t have to look far, we checked with
the airport security staff and they say they
got into cars belonging to the Pee Processing Centre.
We have further details here if you require them.

DAVE HOWERY
(glancing at the booze)
No, it’ll be OK for now. Hold onto
them for us, we’ll see to it later.

RECEPTIONIST
Of course sir.

DAVE HOWERY opens another little bottle.

DAVE HOWERY
You know I like vacations.
Especially when the old ball and chain isn’t with us.

THANDE
I’m glad to see things are going
spectacularly well for the two of you…

EXT-ZPC-DAY

We get a aerial shot of three taxis as they drive beneath a archway into what looks like a cross between a prison camp and a factory- barbed wire and guard posts are dotted all around a large concrete complex. The sign above the entrance says ‘Processing Centre’, there is another word beginning with Z (duh) before these two but it is heavily faded.

Several heavily armed guards surround the taxis and force the crew out

GREY WOLF
Its always the same, every holiday the
builders still haven’t got done making the place…

OTHNIEL
What on earth is going on here?
I’m getting the strangest sense of deja-vu…

GUARD
(slapping OTHNIEL across the face sending him to the ground)
Silence!!!

MR.P
(cockney}
Alright, alright, come along lads!
Chamber three will be having yas!

DR. WHAT
I demand to know what’s going on here!

MR.P
(cockney)
What’s going on here:
Well this is the beginning of a
new era in your lives,
welcome to the work force mateys!

INT-POSH HOTEL ROOM-DAY

We’re back with THANDE and DAVE HOWERY at the bar. DAVE is finishing another little bottle, while THADE reads a small pamphlet about the wonders the hotel offers.

THANDE
A Swedish massage does sound good…

MICHAEL
(from the other room)
Hey, look Luakel’s on the television.
Not the brain Luakel, but one with a body…
(beat)
A damn hot body…

DAVE HOWERY and THANDE enter the mater bedroom where MICHAEL has settled sitting on the bed watching a enormous wall mounted TV-and sure enough an alternate LUAKEl is on it. He is wearing a leather jacket and has long hair in the heavy metal style, ALT-LUAKEL is sitting on a sofa together with the LEEJ and RETRO WOLF from the intro as well as a prehistoric caveman replete with leopard skin toga. We steadily zoom into it…

INT-TV STUDIO-DAY

INTERVIEWER
Yeah! Its a real pleasure to have you guys here before
your gig at the Golden Chapel Arena tonight! So I see
Ug has formally joined the band now?

LEEJ
Yeah, yeah. We just had to move on you know, we’ve been
friends ever since we rescued him from that Alpine glacier
and I mean Chris’ death was you know, like last week.

INTERVIEWER
The unfortunate gardening accent?

RETRO WOLF
Yeah…yeah…’Gardening’

INTERVIEWER
So you guys have been through a lot of drummers over the
year haven’t you? What stock do you place in these stories
about there being a ‘curse’ upon your drummers?

LEEJ
Woah man! There’s like! No curse! We
haven’t had like, that many drummers y’know!

RETRO WOLF
Yeah! I mean…There was Highlander

LEEJ
Shaving accident.

RETRO WOLF
Singapore Sam

LEEJ
Choked on a noodle

RETRO WOLF
The Duke of Argyll

LEEJ
Ninjas

RETRO WOLF
Garry G…

LEEJ
Yeah, Garry…Well…He didn’t die, we got rid of him
on Luakel’s request you know…I don’t know what was
up but like…Well he just didn’t gel y’know.

RETRO WOLF
Landshark

LEEJ
Lynched by evangelical Christians

RETRO WOLF
Flocculencio

LEEJ
Ah yeah…Floc…Poor Floc…He was our drummer
at the time of…you know…That night…If we had
known what would have happened…We would
have defiantly reconsidered it….It was…a mistake

INTERVIEWER
Yeah, yeah, yeah! The ’78 New York gig! That was
the night you discovered the zeroeth fret wasn’t it?
So what can you tell me about that?…Oh no! Wait
just being told in my ear here that since this is MTV
we are legally obliged to go to a video now. So here
is ugh…The second single off your fifth album…ah….
Mystic Emporium

A stereotypical 80s rock video starts to play and we pull back out to the hotel room

INT-POSH HOTEL ROOM-DAY

THANDE
Oh….Bugger.

DAVE HOWERY
What is it?

THANDE
The zeroeth fret…How didn’t I notice….I
knew there was SOMETHING about this world!

DAVE HOWERY
The zeroeth what?

THANDE
The zeroeth threat. Its a…Theoretical…At least it is
in most timelines…A theoretical component of both
guitar playing and string theory.
It is a fret below the first. Fret zero.

DAVE HOWEY
Huh? But….I played some guitar back in the day
and isn’t fret zero just a open string?

THANDE
Yes…well no. It is but it isn’t. Its oh so much more then that.
Its a ‘fret’ so low that when played it alters the very fabric of
reality…. I have done some experiments on it myself, remember
that cow that produced cider for milk?

DAVE HOWERY
(dreamy expression on his face)
Good times…

THANDE
Well…That was just using
a point eight seven fret.

Dramatic chime

MICHAEL
My god!

THANDE
Yes Michael, I realise you were just saying that as it
seemed the right moment for someone to say such a
thing but…My god is the correct bit of blasphemy to
use here. The zeroeth fret…We need to meet this
alternate Luakel and his band-mates.

DAVE HOWERY
What about the rest of the crew?

THANDE
Ah yes…Forgot about them for a moment there.
Suffice to say we have to find them all at once.
I fear they are in grave danger.

MICHAEL
Does this mean we have to go outside again?
(sighs)

INT-ZPC-DAY

GREY WOLF, DR.WHAT and OTHNIEL are dangling from chains several feet off the floor of a very dirty room

GREY WOLF
I fear we are in grave danger…

DR. WHAT giggles.

DR. WHAT
Now said it in a deep voice.

GREY WOLF
(deep voice)
I fear we are in grave danger…

DR. WHAT giggles.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT-ZPC-DAY

Exactly where we left off with GREY WOLF, DR.WHAT and OTHNIEL dangling from the ceiling.

We hear some strange mechanical sounds then a door in the room below opens. Into the room ambles five zombies wearing tie-die shirts.

OTHNIEL
Oh no! Hippys!

MR.P
(over loud speaker…in cockney)
Haw haw haw! Your nearly right there matey for what
is a zombie but a subspecies of the hippy?

DR.WHAT
Huh!?!? A zombie is a kind of hippy?!?!

MR.P
But of course matey! What else would they be?
The walking dead?!? Haw haw haw! Tourists….

A period of uncomfortable silence follows.

MR.P
So I bet you are wanting to know how we have zombies
here when they are supposed to be extinct!

OTHNIEL
Actually…We had no idea they ever did exist…

MR.P
Really? Haw haw haw, typical Americans…

GREY WOLF
(‘raising’ his hand towards the floor)
I’m British and I didn’t know

DR. WHAT
Dude, I’m Canadian.

OTHNIEL
I’m from the Democratic Republic of Free Deseret.

MR.P
Haw haw haw! There are some idiots these days aren’t there!
Haw haw haw! Well your in Sierra Leone matey! After the UN
outlawed hippys in ’82 they managed to survive thanks to dis-
reputable scum bags like my good cockney self! Haw haw haw!
We have a good buisness going for ourself here that we do! I
ts zombie labour force has made Sierra Leone one of the best
off non-Scandinavian nations on earth!

OTHNIEL
(producing a ‘Thompson’s Holidays’ book from a pocket and flicking through a few pages)
Ah…err…he’s right

MR.P
Haw haw haw! Of course I am! Haw haw haw!
Now then! Down ya all go matey-boys!

The manacle around the three crew member’s legs open and they fall to the ground. After a brief moments hesitation they run off into the room the zombies emerged from

INT. – ZPC CONTROL ROOM -DAY

MR.P is sitting in a comfortable chair in what looks like the control room of a construction vehicle.

MR.P
(regular voice)
Heh, works every time. Straight into the zombie nest

MR.P pours himself some tea from a flask then lounges right back in the chair putting his feat on then controls. MR.P takes a drink of tea then speaks

MR.P
Ahh…I love this job.

EXT-ALLEYWAY-DAY

MICHAEL, THANDE and DAVE HOWERY are outside a small rickety door in a large brick wall talking to a bouncer. MICHAEL is wearing a leather jacket, sunglasses and a rather crappy looking long black wig.

MICHAEL
(muttering to himself)
Man, I look so bloody dorky.

BOUNCER
I’m sorry sirs but this entrance is for performers only.

THANDE
I’m telling you! This is LUAKEL! He’s in the band!

BOUNCER
And which band would that be sir?

THANDE
Err…just a moment
(aside)
Did any of you find out the name of the band?

MICHAEL
(whisper)
I missed the start of the programme, it was
already halfway through when I turned it on…

THANDE
Err…THE BAND. The biggest band on the planet!
Surely you recognise THE Luakel!

BOUNCER
I recognise someone doing a rather poor job of
impersonating the world’s third best bass player.

MICHAEL
(crap mock anger)
THIRD BEST!?!? I’M ONLY
THIRD BEST!?!? WHY I OUGHTA…

BOUNCER
(monotone)
A terrible job.

Enter RETRO WOLF from down the alley with a entourage of attractive women

RETRO WOLF
What have we here then? Sorry lads but Kit left to
pursue his ‘own projects’ a decade ago….Hey!

He grabs MICHAEL’s wig and throws it to the ground

RETRO WOLF
(directed at THANDE and DAVE HOWERY)
Woah man! The hair! You cut his hair! What the hell!…
Come in. Quick! We better see Leej and Mr.Hendrix
before news of this gets out!

The four men and half a dozen nubile young girls enter the building. The Bouncer only shakes his head and resumes reading a magazine.

BOUNCER
Worse ever Luakel impression I’ve see to date.

INT-ZPC-DAY

DR WHAT, OTHNIEL and GREY WOLF run down a crypt-like corridor with innumerable zombies in the background (slowly) ambling after them. DR.WHAT takes out his communicator and hails the ship. We hear a phone ringing for a little while before LANDSHARK finally answers.

LANDSHARK:
Hello

DR.WHAT
Landshark! We need a immediate pick up!
We…I’m in serious trouble!

LANDSHARK :
Serious trouble you say? Well I wi…

We hear a strange slapping sound.

LANDSHARK:
Owwww!

DR. WHAT
What was that?

LANDSHARK
What was wh
(SLAP!)
aaaaghhhhooootttt!

DR. WHAT
That! There it is again! What was that noise?

LANDSHARK:
(lying badly)
What was wha…
(SLAP!)
Owwwww! Shit!!!! Owww!!!!

DR WHAT
(scolding)
Landshark; are you and IronYuppie playing
kinky sex games on the bridge again?

LANDSHARK:
Kinky sex games? Wh…
(SLAP!)
oooh… err whatever gives you that ide
(SLAP!)
I would never do such a
(SLAP!)
oh! Mercy mistress!
No
(SLAP!)
Kinky
(SLAP!)
Sex games
(SLAP!)
here Doc
(SLAP!)

DR.WHAT
It certainly sounds like there is…

LANDSHARK
No it doesn’t

GREY WOLF (over communicator)
Yes it does

LANDSHARK
You’re
(SLAP!)
ooohhh nice
(SLAP!)
Hearing things
(SLAP!)
Oooohhh….

DR WHAT
Sharky! The crew had a vote on this remember!
We agreed no kinky sex on the bridge, in the galley
or using other people’s space suits!…
(sighs)
But…This is a one time warning, I’ll let you off this time.
There are more pressing matters at stake right now such
as the horde of flesh eating zombies hot on my tail.

We hear a slight muttering over the comms.

LANDSHARK:
No! No! Please mistress! Cabbage!
(SLAP!)
Owww!!! Aghhhh!!! OK! No sa…
(SLAP!)
I promise! I won’t say the safe word but p….
(SLAP!)
please…Please mistress, not the tail, anything but
the tail, oh ple….OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

DR WHAT quickly closes his communicator and looks around awkwardly- we briefly see a elderly couple tutting at him. DR WHAT shakes his head and the hallucination vanishes. The zombies are still quite some way off however DR.WHAT and GREY WOLF dash down a side corridor in a attempt to escape all the same. OTHNIEL has a strange look on his face and it takes him a moment to notice the others are gone before dashing after them.

INT-ARENA-DAY

RETRO WOLF, leads MICHAEL, DAVE HOWERY and THANDE into a room decorated like a Turkish bordello with pink and gold cushions all over. Sitting in the corner huddled over a bong are LEEJ and a alternate long-haired STRAHA.

RETRO WOLF
Where’s Jim?

LEEJ
Jim’s not here man.

RETRO WOLF
Where. Is. He

LEEJ
err…he like…went out for pizza.

RETRO WOLF
Well…We’ve got a problem with Luakel

LEEJ
(slowly looking up)
Huh? What’s up with Luakel man?…
OH SHIT! THEY CUT HIS HAIR!

LEEJ jumps up in a panic knocking STRAHA as he does- STRAHA collapses, totally limp. LEEJ runs over to MICHAEL and begins examining him

LEEJ
Woah man! I mean without his hair! He’s the
same as the others! He could like! Eat anyo….
Hey he’s not trying to eat me.

MICHAEL
Why would I do that?

LEEJ
(shock)
He can talk!

RETRO WOLF
(as he hugs MICHAEL almost in tears)
Luakel! Your cured! Aww man this
is excellent!I never thought I’d see the day!

Enter alternate LUAKEL- staggering as he walks. We fade out with everyone looking confused (except STRAHA, of course)

INT. – ZPC – NIGHT

DR.WHAT, GREY WOLF and OTHNIEL run across the screen from left to right screaming whilst followed by a horde of zombies After a few moments of seeing just the empty ‘cave’ the crew run back across the screen from right to left followed by the zombies once more.

INT. – ZPC – PRISON CELL – NIGHT

KIT, MATT and WEAPON M are in a rather high-tech looking prison room sitting on a bench.

WEAPON M
Did you hear that?

MATT
What?

WEAPON M
Sort of a…. ‘Aggggghhhhhhhh!!!!’

MATT
Nope

KIT
I did hear a roaring sound, is that what you’re on about?

WEAPON M
Nah, it wasn’t a roaring. Far more high pitched….
Sounded like a woman in trouble
(carefully eyeing KIT)
I wish we had a woman in here. I swear Kit, if you
do your ‘Oh we’re gonna die anyway, you should see
what its like!’ routine one more time I’m gonna…

INT-ARENA-NIGHT

LEEJ
Woah man…Alternate worlds…Thats like…Deep.
I mean I’ve hypothesised such a thing could exist
you know but like…For someone from them to be
here…Don’t you have problems with constantly
running into identical worlds where one insignificant
man has done one insignificant thing differently?

THANDE
You know, that’s never come up. I too have hypothesised
that such a thing could happen…I mean physics isn’t my
area of expetise, I’m a chemist you know.
Do you happen to know anything ab…

DAVE HOWERY
(interrupting)
What he’s trying to say is we need your help.
Our shipmates have been taken to something
called the ”Pee Processing Centre’. Supposedly
they make blackcurrant juice there…

RETRO WOLF
Pee!?!? I thought we killed him!

LEEJ
(getting up and grabbing a guitar)
Let’s go! We have to stop him now!

LEEJ tests his guitar and with a dissatisfied look on his face sits down and begins tuning it

DAVE HOWERY
Why? What’s going on?

LEEJ
(whilst tuning the guitar)
MR.P. The most dangerous, most evil, most fiendish fake cockney-Arab
to ever walk the Earth. He was a roady for us back in the early days. I told
him I wasn’t ready to try for the zeroeth fret, I told him but…Well…Luakel
here is the evidence. He messed with my set-up, implemented my experimental
mods. I couldn’t control them, there was too much power. It…caused the creation
of the uber-hippy: The zombie. Constantly in a state of being supremely stoned.
Barely aware of what’s happening around him. SERIOUS munchies. We’ve tried
to find a cure, god knows we have but the best we managed was Luakel’s hair
which leaves him fully able to function as a regular bass player.

THANDE
Why don’t all the zombies have the hair then?

RETRO WOLF
Its a expensive procedure. Pee would rather take the chance of the
occasional customer’s face being eaten then shell out the extra cash.

MICHAEL
Man, this is a sucky timeline.
Next time I’m staying on ship with Keira.
AND I so totally don’t look like Luakel.
Wankers.

INT-ZPC-DAY

DR.WHAT, OTHNIEL and GREY WOLF are cornered by a mob of zombies slowly ambling towards them. They are managing to keep them pushed away but not for much longer…

DR.WHAT
Did I mention how much I love you guys?

OTHNIEL
Really?

DR.WHAT
Oh sorry, thought you were Thande

GREY WOLF
But wasn’t he the one who got us into the mess

DR.WHAT
…Yeah he was! Damn you Thande I’m so gonna haunt you,
you stupid damn English evil taxi cab driver organi….

DR.WHAT is cut off mid-rant by a wall of to their side suddenly exploding. As the dust clears we can clearly see five figures the front one of which is….

DR.WHAT
Thande! Thank god! I knew you would rescue us!

LEEJ and RETRO WOLF stride through the whole wielding their guitars, they start to play a highly impressive duet.

GREY WOLF
Wow they’re good.

OTHNIEL
Yeah…So….Go…

OTHNIEL is interrupted as the zombie horde’s heads all simultaneously explode. All the men wipe themselves down then the two groups approach each other

RETRO WOLF
Hey its me! How ya doing dude!

GREY WOLF
(still in shock)
err…Fine….err…me

LEEJ
Where am I?

DAVE HOWERY
There’s no you.

LEEJ]
(dejected)
Really? Aww bugger….
(instantly picking up)
Ah well, we’ve gotta get a move on! Lets go lads! If I
remember the blueprints right the prisons were err….
That a’way!

LEEJ runs off soon followed by the others

INT-ZPC-CONTROL CENTRE – NIGHT

This control centre looks like something more befitting a Bond villain. MR.P is running around frantically screaming at his employees who are all running into escape rockets leaving him alone. On the monitors we can see scenes of carnage outside with zombies on the loose battling the guards.

Suddenly there’s a explosion in one wall, LEEJ and RETRO WOLF stride through the hole closely followed by most of the AH.COM crew.

MR.P
YOU!!!! I should have known you were behind this!!!

RETRO WOLF
You should have known a lot of things.

LEEJ
Your story ends here Pee!

MR.P
That’s MR.P you damned cocky geordie! You think you have it all figured
out don’t you? Well hah! You forgot to add one thing into your equations

MR.P produces a spiky black accordion from behind his back

MR.P
(cockney)
Ey? Matey boy!

RETRO WOLF
The accordion of doom! But…I thought it was a myth!

MR.P
It WAS!!!

MR.P starts playing the accordion, the AH.COM crew members instantly cover their ears in pain. LEEJ and RETRO WOLF look at each other then break into a guitar duet even better then the one they played before. For a while a battle wages with the camera briefly flashing between the faces of the three protagonists- each bearing a look of intense strain with nose bleeding. Eventually one of LEEJ’s guitar strings snaps and he falls to the ground as if mortally wounded

RETRO WOLF
Leej!!!!

MR.P
Mwa ha ha ha! You cannot hope to defeat me!
The power of the prog rock duet is gone!!

LEEJ
(sounding like death and coughing blood)
Wolf….You must…Solo….Stop…
Pee…Avenge…Luakel….And…others…
Oh….Don’t…forget…to tape…
Stargate…eight p.m….Sky one…

With a look of grit and determination on his face RETRO WOLF breaks into a guitar solo however he is no match for MR.P and soon drops to his knees struggling to keep going. MR.P has a look off extreme malice on his face with the impending defeat of his mortal enemies…

Suddenly a red hole appears over MR.P’s heart. MATT is standing with a pistol pointed at him.

RETRO WOLF
Yeah…l suppose….That works too….

RETRO WOLF collapses with exhaustion closely followed by a dying MR.P

MR.P
Oh….bugger……

MR.P collapses dead. We fade out with everyone getting up and pulling themselves together

END ACT II

TAG

INT-AH.COM SHIP- MESS HALL- NIGHT

The mess hall is abuzz with most of the crew, and many (attractive) strangers all in full party mode. First the camera looks to where the GREY WOLFs are talking

RETRO WOLF:
So…Have you ever….

GREY WOLF
What?

RETRO WOLF:
Have you ever….you know…with your alternate self…

GREY WOLF
Have I ever what?

Next we cross over to where KIT has two handsome young men enthralled with his speaking

KIT
So yes, I left the band entirely of my own free will and err…
Did I do any solo stuff? No? Oh well I err…decided not to…
Hey! Do you guys want to play a little game…

Next we cross over to LEEJ and DR.WHAT talking- both with a girl on each arm.

LEEJ
So you’re sure you’re OK with me,
Wolfy and all our mates coming along?

DR.WHAT
(eyeing up one of his girls’ chest)
Oh yeah…I mean…I downright insist. You’re all…integral
members of the crew now, we couldn’t possibly leave without you

LEEJ
(beaming)
Great!

DR. WHAT beckons G.BONE over.

DR. WHAT
When the party’s over, get these two off the ship, hear?
(G.Bone nods)
Like I’d ever let anyone named Leej join the crew.
(laughs)

G.BONE laughs also.

DR. WHAT
But seriously.
Get them off this ship.
(G.Bone nods)

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

EXT. – RAIN DRENCHED PLANET – NIGHT

Thick heavy clouds cover the entire sky, sheets of rain pour down, and blasts of lightning brightens up the sky occasionally We see the AH.com Ship plunge from out of a cloud.

It’s weaving and bobbing in the air, erratically making it’s way across the sky.

Lightning strikes the ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

The crew looks a bit green around the gills, GBW is clutching the console around his piloting suite and with his free hand trying to keep the ship going, GREY WOLF is occupying the command chair, gripping the arm rests tightly and staring intently at the viewscreen. The remainder of the crew are gripping the consoles of their stations and hanging on for dear life.

GREY WOLF
Easy now.
Easy now.

GBW
(panicky)
I’m not controlling anything.
The damned ship is crashing!!

GREY WOLF
Easy now.
Easy now.

DIAMOND
I think I’m gonna toss my cookies….

IRONYUPPIE snatches away a bag of cookies DIAMOND has in his hands.

IRONYUPPIE
Fool. You do not toss these cookies.
They double chocolate chocolate.

LANDSHARK
Now, dear. Let’s not take our anger out on him.
We both knew this time was coming.

WEAPON M
What our dying?

LANDSHARK
No, Grey finally taking complete command of the ship.

WEAPON M
Oh, that?
Pfft.
I’m more concerned about us dying.

MATT
I mean we just rejoined the crew and all.
Would suck major monkey balls to just
die on our first mission.

WEAPON M
This ain’t even our first mission.
We were heading to get pizza
and celebrate the crew reunion.

MATT
Um.. I think that counts as a mission.

WEAPON M
No it don’t.

LANDSHARK
Bloody Colonials.
Arguing about bollocks as we’re gonna die.

IRONYUPPIE
I wanna be Captain again!

LANDSHARK
Now, now, Yuppie.
You’ll always be my captain.

IRONYUPPIE
(cracks whip)
That’s a given, Sharkboy.
But I wanted something bigger, something massively
huge to get my hands around and control.
(dreamy look on her face)

LANDSHARK
I feel so utterly slighted…
(wipes away tear)

GREY WOLF
Easy now.

GBW
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.
Oh, god.

GREY WOLF
Full power to the structural integrity.
Full power to the shields.
Now, ignite retro burners one through seven.
Deploy air brakes.
And someone get me a cup of tea.

KIT
Yes, sir!
(races out door)

The Ship shudders and suddenly begins to level out.

The viewscreen flickers to show a mountain coming straight at them from out of the darkness.

GBW
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.

GREY WOLF
Easy now.
Easy now.
Easy now.

IRONYUPPIE
I could have commanded the ship far better.

MATT
You guys were chased across
the Multiverse for three months,
getting your asses handed to you by every
two bit wannabe warlord or corner baddie.

DIAMOND
Least we did not kill little bunnies for money.

WEAPON M
They were infesting the mid west by the millions.
Whole crops would have been lost!

DIAMOND
Yeah, but they were pink, fluffy, and overly friendly.

MATT
(nods)
I still have dreams about them…
(wipes away tear)

DIAMOND
I think-.

CRASH!

Everything goes dark.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE GOOD WEAR PINK”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – DARK DANK DUNGEON – NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT shackled to a wall, he’s dirty, unshaven, and looks a lot worse for wear. Yet he’s talking animatedly to another figure who’s also shackled to the wall.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I’ve had Torq and Thande try to –

OTHER MAN
Torq’s the crazy one right?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Yeah, anyway, I had them try to figure out
how a group of yellow, unobtanium eating,
round things evolved on an asteroid millions
of miles away from earth.

OTHER MAN
Maybe they were planted there.

DOCTOR WHAT
(thoughtful)
They didn’t look much like plants.

OTHER MAN
Well, not so much as planted and grown there, but
the concept is kinda similar. Y’know like when you
take a species from it’s original habitat and then toss
‘em in some other area where they continue to grow?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Yeah…

OTHER MAN
Well, these Pacc-mehn might’ve been something like-

Suddenly the cell doors swing open.

Enter three huge man like creatures. They have no face, their bodies seem to be made of rough rock, and they stand nearly eight feet tall.

The three move toward the OTHER MAN.

OTHER MAN
Damn it.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s up.

OTHER MAN
Looks like my time just ran out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Man, that sucks.

OTHER MAN
Yeah, I know.
Hey, it was nice talking to you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Same here, bro.
Sorry about the whole flatulence thing.

OTHER MAN
No worries. Happens all the time.

DOCTOR WHAT
I still feel a bit embarrassed about it.

OTHER MAN
When you’re heading to your death, things like that
don’t really seem to amount up to much.
(grins)

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, yeah, sorry about that one too, dude.

OTHER MAN
It happens.
Via con Dios, Bruno.

The OTHER MAN is taken out of the cell.

The door slams shut with a heavy thud.

THROUGH CELL BARS; show DOCTOR WHAT hanging there.

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

DIAMOND groans.

DIAMOND
What the fuck?

MATT
Get your damn ass off my face.

DIAMOND
You like it there and you know it.
(slowly gets up)
Feels like I’ve been up all night drinking and partying.
But without the joy of wetting myself or puking on someone’s bed.

MATT
(slowly getting up)
Or the joy of doing both at once…

GREY WOLF
This is excellent tea, Kit.

Pan to see GREY WOLF still sitting in the command chair, sipping tea.

KIT
Thanks, Grey.
I boiled it up all by myself.

MICHAEL
I put the tea bag in!

GREY WOLF
Quit being such a suck up, Michael.
It gets you nowhere.

MICHAEL
I’m not trying to…
Oh never mind.

WEAPON M
He’s been brown nosing since we got back.

MATT
I think he wants to be second
in command of Security again.
(grins)
Too bad that job’s already taken.

IRONYUPPIE
Yeah, by me.

MATT
What?

WEAPON M
Yup, she’s second in command.

LANDSHARK
Yuppie does not subordinate herself to anyone!

WEAPON M
Shut up, Earthfish.

LANDSHARK
Okay….

GBW
Systems are shot.
We’ve got no shields.
No weapons.
No air conditioning.

KIT
Bugger.

GREY WOLF
Right, Lee, would you gather
up some of your security goons.

WEAPON M
Security forces.

GREY WOLF .
and meet me in cargo bay one.

KIT
Hey, GBW. Why are we here?

GBW
I dunno. I guess Grey’s got a plan?

KIT
I thought we were going for pizza?
I’m kind of hungry.

GBW
But I thought you were on a diet?

KIT
I’m not a glutton like you!

GBW
Umm…

Cut to:

INT. – CARGO BAY ONE – NIGHT

GREY WOLF, WEAPON M, MATT, FLOCC, IRON YUPPIE, DMA, and MICHAEL are all in the Cargo Bay, dressed in battle armor and carrying BFGs, all except GREY WOLF.

GREY WOLF
I said you didn’t need all the weaponry.
It’s just going to be a meeting of someone.

WEAPON M
Well, I like to come prepared.

MATT
Just in case.

FLOCCULENCIO
I get to shoot something?

WEAPON M
Oh, god I hope so.

MICHAEL
I’d just like to say it’s an honor
to be included in this mission.

WEAPON M
Shut up or you stay behind.

MICHAEL
Consider it zipped and key tossed away!

The Cargo Bay doors open to the outside world.

Rain is still pouring down, lightning still flashing, and thunder still booming.

WEAPON M
Fuck, this is a depressing world.

FLOCCULENCIO
Looks a bit like England.
Well, without all the rocks and the like.

GREY WOLF
Let’s move out.

GREY WOLF pulls out an umbrella and walks out into the rain, the others follow, becoming immediately drenched.

EXT.- ROCKY TERRAIN – NIGHT

The crew are all soaking and looking miserable in the rain.

GREY WOLF continues to lead, relatively dry due to the umbrella.

GREY WOLF
I think this is it.

WEAPON M
Mind telling us why the fuck
we’re out in the damned rain?

IRONYUPPIE
My hair is amess.

MICHAEL
It’s so damn cold, I can’t
even feel my balls anymore.

FLOCCULENCIO
Dude, pull your hands outta your pants.

GREY WOLF
We’re here to find someone
Someone who’ll help us find Doc.

WEAPON M
How the hell do you know this?

GREY WOLF
Just remembered it.
We were in the neighborhood,
so I figured we might as well.

WEAPON M
Would have been good if you told us.

GREY WOLF
Maybe.

They continue walking. Before this is a large cabin like structure, light gleams warmly out of the windows.

WEAPON M
Matt, take point. The rest of you miserable bastards,
besides Yuppie, fan out. Don’t wanna be ambushed.

Suddenly something huge appears, roaring a terrible cry.

CREATURE
Too fucking late, asshats!

Cut to:

INT. – DUNGEON ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is strapped to a metal table.

VOICE
Well, well, well.

DOCTOR WHAT
You know the gloating doesn’t help matters.

VOICE
It does fill me with glee though.
To see you bound up and at my mercy.

DOCTOR WHAT
I find that strangely arousing.
Even though a part of me is
screaming that I’m about to die.
I can’t help but find it strangely arousing.

VOICE
You’re just royally messed up.
Things you should be running from, you run to.
Things you should run to, you run from.
Things that are supposed to terrify you, arouse you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Are we gonna do this torture thing
or you wanna play Dr. Phil? Trust me,
you don’t wanna wander about in my mind,
others have and they still got nightmares.

VOICE
Well, let the world of hurt begin.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yay.
Let’s see how you compare to Mistress Olga.

The figure steps forward, LARA HONORBLOWER.

LARA HONORBLOWER
I’ve got a bit more experience than she does.

Clockwipe

INT. – CABIN – LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

The crew are sitting on a huge couch, nearly consumed by the large fluffy pillows.

A giant tea kettle and large cups are set upon a table before them.

We see the huge creature sitting down on a chair before a fire. We see it’s a huge man like creature with no face, rock like skin, and standing nearly eight feet tall.

CREECH
Sorry about the whole scaring you guys thing.
I don’t get much visitors out this way.

WEAPON M
(sipping tea)
Nah, no prob.
DMA might’ve pissed himself, but we’re all good.

GREY WOLF
Sorry about approaching you at this late hour.
But we had to come to you and gather some info.

CREECH
How did you find this place?

GREY WOLF
A friend of a friend of a friend.

CREECH
I got no friends.

GREY WOLF
Fine. I saw your personal ad on
Bigrockcreatureneedslove.com.

CREECH
Really?
So it does work?
I thought the site might
have gone down or something.
Since you guys have been
my only visitors.

GREY WOLF
(beat)
Right.
Well, seeing as how you’re related to
those creatures that guard this prison
thing me an my friend were trapped in.
I thought that you might know some
info on the layout of the place.

CREECH
I would not betray my former employer
and creator. I’ve spent a good ten years
in her service and although I was forced
to retire due to back problems, it does not
mean I will betray her trust and give up the
information to the prison she’s running for
those people she wants revenge upon.
It’s just not cool.

GREY WOLF
(snaps fingers)
I’ve got coin.

CREECH
I’ve got enough myself.

GREY WOLF
Not that kind of coin

MICHAEL sets a large sack upon the table.

GREY WOLF
I’ve got porn from over
5000 worlds who all view the
Kama Sutra as a beginners
guide to what they can do.

CREECH
Deal.

EXT. – ROCKY TERRAIN – NIGHT

WEAPON M
So we’ve got the plans.
What now?

GREY WOLF
I think Torq’s got a little something to show you guys.

WEAPON M
Trust me, I’ve already seen his member.

GREY WOLF
Something else.
I’ve been having him work on.

WEAPON M
Oh, goodie.

INT. – TORTURE ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT lies upon the table, breathing heavily.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh my god, Olga’s got nothing on you.
(look of ecstasy)
Marry me!

LARA HONORBLOWER
(angry)
Get him out of here!
And someone wash this bloody table!

LARA HONORBLOWER storms out of the Torture Room.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED LAB – DAY

TORQUMADA sets a box on the table.

TORQUMADA
I’m been working on this-

DAVE HOWERY
With help from me.

TORQUMADA
In conjunction with Dave Howery –

KIT
And me!

TORQUMADA
(glares)
You only picked out the color.

KIT
I still helped.

TORQUMADA
Fine. With help from Dave and Kit, we’ve come up with this,
using the data brought back from the mission.

TORQUMADA opens the box.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN begins laughing.

Everyone looks at him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Its pink.
How stereotypically gaysexual is that?
Who else but Kit would choose pink?
(laughs more)

KIT suddenly flings a tea kettle at PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

KIT
The choice of color was not
determined by my sexual preference.
It just merely looked the right color
to suit this thing they were making.

TORQUMADA
Let’s forget the color for now.
It’s irrelevant anyway.
What really matters is what
this pink monstrosity does.

MATT
Pink monstrosity.
‘member that, Lee?

WEAPON M
Yeah, those pink fluffy little
elephants that just wanted to be loved,
Yet the townsfolk didn’t want them around.

DMA
Jesus, did everything you guys kill happen to be pink and fluffy?

MATT
No.

WEAPON M
Some were powder blue.

MATT and WEAPON M look at one another and turn away, hanging their heads.

TORQUMADA
Back on subject.
These pink hideous things are designed to do a job.
One that will be required when we attempt the rescue –

DIAMOND
Attempt?
We’re not just gonna attempt.
We’re gonna go in there, kick so much ass that
our feet will be hurting for a week afterward.
(looks to the crew)
Am I Right?
AM I RIGHT???!!!

MATT
Dude, shut up.

DIAMOND
(sighs)
Fuck you all.

TORQUMADA
These suits, although they are a disgusting
pink color, will serve it’s purpose well.

DAVE HOWERY
How do you even know it works?

TORQUMADA
Because the two to us tested them out together.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, yeah.
Forgot about that.

TORQUMADA
Thande if you would.

MICHAEL
(laughs)
Thande ain’t even here!
We didn’t invite him to this crew gathering!

TORQUMADA
No, Thande is here.
He’s wearing the suit, that’s why you can’t see him.
Thande, if you would.
(nothing)
Thande?

Everyone looks around.

TORQUMADA
Where the hell is Thande??

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS – DAY

A shot of the living room in DAVE’s quarters, we can hear the noise of water running, someone’s in the shower. A quick backside glimpse of KEIRA KNIGHTLY standing in a steaming glass shower stall.

We suddenly see the doors to DAVE HOWERY’s quarters open, then close.

We hear a humming, making it’s way toward the bathroom.

Though the steam billowing out, we see the shape of a man standing at the doorway of the bathroom.

THANDE
Ooo… Thande likie.

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY looks furious.

DAVE HOWERY
He’s where?

LEO CASIEUS
Scans show him in your quarters.

DAVE HOWERY looks at his watch.

DAVE HOWERY
This is Keira’s shower hour!
(He races out of the door)

DIAMOND
Haven’t seen anyone move that fast since Straha.
And that was when they were giving out
free enemas on that one world we came to.

FLOCCULENCIO
Keira has a shower hour?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yup. I’ll show you the tape later.

FLOCCULENCIO
You got a tape of it?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
When you have access to all parts
of the ship for maintenance purposes,
it’s mind boggling how many
secret cameras you can set up.

FLOCCULENCIO
You sick bastard. How could you
do that to your own friends?
(beat)
So you got any of when
Atta came aboard?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You sick bastard.
(beat)
Yeah, about three hours worth.

FLOCCULENCIO
Two hundred Hub Dollars for it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Deal.

TORQUMADA
Well. Since Thande is not where
to demonstrate this pink atrocity.
I’ll just download the specs into the
mainframe and you all can look it up later.
I’m tried of all these interruptions.
If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a
pair of brains that need feeding.

MATT picks up the pink suit.

MATT
I’ve worn worse.

IRONYUPPIE
Yeh, I still have nightmares about
that week you flashbacked to the 80’s.

MATT
It was an attempt to recapture my youth.

WEAPON M
You looked pretty fucked up, kid.
Seven suits, looks like only the big guns are going.

MICHAEL
Ha, sucks for you asshats.

WEAPON M
You’re not going.

MICHAEL
Bugger all of you to hell!
(storms out)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Loser.

WEAPON M
You’re not going too.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I hope your little penis rots and falls off!

MATT
So who’s all going?

INT. – SHUTTLE POD BAY ONE– DAY

DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and MICHAEL are doing last minute checks on a shuttle. A bruised and bandaged THANDE stands pumping fuel into the shuttle, though he’s smiling happily to himself.

MICHAEL
I don’t see why I have to be here?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You said you wanted to help.

MICHAEL
I meant with the rescue attempt.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, in a way you are.

We see MICHAEL polishing the consoles with a rag.

MICHAEL
This is demeaning.

Suddenly a door opens and DAVE HOWERY walks out, buckling his pants.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, Michael. Clean up the restroom
back here. Someone made a mess.

MICHAEL
Um.. all manners of fuck no.

DAVE HOWERY
You said you wanted to help.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I already used that to have
him clean up in my quarters.

DAVE HOWERY
Dumbass. You know only to
use it when it’s something big.
Like cleaning the
Waste Recycle Facilities.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Meh, I got what I needed.

Suddenly we hear the sounds of the shuttle pod bay entrance opening.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DAVE HOWERY, and MICHAEL all exit the shuttle, watching those coming in.

WEAPON M, GREY WOLF, MATT, IRON YUPPIE, DMA. FLOCCULENCIO, and DIAMOND walk in wearing a tight pink suit. LANDSHARK follows a few steps behind, tossing a long scarf over his shoulder and adjusting a pair of goggles.

DIAMOND
Fuck, it rides up something fierce.

FLOCCULENCIO
I kinda like it.

DMA
I need to take a piss.

FLOCCULENCIO
Again?
That’s the fifth time now.

DMA
Bugger me if this bloody tight arsed pink thing doesn’t
compress my bladder to the size of an atom.
Plus I had a little drink before.

FLASH BACK WAVEY THING:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SHEEP – DAY

Bottle lay everywhere, DMA stand staggering next to the Holy Sheep, finishing off another bottle.

DMA
(breathing heavily)
Now, what say you kick up
your heels and we have a go at it?

END OF FLASHBACK.

INT. – SHUTTLE POD BAY ONE – DAY

GREY WOLF looks at the crew.

GREY WOLF
Now, we get our captain back.

LANDSHARK
And I get to fly you sorry
arsed buggers there and back.
Yay fucking me.

They all head into the shuttle.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, ain’t that a sorry
assed sight to behold?

MICHAEL
You haven’t seen Psycho
mooning over Alyson Hannigan pics.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(shrugs)
That causes no embarrassment in me.

THANDE watches the crew as they enter the shuttle.

THANDE
(with a vaguely perplexed look on his face)
Daring Commando Raid™?

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY
Pump those bellows, stir that soup,
check those readings, watch out for
that whirlymagigthing over there, and
someone get me a megaphone!

PSYCHOMETLDOWN, MICHAEL, and G.BONE scurry about in the Engineering Bay.

LEO CASIEUS
Battle stations.
Battle stationS.
All crew to battle stations.

G.BONE
It’s really happening ain’t it?

MICHAEL
What?

G.BONE
Dave’s lost his mind.

DAVE HOWERY
(still shouting)
someone run me a hot bath!
You, break that red blinking light,
it’s annoying me. You, make sure
the microwave’s unplug, we don’t
want any fluctuations in the Shift emitters.

MICHAEL
Yup. Looks that way.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LEO CASIEUS
All hands to battle stations.
Exiting shift space in 30 seconds.
All hands to battle stations.

The Control Room is bathed in red light, HENDRYK is sitting in the command chair, GBW at piloting, KIT at ship operations, and OTHNIEL at weapons.

HENDRYK
I can’t believe I’m in command of the ship.

KIT
Don’t get to used to it.
Once Doc comes back.

HENDRYK
I would never dream of replacing
the Glorious Doctor What. Only that
I have the honor of sitting upon the seat
where his ass once sat and commanding
the ship he once commanded.

GBW
Hmm.. guess happiness is all relative.

OTHNIEL
We’re coming up on Real Space.
Charging shields, weapons ready.

HENDRYK
Let’s show them what AH.commers are!

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

THANDE
We always don’t go into the fight, right?

The two men are sitting around a table, playing cards.

TORQUMADA
Best if we don’t get shot.

THANDE
But think of it. The adventure.

TORQUMADA
I’ve got enough adventure,

THANDE
Oh, how goes the Luakel cloning?

TORQUMADA
Not well. I can’t make a viable clone of his body.
Seems they come out deformed angry monsters.

THANDE
Sounds tough.

TORQUMADA
I’m up to the challenge.

THANDE
Need any help?

TORQUMADA
From you?

THANDE
Yeah.

TORQUMADA
Hell. No.

THANDE
Wanker.

TORQUMADA
You got any threes?

THANDE
Nope. Go Fish.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.com ship pops out of the vortex. We see a large battered looking grey planet and from it streak scores of craft.

They’ve been spotted.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK
You know the drill, boys.
Fire at anything that moves and
anything that looks like it’s thinking to move.
GBW, engage Don’t Get Shot pattern.
Kit, make sure Dave keeps the
engine going and our shields up.

The crew chorus their replies.

HENDRYK
Grey, it’s a green to go.
Good luck and bring Doc back or I’ll hunt
you down and skin you alive, got it?

GREY WOLF
(on comm.)
Hear you loud and clear, Hendryk.

INT. – SHUTTLE MINX III – DAY

GREY WOLF
Pedal to the medal, Sharkbloke.

LANDSHARK
Aye, this will be fun.

GREY WOLF
Launching Shuttle pods.
(beat)
Launching.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

From the belly of the AH.com scores of shuttles are disgorged and fly at the planet.

The AH.com begins laying down a devastating barrage of fire at the incoming vessels.

INT. – SHUTTLE MINX III – DAY

GREY WOLF
Crank on the cloak, Sharkbloke.

LANDSHARK
Cranking on the cloak.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see one of the shuttle disappear. The rest are set upon by the arriving ships. Each one exploding into balls of fire.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW
Well, I think we’ll be learning the
joy of telelportation for a while, won’t we?

KIT
Such a waste.

HENDRYK
Nothing is wasteful when it come
to rescuing our lord and savior!

OTHNIEL
Jesus is not on planet.

KIT
Shuttles are gone.
No read on the Mynx III, but
space is gonna be a bit crowded now.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Though the debris of the sacrificial shuttles come the other ships, they begin firing upon the AH.com, which begins dodging and returning fire.

INT. – SHUTTLE MINX III – DAY

LANDSHARK
Two minutes to compound.
Best you buggers get ready.

There’s clacking and clicking of weaponry as the rescue team makes last minute checks.

DMA
Bugger I need to take a pisser.

GREY WOLF
Piss on that wench’s corpse
when we’re done with her.

DIAMOND
Man, that sounds fucking kinky.
Anyone else aroused?

FLOCCULENCIO
I suggest a change to the plan.
Diamond does not bring up the rear.

GREY WOLF
Absolutely.

WEAPON M
I get to kill me some rocky bastards.
(grins)

MATT
Beats clubbing to death
baby seals that were bothering
tourists to the artic on that one world.

WEAPON M
Totally beats that.

LANDSHARK
Thirty seconds to touch down

EXT. – PRISON PLANET – DAY

We see a large compound in the distance. The cloaked shuttle is invisible so we can see it as it makes it’s approach.

INT. – SHUTTLE MINX III – DAY

LANDSHARK
looks like the buggers didn’t spot us.
Am I best damn pilot on the friggin ship
or am I the best damned pilot on the friggin ship?

IRONYUPPIE
Shush, now, dear. We got things
to kill and a crazy Canuk to rescue.

GREY WOLF
Out people. Remember, stealth and speed.
Activate suits.

The crew vanishes as the suits are activated.

The ramps descends and they all get out.

LANDSHARK
Now, to wait.
(he pulls out a fashion magazine)

INT. – PRISON COMPOUND– DAY

We see a Rock Guard walking around, keeping an eye on things.

Suddenly the guard topples, a blade shoved in it’s back.

WEAPON M
Excellent, they may seem as
hard as stone, but it’s like a
knife through butter.

MATT
Quit showing off with your monomolecular blade.
We got a once controlled by ASB captain to rescue.

WEAPON M
Take all the fraggin fun
outta this why don’t you?

GREY WOLF
Shhh…
Another one is coming.

BOOOOM!!!!

The Rock Guard is blown to flaming pebbles.

MATT
See, BFG works wonders.

GREY WOLF
Bugger that’s sure to set off the alarms.

Alarms begin ringing.

IRONYUPPIE
See, if you hadn’t said anything,
they wouldn’t have rang.

FLOCCULENCIO
Wonderful logic, Yuppie.

GREY WOLF
Move!

We hear them running down the corridors.

INT. – PRISON – COMMAND HUB – DAY

We see LAURA HONORBLOWE standing before a hologram of the prison.

LARA HONORBLOWER
How many dead?

COMP VOICE
We’ve got seven guards dead.
Leading in this general direction.

A path is highlighted on the holographic image.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Well, looks like the fight in
the sky is only a diversion.

COMP VOICE
We have not been able to find
any evidence that there are any intruders.

LARA HONORBLOWER
They’re cloaked that’s why.
Bloody hell, I thought that tech
was beyond them. All guards fall
back to the high security areas.
They’re going for Doctor What.

COMP VOICE
Orders deployed.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Someone get me my gun.

INT. – PRISON – CORRIDOR – DAY

A battle is raging as the Rock Guards are being shot up and the survivors are plastering the corridor with fire. The AH.commers, still invisible are enjoying the chance to shoot while not being shot at.

WEAPON M
Weeeheee!!!
Die you bastards!

MATT
Die motherfuckers! Die!!!!

GREY WOLF
We need to get Doc and stop
this nonsense shooting of the guards.
This was supposed to be a
Daring Commando Raid™!

We hear the AH.commers running down the cleared corridor, crunching over pebbles that were once the Rock Guards.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the AH.com Ship zig and zagging as it’s surrounded by scores of ships and other vessels. It’s firing and dodging, but due to the sheer numbers it gets hit over and over, a strange green gas is left in it’s wake.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY
Damn those plasma vents.
They’re always getting blocked
or releasing when they shouldn’t!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What do we do?

DAVE HOWERY
Fix the damn thing!

G.BONE
Right.
(beat)
How do we do that?

DAVE HOWERY
Fuck if I know.

MICHAEL
Bloody brilliant.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK
Damn it. We’re getting
our asses handed to us.

GBW
You know the drill, Captain.

HENDRYK
Open up the vortex,
we’ve given them enough time.

KIT
Vortex opening.

SLAM!!!!

Everyone is practically knocked out of their stations.

HENDRYK
The hell?

OTHNIEL
I’ve got a signal on something.
Something huge.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A huge vessel has suddenly appeared, it’s hull a dark grey and it’s shape oddly bat like.

It fires off a salvo, the AH.com ship is shaken about like a toy.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK
What the hell is that?
Where did it come from

GBW
Scans don’t register is as a known vessel.
It’s not ASB or other.
Some new ship.

OTHNIEL
It just appeared.
Out of friggin no where.

KIT
We’re losing shields.
Weapons are gone.

HENDRYK
Shift engines?

KIT
They’re online.
They’ll have to recharge.

HENDRYK
How long?

KIT
Ten minutes?

HENDRYK
We don’t have ten minutes!

BOOOOMMM!!!

They are hit again.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY– DAY

Smoke and fire are raging everywhere.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, this is just fucking great!

MICHAEL
I’m on fire!

He runs by trailing flames.

DAVE HOWERY
Wonderful.

There is an explosion.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

KIT
Main Engines are gone.
We’ve got shields down to ten percent.
No weapons.

HENDRYK
Shift engines?

KIT
Still charging.

GBW
We’re heading to the planet.

HENDRYK
What?

The view screen pops open to show the ship obviously plunging into the atmosphere of the planet.

HENDRYK
Aw, shit.

INT. – PRISON – CORRIDOR– DAY

LARA HONORBLOWER stalks down the corridors a troop of Rock Guards behind her.

LARA HONORBLOWER
They think they can hide behind
their primitve stealth systems?
Bugger ‘em I say.

She puts on a pair of goggles. The Rock Guards can be seen wearing them also.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Come out and play, kitties.

INT. – PRISON – ANOTHER CORRIDOR – DAY

We hear quickly moving footsteps.

GREY WOLF
I see her.

IRONYUPPIE
The Honorblower bitch?

GREY WOLF
Yeah, that’s her.

WEAPON M
Hold still, let them come nearer
and we’ll jump their asses.
They can’t see us anyway.
(beat)
Yeah, good plan.

INT. – PRISON – CELL– DAY

DOCTOR WHAT can be seen gnashing his teeth, his head bent at an odd angle.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
I can’t even chew off my own arms to escape.
That’s fucked up.

The distant sounds of gunfire can be heard.

DOCTOR WHAT
Guess all I can do is hang here and wait to be rescued.
(begins whistling)

INT. – PRISON – CORRIDOR– DAY

The Corridor is drenched in gunfire.

WEAPON M
Bad plan!
Bad Plan!
Run!!!

Suddenly LARA HONORBLOWER lands amidst the AH.commers.

LARA HONORBLOWER POV: everything is tinted in a yellowish color, except for the AH.commers who all appear in a hot pink color.

WEAPON M goes flying with a round house kick to the sternum.

MATT is shoved face first into a wall.

DMA falls to a karate chop to the neck.

DIAMOND is floored with a kick to the groin.

FLOCCULENCIO is knocked unconscious by repeated blows to the head.

And IRON YUPPIE is shocked with some kind of taser like weapon. She shrieks and convulses upon the floor.

GREY WOLF and LARA HONORBLOWER face one another. The Rock Guards are all dead and they are the only two left standing.

GREY WOLF
Well…
This is awkward.

LARA HONORBLOWER
It does seem a little sad that your
little Daring Commando Raid failed so miserably.

GREY WOLF
No, I was talking more about
being saved by all people Landshark.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Wha-

LANDSHARK smashes a bit of Rock Guard chunk into the back of LARA HONORBLOWER’s head.

LANDSHARK
You owe me one, old chap.

GREY WOLF
Get your lazy arses up!
We got a Doc to save.

Slowly the crew is revived and they make their limping way from the battle scene.

EXT. – IN THE ATMOSPHERE – DAY

The AH.com ship is plunging downward, fire trailing it along with weapons fire.

HENDRYK
Good and bad news, people.

KIT
Good news.
The atmosphere is preventing a good target
lock on us. So not weapons fire is hitting us.

GBW
Bad news, We’re gonna crash.

OTHNIEL
Good news, you can all
repent and be saved right now.

HENDRYK
How long to the shift engines recharge.

KIT
Two minutes.

HENDRYK
How long until we hit the ground?

GBW
Two minutes.

HENDRYK
Wonderful.

INT. – PRISON – CELL– DAY

The door explodes inward, slamming against the wall inches from DOCTOR WHAT.

WEAPON M
Whoops, almost got you there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Lee! How the hell are you?

WEAPON M
As well as can be.
Rescue is here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great unshackle me and let’s get going!

GREY WOLF, FLOCCULENCIO, DIAMOND, and MATT all enter.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy shit! All of you guys?

GREY WOLF
Told you I’d come back.

DOCTOR WHAT
No you didn’t.

GREY WOLF
Or was that when I was hallucinating badly?
(shrugs)

FLOCCULENCIO
Figured we’d save your arse Doc.

DIAMOND
Since we always seem to be doing it.

MATT
Yeah.

IRONYUPPIE
Not to break up the friggin’ hallmark moment,
but the damn rock things are coming again.

DMA
Hey, Doc. Why you naked?

DOCTOR WHAT
Long story.

DMA
Shall I make the joke?

MATT
(shrugging)
Why not?

DMA
Must be cold in here, eh, Doc?
(laughs)

IRONYUPPIE
Trust me, it’s not.

Long pause by everyone.

GREY WOLF
Let’s go.

INT. – PRISON – CORRIDOR– DAY

LARA HONORBLOWER gets to her feet.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Damn.
Comp!

COMP VOICE
Yes?

LARA HONORBLOWER
Has Doctor What escaped?

COMP VOICE
Yes.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Bugger.
Get all the antiaircraft fire going.
They won’t escape.

COMP VOICE
I think an escape is in order.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Why’s that?

EXT. – IN THE ATMOSPHERE – DAY

KIT
Shift engines a go!

HENDRYK
Open the vortex!

Viewscreen shows the compound and ground coming up fast.

KIT
Sending rendezvous coordinates to the shuttle.

GBW
Vortex open!

EXT. – ABOVE COMPOUND – DAY

The shift vortex opens, a massive swirling thing. The AH.com ship disappears into it, meanwhile the vortex itself begins tearing up buildings and causing destruction on the compound.

It flickers and flares, then suddenly collapses in a loud explosion that blasts every into white.

INT. – PRISON – CORRIDOR– DAY

LARA HONORBLOWER
An unstable vortex?

COMP VOICE
It’s set off a chain reaction, one that will cause
the power reactor to detonate in five minutes.

LARA HONORBLOWER
Damn it.
Evacuated base.
Now!

Alarms begin blaring.

LARA HONORBLOWER
I shall have my revenge…

She vanishes in a pop.

INT. – PRISON – ANOTHER CORRIDOR– DAY

GREY WOLF
Run!

DOCTOR WHAT
You try running when you’ve
been tied up for nearly a month!

IRONYUPPIE
Run!

The crew run down the corridor, carrying DOCTOR WHAT between them.

EXT. – PRISON – COURTYARD – DAY

We see the MYNX III take off.

They open a vortex and vanish.

Behind them everything erupts into a massive fireball.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

There’s a big banner reading ‘WELCOME BACK DOC” and everyone either seems to be drunk.

THANDE
How’s it feel to be back, Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
Compared to being tortured every day and humiliated?
Feels about the same.
(grins)

THANDE
Well, we showed Honorblower that we can kick her arse again.
Wonder how she’s gonna take it?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not well, is my guess.
She’s one who doesn’t revel in failures.
Y’know one of those stuck up types that can’t fail.

THANDE
Well, she almost did what she was going for.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, if not for the timely rescue by the crew.
(a beat)
Though I still feel pretty shitty about
all that happened.The Hub and all that.
I don’t see how Grey managed
to get you all to come after me.

THANDE
We all learned something, while you
were away and while the other were
away. We only seem to succeed when
we’re all together, not when we’re broken up.

DOCTOR WHAT
United we stand?
(laughs)

THANDE
Seems cheesy, but it’s true. The stuff that happen
in the Hub… well these things happen. The only thing
that matters is that we’re all together again.

DOCTOR WHAT
(nods)
What about Straha?

THANDE
(with a grin)
Fuck Straha.

DOCTOR WHAT grins and raises a drink.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A tiny battered ship floats in the vast blackness of space.

INT.- SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

MIKE COLLINS storms down a corridor, there’s a haze of smoke filling the entire place.

The smoke comes from a storage area that looks hastily converted into a bed room. STRAHA lies on a battered mattress, smoking.

MIKE COLLINS
Damn you, Straha!
I said no more smoking.

STRAHA
Huh?
Hey, you look funny.
(begins giggling)

MIKE COLLINS
Damn it!
(snatches doobie away from Straha)

STRAHA
Hey.. that’s my last one.

MIKE COLLINS
Good.
Now get your lazy ass up and
help me fix the damned
shift engines. Or else we’ll be
stuck here another week!

STRAHA
Huh?
Gimmie five minutes.
(He rolls over and falls asleep)

MIKE COLLINS
(glaring)
I could toss you out of an airlock, you know?

No response.

MIKE COLLINS
Bastard.
I should have just left him.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

EXT- SPACE- DAY

We see Earth. We slowly pan down to see…

The AH.COM Ship.

It is flying very rapidly towards us. Behind it we see several large galleon style spaceships—all of them emblazoned with large Papal Crosses. They are firing at the AH.COM ship.

INT. –AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM –DAY

The Bridge is a mess—smoke everywhere, debris scattered about, emergency lights on, etc.

We see LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF at the navigation/helm controls while KIT, GBW and MICHAEL are manning other stations.

IRONYUPPIE is in the Command Chair.

IRONYUPPIE
DAVE– get that Shift engine fired up!

DAVE HOWERY (o.v.)
I’m going to need a few minutes!
What the hell are you guys doing up there?

IRONYUPPIE
Getting our asses kicked!

LANDSHARK
This ass-kicking really isn’t the same without the assless
leather pants, the snorkel and the 6 inch stiletto shoes.

IRONYUPPIE
Later Sharkie love—there will be time for fun afterwards.
(shouting into communicator)
Dave—move your fat ass and get to it!

MICHAEL
(sotto voce)
Pot meet kettle.

KIT
Incoming communication! On screen!

The viewscreen shows a man in an elaborate robe sneering at the camera.

MAN
(sneering)
This is Captain Mackerel Snapper of the Righteous Fury.
Surrender now and be prepared to be boarded!

Suddenly we see a control panel behind CAPTAIN MACKERAL SNAPPER explode in a shower of sparks. CAPTAIN MACKERAL SNAPPER looks around in confusion and anger as alarms are going off. The viewscreen turns off.

MICHAEL
Hey! There’s another ship coming in!

IRONYUPPIE
On screen!

The viewscreen shows us several saucer shaped ships—each emblazoned with a Lotus Blossom design—come into view.

KIT
Incoming transmission—from both set of ships!

IRONYUPPIE
(sighing)
On screen!

SPLIT-SCREEN
We see CAPTAIN MACKERAL SNAPPER on the left and a man with a shaved head and wearing a red monk-like robe on the right.

CAPTAIN MACKERAL SNAPPER
What madness is this? Who dares to attack ships of the Papal Theocracy?
Have you taken leave of your senses? Identify yourselves!

MAN
(smiling)
The mind of perfect purity is beyond thinking and is inexplicable.
It dwells in the self-perfected bliss which is deedless and self-perfected.
It is a path, subtle and difficult to understand, which is non-speculative
and beyond thinking. It cannot be captured in words. It is firm, difficult
to comprehend, and totally inexplicable

CAPTAIN MACKERAL SNAPPER
What the hell is that suppose to mean?!

MAN
(suddenly frowning)
It means that you are going to pay off your Karma
at a vastly accelerated rate, asshat!

EXT.- SPACE- DAY

We see the two group of ships start blasting away at each other with weapon fire. The AH.COM ship is—for the moment—being ignored.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM –DAY

MICHAEL
Well—there’s something you don’t
see every day—militant Buddhists.

GBW
Perplexing to be sure.

LANDSHARK
Intriguing.

IRONYUPPIE
Screw them—they’re too busy shooting at each other
to pay any attention to us. That’s good enough for me.
Now, let’s slink off and run.

MICHAEL
We’ve gotten good at that lately.
(GBW nods)

IRONYUPPIE
(hitting button on chair)
Dave! What the heck is taking so long with the—

KIT
Incoming ships!

MICHAEL, IRONYUPPIE, GREY WOLF, GBW and LANDSHARK roll their eyes.

LANDSHARK
Who is it THIS time?

KIT
The ships are shaped like…Star of Davids?!

GREY WOLF
Oy vey…

MICHAEL
Hey—you know what this means? It means…

LANDSHARK
Don’t say it…

MICHAEL
JEWS… IN… SPAAAAAACE!

WHAM! LANDSHARK clobbers MICHAEL with a cricket bat and MICHAEL falls to the ground unconscious.

GREY WOLF
(glancing down at Michael)
Nice Off-Drive.

LANDSHARK
Damn! I was going for a Square Drive!

GREY WOLF
You’re pulling your leg in too soon on the follow through.
I can show you a few tips later.

LANDSHARK
Much appreciated.

IRONYUPPIE
What are the Jewish ships doing, kitten?

KIT
They seem to be attacking both the Papists and the Buddhists.

IRONYUPPIE
(nodding head)
Right. Ok—where was I? Oh yeah…
(hitting button on chair)
Yo DAVE! Where the hell is my Shift—

KIT
Another incoming ship! Incoming transmission!

IRONYUPPIE
All together now…

ALL
On screen!

The viewscreen shows a decrepit elderly lady. This is the ZOMBIE AYN RAND

ZOMBIE AYN RAND
For centuries, the mystics of spirit had existed by running a protection racket –
by making life on earth unbearable, then charging you for consolation and
relief, by forbidding all the virtues that make existence possible, then riding
on the shoulders of your guilt, by declaring production and joy to be sins, then
collecting blackmail from the sinners. No more! From this point on, the Collective
fights back!

EXT. – SPACE- DAY

We see a massive 4 way battle between the Papist space galleons, the Buddhist Lotus Blossom ships, the Jewish Star of David ships and the Ayn Rand Collective ships (all shaped like dollar signs). Off to one side—completely forgotten—is the AH.COM ship.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM –DAY

We see the bridge crew staring out. MICHAEL is slowly getting up off the floor.

LANDSHARK
You know—this is actually kind of cool.

GREY WOLF
(pulling out a PDA-like device and pressing a few buttons)
Damn it! I thought for sure that DIAMOND and FLOCC would
be in this timeline! Guess we just have to try the next one.

IRONYUPPIE
How many more we have to look through?

GREY WOLF
217—maybe more.

LANDSHARK
I’m not so supportive anymore on this
attempt to find those that left the ship.

GBW
But we can’t go into major battle
without MATT and WEAPON M…

MICHAEL
Then why are we looking for DIAMOND and FLOCC?

Long silence.

Everyone looks at GREY WOLF.

GREY WOLF
It’s a group effort, people!
Group Effort!
All of us in or none of us at all!

GBW
But won’t this sidetrack searching for missing crew members be
counterproductive in saving Doc’s life? I would assume that the
time we spent looking for Diamond, Flocc, Matt, and Weapon M
would be better spent making a plan to infiltrate and defeat whomever
has captured our former captain.

GREY WOLF
(beat)
It’s a Group Effort, People!

MICHAEL
Are we going to look for Straha too?

EVERYONE
Fuck no!

DAVE HOWERY
(on comm)
Hey, guys? Are we going to shift anytime soon? I mean you were just
screaming at me to fix the shift engines and I did, five minutes ago!
So are we shifting or not??
(beat)
Guys?

IRONYUPPIE
(sighing)
Very well—DAVE—engage!

The AH.COM ship enters a vortex and disappears.

LANDSHARK (o.v.)

I’m telling you guys—those two are having the time of their lives!

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“ONE FOR ALL & ALL FOR ONE”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

INT. –SLEAZY LOOKING OFFICE –DAY

We pan slowly across a decrepit looking office. The paint on the walls are a disgusting green colour and are peeling in a few places, the carpet is threadbare and may have been plaid once but what appears to be twenty years of dirt and grime has completely destroyed all traces of colour, while the furniture appears to be an eclectic mixture of designs and gives one the impression that they were basically picked up off the curb—or trash dumps.

We continue to slowly pan to a collection of chairs along one wall. The men sitting in the chairs are of various ages and races and have few similarities with each other.

Except one.

The eyes.

All of the men have the same ‘haunted look’ in their eyes. As if they have personally seen the horrors of Hell itself. One or two of the men seem to be severely traumatized and are rocking back and forth in their chairs, drooling slightly. Several other men have nervous tics on their faces.

None of the men are looking at one another.

We continue to pan over to the end of the line of chairs—to see FLOCC and DIAMOND sitting. They look—if possible—in even worse shape than the other men.

We continue to pan to see…

A man sitting behind a large desk. This is DAVID BAR ELIAS. He is smoking a very large cigar and clouds of foul looking smoke are obscuring him. He is talking on the telephone. Above him we see a large sign:

SEYMORE BUTTS LAST CHANCE ESCORT SERVICE
“Cause Everyone Needs Lovin’!”

DAVID BAR ELIAS
(talking into telephone)
Hello! How can I help you?
(beat)
Ah! Miss Crabbottom! Nice to hear from you! What can I do for you?
(starts writing on a notepad)
Uh-huh…uh-huh…yes…I see…uh-huh….you might want to put some ointment
on that, by the way…uh-huh…yup…no problemo…will do…
bye-bye!
(hangs up phone)
Yo DIAMOND! Get over here!

We see DIAMOND twitch and look at FLOCC. FLOCC glances at DIAMOND, shakes his head sadly and turns away. DIAMOND reluctantly gets up and walks towards DAVID BAR ELIAS

DAVID BAR ELIAS
Yo Diamond! Good news! You got yourself another gig!
It’s with Miss Crabbottom!

DIAMOND
(horrified whisper)
Oh God no…
(beat)
I’m begging you, man—anyone but her. Please!

DAVID BAR ELIAS
(making tsking sounds)
Really now DIAMOND—we at SEYMORE BUTTS make
it our mission to give fine escort service to EVERYONE!

DIAMOND
But she…she…oh God…
(starts sobbing softly)

DAVID BAR ELIAS
DIAMOND—300 pound spandex wearing housewives need lovin’ too!
So big deal she lives with six cats. And prefers to have sex in the cowgirl
position. And likes to get drunk beforehand. Remember our motto!

DIAMOND
When you absolutely have no other choice, come to us?

DAVID BAR ELIAS
No! The other one! “Cause everyone needs lovin’!”

DIAMOND
(sighing)
Alright I’ll go
(turns to leave)

DAVID BAR ELIAS
Just a second—stop over at props!

DIAMOND
Huh? Why?

DAVID BAR ELIAS
She’s paying extra for the ‘Sailor Boy’ fantasy—she wants
to try something called the “Deep Diving Submariner’!

DIAMOND hangs his head in shame and slowly shuffles down the corridor, weeping softly.

FLOCC
(sotto voce)
Buddha—I bet the other guys are having the time of their lives….

EXT.- FOREST- NIGHT

We see a dark forest. The forest is overgrown—almost choking—with thick bushes and undergrowth. A full moon shines down.

Suddenly—we see a flicker of movement. A figure–breathing heavily and almost obscured by shadows—quickly passes by the camera. Another, somewhat larger, figure does the same a few seconds later.

We slowly pan over the dark foreboding forest to see the two figures crouching beneath a tree.

We recognize them as MATT and WEAPON M. Both are in full Commando style gear (black uniform, night goggles, etc) . They’re whispering to each other.

MATT
This is bad…this is very bad.

WEAPON M
Steady kid—we can do this. Remember your training.

MATT
Can’t believe we’re actually doing this.

WEAPON M
A paycheck is a paycheck, dude. We’re soldiers
and we’re doing what we do best.

MATT
Still—this totally sucks.

WEAPON M
Would you prefer to be homeless and hungry? We’re being fed,
housed and paid to take care of a problem—a problem that is
best resolved through the copious use of gunfire and explosives.
Sounds like a sweet deal to me.

MATT
There’s a big difference between blowing away
Nazis and CF.Netters and doing….
(voice breaks)
…doing what we’re going to do.

WEAPON M
(shrugging shoulders)
We do what we have to.

MATT
Still! Having to hunt down and kill—

WEAPON M
Shhh! Movement at two o’clock!

MATT and WEAPON M stealthily move out, MATT going left and WEAPON M going right. We follow MATT as he sneaks through the forest trying to flank the oncoming…whatever.

MATT looks frantically around. All is deathly quiet. MATT taps his night goggles.

NIGHT GOGGLES POV
We see the entire forest in shades of pale green. We can see no heat sources whatsoever.

We go back to our original POV and see MATT still looking frantically around. He pulls out a small scanner and looks at it.

It has a small radar like display screen on it, with a line that sweeps backs and forth making beeping sounds. There’s nothing on the scanner.

Correction—there was nothing on the scanner.

Now there is.

There’s a small dot moving rapidly towards MATT’s position. The beeping sound of the movement scanner starts increasing in pitch and frequency.

MATT pulls out his BFG and points it ahead of him. The scanner is going completely crazy with beeping sounds.

CLOSE-UP MATT’S FACE
We see a small bead of sweat trickle down MATT’s face.

We hear and see movement ahead of him. Bushes are being moved, twigs are being trampled, leaves are being rustled…

Suddenly a figure appears in the clearing. It’s…

…a small yellow teddy bear with a white chest. It’s grinning and has an image of a smiling sun on its chest.

It’s a Care Bear!

MATT
(in total shock)
(out loud)
Funshine Bear?

FUNSHINE BEAR looks in MATT’s direction and smiles from ear to ear. MATT, still in shock, moves his gun down.

FUNSHINE BEAR spots MATT putting his gun down. It’s still smiling—but then the smile changes suddenly—to a snarling face—complete with huge fangs! It leaps at MATT!

MATT screams and brings his gun up—too late! FUNSHINE BEAR tackles MATT and knocks him to the ground!

We see a snarling FUNSHINE BEAR trying to bite MATT. It’s taking all of MATT’s skills and energy just to keep FUNSHINE BEAR from biting him. FUNSHINE BEAR claws MATT’s face and moves in to bite his neck…

BOOM!

FUNSHINE BEAR’s head gets literally blown off! The head goes one direction while the body—still clawing—falls in another.

MATT looks up to see—WEAPON M, holding a smoking BFG in his arms. WEAPON M helps MATT up.

WEAPON M
You okay, dude?

MATT
Funshine Bear?
(shakes head)
Yeah—I think so.

WEAPON M
You don’t often see that kind of behaviour in a Care Bear.

MATT
Uh-huh.

MATT picks up his gun and he and WEAPON M move deeper into the forest.

MATT
Man—hunting killer Care Bears. This has to be the suckiest
mercenary job we’ve ever had in the last three months!

WEAPON M
Worse than the one where we were hunting that Vorpal Rabbit?

MATT
Yes!

WEAPON M
Worse than the one where we had to clear out
those rats from that ancient temple?

MATT
Yes!

WEAPON M
What about the time where we had to track down that giant
radioactive mutant tumbleweed that was attacking people?

MATT
Even that one!

WEAPON M
Well, it’s this or back to working in the Hub, you want that?

MATT has a far away look.

Flash back wavy thingy.

INT. – HUB BURGER JOINT – DAY

WEAPON M is flipping burgers while MATT is manning the cash register. Suddenly ALT=LUAKEL walks up to MATT. ALT-LUAKEL slams down a wrapped package before MATT with a loud THUD!

MATT flinches from the sound.

ALT-LUAKEL
Tell me something!
Are you just stupid or is it because of all the inbreeding!

MATT
Uh…

ALT-LUAKEL suddenly slaps MATT.

ALT-LUAKEL
Does this look like a Triple Entente Burger?

MATT
Uh…

ALT-LUAKEL suddenly slaps MATT again.

ALT-LUAKEL
DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A TRIPLE ENTENTE BURGER!?

MATT
Uh…

ALT-LUAKEL suddenly slaps MATT once more.

ALT-LUAKEL
NOT IT’S NOT A TRIPLE ENTENTE BUGER!
IT’S A QUADRUPLE ENTENTE BURGER!
This is coming out of your pay check and you’re on
bathroom duty for the next two weeks. You hear me?

MATT
Yes, sir…

End flashback.

Wavy thingy.

EXT.- FOREST- NIGHT

MATT
(terrified voice)
No. Not that. Never that…
(shakes head)
I say we should have joined Doc and Grey.
I bet they’re having the time of their lives…

INT. – SHUTTLE ‘MYNX III’- DAY

THREE MONTHS AGO

We see DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF sitting at the controls. GREY WOLF is piloting while DOCTOR WHAT stares depressingly out the window.

GREY WOLF
Cheer up, Doc—we’ll find them!

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve been searching for weeks now, GW,
and we’re still no closer to finding them.
(sighs)
Damn—nothing in our lives are easy, isn’t it?

GREY WOLF
We’ll find them, Doc.
(beat)
Uh—still haven’t figured out what to say to her when you meet her?

DOCTOR WHAT
(gets a ‘pondering look’ on his face)
Hey Atta—how’s it going? Sorry about the whole ‘getting mind-controlled
by evil godlike aliens and hitting you and kicking you off my ship and trying
to destroy the universe’ thingy but rest assured that I’m feeling MUCH better
now and, by the way, how’s my kid doing? Was it a boy or a girl? I was thinking
that maybe you can see past this whole ‘abandoning you’ stuff and let me back I
nto your life. Won’t that be neat?
(beat)
What do you think?

GREY WOLF
Might need a bit of work.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing again)
Thought so.

We see DOCTOR WHAT pull out a small PDA-like device—looking identical to the one we saw GREY WOLF holding in the teaser. DOC pushes a few buttons and scrolls through the displays.

GREY WOLF
Are you even sure that information is correct?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking head)
Nope—but with the amount of stuff I had to trade to get this, it better be accurate.

GREY WOLF
(shrugging shoulders)
Still—a log of every timeline visited by every portal in the Pub and
every ship in the Hub in the two week period after that whole ASB
thing is only useful if…

DOCTOR WHAT
…if they left during that two week period and not afterwards or
if they didn’t decide to jump ship on a later timeline or if they
didn’t decide to do some kind of ‘grand tour’ and hop from one
timeline to another or a thousand other ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’ and ‘so forths’!
(sighs)
I know that all this is a long shot, GW—but this is the only lead I have.

GREY WOLF
I know and I’m sticking with you until the end, one way or the other.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks man.
(beat)
Wonder what’s the rest of the crew up to?

GREY WOLF
(shrugging shoulders)
Heard that a lot of the gang took off after we left.
Sharky and IY should still be there though.

DOCTOR WHAT
That would make them Captain and XO of the ship, wouldn’t it?

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF ponder this image for a few seconds.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think I may need a drink.

GREY WOLF
Same here.

DOCTOR WHAT hands the PDA to GREY WOLF, who slips the device into his pocket, and moves to the back of the shuttle. He pours two glasses of scotch from a bottle.

GREY WOLF
So—how do you think the crew who left are going to do?

DOCTOR WHAT walks to the front carrying two glasses and hands one to GREY WOLF and sits himself down.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling slightly)
Probably having the time of their lives, knowing those loonies.
If the adventures we’ve had has taught them anything, it’s being
able to survive in any situation and any timeline.

GREY WOLF sips his drink for a moment

GREY WOLF
You know Flocc and Diamond also left.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
Those poor bastards.

Klaxons start going off.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell?!

GREY WOLF
Ship Shifting in—practically right on top of us!

We see a phenomenally bright white light shine through the cockpit windows of the shuttle, blinding us the viewers and washing out everything.

CUT TO:

GREY WOLF surfacing from a pond, rain and thundering pouring down around him. He looks happy and exvited. Behind him we can see a large compound like structure, occasionally lit up by flashing of lightning.

GREY WOLF pumps his fist in the air, shouting.

Suddenly we see dark figure surrounding the pond, weapons drawn.

CUT TO:

GREY WOLF being pushed down a dark hallway by several uniformed figures wearing visors and carrying police batons. He trips and falls to the ground with a grunt. One of the figures bends over to pick up GREY WOLF…

…only to get punched in the groin by GREY WOLF! With an almost feral scream, GREY WOLF hits the stunned guard in the face with his fist and picks up his baton and clobbers the second guard with it. GREY WOLF looks frantically around and rushes down a corridor. We hear shouts and screams behind him. GREY WOLF runs into a large hanger bay and spots the MYNX III. He runs towards it just as we hear the sounds of alarms going off…

CUT TO:

The shuttle ‘MYNX III’ flying at high speed while being chased by several small fighter ships. They’re firing lasers at the shuttle and the shuttle is frantically weaving and dodging the shots.

CUT TO:

Interior of the shuttle. GREY WOLF’s hands are a blur as he is pressing buttons and switches.

COMPUTER VOICE
Warning! Activating Shift Engines without proper safety features engaged is highly inadvisable!

GREY WOLF
Blow it out your arse!

He presses one final sequence of buttons.

CUT TO:

Exterior of the shuttle as a vortex suddenly opens up in front of it, It flies into the vortex and it quickly closes behind it, leaving the fighter ships behind.

CUT TO:

GREY WOLF in the AH.Com hanger bay, looking at IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK and assorted other AH.commers.

GREY WOLF
Doc….
(passes out)

CUT TO:

GREY WOLF standing in front of the collected AH.commers in the Battle Room.

GREY WOLF
We have to save Doc! I have a plan!
(waves PDA around)

CUT TO:

INT. – DOC’S READY ROOM- DAY

We see GREY WOLF wake up with a start from the chair he was sleeping in. There’s a black cat resting on his lap.

GREY WOLF
(patting MYNX)
Don’t worry girl—we’ll get your owner back—if it’s the last thing I do.
If I can’t do that, I’ll bring back enough of him for you to play with.
Okay?
(Mynx purrs contently)

There’s a beeping sound from the door.

GREY WOLF
Come in.

We see that it’s GBW.

GBW
Just wanted you to know that we’ll be arriving at the next timeline in
just a few minutes. Hopefully we will have better luck with this one.

GREY WOLF
I hope so, GBW—I hope so.
Could you get Mynx a saucer of milk while you’re up?

INT. -SEYMORE BUTTS ESCORT OFFICE – DAY

We see FLOCC and DIAMOND seated at some chairs. Both look slovenly, unshaven and seem to be plagued by strange facial twitches.

DIAMOND pulls a handgun from his pocket and places it between them. Pulling out a half empty bottle of some strange looking green liquor, he takes a shot straight from the bottle and grimaces at the taste. Picking up the handgun, he points it at his head and pulls the trigger.

CLICK!

Wordlessly, DIAMOND hands the gun to FLOCC. FLOCC takes a shot of the green liquor, grimacing as well. He points the gun at his head and pulls the trigger.

CLICK!

FLOCC hands the gun over to DIAMOND. He takes a shot of liquor and points the gun at his head.

TIGHT ON: Gun trigger being squeezed.

We are suddenly interrupted by a beeping sound. With a look of confusion and annoyance, DIAMOND puts the gun down and digs into his pocket to pull out…

…a communicator.

DIAMOND
(speaking into communicator)
(shocked and stunned voice)
Hello?

GREY WOLF
(o.v.)
DIAMOND! You old crazy Yank! It’s me—GREY WOLF!
Listen—I know that this is rather unexpected and sudden but
I was wondering if you would like to rejoin the old crew and—

DIAMOND
Yes.

GREY WOLF
–uh, I haven’t told you why…

DIAMOND
Doesn’t matter—when can you pick us up?

GREY WOLF
–uh—and I had a whole speech and everything worked out and everything…
(beat)
Ummmm—we just Shifted in—we can teleport you up in about 15 minutes or so.

DIAMOND
We have to stay here another 15 minutes?!

FLOCC grabs the bottle and takes another generous gulp of it.

FLOCC
Not sure if I can hold out that long….

GREY WOLF
(very confused)
Um…I suppose…maybe 10 minutes if we hurry…?

DIAMOND
Yes—please hurry!

FLOCC
By the Buddha and all that is holy—please do!

GREY WOLF
On the way.

FLOCC and DIAMOND smile at each other and stand up and walk towards DAVID BAR ELIAS.

FLOCC/DIAMOND
(together)
We quit!

They high-five each other and walk out the office, smiling and whistling. DIAMOND looks at the gun he is holding in his hand and shrugs his shoulders. He throws it behind as he walks out.

TIGHT ON: Gun skidding on the floor for a few seconds and coming to a rest before several of the male escorts- DOETH, ADAM, FABILIUS, RAN EXILIS and BLACKMAGE. They stare at the gun for a few seconds then at each other.

All of them simultaneously jump on the gun.

DOETH
Give me that!

ADAM
My turn first!

FABILIUS
I’ve been here longest!

RAN EXILIS
Hey—there’s only one bullet in here! What do we do?

BLACKMAGE
Hey—I know! Why don’t we just put all our heads together
and have the bullet go all the way through?

ALL
Good plan!

They all put their heads together. BLACKMAGE puts the gun to his head and starts to squeeze the trigger….

END ACT 1

ACT II

INT. –AH.COM SHIP- BATTLE ROOM- DAY

GREY WOLF, FLOCC, DIAMOND, GBW, IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK are in the room.

GREY WOLF
This is great! We almost have the whole crew back together again!

DIAMOND
Wait—hang on—run all this by me again.
What the heck is going on here?

GREY WOLF
I told you—me and Doc got captured by this ship that came out
of nowhere. We got separated but I was able to escape and steal
back our shuttle. I managed to make it back to the ah.com and
we’ve been spending the last few days jumping from one timeline
to another trying to find you guys.
(smiling)
And we finally found you two! I have a good feeling about the next jump!
I’m sure we’ll find MATT and WEAPON M soon!

FLOCC
But who captured you? And why?

GREY WOLF
Beats the hell out of me—I was too busy trying to keep my head
from being smashed in to ask them any questions. I got the impression,
however, that they were more interested in Doc than in me.

FLOCC
Oh man—déjà vu.

DIAMOND
I’m still trying to figure this out—who wants to capture Doc?

GBW
Who doesn’t? Between the Fallen, Ward, the Mirror AH.Com ship,
Atta, the Neanderthals and the ASBs, there’s probably not a single
universe in existence where Doc is safe.

GREY WOLF
Well then—we have our work cut out for us!
But we can do this if we’re a team! Right?
(looks expectantly around to the other AH.commers)

We hear vague noncommittal sounds from the group.

GREY WOLF
(more forceful)
Riii-iiight?

OTHER AH.commers
(together)
Yeah/I guess/Uh-huh/I suppose so/Eh-whatever…

GREY WOLF
(clapping hands)
Right! Ok—off we go to the next timeline!

He leaves the room. A few seconds later, the rest of the gang leaves as well.

INT. –AH.COM = CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We see assorted AH.commers at their stations or standing around.

LEO
We’ve arrived, people. Entering orbit in just a few minutes.

GREY WOLF
What have you got for us?

LEO
Preliminary scans indicate a predominantly agricultural based society—
numerous small towns and villages scattered across most of the continents
but very few large cities. Technology seems to be at Medieval Europe level—
but there are many indications of extensive ruins and abandoned cities.
(beat)
Strange—the ruins and abandoned cities seem to indicate a level of technology
far in excess of the current technology. It’s almost as if there was a massive war
or cataclysm of some sort and everyone got knocked down a few pegs in technology….

GREY WOLF
All very interesting I’m sure, LEO—but do
you see any indication of MATT or WEAPON M?

LEO
Just a moment…
(beat)
I seem to have picked up a very faint signal coming from MATT’s
communicator coming from the southern Appalachian Mountains—
specifically the area between Tennessee and
North Carolina known as the Smoky Mountains.

GBW
Strong enough to lock in a teleporter signal?

LEO
Negative.

IRONYUPPIE
Can we call him on the communicator?

LEO
Been trying to—no response.

GREY WOLF
Guess we just have to take down a shuttle.

IRONYUPPIE
Time to save that jarhead’s ass again—Sharkie, Grey,
Diamond and Flocc—you’re coming with me. GBW—
you’re in charge while we’re gone.

The five AH.commers leave.

INT. – SHUTTLE MYNX III – DAY

LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF are piloting the shuttle. Seated behind them are DIAMOND, FLOCC and IRONYUPPIE.

IRONYUPPIE
(turning to face FLOCC and DIAMOND)
So guys—what did you two do to keep yourself busy during the last 3 months?

FLOCC and DIAMOND exchange a glance.

DIAMOND
Uh–spreading word of the good Reformist Sheepist religion to all.

FLOCC
And the wonders of Goatism, for it is written:
There is no Goat but Goat, and Flocculencio is its Prophet.

IRONYUPPIE
So these t-shirts that fell out of your duffel bags don’t belong to you?

IRONYUPPIE pulls out two bright yellow t-shirts that are riddled with holes and various unidentifiable stains. Written on the front of each shirt are the words ‘SEYMORE BUTTS ALL-STAR MAN-BITCH BASEBALL TEAM’. The shirts each have a name predominantly written in the back –one has ‘DIAMOND’ and the number 6 _; the other has ‘FLOCCULENCIO’ and the number 7 _ .

DIAMOND
Uh—we can explain…

FLOCC
It was a …ummmm…charity thing….

IRONYUPPIE
(grinning)
Suuuuuuu-uuuure.

DIAMOND
You’re never going to let us forget this, are you?

FLOCC
Dude—she’s evil—what do you think?

LANDSHARK turns around and faces them.

LANDSHARK
(nodding head)
Yes. Yes, she is.
(beat)
That’s why I like her so much!

IRONYUPPIE
(quiet menacing voice)
Sharkie love—did I give you permission to speak?

LANDSHARK
(hangs head in shame)
No dear.

IRONYUPPIE
You realize what this means?

LANDSHARK
I have to wear the gimp mask all day tomorrow?

IRONYUPPIE
AND the assless chaps!

LANDSHARK smiles.

FLOCC
(turning to face DIAMOND)
Any forks on you?

DIAMOND
(depressed voice)
No.
(hangs head in shame)

FLOCC
Where’s that gun we had?

GREY WOLF
Ok people—we’re here!

EXT. – RUINS – DAY

We see the shuttle come to a landing outside a seemingly abandoned set of ruined buildings.

After a few minutes, we see the AH.commers come out, all carrying BFGs.

DIAMOND
Where is everyone?

GREY WOLF
(looking at scanner)
Doesn’t appear to be anyone here except….
(makes some adjustments to scanner)
One life sign! In that building over there!

The AH.commers all walk towards the building. There’s a locked door barring their passage.

IRONYUPPIE uses her electric yo-yo to smash through the door. They walk in.

INT. –DARK BUILDING – DAY

We see the building appears to be some kind of storage building—there are piles of cobwebbed and smashed boxes and crates everywhere. FLOCC turns to look at the entrance they just came through.

FLOCC
Whoa—guys—the door.

They look at the door. There are piles of debris scattered all around the door—almost as if someone tried to create a make-shift barricade.

The AH.commers exchange a glance with one another and continue to walk into the building, many of them with nervous and worried looks on their faces.

GREY WOLF
(looking at scanner)
There! Over there in the corner!

The AH.commers rush towards the corner to find…

…MATT.

Unconscious, bruised and bloody.

EXT- OUTSIDE BUILDING- DAY

We see MATT—now conscious and sporting many bandages—drinking a cup of water.

MATT
It was horrible, man! Me and WEAPON M were tracking these things
when we walked right into an ambush! They were all around us! They
grabbed WEAPON M and carried him off before I had a chance to go
after them! Then that’s when they turned on me! Practically the whole
fucking tribe was chasing me! They were all around me, snarling and
clawing and biting! I ran into that building there and threw anything
that wasn’t nailed down at the door! Even then—they kept trying to get
at me for a few hours before eventually giving up. That was…
(beat)
Last night, I think.
(grim faced)
We have to save him!

DIAMOND
What things?

MATT
Care Bears! Evil, cannibalistic fucking Care Bears!

The AH.commers look at one another.

FLOCCULENCIO hands MATT his flask, from which he eagerly gulps from.

LANDSHARK
(talking to IRONYUPPIE)
Maybe that helmet he wears finally crushed his brain?

MATT
I’m serious!
Walking, snarling, killer fucking Care Bears.
(shakes head )
They were so fuzzy.. and so dangerous.

MATT gets up and grabs his gun.

MATT
(grim-faced)
If you’re not joining me, then I’ll do it myself.

MATT walks off. The AH.commers look at each other, shrug their shoulders and follow him.

SOMETIME LATER

EXT – FOREST – DAY

FLOCC
Whoa, whoa, whoa—say this again.

MATT
These Care Bears were apparently a genetically engineered weapon
made long ago by the civilization that was here before. As near as me
and WEAPON M could figure, there was a big war years ago that nearly
killed off everyone and knocked the survivors back into the Medieval
age. But lots of their weapons still survived in some of the ruins. The
Care Bears have been preying on the locals in the area for a few years
now so we hired ourselves out as pest killers, so to speak. We thought
it was going to be a simple job. I mean—really—killer Care Bears!
Who would have figured?

DIAMOND
So what do you think the Care Bears want with WEAPON M?

MATT
(shrugging)
Who knows? But it can’t be good….

The AH.commers come to a large ominous looking cave. We see numerous old animal and human bones and skulls scattered about the entrance. Strange growling sounds can be heard coming from within.

MATT turns to face the AH.commers.

MATT
(grim faced)
(holding his gun)
Remember: wild, uncontrolled bursts.

He nods, turns around and goes in. The AH.commers follow.

INT.- CAREBEAR CAVES OF DOOM – NIGHT

We see the AH.commers slowly walking through a dark, dank corridor made of concrete blocks. There are faint artificial lights flickering on the ceiling above them.

DIAMOND
Hey—this place looks man-made.

MATT
Told you—lots of weird ruins all over the place here.

MATT is looking at his motion scanner.

MATT
Nothing on scanners…

DIAMOND
Maybe they don’t show up on scanners…

LANDSHARK
It’s hot as hell in here.

FLOCC
(slapping Landshark on the back)
Yeah, man—but it’s a dry heat!

The lights flicker—then suddenly get turned off.

MATT
They cut the power!

DIAMOND
What do you mean THEY cut the power?
How could they cut the power, man?
They’re animals!

We hear screeching and growling from behind the AH.commers.

DIAMOND
They’re coming outta the walls.
They’re coming outta the goddamn walls!
We’re fucked!

The AH.commers start blasting wildly behind them. We hear many screams but the growling and screeching are getting louder—and closer.

MATT
There’s too many of them! We’re surrounded!

GREY WOLF
(pointing down another corridor)
This way!

The AH.commers rush down the corridor, MATT and IRONYUPPIE providing covering fire. After a few seconds IRONYUPPIE turns and runs. MATT follows a second or two later, shooting behind him. He runs toward the entrance of the room the AH.commers ran to.

Behind him—we see a great many moving shadows come closer….

INT.- DIFFERENT PART OF CAREBEAR CAVES OF DOOM – NIGHT

MATT rushes into the room. DIAMOND and FLOCC slowly move an old and rusted steel door across the entrance, blocking it. GREY WOLF and LANDSHARK start dumping various rocks and debris onto the door to barricade it.

We hear VERY loud growling from right outside the door.

Suddenly a dent appears in the door!

First one, then two—then over a dozen more in quick succession. We hear more and more growling.

Then—after a few seconds—the growling fades away to nothing.

MATT is looking at his scanner.

MATT
Oh crap– We’ve got multiple signals…readings off the chart!

CLOSE-UP SCANNER: A mass of dots moving rapidly towards them.

MATT
They’re going to try another attempt at the door! Everyone get ready!

The AH.commers all pull out their guns, back away from the entrance and aim them at the door.

MATT
25 meters!

CLOSE-UP SCANNER: A HUGE mass of dots moving rapidly towards them.

MATT
20 meters!

We see the AH.commers dripping in sweat

MATT
15 meters!

We see several of the AH.commers exchange one or two confused glances.

GREY WOLF
That can’t be right…

LANDSHARK
That’s inside the room…

MATT
That’s what the scanner is showing! 12 meters!

CLOSE-UP SCANNER: The dots have basically merged together into one giant mass—and it’s moving rapidly towards them.

The AH.commers are now all looking around in confusion—then, as one, they all look up at the ceiling.

MATT
(looking up)
Oh… shit…
(beat)
Somebody boost me up!

IRONYUPPIE grabs MATT and lifts him up to the ceiling. He lifts up one of the ceiling panels.

MATT POV—he’s looking all around the ceiling crawlspace and faces the camera—and gasps.

Coming right us are dozens and dozens of…

CARE BEARS!

MATT drops to the ground. Seconds later—Care Bears starts jumping through the ceiling into the room! Their evil hissing and snarling fill the room.

The AH.commers are blasting wildly around. Dozens of Care Bears are getting killed—but more keep showing up!

GREY WOLF falls to the ground—and does a double take.

On the ground—barely visible—the outline of a trap door.

GREY WOLF
(ripping open the trap door)
In here!

FLOCC, DIAMOND, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE leap in. MATT is still firing away at the Care Bears.

MATT
Come on! Come on! Come and get it, baby!
(blasts a few Care Bears)
Come on! Let’s go, yeah, come on!
(mows down a few more Care Bears)
Come on! Come and get it you bastards!
(blasts a Care Bear coming at him from the right)
Come on, you too!
(blasts a Care Bear coming at him from the left)
Oh, you want some of this? Fuck you!

LANDSHARK sticks his head out of the trap door.

LANDSHARK
GET YOUR ARSE IN HERE!!

MATT turns and jumps into the trap door, shutting it behind him.

LANDSHARK
(o.v.)
BLOODY COLONIAL!!

INT. – TUNNELS –NIGHT

We see the AH.commers rushing through some small dark tunnels. We hear more growling coming from behind them.

They come to a ladder and start frantically climbing up. MATT is the last to come to the ladder and looks through his pockets for a few seconds, before pulling out a grenade. He climbs up the ladder, holding the grenade in one hand.

INT. -ANOTHER ROOM OF CARE BEAR CAVES OF DOOM – NIGHT

MATT comes out of the trapdoor, pulls the pin out of the grenade and drops it into the hole, slamming the trapdoor shut. We hear a distant boom.

MATT
Last grenade, guys.

IRONYUPPIE
Where the hell are we?

They look around.

We hear muffled groans coming from nearby.

We see WEAPON M tied down on an altar like structure. He’s struggling at his restraints, trying to break free. Standing above him, holding a knife, is a red-robed Care Bear. Surrounding the High Priest Care Bear are other Care Bears, wearing brown robes.

HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR
Intruders! Attack my minions!

The acolyte Care Bears rush at the AH.commers.

There is a very short but intense firefight. Bullets are ricocheting all over the room. The HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR ducks down. Several bullets hit the altar. After a few seconds, all of the acolyte Care Bears are dead.

The AH.commers look at the High Priest Care Bear.

HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR
(still holding the knife over WEAPON M’s body)
Don’t make another move! The sacrifice will go as planned!
None of you will be able to shoot me fast enough to stop me
from killing your companion! Drop your weapons! Drop them now!

The AH.commers look around in confusion and—reluctantly—drop their guns.

HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR
(laughing maniacally)
Yes—the time of the Care Bear Ascension
is at hand! In just a few moments—
when the stars are in the right alignment—
I shall sacrifice your friend to the
Dark Gods and I shall be granted
UNLIMITED POWER! All of the humans
on this forsaken planet will bow
before their new Lord and Master!

HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR starts laughing insanely—but his laugh is suddenly cut short by a fist that rises up and smashes him in the face. HIGH PRIEST CARE BEAR stops laughing, gets a cross-eyed look on his face—and falls backwards.

CAMERA PANS DOWN: We see–

Weapon M, rubbing his fist.

WEAPON M
Damn Care Bears.
(looks at DIAMOND)
Hey dude—great thinking there
shooting the ropes off my arms.

DIAMOND
Uh…
(beat)
Yeah! I meant to do that! Yes I did!

IRONYUPPIE
Shouldn’t we be getting out of here?

WEAPON M
(getting up off of altar)
Damn straight! Follow me—
there’s a secret exit out of here
that they brought me through.

MATT
Hold on a moment.

MATT heads to where the HIGH PREIST CARE BEAR fell. The view is partially blocked by the altar, but MATT reaches down and suddenly his fists begin smashing down.

MATT
Mother Fucking Care Bears!
(continues punching)
Mother!
Fucking!
Care!
Bears!

The AH.commers watch for a moment, then FLOCC and DIAMOND race to MATT’s side, dragging him away. Still cursing and snarling, MATT gives one last kick.

MATT
Fucking Care Bears…
(brushes tuffs of Care Bear fur from his hands)
‘Kay, let’s go now.

The AH.commers give one another a look, shake their heads, and all leave.

INT. –SHUTTLE MYNX III – DAY

We see the whole gang sitting in the shuttle.

WEAPON M
So—some asshole has kidnapped the Doc?

GREY WOLF
Yes.

WEAPON M
And you know what timeline they’re in?

GREY WOLF
(tapping PDA)
Yup!

WEAPON M
And the whole gang is back together?

GREY WOLF
(smiling)
Yes—the whole team!

WEAPON M
So what the fuck are we waiting for? Let’s kick some ass!

The crew cheers.

EXT- SHUTTLE MYNX II- DAY

GREY WOLF (o.v.)
Is it Ass or Arse?

LANDSHARK (o.v.)
Arse.

MATT (o.v.)
No way—it’s ass.

LANDSHARK (o.v.)
Arse!

MATT (o.v.)
ASS!

LANDSHARK (o.v.)
ARSE!!

We hear sounds of punches. The shuttle begins to fly a little erratically.

END ACT II

TAG

INT- DARK ROOM- NIGHT

We see a bright blaze of light—like a door being opened. It illuminates a figure huddled in the corner.

It’s DOCTOR WHAT.

He looks bruised and battered and is blinking confusedly at the bright light.

A shadow comes into the room.

TIGHT ON: DOCTOR WHAT

We see DOCTOR WHAT squint his eyes—and then he gasps in shock and recognition.

DOCTOR WHAT
You!!

FEMALE VOICE
Yes, DOCTOR WHAT!
(beat)
I have to admit that you have been a most ANNOYING pest!
But I’m glad that we’ve had this opportunity to finally meet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wha…what are you going to do with me?

FEMALE VOICE
Why—kill you, my good Doctor.
Kill you slowly and painfully.
Enjoy your time Doc—because
in precisely 24 hours you’ll be dead!

We see the shadow leave the room. DOCTOR WHAT is looking in fear and terror at the figure as it leaves.

The door closes—plunging the room back into darkness.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

TWO MONTHS AGO

A vortex opens up and out pops a ship.

Pan in toward the ship and we see that it is the AH.com ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW is sitting at his piloting suite, looking at a monitor filled with scrolling numbers and complicated looking images.

Close up of LANDSHARK glaring.

LANDSHARK
(harshly)
Oi! You in the front.
Quit looking at those schematics
of whatever it is you’re looking at.
One’d thing you were looking at porn.

GBW looks startled and quickly begins closing down the windows on his monitor.

MICHAEL
GBW? Looking at porn?
Well, maybe if it was guy porn.
(laughs hysterically at his own joke)

GBW
I was just-

KIT
(perking up)
Guy porn? Where?

MICHAEL
Umm… Othniel’s got a stash in his room.

KIT jumps up and races out the door.

LANDSHARK
Is no one aware that we
have just arrived to a
new universe?

IRONYUPPIE
Shush now Sharky.
You’re getting that throbbing
vein in your forehead again.
You know how unattractive that is.

LANDSHARK
I would not be getting this
throbbing vein in my forehead if
people were not so bloody stupid
and did exactly what I said.

KIT pokes his head back into the Control Room.

KIT
Someone say throbbing?

LANDSHARK
I get no respect on this ship, as captain
I should be worshipped as a god at least!

IRONYUPPIE
Quiet now, Sharky. Or it’s the ball gag for you again.

LANDSHARK
Yes ma’am!

Pull out from the close in shot of LANDSHARK and we see LANDSHARK on his hands and knees, dressed in a frilly pink skirt and with IRON YUPPIE sitting upon his back. She slowly twirls a crop in her hand as she watches the viewscreen.

IRONYUPPIE
Alright, boys and girls.
This is our first mission without the Doc on board.
So let’s show this world what it is to be AH.commers!

MICHAEL
(lackadaisically)
Yay.

INT. – DARK STONE HALL – NIGHT

TWO WEEKS AGO

Pan through a long hall, it’s lined with barred cells.

VOICE
(badly off key)
I’m Hen-ery the Eighth I am
Hen-ery the Eighth I am
I am married to the widow next door
She’s been married seven times before

SECOND VOICE
PLEEEEAAASEEE SHUUUUUT UUUPPP!!!

VOICE
And ev’ry one was an Hen-ery
She wouldn’t have a Willie or a Sam
No sir!

Pan into:

INT. – DARK CELL – NIGHT

We see a large wall poster of Rachel Welch in a furry bikini, we see the poster flutter and move. A figure drops out from behind it, carrying a small sack filled with dirt. He looks up.

It’s GREY WOLF.

GREY WOLF
I’m her eighth old man
I’m Hen-ery
Hen-ery the eighth I am!

SECOND VOICE
PLEEEEAAASEEE SHUUUUUT UUUPPP!!!
(sobbing)

GREY WOLF
(looking around)
Who said that?
(shrugs)

GREY WOLF starts humming to himself, picking up a large plastic bag and shoving things into it. He gathers up a length of rope, looks around.

GREY WOLF
(smiling)
Now, for the Houdini Act.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“A SHIP CALLED AH.COM”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

RIGHT…NOW

A vortex opens and out plops the AH.com ship.

Pull in on it and we see it pocked, burned, scorched, battered, and even rusted in many places. A trail of green gas is left in its wake.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

GBW sits hunkered in his piloting suite. His eyes nervously scanning the monitors before him, which flicker and dim. Pull out a bit and we see GBW is looking very rough around the edges, his hair is mussed, what appears to be several weeks of growth covers his face, and his eyes are red rimmed and exhausted.

IRONYUPPIE
We lose ‘em?

Pan across the Control Room and we see everyone disheveled and exhausted.

MICHAEL
I.. I think so. Oh, Holy Sheep, please it be so…

KIT
We can’t take this much longer, can we?

LANDSHARK
I don’t know about you, but I find it a bit refreshing.

Pull in on LANDSHARK and we see him alert and smiling.

MICHAEL
You’re just a bloody glutton for abuse.

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
I trained him well.

A buzzing sound fills the Control Room, a voice can barely be discerned over it.

VOICE
…ey..oin…n.. ere..

IRONYUPPIE
What was that?

LANDSHARK
Damned it I know.

INT. – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY bangs the intercom button but all he hears is static.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn, intercom.
Someone needs to fix it.

Pull out from DAVE HOWERY and we see him standing in the middle of the Engineering Bay. Smoke, sparks, and hissing valves give the place a eerie hellish glow.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, Psycho!
Forget cleaning up the soda spill, we’ve
got a plasma leak that needs fixing!
Hey, G.Bone!
Stop doodling and get your ass over to the
shield generators. We need them back up!
(looks about hands on hip and scratching thick beard)
If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my quarters having
all kinds of sex with Keira Knightly.
(wanders off)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why does he still say her full name?
I think we’ve all got it by now.
I mean, I’ve been calling her Kerry for the past month.

G.BONE
Oh, you mean when the two of you were trapped in the Mess Hall
and those multiverse pirates boarded us and tried selling us into slavery,
and only because of the bravery of Bobo and DMA did we manage to
get free and run the hell out of there.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah

G.BONE
(thoughtful pause)
I think he’s still rubbing in the fact that he’s banging
away at the most attractive woman on the ship.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Don’t let Yuppie hear you say that, else
she’ll take ‘em off like she did Sharkboy.

G.BONE
I may be slow, lazy, and occasionally
spaced out, but I’m not that stupid.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait…what did Dave just tell us what to do?

G.BONE
Dunno, I stopped listening when he started to talk.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, me too.
Wanna go see if there’s any booze in the mess hall?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

DAVE HOWERY is walking down the corridor.

There’s a clanking noise and from around the corner come DMA and OTHNIEL, both heavily armed and wearing body armor.

DMA
We’re not getting boarded?

DAVE HOWERY
No, we escaped.

DMA
Bugger. I was hoping to shoot someone today.

OTHNIEL
Can I take off this armor?
It’s kinda hot inside it.

DMA
You’re a soldier now, boyo.
Buck up and be a man.

OTHNIEL
But-
(passes out)

DMA
Bloody Yanks.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, I’m standing right here.

DMA
So?

DAVE HOWERY
Think we should take him to the med bay?

DMA
Only girly men go to the med bay!
Let him sweat it out.

DAVE HOWERY
You’re taking this whole being in charge
of security thing a bit far aren’t you?

DMA levels his rifle at DAVE HOWERY.

DMA
I don’t like the tone of your voice. It’s too high pitched.
Make it deeper, more baritone. Like a real man, not
some soft handed limp wrist grease monkey.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, now you’re getting a little insulting.

DMA
I’ll show you insulting, half a man!

Cut to:

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

THANDE and TORQUMADA are standing around something, their backs turned to the camera, we can’t see what they’re looking at.

THANDE
I think it’s cute.

TORQUMADA
Cute? Surely the stench of ammonia has rotted your brain.

THANDE
You don’t find it cute?

TORQUMADA
I find it slightly grotesque.
Like watching a flat chested woman walk down the
street in a bikini top. Such things are unnatural, I say!

THANDE
I would think there are more, ahem, flat chested
women than there are overly endowed women.

TORQUMADA
Not in my world, chemie boy.

THANDE
I had hoped you’d stop calling me that.
I stopped calling you sawbones, meat handler,
and crazy insane guy with a scalpel.

TORQUMADA
Just shows that you have a
deficiency in you own personality.
(beat)
With a little surgery, I can fix that…

THANDE
(shakes head)
So what are we going to do about this?

TORQUMADA
I say we flush one down the toilet and
stick the other under a heat lamp.

THANDE
A bit harsh, don’t you think?

TORQUMADA
Harsh?
Oh, we weren’t going for a cruel
and unusual way of killing them?

THANDE
No, there was no talk of killing them. We were here
to resolve the issue of how to best make Luakel as
comfortable as he can be, in his condition.

Pan to what they are standing in front of.

There’s a large glass tube sitting upon a metal table, inside of it floats a brain attached to some wires. On the glass tube there is a piece of masking tape with something scrawled on it. LUAKEL.

Sitting beside it, with what can only be called an appendage upon the glass, is BOBO.

TORQUMADA
I do not like the direction where this little friendship of theirs is going.

THANDE
Why?

TORQUMADA
Because the other day I saw Bobo
trying to have it’s way with Luakel.

THANDE
Is that possible?
Umm.. What sex is Bobo anyway?

TORQUMADA
I don’t know, to tell you the truth.
I just cobbled him together from various genes and
bits of DNA I found on several away missions.

THANDE
But you don’t go on any away missions.

TORQUMADA
There was a time…
(sighs)
Anyway, I’d rather not have Bobo’s feelings hurt
when Luakel eventually spurns his advances.

THANDE
What about Luakel’s feelings?

TORQUMADA
What about them?

THANDE
I thought as much. But you
have to realize that Luakel,
in his new non body form,
may just swing in the brainy direction.

TORQUMADA
You mean he’d welcome Bobo’s
advances with… open arms?

THANDE
Sure why not?

TORQUMADA
It is possible.
What do you say Luakel?

There’s a small flurry of bubbles and LUAKELBRAIN slowly moves from side to side.

TORQUMADA
I need to install some kind of communication device with him.

THANDE
You mean he hasn’t been able to communicate these last three months?

TORQUMADA
You hadn’t noticed?

THANDE
Well I have been concentrating on trying to stay alive these last months.

TORQUMADA
It has been a bit of a chore having to patch everyone up on a daily basis.

BOBO
Bobo. Like. Luakel.
Bobo. Like. Luakel.
A. Lot.

TORQUMADA
Well that question is solved.
Let’s go to lunch.

THANDE
(surprised)
You’re actually inviting me to lunch?
I feel so honored!

TORQUMADA
No, I was inviting Bobo.
(awkward beat)
Now this is kind of embarrassing.
(another awkward beat)

THANDE
You’re not going to invite me are you?

The Med Bay doors open up and OTHNIEL comes in, dragging an unconscious DMA and DAVE HOWERY. He’s seating profusely and is barely standing

TORQUMADA
What happened here?

OTHNIEL
I don’t know.
I woke up to find them both unconscious on the floor.

Thnady
Well, you’re a pretty lass, I’m sure they were just fighting
over who would take advantage of your unconscious state.

OTHNIEL
But… Dave has Keira and..
DMA has the holy sheep…

TORQUMADA
It’s only a matter of time, no matter how attractive the women
he has intercourse with, that a man will begin to look afar for
more greener pastures.

OTHNIEL
But Keira Knightly…

TORQUMADA
Especially with a woman as semi attractive as that
nigh breastless abomination that stalks our corridors.

THANDE
I think she’s cute.

TORQUMADA
You’d think Luakel Brian there would be cute, if I put
a wig on his bowl and painted lipstick on his glass and
stuck him atop a plastic mannequin…
(fades off and goes into a thoughtful silence)
No. no. Where would one find a decent plastic mannequin these days?
(shakes head)
(notices Othniel looking horribly exhausted)
What’s wrong with you?

OTHNIEL
I think I have a fever or something.

TORQUMADA
Then why was I not allowed to poke and prod you?

OTHNIEL
Medicine is an abomination in the eyes of God.

TORQUMADA
Now you sold you that pack of lies?

OTHNIEL
This guy I was talking to in the Hub.

TORQUMADA
Is he the fat one in the Edwardian suit selling snake oil?

OTHNIEL
Yeah…

TORQUMADA
(shakes head)
Alright, let’s check that fever.
(puts on latex gloves)
Now drop your pants and bite on this.
(tosses Othniel a mouth guard)

OTHNIEL
What?

THANDE
Can I stay and watch?

TORQUMADA
As long as you promise not to get aroused by what you are going to see.

THANDE sighs and walks out of the Med Bay.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR –DAY

THANDE is walking down the corridor, his hands stuffed into his lab coat pocket, muttering angrily to himself.

LEO CAESIUS
What’s on your mind, Thande?

THANDE
Bloody doctor.
Bloody Torq!

LEO CAESIUS
Oh, that again.
You need to learn to handle him.

THANDE
But I just so desperately want to be friends with him.

LEO CAESIUS
(beat)
Why?

THANDE
(pause)
I don’t know why.

LEO CAESIUS
Is it because he reminds you of a father figure, now
that Weapon M, Grey Wolf, and Doc are gone?

THANDE
Um… I’m not sure.

LEO CAESIUS
Or is it just that you have latent homosexual feelings for him?
Because if you do, I’m sure there’s a way that can be
resolved in a non embarrassing and gratifying way.

THANDE
What?
No.
NO!
I do not want to have sex with Torq!

Pan down the corridor and see HENDRYK staring at THANDE.

HENDRYK
Um… I think I’m down the wrong corridor.

THANDE
Damn it.
You set me up, didn’t you Leo!

There is only an electronic chuckle in response.

THANDE
Just forget what you just heard, Hendryk.

HENDRYK
Like all mind traumatizing things
that go on in this ship, I already have.

THANDE
Good to hear, old chap.
Now, what are you up to?

HENDRYK
What do you mean?

THANDE
Well, you’re carrying a length of rope, a miner’s hat complete
with headlamp, and a shovel a with lovingly crafted engraving
upon the handle that reads: Mariette Rodier.

HENDRYK
You’ve got an eye for detail, don’t you?

THANDE
It makes me a good embroiderer.

HENDRYK
Captain Yuppie said that we’re going on an away mission to
see if we can get some provision and spare parts for the ship..
Since I haven’t been on one in a while, I’m just going prepared.

THANDE
Funny, how she dropped the Iron in her name
and picked up the Captain instead, huh?

HENDRYK
No what is funny is that technically Landshark is supposed to
be captain, but she gives all the orders and is referred to as captain.

THANDE
You know what? Both aren’t really funny, in a joking sense.

HENDRYK
(nods)
Reality isn’t all that funny, no?

THANDE
So can anybody go on this away mission?

HENDRYK
Captain Yuppie only wanted the ‘big guns’.

THANDE
Well, Oth has a fever and DMA is DOA.
(laughs)
No. no. He’s just currently unconscious.

HENDRYK
Then who will join the away team?

Dramatic pause and clock wipe.

EXT. – OPEN FIELD – DAY

A wide emerald green field.

There’s a loud pop and the away team appears. IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK, MICHAEL, and G.BONE.

G.BONE
Yay, I got to go on an away mission.

LANDSHARK
Quiet, engineering monkey.
We may be in hostile territory.

IRONYUPPIE
Looks like we’re in the ass end of no where.

MICHAEL
Hey, look there’s a building over there.

Pan to behind the AH.commers and see that there’s a huge cluster of builders and towers shiny in modern-ish glass and steel designs.

IRONYUPPIE
Does anyone else find something odd about that building?

The crew look at the large cluster of building, a yellowish green haze surrounds it, as they watch the haze slowly drifts into a small cluster of trees, immediately the trees shrivel up and die.

G.BONE
Now, that you mention it…

MICHAEL
That central tower looks like a giant penis.

HENDRYK
I wasn’t going to say anything, but Michael is right.
It looks like a giant penis.

IRONYUPPIE
Good. Thought I was the only one who noticed.

LANDSHARK
I don’t see it, where is it?

G.BONE
I think Sharky’s forgotten how a penis looks like.

MICHAEL
Oi, Sharky. Yuppie still got your prick in a jar?

LANDSHARK
That’s CAPTAIN YUPPIE, Roo Shagger.

IRONYUPPIE
And the answer is Yes.
(grins)
Now lets see what good things this penis
shaped cluster of builds can offer.

HENDRYK
I have a bad feeling about this.

MICHAEL
Leave it to the Frenchy to puss out before we’ve
taken a step into the bloody mission.

G.BONE
Now there’s no need to bring up
nationality when it comes to cuatio-

LANDSHARK
Leave it to a bloody Yank to butt
into things that don’t involve ‘im.

IRONYUPPIE
Quiet, children or it’s back to
the world ruled by Wiccans.

The crew shudders.

HENDRYK
I’ve never seen so much pewter jewelry.

MICHAEL
And talk about fugly women.
Leave it to the bloody Wiccans to ruin
something as awesome as an all female orgy.

LANDSHARK
Aye, I still have nightmares from that.

G.BONE
(sighs)
I didn’t get to leave the ship that time.

MICHAEL
Right lucky of you, G.
Else you’d be screaming in your sleep like Sharky over there.

LANDSHARK
I told you that in confidence, you damned Aussie.

IRONYUPPIE
I think something is happening…

We se a huge door open up and several large trucks begin rolling out.

MICHAEL
Hey, I think they’re sending a welcoming party…

HENDRYK
Does anyone else see the barrels of some pretty
big gun sticking out of those trucks?

G.BONE
I think I see them..

Gun barrels are lowered on them.

MICHAEL
Oh, bloody hell…

HENDRYK
G.Bone get us out of here.

G.BONE
What?

HENDRYK
Use the teleporters to get us the hell out of here!

G.BONE
But I’m not at the teleporters.
I can’t teleport anyone with out them.

LANDSHARK
Then who the hell is on the teleporters?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN sits at the Teleportation Tube Controls, flipping through a magazine.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(to himself)
Hey, look at that. 50% off newsstands
prices if I order via credit card…

We see a red light begin blinking urgently. Beneath the red light in neat handwriting it is labeled: EMERGENCY TELEPORTATION REQUEST.

EXT – FIELDS – DAY

We see the crew running through the field, explosions detonating about them.

IRONYUPPIE
This is the last time I go on an away mission.
I’m the captain, damn it. I’m not supposed to get killed.

LANDSHARK
Woman, I’m the captain!
You’re just an usurer of my power.

IRONYUPPIE
I don’t get where you’re going with this.

LANDSHARK
I want my seven inch heel pumps back.

HENDRYK
(near hysterical)
Are we going to die?

MICHAEL
Most likely.

HENDRYK
Doctor What Save US!!!!

Nothing happens.

MICHAEL
Holy Sheep Save US!!!

Nothing happens.

G.BONE
Damn deities always not
listening to you when you need ‘em.

An explosion detonates before them, causing them all to come to a stand still before a small crater. Behind them the trucks with weapons come to a stop.

IRONYUPPIE
I’m becoming a strong believer in the act of surrendering.

MICHAEL
Someone help us…

G.BONE
I wish Matt and Weapon M were here.
They’d know what to do…

MICHAEL
You think I don’t know what I’m doing?
I’m DMA’s second in command, you know?

G.BONE
Where’s the cartridge clip for your BFG?

MICHAEL
Aw, bugger.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

DMA’s eyes open up.

DMA
I’ll kill that Yank.

TORQUMADA
Hey, you’re not supposed to be awake!

DMA
Damn it. Why am I naked and strapped to this cold metal table?

TORQUMADA quickly rolls up a leather cases with what appears to be metal cutting implements upon it.

TORQUMADA
Well, since you’re up. You might as well make yourself useful.
(hands DMA a cup)
Fill this.

DMA
With what?

TORQUMADA
That I leave up to you.

TORQUMADA flips a switch, releasing DMA, and then wanders out of the room.

DMA looks at the cup and then shrugs.

Cut to:

INT. – BACK OF A TRUCK – DAY

IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, G.BONE, MICHAEL, and HENDRYK are sitting glumly in the back of a truck.

IRONYUPPIE
(angry)
Psychomeltdown will pay for this indignity.

LANDSHARK
It’s not so bad, Better than being stripped naked,
covered in oats and having the Holy Sheep lick it off you.

MICHAEL
I told you that in confidence!

IRONYUPPIE
I miss the good old days.

HENDRYK
I miss Doc.

MICHAEL
By the Holy Sheep, we get it already.
You’ve been moaning about that for months now.
If he were coming back, don’t you think he’d be back by now?

HENDRYK
It’s just –

MICHAEL
Give it a rest. He’s not coming back and we’re probably
gonna die because our Fearless Leader lead us astray.

G.BONE
I miss Diamond.

MICHAEL
Now, that’s just stupid.

Clock wipe:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DA

DMA enters the Control Room, buckling his pants.

DMA
Al-bloody-right, where the hell is everyone?

GBW looks up from his station.

KIT
I think they all went down to the planet.

DMA
Down to the planet?

GBW
Yeah.
They went down to the planet.
To.. you know… explore and get resources…

DMA
They didn’t invite me to come?

KIT
They didn’t invite us to come, also.

DMA
I’m talking about me here, Kit. Don’t make
this about you and the one sitting over there.

GBW
I have a name.

DMA
Like I care.

GBW
Bastard…

DMA
This is unacceptable.
I am the new head of security and Arse Kickings,
why was I not included on this mission.

GBW
They took Michael.

There’s a booming thud, We see DMA punch the bulkhead.

DMA
OUTRAGE!

KIT
They said he was a better shot than you.

GBW
And a better Ausie.

BOOOM!!!

DMA kicks a computer console.

DMA
I shall show them better shots and better Aussie-ness.
(storms out)

GBW
Heh, that was fun.

KIT
Yet so very true.

GBW nods.

KIT
So you wanna get naked and prance about
in IronYuppie’s ready room?

GBW
You mean, Landshark’s ready room right?

KIT
Sure, whatever turns you on.

INT. – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

DMA storms into the Teleportation Tube Room.

DMA
Now where in hell did they go?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(looking up from magazine)
Who?

DMA
The captain and the other wankers.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Who?

DMA
(glaring)
Don’t mess with me boy, or by the Holy Sheep, I’ll show
you why Aussies are feared across the multiverse!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I thought it was because they’ll take your money
the moment you let your guard down.

DMA
Among other things.
(cracks knuckles)
Now. Teleport me to the planet.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why?

DMA
Because I want to go down there.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why?

DMA
They do not leave me out of an away mission.
Not when the possibility that they’ll be shooting,
fighting, drinking, and wenching to be had.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think that latter is unlikely to happen.

DMA
They do not leave me out of an away team.
What am I? Thande? Dave? YOU?
(stands on the pad)
Teleport away, asshat.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Umm.. How do you operate this thing again?

DMA
What?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I forgot how to use this.

DMA
Didn’t you just teleport them down?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
G.Bone set it on auto teleport. I just came in
here to read my magazine in peace.

LEO CAESIUS
I can handle this.
Are you sure you want to teleport down, without reinforcements.
Odds are that they’ll need rescuing right about now.

DMA is thoughtful.

DMA
(into comm)
Thande, Kit, Dave, Oth, and Psycho.
Get your arses down here.
We’re gonna save the captain.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m already here.

GBW (on comm)
What about me?

DMA
What about you?

GBW (on comm)
Wanker.

DMA
So where did they go, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
(beat)
I don’t know.

DMA
What do you mean you don’t know?

LEO CAESIUS
Someone’s erased the coordinates from my system.

DMA glares at PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I did not…
(beat)
Well, I did accidentally push some buttons when
I used the teleportation console as a footrest.

DMA
(sighing)
well. Where is the likely place they’d be?

LEO CAESIUS
They did say they were looking for a place to pick up supplies
and parts at. My guess would be an area with a high level of
industrialization and technology.

DMA
Any such places?

LEO CAESIUS
Two actually.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Anyone getting a bad feeling about this?

DMA
You do not talk in my presence, grease monkey.

LEO CAESIUS
This world seems to be on the verge of ecological collapse,
I’m detecting large swaths of deforestation, high levels of
toxicity in the atmosphere, and an ecology
that’s barely holding on for dear life.

DMA
I did not ask you for a lesson on this planet.
Just the likely bloody place that the Cap
and the others would have gone.

LEO CAESIUS
I’m getting to that.

DMA
Just hurry it up.

LEO CAESIUS
It seems the ecological damage is intentional, two
major corporations are currently in the process of
expelling huge amounts of toxins into the atmosphere.

KIT, OTHNIEL, DAVE HOUWERY, and THANDE enter the Teleportation Room.

KIT
Why would anyone want to destroy the ecology of the world.

DMA
Maybe it was giving them sass.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Right, cuz you need to destroy everything that gives you sass.

DMA
(stares at Psychomeltdown)
Indeed I do. Boyo.
Indeed I do.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Um… Can I request to get out fo going down to the planet with you guys?

THANDE
Ha! See he’s afraid of a little away mission.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You don’t realize the horrors that will await us.

DAVE HOWERY
Now, you’re just being pessimistic.
That’s Michael’s job.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

THANDE
Like we even listen to anything you say anyway.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why is everyone so mean today?

DMA
You just bring the best out in us, Psycho.
Now shut your bloody mouth and prepare
to teleport us down to the surface.

KIT
Where are we going anyway?

DMA
That’s to be determined

DAVE HOWERY
By whom?

DMA
(digs in his pocket)
By this coin.
(flips a coin)
Heads.

KIT
And that means what?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think he wants head, Kit.
(giggles)

KIT
Couldn’t think of anything original, could you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s been a long day…
A guy can only come up with so many cool retorts.

THANDE
How about none?
I have yet to find anything you say funny at all.

DAVE HOWERY
That’s because you’re a Brit.

LEO CAESIUS
To go back on topic…
It’s a random guess as to which of the two locations
that they teleported themselves down to.
What are you orders?

DMA
Huh? You’re actually asking me for orders?
(grins)
Teleport down here!
(stabs at an image)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That’s G.Bone’s poster of Daryl Hanna.

DMA
Oh, was wandering why this world had such nice breasts.

KIT
A bit old, isn’t she?

DAVE HOWERY
I’d do her.
But I’m already doing Keira Knightly
(grins in a self satisfied manner)

THANDE
(groaning)
Okay, we get it.
You’re having sex with Keria Knightly.
We got it like five months ago!

DAVE HOWERY
Well…
Wanker.

LEO CAESIUS
Alright, I’m teleporting you all out of here.
Prepare to be teleported.

There’s a pop and the crew vanishes.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, what about me?

LEO CAESIUS
You weren’t to go, anyway.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Awwww….
Well, at least I get to finish my porn mag…

EXT. – COURTYARD – DAY

The crew pops into existence.

KIT
Where are we?

DMA
Looks like we made it.
Now, let’s go rescue the crew!

Suddenly there’s a noise, the sound of scores of boots stamping upon the ground.

The courtyard is suddenly filled with hundreds of soldiers, all pointing weapons at the crew.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – EVILMITTENS INC. – DAY

IRONYUPPIE, G.BONE, MICHAEL, HENDRYK, and LANDSHARK are shoved into a massive room, standing before them is a person. EVILMITTENS.

EVILMITTENS
Welcome to my lair.
Do you like it?

MICHAEL
Looks like some wanker with a fetish for sterility made this place.

G.BONE
I like the phallus looking buildings.

EVILMITTENS
I see my enemy, reformer, has sent assassins to kill me.

IRONYUPPIE
Who?
What?
You didn’t tie these bonds right.

LANDSHARK
Yeah, its not restricting blood flow like it should.

EVILMITTENS
Do not lie to me!
Reformer has been plotting my destruction for years.
He figures he can control the world, if he has sole control
of the only food source in the world.

HENDRYK
Food? I’m hungry.

IRONYUPPIE
What the hell is going on here?
And why are you dressed like some
gaysexual at a Christmas party?

EVILMITTENS
This is my world domination uniform.
(struts)

G.BONE
whos’ this reformer you were talking about?
And why does he want to kill you?

EVILMITTENS
Reformer is my competition.
He wants to rule the world, via controlling the last food soruce.

G.BONE
And that is?

EVILMITTENS
Meat Bags!

HENDRYK
What flavor do they come in?

EVILMITTENS
Meaty.

HENDRYK
Mmmmm….mmmmm

IRONYUPPIE
So… meat bags? Controlling the world?

LANDSHARK
Aye, it’s pretty pathetic way to rule the world.

EVILMITTENS
Quiet you!
Reformer seeks me dead, so that I can stop my production
of meat sacks, which are the second sole source of food.

G.BONE
Umm.. what happen to the rest of the animals?

EVILMITTENS
We killed them.
To rule the world via controlling the sole food source.

LANDSHARK
You killed everything?

EVILMITTENS
Basically.

IRONYUPPIE
Well you obviously know what must be done now.

LANDSHARK
Get our arses kicked trying to do a little good in the multiverse?

IRONYUPPIE
Hell, yes.

EVILMITTENS
Ha. Fools.
You get tortured now.

G.BONE
I should have stayed on the ship…

Cut to:

INT. – REFORMER HQ – INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

Open up on DMA screaming.

A BIG MAN stops pinching his nipples.

Another person occupies a gilded chair, watching.

REFORMER
Now, now, what’s all this screaming about?
We haven’t even begun yet.

DMA
He’s got bloody cold fingers.

REFORMER
Witty for a man who’s about to die a long and painful death.

DMA
I like to think so.
I tryi working on it, but people don’t think I’m funny.
It’s difficult to wake up everyday and try to find a witty comment
to make and its even more difficult when –

REFORMER
Shut up!
Evilmittens thinks he can send his assassins to kill me, well he is wrong.
I shall be the sole controller of this world and the huddled masses will
choke down my meat bags!
(laughs insanely)

DMA
This is one fucked up world.

REFORMER
Let the torture begin!

The BIG MAN pull out a pair of pliers.

DMA
Bugger…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN flips through a magazine.

LEO CAESIUS
I think I’ve found out where Ironyuppie and the other went.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hmm? That’s cool.

LEO CAESIUS
They’re no where near DMA’s group.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
A pity.

LEO CAESIUS
I think they might be in trouble.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
When aren’t they?

LEO CAESIUS
Teleport them up.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m busy.

LEO CAESIUS
NOW!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yikes. Talk about moody.
(hits button)

IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK, MICHAEL, and G.BONE pop into existence on the teleportation pad.

IRONYUPPIE
What took you so long?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I didn’t know there was a rush.

IRONYUPPIE
Get DMA and the big guns we got a wannabe
bad guy that needs a good srse stomping.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
DMA went down to the planet to find you.

IRONYUPPIE
Well, get him back.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sighs)
everyone is so bossy today.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN hits a button.

DMA, DAVE HOWERY, KIT, THANDE, and OTHNIEL appear upon the pad.

THANDE lies spread eagle, naked, and oiled on the pad.

THANDE
Oh, thank heavens.
Anymore of that and I’d be joining GBW in
his online sessions on how to be a hetero.

GBW (on comm)
I told you that in confidence, Thande!

IRONYUPPIE
What happened to you?

DMA
Don’t wanna talk about it.

LEO CAESIUS
Well. We are all back and accounted for.

DMA
Go call Torq, I think they singed
something that shouldn’t have been singed…

MICHAEL
Man, what a fucked up world.

INT. – REFORMER HQ – DAY

A giant wall screen activates, showing EVILMITTENS.

EVILMITTENS
You send assassins to kill me!

REFORMER
YOU send assassins to kill me!

EVILMITTENS
No I didn’t’!

REFORMER
Same here.

There’s a long pause.

EVILMITTENS
Then, who are those guys?

REFORMER
I don’t know.
They have a ship above this planet.

EVILMITTENS
Invaders!
Let us join forces and kill them!

REFORMER
Yay!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW
Dave says it’ll be an hour before the shift engines work.

IRONYUPPIE
Sooner we get out of this universe the better.

GBW
We’ve got launches from the planet.
It looks like ships.

IRONYUPPIE
They’r coming after us?

The screen suddenly activates, showing EVILMITTENS and REFORMER.

BOTH
Although we are enemies.
We shall untie to destroy this intruder on our world.
Prepare to die!

KIT
Bugger…

INT – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

IRONYUPPIE
They’ve just docked on our outer hull and from what we can tell they’re gonna but through the hull in about twenty minutes.

DMA
We can’t fight them all off. There’s thousands of them.

IRONYUPPIE
Then we go to Plan A.

LANDSHARK
We already used te tub of hot canola oil.

IRONYUPPIE
Damn!
Alright Plan D.
(everyone gasps in shock)
You know what to do.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

DMA, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, KIT, DAVE HOWERY, KEIRA KNIGHTLY, THANDE, MICHAEL, BOBO, and OTHNIEL are walking down the corridor.

DMA
Next time no bathroom breaks.

OTHNIEL
I’m sorry. I just had to go…

There’s a clatter up ahead.

The group stops.

Suddenly armed soldiers turn a corner.

DMA
They’ve breached the hull!
Run!

DMA and MICHAEL lay down covering fire as the group flees.

THANDE
To the Mess Hall, it’s the second most
defendable place besides the control room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Then why don’t’ we go to the control room.

THANDE
I always liked the idea of a last stand in a mess hall.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Does sound nice…

INT. – MESS HALL – DAY

There is a banging on the hatch, DMA huddles behind the overturned table.

DMA
Right boys, hold your fire until you can see the whites of their eyes
and they can see the piss piddling on the deck beneath you. .
Kit! Put that gun down, you’ll shoot someone.

KIT
I thought that was the point?

DMA
I meant, you’ll shoot one of us.

KIT
I don’t see. How-

BANG!

The gun goes off.

THANDE begins screaming.

THANDE
I’ve been shot!
(begins screaming)
Oh, god! The pain! The pain!!!!

KIT
I see your point…
(sets aside gun)
What do you want me to do then?

DMA
Come sit by me. You can whisper encouraging words
in my ear as I kill off all the bad guys.

KIT
Alright.

MICHAEL .
(rocking back and forth in fear)
How will we ever survive this??
Holy Sheep save us!!!

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM HOLY SHEEP TEMPLE – DAY

The Holy Sheep burrows itself beneath a stack of hay, glancing nervously around.

Cut back to:

INT. – MESS HALL – DAY

DMA
Shush, you’re an Aussie, boy!
We don’t cry!
There’s no crying in battling for your lives.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it! Where’s captain yuppie and the rescue team?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ESCAPE PODS – DAY

IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK, KEIRA KNIGHTLY, and TORQUMADA are standing around.

IRONYUPPIE looks at her watch.

IRONYUPPIE
Figured they’d all be here about now.
I mean we said three o’clock.

LANDSHARK
Bloody fools, can’t keep to a schedule.
We said we’d flee the ship once we were boarded.
That was the bloody plan!

HENDRYK
My bags are getting heavy.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I hope Dave is alright.

HENDRYK
Come here, Keira.
I’ll comfort you…

TORQUMADA
(scratching head)
Did I forget anything?

CUT TO:

INT. – MED BAY – DAY

LUAKEL BRAIN is sitting upon a table.

It shivers a bit, sending up a few bubbles. But otherwise remains still.

Cut to:

INT. – MESS HALL – DAY

DAVE HOWERY
She’ll come for us. She’ll come for us with guns a blazing.

The banging outside the door grows louder, But now there’s screaming, shouting, and sounds of terror. The AH.commers look at THANDE.

THANDE
I didn’t release anything from my Experimental Cages.

DMA
Torq?

OTHNIEL
He fed ‘em all to Bobo.

BOBO
Bobo. Like. Monster. Meat.
M. M. M. M. M. M. M.

DMA
Well, I think that comment just scarred me for life.

KIT
Ditto.

The door explodes outward, in a shower of debris.

Everyone flinches, huddling behind their makeshift defenses.

There’s a moment of silence, then the sound of footsteps crunching across the Mess Hall.

DMA peeks over his table, his eyes suddenly widen.

DMA
My god….

KIT
Who?
(peeks over)
Oh… My….

DAVE HOWERY
Huh?
(peeks over)
Wow…

Standing before the makeshift defenses of the Ah.commers is SUPER55. There is almost a halo of awesomeness surrounding him, he smiles and KEIRA KNIGHTLY and KIT faint.

SUPER55
(Manly Voice)
I hear you needed help.

DMA
(stammering)

SUPER55
I was in the neighborhood and decided to see what was up.
Luckily I came, eh?
(flexes)
(Michael faints)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m having very wrong thoughts right now…

DAVE HOWERY
I’m right there with you…

SUPER55
You got anything to drink?
Kicking the arses of two ship full of
soldiers makes for thirsty work.

KEIRA KNIGHTLY
I got it!
(runs to fetch drink)

DAVE HOWERY
Keira?
(beat)
Keira??

FADE OUT.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

GBW is walking down the corridor, looking over several sheets of paper in his hands.

LEO CAESIUS
I am a lost as to even how to begin explaining the presence of
this SUPER55 character. My sensors were, as usual, on the fritz
lately and once the Reformist and Evilmittenist boarded out ship,
they got even more so. But form what little data I gathered it seems
that a localized vortex was created, large enough for a single person.

GBW
You mean he can create his own shifting vortex?
What kind of person is this SUPER55?

LEO CAESIUS
All evidence seems to point in that general direction. I’ve doubled
checked my databanks and have come across several references to a
SUPER55, but most of them seem to have more religious or
awe inspiring overtones, rather than reality.

GBW
(nodding)
I’m sure they’ll be no easy answers forthcoming on this topic.
(crumples another sheet of paper)
What is the situation of the planet?

LEO CAESIUS
Once SUPER55 left our ship, he dismantled both
Reformer’s and Evilmitten’s base of operations. Then it seems,
as difficult as it is to believe, that he has managed to heal the
planet. I have detected a reversal of all the ecological damage
that had been detected before.

GBW
(shaking head)
Wow.

LEO CAESIUS
It is an impressive accomplishment.

GBW walks into the Mess Hall.

INT. – MESS HALL – CONTINUING

GBW stops and looks around.

DAVE HOWERY and LANDSHARK are sitting at a table laughing and drinking.

GBW
(walking up to the two)
What’s going on here?

DAVE HOWERY
What’s it look like?

LANDSHARK
A bloody good time is what it is.

GBW
I though you did not imbibe alcohol, Landshark?

LANDSHARK
I’ll take a nip or two in a celebratory fashion.
The day Michael dies, I’ll take a nip or three.

MICHAEL
Now that’s just mean!
Take it back.

LANDSHARK
Bugger off!

MICHAEL scurries out of the Mess Hall.

GBW
(shakes head)
Okay…
(heads out of the Mess Hall)

LEO CAESIUS
SUPER55’s presence has been having
a marked effect upon the crew.

GBW
More drinking?

LEO CAESIUS
No, actually a positive effect.
Torqumada has begun an effort to clone Luakel a body.
Thande’s actually cleaning up the chemical spill
that closed off decks eight and nine.
Michaels’ being nicer to people.
Psychomeltdown actually arrived to
Engineering on time and ready to work.

GBW
Goodness, now that is amazing.

GBW enters a Lift.

INT. – LIFT – CONTINUING

GBW
Well, hopefully he’ll be staying a while longer.
We could use the boost in crew moral.

Lift comes to a stop and GBW exits it.

INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUING

GBW walks toward the piloting suite.

LEO CAESIUS
I’m detecting a vortex opening up.

GBW
Hmm.. tell everyone we got possible trouble coming.

LEO CAESIUS
The vessel is hailing us.
I’m detecting some damage to the vessel, as if it’s been in a fight.
Detecting no weapons, no shields, and a barely functional engine.

GBW
Little threat to us, then.
(looks about)
Well, put it on screen.

The viewscreen comes to life, it’s grainy and filled with static.

The picture clears up and suddenly GREY WOLF’s face appears upon the screen. He’s ragged, dirty, and looks exhausted.

GREY WOLF
GBW?
I need your help.
Doc’s in trouble….

Reaction shot;

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS