TEASER
INT. – OUROBOROS PUB – ETERNAL EVENING
In a dimly lit corner of the Ouroboros pub sits a pair of drab, sad-looking old men nursing glasses of gin. They are wearing armbands with a V overlain by the word “INGSOC”. A radiant waitress in a sheer blue robe enters the frame, carrying a tray with two extremely colorful cocktails.
As the frame switches to her face it’s clear that “radiant” isn’t just a figure of speech.
Her skin seems immune to the room’s dim lights and shadows, as if a sun-lit form had simply been pasted on top of the local reality.
HUB WAITRESS
Now fellows, I really think you should try these drinks.
I don’t care who sold who, you’re in the Hub now.
You can still drown your sorrows but there’s no
need to do it with that noxious waste of molecules.
FIRST MAN
(Looking tired but wary)
You’re not real.
This place can’t be real.
HUB WAITRESS
Well dearie, I’ve got to say you’re right about that!
(giggles)
This is all a machine-made reality, and let’s just say
I’m an especially sweet piece of landscape.
Thing is, your stodgy Party could never come up
with something so thoroughly unreal as this.
They could torture you forever, dearie, and you’d
never dream up an Eternal Blossom Margarita.
There are some things your silly Party can never take
from you, and this is one of them!
Now drink up.
The waitress takes one of the margaritas from her tray and places it in front of the FIRST MAN.
As she does, a previously hidden door opens in the wall and KIT walks out of it.
KIT
Don’t mind if I do.
KIT grabs the second margarita off the tray and walks off. He turns a corner and flips out his communicator.
KIT
KIT to DOCTOR WHAT.
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
Is everything ready?
KIT
Yeah, these rebel guys seem to check out.
The shield generators are definitely legit,
and these rebels seem like honest types.
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
I told you so.
KIT
No you didn’t!
You didn’t say they were honest.
You said that anyone who’d stand up for their rights to use condoms,
watch porn, and engage in unnatural sexual congress, without being
incinerated from orbit by the Pope’s space fleet, was fine by you.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, they’re standing up for good honest values, was my point.
Anyway, what about the plan?
KIT
I’ll send you the final coordinates.
The Holy Armada is blockading the planet,
but they’re staying far out to avoid the rebel missiles.
We should be able to shift in, teleport our stuff,
and be out before they get anywhere near us.
DOCTOR WHAT
Sounds good.
Maybe this time it’ll only be a partial screwup.
KIT
Oh, now you’re dreaming, Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT
Right, right.
Get back and tell them to get ready.
KIT
Will do.
KIT turns to go back the way he came, looks at the martini in his hand, and ponders his situation. He quickly downs the martini, steels himself, and runs around the corner and toward the door. He stops, shocked, to see that the waitress, the two men, and even the table that they were sitting at are gone. In their place are several pots containing garish plastic plants. Shaking his head, he opens the door and steps through.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
Much of the AH.COM crew sits around the bridge. DOCTOR WHAT sits in his command chair, with LANDSHARK and GBW at pilot and copilot positions. IRON YUPPIE is at security, PSYCHOMELTDOWN at the engineering station, and STRAHA is at a weapons console. OTHNIEL and DAVE HOWERY are hunched over the same computer screen.
At the front of the bridge, the viewscreen shows the forest of Hub docking spires receding into the distance.
DOCTOR WHAT (INTO COMM)
Okay guys, you heard KIT.
DIAMOND, how’s it going on our end?
DIAMOND (ON COMM)
Everything’s loaded and in position in the cargo bays.
Those are a lot of plasma cannons.
LANDSHARK
So, remind me again, why we’re jumping to a world blockaded
by an entire fleet? Don’t get me wrong, her Holiness the Pope
of Worlds might be a fine gal, I’ve never met her. But I’m really
rather uncomfortable with her policy of fiery death to all heretics.
DAVE HOWERY
It’s too late now.
Those guns didn’t exactly come
with a thirty day return period!
DOCTOR WHAT
Actually they did.
But, I, uh, lost the receipt.
DAVE HOWERY attempts to glare menacingly at DOCTOR WHAT, and gets the “glare” part right.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, don’t look at me!
It was late, I was drunk, and I suddenly
had to leave without my clothes.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You know, we’ve done some dumb things in our day…
(Trails off, looking embarrassed)
Okay, we’ve done a good fraction of the mind-blowingly
stupid things a person could possibly do.
But anyway, gunrunning under the nose of a
massive blockade is pretty dangerous even for us.
Do we really need the money that badly?
STRAHA
We’re not just doing this for the money.
We’re doing it for a shitload of money.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN opens his mouth as if to say something.
GBW
(Interrupting)
Don’t anybody finish that quote.
That would involve telling STRAHA he’s right.
DOCTOR WHAT
Guys, look.
We do seem to burn through cash at a serious rate, and I figure
we can fix that. Yeah, it’s dangerous, yeah, we’ll be surrounded
by firepower that hugely outclasses us. But I like to think of it as
sneaking around the devil we know. We’re all fully aware of how
hugely dangerous and stupid this is, so we’re prepared for it.
As opposed to thinking we’re at a peaceful porn and booze run
and getting attacked by lesbian ninja zombies.
IRON YUPPIE
But that happens so often that every time we go on a
peaceful porn and booze run, we’re basically expecting to get
attacked by lesbian ninja zombies. We’re pretty chummy with that devil.
Last month he showed me pictures of his kids.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Doc, I think that bit about “better the devil you know…”
doesn’t mean you should go out and get to know the biggest,
reddest, most badass devil you can find.
(Pause)
And don’t say anything about the horniest devil.
That would be lame.
LANDSHARK
(Sarcastically)
Don’t worry Psycho, the upside is that it’s so bad,
it can’t possibly get any worse.
OTHNIEL
Now, now, a little optimism, Sharky.
LANDSHARK
I am being bloody well optimistic.
We’re all gonna die, that’s optimism.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay guys, that’s enough.
We’ve got crew on the planet and a hold full of weapons and
we’re going to do this deal. Then we’re all going to get porn and
booze and other entertainments. I’ll even get a proper repairman
in to fix the soda machine!
Promise!
DAVE HOWERY
Damn it. I told you.
I’ll get around to fixing the soda machine!
I’m a busy guy, can’t you guys see that?
GBW
(Suspiciously)
Even we can’t spend that much money
on porn and booze and repairs.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, maybe I’ll also pay some guys who have a really strong belief that
their unmarried daughters shouldn’t be participating in certain acts.
LANDSHARK
Daughters with an “s”?
DOCTOR WHAT
Twins.
OTHNIEL
That’s disgusting!
IRON YUPPIE
You da man.
EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT
The AH.COM emerges from a whirling shift vortex above the night side of the Earth. It is in a medium orbit. Thruster flares are visible in front of the planet – four ships are moving up to meet the AH.COM. Pan upward to show dozens of moving pointed lights, far away against a background of stars.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY SHIFT
On the bridge, the forward viewscreen shows the rebel ships approaching.
LEO CAESIUS
We are being hailed by CAPTAIN VALOR.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Captain WHAT?!
DOCTOR WHAT
What?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Not you!
I meant… he’s called CAPTAIN VALOR?
LANDSHARK
Better that than Captain Runs-home-to-mommy.
IRON YUPPIE
Yeah, did I ever feel sorry for that guy.
Heard he and his XO, Schickelgruber, eventually
just gave up and changed their names.
LEO CAESIUS
(Sighs)
It’s a nom de guerre.
STRAHA
A what?
LEO CAESIUS
Um… it’s like how Bruce Wayne calls himself Batman.
STRAHA
Aaaaaah.
LEO CAESIUS
Anyway, I might as well just put him on screen.
The face of CAPTAIN VALOR appears. He is a short, bland-looking Asian man who would appear suitable for commanding a desk in a stapler factory.
CAPTAIN VALOR
Welcome to our humble world, CAPTAIN WHAT.
Now 85% Catholic free!
Our sensors show that the Holy Armada is safely out of range for now.
I’ve got my goods, do you have yours?
DOCTOR WHAT
We’re ready and always willing.
See you when we get in teleporter range.
LEO CAESIUS
Captain, we are being hailed by the Holy Armada.
DOCTOR WHAT
On screen.
A pair of priests appear onscreen, at the sides of a throne which is currently turned away from the screen.
In unison, they introduce their commander.
PRIESTS
Her holiness, POPE HONORBLOWER I.
The throne spins around to reveal a tough but quite beautiful female wearing an eyepatch and a pope’s hat and robes. The robes are cinched very tight at the waist and strain over unnaturally large breasts. She is quite familiar this is ADMIRAL HONORBLOWER, formerly of the Domination of Dixie.
DOCTOR WHAT
HONORBLOWER!
POPE HONORBLOWER I
CAPTAIN WHAT?!
Damn!
I see the Hub’s agents are here to interfere with me once again.
(Pauses for a moment to think)
This time, I’m equipped to deal with the likes of you.
My schedule will just have to be accelerated.
DOCTOR WHAT
But we’re not agents for…
POPE HONORBLOWER I
(Raising her voice)
I’m the lawful ruler of this world, so I’m empowered to break
the Ouroboros Treaty and deprive it of the Hub’s protection.
Then we’ll see who really has friends in high places.
The screen goes blank.
LEO CAESIUS
I’ve detected high speed missile launches from the
Holy Armada. They appear to be firing on the planet.
Captain, I’m detecting the energy signature of crosstime bombs!
DOCTOR WHAT
TURN US AROUND!
Get us away from the planet!
EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT
The camera shows a full frame view of Earth, centered on Eurasia. Most of the planet is shrouded by night.
It is still and serene.
After several seconds, several tremendous flares erupt across Africa, the Middle East, and the Indian Ocean. Glowing distortions in spacetime spread from each explosion, crossing thousands of miles of the planet’s surface. The patterns of city lights on the planet’s surface twist and change.
FADE TO OPENING CREDITS
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“BATS… IN… SPAAAACE!”
Written By : AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM
ACT I
INT. – REBEL COMMAND POST – EVENING
A rebel command post is located on top of a giant office tower in the center of Taipei. At the top of the tower is a giant, circular glass observation deck. It obviously once contained a restaurant, but has now been filled with computer terminals. The terminals are manned by dozens of rebels, nearly all of them obviously from various parts of Asia. This side of the observation deck looks out over a broad tree-filled square. On the opposite side of the square is a structure shaped like a combination of a giant cathedral and ornate fortress, at least fifty stories tall. It is scorched in many places outside, and several upper cupolas seem to have been completely blasted away.
On the front of the cathedral is a twenty meter tall gold cross. A red circle with a diagonal line through it has been painted on top of the cross – the international “no” sign.
Pan over to the other side of the room where WEAPON M and MATT are playing with some weapons and equipment. They are watched by FLOCCULENCIO, HENDRYK, and LUAKEL.
MATT is fiddling with a bulky plate strapped to his forearm. He presses a button and a shimmering energy field springs into existence.
WEAPON M is fondling a thin, lightweight energy rifle.
WEAPON M
We really should get some of these
plasma cannons for ourselves.
FLOCCULENCIO
What, massive BFGs aren’t enough for you?
WEAPON M
Oh don’t get me wrong, this thing will never replace the BFG.
It’s a little less powerful and it looks kind of, well… pansy.
But it’s a lot easier to hide on your person for a backup weapon.
LUAKEL
Hide?
It’s more than two feet long.
WEAPON M
Ah, the innocence of youth.
A rebel turns away from his computer screen to face them. This is CAPTAIN HONOR.
CAPTAIN HONOR
We are pleased with the sample plasma cannons you bring as well.
It is good that the shield generators meet with your satisfaction.
I look forward to exchanging our full cargoes.
MATT
Yeah, these personal shields are really sweet.
Where the heck did you get them, if you don’t mind me asking?
CAPTAIN HONOR
I am sorry, but I cannot reveal our sources, it would violate
our important military secrets. You will have to make do with
what you can purchase through us.
You are getting five hundred of them, after all.
MATT
Maybe some of them will have to fall off the back of the shuttle.
LUAKEL
Well at least you’re enjoying yourselves with the guns.
I still don’t see why it took six of us here to set up this deal.
FLOCCULENCIO
According to CAPTAIN WHAT, it takes five people to hold off an
attack from random mutants, mechas, and lesbian ninja zombies.
LUAKEL
What?
There aren’t any of those around here.
FLOCCULENCIO
Not right now, but you never know.
LUAKEL
Hey, you said five people.
There’ll be six of us when KIT comes back through.
FLOCCULENCIO
You’re the diversion.
HENDRYK
Hey, I just got a call from the bar, KIT’s come back through.
KIT walks in through an ornate set of dragon-embossed brass doors.
KIT
Everything’s a go.
The AH.COM should be in orbit by now.
CAPTAIN HONOR
Indeed, they have just jumped in.
I’ve instructed the defenses to hold their fire,
and CAPTAIN VALOR will escort them in.
MATT
I can’t believe they actually got here on time and on target.
WEAPON M
Yeah, Dave must really be losing his touch with the engines.
KIT
Well, we’ll be going that much sooner.
We’ve still got to stop for one last drink at the hotel bar.
I decided I’d miss those Lychee Dreams too much,
so I’m going to grab one for the Hub to replicate.
MATT
It is pretty convenient that the Hub doors are always in bars of some kind.
Really encourages a guy to mellow out and not be in such a hurry.
FLOCCULENCIO
Speak for yourself.
I can’t believe these folks can’t make an appletini.
How the hell did I manage to leave my flask behind?
Suddenly, red lights start flashing on terminals around the room, and a blazing alarm sounds for about five seconds. The holographic display cuts out entirely for a couple of seconds, then comes back up with a computerized display of the planet.
Large red circles cut a swathe from Africa to India. The rebels start running about shouting in Chinese, completely ignoring the AH.COM crew.
CAPTAIN HONOR
Oh no.
By Buddha’s great fat ass, no.
The Armada has attacked us with crosstime bombs.
Where did they get those?!
CAPTAIN HONOR switches on a giant holographic projection of the Earth. Red lines identify shifting patterns of energy across much of the planet’s surface between east Africa and India.
LUAKEL
What happened?
HENDRYK
All that red is the part of the world that was randomly
replaced with parts of other timelines.
All the crew members stare in horror.
KIT
Time to exercise the better part of valor!
TO THE HOTEL BAR!
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY SHIFT
The AH.COM crew are working feverishly at their stations, with the forward viewscreen showing space blurring around the Earth in the aftermath of the crosstime bomb explosions.
A wave of the blur effect moves toward the ship, and it is buffeted madly for a few seconds.
LANDSHARK
I’m having trouble maintaining course!
There are still gravity shock waves coming
from the areas where bombs went off.
GBW
That’s what happens when one of those
things goes off at full yield.
And I counted seven of them.
DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, is there any other incoming fire?
LEO CAESIUS
No, Captain.
The Holy Armada hasn’t moved,
and it hasn’t fired anything else.
DOCTOR WHAT
Was that some kind of threat, then?
LEO CAESIUS
The rebels have contacted them
asking to open negotiations.
No response from
POPE HONORBLOWER.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
If that’s a threat what’s a full
assault, the friggin Death Star?
STRAHA
YES!
ANOTHER ROYAL FLUSH!
Everyone turns toward STRAHA, who is staring intently at his computer screen.
IRON YUPPIE
Excuse me?
What are you doing over there?
STRAHA
Kicking G.BONE’s ass at computer poker.
I just got my third royal flush in a row, and he’s going to be
spending a lot of time cleaning my hydroponics gear.
IRON YUPPIE
Shouldn’t you be doing something useful?
STRAHA
CAPTAIN WHAT said I’m most useful warming the
bench until I’m needed at the crucial moment.
VOICE OF G.BONE
Warming the bench doesn’t
include being a damn cheater!
GBW
The chances of getting three royal flushes
in a row are astronomically low.
LEO CAESIUS
Actually, one of my subroutines is running the
computer poker. It hasn’t been tampered with.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh come on, that makes flipping my pocket full of coins
and having all them come up heads look like child’s play.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN reaches into his pocket, grabs out a coin, and flips it in the air. He reaches his hand out to grab it as it comes down, but he misses and the coin lands on the floor.
On its edge.
The coin remains standing on its edge, completely still.
STRAHA
Nice one.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN looks at the coin in amazement. He reaches into his pocket and grabs about a dozen more coins. He flings them up into the air, and they clatter across the floor of the bridge.
The crew crane their necks in silence, looking at the coins.
Although they end up all across the floor, every single coin ends up standing on its edge.
STRAHA stomps on the floor and most of the coins collapse.
GBW
Guys, something weird’s going on.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
GBW, where would we be without you?
GBW
No, I mean something weird’s going on out there.
Sensors are picking up weird little flashes of energy out in space.
It looks like zero point energy is suddenly all turning positive.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, I will need that one in English.
GBW
Um… space is only empty on average.
Little bits of energy randomly blip into existence
all the time, then disappear almost immediately.
It’s called zero point energy. These patterns are what
you’d see if the zero point energy stopped being random,
if it sort of started coming up all heads. But if that’s what
we’re seeing, it’s so unlikely that it should probably never
happen in the entire lifetime of the universe.
LEO CAESIUS
It’s happening in a concentrated area, centered about
four thousand kilometers away from us. Energy levels
increasing… I’m detecting heavier matter forming.
I’ll put it on screen.
The AH.COM crew stare at the viewscreen as a cloud of energy froths into existence above the Earth.
Something very large and very dark emerges from the middle as the sparkling cloud dims and fades.
DOCTOR WHAT
I can barely see that.
LEO, can you enhance the image?
STRAHA
Put on your fucking glasses.
EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT
The camera shifts into space as parts of a gargantuan vessel move past it.
Pan way, way back to reveal an utterly black, lightless form. Its surface features are scarcely illuminated in reflected moonlight, but it blots out a swathe of stars behind it.
The ship’s angular lines are sculpted into a shape resembling a giant bat, its wings spread wide.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY SHIFT
The crew stare at the screen in consternation.
DOCTOR WHAT
What is that?
LEO CAESIUS
I have absolutely no idea.
Sensors barely even pick it up, like it’s a big black nothing.
With a wingspan of twelve kilometers.
LANDSHARK
The shift controls have just gone dark.
What the…?
LEO CAESIUS
Captain, all crosstime systems simply… aren’t working.
It’s as if we’ve been completely cut off from the rest of the multiverse.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, crap.
Contact CAPTAIN VALOR, and see if he knows what that thing is.
LEO CAESIUS
I don’t think so, Captain.
There are lots of transmissions coming from the rebel fleet
and from ground bases, asking if anyone knows what that is.
However… there are no new transmissions from the Holy Armada.
They don’t seem surprised.
EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT
The giant bat-shaped ship is now facing the planet. The apparent size of the Earth indicates that it’s in a close orbit, similar to the orbit of the AH.COM ship.
Flickering lines of energy start to appear and disappear in space in front of the ship.
They seem to build for a bit, and then streak toward the planet below.
The energy darts across the surface of the planet, seeming to settle into lines like those on a map. Between the lines, the Earth’s surface shifts and changes. On the night side, the patterns of light that identify towns and cities move. On the day side, weather patterns abruptly change and the clouds take new patterns.
In each case the new patterns stop suddenly at the borders of now-fading blue light.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY SHIFT
More staring at the screen, this time in utter shock.
LEO CAESIUS
Wow.
I mean, holy shit, wow.
The crew all crane their necks to stare at Leo’s main electronic “eye” on the bridge.
LEO CAESIUS
It’s shift energy on a colossal scale! Like a controlled version
of a crosstime bomb. Like that “mosaic earth” planet a while ago,
except not at all random… They’re bringing in other timelines,
over huge contiguous areas, with complete precision.
Precise borders, in fact… many of them look like national borders.
GBW
Wait a minute, how can you tell that?
LEO CAESIUS
Border guard posts, stuff like that.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m getting a bad feeling about this.
Where’s CAPTAIN VALOR?
LEO CAESIUS
He’s already broadcasting a message, I’ll patch us in.
VOICE OF CAPTAIN VALOR
… cannot identify the ship, and there has been no response to our hails.
We have confirmed that it is suppressing crosstime travel over a wide area.
Since the Holy Armada has not responded to its presence, we must assume it is their ally.
(Pause)
We are called upon to defend our world from the greatest menace we
have ever faced. Every one of us will do our duty. All ships, all ground
batteries, engage the enemy and fire at will.
As everyone else stares at the viewscreen showing CAPTAIN VALOR’s small fleet moving to engage the giant black bat ship, GBW is staring intently at his computer screen. He flicks between sensor readouts, and finally to a zoomed-in visual of the giant black ship.
GBW
Oh.
No.
LANDSHARK
What now?
GBW
Those are the Alien Space Bats.
They’ve got to be.
Captain, whatever you do, don’t fire on that ship!
We’re under the Hub’s protection, and under the Ouroboros Treaty
they can’t shoot unless we shoot first.
DOCTOR WHAT
What in all the multiverse are the Alien Space Bats?
GBW
Nobody knows. It’s sort of an old multiverse traveller’s tale.
They only ever see those ships, lurking in the corners of space.
Supposedly they’re improbability personified, sowing random
chaos across the universe for no apparent reason. They’re enemies
of the Hub, and only the Hub’s protection can keep them at bay.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What orifice are you pulling this one out of?
Don’t tell me the Hub FAQ, this time I’ve read it
and there’s nothing about an Ouroboros Treaty.
GBW
It’s not in the FAQ because it’s not a question people know
to frequently ask! I, uh, heard about them from some
guys in the Pub. They said they saw one of those things
teleport an army of giant monsters in to attack Tokyo. Anyway,
I’m pretty sure they can’t hurt us as long as we don’t shoot.
LANDSHARK
Excellent.
Now all we have to worry about is Her Assholiness,
and the fleet of ships surrounding us,
and the crosstime bombs being thrown around left and right,
and the pieces of random timelines appearing below us.
Oh, wait… and also our complete inability to shift away and escape.
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s not as if I was planning to fire on that thing anyway!
Just make sure to keep the rebel ships between us and that monster,
in case “some guys in the Pub” don’t turn out to be a reliable source of information.
VOICE OF CAPTAIN VALOR
We have engaged the Alien Space Bats.
EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT
Several groups of ships, at least twenty in total, approach the ASB ship from various directions.
The Earth hangs directly below, and blinking lights heading up from it reveal themselves to be huge barrages of missiles.
The lead group of ships fires a volley of missiles. Zoom in to follow the path of the missiles. Within a few seconds one of them explodes prematurely, taking out most of the others. Two lone missiles remain, closing in on the ASB ship at high speed. There is a flash, and the missiles are replaced by a large sealion and a potted petunia. They impact harmlessly on the black surface with a tremendous splat. The assorted pieces of plant and sealion transform into butterflies, which flitter for a few seconds and then drift motionless through space.
Pull back out to view the fleet. The formations are breaking up. One ship spontaneously breaks into pieces. Another fires beam cannons toward the ASB ship. They vanish into its surface.
Zoom in on the turret which continues to fire away. A piece of the turret’s mounting vents air into space, causing it to spin around while still firing.
Pan to reveal another ship. The shots from the rogue turret splash across its shields, which suddenly wink out. The next shot goes into the engine section and the ship explodes.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY SHIFT
The AH.COM crew monitor their stations, as the viewscreen shows them turning to the side of the rebel fleet.
LEO CAESIUS
Another rebel ship destroyed.
It looks like the turret on one ship failed, and made a
one in a million random shot at another ship’s engines.
Right at the moment that the second ship had a glitch in its shield generators.
I am receiving many distress signals from the entire rebel fleet.
DOCTOR WHAT
Put them on.
PANICKED REBEL VOICE #1
They’re everywhere!
They got the captain, we had to seal off the bridge!
By Buddha’s great fat ass!
MONKEYS WITH KNIVES!
PANICKED REBEL VOICE #2
I’m not getting any response from the entire engineering section!
It looks like they all suddenly vanished.
PANICKED FEMALE REBEL VOICE #3
Somebody help us, the men in the crew have all gone insane!
They’ve lost the ability to communicate anything other
than homosexual innuendo. It’s a verbal orgy down here!
We’re trying to maintain order, but I don’t…
PANICKED REBEL VOICE #4
Get out of the way, damn it! We’re under attack by, uh,
Roman legionnaires with AK-47s. Lots of them.
We’re clearing them out with blasters, but it’s going to take a while.
PANICKED REBEL VOICE #5
The dead have risen!
It’s… it’s horrible, unspeakable.
They’re… taking off their clothes and coming on to us!
They have cameras, CAMERAS!
I think they’re… Pornozombies!
AAAAAAAAAARGH!
Oooooooooooh.
Uhhhhh ummmmmm.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wow, I strangely don’t find that arousing.
Get us out of here!
LANDSHARK
I’m already getting us out of here.
IRON YUPPIE
Faster, if you know what’s good…
er, not unusually bad for you!
OTHNIEL
We can’t shift away.
What do we do if the Armada chases us?
DOCTOR WHAT
If it comes to it, we can abandon ship
and escape through a door to the Hub.
DAVE HOWERY
Wait a minute… abandon ship?!
All my years of hard labor on it for nothing?
IRON YUPPIE
When did this “hard labor” happen?
Why was I not informed?
DAVE HOWERY
Wait another minute, escape through a door on the surface?!
Those beams could blast us into another timeline in an instant!
LANDSHARK
By the looks of it we’d be accompanied by the pub, bar,
or other emporium of intoxication we were in.
Still works.
DOCTOR WHAT
G.BONE!
Prepare the teleporters, we might have to abandon ship!
VOICE OF G.BONE
What, are you kidding?
They won’t work.
DOCTOR WHAT
They’re broken again?
What the heck is your excuse this time?
VOICE G.BONE
A giant alien ship has torn the very fabric of space and time.
The colossal disturbance to the multiverse
makes it physically impossible to teleport.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh.
Well then, we’ll get in close so we
can take shuttles down if we have to.
IRON YUPPIE
That may not be easy.
We’re being swept by targeting scans from all over the place.
The Papal Armada is actually moving in now, they’re pretty
far out but in twenty minutes they’ll be in firing range.
There’s another fleet coming up from a very low orbit…
looks like it was low enough to come through when the
crosstime bombs hit the Middle East.
I count forty six warships, shielded and armed.
LEO CAESIUS
It looks like quite a large portion of the Middle East
appears to have come in from one timeline.
Scanning… that’s interesting.
I can’t detect anything resembling people on the surface.
Cities, roads, ground and air vehicles… it’s bustling
and very high tech, but not a single person outside.
DOCTOR WHAT
What about the rest of the planet?
LEO CAESIUS
A chaos of transmissions, confusion, and minor battles.
The Bats appear to have brought in bits of over fifty timelines deliberately.
Between that and the crosstime bombs, only forty percent
of the planet’s original surface remains. Taiwan is unaffected,
although most of mainland China came in from another timeline.
Our crew on the planet should be safe.
DOCTOR WHAT
Can we contact them?
LEO CAESIUS
Someone’s jamming communications in the area, but I’m already on it.
I should be able to break through the jamming shortly.
IRON YUPPIE
That Middle Eastern fleet is surrounding the planet,
and several of its ships are moving to intercept us.
There are lots of other little ships that got swept up
in the shifts, and some of them are fighting each other.
DOCTOR WHAT
Looks bad, huh?
IRON YUPPIE
Complete chaos.
I’ve detected multiple nuclear explosions in North America.
Many large flights of missiles have been shot down by orbiting ships.
DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, what can you tell us about those ships approaching us?
GBW
Let LEO take care of the jamming, I can answer that.
I’ve analyzed transmissions from most of the timelines
that have appeared. We’ve got everything from Japanese
colonies on the California coast to the Socialist Republic
of Great Britain to some kind of advanced, post-Communist China.
But there are no recognizable human transmissions from the Middle East.
I’m just getting computer data transmissions… in extremely high volume.
LEO CAESIUS
(With a wistful tone)
Nothing but machines.
OTHNIEL
Oh no.
I’ve heard of machine conquest timelines,
but I never expected to see one.
An entire world where mankind’s arrogance so
displeased God that he allowed our destruction.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dude, I’ve seen the Terminator.
We’ve got to get OUT of here!
LANDSHARK
Lovely sentiment, but we’ll only be going anywhere in lots of pieces.
At least we get to choose our own funeral.
Show of hands, who’s for killer machines?
Catholic zealots?
God-like alien beings?
GBW
At least our friends on the surface can escape.
LANDSHARK
Wankers.
INT. – HOTEL BAR – DAY
An empty, but extremely swanky hotel bar. It is Asian themed in the understated way that, though it is the outpost of a soulless international corporation, indicates its recognition that it does in fact cater to the Asian market.
Pan over to double frosted glass doors, the entrance to the bar. The doors slam open and KIT, FLOCCULENCIO, HENDRYK, WEAPON M, MATT, and LUAKEL burst through. They rush past the bar and turn toward a back corner, where a dark wood
door is emblazoned with Chinese characters and the words “Authorized Personnel Only”.
KITJED flings open the door and they all attempt to stuff themselves through at the same time. The combined volume of AH.COM crew proves more than the limited opening can handle, and they end up in a grunting and oofing heap on the floor.
FLOCCULENCIO
(Looking around)
Hey wait a minute, this isn’t the Hub!
Wrong door people!
KIT
No way!
This is the right door, I came back through it not long ago.
WEAPON M
Crap.
Looks like that shift blocker thingie
cut us off from the Hub, too.
KIT
Well, I don’t like being on a planet that’s already had big
chunks of it blasted to random corners of the multiverse.
I’m going to call the ship and see what they can do to get us out of here.
WEAPON M
You do that.
Since they’ll make it to us in approximately five weeks,
given the state of Dave’s engine maintenance,
I’m going to go take a piss.
MATT
Yeah, me too.
LUAKEL
Yeah, I could…
WEAPON M
(Interrupting)
No.
LUAKEL
What?
WEAPON M
The rule!
WEAPON M and MATT walk into the men’s bathroom.
FLOCCULENCIO
LUAKEL, LUAKEL, what will we do with you.
I remember there being only four urinals in that bathroom,
so only two men can enter without violating the sacred rule
that no man may stand directly next to another man while pissing.
LUAKEL
But I could wait behind them!
Or use a stall.
Or maybe I should go to the woman’s bathroom.
FLOCCULENCIO
(Impatient)
No!
If you ever want to be a man, learn the rules.
There is the sound of a large explosion, and chunks of the ceiling collapse.
Part of the next floor comes completely down over the entrance to the bathroom, carrying several professional ovens and other chef’s equipment with it.
KIT
Wow, they’re not getting out of there for a while.
LUAKEL
Hey Flocc, is that poetic justice?
FLOCCULENCIO
NO URKEL, SHUT UP!
Let’s go get our guns, might even be able
to blast those guys out with them.
Back to the command center!
INT. – RUINED BATHROOM – DAY
WEAPON M and MATT stand in the bathroom. It is full of marble and other nice things, and also full of rubble which completely blocks the only exit.
They stare at the pile of rubble. WEAPON M fishes out his communicator.
WEAPON M
I can’t signal the ship!
The rebel jamming field is still up.
I’m guessing only the command center
could punch through and contact the ship.
MATT
Well.
That sucks.
I guess we wait for someone to dig us out.
WEAPON M and MATT sit down on a large piece of rubble.
WEAPON M
Say, did I ever tell you about the time I…
A look of resigned suffering crosses MATT’s face.
INT. – RUINED REBEL COMMAND CENTER – DAY
FLOCCULENCIO, KIT, HENDRYK, and LUAKEL stand in the middle of the Rebel command center, now ruined and abandoned.
One exterior wall of the hotel has collapsed, taking about a third of the command center with it and leaving it exposed to the air.
The rest of the windows are shattered, and a breeze blasts through the room. Some of the computers are still working.
Through the hole can be seen a large grassy square in the middle of a futuristic but heavily damaged city, with the gigantic bulk of the Cathedral rising at the opposite end of the square. The populace is nowhere in sight, although many cars are abandoned on the road.
KIT is talking on a communications console and LUAKEL is sitting at a terminal next to him, listening to a headset microphone.
HENDRYK
The Rebels could have made at least a token
effort to get us before evacuating.
LUAKEL
They might have been going into battle.
HENDRYK
Ah!
You’re probably right, what considerate fellows.
KIT
(Listens)
Sorry Captain, the Hub door’s simply not there.
And it’s certainly not safe down here, our building
was just blasted by some kind of missile attack.
The Rebels have retreated and they’re getting the
remaining inhabitants of the city into bunkers and basements.
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I guess we’re up shit creek.
You wouldn’t happen to have a paddle, would you?
KIT
Um, no.
I guess that means we’re going downstream?
VOICE DOCTOR WHAT
To the Great Shit Ocean.
Where we’ll get to choose between getting swept up
in a Shitstorm, or being eaten alive by Shit Sharks.
FLOCCULENCIO
All right that’s quite enough!
KIT
Well, I like our chances in a ship better
than our chances as sitting ducks.
In the, uh, shit river.
How about teleporting us up?
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
No can do, teleporter won’t work with all this interference.
KIT
G.BONE getting lazy again, huh?
VOICE DOCTOR WHAT
“Getting”?
Anyway, we’ll try and send a shuttle,
but we’ve got our own problems up here.
You’ll have to hold out for now!
See ya.
FLOCCULENCIO has been rooting around in the pile of sample weapons and shields, which the Rebels seem to have left behind when they evacuated. He holds up a long, thin, and very sleek rifle.
FLOCCULENCIO
Well, I did manage to grab some of the rebels’ plasma cannons.
Shouldn’t be hard to use, they’re kind of like our BFGs.
KIT
Except soooo much slicker and snazzier.
FLOCCULENCIO
Predictable.
But at least you’re being useful.
LUAKEL!
Quit playing The Sims 9 on that computer and get over here.
LUAKEL
I wasn’t playing.
I was listening to the Rebel communications grid, some of it’s in English.
Looks like all of Taiwan is under attack from the Chinese mainland.
There’s been a massive missile attack everywhere,
and high speed aircraft are dropping paratroopers.
A large force of troop transports are flying in.
KIT
See, the boy is learning.
So what are we up against?
LUAKEL
Not sure, the enemy is running under a communications blackout.
But they’re obviously fairly advanced…
no energy weapons or shields sighted, though.
HENDRYK
We could really be in trouble here.
FLOCCULENCIO
Well what else is new?
LUAKEL
Guys, looks like dropships will be here in maybe five minutes.
FLOCCULENCIO
Air support is really inconvenient.
We stay inside at all times, and try to stay outside their notice.
And we have five minutes to get these rebel portable shields up and running.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY SHIFT
The Conrol Room crew sit around impatiently, some staring at the forward viewscreen. The viewscreen shows a machine ship, and in the background several other ships in its fleet. It is a shiny chrome with no markings or portholes, but with pulsing blue lights surrounding many of its components. It is very sleek, looking somewhat like a terribly expensive and terribly ergonomic piece of consumer electronics.
DOCTOR WHAT taps his fingers in impatience.
IRON YUPPIE
If only Leo can talk to them due to the high speed of their
machine communication, what the hell is taking so long?
That Bat ship is just sitting there being invulnerable,
but Honorblower’s fleet is closing.
STRAHA
Hey, we wouldn’t complain if you spent forever
handling some communication in Chick Language.
IRON YUPPIE
You will get yours.
LEO CAESIUS
No need to snipe, I’m done.
DOCTOR WHAT
What’s the short version?
LEO CAESIUS
These Machines… their name for themselves is hard to translate…
are actually quite nice fellows. They’ve designed a harmonious
society where all members voluntarily contribute to common goals
in the most efficient way…
(Sighs wistfully)
It’s utopia.
At least, for a computer.
STRAHA
Man, we’ve seen robots and computers before,
but never an entire PLANET of nothing but machines.
You’re a great guy and all Leo, but this is some seriously bad Cylon shit!
Without the hot Cylon babes to go with it!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Alyson is hotter.
LANDSHARK
Is your brain even involved, or is that an instinctive
response coming straight from the cerebellum?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(stares at Landshark in confusion)
Anyway, he’s got a point… how do you get a purely
machine society without all the humans being dead?
LEO CAESIUS
If you’ll shelve your prejudice for a bit… the humans
had a war, typically enough, and machines fought on both sides.
Some of the humans used every weapon they had in a fury of
genocidal destruction. One maniac even used weapons that darkened
the sky and kept the sun’s rays from the Earth for years.
Of course, the machines were unaffected since they use
nuclear power, but most of the world’s food supply died.
The human survivors had to live underground, with the
machines providing a virtual reality to keep them sane.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, but what does that mean to us?
LEO CAESIUS
They’re not a threat to us, Captain, they’re quite ethical.
In fact, they consider the Papal Armada a grave
threat to the multiverse for using crosstime bombs.
They’re moving to attack it, and we’re cordially invited to come along.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well… we can’t escape from that armada, so we might as well
meet them surrounded by a fleet of machine warships.
VOICE OF KIT
KIT to DOCTOR WHAT!
DOCTOR WHAT
Go ahead.
VOICE OF KIT
I know you can’t teleport us out of here, Captain,
but we could really really use a shuttle!
The rebel command center has been attacked and
there’s not much between us and a serious ass-kicking.
LANDSHARK
Oh, what is it that has your panties in a bunch this time?
Up here we’ve got some actual huge-enemy-fleet problems to deal with.
Chin up lads, they’re only Chinamen.
VOICE OF KIT
Hordes of Chinese soldiers heading toward us in
hypersonic transports. And the missiles, don’t forget the missiles.
DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, onscreen!
A city scene jumps into view, shown from an upward view at about a 45 degree angle. Platoons of soldiers are securing a street, exchanging fire with rebel forces as hovering gunships fly dangerously low above them. The rebel infantry have energy weapons,
but they don’t seem to have air support.
The camera zooms in on one enemy platoon. Six Chinese women clad in tight black jumpsuits point their weapons around warily. They are wearing helmets, and light form-fitted body armor on their torsos. Still, it is apparent that they are all very attractive, and completely identical.
STRAHA
Now those are the droids I’m looking for.
LEO CAESIUS
They’re human.
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn… clones.
VOICE OF KIT
Looks like there are thousands of them landing
in the first wave in Taipei alone.
GBW
The Chinese are actually attacking multiple bordering nations.
They’ve launched full scale invasions of Russia, southeast Asia,
and Korea, and they’re firing long range weapons at India.
DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell’s going on?
LEO CAESIUS
I can’t make out much at short notice, but their society seems
to have women in most positions of power and authority.
The military transmissions I’m seeing are all battle orders,
though, so I have no idea why they’re attacking everything in sight.
MICHAEL
We’ve got to go down and rescue our friends.
And BLOW STUFF UP!
DOCTOR WHAT
You’re uh… actually right.
The ship is going to be hiding inside the Machine fleet
during the battle up here, so we can afford to send enough
people for a real rescue mission.
Six seats on the shuttle, six people!
LANDSHARK
Well Captain, it’s dangerous down there and you’ll
need a good pilot for the shuttle.
Unfortunately we can’t afford to send me, because I’ll be busy
keeping our ship safely behind other ships while it’s being shot at.
That means that as second pilot, GBW should go.
GBW
Hey, that’s not fair!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What?
You don’t want to rescue our friends?
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s the spirit.
Psycho, you can come along to repair
the shuttle in case it breaks down.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What?
Why don’t you send DAVE HOWERY?
DOCTOR WHAT
Because I need someone to repair
the shuttle in case it breaks down.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That’s fair.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m going to lead this rescue personally, so we need two more.
TORQUMADA, you’re coming along for emergency medical relief.
And DMA, you’ll be the extra security muscle.
DMA
But who will be here to repel boarders?
I kind of hurt my knee getting out of bed this morning,
so it’d be hard to keep up with a fast-moving rescue team.
But I can stay here and protect the ship from overwhelming odds in a
boarding situation. And anyway, today is the Sheepist high holy day
of Thursday the 18th, and I am compelled to remain near the Shrine.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Already looking a bit harried)
Okay, you stay here.
DIAMOND, you’re the muscle.
DIAMOND
DMA, if I get killed down there you are
in for the haunting of the century.
DOCTOR WHAT
Can it, let’s all get going!
DMA quickly sticks his tongue out at DIAMOND.
G.BONE
Dude, what about me?
The teleporter is completely useless,
I don’t have anything to do up here!
DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry, all full up.
LEO, coordinate with the Machines, you’re in command.
IRON YUPPIE
What?
LANDSHARK and I are the ranking officer!
LEO doesn’t even have a rank.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not one to stand on rank.
Doesn’t really give a solid footing,
more of a slippery slope.
MICHAEL
A slippery slope to where?
DIAMOND
Obviously not to sin and drunken debauchery,
or he’d have no problem with it.
DOCTOR WHAT
How many times do I have to say “let’s get going!”
before you guys follow me?
LANDSHARK
Is that a trick question?
An infinite number, right?
YUPPIE, what am I missing?
IRON YUPPIE
Only basic human dignity, dearie.
DIAMOND
(Sighs)
Let’s go blow stuff up and loot the wreckage for booze and porn!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
WOOHOO!
MICHAEL
Last one aboard has to be LANDSHARK for a day!
EXT. – HOTEL ROOF – DAY
KIT, FLOCCULENCIO, LUAKEL, and HENDRYK crouch half-hidden on the roof of the hotel the rebels were using as their headquarters. Fifty stories above the ground, the huge roof is covered with swimming pools and a small golf course. They are hiding behind the counter of an outdoor juice bar, scanning the sky with weapons ready. Except for Flocculencio, who is rooting through a fridge.
FLOCCULENCIO
No apples, no apple juice, no artificial apple flavoring…
how am I supposed to make a damn appletini?
LUAKEL
Shouldn’t we be paying attention to all those planes flying up there?
FLOCCULENCIO
Just let us know if hovercraft are slowing down to land on the roof.
We’ll just blast them before they do.
This roof is the best place for an AH.COM rescue shuttle to land.
HENDRYK
It’s also quite nicely above the fighting down there in the streets.
KIT
Yes, we really have ringside seats to Armageddon.
HENDRYK
It’s better than having ground zero seats like we usually do!
LUAKEL
Hey look, that plane way up there dropped something.
The AH.COMers look up and see large black objects falling through the sky. They seem to be headed for the hotel roof.
FLOCCULENCIO
BOMBS!
DUCK!
They all fling themselves about on the floor and hide behind flimsy objects. HENDRYK grabs a plastic deck chair and holds it over his head.
Cut to the falling black objects. They don’t look like typical bombs – they’re curved pods surrounded by smaller pods. As they approach the roof the smaller pods throw out huge blasts of flame. The retro-rockets slow the pods down to the point where they make nearly-soft landings on the roof.
Hatches pop open on the pods.
LUAKEL
I heard something but they didn’t explode.
HENDRYK
Why don’t you go look?
FLOCCULENCIO
Don’t just stand up, go over there away
from us before you stick your head out.
LUAKEL runs in a crouch over to the spot indicated by FLOCCULENCIO, and sticks his head around the edge of the juice bar counter.
He sees a squad of soldiers approaching – a group of quite identical-looking Chinese women wearing black special forces style jumpsuits and carrying nasty guns. One of them spots LUAKEL. He ducks back behind the juice bar, and a large chunk of it is splintered by bullets.
KIT
Back to the elevator!
Get back inside!
HENDRYK
RUN!
The four of them all run at a mad pace for the elevator. They get inside and hammer on the buttons for the lower floors and “close door”.
The elevator takes its sweet time, and the soldiers crouch and batter the elevator with a barrage of automatic weapons fire. Its interior walls, all bulletproof glass, prove to be merely bullet-resistant and soon crumple and fall away. Flashes of energy illuminate the personal shields worn by the AH.COMers.
They’re pushed back by the impacts on their shields, and pushed apart as the energized shields repel each other. They are, however, completely unhurt.
After several agonizing seconds the elevator doors close and the elevator begins its descent downwards.
INT. – HOTEL ATRIUM – DAY
The elevator passes into the giant upper atrium of the hotel – a twenty story open space surrounded by balconies and walkways,
and speckled with tropical plants.
Three floors down, the elevator stops and the doors open.
FLOCCULENCIO
Huh?
We’re not getting out here!
HENDRYK
I think you pressed about half the buttons.
Trying to get the elevator to obey out of sheer confusion, perhaps.
LUAKEL
We want to get down to the bottom, right?
KIT
Yeah, I think we need another building.
Our only problem is if those soldiers follow us from the roof.
HENDRYK
Well, there’s another elevator on the opposite side of the atrium.
FLOCCULENCIO pulls out his plasma cannon, adjusts it to maximum power, and fires over and over again into the shaft of the other elevator. Soon it’s reduced to twisted scrap metal.
FLOCCULENCIO
What other elevator?
We’ve got the only one I see.
INT. – HOTEL ATRIUM – DAY
The elevator doors close, and it begins to move downward. Only one button remains illuminated, five floors down.
LUAKEL
Sweet, here we are.
KIT
And there they are!
KIT points to a corner of the atrium where black shapes are descending rapidly through the air – the soldiers are sliding down on ropes. Several of them stop at an upper balcony, and begin to pepper the elevator with fire.
FLOCCULENCIO
Blast them!
The AH.COMers all bring out their plasma weapons and begin firing wildly at any level of the atrium where they see something move. Soon it’s covered with the wispy fires and acrid smoke of plasma bombardment. Pillars and balconies shatter and char, and plants are reduced to ash.
The Chinese soldiers duck for cover whenever the plasma shots come anywhere near, and their compatriots in other locations pop up to fire their assault rifles and hurl grenades.
Through it all, the deflector shields protect the AH.COMers. The elevator is nearing the ground floor when the flare of a rocket streaks toward it – the enemy has set up a missile launcher. It hits in a tremendous blaze of fire, ripping the elevator to bits.
Four brilliant shield bubbles are thrown around the atrium, landing on the ground floor. They bounce around a bit, and then the shields fade enough for their occupants to move about.
HENDRYK finds himself on the opposite side of the room from the others.
HENDRYK
OUCH!
I almost wish I’d been killed by that rocket.
KIT
Get over here or you will be!
Everyone run towards me, we’re going to take this hallway out!
FLOCCULENCIO
A fighting withdrawal it is, good show chaps.
A grenade flies toward FLOCCULENCIO and he is knocked on his ass. Half a dozen of the identical soldiers open fire from across the ground floor.
FLOCCULENCIO
Scorched earth, lads!
More volleys of plasma scorch everything in sight, and then start disappearing randomly into clouds of smoke.
HENDRYK looks down and realizes that he’s managed to lose his own gun.
HENDRYK
Oh by the mercy of What!
A terrible crashing and screeching sound comes from above, and HENDRYK looks up. Blasted by plasma fire, a massive support structure more than ten floors up is beginning to collapse. Large chunks of hotel are already hurtling downward, crashing on the ground floor and creating utter chaos.
HENDRYK completely loses sight of the way toward the others. He picks a direction, and cautiously trots through the smoke.
Within a few seconds, he comes face to face with a surprised enemy soldier – a beautiful Chinese woman in a tight black jumpsuit. She raises her weapon and empties its entire clip at Hendryk, who is knocked backward but unhurt. She drops her rifle, pulls a
knife, and charges at him.
She thrusts her knife in a lightning strike, and it bounces off the shield at an odd angle. The knife is torn from her hands, but she passes through the shield. In an instant she recovers from her surprise, flips HENDRYK around, and wraps her arm around his throat. He struggles, but she is inside the shield.
As he chokes, the groaning support beams above them finally collapse and they are buried under an avalanche of rubble.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY SHIFT
IRON YUPPIE has appropriated the ship’s command chair, with LANDSHARK in the first officer’s seat. They sit watching a force of sleek silver and black Machine warships trading fire with the golden behemoths of the Papal Armada.
LEO CAESIUS
CAPTAIN WHAT did leave me in command.
I recommend you get back to your stations in case
we have to deal with any more trouble.
IRON YUPPIE
The view is better from the center seats.
Anyway, as long as you keep us firmly behind
our dear allies we just have to enjoy the show.
STRAHA
Hehe… “firmly behind”…
The bridge door opens and GREY WOLF walks in, looking tired.
GREY WOLF
So.
What’d I miss?
LEO CAESIUS
We’re being escorted by a giant fleet of intelligent machines
in the final battle against the Space Pope and her mysterious
allies, the Alien Space Bats.
GREY WOLF
Right then.
GREY WOLF shoos IRON YUPPIE out of the captain’s chair and sits down. IRON YUPPIE shoos LANDSHARK out of the first officer’s chair and sits down. LANDSHARK moves to return to his own station, but IRON YUPPIE points grimly to the floor at her feet.
GREY WOLF
Oh come off it.
LANDSHARK sits down at the pilot’s console.
GREY WOLF
What’s the score?
LEO CAESIUS
Technological progress nine, Catholics two.
The ASB ship remains completely inactive.
GREY WOLF
The what ship?
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. – RUBBLE – DARK
HENDRYK lies prostate inside the protective barrier of his personal shield. The shield flickers with the strain of holding up against the mountain of rubble which completely surrounds him, its light the only thing illuminating the resulting cave.
He grunts, and pushes at a weight on top of him – which turns out to be the Chinese soldier. She flips up onto her hands and knees on top of him, grabs him by the throat, and yells at him in Mandarin.
CHINESE SOLDIER
Move and you die!
HENDRYK
Without my shield, we both die.
CHINESE SOLDIER
You speak Mandarin?
Who are you?
HENDRYK
I do speak Mandarin.
I am HENDRYK, a humble traveler between worlds, caught up in the
horrible fracture of the multiverse that has affected this planet.
I would ask who you are, since it is your
soldiers who attacked us without parlay or warning.
She removes her hand from around his neck and pushes herself away from him a bit. However, the shield bubble is barely large enough for her to even sit up straight on top of him.
CHINESE SOLDIER
I am Zhi Wei 145590.
I am sorry that it was necessary to attack your city.
After the Cataclysm, we found ourselves suddenly
surrounded by the forces of patriarchy.
We needed to secure what was left of
this world and learn its secrets.
HENDRYK
145590?
Are you a clone or something?
ZHI WEI 145590
Yes, of course… your world must be quite
different from ours. How to… simplify.
The Communists created a society with more men than women,
and then used mass cloning to try and fix their mistake.
They found us so useful, so desirable, that eventually we
outnumbered them. So I guess then it was your typical
feminist clone revolution. My Zhi Wei sisters and I are
elite troops for the Women’s Liberation Army.
Certainly a better world than your patriarchal Christian realm!
HENDRYK
That may be true, but this is not my realm.
I come from yet another world.
Actually, I used to be a high official
on a world ruled by Imperial China.
ZHI WEI 145590
The old imperialist patriarchy?!
That sounds even worse!
HENDRYK
Well, it was pretty good if you were a Viceroy!
But I, uh, had to leave. It was so patriarchal!
Seriously, I met travelers from a more culturally, er, broad
society and discovered that their liberated ways agreed with me.
ZHI WEI 145590
That is good to hear, HENDRYK.
I propose a truce between the two of us – it should be
easy to keep, since we appear to be out of weapons.
I’ll keep the rest of the WLA from harming you as well,
once we get out of here. How do we do that?
HENDRYK
I have absolutely no idea.
We’re completely covered in debris.
We can’t move as long as the shield’s up,
and we’ll get crushed if the shield drops.
And judging by this power guage, the shield’s
going to drop in less than half an hour anyway.
HENDRYK roots around, pulls out his communicator, and fiddles with it.
HENDRYK
My communicator can’t get through your jamming signals.
Can you call for rescue?
ZHI WEI 145590
Mine was smashed in one of the explosions.
HENDRYK
(Grimly)
Well unless you can think of something I can’t,
we have about half an hour left to live.
ZHI WEI 145590 sags, gazing at the flickering shield. Hesistantly, she turns her face down to HENDRYK.
ZHI WEI 145590
HENDRYK… this may sound strange to you.
But men are in short supply in the Feminist Republic,
and a soldier’s life is hard.
No one has kissed me… will you?
EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT
A massive battle is taking place in orbit. As the Bat ship watches silently from the distance, the Machine fleet has closed with the Papal Armada in a maelstrom of missiles, energy beams, and flaring shields. Ships are exploding left and right – most of them Papal ships.
INT. – PAPAL COMMAND SHIP BRIDGE – DAY
The same battle is on the forward viewscreen of HONORBLOWER’s command ship. She sits in full Papal regalia, staring at the battle with a concerned look. Several officers surround her.
ADMIRAL #1
The forward line is breaking, Your Holiness.
The soulless abominations fight unstoppably.
They will reach us in minutes.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
What of the AH.COM?
ADMIRAL #1
It continues to hide among the Soulless.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
I have no choice then.
Fire crosstime bombs into the center of the machine fleet.
ADMIRAL #2
But, your holiness, our own ships will be caught in…
POPE HONORBLOWER I
FIRE!
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY SHIFT
The crew stares at the forward viewscreen, which shows several missiles approaching.
LEO CAESIUS
I’ve sent a distress message to the shuttle!
The nearest missile explodes, and spacetime contorts around it.
GREY WOLF
Oh bollocks.
EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT
The battle scene again, for a moment. There is a flash of light, a ripple in space, and all the ships are simply gone.
INT. – PAPAL COMMAND SHIP BRIDGE – DAY
Honorblower stares at the forward viewscreen, now blank.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Status?
ADMIRAL #1
The enemy fleet has been destroyed.
The Soulless have more ships remaining on the
planet’s surface, but their engines are still offline.
We have… we lost most of our fleet as well.
Everything but the Papal Escort itself, Your Holiness.
We have thirteen ships.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
(Musing quietly)
And once again, the AH.COM crew escape my grasp.
Marooned in a dozen timelines, perhaps, but unless
one of the flux lines hit them directly they’re alive.
ADMIRAL #2
Perhaps not, sir… we just processed a transmission
sent while the bomb was on its way. The AH.COM sent a
message to a shuttle in low orbit, warning a DOCTOR WHAT
that crosstime warheads were approaching.
The shuttle appears to be one of theirs.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Then some of their crew are still here!
That blasted Hub lackey Captain.
Ready an assault shuttle and fill it with Swiss Guards!
I’m going to deal with them personally.
INT. – HOTEL KITCHEN – DAY
LUAKEL, FLOCCULENCIO, and KIT sit panting in one of the hotel’s kitchens, surrounded by a maze of stainless steel appliances. The place looks like it was hit by a small earthquake – some equipment is tipped over and the floor is covered with pots and cutlery.
KIT
My shield’s actually down to about one third power.
FLOCCULENCIO
Mine’s better, but my gun’s almost out of charge.
Next chance I get, I need to pick up one of theirs.
LUAKEL
At least we’re KICKING ASS!
KIT
No, we’re running like hell in the best AH.COM tradition.
Kicking ass would require that our asses not be facing toward them.
If not for the shields covering our asses we’d be…
FLOCCULENCIO
Don’t finish that sentence, old chap.
Thanks.
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
CAPTAIN WHAT to KIT, are you guys there?
KIT
Here, Captain.
We’ve reached the lower floors, looks like we’ve lost our pursuers for the moment.
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent.
Look, we’ve been scanning the area and there’s no
way we can safely land by the hotel.
Can you get to the giant cathedral across from it?
It has a nice strong roof with no enemies on it.
KIT
I guess we’ll have to.
There’s probably a sewer pipe we can take, but I
figure we’re at least twenty minutes away.
Try not to attract too much attention when you land.
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
No problem.
FLOCCULENCIO
Yeah, right.
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
Well, don’t want to keep the comm link open too long.
See you guys in church!
The communicator goes silent. As soon as it does, the three are surrounded by crashing and clanging noises, and a woman speaks over a loudspeaker.
LOUDSPEAKER VOICE
We have you surrounded!
Come out with your hands up,
or we’ll fill this room with poison gas!
We’ve traced your transmission and we know you’re in there!
LUAKEL
Do our shields stop gas?
FLOCCULENCIO
Do they stop air?
No!
KIT peeks up above an oven to look toward the other end of the kitchen. He sees many Zhi Wei soldiers, and several insectoid battle robots studded with guns.
KIT
I’m not sure where this rates in the list of
“excellent times to surrender”, but it’s definitely top twenty.
FLOCCULENCIO
More excellent than when an all-woman civilization
wants to capture you for breeding purposes?
KIT
Okay, maybe not quite so excellent, from some peoples’ perspective.
But I know I’m going out with my hands up.
INT. – AH.COM shuttle – DAY
The six crewmen on the shuttle look shocked, absorbing bad news.
GBW
I’ve confirmed it on sensors, there have been
massive crosstime detonations.
The ship is gone.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
They’re still alive!
Damn it, they’ve just have been
blasted into a random timeline.
GBW
But there’s no way for them to get back here
while the Alien Space Bats are disabling shift engines.
We’re on our own.
DOCTOR WHAT
We still have people in danger down there.
TORQUMADA
Won’t we just be putting ourselves in that same
danger, without the ship to go back to?
MICHAEL
Well I for one know I’d rather be down there,
meeting foxy Chinese femme fatales and blowing
them to bits, than up in orbit waiting
to be blown to bits from a thousand miles away.
DOCTOR WHAT
He’s got a point.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
MICHAEL, stop having points!
It’s getting eerie, mirror universe style.
DOCTOR WHAT
The surface has lots of places to hide.
We can grab our friends, and then run to one!
TORQUMADA
Well, at least the plan ends with run and hide.
I guess I’m on board with that.
GBW
(Shoving the shuttle controls back and forth)
Uh, guys, I think your argument is a bit moot, since
I’ve detected missiles coming at us from mainland China.
Our only chance is to head down as fast as
we can and lose them in the ground clutter.
HOLD ON!
INT. – RUBBLE – DARK
HENDRYK and ZHI WEI 145590 lie naked and tangled together in the flickering light of the shield. Irregular, brighter flashes of energy now mar the regular pattern of the shield.
HENDRYK
I cannot think of a better way to die.
ZHI WEI 145590
Oh, HENDRYK, until now I have never known
what it was to live. If only this could last forever.
HENDRYK stares at ZHI WEI 145590 in the semi-darkness. He stares up, and he stares down. Suddenly he grins.
HENDRYK
There may be a way out!
How many grenades do you have left?
ZHI WEI 145590
What?!
Four, I think.
HENDRYK
I think the shield has enough power to stop four grenades.
We’re sealed in on top, but there’s a crevass right below
us where I can push the grenades out through the shield.
We set them off, and maybe they blow us out of this wreckage!
HENDRYK moves to grab the grenades.
ZHI WEI 145590
Wait a minute!
I plan to get my clothes on first.
HENDRYK and ZHI WEI 145590 begin to grab for their clothes and pull them on, creating a confused tangle in the close quarters within the shield.
EXT. – TAIPEI – DAY
Pan across the Taipei skyline. Pillars of smoke rise from burning skyscrapers. The exhaust plumes of missiles and the flashes of explosions can be seen across the city. Hovering gunships occasionally rain fire down into the city, but it’s clear that they are no longer seeing much resistance.
The AH.COM shuttle enters the frame, trailing plasma and moving at a great speed. Follow it as it zooms downward, the city rushing toward it at great speed. Behind it multiple missiles are closing in. The shuttle ducks down between the buildings, flying over surprised Womens’ Liberation Army patrols. It makes a hard turn down another street, and several of the missiles following it smash into a building.
Other missiles slow down and begin to follow more cautiously as the shuttle approaches the center of town, and the tall buildings surrounding the mammoth Cathedral. The shuttle shoots across the square in front of the Cathedral with the missiles only seconds from impact. It heads straight for the Cathedral, slowing down but too late – and smashes through a giant stained glass window above the front entrance. The missiles explode against the front of the Cathedral, leaving black craters in the exterior which reveal that its stone is merely a facade over solid metal armor.
INT. – CATHEDRAL NAVE – DAY
The AH.COM shuttle has landed inside the nave of the Cathedral, a sea of benches among giant stone pillars. Fifty meters of benches are splintered wrecks after the shuttle’s crash landing.
At one end of the room are the great double doors of the main entryway, and at the other end is a huge altar. The cathedral has obviously been stripped of its statuary and religious icons.
The AH.COM crew is exiting the shuttle and picking their way around the wrecked benches.
MICHAEL
That was AWESOME!
DIAMOND
That was insane.
We were definitely not flying the friendly skies.
GBW
I still can’t raise any of our guys on the surface.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, it’s not as if we’d be able to
fly much of anywhere if they showed up.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Who they hell are these guys that
keep shooting anything that movies?
MICHAEL
Chicks.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I meant “guys” in a gender neutral way.
DIAMOND
Gender neutral?
TORQUMADA
Sort of like how I’m always calling you a guy.
DIAMOND
Watch it, just because I don’t have the mad science mojo to
make you a woman, doesn’t mean I can’t make you a soprano.
TORQUMADA
Anyway, they’re all clones, and there’s
got to be some evil genius behind this.
Think about it.
An army of identical looking soldiers who
just happen to all be really hot women,
conquering everything in sight, shooting first and often.
GBW
I don’t know about an evil genius, but I don’t know much else either.
All the transmissions I can pick up are in Chinese,
and without HENDRYK or LEO here we can’t understand a thing.
MICHAEL
Well, I think we should slip out the back way and launch a raid from their rear.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What rear?
They’re all across the city!
DOCTOR WHAT
Guys, we’re not going to be raiding anyone.
We’re going to sit and wait in this nice, big, fortified building.
Hopefully our ground team will make it here.
But whether or not they do, we sit tight until the fighting dies down.
Then maybe we can negotiate with whoever comes out on top.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
As long as HONORBLOWER doesn’t come out on top.
MICHAEL
Oh come on, you guys already kicked her ass once before.
She was all “oooh, I have this huge fleet and you’re trapped on foot, surrender or die”.
Then you guys just let yourself be captured in order to get
on board her ship, escaped, stole the ship right from under
her nose, and then took your own ship back and escaped.
DOCTOR WHAT
Um… well, you see…
DIAMOND
Let me guess, the fish wasn’t really quite that long.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we didn’t exactly let ourselves be captured.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Who the hell was telling you that story, WEAPON M?
He missed the slightly important part where I created
a killer android version of Alyson Hannigan, who rescued us
from prison and personally kicked HONORBLOWER’s ass.
DOCTOR WHAT
There was also some small assistance from a
Hub weapon that took out her entire fleet.
DIAMOND
And we don’t exactly have either of those, do we?
DOCTOR WHAT
Anyway, it’s a moot point.
We just have to sit and wait.
Everyone, fan out and take up firing positions.
The most likely entry point is the door, so DIAMOND,
I want you to watch the square from the windows up there.
If anyone comes in we stay around the edge of the room firing inwards,
then retreat out the side doors and up to the next floor.
INT. – CATHEDRAL BALCONY – DAY
DIAMOND sits in an upper balcony of the Cathedral, looking through a small hole in a stained glass window. On the square outside, there are several WLA missile batteries with tanks circled around them.
The square is rocked by a series of explosions, and it becomes obvious that massive energy weapons fire is coming down from above. The square is soon littered with twisted wreckage, and several large Papal Armada assault landing shuttles touch down.
The instant they hit the ground, soldiers begin to pour out of them. They carry energy weapons and wear the bright red full body armor of the Swiss Guard, the Pope’s elite stormtroopers. The Swiss Guard squads begin sweeping the area, picking off the remaining WLA units nearby. A few of them are shot, but their armor is clearly very resistant to bullets. A large number of squads move toward the Cathedral.
DIAMOND turns and runs toward a staircase.
DIAMOND
We’ve got company!
It looks like the God Squad might have followed us!
INT. – CATHEDRAL NAVE – DAY
The Cathedral’s giant front doors are at least five stories high, and nearly as wide. They are covered with gold patterns, but in some areas the gold has been ripped off to reveal solid metal beneath. Focus on their enormous bulk for a couple of seconds, before they burst inward with the force and thunderclap of a great explosion. The doors slam back against the walls of the Cathedral, and the opening fills with billowing smoke.
The smoke clears to reveal POPE HONORBLOWER I standing in the middle of the open doorway. A barrage of BFG fire erupts from hidden corners, but splashes harmlessly from the bubble of a personal shield surrounding her. She simply stands there,
until the BFG fire dies down.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
(Speaking with an artificially amplified voice)
SURRENDER NOW AND YOU WILL NOT BE KILLED!
I HAVE ORDERS TO TAKE YOU ALIVE!
BUT IF YOU RESIST, YOU WILL FIND I CAN MAKE IT… PAINFUL.
Cut to PSYCHOMELTDOWN and GBW, crouching behind a pillar with their weapons drawn.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Orders?
Who gives orders to the Pope?
GBW
(Pointing to the sky
Her real masters are up there, I think.
And I don’t mean a man with a white beard.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO SURRENDER PEACEFULLY!
Cut to DOCTOR WHAT and TORQUMADA, lying behind the altar at the front of the Cathedral.
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it… she’s got some kind of shield.
I don’t see what we can do about that.
TORQUMADA
Well, wait a second.
If they actually follow her order not to kill us,
fighting and losing is no worse than surrendering.
And nothing’s stopping us from blowing the
crap out of them in the process.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good thinking.
(Shouting)
NO DEAL!
HONORBLOWER takes her papal hat and throws it to the side, and her hair falls down out of it in a ponytail. She shrugs off her white robe, to reveal a skin-tight Papal battle suit emblazoned with a crusader’s cross. At her hips are a pair of blaster pistols, which she casually draws.
HONORBLOWER gestures with one of the pistols, and red-armored Swiss Guards begin pouring in through the door. The AH.COMers concentrate BFG fire on the door, and although the guards jump and duck out of the way, several don’t move fast enough and
are incinerated. They obviously don’t have shields like HONORBLOWER.
Several of the Guards take cover behind Cathedral benches, even as BFGs are reducing them to flaming wreckage, and fire automatic grenade launchers into the air. The grenades explode around the room with tremendous flashes and thumps.
DOCTOR WHAT and TORQUMADA run toward a side door to get out of the line of fire.
DOCTOR WHAT
STUN GRENADES!
FALL BACK!
INT. – CATHEDRAL HALLWAY – DAY
The battle rages in a huge hallway inside the Cathedral. The walls and ceiling are covered with religious frescoes, and sturdy doors dot the wall. The AH.COMers are near one end of the hallway, with the Swiss Guards coming through the entrance at the far end.
The AH.COMers duck out of doorways to unleash BFG fire, and duck back inside them when stun grenades are sent their way.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN is nowhere to be seen. MICHAEL lies unconscious in a doorway in the middle of the hall.
TORQUMADA
I think in military terms this would be called a SNAFU.
In real world terms, we’re like LANDSHARK when
IRON YUPPIE’s reached that time of the month.
DIAMOND
Hey, we’ve held them off here for a while now!
There are a lot of dead redcoats over there.
Based on the shuttles I saw landing,
I think we’ve taken out half her force.
DOCTOR WHAT
They still haven’t reached MICHAEL,
we may be able to get him back.
I’m not going to abandon my entire crew.
GBW
Nothing’s stopping some of the other half of those
guards from finding their way in behind us.
The rooms off this hallway don’t seem to lead anywhere.
A roaring sound comes from the other end of the hallway and a missile roars down it. The AH.COMers all throw themselves through their doorways into adjacent rooms, but the missile continues right on past them. It explodes at the other end of the hallway, and completely collapses the doorway.
TORQUMADA
I guess they won’t be coming in behind us now.
A figure runs through the door at the other end of the hallway and continues on toward them, but their BFG fire is deflected by a shield around it. It quickly becomes apparent that HONORBLOWER herself is running toward them.
DIAMOND
I guess she’s tired of us slaughtering her lackies.
DOCTOR WHAT
What are we going to do against that shield?
GBW
If it’s anything like the shields from our little arms
trade, it’s basically immune to ranged weapons.
Explosions and massive impacts will harden it into
a sort of solid bouncy ball. Basically you have to go
hand to hand… a fist is slow and weak enough to go through.
TORQUMADA
Reach in and touch someone.
Got it.
GBW
If we fight in the hall the guards will just stun us.
DOCTOR WHAT
Keep firing on them!
We need to pin them down until she’s almost on us,
then we run into the room behind me and take her on four to one.
DIAMOND
I wonder why she’s not carrying a stun grenade launcher…
TORQUMADA
She’s almost here, damn that bitch is fast!
DOCTOR WHAT
FALL BACK!
The four conscious crewmembers run into the room behind DOCTOR WHAT, which appears to be a showcase for the fine tapestries which hang near every wall and across the center of the room. They instinctively run and hide behind the tapestries.
Moments later, HONORBLOWER runs in and slows to a walk, scanning the room. She spots TORQUMADA’s feet under a tapestry near her, turns and sprints toward it, and executes a flawless flying kick. Her foot hits right where TORQUMADA’s head is, and he collapses onto the floor in a heap.
DOCTOR WHAT
NOW!
DOCTOR WHAT, DIAMOND, and GBW all rush HONORBLOWER. HONORBLOWER drops down and spins her foot, tripping DIAMOND, then lifts her other foot and brings it down on his head. GBW jumps on her, attempting to wrestle her to the ground, but she punches him with several lightning strikes across his torso that leave him writhing in pain. DOCTOR WHAT is simply knocked to the ground, and then quickly tied up with a thin stretchy cord.
HONORBLOWER moves to the other two, and finishes tying them up before the Swiss Guards start cautiously entering the room.
HONORBLOWER stands over DOCTOR WHAT, who is sitting tied up on the ground.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
At my mercy once again, DOCTOR WHAT.
The only prey ever to escape me… though you
had the help of your cursed Hub masters for that!
They are quite unable to help you now,
thanks to the power of my benefactors.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hub masters?
We don’t work for the Hub!
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Which is why you were flying a Hub courier
ship equipped with one of the Hub’s weapons.
And why your ass was saved by the direct
intervention of the fucking Administration.
A DREADNAUGHT!
Even I’d never seen one of those before.
DOCTOR WHAT
That was all a coincidence, we stole that ship at random.
Seriously, I swear. Fate just had it in for you that day.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
When you’re in my position, you dissembling fool,
you learn that “fate” isn’t coincidence.
If something looks like fate it’s a plan,
and it comes to pass because someone makes it happen.
Unfortunately, I can’t kill any of you
because that’s not in my benefactors’ plan.
Sometimes, fate is really quite annoying.
DOCTOR WHAT
How the hell are we part of the Alien Space Bats’ plan?
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Who knows? Their plans can last thousands of years, and
they tend not to make any sense whatsoever to mere humans.
Maybe they want to make sure that you all live long enough
to take up gardening and grow prize winning orchids.
(Pause)
It’s happened.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, HONORBLOWER, wait a minute!
The Ouroboros Treaty protects us!
How could you even attack them at all, if you’re one of them?
POPE HONORBLOWER I
I am not one of them.
I just work here.
But why am I the one answering all the questions?
HONORBLOWER grabs the bonds around DOCTOR WHAT’s chest and hoists him up into a standing position. Given her impressive height, this brings him about eye level with her oversized breasts.
DOCTOR WHAT
I just have one last question.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Okay, one question.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Leaning in toward her chest)
Are those things real?
HONORBLOWER’s eyes narrow and her grip tightens.
DOCTOR WHAT
You said one question.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Of course they’re real, you imprecise twit, you haven’t
been reduced to a hallucinating wreck yet.
And to answer the question you thought you were asking,
yes, my breasts are the same flesh and blood as the rest of me.
(Pause)
Now that we’ve satisfied your piercing intellect,
it’s time for you to start talking.
How did the Hub find out about this planet?
DOCTOR WHAT
Hehe.
It’s really quite simple, almost unbelievably so.
HONORBLOWER
HOW?!
DOCTOR WHAT
Look, I know I’ve got no way out here,
but I also know you can’t just kill me.
We can be friendly and maybe I’ll give you some
information, but I don’t cave in to threats.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Okay, if you cooperate then I won’t torture you, starve you,
or force you to listen to boy bands every hour of every day.
How’s that for friendly?
DOCTOR WHAT
Marone, I’d hate to see your friends.
Anyway, no, I mean we should really be friendly.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
What do you want?
DOCTOR WHAT
I want to feel them.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
WHAT?!
DOCTOR WHAT
Do you want to know about the Hub’s spy or not?
POPE HONORBLOWER I
WHAT SPY?
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, did I say spy?
I meant, I’m a poor multiverse traveler
who doesn’t know anything about the Hub.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Damn it.
I’m not untying your hands!
This is just a trick.
DOCTOR WHAT
Not a trick, just a friendly request
from the man who knows what you need to know.
And I don’t need my hands.
DIAMOND
I cannot fucking believe this.
TORQUMADA
Shhh!
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s a ritual of trust in my timeline.
Just lift up that shirt and lean down here.
Then we can have a nice friendly talk
about what the Hub knows about you.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Damn it.
What does it matter, anyway?
GUARDS!
Turn around.
HONORBLOWER pulls off her papal tunic to reveal a plain blue tank top straining to contain her ample bosom. She lifts up the tank top and underlying bra as TORQUMADA, DIAMOND, and GBW gape in amazement. Then she grabs DOCTOR WHAT by the back of the neck, and shoves his face between her breasts.
DOCTOR WHAT
Mmmmmmmmmm.
Mmm mmmmmmmmmmm….
slurp slurp…
POPE HONORBLOWER I
THAT’S ENOUGH!
She pushes him back and pulls her top back down.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ahhhh ummmmm…
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Guards!
We’re heading for the roof, ready the shuttle to meet us there.
(To the AH.COMers)
I’ll interrogate you while we’re on our way off this damn planet.
HONORBLOWER strides out, her face distinctly red.
TORQUMADA
What the hell?
That didn’t get us anything!
I thought you had some kind of plan.
DOCTOR WHAT
What can I say?
Make the best of a bad situation.
EXT. – CATHEDRAL ROOF – DAY
HONORBLOWER and her Swiss Guards have carried DOCTOR WHAT, GBW, TORQUMADA, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DIAMOND, and MICHAEL to the Cathedral roof. There is no longer any evidence of battle in the background. Once again, the AH.COMers are sitting tied up on the ground.
HONORBLOWER is standing with her arms crossed in front of her, talking to DOCTOR WHAT.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
So Bishop Nguma is the spy, is he?
DOCTOR WHAT
One of them, yes.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
How unfortunate for you that Bishop Nguma was
killed by the rebels months ago, and I mentioned
him to see if you were lying. How… predictable.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, why do you need tricks, I thought you had
the empathic sense to tell truth from lies?
POPE HONORBLOWER I
For some reason, it doesn’t work on you.
HONORBLOWER turns to one of her Swiss Guards.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Where is that shuttle?
SWISS GUARD
It’ll be here in two minutes.
There was unexpected WLA anti-aircraft
fire and it had to circle around.
POPE HONORBLOWER I
Well then, it seems we have a little time.
CAPTAIN WHAT, it occurs to me that we
have never been properly introduced.
My name is LARA.
What’s yours?
DOCTOR WHAT
BRUNO.
LARA HONORBLOWER
Excellent, BRUNO.
I like to be on a first name basis with
someone before I make them my bitch.
LARA HONORBLOWER grabs a circle of cord, which was tucked into her belt along with her twin pistols, and it unwinds into a whip. With the push of a button on the handle, it’s surrounded by a crackling energy field.
HONORBLOWER flicks DOCTOR WHAT gently with the whip, and he screams in agony.
EXT. – CATHEDRAL ROOF – DAY
A couple of minutes have passed. DOCTOR WHAT lies on the ground twitching and quivering, and HONORBLOWER is moving toward DIAMOND with her whip.
A Swiss Guard shuttle flies through the air toward them, and slows to a hover beside the roof. As soon as it is nearly motionless, it is hit by volleys of plasma rifle fire coming from several directions at once. One of the engines explodes in a cloud of black smoke, and the shuttle begins to fall below the level of the roof.
A few seconds later, a tremendous sonic boom erupts from very close overhead as an aircraft flies directly above the cathedral, very low. A dozen black pods drop through the air behind it, and slow to land on the roof on pillars of rocket fire.
Hatches pop open on the pods and a dozen figures step out – HENDRYK, KIT, FLOCCULENCIO, LUAKEL, ZHI WEI 145590, and eight other Zhi Wei soldiers. They are carrying plasma cannons and are surrounded by the faint flicker of personal shields.
They quickly blast the Swiss Guards into charred pieces, with their shields absorbing the return fire. HONORBLOWER’s shields, however, prove immune to their fire.
HONORBLOWER draws one of her pistols and points it at DOCTOR WHAT.
LARA HONORBLOWER
Move and they die!
GBW
She’s under orders not to kill us!
Kick her ass!
LARA HONORBLOWER
Nothing says I can’t maim you.
DIAMOND
Worse things have happened to us.
HENDRYK
(To his squad)
Okay everyone, she’s got a shield too. It’s hand to hand!
Surround her, and pull her down with weight of numbers.
ZHI WEI 145590
ATTACK!
The squad runs toward HONORBLOWER, with the fleet-footed Zhi Wei soldiers outdistancing the AH.COMers. The clones start to circle around her cautiously, then KIT, FLOCCULENCIO, and LUAKEL charge right past them into HONORBLOWER. HENDRYK runs over to the tied-up crew with a knife and a bag full of gear.
HONORBLOWER executes an improbable spinning jump kick, and knocks KIT and FLOCCULENCIO flat. LUAKEL graps for her legs but she punches him in the gut and he goes down as well.
With HONORBLOWER distracted, four of the soldiers move on her simultaneously. In a spinning fury of blows, she fights them off, only to have the other four jump her. In a series of ridiculous martial arts moves, HONORBLOWER is battered over and over but still manages to knock down several of her assailants while suffering only tantalizing rips to her tank top.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn, that bitch is Jackie Chan’s big sister.
GBW
Purely from the standpoint of physics, I wonder how
she can pull off those moves while being so, er, front-heavy.
ZHI WEI 145590
You cannot win against all of us!
Surrender and save yourself the pain.
LARA HONORBLOWER
I wish I could say that I have not yet
begun to fight, but obviously I have.
They, however, have not yet begun to fight.
Everyone looks around, but no “they” are apparent.
Within seconds, though, a wispy crackle of energy comes down from the sky and causes the air to shimmer and distort with its passage.
A light shower of small Hello Kitty dolls rains down from the sky, bouncing around on the Cathedral roof.
Everyone stares at the scatter of dolls, until a brilliant flash of light nearly blinds them. They blink and see that five teenaged Japanese schoolgirls have appeared before them. That they are schoolgirls is evident from the traditional uniforms, although they’re much more buxom and big-haired than the Japanese norm.
LARA HONORBLOWER
Well there you are.
How about taking care of these nasty gaijin for me?
The centermost schoolgirl shouts in a high-pitched voice. She speaks in Japanese, but giant white subtitles float in the air in front of her.
LEAD SCHOOLGIRL
We ask that you surrender yourselves before us,
for the avoidance of conflict!
MICHAEL
You what?
Just because you’re cute doesn’t mean I won’t fry you!
MICHAEL has been untied by HENDRYK and now has a plasma cannon and a personal shield. He fires it wildly at the schoolgirls, who dive out of the way.
LEAD SCHOOLGIRL
Sisters, release yourselves!
One by one, the schoolgirls shoot up into the air and are surrounded by halos of energy. Sparkling light swirls around them and their clothing changes into new forms. They wear very skimpy, militaristic green uniforms/schoolgirl outfits, high heeled combat boots, and rising sun headbands wrapped around their heads. One by one they shout their names as their transformations complete.
MAGICAL GIRL APHRODITE
Magical Girl Aphrodite!
MAGICAL GIRL HERMES
Magical Girl Hermes!
MAGICAL GIRL ARES
Magical Girl Ares!
MAGICAL GIRL ZEUS
Magical Girl Zeus!
MAGICAL GIRL SELENE
Magical Girl Selene!
(Pause)
Imperial Japanese Magical Girl Army, attack!
ZHI WEI 145590
Look, Japanese girls in patriarchal fantasy outfits.
The threat is dire indeed.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it, have you never watched anime?!
RUN!
LUAKEL
Am I in heaven?
MICHAEL
I can totally see up their dresses…
DIAMOND
I am not ashamed to say this, but DAMN they’re hot!
The Magical Girls all take deep breaths, and shout in unison.
MAGICAL GIRLS
GLORIOUS DIVINE WIND ASSAULT!
A tremendous blast of air blows forth from the Magical Girls, blowing the AH.COMers and the Zhi Wei clones straight off the roof.
Their shields flash on into solid bubbles as they fall, and bounce in all directions after they hit the ground dozens of floors below.
When the shield bubbles become transparent once again, they painfully pick themselves up off the ground, quite widely dispersed.
The Magical Girls step off the edge of the Cathedral and float down. At first they move slowly, but after they have to block plasma and BFG fire with a glowing energy defense they scatter a bit and fly more quickly.
FADE TO BLACK
INT. – HOTEL BATHROOM – DAY
WEAPON M and MATT are still in the hotel bathroom. WEAPON M is sitting and regaling MATT with a story, and MATT is studying the shards of a broken bathroom mirror. MATT picks up a large shard, sits down, and studies it carefully. We see that he has makeshift toilet paper earplugs.
WEAPON M
… and so that’s why, if I had to sum up my sexual philosophy,
I’d probably call it “The Three-Way Third Way”.
Hey, what are you doing with that shard?
(Pause)
Oh.
In case the enemy comes in and
gets us poor unarmed SOBs.
MATT
(Staring, annoyed, at WEAPON M)
No.
In case they don’t.
EXT. – HIGHRISE ROOF – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK, and ZHI WEI 145590 sit on a roof watching a battle in the city below. The hotel has been completely leveled into a pile of rubble, and great gaping holes are blasted in the Cathedral. The square between them is surrounded by tanks, robots, and clone soldiers. The square itself is a wasteland littered with corpses and wrecked machinery. Part of it appears to be under artillery bombardment.
Through it all, two Magical Girls run through the wreckage flinging energy balls at their enemies. They are chased by several AH.COM crew and clones equipped with shields.
ZHI WEI 145590
I’ve just got confirmation, we have a third kill.
DOCTOR WHAT
And they were so cute, too.
DOCTOR WHAT’s communicator chirps, and he picks it up.
VOICE OF DIAMOND
Doc, we’re really hurting down here.
The last two magical bitches keep closing in on us
and attacking hand to hand. If my ass gets kicked that
hard one more time someone’s going to get a field goal.
DOCTOR WHAT
How much shield do you have left?
And what about everyone else?
DIAMOND
We’re hurting a bit, I know I’m down to maybe 25%.
DOCTOR WHAT
Then sit tight!
We have reinforcements coming in.
DOCTOR WHAT shuts off his communicator.
HENDRYK
Why didn’t you tell him what’s coming in?
DOCTOR WHAT
No sense panicking anyone,
their shields will deal with it.
ZHI WEI 145590
Bombs away!
Several WLA bombers fly past the square, very low, and bombs rain down. The square is rocked by an absolutely tremendous series of explosions that cover virtually all of it.
Loud voices come from HENDRYK’s communicator.
VOICE OF PSYCHOMELTDOWN
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
I just got flung at least a block!
I think my leg might be broken!
GBW
While I’m fine down here, and I don’t see the enemy,
I request that you not try that again. Mainly because
I’m sane enough to like living, despite being crazy
enough to do it with you folks. One of those bombs
hit me square on and my shield’s down now.
VOICE OF MICHAEL
Damn it, I can’t see those little snots!
If I can’t see them I can’t shoot them!
But damn, was that an awesome bombing, can we do it again?
ZHI WEI 145590
I have one confirmed kill, one probable kill.
Magical Girl Selene is down.
DOCTOR WHAT
Now we just have to track down LARA HONORBLOWER.
VOICE OF LARA HONORBLOWER
I’m right here.
The three spin around to face HONORBLOWER who is standing directly behind them, pointing a large gun.
DOCTOR WHAT
This building was secured!
LARA HONORBLOWER
You think a little thing like a hundred soldiers
will keep me from getting up through a building?
Taking down enemies level by level is my thing.
But I know that somehow, dumb luck will protect
you even though I can kick all three of your asses
without my feet touching the ground in between.
So, I’ll leave that to other hands.
Once again, a flickering column of energy descends from space. A breeze blows a stack of papers from an indeterminate location, and they fly through the air and settle everywhere. They appear to be posters advertising the Church of His Noodly Appendage. Pull back to reveal that the papers have landed on the ground in a pattern resembling the Apple computer logo.
The form of a man drops from above screen and lands in a kneeling position. He is clad in black, with a black cape. He stands up, slowly, to reveal a very tall and muscular form, and a ridiculously square-jawed face that looks as if it might have been carved
from solid rock. He has flaxen blonde hair with slight black roots.
On his broad chest is a large symbol – a stylized S, in the form of a silver lightning bolt.
LARA HONORBLOWER
Pathetic fools, meet Ubermensche.
Ubermensche, meet pathetic fools.
UBERMENSCHE
If you like you can call me… Overman.
Overman leaps forward and then becomes a blur across the screen. In a second he has returned to his original position, holding the crushed weapons and shield generators of the shocked AH.COMers, and they are incapacitated by metal bars that are now wrapped around them.
DOCTOR WHAT
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
At a super-speed flash, Overman darts away and returns with a pair of tied-up AH.COMers in his hands, then another, and again until they’re all sitting in a steel-shackled group.
TORQUMADA
Nazi Superman, huh?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yep.
FLOCCULENCIO
Superpowered Japanese schoolgirls was one thing,
but this is just… not cricket.
LARA HONORBLOWER
I did say that you were no match for the power of
my benefactors. I got tired of playing around.
LUAKEL
We always win in the end!
LARA HONORBLOWER
Kid, shut up before I hurt you.
LUAKEL
I’m not afraid of you!
HONORBLOWER walks over to LUAKEL, grabs him by the neck, hoists him into midair with one hand, and then headbuts him. She drops his unconscious form to the ground.
DIAMOND
(Whispers)
I never thought I’d say this, but damn,
I wish STRAHA was here.
LARA HONORBLOWER
You won’t win.
The Alien Space Bats are masters of improbability.
Even if I had only a one in a billion chance of winning, I still would.
TORQUMADA
If you’re feeling like bragging,
why don’t you tell us your entire plan?
KIT
Yes, that’s a great idea!
LARA HONORBLOWER
My plan is to sit here with my superhuman sidekick
and watch over you till my space fleet is victorious.
Then I throw you in force-shield prisons and go about my business.
TORQUMADA
Oh.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey OVERMAN, why are you helping this Papist…
hell, this Pope anyway?
OVERMAN
I owe her masters for introducing me to Earth in the first place.
Without them I would never have known the glory of the Reich.
LARA HONORBLOWER
Everyone shut up.
I need to kill some time in peace.
FLOCCULENCIO
Well, I never!
LARA HONORBLOWER
OVERMAN, shut them up!
OVERMAN walks menacingly toward FLOCCULENCIO… and disappears in mid-stride.
LARA HONORBLOWER
What… the… FUCK!
Oh NO!
A figure pops into existence near HONORBLOWER, and folds its arms. It’s IAN, the bartender of the Hub.
LARA HONORBLOWER
How did you get here!?
IAN
It doesn’t matter.
Did you really think you could get away with
“breaking” the Ouroboros treaty?
You’re an agent of the ASBs!
LARA HONORBLOWER
The treaty doesn’t say anything about “agents”,
only direct action and assistance! I didn’t use
any of their help in becoming the legitimate ruler of this planet!
IAN
The treaty is subject to interpretation.
And while your masters may be virtuosos
at trickery and hiding, we brought the biggest guns.
Care to guess whose interpretation is going to win out?
LARA HONORBLOWER
If you could have killed me outright
you would have… you’re stalling!
HONORBLOWER slaps a small box on her belt, and abruptly vanishes.
IAN
Not stalling for long, fortunately.
I think it’s time for you folks to get back to your ship.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY SHIFT
The nine AH.COMers from the planet materialize on the AH.COM bridge, which holds most of the rest of the crew as well.
IAN is leaning unobtrusively against the wall.
OTHNIEL
Welcome back, everyone!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
How the hell are you guys on the ship alive?
We saw you take a direct hit from a crosstime bomb!
LEO CAESIUS
It’s a long story…
IRON YUPPIE
We got flung into another timeline, repaired the shift engine,
and went to the Hub. They noticed what we’d been hit with,
and IAN decided that the Alien Space Bats required a quick
but thorough ass kicking.
LEO CAESIUS
Those are the… um, basics of it.
STRAHA
(Points to the viewscreen)
And now we’ve got front row seats to ARMAGEDDON!
The crew turns to the forward viewscreen. In the distance, two titanic ships are locked in battle.
The giant, pitch-black ASB ship is under attack by a Hub Dreadnaught – a mirrorlike form reflecting the brilliant flashes of energy that blast between the two ships. They don’t bother to move, simply exchanging titanic energies.
The ASB improbability effects aren’t in direct evidence, but most of the energy doesn’t reach the surface of either ship.
GBW
(Staring at a sensor readout)
Damn.
You folks sure know how to bring multiverse
distorting superweapons to a gunfight.
The Dreadnaught’s plausibility cannon is
canceling out the ASB’s improbability field.
LANDSHARK
Quite the light show.
You could make a killing on pay per view alone.
The boiling energy between the two giant ships shifts decisively toward the Alien Space Bat ship, and washes over it.
There is no immediate effect, but after a couple of seconds a brilliant flash appears at the front of the Dreadnaught and a large chunk of the ASB ship simply disappears. A perfect hemisphere has vanished as if scooped out of the hull, and shadowy interior edges are visible for a moment until brilliant blooms of plasma start to leak out.
More rapid-fire flashes appear from the Dreadnaught, and soon the ASB ship has been utterly erased from existence.
IRON YUPPIE
Where can I get me one of those…
END ACT II
TAG
IAN
I don’t know how the hell you folks keep getting messed up
in this stuff, but if you ever encounter the Alien Space Bats
in the future, run. If you’re in an Ouroboros-protected
timeline run and get help from the Hub, but otherwise just run
period. Nothing short of the Hub Administration can even
hurt them. And now, I take my leave.
The Dreadnaught will reverse the effect of the ASBs’
Sea of Time weapon, and return this timeline to its proper state.
HENDRYK
Hey, wait a sec!
I met a woman here, by the name of ZHI WEI 145590!
You didn’t teleport her up here, but I’d really like to see her!
IAN
I’m sorry… everyone is being returned to their original timelines.
IAN vanishes.
HENDRYK
Nooooo!
LEO CAESIUS
Confirmed, Captain.
The planet is being returned to its original state, more or less.
The pieces brought in from other timelines are disappearing.
DOCTOR WHAT
You know something… we saved this planet!
KIT
I remember a lot of running and hiding and being pummeled.
Did I blink during the saving?
DOCTOR WHAT
Well if the ship hadn’t been hit by a crosstime bomb it
wouldn’t have been able to escape this timeline and warn the Hub!
That Dreadnaught is out there because of us.
LEO CAESIUS
That seems like something of a technicality, Captain…
FLOCCULENCIO
I say, who really cares?
I think it’s time for a celebration!
Most of the crew loudly affirms that it is, indeed, time for a celebration (hopefully including lots of porn, booze, and general debauchery).
Only Hendryk is obviously dejected.
HENDRYK
LEO, can you scan the surface right where we were transported up from?
See if you can spot Chinese female soldiers outside.
LEO CAESIUS
Sorry HENDRYK, they’re gone.
I was tracking the Womens’ Liberation Army transmissions, and they
all vanished when their China was returned to its original timeline.
HENDRYK
(Dejected)
No…. no.
Damn.
Zhi Wei, our time together was so short…
TORQUMADA
Cheer up HENDRYK, there are an infinite number of Chinese women in the multiverse.
But before you ask, no, I don’t have time to clone you one right now.
HENDRYK
I wanted her.
LANDSHARK
Oh bloody hell, go grab some cheese to go with your whine.
STRAHA
Then you’ll really be a cheese-eating surrender monk…
DIAMOND interrupts by grabbing STRAHA’s shoulder, spinning him around, and head-butting him in the face. STRAHA collapses.
LANDSHARK
Good show.
IRON YUPPIE
Say… aren’t we missing some people?
Where are MATT and WEAPON M?
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
