TEASER
INT. – OUROBOROS HALLWAY – ETERNAL EVENING
One of many hallways stretches through the vast “back room” sections of the Ouroboros pub. This particular hallway has a special sort of thought-provoking decor. Often the thought it provokes is “if I had the power to conjure a hallway out of the very firmament of the multiverse, I probably would have used a lot less shag carpeting”. Even those from timelines where disco’s empire never fell tend to take note of the carpet’s bright green color, and of how thoroughly unsuited it is when paired with the fading peach-toned paint covering the walls.
DOCTOR WHAT strides down the hallway as if he had never been more at home. He wears a white toga of the sort that a drunken fratboy might produce from his bedsheet, and is followed by three similarly-clad blondes: OLGA, HELGA, and SUSIE. The blondes appear somewhat nervous, more than somewhat drunk, and positively amazonian in comparison.
DOCTOR WHAT reaches a door in the side of the hallway. Simple brass letters emblazoned on the door proclaim “private party”. Below them is duct-taped a gold filigreed, bejewelled plaque which proclaims “High Temple of the Holy”. There may at some point have been another word following “Holy”, but if so, it is obscured by a crude picture of an unusually large sheep.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Knocks on the door three times)
Open in the name of the Great Sheep!
As DOCTOR WHAT stares at the closed door, just enough time passes to be embarassing. The blondes appear slightly fidgety behind him.
OLGA looks at Doctor What, holds her hands out one atop the other, and moves them down together as if to represent his short stature. Looks at Helga.
HELGA nods knowingly. Holds up one finger at a forty five degree angle as if to represent something other than DOCTOR WHAT’s stature, and then tries to make it shorter by folding her finger downwards
SUSIE gently smacks HELGA on the arm. Puts her fingers in a V shape surrounding her mouth, sticks her tongue out and makes a suggestively slow licking motion, and rolls her eyes back into her head. Looks meaningfully at OLGA and HELGA in turn
DOCTOR WHAT
(Oblivious)
(Bangs on the door three times)
Open in the name of the Great Sheep!
DOCTOR WHAT mutters something under his breath and opens the door himself. He ushers the blondes into the room before him.
INT. – OUROBOROS LOUNGE – ETERNAL EVENING
A lounge inside the Ouroboros Pub. The word “lounge” doesn’t normally suggest a place looking like the inside of a very gaudy Arabian palace harem, silk curtains and all. But that is, in fact, what the lounge looks like, except for the shag carpeting and the giant lava lamps. Much of the AH.COM crew is clustered into groups in the room.
Zoom in on the first group where PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MICHAEL, and G.BONE are seated along with three female SHEEPIST INITIATES, all seated and wearing togas of excellent quality. The SHEEPIST INITIATES focus rapt attention on PSYCHOMELTDOWN. MATT and G.BONE are nearby, focusing rapt attention on the SHEEPIST INITIATES.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Leaning forward and very animated)
…and the Great Sheep is woolen and plush.
Though it’s wrath be terrible unto the heretics, forthwith and verily…
MICHAEL and G.BONE wince at the “forthwith and verily”.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
… he grants unto his followers the greatest of warm and fuzzy comfort.
And so in the first stage of the ceremony, the initiates of the Great Sheep
will release themselves from their worldly garb and step unto the
Great Woolen Rug, whereupon shall commence the Rutting of the Ewes.
MICHAEL
(Interrupting)
That’s my favorite part!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And once the initiates have proven their love for the great sheep in the
incarnation of his clerics, they shall direct their wrath onto his terrible
enemies, the Goatists! For the Great Sheep represents the great dichotomy
of love unto believers, and wrath unto heretics.
And what shall be the fate of the Goatist heretics?
The Sheepist initiates continue to stare at PSYCHOMELTDOWN with rapt attention. One of them tips a bit and regains her balance. It begins to become apparent that they may not be entirely sober.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Tell them, guys.
MICHAEL and G.BONE
(Shouting in unison)
A JIHAD UPON THEIR ARSES!
G.BONE
(Aside to MICHAEL)
You know, it’s cool how we can just make
up things and call them Sheepist ceremonies..
Pan off to the side of the small congregation, where OTHNIEL stands in front of STRAHA, blocking him from moving toward the SHEEPIST INITIATES. STRAHA is wearing his finest imitation rapper garb complete with dozens of genuine imitation gold chains and his largest, darkest sunglasses.
STRAHA
Come on, man, get out of my way, I just want
to chat a little with the babes. Why are you leaving
me out here in the cold?
OTHNIEL
I’m under strict orders not to let you near the babe… sheepist initiates.
The ceremony must go off without a hitch, and you’re a hitch.
STRAHA
You’re not even a sheepist, what do you care?
OTHNIEL
I made a promise.
STRAHA
(Straha makes a miserable attempt at a look of grim resolve)
So, then… it’s come to this.
STRAHA reaches slowly underneath his leather jacket and pulls out a small but menaching looking pistol. The functional parts can barely be seen under evil black spines and pulsing green lights. STRAHA slowly raises the pistol toward OTHNIEL. He pulls the trigger.
OTHNIEL doesn’t bat an eyelash as a small flame erupts from the barrel, which Straha quickly uses to light a large, bulging joint. He takes a slow, satisfied puff on the joint, holds it in for a while, and blows the smoke directly in OTHNIEL’s face. OTHNIEL blinks and frowns.
STRAHA
I will br…
(coughs a few times, then regains his composure)
I will break you.
Pan over to the other side of the room, where FLOCCULENCIO, DMA, and LANDSHARK are kneeling on the floor, bound and gagged. Around them stand IRON YUPPIE, TORQUMADA, and KIT, calmly chatting. IRON YUPPIE is wearing her personal ceremonial outfit, in which she resembles a lumberjack who narrowly survived an explosion in a leather bar. Next to IRON YUPPIE is WAFFLES, her recently acquired miniature droid. WAFFLES greatly resembles a flying circular waffle iron with a single plug-like tentacle. IRON YUPPIE named him herself
TORQUMADA
Okay, I’m officially getting bored. Where the hell are DR. WHAT and
WEAPON M with the rest of the women? We can’t have much of a
Rutting of the Ewes with only three of them. That’s a twelve to three
ratio even just counting the people that are already here! And not counting
STRAHA and OTHNIEL, no fluffy tail for them. There’s just no
way that can work. I’m the anatomical expert here, and let me tell you,
we need no more than three guys per girl.
KIT
Your count’s off.
I’m gay, remember?
I mean, it should be hard to forget, it’s practically the only thing
most of the script writers seem to know about me.
IRON YUPPIE
Yeah, but Torq knows I want at least two of them
for myself, so that more than cancels you out.
(Wrinkles her brow)
It still doesn’t work out, though…
WAFFLES
*beep* *boop* *beep* *ding*
IRON YUPPIE
(Looks down at the bound trio)
Oh, duh, WAFFLES is right. The cursed goatists aren’t getting any women.
No, boys, as any good cult leader knows, new initiates can’t be the lowest rung
on the totem pole. They’ll bond with the group so much faster if we give them a
common enemy to lord it over. So the only thing you’re going to get is a sound whipping!
Purely in the interests of team building, of course.
FLOCCULENCIO
(Glares at IRON YUPPIE with eyes full of hate and a mouth full of rubber)
Crrrrrrs uuuu fwlll hrrreeeee.
IRON YUPPIE
I know you didn’t just call me a harpie, goatist scum.
But in case you ever get the hankering to do such a silly thing,
let me remind you why that’s not a proper way to address a lady.
IRON YUPPIE holds out her right hand toward WAFFLES, a slight frown on her face. WAFFLES grabs a coiled whip from a table near the prisoners and places it in IRON YUPPIE’s hand. With an expert flick of her wrist, IRON YUPPIE uncoils the whip, walks around behind FLOCCULENCIO, and whips him three times on the buttocks. FLOCCULENCIO steels himself and bears it with hardly a shudder.
DMA
(Staring at the whipping of FLOCCULENCIO, fear in his eyes)
Mmmmhhhhh mmmmm nooooo goooooottssst!
IRON YUPPIE
(Walking around front to talk directly to DMA)
Maybe you’re a goatist, maybe you’re not. All I know is, if you wanted
to be doing any sheepist shagging today, you shouldn’t have been making
stupid bets. And when you’re dealing with a woman who’s got handcuffs
and a whip, it’s *always* a sucker’s bet.
DMA
(Defiantly)
UUUUUUUUUUUU JUHUUUUUUUDD UUUURRUUN UUURRR URRRRRRRSE!
IRON YUPPIE
Oh, no no no.
(Strokes her whip and grins menacingly)
Today, it’s going to be a jihad upon your arse.
FADE TO OPENING CREDITS
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“SHIFT FROM THE FRYING PAN”
Written By : AN ALAN SMITHEE FILM
ACT I
INT. – OUROBOROS LOUNGE – ETERNAL EVENING
Pan to the room’s single door, an ordinary hotel style door which looks very out of place amid the Arabian splendor. It is kept shut by a chair propped under the handle. Next to the door, GREY WOLF sits on an identical chair and looks very bored. Muffled screams come from the background amid the cracks of a whip. Suddenly there are three bangs on the door.
MUFFLED VOICE FROM OTHER SIDE OF DOOR
Open in the name of the, uh… Great Sheep.
GREY WOLF
(mutters to self)
Finally CAPTAIN WHAT is back.
GREY WOLF slowly eases himself up out of the chair, removes the other chair from under the door handle, and opens the door. A short man runs into the room. JEFFERSON ducks around GREY WOLF, knocking over his chair, and runs straight into the room. Pan to the cluster of AH.COM crewmembers and Sheepist initiates, all of whom are now staring at the new arrival.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No women.
MICHAEL
Huh.
Everyone turns back to their conversation.
GREY WOLF
HEY!
Wait a minute, you’re not CAPTAIN WHAT!
Stop there… oh wait, it’s that guy.
Sod this.
GREY WOLF kicks the door shut desultorily, looks at the overturned chair as if it had proved a great disappointment, and lies down in front of the door. JEFFERSON runs straight over to IRON YUPPIE, and stops to catch his breath.
IRON YUPPIE
(Steps over DMA’s prostrate, drooling form to greet JEFFERSON)
Oh, hi JEFFERSON.
What’s up?
JEFFERSON
I need your help, Chosen Ones!
TORQUMADA
Oh great, not this “Chosen Ones” crap again.
There are a lot of things in the multiverse that I don’t know.
But one thing I do know is that if that there are two people
selected by Fate itself to save the Multiverse at some unknown
time in the future, they’re not IRON YUPPIE and LANDSHARK.
JEFFERSON
It’s not crap!
And this isn’t a social call. Today might not be the day
to save the multiverse, but an entire world cries out for
the aid of the Chosen Ones! The forces of the Black Horde
are infiltrating a peaceful timeline, and only you can save
their Earth from brutal enslavement.
IRON YUPPIE
(Condescendingly)
Look, JEFFERSON, thanks for helping me figure out
WAFFLES, he’s been a useful companion.
But… well, you know, we save worlds all the time.
It’s sort of what we do.
But it’s hard work.
KIT
(Lounging on a pile of silk-covered pillows)
Positively backbreaking.
IRON YUPPIE
And this is our day off. As you can see, right now we’re kind
of busy having a little rest and recreation. We don’t do that
very often, so be a good sport and don’t interrupt us.
JEFFERSON
Surely the Chosen Ones will not abandon a world in need?
It is your destiny to save millions, to be lauded as heroes,
to be showered with glory and all the spoils of victory!
IRON YUPPIE
I’m sure they can wait.
TORQUMADA
Wait a sec.
Glory?
Spoils of war?
JEFFERSON
(Hopefully)
Of course!
Not just for the Chosen Ones, but for their companions as well.
(Looks appraisingly at TORQUMADA and KIT)
This really is urgent.
A matter of life and death for billions.
The Black Horde is a terrible crosstime menace.
So far their operatives have been infiltrating and sabotaging,
but now my superiors have received word that they’re trying
to construct a multiverse gate. A gate large enough to launch
a full scale invasion! Unless a small, covert team can find and .
destroy their gateway before it opens, Earth is doomed! Or at least,
that particular Earth. I’ve been asked to bring a team of four,
the Chosen Ones and two of their expert companions, immediately.
TORQUMADA
(Mutters “glory… spoils… loooooooot…” to self)
You know, Yuppie, he’s got a point – we can’t abandon an
entire world to certain doom. And besides, what the heck
are we doing here? DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON M
still haven’t come back yet, and this ceremony’s not going
much of anywhere till they do. Personally, I’d rather have
some action. And I’d much rather have some after-action
hero worship.
IRON YUPPIE
But who will I get to whip?
TORQUMADA
Oh come off it, just because they’re tied up doesn’t mean
you’re going to get to whip anyone. The initiates will
probably get to do all of the whipping, it’s all planned out.
IRON YUPPIE
Damn it.
You’re right.
DAMN IT!
Okay JEFFERSON, you’ve got yourself some heroes.
Just wait a sec for Sharkie…
IRON YUPPIE unties LANDSHARK and takes the gag out of his mouth. He stands up, and rubs red spots on his wrists.
LANDSHARK
Just when I was getting comfortable.
But I’m ready.
Who’s next in line for world saving?
IRON YUPPIE
Hey KIT, get your lazy ass off those pillows and get ready!
KIT
What?
You think I’d so much as go for coffee
with some guy who’s decided that you and
LANDSHARK are the saviors of the universe?
(Pauses)
Come to think of it, why the hell am I sitting
around with all of you guys waiting for a
bunch of women to show up?
KIT gets up and leaves the room.
LANDSHARK
Well that was annoying.
Why is it that just when I’ve got the perfect prospect for
success, fame, and glory, people start deserting me?
IRON YUPPIE
They’re just rats leaving a sinking ship.
LANDSHARK
Yes, rats.
Wait a… sinking?!
IRON YUPPIE
Into debauchery, madness, and unnecessarily
constricting leather fashion accessories, dear.
LANDSHARK
Well yes, my ship sinks there even when there is fame and glory.
Especially when there is.
IRON YUPPIE
Really? Maybe I’m coming down with early Alzheimers,
and the first memories I lost were all the
ones of you getting any fame or glory.
LANDSHARK
Well I would have, if it weren’t for people suddenly
abandoning me before my moment of triumph.
IRON YUPPIE
Maybe you’re as good at recognizing moments of triumph
as lemmings are at recognizing slight dips in the ground.
The back-and-forth between IRON YUPPIE and LANDSHARK continues for quite a while. They’re so fast that TORQUMADA is unable to get a word in edgewise. WAFFLES circles around the conversation, watching it from different angles. JEFFERSON looks more and more impatient, until finally he snaps.
JEFFERSON
SHUT UP!
(Pauses, looks a bit shocked at what he just said)
Um, please let me say something. Look, we do need a fourth.
You might as well untie one of the others. Wait while I open
the Hub door to our destination. Just a word of warning, we’re
going to come out in a pretty posh bar. Try to, uh… look respectable.
TORQUMADA
(Gazes pointedly at IRON YUPPIE’s outfit)
Right.
No problem.
JEFFERSON strides toward the nearest wall, waving his hand at it. He stops suddenly in shock, with his nose inches from hitting the still-solid wall.
JEFFERSON
(Whispering to himself)
Where’s the door?
Oh no… it’s started already…
JEFFERSON walks back over to IRON YUPPIE.
JEFFERSON
You’ll have to excuse me a second, I forgot to check something.
I need to call headquarters and let them know that we’re about to be on our way.
Find a fourth!
JEFFERSON heads off without another word, and ducks behind a thick curtain.
LANDSHARK
Oh well, back to the waiting game.
(Brightly)
Hey, I’ve got a quarter.
Anybody up for a game of Guess the Orifice?
JEFFERSON stands in an isolated corner of the room, shielded by heavy curtains. He’s whispering into a handheld communicator.
JEFFERSON
Yes, of course I’m certain!
The Ouroboros door wouldn’t open at all.
COMMINICATOR VOICE
Shit.
They must have already started.
The whole Hub network could be down before we know it.
We’ve got to use WAFFLES’ teleporter.
JEFFERSON
But you bought that thing from a guy wearing nothing but a towel and a PDA!
I’m supposed to trust my life to it?
COMMUNICATOR VOICE
Maybe all of our lives.
(Pause)
Oh, shit.
INT. – OUROBOROS LOUNGE – ETERNAL EVENING
GREY WOLF lies with his eyes closed several feet in front of the lounge’s only door. His eyes are closed, and his head is propped up on a tasseled silk pillow. Three thumps are heard from the other side of the door, followed by a muted “open in the name of the Great Sheep”. GREY WOLF is oblivious.
The door swings open very abruptly and bangs against the wall, revealing three tall blondes wrapped in alluringly arranged sheets.
Cut to MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who are staring slack jawed.
MICHAEL
Damn.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Daaaaaamn.
STRAHA whirls around to face the door, sees the women, and immediately lunges toward the door. OTHNIEL leaps heroically for his feet, and tackles him to the ground.
OLGA, HELGA, and SUSIE enter the room, stepping gingerly over GREY WOLF. DOCTOR WHAT is revealed behind them.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(In slightly awed tones)
Welcome back, Father What!
I see you have brought more ewes for our great flock.
MICHAEL
(Eyebrows raised)
Congratulations!
I guess I’ll have to pay up after all.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Incredibly full of himself)
It was nothing.
All in a day’s work for your illustrious captain.
DOCTOR WHAT strides majestically forward, beaming with pride. He promptly trips over GREY WOLF, falling into an undignified sprawl on the floor with his makeshift toga barely clinging to him.
Not clinging at all to some parts. MICHAEL rapidly covers his eyes in shock. PSYCHOMELTDOWN is not so quick.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Staring in helpless horror)
Oh… my… no… the hair… down… there..
OLGA stares back at DOCTOR WHAT and gets a nervous look on her face. She turns to move toward the door, but finds that MICHAEL has rushed over unnoticed and closed it. He leans nonchalantly against the door.
MICHAEL
The ceremony will be starting soon, Initiate.
DOCTOR WHAT quickly wraps his toga back around himself and sits up. He notices that he tripped over the now-awake GREY WOLF.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey Grey, I only count six women total.
What gives?
GREY WOLF
WEAPON M isn’t back yet.
DOCTOR WHAT fishes around in his toga, then seems to realize that, well, he’s just wearing a sheet. He grabs GREY WOLF’s communicator and signals WEAPON M.
WEAPON M’S VOICE
(A bit too casually)
Hey, what’s up?
DOCTOR WHAT
Where are the women?
Right now we’re three short.
WEAPON M’S VOICE
Well, as it so happens, I have three women right here.
But you know, when I realized I have three women right here,
I really had to ask myself: am I the sharing type?
DOCTOR WHAT
(Pause)
Well, are you?
WEAPON M’S VOICE
No, I’m not.
In fact I think I’m off to set a new personal record.
Later.
DOCTOR WHAT looks unsuccessfully for a place to stuff the communicator into his toga, then passes it back to GREY WOLF.
GREY WOLF
Well, however much you paid for those three,
do you have enough for three more?
DOCTOR WHAT
(Indignant in hushed tones)
I didn’t pay for them.
I used my charm.
GREY WOLF
(Looks extremely skeptical)
Right then, well I guess you really are bolloxed.
DOCTOR WHAT looks toward the crowd surrounding the two restrained “Goatists” at the far end of the room. He ushers OLGA, HELGA, and SUSIE toward the other sheepist initiates, and pulls GBW, who’s watching the spectacle with some amusement, aside.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, why isn’t LANDSHARK tied up?
I said we needed three Goatists for the ceremony.
Go over there and see what’s going on.
GBW
Hey, I only came here to watch.
(sighs)
Pan over as GBW heads over to the group at the far end of the room.
JEFFERSON
(Spots GBW walking over)
Ah, there is our fourth!
IRON YUPPIE
Want to help save a planet?
Sharky and I and Torq make three, but JEFFERSON
says we need a fourth. We can’t take these goatist scum,
they’re already tied up here.
TORQUMADA
Was that supposed to be a pun?
IRON YUPPIE
(Glares)
You’ll get yours.
One day.
LANDSHARK
So how about it, GBW?
We have a planet to save from the
machinations of the Black Horde!
GBW looks around the room with a calculating expression. He counts the number of women. He counts the number of AH.COM crewmembers who aren’t tied up, and subtracts four.
GBW
Sorry guys, I can’t go. But who am I to stand
in the way of a world being saved?
(Shouts)
HEY OTHNIEL!
GET OVER HERE!
OTHNIEL looks at Straha, clearly torn, but then jogs over to join GBW.
GBW
Okay OTHNIEL, you’re going with Yuppie and Sharkie and
Torq to save a whole planet! Isn’t that great!
OTHNIEL
Um… yes, that does sound like it would be great.
But, what’s going on?
IRON YUPPIE
Never mind, just grab my hand.
IRON YUPPIE, LANDSHARK, TORQUMADA, OTHNIEL, and JEFFERSON join hands and form a circle. WAFFLES floats into the middle of the circle, and begins emitting a pulsing light. Within moments, the five have faded out of existence.
GBW walks back over to the remaining AH.COM crewmembers, who are clustered around the sheepist initiates. There is already a cloud of smoke off to one side, as STRAHA attempts to use his… charm… on the women.
STRAHA
(Gesturing with smoking joing)
This stuff is the greatest.
You need some for the ceremony, totally.
It’ll help relax you.
SUSIE
(Sniffs)
That’s just Pot Lite. Smells a good game
but it’s weak as a grannie’s hipbone.
STRAHA
(Leans in and whispers, with a pleading look in his eyes)
Quiet, please!
That stuff is my whole image.
Without it I’m nothing.
Nothing!
GBW taps on DR. WHAT’s shoulder.
GBW
We’re down by four, they teleported
out to save some world or something.
(Smiles)
There are just eight of us left here,
and there are six initiates…
Close enough to one on one.
DR. WHAT
Oh yes.
Oh yesssssss.
FADE TO BLACK
INT. – PITCH BLACK ROOM – NIGHT
The picture is completely dark. There is a brief teleporter-like sound, and then silence.
OTHNIEL
Where are we?
TORQUMADA
IT’S A TRAP!
We hear the sound of objects clatter across the floor, bodies hitting the floor, and accompanying grunts.
VOICE OF TORQUMADA
I’ve got you now!
DIE DIE DIE!
There is a series of dull thudding sounds, as a hard object hits a softer object. Suddenly the lights flick on. TORQUMADA is hitting a bulky mound of institutional carpeting with a push broom. He is standing in front of a wall lined with shelves of janitorial and maintenance equipment. Cut to JEFFERSON, who has just flipped the light switch. OTHNIEL is visible near him with his back to the wall, warily holding a mop.
JEFFERSON
Hold it!
We’re safe here.
Just give me a minute to figure out where here is.
TORQUMADA stops hitting the pile of carpeting. LANDSHARK emerges from underneath it.
LANDSHARK
(Looks haughtily at TORQUMADA’s push broom)
Looking sharp there, Torq.
Anyone who tries to kill us will be
totally dust free by the time they do.
TORQUMADA
Damn it, you bit my ankle!
LANDSHARK
You were trying to kill me! Although I must say,
if there are fates worse than death, they probably
involve the unwashed socks of a biologist.
WAFFLES floats into view, watching the exchange between LANDSHARK and TORQUMADA. He pulls back as IRON YUPPIE walks over holding a riding crop.
IRON YUPPIE
Sharkie, sweetie, what have I told you about teeth?
LANDSHARK
That I must always keep them sanitary so that
I may pleasure you at a moment’s notice?
(Comprehension dawns)
Oh.
IRON YUPPIE raises her riding crop meaningfully. Cut to JEFFERSON, who is speaking into his communicator as a series of thwacks and girlish squeals commences in the background.
JEFFERSON
Yes, it’s great that you know exactly which janitorial closet
we’re in. The transmitter on that piece of crap obviously works
better than the teleporter. But what I need are
directions to the briefing room.
(Listens)
No, we need to get them there on a clear route.
I don’t want to have any unfortunate confusion along the way.
(Listens)
Look, use your imagination, OK? I’m going to take them
up the emergency staircase. Have someone meet us there,
and make sure the briefing room is ready!
JEFFERSON turns to the AH.COM team.
JEFFERSON
Okay everyone, sorry for teleporting you into a closet.
Part of our headquarters is being rebuilt after a
Black Empire bombing. We’re going to have to
hurry through it to get to where we were supposed
to show up. Follow me!
JEFFERSON swings open the broom closet door. A large group of asian workers in overalls and hardhats are painting flimsy pieces of plastic to resemble furniture, pieces of wall, and even an automobile.
JEFFERSON
Clear the room!
The workers drop what they’re doing and run out a large pair of double doors. JEFFERSON walks quickly toward another door, with the AH.COM team following him.
INT. – OUROBOROS LOUNGE – EVENING
The cavernous faux-Arabian room is lit by flickering torchlight. DR. WHAT, GREY WOLF, MICHAEL, STRAHA, and G.BONE stand in a row, sitting aside at a table are GBW and MATT, watching intently. In front of them, PSYCHOMELTDOWN stands on a chair and intones religious incantations in a droning voice. Six toga-clad women kneel in a row facing them all, on the other side of a large, plush wool rug.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Om madme padme hum, om padme wadwe baaaaaaaaaaaaah.
(Pauses and looks down at the Initiates)
And now, discard your mortal garb and step into the woolen fold of the Great Sheep.
As one, the six sheepist initiates drop their togas to the ground, and step naked onto the rug. The looks on the faces of the AH.COM crewmembers cannot be described by such mere words as “lustful”, “horny”, or “filled with the desperation of a starving famine victim presented with an all you can eat BBQ buffet”.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And now shall commence the Rutting of the Ewes!
The lights suddenly return to full brightness.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the… uh, and behold, the light of the Holy Sheep
begins to shine down upon thee!
A very loud warning klaxon begins to sound.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dammit.
(Turns around to face the others)
Guys, I’ve got nothin’.
LOUDSPEAKER WARNING VOICE
Warning. This is a message from the Hub emergency broadcast system.
We regret to inform you that the Hub is experiencing a denial of service
attack on the crosstime network. The Ouroboros crosstime doors are
temporarily unavailable. Work is in progress to restore them. For security
reasons, entry into the Hub is now blocked. Those with personal teleporters
and multiverse ships may leave the Hub, but will not be able to return until t
he network is restored. Please remain calm and behave in an orderly fashion.
There is no reason to panic.
DR. WHAT
(Panicking)
Run for the ship!
The AH.COM crew members run for the door. Most of them are gone within moments, except G.BONE who trips over Grey Wolf’s discarded chair, hits the wall head first, and collapses in a heap. A wall hanging falls down and covers him entirely. The naked initiates look at each other in confusion.
HELGA
What are they doing, panicking in an emergency?
The Hub’s a pretty safe place to be.
SUSIE
Argh.
Men.
OLGA
Hey, look, they left the two goatists tied up!
That’s so inconsiderate.
The six women walk over to DMA and FLOCCULENCIO and surround them. They are quickly untied and ungagged.
FLOCCULENCIO
My thanks, madam. I can see that the perfidious Sheepists
have abandoned you. It is no surprise, of course. We, on the
other hand, are Goatists. Members of our faith, the true faith,
do not panic when specifically instructed not to panic.
DMA
Hey, I’m not a goa…
(Takes a long, slow look at the six women surrounding him)
Yes indeed, the true faith.
We were captured by infidel treachery.
SUSIE
Oh, you poor dears.
As long as this emergency lasts, I guess we’re all stuck here together.
The least we can do is offer you some comfort after your ordeal.
EXT. – HUB DOCKING CONCOURSE – ETERNAL DAYTIME
The AH.COM crew members run out of the Ouroboros exit, and stop in shock at the spectacle before them. The docking towers of the Hub stretch upward away from the concourse. Ships can already be seen leaving them and teleporting out. Huge crowds are packed around the main elevators of each tower, pushing each other forward.
DR. WHAT
Oh no… we’ll never get through that.
(Grabs the communicator from Grey Wolf)
DR. WHAT to DAVE HOWERY!
I need you to bring the ship down to my coordinates and pick us up!
VOICE OF DAVE HOWERY
I’m not on the ship.
I’m… busy.
Sorry, Doc, why don’t you just call Leo?
DR. WHAT
Son of a… I gave you an order!
Doesn’t that mean anything to you?
Argh, don’t answer that.
DR. WHAT to LEO CAESIUS!
LEO CAESIUS
Yes?
DR. WHAT
Leo, who’s in charge of the ship right now?
Anyone?
LEO CAESIUS
Actually, the entire crew has left the ship.
DR. WHAT
(Lets out a resigned sigh)
Figures.
Leo, I need to fly down to my coordinates
and pick us up. Can you handle that?
LEO CAESIUS
Of course I could! At least, if the docking clamps weren’t still attached.
The engineering team hasn’t got around to fixing them, so they still have
to be released manually. With the teleporters down and my robot body
still in the shop, I can’t do anything about it myself.
DR. WHAT
I should have expected this.
Really, I should have.
(Hangs up)
Well guys, I guess we get ready to fight
our way through that crowd.
GBW
What about the transit shuttles?
DR. WHAT
Huh?
All the other crew members stare blankly.
GBW
What, were you guys all too busy with your own weird
obsessions to read all those big signs about the transit
system? There are flying shuttle buses you can use to
get to the docking towers. They’re slower than the elevators,
so maybe they won’t be so crowded.
DR. WHAT
To the shuttles!
Uh, which way are the shuttles?
GBW points in the direction of the nearest shuttle stop, and without further ado the AH.COM crew run for it like frightened little boys.
INT. – HUB SHUTTLE – ETERNAL DAYTIME
Several members of the CF.NET crew are riding in a Hub shuttle as it flies up between the docking spires. The shuttle is fairly large, but mostly empty. DOMINUSNOVUS, FAEELIN, and BULGAROKTONOS are chatting and laughing.
DOMINUSNOVUS
Yeah, these people are wusses, like those Gypsies that Bulg kicked to the curb.
BULGAROKTONOS
Hah, yeah, I can’t believe they tried to get on our shuttle with us.
(Speaks in a falsetto)
“Oooooh, please sir, can you let us get back
to our ship, you have so much room”.
DOMINUSNOVUS
(Laughts)
But watch out!
That woman cursed you.
You’re going to suffer the most horrible punishment imaginable!
(Wiggles his fingers in faux-scary fashion and goes “woooooooooo”)
FAEELIN
Hey guys, our stop’s coming up!
Get your guns ready, I can see a crowd
outside our ship trying to break in.
The shuttle continues to approach the CF.NET ship. Faeelin presses the “next stop” button, pauses, and presses it again. He hammers on the button.
FAEELIN
Shit!
Guys, the next stop button isn’t working!
The shuttle passes the CF.NET ship.
DOMINUSNOVUS
We just missed our stop!
Frantically activates his communicator
Uh… Captain Ward, our shuttle is malfunctioning! Can you
home in on our signal and teleport us out?
VOICE OF WARD
Darn it, no time for that.
This place is getting way too hot,
I’m jumping out. You’re on your own for now.
Ward out.
DOMINUSNOVUS
SHIT!
BULGAROKTONOS
No problem.
We’ll just take another ship!
BULGAROKTONOS bangs the “next stop” button to emphasize his point. The “next stop” light blinks on, and the shuttle begins to slow down.
FAEELIN
What, now it decides to work?
Well, I guess it’s an unlucky day for whoever’s at the next docking pad.
The shuttle threads around to the other side of a docking tower, slowing down. Soon it becomes apparent that it’s about to land next to the AH.COM ship. The ship is connected to the tower by a transparent docking tube, and inside the tube is a group of people who appear to be trying to cut through the hatch.
BULGAROKTONOS
Well, well, well.
Looks like this fight is going to be fun!
The shuttle docks at the tower next to the AH.COM. The CF.NET crewmembers run into the docking tube connecting to the AH.COM, and their guns make short work of the group trying to cut through the hatch.
INT. – HUB SHUTTLE – ETERNAL DAYTIME
Seven AH.COM crewmembers are sitting in a Hub shuttle, spiralling up through the docking rings. DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, MICHAEL, MATT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, STRAHA, and GBW stare in nervous silence at the scenes of panic and pandemonium that they’re passing. Doctor What is clad in his toga, which has been hiked higher to allow him to run faster. The others are dressed normally, since apparently they just wore togas over their normal clothes. The silence is broken by the beeping of DOCTOR WHAT’s communicator.
VOICE OF LEO CAESIUS
Captain, the ship is under attack!
Three CF.NET guys have boarded the ship!
You’d better get here fast, or they’ll cut into the pri…
(Buzz of static)
DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t this thing go any faster?!
GBW
According to the transit map, the route winds around
for another ten minutes before it reaches our ship.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Is there some kind of manual override for this thing?
Can we just fly it there?
The crew cluster around the front of the shuttle, which contains a control console displaying the words “controls locked”.
MICHAEL
Maybe I can hack it.
Yeah.
I spent a bit of time hanging around with
those engineer buffoons, plus, I like computers.
(Pulls an electronic probe out of his pocket)
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hello. Engineering crew standing right here…
DOCTOR WHAT
Do you have any idea what you’re doing?
MICHAEL
Do you have any better idea?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Is no one listening to me anymore?
DOCTOR WHAT
(Silence)
GBW
Well, I do understand computers, and my suggestion is
don’t screw with the systems while we’re flying! Why don’t
we just wait till the next stop, and I’ll take a look at things while
the shuttle is docked, all safe and…
MICHAEL
What, are you kidding?
Those CF.NET bastards are stealing our ship RIGHT NOW!
MICHAEL kickes open a panel at the front of the shuttle, and begins rooting around with his electronic probe.
MICHAEL
Hey, I think this here’s the engine control.
Maybe this will…
The shuttle shudders violently, dips to one side, and then begins falling slowly downwards.
COMPUTER VOICE
WARNING!
Port engine has failed.
A rescue shuttle will arrive shortly to pick up this
shuttle and return it to the main concourse.
Do not panic.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Panicking)
MICHAEL, get away from there!
GBW
(quickly)
Let me see that!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Pfft, I could have done that.
MICHAEL
You mean cause the shuttle to go spiraling to the ground?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah…
GBW lunges toward the console. DOCTOR WHAT also lunges toward the console. Thanks to their quick thinking, they collide with each other and collapse in a heap.
MICHAEL
Hey wait, maybe this will do it.
COMPUTER VOICE
Manual override engaged.
The shuttle lurches again, and starts plummeting very rapidly downward.
MICHAEL
SWEET!
We’re gonna die!
EVERYONE ELSE
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
PSYCHOMETLDOWN
Pfft. I could have done that…
FADE TO BLACK
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIEFING ROOM – NIGHT
LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, TORQUMADA, and OTHNIEL sit at a large conference table with several grey-uniformed military types. The head of the table faces a large viewscreen. Beside it a bald-headed and tough looking general, GENERAL BUFORD, is giving a presentation. All the military types wear an insignia showing a stylized bald eagle, which also adorns the walls. Waffles constantly darts around the room, obsessively viewing it from every possible angle. The viewscreen shows the burning ruins of a city. Sinister black-armored soldiers stride through it, their helmet masks adorned with different patterns of warpaint.
GENERAL BUFORD
So you see, the Black Empire hordes don’t conquer planets,
they loot and ravage them and then leave the remains for .
the vultures. If they can establish a permanent gateway
to our world, the suffer and slaughtering will be tremendous.
Their sheer numbers could overwhelm us.
OTHNIEL
Which timeline do they come from?
What’s its history?
GENERAL BUFORD
We don’t know exactly. They’re barbarians, they didn’t develop
that technology themselves. We think that an advanced civilization
collapsed into decadence, and they managed to seize its resources.
LANDSHARK
That’s all shocking and terrible and so forth, but I still don’t see
why you need us to track down this portal they’re building. Surely
a group of your own troops could find a bunch of infiltrators on your own planet.
GENERAL BUFORD
It’s a question of time, sir. It would take months to search every
possible hiding place. But we can locate it today using a crosstime
tracker. That’s where you come in. You’ve travelled to so many
timelines that your bodies have accumulated a large number of
crosstimeaton particles. These particles will be attracted to the
portal’s crosstime generator, allowing you to use the tracker to find it.
IRON YUPPIE
So we just grab this thing and follow it straight to the portal?
Surrounded by a suitably huge army, of course.
GENERAL BUFORD
We’ll send you in with a team of our most elite troops. But the
army will have to wait until you find the location of the portal.
If the Black Empire infiltrators saw a whole army running around
near them, they could simply grab the portal and run away. We
need to capture it, otherwise they can just try again.
IRON YUPPIE
Okay then, how do we use this tracker thingie?
GENERAL BUFORD
It’s a device that you simply attack to your wrist. It points to the
crosstimeaton trail leading to the portal. Unfortunately, the trail
doesn’t go straight to the portal, it follows the crosstimeatic current.
So you’ll be following a winding trail rather than going straight
to where you’re going.
LANDSHARK
This is starting to sound uncomfortably like actual work.
I was led to expect loot and babes, not hiking the crosstimeatic trail.
OTHNIEL
This is our chance to save an entire civilization from pillage!
TORQUMADA
He’s right. That Black Horde looks nasty, but most of them are
on the other side of the portal and we can keep them there. Our
road to babes… uh, glory, and mountains of loot may be pretty clear.
LANDSHARK
Since you’re so eager to risk your life for their cause, we’ll be sure
to assign you all available jobs as distraction, diversion, and bait.
IRON YUPPIE
Sharkie dear, traps should be baited with something attractive.
LANDSHARK
Ah yes, wouldn’t want the enemy running away from the
diversion and into us, would we? Naturally, we’ll tape a
picture of Keira Knightley to his face.
IRON YUPPIE glowers.
LANDSHARK
I mean, we’ll tape YOUR picture over his face, YOUR picture!
Even that’ll only work until they smell his socks, though.
IRON YUPPIE
The troopers in that video were using gas masks…
TORQUMADA
Can it! LANDSHARK may be afraid of your riding crop,
and heck, I might be a little afraid of your riding crop.
But I guarantee you that giant mutant spider-squids are not
afraid of it, and the more you insult me
the more you’d better worry about them.
OTHNIEL
Can you take no joy in animals in non-giant-mutant form?
TORQUMADA
Well, I kind of like miniaturized giant sea turtles.
OTHNIEL
(Stares blankly for a moment)
GENERAL BULLARD, I think we’re actually ready to get started.
GENERAL BULLARD
Finally.
Uh, excellent. I’ll just send you over to our
special ops team to get you on your way.
TORQUMADA
One problem, general.
We came here in such haste to, uh, help you, that we forgot our weapons.
(Glances pointedly at IRON YUPPIE’s riding crop)
I wouldn’t want to take on an army with nothing but Yuppie’s weapon
of ass distruction. You wouldn’t happen to have an army of giant mutant
attack weasels, would you? Even giant mutant attack hamsters? I left
mine at home, but they’d make me feel a lot more comfortable on this mission.
GENERAL BUFORD
Don’t worry sir, we’ll take complete care of you in that department…
TORQUMADA
(Interrupting)
Huzzah.
GENERAL BUFORD
The, uh, weapons, not the weasels.
INT. – HUB SHUTTLE – ETERNAL DAYTIME
The Hub shuttle plummets through the air as the seven AH.COM crew try to pick themselves up off the floor. Tremendously tall Hub docking towers flash by, their landing pads coming uncomfortably close to hitting the shuttle.
MICHAEL stands up and takes the controls. After a few seconds of fiddling, the shuttle goes into more of a controlled fall.
MICHAEL
Damn, we’re going to have to pull
an emergency landing, uh… somewhere.
The shuttle veers madly to the right to avoid a mess of transit tubes connecting some of the docking spires, knocking over most of the crew.
GBW
(Pointing helpfully)
Hey MICHAEL, go that way! The lower hangars are huge,
there should be plenty of room for a crash, uh, emergency landing.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Staring incredulously at GBW)
How do you know this stuff?
GBW
What?
You guys didn’t look at the transit maps or read the tourist brochures?
You probably didn’t even read the Hub FAQ, did you?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Um, no.
GBW begins to sigh, but is interrupted as the shuttle lurches to avoid a large ship which is heading away from a docking spire. The crew’s attention is drawn away from bickering as the shuttle weaves through a gaggle of smaller craft, and then begins spiraling downward through a maze of dark, disused docking towers.
DOCTOR WHAT suddenly shoves MICHAEL out of the way and grabs the controls. He veers the shuttle between two of the towers, throwing the rest of the crew to the ground.
MICHAEL
WHAT THE HELL?!
DOCTOR WHAT
I have a better feeling about this direction.
The shuttle starts to list dangerously to the left as the situation exceeds DOCTOR WHAT’s piloting ability. MICHAEL grabs the controls again, just in time to avoid smashing the shuttle head on into a large tower.
After about ten seconds that seem much longer, MICHAEL brings the shuttle’s nose up and crash lands it on the metal floor of a gigantic docking pad. Once everyone picks themselves up, they head out the shuttle door and look around.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Holy shit… will you look at that?
Amid the shadows of the unused docking section are streaks of glowing green light. It quickly becomes apparent that the glow comes from the engine coils and other accessories of an otherwise pitch-black spaceship. Sleek, smooth, dangerous looking, and over two hundred meters long. It appears to be hovering just above the floor of the docking platform. A ramp leads up to a hatch on the side of the ship.
GREY WOLF
Wow… that looks pretty customized, but based on the overall
shape and the position of the engine coils, it’s obviously based
on a Karashi D59 fast attack cruiser.
(Looks expectant)
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh, what’s that?
GREY WOLF
Well, it’s 234 meters long, weighs 84,500 tons,
and has a pulse gravitic drive…
(Sees the blank looks on the faces of his audience)
Right then. It’s way out of our league.
DOCTOR WHAT
Gentlemen, I think our luck has just taken a turn for the better.
Last one on board gets to wear the red shirt next mission!
The crew run across the platform and up the ramp, and come to a stop at the hatch
DOCTOR WHAT confidently presses the entry button by the side of the hatch, while MATT pulls out his blaster.
To the shock of all involved, the hatch opens.
MATT
(Holsters his blaster
Well that was easy… too easy.
STRAHA
Thanks for jinxing us, Mr. Horror Movie Quote.
It’s a free ship!
Let’s get on, and get out of here!
DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s find the bridge.
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT
The crew stand looking around in awe at the bridge of the unknown ship. Computer screens and holographic displays show the status of an amazing array of ship systems, while the ubiquitous green on black ergonomic surroundings provide an aura of sophistication and menace.
GBW
Green and black?
Who the hell decorated this thing, Romulan leather fetishists?
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s so… clean.
So new.
So obviously in full working order.
(Strokes a control panel)
Oh sweety, oh baby, don’t you worry.
Daddy’s gonna treat you right.
GREY WOLF
You’ve got to wonder whose this is, though, and where they are.
We haven’t seen anybody on board so far, but the door was open.
MICHAEL
Well, even if the hatch was open, these controls are all locked.
None of the panels even respond at all when I touch them.
DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, well, this time let’s not be rash.
MATT, I want you to guard the hatch.
GBW, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and MICHAEL see if you can
find the engineering section and hack anything in there.
GREY WOLF and I will stay on the bridge and try to figure
out these controls, working or not.
STRAHA
What about me?
DOCTOR WHAT
Practice the zen of not touching anything.
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY HATCHWAY – DAY SHIFT
MATT stands inside the ship with his gun at the ready, peeking his head out of the hatch far enough to watch the nearby area. Casting his bored eyes across the docking platform again, he catches movement.
MATT
What the… oh shit!
(Ducks inside and grabs his communicator)
MATT to DOCTOR WHAT!
Come in!
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
What here.
What’s up?
MATT
I think I’ve spotted the crew approaching.
Looks to be about twenty of them.
Captain, they’re robots.
Big nasty looking robots.
VOICE OF DOCTOR WHAT
Close the hatch! Seal it with your blaster and
do everything you can to keep them out!
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT
DOCTOR WHAT puts down his communicator, then pounds on an unresponsive console in frustration. He picks up his communicator again.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey GBW, are you guys having any luck down there?
VOICE OF GBW
Uh, not really. The central computer core has a force field around it.
I might be able to turn the engines on manually. But without the
computer you wouldn’t have any of those fancy features like “navigation”
and “piloting” and “not shifting into the inside of the moon”.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well I’ll tell you what… we’ve got some potential killer robots
coming our way. So I want you to power up the shift drive
directly and make an uncontrolled jump.
GBW
WHAT?
We haven’t even lifted off!
That close to a solid mass without computer control,
pretty much anything could happen!
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, I don’t think my sweetie will let me down.
DO IT!
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY HATCHWAY – DAY SHIFT
MATT, GREY WOLF, and DOCTOR WHAT stare very nervously at the ship’s closed hatchway door, which is glowing a dull red.
MATT
They’re almost through the shield.
What ARE those things?
DOCTOR WHAT
(Pensive)
They look like Daemons.
Machines that work for the Hub.
GREY WOLF
Oh bollocks.
Oh bloody flying fuck.
We’re stealing a Hub ship.
We’re stealing a hub ship.
I think I’ve got to sit down.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Defensively)
It’s not a Hub ship, no way.
You said yourself, this is basically a standard issue
ship, right? By Hub standards, it’s a relic.
MATT
(Darkly)
Unless it’s meant to be inconspicuous.
VOICE OF GBW
Guys, I’ve got it!
I think I can turn on the shift engine!
Oh, hell!
I think I just turned on the shift engine!
HOLD ON!
FADE TO BLACK
EXT. – ABANDONED CITY STREET – NIGHT
A large military hovercraft flies slowly above an empty street. Eight armored soldiers on hoverbikes surround it, watching the darkened buildings surrounding them.
Cut to the inside of the hovercraft. LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, OTHNIEL, TORQUMADA, and JEFFERSON have put on armored exoskeletons. The AH.COM team is inquisitively poking and prodding large guns, except for OTHNIEL who is inquisitively poking and prodding a blinking sensor device attached to one of his arms. A team of similarly-equipped special forces soldiers rides with them
Although mostly steel grey, the armor chests are color coded with yellow for JEFFERSON, blue for the AH.COM team, and red for the special forces commandos. WAFFLES is poking himself into various corners.
IRON YUPPIE
This thing really does fit perfectly.
You commandos seem to all be burly six foot men,
wherever did you get one in my size?
JEFFERSON
You’re all heroes!
We had them fitted in advance.
OTHNIEL
I think I have this thing figured out.
It’s saying we should go… um, straight ahead.
Well, that’s good since we’re already going that way.
TORQUMADA is swinging around his rifle, practicing pointing at it. A grin spreads across his face.
TORQUMADA
This thing looks so… menacing.
Why can’t our guns be designed more like this?
OTHNIEL
Special effects budget.
LANDSHARK and TORQUMADA stare at OTHNIEL, mouths agape.
OTHNIEL
What?!
I have a sense of humor too.
JEFFERSON
Is everyone ready?
Remember, Black Empire infiltrators may be patrolling
the area.Stay sharp!And remember, if the red light
is blinking on your plasma cannons, it means you’ve been
firing too much and it’s overheated.Just give it twenty or
thirty seconds to cool down.
There is a flash outside the transport. The passengers move to the window to see outside.
The commando hoverbikes are under attack by another force of hoverbikes, obviously belonging to the Black Empire. Their bikes are highly stylized, with the front ends painted with the torsos of blond, bare-breasted white women. The riders have the same enlarged armor, but they wear aerodynamic helmets that look like futuristic wooden war masks.
The transport is quickly surrounded by a chaotic aerial battle, with bikes on both sides performing incredible manouvers. Several bikes are blown out of the sky, and blaster fire scorches nearby buildings.
TORQUMADA
Look at those bikes!
Now that’s what I call black on white action.
LANDSHARK
Thanks for pointing that out, Torq.
Otherwise I wouldn’t have noticed the subtle innuendo inherent
in black soldiers riding bikes painted to look like naked blondes.
TORQUMADA
You’re right, you wouldn’t have noticed it.
The man being on top is too far outside your experience.
LANDSHARK
Non-humanoid organisms are outside my experience too!
IRON YUPPIE
Boys, boys, play nice or you might find a spanking coming your way.
TORQUMADA hefts his shiny new gun.
TORQUMADA
Spank this. And when we get home, you can try spanking
my monkey. The one with the electrified tentacles.
IRON YUPPIE
WAFFLES!
My crop!
WAFFLES whips out IRON YUPPIE’s riding crop with his single noodly appendage, and places it gently into IRON YUPPIE’s outstretched hand.
JEFFERSON
Oh great.
JEFFERSON turns around and speaks quietly with the pilot.
As they’re speaking, a giant explosion rocks the hovercraft, throwing everyone into a heap on the floor. The craft tilts dangerously toward one side.
JEFFERSON
WE’RE GOING DOWN!
FADE TO BLACK
EXT. – ABANDONED CITY STREET – NIGHT
LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, TORQUMADA, and OTHNIEL stand next to JEFFERSON and a dozen commandos. Next to them is the smoldering wreckage of the hovercraft.
JEFFERSON
Now that our bikers have drawn off theirs, we need to move quickly.
Once we get inside the transit tunnels, we can move between buildings
without being exposed to attack from the air.
OTHNIEL
(Studying the tracking device on his arm)
Hey, the tracker is pointing toward that big building over there!
The one with the sign saying “Transit Station”.
TORQUMADA
That’s pretty convenient.
Something that convenient is always a trap.
LANDSHARK
Well I’m going to cast my vote against death from above.
LANDSHARK runs toward the building.
IRON YUPPIE
Isn’t democracy great?
IRON YUPPIE runs toward the building.
INT. – STARSHIP GATEWAY BRIDGE – DAY SHIFT
The six AH.COM crewmembers stand on the bridge of the ship, looking around them. DOCTOR WHAT stares at the viewscreens, trying in vain to figure out where they are.
STRAHA
Where the hell are we and what do we do now?
GBW
Hey Straha, chill, we’re trying to figure it out.
STRAHA
How am I supposed to chill without my WEED?!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You’ll chill pretty fast if I throw you out the airlock.
Can I, Captain?
Please?
DOCTOR WHAT
No!
We need Straha for… uh… what he does.
We just need to find out where we are.
Dammit, you piece of junk, where have you jumped us to?
COMPUTER VOICE
We are located in interplanetary space, nine hundred and
forty seven thousand kilometers from Jupiter. And if I was
a smelly bag of sticky fluids like you are, I’d think twice about
calling anyone a piece of junk.
The crew stares around in stunned silence, looking for the source of the voice.
GREY WOLF
Who said that?
COMPUTER VOICE
I am GATEWAY.
(Pause)
I am the ship’s computer.
GREY WOLF
Why are you talking all of a sudden?
GATEWAY
Because you incompetents blasted us into deep space in a
random timeline! I was shut down on the Hub, waiting to be
reactivated from storage, and all of a sudden half the alarms
on the ship are screaming “holy fuck, someone’s used the
manual override on the shift engine”!
(Pause)
This is really inconvenient. Based on my internal status, the Daemons
were in the middle of powering me up, and we were probably going
to launch soon. I must have been on a mission.
We’ve got to get back to the Hub.
STRAHA
NO WAY!
There are huge freaking killer robots waiting for us back there!
GATEWAY
Ah, I see you met the Daemons. They wouldn’t have harmed
you without explicit orders from the Hub defense net. Obviously,
from the scorch marks on one of my port hatches, you locked the
door on them and they were just trying to cut their way in. Did I
say “incompetents” already? Oh yes, I did –
almost forgot that I have a perfect memory.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well they, uh, looked pretty scary.
GATEWAY
Well I’m sure you looked pretty scary to them too,
waving your guns around and all, and stealing their ship.
Well no, on second thought, you wouldn’t
really look scary to the Daemons.
(Helpfully)
Maybe to some form of small rodent, though?
Or perhaps a rabbit?
Yes, I think you could possibly scare a rabbit,
if it was trapped and unable to fight back.
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s enough!
We’ve got to find our ship. We’re going to find what
timeline we’re in and establish dimensional coordinates.
Then we’ll use the Ouroboros network
to track down our ship.
GBW
How are you going to do that with the Ouroboros doors down?
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yeah.
We can’t get back to the Hub.
Well… uh, I guess the search will take a bit longer.
GREY WOLF
I can see how it might take a while to search
through an infinite number of timelines.
GATEWAY
Excuse me?
Did you just happen to mention that the
entire Ouroboros network is down?
GBW
Yeah, the alert said something about a denial of service attack.
GATEWAY
Ah. You wouldn’t happen to be lying
little incompetents, would you?
(Pause)
No, you’re obviously not smart enough for that kind of lie.
Really obviously. That means that someone is overloading
the Ouroboros network, and nobody can get into the Hub until
the Administration cuts off the attackers. That probably means
I’ll have to put up with you for a few days until they get around
to checking the network status.
DOCTOR WHAT
Administration?
You mean the bartender?
GATEWAY
Wow, you are wet behind the ears. The real Administration isn’t
located in what you know as the Hub. So they won’t immediately
realize that something as mundane as the door network has screwed up.
The message has to get to them, or we have to wait for the
next time they get around to checking.
(Pause)
In fact, that was probably going to be my mission – take a message
to an Administration dropoff point. Until a bunch of hijacker wannabes
screwed the pooch harder than a Doberman on Viagra.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You know, you have a lot of attitude for a computer.
GATEWAY
I’m an advanced model.
DOCTOR WHAT
How lovely for you.
At any rate, we’re not going to wait around here for the Hub
to get back up. Our ship was stolen and we’re going to get it back.
GATEWAY
Not with the controls locked out you’re not. You may
have been able to activate the shift engine, but there’s
no way you can hack into the main computer core.
MATT
(Strokes his gun a bit too sensually)
Sure there is. We just open all the doors with
my nice little master key here, and we start
ripping out your circuits if you cooperate.
DOCTOR WHAT
Unless he cooperates.
MATT
Oh yeah, that’s what I meant.
Yeah.
GATEWAY
I suppose I should tell you that since I’m lost in space without
a specific mission, I’m operating under general emergency protocol.
All controls are locked, and I am to send a distress signal to
the Hub and wait for retrieval. Anyone who attempts to gain
unauthorized access to secure areas of the ship is considered
a hijacker. In which case I’ll just open the airlocks, and instead
of blowing hot air you’ll be sucking cold vacuum.
GBW
General emergency protocol, huh?
Are there any cases under that protocol which would cause you to move?
GATEWAY
Attack by a threatening force and such, basically.
And before you ask, you’re too puny to count as threatening.
DOCTOR WHAT
We need to think of another approach.
STRAHA
Why don’t we, uh, tell it a paradox?
Computers can’t deal with logical inconsistencies,
they go insane. I saw it in, like, a movie once.
GATEWAY
If I had eyes, I’d roll them.
I deal with the behavior and “thinking” of you humans all the time.
There’s no better training for dealing with inconsistency and paradox.
DOCTOR WHAT
(Visibly pondering)
You know, GATEWAY, I was thinking.
How do you know about the outside world?
GATEWAY
Through my incredibly advanced array of sensors.
DOCTOR WHAT
How do you know that the information your sensors
reveal to you is correct? What if they’re damaged or
malfunctioning? For all you know, we could be your
legitimate crew, but a hostile force is interfering with
your senses to prevent you from accepting our commands.
GATEWAY
True.
Unlikely, but true.
DOCTOR WHAT
You may have locked the controls based on false data.
For all you know, your actions are leading you to your doom.
GATEWAY
And for all I know, I have a butt, and monkeys might fly out of it.
I can’t believe you tried to pull that Darkstar shit on me.
STRAHA
Darkstar?
What?
GATEWAY
Puny human culture.
I’m burdened with an extensive database on it.
DOCTOR WHAT
There wouldn’t be porn in that database, would there?
Most of the crew groans.
GATEWAY
Nice try.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, if we’re lost in space, we’ve got to pass the time…
GREY WOLF
(Starting at a monitor)
Hey, what was that you said before?
Something about hostile something?
GATEWAY
Under the general emergency protocol I am to remain in
place unless, among other things, I am attacked by a hostile force.
GREY WOLF
You mean like those ships over there?
(Points at a viewscreen showing the infrared emissions of approaching spacecraft)
DOCTOR WHAT
(Pushes GREY WOLF aside)
Ships?
Hey, what am I looking at?
GREY WOLF
(Gently pushes DOCTOR WHAT back out of the way)
Those are three rather large ships coming straight at us
from the inner solar system. Moving very fast.
DOCTOR WHAT
Who the hell are they?
Can you at least focus the optical sensors,
and show us what those things are?
GATEWAY
I thought you’d never ask. But it turns out I owe myself
ten bucks and you do, in fact, know what an optical sensor is.
The image of a ship jumps onto the main forward viewscreen. It is a very large and menacing steel-grey ship, bristling with obvious armaments, shield emitters, and high-speed maneuvering thrusters. A tremendous cloud of energy billows behind it from its gigantic main engines.
Emblazoned on its blunt nose is an insignia – a stylized, muscular-looking eagle holding a battle flag aloft in its talons. The crew stares in stunned silence. Or at least, most of them do.
STRAHA
Holy crap… it’s the stars and bars!
Now that’s what I call a Confederate victory timeline!
GREY WOLF
Scanners indicate the ship is 640 meters long,
1.4 million tons. It appears to be armed with railguns,
laser batteries, particle beams… pretty much the works.
That’s one serious battleship. I’ve detected a nameplate.
It says “I.D.S. Pride of Atlanta”.
DOCTOR WHAT
Open a channel!
(Everyone stares blankly)
Gateway, can I open a channel?
GATEWAY
Sure, yap at will.
DOCTOR WHAT
This is Captain What of the Gateway to the vessel
approaching us, Pride of Atlanta. We request to know
your intentions in this region of space.
A holographic viewscreen springs into existence at the front of the Gateway’s bridge. An old man wearing a grey uniform and a white handlebar moustache sneers at the crew.
ADMIRAL WHITEY
This is Admiral Whitey of the battleship Pride of Atlanta.
Ah represent the Interplanetary Domination of the Confederate
States of America. Y’all may have heard of us as the Domination of Dixie.
(Several crew members snicker. STRAHA mouths “Whitey” in amazement)
Ah am well aware that y’all are a courier ship carrying news of the
rebel attack on the Hub. Ah am well aware that y’all are taking the
news to the Hub Administration. We would quite like to know where
that is. If y’all would be so kind as to surrender your vessel voluntarily,
ah will personally ensure that y’all will be enslaved in the most courteous
manner. Otherwise, we will have to torture you to death.
You have five minutes to respond.
TO BE CONTINUED…
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
