TEASER

INT. -AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR- DAY

We see MICHAEL walking along a corridor. He suddenly stops. We hear—coming from down the corridor—the sound of someone singing, very badly. MICHAEL walks down to an open doorway.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – QUARTERS – DAY

We see LANDSHARK wearing a sequined black leather jock strap—and nothing else. He’s singing into a hair brush. Behind him we see an open doorway. MICHAEL can be seen peeking in.

LANDSHARK
(singing)
When I’m with my guy and he watches all the pretty girls go by…
Well I feel so hurt deep inside, I wish that I could die!
Not a word do I say…
I just look the other way!
‘Cause that’s the way boys are!
That’s the way boys are!

INT. -SHIP CORRIDOR-DIFFERENT ANGLE- DAY

We see MICHAEL running down the corridor.

MICHAEL
(screaming)
Oh God! My eyes! MY EYES!

MICHAEL runs by a very confused looking MATT, who watches MICHAEL run off. MATT hears some sounds from the direction that MICHAEL came from and walks towards it.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – QUARTERS- DAY

We still see LANDSHARK singing into his hairbrush. MATT can be seen peeking in from the open doorway.

LANDSHARK
(singing)
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows
everything that’s wonderful is what I feel
when we’re together.
Brighter than a lucky penny.
When you’re here the raindrops disappears
dear and I feel so fine.
Just to know that you are mine.

INT. -SHIP CORRIDOR-DIFFERENT ANGLE- DAY

We see MATT running down the corridor.

MATT
(screaming)
Aaaaaaaaargggghhh!

MATT runs by a very confused looking HENDRYK, who watches MATT run off. HENDRYK hears some sounds from the direction that MATT came from and walks towards it.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – QUARTERS- DAY

We see LANDSHARK once again singing into his hairbrush. HENDRYK can be seen peeking in from the open doorway.

LANDSHARK
(singing)
You don’t own me, I’m not just one of your many toys
You don’t own me, don’t say I can’t go with other boys
And don’t tell me what to do
And don’t tell me what to say
And please when i go out with you
Don’t put me on display, ’cause
You don’t own me, don’t try to change me in any way

INT. -SHIP CORRIDOR-DIFFERENT ANGLE- DAY

.We see HENDRYK slowly walking down the corridor. He has a stunned look in his eyes and is carrying his Chinese Mauser.

HENDRYK
(putting gun to side of head)
(quiet voice)
The horror…the horror…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – QUARTERS- DAY

We see LANDSHARK still singing into his hairbrush. He looks furtively to his side. We notice a nervous quaver in his voice.

LANDSHARK
(singing)
A-a-a-nd don’t tell me what to do
Oh-h-h-h don’t tell me what to say
and please, when I go out with you
Don’t put me on display
I don’t tell you what to say
Oh-h-h-h don’t tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That’s all I ask of you
I’m young and I love to be young

Camera slowly pans over to the side. We see IRONYUPPIE lounging in a comfortable chair. She’s wearing a dominatrix costume and carrying a very large whip in one hand. She has an angry expression on her face.

IRONYUPPIE
The last of the Nutella is ALWAYS for me!

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE RETURN OF THE KING”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – PLANET ORBIT- DAY

We see the ah.com ship in orbit around the Earth.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, KITJED, DAVE HOWERY, DIAMOND and LANDSHARK sitting around the table. A large holographic image of the Earth appears floating over the table.

DOCTOR WHAT
What have you got for us, LEO?

LEO
Initial scans indicate some truly bizarre findings.

DOCTOR WHAT
Like….?

LEO
For starters—there appears to be a 500 foot
high pyramid just outside Atlanta, Georgia.

DIAMOND
Say what?!

DAVE HOWERY
What is this—some kind of Aztec
takes over the Americas timeline?

LEO
Negative. The pyramid is clearly Egyptian in design.
Judging by what I can detect of the architectural, cultural
and geo-political elements of this world, preliminary
analysis indicates that this world’s
POD occurred in the last 15 to 30 years.

DOCTOR WHAT
Can you narrow down the POD?

LEO
Not without additional information.

MATT
(scratching his chin)
What kind of POD creates the building of a 500 foot high
pyramid in the latter half of the 20th century—in Atlanta?

DIAMOND
Maybe they elected one of the Bangles as President?

LANDSHARK
(confused)
The who?

DIAMOND
Nah—then it would be a giant concrete
pillar with urine stains on it.

LANDSHARK
(even more confused)
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes?

DIAMOND
Nah—then it would be some
weird psychedelic landscape

LANDSHARK
(getting more angry and confused)
What?!

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

DIAMOND
Never heard of those guys…

LANDSHARK
(even more angry and confused)
What?!?

DOCTOR WHAT
(sudden realization)
Ah-ha!

DIAMOND
Nah—then that would be a giant mirror…

LANDSHARK
(screaming at the top of his lungs)
WHAT?!?

Sudden silence as everyone stares at LANDSHARK in shock.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dude—I’m standing right in
front of you—no need to yell.
(rolling eyes)
Yeesh!
(looking back up at ceiling)
LEO—have you found anything else for us?

LEO
Yes—something truly bizarre.

DOCTOR WHAT
More bizarre than a 500 foot high
Egyptian pyramid in the southern U.S.?

LEO
Yes. The population of this
world is approximately 2 billion.
(beat)
And virtually every single person
on Earth is over the age of 65.

Long pause from the ah.commers

DAVE HOWERY
Uh—LEO—run that by us again.

LEO
Every single person on this world is a senior citizen.
I am detecting few, if any, individuals under that age.

Another long pause.

MATT
So no hot chicks?

LEO
I’m afraid not….

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO—prepare a shuttle—we
are definitely checking this one out.

Entire Control Room crew get up and walk out exit.

MATT (o.v.)
But there’s no hot chicks!
And it probably smells of old people…

EXT. – EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE – DAY

We see the shuttle ‘C.C. Rider’ flying over the ocean.

INT. -SHUTTLE- DAY

We see LANDSHARK at the controls with MATT sitting next to him. DOCTOR WHAT and DIAMOND are behind them. KITJED and DAVE HOWERY are at the rear of the shuttle.

DOCTOR WHAT
(speaking into comm. unit)
Anything else you’ve discovered, LEO?

LEO (o.v.)
Still analysing data, Doc but there’s some rather
anomalous energy readings coming from the
vicinity of the pyramid. I am unable to explain
them. I recommend that you and the landing
party proceed with extreme caution.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh please–aren’t we always careful about what we
do and how we interact with the locals, LEO?

Long pause from LEO.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO? Hello? LEO—you still there?

LEO
Ummmm…
(beat)
Nevertheless—please proceed with caution.

DOCTOR WHAT
Will do. Anything else, LEO?

LEO
I will inform you of any additional findings.

DOCTOR WHAT
By the way LEO—what’s the status of
the teleporter? Did G.BONE fix it yet?

INT. –AH. COM SHIP-TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM- DAY

We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN walk into the teleportation tube room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(looks around room)
G.BONE? You here, dude?
Why did you call me down?

He spots-lying on the teleporter pad-a DVD case. Written in extremely large letters on it are the words ‘ALYSON HANNIGAN HOME PORN TAPE’. In smaller letters are the words ‘Doc’s Secret Stash—touch this and you die!’

PSYCHOMELTDOWN leaps onto the pad.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(drooling)
Oh sweet, sweet Alyson!
(clutches DVD to chest)

G.BONE (o.v.)
A-HA!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN looks up to see G.BONE jump out of a small closet and rush to the controls of the teleporter.

G.BONE
I finally fixed the damn teleporter but nobody wants to
volunteer to test it! For some reason they don’t trust me!
They think I’m incompetent! Ha! I’ll show them how
much of an ace teleporter engineer I am!
I’ll finally get the respect I deserve!
(presses a few buttons)
Thanks for volunteering, Psycho!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN disappears with a flash of light and a small popping sound. G.BONE presses a few more buttons. Nothing happens.

G.BONE—with a look of extreme confusion on his face—walks to the teleporter pad. He looks up to see a small fly buzzing around.

FLY
(with Psychomeltdnwn’s voice but high-pitched)
….help me….help me…

G.BONE stands there staring at the fly. We notice a large shape suddenly appear with a loud pop behind him. A very large FLY CLAW taps G.BONE on the shoulder. G.BONE turns around.

CLOSE-UP—G.BONE’S FACE

G.BONE
Gaaaaa-aaaaaaaa….

INT. -SHUTTLE- DAY

LEO (o.v.)
(cont.)
He said something about there being a few bugs in it.

EXT. – OUTSKIRTS OF ATLANTA – DAY

We see the 500 foot high pyramid in the background. It’s covered with a layer of black marble, making the sides of the pyramid almost mirror smooth. We see the ah.commers near the foreground.

DOCTOR WHAT
A BLACK pyramid?

KITJED
That’s really weird—the
Egyptians used white marble.

MATT
They did? How do you know that?

KITJED
LEO told me. He’s been
teaching me ancient history.

DAVE HOWERY
Since when are you
interested in ancient history?

KITJED
(offended voice)
I’ll have you know that I have had a deep and
abiding interest in history since I was a teenager!
I have read all kinds of books on ancient cultures!

LANDSHARK
So—all those coffee table books of semi-naked oiled up men
in compromising poses that you leave all over the place are…?

KITJED
Research material!

DOCTOR WHAT
People! Can we get back to the subject on hand here please!

LANDSHARK
His hand IS the subject actually…

KITJED
Hey! I resent that!

LANDSHARK
Is it true?

KITJED
Well, yes—it’s true! But I still resent it…

The ah.commers walk towards the pyramid. DOCTOR WHAT has a scanning device in his hands. After a few seconds, he points in a direction and the whole crew walk off.

EXT. – PYRAMID-A FEW MINUTES LATER- DAY

We see the ah.commers about 100 yards or so away from the pyramid. An entrance to the pyramid can be clearly seen up ahead. DOCTOR WHAT is still looking at his scanner.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s weird…

KITJED
What is?

DOCTOR WHAT
Detecting a massive energy surge.

DAVE HOWERY
Directed where?

DOCTOR WHAT
Directed everywhere as near as I can figure…

At that moment, the entire massive black pyramid suddenly glows an incandescent blue color. The ah.commers—and the entire area—are bathed in bright blue light for several seconds before the light fades away as quickly as it appeared.

MATT
What the hell was that!?!

DOCTOR WHAT
Massive energy surge! Right off the charts!
Damn thing practically broke the needle!
Never seen this kind of energy before…

DAVE HOWERY
I strongly suggest that we get the hell out of…of…of…
(suddenly collapses face down)

DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE!

DOCTOR WHAT reaches DAVE’s side first and rolls him over onto his back. The ah.commers suddenly let out a collective gasp of shock.

CLOSE-UP—DAVE HOWERY’S FACE

We see DAVE HOWERY’s face—but it’s been aged at least 20 years.

MATT
What the hell…

Suddenly LANDSHARK, DIAMOND and DOCTOR WHAT all scream and collapse as well.

KITJED and MATT leap to their comrades’ sides and notice that the same thing that has afflicted HOWERY has afflicted them as well—all of them have suddenly aged 20 years. KITJED suddenly screams and collapses. MATT has just enough time to look at KITJED before he screams and collapses as well.

All of the ah.commers suddenly start convulsing. A small blue ‘ball of light’ suddenly appears hovering over each of their bodies for a few seconds—and then shoots towards the pyramid at high speed, disappearing through the entrance. They stop convulsing.

CLOSE-UP MATT: We see MATT barely conscious. He hears a sound and turns to face it.

MATT POV: We see—off in the distance—several elderly people being led by a very old but surprisingly energetic black man running towards the ah.commers. The old black man reaches MATT.

OLD BLACK MAN
(looking down at us)
Hang on, boy—we’re here to help…

MATT passes out—and the screen goes black.

INT. – LARGE HOSPITAL-LIKE ROOM – DAY

We see the ah.commers lying in beds. All of them start slowly waking up. They see each other’s changed appearances for the first time. Before they can do more than give ‘wtf’ looks at one another, the elderly black man we saw before (with several other elderly people) walk into the room.

OLD BLACK MAN
How are we doing?

DOCTOR WHAT
We are fine for the moment but we have…

OLD BLACK MAN
…lots and lots of questions, right?

The ah.commers nod.

OLD BLACK MAN
Well-I’ve got a lot of questions to
ask you as well. Let me start first
(takes a deep breath)
Do you boys have shit for brains or what?!
Where the hell did you get the stupid
idea to go towards the Pyramid?

DOCTOR WHAT
We didn’t know of the dangers.

OLD BLACK MAN
(completely flabbergasted)
Didn’t know? Didn’t know?! DIDN’T KNOW?!
Have you idiots been on another
planet or something all this time?!

DOCTOR WHAT
Um…actually…that’s not far from the truth…

OLD BLACK MAN
Huh?

DOCTOR WHAT
(pulling out his comm. unit)
But first let me contact my ship…
(talking into comm. unit)
AH.Com ship? Come in please…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

Montage of different sections of the ship. We see no movement at all. We shift to the Medical Bay—and we spot many members of the crew (GREY WOLF, IRONYUPPIE, THANDE, etc) all passed out and lying on beds—and every one of them is at least 20 years older…

We see LEO in his robot body attending to the crew. He hits a switch on a nearby wall.

INT – LARGE HOSPITAL-LIKE ROOM- DAY

LEO (o.v.)
DOCTOR WHAT! Something terrible has happened to the
entire crew! The ship got hit by a massive energy pulse
and then every single one of suddenly passed out
and started aging rapidly!

DOCTOR WHAT
Same thing happened to us, LEO.
How are they?

LEO (o.v.)
Alright for the most part—but the sudden aging
has been a terrible shock to their systems. I have
them sedated while I attempt to analyze what happened.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think we’re about to find out what’s going on here,
LEO. Is there anything you can do to help them?

LEO (o.v.)
Negative. But I can tell you this—if we get hit by
another pulse, we’ll start losing some of the crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
Understood LEO. Do your best.
(turns comm. unit off)

OLD BLACK MAN
I’m still waiting for an explanation….

DOCTOR WHAT exchanges a glance with the rest of the ah.commers. They shrug their shoulders.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s like this…

SOME TIME LATER

We see the OLD BLACK MAN staring at the ah.commers.

OLD BLACK MAN
(staring at DOCTOR WHAT)
Boy—that is the biggest pile of
horseshit I’ve ever heard in my life.
(beat)
But I believe you. Heh—after what’s happened here,
travellers from a parallel universe
visiting us sounds almost normal.

DOCTOR WHAT
So what has happened here?

OLD BLACK MAN
Started back in 1985. Some archaeologists discovered a
tomb of a high priest—Manetho. Buried undisturbed for
over 4000 years. Legend had it that he was one bad-ass
bastard of a priest. Tried to take over the kingdom using
black magic—and that he was buried alive for his crimes.
They dug him up and brought him back to the States.
Something went wrong and…well…he came back from the dead.

MATT
Say what?

OLD BLACK MAN
Yup. Turns out all the stories about him were true—had all
kinds of supernatural powers. He went medieval on the team
of scientists working on his tomb then turned his attention to
the rest of the city. It took a day or two before people started
figuring out what was happening but by then it was too late.
His powers were growing with every hour and by the time the
rest of the world figured out what was happening he had become
this super powerful undead magic using mummy. He used his
magic on the world and…well…things fell apart real fast after that.

DOCTOR WHAT
But the ageing…?

OLD BLACK MAN
Yeah—well—you see—the thing is that’s the source of his powers.
He’s able to suck in the youth of those around him and that keeps
him going and keeps him powered up. The more youth he sucks in
from everyone, the more powerful he gets. Those first few days were
the worst—first he aged the population of the entire city, then the
entire state, then the whole country and finally—on May 8, 1985—
the entire world. Two days later that damn pyramid suddenly appeared
out of nowhere. It’s been there ever since.

DOCTOR WHAT
And yet—you people still stay here?

OLD BLACK MAN
This is our home and nobody is going to kick me out of it—
especially no fancy ass 4000 year old freak with crazy
voodoo powers! He wants me to leave—he’s going
to have to personally kick me out here!

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah—I see. Where exactly are we, anyway?

OLD BLACK MAN
Happy Haven Rest Home.
(points to several of his comrades)
We’re pretty much all that’s left of the original residents.
Most of the workers took off after the first few days. We
eke out an existence growing backyard crops
and having a few animals around.

MATT
Hang on—doesn’t the ageing
thing affect you people?

OLD BLACK MAN
We ain’t young anymore boy! I’m almost 90 years old myself.
I was already old when all this started! Only so much youth
can be sucked out of us before we’re no good to him! He sucks
a few days worth of life from everyone in the world every now
and then to keep him juiced up. You younguns must have been
like a good juicy steak dinner to him after all the crumbs he’s
been feeding on.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well—in any case—thanks for saving our asses
back there. By the way—what’s your name?

OLD BLACK MAN
President John F. Kennedy.

Long pause from the ah.commers.

DAVE HOWERY
Ummmm…I’m not sure how to tell
you this but you’re…uh…ummm…

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
An old black man? Of course
I know that! They did this to me!

DOCTOR WHAT
They?

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
The CIA! I knew too much so they faked my death in
Dallas and implanted my brain in the body of an old
black man to shut me up! They thought that it will drive
me insane but I showed them—I’m perfectly normal
and in charge of all my faculties!

Another long pause.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ooooooo-kay….

MATT
Mmmmmmm…that’s very…uh… interesting…

LANDSHARK
(sotto voice)
Damn colonials…never should have allowed them to get their own country…

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
You boys are welcome to stay here as long as you want—
but I have to warn you—don’t get any funny ideas about
taking on Manetho yourself. Many of tried—none of survived.

One of the old men next to PRESIDENT KENNEDY turns to him.

OLD MAN
But Sir—what about the Prophecy?

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
(rolling eyes)
Oh SionEwig! You and your damn prophecies!

DOCTOR WHAT
Prophecy?

SIONEWIG
The travelers from the Beyond will come.
They will free the King in White from his Frozen Prison.
The King will travel to his Graceful Home.
Using the power of tone, he will banish Manetho forevermore.

DOCTOR WHAT
Interesting…but what does it mean?

SIONEWIG
I haven’t the faintest idea.

DOCTOR WHAT
Anybody know where we
can find this ‘King in White’?

LANDSHARK
Are you completely out of your oxygen deprived brain?
You believe this prophecy stuff?

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey—it’s our only lead at the moment. You want
to stay as a decrepit 50 year old guy?

LANDSHARK
Good point…

DAVE HOWERY
Hey! I’m almost 50!

LANDSHARK
Now I’m really convinced we should do something….

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
You boys are completely loony
to even be considering this!

SIONEWIG
Me and my friend NORBERT have been thinking
about this for nearly 20 years and we think we have
a good idea. I can show you on a map where we think he is.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great. We’ll will take the shuttle and see
if we can find this ‘King in White’
(beat)
But first—I really need to take a nap….

General chorus of ‘Oh yeah’, ‘Same here’, ‘My back is freaking killing me’, and ’I really have to pee’ come from the ah.commers.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – ABANDONED DESERT MILITARY BASE – NIGHT

We see a huge fenced in military base. It’s obvious – judging from the decrepit nature of the base – that it has been abandoned for quite some time. We see a large rusty sign on the fence –

AREA 51
WARNING
NO TRESPASSING
BEYOND THIS POINT
TOP SECRET RESEARCH FACILITY
USE OF DEADLY FORCE IS AUTHORIZED

We see a shuttle fly over the fence at high speed, knocking down a chunk of the fence with the shock wave of its passing. It lands on an airfield deep within the base.

We see the ah.commers come out of the shuttle.

LANDSHARK
Remind me again why we’re here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Two deranged and possibly senile senior citizens by the names
of SIONEWIG and NORBERT have spent the last 20 years
analyzing a prophecy they found in the lost manuscripts of
Nostradamus. It is their contention that we are the individuals
that are written about in the prophecy and that we are on a mission
to release a frozen King in White. Furthermore, using files that
they have acquired from a 90 year old black man who claims to
have the brain of John F. Kennedy implanted into his head, they
have ascertained that the King in White was, in fact, an individual
who was kidnapped by the CIA almost 30 years ago and was sent
to a top secret military base for study. In addition, they believe that
this King is still alive and, using his semi-divine powers, we will be
able to use him to overthrow a 4000 year old mummy that has been
sucking the lifeforce from this planet’s people for the last 20 years.

LANDSHARK
And you don’t find any of that the least bit unlikely?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well—to be honest—I’m a little dubious
about the claims from that black man.

LANDSHARK
Oh thank God…

DOCTOR WHAT
No fucking way he’s only 90 years old—
he looks at least 100 to me….

LANDSHARK buries his head in his hands.

LANDSHARK
(sotto voice)
We are SO going to die….

MATT kicks open the entrance into a building.

MATT
Less chit-chat! More walking!

The ah.commers walk into the building.

MATT
(groaning)
Man, I’ll be feeling that in the morning…

INT. -DARK CORRIDOR – NIGHT

We see a long corridor with a broken elevator at the far end. Dust and debris of all kinds litter the floor. A sign nearby says ‘Black Mesa Level—Cryogenics Division’. The elevator doors suddenly explode—blowing dust, flames and debris towards the camera. We see nothing but smoke for a few seconds. Then—coming out of the smoke cloud—we see MATT and DIAMOND on point. A few seconds later DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY and LANDSHARK walk in, with KITJED bringing up the rear.

DAVE HOWERY
(turning to DOCTOR WHAT)
(sotto voice)
Look—I wouldn’t mind him insisting on taking
the rear all the time, but does he have to make comments?

KITJED
(shouting from behind)
Hey DAVE-you’ve been hitting the donuts a little
hard there lately—your butt has grown a full inch!
You better start going to the gym soon…

DAVE HOWERY
Does he have to hurt my feelings so much?!
(starts sobbing)

MATT kicks open a door and all the ah.commers walk into a huge dark laboratory like room. We see—along one end of the room—a collection of huge glass tubes. MATT starts walking by the glass tubes with a flashlight, reading out loud the labels on the tubes.

MATT
(reading)
Captain Briggs of the Mary Celeste…Captain Worley of
the USS Cyclops…Ambrose Bierce…Judge Crater…
Amelia Earhart… Glenn Miller…D.B. Cooper…
Percy Fawcett…Harold Holt…Jimmy Hoffa…
ah!…here we are!…

The ah.commers gather around one tube. We see in the frost rimmed tube an overweight man in his 40’s. He’s wearing sunglasses and a white jumpsuit. He’s holding a sandwich in his right hand.

LANDSHARK
(sarcastic voice)
The King in White? Yeesh…

DIAMOND
You have to admit—it’s appropriate.

KITJED
But really—white? It’s so…passé
(rolls eyes)

DAVE HOWERY
Hey—no mocking the King…

MATT
How do we get him out?

DOCTOR WHAT
(pulling out comm. unit)
By asking the expert…

INT. – LAB – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT listening in to LEO on an earplug. He’s nodding his head every now and then as he tries to follow LEO’s words. We can’t hear LEO’s instructions very well and all it sounds like to us is distant mumbling.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh-huh…uh-huh…ok….ok…I see…
hmmmm….hmmmm…ok…uh-huh….
huh….ok…uh-huh…
(beat)
(dubious tone of voice)
And that will work?
(more mumbling from LEO)
(reluctant voice)
O-kay….I’ll give it a shot…

DOCTOR WHAT stares intently at the Cryo unit lock for a few seconds. Then he lets out a blood-curding scream and kicks the lock open. The door swings open, enveloping the entire area in cold mist for a few seconds.

DOCTOR WHAT
(clutching his leg)
Ow…I think I’m going to need a new hip…

We see the ‘king in white’ blink his eyes for a few seconds then open them.

THE KING
Hey—you’re not the Colonel…

MATT
No buddy—we’re not.

THE KING
So where am I? What’s going on?

DOCTOR WHAT
We got something really important to tell you…

A FEW MINUTES LATER

THE KING
Every time I think that I’m getting old, and gradually
going to the grave, something else happens…
(beat)
Damn…almost 30 years…
(shakes head)

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry to be a pain but we have work
to do and not much time to do it…

THE KING
Damn straight! I have to save the world! But wait—
we need to go back to my place and get my guitar…

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? Why can’t you use any old guitar?

THE KING
It’s got to be my guitar, boy—my special one.
Did my best work on that one and we’re going
to need all the luck we can get, right?

LANDSHARK
Damn—I hate it when these
Yanks get all logical on us…

KITJED
It was bound to happen sooner or later.

LANDSHARK
Not on my watch, damn it!

The ah.commers leave the lab, bringing THE KING with them.

DOCTOR WHAT (o.v.)
Oh man—my hip is really killing me…

DIAMOND (o.v.)
My stomach is acting weird, too. Damn irregularity…

DOCTOR WHAT (o.v.)
You really should stop eating all
that red meat and get more fibre…

LANDSHARK (o.v.)
Damn arthritis is interfering with my ability to bash
the lot of you over the heads with a cricket bat…

MATT (o.v.)
I heard growing old makes people irritable…

LANDSHARK (o.v.)
I am NOT growing old, damn it! Once we get to
the shuttle I’m going to kick you in the shins…

KITJED (o.v.)
Good thing we still have use of all our senses, though…

DAVE HOWERY (o.v.)
WHAT? Stop mumbling and speak up!

EXT.-MEMPHIS, TENNESEE-SUNRISE

We see the shuttle land outside the gates of a huge mansion. Like Atlanta, much of the city has been abandoned and we see a handful of elderly individuals looking up confusedly at the shuttle as it comes down for a landing. We see a sign nearby. It’s been partially damaged by the elements so all it says is: WELCOME TO GRACE

The ah.commers come out and look at the mansion.

KITJED
Man—talk about a monument to tackiness…

DAVE HOWERY
For the last time—no dissing the King!

The KING looks at the mansion.

THE KING
They turned the place into a tourist trap? Eh—
could be worse—there could be chapels just
down the street where the preacher is dressed up like me….

MATT
Um…actually…..

DOCTOR WHAT
(quickly)
Moving ahead!

INT. MANSION-MORNING

We see THE KING, followed closely by the ah.commers, rush up the stairway.

MATT
Where are we going?

THE KING
My old bedroom—I hope she’s still up there…

INT. – GRAND BEDROOM- DAY

We see a very large disused bedroom. There is a guitar stand in the corner. On it is a white rhinestone studded guitar.

THE KING
Gladys!
(grabs guitar off stand)

THE KING holds the guitar in his hands. He almost looks like he’s getting ready to play it. He stares at the guitar for a long moment. Finally he looks back at the ah.commers.

THE KING
Let’s take care of business.

EXT.-HAPPY HAVEN REST HOME-ATLANTA, GEORGIA-MORNING

We see the shuttle land outside the Home. PRESIDENT KENNEDY and a few other residents are standing there. The ah.commers come out first, followed by THE KING.

SIONEWIG and NORBERT stare open-jawed at this and fall to their knees.

SIONEWIG/NORBERT
(together)
The Return of the King!
The Messiah has returned!

THE KING
(angry)
I am NOT the Messiah,
do you understand?

SIONEWIG
Only the true Messiah denies His divinity!

THE KING
What?! What kind of logic is that? Fine,
you loonies! All right! I am the Messiah!

NORBERT
He is! He is the Messiah!

THE KING
Now, fuck off!!

Silence from SIONEWIG and NORBERT for several seconds.

SIONEWIG
How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

PRESIDENT KENNEDY steps forward and shakes hands with THE KING.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
I have to admit that I didn’t believe these boys can do
it but I’m glad they did. Now let’s get that mummy!

THE KING
Right after I’ve had a few peanut butter
and ‘nanner sandwiches, sir….

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
Ain’t been no bananas here for nearly twenty years…

THE KING
WHAT?!
(faces in the direction of the Pyramid)
(shakes fist)
Alright Manetho, you son of a bitch!
You’re going down motherfucker!!

EXT.-BLACK PYRAMID-MORNING

We see the ah.commers and THE KING marching towards the opening of the pyramid. All of the ah.commers are carrying BFG while THE KING is carrying his guitar. They stop walking for a moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ready everyone?

DIAMOND
Ready as I’ll ever be.

MATT
Locked and loaded.

LANDSHARK
Got these terrible pains in the joints
up along the left side of my body

KITJED
Hey—anything to get back my good looks—
I look hideous with all this gray hair.

DAVE HOWERY
(holding hand over ear)
What?!

THE KING
Man—I so could go for a bucket of fried chicken
and a peanut butter and ‘nanner sandwich right now…

DOCTOR WHAT
Onwards!

They rush into the open entrance.

INT. – CORRIDOR- DAY

SOME TIME LATER

We see the ah.commers walking along a darkened corridor. MATT suddenly motions for everyone to stop.

DOCTOR WHAT
(whispering)
What’s up?

MATT
(whispering)
I was hearing this weird creaking
sound but now it’s stopped.

They keep walking. MATT motions them to stop again.

MATT
There it was again! But now it’s
stopped again! What WAS that?

DAVE HOWERY
(embarrassed)
Uh—that was us actually…

DIAMOND
(embarrassed)
Yeah—those joints are really out of shape…

LANDSHARK
(contemplatively)
You know—you can actually tell which limb
is moving by the sounds they make…

DOCTOR WHAT
(cheerfully)
Look at the bright side—we can all get jobs as
exotic dancers for the blind if this doesn’t work…

MATT starts rubbing his temples and mutters under his breath

MATT
(sotto)
Maybe I’ll get lucky and die in bed having sex with
triplets on my 40th birthday and avoid all this growing old crap…

Loud growls comes from up ahead. The ah.commers see over a dozen half jackal/half human creatures coming at them.

MATT
Oh thank God, we’re under attack….

A FEW MINUTES LATER

We see the ah.commers pinned down near an intersection of a corridor. Every few seconds, one or two ah.commers poke their heads out around the corner and let loose a barrage of gunfire from their BFGs. We see several dead half jackal/half human creatures lying in the corridor but there’s still at least seven or eight of the creatures still alive. It appears to be a stand-off—neither side can move more than a few feet closer without being attacked.

MATT
Damn it! There’s got to be another
way into the pyramid!

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at scanner)
Nope—that’s the only way in! I can’t believe this—
we’re so close–there’s some kind of big chamber
less than 100 feet directly beneath us! If only
there was some way to…go…through…all…

DOCTOR WHAT/MATT
(looking at each other)
(simultaneously)
The teleporter!

DOCTOR WHAT pulls out his comm. unit.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO! What’s the status on the teleporter?!

LEO (o.v.)
I’ve managed to make some partial repairs to the
teleporter but I’m not sure about its safety!

MATT
(screaming into comm.)
Fuck the safety features—get us
into the main chamber beneath us!

LEO (o.v.)
That’s just it! I can teleport two of you into the chamber
with a high degree of safety but no more than that! And
the repairs will hold for just one—MAYBE two—transports!

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you telling us that even if you managed to teleport
two people in there, you might not be able to teleport them out!

LEO (o.v.)
Correct.
(beat)
There’s one more thing—I’m detecting an energy surge
in the pyramid. I believe that in less than 5 minutes the
pyramid will be using its ageing powers again.

DOCTOR WHAT
What are our chances of surviving another blast?

LEO (o.v.)
I predict that half of the crew on board the ah.com ship and,
with the exceptions of MATT and maybe KITJED, the
entire landing party will not survive the blast.

DOCTOR WHAT and MATT exchange a glance. MATT nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO—prepare to transport MATT and
THE KING into the chamber!

DOCTOR WHAT throws MATT the comm. unit.

DOCTOR WHAT
Godspeed, MATT.

MATT
(yelling into comm. unit)
Teleport us now!

MATT and THE KING disappear in a bright flash of light.

DOCTOR WHAT
(turning to rest of the ah.commers)
New plan guys! We are doing a strategic withdrawal
of our resources in an accelerated time frame!

LANDSHARK
Huh?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re running away like scared bunny rabbits!

LANDSHARK
It’s what we do best…

The ah.commers fire one last burst of gunfire at the jackal creatures and run away. The jackal creatures give chase.

INT. LARGE UNDERGROUND CHAMBER – DAY

We see what appears to be the Throne Room of the pyramid. Sitting on the throne is a tall and powerful looking mummy. This is the HIGH PRIEST MANETHO.

The walls are pulsing with a blue light in a rhythmic fashion. The rhythm is almost like that of a heartbeat. We notice that the rhythm is slowly speeding up. We see off to one side a corridor leading up.

MATT and THE KING appear in a flash of light in the center of the chamber. MATT drops down to one knee and fires a barrage of gunfire at MANETHO.

The gunfire has no effect.

MANETHO laughs and fires a blast of blue light from his hands at THE KING. MATT pushes THE KING out of the way at the last instant and is hit by the blast instead. MATT screams and collapses.

CLOSE-UP MATT: We see MATT aging rapidly. He now appears to be in his 50’s.

THE KING
Alright you! You’re going down, you bastard!

MANETHO fires another blast of blue light. THE KING ducks out of the way.

THE KING
Ha! Missed me!

MANETHO fires another blast. THE KING does an impressive twist at the last second and the blast misses him again.

THE KING
I have a black belt in karate, you undead sack of shit!

THE KING looks over at MATT. He’s still ageing and now looks like he’s in his 60’s.

MANETHO lets loose a scream that echoes around the chamber and fires yet another blast. THE KING lifts up his guitar at the last instant and the blast reflects off the white guitar and back at MANETHO.

MANETHO is enveloped by his own blast for a few seconds and then collapses to his knees. He looks stunned.

THE KING
Now it’s my turn!
(holds guitar)
Now this little ditty used to kill them
every time back at the Hilton.
(starts playing guitar)
I’m gonna keep on the run
I’m gonna have me some fun
If it costs me my very last dime
If I wind up broke up well
I’ll always remember that I had a swingin’ time
I’m gonna give it everything I’ve got
Lady luck please let the dice stay hot
Let me shout a seven with every shot
Viva Las Vegas!
Viva Las Vegas!
Viva!
Viva!
Las Vegas!
(does one final power chord on his guitar)

MANETHO screams one long horribly drawn out scream and suddenly explodes—sending dust in every direction!

The pyramid suddenly starts to shake.

THE KING rushes to MATT’s side. We see that MATT is now in his 80’s and still ageing. The comm. unit crackles to life. We hear LEO’s voice.

COMM UNIT
MATT! I’m not sure what just happened but I’m detecting
a massive overload of energy building up in there! I estimate
you have less than two minutes before the entire pyramid
explodes! The teleporters are offline! You have to make a
run for it! Can you read me MATT?!

MATT
(barely able to speak)
Leave me….behind…save yourself….

THE KING
Nothing doing boy! I was in the service
too and the one thing I learned is –
(picks up MATT and throws him over his shoulder)
–you never leave a soldier behind!

THE KING runs up the corridor, carrying MATT. Behind him, we see the Throne Room start to collapse.

EXT.-PYRAMID- DAY

We see the rest of the ah.commers standing several hundred feet away from the pyramid. The pyramid itself is flashing a blindingly bright blue light. We hear very loud rumbling sounds coming from it. Suddenly—we see THE KING (carrying MATT) rush out of the entrance.

DIAMOND
(shouting)
The KING has left the building!

We see DOCTOR WHAT looking at his scanner and let out a yell.

DOCTOR WHAT
Everyone down!!

All of the ah.commers hit the dirt as the pyramid suddenly explodes, sending debris in every direction. We see a phenomenally bright blue laser beam shoot upwards from the pyramid top and up into the sky.

We see six blue balls of light come streaking down and hit the ah.commers. They start screaming and convulsing. After a few seconds, they stop convulsing—and we notice them slowly de-ageing back towards their normal age.

CLOSE-UP BRIGHT BLUE LASER BEAM SHOOTING UPWARDS: We notice that the laser beam is not a solid beam of light but, rather, appears to be made out of millions upon millions of the small blue balls of light we saw earlier. We see thousands of the balls streak away from the main beam every second we view it.

MONTAGE—DIFFERENT CITIES

We see scenes from many cities—Paris, London, Rome, Moscow, Cairo, New York, Beijing, etc – as the blue balls of light streak down from the sky and impact on numerous elderly people. All of them collapse and start convulsing—and slowly start de-ageing…

CLOSE-UP BRIGHT BLUE LASER BEAM IN SPACE: We are in high Earth orbit. We see various satellites flying by—and the AH.COM ship slowly drifts into view. The blue beam is almost completely dissipated at this point and we see the last dozen or so blue balls of light streak through the hull of the ship.

INT. -AH.COM MED BAY- DAY

We see the ah.commers lying on the beds slowly begin to de-age….

EXT. – PYRAMID- DAY

We see what’s left of the pyramid slowly collapse inwards. A massive cloud of dust drifts away from the ruins.

We see the ah.commers—all back to their normal age—staring at the pyramid. MATT is grinning like the Cheshire cat and turns towards THE KING

MATT
That was the coolest fight EVER!!

THE KING
Thank you. Thank you very much.

THE KING starts walking away.

MATT
Hey—where are you going?

THE KING
I’ve been away from my people for far too long.
I’ve lost touch with myself and my place in the
world. It’s time that I reconnect with them. With the world.

MATT
What? How?

THE KING
I’ll just walk the earth.

MATT
What’cha mean walk the earth?

THE KING
You know, walk the earth, meet people,
get into adventures. Like Caine from “Kung Fu.”

THE KING keeps walking away until he gets to the top of a nearby ridge. He stops and turns around and faces MATT.

THE KING
You only pass through this life once, MATT;
you don’t come back for an encore. Remember that, boy.

THE KING turns around and disappears over the ridge.

EXT. – HAPPY HAVEN HOME- DAY

We see the shuttle getting ready for take-off. LANDSHARK is standing at the entrance of the shuttle yelling at MATT, who’s standing some distance away.

LANDSHARK
Get your arse in here!

MATT puts on his helmet and runs towards the shuttle when he suddenly stops and turns around and runs towards PRESIDENT KENNEDY.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
I told you already boy—we’re all going to be okay!
Those damn younguns are already running around
trying to organise and do all kinds of shit! Life should
be slowly going back to normal soon…

MATT
It’s not that sir! I just wanted to tell you that—even though
the rest of the gang may not completely believe you–I do!
I just wanted you to know that—Mr. President.
(salutes)

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
(salutes back)
Thanks boy—that means a lot.

MATT
One last thing, sir…uh…
(becomes very uncomfortable)
I know all about the stories about you and
Marilyn Monroe. I have to know—
how was she like in bed?

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
(stern voice)
That’s classified, boy.

MATT
(coming to attention)
Understood sir. Meant no disrespect.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY
(looks furtively around)
But just between you and me…
(pumps fist in air)
WHOOOO-EEE!!

MATT breaks out into a grin and runs back to the shuttle.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

We hear the voice of LEO.

LEO
AH.COM ship’s A.I. LEO’s personal log. The recent
brush with mortality that the crew experienced has
appeared to have had some positive effects ironically.
The crew seems to have a renewed sense of hope. Old
animosities seem to have been put aside for the moment…

We see OTHNIEL and STRAHA sitting at a table laughing and smiling together.

LEO
A renewed sense of vitality
and youthfulness has spread…

We see DAVE HOWERY, DIAMOND, MATT, WEAPON M and several other ah.commers playing a game of basketball. HOWERY makes a basket but falls face down onto the court. We see MATT and DIAMOND helping him back up. They go back to playing.

LEO
Some of the crew have adopted a more
spiritual or mental discipline approach…

We see DOCTOR WHAT sitting in a darkened candlelit room. He’s practicing some yoga stretching exercises.

LEO
While others are displaying uncharacteristically
pleasant behaviors to one another…

We see LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE eating nutella sandwiches. IRONYUPPIE reaches into the jar to find that there’s just enough to make one more sandwich. Just as she’s about to spread it on her bread, she stops, looks at LANDSHARK and –with a shrug of her shoulders—passes the nutella to LANDSHARK. He looks up in shock at IRONYUPPIE for a moment, smiles and then digs in.

LEO
Everything aboard the ship is going well.

We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN sitting at a table with a bowl of soup in front of him. He looks furtively around for a few seconds—then a foot long FLY TONGUE comes out of his mouth and into the bowl, sucking the soup up.

LEO
Well, ALMOST everything…

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS