TEASER

INT. AH.COM LOUNGE –DAY

GBW sits on a comfortable sofa and reads the newspaper. MICHAEL comes in with an “Elektra” DVD and shuts the door behind him. He takes a few steps, then goes back and checks it. He walks forward, and then goes back to check.

GBW, on the sofa, slams down the magazine.

GBW
The door won’t just come open!

MICHAEL
You can never be too careful
these days. With CFers
and Google Spiders running about.

GBW
They’re not HERE, on the ship!

MICHAEL steps over to the sofa and sits down next to GBW. He opens the DVD case, closes, and opens it again. GBW grinds his teeth, but forces himself to grin.

GBW
I don’t think a Google
Spider will pop out of the box.

MICHAEL nods.

MICHAEL
But what about Yahoo
Slurp Spiders?

GBW plays along.

GBW
Nobody’s actually SEEN a Yahoo
Slurp Spider. They’re only rumored to exist.

MICHAEL
Crosstime bombs
were once only rumored to exist.

GBW starts to disagree, but decides it’s not worth the effort.

GBW
“Right. Logic and reason. Sorry.”

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“GREATER TEXAS”

Written By : MERRYPRANKSTER

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH ship explodes out of a vortex into orbit over another Earth.

INT. AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT sits in his command chair, while the other AHers bustle about the Control Room doing their tasks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay Leo. What’s happening on
this planet?

LEO_CAESIUS
Collecting transmissions now…
(beat)
It seems that the POD was in
the 1840s. There’s a United States,
but there’s also a Republic of Texas
that stretches all the way to California and
includes the territories in-between.

DOCTOR WHAT strokes his goatee.

DIAMOND
(munching on popcorn)
Sounds like a world from Sldiers.
Is there cheesy quick draw gun fights on the street?

LEO_CAESIUS
I… I’ll look into it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sounds interesting.
Any notable butterflies?

LEO_CAESIUS
Well, there was no Civil War.
I would imagine without the issue
of Western expansion, slavery did not
become nearly as contentious.
The states are more powerful vis-à-vis
the Federal government.
(beat)
The Japanese rule Manchuria and northeast China,
while the rest has been divided up into various
Hong Kong-esque enclaves.

HENDRYK leaps to his feet, drawing his Chinese-made Mauser knockoff.

HENDRYK
We must drive the filthy
gwai from the sacred soil
of the Middle Kingdom!
Long live the Son of Heaven!

STRAHA
Umm…you’re French, dumbass.

It looks like a fight is going to break out, but DOCTOR WHAT motions for calm. When everyone’s shut up, he points to the Control Room door and then to STRAHA.

STRAHA
What?

DOCTOR WHAT gestures again. STRAHA slinks out. The other crew marvels at DOCTOR WHAT’s unusual decisiveness.

DOCTOR WHAT
The last few TLs have been stressful.
My vote is that we find a nice, peaceful
place and relax for awhile.
(beat)
Leo, take us down to Toronto…
Hopefully we won’t find any more evil versions
of myself, female, super villian, or otherwise.

DIAMOND
(slurping on a drink)
How about those sheep shagging ones?
There always seems to be a bunch of them.

STRAHA pokes his head back into the Control Room.

STRAHA
Some one say sheep shagging?

EXT. AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com ship coasts down through the atmosphere. As it crosses the Gulf of Mexico, missiles begin rising from Texas and shoot right for it.

INT. AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Alarms are ringing. Everyone is heading for battle stations.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Evasive maneuvers!
Counter-missile fire!

DIAMOND
(buckling in)
Why didn’t we just teleport down?

HENDRYK
Or take a small stealth shuttle down?!

EXT. AH.COM SHIP – DAY

Lasers slash the Texan missiles from the sky. The ship rolls, dodging two more.

Unfortunately, two missiles get through the laser screen and approach the ship…

INT. – AH.COM LOUNGE – DAY

OTHNIEL and STRAHA are arguing.

STRAHA
I’m sick of you trying to
convert me all the time!
(wicked grin)
So now I’m going to convert you!

He picks up a messenger bag from the floor and opens it.

CLOSE-UP: MESSENGER BAG

It’s brimming with marijuana.

INT. AH.COM LOUNGE – DAY

OTHNIEL is horrified.

OTHNIEL
No! No!

STRAHA
(smiling seductively)
You know you liked it
when you “accidentally”
got stoned in my quarters…

STRAHA begins pushing the bag towards him, but then an explosion tears away the side of the ship.

STRAHA and his weed-bag are sucked out the side. Unfortunately for OTHNIEL, STRAHA grabbed him and pulled him out.

INT. AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Impact alarms go off.

LEO_CAESIUS
Missile impact in the lounge area!
Second particle-beam cannon
lost!

DOCTOR WHAT curses.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re going to have to land and get
it back. Don’t want our presence
to affect the TL too much.

LEO_CAESIUS
STRAHA and OTHNIEL
are no longer on the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hastily)
We’re going to have to get them too.
(beat)
Bring us in for a landing. We’re
going to have to repair the ship
and get those two back.

EXT. – WASTELAND – DAY

OTHNIEL and STRAHA hit the ground. A few seconds later, the bag of weed hits the ground.

Both AHers groan.

STRAHA
(wincing as he gets up) _
Shit man, where fuck are we?

OTHNIEL
God only knows…

They rise to their feet and dust themselves off. STRAHA walks over to the bag and opens it to make sure none has spilled.

Meanwhile, OTHNIEL has his hand cupped to his forehead, scanning the horizon.

IN THE DISTANCE – A rickety house sits atop a hill.

OTHNIEL points.

OTHNIEL
Look, a house!
Maybe there’s someone home.

STRAHA just stares at OTHNIEL.

STRAHA
You moron! It’s probably
inhabited by a family straight out of
“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

Now it’s OTHNIEL’s turn to stare.

OTHNIEL
Is that a movie?
I’ve never seen it.

STRAHA groans.

STRAHA
Hostile rednecks who will
molest us, kill, and eat us,
Not necessarily in that order.

OTHNIEL looks ill.

OTHNIEL
Never mind. Let’s wait then.
What will come through for us.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com ship, a massive smoking hole in its side, comes in for a landing amidst a similar-looking wasteland.

A door in the side folds open and the crew emerges.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. KITJED, you and two
others go find that particle cannon.
Our sensors indicate that it landed a couple of
miles from here.

DOCTOR WHAT turns to MATT and WEAPON_M.

DOCTOR WHAT
MATT, organize a perimeter
around the landing site.
(beat)
WEAPON_M, take some people and
go find OTHNIEL and STRAHA.

EXT. – A NEARBY CLIFF – DAY

Unbeknownst to them, a squad of TEXAN MILITIAMEN riding in a pickup truck watches them from a nearby cliff. They roar away seconds later.

EXT. – MORE WASTELAND – DAY

KIT, DIAMOND, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN walk along. All of them have their weapons out.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it, why couldn’t you
get Michael to do this job?

DIAMOND
Don’t worry we lost a smaller
one, two of you can carry it.

KIT
Two of us??
You expect me to ruin
my nails and sweat?

DIAMOND
Err.. I sure as hell
ain’t going to carry it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN points.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
There it is!

A wicked-looking weapon system attached to a piece of scorched steel lies in the desert in front of them.

DIAMOND
See, it’s not too big.

KIT rolls his eyes. He opens his mouth to speak when engines ROAR and six Texans on motorcycles surge down onto them from the surrounding hills. As they come down, they open fire on the AHers with energy weapons.

DIAMOND
Energy weapons!
This TL doesn’t have a space
presence worth a damn but they’ve
got ENERGY WEAPONS!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(laughs and points)
Hey look, rednecks riding motorcycles.

A laser burst slices by DIAMOND’s head, shearing off a sideburn. He jumps and SCREAMS.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN shoots one of the Texans. He goes flying off his motorcycle; the motorcycle slams into the particle-beam cannon and EXPLODES, destroying them both.

KITJED fires at a Texan and misses. The Texan whips out a lasso and ropes him. Another Texan ropes him from the opposite direction. Both the Texans pull their ropes taut, yanking him off the ground. The two Texans ride off, holding KITJED off the ground between them.

DIAMOND has recovered from his shock and draws twin pistols. He fires at the fleeing Texans. One Texan cuts between DIAMOND and the other Texans. Both bullets hit his motorcycle and he goes flying.

The other TEXANS withdraw, firing at the AH.commers to keep them from pursuing

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(dripping with sarcasm)
Nice quick draw skills.

DIAMOND
(doing fancy re-holstering move)
Thanks.
(beat)
Asshole.

EXT. – THE WASTELAND – EVENING

Night’s falling. STRAHA and OTHNIEL are getting cold.

OTHNIEL
Still don’t want to go see
if anyone’s in that house?

Shivering, STRAHA shakes his head.

OTHNIEL (CONT’D)
Well then. I’ll go up there and you wait here.

OTHNIEL ascends the hill and comes to the door. He knocks.

The door ominously creaks open.

INT. – THE HOUSE – NIGHT

The house is dark and ominous. OTHNIEL sticks his head in.

OTHNIEL
Anyone home?

No one answers. OTHNIEL steps inside, looking to the left and right.

Suddenly a bunch of DEFORMED REDNECKS boil out of the dark. They cover OTHNIEL’S mouth before he has the chance to scream and drag him out of sight.

EXT. TEXAN CAMP – NIGHT

KIT is dumped unceremoniously at the feet of the TEXAN COMMANDER, a big man in a ten-gallon hat wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a blazer, a bolo tie, and two holstered pistols. Unperturbed, KITJED rises to his feet and gives the man an up-and-down look.

KIT
(as gay as humanly possible)
Hello, handsome.

The TEXAN raises an eyebrow.

TEXAN COMMANDER
(THICK drawl)
What’s wrong with you, boy?

KIT swishes his hips.

KIT
Nothing, sexy.

The TEXAN pales.

TEXAN COMMANDER
Great jumpity jackrabbits, this one’s one
of them.. what do you call it? Gays!
(beat)
Bring out…The Device.

A TEXAN SOLDIER is shocked.

TEXAN SOLDIER
Shouldn’t we put him in the internment camp
with the other Oklahomans, sir?

TEXAN COMANDER
No…The Device first.

KIT
(muttering)
Shit. Why does it always work for Yuppie?

EXT. THE AH LANDING SITE -NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DIAMOND come rushing in. DOCTOR WHAT, who was sitting in a chair with LUAKEL fanning him, rises to greet them.

DOCTOR WHAT
What happened?

DIAMOND
Good news or bad news?

DOCTOR WHAT
Good news.

DIAMOND
Well, the particle-beam was destroyed.
We don’t need to worry about destabilizing
the TL too much. Good thing too, because
Psycho nearly collapsed just walking back
from the site.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It was hot….

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking head)
And the bad news?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The weapon was destroyed in battle with
some Walker Texas Ranger wannabes. We drove them
off, but they lasso’d KITJED and carried him off.

DIAMOND
We figure he’ll enjoy his stay. Since we
all know what comes from Texas…
(beat)
And they didn’t look like steers.

DOCTOR WHAT whistles ominously.

DOCTOR WHAT
They don’t know what they’re getting into.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(smirking)
Gay cowboy love, sounds familiar…

EXT. THE TEXAN CAMP – NIGHT

KIT stands there, flanked by two TEXAN SOLDIERS. Despite being tied up, he wiggles with glee.

KIT
It’s so nice standing between
two hot young men.

One soldier chuckles.

TEXAN SOLDIER #1
Enjoy your last moments as a gay.

TEXAN SOLDIER #2
The last queer we caught only lasted
two minutes before The Device took effect.

KITJED is now looking a little bit afraid.

An ominous rumble echoes from offscreen.

INT. THE SCARY FAMILY BASEMENT – NIGHT

OTHNIEL has had most of his clothes removed and is tied down. A dozen GROSS INBRED REDNECKS hover around him. One of them is seven feet tall and has a “Leatherface” mask.

An especially-scary old woman leans in over OTHNIEL.

SCARY INBRED OLD WOMAN
So nice and fresh…so nice and fresh.

A NASTY HUMPBACKED MAN strides in.

NASTY HUMPBACKED MAN
We know there’s another one of you
Oklahomans out there somewhere.
(he shows OTHNIEL the bag of weed)
He got away, but he left the bag behind.

OTHNIEL stutters a bit before answering.

OTHNIEL
Ok…Oklahomans?
There must be some mistake…
I’m from Utah.

The assembled grisly gang cackles.

SCARY INBRED OLD WOMAN
Yer from Utah? One of ‘em…

OTHNIEL
No! No! I’m not one of them!

NASTY HUMPBACKED MAN
From Utah and not one of ‘em?
(shrugs)
Help us catch your friend and you’ll get a reward.
You’ll be eaten first.

OTHNIEL
Isn’t the usual reward for help to be eaten
last?

The grisly gang laughs.

SCARY INBRED WOMAN
Nope. The one who gets eaten last gets
ass raped while we’re eating the others.

OTHNIEL
(shouting)
Never! NEVER!

The gang laughs some more.

NASTY HUMPBACKED MAN
You’ll give in soon enough.

He produces a jug of moonshine. Two of the assembled inbreds pry Othniel’s mouth open and the NASTY HUMPBACKED MAN pours the moonshine in. He pours it in for a good while.

SCARY INBRED WOMAN
Lureen!

A dirty but otherwise attractive woman comes to the front. She gives OTHNIEL a rotten-toothed grin.

OTHNIEL screams!

EXT. – AH.COM LANDING SITE – NIGHT

Four Texans on motorcycles flank a large herd of cattle Behind the herd, hundreds of TEXAN MILITIAMEN armed with all sorts of exotic weapons

EXT. THE TEXAN CAMP – NIGHT

THE DEVICE is brought out. It’s a MECHANICAL BULL.

KITJED is visibly relieved.

A BEAUTIFUL TEXAN WOMAN in a skimpy bikini struts out and mounts the bull. It starts going, slowly at first, but faster and faster.

The two TEXAN SOLDIERS are entranced. KITJED is indifferent.

Ultimately, the bull proves too vigorous for the woman and throws her. She flips in the air and lands on top of KITJED, knocking him to the ground.

After lying on top of him and the two TEXAN SOLDIERS for a moment, she hops to her feet and walks away, getting in a good bit of behind-movement in the process. The TEXAN soldiers pull KITJED to his feet in time for the flustered TEXAN COMMANDER to return.

TEXAN COMMANDER
You Oklahomans are tough. But we’ll get you yet.
(he looks straight at Kitjed)
You see the light yet, boy?

KIT
(cheerfully)
Nope.
But I have an idea…

TEXAN COMMANDER
Let’s hear it.

KIT
Out in Wyoming, there’s a lovely place called
Brokeback Mountain. Let’s go up there, just the
two of us. I’ll be Ennis La Mar and you be Jack Twist.

The TEXAN COMMANDER doesn’t get it.

KIT
It’ll be fun. Neither of us
will wear any clothes,
and we’ll tell our wives
that we were fishing, but
we’ll never actually catch
any fish…

THE TEXAN COMMANDER turns purple with fury.

TEXAN COMMANDER
In Texas, men are men and women are women!
Not the other way around!
(quiet and menacing)
There’s only one solution to the problem.

KITJED starts to look a little bit afraid.

TEXAN COMMANDER (CONT’D)
Take this Gay to the Emasculator!

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – AH.COM LANDING SITE – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT is in conference with some crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. After WEAPON_M gets back
with STRAHA and OTHNIEL, we’ll need to
assemble a rescue party for KITJED.

DIAMOND
Why not go now?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We’d leave the ship unprotected.
The Texans might not have space
travel, but they have lots of weapons.
Lots and lots of….

His words are cut off suddenly.

TEXANS
Yippee-ky-yay!

The assembled AHers turn to see a HERD OF CATTLE thundering their way. A bunch of COWBOYS herd the cattle towards the AH.com ship.

MATT and the outer ring of defenders open fire on the TEXANS, who fire back. Three cowboys swerve away from the herd to deal with MATT and the defenders, while three more drive the cattle into the landing site.

The AHers inside the perimeter scatter. The TEXANS open fire. A burst from a hand-carried particle beam near-misses DOCTOR WHAT, sending him tumbling.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO! Start shooting!

Energy fire erupts from the AH ship, reducing the cattle to burnt steaks. The TEXANS break off their frontal charge and swing to the sides, firing on the scattered AHers.

Meanwhile, two TEXANS on horseback pursue THANDE. As he runs, he throws test tubes from his lab coat onto the ground behind him. The Texans manage to dodge the first few resulting explosions, but THANDE throws three test tubes at once and the resulting blast hurls the TEXANS far, far away.

Most of the cattle have been killed by LEO. The survivors are milling around. The one remaining COWBOY spurs his horse and flees.

EXT. – A CLIFF – NIGHT

A TEXAN OFFICER, watching the defeat of his attack, grinds his teeth. He pulls a walkie-talkie out of his pants pocket.

TEXAN OFFICER
The attack with the cattle failed.

TEXAN COMMANDER (O.S.)
I’ll be over shortly. With
reinforcements and….The Machine.

EXT. THE NASTY TEXANS’ HOUSE – NIGHT

A door opens in the side of the Texans’ house and OTHNIEL climbs out. As he walks away, LUREEN sticks her head out.

LUREEN
Y’all come back later!

OTHNIEL smiles, but quickens his pace. He comes across the tracks of the NASTY TEXANS. He sniffs the air, and his face wrinkles with disgust.

OTHNIEL
Weed. They’re using the weed
to bait STRAHA

He RUNS.

EXT. – THE WASTELAND – NIGHT

STRAHA plods along, alone. .

STRAHA
Idiot should have listened to me.
‘Don’t go into the house,’ I tell him.
But NOO….

Suddenly, he sniffs the air. His eyes glaze over and he turns around. In his trance-like state, he plods over the top of a hill, where he finds.

THE NASTY TEXANS waiting for him.

HUNCHBACKED OLD MAN
Get him, Leatherface!

The towering inbreeding specimen raises his roaring chainsaw and charges STRAHA. STRAHA freezes with terror as the madman approaches.

Suddenly, there’s a GUNSHOT and LEATHERFACE’S leg buckles. He falls. The NASTY TEXANS turn to see.

OTHNIEL standing on a nearby hill, a pistol smoking in his hand.

THE NASTY TEXANS howl with anger and CHARGE. Suddenly…

A COMANCHE WAR PARTY rides in. With brutal efficiency, they destroy the nasty Texans. Before the two AHers can exhale with relief, COMANCHE WARRIORS sweep them up and carry them away.

WEAPON_M and THE RESCUE PARTY witness this from a nearby hill. They set off in pursuit.

LATER

WEAPON_M and the AH.com relief party ascend the hills towards the COMANCHE CAMP. As they approach, they see OTHNIEL and STRAHA buried up to their necks at the feet of the Comanche chief TEN BEARS.

EXT. – THE COMANCHE CAMP – NIGHT

As the AHers approach, TEN BEARS and his COMANCHES ride out to meet them. They’re carrying a mix of Old West rifles, modern assault weapons, and even a couple of hand-held energy weapons.

Both parties come to a halt a few yards apart. WEAPON_M steps forward.

WEAPON_M
You be Ten Bears?

TEN BEARS
I am Ten Bears.

WEAPON_M
I’m Weapon_M

TEN BEARS
I have heard. You’ve slept with two women
at the same time. You also have lots and lots
of guns. You may go in peace.

WEAPON_M
I reckon not.

TEN BEARS
Then you will die.

WEAPON_M
I came here to die with you. Or live with you. Dying ain’t so
hard for men like you and me, it’s living that’s hard; when all
you ever cared about has been butchered or raped. Governments
don’t live together, people live together. With governments you
don’t always get a fair word or a fair fight. Well I’ve come here
to give you either one, or get either one from you. I came here
like this so you’ll know my word of life is then true.

TEN BEARS
And your word of death?

WEAPON_M
It’s here in my guns, and yours.
(beat)
I’m here for either one.

TEN_BEARS
There is iron in your word of death for all
Comanche to see. And so there is iron in your words
of life. No signed paper can hold the iron, it must
come from men. The words of Ten Bears carries the
same iron of life and death. It is good that warriors such
as we meet in the struggle of life… or death. It shall be life.

TEN BEARS takes his knife and cuts his hand. WEAPON_M does the same, and they grasp each other’s hands.

TEN BEARS
So shall it be.

MATT
(confused)
What the fuck just happened?

MICHAEL
I think he just both their land.
Or they might be going into
a partnership to start a casino.

EXT. – AH.COM LANDING SITE -NIGHT

WEAPON_M and the RESCUE PARTY bring STRAHA and OTHNIEL into the camp-site.

WEAPON_M
They’re back. Now we should leave.
On the way back, I spotted a good-sized
Texan force heading this way.

DOCTOR WHAT
No can do. KITJED was
carried off by Texans.
We’ll need to go fetch him.

TEXAN COMMANDER (O.C.)
You Oklahomans looking for your
queer friend?

The AHers turn to see

THE TEXAN ARMY

Massing nearby. The TEXAN COMMANDER rides in an enormous oil-fired Mech-like machine that towers from the pickup trucks, SUVs, and horses that carry the Texan forces.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the hell is that thing?

DOCTOR WHAT
You didn’t expect something like that? This is Texas.
Lots of oil and low environmental standards.

THE TEXAN COMMANDER
I’ve got your queer friend in The Emasculator.
If you Oklahomans don’t surrender your fancy
ship, we’re going to make him a woman!

He gestures to

A BIZARRE DUNK-TANK DEVICE

in which KITJED is chained. A massive WHIRLING BLADE sits below him. The TEXAN COMMANDER presses a button and the chains pull taut, spreading KITJED’s legs. The whirling blade accelerates. Mechanical limbs with breast implants, shaving razors, and syringes of hormones fold out of the sides of the tank.

LEO is the first to act. With the precision only an advanced artificial intelligence can pull off, AH.com particle beams destroy the whirling blade and many of the mechanical arms.

The TEXAN COMMANDER, seeing his major trump card lost, growls in fury.

TEXAN COMMANDER
Attack! Disable the ship!

THE TEXAN ARMY thunders towards the AH ship. LEO opens up with the guns, destroying many of the Texans, but the Texans scatter, attacking from the sides and rear.

LEO_CAESIUS
(over DOCTOR WHAT’s headset)
Get everyone back aboard!
They can dent the hull, but we’re too big for
them to do much damage, unless they use a
nuke or something.

THE OIL FIRED MECH begins attacking the ship

DIAMOND
(running)
Damn it! Next time we’re teleporting in!

DOCTOR WHAT shouts above the din.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fighting withdrawal!
Back to the ship!
(beat)
Someone get KITJED!

He spots LUAKEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
You! Get KITJED!

LUAKEL
But it’s dangerous…

DOCTOR WHAT fixes him with a glare.

LUAKEL
(sullen)
Oh all right.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP -NIGHT

Meanwhile, the TEXAN COMMANDER in his giant machine is attacking the AH ship with a combination of lasers and giant metal claws. He’s done severe damage to the upper quarters of the armor, though AH particle beams have severely torn up his machine.

He’s about to strike a massive blow on the AH ship when he spots STRAHA rushing towards the ship.

TEXAN COMMANDER
Mexicans! The Oklahomans are collaborating
with Mexicans!

He turns from attacking the AH ship to swing a massive claw at STRAHA, who freezes with terror…

Suddenly OTHNIEL leaps into the picture. In horizontal action-movie slow-mo, he knocks STRAHA to the side while firing two machine pistols at once into the TEXAN COMMANDER.

Riddled with bullets, the TEXAN COMMANDER dies. Without his living body guiding the machine’s movements, the giant mech topples backwards. It smashes into the desert floor.

STRAHA
(awestruck)
Dude…where’d you learn
how to do that?

OTHNIEL
Matt’s been giving me some lessons.

EXT. – THE LANDING SITE- NIGHT

Meanwhile, LUAKEL has managed to extract the nearly-naked KITJED from The Emasculator. He drags KITJED back towards the AH ship while bullets and energy bolts whine around him.

LUAKEL
(shaking)
Oh, god, oh, god.
I remember this soft skin…

EXT. THE AH.COM GANGWAY

The crew scrambles up the ramp onto the ship. MATT, WEAPON_M, and OTHNIEL hold the line, keeping the TEXANS at bay through pure firepower.

MATT
(mock-solemn)
You do well, grasshopper.

OTHNIEL
Thank you, master.

An ENERGY BOLT nearly takes off OTHNIEL’s head, scorching the metal of the airlock.

OTHNIEL
You jackass!

He holds the triggers of both pistols down, shredding two TEXAN INFANTRYMEN.

All three duck back inside and the airlock seals behind them.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT

The engines flare and the AH.com ship rises upward. The blast wave from the engines bowls over most of the TEXAN SOLDIERS.

As the ship rises towards space, missiles rise from the desert floor.

INT. THE AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT grips the armrests of his command chair with fear-induced strength.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo, please do something
about those missiles…

LEO_CAESIUS
The Texan ‘mech heavily
damaged the computers controlling
the anti-missile lasers.
I’ll try, but no guarantees…

EXT. THE AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT

Lasers lance from the AH.com ship, striking missiles from the sky. However, two lasers miss and the missiles slam into the ship’s energy shields. The second missile punches through the weakened shields and heavily scars the ship’s armor.

INT. THE AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT

The ship shakes.

LEO_CAESIUS
Shields down to 10% in several
places. Armor integrity
severely weakened.

OTHNIEL leaps to his feet.

OTHNIEL
I think I know something
that’ll help.

DOCTOR WHAT
Go ahead.

OTHNIEL
Well, as you know, I’ve
been deleting the porn caches
aboard the ship’s computers…

DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON_M are distinctly unhappy.

DOCTOR WHAT
So that’s what happened!

WEAPON_M
(angry)
Should have left you with
the Comanches!

OTHNIEL
(hurriedly)
So I’ve learned great computer
hacking skills! If LEO can
open a link to the Texan computers…

The ship shudders with another missile impact.

DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t hurt.

OTHNIEL dashes over to a computer terminal and begins typing.

INT. TEXAN COMMAND CENTER – NIGHT

The Texan Command Center looks like a honky-tonk. There’s sawdust on the floor, buckets of peanuts on every surface, and a country-western band plays off to the left.

A TEXAN OFFICER sits at a computer. As he watches, alarms start going off.

TEXAN-ACCENTED AUTOMATED ALARM VOICE
Intrusion alert. Something is attempting
to interfere with missile guidance.

TEXAN OFFICER
Shitfire! We’ll have to use
the ultimate weapon!

His fingers dance on the console.

EXT. A MISSILE SILO – NIGHT

Two enormous concrete doors slide open and an enormous missile slides upward.

The missile bears the face of CHUCK NORRIS.

As alarms wail, the missile LAUNCHES.

INT. AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

OTHNIEL pales.

OTHNIEL
I’ve sent most of the missiles off-course.
But now they’re using the Ultimate Weapon?

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s that?

OTHNIEL
Chuck Norris!

STRAHA moans in terror.

STRAHA
We’re doomed!
(beat)
Hasn’t anyone ever
read the Chuck Norris Facts ™?

DOCTOR WHAT scratches his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
No.

LEO interrupts.

LEO_CAESIUS
Ready to Shift.

DOCTOR WHAT
Shift!

EXT. THE AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT

A vortex opens and the AH.com ship vanishes inside.

Seconds later, the CHUCK NORRIS passes through where the ship used to be. It continues on and hits THE MOON.

There is a TREMONDOUS EXPLOSION. When the flash clears, we can see that a significant fraction of the Moon has been blasted clean.

INT. AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

The ship materializes in a new TL. Everyone exhales with relief.

LEO_CAESIUS
We’re in another TL, and in
deep space. I think we’re safe now.

Suddenly, we hear a SCREAM. Everyone turns to look at KITJED.

He has breasts. Big voluptuous breasts. And he’s not happy.
Forward Message

END ACT II

TAG

EXT. AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA, in full medical scrubs, steps out of the Sick Bay. DOCTOR WHAT and a bunch of other crewmen are waiting there anxiously.

TORQUMADA
They’re out.

Lots of sighs of relief.

TORQUMADA
Lots of scarring though.

KITJED moans from inside the sick bay.

KIT (O.S.)
Are they out?
(beat)
Oh thank Bruce, they’re gone.

TORQUMADA
He’ll be laid up for a few days,
but he’ll be fine.

INT. – AH.COM – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT sits in his chair, working on his computer.

DOCTOR WHAT
Need to see just how much
damage little OTHNIEL did.

He clicks the mouse. As he sees what’s onscreen, his lips move.

DOCTOR WHAT
File not found.

He clicks some more.

DOCTOR WHAT
File not found.

He clicks a bit faster.

DOCTOR WHAT
(frantic)
File not found!

He frantically clicks, eyes wide. He exhales with relief.

DOCTOR WHAT
To see yummy, yummy porn,
click here.

He clicks. His eyes grow wide.

DOCTOR WHAT
(slowly reading)
Repent or perish.
(beat)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS