TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

The camera pans across a scene of the control room. Several of the crew are at their stations monitoring their panels. DOCTOR WHAT walks through the door and looks around the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where is that new guy at? Haven’t
seen him around for a few hours…

GREY WOLF
FLOCCULENCIO? He’s in his quarters,
making what he calls ‘the mother of all curry’.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, not him, the other one, the kid.
Never can remember his name…

GBW
Oh, wait, I know it… it’s on the tip of
my tongue… Lucky? Lucid?
Something like that…

THANDE
No, I think its LUAKEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, that’s it! So, where is he?

THANDE
He’s down on the planet with DAVE HOWERY.
Dave said he wanted to spend some quality time
with him, raise the boy right and all that.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really? I didn’t think Dave really liked him…
or any other kid for that matter.

THANDE
Yeah. Well, he likes him enough
to take him fishing anyway.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fishing?

THANDE
Yeah, Dave said something about needing bait…

EXT. – NEW YORK CITY- CENTRAL PARK – NIGHT

The camera pans across a scene of Central Park at night, showing a wide selection of scary looking people. The scene focuses in on LUAKEL, who looks scared and confused. He is wandering around looking at various people. He finally stops in front of a man in a nice suit and tie.

LUAKEL
Please, mister, I’m lost. Can you
help me find my way to 12th Avenue?

MAN
(kindly smile on face)
Why sure, sonny. Just follow me over here…

The two walk together out of the park and into a dark alley. When there is no one else in sight, the man suddenly turns around and grabs LUAKEL by the collar. An evil predatory grin is on his face.

MAN
Now, boy, you’re all mine! Oh,
the things I’ll do to you. Go ahead
and scream, no one will care.
(The man’s eyes go distant as a smile goes across his face.)
I’ve dreamed of such a moment as this for years…

LUAKEL
Well, keep dreaming, sucker,
and give me your wallet.

The man looks down to see LUAKEL holding a huge .45 Colt Automatic aimed at his groin. LUAKEL no longer looks confused or scared, and has a big smile.

MAN
Jesus, kid, put that away,
you might hurt someone!

LUAKEL
Yeah, I might just blow your pride
and joy right off of you.
Sure, the cops might come…
(fake confused and scared expression)
…but I’m just a helpless little boy who
was in the clutches of a nasty bad child molester!
(nasty grin again)
But if you hand over your wallet nice
and quiet, you get to walk away.

The man hesitates for a moment, and then takes out his wallet, throws it at LUAKEL, and runs out of the alley. LUAKEL picks up the wallet and pulls a big wad of cash out of it. A shadow falls across him, and he looks up. DAVE HOWERY is standing there, adamantium chainsaw slung across his back. LUAKEL hands the wallet and cash to him.

LUAKEL
Wow, you were right again, Dave! That’s
the third one in a row you’ve picked! How
do you do it… do you guys have some kind
of secret signals or something?

DAVE HOWERY
Not really signals, more of a… hey,
what do you mean, ‘you guys’… are
you accusing me of something?!

LUAKEL
No, no, of course not.

DAVE HOWERY glares suspiciously at him for a moment, and then goes back to counting the cash. He gives half of it to LUAKEL.

LUAKEL
How come I only get half? I think I should
get 75% because I’m doing most of the work.

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, but I’m picking out the targets.
Without me, you’d be wandering
around accosting strangers at random.

LUAKEL
I think I should get 75%
because I’m taking all the risks.

DAVE HOWERY
What risks? I pick out targets who don’t
have any guns, and I’m watching over
you just in case something happens.

LUAKEL
I think I should get 75% because
I’m pointing a gun at you.

DAVE HOWERY looks up to see LUAKEL pointing the pistol at him. He sighs and pulls the chainsaw off his back.

DAVE HOWERY
I was afraid something like this would happen.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“C-MEN”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

High above the Earth, a wormhole opens and the AH. COM emerges out of it and settles into orbit.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Most of the crew is at their stations, looking at the earth on the viewscreen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Give me good news, LEO…

LEO CAESIUS
We’re in luck. This world is at
a modern level of technology.

GBW
Thank God! We’re running low
on damn near everything.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? We’re already out of supplies?
We just left the Hub.

GBW
Well we left in such a hurry that we hadn’t
had time to load up on the bare essentials.

DOCTOR WHAT
What are we missing

GBW
Well, you name it, we need it. Everything from
Booze to porn to lube to booze to porn…

DIAMOND
(sipping on a Keystone)
You’d think that point where all universes
connect would actually hold some decent
porn and booze, but nooo….

DOCTOR WHAT
Well did any of you want to stay around
at the Hub? After what happened?

A long pause by everyone.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, Leo. What’s the planet looking like?

LEO CAESIUS
None that are apparent. This world does seem to
have had a bad run of luck with nuclear power
plants, and background radiation levels are quite
a bit higher than normal. But nothing that will
be a problem for the away team.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. HENDRYK, get a list together of what we
need. LEO, find out what they use for money here.
Dave, when he does that, make us up a bunch of
local money. LEO, where would be a good
place to get supplies?

LEO CAESIUS
I recommend that you transport down to the outskirts
of Sault Ste. Marie in Michigan. There seems to
be a particularly good selection of wholesale alcohol
distributors and what appears to be
a very concentrated red light district.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sounds like a plan. Okay, the away team: me,
IRON YUPPIE, HENDRYK, and OTHNIEL.
WEAPON M too, just in case. But be subtle.
No big guns. We want to get in and out fast,
not scare the hell out of people. Let’s get to work.

DOCTOR WHAT pauses and looks around.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, where Luakel?

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, I’m sure he’s hanging around here somewhere.

EXT. – SAULT STE. MARIE – DAY

The camera opens on a parking lot scene outside of a huge discount store. The away team walks into the scene. They look around carefully. DOCTOR WHAT pulls out a very short list and looks at it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, we’ve got most of what we need.
One more stop should do it.
What is this store anyway?

He looks up and the camera swings to show a huge building with the name HyperMegaMart.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that’s a more honest
name than Walmart anyway…

INT. – HYPERMEGAMART – DAY

The away team is seen with shopping carts piled high with assorted products. DOCTOR WHAT is ticking items off the list.

DOCTOR WHAT
Almost done! All we have left is…
booze, booze, booze, booze… hmmm…
Grey must’ve written this. Oh, and
the stuff on KITJED’s ‘special items’
list. OTHNIEL, you can find those.

OTHNIEL takes the list and looks at it.

OTHNIEL
Why does Kit need so much KY Jelly?

IRON YUPPIE
You’re too young to know that. Oh,
I almost forgot. I need a jumbo sized
tub of ointment to treat rope burns.

HENDRYK
Again? Didn’t you just get one… what the hell?!

The rest of the team looks up to see HENDRYK staring at something off camera. They turn to see a man who is grinning evilly at them. He is GASSER, the local version of STRAHA, and looks much like him, except that he has a huge frog-like head with massive pendulous jowls. He makes a deep gurgling sound, and his jowls begin to expand like balloons.

The camera switches to WEAPON M, who is reaching inside his coat for a pistol, when a large shadow falls across him. He looks up to see an 8’ tall hairy biped with fangs and red eyes. This is YOWIE, and his face is barely recognizable as the local version of MICHAEL. YOWIE backhands WEAPON M, who goes flying into a counter full of paint cans. He falls to the ground, knocked out.

The camera switches back to GASSER, whose jowls are now fully inflated. His head lunges forward and he breathes out a cloud of noxious green gas. The away team all cough, stagger, and drop to the floor. YOWIE looks over the group with a snarl, and then reaches down, picks up HENDRYK, and puts him over his shoulder. The two start to walk away, and then stop, looking at something off camera. GASSER starts to fill his jowls again and YOWIE snarls menacingly. Suddenly, a snowball hits GASSER smack on the nose, and he howls in pain. YOWIE starts to move forward, but a big potato hits him in the belly. A flurry of snowballs and potatoes hit both villains, and they turn and run away, HENDRYK still held by YOWIE.

The camera switches back to DOCTOR WHAT, who struggles to consciousness. The camera switches to his POV, which is very unfocused. He sees two blurry figures, one tall and white, the other short and brown. The camera switches back to DOCTOR WHAT, who passes out again.

Fade to black.

INT. – MICHIGAN SCHOOL FOR THE GIFTED- MEDICAL WARD – DAY

The camera fades in to an overhead view of DOCTOR WHAT, who is lying on a bed. He stirs, and opens his eyes with a gasp. Sitting up, he looks around. The camera switches to his left, and he sees OTHNIEL, IRON YUPPIE, and WEAPON M, all on beds, and all are stirring into consciousness. The camera switches to his right and we see a dark haired man in a wheelchair, smiling pleasantly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wh… where are we? And who are you?

MAN
Welcome. You are in the medical wing of
my school. I am PROFESSOR CAESIUS.
I’m glad to see you are all recovering.

DOCTOR WHAT
Your school? What kind of school? And
who were those freaks who attacked us?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
(frowning)
‘Freaks’ is a word I do not approve of.
But please, follow me. All your
questions will be answered.

PROFESSOR CAESIUS turns his wheelchair and leaves the room. DOCTOR WHAT looks at the others, who shrug. They get up and follow the professor out of the room.

INT. – MICHIGAN SCHOOL FOR THE GIFTED- CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

The team members are seated around a long table, with drinks and snacks at hand. PROFESSOR CAESIUS is sitting in his wheelchair at the head of the table.

DOCTOR WHAT
We appreciate your hospitality, but can
you tell us just what is going on here?
And where is HENDRYK?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
All in good time. But first… you are
from an alternate timeline, correct?

The team all look at each other in surprise.

DOCTOR WHAT
Because I’ve met your counterpart here on
this world. He looks much like you, of course,
but now he has hidden his face from the world,
donning a metal mask, and is
now the mutant known as GENETO.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… mutant?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
Yes. This world has suffered from many nuclear
power plant malfunctions, and radiation levels are
higher than they were ever meant to be. This has
given rise to the birth of many human mutation births.
Some die, some have severe defects… but a few
have extraordinary powers. GENETO is one of these.
He has incredible talents when it comes to genetic manipulation.

DOCTOR WHAT
And the two who attacked us?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS turns and holds up a remote control. A panel on the wall opens to reveal a large monitor. It lights up and a picture of GASSER appears.

PROFESSOR CAESIUS

This is GASSER, one of GENETO’s mutant servants. He can produce a powerful narcotic sleeping gas in his lungs and expel it at will.

The monitor changes to show a photo of YOWIE.

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
This is YOWIE, an Australian mutant
of great physical strength.

WEAPON M
Gaaa! That’s the one that got me!

The monitor changes to show a photo of a man in a steel mask and black robes.

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
This is GENETO himself, the one
who ordered your friend to be taken.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why? We’re not even native to this world.
Why does he want HENDRYK?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
This HENDRYK is French, isn’t he?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes… how did you know that?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
I know a lot of things. In any event, it is a logical deduction.
You see, GENETO has one other power; the ability to dominate
the minds of Frenchmen and make them his servants. He has
his mutant servants roaming all over to find them and bring
them to him… your friend just happened to be in the wrong
place at the wrong time. GENETO has an army of mutants
and Frenchmen under his control. He is the leader of one faction
of the mutants, the one that thinks their powers give them the
right to rule the world. I am on the other side; those that use
their gifts to help mankind. I started this school to gather our
kind together and teach them control and compassion. You have
met two of my associates already. They brought you here.

The door opens, and two people enter. One is obviously the local version of IRON YUPPIE, but her hair is pure white, and her eyes are also blank white. She is clad completely in white.

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
This is SNOW WOMAN. She has the power to create
snowballs out of thin air and hurl them at her enemies.

WEAPON M
(whispering to OTHNIEL)
Is it just me, or is that the lamest
super power you’ve ever heard of?

The other person is the local version of LUAKEL. He is wearing all brown clothing and has a big bag of potatoes slung over his shoulder.

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
This is SPUD BOY, one of my students.
He can throw potatoes with complete accuracy.

WEAPON M
(again whispering to OTHNIEL)
I take it back… that’s the lamest
superpower I’ve ever heard of.

DOCTOR WHAT
And you? Are you a mutant as well?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
Yes. My power is more subtle.
You see, I know almost everything.

DOCTOR WHAT
About what?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
Everything.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… you know almost
everything about everything?

OTHNIEL
What’s the square root of 320, 356?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
566.

OTHNIEL pulls out a calculator and checks it.

OTHNIEL
Uh… right. Damn.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, but… almost everything?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
Yes. I do not know everything. But I do know that GENETO
is planning something big, something to make everyone in the
world take sides in this mutant conflict. He wants the war out
in the open, where he hopes he can win. The capture of your
friend was just a sideline, but whatever he is planning, it will
make it hard to recover your friend, as his security will be very high.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
And once again, our simple little shopping trip turns into a
rescue mission of one of the crew. Just for once, I’d like to
run off and leave them behind. But I suppose we don’t dare
do it… plus, if we do it once, you might do it again if I get
captured, and we certainly can’t lose me, right?

The rest of the away team mutters something that sounds vaguely noncommittal.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, just where is this GENETO at?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
His headquarters are in his Tower of Power outside Ottawa.
But you will not be able to get inside easily. He has dozens
of guards and electronic surveillance methods. I can’t help
you with the guards, but luckily I do know someone who can
help you with the cameras and sensors. I propose that you
take SNOW WOMAN, SPUD BOY, and one of my pilots
with you. I have a stealth plane that will
get you to Ottawa safely. Are we agreed?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes. And once again, we go storming the fortified headquarters
of my evil counterpart near Ottawa. What does this make, 7 times now?

OTHNIEL
8. You forgot that Dies the Fire world where your
counterpart was the Warlord of Ontario.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yeah. He was cool, except for that
whole ‘starting an Eater kingdom’ thing.

IRON YUPPIE
Wait… the Tower of Power? This GENETO
thinks a lot of himself, doesn’t he…

EXT. – MICHIGAN SCHOOL FOR THE GIFTED- AIRFIELD – DAY

The camera pans across a small airfield. It stops on a large hanger with it’s door open. A sleek jet is taxiing out of it. It is obviously a stealthy high-tech ultra-modern plane. The away team, PROFESSOR CAESIUS, SNOW WOMAN, and SPUD BOY are moving across the tarmac. The last two mutants are wearing tight leather commando outfits with a large letter C on the left breast.

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
This will be your transportation to Ottawa.
Now all we need… ah, here he comes now.

The camera switches to another view, and a long black limousine is seen pulling up to the plane. As it comes into close view, it is seen that there is no driver; the car is driving itself. A corporate logo of a mechanical hand against a field of stars is emblazoned on the doors. The car stops in front of the away team, and the door opens. A man steps out; this is HARDWIRE, the local version of DAVE HOWERY. He has been heavily altered, with dozens of electronic devices connected to his body. Wires run in and out of his flesh, and an optical magnifying device covers one eye. He walks over to PROFESSOR CAESIUS and shakes hands with him.

WEAPON M
(whispering to IRON YUPPIE)
We are the Borg, you will be assimilated…

HARDWIRE
(electronically altered voice)
I got your message, professor. I was
able to build this item to help your team.

HARDWIRE hands a small PDA-like device to DOCTOR WHAT, who looks at it and plays with the buttons.

DOCTOR WHAT
Infrared scanner takedown, camera deactivation, heat sensor
shutdown. Yeah, this will be very handy. Hey, is this Tetris?!

He starts playing a game.

HARDWIRE
Good luck, professor.

He gets back into his limousine, which drives away.

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
You are as prepared as much as we can do
for this mission. The pilot knows where
you need to go. Good luck, team.

PROFESSOR CAESIUS turns his wheelchair and moves off camera. The away team and mutants all move towards the plane, except for DOCTOR WHAT, who is still playing Tetris. He is left standing alone until WEAPON M comes back into the scene and drags him away.

INT. – STEALTH PLANE – DAY

The camera pans across the interior of the jet. It has several flight seats, and is clean and obviously high tech. The away team is seen entering. They look around the interior, and finally at the pilot. He is the local version of FELLATIO NELSON, and looks normal, except for a large cricket bat by his seat.

CRICKETEER
Strap yourselves in, lads. Or If you wish I can
do it for you. I have a gentle touch.

The team members all seat themselves and buckle up, as the engines begin to whine.

EXT. – AIRFIELD – DAY

The camera cuts to a high angle over the airfield. The limousine is seen driving off far below. The stealth plane appears from a low angle and flies across the screen.

Fade to black.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – OTTAWA- TOWER OF POWER – DAY

The camera fades in to a scene of a tall building on the edge of the city. It is phallic shaped and made of gleaming white marble.

INT. – TOWER OF POWER- LOUNGE – DAY

The camera pans across a comfortable looking room with chairs and tables. Two of GENETO’s henchmen are seen. One, RABBLE ROUSER (the local version of MEJ) , is in a recliner, reading a magazine. The other, CASANOVA (the local version of ROMULUS AUGUSTUS) , is looking at himself in a mirror on the wall, a pleased expression on his face.

CASANOVA
Looooooking gooooood!! Damn, I am so handsome.
What is it, the shaved head, the clothes, the car? What
is it that makes me so irresistible to any woman I choose?

RABBLE ROUSER
Well, maybe it’s your mutant pheromones… you know,
the ones that make all women want to serve you?

CASANOVA
(looking crestfallen)
It can’t be just that… it’s the whole package.

RABBLE ROUSER
No, it’s pretty much just the mutant pheromones.

CASANOVA
(on the verge of tears)
Well… at least my powers get me girls. Yours
just makes crowds of people go mad with rage.

RABBLE ROUSER
(fanatic gleam in eyes)
Power lies in the masses! He who controls the mob
controls the world! Someday, the oppressed peoples shall…

He stops when GASSER and YOWIE enter the room, HENDRYK still carried unconscious.

RABBLE ROUSER
Ah, another servant for our fearless leader…

INT. – TOWER OF POWER- INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

The camera is tight on HENDRYK’s face. He suddenly startles awake and looks around. The camera pulls back and we see he is in a room with several chairs and a table piled high with lots of awful looking torture devices. HENDRYK is tied to a chair, and two other Frenchmen are also held captive in here. The door opens, and GENETO walks in, with a pair of guards toting assault rifles. He walks over to one of the Frenchmen and talks to him in a strange resonating voice.

GENETO
Frenchman! Hear my words and do my bidding.
Your only desire now is to serve me.

The Frenchman’s face and eyes go slack and expressionless.

FRENCHMAN
Oui, oui, monsieur, I want only to
do your will. Command me.

GENETO
(to guardsman)
Designate this one for work in the reactor
chambers. They die pretty fast down there.

He walks over to the second Frenchman.

GENETO
Frenchman! Listen to my voice.
You now are my servant forever.

The second Frenchman’s eyes go blank as well.

FRENCHMAN
Oui, oui, I am your
‘umble servant, monsieur.

GENETO
(to guard)
This one is pretty spindly looking. Use him for
live target practice for the troops next week.

He walks over to HENDRYK.

GENETO
Frenchman! Hear me. You are in my power,
and will obey my commands.

HENDRYK
You know, that helmet you’re wearing looks very much
like a ceremonial death mask of the 17th Lik-Mei dynasty.

GENETO
Huh? Pay attention! You are my slave,
you will do my bidding…

HENDRYK
The Chinese invented slavery, you know, along with
golf and tennis and gunpowder and bears and…

GENETO
Silence! Pity. Your deep interest in all things Chinese has
diluted your French-ness and made you immune to my power.
I’ll have to do something else with you.
(long pause)
I know! You can feed my cats.

HENDRYK
That doesn’t sound too bad.

The two guards laugh nastily, untie HENDRYK, and drag him out of the room.

INT. – TOWER OF POWER- CAT ROOM – DAY

The camera shows a door that is opened, and the guards with HENDRYK enter the room, followed by GENETO.

The camera pans around the room, showing that most of it is a deep sunken pit; HENDRYK and his guards are standing on a ledge above it. HENDRYK looks down into the pit. The camera follows his gaze, and we see a pair of hungry looking sabertooth tigers looking back up at him.

GENETO
Meet Mynx and Sphynx.

The camera switches to a view of the opposite wall. A door there opens, and DRACONIS NOIR emerges, being driven into the room by two guards with cattle prods. They keep driving him until he topples from the ledge with a scream. Two deep roars are heard, and the scream suddenly cuts off. The camera switches back to HENDRYK, who looks horrified and nauseated.

GENETO
Luckily for you, the cats are having a big meal
right now, and won’t be hungry again until tomorrow.

GENETO and the two guards all laugh, and then HENDRYK is dragged from the room.

EXT. – TOWER OF POWER – DAY

The away team is seen walking into view. They pause and look with disbelief at the phallic shaped Tower off in the distance.

WEAPON M
Good lord… he is really compensating
for something, isn’t he.

SNOW WOMAN
Yes, and I know that for a fact. We used to
date when he was a student at the school.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking embarrassed)
Okay, enough already. Let’s try out this gizmo…

He fiddles with the controls, and pushes some buttons.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm… infrared scanner… shut down.
Security camera… turned off.
Trip wire alarm… deactivated.
Wow, this thing is neat!

WEAPON M
Does it detect guard dogs?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, just electronic items.

WEAPON M
Too bad. You might have seen those two coming.

DOCTOR WHAT looks up to see two huge Rotweilers snarling at the group. One of them charges towards CRICKETEER, but he quickly takes the cricket bat off his back and whacks the dog on the snout three times. That dog runs off yipping, it’s tail between it’s legs. The other dog grabs DOCTOR WHAT by the leg and shakes him viciously. Keys, coins, and porn magazines fall out of his pockets as he is helplessly flailed about. The dog lets go of his leg and starts to go towards his crotch, but an ominous buzzing sound is heard. The dog looks around in curiousity.

The camera switches to a tight shot of IRON YUPPIE’S electrified yoyo shooting out. A loud ZAP is heard.

The camera switches back to the dog, which is smoking, and all its hair standing out on end. It whines briefly, and then falls over. DOCTOR WHAT gets back onto his feet after gathering up all his possessions.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good shot, Yuppie. I hope there aren’t any more of them.
I think I’ve shut down all the security devices on this side
of the building. Let’s get in there and find HENDRYK.

The team moves off towards the building.

INT. – TOWER OF POWER- COM ROOM – DAY

GENETO is seen in a room filled with monitors, radios, and computers. CASANOVA walks in and bows.

CASANOVA
Boss, we have a problem. All of the security devices
on the south side of the complex have gone down. It’s
too focused to be a software glitch. Also, one of our
guard dogs came back whining and hid under a cot,
refusing to come out again. I think we’re being infiltrated.

GENETO
Ah, I sense the hand of my old adversary, PROFESSOR CAESIUS,
in all this. Well, he will not stop the Plan from going through.
Take our forces to the south doorway and meet the intruders head on.

CASANOVA bows and leaves the room. GENETO looks at one of the monitors and quickly punches a code onto a keyboard. The monitor shows an overhead view of Sault Ste. Marie.

GENETO
So, Professor, you think to send your
minions to stop me? Well, you are too late.

GENETO pushes the Enter button on the keyboard, and then laughs ominously.

EXT. – SAULT STE. MARIE – DAY

The camera opens on a scene of a fine sunny day in the town, with people going about their daily business. Several people stop and look around curiously as a low rumbling moves across the town. The rumbling increases to a severe earth shaking, and people start to scream and run. The ground suddenly bursts open at a park, and four huge hands grip the edge of the hole. A gigantic figure slowly climbs into view, a figure with a narrow blonde head and four arms. It climbs out and stands up; it is a giant PARIS HILTON clone, 50’ tall, with four arms that each holds an I-beam as a weapon. The ground bursts open in several other places behind it, and more of the giants climb out into view. The giants look down on the terrified people cowering below them. With shrill bellows of rage, they begin rampaging through the town, stepping on people and hammering buildings with their I-beams.

INT. – MICHIGAN SCHOOL FOR THE GIFTED- COM ROOM – DAY

PROFESSOR CAESIUS is seen in a room lined with monitors and computers. A sudden beeping sound is heard from one monitor and the Professor clicks a button on a remote. The monitor lights up and shows an overhead view of the giants ravaging Sault Ste. Marie.

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
Ah, GENETO, what have you done?!
This is going too far, even for you.

Another monitor beeps and lights up, showing a view of HARDWIRE sitting in a room filled with technical devices.

HARDWIRE
Professor. I assume you have seen
what is going on in Sault Ste. Marie?

PROFESSOR CAESIUS
Yes. GENETO has finally unleashed his plan upon us.
Sault Ste. Marie is only the beginning. If he is not stopped,
his genetic monsters will wreak havoc across the world.
Our last hope is the team now sneaking into his Tower.

HARDWIRE
Yes, hopefully they can stop him. Meanwhile, I will do
what I can to stop the giants in Sault Ste. Marie…
but I don’t know if it will be enough.

The monitor goes dark. PROFESSOR CAESIUS looks at the monitor showing the destruction of Sault Ste. Marie, a grim look on his face.

INT. – TOWER OF POWER- SOUTH ENTRANCE – DAY

The away team is seen cautiously peeking through an open door. They look around, but no one is in sight. The team steps into the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right! We made it all the
way in without being spotted!

With a low growl, YOWIE suddenly drops from the ceiling, landing right in front of DOCTOR WHAT. At the same time, a horde of Frenchmen armed with clubs and knives pours out of a side door, followed by RABBLE ROUSER. He addresses the mob in a voice that echoes strangely and deeply through the room.

RABBLE ROUSER
Members of the oppressed proletariat! We have invaders
who stand in the way of our plans for a glorious new society!
Will you let them steal your future?! NO!! Strike down
the imperialist oppressors now!

The mob of Frenchmen howls with crazed anger and charges towards the away team. Meanwhile, YOWIE is menacing DOCTOR WHAT, claws and teeth bared; he sinks to his knees in fear. YOWIE steps forward to attack him, but is distracted by a voice heard off camera.

WEAPON M (os)
Hey! You! Fuzzy!

YOWIE turns to look at WEAPON M, and his eyes go wide in shock. The camera switches to WEAPON M; he is holding an Uzi in each hand. He empties both guns into YOWIE, who staggers back from the impacts, and then falls down with a pitiful wail.

WEAPON M
Never mess with a postal worker, ya hairy bastard!

The mob of Frenchmen stops their mad charge, looks down at YOWIE in horror, and then run panicking out the door they came in. RABBLE ROUSER has barely moments to scream before he is trampled by the mob.

IRON YUPPIE
Wow, that was fast… even for us. Shall we go on?

The team moves towards a doorway ahead of them. The camera pans ahead of them, and shows GASSER hiding around a corner. His jowls are filling with a gurgling sound. He suddenly lunges around the corner and expels his green cloud of gas. He then stands and watches, looking pleased. After a moment, his look goes from happy to puzzled, and then angry.

The camera switches back to the away team, coming into view as the gas clears. The team members are all wearing gas masks and giving GASSER the finger, big grins on their faces. However, they all suddenly looked panicked and yank the masks off their heads. The camera moves to a close up shot of one of the masks on the floor; the rubber seals around it are corroding away.

The camera switches back to GASSER, who is grinning nastily as his jowls start filling again. His head lunges forward to expel the gas again, but before he can do so, a huge potato lodges itself in his mouth. GASSER looks startled for a moment, then terrified as he tries to dislodge the potato, his jowls filling up more and more.

The camera switches to the away team, looking on in morbid fascination. A loud BANG is heard, and bits and pieces of GASSER’S head fall all around them. The team all look disgusted.

The camera switches back to GASSER, now headless. His body slowly falls backwards and thuds on the ground. The camera switches back to the away team, who are all looking at SPUD BOY in surprise.

SPUD BOY
(pulling out a potato)
Ah, the jumbo russets… gets them every time.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… right. Let’s get moving.

The team walks through a door on the opposite wall.

EXT. – SAULT STE. MARIE – DAY

The camera pans across the town, now in ruins, as the giant PARIS HILTON clones have wrecked many of the buildings. The camera closes in on one giant, who has moved away from the others. It pauses in its rampage and looks up in the sky.

The camera switches to its POV. Seven large mechanical figures are seen dropping out of the sky, jet rockets in the feet slowing their descent. They land heavily just outside the town and stand upright. They are mechs with one arm wielding a huge chainsaw, and the other arm being a mini-gun. All the mechs have HARDWIRE’S corporate logo painted on their chests. They advance forward toward the isolated giant. All seven mechs track the giant with their mini-guns and fire; the giant is shredded and goes down in pieces. The other giants, still a dozen strong, immediately cease their rampages and thunder out of the town to engage the mechs. One mech goes down, hit by two I-beams wielded by one giant, that smash the head of the robot beyond repair. The giants and mechs engage in a melee of chainsaws, guns, and I-beams.

INT. – TOWER OF POWER – DAY

The away team is seen climbing a staircase. The camera focuses on SNOW WOMAN, who stops when she hears a beeping sound. She takes a com device out of her pocket and listens to it for a moment. She puts it away and looks at the others grimly.

SNOW WOMAN
We need to hurry. GENETO has set some
of his creations loose on Sault Ste. Marie.

The team hurries up the stairs.

INT. – TOWER OF POWER- DETENTION CENTER – DAY

The away team walks to the top of the stairs and looks around. They see a long line of cell doors.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, crap. This’ll take all day to search.
Let’s split up and look around.

The team members walk up and down the corridors, looking in through the tiny windows on each door.

The camera follows IRON YUPPIE as she looks through several windows. She looks through the door at the end of the hall. The camera switches to her POV, and we see HENDRYK tied up in the corner, gagged and hooded. IRON YUPPIE tries the door; it’s unlocked. She steps into the room.

INT. – TOWER OF POWER- CELL BLOCK – DAY

IRON YUPPIE walks over to HENDRYK and pulls the hood off his face, then the gag out of his mouth. She starts to cut the ropes from his arms when a voice from off camera is heard.

CASANOVA (os)
Greetings, my pet.

IRON YUPPIE whirls around and sees CASANOVA step out of the shadows.

IRON YUPPIE
Oh joy, another minion. And I haven’t
beaten anybody up in hours…

CASANOVA
You don’t want to beat me up. You want to be mine.
My pheromones have filled this room and you cannot resist me.

HENDRYK
Hah! You think that’ll work on her?!
She’ll chew you up and spit you out
without breaking a sweat!
(pause)
Uh… Yuppie?

The camera switches to IRON YUPPIE, who is looking with vacant eyes at CASANOVA.

IRON YUPPIE
(slurred voice)
Yes. I want him. I must have him.

HENDRYK
Uh, buddy, you really don’t want to do that.

CASANOVA grins at IRON YUPPIE, rather predatory.

CASANOVA
Yes, my pretty one. Come to me, do my bidding.

As if against her will, IRON YUPPIE moves forward slowly, stopping in front of CASANOVA.

CASANOVA
Now, my pet, turn on your comrades.
Go and kill them for me.

IRON YUPPIE slams her fist into CASANOVA’S stomach; he turns green and collapses. IRON YUPPIE then shoves her boot heel onto his neck.

CASANOVA
But…*choke*… how can this *choke* … be?!
You… *choke*… love me!

IRON YUPPIE
(grinding boot into throat)
I LOVE YOU!!!!

HENDRYK
I said you shouldn’t do that, didn’t I?
Damn… no wonder Landshark barely leaves his quarters…

The rest of the away team runs into the cell, drawn by the noise. They stop in shock at the scene.

HENDRYK
(desperately)
Doc, for God’s sake, get me out of here!
She’s horny and violent!

DOCTOR WHAT frantically digs through his pockets and pulls out a communicator. He thumbs the button on it and yells into the speaker.

DOCTOR WHAT
G BONE! G BONE! Lock onto Yuppie
and beam her up! Do you hear me?!

DOCTOR WHAT listens to the communicator, but hears only a loud snoring sound.

DOCTOR WHAT
Goddammit G BONE, wake your lazy ass up!!

G BONE
(through the speaker)
Wha… whozat… huh?

DOCTOR WHAT
Lock onto Yuppie and beam her out! And as soon as
she materializes, run for it! You hear me?!

G BONE
Oh my God! She’s horny and
violent again?! Transporting now…

The camera switches to IRON YUPPIE, who has CASANOVA in a headlock. With a shimmer of colored lights, the couple disappears.

HENDRYK
God, that was close! Oh, and
thanks for the rescue, and all that.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah. All the same though, I think we’ll
wait a while before going back to the ship.
We’ll just let her work out her, uh,
frustrations on the crew up there.

WEAPON M
That’s really unfair to the rest of
the crew… but I agree totally.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get back to the plane. We have some
business in Sault Ste. Marie to take care of.

INT. – TOWER OF POWER- SOUTH ENTRANCE – DAY

The away team is hurrying across the room, but when they are halfway across, the exit door is suddenly flung open. GENETO is standing there, with MYNX and SPHYNX at his sides, snarling viciously. The team stops.

GENETO
So, meddlers, do you think you can invade my house,
kill my servants, and then just leave?!

WEAPON M
Do you think you and your mangy pets can stop us?

GENETO
Perhaps not. But my latest creation certainly can.
Like you, he was a traveler from another timeline.
But I found him and changed him. Meet… CEPHALOBOY!

The west wall of the room suddenly shatters. A huge bulk is seen in the dust. As it clears, a vast and bloated body of pale flesh is seen, with dozens of squirming tentacles. A bulbous head atop the whole creature can be recognized, although twisted and bald, can be recognized as that of LUAKEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh. My. God. You dared to
experiment on a LUAKEL clone?!

GENETO
Yes! And he has been genetically
programmed to obey only me!

DOCTOR WHAT
You stupid stupid fool! Don’t you know that LUAKEL
clones are genetically unstable?! This thing won’t obey anyone!

GENETO hesitates, and looks at CEPHALOBOY. The monster burbles and babbles and rolls itself forward. It gabbles at GENETO for a moment. Then, two of its tentacles snap out and grab MYNX and SPHYNX and shove the unfortunate cats into its wide fanged mouth. GENETO recoils in shock.

GENETO
Oh dear God. What have I done?!

GENETO takes out a small PDA like device and quickly punches in a code on it. However, as he does so, one of the tentacles reaches out and wrap around his ankle. GENETO screams as he is dragged away. DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON M grab him, but are unable to pull him free. As they struggle, GENETO pushes the device into DOCTOR WHAT’S hand.

GENETO
Take this… it’s the only way to stop him.

With a final wail of terror, GENETO is pulled into CEPHALOBOY’S mouth. The away team backs away in fear. DOCTOR WHAT glances at the PDA.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes! Okay, everyone, run for it!

The away team sprints out the open door. CEPHALOBOY finishes chewing, looks at them and rolls towards the door.

EXT. – TOWER OF POWER – DAY

The away team is seen running away from the tower. A loud crashing sound makes them stop and look behind them. The camera switches to their POV, and we see CEPHALOBOY is trying to squeeze his way out of the door. He is much too large to do so, but the frame around it is crumbling. The camera switches back to DOCTOR WHAT, who holds up the PDA. With a grim look, he pushes a button on it.

The camera switches back to the tower. With a loud explosion, the tower erupts into flame and smoke. The building collapses down onto CEPHALOBOY, crushing him into goo. Flames shoot up from the wreckage.

The camera switches back to the away team, who are looking rather grim.

SNOW WOMAN
All those poor people inside…
but we really had no choice.

WEAPON M
Yeah… but hey, most of them
were just Frenchmen, so no loss.

HENDRYK
Hey!!

DOCTOR WHAT
Come on, people, let’s get the plane up and
running. We have one last thing to do.

OTHNIEL
Just out of curiosity, why do your evil counterparts
always have self destruct devices in their fortresses?
We use those against them almost every time.

HENDRYK
Character flaw. Call it a blind spot.

EXT. – SAULT STE. MARIE – DAY

The camera pans across the battlefield, littered with the remains of mechs and giants. Only one mech and two giants are left standing, both battered and dismembered. The mech has only its chainsaw left, and faces two giants each wielding a single I-beam. The giants attack simultaneously. The mech manages to dodge one I-beam and slices the head from one giant, but the I-beam swung by the other giant crushes the mech’s head. It goes down sparking and burning. The lone giant howls in triumph. Moments later, a pair of missiles hurtle into the scene and slam into the giant’s back. It goes down with a groan, dead.

INT. – STEALTH PLANE – DAY

The away team members all whoop and cheer.

DOCTOR WHAT
Nice shootin’ Tex!

CRICKETEER
Thanks. I practice a lot.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, we got HENDRYK back, we got most of our shopping done,
and we saved the world… again. Damn, are we good or what?

OTHNIEL
I’d go with ‘or what’. Most of the time,
we just stumble our way through and luck out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, it’s our trademark. But hey, any day you walk away
without getting your asses kicked is a good day.

The final scene shows the stealth jet flying into the setting sun. Fade to black.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTER ROOM – NIGHT

The away team shimmers into view. They look around cautiously. G BONE is at the controls, sporting a huge black eye and a sour look.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hi. Ah. Didn’t run fast enough, did you?

G BONE
Nope. You’d think anyone wouldn’t be able to catch you
when you are still materializing, but she managed it somehow.

DOCTOR WHAT
So… is it safe yet?

G BONE
Yeah, Yuppie stormed into her quarters with some guy
held in a death grip. Boy, I never saw a grown man
cry so much. But she came out a few hours later and
said she was fine, it had ‘worn off.’

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh thank God.

G BONE
You guys have a good time?

DOCTOR WHAT
If you call nearly getting killed by an evil alternate
version of yourself funf…damn. Didn’t that just
happen too? Alright, who’s up for drinks at the Hub?

A weary cheer is raised.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- IRON YUPPIE’S QUARTERS – DAY

IRON YUPPIE is seen in the living room, tidying up. LANDSHARK walks in.

LANDSHARK
Uh, babe, how many prisoners do you
have tied up in your pleasure chamber?

IRON YUPPIE
Just the three. No wait, there are four now.
Let’s see… DRACONIS NOIR, NRED, and
REDROVER from that ‘After Cuba’ timeline,
and now CASANOVA. Yep, four. Why?

LANDSHARK
Because there are five people in there.

IRON YUPPIE and LANDSHARK walk out of the room.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- YUPPIE’S PLEASURE CHAMBER – DAY

LANDSHARK and IRON YUPPIE walk into the room, still decorated in medieval torture chamber style. IRON YUPPIE looks around the room. One wall has DRACONISNOIR, NRED, REDROVER, and CASANOVA handcuffed to it. The first three look dull and resigned to their fate. The last one seems shattered and broken, sobbing endlessly. IRON YUPPIE looks around the rest of the room and sees another figure chained to the opposite wall. The two walk over to him; it is LUAKEL, with a blank horrified expression on his face.

IRON YUPPIE
What the hell?! This isn’t one of mine.

LANDSHARK
Good God, you never noticed him before?
How long do you think he’s been here?

IRON YUPPIE
Well… uh… I don’t… damn it,
I don’t look at faces that closely!

LANDSHARK
Oh dear God, he’s seen everything you’ve
been up to in here lately! The poor kid…

IRON YUPPIE
Now, now, he’ll get better, with lots of therapy.

IRON YUPPIE releases LUAKEL from the chains. He immediately curls up on the floor in a fetal position and sucks his thumb. The final scene is a close up of his blank empty eyes.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – THE HUB – THE PUB – DAY

IAN is polishing the bar top, when two figures in cloaked hoods sit down before the seat. One is larger and the other smaller and we can’t see their faces.

LARGER FIGURE
Drink.

IAN smiles, sliding a heavy ceramic mug before the LARGER FIGURE and a bowl before the SMALLER FIGURE.

SMALLER FIGURE
What is this?

IAN
Watermelon.

SMALLER FIGURE
It’s good.

IAN
I’ve noticed you and your friend
around here a few times.

LARGER FIGURE
(hostile)
What we do is our own business.

SMALLER FIGURE sets calming hand upon the LARGER FIGURE.

SMALLER FIGURE
We’re meeting friends.

IAN
(grins)
Well, welcome to the Pub in the Hub.
If there is anything you need, feel free to ask.
(walks off to help another customer)

LARGER FIGURE
He is too inquisitive.

SMALLER FIGURE
He runs this entire place, the Hub.

LARGER FIGURE
Surely we can do this in another place?

SMALLER FIGURE
What better place than in the heart of all the Universes?

LARGER FIGURE
It’s because he’s always here, isn’t it?

SMALLER FIGURE
That is none of your business.

There is a long silence.

LARGER FIGURE
I think they are here.

Camera pans and we see a small group of large cloaked figures. They are standing near a corner table.

LARGER FIGURE
They should come to us.

SMALLER FIGURE
Then it would attract to much attention.

LARGER FIGURE
This is unseemly.

The two figures get up and move toward the small group of cloaked figures.

The two groups look at one another.

One figure from the second group pull off his hood, we see he’s got a heavy brow and thick featured, LONWIS TROB.

LONWIS TROB
(haughty tones)
Is this the one?

LARGER FIGURE
Quiet worm.
This is the Mistress of the Worlds
you are talking to!

The SMALLER FIGURE pulls back the hood of her cloak and we see that it’s ATTA . The LARGER FIGURE beside her is ADIKOR.

The cloaked group pauses and stares.

LONWIS TROB
You live?

ATTA
The Great Destroyer has found us out.
He is coming after us again.

The group wails.

LONWIS TROB
Then what are we to do?

ATTA
But he is alone. He is lost from his universe and
travels across the worlds looking for home. It is
time that the Great Empire be restored, we have
for too many years been disunited and scattered to the winds.

The cloaked men slowly nod and agree, and then they drop to their knees.

LONWIS TROB
Command us, Mistress.

ATTA
We rebuild the empire and we destroy our enemies.
(a beat)
My child and heir shall rule over an empire that
does not know the fear of the Destroyer.

Pull back and we see ATTA set her hand upon a clearly visible stomach.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS