TEASER
EXT.-DESOLATE DESERT WASTELAND-DAY
We see a group of individuals wearing desert robes and riding on camels running full speed across the sand. We pan in close to see them to be MATT, DIAMOND, and DOCTOR WHAT. Several hundred yards behind them is a large group of screaming, sword-carrying soldiers dressed in black robes, all riding horses.
MATT
I can’t believe we managed to get out of that prison!
DIAMOND
I can’t believe it either! That lever to open the
doors was rusted shut! Doc—how did you
manage to get it to work?
DOCTOR WHAT
I ran a Physical Impulse Mechanical Stress Routine.
DIAMOND
Huh?
DOCTOR WHAT
I hit it with a rock.
DIAMOND
Ahhhh…
DOCTOR WHAT
(looks behind him)
Well—now that we have half of the Tark’ai Army
after us, I think Plan A is pretty much fucked up now…
MATT
(grimly)
Then it’s time for Plan B.
DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at MATT)
(incredulous voice)
We have a Plan B?!
MATT
(even more grimly)
No, but it’s time for one….
DOCTOR WHAT
Ahhhh….
REVERSE SHOT: The three camels riding into the sunset. About a minute later, several hundred horsemen ride after them.
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“AVE, B’HARNY”
Written By : DOCTOR WHAT
ACT I
EXT. – SPACE – AH. COM SHIP – DAY
The Ah.com ship is in orbit around a familiar looking blue-green planet.
INT. – AH. COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
We see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, DIAMOND, KIT, LANDSHARK, DAVE HOWERY, WEAPON M and PSYCHOMELTDOWN sitting around the table.
DOCTOR WHAT
What do your scans show, LEO?
LEO
Most intriguing. I’m reading little or no pollution
in the atmosphere, virtually no evidence of any
kind of armed conflicts occurring and surprisingly
high levels of living standards in virtually
every corner of the globe.
LANDSHARK
So—a perfect happy smiling place filled
with perfect happy smiling people.
(beat)
Ok—what’s wrong with it?
LEO
Can’t seem to find anything wrong with it. Except….
KIT
Except…what?
LEO
There seems to be some rather strange demographics
when it comes to age categories. There seems to be
a lot less people over the age of 40 then one would expect.
DOCTOR WHAT
Any ideas why?
LEO
None whatsoever, I’m afraid.
DOCTOR WHAT
No worries. We’ll zip on down and check it out
and then come right back up. No problems.
LANDSHARK
(rolling eyes)
Where have I heard that before?
KIT
Relax Sharky—we’ll take Doc with us.
LANDSHARK
(sotto voice)
Now we’re really screwed…
EXT.-EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE-DAY
We see the shuttle ‘Muad’Dib’ flying through a cloudbank.
INT.-SHUTTLE-DAY
We see MATT at the controls. Next to him is LANDSHARK. Behind them are DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE, KIT and PSYCHOMELTDOWN.
MATT
Where to, Doc?
DOCTOR WHAT
According to Leo’s scans, Dallas seems to be
the capital of the U.S. here, judging by the
high number of government-like comm signals
coming from it. We’ll land in the city outskirts
and make our way in by foot.
LANDSHARK
Hey—what’s wrong with the
teleporters THIS week, by the way?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging shoulders)
G.BONE said something about
doing ‘routine maintenance’.
INT-AH.COM SHIP-TELEPORTER ROOM-DAY
We see G. BONE at the controls. We see a small parakeet in a cage on the teleporter pads. He presses a few buttons and—with a small popping sound—the cage and the bird disappears. G. BONE presses a few more buttons. The cage and the parakeet rematerialize—only the cage is completely ripped apart—and the parakeet is now 10 feet high and covered in bony spikes. G.BONE stares in shock at the bird.
GIANT MUTATED PARAKEET
SQUUUUUUU-AAACK!!!
INT.-AH.COM SHIP-CORRIDOR OUTSIDE TELEPORTER ROOM-DAY
G.BONE (o.v.)
Oh god! Nooooo! Stay back!
Nooooo! AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH—!
INT.-SHUTTLE-DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging shoulders again)
I’m sure he’s got everything under control.
EXT.-DALLAS, TEXAS –DAY
We see the ah.commers—DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, LANDSHARK, KIT, IRONYUPPIE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN walking down a street marked ‘Greenville Avenue’. A large park lies ahead. A nearby sign says ‘Fair Oaks Park’. They walk into it.
KIT
Never seen such a clean lake before like—
what was the name of that place we landed at?-
MATT
White Rock Lake.
KIT
–like that one before. And have you noticed
all the people we’ve passed by? They all
look like they’re on happy pills.
LANDSHARK
Bloody half-witted colonials if you ask me.
Everyone is just all ‘happy happy, joy joy’.
What happened to good old fashioned
mean-spiritedness and sarcasm? Do we Brits
have to teach these Yanks everything?
DOCTOR WHAT
I actually like all this, to be honest. It’s been
a while since we found a world where nobody
or no thing is trying to kill us. I, for one, am
fed up of dying. Twice is more than enough.
LANDSHARK
(sotto voice)
Third time’s the charm….
KIT
Oh come on Doc—it’s not like they try to
kill us on EVERY world. How many timelines
have we been in where they’ve tried to do that?
DOCTOR WHAT
Six hundred and seventy-eight.
KIT
You see?! That’s BARELY seventy percent of them.
The ah.commers pass by a statue. All six of them stop, do a double take and walk slowly back. They take a long look at the statue.
It’s a large statue of Barney the Dinosaur standing on top of a ten foot high steel pedestal. As they’re staring at the statue, we hear a loud ‘DONG-DONG’ sound emanating from the statue. All of the people in the park suddenly stop what they’re doing and turn to face the statue. The face of the pedestal suddenly opens up to reveal a huge TV screen. On the TV screen is Barney the Dinosaur. All the passersby in the park suddenly break into near ecstatic smiles. Barney suddenly starts singing.
BARNEY
I love you,
You love me,
We’re a happy family,
with a great big hug,
and a kiss from me to you,
Won’t you say you love me TOO!
I love you,
You love me,
We’re best friends like friends should be,
With a great big hug,
And a kiss from me to you,
Won’t you say you love me too.
Park people all smile and applaud. The ah.commers stare in shock at all this.
BARNEY
Remember children—be happy. Bye-bye!
TV screen goes blank.
LANDSHARK
Well. THAT was rather nauseating…
A female passerby hears this. She turns in shock in LANDSHARK’s direction. She points her finger at the ah.commers.
FEMALE PASSERBY
UNBELIEVER!
She turns to the other passersby.
FEMALE PASSERBY
We have unbelievers here!
All the other park people stare at the ah.commers in shock for a few seconds—then turn very angry and start marching towards the ah.commers.
DOCTOR WHAT
(staring angrily at LANDSHARK)
Six hundred and seventy-NINE
The ah.commers run—followed very closely by several dozen people chasing them.
EXT.- STREET-DAY
We see the ah.commers running down a street. There are now about one hundred screaming people chasing them. Pedestrians ahead of the ah.commers hear the shouts of ‘Unbelievers!’ coming from the screaming people and move to intercept them. The ah.commers rush down a small side street. We hear sirens and a purple police car turns a corner ahead of them. IRONYUPPIE throws her Yo-Yo at the car, hitting one of the tires. It careens out of control and smashes into a store front window. Two more purple police cars can be seen coming down the street.
DOCTOR WHAT
(pointing down an alley)
This way!
DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE, MATT and KIT rush down the alley. Just as LANDSHARK and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are about to follow them, a barrage of gunfire rakes the ground in front of them, forcing them backwards—right into the hands of a large group of screaming people.
EXT-ALLEYWAY-DAY
We see DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE, MATT and KIT running down the alley. They come to a dead end.
MATT
Damn! Back the way we came!
They turn around—only to see about a dozen or so people running down the alley towards them. There’s a very large crowd at the far end of the alley. Some of them are shouting and pointing down the alley at the ah.commers.
MATT
This is going to get messy…
The ah.commers move to intercept the group running down the alley but just as they do so, two figures in black ninja-like clothes rappel down a wall between the two groups.
The onrushing crowd stop in confusion at this appearance.
FIRST NINJA
(distorted voice)
Get them out of here. I’ll hold them off!
SECOND NINJA
(distorted voice)
Understood!
Second ninja turns to the ah.commers.
SECOND NINJA
Come with me if you want to live.
The SECOND NINJA pulls out a large gun-like object that has a grappling hook on it. It gets fired upwards and attaches itself to the ledge of a nearby rooftop, trailing a thick rope behind it.
SECOND NINJA
Everyone—hold onto me!
The four ah.commers grab the figure. The figure presses a button on the gun and all five get launched upwards as the rope gets reeled in.
While all this is happening the FIRST NINJA attacks the crowd.
FIRST NINJA
Ayaya-lalalalalala!
The ninja runs towards the crowd and somersaults over them, landing behind them. There’s a moment of confusion as the crowd turns around. The ninja takes advantage of the confusion and rushes into the crowd, kicking and judo-chopping the crowd. In ten seconds the ninja is the only one standing—surrounded by a group of unconscious and semi-conscious people lying on the ground.
The ah.commers on the rooftop have witnessed all of this.
DOCTOR WHAT
Am I the only one who got aroused by all that?
IRONYUPPIE
No.
There’s another group of people rushing down the alley—this one containing at least 30 people. The FIRST NINJA throws down an object in front of the crowd. A bright flash of light and a large smoke cloud suddenly appears in front of them. Taking advantage of the confusion, the FIRST NINJA pulls out a gun with a grappling hook on it and fires it at the same rooftop the ah.commers are on. Within a few seconds the ninja has joined them and the entire gang run off across rooftops.
INT.-PRISON-DAY
We see a dingy and decrepit prison. There are many unidentifiable dark stains on the walls and floors. It’s quite dark and we hear in the background many low moans and groans and the occasional scream. We see a large group of grim-looking guards—in purple uniforms—leading LANDSHARK and PSYCHOMELTDOWN down a corridor. Both of the ah.commers look like they’ve been beaten up a bit. They get pushed into an equally dark and dingy small room and tied up in chairs facing a large desk containing three empty seats. Three guards remain at attention in the room. A few seconds later, three people in purple judge robes come into the room and sit at the empty seats.
GUARD #1
The honorable Interrogators
Chunkymonkey, Chingo and Kidblast!
INTERROGATOR CHINGO
(looking through a file folder in his hands)
The charges are blasphemy, sedition, and
holding heretical beliefs. The trial will now begin…
INTERROGATOR CHUNKYMONKEY
I hold in my hand statements from 57 witnesses
who claim to have heard the defendants mock
the Holy Word of Barney!
INTERROGATOR KIDBLAST
The two individuals resisted arrest,
clearly indicating guilt.
INTERROGATOR CHINGO
The trial is now over. The two individuals
have been found guilty.
(hits gavel on stand)
LANDSHARK
Hey! What kind of bullshit is this? Don’t
we have a chance to defend ourselves?
All the judges and guards in the room laugh hysterically for a full minute.
INTERROGATOR CHINGO
(wiping tears from eyes)
Ah man—that was really amusing! I needed
that laugh! Just for that—I’ve decided to be
merciful—instead of immediate execution,
you two will be executed tomorrow morning
instead. Take away the prisoners!
Guards untie LANDSHARK and PSYCHOMELTDOWN and drag them away.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay. How many times have we been
sentenced to execution for mocking
the beliefs of some culture?
LANDSHARK
More than I can count.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Maybe we should stop doing it…
LANDSHARK
(scoffing)
These people need to be mocked
just for wearing purple with out
the necessary blue pleated skirt.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN looks confused.
LANDSHARK
Bloody Colonial. No sense of fashion.
INT.-ABANDONED WAREHOUSE-DAY
The two ninjas—and the ah.commers—come into the warehouse. They come to a trapdoor and open it. They motion the ah.commers down it. The trapdoor is shut behind them.
INT-BASEMENT ROOM-DAY
We see the ah.commers milling around. The two ninjas are there. They take off their facemasks. We see that the two of them are females aged 30 or so.
NINJA #1
Allow me to introduce ourselves—
I am KILNGIRL. My colleague is SBEGIN.
SBEGIN
Hello there. And you are…?
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m DOCTOR WHAT—these are my friends
MATT, IRONYUPPIE, and KIT.
KILNGIRL
Any enemies of Barney are friends of ours.
I take it you’re not from around here?
DOCTOR WHAT
That would be a safe assumption.
What’s going on here anyway?
KILNGIRL
You must be from outer space or something
if you don’t know what’s going on here!
DOCTOR WHAT
Actually we only work in outer space—
we’re originally from Earth. Or rather—
different versions of Earth.
SBEGIN
Huh?
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s a very long story—first yours.
KILNGIRL and SBEGIN exchange a glance. SBEGIN shrugs her shoulders. KILNGIRL turns back to the ah.commers.
KILNGIRL
It all started back in the late 1980’s. There
was this kid’s show that had a purple dinosaur
as the star. Typical stupid little kid show—more
dumb and annoying than usual but nobody really
noticed. But for some weird reason it was very
popular. You couldn’t get the kids to stop watching
the damn thing! The damn thing was even translated
into different languages! Oh, if only
we saw the signs beforehand!
(shakes head sadly)
Anyway-it got so bad that people started making
jokes about it being evil and corrupting the youth
of the world. Well—it turned out that they were
right. You see—what was happening was this—the
TV signals were broadcasting a subliminal message.
The more you watched, the more ingrained the
subliminal message became. It was a very clever
and devious plan.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wait a minute—are you saying that the
Barney shows were beaming secret mind c
ontrol messages to the kids watching the show?
KILNGIRL
Yes exactly! And it was a very clever message—
one designed not to be activated for ten years—
when the first batch of kids would be in their
late teens. Ten years after the show debuted,
there was a big ‘Ten Year Special’ show.
That’s when the message was activated.
MATT
What message was that?
KILNGIRL
“Barney is your Master and all who oppose him
are to be eliminated. Take over the world!”
IRONYUPPIE
You got to be kidding me….
KILNGIRL
I wish I was. The sad thing was that a lot of the kids
had made their parents watch the show with them
while they were growing up. The message wasn’t
as ingrained in them as much as the kids but many
fell prey to the order as well. In a space of three weeks,
the Followers of Barney had seized control of the
governments and military in over a dozen countries.
Two dozen other countries were being torn apart by
civil war. In a matter of months the whole world was taken over.
SBEGIN
But fortunately many of us were able to fool the children
into thinking that we are on their side. Like us, many of the
mothers of the children affected have banded together secretly
and have formed a rebellion group. Mothers by day—revolutionaries
by night. Nobody expects simple housewives and single mothers
to fight a war, so we have the element of surprise. We’ve trained
ourselves to fight in all forms of armed and unarmed combat.
We do our best to disrupt Barney’s influence and power. It’s
been an uphill struggle but we continue to fight the good fight.
MATT
Wow! That’s amazing! By the way—
do you people have a name for your group?
KILNGIRL
Yes—the Committee for the Liberation and
Independence from the Totalitarian Overlords
and the Replacement of an Integrated Society.
SBEGIN
C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S. for short.
DOCTOR WHAT pulls out his communicator.
DOCTOR WHAT
Maybe we can kill two birds with one stone—
help you out and rescue our friends at the same time.
(speaks into communicator)
LEO? Can you hear me? We’re going to need some help here.
(silence)
LEO?
INT-AH.COM ENGINEERING ROOM-DAY
We see DAVE HOWERY, DIAMOND, FLOC and WEAPON M holding BFGs. Every single one of them looks bruised, battered and bleeding from various wounds. MICHAEL is on the ground unconscious. TORQ is hard at work fixing his injuries. OTHNIEL is kneeling on the ground, praying.
The door to the engineering room is not only closed but it appears to have been barricaded with whatever items that weren’t nailed down in the engineering room as well.
We suddenly see a large dent appear on the door. Several large dents appear in quick succession. Coming from outside the door can be heard a loud SQUUUUUUUAAACK!!!
WEAPON M
(grimly)
Gentlemen—if we don’t survive—
I just want to say that it has been an
honour and privilege serving with all of you.
(beat)
(gets better grip on his gun)
For freedom!
ALL
FREEDOM!
More large dents appear on the engineering door. It starts to buckle from the onslaught. We see one of the hinges pops loose.
INT-BASEMENT ROOM-DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
(fiddling with comm. unit)
Hmmm….no answer.
MATT
Bah! They’re probably having a
party and LEO is with them.
DOCTOR WHAT
Totally unprofessional of them.
(beat)
Mind you—DAVE tends to make some
awesome chili for those parties. Hope
there’s some left for us when we get back.
(turning towards the two C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S. members)
Looks like we’re going to do this without
our shipmate’s help—but don’t worry—
we very resourceful.
IRONYUPPIE
Yea—we’re stuck on our own so many
times we sort of had to learn how to do so.
KILNGIRL
This is all …uh… very interesting but WHO
are you people and what’s all this stuff
about ‘alternate earths’?
DOCTOR WHAT
Long story. It’s like this…
END ACT I
ACT II
INT.-PRISON CELL-DAY
We see a dark and dingy prison cell. The only illumination comes from a small dim lightbulb on the ceiling. LANDSHARK and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are sitting in the cell.
LANDSHARK
So—once again—I end up in a
prison cell. Ye Gods—I hate this.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I thought you’ll be used to being handcuffed,
gagged and restrained because of IRONYUPPIE?
LANDSHARK
Yes—but not facing imminent pain and death!
(thinks about this for a moment)
Well—ok, maybe the pain—but
definitely not the death part!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well—I wouldn’t worry. The rest of the gang
must know we’ve been captured. They’re probably
mounting a rescue expedition as we speak.
LANDSHARK
Relying our fate in the hands of an insane
porn-obsessed Canuck, a gun-crazed Yank,
a feisty but sadistic blonde Amazon Valkyrie
and a sex-obsessed Welshman?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You forgot the gay part.
LANDSHARK
I already said he was Welsh—
the gay part is redundant.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
They’ve come through for us before.
LANDSHARK
Only a matter of time before they fail.
(clutches his heart with his hands—uses Dramatic Actor voice)
Oh— a rakishly handsome Englishman from
the North East traveling the Multiverse fighting
injustice, righting wrongs and blowing things up.
To be struck down in the height of his glory!
(really gets into his Moment—goes for the Oscar)
Is this not a crime to the Multiverse? Nay! To all
of Creation itself?! I ask you—I implore you—
surely there must be some way for this brilliant
and oh so modest Englishman to escape from
the confines of this oppressive prison?!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Taking a closer look at the door)
I really don’t see a way that we can get out of here….
(beat)
Hey—what’s this? Some kind of lever—
that seems to be connected to the door…
LANDSHARK
What? There’s a way out?!
(rushes to door)
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(smiling)
No—not really—just kidding.
How’s that for a joke?
LANDSHARK
How’s having all thirty plus feet of your
small intestine yanked out your anus sound?
VOICE (o.v.)
Quiet down there! We’re doing some torturing here
and all that jabbering is sort of ruining the moment!
ANOTHER VOICE (o.v.)
Some people—no respect for basic decorum.
These days it’s all about ‘me, me, me’!
VOICE (o.v.)
I blame it all on all this newfangled ‘rock music’.
ANOTHER VOICE (o.v.)
I agree—by the way—word of advice? You really
won’t get any information out of me by holding the
branding iron like that. You got to do the thrust and
follow through to get the maximum amount of pain and discomfort.
VOICE (o.v.)
Why thank you!
(embarrassed tone of voice)
It’s my first week as a torturer….
ANOTHER VOICE (o.v.)
You’re doing fine—lots of potential there, boy….
INT-BASEMENT ROOM-DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
…and that’s our story.
Long pause from KILNGIRL and SBEGIN. KILNGIRL turns to SBEGIN.
KILNGIRL
Do we REALLY need their help to do this?
SBEGIN
(resigned voice)
I’m afraid so.
KILNGIRL
Damn!
She turns back to the ah.commers’ direction.
KILNGIRL
We’ll love…er…like…er…accept your
offer of assistance. We have a good idea
where your friends may be being held.
We’ll take you there and help you break them out.
DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you
KILNGIRL
Pity you can’t help us take out Barney—
but then again, nobody can.
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? What do you mean? Can’t you people
just shoot him or blow him up or something?
KILNGIRL
You think if it were that easy we
would have done so already? No—unfortunately—
Barney is not…human.
DOCTOR WHAT
Er—what do you mean by that?
KILNGIRL
Exactly that—he’s not a guy dressed in a costume
but something else entirely. Some people say he’s
some kind of monster; others say that he’s some kind of demon;
a few think he’s a creature from another dimension.
The only thing we do know is that bullets and
bombs have virtually no effect on him—trust me; we tried.
DOCTOR WHAT
Any ideas what does affect him?
KILNGIRL
Yes—certain mystical books speak of one weapon
that can destroy a creature called “B’harny”—a
creature whose description matches that of Barney
precisely. That weapon is a sword known as the
‘Gladius ad Interficendum B’harny’.
DOCTOR WHAT
And where is this…gladius?
KILNGIRL
Rumor has it that Barney himself stole it
from a vault under the Vatican and
secreted it inside his lair.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ooooo-kay….
SBEGIN
I’ll hold down the fort here but
I know someone who can be of
immense help to your rescue attempt.
KILNGIRL
Uh—you sure we need him?
SBEGIN
I know that he’s not very…stable—but
if you do this, you’re going to need some
serious combat backup.
He fits the bill perfectly.
KILNGIRL
You got a point there—but I’m still a
little uncomfortable with including him…
SBEGIN
I know but he HAS been taking his meds
regularly so it shouldn’t be too much trouble.
(turns behind her)
LUAKEL! Get in here! We have a job for you!
zLUAKEL comes in. He’s in full combat uniform and carrying a VERY large gun. His hair is closely cropped and he has a deep scar cutting across his face from the top of his left eyebrow diagonally across to his right ear. He’s smiling.
LUAKEL
You got a job for me?!? ALRIGHT!!
I finally get to kill some motherfucking
motherfuckers!! Yeah! Fuck yeah!!
I can hardly wait to use this baby
to gut me some bastards!
(starts fondling his rifle)
Oh yeah baby—you and I are
going to have so much fun…..
MATT stares at LUAKEL for a second—then walks over to him and puts his arm around him.
MATT
Awwww Doc—can we keep him? Can I?
Huh? Can I? I promise to take care of him…
IRONYUPPIE
Are you even sure he’s housebroken?
DOCTOR WHAT
No-we’re not keeping him!
We’ve already got a luakel of our own!
MATT
(pouting)
But I like this one better!
Our Lukel just sits in front of the
television and tries to steal our porn.
KILNGIRL
Move out everyone!
Everyone climbs back up the ladder.
EXT- BUILDING-EVENING
We see a small (roughly seven story) reddish-orange building. It is surrounded by a rather large electrified fence. We see a small sign nearby with the words (written in blood red letters) “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate”. There are two guards at attention.
We see several dark figures on a small nearby hill.
MATT
That building looks really familiar.
KILNGIRL
Used to be called the Texas School
Book Depository building.
MATT
Barney is using the building from where
Kennedy was shot from as his headquarters?!
KIT
He’s really milking this whole
‘Evil Supervillain’ thing, isn’t he?
DOCTOR WHAT
(rolls eyes)
What do you expect with that whole
“Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”
line on the sign—written in Latin no less.
IRONYUPPIE
Seems like a rather small building to be
used as a prison and global headquarters.
KILNGIRL
It’s a lot bigger underneath. Supposedly there’s
a whole underground base beneath it. Come on!
The group slowly creeps their way towards the building.
KILNGIRL
Okay—let me handle the guards.
Get ready to move when I tell you.
The two guards are still at attention. Suddenly, from out of the darkness, they see KILNGIRL (dressed in her black ninja costume) come running towards them.
KILNGIRL
Ayaya-lalalalalala!
KILNGIRL somersaults over the shocked guards and in less than a second knocks both of them out cold. She picks up a keycard off one of the guards and uses it to open the gates.
KILNGIRL
Move it, guys!
The rest of the gang rush forth. MATT and IRONYUPPIE stop briefly to grab weapons off the unconscious guards before following KILNGIRL, DOCTOR WHAT and KIT into the building. LUAKEL gives the guards a few kicks into their kidneys before moving on.
INT-PRISON-NIGHT
LANDSHARK and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are still in their cells.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So Sharky—how do you think they’re going to kill us?
LANDSHARK
What do you mean ‘we’?
I have no intention whatsoever of dying.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh—you mean you got a plan to escape?
LANDSHARK
No—but I’m not going to die.
I’ve discovered the secret to immortality.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh?
LANDSHARK
Yes. Some men achieve immortality
through great deeds. Others through
great words. I indeed to achieve it
by simply not dying.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I sense a flaw in your reasoning…
LANDSHARK
Laugh now but just you see. Immortality
for me is just a snap of my fingers away.
(snaps fingers)
At that precise moment a massive explosion blows open the main doors to the prison complex. Several of the guards (those who were not knocked unconscious by the blast) rush to the opening of the wall. There are the sounds of several loud grunts and all of the guards get knocked backwards and fall to the ground unconscious.
LANDSHARK
(looking at his hand in stunned admiration)
I HAVE THE POWER!
IRONYUPPIE (o.v.)
Who has the power, my pet?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN and LANDSHARK look up. Walking calmly through the smoke is IRONYUPPIE, carrying an M-16 rifle.
LANDSHARK
(very quickly)
You do, honey!
IRONYUPPIE
Clearly I have been neglectful in my…discipline.
Marching in behind her through the smoke is MATT (carrying a RPG launcher) , LUAKEL (still carrying his big gun) , DOCTOR WHAT (holding a pistol in much the same way you would hold a dead rat) , KIT (holding a rifle) and KILNGIRL (no visible weapons) .
DOCTOR WHAT
Much as I like happy reunions there is the small
matter of the, you know, 450 guards still in the
building. Can we move this along please? You
can beat him up later in your own quarters, IY.
LANDSHARK
(turning to IRONYUPPIE)
Promise?
IRONYUPPIE
Perhaps. Stand back.
The lock to the cell door gets broken apart with IRONYUPPIE’S Yo-Yo. The two ah.commers rush out the cell.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What’s the plan?
DOCTOR WHAT
Run like scared bunny rabbits back up and
blowing up anybody and anything that gets
in our way and hope that we don’t get our asses kicked.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh—the usual plan.
They rush off.
INT-UNDERGROUND CORRIDOR-NIGHT
We see two elevators. We hear the sounds of massive gunfire and the occasional explosion off-screen for several seconds. The ah.commers come running around a corner at full speed and rush towards the elevator. LANDSHARK starts hammering away at the elevator buttons while MATT, LUAKEL and IRONYUPPIE return fire at their pursuers.
LANDSHARK
(still hammering away at the buttons)
Come on, you bloody stupid piece of crap!
MATT
I don’t know how much longer
we can hold them off!
A light appears above one of the elevators. A few seconds later, the doors open to reveal a young soldier in his mid-20s. A small name tag on his chest is written ‘Wozza’.
WOZZA
What the -?!
LANDSHARK and MATT each grab one arm of WOZZA and throw him out of the elevator, sending him sprawling on the ground. LUAKEL rushes over and gives WOZZA a kick in the kidneys.
DOCTOR WHAT
You like doing that a lot, don’t you?
LUAKEL
(smiling)
Yup!
LANDSHARK
Everyone—get your arses in here!
LUAKEL
Damn it! I wanted to kill someone!
I wanted to kill someone really,
really, really badly! It’s not fair!!
Everyone rushes into the elevator. The doors shut just as several soldiers come around the corner.
INT.-ELEVATOR-DAY
LANDSHARK
Fuck!
MATT
What?
LANDSHARK
We’re going down! That moron
must have pushed the down button!
KILNGIRL
Oh no! We’re going down into the Inner Sanctum!
We REALLY don’t want to be down there!
Certain death awaits us there!
MATT
Nothing we can do about it now! Certain
death awaits us back up there! Maybe down
below there will be a way back up!
KILNGIRL
If we don’t die first!
MATT
I’m open to other suggestions!
Nobody has any. The elevator continues its way downwards.
INT.-INNER SANCTUM-DAY
We see a large and ostentatious room. There are numerous antiques and trophies on every wall and on nearly every available surface. As the camera pans across, we see everything from stone tablets written in Egyptian-like hieroglyphics depicting battles to copper shields emblazoned with various creatures from Greek and Roman mythology to medieval suits of armor to a variety of antique rifles and guns. One is left with the distinct impression of getting the history of war and strife for the last 5000 years. On one wall—in a place of obvious honor—is a large sword.
We see MATT poke his head from around a corner. DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, KIT, KILNGIRL and LUAKEL poke their heads out as well.
LANDSHARK
A little tacky, isn’t it?
KIT
But it has excellent use of space.
The gang march into the room.
MATT
Everyone start looking for a way out of here.
VOICE
Leaving so soon?
A massive steel door suddenly shuts down on the elevator, blocking its entrance. The gang turn to see standing about 20 feet away from them….BARNEY THE DINOSAUR.
BARNEY is over 7 feet tall and purple—but one notice right away that his smile is, in fact, not a smile but an evil carnivorous grin.
BARNEY
I am so going to enjoy sucking the
marrow from your still living bones.
The ah.commers open fire with their guns. The bullets literally just bounce off of BARNEY. BARNEY laughs—when he does it is a sickly guttural and completely unwholesome laugh.
BARNEY
You really think you insignificant little pricks
can hurt me with those? I am immune to every
form of weapon you pathetic little apes have
devised in the last 5000 years!
I AM YOUR GOD!!
BARNEY charges at the gang. He grabs IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK with one claw and throws them like rag dolls into a corner of the room. He picks up both DOCTOR WHAT and KILNGIRL with one claw and throws them into a different corner of the room while simultaneously grabbing MATT and KIT with the other claw and throwing them into a third corner of the room. PSYCHOMELTDOWN is casually tossed into the fourth corner of the room. LUAKEL empties the entire clip of his big gun at point blank range into BARNEY’s face. BARNEY pauses for a few seconds, smiles and reaches over and bends the rifle barrel into a 90 degree angle with one claw and with his other claw grabs LUAKEL by the face and casually flips him overhead, sending him sprawling about 30 feet away.
BARNEY
Hey! This is fun!
A grenade smacks into the back of BARNEY’s head and detonates, sending smoke and debris in every direction. MATT is (barely) standing up and holding onto his grenade launcher with both hands as he views the explosion.
DOCTOR WHAT
(barely standing up as well)
Was…was…that…
MATT
(nodding head)
…last grenade…
Out of the smoke appears BARNEY—unharmed.
BARNEY
You know something, boy?
YOU ARE BEGINNING TO PISS ME OFF!
BARNEY charges at MATT.
KILNGIRL
Behind you! The sword!
MATT reaches behind him and grabs the sword off the wall. For a brief moment, BARNEY stops.
KILNGIRL
The Gladius ad Interficendum B’harny!
MATT looks confused.
DOCTOR WHAT
The Sword of B’harny Slaying!
MATT smiles.
MATT
(turns to BARNEY)
Alright you ugly purple motherfucker!
It’s ass-whopping time!
MATT charges at BARNEY, swinging his sword. BARNEY frantically backpedals back and ducks and weaves to avoid MATT’s sword swings. MATT isn’t doing any damage to BARNEY but BARNEY is slowly backing into a corner of the room.
MATT
(thrusting sword at BARNEY’s exposed belly)
A-HA!
\CLOSE-UP: Sword being plunged towards BARNEY’s belly—and shattering to bits.
REACTION SHOT: the ah.com gang with expressions of shock and confusion on their faces.
MATT
(staring at broken sword in complete shock)
What the–?!
BARNEY has an evil grin on his face. With one claw he knocks the broken sword out of MATT’s hands and with the other claw grabs MATT around the neck and lifts him two feet off the ground. BARNEY laughs.
BARNEY
Did you dickweeds actually think that I would
be dumb enough to have the one weapon that
kill me right in the entrance of my lair where
any schmuck can get it? I read the ‘Top 100
Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord’
website too, you know! You morons will NEVER find it!
BARNEY flings MATT at a nearby doorway, shattering the wooden door to splinters. We see MATT (still with some momentum from the throw) disappearing into the dark room beyond it. KILNGIRL rushes over to the doorway. BARNEY turns to look at the rest of the ah.commers.
BARNEY
(singing)
I hate you, you hate me
We’re a great big family.
With a great big hug and a kick from me to you
Won’t you say you die for me too!
BARNEY attacks the ah.commers, tossing them around like rag dolls.
DOCTOR WHAT
OH, GOD!!
THE PAIN!!
THE PAIN!!
INT.-ROOM-DAY
We see what looks like a large bedroom. It is decorated in much the same style as the entrance room but the room is dominated by an extremely large bed that takes up most of the space. The bed appears to be made from many pieces of elephant ivory, the headboard is covered with alligator skin, while the bed itself is covered in Snow Leopard furs and baby seal pelts. The many large pillows on it are made from Panda Bear skins.
Lying on the bed in a semi-conscious state, with the remnants of the door around him, is MATT. We see KILNGIRl at his side.
As KILNGIRL helps MATT off the bed and half carries/half drags him back towards the doorway, she spots—sticking out from under one of the pillows—the pommel of a sword.;
REACTION SHOT: KILNGIRL with a confused look on her face that slowly turns into a grin.
INT.-INNER SANCTUM-DAY
BARNEY is laughing hysterically as the ah.commers are being pummeled and thrown around the room mercilessly. It’s obvious that he’s merely ‘playing’ with his victims.
BARNEY
I have to thank you guys! It’s been MONTHS
since I’ve had a good workout like this!
This is the most fun I’ve had all year!
(picks up PSYCHOMELTDOWN—flings him onto LANDSHARK)
But I’m getting bored now so time
for all of you morons to –gaaargh!
The ah.commers stare in shock at BARNEY.
BARNEY looks slowly downwards at himself. We see–sticking out of his chest—is a sword. With a look of utter shock and confusion, he slowly turns around and sees behind him—a grinning KILNGIRL.
KILNGIRL
(singing)
I hate you, you hate me,
Let’s go and kill Barney
With a great big sword and a boot to the head
Won’t you say you like Barney dead.
BARNEY
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(falls over dead)
We see BARNEY, covered in head to toe in tendrils of black lightning. A few seconds later BARNEY slowly begins to melt.
The ah.commers look on in morbid fascination as BARNEY slowly turns into a large puddle of purple goo. In a few seconds nothing is left of BARNEY except for a purple puddle ten feet wide. Yellow acrid smoke begins to come off of the puddle.
DOCTOR WHAT
Holy shit! It’s…it’s dissolving the floor!
Less than a minute later a ten foot wide hole has now appeared in the floor of the room. About ten feet below them can be seen a small dimly lit corridor.
MATT
(smiling at KILNGIRL)
(with a truly horrible fake British accent and Knightly demeanor)
My Lady—your exit awaits…
(indicates the hole)
MATT helps KILNGIRL down. The rest of the gang follow a few seconds later.
INT-DARK CORRIDOR-NIGHT
DOCTOR WHAT
Where the hell are we going?
LANDSHARK
Away. The operative word is ‘away’. We are running AWAY
from lots of crazed guards carrying guns. Ergo, any direction
we run TOWARDS to is, by definition, the correct direction
and we need not bother with such minor and trivial details as WHERE.
KIT
Impressive logic but what
if the WHERE is worse?
LANDSHARK
That’s sort of where my carefully
constructed plan falls apart.
DOCTOR WHAT
Pity. As a half-assed plan,
it had some good points.
The gang rush on. LUAKEL suddenly stops, looks back the direction he came from and runs back. We see him looking at a wall very intensely.
KILNGIRL
What’s up?
LUAKEL
The wall panels here…there’s…
light shining through some cracks.
The ah.commers look at each other.
DOCTOR WHAT
Anybody bring a crowbar?
LUAKEL
(smiling)
No—but I DID steal one of
the maces from upstairs.
DOCTOR WHAT
Great thinking LUAKEL!
(sudden realization)
Uh—why did you steal a mace in the first place?
No way had you known that we were going to
need it to break down a wall. What were you
planning to use it for?
LUAKEL
(guilty look)
Just wanted to see if I can crush the skulls
of some enemy soldiers—that’s not bad, is it?
AH.COMMERS
(simultaneously)
Nope!
INT-LARGE ROOM-DAY
We see that the entire gang are in some hanger like structure. A long corridor (dimly lit) trails off into one direction. We see the ah.commers standing before an impressive looking attack helicopter. The copter looks heavily armored and has a small missile launcher on either side. A somewhat bigger launcher is directly below the copter.
LUAKEL
(literally drooling)
Oh…baby….oh yeah…I want it…
I want it so bad…..so, so bad…
The ah.commers glance at one another and take a few steps away from LUAKEL
DOCTOR WHAT
Er…you know how to fly this, do you?
LUAKEL
FUCK YEAH!!
INT-CORRIDOR-DAY
We see the helicopter flying down the corridor. Up ahead we suddenly notice that there are very large steel doors blocking the exit out of the corridor.
INT-HELICOPTER
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh…LUAKEL…
LUAKEL presses a button on the controls of the helicopter and two small missiles (one from each side) are fired off and impact against the doors with a massive explosion. The helicopter flies through the expanding cloud of fire and smoke.
EXT-GRASSY KNOLL-DALLAS-DAY
We see the helicopter fly out of a flaming hole in the side of the grassy knoll. It quickly picks up some attitude and flies away.
INT. – HELICOPTER
LUAKEL is looking at the controls when he does a double-take. He smiles with a grin that stretches from ear to ear and turns the helicopter around.
MATT
Hey—what the hell-!
LUAKEL
Just one last thing I need to do!
He presses a different button and a large missile is launched from the underside of the copter. It travels straight towards the Texas Book Depository and explodes—blowing the entire building to bits and sending a massive fireball rising over 300 feet into the sky. There’s some ‘ooohs’ and ‘ahhhs’ from the ah.commers and a smattering of applause.
LUAKEL
(excitedly)
You smell that? Do you smell that?!
Do you know what that smell is, Doc?
Doc shakes his head.
LUAKEL
(excitedly)
Napalm! Nothing else in the world smells
like that! I love the smell of napalm in
the morning! It smells like….
(beat)
Victory!
EXT-HELICOPTER-NOON
We see the helicopter fly off into the sunrise.
EXT.-WHITE ROCK LAKE-NOON
We see the ah.commers standing next to a helicopter and a shuttle. Both KILNGIRL and SBEGIN are there with them.
SBEGIN
You won’t believe what’s happening! Rumors of
Barney’s death are sweeping the globe. There are
reports of mass desertions from various armies and
security forces in half a dozen countries already!
I’ve contacted as many cell members of C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.
as I can—they’re spreading the word and causing
as much damage as they can to the hold-outs.
KILNGIRL
I can’t thank you people
enough for all your help!
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey—you were the one
who killed Barney, not us!
KILNGIRL
Still—we wouldn’t have been able to
do it without your help! You are
welcome back anytime you wish!
DOCTOR WHAT
We may take you up on that offer.
Thanks!
The ah.commers climb into their shuttle and, with a roar of the jets, they take off.
END ACT II
TAG
INT-AH.COM MESS HALL-DAY
We see many of the ah.commers sitting at various tables eating. DOCTOR WHAT leans back and pats his belly appreciatively.
DOCTOR WHAT
Damn that was a great meal, Grey!
Thanks for cooking this for us.
What was this called again?
GREY WOLF
Chutney Poultry.
DOCTOR WHAT
What kind of poultry?
GREY WOLF
Er…a rather unique kind. Don’t know
the exact name but it’s very rare.
(sotto voice)
God, I hope so…
DOCTOR WHAT
Well—whatever it is—it’s freaking great!
GREY WOLF
I have a menu all made up
for the next month or so.
DOCTOR WHAT
Really? What’s on it?
GREY WOLF
(looking at a clipboard)
Ummmm…First Week. Monday Breakfast:
Cheesy Poultry and Hash Brown Casserole.
Monday Lunch: Poultry Burgers.
Monday Dinner: Moroccan Poultry.
Tuesday Breakfast: Poultry Quiche.
Tuesday Lunch: Australian Deep-Fried Poultry Wings.
Tuesday Dinner: Curry Mango Poultry.
Wednesday Breakfast: Poultry and Egg Breakfast Tarts.
Wednesday Lunch: Poultry a la Crème.
Wednesday Dinner: Poultry and Red Bean Enchiladas…
Slowly Fade to Black as GREY WOLF continues talking.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS