TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – KIT’S QUARTERS – DAY

The camera focuses on KIT’s face as he slowly wakes, the ship’s lights rising from night to day mode in the background. He smirks to himself as the memories of last night slowly begin to return…

KIT
Another conquest.

He turns around to view a vague figure on the other side of the bed, mostly hidden under the blanket, but a construction worker’s yellow helmet is visible on the pillow.

KIT
I can even do Seventies retro.

FIGURE
(sleepy, but suspiciously high-pitched, voice)
Wha…?

The FIGURE rolls over to face KIT, and we discover that it’s N-RED.

KIT/N-RED
(simultaneously)
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

With a flash, we cut and show KIT rising from a sleeping position, his hand clutched to his heart. The lights are still on night mode, but as we watch they rise to day mode. KIT turns back and cautiously prods the heaped covers on the other side of the bed, but there’s nothing. He breathes a sigh of relief.

KIT
Great spag bol, what a nightmare…!

He shrugs, then exits the room into the CORRIDOR, whose lights are also rising to day mode. Opposite his quarters is a door with the legend CMDR. MICHAEL. From within comes the sound of indistinct muttering. KIT bangs on the door.

KIT
Michael! Wake up, you lazy Digger!

Nothing happens. KIT sighs and appears to address the ceiling.

KIT
Leo? Open this door. Override code
Kitjed Twenty Three Messenger Bag
Bubble Wrap Penguin Melon.

LEO CAESIUS
Acknowledged.

The door slides open to reveal MICHAEL tossing and turning in his bed, a pillow clutched to him and muttering to himself.

KIT
Michael-

MICHAEL
Ohh yes, Alyson, now I have you all to myself,
ooh look, a duck reading ‘The Lord of the Rings’
swimming in a lake of Foster’s lager, brilliant…

KIT
(horrified)
MICHAEL!!

MICHAEL wakes with a start, stares at the pillow woozily, then screams, jumps in the air and begins pawing at his mouth with both hands.

MICHAEL
I – she – AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!

KIT
You just had a terrible nightmare?
So did I.

MICHAEL
Yeah…
Coincidence, must be.

KIT
Yeah.

Through the still open door, we hear a distant scream and then GREY WOLF runs past wearing an Edwardian dressing gown and Wee Willy Winkie nightcap.

GREY WOLF
I was executing all Europe’s
royal families! Noooo…

Fade off KIT’s and MICHAEL’s reactions…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“A PRESENT FROM THE FUTURE”

Written By : THANDE

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room is deserted except for DOCTOR WHAT, who is lying back in his command chair with loud snores emanating from his mouth. He is wearing a mauve tutu, silver flares and an ill-considered string vest. Despite his sleep, his right hand is still automatically clicking away at the computer screen mounted on his throne’s right armrest, cycling through various porn sites and weird link pages.

Suddenly all the Control Room’s doors slide back, and many Ah.commers dash in, shouting at each other. DOCTOR WHAT wakes with a start.

DOCTOR WHAT
Mm…what?

EVERYONE
(medley)
Ducks…Russia…Bush…
EU constitution…republicanism…

DOCTOR WHAT
One thing at a time.

HENDRYK
Mighty is the wisdom of
the great Doctor What!
Fermé les bouches, maintenant!

Everyone is silent.

LEO CAESIUS
If I may summarise…
It appears that many of the crew
have just experienced terrible nightmares.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really? I slept fine.
Well, mostly fine…
There were only two vats of
lesbian filled custard, I suppose
that might count…

GBW
Any idea what might have caused it?

THANDE
Ooh, ooh, perhaps an alien intelligence
is trying to contact us through our
REM sleep…

DIAMOND
(dismissively)
It’s been done.

OTHNIEL
(shudders)
Perhaps it’s an insidious
new weapon of the Cf.netters…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Or the Fallen.

WEAPON M
Insidious new weapon you say…
I want one!

DOCTOR WHAT
(raising hand)
Please, people. Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
My scans suggest that we’re
at the edge of some kind of
labyrinth, with a source of
great power at the centre.

DOCTOR WHAT
(keenly interested)
Great power you say?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We need power.
The Holy Sheep demands it!

DOCTOR WHAT
All right, but how does
this explain the nightmares?

LEO CAESIUS
Some kind of defence system
put there by the people who
built this power source.

DOCTOR WHAT
So if we want to get this power
source, how long do we have to
put up with nightmares?

LEO CAESIUS
At maximum speed?
…a month.

Reactions.

TORQUMADA
Just halfway through we’d
have irreparable psychological
damage.

STRAHA
Which is different from now how?

THANDE
What if we put everyone in stasis
and let Leo fly us in?

MICHAEL
This ain’t Star Trek. We don’t
have any stasis pods.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, but if it’s a case of stunning
you for a certain time…

DOCTOR WHAT pulls out a stash of DVDs and sorts through them, muttering to himself:

DOCTOR WHAT
Ten hours, six days,
thirty-two years…
too long…ten months,
four weeks…ah!
One month exactly.

DOCTOR WHAT slides the DVD into a portal and the viewscreen begins playing scenes of such mindblowingly perverted horror that everyone collapses into a coma.

LEO CAESIUS
Good work, Captain,
but what about you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yeah…
Um…

LEO CAESIUS
Don’t worry, sir. I’ll painlessly
disable you by using the Ionian
Nerve Grip.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great!

The ship suddenly jerks to one side, causing DOCTOR WHAT to go slying across the Control Room. He smacks his head against the bulkhead and is knocked out. There is quiet as the ship continues on, LEO CAESIUS in control.

LEO CAESIUS
(whistling tunelessly)
Daisey, Daisey, give me your answer, do…

Fade down out.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM -DAY

ONE MONTH LATER

LEO CAESIUS
(sing song voice)
You put your right foot in..
You put your right foot out…
You put your right foot in…
And you shake it all about…

Focus on DOCTOR WHAT as he awakes.

DOCTOR WHAT
(suddenly angry)
That’s not the Ionian Nerve Grip!
That’s smashing me against the bulkhead!

LEO CAESIUS
(pausing in his singing)
It worked, didn’t it?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well…yeah…

All the other Ah.commers begin to wake up, groaning with remembered horrors.

OTHNIEL
(shuddering)
I’ll never look at an eggplant
in the same way again…

WEAPON M
(white faced)
Dammit, this puts things
into perspective.

IRONYUPPIE
You up for trying that, Sharky?

LANDSHARK
Do you need to ask?

As everyone stares in horror at IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK, we pan over to DOCTOR WHAT’s position and view the gigantic viewscreen. At the centre of the otherwise featureless starfield is a point of pulsating light.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s it?
G.Bone, teleport it on board.

G.BONE
(muttering to himself)
Teleport, teleport, that’s all
I ever get to do…
I’ve been lying on the floor for a month,
can’t I at elast take a shower first?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORT ROOM – DAY

Most of the Ah.commers are assembled. As we watch, G.BONE carelessly flicks the switch and the SOURCE materialises on the pad. It’s a giant crystalline dodecahedron that pulses with power and slowly shifts from one colour to the next.

OTHNIEL
It’s unbelievable…

THANDE
(fiddling with a scanner)
Its molecular composition is
unlike anything I’ve ever
seen before!

DIAMOND
Looks like a piece of 70s
disco tat to me.
What is it, anyway?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s a crystal…

DAVE HOWERY
(grandly)
I shall name it, The Crystal!
Let’s go and install it, then we
can take the rest of the day off.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE raise the CRYSTAL on a stretcher and take it out of the room. The rest of the Ah.commers trail behind, unable to take their eyes off it.

INT. AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY makes the last connection to a rat’s nest of cables connecting the CRYSTAL to the huge crosstime drive assembly. The cables light up and the drive begins to glow with unprecedented power.

DAVE HOWERY
It works!

LEO CAESIUS
I feel…alive again…
Like I can travel to any timeline
in the multiverse!
Like this one, where Sumeric Akkadian
has a slipped declension in the
subjunctive form! Let’s go there…

DOCTOR WHAT
(gently)
Let’s not run before
we can wank, Leo.

DIAMOND
Typo…

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, yeah.
Let’s not RUIN before
we can wank.

DIAMOND
Never mind.

MATT
well, what do we do with this piece of rock?

DAVE HOWERY
Crystal.

MATT pats the Crystal affectionately.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t know. I was surprised that it could be
hooked up to our systems. Normally we don’t
hook objects we find in space to our systems.
(shrugs)

DAVE HOWERY
(worried)
We don’t?

Cut to:

INT. – ENGINEERING WORKSHOP A – DAY

A large pile of space debris sit upon various tables, wires connected to them, but they’re all inert.

Cut back to:

INT. – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

LEO CAESIUS
(suddenly starts)
Captain What!
Another ship just appeared
off the port bow!
(in a mutter)
Or is it starboard?
Can’t remember…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What does it look like?

LEO CAESIUS
That’s just the thing…
It looks like those sensor
records you took of the
future Ah.com ship.

Off everyone’s reactions, fade to black.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Everyone tries to get in through one door, pushing and shoving.

MATT
What the hell are they doing here?

On the viewscreen, another Ah.com ship is visible. It doesn’t look exactly like the future Ah.com ship we saw before, but it’s pretty close.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! You told me that
timeline would never come to pass!

LEO CAESIUS
Not if you changed your destiny
after seeing what would result.

DOCTOR WHAT spins to face IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK and wags his finger sternly.

DOCTOR WHAT
Have you been breeding?

LANDSHARK
(morosely)
Well, I haven’t…

DOCTOR WHAT
(relieved)
Well, that’s something.

LEO CAESIUS
Captain, they’re
communicating with us.

Gibberish fills the speakers.

LEO CAESIUS
Ah, it’s the rare western dialect
of Primitive Low Syro-Phoneician.
They…they say that their Crystal
has lost power, and they’ve come
back in time to study ours so they
know how to fix it.

MICHAEL
Sounds suspicious to me.

DOCTOR WHAT
They’re us, aren’t they?
And maybe THIS future is
less, well, what’s the word,
like a Straha-Diffin timeline…

DIAMOND
Dystopic?

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s it.

STRAHA
I resent that…

LEO CAESIUS
If we see them, we’ll alter this
timeline. They want you all to
pile into the ready room. I’ll
meet them and wipe my memory
banks afterwards so we don’t
contaminate history.
(happily)
I’ll just slip into my robot body…

EVERYONE
No…trap…falling into…Cf.netters…
Fallen…enemies of Ian…

LEO CAESIUS
(happily)
I’ll just slip into my robot body…

DOCTOR WHAT
(keenly)
I have a ready room?!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – READY ROOM – DAY

All the Ah.commers except LEO CAESIUS are crammed into the small ready room. All surfaces are covered in a layer of dust.

IRONYUPPIE
This place is filthy. You want to get
your lesbian dominatrix friend in here
to redecorate.

DOCTOR WHAT
(helplessly)
I thought this room was where
Othniel had built his chapel…

OTHNIEL
(coldly)
But you never bothered to go
and check?

G.BONE
So, like, where IS this chapel?

OTHNIEL
Between the swimming pool
and the cinema on X Deck.

LANDSHARK
We have a swimming pool?

GBW
We have a cinema?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We have an X Deck?!!

OTHNIEL
(smugly)
Maybe you can’t find it
because of the motes in your eyes.

DAVE HOWERY
Shaddup, everyone.
I think I’ve finally gimmicked this thing.

DAVE HOWERY flicks a switch and a small screen shows LEO CAESIUS standing beside the DOCKING PORT. We zoom in and cut to-

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCKING PORT – DAY

LEO CAESIUS, now in robot body, stands in front of the large round docking port, which rolls back as we watch and several FUTURE AH.COMMERS come in, with others indistinctly visible behind:

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY is much fatter, has greying hair and a cardigan with a red maple leaf on it;

FUTURE KIT is wearing a nylon-and-plaid suit in an ill-advised chequerboard pattern and has an obvious bald spot imperfectly hidden by a comb-over;

FUTURE HENDRYK looks almost identical to his present day version, but is wearing a bad toupee and has Cyrillic lettering instead of Chinese ideograms on his robes.

LEO CAESIUS
Greetings, fellow Ah.commers…
(takes in their appearances)
Oh, my.

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
(slightly slurred voice)
Leo! Great to see you again!

FUTURE HENDRYK
Too true! We must get our
Crystal working again.

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
I named that, you know.

LEO CAESIUS
Um…where’s Doctor What?

The FUTURE AH.COMMERS avoid each others’ gazes.

KIT
Bruno…
We lost him in the war.

LEO CAESIUS
(shocked)
He’s dead?

FAMILIAR VOICE
Sadly so.

From behind the first rank of FUTURE AH.COMMERS comes a figure who is at first unrecognisable. His hair is thick, black and oily, his teeth glow artificial white, his eyes have a disturbing glint to them.

LEO CAESIUS
Who are you?

FIGURE
(laughing)
He doesn’t know!
I suppose I look different with
all this artificial skin and stuff.
I’m YOU.

Off LEO CAESIUS’ reaction, cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – READY ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is staring at the screen in disbelief. The other Ah.commers are trying to look over his and DAVE HOWERY’s shoulders to catch a glimpse of it.

DOCTOR WHAT
I…died?!

IRONYUPPIE
Permanently?!

HENDRYK
(savagely)
C’est blasphemie!

KIT
What about me?
Have I kept my looks?

DAVE HOWERY
I can’t tell, the light reflecting
off your head makes it hard to see.

KIT
WHAT?!! Let me see!
(grabs hold of screen)
Agh! Nylon!

MICHAEL
No worries Kit, at least
Howery’s got the same
waistline as Canada now.

DAVE HOWERY
Huh!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Future Leo looks…scary…

DOCTOR WHAT
We can’t let this future come to pass!

DIAMOND
Now, I wonder why he thinks that…

KIT
I’m with Bruno. Let’s get outta here!

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING – DAY

The FUTURE AH.COMMERS and LEO CAESIUS are sitting at a table; the FUTURE AH.COMMERS keep casting avaricious glances at the Crystal, while LEO CAESIUS is trying hard not to look worried.

LEO CAESIUS
So…um…Landshark and
IronYuppie didn’t reproduce then?

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
Nah, we decided it was too much
of a risk. Say hello, guys.

The FUTURE AH.COMMERS part to reveal FUTURE LANDSHARK and FUTURE IRONYUPPIE standing there. FUTURE IRONYUPPIE looks almost exactly like the Borg Queen, while Landshark’s severed head is visible floating in blue nutrient fluid in the transparent middle part of a Dalek. He has an eye patch over one eye.

FUTURE IRONYUPPIE
(many breathy voices at once)
But we found there are compensations…

FUTURE LANDSHARK
(high, rusting voice)
There – are – many – things
- you – can – do – with – an
- eggwhisk – and – a – plunger!

LEO CAESIUS
Ah.
So did you end up merging
with the Cf.netters?

FUTURE KIT
Not really. Their ship was destroyed
by the…er…enemy in the war, and
Grimm Reaper and Ward died in a
commando mission to an enemy-occupied
timeline.

LEO CAESIUS
I can’t imagine what could kill
those two!

FUTURE HENDRYK
Crosstime Megabombs.
The, er, enemy were trying to
make that timeline into a Mosaic
Earth, but Ward outsmarted them
and used the bombs to destroy a
whole nest of enemy…but himself
and Grimm Reaper along with it.

LEO CAESIUS
What about the other Cf.netters?

FUTURE DOMINUSNOVUS emerges from the crowd. He has obviously had too much cosmetic surgery and is practically staring at the ceiling.

FUTURE DOMINUSNOVUS
Some of us joined this crew.
It’s not so bad, even though I’m
much less handsome now.

LEO CAESIUS quirks a metallic brow in puzzlement.

LEO CAESIUS
Er…right.

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
Then Romulus Augustulus and that
kid apprentice of his, Loourkel or whatever
his name was, went around ‘repairing’ worlds
that had been damaged by the, uh, enemy.

FUTURE HENDRYK
Repairs which just happened to involve
them all being converted into outposts of
that whacked-up Everglades Khanate of his.

FUTURE KIT
Green.

FUTURE HENDRYK
(shrugs)
Fine, his Greenglades Khanate.

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
We lost a lot of people too.
Some died in the war, and
GBW died the day after it finished…

FUTURE HENDRYK
Poor guy was beaten to death
after he wandered into the
annual meeting of the Dyslexic
Acronym Bush-Haters Society.

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
More have left us to help Ian
put the pieces back together.
Diamond’s busy mending world maps,
G.Bone’s gone to rule Polynesia in a world
without teleporters…

FUTURE KIT
Some of us are always banging on
about retiring, eh, Hendryk, Psychomeltdown?

FUTURE HENDRYK
Oh yes.
There’s that timeline where
China’s been overrun by Russia, and-

LEO CAESIUS
You want to go and help them
overthrow the yoke of oppression?

FUTURE HENDRYK
Oh no. I want to be made governor
of the occupied provinces.
(dreamily)
I’m sure I could re-educate them
into right-thinking civilised Europeans…

FUTURE PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And me and Dominus want to go and
live in that timeline where America is
the crown colony of an absolute monarchy!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DOMINUS high five.

LEO CAESIUS is too shocked to speak.

FUTURE LEO CAESIUS
Pity for you you’re not like me!
With the Crystal giving me power, I
have three avatars in different timelines
right now managing the reelection campaigns
of US Presidents!

LEO CAESIUS
Which US Presidents?

FUTURE HENDRYK
The right ones, of course!
Bush, Santorum, and who’s that other one, Leo?

FUTURE LEO CAESIUS
(beaming with fake teeth)
Coulter.

LEO CAESIUS’ eyes light up red.

LEO CAESIUS
You…
You people have all changed!
The Ah.commers I know and, uh,
mildly care for wouldn’t do these things!

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
We have been enriched by our
experiences. Since we got the Crystal,
we can go to any timeline we wish, at
any time…we have sampled the very
best all possible worlds have to offer.

FUTURE KIT
(laughing)
Yeah, I’m sure my younger
self wouldn’t care for my
marriage to Charlotte Church!

LEO CAESIUS’ eyes widen so far that one of them falls out and he hurriedly sticks it back in. He jumps to his feet and strikes a pose.

LEO CAESIUS
You may have beat the enemy in your war,
but you’re not true Ah.commers any more!

Off reactions, cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

The corridor outside Engineering. The present-day Ah.commers are creeping down it, listening in on the conversation.

LEO CAESIUS
(VO)
You must be lying.
If that Crystal is so powerful,
why didn’t your enemy steal it?

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
(VO)
Simple.
They did – and found out it was
totally incompatible with their systems.
Blew up three of their battle fleets!

DAVE HOWERY
(muttering)
I do NOT sound like that.

DOCTOR WHAT has gone pale.

DOCTOR WHAT
My God…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
How could we become such people?!

DOCTOR WHAT
(startled out of his thoughts)
What? Oh, yeah…

GBW
(distraught)
What a way to go!
Beaten to death by
dyslexic Bush-haters…

THANDE
(tapping at his scanner)
This is weird…according
to this, Doctor What’s brainwaves
are being detected aboard the future ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
They said I was dead!
I knew they were lying!

THANDE
(puzzledly)
But they don’t read as human.

STRAHA
Did they ever?

DOCTOR WHAT
G.Bone, beam…uh…me aboard.

G.BONE hits a panel and we see a glow appear on the Ah.commers faces, but we don’t see what materialises. Shocked expressions-

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, crap!

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING – DAY

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
(coldly)
If you won’t let us examine your
Crystal, Leo, we’ll take it for ourselves.

All the FUTURE AH.COMMERS draw guns, except FUTURE MATT and FUTURE WEAPON M.

LEO CAESIUS
Never.
I’d rather die than see it in
the hands of…you!

FUTURE HENDRYK
Fair enough. Prepare to fire-

FUTURE WEAPON M/FUTURE MATT
Oh, someone stop this pointless violence.

Suddenly, a door flies open and the present day Ah.commers burst in. DOCTOR WHAT is holding something behind his back. The FUTURE AH.COMMERS rise and face off their counterparts across Engineering.

MATT
Lay off our linguistically gifted
silicon friend, asshats! Or we can
see how you enjoy life after being
blasted to little itty bitty chunks.

FUTURE MATT
(to FUTURE WEAPON M)
Was I ever that nasty?

LEO CAESIUS retreats to his present day comrades; the present and future Ah.commers stare at each other in mingled surprise and horror.

DAVE HOWERY
(sizing up his future self)
I guess I didn’t get to go on
many missions involving
running away from things, then?

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
(slaps his belly)
Nah, this is down to three
good helpings of Canadian
bacon with every meal!

DAVE HOWERY
(acidly)
Never!

FUTURE KIT
(staring at DOCTOR WHAT)
Bruno! It’s so, uh, good to see
you again!

DOCTOR WHAT
(coldly)
Of course. Because I’m
dead, aren’t I?
Or am I?

DOCTOR WHAT pulls out the thing behind his back and slaps it on the table. It’s a jar filled with nutrient fluid with a large brain floating in it. The jar has a pair of sunglasses wrapped around the outside.

FUTURE HENDRYK
How did you get that…

HENDRYK
Do not speak so to the great What,
traitor to China!

The BRAIN speaks from a speaker with the voice of FUTURE DOCTOR WHAT.

FUTURE DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, what’s hanging?
Anyone want to replace my
lesbian porn disk, I’m getting
tired of this old stuff…

FUTURE KIT
Silence! Now!

DOCTOR WHAT
(coldly)
So I had a convenient accident, did I?
One that resulted in me being lobotomised?

FUTURE KIT
It wasn’t like that!
You don’t know what, what you-

LEO CAESIUS
Wait…
(he stares from the FUTURE AH.COMMERS to the BRAIN)
Bruno still sounds like himself.

DOCTOR WHAT
I sound like THAT?

FUTURE DOCTOR WHAT
Only far less sexy.

LEO CAESIUS
I mean he still likes lesbian porn!
He’s not a mirror type!
And Bruno didn’t dream nightmares
on the way in, when everyone else did.
Oh no…

DIAMOND
Someone want to join the dots
for the rest of us?

LEO CAESIUS
It’s the Crystal.
It wasn’t a defence system –
those nightmares were just
the first harbinger of what its
energies will do to us!

DAVE HOWERY
What?

LEO CAESIUS
It’s turning us into mirror versions
of ourselves.
Insidiously reversing every conviction,
every opinion, every idiosyncrasy…

KIT
(cottoning on)
Nylon! Heterosexuality!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Don’t we already have mirror versions of ourselves?

LEO CAESIUS
Bruno seems to be the only
one immune to it – even I am not
- so our future selves disposed of him.

FUTURE KIT
That’s not how it was at all!

HENDRYK
Spare us your lies.

DOCTOR WHAT
(decisively)
Then we must get rid of the Crystal.

FUTURE HENDRYK
You WOULD say that! The war-

KIT
Will have to be won without it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Or even lost.
Better death than crap.

HENDRYK
Better anything than that toupee!

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
(sneering)
Our weapons are far superior.
You stand no chance at all.

DOCTOR WHAT
So it’s agreed then – we fight?

MATT and WEAPON M raise their BFGs and rake the FUTURE AH.COMMERS with fire, downing one or two, but the majority are protected by some sort of shielding or armour.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh crap!

All the present day Ah.commers dive behind crates, consoles and other makeshift cover, except for DOCTOR WHAT, who remains standing out in the open and staring in disbelief and pity at the FUTURE AH.COMMERS.

FUTURE HENDRYK
Tut-tut. Die, false prophet!

FUTURE HENDRYK opens up with an AK-47 and hits DOCTOR WHAT in the heart. DOCTOR WHAT falls to the floor, blood spurting from his chest. TORQUMADA immediately examines the wound, but shakes his head sadly.

KIT
Bruno!

HENDRYK
Great One!

DOCTOR WHAT
Uuurrghh…

As DOCTOR WHAT dies, the brain in a jar beside him fades away.

TORQUMADA
What the-?!

MATT
shouting at the future Ah.commers
For that you’ll all die!

MATT and WEAPON M rise and unleash another salvo on the FUTURE AH.COMMERS, with as little effect as the first. Instantly, they retaliate: FUTURE PSYCHOMELTDOWN hits MATT with an energy blast that penetrates his armour and drops him to the floor, his chest a smoking hole. Beside FUTURE PSYCHOMELTDOWN, FUTURE MATT [who is busy waving ‘Stop the War’ signs with FUTURE WEAPON M] also fades.

LEO CAESIUS
(standing up and peering at the action)
There’s something here…
But what?

FUTURE STRAHA [whose shirt shows a marijuana leaf in a No Smoking-sign] hits LEO CAESIUS with a rocket launcher. After the smoke clears LEO CAESIUS remains intact and smirks superciliously. FUTURE STRAHA gapes and falls over backward, intercepting three rounds from WEAPON M’s BFG. Present day STRAHA angrily stands up and taps WEAPON M on the shoulder insistently.

STRAHA
Hey, that was me!

WEAPON M
(turns)
It was a you who’d sworn off pot.

STRAHA
(in same tone as before)
Hey, that wasn’t me!

FUTURE IRONYUPPIE and FUTURE LANDSHARK appear.

FUTURE LANDSHARK
They – are – enemies!
EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

FUTURE IRONYUPPIE
ASSIMILATE!

FUTURE LANDSHARK’s Dalek head turret swivels toward FUTURE IRONYUPPIE.

FUTURE LANDSHARK
(insistently)
EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

FUTURE IRONYUPPIE
(sighs)
Okay, fine. EXTERMINATE!

FUTURE LANDSHARK fires a blue energy blast from his eggwhisk at WEAPON M, whose skeleton flashes into view as he collapses, dead. Simultaneously, FUTURE IRONYUPPIE fires a green energy blast from her wrist at STRAHA, who is vaporised.

LEO CAESIUS
(still deep in thought)
They must be destroyed…
Pour tout les langues!

LEO CAESIUS charges FUTURE IRONYUPPIE and FUTURE LANDSHARK, who fire blast after blast into his metal body, which begins to glow cherry red. Suddenly LEO CAESIUS’ eyes open wide in revelation:

LEO CAESIUS
That’s it!
There may be a w-

And then FUTURE LANDSHARK and FUTURE IRONYUPPIE’s blasts strike him between the eyes. LEO CAESIUS’ head explodes and his body falls back into KIT’s arms.

KIT
(close to tears)
Leo! You’re dead!
(hugs him, then screams and drops him)
Ow! And you’re very very hot!
In more ways than one!

DAVE HOWERY
(staring at Leo’s body)
There may be a what?
A way out of this?
Is that what he was going to say?

OTHNIEL
(unwisely rising to look over the battlefield)
How can we stop this from happening?

FUTURE OTHNIEL, who has a buzzcut and a tattoo of Richard Dawkins on his forehead, hurls a knife that hits OTHNIEL in the chest. He falls to the floor and FUTURE OTHNIEL fades from view mid-insane-smirk.

DAVE HOWERY
That’s it!

DAVE HOWERY grabs the fallen MATT’s BFG, straining under the weight, and aims it at the Crystal.

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
(discerning his purpose)
No!
If you destroy the Crystal our timeline
will be obliterated!

LANDSHARK
Of course…

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
But you’ll never get to be
Prime Minister of Canada!

DAVE HOWERY
(grimly)
Suits me fine!

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
(giving up)
Stop him!

FUTURE IRONYUPPIE and FUTURE LANDSHARK swivel their guns toward DAVE HOWERY, but suddenly LANDSHARK jumps over the barricade onto FUTURE IRONYUPPIE and knocks her to the floor, while IRONYUPPIE does the same for FUTURE LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
You killed Leo! That’s not fair!

IRONYUPPIE
How dare you lose all your
only interesting bits!

FUTURE IRONYUPPIE stabs her assimilation tubules into LANDSHARK’s head and we rapidly see the grey technology spread beneath his skin, while FUTURE LANDSHARK gets his suction cup hand over IRONYUPPIE’s face and tries to asphyxiate her. But they’ve been delayed enough – DAVE HOWERY has reached the Crystal and is facing off his future self on the other side.

FUTURE DAVE HOWERY
(lunging at his younger self)
Nooooooo!

DAVE HOWERY
(coldly)
Never existed!

He fires the BFG, the blast hits the Crystal, the Crystal detonates into a million glittering fragments-

And the screen flashes white as the fabric of spacetime is put through the wringer.

END OF ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING – DAY

As before, but the FUTURE AH.COMMERS have vanished and so have the wounds in the present Ah.commers.

DAVE HOWERY
I did it!

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, I’m alive again!
How many times does
this make it?

HENDRYK
(consulting a small notebook)
Aleph-zero and twenty-three.

KIT
(shivering)
That was a close shave.

LEO CAESIUS
It was indeed.
Coulter…

All the Ah.commers shudder and trace Ah.com logos over their chests.

DAVE HOWERY
Ahem. I DID IT!

They continue to ignore him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t care how powerful that crystal was.
Some prices are too high to pay.

MATT
Yeah, we’ll just have to find
some other way to defeat those
‘enemy’ asshats, whoever they were.
Are. Will be. Uh.

LEO CAESIUS
I’ll get you Dr Streetmentioner’s
dictionary for Christmas, Matt.

DOCTOR WHAT
(faraway voice)
We will indeed…

DAVE HOWERY
(loudly)
I saved us all! I saved Ah.com!
Listen to me!

They ignore him still.

DIAMOND
So when the Crystal was
destroyed, we could never have
used its power and so get turned into
mirror versions, so it never happened,
only-

LEO CAESIUS
(wincing)
Stop right there or my
head will explode.
Again.

DOCTOR WHAT
Which of us destroyed it, anyway?

MICHAEL
I thought it was Howery.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking around)
So where is he?

All Ah.commers look around, some straight through DAVE HOWERY, and shrug.

DAVE HOWERY
(yelling in DOCTOR WHAT’s face)
I’M HERE!!!

LEO CAESIUS
He must have been caught in
the blast, erased from history!

KIT
So how come we still remember him?

DOCTOR WHAT
Remember who?

DAVE HOWERY grabs DOCTOR WHAT and begins shaking him, yelling in his ear.

DAVE HOWERY
HERE YOU CANUCK NANCYBOY! HERE!

DOCTOR WHAT
(as he can’t see why he’s shaking)
Hang on…I think we’re passing
through some turbulence…

There’s a flash of light, and when it fades everyone is staring at DAVE HOWERY.

DAVE HOWERY
(relieved)
You can see me?

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at him coldly)
What…are…you…doing?!

KIT
(smirks)
I think it’s illegal in most US states.

MATT
Guess he’ll have to move to Canada then!

DAVE HOWERY
(shaking his finger warningly)
Don’t even joke about that…

Zoom out, through a porthole, until we see:

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – SPACE

The Ah.com ship majestically turns away from the camera and disappears into a crosstime vortex. We slowly pull out, until something drifts into the camera field…

A fragment of crystal.

As the camera slowly fades to black, we see other crystal fragments…and they are coming together, reassembling…

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS