TEASER
EXT. -LUSH TROPICAL FOREST-DAY
We see a lush and verdant forest that is strangely quiet. Suddenly, erupting out of a large stand of trees, is a WW2 style jeep traveling at far too fast a speed than is safe for the present location. We see MATT in the driver’s seat, MICHAEL in the seat next to him and DOCTOR WHAT and DIAMOND in the back. DOCTOR WHAT looks injured and is propped up on the back of the driver’s seat, looking in the direction where they came from. DIAMOND is simultaneously attempting to bandage a wound on DOCTOR WHAT’s leg and keep himself from falling out as MATT is frantically zigzagging at breakneck speeds around trees. We notice that all of them are wearing old baseball caps emblazoned with a faded logo of some sort.
DOCTOR WHAT
(quiet voice)
Must go faster….must go faster….
Erupting out of the stand of trees with an ear shattering roar is….a TYRANASAURUS REX. It’s moving very fast and is running after the jeep.
DIAMOND
(screaming)
It’s gaining on us! Faster! Drive faster!
MATT
(screaming)
What the fuck do you think I’m doing?!
MICHAEL
This could be worse.
MATT
(screaming)
Worse?! We’re in a decrepit jeep that only has a
few gallons of fuel left in it and driving through
an abandoned Jurassic Park trying desperately to
get to a shuttle that is parked three miles away
from here while being chased by an angry T-Rex!
How the fuck can it possibly get worse?!?
MICHAEL
It could be raining.
Clap of thunder can be heard above them. A torrential rain starts coming down, soaking the ah.commers. MATT, DOCTOR WHAT and DIAMOND all pull off their caps and start hitting MICHAEL.
REVERSE SHOT—The jeep driving away from the camera with the T-Rex barely 50 feet behind them.
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“IT CAME FROM HOLLYWOOD”
Written By : DOCTOR WHAT
ACT I
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
The AH.Com Ship drifting in orbit above a planet.
INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
LEO
We’ve arrived, people…
Various bridge crew –DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE and KIT—all turn their attention to the main viewscreen.
DOCTOR WHAT
So—what do your scans show, LEO?
LEO
Interesting. The population of this world is quite low—
I’m reading barely 300 million lifesigns worldwide.
GREY WOLF
What—another world destroyed by a nuclear war?
LEO
I don’t think so. A significant fraction of the planet’s cities
are registering as being virtually destroyed and there are
several cities that look like it’s as a result of a nuclear
explosion but many other cities look like they have merely
abandoned. Some of the lifesigns I’m picking up seem to be
concentrated in the sewers of the cities while other lifesigns
appear to be holed up in fortress-like structures in the rural
areas. Judging by the plant growth and the state of decay of
the structures in the abandoned cities, best guess will be that
whatever happened started about 50 years ago or so.
(beat)
I am also picking up an automated distress signal coming from
the vicinity of Los Angeles.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well—that’s it then—we’re going down.
LANDSHARK
Whoa—what do you mean ‘we’, Otter-Boy?
DOCTOR WHAT
Prime Directive, Sharky! Render assistance whenever possible…
LANDSHARK
We ain’t got no Prime Directive—you’re making that up!
KIT
C’mon man—there are people in
trouble there—we have to help.
LANDSHARK
How the hell we know that there’s even
people down there? For all we know,
somebody turned on a beacon 20 years
ago and everyone’s died since then.
LEO
Actually my scans show that there are at least
several hundred people in the general vicinity.
LANDSHARK
(folding arms across chest)
Well—I’m not going.
IRONYUPPIE
Well-I am. I want to help all those poor people.
LANDSHARK
(shocked)
You do?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked and confused)
You do?
KIT
(shocked, confused and flummoxed)
You whaaaa–?
IRONYUPPIE
Actually no, not really. But I had you all
fooled there for a minute, didn’t I?
(smiles)
Hah!—I’ve always known that I had acting ability!
KIT
(sotto voce)
Don’t give up your day job…
IRONYUPPIE
Still—there might be some hot guys and
gals in need of help so count me in.
WHAT
Great—so it’s agreed! KIT, Diamond, IronYuppie, MATT,
and I will go down while the rest of you guys monitor the
situation from up here and see if you can find out any more info.
(presses a button on the armrest of his command chair)
Hey G.BONE! How are the teleporter repairs coming along?
INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
We see the innards of the teleporter lying all over the place. G.BONE is curled up in the center of the mass of wires and equipment, fast asleep and sucking his thumb. His pajamas are brightly colored, like a Hawaiian shirt and he’s holding a stuffed toy goat.
WHAT (o.v.)
Hey G. Bone! You there?
G. Bone awakes with a start and groggily looks around
DOCTOR WHAT (o.v.)
YO! G.BONE? Answer me! How are the repairs?
G.BONE pulls out his communicator.
G.BONE
Yeah—the teleporter…it’s…uh…really messed up…
might take a few more days to fix.
DOCTOR WHAT (o.v.)
(disappointed)
Oh. Ok then. Carry on.
G.BONE goes back to sleep.
INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
Guess we have to use a shuttle. C’mon people—
off we go! Grey, you’re in charge while we’re gone.
LANDSHARK
Hang on—why is it you always go on the away missions?
You’re the bloody captain—you’re suppose to stay on the ship!
DOCTOR WHAT
But you guys are in need of my bold leadership and
‘outside the box’ creative thinking! How many times
has the landing party survived some catastrophe
because of my presence?
LANDSHARK
Er…about three times in the last 5 years …
DOCTOR WHAT
You see! I’m practically a good luck charm!
Landing Party leaves the Control Room.
EXT. – EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE – DAY
We see the shuttle ‘Jenna Jameson’ flying through a large cloudbank.
INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY
We see MATT at the controls with DOCTOR WHAT next to him. In the seats behind them are KIT, DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE.
MATT
We should be getting a visual any second now
The assorted crew shifts their positions slightly to get a better view out of the windows.
DIAMOND
(shocked voice)
Oh… my….
EXT – LOS ANGELES – DAY
We see the city of Los Angeles spread out before the shuttle. It’s in complete ruins. It looks like it had been hit by an earthquake—after a fire, hurricane and full-scale civil war have already gone through with it. Few, if any, of the buildings are intact and most of the city lies in rubble.
INT. – SHUTTLE- DAY
MATT
Where’s that distress signal coming from?
DOCTOR WHAT fiddles with some controls.
DOCTOR WHAT
Weird—I’m having trouble picking it up.
It seems to have been turned off. Set down
over there at the City Hall Building—
that was its last location.
EXT. – LOS ANGELES CITY HALL – DAY
We see the shuttle land on the street in front of a large pile of rubble that was formerly Los Angeles City Hall. After a few minutes, the five ah.comers pile out. All except DOCTOR WHAT are holding BFGs.
DOCTOR WHAT is holding a scanner in his hands and is intently looking at various readings.
IRONYUPPIE
Well?
DOCTOR WHAT
Still not picking up any signals or
lifesigns but there’s a large chamber
of some sort under that pile of rubble.
(stares at screen in confusion)
Make that lots of chambers. Various sizes.
All irregularly shaped and connected to one
another. It’s like a freaking maze. Very weird.
MATT
I guess we try to find an entrance into this pile.
Everyone– maintain a constant state of suspicious alertness…
As they are poking around the rubble, they suddenly hear a weird buzzing sound coming from somewhere near them. The ah.comers start looking around for the source. DIAMOND looks off in a direction behind the ah.comers—and his jaw drops in fear.
DIAMOND
(shakily pointing a finger)
Gaaa-aaaaaaa-aaaaahhh….
The ah.comers look in the direction that DIAMOND is pointing to see an ant on the roof of the shuttle.
A nine foot long ant.
DOCTOR WHAT
Holy shit! Shoot it! Shoot it!
MATT and IRONYUPPIE open fire on the ant with a barrage from their BFGs. The ant actually shrugs off the first two or three shots from the BFGs before getting knocked off the shuttle.
The five ah.comers walk cautiously behind the shuttle to see the giant ant lying on the ground in a heap. Small tendrils of smoke are emanating from its body. MATT hesitantly pokes the body with the barrel of his gun.
MATT
I…I think it’s dead.
KIT
That CAN’T be what I think it is—can it?
DOCTOR WHAT runs his scanner over the corpse.
DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at readings)
Damn—it IS a giant ant!
How the hell is that even possible?
DIAMOND
(looking in the direction they just came from)
Uh….guys…..behind us….
The ah.comers look behind them to see a dozen or so giant ants converging at them from various piles of rubble around them. A few seconds later, another dozen appear….followed by dozen more….
MATT
They’ve cut us off from the shuttle! Run!
The ah.comers start running down Main Street with MATT and IRONYUPPIE blasting away at the ants behind them. KIT and DIAMOND are on either side of DOCTOR WHAT, blasting away at various other ants. DOCTOR WHAT is screaming into his communicator.
INT. -AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM-DAY
DOCTOR WHAT (o.v.)
(screaming)
Guys! We’re being attacked by giant ants!
Get us the fuck out of here!
LANDSHARK, DAVE HOWERY, GREY WOLF and WEAPON M stare at one another at this piece of news.
LANDSHARK
Doc—have you been in STRAHA’S green pills again?
DOCTOR WHAT (o.v.)
(screaming —we hear weapon fire in the background)
This is not a joke! There are giant freaking ants here!
Send down a rescue shuttle now! What the–!
(loud crackle of static is heard—followed by silence)
LANDSHARK
Doc? Doc? Hello? LEO—
what the hell just happened?!
LEO
I really don’t know. I’m still detecting their GPS signals.
They appear to be running at high speed through downtown L.A.—
but I can’t detect any signs of these giant ants they’re talking about.
GREY WOLF
LANDSHARK, WEAPON M and DAVE—
get your butts onto a shuttle and bring them
back now. Grab one of those Aussies with you. Go!
The three of them leave the Control Room.
EXT. –DOWNTOWN L.A. RUINS –DAY
We see DOCTOR WHAT, DIAMOND, KIT, MATT and IRONYUPPIE running frantically down a street, blasting at giants ants all around them. DOCTOR WHAT is screaming into his communicator.
DOCTOR WHAT
–rescue shuttle now! What the–!
Suddenly, the ground beneath the running ah.comers explodes outwards, knocking the ah.comers off their feet. We see DOCTOR WHAT’s communicator fly through the air and crash onto the ground.
Several giant ants slowly start crawling their way out of the newly formed hole. MATT and DIAMOND start blasting at some of them while KIT helps up DOCTOR WHAT, who’s bleeding from a gash on his head. More giant ants are coming out of the hole and there are over a dozen of them coming up behind the ah.comers. The four ah.comers turn right and run down a side street, blasting at ants along the way. IRONYUPPIE is lying on her back, separated from the rest of the group. There’s a giant ant almost on top of her.
We suddenly hear a crackle of electricity and the head of the giant ant goes flying off its body and lands in a wet thud about 10 feet away. IRONYUPPIE leaps up, turns left and runs down a side street in a different direction from the ah.comers. She’s using one hand to hold the BFG and the other for her Yo-Yo and is using both on any ants that she sees.
EXT-EARTH’S ATMOSPHERE-DAY
We see the shuttle ‘Buckaroo Banzai’ flying through a cloudbank at high speed.
INT. -SHUTTLE-DAY
LANDSHARK is at the controls with WEAPON M sitting next to him. DAVE HOWERY and MICHAEL are sitting in the back.
WEAPON M
How far?
LANDSHARK
We’re right over the southwestern part of the U.S.—
we should be arriving in L.A. in just a few minutes.
Alarms suddenly start going off.
WEAPON M
What the hell?
EXT – SHUTTLE – DAY
Coming out of a cloudbank some distance away from the shuttle is a large manta ray shaped green spaceship. Coming out from the top of the ship is a tentacle like structure topped off with a multi-colored ‘eye’. A laser blast shoots out from the ‘eye’ hitting the shuttle.
There is a massive explosion and the shuttle goes out of control, trailing a cloud of black smoke behind it. The weird green spaceship veers off and flies away and disappears into another cloudbank as the shuttle goes crashing down.
EXT. -RUINS OF L.A.-DAY
Four ah.comers are still being chased by giant ants.
DOCTOR WHAT
We lost IRONYUPPIE!
MATT
We’ll find her later—
we gotta get outta here first!
Up ahead we see a group of figures, all heavily armed. One of the men waves at the ah.comers.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Over here! This way!
The men around the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE open fire on the giant ants with several RPG launchers and bazookas, blasting the ants into fiery bits. The ah.comers run up to the figures and are herded into a steel reinforced doorway. The armed figures fire off a few more shots and rush into the doorway, sealing it behind them with a massive steel door. One of the giant ants rushes to the door just as it closes and bites it with its mandibles. There is a massive electrical shock and the ant bursts into flames and starts frantically running around in a blind panic. Several other ants get hit by the flaming ant and burst into flames as well.
EXT-SOUTHWESTERN U.S. DESERT-DAY
We see an enormous gully of torn-up bushes and disturbed earth. At the end of the gully is the shuttle, broken in two. A few flames can be seen here and there. WEAPON M, MICHAEL, DAVE HOWERY and LANDSHARK are standing on a small hilltop nearby, looking somewhat worse for wear but still relatively unharmed.
MICHAEL
Well—it could be worse.
WEAPON M pulls out a gun and points it at MICHAEL’S head.
WEAPON M
Don’t even THINK about finishing that sentence….
LANDSHARK
What the hell was that thing that shot us?
DAVE HOWERY
I recognize it. I don’t believe it and I hope
that I’m wrong but I definitely recognized it.
LANDSHARK
Well?
DAVE HOWERY
(beat)
Martian War Machine from the
movie War of the Worlds. The
version made in the 1950’s.
(shakes head in confusion)
LANDSHARK
Great. Just great! Giant ants and
now Martian spaceships. This is
turning into just a LOVELY day!
(shoots a defenseless bush in frustration) .
So—what do we do now?
DAVE HOWERY
Already called the ship—they said that the
rest of the shuttles are out of order.
(shrugs shoulders)
Hopefully G.BONE is on the case
and repairing the teleporter.
INT. -TELEPORTER ROOM-DAY
G.BONE is staring at a screwdriver in complete confusion. He sticks the screwdriver into a pile of circuits. There’s a brief electrical shock that causes G.BONE to drop the screwdriver. He picks up the screwdriver and looks at it in complete confusion. He sticks the screwdriver into a pile of circuits. There is a brief electrical shock that causes G. BONE to drop the screwdriver. He picks up the screwdriver….
EXT. – SOUTHWESTERN U.S. DESERT – DAY
DAVE HOWERY
I guess we just wait until help comes along.
Camera pulls away from the ah.comers and slowly pans over the desert for several seconds until we get to another hilltop several miles away from the ah.comers. Standing on top of the hill is a gigantic 100 foot tall TARANTULA.
It twitches its jaws for a moment and slowly starts moving in the direction of the ah.comers.
INT. -BUNKER-DAY
Camera pans over to show the corridor of a heavily reinforced concrete bunker of some sort. There are numerous figures running to and fro carrying various objects or weapons. It’s quite dimly lit in some places and the bunker has obviously seen a lot of use. A large metal elevator door creaks slowly open, spilling out over a dozen people, including the ah.comers.
The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE who called on the ah.comers leads the group down the long corridor. Several soldiers with the group break away and run down various side corridors they pass but several stay with the group, their weapons at the ready. Several individuals—both civilian and military—pass by the group. All of them salute or nod their head to the MYSTERIOUS FIGURE as they walk by. They stop at the entrance to a room.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
(jerking a thumb at the door)
Get them inside and get them cleaned and
patched up. Bring them to my room in
precisely one hour. Tell the patrols to keep
an eye out for their friend.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE walks away and the soldiers motion the ah.comers inside the room.
EXT-RUINS OF L.A.-SUNSET
IRONYUPPIE is running down a street, sweaty and out of breath. There doesn’t appear to be any ants following her for the moment. She stops next to the ruins of a chocolate shop to catch her breath. After a minute or two, she gets up and keeps running, heading towards the remains of a freeway off in the distance. Camera slowly pans up to reveal a large creature of some sort sitting on the roof of a building. It’s obscured by shadows from the setting sun and we are seeing it from behind so we are unable to get a good look at it but it’s easily 40 feet high and vaguely bird-like in nature.
CLOSE-UP –RED-RIMMED EYE – We can just barely make out the reflection of IRONYUPPIE running down the street.
EXT. -DESERT-SUNSET
The four members of the rescue team are sitting around a campfire. MICHAEL, WEAPON M and HOWERY are roasting marshmallows. LANDSHARK is sulking in a corner.
WEAPON M
Relax dude. She’s going to be okay. If anybody
can survive being attacked by giant ants, it’s
IronYuppie. I almost feel sorry for those suckers.
LANDSHARK
What about the rest of them?
WEAPON M
Meh—the Doc’s come back from the dead
so I’m not worried about him. Besides, he’s
got MATT and DIAMOND to watch his
back. Ok—sure—DIAMOND is some pansy
ass nancy navy boy but he’s mostly ok. So chill.
MICHAEL
(morbidly)
Yeah—we’re the ones in the middle of the
desert being shot at by Martian War Machines.
WEAPON M
–which we haven’t seen since it shot at us so—
like—chill, dude. DAVE—what’s up?
DAVE HOWERY
(deep in thought)
Huh? Wha? Oh nothing—just thinking—
LANDSHARK
About what?
DAVE HOWERY
Giant ants in L.A. Now Martian spaceships
shooting at us. There’s a pattern here.
LANDSHARK
You think something else is going to attack us?
DAVE HOWERY
Almost certain about that. But what?
MICHAEL
(eyes practically shooting out of their sockets)
S…S…S…Sp…Sp…
LANDSHARK
(confused look)
A spay? What the fuck is a spay, you crazy aussie?
MICHAEL
(shakily pointing a finger)
Sp…Sp…Spi…Spiii…
LANDSHARK, WEAPON M and DAVE HOWERY all turn to look in the direction that MICHAEL is pointing. Coming slowly over a hill about a quarter of a mile away is the TARANTULA.
ALL
SPIDER!!!!
MICHAEL
That’s what I’ve been trying to say, guys! Guys? Guys?
MICHAEL looks around and sees that he’s the only one still sitting near the campfire. He looks behind him to see the three ah.comers already 100 feet away from him and rapidly receding into the desert.
MICHAEL
Oh yeah.
(runs)
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. -BUNKER-DAY
The four ah.comers are sitting in a room. DOCTOR WHAT has a bandage around his forehead and the rest of them all look marginally better and slightly cleaner than they were before. MYSTERIOUS FIGURE walks in.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
I trust you guys are feeling a bit better?
DOCTOR WHAT
A little bit. Any news on our missing crewmember?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Good news, bad news and worse news. The good news
is that one of our patrols spotted your friend a few minutes
ago, still alive. The bad news was she was too far away
from him to make contact with her so she didn’t see him.
The worse news is that she was heading straight for Chinatown
—and the sun has begun to set.
(off confused looks from ah.comers)
There’s a …. thing … in Chinatown that even the ants are
scared to mess with. And it hunts at night.
(quietly)
I’m sorry.
The ah.comers stare at one another with various expressions of fear and confusion and sadness.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
But you four are still alive—and judging
by your appearance and that…ship of yours,
you’re obviously not from around here.
DOCTOR WHAT
You wouldn’t believe us if we told you.
It’s a pretty weird story.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
We’re in a city overrun by giant ants. Trust me—
nothing you say can weird me out. Tell you want—
I’ll tell you what’s going on here and you tell me. Agreed?
Ah.comers nod their heads.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
My name is Professor ZOOMAR. I am the self-styled leader
of this humble abode. It used to be a nuclear bunker back in
the old days. Nearly 200 feet underground. Reinforced steel-
concrete-lead walls. Designed to withstand a direct hit on the
city from a nuclear bomb. Now we use it as our hideout. Of
course we’ve made a few modifications to it over the years.
Anyways—it all happened back around 1962 when one of the
movie studios was building a new building and they came across
…something.
DOCTOR WHAT
Something?
ZOOMAR
A temple. A secret underground temple. They tried to hush
it up but word leaked out and some archeology profs at the
university found out about it. They sent in a team into the temple.
(beat)
They never returned. Within 3 days of their disappearance, we
had monsters of all kinds appearing in every corner of the globe.
They completely overwhelmed our armies. Soon they were laying
waste to entire cities. I heard stories that some of the governments
got desperate and started using nukes on some of the monsters to
stop them but obviously they weren’t very successful. What’s left
of the human race has been hiding since then in whatever shelters
and bunkers and fortresses we can find or build.
(beat)
What I’m going to tell you is something that very few people know.
It’s something that I’ve had to piece together from old records, burnt
out libraries and tracking down surviving experts over the last 20 years
and I’ve only finished putting all the pieces together just a few days ago.
Many thousands of years ago, there existed an ancient religious cult that
worshipped beings. Strange godlike beings from another dimension. This
cult believed that one day, these beings will finally break through into
our dimension. When that day occurs, it will be literally the
End of the World and the end of all life on this planet.
DIAMOND
(rolling eyes)
Except for the cult, right? They’ll end up
with super powers or something?
ZOOMAR
Actually no—they’ll be the first to get killed.
DIAMOND
Huh? What kind of fucked up religion is that?
ZOOMAR
(shrugging shoulders)
Meh—I’ve heard worse ones.
(beat)
In any case, this cult built temples in every corner
of the world but around 1860 or so, their cult was
killed off and all their temples destroyed. All but one,
that is. And it just rested there for all those decades—
until it was activated somehow.
DOCTOR WHAT
But giant ants?
ZOOMAR
Actually that part—all of this—was an accident on its part.
You see—in their home dimension—the beings are blobs
of formless energy. In order to interact in this dimension,
they have to take on physical manifestation. What they usually
do is reach into the minds of its worshippers and take on
the form of their worse fears and terrors—and then become t
hose forms. But here—they were woken up and they didn’t
have any worshippers so they reached out into the minds of
the closest people it could find and took on those form of those
people’s fears. And since this was a directly under a movie
studio that was cranking out monster movies…
MATT
(eyes widening)
No…fucking…way…
ZOOMAR
(nodding head)
Uh-huh. Now we have giant grasshoppers tearing up Chicago,
giant scorpions in Mexico, giant tarantulas in Arizona,
dinosaurs in a dozen countries, Martian War Machines
in 20 different countries, a giant octopus sinking ships
in the south pacific…
(beat)
(quiet voice)
God—Japan never had a chance—
all those Godzilla movies—poor bastards…
(shakes head)
…and, of course, giant ants.
DOCTOR WHAT
So—how can you stop something like this?
ZOOMAR
(smiling)
Ah—but here’s the interesting part—all of those
creatures out there are mere minions—foot soldiers
if you will. They are ultimately controlled and sustained
by the head creature. Destroy it and all of these
creatures will die off in days—maybe even just hours.
DOCTOR WHAT
Let me guess—you have a plan?
And it involves us, right?
ZOOMAR
Maybe. But first—your story.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well—ok. You see—it’s like this…
EXT. -RUINS OF CHINATOWN-NIGHT
We see IRONYUPPIE walking through a burnt out outdoor market. She hears a sound coming from behind her. And above her. She looks up.
MONSTER POV—the camera rushes towards IRONYUPPIE and suddenly goes black.
HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT—L.A. AT NIGHT – There’s a full moon high above the city. For just a brief moment, we see the moon blotted out by a large shape—carrying a struggling figure—flying across it.
EXT. -DESERT-NIGHT
We see WEAPON M, DAVE HOWERY, LANDSHARK and MICHAEL running frantically. They stop to catch their breaths.
WEAPON M
(gasping)
How…how…far…behind…us….?…
MICHAEL
(looking up)
Er…about one mile…maybe less…
WEAPON M
(gasping)
Never…going to outrun…it…
MICHAEL
Hey—look! An opening to a mineshaft!
LANDSHARK
(rolling eyes)
Oh good. Cause we know there’s absolutely
nothing that can go wrong with hiding in an
abandoned mineshaft in the middle of the
night in a monster infested desert….
DAVE HOWERY
You wanna stay out here with that spider?
LANDSHARK
Good point.
They all rush into the mineshaft.
INT. –BUNKER – NIGHT
ZOOMAR is standing in front of the ah.comers deep in thought.
ZOOMAR
So—you are essentially a bunch of dimension hopping,
porn obsessed, alcoholic lunatics who barely get along
with one another traveling through the multiverse getting
into all kinds of misadventures and craziness—
and you’re the GOOD guys?
DOCTOR WHAT
Pretty much.
ZOOMAR
That’s weird.
DOCTOR WHAT
You said you had a plan.
ZOOMAR
Oh yes—I do. It’s quite simple really.
We send in a team and blow up the
Head Monster in the temple.
DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked)
And we’re the team?!
ZOOMAR
You guys seem to have lots of experience with stuff
like this. And you seem to be phenomenally lucky.
Besides—I really don’t have the manpower or
resources to do something like this on my own
but with your assistance, it can work.
What say you?
DOCTOR WHAT
Do we have a choice?
ZOOMAR
No—not really no…
DOCTOR WHAT looks at the assembled ah.comers. All of them vaguely nod their heads or shrug their shoulders in a non-committal manner.
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
We’ll be thrilled to do it!
EXT-RUINS OF DODGER STADIUM-NIGHT
IRONYUPPIE is lying on the ground. She wakes up with a start and gets up and looks around.
WIDE SHOT – IRONYUPPIE is lying on what’s left of the baseball field. Surrounding her on all sides and scattered underfoot, are numerous bones of various animals and humans. She looks around for her BFG but can’t find it.
We suddenly hear an ear-shattering shriek from above. IRONYUPPIE looks up at something offscreen casting a huge shadow across her face that comes for a landing in front of her (but behind the camera)
WIDE SHOT – We see, standing about 50 feet away from IRONYUPPIE, is a 40 foot high PTERADACTYL. When it spreads its wings, they easily have a wingspan of nearly 100 feet. It shrieks again.
Its shrieks are so loud and high-pitched that small chunks of masonry fall from the walls of the Stadium and come crashing down onto the field.
There is no question whatsoever that this particular PTERADACTYL is the largest, meanest and most dangerous one of its kind on this world. It stares at IRONYUPPIE with red-rimmed eyes. It opens its jaws in drooling anticipation.
IRONYUPPIE pulls out her Yo-Yo and starts tapping it.
IRONYUPPIE
No fucking way you’re having me for a 3 am snack.
KING PTERADACTYL shrieks again.
MONSTER POV—the camera rushes towards IRONYUPPIE– and suddenly goes black.
INT. -ABANDONED SUBWAY TUNNEL-NIGHT
We see the four L.A. ah.commers, ZOOMAR and about a dozen or so young soldiers standing on the subway platform. Almost everyone is armed with various weapons. There’s an old subway train revving up on the tracks.
ZOOMAR
Pretty snazzy, huh? Some kind of secret emergency escape
route for the bigwigs in case of the Big One. Runs on
hydroelectric power, believe it or not. It runs straight
into the hills to the north. Passes right underneath Hollywood.
Soldier comes up to ZOOMAR
SMUZ
(saluting)
Sir—Private SMUZ. I just wanted to tell you that
I’ve always wanted to be included in one of these
missions and am honored you’ve chosen me.
Looking forward to this mission.
ZOOMAR
I hope all this works too, private.
DOCTOR WHAT
So—what’s the plan again?
ZOOMAR
We go into the temple. First team
(points to soldiers behind him)
play a diversionary role and draw the monsters
guarding the temple away from the main chamber.
Second team (
points at ah.commers)
break into the main chamber and
blow it up. Everyone runs like hell
away from the explosion when it goes off.
DIAMOND
(sarcastically)
Wow—complicated plan there—must have taken
you weeks to work out all the details of that one…
ZOOMAR
Let’s go!
Everyone piles into the subway car and it drives off.
INT. -OLD MINING TUNNEL-NIGHT
We see the ‘rescue team’ ah.commers milling around the corridor of the mining tunnel.
LANDSHARK
So. We’re in an abandoned mining tunnel hiding
from a giant spider. We’ve got no food and no
way to communicate with the ship. It’s still dark
outside and it’s freezing in here.
MICHAEL
Yeah—what more can possibly go wrong?
Ground starts to shake. Dusts falls from the ceiling. Suddenly, a section of the wall collapses to reveal….a GIANT SCORPION.
LANDSHARK
Remind me to shoot you if we
get out of here, MICHAEL.
They run off down a corridor. A few seconds later, the scorpion gives chase.
EXT. –RUINS OF HOLLYWOOD-NIGHT
We see the ruins of various movie studios. In the middle of a parking lot is a large hole. Emanating from the hole is a sickly purplish light. We also see at least 100 giant ants milling around.
Suddenly, a dozen rockets come arcing down into the assembled ants. Massive explosions occur as the entire area is lit up by a barrage of weapon fire from everything from machine guns to BFGs. We see at least 2 dozen ants are killed off within the first 30 seconds of the attack. A group of about half a dozen soldiers rushes towards the surviving ants and sprays everything with weapon fire then retreat rapidly. Many of the surviving ants rush after the soldiers. After a few minutes, the ah.commers (with several soldiers) rush into the fray, blasting at wounded or disoriented ants they come across. They get to the hole and leap in.
INT. -TEMPLE-NIGHT
We see the group standing in a corridor in the interior of the temple. The entire temple—walls, floor, ceiling—appear to be made from some kind of sickly greenish-yellowish marble that gives off a faint light. One gets the distinct feeling that the material is vaguely organic in nature and that one is walking through the innards of some great beast. We see DOCTOR WHAT pull out his scanner. He looks at it for a second and with a shout, he points in a direction down a corridor. The group rush down the corridor.
The corridor spirals down. As the group rush down, several giant ants appear in front of them. The ah.commers make short work of them and leap over the dead bodies. Behind them, more monsters appear and give chase to them.
After several minutes of running and shooting, the group rushes out into a large open oval shaped chamber. Along one section of a wall to their left is a black rectangular opening. Strange swirling light (of a color indescribable by humans) can be seen in the opening. A roar distracts the group from the opening and they look to their right for the source. They gasp and involuntarily take a step back.
Standing before them is the LEADER BEAST. It has a vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face is a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on its hind feet, and long, narrow wings behind it. This thing, which seemed filled with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, is of a somewhat bloated corpulence. In its front are two long spindly arms ending with a three clawed ‘hand’. It is over 50 feet high.
And it is pissed off.
With another roar, it rushes at the group, barely noticing the barrage of weapon fire from the group. With one of its hands, it reaches for one of the soldiers.
SMUZ
I guess it was a bad idea to
ask to be on this mission…
SQUISH!
The group scatters, blasting the creature with everything from rockets to BFGs to no effect. DOCTOR WHAT shifts his BFG over his shoulder and rolls towards a large backpack that was dropped and grabs it. We see that the backpack is bulging with bricks of plastic explosives. Just as DOCTOR WHAT is about to press the trigger device, a claw grabs him and picks him up.
The creature brings DOCTOR WHAT to his face. Just as it is about to eat him, it stops. The creature looks at DOCTOR WHAT with a quizzical look.
LEADER BEAST
(speaking with a loud guttural voice)
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh wgah’nagl fhtan?
DOCTOR WHAT
(slowly being squeezed by the creature)
Gaaa-aaaah?
LEADER BEAST
Ia! Ia! Fhtagn!
DOCTOR WHAT just shakes his head in confusion. With an ear-piercing shriek, the creature brings DOCTOR WHAT to his jaws again—and throws him in!
We see the jaws shut, swallowing DOCTOR WHAT whole! The creature turns to the surviving group who are still blasting away at the creature to no avail. The creature rushes towards KIT, DIAMOND and MATT–and suddenly stops. We hear a muffled explosion coming from the creature’s mouth and its eyes suddenly cross. It suddenly spits out an obscene looking glob of greenish mucus out of its mouth onto the ground in front of the ah.commers and takes a step or two back, shaking its head in confusion. In the center of the disgusting mound of goo it spit out is—DOCTOR WHAT, holding what’s left of a smoldering BFG. He’s doesn’t have the backpack of explosives with him.
DOCTOR WHAT
(on his back in obvious pain)
(pointing at creature with one hand)
Uh—boom?
The ah.commers look at DOCTOR WHAT in confusion, then turn to look at the creature. They look at each other with sudden realization, grab DOCTOR WHAT and run out of the chamber at high speed.
INT. -TEMPLE CORRIDOR-NIGHT
We see the ah.commers (carrying DR.WHAT) and 2 or 3 surviving soldiers run at high speed back up the spiral corridor, frantically blasting at various ants in front of them. Behind them, we hear a loud shriek—followed by a massive explosion. A wave of fire travels up the corridor. MATT is bringing up the rear of the group and notices the fireball behind them.
MATT practically launching himself at the fleeing group and tackling them to the ground.
MATT
DUCK!!!!
The group falls to the ground and the fireball travels above their heads and up the corridor, frying several giant ants in the process. They get up and keep running.
EXT. -RUINS OF HOLLYWOOD-SUNRISE
The ah.commers climb out of the hole–only to find themselves surrounded by a massive horde of giant ants coming at them.
DIAMOND
(pointing to a nearby movie studio building)
The roof! Hurry!
With the ants only a few feet behind them, the group quickly climbs up the building to the roof. The giant ants start climbing up the sides of the building after them.
We see the ah.commers and surviving soldiers huddled in a group on the roof.
MATT
Weapon Status!
DIAMOND
No ammo left.
KIT
None here either.
Soldiers shake their heads as well.
MATT
So—this is it—we’re going to die.
KIT
At least we died for a good cause.
DIAMOND
I would have preferred dying
for sex and booze actually.
The group nod their heads as well.
Two giant ants climb onto the roof and slowly start making their way towards the group.
DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at the sky)
Uh—guys—what’s that?
We can make out off in the distance a large flying creature coming towards the group at high speed.
MATT
Great! Just fucking great! Bad enough
we’re going to be ripped to shreds by
giant ants but now we’re going to be a
ttacked by a giant flying monster as well!
KIT
(staring at the creature)
Hey—is it just me or is there
someone riding that thing?
The group stares at the incoming creature—and their jaws drop.
CLOSE-UP-KING PTERADACTYL – We see—riding on the back of KING PTERADACTYL—is IRONYUPPIE. She has her Yo-Yo wrapped around the beak of the creature and using it as a makeshift bridle in one hand. In the other hand she has an iron bar topped with a large bear skull.
IRONYUPPIE
HUZZAH!
KING PTERADACTYL grabs the two giant ants coming towards the ah.commers in its claws and flies off, dropping them to the ground a few seconds later. It turns around and heads back to the ah.commers and lands gently on the roof.
IRONYUPPIE
Move your asses or lose them, boys.
The group leaps onto the back of KING PTERADACTYL and it flies off into the rising sun.
EXT. -SHUTTLE ‘JENNA JAMESON’ –NOON
ZOOMAR is shaking hands with the assembled ah.commers.
ZOOMAR
I can’t thank you people enough! Many of
the monsters are already beginning to die off!
You’ve saved us! You saved us all!
DOCTOR WHAT
Just happy to help out! Good luck with
the whole ‘rebuilding civilization’ thingy.
Ah.commers pile into the shuttle and it flies off with a roar.
END ACT II
TAG
EXT. – DESERT – DAY
We see the ‘rescue team’ ah.commers slowly trudging though the desert. Their clothes are ripped, many of them are injured and they are all sweating and gasping for breath.
LANDSHARK
Remind me again why we came down here?
WEAPON M
To rescue our friends.
LANDSHARK
Ah. Excellent job we’re doing.
There’s a roar of jets above them and the shuttle ‘Jenna Jameson’ lands in front of them. DOCTOR WHAT pokes his head out an open doorway.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey guys! We’ve come to rescue you!
The rescue team ah.commers groans and roll their eyes and reluctantly climb into the shuttle. With a groaning sound protesting the excess weight that it has to carry, the shuttle lifts up and flies off into the sky.
Screen goes black.
HOWERY (o.v.)
(sniffing)
Man—what is that smell?
Smells like vomit….
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS