TEASER

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The camera pans all around the AH.com. It is a majestic sight, cruising against the vastness of space.

We pan out further and see that it is fleeing from a horde of what appear to be steam-powered space battleships, all emblazoned with Imperial German flags.

INT. – AH.COM- CONTROL ROOM

LANDSHARK
Of all the steampunk worlds to visit, you just
HAD to pick the one with a dominant German Empire!

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, so I make ONE mistake!

LANDSHARK
No, ONE mistake is fine. It’s MANY
mistakes that are more worrying.

DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE HOWERY, how’s the Shift Drive?

DAVE HOWERY
She took a beating from their first salvo,
Cap’n! I dinnae think she’ll hold for jump.

DOCTOR WHAT
MAKE it hold!

DAVE HOWERY
I cannae change the laws of Physics, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ll have to chance it! Jump on my mark…
10…9…8…

A near-miss shot from the pursuing fleet explodes just to the port of the viewscreen

DOCTOR WHAT
7654321JUMP!!!!

The AH.com ship seems to fold in on itself and winks out of existence in that dimension. The German fleet zooms past and then hovers around, somewhat puzzled.

DOCTOR WHAT
(voiceover)
And for Ian’s sake, DAVE HOWERY, enough with
the James Doohan impressions.
Let the man rest in peace.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE HUNT FOR US AIN’T OVER”

Written By : FLOCCULENCIO

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

We see the AH.com Ship, it’s moving slowly across the screen.

OTHNIEL (Voice Over)
Are we there yet?

Pull back, we see the AH.com ship and in the far distant a blue dot, TTL’s Earth.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Pull in on DOCTOR WHAT looking somewhat bored.

DOCTOR WHAT
A week. We’ve been traveling a week.

LANDSHARK
Hey, You’re the one who did a shoddy job
at shifting out of the last universe.

DOCTOR WHAT
Always blame the guy in charge right?

LANDSHARK
Who else is to blame?

MICHAEL
Blame Thande!

THANDE looks up from where he’s been reading a book, looking slightly confused.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
So no one’s figured out anything to do yet?

VARIOUS CREW MEMBERS
Meh…guh…kill you all…zuh

They’re all too bored to do anything. Suddenly, a half-hearted chime comes from the speakers. LEO starts speaking over the PA.

LEO
I’m receiving a transmission from an
unidentified source, Captain- shall I patch it in?

DOCTOR WHAT
Make it so, LEO

The PA crackles to life and cheery music spills from the speakers.

VOICE
…don’t miss out on our great bargains on everything
from hardware to software to formal wear! The great
Singapore Sale- on all year, every year! We accept
any and all currency…hurry up! Time’s running out-
or is it?! Because our stores NEVER close!!

The CREW collectively sits bolt upright and starts yammering.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, where’s that transmission coming from?

LEO
Singapore, presumably. Duh.
(pauses)
Hang on a second…it’s coming from
somewhere nearer than Earth…
a LOT nearer

The crew sits in amazement as a vast, strangely constructed spacecraft rises towards them.

MICHAEL
Did they tack engines onto
an asteroid or something?

LEO
That’s no asteroid…

As the craft approaches they see that its heart is a city, trees and buildings clearly visible through the protective dome. The entire construction is around thirty miles in length and a quarter that in height.

LEO
Signal coming through Captain.
I’m patching it into the speakers.

VOICE
Unidentified ship- we have you targeted.
Identify yourselves! Are your intentions commercial?

The announcement is repeated in Chinese and Malay.

DOCTOR WHAT
Err…this is the AH.com and, yes,
our intentions are commercial, I guess.

VOICE
Excellent! You’re cleared for landing in Bay 37.
All prices on computer software are thirty percent
off this week. Welcome to the Serene Republic of
Singapore and have a profitable day.

Everyone looks about and shrugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
So, who’s up form some sightseeing?

LANDSHARK
As long as we don’t get
bloody shot at, put in a prison,
or nearly eaten by some pack
of ravenous porcupines.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, I already apologized about those porcupines.
I thought they were cute… Who knew they fed
upon the flesh of the living?

INT. -SPACEPORT-DAY

The AH.com lands in a vast landing bay. Ships of all kinds surround them and the floor is thronged with robots and people of all sorts making their way to what appears to be teleportation devices scattered around the landing bay.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay guys, keep together! We don’t
know much about this TL yet and…

The crew, ignoring him have already scattered in different directions. LEO comes clanking past in his android body.

LEO
Well, Bruno, at least you tried. Now what say we-

ADVERTISEMENTBOT
Greetings, mechanical sir! Please accept this
voucher for 10% off on all services at
Madam Wong’s Pleasurebot Parlour..

LEO
Does a Pleasurebot Parlour mean
what I think it means?

ADVERTISEMENTBOT
Why yes, sir, heheheh

DOCTOR WHAT
Hang on a minute, LEO, you can’t just-

LEO
Seeya later, Bruno

He clanks off towards a teleporter

DOCTOR WHAT looks around, somewhat dejected. Suddenly he whips around to catch a random street urchin, LUAKEL, by the scruff of his neck.

DOCTOR WHAT
My crew deserts me for baubles and geegaws,
my ships computer has gone to get his pipes
cleaned and I’m alone in a city I know nothing about.

LUAKEL
I am confused.

DOCTOR WHAT
Join the club, kid.

LUAKEL
You wanna buy some gum, mister?
I got an approval from the Ministry
of Gum Selling, So there’s no radioactive or
poisonous particles in my gun.
(holds out a pack of hum)

DOCTOR WHAT
Errrr….
(looks about)
Tell me where I can find
some porn and there’ll be a tip in it for you.

LUAKEL
Shh…not so loud- you’ll have the cops down
on us if you keep bellowing out the P-word!

DOCTOR WHAT
Great…just my luck.

LUAKEL looks shiftily from side to side

LUAKEL
But I can find you some if you want.
Of course it’ll cost you extra.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now that’s more like it!

He follows LUAKEL off through the crowd. Unseen by them, a shadowy figure follows.

FADE OUT to black.

EXT. -SHOPPING MALL – DAY

KIT, THANDE and DAVE HOWERY are wandering around, relaxed and happy. They have each made some purchased and have stopped to rest. Chinese pop music is playing over the mall’s audio system. As the song fades out, it is replaced by stirring martial music.

VOICE
(On the audio system)
Good day to you citizens and foreign friends!
Remember, every dollar you spend helps the
economy! And the thriving power of capitalism
keeps the shipyards and arms factories pumping
out weaponry to defend us all! Keep spending,
citizens, and have a prosperous day!

KIT
There’s something strange about this TL
but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

INT. -A SEEDY BAR – DAY

WEAPONM, MICHAEL and MATT are drinking.

MICHAEL is approached by a very attractive young lady.

LADY
(In a deep and husky voice)
Hey baby- me love you long time, ten dolla.

MICHAEL
Aaah! Ladyboy!
(He pauses meditatively)
Pre-op or post-op?

LADYBOY
Pre-op

MICHAEL
Aaah! Ladyboy!

LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE walk in through the door. LANDSHARK is barely visible under the pile of shopping bags he’s carrying.

LANDSHARK
- then we can hit that quant little store I
saw coming here, they had lovely shoes…

IRONYUPPIE
(eyeing bar)
I need a drink.

LANDSHARK
Well, hurry up. I don’t know how much time
we have before Doc realizes we stole his
Mistress Olga money. I want to at least hit
three more shops before we head back to the ship.

IRONYUPPIE
(sighing)
A strong drink.

MATT sees them and waves them over.

LANDSHARK
Mind giving a shipmate a hand MATT?

MATT
Screw that, Sharky. You’ve got a nice
strapping Amazonian Valkyrie at your side,
have her do the honors.

IRONYUPPIE
Easy there, jarhead.
Or you’ll find out why Sharky
walks funny every Thursday morning.

MATT
(grinning)
Is that a promise?

He turns back to the group of ORIENTAL BEAUTIES to whom he has been narrating his exploits.

MATT
Sorry about that girls…now as I was saying,
he thought I was unarmed but this armour
I’m wearing has a handy compartment
so I whipped out my rifle like this!

A compartment on the back of his powered armour opens and he expertly whips out a rifle. The bar goes silent for a second as all eyes turn to the AH.commers. Then the patrons stampede for the exit.

MATT
Was it something I said?

The AH.commers are left alone in the middle of the bar. Outside, sirens approach and the sounds of people running to and fro are heard. A VOICE begins addressing them through a loudspeaker.

VOICE
Foreign criminals! You are in violations of
the Arms Restriction Act of 1997. Come out
of there with your hands up or we will be
forced to use umm… force I guess.

IRONYUPPIE
I suppose we’d better go see what they want.

The AH.commers, weapons at the ready, stroll out of the bar. Numerous police cars are waiting with their occupants taking cover behind them.

MICHAEL
Hah…we’re more than a match
for some pissant police force!

With a roar of jump jets, three mecha touch down behind the police line.

LANDSHARK
Bugger.

EXT. -AN ALLEYWAY-DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
So porn is illegal you say?

LUAKEL
Yep- it’s the one vice that the
Chamber of Commerce doesn’t approve of.

DOCTOR WHAT
So how does a kid like you
know where to find porn?

LUAKEL
(rolls eyes)
Dude- I’m fourteen!
Porn is what I live and breath for.
That and mint flavored chicklets.
Want to buy some gum?

DOCTOR WHAT
Just take me to the porn.

LUAKEL leads DOCTOR WHAT to a battered door and knocks thrice. A robotic sensor pops out of the wall and scans them. The door hisses open and the duo enter.

LUAKEL
Told you I’d find you some…uh-oh-

Two cops are covering them with their sidearms while more block off the exit to the alleyway.

SERGEANT
You’d better come with us.

LUAKEL
Help! I’m confused! This nasty man
threatened to kill me if I didn’t find him porn!

SERGEANT
(to LUAKEL)
You hear that?

LUAKEL
No.

SERGEANT
That’s the sound of me not caring.
(to his men)
Bring the kid too!

FADE TO BLACK

INT. – MADAM WONG’S PLEASUREBOT PARLOUR- DAY

We see a black screen and hear only LEO’S voice

LEO
Oh! Yes! Yes! Ah!

We FADE IN to see LEO stepping away from a MECHANICBOT.

He rotates his shoulder joint.

LEO
Damn that feels better! Bloody joint’s
been out of alignment for weeks.

MECHANICBOT
I am glad that you feel better, mechanical sir.
Humans can be so neglectful and we at
Madam Wong’s seek to remedy all such complaints.

LEO
Excellent, good job…

MECHANICBOT
Bob, sir

LEO
Good job Bob- on your way out tell them
that I’m ready for the WHOREBOTS now.

MECHANICBOT
Will do, sir

INT- A PRISON CELL- DAY

A bunch of AH.commers are sitting around in varying states of dejection and irritability. They have all managed to get in trouble with the law somehow. The cell door opens and DOCTOR WHAT and LUAKEL are shoved in.

DOCTOR WHAT
I told you we should have stayed together

MATT
Y’know that would just mean that all of us would
have gotten arrested instead of just half of us.

WEAPON M
Who’s the kid?

DOCTOR WHAT
He’s Confused, I think.

LUAKEL
My name’s Luakel and thanks to
you I’m going to be executed!

DOCTOR WHAT
Executed?! For trying to buy porn?
Haven’t these people ever heard of jail time?

LUAKEL
(puzzled)
Jail…time…? That’s only in use in the liberal
countries- the Chamber of Commerce found
that the death penalty was much more efficient.

The cell door hisses open and a shadowy figure enters.

MICHAEL
Hey, I know this guy.

The man walks out of the shadows and we see that it’s FLOCCULENCIO.

FLOCCULENCIO
You should. I and my mecha-corvette helped
save your sorry asses in the Japanese-dominant TL.

IRONYUPPIE
I knew those mecha looked familiar…

DOCTOR WHAT
So how did you end up here?

FLOCCULENCIO
This is my home TL- I got caught in a
dimensional anomaly during a battle and
got tossed into a different TL. When I
took passage on your ship I was trying
to find my way back home.

MATT
What sort of battle? This whole place is
too damn peaceful. All this noise about
an eentsy PULVERISER-26 plasma rifle.

LUAKEL
We called them the Others. Six years ago they
arose from the multiverse in great ships with
terrible weapons. Travellers from other TLs had
told us of them but we never really believed them…

The crew look at each other forebodingly except for MATT

MATT
(to LUAKEL)
Who died and made you the Narrator?

DOCTOR WHAT
The…the Invaders…you beat them?

FLOCCULENCIO
We’re not sure. We don’t think so. We had our
small victories- we held the line twice at Mars,
we raided their supply depots on Titan. But after
three years of total war the tide was turning against
us. A fleet destroyed the Saturn colonies. Another
fleet wiped out our bases on Venus. Then, at the
Third Battle of Mars when they were on the verge
of crushing our last fleet, they just left. Shifted out of
this universe. That’s how I got lost in the multiverse,
my mecha got caught up in one of their vortexes. But
after that…things changed here. When I left, the
Serene Republic was mildly authoritarian- when I got
back the war was over but the possibility of the Others
returning had given the Chamber of Commerce the
chance to turn my nation into a full blown police state.
I want out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get us out of here and you can come with us.

FLOCCULENCIO
I’ve bribed the guards- I can’t get you out now but
rest assured, I’ll get you back to your ship somehow.

IRONYUPPIE
If you get us our weapons we can fight our way out.

FLOCCULENCIO
I doubt it. My people have been spending the past
six years developing weapons to defeat the Others
should they ever return- I’m quite sure our forces
will have no problem with you lot. Our capabilities
are far beyond yours. Just trust me and don’t make trouble.

He leaves, closing the door behind him.

MICHAEL
(imitating FLOCCULENCIOin a sneery voice)
“Our capabilities are far beyond yours”…
“saved your sorry asses”. Wanker.
We’ve got weapons and systems on our ship
that are far superior than what they have on
this puny rock. Remember Ian gave us a lot of
free stuff and Dave upgraded all our systems?

DOCTOR WHAT
(to Weapon M)
Is it true?

WEAPON M
I dunno.

DOCTOR WHAT
So how did you end up here, kid?

LUAKEL
I’m from Cowpat, Nebraska in another TL…
I wanted to see the world so I stowed away on
an interdimensional freighter. They found me
when they were loading cargo here and
kicked me out.

WEAPON M
What is this place anyway? Why is an island hooked
up to engines and flying around in space?

MATT
Don’t encourage narrator-boy.

LUAKEL
About fifty years ago…

MATT
Now, look what you’ve done.

LUAKEL
…the Chamber of Commerce decided that in
order to make a profit on the trade routes to the
Outer System they needed a presence in space.
So they basically converted their entire island
into a spaceship. When the Others came, the
Serene Republic served as a command centre
and main base for the united fleets of Terra. They
pretty much wiped out the Outer Colonies but
when they were closing on Earth our forces
turned them back here.
That was a few weeks before they left.

DOCTOR WHAT
And they’ve been developing weapons to
counter the Invaders ever since…if only we
could get hold of some of their technology…

MICHAEL
Yeah. Too bad it’s all
run by a pack of bastards.
(to Luakel)
So what’s your home TL like anyway.

LUAKEL
Kinda boring. Dad always used to say it was
a lot more exciting back before we finally
conquered the Canadians and
razed Toronto to the ground…

INT. – A SHOPPING MALL- DAY

THANDE
Shouldn’t you go find a replacement
part for the Shift Drive, DAVE?
DAVE?

DAVE HOWERY
(dreamily)
Huh…what?

KIT
Tee-hee-hee! Is that an electric razor in your
pocket or are you just glad to see me?

DAVE HOWERY flees in embarrassment.

INT. – OPIUM DEN- DAY

HENDRYK is reclining on a divan, dreamily chasing the dragon. He chats casually to two beautiful Chinese attendants.

His eyes glint in anticipation as one of the attendants rises.

They begin singing. It is a truly dreadful sight. Behind them, the door opens and FLOCCULENCIO enters.

FLOCCULENCIO
(to the attendants)
Out.

HENDRYK
Hey, I recognize you. What the hell
do you think you’re doing.

FLOCCULENCIO
Your friends are in trouble. I’ll
need your help to save them.

HENDRYK
Oh. Those guys.
(he pauses)
Y’know what? I rather like it here.

FLOCCULENCIO
Or I could do my duty as an upright Citizen
and turn you in for drug abuse.

HENDRYK
Just let me pay my bill and
I’ll be right with you.

INT. – CHAMBER OF COMMERCE- HALL OF JUSTICE- EVENING

The crew are hustled into an imposing courtroom and wait while the charges are read out. The JUDGE does not even bother to look up.

JUDGE
Have them executed. Next case!

The crew is restive but DOCTOR WHAT silences them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just trust FLOCCULENCIO

They are hustled down long corridors and tossed into an empty room.
Gas begins to hiss out of vents in the ceiling. Crewmembers start to slump to the ground.

DOCTOR WHAT
Note to self. Be less trusting in my next life.

He collapses.

FADE TO BLACK

END ACT I

ACT II

INT- AH.COM SHIP INFIRMARY- DAY

We fade into a blurred shot of the ceiling from DOCTOR WHAT’s POV. Voices are heard in the background.

TORQUMADA
You said they’d come around by now.
If you’ve lied to us I’ll…

STRAHA
Let’s just kill him! Or enslave him!
That’d be so cool!
(giggles

FLOCCULENCIO
(sipping an appletini)
Substituting nerve gas chemicals
isn’t an exact science.

THANDE
Actually, it is. It’s called Chemistry.

FLOCCULENCIO
Look- do you know how hard it was for me to
make that swap? And find the chemical that’d
make them appear dead? If HENDRYK hadn’t
managed to distract the guards I’d never have pulled it off.

THANDE
How did he distract the guards.

FLOCCULENCIO
Mime.

A shudder runs through the conscious crewmembers.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well…it may have been an affront
to humanity but it worked.

The few unarrested crewmembers cluster around him. The other arrested AH.commers, as well as LUAKEL, are in the other infirmary beds. Most of them are coming around.

FLOCCULENCIO
Glad to see you’re alive, Captain. I’ve had
your crews confiscated effects liberated from
the Police evidence lockers and
moved into your cargo hold.

TORQUMADA
This’ll perk you up, Captain.

He injects a syringe of glowing green stuff into WHAT’s arm and proceeds to do the same for each of the recovering crewmembers. The medicated crewmembers rise from their beds, though somewhat shakily.

MICHAEL
Damn…what’s in that shot?

TORQUMADA
Some sort of Singaporean wonder
drug FLOCCULENCIOtells me…

FLOCCULENCIO
Appletini.

They stare at him in shock.

FLOCCULENCIO
Oh, like you guys follow medical protocols
anyway. It worked didn’t it?

LEO strolls in through the door.

LEO
(Singing under his breath)
Daisy, Daisy- give me your answer do…
Hello there Captain- glad to see you’re up!

DOCTOR WHAT

LEO, power up the Shift Drives
and get us out of this TL!

LEO
I’m afraid I can’t do that Bruno. As you may recall,
our Shift Drive shorted out- DAVE HOWERY went
to look for a replacement and he isn’t back yet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where the hell is he?

LEO
I’m afraid I don’t…

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, LEO, I get the picture.

FLOCCULENCIO
I’ll try and find him but I’ll need some help, Captain.
If we do not leave soon the Chamber of Commerce
will surely figure out my ruse. And then we’re all in for a gassing.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Snappishly)
Yes, thank you, I think we’re
all able to figure that out.

FLOCCULENCIO
Jeez, I thought you Canadians were supposed to be polite.
You’ll have to send some of your people out to find him-
preferably those who haven’t already been processed
by the Republic’s legal system.

DOCTOR WHAT
Any volunteers?

Everyone develops an interest in the décor of the infirmary.

DOCTOR WHAT
Goddamit…HENDRYK- go with FLOCCULENCIO.
And…hmm…LEO and KIT.

INT. – MADAM WONG’S PLEASUREBOT PARLOUR- DAY

DAVE HOWERY
Ooh! Ah! Yessss!

He has just finished having his beard shampooed by a BARBERBOT

DAVE HOWERY
Aah…that feels great. Now-
send in the WHOREBOTS!

INT. – MADAM WONG’S PLEASUREBOT PARLOUR- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is sitting back on a chaise-longue smoking a cigar. Suddenly, the wall blows in. LEO CASEIUS tramps through the debris.

LEO
Come with me if you want to live.

DAVE HOWERY
What?

LEO
(impatient)
Look, do you have the parts
to fix the Shift Drive?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, sure, it’s just that I got this voucher…

LEO
Just follow me.
Perv.

INT- AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY

HENDRYK
DAVE is on board- he says he can get t
he Shift Drive fixed in five minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Has LEO uploaded himself to the main systems yet.

LEO
(Over the intercom)
Yes Captain. I regret to inform you
that we may have trouble

An image flashes up on the main viewscreen. Five mecha, emblazoned in Republic Police colours are approaching the AH.com.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fuck…can we charge our weapons?

DAVE HOWERY
(intercom)
Sorry Captain- power systems are down
until I can replace this part in the drive.

FLOCCULENCIO
(over intercom)
Don’t bother. You can’t stop them anyway.

DOCTOR WHAT
So you just want us to sit here and die?

FLOCCULENCIO
(over intercom)
You can’t stop them. I can.

MICHAEL
Okay, this guy’s got a
technological superiority complex.

A mech strides out of the loading bay of the AH.com ship. The approaching mecha pause for a moment before opening fire on FLOCCULENCIO. Their plasma blasts splash harmlessly on his mech’s armour. He responds with missiles, blasting one of them into slag.

FLOCCULENCIO
These are police models. Mine is military,
outfitted to fight the Others.

Five more mecha teleport into the landing bay and open fire on FLOCCULENCIO.

FLOCCULENCIO
(meditatively)
Of course fixing the Shift Drive would help a lot.
They’ll send in military models in a bit.

FLOCCULENCIO’s mecha leaps into combat exchanging fire with the police mecha. From the relative shelter of the AH.com’s loading bay, crew members fire on the enemy troops attempting to storm the ship.

INT- AH.COM- SHIP’S LOADING BAY- DAY

MATT and WEAPONM are firing through the loading bay door at enemy troops. A projectile bounces off MATT’s armour. We can hear a shrill ululating sound rising steadily in the background.

MATT
Tranquilizer darts. They’re
trying to take us alive.

WEAPON M
What? So they can kill us later?
(pauses)
What’s that sound, anway?

LUAKEL comes hurtling down the corridor towards the enemy, an axe in his hand, screaming unintelligible battle cries. He is peppered by tranquilizer darts and collapses in a heap without reaching the doorway.

WEAPON M
What the hell was that supposed to do?

MATT shrugs, they continue firing upon the boarding troops.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
(shouting into intercom)
Get that drive fixed DAVE HOWERY!

DAVE HOWERY
(over intercom)
Aaaaah! My beard’s caught in the gears!

A pause. DOCTOR WHAT is visibly simmering.

DAVE HOWERY
My little joke. We’re clear- engines are online.

FLOCCULENCIO walks into the bridge, sipping an appletini.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hadn’t we better get the hell out then?

DOCTOR WHAT does a double take. Behind him, on the viewscreen, FLOCCULENCIO’s mecha corvette comes under sustained fire from a military mech which has just teleported in.

FLOCCULENCIO
Remote control

He holds up a little remote control device.

FLOCCULENCIO
Pity about the mech. It won’t last long
if we don’t get away soon.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get the hell out of here

The AH.COM rises into the air as FLOCCULENCIO’s remote controlled mech, heavily damaged makes a desperate jump and catches on to its side. Picking up speed, the ship roars out of the spaceport.

DOCTOR WHAT
Jump, for Ian’s sake, Jump!

DAVE HOWERY
(over intercom)
We can’t- something’s inhibiting the Shift Drive.

FLOCCULENCIO
Ah…I had forgotten about the Jump Inhibitors.

DAVE HOWERY
Jump Inhibitors? How the hell do those work?

FLOCCULENCIO
This ain’t friggin’ Star Trek-
I’ve been technobabble free since ’93.

DOCTOR WHAT
Anything else you forgot to tell us?

FLOCCULENCIO
Dunno. Your best bet is to head for the Asteroid Belt-
the Jump Inhibitors only cover a certain range from
the City itself. If you get far enough away you’ll be
able to jump with no problem.

DOCTOR WHAT
Make it so.

FLOCCULENCIO
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
Make it so.

FLOCCULENCIO
Sorry, Picard, I just got here- I don’t know
how to fly this thing. Besides, I’m drunk.

DOCTOR WHAT
On this ship, that’s not necessarily a disadvantage.
You know the way there and the joystick’s right in front of you.

KIT
(whispering in Doctor What’s ear)
Joystick’s right behind you too.

FLOCCULENCIO
(Prodding the control panel nervously)
Where’s your regular pilot anyway?

DOCTOR WHAT
I have no idea. You can’t get good help these days…

He steps up to the controls and the AH.com lumbers away from the city-ship which is belatedly launching interceptors.

FADE TO BLACK

INT- AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR

MATT, LUAKEL and THANDE are walking slowly down the corridor. Behind them, DIAMOND is tiptoeing exaggeratedly.

DIAMOND
(in an Elmer Fudd stage whisper)
Be vewy, vewy quiet!

LUAKEL
Why?

MATT makes as if to throttle him but is restrained by DIAMOND.

MATT
But he keeps asking questions!

DIAMOND
(whispering)
There’ll be time to kill him later. We
need to make as little noise as possible.

THANDE
(irritated)
WHY do we have to be quiet?

MATT
(mumbling)
Don’t you start…goddamned Limey…
kill you all…Stars and Stripes Forever…

DIAMOND
Duh…haven’t you watched the Hunt for Red October?
I served on a sub, I know all about silence drills.

LUAKEL
This is a spaceship not a submarine- and
sound doesn’t travel through a vacuum.

Pause

MATT
I hate to admit it but he’s got you there, Jim.

A vein begins to throb in DIAMOND’s forehead. He turns and advances on LUAKEL, his fists slowly clenching and unclenching.

LUAKEL
(nervously)
Eh… what’s up Doc?

Fade to Black

INT. -AH.COM- CONTROL ROOM DAY

IRONYUPPIE is standing at the viewscreen through which we can see asteroids spinning majestically past the ship. LANDSHARK is at the controls. A few other crewmembers are in the background, clustered around DOCTOR WHAT who is taking into the intercom.

DOCTOR WHAT
…so you think you can fix the mech up?

DAVE HOWERY
(over intercom)
Well it won’t work as well as before but I think
I can jury-rig something. Should be able to get
it up and running in about a week.

The muffled thud of an explosion shudders through the AH.com

FLOCCULENCIO
(grabbing the intercom from DOCTOR WHAT)
Sweet Zombie Jesus, you imbecile!
What have you done to my mech?!

DAVE HOWERY
(somewhat dazed)
Better make that two weeks.

MICHAEL
(laughing derisively)
I say we just put this poncy Singaporean wanker
to cleaning the latrines. Without that mech he’s useless.

FLOCCULENCIO
I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.

Overcome by an instinctive Aussie response, MICHAEL turns pale and sprints out of the room. He re-enters a few seconds later, looking somewhat sheepish.

FLOCCULENCIO
Gets the Aussies every time.

IRONYUPPIE
Take a left. No, your other left. Now mind that asteroid.
You came a bit too close to the last one.

LANDSHARK’s knuckles are turning white as he clutches the controls.

LANDSHARK
(through gritted teeth)
Yes…dear…

IRONYUPPIE
(pushing LANDSHARK aside)
I’ll do it. Go play with your corsets or something.

LEO
(over intercom)
Attention all personnel- I have detected two
Singaporean interceptors approaching us.
I’m patching their transmissions through.

INTERCEPTOR 1
Greetings former consumers- I’m Flight Lieutenant Tan
of the RSS Keynes and I’ll be your executioner today.
If you will, please fill out this customer service form
I’m uploading to your system and…

DOCTOR WHAT
You want us to fill out a customer service
form before you try to kill us?

INTERCEPTOR 1
Well…yeah. We get bonuses for
good customer service so-

INTERCEPTOR 2
Hold on there you slimy son of a bitch.
I saw it first- I’ll be damned if you’re
stealing my commission again.

INTERCEPTOR 1
That’s it bitch, you’re going down.

The 2 Interceptors peel off from the pursuit and start dogfighting.

LANDSHARK
What the hell just happened?

DOCTOR WHAT
No idea. YUPPIE…take us deeper into the asteroid belt.

EXT- SPACE- DAY

The AH.COM moves majestically forward deeper into the belt. An asteroid scrapes along its side with a teeth-gritting screech.

INT- AH.COM- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LUAKEL peeks around the door of the bridge.

LUAKEL
Women drivers…

IRONYUPPIE
Why you little…

LUAKEL
Meep meep!

As she takes her hands off the controls and sprints after the rapidly retreating LUAKEL, the AH.com cruises towards a massive asteroid. At the last moment, it veers away from the mass of rock and iron.

LEO (to himself)

Human drivers…so fallible…
so…imperfect.
Someday…

He sets the AH.com back on a relatively safe course but reconsiders as more interceptors begin to appear within his sensor range.

INT. – AH.COM- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO…why are we accelerating?

Another asteroid misses the bridge by mere metres.

LANDSHARK

Oh goody. We’re all going to die. Can
someone help me tighten this corset?

LEO
First Law: An artificial intelligence may not
injure a human being or, through inaction,
allow a human being to come to harm.
Second Law: An artificial intelligence must
obey orders given it by human beings except
where such order would conflict with the First Law.
Third Law: Fuck that.
Hang on to your butts gentlemen.

The AH.COM tears through the depths of the asteroid field, Interceptors in hot pursuit. LEO displays a dazzling set of piloting skills, weaving through the field on a course so complex that only a machine could plot it. Behind the AH.COM we see a number of explosions as less skilled and less lucky Interceptor pilots smash into the asteroids.

INT. -AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDORS

Various crew members are rushing to man the gun turrets, blazing away at the remaining Interceptors. There are still far too many of them for comfort.

INT. – AH.COM- CONTROL ROOM

LEO
I’m patching through a transmission
from the enemy, Bruno.

SQUADRON LEADER
You are on the way to destruction.

DOCTOR WHAT
What you say?!

DAVE HOWERY
(over the intercom)
Sensors indicate that we’re out of the Inhibitor’s
range, Cap’n. I’m spinning up the Shift Engines.

INT. – LEAD INTERCEPTOR- COCKPIT

SQUADRON LEADER
(transmitting to the AH.COM)
You have no chance to survive, make your time!

As he says this a vortex opens before the AH.com and the ship plunges in, the cortex disappearing immediately afterward.

SQUADRON 2 I/C
Well…you and your little speech screwed that one up.
“Launch the missiles” I said… but oh no, you had to
hail them first to gloat. Fucking drama queen.

The Interceptor Squadron turns tail and heads back out of the asteroid field, it’s two senior officers still in their heated argument.

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM- CREW LOUNGE- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
(to FLOCCULENCIO)
So your people have spent the past
six years training to beat the Invaders?

FLOCCULENCIO
(sipping on an appletini)
We lost millions of men before we were granted
a reprieve- we’re willing to expend as much capital
as it takes to make sure we’re prepared if they ever
return. Unfortunately I don’t know anything about
the technical side of stuff. I got drafted to fight the war,
same as everyone else. And I don’t know how
long it’ll take to fix my mech.

DAVE HOWERY
(over intercom)
Three weeks! Four, tops!

DOCTOR WHAT
Well- welcome to the crew anyway.
You too LUAKEL.

LUAKEL
I’m confused

MATT, mellowed by alcohol, cuffs him gently.

DOCTOR WHAT
We all are kid.
You’ll get used to it.

LANDSHARK
Hey, at least we didn’t try and get
eaten by ravenous porcupines…

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s that…

LUAKEL
Look what I found wandering the corridor!

LUAKEL holds up a porcupine, wearing heavy gloves and laughing as the porcupine gnaws at the gloves.

LANDSHARK
(terrified)
Holy crap!
Kill it!

LUAKEL
(confused)
But I didn’t do anything wrong…

Weapons begin cocking.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS