TEASER
EXT. – DESOLATE BEACH – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is kneeling on the sand staring with fiery eyes at something off-camera.
DOCTOR WHAT
YOU MANIACS!
YOU BLEW IT UP!
DAMN YOU!
GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
The camera viewpoint changes to reveal that sticking up out of the sand in front of Doctor What, battered but recognisable, is the top of the CN Tower.
We hear half-ironic applause from off-camera. DOCTOR WHAT turns to see IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND there.
IRONYUPPIE
A virtuoso performance, Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT
(a little embarrassed)
Yes…well…practice, you know…
DAVE HOWERY appears from behind a cliff and joins the others.
DAVE HOWERY
Okay, the damn ship’s refuelled.
Now let’s get out of here.
DAVE HOWERY observes DOCTOR WHAT’s roleplaying and shakes his head pityingly.
DAVE HOWERY
You’ve got to learn to grow
out of these film fantasies, Doc.
IRONYUPPIE
Childlike really.
DAVE HOWERY
Oh, I agree.
DOCTOR WHAT
(rises to his feet, coughs meaningfully)
All right. AS THE CAPTAIN,
I concur that we should return to the ship.
Let’s go and beam up.
The others totally ignore his pointed tone, but when DOCTOR WHAT sets off, DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE follow. DAVE HOWERY stays behind, watching. When it looks like they’re out of earshot, he falls to his knees and begins shaking his fist at the CN Tower.
DAVE HOWERY
YOU GENIUSES!
YOU BLEW CANADA UP!
BLESS YOU!
GOD BLESS YOU ALL TO HEAVEN!
DAVE HOWERY glows with teleportation energy and vanishes, while in the distance the other three also glow and fade. A second later, a window on the top of the CN Tower swings open and TWO TORONTONIANS look out.
TORONTONIAN #1
Strange people.
TORONTONIAN #2
Pity they came during the
Festival of Sand, the city’s
usually much cleaner than this.
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“AMERICAN EMPIRE: THE HOLDER CANNOT SCENT”
Written By : THANDE
ACT I
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY
G.BONE is casually flicking switches on the control board. Four columns of glittery light appear on the pad and begin to resolve themselves into the figures of DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE, DIAMOND and DAVE HOWERY – but then they begin to shimmer and fade – G.BONE looks up from his Playboy in horror.
G.BONE
Totally bogus dude!
G.BONE hits the alarm and begins desperately fiddling with more switches. The columns begin to get more solid, but still don’t materialise. As the alarm sounds, the door opens and HENDRYK and KIT enter.
HENDRYK
What’s going on?
G.BONE
Dude, I’m losing the signals of
Doc What’s party!
There’s somekinda interference
in the atmosphere…redirecting
the teleportation beam!
KIT
(horrified)
Well…uh…compensate, or
whatever it is you do!
G.BONE hits switch after switch, but the columns begin to fade again, until they finally blink out in four points of light.
HENDRYK
Quelle horreur!
Where have they gone?
KIT
(morbidly)
Poor Bruno’s probably had his
molecules smeared across a continent.
HENDRYK
It’s the way he would have wanted to go.
KIT
Don’t be stupid, he’d have wanted to gone
preforming cunnilingus to the last one of
the Swedish women’s swim team.
HENDRYK
Ah yes.
G.BONE
(staring at his control panel)
This is bad.
I have no idea what this means.
HENDRYK
Well, what did all those buttons
you pressed do?
G.BONE
Uh…
Suddenly the comm crackles.
MATT
(comm-distort)
Hey, I don’t know what you did,
but the air conditioning in the lounge
is finally working properly!
G.BONE avoids HENDRYK and KIT’s glares.
EXT. – DECAYING STREET – EVENING
DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND materialise in the middle of a street filled with rusting, failed-industry type buildings. They look around, perplexed.
DOCTOR WHAT
Looks like the redecoration effort
got a little out of hand.
DIAMOND
Oh, ha ha. Obviously the
teleportation beam has been
redirected somehow.
IRONYUPPIE
To somewhere else on this planet?
But it looked all desolate…
DOCTOR WHAT
And where’s Howery?
DIAMOND
Who cares?
They nod in agreement.
Suddenly two people wearing blue-grey military uniforms and holding truncheons and guns march up to the three Ah.commers. These are Sergeant SBEGIN and Corporal VALAMYR.
SBEGIN
(slight French accent)
Halt! Arretez!
You are breaking curfew!
DOCTOR WHAT
(with dignity)
Ma’am, I’m a free Canadian, and-
VALAMYR
(shocked)
He admits it!
SBEGIN
That saves us beating a
confession out of him.
DIAMOND
Wha-?!
SBEGIN
(pauses; stares in surprise at DOCTOR WHAT)
The resemblance is uncanny…
They must be planning an infiltration!
Bring him in. And his friends too.
Traitors, the lot of them.
DOCTOR WHAT
Traitors?! But-
IRONYUPPIE pulls out her Electric Chinese Razor Yo-yo of Death and taps it into her palm significantly.
IRONYUPPIE
You lay a hand on Bruno and you’ll
have to go through me fir – urrrghk!
Another soldier has risen behind IRONYUPPIE and knocked her out with a blow to the head. As DOCTOR WHAT and DIAMOND turn in horror, the soldier does the same to them.
SBEGIN
Good work, Corporal Quarantesept.
QUARANTESEPT is obviously an alternate version of FORTYSEVEN.
QUARANTESEPT
(smiling)
Thank you, ma’am.
VALAMYR
Now let’s drag them in.
As the soldiers do so, we see DAVE HOWERY’s face lean around the corner of a nearby alleyway and observe them…
Then the camera slowly rises and we see that every building is flying a U.S. flag with 30-odd stars…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – GAMING ROOM – DAY
The room is occupied by a large table. Seated there are THANDE, OTHNIEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL, playing some sort of poker- or bridge-like card game, but their cards have pictures of timelines on. They’re betting with Time in hourglasses, as seen in “Hub(ris)”.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN pours a few grains of blue Time from his hourglass and pushes it into the middle of the table.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Three hours.
MICHAEL
(pushing Time of his own)
I’ll see your three and raise you three.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Stands at six hours – gentlemen?
THANDE and OTHNIEL shake their heads and fold.
MICHAEL
So it all comes down to this…
MICHAEL throws down his cards, which display:
MICHAEL
(triumphantly)
Confederate Victory in ACW!
Nazi Victory in WW2!
British Victory in ARW!
A perfect Triad!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN has gone pale. MICHAEL reaches out to take his winnings, but PSYCHOMELTDOWN grabs his arm.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait. I haven’t shown MY cards.
MICHAEL
(scoffs)
But surely…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN quietly drops his cards, revealing:
MICHAEL
What the f-
Are you cheating?!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Just lucky.
One Successful Sea Lion.
And the cards he’s dropped indeed, when laid out in the right pattern, suggest the shape of a sea lion.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN drags in his winnings.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Six hours of your life, Michael…
I think I’ll use it to ogle Alyson Hannigan.
MICHAEL looks scandalised and violated. Getting angry, he rises and is obviously about to tip the table onto PSYCHOMELTDOWN when –
KIT, HENDRYK and G.BONE burst in.
KIT
Something terrible’s happened!
OTHNIEL
What?
HENDRYK
Doctor What’s party vanished
while teleporting back!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh.
That’s nice.
He and MICHAEL shrug, then go back to what they were doing.
OTHNIEL
This is terrible!
THANDE
Who else vanished?
KIT
Oh, Diamond, Dave and Erikka…
LANDSHARK bursts in toting a BFG, which he points at G.BONE.
LANDSHARK
You are going to get her back,
Mister Jumped Up Sandwich Islander,
or your bottom will wish it had never been born!
G.BONE
(recoils)
Look I’ll do what I can, but chill, dude.
Pointing big weaposn at people aren’t
going to help matters..
Everyone is stareing at LANDSHARK in horror.
LANDSHARK
What?
OTHNIEL
Um…
Next time can you please put
some clothes on before threatening G.Bone?
KIT
(cocking his head at an angle)
Yeah, that BFG doesn’t quite cover everything…
HENDRYK
ANYWAY!
I need all of you to help
us trace where they ended up!
MICHAEL
Why should we care?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN nods along with him.
THANDE
Hey, doesn’t Bruno owe you both money?
MICHAEL/PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Let’s get him back right now!
They all dash out of the room, THANDE pausing to exchange a rueful head-shake with OTHNIEL.
INT. – PRISON – NIGHT
Harsh artificial electric lights illuminate the concrete interior of a makeshift prison. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting on a wooden chair, brooding; DIAMOND is lying on a cot reading a fragment of old newspaper; IRONYUPPIE is rattling the bars fruitlessly.
IRONYUPPIE
Goddamned savages.
Jumping me like that…
DIAMOND
Hey, I’m trying to read this
fragment of old newspaper I
conveniently found here.
(adjusts his glasses and stares)
Something about the 1936 Olympics
being hosted by…the CSA?
DOCTOR WHAT
So we were shot into another timeline.
A Confederate victory one…
IRONYUPPIE
(shrugs)
They’re ten a penny.
DOCTOR WHAT
But that doesn’t explain
why we were locked up like that.
Where are we, anyway?
DIAMOND
This newspaper is the Toronto Gazette.
I’d guess we moved in crosstime but not in space.
DOCTOR WHAT
(bewildered)
Toronto?
But then-
Suddenly lights blaze outside the cell and the three soldiers from before enter.
SBEGIN
Well, traitor scum, it seems
your little attempt at infiltration
has gone to the very top of the ladder.
DOCTOR WHAT
What infiltration?! We’re-
VALAMYR
Save your lies!
QUARANTESEPT
For now you meet the man
who strikes terror into the
heart of all traitors!
SBEGIN
Captain Brouneaux Lombardin-
DOCTOR WHAT gapes.
FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
Or as they call me,
DOCTEUR QUOI.
A figure steps forward from the shadows. He looks exactly like our Doctor What, but wearing the same blue-grey uniform as the others. He speaks with a slight French accent.
DOCTEUR QUOI
For I always get the ‘What’
from my prisoners…by one
means or another!
The Ah.commers just keep gaping.
DOCTEUR QUOI
Quarantesept, Valamyr!
You shall escort the infiltrator
to my office for interrogation!
Sbegin, you shall stay here to
guard the others.
SBEGIN
(salutes)
Yessir.
DOCTEUR QUOI
(teasingly)
I hope you can sniff out
any trouble from them.
SBEGIN
(stiffly)
Sir, you know I hate people
talking about how I have no sense of smell.
DOCTEUR QUOI
Sorry, Sergeant. Let’s go.
For the République du Québec!
SBEGIN
And our gallant American allies!
The camera pans up to reveal DAVE HOWERY listening at the window…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY
The room is almost unrecognisable. Access panels have been opened everywhere, computers have been plugged in, thick cables snake from one to the other. It’s crowded with several Ah.commers staring at display screens.
THANDE
(pointing at a sinewave-like graph)
Look at this frequency.
That’s not of this timeline.
HENDRYK
You mean they were transported
to another timeline?
THANDE
That’s right.
KIT
(happily)
Bruno’s not dead!
MICHAEL
Pfft, unless it was a Straha timeline.
KIT stops smiling.
G.BONE
A crosstime teleporter!
That’s totally cool!
HENDRYK
Only if we find a way to bring
them back.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(staring at cables)
I think I know how we can do it,
but I need to know which timeline
they went to.
THANDE
(pointing at graph)
See this peak? And this one?
The POD’s definitely in the second
half of the nineteenth century…
KIT
That hardly narrows it down.
THANDE
And we’re dealing with a TL
that would be mistaken for 1941.
MICHAEL
(head half buried in a console)
That’s enough data. We can try
bringing them back.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
KIT, connect those two cables
together, would you?
KIT kneels down and begins fiddling with two cables coming out of console.
MICHAEL
Okay –
Goat, try it now.
G.BONE touches a control and the panel blows up in a spectacular display of sparks.
MICHAEL screams and pulls his head out; his hair is on fire. PSYCHOMELTDOWN helpfully puts it out with a nearby bottle labelled ‘URINE RE-CYC’.
MICHAEL
What the hell happened there?!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Let me see.
He goes over to the other console and looks at KIT’s handiwork. His eyes widen.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh, Kit…the male connector ends
are supposed to go into the female connector ends…
KIT
(tuts)
That’s positively homophobic!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sighs)
Now we’ve burnt out the teleporter.
KIT
Maybe we should try something different.
After all, we might need to send real
muscle there to rescue Bruno…
(pause, then dreamily:)
Heheh, real muscle…
INT. – PRISON – DAY
IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND are still gloomily seated in the cell when they hear tapping on the bars at the small window. They glance at SBEGIN, who is ostensibly watching them from a desk but is really engrossed in a magazine. They stand on the bed to see DAVE HOWERY at the window.
IRONYUPPIE
Howery!
That’s the first time I’ve been glad to see you!
DAVE HOWERY
Flatterer.
Okay, what do I do now?
DIAMOND
What?! Bust us out, that’s what!
DAVE HOWERY
Yeah…thing is, I’ve been looking
around, and…
The Quebeckers may be the occupying
forces, but this land’s AMERICAN.
There’s US flags everywhere…
DIAMOND
What’s that got to do with anything?!
DAVE HOWERY
Um…well…when it comes to having to
help you guys against an America that’s
rightfully conquered Canada…
He shrugs and drops from the window to the ground outside. DIAMOND angrily leans out of the window.
DIAMOND
HOWERY!!!
SBEGIN looks up.
SBEGIN
Quiet in there or I’ll
demonstrate the garlic sauce trick.
They are silent.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY
The hangar bay is full of battered-looking shuttles. One of the least battered is being worked on by MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN while the others watch.
KIT
So the signal’s not strong enough
to take the whole ship through, but…?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But we can manage this crosstime-
equipped shuttle.
OTHNIEL
Need I remind you, the last time
we tried this Doctor What crashed
into the Hub?
MICHAEL
I doubt we’ll be as lucky this time.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay, done. Everybody in.
They pile into the shuttle, which rises from the hangar deck and shoots out into space.
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
The desolate Earth from before is visible below. As we watch, the shuttle projects a red vortex and dives into it…
G.BONE
Engaging crosstime drive-
The shuttle and vortex vanish.
END ACT I
ACT II
INT – PRISON – DAWN
As before. The sun is just rising, visible through the small window. DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE wake, yawning; SBEGIN is still at her desk, drinking coffee.
DIAMOND
Now what?
IRONYUPPIE
Now we-
The door opens and a figure comes in. It’s DAVE HOWERY, dressed in a Quebecois uniform, with a bushy fake beard, and clutching a brown paper bag. IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND stare at him, as does SBEGIN.
SBEGIN
Who are you?
DAVE HOWERY
Private, uh, Daveed Howerie.
DIAMOND quietly groans.
SBEGIN
And why are you here?
DAVE HOWERY
Docteur Quoi sent me to
get some toasted bagels
for the prisoners’ last-
(winks at them)
uh, I mean their breakfasts.
SBEGIN
(tuts)
Brouneaux is getting soft.
I’ll take them for myself.
She grabs the bag, takes a bagel, bites into it – and instantly collapses backwards, falling onto the desk.
DAVE HOWERY
Mission accomplished!
He grabs the keys from the desk and unlocks the cell. DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE come out.
IRONYUPPIE
Howery, you-
DIAMOND
I’m going to strangle you!
DAVE HOWERY
Jeez, you can go back in if you want.
IRONYUPPIE
So you decided to help us anyway?
DAVE HOWERY
Yeah…
Any America that, having conquered Canada,
turns it over to the damned FRENCH has
forfeited any right to my allegiance!
They exchange nods.
DIAMOND
So what was in those bagels?
DAVE HOWERY
Borrowed a trick from Thande:
radioactive chloroform.
IRONYUPPIE
But that stinks!
How come she didn’t notice-
DAVE HOWERY
(smirks)
Because, in this American Empire,
the holder cannot scent.
They shake their heads.
IRONYUPPIE
C’mon! Let’s go get Bruno back!
They exit, leaving the comatose SBEGIN behind.
EXT. – OHIO – DAY
Ohio is devastated, with Confederate and US lines having torn up the ground. Fighters duel in the air and ‘barrel’ tanks clash on the ground. We focus on a group of two soldiers in butternut: Captain BRIANP and Sergeant CSA945.
BRIANP
(as the shells land)
Quiet day.
At least compared to the Great War.
CSA945
Yeah.
And this time we’ll kick the damnyankees’
pasty white asses for sure!
BRIANP
(laughs)
I think we already have.
Two other CS soldiers, Corporals CONFEDERATEFLY and CODEMAN, approach holding a scared-looking teenager between them.
CSA945
Report!
CONFEDERATEFLY
Another looter.
CODEMAN
Damnyankee.
LUAKEL
(for it is he)
That’s not fair!
You Rebs are always stealing our stuff,
why can’t I take a bit of yours?!
The Confederates exchange pitying glances.
BRIANP
Take him out and have him shot along
with the…uh…specials.
CODEMAN and CONFEDERATEFLY nod, drag LUAKEL to a prison van, which sets off toward the horizon, and return.
BRIANP
(singing)
Oh I wish I was in a land of cotton,
where old times are not forgotten,
Look away…
CSA945
(singing)
Look away…
CONFEDERATEFLY
(singing)
Look away…
CODEMAN
(screaming)
LOOK OUT!
The four CS troops dive to the floor as the Ah.com shuttle roars past overhead.
CONFEDERATEFLY
Must be some new damnyankee wonder weapon!
CSA945
Wait – our Hound Dogs are tackling it!
And indeed the fighters have begun raking the shuttle with machinegun and cannon fire.
BRIANP
(puzzled)
And so are the Yankees’ Wrights…
Something explodes in the shuttle’s engines and it drops to earth, trailing smoke. There’s a muffled explosion on the horizon.
BRIANP
(shrugs)
Doesn’t matter.
Now to get back to winning this war!
Freedom!
ALL
FREEDOM!
EXT. – ANOTHER PART OF OHIO – DAY
The smoking Ah.com shuttle lies at the end of a long groove it’s ploughed in the ground. The crew are standing around it, shaking and smoking some of Straha’s leftover spliffs for their nerves.
MICHAEL
Worst…landing…ever…
G.BONE
(defensively)
We survived, didn’t we?!
HENDRYK
(holding his stomach)
I’m not sure that’s a good thing.
THANDE is fiddling with a scanner.
THANDE
Hey, I think I’ve located Doc What
and the others.
(Pause)
They’re in…Toronto?!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And we’re in…Ohio?
Bit of a trek on foot.
LANDSHARK
Point, so we don’t go on foot.
A Confederate prison truck trundles past. LANDSHARK jumps out in front of it, pointing his BFG at the windscreen.
The truck runs him over.
LANDSHARK gets up, tyre marks across his face, incensed.
LANDSHARK
Right. Now I’m REALLY angry.
He fires several blasts from the BFG at the retreating truck, bursting a tyre and then blasting the back doors open. Two figures climb out – LUAKEL and a starved-looking ROBERT6165 in a prison uniform with a number on the back.
ROBERT6165
Well, that was an interesting ride.
LUAKEL
(sarcastically)
I especially liked when they beat us.
The truck’s driver jumps out and begins spraying submachinegun bullets at the escaping prisoners, before he intercepts a blast from LANDSHARK’s BFG and falls to the ground, a gaping hole in his chest.
LANDSHARK
(satisfied)
P-doubleyew-’ned.
ROBERT6165 and LUAKEL reach the Ah.commers.
ROBERT6165
You’ve got to help us get
out of here. The damned
Freedomists want our balls.
KIT
(staring at LUAKEL)
I won’t do the obvious joke.
HENDRYK
(gesturing at the truck)
Can you drive that thing?
ROBERT6165
Sure.
HENDRYK
(dramatically pointing northward)
Then drive us to Toronto!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What about the puncture?
MICHAEL
(eyeing LUAKEL)
I’ve got an idea…
EXT. – ROAD TO TORONTO – DAY
Focus on the prison truck from the windows upwards – the scenery is flashing past outside. ROBERT6165 is driving, with HENDRYK in the passenger seat – as we watch, he winds down the window and leans out, facing backward.
HENDRYK
Faster, Urkel!
Pull back to reveal that the wheel with the burst tyre is not touching the ground, but that corner of the truck is being held up by a red-faced LUAKEL who is rapidly running along with the truck.
LUAKEL
(gasping)
But my legs have already worn
down to the knee joints…
HENDRYK
(not listening)
Good, good.
He faces front again, but then we hear a shot ring out, a crash, and then the truck slews to a halt as the burst tyre draws sparks on the road. HENDRYK looks out.
HENDRYK
(dispassionately)
Another flat.
Pull back to reveal that, indeed, LUAKEL is flat – with a bloody gunshot wound in his back. Behind him is an American sailor, of all things, holding a smoking revolver.
KIT
Hey, who are you?
SAILOR
My name’s Sam Carsten.
I have very pale skin and I sunburn very easily.
Zinc oxide ointment doesn’t help at all, because
I sunburn very easily as my skin’s very pale.
Did I mention that I sunburn very easily because my
skin’s very pale and zinc oxide doesn’t help-
Sound of several shots ringing out and Carsten lies dead next to LUAKEL with about two dozen bullet wounds in his chest. We see that ALL the Ah.commers, and ROBERT6165, are holding smoking revolvers.
THANDE
Isn’t repetition annoying…
MICHAEL
Hey, he said he was Sam Carsten.
This must be Turtledove’s Great War TL!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That explains the repetition.
HENDRYK
(shudders)
Let’s get out of here.
I don’t want to be killed off and replaced
with my best friend as viewpoint character.
KIT
Maybe I can fix the burst tyre with this…
(stares at camera)
ahem, ‘little balloon’, for the children watching.
MICHAEL
(staring at what KIT’s holding)
That double reinforced ribbed
mint-flavoured little balloon…
INT. – INTERROGATION CHAMBER – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is chained to an interrogation chair while his alter ego, DOCTEUR QUOI, paces around in front of him and occasionally cracks a riding crop in his face.
DOCTEUR QUOI
Interesting. You and I are more
alike than I imagined.
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s because we’re
crosstime equivalents-
DOCTEUR QUOI
(ignoring him)
But whereas you serve the
forces of evil, those that would
wish to return Canada to the hands
of the evil British, I serve the forces
of good!
DOCTOR WHAT
(clearly fed up)
Look, you’re not even Quebecois!
You’re Italian!
DOCTEUR QUOI
Indeed, and Italy is a fellow staunch
member of the Central Powers!
DOCTOR WHAT
(thinking)
Oh.
DOCTEUR QUOI
We are enough alike that
I know that conventional torture
will not be too effective, but…
DOCTEUR QUOI picks up a 40s-style ciné-camera reel. The label on it reads “RARE VINTAGE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIAN GIRL ON GIRL ACTION”. DOCTEUR QUOI waves it seductively in front of DOCTOR WHAT, whose eyes bulge covetously and he tries to grab it with his teeth, but DOCTEUR QUOI pulls it back.
DOCTEUR QUOI
Now…
Where are the rest of your
conspirators?
DOCTOR WHAT, unable to reach the lesbian porn, screams.
DOCTEUR QUOI
Where?!
DOCTOR WHAT
(gasping)
Dantooine! They’re on Dantooine!
DOCTEUR QUOI
(puzzled)
What?-
Suddenly the heavy iron door swings back and IRONYUPPIE, DAVE HOWERY and DIAMOND rush in holding their recovered weapons.
IRONYUPPIE
(wielding her Yo-yo)
Untie him now or forever
hold your piece!
DOCTEUR QUOI
(laughs disturbingly)
And you think you can
just burst in here and order me about?
(menacingly)
Sergeant!
SBEGIN enters through the door behind them, wielding a powerful rifle and casting DAVE HOWERY a dirty look. Behind her, VALAMYR and QUARANTESEPT take up positions on either side. The Ah.commers spin around and realise they’re trapped.
DOCTEUR QUOI
So sad. So tragic.
So pointless.
From behind him, DOCTOR WHAT speaks.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good work Sergeant!
You got in here just as they’d
finished tying me up here and
that treacherous infiltrator put
on my clothes!
SBEGIN
What?!
DOCTEUR QUOI
(spinning around)
Wha – silence!
DOCTOR WHAT
No, you don’t want them
to know, do you? But now I’ve
tackled your little scheme,
and la belle République will not
suffer from your treachery!
DOCTEUR QUOI
This is nonsense!
But SBEGIN and the others look uncertain.
VALAMYR
How can we be sure…
DOCTEUR QUOI
Surely you do not believe this merde…
SBEGIN
(decisively)
I know.
Both of you answer, now!
London Accor – slut or babe?
DOCTOR WHAT
(instantly)
Babe.
DOCTEUR QUOI
(too surprised to answer)
Uh-
SBEGIN wallops him with a truncheon and he collapses, unconscious.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good work, Sergeant!
SBEGIN
Thank you, sir.
DOCTOR WHAT
Now, you can put down your
weapons: this lot are harmless.
The Quebecois do so, and are instantly hit by IRONYUPPIE’s Yo-yo of Death. They fall to the floor, groaning.
DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his head)
So gullible.
Now get me out of here
before I start to like it!
EXT. – TORONTO STREET – DAY
The Confederate prison van, scarred from its long journey, trundles slowly down the road.
THANDE
(VO)
According to this, we’re right on top of them!
DOCTOR WHAT
I wondered what this weight was.
He, DIAMOND, DAVE HOWERY and IRONYUPPIE crawl out from under the truck, tyre marks on their backs.
LANDSHARK
(pointing at himself and IRONYUPPIE)
Hey – snap!
KIT
(relieved)
Bruno! You’re alive!
HENDRYK
C’est un miracle!
DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, yes. Now, did
you bring the ship?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, we came in a shuttle-
DOCTOR WHAT
(briskly)
Good, we’ll take that home, then.
The Ah.commers avoid one another’s gaze.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Um…
G.BONE
It was sort of…
MICHAEL
Shot down.
DOCTOR WHAT looks disbelieving.
DOCTOR WHAT
But then how do we-
We hear a distant whistle and voice. They turn to see the Quebecois soldiers running towards them.
DOCTEUR QUOI
Get the traitors!
SBEGIN
Pour la belle République!
QUARANTESEPT/VALAMYR
Oui!
DIAMOND
Um, outta here we should get?
LANDSHARK points at a dilapidated sign.
KIT
Look, a pub.
Let’s get you drunk and pliable
and then-
DOCTOR WHAT
(keenly)
A pub you say?
(hesitates)
Yes, it might just work.
HENDRYK
What, O Great Prophet?
DOCTOR WHAT
Follow me!
DOCTEUR QUOI
(distantly)
You cannot escape!
Bullets begin flying past. The Ah.commers, plus ROBERT6165, flee through the pub door. Seconds later, DOCTEUR QUOI and his squad arrive.
DOCTEUR QUOI
(snorts)
Fools. This is the only entrance.
The Quebecois squad rush in-
INT. – THE BLACKGUARD AND NYMPHOMANIAC PUB – DAY
The interior of the pub is dark, dusty, little used. Only a few patrons are about. There is no sign of the Ah.commers.
The Quebecois rush in and look around, puzzled.
DOCTEUR QUOI
Where did they go…?
To one side, we see a door marked AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY, a strange otherworldly light behind it, slowly swing shut.
END ACT II
TAG
INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY
A door appears in the wall of the Pub in the Hub and the Ah.commers, and ROBERT6165, dash in before the door disappears behind them. DOCTOR WHAT nervously looks back.
DOCTOR WHAT
A close one there.
MICHAEL
Why is it that his doppelgangers
are always psychotic madmen?!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Because they’re HIS doppelgangers.
DOCTOR WHAT
I resent that…
ROBERT6165 stares in bewildered wonderment at the Pub and all the strange people there. Then he stiffens in surprise and puzzlement as two black soldiers wearing grey Confederate uniforms approach him.
CONFEDERATEFLY
Mr President! There you are!
ROBERT6165
Wha…?!
CONFEDERATEFLY
You must get back to the Grey House now!
ROBERT PERKINS
(seriously)
If you’re not there to help push it through,
Senator Johnson will veto the Manumission Bill!
CONFEDERATEFLY
The white serfs could stay in
bondage for another generation!
ROBERT6165
Um…okay…
And the dazed ROBERT6165 lets himself be led away by the CONFEDERATEFLY and ROBERT PERKINS. The Ah.commers watch them go, then slowly move towards the bar.
G.BONE
So I guess we just, like, go to the comm centre
and send a message for the ship to come
and pick us up.
THANDE
Yeah, but while we’re here,
Doc, you can tell Ian about all those
artefacts we’ve been getting for him!
DOCTOR WHAT
Um, yeah…
About that…
(firmly)
Maybe it’s best if I see him alone.
Meanwhile, how about I buy
everyone a drink?
Enthusiastic cheers.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think I’ll spend that six hours
I won off of Michael on one of
Ian’s Redhead Specials.
MICHAEL
Why, you-
They begin to fight.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS