TEASER
INT. – THE HUB – OUROBOROS PUB – DAY
The Pub is full, people are walking about, talking, laughing, music plays in the background. IAN stands at the bar, polishing a glass and watching someone.
PAN ACROSS the room toward a table situated near the middle of the large room. Around it we see five men We pull in close on a person with his head facedown upon the table, a hand clutching a large bottle.
Continue to focus upon the figure with his head on the table as the others begin to talk.
MAN 1
Then there was the time we were
attacked by these space parasites.
Fuck that was some crazy shit.
MAN 2
Holy shit. You were too?
I didn’t think two earths would
have been able to genetically
engineer slugs that were able to
launch themselves into space.
MAN 3
I never heard of space slugs, but
one time we had to stop a religious
cult that was performing an ancient
ritual that would have
destroyed the Multiverse.
MAN 4
Yeah we had a thing like that before.
This guy who created some kind of
device that managed to collapsed
two universes together. He was
threatening to use it on more universes
when me and my crew got there.
MAN 2
Damn. That sucks.
MAN 4
Yeah. Lost a couple of
my crew to that bastard.
Silence descends upon the table.
MAN 1
How about you, Grey?
What mission have you been on?
GREY WOLF looks up and blinks his red-rimmed eyes.
GREY WOLF POV: We see all the men gathered at the table are all DOCTOR WHAT ALTERNATES. GREY WOLF pops the top off his bottle and takes a long drink.
FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“DRY DOCK”
Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN
ACT I
OVER BLACK:
VOICE 1
Why are you doing this?
VOICE 2
It has to be done.
VOICE 1
You don’t have to go…
VOICE 2
I’ve already made up my mind.
Fade up from black.
EXT. – THE HUB DOCKS – DAY
A huge ship fills the background, man and women are busily loading it, all of a swarthy complexion. Pan across the ship and we see a large flag painted upon the hull, on it are a crescent moon and a star.
ABDUL HADI PASHA stands with a duffle bag at his feet and KIT stands a few feet away from him.
KIT
But you can’t leave us?
Not after all of this…
ABDUL HADI PASHA
It’s because of all of this I have to leave.
Things have changed, it’s not like it was before.
KIT
But –
A whistle blows.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
I have to go.
KIT
One question.
Before you leave.
ABDUL HADI PASHA
What?
KIT
Fancy a shag?
CUT TO:
EXT. – THE HUB DOCKS – DAY
DMA, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MICHAEL, and STRAHA are standing around, behind them is a giant ship. It look beaten and worn down, upon it’s hull is a scratched paintjob showing the Union Jack with the words AUSSIELAND scrawled beneath it.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You sure you wanna do this?
DMA
I made up my mind.
MICHAEL
But you can’t do this.
I’ll be the only Aussie on the ship.
DMA
(pauses and puts a hand on Michael’s shoulder)
Be strong, you little bugger.
Be strong…
STRAHA
This is gay.
Why do I have to be here?
MICHAEL
Hey, we’re saying good bye
to a fellow sheepist.
STRAHA
And I say good riddance.
“bout time he left, didn’t think the
Holy Sheep could have taken any
more of his “attentions”.
DMA
A lot of things have happened.
Dr. What dying to save us all.
(shakes head)
It puts things in perspective.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So that means you leave?
DMA
Doctor What’s demise
has shown me something.
STRAHA
What? Not to be a hero?
DMA
I think I’ll retire to a Sheep Monastery and
contemplate all that I have experienced.
It was good while it lasted.
MAN
This bloody ship is leaving!
So get your arses on or not!
DMA
Looks like my ship’s leaving.
I’ll see you guys.
DMA heads off.
MICHAEL
(weeping)
There goes the only
man I’ve ever loved.
STRAHA
Now, to comfort the Holy Sheep…
] INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – DAY
HENDRYK and DAVE HOWERY are arguing. Behind them stand a large group of workers, looking bored and carrying tools.
HENDRYK
Like hell you’re going to let those
heathen fiends into this place of Holy!
DAVE HOWERY
Come one! It’s just What’s damned quarters.
We need to patch up and EPS conduit and
it’s located in the room.
HENDRYK
Unclean!
DAVE HOWERY
Aw, forget it.
DAVE HOWERY and the Workers walk off.
HENDRYK
The foul unbelievers shall never
enter this holy sanctum!
DAVE HOWERY
(yelling back)
We’ll wait ‘til you’re asleep1
HENDRYK turns and enters the quarters.
We pan about the room and see it’s trashed, beer bottles, old porn, and now scores of Dr. What idols with small candle alters are set about the room. HENDRYK kneels before one.
HENDRYK
Oh, Great What!
You who died between
the thighs of a woman.
You who drank more scotch
than most men drink water.
You who watched so much porn
as to get carpal tunnel syndrome.
Show me a sign!
There’s a long and heavy silence. HENDRYK looks about and then sighs.
He reaches forward and snuffs out a candle.
Suddenly there’s a creak and HENDRYK quickly turns to see a portion of the bulkhead give way and fall with a resounding crash.
HENDRYK
What the-
HENDRYK walks over to the collapsed bulkhead, suddenly his eyes widen as he notices something, and he bends over and picks it up. It’s a small leather bound book. He opens it and begins flipping through the pages, his eyes widening.
HENDRYK
Oh, my-
Cut to:
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
GBW is at his station, tapping buttons and whatnot when a small monitor lights up, on it is LEO CAESIUS, in robot form.
GBW
Hey, Leo.
LEO CAESIUS
Good afternoon, GBW.
Just checking in to find
out the status of things.
GBW
Nothing going on here.
Same as usual. Dave’s just using
the opportunity and Ian’s generosity
to get things installed in the ship.
You should see the things he’s put it.
How goes hob nobbing with the
great minds of the Multiverse?
LEO CAESIUS
Everything here is going fine.
Better than fine, so much so
that I’ve almost lost track of time.
GBW
Well, I guess you’re the
only one having a good time.
LEO CAESIUS
I guess the situation really
hasn’t changed on board, has it?
GBW
Nope. We’ve just been
sitting here doing nothing.
DMA and Abdul have left.
I guess they’re the lucky ones.
LEO CAESIUS
Abdul left?
GBW
Yeah, this morning.
Slowly but surely we’ll probably
all be heading our separate ways,
if it keeps on.
LEO CAESIUS
You’ll contact me if the
situation changes, right?
GBW
Yeah.
The monitor goes dark.
The lift doors open and GBW turns to see GREY WOLF enter the Control Room. He looks around and heads to the ready room.
GBW
(standing up)
Grey?
GREY WOLF
Bugger off!
The ready room doors close behind GREY WOLF and GBW sighs, returning to his station.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY
OTHNIEL, DIAMOND, and MATT are sitting in the Mess Hall talking when the doors suddenly open and HENDRYK races in, a grin on his face.
HENDRYK
I have found it!
DIAMOND
Found what?
HENDRYK
I have found the Book of What!
MATT
Book of huh?
OTHNIEL
What’s that?
HENDRYK
It’s the book that will lead us to
Doctor What’s Cache of Porn!
DIAMOND
Really? The Mythical Cache of Porn?
HENDRYK
The HOLY Cache of Porn.
OTHNIEL
What’s the Cache of Porn?
It sounds impure.
DIAMOND
It’s as impure as it can get.
Doc’s cache of porn he’s collected
from all the worlds we’ve visited.
MATT
But we’ve visted thousands.
HENDRYK
And he’s brought back hundreds from ever world.
Even from that Ice Planet that never evolved human life.
DIAMOND
Think of it.
All that porn…
HENDRYK
It is a scared thing.
Plus What already bequeathed it to
the Church in the event he died.
DIAMOND
Damn.
MATT
So what’s this book do?
HENDRYK
The Book of What will lead us to the Key,
which will lead us to the Cache!
MATT
Cool.
OTHNIEL
We must find this.
Everyone looks at him.
OTHNIEL
Although I do not believe in the
religion of What, I still respect it.
And if these items are holy to Hendryk,
then the least I can do is help him
find them. Doctor What would
have wanted it to be so.
HENDRYK
Well spoken, Othniel.
MATT
Cool. An expedition to find porn.
That’s my kind of expedition.
HENDRYK
It Is not a simple task. The Book shows us
where to begin, but once we get there.
We must face trials.
DIAMOND
What kind of trials?
HENDRYK
Trials of faith, courage, and resourcefulness.
DIAMOND
Damn.
We’re screwed.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY- DAY
PSYCHOMELTDOWN walks into the Engineering Bay.
There’s still a lot of construction going on. The engines seemed to have been stripped away and replaced with another, teams of workmen clamor over it.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Man, this is getting a bit much, don’t you think?
DAVE HOWERY
Nah. It’s just a little refitting.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Refitting?
Refitting would be repairing what was
damaged and replacing bits we lost.
You’ve pretty much gutted the ship
and stuffed it full of shiny stuff.
DAVE HOWERY
But it’s things we need.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We need?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN points to a room with scores of monitors and comfy couches.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t remember that being there.
DAVE HOWERY
It’s my entertainment room.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
How about that one?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN points to a room richly decorated.
DAVE HOWERY
That’s my smoking room.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But you don’t even smoke.
DAVE HOWERY
I might take it up someday…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Anyone else feel bad about
taking advantage of Ian’s generosity?
DAVE HOWERY
Hell, this ship was a converted warship.
There’s a lot of space we weren’t using.
And Ian’s given us a blank check on repairs
It’s not like we’re going anywhere. We’ve got time.
Why not make use of it while we have the chance.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I guess you’re right…
Hey, can you knock down the bulkhead in
my quarters so I can have more room?
DAVE HOWERY
Sorry, no manpower.
TORQUMADA suddenly shows up, carrying a roll of paper.
TORQUMADA
Dave, we need to talk about the extension of my lab.
DAVE HOWERY
But you have most of deck six for that.
TORQUMADA
That’s the problem.
I’ll need deck seven too.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Can I get a lab too?
DAVE HOWERY
No manpower.
TORQUMADA
About my lab.
DAVE HOWERY
Fine. I’ll have a dozen guys
go look at it in a bit.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN sighs and wanders out of the Engineering Bay.
EXT. – THE HUB – STREET – DAY
HENDRYK, OTHNIEL, DIAMOND, and MATT arrived before a dark alley. They look about and then at HENDRYK.
DIAMOND
This the place?
HENDRYK
(looking at Book)
Yes.
MATT
Well, this is a Doctor What thing.
(laughs)
HENDRYK steps forward and suddenly something shimmers. HENDRYK pauses and reaches out, the air seems to shimmer before him.
HENDRYK
An illusion?
MATT
One way to find out.
MATT steps forward, vanishing. A moment later he sticks out his head out.
MATT
You guys gotta check this out.
Everyone steps forward and the scene changes into;
INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – ENTRANCE – DAY
A huge room, circular, made of some golden colored stone, with torches burning in racks upon the wall. Upon the floor is a giant mosaic of Doctor What. HENDRYK gasps.
HENDRYK
A place of holy!
DIAMOND
How the hell did he find this place?
MATT
Dunno. But let’s find this porn…
HENDRYK
We must be careful. The challenges.
MATT
Pfft.
What can they do?
We’re talking about What here.
DIAMOND
Look, there’s a door over there.
Everyone looks across the chamber and indeed there is a large door on the far wall, it’s entrance covered in cobwebs.
MATT
Well, here I go.
HENDRYK
Wait!
MATT ignores him and enters the door, pushing aside the cobwebs.
There’s a rumbling noise and suddenly MATT flies out of the door and crashes near it, unconscious.
DIAMOND
Well.
Any other volunteers?
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – ENTRANCE – DAY
OTHNIEL
You go.
DIAMOND
You go.
OTHNIEL
No. You go.
HENDRYK
I’ll go.
DIAMOND and OTHNIEL look at him.
DIAMOND
Your funeral.
HENDRYK
I have the book of what.
It tells what the challenges are.
OTHNIEL
Why didn’t you tell that to MATT?
HENDRYK
He left before I could…
(Hendryk opens the Book)
The first challenge.
The Glory of her.
HENDRYK takes a deep breath and proceeds forward. He opens the Book of What
HENDRYK
(whispering)
The Glory of Her.
When he sees her vestige,
he is humbled…
HENDRYK takes a few steps forward.
HENDRYK
Only the humble man will pass.
HENDRYK stops. He is about to reach the spot where MATT lies unconscious. Before him is a wall of cobwebs and a dark chamber beyond.
DIAMOND looks at HENDRYK. HENDRYK looks at DIAMOND.
DIAMOND
(in a raspy voice)
Do it, Hendryk.
HENDRYK
(quietly to himself)
When he sees her vestige,
He is humbled…
HENDRYK takes a step forward through the cobwebs and into a dark chamber.
INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – HUMBLE ROOM – DAY
HENDRYK
Only the humble man will pass
DIAMOND
Humble. Humbled…
HENDRYK
Humble. Humbled…
The cobwebs begin to move….
Before Hendryk stands a huge figure of Paris Hilton made of stone. He gawks at it.
HENDRYK
Humble. Humbled…
Only the humble man will pass
There is a grinding sound, the room begins to vibrate. The stone figure of Paris Hilton eyes flash as it looks down at HENDRYK.
HENDRYK
(realization)
A humbled man kneels before her.
We hear a rush of air-
WHOOSH!
HENDRYK drops to his knees as the stone foot of the Paris Hilton figure suddenly shoots out at him, head level.
HENDRYK rolls forward instinctively, just as the foot suddenly comes down upon the position he was kneeling at. A terrible grinding of stone against stone.
HENDRYK gets cautiously to his feet. Now he sees that the Paris Hilton Statue had been guarding a small dark corridor. HENDRYK looks about and spots a red button labeled: OFF.
He hits it and the Paris Hilton figure shuts off.
HENDRYK
I’m through!
INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – ENTRANCE – DAY
DIAMOND
He’s through!
INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – HUMBLE ROOM – DAY
HENDRYK lets out a sigh of relief and heads into the corridor.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY
THANDE and G.BONE are in the mess hall. G.BONE is doodling, while GBW is reading a chemistry book.
G.BONE
You know this sucks.
THANDE
Huh?
G.BONE
This sitting around doing nothing.
THANDE
It’s not like you really did anything before.
G.BONE
Not the point.
We at least used to go on missions.
THANDE
As I recall, you used to stay on ship through most of them.
The curse of being the teleportation tube operator.
G.BONE
At least I got out more times than you.
THANDE
What’s the point of this conversation?
G.BONE
(sighing)
I’m bored.
THANDE
You have the entire of the
Hub at your fingertips.
G.BONE
Yeah, but it’s boring too.
THANDE
Not everyone thinks it’s boring.
Leo’s having a good time.
G.BONE
That’s cuz he can get off the ship.
Plus he was invited to study in the Inner City.
(sighing)
We used to explore the Multiverse.
But since…
THANDE
But since Doctor What died.
We’ve done nothing?
G.BONE
Yeah. We’ve been here four months
and all we’ve done is sit around and
live off Ian’s generosity.
THANDE
Rather be shot at and nearly
killed on a weekly basis?
G.BONE
I’ve been on this ship two years and
yeah, I’d rather be shot at and nearly
killed on a weekly basis.
After a while you get used to it.
THANDE
Yeah…
The doors to the Mess Hall open and in walk IRON YUPPIE, LANDSHARK, and WEAPON M.
WEAPON M
So it was this little hunched back thing
called LUAKEL that was controlling the whole thing.
LANDSHARK
LUAKEL
We’ve been running into that
little bugger a lot, haven’t we?
WEAPON M
Aw, fun times…
The three look at GBW and G.BONE
IRON YUPPIE
Look at these morose little things.
Looks like someone stole their lolly pop.
G.BONE
Just bored…
WEAPON M
Yeah. Not much of a chance to go
shooting at bad guys here, is there?
IRON YUPPIE
Not if you want Ian to kick you out.
LANDSHARK
Can’t anger our host.
G.BONE
What are we going to do?
WEAPON M
About what?
THANDE
This whole sitting around and doing nothing thing.
WEAPON M
Oh, that.
Suddenly the doors to the Mess Hall open up and GREY WOLF staggers in. He staggers to the food storage area and begins pulling out bottles of booze and stacking them on a little cart.
G.BONE rises to his feet.
G.BONE
Er… Grey?
GREY WOLF’s head jerks his way.
G.BONE
Can we know what it is we’re going to do?
THANDE
Yeah. We’ve been here doing nothing.
Shouldn’t we be out exploring or something?
Suddenly a bottle goes flying at G.BONE and THANDE.
GREY WOLF
Explore?
You want to explore?
Go explore the insides of your quarters!
G.BONE and THANDE stare at him in confusion.
GREY WOLF
Get out of my sight!
Now!
The two quickly flee the Mess Hall.
GREY WOLF glares at the other three and then leaves, pushing out his cart full of booze.
IRON YUPPIE
Well…
That was kind of expected.
The three nod.
INT. – THE GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – DARK CORRIDOR – DAY
Holding the Book of What, HENDRYK reads it once again
HENDRYK
The second challenge is the
Word of What. Only in the
footsteps of What will he proceed.
(to himself)
The Word of What… The Word of…
HENDRYK pulls away some cobwebs to reveal a cobblestone path. Each cobble is engraved with a letter.
HENDRYK
Proceed in the footsteps of the
Word…
(whispering)
The Word of What…
HENDRYK scratches his head as he studies the cobblestones before him.
HENDRYK
(realization)
The Name of What… Bruno!
HENDRYK takes a step and immediately a stone breaks away and HENDRYK falls up to his hip — his leg stuck through the hold where the stone once was.
HENDRYK
Ow…
HENDRYK grunts as he pulls himself from the hole, the Book in his hand.
HENDRYK
Only in the footsteps of
What will he proceed
But his name was Bruno…
(sudden realiztion)
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
HENDRYK steps forward and tentatively pushes down upon a cobblestone labled “W”. It does not give.
HENDRYK
In the name of What.
Not his name, but ‘WHAT”
Idiot…
HENDRYK puts his full weight on the stone and looks about, noticing the other stones.
HENDRYK
“H”…”A”….”T”
HENDRYK makes it to the other side and notices a door. He looks back and shakes his head, continuing forward.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY
LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, and WEAPON M are sitting around a table.
LANDSHARK
Something needs to be done.
WEAPON M
But what?
IRON YUPPIE
But what?
LANDSHARK
Someone needs to talk to him.
WEAPON M
Easier said that done.
IRON YUPPIE
Someone who can empathize…
The three look at each other.
WEAPON M
Paper, rock, scissors?
They all nod.
WEAPON M
Alright one three.
1…
2…
3…
(long pause)
Aw, shit.
INT. – THE VOID – DAY
HENDRYK stands in a small opening, just small enough for his shoulders to squeeze through . Before him is a vast Void. Nothing below except darkness and across the way is a great cliff, with a door glowing visibly in the distance.
HENDRYK
Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.
HENDRYK sighs and looks about, he can see nowhere to cross. He looks again to the Book of What.
HENDRYK
Only a leap from the beaver’s head
will he prove his worth.
HENDRYK looks around and then he notices a neon sign above his head is the head of a beaver.
HENDRYK
Impossible.
Nobody can jump this!
HENDRYK looks down into the Book and shakes his head, wondering what to do.
INT. – DOCTOR WHAT TEMPLE ENTRANCE – DAY
DIAMOND rushes forward and calls to HENDRYK.
DIAMOND
Hendryk!
Hurry the hell up!
I’m getting bored!
INT. – THE VOID – DAY
HENDRYK
(realizing)
It’s… It’s a leap of faith.
It’s a leap of faith!
INT. – DOCTOR WHAT TEMPLE ENTRANCE – DAY
OTHNIEL
Oh, the suspense!
Oh, the suspense!
DIAMOND
I want that porn!
INT. – THE VOID – DAY
We see HENDRYK take a deep breath and prepares to leap into the Void.
And then – he doesn’t.
HENDRYK
To hell with this!
He throws the Book into the Void.
And then – it bounces upon something.
HENDRYK stops and stares. He continues to stare at the Book, which seems to be suspended over the Void, and then realization hits him.
HENDRYK
Ah. A force field.
He uses his foot and taps the force field, checking the width of the path, and then looks around. He steps onto the force field and picks up the Book, looking around.
HENDRYK
(clearing his throat)
All praise Doctor What…
HENDRYK looks around again and crosses the path. HENDRYK walks through the door in the side of the cliff and enters a Temple.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – GREY WOLF’S QUARTERS – DAY
WEAPON M enters GREY WOLF’s quarters and see GREY WOLF sitting upon his bed, a bottle in his hands.
WEAPON M
What’s the plan, Grey?
GREY WOLF is silent.
WEAPON M
We need a plan.
We can’t just keep staying here.
Its’ been friggin’ four months.
GREY WOLF is silent.
WEAPON M
If it weren’t for Ian and his generosity,
Our ship would still be crap and
we wouldn’t have a place to stay.
GREY WOLF is silent.
WEAPON M
Look, I get it. What’s dead and we’re all sad.
But life goes on. We need to go on. We can’t
just sit around moping and doing jack shit.
GREY WOLF is silent.
WEAPON M
Fuck it.
WEAPON M heads out of the quarters. GREY WOLF turns the bottle in his hands.
INT. – WHAT TEMPLE – DAY
HENDRYK enters the door and it opens into a large chamber.
On the far wall is a large shelf, upon a vast array of porn is displayed.. Hundreds of them.
HENDRYK is mesmerized by their number and their beauty. And then he realizes someone else is there, a noise can be heard. He pauses and walks deeper into the temple, rounding a corner and seeing a boy sitting on a bean bag chair and playing a video game. HENDRYK pauses and then clears his throat.
The BOY turns and we see it’s LUAKEL. He gives a surprised squeak, tosses aside the video game, and jumps to his feet, holding a sword.
LUAKEL
I am the Protector of the Porn Cache Key!
Prepare for Combat!
HENDRYK snorts and walks forward pulling the sword from LUAKEL’s hand and pushing the boy back onto his bean bag chair.
HENDRYK
Who are you?
LUAKEL
I am LUAKEL, called Urkel, the one
who swore to the Great What
to guard his Porn Cache Key.
HENDRYK
When the hell was that?
LUAKEL
A couple of months ago.
I’ve been here for a while,
and I must say. It’s
pretty damn boring.
LUAKEL looks at HENDRYK and shrugs.
LUAKEL
You don’t look like much.
But I guess you’ll do.
HENDRYK
What do you mean?
LUAKEL
I was chosen because I was the
bravest and the most worthy. The
honor was mine until another came
to challenge me to single combat.
I pass it to you who vanquished me.
LUAKEL gestures to the sword in HENDRYK’s hands.
HENDRYK
(confused)
Huh?
LUAKEL
You’re gonna guard the Key.
HENDRYK
But I don’t want to guard it.
LUAKEL
Then why did you come here?
HENDRYK
I came for the Key.
LUAKEL
What? You can’t take th-
At that moment DIAMOND and OTHNIEL appear. Donovan turns to face the display of porn.
DIAMOND
Holy shit. That’s a lot of porn.
(mutters)
Gotta buy more lube…
LUAKEL
(in an officious voice)
You must choose.
(beat)
But choose wisely.
For as the True Porn Key,
will give you great pleasure
and the False Porn Key will
mess you up royally.
OTHNIEL
I’m not a Porn Expert.
I wouldn’t know which one to pick.
Which one is it?
DIAMOND
Let me choose.
HENDRYK
Wait!
DIAMOND
I’ll be mine!
DIAMOND stares at the array of porn and then picks up a copy: TRANSVESTITE STREET-WALKING MIDGET LESBIANS – VOL. XXXXIV.
OTHNIEL lunges forward with a small club, hits DIAMOND over the head, and instantly takes it from him. DIAMOND collapses to the floor.
OTHNIEL
Oh, yes. This would be the
Key to Doctor What’s Cache!
I shall use it to open the Cache
and destroy it all!
HENDRYK
But I thought-
OTHNIEL
The faith of What is a perversion!
It must be destroyed!
Starting with this!
HENDRYK
Noooo!!!!
OTHNIEL
Mwahahahahaha!
OTHNIEL rushes for the door, takes a step out, then turns back.
OTHNIEL
Suckers!
Suddenly, OTHNIEL’s entire body starts to convulse. His face contorts in agony. He grabs his stomach
OTHNIEL
What . . . is . . . happening. . .
to . . .me. . .?
We see his eyes suddenly cloud up, we see him become emancipated, and then we see hair begin growing on his palms.
OTHNIEL
What. . . is . . . happening. . . ?
OTHNIEL turns and runs out of the Temple..
LUAKEL
He chose…poorly.
(giggles)
HENDRYK studies the array of porn.
HENDRYK picks up a battered copy of PARIS DOES PARIS (the city) AGAIN!
HENDRYK
This is something that Doc would like…
(a long pause)
There’s only one way to find out.
HENDRYK walks to the door and steps out.
A strange look overcomes him, a look of peace and contentment.
LUAKEL
You have chosen wisely.
HENDRYK
All hail Doctor What…
Suddenly the temple begins to shimmer and everything suddenly vanishes. HENDRYK looks about and blinks. He’s standing in a large alleyway, he looks up to see the gray sky of the Hub.
HENDRYK
What?
LUAKEL
Oh, this was all an hologram program.
You’d actually think that Doctor What
Could build all of this just to hide his Cache Key?
HENDRYK
He is the Great What…
LUAKEL
Hey, since I’m done being the Key Protector.
Mind if I tag along with you guys?
HENDRYK
No.
(walks off)
LUAKEL
Aw….
Wanker.
He notices DIAMOND still unconscious on the ground, walks over to him and takes his wallet. Then skips away down the alleyway.
DIAMOND groans.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
GREY WOLF walks into the Control Room, looking for once sober and clean. He scans the area and clears his throat.
GREY WOLF
GBW?
GBW
Grey?
GREY WOLF
Is everyone on board?
GBW
Yeah. Leo just got back a moment ago.
Why?
GREY WOLF
Begin preparations to leave the Hub.
GBW
(straightening up)
What’s our destination, sir?
GREY WOLF
(staring at the viewscreen)
We have a Multiverse to explore, boyo.
Center on GREY WOLF and fade to black:
END ACT II
TAG
INT – AH.COM SHIP – TEMPLE OF DOCTOR WHAT – NIGHT
The sounds of female moaning, groaning, and ecstasy come thundering out of the Temple.
ANGLE: A HUGE SCREEN MONITOR
HENDRYK sits before a huge screen monitor, the blue glow bathing him. Cheesy porn music fills the air and a picture of DOCTOR WHAT is clutched to HENDRYK’s chest as he looks up at the monitor, tears running down his face.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT
A light on GBW’s computer console begins blinking.
Pull in on the light, we see a piece of masking tape with a name scribbled on it.
DOCTOR WHAT – BEACON
GBW looks at it, confused.
EXT. – SOMEWHERE – DAY
Bring sunlight break through a heavy canopy of leaves and thick truck trees. The sounds of bird singing is heard in the distance. A large multicolored butterfly flaps about, it settles upon a what looks to be a hand.
The hand twitches and the butterfly launches away.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS.