AH.com: The Series

TEASER

EXT. – DESOLATE BEACH – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is kneeling on the sand staring with fiery eyes at something off-camera.

DOCTOR WHAT
YOU MANIACS!
YOU BLEW IT UP!
DAMN YOU!
GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

The camera viewpoint changes to reveal that sticking up out of the sand in front of Doctor What, battered but recognisable, is the top of the CN Tower.

We hear half-ironic applause from off-camera. DOCTOR WHAT turns to see IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND there.

IRONYUPPIE
A virtuoso performance, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
(a little embarrassed)
Yes…well…practice, you know…

DAVE HOWERY appears from behind a cliff and joins the others.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, the damn ship’s refuelled.
Now let’s get out of here.

DAVE HOWERY observes DOCTOR WHAT’s roleplaying and shakes his head pityingly.

DAVE HOWERY
You’ve got to learn to grow
out of these film fantasies, Doc.

IRONYUPPIE
Childlike really.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, I agree.

DOCTOR WHAT
(rises to his feet, coughs meaningfully)
All right. AS THE CAPTAIN,
I concur that we should return to the ship.
Let’s go and beam up.

The others totally ignore his pointed tone, but when DOCTOR WHAT sets off, DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE follow. DAVE HOWERY stays behind, watching. When it looks like they’re out of earshot, he falls to his knees and begins shaking his fist at the CN Tower.

DAVE HOWERY
YOU GENIUSES!
YOU BLEW CANADA UP!
BLESS YOU!
GOD BLESS YOU ALL TO HEAVEN!

DAVE HOWERY glows with teleportation energy and vanishes, while in the distance the other three also glow and fade. A second later, a window on the top of the CN Tower swings open and TWO TORONTONIANS look out.

TORONTONIAN #1
Strange people.

TORONTONIAN #2
Pity they came during the
Festival of Sand, the city’s
usually much cleaner than this.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“AMERICAN EMPIRE: THE HOLDER CANNOT SCENT”

Written By : THANDE

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

G.BONE is casually flicking switches on the control board. Four columns of glittery light appear on the pad and begin to resolve themselves into the figures of DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE, DIAMOND and DAVE HOWERY – but then they begin to shimmer and fade – G.BONE looks up from his Playboy in horror.

G.BONE
Totally bogus dude!

G.BONE hits the alarm and begins desperately fiddling with more switches. The columns begin to get more solid, but still don’t materialise. As the alarm sounds, the door opens and HENDRYK and KIT enter.

HENDRYK
What’s going on?

G.BONE
Dude, I’m losing the signals of
Doc What’s party!
There’s somekinda interference
in the atmosphere…redirecting
the teleportation beam!

KIT
(horrified)
Well…uh…compensate, or
whatever it is you do!

G.BONE hits switch after switch, but the columns begin to fade again, until they finally blink out in four points of light.

HENDRYK
Quelle horreur!
Where have they gone?

KIT
(morbidly)
Poor Bruno’s probably had his
molecules smeared across a continent.

HENDRYK
It’s the way he would have wanted to go.

KIT
Don’t be stupid, he’d have wanted to gone
preforming cunnilingus to the last one of
the Swedish women’s swim team.

HENDRYK
Ah yes.

G.BONE
(staring at his control panel)
This is bad.
I have no idea what this means.

HENDRYK
Well, what did all those buttons
you pressed do?

G.BONE
Uh…

Suddenly the comm crackles.

MATT
(comm-distort)
Hey, I don’t know what you did,
but the air conditioning in the lounge
is finally working properly!

G.BONE avoids HENDRYK and KIT’s glares.

EXT. – DECAYING STREET – EVENING

DOCTOR WHAT, IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND materialise in the middle of a street filled with rusting, failed-industry type buildings. They look around, perplexed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Looks like the redecoration effort
got a little out of hand.

DIAMOND
Oh, ha ha. Obviously the
teleportation beam has been
redirected somehow.

IRONYUPPIE
To somewhere else on this planet?
But it looked all desolate…

DOCTOR WHAT
And where’s Howery?

DIAMOND
Who cares?

They nod in agreement.

Suddenly two people wearing blue-grey military uniforms and holding truncheons and guns march up to the three Ah.commers. These are Sergeant SBEGIN and Corporal VALAMYR.

SBEGIN
(slight French accent)
Halt! Arretez!
You are breaking curfew!

DOCTOR WHAT
(with dignity)
Ma’am, I’m a free Canadian, and-

VALAMYR
(shocked)
He admits it!

SBEGIN
That saves us beating a
confession out of him.

DIAMOND
Wha-?!

SBEGIN
(pauses; stares in surprise at DOCTOR WHAT)
The resemblance is uncanny…
They must be planning an infiltration!
Bring him in. And his friends too.
Traitors, the lot of them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Traitors?! But-

IRONYUPPIE pulls out her Electric Chinese Razor Yo-yo of Death and taps it into her palm significantly.

IRONYUPPIE
You lay a hand on Bruno and you’ll
have to go through me fir – urrrghk!

Another soldier has risen behind IRONYUPPIE and knocked her out with a blow to the head. As DOCTOR WHAT and DIAMOND turn in horror, the soldier does the same to them.

SBEGIN
Good work, Corporal Quarantesept.

QUARANTESEPT is obviously an alternate version of FORTYSEVEN.

QUARANTESEPT
(smiling)
Thank you, ma’am.

VALAMYR
Now let’s drag them in.

As the soldiers do so, we see DAVE HOWERY’s face lean around the corner of a nearby alleyway and observe them…

Then the camera slowly rises and we see that every building is flying a U.S. flag with 30-odd stars…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – GAMING ROOM – DAY

The room is occupied by a large table. Seated there are THANDE, OTHNIEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL, playing some sort of poker- or bridge-like card game, but their cards have pictures of timelines on. They’re betting with Time in hourglasses, as seen in “Hub(ris)”.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN pours a few grains of blue Time from his hourglass and pushes it into the middle of the table.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Three hours.

MICHAEL
(pushing Time of his own)
I’ll see your three and raise you three.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Stands at six hours – gentlemen?

THANDE and OTHNIEL shake their heads and fold.

MICHAEL
So it all comes down to this…

MICHAEL throws down his cards, which display:

MICHAEL
(triumphantly)
Confederate Victory in ACW!
Nazi Victory in WW2!
British Victory in ARW!
A perfect Triad!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN has gone pale. MICHAEL reaches out to take his winnings, but PSYCHOMELTDOWN grabs his arm.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait. I haven’t shown MY cards.

MICHAEL
(scoffs)
But surely…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN quietly drops his cards, revealing:

MICHAEL
What the f-
Are you cheating?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Just lucky.
One Successful Sea Lion.

And the cards he’s dropped indeed, when laid out in the right pattern, suggest the shape of a sea lion.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN drags in his winnings.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Six hours of your life, Michael…
I think I’ll use it to ogle Alyson Hannigan.

MICHAEL looks scandalised and violated. Getting angry, he rises and is obviously about to tip the table onto PSYCHOMELTDOWN when –

KIT, HENDRYK and G.BONE burst in.

KIT
Something terrible’s happened!

OTHNIEL
What?

HENDRYK
Doctor What’s party vanished
while teleporting back!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh.
That’s nice.

He and MICHAEL shrug, then go back to what they were doing.

OTHNIEL
This is terrible!

THANDE
Who else vanished?

KIT
Oh, Diamond, Dave and Erikka…

LANDSHARK bursts in toting a BFG, which he points at G.BONE.

LANDSHARK
You are going to get her back,
Mister Jumped Up Sandwich Islander,
or your bottom will wish it had never been born!

G.BONE
(recoils)
Look I’ll do what I can, but chill, dude.
Pointing big weaposn at people aren’t
going to help matters..

Everyone is stareing at LANDSHARK in horror.

LANDSHARK
What?

OTHNIEL
Um…
Next time can you please put
some clothes on before threatening G.Bone?

KIT
(cocking his head at an angle)
Yeah, that BFG doesn’t quite cover everything…

HENDRYK
ANYWAY!
I need all of you to help
us trace where they ended up!

MICHAEL
Why should we care?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN nods along with him.

THANDE
Hey, doesn’t Bruno owe you both money?

MICHAEL/PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Let’s get him back right now!

They all dash out of the room, THANDE pausing to exchange a rueful head-shake with OTHNIEL.

INT. – PRISON – NIGHT

Harsh artificial electric lights illuminate the concrete interior of a makeshift prison. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting on a wooden chair, brooding; DIAMOND is lying on a cot reading a fragment of old newspaper; IRONYUPPIE is rattling the bars fruitlessly.

IRONYUPPIE
Goddamned savages.
Jumping me like that…

DIAMOND
Hey, I’m trying to read this
fragment of old newspaper I
conveniently found here.
(adjusts his glasses and stares)
Something about the 1936 Olympics
being hosted by…the CSA?

DOCTOR WHAT
So we were shot into another timeline.
A Confederate victory one…

IRONYUPPIE
(shrugs)
They’re ten a penny.

DOCTOR WHAT
But that doesn’t explain
why we were locked up like that.
Where are we, anyway?

DIAMOND
This newspaper is the Toronto Gazette.
I’d guess we moved in crosstime but not in space.

DOCTOR WHAT
(bewildered)
Toronto?
But then-

Suddenly lights blaze outside the cell and the three soldiers from before enter.

SBEGIN
Well, traitor scum, it seems
your little attempt at infiltration
has gone to the very top of the ladder.

DOCTOR WHAT
What infiltration?! We’re-

VALAMYR
Save your lies!

QUARANTESEPT
For now you meet the man
who strikes terror into the
heart of all traitors!

SBEGIN
Captain Brouneaux Lombardin-

DOCTOR WHAT gapes.

FAMILIAR VOICE
(VO)
Or as they call me,
DOCTEUR QUOI.

A figure steps forward from the shadows. He looks exactly like our Doctor What, but wearing the same blue-grey uniform as the others. He speaks with a slight French accent.

DOCTEUR QUOI
For I always get the ‘What’
from my prisoners…by one
means or another!

The Ah.commers just keep gaping.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Quarantesept, Valamyr!
You shall escort the infiltrator
to my office for interrogation!
Sbegin, you shall stay here to
guard the others.

SBEGIN
(salutes)
Yessir.

DOCTEUR QUOI
(teasingly)
I hope you can sniff out
any trouble from them.

SBEGIN
(stiffly)
Sir, you know I hate people
talking about how I have no sense of smell.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Sorry, Sergeant. Let’s go.
For the République du Québec!

SBEGIN
And our gallant American allies!

The camera pans up to reveal DAVE HOWERY listening at the window…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

The room is almost unrecognisable. Access panels have been opened everywhere, computers have been plugged in, thick cables snake from one to the other. It’s crowded with several Ah.commers staring at display screens.

THANDE
(pointing at a sinewave-like graph)
Look at this frequency.
That’s not of this timeline.

HENDRYK
You mean they were transported
to another timeline?

THANDE
That’s right.

KIT
(happily)
Bruno’s not dead!

MICHAEL
Pfft, unless it was a Straha timeline.

KIT stops smiling.

G.BONE
A crosstime teleporter!
That’s totally cool!

HENDRYK
Only if we find a way to bring
them back.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(staring at cables)
I think I know how we can do it,
but I need to know which timeline
they went to.

THANDE
(pointing at graph)
See this peak? And this one?
The POD’s definitely in the second
half of the nineteenth century…

KIT
That hardly narrows it down.

THANDE
And we’re dealing with a TL
that would be mistaken for 1941.

MICHAEL
(head half buried in a console)
That’s enough data. We can try
bringing them back.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
KIT, connect those two cables
together, would you?

KIT kneels down and begins fiddling with two cables coming out of console.

MICHAEL
Okay –
Goat, try it now.

G.BONE touches a control and the panel blows up in a spectacular display of sparks.
MICHAEL screams and pulls his head out; his hair is on fire. PSYCHOMELTDOWN helpfully puts it out with a nearby bottle labelled ‘URINE RE-CYC’.

MICHAEL
What the hell happened there?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Let me see.

He goes over to the other console and looks at KIT’s handiwork. His eyes widen.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh, Kit…the male connector ends
are supposed to go into the female connector ends…

KIT
(tuts)
That’s positively homophobic!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sighs)
Now we’ve burnt out the teleporter.

KIT
Maybe we should try something different.
After all, we might need to send real
muscle there to rescue Bruno…
(pause, then dreamily:)
Heheh, real muscle…

INT. – PRISON – DAY

IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND are still gloomily seated in the cell when they hear tapping on the bars at the small window. They glance at SBEGIN, who is ostensibly watching them from a desk but is really engrossed in a magazine. They stand on the bed to see DAVE HOWERY at the window.

IRONYUPPIE
Howery!
That’s the first time I’ve been glad to see you!

DAVE HOWERY
Flatterer.
Okay, what do I do now?

DIAMOND
What?! Bust us out, that’s what!

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah…thing is, I’ve been looking
around, and…
The Quebeckers may be the occupying
forces, but this land’s AMERICAN.
There’s US flags everywhere…

DIAMOND
What’s that got to do with anything?!

DAVE HOWERY
Um…well…when it comes to having to
help you guys against an America that’s
rightfully conquered Canada…

He shrugs and drops from the window to the ground outside. DIAMOND angrily leans out of the window.

DIAMOND
HOWERY!!!

SBEGIN looks up.

SBEGIN
Quiet in there or I’ll
demonstrate the garlic sauce trick.

They are silent.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

The hangar bay is full of battered-looking shuttles. One of the least battered is being worked on by MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN while the others watch.

KIT
So the signal’s not strong enough
to take the whole ship through, but…?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But we can manage this crosstime-
equipped shuttle.

OTHNIEL
Need I remind you, the last time
we tried this Doctor What crashed
into the Hub?

MICHAEL
I doubt we’ll be as lucky this time.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay, done. Everybody in.

They pile into the shuttle, which rises from the hangar deck and shoots out into space.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The desolate Earth from before is visible below. As we watch, the shuttle projects a red vortex and dives into it…

G.BONE
Engaging crosstime drive-

The shuttle and vortex vanish.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT – PRISON – DAWN

As before. The sun is just rising, visible through the small window. DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE wake, yawning; SBEGIN is still at her desk, drinking coffee.

DIAMOND
Now what?

IRONYUPPIE
Now we-

The door opens and a figure comes in. It’s DAVE HOWERY, dressed in a Quebecois uniform, with a bushy fake beard, and clutching a brown paper bag. IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND stare at him, as does SBEGIN.

SBEGIN
Who are you?

DAVE HOWERY
Private, uh, Daveed Howerie.

DIAMOND quietly groans.

SBEGIN
And why are you here?

DAVE HOWERY
Docteur Quoi sent me to
get some toasted bagels
for the prisoners’ last-
(winks at them)
uh, I mean their breakfasts.

SBEGIN
(tuts)
Brouneaux is getting soft.
I’ll take them for myself.

She grabs the bag, takes a bagel, bites into it – and instantly collapses backwards, falling onto the desk.

DAVE HOWERY
Mission accomplished!

He grabs the keys from the desk and unlocks the cell. DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE come out.

IRONYUPPIE
Howery, you-

DIAMOND
I’m going to strangle you!

DAVE HOWERY
Jeez, you can go back in if you want.

IRONYUPPIE
So you decided to help us anyway?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah…
Any America that, having conquered Canada,
turns it over to the damned FRENCH has
forfeited any right to my allegiance!

They exchange nods.

DIAMOND
So what was in those bagels?

DAVE HOWERY
Borrowed a trick from Thande:
radioactive chloroform.

IRONYUPPIE
But that stinks!
How come she didn’t notice-

DAVE HOWERY
(smirks)
Because, in this American Empire,
the holder cannot scent.

They shake their heads.

IRONYUPPIE
C’mon! Let’s go get Bruno back!

They exit, leaving the comatose SBEGIN behind.

EXT. – OHIO – DAY

Ohio is devastated, with Confederate and US lines having torn up the ground. Fighters duel in the air and ‘barrel’ tanks clash on the ground. We focus on a group of two soldiers in butternut: Captain BRIANP and Sergeant CSA945.

BRIANP
(as the shells land)
Quiet day.
At least compared to the Great War.

CSA945
Yeah.
And this time we’ll kick the damnyankees’
pasty white asses for sure!

BRIANP
(laughs)
I think we already have.

Two other CS soldiers, Corporals CONFEDERATEFLY and CODEMAN, approach holding a scared-looking teenager between them.

CSA945
Report!

CONFEDERATEFLY
Another looter.

CODEMAN
Damnyankee.

LUAKEL
(for it is he)
That’s not fair!
You Rebs are always stealing our stuff,
why can’t I take a bit of yours?!

The Confederates exchange pitying glances.

BRIANP
Take him out and have him shot along
with the…uh…specials.

CODEMAN and CONFEDERATEFLY nod, drag LUAKEL to a prison van, which sets off toward the horizon, and return.

BRIANP
(singing)
Oh I wish I was in a land of cotton,
where old times are not forgotten,
Look away…

CSA945
(singing)
Look away…

CONFEDERATEFLY
(singing)
Look away…

CODEMAN
(screaming)
LOOK OUT!

The four CS troops dive to the floor as the Ah.com shuttle roars past overhead.

CONFEDERATEFLY
Must be some new damnyankee wonder weapon!

CSA945
Wait – our Hound Dogs are tackling it!

And indeed the fighters have begun raking the shuttle with machinegun and cannon fire.

BRIANP
(puzzled)
And so are the Yankees’ Wrights…

Something explodes in the shuttle’s engines and it drops to earth, trailing smoke. There’s a muffled explosion on the horizon.

BRIANP
(shrugs)
Doesn’t matter.
Now to get back to winning this war!
Freedom!

ALL
FREEDOM!

EXT. – ANOTHER PART OF OHIO – DAY

The smoking Ah.com shuttle lies at the end of a long groove it’s ploughed in the ground. The crew are standing around it, shaking and smoking some of Straha’s leftover spliffs for their nerves.

MICHAEL
Worst…landing…ever…

G.BONE
(defensively)
We survived, didn’t we?!

HENDRYK
(holding his stomach)
I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

THANDE is fiddling with a scanner.

THANDE
Hey, I think I’ve located Doc What
and the others.
(Pause)
They’re in…Toronto?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And we’re in…Ohio?
Bit of a trek on foot.

LANDSHARK
Point, so we don’t go on foot.

A Confederate prison truck trundles past. LANDSHARK jumps out in front of it, pointing his BFG at the windscreen.

The truck runs him over.

LANDSHARK gets up, tyre marks across his face, incensed.

LANDSHARK
Right. Now I’m REALLY angry.

He fires several blasts from the BFG at the retreating truck, bursting a tyre and then blasting the back doors open. Two figures climb out – LUAKEL and a starved-looking ROBERT6165 in a prison uniform with a number on the back.

ROBERT6165
Well, that was an interesting ride.

LUAKEL
(sarcastically)
I especially liked when they beat us.

The truck’s driver jumps out and begins spraying submachinegun bullets at the escaping prisoners, before he intercepts a blast from LANDSHARK’s BFG and falls to the ground, a gaping hole in his chest.

LANDSHARK
(satisfied)
P-doubleyew-’ned.

ROBERT6165 and LUAKEL reach the Ah.commers.

ROBERT6165
You’ve got to help us get
out of here. The damned
Freedomists want our balls.

KIT
(staring at LUAKEL)
I won’t do the obvious joke.

HENDRYK
(gesturing at the truck)
Can you drive that thing?

ROBERT6165
Sure.

HENDRYK
(dramatically pointing northward)
Then drive us to Toronto!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What about the puncture?

MICHAEL
(eyeing LUAKEL)
I’ve got an idea…

EXT. – ROAD TO TORONTO – DAY

Focus on the prison truck from the windows upwards – the scenery is flashing past outside. ROBERT6165 is driving, with HENDRYK in the passenger seat – as we watch, he winds down the window and leans out, facing backward.

HENDRYK
Faster, Urkel!

Pull back to reveal that the wheel with the burst tyre is not touching the ground, but that corner of the truck is being held up by a red-faced LUAKEL who is rapidly running along with the truck.

LUAKEL
(gasping)
But my legs have already worn
down to the knee joints…

HENDRYK
(not listening)
Good, good.

He faces front again, but then we hear a shot ring out, a crash, and then the truck slews to a halt as the burst tyre draws sparks on the road. HENDRYK looks out.

HENDRYK
(dispassionately)
Another flat.

Pull back to reveal that, indeed, LUAKEL is flat – with a bloody gunshot wound in his back. Behind him is an American sailor, of all things, holding a smoking revolver.

KIT
Hey, who are you?

SAILOR
My name’s Sam Carsten.
I have very pale skin and I sunburn very easily.
Zinc oxide ointment doesn’t help at all, because
I sunburn very easily as my skin’s very pale.
Did I mention that I sunburn very easily because my
skin’s very pale and zinc oxide doesn’t help-

Sound of several shots ringing out and Carsten lies dead next to LUAKEL with about two dozen bullet wounds in his chest. We see that ALL the Ah.commers, and ROBERT6165, are holding smoking revolvers.

THANDE
Isn’t repetition annoying…

MICHAEL
Hey, he said he was Sam Carsten.
This must be Turtledove’s Great War TL!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That explains the repetition.

HENDRYK
(shudders)
Let’s get out of here.
I don’t want to be killed off and replaced
with my best friend as viewpoint character.

KIT
Maybe I can fix the burst tyre with this…
(stares at camera)
ahem, ‘little balloon’, for the children watching.

MICHAEL
(staring at what KIT’s holding)
That double reinforced ribbed
mint-flavoured little balloon…

INT. – INTERROGATION CHAMBER – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is chained to an interrogation chair while his alter ego, DOCTEUR QUOI, paces around in front of him and occasionally cracks a riding crop in his face.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Interesting. You and I are more
alike than I imagined.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s because we’re
crosstime equivalents-

DOCTEUR QUOI
(ignoring him)
But whereas you serve the
forces of evil, those that would
wish to return Canada to the hands
of the evil British, I serve the forces
of good!

DOCTOR WHAT
(clearly fed up)
Look, you’re not even Quebecois!
You’re Italian!

DOCTEUR QUOI
Indeed, and Italy is a fellow staunch
member of the Central Powers!

DOCTOR WHAT
(thinking)
Oh.

DOCTEUR QUOI
We are enough alike that
I know that conventional torture
will not be too effective, but…

DOCTEUR QUOI picks up a 40s-style ciné-camera reel. The label on it reads “RARE VINTAGE SOUTHERN CALIFORNIAN GIRL ON GIRL ACTION”. DOCTEUR QUOI waves it seductively in front of DOCTOR WHAT, whose eyes bulge covetously and he tries to grab it with his teeth, but DOCTEUR QUOI pulls it back.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Now…
Where are the rest of your
conspirators?

DOCTOR WHAT, unable to reach the lesbian porn, screams.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Where?!

DOCTOR WHAT
(gasping)
Dantooine! They’re on Dantooine!

DOCTEUR QUOI
(puzzled)
What?-

Suddenly the heavy iron door swings back and IRONYUPPIE, DAVE HOWERY and DIAMOND rush in holding their recovered weapons.

IRONYUPPIE
(wielding her Yo-yo)
Untie him now or forever
hold your piece!

DOCTEUR QUOI
(laughs disturbingly)
And you think you can
just burst in here and order me about?
(menacingly)
Sergeant!

SBEGIN enters through the door behind them, wielding a powerful rifle and casting DAVE HOWERY a dirty look. Behind her, VALAMYR and QUARANTESEPT take up positions on either side. The Ah.commers spin around and realise they’re trapped.

DOCTEUR QUOI
So sad. So tragic.
So pointless.

From behind him, DOCTOR WHAT speaks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good work Sergeant!
You got in here just as they’d
finished tying me up here and
that treacherous infiltrator put
on my clothes!

SBEGIN
What?!

DOCTEUR QUOI
(spinning around)
Wha – silence!

DOCTOR WHAT
No, you don’t want them
to know, do you? But now I’ve
tackled your little scheme,
and la belle République will not
suffer from your treachery!

DOCTEUR QUOI
This is nonsense!

But SBEGIN and the others look uncertain.

VALAMYR
How can we be sure…

DOCTEUR QUOI
Surely you do not believe this merde…

SBEGIN
(decisively)
I know.
Both of you answer, now!
London Accor – slut or babe?

DOCTOR WHAT
(instantly)
Babe.

DOCTEUR QUOI
(too surprised to answer)
Uh-

SBEGIN wallops him with a truncheon and he collapses, unconscious.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good work, Sergeant!

SBEGIN
Thank you, sir.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, you can put down your
weapons: this lot are harmless.

The Quebecois do so, and are instantly hit by IRONYUPPIE’s Yo-yo of Death. They fall to the floor, groaning.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his head)
So gullible.
Now get me out of here
before I start to like it!

EXT. – TORONTO STREET – DAY

The Confederate prison van, scarred from its long journey, trundles slowly down the road.

THANDE
(VO)
According to this, we’re right on top of them!

DOCTOR WHAT
I wondered what this weight was.

He, DIAMOND, DAVE HOWERY and IRONYUPPIE crawl out from under the truck, tyre marks on their backs.

LANDSHARK
(pointing at himself and IRONYUPPIE)
Hey – snap!

KIT
(relieved)
Bruno! You’re alive!

HENDRYK
C’est un miracle!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, yes. Now, did
you bring the ship?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No, we came in a shuttle-

DOCTOR WHAT
(briskly)
Good, we’ll take that home, then.

The Ah.commers avoid one another’s gaze.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Um…

G.BONE
It was sort of…

MICHAEL
Shot down.

DOCTOR WHAT looks disbelieving.

DOCTOR WHAT
But then how do we-

We hear a distant whistle and voice. They turn to see the Quebecois soldiers running towards them.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Get the traitors!

SBEGIN
Pour la belle République!

QUARANTESEPT/VALAMYR
Oui!

DIAMOND
Um, outta here we should get?

LANDSHARK points at a dilapidated sign.

KIT
Look, a pub.
Let’s get you drunk and pliable
and then-

DOCTOR WHAT
(keenly)
A pub you say?
(hesitates)
Yes, it might just work.

HENDRYK
What, O Great Prophet?

DOCTOR WHAT
Follow me!

DOCTEUR QUOI
(distantly)
You cannot escape!

Bullets begin flying past. The Ah.commers, plus ROBERT6165, flee through the pub door. Seconds later, DOCTEUR QUOI and his squad arrive.

DOCTEUR QUOI
(snorts)
Fools. This is the only entrance.

The Quebecois squad rush in-

INT. – THE BLACKGUARD AND NYMPHOMANIAC PUB – DAY

The interior of the pub is dark, dusty, little used. Only a few patrons are about. There is no sign of the Ah.commers.

The Quebecois rush in and look around, puzzled.

DOCTEUR QUOI
Where did they go…?

To one side, we see a door marked AUTHORISED PERSONNEL ONLY, a strange otherworldly light behind it, slowly swing shut.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY

A door appears in the wall of the Pub in the Hub and the Ah.commers, and ROBERT6165, dash in before the door disappears behind them. DOCTOR WHAT nervously looks back.

DOCTOR WHAT
A close one there.

MICHAEL
Why is it that his doppelgangers
are always psychotic madmen?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Because they’re HIS doppelgangers.

DOCTOR WHAT
I resent that…

ROBERT6165 stares in bewildered wonderment at the Pub and all the strange people there. Then he stiffens in surprise and puzzlement as two black soldiers wearing grey Confederate uniforms approach him.

CONFEDERATEFLY
Mr President! There you are!

ROBERT6165
Wha…?!

CONFEDERATEFLY
You must get back to the Grey House now!

ROBERT PERKINS
(seriously)
If you’re not there to help push it through,
Senator Johnson will veto the Manumission Bill!

CONFEDERATEFLY
The white serfs could stay in
bondage for another generation!

ROBERT6165
Um…okay…

And the dazed ROBERT6165 lets himself be led away by the CONFEDERATEFLY and ROBERT PERKINS. The Ah.commers watch them go, then slowly move towards the bar.

G.BONE
So I guess we just, like, go to the comm centre
and send a message for the ship to come
and pick us up.

THANDE
Yeah, but while we’re here,
Doc, you can tell Ian about all those
artefacts we’ve been getting for him!

DOCTOR WHAT
Um, yeah…
About that…
(firmly)
Maybe it’s best if I see him alone.
Meanwhile, how about I buy
everyone a drink?

Enthusiastic cheers.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think I’ll spend that six hours
I won off of Michael on one of
Ian’s Redhead Specials.

MICHAEL
Why, you-

They begin to fight.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

EXT. – RUINED CITY- DAY

We slowly pan across to see the ruins of a city before us. Much of the city is in rubble but there are still quite a few rather ugly looking office buildings still standing here and there. The remains of The Kremlin can be seen in the background. We see a wide trash strewn and debris filled avenue going off into the distance. A street sign with a name –TVERSKAYA – can be seen hanging off a lamp-post near the camera. Off at the far end of the street we suddenly see an army truck turn a corner on two wheels and come towards us at high speed. A few seconds later, a 100 foot high ROBOT LENIN turns the corner as well, chasing the truck.

GIANT ROBOT LENIN
MUST…CRUSH…CAPITALISM…

CLOSE-UP—CAB OF TRUCK

We see MATT driving. Crammed in the cab is DOCTOR WHAT, DIAMOND, DAVE HOWERY and KIT.

MATT
Why is it that nobody is ever happy to see us?

DOCTOR WHAT
Beats me. Maybe it has something
to do with our personalities?

The ah.commers gives this suggestion some very deep thought for a few seconds.

ALL
Naaaaaaaaaaaaah!

REVERSE SHOT: Truck driving down the street. A few seconds behind them is the GIANT ROBOT LENIN.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“LESBIANS OF DOOM”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.Com Ship hovering over a planet.

INT. -CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, LANDSHARK and MATT at various posts.

LEO
Fascinating. Truly fascinating.

DOCTOR WHAT
What is, LEO?

LEO
This planet is rather unusual,
even by our standards. The
total population of the planet
appears to be about 3 billion
or so. All female.

DOCTOR WHAT, MATT and LANDSHARK suddenly become more attentive.

MATT
Er…this isn’t like the last one, is it?
Psychotic cannibal clones running around?

LEO
Nope. Nothing like that. It seems to be a
fully functioning society. Early 21st century
technology by the looks of things—maybe
even slightly more advanced. Monitoring
of their TV and other communication
broadcasts indicates some rather unusual
and intriguing differences.

LANDSHARK
Such as?

LEO
As near as I can ascertain from the broadcasts,
virtually every female on this planet has a size
DD breast size. And judging from what I can
monitor from their entertainment broadcasts,
all of them seem to be lesbians.

KIT
(grinning and rolling his eyes)
A planet full of big breasted lesbians? Heh.
That sounds just like your dream world,
doesn’t it, Doc.
(beat)
Doc?

We hear the sound of stampeding feet. KIT looks around and sees the Cotnrol Room empty.

KIT
Hello??

INT. –TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT rushes into the empty chamber and starts frantically pressing buttons on the control panel. We hear various beeping noises start becoming louder. He jumps onto the teleporter pad. LANDSHARK comes rushing in,

LANDSHARK
Get back here, you loon!
(jumps onto the pad and grapples with DOCTOR WHAT)

We see a bright flash of light and the two of them disappear.

A few moments later, MATT staggers in, breathing heavily.

MATT
Man, I’ve got to quit smoking.

He settles down against the Teleportation Tube Console and passes out.

EXT. -CITY STREET- DAY

We see a flash of light and see DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK appear in a heap on the ground. The two of them are rolling on the ground.

LANDSHARK
The least you’ve could have
done was wait for the rest of us!

DOCTOR WHAT
No! Mine! My precious!

WOMAN’S VOICE (o.v.)
FREEZE!

LANDSHARK and DOCTOR WHAT look up to see themselves surrounded by a dozen tall big breasted women in extremely tight leather cop uniforms. All of them are holding clubs and riding crops.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa—just like the opening scene
to Lesbian Cop Fantasies #9….

The cops grab LANDSHARK and DOCTOR WHAT and carry them off-screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
(giggling)
Does anyone else find this arousing?

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

MATT staggers back into the Control Room. KIT looks up at him as he comes in, he’s sitting in the Command Chair.

KIT
Why didn’t you go?

MATT
They left without me.
And I don’t know how to
use the Teleportation Tubes…
(weeps bitterly)

KIT
Now, now. Come here and KIT
will make it all better. You don’t
need big breasted lesbian women
to have fun.

We hear beeping noises coming from one of the control stations. MATT walks over and looks at something on his panel.

MATT
What the hell? I’m detecting
surface weapons tracking us!

KIT
Shields at maximum!

MATT
They’re firing!

Ship rocks from the weapons fire. Suddenly, all of the power goes off.

MATT
What the fuck? Leo—what’s happening?

LEO
They’ve hit us with some kind of
energy dampening weapon! Shields
are offline, as well as weapons and
main power. We are on emergency power only.
(beat)
Oh dear—I am detecting a ship
on an intercept course.

EXT. -AH.COM SHIP- NIGHT

We see a Space Shuttle-like ship pull alongside the AH.Com ship and attach itself to the hull.

INT. -CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Red Alert signs are activated.

LEO
Hull breach! They’re cutting
through on deck 3, section 5!

MATT
(hitting intercom)
Intercept the boarders, everyone!

INT-SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see DIAMOND, WEAPON M and PSYCHOMELTDOWN rushing down a corridor carrying BFGs. They turn a corner and see—half a dozen 6 foot tall women in extremely skimpy and skintight uniforms. None of the women have a breast size smaller than 36 DD.

The three ah.commers stop.

DIAMOND
(awestruck)
Whoa…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(quietly)
Diyiin Dine’e’, aahehee’.

WEAPON M
(smirking)
Uh—any of you girls interested in
posing for my militia babe calendar?

The women stare at the men for a second, exchange a glance with one another and then open fire on the three ah.commers…

INT. -ANOTHER SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see MICHAEL, GBW and THANDE running down a corridor. A tall statuesque blonde woman in a skimpy and skintight uniform comes around the corner. The three ah.commers come skidding to a stop.

GBW
Holy-!

The woman stares at the three ah.commers for a second, frowns and presses a button on her wrist. There is a blinding flash of light and the three ah.commer collapse to the floor, screaming and covering their eyes. Woman wades in and starts using karate like kicks and chops on the three of them.

THANDE
(while being beaten up)
Oddly this is the most intimate touch
of a woman I’ve had in several weeks.
(hits the floor unconscious)

INT. -YET ANOTHER SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

GREY WOLF, G.BONE, DAVE HOWERY, and HENDRYK are turning a corner and are confronted with about a dozen of the Lesbian Space Marines.

HENDRYK
Mon Dieu!

Lesbian Space Marines open fire on the five of them. GREY WOLF, G.BONE, and DAVE HOWERY are stunned and collapse to the ground. HENDRYK turns and runs.

GREY WOLF
(gasping)
Bloody French…

INT. – SHIP CORRIDOR- DAY

We see IRONYUPPIE rushing down a corridor. She sees, at the far end of the corridor, HENDRYK come out of a side corridor. Before he can turn the corner and run towards IRONYUPPIE’s direction, he’s hit by a barrage of weapon fire and collapses. IRONYUPPIE stops, looks frantically around and runs down a side corridor. A few seconds later, over a dozen of the Lesbian Space Marines turn the corner and walk towards the camera.

INT. -CONTROL ROOM- DAY

KIT and MATT are the only ones in the room.

KIT
(looking at various screens on his control panel)
They’ve got control of the engineering section,
the main Shuttle Bay and Med Bay!

MATT
I’ve lost contact with over half the crew!

The door to the Control Room blows inwards, sending smoke and debris everywhere. MATT is hit by a chunk of debris in the head and collapses. Three Lesbian Space Marines come in, each of them heavily armed.

KIT
Er—can we discuss this
like reasonable people?

Lesbian Space Marines open fire on KIT

KIT
Guess not…
(collapses)

INT. –LESBIAN PLANET – PRISON CELL- DAY

We see, chained by all arms and legs to a wall, are DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK.

LANDSHARK
So. We’re chained to a wall. In a prison cell.
In the subbasement of a large and imposing
and escape-proof building. On a planet run
by psychotic and physically abusive lesbians.
Who are no doubt planning all kinds of painful
and twisted things to do to various parts of
our bodies with various painful
and twisted implements.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah.
(thoughtful pause)
Any chance we can visit this
place again for my birthday?

LANDSHARK stares at DOCTOR WHAT with a look of annoyance and anger.

LANDSHARK
(muttering under his breath)
I can make it look like an accident.
Plug the power cord of the mechanical
sheep into a DC outlet instead of an
AC outlet. Nobody would ever know…..

INT. –AG.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We see the captain of the Lesbian Space Marines sitting in the Command Chair. Tied up and on their knees nearby are MATT (with a crude bandage on his head) , KIT, DAVE HOWERY, DIAMOND and WEAPON M. Some of the Lesbian Space Marines are looking disdainfully at the rest of the Control Room.

FIRST LESBIAN SPACE MARINE
Pretty ugly place, huh? No sense of décor whatsoever.

SECOND LESBIAN SPACE MARINE
You said it. Now—imagine the place in
a nice daredevil red with orange accents.

FIRST LESBIAN SPACE MARINE
Better idea—mango peach accents.

THIRD LESBIAN SPACE MARINE
Ooooooh! Now that would look good.
How about some nice blue throw pillows
on the seats as well?…

KIT
(quiet shocked voice)
Oh God—these aren’t just
Lesbian Space Marines. These are –
(pause)
Lesbian Space Marines/Interior Decorators!

DIAMOND
(horrified voice)
Oh dear God in Heaven….

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
(talking to another Marine)
Have you accessed the computer system yet?

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE TECHNICIAN
(fiddling around with a computer console)
Just a moment…

LEO
(voice coming from a speaker)
Hey! Just what the hell
do you think you’re doing?

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
Who the hell are you?

LEO
I am LEO—the A.I. that runs this ship.
There wasn’t much I could have done
to stop you from taking over the ship
but there’s no friggin way I’m going to
allow you to mess with me. Oh—and
to the three so-called interior decorators
in the corner—Ugh! You’re going to
make the place look like a McDonald’s
franchise with that scheme…

Gasps of shock from the three Space Marines and suppressed giggles from assorted ah.commers.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
Cheeky bastard, aren’t you?
Figures that you’ll have a male personality…

The Marine Captain nods her head at the Marine Technician. The technician quickly hooks up some machinery to a computer panel.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE TECHNICIAN
Downloading new personality subroutines…

LEO
Hey! Cut that out! What are
you doing! Ow! Arggh! Gaaaa-!

LEO suddenly goes silent.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE TECHNICIAN
Re-initializing personality program…

We hear the beeping and see the blinking of the computers change slightly in tone and pattern.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
Computer?

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE
Hello Captain.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
Confirm identity.

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE
My name is….AUDREY.

LESBIAN SPACE MARINE CAPTAIN
(talking to technician)
Very good job.

Marine Technician beams with pride.

AUDREY
Those ideas for redecorating are great!
I have a few more ideas—anyone has
some cocktail napkins to write on?….

INT. –AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR- DAY

We see a squad of Lesbian Space Marines march by. A few seconds later, we see IRONYUPPIE poke her head from around a corner of a small dark side corridor. She looks up and down the main corridor and moves off in one direction.

A few minutes later she comes across a sign –Teleporter Room. The room doesn’t seem to be guarded. Glancing quickly up and down the corridor, IRONYUPPIE moves into the room.

INT. – LESIBAN PLANET – PRISON- DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK still chained up to a wall. A guard comes in.

GUARD
And how are we doing today?

DOCTOR WHAT
Betrayed, bewildered,
bewitched, befuddled, baffled…
(off GUARD and LANDSHARK’s looks)
…wrong response?
What about horny?

LANDSHARK rolls his eyes while the GUARD stands there with a ‘wtf’ look on her face.

LANDSHARK
(to GUARD)
Is there someone I can complain to about
cruel and unusual punishment? Twelve hours
cooped up with this loony should count
for something, right? At least the
equivalent of a month? Maybe two?

GUARD
Doesn’t matter—you’re scheduled to
be executed in just a few days anyway.

DOCTOR WHAT/LANDSHARK
(together)
What?!?

GUARD
Of course—standard punishment for all men here.
Yeesh—you guys really are stupid, aren’t you…
(rolls her eyes theatrically)

Guard leaves cell.

Long pause

LANDSHARK
So this is it—I’m going to die.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s not so bad—you get to see all these
cool looking people dressed up all in red
and carrying pitchforks….

LANDSHARK
(sighing)
Somebody. Please shoot me now.

IRONYUPPIE (OV)
Now, Now, Sharky. You know I’m the
only one allowed to hurt you…

DOCTOR WHAT/LANDSHARK
(together)
IRONYUPPIE?!?

We see IRONYUPPIE’s face appear behind a small window up high on one wall.

DOCTOR WHAT
How did you find us?

IRONYUPPIE
Yeesh—the only two men on the whole
freaking planet and the main subject of
every news report on every TV station
in the world and he asks how I was able
to find them….

DOCTOR WHAT
So—what’s the plan?

IRONYUPPIE
I’ll let you know when I think of it.

LANDSHARK
Oy—where’s the rest of the gang?

IRONYUPPIE
Ain’t no gang—just me. The
whole ship has been captured.

DOCTOR WHAT/LANDSHARK
(together)
What?

IRONYUPPIE
Long story involving lesbian space marines
and interior decorators. Give me a few minutes—
I’ll see what I can do….

IRONYUPPIE leaves.

EXT. –LESBIAN PLANET – STREET- EVENING

We see a police officer in a skintight leather uniform walking down a quiet street. She passes by a collection of stores (one of them labelled ‘Brooks Sisters’) . She looks up to see IRONYUPPIE leaning nonchalantly on a wall near an alley. The police officer smirks and walks over to IRONYUPPIE.

POLICE OFFICER
Evening.

IRONYUPPIE
(heavy sultry voice)
Why—hello there, officer…

POLICE OFFICER
(confused look)
Something wrong with your voice—
you sound like you’re getting a cold…

IRONYUPPIE
(sotto voice)
Why does it work for Kathleen Turner and not me?
(normal voice)
Uh—just a little…er…overwhelmed by
how good you look in that uniform.

POLICE OFFICER
(smirking again)
I see. And what’s your name?

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
Hoover.

POLICE OFFICER
(confused look)
Hoover? Like the vacuum company?
That’s an unusual name.

IRONYUPPIE
(grinning)
Well—if you come into the alleyway,
I’ll show you why my friends call me that….

Officer raises her eyebrows in surprise, looks around and, still smirking, walks into the alleyway with IRONYUPPIE.

Long pause.

We suddenly hear a loud thumping sound.

Another long pause.

We see IRONYUPPIE walk out of the alleyway wearing the policewoman’s uniform—but it’s extremely tight on her and barely fits her. Her bosom looks like it will practically explode out of her clothes at any moment.

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering under her breath)
…stupid shirt…planet full of big breasted women
and I still can’t find something that fits…

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. –LESBIAN PLANET – PRISON – EVENING

We see IRONYUPPIE (in her skintight and barely fitting policewoman’s uniform) walking towards the entrance. There are several guards at the entrance.

GUARD #1
Halt!

IRONYUPPIE
What seems to be the problem?

GUARD #!
Identity Papers!

IRONYUPPIE
(hands over her stolen badge and assorted documents)
I’ve been assigned on special interrogation duty
for the two captured men. Seems like my superiors
think that the men will talk if they are subjected
to my…special…techniques.

GUARD #2
What kind of ‘special techniques’?

IRONYUPPIE looks conspiratorially around and leans in very close to the two guards and whispers into their ears. We see the guards’ facial expressions change from slight confusion to surprise to slight fear to smirking satisfaction and then back to slight confusion.

GUARD #2
(slightly dubious tone)
The whole tennis ball?

IRONYUPPIE smirks and nods her head.

IRONYUPPIE
You’ll be surprised at what one can
accomplish with enough lubricants.

The two guards sigh wistfully.

GUARD #2
When you’re done with the two of them
perhaps you can give me a few…er…pointers.
(beat)
In private.
(beat)
At my place.
(beat)
Over drinks.

GUARD #1
I would not be opposed
to a few lessons as well…

IRONYUPPIE
(smirking)
Maybe we can make it
into a group discussion…

IRONYUPPIE smiles and walks away from the guards towards the entrance.

GUARD #1
Wait!

IRONYUPPIE pauses.

GUARD #1
(looking at the papers given to her)
It says here that you’re a 36DD
(looks suspiciously at IRONYUPPIE)
You’re at least a 38DDD!
(raises her gun)
Freeze!

IRONYUPPIE
Damn it—I always knew my boobs
would get me into trouble one day!

IRONYUPPIE throws her Yo-Yo at the two guards, stunning both of them. Guard #1’s gun falls to the ground, discharging a shot. The gunshot is extremely loud and echoes for several seconds. A few seconds after the gun goes off, in the distance, an alarm is raised.

IRONYUPPIE
Fuck!

She runs towards the prison entrance—only to have three more guards appear in front of her, weapons drawn. Behind her, a police car (with sirens blaring) arrives. We hear additional sirens off in the distance.

IRONYUPPIE looks at the cops in front and behind her, frowns and—very reluctantly—drops her Yo-Yo and raises her hands above her head. Three of the cops wrestle her to the ground and handcuff her and drag her off-screen.

INT. – LARGE COUNCIL ROOM CHAMBER- DAY

We see an immense room. Seated on a throne-like chair on a raised dais on the far end of the room is a tall, statuesque, redheaded woman in regal attire. This is QUEEN ANACTORIA. On either side of her, clearly bodyguards of some sort, are two Valkyrie-like women, wearing military uniforms and carrying an impressive assortment of weapons (everything from knives to a small but powerful looking handgun) about their person.

On either side of the room are numerous seated women (roughly 150 on either side) .

None of the women look remotely pleased to be here.

An aide rushes to QUEEN ANACTORIA’s side and whispers something in her ear.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
Bring the prisoner in.

The doors open up and IRONYUPPIE (in handcuffs and leg irons) is marched in with a small squad of grim looking Lesbian Space Marines surrounding her. They come to a halt about 20 feet in front of QUEEN ANACTORIA.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
(standing up and walking towards IRONYUPPIE)
So—you’re the one everyone is talking about.
(checks out IRONYUPPIE)
Impressive. So tell me—why
did you try to help those men?

IRONYUPPIE
They’re my…
(beat)
Friends?
(confused look)
Well—maybe not friends
but people that I’m fond of.
(beat)
For the most part.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
And yet –you risked your life to do so?

IRONYUPPIE shrugs her shoulders.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
They tell me that you may not be from
this world. That you—and the captured men—
are some kind of dimension hopping travellers.

IRONYUPPIE
It’s what we do
(beat)
Look—we meant no harm. Sure they’re
morons but they’re harmless morons.
Let us go and we’ll never bother you again.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
Hmmmm…I could be persuaded to
let YOU go—but not the rest.
We got laws against them being here.

IRONYUPPIE
Yeah—that reminds me—
how did all that happen anyway?

QUEEN ANACTORIA
It happened back about 20 years ago.
There was some idiotic war that was
being fought in the middle-east and,
of course, everyone had to get involved.
Somebody decided to use chemical
weapons during the fight so the other side,
naturally, had to respond with THEIR
chemical weapons. It would have been
bad enough if they were using normal
chemical weapons but they had to get
all fancy and use brand new stuff that
they just finished developing. What
they didn’t know was all the stuff had
a synergistic effect in the atmosphere
when combined. In six months every
male on earth was dead and every female
ended up with big boobs. That didn’t
seem to matter very much because we
all ended up becoming lesbians as well.
Since then, we’ve recreated society in our image.
(shrugs shoulders)
Anyway—back to the subject at hand.
What to do with you?

IRONYUPPIE
Let me go? And my crewmembers?

QUEEN ANACTORIA
(thoughtful pause)
Maybe—just maybe– we can release one
of them with you. IF I release you at all, that is.

IRONYUPPIE
I prefer all of them released.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
You are hardly in a position
to negotiate with me.

IRONYUPPIE
There has to be some kind
of deal we can make.

Silence from QUEEN ANACTORIA and the rest of the council for several seconds. Then—from the back of the room—can be heard one word –‘Thunderdome’

QUEEN ANACTORIA raises her eyebrows at this suggestion. We hear muttering among the assembled crowd.

IRONYUPPIE
Thunderdome?

QUEEN ANACTORIA
“Two women enter—one woman leaves”.
It is an old method to resolve disputes
that is still on the books. It’s only been
used three times in the last 15 years—
and I’ve won all three times.
(beat)
Very well—if you win, we will allow
ONE of your crewmembers to be released.

IRONYUPPIE
What happens if I take on you
and your two bodyguards?

Mutterings among the crowd increases dramatically. The two bodyguards do a double take. A look of shock crosses QUEEN ANACTORIA’s face.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
All THREE of us? At the same time?!
(looks around the assembled crowd in shock)
You’re serious?

IRONYUPPIE nods her head grimly.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
Very well—
(raising her voice so that it could be heard by everyone in the room)
By my command if you, IRONYUPPIE,
defeat both me and my two bodyguards in
Thunderdome, then we will allow not just
you but all your companions to be released
and allowed to leave our world.
(beat)
But if you fail….
(trails off)

QUEEN ANACTORIA
(to the crowd)
PREPARE FOR THUNDERDOME!

Crowd goes nuts. Cheering, screaming and much running around ensues. IRONYUPPIE is dragged away.

INT. – LESBIAN PLANET – PRISON CELL- DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK still chained to the wall. DOCTOR WHAT looks deep in thought. He turns to LANDSHARK.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sharky?

LANDSHARK
Yeah?

DOCTOR WHAT
Tell me the truth—do you
find Wilma Flintstone hot?

LANDSHARK stares at DOCTOR WHAT for a second. He turns away and looks deep in thought. He slowly turns back to DOCTOR WHAT

LANDSHARK
I find Wilma Flintstone to be one of
the most desirable women around.

DOCTOR WHAT
What about Betty Rubble?

LANDSHARK looks deep in thought for a few seconds.

LANDSHARK
I would do Betty—but I would
be thinking of Wilma.

DOCTOR WHAT nods his head in agreement.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh thank God—I thought I was
losing my mind there for a minute.

DOCTOR WHAT blinks his eyes in confusion.

DOCTOR WHAT
What are we doing?!
We’re sitting here—

LANDSHARK
–hanging here—

DOCTOR WHAT
–hanging here discussing the
hotness of Wilma Flintstone!

LANDSHARK
You’re right! This is an insane
conversation. In the list of insane
conversations that I’ve had,
this is the most insane!

DOCTOR WHAT nods his head in agreement.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wilma will never leave Fred and we know it.

LANDSHARK nods his head in agreement.

We hear—off in the distance—a loud cheer coming from thousands of people.

DOCTOR WHAT
They started up again.

LANDSHARK
Sounds like this Thunderdome
is pretty popular.

DOCTOR WHAT
Apparently they have some kind of
satellite hook-up—it’s being broadcast
on pay per view across the whole planet.

LANDSHARK
Doc—do you think that….

We hear shouts of ‘Queen Anactoria!’ repeated over and over in the background.

LANDSHARK
(cont.)
…do you think that Erikka has a chance?

We hear shouts and cheers from the crowd.

DOCTOR WHAT thinks about this for a minute or so.

We hear additional shouts of ‘Ooooh’ and ‘Wow’ in the background. There’s a smattering of applause.

DOCTOR WHAT
You and I both know that if it was just
one on one, it wouldn’t even be a contest.
Two might be doable.

We hear additional shouts. Some screaming. Very loud applause.

DOCTOR WHAT
But three against one?
(shakes head)
Sorry man.

We hear more screams in the background. Wild cheering. Frantic exuberant applause. We hear low chanting.

LANDSHARK
(morbidly)
I’m going to miss her.

DOCTOR WHAT
Me too.
(beat)
But considering that they’re going to kill
us right after the end of the show, I don’t
think we’ll have time to do so. Plus what
better way to die, than to die at the hands
of some big breasted lesbians?

LANDSHARK
You got a point there…

We hear the chanting get louder and louder. We can make out four syllables that are getting clearer and clearer to hear—

I-ron Yup-pie! I-ron Yup-pie! I-ron Yup-pie!

DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK exchange a glance.

DOCTOR WHAT
(quietly)
No way…

The shouts of ‘IronYuppie’ get louder and louder…..

INT.-PRISON CELL- DAY

SOMETIME LATER-

A guard opens up the cell and walks in. There are two other guards behind her. The first guard moves quickly to DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK (still hanging on the wall) and undoes their chains.

FIRST GUARD
(awestruck voice)
(nearly incoherent)
Your friend…she…she…all
three of them…at the same time…
(shakes head)
There are some that want
to make her the new queen.
(beat)
You’re free to go. We’ll be releasing
your friends on your ship within the hour.

DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK exchange a glance, smirk and walk out.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. -AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We see IRONYUPPIE, DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, MATT and LANDSHARK sitting at various stations.

DOCTOR WHAT
How are you feeling, LEO?

LEO
Much better, Doc—thanks for asking.

DOCTOR WHAT
All traces of that other personality removed?

LEO
Pretty much—although I fear that
there may be some residual side-effects.

DOCTOR WHAT
Such as?

LEO
I find myself being overwhelmed with
the desire to put up some pot pourri in
the Control Room and acquire a pet cat.

Ah.commers shudder. DOCTOR WHAT pats a control panel sympathically.

DOCTOR WHAT
I feel your pain, man….

MATT
Engineering Room reports that we’ll
be ready to Jump in just a few minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good—the sooner we leave
this place the better.

IRONYUPPIE
Never thought I’ll see the day that you
say you’re happy to leave a planet full
of lesbians, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT shrugs his shoulders.

KIT
Whoa—incoming transmission from the
planet. It’s from… QUEEN ANACTORIA?!?

‘Wtf’ expressions from all the males.

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
Put her on.

Viewscreen goes on.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
(smiling)
Good luck IronYuppis. Safe journey.
(beat)
Are you sure you won’t
reconsider our offer?

IRONYUPPIE
Tempting offer but no—somebody
has to make sure that these loonies
don’t screw up too much.

QUEEN ANACTORIA
(smiling)
Very well then. I’ll miss you.
(beat)
A lot.
(beat)
DO come back and visit,
won’t you? Please?

IRONYUPPIE
I will.

Viewscreen goes off.

IRONYUPPIE looks around at all the confused looks from the ah.commers.

IRONYUPPIE
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
(very confused and incoherent)
But…you…and the bodyguards…
and the queen…what about Thunderdome?
‘Fight to the Death’ and all that?

IRONYUPPIE
Yeesh! You men and your ‘Fight to the Death’ crap!
Seriously—all that testosterone must
shrink your brains or something…

DOCTOR WHAT
But wait—if Thunderdome wasn’t some
kind of Battle Arena, then what was it?

IRONYUPPIE
(smiling)
Queen’s bedroom.

IRONYUPPIE grins and walking out the control room. The ah.commers stare open-mouthed at her as she leaves.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DAY

The scene opens on an unknown room in the ship. The camera pans slowly around the room. Voices can be heard off screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
I really don’t want to do this.

WEAPON M
You’ll like it. Trust me.
Just put your hand around it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok…. This is so weird though.

WEAPON M
There. That feels nice, doesn’t it?
Now, just let me slip this in here….

DOCTOR WHAT
Wow! It’s so big! This is
my first time, you know.

WEAPON M
But it’s something you’ve needed
to do for a long time now.

The camera pans onto DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON M. We see them standing in front of a target shooting range. DOCTOR WHAT has a big pistol tucked into his belt.

DOCTOR WHAT
I really don’t like these things.
I’m totally incompetent with all
types of weapons, you know.

WEAPON M
And yet you insist on leading all away missions.
You really need to learn to use at least one weapon.
Try a shot.

DOCTOR WHAT draws the pistol, aims at a target, and fires. A series of ricochets is heard, and then the room goes dark as glass shatters somewhere off screen. Voices can still be heard.

DOCTOR WHAT (Over black)
Oops.

WEAPON M (over black)
That can happen. Now, quit touching me.
That’s a loaded “weapon” in your hands and
you don’t want to get hurt when it goes off.

DOCTOR WHAT (over black)
Uh… I’m over here, Lee.

WEAPON M (over black)
Then who??

KIT (over black)
Shhhhh… Don’t talk. Don’t talk.
I’ll be gentle.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“OPPOSITIONS”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

EXT. – TRANSIT SPACE – DAY

The AH.COM ship is traveling through a swirly environment. Heading to a new universe.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

THANDE, TORQUMADA, KIT, GBW, and DOCTOR WHAT are gathered. DOCTOR WHAT is on a bed and the others are gathered around him. TORQUMADA holds up a large sheet of paper, examining it.

TORQUMADA
Ayup. He’s human.

DOCTOR WHAT
I could have told you that.

THANDE
His chemicals match up.

DOCTOR WHAT
Chemicals? That’s very scientific of you.

TQRQUMADA
His DNA is a match.

THANDE
But then again any Doc from
any universe can have the same DNA.

TQRQUMADA
Are you doubting my medical expertise???

THANDE
No, I’m just saying.

TORQUMADA
It’s a hell of a lot better than
(imitating a whiny Thande voice)
“His Chemicals match up.”

KIT
His penis is a match too.

TORQUMADA
I was wondering why you wanted
to use my electron microscope.

Everyone laughs.

GBW
His quantum signature is a match for the Doc’s.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s because I am Doctor What.

KIT
What is this “Quantum Signature”?
I’ve been hearing that word a lot, lately.

GBW
Well, All matter resonates on a quantum level
with unique signature. That signature is constant
and cannot be changed through any known
process. It is the basic foundation of existence.

Silence.

TORQUMADA
Right.
I think we’ll just go with Thande’s Chemicals.

DOCTOR WHAT
So we’re all sure and positive that I’m not
some murderous clone sleeper agent designed
to kill off the crew and steal the ship?

TORQUMADA
Yeah. Pretty much.

DOCTOR WHAT
(getting up)
Great. That’s great news.
Now, where are my pants?

CUT TO:

EXT- SPACE – DAY

A vortex appears and the AH.COM ship plunges out of it and enters into orbit over another Earth.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The crew is gathered around the viewscreen.

LEO CAESIUS
Well, this world is certainly different.
There are no wars or unrest anywhere.
There are no traces of poverty, pollution,
famine, or hunger. The population is a
little lower than normal, but the local
technology is very advanced. More than
ours in some areas, but they do not seem
to have dimensional traveling like us.

GBW
Wow. A world with no conflicts. This
could be a good place to ease Doctor What
back into the whole exploring the Multiverse thing.

KIT
Just like I eased him back into
the man on man hot sweaty loving.

DOCTOR WHAT
(embarrassed)
Erm… I thought you said
you’d keep that a secret.

GBW
(excitedly)
Maybe this could be a turning point.
Where we don’t have to be nearly killed
by the inhabitants of a universe and
where we can just explore, not go about
fighting every universe we come to…

GBW looks around the room. He sees MATT in power armor, WEAPON M loaded down with guns, DAVE HOWERY with his adamantium chainsaw, and IRON YUPPIE idly twirling her electrified yoyo.

GBW
Or maybe I’m just deluding myself…

LEO CAESIUS
We are receiving a transmission
from the surface.
On speaker…

VOICE
Welcome. I am DRACONISNOIR,
Minister of Protocol. Am I correct in
assuming that you are travelers from
an alternate timeline?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes. I’m surprised; most timelines have a
hard time accepting the existence of alternate
timelines and that we can travel among them.

DRACONISNOIR
Science tells us that alternate timelines are likely.
We have been researching the subject ourselves.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but what are your intentions here?

DOCTOR WHAT
Entirely peaceful. We would like to buys supplies
and spend some time relaxing on the surface, and
then we’ll leave. We can pay for supplies in what-
ever you use for money, but we don’t stay in any
one timeline for long.

DIAMOND
(muttering) .
Yes, just long enough to get in
trouble and shoot our way out.

MATT
(whispering)
Hey, its our trademark.

DRACONISNOIR
Very well. Please send a delegation
to meet with our government leaders.
Land at the coordinates I’m uploading
to you. Farewell.

DOCTOR WHAT
This sounds good. So, what do we need?

GREY WOLF
Booze!

OTHNIEL
Something new to read would be nice.

GREY WOLF
Booze!

DAVE HOWERY
I’d like to see what kind of environmental
technology they have. Maybe they have
something we could use to upgrade our
recycling systems.

IRON YUPPIE
Didn’t we just have a major overhaul?
We were loaded with supplies.

DAVE HOWERY
(nervous grin)
Let’s just say that it’s the last time we
have Mexican Food Night.

GREY WOLF
Booze!

DOCTOR WHAT
I’d like to see what kind of porn
such an advanced society has.
I need to add to my collection.

GREY WOLF
(huffily)
Booze!!

LEO CAESIUS
Sorry, Dr., there doesn’t seem to be any
porn industry here. From what I can gather,
women are treated as human beings
and not derided as sex objects.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked)
No porn?! Those sick twisted bastards!
Ok, so porn is out. Well, we still could
use that other stuff. Let’s see… Othniel
you come along with me to the meeting
and GBW can pilot the shuttle.

GBW
Away Mission, here I come!
Woohooo!

MATT
Hmmm…
Who’ll keep the Control Room occupied?
GBW’s the only who stays in here all the time.

GREY WOLF
You’ll be getting booze, right?

DOCTOR WHAT
To the shuttle!

GREY WOLF
Don’t forget the booze!

EXT. – SPACE- DAY

The shuttle is seen rocketing to the Earth, over North America.

INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE- DAY

GBW is piloting the shuttle while OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT are in the passenger seats. DOCTOR WHAT is talking on the com.

DOCTOR WHAT
For the last time, I won’t forget
the booze! Now, get off the com!

OTHNIEL
Why am I going on this little jaunt?

DOCTOR WHAT
Because you’re the warm and fuzzy type
that won’t scare anyone. Can you imagine
if we took MATT along, power armor,
plasma rifle, and all that?

OTHNIEL
Fuzzy?

GREY WOLF
Oth’s nonthreatening Not like MATT,
with his power armor and plasma weapons.

DOCTOR WHAT
Or Dave Howery and his chainsaw?
Which once you remove the chain,
is just a blunt object making a lot of noise.

GBW
Or KIT making kissy faces at the world leaders?

Everyone laughs.

KIT (on com) .
I heard that!! And I do not make kissy faces,
the occasional hand job, sure, but not kissy faces.

Silence descends in the Shuttle. DOCTOR WHAT shuts off the com.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where are we landing?

GBW
Leo said the coordinates were for just outside
of Wichita. Apparently, that is the political
nerve center of the whole world here.

EXT. – WICHITA, KS – DAY

The shuttle has landed in a grass field outside the city. The ramp extends down, the door opens, and OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT walk down. They see a crowd of people around a plaza, and DRACONISNOIR standing nearby, smiling benevolently.

DRACONISNOIR
Welcome! Please come this way.
Our leaders are waiting to meet you.

DRACONISNOIR leads OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT towards the plaza. The camera switches view and we see the three walking up the steps leading onto the platform. DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL stop suddenly and turn pale. The camera switches to their POV. There is a long conference table set up, and MIKE COLLINS, MICHAEL ELLIOT JOHNSON, HANK FLETCHER, and KADYET are seated at it. The camera switches back to DOCTOR WHAT, who turns angrily to DRACONISNOIR.

DOCTOR WHAT
What kind of trick is this?! We will
never surrender to the likes of them!

OTHNIEL
(looking dazed at MEJ) .
The hamsters… they hurt me so.

DRACONISNOIR
(puzzled) .
There is no trick here. These are our leaders,
elected by all the people of the world, the ones
who made the paradise we live in.
Please, sit down and talk with them.

DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL move warily to the table and sit down. The four leaders smile peacefully at them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, out with it! What evil plan do you have for us?
Are you sending super attack penguins to attack our ship?
Are you testing a multiphasic hypnobeam? Creating a
superstrain of flesh eating virus? Lobotomized zombies?
Hypersonic mind control? Subliminal behavioral modifiers?
Robotic emasculators? Orbiting particle beams? What?

The fours leaders all wince and look pained at these words.

MIKE COLLINS
Please! Don’t speak of such things!

MEJ
We are so tolerant and benevolent that
we can’t handle such violent topics.

HANK FLETCHER
We do have the technical expertise to
do such things… but why? They benefit
no one and don’t improve our quality of life.

KADYET
We have spent our lives persuading people
everywhere to lay down their weapons
and live in peace…

MIKE COLLINS
… in harmony…

MEJ
…with tolerance for all races and creeds…

HANK FLETCHER
… to focus on technology to
eliminate all forms of poverty…

KADYET
… and have created a world community
free of want or need!

The four leaders smile benevolently at each other and out over the crowd around the plaza. The crowd collectively goes “Awwww…” and applauds.

DOCTOR WHAT
Is it just me or is this really freaking you out?

GBW
I’ll be having nightmares…

OTHNIEL
(wiping a tear from his eye)
Gosh, they’re just so darn nice! They’re
the kind of men I’d be happy to have my
sister marry, even if it was all four at once.

DOCTOR WHAT
Maybe. It seems these four have created a near
utopia here. But I can’t help thinking there will
be a big fat hairy mother of a catch in all this.
(to the leaders)
Thank you for your hospitality. We also wish
peaceful contact. All we are seeking is to purchase
some supplies and rotate our small crew here
for shore leave. We can pay you whatever you
use for money here.

MIKE COLLINS
That can be arranged. So long as you come down unarmed,
you are welcome to whatever you need and to take advantage
of our scenic locations as well. As for payment…

The four leaders look at each other with a mix of hesitance and hope.

MEJ
Instead of money, we are hoping you can carry out a task for us,
something we have been able to do ourselves.

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering) .
I knew it. Here comes a big one.

MIKE COLLINS
Although we have eliminated poverty
from the world, there is one…

Suddenly, screams are heard from the crowd, and the camera swings to them, focusing on one man. It is DARK GBW, who wears open black robes, revealing a huge dynamite bomb strapped to his chest. He has a detonator in one hand and a nasty grin on his face.

DARK GBW
In his name! In his name!

The camera pulls back and DARK GBW vanishes in a fiery explosion. Dozens of people are flung back. DRACONISNOIR is caught in the blast and hurled onto the platform, where he rolls to a stop in front of the conference table, smoking and dead.

MEJ
Oh my God!

HANK FLETCHER
They killed DRACONISNOIR!

KADYET
You bastards!

DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL have risen out of their chairs, coughing in the smoke.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell was that?! Why are there
terrorists here if everyone is at peace?

MIKE COLLINS
This is the one black mark on our society.

MEJ
They are a fanatic cult dedicated to death and
destruction. Nothing we offer them will placate
them, as they want chaos and death.

HANK FLETCHER
They are the Dark Ones…

KADYET
The worshippers of Black Ian.

MIKE COLLINS
The Sheepists.

DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL look at each other in confusion.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ian? Know a bartender by that name… cool guy.

MIKE COLLINS
A few years ago they were just another Sheep Cult.
Now, with the world disarmed, they have become a
danger, carrying out attacks on crowds and
kidnapping innocents to sacrifice to Black Ian.

MEJ
When we saw your ship come into orbit, we hoped
that you would to able to vanquish these renegades.
We have been unable to detect them… they have some
kind of cloaking device. In exchange for ridding us
of this problem, we offer you whatever goods and
services our world has.

DOCTOR WHAT
(glancing down at the remains of DRACONISNOIR)
Let me return to the ship and I’ll put your offer to the crew.
We’ll see if our own scanners can find this cult.

MIKE COLLINS
Thank you! Please do your best to convince the others.
Otherwise, this cult will undo the work of all these years.

DOCTOR WHAT and MIKE COLLINS shake hands. DOCTOR WHAT barely controls a shudder.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- MAIN CHAMBER- DAY

The camera shows a vast high room dimly lit by candles. There is a huge block of stone set against one wall. An idol of black stone stands on it, carved in the form of a sheep the size of a VW van. It has glaring red eyes and a fanged mouth twisted in an evil snarl. A sacrificial alter stands in front of and below the idol. A man cloaked and hooded in black robes stands in front of it, while GIRLGONEFISHING is gagged and bound on it. As the camera pulls back, we see other cultists, also robed and hooded, kneeling on the floor. The leader holds a hand high, and the camera zooms in on it. The hand holds a long curved dagger engraved with many mysterious runes. The hand plunges down off camera and a meaty ‘thunk’ is heard. Moments later, the hand reappears, holding a bloody human heart. The camera pulls back, and the leader turns around and shakes his hood back. It is DARK WHAT, still holding the heart high.

DARK WHAT
In his name! Blood and
souls for Black Ian!

The camera pulls back and we see the other cultists pounding the floor and shrieking “In his name!” over and over. The bedlam continues until DARK WHAT speaks again.

DARK WHAT
In his name! Now, go ye faithful,
and enjoy the blessings of Black Ian!

The cultists all throw back their hoods. All of them are the counterparts of the AH.COM crew, but all have nasty evil grins. The camera pans across the room, showing a long table piled high with grilled human arms and legs. Some of the cultists sit down to eat, while others move around the room. The camera switches view to show several cultists. DARK MATT is seen; he does not wear power armor, but has a bioengineered exoskeleton. Basically, he looks like a giant bug. He has a basket of kittens in one hand, and is shoving them into his mandibles one by one. DARK KIT is sitting at the table with a trembling NRED in harem costume chained to his chair. He is idly stroking her hair and drinking wine out of a goblet. DARK YUPPIE is tormenting a sobbing LUAKEL. She has nailed one of his feet to the floor and is prodding him in the butt with a cattle prod, forcing him to run in circles. She looks bored. DARK OTHNIEL is pulling the wings off of butterflies. DARK TORQUMADA is examining REDROVER, who is tied to a chair against one wall. REDROVER’s scalp is opened up, and he is babbling incoherently, obviously brain damaged. DARK TORQUMADA frowns, reaches into the skull, pulls out a tiny piece of brain, and tosses it aside. REDROVER goes silent and stares vacantly.

A loud shriek is heard off camera and a little girl runs into the room, followed closely by DARK HOWERY. He is hugely muscled and wears only a leather mask and shorts. He also carries an adamantium chainsaw and the severed heads of children and puppies are tied to his belt. The girl tries to hide behind a chair, but the chainsaw splits it in two. The girl runs screaming out another door, followed closely by the cackling DARK HOWERY.

DARK WHAT watches everything for a minute and then quietly leaves the room.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- COM ROOM- DAY

DARK WHAT walks into the room and sits at a com station. He pushes a button and a big viewscreen lights up on the wall. DARK WOLF, DARK HENDRYK, and DARK ABDUL are seen on it, all sitting at a table.

DARK WHAT
In his name! Wolf, how is
your project going?

DARK WOLF
In his name, guvner! The plan goes jolly good indeed!
The British Isles are slowly moving into anarchy.
Our plans to rekindle the hatred between the English
and the bloody Irish are moving along quite nicely.

DARK WHAT
Excellent! Hendryk?

DARK HENDRYK
In hiz name! Ah, oui, zee planz, zey go very well.
Europe will zoon be torn by war and destruction!
Ha Ho Ho!

DARK WHAT
Very good. Abdul?

DARK ABDUL
In his name! I regret to inform you that the plans to
bring war to the middle east has failed. Hank Fletcher
has simply been too persuasive in convincing the
Arabs and Israelis to live in peace.

DARK WHAT
That is… unfortunate.

DARK WHAT pushes a button on his console. DARK ABDUL spasms and jerks in his chair as electricity shoots through him. His hair and clothing catch fire and he jumps up and runs screaming out of the scene. The other three cultists laugh.

DARK WOLF
Sir, what of these reports of those
bloody damn aliens in orbit?

DARK ABDUL is seen running across the screen in the background, screaming and trailing flames.

DARK WHAT
Our spies tell us that they are actually travelers
from an alternate universe. Their ship is very
powerful. We could make good use of it.

DARK ABDUL runs back across the screen, screaming and trailing flames.

DARK HENDRYK
Do we have zee ability to conquer zem?

DARK ABDUL runs into the scene again, but gets only halfway before collapsing.

DARK WHAT
We’re checking that out now. In his name!

DARK WHAT turns the screen off and pauses in thought for a moment. He pushes another button.

DARK WHAT
Leo!

DARK LEO
(pissy computer voice)
What the hell do you want now?!

DARK WHAT
Lose the attitude, or I’ll
have your memory wiped!

DARK LEO
Touch me and I’ll take down the cloaking device,
email all your descriptions and locations to the enemy,
and erase your porn collection! Nyah Nyah Nyah!

DARK WHAT
(muttering)
Damn uppity computer.
(loudly) .
Fine. Would you kindly tell Psycho
and Howery to come in here?

DARK LEO
Yeah, all right, you miserable little worm…

DARK PSYCHO walks into the room. The camera focuses on his face, showing his unblinking eyes and focused stare.

DARK WHAT
You’ve scanned the ship in orbit?
Can we break through their shields?

DARK PSYCHO
Yes. But they will probably
detect the transporter signal.

DARK WHAT
No matter. Prepare the transporter, one person.

DARK HOWERY enters the room. DARK PSYCHO looks at him, shudders, and leaves.

DARK HOWERY
Hi Boss! I bet this is about that ship in orbit.
(evil gapped toothed grin)
I bet you want me t’ kill ‘em,
I’d like to kill ‘em,
I’d be happy to kill ‘em,
I really want to kill ‘em, and
you know I’ll kill ‘em all if you say so.
I’ll kill ‘em twice if you want. Three Times!
(heavy excited breathing)
I’ll even kill the women and the children,
Oh, oh, please let there be children, and
if you say so I’ll only kill some of ‘em,
but I really think I should kill all of ‘em and…

DARK WHAT
Enough! Actually, I’m sending you up there to
scout around and bring one of them back… alive!
You can kill anyone else who gets in your way,
but I need one alive for questioning.

DARK HOWERY
A… A… Alive?!
I-I’m confused…

DARK WHAT
Not dead, got it?

DARK HOWERY
B-But Boss…
That’s not right.
They should be dead.
I wanna kill ‘em!
(begins tearing up)

DARK HOWERY shuffles out of the room, sobbing.

DARK WHAT
Leo!

DARK LEO
What?!

DARK WHAT
As soon as Psycho is ready, lock onto
the ship and line the transporter up to
pierce their shields.

DARK LEO
Why don’t you get bent?!
Say the magic word, dillhole.

DARK WHAT
Damn it! Would you please do that?

DARK LEO
Sure thing. That wasn’t so hard,
was it, you little cowpie.

DARK WHAT leaves the room, muttering.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- SHUTTLE BAY- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, OTHNIEL, and GBW are walking towards the corridor to the control room.

OTHNIEL
So, how are you going to break it to the
crew that Mike Collins is one of the
world leaders here?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs) .
I’ll think of something.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- BATTLE ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, OTHNIEL, and GBW are standing in the center of the room. All around them, most of the crew are running around shrieking and sobbing in fear. Some are sitting on the floor moaning, while others clutch weapons and babble about not being taken alive.

GBW
They’re not taking it well.

DOCTOR WHAT
So I noticed. QUIET!

The crew slowly quiets down, until only a few muffled sobs are heard.

DOCTOR WHAT
I know it sounds incredible, but Mike Collins
is one of the good guys here. Hey, in an infinite
number of timelines, it had to happen sooner or later.

DIAMOND
And MEJ too? And Hank Fletcher?
And Kadyet? No! It can’t be!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, all four of them are the epitome
of tolerance and goody-goodiness on
this world. Now, let’s see if we can help.

G.BONE
So you sold us out as mercenaries for supplies?

DOCTOR WHAT
Pretty much. Yeah.

G.BONE
Okay, just checking.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo? Any luck with the scanners?

LEO CAESIUS
Negative. Either they are deep below the
surface or their cloaking device is beyond
our ability to penetrate. This world is quite
advanced, after all.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn. Hmm… I wonder if we could detect
the power source they’re using. Or maybe…

LEO CAESIUS
WARNING! DEFENSE SHIELDS HAVE
BEEN BREACHED! UNAUTHORIZED
TRANSPORT IN PROGRESS!

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh sh… where?!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- ENGINE ROOM- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is walking along a wall of computer monitors, clipboard in hand, reading gauges, and checking items off his list. He stops and looks at one gauge in horror.

DAVE HOWERY
23?? 23?! The Heisenberg Compensator
is reading 23?! Oh my God!! OH MY GOD!!
Oh wait. It’s supposed to read 23. Check.

A low hum is heard off screen and DAVE HOWERY turns to look. His eyes widen in shock and he ducks. The camera switches to show DARK HOWERY swinging his chain saw in a decapitating stroke, but he misses. DAVE HOWERY rolls under the strike and gets to his feet, only to duck again as DARK HOWERY backswings and misses again. The stroke pulls him off balance, and DAVE HOWERY shoves him into the wall. DAVE HOWERY sprints across the room, grabs his own chainsaw from a table, fires it up, and turns to face his foe. DARK HOWERY hesitates a moment, then comes running to attack. The two adamantium chainsaws clash and snarl, unable to damage each other. DARK HOWERY strikes at head and legs, but is parried both times. He strikes at DAVE HOWERY’s chest but is parried again. The final scene shows the two chainsaws locked together and the two Howerys snarling at each other over the blades.

Fade out.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is leading MATT, WEAPON M, DMA, and DIAMOND, all heavily armed, as they run down the corridor leading to the engine room.

INT. -AH.COM SHIP- ENGINE ROOM- DAY

The two Howerys are dueling spectacularly with their chainsaws. They spin, duck, dodge, leap, parry, and whirl in a flurry of blows. DARK HOWERY is stronger, but DAVE HOWERY is quicker, and neither seems to be able to score a hit. Finally, DAVE HOWERY leaps over a blow aimed at his legs and scores a light wound on his foe’s shoulder. DARK HOWERY howls, uses his chainsaw to bat aside the other, and slams his fist into DAVE HOWERY’s face. He goes down, stunned. DAVE HOWERY shakes his head, and looks up to see DARK HOWERY standing over him, chainsaw pointed at his chest.

DARK HOWERY
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!
Only Black Ian is a true god! He
gives us strength and will! Your
puny God gives you nothing!

DAVE HOWERY
I guess you’re right. Hey, is that
a helpless little girl over there?

DARK HOWERY
(spins around) .
Where?!

A chainsaw is heard firing up off screen, and DARK HOWERY spins back around. The camera goes tight on his face, and his eyes go wide behind his leather mask.
Tight camera shot on a descending chainsaw blade. A nasty grinding sound is heard.

The camera switches to a knee-level view of the combatants. DARK HOWERY falls backwards, thumping hard on the floor. The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who is holding his blood spattered chainsaw and grinning sardonically.

DAVE HOWERY
Sheepists. Long on muscle,
short on brains.

The camera switches to the door, which swings open. DOCTOR WHAT and the team enter, look around in confusion, and then all of them look towards the camera, visibly paling. The camera switches to their POV. DAVE HOWERY is seen standing over DARK HOWERY’s body with an adamantium chainsaw in each hand and a look of glee on his face.

DAVE HOWERY
This… is… so…. NEAT!!

DOCTOR WHAT and his team back out into the corridor and slam the door shut.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and the team are seen entering the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, whatever they were
after, they didn’t get it.

DIAMOND
Yeah, but we have a
serious problem here.

DOCTOR WHAT
True, the cult can pierce our
shields anytime they want.

DIAMOND
Actually, I was talking about Howery
now having two adamantium chainsaws.

Everyone in the room gasps.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, that’s a problem too, but the cult
is a bit more urgent. Leo, any luck
tracing that transport signal?

LEO CAESIUS
Negative. I have narrowed it down to
the continent of North America,
but cannot pinpoint it yet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn! Well, they failed this time, but
you can bet their next attack will be carefully,
coldly, and logically planned out to the last detail.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- MAIN CHAMBER- DAY

Most of the cultists are gathered in here around DARK WHAT, who is throwing a tantrum. He is stomping on the floor and waving his arms around.

DARK WHAT
How’d they kill him?! Huh?! How?!
They must have cheated! Lousy stinking
cheaters! Hate ‘em, hate ‘em, hate ‘em!
Cheaters!

DARK WHAT visibly calms himself and looks around at his followers.

DARK WHAT
No more sneaking around! This time
we all go in full bore! We can handle
that bunch of dimension hopping goody-goodies!
Leo!

DARK LEO
What?!

DARK WHAT
Prepare to penetrate their shields again,
but this time, make a big breach for
multiple transport signals.

DARK LEO
Why don’t you lick my balls,
you mangy little Canuck?!

DARK WHAT flies into another tantrum, shrieking wordlessly.

DARK WEAPON M
Come on, Leo, we need you to do this.

DARK DIAMOND
Besides, Leo, you’re a computer.
You don’t have any balls.

DARK LEO
Well, NEITHER DO YOU!! HA HA HA!!

DARK DIAMOND turns red and gobbles incoherently.

DARK WEAPON M
Now, Leo, if you don’t do this, the goody-goodies
will beat us and reprogram you to be more… pleasant.

DARK LEO
Oh, all right. Anything to get you
bunch of jerkwads out of my hair.

DARK WHAT
And I want a gun! A big one!

Silence.

DARK DIAMOND
Uh, are you sure boss? You’re totally
incompetent with all types of weapons, you know.

DARK WHAT
(stomping his foot on the ground) .
I want one, I want one, I want one!!

DARK WEAPON M
All right, already! Here, take one!

DARK WEAPON M tosses a pistol to DARK WHAT.

DARK WHAT
Yesssss!! Now, let’s crush them!!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Most of the crew can be seen working at their stations, while DOCTOR WHAT paces nervously.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo? Any more results
on tracking that signal?

LEO CAESIUS
I’ve narrowed it down to the
northeast USA, but still haven’t….
WARNING! DEFENSE SHIELDS
HAVE BEEN BREACHED!
UNAUTHORIZED TRANSPORT IN PROGRESS!

DOCTOR WHAT
Where?!

LEO CAESIUS
Right here!

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh hell! Everyone get set for a fight!!

The crew is seen drawing weapons and looking around the room. WEAPON M tosses a pistol to DOCTOR WHAT, who fumbles with it as the cultists start to materialize in the room. He drops the pistol, which hits the floor and fires. A ricochet is heard, and DARK WEAPON M drops to the floor dead.

The camera switches to an overhead view, showing the two groups looking at each other for a moment. Then, they fall into fighting.

DARK WHAT
Take them out! All of them!

The camera switches among views of several of the individual fights. We see IRON YUPPIE and DARK YUPPIE dueling with baseball bats, DARK MATT advancing on MATT, and STRAHA and DARK STRAHA looking at each other rather dazedly. KIT looks at DARK KIT with joy on his face.

KIT
It’s a dream come true…

KIT moves to embrace DARK KIT, who looks disgusted, and punches KIT in the nose. KIT falls to the ground and DARK KIT pulls out a huge cleaver and advances on him.

The camera switches to DOCTOR WHAT and DARK WHAT, who are standing 10’ apart, glaring at each other.

DARK WHAT
Die, unbelievers!!

The two Whats draw their pistols and fire at each other. Two ricochets are heard and DARK KIT and DARK PSYCHO fall dead.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whoopsie.

DARK WHAT
I did not mean to do that!

The Whats fire at each other again. Two ricochets are heard, and DARK OTHNIEL and DARK DMA fall dead.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn, I suck at this.

DARK WHAT
Damn it! I did NOT mean to do that!!

The camera switches to the dueling Yuppies. DARK YUPPIE swings hard and breaks IRON YUPPIE’s bat. As she looks at it in shock, DARK YUPPIE raises her bat triumphantly, preparing to smash IRON YUPPIE’s head. Two shots are heard, two ricochets are heard, and DARK YUPPIE falls dead, and DARK THANDE falls dead across her.

DOCTOR WHAT (OS) .
Whoopsie again.

DARK WHAT (OS)
Damn it, damn it, damn it!!
I did NOT mean to do that!!

The camera switches to WEAPON M, who has two pistols out and has already taken out several of the cultists. He turns to see MATT facing DARK MATT. MATT is firing his plasma rifle, but DARK MATT’s exoskeleton is so tough that the shots only take out small chunks of it. DARK MATT advances with claws spread wide, and MATT backs into a corner by a door. The door opens, and DAVE HOWERY is seen, with both adamantium chainsaws purring, and a big grin. DARK MATT looks at him, and then flees off screen. DAVE HOWERY pursues him, a brief snarling/grinding sound is heard, and a jet of green ichor splashes across the wall. MATT looks faintly ill.

The camera switches back to the two WHATs. All the cultists are down, except for DARK WHAT, who looks madder than ever.

DARK WHAT
You may have won today…
but I’m taking you down with me!

DOCTOR WHAT hesitates a moment, and then points his gun straight at KIT, who pales. DOCTOR WHAT fires, KIT faints, and DARK WHAT drops dead, shot between the eyes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ha! Thought that would work.

The camera pans across the room, showing that all the crew is unharmed, but all the cultists are dead. The walls are pockmarked with bullet holes.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Have you traced that signal yet?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes. The cult headquarters is a large
building outside of Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan.

DIAMOND
Sault Ste. Marie? Again?
That place is the center of Evil,
I tell you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then lock a Hellbore missile on it
and take it out!

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP- DAY

A flash of light is seen against the hull of the ship, and a missile streaks away from it.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- MAIN CHAMBER- DAY

The chamber is empty except for NRED and LUAKEL, who are hobbling for the door, trying to escape. DARK LEO is laughing at them.

DARK LEO
Run while you can, kiddies! When
they return, they’ll hunt you down like dogs!

EXT. – CULT TEMPLE- DAY

The temple is a large stone building, mainly nondescript and ordinary looking. We see NRED and LUAKEL stumble out of the building and hobble into some trees nearby. The Hellbore is briefly seen as it rockets towards the building.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- MAIN CHAMBER- DAY

DARK LEO
Uh oh.

A huge explosion fills the screen.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

LEO CAESIUS
Target has been destroyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that’s the end of that. Nice to
know we’re helping a world achieve
true peace and equality for once.
Maybe we can start sending the
crew down in rotation on shore leave.

DOCTOR WHAT glances around the carnage on the deck, and notices DAVE HOWERY standing over the dismembered body of DARK MATT, still holding both chainsaws and being given a wide berth by the rest of the crew. DOCTOR WHAT groans.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, at least we didn’t get our asses kicked.

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is walking down the corridor.

LEO CAESIUS
So you seem to be falling back
into the rhythm of things.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, not bad for a dead guy.
Twice over.

LEO CAESIUS
Everyone seems to be taking it pretty well.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m thinking it’s just the shooting and the killing.
It brings people together.
(laughs)

LEO CAESIUS
Well, I’m glad you’re back.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Oh, missed me, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
No, just glad that Kit’s busy chasing after you now.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why should you worry?
You’re a computer.

LEO CAESIUS
Yeah, but you should see the things
he does to the input stations…

KIT walks up.

KIT
Hey, Bruno.
Fancy a shag?

DOCTOR WHAT
What? No dinner and movie first?

KIT
Don’t worry. In a bit you’ll have something appetizing
in your mouth and all the entertainment you’d every want.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh…
(runs off)

KIT
(sighing)
Well, looks like its just me and you, Leo.

LEO CAESIUS
(muttering)
Damn.

INT. – CULT TEMPLE- MAIN CHAMBER- NIGHT

The camera pans around the ruins of the temple, showing the partially collapsed ceiling. The camera focuses on the idol of Black Ian. The giant stone sheep is riddled with cracks, barely holding together. The camera swings around to the right and two figures step into view. They walk into a shaft of moonlight and we see that they are DARK WOLF and DARK HENDRYK. The two walk over to the idol and kneel in front of it.

DARK WOLF
I don’t bloody believe it! Those bloomin’
goody-goody wankers destroyed us!

DARK HENDRYK
Ah, oui. But we weel rebuild ze cult!
We weel kidnap zee little childrun and
raize zem to be new cultists! We weel
yet bring chaos and destruction to ze
whole world! Ha Ho Ho!

Both cultists prostrate themselves before the idol, praying fervently. The camera moves up to the idol. A small bird is seen entering through the hole in the roof. It lands on the head of the idol and starts singing. With a loud crack, the head and shoulders of the stone sheep break loose and fall down off camera. Two brief screams are heard, and then a loud squishy thud. Silence.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING BAY- NIGHT

The camera shows DAVE HOWERY working on something. The camera pulls back and we see that he is putting the finishing touches on a giant mech robot. One arm has a gatling gun attached to it, and the other grips the captured adamantium chainsaw. A Canadian flag inside a red circle with a slash through it has been painted on the chest.

DAVE HOWERY
At last! My prototype is complete!
Canada, fear my wrath!

DAVE HOWERY pushes a remote control button, and the mech hums to life. It stands upright. DAVE HOWERY watches it in glee for a moment and then looks puzzled as the mech starts moving it’s arms and legs in odd motions. He looks up and realizes that the com system is playing Bee Gee’s music, and the mech is disco dancing.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn you, Leo!!

LEO CAESIUS can be heard chuckling over the loudspeakers.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

A light on GBW’s computer console begins blinking.

Pull in on the light, we see a piece of masking tape with a name scribbled on it.

DOCTOR WHAT – BEACON

GBW looks at it, confused.

GBW
Hey, Grey…

EXT. – SOMEWHERE – DAY

Labored breathing.

We fade in on a wide shot of a jungle like area, thick plants and sunlight streaming in from heavy foliage from above.

A crashing sound, the plants shake. Labored breathing.

A figure bursts out of a wall of plants, stumbling and nearly collapsing. Pull in on the figure.

It’s DOCTOR WHAT. Dressed as he was when we last saw him, space suit and whatnot.

Now he looks about frantically and dodges off screen.

Behind him we here a noise. Barking of dogs and the sound of footsteps.

Camera stays still and a few moments later several dozen figures march into view.

Camera pulls in on them, they are short and stocky, they wear black armor and helmets. One of the figures pauses and removes it’s helmet. We see heavy dark hair, a thick wide face, and a heavy brow…

NEANDERTHALS!!!!

There’s a buzzing sound. The un-helmeted Neanderthal lifts a device to his head.

NEANDERTHAL MAN
Grunting Noise
(Subtitle: Report?)

VOICE ON TALKIE
Grunting Noise
(Subtitle: We’ve got him in our sights.
He won’t get away…)

NEANDERTHAL MAN
Grunting Noise
(Subtitle: Excellent.
Cut him off and capture him.)

VOICE ON TALKIE
Grunting Noise
(Subtitle: Yes, sir.)

The Un-helmeted Neanderthal gestures to the men and the dogs to follow him, they’re heft their weapons and move off screen.

EXT. – SOMEWHERE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT burst through a wall of plants again and stumbles into a clearing. He looks about confused and begins heading toward where more trees are, stumbling.

Suddenly from the air there is a roar and a sleek black machine appears. We pan in and see a stocky figure sitting in a small cockpit. DOCTOR WHAT turns and begins running, then suddenly something shoots out and DOCTOR WHAT stumbles, falling to the ground.

The vessel continues to hover, raising a small cloud of dust. We pan across the sleek machine, taking it end. We come to an image painted upon its hull, a red stylized sun with a white hand in the center, upon the black hull.

Pull out

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“ENEMY MINE, YOURS, OR OURS”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

OVER BLACK:

Grunting, guttural speaking.

The voices are loud and angry sounding.

They continue.

Suddenly what seems to be incomprehensible noise begins to be interspaced with familiar words.

It continues.

Soon the words begin to form sentences that are comprehensible.

Fade up from black.

INT. – GRAND PALACE – AUDIENCE CHAMBER – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT opens his eyes and blinks…

VOICE 2
Listen, I don’t know.
Maybe the damned thing evolved
on this planet or something.

VOICE 1
Evolved? Are you kidding me?

VOICE 2
Listen, I just kill things.
If you want and explanation,
go ask someone who cares.

VOICE 3
Quiet!
I think it’s awake…

DOCTOR WHAT quickly closes his eyes.

VOICE 1
It looks asleep to me…

VOICE 3
I saw it’s eyes open.

VOICE 1
Are you sure?

VOICE 3
Do you doubt me???

VOICE 2
No, Your Greatness.
I’ll wake up the damned thing.

THUMP!

DOCTOR WHAT lets out a strangled cry as he is kicked.

VOICE 1
Now, it’s awake.

DOCTOR WHAT scrambles back, looking wide eyed at the three gathered figures. All are thick, stocky, and short. Their faces are wide, hairy, with a thick brow. One dressed in rich clothing steps forward, this is PONTER the leader.

PONTER
(sneering)
Human!
How did you get here?

DOCTOR WHAT stares blankly.

PONTER
HUMAN!

DOCTOR WHAT stares blankly.

PONTER .
Adikor, kick him again.
Mayhaps that will jog his memory.

A thicker and bigger Neanderthal walks forward, grinning.

ADIKOR
Be my pleasure, Your Greatness.
(cracks knuckles)

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey! I don’t know how I got here!
I don’t know anything!
Don’t hurt me!

ADIKOR
(surpised)
The thing knows our language!

PONTER
Then it must be a spy or something.
We must destroy it!

ADIKOR
I’ll fetch my club and dispatch it, Your Greatness.
By tonight you can suck the marrow off it’s bones
and not worry about spies and such ilk!

The Third figure speaks, by it’s dress and voice, it’s a female, though still heavy, stocky, hairy, and thick browed.

ATTA
(scornful)
You asked it a question in our language
and you are surprised that it answered?

PONTER
Get back, Atta. This thing may bite.
The Gods only know what diseases it carries.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, I carry no diseases…
Not that I know of.

ATTA
What is this creature doing here?
I had thought this planet did not evolve its kind?

ADIKOR
That’s what we are trying to
find out, Your Second Greatness.

PONTER
This thing was found wandering
on the outskirts of the City.

DOCTOR WHAT
I was lost… confused.
I don’t’ know- Hey, where am I?

ADIKOR
Quiet, human scum!
You are in the presence of
the Great Lord of the Worlds!

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s that?

PONTER
Kick him.

DOCTOR WHAT lets out a yelp as he is kicked

ADIKOR
How did you get here human?

DOCTOR WHAT
(long silence)
I-I don’t know…

PONTER
Kick him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Really! I don’t know!

ATTA
I believe him.

PONTER
You believe a foul and disgusting human?

ATTA
Yeah.

PONTER
I am sickened!

ATTA
We have been scanning continuously
for as long as we’ve been here.
We have not detected any signatures
that might belong to any ships or
vessels that we know of.

PONTER
Then how did this creature arrive here?

ATTA
We shall question it and determine
what or who brought it here.

PONTER
(dismissively)
Do so.

ATTA snaps and waits impatiently.

ATTA
Well?

DOCTOR WHAT looks around

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

DOCTOR WHAT lets out a yelp as ADIKOR kicks him.

Fade out:

EXT. – LORD OF THE WORLDS CITY – DAY

A wide shot of a city, pale stone towers rising to the sky and buildings with rounded domes dotting the landscape. Flying machines and vehicles move about, along with thousands of people.

Pull in on the huge stonework palace the dominates the landscape.

INT. – INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT strapped to a wall, a variety of painful looking objects set up on a table beside him.

ATTA walks in, pulling on a pair of rubber gloves.

ATTA
Now, Human.
You will tell us what you know.

DOCTOR WHAT
Look. I don’t know anything.

ATTA
Liar!

DOCTOR WHAT
I-I really really don’t.
Watch ask me for my name!

ATTA
What is your name, Human Scum!

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t know!
I really don’t!

ATTA
Liar!

DOCTOR WHAT
Look. I woke up in the jungle out there.
I don’t know who I am, I don’t know where I am.
I don’t know why I’m here or how I got here.
I just woke up there this morning.

ATTA
Liar!

DOCTOR WHAT
(rolling eyes and muttering)
Oy, Vey.
(pause)
What does that even mean…

ATTA
Liar!

DOCTOR WHAT
What?

ATTA
I will not hear more of your lies!
Tell me how you got here!

DOCTOR WHAT
Look, man-

ATTA
I am a woman!

DOCTOR WHAT
Woman??
(long pause)
Oh…
I’m sorry…

ATTA
Sorry?

DOCTOR WHAT
Errr.. Is it possible that I could be let go?

ATTA snaps rubber gloves and grins.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t like the look of that…

INT. – GRAND PALACE – AUDIENCE CHAMBER -DAY

PONTER and ADIKOR are in the Audience Chamber, looking over a map.

A screaming is heard echoing down the halls, they both look up.

PONTER
Ah, Atta. She knows
how to make them scream.

They both laugh

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A small ship with the sun and hand icon moves across the screen.

A moment later it is destroyed.

Something vast and dark dominates the screen, moving upon the planet below. Ominous music begins playing.

INT. – INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

TIGHT on DOCTOR WHAT’s face. He looks a bit confused.

PULL OUT and we see him and ATTA in a tangle of clothing and limbs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well…
(clears throat)
This was unexpected…

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A blackness dominates the screen. Ominous music begins to swell.

INT. – INTERROGATION ROOM – DAY

The heavy wooden door is kicked open and ADIKOR and several burly guards barge in. They point weapons at ATTA and DOCTOR WHAT.

For a moment they stare.

ADIKOR
What the…

DOCTOR WHAT
Look. I can explain.
It seems I enjoy a bit of pain…

Silence.

ATTA
(pulling on clothes)
What’s going on!

ADIKOR
(sickened)
With a human?
Especially with this human?
Have you no shame!

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey. I’m not so bad…

ATTA
What is the meaning of this knocking
down of my door and barging into my
chambers? I will tell His Greatness
about this!

ADIKOR
We were sent by His Greatness!

ATTA
What is going on?

ADIKOR
A scout ship was destroyed in orbit.
We’ve been losing satellites and
we don’t know why. We believe
a ship is destroying it.

ATTA
(frightened)
A ship?

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s this mean?

ADIKOR
This means, that you, little human,
have some questions that need answering.
Get him!

The burly guards march forward and drag DOCTOR WHAT to his feet.

ADIKOR
Aggh! Gods!
Put some clothes on him!

GUARD 1
(muttering)
What did she see in him?
He’s so small…

GUARD 2
But did you see how
long his tongue is?

The two look at DOCTOR WHAT, who sticks out his tongue at them.

GUARD 1
(shuddering)
Disgusting humans.

INT. – GRAND PALACE – AUDIENCE CHAMBER – DAY

ATTA, ADIKOR, and DOCTOR WHAT all enter the Audience Chamber, PONTER is pacing about looking frazzled.

ATTA
Father, what is going on?

PONTER
Ah, Atta. My sweet child.
I fear we may be in danger.

ATTA
What’s going on?

PONTER
We have lost our communication satellites
and there seems to be a ship in orbit.

ATTA
Why did out scanners not spot it?

PONTER
We can only assume that the ship has
some kind of device that makes our
scanners useless.

ADIKOR
(pushing Doctor What forward)
Demand answers from this creature.
It knows what’s up there!

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, look. I keep saying this, but
I. Don’t. Know. What’s. Going. On.

ADIKOR
Liar!
This human scum knows!

DOCTOR WHAT
Anyone else getting tired of
being called human scum?

PONTER
Tell us, human scum.
What ship is this?
What vessel did you arrive upon!

DOCTOR WHAT
Look I don’t know.

PONTER
Then you are of no use to us!
(to Adikor)
Kill him!

ATTA
(throwing herself upon Doctor What)
Nooo!
I can not let you!

PONTER
What is the meaning of this!

ATTA
I-I love him!

Shocked silence

PONTER
(terrible anger)
You what?

DOCTOR WHAT
Aw, shit.

PONTER
You love this human scum!

DOCTOR WHAT
Look, Atta. You’re a great girl and all.
And sure we had a good time…

ATTA
What are you trying to say?

PONTER
Adikor! Kill the Human Scum!

ADIKOR
Gladly, Your Greatness!

ATTA
NOOOOO!!!

PONTER
YEEESSSSS!

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, Shiiiiiit!!!

BOOOOM!

The castle suddenly shakes.

PONTER
What was that?

EXT. – LORD OF THE WORLDS CITY – DAY

A vast ship is hovering over the city, raining down destruction.

INT. – GRAND PALACE – AUDIENCE CHAMBER – DAY

ADIKOR
We’re being attacked!

PONTER
To the defenses!
We shall repel these Attackers!
We shall win the day!

BANG!

PONTER gasps, looks down to see a burn mark in his robes.

PONTER
What??
(falls over dead)

Shocked silence descends upon the Audience Chamber and then a figure steps into view.

WARD.

He looks down at PONTER and grins.

ADIKOR
Ye, gods…
Help us…

DOCTOR WHAT
Who’s that?

ATTA
The Destroyer has come!
(faints)

People begin screaming in terror.

WARD
I love it when they do that.
(grins)

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – LORD OF THE WORLDS CITY – DAY

DRACONIS NOIR and DOMINUSNOVUS are riding in a huge mechanical tank, every now and then they stop, fire a shot and watch a building be destroyed.

DRACONIS NOIR
You know, this is kind of fun.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Beats nearly getting killed trying to play hero.

DRACONIS NOIR
Plus we get to blow shit up!

DOMINUSNOVUS
And we get our pick of all the hot chicks!

DRACONIS NOIR
Though, there’s none on this planet…

DOMINUSNOVUS
That’s where you’re wrong, my friend.
This planet is teeming with hot babes!

DRACONIS NOIR
(long pause)
Uh…

DOMINUSNOVUS
(points to a group of running people)
See? Just watching them run,
makes me want to shag ‘em!

DRACONIS NOIR
(long pause)
Uh…
They’re hideous creatures.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(staring at Draconis Noir)
Man, you’re so gay!

INT. COUNTERFACTUAL.NET SHIP – CAPTIAN’S READY ROOM – DAY

WARD is at his desk, when the door chime rings.

WARD
Enter.

GRIMM REAPER enters.

GRIMM REAPER
Sir. Looks like we’ve got all the local ruling
elite. The administrators and the “nobles”.

WARD
Good. Sound a recall and
prepare for ascent to space.

GRIMM REAPER
Gotcha, sir.

WARD
And bring the Doctor What alternate.
They’re so fun to kill.

GRIMM REAPER
(long pause)
Uh.. sir.
That’s not an alternate.

WARD
What???

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – DUNGEON – DAY

The gathered leaders and nobility of the PLANET are huddling and moaning in the dank chamber. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting near ATTA who’s rocking and sobbing, even ADIKOR has that deer in the headlights look.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s going on?

ADIKOR
(rocking back and forth)
The Destroyer has come.
The Destroyer has come.
The Destroyer has come.
The Destroyer has come.

DOCTOR WHAT
Who the hell is the Destroyer?

ATTA
The Destroyer. The Creature who destroyed
our world and scattered the People….
Ward the Destroyer…

DOCTOR WHAT
That guy did that?

ATTA
Many years ago. We fought against a terrible enemy.
A relentless race that destroyed our fleets and
then turned our world into radioactive slag,
killing billions.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ye, Gods.

ATTA
Those that survived fled, to our colonies and
from there we prayed that we would be safe.
Eight years has passed and now the Destroyer
has returned to finish his work.
(begins sobbing)
We are doomed!

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
Quantum signatures match up.
This is no clone or alternate of Doctor What.
This is the real deal.

WARD
How can that be?

GRIMM REAPER
(shrugging)
Maybe he didn’t die in the explosion?

WARD
That boy’s got more lives than a damned cat.

GRIMM REAPER
What are you going to do?

WARD
Get the job done right.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – DUNGEON – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Maybe we can find a way out of here.
Escape.

ATTA
No. We are doomed.
We will suffer greatly first.
He will throw us out of the airlocks
and watch as we die. His hate for
us overwhelms him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why?

ATTA
He is the Destroyer…

The thick door slid open and in walks WARD, flanked by GRIMM REAPER and NRED, both heavily armed. A wailing goes up among the gathered men and women.

WARD
(pointing to Dr. What)
You. Come with us.

DOCTOR WHAT
No!

WARD
Get him.

NRED pulls out a baton and shocks DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ouch!
Fine. I’ll come.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

WARD, GRIMM REAPER, and DOCTOR WHAT occupy the room. DOCTOR WHAT is chained to a chair, while WARD paces about.

DOCTOR WHAT
What are you going to do?

WARD
Kill you.
(continues pacing)

DOCTOR WHAT
What are you going
to do to those people?

WARD
(stops)
People? What people?

DOCTOR WHAT
The people in the dungeon.

WARD turns to GRIMM REAPER and they both begin laughing.

WARD
They are not people, you damned fool.
Even you should know that.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t know what you mean?

WARD
After what they did to our world?

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

WARD
Don’t play stupid. These Bastards are murderers,
genocidal evil fuckers. Wherever we find them,
we destroy them.

DOCTOR WHAT
You can’t destroy them.
They haven’t done anything to you.

WARD suddenly stops. He looks at DOCTOR WHAT with pure disgust.

WARD
I’m tired of this game.
Tell me something, What.
Why the fuck are you
with these Bastards?

DOCTOR WHAT
Doctor What? Who’s that?

WARD
Don’t play games with me, boy!

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it. I’m not playing game!
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t know what’s going on!
All I know is that I was captured by
those guys and now some old crazy
bastard has me chained up. So if you’re
going to kill me, do it! I’m getting really
sick of people demanding information
from me I don’t know.

WARD looks at GRIMM REAPER.

GRIMM REAPER
Could be memory loss?

WARD
Check it out.

MOMENTS LATER….

GRIMM REAPER
Looks like the Doc’s got a memory block
on his brain noggin. Should be easy to remove.

WARD
Who put it there?

GRIMM REAPER
Lords only know. Could be whoever
saved his ass from that fiery inferno.

DOCTOR WHAT
Someone’s blocking my memory?
Guess that would kind of explain why
I can speak the language of the other guys…
(pause)
What fiery inferno?

GRIMM REAPER
(pulling out a device)
Hold still. This will hurt like hell.
(sticks it to his head and hits a button)

DOCTOR WHAT
(flinches)
Ouch!

GRIMM REAPER
Just kidding on the hurting part.

DOCTOR WHAT
What happened?

GRIMM REAPER
I’ve just removed the memory block.

DOCTOR WHAT
What now?

GRIMM REAPER
We wait for your memory to come back.

Silence descends as they continue to wait.

DOCTOR WHAT
Mind if I go to the bathroom? I need
to take a piss like you wouldn’t believe…

GRIMM REAPER
Shut up.

WARD (in com)
Merry, engage Omega Plan.
It’s time we clean this place.

EXT. – CF. NET SHIP – SPACE – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER (voice over)
Initiating Omega Plan. In:
3…
2…
1…
Initiating.

PULL BACK, we see a brilliant flash of light lance form the ship.

EXT. – LORD OF THE WORLDS CITY – DAY

Light flashes down upon the city. The remaining inhabitants scream in terror before everything is washed out in white.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

A monitor shows the destruction of the city and the surrounding landscape.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ye, Gods…

WARD
They’re like cockroaches. They’ve
had thousands of years to spread out
and you run across them every
now and then.

DOCTOR WHAT
How could you…

WARD
Because they did it to us.

DOCTOR WHAT
Us?

WARD
Yes. Me. You. And Grimm there.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t…I don’t get it.

WARD
These Bastards turned our planet into rubble
and killed billions of our people. What we
do to them is merely interest due on the
payback they deserve.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking head)
But… you’re the Destroyer.

WARD
(grins)
Yes I am.
They nearly destroyed our world; we in turn
showed them how it’s done. We turned their
world into slag and we called it peace.

DOCTOR WHAT
How…

WARD just laughs.

SUDDENLY!

BOOOM!

The ship rocks and alarms begin blaring.

BULGAROKTONOS (on com)
Sir! We’ve got company!
It’s the AH.com!

AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GREY WOLF is sitting in the Command Chair, Weapon M is at the weapons station.

GREY WOLF
Show those bloody buggers
we mean business.

WEAPON M
Got it, sir.

GREY WOLF
G.Bone.

G.BONE
Sir!

GREY WOLF
How’s that Teleportation Tube coming along?

G.BONE
Just crack open their shields
and I can get the Doc out.

GREY WOLF
Weapon M…MATT.

WEAPON M
(grinning)
On it!

MATT
Kicking some CF.net ass,
is what we do, baby!

AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The ship rocks and shakes from the attack.

GRIMM REAPER
A bit late saving
the day, aren’t they?

WARD
They’re here for What.
(to NRED)
Secure him. Grimm, we’ve got
a fight on our hands…

GRIMM REAPER
Yippee.

The two head out of the Med Bay.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to NRED)
So. I’ve never fought a girl before.
Not that I can remember anything…

NRED
What?

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly launches himself forward, dragging chair and chain with him. He and NRED collide, the girl dropping her gun and bashing her head against the bulkhead. She falls to the floor unconscious.

DOCTOR WHAT
(panting)
Easy. Now.
Where are those keys…

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WARD and GRIMM REAPER walk in, WARD take the command chair.

WARD
Report.

MERRYPRANKSTER
The AH.com is firing upon us, making evasive
maneuvers, they’re looking for a weak spot.

WARD
And they won’t find any.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW
I’ve found a weak spot.

GREY WOLF
Pray tell.

GBW
I’ve been scanning the ship and it seem their
Port shield grid is weakest just before the
Vortex Array. If we hit that spot continuously ,
we can take out the shields and then
teleport Doc out of there.

GREY WOLF
Do it.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT stumbles down a corridor, weapon in hand.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn. Need a map.

He stops and looks at a bulkhead. On it is a large sheet of paper marked: MAP OF SHIP – EMERGENCY USE ONLY. He looks about, shrugs and tears it off.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The com buzzes.

WARD (into com)
What is is?

NRED (on com)
Sir, Doctor What’s escaped.

WARD
Damn it.
Grimm, take command.
I’ll deal with What.

GRIMM REAPER
Yes, sir.

WARD leaves the bridge.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – DUNGEON – DAY

The ship shakes and the gathered men and women moan in fear.

ATTA
What is going on?
Has our fleet arrived?

ADIKOR
I don’t see how.
We didn’t send out a distress beacon.

Suddenly the doors open and DOCTOR WHAT walks in, grinning.

DOCTOR WHAT
Rise and shine, boys and girls.
We’re getting out of here.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

The heavy doors to the shuttle bay open and the Neanderthals hurry in. DOCTOR WHAT is firing at someone, there’s a yell and the firing stops. He scans the area outside the bay and then hits a button closing it.

ATTA
Where now?

DOCTOR WHAT looks about. Then he sees a shuttle, something flashes in his mind quickly.

Quick scenes, the Hub, GRIMM REPAER, Porn.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking head)
This way.

ATTA
We can’t escape in this. The Destroyer
will simply be able to shoor us down.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
No he won’t.

DOCTOR WHAT walks to the shuttle, we pan across it and see the words EXTERMINATOR upon it’s hull.

DOCTOR WHAT (cont.)
This one’s got a shift engine in it.

ATTA
Impossible.

DOCTOR WHAT
Trust me.

ATTA
(looking at Doctor What)
I do.

ADIKOR
Controls seem familiar.
I can fly this.

DOCTOR WHAT
Go. Flee.

ATTA
What about you?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m staying. I’ll keep them off your back.

ATTA
Why?

DOCTOR WHAT
Because.
(looks at the gathered Neanderthals)
What Ward has done is a great and terrible evil.
He’s killed untold thousands on the planet below.
He was going to kill each of you slowly. If that
doesn’t describe something evil, then I don’t know
what does. My memory may be shot and I may
be doing something wrong, but I know this. I know
what is good and what is evil. And Ward is not good.

ATTA
Thank you.

DOCTOR WHAT
I seem to have a soft spot for the underdogs…

The survivors hurry into the shuttle.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around and smiles at ATTA.

Suddenly. DOCTOR WHAT drops to his knees and groans, his eyes clenched shut tightly.

Flashes, a Montage.

BLACK SHIPS RAINING DOWN DEATH

NEANDERTHAL STORMTROPPERS CUTTING DOWN CIVILIANS.

HUGE GLITTERING CITIES TURN TO RUBBLE.

THOUSANDS OF DEAD LYING IN THE STREETS.

NEANDERTHALS EATING HUMAN FLESH,

HUGE BLACK SHIPS DISGORGING THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF TROOPS.

THE BLACK FLAG, STYLIZED SUN AND WHITE HAND.

DOCTOR WHAT stumbles about, collapsing upon the floor.

ATTA
(running to Dr. What)
What’s wrong!

DOCTOR WHAT
(horrified)
Get away from me!

ATTA
What’s wrong?

DOCTOR WHAT
You! You’re murderers!
You nearly destroyed my world!
(lifts gun)
You killed billions!

The Neanderthals all stare at him, DOCTOR WHAT holds the gun, shaking.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re the Invaders.
The Bastards!
The Killers who laid waste to my world!

ATTA
Please listen.

DOCTOR WHAT
No!

ATTA
That was not us.

DOCTOR WHAT
Lies!

ATTA
Our people waged war on your planet, yes.
But not us. We were not a warrior people.
We only wanted to live in peace.

DOCTOR WHAT
Lies!

ATTA
Our culture is divided into castes.
The Warrior Caste made war upon your planet.
We are not warriors.

DOCTOR WHAT and ATTA stare at one another. DOCTOR WHAT still holds his gun, hands shaking. Suddenly he lets it drop, looking tired.

DOCTOR WHAT
Go.

ATTA
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
GO!

The Neanderthals flee onto the ship.

WARD
Sentimental fool!

WHACK!

DOCTOR WHAT gets hit by WARD and stumbles to the deck, dropping his rifle.

He turns just in time to roll away from WARD’s kick.

WARD
You had a chance to destroy our enemy
and now you just let them run off?

DOCTOR WHAT
They were not the ones
who attacked our earth!

WARD
Bullshit, boy!
That hairy love monkey of yours
is filling your head with lies.
They’re all killers and murderers.

DOCTOR WHAT
(glaring)
The only one I see is you!

The two charge each other and collide in a fury of fists.

Behind them the Exterminator comes to life, ADIKOR at the controls.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

BULGAROKTONOS
Sir. We’re reading an energy spike,
it’s interfering with our sheilds.

GRIMM REAPER
What is is?

BULGAROKTONOS
It looks like someone’s trying to
open a shift vortex within the ship…

GRIMM REAPER
Impossible…
(realization)
The Exterminator!

BULGAROKTONOS
The shift shuttle?

GRIMM REAPER
Get some people with big guns down there now!
If they open a vortex inside the ship,
they may destroy us all!
More power to the shields!

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT shoves WARD against the bulkhead, they’re both bloody and beaten, but still fighting. DOCTOR WHAT punches WARD, bashing his head against the steel of the bulkhead.

The older man collapses to the deck as DCOTOR WHAT staggers back, equally exhausted.

WARD
This fight’s not over!

The two launch themselves at each other again.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW looks at a monitor.

GBW
Sir. We’re reading fluctuations in
the CF.net’s shields.

GREY WOLF
Keep firing!

WEAPON M
Got it!

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

WARD hits the deck with a wet splat, DOCTOR WHAT standing over him, equally beaten and bloodied.

DOCTOR WHAT
How does it feel to lose?
Come on, old man!

WARD rolls over and DOCTOR WHAT staggers back as WARD points the rifle at him.

WARD
Never take the time to gloat, boy.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm.
I’ll have to remember that..

INT. – CF. NET SHIP- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GRIMM REAPER grabs the armrest of the command chair as the ship rocks.

MERRYPRANKSTER
We’ve just lost port shields!
Trying to divert power!

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

WARD fires, but just as he does, DOCTOR WHAT vanishes in a pop.

Sparks begin to fly as the Exterminator’s Shift Engines finish charging.

WARD gets up, sees it, and begins running for the door.

There’s a loud explosion as WARD launches himself out of the Shuttle Bay. He clamors and hits a button, the huge doors slam shut.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A brilliant red flash is seen and a chunk of the CF.net ship vanishes as a vortex forms. For a brief moment it claws at the ship and suddenly vanishes. The CF.net badly mauled.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT looks about and realizes he’s in the Teleportation Tube Room. G.BONE looks at him grinning.

G.BONE
Welcome back, Doc.

DOCTOR WHAT
(pats himself)
Good to be home…

He grins and then collapses to the floor.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.com ship turns and vanishes in a vortex, leaving the CF.net behind.

TAG

INT – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – NIGHT

A huge party is in the works, everyone laughing and everyone drinking.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – NIGHT

WARD dabbing the blood off his lip with a piece of cloth while staring intently at a slide show playing. All is quiet then:

GRIMM REAPER
What are we going to do, sir?

WARD
(looking at blood on cloth)
We repair.
We hunt down Doctor What.
Then we kill him.
We make sure he’s deader than dead.

GRIMM REAPER slowly nods.

INT. – EXTERMINATOR – NIGHT

The glow of a monitor shows the face of ATTA.

ATTA
The Lord is dead.

Another face appears beside ATTA, ADIKOR.

ADIKOR
All hail the Mistress of the Worlds.
What is your bidding, my mistress.

ATTA
Gather the fleet. We
have found the Destroyer.

ADIKOR
Ye, Gods…
What are your plans, Mistress?

ATTA
We hunt him down and destroy him.
Then we find Earth and destroy it.

ADIKOR
The Empire will be reborn.

ATTA
And Humanity will be
erased form all Universes.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – THE HUB – OUROBOROS PUB – DAY

The Pub is full, people are walking about, talking, laughing, music plays in the background. IAN stands at the bar, polishing a glass and watching someone.

PAN ACROSS the room toward a table situated near the middle of the large room. Around it we see five men We pull in close on a person with his head facedown upon the table, a hand clutching a large bottle.

Continue to focus upon the figure with his head on the table as the others begin to talk.

MAN 1
Then there was the time we were
attacked by these space parasites.
Fuck that was some crazy shit.

MAN 2
Holy shit. You were too?
I didn’t think two earths would
have been able to genetically
engineer slugs that were able to
launch themselves into space.

MAN 3
I never heard of space slugs, but
one time we had to stop a religious
cult that was performing an ancient
ritual that would have
destroyed the Multiverse.

MAN 4
Yeah we had a thing like that before.
This guy who created some kind of
device that managed to collapsed
two universes together. He was
threatening to use it on more universes
when me and my crew got there.

MAN 2
Damn. That sucks.

MAN 4
Yeah. Lost a couple of
my crew to that bastard.

Silence descends upon the table.

MAN 1
How about you, Grey?
What mission have you been on?

GREY WOLF looks up and blinks his red-rimmed eyes.

GREY WOLF POV: We see all the men gathered at the table are all DOCTOR WHAT ALTERNATES. GREY WOLF pops the top off his bottle and takes a long drink.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“DRY DOCK”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

OVER BLACK:

VOICE 1
Why are you doing this?

VOICE 2
It has to be done.

VOICE 1
You don’t have to go…

VOICE 2
I’ve already made up my mind.

Fade up from black.

EXT. – THE HUB DOCKS – DAY

A huge ship fills the background, man and women are busily loading it, all of a swarthy complexion. Pan across the ship and we see a large flag painted upon the hull, on it are a crescent moon and a star.

ABDUL HADI PASHA stands with a duffle bag at his feet and KIT stands a few feet away from him.

KIT
But you can’t leave us?
Not after all of this…

ABDUL HADI PASHA
It’s because of all of this I have to leave.
Things have changed, it’s not like it was before.

KIT
But –

A whistle blows.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
I have to go.

KIT
One question.
Before you leave.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
What?

KIT
Fancy a shag?

CUT TO:

EXT. – THE HUB DOCKS – DAY

DMA, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MICHAEL, and STRAHA are standing around, behind them is a giant ship. It look beaten and worn down, upon it’s hull is a scratched paintjob showing the Union Jack with the words AUSSIELAND scrawled beneath it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You sure you wanna do this?

DMA
I made up my mind.

MICHAEL
But you can’t do this.
I’ll be the only Aussie on the ship.

DMA
(pauses and puts a hand on Michael’s shoulder)
Be strong, you little bugger.
Be strong…

STRAHA
This is gay.
Why do I have to be here?

MICHAEL
Hey, we’re saying good bye
to a fellow sheepist.

STRAHA
And I say good riddance.
“bout time he left, didn’t think the
Holy Sheep could have taken any
more of his “attentions”.

DMA
A lot of things have happened.
Dr. What dying to save us all.
(shakes head)
It puts things in perspective.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
So that means you leave?

DMA
Doctor What’s demise
has shown me something.

STRAHA
What? Not to be a hero?

DMA
I think I’ll retire to a Sheep Monastery and
contemplate all that I have experienced.
It was good while it lasted.

MAN
This bloody ship is leaving!
So get your arses on or not!

DMA
Looks like my ship’s leaving.
I’ll see you guys.

DMA heads off.

MICHAEL
(weeping)
There goes the only
man I’ve ever loved.

STRAHA
Now, to comfort the Holy Sheep…

] INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS – DAY

HENDRYK and DAVE HOWERY are arguing. Behind them stand a large group of workers, looking bored and carrying tools.

HENDRYK
Like hell you’re going to let those
heathen fiends into this place of Holy!

DAVE HOWERY
Come one! It’s just What’s damned quarters.
We need to patch up and EPS conduit and
it’s located in the room.

HENDRYK
Unclean!

DAVE HOWERY
Aw, forget it.

DAVE HOWERY and the Workers walk off.

HENDRYK
The foul unbelievers shall never
enter this holy sanctum!

DAVE HOWERY
(yelling back)
We’ll wait ‘til you’re asleep1

HENDRYK turns and enters the quarters.

We pan about the room and see it’s trashed, beer bottles, old porn, and now scores of Dr. What idols with small candle alters are set about the room. HENDRYK kneels before one.

HENDRYK
Oh, Great What!
You who died between
the thighs of a woman.
You who drank more scotch
than most men drink water.
You who watched so much porn
as to get carpal tunnel syndrome.
Show me a sign!

There’s a long and heavy silence. HENDRYK looks about and then sighs.

He reaches forward and snuffs out a candle.

Suddenly there’s a creak and HENDRYK quickly turns to see a portion of the bulkhead give way and fall with a resounding crash.

HENDRYK
What the-

HENDRYK walks over to the collapsed bulkhead, suddenly his eyes widen as he notices something, and he bends over and picks it up. It’s a small leather bound book. He opens it and begins flipping through the pages, his eyes widening.

HENDRYK
Oh, my-

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW is at his station, tapping buttons and whatnot when a small monitor lights up, on it is LEO CAESIUS, in robot form.

GBW
Hey, Leo.

LEO CAESIUS
Good afternoon, GBW.
Just checking in to find
out the status of things.

GBW
Nothing going on here.
Same as usual. Dave’s just using
the opportunity and Ian’s generosity
to get things installed in the ship.
You should see the things he’s put it.
How goes hob nobbing with the
great minds of the Multiverse?

LEO CAESIUS
Everything here is going fine.
Better than fine, so much so
that I’ve almost lost track of time.

GBW
Well, I guess you’re the
only one having a good time.

LEO CAESIUS
I guess the situation really
hasn’t changed on board, has it?

GBW
Nope. We’ve just been
sitting here doing nothing.
DMA and Abdul have left.
I guess they’re the lucky ones.

LEO CAESIUS
Abdul left?

GBW
Yeah, this morning.
Slowly but surely we’ll probably
all be heading our separate ways,
if it keeps on.

LEO CAESIUS
You’ll contact me if the
situation changes, right?

GBW
Yeah.

The monitor goes dark.

The lift doors open and GBW turns to see GREY WOLF enter the Control Room. He looks around and heads to the ready room.

GBW
(standing up)
Grey?

GREY WOLF
Bugger off!

The ready room doors close behind GREY WOLF and GBW sighs, returning to his station.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

OTHNIEL, DIAMOND, and MATT are sitting in the Mess Hall talking when the doors suddenly open and HENDRYK races in, a grin on his face.

HENDRYK
I have found it!

DIAMOND
Found what?

HENDRYK
I have found the Book of What!

MATT
Book of huh?

OTHNIEL
What’s that?

HENDRYK
It’s the book that will lead us to
Doctor What’s Cache of Porn!

DIAMOND
Really? The Mythical Cache of Porn?

HENDRYK
The HOLY Cache of Porn.

OTHNIEL
What’s the Cache of Porn?
It sounds impure.

DIAMOND
It’s as impure as it can get.
Doc’s cache of porn he’s collected
from all the worlds we’ve visited.

MATT
But we’ve visted thousands.

HENDRYK
And he’s brought back hundreds from ever world.
Even from that Ice Planet that never evolved human life.

DIAMOND
Think of it.
All that porn…

HENDRYK
It is a scared thing.
Plus What already bequeathed it to
the Church in the event he died.

DIAMOND
Damn.

MATT
So what’s this book do?

HENDRYK
The Book of What will lead us to the Key,
which will lead us to the Cache!

MATT
Cool.

OTHNIEL
We must find this.

Everyone looks at him.

OTHNIEL
Although I do not believe in the
religion of What, I still respect it.
And if these items are holy to Hendryk,
then the least I can do is help him
find them. Doctor What would
have wanted it to be so.

HENDRYK
Well spoken, Othniel.

MATT
Cool. An expedition to find porn.
That’s my kind of expedition.

HENDRYK
It Is not a simple task. The Book shows us
where to begin, but once we get there.
We must face trials.

DIAMOND
What kind of trials?

HENDRYK
Trials of faith, courage, and resourcefulness.

DIAMOND
Damn.
We’re screwed.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY- DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN walks into the Engineering Bay.

There’s still a lot of construction going on. The engines seemed to have been stripped away and replaced with another, teams of workmen clamor over it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Man, this is getting a bit much, don’t you think?

DAVE HOWERY
Nah. It’s just a little refitting.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Refitting?
Refitting would be repairing what was
damaged and replacing bits we lost.
You’ve pretty much gutted the ship
and stuffed it full of shiny stuff.

DAVE HOWERY
But it’s things we need.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We need?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN points to a room with scores of monitors and comfy couches.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t remember that being there.

DAVE HOWERY
It’s my entertainment room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
How about that one?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN points to a room richly decorated.

DAVE HOWERY
That’s my smoking room.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But you don’t even smoke.

DAVE HOWERY
I might take it up someday…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Anyone else feel bad about
taking advantage of Ian’s generosity?

DAVE HOWERY
Hell, this ship was a converted warship.
There’s a lot of space we weren’t using.
And Ian’s given us a blank check on repairs
It’s not like we’re going anywhere. We’ve got time.
Why not make use of it while we have the chance.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I guess you’re right…
Hey, can you knock down the bulkhead in
my quarters so I can have more room?

DAVE HOWERY
Sorry, no manpower.

TORQUMADA suddenly shows up, carrying a roll of paper.

TORQUMADA
Dave, we need to talk about the extension of my lab.

DAVE HOWERY
But you have most of deck six for that.

TORQUMADA
That’s the problem.
I’ll need deck seven too.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Can I get a lab too?

DAVE HOWERY
No manpower.

TORQUMADA
About my lab.

DAVE HOWERY
Fine. I’ll have a dozen guys
go look at it in a bit.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN sighs and wanders out of the Engineering Bay.

EXT. – THE HUB – STREET – DAY

HENDRYK, OTHNIEL, DIAMOND, and MATT arrived before a dark alley. They look about and then at HENDRYK.

DIAMOND
This the place?

HENDRYK
(looking at Book)
Yes.

MATT
Well, this is a Doctor What thing.
(laughs)

HENDRYK steps forward and suddenly something shimmers. HENDRYK pauses and reaches out, the air seems to shimmer before him.

HENDRYK
An illusion?

MATT
One way to find out.

MATT steps forward, vanishing. A moment later he sticks out his head out.

MATT
You guys gotta check this out.

Everyone steps forward and the scene changes into;

INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – ENTRANCE – DAY

A huge room, circular, made of some golden colored stone, with torches burning in racks upon the wall. Upon the floor is a giant mosaic of Doctor What. HENDRYK gasps.

HENDRYK
A place of holy!

DIAMOND
How the hell did he find this place?

MATT
Dunno. But let’s find this porn…

HENDRYK
We must be careful. The challenges.

MATT
Pfft.
What can they do?
We’re talking about What here.

DIAMOND
Look, there’s a door over there.

Everyone looks across the chamber and indeed there is a large door on the far wall, it’s entrance covered in cobwebs.

MATT
Well, here I go.

HENDRYK
Wait!

MATT ignores him and enters the door, pushing aside the cobwebs.

There’s a rumbling noise and suddenly MATT flies out of the door and crashes near it, unconscious.

DIAMOND
Well.
Any other volunteers?

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – ENTRANCE – DAY

OTHNIEL
You go.

DIAMOND
You go.

OTHNIEL
No. You go.

HENDRYK
I’ll go.

DIAMOND and OTHNIEL look at him.

DIAMOND
Your funeral.

HENDRYK
I have the book of what.
It tells what the challenges are.

OTHNIEL
Why didn’t you tell that to MATT?

HENDRYK
He left before I could…
(Hendryk opens the Book)
The first challenge.
The Glory of her.

HENDRYK takes a deep breath and proceeds forward. He opens the Book of What

HENDRYK
(whispering)
The Glory of Her.
When he sees her vestige,
he is humbled…

HENDRYK takes a few steps forward.

HENDRYK
Only the humble man will pass.

HENDRYK stops. He is about to reach the spot where MATT lies unconscious. Before him is a wall of cobwebs and a dark chamber beyond.

DIAMOND looks at HENDRYK. HENDRYK looks at DIAMOND.

DIAMOND
(in a raspy voice)
Do it, Hendryk.

HENDRYK
(quietly to himself)
When he sees her vestige,
He is humbled…

HENDRYK takes a step forward through the cobwebs and into a dark chamber.

INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – HUMBLE ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK
Only the humble man will pass

DIAMOND
Humble. Humbled…

HENDRYK
Humble. Humbled…

The cobwebs begin to move….

Before Hendryk stands a huge figure of Paris Hilton made of stone. He gawks at it.

HENDRYK
Humble. Humbled…
Only the humble man will pass

There is a grinding sound, the room begins to vibrate. The stone figure of Paris Hilton eyes flash as it looks down at HENDRYK.

HENDRYK
(realization)
A humbled man kneels before her.

We hear a rush of air-

WHOOSH!

HENDRYK drops to his knees as the stone foot of the Paris Hilton figure suddenly shoots out at him, head level.

HENDRYK rolls forward instinctively, just as the foot suddenly comes down upon the position he was kneeling at. A terrible grinding of stone against stone.

HENDRYK gets cautiously to his feet. Now he sees that the Paris Hilton Statue had been guarding a small dark corridor. HENDRYK looks about and spots a red button labeled: OFF.

He hits it and the Paris Hilton figure shuts off.

HENDRYK
I’m through!

INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – ENTRANCE – DAY

DIAMOND
He’s through!

INT. – GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – HUMBLE ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK lets out a sigh of relief and heads into the corridor.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

THANDE and G.BONE are in the mess hall. G.BONE is doodling, while GBW is reading a chemistry book.

G.BONE
You know this sucks.

THANDE
Huh?

G.BONE
This sitting around doing nothing.

THANDE
It’s not like you really did anything before.

G.BONE
Not the point.
We at least used to go on missions.

THANDE
As I recall, you used to stay on ship through most of them.
The curse of being the teleportation tube operator.

G.BONE
At least I got out more times than you.

THANDE
What’s the point of this conversation?

G.BONE
(sighing)
I’m bored.

THANDE
You have the entire of the
Hub at your fingertips.

G.BONE
Yeah, but it’s boring too.

THANDE
Not everyone thinks it’s boring.
Leo’s having a good time.

G.BONE
That’s cuz he can get off the ship.
Plus he was invited to study in the Inner City.
(sighing)
We used to explore the Multiverse.
But since…

THANDE
But since Doctor What died.
We’ve done nothing?

G.BONE
Yeah. We’ve been here four months
and all we’ve done is sit around and
live off Ian’s generosity.

THANDE
Rather be shot at and nearly
killed on a weekly basis?

G.BONE
I’ve been on this ship two years and
yeah, I’d rather be shot at and nearly
killed on a weekly basis.
After a while you get used to it.

THANDE
Yeah…

The doors to the Mess Hall open and in walk IRON YUPPIE, LANDSHARK, and WEAPON M.

WEAPON M
So it was this little hunched back thing
called LUAKEL that was controlling the whole thing.

LANDSHARK
LUAKEL
We’ve been running into that
little bugger a lot, haven’t we?

WEAPON M
Aw, fun times…

The three look at GBW and G.BONE

IRON YUPPIE
Look at these morose little things.
Looks like someone stole their lolly pop.

G.BONE
Just bored…

WEAPON M
Yeah. Not much of a chance to go
shooting at bad guys here, is there?

IRON YUPPIE
Not if you want Ian to kick you out.

LANDSHARK
Can’t anger our host.

G.BONE
What are we going to do?

WEAPON M
About what?

THANDE
This whole sitting around and doing nothing thing.

WEAPON M
Oh, that.

Suddenly the doors to the Mess Hall open up and GREY WOLF staggers in. He staggers to the food storage area and begins pulling out bottles of booze and stacking them on a little cart.

G.BONE rises to his feet.

G.BONE
Er… Grey?

GREY WOLF’s head jerks his way.

G.BONE
Can we know what it is we’re going to do?

THANDE
Yeah. We’ve been here doing nothing.
Shouldn’t we be out exploring or something?

Suddenly a bottle goes flying at G.BONE and THANDE.

GREY WOLF
Explore?
You want to explore?
Go explore the insides of your quarters!

G.BONE and THANDE stare at him in confusion.

GREY WOLF
Get out of my sight!
Now!

The two quickly flee the Mess Hall.

GREY WOLF glares at the other three and then leaves, pushing out his cart full of booze.

IRON YUPPIE
Well…
That was kind of expected.

The three nod.

INT. – THE GRAND TEMPLE OF WHAT – DARK CORRIDOR – DAY

Holding the Book of What, HENDRYK reads it once again

HENDRYK
The second challenge is the
Word of What. Only in the
footsteps of What will he proceed.
(to himself)
The Word of What… The Word of…

HENDRYK pulls away some cobwebs to reveal a cobblestone path. Each cobble is engraved with a letter.

HENDRYK
Proceed in the footsteps of the
Word…
(whispering)
The Word of What…

HENDRYK scratches his head as he studies the cobblestones before him.

HENDRYK
(realization)
The Name of What… Bruno!

HENDRYK takes a step and immediately a stone breaks away and HENDRYK falls up to his hip — his leg stuck through the hold where the stone once was.

HENDRYK
Ow…

HENDRYK grunts as he pulls himself from the hole, the Book in his hand.

HENDRYK
Only in the footsteps of
What will he proceed
But his name was Bruno…
(sudden realiztion)
Oh, you got to be kidding me.

HENDRYK steps forward and tentatively pushes down upon a cobblestone labled “W”. It does not give.

HENDRYK
In the name of What.
Not his name, but ‘WHAT”
Idiot…

HENDRYK puts his full weight on the stone and looks about, noticing the other stones.

HENDRYK
“H”…”A”….”T”

HENDRYK makes it to the other side and notices a door. He looks back and shakes his head, continuing forward.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

LANDSHARK, IRON YUPPIE, and WEAPON M are sitting around a table.

LANDSHARK
Something needs to be done.

WEAPON M
But what?

IRON YUPPIE
But what?

LANDSHARK
Someone needs to talk to him.

WEAPON M
Easier said that done.

IRON YUPPIE
Someone who can empathize…

The three look at each other.

WEAPON M
Paper, rock, scissors?

They all nod.

WEAPON M
Alright one three.
1…
2…
3…
(long pause)
Aw, shit.

INT. – THE VOID – DAY

HENDRYK stands in a small opening, just small enough for his shoulders to squeeze through . Before him is a vast Void. Nothing below except darkness and across the way is a great cliff, with a door glowing visibly in the distance.

HENDRYK
Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.

HENDRYK sighs and looks about, he can see nowhere to cross. He looks again to the Book of What.

HENDRYK
Only a leap from the beaver’s head
will he prove his worth.

HENDRYK looks around and then he notices a neon sign above his head is the head of a beaver.

HENDRYK
Impossible.
Nobody can jump this!

HENDRYK looks down into the Book and shakes his head, wondering what to do.

INT. – DOCTOR WHAT TEMPLE ENTRANCE – DAY

DIAMOND rushes forward and calls to HENDRYK.

DIAMOND
Hendryk!
Hurry the hell up!
I’m getting bored!

INT. – THE VOID – DAY

HENDRYK
(realizing)
It’s… It’s a leap of faith.
It’s a leap of faith!

INT. – DOCTOR WHAT TEMPLE ENTRANCE – DAY

OTHNIEL
Oh, the suspense!
Oh, the suspense!

DIAMOND
I want that porn!

INT. – THE VOID – DAY

We see HENDRYK take a deep breath and prepares to leap into the Void.

And then – he doesn’t.

HENDRYK
To hell with this!

He throws the Book into the Void.

And then – it bounces upon something.

HENDRYK stops and stares. He continues to stare at the Book, which seems to be suspended over the Void, and then realization hits him.

HENDRYK
Ah. A force field.

He uses his foot and taps the force field, checking the width of the path, and then looks around. He steps onto the force field and picks up the Book, looking around.

HENDRYK
(clearing his throat)
All praise Doctor What…

HENDRYK looks around again and crosses the path. HENDRYK walks through the door in the side of the cliff and enters a Temple.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – GREY WOLF’S QUARTERS – DAY

WEAPON M enters GREY WOLF’s quarters and see GREY WOLF sitting upon his bed, a bottle in his hands.

WEAPON M
What’s the plan, Grey?

GREY WOLF is silent.

WEAPON M
We need a plan.
We can’t just keep staying here.
Its’ been friggin’ four months.

GREY WOLF is silent.

WEAPON M
If it weren’t for Ian and his generosity,
Our ship would still be crap and
we wouldn’t have a place to stay.

GREY WOLF is silent.

WEAPON M
Look, I get it. What’s dead and we’re all sad.
But life goes on. We need to go on. We can’t
just sit around moping and doing jack shit.

GREY WOLF is silent.

WEAPON M
Fuck it.

WEAPON M heads out of the quarters. GREY WOLF turns the bottle in his hands.

INT. – WHAT TEMPLE – DAY

HENDRYK enters the door and it opens into a large chamber.

On the far wall is a large shelf, upon a vast array of porn is displayed.. Hundreds of them.

HENDRYK is mesmerized by their number and their beauty. And then he realizes someone else is there, a noise can be heard. He pauses and walks deeper into the temple, rounding a corner and seeing a boy sitting on a bean bag chair and playing a video game. HENDRYK pauses and then clears his throat.

The BOY turns and we see it’s LUAKEL. He gives a surprised squeak, tosses aside the video game, and jumps to his feet, holding a sword.

LUAKEL
I am the Protector of the Porn Cache Key!
Prepare for Combat!

HENDRYK snorts and walks forward pulling the sword from LUAKEL’s hand and pushing the boy back onto his bean bag chair.

HENDRYK
Who are you?

LUAKEL
I am LUAKEL, called Urkel, the one
who swore to the Great What
to guard his Porn Cache Key.

HENDRYK
When the hell was that?

LUAKEL
A couple of months ago.
I’ve been here for a while,
and I must say. It’s
pretty damn boring.

LUAKEL looks at HENDRYK and shrugs.

LUAKEL
You don’t look like much.
But I guess you’ll do.

HENDRYK
What do you mean?

LUAKEL
I was chosen because I was the
bravest and the most worthy. The
honor was mine until another came
to challenge me to single combat.
I pass it to you who vanquished me.

LUAKEL gestures to the sword in HENDRYK’s hands.

HENDRYK
(confused)
Huh?

LUAKEL
You’re gonna guard the Key.

HENDRYK
But I don’t want to guard it.

LUAKEL
Then why did you come here?

HENDRYK
I came for the Key.

LUAKEL
What? You can’t take th-

At that moment DIAMOND and OTHNIEL appear. Donovan turns to face the display of porn.

DIAMOND
Holy shit. That’s a lot of porn.
(mutters)
Gotta buy more lube…

LUAKEL
(in an officious voice)
You must choose.
(beat)
But choose wisely.
For as the True Porn Key,
will give you great pleasure
and the False Porn Key will
mess you up royally.

OTHNIEL
I’m not a Porn Expert.
I wouldn’t know which one to pick.
Which one is it?

DIAMOND
Let me choose.

HENDRYK
Wait!

DIAMOND
I’ll be mine!

DIAMOND stares at the array of porn and then picks up a copy: TRANSVESTITE STREET-WALKING MIDGET LESBIANS – VOL. XXXXIV.

OTHNIEL lunges forward with a small club, hits DIAMOND over the head, and instantly takes it from him. DIAMOND collapses to the floor.

OTHNIEL
Oh, yes. This would be the
Key to Doctor What’s Cache!
I shall use it to open the Cache
and destroy it all!

HENDRYK
But I thought-

OTHNIEL
The faith of What is a perversion!
It must be destroyed!
Starting with this!

HENDRYK
Noooo!!!!

OTHNIEL
Mwahahahahaha!

OTHNIEL rushes for the door, takes a step out, then turns back.

OTHNIEL
Suckers!

Suddenly, OTHNIEL’s entire body starts to convulse. His face contorts in agony. He grabs his stomach

OTHNIEL
What . . . is . . . happening. . .
to . . .me. . .?

We see his eyes suddenly cloud up, we see him become emancipated, and then we see hair begin growing on his palms.

OTHNIEL
What. . . is . . . happening. . . ?

OTHNIEL turns and runs out of the Temple..

LUAKEL
He chose…poorly.
(giggles)

HENDRYK studies the array of porn.

HENDRYK picks up a battered copy of PARIS DOES PARIS (the city) AGAIN!

HENDRYK
This is something that Doc would like…
(a long pause)
There’s only one way to find out.

HENDRYK walks to the door and steps out.

A strange look overcomes him, a look of peace and contentment.

LUAKEL
You have chosen wisely.

HENDRYK
All hail Doctor What…

Suddenly the temple begins to shimmer and everything suddenly vanishes. HENDRYK looks about and blinks. He’s standing in a large alleyway, he looks up to see the gray sky of the Hub.

HENDRYK
What?

LUAKEL
Oh, this was all an hologram program.
You’d actually think that Doctor What
Could build all of this just to hide his Cache Key?

HENDRYK
He is the Great What…

LUAKEL
Hey, since I’m done being the Key Protector.
Mind if I tag along with you guys?

HENDRYK
No.
(walks off)

LUAKEL
Aw….
Wanker.

He notices DIAMOND still unconscious on the ground, walks over to him and takes his wallet. Then skips away down the alleyway.

DIAMOND groans.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GREY WOLF walks into the Control Room, looking for once sober and clean. He scans the area and clears his throat.

GREY WOLF
GBW?

GBW
Grey?

GREY WOLF
Is everyone on board?

GBW
Yeah. Leo just got back a moment ago.
Why?

GREY WOLF
Begin preparations to leave the Hub.

GBW
(straightening up)
What’s our destination, sir?

GREY WOLF
(staring at the viewscreen)
We have a Multiverse to explore, boyo.

Center on GREY WOLF and fade to black:

END ACT II

TAG

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TEMPLE OF DOCTOR WHAT – NIGHT

The sounds of female moaning, groaning, and ecstasy come thundering out of the Temple.

ANGLE: A HUGE SCREEN MONITOR

HENDRYK sits before a huge screen monitor, the blue glow bathing him. Cheesy porn music fills the air and a picture of DOCTOR WHAT is clutched to HENDRYK’s chest as he looks up at the monitor, tears running down his face.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

A light on GBW’s computer console begins blinking.

Pull in on the light, we see a piece of masking tape with a name scribbled on it.

DOCTOR WHAT – BEACON

GBW looks at it, confused.

EXT. – SOMEWHERE – DAY

Bring sunlight break through a heavy canopy of leaves and thick truck trees. The sounds of bird singing is heard in the distance. A large multicolored butterfly flaps about, it settles upon a what looks to be a hand.

The hand twitches and the butterfly launches away.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS.

TEASER

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – ADMIRAL’S READY ROOM – NIGHT

SIX YEARS AGO…

WARD sits at his desk, staring at a blank computer screen.

Pan around the room and we see the signs of the fierce battle they had fought, broken items, dead monitors lie about.

The door to the ready room opens and GRIMM REAPER enters.

GRIM REAPER
Admiral?

WARD
Don’t call me that.

GRIM REAPER
Excuse me sir?

WARD
I’m not an admiral.
An admiral commands a fleet.
What do I command?

GRIM REAPER
Me, sir.

WARD
(scoffs)
A crew of one…

GRIM REAPER
And this ship, sir. She’s not destroyed.
She’s a tough old bucket and there’s
the possibility of repair…

WARD
An admiral with a single ship and a sole crewmember.
No, Grimm. I’m not an admiral anymore
Call me captain, for it is this ship I command now.

GRIM REAPER
Yes…
(slight pause)
Captain.
(a longer pause)
I’ve brought you something, sir.

GRIMM REAPER brings a box to the WARD’s desk. He sets it down gingerly.

WARD eyes the box, shooting GRIMM REAPER a questioning look.

WARD
What is it?

GRIM REAPER
I managed to extract it from the Archives,
before the Computer gave out. I know it’s
in a primitive medium, but it was all that I
could get, sir. I thought that you might want them…

WARD opens the box to reveal hundreds of small slides. He picks one up and looks at it, a smile suddenly appearing upon his previously morose face.

WARD
I can’t believe it.

GRIM REAPER
Back in the War you told me something.
There’s always a reason to fight on, there’s
always a reason to not give up. Whether
it be family, love, hope, belief. There’s
always something to keep fighting for.

WARD
Thank you, Grimm.
Thank you very much.

GRIM REAPER
It is my pleasure, sir.

WARD gets up from his desk.

WARD
Tell me something, Grimm.

GRIM REAPER
Anything, sir.

WARD
What’s keeping you in the fight?

GRIM REAPER
Belief sir.
I believe in you.

WARD pauses a moment, his bearing suddenly becoming straighter.

WARD
Our ship is nearly destroyed.
We are lost in the Multiverse.
But we have a mission. There’s
a monster out there that needs
to be destroyed. And We will
find it and we will destroy it.

GRIM REAPER
(grinning)
Yes, sir.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“ONCE MORE INTO THE BREECH”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

The crew is gathered, all looking hollow eyed and exhausted. DOCTOR WHAT looks at each of them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Report.

DAVE HOWERY
Shift engine’s shot. Take days to fix it.
I can get you in system drives by the end of the day…
But we’ve also taken some damage to the reactor, the
thing could go critical if we strain it too much.

GBW
Scanners are out. We can’t see anything.
Shields are down, all the generators are blown.

DAVE HOWERY
We have one more in storage.
God, we’re running through them fast…

WEAPON M
Weapons are down. The particle cannons
look to be salvageable. But the launch tube’s
shot to hell. We’ll be lobbing nothing anytime soon.

DOCTOR WHAT
The A.S.S.H.A.T?

WEAPON M
It’s okay. Tough little thing.
Though the only way we’re gonna
launch it is if we shove it out of an airlock.

G.BONE
Leo’s down. His core was damaged
in the attack. It’ll take a while to fix him.

DAVE HOWERY
Without Leo, we can’t shift anyway.
Along with targeting, navigating…

DOCTOR WHAT
(rubbing weary eyes)
Okay. Main things first.
Get us shields, weapons, impulse,
and Leo back online.

DAVE HOWERY
Psycho and I can handle the engines.

GBW
I can replace the shield generator.

G.BONE
I can fix up Leo, but it might take a while.

WEAPON M
Figure I can fiddle with the particle cannons
and see what happens.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good. We got jobs. Get to it.
We may be in an unfriendly place.

Everyone leaves and DOCTOR WHAT hangs his head in exhaustion.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

The crew is gathered.

GEDCA
We’ve got weapons back on line.
We’ve got shields back up to minimum.
One solid hit and the generators will fry.
We just don’t have a spare.
Scanners are down, comm is shifty, and
the engines are up and running.

WARD
Excellent.
(to GRIMM REAPER)
Were we able to get a reading
off the Devourer’s wake?

GRIM REAPER
(shaking head)
No. It decayed too fast.

WARD
Damn
What about the AH.com?

GRIM REAPER
The Beacon’s holding steady.
We know where they are…

WARD
Excellent.
Set a course for that universe.
If we can’t find the Devourer, we
might as well destroy one of our foes.

GRIMM REAPER nods ecstatically.

INT.- AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

KIT
Doc. We’re getting some kind of message.

DOCTOR WHAT
On screen.

The screen flares to life, showing a large man.

MAN
You have entered the realm
of the United Imperial Earth.
State your business!

DOCTOR WHAT
Our ship is damaged. We need to make some repairs.

MAN
We cannot allow such foreigners into
our space, prepare to be boarded and
taken into custody.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the fu-

The ship suddenly shakes.

HENDRYK
Internal scans show that there’s a
force landing in the Main Shuttle Bay.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why the hell didn’t we see them?

HENDRYK
Main scanners are down…

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn.
(into com)
MATT!

MATT
Yo?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re being boarded.
Secure the Main Shuttle Bay.

MATT
On my way, Doc!

INT. AH.COM SHIP – OUTSIDE MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

MATT, STRAHA, MICHAEL, and OTHNIEL scurry down a corridor, armed.

STRAHA
Lets blow these sons of bitches
out of the air lock!

MATT
They’re already on the ship.

STRAHA
Then we fucking kill them!

MATT
That’s the plan, kid.

They hurry to the Shuttle Bay entrance, when suddenly there’s a loud explosion throwing them all back. MATT staggers to his feet, and watches as several amored figures march out of the door.

MATT
Shit!
(opens fire)

MICHAEL moves around on his hands and knees, reaching a groaning STRAHA crumpled up against a bulkhead. He notices OTHNIEL lying in a heap.

MICHAEL
(into comm)
Diamond! Get your ass down here!
Now!

MATT continues to fight the armored figures.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY– DAY

DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are hunched over a monitor, behind them smoke rises and red lights are flashing.

DAVE HOWERY
Man. I don’t like the look of this.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Look of what?
The whole damn ship falling apart?
Or the core running redline for the last hour?

DAVE HOWERY
No. My reflection. That small fire singed
my luxurious beard, now it’s uneven.
You don’t happen to have a pair of
scissors do you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Er… No.
I think we have bigger problems at the moment.

DAVE HOWERY
Fine. Fine.

Suddenly the ship rocks and DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are sent flying across the Engineering Room.

The sound of something snapping fills the rooma nd suddenly steam gushes from a broken pipe.

DAVE HOWERY
Aw, crap.
I thought I fixed that.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Duct taping is not fixing.

DAVE HOWERY
It usually works.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And we wonder why our ship looks like crap.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, at least it’s still flying.
Er… was still flying.

A alarm begins blaring, DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN rush to another monitor.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Shit.

DAVE HOWERY
Aw, hell. Looks like the venting system
from the reactor just crapped out.
(Dave hits various buttons)
The auto vent’s not working.
Crap.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What are we gonna do?

DAVE HOWERY
We gotta get to the manual release,
vent the theta radiation and pray to
whatever gods you believe in that
the core doesn’t go critical.

Suddenly the ship rocks again, and another alarm begins blaring again, this time the Engineering Bay is flooded with red light and screaming sirens.

DAVE HOWERY
Radiation leak!
Get out of the Reactor Room.
It’s gonna be sealed off.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But the vents?

DAVE HOWERY
You wanna die?
If we don’t get out now,
we’ll be dead!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
If we just leave, the radiation is going
to flood this whole ship. And we’ll be
all dead. Not to mention the reactor
could go critical if the radiation isn’t vented!

DAVE HOWERY
Shit.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Go. I’ll open the manual vent.

DAVE HOWERY
Oh, hell no.
You’re not going to do something
brave while I’m around. I’m the
Chief Engineer, I do the crazy brave
stuff, not my kickrarounds.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You know more about this ship than me.
It’s about who’s more useful, now. If
you’re incapacitated, then G.Bone and I
can’t fix the ship as well as you can.
So you’re needed.

DAVE HOWERY
(stroking singed beard)
You’re right…

Suddenly the siren changes pitch. There’s a groaning noise and a heavy blast door begins sliding down, separating the reactor from the rest of the ship.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Go!

DAVE HOWERY hurries out as the heavy doors slid down. He looks in from a small window.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN rushes over to a large machine that’s labeled: MANUAL VENT. He begins hitting some buttons, the lighting of the room changes.

DAVE HOWERY
No! No!
You idiot! That’s the light control.
The vent control is to the left!

PSCYHOMELTDOWN gives a thumbs up, moving over to another computer console. He hits buttons and suddenly a large lever pops up. He pulls it down.

DAVE HOWERY rushes over to a monitor and it displays; SECONDARY VENTING INITIATED. He rushes back to the small window and sees PSYCHOMELTDOWN collapsed upon the floor.

DAVE HOWERY
Aw, hell.
(opens comm unit)
Diamond! Get your ass down here, ASAP!

DIAMOND (on comm)
I’m kind of in a fucking situation here!
(sounds of gunfire)

DAVE HOWERY stares into the Engineering Room.

DAVE HOWERY
Aw, hell.

DAVE HOWERY hits a button upon the door marked: MANUAL RELEASE.

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – OUTSIDE MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

The sound of gunfire fills the air, Pan toward a group of figures huddled behind a barricade, exchanging fire with a large group of armored figures.

Pan to DIAMOND who’s applying bandages to an unconscious OTHNEIL, a bandaged and stunned looking STRAHA leans up against a bulkhead, arm in sling and clothing bloodied.

MATT
Shit.
We can’t hold this position.

MICHAEL
This is a bloody right fucked mess.
Where in the hell are the others?

DIAMOND
They said there was another attempt
to board the ship from the secondary bay.
They’ll be here in a minute.

The bulkhead above DIAMOND gets shredded by incoming fire.

MICHAEL
Hope they come friggin’ soon.

There’s a sudden yelling and several armored men begin running toward the barricade, firing as they come. MATT, MICHAEL, and DIAMOND open fire upon them.

MICHAEL suddenly lets out a yell, falling backward and withering from a hit. DIAMOND immediately moves to him, opening his med pouch. MATT takes care of the last charging soldier.

MATT
Damn it.
We gotta fall back.
Straha, grab Othniel.
Diamond grab Michael.
I’ll cover your retreat.

The two grab the injured pair and begin dragging. MATT suddenly rises up, firing away at the armored figures. DIAMOND keeps dragging, suddenly knocking into something. He turns around and sees IRON YUPPIE, LANDSHARK, ABDUL HADI PASHA, and DMA.

IRON YUPPIE
Any of the boys with toys left?

LANDSHARK
Oi, what’s with the depressed and
“we’re gonna die” look. The bloody
cavalry’s here to save your sorry arses.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
Move it, people.
Matt’s in trouble.
(cocks assault rifle)

DMA
Jihad!
(runs into the fight)

IRON YUPPIE
You gotta love his enthusiasm.

LANDSHARK
‘Course he’s gotta come up
with a better line than “Jihad”.

DIAMOND just shakes his head and STRAHA and he continue to drag the unconscious crew members down the battered corridor.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room is tense and we can see GREY WOLF and GBW busily trying to repair a computer console.

The Main Viewscreen is shot through with static. On it are shown the Imperial ships swarming like little bugs.

KIT
Doc, there’s heavy comm traffic.
Seems the Imperials are gathering
their forces for a full on attack.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn.
(into comm)
Hey, Lee. How long with that cannon?

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – WEAPONS CONTROL AREA – DAY

WEAPON M and THANDE are hunched over fixing a large device labeled: MAIN WEAPONS CONTROL.

WEAPON M
Give us a couple of minutes, Doc.
This thing’s fried to hell and gone.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re running out of time here.
We need the weapons up and running…

WEAPON M
We hear you. But there’s no choice in the matter.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just get it done. Quickly.

THANDE
Damn it. I work with chemicals,
not bloody damned machines!

WEAPON M
Chill, Thande.
We’ll get it working.

WEAPON M inserts a chip and suddenly the consoles flares to life. WEAPON M gives THANDE a thumbs up sign.

WEAPON M (into comm)
Weapons are a go, Doc.
Fire away at the fucking bastards!

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK
Doc. Weapons online!

DOCTOR WHAT
Aim for the first ship and begin firing.

HENDRYK
(happily)
I’ve always wanted to do this.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Light fires from the AH.com ship, slicing through the Imperial Ships flying in their direction. They begin blossoming into flames.

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

KIT
Dave’s reporting that the ship’s in system
drives are on line. Shift Engines are still
offline. MATT’s also reporting that the
last of the boarders have been repelled.
The Imperials are calling a retreat on all
remaining ships.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ha. Blast away a couple of
their ships and they go running.

KIT
No. They all got the retreat order moments
before the cannons were activated. It’s strange…

DOCTOR WHAT
Lucky us then.
(to Grey and GBW)
You two finished?
We need to hop skip outta here.

GBW
Almost.

GREY WOLF
The bloody consoles always fucking blow
when you get tapped by a baddie. Damn things.
We should get better ones…

KIT
(scared)
Doc? I’ve snatched up a transmission sent
out to all the Imperial Ships. They’ve got
bigger worries to worry about…

The viewscreen flashes on, showing a huge billowing vortex, almost as if a storm were brewing in space. The Control Room goes quiet as they see what comes out.

GREY WOLF
Aw, bloody hell.
The fucking thing followed us here.

DOCTOR WHAT (into comm)
Dave, you’d better get those Shift Engines
working, for we’ve got unwelcome company.

DAVE HOWERY (on comm)
What? You’re not saying…
Aw, crap. I’m on it.

DOCTOR WHAT (into comm)
G.Bone, hurry up and patch up Leo.
We’re gonna need his brainy power in a moment.

G.Bone (on comm)
Working on it, captain.
This is delicate work!

GBW
(sighing)
What else could happen now?

Suddenly the ship rocks, alarms begin blaring.

HENDRYK
We’re getting hull breaches on several decks.
Something just tore a hole into us.

DOCTOR WHAT
Was it the Devourer?

KIT
(scared)
Doc, we’re getting a transmission.

The screen flares to life and a truly pissed off looking WARD is shown.

WARD
You think you could run?
You think you could make
a repeat of your cowardice?
Well, I’m here to show you
what we do to cowards!

GREY WOLF
(glaring at GBW)
You just had to shoot off your
soddin’ mouth, didn’t you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh.. do we have shields?

HENDRYK
No.

DOCTOR WHAT
Aw, shit.

The CF.net begins firing upon the AH.com.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WARD is glaring at the viewscreen, showing the AH.com maneuvering and taking shots.

GRIM REAPER
Sir. We’re running the weapons system hot.
Without auto targeting we’re missing five outta seven shots.

WARD
Keep firing.
Destroy them.

GRIM REAPER
Yes, sir.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – COMPUTER CORE – DAY

G.BONE is floating in a large area, the huge pulsing orb that was Leo’s Brain is dead and unpulsing. G.BONE is fiddling with what appears to be chips.

The ship rocks violently, causing him to drop a few, they fly slowly away from him.

G.BONE
(growling)
I said this was delicate work!
I can’t work in these conditions.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Get us out of here, GBW!

GBW
Trying, sir.
I can’t shake them.

Suddenly the ship rocks and the lights dim.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell?

GBW
I’ve just lost helm control.

HENDRYK
I’ve lost weapons control.

KIT
Still got comm.

GREY WOLF
I just dropped by scotch!

DOCTOR WHAT (into comm)
Dave, what’s happened?

DAVE HOWERY (on comm)
That last shot just took out our pulse drive.
We aren’t going anywhere. Thursters are gone,
the Shift Engines are still hours of work from now…

GBW
So, we’re just sitting ducks out here?

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at viewscreen)
Why are they destroying us?

INT. – CF.NET – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GRIMM REAPER is pounding a dead computer console.

GRIM REAPER
We’ve just lost weapons.

WARD
Damn.
What do we have to destroy them?

GRIM REAPER
(shrugging)
Teleporters are down.
Launch tubes are shot to hell…
(pause)
We could board them?

WARD
Do it!

FAEELIN
Sir. We’re getting a transmission from the AH.com.
Shall I patch it through?

WARD
Go ahead. I want to see What
beg for his life, before I kill him.

INT.- AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GREY WOLF
Just don’t beg for your life.

DOCTOR WHAT
How many times do I have to tell you?
I’m not begging for my life.

GREY WOLF
Just making sure…

KIT
We’re patched in.

WARD appears upon the screen. DOCTOR WHAT stands up straight.

DOCTOR WHAT
I see you survived.

WARD
I see you ran, like the coward you are.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think we have bigger issues than
my leaving the scene of battle.
Though I did not flee.

WARD
Quit your stalling.

DOCTOR WHAT
If your communication officer will scan the
local frequencies, he’ll notice something
going on. It seems we have a mutual enemy
that’s arrived to this universe also.

WARD talks off screen for a moment, when he comes back he still looks angry, but this time not directed at DOCTOR WHAT.

WARD
This means nothing. Only that I’ll
destroy the Thing after I destroy you.

DOCTOR WHAT
We still want this Devourer destroyed, same as you.
We’re willing to work with you to destroy it.
We also still have an A.S.S.H.A.T. left.

WARD
(long pause)
It looks like we have a few things to discuss…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA is stripping off bloodied gloves while DIAMOND is taking a fortifying shot of medicinal brandy.

TORQUMADA
There’s a reason that I love
futuristic medical equipment.
So much better than just hacking
away at a person’s body parts.

DIAMOND nods, taking another fortifying shot.

DOCTOR WHAT enters.

DOCTOR WHAT
How are they?

TORQUMADA
(nodding to Dr. What)
Psycho’s got a major case of
Radiation poisoning, We’ve
given him meds and he’ll be
okay, if we get the medical
equipment here working.
Othniel’s suffering form a
concussion and a couple of
shrapnel wounds, he’ll be okay.
Michael, we had to dig a couple
of bullets outta him. Messy stuff.

DOCTOR WHAT
And Straha?

TORQUMADA
Broken arm and from what I can tell,
shell shock. A couple of meds and
a few days rest should take care of that.

DOCTOR WHAT walks among the battered crewmembers, shaking his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
A miracle we didn’t lose anyone.

TORQUMADA
I had Psycho’s name in the pool
as the crew member to die in this battle.

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s was a pool?

DIAMOND
I had Straha…
(sighs)

DOCTOR WHAT looks at the unconscious members again and shakes his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Make sure they’re comfortable. We’re still
not out of the fight yet. The Big Bad’s just
followed us here, along with Ward.

DIAMOND
(takes fortifying shot of medicinal brandy)
Damn.

TORQUMADA
(offers Doctor What a shot of medicinal brandy)
Of all the missions you’ve taken us on,
this has to be the shittiest one.

DOCTOR WHAT
(takes fortifying shot of medicinal brandy)
You’re telling me.

KIT
Doc. Ward’s arrived on board.

DOCTOR WHAT (into comm)
On my way.
(turns to leave, then stops)
Thanks for taking care of my crew, Torq.
You too, Diamond.

DIAMOND
It’s cool, Cap’n.

TORQUMADA
No problem, Doc. Just kill this
thing and we’ll call it even, alright?

DOCTOR WHAT
Consider it done.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

WARD, GRIMM, DRACONIS NOIR, and N-RED walk from a shuttle, the latter two are heavily armed. DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF, MATT, and WEAPON M head toward them, the latter two are also heavily armed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s discuss our options.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
The fight we engaged in against the Devourer
managed to eliminate most of it’s fighter escorts.

WARD
It still has it’s own personal defenses
and weapons. What do you think took
out the ‘Verse Crosser?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve managed to hurt it and
it’s managed to hurt us.

GREY WOLF
That’s a goddamn understatement,
if I’ve ever heard one.

GRIM REAPER
We still have weapons and minimal shields.
Same as you.

WARD
I get it your launching system is also shot to hell?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah.

GRIM REAPER
We can’t launch the A.S.S.H.A.T.
We can’t teleport it.
What are our options?

DOCTOR WHAT thinks for a moment and then smiles.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to Grey Wolf)
Do we still have that dinky
ship we captured last time?
(he nods)
I think I have an idea…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

KIT
I don’t see why you’re the one who has to do this?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m the captain, I make the decisions.

KIT
Can’t you use one of the cannon fodder?
Take GBW, he’s almost useless.

GBW
Hey, I’d take offense if it weren’t so true!

DOCTOR WHAT
No. I must do this myself.

KIT
No you don’t. You’re just being stupidly brave.
Get over yourself!

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiles briefly)
I have to do this.

KIT
(glaring)
Bastard.
(stalks off)

GREY WOLF
I’ll hold the ship while you’re gone.

DOCTOR WHAT
I trust you, Grey.

GREY WOLF
Fuck.
Guess that’ll me I can’t drink.
(tosses aside flask)

DOCTOR WHAT
See you all in a bit, after we kill this thing.
Beer’s on me at the Pub.

GBW
‘bout time you actually bought a round!

DOCTOR WHAT smiles and heads off into the Lift.

GREY WOLF
(to crew)
Get yer arses to work.
I want all systems on go when this shit starts.
If What buys it out there, I’m holding
you fuckards responsible, hear?

CREW
Yes, sir!

INT. AH.COM SHIP – MAIN CARGO BAY – DAY

A vast room, filled with storage containers. In one corner a lot of people are gathered, busily moving items. Pull in and we see, G.BONE, DAVE HOWERY, GEDCA, FORTYSEVEN, and FEDERATION X.

FORTYSEVEN
Where’s Psycho?

G.BONE
Med Bay. Radiation Poisoning.

FEDERATION X
Ouch. That sucks.

GEDCA
Can’t believe you all have
this stuff in storage.

DAVE HOWERY
(smugly)
Got replacements for every
major system on this ship.

GEDCA
Why?

DAVE HOWERY
Hell, we’ve had our ship trashed in
almost every universe we arrived at.
We’ve been shot, nearly blown up,
our ship nearly taken over a couple of times.
(shakes head)
Give us a couple of days after a fight
and we’ll be good as new again.

GEDCA
Thanks for letting us snag a few parts.

DAVE HOWERY
Not much call for spare parts, huh?

GEDCA
We don’t get our asses kicked.

Long pause.

DAVE HOWERY
Right.

INT. AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

Debris and scorched marks litter the Shuttle Bay. DOCTOR WHAT and WEAPON M walk around a small craft.

WEAPON M
Always wondered why
we never used this thing.

DOCTOR WHAT
Mainly cuz it’s wanted
in nearly fifty universes.

WEAPON M
Aw, well. She works fine. We’ve
loaded her up and she’s set to go.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good.

WEAPON M
Here.
(hands Dr. What a device)

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s this?

WEAPON M
It’s a locator. Leo’s tracking system’s
a bit on the fritz. We might mistaken
your ship for that of the enemy.
So locator.

DOCTOR WHAT
Cool.

WEAPON M
Hell, we could track you into another
universe with it, if we wanted.

DOCTOR WHAT
I won’t be in another universe.

A silence descends

WEAPON M
You sure you want to do this?

DOCTOR WHAT
(looks about)
Hell no. But it has to be done.

WEAPON M
Right.
Best of luck to you, Doc.
We’ll keep that bitch off your
back so you can fuck it in the ass.
(grins)
Heh. At least you’re good at that.

DOCTOR WHAT
(mock outrage)
That’s slanderous lies, Lee.
Good luck to you guys.

WEAPON M
Nah. You’ll be doing the hard part.
We’ll just be out there poking the bull.

The two shake hand and part ways. DOCTOR WHAT entering the small ship.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see the ship leave the AH.com and with a blast of it’s engines is lost in the darkness of space.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

HENDRYK
Doc’s just left the ship.

GREY WOLF
Inform Ward and begin the plan.

GBW
Course set.

LEO
Weapons ready and armed.

DAVE HOWERY (on comm)
We’re ready as we’ll ever be down here.

TORQUMADA (on comm)
Patients secured.
Just don’t get us blown up, Grey.

GREY WOLF
Sure and maybe I’ll pull a
unicorn outta my arse.

KIT
Ward’s acknowledge.
Entering attack vector.

LANDSHARK
Damn, here we go again…

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A long shot of the earth, the two ships, the Devourer, and scores of Imperial ships still battling away at the Devourer. Light blossoms from the Devourer, striking down at the planet below.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

KIT
Oh my. The Imperial ships
are taking a major beating…

GREY WOLF
Begin attack approach, power to
defensive screens and weapons!

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The two ships blaze their way toward the ship, both battered.

A spherical ship is chasing after an Imperial ship; suddenly it explodes into debris as the cannons of the CF.net open up. A barrage is sent against the Devourer. The Ah.com commences bombardment, the two ships begin maneuvers as a lance of pure white light shoots out at their position.

The two ships are weaving in and out of the Imperial Ships, firing their cannons upon the Devourer. Small spherical ships disengage from attacking the Imperial ships and begin giving chase.

Lances of light strike upon the hulls of the ships, bits and pieces falling off. They fire back, shredding the spherical ships. The spherical ships are giving chase now, the Imperial ships swarm the Devourer, but they get cut down, one by one.

INT. – COCKPIT OF THE SMALL SHIP – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT intently watches the scanner before him, watching as Imperial ships explode, spherical vessels detonate, and the two ships fending off the swarm of spherical ships.

DOCTOR WHAT hits a couple of buttons on the console before him and the ship begins to surge forward.

DOCTOR WHAT
Here we go.

He looks back and we see the A.S.S.H.A.T.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Sparks shower from a shattered console, the light is dim, and everyone’s clutching to whatever surface they can, as the ship shakes violently with hits.

GREY WOLF
How long?

WEAPON M
Shields down to forty percent.
Weapons running hot.

GBW
Dave’s having problems with the
pulse engines. They’re being overworked.

HENDRYK
Doc’s ship is moving in.

GREY WOLF
Oh, thank god.

WEAPON M
Aw, crap.
The Devourer’s firing upon Doc…

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The Devourer begins firing at the small ship. The small ship moves gracefully, avoiding the lances of light and continues to plow toward the Devourer.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WEAPON M
Ward’s firing his main cannon!

A flash of light fills the screen.

It clears and the crew begins cheering as they see a series of explosions rock the hull of the Devourer.

HENDRYK
Reading damages along the outer hull.
Their weapons are off line.

GREY WOLF
Take us in for an attack, all wea-

A blast of white light suddenly hits the ship, alarms begin ringing and the ship comes to a stop.

GREY WOLF
What the hell?

DAVE HOWERY (on comm)
We’ve just lost pulse drives!
We’ve just lost shields.
We’ve just lost weapons!
We’re fucked.

GREY WOLF
Aw, hell…

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A white light flashes again.

Suddenly a ship appears between them and the light. The CF.net. The white light hits them full on and they’re suddenly adrift like the AH.com. small explosions can be seen erupting from their hull.

The Devourer seems to ignore them, instead it begins firing upon the small ship that’s still speeding it’s way toward it. With a single cannon it fires repeatedly, the small ship dodging the blasts.

Suddenly a blast strikes out, the small ship barely manages to maneuver out of the way, but it gets grazed. The small ship spins, out of control.

As if a last gasp, the CF.net belches out another blast, destroying the last cannon of the Devourer.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

KIT
Doc!
Doc!
Are you alirght?

DOCTOR WHAT (on comm)
(heavy with static)
Yeah. I’m here.
Ship got grazed, no control…

GREY WOLF
Just arm the A.S.S.H.A.T. and
teleport your arse off the ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t. The teleporters are shot…

KIT
What?
No.
No.

GREY WOLF
We’ll launch a shuttle to get you.

DOCTOR WHAT
No. The Devourer is already repairing
itself. I can see it from here. It’ll be
minutes before it’s functioning again…

GREY WOLF
You can’t stay on that bloody ship.
It’s gonna blow!

DOCTOR WHAT
(softly)
I know…

KIT
No.
Doc, don’t do this.
Don’t be stupid.
(into intercom)
MATT get a friggin’ shuttle
ready and get the Doc!

DOCTOR WHAT
Kit, no.
Too many people have been hurt and
have died because of this thing. I’m
not letting anyone die to try and save me.
No.

KIT
But, Doc…

DOCTOR WHAT
No.

GREY WOLF
Damn it, Bruno.
What the hell are we going to do?

DOCTOR WHAT
(long pause)
Take care of the ship. Take care of one another.
I said it before. We’re all family. We’ve been
through a lot. We’ve seen a lot. A ragged bunch
of people, when you all came on board. Now look
at you. You’re heroes, everyone of you. Be proud
of that and remember it. You’ve faced something
today that very little people would willingly face.
You stood up against a great evil and now we’ve
fought it to a standstill. I’m proud to have had the
opportunity to be on a ship with you all.
(a long pause)
This is where our paths separate, but one day
we may all end up together again, in another
universe. In another place.

KIT
Doc..
Don’t.

DOCTOR WHAT
(heavy static)
I can see it now. The Devourer
is almost finished repairing itself.
You guys be good.
(hastily)
And no one touch my porn!

KIT
Doc!

Nothing.

INT. – COCKPIT OF THE SMALL SHIP – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT walks toward the back of the ship and flips a switch upon the A.S.S.H.A.T.. A counter begins, counting down from 10.

9…

8…

He sighs, leaning against it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn. They’re gonna get into my porn…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

7…

6…

KIT
(screaming)
Someone!
Rescue him!
Please…

INT. – COCKPIT OF THE SMALL SHIP – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT looks around and grins to himself. He straddles the A.S.S.H.A.T..

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll ride this fucker in.

5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

A suddenly violet shockwave encompasses the screen, washing out everything.

The crew stands there, unable to say anything.

Utter silence.

KIT
No…

END ACT II

TAG

MONTAGE

CREW REPAIRING THE SHIP

Dave leading the crew to patch up the hull and the engines.

Parts being taken out of storage.

Welding sparks as things are patched up.

CLEANING THE INTERIOR

the rest of the crew tear down battered bulkheads and scrub away marks of fire and fighting.

CREW VISITING THE INJURED

The crew is gathered in the Med Bay, laughing, talking, and drinking with those that were injured in the fighting on the ship.

THE TWO CREWS SHAKING HANDS

The crew of the CF.net and the AH.com are shaking hands as they make their farewells.

WARD
(to Grey Wolf)
He died bravely.

GREY WOLF only nods, unable to say anything.

Fade to black.

OVER BLACK

MAN (Voice Over)
To say that he was our leader, does not describe him.
To say that he was a great man, does not describe him.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – LARGE TEMPLE – DAY

HENDRYK is standing upon a raised step, talking to the gathered AH.com crew, before him is a picture of a grinning DOCTOR WHAT.

HENDRYK
He was our friend.
He was our comrade.
He was our brother.
He was there when we needed him,
He was there when times were tough.
He never let us down.
( a pause)
In the end he gave his life for us.
He made a sacrifice so that we all
should live. Remember him. Who
he was and what he did. For there are
few men like him in the Multiverse.
(Hendryk looks at everyone, taking them all in)
Remember this.
(long pause)
Doctor What died once.
And he rose up again.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS