TEASER

EXT. – ALLEYWAY – NIGHT

The camera zooms through the alleyway. Everything more than three feet away from the perspective of the camera is cloaked with a sheet of rain. Gradually shapes begin to loom out of the darkness and the downpour … a pile of trash … a dumpster … and a woman of indeterminate age lying prone upon the ground. At this distance it is impossible to tell if she is awake or asleep, or indeed even alive or dead.

The camera advances towards her. Suddenly it stops directly in front of her. A closer look reveals that the woman is frighteningly malnourished. A set of tracks run up both arms. Her skin is so grimy that it is still difficult to tell her age or even her ethnicity. Suddenly a voice is heard.

VOICE
Tal_th_, q_m_!

The woman raises herself up on one elbow and looks directly into the camera. At first she appears confused; then she appears frightened. Slowly, she begins to form words:

WOMAN
M_r… man ithakh?

VOICE
Ethqr_t “Msha_y_n_ xad_thn_y_”… zvan.
Tay _am.

The camera retreats, revealing a man kneeling before the woman. The man is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. He helps the woman rise to her feet, and the two of them trudge off into the rain.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

The members of the AH.COM crew are settling down into seats in a small movie theater. STRAHA is noisily munching on some popcorn.

MATT
Pssst… Straha… can I get some of your popcorn?

STRAHA
Umm… let me think about that…
how about, NO?!?!?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, come on, Straha, you took the last tin
of Jiffy-Pop. Under the circumstances, I
think you should share some with the rest of us.

STRAHA
It’s MY POPCORN!
SCREW YOU GUYS!!!!

LEO CAESIUS
(makes digital sound of throat clearing)
Hello and welcome to MovieNite™! Please be seated,
and kindly take a moment to shut off your mobile
phones. Tonight’s scheduled feature will be

UROTSUKIDOJI:
LEGEND OF THE OVERFIEND

CREW
(assorted groans)
Didn’t Hendryk get to pick the film last week?

OTHNIEL
If I have to watch another Japanese schoolgirl
being raped by tentacles, I think I’m going to
jump ship. Why don’t we all watch that film
we picked up in that quaint little town on the
North Shore of Massachusetts? It promises to
be uplifting.

LANDSHARK
I’m not sure I liked the “look” of that Marsh chap that
who sold it to us. There was something fishy about Yank.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sharkie, don’t you say that about every Yank we meet?

LANDSHARK
…your point being?

DOCTOR WHAT
Fair enough. Well, as far as I’m concerned, the film
from Innsmouth sounds fine, unless the rest of you
have any other reservations… No? OK, let’s begin!

LEO CAESIUS
Our feature will begin momentarily!

A phone begins ringing.

SOMEONE
Hello? No, this isn’t a bad time.
Heck, I’ve got like a million minutes.

A muffled shot rings out!

IRON YUPPIE
That was very considerate of you to use a silencer!

WEAPON M
An armed society is a polite society, ma’am.

LEO CAESIUS
(begins to sing off key)
Thank You for Coming to Leo’s!
Sit back and Relax,
Enjoy the Show!

SOMEONE
Oh, God! Someone disable the audio system!

SOMEONE
I kinda like it. It’s got a tune to it…

A muffled shot rings out along with a cry of pain.

Fade to black:

EXT. – SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC – NIGHT

MAN (Voice Over)
la mayyitan ma qadirun yatabaqa sarmadi
fa idha yaji’ ash-shudhadh al-mawtu qad yantahi

The night sky is filled with stars … in perfect alignment. A deep throbbing, with something of a jungle drum in it, and at the same time not unlike the slow beating of an enormous heart, fills the air. It starts off slowly, but gradually begins to pick up speed.

Deep beneath the surface of the sea, something shifts. A sonic boom, muffled as though by miles and miles of water, is carried to the surface with the waves.

The waters begin to percolate. The camera pans out over the scene as … something … begins to emerge from the rolling sea.

The waves pull back to reveal a vast sea of slimy muck, which floats to the surface. Disturbingly, the muck is teaming with slimy things, which crawl with legs upon the slimy sea. Hurled up from the depths of the ocean, where they had been concealed miles away from the sun’s light, these blasphemous creatures take air for the first time in countless millennia.

In the distance looms a gigantic city, carved from the living rock. It is clear that this city was by no human hand constructed. Suggestions of the cyclopean and primordial are writ large upon its time-worn plinths. These same plinths are festooned with flora from the depths of the sea.

The sun rises. Its rays seem to shun the enormity of the sunken city, which somehow remains shrouded in darkness.

As the camera zooms in upon the obscene city, thankfully avoiding direct shots of the strange fauna inhabiting this bizarre island, the audience is puzzled by the lines of the architecture. The buildings give the simultaneous impressions of being vast, sprawling, towering, and yet squat. They form organically, one on top of the other, like barnacles on the hull of a boat, jutting out in angles that are apparently not – could not – be buttressed by any feature. The gestalt of the buildings is something vaguely futuristic while at the same time disturbingly primeval.

The camera cuts to a lumpy, rugose surface ensconced within a darkened chamber. A crack forms in the surface, which widens to reveal a glassy black orb – an eye, vaguely suggestive of the cephalopod. It is impossible to determine the scale of it, given the lack of any standard for comparison, but the audience is given the impression that it is mind-blowingly immense. The beating sound is now joined by a disconcerting flapping, not unlike that of the wings of a bat.

The camera cuts now to an enormous monolithic portal, covered with abstract engravings in bas relief. Although the engravings do not lend themselves to identification with anything within the mortal ken, they fill the viewer with a nameless dread. Framing the bas relief are a series of characters reminiscent of the rongo-rongo script of Rapa Nui. The angle of the camera gives the impression that the portal could be facing the camera directly on, or possibly sunk deep into a pit, or potentially jutting from the ceiling of a room.

The frame freezes upon the portal.

CREW
(collectively)
What the hell was that?

DOCTOR WHAT
(visibly shaken)
Projectors off, Leo!
(a beat)
Leo?

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE NESTORIAN CANDIDATE”

Written By : LEO CAESIUS

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The crew is running around franticly. KIT is tapping a drum beat onto a keyboard with his fingers, yet the only thing shown on his monitor is the image of the cyclopean portal from the movie. Ominously, a hairline crack appears to have opened on one side of it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Have you been able to access Leo yet, KIT?

KIT
He’s not responding to any of my best efforts!

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
This is hardly the time to be flirting with him!

KIT
No, no, what I mean to say is that I can’t get
through to him. All I’m getting is that stupid
still shot from that creepy movie we just watched.
His server must be down.

DOCTOR WHAT
Grey Wolf, are any of the other systems functional?

GREY WOLF
How am I supposed to know? The one on the right
is red, like before, and that one over there is blinking.
So, you really can’t expect me to tell you now!

LANDSHARK
Does anyone else here have the impression that you
only get about half of the conversation with Grey Wolf?

DOCTOR WHAT
(switches on intercom)
Torqumada, can you patch Leo up? He seems to be catatonic!

TORQUMADA
(over intercom)
Dammit, Bruno, I’m a doctor, not an engineer!

DOCTOR WHAT
(to intercom)
… and you’ve been waiting how long to use that line?

TORQUMADA
(over intercom)
Oh, ages, it seems.

Suddenly a series of loud booms, as if from a foghorn, is heard from outside the ship.

KIT
We’re being hailed! I’m opening up the channel!

INTERCOM
N_ jìnrù zh_nggúo de l_ngk_ng!

DOCTOR WHAT
GBW, can you get us a visual on the other ship?

One of the screens opens up to reveal that the AH.COM ship has drifted dangerously close to a planet. In the distance, what appears to be a beast with a body of a snake, the scales and tail of a fish, the head of a deer, and two pairs of talons like eagles, skates over the atmosphere of the planet towards the AH.COM ship. It twists and turns and gyres in a lively fashion around a central axis as it approaches the ship, the sun reflecting off of its iridescent scales.

INTERCOM
N_ jìnrù zh_nggúo de l_ngk_ng!!!

DOCTOR WHAT
This is just fabulous. No sooner does Leo
crash than we get some weird creature
barking at us in some strange language.

HENDRYK
It’s not strange at all… it’s CHINESE!
(listens)
…He’s saying that we’ve entered Chinese airspace.

INTERCOM
W_mén bìx_ j_b_ n_!

HENDRYK
Ut oh!

DOCTOR WHAT
“Ut oh!” What do you mean, “ut oh!”
What’s he saying now?!?

HENDRYK
We’re apparently under arrest.

DOCTOR WHAT
GBW, get us out of here, pronto!

GBW
Negative, Captain. We’re trapped in some kind of tractor beam.

DOCTOR WHAT
Gah! Well, just try to break free or something. You can do that, right?

DAVE HOWERY
(over intercom)
The ship’s engines are operating at full capacity,
captain. She cannae take it anymore…!

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, does anyone else have feel the need to share
classic Star Trek lines with us? Get them out of your
system, now or never!

The AH.COM ship is pulled closer and closer to the beast, which soon fills the horizon with its immensity. The jaw of the beast slowly lowers to reveal a vast docking bay. The AH.COM ship is pulled deftly into the docking bay, where it settles amidst thousands of other ships – one of which, DOCTOR WHAT observes, happens to be the CF.NET ship.

The jaw rises again, trapping the ship within the bay. With a hiss, air fills the bay, and the crew prepares to exit the ship. As they leave, they are greeted by a team of swarthy dacoits and thugs, wielding a variety vicious looking weapons. Any hopes of fighting a hand-to-hand battle wither at the sight of them.

The thugs indicate that the crew is to follow them. The entire party is escorted to stand above a jade panel, and is instantaneously transported to the BRIG.

INT. – I.S.S. QÍLÍN – BRIG – DAY

The crew finds itself standing in a cell. Beside them stand WARD, GRIMM REAPER, FAEELIN, FEDERATION X, and DRACONISNOIR. Standing before the cell is a person, tall, lean and feline, high-shouldered, with a brow like Shakespeare and a face like Satan, a close-shaven skull, and long, magnetic eyes of the true cat-green. He is dressed in yellow silken robes, and a marmoset clings to his shoulder. He clears his throat and begins to speak, hissing in an oddly accented yet flawless English.

CAPTOR
I trust that your stay with us shall be comfortable,
and that you will not attempt to make any more
trouble for yourselves?

DOCTOR WHAT
Who are you, and why are you keeping here?

CAPTOR
My identity is not important. What is important,
my seditious friends, is that you are prevented
from stirring up any further trouble in China’s
Fu Sang province!

DOCTOR WHAT
We don’t know what you’re talking
about! We’re not from around here!

CAPTOR
(laughing)
Yes, that is what the other ones said. Well, if
you are truly not acquainted with the means at our
disposal, I must inform you that in China we have
ways of making people speak the truth!

GRIMM REAPER
It’s true. They have nothing to do with
this, Fu Manchu, and neither do we!

DR FU MANCHU
Is that so? Why, only this morning we intercepted a
transmission from your crewmate, the one you call
“MerryPrankster”

DR FU MANCHU waves his delicate hand, and a screen opens up in the wall adjacent to him. A man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a ski-mask is addressing the screen. Jutting from his mouth at a jaunty angle is a pipe. DR FU MANCHU has turned the sound off.

FAEELIN
Umm… I smell a rat. For starters,
MerryPrankster doesn’t smoke.

The man on the screen lifts his hand to the stem of his pipe thoughtfully, and a stream of bubbles rises out of the bowl.

DR FU MANCHU
Hah! You see, the pipe is a mere child’s toy.
Do you still deny that the seditionist
MerryPrankster is, in fact, your crewmate!

FAEELIN
Our crewmate, yes, but not theirs. We’re not
together. In fact, we can’t stand one another!

DR FU MANCHU
(to the AH.COM crew)
Is this true?

GRIMM REAPER
Absolutely! I can assure you that we wouldn’t
be spotted dead in their company! No sirree!

DR FU MANCHU
Very well. I shall have to think cautiously about
my next move. You may come in handy to me yet.

DR FU MANCHU exits the BRIG, leaving the two crews under the watchful gaze of one of the dacoits. DOCTOR WHAT turns to WARD.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sheepishly)
Umm… Ward, man, how did you end up here?

WARD
We were taken by surprise! A great big flying saucer!
Damn sumbitches docked with us during one of
my slide shows … we would have beaten them off,
too, if it weren’t for the fact that MY ENTIRE CREW
HAD FALLEN ASLEEP!!!

The CF.NET CREW tries to avoid Ward’s steely glare by glancing down at their shoes.

WARD
That damn saucer pumped us full of some kind of
gas! The next thing we know, we’re floating in space,
half our crew is missing, and this big Chinese
whatchamacallit is shouting something about us being
under arrest for trying to “divide the Empire!” Whatever
the hell that means.

FAEELIN
Actually, to be precise, it was a Farohar.

DOCTOR WHAT
Faro-what?

FAEELIN
The ship that waylaid us. It was in the shape
of a Farohar – a winged sun disk, the ancient
symbol of the Egyptian, the Assyrian, and the
Zoroastrian religions.

Once again, the panel on the wall slides down, revealing the screen. DR FU MANCHU appears on the screen, and addresses the dacoit:

DR FU MANCHU
I’ve thought about this long enough. Mostafa,
please escort the second crew to the bridge!

INT. – I.S.S. QÍLÍN – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DR FU MANCHU is seen arguing with a tall, stout and swarthy man with a roguish goatee.

DR FU MANCHU
This is insufficient! Make no further excuses for your
failures. You shall know such pain for your insolence!

FLOCCULENCIO
(getting a little hot under the color)
But… but… 85% of the world’s deposits
of handwavium are located in the
mountainous western region of Fu Sang!
The perfidious Nestorians have disrupted
all of our supply lines!

DR FU MANCHU
(focusing his withering glance upon FLOCC)
Fool! Do you not realize how important handwavium is
to the security of our Empire? Why, without handwavium,
would the Middle Kingdom be the sole and undisputed
overlord of the furthest reaches of the universe and all that
they contain? I think not! You will personally accompany
these men to Fu Sang and reestablish the supply lines from
Jiu_j_nsh_n to Beijing! Now begone, cretin!

DR FU MANCHU’s pet marmoset, PEKO, screeches. FLOCCULENCIO exits, stage left.

DR FU MANCHU
The Son of Heaven has deigned to give you a
chance to prove your loyalty to the Middle
Kingdom. I will give you a moment to express
your gratitude; such an offer is only extended
once in a lifetime.

HENDRYK
(whispers to the rest of the crew)
Kneel, you fools! It’s time to kowtow!

DR FU MANCHU
Several weeks ago, an unprecedented insurrection
broke out in the imperial province of Fu Sang. The
insurrection was confined largely to the Christian
subjects of the Qing Emperor in that province, who
are primarily of the Nestorian faith. Preliminary
intelligence showed that the figure at the center of
this insurrection was none other than the crew
member of the first ship we collected, who goes by
the name of “MerryPrankster.”

Your mission, should you choose to take it, will
consist of intercepting MerryPrankster at his
hideout, located in the southeastern region of Fu
Sang, and eliminating him with extreme prejudice.
We shall restore you to your ship at once and
after the completion of the mission, you shall be
free to go.

DOCTOR WHAT
And if we choose not to take this mission?

DR FU MANCHU
If that is the case, Captain What… and I sincerely
hope, for your sakes, that it is not. In China we
have ways of reaffirming your loyalty to the Dragon
Throne. Very painful ways, as it happens.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT- I.S.S. QÍLÍN – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

THANDE and DR FU MANCHU are huddled deep in thought, trading recipes.

DR FU MANCHU
And you’re absolutely certain that the
Gadolinium will react in such a manner
once it is properly oxidized?

THANDE
Oh, positively… what’s more, if you
saturate a 21 molar solution of Hydrochloric
Acid with the Gadolinium, you can
create a rather nice suspension that will
permit it to be transported safely.

DR FU MANCHU
You are truly a boon. Why, the things I
could do with your knowledge… the
perfidious Nestorians would know the
wrath of the Qing Emperor, I can tell
you that!
(addressing the assembled crew)
Gentlemen (and lady), you are about to
depart for the Fu Sang province of Zhong
Guo. Once you have arrived, you will
contact our deputy in the province.

The crew boards the AH.COM ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DIAMOND
What is that smell? It smells like something
that’s been dead for a long, long time!

HENDRYK
And there’s just a hint of rancid
seaweed in it! Say, that movie we
were watching is still running!

The still from the end of the movie appears on all screens. This time, it is obvious that the cyclopaean portal is partially open. A vague, disquieting suggestion of movement appears in the dark beyond the portal.

DOCTOR WHAT
Alright, boys, enough chit-chat.
We need to get down to the surface
to meet up with their deputy.
Why don’t you send us to the
coordinates which DOCTOR Fu Manchu
gave us, G.Bone?

G.BONE
Are you saying that you’d like me
to “beam you down,” Doctor?

DOCTOR WHAT
Make it so.

INT. – JIÙJ_NSH_N CITY – PROVINCIAL HQ – DAY

The crew materializes in the office of ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS, who is lovingly stroking his Pancor Jackhammer. At the sight of the AH.COM crew, he drops the Pancor Jackhammer, which goes off, firing a hole in the wall.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
YOU ! ! ! !

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why do I get the impression
that he’s not happy to see us?

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS picks up the Pancor Jackhammer and levels it at the crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
Crap. Run for it!

The crew scatter. DMA jumps out the window, MICHAEL runs into a broom closet. MATT and WEAPON M duck down a corridor and out the front door, where they take up strategic positions behind a pair of oversized statues of ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS, which he has apparently erected to himself during his short tenure as deputy. DOCTOR WHAT, OTHNIEL, IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK, and GBW run past MATT and WEAPON M and assemble in the square before the Provincial HQ.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS appears in the open doorway, is greeted with a hail of gunfire from MATT and WEAPON M, and ducks to the right. He returns their fire with a volley of shots from his weapon.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
(his voice quaking with rage)
I’ll kill you all!

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve got you outnumbered. What
exactly are you doing here, anyway?

ROMULUS appears in the doorway briefly and fires a volley of shots in DOCTOR WHAT’s general direction.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
I was deputized by Dr. Fu Manchu
to deal with the Nestorian Menace.

DOCTOR WHAT
(puzzled)
How could you go against your own
crewmate? And why would DOCTOR Fu
Manchu deputize you in the first place?

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Let’s just say I made him
an offer he couldn’t refuse.

DOCTOR WHAT
That being?

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
I begged him to spare my life in exchange
for hunting MerryPrankster down and killing
him. I never liked him very much, anyway.
He always acted like he was better than us.
(a beat)
That’s my job!!

ROMULUS breaks a window to the right of the doorway and starts firing at the crew. WEAPON M riddles the window with bullets and ROMULUS ducks below the sill.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re working for Dr. Fu Manchu as well.
If you stop firing at us and come out now,
we can combine our efforts to find him.

Another window breaks.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
NEVER ! ! ! !
(opens fire from another window)

A mysterious stranger in a white lab coat motions towards the crew from the safety of an alleyway. WEAPON M pulls out a smoke grenade and throws it directly in front of the doorway, creating a diversion. The crew rushes into the alleyway.

MYSTERIOUS STRANGER
Come with me.

LANDSHARK
Who are you? And why
should we follow you?

DMA
(limping)
Yeah, what’s in it for us?

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Well, for starters, I should take
a look at that leg of yours.
My name is Glen Finney, and
I’m a doctor. You’re not from
around here, are you?

LANDSHARK
(with evident sarcasm)
How did you guess?

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Because I have some of your
crewmates back at my clinic.

INT. – JIÙJ_NSH_N CITY – GLEN FINNEY’S CLINIC – DAY

The crew stands before a row of beds with white linen sheets. Restrained into the beds are JUSTIN GREEN, BULGAROKTONOS, FEDERATIONX, and DOMINUS NOVUS.

DOCTOR WHAT
We know these men, but they’re
most definitely not our crewmates!
Why are they here?

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Something’s not right with them.
I suspect that they’ve fallen victim
to some kind of post-hypnotic
suggestion. Do you know the
Nestorian rebel leader,
MerryPrankster?

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s why we’re here! We’re
looking for him on behalf of
the Chinese government!

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Why don’t you try asking them if
they know who MerryPrankster is?

DOCTOR WHAT
(to Justin Green)
Say, about your crewmate,
MerryPrankster…

JUSTIN GREEN
(groggily)
MerryPrankster is the kindest, bravest,
warmest, most wonderful human
being I’ve ever known in my life.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, there’s nothing wrong
with that, now is there?

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Try asking one of the other patients.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to BULGAROKTONOS)
Hey, Bulg… I meant to ask
you something about your
crewmate, MerryPrankster…

BULGAROKTONOS
(groggily)
MerryPrankster is the kindest, bravest,
warmest, most wonderful human
being I’ve ever known in my life.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, now, that’s definitely a little
odd. Why don’t I ask Dom for his
opinion about MerryPrankster?
(to DOMINUSNOVUS)
Hey, Dominus… snap out of it!
I have to ask you something about
MerryPrankster…

DOMINUSNOVUS
(groggily)
MerryPrankster is the kindest, bravest,
warmest, most wonderful human
being I’ve ever known in my life,
other than myself, of course.

GLEN FINNEY, MD
They all respond in the same manner.
Except for that subject. There’s
something not quite right about him.
(a beat)
Under hypnotherapy, they revealed
that they had been brainwashed by
a group of people calling themselves
the Followers of the Living Mani.
Their goal is to destroy the Middle
Kingdom by seizing control of
its supplies of Handwavium…

HENDRYK
NEVER!!!
(a beat)
I mean, gee, really?

GLEN FINNEY, MD
As I was saying, they’ve apparently decided to
use the Nestorians as their cat’s paw. The
Nestorians are the largest minority in Fu Sang,
and their separatist intentions are well known to
all of the Middle Kingdom’s enemies. All they
needed was someone who was sympathetic to their
cause, whom they could manipulate as a pawn in
their efforts to divide and conquer the Middle Kingdom.
(a beat)
If these people have their way… the Middle Kingdom
will look like the Magic Kingdom. And with their own
advanced technology and the wealth of the Middle
Kingdom, they intend to spread their religion
to all of the timelines in the Multiverse.

DOCTOR WHAT
What are their intentions?

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Well, they will start by outlawing meat.
These people are strict vegetarians.

DAVE HOWERY
They can’t do that! I love meat.
Especially big juicy meat!
(pause as everyone looks at him)
You know what I mean!

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Then they will outlaw strong drink.

GREY WOLF
Those bloody bastards! Fuck them all!
Gimmie a gun! I’ll kill ‘em all myself!

GLEN FINNEY, MD
That reminds me. They intend to
make all sexual intercourse a crime.

KIT
(gasps)
The fiends!

DOCTOR WHAT
What can we do to stop them, Dr. Glenn?

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Well, here’s the thing. These patients
keep talking about a place called
“Georgia” but I can’t find it on any
map of the Middle Kingdom.

DOCTOR WHAT
We know where it is. Let’s head there
right away and try to talk some sense
into MerryPrankster.

GLEN FINNEY, MD
(grins evilly)
And if that doesn’t work, there’s
always electroshock therapy.

EXT. – SPACE – THE AH.COM SHIP – NIGHT

The AH.COM ship is hovering in a geosynchronous orbit above the surface of the Middle Kingdom Earth. A second ship, which has the shape of a winged sun disc, is docked with the AH.COM ship.

INT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

Three men stand in the corridor outside the Control Room. They are all dressed in white suits with mandarin collars, arranged over kilts in different primary colors. On top of their heads are tall white objects, reminiscent of chef’s hats. All of them have long, unshorn hair.

One of the men speaks.

PAULUS AVIV
You are certain that the remainder
of the ship has been secured?

HEARER NO. 1
In, Elect of Mani, the interlopers left
behind nothing more than a skeleton crew.
We quickly made short work of them all
and imprisoned them in one of the storage rooms

PAULUS AVIV
And they will not escape?

HEARER NO.1
No, Elect One. We placed a padlock
upon the door. They will not escape.

PAULUS AVIV
Excellent work, Hearer. I pray daily
that your miserable existence in this
world will mercifully be cut short.
(a beat)
I take it then that you had success
in interrogating the prisoners?

HEARER NO. 2
The man responsible for this ship’s
supply of leafy greens volunteered
all of the operation codes for the ship.

PAULUS AVIV
I hope that you did not prolong
his suffering needlessly.

HEARER NO. 2
No, he pretty much offered them
of his own free will. He kept talking
about some kind of “Armageddon.”

PAULUS AVIV
He sounds like he might be
sympathetic to our faith. Once
we have succeeded in our mission
here, perhaps you can induct him
into the Religion of Light.

HEARER NO. 2 enters a code into the keypad beside the control room. The door slides open, revealing a darkened room.

Pull back, and we see the three Manichaeans standing in the corridor of the ship before the open portal.

TIGHT on PAULUS AVIV’s face. For a second, he appears puzzled. Suddenly his look of confusion gives way to abject terror.

Pull back again, and we see that the corridor is empty. The portal closes.

EXT. – FU SANG – GEORGIA – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, OTHNIEL, IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK, GBW, MATT, WEAPON M and GLEN FINNEY, MD stand facing MERRYPRANKSTER and a group of Nestorians.

MERRYPRANKSTER
So you’re telling me the whole
time I’ve been the unwitting
dupe of a bunch of Manichaeans?

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s pretty much the
long and the short of it.

MERRYPRANKSTER
That’s absolutely ridiculous.
Why should I believe you?

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Why don’t you pass the time
by playing some Magic: The
Gathering?

MERRYPRANKSTER mechanically removes a deck of cards from his shirt pocket and methodically starts shuffling them. He lays them out, one by one, until he puts down a “Control Magic” card. Then he stops.

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Tell the Nestorians that it is time
to make peace with the Chinese.

MERRYPRANKSTER turns to the Nestorians and says something in Aramaic. They start arguing, but finally they appear to come to a resolution. MERRYPRANKSTER returns to the group.

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Come back with me now. I
have a few tests I’d like to run.

DOCTOR WHAT
So that’s it? It was that easy?

GLEN FINNEY, MD
Look, if you’d like, I can break
him out of his trance and then
you can deal with him.

DOCTOR WHAT
No, sir! That won’t be necessary!
Our job’s done and we’re so outta here.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is debriefing STRAHA and THANDE.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, something had to break the docking bay,
and something had to release the escape pods!
(a beat)
And why is the Control Room all wet, Straha?

STRAHA
I don’t know, Bruno!

DOCTOR WHAT
So you’re telling me that our ship
was invaded while we were gone
by some other ship in the shape
of a flying sun disc?

STRAHA
That’s right! There must have hundreds of
them! Thande and I tried to fight them off,
but in the end there were just too many of them!

DOCTOR WHAT
So … what happened to these men?

THANDE
That’s the thing, Doc. While we
were locked up in the storage room,
they all simply disappeared! We
didn’t know anything until you
guys showed up and released us.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that’s just great. It will take
months to repair all the damage to
this ship. Something smells really fishy!

STRAHA
I swear we’re telling you the truth!

DOCTOR WHAT
No, I mean, something literally
smells fishy. This whole ship has
a kind of a dank, rotten smell to it.
(a beat)
Well, at least Leo is up and running
again. Let’s set a course for the Hub.
I could really use a drink.

STRAHA
(whispering)
What else is new?

OTHNIEL
Why can’t I shake the feeling that we’ve
left something important behind?

INT. – JIÙJ_NSH_N CITY – PROVINCIAL HQ – NIGHT

MICHAEL
Guys? Guys? Is it
safe to come out yet?

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS