TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.COM ship can be seen drifting listlessly about a planet.

Suddenly an explosion can be seen blossoming toward the rear of the ship. The ship’s running lights fade momentarily and then return.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING – DAY

Smoke everywhere, sparks sparking.

Though the dense cloud of smoke we see DAVE HOWERY coughing, PSYCHOMELTDOWN can be seen dragging and unconscious G.BONE away from a smoking machine.

G.BONE
Oh, god!
The Pain!!!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(horrified)
What the hell happened?

DOCTOR WHAT (over com)
What the hell just happened?

G.BONE
OH GOD!
THE PAIN!!
THE PAIN!!!

DOCTOR WHAT (OC)
What are you doing to my ship!
Hello?
Is anyone there?

DAVE HOWERY pokes his head up from behind a smoking machine. He hands PSYCHOMELTDOWN a cup.

DAVE HOWEYR
Try it. It tastes okay.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(surprised)
Hey. It does.

DOCTOR WHAT (OC)
What’s going one? You’re
supposed to be fixing the ship!

DAVE HOWERY (into com)
Hey. The ship was repaired yesterday.
What those Cffers did to us, has been fixed.
I told you this

DOCTOR WHAT (OC)
Oh. What are you guys doing?

DAVE HOWERY
Making an espresso.

DOCTOR WHAT (OC)
Oh.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Should we do something about G.Bone?

G.BONE
(whimpering)
Help me..
Please…

DAVE HOWERY
Let him walk it off.
He’s not hurt at all..

G.BONE screams as DAVE HOWERY nudges him with his foot.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, I guess we could call Torq…

G.BONE continues to sob in pain..

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“HAMSTERS OF THE INQUISITION”

Written By: DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Several crew members are lined up in preparation for an away mission. DOCTOR WHAT is walking along inspecting them. He passes MATT in full powered armor, plasma rifle charged and ready. Next is WEAPON M, loaded down with so many weapons you can hardly see his shirt. Then it’s IRONYUPPIE, electric Chinese yoyo in one hand and baseball bat slung across her back. DOCTOR WHAT stops and opens his mouth to say something, but Yuppie glares at him, and he moves on. DIAMOND is next in line, two claw hammers on a bandolier on his chest, and two Colt six shooters holstered at his hips. Next up is OTHNIEL, a single .45 Colt automatic at his belt. DOCTOR WHAT stops in front of the last crew member, DAVE HOWERY, holding his adamantium chainsaw.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good God, has it been six months already?

DAVE HOWERY
Yep. You said I could go on the first away
mission to come up after six months passed.

DOCTOR WHAT
I did? Oh yeah, I did.
Damn I must have been drunk.

DIAMOND
When aren’t you?

Everyone laughs.

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring the laughing)
OK, Dave, you remember just what it was
that got you banned from away missions
for six months?

DAVE HOWERY
(hangs head)
Yes. But I saved you guys from
being mind controlled that last time…

DOCTOR WHAT
(snorts)
MATT and G.bone saved us.
(MATT nods)
Now. You remember just what you have to
promise to be allowed to go on this one?

DAVE HOWERY
(sighing dejectedly)
I promise not to try to conquer Canada, damn it!

KIT
And don’t hit on the president’s daughter,
like you did on that timeline where Clinton
was a 4 term president.

DAVE HOWERY
Ya know, we didn’t have any problems
there until you hit on Al Gore!

KIT
But… he has that dark hair.. and blue eyes.
. and square jaw..

MATT
Oh, and if there is a Brooklyn Bridge here,
don’t saw through the supports and bring it crashing down.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, the guy who stole my wallet was getting
away across it, how else was I supposed to get it back?

DIAMOND
(sotto voice)
Christ. Why do we have this guy on our ship?

MATT
(also sotto voice)
He’s the chief engineer?

DIAMOND
Not a good one though.

MATT
He’s an expert on the Alamo and
War of Texan Independence?

DIAMOND
That’s still not a good reason.

WEAPON M
Come on guys, you know we keep him here
because he’s the only one who knows
how to program the VCR.

DIAMOND
Oh yeah.

OTHNIEL
And, Dave, if there is an Internet here,
don’t crash it trying to download e
very stored porn database all at once.

DAVE HOWERY
That wasn’t me, it was DOCTOR WHAT!

DOCTOR WHAT
(hurriedly)
Never mind, we’re wasting time here. Leo,
what can you tell us about this timeline?

LEO CAESIUS
Fascinating. Utterly fascinating.

DOCTOR WHAT
What is?

LEO CAESIUS
It’s shocking. Amazing.
How could this have happened?

ENTIRE AWAY TEAM
WHAT?!

LEO CAESIUS
The linear B version of written southern Akkadian
has an umlaut that is declinated laterally! Astonishing!

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh.. that’s great, Leo. But why did you tell us
we needed to be armed for bear on this world?

LEO CAESIUS
There seems to be a lot of unrest in the USA here.
US troops are in action in large numbers in California
and the western mountain states. The eastern half
of the country seems calm, but there are an enormous
number of surveillance satellites in orbit over that area,
monitoring everything. There is a debris field in orbit
over the west half of the country; the remains of yet
more satellites, which have been destroyed.
There are only a few left there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm. What about the rest of the world?

LEO CAESIUS
Not much seems to be happening. Low level
border conflicts at most. But… Rome and
Jerusalem have been destroyed by nuclear
blasts sometime recently. And Canada has
massed most of it’s army on the US border.

DAVE HOWERY
What, all 12 of them?

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t like going down in the midst of a civil war.
Is there anything we really need down there?

EVERYONE (except OTHNIEL)
BOOZE!!

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it, did we run out again?!

MATT
Well, Grey Wolf had a party….

DOCTOR WHAT
I should have known. Well, I still don’t
want to go down there. You’ll just have
to wait until the next timeline.

LEO CAESIUS
Dr., I should inform you that your entire porn
collection has been erased from the main computer.

DOCTOR WHAT
(stunned)
All of it?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes.

DOCTOR WHAT
No more threesomes, foursomes, or fivesomes movies?

LEO CAESIUS
Nope.

DOCTOR WHAT
No more bondage or spanking movies?

LEO CAESIUS
All gone.

DOCTOR WHAT
Crap! Who would do such a thing?!

Everyone looks at OTHNIEL, who looks nonchalantly at his shoes.

DOCTOR WHAT
To the shuttle!

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

An AH.COM shuttle speeds toward the earth.

INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY

The away team is packed tightly inside, except for IRONYUPPIE, who glares at the others and toys with her electric yoyo… the others give her plenty of room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Remember the mission plan, guys.

WEAPON M
Uh… get porn and booze?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… yeah… but also, stay out of trouble.
Don’t start fights, don’t insult the locals,
and don’t take sides in this war. We get in,
get supplies, and get out fast. Where are we
landing anyway?

MATT
Leo picked out a wooded area near DC
that seems to be free of troops

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The shuttle heads towards the eastern seaboard of the USA.

EXT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – DAY

Dawn is breaking over the capital city, and the away team appears from out of a grove of trees. DOCTOR WHAT points to a suburb off in the distance, and the team walks in that direction.

EXT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – STREET – DAY

The away team is walking down a very neat and tidy street. The people who pass by look curiously at the heavily armed team, but say nothing and hurry on their way.

MATT
Weird. It looks peaceful enough here,
but everyone seems afraid of something.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmmm… do you suppose there are
guerrillas operating here?

WEAPON M
Maybe, but I don’t see any damage
or guardposts or sentries.

Suddenly, a loud buzzing sound is heard from somewhere off camera. The away team looks around but sees nothing that would have caused it.

DOCTOR WHAT
That was strange. Let’s check it out.

The team moves up to a cross street and rounds the corner. They stop in surprise, and the camera shifts to their point of view. A man in black robes and hood stands looking down at a woman quaking in fear on the ground. A huge holographic hand hangs in the air over her, index finger pointing down accusingly. A squad of soldiers in black body armor and helmets stands behind the robed man, grinning nastily as they hold their assault rifles.

INQUISITOR
Accursed one! You have turned your back
on our Perfect Society and embraced the
foolish ways of the Dark Ages! For this
betrayal, you shall be given over to… The Torture!

WOMAN
(sobbing)
No! Please! Have mercy! It was only a slip
of the tongue! I am not one of the Forbidden Ones!

INQUISITOR
Save your lies for the torturer, enemy!
You dared to utter a Forbidden Name
and have betrayed yourself!

He turns his back on the woman. Two soldiers grab her arms and drag her to a van The holographic hand disappears. The camera moves back to the away team, who are looking on in confusion.

IRONYUPPIE
Well, that… that was… can anyone tell
me just what that was all about?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that’s why everyone seems so afraid,
I guess. But what was her crime?
We need to be careful here.

WEAPON M
That black robed doofus said something
about a Forbidden Name. What do you
suppose that means? Why can saying a
name be a crime? For Christ’s sake, you’d think….

A loud buzzing name sounds directly over the team, and a huge holographic hand appears in the air, finger pointing down at WEAPON M, who looks at it in shock. The INQUISITOR and his soldiers turn around at the disturbance, and start moving towards them.

MATT
Uh oh.

IRONYUPPIE
Ok, fearless leader, what do we do now?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… uh….

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering)
Men! Useless damn creatures…
(loudly)
Weapons out!

The away team brings all weapons to bear. Guns are cocked, a plasma rifle hums, a chainsaw snarls, and an electric yoyo sparks. The troops hesitate, when they see this, but the INQUISITOR seems oblivious and walks right up to the team.

INQUISITOR
Another Forbidden one in our midst!
What a glorious day for our Perfect Society!
(looking at WEAPON M)
Accursed One! You have turned your back
on our Perfect Society and…

The INQUISITOR’s eyes wander to OTHNIEL, and he stops in mid speech.

INQUISITOR
You!
(looking at DAVE HOWERY)
And you!
(looking at DIAMOND, fury on his face)
And you!! The three great enemies of
the Most High! All here together!
What plot is this?! No matter…
the resistance shall be crushed today.
Get them!

The INQUISITOR waves his arms forward, and the soldiers howl and charge the team. The camera mercifully moves to a high angle over the city. The battle cannot be seen, but heavy gunfire can be heard, along with the gritty sound of a chainsaw slicing through bone and an occasional electric ZAP. When the noises end, the camera moves back to the away team. They are surrounded by the remains of the soldiers, weapons smoking and bloodied, but the team is unharmed. The INQUISITOR stands alone now, looking scared.

WEAPON M
I shall decline on being arrested today.
Got a problem with that, pencilneck?

The INQUISITOR swallows nervously, but he looks again at DIAMOND, and a look of sheer hate comes over his face. He looks straight up to the sky.

INQUISITOR
Code 1! Code 1! The Three are here!
Send forces now! Release the Vel…

He stops as IRONYUPPIE’s electric yoyo hits him square on the forehead. He staggers, runs around in a circle, falls down, and makes swimming motions on the ground.

IRONYUPPIE looks at her yoyo in disappointment.

IRONYUPPIE
It must need recharging…
should’ve dropped him like a rock.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, this is just great!
No porn or booze on this trip!
We’ll have to retreat and
try another timeline.

The team members look at each other woefully

MATT
No whiskey for days!

WEAPON M
No beer!

DOCTOR WHAT
No lesbian sex toy orgies!

Everyone nods, all looking sad.

DIAMOND
Did you notice that guy seemed
to recognize some of us? Do you
suppose our counterparts are on
the other side of the war here?

DAVE HOWERY
Neat! Maybe I’m a general here!

DIAMOND
Well, it’s better than that timeline
where you were a famous male
underwear model.
(shudders)

DAVE HOWERY
Ha ha. Well, that robed idiot hated
you more than the rest of us. Your
counterpart must be really annoying
here, which seems to be a constant
on every timeline.

DOCTOR WHAT
Knock it off, guys. Well, might as
well go back to the shuttle.

WEAPON M
Uh, guys? What do I do about that?

WEAPON M points up to the holographic hand above him. He steps to the right, and the hand follows him.

WEAPON M
I can’t have a giant hand pointing at me
everywhere I go. People will laugh at me.

OTHNIEL
We do that anyway.

DAVE HOWERY
The transmitters can’t have much range.
It should fade when we get further away.

MATT
Hey, who do you think that guy was
talking to there at the end? The clouds?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m guessing the satellites. Now we
know why there are so many of them
up there… they are monitoring everything
people say. It’s something out of 1984!
He was calling for help. We’d better get moving.

The rumble of truck engines is head all around the team, as well as odd high pitched chittering noises.

MATT
Too late!

IRONYUPPIE
What do we do?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… Uh…

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering)
Men! If it wasn’t for the 4 or 5 hours of sex
you get out of them every day, they wouldn’t
be worth their weight in fertilizer.
(loudly)
Weapons out! Perimeter defense!

The team members form a circle, weapons pointing out in all directions. Military trucks roll in from all sides and soldiers leap out of them, assault rifles at the ready. Around the trucks comes dozens of nightmarish creatures. They are huge rodents built on the frame of a carnosaur: bipedal, long tails, short arms with long claws, long necks, and maws full of sharp fangs. Small antennas stick up out of their heads, and a low beeping sound can be heard coming from them. The creatures snarl and chitter and advance on the team. These are deadly velocihamsters, the product of incredibly insane genetic engineering.

DOCTOR WHAT
COOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!

WEAPON M
Hey! The hand’s gone!

The team looks up at the empty air over WEAPON M’s head.

DIAMOND
Great. Now, instead of people laughing
at you, you’re going to be torn apart
by giant rodents. Is that better?

WEAPON M
Well….

A booming voice comes out of the sky over the team.

VOICE
Stand and be judged, Accursed Ones!
Submit to the forces of the Most High.
Resistance is futile!

DIAMOND
I know that voice…

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at DIAMOND with irritation)
So do I. Now I know why they hate you here so much.

A huge holographic face appears above the team, a face void of any human emotion. Pitiless, merciless, passionless. It looks down on the team like a man looks down on ants. A collective groan is heard from the team.

IRONYUPPIE
Of course!

OTHNIEL
That explains everything.

DAVE HOWERY
Who else would set up such a screwed up world!

DIAMOND
Only him. Michael Elliott Johnson.

Fade to Black

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – STREET – DAY

The AH.COM away team is faced with a number of heavily armed black armored troops, carrying assault weapons, and terrifyingly of all, velocihamsters. A black robed INQUISITOR steps out of the ranks of soldiers.

INQUISITOR
Surrender or die!

WEAPON M
Screw you!

DIAMOND
Eat lead!

DAVE HOWERY
Bite me!

IRONYUPPIE
Make me!

MATT
Kiss my hairy red ass!

OTHNIEL
No!

DOCTOR WHAT
(whispering to OTHNIEL)
No?! That’s the best you could come up with?

OTHNIEL shrugs.

MATT
You’ll never take us alive!!!

INQUISITOR
(evilly)
So be it!
Attack!!!!

Cut to:

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C – WOODED AREA –DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, DIAMOND, MATT, WEAPON M, and IRONYUPPIE appear, limping and bloody. IRONYUPPIE carries a bloodstained cardboard box. They are nearing where the shuttle is parked. The team enters the shuttle and shuts the ramp behind them.

INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY

The team members collapse wearily into chairs, except for IRONYUPPIE, who sets the box on the floor. We see a bloodied hand slowly rise from the box and hear a sickening gurgling sound.

IRONYUPPIE
Well, here’s OTHNIEL.
(a beat)
Most of him, anyway.

DIAMOND leans forward, looks in the box, and looks faintly ill.

DIAMOND
Ick! Can Torq fix him?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
Why not? He’s had to deal with worse.
Stitch him back together, grow a few
new parts in the cloning tanks,
and he’s good as new.
Right, Oth?

Gurgling.

MATT.
That’s good. Still, we failed.
No booze, no porn. And I really
wanted a good bottle of Wild Turkey.

WEAPON M
Budweiser!

IRONYUPPIE
A good white zinfandel!

DOCTOR WHAT
Bisexual interracial fisting orgies!

DIAMOND
Keystone Light!

Everyone looks uneasily at DIAMOND and shuffles away from him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, at least we got away.
Man, what a mess we left behind!
Let’s prepare for takeoff. We’ll just have
to get booze and porn in the next timeline.
(looks accusingly at DIAMOND)
Why is it that every third or fourth timeline we go to,
you and MEJ are in a blood feud?

DIAMOND
I dunno. Why are you a porn star in
every third or fourth timeline we go to?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh.. never mind.

MATT
Well, without porn or booze,
what will we do for entertainment?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, let’s see what they have for TV here.

He goes over to the ship’s computer and punches a few keys.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey! They have 16 different porn channels
on cable here! Ooh! They’re showing
“Naughty Backdoor Nurses” tonight…
and “Coed Spanking Slumber Parties IV”
too! Damn! They’re both on at the same time.

DIAMOND
No problem, Dave can set it up so you can
watch one and record the other. Right, Dave?

Silence.

DIAMOND
Dave??

Silence.

DIAMOND
(looking around the shuttle)
Where is Dave?

The team looks around the shuttle, but DAVE HOWERY is nowhere to be seen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh hell.

EXT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – DAY

This is a vast domed structure of white marble. The camera moves in towards the entrance, a pair of massive oaken doors. A banner hangs over the door, showing a group of racially diverse people with rather Prozac-like smiles on their faces and hands raised in greeting. The legend on the banner reads “Moving Towards A Perfect New World Order”.

INT . – INQUISITOR PALACE – AUDIENCE CHAMBER – DAY

The camera swings around to show a vast domed chamber supported by a single massive column in the center of the room. The camera moves forward, showing a high ornate throne set against the wall. Michael Elliot Johnson is seated on it. The throne is gleaming gold and silver, decorated with rare jewels and ivory scrollwork. A cloth-of-gold banner above it reads “MOST HIGH INQUISITOR”. A folding chair is set on the floor by the throne; NAPOLEON XIV sits on it. A small handwritten sign taped to the chair reads “SECOND MOST HIGH INQUISITOR”. Two soldiers enter the room, dragging a handcuffed DAVE HOWERY between them. They drop him in front of the throne. Another soldier enters, carrying Dave’s adamantium chainsaw. He sets it on the ground. DAVE HOWERY looks blearily up at the throne and painfully gets up onto his knees. MEJ clears his throat and NAPOLEON XIV leaps to his feet.

NAPOLEON XIV
Hear ye hear ye! The Most High Inquisitor
shall address you now. All hearken to
his voice, his wit, his wisdom!

NAPOLEON XIV sits back down and the soldiers all bow to the throne.

MEJ
So. This is the great rebel leader.
Here. That’s odd.

NAPOLEON XIV
Yes, it is odd, Most High. I just spoke to our general
in Montana, and he insists that DAVE HOWERY
is in the field against him there right now.
How can he be here too?

NAPOLEON XIV walks over to the adamantium chainsaw and nudges it with his foot.

NAPOLEON XIV
And this is not his usual choice of weapons.

MEJ
(looking at DAVE HOWERY)
You have my permission to speak and
yammer out your feeble explanations, worm.

DAVE HOWERY
Gosh, thanks. Uh… would you
believe I’m his twin brother?

MEJ
No.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh… a clone?

MEJ
No.

DAVE HOWERY
Fine. Would you believe
I’m an alternate DAVE HOWERY
from another timeline?

MEJ
Actually, yes.

DAVE HOWERY
Really? Wow!
No one ever believes that!

MEJ
Your ship was seen by our satellites
as it exited from some sort of vortex.
The energy signature measured could
only be from one source: trans-
dimensional travel. Your shuttle was
seen as it entered our atmosphere.
And of course, the weapons your raiders
carried when they basely attacked my
loyal servants are like nothing on this
world. It is not so hard to believe that
you are from another timeline. And
your purpose here is easily known too:
you conspire with my enemies to destroy me!

DAVE HOWERY
Actually, we came to buy booze and porn….

MEJ
Do not lie to me, worm! Such technology
at your disposal, and you tell me that it is
used for such trivial things?! You are
Christian fanatics from another dimension
come here to conspire with my enemies and
bring down our Perfect Society. You want
to put the chains of superstition and fraud
of the Dark Ages back on our wrists!

DAVE HOWERY
Wait. You think our crew is a bunch of
fanatic Christians? Are you kidding?
Most of us won’t get to Heaven unless
they lower their standards a lot. A whole lot.
Way way down. Almost to the vanishing point.
And most of us still wouldn’t make it.

MEJ
Enough lies! I now pass judgment upon you.
You have slain dozens of our loyal servants
and conspired with our enemies.
I sentence you to… The Torture!

NAPOLEON XIV and the soldiers gasp, while DAVE HOWERY looks on blankly. The soldiers take hold of DAVE HOWERY and his chainsaw and drag them through the east door of the chamber. The camera lingers on a sign above the door: “Abandon Hope, All Ye That Enter Here.”

EXT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE – EVENING

The camera shows the exterior of the shuttle. Loud voices can be heard arguing inside it.

INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE – EVENING

DOCTOR WHAT
He was right behind you!
When did you lose track of him?

DIAMOND
Probably when that big frickin’
hamster was trying to chew on
my groin. That has a way of
distracting a guy, ya know?!
Besides, IRONYUPPIE was
behind me too.. why didn’t
she see anything?

IRONYUPPIE
Well, I was just a LITTLE busy
picking up pieces of OTHNIEL!
Not that any of YOU could be
bothered to do that! Men!
Leave it the woman to deal
with the messy stuff!

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok, ok. Well, he’s in the enemy hands
for sure. What do we do about it?

WEAPON M
We… could… leave him there?

MATT, IRONYUPPIE, and DIAMOND look happy at that. DOCTOR WHAT seems annoyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine. Which one of you is going to read
the manual and program the VCR so I
can watch two porn movies at once?

MATT
Oh, all right, we’ll rescue him.
Damn, the things we have to
do for your porn addiction…

DOCTOR WHAT
Let me contact the ship first.

DOCTOR WHAT pushes the communications button on the computer panel.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! You there? How’s things on board?

LEO CAESIUS
(sounding oddly disturbed for a computer)
Dr.! Please tell me you’re on the way back.
The crew is going insane without porn or
booze! Grey Wolf has taken hostages in
the hydroponics bay. KIT and Abdul
got into a HUGE fight. GBW is sitting
in your chair with a shotgun and looking
funny at everyone. G Bone hasn’t been
seen for days… I think HENDRYK ate
him! And Psycho keeps sobbing in the
Battle Room. You don’t want to know what
Straha and DMA are doing to the SHEEP.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry, Leo, we’re still on the surface. We
have one more thing to do here. Now, There’s
a box I want you to beam straight to the medical bay.

With a crack, the bloody cardboard box (upon someone has helpfully written “OTHNIEL chunks”) vanishes.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right, everyone reload, recharge,
whatever. We’re going back in.
And we’re not leaving without DAVE!

Everyone groans.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – DUNGEONS – NIGHT

Two soldiers lead DAVE HOWERY down a corridor and stop in front of a metal door. As they fumble with the key, DAVE HOWERY looks around and sees a soundproofed window on the opposite wall. He looks through it and sees the woman who was taken by the Inquisitors earlier that day. She is strapped hand and foot to a large metal chair, but is slumped over in it, obviously dead. Her eyes are blank, her face is expressionless, and gooey brain gel is dribbling out of her ears. DAVE HOWERY looks at her horrified, until a soldier’s hand grabs his collar and yanks him away. The soldiers shove him through the doorway and the metal door slams shut. The camera pulls back, showing a silent empty corridor.

INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE – NIGHT

The remaining team members are lined up, ready to go. Everyone is cleaned up and loaded for bear. DOCTOR WHAT lowers the ramp and waves everyone forward. The team jogs down the ramp.

EXT. – WASHINGTON D.C – NIGHT

The away team is moving quickly towards the suburbs of DC, when MATT, on point, suddenly stops and waves everyone to a halt. A squad of tough looking men in camo fatigues has surrounded them, M-16s pointed and ready.

MATT
Well, this rescue mission ended in a hurry.

WEAPON M
Wait. These don’t look like the
government troops we saw earlier.

VOICE (OS)
We’re not from the government.

The team members all look to their left, and the camera swings around to show the squad leader. He is ALT. DIAMOND, who looks a lot like DIAMOND (of course) but is leaner, more muscular, and is missing his left arm below the elbow. DIAMOND and ALT. DIAMOND stare at each other in shock.

ALT. DIAMOND
So, it’s true. You are from another timeline.

DIAMOND
What did you do to my arm?
Uh, your arm. Our arm.
You know what I mean!

ALT. DIAMOND
It’s a long story.
(turning to DOCTOR WHAT)
We need to talk.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – TORTURE CHAMBER – NIGHT

DAVE HOWERY sits in a metal chair, ankle and wrist straps immobilizing him. Looking around, he sees a soundproofed window on the wall by the door. Otherwise, the room is bare except for a small table with a CD player on it. NAPOLEON XIV opens the door and walks in.

NAPOLEON XIV
Your sentence is to be carried out now.
If you like, I will allow you a moment
to mumble useless prayers to your non-
existent God to save your non-existent soul.

DAVE HOWERY
Can I have a beer instead?

NAPOLEON XIV
You won’t need beer anymore.

DAVE HOWERY
What! Never!
(glares)
Do your worse!!!

NAPOLEON XIV takes a CD case out of his pocket. DAVE HOWERY sees the cover and visibly pales.

DAVE HOWERY
You…. You wouldn’t!
That’s insanely cruel!
No one could be so fiendish!

NAPOLEON XIV ignores him and puts the CD into the player. He pushes a button and hurries out of the room, shutting the door behind him. DAVE HOWERY, stark terror on his face, flexes and squirms, trying to get free, but to no avail. The music starts playing… it is the horrible sound of Celine Dion singing the rap version of “Muskrat Love”. The camera shifts to the corridor outside, where NAPOLEON XIV is watching through the window. In spite of the soundproofing, DAVE HOWERY’s anguished scream can be faintly heard. NAPOLEON XIV laughs and walks away.

INT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – REBEL SAFE HOUSE – NIGHT

The away team is seated around a table in a dimly lit room. Rebel soldiers stand guard at the doors and windows. ALT. DIAMOND walks in and seats himself at the table. He takes off his military cap and puts it on the table, then rubs his head wearily.

ALT. DIAMOND
I suppose you have some questions.

DIAMOND
Well, first, just who are you on this world?

ALT. DIAMOND
Captain of the resistance in Northern California.
OTHNIEL is the leader of the resistance in Utah
and Idaho, while DAVE HOWERY leads those in
Montana and Wyoming. Those are the three biggest
groups, but we have sympathizers everywhere.
We even have spies here in DC itself,
which is how we found out about you.

DOCTOR WHAT
And this government you’re rebelling against.
Just how in hell did this world do anything
so insane as to let MEJ be in charge of everything?
On most timelines, he is forbidden specifically
by name to be elected for anything.

ALT. DIAMOND
It all began back in the 80s when radical atheist
fundamentalists began to take over the government.
They took over every branch of the government
and came to dominate politics so completely that
it was impossible for moderates to win anything.
MEJ was a fast riser in this system and was
elected president in 2000. Then, after the catholic
terrorists attacked on 9/11, he declared martial law,
and began the Inquisition against the Christians.

WEAPON M
Radical… atheist… fundamentalists? That’s… bizarre.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wha… Catholic terrorists did 9/11?!

ALT. DIAMOND
Of course. In response for the nuking of …

DOCTOR WHAT
Rome! MEJ nuked the Vatican!
Jerusalem too, I suppose.

WEAPON M
Hey! I’m an atheist!
Am I a big shot on this world?

ALT. DIAMOND
Uh… no. Actually, you were a big shot,
but MEJ used you as a scapegoat for the
nuking of Rome and sentenced you to the
salt mines of Utah, where you died of thirst in 2002.

WEAPON M
I’m dead? In 2002? Before I had my threesome?
How tragic!

DIAMOND
(muttering)
Salt mines. DAVE HOWERY would be so happy.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok. So, just what do you need from us?
And why are you here instead of California?

ALT. DIAMOND
Well…. MEJ is planning something.
You have to realize that our two sides
are deadlocked. They can’t crush us,
we can’t take land here in the east.
All our intelligence indicates that MEJ
is planning something to break this
stalemate, but we don’t know what.
We need to find out what’s he’s planning.
You need to get in to rescue DAVE HOWERY.
We have blueprints of the palace, you
have the firepower. We could work
together to accomplish all our goals.

DOCTOR WHAT looks at the rest of the team, who all nod in agreement.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok, you’ve got a deal.

ALT. DIAMOND
Excellent! Since DAVE HOWERY is
such an important person on this world,
I thought he must be on yours too, and
you’d be eager to rescue him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… right.

MATT
Wanna trade our version for yours?

ALT. DIAMOND
Why? Can yours run a guerilla
campaign in the mountains too?

MATT
(proudly)
No, but he can program a VCR!

ALT. DIAMOND
Any damn fool can do that!

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course. Let’s have a look at those blueprints.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – TORTURE ROOM – NIGHT

DAVE HOWERY sags against his restraints, sobbing in agony. The music ends and DAVE HOWERY looks up hopefully, but the CD player is on a continual play loop, and the music starts again. DAVE HOWERY twitches in pain, tears running down his face.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – AUDIENCE CHAMBER – NIGHT

MEJ stands in front of his throne, hands clasped behind his back, deep in thought. NAPOLEON XIV walks in and bows.

NAPOLEON XIV
Everything is ready. Your command
is all that is needed to set your
final solution into motion.

MEJ
At last. Finally, we will crush the
rebellion once and for all. Nothing
will stand in the way of creating our
Perfect Society, free of any taint of
the Dark Ages superstition.

MEJ takes a remote control device out of his pocket and pushes a button. Three wall panels above the throne retract, revealing three huge monitors. He pushes another button and a monitor lights up. It shows a vista of Utah’s desert mountains.

MEJ
Unleash the Mechahamsters!

On the monitor, it can be seen that the side of a mountain comes crashing down, revealing a huge cave. Out of the cave comes five huge mechs, all shaped like bipedal hamsters, but the ‘arms’ are weapons platforms bristling with rocket launchers and chain guns. MEJ pushes another button and the second monitor lights up, showing a view of a Montana pine forest.

MEJ
Release the Great Black Flumph of Doom!

The monitor shows a vast shadow covering the forest. A huge flat disc shaped flying creature, wider than the Astrodome, flies into the scene. It has a fringe of long tentacles hanging down, and a wide gash of a mouth on the bottom, dripping acidic drool. MEJ pushes another button and the last monitor lights up, showing a view of a California redwood forest.

MEJ
And finally… send out the Endless Swarm!

The monitor shows a sinkhole suddenly opening in the earth. Out of it comes wave after wave of velocihamsters, all chittering in vicious killing frenzy. All have small antennas implanted in their heads, emitting a low beeping sound.

MEJ
At last! Our victory will soon be complete!
None will dare stand against us now!
Today, the nation will be united under
our rule. Later, the whole world will be ours!

NAPOLEON XIV
I live to grovel in your presence!

EXT. – NORTHERN CALIFORNIA – REBEL CAMP – NIGHT

The camera rolls through the redwood trees. Tough looking men in camo fatigues are seen moving around. The camera focuses on one man and moves in closer. It is ATL STRAHA, an incredibly fit, trim, muscled, and healthy man, a paragon of clean living. A rebel soldier runs up to him and salutes.

REBEL SOLDIER
Sir! Something’s happening on the front lines!
Our outposts are being overrun!

ATL STRAHA and the rebel run to over to a nearby ridge and look on the valley below. A vast wave of writhing brown fur is rolling forward towards the rebel camp. Screams and brief flurries of gunfire can be heard.

ATL STRAHA
Sweet Jesus! Get me the satellite phone!

INT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – SEWER TUNNELS – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT
Man, this stinks! Are you sure
this leads to the palace?

ALT. DIAMOND
Yes, the plans are clear about that.

MATT
Damn it, they’ll be able to smell
us coming a mile away.

WEAPON M
(muttering)
We can always smell
you coming a mile away.

MATT
I heard that!

A beeping sound is heard coming from ALT. DIAMOND’s pocket. He snaps his fingers and the rebel squad halts. He takes a satellite phone out of his pocket and talks into it.

ALT. DIAMOND
Straha? Straha!
Are you there? Report!

The away team look at each other in disbelief, mouthing ‘Straha?” DOCTOR WHAT waves for silence.

EXT. – NORTHERN CALIFORNIA – REBEL CAMP – NIGHT

The camp is sheer bedlam, as velocihamsters race through it attacking rebels who fight back with rifles and pistols. ATL STRAHA is dodging through the melee, one hand holding the phone to his ear, and the other holding a Colt .45 automatic. A velocihamster lunges at him and ATL STRAHA shoots it through the head, dropping it at his feet.

ATL STRAHA
Sir! The camp is lost. I’m ordering a retreat!
We’ll try to regroup at..

Two velocihamsters charge at him and are gunned down. ATL STRAHA suddenly turns to his right, and a look of brief horror crosses his face. ‘

Tight on a velocihamster fanged mouth.

Cut to:

INT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – SEWER TUNNELS – NIGHT

ALT. DIAMOND is listening as the phone suddenly goes dead. He puts the phone back in his pocket.

ALT. DIAMOND
We’re too late. It’s begun.

DIAMOND
Well, maybe we should keep going.
If we can grab MEJ, maybe we can
force him to put a stop to all this.

ALT. DIAMOND
That’s our only hope at this point.
Let’s go, the whole resistance
movement is in danger of collapse.

EXT. – NORTHWESTERN UTAH – REBEL CAMP – NIGHT

The camera sweeps across a magnificent view of desert mountains. A rebel soldier in desert fatigues, MIDGARDMETAL, stands on the edge of a cliff, looking over the scenery through binoculars. He turns, and we see he is deeply bronzed and sporting a military buzz cut.

MIDGARDMETAL
Captain! I think they’re up to something!

The camera shifts to the rebel headquarters, where the rebel captain is standing by a table with maps spread over it. He is ATL OTHNIEL, a rather gaun person. He has a livid scar running down the left side of his face and that eye is covered with a black patch decorated with a small silver cross. He walks over by MIDGARDMETAL and looks out over the desert. His forces are solidly entrenched on the desert floor below, secure in bunkers and weapons pits bristling with heavy weapons. A low ridge several miles away can be seen. A huge dust cloud is rising behind it, raised by something unseen.

MIDGARDMETAL
You think they’ll attack again today?

ATL OTHNIEL
Looks like it. You’d think the last
asskicking we gave them would
have sunk in… yep, here they come.

The camera switches to the ridge, where lines of Inquistor soldiers and battle tanks can be seen charging over it. Heavy weapons fire from the rebel lines smashes into them, leaving tanks burning and soldiers down on the ground.

ATL OTHNIEL
I don’t like this. They aren’t so dumb
as to charge straight into our defenses.
They’re up to something.

MIDGARDMETAL is watching the battle through binoculars, and suddenly stiffens in surprise.

MIDGARDMETAL
What the hell is that?

ATL OTHNIEL looks up. He sees a huge gleaming metallic object coming into view on the ridge. It is the head of one of the Mechahamsters. One at a time they appear, until all five are standing on the ridge, each a massive construct of burnished steel. They walk down the ridge towards the battle. Rockets and chain gun fire lance from their hands into the rebel lines, destroying heavy weapons and men.

ATL OTHNIEL
(with utter calm)
This just got complicated.
Let’s get down there.

INT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – SEWER TUNNELS – NIGHT

The away team and rebels stop at a ladder going up the tunnel wall.

ALT. DIAMOND
This is the one. It should lead up to an
old storeroom in the basement of the palace,
so chances are good we won’t be seen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great! Who wants to go up first and
check it out? I can’t go ‘cuz I don’t
have any weapons.

MATT
I can’t climb in this power armor.

IRONYUPPIE
I can’t go, ‘cuz DOCTOR WHAT
will look at my ass while I climb!

WEAPON M
I’m not going for the same reason.

DIAMOND
I can’t go ‘cuz… ‘cuz… damn it!
All right, gimme a flashlight.

DIAMOND holsters his pistols and takes a flashlight from a rebel. He starts climbing the ladder.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – DUNGEONS – NIGHT

The camera shows a darkened storeroom. A trapdoor suddenly pops up from the floor. DIAMOND’s eyes can be seen looking out. He puts the flashlight up and sweeps it around the room, then looks down the ladder again.

DIAMOND
All clear. Let’s get everyone up here.

EXT. – WESTERN MONTANA – FOREST – NIGHT

A troop of rebel rangers in camo fatigues moves ghostlike through the trees. They carry a mix of M-16s and Stinger launchers. Their captain, ATL DAVE HOWERY, is near the front of the squad. He carries a long barreled sniper rifle. The point man, DRACONISNOIR, suddenly raises a hand and the squad stops.

ATL DAVE HOWERY
(whispering)
What is it?

DRACONISNOIR
Not sure… too quiet.

Suddenly, the sunlight dims as the Great Black Flumph glides into view. ATL DAVE HOWERY waves his hand down and the rangers move down into cover. The flumph flies in random directions, obviously searching. It starts to fly away from the squad, and one man stands up. ATL DAVE HOWERY frantically waves him back down, but the flumph has seen them. It roars in rage and comes flying back over the squad.

ATL DAVE HOWERY
Scatter!

The rangers run in all directions, and a loud spitting sound is heard from above. ATL DAVE HOWERY dives behind a tree and rolls to his feet. He sees DRACONISNOIR and 2 other rangers covered in slimy acid. They scream and slowly dissolve; skin, muscle, and finally bone all crumbling away.

ATL DAVE HOWERY
AA troop! Shoot down that flying bastard!

A volley of Stingers slams into the flumph, which staggers but stays aloft. It screams in pain and rage. It’s tentacles start grabbing trees and tearing them out of the ground. As the rangers scatter, other tentacles grab men and fling them high to let them fall to their deaths. The rangers shoot at the flumph but nothing seems to affect it.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – NIGHT

The away team and rebels are moving down the hallway of the torture chambers, looking through the windows. As they get close to the room where DAVE HOWERY is held, MATT stops.

MATT
What is that awful noise? I
t sounds like Celine Dion singing rap.

ALT. DIAMOND
Quick! Everyone put these earplugs in now!

ALT. DIAMOND passes out earplugs to everyone, who puts them on. The group continues down the hallway, looking through the windows. MATT looks through one and stops.

MATT
He’s in this one!
Everyone else
What?
(muttering)
Damn earplugs.

MATT points at the window, and everyone else comes to look through it. They see DAVE HOWERY still secured in his chair, but he is slumped over in it, motionless. ALT. DIAMOND opens the door and walks into the room. He turns off the CD player and everyone follows him in and removes their earplugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Is he dead?

ALT. DIAMOND
No, but he was minutes away from
having his brain liquefy and dribble
out of his ears. But he can recover.
In a month or two, he’ll be able to dress himself.

DOCTOR WHAT
He can’t even do it himself, now anyway.

MATT
We can’t wait that long. Let’s try this.

MATT slaps DAVE HOWERY across the face. His head lolls about, but there is no response.

WEAPON M
That didn’t work. Let me try.

WEAPON M slaps DAVE HOWERY across the face, but again, there is no response.

DIAMOND
You guys aren’t doing it right. Let me try.

IRONYUPPIE
No, it’s my turn, damn it!

DOCTOR WHAT
Guys! I have a better idea.

DOCTOR WHAT puts his hand over his heart and starts singing ‘O Canada’. The other team members join in. DAVE HOWERY starts twitching and moving. By the time the final “we stand on guard for thee” fades, he is sitting up and trying to speak.

DAVE HOWERY
Luh…luh… liberate Canada!

DAVE HOWERY blinks a couple of times, shakes his head, and looks at the away team.

DAVE
Hey guys! Where’d you come from?

DOCTOR WHAT
What do you remember?

DAVE HOWERY
It was awful! I wanted to claw my eardrums out but couldn’t move my hands.
A rebel standing guard by the door suddenly backs into the room.

REBEL SOLDIER
Someone’s coming!

ALT. DIAMOND shuts the door and everyone tries to squeeze against the wall out of sight. NAPOLEON XIV is seen moving down the hallway. He looks through the window and sees the empty chair. He curses, runs over to a big red button on the wall and pushes it. Alarm sirens sound throughout the palace. NAPOLEON XIV opens the door and finds himself looking down the barrels of many many guns. He whimpers.

ALT. DIAMOND
Well, if it isn’t MEJ’s second in command!

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get him secured. Maybe we can still
get out of here if we hurry. Yuppie, tie him up.

IRONYUPPIE grins nastily at NAPOLEON XIV , who faints. IRONYUPPIE drags him to the chair and secures the wrist and ankle restraints on him. She pauses, looks behind the chair, and pulls out DAVE HOWERY’s adamantium chainsaw. She hands it to him.

IRONYUPPIE
Keep your toys picked up, will you?

ALT. DIAMOND
We better hurry. The guards will
be coming down all over this place.
Damn it! We were so close.

The group hurries out of the room, leaving NAPOLEON XIV alone. Moments later though, DAVE HOWERY runs back in. He grins madly down at NAPOLEON XIV , turns on the CD player, and runs out again, slamming the door behind him. NAPOLEON XIV stirs and returns to consciousness. He looks around, struggles for a moment, and then looks at the CD player in fear. The camera zooms in on it, showing the play button has been pushed. NAPOLEON XIV looks around frantically, groaning in terror. The music starts to play, and NAPOLEON XIV screams like a damned soul.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – AUDIENCE CHAMBER – NIGHT

The rebels and away team run through the east door. ALT. DIAMOND points to the west door and everyone heads that way. DAVE HOWERY is far behind the others and is only halfway across the chamber when the others reach the opposite door. The away team stops and looks back at him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hurry up! The guards will be here any minute!

DAVE HOWERY suddenly stops and fires up his chainsaw. Inquisitor troops are pouring in from the south door. The away team hurriedly readies their weapons.

VOICE (Off Screen)
HALT!

DAVE HOWERY looks behind him. MEJ is standing in the east doorway, remote control in hand. A pack of snarling velocihamsters is moving into the room around him.

MEJ
No one escapes the INQUISITOR!
You have nowhere to go. Your puny
rebellion is being crushed as we speak.
Even if you get out of this building,
my forces will hunt you down. Our
Perfect Society will be born this day.
And you meddlers, all of you,
will be sent to The Torture, and….

With a howl of insane rage, DAVE HOWERY slams his adamantium chainsaw through the support column in the center of the room. It splinters and crumbles. The ceiling falls in, tons of marble crushing every Inquisition soldier and velocihamster. MEJ barely has time to scream and throw up his hands before tons of rubble fall on him. The collapse throws up a huge cloud of dust. The away team stands unharmed in the west doorway, and they cough and wave the dust away from their faces. When the dust clears, they see DAVE HOWERY standing unharmed in the center of the ruins, piles of rubble all around him.

He is jumping and down madly.

DAVE HOWERY
OH YEAH! YEAH BABY! DID YOU SEE THAT?
DID’JA? I TOOK ‘EM ALL OUT WITH MY
ADAMANTIUM CHAINSAW! HA HA!
WHO’S THE BIG DOG? WHO’S YOUR DADDY?
HOW DO YA LIKE THEM APPLES, MEJ?
(insane laughter)

The other team members stare at him in disbelief.

ALT. DIAMOND
That man needs lots of therapy.

DIAMOND
Well, he did before all this too.

The camera switches to a view of the rubble. MEJ’s hand can be seen sticking out of it. The fingers go limp and his remote control device, broken and sparking, falls to the ground.

ALT. DIAMOND
It’s over.

EXT. – NORTHERN CALIFORNIA – REBEL CAMP – NIGHT

The rebels have been reduced to a handful of men standing in a weapons pit with 2 heavy machine guns. They are firing in all directions. A wall of dead velocihamsters surrounds them, but even more are attacking in endless waves. Every weapon barrel is smoking hot and ammo is running low.

Suddenly, the velocihamsters stop their attack and stand in place. The beeping sounds coming from their implanted antennas cannot be heard anymore. The velocihamsters start sniffing around, scratching themselves, and chewing on trees. A rebel fires a single shot into the air, and the velocihamsters panic and flee.

EXT. – NORTHWESTERN UTAH– REBEL CAMP – NIGHT

A fierce battle rages on the desert, with inquisitor and rebel troops running and shooting, while the Mechahamsters tower above it all like men over bugs. MIDGARDMETAL is at the rear of the rebel lines, guiding a howitzer crew trying to get a bead on a Mechahamster. MIDGARDMETAL sights down the barrel and pulls the lanyard. The shell blasts into the chest of the Mechahamster and it falls down, squishing a squad of Inquisitor troops behind it. The gun crew cheers and then scatters as another Mechahamster advances on them. Rocket fire from it’s hands destroy the howitzer. MIDGARDMETAL sees another howitzer nearby and runs that way. He fails to see the Mechahamster pursuing him. A huge steel foot slams down on MIDGARDMETAL, crushing him instantly.

Nearby, ATL OTHNIEL is standing rock still through the chaos, shouting orders at his men. He looks up when a Mechahamster steps in front of him, weapons leveled. The Rebel troops scatter, but ATL OTHNIEL stands his ground. Suddenly, the four remaining Mechahamsters freeze in place. One, caught in the act of stepping, is overbalanced and falls over. The battle ceases for a moment. Then, the rebels cheer and charge into the Inquisitorial troops, who break and run.

EXT. – WESTERN MONTANA – FOREST – NIGHT

The forest is ruined, as pine trees are uprooted everywhere. The flumph is still grabbing trees and men with it’s tentacles. ATL DAVE HOWERY is firing his sniper rifle at the flumph’s mouth, but the bolt finally clicks on an empty chamber. A long tentacle snakes towards him, and he pulls out a combat knife. Suddenly, the tentacle stops and retreats, along with all the other tentacles. The flumph rumbles out a puzzled muted growl. It’s color changes from black to light blue, and it howls in freedom and joy. It levitates up into the sky, higher and higher until it vanishes from sight.

EXT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – DAWN

The rebels and away team walk out of the ruins of the palace.

DOCTOR WHAT
So, what’s next for you guys now?

ALT. DIAMOND
Negotiate a ceasefire, reinstate the Constitution,
and hold real elections again. Eventually, pay
reparations to Italy and Israel. Get the country
back on it’s feet. What about you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Onto another timeline!

ALT. DIAMOND
Just as well. I’d hate to have to explain to
people about how a bunch of dimension
hopping explorers helped us. Still, we
owe you a lot. Is there anything we
can do to help you before you go?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, there is one thing….

MATT whispers in DOCTOR WHAT’s ear.

DOCTOR WHAT
Make that two things.

INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE – DAY

The away team is laughing and whooping as the shuttle flies back towards the ship. The hold and every square inch of extra space is filled with cases of every alcoholic beverage known to modern man. MATT is chugging a bottle of Wild Turkey and has a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other hand. WEAPON M is working his way through a second six pack. IRONYUPPIE has a glass of chardonnay and is looking at the others disdainfully. DAVE HOWERY is grinning to no one in particular and caressing his adamantium chainsaw. DOCTOR WHAT has both arms tightly around a huge duffel bag with the word ‘PORN’ stenciled on the side, filled to the point of bursting. He looks at the others warily as if afraid they will touch it. DIAMOND is talking to LEO CAESIUS on the com

LEO CAESIUS
….anyway, it turns out HENDRYK didn’t eat G Bone.
G Bone just got lost in the storeroom again and couldn’t
find his way out. Grey Wolf lost his hostages when he
passed out after drinking a can of lighter fluid. OTHNIEL
is mostly in one piece, but still needs a left testicle.

DIAMOND
That’s….. great, Leo.
We’ll be there in a moment.
(to everyone)
Hey. At least we didn’t get
our asses kicked this time.

Everyone gives out a drunken cheer.

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

The away team is walking away from the shuttle, heading for their quarters. DOCTOR WHAT is dragging the duffel bag, grunting with the effort. GBW starts to put out a hand to help him, but DOCTOR WHAT whirls and snarls at him; GBW backs away hastily. OTHNIEL is briefly seen, covered with stitches and bandages, walking like a zombie. DIAMOND has a puzzled look on his face, which MATT notices.

MATT
What’s wrong?

DIAMOND
I keep thinking we’ve forgotten something.

MATT
Hey, we got porn, we got booze,
we got the whole team back.
What could we have forgotten?

DIAMOND
Not sure… something we were supposed to fix later…

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – TORTURE CHAMBER – DAY

The camera is tight on NAPOLEON XIV ’s face. He is obviously in the final stages of The Torture. He is laughing helplessly, his eyes are blank, and gooey brain gel is dribbling out of his ears.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

DIAMOND
(shakes head)
Oh, well, I’ll probably remember it later.

MATT
Sure. Anyway, we have something else
to consider now. Just how long should
we ban DAVE HOWERY from going
on away missions this time? I’m thinking a year.

DIAMOND
Sounds good to me.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey! That’s not fair! I didn’t start any trouble
this time! WEAPON M started the whole thing,
remember?! He was the one with the big finger
pointing at him! Right, guys?! Guys? GUYS?!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT opens the door to his quarters. He stoops down and grabs the duffel bag with both hands and drags it into the room, shutting the door behind him.

HENDRYK comes into the scene and knocks on the door, only to hear

DOCTOR WHAT
“Go away! It’s mine! All mine!
My Precious, my Precious!
(A long pause)
OH! Precious!

HENDRYK shrugs and walks off.

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL END CREDITS.