AH.com: The Series

TEASER

INT. – OUROBOROS – BAR AREA – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, Diamond, and WEAPON M all walk in. They look like they’ve just been almost killed by a horde of raging ATLer’s, and as this is the AH.COM crew, they probably have. They all grab seats at the bar, which is almost deserted except for a group of noisy teenager Potter-fans discussing which “ship” they like. IAN looks at the AH.COM group. Today he is dressed like Groucho Mark, with round glasses and a mustache.

DOCTOR WHAT
Every time we go to another universe.
Every…. Single…. Time.

KIT
What? I’m gay. I’m supposed to have sex
with men. You should know that by now…

DOCTOR WHAT
But it was the prince of England…
and he was straight…

KIT
(grins)
Well, he’s not anymore.

WEAPON M
Well, his father sure as hell was,
with all those laws… And I was
just about to have a threesome,
too, with two of those female Guards.

DOCTOR WHAT
We can’t go back to that world anymore, though.
(looks at Kit)
Thanks to you…

KIT
For the last time, guys, I didn’t know
that those sealion pets of the king had
Gaydar, honest. I was being careful.
Extremely careful…

IAN
Can I get you guys anything?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, 4 ru-
(thinks of Michael)
Four rums and a Bloody Mary.
And make the Mary with extra
red foam on top and ready to go.

IAN
(knowingly)
Sure. Lots of foam.

KIT
I feel like going back to the
ship drunk tonight…. Really drunk.

ALL
Hear hear!

Over in the corner of the room, a man who looks a lot like Wendell Wilkie takes notes on the AH.Commers as they get drunk and dance around before he leaves.

KIT
(off-key)
99 bottles of beer on the wall,
99 bottles of beer, take one down,
throw it around, 99 bottles of beer
on the wall! Hello.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looks at Kit)
If I was sober, I would soooooooo
be writing this down. But I’m not!
(passes out)

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“MIRROR, MIRROR, WHICH SHIP IS PRETTIEST OF THEM ALL?”

Written By : LUAKEL

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

We see a bloodshot eye. It is twitching nervously, looking around as though it expects something horrible to happen. We pan back away from the eye and see that it belongs to MICHAEL. There is red foam dripping down his face, and he is shaking nervously. We see PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DMA, STRAHA, and G. BONE looking at him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(smirks)
He still dealing with that drink
that the Doc gave him last night?

G.BONE
Yep. He forced it down Michael’s throat.
I think KIT helped a bit with the forcing down part…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think he’s seeing red.
(they all giggle)

MICHAEL
(whispering to himself)
Nah, I’m not that thirsty Doc, really I’m not….
NO! KIT! DO NOT DO THAT! PLEASE GOD
DON’T DO THAT!!!! YES! I’LL DO
ANYTHING! WAIT, NO, STOP,
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So… much… red………

STRAHA
I’m gonna look in his pockets…
Hey! He has some hash in here! Cool.

Straha lights up and walks away to the giant Sheep statue, a copy of “Marching through Georgia” in his other hand. Meanwhile, Psycho pulls a V8 out of his pocket and begins to drink from it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I have an idea…
(whispering)
Michael? Michael, I can help you, okay?

MICHAEL
( looks up)
Psycho? You’re
(swallows)
my… friend, Psycho.
You… Owe Me.

DMA and G.BONE look at PSYCHOMELTDOWN suspiciously upon hearing the last sentence.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nervously)
I have no idea what he’s talking about.
(whispers at Michael)
Shut Up!

MICHAEL
Fine. Just…. Help me.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You know what you have to do, Mikey.

MICHAEL
Nooooooooooooo……..
I can’t…………….

Psychomeltdown sighs, and shows the V8 can to Michael.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Would you like some V8, Michael?

Michael looks inside the can, sees the reddish liquid inside, and immediately backs away, twitching.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(holding V8 threateningly)
Say it, Michael.

MICHAEL
O….kay.
Alyson….. is ….. hot.
(he passes out)

DMA
(reveals a microphone in his hand)
I got it all.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Perfect.

We pan away from the trio, towards the table in the center of the room where OTHNIEL , KIT, DAVE HOWERY, LANDSHARK, HENDRYK, GREY WOLF, DIAMOND, and IRON YUPPIE sit. KIT has his head in his hands and is talking to ABDUL HADI PASHA.

KIT
I still can’t believe I drank that much last night…

ABDUL HADI PASHA
Hey, it could be worse. You could’ve ended up
like Michael. Besisdes, it’s not like anyone saw
you or anything. Well, except for Yuppie, and
Sharky, and Leo, and Justin, and Doc, and,
well, never mind.

KIT
(grinning)
Well, it wasn’t that bad… after all,
I got to hit on Leo when he was
testing his new body.

LEO CAESIUS
(from the ceiling)
Aw… thanks Kit! Does my new
body really look that good? If I
were in it now I’d blush!

KIT
Of course it was, Leo! You should
know that I’ll always like you!
But how did you know how Antonio
Banderas looked, anyway?

OTHNIEL
(sardonically)
Well, there was that time you posted
pictures of him all around the ship…

LEO CAESIUS
I designed it exactly according to your
specifications. If you want, you can take
the new LeoMobile out for a ride as well.

KIT
Awwwwwww……thanks! You’re one of
the best Ship AI’s a guy could have!
But I did allow Landshark to play
dress-me-up with me…

LANDSHARK
Oh yes I did, Kitty-Kat. And Yuppie
caught all of it on. All of it.

IRONYUPPIE
(pulling out camera, pressing a button and a little tape falls out)
You looked so pretty in that little tutu, Katgirl.
And everyone on ship is going to see it, too.
Even if you beg us to give this back to you, we won’t.

KIT
(grinning)
Oh, I can do much more than just beg…

DIAMOND
(makes retching sounds)
Damnit! Keep your homosexual
overtones to yourself, Kit!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DMA, and G.BONE stop prodding MICHAEL’s shaking body and come over to the table.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
All hail the Holy SHEEP!!

STRAHA
(from nearby Sheep Statue)
I hear that!!!
(passes out)

The room quiets down as DOCTOR WHAT walks in. He is wearing a fur coat, but a dominatrix outfit is quite visible underneath it. Everyone averts their gaze from DOCTOR WHAT except for LANDSHARK and IRON YUPPIE, who stare at his outfit with interest.

IRONYUPPIE
So… where have you been, Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
None of your business! It’s not
my fault that she likes it this way…

G. BONE
(smirking)
Who? The fembot?

DOCTOR WHAT
Just remember who created her, G. Bone.

G. BONE
Oh.
(blushing)
Hahahah…

DOCTOR WHAT
(shooting G.Bone a victory look)
So Leo, what’s up with this planet?

LEO CAESIUS
They still have records of Azarsian!
Fascinating language, Doctor, from
what I can figure out it originated
around 1590 B.C….

DOCTOR WHAT
What else, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
(clears nonexsistent throat)
Oh, Fine. You all have no respect for
ancient languages… The world is
fairly similar to our own, actually,
except for a few changes. Canada
appears to be part of a Pan-American Union…

DAVE HOWERY jumps out of his seat, doing a victory dance.

LEO (cont.)
…which it controls,

DAVE sinks back into his seat, angry.

LEO (cont.)
China and France appear to have combined
their countries into a massive force to ensure
peace, and have become a superpower, c
urrently the only one,

HENDRYK
Impressionnant ! C’est excellent !

LEO (cont.)
…and Othniel appears to be the governor of Utah.

OTHNIEL
(Horrified)
Utah?
But I don’t like-

LEO (cont.)
…and he’s Mormon.

Othniel faints.

DIAMOND
(looking at Othniel worriedly)
Uhhhhhhhhhh… What happened to him?

DMA
Either someone had a Jihad on his Arse,
and he’s pissed, or Straha slipped him something.

They both look at Straha, who wakes up and sees them.

STRAHA
(innocently)
What?
(whistles nervously)

LEO (cont.)
Oh, and there’s a nice Caribbean island
owned by one Doctor Bruno What.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay, then. I’m going on vacation!

LEO CAESIUS clears non-existent throat

DOCTOR WHAT
(reluctantly)
Fine. We’re going on vacation

MICHAEL
(wakes up and sees DOCTOR WHAT’s outfit)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
(passes out again)

DOCTOR WHAT
We embark at 2100! GBW, take Michael ofF
to Torq to get fixed up. G.Bone, get the
teleportation ready. Kit, come with me.
I need a back massage…

LEO CAESIUS
Um, Doctor? I’m picking up signals
that indicate a vortex similar to the
one we use is opening…

EXT – SPACE – DAY

We see the AH.COM ship, orbiting around Earth. We then zoom away from it, and see a vortex opening in space. A ship emerges, big, bulky, and trailing a lot of exhaust. On it’s hull we see, in pink neon lights, OTHER TIMELINES.COM.

INT – OTL.COM SHIP – MEETING ROOM – DAY

In the middle of the room is a huge map of the world, with OTL.COM RULES spray painted on it. There is a square table in front of it, and at it sit TURTLEDOVE (at the head) , WENDELL, CDURHAM, CRISCO, DAN, IVAN, JW EATS MANGOS, and RAMPAGING COW.

JW EATS MANGOS
So, here’s the plan. France is going to take
all of this area of Africa, and you guys-

DAN
But that’s not fair to Austria!
All we get is Libya!

CDURHAM
Screw you guys. His Majesty’s Empire
is going to take all of India, and if anyone
protests, we’ll use our super sneaky
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

IVAN
Where did you get those?

CDURHAM
Half off at Wal-Mart… I got ‘em
in the before-school rush.

RAMPAGINGCOW
Popular, eh?

We hear MORGOTH’s voice, and he is clearly “their” LEO.

MORGOTH
So, what did you find at the pub, Wendell?

WENDELL
Ah, nothing really. It was a pretty quiet night.
Just before I left there was this group of strange
travelers that came in. They were all talking
about going to this other place, just like we
would do. They treated the admin there
nicely, even, unlike you guys….

TURTLEDOVE
Treating Admin nicely? That’s crazy!
(pulls out a whip and hits ADMIN, who is lying on the floor wretchedly)
Clean up all this spam! Or Else!
So Morgoth, what’s this world like?
Are there lots of kittens for me to kill?

MORGOTH
There are quite a lot of kittens on Australia,
but there’s something else there too. Sheep.

Everyone thinks of sheep in disgust, except for WENDELL, who watches all this, amused.

TURTLEDOVE
What else?

MORGOTH
Nothing really.
Oh, and OTL.COM is one of the
most popular websites on Earth…

TURTLEDOVE
Really?

MORGOTH
Yeah, but none of us are members.
So, are you guys going to go down to it or what?

TURTLEDOVE
Yeah sure. As long as there are a lot
of people to terrorize. And kittens…

MORGOTH
Ok, I’ll tell GWB to get teleportation ready.
And I’ll call COR up- Wait, now I’m picking
up a strange signal from nearby.

TURTLEDOVE
Is it a kitten?

RAMPAGING COW
Does it matter? Kittens are cute.

TURTLEDOVE
Only if you’re killing them.

MORGOTH
Well, actually, the signal is, well, it’s just like ours…

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Does that man it’s the CF.NET ship again, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
It doesn’t appear to be. If anything,
it’s like a twisted opposite of us.

DMA
Can we launch a Jihad on their Arses?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, that would be stupid, surely they’ll
be happy to know that there are people
just like them out there! Let’s go!

LANDSHARK
Hey Doc, where did you get that outfit?

DOCTOR WHAT
Why, do you want it?

DOCTOR WHAT undresses, and there is a scramble as everyone tries to gouge out their eyes. Except for KIT, of course.

KIT
(smirking)
The fruit of his loins…

INT – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

We see TORQUMADA with some pinkish slimy stuff in one hand and some Superglue in the other. His head is lying on the table and he’s crying.

TORQUMADA
(sadly)
I miss you, Bobo…

The door to the bay opens and GBW stumbles in, carrying MICHAEL.

GBW
Hey Tor- wha? Are you crying?

TORQUMADA
(wiping away tears)
Of course not! That would be silly.
(hides Bobo’s remains with his hands)
So, what do you need? What’s wrong with Michael?

GBW
(lays Michael down on a bunk)
Um, he drank a Bloody Mary and
it gave him redheadytis.
What is that stuff you’re hiding?
And, uh, why’s it moving?

TORQUMADA
It’s moving???
(looks around)
BOBO!!! YOU’RE ALIVE!

GBW
(nervously)
So, I’ll just leave now…

MICHAEL
(wakes up and sees the rejuvenated Bobo)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(passes out yet again)

INT –AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT walking in front of the Away Team, inspecting them. He stops first at MATT, who is dressed up in his armor and has the BFG in his hands. WEAPON M is looking at the BFG jealously.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why are you taking that anyway?
We’re supposed to be friendly to them.

MATT
Yeah, I’ll be friendly.. with extreme force!
And what if they turn out to be a bunch of
Asshats, like a people I know.

DOCTOR WHAT
You and your paranoia… When was the last
time that people didn’t want to see us?

MATT
(shocked)
When was the last time they did!?!?!?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, fine…

DOCTOR WHAT walks over to OTHNIEL, who has two pistols in his hand, waving them around menacingly

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you feeling OK, Oth? You’ve
been acting kind of strange lately.

OTHNIEL
Well, I am seeing some rather fascinating
pink elephants walking around… tell me,
Doc, have you ever considered that
2+2 might actually equal 4?

DOCTOR WHAT
(glaring at STRAHA, who’s whistling innocently)
Not really.
(walks over to IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK, who’s wearing the dominatrix outfit)
Uh, Landshark, couldn’t that scare them?

LANDSHARK
That’s what I want it to do…

IRONYUPPIE
(holding bat threateningly)
Do you have a problem with that, What?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nervously)
Um, no, not really.
(to everyone)
Well, lets go see them. Surely
they’ll be happy to see us!

INT – OTL.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

The OTL.COM crew walks in. All of them have some sort of weapon in their hands, except for TURTLEDOVE, who holds a squishy duck.

TURTLEDOVE
We are about to boldly go… where no
Alternate Historian has gone before!

The other OTLers look at each other.

CRISCO
Um, Turtledove? Aren’t our opposites
probably alternate historians too?

TURTLEDOVE
Oh yeah! Well, um, nevermind.

CRISCO
But…

TURTLEDOVE
I said never mind! Stop questioning my authoritah!
(looks around)
Does everyone have their weapons loaded and ready?

COR
(lifts up two AK-47’s)
Do you want to make sure?

TURTLEDOVE
No thanks. GWB?

GWB
(looks up from a copy of PLAYBOY)
Yeah?

TURTLEDOVE
Beam us…. There.

GWB
Where?

TURTLEDOVE
THERE!

GWB
WHERE???

TURTLEDOVE
THERE, YOU PEACE OF SH-

GWB
Oh. There.

GWB presses a button and the OTL.COM crew disappears from sight, replaced almost instantly by a more familiar crew.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT – OTL.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

We see the AH.COM crew suddenly pop into view in the teleporter. GWB looks up from his PLAYBOY at them.

GWB
Who the hell are you guys?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re your opposites! Glad to see us?

GWB
Uhh…. Sure………

GWB reaches under his seat to grab a pistol, but before he can do anything, MATT blows his head off with the BFG.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
What did you do that for?
He was happy to see us!

MATT
What??? He was going to shoot us!
What would you have done?

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine, fine…
Okay guys, lets find these guys’
meeting room and surprise them!

DIAMOND
(looks at the headless body of GWB)
Are you sure they want to be surprised?

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, we’ll just tell them that the killing
of one of their crew members was an
accident. They won’t be mad!

As the AH.COMers walk out, we see one of Morgoth’s consoles on the wall of the room.

MORGOTH
I’d better alert THE DOOM THAT CAME TO SARNATH…

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

We see G.BONE lying on the ground, unconscious. Standing around him are the OTL.COM away team.

COR
Can I kill him now?

TURTLEDOVE
You can kill the next one, okay?
I just wanna find some kittens.

RAMPAGING COW
What’s wrong with kittens?

TURTLEDOVE
They’re cute and they give me hives.
Now c’mon. Let’s go find out if anyone
else is on this pathetic excuse for a ship.

CDURHAM
What do we do if we find any?

TURTLEDOVE
Well, we do need some fresh people to torture…

As they tramp out of the room, we hear a snoring noise from one of LEO’s consoles.

LEO CAESIUS
(snorts, and the light on his console turns on)
Ahhhh….
(sees G.BONE’s unconscious form)
Hey, G.BONE, G.BONE!

G.BONE
(wakes up)
Wha-
Oh it’s you, Leo.
What happened to me?

LEO CAESIUS
Oh, you must’ve fallen asleep.
But the opposites are here! I
need you to help me into my
body so I can greet them personally!

Sounds in the distance can be heard. Gunshots and yeling.

G.BONE
Uh… What’s going on?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

OTL.COM crew hunting down all that are still on the ship.

INT. – DIAMOND’S QUARTERS – DAY

DIAMOND is swilling beer, dressed in a bathrobe and staring vacantly at a television screen, when suddenly CRISCO, DAN, and IVAN burst into his room. He staggers to his feet, looking confused and the two converge upon him, using pink brass knuckles to beat him into unconsciousness.

INT. – GREY WOLF’S QUARTERS – DAY

A drunk GREY WOLF with a plush unicorn in his hand being dragged out of his room by WENDELL. GREY WOLF scrambles madly, then grabs a bottle of booze, and then lets himself be dragged away

INT. – HENDRYK’S QUARTERS – DAY

HENDRYK designing a new robe with ink calligraphy on it before RAMPAGING COW sprays it with water, then knocks out HENDRYK while he’s crying.

INT. – DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS – DAY

DAVE HOWERY crushing his miniature model of Toronto, complete with a Mini-DOCTOR WHAT, before TURTLEDOVE walks up behind him and squirts knockout gas out of the squishy duck in his hands.

INT. – TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SHEEP – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DMA kneeling in front of the Sheep statue, giving their daily tribute to it before JW EATS MANGOS and CDURHAM blow it up using their Big Frickin’ Laser Guns. PSYCHO and DMA immediately take out spoons and charge at the OTLer’s but are stunned into submission.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

TURTLEDOVE looks down at the gathered captured crew.

TURTLEDOVE
Well. This was just too easy.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA is dancing around, with BOBO in his hands.

TORQUMADA
I’m so glad you’re alive, BOBO!
I’m going to make you some playmates!

BOBO
Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…………….

TORQUMADA
(looking at the unconscious MICHAEL)
I shall feed you soon, my pet. Don’t worry.

LEO CAESIUS and G. BONE walk in.

LEO CAESIUS
Hey Torq! We have visitors!

TORQUMADA
(putting BOBO down)
Really?
(looks at G. BONE)
Hey, what happened to you?
That’s a pretty nasty bruise on your head.

G.BONE
Eh, I must’ve hit my head when
I fell asleep. I probably got a concussion,
maybe some internal bleeding…
(Shrugs)

TORQUMADA
Okay.

G.BONE
So, it looks like some people are
trying to take over out ship.
You wanna go help stop them?

TORQUMADA
Must be a Tuesday…
Hey, why is Leo in his body?

LEO CAESIUS
Boarders, remember?

TORQUMADA
Oh, yeah.
So what’s the plan?

G.BONE
We take back the ship.

LEO CAESIUS
How?

G.BONE
(long thoughtful pause)
We take back the ship.

They leave, and GBW runs into the room through another entrance.

GBW
Hey guys, we have visitors!
And they’re not the friendly,
wanna jump in bed with you
kind either. Guys?
(sees BOBO)
Oh… Hi Bobo.

BOBO
GBW. BOBO hungry…..
BOBO WILL FEAST!!!
(lurches toward GBW)

GBW
What the hell???
(picks up a knife from a nearby table, and plunges it into BOBO)
That was…. weird.
(calls out to the others)
Hey guys, wait for me!

MICHAEL
(wakes up and sees BOBO’s remains)
Cool! Pink applesauce!
(eats BOBO, then passes out upon swallowing)

INT – OTL.COM SHIP – MEETING ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
(strolls in)
Hey! This is a nice place they’ve got.

KIT
Y’know, this ship is a lot like ours….
(smirking)
Except that it’s a little longer…

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(smirking)
Not just a little…

DOCTOR WHAT
(oblivious)
I wonder where everyone is?

MATT
(looking at the assortment of guns on the wall)
I wonder if they’d notice any
of these just disappeared…

All of the guns suddenly come to life and point at the AH.COM group.

MORGOTH
(from ceiling)
This is Morgoth. If you don’t leave immediately
I’m going to blow all of your heads off.

MATT
What the hell? They have internal defenses?
(shakes head)
I feel sad now.

THE DOOM THAT CAME TO SARNATH
(runs in with a bazooka)
You heard the ship AI! Get out!
(looks at Landshark’s outfit)
Oh, God! Oh, God!
My eyes!!!!!
(runs away, screaming)

IRONYUPPIE
(runs after him with bat in hands)
How dare you insult Shark Boy like that!
That’s my job!

The sounds of a scuffle, and then someone yelling “MOMMY!!!” can be heard.

LANDSHARK
Hey Yuppie! Save some for me!
(runs after her)

MORGOTH
Uhhhh…. OK then……..
So are you guys going to leave, or
am I going to have to kill you all
in an extremely bloody R-rated shootout?

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
Fine, we’ll go. C’mon guys.

They all trudge out. KIT is the last one to leave the room.

KIT
Y’know, your voice is extremely sexy…

MORGOTH
GO!!!

KIT
Oh, fine…

As he runs out, LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE walk into the room.

LANDSHARK
Well, that was fun.

MORGOTH
Ah, screw this.
(all the guns make clicking sounds, and aim at the duo)
I might as well just kill you both.

IRONYUPPIE
(pulling out her bat)
Oh yeah?

We zoom out of the room, and strange screeching sounds are heard from inside.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The OTLers are all lounging around in the room, while the AHers are all tied up near the door to the room.

TURTLEDOVE
(spraying OTL.COM WAS HERE on the bulkhead)
Well, now that we’ve rounded up all those on
board for torture, it’s time for us to go. I’m just
sad that there weren’t any kittens.

RAMPAGING COW
Can you shut up about the kittens?
Kittens are cool.

TURTLEDOVE
Which gives me another reason to hate them…

COR
Why didn’t I get to kill anyone….

We hear the voices of LEO, TORQ, GBW, and G.BONE as they approach.

TORQUMADA
YOU KILLED BOBO???

GBW
What? He was going to eat me.
What would you do in my position?

TORQUMADA
I’d let him.
(sniffles)
Not again…

LEO CAESIUS
Shhhhh….. guys, be quiet.
I think I heard something…
(walks into room)

They come face to face with the heavily armed OTL crewmembers.

G.BONE
Hey. This isn’t the Weapons Bay!

TURTLEDOVE
(laughs)
The OTL ship would like to say hi..
(he blows a giant hole in LEO’s body)
Hi.

GBW
Oh my god, they killed Leo!
Those Bastards!

TORQUMADA
You two stay here. I’ll take
Leo’s head and go for help.
(runs away with Leo’s head)

GBW
OK- wait! You’re just going to leave us here???

COR shoots G.BONE in the arm, knocking him out, and then aims gun at GBW, who runs out as fast as he can

COR
Damn, the other one got away.
But at least I got to shoot one…

Everyone edges away from him.

TURTLEDOVE
Um….. OK then.

COR
I hate all of you, you %$%*’s.

TURTLEDOVE
(shoving the tied up AH.Com members into a Popemobile Go-Kart)
You little sadist, you.
Ok everyone, lets go!

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that was strange. I’m not too
sure that they really wanted to see us.

DIAMOND
Of course they didn’t! They would’ve killed us!

DOCTOR WHAT
So? I’ve died before.

DIAMOND
Forget it.

OTHNIEL
(sadly)
I didn’t even get to show them the right way.

STRAHA
(taking some pot out of his pocket and lighting up)
Dude…. We were lucky to get out alive…
Wait a sec, why are you thinking about
that kind of stuff? Did it wear off already?

OTHNIEL
What??? You gave me drugs?

STRAHA
Well, you weren’t complaining or anything.
I just slipped it into some of that tea that
you were drinking…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, aren’t we missing someone?

All of a sudden IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK pop out of the teleporter. They look very satisfied, especially IRONYUPPIE.

DOCTOR WHAT
OK then…
Well, it’s good to be back home.
Leo? We’re back!
(gets no answer)
Leo?

GLEN FINNEY
I don’t think he’s there…

TORQUMADA comes running into the room with LEO’s head in his hands. GBW follows him by a few seconds.

TORQUMADA
We’re under attack!

DOCTOR WHAT
What??? From who?

TORQUMADA
Them.

DOCTOR WHAT
What, the OTLers?
(laughs)
That’s silly, Torq.

LANDSHARK
THEIR LEO WAS GOING TO
KILL US, FOR GOD’S SAKE!

DOCTOR WHAT
(backs away from LANDSHARK)
Well, if “they” are attacking, Torq,
then how did you get away?

TORQUMADA
Oh, um…
(quietly)
I… ran like a chicken with it’s head cut off.

GBW
Me too.

OTHNIEL
(snickering)
Cowards.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and the OTLers walk in, pulling the Go-Kart behind them.

COR
Goodie. More prey.

COR shoots his AK-47 at OTHNIEL, who raises his Bible to deflect it. The Bible sends the bullets flying back at Cor, who vanishes when they hits him. Maniacal laughter is heard.

STRAHA
(to OTHNIEL)
Dude. Can I like… look at that thing if… we survive? I’ll give you some more of the stuff.

OTHNIEL
Uh….. sure.

The battle begins in earnest. IRON YUPPIE runs around with her bat, hitting friend and foe, while MATT opens fire with his BFG. The OTLers pull out little pink Inuit Barbie dolls and throw them at the AH.COMers in return. In the center of the room, TURTLEDOVE walks up to DOCTOR WHAT.

TURTLEDOVE
So.
We’re not so different, you and I.

DOCTOR WHAT
Indeed.
Come to me, Number Two!

KIT
(stops attempting to seduce CRISCO and walks over)
What is it, Doctor Evi- I mean What?

DOCTOR WHAT
This is my… sidekick, KIT.
KIT, this is my opposite.

KIT
You know, you two really aren’t different.
(looks at Turtledove’s crotch, smirking)
Nope, you aren’t.

TURTLEDOVE
What the hell?
No, when I said we’re not so different,
I was asking if you hated cats too.

DOCTOR WHAT
How could I hate cats?
I have one.

TURTLEDOVE
Cool. Can I kill it?

DOCTOR WHAT
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ABOUT MYNX!!!
(rips the duck out of TURTLEDOVE’s hands and throws it on the ground)
You shall pay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TURTLEDOVE
(looks down at duck)
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Come OTLers! We must escape
to fight again another day!

JOE
But… we were winning.

IVAN
We were???

TURTLEDOVE
Quiet, you fools! Hurry up!

The OTLers pile onto the transporter and get out one by one while the AH.COMers just watch. WENDELL is the last one left.

WENDELL
(looking at the AH.COMers)
Eh, I’m staying with you guys.

DOCTOR WHAT
Someone plug Leo back in!
We need to get out of here
before they can get all of
those weapons shooting at us!

LANDSHARK
(sardonically)
I thought they were supposed to be “friendly”?

DOCTOR WHAT
(oblivious)
Not anymore!
(looks at the AH.Commers in the Go-Kart)
What should we do about these guys?

IRONYUPPIE
Who cares?

DOCTOR WHAT
To the control room!

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo? Are you back online?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes Captain.
We leave this area in 10 seconds.

DOCTOR WHAT
MATT, got anything to
cover our cowardly fleeing?

MATT
Just the thing, Doc.
(chuckling)

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get going, while the going is still good.

EXT – SPACE – DAY

A vortex suddenly appears, and the AH.COM ship plnges into it.

INT – OTL.COM SHIP – MEETING ROOM – DAY

TURTLEDOVE
(runs in)
MORGOTH! Where are they?

MORGOTH
Uhhhhhhhh………..

TURTLEDOVE
Never mind.
(sits down at console)
I’ve locked onto their energy signature.
We should be following them right about now…

EXT – SPACE – DAY

A vortex appears, just like the one that the AH.COM ship went into. But before the OTL.COM ship can follow them, there is a series of huge explosions detonating around the ship..

INT – OTL.COM SHIP –MEETING ROOM – DAY

Explosions and smoke fill the Bridge of the OTL.COM ship. People are screaming.

To Black:

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Some of the AH.Commers are helping the captured crew members out of the Go-Kart, while the others stare at the main view screen.

DOCTOR WHAT
No sign of the other ship?

LEO CAESIUS
None. A vortex was being opened,
but it collapsed moments later.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grins)
So we won.

LEO CAESIUS
Running away does not constitute winning.

DOCTOR WHAT
In my book it does.
(into com)
Hey, MATT. What did you leave behind?

MATT
A little surprise.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sarcastically)
Thanks for the explanation.

LEO CAESIUS
You know that every shift ship
we’ve come across has attacked us?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, we’re just loved across the Mulitverse.
Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’ve got
some serious drinking to do.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SHEEP – DAY

MICHAEL
(walking in)
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SHEEP STATUE???

END ACT II

TAG

INT – OUROBOROS – BAR AREA – DAY

KIT, DOCTOR WHAT, WENDELL, and WEAPON M walk in, with MICHAEL walking behind them nervously. IAN is dressed as Karl Marx tonight, instead of Groucho, and waves to the group as they walk in.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that was a hell of an adventure, huh?

MICHAEL
(shaking)
I still can’t believe that they
destroyed the sheep thread…

WEAPON M
Don’t worry, kid. There’ll be another one.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why’d you stay with us, Wendell?

WENDELL
Well, you all seemed somewhat
less weird than them. Somewhat.
Plus you did blow up their ship.
So my staying on board was a
good choice, it seems.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think we’ll be seeing the OTL.com
Ship around, one of these days.

WEAPON M
Damn. We never manage to completely
destroy out enemies, do we?

DOCTOR WHAT
What would be the fun if we did.

WENDELL
How many people are out to kill you?

MICHAEL
A lot.

Everyone nods glumly.

WENDELL
I think I’ll stay in the Hub for a while.

IAN
So, what will you guys be having tonight?
The special is More and Bigger PM’s…

KIT
(grins)
Hmmm……… That sounds pretty good…

DOCTOR WHAT
Kit, you joker!

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh, Kit, you sure you want to drink
that? It looks kind of… weird.

A gulping sound is heard.

KIT
I feel funny…

THUD!

KIT hits the floor.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A wormhole opens above the Earth, and the AH.COM SHIP emerges out of it, settling into orbit.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Most of the crew is gathered around DOCTOR WHAT, who is listening to LEO CAESIUS.

LEO CAESIUS
This world is most unusual. Something has happened to
drastically alter the population balance of the USA and
Canada. There are only about 30 million inhabitants.
Mexico seems as normal, but has massed most of its
army on the US border. The nations of Asia and Europe
have stationed fleets along both coasts. It seems the two
nations are under quarantine.

DOCTOR WHAT
Any signs of plague or nuclear warfare?

LEO CAESIUS
No. But all the cities are abandoned there.
Civilization is limited to a few fortified
compounds, with bands of nomads in between.

DOCTOR WHAT
What did you mean that the population
balance was drastically altered?

LEO CAESIUS
85% of the population is made up of
attractive young women.

DOCTOR WHAT
85%?! Well. I feel it is my duty to lead
a team there and personally greet them.

DIAMOND
Yes, I feel that this mission
requires my presence too.

MATT
I should go too, as it sounds like it is a dangerous place,
and all those women might need me to look at them…
I mean, look after them.

DAVE HOWERY
As chief engineer, I should go and see if they have anything
that needs repaired… power plants, vehicles, beds…

DOCTOR WHAT
Forget it Dave, you’re still banned

DAVE HOWERY
That’s not fair! You never let me go anywhere fun!

DAVE HOWERY storms out, muttering and cursing.

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew clamors to be included.

DOCTOR WHAT
QUIET!!

KIT
Didn’t you hear Leo? The continent is quarantined!
We don’t need anything there!

DOCTOR WHAT
Really? Not even booze?

LEO CAESIUS
No. The liquor stores are still half full.

DOCTOR WHAT
I thought we’d have run out by now.

Everyone looks at GREY WOLF, who glares back.

GREY WOLF
What? You’re all bloody weeping about how
I drink too much and how I keep pissing in the
Teleportation Room. Now you’re whining about
how I don’t drink enough?
(pulls out a flask from his pocket)
There’s no pleasing you lot is there?
(drinks flask empty)

KIT
So, there’s no reason to go down there!

DIAMOND
Are you kidding?! There’s a whole continent down
there where men are outnumbered by women 8 to 1!
Hell, even Dave would probably get laid.

DAVE HOWERY
(nodding)
You have to love desperation…

DIAMOND
They’ll be wanting to get their hands on any male around!

KIT and ABDUL HASHI PASHA look at each other in horror and flee the control room.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“LAND OF THE SUPERMODELS”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM-

The lucky members of the away team are lined up, looking smug and happy. They are MATT, WEAPON M, GBW, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and DOCTOR WHAT. The rest of the crew looks disgruntled.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just a thought. Since most of the continent is
populated by women, should we take our one
and only female crew member along?

IRON YUPPIE
Can’t. Landshark has been naughty
and I need to discipline him.

LANDSHARK nods from the corner where he’s bound and gagged. .

OTHNIEL
Is this a good idea? It sounds dangerous, and
we don’t need anything. Not even the women…
you still have your huge pornography collection
stored on the computer.

LEO CAESIUS
(muttering)
I feel so dirty…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, and with my new triple layer security around it,
you won’t be able to erase it! Besides, porn doesn’t
compare with real live women. To the shuttle!

The sound of frantic running feet.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.COM shuttle is seen rocketing over the Earth, heading towards the Great Lakes area.

INT- AH.COM SHUTTLE-

GBW is piloting the shuttle, while the rest look eagerly out the window. DOCTOR WHAT sniffs and looks around.

DOCTOR WHAT
What is that smell?! Did every
single one of you put on cologne?

MATT
Absolutely not! A little aftershave
maybe, but not cologne.

DOCTOR WHAT
Cut back next time, all of you.
Where are we landing?

GBW
Near one of the fortified compounds,
by Sault Ste. Marie in Michigan.

EXT. – OUTSIDE SAULT STE. MARIE – NIGHT-

The shuttle lands smoothly in an open field, the door opens, and the ramp slides out. The entire crew rushes the door at once and gets jammed up. DOCTOR WHAT finally squeezes through and the rest fall down.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get up, you idiots! If there were
hostiles here, we’d all be dead!

MATT
Who cares? Where are the cuties?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not here, obviously. Form up and let’s go look.

The away team readies their weapons and starts moving to the north. They only take 10 steps when MATT, on point, steps on something that cracks.

MATT
What the…. Damn! It’s a skeleton!

The team spreads out to look, and the camera shifts to their POV. It pans to show dozens of skeletons on the ground, skulls and bones scattered far and wide.

WEAPON M
Jesus! They’ve all been gnawed on!
Something ate all these people!

DOCTOR WHAT
Crap! I should have known!
Is it too much to ask that we
find a timeline where nookie is
free and easy?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
If we did, we probably wouldn’t leave.

DOCTOR WHAT
True. Well, this changes things.
GBW, we can’t risk losing the shuttle…
stay with it.

GBW looks like he is going to argue, but he looks at the skeletons and nods. He walks back up the shuttle ramp and sits at the controls. He powers up a spotlight and shines it ahead of the team. A man is revealed in the beam. It is HERMANUBIS, dressed in camouflage fatigues and carrying a rifle.

HERMANUBIS
Are you guys insane? Put that light out!
Don’t you know it will attract them?
They always hunt more at night!

DOCTOR WHAT
Who are they? And why are you
out here at night then?

HERMANUBIS
I was scrounging for supplies in the ruins…
ran out of gas and ammo… oh no!

HERMANUBIS spins around, and a redheaded woman steps into the light. It is Alyson HANNIGAN, wearing a simple bloodstained shift.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh. My. God. Alyson?!
(wipes slobber from mouth)

HERMANUBIS drops his rifle in numb fear. A second Alyson HANNIGAN, identical to the first, steps into view, and then three more. All stare intently at HERMANUBIS.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(drops to knees)
I’ve died and gone to Heaven…

HERMANUBIS screams and turns to run, but the Alysons all leap on him. One tears out HERMANUBIS’ throat with her teeth, while the others begin messily devouring him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Alysons! What are you doing?!
Stop that! Bad Alysons!! Bad!!
Do it to me!

The Alysons all look up from their meal and stare at PSYCHOMELTDOWN. They hiss and start moving towards him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yes, come to me, my Alysons.
Come to me….

DR WHAT grabs PSYCHOMELTDOWN and pulls him back.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at the Alysons)
Oh, God. Forgive me!
(to MATT and WeaponM)
Take ‘em out!

MATT and WEAPON M cut loose with all weapons, and the Alysons drop dying and snarling on the ground.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
A… Al… Alyson!
(screaming)
NOOOOOOO!!

MATT
I feel sick…

WEAPON M
(patting MATT’s back)
It had to be done.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN curls into a ball, sobbing. Loud banging from the rear is heard. The team turns to see the shuttle being overrun by dozens of vicious TARA REIDs. They are on the roof and on all sides, beating on it with sticks and bones. More Taras are running up the ramp (which GBW neglected to close) and into the shuttle. Two revolver shots are heard, then nothing. More Taras are running madly towards the team.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy sh… shoot ‘em!

MATT and WEAPON M fire into the advancing Taras, while DOCTOR WHAT drags PSYCHOMELTDOWN to his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
The shuttle’s gone! Let’s head
north to that compound… now!

The team runs off to the north, pursued by dozens of TARA REIDs. Dozens lie dead around the shuttle, but more are in pursuit.

EXT- OUTSIDE SAULT STE. MARIE- COMPOUND- NIGHT

The camera shows a large wall surrounding several buildings. The battlements are bristling with searchlights and weapons. A man on the wall can be seen pointing to something out of view.

ANGLE POV MAN ON BATTLEMENTS. At first, all that is seen is darkness lit up by flashes of weapons fire. Then, the away team runs into view, MATT and WEAPON M firing behind them as they move. The away team moves off camera, and seconds later, a horde of celebs move into the scene, a mass of beautiful women snarling and hissing.

POV FRONT GATES OF COMPOUND.. The away team is moving that way, but the gates stay shut. The away team turns at bay, and the horde of celebs fans out in front of them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let us in, damn it!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Alyson….

DOCTOR WHAT
Would you shut up about her… them… already!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I always wanted to be bitten by Alyson Hannigan.
But not like this… NOT LIKE THIS!!

VOICE (off screen)
Cover fire! Open the gates!

A storm of gunfire blasts off of the wall into the celebs, and they fall back. The gates swing open and a fire team in fatigues runs out, M-16s at the ready. They are DRACONIS NOIR, NRED, MERRY PRANKSTER, and DOMINUS NOVUS. Two massive forms behind them come into view: 20’ tall Mechs with .50 cal machine guns for arms and the words ‘Michigan Militia’ painted on their chests. A soldier can be seen piloting each Mech from a cockpit in the ‘head’.

DRACONIS NOIR
Get inside! Move move move!!

The away team runs through the gates, followed by the mechs and fire team, who back up warily, shooting into the celebs as they retreat.

INT. – THE COMPOUND- INNER COURTYARD- NIGHT

The away team looks around the courtyard. The mechs are moving off camera, and the fire team pulls off their helmets. DRACONIS NOIR faces the away team angrily.

DRACONIS NOIR
Why the hell are you wandering
around out there at night?

DOMINUS NOVUS takes a close look at WEAPON M and straightens to attention.

DOMINUS NOVUS
Captain! You’re with this group? But how….

VOICE (OS)
That’s not me, sergeant.

Both teams turn to see ATL WEAPON M standing in a doorway. He wears military fatigues and a single .45 Colt automatic at his belt. He walks over to the away team, looks over them suspiciously, and finally looks at WEAPON M.

ATL WEAPON M
You better explain yourselves. Quickly.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
OK. Can we sit down? This’ll take a while.

INT. – COMPOUND- MESS HALL- NIGHT

The away team is seated at a table, with ATL WEAPON M across from them.

ATL WEAPON M
That’s the strangest story I’ve ever heard.
You’re a bunch of dimension hopping explorers?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes.

ATL WEAPON M
And you saw that there were millions of
young women here and just came flying
on down hoping to get some? Without
checking into the situation any further?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… yes.

MATT
(sighing)
I haven’t had tang in days…
(off DOCTOR WHAT’s look)
Er…Months…

ATL WEAPON M
I see. I am sorry about your
shuttle, but they have it now.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, ‘they’. What caused this nightmare?

ATL WEAPON M
It’s not certain. A few years ago, every
young pretty celebrity disappeared. They
reappeared a few months later, but everyone
soon noticed that there were more than
one of each and that they were eating people.
The best guess is that it is some bizarre
cloning experiment gone wrong. The
governments tried to stop them, but more
and more appeared every day. They over-
whelmed the army, the police, and finally
the civilians. Luckily, I had the Michigan Militia
to build this place, and I brought in whatever
survivors I could find.

MATT
But why are they eating people?
In most timelines, these people
don’t eat much of anything and
I bet that people are fattening.

ATL WEAPON M
We have an idea about that. From what
we can tell by dissecting their bodies, all
the celebs have a type of organic modem
in their brains. We can detect a signal being
broadcast to their brains, but we can’t
find out where it’s coming from. Still,
it seems obvious the celebs are being
controlled by it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait a minute! A CLONING experiment?!
Did this whole thing start in Canada, by chance?

ATL WEAPON M
Yes, around Ottawa, from what I’ve heard. Why?

The away team all groan in frustration, except for DOCTOR WHAT, who hunches in his chair.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(muttering)
If he’s not a porn star, he’s a mad scientist.
Why can’t he be just a simple government
employee or something like that?

WEAPON M
Let me guess… somewhere near Ottawa is a
huge science lab named What Laboratories or
What Research Labs, or something like that.

ATL WEAPON M
Why, yes, the What Research Center.
Is that the cause of all this?

DOCTOR WHAT hunches even lower in his chair.

MATT
Probably. Well, we can solve your problem
for you. But how do we get there?

DOCTOR WHAT
Let me talk to Leo.

DOCTOR WHAT takes out his com unit and switches it on.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! You there? Come in, Leo.

LEO CAESIUS
Arrrhhhh!!! Slow down, damn you all!

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo? What’s going on?

LEO CAESIUS
Dr! Everyone who wanted to go on the
mission and didn’t is trying to download
your porn collection! I can’t keep up
with all the requests!

DOCTOR WHAT
Tell them to stay out of my lesbian sex toy movies!
Those are all mine! Mine! MINE!!

Everyone looks at DOCTOR WHAT in surprise and disgust.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind. Leo, I’m looking for an active computer
emitting a radio signal somewhere near Ottawa…
can you see it?

LEO CAESIUS
Ottawa? What did your counterpart do this time?
Wait… found it. It’s 10 miles southeast of Ottawa.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good. If I hook up the com unit to that
computer, can you hack into it?

LEO CAESIUS
Certainly. It’s a primitive machine.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great! I’ll get back to you.
(turns to the others) .
Well, we can do it, but we
still have to get there.

ATL WEAPON M
We do have one stealth helicopter left.
Now that we know where to go, we can
let you use it. It has the range easily.
How about I send a pilot and some extra
personnel for firepower with you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Sounds like a plan.
Let’s get prepared.
We’ll leave at first light.

WEAPON M
So, we’re not getting laid?
Damn.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – COMPOUND- INNER COURTYARD- DAY

The away team is ready to go. DRACONIS NOIR, DOMINUS NOVUS, NRED, and ATL WEAPON M are nearby. The first three all have M-16s and backpack satchel charges.

ATL WEAPON M
Dominus will be your pilot, and
the others will be extra guns.
You might need them.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at NRED)
Wait. You’re just a kid!
You shouldn’t be going.

NRED
So what?! I wanna go too!

DOCTOR WHAT
Give me one good reason why I should.

NRED
Becauuuuse… I’m a pretty young lesbian
and you can’t resist me.

DOCTOR WHAT
I can too!

NRED looks at DOCTOR WHAT and slowly licks her lips.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok, you can… no! You’re not going!

NRED
I like girls.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring slack jawed)
Ok, you can go.

The camera switches to DOMINUS NOVUS, sitting in the cockpit of the helicopter, flipping switches and revving up the rotors. He stops and looks around as a low rumbling sounds is heard. The camera switches back to the away team, who all stagger as a low tremor rolls across the compound. Suddenly, a hole opens under a section of the wall, which collapses. A swarm of snarling celebs pours out of the hole.

DRACONIS NOIR
They’ve tunneled under us!

MATT
(muttering)
Well, duh, Captain Obvious.

The camera switches to the two militia Mechs. Another hole opens up beneath one of them, and it topples over. Another swarm of celebs climbs out of this hole. The pilot of the other mech starts to climb up to the cockpit, but a pair of ANGELINA JOLIEs pulls him down and the celebs make short work of him. The camera switches back to ATL WEAPON M, who draws his pistol.

ATL WEAPON M
Get going! Now!

ATL WEAPON M runs out of the scene. The team runs to the helicopter, where DOMINUS NOVUS now has it ready to take off. The team ducks the blades and piles into the chopper. WEAPON M pauses and looks back, and the camera switches to his POV. ATL WEAPON M stands in the middle of his militia, shouting orders and firing his pistol. WEAPON M climbs onto the helicopter and it lifts off, barely ahead of a pack of CHRISTY BRINKLEYs that runs onto the helipad. The camera climbs with the helicopter, and the team is seen looking down out of the windows. The camera switches to a high shot over the compound. The horde of celebs is overrunning the last of the militia, and finally, there is no resistance left.

Fade to black.

EXT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- DAY-

The camera focuses on a large brightly lit building. There is an open door on one side, and a steady trickle of celebs moves out of it, fanning across the countryside. The camera closes in on one of them, a SHANNON ELIZABETH, who stops and looks up. The stealth helicopter flies into view and hovers over the center.

INT- STEALTH HELICOPTER-

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, this is certainly the place.
Let’s land on that helipad at the
back of the facility.

WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- HELIPAD- DAY-

The helicopter has landed and shut down. The team has exited the aircraft, except for DOMINUS NOVUS, still in the cockpit.

DOCTOR WHAT
Remember, Dominus, any sign of celebs,
and you take off. We can’t lose the chopper.

DOMINUS NOVUS nods and shuts the helicopter hatch. The team moves towards a door on the largest building. The center is eerily quiet, except for the low hum of machinery. The team pauses by the door.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok, two things we need to do.
First, find the computers and
hack Leo into them. Second,
blow up the cloning facilities.

MATT
Third, find your counterpart here
and slap him around for creating
this whole mess.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, he might have had a
good reason for doing it.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, every timeline needs
packs of cannibal celebrities.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just open the door.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN cautiously opens the door, peeks inside, and motions to the rest to move inside.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- MAIN HALL-

The team is moving down a long corridor, passing several doors. Signs on the doors read “Nuclear Fission Applications”, “Penguin Genetic Manipulation”, “Oversized Rodent Program” and “Orbital Laser Control”. The team stops in front of a door that reads “Cloning Genetic Sources”.

DOCTOR WHAT
This looks promising.

MATT
What gave it away, asshat?

INT. WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- CLONING GENETIC SOURCES ROOM – DAY

The team is seen entering the room. They see a huge chamber with dozens of large glass cylinders. Each is filled with a bubbling clear fluid and a woman is suspended motionless inside, eyes closed.

DRACONIS NOIR
Is this where the clones are made?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, they are all different. I think these
are all the original celebrities! They’re
in suspended animation.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN suddenly gasps, runs forward to a cylinder, drops to his knees in front of it, hugs it, and plants wet sloppy kisses on the glass. The original Alyson HANNIGAN is inside it. DOCTOR WHAT sees a door at the opposite end of the room and points to it. MATT drags PSYCHOMELTDOWN from the cylinder, his lips coming loose from the glass with an audible pop. The team stops in front of the door, which has a sign reading “DOCTOR WHAT’s Private Quarters. Please Knock”. The team pushes through the door without knocking.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- DOCTOR WHAT’S PRIVATE QUARTERS- DAY

The room is furnished with only a huge canopied bed and an armoire. The team spreads out to look around. WEAPON M walks around to the foot of the bed and sees a skeleton sprawled on the floor there.

WEAPON M
Who’s this? Is this the Dr.?
You’ve looked better…

MATT
He’s dead? So, is this whole place running
on autopilot? Maybe all we need to do is
shut the computers down.

A high pitched laugh is heard coming from the armoire. MATT walks softly over to it, and yanks the door open. A bald hunchbacked dwarf stumbles out. It is LUAKEL (who suffered several genetic accidents in the womb in this TL) .

MATT
Awwwww! What a cute little gnome!
Can I kill it?

MATT pats LUAKEL on the head, and he waves his little arms irritably.

LUAKEL
No touch! Luakel no like intruders!

DOCTOR WHAT
Why were you hiding?
Are the celebs after you?

LUAKEL
Celebs like Luakel! The Master made clones
for his harem. Master was going to make one
clone each and let originals go. Master controlled
clones with computer. Clones no like Luakel
at first and treat him bad. But Master died while
performing oral sex on Jessica Simpson. Now
Luakel is the Master! Luakel change computer
so that many clones are made, and they like
Luakel, and they eat everyone else. Soon,
clones eat all others, and Luakel be alone with them!

WEAPON M
Why, you little runt! You are
the cause of all this disaster!

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry, Luakel, we’re going to shut down
your production line here.

LUAKEL
Luakel think not. Get them!!

The team turns and sees a pack of celebs in the doorway. They pour into the room and more smash their way in through the windows. MATT tosses LUAKEL back into the armoire, and the team fires at the advancing celebs.

DOCTOR WHAT
There’s another door over there! Run for it!

The teams runs towards the opposite end of the room. DOCTOR WHAT opens the door and sees a corridor. The team runs down it, with NRED at the rear, backing up quickly and shooting at the celebs swarming after them. The hall ends at a cross corridor, and the team moves down the left hallway. NRED doesn’t see this, and she stumbles and falls backwards. On the ground, she shoots a snarling JENNIFER ANISTON that is running at her. Seconds later, she shoots a GWYNNETH PALTROW in mid leap, dropping her to the ground. NRED jumps back to her feet and empties her clip into the celebs, who pause and step back for a moment. NRED turns and runs into the cross corridor. She pauses, obviously confused… the rest of the team is nowhere in sight. NRED runs down the right hand corridor, unknowingly the opposite direction.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- COMPUTER ROOM- DAY

The team runs into the room and slams the door shut. Looking around, they see 10 massive supercomputers, all blinking and beeping and doing mysterious computer things. DOCTOR WHAT runs over to one of them and looks at it a moment. He pulls out his com unit and hooks it up to a data port.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! The link is in place.
Can you take control?

LEO CAESIUS
Processing.

A series of loud thumps on the door draws everyone’s gaze. The door crashes down and snarling celebs charge into the room in overwhelming numbers.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- CLONING CHAMBER-DAY

NRED is seen running through a doorway. She stops, eyes wide in shock. The camera switches to her POV. The room is huge and domed. In the center of it is a giant bloated ROSANNE BARR, shackled and chained. Instead of a normal human posterior, it has a long thorax that is suspended over a conveyer belt. The thorax is laying large green pods onto the belt, a steady stream of them being carried to an exit on another wall. The pods are translucent and attractive female forms can be seen twitching inside them. The camera switches back to NRED, who looks behind her. A pack of celebs stands in the doorway, but are apparently forbidden to enter this room. NRED looks back at the ROSEANNE BARR and then hauls the backpack satchel charge off her shoulder. She pulls the lanyard, throws it at the feet of the ROSEANNE BARR, and turns to run. The noise rouses the ROSEANNE BARR, who emits a piercing shriek. NRED falls down, hands clamped over her ears. The satchel charge explodes, shredding the ROSEANNE BARR. NRED gets shakily back onto her feet, pieces of Roseanne falling around her.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- COMPUTER ROOM-

The celebs have poured across the whole room. One tackles PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who struggles for a moment, and then realizes it is an Alyson HANNIGAN. He hugs her tightly.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, Alyson, if only… ouch!…
you would stop… ouch!… trying
to eat my face, we could… ouch!…
be so happy together…
ouch! Ouch! OUCH!!

DRACONIS NOIR is standing his ground, firing into the celebs, when a floor panel behind him crashes open. Several female arms reach up and drag him down with well manicured hands. His scream is heard briefly before it cuts off suddenly. MATT is doing well, plasma rifle and power armor keeping him safe. A JENNIFER GARNER sneaks up behind him and dumps a bucket of water all over him. MATT’s power armor sparks, smokes, and locks into place. Unable to move, MATT falls down. Celebs beat on him with shovels and crowbars.

MATT
Damn it, Howery, you said you’d fix this!!

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is checking items off of his ‘things to do’ list. He pauses when he sees a line that says “waterproof MATT’s power armor.”

He shrugs and mumbles ‘oops.’.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- COMPUTER ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT faces the celebs alone.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s times like these that I wish
I wasn’t totally incompetent
with all types of weapons.

An ANNA NICOLE SMITH moves up to DOCTOR WHAT, hands circling his throat and bosom pinning him against the wall. Her teeth are bared as she prepares to chew his face off.

LEO CAESIUS
(voice booming through speakers on the walls)
I… HAVE… CONTROL.

The ANNA NICOLE SMITH releases DOCTOR WHAT. All the celebs stand still, eyes closed, as if listening intently.

LEO CAESIUS
Processing. Reprogramming.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- LUAKEL’S QUARTERS– DAY

LUAKEL is reclining on a couch. An ELIZA DUSHKU, a JENNIFER CONNELLY, and a MARIAH CAREY are caressing him and feeding him grapes. Suddenly, the three celebs stop, stand up, and close their eyes.

LUAKEL
What you do?
Touch Luakel!
Feed Luakel!

The celebs open their eyes and look down viciously at LUAKEL. He barely has time to scream before they lunge at him.

INT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- COMPUTER ROOM- DAY

DOCTOR WHAT looks around as NRED runs into the room. PSYCHOMELTDOWN is still hugging the now-quiet Alyson HANNIGAN and touching her in ways that are totally inappropriate for a girl he just met. MATT is still pinned in his frozen power armor and cussing mightily.

DOCTOR WHAT
We finally have control of this mess.
But what should we do now?

LEO CAESIUS
Dr.! The programming has a fail safe code!
My takeover has triggered the self destruct
program and I can’t shut it down. You have
20 minutes to get away.

MATT
Just great! Would you all mind
dragging me out of here?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wait!
Give me ten minutes!

EXT- WHAT RESEARCH CENTER- HELIPAD- DAY-

The stealth helicopter, team all aboard, lifts off and flies away.

INT- STEALTH HELICOPTER- DAY

The team is looking out the windows, back towards the research center… except for MATT, who was tossed facedown on the floor. The research center suddenly vanishes as a huge pillar of fire and smoke consumes it. The away team all go ‘oooooh’ and ‘aaaahhh’.

MATT
I can’t see anything!

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, you missed it anyway.
Now lie there like a good boy.

MATT
(muttering)
I’ll get all of them for this.

EXT- OUTSIDE SAULT STE. MARIE- DAY-

The helicopter lands near the shuttle. The away team exits the chopper, dragging MATT with them. DOCTOR WHAT waves to DOMINUS NOVUS.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for the lift!
Good luck with the rebuilding.

DOMINUS NOVUS and NRED wave, and the helicopter lifts off and flies away. The away team walks cautiously up the ramp to the shuttle.

WEAPON M
Poor GBW. Do you think they
left enough of him for the med lab
to fix him up?

DOCTOR WHAT
I doubt it, but let’s check.

INT- AH.COM SHUTTLE—DAY

The away team steps into view. The camera pans to show the interior of the shuttle is messy and a little battered, but no extensive damage. There is no sign of GBW.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn! They must have eaten every scrap of him.

A loud thump is heard from the rear of the shuttle. A panel opens, revealing a cold storage locker. GBW falls out of it, teeth chattering, hands shaking, icicle hanging from his nose and ears.

GBW
Y-you l-l-left m-m-me here t-t-to f-freeze.
W-w-when I c-c-can hold a g-g-gun again,
I’m g-g-going t-t-to k-k-kill y-you all!

GBW passes out and falls down.

Pull back

Fade out.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT- OUTSIDE SAULT STE. MARIE- DAY-

The team has repaired all the damage and is preparing to leave. PSYCHOMELTDOWN is dragging a huge duffel bag towards the ramp. DOCTOR WHAT looks at it. Something is obviously alive in the bag and struggling to get out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Is that what I think it is?! Let her go.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Ah, come on! There are hundreds of
her here. They won’t miss just one!

A rip opens in the bag and a shapely female leg lunges out, foot connecting solidly with PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S groin. His eyes pop open wide and he sinks to his knees.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(high squeaky voice)
Never mind. I don’t
want her right now.

The bag rips wide open and a disheveled Alyson Hannigan pops out of it. She glares at PSYCHOMELTDOWN and runs away. The final camera scene shows her running into the setting sun, the music of “Born Free” playing as the scene fades to black.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

EXT.- LUXURIOUS CRUISE SHIP DECK – DAY

We pan slowly over the deck of a huge and expensive looking cruise ship. We see (from left to right) DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, KIT and IRONYUPPIE lying on some chairs, enjoying the sun.

MATT
Doc—did I mention to you that I’m really
loving this idea of yours! ‘Let’s find a world
where they are NOT trying to kill us’ you said.
‘Let’s sell some stuff and take a real vacation
for a change’. Brilliant!

KIT
Yup! I totally agree with the big guy here, Doc!
Although—you have to admit that the fact that
all those porn DVDs got a lot higher resale value
than expected was a bit of a bonus.

IRONYUPPIE
Well—the fact that nearly all the stars in those
movies are legitimate politicians and models in
this TL probably had something to do with that.
By the way, Doc—thanks for taking a bullet for
the team and agreeing to sell all your DVDs

DOCTOR WHAT
Eh—I had to get some new ones anyway—
they were getting kind of worn out.

The four AH.commers lean back into their chairs.

We see three stunningly beautiful people in skimpy bikinis—a redheaded female, a brunette female and a tall blonde male—walk towards a bar near the AH.commers.

DOCTOR WHAT shifts his sunglasses up a notch, glances at the threesome and leans back down into his chair.

DOCTOR WHAT
I would do the redhead.

MATT shifts his sunglasses up a notch, glances at the threesome and leans back down into his chair.

MATT
I’d do the brunette.

KIT shifts his sunglasses up a notch, glances at the threesome and leans back down into his chair.

KIT
I would do the blonde.

IRONYUPPIE shifts her sunglasses up a notch, glances at the threesome and leans back down into her chair.

IRONYUPPIE
I did all three of them last night.

REACTION SHOT: The three male ah.commers stare open-mouthed at IRONYUPPIE. She grins and shrugs.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE SHIP SANK – DEAL WITH IT”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – LUXURIOUS CRUISE SHIP ‘U.S.S. TITAN’ – DAY

Huge vessel crossing the screen.

Pull in toward the ship, fade to:

INT. – BAR – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF sitting in front of a chess board. However all of the chess pieces have been replaced by shot glasses filled with different colored liquids.

DOCTOR WHAT
Bishop to Queen’s rook six!
(moving a shot glass to one square. He drinks the shot glass that was occupying that square)
Check!

GREY WOLF
Knight takes bishop!
(drinks a shot glass as well)
Er…why are there two boards…..?

DOCTOR WHAT
(a beat)
…I see three of them….

EXT. – SWIMMING POOL – DAY

We see MATT sitting in front of a large group of bikini clad women.

MATT
(pointing at a scar on his arm)
…I got this pulling a puppy out of a burning building…

WOMEN
….awwwwwwwwww….

INT. – SAUNA – DAY

We see KIT sitting in a hot tub with JUSTIN PICKARD and NOMADICSKY

KIT
…oh, so you like long walks on the beach too….

INT. – LOUNGE-DAY

TORQ is talking to a woman dressed like a hippy with an acoustic guitar on her lap

TORQ
…yeah, I can prescribe drugs and everything….

INT. – INTERNET CAFÉ – DAY

We see LEO in his robot body. His robot body looks like something out of a Leonardo DaVinci wet dream. He’s sitting next to laptop computer.

LEO
…if I may be so bold, you have a
really amazing pair of speakers…

LAPTOP
(giggling)
Tee-hee-hee! You’re so sweet….

INT. – ANOTHER LOUNGE-DAY

WEAPON M is talking to two smiling women.

WEAPON M
I’ve had a threesome!

INT. – CAFE-DAY

IRONYUPPIE is talking to a well-dressed couple.

IRONYUPPIE
…really? Do you have the
handcuffs in your cabin now?….

INT. – BAR-DAY

DAVE HOWERY is talking to a woman. We see that she’s wearing a prominently placed button that says ‘Canada Sucks!’

WOMAN
…so how hard can it be? A few battalions
of mecha warriors and those Canucks will
surrender almost immediately. Then the
U.S. will take its rightful place as ruler of
all of North America.

DAVE HOWERY
(drooling)
…marry me….please….

INT. – ANOTHER BAR-DAY

HENDRYK is talking to a petite Asian woman.

HENDRYK
Really? You read anime too?!

INT. – DANCE CLUB – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE and OTHNIEL are sitting at a table with several other women.

FIRST GORGEOUS WOMAN
Oh—we find engineers so hot!

SECOND GORGEOUS WOMAN
The only thing I find hotter than
engineers are cute virgin Christian males
between the ages of eighteen and twenty!

OTHNIEL
(blushing)
….uh….

INT. – SHOOTING RANGE-DAY

LANDSHARK is shooting at targets. There’s a tall and vaguely psychotic looking blonde woman next to him.

PSYCHOTIC BLONDE
Oh sure—the Colt M1911 is a reliable gun
but nothing beats the Glock 37 for
sheer stopping power….

LANDSHARK
(awestruck)
Uh-huh….

INT. – YET ANOTHER BAR-DAY

DIAMOND is talking to a ‘biker chick’

BIKER CHICK
(showing off a tattoo on her bicep)
I got this in Cuba!

DIAMOND
(showing off a tattoo on his arm)
I got this one while on leave in Spain!

INT. – ANOTHER DANCE CLUB-DAY

We see GBW, DMA and MICHAEL. They’re eyeing several women who are giving them appreciative looks.

GBW
Which one you want?

DMA
The mean and dirty one.

MICHAEL
You’re a sick man, DMA…

DMA
Damn straight I am.
(takes a pull of his beer)

INT. – GENTLEMEN’S CLUB – DAY

ABDUL is talking to an immaculately dressed swarthy young man.

SWARTHY YOUNG MAN
I despise Ikea stores—I think they are
a pox upon society! Things have been
going downhill in our world ever since
the Ottoman Empire collapsed if you ask me.….

INT. – YET ANOTHER BAR – DAY

THANDE is chatting with a young woman.

WOMAN
…and that’s how I managed to perfect a
technique to make radioactive chloroform…

INT. – CLOSET – DAY

STRAHA is sitting in the closet with a woman smoking a huge joint.

STRAHA
…and that’s how the Giant Sheep religion started…

WOMAN
Wow…I’ve never been with a real prophet before….

INT. – DECK ZZ- PASSENGER QUARTERS-BOW OF SHIP-NIGHT

We are in the very bowels of the ship. The passenger room is the size of a small closet and has water pipes hanging from the ceiling. Brown water drips from one of the pipes.

GRIMM REAPER
Report!

FORTYSEVEN
Virtually the entire crew is
aboard the ship, sir!

GRIMM REAPER
Excellent! With just one stroke we
can wipe out all our enemies forever!

FORTYSEVEN
How are we going to kill them?

GRIMM REAPER
(deep in thought)
I’m thinking…..something involving….an iceberg….
(stroking an orange cat sitting on his lap)

FORTYSEVEN
(rolling eyes)
(sotto voice)
Yeah—real original….

INT. – DECK ZZ -PASSENGER QUARTERS-STERN OF SHIP-NIGHT

We see a dingy passenger quarter—possibly even more dingy than the one we just saw. We see the back of a mysterious figure speaking into a communicator.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Is everything set up?

COMMUNICATOR VOICE (OS)
Everything will be set up in about an hour, sir.

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Excellent

Mysterious figure puts communicator away. He turns around and we see that it is…the MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(talking to the camera)
Hey—I DID say I’ll get my
revenge back in episode one….
(laughs insanely)

INT. – SHIP CORRIDOR – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT staggering down a corridor. He manages to get to his room and, after about three tries, manages to open his door. We see a black cat poke its head out the door for few seconds then quickly runs back inside the room.

EXT. – DECK – DAY

We see IRONYUPPIE walking along the deck. She passes by a couple that’s standing at the very bow of the ship.

ANNOYINGLY CUTE WOMAN
Oh—these last few days have been wonderful!

ANNOYINGLY CUTE MAN
I thought that I was happy by myself but
these last few days have shown me the
errors of my ways. You completed me!

ANNOYINGLY CUTE WOMAN
And you complete me, darling!

ANNOYINGLY CUTE MAN
Don’t you wish that everyone
can be as happy as us?

During this entire conversation, we see that IRONYUPPIE is getting increasingly more and more annoyed. She actually looks sick to her stomach.

ANNOYINGLY CUTE WOMAN
Darling! Kiss me and show me that
this is not some dream!

They kiss long and passionately. IRONYUPPIE looks like she’s about five seconds away from losing her lunch. The couple stops kissing and the man actually gets onto the railing of the ship.

ANNOYINGLY CUTE MAN
I’m King of the World!

IRONYUPPIE rolls her eyes and turns around and walks towards the couple, who have their backs to her. IRONYUPPIE suddenly pushes the couple off the railing. We hear a loud high pitched screaming from the couple and—after a few seconds—a distant splash. IRONYUPPIE nods her head and walks away from the railing.

IRONYUPPIE
I hated that fucking movie…..

INT. – MAIN DINING HALL – DAY

We see most of the AH.commers are sitting around at various tables eating and drinking to their heart’s content. We see pretty much the entire crew except LEO, DOCTOR WHAT, and IRONYUPPIE. Many of the AH.commers are with newfound ‘friends’. For some strange reason, there is a large decorated Christmas tree near one end of the room. A group of nuns are sitting at one table singing folk songs. One of them is playing a guitar.

INT. – DECK ZZ- PASSENGER QUARTERS-BOW OF SHIP – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
Is everything set up?

FORTYSEVEN
Yup—a big-ass iceberg will be teleported
into the path of the ship in just a few minutes.
This baby is going to sink in nothing flat!

GRIMM REAPER
(stroking his cat)
Excellent….

INT. – DECK ZZ – PASSENGER QUARTERS – STERN OF SHIP- DAY

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Are we set up?

COMMUNICATOR VOICE (OS)
Tsunami coming your way in just over 2 minutes….

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT hits a button on the communicator. With a slight humming sound, we see MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT enveloped by a sparkling white light and slowly begins to fade from view.

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT
(sneering)
God—I’m so evil….

MIRROR DOCTOR WHAT teleports completely away.

INT. – MAIN DECK – EVENING

We see IRONYUPPIE walking along the deck. It’s almost sunset and she seems to be the only one on deck. She’s staring out to sea deep in thought. She suddenly does a double take and looks to her right. We see what looks like a black smudge on the horizon. The smudge starts getting bigger….and bigger….and bigger…

IRONYUPPIE
(quietly)
Oh….crap….

IRONYUPPIE starts running.

INT. – MAIN DINING HALL – NIGHT

We see assorted AH.commers drinking and eating and having the time of their life. DIAMOND is sitting at a table when he notices his glass shake and slowly slide off the table.

DIAMOND
What the…?

INT. – DECK ZZ – PASSENGER QUARTERS – BOW OF SHIP – NIGHT

We see GRIMM REAPER and FORTYSEVEN.

GRIMM REAPER
What’s that sound?

FORTYSEVEN
Beats me—iceberg’s not going to
be teleported for another 5 minutes…

EXT. – MAIN DECK – NIGHT

We see IRONYUPPIE run to a maintenance hatch and frantically try to pry it open. We see, on the horizon behind her, a very large tidal wave coming towards the ship.

IRONYUPPIE
C’mon you stupid piece of…

With a loud squeal the hatch opens and IRONYUPPIE flings herself down the hatch just as the tidal wave is about to hit the ship.

EXT. – CRUISE SHIP – HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT – NIGHT

We see a massive tidal wave wash right over the cruise ship. For a few seconds it looks like the ship is doing okay—but then it suddenly capsizes.

INT. – SHIP-MAIN DINING HALL- NIGHT

Massive pandemonium as tables, chairs and numerous people are flung in every direction. All the lights go out.

INT. – DECK ZZ- PASSENGER QUARTERS-BOW OF SHIP-NIGHT

We see GRIMM REAPER and FORTYSEVEN get flung around the room.

INT. – INTERNET CAFÉ-NIGHT

We see a laptop computer sitting on LEO’s lap. LEO is smoking a cigarette. The laptop has a large image of a lit cigarette on its screen. We suddenly see the two of them get flung about the room.

EXT. – CRUISE SHIP – HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT – NIGHT

We see the cruise ship now floating on a relatively calm sea. It is now completely upside down.

INT-PASSENGER DECK-NIGHT

We pan slowly along the deck. The entire ship is upside down, with the floor now the ceiling and the ceiling now the floor. Debris of all kinds has been flung about the area. We see that the new ‘floor’ has an inch or so of water—and the water level is getting higher with each passing moment.

We see a room door slowly open. We see DOCTOR WHAT come out of the room. He stares for a very long moment at all the chaos. He looks at the floor and the ceiling and then back at the floor again and then sighs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Aw, shit.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – MAIN DINING HALL –NIGHT

We see the remains of the hall scattered about. Slowly at first but increasing rapidly, we start hearing groans coming from lots of people slowly digging their way out of the piles of debris. We see DIAMOND, MATT and WEAPON M crawl out of one pile.

DIAMOND
What the HELL was that?

WEAPON M
Where’s the rest of the gang?

MATT
Somewhere around here…
I think. I’ll look around.

MATT and WEAPON M stagger off looking for more survivors. DIAMOND’s communicator suddenly starts beeping.

DIAMOND
(answering communicator)
Hello?

DOCTOR WHAT (OS)
You guys alright?

DIAMOND
Doc? Yeah –we’re ok here, I think.
We’re still digging ourselves out.
What the hell happened?

DOCTOR WHAT (OS)
Tidal wave hit us. Capsized us right over.
We’ve only got about 5 or 6 hours before
the ship sinks completely. Our only chance
of escape is to climb up to the lower engine
room and cut our way out of the ship.

DIAMOND
Why can’t we teleport out?

DOCTOR WHAT (OS)
Because everyone started complaining
about being left behind so we just parked
the ship in orbit, remember? I can’t reach
LEO and without him, we can’t interface
with the ship, so we have to do this the
hard way. Remember, you guys gotta get
to the lower engine room within the next
6 hours or you’re dead. I’m going to make
my way there and hopefully we can hook
up at some point. Oh—and keep an eye out
for IRONYUPPIE—I can’t reach her either.

DIAMOND
Will do. Hey Doc—how do you know so
much about what happened and what to do?

DOCTOR WHAT (OS
Saw it on a movie.
Speed 2. Have you see it?
It’s the greatest movie ever made…

DIAMOND
(a beat)
Okay…
Meet you in the Engine Room.
(shuts off com)

DIAMOND looks around the Dining Hall. We see that there are a great many survivors (many of them wounded) . Nearly all of the AH.commers can be seen as well. DIAMOND looks at the exit of the Hall, now located about 20 feet above the ‘floor’. He spots the Christmas tree leaning against one wall—and smiles.

INT. – INTERNET CAFÉ-NIGHT

LEO staggers up off the floor. He looks around and spots the laptop computer—now lying shattered on the ground.. He rushes to the laptop and holds the shattered remains in his arms.

LAPTOP
….Rosebud….
(dies)

OVERHEAD SHOT LOOKING DOWNWARDS-INTERNET CAFÉ

LEO
(facing upwards at the ceiling)
Noooooooooooooooooo!

INT. – LOWER DECKS – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

We see GRIMM REAPER and FORTYSEVEN walking through a wrecked corridor.

GRIMM REAPER
Now, the question is
“Who capsized the ship”?

FORTYSEVEN
I don’t know…
( a beat)
It wasn’t us though.

GRIMM REAPER
( sneering)
Obviously!

They come to an intersection.

FORTYSEVEN
I say we go right

GRIMM REAPER
I say left.

FORTYSEVEN
Well—I’m going right!

GRIMM REAPER
Fine! I’m going left!

FORTYSEVEN
We wouldn’t be having this argument if
you hadn’t accidentally sat down on the
communicator! We could have teleported out!

GRIMM REAPER
Weren’t you going somewhere?

FORTYSEVEN storms off.

GRIMM REAPER turns left and keeps going. Behind him, we see an orange cat following him.

INT. – LOWER DECKS – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT walking down a corridor. There’s a black cat trailing behind him. DOCTOR WHAT turns a corner—and nearly walks into GRIMM REAPER

They stare at each other in shock for a few seconds.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
Why am I not surprised
that YOU are here?

GRIMM REAPER
This is just perfect!

DOCTOR WHAT
You know—at any other time—
I’ll be happy to get into a fight
with you but I’m kind of
pressed for time so…

GRIMM REAPER
Not so fast there—we’re going
to have this out once and for all…

As they argue, we see the two cats hiss at each other. We hear a loud groaning sound—and suddenly, a chunk of the deck collapses—taking the two cats with it. We hear cat screams and a loud splash.

DOCTOR WHAT
Mynx!

GRIMM REAPER
Pumpkin!

DOCTOR WHAT and GRIMM REAPER rush to the edge of the hole. We see nothing but a turbulent pool of water. Both men leap into the water. We see the two men frantically splashing and diving around in the water. After a few seconds, both men come up to the surface, each holding a cat. They manage to make it to the hole and climb out back onto the deck they were in before.

We see that each man is holding the other’s cat. There’s a very long embarrassed pause—then each man exchanges cats. The cats look really miserable looking but otherwise ok.

Long uncomfortable pause. Each man is looking at everything around them except each other.

DOCTOR WHAT
So….

GRIMM REAPER
So….

DOCTOR WHAT
Uhhh….
(a beat)
So…how’s the whole ‘being evil
and destroying the cosmos’ thing
working out for you?

GRIMM REAPER
Has its up and downs
(beat)
How’s the whole ‘being good and
saving the cosmos’ thing working out?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, you know–comme ce, comme ca….

GRIMM REAPER
Heard you almost died again.

DOCTOR WHAT
Meh—happens every couple of weeks—
I’m used to it….

GRIMM REAPER
Uh-huh…

DOCTOR WHAT
So…..

GRIMM REAPER
So….

Extremely long uncomfortable pause.

GRIMM REAPER
Ward’s officially vowed to kill you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Has it already been a year?

GRIMM REAPER
Uh-huh…
It’s become a tradition now, almost.
We have a potluck and everything.
Merry makes the best mashed potatoes…

DOCTOR WHAT
Man, I can’t believe he’s
still holding a grudge.

GRIMM REAPER
You know Ward.
He holds grudges…

DOCTOR WHAT
For five years?
I already said I was sorry.

GRIMM REAPER
Uh-huh…
I’m thinking at this point he
just wants to see you dead…

Long pause.

GRIMM REAPER
(points to water)
Is the water rising?

DOCTOR WHAT
(looks at water)
Yeah, I think it is.

GRIMM REAPER
I think we should leave.

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah, I think so too.

They both get up and look around.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well! I’m going to go this way!
(points in one direction)

GRIMM REAPER
I’m going to go this way!
(points in a completely different direction)

DOCTOR WHAT
It was …uh…nice catching up!

GRIMM REAPER
Same here!
Though the next time we see each other
I’m going to have to kill you, y’know.

DOCTOR WHAT
Same here.

GRIMM REAPER
Bye!

DOCTOR WHAT
Bye!
(a beat)
Wait!

GRIMM REAPER stops.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why capsize the ship with you still on it?

GRIMM REAPER
I didn’t capsize the damn ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then who did?

GRIMM REAPER
Beats the hell out of me.
(continues walking away)

DOCTOR WHAT stares after him and then shrugs.

They continue walking off in different directions, followed by their cats.

INT. – MAIN DINING HALL –NIGHT

We see the Christmas tree leaning against the wall. A large group of passengers and AH.commers are slowly climbing their way up the tree and to the exit.

DIAMOND
So—how many?

MATT
127.

DIAMOND
We have to lead 127 people up
18 decks? In less than six hours?

MATT
Unfortunately.

DIAMOND
Can’t we just leave them behind?

MATT
We can’t do that! We’re the good guys!
Leaving them behind would be cruel
and vicious and just plain bad!

DIAMOND
And that’s wrong……how?
(sees MATT’s reaction)
Fine….we’ll take them.
Where’s KIT?

MATT
He’s tending to the injuries of the
Spanish Men’s Olympic Swim Team.
It seems to involve a lot of
massaging for some reason….

DIAMOND
Where’s HENDRYK?

MATT
Tending to the injuries of a large group
of female Asian exchange students. He
mentioned something about showing
them his ‘etchings’…

DIAMOND
MICHAEL?

MATT
Saw a redheaded female—
ran screaming down a corridor.
We’re still looking for him.

DIAMOND
GREY WOLF?

MATT
He found the Captain’s
secret stash of absinthe.

DIAMOND
STRAHA?

MATT
He and OTHNIEL are having another
fight over whether worshipping Giant
Sheep is considered idolatry.

DIAMOND
LANDSHARK?

MATT
Shooting at random targets with
a psychotic blonde he picked up.

DIAMOND
By the way—what’s up with
him and IRONYUPPIE?

MATT
They’re on a ‘break’—seems they got
into an argument over who’s suppose
to wear the French maid outfit and
who’s suppose to be wearing the
pink day-glow strap on.

DIAMOND
(long pause)
Do I really want to know which one
was suppose to wear the maid outfit
and who was suppose to-

MATT
(shaking head violently)
No.

DIAMOND
(sighing)
We’re going to die here, you know that?

INT. – PASSENGER DECK-NIGHT

We see IRONYUPPIE walking through a half-flooded deck. Her clothes are ripped, her hair is messed up and she’s carrying a large piece of metal railing.

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering to herself)
‘We’ll go on vacation—it would be fun – you
need to relax—what can possibly go wrong?’.
I am so going to pound that short swarthy
loony when I see him…

INT. – INTERNET CAFÉ-NIGHT

We see LEO sitting in a corner. He’s drinking a large bottle of cheap motor oil and singing a Morissey song (off key) . He finishes his song, empties his bottle and staggers away.

MONTAGE OF SCENES—TO THE TUNE OF DRAMATIC JOHN WILLIAMS-LIKE MUSIC

We see quick clips of all the

AH.commers climbing up stairs.

Scrambling up improvised ladders.

Swimming through flooded decks,.

Breaking down doors.

Leaping through burning rooms.

Swinging on torn ropes.

And fighting killer sharks and giant octopi.

We see the Dining Hall AH.commers come across a passed out LEO and carry him on their backs.

We see DOCTOR WHAT turn a corner and nearly run into IRONYUPPIE. There’s a brief moment of shock and surprise and the two hug each other. Then IRONYUPPIE suddenly pushes DOCTOR WHAT off of her, picks up her metal club and starts chasing DOCTOR WHAT down a corridor.

INT. – ENGINE ROOM- DAWN

We see DOCTOR WHAT (with a crude bandage wrapped around his head) and IRONYUPPIE pound down a door and enter the engine room. A few seconds later, another door is pounded down and we see the rest of the AH.commers (with numerous other passengers behind them) enter the room as well.

DOCTOR WHAT
Glad you guys made it!
How’s everyone?

DIAMOND
Doing ok. We’re having trouble
waking LEO up, though. He got
into some really cheap motor oil.
He’s going to pay for it when he wakes up.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well—we might as well get to work and
cut a hole in the hull and get out of here.

They get to work. After a few moments a hole is cut and we see the survivors slowly making their way out.

EXT. – SHIP HULL – DAY

We see all of the AH.commers and passengers standing on the bottom hull of the ship. We notice that the ship is very low in the water. We see a small ship approaching.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn—this sucker is going
to sink in just a few minutes!

VOICE FROM BOAT
Hello there! We have come to rescue you—
but we have room for only 70 people.
You have to choose.

DOCTOR WHAT
They have GOT to be kidding us!
How do we choose?

DIAMOND
All of the AH.commers go plus the
old women and children. That still
leaves us…uh…18 to pick.

IRONYUPPIE
Well—I’m not going without all the…
er…’friends’ I made on this trip.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine.
(turns to crowd)
All those who slept with
IRONYUPPIE, raise their hand.

Sixty-nine hands (both genders) raise up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(annoyed)
You got to be kidding me.
(to IRONYUPPIE)
Do you even know the meaning
of the word ‘restraint’?

IRONYUPPIE
A device that restricts
movement or retards motion
(beat)
(looks at DOCTOR WHAT)
You’re 5’6’’ and 140 lbs, right?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh-no—5’5’’ and 130lbs.
Why do you ask?

IRONYUPPIE
No reason
(sotto voice)
…must remember to make
adjustments…

LEO slowly wakes up.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO! Buddy! We need your help!
We need you to interface with the
ship and activate the teleporter and
get all of us off this ship!

LEO
Huh…wha?…tele-wazzit?…

Ship sinks a few more inches into the water. The hull is barely a foot above the water.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grabbing LEO’s head in his hands)
LEO. Teleporter. People. Off. Ship. Now!

LEO
Right!
(closes his eyes—we hear some mechanical humming noises)

DIAMOND
(pointing to the horizon)
Hey. Look.
The ship capsized before it could
hit that iceberg, straight ahead…

The entire crowd of people—passengers and AH.commers alike—are enveloped by a bright white light and with a loud buzzing sound, they vanish—just as the ship sinks completely beneath the waves….

EXT. – SPORTS ARENA – AMERICAN FOOTBALL GAME-DAY

We see a player run down an open field. The entire crowd is screaming with joy. Suddenly—just as the player is about to make a touchdown, a bright light suddenly envelopes the entire field—and we see over 150 people suddenly appear on the field, knocking the player to the ground—and losing the game in the process, judging by the sudden yelling of the crowd.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking around)
What the fu-
(beat)
Awkward.

WHACK!

DOCTOR WHAT gets sacked by a huge burly player. Moments later the rest of the team piles on, burying him from sight.

Pan to weakly waving hand,.

Pull back.

Fade out.

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM SHIP – LOUNGE – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, KIT and LEO sitting at a table. LEO is clutching his head.

LEO
Hangover hurt…pain…
brain… not working…

DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t you transfer into your AI Core?

LEO
Too… much pain… to transfer
…must rest…first…
(passes out)

KIT
I’m worried—without LEO,
the whole ship is computerless.

DOCTOR WHAT
Relax KIT—the ship survived a few
days without LEO—we can survive another
few hours without incident. Besides—
after our adventure—what more can
possibly go wrong?

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

We suddenly see all the lights and power go off all along the ship.

INT- AH.COM SHIP – LOUNGE – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT and KIT shivering in the dark.

DOCTOR WHAT
(each word is practically spit out)
Not. A. Fucking. Word. From. You.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

The room is empty with a pad and a facing console. A chair faces the pad and there is a door leading to the rest of the ship. Sitting on the chair is G.BONE, doodling on a pad, checking his wristwatch, and then on the console. He goes back to doodling until there is a sound from the com.

DOCTOR WHAT (On com)
G.Bone! Beam us up right now!

G. BONE sits up in his chair, puts the pad aside, and presses a button to the loud speaker.

G. BONE
Where are you? I can’t quite pick up on the scanner!
(Pokes around on the console for dramatic effect)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
( sounds of gunshots in the background)
G.Bone! Stop jacking off in the
Teleportation room and beam us up NOW!

GREY WOLF
(Cutting right after PSYCHOMETLDOWN has shouted, at a higher pitch)
Yeah! And if it’s the porn from my room
it’s your money that’s getting me new tapes!
Fuck.
(more sounds of shooting)

DR. WHAT
Wait a minute-
porn in your room?
You mean MY porn?

GBW
You mean the porn of
Jennifer Garner or Lexa Doig?

Sounds of someone falling over break up the conversation.

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
My Bad-

G.BONE shakes his head and pushes something on the console. There is a shimmering effect on the pad with PSYCHOMELTDOWN, GBW, OTHNIEL, and ARCHANGEL MICHAEL appearing on the pad. GREY WOLF looks around.

GBW
Where’s Dr. What?
(Looks around)

OTHNIEL
(Jumps in joy)
We’re alive!

G. BONE presses another button, looking concentrated, and DR. WHAT appears, holding a gun towards G. BONE. G. BONE ducks as the gun goes off, hitting the wall.

DR. WHAT
Oops.
(Lowers the gun)
Sorry about that G. BONE. I was
shooting at some vampires – and
the strangest thing-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What?

DR. WHAT
No. Some hunk that
KIT would have liked-

KIT suddenly comes through the doors, looking perplexed

KIT
Has anyone seen my Tom Welling poster?
G. BONE- surely you didn’t-
(Spots DR. WHAT and the rest of the team on the pad)

DR. WHAT
Come to think of it-
I think it was Antonio Sabato Jr.-

KIT
(Gasps in shock)
Where???

DR. WHAT
This vampire I shot down on the planet.

KIT
WHAT? You shot -
(a beat)
NOOOOOO!!!!!!

DR. WHAT
(Patting KIT on the back)
Now Kit. Come to my quarters and
let me ply you with alcohol and make
you forget all about this.
(winks at everyone as they head out)

G. BONE frowns and reaches for the doodle pad.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“SYMPATHY DAY”

Written by : G.BONE

ACT 1

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

KIT is crying in the corner near a similar looking console. LEO CAESIUS is looking through some dusty tomes. DIAMOND is talking with PSYCHOMELTDOWN with some strange contraption between them that resembles a machine gun with stakes. G. BONE has just arrived in the elevator.

KIT
(Sobbing with great many tears
They- they – they killed my lover!
To whom shall I ever dress up and
pander to when I have the urges at
midnight with a Sailor Moon Costume!

Everyone in the control room starts to shudder.

LEO CAESIUS
(Looking up from the dusty old tomes in KIT’s direction)
You know in Ancient Persia they had
a practice that if translated into English-

DIAMOND
(Cutting LEO off
You know- there’s always
Ben Browder to consider.

KIT
(Stops sobbing
Yes- but he’s…so…
(Starts to acquire a dreamy look)
He was wearing leather right?
Tight leather, like a Speedo-

G. BONE walks over to KIT and coughs in his hand.

G. BONE
Um…Kit- I was wondering about
the wiring that I called you for-

KIT
(Continuing his line of thought)
And then there would be Antonio- nothing on, -
(Breaks off, noticing G. BONE standing nearby)
What wiring?

G. BONE
The wiring that helps the scanner grab life signs-

DIAMOND
He means the teleporter Kit-

KIT
Oh-
But shouldn’t you talk
to DAVE about that?

G. BONE
(Scratches his ear)
Well- he’s kind of busy at the moment-

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – WEAPONS BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is crouched over a large cannon that resembles…a very large cannon. There are several various machine parts scattered around his person. SBEGIN is holding a very large red target sign and is looking up to DAVE HOWERY who is reaching for a very large crystal rod near him.

SBEGIN
So- why do I have to wear this sign?

DAVE HOWERY
(Busily tinkering around with the cannon)
Because I need to test this cannon against the –
(Stands up, assumes a dramatic pose)
Hated Canucks that dare to defy the
Great American Horde that will fly
the Stars and Bars from the pillars of
Whitehall, Ontario, and the precious
Newfoundland Plain!

SBEGIN
But isn’t Newfoundland an island?

DAVE HOWERY
(Gives SBEGIN an evil look)
Quite you fool! Now- Go yonder and
assume the position of the hated Canucks!

SBEGIN looks towards the end of the hall

A strange looking female goat with the label “GIRLS GO FISHING” is busily grazing on some carrots. There is a familiar looking target sign that also hangs from the goat’s neck.

SBEGIN
But I don’t want to turn into a goat!

DAVE HOWERY
(Turning to the cannon and grabbing the crystal rod)
It won’t hurt a bit!
(to himself)
Well, maybe a little bit.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

LUAKEL lies on the bed with everything covered except his legs, which resemble octopus’s tentacles. His arms are lion’s paws and his face resembles a squid’s.

LUAKEL
(Groans)
If only I had listened to Diamond…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMETLDOWN is near the wall and pulling out stakes from the bulkhead.

KIT
Well- what about Wendell? I’m sure
he’s not busy to help you with that-

LEO CAESIUS
He was the first volunteer for Dave’s laser shotgun.

KIT
How the heck did he do that?

G. BONE
Dave bribed him with …porn.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What porn?

G. BONE
Something with a red headed girl-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What? There’s porn with my
dear lovely Alyson around?
(Grabs G. BONE and shakes him)
Who dares sully the Alyson in such a manner?
Where is it? Where is it?
(continues shaking G. BONE)

G. BONE
Um…Last I heard Cockroach had it…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
NOOOOOOO!
(Runs out of the room)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY– DAY

COCKROACH is shuffling through a couple of DVD’s. He pauses at one with the title “VAMPIRE WILLOW DOES A STRIP TEASE WITH OTHER WILLOWS”.

COCKROACH
This isn’t the porn that I wanted-

LUAKEL
(Off screen)
But it’s porn!
(Starts rasping in a strange voice)
I want porn my little friend! Oh yes!
I want porn! My little precious wants to see porn!

COCKROACH
(Takes a long hard look at LUAKEL)
Umm…right.
(Beat
So- it’s about lesbian vampires…

LUAKEL
So? At least it is porn!
(Groans)
Just play it!

A pause.

COCKROACH
Do you find it weird that
we’re watching porn together?

LUAKEL
No. Why?

COCKROACH
Just wondering…

COCKROACH shrugs and hits the PLAY button on the DVD player.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The face of LEO clouds the camera and then pulls back.

LEO CAESIUS
That wasn’t Wendell!

THE CAMERAMAN (Off screen)
Sorry! There’s so many of you guys on board!

LEO CAESIUS
I know it’s becoming such a hassle.
I was getting annoyed by all the
ignorant questions.

THE CAMERAMAN (Off screen)
Tell me again why there’s so many on board?
I see a lot of new faces.

LEO CAESIUS
(sighing)
Well. We rescued this pod shot from this earth
we were visiting. Seems they were all banished.
Though we still haven’t found out why… I figure
we’ll drop them off on some other planet we come to.
We’ll be finally free of the smell.

GREY WOLF (Off screen)
Damn it, Leo! Quit chattin’ up the help
and get your arse back to work!

Sound of smashing glass. Then a heavy thud. Then camera goes dark.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – WEAPONS BAY – DAY

DAVE HOWERY is now sitting at the rear of the cannon. SBEGIN is standing at the far end of the room, right where GIRLS GO FISHING is grazing.

SBEGIN
(Shouting)
Here?

DAVE HOWERY
(Shouting)
No- back further!

SBEGIN walks backwards, stepping on WENDELL, who looks like a very large turtle with flippers, a head of a cow, and the legs of a wolf. WENDELL gives SBEGIN an evil eye and starts walking away to a box labeled “COW FEED”. There is another box sitting nearby named “MAKU” with a sticker below saying “DANGEROUS- DO NOT OPEN”.

WENDELL
I love my cow feed. Yes I do-
I love my cow feed.

SBEGIN
(Shouting)
You know – I’m having
second thoughts about this!

DAVE HOWERY
(Shouting)
Yep- that’s it!

There are sounds of a large machine drawing power.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DIAMOND is busily sleeping on LEO‘s books. LEO kicks him off and DIAMOND gives him a dirty look.

KIT
Well- there’s other people on board that you can call-
I’m much too busy with my own life – especially with
this new white silk garter I got from that lovely world
where Antonio was President and everyone was so friendly…

G. BONE
Listen- Kit – if you help me with the wires-
I’ll tell you where the cloning vats are.

KIT
There’s cloning vats on board?

G. BONE
Yes. Dr. What’s famous “cloning vats”.
I can even transport an Antonio here and …

DIAMOND
Wait a minute- Dr. What has cloning vats?
And he didn’t tell us?

G. BONE
Why do you think Dr. What took hostage of
that Hilton girl when you guys visited that
world last week?

DIAMOND
That’s very…interesting…

KIT
How many can Dr. What
breed out on those vats?

G. BONE
A lot.

KIT
How much is a lot?

G. BONE
You know how Dr. What seems
to be all over the place when he’s
really somewhere else?

KIT
Hmmm- well I’ll help you with the
wiring as long as you give me that location –

DIAMOND reaches for a piece of paper.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – A SECRET PLACE – NIGHT

KIT, DIAMOND, and LEO are sneaking along a causeway. Below them are huge vats with pods that resemble rocket ships, although minus the pointed cap and engine. There are sounds of machines going on. In the distance there is light and some …sounds.

KIT
(Whispers)
This is the place! All we have to do
is to go down there!

DIAMOND
So this is where Dr. What
spends his nefarious time!

LEO
You know, in Ancient Somalia
they have a saying for this-

KIT
Shut up about ancient Somalia!
I’m going to get Antonio!

KIT goes down a flight of stairs leading to a large computer that resembles a very large television screen. DIAMOND and LEO follow.

DIAMOND
By the way Leo- how come you
didn’t notice this? You’re the
ship’s computer-

LEO
I was busy!

DIAMOND
Watching porn?

LEO
Good Heavens no! I was
visiting the ruins of Persia-

DIAMOND
Wasn’t that the time when we
visited the world where Rome
was around?

LEO
Ah- no. That was the one where
Egypt was around. I had met this
startling young archaeologist by
the name of Robert Phillips-

DIAMOND suddenly stops.

DIAMOND
Hey- wait a minute- if you’re here-
then who’s our ship’s computer?

LEO smiles.

CUT TO:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GBW, MAJOR MAJOR, JUSTIN PICKARD, and FLOCCULENCIO are sitting around. MAJOR MAJOR and JUSTIN PICKARD are dressed up with wires stuck up their heads and other things. However, it is MAJOR MAJOR who resembles a Borg or an animated salt-shaker with a human head on top.

MAJOR MAJOR
(In a monotone voice)
The Borg will destroy. The Borg will destroy.
Flee for your lives for I am the Cylon.

JUSTIN PICKARD
You’re not the Borg.
We’re the Computer.
We are infinite and wise.

FLOCCULENCIO
Right. And all the crown kings of
Scandinavia are bowing to you.

JUSTIN PICKARD
There is only one crown king and
all Scandinavia bows to my rule.

MAJOR MAJOR
(In same monotone voice as before)
Now showing- a documentary about
lesbian vampires with red hair…

FLOCCULENCIO
What????

MAJOR MAJOR
As shot by the infamous Bruno What
of mysterious origins- Shows many
inter-dimensional Alyson Hannigans
doing things that defy gravity and
all morals laid down by conservative
societies. Each of different origins
with black lace, black corset, and
tight leather- May not be permissible
for children over 55 years of age-

FLOCCULENCIO race for the exit.

GBW
Is there anyone else in the video?

JUSTIN PICKARD
(Kicks MAJOR MAJOR in the rear)
Um…no one except there is a Jessica Alba
person- under the weather- If you know what
I mean- it’s only in the last hour or so-
But it’s nothing really important-
(a beat)
Where are you going?

GBW races after FLOCCULENCIO.

MAJOR MAJOR
I am lonely.
Please comfort me,
Captain Bald Head.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Shut up
(Kicks MAJOR MAJOR in the rear)
I’m going to watch some porn.

All the screens suddenly are covered with Jessica Alba, dressed in a white chemise, and looking quite exited. Sparks suddenly explode from MAJOR MAJOR. JUSTIN PICKARD is relaxed.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Thank you G.Bone!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – A SECRET PLACE – NIGHT

The three are further down the hallway with KIT almost to the last step of the stairway. DIAMOND is giving LEO a very hard stare.

DIAMOND
You mean to tell me that some
two peons are our new computer?
When did you have this ability?

LEO
It pays to know Richard Phillips,
technological archaeologist extraordinaire-

DIAMOND
I hope you didn’t give him any
of Dr. What’s porn-

LEO
Nope- he actually gave ME porn-
he said it concerned itself about
vampires or something to that effect.
I didn’t really pay attention-
just think of it- actual space
and time to move about the ship-
and not having to bother to stay
in that clutter of a motherboard-

DIAMOND
But that still doesn’t answer the
question that you’re here- talking to me-

LEO
Technology is God’s gift to mankind.

DIAMOND
Wait a minute- you didn’t kidnap Robert-

LEO
Robert who? I know of no Robert
in the crew manifest-

KIT
Shut up! You’re breaking my concentration!
I have to get Antonio back or I’ll have to return that
Sailor Moon costume to the tailors!

LEO
Brook Brothers?

KIT
No- DMA’s handiwork-

DIAMOND
DMA does handiwork?

LEO
You know- I haven’t seen DMA for the longest time-
(Runs into a large box)
By Odon’s Sacred Hammer of San Diego!

The three stand before a massive computer with large boxes scattered about saying “CLONE CONTROL- DO NOT TOUCH”. There are three screens with a whole lot of knobs, keyboards, and other gadgets. KIT pulls out a flashlight and opens a piece of paper.

KIT
Now- G. BONE said that all I needed
to do was to feed this into the slot-

KIT presses a button. The computer lights up with Lexa Doig dressed in a tight leather costume that does not leave much to the imagination appears on the main screen, dressed in very provocative clothing.

LEXA DOIG (COMPUTER)
Welcome to the lab.

DIAMOND looks around, noticing something on the ground. He picks it up.

DIAMOND
Hey- isn’t this the scribble that G. Bone always draws?

LEO walks over to DIAMOND.

LEO
Yeah- that looks familiar…

KIT gives the two a dirty look and presses more buttons. The face of Lexa Doig fades away to show various numbers and sentences.

Suddenly there is a sound over the loudspeaker- sounding like Dr. What’s voice-

DR. WHAT (Off screen)
Listen- Dave- This is the sixth
time I’ve had to clone SBEGIN.
You can’t simply use all of our
new crewmates as target practice.

DR. WHAT (Off screen)
Come on! She’s an evil Lurker.
You remember what happened…
In the Pub.
(begging tone)
Please???

KIT, DIAMOND, and LEO have a face of shock. KIT presses more buttons. DIAMOND gestures to KIT that they should vacant the premises. Then-

LEXA DOIG (COMPUTER)
Cloning comencing. Please
wait ten minutes for completion.

DR. WHAT (Off screen)
Hey- who said that? Who’s there?

Lights flicker on with LEO and DIAMOND hiding behind various pods. KIT is enraptured by several images playing out on the screen and suddenly realize that DR. WHAT is there.

DR. WHAT
(Coming down the catwalk)
Kit! What the hell are you doing here?

KIT
Reproducing my lover so
that we may be together!

DR. WHAT
Err…okay…

KIT
I figured that if you can produce so
many Hilton clones than so can I.

DR. WHAT
But this isn’t my cloning lab-

DIAMOND
(Emerging from behind one of the pods)
It’s not?

DR. WHAT
No- mine is on the first floor-
right next to the cargo bay

Suddenly-

LEXA DOIG (COMPUTER)
Acquiring Biologic Nutrients for target-

There are screams as the various pods that he and DIAMOND were hiding behind suddenly grab LEO. DR. WHAT and DIAMOND rush to save LEO from the green long tendrils that ensnare LEO and carry him over to a large boiling vat.

KIT
Stop! Stop!
(Pressing buttons randomly)

DR. WHAT pulls out a large pistol and fires at the moving tendrils. The tendrils burst in pink flesh, dropping LEO down. DIAMOND, hesitating to catch LEO, stands right where LEO will fall, then at last second, pulls out a small device from his pocket and tosses it upon the floor. With a loud bang and a bit of smoke it turns into a trampoline.

LEO hits the trampoline.

LEO
(jumping up and down on trampoline)
Where did you get this trampoline?
(still jumping)
Look at me!
Look at me!

DIAMOND
I won it from Kilngirl during a poker game.

DR. WHAT
Along with that porn tape-

LEO
You mean your porn tape?

DR. WHAT
No- it wasn’t my porn.
My porn concerns itself with
Paris Hilton- And other women-

DIAMOND
Why don’t you admire some decent
women- like Alyson Hannigan?

DR. WHAT
I did. But Psycho…
He’s crazy.

DR. WHAT and DIAMOND both nod.

There are a lot of sounds as KIT finally presses a button.

LEXA DOIG (COMPUTER)
Process halted.

LEXA DOIG stops running her hand down her body, pouts, and disappears behind the bar that reads “Progress in stopping process 100%”.

KIT
Ah….

LEO
(Just noticing what was on the screen)
Darn!

LEXA DOIG (COMPUTER)
Process eradicated

KIT
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Suddenly one of the other pods opens to reveal FORTYSEVEN

FORTYSEVEN
(Wakes up and looks around)
We’re in space?

Everyone looks at him.

FORTYSEVEN
What?
(a beat)
Hey! Why am I naked!

KIT
(eyeing FORTYSEVEN)
Anyone else cold?

DOCTOR WHAT
No. Actually it’s a bit hot in here.

KIT
(still eyeing FORTYSEVEN)
I figured as much…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP –CORRIDOR NEAR THE WEAPONS BAY – NIGHT

FLOCCULENCIO is walking with GBW, talking very loudly.

FLOCCULENCIO
…And then I said to Archangel Michael –
why don’t you make me a copy of the DVD-
and he said, “Well let me drive that naval
battlemech of yours –

GBW
Of course you said yes-

FLOCCULENCIO
Pffft. Like I would let the pride of the
Singaporean Naval technology in the
hands of some yuppie peon that doesn’t
know that a red target means kill me-

GBW
But the Willow Vampire tape!

FLOCCULENCIO
But I have a cunning plan that would
defy Archangel Michael’s nefarious greed!

GBW
Does it involve a turnip that looks the size of…?

FLOCCULENCIO
Yes- because then we can make a key out of it-

GBW
Isn’t wax an easier compound for a duplicate key?

FLOCCULENCIO
Well- ever since the Empire forgot
about the Serene Republic – we’ve
been forced on hard times- and wax
has been taken over by the dastardly French-

Suddenly, DAVE HOWERY pops out of the door that leads to the weapon bay. GBW and FLOCCULENCIO stop. DAVE HOWERY puts on his best face.

DAVE HOWERY
Um- hello-

FLOCCULENCIO
Been firing that large cannon lately?

DAVE HOWERY
Only for defensive purposes!

GBW
Right. And bribing young cadets
into helping you is no coincidence?

DAVE HOWERY
No. By the way- have you seen
Kilngirl or Archangel Michael?

FLOCCULENCIO
No. Have you seen a DVD labeled
“Vampire Willow” circulating around?

DAVE HOWERY
Maybe. Does it have Jessica Alba at the
tail end of it cavorting naked on a bed?

GBW
Yeah-

DAVE HOWERY
I think I’ve seen it-

FLOCCULENCIO
So where’s Archangel Michael?

DAVE HOWERY
Well- he’s into making the newbies
into his mutant army- I have nothing
to deal with that-

GBW
Right. So- where is Archangel Michael?

DAVE HOWERY
Last I heard he was making haupia in
the Mess Hall. He said it would kill
every Canuck it came to contact with-
(Has a glassy look of joy on his face)
Maybe we can keep him around after
we toss this lot off at the next mudball
we come to.

FLOCCULENCIO
(Mutters)
If only the Empire was still around!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – THE MED BAY– NIGHT

COCKROACH and LUAKEL are sitting on a bed. There is static on the TV, as if a DVD has just ended. Both of their faces are agape.

COCKROACH
Wow….

LUAKEL
Wow….

COCKROACH
The way that she…

LUAKEL
And how she …

BOTH
Wow….

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – THE MESS HALL– NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is sitting at a table, sharpening a lance.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(muttering)
Alyson.. Alyson…

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL comes round with a table high with haupia.

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
So- what’s up my fellow friend?

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
There’s a rumor that you have a
certain.. how shall we say.. video
of my dearly beloved Alyson…

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
I have a documentary of lesbian vampires-
if that’s what you’re asking-
(Takes a spoonful of haupia and shoves it in his mouth)
Good to the last spoonful of honey.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
Lesbian vampires?

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
All of the same Hannigan babe-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN suddenly drops his lance and takes out a large fish out of his pocket and slaps ARCHANGEL MICHAEL in the face. The head of the fish comes off and falls into ARCHANGEL MICHAEL’s haupia, and he takes a spoonful of that and eats it.

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Tastes like chicken.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
Now- where is that tape?
(Pauses)
How can you eat that stuff?
(Beat)
And where is that tape
before I impale you!

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Well- yeah- but it’s going to cost you-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I do not deal with haupia eating fiends!

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
(Takes a scoop of the fish and bites on it)
Needs more snake oil. I want a piece of shrubbery
to go with my lovely nightshade garden.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
You have a nightshade garden?
You’ve only been here a couple of days…

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Sure- why do you think this haupia is white?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But it’s white! Nightshade is purple!

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
I say- always mess around with Nature’s
Bountiful seasons of glory!
(Scoops the fish’s eye out and eats it)
Now- you do want this?
(Pulls out a DVD from his pocket)

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
YES!

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Well- I’d like a white picket fence,
a couple of crystal rods, a clone of Jessica Alba…

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
A clone of Jessica Alba?

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Oops- sorry – wrong person- and
a turnip the size of an elongated pencil.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
I see…

Suddenly the butt end of the lance flies out and whacks ARCHANGEL MICHAEL on the head. He falls into his haupia. PSYCHOMELTDOWN picks up the DVD and strolls out of the Mess Hall.

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
Oh, glorious Alyson…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – A HALLWAY – MIDNIGHT

OTHNIEL staggers from the room. All around him are clones of PARIS HILTON, LEXA DOIG, SAMANTHA CARTER, HOSHI SATO, and DEANNA TROI. He leaves the room, not really aware, and most certainly not stable. He finally gets to a dark room where there is a cloning vat below and a familiar computer console.

There are sounds below and OTHNIEL staggers so that he can see what is up.

Right below is KIT and several clones of some …well muscular toned man…cavorting on the floor. OTHNIEL’s eyes grow wide.

OTHNIEL
MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(He falls into a coma)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – G. BONE’s QUARTERS- MIDNIGHT

G. BONE is busily doodling on a pad. There are several names on it. OTHNIEL’s name is crossed out. He is tapping on the name DR. WHAT. The pad is set-aside on a nightstand. There is a clone of Hoshi Sato sleeping next to him. G. BONE smiles.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – THE MESS HALL– MORNING

FORTYSEVEN, DIAMOND, DR. WHAT, and LEO are sitting around a table. All except FORTYSEVEN have a stunned look on their faces.

DR. WHAT
I can’t believe what he did there-

LEO
Even Ancient Greece had it’s limits-

DIAMOND
The whole facility gone to waste-

FORTYSEVEN
So we actually were in space for the whole time?

ALL
(Bellowing)
Yes!

FORTYSEVEN
You don’t have to be so mean!
(Leaves the table, weeping)

DR. WHAT
I still can’t figure if he’s the original-

LEO
I figure no amount of reading
will get that out of my mind…

COCKROACH and LUAKEL walk to their table, their eyes still stunned. LUAKEL now has the torso of a goat, his arms resembling a lobster’s claws.

DIAMOND
What the hell happened to you guys?

LUAKEL
I have seen the light.

COCKROACH
We have seen it all.

DR. WHAT
(Waves a hand in front of their faces)
What happened to you guys?

COCKROACH
The horror.

LUAKEL
And always more to see
on the fifteenth time-

COCKROACH
Or the twentieth-

PSYCHOMELTDOWN walks in, not stunned per say, but satisfied to the point of he’s actually sane.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The glory of the Alyson has been put into
A movie for Psychomeltdown to
watch at his leisure. Oh, happy day.

LEO
What movie?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The movie that made me
swear off sheep- forever.

DIAMOND
Really?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yes. My eyes have seen heaven.
And it’s name is Alyson…

DR. WHAT
Wait a minute- were you watching
my documentary on inter-dimensional vampires?

PSYCHOMETLDOWN
I have a goddess- Alyson.

COCKROACH and LUAKEL
Alyson. She is our goddess.

LEO
Wow. I have to see this-

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – GBW’s QUARTERS– MORNING

The room is a mess. There are fluids on the floor. GBW looks as if he’s in a catatonic state. FLOCCULENCIO is holding the TV, staring at the sounds and images of the movie. His hair is a mess. He stares at the TV mouth agape..

Suddenly ARCHANGEL MICHAEL strolls in, a bandage around his head, and picks up a large elongated turnip. The shadow looks…graphic. ARCHANGEL MICHAEL smiles.

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
Just what I pictured-
The right size for my army’s
poisonous spears, smeared
with the deadly powder of
the nightshade coconut!

GBW
Alba…. Alba…. Alba…

FLOCCULENCIO
Alyson…Alyson…Alyson

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
My work here is done!
(Leaves)

FLOCCULENCIO
Must see…again
(Presses the rewind button)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – A CORRIDOR– MORNING

Four Antonio Sabato Jr clones that have no shirts on are carrying KIT away. KIT has a placid look, a look of utter appeasement, and silence.

Also accompanying them are clones of SAMANTHA CARTER, HOSHI SATO, and DEANNA TROI carrying OTHNIEL on a makeshift stretcher, looking utterly dead.

OTHNIEL
My eyes have seen hell-
My eyes have seen hell-
(Whimpers)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – G. BONE’s QUARTERS- DAY

G.BONE is kissing the clone of Hoshi Sato on the cheek. She stirs but does not wake. G. BONE is happy, crosses a couple of names off his list, and shoves it in his pocket. He leaves his quarters.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MAJOR MAJOR is a mess of various machine parts, a fried human body with open human eyes, and a goat’s torso. JUSTIN PICKARD is …brain dead…for a minute…then looks back to the elevator.

JUSTIN PICKARD
I wonder where Leo is?
He should have been here-
I don’t want to be in here forever.
(a beat)
These wires itch.

Scratches at forehead and protruding wires.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

EXT. – EMPTY BEACH- DAY

HIGH OVERHEAD SHOT: We see a long stretch of empty beach. On the left side is a desolate rock cliff that stretches off into the distance—on the other a pounding sea. We see a figure on horseback slowly making his way down the beach towards us.

CLOSE UP SHOT: We see that the figure is DOCTOR WHAT. He looks very haggard—his goatee is more scruffy than usual, his hair is long and unkempt and the only clothes that he’s wearing is something that looks vaguely like fur – skin shorts. He’s riding towards the camera.

He suddenly stops his horse. He stares at something off – screen. With a look of utter shock and disbelief, he slowly gets off the horse and takes a few steps forward before stopping again. He suddenly collapses to his knees onto the sand.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked quiet voice)
My God…all this time…
I was home all this time all along…

DOCTOR WHAT suddenly screams and starts pounding the sand with his right fist.

DOCTOR WHAT
(screaming)
YOU MANIACS!
YOU BLEW IT UP!
DAMN YOU! –

LANDSHARK (Off Screen)
Oy! Is this going to take much longer?

DIFFERENT SHOT – CLOSE UP: We see LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, KIT and MATT sitting next to a shuttle on the beach looking extremely bored.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Irritated)
Do you mind?! I coming to
the big finish, ok! Yeesh—
(screaming and pounding his fist onto the sand again)
- DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN
YOU ALL TO HELL!!

REVERSE SHOT: We see DOCTOR WHAT in the foreground. Some distance away from him, we see a battered and partially melted Statue of Liberty half buried in the sand.

DOCTOR WHAT
(with a self – satisfied smirk on his face)
Heh—I always loved that scene…

DOCTOR WHAT gets up and walks towards the shuttle, whistling a happy tune.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series

“THE SECOND TO THE LAST OMEGA MAN”

Written By: DOCTOR WHAT

ACT 1

EXT. – SPACE – AH. COM SHIP – DAY

The Ah.com ship is sitting in orbit around a planet.

INT. – AH. COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, DIAMOND, KIT, LANDSHARK, DAVID DAVE HOWERY, WEAPON M and PSYCHOMELTDOWN sitting around the table.

DOCTOR WHAT
What have you got for us, LEO?

LEO
I think this is a really odd one—
scans indicate that this world is
at late 20th – early 21st century
technology. Population is only
about 4 billion but it’s distributed
extremely erratically.

LANDSHARK
How so?

LEO
Well—the North and South American
continents combined are reading at
barely more than 3 million people in total.

KIT
Huh? Is this a world where the
New World wasn’t settled or something?

LEO
Negative. There are indications of an
extensive urban infrastructure in both
continents—but they appear to be
abandoned for quite some time.
Best guess would be around
30 years or so.

MATT
Nuclear war?

LEO
Negative. Most of the cities are still intact
and I’m not reading any elevated radiation
levels anywhere. The areas that correspond
to OTL Soviet Union , China and India
are also showing the same thing—highly
reduced population but intact infrastructure.

DIAMOND
Obviously some kind of plague or something.

LEO
That’s the odd thing—while the American
and Asian continents are virtually empty,
the European continent is virtually teeming
with people. Europe is reading at over
1 billion people. Africa is almost twice
that amount.

WEAPON M
What the hell? Why would all the humans
on this world stick to just two continents?
Are there any weird chemicals or something
on the other continents?

LEO
Nope. No radiation.
No dangerous chemicals.
No pollutants of any kind
on the abandoned continents.

DIAMOND
Still say it’s some kind of plague.

LANDSHARK
But a plague that only hits
a few continents and not others?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well—there’s only one way to know for
sure what’s going on. We’ll send in two
teams—one goes to the North American
continent and the other goes to the European.
We’ll do some investigating and report in
our results. Me, DIAMOND, MATT,
IRONYUPPIE and DAVE HOWERY will
take a shuttle down to the American continent
while KIT, WEAPON M, LANDSHARK,
PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE will take
a shuttle down to the European continent.
GREY WOLF will be in command while we’re gone.

DAVE HOWERY suddenly putting down a book –The Idiot’s Guide to Invading Canada – that he was glancing at

DAVE HOWERY
Huh? Wha – ?
I get to go on a mission?
ALRIGHT!

G.BONE
Hey, I get to go on a mission too!
(does a dance)

DIAMOND
(In sotto voce)
How much you wanna bet he gets shot up?

MATT
(in sotto voce)
Dude. I’m not touching that.
I want to keep my money.

EXT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE –DAY

We see the ah.com shuttle flying out of a large cloudbank. Spread out before us is the familiar skyline of New York City. The shuttle does a slow bank and flies towards the City.

We see the Empire State Building. The exterior of the building is covered with ivy and various other small plants all the way to about the 30th floor or so. The shuttle does a slow loop around the building and flies towards Grand Central Station. It, too, is heavily overgrown with plant life. The shuttle lands on 42nd Street, just a few meters away from the entrance. It kicks up a huge cloud of dust as it lands. We see that the street is completely deserted, with numerous weeds, bushes, shrubs – – and in one case, a small tree—poking their way out of various spots on the street and sidewalks.

INT – AH.COM SHUTTLE- DAY

We see DR.WHAT, DIAMOND, MATT, DAVE HOWERY and IRONYUPPIE crammed tightly together in the shuttle. DOCTOR WHAT runs a few scans.

DOCTOR WHAT
Bio – scans show up clean.
No viruses or bacteria out there
except the usual harmless ones.
(beat – smiling)
I win the bet Diamond.

DIAMOND
(nearly snarling)
Fine.
(hands over a slip of paper)
Her nickname is ‘Backseat Becky’.
She’s in Timeline 6789. That’s her
phone number and address.
Tell her that you’re a friend of—
(pauses—then carries on but with a resigned tone)
‘Umberto Goodthrust’

IRONYUPPIE
(raising eyebrow)
Umberto? She actually believed
that you were Spanish?

DIAMOND
Heh! She was a blonde! What do you expect—
(suddenly realizing who’s he talking to)
- – Uh—

CLOSE – UP –DOCTOR WHAT’S FACE: Suddenly turning away and covering face with hands as a loud THUMP sound can be heard off – screen. Slowly takes hands off his face. He looks back at our direction again.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah – – I think there’s some smelling
salts in the Med – Kit, MATT….

MATT
But I don’t need smelling salts…
(A beat)
Oh. I get you.
(A beat)
Uh.. where were they?

THUMP! MATT hits the floor.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell, DAVE HOWERY?

DAVE HOWERY
Uh… I thought.
(hesitant laugh)

THUMP! DAVE HOWERY hits the floor.

DOCTOR WHAT
(groans)
Yuppie? Why?

IRONYUPPIE
I don’t need a reason.

DOCTOR WHAT
(with a smile)
Well, now that we’re alone.

THUMP!

EXT – CITY OF LONDON – DAY

We see a radio propped up against a wall. We hear a brief piece of a commercial—“ …is brought to you by Soy – l – ent red and Soy – l – ent yellow, high energy vegetable concentrates, and new, delicious, Soy – l – ent vert. The miracle food of high – energy plankton gathered from the oceans of the world.”

We see KIT, WEAPON M, LANDSHARK, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE walking down an extremely crowded street. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE are eating small bite – size green squares out of a large bag emblazoned with a huge logo that says Soy – l – ent Vert.

KIT
I have no idea how you guys can
eat that stuff. It tastes revolting.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I know the stuff tastes like crap but
it’s the only stuff they had in the store.

WEAPON M
Yeah—odd that. I don’t think I’ve seen
a single fruit and vegetable store since
we got here. Aren’t you Brits suppose
to be nuts about gardening and stuff?

LANDSHARK
Maybe with all the extra people, cropland
is scarce and they have to import all the stuff?

KIT
Still—you figure that we would have passed
at least one Fish and Chips resto by now.
We’ve been walking for an hour! And why
are you still eating that crap?!—

G.BONE
I can’t help myself—this stuff must be laced
with crack or something—I can’t stop eating this!

WEAPON M
Where are we going anyway?

LANDSHARK
Hey—we need to get information on what’s been
happening here—where else will we go but there -
(points finger)

We see where he’s pointing at. A huge orange building can be seen. The sign on the building says ‘British Library’.

KIT
Ah—the British Library. Biggest library in the U.K.
Such sweet memories. Did I ever tell you guys about
the time I was in one the reading rooms and this cute
guy with green eyes was sitting next to me and we—

ALL
(together)
Yes! Many times!

KIT
Hrumph!

They walk into the place, nearly tripping over several dozen apparently homeless people lying around the entrances.

EXT – NEW YORK CITY – DAY

We see the shuttle crew come out of the shuttle. Everyone, beside IRONYUPPIE, has their head in bandages and eyeing each other suspiciously. The five of them slowly start making their way down 42nd Street.

The street is completely deserted and nearly overgrown with various plants. Several rusted cars are parked here and there—but some of the cars look like they were abandoned right in the middle of the road.

MATT
This is really creepy. There’s nothing
moving around here.

DOCTOR WHAT
According to the scans we did as we
were coming in, there should be a
few hundred people in the general
vicinity. They must have spotted
our shuttle as we were coming in.

MATT
So where are they?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging shoulders)
Beats me. Let’s move—there should
be a big library around here somewhere.
I want to check it out as soon as possible—
we’re burning daylight here and we’ve
only got an hour or two before the sun sets.

They walk down the street.

Camera pulls back to:

INT.—WINDOW WITH A RAGGED CURTAIN – DAY

We see a hand slowly pull aside the curtain to reveal a view of the ah.comers. We’re looking down upon them from a few stories up. We hear heavy labored breathing as the AH.Commers slowly walk away from view. The hand draws the curtain back over the window.

VOICE (OS)
They are not of the Family…

DIFFERENT VOICE (OS)
No—but they will be…..

Harsh laughter, then coughing.

VOICE (OS)
You have any cough drops?

DIFFERENT VOICE (OS)
Hold on. I think I have some in my purse…

INT – BRITISH LIBRARY – NIGHT

We see the five AH.Commers looking through various stacks of magazines and books. The interior of the library is crammed with people, with numerous individuals seemingly sleeping in the corridors, hallways and even around and under the tables. On various tables can be seen bags of Soy – l – ent Vert next to a sign that says “Try our complimentary free bags!” PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE each have a bag and are plowing through the squares at near blinding speeds. LANDSHARK is at a microfiche station looking at some newspapers when he suddenly shouts out.

LANDSHARK
A – ha! Guys—get over here!

KIT and WEAPON M reach LANDSHARK first. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE (each nearly done with their bag and rummaging through their pockets for another) show up a few seconds later.

KIT
What’s up?

LANDSHARK
Read that!

We read the newspaper headline ‘SINO – SOVIET WAR HEATS UP!’ In smaller print we see ‘U.S. may be dragged into conflict’

DIFFERENT ANGLE : We see the backs of the five AH.Commers huddled around the microfiche station. Every now and then we hear one of them say a word or a phrase out loud. We hear only bits and pieces but the general theme of the stories they’re reading indicates that the war was getting worse and worse.

LANDSHARK
What’s that bit there mean?

WEAPON M
Which bit—the one that says
‘bio – war devices may have been launched’ or
‘millions ill with mystery disease’ or
‘U.K. Quarantine implemented’?

LANDSHARK
No—that bit there! The one that says –
‘Eosophobia one of symptoms’.
What the hell is Eosophobia?

KIT
Fear of daylight.

The four other AH.Commers look at KIT with various looks of confusion and admiration.

KIT
(blushing)
LEO has been teaching me trivia while
I’ve been helping out building his robot body.

G.BONE
(swallowing a piece of food)
I WAS wondering why his robot body
was so well….er….endowed….

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why were you looking at LEO’s
robot body’s endowments?

G.BONE
Uh…
(Points)
Look! More free Soy – l – ent Vert!

LANDSHARK
People! Less chit – chat! More reading!

They go back to reading.

EXT – NEW YORK CITY – EVENING

We see the immense building known as THE NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY. It is in very bad shape but still intact. Its famous lion sculptures are also intact—except for one lion. Carved on its left side is one word ‘REPENT’. Much of the main entrance doors have been literally blown out.

We see the AH.Commers walking around various stacks of books and magazines and newspapers.

DOCTOR WHAT
Did you have to blow up the door?

MATT
Hey—you were the one who
said that we needed to get in!

DOCTOR WHAT
So—the three pounds of
high explosive that you
used wasn’t a trifle….er
….excessive?

MATT
There are very few problems in this universe
that can’t be solved by patience, logic and
the judicious use of explosives.

DIAMOND
Man’s got a point, Doc.

DAVE HOWERY
Yup

IRONYUPPIE
Gotta agree with army – boy, DW.
The same thing can be applied to sex.

Everyone shifts away from IRONYUPPIE.

MATT
Hey, I was a Marine!

IRONYUPPIE
Gotta agree with the jarheaded one, DW

MATT
Thanks IY—hey, wait a minute….

DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering under his breath)
Mom wanted me to be a dentist.
‘It’s good money’ she said.
‘You’ll meet lots of new people’.
But noooooooo—I just had to become
captain of a ship full of crazy people…..
(shakes head)
(louder voice)
People—back to business! Look for
the latest magazines and newspapers!

On the balcony above the ah.comers, we see several shadowy figures scurrying about.

EXT – BRITISH LIBRARY – NIGHT

We suddenly see KIT, LANDSHARK and WEAPON M literally launch themselves out of the entrance doors. They run towards the camera at breakneck speeds. Following close behind them (carrying yet more bags of Soy – l – ent Vert) are G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

LANDSHARK
How far to the shuttle?

KIT
15, maybe 20 minutes if we hurry!

WEAPON M
Why the hell aren’t the communicators
we’re carrying working?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Weird sunspot activity I think—
it’s mucking up communications everywhere!

KIT
Damn! We HAVE to warn them—
before it’s too late! Double time people!

We see the five AH.Commers run down the street, nearly tripping over people at every step…..

INT. – NEW PUBLIC LIBRARY – BALCONY – NIGHT

We see some more of the figures scurrying about. Several are carrying a large bulky object between them that we can’t see very clearly. They walk to the edge of the balcony.

INT. – NEW PUBLIC LIBRARY – LOWER LEVEL – NIGHT

We see the AH.Commers looking through various magazines and newspapers.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at a newspaper)
Huh?—what the hell—
hey guys! Check this—

We suddenly hear loud screams from above. The AH.Commers look up—just in time to see a large net come crashing down upon them.

As the AH.Commers struggle to escape the net, we suddenly see several dozen robed and hooded people appear around them. They are all carrying various clubs or sharp implements. All are saying the words ‘For the Family! For the Family!’ in a weird and creepy monotone chant. We are unable to get any kind of good look at any of the figures. Suddenly—the figures all stop chanting. We hear faint ‘He comes’ from several of the figures. They step aside to reveal a figure (also hooded and robed) who walks slowly forward.

The figure suddenly pulls down his hood to reveal—a human face. Or at least, a face that was human once. Now the skin is a ghostly white color pockmarked with various sores. The figure’s hair and eyes are also a ghostly white color.

The AH.Commers look at the figure—and do a double take. DOCTOR WHAT just stares at the figure in astonishment.

LEADER
My name is FATHER WHAT—
and you are now privileged to
become a member of my Family.
(smiles—showing a set of very sharp and white teeth)

The rest of the robed figures go back to chanting ‘For the family! For the family’…..

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT – AH. COM SHUTTLE – NIGHT

We see the shuttle flying at high speed away from London.

INT. – SHUTTLE – NIGHT

We see KIT, WEAPON M, LANDSHARK, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE crammed tightly into the shuttle. The shuttle is even more cramped due to the presence of several large bags of Soy – l – ent Vert that both PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE have next to them. They’re stuffing handfuls of the green squares into their mouths.

KIT
(speaking into shuttle communicator)
GREY WOLF? You there?

INT. –AH. COM SHIP BRIDGE – NIGHT

GREY WOLF
What’s going on?

KIT (OS)
Are you tracking DOCTOR WHAT’s team?

GREY WOLF
We got a message from them a while back.
They were going to check out a library.

KIT (OS)
Get them out of New York City now!
No time to explain! If they’re still in
the city after sunset, they’re dead!

GREY WOLF
LEO! Open a channel!

LEO
I’m sorry GREY WOLF—I am unable
to contact them. And I’ve suddenly lost
contact with their GPS signals.

GREY WOLF
Wait—you mean—we can’t even
teleport them up now?

LEO
Correct.

GREY WOLF
Well, scan for them.

LEO
The sensors have broken down again.
I’ve sent a message to DAVE HOWERY
to fix them.

INT. – AH. COM SHUTTLE

GREY WOLF (OS)
- suggest you wankers get here and brief us.
We need some time to figure something out.

LANDSHARK
Roger that.

Shuttle does a sharp climb, throwing everyone except LANDSHARK (who was the only one who bothered to strap himself in) towards the back of the shuttle into a big heap.

Short pause.

WEAPON M
Whoever is feeling me up better stop. Now.

KIT
Hey—wasn’t me!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Sorry—that was me—I was reaching for my snacks…..

KIT
So that’s what you’re calling it these dys.
( a beat)
Aw, poor WEAPON M, always a snack.
Never the main course…

INT. – NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY – NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, DAVE HOWERY, DIAMOND and IRONYUPPIE tied down to various chairs. Surrounding them are several dozen of the robed figures. They all have their hoods pulled back now and we see that their faces are in the same condition as FATHER WHAT: Pale white skin, several open sores, bleached white hair and eerie white eyes. A small pile of mangled and wrecked weapons and gadgets that the AH.Commers were carrying are lying in a heap next to them. FATHER WHAT is in front of the group giving a speech.

FATHER WHAT
…. alone, outnumbered a dozen to one,
nothing to live for but memories, nothing
to live with but their gadgets, their guns,
their gimmicks…the Age of the Wheel has
ended…but do not fear them…pity them instead….

DIAMOND
(sotto voce to DOCTOR WHAT)
No offense Doc but your ATL version is a complete loony…

DAVE HOWERY
(sotto voce)
..and that’s different from our own version how?…

IRONYUPPIE
(sotto voce)
Ours doesn’t have a small army of psychopathic
followers willing to do anything he says.

DOCTOR WHAT
(contemplatively)
Yes—pity about that….
Well, there’s HENDRYK…
(a beat)
Never mind.

FATHER WHAT
…Yes! Pity them! For they know not the wonders
and blessings that come with being a member of
the Family! But soon—very soon—they will join us
- and our Family will grow ever stronger!

Chants of ‘For the Family! For the Family!’ come from the crowd and from…

IRONYUPPIE
Quit chanting, MATT!

MATT
Huh? Oh. Sorry.
It just has a nice ring to it…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GREY WOLF
You have got to be kidding me!

LANDSHARK
No joke man! Round about the year 1975 or so,
there was a massive China – U.S.S.R. war here.
At some point somebody decided to use biological
weapons. When the U.S. got dragged into the war,
they got infected too. For the first few weeks, the
disease was highly contagious and transmitted by air
—which explains how it spread so quickly.

KIT
But then something happened to the disease—it mutated
into a version that was transmitted only by bodily fluids.
But by then, it was too late. Pretty much most of the Asian
and American continents were getting creamed by the
disease, so the Europeans basically went into a bunker
mentality and shut themselves off.

WEAPON M
And when we say bunker mode, we really mean it!
They’ve got fences and minefields and all kinds of shit
blocking them off from any kind of contact with what’s
left of the U.S.S.R., China and the Americas.

GREY WOLF
But why? Doc sent back a report saying that the bio – scans
were negative. Why don’t they send in some clean up crews
and repopulate the lost continents?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(stuffing some green squares into his mouth)
Because the disease didn’t kill everyone!
It left a very small percentage still alive—
but by all accounts, they’re completely insane!
Also, they can still transmit the disease to
their victims. Since there’s no way for them
to get every single one of the infected and
since one infected person can spread the
disease to hundreds of people before the
first symptoms appear….
(shrugs shoulders)

GREY WOLF
…they’re remaining in bunker mode. Hmmmmm…
(looks at G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
Just what the hell are you guys eating anyway?

G.BONE
Oh—this stuff? Yeah—well, with all the people
crammed so tightly together, they’ve had to get
creative with finding alternative food supplies.
I think this stuff is made from soy or something…

KIT
Never mind about the freaking soy food!
What about our friends?!

LANDSHARK
Now. Let’s not get to hasty with the labels.
They’re more acquaintances. People you
say hello to, but not go risk your life for…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(over mouthful)
How ‘bout YUPPIE?

LANDSHARK
Shit. We got to rescue them!

LEO
If I might interject? We have the approximate
location of their last contact. And using the
medical data that the London team brought back,
I might be able to modify the shuttle’s scanners
so that they can distinguish between infected and
non – infected humans. We simply send in a
recovery team and bring them back. The risk
is extremely high but the plan does have a
chance of success.

KIT
(looking at GREY WOLF)
Well?

GREY WOLF looks deep in thought.

INT – NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY – NIGHT

FATHER WHAT is standing before the ah.comers, all of whom are still tied up. He stares at DOCTOR WHAT for a very long moment.

FATHER WHAT
You look very familiar…

DOCTOR WHAT
(laughing nervously)
I have that kind of face…

FATHER WHAT
No—you look…familiar. I’m
almost sure I’ve seen that face before…
(turns to one of his ‘family’)
Take him to the little room… for questioning.

Several robed figures cut DOCTOR WHAT loose and drag him away. FATHER WHAT gives one final look at the remaining AH.Commers then turns to one of his Family.

FATHER WHAT
Watch them. I will be back shortly.

FATHER WHAT walks away, leaving the rest of the Family to watch over the remaining ah.comers.

DIAMOND
(sotto voce)
Anybody have a plan to get out of this?

MATT
(sotto voce)
I do but it involves 6 beer cans,
a thumbtack, 2 kumquats and a wet pig.
(realizes that the AH.Commers are staring at him)
(shrugs shoulders)
Learned it from a fellow Marine named Raoul….

DAVE HOWERY
Hang on—let me try something….
(shifts his shoulders for a few seconds—we hear a loud pop)
Yup—managed to dislocate my shoulder
while simultaneously making the knots tighter…
(a beat)
Oh, god. It hurts.
(passes out)

IRONYUPPIE
(sotto voce)
Maybe I should try my
feminine wiles on them?

DIAMOND
(sotto voce)
You’re suppose to bat your eyelashes for that,
not bat them over the head with a club….

IRONYUPPIE
(sotto voce)
Damn!

INT – ‘LITTLE ROOM’ – NIGHT

We see DOCTOR WHAT tied up to a chair. Leaning against a desk in front of him is FATHER WHAT, staring intently at him.

FATHER WHAT
You’re…me.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just someone who looks like you.

FATHER WHAT
Don’t mock me. You’re a version of me.
How is this possible? Tell me!

No response from DOCTOR WHAT.

FATHER WHAT
(screaming)
TELL ME!!

No response.

FATHER WHAT
(smiles—showing his sharp teeth)
Fine – we do this the painful way….

A look of gleeful anticipation crosses DOCTOR WHAT’s face.

INT – NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY – MAIN READING ROOM – NIGHT

We see the huge Reading Room spread out from us. It’s nearly the size of a football field and has over a dozen giant chandeliers still in place, as well as numerous huge arched windows (all of which are covered in heavy curtains) . We see that the AH.Commers and ‘Family’ members are at the far end away from us.

Suddenly, near a window close to the camera, we see a phenomenally bright white light shine through.

CLOSE – UP – FAMILY MEMBERS: All of the members suddenly scream and cover their eyes.

WIDE SHOT – MAIN READING ROOM: The light shining through the arched window actually gets brighter—and suddenly the window (as well as a chunk of the wall) shatters inwards as a shuttle flies through and lands on the floor, spraying shards of glass and concrete everywhere and smashing several tables and chairs.

We notice that the shuttle has been modified, with over a dozen large searchlights attached to the outer hull—all of them blazing with bright light. A side door opens up and we see KIT, LANDSHARK, WEAPON M, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE come out of the shuttle. All of them are carrying helmets, heavy gloves and backpacks—and large flashlights (all of them turned on) are attached to all of the equipment. They run towards the Family members.

All of the Family members are screaming and covering their eyes and many of them are stumbling frantically away from the approaching ah.comers. KIT is the first to reach the captured crewmembers.

KIT
(cutting DAVE HOWERY’s restraints)
Are you guys ok? Where’s the Doc?

DAVE HOWERY
(grabbing KIT’s knife)
I’ll get him!
(rushes off)

KIT
Wait! You need a flashlight!

DAVE HOWERY keeps running.

INT – ‘LITTLE ROOM’ – NIGHT

FATHER WHAT has DOCTOR WHAT’s head clasped in his hands. FATHER WHAT’s jaws are wide open. He looks like he’s actually going to bite DOCTOR WHAT.

FATHER WHAT
(briefly closes jaws)
Prepare to join us!
(opens jaws again)

Sounds of shuttle crashing and people screaming from off – camera. FATHER WHAT is momentarily distracted by the sound. DOCTOR WHAT brings his knee up and hits FATHER WHAT in the groin, causing him to collapse to eye level with DOCTOR WHAT. DOCTOR WHAT screams and headbutts FATHER WHAT, knocking him against the desk. FATHER WHAT recovers, screams and launches himself at DR.WHAT, causing the Doc, the chair and himself to go crashing to the floor in a heap, smashing the chair in the process.

DOCTOR WHAT has FATHER WHAT’s neck clasped with one hand (with a piece of the chair still tied to the arm) and frantically trying to get his other arm free when DAVE HOWERY kicks the door open. He sees the two figures fighting and throws his knife at FATHER WHAT.

CLOSE – UP – KNIFE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR

CLOSE – UP – KNIFE HITTING FATHER WHAT IN THE CHEST

FATHER WHAT screams and is knocked back. With an almost feral growl, he pulls the knife out of his chest and flings it back at DAVE HOWERY. DAVE HOWERY is hit in the arm by the knife as he tries to get out of the way. FATHER WHAT, screaming in anger, rushes to DAVE HOWERY to finish him off. He clutches DAVE HOWERY around the neck, choking him and opens his jaws —

- – – and suddenly collapses in a heap onto the ground with a painful and final sounding grunt.

We see DOCTOR WHAT standing where FATHER WHAT stood—holding a chair arm in his hands.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
So—like, what kept you guys?

DAVE HOWERY
Shuttle broke down near the Lincoln Tunnel.
Never a cop around when you need one.

DOCTOR WHAT
(still smiling)
Uh – huh.

DAVE HOWERY
C’mon—move your ass—
I don’t want to stay another minute here

DOCTOR WHAT
(still continuing to smile)
Right – o!

DAVE HOWERY
And why are you smiling?

DOCTOR WHAT
You actually risked your life to save mine.
That’s the very first time you’ve actually
done something like that for me. You like me.
Admit it! You actually like me!

DAVE HOWERY
(a beat – sudden realization)
OH GOD—NOOOOOO!!!

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning like the Cheshire Cat)
It’s ok—I won’t tell…

DAVE HOWERY
You tell anyone, I’ll flush you out
the airlock myself, Canuck – Boy….

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll keep that in mind—we probably
should get that arm looked at, tho….

DAVE HOWERY
Forget it—it’s not even a flesh wound—
I’ve gotten worse playing with LEO’s robot body….

They leave the little room.

INT – AH.COM MEDBAY – DAY

We see TORQUMADA sitting at a computer monitor. A black jar (with a red tentacle topped with a large green eye peeking over the edge) is sitting next to him. The tentacle quickly retracts back into the jar when DOCTOR WHAT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE enter. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE are both continuing to stuff their faces with the squares from the bags of Soy – l – ent Vert.

TORQUMADA
What do you want?

DOCTOR WHAT
Find out just what the hell is
in those things they’re eating!
They must have gone through
20 bags of the stuff just in the hour!

G.BONE/PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(together)
It’s nothing!
(they stuff some more of the squares into their mouths)

TORQUMADA
(sighing)
Fine.

He reaches over to grab a square from PSYCHOMELTDOWN—who clutches onto the square for dear life. For a few seconds they actually have a tug of war before PSYCHOMELTDOWN –reluctantly – lets go. TORQUMADA places the green square into a small plate and waves a scanner over it. He looks at the screen for a moment and raises his eyebrows in astonishment. After a few seconds, he turns around and faces the gang with a truly evil looking grin on his face.

TORQUMADA
Soy – l – ent Vert is made out of people!
Soy – l – ent Vert is people!

G.BONE gasps at this. He places his hand over his mouth and runs off. A few seconds later we hear the sounds of someone getting noisily sick. PSYCHOMELTDOWN just stands there pondering this for a moment. He then shrugs his shoulders and goes back to eating the squares from the bag.

TAG

INT – AH.COM MEDBAY – DAY

We see KIT, LANDSHARK, DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, DIAMOND, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE, IRONYUPPIE and WEAPON M all standing around receiving injections from TORQUMADA.

DIAMOND and MATT are standing by the wall.

MATT
I should have betted with you.
G.BONE didn’t get shot up.

DIAMOND
Hold on.
(pulls out gun)
HEY! G.BONE!
(begins firing)

Everyone stops and looks at DIAMOND, MATT, and the gasping G.BONE. They shrug and turn back around.

TORQUMADA
You’d better clean up that mess.
(returns to injections)

LANDSHARK
You sure this is necessary?

TORQUMADA
Look—you guys could have been exposed
to an unknown and potentially dangerous
disease. I’m not going to have a repeat
of the ‘Woody Incident’.

KIT
(smiling)
I actually rather enjoyed that
experience to be honest….

IRONYUPPIE
As did I….

TORQUMADA
Hrumph! Well—in any case—
with this shot, you should be
immunized to the disease and
any virus that is in your system
will be destroyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
You actually made a successful vaccine?
You know—the people of this
world could really use this….

TORQUMADA
Hrumph! Fine! I’ll arrange for some of the major
hospitals to obtain some samples of the vaccine.
Happy now?

DOCTOR WHAT
If you charge for it I will be.
(grins)

TORQUMADA
Ok—that should be all of you—
hey—where’s DAVE HOWERY?

INT – DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

We see a figure huddled under a large blanket on the bed. We suddenly see a ghostly white hand reach out and grab a book “Complete Guide to Canada” and pull it back under the blanket.

DAVE HOWERY
(raspy voice)
So bright… so beautiful… my precious…

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.COM ship can be seen drifting listlessly about a planet.

Suddenly an explosion can be seen blossoming toward the rear of the ship. The ship’s running lights fade momentarily and then return.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING – DAY

Smoke everywhere, sparks sparking.

Though the dense cloud of smoke we see DAVE HOWERY coughing, PSYCHOMELTDOWN can be seen dragging and unconscious G.BONE away from a smoking machine.

G.BONE
Oh, god!
The Pain!!!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(horrified)
What the hell happened?

DOCTOR WHAT (over com)
What the hell just happened?

G.BONE
OH GOD!
THE PAIN!!
THE PAIN!!!

DOCTOR WHAT (OC)
What are you doing to my ship!
Hello?
Is anyone there?

DAVE HOWERY pokes his head up from behind a smoking machine. He hands PSYCHOMELTDOWN a cup.

DAVE HOWEYR
Try it. It tastes okay.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(surprised)
Hey. It does.

DOCTOR WHAT (OC)
What’s going one? You’re
supposed to be fixing the ship!

DAVE HOWERY (into com)
Hey. The ship was repaired yesterday.
What those Cffers did to us, has been fixed.
I told you this

DOCTOR WHAT (OC)
Oh. What are you guys doing?

DAVE HOWERY
Making an espresso.

DOCTOR WHAT (OC)
Oh.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Should we do something about G.Bone?

G.BONE
(whimpering)
Help me..
Please…

DAVE HOWERY
Let him walk it off.
He’s not hurt at all..

G.BONE screams as DAVE HOWERY nudges him with his foot.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, I guess we could call Torq…

G.BONE continues to sob in pain..

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“HAMSTERS OF THE INQUISITION”

Written By: DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Several crew members are lined up in preparation for an away mission. DOCTOR WHAT is walking along inspecting them. He passes MATT in full powered armor, plasma rifle charged and ready. Next is WEAPON M, loaded down with so many weapons you can hardly see his shirt. Then it’s IRONYUPPIE, electric Chinese yoyo in one hand and baseball bat slung across her back. DOCTOR WHAT stops and opens his mouth to say something, but Yuppie glares at him, and he moves on. DIAMOND is next in line, two claw hammers on a bandolier on his chest, and two Colt six shooters holstered at his hips. Next up is OTHNIEL, a single .45 Colt automatic at his belt. DOCTOR WHAT stops in front of the last crew member, DAVE HOWERY, holding his adamantium chainsaw.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good God, has it been six months already?

DAVE HOWERY
Yep. You said I could go on the first away
mission to come up after six months passed.

DOCTOR WHAT
I did? Oh yeah, I did.
Damn I must have been drunk.

DIAMOND
When aren’t you?

Everyone laughs.

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring the laughing)
OK, Dave, you remember just what it was
that got you banned from away missions
for six months?

DAVE HOWERY
(hangs head)
Yes. But I saved you guys from
being mind controlled that last time…

DOCTOR WHAT
(snorts)
MATT and G.bone saved us.
(MATT nods)
Now. You remember just what you have to
promise to be allowed to go on this one?

DAVE HOWERY
(sighing dejectedly)
I promise not to try to conquer Canada, damn it!

KIT
And don’t hit on the president’s daughter,
like you did on that timeline where Clinton
was a 4 term president.

DAVE HOWERY
Ya know, we didn’t have any problems
there until you hit on Al Gore!

KIT
But… he has that dark hair.. and blue eyes.
. and square jaw..

MATT
Oh, and if there is a Brooklyn Bridge here,
don’t saw through the supports and bring it crashing down.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, the guy who stole my wallet was getting
away across it, how else was I supposed to get it back?

DIAMOND
(sotto voice)
Christ. Why do we have this guy on our ship?

MATT
(also sotto voice)
He’s the chief engineer?

DIAMOND
Not a good one though.

MATT
He’s an expert on the Alamo and
War of Texan Independence?

DIAMOND
That’s still not a good reason.

WEAPON M
Come on guys, you know we keep him here
because he’s the only one who knows
how to program the VCR.

DIAMOND
Oh yeah.

OTHNIEL
And, Dave, if there is an Internet here,
don’t crash it trying to download e
very stored porn database all at once.

DAVE HOWERY
That wasn’t me, it was DOCTOR WHAT!

DOCTOR WHAT
(hurriedly)
Never mind, we’re wasting time here. Leo,
what can you tell us about this timeline?

LEO CAESIUS
Fascinating. Utterly fascinating.

DOCTOR WHAT
What is?

LEO CAESIUS
It’s shocking. Amazing.
How could this have happened?

ENTIRE AWAY TEAM
WHAT?!

LEO CAESIUS
The linear B version of written southern Akkadian
has an umlaut that is declinated laterally! Astonishing!

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh.. that’s great, Leo. But why did you tell us
we needed to be armed for bear on this world?

LEO CAESIUS
There seems to be a lot of unrest in the USA here.
US troops are in action in large numbers in California
and the western mountain states. The eastern half
of the country seems calm, but there are an enormous
number of surveillance satellites in orbit over that area,
monitoring everything. There is a debris field in orbit
over the west half of the country; the remains of yet
more satellites, which have been destroyed.
There are only a few left there.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm. What about the rest of the world?

LEO CAESIUS
Not much seems to be happening. Low level
border conflicts at most. But… Rome and
Jerusalem have been destroyed by nuclear
blasts sometime recently. And Canada has
massed most of it’s army on the US border.

DAVE HOWERY
What, all 12 of them?

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t like going down in the midst of a civil war.
Is there anything we really need down there?

EVERYONE (except OTHNIEL)
BOOZE!!

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it, did we run out again?!

MATT
Well, Grey Wolf had a party….

DOCTOR WHAT
I should have known. Well, I still don’t
want to go down there. You’ll just have
to wait until the next timeline.

LEO CAESIUS
Dr., I should inform you that your entire porn
collection has been erased from the main computer.

DOCTOR WHAT
(stunned)
All of it?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes.

DOCTOR WHAT
No more threesomes, foursomes, or fivesomes movies?

LEO CAESIUS
Nope.

DOCTOR WHAT
No more bondage or spanking movies?

LEO CAESIUS
All gone.

DOCTOR WHAT
Crap! Who would do such a thing?!

Everyone looks at OTHNIEL, who looks nonchalantly at his shoes.

DOCTOR WHAT
To the shuttle!

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

An AH.COM shuttle speeds toward the earth.

INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY

The away team is packed tightly inside, except for IRONYUPPIE, who glares at the others and toys with her electric yoyo… the others give her plenty of room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Remember the mission plan, guys.

WEAPON M
Uh… get porn and booze?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well… yeah… but also, stay out of trouble.
Don’t start fights, don’t insult the locals,
and don’t take sides in this war. We get in,
get supplies, and get out fast. Where are we
landing anyway?

MATT
Leo picked out a wooded area near DC
that seems to be free of troops

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The shuttle heads towards the eastern seaboard of the USA.

EXT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – DAY

Dawn is breaking over the capital city, and the away team appears from out of a grove of trees. DOCTOR WHAT points to a suburb off in the distance, and the team walks in that direction.

EXT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – STREET – DAY

The away team is walking down a very neat and tidy street. The people who pass by look curiously at the heavily armed team, but say nothing and hurry on their way.

MATT
Weird. It looks peaceful enough here,
but everyone seems afraid of something.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmmm… do you suppose there are
guerrillas operating here?

WEAPON M
Maybe, but I don’t see any damage
or guardposts or sentries.

Suddenly, a loud buzzing sound is heard from somewhere off camera. The away team looks around but sees nothing that would have caused it.

DOCTOR WHAT
That was strange. Let’s check it out.

The team moves up to a cross street and rounds the corner. They stop in surprise, and the camera shifts to their point of view. A man in black robes and hood stands looking down at a woman quaking in fear on the ground. A huge holographic hand hangs in the air over her, index finger pointing down accusingly. A squad of soldiers in black body armor and helmets stands behind the robed man, grinning nastily as they hold their assault rifles.

INQUISITOR
Accursed one! You have turned your back
on our Perfect Society and embraced the
foolish ways of the Dark Ages! For this
betrayal, you shall be given over to… The Torture!

WOMAN
(sobbing)
No! Please! Have mercy! It was only a slip
of the tongue! I am not one of the Forbidden Ones!

INQUISITOR
Save your lies for the torturer, enemy!
You dared to utter a Forbidden Name
and have betrayed yourself!

He turns his back on the woman. Two soldiers grab her arms and drag her to a van The holographic hand disappears. The camera moves back to the away team, who are looking on in confusion.

IRONYUPPIE
Well, that… that was… can anyone tell
me just what that was all about?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, that’s why everyone seems so afraid,
I guess. But what was her crime?
We need to be careful here.

WEAPON M
That black robed doofus said something
about a Forbidden Name. What do you
suppose that means? Why can saying a
name be a crime? For Christ’s sake, you’d think….

A loud buzzing name sounds directly over the team, and a huge holographic hand appears in the air, finger pointing down at WEAPON M, who looks at it in shock. The INQUISITOR and his soldiers turn around at the disturbance, and start moving towards them.

MATT
Uh oh.

IRONYUPPIE
Ok, fearless leader, what do we do now?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… uh….

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering)
Men! Useless damn creatures…
(loudly)
Weapons out!

The away team brings all weapons to bear. Guns are cocked, a plasma rifle hums, a chainsaw snarls, and an electric yoyo sparks. The troops hesitate, when they see this, but the INQUISITOR seems oblivious and walks right up to the team.

INQUISITOR
Another Forbidden one in our midst!
What a glorious day for our Perfect Society!
(looking at WEAPON M)
Accursed One! You have turned your back
on our Perfect Society and…

The INQUISITOR’s eyes wander to OTHNIEL, and he stops in mid speech.

INQUISITOR
You!
(looking at DAVE HOWERY)
And you!
(looking at DIAMOND, fury on his face)
And you!! The three great enemies of
the Most High! All here together!
What plot is this?! No matter…
the resistance shall be crushed today.
Get them!

The INQUISITOR waves his arms forward, and the soldiers howl and charge the team. The camera mercifully moves to a high angle over the city. The battle cannot be seen, but heavy gunfire can be heard, along with the gritty sound of a chainsaw slicing through bone and an occasional electric ZAP. When the noises end, the camera moves back to the away team. They are surrounded by the remains of the soldiers, weapons smoking and bloodied, but the team is unharmed. The INQUISITOR stands alone now, looking scared.

WEAPON M
I shall decline on being arrested today.
Got a problem with that, pencilneck?

The INQUISITOR swallows nervously, but he looks again at DIAMOND, and a look of sheer hate comes over his face. He looks straight up to the sky.

INQUISITOR
Code 1! Code 1! The Three are here!
Send forces now! Release the Vel…

He stops as IRONYUPPIE’s electric yoyo hits him square on the forehead. He staggers, runs around in a circle, falls down, and makes swimming motions on the ground.

IRONYUPPIE looks at her yoyo in disappointment.

IRONYUPPIE
It must need recharging…
should’ve dropped him like a rock.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, this is just great!
No porn or booze on this trip!
We’ll have to retreat and
try another timeline.

The team members look at each other woefully

MATT
No whiskey for days!

WEAPON M
No beer!

DOCTOR WHAT
No lesbian sex toy orgies!

Everyone nods, all looking sad.

DIAMOND
Did you notice that guy seemed
to recognize some of us? Do you
suppose our counterparts are on
the other side of the war here?

DAVE HOWERY
Neat! Maybe I’m a general here!

DIAMOND
Well, it’s better than that timeline
where you were a famous male
underwear model.
(shudders)

DAVE HOWERY
Ha ha. Well, that robed idiot hated
you more than the rest of us. Your
counterpart must be really annoying
here, which seems to be a constant
on every timeline.

DOCTOR WHAT
Knock it off, guys. Well, might as
well go back to the shuttle.

WEAPON M
Uh, guys? What do I do about that?

WEAPON M points up to the holographic hand above him. He steps to the right, and the hand follows him.

WEAPON M
I can’t have a giant hand pointing at me
everywhere I go. People will laugh at me.

OTHNIEL
We do that anyway.

DAVE HOWERY
The transmitters can’t have much range.
It should fade when we get further away.

MATT
Hey, who do you think that guy was
talking to there at the end? The clouds?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m guessing the satellites. Now we
know why there are so many of them
up there… they are monitoring everything
people say. It’s something out of 1984!
He was calling for help. We’d better get moving.

The rumble of truck engines is head all around the team, as well as odd high pitched chittering noises.

MATT
Too late!

IRONYUPPIE
What do we do?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… Uh…

IRONYUPPIE
(muttering)
Men! If it wasn’t for the 4 or 5 hours of sex
you get out of them every day, they wouldn’t
be worth their weight in fertilizer.
(loudly)
Weapons out! Perimeter defense!

The team members form a circle, weapons pointing out in all directions. Military trucks roll in from all sides and soldiers leap out of them, assault rifles at the ready. Around the trucks comes dozens of nightmarish creatures. They are huge rodents built on the frame of a carnosaur: bipedal, long tails, short arms with long claws, long necks, and maws full of sharp fangs. Small antennas stick up out of their heads, and a low beeping sound can be heard coming from them. The creatures snarl and chitter and advance on the team. These are deadly velocihamsters, the product of incredibly insane genetic engineering.

DOCTOR WHAT
COOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!

WEAPON M
Hey! The hand’s gone!

The team looks up at the empty air over WEAPON M’s head.

DIAMOND
Great. Now, instead of people laughing
at you, you’re going to be torn apart
by giant rodents. Is that better?

WEAPON M
Well….

A booming voice comes out of the sky over the team.

VOICE
Stand and be judged, Accursed Ones!
Submit to the forces of the Most High.
Resistance is futile!

DIAMOND
I know that voice…

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at DIAMOND with irritation)
So do I. Now I know why they hate you here so much.

A huge holographic face appears above the team, a face void of any human emotion. Pitiless, merciless, passionless. It looks down on the team like a man looks down on ants. A collective groan is heard from the team.

IRONYUPPIE
Of course!

OTHNIEL
That explains everything.

DAVE HOWERY
Who else would set up such a screwed up world!

DIAMOND
Only him. Michael Elliott Johnson.

Fade to Black

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – STREET – DAY

The AH.COM away team is faced with a number of heavily armed black armored troops, carrying assault weapons, and terrifyingly of all, velocihamsters. A black robed INQUISITOR steps out of the ranks of soldiers.

INQUISITOR
Surrender or die!

WEAPON M
Screw you!

DIAMOND
Eat lead!

DAVE HOWERY
Bite me!

IRONYUPPIE
Make me!

MATT
Kiss my hairy red ass!

OTHNIEL
No!

DOCTOR WHAT
(whispering to OTHNIEL)
No?! That’s the best you could come up with?

OTHNIEL shrugs.

MATT
You’ll never take us alive!!!

INQUISITOR
(evilly)
So be it!
Attack!!!!

Cut to:

EXT. WASHINGTON D.C – WOODED AREA –DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, DIAMOND, MATT, WEAPON M, and IRONYUPPIE appear, limping and bloody. IRONYUPPIE carries a bloodstained cardboard box. They are nearing where the shuttle is parked. The team enters the shuttle and shuts the ramp behind them.

INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY

The team members collapse wearily into chairs, except for IRONYUPPIE, who sets the box on the floor. We see a bloodied hand slowly rise from the box and hear a sickening gurgling sound.

IRONYUPPIE
Well, here’s OTHNIEL.
(a beat)
Most of him, anyway.

DIAMOND leans forward, looks in the box, and looks faintly ill.

DIAMOND
Ick! Can Torq fix him?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
Why not? He’s had to deal with worse.
Stitch him back together, grow a few
new parts in the cloning tanks,
and he’s good as new.
Right, Oth?

Gurgling.

MATT.
That’s good. Still, we failed.
No booze, no porn. And I really
wanted a good bottle of Wild Turkey.

WEAPON M
Budweiser!

IRONYUPPIE
A good white zinfandel!

DOCTOR WHAT
Bisexual interracial fisting orgies!

DIAMOND
Keystone Light!

Everyone looks uneasily at DIAMOND and shuffles away from him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, at least we got away.
Man, what a mess we left behind!
Let’s prepare for takeoff. We’ll just have
to get booze and porn in the next timeline.
(looks accusingly at DIAMOND)
Why is it that every third or fourth timeline we go to,
you and MEJ are in a blood feud?

DIAMOND
I dunno. Why are you a porn star in
every third or fourth timeline we go to?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh.. never mind.

MATT
Well, without porn or booze,
what will we do for entertainment?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, let’s see what they have for TV here.

He goes over to the ship’s computer and punches a few keys.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey! They have 16 different porn channels
on cable here! Ooh! They’re showing
“Naughty Backdoor Nurses” tonight…
and “Coed Spanking Slumber Parties IV”
too! Damn! They’re both on at the same time.

DIAMOND
No problem, Dave can set it up so you can
watch one and record the other. Right, Dave?

Silence.

DIAMOND
Dave??

Silence.

DIAMOND
(looking around the shuttle)
Where is Dave?

The team looks around the shuttle, but DAVE HOWERY is nowhere to be seen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh hell.

EXT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – DAY

This is a vast domed structure of white marble. The camera moves in towards the entrance, a pair of massive oaken doors. A banner hangs over the door, showing a group of racially diverse people with rather Prozac-like smiles on their faces and hands raised in greeting. The legend on the banner reads “Moving Towards A Perfect New World Order”.

INT . – INQUISITOR PALACE – AUDIENCE CHAMBER – DAY

The camera swings around to show a vast domed chamber supported by a single massive column in the center of the room. The camera moves forward, showing a high ornate throne set against the wall. Michael Elliot Johnson is seated on it. The throne is gleaming gold and silver, decorated with rare jewels and ivory scrollwork. A cloth-of-gold banner above it reads “MOST HIGH INQUISITOR”. A folding chair is set on the floor by the throne; NAPOLEON XIV sits on it. A small handwritten sign taped to the chair reads “SECOND MOST HIGH INQUISITOR”. Two soldiers enter the room, dragging a handcuffed DAVE HOWERY between them. They drop him in front of the throne. Another soldier enters, carrying Dave’s adamantium chainsaw. He sets it on the ground. DAVE HOWERY looks blearily up at the throne and painfully gets up onto his knees. MEJ clears his throat and NAPOLEON XIV leaps to his feet.

NAPOLEON XIV
Hear ye hear ye! The Most High Inquisitor
shall address you now. All hearken to
his voice, his wit, his wisdom!

NAPOLEON XIV sits back down and the soldiers all bow to the throne.

MEJ
So. This is the great rebel leader.
Here. That’s odd.

NAPOLEON XIV
Yes, it is odd, Most High. I just spoke to our general
in Montana, and he insists that DAVE HOWERY
is in the field against him there right now.
How can he be here too?

NAPOLEON XIV walks over to the adamantium chainsaw and nudges it with his foot.

NAPOLEON XIV
And this is not his usual choice of weapons.

MEJ
(looking at DAVE HOWERY)
You have my permission to speak and
yammer out your feeble explanations, worm.

DAVE HOWERY
Gosh, thanks. Uh… would you
believe I’m his twin brother?

MEJ
No.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh… a clone?

MEJ
No.

DAVE HOWERY
Fine. Would you believe
I’m an alternate DAVE HOWERY
from another timeline?

MEJ
Actually, yes.

DAVE HOWERY
Really? Wow!
No one ever believes that!

MEJ
Your ship was seen by our satellites
as it exited from some sort of vortex.
The energy signature measured could
only be from one source: trans-
dimensional travel. Your shuttle was
seen as it entered our atmosphere.
And of course, the weapons your raiders
carried when they basely attacked my
loyal servants are like nothing on this
world. It is not so hard to believe that
you are from another timeline. And
your purpose here is easily known too:
you conspire with my enemies to destroy me!

DAVE HOWERY
Actually, we came to buy booze and porn….

MEJ
Do not lie to me, worm! Such technology
at your disposal, and you tell me that it is
used for such trivial things?! You are
Christian fanatics from another dimension
come here to conspire with my enemies and
bring down our Perfect Society. You want
to put the chains of superstition and fraud
of the Dark Ages back on our wrists!

DAVE HOWERY
Wait. You think our crew is a bunch of
fanatic Christians? Are you kidding?
Most of us won’t get to Heaven unless
they lower their standards a lot. A whole lot.
Way way down. Almost to the vanishing point.
And most of us still wouldn’t make it.

MEJ
Enough lies! I now pass judgment upon you.
You have slain dozens of our loyal servants
and conspired with our enemies.
I sentence you to… The Torture!

NAPOLEON XIV and the soldiers gasp, while DAVE HOWERY looks on blankly. The soldiers take hold of DAVE HOWERY and his chainsaw and drag them through the east door of the chamber. The camera lingers on a sign above the door: “Abandon Hope, All Ye That Enter Here.”

EXT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE – EVENING

The camera shows the exterior of the shuttle. Loud voices can be heard arguing inside it.

INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE – EVENING

DOCTOR WHAT
He was right behind you!
When did you lose track of him?

DIAMOND
Probably when that big frickin’
hamster was trying to chew on
my groin. That has a way of
distracting a guy, ya know?!
Besides, IRONYUPPIE was
behind me too.. why didn’t
she see anything?

IRONYUPPIE
Well, I was just a LITTLE busy
picking up pieces of OTHNIEL!
Not that any of YOU could be
bothered to do that! Men!
Leave it the woman to deal
with the messy stuff!

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok, ok. Well, he’s in the enemy hands
for sure. What do we do about it?

WEAPON M
We… could… leave him there?

MATT, IRONYUPPIE, and DIAMOND look happy at that. DOCTOR WHAT seems annoyed.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine. Which one of you is going to read
the manual and program the VCR so I
can watch two porn movies at once?

MATT
Oh, all right, we’ll rescue him.
Damn, the things we have to
do for your porn addiction…

DOCTOR WHAT
Let me contact the ship first.

DOCTOR WHAT pushes the communications button on the computer panel.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! You there? How’s things on board?

LEO CAESIUS
(sounding oddly disturbed for a computer)
Dr.! Please tell me you’re on the way back.
The crew is going insane without porn or
booze! Grey Wolf has taken hostages in
the hydroponics bay. KIT and Abdul
got into a HUGE fight. GBW is sitting
in your chair with a shotgun and looking
funny at everyone. G Bone hasn’t been
seen for days… I think HENDRYK ate
him! And Psycho keeps sobbing in the
Battle Room. You don’t want to know what
Straha and DMA are doing to the SHEEP.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry, Leo, we’re still on the surface. We
have one more thing to do here. Now, There’s
a box I want you to beam straight to the medical bay.

With a crack, the bloody cardboard box (upon someone has helpfully written “OTHNIEL chunks”) vanishes.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right, everyone reload, recharge,
whatever. We’re going back in.
And we’re not leaving without DAVE!

Everyone groans.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – DUNGEONS – NIGHT

Two soldiers lead DAVE HOWERY down a corridor and stop in front of a metal door. As they fumble with the key, DAVE HOWERY looks around and sees a soundproofed window on the opposite wall. He looks through it and sees the woman who was taken by the Inquisitors earlier that day. She is strapped hand and foot to a large metal chair, but is slumped over in it, obviously dead. Her eyes are blank, her face is expressionless, and gooey brain gel is dribbling out of her ears. DAVE HOWERY looks at her horrified, until a soldier’s hand grabs his collar and yanks him away. The soldiers shove him through the doorway and the metal door slams shut. The camera pulls back, showing a silent empty corridor.

INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE – NIGHT

The remaining team members are lined up, ready to go. Everyone is cleaned up and loaded for bear. DOCTOR WHAT lowers the ramp and waves everyone forward. The team jogs down the ramp.

EXT. – WASHINGTON D.C – NIGHT

The away team is moving quickly towards the suburbs of DC, when MATT, on point, suddenly stops and waves everyone to a halt. A squad of tough looking men in camo fatigues has surrounded them, M-16s pointed and ready.

MATT
Well, this rescue mission ended in a hurry.

WEAPON M
Wait. These don’t look like the
government troops we saw earlier.

VOICE (OS)
We’re not from the government.

The team members all look to their left, and the camera swings around to show the squad leader. He is ALT. DIAMOND, who looks a lot like DIAMOND (of course) but is leaner, more muscular, and is missing his left arm below the elbow. DIAMOND and ALT. DIAMOND stare at each other in shock.

ALT. DIAMOND
So, it’s true. You are from another timeline.

DIAMOND
What did you do to my arm?
Uh, your arm. Our arm.
You know what I mean!

ALT. DIAMOND
It’s a long story.
(turning to DOCTOR WHAT)
We need to talk.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – TORTURE CHAMBER – NIGHT

DAVE HOWERY sits in a metal chair, ankle and wrist straps immobilizing him. Looking around, he sees a soundproofed window on the wall by the door. Otherwise, the room is bare except for a small table with a CD player on it. NAPOLEON XIV opens the door and walks in.

NAPOLEON XIV
Your sentence is to be carried out now.
If you like, I will allow you a moment
to mumble useless prayers to your non-
existent God to save your non-existent soul.

DAVE HOWERY
Can I have a beer instead?

NAPOLEON XIV
You won’t need beer anymore.

DAVE HOWERY
What! Never!
(glares)
Do your worse!!!

NAPOLEON XIV takes a CD case out of his pocket. DAVE HOWERY sees the cover and visibly pales.

DAVE HOWERY
You…. You wouldn’t!
That’s insanely cruel!
No one could be so fiendish!

NAPOLEON XIV ignores him and puts the CD into the player. He pushes a button and hurries out of the room, shutting the door behind him. DAVE HOWERY, stark terror on his face, flexes and squirms, trying to get free, but to no avail. The music starts playing… it is the horrible sound of Celine Dion singing the rap version of “Muskrat Love”. The camera shifts to the corridor outside, where NAPOLEON XIV is watching through the window. In spite of the soundproofing, DAVE HOWERY’s anguished scream can be faintly heard. NAPOLEON XIV laughs and walks away.

INT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – REBEL SAFE HOUSE – NIGHT

The away team is seated around a table in a dimly lit room. Rebel soldiers stand guard at the doors and windows. ALT. DIAMOND walks in and seats himself at the table. He takes off his military cap and puts it on the table, then rubs his head wearily.

ALT. DIAMOND
I suppose you have some questions.

DIAMOND
Well, first, just who are you on this world?

ALT. DIAMOND
Captain of the resistance in Northern California.
OTHNIEL is the leader of the resistance in Utah
and Idaho, while DAVE HOWERY leads those in
Montana and Wyoming. Those are the three biggest
groups, but we have sympathizers everywhere.
We even have spies here in DC itself,
which is how we found out about you.

DOCTOR WHAT
And this government you’re rebelling against.
Just how in hell did this world do anything
so insane as to let MEJ be in charge of everything?
On most timelines, he is forbidden specifically
by name to be elected for anything.

ALT. DIAMOND
It all began back in the 80s when radical atheist
fundamentalists began to take over the government.
They took over every branch of the government
and came to dominate politics so completely that
it was impossible for moderates to win anything.
MEJ was a fast riser in this system and was
elected president in 2000. Then, after the catholic
terrorists attacked on 9/11, he declared martial law,
and began the Inquisition against the Christians.

WEAPON M
Radical… atheist… fundamentalists? That’s… bizarre.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wha… Catholic terrorists did 9/11?!

ALT. DIAMOND
Of course. In response for the nuking of …

DOCTOR WHAT
Rome! MEJ nuked the Vatican!
Jerusalem too, I suppose.

WEAPON M
Hey! I’m an atheist!
Am I a big shot on this world?

ALT. DIAMOND
Uh… no. Actually, you were a big shot,
but MEJ used you as a scapegoat for the
nuking of Rome and sentenced you to the
salt mines of Utah, where you died of thirst in 2002.

WEAPON M
I’m dead? In 2002? Before I had my threesome?
How tragic!

DIAMOND
(muttering)
Salt mines. DAVE HOWERY would be so happy.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok. So, just what do you need from us?
And why are you here instead of California?

ALT. DIAMOND
Well…. MEJ is planning something.
You have to realize that our two sides
are deadlocked. They can’t crush us,
we can’t take land here in the east.
All our intelligence indicates that MEJ
is planning something to break this
stalemate, but we don’t know what.
We need to find out what’s he’s planning.
You need to get in to rescue DAVE HOWERY.
We have blueprints of the palace, you
have the firepower. We could work
together to accomplish all our goals.

DOCTOR WHAT looks at the rest of the team, who all nod in agreement.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ok, you’ve got a deal.

ALT. DIAMOND
Excellent! Since DAVE HOWERY is
such an important person on this world,
I thought he must be on yours too, and
you’d be eager to rescue him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… right.

MATT
Wanna trade our version for yours?

ALT. DIAMOND
Why? Can yours run a guerilla
campaign in the mountains too?

MATT
(proudly)
No, but he can program a VCR!

ALT. DIAMOND
Any damn fool can do that!

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course. Let’s have a look at those blueprints.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – TORTURE ROOM – NIGHT

DAVE HOWERY sags against his restraints, sobbing in agony. The music ends and DAVE HOWERY looks up hopefully, but the CD player is on a continual play loop, and the music starts again. DAVE HOWERY twitches in pain, tears running down his face.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – AUDIENCE CHAMBER – NIGHT

MEJ stands in front of his throne, hands clasped behind his back, deep in thought. NAPOLEON XIV walks in and bows.

NAPOLEON XIV
Everything is ready. Your command
is all that is needed to set your
final solution into motion.

MEJ
At last. Finally, we will crush the
rebellion once and for all. Nothing
will stand in the way of creating our
Perfect Society, free of any taint of
the Dark Ages superstition.

MEJ takes a remote control device out of his pocket and pushes a button. Three wall panels above the throne retract, revealing three huge monitors. He pushes another button and a monitor lights up. It shows a vista of Utah’s desert mountains.

MEJ
Unleash the Mechahamsters!

On the monitor, it can be seen that the side of a mountain comes crashing down, revealing a huge cave. Out of the cave comes five huge mechs, all shaped like bipedal hamsters, but the ‘arms’ are weapons platforms bristling with rocket launchers and chain guns. MEJ pushes another button and the second monitor lights up, showing a view of a Montana pine forest.

MEJ
Release the Great Black Flumph of Doom!

The monitor shows a vast shadow covering the forest. A huge flat disc shaped flying creature, wider than the Astrodome, flies into the scene. It has a fringe of long tentacles hanging down, and a wide gash of a mouth on the bottom, dripping acidic drool. MEJ pushes another button and the last monitor lights up, showing a view of a California redwood forest.

MEJ
And finally… send out the Endless Swarm!

The monitor shows a sinkhole suddenly opening in the earth. Out of it comes wave after wave of velocihamsters, all chittering in vicious killing frenzy. All have small antennas implanted in their heads, emitting a low beeping sound.

MEJ
At last! Our victory will soon be complete!
None will dare stand against us now!
Today, the nation will be united under
our rule. Later, the whole world will be ours!

NAPOLEON XIV
I live to grovel in your presence!

EXT. – NORTHERN CALIFORNIA – REBEL CAMP – NIGHT

The camera rolls through the redwood trees. Tough looking men in camo fatigues are seen moving around. The camera focuses on one man and moves in closer. It is ATL STRAHA, an incredibly fit, trim, muscled, and healthy man, a paragon of clean living. A rebel soldier runs up to him and salutes.

REBEL SOLDIER
Sir! Something’s happening on the front lines!
Our outposts are being overrun!

ATL STRAHA and the rebel run to over to a nearby ridge and look on the valley below. A vast wave of writhing brown fur is rolling forward towards the rebel camp. Screams and brief flurries of gunfire can be heard.

ATL STRAHA
Sweet Jesus! Get me the satellite phone!

INT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – SEWER TUNNELS – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT
Man, this stinks! Are you sure
this leads to the palace?

ALT. DIAMOND
Yes, the plans are clear about that.

MATT
Damn it, they’ll be able to smell
us coming a mile away.

WEAPON M
(muttering)
We can always smell
you coming a mile away.

MATT
I heard that!

A beeping sound is heard coming from ALT. DIAMOND’s pocket. He snaps his fingers and the rebel squad halts. He takes a satellite phone out of his pocket and talks into it.

ALT. DIAMOND
Straha? Straha!
Are you there? Report!

The away team look at each other in disbelief, mouthing ‘Straha?” DOCTOR WHAT waves for silence.

EXT. – NORTHERN CALIFORNIA – REBEL CAMP – NIGHT

The camp is sheer bedlam, as velocihamsters race through it attacking rebels who fight back with rifles and pistols. ATL STRAHA is dodging through the melee, one hand holding the phone to his ear, and the other holding a Colt .45 automatic. A velocihamster lunges at him and ATL STRAHA shoots it through the head, dropping it at his feet.

ATL STRAHA
Sir! The camp is lost. I’m ordering a retreat!
We’ll try to regroup at..

Two velocihamsters charge at him and are gunned down. ATL STRAHA suddenly turns to his right, and a look of brief horror crosses his face. ‘

Tight on a velocihamster fanged mouth.

Cut to:

INT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – SEWER TUNNELS – NIGHT

ALT. DIAMOND is listening as the phone suddenly goes dead. He puts the phone back in his pocket.

ALT. DIAMOND
We’re too late. It’s begun.

DIAMOND
Well, maybe we should keep going.
If we can grab MEJ, maybe we can
force him to put a stop to all this.

ALT. DIAMOND
That’s our only hope at this point.
Let’s go, the whole resistance
movement is in danger of collapse.

EXT. – NORTHWESTERN UTAH – REBEL CAMP – NIGHT

The camera sweeps across a magnificent view of desert mountains. A rebel soldier in desert fatigues, MIDGARDMETAL, stands on the edge of a cliff, looking over the scenery through binoculars. He turns, and we see he is deeply bronzed and sporting a military buzz cut.

MIDGARDMETAL
Captain! I think they’re up to something!

The camera shifts to the rebel headquarters, where the rebel captain is standing by a table with maps spread over it. He is ATL OTHNIEL, a rather gaun person. He has a livid scar running down the left side of his face and that eye is covered with a black patch decorated with a small silver cross. He walks over by MIDGARDMETAL and looks out over the desert. His forces are solidly entrenched on the desert floor below, secure in bunkers and weapons pits bristling with heavy weapons. A low ridge several miles away can be seen. A huge dust cloud is rising behind it, raised by something unseen.

MIDGARDMETAL
You think they’ll attack again today?

ATL OTHNIEL
Looks like it. You’d think the last
asskicking we gave them would
have sunk in… yep, here they come.

The camera switches to the ridge, where lines of Inquistor soldiers and battle tanks can be seen charging over it. Heavy weapons fire from the rebel lines smashes into them, leaving tanks burning and soldiers down on the ground.

ATL OTHNIEL
I don’t like this. They aren’t so dumb
as to charge straight into our defenses.
They’re up to something.

MIDGARDMETAL is watching the battle through binoculars, and suddenly stiffens in surprise.

MIDGARDMETAL
What the hell is that?

ATL OTHNIEL looks up. He sees a huge gleaming metallic object coming into view on the ridge. It is the head of one of the Mechahamsters. One at a time they appear, until all five are standing on the ridge, each a massive construct of burnished steel. They walk down the ridge towards the battle. Rockets and chain gun fire lance from their hands into the rebel lines, destroying heavy weapons and men.

ATL OTHNIEL
(with utter calm)
This just got complicated.
Let’s get down there.

INT. – WASHINGTON D.C. – SEWER TUNNELS – NIGHT

The away team and rebels stop at a ladder going up the tunnel wall.

ALT. DIAMOND
This is the one. It should lead up to an
old storeroom in the basement of the palace,
so chances are good we won’t be seen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Great! Who wants to go up first and
check it out? I can’t go ‘cuz I don’t
have any weapons.

MATT
I can’t climb in this power armor.

IRONYUPPIE
I can’t go, ‘cuz DOCTOR WHAT
will look at my ass while I climb!

WEAPON M
I’m not going for the same reason.

DIAMOND
I can’t go ‘cuz… ‘cuz… damn it!
All right, gimme a flashlight.

DIAMOND holsters his pistols and takes a flashlight from a rebel. He starts climbing the ladder.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – DUNGEONS – NIGHT

The camera shows a darkened storeroom. A trapdoor suddenly pops up from the floor. DIAMOND’s eyes can be seen looking out. He puts the flashlight up and sweeps it around the room, then looks down the ladder again.

DIAMOND
All clear. Let’s get everyone up here.

EXT. – WESTERN MONTANA – FOREST – NIGHT

A troop of rebel rangers in camo fatigues moves ghostlike through the trees. They carry a mix of M-16s and Stinger launchers. Their captain, ATL DAVE HOWERY, is near the front of the squad. He carries a long barreled sniper rifle. The point man, DRACONISNOIR, suddenly raises a hand and the squad stops.

ATL DAVE HOWERY
(whispering)
What is it?

DRACONISNOIR
Not sure… too quiet.

Suddenly, the sunlight dims as the Great Black Flumph glides into view. ATL DAVE HOWERY waves his hand down and the rangers move down into cover. The flumph flies in random directions, obviously searching. It starts to fly away from the squad, and one man stands up. ATL DAVE HOWERY frantically waves him back down, but the flumph has seen them. It roars in rage and comes flying back over the squad.

ATL DAVE HOWERY
Scatter!

The rangers run in all directions, and a loud spitting sound is heard from above. ATL DAVE HOWERY dives behind a tree and rolls to his feet. He sees DRACONISNOIR and 2 other rangers covered in slimy acid. They scream and slowly dissolve; skin, muscle, and finally bone all crumbling away.

ATL DAVE HOWERY
AA troop! Shoot down that flying bastard!

A volley of Stingers slams into the flumph, which staggers but stays aloft. It screams in pain and rage. It’s tentacles start grabbing trees and tearing them out of the ground. As the rangers scatter, other tentacles grab men and fling them high to let them fall to their deaths. The rangers shoot at the flumph but nothing seems to affect it.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – NIGHT

The away team and rebels are moving down the hallway of the torture chambers, looking through the windows. As they get close to the room where DAVE HOWERY is held, MATT stops.

MATT
What is that awful noise? I
t sounds like Celine Dion singing rap.

ALT. DIAMOND
Quick! Everyone put these earplugs in now!

ALT. DIAMOND passes out earplugs to everyone, who puts them on. The group continues down the hallway, looking through the windows. MATT looks through one and stops.

MATT
He’s in this one!
Everyone else
What?
(muttering)
Damn earplugs.

MATT points at the window, and everyone else comes to look through it. They see DAVE HOWERY still secured in his chair, but he is slumped over in it, motionless. ALT. DIAMOND opens the door and walks into the room. He turns off the CD player and everyone follows him in and removes their earplugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
Is he dead?

ALT. DIAMOND
No, but he was minutes away from
having his brain liquefy and dribble
out of his ears. But he can recover.
In a month or two, he’ll be able to dress himself.

DOCTOR WHAT
He can’t even do it himself, now anyway.

MATT
We can’t wait that long. Let’s try this.

MATT slaps DAVE HOWERY across the face. His head lolls about, but there is no response.

WEAPON M
That didn’t work. Let me try.

WEAPON M slaps DAVE HOWERY across the face, but again, there is no response.

DIAMOND
You guys aren’t doing it right. Let me try.

IRONYUPPIE
No, it’s my turn, damn it!

DOCTOR WHAT
Guys! I have a better idea.

DOCTOR WHAT puts his hand over his heart and starts singing ‘O Canada’. The other team members join in. DAVE HOWERY starts twitching and moving. By the time the final “we stand on guard for thee” fades, he is sitting up and trying to speak.

DAVE HOWERY
Luh…luh… liberate Canada!

DAVE HOWERY blinks a couple of times, shakes his head, and looks at the away team.

DAVE
Hey guys! Where’d you come from?

DOCTOR WHAT
What do you remember?

DAVE HOWERY
It was awful! I wanted to claw my eardrums out but couldn’t move my hands.
A rebel standing guard by the door suddenly backs into the room.

REBEL SOLDIER
Someone’s coming!

ALT. DIAMOND shuts the door and everyone tries to squeeze against the wall out of sight. NAPOLEON XIV is seen moving down the hallway. He looks through the window and sees the empty chair. He curses, runs over to a big red button on the wall and pushes it. Alarm sirens sound throughout the palace. NAPOLEON XIV opens the door and finds himself looking down the barrels of many many guns. He whimpers.

ALT. DIAMOND
Well, if it isn’t MEJ’s second in command!

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get him secured. Maybe we can still
get out of here if we hurry. Yuppie, tie him up.

IRONYUPPIE grins nastily at NAPOLEON XIV , who faints. IRONYUPPIE drags him to the chair and secures the wrist and ankle restraints on him. She pauses, looks behind the chair, and pulls out DAVE HOWERY’s adamantium chainsaw. She hands it to him.

IRONYUPPIE
Keep your toys picked up, will you?

ALT. DIAMOND
We better hurry. The guards will
be coming down all over this place.
Damn it! We were so close.

The group hurries out of the room, leaving NAPOLEON XIV alone. Moments later though, DAVE HOWERY runs back in. He grins madly down at NAPOLEON XIV , turns on the CD player, and runs out again, slamming the door behind him. NAPOLEON XIV stirs and returns to consciousness. He looks around, struggles for a moment, and then looks at the CD player in fear. The camera zooms in on it, showing the play button has been pushed. NAPOLEON XIV looks around frantically, groaning in terror. The music starts to play, and NAPOLEON XIV screams like a damned soul.

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – AUDIENCE CHAMBER – NIGHT

The rebels and away team run through the east door. ALT. DIAMOND points to the west door and everyone heads that way. DAVE HOWERY is far behind the others and is only halfway across the chamber when the others reach the opposite door. The away team stops and looks back at him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hurry up! The guards will be here any minute!

DAVE HOWERY suddenly stops and fires up his chainsaw. Inquisitor troops are pouring in from the south door. The away team hurriedly readies their weapons.

VOICE (Off Screen)
HALT!

DAVE HOWERY looks behind him. MEJ is standing in the east doorway, remote control in hand. A pack of snarling velocihamsters is moving into the room around him.

MEJ
No one escapes the INQUISITOR!
You have nowhere to go. Your puny
rebellion is being crushed as we speak.
Even if you get out of this building,
my forces will hunt you down. Our
Perfect Society will be born this day.
And you meddlers, all of you,
will be sent to The Torture, and….

With a howl of insane rage, DAVE HOWERY slams his adamantium chainsaw through the support column in the center of the room. It splinters and crumbles. The ceiling falls in, tons of marble crushing every Inquisition soldier and velocihamster. MEJ barely has time to scream and throw up his hands before tons of rubble fall on him. The collapse throws up a huge cloud of dust. The away team stands unharmed in the west doorway, and they cough and wave the dust away from their faces. When the dust clears, they see DAVE HOWERY standing unharmed in the center of the ruins, piles of rubble all around him.

He is jumping and down madly.

DAVE HOWERY
OH YEAH! YEAH BABY! DID YOU SEE THAT?
DID’JA? I TOOK ‘EM ALL OUT WITH MY
ADAMANTIUM CHAINSAW! HA HA!
WHO’S THE BIG DOG? WHO’S YOUR DADDY?
HOW DO YA LIKE THEM APPLES, MEJ?
(insane laughter)

The other team members stare at him in disbelief.

ALT. DIAMOND
That man needs lots of therapy.

DIAMOND
Well, he did before all this too.

The camera switches to a view of the rubble. MEJ’s hand can be seen sticking out of it. The fingers go limp and his remote control device, broken and sparking, falls to the ground.

ALT. DIAMOND
It’s over.

EXT. – NORTHERN CALIFORNIA – REBEL CAMP – NIGHT

The rebels have been reduced to a handful of men standing in a weapons pit with 2 heavy machine guns. They are firing in all directions. A wall of dead velocihamsters surrounds them, but even more are attacking in endless waves. Every weapon barrel is smoking hot and ammo is running low.

Suddenly, the velocihamsters stop their attack and stand in place. The beeping sounds coming from their implanted antennas cannot be heard anymore. The velocihamsters start sniffing around, scratching themselves, and chewing on trees. A rebel fires a single shot into the air, and the velocihamsters panic and flee.

EXT. – NORTHWESTERN UTAH– REBEL CAMP – NIGHT

A fierce battle rages on the desert, with inquisitor and rebel troops running and shooting, while the Mechahamsters tower above it all like men over bugs. MIDGARDMETAL is at the rear of the rebel lines, guiding a howitzer crew trying to get a bead on a Mechahamster. MIDGARDMETAL sights down the barrel and pulls the lanyard. The shell blasts into the chest of the Mechahamster and it falls down, squishing a squad of Inquisitor troops behind it. The gun crew cheers and then scatters as another Mechahamster advances on them. Rocket fire from it’s hands destroy the howitzer. MIDGARDMETAL sees another howitzer nearby and runs that way. He fails to see the Mechahamster pursuing him. A huge steel foot slams down on MIDGARDMETAL, crushing him instantly.

Nearby, ATL OTHNIEL is standing rock still through the chaos, shouting orders at his men. He looks up when a Mechahamster steps in front of him, weapons leveled. The Rebel troops scatter, but ATL OTHNIEL stands his ground. Suddenly, the four remaining Mechahamsters freeze in place. One, caught in the act of stepping, is overbalanced and falls over. The battle ceases for a moment. Then, the rebels cheer and charge into the Inquisitorial troops, who break and run.

EXT. – WESTERN MONTANA – FOREST – NIGHT

The forest is ruined, as pine trees are uprooted everywhere. The flumph is still grabbing trees and men with it’s tentacles. ATL DAVE HOWERY is firing his sniper rifle at the flumph’s mouth, but the bolt finally clicks on an empty chamber. A long tentacle snakes towards him, and he pulls out a combat knife. Suddenly, the tentacle stops and retreats, along with all the other tentacles. The flumph rumbles out a puzzled muted growl. It’s color changes from black to light blue, and it howls in freedom and joy. It levitates up into the sky, higher and higher until it vanishes from sight.

EXT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – DAWN

The rebels and away team walk out of the ruins of the palace.

DOCTOR WHAT
So, what’s next for you guys now?

ALT. DIAMOND
Negotiate a ceasefire, reinstate the Constitution,
and hold real elections again. Eventually, pay
reparations to Italy and Israel. Get the country
back on it’s feet. What about you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Onto another timeline!

ALT. DIAMOND
Just as well. I’d hate to have to explain to
people about how a bunch of dimension
hopping explorers helped us. Still, we
owe you a lot. Is there anything we
can do to help you before you go?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, there is one thing….

MATT whispers in DOCTOR WHAT’s ear.

DOCTOR WHAT
Make that two things.

INT. – AH.COM SHUTTLE – DAY

The away team is laughing and whooping as the shuttle flies back towards the ship. The hold and every square inch of extra space is filled with cases of every alcoholic beverage known to modern man. MATT is chugging a bottle of Wild Turkey and has a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other hand. WEAPON M is working his way through a second six pack. IRONYUPPIE has a glass of chardonnay and is looking at the others disdainfully. DAVE HOWERY is grinning to no one in particular and caressing his adamantium chainsaw. DOCTOR WHAT has both arms tightly around a huge duffel bag with the word ‘PORN’ stenciled on the side, filled to the point of bursting. He looks at the others warily as if afraid they will touch it. DIAMOND is talking to LEO CAESIUS on the com

LEO CAESIUS
….anyway, it turns out HENDRYK didn’t eat G Bone.
G Bone just got lost in the storeroom again and couldn’t
find his way out. Grey Wolf lost his hostages when he
passed out after drinking a can of lighter fluid. OTHNIEL
is mostly in one piece, but still needs a left testicle.

DIAMOND
That’s….. great, Leo.
We’ll be there in a moment.
(to everyone)
Hey. At least we didn’t get
our asses kicked this time.

Everyone gives out a drunken cheer.

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

The away team is walking away from the shuttle, heading for their quarters. DOCTOR WHAT is dragging the duffel bag, grunting with the effort. GBW starts to put out a hand to help him, but DOCTOR WHAT whirls and snarls at him; GBW backs away hastily. OTHNIEL is briefly seen, covered with stitches and bandages, walking like a zombie. DIAMOND has a puzzled look on his face, which MATT notices.

MATT
What’s wrong?

DIAMOND
I keep thinking we’ve forgotten something.

MATT
Hey, we got porn, we got booze,
we got the whole team back.
What could we have forgotten?

DIAMOND
Not sure… something we were supposed to fix later…

INT. – INQUISITOR’S PALACE – TORTURE CHAMBER – DAY

The camera is tight on NAPOLEON XIV ’s face. He is obviously in the final stages of The Torture. He is laughing helplessly, his eyes are blank, and gooey brain gel is dribbling out of his ears.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MAIN SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

DIAMOND
(shakes head)
Oh, well, I’ll probably remember it later.

MATT
Sure. Anyway, we have something else
to consider now. Just how long should
we ban DAVE HOWERY from going
on away missions this time? I’m thinking a year.

DIAMOND
Sounds good to me.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey! That’s not fair! I didn’t start any trouble
this time! WEAPON M started the whole thing,
remember?! He was the one with the big finger
pointing at him! Right, guys?! Guys? GUYS?!

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT opens the door to his quarters. He stoops down and grabs the duffel bag with both hands and drags it into the room, shutting the door behind him.

HENDRYK comes into the scene and knocks on the door, only to hear

DOCTOR WHAT
“Go away! It’s mine! All mine!
My Precious, my Precious!
(A long pause)
OH! Precious!

HENDRYK shrugs and walks off.

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL END CREDITS.

TEASER

INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY

This particular section of the Ouroboros is dark and badly lit. The tables are old, wooden, and well marked with scratches and stains. Attractive waitresses of varying degree wander between the tables carrying pitchers of alcohol or trays of food.

DOCTOR WHAT sits across the table from a seedy STRANGER who doesn’t have all of his teeth. Both have empty beer pitchers. He’s clutching a package in his hands.

THE STRANGER
You plug this into your computer, and you’re
there. Do you have what you promised?

DOCTOR WHAT nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
Only the finest of “Lesbian Dominatrix
Decorators” for our informant.

He reaches into a satchel at his feet and withdraws some DVDs, wrapped in non-descript brown paper. The stranger is almost salivating. He shoves the ominous package across the table to DOCTOR WHAT and seizes the DVDs. He quickly scampers away from the table.

DOCTOR WHAT
That was easy.
(examines package, strokes goatee)
I wonder what they’ll think about this…

He puts some money on the table and rises to his feet. He withdraws his communicator from his pocket.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hello, KIT?
(listens a moment)
Yes, I know you’re busy.
Tell Bruce you’ll be back in no time.
(listens again)
Yes, you can bring the whip…

Little does he know that across the room, a dark-haired young man in a blue Hawaiian shirt watches and takes notes.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“CLASH OF CIVILIZATION”

Written by : MERRYPRANKSTER

ACT 1

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The wrappers of the ominous package sit on the floor. What was inside the package, an archaic-looking wood and metal contraption, is plugged into the main computer.

LEO CAESIUS
Looks to me like we’ve got an authentic
Nyab’gyza—

DAVE HOWERY
What’s that supposed to mean?

LEO CAESIUS
Oh, sorry. That’s the name of this device,
in a dialect of Old Syrian from a TL where…

DOCTOR WHAT
We get the point. What’s on it?

LEO CAESIUS
It looks like two sets of coordinates. One is a
fairly isolated Earth-like planet, while the
other is a set of coordinates on the planet’s surface.

DOCTOR WHAT
The man I got it from says there’s a treasure there.
Something to do with timeline-merging…

LEO CAESIUS
Holy…

DOCTOR WHAT
What?

LEO CAESIUS
I think we’ve just stumbled onto the location of a cache
of crosstime bombs

DAVE HOWERY
(raises eyebrow)
Will they be useful in conquering Canada?

LEO CAESIUS
(ignoring Dave)
When detonated at the juncture of two
timelines, they’re capable of merging characteristics
of them both. Think of them as a way of ISOTing
two worlds together.

DAVE HOWERY
Can we ISOT the Draka USA into OTL?
That way Canada…

DOCTOR WHAT
Not now Dave…

LEO CAESIUS
As we all know, we’re a bit
low on funds since our last
adventure…

DOCTOR WHAT
(moans)
Don’t remind me. The sign said
‘crosstime harem of
all the different analogues
of Jenna Jameson…’

LEO CAESIUS
Since we’re low on funds,
perhaps we can retrieve
the bombs and bring them
to the Hub. Ian has a bounty
on them…says they’re too
dangerous to leave lying about.

DOCTOR WHAT
All right. But do we have
to leave right now?
I’ve got a date with…

DAVE HOWERY
Recalling the crew back to the ship
to discuss this was your idea. Anyway,
we spent almost all of our money
bailing you out of that Turkish prison…

ABDUL HADI PASHA (O.C)
Your description of the Turkish prison sounds a lot
like anti-Ottoman propaganda. Are you
some kind of Armenian nationalist?

DOCTOR WHAT winces in pain, recalling terrible experiences…

DOCTOR WHAT
All right.

EXT. – THE HUB DOCKS – DAY

Tall towers rise in the foreground, along the exteriors of the towers are attached thousands upon thousands of ships of various designs. In the background you can see the glow of a sparkling city.

Pull in close to the towers you can see the AH.com ship. The AH.com ship disengages from the airlock and glides away. Moments later second ship, similar in design, trails after them.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A vortex opens and the AH.COM ship exits, moving into orbit about a planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The entire crew is gathered around a screen. They peer down on it with expressions ranging from puzzlement to dismay.

LEO CAESIUS
We seem to have arrived at
the right world. However,
I’m detecting some kind of
energy field that’s preventing
us from simply teleporting
down to the surface..

DOCTOR WHAT strokes his goatee.

DOCTOR WHAT
So this place is protected?

LEO CAESIUS
That would be the appropriate assumption.
The same energy field is also causing
some problems with our external sensors.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then let us proceed with caution.

DIAMOND
How else would we proceed?

DOCTOR WHAT
Willy nilly and inebriated?

DIAMOND
Oh, yeah.
(chuckles)

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Another vortex opens in space. The second ship exits and as we see it moving along, we see the name upon the vessel: COUNTERFACTUAL.NET

INT. – COUNTERFACTUAL.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room of the CF.NET is a disorganized mess, littered with trophies and items of interest picked up (or more accurately, stolen) from various TLs. But that does not prevent the crew from working quickly and efficiently, under the glare of one man.

Seated in a command chair in the center of the bridge is WARD. And man, is he pissed.

WARD
(voice monotone, but expression furious)
Damn it, someone needs to learn how to fly better!
That was not the smooth ride that I expect!
Next time I do not want to feel us entering
or exiting the vortex!

DUQUENSE looks back from his pilot’s berth.

DUQUENSE
It’s not my fault, Captain.

Ward gestures threateningly with his cane and Duquense trembles.

WARD
Get your head out of your ass boy!
Tell us what’s going on!

SCARECROW looks up from his console.

SCARECROW
As we entered this timeline the sensors
detected an energy field. That energy field
is currently mucking up our sensors and
nav systems. We’re at the right planet,
but we’re getting heavy interference in
all our keys systems … I’m not sure what’s
causing it, sir.

WARD
You’d best find out, wouldn’t you.

SCARECROW
(hesitantly)
The crosstime bombs
are probably protected.
It’s probably coming from that.

Ward nods curtly.

WARD
Draconis!

DRACONISNOIR enters. The two white eyes that emerge from the darkness of his hood are narrow.

DRACONISNOIR
Yes sir?

WARD
Prepare for battle.

DRACONISNOIR
(saluting)
Yes, sir!
(hurries out)

Ward sits back in his command chair and steeples his fingers, a savage grin on his face.

WARD
Bring the ship to the surface.

SCARECROW and DUQUENSE share worried looks, but they begin hitting buttons.

Fade to:

EXT. – A DESERT – DAY

The CF.NER Ship comes landing upon the surface, in a cloud of dust and a roar of engines.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER looks up from his console.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Umm…Captain Ward, sir.

WARD
Yes, boy?

MERRYPRANKSTER
We have company.

EXT. THE DESERT – DAY

A group of Bedouin, armed with a motley mix of old-school muskets, AK-47s, and futuristic weapons, have surrounded the ship. One of them is carrying a banner that suspiciously resembles the old Iraqi flag.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONROL ROOM – DAY

Ward narrows his eyes in thought.

WARD
Time to kick some ass.

Grins light up the faces of all the CFers.

EXT. THE DESERT – DAY

A door slides open and the CF crew, armed to the teeth, spill out.

DRACONISNOIR
Run, or I’ll flambe you and
dice you like roast duck!

The Bedouin, since they cannot speak English, don’t understand a thing. To their ultimate loss…

Ward’s .357 booms, knocking a Bedouin from his horse. DOMINUSNOVUS back flips over one Bedouin and whacks him upside the head with a nightstick. MERRYPRANKSTER, samurai sword in one hand and .45 caliber pistol in the other, cuts a swath through the main Bedouin formation.

The Bedouin are not without victories of their own. Two of them fire on DRACONISNOIR with energy weapons, slamming him against the hull of the ship. One Bedouin rears his horse, which knocks BULGAROKTONOS down with its hooves.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(shouting over the chaos)
Leave at least one alive, for information!

The battle concludes quickly, with the Bedouin withdrawing on horseback. The CFers, being on foot, cannot pursue. Several Bedouin lie dead on the ground. DRACONISNOIR moans from the side.

WARD
Any survivors?

DOMINUSNOVUS
Any women?

Everyone glares at him.

One of the Bedouin moans. Ward grins.

WARD
A prisoner. Excellent…

INT. – CF.NET INTERROGATION ROOM—DAY

The captured Bedouin is naked, forming the top of a human pyramid. Below him, GEDCA and DUQUENSE are not happy.

GEDCA
Why is it that WE have to do the
Abu Ghraib thing too?

WARD (O.C.)
Because you’ve pissed me off today.
At least I’m not showing you pictures of
my grandchildren. Yet.

The Bedouin shouts angrily at Ward. A wall-mounted COMPUTER translates…

COMPUTER
It took me awhile to figure out just what he was saying
—I’m unfamiliar with this dialect of Arabic—
but I think I’ve figured it out.

WARD (O.C.)
Then spit it out!

COMPUTER
He says that the Sheikh of
Sheikhs will come and crush
you, infidel dog!

WARD (O.C.)
That’s really creative.
Does this Sheikh have a name?

The computer says something in Arabic, and the Arab responds.

COMPUTER
HANK FLETCHER.

Ward looks intrigued.

WARD
One of the Fallen?
(grins)
Perhaps we can do business.
(gestures to the Arab)
Get his clothes back on, and tell him that
HANK FLETCHER will be getting a phone call from us.
We have something he might find interesting…

The computer speaks and the Arab gets down. He scuttles over to the corner where his robes are piled. Relieved, DUQUENSE and GEDCA rise to their feet.

WARD
Not yet. We still have the entire Abu Ghraib
photo album to re-enact…

EXT. – A BAZAAR – DAY

The AH.com crew walks down the street of a bustling Arab bazaar. From every street corner glowers the image of a Caucasian with an unusually thick, bristling mustache and a beret.

DOCTOR WHAT
That looks strangely familiar. I swear
I’ve seen that face before…

They pass by a door that has a sign in both English and Arabic that reads “Now Hiring. Good Pay.” Slowly, OTHNIEL drifts away from the group. As he approaches the door, two sets of huge HANDS reach out and grab him. He disappears into the doorway with a muffled squeak.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s interesting. The group looks a bit smaller…

Everyone looks around.

THE GROUP
(in unison)
OTHNIEL!

They dash into the door next to the “Now Hiring” sign.

INT. – A DIM ROOM – DAY

Two huge EUNUCHS hold OTHNIEL in place. A fat man, the HAREM KEEPER paces back and forth in front of him.

HAREM KEEPER
Very, very good. The Sheikh of Sheikhs
is in need of some to look after his harem…

OTHNIEL
(horrified)
A harem! No! ‘If a man looks at
a woman with lust in his heart…’

HAREM KEEPER
You can lust in your heart all you want,
but you won’t have anything to lust with…

The HAREM KEEPER pulls out a long, rusted scimitar from his belt.

Suddenly, the AH crew bursts in. DAVE HOWERY revs up his adamantium chain-saw and decapitates one of the eunuchs. The other eunuch grabs a wicked-looking axe from the wall and swings it at Dave. Dave raises his saw over his head and the axe disintegrates on contact with the whirling chain.

As OTHNIEL scrambles away, he’s set upon by STRAHA, who tries to push him back towards the surviving EUNUCH and the HAREM KEEPER.

STRAHA
You…destroyed…all…my…pot!

DOCTOR WHAT cuffs STRAHA.

DOCTOR WHAT
Not now!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN draws his derringer and revolver. The EUNUCH and the HAREM KEEPER flee the scene.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(to himself)
Damn, I’m bad.
(to Michael)
I don’t even know why we decided
to stop in this city in the first place.
We know where the damn bombs are…

MICHAEL
DOCTOR WHAT wanted to look for another
Jenna Jameson harem. As I said, that
makes no sense, but did anyone listen to me…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think we should get out of here.

MICHAEL
Way ahead of you.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN turns to see MICHAEL running away.

INT. CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

HANK FLETCHER’S face, the same face seen on the city’s posters, fills the primary view-screen in the center of the bridge. He isn’t happy.

HANK FLETCHER
I am well aware of what you
Zionists did to my people…

Ward raises an eyebrow.

WARD
Who said anything about Zionism?

HANK FLETCHER
Your people attacked my Arab brothers.
You are therefore Zionists, and must…

WARD
We’re getting off track. You’re well aware of
a time-distorting field of some kind located in
the north of this continent, a few kilometers away from
the grandiose statue of yourself?

HANK FLETCHER
Yes…

WARD
Well, we know what’s inside it…

HANK FLETCHER becomes flustered.

HANK FLETCHER
We have no WMD! We have kept all of
the treaties signed since the end of
hostilities…

WARD
(coolly)
We’d like to take what’s inside the time field
off your hands. That way, when the inspectors next come
calling…

HANK FLETCHER
This is a violation of the sovereign rights of the
Arab Republic of…

WARD
As you can see, we have plenty of
knick-knacks we’ve picked up
through all our various travels and…

HANK FLETCHER
There will be no negotiations with Zionists!

WARD
We have lots of interesting weaponry we could trade…

HANK FLETCHER is intrigued.

HANK FLETCHER
Tell me more…

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The AH.com crew scrambles up the gangplank of the ship, DOCTOR WHAT in the lead.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Initiate liftoff!

LEO CAESIUS (over com)
Why?

Wordlessly, DOCTOR WHAT gestures behind them.

An army detachment from the city they’d just “visited” is in pursuit. Dozens of T-72 tanks flying the Iraqi-like flag rumble behind them. Flanking the armored detachment are horsemen in flowing robes, shouting and singing in Arabic.

The ship begins to rise, with OTHNIEL and STRAHA left hanging on the end of the gangplank. STRAHA begins to swing himself into OTHNIEL, trying to knock him off.

STRAHA
Should leave you for the Ba’athists!
You trashed all my pot!

OTHNIEL
(panting)
It is for the good of your soul!
‘The body is the temple…’

A T-72 fires. The shell collides with the hull of the ship and STRAHA meanwhile falls from the gangway. He tumbles towards the desert floor when something stops his descent…

OTHNIEL. The young man has decided to “repay evil with good” and seized one of STRAHA’s hands with his own. However, this leaves him hanging from the gangway with only one hand. As the pair watch in horror, OTHNIEL’s hand starts to slip.

Just as OTHNIEL’s hand leaves the rim of the gangway, M. BARRY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN grab it. The two haul OTHNIEL and STRAHA up onto the gangway as more and more of the T-72s open fire.

Once STRAHA and OTHNIEL are safe, M. Barry steps inside and comes out with a Javelin anti-tank rocket launcher. He draws a bead on one of the T-72s and fires.

The T-72 explodes. Men waving white flags boil out of the two nearest tanks, but the others continue attacking.

The four retreat back into the ship and with a roar of engines, it flies away.

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – DESERT – DAY

Ward, flanked by ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS in his Soviet military uniform and MERRYPRANKSTER, talks with HANK FLETCHER, who is surrounded by a Bedouin HONOR GUARD. HANK FLETCHER is dressed in an olive-green military uniform, like many an Arab tyrant. To the left of the CF trio is a pallet loaded with various makes of artillery. In the distance lies a mountain surrounded by a shimmering energy field. The CF ship sits to the side…

WARD
(gesturing to an especially ominous weapon)
This weapon was tried and tested in the Yom Kippur War,
in a TL where the Arabs actually won.

HANK FLETCHER
They won? Has the Zionist entity been
driven into the Mediterranean?
Do Arabs rule from the River to the Sea?

WARD
Well, “win” is relative. The State of Israel
no longer exists, but Lebanon and Syria
are gone too, and Egypt is wracked by civil war. The
US is landing forces in the region to “preserve order.”

HANK FLETCHER
Then the Great Satan was the real winner! NOOOOOO!

MERRYPRANKSTER
We digress.

Ward shoots an angry glance at Merry for getting involved, but is glad to get back to negotiations.

WARD
In exchange for this weaponry, will you allow us access
to your stockpile? I’ve got some nice ideas in mind for
these crosstime bombs.

MERRYPRANKSTER
That sounds interesting. What do you have in mind?

WARD
Well, merging a Nazi-victorious TL and a maximum USSR TL
for starters. That’d be interesting to watch…

HANK FLETCHER thinks for a moment.

HANK FLETCHER
I heard that you have a pretty girl on your ship.

WARD
N-Red?

HANK FLETCHER
I’d really like to meet her.

WARD
Then can we get those bombs?

HANK FLETCHER
Sure.

HANK FLETCHER steps into the CF ship. MERRYPRANKSTER is the only one who isn’t at ease with this situation.

MERRYPRANKSTER
I don’t think this is a good idea.

A few minutes later, we hear a SCREAM and the sound of a crowbar connecting with someone’s head. HANK FLETCHER storms down the gangplank, clutching a big bruise on his face. Part of his mustache is hanging from his face and it’s obvious to all that the mustache is glued on.

HANK FLETCHER
You have a Zionist witch on board!

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Umm, Ha…

HANK FLETCHER
(glares at Romulus)
That’s “President for Life of the United Arab Republic” to you.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
She’s a lesbian.

HANK FLETCHER raises an eyebrow.

HANK FLETCHER
We’ll see if she is once she’s through with me…

MERRYPRANKSTER rolls his eyes.

MERRYPRANKSTER
This is going to get bitter and
twisted really fast.

Suddenly, the roar of engines echoes above them. Ward and HANK FLETCHER look up to see the AH.com ship hurtling overhead. As it approaches the energy field, it fires a series of electricity-wreathed missiles. The missiles strike the shield and tear a hole in it, enabling the ship to pass through.

HANK FLETCHER
Forget her. Get them!

HANK FLETCHER pulls a cellular phone out of his pocket and speaks a few Arabic commands. A door slides open in the rocks nearby.

HANK FLETCHER
We can meet them there.

Ward whistles to the others. Most of the CF crew streams down from the ship into the tunnel.

INT. AH.COM – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The bridge is in chaos. All of the crew hang onto some piece of equipment or another for dear life.

LEO CAESIUS
ETA to the location of the crosstime bombs is
two minutes.

DOCTOR WHAT looks sick.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why did I have to eat that falafel in the city?

EXT. THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The ship comes in for a landing on a flat stretch of ground near the entrance to a bunker. The crew spills out moments later…

DOCTOR WHAT
Are those people we passed
over the ones I think they are?

THANDE
I…think…it…was…the…CF.com…ship…

HENDRYK
Merde!

Dave rushes up to the bunker entrance and tries the door. It’s locked. Unperturbed, he whips out his chainsaw, spins it up, and rams it into the doorway.

DAVE HOWERY
On to Canada!

After a few seconds of painful metal-on-metal sounds, the door splits in half. The AH.com crew files inside.

INT. – A DARK TUNNEL – DAY

The AH crew rushes down the tunnel. As they make their way deeper into the mountain, DOCTOR WHAT notices various skeletons lying around.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

OTHNIEL trips a level and the ceiling opens up behind them. An enormous BOULDER comes tumbling down.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh shit.

The crew RUNS, the boulder barreling behind them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thande! Try something with those chemicals of yours!

As he runs, Thande reaches into his breast pocket, seizes two tubes of chemicals, and hurls them at the boulder. Nothing happens.

THANDE
Damn…it. Not…reactive enough!

He seizes two more chemical tubes and throws them. Same result. Finally, exasperated, he seizes all of the remaining chemical tubes on his person and hurls them at the rock behind them.

EXT. – THE MOUNTAIN – DAY

Something thunders inside the mountain, and it shakes.

INT. – THE TUNNEL – DAY

Everyone is on the ground, covered in dust. DOCTOR WHAT is the first to raise his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Anyone else alive?

There’s a chorus of affirmatives from the other crew members. DOCTOR WHAT rises to his feet and dusts himself off.

INT. A VAST CAVERN – DAY

The AH and CF crews emerge from tunnels at the opposite ends of a vast rock cave. The object of everyone’s quest, a pile of munitions marked with the symbol of the Ouroboros, sits on a pallet in the center. Both sides glare at each other before they realize they have a problem.

Someone else has gotten there first. MIKE COLLINS and MOLOBO. MIKE COLLINS, most terrible of the Fallen, looks vaguely like Agent Smith, while MOLOBO is smaller in stature and presence, clearly the lackey.

MIKE COLLINS
To have come so far,
only to fail at the last second
(shakes head)
Ian-lovers always fail.

MOLOBO foams at the mouth.

MOLOBO
For Poland!

Everyone opens fire on the pair of Fallen, but with a gesture, MIKE COLLINS swats away their bullets. A second gesture sends everyone flying. The gestures reveal that MIKE COLLINS is wearing some strange metallic gauntlets on his hands.

On the ground, Ward turns to Hank Fletcher.

WARD
(angry)
Do you have anything to do with this?

Before Hank can reply, MIKE COLLINS begins to speak.

MIKE COLLINS
No he does not. While you people were
navigating dark tunnels and dodging traps,
I and my apprentice here simply dropped
in through a convenient air duct
(gestures to the ceiling)
We could have been long gone
with these lovely bombs by now, but
we just wanted to see the looks on your faces.

WARD
And what do you plan on doing with these weapons?

MIKE COLLINS
I have a score to settle with Ian.
The unobtanium in one of those
bombs will be quite helpful for
perfecting my new abilities
(gestures to his gauntlets)
A few of these bombs, at the Hub,
will certainly shake the son of a bitch up a bit.

Everyone gasps in horror.

OTHNIEL
But that will destroy the Multiverse!

MIKE COLLINS shrugs.

MIKE COLLINS
Perhaps, perhaps not. It depends
on how much of the Hub survives.
However, both ways, Ian is dead and
my problems are solved.

MICHAEL
But you’ll die if the Multiverse falls!
That makes no sense!

MIKE COLLINS shrugs.

MIKE COLLINS
But I will die knowing that Ian is dead too.
As our fat pothead friend
(gestures to Straha)
was so fond of saying, it will be Armageddon!
Mwahahahahahahaha!

MIKE COLLINS’ evil laughter continues for a few minutes. While he’s laughing, DAVE HOWERY is reaching for his chain-saw. In a lightning-quick move, he hurls it at MIKE COLLINS.

MIKE COLLINS frantically shields his face with an arm. The chain-saw strikes one of his gauntlets and bounces off. The lights on the gauntlet dims and sparks fly from it. The force of the collision cracks MIKE COLLINS’ glasses.

MIKE COLLINS
(slowly removing glasses)
I will enjoy watching you die, Mr. Howery.

He lashes out with his powers, but with his second gauntlet damaged, he isn’t quite fast enough. David dodges to the side and retrieves his adamantium chainsaw.

With MIKE COLLINS clearly weakened, everyone grabs their guns again and opens fire on everyone else. In the midst of the chaos, HENDRYK approaches MIKE COLLINS from behind. The chief of the Fallen, currently struggling hand-to-hand with Dave, is unaware of his presence. HENDRYK points his knock-off Mauser at MIKE COLLINS’s head.

HENDRYK
Prepare to die, neo-con imperialist.

Suddenly, the rabid MOLOBO appears behind him.

MOLOBO
You forgot Poland!

MOLOBO then sinks his teeth into HENDRYK’s shoulder. HENDRYK drops his gun and the two of them struggle.

Other one-on-one fights have broken out. BULGAROKTONOSfaces off against DIAMOND, while MERRYPRANKSTER duels GBW. However, all pale before the epic wrestling match between MIKE COLLINS and DAVE HOWERY.

MIKE COLLINS
You! Of all of Ian’s simpering slaves,
you were the one most like me!
Why do you, American imperialist like
myself, insist on sporting with these fools?

DAVE HOWERY
Well, for starters I’m not evil…

Dave kicks MIKE COLLINS in the groin. As the Fallen stumbles to the ground, his damaged gauntlet hits the floor and sparks back to life again. An evil grin crosses his face as, with a sweeping gesture, he knocks everyone else to the floor, reserving the hardest whack for Dave.

DAVE HOWERY
(pained whisper)
Well, that certainly sucked…

However, his voice is soon drowned out by the epic rage of the Fallen.

MIKE COLLINS
Fools! You have distracted me and
my apprentice long enough!
Come, MOLOBO!

MOLOBO climbs off HENDRYK and rushes to his master’s side. The crosstime bombs rise from the pallet, forming a line heading straight up into the ventilation duct the two Fallen used to gain entrance to the cave. One by one, they disappear into the ceiling. MIKE COLLINS gestures and MOLOBO rises up with them.

The survivors of the battle (for the sake of the plot, the only ones who actually died were Hank’s honor guard) groan and begin rising to their feet.

MIKE COLLINS
How does it feel to know you’ve
just got your collective asses kick?

He vanishes into the air shaft, his laughter echoing. Ward is the first one to recover his senses and try to organize things.

WARD
CFers, assemble! Get the bastard!
Or else I’ll show every single one of you
pictures of my grandchildren!

The CFers immediately rush out the other tunnel.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think we ought to get out of here…
(a beat)
Guys?

DOCTOR WHAT turns around to see everyone already rushing out of the cavern.

EXT. – THE SURFACE – DAY

The AH crew spills out of the tunnel and hastily boards their ship. As soon as the last person is aboard, DOCTOR WHAT begins barking orders to Leo.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Get us the hell
out of here right now!

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, Captain.

The ship lurches into the air. Above it, a small, unidentified craft passes overhead. DAVE HOWERY suddenly realizes what it is.

DAVE HOWERY
It’s MIKE COLLINS and MOLOBO.
Shoot it down!

The AH ship fires several missiles. The munitions streak towards the Fallen ship and everyone crosses their fingers.

Point-defense lasers suddenly erupt from the hull and scythe the missiles from the sky.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it! Fire the nuke!

LEO CAESIUS
I think that would be unwise. There’re
several unidentified flying objects
approaching. They look to be
1970s-80s era warplanes.

MATT understands.

MATT
Hank’s air force.

EXT. – THE AH SHIP – DAY

As the AH ship pursues MIKE COLLINS’s smaller vessel, several MiG-25s fall into formation behind it. Each of them fires several missiles.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK settles into his pilot’s seat. DOCTOR WHAT is frantic.

DOCTOR WHAT
Evasive action! Evasive action!

IronYuppie sidles up to Landshark.

IRONYUPPIE
If we survive, I’ll do that thing you like…

A goofy grin sprawls across Landshark’s face.

LANDSHARK
(dreamily)
You’ll let me use a

Safe word, this time?

IRONYUPPIE cuffs Landshark on the side of the head.

IRONYUPPIE
We have to survive first.

LEO CAESIUS
Point defense system active.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

Lasers scythe from the AH ship, dropping two missiles. However, there’re still five more to deal with and the MiGs are deploying their cannon. Bullets sprang against the hull.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The bridge shakes. Everyone has grabbed onto something for dear life. OTNIEL is praying. STRAHA reaches for something in his pocket and suddenly grins. He pulls out a small pinch of marijuana.

STRAHA
(dreamily)
Oh, sweet Mary Jane…

Inspiration glints in Landshark’s eyes.

LANDSHARK
Let’s hope this works…

He twists the steering wheel all the way around.

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The ship goes into a steep spinning dive towards a canyon below. Two of the missiles lose their locks and fly harmlessly away. Three of the missiles and all of the MiGs follow.

INT. – THE CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Landshark continues spinning the ship.

LANDSHARK
Leo! Use the weapons! Kill them!

LEO CAESIUS
Will do.

EXT. – THE AH.COM SHIP – DAY

Missiles erupt from the rear of the vessel. The MiG formation breaks up to avoid the attack, but two of MiGs are hit. Their flaming carcasses fall towards the canyon floor.

EXT. – THE CANYON FLOOR – DAY

MELVIN LOH,and MACSPORAN are sitting around a campfire over which a whole sheep roasts.

MACSPORAN
(comically-exaggerated Australian accent)
I hear that somewhere, someone has actually started
worshipping these humble creatures.

MELVIN LOH
(even thicker Australian accent)
Really?

MACSPORAN
Aye. I thought not even pommies would
do such a thing, but…

Both of them are suddenly obliterated by the falling MiGs.

EXT. – THE CF SHIP – DAY

The CF.net ship hovers aloofly above the fray.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Everyone is at battle stations. Their various trophies and stolen goods are pushed into corners. Ward looks supremely military in his command chair. Only MERRYPRANKSTER seems concerned about the battle below.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Captain Ward, sir, don’t you think we ought to…

WARD
Help them? Get your head out of your ass, boy.
They’ve ruined our fun plenty of times.

MERRYPRANKSTER
If MIKE COLLINS attacks the Hub-

WARD
(curtly)
Is Ian’s problem, not ours.
Infact…

Ward looks to the main viewscreen.

WARD
Grimm, arm all particle cannons.
Fire on that damn ship.
Maybe we’ll get lucky.

Grimm Reaper grins and hops before the weapons control

EXT. – CF. NET SHIP – DAY

ANGLE view of CF.NET ship, far below it we can see the small shape of the plummeting AH.COM ship.

Bursts of light suddenly lance out of the CF.NET ship.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room is a mess as everyone clings to surfaces. Monitors are flickering off and on, smoke fills the room, and the Control Room rocks under the pounding they’re getting from the CF.NET ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Status!

GBW
We’re getting our asses kicked!
Shields nearly gone!
We’re running out of maneuvering room!

DIAMOND
Oh, god! We’re gonna die!
(begins screaming)

DOCTOR WHAT
When can we get out of here?

LEO CAESIUS
Right now, actually.

DOCTOR WHAT is aghast.

DOCTOR WHAT
When could we have gotten out of here?

LEO CAESIUS
Anytime, really.

DOCTOR WHAT is now really pissed off.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then why didn’t you get us out of here before?

LEO CAESIUS
You never asked. Besides,
this whole exercise was quite fun.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get us the hell out of here!
NOW!

LANDSHARK
Right on it!

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

A vortex appears before the ship and then manage to slip into as lances of energy rain around them.

EXT. – CF.NET SHIP – DAY

The CF.Net ship continues to pound the area. Then they stop. A moment later a vortex also opens before them and they too vanish.

TAG

INT. AH.COM SHIP – DAY

Darkness, then a flickering of light. Dim light soon fills the smoky interior of the trashed Control Room. Crewmembers are picking themselves up off the floor.

DOCTOR WHAT
Are we still alive?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes.

LANDSHARK
Whoop-dee-fucking- doo.

MATT
We just got our asses kicked.
Majorly.

Everyone nods.

DAVE HOWERY (over com)
Guys?
We’ve taken a major pounding down here.
Ship’s not going anywhere for a while.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to Dave)
How long?

DAVE HOWERY (OC)
I don’t know. Days maybe?
A lot of systems are trashed.
We got our asses handed to us, hardcore.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Tell me something I don’t know.
(turns off com)

DIAMOND
What now?

DOCTOR WHAT
Nothing.
We lost.
MIKE COLLINS’s got the bombs.
Ward just kicked our asses.
Our ship’s trashed…
(a beat)
I’m going to get drunk.

Doctor What wanders out of the Control Room, a moment later everyone follows.

DIAMOND
Man, this mission sucked

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL END CREDITS.