AH.com: The Series

TEASER

INT. – COUNTERFACTUAL.NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY

We hear panting and oddly the sound of boots pounding unevenly upon the decks.

We pan down a corridor and see three beams of lights flashing about wildly.

We see it’s GEDCA, FEDERATION X, and FORTYSEVEN. They seem to be bounding about down the corridor in giant leaps.

FEDERATION X crashes into a bulkhead, bounces off of it, hits the deck and bounces up toward the ceiling.

GEDCA and FORTYSEVEN stop and watch, as they do, they begin to rise off the deck. They frantically look about.

GEDCA
Damn, the gravity’s going!

FEDERATION X
Help!
(scrabbles to clutch onto something)

GEDCA
Fortyseven, grab him.
We need to get to engineering!

FORTYSEVEN
I.. I think I can’t…

Pan to FORTYSEVEN and we see him floating in a gentle rotation, he attempts a swimming motion, but doesn’t move.

FORTYSEVEN
Look, it looks like I’m flying.

FEDERATION X
Awesome.
Watch me-

GEDCA
We don’t have time for this!
We’re in the middle of a battle
and we don’t have power.
To anything!

Suddenly the comm unit crackles.

GRIMM REAPER (on comm)
Engineers! You there?

GEDCA
Yes sir!
We’re getting the problem fixed, sir!

GRIMM REAPER (on comm)
You’ve got two minutes or else I’ll have to come
down there and show you how rough
I can be with my scythe. Got it, kid?

GEDCA
(gulping)
Yes, sir…

GRIMM REAPER (on comm)
Good, good. Now bring
me a cup of hot chocolate.

GEDCA
Hot chocolate, sir?

GRIMM REAPER (on comm)
You heard me.

GEDCA
Uh, sir. I think we have bigger problems than that.

GRIMM REAPER (on comm)
I don’t want to hear your blubbering of incompetence!
I wan-

WARD (on comm)
Damn it, Grimm.
We need that little bastard to get the engines back on line.
Afterward, you can do what you want with him.

GRIMM REAPER (on comm)
Heh. Anything?

WARD (on comm)
As long as it doesn’t leave him permanently maimed.

GRIMM REAPER (on comm)
Damn.

GEDCA
Can I get back to what I was gonna do, sir?

WARD (on comm)
Get your ass back to work, boy.
Or I’ll feed you to Pumpkin.

GRIMM REAPER (on comm)
(horrified)
But that would ruin Pumpkin’s diet!

GEDCA
Getting back to work, sir!

Comm clicks off.

GEDCA
Well, we need to flip that circuit breaker and stoke the shift engines.
Fed, you get ready to get the engines started.
(points to door marked ENGINEERING)
I’ll flip the circuit breaker with Forty.
(Points down a long long corridor)

FEDERATION X
Got it.
(floats off)

FORTYSEVEN
But why do we need two to flip the breaker.
It’s not that big..

GEDCA
Because we’re short on time.

FORTYSEVEN
I don’t get it…

GEDCA pulls out a gun and grabs FORTYSEVEN.

GEDCA
This’ll be fun…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

COUNTERFACTUAL

“BATTLES”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – CF. NET – CORRIDOR– NIGHT

BANG!

BANG!

FORTYSEVEN
AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

GEDCA
WHOOO-HOOOOO!!!!

We see GEDCA and FORTYSEVEN flying down the corridor, FORTYSEVEN take a spot in front of GEDCA.

They speed toward a large door marked: ENGINEERING: BREAKER ROOM.

FORTYSEVEN
Aw, crap!

BONK!

FORTYSEVEN smashes into the door, while GEDCA manages to use him as a cushion. He slaps a panel and the heavy door slides open.

GEDCA grins and enters the room.

INT. – CF. NET – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

WARD sits in his chair, watching as coffee cup slowly floats by. He adjusts the seat belt he’s wearing. GRIMM REAPER stands beside him, a glimmer of light reflected off his scythe, he looks bored.

There’s a crackle of static.

WARD
What is that?

FAEELIN
I think it’s the shortwave radio.
It runs off batteries.
(pulls out a flashlight)
I think we’re getting a message.

WARD
On comm.

FAEELIN
Umm.. comm’s off, sir.
You’ll have to talk into this.
(hands him microphone)

WARD
This is Ward.

VOICE
(static)
This is Reynolds.
I see your ship has suffered damage.

WARD
Unfortunately, the bastards have something
that knocked out our electrical systems.

REYNOLDS
Well, no worries, sir.
We’re coming to the rescue.

WARD
Don’t be damned stupid.
Leave us be.
We’ll take care of ourselves.

REYNOLDS
(static)
Sorry, sir? Didn’t catch that.

WARD
Damn it! I said-

FAEELIN
They’ve cut communications, sir.

GRIMM REAPER
Insubordinate, ain’t he?

WARD
He’s a damned idiot.

GRIMM REAPER
Well, at least we won’t die.

WARD
He should be attacking the Bastards.

GRIMM REAPER
But, he’s giving his life to save mine.

WARD
Ours.

GRIMM REAPER
Right, sir.

INT. – CF. NET – BREAKER ROOM – NIGHT

GEDCA floats toward a large yellow painted panel. He pulls off the cover and behind it is a large restart button.

GEDCA rubs his hands together and his the button.

Nothing.

GEDCA
What the hell?

WARD (on comm)
Gedca, what is going on?
We need the power back on.

GEDCA
Uh…uh…uh…
(terrified)
Sir. It’s not responding.

GEDCA begins frantically flipping switches and hitting buttons. Nothing happens.

WARD
What do you mean it’s not responding.
We can’t have it not respond.
We’re dead in the damned water here, boy!
In the middle of a god damned battle!
Get it friggin’ working or you’ll see what
space feels without a friggin’ suit!

GEDCA
I’m… I’m trying sir.
I think it may be something more than a blown fuse.
We’ve got gravity working and life support, but weapons,
shields, propulsion, they’re not coming back online.

WARD
I don’t give a damn what it is, just
get the damned thing working, got it?

GEDCA
I’m on it, sir.
I’m on it…

GEDCA bangs on the computer console in frustration.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

WARD and GRIMM REAPER are whispering a conversation.

GRIMM REAPER
I think we’re in some deep shit, sir.

WARD
(long thoughtful pause)
I think you’re right.
But you know the standard operating procedure
when we’re in deep shit, right?

GRIMM REAPER
Screaming and trying not to get it in the mouth?

WARD
The other one.

GRIMM REAPER
Oh, you mean shoot everything and anything
until they bring you down.

WARD
Yeah. Go out in a blaze of murderous mayhem.

GRIMM REAPER
Excellent sir.
I’ll inform the cannon fodder they’re all gonna die.

WARD
Make sure to make it sound heroic.

GRIMM REAPER
Don’t I always, sir?

WARD
No. No you don’t.

GRIMM REAPER
Well… It’s just I don’t like them and
wish great harm upon their persons.

WARD
I know, Grimm. I know…

GRIMM REAPER
(sighs)
Well, I’ll break it to them gently.

WARD
Hold on a moment there, Grimm.

GRIMM REAPER
(sighs)
I’m sensing you’re gonna take my fun away from me.

WARD
We still got those canons we took
off that derelict shift super carrier?

GRIMM REAPER
(nods)
I think so. Gedca hadn’t gotten around to
integrating them into our systems yet.

WARD
(grins)
I think it’s time we got these slackers to work.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

MIDGARD, ROMULUS AGUSTULUS, DOMINUSNOVUS, FAEELIN, DARKSLAVIK, BULARKOTONOS, and GRIMM REAPER are seen pushing large devices down a corridor. There are two men per machine and GRIMM REAPER paces behind them, a cat of nine tails in his hands.

GRIMM REAPER
Move it!
Move it!
Move it!

Crack of whip.

BULGARKOTONOS
Shit, does he have to keep hitting me?

MIDGARD
He just hates your guts.
Don’t worry about –arrrgh!

GRIMM REAPER
Quit talking!
Move it!

CREW
Yes sir!

GRIMM REAPER
Heave!

CREW
Ho!

GRIMM REAPER
Heave!

CREW
Ho!

INT. –CF.NET SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY– NIGHT

GEDCA spreads out a diagram on a cleared space. He and FEDERATION X pore over it with flashlights.

GEDCA
We’ve reset everything. we’ve pulled out parts that
could technically possibly be affected by that blast,
but damned if I know why the ship’s not up and running.

FEDERATION X
Maybe there’s some kind of residual
energy causing the systems to fail.

GEDCA
Don’t’ be stupid, energy doesn’t leave residues behind.

FEDERATION X
It happened in Star Trek.

GEDCA
(thoughtful)
Well…
(shakes head)
No.

FEDERATION X
I got it!

GEDCA
What?

FEDERATION X
It’s those safety equipment.
The one that Ward had us install after the core nearly went critical
when we got hit by that plasma bombardment from that one ship
that one time. They allow for the critical systems, gravity and
life support to continue to function, but shut down the others,
propulsion, weapons, shields, communications, and sensors.
The main energy hogs.

GEDCA
You may be right…

FEDERATION X
I am right!

GEDCA
Now…
(looks at a large metallic box)
We just have to find a way to open it…

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

WARD
Situation.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Still no power to main combat systems, sir.

WARD
Any word from out saviors?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Sorry, sir.
We don’t have outside communications.

WARD sighs, tapping the armrest of his command chair.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – NIGHT

We see the CFers push the large devices onto the cargo ramp of three shuttles. They are all wearing spacesuits and wrapping chains around the devices.

GRIMM REAPER
Well, hopefully this’ll work.
They were designed for this.
Most likely you’ll all die, I won’t because I’m important and
that means I get to survive. Most of you are expendable, especially
you, Romulus. You hear me? Until the grease monkeys can get
the ship up and running again, we’re gonna go on a little joy ride.
Now pick a shuttle and hang on tight, you fall out. We’ll forget
you were ever apart of the crew and divide up your belongings
after I’ve taken the more valuable stuff from it first. Got it?

CREW
Yes, sir!

DARK SLAVIK
I am a creator of genetic abominations, sir!
I am not a goon to go out and shoot things.
I have my work!
My glorious sickening work!

GRIMM REAPER
Shut up.
You’ll do as I say or you’ll be fired across the bow
of one of those cavemen’s ship to make them see
we’re not afraid of killing our own, therefore we
are definitely not afraid of killing them.

MIDGARD
You think they’ll understand the
subtext of that action, sir?

GRIMM REAPER
No. they have thick brows, that means
they have limited intelligence.
All subtlety is lost on them.

BULGARKOTONOS
(touches brow and hangs head in shame)
He’s right…

The crew clamor onto the carious shuttles. The shuttle pod bay doors barely slide open, jetting out the last remaining air from the bay then the shuttle shoot out.

GRIMM REAPER (over radio)
Shoot anything that comes near the ship.
Except for those on our side.
You can graze them.

MERRYPRANKSTER (over radio)
Good hunting, gentlemen.

GRIMM REAPER (over radio)
Shut up, Merry.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

We see the three shuttles flying out of the CF.net ship, they move into a wedge formation.

Pull out and we see several grey and white ships surrounding the CF.net ship, they’re all taking a pounding as the Neanderthal fleet converges upon them.

Pull even more and we see the Flagship PONTER moving lazily toward the planet.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – NIGHT

Neanderthals are hustling about, in the middle of the chaos is a heavily pregnant ATTA and standing beside her is ADIKOR.

ADIKOR
I had thought you would want to do
the killing stroke upon the CF.net, Mistress.

ATTA
It would be a pleasure to see the face of Ward as he dies, but this is
not the battle we came for. We are here to destroy humanity, as they .
nearly destroyed us. Let the captains and the men and women of the
fleet, those that had lived under the fear for years that Ward would
find their worlds and destroy them, have he pleasure of destroying
him and his cursed ship. It is similar to when soldiers of the Empire
are trained, when one soldier is picked from a squad and his squad
mates gather around and kill him. The group killing of that unlucky
solider solidifies their bond with one another. They killed the Destroyer,
they killed the man who lead the forces of weak humanity and burned
our Homeworld. It is revenge and it is a bonding that will transcend
mere loyalty, once this is over, once he is dead, then these captains
will be mine. Not merely loyal to me, but mine heart and soul. If we
kill him, then it will only be another use of the stolen technology to
get what we want from the Empire.

ADIKOR
So we destroy the planet while the rest of the human fleet
foolishly tries to save their beloved Destroyer?

ATTA
Exactly.

ADIKOR
You are most wise, Mistress.

ATTA
Of course I am.
Now, I have to go pee.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

We pull in on a shuttle, it’s cargo hold open and the snout of a cannon sticking out.

GRIMM REAPER (voice over)
Looks like the Fleet’s taking a pounding.
(pause)
Oooo, pretty explosions.

WARD (VO)
Mind on the attack, Grimm.
Take some pressure off those ships.

GRIMM REAPER (VO)
They just have to die heroically to save our hides don’t they?
Not that I’m complaining, I like my hide intact and
well moisturized, but this makes no tactical sense at all.

WARD (VO)
Misguided sense of loyalty to the guy who saved the world
from ravaging murderous asshats from another universe.
Damned brave fools.

GRIMM REAPER (VO)
I wish all the worlds we went to had this same reaction.

WARD (VO)
They probably would, if we didn’t immediately begin attacking t
hem or pillaging them for tech, supplies, and the such things.

GRIMM REAPER (VO)
Well, that’s the fun part.

WARD (VO)
Keep pressure off the other ships. We’ll be getting up and
running soon enough, either that of you can fire Gedca
from one of those cannons.

GRIMM REAPER (VO)
Oooo….

Pull out.

We see GRIMM REAPER’s shuttle shoot toward the larger black ships of the Neanderthals, the other two shuttles taking up position behind him.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS (VO)
This is Fox Trot Charlie to Red Leader,
commencing attack run.

GRIMM REAPER (VO)
Someone, please shoot him.

MIDGARD (VO)
On it sir!

FADE OUT

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – NIGHT

GEDCA and FEDERATION X are using a pair of sledgehammers to open a metal control box.

GEDCA
Come on, damn it!

FEDERATION X
My arms hurt.

GEDCA
Keep at it.
It’s bound to give…

CLANK!

The metal casing falls off, FEDERATION X swings wildly and smashes the sledgehammer on his foot. He drops to the floor screaming.

FEDERATION X
My Toes!

GEDCA ignores him and begins pulling out wires and other electronic equipment.

GEDCA
This is why I don’t like safety equipment on my stuff.
When you need something to push to the utter limits
and beyond what they are capable of, the friggin’
safety features refuse to let you do it.
(yanks at a cord that showers him with sparks)
Alright that should do it.
Fed, hit the restart button and we’ll see what happens.

FEDERATION X
My toes!

GEDCA
Oh, geez.
(gets up)
Must you complain about every little scrap you suffer?

FEDERATION X
My toes!

GEDCA hits a big red button, it lights up for a moment and then suddenly the roar of the engines fills the room. Light flickers back on, computer consoles light up, and showers of shorted wires spark and flash.

GEDCA
(grinning)
Damn, I’m good.

FEDERATION X
My toes!

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

Lights come back on and the computers beginning lighting up.

SCARECROW
All systems, coming back on line, sir.

WARD
(nodding)
Open comm to the shuttles

MERRYPRANKSTER
Comm open.

WARD
Grimm, time to do a culling on the cavemen.
We’ll get you out.

GRIMM REAPER (on comm)
Understood.

WARD
Fortyseven, get to your station.

FORTYSEVEN (on comm)
Getting there, sir!

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

We see the shuttles, lobbing out what seems like slow moving balls of energy, that shred and tear up the hulls of ships as they hit, they move quickly, spreading out and each heading directly toward a large Neanderthal ship.

GRIMM REAPER (VO)
I like war.

We see each of the shuttle smash into the Neanderthal ships. There’s a enormous flash and explosion, the three ships vanish in a cloud of debris, damaging surrounding Neanderthal ships, and relieving several Unity ships that are being hammered.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER and FAEELIN enter the Control Room,

GRIMM REAPER
Well, sir. That was fun.

WARD
Strap yourselves in boys, we’re going for a ride.
Contract Reynolds.

FAEELIN
On it, sir.
On screen.

REYNOLDS
Damned good to see your ship up and running, sir.
I think we might need some help dusting these thick brows
off our ships. They do seem fairly thick on the ground.

WARD
Appreciate the making sure we weren’t
destroyed by the cavemen, Reyonlds.
Get your ships reformed and ready to make a
counter attack. We’ll show them what the Unity is made of.

REYNOLDS
(grinning)
Yes sir!

WARD
Ward out.
(to Grimm)
So what do you think our chances are now?

GRIMM REAPER
If we don’t get hit by that beam again, I’d be fairly
certain we’d get out of this with only ten years
worth of damage to our ship.

WARD
Always the pessimist.

GRIMM REAPER
I learned from the best, sir.

WARD
Scarecrow, plot heading..
332.2 by 235.1 by 558.

SCARECROW
Got it, sir.
(a beat)
Uh, that takes us right into the thick of things, sir.

GRIMM REAPER
(grinning)
Oh, ignoring ten thousand years of military tactic, sir?

WARD
(smiles)
Power up main cannon.
(Grimm giggles)
Fire on my mark.
(long pause)
Mark!

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

Pull out.

We see the scores of Neanderthal ships swarming the Unity Fleet and the CF.net ship.

There’s a brilliant flash.

All white.

The screen fades out of white.

We see a ragged line sliced through the swarm of ships.

Pull in on a Neanderthal ship, it’s broken, torn, and spewing debris and fire, then it silently explodes.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

Tight on GRIMM REAPER.

GRIMM REAPER
(dreamy expression)
God, I love that weapon.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

The CF.net powers forward, it’s particle cannons slashing at everything around it, missiles and torpedoes flash out, slamming into ships. The Unity Fleet begins to gather, firing and fending off the Neanderthals that are becoming frayed and chaotic as the CF.net attacks them.

The CF.net tears the hole in the Neanderthal line bigger, the ship flies forward clearing the chaos of the battle. It then turns around and plunges back in, firing all weapons and missiles.

The Unity fleet manages to gather into a wedge, the CF.net tears the outer fringe of the ships, slashing and destroying the Neanderthal ships.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – NIGHT

CREWMAN
Mistress, preparing to fire main cannon.

ATTA
Excellent.

ADIKOR
Mistress!
The CF.net has regained power.
It’s attacking the fleet!

ATTA
What?

ADIKOR
The Invasion fleet is beginning to unravel.

ATTA
Those ships will not be able to fight off the CF.net.
(glares at the view screen)
Turn the ship around!
Prepare to fire the main cannon!

CREWMAN
Yes, Mistress.
Inputting new course heading…

ATTA
I should have destroyed Ward myself.
That man is a tricky one.

ADIKOR
Will his ship be able to defeat the fleet on it’s own?

ATTA
Unlikely, but combined with the human fleet,
they would tear at our fleet and leave us too
weak to do anything afterward. Command all
captains to descend upon the CF.net, it must
be destroyed!

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

MERRYPRANKSTER
Sir, looks like all the Neanderthals have
decided that we have to be destroyed first.
All ships heading toward us.

GRIMM REAPER
It seems we are popular tonight.

WARD
It’s the size of our cannon, Grimm.

GRIMM REAPER
(grins)
I’ve always heard that it’s not the size of your
cannon that matters, but how you use it.

The ship suddenly rocks.

WARD
The hell was that?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Sir, the Neanderthal Flagship is attacking.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

We see the PONTER plowing forward, several Unity ships fire upon it, but are riddled with particle cannon fire. The scattered and chaotic Neanderthal ships begin for reform behind it.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

REYNOLDS
Jesus, sir. What the hell is that thing?

WARD
Just some crazy bitch obsessed with revenge.
I’ll take care of it, you reform and get your ships ready.

REYNOLDS
(hesitant)
Got it, sir.

REYNOLDS cuts communication.

GRIMM REAPER
What’s the plan sir?

WARD
We shoot at it.

GRIMM REAPER
Tactical Genius, sir.

WARD
Let’s just see who’s cannon’s bigger, eh?

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – NIGHT

ADIKOR
The CF.net ship is coming forward.
Cannon range in a minute.

ATTA
Excellent. Ward thinks he can take us on?
The fool. He and his damned planet will be nothing
but a memory by the time this day is over!

The crew cheers.

ATTA
Prepare to fire on my signal.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – ENGINEERING TUNNEL – NIGHT

THUNK!

The noise echoes down a long dark tunnel, we see a flash of light coming from what looks like a small lantern. We pull in on a figure with a hammer and a chisel. It’s KILNGIRL and she’s standing before a heavy duty blast door.

Delicately she pries a control panel open with the hammer and chisel. It open and she is faced with a lot of wires and circuits.

KILNGIRL pauses, then shrugs. She pulls out her handgun and aims.

BANG!

The shot ears up the electronic equipment. There’s a click and KILNGIRL walks to the blast door.

She shove the chisel into the bottom of the door, and uses it to pry a small opening.

KILNGIRL
Man, this is a lot of work.
(sighs)
Shouldn’t have killed Daklar just yet.

She pries the opening wider and crouches before it, slipping her fingers in the small opening.

KILNGIRL
One.
Two.
Three..
(lets out a grunt)

Straining and grunting, KILNGIRL pulls up the blast door enough so that she can crawl underneath it.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – MACHINE ROOM – CONTINUING

KILNGIRL rises to her feet, looking around

Surrounding her are machinery, lit up and chugging away.

She grins.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

WARD
Scarecrow, be ready to begin evasive maneuvers if there’s
a slightest hint that they’re gonna fire their cannon. Faeelin
tell Reynolds to hold back the fleet until we’ve got a handle
of this ship.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – MACHINE ROOM – NIGHT

KILNGIRL stands before what appears to be scores of glowing red tubes connected to several machines. The tubes run across the room, hooked to a variety of machines and head out through another set of machines.

KILNGIRL pauses contemplating this.

KILNGIRL
You’d be surprised how delicate the most
dangerous cannon in the multiverse is

KILNGIRL begins smashing the tubes.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – NIGHT

ATTA
Fire main cannon!

ADIKOR hits the firing button with some bit of glee.

Nothing happens.

ATTA
Fire!

ADIKOR
It’s not responding.

Suddenly a beeping noise comes on.

ADIKOR
The main cannon is down.

ATTA
Then fix it!

ADIKOR
The CF.net is in firing rnge.

ATTA
Brace for impact!

ADIKOR
They are firing!

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER
Firing main cannons.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

The CF.net fires.

The PONTER is hit, it’s shields flash and flare.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

WARD
that got their attention.
Now pour it on.

GRIMM REAPER
Oh, joy.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

The CF.net begings firing conventional weapons, the PONTER returns fire.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – MACHINE ROOM – NIGHT

Fire erupts. KILNGIRL jumps back from it.

KILNGIRL
Okay.. I don’t think that was supposed to happen.
There’s a humming sound.

KILNGIRL walks to a computer screen.

On it reads: MAIN CANNON POWER OVERLOAD.

KILNGIRL
Oh, damn.
(runs)

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRDIGE – NIGHT

ATTA is gripping her command chair, the bridge is bathed in red light,a nd occasionally it rocks as it’s attacked.

ADIKOR
Mistress, we’re reading a
power overload in the main cannon.

ATTA
I thought the damn thing wasn’t working.

The ship shakes and alarms keep blaring.

ADIKOR
The power was building up, before it wasn’t able to work.
Now it seems the safety release is not working.
We’re looking at a possible explosion.

ATTA
Well, send people to fix it.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – ENGINEERING TUNNEL – NIGHT

KILNGIRL is running.

There’s the sound of running feet, but not her’s.

She stops and sees a group of engineers racing toward her.

They stop.

OLAR
YOU!

KILNGIRL
Me.

OLAR
You are supposed to be
under guard in your quarters!

KILNGIRL
How do you know that?

OLAR
The main cannons..
You’ve sabotaged the main cannon!

KILNGIRL
You can’t prove anything!

OLAR
Get her!

The Engineers pull out big wrenches and advance.

KILNGIRL sighs and pulls out her handgun.

KILNGIRL
This is just too easy.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – NIGHT

ADIKOR
I’m reading a power overload.

ATTA
I thought I told you to get that fixed?

ADIKOR
I di-

The ship shakes violently, lights go out, and another alarm begins blaring.

ADIKOR
A massive explosion has just occurred.
We’ve lost shields.
Main weapons are down.
Life support is failing.

ATTA
We’ve lost…

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – ENGINEERING TUNNEL – NIGHT

KILNGIRl runs, behind her is a raging fire.

Everywhere alarms are blaring and crew are running about. She is easily ignored as she makes her way to a hatch that reads, ESCAPE HATCH.

KILNGIRL
Well, it was fun while it lasted.

She his a button and it opens, revealing a long tube. She jumps in, it seals up after her.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

We see a silver pod shoot out of the PONTER, it is not the only one. Scores of pods are launching from the ship.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – NIGHT

ADIKOR
Mistress, the crew are abandoning ship.

ATTA
What?

ADIKOR
The explosion has devastated deck nine and ten.
The starboard sides are practically burning. The
crew in those sections cannot get out.
They are abandoning ship.

ATTA
Get emergency crews there now!
Get those fires put out.
Get the main batteries back online.
We’ve still got an enem-

The ship staggers, ATTA nearly falls out of her chair.

ATTA
What?

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROM – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER
A hit, sir.

Viewscreen shot: The PONTER is burning fiercely on one side, the mian cannon explosion and now the CF.net cannon shot have shredded it’s starboard armor and tore up it’s hull.

But the ship is still firing and slowly maneuvering.

WARD
Damn, it’s strong.

GRIMM REAPER
Let’s see how much damage it can take.

FAEELIN
Sir, there are scores of escape pods in the area.
What shall we do.

WARD
Ours or theirs?

FAEELIN
The Neanderthal’s, sir.

GRIMM REAPER
Shoot at them.

WARD
(a beat)
No, teleport them aboard.
If anything we can toss ‘em out later, if not.
then they may know some interesting things.

GRIMM REAPER
No fun.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – NIGHT

ATTA
We have lost.

ADIKOR
Your orders, Mistress.

ATTA
Pull the ship back.
Tell the other captains to pull
forward and cover our retreat.

ADIKOR
(shocked)
we are retreating?

ATTA
There’s no other way.
We cannot win in the situation we are in.
We need to retreat. Rebuild…

ADIKOR
Signaling all ship to retreat.

ATTA
Are the shift engines still working?

ADIKOR
Yes, mistress.

ATTA
Spin up the engines. Once we are at
a safe distance, open a vortex.

ADIKOR
Yes, Mistress.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER
Well, this is no fun.
All this hype to this great big battle between us and them
and they get hurt from inside their own ship. I should file a complain.

WARD
Be happy that it ain’t firing it’s big gun. Or how’d
you like to know what it feels like to be shot up
when you’re defenseless.

GRIMM REAPER
Well, it’s fun being the shooter, but not the shoot-ee.

WARD
Full ahead, don’t let that damned bitch escape.
We kill her and these ragged bastards will be mince meat.

GRIMM REAPER
Mmm.. minced meat.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – NIGHT

ADIKOR
Mistress, the CF.net is coming after us.

ATTA
Tell the other captains to fire upon it.

ADIKOR
They are.. but they are ignoring them.
They are coming straight for us.

ATTA
Damnation. He is determined
to kill us, if it even kills him.

ADIKOR
What are we to do, Mistress?

ATTA
Open up the portal.

ADIKOR
In the middle of the fleet, it-

ATTA
Do you prefer to die?
Open the damned portal!

ADIKOR
Yes, mistress.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The Control Room has taken some damage, the Neanderthal ships are firing upon the CF.net as it chases the PONTER. WARD sits calmly watching the viewscreen.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Sir, they are opening a vortex.

WARD
They are escaping.
(clenches his fists)

GRIMM REAPER
the Neanderthals have entered the vortex.
The Ponter has shifted.

WARD sits there watching the screen.

The vortex is beginning to close.

GRIMM REAPER
What are we going to do, sir?

MINI FLASHBACK FX.

EXT. – THE WARD HOUSE – PORCH – EVENING

WARD is standing on the ground, MRS. WARD is standing on the porch, hands on hip, watching him.

MRS. WARD
Tell me. Are you gonna be leaving again?
Because you can stay right where you are,
if you’re gonna be leaving again.

WARD
(moment’s pause)
Wife, I’ve been gone for nearly eight years.
I’m home, Wife. I ain’t going anywhere.
Not without a fight, and not without
kicking and screaming.

MRS. WARD
(smiling)
Then welcome home, Husband.
Welcome home.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
What are we going to do sir.

WARD
(hesitation)
Follow them.
We can’t let them escape again.
(standing up)
When we get a lock on them, fire at will.
Don’t let up until that damned bitch is
Nothing but a smear, got it?

SCARECROW
Plotting course for vortex.

WARD
(still standing)
We’ll destroy them, once and for all.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

The CF.NET plunges into the vortex.

The battle between the Unity and the Neanderthal fleets continues.

Fade out.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The ship is shaking slightly.

WARD
What is that?

GRIMM REAPER
The shaking?
I don’t know.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Sir, Gedca says that we suffered some damned to the man
heat vents, we’ll be riding a bit rough until he can fix it.

WARD
As long as it don’t cause us
any trouble in this upcoming fight.

GRIMM REAPER
We’re in weapons range of the Ponter, sir.

WARD
Begin firing.

EXT. – TRANSIT SPACE –

We see the CF.net pulling in on the PONTER and begins firing.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE – NIGHT

TECH
Mistress, the CF.net’s particle cannons
are interfering with our shift.
We’re dropping out of transit space.

ATTA
Brace for immersion!
All hands, brace for immersion!

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

The CF.net control room is shaking badly. WARD grips his armrest.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Our particle cannons have caused the Ponter to be kicked
out of transit space. We’re also caught in the wake.

GRIMM REAPER
Well, at least we’ll get to shoot ‘em up in another universe.

WARD
Strap in, Grimm.
This is gonna be rough.

GRIMM REAPER
Nice.

EXT – SPACE – NIGHT

The vortex opens and the PONTER flies out of it, the CF.net on it’s tail. It continues to fire upon the PONTER.

We pull out and we see another ship, a ship similar to the CF.net. The AH.com.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT glances at GBW.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell is the CF.net doing here.

GBW
They do show up in the darndest places…

KIT
Doc, we’re getting a com
signal from the first ship.

DOCTOR WHAT
On screen.

The face of ATTA appears.

ATTA
Doctor What?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh.. Atta?
What’s going on here?

ATTA
The Destroyer has found us. They are trying to
kill me and my people Please help us

DOCTOR WHAT
Why am I not surprised?
Lee, weapons up, shields to maximum.
If he wants a fight, we’ll give him one.

WEAPON M
Damn straight.

KIT
Doc, we’re getting a signal from the CF.net

DOCTOR WHAT
On screen.

WARD appears upon the screen.

WARD
Boy, you have the shittiest luck
in coming to worlds, don’t you?

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, we were here first!

WARD
You’ve got something running toward you that I want dead.
I’ll let you and your pathetic mockery of a crew leave without
being harmed, if you ignore that ship and leave. .

DOCTOR WHAT
I think I’ve seen enough assholes who think they can go about
killing a lot of people for their own fucked up reasons.

WARD
Well, you’ll be interested to know
that the little lady you’re protecting is-

DOCTOR WHAT
You know what? I don’t’ give a damn.
Like I’d believe anything spewed from your mouth, Ward.
I’m not that stupid.

WARD
You’re be making a big mistake, boy.

DOCTOR WHAT
The mistake is letting you continually
getting away when we run into one another.
It’s time that this ended.

WARD
I’ll make sure to send your remains home when
I’m finished killing you and that damned bitch.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll make sure to piss on yours, when this is all done.

WARD cuts communications.

WEAPON M
That could have turned out better.

DOCTOR WHAT
When he gets in range. Fire everything we’ve got.
It’s time we got rid of this asshat and all the
damned trouble and destruction he’s causes.

GBW
What about the other ship?

DOCTOR WHAT
Put us in front of it and the Cf.net, when th-

GBW
CF.net’s firing!

EXT. –SPACE – NIGHT

The main cannon of the Cf.net fires. With a direct hit tears a hole completely through the PONTER, the Neanderthal ship is wracked with explosions.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WEAPON M
Holy crap.

DOCTOR WHAT
G.Bone get as many people as you can out of there.

GBW
The CF.net’s coming at us.

DOCTOR WHAT
Evasive maneuvers.
G.Bone you’d best hurry.

The ship shakes as it’s struck.

GBW
We’ve got damaged, direct hit to our starboard thrusters.
We need shields!

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn it.
Shields up!
Move into a defens-

The PONtER suddenly detonates on the viewscreen. The massive ship vanishes into a flash of brilliant light and is reduced to debris.

WEAPON M
Holy shit.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fire everything at the CF.net!
Fire!

WEAPON M
Got it.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The AH.com, although slightly crippled, moves and fires upon the CF.net. they both begin maneuvering and attacking one another.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROM – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
We’re taking a pounding.

WARD
This is our chance. We killed one
piece of crap, time to kill another.

GRIMM REAPER
Two on one day, that’ll leave tomorrow boring.

WARD
We’ll find someone else to become our most hated enemy.

GRIMM REAPER
Ooo, I have a list in my quar-

The ship suddenly shakes badly, the lights flicker.

WARD
Gedca, what the hell is going on?

GEDCA (on comm)
Sir. We’re taking damage.
The first battle with the Neanderthals did not do anything to
help us repair, now this… We’re getting some odd reading
from the engine. Better end this battle quick or else we’ll
be be facing some problems.

GRIMM REAPER
(sardonic)
You heard the grease monkey,
best we end this fight quick, sir.

WARD
Well, if he says so…

There’s another shudder and things begin to rattle.

GRIMM REAPER
I think we really need to end this fight…

WARD
Understood.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The CF.net is spiraling and dodging the blasts from the AH.com. It’s moving, but the AH.com keeps coming after it.

The shields flare and flash.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER
We’ve just lost shields.
Main power is fluctuating.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – ENGINEERING ROOM – DAY
‘
GEDCA, FEDERATON X, and FORTYSEVEN are racing around Engineering, sparks shower, smoke fills the room, they pound at non functioning computer consoles.

FORTYSEVEN
We’re red lining it in the reactor,
Heat vent isn’t working a damn.

FEDERATION X
Emergency overrides aren’t working.

GEDCA
Damn it, we just tore up the emergency overrides.

FEDERATION X
Well, that was a damn brilliant idea.

GEDCA
Time to go manual. The damn reactor’s gonna spew
radiation in a few moments, if we don’t get those vents open.

FEDERATION X
It’s always going critical, those damn engines.

FORTYSEVEN
Must be cuz we’re always in fights.

GEDCA
There’s an observation.
(a moment’s thinking)
Alright, Fed and I are gonna hit the manuals, Forty,
stay back here and when it’s green, open up the vents.

FORTYSEVEN
Why do I always have to do the crappy button hitting thing?

GEDCA
Because your engineering skills are on par with Fed’s fighting skills.
Now shut up and get ready to hit that button.

More sparks and smoke fill the engine room.

FEDERATION X
Best we get moving.

GEDCA
I think you’re right.

The two head into the engineering room, FORTYSEVEN wrings his hands and glances at the computer console.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Viewscreen shot: the Cf.net is dodging and weaving, the particle fire from the AH.com missing.

WEAPON M
Damn, they’re quick.

A lance of light strikes the CF.net, we can visibly see hull tear off.

WEAPON M
But not quick enough.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think we might actually be winning this.

WEAPON M
That’s something new.

DOCTOR WHAT
Pour it on, don’t let them escape.
We destroy them completely, now.
No more Mr. Something Fucks Up And They Escape.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

A fire rages in a shattered console.

GRIMM REAPER uses a fire extinguisher upon it.

MERRYPRANKSTER
We can’t take much more of this, sir.

WARD
Then get this damn ship moving.
(a pause and clenching of fists)
Get a damn vortex open, get us the hell out of here.

SCARECROW
Sir, the shift engines were taken offline,
Gedca said they had to fix the heat vents.

WARD (into comm)
Gedca, get those damn shift engines back on line!
Now!
(silence)
Gedca?

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – ENGINEERING ROOM – DAY

GEDCA ducks as a piece of metal goes flying by his head. Behind him FEDERATION X hits the floor.

FEDERATION X
Damn it, I wish I were incompetent like Forty.

GEDCA
Yeah, me too.
Its just over there.

FEDERATION X
On three?

GEDCA
Yeah.
One.
Two.
Three!

The two run toward a set of mechanical valves and grab them.

FEDERATION X
Ah, shit!
They’re hot!!

GEDCA pulls off his shirt and wraps them around his hands and begins pulling. FEDERATION X follows suit. The cloth begins to smoke, but they slowly yank down one valve, only three more to go.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Lances of particle fire are traded with both ships, but the AH.com’s shields protect it from the worst of the damage. The CF.net’s hull is riddled with holes and damage, but the ship still keeps going, dodging a large a majority of the fire.

A lance of fire strikes the engineering section of the ship.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – ENGINEERING ROOM – DAY

GEDCA and FEDERATION X pull down the third lever. The pause for a moment, rewrap their hands and begin pulling on the last.

There is an explosion, a wave of debris and fire shower the two. GEDCA ducks. He gets to his feet again, looking around. Fire is beginning to rage, he coughs as smoke fills the room.

GEDCA
Fed you there?

No answer.

GEDCA
Federation X?

He steps forward and sees FEDERATION X half buried by falling debris.

GEDCA
(shaking head)
Ah, damn. Damn.
Damn.
(begins coughing)
The vent.

He staggers back to the levers and begins pulling down on the last one.

Smoke fills the room.

GEDCA begins coughing raggedly.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The CF.net is still chased by the AH.com. We see a visible exhaust of something.

The two ships still maneuver and fight.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

SCARECROW
Shift engines back online!

WARD
Get us the hell out of here!

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A vortex opens, swirly colors and the CF.net ship plunges into it.

Before the AH.com can get there, the vortex closes.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – ENGINEERING ROOM – DAY

FORTYSEVEN stands in the engineering room fidgeting. Fire rages in the engine room, he grabs a extinguisher and rushes in.

FORTYSEVEN
Damn it, where’s Gedca?

There is a suddenly explosion and fire engulfs the engineering room.

Fade out:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WEAPON M
They got away.

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
They’ll be back. They always do.

WEAPON M
We’ll we managed two fights in one day, without much loss.
That I think is a record.

DOCTOR WHAT
We still loss more than we should have.

WEAPON M
I’m sorry about Anna, she was nice.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
He’ll pay for this.
I’ll make sure he does.

WEAPON M
Who?
Ward?

At that moment G.BONE enters the control room.

G.BONE
Sorry, Doc, but they were the only ones I could get off.

DOCTOR WHAT looks up and sees ATTA and ADIKOR.

ATTA rushes to him.

ATTA
Twice you have risked your life to save mine.
(a beat)
Not only my life, but the life of OUR child.

DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked)
What?

WEAPON M
Dude. With a Neanderthal?

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

WARD, GRIMM REAPER, and MERRYPRANKSTER survey the damage to the ship. MIDGARD, DARKSLAVIK, and BULGARKOTONOS are beginning the process of cleaning up.

WARD
Any survivors?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Fortyseven’s the only one who made it through.
Minor burns, a slight concussion, but he’ll be fine.

GRIMM REAPER
The others?

MERRYPRANKSTER
They were lost. The fire and the debris.

GRIMM REAPER
We’ll need to find replacements.

WARD
Damnation. It was hard enough finding
a good engineer in the first place.

GRIMM REAPER
We did it before, sir.
We’ll do it again.

WARD
(clenching fist)
And we’ll get the AH.commers for this…

MERRYPRANKSTER
Yes, with a broken ship.

GRIMM REAPER
Is that a mutiny I hear you plotting.

MERRYPRANKSTER
No, It’s suicide to think that we can go after the AH.com
in the state we’re in. We’ve suffered major damage
to our ship and that can’t be fixed overnight.

GRIMM REAPER
It sounds like insubordination to me.
It sounds like you don’t have faith in the
ability of the Captain to kick the AH.com’s arse.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(glaring)
It’s not insubordination.
It’s-

WARD
Shut up the two of you.
Merry is correct in that we can’t take the AH.com on,
in the state we’re in. And the only engineer we have
left happens to be unconscious. Unless we fix up our
ship, we’re shit out of luck in doing a damned thing.

There is silence.

Suddenly there is a sound, the sound of footsteps.

Pan to a figure walking through the mass of scattered debris and shattered machinery.

VOICE
I think I can help you in that respect.

The figure steps into the light.

It is KILNGRIL.

KILNGIRL grins.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Open up in deep space, white stars glitter.

Camera pans around, showing a wide shot of what appears to be a solar system, but everything is enveloped in a haze of dust.

Pull in, we see a ship moving.

Camera pans and in the distance we see a huge space station.

EXT. – SPACE – SPACE STATION DOCK – DAY

We see clamps extend and attach to the ship.

INT. – SPACE STATION – CORRIDOR – DAY

Ten armed men walk down the corridor. Three in the front, two carrying a figure between then, three weapons are pointed at the carried figure, and two bringing up the rear.

They pass men, women, and children, who all have a slightly dirty, threadbare appearance. The people watch with slight interest, but then return to whatever errands they were doing.

The group enters a lift. The lift doors close.

EXT. – SPACE STATION – COMMAND CENTER– DAY

We see a KID pushing through men and women, all dressed in civilian clothing, but manning computer consoles and talking into comm units. They all look concentrated and busy.

The KID pushes into a group of men and women, who are standing around a table with what appears to be a map of the solar system. It shows no planets, only the sun and what appears to be several rings of asteroid belts and a haze marked “DUST” everywhere.

The KID walks up to a MAN who’s talking animatedly with another woman. The KID tugs on his sleeve and the MAN looks down.

KID
(whispering)
They’re back.

The MAN nods, excuses himself from the woman, and follows the KID out of the Command Center.

INT. – SPACE STATION – ROOM – DAY

The MAN enters a room, the ten armed men are there, the figure tied up in a chair in the center of the room. A black bag over it’s head.

HEAD SOLIDER
Hey, Norbert. How’s it going?
(they shake hands)

NORBERT
Hey, Paul.
(glances at tied up figure)
Been busy, it seems.

PAUL
Yeah, been busy.
A couple of miners out in Sector Seven got some
pixies on their scanners the past couple of days.
Figured we’d go in and have a look see, and
this here is what we came across.

NORBERT
Does it bite?

PAUL
You tell me, man.

PAUL signals to another man, who steps forward and pulls the black hood off the figure.

NORBERT stands a bit shocked.

NORBERT
How?

PAUL
Guy didn’t keep an eyeball on his scanners and we snuck up
on his arse. Gave a love tap to the ship, ginsued the hull, boarded,
and snatched up the bastard. Barely any resistance from the fella,
kinda a disappointment. Figured you wanted to see the prize.

NORBERT
(glances at the figure again)
We’re gonna have to call Ward.

Camera pans to the figure, we see it’s a gagged Neanderthal strapped to the chair. A red sun with a white hand upon the left best of the black suit it’s wearing gleams in the dim light of the room.

FADE TO BLACK.

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

COUNTERFACTUAL

“THE FIRST STRIKE”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN (Alex Claw)

ACT I

INT. – CF.NET – CORRIDOR – DAY

Opening scene

SCARECROW is running down the corridor.

SCARECROW
AHHHHHHH!!!!!
(runs out of the shot)

A moment late MIDGARD comes running down the corridor, a grim look on his face and a rifle clutched in his hand.

There is the sound of gunfire behind him… lots of gun fire. Camera pans down an empty corridor.

VOICE (OS)
Holy shit! It’s coming this way!
Run!
(a beat)
The other way, asshat!

Moments later we see BULGARKOTONOS round a corner, a weapon in hand. He points it down a corridor and begins spraying it with bullets.

A moment later a ragged looking MERRYPRANKSTER and FAEELIN run out of the corridor BULGARKOTONOS had just been shooting down.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(miffed)
Hey, couldn’t you have
waited until we got pass you?

BULGARKOTONOS
Sorry, sir.
Didn’t see you.
(grins)

MERRYPRANKSTER
(glaring)
Right…
(a glance back)
Does anything stop it?

FAEELIN
(panting heavily)
Aw, crap. I knew is should
have stayed in my quarters.

MIDGARD
(yelling)
Hurry up, damn it. It’s still coming!

The three glance back down the corridor and run off screen.

The camera stays put, suddenly from around the corner we see a huge Creature making it’s way down it. Snapping tentacles and slashing claws can be seen. It passes by the camera, making an evil hiss.

Pull out to:

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

WARD is standing, watching the now empty corridor on the view screen.

WARD
What do you think?

Camera pans slightly to the right, we see GRIMM REAPER.

GRIMM REAPER
I’ve seen prettier things.

WARD
That’s for damn sure.
Uglier than a pig’s ass during mosquito season.

GRIMM REAPER
Couldn’t have put it better myself, sir.

WARD
Figure we should lend a hand?

GRIMM REAPER
I left my scythe in my quarters. You know
how awkward that thing is to lug around?

WARD
I tell you what. You should get a gun.

GRIMM REAPER
I figure I’ll end up shooting a toe off or
something. I need all my toes.

WARD glances at him.

GRIMM REAPER (CONT.)
You never know when I’ll need to count to twenty.
(grins)

WARD laughs.

WARD
If it comes to that, then we can probably lop one off a
crewmember. I’m sure they’ll be willing to hand one
over, if asked nicely enough.

GRIMM REAPER
Surely such a move would only turn my otherwise pristine
and well pedicure foot into a Frankensteinian abomination.
Plus there is always the fear of Athlete’s foot.

WARD
We could always find an alternate.
(suddenly stern)
Dominus!

DOMINUSNOVUS is sitting at his science station, a mirror in one hand and a comb in the other. He startles, dropping both and lunges at the console before him, punching buttons.

DOMINUSNOVUS
Yeah?

WARD pulls out his .375 from his holster and tosses it at DOMINUSNOVUS, who drops it and dives for it. After a few seconds of clattering and a slew of curses, DOMINUSNOVUS comes up with the gun.

WARD
Go kill that thing.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(gaping)
Huh?

WARD
Kill it. Then bring me back the gun.
NOW.

DOMINUDNOVUS scurries out of the Control Room. GRIMM REAPER watches as he leaves.

GRIMM REAPER
I think I might feel a bit of sadness and empathy
for the Herculean mission you’ve just given him.
Yet I don’t.

WARD
Well, I’ll tell you this.
If he can’t kill something as small as that,
then he’s got no place on my ship.

GRIMM REAPER
Spoken like a true deranged commanding officer.

WARD
Thanks, it means a lot.

GRIMM REAPER
(glancing at the viewscreen)
I wonder what stations this viewscreen can pull up?

WARD
Had to get all the pay per view channels blocked,
seems someone was running up a bill.

GRIMM REAPER
I’ve told Rommy to stop ordering all the soft core porn, especially
not when we can just raid some off an unsuspecting planet. It sullies
our name, that we should have to pay for something, when we can
easily gain it though force and mayhem.

WARD
I figure his definition of being evil is running up people’s bills.
I gave a week in the Hole and cut his pay by 90%.

GRIMM REAPER
Very good, sir.

BANG!

The two glance to the viewscreen, which is still showing the empty corridor.

BANG!

GRIMM REAPER
Do I hear the shots of a .375?

WARD
Figured the kid didn’t have the balls to actually do it…
(shrugs)
Go figure.

BANG!

DOMINUSNOVUS runs across the viewscreen, the .375 in hand and a look of pure terror on his face. He fires another shot behind him, at something.

BANG!

The Creature, moves across the screen, following DOMINUSNOVUS.

GRIMM REAPER
Five gold dollars says he gets eaten by that thing.

WARD
I don’t want to take that bet.

GRIMM REAPER
Easy money?
(grins)

WARD
Let’s just say I figure most of these kids couldn’t
find their dicks even if it were stapled to their hand.

GRIMM REAPER
Ten gold dollars?

WARD
Deal.

BANG!

DOMINUSNOVUS is backed into a corner and the Creature is coming up on him

WARD
Who should we send to
fish my gun out of that thing’s gut?

GRIMM REAPER
Merry. He seems the responsible sort.
What was that saying?
“Shit rolls down hill”

WARD
(grins)
You just don’t like him.

GRIMM REAPER
What was the give away?
Me trying to kill him on a weekly basis?

WARD
It was the training of Pumpkin to claw out his eyes.

GRIMM REAPER
Who’d have thought he’d carry catnip around in his pocket?

WARD
Resourceful.

GRIMM REAPER just glowers.

Back to the Viewscreen, The Creature rears up upon what would with a stretch of imagination be called it’s back legs, exposing an underbelly of scores of small salivating mouths filled with razor sharp teeth.

DOMINUSNOVUS stares, gaped mouth.

GRIMM REAPER
Dark Salvik out did himself this week, didn’t he?

WARD
(watching Creature)
It’s got a horrid nightmarish quality to it.

GRIMM REAPER
I want one…

DOMINUSNOVUS shakily raises the .357.

BANG!

There’s a grunt and a wheezing sound, the Creature suddenly lets out a strangled cry and collapses, a thick tentacle knocking down DOMINUSNOVUS. The Creature shivers once and lies still.

GRIMM REAPER
I think it’s dead.

WARD
Well, at least I won’t have to have my gun cleaned.
Now, pay up.

Sighing, GRIMM REAPER digs in the folds of his robes and pulls out ten thick gold coins and drops them into WARD’s hand.

VOICE (on viewscreen)
NOOOO!!!!
My baby!
NOOOO!!!

DARKSLAVIK runs into the shot and hugs the dead Creature, sobbing.

WARD
Boy’s not right in the head.

GRIMM REAPER
Figured that was why you ‘recruited’ him.

WARD
He does make pretty damned ugly things.
But I reckon it’s costing us more than we really need.

GRIMM REAPER
Seen the requisitioning orders?

WARD
The idea of having a horde of murdering, scary cannon fodder
sounded like a good idea at the time. But who’d figure this
kid would br competent in making a lot of these things.

GRIMM REAPER
It’s so hard to find good help these days.
And when you do, they’re just annoying.
(shrugs)
Figure if he gets too out of hand,
we can just toss him out an airlock.

WARD
I like the way you think, Grimm.

GRIMM REAPER
Thank you, sir.

The lift door opens and MERRPRANKSTER, FAEELIN, and SCARECROW stumble into the Control Room. They all look a little battered, FAEELIN is bleeding from a gash on the arm.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Sorry about being late, sir.
We had trouble down the corridors.

WARD
I assume you did like any god officer worth his salt
would do and took charge of the situation?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Uh… No sir.
I figured it was more prudent to arrive at our duty stations on time,
than fight another one of Darkslavik’s creations that got a little out of hand.

There’s a rattle of gunfire from the viewscreen. MIDGARD is pumping bullets into the dead Creature and yelling something in Russian.

WARD
Gather those idiots down there and get that dead thing
out of my corridors. Then have another talk with Slavik
about keeping his damned lab locked and his creations
in cages. Either that or he gets to enjoy vacuum.

MERRYPRANKSTER
(nodding)
Yes, sir.

WARD
And get my gun from Dominus,
make sure it’s cleaned.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Yes, sir.

GRIMM REAPER
(to Faeelin)
You’re bleeding on my deck.

FAEELIN
Sorry, sir.
I’ll attempt not to bleed.

WARD
Scarecrow.
Make preparations to leave this universe.
I tire of bombarding a defenseless planet.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The CF.net is in high orbit and from it rains flashes of light striking the planet below.

INT. – CF.NET – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

SCARECROW
On it, sir.

There’s a beeping sound.

FAEELIN
Sir, we’re just received a message.

WARD
On screen.

FAEELIN
Sir, it’s a Private Message.

WARD
(nods)
I’ll take it in my ready room.
Grimm, you got the bridge.

GRIMM REAPER
Yay.

WARD stands up and heads for a door.

INT. – CF.NET – WARD’S READY ROOM – CONTINUING

WARD takes a seat behind a large desk and taps out a command on a console. A moment later he is reading a message, his face hardens.

WARD (on comm)
Grimm, set coordinates to Tradepoint.

GRIMM REAPER
(surprised)
Yes, sir.

WARD
(leans back in chair)
Finally. Some news.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – ENGINEERING – DAY

Open up in black, we hear some clanking, banging, and welding.

Fade up from black, into a corridor.

Camera moves down corridor, we see Neanderthal crewmembers hurrying by, busy on some errand.

Enter a large area, it’s filled with computer terminals, scores of Neanderthals working busily on something. In the center of the large room is a massive device, alien looking and obviously nothing like the other equipment that’s in the room.

Standing on top of it, hammer in hand and a look of concentration on her face is KILNGIRL.

KILNGIRL
Alright, try it now.

A Neanderthal hits a button on a computer console and there’s a coughing sound and the massive device begins to light up.

KILNGIRL
Yay.
(jumps off device)
Now that’s how us Homo Sapiens do things.
(grins)

A Neanderthal pushes his way forward, he’s big, mean looking, and is glaring at KILNGIRL, this is OLAR, the previous head engineer.

OLAR
We could have figured it out on our own!

KILNGIRL
Yeah, after ten years and
a lot of head scratching.
It’s all the bone in your foreheads,
leaves less room for problem solving.

OLAR growls and raises a fist, but before he can do anything, another big Neanderthal, this one dressed in battle armor and carrying a big gun, shoves the business end of the weapon in the back of OLAR.

DAKLAR
Back to your station, Engineer.

OLAR glares at KILNGIRL.

OLAR
(whispering)
Your little guards will not be there
to protect you every moment of the day.

KILNGIRL
(dismissively)
Watch as I shake in my boots.
I’ve been whispered quasi death threats
by people bigger and more uglier than you, caveman.
I won’t lose any sleep over it.

OLAR stalks off.

DAKLAR
You should not push him so.

KILNGIRL
(shrugging)
I like to.
(grins)
Call it the only fun I get.

DAKLAR
It just causes him anger.

KILNGIRL
Exactly. Plus your Holy Queen Mother of Dirt and Rock
won’t let anything untoward happen to me, she likes me.
(grins again)

DAKLAR
Mistress of the Worlds.
And you’re her prisoner.

KILNGIRL
If you want to believe that.
Now, let’s see if these thick foreheads know what they’re doing.
There’s a reason homo sapiens control the Multiverse.

DAKLAR only grunts and follows her deeper into Engineering.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – MISTRESS’ COMMAND CENTER – NIGHT

ATTA stands looking at a large viewscreen, on it is KILNGIRL dong various jobs upon shiny bits of technology that looks nothing like the rest of the Neanderthal tech. From her silhouette we can see she is heavily pregnant.

ATTA
She’s managed to do more in the last few weeks than
our engineers have been able to in the last few months.
(does not look pleased)

DAKLAR
Yes, Mistress. She does seem to have a knack for integrating
the captured technology into our systems.

ATTA
This puts us ahead of schedule.
This is good.

ADIKOR
We can begin the assault as soon as the rest of the ships arrive.
There has been some.. ‘resistance’ from the colonies that have
been out of the fold of the Empire for a while. They assume
since they’ve managed to rebuild and prosper since the Fall,
they do not need to kneel before the Mistress of the Worlds.

ATTA
When the greater evil is destroyed, then we will
resolve whatever problems that arise in the Empire.
(glances at Daklar)
Keep an eye on the human. If she does anything
to ruin our plans, throw her out an airlock.

DAKLAR
Yes, Mistress.
(bows and leaves)

ADIKOR
We are nearly ready for the strike.
(allows himself a grin)
and we shall be revenged.

ATTA walks to a porthole and stands, looking out it. Her eyes are far away for a moment. She sets a hand upon her stomach.

ATTA
An Empire untied and strong, for my child.
Something even my father could not accomplish.
Something that has not been since the destruction
of the Homeworld by those cursed humans.
(clenches fist)
Soon, they will be destroyed…

Pull back, out of the Command Center, out the porthole.

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

We see a huge project going on, a massive ring shaped thing is being build in orbit around earth. We pull out even more and we see black ships as far as the eye can see. An armada of vessels preparing for an attack.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

A vortex opens, out comes the CF.net.

Pull out and we see it’s the Dusty Universe.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP- CONTROL ROOM – DAY

SCARECROW
Insertion complete, all green.
Arrival at coordinates given.

WARD is sitting in his command chair, GRIMM REAPER is standing beside him, he wears an expression of interest. WARD remains emotionless.

WARD
Bring us in, they’ll be sending a vector.

SCARECROW
Got it.
Message also received,
putting it on comm.

VOICE
Welcome to Tradepoint,
the center of the multiverse.

DOMINUSNOVUS
(scoffing)
Guess they never heard of the Hub.

VOICE
Disengage all weapons, power down any defensive screens,
this is a no weapons zone. Peace ships will be escorting you in,
your pilot has been given the coordinates and docking berth.
Welcome to Tradepoint.

SCARECROW
Receiving instructions.

MERRYPRANKSTER
We’ve got a dozen ships forming a holding pattern around us.

GRIMM REAPER
Seems we’re getting the welcoming committee.
Don’t they know we’re friends?

WARD
Norbert’s cautious.
I would be in his situation.

GRIMM REAPER
I would imagine. Get raided
enough times, it does get a little tiring.

WARD watches the viewscreen of the space station.

WARD
Looks a far sight better when we last were here.

GRIMM REAPER
(pursing lips)
I like it better filled with holes and chunks of ships and
debris around it. Gave it a ‘We’ve just got the
crap nearly stomped out of us’ look.

WARD simply nods.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The CF.net ships pulls into dock. Clamps extend, along with various tubes and lines.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – AIR DOCK – DAY

WARD, GRIMM REAPER, BULGARKOTONOS, and MIDGARD are standing in the airlock as it whirs and clanks. There’s a loud hiss and the heavy metal doors slowly slides open.

Standing before them is NORBERT and several other men, all armed.

NORBERT
Welcome, Admiral.
(grins)

WARD
Captian, now, Norbert.
Captain.

The two shake hands and clap one another on the backs. NORBERT glances at the others in WARD’s group.

NORBERT
See you’ve been keeping nice company these days.

GRIMM REAPER
I find that description of my demeanor totally
taken out of context. Just because I didn’t push
that old lady out of my way, does not mean I’m nice.
(grins)

NORBERT
See you’re still alive, Grimm.

GRIMM REAPER
It’s the redshirts, Norb.
They die so that I may continue to
produce my witty sarcastic banter.

WARD
Got you message, what’s up?

NORBERT
Let’s head to my office. I’ve got some beer, piss poor
home brewed kind, but it’ll still take off the edge,
and we’ll discuss this.

WARD
(to Midgard and Bulgar)
You two. Stay.

The three and the guards walk off into the station.

INT. – SPACE STATION – NORBERT’S OFFICE – DAY

The three men sit around a battered looking table.

NORBERT
Caught the bastard only a couple of days ago.

WARD
Have you interrogated him?

NORBERT
Well, we were gonna, but seeing how you’re the guy
who likes to make these things talk, decided to drop
you a message. We’ve been keeping him on ice for
now, feeding him our food, letting him breath our air…

WARD
How are things on station?

NORBERT
(sighing)
Tight.
The Guild is still proclaiming a blockade against us. They won’t
come right out and attack us, not after what happened, but there’s
more ways to kill a guy rather than coming right out and shooting
him. Blockades, bribes, political pressure, it’ll kill a place, sure
as shooting someone, but it’s a damned slow and painful death.
War’s been spreading across the universes, just about every place
we contact is either killing themselves or fighting off some wannabe
expansionist mulitverse empire. So we’ve been keeping a low profile,
best not lure in trouble. Not that we can’t fight off what comes our
way, just we’ve seen enough war, peace is all we want now.

WARD
Time was when you preferred a different approach.

NORBERT
Time was when I was a damned fool.

GRIMM REAPER
(running a hand across the arm of his chair)
You need to get some one to dust up here more.

NORBERT
(laughs)
If I could spare someone to clean and keep this place looking
pretty, then I wouldn’t be worrying about cutting back rations
again, wondering how long our air scrubbers gonna last, if the
power plant’s gonna go kaput on us soon or not.

WARD
We ran across some jackasses
who wanted to play pirate,
with us being the bait. Guess
they figured they could take on
anyone coming through their space.

GRIMM REAPER
It’s been a while since anyone
right out and tried to attack us.
Normally, it takes us lobbing a
few missiles at them before
they want to play.

WARD
They bit off more than they could chew.
But it seems like they had done a fair bit
of raiding before they got it into their
heads that we were prey.

GRIMM REAPER
I got a nice crate of chocolates from them.

WARD
Whatever you need, it’s yours.

NORBERT
Much obliged, sir.

WARD
No need to call me sir, anymore, Norbert. You aren’t under
my command anymore, though there were some times I
wished you still were. There have been some scrapes we’ve
been in where we needed some good men who knew what they
were doing and not these kids we’re practically babysitting.

NORBERT
I’d be lying if I didn’t say there were a few times when I
wondered how things would’ve been if I had stayed with you guys…
(sighs)
But things kinda changed after Samara.

WARD
(hard flat voice)
Would be nice if you wouldn’t
speak that name again, Norbert.

NORBERT
(apologetic)
Yes, sir.
Sorry, sir.

WARD
(clearing throat)
I’ll get one of them dumb asses to send over the stuff,
just send over a list of what you need to the ship. Grimm’ll
make sure you get it. Food and medicine we got plenty off,
machine parts we can probably hand out a few.

GRIMM REAPER
I’ll toss in a box of chocolates, too.

NORBERT
Mighty kind of you, Grimm.

WARD
(laughs)
It’s unheard of, Grimm parting with sweets.

GRIMM REAPER
I’m in a generous mood today.
I’ve got an odd sense of a lot
of shooting and killing in our future,
and well, that just makes me giddy
as a schoolgirl.

WARD
(nodding)
Best we get to find out what
the caveman’s got to say.

NORBERT
Right this way, sir.

INT. – SPACE STATION – CELL – DAY

WARD, GRIMM REAPER, and NORBERT are walking down a dimly lit corridor. You can hear the sound of machinery in the background, and several armed guards are standing before the cell.

They move when they see NORBERT.

GRIMM REAPER
Only the best accommodations, no?

NORBERT
It’s not often we get to entertain guests.

GRIMM REAPER
We set up some nice cells by the airlock, that way we
can easily toss ‘em out when we get tired of them.
It’s called efficiency.

NORBERT
Right…

NORBERT hits a pad by the door and it slides open, revealing a small room with the Neanderthal tied to a chair. The Neanderthal looks back definitely, but then pales when he sees WARD.

WARD
Guess he knows me.

GRIMM REAPER
I wish I could inspire fear like that in my fellow man.

WARD
Takes a lot of learning, boy.
One day when you grow up, you’ll get it right.

NORBERT
It takes a hard stare and you gotta
make sure your reputation proceeds you.
(grins)

WARD enters the cell, looking at the Neanderthal.

WARD
You know who I am?

The Neanderthal nods.

WARD
You know what I can do?

The Neanderthal nods, looking even more scared.

WARD
My friend out there says you might know a few things.
And I’m willing to believe him.

CAPTIVE NEANDERTHAL
I’ll tell you everything…

WARD
‘course you will.
‘course you will…

WARD digs in his pocket for a second and then pulls out a pocket knife. He slowly unfolds it.

WARD (CONT.)
But before you spill you guts.
I’d like to introduce you to
something called absolute hate.
(advances upon the Neanderthal)

Fade to Black

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CARGO HOLD – DAY

MERRYPRANKSTER is standing on a large crate, checking off a clipboard.

GEDCA, FEDERATION X, and FORTYSEVEN are sitting around, half unloaded crates and supplies piled around them.

FEDERATION X
So what’s with this whole Neanderthal thing?

GEDCA
Guess the captain don’t
like anything that isn’t human.

FORTYSEVEN
Nah, it’s not like that. It’s more
like Captain Picard and the Borg.

GEDCA
(angry)
I told you before! DO NOT reference
The Next Generation when I’m around!

FEDERATION X
So, the Neanderthals like tried to make
him one of them to destroy humanity?

GEDCA
They invaded his universe and tried to
destroy it. He slagged their planet afterward.

FEDERATION X
Talk about holding a grudge, it’s like when Fortyseven
got all pissy because I wouldn’t give him that Captain Kirk
action figure from World 195235-X.

FORTYSEVEN
I did not get pissy.
Plus I called dibs on it and you still took it.

GEDCA
The point is that the captain goes out of his way to kill off
all the Neanderthals he finds. I guess you could call it some
sort of lame attempt to get revenge on them or something.
Whatever it is, he gets the ship damaged when he goes up
against those things. Remember the crazy cavewoman
who opened a vortex in the ship?

FORTYSEVEN
Yeah, took weeks to fix that.

FEDERATION X
You didn’t even help!

FORTYSEVEN
I was sick…

GEDCA
What was it again? Bad spinach?

FORTYSEVEN
Yeah…

Suddenly there’s the sound of crates moving and MERRYRANKSTER comes into view.

MERRYPRANKSTER
What are you guys doing?

FORTYSEVEN
We’re sitting around, plotting a coup to take over the ship
while the Captain’s away, then we’ll do an half assed attempt
to sells guns to savages, then we’ll lose half the cash we got,
because we’re threatened by some club waving primitives while
we, on the other hand, are armed with plasma rifles and
have a ship capable of slagging a continent.

FEDERATION X
Oh, wait, you already did that one.

GEDCA
Tell us again, what was it you said to N-red and the others
to get them to die so gallantly for you, Oh Fearless Leader?

MERRYPRANKSTER
(royally pissed off)
Get to work!

GEDCA
We’re waiting for the Glorious Leader
here to lead by example.

FEDERATION X
Plus we’re on break, half an hour every
two hours. Says so in the Contract we signed.

FORTYSEVEN
I think I might be coming down with a cold
(gives a fake cough)
Too bad we don’t got a medic on board…

MERRYPRANKSTER glares at the three before stalking off.

GEDCA
Prick.

FEDERATION X
He’s got a stick up his ass.

FORTYSEVEN
Oh, he’s been visiting Mistress Olga too?

The other two give him a look.

Fade out.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – ATTA’S CHAMBERS – DAY

ADIKOR enters ATTA’s chambers.

ADIKOR
Mistress, we are ready.

ATTA
Ready?

ADIKOR .
All the ships we can get our hands on are here.
The machine has been completed.

ATTA
Can we test the machine?

ADIKOR
From what the human says, you can test it, but it’s only
designed to open to one coordinates, therefore if we do
test it, then the humans will know there is a very large
vortex opening in their area. Plus the energy
requirements are beyond imagining.

ATTA
Then we get only one try.

ADIKOR
Yes, mistress.

ATTA
Prepare the fleet.
We attack!

ADIKOR
Yes, mistress.

ADIKOR leaves.

ATTA
A few days early.
(shrugs)
Too bad for the damned humans.

INT. – SPACE STATION – NIGHT

WARD is standing before a large window overlooking the beauty of the dust filled solar system. He’s got his hands behind his back.

NORBERT walks up to him.

NORBERT
There are moments, when you forget about the hunger,
the failing machines, and the worry of if you’ll see tomorrow,
when you just take in the sights.

WARD
Yeah, there are few and far between.

The two stand there for a moment, looking out.

NORBERT
What are you going to do, sir?

WARD
I’m going to make a species extinct.

NORBERT
Don’t think small, do you?

WARD
No.
First I’m gonna have to stop the bastards.

NORBERT
Figure if there’s anyone that can do it, its you.

WARD
I’ll need a man I can trust in this fight.

NORBERT
Call me flattered, sir.
But it’s no longer my fight.

WARD
These things nearly destroyed our world.
Don’t tell me you like ‘em now.

NORBERT
No, sir. I have no love for the bastards. After all they did kill
billions of us. But I also have no hate for them. I ain’t going
out of my way to see ‘em dead, nor am I risking what I’ve got
to see them erased from the multiverse.

WARD
(nods)
Figure simple revenge ain’t enough
to get you to change your mind?

NORBERT
There’s some things that
matter more than revenge.

WARD
Yeah? What’s that?

NORBERT
(long pause)
Was a time when you’d not have had to ask, sir.

WARD is quiet for a while, then turns to NORBERT, extending his hand.

WARD
Hope you and yours do well here.

NORBERT
Happy hunting, sir.

WARD
Reckon if we fail at this, I got a letter you could send
to my kin, if by some miracle you find a way back home.

NORBERT
Billions of universes out there, sir.
But if it does come to that,
I’ll find a way to get it to them.

WARD
If we do win, well, got anything
you need sent back home?

NORBERT
(shakes head)
Ties to back home were severed
long before we got lost, sir.
(a pause)
Can you really trust the bastard?
He could be telling you what you want to hear.

WARD
A possibility, but then again it could be the truth.
Either way, we got a coordinates to the bastards and
if the dead fellow’s right, we got them all in one
sweet spot, ready to be shot to hell and gone.
Like damned fish in a barrel.

NORBERT
Well, generally fish in a barrel aren’t
armed and ready for an invasion.

WARD
The won’t be expecting an attack.
We’ll catch ‘em with their pants down,
sow some chaos and destruction and
probably kill this bitch named Atta.
I still owe her for tearing out a chunk
of my ship, that one time.

NORBERT
Can’t believe that all this time
they knew the way back home.

WARD
Makes me kinda regret razing their cities and stations to rubble.
I could have at least taken a few moments to hack into
their computer systems before salting the earth.

NORBERT
Hindsight is always 20/20, sir.

WARD
Unfortunately too true.
Well, best we get going.
Thanks for the hospitality.

NORBERT
I should be the one thanking you.
With what you’ve given us, the future does look
indeed brighter than it did not two days before.

WARD
It’s no problem, Norbert.
You and yours ever need anything, just drop us a line.
You know how to get in contact with us.

NORBERT
Deeply appreciate it, Ward.
I wish you luck.
Kill a few of the bastards for me.

WARD
I intend to.
(grins)

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – MORNING

GRIMM REAPER’S pacing on the deck of the Control Room. He pauses and hits a button.

The ship’s intercom comes on.

GRIMM REAPER
Hear ye, hear ye.
This is Grimm.
You bothersome flotsam man your posts. We’ll be shifting
as soon as we clear of this dusty place and we’ll be heading
into a fight, so be on your toes of we’ll
be having a nice discussion later tonight.

WARD enters the Control Room, glances around.

WARD
We’ll be entering blind, the caveman we talked to had a lot to say,
but nothing specific as to locations and distance. So keep your eyes
peeled on the scanners, keep your trigger fingers ready, and if you
screw up in your job and we die, then I’ll be kicking your ass in hell.
Got it?

CREW
Yes, sir!

WARD
Now, lets go kill us some non humans.

EXT. – SPACE – MORNING

The CF.net disengages from the station and moves out, moments later a vortex appears and they vanish in it’s maw.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – ENGINEERING BAY – DAY

GEDCA is standing before FEDERATION X, MIDGARD, ROMULUS AGUSTULUS, BULGARKOTONOS, DARK SLAVIK and FORTYSEVEN.

GEDCA
We’ll be in the fight of our lives, form what the captain says.
They’ll be systems crapping out on us left and right. Cap says
we don’t need the teleporters and there won’t be any boarding
actions so you goons aren’t needed, so Forty, you’ll be down here.
I need you to watch the core, make sure that twitchy thing don’t
decide to go kaboom on us in the middle of the fight. Fed, you’re
on shield duty, keep the damn thing running or else we’ll just be a
tin plate ready for holes to be punched into. Bulgar and Rommy,
you two will be on emergency service, if there’s a fire, a breech, or
something, you’re the ones on it, Midgard you’re on weapons, make
sure those babies keep firing or Ward’ll be pissed, Slavik keep those
damn things you make in their cages, if any get lose and cause havoc
while we’re in a fight, Ward says I got permission
to toss you out the nearest airlock. Got it?

DARKSLAVIK
Sure.

GEDCA
Now get to your posts.

Everyone heads out. GEDCA stands for a moment and then walks to a bulkhead.

GEDCA
(patting bulkhead)
When this is all over, I’ll fix you up nice and pretty,
I’ll even dab on a nice coat of paint, okay?

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

SCARECROW
Entering normal space, sir.

WARD
Everything up and running, boys.
Shoot anything that shoots at us first.
Merry, look for that damned portal, we destroy
it first before we entangle in any real fights.

MERRYPRANKSTER
On it, sir.

SCARECROW
Insertion into normal space…

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The CF.net exits from a vortex.

Pull back and we see scores of ships near it. Pull back even more and we see more vortexes opening and closing, ships coming and going.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

SCARECROW
Holy crap, that’s a lot of ships.

FAEELIN
Sir, we’re getting a lot of comm traffic. This place is an
organized mess. If we don’t get spotted, we can probably
get through undetected. Half these
ships aren’t even a standardized design.

GRIMM REAPER
Looks like they’re pulling in all the
ships they can get their hands on.

WARD
Their main fleet was destroyed when we burned
their homeworld. This must be those that were left over.

MERRYPRANKSTER
Got it, sir. A big portal contraption,
over what appears to be a dead earth.

An image comes on view, a large portal, It’s active and filled with swirling colors.

WARD
Damn, they’ve started the show early.
Can we tell if they’ve gotten a lot of ships through?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Unknown, sir, but something that big, I’m guessing it
takes a while to warm up, if you know what I mean.

WARD
Looks like our plans just went down the crapper.

GRIMM REAPER
Time to sow some chaos, sir?

WARD
Do it.

GRIMM REAPER happily moves to a console and hits a few buttons.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

We see a few shuttle bay doors open and from it fly a half dozen shuttles.

The shuttles head toward nearby ships.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
(grinning)
It feels like that one time I got to kick Santa in the crotch.

WARD
For a fat guy in a red suit, he could take punishment.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The shuttles detonate in violent explosions, the six ships vanish, along with those surrounding it.

INT. – CF. NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
Its a good day when you start it
off with an antimatter explosion.
(grins)

WARD
Get us to the portal, Scarecrow. All haste.

SCARECROW
Yes, sir.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE- DAY

ADIKOR
We’ve just got reports of explosions.

ATTA
What?

ADIKOR .
It’s chaotic, but it seems nearly a
dozen ships went up in fireballs.

ATTA
An attack? Who?
(realization)
It’s Ward, I know it!
Find that ship and blow it up!

ADIKOR
Yes, mistress. Coordinating search.

ATTA
Damn you, Ward.
How did he find out?

ADIKOR
I’ve got an image, mistress.

ATTA
On screen!

ADIKOR
Yes, mistress.

An image of the CF.net is shown on the viewscreen.

ATTA
All ships, attack it!
Arm main cannons.
I’m itching to see what they’ll do.
(grins)

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The CF.net is begin attacked by surrounding ships, yet that barely slows it down. The attacking ships are outclassed and out gunned, they blossom in silent explosions around the CF.net. A swath of devastation is sliced through the armada.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
Looks like we’re getting the welcoming committee.

WARD
They seem pleased to see us.

GRIMM REAPER
Once again our reputation proceeds us.

WARD
No. If it did, they’d be al shitting their pants and running.

GRIMM REAPER
Got a high opinion of your reputation, no?

WARD
Hell yes.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE- DAY

ADIKOR
We got a lock, mistress.

ATTA
Fire!

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Space flashes white and a bolt of energy slams into the CF.net.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Everyone is thrown from their posts, only SCARECROW and WARD remain seated.

WARD
What the fuck was that?

MERRYPRANKSTER
We’ve got systems failing all across the ship.

GRIMM REAPER
Shields down to thirty percent.
One more hit and well be so much chucks of debris.

WARD
I guess the bastards have got a few weapons.
Fire main cannon!

GRIMM REAPER
Firing!

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE- DAY

The bridge is tossed about.

ADIKOR
Shields are holding.

ATTA
(grins)
Well, now it seems Ward
has a challenge on his hands.
Keep firing, destroy him!

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GRIMM REAPER
I guess we’re not carrying the big gun here are we?

WARD
That bitch has been busy.
Evasive maneuvers, get to that portal.

SCARECROW
Got it!

WARD
When we get in range blow the shit out of it, understand?

GRIMM REAPER
My pleasure, sir.

WARD
You got any of those shuttles left?

GRIMM REAPER
One or two.

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

Bolts of energy flash, we pull in and see the CF.net dodging and zig zagging, enemy fire grazing their shields or missing. Around them, ships detonate and are destroyed. The PONTER is moving after them, slower and bigger.

It fires a bolt of pure white light.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Everything pretty much explodes on the bridge.

GRIMM REAPER
Weapons down!

MERRYPRANKSTER
Shields gone!

SCARECROW
We’ve still got propulsion.

FAEELIN
Reports coming in. Everything’s pretty much shot to hell.
Shift engines are down. We can’t get out of here.

WARD
Damn it.
Grimm can you still launch those shuttles?

GRIMM REAPER
Yes.

WARD
Do it, send them for the portal.

GRIMM REAPER
Got it sir.

WARD
Scarecrow, take us into the portal.
Everything we’ve got.

SCARECROW
Yes sir.

INT. – FLAGSHIP PONTER – BRIDGE- DAY

ADIKOR
They’re making a run for it, mistress.

ATTA
We’ve got them on the ropes.
Fire everything at them.
Get them before they reach the portal.

ADIKOR
They’re launching some shuttles.
(a beat)
I’m reading antimatter in them.

ATTA
Destroy them. They’re trying to destroy the portal!

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

The CF.net vanishes into the portal.

A shuttle is shot down by a ship, the resulting explosion envelopes the ship, also destroying it.

The second shuttle hurtles toward the portal, but before it gets there is destroyed. The resulting explosion tears chunks from the portal.

A flash of light, the vortex collapses and everything is quiet, except for burning ships and the devastation caused by WARD

ADIKOR
The portal is down, Mistress.

ATTA
Damn.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Smoke fills the Control Room, there’s sparks sparking, and the view screen flickers, a blurred image of earth before them.

WARD gets to his feet, surveying the damage.

WARD
Did any of the bastards make it in before or after us?

MERRYPRANKSTER
Unknown sir.
We’re sitting blind.

WARD
Get the damned thing working.
And clean up this mess.

GRIMM REAPER begins shouting orders to the crew. WARD settles back into his chair.

FAEELIN
Sir, we’re getting a transmission.

WARD
Hostile?

FAEELIN
Don’t know sir.
Putting it on speakers…

VOICE
Unidentified ship.
You have entered Unity Space.
Power down and be prepared to be boarded.
You will not be warned again.

GRIMM REAPER
Get a visual on those ships.

SCARECROW
Trying…

The view screen flickers to clarity. We can see a score of large ships forming a wedge before the CF.net.

Pull in and we see blue and grey colors, a two hands cupping an earth, the words UNITY etched beneath it.

GRIMM REAPER
I… those…
I think we’re home…

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

MANY, MANY, MANY YEARS FROM NOW…

An older and grayer GREY WOLF is sitting on a chair, a very large bottle sits before him. He stares at it with a gaze usually held by men staring at topless women dancing on a stage… or topless women jumping up and down.

Gray reaches for the bottle, suddenly –

TOW HEADED BOY
(big eyed and hopeful expression)
Uncle Grey, can you tell us a story?

PAN AROUND and we see scores of Tow Headed Children looking at GREY WOLF with big eyes and practically oozing innocence.

GREY WOLF
What?
(blinks)
What the hell you mean
tell you a bloody story?
Can’t you see I’m busy?
Sod off, you lil’ wanker.

TOW HEADED GIRL
But, Uncle Grey, Uncle Weapon M
said you’d tell us a story.

GREY WOLF
What?
(blinks)
That bloody Colonial said I’d tell
you a sodding story? Get your lil’
arses outta here before ya feel the
back of my hand!

PAN OVER to a table occupied by older and grayer PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MATT.

MATT
Gery’s got a way with the kids, don’t he?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(slow and drawn out)
Yep.

PAN BACK to GREY WOLF

GREY WOLF
Now you get back to your
bloody parents and go bother them.

TOW HEADED BOY
We can’t. Mommy #4’s in labor.

PAN BACK to MATT and PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

MATT
Jesus. How many has that
woman produced?
Eight?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yep. #4 spits them out like Pez.

MATT
(laughing)
Yeah. Othniel coverts to Mormonism
and he goes at it with a vengeance.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
He did say, if you’re gonna
do something, do it right…

Back to GREY WOLF and the TOW HEAD HORDE OF CHILDREN.

GREY WOLF
Ah, bloody hell.
(long pause)
Fine, gather around you daft
pillock. I’ll tell ya a story.

TOW HEADED GIRL
Can it be a Christmas Story?

GREY WOLF
I’m not taking bloody requests!
(a moment’s pause)
This is a Christmas story…

SFX: wavy flashback thingy.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS”

Written By : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – NIGHT

MANY MANY MANY YEARS AGO (LAST YEAR) …

X-MAS EVE PARTY

PAN ACROSS the Mess Hall, we see the gathered crew, there’s much talking, laughing, and much, much, much drinking. In one corner plays a holographic orchestra, pumping out Christmas Music.

PAN to DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF. GREY WOLF staggers up to a table laden with booze and food.

GREY WOLF
I loves me some eggnog!

GREY WOLF pulls out a big bottle of brandy and fills his large cup, then adds a few drops of eggnog.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, Grey. You’re supposed
to add a bit more nog.

GREY WOLF
Bugger off. We of the British
invented Eggnog. Don’t tell me
how to drink my nog!
(drains cup)
Now, on to the harder spirits!
(grabs brandy bottle and wanders off)

DOCTOR WHAT
Merry Christmas!

GREY WOLF
Bugger off, Canuck!

DOCTOR WHAT looks about and pulls out a bottle of scotch from his coat and prepares to dump the contents into his mug, but stops. Instead he looks about, sets aside his mug, and drinks from the bottle.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ahhhh…gotta love Christmas.

PAN TO a large and elaborate looking sleigh on wheels being pulled across the Mess Hall. On it lounges IRONYUPPIE, daintily sipping on a jug of booze. Pulling the sleigh is LANDSHARK, dressed in a reindeer outfit with a large blinking red nose, harnessed to the sleigh, and a sipping on a cup of tea.

PAN OVER to MATT and WEAPON M exchanging gifts. MATT tears the wrapping off his, to reveal a large and deadly looking gun. WEAPON M tears off the wrapping on his gift to reveal a large and deadly looking gun.

MATT
How did you know?

WEAPON M
How did you know?

They laugh.

PAN TO G.BONE and GBW exchanging gifts. G.BONE opens his to reveal a heavy reference book, GBW opens his to reveal a large stack of porn.

G.BONE
(sarcastic)
Yay. A book…

GBW
(sarcastic)
Yay. Porn.
(a beat)
Why all the porn, anyway?

G.BONE
Er… what you don’t want girly mags?
I can get you ones with guys on it…

GBW
What? What’s the supposed to mean?

G.BONE
Err…

GBW
I’ve clearly stated my sexual preference
many a time. Has no one read the Database?

WEAPON M
Dude, if you don’t want to porn, I’ll have it.
I’ve gotta fire off a few rounds from my
weapon anyway. And I’m not talking about
my new gun.
(everyone stares)

QUICKLY PAN TO STRAHA and OTHNIEL

OTHNIEL
(outraged)
Marijuana? You gave me Marijuana?

STRAHA
(outraged)
What the hell am I gonna do with a bible?

A beat, he then tears out a page and rolls a doobie.

STRAHA
Only good thing these are made for…
Rolling blunts and shit paper.

OTHNIEL stares at him.

OTHNIEL
You evil Non Believer!
(Lunges at Straha)

Suddenly a scream of pure terror interrupts the festivities.

MICHAEL
You sick bastard!
You sick bastard!

PAN TO MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN, MICHEAL is shuddering, a unwrapped gift lying on the floor. Among the paper is a rubber duck.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(laughing gleefully)
It’s only a damned duck!

MICHAEL
You sick bastard!
And after I went through all the
trouble of purchasing genetic
material of Alyson Hannigan
for you to clone! You do this??!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(a long pause)
Oh.
(looking ashamed)
Look, I’m-

MICHAEL attacks PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
HELP!

PAN TO TORQUMADA and THANDE exchanging gifts. TORQUMADA opens his to reveal a book entitled, THE JOYS OF CHEMISTRY and THANDE opens his to reveal a book entitled, THE JOYS OF PLAYING WITH HUMAN BODY PARTS. They both give forced grins.

TORQUMADA / THANDE (in unison)
Oh, wow.
This is such a great gift.
(a low mutter)
Where’s that damned/bloody
trashcan/rubbish bin?

PAN TO where DMA and HENDRYK are arguing.

HENDRYK
Hey, look. I’m not trying to convert you
or anything, just wanted you to see th-

DMA
You doubt the word of Holy Sheep?
Jihad on your arse!

KIT
(rolling eyes)
They always get into fights.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(nodding)
Indeed. No such things as
religious tolerance among the two.

KIT
So you want to unwrap your gift?

PULL BACK and we see KIT wearing only a oversized bow.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
As long as you want to unwrap yours…

PULL BACK and we see ABDUL HADI PASHA wearing only an oversized bow.

PAN TO an intercom, we hear:

LEO CAESIUS
(sighing)
No one bothered to get me a gift…
**prior to Leo getting his robot body**

Suddenly the ship violently shakes, tossing about half drunken, brawling AH.comers.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell was that?
Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
We’ve just entered a new universe.
Scanning…

DOCTOR WHAT
New universe?
(to Dave)
Dave! It thought I said to
leave the Shift Engines off?

DAVE HOWERY looks confused, in his hands is a T-shirt reading: I BURNED AND PILLAGED MY WAY ACROSS CANADA IN WORLD #5673216 AND ALL I HAVE LEFT IS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT. DIAMOND stands beside him, trying to open a carton of cigarettes.

DAVE HOWERY
Shift Engine off?
Wait, I can do that?

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
What’s the situation, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
I’m still scanning.

MICHAEL
(still strangling Psychomeltdown)
He needs an upgrade I tells you!

LEO CAESIUS
Alert!
Alert!

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell?

WEAPON M
Time to test out my new gun!
Weee-heee!

MATT
Damn straight!

LEO CAESIUS
Alert!
I’ve picked up signatures of the CF.net!

DOCTOR WHAT
(gasping)
Our arch nemesis?
Here?
To stations everyone!

Everyone stands around looking at DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
Please?

Everyone shambles out of the Mess Hall.

IRON YUPPIE
Onward, Rudolph!
(cracks whips)

LANDSHARK
Ouch! That hurts.

IRON YUPPIE
That’s the point, Rudolph.

FADE OUT.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s up?

LEO CAESIUS
Still processing.

GREY WOLF
Bullocks!
I’m going to get a drink.

LEO CAESIUS
Alert!
We’ve got a ship heading
in our general direction.

DOCTOR WHAT
How general?

GBW
Oh crap!
We’ve got a ship on
a collision course!

DOCTOR WHAT
Landshark!
Evasive maneuvers!

LANDSHARK
Huh?
I don’t pilot this bloody thing

DOCTOR WHAT
But… but your position is head pilot.

LANDSHARK
Like bloody hell it is!

LEO CAESIUS
Actually it is.

LANDSHARK
Damn.

Suddenly the ship rocks and there’s sounds of an explosion.

DOCTOR WHAT
Er.. What the hell was that?

LEO CAESIUS
Uh.. Looks like the ship crashed into us.
I’m reading hull breach on deck seven.
Containment fields holding.

DOCTOR WHAT
I thought we had the shields up?

DAVE HOWERY
Shields? Oh, those things were taking
up too much power, so I tuned them off.

DOCTOR WHAT
Turned them off? They’re our
main defensive system!

LANDSHARK
I thought that was running
away like little Nancy girls?

DOCTOR WHAT
That too!
(to Dave)
Get those shields back up!

DAVE HOWERY
Fine!
(muttering)
Do this. Do that.
Never happy.
Damned Canuck…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN (over comm)
Yo! There’s a ship sticking into the side
of our hip. I’m taking a team to investigate.

DOCTOR WHAT (into comm)
I didn’t say you could do that.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN (on comm)
Hey, man. This plot needs to progress.
Over and out…Er.. roger?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DECK SEVEN – NIGHT

WEAPON M, MATT, OTHNIEL, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are approaching what appears to be a shiny capsule poking through the hull.

WEAPON M
Shall I shoot it?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No. I think we should say hello.

OTHNIEL
H-Hello?

Suddenly a bright red beam shoots out and hits Othniel. He falls to the floor.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Shoot it!
(runs off)

WEAPON M
This is for Othniel

MATT
This is for all the times I’ve never been
allowed to shoot first and ask questions later!

WEAPON M
This is for all the times I’ve been laughed
at when taking a shower in a locker room!

MATT
This is for all the times I thought I had
bladder control issues when sleeping and
found out that you guys had been putting
my hand into a tub of warm water for the
last two years!

WEAPON M
Heh. That one was cool…

The two men open up on the capsule.

Suddenly a voice calls out from the capsule

VOICE
We surrender!
We surrender!

The two men keep shooting.

VOICE
God damn it! I said we surrender!

WEAPON M
Damn. No fun.

MATT
Two damn years I thought I was pissing myself
I even stayed awake for three weeks because of it!

The Capsule opens up and out steps a beautiful woman in a skimpy red mini skirt trimmed with white fur, upon her head was a red stocking cap. Behind her calmor our a few small figures, three feet high, long pointy ears, and wearing green colored clothing. They all huddled behind the woman.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Holy shit. She’s hot.
(clearing throat)
I’ll take it from here boys…

WEAPON M
Fuck no. Finder’s keepers…
(drooling)

WOMAN
We surrender. Just take us to your
captain Ward and be done with it.

MATT
Captain Ward?

WEAPON M
What the hell is she talking about.
(to Woman)
This is not the CF.net ma’am.
This is the AH.com.
We are sworn enemies of the CF.net

The WOMAN stares and suddenly looks happy.

WOMAN
You are?
I’m so glad.
You can help us then.

MATT
Help you with what?

WOMAN
My husband’s been kidnapped by Captain Ward.
We need to rescue him.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Who’s your husband.

WOMAN
Santa Claus.
I’m Mrs. Claus.

WEAPON M
Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR A – OUTSIDE BATTLR ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT and DIAMOND are walking down the corridor.

DIAMOND
I heard she was hot.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then I guess I’ll have to put on the charm…

DIAMOND
Doesn’t being MRS. Claus mean she’s married?

DOCTOR WHAT
Never stopped me before.

DIAMOND
Actually it has. Remember last week?

DOCTOR WHAT
(far away look)
Oh, yeah… That.
(shakes head)
If anything I can steal her genetic material
and make a clone of her to do things evolution
never intended to be done to a human body.

The two enter the Battle Room, the doors swishing open before them. DOCTOR WHAT stops and stares as he sees MRS. CLAUS.

DOCTOR WHAT
Holy shit.

DIAMOND glances downward.

DIAMOND
(exasperated sigh)
This is why I’ve been telling you to wear
something other than a skintight leotard
when you meet someone of the opposite sex.
How many times must we go through this?

OTHNIEL
(moaning in distress)
Oh, where art thou, Fork?

DMA
Don’t worry, Oth.
That lil’ thing isn’t gonna hurt you.

HENDRYK
Take that back, foul Sheepist!
The Great What is hung like a Mule!

DMA
A microscopic mule, maybe!

HENDRYK lunges at DMA, they begin fighting.

GBW
(wringing hands in distress at the fighting)
Someone make them stop.
All I wanted was a happy Christmas!

DOCTOR WHAT seems oblivious to everything going on.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll be in my ready room.

DIAMOND
(sighing)
Fine, Doc.
(Doctor What scurries away)
Well, let’s get this meeting on the road, kids.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – NIGHT

MRS. CLAUS stands up, clearing her throat and looking about nervously.

WEAPON M
Hey, honey. If you’re nervous,
just picture me naked, with my
giant swinging cod between my legs.

KIT
You have a swinging piece
of fish between your legs?

GBW
That would explain the smell.

MRS. CLAUS
Er… Thank you all for rescuing me,
even though you tried shooting my
escape capsule after I crashed into your ship.

IRON YUPPIE
Now, now, dear. Just tell us what happened.

MATT
(whispering)
Why is Yuppie suddenly all nice to the woman?

MICHAEL
(whispering)
She’s probably maneuvering to shag her.
(a beat)
Damn, there goes my chance.

MATT
(snorting)
Like hell you had a chance.
Maybe you can score with the little people.
(points to the Elves behind Mrs. Claus)

KIT
Don’t dismiss it until you’ve tried it.
Just think, they’re just the right size
and the ears make for easy gripping…

MICHAEL
Oh, man. I didn’t need to hear that…

MATT
Ugh.
(shudders)
Just got a mental image.

BACK TO MRS. CLAUS.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Tell us what happened.
So we can get these bad men.

MRS. CLAUS
Well, a couple of days ago this ship came to our planet,
a ship that looks almost like yours. They came, saw, and
attacked the North Pole. We fought them off for several days,
but this afternoon we lost the fight. My husband was
captured and I was forced to escape with a few people.

DAVE HOWERY
Ward. How much eviler can he get?

DIAMOND
It’s Christmas Eve, y’know…Don’t that
mean the fat guy’s supposed be asleighing?

MRS. CLAUS nodded.

MRS. CLAUS
That’s the most horrible part. For 10000 years
we’ve always brought gifts to the people of the
world and for the first time, it’s in danger of not happening.

LEO CAESIUS
Ten thousand years???

MRS. CLAUS
Yes. Santa’s workshop exists in a small
side dimension where time doesn’t move.

LEO CAESIUS
Oh? That’s very interesting.
I’ll need to take a look at that…
(long beat )
Oh, yes. No body…

STRAHA
Dude, is this just me or is this sounding more
and more ridiculous the more she talks? Granted
she’s hot, she’s gots a rack only seen on porn stars
and an ass I could ride ‘til Armageddon, but
you’re all taking her story for the truth. She
might be some crazy seductress trying to infiltrate
our ship and destroy us. Ever think of that?

WEAPON M
Fuck off, Straha.
Let the woman talk!
(a roar of agreement from everyone)

GBW
I also have my reservations on what this
woman is saying. We cannot just take it
for the complete truth, that’s just illogical.

STRAHA
That’s just ’cause you’re gay.

GBW
I’m not gay! I’ve stated my sexual preference
more than once! Has no one read the Database?

ABDUL HADI PASHA
So let me get this straight.
Ward and the CF.net have
attacked Santa’s Workshop?
(Mrs. Clause nods)
They’ve taken it over, capturing Santa?
(Mrs. Claus nods)
And now it’s Christmas Eve and there’s
a possibility that Santa’s not going to be
delivering presents?
(Mrs. Claus nods)
I’m with Straha. This woman’s a nutjob.

MATT
(whispering)
I’d like a nutjob from her.
(giggles)
Get it? Nutjob.

MICHAEL
Dude, she so heard you.
(Mrs. Claus staring in wide eyed horror at MATT)

MATT
Damn.

The door suddenly swishes open and in walks DOCTOR WHAT, carrying a large briefcase before him and walking a bit hunched over.

DOCTOR WHAT
You heard the lady.
We have a mission.
The CF.net’s out there, they’ve
attacked an innocent planet!
Most importantly:
WE HAVE TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

DIAMOND
Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me!

Fade out

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – NORTH POLE – NIGHT

WARD stands upon a catwalk, sipping on a cup of coffee. GRIMM REAPER walks up behind him.

GRIMM REAPER
Looks like we’ve got company.

WARD
You capture the Mrs.?

GRIMM REAPER
Nope. She was picked up by newcomers.
Give you a guess.

WARD
The Albino Sun Worshippers
from World #8462216?

GRIMM REAPER
Nope. The AH.com.

WARD
Why am I not surprised?

GRIMM REAPER
’cause they always show up when
we’ve got some evil plan in the works?

WARD
They’ve got an unhealthy ability to
show up in almost every world we go to.

GRIMM REAPER
Does seem a bit strange, almost like they’ve
been following us. I mean what’s the chances
in all the billions of worlds that they’ll come
across a world we’re on?

WARD
Hell if I know.
Get the boys ready.
Do the painful hurt thing.
Just keep them off planet
until I’m done.

GRIMM REAPER
Yes, sir.

PULL BACK as WARD continues to sip his coffee, looking down from the catwalk. Below him, thousands upon thousands of machines are working away, building something…

WARD
Oh, Happy Christmas.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ARMORY – NIGHT .

MATT and WEAPON M are loading up on weapons.

MATT
You know what, Lee?

WEAPON M
What’s that, Matt?

MATT
Our lives are turning out
like some shitty sci-fi series.

WEAPON M
How’s that?

MATT
Every week we battle some
baddie from some universe.
Now, we’re friggin saving Christmas…

WEAPON M
What you don’t like Christmas?

MATT
No. I like Christmas. But don’t you
think this is kinda clichéd? How many
stupid sci-fi episodes were made about
someone saving Christmas and learning
the true meaning of it at the same time?
This fucking Santa gets into more trouble
with getting captured on Christmas Eve
than Doc What gets into when it comes
to chicks with muscular thighs.

WEAPON M
I hear you. But let’s be glad that this isn’t some
shitty sci-fi show written by unimaginative hack writers.

MATT
Amen to that, Brother.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT, TORQUMADA, and THANDE are walking down the corridor.

THANDE
I still don’t understand why I can’t go?

TORQUMADA
We’re not gonna bore them
to death with chemistry talk.

THANDE
That’s not what I do!

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re making a strike into the
North Pole, guys. We can’t take everyone.

THANDE
You just don’t want me to come along!

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not denying or confirming that, Thande.

TORQUMADA
Doc here just wants less guys around Mrs. Claus.
(grins)
Thin out the competition, eh, Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not confirming or denying that, Torq.

THANDE
Great. I get left behind because some
bird saunters in and distracts everyone?

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s pretty much the Standard Operating Procedure,
Thande. Now quit your yapping and go playing with yourself
…er your chemistry set.

THANDE
Chuffin’ wankers.
(stalks off)

TORQUMADA
Did you see the rack on that woman?

DOCTOR WHAT
Did you see my reaction to the rack on
that woman? I’m not one to steal another
man’s woman, but she’s one except-

OTHNIEL rounds the corner.

OTHNIEL
Sir, we’re ready to go, sir.
All weapons loaded, all gear stored,
everyone’s gettin’ on the shuttle.

DOCTOR WHAT
Cool.
Well, Mr. Torqumada,
it’s off to battle we go.

TORQUMADA
Oh, great. Just don’t die.
I don’t feel like trying to
bring someone back from
the dead on Christmas Eve.

OTHNIEL
I’ll inform Mrs. Claus
we’re ready to go.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Why don’t I do that?
(winks)

OTHNIEL
She expressed…er some …
er concerns over your…er
performance last time you
met with her.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, that was just a natural reaction. I can’t help it.

OTHNIEL
I think all the ogling, attempts at groping, and…
er other reactions to her presence is taking its toll on her.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just hand it to the crew.
The first hot chick on come on board
and they make fools of themselves.

TORQUMADA
(laughing)
Wonder how Iron Yuppie’s taking this.
Everyone’s attention’s all on the new
woman on board.

OTHNIEL
Er… Weapon M and MATT had to restrain
her from breaking into her quarters and,
as she put it, “havin’ some fun”.

DOCTOR WHAT
Is it just me, or did anyone
else find that arousing?

OTHNIEL
(averting gaze)
I’ll be on my way, sir.

TORQUMADA
Damn it, Doc.
I have a pill that’ll stop that from happening.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? I’m okay with it.

TORQUMADA
No one else is.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh.
I just thought…
Never mind.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – NIGHT

The Away Team is gathered. Along with the elves brought along by MRS. CLAUS, they’re all loading weapons and equipment. WEAPON M eyes one of the elves field stripping an assault rifle.

WEAPON M
Hey, Knee High.
You want something a bit smaller.

TRIPOD
Name’s not Knee High, asshole.
It’s Tripod.

WEAPON M
(laughing)
Tripod?
What kind of name is that?

TRIPOD
’cause the weapon I got tucked in my pants
is bigger than anything you got in your puny arsenal.

WEAPON M
Yeah? Wanna bet?

MATT
Come one, Lee. Not again.

WEAPON M
I’ll show Shin Kicker here
who’s packin’ the bigger gun.

MATT
Dude. He’s only three feet high.
What could he be packing?

TRIPOD
What?
(walks up to MATT)
You want a piece of me, pencil dick?

MATT
Dude, we’re allies here.
No need to fight.

Suddenly… BAM!

TRIPOD punches MATT in the crotch. He goes down with a high pitch squeal.

WEAPON M
What the fuck.
You little –

BAM!

WEAPON M hits the floor groaning.

TRIPOD
I’m 5000 years old. You think I don’t
know how to deal with shit stains like you?

WEAPON M
Will… hurt… you….

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, it looks like we’re getting along smashingly…

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – OUTSIDE MRS. CLAUS’ QUARTERS – NIGHT

OTHNIEL stops, coughs, and straightens the tie he’s wearing. Then he hits the door bell.

The door slides open and he stares, mouth agape.

SHOT from inside the quarters looking out at OTHNIEL. We see only the silhouette of Mrs. Claus, enough to realize she’s nekkid.

MRS. CLAUS
Ah, I knew you’d be coming.
Why don’t you come in and
have some cookies, I make the best.

OTHNIEL
(stammering)
Er.. uh… I think we’re ready to leave now…

MRS. CLAUS
(grinning)
Fine how about you just come in and
we’ll have a quick romp in the sack?

OTHNIEL
(small voice)
I thought you were married…

MRS. CLAUS
10000 years of marriage to the same
man can get a little boring. What the
Mr. doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

OTHNIEL
I.. I.. I think we should go…

MRS. CLAUS
(pouting)
Fine. This was your one
and only chance, kid.

OTHNEIL only can stare as she prepares for the journey.

EXT. – SPACE– NIGHT

A shuttle leaves the ship, heading down to the planet.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

LEO CAESIUS
ALERT!
ALERT!

GREY WOLF
Someone’s got to bloody turn that off.
I’m getting’ a sodding headache.
(takes long pull from a flask)
what’s going on?

GBW
Sensors are picking up the CF.net ship.
They’re coming in on an attack vector.

GREY WOLF
Then engage them.
I’ll be in my quarters…
(wanders off)

GBW
What? Wait! Sir!
(Grey Wolf leaves)
Damn.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER lounges in the command chair.

BULGAROKTONOS
Sir. The AH.com’s approaching on an attack vector.

GRIMM REAPER
Itching for a fight, eh?

BULGAROKTONOS
Looks that was sir.

GRIMM REAPER
That was a rhetorical question, Bulg.

BULGAROKTONOS
Uh… what does rhetorical mean?

GRIMM REAPER
Open up with the main guns when in range.

BULGAROKTONOS
Yes, sir.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GBW looks panicked.

GBW
(panicked)
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

LEO CAESIUS
(sighing)
Fine. I’ll do it.
No one ever thinks of me, yet I’m
the one who has to save all your asses.

GBW
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

EXT. – SPACE – NIGHT

The two ships come at one another, suddenly the AH.com spins away, firing it’s particle cannons and dodging around the fire from the CF.net. The ship dance about the CF.net, lancing out fire upon it. Suddenly an explosion rocks the CF.net and it’s running lights go dark.

The AH.com ship moves away from the damaged ship.

INT. – CF.NET SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GRIMM REAPER sits on the command chair, looking a bit confused.

GRIMM REAPER
Did we just lose a fight?
To the AH.com?

BULGAROKTONOS
We’ve lost main power,
we’ve lost weapons,
we’ve lost shields.
We’re screwed.

GRIMM REAPER
The AH.com beat us?
How messed up is that?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GBW looks wide eyed at the monitor.

GBW
Holy shit. Did we just win a battle?
Against the CF.net?
Holy shit.

LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE suddenly enter the Control Room.

IRON YUPPIE
What’s with all the shaking and alarms?

LANDSHARK
Yeah.

LEO CAESIUS
We’ve just engaged the CF.net and won.

IRON YUPPIE
Have you been drinking, Leo?

LANDSHARK
I tell you there’s something
wrong with his programming.

GBW
No. We did just fight them and we won…

LANDSHARK
Who’s piloting this damn thing anyway?

LEO CAESIUS / GBW
Piloting?

LANDSHARK
’cause we’re headed toward a
big fucking asteroid thing.

View screen shows a large asteroid before them, getting bigger and bigger.

LEO CAESIUS
Aw, shit.

CRASH!

Black out

LEO CAESIUS
Ow.

EXT. – NORTH POLE – NIGHT

The shuttle lands and the crew/elves get out. In the distance you can see the horizon filled with what looks like huge smokestacks and other industrial buildings. The away team fan out, MRS. CLAUS and DOCTOR WHAT talk.

MRS. CLAUS
There’s a secret entrance about a mile from here.
We’ll use that to get into the subbasement of
the Compound. I believe that they’re holding
Mr. Claus in the dungeons-

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait, you guys have dungeons?

MRS. CLAUS
Focus, Mr. What.
We’ll rescue Mr. Claus, get him to the
Power Plant and then shut off the power.
Then we’ll take care of Mr. Ward.

DOCTOR WHAT
What exactly is Ward doing here anyway?
Beyond being evil and stealing Christmas?

MRS. CLAUS
Santa’s Workshop has some of the most
advanced technologies in five billion universes.
It’s also one of the biggest industrial centers
in ten billion universes. They’re here for that.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn.
(to everyone)
Alright! Here we go!

The Away Team heads out across the snow.

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – CONTROL CENTER – NIGHT

WARD is sitting a chair, looking angry. On the desk before him is a monitor showing GRIMM REPAER.

GRIMM REAPER
We’ll be a while in repairing. Though luckily
the AH.com smashed into an asteroid a moment ago.
We’ll be able to deal with the shuttle that landed.

WARD
You’d better. I want things to go
as smoothly as possible here.
Production has finally begun and
it’ll be a bit before we’re done.

GRIMM REAPER
We’ll be back and ready to fight soon, sir.

WARD
So be it.

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – SUB BASEMENT – NIGHT

A grate opens up and the Away Team clamors out, the Elves holding point and MRS. CLAUS and DOCTOR WHAT bringing up the rear.

DOCTOR WHAT
(whispering to MATT)
Man, she’s got an ass I could
take a bite out of.

MATT
Uh.. I think she heard you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

SLAP!

MRS. CLAUS smacks DOCTOR WHAT.

MRS. CLAUS
Next time, I would appreciate it if you’d
focus on what we have to do now, other
than remarking on my ass.

DOCTOR WHAT just nods.

MATT
(snickering)
Sucker.

INT. – DUNGEONS- NIGHT

The Away Team enters the Dungeons.

FEDERATION X is sleeping sitting in a chair. WEAPON M walks up and bludgeons him, knocking him out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well that was easy…

The Elves quickly open a cell and drag out a man dressed in red rags.

SANTA CLAUS
(groaning)
They hurt me in so many delicate places.
(sobs)

OTHNIEL
Ward is evil.

MATT
Barely realizing that?

OTHNIEL
Who would beat up Santa Claus?

WEAPON M
(far away look)
I would…

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s get to the Power Plant and stop
Ward from doing whatever it is he’s doing.

The Elves help SANTA CLAUS out and the rest of the Away Team follows. Suddenly DOCTOR WHAT stops.

WEAPON M
Hey, Doc. What’s up?

DOCTOR WHAT
You guys go to the Power Plant,
I’ll go and find Ward.
He needs to be stopped.

WEAPON M
Dude, it’s your funeral.

Everyone heads out.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? No one wants to back me up?
(shrugs)

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT comes to a stop and listens. The sounds of gunshot can be heard. He pulls out his gun and moves slowly toward it.

He heads down a corridor and comes to a large open door, from it come the sounds of gunshots and screaming.

DOCTOR WHAT looks in and see. ROMULUS AGUSTULUS, firing a gun into the air, yelling something. His back is turned to the door and he’s yelling at a group of huddling Elves.

ROMULUS AGUSTULUS
You’re small. You have pointy ears.
You live forever! You wear bells on your shoes!
This doesn’t fit in my mental framework,
therefore you all must die!
(fires into the air)
I cannot suspend my belief
and I have no imagination!
Therefore you all don’t exist
and you all must die!

DCOTOR WHAT shakes his head and enters the room. He calmly walks up to ROMULUS AGUSTULUS and whacks him on the head with the butt of his pistol. ROMULUS AGUSTULUS drops to the floor, unconscious.

DOCTOR WHAT
(to the elves)
What was this all about?

ELF
He went crazy once he realized that
his pheromones weren’t making us
sexually attracted to him. He’s been
yelling like this for the last two hours…

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Look. I’m kind of in a hurry, could
you guys take care of him? Tie him
up or something. I got bigger fish to fry.

ELF
Will do, Mysterious Man. If you’re
looking for the leader of these guys,
take the stairs at the end of the corridor,
it’ll lead you to the Control Center.

DOCTOR WHAT nods and heads out.

ELF
Alright, boys.
Grab him and pull down his pants.
(Elf pulls out a pocket knife)
Let’s see how this fits into
his mental framework!

DOCTOR WHAT pauses as he hears screaming, shrugs and continues on.

EXT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – NIGHT

A gun battle is blazing away before a large facility marked POWER PLANT. The Elves, AH.commers, and the Claus are huddled in the now.

WEAPON M
Damn, they’ve got this place
secure tighter than a snare drum.

MATT
Hey, that’s not stopped us before!

WEAPON M
(pulling out rocket launcher)
For CHRISTMAS!
(fires)

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – CONTROL CENTER – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT enters the office and holds his gun ready. Across the room is a darken figure sitting at a desk.

WARD
So, come to fight me man to man?

DOCTOR WHAT
Looks that way, don’t it?

WARD
Guess you’re stupider than I thought?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, everyone makes that mistake.
Mostly by those that are looking to kick my ass.

WARD
And are they right?

DOCTOR WHAT
Most of the time..

WARD stands up.

BANG!

DOCTOR WHAT shoots him. WARD laughs.

WARD
Body armor, kid. Never
leave home without if.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well. I’ll remember that…

The two lunge at one another.

WARD grabs DOCTOR WHAT, shoves him against the wall and begins hitting him. Six to the face, four to the ribs, and a knee to the crotch. He then tosses DOCTOR WHAT across the room,. He crashes against the wall, bounces off and falls to the floor. WARD walks calmly up to him.

WARD
That all you got?

DOCTOR WHAT
(gasping and spittin’ out teeth)
I’m haven’t begun…

WARD gives him three kicks to the gut. Suddenly the lights begin to flicker.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re nefarious plan is coming to an end…

An alarm rings and WARD grins.

WARD
Well, it seems you and
your friends are too late.
It’s done.

The lights suddenly shut off.

INT. – NORTH POLE – POWER PLANT – NIGHT

Fires rage and smoke fills the air. WEAPON M cradles someone in his arm

WEAPON M
Tripod! No!
We started out on the wrong
foot, but don’t die!
We can be friends!

TRIPOD
Damn it. I said I’m not dying.
It’s just a graze. Now stop
cradling me and let me go!

OTHNIEL
We shut down the Power Plant.

MRS. CLAUS
Yes, we did.
(eyes Othniel)
Want me to jingle your bells?

OTHNIEL
But your husband’s standing right there.

MRS. CLAUS
I think he has his eye on something else…

MATT
(to Weapon M)
Dude, I think Santa’s checking out my package…

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – FACTORY FLOOR – NIGHT

WARD walks down some stairs and up to a large machine with a red light blinking.

DOCTOR WHAT
(staggering after him)
I can’t let you get away with this.

WARD
You can’t stop me.

DOCTOR WHAT
I can die trying!
What ever abomination you’re creating,
I cannot allow for it to be released upon the world!

WARD
Abomination?
(laughs)

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s so funny?

WARD
What abomination am I making?

DOCTOR WHAT
You tell me.

WARD
I’m not here making abominations.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then why are you here?

WARD opens up the machine, to reveal a black box. DOCTOR WHAT backs away.

DOCTOR WHAT
A weapon of some kind!

WARD
No you fool.
It’s a slide projector!

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? A slide projector?
You’re fucking me!

WARD
Boy, you’d know if I was fucking you.
And yes, it is a damned slide projector.

DOCTOR WHAT
But all this. The capturing of Santa..

WARD
What can I say? I’m evil
Plus I needed the facilities. My last
slide projector broke a week ago.
I needed a replacement.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then why not just buy one?

WARD
And get some cheap thing that’ll break in a year?
No. I want one that’ll last forever! Santa’s Workshop,
with it’s advanced technology has created
a slide projector that will last forever.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re fucking kidding me.
(pulls out gun)
All this for a fucking slide projector!

WARD
And indestructible slide projector!

BANG!

DOCTOR WHAT shoots WARD, but the bullet is stopped cold by the slide projector.

WARD
See?
(laughs)

DOCTOR WHAT
Bastard!

Ward suddenly vanishes, his laughter echoing in the air.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fuck…

INT. – SANTA’S WORKSHOP – NIGHT

The Away Team and the Elves are gathered.

WEAPON M
Looks like the CF.net made a clean get away.

MATT
Our ship is crashed into an asteroid.

OTHNIEL
Guys, Mrs. Claus keeps trying to touch me…

DOCTOR WHAT
At least we saved Santa.

SANTA CLAUS
Thanks guys. No way I can repay you.

DOCTOR WHAT
Actually there is.

SANTA CLAUS
(laughing)
No there isn’t.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I still
have to deliver presents to the world.

WEAPON M
Now there’s a man committed to his job.
Neither hail, nor snow,
nor getting beaten and tortured…
(sighs)
Well, what did you learn about Christmas, Matt?

MATT
That Mrs. Claus is totally fuckable?
(grins)

WEAPON M
Seems to like the little innocent type.
(eyeing Othneil)

TRIPOD
And the Elves.

WEAPON M / MATT (in unison)
What?

TRIPOD
Yeah, we’ve been tapping that for centuries now.
Once the fat guy leaves, the elves come out to play…
(grins)

MATT
You got to be fucking kidding me…

Fade out:

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – NIGHT

MANY, MANY, MANY YEARS FROM NOW…

GREY WOLF leans back in his chair, the scores of Tow Headed Children gathered around him.

GREY WOLF
And that’s how we saved bloody Christmas!
(takes a swig of booze)
Now, get outta my face and
back to your bloody parents.

TOW HEADED BOY
So Santa’s real?

GREY WOLF
In that universe he is.

TOW HEADED BOY
Will we be getting presents?

GREY WOLF
It’s bloody July.
What do you mean,
are you getting presents.
Get out of here!

The TOW HEADED CHILDREN leave.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I remember that adventure…

MATT
Yeah. Funny how every year we came back
to that universe and saved that red sack of shit.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You’re just mad ’cause you
never got to bag Mrs. Claus.

MATT
Damn right!
She did everyone on the friggin’ ship!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(grins)
Aw, Christmas memories…

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – SEWERS – NIGHT

We go straight into the episode with a rather standard, dank, poorly lit sewer (of the large Victorian sort of course) . Gathered in the centre of the room are six men dressed entirely in grey jump suits with utilitarian haircuts. The only hint of colour on them is a small red badge on each of their necks.

STRAHA
So…what do….you…think of….leader.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Leader smrrrrrg….

NEKROMANS
I think leader…leader is big….do-do head

LEEJ
Yes…big…big…wan….big,
big wankoooo….big….wan-kah.
Leader….is….waaahnkah!

Suddenly the scene is lit up by search lights, a megaphone aplifyed voice booms out of the glare

VOICE
Statement Attention citizens! Upon the will of the almighty leader you
are under arrest! Collective charges read Six counts of unsanctioned
public meeting. Six counts of trespassing on government property. Six
counts of wearing colour other then grey. Six counts of thinking against
leader. One count of attempting to insult almighty leader. One count of
insulting almighty leader. Three counts of gravely insulting almighty leader….

CHRIS
SCATTER!!!!

The sound of gun fire kicks in as the six men run in off in all directions the fire three of the men including STRAHA and PSYCHOMELTDOWN go down. The scene fades with several other figures running through the lit area trampling the bodies as they pursue the others

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“THE THIN GREY LINE”

Written By : LEEJ

ACT I

INT. – AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM- DAY

We open up in the Control Room, a wide shot. We can see heat waves rising in the air; GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT are sitting on deckchairs each wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and sunglasses with a single electric fan blowing at them. Both are reading; Doctor What a rather tatty looking magazine called ‘Asian Sluts’ and Grey Wolf ‘Psychology for Dummies’. Grey Wolf also has earphones in his ears, we briefly focus on him.

SOOTHING VOICE
You are a wonderful, strong, human being,
you can do anything you set your mind to…

LANDHARK and GBW are also in the room at control panels obviously struggling to do their jobs in the sweltering heat. It does not help that LANDSHARK is wearing a full leather getup, which appears he has completely sweated through.

LANDSHARK
This is just…typical…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm? What was that Landshark?

LANDSHARK
One of our…longest…journeys yet and….
damn air conditioning is broken…

DOCTOR WHAT licks his finger and turns the page

DOCTOR WHAT
(unconcerned)
Oh yes, terrible, terrible.

LANDSHARK collapses slumped over his controls; his hand hits a big red button as he goes. The ship starts to shake with the remaining three men hastily grabbing onto something sturdy nearby.

GBW
We have left transit space…Might I
recommend a doctor for Landshark?

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF look at each other and nod before walking over to LANDSHARK, taking a arm each and dragging him towards the door. They have almost reached it when THANDE bursts in clutching what looks like an old fashioned till.

THANDE
Excellent! Excellent! We are finally out of transit space!
Now we can use my latest invention!

DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF drop LANDSHARK and walk over to get a look at the invention. GBW walks over to get a look too.

DOCTOR WHAT
What does it do?

THANDE
Oh it’s really quite marvellous! You pull this leaver
here you see and it tells you who you should take
for the current away mission!

GBW
Sounds interesting. So it uses scientific reasoning to
deduce from the conditions on the planet and the kind
of mission we are to undertake whose specialities
would be most needed?

THANDE
Err…yes. Something like that.
(gives a forced laugh)

THANDE puts his invention on a nearby flat surface.

THANDE
Go on! Give it a whirl!

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT look to each other for a moment then DOCTOR WHAT approaches the machine and tentatively pulls the lever. In the small windows at the top where the price would appear had this been a real till pictures of all the crew quickly flash by.

There are six spaces, the first one settles on GREY WOLF

DOCTOR WHAT
This…Its…Its nothing but a one armed bandit!

THANDE
Well.,…I suppose…technically….
But it helps you decide!

The machine keeps spinning. Next it settles on OTHNIEL, then STRAHA.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh come on, you know fine well that
we can’t take those two anywhere

Next is MATT. DOCTOR WHAT merely shrugs at this. The next person selected is LUKAEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
No way in hell am I taking him down to another planet!

The final slot lands on THANDE.

THANDE
Oh me? How lucky! Who’d have thought it!
Come on, off to the planet we go!

THANDE leaves the room in a hurry.

GREY WOLF
Lets just go to the teleporter room, we can always
decide on the crew when we get there.

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT begin to leave the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
You want to actually go on an away mission?

GREY WOLF
Why not? It’s a change you know. Besides.
I’ve recently read some…interesting stuff.

GBW
Sirs, I do believe that Landshark still needs a doctor

Seeing that LANDSHARK is still out DOCTOR WHAT and GREY WOLF pause in their step pick him up again before exiting.

DOCTOR WHAT
I suppose we can swing by TORQUMADA’s
on the way to the teleporter room.

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT both enter the lift.

GBW
You know you don’t even know where
we are or the conditions on the planet…
(shrugs and adjusts both Grey Wolf’s and Doctor What’s fans toward him)

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

The Med Bay is in a state of disarray with papers scattered about everywhere. TORQUMADA is the only one here; he is running around like a maniac between several computers typing furiously at each one. Enter GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT dragging LANDSHARK between them, with a burst of effort they heave LANDSHARK onto a table. GREY WOLF then goes off to the far side of the room to examine the various strange devices on the desk there. DOCTOR WHAT coughs ever louder for a few moments until he is noticed.

TORQUMADA
Ah! Excellent! Just the people I wanted to see! You see
this latest universe we have entered! Oh its very exciting!
Or maybe exciting isn’t the correct word…
Oh but it is very…Interesting!

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh? How so?

TORQUMADA leads the two men to a display screen covered in scientific gibberish

TORQUMADA
You see these emissions coming from the surface of the planet?
Pure GREY RAYS! I have long hypothesised that such a thing
could exist of course but this is the first time I’ve actually had
the pleasure of encountering them. Hmm…Maybe I can make
a bomb out of them…Or maybe I can use my wonderful skills
to make some sort of anti-grey bomb!

DOCTOR WHAT
AN ANTI-GAY BOMB!?!?
Isn’t that a bit harsh even for you?

TORQUMADA
No, no, no. Not an anti-gay bomb. An anti-GREY bomb. It will have
the opposite effect of these grey rays. It will instantly nullify any
grey rays in existence in the area. Or even better yet have the opposite
effect of any grey rays- I am quite interested to see what that is actually…
Oh I’m going to make such a powerful bomb…You see the Hyndrick
matrix means that in a stable bod…

DOCTOR WHAT
(interrupting)
Err yes…You do that we’ll be going now….

TORQUMADA
Excellent idea! Down to the planet you go to fetch some data on the
effect these grey rays have on life down there! I’d love to go myself
but when there is SCIENCE this exciting underway well I couldn’t
possibly leave…

TORQUMADA pushes GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT out of the room and closes the door behind them

TORQUMADA
And of course I’m not stupid enough
to subject myself to pure grey rays…
(spots Landshark)
Oh, what is this? A sweat drenched Englishman
reeking of leather and nutella…
(pulls out a scalpel)
This will be fun.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM- DAY

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT enter the Teleportation Tube Room. Already here is G.BONE at the control console, looking bored and flicking a bobble headed hula girl with his index finger, and MATT, STRAHA, OTHNIEL, THANDE and LUKAEL milling around the teleporter itself.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell…I didn’t authorise
them to go on a mission!

THANDE
Ah you see captain, that’s the beauty of my invention,
it automatically alerts the chosen crewmembers that
they are needed and tells them to come here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Dammit…What are we going to do…

GREY WOLF
(aside to Dr.What)
Don’t worry, I haven’t been reading that
psychology book for nothing, I have a plan…
(shouting)
Lukael! Oh Lukael!

LUKAEL
Yes Mr.Grey Wolf sir?

GREY WOLF
Lukael, you’re needed in the control room at once,
your mother phoned and she wants to talk to you

LUKAEL
Mom? OK!

LUKAEL runs out of the room.

GREY WOLF
(aside)
One down…
(shouting)
Oh Straha! Straha!
I’ve just received word your plants are on fire!

STRAHA
Ha! Yeah right. Like YOU could ever trick me.
You obviously haven’t seen this.

STRAHA produces a small book from his pocket and taps it- the title reads ‘Resisting psychology for dummies’

G.BONE
I haven’t got all day you know…

THANDE walks over to G.BONE and begins to scald him about the terrible attitude he has for his job. Whilst he’s doing this the others sneak onto the teleporter spaces- all five of them

THANDE
Wha…Wha…There’s only five spaces!

G.BONE
Yep

THANDE
Why on earth is that!?

G.BONE
It’s the type 325. It has 5 spaces.

THANDE
325? I thought we had the 673!

G.BONE
We did. We upgraded.

THANDE
325 is an upgrade from 673!

G.BONE
Not really, no.

DOCTOR WHAT
When you are ready please Mr. Bone.

STRAHA
(giggling)
He said bone…

The teleporter is activated and the screen fades out with THANDE still ranting at G.BONE.

EXT. – STREET- DAY

The street has no cars however it does have a few pedestrians. All of the people are wearing grey jump suits and have utilitarian hair cuts like the people in the introduction- a brief close up however shows they lack the red badge.
The buildings are all made of concrete, the road and pavements are grey and even a nearby post box is painted grey.

The crew teleport into the middle of a street and look around in an action pose.

STRAHA
(sarcastic)
Wow this place looks exciting, I’m so jealous
I don’t go on missions very often!

OTHNIEL
I think it looks nice…

GREY WOLF
Hmm…I certainly see what TORQUMADA meant
about grey emissions anyway. This place is…well…rather grey.

DOCTOR WHAT
Indeed…I wonder what happened here.

A voice booms out from off screen

VOICE
Order Stop right there!

The crew look around- all the pedestrians are staring at them in shock and another man is running towards them. He’s wearing a grey jumpsuit however its slightly different to everyone else’s, on the sleeves and over the heart is written in a slightly darker shade of grey ‘police’, he is also wearing a flat (grey) policeman’s hat.

COP
Statement You are under arrest for disobeying the will
of the almighty leader. Collective charges read; Six counts
of appearing in the middle of public street out of thin air,
four grave counts of wearing colours other then grey, two
dire counts of wearing colours other then grey.

The last one was obviously directed towards GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT who are still dressed Hawaiian style.

STRAHA
Woah, woah, look here…We….have permission
to be dressed like this….We are…The supreme
leader’s top secret undercover colour wearers!

COP
Statement I have never heard of such a thing

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh we’re new. Err…go check
with the supreme almighty leader.

COP
Statement Use of almighty leader’s name in such a way
must mean honesty. Statement Sorry for bothering you
citizens. You may be on your way.

OTHNIEL
Oh its alright, you were just doing your job after all,
I’m sure you’re doing a very good job of keeping the
streets clean of those damned nasty colour wearers.

COP
Statement Heavy use of opinion detected! Extrapolation
You are not sanctioned by leader! Conclusion Arre….

The cop collapses in a heap having just been hit over the head by a large plank of wood from behind. Holding the wood is LEEJ. Matt has a slight look of anger on his face the prospects of violence having just been dashed.

LEEJ
Statem….St….Straha….You…Alive…
We….Fear…Worst…It…good

LEEJ approaches STRAHA and tentatively puts his arms around him in a rather pathetic attempt at a manly hug.

STRAHA
Woah! What the fuck are you doing.

MATT
(smirking)
I think he likes you.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Aren’t they a cute couple?

STAHA
(angry)
Quit fucking hugging me!

LEEJ recoils in shock and GREY WOLF quickly clips STRAHA around the ear- STRAHA rubs his ear and looks at GREY WOLF but doesn’t respond.

GREY WOLF
Oh err…Excuse Straha…For he is of course the Straha
from this universe…You see the…pressures of having
narrowly escaped death you see…Has us all on edge.

LEEJ
I…understood…understand….Follow…You must…
Follow….Not safe here….Follow

The crew look amongst themselves and shrug seeing no better course of action. LEEJ leads them past the stunned onlookers into an alleyway; he opens up a manhole cover and climbs down. The crew cautiously follow him down, STRAHA is the last to go and he can visibly be heard humming the ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ theme song as he closes the hatch behind himself.

INT. – SEWERS- DAY

It’s a similar dank drippy sewer to earlier. LEEJ is leading the crew down a long area.

LEEJ
Straha…Thankful is everyone….Will be everyone….
We fearerised worst…You…Bullets were shot…

STRAHA
Yeah well…Sorry for bothering you bud. Bullets can’t
hurt me you should know that. So err just out of interest…
Where the hell are we going anyway?

LEEJ
Top…Secret….Rebellion headquarters…Cell….Gamma.

LEEJ leads the crew through a narrow ‘doorway’ and into a relatively large sewer room not unlike the den of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. There are a few rather crappy looking beds and old bits of furniture. On one wall a bit of red cloth hangs from the ceiling and just next to it is a radio.

There are four other men in the room-NEKROMANS is scraping away at the wall with a spoon inside what looks like a fireplace, two of them are asleep on the beds and not visible, the other is CRAIG who runs over to the crew.

CRAIG
Straha….Living…Nice. We…celebrate….We smoke….

STRAHA
(excited)
Yes!?!

DOCTOR WHAT interrupts

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m sorry to get your hopes up but there’s been some
kind of mistake….This isn’t your Straha.

LEEJ
But…He appears….To be….Straha…

DOCTOR WHAT
He’s…A different Straha.

LEEJ
How…Can…it be?

DOCTOR WHAT
OK listen here,err…Who are you exactly?

LEEJ
Leej…I…Comrade…Leej…Leader cell gamma…
At least… Now…Leader cell gamma…Gone.

DOCTOR WHAT begins to explain the concept of alternative realities and the scene fades out. It comes right back with DOCTOR WHAT, STRAHA, GREY WOLF, OTHNIEL LEEJ and CRAIG sitting around a rickety table just as DOCTOR WHAT finishes his explanation- MATT is off at the far end of the room pacing.

LEEJ
This…Interesting…I ask Am I…Have you had
fortune to encounter…World where I am…God-emperor?

OTHNIEL
Err…no. Sorry.

STRAHA
There was that one where you were
some dumb alcoholic blind guy!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes and…err…You were
prime minister of Britain once!

OTHNIEL
Sorry but your alternatives
are sadly under represented…

LEEJ
Prime minis…ter….This is…nice.

CRAIG
Am I on…Any worlds?

DOCTOR WHAT
Err…Who on earth are you?

CRAIG
I Craig…I Leej’s…Comrade.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never heard of you.

Craig looks crestfallen as everyone else stands up.

DOCTOR WHAT
So…Leej. What can you tell me about what you do here?
What’s that red cloth over there for instance?

LEEJ
That…Flag of rebellion…
Comrade Highlander design…
Took him…Many weeks….

STRAHA
(Jokingly under stating)
Not very creative are you people?

LEEJ
We…most creative on planet!….We…Rebellion…
Force for change!…We…Radicals…Imagination…Dangerous! We….
I…Only one…Dare say…Supreme leader…he be….Wanker.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah…I see….

OTHNIEL
Well it stands to reason that on a planet such as this even their
monster raving lefties would be pretty nice and right by our standards.

STRAHA
Dull you mean?

OTHNIEL
There is tranquillity in calm. I wonder how I
could go about buying a flat here….

DOCTOR WHAT
No its clear what we have to do here, we must help
the rebels in their overthrow of this ‘supreme leader’

MATT quickly runs over upon hearing the prospect of some action.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now tell me Leej. How exactly do you intend to overthrow the leader?

LEEJ
We…Tunnel…Dig….Blow up…Grey emission device…Stop greyness….
Been digging…Many months….Eventually…Will manage. Device…
kept by leader….Kill device…Ki….ki…hurt leader

LEEJ points over to NEKROMANS’ rather pathetic tunnel.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm…I think there could be another way

GREY WOLF
TORQUMADA and his anti-grey bomb?

DOCTOR WHAT
Exactly

MATT
Aww…I want to get my hands dirty!

GREY WOLF
I must say I agree with Matt here

OTHNIEL and DOCTOR WHAT
You do!?!

GREY WOLF
Yes…Well no…But I would like to meet
this leader before we unleash the weapon.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why?

GREY WOLF
Oh I think it could be…enlightening.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmm…Oh very well, its your day out. I’ll tell
TORQUMADA to step up the work on his anti-grey
device, until then lets go see the leader. Matt, would
you mind giving them a hand with the tunnel?

MATT grumbles at this not being what he meant by getting his hands dirty but heads over to the ‘tunnel’ anyway, he throws NEKROMANS out of the way and starts punching the wall furiously quickly making heavy progress.

LEEJ
I…thank you…Freedom…Will be ours…

ACT I

ACT II

INT. – CAPITOL-CORRIDOR- DAY

It looks like a fairly standard science fiction corridor, all grey…very bland. There is a glass roof however for some reason. The camera focuses on the floor where there is a practical explosion and MATT climbs out followed by the rest of the crew.

OTHNIEL
Hmm it seems Leej’s calculations were somewhat off…

STRAHA
(sarcastically)
Never saw that one coming. He seemed a right sharp
character that Leej did. Very with it.

GREY WOLF clips STRAHA around the ear.

DOCTOR WHAT
What now?

Everyone looks around confused for a moment before STRAHA points to a sign down the corridor, its in the shape of a arrow and says “This way to almighty leader”.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thoughtful of them. Let’s go then.

Everyone walks off down the corridor, the scene cuts to a identical (though it isn’t the same) corridor where the crew have stopped at a door.

DOCTOR WHAT
Its through here then?

MATT loads his machine gun and attracts a glare from DOCTOR WHAT, GREY WOLF and OTHNIEL

GREY WOLF
We’re here to talk. Not hill him.

MATT
Spoiled sport

The crew open the door. Through it is…A guard room. Several heavily armed figures wearing power armour are stood right in front of them. The armour is entirely grey except for a few see through spots over their muscular arms.

STRAHA
(jokingly stating the truth in a meme fashion)
Err…It’s a trap!

The guards run at the crew and MATT fires off his machine gun at them. It has no effect and everyone bar MATT quickly surrenders to the guards who surround them. MATT however charges at a man whose uniform says ‘leader’ on the shoulders. A brief battle ensues however MATT is soon subdued.

The scene once more cuts to yet another corridor. The crew are being marched in single file by the guards.

OTHNIEL
Where do you suppose they are taking us?

STRAHA
Oh well I don’t know Othniel. Where would a bunch of heavily
armed super Nazis be taking a bunch of guys they’ve just found
snooping around their ultra secret headquarters?
You don’t suppose it’s the zoo do you?

GUARD
Demand Silence!

The GUARD slaps STRAHA across the face powerfully but not enough so that he is damaged.

The crew are marched on for another few seconds with STRAHA checking that his nose is still in place, eventually they stop at a large metal door and the lead GUARD approaches it and touches an intercom next to it.

GUARD
Statement Almighty leader, sir. I have brought the
dangerous criminals of unknown origin.

A mighty booming voice speaks out from the communicator.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Excellent! Bring them in!

The door opens and the crew are hustled through.

INT. – CAPITOL-CORE- DAY

The core of the capital building is a rather large room with the same science fiction appearance as the corridor. There are a few doors similar to the one everyone has just entered scattered around at even intervals and it has the same glass roof (much, much higher in this case) however the entirety of the room is taken up by a unusual cylindrical machine (?) in the middle.

The machine is in two parts- the top is attached to the ceiling in the middle (where it takes the place of the glass) and looks like four pincers pointing downwards.
Then follows a relatively large gap before we get to the bottom of the machine which has the same pincers pointing upwards, beneath these is tall burgundy curtain not unlike those you would find in the theatre which is concealing the very bottom of the machine.

The lead GUARD approaches the machine and removes her (?!?!) helmet- her hair is shaved and she has several gold teeth.

GUARD
Statement Almighty leader! We your loyal servants
stand ready to exact your punishment upon these villains!

Electricity crackles around the pincers for a moment then a huge holographic image of a floating head appears between them. He looks somewhat like the Norse God Thor.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Excellent work; You may now leave us! It has been
so long since someone dared to challenge my power,
I shall deal with them myself!

The GUARD promptly salutes then heads towards the exit, as she walks past the crew the other guards fall into line behind her.

As she passes the crew the camera notices MATT looking at her funny- presumably due to realising he’s had his arse kicked by a girl.

The door closes behind the guards and the crew spread out to speak to the leader.

STRAHA
(overly sarcastically)
She seems like a nice woman

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Oh she is; excellent cook too.

The crew look amongst themselves in surprise.

DOCTOR WHAT
That sounds suspiciously like an opinion

The ALMIGHTY LEADER spits (holographicly) as he speaks.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Of course it is you pathetic worm! I am the almighty leader
of all! I am the sole purveyor of opinion on this planet!

GREY WOLF
(aside to the crew)
Ah now this all makes perfect sense…

ALMIGHTY LEADER
What! What was that! Speak up! I hear all! I know all!
Admit what you said and I shall go lenient on you!

GREY WOLF
I said you look a lot like a god!

OTHNIEL
Grey Wolf! How could you!

The ALMIGHTY LEADER now gets very smug seemingly forgetting punishment, revelling in the praise

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Ha! But of course I do! For I am practically a god am I not?

GREY WOLF
Indeed you are! I bet you have a magnificent physique also!

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Oh yes! Of course I do! I won Mr.Universe ten years
running back before all such opinion reliant
competitions were shut down!

GREY WOLF
Yeah about that…

ALMIGHTY LEADER doesn’t like having the rain of compliments broken.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
What!! Explain yourself at once you…you PATHETIC WORM!

DOCTOR WHAT
(aside)
I hope you know what you’re doing…

GREY WOLF
I thought opinion was banned in this world?
How do you let me get away
with such blatant oppinioneering?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
That was not opinion! That was fact! I am the
Almighty Leader! Extolling my virtues is as
much fact as saying the sky is blue!

Everyone looks up- it is a rather overcast day.

STRAHA
It looks grey to me

ALMIGHTY LEADER
WHAT!!!

STRAHA
The sky isn’t blue its grey. Any idiot can see that

ALMIGHTY LEADER
HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY
JUDGEMENT! MY WILL IS ABSOLUTE!

GREY WOLF
You see, now that’s the problem

ALMIGHTY LEADER
WHAT!!!

GREY WOLF
The thing isn’t that opinion is evil. It’s that any opinion
other then yours is evil. Am I not right on this?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
HOW DARE YOU! I SHALL CRUSH YOU AT ONCE!

A look of straining crosses his face.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Oh dammit…err…you there!

OTHNIEL
Me?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Yes you! Would you mind pulling that red button over
by door number eight for me please?

The camera pans to the big red button- above it is a message that says ‘machine gun power breaker’.

GREY WOLF
Now I don’t think that would be in our best interests do you?
That is not the issue at stake however. We must really get down
to the crux of the matter. How did you come to be supreme
dictator of the known world and clamp down on opinions
other then your own so mercilessly?

Taking this as a compliment ALMIGHTY LEADER mellows.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Through the power of my supreme strength, intelligence
and charisma!! It all began back in 1981, I was ch…

While the leader is busy blabbering away GREY WOLF whispers to OTHNIEL.

GREY WOLF
On my que please pull that curtain over there

OTHNIEL looks confused but heads to the curtain all the same- the leader is too wrapped up in his own thoughts. When he is in position GREY WOLF interrupts- the leader looks angry at first but on hearing more compliments changes back to ‘happy mode’.

GREY WOLF
Charisma you say? Could you tell me more about your magnificent charisma?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
My charisma is legendary! As I said I won Mr.Universe ten years running!
And I was on the cover of Smash Hits magazine five times! And I always
won the sexiest male award in every single award ceremony- there were so
many of them I didn’t even have the time to go and fetch all the trophies.
Once I was in a shop and I asked for milk but the old lady behind the counter
was so enthralled by my magnificence she had a heart attack and
died on the spot!! And then the…

GREY WOLF is making minor noises of encouragement and interest as the leader blabbers on. At this point he nods to OTHNIEL who pulls the curtain to reveal a glass tank- Within the tank is a rather impressive array of computers, in the centre of which stands a very short man dressed in regal robes. He is not pleasant on the eye and is obviously getting on in years- he has a terrible comb over.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
HOW DARE YOU DO THAT YOU PATHETIC MORTAL!

The look of straining passes over the holographic image whilst the man quickly presses a lot of buttons.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Dammit…Erm…You there!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Would you be the helpful fellow and press the red button by do…

DOCTOR WHAT
Nope.

ALMIGHTY LEADER
CURSES!
I swore I would deal with you myself
and deal with you I shall!

GREY WOLF
No, no, no, please wait. I feel we’re really making some
progress here. Now; Can you tell me about your parents?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Swine!
Perfidious fascist communist swine!
The day my mother died was the day I was free!
The house was mine! All mine! No longer was I
her prisoner! I was free to take my own destiny and
that of the entire world into my hands!

GREY WOLF
How old were you when this um…happened?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Thirty four. For thirty four years I was forced to live with that witch!
This horrible bitter wretched woman! It was my father’s fault! When
he ran away with that woman from Tescos it changed her! Changed her!
ALAS MOTHER! MOTHER YOU SWINE!

GREY WOLF
Aha, aha, and um what can you tell me about your childhood?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
What do you mean?

GREY WOLF
Well…How about school. How were things at school?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
School! That accursed building where they alter young minds
into shapes more befitting the role of the societal wage slave!
School! The other children! They made things hell! But I showed
them all! I crushed them! They were first against the wall when
the revolution came! Well…First after the old government of course.

GREY WOLF
Of course

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Those other children! The inferior wretches that they were!
For they bullied me! They lavished beatings and harsh words
upon me on a daily basis! And why? Was it jealousy for my
superior intellect?! Alas no; those pathetic worms cared not
for such important matters! Those wretches! They made fun
of me purely for…for…

GREY WOLF
Yes…?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
My name! Alas my name!

GREY WOLF
I….see. And what may I ask is your name?

ALMIGHTY LEADER
Obbell Wenmo Rentafac Ibu Yagsep
Tixud Oco Netub Scisat Eevume Lintis
Enadud Cu Dane Williams

DOCTOR WHAT quickly interrupts whilst OBBELL takes a deep breath

DOCTOR WHAT
Blimey that is a long name; I can see
how things would have been tough…

OBBELL
(angry)
I’m not finished yet!

MATT checks his watch.

MATT
How much more is there? I mean first all of Grey Wolf’s
weird head hurty stuff and now this…

OBBELL
Ten

OTHNIEL
And how long are these ten words?

OBBELL
Its not ten words, its ten minutes!

A look of horror cross the face of all.

GREY WOLF
OK, no need to read them all out. I think we get the point.
One thing stands out in my mind however- how could
you be picked on for that name?

OBBELL
What do you mean?

GREY WOLF
Well it doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue does it?
Obbell Wineo Rentafax I do Yager…whatever.
Not really the stuff schoolyard bullying is made of.

OBBELL
How so?

GREY WOLF
Well it doesn’t RHYME very well.
Most people’s names have at least one
insulting rhyme. For instance What the swot…

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey!

GREY WOLF
Matt the pratt…

MATT
Do you WANT a black eye?

GREY WOLF
Othniel the surreal

OTHNIEL
What? Did you say my name Grey Wolf?

GREY WOLF
Straha the spakha

STRAHA
Who the fuck are you calling a spakha you friggin idiot.
What the hell even is a fucking spkha?

OBBELL
HA! WRONG! That doesn’t rhyme.
Its spakka, not spakha.

GREY WOLF
Yes..Well…You get my
point though don’t you?

OBBELL
I suppose I do…But why else would
they pick on me if not for my name?

The crew look amongst themselves awkwardly…All except for STRAHA.

STRAHA
Because you’re a bald, ugly dwarf?

OBBELL
WHAT! How dare you address me so! I WILL CRUSH YOU!

MATT
You and what army? Your machine gun button thingy is broke.

OBBELL touches a button on his controls

OBBELL
This one!
Guards! The intruders! Destroy them at once!

The six huge heavily armed women burst into the room and converge on the crew who back off steadily until they are all stood cornered, back-to-back. As women draw ever closer with clubs raised ready to bash Matt notices the head guard is directly in front of him.

MATT
Wow…You…you…You’re hot!

GUARD
Statement Irrelevant. You have disobeyed the will
of the almighty leader. Conclusion Disobeyers of
wills are to be destroyed.
Reason So says the almighty leader.

MATT
But…The curve of your lips,
the depth of your eyes, the way the…

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t think this is the time….

MATT
The wonderful…POWER you can
just see in those muscles!

The guard cocks her head at MATT.

GUARD
This is opinion. This is…Disobeyed….So says
almighty leader…But…Pleasant feeling…
Opinion…Not…. STOP!!!!!

All the other guards stop instantly in shock as this one throws herself on MATT and the two start snogging furiously.

GUARD 2
Statement Kate is in state of supreme arousal.
Statement Feminine arousal is good.
Reason So says almighty leader on almighty leader’s
bi-weekly fun time. Extrapolation Arousal is achieved
via strange men. Logical course of action engage
in lip lock with strange men

The crew look at each other in horror obviously not having MATT’s unusual taste in enormous, muscle bound women. The guards put away their clubs and begin approaching the crew again with lips pert ready for kissing and eyes closed.

The crew all quickly run out of same door (on the opposite end of the room to the one they originally entered) .

OBBELL
Guards! Seize them at once! I am
the almighty leader! Obey my will!

The guards all snap out of their semi-trance like state and look around confused.

GUARD 2
Question Where have foreign men gone? Extrapolation
Foreign men not interested in us. Extrapolation All men
not interested in us. Conclusion All men…
EVIL BASTARDS! DESTROY THEM!

Yelling furiously the women draw their clubs once more and charge at OBBELL leaping over MATT and KATE/GUARD (who are still engaged in lip lock and beginning to shed armour) as they go.

They start furiously attacking OBBELLS tank, sparks fly and cracks appear in the glass. The scene fades out with OBBELL’s shouts of protest ringing over the smashing.

INT. – CAPITOL-CORRIDOR- DAY

The crew come into view all running furiously down the corridor occasionally glancing behind themselves, they dash into a side alcove and all collapse into a sitting position breathing heavily

GREY WOLF
I think we’ve lost them…

OTHNIEL
Poor, poor Matt….

STRAHA
I don’t know; he seemed to be enjoying it to me…

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah well…Rather him then me…

DOCTOR WHAT’s communicator pipes up.

TORQUMADA (comm)
I’ve finished it! The anti-grey rainbow
bomb has been completed!

STRAHA
Wow! What amazingly coincidental timing!

GREY WOLF clips Straha around the ear and gives a quick look directly towards the camera.

DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent. Prepare for immediate deployment.
Repeat Immediate deployment.

TORQUMADA (comm)
Really? You’re sure? You don’t want to put it through rigorous
safety tests, demand that I tone down its strength and eventually
deploy it in a year or two; long after the original reason for its
creation has passed? Wow…Well. If you insist captain then it
seems I have no choice but to unleash this glori…err…
necessary weapon of mass destruction

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait!

TORQUMADA
(comms)
I knew it

DOCTOR WHAT
What about us? Don’t we need protection?

TORQUMADA (comm)
…right…err…Of course you do…I wouldn’t err…
dream of harming any of you because…You know…
I love you all so much….err…Protection, protection…hmm

The sound of TORQUMADA hastily rushing around on the ship knocking things over can be briefly heard over the comms.

TORQUMADA (comm)
OK, I’ve cleared it with G.Bone.
The protection SHOULD be with you in a few ticks.

No sooner has he said this then five large packets- about quarter of a metre square appear in front of the men.

OTHNIEL
What on earth…?

DOCTOR WHAT picks up one of the packets from the top of the pile and after a quick examination opens it. From it he pulls a giant pink condom. OTHNIEL makes the sign of the cross to this.

OTHNIEL
Oh dear god…

STRAHA grabs DOCTOR WHAT’s hand and speaks into the communicator.

STRAHA
Err dude, I appreciate the
compliment but not even a horse co…

GREY WOLF clips STRAHA around the ear again.

TORQUMADA (comm)
Its for your head you blithering idiot

DOCTOR WHAT
(aside to GREY WOLF)
Why do you keep doing that anyway?

GREY WOLF
Negative reinforcement

A look of ‘hmm…I’ll have to try that’ crosses DOTOR WHAT’s face

OTHNIEL
But…Is this allowed? I mean
they say…Contraception…Its…

DOCTOR WHAT
Do it, that’s an order

OTHNIEL
But…Its…contraception.
Destroying potential life

DOCTOR WHAT
No its quite the opposite actually. Its saving life.
By pulling that giant pink condom over your head
you are doing the lord’s work.

OTHNIEL thinks about it for a second then nods. The four men grab a packet each and pull out a condom, which they then stretch over their head.

STRAHA
Ouch! The pain! Agh!!!

DOCTOR WHAT
You’ve got it on inside out you berk!…Grr there’s no time
for that now. Just…Try to keep all your…Openings closed.
We’ll see about getting that thing off when we get back to the ship

STRAHA collapses to which DOCTOR WHAT simply rolls his eyes. He pulls up his condom a bit to allow his mouth to be out then speaks into his communicator

DOCTOR WHAT
OK, we’re ready!

GREY WOLF
Mmph, mmph, mmph

DOCTOR WHAT gives a brief quizzical look so GREY WOLF pulls up his condom then speaks again

GREY WOLF
What about Matt?

DOCTOR WHAT
Matt…Well….Matt is happy.
We’d best not disturb him

TORQUMADA
(comms)
Here is goes! Mwa ha ha ha!

GREY WOLF and DOCTOR WHAT hastily pull down their condoms all the way. The screen goes white and the camera briefly focuses on the faces of the three remaining crew members each horribly distorted by the translucent pink plastic and the ‘extreme pain and agony’ expressions etched on their faces.

The screen gets ever whiter all the time until it is entirely this colour. After a few moments a rainbow shoots across the screen- followed by another- then another.

EXT. – STREET- DAY

It’s the same street we saw earlier only this time it is freakishly well lit.

People are running around in panic as rainbows shoot around the screen, whatever the rainbows hit looses its grey colouring and instead of gaining realistic normal colours gain utterly gaudy, practically cartoon-like colouring.

The camera closes on the COP from earlier, he dodges one rainbow, then another, but then one bounces off a pink wall opposite him and slams him square in the chest.

The policeman is knocked to the ground and we can see intense pain etched on his face for a moment; then however we get an enormous grin. The camera pans out a bit to show the whole of the policeman’s uniform- now sky blue with pink trimmings. The policeman pulls himself and the camera follows him, he then walks away from the camera in an immensely camp fashion wiggling his arse as he goes.

ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP-CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Gathered in the control room is LUKAEL, GREY WOLF, DOCTOR WHAT, STRAHA and TORQUMADA

LUKAEL
Another world liberated from vile villainy!
Hooray for the ah.com crew! Hip, hip…

Straha clips LUKAEL around the ear

STRAHA
You didn’t do anything you idiot.

LUKAEL
Sure I did! I helped the Torque-meister!

TORQUMADA
Don’t call me that.
And as I recall events you wouldn’t stop pestering me so
I said you could help by cleaning my door.

LUKAEL
And I did it didn’t I?

DOCTOR WHAT ruffles LUKAEL’s hair.

DOCTOR WHAT
Sure you did, good boy. Run along now,
we’ve got a debriefing to do

LUKAEL leaves the room looking very pleased with himself, straight after he exits MATT- whose power armour is bright yellow with pink flowers painted on it enters the room and takes his place around the table.

MATT
(camp)
Hi, hi, sorry I’m late.

GREY WOLF
Do you mind if I go too? I am
rather tired, its been a busy day…

GREY WOLF doesn’t wait for confirmation and leaves the room.

STRAHA
And I’ve got to…water my plants

STRAHA also leaves.

DOCTOR WHAT
I wonder why everyone’s in such a hurry…

DOCTOR WHAT looks towards MATT who waves to him camply and blows a kiss.

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah. Now that I think about it I have…Something.
To do too. Any thoughts on the mission? No? Fi…

OTHNIEL
I have one

DOCTOR WHAT
Grr…..err….yes?

OTHNIEL
I fear we have just doomed those poor people to eternal damnation,
just look at poor brother Matt here and due to the act he was engaged
in when the bomb hit he was somewhat protected from its worst effects.
I fear that we have just created yet another world full of sinners…

TORQUMADA
I doubt that…

OTHNIEL
Oh? How so?

TORQUMADA
Well the very nature of their ‘sin’ means there won’t be much
of a world down there after a generation or so…

A brief look of horror crosses the faces of DOCTOR WHAT and OTHNIEL at the possibility they have just wiped out a entire civilization. The camera fades out with MATT getting ‘a bit too close’ to OTHNIEL.

EXT. – STREET – NIGHT

The same street yet again this time covered entirely in the horrible gaudy colours. The camera focuses on a manhole which is opened and out from it climbs LEEJ and co. Their clothes have turned into still rather bland pastel shades (being underground having let them escape the worst effects) . The men each look around the street rubbing their eyes in intense confusion.

COP
You there!

LEEJ, CRAIG and a female rebel are the only ones visible. A look of horror crosses LEEJ’s face at recognition of this policeman’s voice. The rebels slowly turn to look towards the voice the camera going with him, standing right there is indeed our COP in his ultra-camp uniform.

LEEJ
Have I…Done something…Officer?

When the COP speaks he has lost his stern, authoritarian nigh on robotic manner and instead speaks horrifically camp.

COP
You have indeed mister!

LEEJ is confused but still the fear that this is the COP is overriding.

LEEJ
What…Is it…?

COP
Those clothes! Ugh! So…BLAND! Ouch! You are
under arrest for not being FABULOUS!

CUT TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT.-AH.COM SHIP-CORRIDOR-DAY

We see MICHAEL walking down a corridor. He passes by a crew quarter door (marked IRONYUPPIE’S LAIR) when he notices that the door is open.

Glancing quickly up and down the corridor, MICHAEL hesitantly walks into IRONYUPPIE’s quarters.

IRONYUPPIE’s quarters look like some kind of bizarre combination of dominatrix dungeon, barbarian queen bedchambers and gun shop. There are numerous whips, handcuffs and guns hanging on the walls and virtually every available floor surface are covered with animal furs and skins of all kinds. The bed is massive and heaped with bearskins.

MICHAEL notices sitting in the corner a bizarre leathery egg about the size of his head. Its top is wide open. MICHAEL hesitantly walks over to it.

He hovers over the egg, peering inside, when suddenly a look of horror appears on his face.

A geyser of pea-soup looking vomit erupts forth from within the egg, spraying MICHAEL from head to toe with the stuff.

MICHAEL is frantically wiping the stuff off of him when we hear a voice from offscreen.

IRONYUPPIE (o.v.)
It looks like you’ve woken him up –
and just in time for playtime, too!

REVERSE SHOT-IRONYUPPIE’S QUARTERS-DAY

We are seeing IRONYUPPIE’s quarters from the corridor side. IRONYUPPIE is standing at the entrance. We see her hand reach over to a button on the side of the door.

We see the door slowly close shut.

CLOSE-UP – MICHAEL’s FACE

We see a look of abject horror on it.

CLOSE-UP – DOOR

We see it slam shut with a loud clang. A second or two later, we hear a bloodcurdling scream.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“ARENA OF DEATH & PAIN & OTHER BAD THINGS”

Written By : DOCTOR WHAT

ACT I

EXT. – SPACE – AH. COM SHIP – DAY

The Ah.com ship appears out of a vortex and settles into orbit around a mostly yellowish-brown planet.

INT. – AH. COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

We see DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, DIAMOND, LANDSHARK, and THANDE sitting at various stations. A viewscreen shows a shot of the planet from high orbit.

DOCTOR WHAT
What have you got for us, Leo?

LEO
Not very promising, DOCTOR WHAT—preliminary scans indicate
that this is a dead Earth. Most of the planet’s surface is
covered with desert or rock. There are a few small pockets
of vegetation around various water sources but generally
speaking there is little or no life here.

MATT
No hot babes?

LEO
None.

DIAMOND
No booze?

LEO
Nope.

DOCTOR WHAT
Porn?

LEO
None whatsoever.

The Control Room crew contemplates a planet with no hot babes, booze or porn. They all give a shudder of fear.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh well—they can’t all be winners. Leo, prepare to –

The ship’s power suddenly flickers and dims. Emergency lights kick in a few seconds later.

LEO
(frantic voice)
Main power is offline! Emergency power
at 70%. Shields and weapons are down!

On the viewscreen a bright white ball of light about 30 feet or so across suddenly appears in front of the ship.

VOICE
(deep and foreboding)
(the whole ship actually shakes from the volume of the voice)
WHO DARES TO DISTURB MY SLUMBER?

DOCTOR WHAT
(quiet voice)
Er…so sorry…didn’t mean to bother you…
just passing through…we’ll be on our way in just a few—

VOICE
(almost normal volume voice—ship no longer shakes)
Ah—what fascinating creatures I see before me…
bipedal creatures… limited intelligence …fairly
weak strength… poor fashion sense …
no useful fighting ability…

LANDSHARK
Hey! I resent that! Just because a guy owns more than thirty pairs
of shoes and four wardrobes doesn’t mean he couldn’t kick the living
shit out of anyone who suggests he’s less than manly! I mean—
have you any idea what sort of damage a six inch stiletto
can do to the human body?

VOICE
(cont.)
Evidence of primitive humour… apparent delusional impression
that they can inflict physical harm on myself… fairly violent
tendencies… most intriguing…I must study this further…

We suddenly see DIAMOND and THANDE disappear in a flash of light.

Mass pandemonium in the Control Room.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell did you do to them?!

VOICE
I find you… humans … most fascinating.
I wish to study you further. I have teleported
the two of them down to my planet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why?

VOICE
I wish to see these violent tendencies and limited
cognitive abilities in greater detail. As such-I have
given them a simple task—one suitable to their skills.

DOCTOR WHAT
And that is?

VOICE
They are to fight each to the death.

Long pause.

MATT (sotto voce)
oh, this is awesome, man.

LANDSHARK (sotto voce)
The bloody colonial is right.

DOCTOR WHAT
They won’t fight each other. They’re friends.

VOICE
If they don’t, then I will destroy your ship.

Very long pause.

MATT (sotto voce)
Thande and Diamond friends?
When did this atrocity happen?

LANDSHARK (sotto voce)
Little bugger probably mixed up some
concoction to make Diamond he friend.

DOCTOR WHAT
Leo—ship status?

LEO
Shields down.
Weapons down.
Shift Engines down.
Thrusters down.
Main power down.
We are on emergency power only.
(beat)
We are completely defenseless.

VOICE
This should prove very enlightening…

The bright ball of light on the viewscreen disappears.

MATT (sotto voce)
Five bucks says Diamond kicks Thande’s ass.

LANDSHARK
You’re on, jar head. Thande’s good
Yorkshire stock. They’re good…
(long beat as he visibly gropes for words)
Ah, bugger. Can I retract my bet?

EXT.-PLANET SURFACE-DAY

We see a stretch of rocky desert. There are a few shrubs here and there but generally speaking it looks quite lifeless and inhospitable. There is a very large boulder (about 40 feet across) nearby. We suddenly see two flashes of light and DIAMOND and THANDE appear. We see them look around in confusion.

VOICE
(seemingly coming from all around them)
I find you creatures most interesting. As such
I have given you a mission—fight each other to
the death and I will spare the winner’s life.

Long pause.

DIAMOND
You must be joking.

THANDE
Utterly ridiculous.

DIAMOND
No fucking way will I do this. We’re buddies!
Sure I’ve occasionally indulged in the fantasy
of bludgeoning Thande to death, but that doesn’t
mean I want to kill him. Bludgeon him, maybe, but not kill.

THANDE
Same here. We refuse to do this!
We’re stalwart comrade in arms!
(beat)
Hey, you wanted to bludgeon me?

DIAMOND
Uhhh… Let’s just deal with this guy first…
(to ball of light)
What are you going to do us if we refuse?

Dark clouds suddenly appear in the sky. We hear rumbling sounds that get increasingly louder. A massive lightning bolt shoots down from the clouds and hits the large boulder. It explodes, scattering dust and debris in every direction. When the dust settles, we see that there is virtually nothing left of the boulder.

DIAMOND
(turning to THANDE)
Actually, I’ve always found your body odor
most offensive. I’ve been also nursing a secret
hatred for you sinc ewe first met.

THANDE
(turning to DIAMOND)
And I really can’t stand the way
you mangle the English language and
the way you don’t close the bathroom door.

They attack each other and roll around the ground for a few seconds. THANDE gets up and runs off, screaming shrilly, followed close behind by DIAMOND who’s holding a large rock in his hand, bellowing loudly.

INT.-AH.COM SHIP-DAY

We see the Control Room crew at various stations. The ship’s lights are still dimmed.

DOCTOR WHAT
(pressing button on armrest of command chair)
Dave—what have you got for me?

DAVE HOWERY (o.v.)
I tried every trick I can think of—
the best I can give you are scanners.

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s it? What about engines?
Weapons? Shields?

DAVE HOWERY (o.v.)
Nada. Ain’t gonna happen. Whatever is zapping us is doing
a good job of messing us over. Psychomeltdown and G.Bone
have a few ideas about the teleporters they’re working on. We
should know if it’s going to work in a couple of hours.

DOCTOR WHAT
Carry on. Let me know if there’s any change.
(turns comm. off)
Leo! Please give me some good news!

LEO
I wish I could, Doc. I’m running some scans
now but I can’t detect anything so far.

DOCTOR WHAT
That… whatever…that zapped us—any idea what it was?

LEO
None whatsoever. I’m attempting to see if I can pick
it up but it’s a big planet and the scans are very limited
in power and efficiency at the moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
Keep doing your best, Leo.

DOCTOR WHAT sits on the command chair, deep in thought.

MATT
Do you think they’ll be okay?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m sure they will be—they are absolute professionals
and have good heads on their shoulders and I have every
confidence in their skills and intelligence.

Long pause.

MATT
We’re talking about Thande and Diamond, right?

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course! I’m sure the two of them are thinking of a
plan to get themselves out of this as we speak!

EXT.-PLANET SURFACE-DAY

DIAMOND
(Shouting)
I’LL KILL YOU THEN I CAN GET OUT OF THIS!
I promise to make it painless!
Come on, it’s hot out here!

We see an oasis of some sort surrounding a small pond. Numerous trees and bushes of all kinds can be seen.

We see THANDE come out of a stand of trees. His eyes are darting nervously around and he’s holding a sharpened stick in one hand. He suddenly slips and falls down, below the view of the camera.

A few seconds later he leaps back into view, even more nervous then before. He’s waving the stick at everything around him in a panicked state for a few seconds before calming down slightly. He looks down at the ground.

CLOSE-UP —Banana-like fruits lying on the ground. One of them has been crushed by his footprint.

THANDE hesitantly picks one of the banana-like fruits up and takes a sniff at it. He pulls his face away in disgust at the smell.

We can almost hear the gears in THANDE’s head whirl as he stares at the banana with a pondering look on his face—that slowly turns into a smile…

EXT.-PLANET SURFACE-DAY

We see DIAMOND stumbling through a stand of some desert shrubs and trees. He stops for a moment to get his bearings. As he’s looking around he notices something and does a double take, there’s and outcrop of rock and something shines from it. He slowly walks over to the outcrop of rock and stares at them intently.

CLOSE-UP - we see several small crystals speckling the rock..

DIAMOND pokes at the crystals for a second. He picks up a loose bit of crystal and brings it closer to his face for further inspection. He stares at it intently for several seconds. With his other hand he suddenly reaches for something at his belt.

We see that he’s holding a digital watch. With a flick of his fingers he pops open the back.

CLOSE-UP —we see a small watch battery and various electronic gizmos.

We see DIAMOND staring back and forth between the watch and the crystal for several seconds.

He suddenly breaks into a smile.

CROSS-CUT MONTAGE

We see THANDE tear strips off his lab coat and soak them in a small puddle of water. He carefully reaches over and scoops up a small pinch of white powder lying on a rock and dumps the powder into the puddle.

We see DIAMOND hammering away at the rock outcrop, a large chunk falls away, revealing a treasure of crystals..

We see THANDE looking at a handful of grape-like fruit for a few seconds then crushing them in a crude stone bowl and put the bowl onto a smoldering fire.

We see DIAMOND carefully handling a long piece of crystal about, six feet long and an inch wide.

We see THANDE very carefully wrapping the strips of cloth he ripped off his lab coat around a banana. We see a small pile of bananas (all wrapped) at his feet.

We see DIAMOND grinding away at a four foot long piece of crystal, he stops, raises it and examines it, and begins grinding away again. Around him lay more pieces of crystal.

We see THANDE very carefully pouring a bubbling liquid from the crude stone bowl on the fire into hollowed out fist size nuts. He sticks a smaller coat strip into the top of each nut.

We see DIAMOND finishes polishing a long piece of crystal. It looks like a hollowed out rectangle about 6 feet long and an inch thick. He starts hooking the battery and various electronic gizmos to it.

We see THANDE pouring handfuls of a yellow powder, white powder and finally what looks like charcoal into a hollowed out bamboo log roughly three feet long and 6 inches wide. He dumps a handful of rocks into it and sticks a piece of cloth in one end.

We see DIAMOND sharpening the star shaped objects on various rocks. We see a knife shaped piece of crystal lying finished beside him.

Camera slowly pans up THANDE from his feet to his head. His lab coat has been ripped up to be used for material for various belts and straps. He has a bandolier of the nuts hanging on his chest. He has bananas strapped to his legs and held in his hands is the large bamboo device. He has one last strip of cloth wrapped around his forehead like a headband. Written on it with charcoal are the words ‘Chloroform Rulez’.

Camera slowly pans up DIAMOND from his feet to his head. His shirt has also been ripped up to be used for material for various belts and straps. He has a shield on his left arm and the sword like device (with various electronic wires attached to it) in his right arm. There are large ninja like throwing stars stuck into a bandolier on his chest and a knife strapped to his thigh. Wrapped around his forehead is a headband. Written on it in what appears to be dried blood are the words ‘Non sibi sed patriae’.

We see the sun begin to set.

SPLIT-SCREEN SHOT: THANDE is on the right and DIAMOND is on the left.

THANDE/DIAMOND
(simultaneously)
You’re mine.
(both growl)

END ACT I

ACT II

INT.-AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM-DAY

Emergency lights are still on. We see DOCTOR WHAT sitting in the command chair, rubbing his eyes. Neither he nor the Control Room crew looks like they’ve had any rest or food for some time. There are half-empty coffee cups strewn everywhere.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hitting button on command chair)
Dave—how goes the teleporters?

DAVE HOWERY (o.v.)
Good news! We got them working. Sort of.

DOCTOR WHAT
(rubbing his eyes again)
And what is THAT suppose to mean?

DAVE HOWERY
We can beam down—but we can’t beam up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(blinking his eyes)
One way trip? Better than nothing I guess.
Anything else up and running?

DAVE HOWERY
Nada, man! It took the three of us over 8 hours
just to get that done! Everything else is still on
the fritz! Even the freaking shuttles are still fried!

DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Keep working on it, Dave.
(turns button off)
Leo? I sure hope you’ve got some
good news for me this time!

LEO
I have news but it’s not good. I’ve been scanning the planet
for the last 8 hours and I am unable to detect any signs of
Thande or Diamond nor have I’ve been able to detect any
signs of that entity that attacked us.

DOCTOR WHAT
(flabbergasted tone)
Nothing? Nothing at all?

LEO
There appears to be some kind of scattering field up around the
entire planet. Scans are barely able to penetrate it. I’ve tried several
different techniques to compensate but with no effect.

DOCTOR WHAT
Did you try different types of scans?

LEO
Tried magnetometer sensors, plasma wave detectors, UV spectrometers,
near infrared mapping spectrometers, photo-polarimeter radiometer,
Energetic Particles Detectors, Heavy Ion Counters, and standard Solid State
Imagers. I even boosted the power by stealing a bit from non-essential systems.
No effect.

DOCTOR WHAT
Did you try re-modulating the phase variance of the
electro-magnetic pulse while re-calibrating the
configuration of the omega wave of the data transference beam?

The Control Room crew all turn around and stare at DOCTOR WHAT with jaw dropping astonishment and confusion.

DOCTOR WHAT
(blinking eyes in confusion)
Where the hell did that come from?
I think my brain just exploded.
(shakes head)
I’ve been watching way too much Star Trek .…

LEO
(thoughtful pause)
Actually…
(beat)
That just might work….

DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked)
It will?

LEO
Give me a few hours….

EXT.-PLANET-NIGHT

We see DIAMOND walking through a forest. His eyes are darting nervously around. We hear a loud thumping sound. He looks down.

We see a banana. With a burning fuse on it.

CLOSE-UP—DIAMOND’s eyes widen.

He leaps to one side. A second later the banana explodes with the force of a grenade, sending dirt and vegetation in every direction.

We see DIAMOND flat on his belly, covered in dirt and shredded plants. His eyes dart around quickly. He spots something.

We see a vague shape in a tree about 20 yards away or so. There is a spark and the face is illuminated by another burning banana. We see that it is THANDE. He throws it at DIAMOND. It lands several yards in front of DIAMOND.

DIAMOND rolls to one side just as the banana explodes.

We are seeing the scene from THANDE’s position in the tree. There is so much floating dust and smoke from the grenade-bananas that he can’t see very well.

We see DIAMOND suddenly stand up from a pile of bushes several yards away from the second explosion. He has one of his ninja stars in his hand. He throws it.

CLOSE-UP–ninja star flying through the air.

CLOSE-UP–ninja star embedding itself into tree just a few inches away from THANDE’s head.

THANDE screams and falls off the tree.

DIAMOND rushes towards THANDE, another ninja star in his hand.

There’s a loud thump and a nut (with a burning fuse on it) lands at DIAMOND’s feet.

CLOSE-UP—DIAMOND’s eyes widening

DIAMOND leaps over the nut, making an inelegant landing on his ass. He rolls to one side.

The nut explodes, sending a fountain of flame five feet into the air. Within seconds, the nut-napalm has spread to nearby plants and has set them on fire.

DIAMOND
Son of a bitch!

DIAMOND leaps up and throws three more ninja stars in quick succession at THANDE’s last position.

We see THANDE running away. The three ninja stars embed themselves into three separate trees one after the other just behind THANDE.

Twack! Twack! Twack!

We see DIAMOND run after THANDE deeper into the forest.

INT.-AH.COM SHIP-DAY

We see the Control Room crew still at various stations. There are more half-empty coffee cups lying around. The ones that were there earlier have unhealthy looking black scum on the sides. DOCTOR WHAT is sitting on the command chair, staring quizzically at the ceiling. KIT comes in with a cup of coffee and approaches DOCTOR WHAT. He notices DOC staring at the ceiling and looks around to see what he’s staring at. With a confused look on his face, he turns back to the DOC.

KIT
Uh—Doc—what are you staring at?

No response from DOCTOR WHAT.

KIT
Doc?

DOCTOR WHAT turns to look at KIT.

DOCTOR WHAT
We need to paint the ceiling. Paint is beginning to flake.
I think we should paint it a mauve color. Maybe a fuchsia
color. With some nice orange highlights….

KIT stares at DOC for a long minute. He hands DOC the coffee. DOC drinks the cup in nearly one gulp.

KIT
(concerned ‘Mother Hen’ tone)
You know—you don’t have to be here the whole time.
You look like you could use some sleep…

DOCTOR WHAT
Sleep? What’s that?
(off KIT’s look)
Fine- I’ll go to bed in just a few–

LEO
I think I have something…

DR WHAT
On screen!

A graphic appears on the viewscreen that shows a close-up of a section of desert. A small but obviously artificial structure can vaguely be seen.

DOCTOR WHAT
Can you scan that? Find out what’s inside?

LEO
Already working on it. Should
have more info in an hour or so.

DOCTOR WHAT
(tuning to KIT)
Going to have to take a raincheck
on the whole ‘going to bed’ thing….

KIT
(rolling eyes)
Story of my life….

EXT.-PLANET SURFACE-MORNING

We see DIAMOND walking along rocky desert. He’s holding the sword-thing in one hand and has his shield raised. He is looking down at his feet—apparently following some footprints that can be just barely seen in the sand.

He walks to the top of a ridge.

Standing right below him—less than 20 feet away from him—is THANDE. He’s pointing his homemade bazooka right at DIAMOND.

THANDE
Forward the Light Brigade!

BOOOOOOOOM!

We get a brief glimpse of DIAMOND before the entire top of the ridge is completely obscured in smoke.

THANDE rushes forth, a smoldering banana in his hand. He reaches the top to see….

…DIAMOND—flat on his back with his shield held up in front of him. The surface of the shield is pitted and cracked and has several stones embedded in it. DIAMOND flings it aside and points his sword at THANDE.

DIAMOND
From Hell’s heart, I stab at thee!
(presses a button on the sword)

A red laser-beam shoots out of the tip of the ‘sword’, burning off THANDE’s left sideburn. He screams and runs off, dropping his banana. DIAMOND leaps up and rushes towards the top of the ridge—

–only to see the smoldering banana at his feet.

He leaps backwards—just as the banana explodes.

DIAMOND
SON OF A BITCH!

He rushes to the top of the ridge to see THANDE rushing down the hill. DIAMOND lifts up his laser and aims it at THANDE and presses the button…

…only for the laser to make a sound very much like a high pitched squeal. DIAMOND looks at his laser to see…a large crack in it.

DIAMOND
DAMN IT!

DIAMOND flings his laser gun aside and pulls out the last of his ninja stars and chases after THANDE down the ridge.

THANDE pulls off his bandolier of napalm nuts and flings it behind him.

Seconds later, multiple explosions occur, flinging napalm and dirt and rock in every direction.

THANDE keeps running. Behind him is a massive smoke cloud. About a minute or two later, the flames die down a bit. We see DIAMOND leap over the few smoldering flames. He’s covered in soot and dust. His ninja star is broken in half. He flings it aside and pulls out his knife.

DIAMOND
(evil glint in his eyes)
Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!

Chases after THANDE.

INT.-AH.COM SHIP-DAY

Control Room crew are at various stations.

LEO
I think you might find this intriguing, people.
On screen now…

REACTION SHOT—crew looking in the direction of the camera at the viewscreen that’s behind our POV. They stare at the screen for a few seconds in confusion, then give a gasp in surprise. A few roll their eyes or shake their heads in amusement. DOCTOR WHAT slowly develops a grin.

DOCTOR WHAT
(looking at the ceiling)
This is a joke, right?

LEO
No Doc—you’re seeing this in near real time.
THAT is the source of all this trouble.

DOCTOR WHAT turns to the crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
I am in need of volunteers to come down to the planet
with me for some serious ass-kicking.

Every crew member raises their hands.

EXT.- PLANET SURFACE-DAY

We see THANDE running across some rocky terrain surrounded by steep mountains and hills. We suddenly hear DIAMOND’s voice, echoing all around the area.

DIAMOND
(echoing voice)
Ooo-oooh Thaaaaa-aaaande!

zTHANDE looks nervously around, trying to find out where DIAMOND’s voice is coming from.

DIAMOND
(echoing voice)
Surrender now and I will be merciful!
Your death will be quick and painless!

THANDE
NEVER!!

DIAMOND
(giggling insanely—it still echoes)
Schshschshchsch…..

We suddenly see DIAMOND leap out from behind a hill, the knife in his hand. He tackles THANDE and the two of them fall to the ground. THANDE has one hand wrapped around DIAMOND’s knife hand, trying desperately to knock it out. He somehow succeeds and we see the knife go flying away.

CLOSE-UP—we see the knife clatter down a small but very deep looking crevice nearby. It disappears from view.

DIAMOND screams and starts punching THANDE. THANDE starts punching back.

INT.-LARGE CHAMBER-DAY

We slowly pan across a very large and opulent darkened chamber. There are numerous bizarre looking paintings and sculptures all around us. We see a bank of TV monitors occupying an entire wall. The various monitors easily take up an area 50 feet across and over 10 feet high. The screens show various images from the planet surface—trees, rocks, mountains, etc—but about a dozen or so of them show the battle between DIAMOND and THANDE from different angles. One or two of them even show close-ups of their faces.

We see in front of the bank of monitors the back of a chair. The chair is a plush and very comfortable—one might almost say comfy—chair.

The camera swing around to show the occupant of the chair.

He’s a man in his early 20’s. He’s wearing bright red Cardinal-like robes and what looks vaguely like a papal hat. This is KADYET.

KADYET
Oh—I haven’t had this much fun in ages!

DIAMOND and THANDE are pounding each other at this point.

KADYET
Soon, you will be cleansed of all your sins. After all,
it is danger to the soul which is more harmful than
danger to the body. Tolerance of others is fine but
not at the expense of another’s soul.
(beat)
Ah—they appear to be reaching the denouement.

He reaches towards some buttons on some nearby monitors.

We hear a loud humming sound.

DOCTOR WHAT (o.v.)
Uh-uh-uh…Don’t touch that dial!

KADYET turns around to see standing behind him…

DOCTOR WHAT

Flanking DOCTOR WHAT are MATT, WEAPON M, KIT, FLOCC, IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK. All of them are carrying BFG.

All of them are pointed at KADYET’s head.

EXT.- PLANET SURFACE-DAY

THANDE and DIAMOND are having a knock-out, drag-out, bloody fight. Both are covered in cuts and bruises but are still fighting hard. DIAMOND is on top and has his hands wrapped around THANDE’s neck while THANDE has his hands around DIAMOND’s neck. Both are gasping for breath when they suddenly disappear when a flash of light and a loud ‘pop’ noise.

INT.-LARGE ROOM-DAY

DIAMOND and THANDE suddenly appear in the middle of the room. They look around in confusion and then look up to see DOCTOR WHAT, beside him is standing MATT.

DOCTOR WHAT
Welcome back guys!

DIAMOND and THANDE blink for a moment and then continue choking one another.

DOCTOR WHAT
Matt, pry ‘em apart before them kill each other.

MATT
Hell, no. I got five bucks riding on Diamond.

END ACT II

TAG

We see DIAMOND and THANDE following DOCTOR WHAT through various corridors of KADYET’s base.

DOCTOR WHAT
…and that’s how we were able to find this structure.

THANDE
(avoiding DIAMOND’s gaze)
So what is this place?

DOCTOR WHAT
As near as Leo can figure, there used to be a highly advanced
civilization on this Earth but virtually all traces of it was destroyed
about 1000 years ago. Leo figures it was some kind of war considering
how the whole planet ended up getting totally trashed in the process.
This defense base appears to be the only one still intact.

DIAMOND
(avoiding THANDE’s gaze)
Defense base?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah—you should see what this place has—planetary shields,
teleporters, holographic projectors, energy dampening beams –the works.

The three of them see KADYET being led past them. His arms are handcuffed behind him and he has both WEAPON M and MATT escorting him.

KADYET
You are all wrong and shall burn in hell forever!

WEAPON M
Yeah, yeah—tell it to someone who cares…

They walk off.

DIAMOND
Is that who I think it is?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yep, it’s Kadyet—the guy responsible for all this mess.

THANDE
Kadyet? What’s he doing here?

DOCTOR WHAT
after the whole debacle of trying
to free Mike Collins from prison,
seems they had a bit of a break up -

DIAMOND
(sarcastic)
Aww. And I thought those kids were gonna make it.

DOCTOR WHAT (cont.)
Kadyet split, and took off, seems he got lost and crashed his ship here.
Luckily for him, though he says God was leading him to this place, he
found the base. For the last couple of weeks he’s been looting this planet
for anything worthwhile and screwing with any people that come by.
Guess he couldn’t resist taking us on when he saw who it was that arrived here…
DIAMOND
Wanker.

THANDE
So what are we doing with him?

DOCTOR WHAT
I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a couple of universes
looking for payback against him. I’m going to dump him
off with Ian—let him deal with all the extradition stuff.

We see several other members of the crew—LUAKEL, FLOCC, KIT, GBW, and MICHAEL –walk by carrying various crates and boxes.

THANDE and DIAMOND stare quizzically at DOCTOR WHAT

DOCTOR WHAT
You simply will not believe the amount of stuff Kadyet
collected. Even Leo is having trouble figuring out some
of the stuff. No point in letting all that stuff just sit here, eh?
Whatever we can’t use I figure we can sell or trade.

We see IRONYUPPIE walk by carrying on a leash what appears to be a flying circular waffle iron with a single plug-like tentacle.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—IY—what’s that?

IRONYUPPIE
Found it in one of the storage rooms. Isn’t he the cutest
widdle little thing? I’m going to name him….waffles.
(looking at the robot)
Do you like that name, waffles?

WAFFLES
*beep* *boop* *boop* *ding*

IRONYUPPIE walks away.

DOCTOR WHAT
IY has a new toy.

DIAMOND
I’ll alert the media.

DOCTOR WHAT
(turning to face both THANDE and DIAMOND)
I just want to say to you guys that I’m proud of you!

THANDE/DIAMOND
(together)
You are?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes—very proud of the way you guys worked together
to keep Kadyet occupied while we were running all those
scans to find him. That was absolutely inspired and
brilliant thinking! Pretending to be enemies and trying to
kill one another! Fucking brilliant! It was just the type
of diversion we needed!

THANDE
Uh—well—you see I can’t tell a lie. It was…
ummmm…it was all Diamond’s idea!

DIAMOND
Uhhhh….inspired by YOUR brilliant strategy Thande!
Those napalm nuts of yours was simply incredible!

THANDE
Merely trying to keep up with your inspired laser gun!

DIAMOND
Yeah Doc! We …uh… we KNEW that it was all just
one big scam but we had total confidence that you will
save our asses! Yeah—isn’t that’s right, Thande?

THANDE
Of course we had to make it look
believable, hence our appearance…

DIAMOND
Method acting.

THANDE
Yeah—just like Sir Lawrence Oliver.

DIAMOND
Or Bruce Campbell.

DOCTOR WHAT
(wiping tears from eyes)
It’s times like this that I’m proud to be your captain.
(composes himself)
Drinks on me when we get to the Pub!

DOCTOR WHAT walks away.

We see THANDE and DIAMOND standing side by side.

THANDE
(out of the corner of his mouth)
I SO kicked your ass.

DIAMOND
(out of the corner of his mouth)
Bite me, Chem Boy.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS