TEASER
INT. – OUROBORUS – DAY
An establishing shot. The camera pans around a dingy, smoky, neon-lit pub. The pub is filled with a variety of different sorts of people, doing what all people in pubs do, drinking heavily.
Focus on large set of doors that suddenly appear upon a blank wall, they swing open.
Pull back, wide shot.
Through the door come the Ah.commers DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK, LANDSHARK, GBW, G.BONE, IRONYUPPIE, KIT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DAVE HOWERY, GREY WOLF, THANDE and MICHAEL.
Focus on DOCTOR WHAT as he nods slowly to himself.
DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve arrived.
GREY WOLF
Finally.
GBW
Did you see that line at the Docks?
DOCTOR WHAT
Every ship from every timeline
was waiting to get a spot.
GREY WOLF
(squirming)
Um, is there a toilet in this place…?
The Ah.commers begin to spread out from their original location and mix with the locals. DOCTOR WHAT turns around and surveys his ‘troops’.
DOCTOR WHAT
Remember, while you are here you
represent the name of the good ship Ah.com!
MICHAEL
Which is…
THANDE
Mud?
MICHAEL
(smirks)
Broadly speaking.
HENDRYK
(glares at MICHAEL)
We are also representing the
faithful of Whattendom!
DOCTOR WHAT
Er yes, that too.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And the Sheep!
G.BONE
All praise the Holy SHEEP!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE cast their eyes down.
DOCTOR WHAT
(weakly)
Well, go forth and make me proud!
But not in a bad way!
(looks pointedly at Ironyuppie and Landshark)
The Ah.commers begin to disperse throughout the crowd. As they do so, we properly see for the first time those standing at the back – IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK and MICHAEL. MICHAEL is dressed normally but IRONYUPPIE is wearing a Matrix-esque frock coat and LANDSHARK has on a little black cocktail dress.
MICHAEL turns and stares at LANDSHARK for a moment. He then pulls a fork from an inside pocket, turns away from the camera and repeatedly stabs himself in the eyes with it; in the background we see spurts of blood appear on the wall behind him.
DOCTOR WHAT
Er, Sharky, Yuppie…did the teleporter
switch your clothes?
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE look each other up and down.
LANDSHARK/IRONYUPPIE
No.
DOCTOR WHAT
(quickly)
Fine, fine…
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE walk away into the crowd; MICHAEL turns back to the camera and finishes mopping his face with a bloodstained chamois cloth.
MICHAEL
Pfft, that’s better.
MICHAEL begins to walk away but is caught by the arm by DOCTOR WHAT.
DOCTOR WHAT
Not so fast, Mister Aussie.
You made me look like a fool in
front of the troops!
MICHAEL
(smirks)
You didn’t need my help for that, Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT
Exactly! Your cynicism needs
pruning. I’m making you
Designated Cabbagehead for
the duration of this mission.
MICHAEL
(crestfallen)
Oh, do I have to?
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s either that or reorganising
Sharky’s wardrobe.
MICHAEL pulls the fork out again, looks at it critically, then adopts a resigned expression and puts it away. DOCTOR WHAT hands him a hat with a cabbage on top, which MICHAEL reluctantly straps onto his head.
MICHAEL
(in sarcastically naïve voice)
Wow, look how amazing this place is.
I must ask moronic questions to inform
the viewers at home what’s going on.
DOCTOR WHAT
(critically)
Well, it’s a start…
FADE TO OPENING CREDITS.
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“HUB(RIS)”
Written By: THANDE
ACT I
INT. – OUROBORUS – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT and MICHAEL, still wearing the Cabbagehead hat, are wandering purposefully through a crowded room. We pass a number of unusual people from different timelines – the obligatory big Viking, a Roman legionary with a glass of orange juice conscientiously reading a copy of the Koran, a confused-looking astronaut with a flag on his spacesuit with a Union Jack and 13 stripes, what at first appears to be a Starfleet officer but then we see that in the centre of the chevron badge is a swastika…
We can vaguely see the main bar, which becomes clearer as the pair near it. Some of the Ah.commers are already seated there, along with others.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, this takes me back…
MICHAEL
(from now on, always speaks in
a sarcastically naïve voice unless
otherwise stated)
Gosh Doc, who are all these strange people?
We get another pan around the room and focus on certain people as DOCTOR WHAT points to them.
DOCTOR WHAT
Why, Michael. Glad you asked.
Those are….
DOCTOR WHAT stares at the small group of people who look a bit like Autons from Doctor Who – they have waxy skin, plasticky fake hair, rictus-like grins and glazed-over eyes. Their brightly coloured, hopelessly unfashionable clothing is in contrast to the post-apocalyptic chic of the Ah.commers and other regulars.
DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t have the slightest idea what or
who they are. But look at them, they’re
almost as ugly as you.
MICHAEL
Golly, how interesting.
(muttering)
One of these days…
DOCTOR WHAT grabs a passerby.
DOCTOR WHAT
Excuse me, s-
STRANGER
(gruffly)
Get your hand off me or lose it.
DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry.
But I was wondering if you could
tell me what are those things over there?
STRANGER
(gruffly)
How the hell should I know.
Now, unless you’re wanting to have sex,
you’d best stop bothering me.
(leers at Dr. What)
DOCTOR WHAT and MICHAEL quickly back away, as the STRANGER watches them.
DOCTOR WHAT and MICHAEL finally get to the bar and sit on stools. Also at the bar are the Ah.commers PSYCHOMELTDOWN and HENDRYK, and various other denizens of the Hub including ARCHANGEL MICHAEL and MIDGARD.
Behind the bar is the bartender, IAN. He looks a bit like Agent Smith from The Matrix and is wearing shades, behind which we occasionally see a faint red glow. He looks harassed and is always cleaning a glass with a cloth.
IAN
Evening. May I help you?
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, Ian . It’s me.
IAN
And you are?
DOCTOR WHAT
Dr. What. Remember? I crashed
my shuttle into your pub?
IAN
(Shrugs)
Happened last night too.
Your point being?
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… Never mind.
Just give me a drink.
IAN
And for the cabbagehead?
MICHAEL
Pfft, whatever.
IAN
(smiling)
How about…this?
It’s from a TL where Boston’s
a colony of the Irish Empire…
From under the bar, IAN pulls out a Bloody Mary with red foam on top.
MICHAEL
(eyes widen)
It’s got a red head on it!
Nooooooo….
MICHAEL traces the Ah.com logo over his chest and hurries away, clapping his hand over his mouth and making retching noises. DOCTOR WHAT picks up the glass and tips it ironically to IAN.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good one, Ian.
IAN
Thanks. You can have this one
on the house.
DOCTOR WHAT
You’re too kind.
ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
(to MIDGARD)
Hear that? On the house!
IAN
(spins around)
Not for you!
Pay up!
ARCHANGEL MICHAEL
(grumbling)
All right.
ARCHANGEL MICHAEL pulls something from his pocket. It looks a bit like a Victorian fob watch on a chain, but when he opens it, inside is a small hourglass filled with glowing blue dust. ARCHANGEL MICHAEL unscrews this and drops a tiny amount of the dust into IAN’s hand. IAN nods and lets the dust on his hand pour off into a bucket under the bar.
DOCTOR WHAT
Say, what is that blue stuff?
IAN
Time.
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? Time?
IAN points to a sign behind him. It reads TIME TUESDAY.
DOCTOR WHAT still looks confused.
IAN
Today, all drinks and services provided in the pub
will cost you time. A bit of time taken from
your natural lifespan.
DOCTOR WHAT continues looking at him slack jawed.
DOCTOR WHAT
So. Does that mean every drink
will cost me a bit of my life?
IAN
On Tuesdays it will.
DOCTOR WHAT
And what about other days?
IAN
You can come on FIRST BORN FRIDAYS.
Though it’s a bit slow on that day.
DOCTOR WHAT
No one willing to give up their first born?
IAN
Not really. Just that the people that come around
here rarely get near a girl, let alone have
the chance to produce a first born.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Tis the price we explorers pay.
There has been many a night when…
(eyes MICHAEL)
IAN
Yeah…
(backs off)
MICHAEL
(opening watch)
Hey. Why’s mine empty?
Pull out and pan to another part of the pub. HENDRYK and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are sitting at a table. PSYCHOMELTDOWN has a yard of beer. HENDRYK has a metre of red wine.
HENDRYK
You say I can’t drink you
sous-la-table? We’ll see about
that, mouton-garçon…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You’re on, Metric-lover!
You think you’re all cool with your
base ten measuring system.
I’ll show you!
They both knock back their huge drinks, and immediately fall over backwards in an instantaneous drunken stupor. Pan right along the bar to see GREY WOLF, who rather than drinking simply has an intravenous drip to one of the bar optics.
GREY WOLF
(contemptuously)
Amateurs.
The optic runs dry and he switches the tube to a different one. We then go back to DOCTOR WHAT and IAN …
DOCTOR WHAT
…and then I said “with a
cucumber?” and then…
IAN
(raises a hand to forestall)
Wait. I thought I heard…
The room goes quiet and we distinctly hear a PATRON, one of a group behind IAN , say:
PATRON
…and then we do a
successful Sea Lion…
The emotion drains from IAN’s expression. He whips around – we keep DOCTOR WHAT’s point of view, so IAN ’s body blocks our view of the PATRON and we only see IAN ’s back. He pulls off his shades and we see a bright red halo surround his head and shoulders, accompanied by a sound not akin to frying bacon and an abruptly cut off scream from the PATRON.
Then IAN puts his shades back on, the halo fades, and he turns back around. We see that the PATRON has been reduced to a charred, red-glowing, smoking skeleton. The surrounding patrons edge away from it.
IAN
(conversationally)
Last week one of ‘em tried
to claim he’d been talking
about a particularly clever
walrus at SeaWorld!
DOCTOR WHAT
What do you have against Sealion?
It wor-
IAN
Don’t say it.
DOCTOR WHAT
But in one TL the -
IAN
That TL doesn’t count. That giant mutant
sealion was sent back in time by future
Neo-Nazis who didn’t really do well in
their history lessons.
DOCTOR WHAT
Rrright…
The camera pans away from the bar and throughout the massive room – we see brief shots of LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE and KIT grabbing what appears to be a full sized humanoid Smurf and heading for a handy broom cupboard with calculating looks on their faces; DAVE HOWERY ceremoniously pouring a bottle of LaBatt’s down the drain; THANDE mixing two drinks to produce an eerily green-glowing, bubbling solution, at which he nods gleefully; and finally we focus on GBW and G.BONE at the edge of the room.
G.BONE
Ah, it’s good to be finally off that ship..
The smell alone was driving me insane.
GBW
Sorry about that. Beans and I don’t mix,
it seems. Hey…do you hear that noise?
G.BONE
What noise?
GBW
That noise…
GBW puzzledly wanders out of the room through a little-used door; G.BONE shrugs, downs his drink, downs GBW’s drink, and follows, staggering.
INT. – OUROBORUS – CORRIDOR – DAY
GBW wanders along the dimly lit corridor, with G.BONE following.
G.BONE
Hey, dude, don’t you think
this is a most heinous place to be?
We should be back there in the bar
picking up babes!
GBW
(ignoring him)
Somewhere…along…here?
GBW pauses at a side door, looking ill-used even for this corridor. He pulls it open and walks through. G.BONE shakes his head, then follows.
The camera pans up to reveal that the top of the door frame is covered in cobwebs. Nothing unusual there…but then the camera zooms in further to reveal that at the centre of each web, outlined in threads, is the word:
Google.
Fade to black with dramatic music.
INT. – OUROBORUS – DAY
Fade up again to show MICHAEL walking around the room, still wearing his cabbagehead hat, but rubbing it in discontent.
MICHAEL
(not in sarcastic voice)
Bugger this.
MICHAEL happens to walk past DAVE HOWERY, who is still holding the empty LaBatt’s bottle and now facing off a huge guy who looks like a clone of Wolverine from the X-Men and has a massive red maple leaf tattoo on his forehead.
DAVE HOWERY
Er, hey, Michael! How about…?
MICHAEL
I’d love too Dave, but I’ve gotta
be a Cabbagehead! The Doc says so!
DAVE HOWERY
(angrily)
The Doc! Damned traitorous Canadian!
Like all the rest of them!
And, of course, the Wolverine clone unsheaths his claws and begin going for DAVE HOWERY, who whips out his adamantium chainsaw and begins fending off his blows with showers of impressive sparks.
Pan back across the room to IAN and DOCTOR WHAT; IAN’s expression darkens.
IAN
One of your people is making trouble.
DOCTOR WHAT
Tell me something new…
From beneath the bar, IAN pulls out the obligatory cosh, assumes a determined expression, and walks out from behind the bar, heading for the rumpus. DOCTOR WHAT watches, sips his drink, and draws a horizontal line with his finger across his throat while making a ‘thwiiip-snick’ sound. He pauses, contemplative, and then traces another one across his groin.
Wipe across to:
INT. – DARKENED ROOM – DAY
GBW and G.BONE are now creeping through a particularly creepy looking room. They are surrounded by racks full of dusty bottles and other trash.
G.BONE
Hey, look. Free booze.
G.BONE grabs a bottle and uncorks it, dust falls out, sending him into a coughing fit.
GBW turns around with a finger over his lips.
GBW
Shush!
I think I can hear voices!
G.BONE
Aw, man, you must have
mixed up your antihistamines
with Straha’s special stuff…
GBW
Not like that!
Listen!
They go quiet and indeed we hear voices, faintly. GBW points. G.BONE nods. They cautiously look around the edge of the rack and we see this scene:
Seated upon a pair of thrones in the centre of the room are two figures, FLOCCULENCIO and SBEGIN. Although fully realised they are slightly translucent and flicker in and out a little, like holograms. Surrounding them are dozens of adoring figures who are also translucent and flickering.
To one side is a giant metallic spider – the spider’s carapace is hinged open so we can see inside. What is inside is a floating human head underneath a hovering Google logo on a clinical white background. This is THELONEAMIGO. Surrounding the big spider are many more smaller Google Spiders, ranging from about a millimetre across all the way up to the size of a dog. The Google Spiders are also metallic but painted in a variety of bright colours, and have Google logos on their backs. The Spiders are restless, continuously skittering around and climbing all over the bigger one, including over THELONEAMIGO’s disembodied head.
G.BONE
WTF-?!
GBW
Shhh!
The two groups are holding a conference.
FLOCCULENCIO
(a rather distant voice, as though
speaking from the other side
of the grave)
The great plan goes ahead.
SBEGIN
(same sort of voice)
Nothing can stop us now.
FLOCCULENCIO nods.
The Google Spiders stir.
THELONEAMIGO
(a calm, computerised, breathy
voice with a slight Australian accent)
And the cosmos shall be reindexed.
SBEGIN nods.
THELONEAMIGO
With the power of Google Tee Emm at
your side. Nothing can stop you!
ALL GOOGLE SPIDERS
(chanting together in squeaky spider voices)
Google Is Your Friend.
We’re Feeling Lucky!
FLOCCULENCIO
Google shall have the cosmos
to do with as it wills…
but who cares for the cosmos
when you can have the greatest prize of all?
SBEGIN
Time!
So much time, to do with as we please!
Time enough to do… stuff!
FLOCCULENCIO
And the Not-Quite-Lurkers’ Association’s
dream shall be complete!
NQLA MEMBERS
To the NQLA!
GOOGLE SPIDERS
To Google!
GBW
(pale)
Too horrible… it’s the NQLA.
I though we destroyed them?
G.BONE
If you mean running like terrified five year
old girls, as destroying them. Then yeah.
We destroyed them real good.
GBW
We’ve got to get away from here
and warn everyone of their plans!
Come on, let’s-
In his haste, GBW jostles G.BONE and G.BONE drops the bottle he was holding. Focus on the bottle in slow motion as it descends to the floor and shatters into a million pieces.
G.BONE
Bogus!
The NQLA and Google Spiders all look around and see the two Ah.commers behind the rack of bottles.
FLOCCULENCIO
Spies!
THELONEAMIGO
Competitors!
What are they, AltaVista,
Yahoo, Ask.com?
All shall bow before Google!
SBEGIN
No, it’s even worse.
They’re…
FLOCCULENCIO
(furiously)
Ah.commers!
A roar of anger goes up from the NQLA members and they charge GBW and G.BONE, screaming a la Braveheart.
NQLA MEMBERS
NQLA-hu akbar!
GBW
Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap…
GBW pulls out his slingshot and fires a number of rare fine examples of shrapnelling rocks at the NQLA members. About one in five actually hits and knocks an NQLA MEMBER down; the others just pass through them as they flicker in and out of existence.
GBW
That’s cheating!
Meanwhile, G.BONE hurls a throwing axe, but this passes through three NQLA MEMBERS before finally burying itself in one at the back of the horde, who falls to the ground, twitching.
G.BONE
Nothing’s hurting them!
GBW
(grimly)
Well, we’ll take down as many
as we can, and then-
Suddenly GBW’s eyes widen and he topples to the floor. G.BONE looks on in horror and sees that a pair of significant tiny puncture wounds, trickling a little blood, have appeared in his neck.
Then G.BONE turns suddenly and finds that a small GOOGLE SPIDER has appeared on HIS neck…and even as he tries to brush it off, we see the SPIDER stab its fangs into his carotid artery.
G.BONE
Oh…urrrkgh…
G.BONE also collapses. The NQLA members pull back to reveal the two unconscious forms.
FLOCCULENCIO
(looking at them)
You used the…special venom, TLA?
THELONEAMIGO
(faintly affronted)
Naturally. Google has access
to any possible venom in the multiverse.
SBEGIN
Excellent…
Their souls are ours…
And G.BONE and GBW slowly begin to flicker in and out like the NQLA members…
Fade to black with dramatic music.
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. – OUROBORUS – DAY
As before, but now IAN is standing in the middle of the floor. In one hand, with no apparent effort, he had pulled DAVE HOWERY up by the scruff of his neck and is leaving him suspended. With the other, he has done the same to the Canadian Wolverine lookalike.
IAN
I run a respectable bar here!
I don’t tolerate this sort of shit!
You! Are kicked!
IAN literally kicks the Canadian Wolverine lookalike in the posterior. He is catapulted through the air and in midair suddenly vanishes with a sharp crack.
IAN then turns to DAVE HOWERY
IAN
And you, Howery, are-
Suddenly an alarm sounds and red lights blink on the ceiling. IAN curses and glares at DAVE HOWERY.
IAN
Later, Howery.
I’ve got fires to put out.
He drops DAVE HOWERY to the floor and, muttering to himself, leaves through a side door. DAVE HOWERY gets up and brushes himself off with dignity.
DAVE HOWERY
Knew I could take that Canuck nancy.
DOCTOR WHAT
You’re fooling no-one but
yourself, Dave.
(thoughtfully)
I wonder what called Ian away…
INT. – CORRIDOR
IAN is moving purposefully down the corridor, counting the doors as he passes them.
IAN
(muttering to himself)
Just because this pub’s full of seedy characters
from various TLs does not mean they can go
and attack one another…
IAN shakes his head pityingly.
IAN
Ah, here we are.
IAN walks through a door.
INT. – ANOTHER PART OF THE PUB – DAY
The room is almost empty, however, in the corner are a pair of politicals, who we’ll call LEFTY and RIGHTY, who are literally attacking each other with flamethrowers.
LEFTY
WI Bush hadn’t illegally seized
power in 2000?!
RIGHTY
WI Clinton had been impeached
as he should have been?!
They flame each other.
IAN walks up threateningly.
IAN
What do you think you’re doing?
You think you can come into my place
and get away with such behaviour?
Banned, both of you!
IAN pulls out his cosh and swipes it at RIGHTY, but the cosh passes straight through.
IAN
Wha…?!
He tries it with LEFTY, too, to no avail…and the two then flicker out of existence altogether.
IAN
Holograms…?!
But what-
An ominous clang.
IAN turns around to find that the only door has swung shut. And locked.
IAN
This does not bode well…
Off IAN ’s expression, wipe to
INT. – OUROBORUS – MAIN ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK and THANDE sitting at the bar, while PSYCHOMELTDOWN is arguing with MICHAEL in the background.
HENDRYK
(pointing at a map)
…and then perhaps we could
partition Godknowswhereistan?
THANDE
(also pointing at the map)
Only if I get a protectorate
over Kilroysilkstan.
HENDRYK
Done.
THANDE and HENDRYK shake on it, then ceremoniously knock back cups of tea done alternately in British and Chinese style.
DOCTOR WHAT
(worriedly)
Ian’s been gone a while…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
He is Great Ian.
Do not question his motives.
MICHAEL
He’s probably using his godly powers
to pick up women, that’s what I’d do.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(scornfully)
What do you know of women?!
You don’t even like Alyson Hannigan!
MICHAEL
Errghk!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Metric-lover!
MICHAEL
Dinosaur!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Duckophobe!
MICHAEL
Redhead lover!
MICHAEL and PSYCHOMELTDOWN both smash their glasses on the bar and, using the resulting Glasgow daggers, begin fighting each other. They swiftly fall off the bar altogether and begin a cutthroat struggle on the floor. DOCTOR WHAT looks on.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ian should have been here by
now to break those two up…
THANDE
He must have been…delayed.
Five pounds on Michael.
HENDRYK
(horrified)
Not ‘dramatic pause, delayed’!
Ten Euros on Psycho.
THANDE
Well, I-
(pause, confused)
What’s the exchange rate in this timeline again?
Suddenly, the main doors to the Pub open and an Ominous Silence spreads throughout. Outlined in the doorway are the two figures of G.BONE and GBW.
DOCTOR WHAT
(uncertainly)
Boney? GBWy?
Have you seen Ian?
GBW
(distant NQLA voice)
None shall ever see him again.
A murmur of surprise and horror spreads through the room.
G.BONE
The NQLA has come to claim its prize.
THELONEAMIGO
And so has Google.
We’re feeling lucky.
Are you?
GBW and G.BONE step into the room, followed by THELONEAMIGO and hundreds of GOOGLE SPIDERS which skitter over the floor and walls, plus FLOCCULENCIO and SBEGIN leading the NQLA MEMBERS.
DOCTOR WHAT
Google Spiders…?!
GREY WOLF
(waking up briefly)
And, um, the NQLA!
My mortal enemy!
Those wankers! I’ll…
GREY WOLF passes out.
DOCTOR WHAT
(earnestly)
You two can’t be members of the NQLA!
You’re a part of my crew!
GBW
Foolish Bruno.
G.BONE
Your thinking is so…twelve dimensional.
SBEGIN
They have joined us.
Now the NQLA will rule all.
DOCTOR WHAT
But I thought we destroyed the NQLA!
FLOCCULENCIO
Fools. You cannot destroy the NQLA!
SBEGIN
Our numbers swell daily!
And we have grown stronger
since the last time we clashed!
THE LONEAMIGO
Because of me!
(waves)
DOCTOR WHAT
So? What are you going to do?
GBW
We will crush the mulitverse!
Beginning with the Hub!
DOCTOR WHAT
(shocked)
Impossible!
G.BONE
Not when you have an…endless supply of time.
DOCTOR WHAT follows the NQLA members covetous gaze and sees the buckets of stored Time behind the bar. DOCTOR WHAT pales with realisation.
DOCTOR WHAT
You would dare steal Ian’s Time?
HENDRYK
He shall righteously smite you!
FLOCCULENCIO
Ian…is no longer a problem.
DAVE HOWERY happens to be standing next to THELONEAMIGO.
DAVE HOWERY
So what do you get out of this, hmm?
THELONEAMIGO
Oh, nothing…
Nothing less than total domination
of the Cosmos.
Google shall index all…
…All…
SBEGIN
Google shall have all space
and we shall have all time.
GBW
Together nothing can stop us.
Focus on DOCTOR WHAT, whose expression hardens with resolution. Behind him, the bloodstained PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL unsteadily get back up onto their stools.
DOCTOR WHAT
We can.
THELONEAMIGO
You and whose army?
DOCTOR WHAT
The army of Ah.com!
To arms!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What does he mean?
We’ve all got two arms-
THANDE pulls out a test tube labelled “Octopus-Man Mutagen” and waggles it significantly.
THANDE
(smugly)
Speak for yourself.
FLOCCULENCIO
(to DOCTOR WHAT)
How pathetic.
But it may provide some minor amusement.
SBEGIN
Charge!
THELONEAMIGO
Search!
And destroy!
The NQLA MEMBERS and GOOGLE SPIDERS both surge forwards at the massed Ah.commers. Dramatically fade to black.
Fade up to reveal the scene as before. Now, however, we are looking at a door off to one side of the main NQLA/Google charge. As we watch, this swings open and KIT, IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK emerge. All of them are covered in splodges of a sticky blue liquid. KIT looks shaken and rattled, while even IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK look thoughtful. As we watch, KIT absently wipes a splodge of blue from his eyebrow and then licks it off his finger.
LANDSHARK
Who would have thought he’d
have so much in him?
IRONYUPPIE
If you squeeze hard enough,
anything is possible.
KIT
(still a bit shaken)
From now on I’m sticking
to Roobarb and Custard…
Pause as the three survey the battle suddenly unfolding before them. LANDSHARK rubs his hands together gleefully.
LANDSHARK
Finally, some real excitement!
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE both pull out their weapons.
IRONYUPPIE
Google Spiders?
Reindex THIS!
She fires her Electric Chinese Razor Yo-yo of Death at a crowd of GOOGLE SPIDERS. The Yo-yo explodes in the midst of them and detonates, destroying dozens of the spiders.
LANDSHARK
Die you NQLA bastards die.
LANDSHARK fires a continuous stream of plasma blasts at the NQLA MEMBERS. A few of them cause NQLA MEMBERS to fall down, but most pass straight through and hit a group of PATRONS on the other side.
KIT
Er Sharky, you’re killing
a load of Patrons.
LANDSHARK continues firing as he speaks.
LANDSHARK
(thoughtfully)
It’s funny Kit, but the way you
said that, it almost sounded like
you thought you had a point.
IRONYUPPIE
C’mon Sharky, let’s go kick some
arachnoid and poser ass!
The two wander away into the attacking horde, firing indiscriminately. KIT is left alone. He shrugs and pulls out a giant car key, then goes after a large GOOGLE SPIDER with a calculating expression on his face…
Pan around the room to the bar again, where DOCTOR WHAT, HENDRYK, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, THANDE and MICHAEL are facing off the main part of the attack. HENDRYK has a Chinese knockoff of an AK-47. PSYCHOMELTDOWN has an atomic baseball bat which he is patting into his left hand significantly. MICHAEL has a tenth-scale model of a Chevrolet in his hand. THANDE and DOCTOR WHAT are apparently unarmed.
THELONEAMIGO
Feast on them my pretties!
They are obsolete.
They must be purged.
The GOOGLE SPIDERS skitter towards the five Ah.commers. On the way, they crawl all over a group of NOOBS and we see them bite the NOOBS on the necks; the NOOBS fall to the floor and then slowly fade from existence.
DOCTOR WHAT
Aw, crap…
HENDRYK sprays the GOOGLE SPIDERS with bullets and manages to destroy a few, but there are always more. One manages to crawl over the bar and lunges for DOCTOR WHAT, but PSYCHOMELTDOWN whacks it with his baseball bat and shatters it. He then glares at MICHAEL.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What are you going to do
with that toy, you Aussie freak?
MICHAEL
(smirks)
Just this, redhead lover.
Ever hear of the AAA style of fighting?
MICHAEL hurls the small Chevvy at a big group of GOOGLE SPIDERS. The Chevy hits them and explodes, destroying a number of them.
MICHAEL
Eat American Automobile Association-fu, punks!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That’s just…silly!
MICHAEL
Pfft.
Suddenly a massive GOOGLE SPIDER makes it past HENDRYK and lunges for MICHAEL. MICHAEL ducks – we see the spider’s fangs fasten onto the Cabbagehead hat instead of MICHAEL’s head itself – the hat comes off and the Spider with it. Before it can turn around and go for MICHAEL again, PSYCHOMELTDOWN smashes it with his baseball bat.
MICHAEL
You saved my life…
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Huh, yeah, but I’m sure there’s an up side, too.
They continue fighting the Spiders.
DOCTOR WHAT
Thande, the NQLA members are
trying to outflank us! Do something!
THANDE
(saluting)
Yessir!
THANDE jumps onto the bar and then leaps over the mass of GOOGLE SPIDERS. He lands in the midst of a group of NQLAs and runs through their intangible forms – before he hits one very solid person and they both fall to the ground.
THANDE
What the-?!
You’re not a NQLA!
The person lowers his hood to reveal that he looks almost identical to THANDE but has U.S. instead of British flag designs on his lab coat.
FORUM LURKER
No, but I claim to be…
I am a version of you from
an alternate timeline.
THANDE
Cool! Well, any ideas for
dealing with these NQLA members?
FORUM LURKER shrugs and hurls a test tube at them. It breaks and sprays poison gas, but only about one in five of the NQLA members fall to the ground.
FORUM LURKER
The Google kid has upgraded them, somekind of tech
that makes it so that they’re not ‘always there’ in quantum terms.
THANDE
Wait…
We need a weapon that’s-
FORUM LURKER
-itself not ‘always there!’
THANDE
I think I have it…
But we’ll need some means
of projecting it…
Suddenly GBW rises up before THANDE and FORUM LURKER, wielding his slingshot.
GBW
Evil Ah.commer, you shall-
THANDE
GBW, if you’re NQLA, how can you get back
on the ship and enjoy the new batch of porn
Dr. What got from that one Lesbian TL?
GBW pauses thoughtfully and begins to fade back in.
GBW
Yeah…hey…how could I
forget that…?
Uh, I shouldn’t be helping the NQLA!
FORUM LURKER
No, you must help us fight them.
GBW
But how?
GBW fires his slingshot at an NQLA MEMBER and the stone just flies through.
THANDE
Here.
THANDE pulls out a gemstone which is flickering from green to blue and back.
THANDE
A Goodman Grue Emerald.
FORUM LURKER
(snaps his fingers)
Neither one thing nor the other!
GBW
Ooh, philosophical…and shiny.
GBW takes the grue emerald and fires it – it hits an NQLA MEMBER and disintegrates him.
THANDE/FORUM LURKER
Yes!
They high-five.
Pan around the room, back to DOCTOR WHAT and the others again. As we watch, FLOCCULENCIO hits PSYCHOMELTDOWN with a taser and stuns him into submission, while SBEGIN shows MICHAEL a picture of a redheaded duck and MICHAEL faints. HENDRYK’s gun is torn from his hands and he is pinned to the bar by a group of GOOGLE SPIDERS. We are left with the unarmed DOCTOR WHAT facing off the huge main GOOGLE SPIDER with THELONEAMIGO’s head within.
THELONEAMIGO
It was always foolish for you to resist…
You cannot stop Google, it is our
destiny to rule…
DOCTOR WHAT
You haven’t won yet.
THELONEAMIGO
Oh but I have.
All your base are belong to us.
DOCTOR WHAT
Tell me, have you ever heard
the phrase ‘the best way to defeat your
enemy is to strike at his head’?
Suddenly DOCTOR WHAT pulls from his belt a long silver sword with maple leaves etched along its blade. In a single thrusting movement he plunges it into THELONEAMIGO’s disembodied head.
Or tries to. The sword simply melts away an inch before THELONEAMIGO’s face. THELONEAMIGO doesn’t even blink.
THELONEAMIGO
Here’s a free GoogleAd:
Affordable funeral arrangements,
41 Bismarck Strasse, Neudeustchland.
DOCTOR WHAT
I – er –
THELONEAMIGO’s giant GOOGLE SPIDER simply grabs DOCTOR WHAT, grasping one of his arms in one claw and the other in the other.
THELONEAMIGO
I think you may require a split
screen to see all Google’s entries…
DOCTOR WHAT
(bravely)
You don’t know how far I can stretch.
THELONEAMIGO
Not as far as Google’s patience…
Off DOCTOR WHAT’s expression, we pan around the room again to where LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE are still fighting the GOOGLE SPIDERS and NQLA MEMBERS. Off to one side, near a door, the still blue-stained KIT has got a GOOGLE SPIDER in one hand and is using his car key to diddle with its electronics.
KIT
(tired and angry)
Look you piece of metallic excrement,
what part of ‘porn minus sign girls’
don’t you understand?!
Suddenly, the door behind KIT develops an ominous red glow around its frame. KIT turns around and observes this.
KIT
Ah…
He drops the GOOGLE SPIDER and runs away as the glow brightens. We pan around the room and end up on FLOCCULENCIO and SBEGIN, who have found the buckets of Time and are ecstatically hurling it in the air like money.
FLOCCULENCIO
At last our dream is complete!
SBEGIN
Wait…
The door blasts off its hinges and the red-hot door hurtles across the room, scything through the big GOOGLE SPIDER’s claws and dropping the stretched DOCTOR WHAT to the ground.
THELONEAMIGO
What?
This cannot be!
Something challenges us?!
FLOCCULENCIO
Wha?!!
As the smoke clears, standing in the doorway is IAN, twitching his shades with one hand.
IAN
(quietly, menacingly)
You really thought you could lock me in?
Lock me in my own rooms?
I know this place better than anyone…
And it obeys ME.
SBEGIN
You can’t…
IAN
There is NOTHING I cannot do!
DOCTOR WHAT
(still feeling his arms gingerly)
Yay Ian…
IAN
You are hereby kicked!
I have spoken!
Ian snaps his fingers and suddenly the entire NQLA army vanishes.
FLOCCULENCIO
Er.
THELONEAMIGO
(contemplative expression)
The situation has changed.
There are easier foes.
I’m not feeling lucky.
SBEGIN
What?!!
THELONEAMIGO
You’re on your own.
THELONEAMIGO and the whole GOOGLE SPIDER army quickly retreats out of a side door, leaving just SBEGIN and FLOCCULENCIO. IAN approaches them menacingly.
IAN
And as for you two…
Ever hear of a timeline called
“In the Presence of the Decades of Drakaness…”?
We pan away to show PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL freeing each other.
MICHAEL
Well, that went okay.
I so kicked some spider arse.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
More like they kicked your arse.
Wait…
Lying on the ground before them is G.BONE.
G.BONE
Must…kill… ah.commers
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Snap out of it, dude!
You’re no NQLA member!
MICHAEL
All praise the holy SHEEP!
G.BONE
(stirs)
Yes…the holy SHEEP…
All praise the Holy Sheep…
(snaps out of it)
Whoa what happened?
MICHAEL
Two choices.
Either you were bitten by Google
Spiders and brainwashed into serving
the NQLA, helping them try to attack
Ian and steal his store of Time…
G.BONE
(pale)
I hope the second choice is better!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Or the booze here is really, REALLY good.
G.BONE
Excellent!
The three wander off and we pan across to DOCTOR WHAT speaking to IAN .
IAN
Ah, Tuesdays. Always someone looking to steal my Time.
Ian wanders over and picks up a bucket of time and carries it back to the bar.
DOCTOR WHAT
We could have taken them.
All we needed was a littte… time.
(Everyone laughs)
Thankfully FORUM LURKER showed up,
Deus Ex Machina style, or we’d
have been in it deep.
DAVE HOWERY
Who was that Harry Potter lookalike?
KIT
And where did he go?
Everyone looks about, but there is no FORUM LURKER.
Fade to black.
TAG
INT. – OUROBORUS – DAY
As at the beginning. All the Ah.commers have reassembled there except LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE. DOCTOR WHAT is tapping his foot impatiently.
DOCTOR WHAT
Where are those two?!
KIT
Think really hard about
whether you want to know
the answer to that question.
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK finally come in. They are still covered in blue splodges from before, but these have now been joined by slowly darkening red ones.
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh, what were you two up to?
LANDSHARK
Well, it all kind of started
when Yuppie pointed out that
‘Lurker’ rhymes with ‘burqa’ and then we found these cheesegraters-
DOCTOR WHAT
Kit’s right…I DIDN’T want to know.
The door materialises and all the Ah.commers walk through. Keeping our focus on the door, it slowly begins to swing shut after them.
GREY WOLF
Oh fuck, I forgot to-
He is abruptly cut off as the door clicks shut and fades from existence, leaving only a blank wall. Fade to black.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
