TEASER

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S OFFICE- DAY

The camera shows DR. WHAT, GREY WOLF, and LANDSHARK sitting around a table with accounting books open all around it. They look unhappy.

DR. WHAT
Good God… how could this have happened?

GREY WOLF
It just snuck up on us. We haven’t been going over
these often enough. We should have caught it weeks ago.

LANDSHARK
Hey, we’re supposed to hold these reviews every Thursday.
Why haven’t you been scheduling them, oh high and mighty captain?

DR. WHAT
Well, if you recall, last Thursday, you were being held captive by those
sentient possums on timeline 45772, and the rest of us had to go in and rescue you.

LANDSHARK
Yes, but…

GREY WOLF
And the whole week before that, you and IRONYUPPIE
were drinking and whoring on that timeline where the
Greek gods are still worshipped, and it was the feast of Dionysis.

LANDSHARK
Yes, but…

DR. WHAT
And the week before that, you begged out of the
meeting because IRONYUPPIE made you wear
that Alice in Wonderland costume and…

LANDSHARK
All right, all right! I get it. Things came up. But
that doesn’t change the fact that we’re broke. No
matter how you look at it, the ship’s treasury fund
is empty. How did it happen?

DR. WHAT
(pulls a book over to him)
Let’s go over it again… income for last month…
$420 for that slave rescue on timeline 9983.2.

GREY WOLF
I thought they were only paying us $100 for that.

LANDSHARK
They were… when MATT found that out,
he turned around and sold the slaves to that
Roman Imperium timeline we ran into last year.

DR. WHAT
I see. Okay… here’s one for $178
for… fishing? What the hell…

GREY WOLF
Uh… that’s actually DAVE HOWERY’S scheme…
he uses LUAKEL for bait to attract pedophiles into
dark alleys and then robs them.

DR. WHAT
What?! I can’t believe DAVE would do that!
Turn the money over, I mean…

GREY WOLF
He didn’t want to, but LUAKEL spilled
the beans, and I ordered him to do it.

DR. WHAT
You gave an order and it was obeyed?!
How’d you manage to do that?

GREY WOLF
I appealed to his sense of generosity and fair play.
And I made sure I did it in front of KEIRA. Naturally,
he didn’t want to look like a miser in front of her.

DR. WHAT
I see. And… damn. That was all the income we had last month?

LANDSHARK
Yes. And we had all the normal expenses incurred…
maintenance, spare parts and supplies, posting bail
for half the crew after shore leave… I enjoy being
on this ship and exploring the timelines, but running
an MES is an expensive business. And now, we’re broke.

DR. WHAT
Any chances of picking up some
freighter business on this timeline?

GREY WOLF
I looked into that, but this timeline seems to have all
the freighter business tied up with a small group of guilds.
We can’t break into the racket.

DR .WHAT
All right then. We’re going to have to be very careful.
Let’s baby our equipment as much as possible and shift
out of here to some other timeline where we can pick up
some business. So long as we don’t have any major malfunctions….

A loud BOOM is heard off camera, and the scene shakes. As the three officers look around in puzzlement, DAVE HOWERY is heard on the intercom.

DAVE HOWERY
Uh, Captain, we have a problem here. PSYCHOMELTDOWN
just shorted out the shift engines.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(also heard on the intercom, in the background)
Hey! You’re the one who was testing them!

DAVE HOWERY
Well, you might have told me that you had removed all the oil
before I did! Why do you need so much lubricant anyway?!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(long pause)
Never mind.

DAVE HOWERY
Anyway, Doc, I’m going to need a hell of a lot of money from
the ship’s funds to replace the central drive shaft on the engines.

DR. WHAT puts his head in his hands and groans.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“TEMPS”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The entire crew is gathered in here, all facing DR. WHAT.

DR. WHAT
And that’s the situation, people. We’re stuck here and we’re broke.
There’s no chance of getting a shipping job here. So, there’s only
one solution… most of you are going to go down to the planet and
take temporary jobs until we have the cash we need to make repairs.

The crew erupts in protests and angry shouts.

KIT
Engage in manual labor like a common peasant?!
I’m much too pretty to do that!

MICHAEL
What? Temporary jobs? But if we’re all down there,
who’ll stay up here and do my necessary work, such as… umm…

LANDSHARK
That’s enough! You crewmembers are just going to
have to suck it up and go do the work, while we officers
stay up here and carry on with our vital command tasks.

DR. WHAT
Uh… you and GREY WOLF are going too.

LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF
What?!

FLOCCULENCIO
(horrified look)
W… w… work?!

DR. WHAT
I thought you guys react this way, so I took the liberty
of checking around and found some temp jobs for those
who are going. Fortunately, there’s a bit of a worker
shortage on this timeline, so I was able to come up with jobs pretty fast.

GBW
Well, if we absolutely have to do it to repair the ship,
I suppose we’ll just have to buckle down and do it.
But you’re hinting that not everyone is going…
who’s staying behind?

DR. WHAT
Well, G BONE for one…

G BONE
Yay!

DR. WHAT
Because he’s going to be in the Teleportation Room 24/7,
sending you people back and forth on your various shifts.

G BONE
Damn it!

MATT
We’ll probably have to leave LUAKEL aboard too, since he’s only 12.

LUAKEL
15!

MATT
Whatever.

DR. WHAT
Yes, but don’t worry, I have a special assignment for LUAKEL up here.

LUAKEL
It’s not like the last one in your quarters, is it?

DR. WHAT
Hey! It’s not my fault you misunderstood when I told you to ‘polish my rod!’

LUAKEL
You could have told me you were talking about your scepter!
(pause)
Why do you have a scepter anyway?

DR. WHAT
Never mind, you’re too young to know that.

DAVE HOWERY
(whispering to LUAKEL)
I’ll tell you later, it’s a good story, with ninja lesbians and kittens.

FLOCCULENCIO
(horrified look)
W… w… work?!

GBW
So, DOC, what did you find for us? Did you match
up our skills with appropriate employment?

DR. WHAT
Well, actually, I went with an employer down there
who just happened to have a lot of job openings right
now. It’s a chain of Turkish fast food joints…

The crew members all groan.

MATT
Fast food?! Are you kidding?!

DAVE HOWERY
(outraged)
No! I will never work fast food, NEVER!!
It is beneath my dignity, my skills, my…

DR. WHAT
Relax, DAVE, you’re going to be in their repairs division,
fixing equipment and such. And since when does anyone
on this ship have any dignity?

DAVE HOWERY
Good point.

FLOCCULENCIO
(horrified look)
W… w… work?!

DR. WHAT
Okay, I have folders for everyone who’s going down to the planet,
telling you what you’ll be doing, where you’re going, etc. So everyone
get a good night’s sleep. From what I’ve calculated, you’ll all need
to work about 4 days to get the cash we need to buy the parts we need.
(pause)
One word of warning: this place is a bit uptight. Not exactly neocon
standards, but still pretty puritanical. So be on your best behavior.

Everyone groans in sheer misery, and then all leave the room, except for FLOCCULENCIO. He still has a blank look of horror on his face.

FLOCCULENCIO
(horrified)
W…w… work?!

CAPTION SCREEN: DAY ONE

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAWN

The camera pans across the darkened room. Little can be seen until the door opens, and DR. WHAT and LUAKEL are seen. DR. WHAT steps inside and flips a light switch. As the room lights up, the two look around the room with grim expressions. This room is huge, one of the largest rooms on the ship we’ve seen to date. There are a dozen long tables with hydroponic growing tanks on them. Many large steel tanks are lined against one wall, with hoses coming out of them and fed into the planters. Metal cabinets and shelves are set into the other walls. The planters are all dry, with the remains of many many many many many many marijuana plants in them, all shriveled and desiccated.

LUAKEL
Ah geez, captain… how am I supposed to fix this mess?

DR. WHAT
Hard work and elbow grease. It has to be done. This place
can provide us with most of the food we need. It used to do so,
until STRAHA came aboard and converted it all to pot.
(muttering)
Damn hippy…

LUAKEL
But… I don’t even know where to begin!
I don’t know anything about hydroponics.

DR. WHAT
That’s why they call it ‘on the job training.’ As for where to begin…
get rid of all those pot plants… or what’s left of them. Haul them all
down to the incinerator. Then, make a plan about what to plant where.
The seeds and growing mats are all in those wall cabinets. As for the
chemicals… well, the manuals are right there. Just be sure to use
the proper mix for each type of plant.

He points to a wall shelf, filled with 20 huge volumes. At the sight of that, LUAKEL’S shoulders slump.

LUAKEL
Reading?! I have to do reading on this job?!

DR. WHAT
It’s a sacrifice, but we all have to do our part. Good luck, kid.

DR. WHAT walks out of the room, whistling.

INT- AH.COM KITCHEN- DAWN

The camera pans across the darkened room. Ovens and cooking gear can vaguely be seen. The door opens, and DR. WHAT and FLOCCULENCIO walk into the room and turn on the light.

FLOCCULENCIO
Hey, thanks for not making me go down
to the planet and w… w… work!

DR. WHAT
Before you thank me, you’d better take a look around.

FLOCCULENCIO looks around the room, and he looks stunned. The camera pans across the room, showing mounds of cooking pots, utensils, and plates, all dirty and sporting an incredible variety of multi-colored mold; basically, the kind of mess that only a ship full of bachelors could make.

FLOCCULENCIO
You… you’re not saying that I have to clean this up, are you?!

DR. WHAT
I’m afraid so. Once upon a time, this ship could produce
enough food to feed a crew three times this size, and this
kitchen is big enough and has the equipment to do it. So,
your job is to get it into shape. And keep it that way… we
need someone in here on a regular basis, and you’re the
only one who can do it… mostly because everyone else has other jobs to do.

FLOCCULENCIO
But… I’m a highly trained mech corvette pilot!

DR. WHAT
You mean, a highly trained pilot who has a broke down mech corvette. Besides, you’re better off than PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

FLOCCULENCIO
(long pause)
God, that’s true. Okay, I don’t like it, but I see
the need to do it. You can count on me to get it done.
(another pause)
Hey, once I get this place spiffed up, I can make
some of my famous East Singaporean tuna curry!

DR. WHAT
(suppressing a shudder)
Yeah, that sounds good. Carry on.

As DR. WHAT leaves the room, FLOCCULENCIO walks over to the sink and starts removing a huge pile of dirty dishes. The camera pans over to a cabinet on another wall, where a bottom door is open. We see a long and dirty pink tail slowly pull into the darkened cabinet, and then a pair of glowing red eyes looks out at FLOCCULENCIO… and then a second pair… and then another… and another.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- MORNING

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen working on a piece of the shift engines. He looks tired and dirty. He snaps a final piece back into place and stands up, groaning as he does.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay, LEO, that’s done. Is that everything?

LEO CAESIUS
Hardly. You still have to change the ionization fluid in
the ucephalus tri-converters, remove the drive shaft and
grind the rough spots in the housing, and scrub the
men’s room toilet with your toothbrush.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey! You made that last one up!

LEO CAESIUS
Yeah, I was bored. But you do have to do that
other stuff, plus steam clean the duo-carbon exhaust.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
This blows! Why am I stuck doing all of DAVE’S work?!

LEO CAESIUS
Because you’re the one who took all the oil out of the
engines without telling anyone, and thus, the cause
of everyone else having to go work temp jobs down on the planet.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, but…

LEO CAESIUS
I’ll let you off the hook if you tell me
why you needed so much lubricant.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(long pause)
So… the ucephalus tri-converters, huh?
I’ll get right on that.

EXT- SAULT STE. MARIE- MORNING

The camera shows a view of an empty parking lot. The sun is rising in the background. The camera stops on OTHNIEL and GBW, who are looking at something off camera in disbelief.

GBW
My God. That’s the most offensive thing I’ve seen in years. And considering where we come from, that’s saying something.

The camera switches to their POV, and we see the outside of a fast food restaurant. The neon sign on the front reads “Omar’s Turkish Delights” and has an incredibly stereotypical picture of a fat Turkish man with a beard and a fez, smiling and waving.

OTHNIEL
Who could have come up with such
a blatantly disrespectful concept?

INT- TOPEKA KS- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- MORNING

The camera opens on a scene of the dining room of the restaurant. HENDRYK and TORQUMADA are seen looking at a large picture on the wall. A legend on it reads ‘Our Founder’ and the picture is that of (who else?) the local version of ABDUL HASHI PASHA.

TORQUMADA
Well, it’s nice to know that on at least one timeline,
a version of one of our crew made it big.

HENDRYK
Yeah, but he sold out by portraying his people in a crude
and offensive manner, all to make a buck.
Who on our crew would do that?

TORQUMADA
Uh… all of them?

HENDRYK
Well… true.

INT- TALAHASSEE FL- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- MORNING

We see LANDSHARK standing in front of a big industrial wash sink. Next to him is a huge stack of squeaky clean dishes and trays. He looks to the other side, and the camera pans to show six more equally huge stacks of dirty dishes, waiting to be washed. LANDSHARK groans in dismay.

LANDSHARK
Blimey, this job is really the worst! Let’s leave.

IRONYUPPIE (off camera)
Now, now, you know this has to be done. If we don’t
put in our share, we’ll be stuck here on this timeline
forever. Just make the best of it… try to make a game
out of it, like me.

The camera switches to IRONYUPPIE, who is standing at a butcher block table with a huge cleaver in her hand. She’s chopping steak into shis kebab sized bits. She pauses and stares down intently at the meat.

IRONYUPPIE
Why, hello WYLDCARD4!
(WHACK)
What’s that? You brought a friend? Pleased
to meet you, EVOLVEDSAURIAN!
(WHACK)

INT- MEMPHIS TN- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- MORNING

The camera focuses on THANDE, who is idly stirring something in a pot and looking bored out of his mind. He looks around and picks up a bottle of spice, and squints at the label. He picks up several other bottles of condiments and reads those labels also. He then starts mixing several of them together in the pot. He picks up one final bottle, and doles out a tiny amount into the pot. A loud explosion is heard and a cloud of smoke fills the screen. When it clears, THANDE is standing there with a shocked expression and no eyebrows. He goes back to stirring the pot, looking around to see if anyone noticed.

INT- SAN FRANCISCO CA- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

We see DAVE HOWERY deep inside an oven, obviously repairing it. With a groan, he pulls himself out of it, and stands up, covered with grease and oil. A restaurant manager stands nearby.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, it should work now. What’s next on the list?

MANAGER
The pump on fryer #3 is out, the ice machine is down,
and the big freezer is running too high.

DAVE HOWERY
(groans)
And I have four more restaurants to go to after this?!
All I can say is, if it wasn’t necessary to do this to get
the ship repaired, I’d be gone in a flash.

MANAGER
Well, after a 10 hour work day,
you’ll have a cool $20 for your trouble.

DAVE HOWERY
Wha… that’s it?! I’m doing all this
crap for twenty stinking dollars?!

MANAGER
Hey, I don’t know what it’s like on your timeline,
but on this one, $20 per day is prime wages.

DAVE HOWERY
Fuck this!

He takes out a communicator.

DAVE HOWERY
G BONE, teleport me to Engineering.
I, uh, need to get some more tools.

Seconds later, he disappears with a loud pop, leaving the wide eyed manager looking on in surprise.

EXT- BOSTON- DAY

The camera opens on a scene dominated by a huge armored truck with the words “Omar’s Security and Armor” painted on the side. A security guard is standing by the drivers’ side door, looking impatiently at his watch. He looks around as MATT walks into the scene. He’s also wearing a security guard uniform and is clutching a holstered pistol to his chest.

GUARD
Man, what took you so long?

MATT
I looked for a bigger gun… but couldn’t find one!

Tears roll down his cheeks.

GUARD
Buck up, man! This outfit hauls all the cash from Omar’s
restaurants in Boston to his central bank here, and
we need to be on constant vigilance!

MATT
(suddenly interested)
Really?! Maybe I should go back to my ship,
grab a rocket launcher, some grenades…

GUARD
No! Christ, we don’t want to scare the hell out of our clients.
Just follow procedures, and chances of us being robbed are minimized.
Let’s roll.
The two climb into the truck, and it drives off in a cloud of exhaust.

INT- NEW YORK CITY- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

The camera shows KIT standing behind a cash register, with a store manager looking over his shoulder, trying to explain how to operate it.

KIT
I’ll never get the hang of this American money! It’s all green!

MANAGER
Well, they all have different portraits on them.
See, this one has Alexander Hamilton on it.

KIT
Who?

MANAGER
Well, just read the numbers on them, then. Now, the coins…

KIT
Hey, they are all different sizes!
That makes sense! This smallest one
is the lowest denomination, right?

MANAGER
No, that’s a dime, ten cents, and
it’s in the middle of coin value.

KIT
So, why is it smaller than the others?

MANAGER
(exasperated)
It just is!

KIT
Why are these pennies copper colored
and all the others silver?

The manager groans.

INT- TOPEKA KS- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

The camera opens with a close shot of TORQUMADA’S face. He has the blank zombie-like ‘1000 yard stare’ of combat veterans who have seen too many of the horrors of war and death. The camera slowly pulls back, and we see that he is peeling a potato. As the camera pulls back more, we see a huge mound of potatoes on one side of him, a growing pile of peels in front of him, and a much too small pile of peeled potatoes on the other side.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAY

The door opens, and LUAKEL comes in, dragging an empty cart. The camera pans across the room, and we see that all of the pot plant remains have been disposed of, and the growing tanks are clean and shined. LUAKEL walks wearily over to a wall cabinet and opens the door. Thousands and thousands of seeds of nearly every vegetable plant known to man are inside, neatly lined and categorized. He starts dragging out packets, tossing aside the broccoli ones with an ‘ick!’

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

GBW is seen at the drive up window of the restaurant. He hesitantly completes a transaction, hands a bag to the customer, and shuts the window. A manager is watching him.

MANAGER
Hey, that was good! You picked this up pretty quick. Great job!

GBW looks around in shock. Tears glisten in his eyes.

GBW
Oh. My. God. That was… that was… praise? From a superior?
It’s been so long since I’ve had anything like that! None of the
so-called leaders of our ship would ever do anything like that!
I’m so happy! This is the best job ever!

He breaks down and weeps with joy.

INT- SEATTLE WA- CALL CENTER- DAY

The camera pans across a room full of desks with telephones and computers. Several bored looking people are sitting at them, talking on headset phones and typing on keyboards. Two of them are MICHAEL and DMA. They look even more bored than the others.

DMA
(speaking into headset)
Hello, how may I help you? Your pilaki was undercooked?
I’m sorry we had a problem with that, please stay on the line
and I’ll have our representative issue you a coupon.
(pause)
Hello, how may I help you? Your piyaz had a hair in it?
I’m sorry we had a problem with that, please stay on the line,
and I’ll have our representative issue you a refund voucher.
(pause)
Hello, how may I help you? Wait… you want me to suck your…
damn it, LANDSHARK, get off the line!

DMA pushes the button to hang up the phone, rather angrily.

DMA
Damn it, I don’t think I can take three more days of this!

MICHAEL
Yeah, this job bloody well sucks. But it’s still better
than working in the restaurants, wouldn’t you say?

DMA
Yeah.

He groans as another call comes on his line.

INT- TOPEKA KS- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

We see the kitchen of the restaurant, and HENDRYK frantically assembling various dishes of food. A manager walks into the scene.

MANAGER
Hurry it up, folks! I need six more orders of ashure,
five orders of lokum, and eight more trays of manti.
Hustle!

HENDRYK groans, but keeps working.

HENDRYK
This job stinks! But… it is necessary because
He Who Died and Returned has decreed it so.
I know that he is working and thinking of me,
his first and most devoted of servants.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

DR. WHAT is seen sprawled on a couch, his television on and blaring. He has a big tub of popcorn and a six pack of beer. The television can be heard off camera.

TELEVISION (off camera)
Today, on the Jerry Springer show… cross dressing
meth addict midgets who want to have sex with furniture,
and the women who love them.

DR. WHAT sits up, an interested look on his face.

DR. WHAT
Wow! I wish HENDRYK was here to see this.

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMARS TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

We see OTHNIEL standing near the entrance to the dining room, dressed up in a stereotypical Turkish costume, with pointed toe slippers, a fez, and a vest. He’s obviously a greeter, and is doing his best to remain cheerful as customers walk in.

OTHNIEL
Hi, welcome to Omar’s!

ED COSTELLO
Get bent!

OTHNIEL
Hi, welcome to Omar’s!

NEKROMANS
Bite me!

OTHNIEL
Hi, welcome to Omar’s!

ZYZZYVA
Hail Satan!

OTHNIEL
Hi, wel… wait, what, Satan?!

EXT- GENERIC OUTDOOR SETTING- EVENING

The camera shows the sun setting behind some low hills, somewhere in the great American Midwest.

INT- INDIANAPOLIS- OMARS TAVERN- NIGHT

The camera sweeps across the interior of a typical night club, although this one is decorated with a Turkish theme. A poster on the wall reads “Welcome to Omar’s Tavern; a subsidiary of Omar’s Turkish Delights.” GREY WOLF is seen walking through the door. He looks around, twitches for a moment when he sees all the alcohol in the place, and then walks over to a manager.

GREY WOLF
Hi, I was told to report to work here.

MANAGER
Ah, you must be the temp worker assigned to us. Well,
you’re going to be doing the sweeping and cleaning, and
help close up after we shut down for the night.
Let me get you some gear.

He turns and picks up a broom and a dustpan, and turns to give them to GREY WOLF… and his eyes go wide with shock.

The camera switches to his POV, and we see that GREY WOLF has stripped down to his underwear, has a bottle in one hand, and is staggering as he belts out a song at the top of his (unmusical) voice.

GREY WOLF
SHE WUR A ITSEEE BITSEEE TEENEE
WEENEE YELLR POKA DO’ B’KINI….

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- NIGHT

The camera sweeps across the room, showing that LUAKEL has been busy all day. All the growing tanks have been filled with seed mats. LUAKEL places the very last one in, and straightens with a groan. He walks over to a computer station that is marked “Hydroponic Chemical Drip Control.” He takes down one of the many manuals from the shelf nearby and opens it.

LUAKEL
(reading aloud)
For legumes, set the growth medium at 27%, with a potassium mix of 3.5% and a phosphorous ratio of 3:1… oh, fuck this!

He tosses the manual aside, and looks at the computer station for a moment. He types in several commands on the keyboard.

LUAKEL
There… everything at a nice even 50%. Reading sucks.

He leaves the room. As he does, the storage tanks begin to whir, and chemicals start pouring into the growing tanks.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- KITCHEN- NIGHT

FLOCCULENCIO is seen drying a pan he just washed, the last of a large stack by the sink. We see that he has managed to clean part of the kitchen, but a lot remains to be done. He puts the pan down, and looks around the room, with a self satisfied smile on his face. He leaves the room and turns off the light, leaving the room pitch black. After a moment, a pair of red eyes is seen, and a low angry hiss is heard.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S OFFICE- NIGHT

DR. WHAT and LANDSHARK are sitting at the table in here, looking over some computer printouts.

DR. WHAT
So, how did everyone do on their first day?

LANDSHARK
So… tired… must… concentrate.
(shakes head)
Well, we collected just under a quarter of the money we
need to fix the engines. Everyone’s pay is going into the
special account, as you requested. But… I don’t see an
entry for DAVE HOWERY. Damn it, that slacker!

DR. WHAT
It’s probably just an accounting error. He wants to get away
from here as much as the rest of us, he wouldn’t stiff us on this.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- NIGHT

We see DAVE HOWERY building something in here. It is obviously a human shaped robot; the rough framework completed so far has two legs, two arms, and a neck.

CAPTION SCREEN: DAY TWO

INT- AH.COM SHIP- PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S QUARTERS- DAWN

The camera pans across the room, showing that it is decorated with all things Alison: posters, pictures, figurines, rugs, coffee mugs, a life sized cardboard cutout, and a blowup Alison love doll sitting on a chair. The camera pans over to the bed, where PSYCHOMELTDOWN is sprawled out, fast asleep and looking totally exhausted; in fact, he seems to have slept in his clothes. An Alison shaped alarm clock by his bed goes off, but PSYCHOMELTDOWN doesn’t even twitch. After a moment, the clock shuts off, and the lights in the room turn on. LEO CAESIUS is heard on the intercom.

LEO CAESIUS
Wakey wakey, PSYCHO! Time for another day of endless
grunt work repairs under my ever watchful eye.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN stirs and mutters something that sounds like “Five more minutes, Mommy!”

LEO CAESIUS
Fine, then.

The camera pans upward to the ceiling, where a fire suppression system is mounted. One of the nozzles swivels straight down and fires a jet of cold water. Off camera, PSYCHOMELTDOWN is heard screaming in shock and anger.

INT- TOPEKA KS- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAWN

The camera shows TORQUMADA still peeling potatoes, with a blank brain dead stare on his face. He actually drops the potato he’s peeling but doesn’t notice, and keeps making peeling motions with his hands. After a moment, he makes a tossing motion, and then picks up another potato and starts the process over again.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAY

LUAKEL is seen walking in and turning on the lights. He stares around in surprise, and the camera switches to his POV.

The plants in the growing tanks have grown amazingly overnight. They stand tall and vibrantly healthy. Ripening vegetables and fruit can be seen on the stems. LUAKEL looks around with a big grin and walks over to the computer station.

LUAKEL
This is great! And I had the drip amounts only set to 50%!
I bet if I set it to 100%, we’ll have food to last till doomsday!

He types some commands on the keyboard, and the chemical storage tanks gurgle as more chemicals are sent into the growing tanks. LUAKEL smiles and leaves the room. The camera pans back to the growing plants. As the extra chemicals start to pour into the tanks, the plants are seen to… twitch.

INT- NEW YORK CITY- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

We see KIT at his register, waiting on a long line of customers.

SBEGIN
Hi, I’d like two orders of beef kofte, with
ayran to drink, and a side of helva please.

KIT
That’ll be $12.99 at the next window please, thank you.
(pause)
Hi, may I take your order please?

RAN EXILIS
mumble mumble mumble.

KIT
Eh… what was that again?

RAN EXILIS
mumble mumble mumble.

KIT
Uh… a sucuk sandwich with leblebi?

RAN EXILIS
NO!! I WANT AN ORDER OF KUZU GUVEK,
ARE YOU FRIGGING DEAF?!?!

KIT
EEK!

He hides behind the counter.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- KITCHEN- DAY

FLOCCULENCIO is seen with a stack of plates in his arms, balancing them as he moves to put them away. Much of the kitchen has been cleaned, but there is still some work to do. He nudges a cabinet door open with his toe, and starts to bend down, but something long and furry lunges out of it and rears up in front of him. It is a monstrous rat the size of a Saint Bernard, with patchy grey fur and long talons. FLOCCULENCIO howls in terror, drops the plates, tries to scurry backwards, but trips and lands on his butt on the floor. The giant rat moves towards him, and he hastily scoots backwards. He looks around frantically and sees a large cast iron griddle on the floor. He picks it up just as the rat lunges towards him. He swings it down on the rat’s head; the rat drops, twitching. FLOCCULENCIO stands up, looking down at the rat with awe. Sounds from off camera distract him, and he looks around to see more of the monstrous rats coming out of the cabinets; several of them are between him and the door.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen leaning on one of the shift engines, fast asleep, a pipe wrench held in one hand.

LEO CAESIUS
PSYCHO!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN jerks awake and beats the pipe wrench feebly against the engine cowling.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s the carberator, I tell ya….

LEO CAESIUS
Since the shift engines don’t have carberators,
I really doubt that. Now, snap to it, and get to
remagnetizing the containment cylinders
of the Heisenberg Compensator.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn it! That’ll take me half the day!

LEO CAESIUS
Well, if you hadn’t…
(pause)
Hang on, FLOCCULENCIO is yelling for me.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- KITCHEN- DAY

FLOCCULENCIO is seen huddled in a corner. He has a sauce pan on his head as sort of a helmet, the lid of a big roasting pan as sort of a shield, and the big griddle in his other hand. Six of the giant rats are confronting him, hissing and snarling, while four others lie dead on the floor with griddle shaped dents on their heads.

LEO CAESIUS
Damn it, FLOCC, what do you need? I’m trying to keep
PSYCHO busy, and that’s a full time job.

FLOCCULENCIO
Good God, can’t you see?! I’m under attack here! Send help!

LEO CAESIUS
Everyone else is busy. Look, you can’t bother me
every time you run into some vermin. You’ll have
to just handle it yourself. I’m outta here.

FLOCCULENCIO
No! LEO!!

INT- SEATTLE WA- CALL CENTER- DAY

We see DMA and MICHAEL at their desks; both look a little blurry from boredom and lack of sleep.

MICHAEL
Hello, how may I help you? The manager called you a what?!
I’m sorry we had a problem with that, and I’ll… what? No,
I can’t personally fire anyone, but I’ll be happy to turn you over
to… no, ma’am, I’m not being difficult, I really can’t…

MICHAEL listens to the phone for a moment, and then obviously snaps.

MICHAEL
Very well, ma’am, I’ll review the case. You said the manager
called you a fat ugly slob. First of all, I need to know if you
are really fat or not, because I need to know if he lied or not.
Now, I don’t know if you’re ugly, but I’m going to assume
you are, because you sound like you’re ugly. You want to talk
to my superior? Sure, its 1-800-GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

He viciously punches the button to turn off the phone, and looks over at DMA, who is looking at him with wide eyes. MICHAEL blushes a little.

MICHAEL
Whoops. Probably shouldn’t have lost my temper like that.

DMA
Actually… I think you just found a
way to make this job interesting.

The two look at each other a moment, and then both grin.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is sipping a cup of coffee, looking tired, but still sharp eyed. The robot he is building is much more complete, with servomotors, joints, and steel plates all installed. KEIRA is standing behind him, looking at him in puzzlement.

KEIRA
Is this a plan that you and the captain agreed on?

DAVE HOWERY
Not… exactly. But trust me, babe, this is going to make
us more money than me screwing around with ovens and fryers.

KEIRA
I don’t know… I get nervous around
robots after that whole Peanuts thing.

DAVE HOWERY
Trust me, honey, when I get done with this, we’ll
have enough money to keep the ship running for months.

KEIRA
Aren’t you worried the captain will find out what you’re planning?

DAVE HOWERY
How could he? I think he’s off somewhere working, like the rest of us.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

DR.WHAT is seen lying on his couch again, watching his television.

TELEVISION
(soap opera music)
Oh, Brett, tell me you love me! Let’s kill your comatose wife,
collect the insurance money, and run off together, and live the
lives we’ve always dreamed of, as a pair of traveling karaoke singers!

DR. WHAT
Wow. What a bitch.

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

The camera opens on TORQUMADA still mindlessly peeling potatoes. HENDRYK walks in with a steel pan. He pauses to look at TORQUMADA, then reaches out and slaps his cheek. TORQUMADA doesn’t react at first, but then shakes his head and looks up at HENDRYK.

TORQUMADA
Oh… hi. What’s up?

HENDRYK
Need to refill my potato bins. How’s it going down here?

TORQUMADA
What day is it?

HENDRYK
Uh… day 2.

TORQUMADA
That’s it?! I’ll go mad, I tell you, MAD!!
(pause)
Sorry.

HENDRYK
Hey, I understand. I mean really, what kind of drooling
fool would actually like a job like this?

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

We see GBW briskly working at the drive through window. He has a big smile on his face, and is energetically filling orders, taking cash, and thanking customers for their business.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S OFFICE- NIGHT

Once again, LANDSHARK and DR. WHAT are seated at the table. DR. WHAT looks surprisingly rested, while LANDSHARK is a mess.

DR. WHAT
Hey, we’re moving along pretty nicely here.
Have almost half the money we need.

LANDSHARK
Grmph. Mrzzle. Hmphlmp.

DR. WHAT
What? Damn, LANDSHARK, go get some sleep.
You’re a wreck, and you have an early morning tomorrow.

LANDSHARK looks at DR. WHAT with near incomprehension, but the word ‘sleep’ gets through his fogged mind, and he shuffles out of the room.

END ACT I

ACT II

CAPTION SCREEN: DAY THREE

INT- AH.COM SHIP- PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S QUARTERS- DAWN

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen sprawled on his bed again, looking almost comatose in his exhaustion. Suddenly, the lights in the room light to full intensity, and “Stars and Stripes Forever” is heard blasting over the intercom at full volume.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN hops out of bed with a scream and looks around frantically.

LEO CAESIUS
Rise and shine, PSYCHO! I have another
big list of repairs for you today!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN whimpers.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- KITCHEN- DAWN

FLOCCULENCIO is sitting in a corner, pot still on head, lid still in one hand, and griddle still in the other hand. He is red eyed, and obviously exhausted, but is looking around constantly.

FLOCCULENCIO

Can’t sleep, rats will eat me,

can’t sleep, rats will eat me…

INT- TALLAHASSEE FL- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAWN

We see LANDSHARK pull his hands out the dishwasher and look at them in despair.

LANDSHARK
My hands… my poor poor beautiful hands…

A loud thumping sound is heard off camera, and LANDSHARK looks that way. The camera pans from him to IRONYUPPIE who is wielding her meat cleaver with both hands, obviously enjoying her work far too much.

IRONYUPPIE
Why hello (WHACK) there 09CAMERO (WHACK) ,
it’s sooo nice (WHACK) to meet (WHACK) you! (WHACK)

INT- SEATTLE WA- CALL CENTER- DAY

MICHAEL and DMA are seen in here, eager grins on their faces, and a pile of props around them. MICHAEL’S phone rings, and he puts it on speaker.

MICHAEL
Hello, how may I help you?

VOICE ON PHONE
(elderly female voice)
My name is Mrs. Jones, and I have a complaint about your
store in Jackson, Mississippi. They gave me the wrong change
back for the third time this month. I want action taken now!

MICHAEL
Well, I’m sorry we had a problem with that Mrs. Jones,
and we’ll take care of that immediately. In fact, we’re
going to fire the manager right now!

MRS. JONES
Well… that’s harsh, but something needs to be done.

MICHAEL
We have the manager and assistant manager here, and
let me assure you, they will never be a problem again.
First, the assistant manager…

MICHAEL takes out a starter pistol and fires off a blank round. DMA makes a dramatic scream and thumps down hard on the ground.

MICHAEL
There you go, Mrs. Jones, he’s out of the way!

MRS. JONES
Oh my God! You shot him!

MICHAEL
But wait, there’s more! The manager himself
will now be terminated. But first…

MICHAEL takes a couple of thin dowels and snaps them in half.

DMA
(fake high voice)
AHHHHH! My fingers!

MRS. JONES
Oh God, this is horrible! Please stop!

MICHAEL
But Mrs. Jones, we’re just getting to the good part!

DMA
Oh God, not my testicles! No! NO! AHHHHHHH!!

MICHAEL takes a pear of shears and cuts a piece of licorice in half, making a loud snipping sound.

MRS. JONES
For the love of God, please stop… gasp… can’t breathe…

MICHAEL
And now, we terminate him!

MICHAEL puts a watermelon on the desk, takes out a sledgehammer, and hits the melon. It bursts with an awful squashing sound.

MRS. JONES
Vision… going… dim…

MICHAEL
And now, to completely make up for the bad treatment
you received, we’re going to burn down the store in Jackson!

MICHAEL pours lighter fluid into an ashtray and tosses a match into it; the fluid ignites with a whoosh.

MICHAEL
There you go, Mrs. Jones, we’ve made
up for everything they did to you!

Nothing is heard on the speaker phone, except for the gasps and choking of someone having a major coronary. MICHAEL and DMA look at each a moment, and then MICHAEL turns off the speaker. Both sit down quietly.

DMA
Think we overdid it a bit there?

MICHAEL
Nah.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAY

The camera opens on a shot of the door. It opens, and LUAKEL comes in, pulling a cart behind him, with a shovel, pruning shears, and several baskets; he obviously intends to collect the vegetables and fruit. However, he stops and looks around, stunned.

The camera switches to his POV, and we see that the room is massively overgrown, and now looks like a jungle. Strange calls are heard in the depths of the foliage, which shakes as unseen things move through it. No sign of the fruit or vegetables is seen. LUAKEL runs over to the computer station and types in a code on the keyboard. The gurgling sounds of the chemicals running into the tanks stops. As LUAKEL turns to look at the plants in despair, something rustles in the foliage nearby. LUAKEL runs to his cart and grabs the shovel out of it, turning around in fear.

A small animal the size of a sheep comes into view. In fact, it looks a lot like a sheep, but is obviously some mutant form of cauliflower. It has a head and four stubby legs and big dark eyes. It looks up at LUAKEL in curiousity.

LUAKEL
Aww… it’s cute!

He starts to reach down to pet it, but another plant creature leaps out of the foliage. This one looks like a tiger grown out of a monstrous carrot. It leaps on the cauliflower/sheep and tears its head off. It starts to feed on the carcass, but is distracted when LUAKEL hastily backs away. The beast stalks towards him, and he desperately swings the shovel at it. By sheer luck, he swings it edge on the beast’s neck, and cuts the head off. LUAKEL looks down at the two vegetable monsters lying dead on the floor.

LUAKEL
Well… I guess this is dinner.

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

OTHNIEL is still in his greeter position. He looks not as cheerful as he did; the strain is obviously getting to him, and he speaks in a dull monotone as customers walk in.

OTHNIEL
Hi welcome to Omar’s.

DEMOSTHENES
Get lost!

OTHNIEL
Hi welcome to Omar’s.

CHRIS
Suck my balls!

OTHNIEL
Hi welcome to Omar’s.

HAGGIS
Eat me!

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

The camera opens with a close shot of DAVE HOWERY working on something off camera. He pulls back, screwdriver in hand, and wipes his forehead with one hand. The camera pulls back, and we see that the robot he has been working on is an exact copy of DR. WHAT. KEIRA is standing behind DAVE, rubbing her hands together anxiously.

KEIRA

Oh, DAVE, I think the captain is going to
be really peeved if he finds out about this.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, I’ll make sure he doesn’t find out then. Besides,
I always wanted to have a copy of DOC, just in case I
ever want to issue orders in his name and not have him
know about it. And now…

He takes out a remote control and pushes a button. The WHATBOT opens its eyes and looks around. It looks at DAVE and grins.

WHATBOT
Hey, dude!

DAVE HOWERY
Hey. How are you?

WHATBOT
All systems are nominal.

KEIRA looks nervously at the WHATBOT, and then over at the glass cabinet that BILL and HILLARY are stored in.

KEIRA
DAVE, he’s… not like those two, is he?

DAVE HOWERY
Nope. He doesn’t have one bit of sexual programming in his coding.
Hell, I didn’t even make him a penis… unnecessary work.

The WHATBOT looks horrified, and runs a hand over its crotch. A look of fury goes across its face.

WHATBOT
You… bastard!!

It grabs DAVE HOWERY by the throat, throttling him. DAVE flounders for a moment, trying to remove the arms, and then pushes a button on the remote control. The WHATBOT releases him and shuts down. DAVE HOWERY takes a deep gasping breath.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, I do have to tweak his programming a little.

INT- NEW YORK CITY- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

KIT is seen working on the cash register. He is also showing the strain, and has deep circles under his eyes.

KIT
Hi, may I take your order please.

ELLE JAY
Yes, I’d like a number seven, hold the garlic.

KIT
Number 7, hold the garlic, that’ll be $7.89 at the next window, thank you.
Hi, may I take your order please.

SUNSURF
I’d like a number 5, large sized, with guava juice.

KIT
Number 5, large sized, guava juice, that’ll be…

SUNSURF
No, I said a number 3.

KIT
No, you said a number 5, but I can…

SUNSURF
DAMN IT, I KNOW WHAT I SAID, NOW GIVE
ME A GODDAMN NUMBER 4 RIGHT NOW!!

KIT
EEK!

He hides behind the counter.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

DR. WHAT is playing a game on an X-Box, furiously working the controller. A game box beside him has the title “Smurfs: the Game.” The sounds of explosions and digital screams are heard on the television. DR. WHAT suddenly stops and stares at the screen, then gets up and does a happy dance.

DR. WHAT
YES!! I killed Gargamel! Woo hoo!!

LEO CAESIUS
Uh, DOC, I hate to interrupt you when you’re ‘busy’, but…
actually, that’s not true, I love interrupting you. Anyway,
you’d better check up on some of the stuff going on around
the ship. I’m getting strange readings from the Hydroponics Bay,
and FLOCCULENCIO hasn’t come out of the kitchen since yesterday morning.

DR. WHAT
Oh all right.

He gets up and goes over to an intercom system on the wall, and pushes a couple of buttons.

DR. WHAT
Hey, LUAKEL, how’s it going down there?

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAY

LUAKEL is seen answering DR. WHAT’S page on the intercom.

LUAKEL
Everything’s fine, DOC. I even have some vegetables
harvested for dinner tomorrow night.

DR. WHAT (on intercom)
Keep up the good work. Out.

As LUAKEL pushes the button to turn off the intercom, the camera pulls back, and we see that he is holding the shovel, and that it is covered with bits of plant leaves and juices. A loud roar is heard by something off camera, and several long vine/tentacles reach towards LUAKEL. He swings the shovel at them.

LUAKEL
Back, hellspawn, BACK!!

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

DR. WHAT pushes another button on the intercom.

DR. WHAT
FLOCC? How’s it going in the kitchen? You all right?

No answer is heard on the intercom, only the sounds of gasping for breath, several odd clanging blows, and then FLOCCULENCIO is heard screaming in the background, “THOSE EYES! THOSE EYES! THOSE HORRIBLE RED EYES!” DR. WHAT shrugs and turns off the intercom.

DR. WHAT
Hey, I checked.

He rubs his hands together in happiness, and goes back to his game.

INT- INDIANNAPOLIS- OMAR’S TAVERN- NIGHT

GREY WOLF is seen in here, sweeping the floor and wiping down tables, under the stern gaze of one of the bouncers. He looks longingly at the booze all around, but the bouncer doesn’t take his eyes off him for a second. As he works, a pair of girls poses at the bar, while their friend snaps a picture. The flash makes the bouncer blink and rub his eyes briefly. When he opens them again, he looks on in wide surprise. The camera switches to his POV, and we see that GREY WOLF has stripped down to his underwear, is dancing drunkenly on a table, holding a bottle, and singing a song horribly off key.

GREY WOLF
THER ISH A HOUSHE IN NEW AWLINS,
THEY CALL TH’ RISIN’ SUNNNNNN…

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S OFFICE- NIGHT

DR. WHAT and LANDSHARK are seated at the table again, looking over computer printouts. LANDSHARK is fast asleep, snoring on the table.

DR. WHAT
Hey, we’re getting there! We have enough cash now to get repairs
started tomorrow. I’ll call down and have the crews get started
first thing in the morning. One more day, and
we’ll have enough to pay it all off.

He looks down at LANDSHARK snoring, takes out a marker and draws a little Hitler mustache on his upper lip, and then leaves the room.

CAPTION SCREEN: DAY FOUR

INT- AH.COM SHIP- PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S QUARTERS- DAWN

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen sleeping sprawled on his bed, utterly unconscious.

LEO CAESIUS
(soft low voice)
PSYYYYCHOOOOO…..

PSYCHOMELTDOWN twitches in his sleep, but doesn’t wake up.

LEO CAESIUS
(soft low voice)
PSYYYYYCHOOOOOO….

He curls up into a fetal position, but doesn’t wake up. The lights in the room blast on to full intensity, and a noise comes out of the speakers that sounds like car horns, fog horns, and steam engine whistles combined. PSYCHOMELTDOWN leaps to his feet and runs blindly across the room, slamming into the opposite wall at full speed. He knocks himself out and lands flat on his back.

LEO CAESIUS
Up and at ‘em, PSYCHO! We’ve got lots to do…
(pause)
Uh… PSYCHO?

The camera switches to a close up of PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S face. His eyes are rolled back, and he has a wide goofy grin… and is out cold.

LEO CAESIUS
Whoops.

INT- TALLAHASSEE FL- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAWN

LANDSHARK is seen washing dishes. He pulls his hands out and looks at them; they are rough, red, and wrinkled. He bursts into tears.

LANDSHARK
One more day…

The camera pans over to IRONYUPPIE, who seems to have lost her enthusiasm for the work. She is chopping the meat half-heartedly.

IRONYUPPIE
One more day…

INT- TOPEKA KS- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAWN

TORQUMADA is seen still peeling potatoes. For the first time, a very slight glimmer of hope is on his face.

TORQUMADA
One more day…

Up in the kitchen, HENDRYK is assembling trays of food.

HENDRYK
One more day…

INT- MEMPHIS TN- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAWN

THANDE is seen stirring a pot of something with a wooden spoon. He is staring off blankly at nothing as he does. A coworker comes up to him, looks at him puzzled, and then takes the pot away. THANDE doesn’t notice and keeps stirring with the wooden spoon in the air.

THANDE
One more day…

INT- AH.COM SHIP- HYDROPONICS BAY- DAWN

LUAKEL is seen at the computer station, and has obviously been up all night, reprogramming the drip settings. He has the very last manual on the very last page, and looks at it blearily.

LUAKEL
And finally… zucchini…

He types in several commands and put the manual back on the shelf. He turns, and the camera switches angles. The room looks different; nearly all of the rampant jungle growth has disappeared, and most of the plants look like they are now growing properly. He walks over to the wheeled cart, now piled high with vegetable monster carcasses. Along with the cauliflower/sheep and carrot/tiger, there is a potato/bear, several string bean/snakes, a huge tomato with a fanged maw, and a strawberry as big as a recliner chair. LUAKEL picks up the cart handle and pulls it out of the room.

INT- SAULT STE. MARIE- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

OTHNIEL is at his greeter station, and now looks totally haggard. He is muttering more than speaking when he greets customers.

OTHNIEL
Hi welcome to Omar’s.

DEAN THE YOUNG
Drop dead!

OTHNIEL
(muttering)
One more day…

Over at the drive through window, GBW is energetically handing out orders, taking cash, and thanking them. But a look of deep despair goes over his face.

GBW
Only one more day left!

He breaks down into tears.

INT- NEW YORK CITY- OMAR’S TURKISH DELIGHTS- DAY

KIT is seen at the cash register, and he also looks very tired and haggard. As he watches, a customer knocks over a drink and spills soda all over the counter and the floor.

KIT
One more day…

INT- SEATTLE WA- CALL CENTER- DAY

DMA and MICHAEL are seen at their stations, but they are looking around anxiously at their coworkers.

DMA 
Think anyone tied us to all those prank calls?

MICHAEL
No. Now act cool, and we can pull this off.

DMA
One more day…

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is seen talking to the WHATBOT, who has apparently been reprogrammed. KEIRA is stretched out asleep on a work table in the background.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, you have all the details down, right?

WHATBOT
Yes, DAVE.

DAVE HOWERY
Then head down to the Teleportation Room and get started.

WHATBOT
Yes, DAVE.

The WHATBOT walks out of the room. DAVE HOWERY walks over to his desk and picks up a cup of coffee. He sees KEIRA asleep nearby, and smiles fondly down at her. He reaches down and strokes her cheek. She stirs, but doesn’t wake.

DAVE HOWERY
(low voice)
Another day with you…

INT- AH.COM SHIP- KITCHEN- DAY

FLOCCULENCIO is seen moving warily around, facing off against two of the giant rats, apparently all that remains. He looks gaunt and weary, but very alert. One of the rats charges him, and he slams the griddle down on its head, killing it instantly. The other rat darts forward and sinks its teeth into the pot lid; FLOCCULENCIO barely hangs onto it. He lashes out with the griddle and drops the other rat. He stands upright and howls in wordless victory.

At that moment, the door opens and LUAKEL enters, pulling the cart behind him. He looks first at FLOCCULENCIO (still with the pot on his head, pot lid in one hand, and griddle in the other) , and then at all the dead giant rats scattered around the room. He opens his mouth to ask a question, but then just shakes his head.

LUAKEL
No. I’m not going to ask. Here’s dinner.

He drops the cart handle and walks out of the room. FLOCCULENCIO looks at the vegetable monsters in the cart, clearly puzzled.

FLOCCULENCIO
What the hell is all this?

EXT- BOSTON- DAY

The camera opens on a scene inside the armored truck driven by the guard; MATT is still on the passenger side.

MATT
God, this has been boring.
No robbery attempts, nothing.
One more day…

GUARD
Hey, around here, we regard a day with no
robbery attempts as a good one… what the hell?!

He slams on the brakes, bringing the truck to a screeching halt.

GUARD
I swear, he just appeared there out of thin air!

MATT
Uh… DOC?

The camera switches to a scene outside the truck. The WHATBOT is standing there in the middle of the road. As the two guards look on in puzzlement, the WHATBOT grabs the front of the truck and turns it over. It falls on its side with a thunderous crash. The WHATBOT walks around to the back of the truck. As it does, we see MATT pull himself up out of the cab through the side window, looking rather battered. The WHATBOT tears one of the doors off of its hinges, seizes two bags of money, and then goes running off down the street at an impossible speed. The guard and MATT barely get on their feet and draw their guns when the robot runs out of sight.

GUARD
You know what this means, don’t you?
Lots and lots of paperwork.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DR. WHAT’S QUARTERS- DAY

DR. WHAT (the real one) is seen lying on his couch and watching what sounds like lesbian porn on the television. The intercom beeps.

G BONE
DOC, just thought you should knowthat the repair crews just left.
Also, most of the crew has returned to the ship. Looks like we did it!

DR. WHAT
God, what time is it?

G BONE
About 6:30, ship time.

DR .WHAT
Okay. Let’s have everyone assemble in the dining hall.
This calls for a celebration, and I bet
FLOCC has prepared something good.

The intercom clicks off. DR. WHAT stands, stretches, and smiles.

DR. WHAT
We did it. One more day of exploring the timelines…

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DINING HALL- NIGHT

Nearly the entire crew is assembled in here. Only MATT and DAVE HOWERY are absent. The crew looks tired, but happy. The table has been filled with a great feast… piles and piles of food, drink, and deserts. DR. WHAT stands and raises his glass.

DR. WHAT
To all of you! You came through when things looked bad,
and got the job done, as you always do!

Everyone raises their glasses and cheers. DR. WHAT turns to PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who has a bandage around his head and looks confused.

DR. WHAT
And to the man who got everything done in Engineering,
so the repair crews were able to fix everything in just a few hours!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m an engineer?

DR. WHAT
Of course… you all right, PSYCHO?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
My name is PSYCHO?

DR. WHAT shakes his head in bewilderment, and faces the crew again.

DR. WHAT
And to LUAKEL, who did a great job in Hydroponics
and grew all this great feast for us!

HENDRYK
It is great… but why isn’t there any broccoli?

Everyone goes quiet as LUAKEL looks up with a murderous expression.

LUAKEL
Broccoli? BROCCOLI?!?! You want some goddamn broccoli?!
After all I went through while you guys were having a grand old
time doing light work down there, all you can do is whine about broccoli?!
AHHHHHHH!!!

LUAKEL jumps to his feet, knocks over a bowl of gravy, kicks MICHAEL in the leg, and runs out of the room, sobbing and crying.

MICHAEL
Ow!

DR. WHAT
Shouldn’t have gone there, HENDRYK. Anyway… let’s hear it
for FLOCCULENCIO, who cleaned up the kitchen and cooked this feast!

Everyone cheers, but then OTHNIEL suddenly coughs and sputters. He picks up a long pink tail out of his soup bowl.

OTHNIEL
What the… I thought you cleaned these dishes!

Everyone quiets as FLOCCULENCIO looks up with a murderous expression.

FLOCCULENCIO
A tail?! You’re whining about a stupid tail?! After
I cleaned all the dishes that you bozos left dirty for
months and fought a horde of giant rats with a damn
griddle, all you can do is whine about a little tail in your soup?!
AHHHHHHHHH!!

FLOCCULENCIO leaps to his feet, knocks over another bowl of gravy, kicks MICHAEL in the leg, and runs out of the room, sobbing and crying.

MICHAEL
OW!!

DR. WHAT
Oh boy. Well, in the end, we got it done anyway. After
a good night’s sleep, tomorrow, we’re out of here!

Everyone cheers loud and long at that. DR. WHAT sits back down.

DR. WHAT
By the way, LANDSHARK, did we have any
cash left over after paying for the repairs?

LANDSHARK
(pulls out a PDA unit)
Not much. I think it was about $50 or so…

The PDA makes a beep, and LANDSHARK looks down at it with wide eyes.

LANDSHARK
What… the… hell?!? It says here that a deposit of
$328,000 was made just before the bank closed!

The entire room goes quiet in shock.

DR. WHAT
But… how…
(pause)
Who made the deposit?

LANDSHARK
It says you did.

DR. WHAT
But that’s impossible! I haven’t been off the ship in days!

G BONE
Uh… yes, you were, DOC. I teleported you to the
surface this afternoon, and you came back just after 5:00.

DR. WHAT
No I didn’t. What the hell is going on here?

DAVE HOWERY bursts into the room, looking worried.

DAVE HOWERY
I hate to interrupt the feast, but everyone needs to get
to stations immediately. The planet is sending warships after us!

DR .WHAT
What… why?! We paid for the repairs! We did everything
legal and honest this time, and we hardly ever do that!

MATT walks into the room, glaring at DAVE HOWERY.

MATT
I bet I can guess why. I just came out of 2 hours of
interrogation by the security company. That was really
unpleasant. Anything you want to tell us, DAVE?

DAVE HOWERY
Me? I didn’t do anything!

In spite of this statement, DAVE HOWERY has an obviously guilty look on his face. The rest of the crew looks at him with suspicion.

DR. WHAT
DAVE… what did you DO?!

DAVE HOWERY
Nothing, MATT’S crazy, I… oh all right, I’ll tell you,
but we need to get to stations right away.

Everyone jumps to their feet and runs out of the room.

EXT- SPACE

The AH.COM is seen rocketing through space, towards a wormhole forming just ahead of it, as a pair of smaller spacecraft chase it, firing weapons. Just before the ship moves into the wormhole, the voice of the entire crew (except DAVE HOWERY) is heard yelling on a voice over.

CREW
DAVE, YOU IDIOT!!!

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS

TEASER

INT. – CHRIS’S ROOM – DAY

CHRIS is sitting in a chair, staring at the audience..

CHRIS
Good Morning, fellow AH.COMMERS. It has come to my
attention that some of you have not been leaving comments
for my stories. As anyone could tell you…this is very demoralising a
nd is contributing to my poverty.
(Pause)
And we all know what the cure for poverty is, don’t we?

KID
Money?

CHRIS
Quite right, money! If you want me to write more,
you could pay me, or at least
(screams)
LEAVE A COMMENT, YOU STUPID WANKERS!

CHRIS stops, gasping for breath. There is a long pause.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
CHRIS, get on with it!

CHRIS
(puzzled)
Get on with what?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I said you could have this little rant if you
wrote a second AH.COM episode, remember?

CHRIS
(quickly)
I did?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
YES!

CHRIS
Ah, come on, they deserve a break from adventures for just one week.
Think of how much better it would be if I just wrote twenty pages of
ranting about the bastards who don’t comment…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And keep it clean, this time. We
want to break into the children’s market.
There’s an ass load of money to be
made in the children’s market.

CHRIS
(outraged)
Clean? Me? What about the sex? The drugs?
The rock and roll? Landie’s relationship with Erikka?
We are not suitable for children…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well? I want fan service! I want a script that
will make people say…’why, that PSYCHOMELTDOWN,
he has a talent for getting the best out of people’.

CHRIS
You’d be better off offering huge cash bribes.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But you get to use this as a
platform for your right-wing views.

CHRIS
All right, all right, I’ll get on with it.
(mutters)
Me thinks that Indian man speaks with forked tongue.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m writing…

CHRIS
Don’t you mean waiting?

The title scenes start to roll as PSYCHOMELTDOWN advances on CHRIS with a threatening air.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series

“THE PLANET OF PORN”

Written By: CHRIS

ACT 1

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The CTT.NET is under attack by three smaller ships, battling it out for supremacy in a display that would awe any SFviewer.

INT. – CTT.NET BRIDGE – DAY

ADAM
Captain, enemy ships are closing in and firing heavy weapons.

CHRIS
All shields to max, open fire!

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The CTT.NET rocks under a hail of fire from the enemy ships.

INT. – CTT.NET BRIDGE – DAY

ADAM
One enemy ship destroyed, two more closing in and firing…
(beat)
They’re hailing us!

CHRIS
Open communications.

The viewsceen lights up with a dark-skinned man wearing a Turkish Fez. It is, of course, ABDUL HADI PASHA

ABDUL HADI PASHA
This is Admiral ABDUL HADI PASHA of the
Inevitable European Caliphate. Surrender your
ship at once or be destroyed!

CHRIS’s mouth drops wide open and his face goes very pale.

CHRIS
I knew it! They said I was mad, they said I was
a right-winger, but look at me now! I was right!
(pause)
I wish Hendryk was here to see this!
(back to ABDUL)
Surrender, never!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
I shall pray for your soul.
(to his crew)
Open fire!

CHRIS
(To ADAM)
Arm all weapons! Prepare the final instruments
of doom and gloom! Launch the Kratman Missiles!
Launch the Ringo Plasma Cannons. Launch the Styrn Guns!

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The enemy ships rock under the weight of the fire, but all of them remain intact.

INT. – CTT.NET BRIDGE – DAY

ADAM
Our weapons are ineffective!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(Gloating) Don’t you know that all of them predicted the inevitable Caliphate?

CHRIS
Damn!

ADAM
Sir, we’ve got another ship coming in…it’s the AH.COM!

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM races into the battle!

INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT takes action.

DOCTOR WHAT
GBW, DMA, target those ships and
drive them off the CTT.NET, now!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(appearing on viewscreen) You sons of dogs
are well known as the most immoral bunch
of inter-dimensional explorers in the history
of the Multiverse!

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling at the praise) Who the hell are you?

ABDUL HADI PASHA
This is Admiral ABDUL HADI PASHA of
the Inevitable European Caliphate. Surrender
your ship at once or be destroyed!

HENDRYK
(protesting)
But there is nothing inevitable about the Caliphate

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(leering)
and why don’t you just keep thinking that, eh?

CHRIS breaks into the viewscreen, shoving ABDUL to one side. They shove backwards and forwards until there is an uneasy truce, with each face taking up half the screen.

CHRIS
I told you so!

HENDRK is about to say something, but KIT beats him to it..

KIT
(To ABDUL)
Lover! I missed you so!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(shocked)
Um…what?

KIT
(To ABDUL)
Don’t you remember our times together?

CHRIS
Of course he does…

Shooting breaks out on ABDUL’s bridge.

GBW
The enemy ships are moving away.
(Pause)
Now they’ve jumped out and vanished.

CHRIS
A triumph for bigotry over common sense.

INT. – AH.COM LOUNGE – DAY .

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, CHRIS, we seem to have saved your arse again.

CHRIS
(To HENDRK)
I told you so!

HENDRYK
(angry)
Your bloody people made it come true!

CHRIS
Don’t worry, I looked into China’s history
in that world. It never happened.
(Pause)
In fact, China never existed there

The camera closes in on HENDRYK..

HENDRYK
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

CHRIS
(over him) All right, all right…

HENDRYK
…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

DOCTOR WHAT
(over him)
Shut up!

HENDRYK keeps screaming until IRONYUPPIE slaps him and carts him off to her dungeon. I mean her cabin. Hem hem..

DOCTOR WHAT
Now that’s settled…what about the loot?

CHRIS
(carefully)
What loot?

DOCTOR WHAT
The last time we talked, you said you had
something for me if I helped you again.
I seem to have saved your butt.

KIT
I saved his butt
(eyes CHRIS)
Say, how about a night in my cabin as a reward?

CHRIS edges away..

CHRIS
Ah…as founding member of the
AH.COM BUSH LOVERS SOCIETY…

HENDRYK
(In distance)
ONLY Member!

CHRIS
I have to keep my homosexual exploits under wraps.
(To DOCTOR WHAT)
Bruno, I have the goods, the goods, and nothing but the goods.
(pulls a CD out of his pocket)
I went on a quest, chatted up many lovely ladies,
and finally hunted down the man behind this nightmare,
and then grabbed him and took the disc from him.
(To himself)
No one must know I found it in the toilet.
(To DOCTOR WHAT)
I have here the key to the greatest treasure
in the Multiverse…the Planet of Porn!

The crew stare at the CD as if it contained the secret to eternal life.

DOCTOR WHAT
(drooling)
Give that here, now!

CHRIS
Finish Snake Oil first!

DOCTOR WHAT grabs a pen and writes with frantic speed..

DOCTOR WHAT
There, done! Now, give me the CD?

CHRIS
I must warn you that there’s a curse…

DOCTOR WHAT
(grabbing CD)
Never mind that, get out of here; we have a
quest to find the PLANET OF PORN!
(Pause)
What? You’re still here?

Dramatic music plays.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY .

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, find me that damn world!

LEO
Humm….

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind thinking about it, just hurry up!

The camera pans around to reveal all the crew, waiting to hear the results..

LEO
Humm….the CD definitely seems to contain a location,
Bruno; it really does look like a world where there is…

He pauses.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where there is porn, Bruno, lots and lots of porn!

LEO
Quite right, Doc.

OTHNIEL
We must go there at once!

DOCTOR WHAT
I knew we’d finally get you turned around…
(Pause)
You’re going to suggest that we save them all from porn, right?

OTHNIEL nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t worry, we’ll save them all from porn by…
(OTHNIEL looks hopeful)
Transferring it all onboard this ship!
(Turns to helm.)
Landie…wait a minute, you’re not LANDSHARK!

DAVE HOWERY
(For it is he) I was the only one who bothered
to suggest something, so I guess CHRIS gave
me the greatest roles…

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine, fine, set a course for the planet of porn!
(Pause)
Oh, and Erika, would you mind
putting OTHNIEL out of the way?

The scene fades out as IRONYUPPIE drags OTHNIEL away.

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM turns and vanishes into a vortex.

MUCH LATER

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM emerges out of a vortex

INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY .

DOCTOR WHAT
(Tugging on his tunic)
Report!

DAVE HOWERY
(VERY bad Scottish accent)
The engines canna take it any more,
Captain; we’re gonna blow.

DOCTOR WHAT
(To himself)
I told you it wasn’t funny the first time.
What makes you think the hundredth time would make it so?

DAVE HOWERY
It just will, damn it!

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, for God’s sake, report!

LEO
(Portentous voice)
Bruno, B-Man…we are in orbit above the planet of porn, but…

The crew race out of the door, struggling to pass through it, finally kicked through by IRONYUPPIE. LEO tries to say something, but every time he speaks, the noise of the scum overwhelms him.

LEO
But they didn’t hear me complete my report…

Ominous music begins to play.

EXT. – THE PLANET OF PORN, EDINBURGH – DAY

The crew appear with a loud pop.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where’s my porn?

LANDSHARK
Do you ever think about anything else?

DOCTOR WHAT
By IAN, I do believe I don’t. Naughty Bruno.

They catch sight of a shop and DOCTOR WHAT leads the charge. The shop is selling Porn. Lots and lots of porn.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve hit the mother lode, lads…

KIT
Doc, have a look around.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around. The team is surrounded by naked men and women, none of whom look the slightest bit aroused.

DOCTOR WHAT
What in the name of…co-ed spanking nurses is going on?

LEO
(Over com) You should have let me finish, B-Man.
(Evilly)
These puny fleshlings have seen so much porn that they’re immune to it.
(Pause)
HA-HA!

DOCTOR WHAT’s face pales.

DOCTOR WHAT
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – THE PLANET OF PORN, EDINBURGH – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is still screaming.

DOCTOR WHAT
….OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….

TORQUMADA
Let me try this…

He pulls out a small device and zaps DOCTOR WHAT with it. DOCTOR WHAT stops screaming and falls over.

DOCTOR WHAT
(groaning)
What the hell hit me?
(beat)
Get away from my wallet! Fiends!

LANDSHARK
(Maliciously)
You just found out that all the men and women
on this planet were not strangely aroused.

DOCTOR WHAT’S eyes roll back in his head, but IRONYUPPIE slaps him before he can faint, or start screaming again.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, what the hell happened here?

LEO
I can’t help you, Bruno; I fear that
I am a little indisposed at the moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
(under breath) Damn computer
(Pause)
All right, I guess it’s up to us to find out what’s happened here.
(Glances around and sees a naked lady)
I think we’ll ask her.

The crew walk over to the lady, a blonde bombshell. Despite her nakedness, and the looks she is getting from the remainder of the crew, she doesn’t seem at all uneasy in their presence, although she eyes DOCTOR WHAT’s crotch and tries to hide a snigger. She is beautiful beyond words, with large breasts and other things I would detail, where it not for the death threats from PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

DOCTOR WHAT
Pardon me, Madam.

KILNGIRL
You have an erection!

DOCTOR WHAT
(nonplussed)
Yes…

LANDSHARK
(Quickly)
What? That little thing?

KILNGIRL
(With dignity)
It’s the biggest erection that anyone has had
here since the damn pornmaster arrived.

DOCTOR WHAT
But you don’t find it strangely arousing?

KILNGIRL
(Embarrassed) Umm, well…
(coughs)
But you are not affected?

DOCTOR WHAT
The short version of the tale is that we’re from an
alternate world and we came here to find the porn.
(Pause, speaks in false doctor’s voice)
What happened, my dear?

KILNGIRL
Oh, it was terrible. One day, Parliament passed the Porn Laws,
allowing the sale of Porn everywhere…and those who didn’t like
it were exterminated in the Porn Wars.

THANDE coughs loudly. Everyone looks at him.

KILNGIRL
Porn was everywhere and everyone watched it. They watched it
from dawn till dusk and then they found that nothing turned them
on any more. It became more and more extreme, darker and darker,
and still…none of our men could get hard. We women weren’t much
better; we couldn’t even muster the energy to lie back and think
of England, and…well, the birth rate in this place has fallen…

MATT
(Hopefully)
We all have erections and I’m sure that a former
US Marine could satisfy your cravings.

KILNGIRL
(Sadly)
The soldiers won’t fuck and they won’t fight.
(To herself)
And I don’t have any cravings.
(To DOCTOR WHAT)
Don’t you understand?
Porn killed this world!

KLINGIRL leaves. Behind her, the AH.COMMERS watch her go.

LANDSHARK
Hey, DOC, did you ever know
that your addition could be harmful?

DOCTOR WHAT
(Angry)
WE ARE GOING TO SAVE
THESE PEOPLE,
UNDERSTAND?

TORQUMADA
(doctor mode)
well, it’s clear that the cause was the porn, so we
should simply open fire on it and blow it away.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hypnotised tone)
Porn is not to blame. Porn is good.
(IRONYUPPIE slaps him)
Ouch. All right; LEO, where is the pornmaster based?

LEO
(On Com)
Where else, B-Man? Edinburgh castle

The crew look up towards the castle. It has been replaced with a vaguely phallic shape, sticking up into the sky.

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course…come on, come on…

The crew start to walk towards the castle. A montage of shots as they walk, revealing more naked men and women, other men and women dressed up in sexy outfits and still others trying desperately to arouse themselves. A phonespammer flies around, selling Viagra, but somehow it isn’t enough to make people interested in sex once again. The entire city is dull and listless, no one is drinking, fighting or even leering at the naked women.

THANDE
Stop it! Stop it now!

LANDSHARK
WTF is he on about?

IRONYUPPIE
I think he’s been drinking his own creations again…

DOCTOR WHAT glares at her…

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
This nightmare will come to an end!

IRONYUPPIE
Isn’t he cute when he tries to be firm?

LANDSHARK
(astonished)
I thought that that was what you always said to me!

IRONYUPPIE
It isn’t cute when you’re not firm.
(shakes hard)
Honestly, men. Once day, we’ll replace them all
with robo-men from the planet of the Large Men
with Massive Pleasure Appendixes.

MATT
Sexist. Why can’t it be the planet of the Large Women
with Enormous Pleasure Appendixes?

IRONYUPPIE
I think we’ve been to that planet before.
That world full of transsexuals.

LANDSHARK
See, MATT, a world for you.

IRONYUPPIE
HAH!

MATT
I. HATE. YOU. ALL.

DOCTOR WHAT
Here we are…and onwards we go,
into the belly of the beast,
rode the six hundred, onwards,
ever onwards, to the setting of the sun…

LEO
(Breaking in)
Doc, I think you’ve got your poems mixed up.

DOCTOR WHAT
Would I get something wrong?

IRONYUPPIE
Well, there was that moment when you went to bed
with that transgendered priest from universe 765676583.
There was that time when you tried to attack the Hub.
There was that time when you didn’t comment on
CHRIS’s latest master piece…

CHRIS
(off) Note subtext here.

IRONYUPPIE
(Continuing) .
There was that time when you trusted WARD.
There was that time when you tried to make love to me and
couldn’t get it up. There was that time when you were knocking
ATA up. There was that time when…

MUCH later…

IRONYUPPIE
There was that time when…

DOCTOR WHAT
All right, I’ve made a few screwy decisions in my time…

IRONYUPPIE
A few?

DOCTOR WHAT
But we have to save these people, Erica; please…

IRONYUPPIE
(graciously)
Very well, BRUNO; let us enter the castle.

INT. – EDINBURGH CASTLE – DAY

The Castle’s interior is cold and grey, a relief after spending time in the streets of the warped city. The Crew advance, weapons at the ready, though a set of corridors in which nothing can be seen, but images of a strange face that seems somehow impossible to see clearly. The crew examine the images from time to time, but none of them resolve into a face. The only sign of life is faint music from down the corridor, so naturally the crew go to investigate.

The corridor opens suddenly into a balcony, overlooking a large bedroom. They peer down, and see an astonishingly beautiful girl…ah, servicing a handsome man with an enormous pecker. The sight is so astonishing that it takes the crew a moment to realise who it is…it’s MATT!

MATT
Well…fuck me.

IRONYUPPIE
That must be the most appropriate use of those words ever.

FLOID enters from a side door.

FLOID
(To ALT-MATT) .
Come along, you impotent scrum; shoot your wad
so we can get on with the screen where she slaps
your face, dumps you, and goes off with those
damn lesbians your counterpart created!

The crew (except MATT) bursts out laughing. FLOID looks up and sees them.

FLOID
What the…you!

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
Yes, us. Pornmaster! Once again, we clash…
first you stole the ship of a friend of mine…

FLOID
And that bastard went off and sold my porn,
after telling me that it had all been deleted.

LANDSHARK
(To himself)
So that’s how he hired those ghost writers.

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him with the ease of long practice)
And now you have stripped this world of its
capability for finding Porn arousing. You will
suffer like no man has ever suffered!

FLOID
A fate worse than death?

IRONYUPPIE
Of course not, you bastard; worse than that!

FLOID
A fate worse than a fate worse than death?
What did I ever do to you people anyway?

MATT
You didn’t let me get laid!

KIT
You made me sleep with girls!

DOCTOR WHAT’s comlink buzzes

OTHNIEL
You exposed me to naked women!
It was almost as bad as being a Mormon.

FLOID
Apart from that? What have I done to you recently?

DOCTOR WHAT
YOU are going to pay. I am going to take you back to the Hub,
where the Great and Mighty IAN will stand in judgement over you,
using his godlike powers to make you pay for what you have done!

FLOID
But you don’t understand…
(a lone violin plays ‘hearts and flowers’)
I’m not the one in charge here.

DOCTOR WHAT
(not believing him for a nanosecond)
Really?

FLOID
When I left the CTT.NET, I found myself lost in
the Multiverse, until I encountered HIM.

DOCTOR WHAT
HIM?

FLOID
But there are so much more interesting things to do.
Why not star in one of my epics? All of you, except him
(points to MATT)
could star…

IRONYUPPIE
Are you daring to suggest that I should…
put on a show for thousands of viewers?

FLOID
Of course
(Eyes her)
You would look just right tied to a bed, while your boyfriend there
(nods to LANDSHARK)
could advance on you, pretending to be attacking you and…

LANDSHARK
Hey, that sounds pretty good!

IRONYUPPIE flattens him with a punch, and then advances on FLOID.

IRONYUPPIE
If you suggest anything else along those lines,
I will rip your spine out and use it for purposes
so unspeakable that no one will speak of them.

LANDSHARK
(Dazed, on floor)
Hey, that sounds pretty good!

IRONYUPPIE
Shut up!
(To FLOID)
Now, WTF is going on here?

FLOID
The man took me and told me to produce Porn, using
this world as a base, and then give them all the Porn.
We made tons of Porn and just…gave it away.
(He starts sobbing)
We made all that lovely porn and we can’t even benefit from it!

DOCTOR WHAT
(Outraged)
A crime against humanity!

IRONYUPPIE
Gee, Doc, weren’t you talking
about punishing this guy?

DOCTOR WHAT
I can’t punish a man who’s
so obviously a victim, can I?

FLOID runs out the door. A moment later, he is followed by hundreds of nude women and a handful of nude men, fleeing for their lives.

DOCTOR WHAT
(drooling)
That’s the way to go, my friends; after them!

GBW
Weren’t we trying to catch the person responsible for all this?

DOCTOR WHAT pauses just long enough for all the women to escape.

LANDSHARK
You just had to use logic
and reason, didn’t you?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, GBW is right
(Pause)
A new personal best for him, eh?
(Pause)
Come on, we have to find the person
responsible for all this…GBW has spoken.

IRONYUPPIE
(under breath)
Now what’s gotten into him?

The crew advance down the corridor and finally come into a large room, obviously designed by some jerkass out to take over the world. There is a massive chair in the centre of the room, with its back turned so the crew cannot see who’s sitting there, gazing at the monitors that show an series of different images, half of them porn. One of the monitors is focused on the crew, clearly taken by a camera high above them…

WEAPON M
Time for some action here!

He points his BFG up at the ceiling and unleashes a blast of plasma fire into the camera.

LANDSHARK
(Angry)
You stupid…what are you again?
You’ve just told him we’re here!

IRONYUPPIE
(Whispering)
Plan, Doc?

The figure in the chair, still hidden from their view, speaks. The voice is oddly familiar, but no one can place it.

FIGURE
Do you think you can hide from me?
(Pause)
I have watched you ever since you landed on my world.
(Pause)
And you are now quaking in terror
at the mere thought of my name…

DOCTOR WHAT
MIKE COLLINS?

IRONYUPPIE
No, Doc, it’s KADYAT

HENDRYK
No, that’s WARD.

FIGURE
(Booming)
You are all wrong!

The Figure spins around, revealing a short teenage boy with spotty skin and unshaven face, his hair oiled and sinking, his belly exposed and fat enough for three brats, his glasses too large for his face, his…

DOCTOR WHAT
Who the hell are you?

FIGURE
(Booming)
I am SUPERNOOB!
(The Superman Theme Tune plays)
And I am your DOOM!

DOCTOR WHAT
(Puzzled) I beg your pardon?

SUPERNOOB
SUPERNOOB! I was banned from
the Hub by his Idiotness IAN!

DOCTOR WHAT
Doesn’t ring a bell

SUPERNOOB
I posted insults about IAN to the board!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I posted rude comments about the Jews!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I told the pakis to go back
home and stay there!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I told CHRIS that he was a stupid
bastard for sleeping with an Indian girl!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I posted rude comments about Extinction Event!

DOCTOR WHAT
(Furious)
Why, you little…but I still haven’t heard of you.

SUPERNOOB
I said Hitler was right to exterminate the Jews!

LANDSHARK
Oh, boy, you’re playing with fire.

SUPERNOOB
I posted great plans to
exterminate all the Muslims!

IRONYUPPIE
So you’re a pathetic little
brat with an attention fixation.
(Pause)
I know how to deal with people like you
(To LANDSHARK)
Landie, go and fetch my cane.
(To SUPERNOOB)
Bend over and drop your pants.

SUPERNOOB’s face lights up and he stumbles to his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Worried)
Umm…Erika, I think he might actually enjoy that.

IRONYUPPIE
He won’t when I’ve finished with him.

GBW has been checking his Blackberry.

GBW
Umm…there seems to be some mistake…
ah, SUPERNOOB. You’re not banned.

SUPERNOOB
By the beard of Osema Bin Ladin!

GBW
You’re not in the Hall of Infamy, you’re not
listed under Kicked. You’re not even warned…

MATT
(Evilly)
If a NOOB is squawking and no
one hears him, does he make a sound?

SUPERNOOB
(Furious)
But I have a right to be banned! I demand to be banned!
(Pause)
Oh, and I have a right to be caned as well.

IRONYUPPIE
Oh, shut up. I’ve saving my wrist for
taking all of this out on Landie later
(pause)
Hell, why wait? Landie, bend over!

EVERYONE ELSE
The FORKS! The FORKS!

SUPERNOOB
And now I will destroy you all! I’ll blow you
into little pieces, and then I’ll blow them into
even smaller pieces, and then I’ll blow those
into even smaller pieces…

TORQUMADA
He’s gone mad with power!

THANDE
Oh, that’s your considered medical opinion, is it?

TORQUMADA
Do you have a better idea?

SUPERNOOB
(Annoyed)
Of course I’ve gone mad with power. Have you
ever gone mad without power? It’s boring.
No one listens to you.

IRONYUPPIE
And that line was nicked from the Simpsons.

DOCTOR WHAT steps forward.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Fatherly)
Now look here, son…you’ve done a lot of very
bad things and you’re going to be punished for them
(Pause)
and I don’t mean a simple caning this time
(Pause)
but I am prepared to be lenient.

SUPERNOOB
(Doubtfully)
Really?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes. Surrender now, release these
people, and you won’t be killed.

SUPERNOOB bursts out laughing.

SUPERNOOB
You don’t have the stones to kill me, What!

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
Are you sure about that?

SUPERNOOB
And you can’t kill me anyway!

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
And Are you sure about that too?

He leans forward, face to face with SUPERNOOB. <

DOCTOR WHAT
My crew and I have been through a lot together. We took on and
defeated the alien space bats. We beat Admiral Honorblower. We
defeated Lesbians in single combat in their queen’s bed. We duelled
with the Fallen. We even attacked the Hub
and brought it to the verge of total defeat.
(He leans closer)
You’re a silly teenage boy who has gained equipment
he doesn’t know how to control.
Are you sure that we can’t beat you?

SUPERNOOB
I am like nothing you have ever seen before!

TORQUMADA
Actually, I’m pretty sure that most of
us went through the same stage.
(disturbing grin)
I recommend spankings, lots and lots of spankings.

SUPERNOOB
Yes, I am confident that I
can kick your asses, like this!

he hits a button on his chair and a force field shimmers into existence, knocking DOCTOR WHAT to the ground as an entire series of BFGs, LBFGs, OHMWABEGs and OBFGS appear out of nowhere, controlled by robots and targeting the AH.COMMERS. Bursts of plasma fire go everywhere as the AH.COMMERS dive for cover, before returning fire with their own weapons, sending sparks and flickering lights everywhere. SUPERNOOB laughs as MATT and WEAPON M go sprawling, before IRONYUPPIE uses her Yo-Yo to take out half the robots in a single swipe.

IRONYUPPIE
You didn’t think of that, did you?
(Pause)
And think of poor Landie…

SUPERNOOB
He’s going to suffer like no other
outside a Japanese porn flick…

And, indeed, massive robot tentacles are catching and trapping LANDSHARK in their grasp, reaching out towards his unmentionables.

HENDRKY
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Pause)
Take me instead!

SUPERNOOB
Don’t be stupid, Mr Chinaman;
you’d actually enjoy this…

DAVE HOWERY
(For it is he) I guess
it’s time for ME to be the hero!

DAVE leaps forward with his chainsaw and slices LANDSHARK free, just before he can be put through one of the most horrifying, and yet strangly arousing, events in the Multiverse.

IRONYUPPIE
Aww…you saved him.
(Tiring of it)
Snap out of it, B-MAN!

SUPERNOOB’s gaze snaps down to DOCTOR WHAT, who has been trapped inside the field.

DOCTOR WHAT
(drooling) What?
(Pause)
I found it strangely arousing.

IRONYUPPIE
(Shouting) get him, Bruno!

DOCTOR WHAT staggers to his feet and swings a punch at SUERNOOB. It wouldn’t bother a hamster, or even a snail, but as SUPERNOOB is a nerd, the punch sends him snapping backwards against his chair, which topples over and crashes into the floor. SUPERNOOB tries to stand up, but IRONYUPPIE is on him in seconds, tying him up with her whip before kicking him in the nuts and smashing him into the wall.

LANDSHARK
God, I love that woman.

IRONYUPPIE
Silence, slave! Go fetch my…
really nasty torturing device.

GBW
Umm…there seems to be a
problem with the computers…

And indeed, the lights are flashing red and alarms are sounding.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
LEO, what the fuck is going on?

LEO
(On comm)
I can only put forward a hypotheses, Doc,
that our friend here didn’t bother to set any
security settings that would have prevented
the system from overloading and blowing up.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get us the fuck out of here!

LEO
(On comm)
No can do, Bruno; there’s too
much interference for you
to be beamed out. I suggest
that you shag ass out of there!

KIT
(Saluting smartly)
Shagging ass, sir!

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, damn it, come up with a better idea!

LEO
(On comm)
Must I? Oh, very well…put the wristcom
near the computers and I’ll take them over.
(Short pause)
There…there we are…that’s the computers
taken over and…shut down.

The lights go back to normal.

GBW
LEO, are you sure you’re ok?

LEO
(On comm)
Bush, of course I’m fine.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine. Now, what happened to this world?

LEO
(On comm)
It’s really very simple, Bruno; our friend there used these systems
to impose porn on the entire world, which meant that the world’s
development was warped because of porn, but now everything
should be returning to normal. I think that he was actually
admitting them to porn using strange energies so that they
couldn’t become aroused without exposure to porn of a kind
so vile that even FLOID would refuse to deal with it.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
Bastard! Now, what’s going to happen now?

LEO
(On comm)
Judging from my readings,
the energies are gone, so people
are returning to their normal habits and…
hey, there’s an orgy going on in
the park!

With an audible set of whooshes, most of the crew vanish back out of the castle.

MATT
Well, this is just great, isn’t it! Why do
I have to be the one left holding the nerd?

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
LEO, now that the energies are gone, teleport MATT and
our captive up to the ship and keep an eye on them until
we can ship him to the Hub and dump him in COLLIN’S cell.
(Pause)
And, as for me, I wonder if that hot blonde is still around…

DOCTOR WHAT races out of the castle

MATT
WANKER!

EXT. – THE PLANET OF PORN, EDINBURGH – DAY

The city is in the middle of a massive party, with loads of sex, drugs and rock and roll. DOCTOR WHAT is talking to KILNGIRL.

KILNGIRL
You saved us all!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, we did, and, for once, my crew
is going to get what we deserve…

He reaches out for her and she comes willingly towards him, but he glances over towards the edge of the party and sees an advancing army about to burn him and the remainder of his crew…for daring to disturb their peace and quiet. Or, more likely, they’re going to burn the crew for SUPERNOOB’s crimes.

LEO
(On comm)
Doc, the planetary defence networks are about to open fire on us.

DOCTOR WHAT jumps to his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, my dear, it seems I have to go. But I will come back.

KILNGIRL
Don’t hurry on my account.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why is it we’re always chased off worlds
when we try to have sex with the locals?
(shakes head)

DOCTOR WHAT waves and vanishes in a loud pop.

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM opens a vortex and escapes the planet of porn.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – CHRIS’S ROOM – NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN storms in, his face contorted with rage.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That was a bloody awful episode!

CHRIS
(Annoyed)
You get what you pay for.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
I didn’t pay you anything!

CHRIS
My point exactly!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
You made a gibbering idiot out of LANDSHARK!
You made IRONYUPPIE into a dominix! You made
KILNGIRL into a blonde bombshell…

CHRIS
She’s not complaining!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
And you let DAVE HOWERY be the hero!

CHRIS
But all he did was save Landie from a fate worse than
a fate worse than a fate worse than death…
(Realises)
DOH!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Angry)
Well, owing to a tiff with the writer chimps,
I find myself lacking an episode, so
I guess I’ll have to post yours, but.
(Produces whip)
You’re going to suffer for this.

He chases CHRIS off with a whip. DOCTOR WHAT enters the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I found it strangely arousing.

The scene fades out over CHRIS’s screams.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS