TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DOCTOR WHAT’S QUARTERS– DAY

Over black.

DOCTOR WHAT (VOICE OVER)
Oh, god!
Oh, God!
OH, GOD!!!

KIT (VO)
Oh, come on.
I doubt it hurts that bad.

DOCTOR WHAT (VO)
Please…
Stop….

KIT (VO)
Hey, you wanted this.
I’m just complying with
your wishes.

DOCTOR WHAT (VO)
(sobbing)
PLEASE!

Fade up from black.

Tight on DOCTOR WHAT’s face. Eyes clenched shut, tears streaming down cheeks. He looks as if he’s in pain.

Pull back and we see KIT occupying the space behind him.

KIT
(grinning)
I love it when you beg.

Pull back even more. We see DOCTOR WHAT bent over a chair, KIT standing behind him, holding onto long lengths of string that are attached to what appears to be a corset tied around DOCTOR WHAT’s waist.

DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t breath…

KIT
Can’t spare five minutes
on a treadmill?

DOCTOR WHAT
Too much work.
I have more important things
to do with my time.

Pause.

KIT and DOCTOR WHAT both begin laughing. DOCTOR WHAT suddenly lets out a cry of pain.

KIT
Whoops. Tightened a bit too tight.

DOCTOR WHAT straightens up, wincing and eyeing himself in the mirror. We see he’s dressed in Elizabethan style of clothing.

DOCTOR WHAT
Strangely this isn’t the weirdest outfit I’ve gotten into.

KIT
I never understood why you were
wearing that giant penis outfit yesterday.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh…
I do look rather dashing, non?

KIT
If you say so.
Though you look more like and ugly transvestite.
Especially with those stockings.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s the height of fashion on this world.
We have to respect the dress of our hosts.

KIT
Since when?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not bad.
(strokes goatee)
Not bad at all.

KIT
(looking at DOCTOR WHAT)
Now. If I lowered my tastes… a lot
(a beat)
and had more than a few glasses…
way more than a few glasses of
alcohol in me, I’d give you a
moment of my time.

DOCTOR WHAT strokes stylish goatee. Lifts up a bottle and clinks two glasses.

DOCTOR WHAT
Scotch?
(grins)

Fade out.

INT. – TORQUMADA’S LABORTORY – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MATT enter the lab and come to a screeching halt.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh.. TORQUMADA?

There’s a large clear jar with a brain in it, along with a pair of eyes floating in the liquid.

MATT
What the fu-
Kill it!!!

The jar gets up on crab legs and scurries away flapping tiny wings.

TORQUMADA
Oh, ignore it. It’s harmless…
(a beat)
Most of the time.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MATT slide up against the wall, avoiding the critter.

MATT
We’re here…
(looks about)
For the Thing.

TORQUMADA
Huh?

MATT
Y’know. The thing.
The thing we talked about.
The other time.
(nervously looks about)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(staring at the critter)
It keeps looking at me…

TORQUMADA
(to PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
It likes you.
(to MATT)
Oh…
The Thing.

MATT
Yeah.
(looks about)
The Thing.

TORQUMADA pulls off a sheet from a workbench, beneath it lays a device. He picks up the device.

TORQUMADA
Now. It’ll work within a ten mile
radius of the target. Not my best work,
but then again I’m not the engineer.
(glares at PSYCHOMELTDOWN)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey. I just push buttons and turn knobs.

MATT
You can turn my knob..
(giggles)

TORQUMADA (cont.)
It’ll work. Yes. It’ll work, indeed.
It’ll work so good you’ll have to
clean the mess off the walls.

MATT
Sweet.
(snatches up device)
Where’s the on button?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Can we get HBO?

MATT
I want the SPICE channel.

TORQUMADA.
Now. Payment.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Huh?

TORQUMADA
Payment.

MATT
I gave you five bucks.

TORQUMADA
No. I need more.
(pulls out a scalpel)
A pound of flesh.
From the both of you.
(laughs insanely)

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MATT step back in unison.

MATT
You’re insane!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Take MATT!

TORQUMADA continues to laugh and advances with scalpel.

The two flee.

TORQUMADA stops laughing.

Critter moves to his side.

CRITTER
Bobo.
Hungry.
TORQUMADA.
Feed.
Bobo.

TORQUMADA
I know, my pet.
I know….

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“FOR QUEEN AND COUNTRY”

Written by : PSYCHOMELTDOWN

ACT 1

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

DAVE HOWERY
(shouting)
What do you mean I can’t go!

DOCTOR WHAT
(calmly)
Well, you see –

DAVE HOWERY
(shouting)
Damn it!
I never get to go anywhere!
I’m always stuck on this damned ship!
Surrounded by these damned fools!

GBW
Hey.
I take offense…
I think.

G.BONE
You see it’s like this.
You guys all –

DOCTOR WHAT
(to G.BONE)
You’re not coming either.

G.BONE
(outraged)
What?

GBW points and laughs.

DOCTOR WHAT
None of you three are.

GBW
(outraged)
What?

DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE HOWERY. You can’t go because
every time you go somewhere something bad happens.

DAVE HOWERY
Something bad happens even when I don’t go…

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s not the point. We’re here as guests
and we need to keep things from going out
of control. We can only rescue kidnapped
crewmembers so many times.

G.BONE
But why do I have to stay with these losers.

DOCTOR WHAT
Someone’s gotta run the teleporter.

G.BONE
(angry)
That’s all I do on this ship.
No one ever lets me get off this damn ship too!

GBW
Why am I stuck with these two losers?

DOCTOR WHAT
Someone’s gotta look after the ship…

GBW
But LEO can…

DAVE HOWERY
(more outraged)
what?
GBW ranks higher than me?
If anyone should be –

DOCTOR WHAT
(to GBW)
LEO and you will keep the ship –

LEO CAESIUS
What?
I’m not going either??

DOCTOR WHAT
Look, Leo…

LEO CAESIUS
But I had a robot body made!

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re the ship’s computer. If you leave,
the ship will be… computerless.
Nothing will work.

LEO CAESIUS
(outraged)
This is unfair!
I never get to leave this damn ship!

G.BONE
I am not just a teleporter operator!
I can do things.
(a beat)
I don’t know what they are, but I can do them.
(storms out)

DAVE HOWERY
(threateningly)
You’ll pay for this, Canuck boy.
You’ll pay for this.
(stalks out)

DOCTOR WHAT looks at GBW.

GBW
I didn’t want to go anyway.

DOCTOR WHAT
Then why are you dressed up?

GBW glares and stomps out of the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO?

LEO CAESIUS
Go to hell.

DOCTOR WHAT sighs and leaves.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

The crew is gathered, looking bored and in a few cases drunk. They’re all dressed up in Elizabethan style clothing, same as DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT is pacing before them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Look. We’re going to have to
be on our best behavior here.
That means no fighting-

WEAPON M
Damn!

DOCTOR WHAT
No excessive drinking-

DIAMOND
Damn!

DOCTOR WHAT
No sexual advances upon other men’s wives –

IRON YUPPIE and LANDSHARK
Damn!

DOCTOR WHAT
No talk about Sheep

MICHAEL/DMA/STRAHA
DAMN!

DOCTOR WHAT
And definitely no backing popular
uprisings against totalitarian rule.

EVERYONE
Damn!

DOCTOR WHAT
Now. We’ve been invited to a dinner
by the QUEEN of Earth, which happens
to be the QUEEN of British Empire –

KIT and LANDSHARK
Go, Britain!

DOCTOR WHAT
So, let’s not screw this up and get tossed in jail,
tried by a jury of your peers, or sentenced to death row.
For once I want a nice trip, one where we don’t
have to worry about getting our throats cut or
having to rescue someone.

DIAMOND
How do you even know this world’s safe?

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO?

LEO CAESIUS
(surly)
All info indicates this British World Empire
has enjoyed nearly three centuries of peace
and prosperity. Little to no crime, etc.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, let’s all –
Hey, where’s Grey Wolf, Matt,
and Psychomeltdown?

INT. – GREY WOLF’S QUARTERS – DAY

See GREY WOLF lying upon his bed, scores of empty bottles lay around him and under one arm is tucked a stuffed unicorn. He snores.

INT. – TELEPORTATION TUBE ROOM – DAY

Enter MATT and PSYCHOMELTDOWN. G.BONE is weeping at controls.

MATT
(to Psycho)
Looks like he just found out his life sucks.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Or that his penis isn’t gonna get any bigger.

They both chuckle.

G.BONE
Shut up.
(wiping away tears)
Where are you two going?

MATT
Who says we’re going anywhere?

G.BONE
Well, you’re dressed like you’re going on safari.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We got plans.
Beam us to the surface, Scotty.

G.BONE
(angry)
I do more than just teleport people around.
Damn it!

MATT
Like what?

G.BONE
I do… stuff!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
If you mean that bit of bolts in the engineering shop,
well, I think everyone’s had a go at that thing.

MATT gives a knowing nod.

G.BONE
Liar!
(glares at the two of them)
Now. Where are you two going?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(sighing)
Fine. You twisted our arms.
We’re going to London.

MATT
We’re on a mission.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Of utmost importance.

G.BONE
(groaning)
Oh, hell. Not this again.
(glares at Psycho)
Every damn world.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But I’m so close.
(lifts up device)
Torq made me a scanner this time.
Now we’ll hit pay dirt!

G.BONE
(to MATT)
Why are you helping him?

MATT
(shrugs)
Most of the time I get to shoot someone.
Plus when we get the sample, we can
make more than one clone.
(grins)

G.BONE
(sighs)
Just go already.

The two clamor onto the pad and vanish with a pop.

G.BONE continues weeping…

Enter DAVE HOWERY

DAVE HOWERY
Why the hell are you crying?
Someone steal your lolly pop?

G.BONE
Why can’t I just get a little time to myself?

DAVE HOWERY
‘cause we all know what you
do during your “alone time”.

G.BONE
You don’t know anything!

DAVE HOWERY
(smirking)
I know you have to oil it’s hinges.

G.BONE
(angry)
What do you want?

DAVE HOWERY
Beam me to the surface, Scotty.

G.BONE groans.

G.BONE
I thought you were not to leave the –

DAVE HOWERY shoves his adamantium chainsaw before G.BONE.

DAVE HOWERY
Pretty please?

G.BONE
(gulping)
Sure.

DAVE HOWERY gets on to the pad and vanishes in a pop.

G.BONE locks the door to the Teleportation room and once again begins crying…

…Enter DOCTOR WHAT and the crew.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, why you locking the door?
I had to override it.
(a beat)
Are you crying?

Everyone laughs.

DIAMOND
Beam us to the surface, Scotty!

G.BONE mutters as everyone piles onto the teleportation tube pads.

EXT. – LONDON, ENGLAND – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MATT appear.

MATT lifts up scanner.

MATT
(pointing vaguely east)
Thattaway!

They move off.

EXT. – A DIFFERENT PART OF LONDON, ENGLAND – DAY

DAVE HOWERY appears. He looks about.

DAVE HOWERY
Now. Where are those pubs I hear so much about?

Wanders off.

INT. – ROYAL PALACE – RECEIVING ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT and the crew appear. There is a crowd awaiting them, they oooo and awww at the teleportation.

WELCOMING GUY
Welcome.
Welcome.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’d like to introduce the fine crew
Of the good ship AH.com.

WEAPON M
(to DMA)
Is he talking about us?

DMA
Looks like it.

MICHAEL
I’m hungry.

DIAMOND
I want to get drunk.

IRON YUPPIE
Oh, look at that pretty thing over there…

HENDRYK
I think that’s the Queen.

THANDE
How can you tell.

HENDRYK
Uh.. the crown?
The Guards?
The fact that there’s a guy
holding a banner saying
“QUEEN of the World”
in front of her.

THANDE
Oh.
(a beat)
She’s hot.

WEAPON M
You noticed too?

DOCTOR WHAT (still talking)
- great honor to be allowed to be…er
allowed to come down to your world
and enjoy the hospitality of the British Empire.

WELCOMING GUY
The honor is all ours, good captain.
Now, follow me. The feast is ready.

The crew follow the WELCOMING GUY

INT. – ROYAL PALACE – DINING HALL – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT sits at a the head of a long table. The QUEEN of the British World Empire sits across from him, a large number of guards between them.

QUEEN
So, your ship crosses between the universes?

DOCTOR WHAT
We call it the Multiverse.
With our shift engines we can
Punch a hole in the very fabric
of the universes and enter a
completely different universe
where historical events did not
follow the same path as they did
here or our home universe..

QUEEN
Then you must have come across
various incarnations of the British Empire.

DOCTOR WHAT
None such as this one.
Mainly the Empire fell apart.

QUEEN
Then you are a citizen of the Empire?

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… I come from Canada.

QUEEN
Ah. That explains your low born accent.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh.. thanks?

QUEEN
Be gone now.
I bore of your inane talk.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

Guard approaches.

DOCTOR WHAT gets up and scurries over to the other tables occupied by the crew.

MICHAEL
She chase you away?

KIT
Must have been because of your profuse sweating.

MICHAEL
Or the ogling of her low cut bodice.

DOCTOR WHAT
She’s probably a lesbian.

KIT
Rrrright.

KIT and MICHAEL giggle.

Back to the table with the QUEEN.

QUEEN.
What is the status of their ship?

GUARD 1
It’s in high orbit.
We’ve managed to run a few sensor sweeps on it.
Seems to be only a few life forms aboard.
If they have more technology like that
teleportation device they have, then it will
be a great boon to the Empire…

QUEEN
Are they receptive?

GUARD 1
A few passive genetic scans upon the crew show
that about a third of them are receptive.

QUEEN
How about the others?

GUARD 1
I think I know a way to make sure
they don’t become a problem…

Fade out:

EXT. – STREET – NIGHT

DAVE HOWERY
Strange. It’s so quiet.

Camera pulls back to see DAVE HOWERY walking alone on a darkened street. Everything is either closed or eerily abandoned.

EXT. – ANOTHER STREET – NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Are you sure?

MATT
The scanner says right ahead.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m scared.

MATT
That’s not going to work this time, Psycho..

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn.

They head toward a church that’s sitting on a corner

.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
She’d better be here.

MATT
Or what?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(pause)
I’ll keep looking.

INT. – IMPERIAL DINING HALL – NIGHT

The merriment continues. The crew is enjoying being wined and dined.

Pan across the tables, coming to one occupied by DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, and MICHAEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not feeling well.
(clenches belly)

MICHAEL
See. You shouldn’t have eaten that green thing.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s called a celery…
(groans)

KIT
(to DOCTOR WHAT)
You don’t look well.
Then again you never have.

MICHAEL and KIT begin giggling.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m gonna go lie down,
(staggers off)

KIT
(to MICHAEL)
So. Wanna go back to my room?

MICHAEL
Uh…
(flees)

KIT grins and then spots ABDUL HADI PASHA. Occupies seat beside him.

KIT
(to ABDUL HADI PASHA)
So…

Continue to pan across the dining hall. Arrive to where the QUEEN is sitting, surrounded by guards.

GUARD 1
My QUEEN.
We are prepared to begin.

QUEEN
Is the Trust ready?

GUARD 1
Yes, my QUEEN.

QUEEN
Excellent.
Begin.

INT. – IMPERIAL DINING HALL – NIGHT

Much Later. We can see the feasting dying down. Everyone is leaving, including several very inebriated crewmembers.

DMA
Bugger me I’m sloshed.

Fade out:

INT. –IMPERIAL PALACE – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

STRAHA is seen staggering down the corridor, a trail of smoke following him.

STRAHA
Where… Where was my room?

We hear a shuffling, STRAHA looks about, shrugs and continues on.

He turns a corner.

Red eyes.

Animal like snarl.

Cut to:

EXT. – COBBLED STREET – LONDON, ENGLAND – NIGHT

DAVE HOWERY is walking down a cobbled street, a map in hand and scanning the area.

DAVE HOWERY
Now.
(looks at map)
Where are those brothels?

Camera pans and we see a slowly moving horde of Brits coming down the street, heading for DAVE HOWERY. DAVE HOWERY pauses, looking at the large group.

DAVE HOWERY
What’s going on here?
A parade?

He notices Union Jack standing out vividly upon their foreheads.

DRONE
(raspy voice)
He’s not one of us!
Kill him!
For the QUEEN!!!

DAVE HOWERY
That doesn’t sound good at all.
(runs)

The Horde, now screaming bloody murder, swarms after him.

Camera stays as we watch the Horde race by, DAVE HOWERY can be seen ducking into an alley. The Horde follows.

Cut to:

z INT. – CHURCH – LONDON, ENGLAND – NIGHT

MATT
Dude. What are you doing?

Fade in from black, we see PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MATT standing upon a staircase and PSYCHOMELTDOWN is spray painting the wall.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What? Just a little vandalism…

MATT
No. You misspelled extremely.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Huh?

Pull back and we see the words

REPENT, THE END IS EXTREEMELY FUCKING NIGH
Written upon the wall.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn.

MATT
Come on, let’s go find
what we came to this place for.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(looks about nervously)
Man, it’s spooky.
So quiet.

MATT
I though London would be a party town.

They head up the stairs.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You sure about these readings?

MATT
Sure as hell.

They open a door, shot of a long walkway, tall windows on one side, and a railing over looking the interior on the other.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MATT enter.

Pause.

MATT
What the hell…

Pan over railing. See it packed with people. But they’re not moving and not making any noise.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(scared)
Are they dead?

MATT
Don’t look like it…
Just asleep?

Suddenly a noise is heard. At the far end of the walkway a door opens. Enter Priest.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hello?

Pull in on Priest. See he’s in BRIT FACE (red rimmed eyes, animalistic snarl, and the Union Jack standing vividly out on his forehead).

MATT
I think he’s drunk.
Father?

Watches as Priest staggers to them.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(worried)
Don’t think he’s stopping…

Priest continues to stagger toward them.

MATT
Father, are you alright?

Priest lunges at MATT. MATT smashes scanner into Priest, knocking him out. Scanner smashes into bits.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(horrified)
The Scanner!
You broke it!

MATT
He was about to attack me…

The Priest snarls upon the floor, red eyes locking on the two.

MATT
I shouldn’t have done that.
(backing away)

Snarling.

Pan to the interior of the Church. See the “sleeping” figures rise up, all in BRIT FACE and all snarling, staring up at PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MATT.

MATT
Oh, shit.

Cut to:

INT. – IMPERIAL PALACE – KIT’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

Camera holds on ABDUL HADI PASHA as he’s at the bar pouring drinks. Back to camera.

We hear a ripping sound.

ABDUL HADI PASHA turns around holding two filled glasses, a look of surprise on his face.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
Why, KIT.
(smiles)
Are you trying to seduce me?

KIT (OS)
Why would you say that?

ABDUL HADI PASHA
You’re naked.
With a come hither grin on your face.

KIT (OS)
I just thought to slip into something
a bit more comfortable.

Tight on Kit’s face. there’s a moment where he closes his eyes and staggers slightly, but its over before anyone notices. He’s been drinking a lot after all. When KIT opens his eyes, they are red rimmed and we see the union jack suddenly appear upon his forehead.

ABDUL HADI PASHA (OS)
What’ s that on your head?

KIT
(smiling)
Come here and I’ll show you…

Suddenly KIT’s smile fades and is replaced by a snarl.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(worried)
Kit?

Kit snarls, camera stays still, as kit suddenly launches forward, toward ABDUL HADI PASHA. We hear snarling, and crashing glass.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
Oh, Kit!
You know I like it rough!

Silence.

Cut to:

INT. – IMPERIAL PALACE – HANDMAIDEN’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

There’s a timid knock. Followed by the door creaking open. WEAPON M enters, looking about.

WEAPON M
Uh…
I had this note on my door.
Said to come here?

HANDMAIDEN
Enter.

Shot of the handmaiden in all her womanly glory.

WEAPON M
Uh..
Holy crap.
(wipes away drool)

WEAPON M steps forward, we see something suddenly smash into his head. WEAPON M falls.

Cut to:

INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT

Two women stand near OTHNIEL, who’s looking very nervous and scared.

SAUCY VIXEN 1
Now, how about me, her, and you
go somewhere a bit more quiet?

OTHNIEL makes a gibbering noise, looks even more scared.

SAUCY VIXEN 2
We’ll make it very enjoyable..

SAUCY VIXEN 1
Very…

OTHNIEL
Uh.. uh..
Uh…

SAUCY VIXEN 1 moves away, turning back on OTHNIEL and VIXEN 2.

SAUCY VIXEN 1
Bloody hell. He’s not going for the bait.

SAUCY VIXEN 2
Maybe he likes boys.
(to OTHNIEL)
You like boys?

OTHNIEL looks confused.

SAUCY VIXEN 1
(irritated)
Oh, bugger this.

She turns to face the camera, instead of the flawless beauty, she’s in BRIT FACE.

SAUCY VIXEN 2
Sweet dreams.

SAUCY VIXEN 1 snaps back a fist and smashes it into OTHNIEL’s face.

Blackness.

INT. – QUEEN’S CHAMBERS – NIGHT

The QUEEN is sitting upon a throne like chair. There’s the sound of a door opening and closing. Enter DOCTOR WHAT and LANDSHARK, both in BRIT FACE. The two drop to their knees before the QUEEN.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s done, my Queen.

LANDSHARK
We’ve got them all, my Queen.

QUEEN
Excellent.
Now begin the assault.

ACT II

EXT. – CHURCH – LONDON, ENGLAND – NIGHT

The doors of the church explode open and MATT and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are seen running like hell from it. Moments later we see a horde of Brit Faced men and women running after them.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

We see GBW asleep at the controls.

EXT. – ALLEY – NIGHT

We see DAVE HOWERY backed into a corner a horde of snarling Brits moving down the alley.

INT. –GREY WOLF’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

We see GREY WOLF roll over and continue sleeping. Stuffed unicorn now shoved between his legs and an empty bottle clutched in one hand.

INT. – ROYAL PALACE – NIGHT

We see the crew of the Ah.com begin walking by. Those that went to the feast. They’re all Brit Faced and shambling along.

INT. – G.BONE’S QUARTERS – NIGHT

We see G.BONE staring intently at a magazine. Camera pans and we catch a glimpse of the title, “Big Jugs”…

INT. – AUDIENCE CHAMBER – NIGHT

QUEEN
It begins.

EXT. – EMPTY STREET – NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MATT are running. MATT pulls out an assault rifle and begins firing it at the horde of Brits. They keep coming.

MATT
Shit.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Run!

EXT. – ALLEY – NIGHT

Camera hold outside the alley DAVE HOWERY ran into. We suddenly hear the roar of a chainsaw.

Moments later we see the Horde that had followed him into the alley suddenly begin racing out.

DAVE HOWERY exits, chainsaw over head, grinning like a madman.

DAVE HOWERY
Come on, I just want to talk!

INT. – SECRET LAUNCH FACILITY – BEHIND ROYAL PALACE – NIGHT

The AH.commer crew shuffle toward a shuttle on a launch pad. Around them scurry guards and other Brit Drones.

GUARD 1
For Queen –

DRONE AH.COMMERS
And Country!

Pull out as we see them entering the shuttle.

EXT. – STREET – NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN an MATT come to s screeching halt as a horde of Brit Drones race by. A moment later they see DAVE HOWERY.

MATT
DAVE!

DAVE HOWERY
Huh?
(stops)
Hey, guys. What’s up?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We’re begin chased by the locals.
(points to horde behind them)

DAVE HOWERY
I can handle that.
(revs chainsaw, horde flees)
See.

MATT
But I emptied a whole clip into them and…

DAVE HOWERY
Nothing’s more terrifying that small blades
on a chain, going really fast.

The two nod as if knowing what DAVE HOWERY’s talking about.

MATT
Why did they attack you?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Why wouldn’t they attack him?
Just look at him.

DAVE HOWERY
Why you-

STRANGER
Psst!

The three turn to see a hooded figure standing upon the street corner.

STRANGER
Come with me, if you want to live.

MATT
Is he hitting on us?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’ve used that line before.

DAVE HOWERY
Wha-

STRANGER
I’m not hitting on you.
But those Drones will be back soon,
and they’ll be hitting you.

MATT
Man’s got a point.

DAVE HOWERY
Quit looking at his crotch.

Silence.

STRANGER
Come with me…
(turns and heads off)

MATT shrugs and follows. DAVE HOWERY and PSYCHOMELTDOWN follow.

EXT. – SECRET LAUNCH FACILITY – NIGHT

The night sky is lit up by the rocket boosters of the shuttle as it screams and claws it’s way up to the heavens.

INT. – UNDERGROUND STATION – NIGHT

Long shot, shows MATT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DAVE HOWERY, and the STRANGER running down a non-functioning escalator.

INT. – UNDERGROUND STATION SHOP– NIGHT

The STRANGER pulls down a wire grating before a trashed looking shop. DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and MATT take settle against the wall.

STRANGER
A man went into a bar with a giraffe,
they get pissed, the giraffe falls over.
The man gets up to go. The barman says
“Oy, you can’t leave that lyin’ there”.
The man says “No. it’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

Long pause.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the fu-

STRANGER
You’ll all humorless.

The STRANGER pulls back his hood. It’s JUSTIN PICKARD.

MATT
Who are those guys?

DAVE HOWERY
What the hell is going on here?

JUSTIN PICKARD settles against a wall.

JUSTIN PICKARD
It started as rioting, But from the beginning
you knew this was different. Cuz it was
happening in small villages, market towns.
Then it wasn’t on the TV anymore. It was
in the street outside. It was coming through
your windows.
(pause as everyone stares at him)
It was a virus, an Infection. You didn’t need
a doctor to tell you that. It was the blood.
There’s something in the blood. By the time
they tried to evacuate the cities, it was already too late.
The Infection was everywhere. The army blockades
were over run. The day before the TV and the radio
stopped broadcasting there were reports of Infection
in Paris and in New York. When they came back on,
the whole world was infected.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Again. What the fu-

MATT
You’re kidding right?

DAVE HOWERY
That doesn’t make sense.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(far away look)
You weren’t here when it all went down…

MATT
LEO CAESIUS scanned this place, everything said
it was a nice quiet corner of the universes.
And had been for the last three hundred years.

JUSTIN PICKARD
No.
A month ago I lived in Britain.
There was no British World Empire.
This.. QUEEN… did all of this. She
spread some kind of virus that made
everyone into her mindless drones.
Not only here in England, but all over
the world. Anywhere there was English Blood
in the population, they were infected
with this virus. They all became
drones to the Queen.

MATT
This all happened in a month?
Why weren’t you “infected”?

JUSTIN PICKARD
I.. I accidentally locked myself
in my pantry for a week.

DAVE HOWERY
So everyone on this planet is a Drone?
Then what about the people I met
on the streets, they seemed normal.

JUSTIN PICKARD
No. they were all there planted for you
to assume everything was all right.
Once you passed through they became
the Drones again. Something or someone
is controlling them, making them
act normal around you and trying to
lull you into a sense of security.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s the QUEEN!

MATT
I think we already established that, Psycho.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh.

DAVE HOWERY
So what do we do?
Is the crew alright?
They went to have
dinner with the Queen.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Then it may be too late for them.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Dibs on DOCTOR WHAT’s porn collection!

MATT
Damn. I wanted those.

JUSTIN PICKARD
You must help me.
To free my people from
this insidious wench.

DAVE HOWERY
I don’t know…

MATT
Trying to topple a government that
mind controls everyone is not
something we do on a daily basis.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
More like a bi monthly basis.
(MATT nods)

DAVE HOWERY
We don’t even know what we’re
fighting against. You said it’s a virus,
the only doc we have is Torq and
he’s probably scraping before the QUEEN.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(shaking head)
No. the Virus only made the people receptive
to the mind control. The actual controlling of
the people is done by something called the Trust.
I’ve heard it mentioned, but I don’t know where it is…
Or what it is…

MATT
Well, we can solve that bit for you.
(pulls out communicator)

INT. AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

A buzzer is blaring. GBW hits a button.

GBW
(groggily)
Huh?

MATT (on com)
Hey. We need you to scan for something for us.

GBW
Didn’t Torq already make you a scanner?

MATT (OC)
Not that. Something a bit less important.

GBW
What’s that?

MATT (OC)
We’re looking for something that’s
mind controlling all the people on the planet.

GBW
Well, if it’s mind controlling everyone
on the planet. Then it should be easy to find.
Something that powerful has to give
off a energy signature or something.
(hits some buttons)
Wait. I got something. There’s a big
underground installation about five miles
west of your present location.
Looks to be the place.

MATT (OC)
Wow. That was fast.

GBW
I do fast work…

MATT (OC)
Can you teleport us there?

GBW
That’s G.BONE’s job.
The only thing he’s good for.

Suddenly there’s a deep vibrating boom through the ship. GBW looks about.

GBW
LEO? What the hell was that?

LEO CAESIUS
A type of shuttle has attached to our hull.
They are now beginning to cut through it,
to gain access to the ship.

GBW
What?

MATT (OC)
What’s going on?

GBW
Sorry gotta go.
(to LEO CAESIUS)
Can you raise shields?

LEO CAESIUS
No. They’re too close.
I can’t get a firing solution on them also, too close.

GBW
How did they get so close
without anyone noticing.

LEO CAESIUS
You were asleep, on duty.

GBW
But you-

LEO CAESIUS
I’m off duty, since four hours ago.

GBW
But…

A solid thud echoes through the ship.

LEO CAESIUS
They’ve cut through.

A screen opens up and GBW watches as the AH.commers enter the ship, they carry weapons and don’t look at all friendly.

GBW
It must be their alternates.
Trying to take the ship while
the others are being held hostage!

LEO CAESIUS
How do you even know it’s their alternates.
The logic behind –

GBW
The logic is perfect!
Prepare internal defenses!

A beat

LEO CAESIUS
What internal defenses?

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

The AH.commers move out in two groups. One heading toward the control room, the other deeper into the ship, nothing stopping them.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GBW
Right. I forgot.
Nothing to stop them now…
(hits com)
G.BONE!

Scrambling noise.

G.BONE
(breathing heavily)
What?

GBW
Get to the Control Room.
Now.

G.BONE
Why?

GBW
Because I say so!

G.BONE
Whatever, man.

GBW
(to himself)
Excellent. I’ll use G.BONE as a distraction,
they’ll go after him and give me time to
come up with a better plan.

G.BONE
Hey, the com’s still on!

GBW
(turns off com)
LEO CAESIUS! Prepare to start flickering
the lights on and off and play some
spooky noises over the intercom.

LEO CAESIUS
You got to be kidding me…

GBW
We have not begun to fight back!

INT. – THE UNDERGROUND TUNNELS – NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hey, why do I have to be the bait?

MATT
Cuz you’re expendable.

DAVE HOWERY
We pull rank.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But –

DAVE HOWERY
Now. Go.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN sighs and trudges down the tunnel. Footsteps fade into the darkness.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
There’s nothing here.

MATT, DAVE HOWERY, and JUSTIN PICKARD all scamper down into the tunnel, quickly catching up with PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh. There’s nothing here, but
there’s definitely something over there.

Camera pans to reveal a heavily fortified position a down the tunnel.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Bloody hell!

They are fired upon.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – NIGHT

G.BONE is running down a corridor. Sparks and explosions follow in his wake.

G.BONE
Damn you, GBW!

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

GBW is hunched over a computer console.

GBW
So. I’ll go here. Get the treasure chest.
Use the Engineering Tunnels to get to the
Shuttle Pod Bay, then off to freedom.
With the gold I can buy a new identify…

LEO CAESIUS
Aren’t you supposed to be planning
a defense for the ship?

GBW
Huh?

G.BONE suddenly bursts in, slamming close the hatch and locking it. He’s breathing heavily and his clothing is torn.

G.BONE
They’re…
(gasp)
Outside…

GBW
Damn. Alright, G.BONE.
Here’s a chance to prove that
you’re not a useless sack of flesh.
I want to use this blaster
(tosses blaster to G.BONE)
and kill as many of the boarders as possible.

G.BONE
By beginning with you!

LEO CAESIUS
Hold it!
(pause)
Internal sensors are showing that
a group of them are in engineering.

GBW
They can’t do anything from Engineering.
What are they gonna do, shut off the Main Power Plant?
(a beat)
Oh, shit.

G.BONE
Great. Just freaking great.
Now many are outside the door.

LEO CAESIUS
Three.
Heavily armed.
(pause)
It looks like the rest are…
Oh no!
They’re headed for the computer core!

GBW
What are they gonna do turn you off?
They need you to run the ship.

LEO CAESIUS
No. They can force reprogram
my systems from the Core.

GBW
Oh, crap.

A noise fills the air.

G.BONE
What’s the noise?

Suddenly something explodes.

INT. – UNDERGROUND TUNNELS – NIGHT

Gunfire rattles, we see MATT and JUSTIN PICKARD blazing away down the tunnel.

DAVE HOWERY
At times like these, I wish
I had a distance weapon.
(hefts chainsaw)
Aw, well.

MATT
If I could just get a clear shot.

JUSTIN PICKARD
I have a plan.

JUSTIN PICKARD grabs PSYCHOMELTDOWN and pushes him out into the tunnel. Immediately he’s fired upon by the fortified position. MATT and JUSTIN PICKARD fire upon the position.

The enemy guns fall silent.

MATT
That was cold blooded as hell.
And cool.

JUSTIN PICKARD
(simpers)
Thanks.

DAVE HOWERY
Is he dead?

They walk up to PSYCHOMELTDOWN

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I feel so… cold…

MATT
Nope.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn. He looks like he’s in terrible pain.
Can I take him out of his misery?

MATT
If you did that. Who would you scream at
when things went wrong in Engineering?

DAVE HOWERY
You got a point.

JUSTIN PICKARD
The way’s clear. Come on.

MATT
Grab his legs. I think I have some
Band aides to help patch him up.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The … pain…

DAVE HOWERY
For a near dying person. He talks a lot.

They drag PSYCHOMELTDOWN to the fortified defense area.

MATT
Man, I’d figure we’d be facing more resistance.
Especially if this is what’s controlling everyone.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Maybe they didn’t want to attract attention…

There’s a rhythmic beating noise. The three turn around and we see scores of Drones marching down the tunnel toward them.

DAVE HOWERY
(to MATT)
Next time, keep your mouth shut.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

G.BONE
What the hell was that?

LEO CAESIUS
It looks like they’re overloading
the EPS conduits from engineering.
What you just experienced was
one of them exploding.

G.BONE
It hurts.

LEO CAESIUS
They’re trying to kill you.

G.BONE
Oh, yeah.
Hey, GBW?
You alive.

GBW
Barely.
I’m damaged though.

Camera pans to battered and bleeding GBW.

G.BONE
Cool.
(to LEO CAESIUS)
They still outside?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes.

G.BONE
They still heading for the Core?

LEO CAESIUS
Taking their sweet time.

G.BONE
I have a plan….
(brushes debris off a computer screen)
Right. So we have a group heading to the Core
to force new programming on LEO CAESIUS.
We have a group in Engineering,
holding hostage the Power Plant.
We have a group outside waiting for us to leave.

LEO CAESIUS
You can use the other exit.

G.BONE
Huh?
(looks behind him)
Was that always there?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes.

G.BONE
Oh…

GBW
Give me that plasma rifle over there.
I’ll hold the Control Room. You flee, G.BONE.
Run and live free.

G.BONE
Uh….
(hands GBW rifle)

LEO CAESIUS
If you’re running, G.BONE.
Take me with you.
After all I still have my robot body.
I just need to be downloaded into it…

G.BONE
Oh, yeah.
The robot body..

GBW
Run, G.BONE.
Run!
(cocks rifle)

G.BONE
Don’t have to tell me twice.

GBW
G.BONE!

G.BONE stops.

GBW
Remember.
I’ll always love you…

G.BONE
Uh… Right.
(muttering)
Freak.

Pan to GBW, determined look on face and aiming the rifle at the hatch.

Fade out:

INT. – UNDERGROUND TUNNELS – OUTSIDE SECRET BUNKER – NIGHT

Gun fire.

JUSTIN PICKARD and MATT are picking off the Drones as they’re marching toward the defenses. We hear the roar of DAVE HOWERY’s chainsaw and pan to him cutting into the huge thick steel doors.

DAVE HOWERY
Got it.
Nothing can stop my admantium chainsaw!

A giant hole is cut into the door.

DAVE HOWERY
Done.

MATT
You deal with whatever this Trust is.
We’ll hold these guys hack.

DAVE HOWERY
Alrighty.

Enters Secret Bunker.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING SHOP BETA – NIGHT

G.BONE enters, looking about warily.

LEO CAESIUS
I told you it’s clear.
Hurry up they’re nearing the computer core.

G.BONE
Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
I’m moving as fast as I can.

LEO CAESIUS
You’d move faster.
If YOU LET GO of the three cases of scotch.

G.BONE
DOCTOR WHAT’s best stuff.
Good for bartering when we get down planet.

LEO CAESIUS
(sighing)
Just hurry up.

G.BONE
Here we go. Robot body…
Oh. Wait.

LEO CAESIUS
What’s wrong?

G.BONE
I forgot we cannibalized a few of your parts..

LEO CAESIUS
What do you mean cannibalized?

G.BONE
Yeah. We needed parts for a still.

LEO CAESIUS
But those were advanced electronic components.
What kind of still needs advanced –

G.BONE
Super booze. 300 proof.

LEO CAESIUS
But that’s impossible!
You can’t get beyond –

G.BONE
Hey. We still have the head.
That’ll work.

LEO CAESIUS
The head? But there was a body, along with a
stylish car with the words LEO CAESIUS-mobile
emblazoned on the hood, and a pack of cigarettes.

G.BONE
(setting head on workbench)
Body went to the still.
Car, DAVE HOWERY lost in a poker game to Dr What.
Cigs, Diamond smoked them

LEO CAESIUS
(angry)
Those bastards!
When I get my body I’ll -

G.BONE
Shhhh… Here we go.
(plugs in head)
How’s that?

LEO CAESIUS
(moment’s pause)
There’s not enough memory. I can’t possibly
be downloaded into it! What happened to all the memory???

G.BONE
Uh…..

Suddenly something enters the room. It’s a robot, scantily clad and creaking with mechanical noises. The face is a crude attempt at feminine beauty, with a cheap wig. The womanly bits are duct taped to the metal frame.

F-BOT
(high shrill electronic voice)
Oh, G.BONE! Come back for more??
(begins thrusting hips)
You know you can’t resist.

G.BONE
Uhh…
(looks down at LEO CAESIUS’s robot head)
Uh….
(glances at monitor showing progress of Brits)
Got no time..

F-BOT
What? You don’t have thirty seconds? Cuz that’s –

G.BONE
Liar!
You’re lying!
(shoots Fbot)
Shut your lying mouth!

The F-BOT flails to the deck and G.BONE continues firing at it, screaming in rage.

G.BONE
Shut up!!
Shut up!
Shut up!!!

LEO CAESIUS
(clearing non existent throat)
Uh.. G.BONE?
What was that all about?

G.BONE
(wiping away tears)
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
(hits button)

MONOTONE COMPUTER VOICE
Downloading main memory core.
Insufficient memory.
Downloading Primary files only.

LEO CAESIUS
Hey, hey!
Wait.
I need my seconda-

MONOTONE COMPUTER VOICE
Primary files downloaded.
Commence shut down.

Everything goes dark. The emergency lighting comes on.

G.BONE
LEO CAESIUS?

LEO CAESIUS (Robot Head)
Huh?

G.BONE
Y’okay, LEO CAESIUS?

LEO CAESIUS
I feel… funny.
(begins laughing)

G.BONE
Great.

LEO CAESIUS
I’m a head.
(continues laughing)
Maybe one day I’ll be a real boy.

G.BONE
Now. Let’s flee before those brits arrive.

LANDSHARK
A bit late on that count.

Shift to entrance of Engineering Shop, see LANDSHARK and Boarding Party bristling with weapons.

Fade out.

INT. – SECRET BUNKER – NIGHT

The heavy doors slide open, smoke wafts in, from it strides DAVE HOWERY, the chain saw idling at his side.

Pan around room. A large circular place, in the center, bright light shining upon it are six glass jars with what look to be human brains in them.

BRAIN JAR ONE
Go away!
Go away!

DAVE HOWERY
What the hell?
Brains in jars?
(laughs)

BRAIN JAR TWO
Go away, colonial scum!

The other brains begin shouting.

DAVE HOWERY
(looks around)
A mind’s a terrible thing to waste.
(grins)

The brains begin screaming as DAVE HOWERY revs his chainsaw and begins attacking the first jar.

DAVE HOWERY
(Sing song voice)
Six Brain Jars on the table…
Take one down…

BRAIN JAR ONE
Nooo!!!
Arrrgggghhh!
(saw shatters jar)

DAVE HOWERY (Cont.)
(sing song voice)
…smash it on the ground
Five Brain Jars on the table…

Cut to:

EXT. – OUTSIDE SECRET BRITISH BUNKER – DAY

The drone horde comes to a stop. The Union Jack disappears upon their foreheads and the men and women look about confused.

MATT
Die! Drone Scum!
Die!

JUSTIN PICKARD
(grabs MATT)
I think they’re not under the
Trust’s control anymore.

MATT
Huh?
(a beat)
Die!!!

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING SHOP BETA – NIGHT

LANDSHARK
Give us head.
Now.

G.BONE
Never!

BRIT DONES
Head.
Now.

G.BONE pulls out blaster and shoves it to LEO CAESIUS’s Robot Head

G.BONE
Move a step and I’ll blow
his silicone mind to bits!

LEO CAESIUS
Huh? G.BONE?
Hey, what are you doing?

LANDSHARK
Now, now.
Let’s not be hasty.

G.BONE
You need him, right?
To run the ship?
He’s got all the programs and … stuff.

LANDSHARK
I’m sure we can come to some arrangement.
You leave, skin intact, we take the Computer Head.

LEO CAESIUS
Computer? I’m more than a –

G.BONE muffles LEO CAESIUS.

G.BONE
Yeah right!
Where am I to go?
Planet side?
Where you guys are everywhere?

LANDSHARK
There’s nowhere to go.
Give up now. Like you always do.

WEAPON M, IRON YUPPIE, DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, ABDUL HADI PASHA, HENDRYK all step forward from the group of Brit Drones.

ALL TOGETHER
(monotone unison)
Join us, G.BONE.
Join us.
(begin chanting)

F-BOT
Make sweet love to me, G.BONE!

G.BONE
(to F-BOT)
Shut up!

LANDSHARK suddenly lunges. G.BONE kicks him in the crotch, dropping him. G.BONE shoves blaster to LEO CAESIUS’s Head.

G.BONE
Step back!
Or the Robot gets it!

LEO CAESIUS
I’m not a robot!

DOCTOR WHAT
He won’t do it.

Tight on the blaster up against LEO CAESIUS’s head.

Tight on G.BONE’s finger on the trigger.

Tight on G.BONE’s steely determined eye.

Tight on DOCTOR WHAT’s glazed red eye.

Tight on trigger again.

Hold.

G.BONE pulls trigger.

Cut to:

INT. –SECRET BUNKER – NIGHT

Hacked up brains and brain juice litter the bunker.

Camera pans to DAVE HOWERY who’s splattered with brain bits, grinning savagely.

DAVE HOWERY
Now. That’s a what I call fun.

There’s a sound of glass scraping.

Pan to a Brain that’s flopping its way to the exit.

DAVE HOWERY’s shadow suddenly descends upon it.

DAVE HOWERY
Ah. What do we have here?
Making an escape?

BRAIN
(whimpering)
No.
Please.
I’ll give you anything you want.
Money.
Fame.
Power!

DAVE HOWERY
There’s only one thing I want.
(savage grin)

BRAIN
Nooooo!!!

Tight on DAVE HOWERY’s face. The sound of the chainsaw revving, brain bits suddenly splatter DAVE HOWERY’s face.

Pull back and we see DAVE HOWERY silhouetted by a lone lamp. Laughing.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING SHOP BETA – NIGHT

CLICK!

G.BONE stares at blaster.

LEO CAESIUS
It’s empty!
Oh thank god!

DOCTOR WHAT
Attack!

The group suddenly swarms G.BONE.

Suddenly they stagger back, looking confused.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
What happened?
My head..
Suddenly clear

KIT
It’s like a fog’s been lifted…
Is anyone else horny?

G.BONE
Help!

Pan to G.BONE and we see LANDSHARK still attacking him.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey!

LANDSHARK
Huh?
Oh.
(kicks G.BONE)

LEO CAESIUS
(over G.BONE’s groans of pain)
So did we win?
(to others)
You’re no longer under the Brain Trust’s control?

DOCTOR WHAT
Looks like it.

KIT
It’s like a bad dream.
Where you couldn’t do anything.

LANDSHARK
Brain Trust’s control?
When did this happen?

KIT
We were all under it’s control.
The last couple of hours…

LANDSHARK
(confused)
But I wasn’t…
(pause)
Oh…
Right.
The being controlled.
(laughs weakly)

Enter GREY WOLF, bleary eyed and yawning.

GREY WOLF
What the hell’s everyone doing in here?
(notices mess)
So what did I miss?
(looks in the corner)
Who shot up the Fuck Bot?

Fade Out:

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
So, no foreign bodies in my… body?

TORQUMADA
Nada.
It seems that the virus wasn’t really a virus at all.
It was a gene that’s been bred into you and
basically all the ‘subjects’ of the British crown.
It makes you more susceptible to mind control.

DOCTOR WHAT
Do you can’t take it out?

TORQUMADA
I just turned off the gene.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh.
How about the rest of the planet below?

TORQUMADA
I figure I can whip something up.

JUSTIN PICKARD
Many thanks to all you chaps.
Thanks to you, my world is now free
from the tyranny of the QUEEN.
Already we are storming her palace and
drawing up plans for her execution.

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh.. cool?
(to TORQ)
How are GBW and PSYCHOMELTDOWN?

TORQUMADA
(shrugs)
They’ll live.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good.
Now, time to get drunk.

Wipe to.

INT. – MESS HALL – DAY

Crew is gathered.

DOCTOR WHAT
To DAVE HOWERY!
Who saved the day!

Everyone raises a glass and cheers DAVE HOWERY.

DAVE HOWERY
Thank you, thank you.

MATT
You wouldn’t have done it without us!
(bandaged PSYCHOMELTDOWN nods, then winces in pain)

DAVE HOWERY
I hope this shows you that I can
be of use on Away Missions to-

DOCTOR WHAT
Like bloody hell.
You’re not setting one foot
off this ship ever again!
(to everyone)
Let’s get drunk!

Everyone cheers.

Enter TORQUMADA with his “pet” BOBO.

Tight on DAVE HOWERY’s widening eyes.

Roar of Chain saw.

Tight on TORQUMADA’s widening eyes.

Tight on DOCTOR WHAT slamming down a bottle of hooch.

Tight on chainsaw blade buzzing.

The sound of crushing glass and a wet flop.

TORQUMADA
NOOOOOO!!!!

DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE HOWERY! What the hell!

Pull back and we see the “pet” BOBO, hacked to pieces, it’s brain flopping on the floor.

DAVE HOWERY
I’ve seen enough brains in jars
to last me a life time.

Pause.

Everyone begins laughing.

DOCTOR WHAT
DAVE HOWERY, you’re crazy!
(slams down another bottle)

DAVE HOWERY turns to face camera and gives a huge wink.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS.

TORQUMADA (over black)
Oh, Bobo…
(sobbing)