TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – GREY WOLF’S QUARTERS – DAY

Fade up from black to reveal a close-up of white paper.

A hand holding a pen has just finished writing the name WILHELM III. As we watch, the hand hesitates, then crosses that out and replaces it with FRIEDRICH WILHELM I. Slowly zoom out to reveal that the hand is attached to GREY WOLF, who sits back with a considering expression. We now see that the previous name was just the latest branch of a vast, monstrously complex family tree of Europe’s royal dynasties that  stretches across an entire wall of GREY WOLF’s quarters.

GREY WOLF
Mm…perhaps…

There is a knocking at the door, visibly derailing his train of thought.

GREY WOLF
Fuck it! Forgotten!

GREY WOLF turns and goes to open the door. As he does, we get a glimpse of the rest of his quarters: everything, including the wallpaper and furniture, has a unicorn theme, and there are several fluffy toy unicorns on shelves or filling the chairs. On one wall are hung dartboards with pictures of George W. Bush and Tony Blair instead of  bull’s-eyes.

GREY WOLF opens the door to reveal KIT.

KIT
The Doctor wants you. We’ve arrived.

GREY WOLF
(musingly)
How does Friedrich Wilhelm I sound to you?

KIT
Too stodgy…
But does he have a spiked helmet?

GREY WOLF looks scandalised as KIT smirks.

KIT
Come on. You can finish
that later.

GREY WOLF
(throws a last, longing look backwards)
Oh, all right.

He scoops up one of the fluffy toy unicorns and follows KIT out.

KIT
(Pauses and turns, grinning at GREY WOLF)
We got some more newbies on board too.
If you hadn’t heard. Fresh meat.

GREY WOLF stops, looks at the unicorn in his hands.

GREY WOLF
(to toy unicorn)
No. No. No.
You won’t do will you.

GREY WOLF turns and grabs another stuffed unicorn, stuffing it under his arm and marching out the door. KIT watches him, shaking his head. He turns and takes one last look into the GREY WOLF’s quarters.

As he looks, the head of the stuffed unicorn GREY WOLF had set down suddenly turns and faces KIT.

It begins hissing. KIT screams and races out of the quarters.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series

“HOW SHARPER THAN A UNICORN’S HORN?”

Written by: THANDE

ACT 1

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is centre stage, looking forward with his chin jutting out and his hands thrust in his pockets like an eighteenth century self-made industrialist.

DOCTOR WHAT
A new timeline!
I can almost taste the winds of change!

MICHAEL
(cynically)
Yeah, I think it’s that curry they
served us last night in that uber-India TL.

DOCTOR WHAT ignores him. The camera pans around and we see that MATT is at weapons, PSYCHOMELTDOWN is at the pilot’s chair, a book in one hand with the title “BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO PILOTING”, GBW has his feet up and is playing on a Gameboy, and DIAMOND is on sensors and communications staring blankly at the boards. We also see the viewscreen display a picture of an Earth that looks fairly normal and inoffensive.

DOCTOR WHAT
I wonder what the babe prospects are like?

DIAMOND
Whatever they are, you’ll somehow manage to find the
only lesbian, transvestite, transsexual, hermaphrodite on the entire planet…

DOCTOR WHAT
(juts his chin out again)
I like a challenge!

Two sets of doors swoosh open simultaneously to admit KIT and GREY WOLF from one, and THANDE and OTHNIEL from the other.

THANDE
What’s up?

KIT
(laughs)
Too easy!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
We’ve arrived at a brave new world,
as Sapristes of Benidorm said to
the Keeper of the Key of Time…

DOCTOR WHAT
A whole new world!

MICHAEL
(pulls out two forks and holds them
ready to plunge into his ears)
Please don’t do the Disney song and dance
routine…again!

DOCTOR WHAT
Hmmph, you people are all philistines.

LEO CAESIUS
(voice from above)
Actually, Bruno, none of you has
more than a statistical percentage of
Palestinian ancestry.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, whatever!

An ‘omminouss hummmm’ is heard and a jet of orange plasma shoots just past DOCTOR WHAT’s head, singeing his goatee. DOCTOR WHAT whips his head around to see SWAMPHEN, holding a plasgun in one hand and with a pair of binoculars around his neck.

SWAMPHEN
Oh dang darn diddly poot!
Sorry, Doctor, I just couldn’t stop myself.

DOCTOR WHAT
Whatever, N00b Recruit #361, whatever!

SWAMPHEN fires again, this time scorching DOCTOR WHAT’s clothing.

DOCTOR WHAT
I wish you’d stop doing that!

MICHAEL
(standing over by the Wishing Well
that forms the CORRUPT A WISH THREAD)
Granted, instead he shoots you every time
you say the word ‘the’.

Both DOCTOR WHAT and SWAMPHEN stare at MICHAEL in horror.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’d better give me th- your plasgun.

SWAMPHEN reluctantly surrenders it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, as I was saying, we-

We hear a sound like a cow giving birth in slow motion and a TARDIS materialises in the middle of the bridge.

GBW
Ah, they’re back! This reminds me of the
time I was drunk and had just finished-

DIAMOND
(purple in face)
Aaaaarrrggh!

OTHNIEL
Oh come on, GBW’s anecdotes aren’t THAT boring…

DIAMOND
(wincing in pain)
Not – that – the – fucking – TARDIS – landed – on – my – foot.

All look down to see he indeed speaks the truth.

MICHAEL
Permission to laugh out loud, Captain What?

DOCTOR WHAT
(absently)
Yes, yes…

MICHAEL laughs.

OTHNIEL and MATT try to prise the TARDIS off DIAMOND’s foot but meet with little success. Then the TARDIS’ doors fly open and catapult both OTHNIEL and MATT aside.

From within three figures emerge: IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK and HENDRYK.

OTHNIEL
Why did we rent that thing again? Every time
it materialises it always hurts someone…

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s half the fun.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
How did it go, guys?

HENDRYK
(incoherent babble)
C’est mervilleux! C’est terrifique! L’hyperbole est justifieé indubitablement…!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Er…good?

LANDSHARK
It was a washout. I spent the whole trip stopping a China-vs-Pennsylvania fight…

IRONYUPPIE
You’re just a big spoilsport, you know that?

LANDSHARK
(sotto voce)
Wait until we’ve, ah, edited Hendryk’s will…

IRONYUPPIE
(sotto voce)
I knew there was something about you I liked.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, Diamond’s foot’s stuck under the TARDIS!

Three new arrivals look back.

IRONYUPPIE
So it is.

HENDRYK
Voila la pied de l’Adamant, c’est sous le SIDRAT!

DOCTOR WHAT
Someone will have to get into the TARDIS and make it transport away!
(ponders)
Hmm…I knew there was a reason we recruited n00bs…

SWAMPHEN
(saluting)
Yessir Captain What!

SWAMPHEN runs into the TARDIS – provoking a groan from DIAMOND when he steps on his foot on the way in – and the TARDIS fades away to reveal DIAMOND’s flattened foot.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good work, Swamphen.
Now go see Torq about that foot, Diamond.

DIAMOND
(protectively holds his foot to his chest)
Do I have to? Can’t I just cut it off myself?

THANDE
Come on, his bedside manner’s got a lot better
since Doctor What went private…

DOCTOR WHAT
(with dignity)
It wasn’t fair to expect him to do resurrection as well.

HENDRYK
Néanmoins, l’healthcare universelle c’est toujours superieur…

DIAMOND hops away into the lift, shaking his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, no more time wasting!
Let’s go down and explore this world!

All other crew members crowd for a second door and get stuck – DOCTOR WHAT clears the way using SWAMPHEN’s borrowed plasgun to blast a hole through the crowd.

CREW
Owww…

DOCTOR WHAT
I love the smell of lightly broiled crewmembers in the mid-afternoon.

Cut to

EXT. – SHUTTLE “ELISHA CUTHBERT” – DAY

The shuttle pulls away from the Ah.com ship and heads for this Earth’s atmosphere –

Cut to:

INT. – ELISHA CUTHBERT – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is in command, PSYCHOMELTDOWN is piloting, MATT is on sensors.

DOCTOR WHAT
Looks like a nice place.

MICHAEL
No nuclear fallout, at least.

MATT
Er sir – I’m picking up something strange here…
Something very strange…

DOCTOR WHAT
Can’t you just come out and say what?!!

IRONYUPPIE
You know he can’t – Underling’s Description Inability Syndrome.

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yeah.
…wankers…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Holy cow, er sheep!
It’s a…

Cut to:

EXT. – SPACE– DAY

Another spaceship approachs the Elisha Cuthbert. It looks not unlike an OTL U.S. space shuttle, but is painted with U.S. flags with many stars,  and is obviously bristling with weaponry.

KIT
Oo-er.

DOCTOR WHAT
(grandly)
Open a channel, Othniel.

OTHNIEL nods and presses a button.

DOCTOR WHAT
This is Captain Bruno What
of the good ship Ah.com…

POTUS P. DIFFIN
(distort)
Your name is irrelevant.
You shall turn around and leave U.S. airspace immediately.

MICHAEL
How can it be airspace when there’s no air?

POTUS P. DIFFIN
(distort)
Okay wise guy, U.S. space-space.
Leave immediately!

LANDSHARK
(contemptuously)
Or what?

POTUS P. DIFFIN
Or we lick your sorry asses and blow you sky-high!

Pause – all look at KIT.

KIT
(irritated)
What?! There’s no point when it’s that easy!

DOCTOR WHAT
(into comm)
We come in peace…surely we can negotiate…

POTUS P. DIFFIN
The conversation is ended!

We hear a blip as the channel closes –

EXT. – ELISHA CUTHBERT – DAY

We see a missile fired from the U.S. ship fly past the Ah.com shuttle, missing completely.

INT. – ELISHA CUTHBERT – DAY

MICHAEL
A warning shot?

LANDSHARK
I’ll give ‘em warnings!
Matt, give ‘em both barrels!

DOCTOR WHAT
Er, excuse me…
This is my ship.

IRONYUPPIE
(raises an eyebrow warningly)
And?

DOCTOR WHAT
(quickly)
Nothing, nothing…

MATT
Firing!

Cut to

EXT. – ELISHA CUTHBERT – DAY

The Elisha Cuthbert’ s lasers rake across the U.S. ship, which fires another two missiles, both going as wild as the first.

INT. – ELISHA CUTHBERT – DAY

LANDSHARK
Kick their arses!

MATT
Kicking ass…sir!

More lasers fire and the U.S. ship breaks up, spewing escape pods.

OTHNIEL
(making ‘yes’ gesture)
Yes!

DOCTOR WHAT
What unfriendly natives.

LANDSHARK
This gets better by the minute.

Pull through a window outside and we see the Ah.com shuttle leisurely cruising east, leaving North America behind and drifting near Europe…and far below we see a large, bulbous shape.

THANDE
Hey look, a zeppelin!

KIT
Yeah…pity Abdul’s not here.

DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s take a look anyway.

The windscreen image alters as the shuttle dives and we see the airship flying over the Bay of Biscay. Painted on its sides are large Iron Crosses and signage in gothic fraktur lettering.

LANDSHARK
German and everything!

MICHAEL
Yeah…
Hey, aren’t those things-

All we see are the two ‘thing’s, big laser cannons, suddenly lock onto  the Elisha Cuthbert and fire.

We see the shuttle begin to break up in flames.

Fade to black with dramatic music.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

Fade up to reveal DIAMOND’s panicked expression as TORQUMADA goes over to him with a massive syringe. DIAMOND is tied to a vertical examination bed with what looks disturbingly like rejects from DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK and KIT’s upholstery.

DIAMOND
Um…is this really…necessary…?

TORQUMADA
Quiet you!

He jabs the syringe into DIAMOND’s arm.

DIAMOND
Ow…um…
…actually it’s my foot that…

TORQUMADA
Be silent, or I’ll make you so!

DIAMOND is silent.

TORQUMADA
Now…

He turns around and goes to DAVE HOWERY, who is boredly standing by
holding his adamantium chainsaw. He is wearing a T-shirt showing a No Smoking sign, but instead of the cigarette is a maple leaf.

DAVE HOWERY
Make sure you clean her properly
after you’ve finished!

DIAMOND
Mmmmmmmf!

TORQUMADA
Excellent…

TORQUMADA takes the adamantium chainsaw, turns back to DIAMOND and positions it against the ankle of his crushed foot.

TORQUMADA
Now you must hold perfectly still
or I may make a…tragic mistake…

DIAMOND
Mmmmmmf…

TORQUMADA, off-camera, activates the chainsaw and we focus on DAVE HOWERY, who dispassionately watches as red guck flies up around him and DIAMOND screams.

Then we hear the sound of a cow giving birth in slow motion and the TARDIS rematerialises just behind DAVE HOWERY, who, startled, falls over forward and bangs into TORQUMADA – the adamantium chainsaw goes flying.

DIAMOND
MMMMMMMMFFFF!!!

The TARDIS’ doors open to admit a shaken-looking SWAMPHEN covered in what looks like splodges of greyish-green clay.

SWAMPHEN
What did my mother tell me…?
“Never breach the fourth wall…”?
(Takes in the scene of blood and gore)
Uuuurrrrrggggghhhh…
(faints)

EXT. – IN THE AIR – DAY

Fade up onto DOCTOR WHAT’s serene expression as his hair flaps about  wildly. Then his eyes slowly open, then snap wide as he realises where he is.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fuck!
And without a parachute too!

Pull back to reveal all the AH.commers falling, in close formation, from the sky towards the Bay of Biscay.

MATT
We’re falling into the sea!

LANDSHARK
Give that man a Nobel Prize For Stating The Bleeding Obvious !

MICHAEL
There might be DUCKS down there!!

KIT
Or penguins…

DOCTOR WHAT
Quiet everyone!
Somebody think of a cunning plan to get us out of this!

THANDE
Ooh, ooh, how about we build a crude but functional
hang glider out of bamboo and animal skins-

DOCTOR WHAT
A cunning plan that relies on using what we have on us!

THANDE
(crestfallen)
Oh.

OTHNIEL
Maybe if we just flap our arms, really hard…

MICHAEL
(sarcastically)
We’re getting some truly groundbreaking ideas here, people!
Oh…poor choice of words…

OTHNIEL
(savagely)
Well I don’t see YOU coming up with anything better!

MICHAEL
(dismissively)
Pfft.

LANDSHARK manages to reach over and grab hold of IRONYUPPIE

IRONYUPPIE
(deadpan)
How sweet.

LANDSHARK
You DID get around to installing those inflatable implants didn’t you?
We can float to shore…

IRONYUPPIE slaps LANDSHARK.

GREY WOLF
(wakes up)
Hey, we’re falling!

MICHAEL
Will somebody please-

GREY WOLF
I know what we can do!

All heads turn toward GREY WOLF expectantly as the pause drags out.

DOCTOR WHAT
Have you forgotten?

GREY WOLF
No…
I’ve got it!
(He pulls out his cuddly unicorn)
Off you go, Flottie!

He tosses Flottie into the air.

Long pause.

MATT
Er yes…and…?

OTHNIEL
I don’t want to die!
I haven’t…

All look at OTHNIEL expectantly.

OTHNIEL
…erm…got my own quarters yet!

Everyone shakes their heads.

GREY WOLF
Ah!

We see a flash of light and the cuddly unicorn mitotically divides into many more, all the same size, which fly back and each individually go to a startled Ah.commer, who catches them.

DOCTOR WHAT
Umm…very nice Grey…but what use is…?

GREY WOLF
Go to it, Flotties!

Each toy unicorn suddenly grows to a full-sized living, breathing unicorn, with milky white flanks, intelligent eyes and a sharp horn.
The unicorns toss their heads and whinny as the Ah.commers find themselves being plonked on top of their new unicorn companions.

LANDSHARK
(sarcastically)
Oh, this is great.
NOW we’re falling through the air while strapped to the back of something sharp.

MICHAEL
Why couldn’t he have had a Pegasus fixation instead?!

GREY WOLF
(ignoring them)
Go on, Flotties!
The unicorns begin to glow.

MATT
What the-?!

The unicorns swell hugely, changing shape, and when the light clears, everyone is now standing on their own WW1-era warship, each of which  has a unicorn head for its prow.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What the googly moogly is this-?!

GREY WOLF
(triumphant smile)
They don’t call him Fourth Destroyer Flotilla for nothing!

Go down to an idyllic scene of the Bay of Biscay from ground level – then we see the massive fleet come crashing down from the sky and into the water – the subsequent water displacement causes a tsunami which we see smash into Gascony.

GREY WOLF
In unicornis victus!

LANDSHARK
You don’t know Latin!

GREY WOLF
With enough alcohol I can fake it.

Fade to black.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

Focus on DIAMOND’s face as he wakes up in a bloodstained bed. His eyes snap open, he sits up and he begins screaming.

DIAMOND
Aaaaarrrrggghhh…

TORQUMADA, SWAMPHEN and DAVE HOWERY approach and crowd around the bed.

DAVE HOWERY
Stop moaning, Torq stitched you together again okay.

TORQUMADA
(musingly)
Just like IKEA cabinets…
There’s always a few bits left over…

DIAMOND develops a worried expression; SWAMPHEN pats him on the back reassuringly; DIAMOND winces.

SWAMPHEN
Never mind.
I shouldn’t think it was anything important.

DAVE HOWERY pulls out a fluid-filled jar in which are floating a pair of translucent spheres and looks at them critically.

DIAMOND
(eyes track to the jar)
Uruuugfhuuuurgh…

Both TORQUMADA and SWAMPHEN whip around and stare annoyedly at DAVE HOWERY.

DAVE HOWERY
What? What?
You know I like a pickled onion!

DAVE HOWERY unscrews the jar, plucks one out and starts crunching it;

SWAMPHEN involuntarily shudders.

Wipe to:

EXT. – GASCON SHORE– DAY

On the Gascon shore there is standing a Frenchman, FHAESSIG.

FHAESSIG
Par bleu! The sea…

The sea suddenly rushes out, then forms into a giant tsunami and crashes back down on the shore; FHAESSIG holds on tightly to a tree.

FHAESSIG
Je n’aime pas allez à la plage!

The waters recede, revealing the fleet of “Flottie” destroyers with Ah.commers riding them. FHAESSIG’s eyes widen. We cut to the perspective of DOCTOR WHAT on the flagship.

DOCTOR WHAT
Looks like a Frenchman.
Somebody go and do the ‘take you to our leader’ routine…

KIT salutes, dives from the deck of his destroyer into Biscay, and  swims up to the coast where he drags himself out and stands beside the terrified-looking FHAESSIG.

KIT
Take me to your leader…

FHAESSIG
Sacré merde!

KIT
Oh, sorry.
(Pulls out “GCSE French” textbook)
I mean, ‘takez moi à votre leadeur…’

FHAESSIG suddenly starts bowing down to KIT.

FHAESSIG
Je me rends!

KIT
(weakly)
Oh really, that’s not necess…
But if you really insist…

LANDSHARK suddenly appears out of the sea beside KIT. He pauses to wring several gallons of Biscay water out of his frock coat.

LANDSHARK
Now listen here, if you’re surrendering
we want it in writing, and furthermore…

DOCTOR WHAT appears, followed by the other Ah.commers swimming up.

DOCTOR WHAT
He doesn’t need to surrender!
Why’s he surrendering?
We come in peace!

FHAESSIG stands up and faces off DOCTOR WHAT coldly.

FHAESSIG
I must surrender. Honour demands it.
It is the duty of every Frenchman.

DOCTOR WHAT
Er…what?

LANDSHARK
Don’t argue with the man, if he
wants to surrender, let him surrender.

FHAESSIG
Indeed. Now you must come back
to my maison…I have three pretty daughters…

KIT
(puzzled)
Well done…and?

Pause as everyone avoids each others’ gaze, then we hear the roar of a powerful engine not far away. FHAESSIG quickly turns and departs into a nearby copse.

MATT
That reminds me of the time that-

MICHAEL
What?!!

MATT
-I was run over by a German panzer-

From over a rise, a German panzer, looking vaguely like a Koenigstiger, appears. Its main gun tracks onto the Ah.commers.

LANDSHARK
Bloody hell, one of the damn colonial’s
suggestions was actually on target!

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah…people…suggestions?

VOICE FROM PANZER
Auslieferung!
Surrender!

KIT points at copse where FHAESSIG fled.

KIT
No, he’s the man you want for that!

The panzers’ turret swings and its cannon fires a high explosive shell into the copse, which detonates, spraying everyone with twigs and shredded leaves.

VOICE FROM PANZER
Danke schoen!

Off everyone’s shocked expressions-

DOCTOR WHAT
He killed him!

OTHNIEL
We need to righteously prod his buttock!

MATT
Anyone have a bazooka?

THANDE
Or a PIAT?

LANDSHARK
Or a Panzerfaust?

The panzer’s turret tracks back towards them and it continues to drive closer.

IRONYUPPIE
(produces bottle)
I’ve got a Chateau Cachot here…
It’s 175% proof…

LANDSHARK
Hey, we were going to have
that for our anniversary!

MATT
If you WANT to see your anniversary, give it here!

MATT grabs the bottle.

MATT
Time for a Featherston Fizz!

THANDE
No, that’s not right, it’s an Alqaeda Alcopop!

KIT
You’re both wrong, it’s a Llewellyn Claymore!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Never mind what it’s called!
Just chuck it!

MATT lights and throws the Molotov cocktail, which sails dramatically through the air in slow motion towards the panzer’s turrets.

Everyone watches with bated breath as, just before it is about to hit, the turret flies open and a hand shoots out, grabbing the bottle. The hand pulls out the flaming wad and throws it away, then upends the bottle – we hear glugging sounds – and…

VOICE FROM PANZER
(drunkenly)
Ja! (hic) Danke schoen wieder!

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s it, we’ll have to…

Suddenly a six-pound shell hurtles out of nowhere and slams into the panzer, blowing it to pieces.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Wow! Too cool!

MICHAEL
Who did that?

GREY WOLF
(looking back at the flotilla of destroyers,
from one of which a wisp of smoke is rising)
Good one, Flottie!

DOCTOR WHAT
Ah.

As the smoke clears from the remains of the panzer, we see the scorched but still standing driver in the centre – it’s STEFFEN. He is wearing a compromise between a WW1 Reichswehr and WW2 era Wehrmacht uniform.

STEFFEN
It vos goot schot, ja?

STEFFEN unsteadily collapses – all Ah.commers crowd around him.

KIT
(pointing at STEFFEN’s spiked
helmet and winking at GREY WOLF)
You see?

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t understand…what’s…?

STEFFEN
(woozily)
You veel not defeat us.
Ve haff been buildink ein Wunderwaffen een the schape off
a giant frankfurther veering lederhosen, ja? And it veel work just like clockwork…

MICHAEL
What the dangy doodle is going on?!

THANDE
Wait…

THANDE quickly pulls a deckchair out of his pack and sets it up in  front of STEFFEN. The wounded German quickly gets up, ignoring his  pain, pulls out a towel and tosses it onto the deckchair before  collapsing again.

THANDE
(grimly)
I thought so.

DOCTOR WHAT
What?!

THANDE
This…is Stereotypica.

Off everyone’s reactions, fade to black.

INT – ??? – DAY

Fade up to reveal a figure wearing an eighteenth century redcoat’s uniform, sipping a china cup of finest tea and sitting behind an imposing oaken desk covered with pictures of royals. He appears to have a large 19th century moustache, but when he lowers the cup we see that the moustache was actually attached to the cup. This is LEEJ. As we watch, JASON dashes in.

JASON
Prime Minister sir!
That damned Yank flyboy is on the line!

LEEJ
(in lordly tones)
Put him on.

An illuminated map of the world slides back to reveal an image of POTUS P. DIFFIN, wearing a cowboy hat, two six shooters in holsters, and spurs.

LEEJ
Greetings, Star Captain Diffin.

POTUS P. DIFFIN
Don’t give any of your limey crap!
I’m telling you that goddamned ship crashed somewhere off the coast of
somewhere, somewhere, and I want you to git it back or your asses will be on the line!

LEEJ
(steepling his fingers)
I see. Tell me, did you realise that
it was a German airship that shot
your famous ship down?

POTUS P. DIFFIN
Don’t absquatulate your way around the question! I want that ship now!
I ain’t taking no fur an answer!
Diffin out!

The screen goes black.

JASON
What a disgusting little colonial.

LEEJ
Quite, quite.
Now, see to recovering that ship for ourselves.

Both he and JASON grin, revealing horribly blackened, Ferengi-like
teeth.

Wipe to:

EXT – GASCON SHORE – DAY

The Ah.comers and the trussed-up STEFFEN are watching DOCTOR WHAT and THANDE speak.

DOCTOR WHAT
So it seems this is the legendary
world of Stereotypica.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
The Earth where everyone talks and acts
like their national stereotypes…

MICHAEL
But how? How could that happen?

DOCTOR WHAT
Thande has a theory.

THANDE
(pulls out an easel and begins doodling on it)
I think I’ve detected a virus in the atmosphere. It encodes a protein
that binds to a helix-turn-helix motif in the transcription factors normally phosphorylated by the tyrosine kinase cascade…

Pause as THANDE looks at their blank faces.

THANDE
(sighs)
Okay, you want me to Jurassic Park baby talk this to you?
It rewrites people’s DNA so they start talking and acting like their national stereotypes.

MICHAEL
Yeah, THAT was helpful.

LANDSHARK
How did that virus start, anyway?

THANDE
It was manufactured.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Who by?

THANDE
(shrugs)
Who knows? One of the Outcasts, the Cf.netters, perhaps even our
Mirror selves…

All Ah.commers shudder and trace Ah.com logos over their chests.

MATT
So…
What’s stopping this virus
from attacking US?

THANDE
(sudden realisation)
Er…nothing…

Pause as everyone looks at each other.

THANDE
Um, don’t worry, I’m sure…we’ll be areet…

THANDE grins disarmingly, and we see that his teeth have begun to discolour…

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MED BAY – DAY

TORQUMADA is poring over a display.

TORQUMADA
This virus in the atmosphere…
It looks like it attacks…

DAVE HOWERY
Bah, who cares.
We’re safe up here from it.

TORQUMADA
But when the others come back…

DAVE HOWERY
(dismissively)
IF they come back.

In the background, we see SWAMPHEN pulling on a gasmask and opening a box labelled “LANDSHARK’S OLD SOCKS”.

SWAMPHEN then uses a fishing rod to waft one near the unconscious DIAMOND.

DIAMOND suddenly awakes, claps his hand to his mouth, dives out of bed and begins running away…backwards. His legs are on back to front.

TORQUMADA and DAVE HOWERY survey this.

TORQUMADA
Well, it’s an improvement…

EXT. – GASCON SHORE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t believe a virus can make us act differently, eh.
Did anyone see the hockey scores?
I’m dying for some maple syrup, eh.

MICHAEL
Talk straight cobbah, I can’t-

OTHNIEL
-understond a ward yau’re soying.

MATT
Where are we again, Francistan?
Frenchmanland?

THANDE
’Appen you’d bitter gerron wi’ it,
or Ah’ll ’Afda get mi tin bath on
wheels aht and leg it, tha knows.

KIT
Shut up, look you!
Indeed to gootness we need to
find a cure soon, look you!

GREY WOLF
’Is royt!

IRONYUPPIE
I fe-ell the urge to screw together some cabinets!
Rather than just screw IN some cabinets as usuvell!

LANDSHARK
Well I think it’s canny!
I can’t notice any diff’rence at all, why aye!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
White man speak with forked tongue!

Pause – all look at PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t talk any more, eh, Psycho,
or we’ll be accused, eh, of being racist, eh.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN nods.

OTHNIEL
Haw con we get a cure if we
con’t even understond whot eoch ather’s soying?

THANDE
Chuff me if Ah know.

Suddenly we see searchlights shine across the shore. Ah.commers look up  to see three giant fleets of airships approaching and trading shots with each other. One set is painted with Union Jacks, the second with Iron Crosses, and the third with double headed eagles.

JASON
(VO)
You people! Remain surrounded!
You are now the property of His Majesty’s government and-

SUSANO
(VO)
Nein! Zer Reich saw you first!

MIDGARD
(VO)
Nyet! You are zer prop-erty of muzzer Russia!

The airship fleets begin fighting in earnest.

KIT
If Abdul  were here, look you,
indeed to gootness he’d have died of ecstacy by now…

DOCTOR WHAT
Eh, not quite…

THANDE
Thez no Ottoman airships tha knows!

OTHNIEL
(pointing at sky)
But woit! Lawk!

All look at sky and we see a fourth group of airships painted with red crescents approaching.

KEENIR
Allah u akbar! You are the property
of the Ottoman Empire, and-

POTUS P. DIFFIN
No! You’re damn well the property
of the Unaighted Staytes and-

American airships, painted with stars and stripes, begin attacking the Ottoman airships, but every shot misses or hits another American airship.

GREY WOLF
Uf caawse!
The Amirricans nevuh can hit the tawget, canthiy?

OTHNIEL
Ai!

MICHAEL
The galahs are fighting over us!

DOCTOR WHAT
But, eh, soon only one will be left, eh, and then the cat will be
really oat of the bag…

Suddenly a radio crackles.

TORQUMADA
(Distort)
We’re here to rescue you but we can’t get through those airships!

DOCTOR WHAT
Eh! Good man! How can we clear them?

GREY WOLF
Flottie! Do yer stuff!

The destroyer flotilla begins firing at the airships with AA guns and begins to drive them off.

KIT
Indeed to gootness it’s working, is it!

LANDSHARK
Why aye man, it’s canny!

An Ah.com shuttle, the “Jessica Alba”, dives through the hole opened by the Flotties, firing its lasers at the occasional airship that gets in the way, and lands beside the Ah.commers.

THANDE
Grand, a ticket out of here, tha knows.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wait…
We can’t contaminate Torq and the others, eh with this virus!

MATT
YOU may not be able to, but I don’t need UN approval!

MATT dives for the shuttle, followed by the others – the door opens to reveal TORQUMADA.

DOCTOR WHAT
Eh, Torq, you shouldn’t have come oat-

TORQUMADA shakes his head and opens a box. Shiny dust flies out and spreads throughout the whole world.

DOCTOR WHAT
What the-?!

TORQUMADA
I’ve developed a cure for the virus.
Does it work?

OTHNIEL
Well, I think my vawels – vowels –
ore – are going back into the right
ploces – places…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It worked!

STEFFEN
What…what am I doing here?
I should be in Swabia plotting to overthrow the evil SDP government…

He walks unsteadily away and everyone stares.

THANDE
The cure worked on HIM as well?

TORQUMADA
Ah – yes…

INT. – BRITISH AIR FLAGSHIP – HMAS VICTORIA – DAY

JASON
(wiping forehead)
I don’t even LIKE tea!

As he speaks, we see his teeth begin to go white again.

Cut back to:

EXT – GASCON SHORE – DAY

Ah.commers watch as the airships turn around and go home.

DOCTOR WHAT
(morbidly)
Well, we found a unique and special world and ended it in one day…

OTHNIEL
(punches air)
Yes!

MICHAEL
We kick ass!

Off DOCTOR WHAT’s despairing expression, pan away across the shore…

To where, revealed from its former place buried in the sand by the tsunami, we see what looks like a large steel canister, one end unscrewed.

Looped around the canister is a single long brown hair…

Fade to black with a chord.

END ACT II

TAG

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

We see the Jessica Alba redock in the Ah.com ship.

Cut to:

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

Everyone parades back into the bridge, all looking very pleased with themselves.

TORQUMADA
Now I’m back I’ll take a look at Diamond’s feet.

DAVE HOWERY
Well…about that…

TORQUMADA
What?!

DAVE HOWERY
We got bored and decided to have a go ourselves.

TORQUMADA
You what?!!

SWAMPHEN
(Defensively)
Hendryk’s got a lot of experience with limbs!

TORQUMADA
Schoolgirls and tentacles don’t count!
(wipes sweat from brow)
You mean you let Hendryk operate on Diamond?

DAVE HOWERY
Of course not! He just dictated what to do to Straha…

TORQUMADA
STRAHA?!!

Torqumada pulls out a surgical scalpel and begins walking threateningly towards DAVE HOWERY and SWAMPHEN.

SWAMPHEN
(raises hands defensively)
It wasn’t as bad as it sounds!

DOCTOR WHAT
What, it was successful?

DAVE HOWERY
Er…
(diplomatically)
Well, I wouldn’t call it an unqualified success…

The doors open and DIAMOND runs in. He spins very rapidly on the spot for a few seconds – we see that one foot is on the right way around and one is on backward – then shoots off back through another door. He is quickly followed by a laughing HENDRYK and STRAHA.

HENDRYK
Je mort de rire!

STRAHA
No time for laughing man!
Gotta catch him, I left my new Draka TL in his left shoe!

STRAHA and HENDRYK hurry out through the door that DIAMOND left through; TORQUMADA shakes his head violently and follows.

DOCTOR WHAT
Um…
I won’t ask any questions if you won’t.

DAVE HOWERY/SWAMPHEN
Deal.

They shake on it, but in doing so SWAMPHEN reaches into DOCTOR WHAT’s back pocket, pulls out his plasgun, and begins tossing it from hand to hand as an expression of ecstacy crosses his face.

SWAMPHEN
Precious! Oh my precious…
…preciousss…!

And he accidentally catches it on the trigger, firing an orange plasma blast that catches him in the face but then proceeds on to destroy the camera lens before we see the result. The screen goes black.

DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Eeew…

MICHAEL
(VO)
Anyone for some nice
crispy fried bacon?

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS