TEASER

EXT. – A FOGSWEPT MOOR, SOMEWHERE IN WALES – NIGHT

(Disclaimer: In OTL there are no moors in Wales, because the Spanish deported them all under the limpieza rules after the Armada invaded).

A blurry spot appears in the sky roughly 100 yards above a field. It shimmers in increasingly larger circles until a spacecraft passes through it and is unceremoniously deposited in the field. The spot abruptly closes in upon itself, but not before emitting a loud sound reminiscent of two strips of velcro being pulled apart.

The spaceship, which might better be described as a lump of rust held together with duct tape and prayer, lies prone in the field. The distinguishing feature of the spaceship is a super-sized muddy snowball which has been splattered across the bow.

LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, KIT, GREY WOLF, and DOCTOR WHAT exit the spacecraft, followed by DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and G.BONE.

DAVE HOWERY
This isn’t good. Not good at all.

He shakes his head disapprovingly and sighs. He glares in the direction of DR.WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
What what what? What did I do this time?

DAVE HOWERY
Did you have to engage that comet in a game of chicken?

DOCTOR WHAT
I thought this time I’d win.

DAVE HOWERY
Look what you’ve put me through! It’s going to take the better part of a day for Psychomeltdown and G.Bone to get this mess cleaned up.

G.BONE
Me?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Moi!?!?

DAVE HOWERY glares at the two of them.

DAVE HOWERY
You heard me. If you don’t get on that ship pronto, I’m going to whip up two more batches of my famous Wendy’s Chili.

DAVE HOWERY produces a battered windshield scraper which appears to be held together with duct tape.

DAVE HOWERY
Here’s one for you too, Psychomeltdown.

DAVE HOWERY produces a tarnished soup spoon and hands it to Psychomeltdown.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Is this a joke? It will take hours
to clean up the ship with these tools.
Don’t you have anything better?

DAVE HOWERY
More work, less talk.

DAVE HOWERY reenters the ship, and exits with a cheap plastic chaise lounge and a Big Gulp. He opens the chaise lounge and lies back in it, sucking noisily from the Big Gulp.

KIT
Well, at least we’re finally back in civilization.

DAVE HOWERY
No we’re not, we’re in Wales!

GREY WOLF
I resent that. At least, I partly resent that.

DAVE HOWERY
Fine, if it makes you feel any better,
we’re still in Britain, so we’re still miles
away from civilization as far as I’m concerned!

GREY WOLF
Ah, hell, have it your way.
I sometimes wonder why
I bother talking to the rest of you at all.

KIT
(consulting the Inter-dimensional Gay Traveler’s Guide to Wales)
Hey, I’ve just had an idea!
According to this, there’s a gay
Six Nations rugby event at the
Millennium Stadium!

IRONYUPPIE
Gay rugby players?

KIT
Yep, with pink balls.

DAVE HOWERY
That sounds painful.

KIT
Hardy har har. Alright, who’s up for
a trip to Cardiff with me?

KIT, GREY WOLF, and IRONYUPPIE wander off into the fog.

FADE TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series

“CHEESE-EATING SURRENDER MONKEYS”

Written by : LEO CAESIUS

ACT 1

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT, LANDSHARK, ABDUL HADI PASHA, and DAVE HOWERY are huddled over a screen. The hiss of static and some foreign language can be heard dancing on the edges of the audible horizon.

DOCTOR WHAT
Just what sort of TL have we entered, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
I’m not sure how to explain this, captain.
Apparently we’ve landed in a TL where
the Roman Empire never fell, and went
on to discover America. Furthermore,
Islam never developed.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
Oh, that’s just peachy. This is, what,
(counts on fingers)
the fifth or six “Roman Empire Never Falls /
Roman Colonization of the New World /
No Islam” TL we’ve seen… this week alone?

DOCTOR WHAT
So we’re on familiar territory.
What’s so unusual about this TL, then, Leo?

LEO CAESIUS
There are indications that the Thirteen Colonies
lost the Revolutionary War and remain
under British suzerainty.

LANDSHARK
(suddenly snapping to attention)
Wonderful! This is beginning to sound like my cup of tea.

LEO CAESIUS
It also appears that the Confederate States have
succeeded in their attempt to secede from the Union.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
That’s ridiculous. What kind of
Stirlingesque twaddle is this, anyway?

LEO CAESIUS
It also bears noting that the Confederacy
aligned itself with the Axis Powers in the
Second World War, resulting in a decisive
victory for the Third Reich.

DAVE HOWERY
Say what? Have we landed in
one of ConfederateFly’s timelines?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE enter the room, tracking puddles of muddy slush behind them as they walk.

LANDSHARK
Hey! Next time, remember to wipe your feet
before you board the ship!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE
(in chorus)
Yes, Mom!

They both drop to the floor as a tea cup smashes into the bulk head behind them.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(rising to his feet)
Hey, where are Kit, Grey Wolf, and IronYuppie?

G.BONE
What? You need Sex, Booze, and a Beating?

LANDSHARK
They’ve been gone for hours now.
Even worse, we’re getting a signal
and Kit’s not around to decipher it
for us. It’s in some strange language.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Can’t Leo decipher it?

LEO CAESIUS
(scoffing)
Of course I can. It’s Old High Goudan.

LANDSHARK
What’s all this about?
What do you mean, “Old High Goudan?”

LEO CAESIUS
Old High Goudan is the liturgical
language of the Cheese Empire.
**dramatic chord**

G.BONE
Oh, damn…

LANDSHARK
Dear Lord! You can’t possibly mean –

LEO CAESIUS
Yes – we appear to have landed within
the domain of your old arch-enemy,

LANDSHARK
The UltraCheddarite!
**still more dramatic chord**

LANDSHARK
He must be selecting random bits of the
space-time continuum and consolidating
them into one gooey mess! We must act
fast, or we’ll soon find ourselves incorporated
into this trans-dimensional fondue!

DOCTOR WHAT
Weapon, gather up DMA, Michael, Matt,
and whoever else you can find, and mount
a search party. We’ve got to triangulate the
coordinates of this signal without the help of Kit.

LANDSHARK
(coughs discretely)
Ahem.

DOCTOR WHAT
But how to do so? I haven’t the foggiest idea
of how all these blinking lights and screens work.

LANDSHARK
(coughs less discretely)
AHEM!!

DOCTOR WHAT
What is it, Sharky?

LANDSHARK
The signal appears to be originating in Paris, France.

DOCTOR WHAT
What makes you so sure of that?

LANDSHARK
Well, the enormous map of France
over Kit’s console with the blinking
light centered on Paris was my first clue.

DOCTOR WHAT
I don’t understand?

LANDSHARK
(stabs finger at GBW)
Get us to France!

GBW
Sod off. I’m watching my stories.

Pan to GBW who’s watching a small monitor, a tub of popcorn on his lap.

A teacup smashes into the monitor.

GBW
(scurries over to ship controls)
Right. To France you say.

EXT. – PARIS, FRANCE – DAY

The ATL Paris resembles OTL in every respect – save the fact that the Eiffel Tower is crowned by an oversized cube of cheese, which it thrusts into the sky as if offering an enticing hors d’oevre to some Brobdingnagian partygoer.

The city is also apparently deserted. Silence reigns supreme.

The ship hovers besides the enormous block of cheese.

INT. – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

LANDSHARK, DOCTOR WHAT, and THANDE are standing in the CONTROL ROOM.

LANDSHARK
The signal is coming from within the block of cheese!
**dramatic chord**

DOCTOR WHAT
Knock it off, already!
That’s the third time you’ve said that!

LANDSHARK
I know, but it just sounds so cool.
The signal is coming from within
the block of cheese!
**dramatic chord**

DOCTOR WHAT
Thande, what can we do to get rid of the cheese?

THANDE
It just so happens that I’ve managed to whip up
a new batch of experimental cheese-eating bacteria,
from some unusual samples I collected
in le Métropolitain.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, it’s worth a try.

The ship moves up to the block of cheese and fires a small torpedo into its bulk. Almost immediately, the cheese starts to deteriorate. Within seconds, the Eiffel Tower is stripped of its cheesy burden.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thande, that was brilliant! Could you
whip up another batch of those bacteria?

THANDE
Aye aye, skipper!

THANDE disappears. DOCTOR WHAT calls up the search party on his intercom.

DOCTOR WHAT
It’s time for you to move on the Tower!

EXT. – PARIS, FRANCE – DAY

WEAPON M, DMA, MATT, and MICHAEL are standing in the champ de Mars before the Eiffel Tower. MATT is talking to his watch.

MATT
Copy!

MATT fiddles with the stem of his watch and turns to MICHAEL.

MATT
(squints)
What’s with the pink shirt?

MICHAEL
My shirt… um… it must have gotten mixed
up with some bleach! Yeah, that’s the ticket!

MATT
Don’t lie to me! You had to have used a lot
of bleach to get all the red out! What’s the
matter, you don’t like wearing the red shirt?

MICHAEL
Well, would you? I mean, you guys get
to wear camouflage, why do I have to wear
a bright red shirt? There might as well be
a huge target on it!

MATT
Red shirt or not, you guard the outside
of the Tower, we’re going inside!

MICHAEL
You mean – wait here outside – alone?!?

WEAPON M
Of course. What are you worried about, Pink Boy?
The city is deserted.

MICHAEL
(Gulps loudly)
I knew this would happen!
Fine.

MICHAEL sits down on the curb and begins sharpening his oversized novelty fork with a whetstone as the others enter the tower.

MICHAEL
(sighing)
I have a bad feeling about this…

INT. – GROUND FLOOR, THE EIFFEL TOWER – DAY

WEAPON M, DMA, and MATT are arguing in front of the elevator shaft within the Eiffel Tower.

MATT
This place smells like ass!

DMA
You smell like ass!

WEAPON M
Actually, it reminds me of Wisconsin.

WEAPON M reaches for a button marked ASCENSEUR. DMA knocks his hand away from the panel.

DMA
Are you crazy? What about the
Element of Surprise?

WEAPON M
(grimaces)
Aw, heck, I suppose you’re right.
Let’s take the stairs.

MATT
Stairs? I dunno… my ankle’s not going to like that…

INT. – FIRST FLOOR, THE EIFFEL TOWER – DAY

Half an hour later, WEAPON M, DMA, and MATT slowly appear at the top of the stairs, huffing and puffing. WEAPON M is mopping copious sweat from his face with a bandana. MATT is nursing his ankle. DMA is pointedly ignoring both of their protests and loudly reading from a glossy trifold brochure.

DMA
…until 1930, when it was surpassed
by the Empire State Building in New York City…

WEAPON M
DMA, how long …
(gasps)
has it been …
(wheezes)
since we’ve been climbing …
(gasps)
these stairs?

DMA
Oh, about half an hour,
I’d guess, give or take.

WEAPON M
And how …
(gasps)
many …
(gasps)
people … have we seen …
(wheezes)
on our way up?

DMA
Other than the three of us?
(starts counting on his fingers, frowns)
Well, actually, none at all!

WEAPON M
So….
(wheezes)
we can take the elevator…
(gasps)
right?

DMA
No.

WEAPON M
(glaring at DMA)
“No”?

DMA
Well, this guide advises against it.
See, it says right here that the wait
for the elevator during the peak season
can be quite… “consequential.” That’s odd,
I wonder if they meant to say that. I don’t
think it means the same thing in English
as it apparently does in French…

WEAPON M lunges towards DMA, his hands outstretched for his neck. MATT intervenes.

DMA
(Choking)
Fine… let’s take …the South Elevator
up to …the Second Floor.

INT. – RESTAURANT JULES VERNE, THE EIFFEL TOWER – DAY

The camera zooms in on the elevator in the south wall. A guy with flaming dreadlocks and wearing a throwback Broncos jersey, is standing before the elevator. This is MICHAEL E JOHNSON. The elevator doors slide open, revealing a very astonished WEAPON M, MATT, and DMA.

DMA
(to WEAPON M)
I told you we’d lose the
Element of Surprise!

MATT
Kill him! Before he gives us away!

WEAPON M
Relax, it’s just MEJ.
(squints)
Say, what are you doing here, anyway?

MICHAEL E JOHNSON
This is my kind of timeline!

WEAPON M
What are you talking about?
The Confederacy is up and running,
the Third Reich rules over Europe …
which in some unexplained way is
still home to the Roman Empire …
what gives? I thought you’d hate it here!

MICHAEL E JOHNSON
Didn’t you get the memo? Christianity
was DOA as well. Plus, I have to give
the Nazis and the Confederates credit,
they tell it like it is and they don’t try
to hide their racism, unlike some people I could name!

WEAPON M
Why, that’s the most ridiculous…

DMA
JIHAD! JIHAD UPON YOUR ARSE!!!

MICHAEL E JOHNSON
Calm down my Aussie friend.
The Big Cheese sent me here
to deliver a message.
We have taken Michael hostage.

MATT
Michael? That’s impossible! We just left him… downstairs…

DMA
Where have taken Michael, you monster?!?!?!
JIHAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WEAPON M seizes MICHAEL E JOHNSON and pushes him into a chair. He produces a thick roll of duct tape out of nowhere and starts wrapping it around MICHAEL E JOHNSON. Once MICHAEL E JOHNSON is completely swaddled with duct tape, WEAPON M pulls an ice bucket from behind the bar and fills it with water, which he then places under MICHAEL E JOHNSON’s feet. Afterwards, he rips a light sconce from the wall and pulls a pair of wires out from the new hole.

Although it’s somewhat difficult to tell from beneath the duct tape, it appears that MICHAEL E JOHNSON is unfazed by this, and even appears mildly amused.

MATT
Umm… I don’t think that’s such a good idea…

WEAPON M
Relax, I know what I’m doing –
I saw this on an episode of “24″ recently.
(to MICHAEL E JOHNSON)
Tell us where Michael is!

MATT
I think you’re going to need to remove
the duct tape from his mouth.

WEAPON M
Oh, right… shit…
(removes duct tape)
…Tell us where Michael is!

MICHAEL E JOHNSON
How should I know? I’ve been here all this time!

WEAPON M
That’s it! I’m not taking any more of this shit!
(pokes MICHAEL E JOHNSON with wires)

MICHAEL E JOHNSON
Oh, the pain! The pain!
I can’t take it any more!
(starts chuckling to himself)

WEAPON M
What the hell’s the matter with you?
What are you, some kind of freak?

MICHAEL E JOHNSON
No – it’s just that the lights aren’t on,
YOU MORON!!!

WEAPON M
DMA! Adjust the dimmer switch! Now!!!

DMA
Yes, sir! Which setting, sir?

WEAPON M
Start us off with a little mood lighting.
(cackles maniacally)

MICHAEL E JOHNSON
Hey, knock that off! That tickles!!!
(giggles like a little school girl)
Fine… fine… I’ll tell you whatever you want…
but you have to stop tickling me with that thing!

WEAPON M and DMA release MICHAEL E JOHNSON from his restraints.

MICHAEL E JOHNSON
Don’t you guys want to know what happened to the French?

DMA
What about them?

MICHAEL E JOHNSON
The reason why the streets of Paris are empty?

DMA
Oh, that. Carry on!

MICHAEL E. JOHNSON
After the rest of the world had fallen beneath the Big Cheese’s heel,
the French were the only ones who refused to submit to his rule.
After finally squelching a guerilla campaign that took the lives of
some of his finest Stilton stormtroopers, he decided that he could
not allow such a formidable military power as the French to survive.
So he drove them out into the countryside and pasteurized them.

DMA
Surely you mean “pastoralized” them?

MICHAEL E JOHNSON
No.

MATT
The French? A formidable military power?
(begins laughing)

Wait. What does Pasteurized mean?

Fade to black.

END OF ACT I

ACT II

INT – BATTLE ROOM – DAY

The entire crew of the MES AH.COM stand assembled around DOCTOR WHAT, who is briefing them on the situation.

DOCTOR WHAT
… and so judging by the information given to us by MEJ,
the UltraCheddarite has taken Michael to his center of
command in the area around Sheboygan, Wisconsin.
Kit, IRONYUPPIE, and Grey are still missing, and so
we must assume that they have also fallen into his
clutches. We must also assume that the UltraCheddarite
is aware of our presence and proceed with caution.
Yes, Diamond.

DIAMOND
How do we know that MEJ isn’t just trolling us?

DOCTOR WHAT
All we know at the present moment is that Michael
is in fact missing and presumed captured, and that
there is in fact a large military buildup around Madison.
We’ve isolated the most likely location of the
UltraCheddarite and his entourage – a cheese cellar
at the Beechwood Cheese Factory in Sheboygan county.
I’ll let Weapon M brief you on that.

WEAPON M
Pursuant to the information acquired by agents
DMA, Barry, and myself, we are organizing a
rescue mission to recoup our four lost crew-
members. Provisionally, this mission shall
be known as OPERATION CHEESECLOTH.

DMA
I wanted to call it OPERATION JIHAD
but the other two overruled me!
(to himself)
Bastards.

MATT
I suggested OPERATION LACTOSE INTOLERANT,
but we all agreed that it was too long.
I still think it’s a good name, though.

WEAPON M
And my first suggestion, OPERATION CHEESE CUTTER
didn’t really catch on. I still think it’s hilarious.
Get it, cheese-cutter? As in, “cutting the cheese?”
Oh, man, I slay me!

Dead silence.

LANDSHARK
(clearing throat)
DOCTOR WHAT, could you perhaps prevail upon
Larry, Curly, and Moe here to pick up the act?
We’re wasting precious time while the
UltraCheddarite is doing God knows what
to IRONYUPPIE and the rest. The very thought
of it sets my blood to curdling!

DMA
Blood curdling?
(eyes Landshark)
I didn’t know it involved so
much self fondling.

WEAPON M
And moaning.

MATT
And ass grabbing.

The three ship Security Officers begin giggling hysterically.

STRAHA
You three must have been the ones who
snagged some of my latest specimens
from the Hydroponics Bay! I have been
cultivating those plants for months now,
and you just made off with all of my work!
Dammit!

MATT
Chill, dude. Oh, man, is anyone else hungry?.

DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing to get WEAPON M’s attention)
So what does this OPERATION CHEESECLOTH entail?

WEAPON M
Actually, we haven’t gotten that far.
We spent the last few hours arguing over the name.

DOCTOR WHAT
Marone! Torqumada, take these three goons
back to Med Bay and keep them occupied
until they’re sobered up!

TORQUMADA
(grinning evilly)
With pleasure!

TORQUMADA guides WEAPON M, MATT, and DMA out of the Battle Room.

LANDSHARK
I’ve heard enough. I’m taking control of this operation.
GBW, I want you to land the shuttle here…

GBW
(looking at map)
But that’s water…

LANDSHARK
How about this spot?

GBW
That’s rocky terrain.

LANDSHARK
How about this spot?

GBW
That’s-
(Landshark growls)
That’s okay…

The four remaining huddle over a console and begin assembling plans for the operation against the UltraCheddarite.

EXT – THE BEECHWOOD CHEESE FACTORY – NIGHT

The Beechwood Cheese Factory is silent – ominously silent. It appears to be completely devoid of any life. Suddenly a silhouette in a black trenchcoat slides over the top of the compound wall. The silhouette drops to the ground and rolls under a silver dairy truck towards a cellar door beside the barn. The figure then presses a walkie-talkie to his lips and hisses:

LANDSHARK
Red rover, red rover,
let GBW come over!

A second silhouette appears over the top of the wall and drops to the ground. This figure rushes over to the first.

LANDSHARK
Now it’s your turn.

GBW
(looking sheepish)
Umm… red rover, red rover,
let Doctor What come on over!

A third silhouette appears and attempts to jump over the wall. Part of its gear gets snagged on some barbed wire, and the silhouette crashes belly-first against the brick wall with a rather solid slap. At that point, the gear rips free from the wire, and the figure crashes headfirst into the ground.

LANDSHARK
(screaming into the walkie-talkie)
You nincompoot! Need I remind you
that this is a covert mission?!?

DOCTOR WHAT walks over to the first two, vigorously wiping his head.

GBW
Hey Doc, are you alright?

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m fine, I’m fine! My fall was broken
by this cow patty right here.
(hefts cowpat)

LANDSHARK and GBW distance themselves from DOCTOR WHAT.

LANDSHARK
Ah, what the Hell. Over the wall
with the rest of you! Quick!

A few other silhouettes appear over the wall. HENDRYK, ABDUL HADI PASHA, and OTHNIEL join the group.

GBW
We could have just teleported in, y’know.

LANDSHARK
Teleport? Then we couldn’t have worn
these smashing black trench coats.

GBW
Right. Teleporting in would
have been too logical.

Silently, LANDSHARK opens the cellar door and descends down the steps. He motions towards the others to follow him.

INT. – THE BEECHWOOD CHEESE FACTORY – NIGHT

After they enter the cellar, an ominous shape rolls into view. It follows them down the stairs into the cellar.

At the bottom of the steps, OTHNIEL pauses.

OTHNIEL
What’s that rumbling sound?

OTHNIEL turns around to face the top of the stairs.

LANDSHARK
That’s odd… I could swear that I smell thyme…

LANDSHARK and the rest of the team turn slowly to face the top of the stairs. Barreling down towards them is an enormous ball with a rough, slightly grayish exterior, coated in some kind of dark grimey substance.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
No, it can’t be… it’s … it’s … SHANKLEESH!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

The party scrambles out of the way. HENDRYK ducks into a side corridor while the remainder of the group run directly down the hallway. LANDSHARK turns to face the cheese and begins firing his laser rifle at it.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
It’s no use – the rind of the Shankleesh
is as strong as reinforced concrete!
Our only hope is to soften it down with some olive oil!
The party ducks into an adjacent room and slams the door shut.

INT. – THE BEECHWOOD CHEESE FACTORY – MAIN HALL – NIGHT

The room is filled with every conceivable type of cheese. From right to left are seen standing a thick slice of red Leicester equipped with a bazooka, a pockmarked block of Tilsit bearing a Thompson submachine gun, a thick-rind round of Caerphilly wielding an enormous halberd, a sharpened wedge of Bel Paese holding two pistols, a blotchy crimson quarter of Red Windsor, a malodorous block of deliquescent Stilton with a light saber, pale green cubes of Ementhal and Gruyere stacked one on top of the other, a hole-riddled slice of Norwegian Jarlsberg, a crumbly wedge of Lancashire, a chunk of Hungarian Lipto, and assorted portions of White Stilton, Danish Brew, Double Gloucester, Cheshire, Dorset Bluveny, Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de Lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson, a very runny Camenbert, Gouda, an Edam stormtrooper with a rind tougher than reinforced concrete, Case Ness, Smoked Austrian, Japanese Sage Darby, Wensleydale, Greek Feta, a Gorgonzola that doubles as a walking chemical weapon, Parmesan, Mozzarella, Paper Cramer, Danish Bimbo, Czech Sheep’s Milk, Venezuelan Beaver Cheese, and in the center of them all, the UltraCheddarite, being serenaded by dwarven ‘Illchester and Limburger cheese golems strumming bouzoukis.

The UltraCheddarite is, of course, a malevolent cheese based life form with n’th level intelligence and a desire to wipe out all non diary product based life on the face of the planet. He ways something in the neighborhood of a thousand pounds and is shaped roughly like a mound. He has an enormous mouth that spans most of the distance from one side of his neckless “head” to the other, and his body quivers as he talks.

Immediately before him is a huge ceramic fondue pot filled to its brim with noisily boiling fondue, and before that is an Uzbek in a khaki military uniform, complete with epaulets, beret, and a chest full of generic medals and awards. Tucked into a holster under his left arm is a Radom VIS-35 semi-automatic pistol. This is ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
…the Evergreen Horde of Cascadia is humbled
to be given the opportunity to present you with
this batch of kumiss. Drink it in good health.

ULTRACHEDDARITE
(swiveling both of his orange orbs, which appear to operate independently, towards the interlopers)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?

LANDSHARK
(affecting a Texan drawel)
Prepare to eat laser, Limburger lips!
This will cut through you like a knife
through hot butter if you don’t hand
over Yuppie on the double!

ULTRACHEDDARITE
(to the dwarf Illchester and Limberger cheese golems)
SHUT THOSE BLOODY BOUZOUKIS OFF!!
(swivelling back to LANDSHARK)
Yuppie? Yes, of course. Lower the hostage!

MICHAEL begins to descend from the roof, suspended by a chain around his waist, towards the gigantic fondue set.

ULTRACHEDDARITE
Put down your weapons or the redshirt gets it!

MICHAEL
It’s not red, it’s pink!

LANDSHARK
(with an air of disappointment)
You?!?!? Wait, I mean…
(grabbing ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS)
Make any sudden moves and the Uzbek gets it!

The ULTRACHEDDARITE motions to the Edam stormtrooper, who opens fire on ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS.

ULTRACHEDDARITE
(laughs insanely)
What a *senseless* waste of human life.

Suddenly, from behind the ULTRACHEDDARITE, HENDRYK rushes into the room. Without pausing, he pushes himself into the ULTRACHEDDARITE who topples off his post into the boiling vat of fondue before him!

ULTRACHEDDARITE
AIIIGGGGGHH!!!!

MICHAEL’s slow descent comes to a standstill, but the party finds itself surrounded by bloodthirsty cheeses seeking revenge!

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re doomed!
I’m too beautiful to die!

IRONYUPPIE
Not yet, you aren’t!

IRONYUPPIE, KIT, and GREY WOLF emerge into the room accompanied by a full battalion of bearded Amish Stormtroopers, who quickly make short work of the cheeses with their pitchforks and flintlock muskets.

LANDSHARK
Yuppie! You’re alive!

DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at Yuppie)
Did anyone else find that arousing?

IRONYUPPIE
Don’t thank me, thank the boys from Lancaster County!

AMOS STOLTZFUS
(rubbing nose and sniffling)
Fret not, Englisch, ‘tis all in a day’s work.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS rises to his feet, shaking himself off and removing a small Bible from his breast pocket. A bullet seems lodge in the cover.

ROMULUS AUGUSTULUS
Hey! This thing does have a use after all!
It saved my life! And to think that all
this time I’ve been using it as a doorstop…
Everyone tilts their head back and laughs.

Fade to black.

MICHAEL

(over black)
Can someone get me down?

TAG

INT. – BATTLE ROOM – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

LEO CAESIUS
Without the disruptive influence of the Ultracheddarite
and his experiments with space and time, this TL
should return to something resembling normality.
Already the discrepancies are starting to work
their way out of the system.

DOCTOR WHAT
So, you mean to say that there will be no
permanent effects whatsoever?

LEO CAESIUS
That is correct – with few exceptions. The polity
calling itself “the Evergreen Horde of Cascadia”
has converted en masse to the Jehovah’s Witnesses,
and have embarked upon an ambitious “yurt to yurt ministry.”

HENDRYK
(holding his head in his hands)
You have no idea how difficult that was for me.

DOCTOR WHAT
You mean taking a life, even if it was
the life of a mutated, genocidal cheese?
Just remember – if it hadn’t been for your
quick thinking, Michael would be toast.

LANDSHARK
(Sarcastically)
Thanks, Hendryk.

HENDRYK
No, not that. It’s just … did it have to be cheddar?
I mean, I could tolerate Gruyere or even Fontina
in a pinch, but no self-respecting gourmand puts
cheddar in a fondue!
(shudders)

OTHNIEL
I thought it was rather tasty.

HENDRYK
(shrugs)
Americans!

FADE TO BLACK.

ROLL END CREDITS.