TEASER

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING CRAWLWAY – DAY

A small hatch opens and we see KIT and LANDSHARK enter a cramped crawlway.

LANDSHARK
Don’t we have minions to do this
sort of monkey labor?

KIT
Those lazy fools? They’re always drunk or sleeping.

The two move to a darkened part of the crawlway. KIT opens a small bag and pull out a light bulb. LANDSHARK screws in the bulb. It flickers and then shines.

LANDSHARK
Ah. A job well done.

Suddenly the bulb flickers and then goes out with a faint pop. Moments later the whole crawlway is plunged into darkness.

Over black.

LANDSHARK
(Voice over)
This doesn’t bode well.
(a beat)
That had better be a torch, KIT…

KIT
(VO)
Is it big, and hard?

LANDSHARK
(VO)
Yes.

KIT
(VO)
(sighing)
Then it’s a torch.

LANDSHARK
One can dream…

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series

“BROKE DOWN AGAIN”

Written by : MICHAEL

ACT 1

EXT – SPACE – DAY

A vortex appears, big and swirling. Moments later a ship exits from it.

Pull in on the ship. Camera holds while the ship crosses its view. Slow and majestic. The name of the ship clearly visible, AH.COM.

Cut to a camera showing the ship from behind. The AH.COM is moving toward the background, the engines clearly visible. The

engines are emitting a bright white light. They suddenly sputter, then stop, and then begin trailing smoke.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY

The crew is gathered, all looking a bit nervous and confused.

GREY WOLF
(confused)
What do you mean?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(nervous)
The shift engine seems to have gone kaput…

DOCTOR WHAT
That’s impossible!

DAVE HOWERY
It just happened.

DOCTOR WHAT
But. That’s impossible!

GREY WOLF
Can it be fixed?

DAVE HOWERY
(nervously)
Someone…
(looks at Dr. What)
…sold all our spare parts…

DOCTOR WHAT
(defensively)
It was for the good of the ship!
Everyone enjoyed it…

DIAMOND
You mean the giant cake you jumped
out of for Grey Wolf’s birthday?
I kinda liked it…

KIT
Though he didn’t have to wear the
hula skirt and coconuts..

LANDSHARK
What was the reasoning behind that?

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
(to GBW)
What happened to the engines?
Can we still cross the Mulitverse?

GBW
Crossing the Multiverse will be no problem.
The problem is that every time we cross
into another universe, it causes more
damage to the shift engines.
(pause)
Bringing them closer to complete overload.

GREY WOLF
Complete overload?

GBW
The shift engines are a complicated piece
of machinery, made up of dozens
of different systems. The power overload
caused the shift controls to fuse. Basically
we don’t have control as to which universe
we cross over to, nor do we have any
control over how long we stay in a universe.

DOCTOR WHAT
Huh?

GBW
The shift engines will be automatically
engaging at random time intervals, causing
the ship to be sucked into the vortex and
into another universe.

GREY WOLF
That doesn’t sound so bad.

GBW
But every time that happens it causes
a major power buildup in the shift
engines, bringing it ever closer to a
complete overload.

DOCTOR WHAT
That sounds bad…

GBW
Basically the ship will become a huge atomic fireball.

DIAMOND
Yeah. I vote for not becoming an atomic fireball.

LANDSHARK
What are we to do?

Everyone looks to DAVE HOWERY, who shrugs and looks to GBW.

GBW
We need a replacement part.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, it seems we’re conveniently over a alternate earth.
We’ll go down and find this part.
To the Teleportation Room!

Cut to.

INT – TELEPORTION ROOM – DAY

KIT, DOCTOR WHAT, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, LANDSHARK and GREY WOLF are all standing on bright white circles on the floor while MICHAEL and G.BONE stand at the teleporter console.

MICHAEL
Are you sure this’ll work G.BONE?

G.BONE
(suspiciously)
Why?

MICHAEL
Well, there was that thing that
came through last time…

LANDSHARK
(nervously)
What thing?

G.BONE
(quickly)
Nothing!

LANDSHARK
(becoming paranoid)
What thing? What happened last time?!

MICHAEL
This great big monster came through.
It wrecked most of the teleportation tubes.
It was big and scary!

DOCTOR WHAT
Are you sure we shouldn’t use the shuttle, Grey?

GREY WOLF
(Has pants on his head and a bottle of whisky in his hand)
PANTS TO PANTSLESS IN 4 PINTS!

DOCTOR WHAT
(checks watch against a clipboard)
Grey Wolf’s already drunk.
Everything’s going as planned.

LANDSHARK
Off we go!

KIT
So, G.BONE, where are you sending us?

G.BONE just glares at him and keeps hitting buttons.

KIT
Ooh, testy.

G.BONE
(muttering)
They never let me go on missions…

G.BONE hits the computer console.

FLASH OF LIGHT

Suddenly the five find themselves in the middle of a busy city.
Everyone looks about.

LANDSHARK
So, what do we need?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I don’t know…

LANDSHARK
What do you mean “I don’t know”?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Exactly what I said, I have no idea how to fix it. What do you think I am?
An Engineer or something?
I thought GBW told Dr. What.

LANDSHARK
Speaking of which, where is Dr. What?

They all look to their left and see the red light district, DOCTOR WHAT can be seen to be soliciting what is obviously a transsexual. They all wander over to him.

DOCTOR WHAT
(handing a large wad of bills to the transsexual)
There, 300 dollars…

TRANSSEXUAL
(eyeing Canadian currency)
This isn’t real money…

LANDSHARK
(interrupting TRANSSEXUAL)
What are you doing?

DOCTOR WHAT
Looking after number 1.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Eyeing transsexual)
I notice you didn’t get enough for all of us…

DOCTOR WHAT
(Grabbing transsexual)
She’s mine!

LANDSHARK
(Scoffing)
She?
Even Michael’s more
womanly than that thing!

GREY WOLF
(slurring)
And has soft skin too!

KIT
Even Landshark puts his makeup on better.

TRANSSEXUAL
Fine!
(storms off)

DOCTOR WHAT
NO! MY CANADIAN DOLLARS!
GIVE THEM BACK YOU WHORE!

The TRANSSEXUAL just turns around and glares at DOCTOR WHAT, the others back away from him. Other street walkers appear and start heading directly towards DOCTOR WHAT, all brandishing some kind of blunt instrument.

DOCTOR WHAT
(pulling out communicator)
Um…G.BONE?
(silence)
Er…someone else?

MICHAEL
(inquisitively)
Yes?

DOCTOR WHAT
(nervously)
I’m about to be beaten mercilessly…

MICHAEL
(bored)
And?

DOCTOR WHAT
(pitifully)
Help me…

MICHAEL
(contemplates this)
Nah.

The line goes dead and starts beeping in what seems to be a condescending way.

DOCTOR WHAT
Damn.

DOCTOR WHAT starts running from the sizeable angry mob.

GREY WOLF pulls out his communicator.

GREY WOLF
(confused)
Hello?

MICHAEL
(enthusiastically)
Hi there!

GREY WOLF
Could you beam us up?

MICHAEL
Did you find that thing?

GREY WOLF
Well… no. DOCTOR WHAT
enraged the locals.

MICHAEL
OK, I’ll get G.BONE right on it.

GREY WOLF
Cheers.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

There’s a shimmering and a popping sound and KIT, LANDSHARK, GREY
WOLF and PSYCHOMELTDOWN all appear.

KIT
Hmm, someone’s missing…

Another pop and DOCTOR WHAT appears lying down on the ground and
cowering, alternately covering his groin and face.

DOCTOR WHAT
(crying)
Don’t hurt me!
Don’t hurt me!

KIT
(grinning at DOCTOR WHAT)
Only at first.

MICHAEL
Any luck?

GREY WOLF
Nope.

MICHAEL
So, do we go to another universe?

GREY WOLF
It’s not like we can stop going
to another universe, idiot!

LANDSHARK
Hopefully the ship doesn’t blow up.

Suddenly the com comes on.

GBW
(over com)
Vortex opening!
Ten. Two. One.

Suddenly they are all thrown to the floor as the ship tears a hole into the fabric of the Multiverse.

GREY WOLF
(in pain)
Help…

EXT. – SPACE – DAY

AH.COM ship pops out of a vortex. Trailing smoke.

INT. – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Not as bad.
We’re still in one piece.

GREY WOLF
(from beneath PSYCHOMELTDOWN)
Get… off… pain…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Quit faking. You know you like being on bottom.

GREY WOLF gasps for breath

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh… You know you’re crushing his windpipe?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Really?

Pause.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay…
To the shuttle bay!

INT – SHUTTLE POD BAY – DAY

WEAPON M and MATT are seen arguing as the crew wander in, GREY WOLF staggering after them.

WEAPON M
(annoyed tone)
CALIBRE!!

MATT
RATE OF FIRE!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What are you two arguing about?

WEAPON M
We’re not arguing, I’m speaking in a calm
controlled tone, he’s just being obtuse and contrary.

MATT
‘Tis true.

WEAPON M
So, why are you in the shuttle bay?

MICHAEL
(beaming with pride)
We’re going planetside.

They all glare at MICHAEL.

MICHAEL
DAMMIT! I’m coming too for once!

KIT
(leering)
You can come with me any time…

MICHAEL
(edging away from KIT)
So Doc, what are we looking for?

DOCTOR WHAT
A 7-spoked cog.

MICHAEL
That shouldn’t be too hard to fi…

DOCTOR WHAT
(interrupting MICHAEL)
It’s made of Whatistianiteion,
an amalgamation of Glaucodot,
Hutchinsonite, Polylithionite and
Weloganite, but it’s 99% Obsidian.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Obsidian? Doesn’t that involve Aztecs?

DOCTOR WHAT
And?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Didn’t the Aztecs sacrifice people?

DOCTOR WHAT
You big baby, MATT will have his armour,
and he’ll be able to protect you.

MATT has his hand up and is bounding around like he was in a pre-school class and had to potty.

DOCTOR WHAT
(wearily)
Yes MATT…

MATT
Why Aztecs specifically?

DOCTOR WHAT
Because they carved up obsidian.

MATT
I mean, why not Incan or Mayan,
or even another country…?

DOCTOR WHAT
Because I like saying Aztec.
Aztec.
Aztec.
Aztec.

MICHAEL
I like saying Chimichanga.
Chimichanga.
Chimichanga.
Chimichanga.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Enchilada’s fun as well.
Enchilada.
Enchilada.
Enchilada.

GREY WOLF
(annoyed)
ENOUGH!
Cease your senseless prattling!
(PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s bottom lip begins quivering)
We shall go down to this planet and search for cogs carved of obsidian!

KIT
Why would someone use
obsidian for a cog?

DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
It’s something different.

MICHAEL
So, does this planet have an Aztec civilizations?

DOCTOR WHAT
And how are we meant to know that?

MICHAEL
Don’t we have ways of scanning the planet?

DOCTOR WHAT
And miss out on a perfectly good opportunity
to get off this damn ship?

LEO
(sniffing)
That hurt, DR. WHAT.
That really hurt.

INT – SHUTTLE POD ALPHA – DAY

The faces of some of the crew members can be seen to be pressed against the screen of the shuttle.

GREY WOLF
(annoyed)
DAMN IT MATT!
Take that bloody suit off!

The camera pans to show MATT hunched over in his dreadnought amour, taking up 99% of the room, squeezing the other members around WEAPON M, who is trying to learn how to pilot the shuttle, with some on the job training.

MATT
(Sheepishly)
I don’t know how.

MICHAEL pushes DOCTOR WHAT closer to KIT, who just begins beaming, and grabs a fire axe from the wall.

MICHAEL
(with a psychotic glint in his eye)
Just give me a second…

MATT attempts to run away but merely over balances the shuttle, sending it into a death spin, the crew are thrown head over heels repeatedly, except for DOCTOR WHAT, who’s holding on for dear life to the wall, with eyes and mouth clenched, and KIT, who’s holding on for dear life to DOCTOR WHAT.

Beads of sweat begin dripping off of WEAPON M’s brow as he attempts to stop the shuttle’s barrel roll of death, but finding it incredibly difficult, he merely throws his hands in the air.

WEAPON M
(screaming)
We’re all gonna die!

Suddenly, the shuttle’s auto pilot kicks in, and instantly rights the ship, sending KIT flying off DOCTOR WHAT.

DOCTOR WHAT
(appreciatively)
Thank Christ for that!

But sending MATT into DOCTOR WHAT, with nought but a sickening crack to be heard.

MATT
Whoops…

MICHAEL pushes the other crew members off him, and stands up. He points at DOCTOR WHAT, who is once again whimpering.

MICHAEL
Is he alright?

MATT hurriedly stands up and picks DOCTOR WHAT up.

MATT
He’s fine, look he’s even
breathing normally.

MICHAEL
I’d debate the use of normal
around DOCTOR WHAT on any
other day, but we have to get to
whatever we were doing!

KIT
(still lying under GREY WOLF)
The seven sided cog!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN’s legs can be seen to be sticking out from under KIT, one of which is twitching in what can only be described as a vain plea for help.

There is a banging heard on the outside of the shuttle. GREY WOLF stands up and looks out the window, but only sees a large empty field. The banging continues.

MATT drops DOCTOR WHAT’s apparently lifeless body and strides to the door. MICHAEL just picks the axe back up and follows MATT cautiously to the door, ready to attack whatever’s on the other side.

The door opens with a sigh and it reveals a man in bedraggled clothes. He spies DOCTOR WHAT and exclaims:

BEDRAGGLED STRANGER
(pointing at DOCTOR WHAT)
The destroyer of hamlets!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN has managed to get KIT off him, and hears this last bit, he starts laughing at the pathetic-ness of it.

GREY WOLF forces his way past MATT towards the BEDRAGGLED STRANGER.

GREY WOLF
What’s your name?

BEDRAGGLED STRANGER
I am friend with none who travel with the
(ominously)
Destroyer of Hamlets!

GREY WOLF
Oh, him?

DOCTOR WHAT gets to his feet, groaning.

GREY WOLF
(Nonchalantly)
He just hangs with us,
we don’t really like him.

DOCTOR WHAT just stares at GREY WOLF slack jawed, stunned by this sudden revelation

DOCTOR WHAT
Wha?

GREY WOLF
(quickly continuing)
Yeah, he just follows us
everywhere, he’s like a bad smell.

MICHAEL
I told you, I’ve got a fear of soap,
phobia of water and KIT’s always in there!

GREY WOLF
That doesn’t stop the rest of us!

MICHAEL
You just use copious amounts of deodorant!

GREY WOLF just ignores MICHAEL and goes back to the BEDRAGGLED STRANGER.

GREY WOLF
So, what do they call you?

BEDRAGGLED STRANGER
They call me…
(He pauses)
CONFEDERATEFLY.

KIT
So CONFEDERATEFLY,
are there any Aztecs here?

CONFEDERATEFLY
Lots.

KIT
Do they still sacrifice people?

CONFEDERATEFLY
The Aztecs don’t sacrifice people… Where are you from?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Is there anyone on this planet who sacrifices people?

CONFEDERATEFLY
Nooo…

GREY WOLF
What a bloody waste!
Everyone back in the shuttle!
KIT! Stop fondling the local!

KIT sighs and stomps back into the shuttle.

DOCTOR WHAT
But I thought everyone loved
my wacky sense of humour??

MICHAEL
Shut up.

The shuttle takes off back to the ship.

CONFEDERATEFLY watches the shuttle disappear. A man in a loincloth walks up.

TARZAN WANNABE
Come on CONFEDERATEFLY, you’ve gotta
obfuscate that guy and take out his heart.

CONFEDERATEFLY
Yeah, okay, say, have you ever heard of “Aztecs”?

TARZAN
Yeah, they’re those weird guys in the jungle
with the big rock pyramids who carve out the lungs.

CONFEDERATEFLY
I thought they were the Quetzalcoatlians?

TARZAN
No, that’s the name of their religion.

CONFEDERATEFLY
Ah… So, I guess there are Aztecs here…
Those poor people, I wonder what they’ll do now

FADE

EXT – SHUTTLE – DAY

The crew of the shuttle are once again pressed against the ship, except for GREY WOLF who has managed to take the pilot’s seat, and as such can look out of the window.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – SHUTTLE BAY – DAY

MICHAEL
What do we do now?

DOCTOR WHAT
We go to another dimension.

GREY WOLF
Fuck.

MICHAEL
But the pain…

KIT
You didn’t complain last night..

GBW
(over com)
Three… now!

Ship begins shaking violently.

MICHAEL
Mommy!!!

END OF ACT I

ACT 2

EXT – SPACE– DAY

Another portal opens, spitting out the ship, more smoke trailing behind it.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

GREY WOLF can be seen to have his head in a fridge. He suddenly pulls it out and his face is contorted into a display of pure anger.

OTHNIEL walks into the mess hall and grabs a soda, but GREY WOLF has already launched himself at OTHNIEL. With a savage cry he begins beating OTHNIEL’s head against the bar.

GREY WOLF
WHY?!!!

GREY WOLF stops banging OTHNIEL’s head for a second, OTHNIEL raises his head as if to speak, but just spits out some teeth.

GREY WOLF resumes banging OTHNIEL’s head into the bar.

GREY WOLF
ANSWER ME UNICORN HATER!

LANDSHARK looks up, jumps out of his chair, and begins attacking OTHNIEL’s calves.

DOCTOR WHAT wanders by, watching the attack. He heads for the fridge and opens it up.

DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Where’s the booze?

DIAMOND
There’s no alcohol.

DOCTOR WHAT
But, that’s impossible!
Only reason for that would be…
(eyes OTHNIEL)
Sabotage!

OTHNIEL frees himself of GREY WOLF and LANDSHARK.

OTHNIEL
(Through bleeding gums and without teeth)
I wz meery tryim to saf ur soolz.

DOCTOR WHAT grabs OTHNIEL by the scruff of his uniform and slams him against the wall, unfortunately, he is unable to hold

him there for very long, and OTHNIEL just collapses on top of him, but DOCTOR WHAT, adjusting quickly, just glares at OTHNIEL.

DOCTOR WHAT
BUT WHY THE BOOZE!!!

OTHNIEL
Becuz I alweady gof rif ov the pot.

Suddenly, STRAHA comes bursting in, brandishing a chainsaw and surprisingly, without a big cloud of smoke trailing him, he sees OTHNIEL surrounded by members brandishing implements of death. He starts revving his chainsaw.

DIAMOND
Wait, don’t kill him, we can just get
booze off the next planet we go to!

STRAHA still brandishes the chainsaw in a threatening manner.

STRAHA
What about my pot…
My sweet, loving pot…

DIAMOND
There’s no way he got rid of it all.

STRAHA
You’re right.

STRAHA shrugs and walks off, tossing the chainsaw over his shoulder.

DOCTOR WHAT
To the planet!

Most of the members involved in the scuffle run to the teleportation room.

DIAMOND
I’ve been sober for three minutes.
(bursts into tears)

INT – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT, KIT, LANDSHARK, GREY WOLF, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, and G.BONE occupy the Teleportation Room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Right. We all know the mission.
Spare part and booze.

KIT
I’ll mission you.

Everyone looks at him, confused.

KIT
(shrugging)
What can I say.
It’s been a long day.

LANDSHARK
I bet you’ve had longer.
(giggles)

KIT
Quiet or I’ll tell stories.

LANDSHARK
I tell you! It was because
Of the icy North Atlantic!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That explains a lot…

DOCTOR WHAT
Uh…
G.BONE?

G.BONE
(shuddering)
On it.
(hits button)

Everyone vanishes in a flash.

EXT – CITY STREET – DAY

They appear in a flash. DOCTOR WHAT pause for a moment to pat his
crotch.

The street is full of old brick buildings, most of which are right-angled pyramids.

DOCTOR WHAT
I think we’ll find what we need here…

GREY WOLF
Good, you get the thing, the rest of us will get booze.

DOCTOR WHAT
And I have to brave the Aztec
temples to find the Whatistianiteion?

GREY WOLF
Yes.
(Turns to others)
TO A LIQUOR STORE!

They all run off searching for a retailer of fine intoxicating beverages.

DOCTOR WHAT
(wearily)
Michael?

MICHAEL
(over communicator)
Wow, that’s really cool, but is it legal?

G.BONE
(OC)
No. But that’s the best part…

MICHAEL
(OC)
Oh, okay.
How much do you need?

DOCTOR WHAT
HEY, MICHAEL!

MICHAEL
Huh?

DOCTOR WHAT
Use the scanners to find where
I can get some Whatistianiteion!

MICHAEL
(sighing)
Oh, it’s you…
Fine. I’ll find your stupid
Whatistianiteion.
(long, long, long pause)
Got it.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where is it?

MICHAEL
300 metres west.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks.

DOCTOR WHAT begins jogging, but after 12 feet starts gasping and wheezing and can barely collapse onto the ground before a massive heart attack would have occurred.

DOCTOR WHAT
(wheezing)
Must… Never… Jog… AGAIN!

DOCTOR WHAT spends the next few minutes regaining his breath, before walking at a very slow pace towards his destination, all the while keeping his eyes open for a cab.

MEANWHILE…

INT. – MONETUZUMA’S OCTLI WAREHOUSE – DAY

The other earth side ship members have found a purveyor of inebriation
and are currently haggling a better price for all his stock

LANDSHARK
(brandishing cricket bat in a threatening manner)
You’ll give us your alcohol, or we’ll blow up the store!

KIT is waiting outside looking out for any form of local law enforcement, GREY WOLF has collapsed in a corner at the sight of so much alcohol, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN is trying to revive him, LANDSHARK is still threatening the owner of the store.

STORE OWNER
TLEN?

LANDSHARK
(getting annoyed)
ENGLISH YOU COLONIAL GIT!
DO YOU SPEAK IT!

STORE OWNER
TLEN CHIHUA MACAMO MITZ IHTOA!
MITZ AQUIMAMATCAYOTI TEPEHUANI!

LANDSHARK
Did anyone understand that?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I think he called you a stubborn conquistador
Either that or your penis is lacking fame and fortune…
(shrugs)
I don’t know Aztec.

LANDSHARK
Can’t we just take the stuff and leave some money?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Fine, just do that.

LANDSHARK brains the STORE OWNER who collapses with only a cry of UGH! and they start attaching beacons to the containers of alcohol, which soon begin disappearing with only a faint popping noise.

EXT. – CITY STREET – DAY

The camera shows a wheel chair and a person sitting in it, the person pushing it appears to be a frail old man on his last legs; he pushes the wheel chair up the hill, and collapses.

DOCTOR WHAT gets out of the wheelchair, throwing off the blanket and removing the tea cozy from his head.

DOCTOR WHAT
Thank you kindly for the use of your vehicle.

The old man just lies there, DOCTOR WHAT nudges him with his foot and quickly walks away, heading into the large temple.

Suddenly, his communicator begins beeping.

MICHAEL
You’re in the right temple DOC…
now, all you have to do is get past the traps.

DOCTOR WHAT
They should be no trouble for a man
of my athleticism and intellect!

MICHAEL
Are you sure you don’t want me to
send DMA down to do it for you?

DOCTOR WHAT
(Hopefully)
Would you really do that for me?

MICHAEL
(cruelly)
Nope.
(begins laughing)

The communicator falls silent

DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
When I get back…

DOCTOR WHAT takes a nervous step into the cavernous depths of the
temple, avoiding the many bones and skulls that litter the floor.

DOCTOR WHAT
I wonder why there are only femurs
and skulls lying about?

DOCTOR WHAT takes another step along the dimly lit corridor, when a large spike comes out of the wall with a large screeching sound.

Unfortunately, the massive amount of friction causes the tinder dry moss to catch on fire, setting the walls ablaze, revealing it all to be an elaborate ruse, with lots of little midgets hanging around behind the scenes holding onto levers that are attached by thin wires to large implements of death.

DOCTOR WHAT sees this and begins panicking, he turns to run but finds himself surround by large robed guards holding sharp pointed sticks.

DOCTOR WHAT seizes grabs a spear, knocking one of the guards over, revealing them to be naught but 3 midgets on each others’ shoulders.

DOCTOR WHAT quickly squares off with the other guard, who topples over.

DOCTOR WHAT, now seeing he’s faced with six midgets, panics and runs off deeper into the temple.

Cut to.

INT – AH.COM SHIP – CARGO BAY – DAY

GREY WOLF is sitting in the loading dock holding a nervous OTHNIEL by the scruff of his collar, suddenly crates and crates of hooch and goon appeared.

GREY WOLF drops to his knees, hugging the first crate.

GREY WOLF
THANK YOU!
(begins weeping)

OTHNIEL suddenly pulls out a fire axe and leaps into the air, preparing to cleave the inebriant in twain. Unfortunately for him, LANDSHARK, KIT and PSYCHOMELTDOWN all appear at that exact moment.

LANDSHARK reacts quickly by picking up an iron bar off the floor and knocking OTHNIEL out of the sky and into a wall, where he lapses into unconsciousness.

GREY WOLF grabs a bottle and begins chugging on it.

KIT
Wow. Look at him suck…

GREY WOLF reacts by throwing the now drained bottle at KIT’s head. He quickly grabs another and begins taking large gulps.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN, KIT and LANDSHARK all begin laughing as if they were in some 80s show.

KIT
Wait, why are we laughing?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Because our friend has a serious
drinking problem and is a violent drunk.

KIT
(begins laughing)
Oh, that Grey Wolf!

GREY WOLF growls angrily and another bottle flies across the screen.

INT – AZTEC TEMPLE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT steps over the sprawling unconscious forms of the Aztec guards and grabs the Whatistianiteion.

DOCTOR WHAT
(activating communicator)
One to beam aboard.

MICHAEL
(over communicator)
Look, we’re busy beaming booze aboard,
can you call back?

DOCTOR WHAT
(Eyeing approaching guards)
Umm, no, I don’t think so

MICHAEL
Look, I’d love to beam you aboard,
you know that, I know that. But I
can’t stop with the alcohol or they’ll hurt me.
(whimpers)
And in not a fun way…

DOCTOR WHAT
I’M THE CAPTAIN, DAMNIT!

MICHAEL
(Nervously)
Didn’t you get the memo?
There was a coup d’etat…

DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, that was just a practical joke,
LANDSHARK was kidding,
didn’t you notice the happy look on his face?

MICHAEL
But, what about the scorch marks in your office?

DOCTOR WHAT
Err, that was just a little “Celebration” we had.

MICHAEL
(unsure)
Okay…

DOCTOR WHAT vanishes from the temple.

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTATION ROOM – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT appears, checks his crotch and then he runs off to engineering lugging the Whatistianiteion.

Cut to.

INT – ENGINEERING – DAY

DAVE HOWERY and HENDRYK are in front of the engine core. HENDRYK is holding a gadget labelled “Patent Babelfish French Translator”. DAVE HOWERY kicks the engine core, it kicks him back.

DAVE HOWERY
WHAT THE F-!

HENDRYK
(through device)
Tranquillité vous Américain sale, le grand
Serez de retour bientôt et seriez déçu pour
devoir réparer la machine plus loin.
FÉLICITEZ LE GRAND !

DAVE HOWERY
It’s because he had sex with a real
woman that you worship him isn’t it?

HENDRYK
Vous ne déprécierez pas les grands des
accomplissements américains.

DAVE HOWERY
The, “great one” is nothing but a phony!
And what’s worse – HE’S CANADIAN!

HENDRYK
Vous irritez cet domestique humble
de le grand, ceci est votre avertissement final!

DAVE HOWERY
Bah, what ya gonna do Frenchy?
Perform cunninglingus on me?
Trust me. Better men have tried!

Suddenly, HENDRYK’s tongue snaps out and slaps DAVE HOWERY.

HENDRYK
Permettez-y d’être une leçon à vous, l’américain!

DAVE HOWERY
(eyeing HENDRYK)
With that tongue…
The fun we could have.

HENDRYK backs off, DOCTOR WHAT suddenly bursts in.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hail Archbishop, what happened during my absence?

HENDRYK glares at DAVE HOWERY who merely smiles back.

HENDRYK
Rien, Le ‘Grand.

DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent, now, move so I can install this.

HENDRYK
Comme votre domestique toujours humble que je.

DOCTOR WHAT quickly installs the component.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, to test it…

HENDRYK quickly scurries over to the intercom.

HENDRYK
Allez à la chronologie où la France règne le monde!

GBW
(over intercom)
Umm… OK.

INT – CONTROL ROOM – DAY

GBW
Does anyone know what he wants?

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(shrugging)
He’s French.
Who knows?

GBW nods and then hits a button at random and there’s no shaking.

GBW
Hey, it’s fixed.

ABDUL HADI PASHA
Yay! Now, let’s celebrate by rubbing
olive oil all over one another!

Long pause.

GBW
(shrugs)
Okay!

Cut to:

END OF ACT II

TAG

INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MESS HALL – DAY

DIAMOND, GREY WOLF, and DOCTOR WHAT sit around a table, empty bottles scattered upon the floor around them.

DIAMOND
All’s well that ends well.

GREY WOLF
This ended well?

DOCTOR WHAT
We’re alive, no?

DIAMOND
We got what we were looking for.

GREY WOLF
You didn’t even go on the mission!

DIAMOND
My skills were needed elsewhere…

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, what matters is that the ship is running smoothly.
What else could go wrong?

GREY WOLF
Damn, Doc.
You shouldn’t have said that.

Cut to:

EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY

The ship moves by, lazily orbiting a planet. Camera pulls in and we see something attached to the side of the ship. Continue to pull in and we see it’s a giant squid like creature, slowly making its way across the hull.

Tight on a huge red eye that stares into the camera.

Ominous music begins to play.

DIAMOND
(voice over)
We’re so fucked.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS