TEASER

INT. – CHRIS’S ROOM – DAY

CHRIS is sitting in a chair, staring at the audience..

CHRIS
Good Morning, fellow AH.COMMERS. It has come to my
attention that some of you have not been leaving comments
for my stories. As anyone could tell you…this is very demoralising a
nd is contributing to my poverty.
(Pause)
And we all know what the cure for poverty is, don’t we?

KID
Money?

CHRIS
Quite right, money! If you want me to write more,
you could pay me, or at least
(screams)
LEAVE A COMMENT, YOU STUPID WANKERS!

CHRIS stops, gasping for breath. There is a long pause.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
CHRIS, get on with it!

CHRIS
(puzzled)
Get on with what?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I said you could have this little rant if you
wrote a second AH.COM episode, remember?

CHRIS
(quickly)
I did?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
YES!

CHRIS
Ah, come on, they deserve a break from adventures for just one week.
Think of how much better it would be if I just wrote twenty pages of
ranting about the bastards who don’t comment…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
And keep it clean, this time. We
want to break into the children’s market.
There’s an ass load of money to be
made in the children’s market.

CHRIS
(outraged)
Clean? Me? What about the sex? The drugs?
The rock and roll? Landie’s relationship with Erikka?
We are not suitable for children…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well? I want fan service! I want a script that
will make people say…’why, that PSYCHOMELTDOWN,
he has a talent for getting the best out of people’.

CHRIS
You’d be better off offering huge cash bribes.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
But you get to use this as a
platform for your right-wing views.

CHRIS
All right, all right, I’ll get on with it.
(mutters)
Me thinks that Indian man speaks with forked tongue.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’m writing…

CHRIS
Don’t you mean waiting?

The title scenes start to roll as PSYCHOMELTDOWN advances on CHRIS with a threatening air.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series

“THE PLANET OF PORN”

Written By: CHRIS

ACT 1

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The CTT.NET is under attack by three smaller ships, battling it out for supremacy in a display that would awe any SFviewer.

INT. – CTT.NET BRIDGE – DAY

ADAM
Captain, enemy ships are closing in and firing heavy weapons.

CHRIS
All shields to max, open fire!

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The CTT.NET rocks under a hail of fire from the enemy ships.

INT. – CTT.NET BRIDGE – DAY

ADAM
One enemy ship destroyed, two more closing in and firing…
(beat)
They’re hailing us!

CHRIS
Open communications.

The viewsceen lights up with a dark-skinned man wearing a Turkish Fez. It is, of course, ABDUL HADI PASHA

ABDUL HADI PASHA
This is Admiral ABDUL HADI PASHA of the
Inevitable European Caliphate. Surrender your
ship at once or be destroyed!

CHRIS’s mouth drops wide open and his face goes very pale.

CHRIS
I knew it! They said I was mad, they said I was
a right-winger, but look at me now! I was right!
(pause)
I wish Hendryk was here to see this!
(back to ABDUL)
Surrender, never!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
I shall pray for your soul.
(to his crew)
Open fire!

CHRIS
(To ADAM)
Arm all weapons! Prepare the final instruments
of doom and gloom! Launch the Kratman Missiles!
Launch the Ringo Plasma Cannons. Launch the Styrn Guns!

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The enemy ships rock under the weight of the fire, but all of them remain intact.

INT. – CTT.NET BRIDGE – DAY

ADAM
Our weapons are ineffective!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(Gloating) Don’t you know that all of them predicted the inevitable Caliphate?

CHRIS
Damn!

ADAM
Sir, we’ve got another ship coming in…it’s the AH.COM!

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM races into the battle!

INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT takes action.

DOCTOR WHAT
GBW, DMA, target those ships and
drive them off the CTT.NET, now!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(appearing on viewscreen) You sons of dogs
are well known as the most immoral bunch
of inter-dimensional explorers in the history
of the Multiverse!

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling at the praise) Who the hell are you?

ABDUL HADI PASHA
This is Admiral ABDUL HADI PASHA of
the Inevitable European Caliphate. Surrender
your ship at once or be destroyed!

HENDRYK
(protesting)
But there is nothing inevitable about the Caliphate

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(leering)
and why don’t you just keep thinking that, eh?

CHRIS breaks into the viewscreen, shoving ABDUL to one side. They shove backwards and forwards until there is an uneasy truce, with each face taking up half the screen.

CHRIS
I told you so!

HENDRK is about to say something, but KIT beats him to it..

KIT
(To ABDUL)
Lover! I missed you so!

ABDUL HADI PASHA
(shocked)
Um…what?

KIT
(To ABDUL)
Don’t you remember our times together?

CHRIS
Of course he does…

Shooting breaks out on ABDUL’s bridge.

GBW
The enemy ships are moving away.
(Pause)
Now they’ve jumped out and vanished.

CHRIS
A triumph for bigotry over common sense.

INT. – AH.COM LOUNGE – DAY .

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, CHRIS, we seem to have saved your arse again.

CHRIS
(To HENDRK)
I told you so!

HENDRYK
(angry)
Your bloody people made it come true!

CHRIS
Don’t worry, I looked into China’s history
in that world. It never happened.
(Pause)
In fact, China never existed there

The camera closes in on HENDRYK..

HENDRYK
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

CHRIS
(over him) All right, all right…

HENDRYK
…OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

DOCTOR WHAT
(over him)
Shut up!

HENDRYK keeps screaming until IRONYUPPIE slaps him and carts him off to her dungeon. I mean her cabin. Hem hem..

DOCTOR WHAT
Now that’s settled…what about the loot?

CHRIS
(carefully)
What loot?

DOCTOR WHAT
The last time we talked, you said you had
something for me if I helped you again.
I seem to have saved your butt.

KIT
I saved his butt
(eyes CHRIS)
Say, how about a night in my cabin as a reward?

CHRIS edges away..

CHRIS
Ah…as founding member of the
AH.COM BUSH LOVERS SOCIETY…

HENDRYK
(In distance)
ONLY Member!

CHRIS
I have to keep my homosexual exploits under wraps.
(To DOCTOR WHAT)
Bruno, I have the goods, the goods, and nothing but the goods.
(pulls a CD out of his pocket)
I went on a quest, chatted up many lovely ladies,
and finally hunted down the man behind this nightmare,
and then grabbed him and took the disc from him.
(To himself)
No one must know I found it in the toilet.
(To DOCTOR WHAT)
I have here the key to the greatest treasure
in the Multiverse…the Planet of Porn!

The crew stare at the CD as if it contained the secret to eternal life.

DOCTOR WHAT
(drooling)
Give that here, now!

CHRIS
Finish Snake Oil first!

DOCTOR WHAT grabs a pen and writes with frantic speed..

DOCTOR WHAT
There, done! Now, give me the CD?

CHRIS
I must warn you that there’s a curse…

DOCTOR WHAT
(grabbing CD)
Never mind that, get out of here; we have a
quest to find the PLANET OF PORN!
(Pause)
What? You’re still here?

Dramatic music plays.

INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY .

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, find me that damn world!

LEO
Humm….

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind thinking about it, just hurry up!

The camera pans around to reveal all the crew, waiting to hear the results..

LEO
Humm….the CD definitely seems to contain a location,
Bruno; it really does look like a world where there is…

He pauses.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where there is porn, Bruno, lots and lots of porn!

LEO
Quite right, Doc.

OTHNIEL
We must go there at once!

DOCTOR WHAT
I knew we’d finally get you turned around…
(Pause)
You’re going to suggest that we save them all from porn, right?

OTHNIEL nods.

DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t worry, we’ll save them all from porn by…
(OTHNIEL looks hopeful)
Transferring it all onboard this ship!
(Turns to helm.)
Landie…wait a minute, you’re not LANDSHARK!

DAVE HOWERY
(For it is he) I was the only one who bothered
to suggest something, so I guess CHRIS gave
me the greatest roles…

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine, fine, set a course for the planet of porn!
(Pause)
Oh, and Erika, would you mind
putting OTHNIEL out of the way?

The scene fades out as IRONYUPPIE drags OTHNIEL away.

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM turns and vanishes into a vortex.

MUCH LATER

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM emerges out of a vortex

INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY .

DOCTOR WHAT
(Tugging on his tunic)
Report!

DAVE HOWERY
(VERY bad Scottish accent)
The engines canna take it any more,
Captain; we’re gonna blow.

DOCTOR WHAT
(To himself)
I told you it wasn’t funny the first time.
What makes you think the hundredth time would make it so?

DAVE HOWERY
It just will, damn it!

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, for God’s sake, report!

LEO
(Portentous voice)
Bruno, B-Man…we are in orbit above the planet of porn, but…

The crew race out of the door, struggling to pass through it, finally kicked through by IRONYUPPIE. LEO tries to say something, but every time he speaks, the noise of the scum overwhelms him.

LEO
But they didn’t hear me complete my report…

Ominous music begins to play.

EXT. – THE PLANET OF PORN, EDINBURGH – DAY

The crew appear with a loud pop.

DOCTOR WHAT
Where’s my porn?

LANDSHARK
Do you ever think about anything else?

DOCTOR WHAT
By IAN, I do believe I don’t. Naughty Bruno.

They catch sight of a shop and DOCTOR WHAT leads the charge. The shop is selling Porn. Lots and lots of porn.

DOCTOR WHAT
We’ve hit the mother lode, lads…

KIT
Doc, have a look around.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around. The team is surrounded by naked men and women, none of whom look the slightest bit aroused.

DOCTOR WHAT
What in the name of…co-ed spanking nurses is going on?

LEO
(Over com) You should have let me finish, B-Man.
(Evilly)
These puny fleshlings have seen so much porn that they’re immune to it.
(Pause)
HA-HA!

DOCTOR WHAT’s face pales.

DOCTOR WHAT
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

END ACT I

ACT II

EXT. – THE PLANET OF PORN, EDINBURGH – DAY

DOCTOR WHAT is still screaming.

DOCTOR WHAT
….OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….

TORQUMADA
Let me try this…

He pulls out a small device and zaps DOCTOR WHAT with it. DOCTOR WHAT stops screaming and falls over.

DOCTOR WHAT
(groaning)
What the hell hit me?
(beat)
Get away from my wallet! Fiends!

LANDSHARK
(Maliciously)
You just found out that all the men and women
on this planet were not strangely aroused.

DOCTOR WHAT’S eyes roll back in his head, but IRONYUPPIE slaps him before he can faint, or start screaming again.

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, what the hell happened here?

LEO
I can’t help you, Bruno; I fear that
I am a little indisposed at the moment.

DOCTOR WHAT
(under breath) Damn computer
(Pause)
All right, I guess it’s up to us to find out what’s happened here.
(Glances around and sees a naked lady)
I think we’ll ask her.

The crew walk over to the lady, a blonde bombshell. Despite her nakedness, and the looks she is getting from the remainder of the crew, she doesn’t seem at all uneasy in their presence, although she eyes DOCTOR WHAT’s crotch and tries to hide a snigger. She is beautiful beyond words, with large breasts and other things I would detail, where it not for the death threats from PSYCHOMELTDOWN.

DOCTOR WHAT
Pardon me, Madam.

KILNGIRL
You have an erection!

DOCTOR WHAT
(nonplussed)
Yes…

LANDSHARK
(Quickly)
What? That little thing?

KILNGIRL
(With dignity)
It’s the biggest erection that anyone has had
here since the damn pornmaster arrived.

DOCTOR WHAT
But you don’t find it strangely arousing?

KILNGIRL
(Embarrassed) Umm, well…
(coughs)
But you are not affected?

DOCTOR WHAT
The short version of the tale is that we’re from an
alternate world and we came here to find the porn.
(Pause, speaks in false doctor’s voice)
What happened, my dear?

KILNGIRL
Oh, it was terrible. One day, Parliament passed the Porn Laws,
allowing the sale of Porn everywhere…and those who didn’t like
it were exterminated in the Porn Wars.

THANDE coughs loudly. Everyone looks at him.

KILNGIRL
Porn was everywhere and everyone watched it. They watched it
from dawn till dusk and then they found that nothing turned them
on any more. It became more and more extreme, darker and darker,
and still…none of our men could get hard. We women weren’t much
better; we couldn’t even muster the energy to lie back and think
of England, and…well, the birth rate in this place has fallen…

MATT
(Hopefully)
We all have erections and I’m sure that a former
US Marine could satisfy your cravings.

KILNGIRL
(Sadly)
The soldiers won’t fuck and they won’t fight.
(To herself)
And I don’t have any cravings.
(To DOCTOR WHAT)
Don’t you understand?
Porn killed this world!

KLINGIRL leaves. Behind her, the AH.COMMERS watch her go.

LANDSHARK
Hey, DOC, did you ever know
that your addition could be harmful?

DOCTOR WHAT
(Angry)
WE ARE GOING TO SAVE
THESE PEOPLE,
UNDERSTAND?

TORQUMADA
(doctor mode)
well, it’s clear that the cause was the porn, so we
should simply open fire on it and blow it away.

DOCTOR WHAT
(hypnotised tone)
Porn is not to blame. Porn is good.
(IRONYUPPIE slaps him)
Ouch. All right; LEO, where is the pornmaster based?

LEO
(On Com)
Where else, B-Man? Edinburgh castle

The crew look up towards the castle. It has been replaced with a vaguely phallic shape, sticking up into the sky.

DOCTOR WHAT
Of course…come on, come on…

The crew start to walk towards the castle. A montage of shots as they walk, revealing more naked men and women, other men and women dressed up in sexy outfits and still others trying desperately to arouse themselves. A phonespammer flies around, selling Viagra, but somehow it isn’t enough to make people interested in sex once again. The entire city is dull and listless, no one is drinking, fighting or even leering at the naked women.

THANDE
Stop it! Stop it now!

LANDSHARK
WTF is he on about?

IRONYUPPIE
I think he’s been drinking his own creations again…

DOCTOR WHAT glares at her…

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
This nightmare will come to an end!

IRONYUPPIE
Isn’t he cute when he tries to be firm?

LANDSHARK
(astonished)
I thought that that was what you always said to me!

IRONYUPPIE
It isn’t cute when you’re not firm.
(shakes hard)
Honestly, men. Once day, we’ll replace them all
with robo-men from the planet of the Large Men
with Massive Pleasure Appendixes.

MATT
Sexist. Why can’t it be the planet of the Large Women
with Enormous Pleasure Appendixes?

IRONYUPPIE
I think we’ve been to that planet before.
That world full of transsexuals.

LANDSHARK
See, MATT, a world for you.

IRONYUPPIE
HAH!

MATT
I. HATE. YOU. ALL.

DOCTOR WHAT
Here we are…and onwards we go,
into the belly of the beast,
rode the six hundred, onwards,
ever onwards, to the setting of the sun…

LEO
(Breaking in)
Doc, I think you’ve got your poems mixed up.

DOCTOR WHAT
Would I get something wrong?

IRONYUPPIE
Well, there was that moment when you went to bed
with that transgendered priest from universe 765676583.
There was that time when you tried to attack the Hub.
There was that time when you didn’t comment on
CHRIS’s latest master piece…

CHRIS
(off) Note subtext here.

IRONYUPPIE
(Continuing) .
There was that time when you trusted WARD.
There was that time when you tried to make love to me and
couldn’t get it up. There was that time when you were knocking
ATA up. There was that time when…

MUCH later…

IRONYUPPIE
There was that time when…

DOCTOR WHAT
All right, I’ve made a few screwy decisions in my time…

IRONYUPPIE
A few?

DOCTOR WHAT
But we have to save these people, Erica; please…

IRONYUPPIE
(graciously)
Very well, BRUNO; let us enter the castle.

INT. – EDINBURGH CASTLE – DAY

The Castle’s interior is cold and grey, a relief after spending time in the streets of the warped city. The Crew advance, weapons at the ready, though a set of corridors in which nothing can be seen, but images of a strange face that seems somehow impossible to see clearly. The crew examine the images from time to time, but none of them resolve into a face. The only sign of life is faint music from down the corridor, so naturally the crew go to investigate.

The corridor opens suddenly into a balcony, overlooking a large bedroom. They peer down, and see an astonishingly beautiful girl…ah, servicing a handsome man with an enormous pecker. The sight is so astonishing that it takes the crew a moment to realise who it is…it’s MATT!

MATT
Well…fuck me.

IRONYUPPIE
That must be the most appropriate use of those words ever.

FLOID enters from a side door.

FLOID
(To ALT-MATT) .
Come along, you impotent scrum; shoot your wad
so we can get on with the screen where she slaps
your face, dumps you, and goes off with those
damn lesbians your counterpart created!

The crew (except MATT) bursts out laughing. FLOID looks up and sees them.

FLOID
What the…you!

DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
Yes, us. Pornmaster! Once again, we clash…
first you stole the ship of a friend of mine…

FLOID
And that bastard went off and sold my porn,
after telling me that it had all been deleted.

LANDSHARK
(To himself)
So that’s how he hired those ghost writers.

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him with the ease of long practice)
And now you have stripped this world of its
capability for finding Porn arousing. You will
suffer like no man has ever suffered!

FLOID
A fate worse than death?

IRONYUPPIE
Of course not, you bastard; worse than that!

FLOID
A fate worse than a fate worse than death?
What did I ever do to you people anyway?

MATT
You didn’t let me get laid!

KIT
You made me sleep with girls!

DOCTOR WHAT’s comlink buzzes

OTHNIEL
You exposed me to naked women!
It was almost as bad as being a Mormon.

FLOID
Apart from that? What have I done to you recently?

DOCTOR WHAT
YOU are going to pay. I am going to take you back to the Hub,
where the Great and Mighty IAN will stand in judgement over you,
using his godlike powers to make you pay for what you have done!

FLOID
But you don’t understand…
(a lone violin plays ‘hearts and flowers’)
I’m not the one in charge here.

DOCTOR WHAT
(not believing him for a nanosecond)
Really?

FLOID
When I left the CTT.NET, I found myself lost in
the Multiverse, until I encountered HIM.

DOCTOR WHAT
HIM?

FLOID
But there are so much more interesting things to do.
Why not star in one of my epics? All of you, except him
(points to MATT)
could star…

IRONYUPPIE
Are you daring to suggest that I should…
put on a show for thousands of viewers?

FLOID
Of course
(Eyes her)
You would look just right tied to a bed, while your boyfriend there
(nods to LANDSHARK)
could advance on you, pretending to be attacking you and…

LANDSHARK
Hey, that sounds pretty good!

IRONYUPPIE flattens him with a punch, and then advances on FLOID.

IRONYUPPIE
If you suggest anything else along those lines,
I will rip your spine out and use it for purposes
so unspeakable that no one will speak of them.

LANDSHARK
(Dazed, on floor)
Hey, that sounds pretty good!

IRONYUPPIE
Shut up!
(To FLOID)
Now, WTF is going on here?

FLOID
The man took me and told me to produce Porn, using
this world as a base, and then give them all the Porn.
We made tons of Porn and just…gave it away.
(He starts sobbing)
We made all that lovely porn and we can’t even benefit from it!

DOCTOR WHAT
(Outraged)
A crime against humanity!

IRONYUPPIE
Gee, Doc, weren’t you talking
about punishing this guy?

DOCTOR WHAT
I can’t punish a man who’s
so obviously a victim, can I?

FLOID runs out the door. A moment later, he is followed by hundreds of nude women and a handful of nude men, fleeing for their lives.

DOCTOR WHAT
(drooling)
That’s the way to go, my friends; after them!

GBW
Weren’t we trying to catch the person responsible for all this?

DOCTOR WHAT pauses just long enough for all the women to escape.

LANDSHARK
You just had to use logic
and reason, didn’t you?

DOCTOR WHAT
No, GBW is right
(Pause)
A new personal best for him, eh?
(Pause)
Come on, we have to find the person
responsible for all this…GBW has spoken.

IRONYUPPIE
(under breath)
Now what’s gotten into him?

The crew advance down the corridor and finally come into a large room, obviously designed by some jerkass out to take over the world. There is a massive chair in the centre of the room, with its back turned so the crew cannot see who’s sitting there, gazing at the monitors that show an series of different images, half of them porn. One of the monitors is focused on the crew, clearly taken by a camera high above them…

WEAPON M
Time for some action here!

He points his BFG up at the ceiling and unleashes a blast of plasma fire into the camera.

LANDSHARK
(Angry)
You stupid…what are you again?
You’ve just told him we’re here!

IRONYUPPIE
(Whispering)
Plan, Doc?

The figure in the chair, still hidden from their view, speaks. The voice is oddly familiar, but no one can place it.

FIGURE
Do you think you can hide from me?
(Pause)
I have watched you ever since you landed on my world.
(Pause)
And you are now quaking in terror
at the mere thought of my name…

DOCTOR WHAT
MIKE COLLINS?

IRONYUPPIE
No, Doc, it’s KADYAT

HENDRYK
No, that’s WARD.

FIGURE
(Booming)
You are all wrong!

The Figure spins around, revealing a short teenage boy with spotty skin and unshaven face, his hair oiled and sinking, his belly exposed and fat enough for three brats, his glasses too large for his face, his…

DOCTOR WHAT
Who the hell are you?

FIGURE
(Booming)
I am SUPERNOOB!
(The Superman Theme Tune plays)
And I am your DOOM!

DOCTOR WHAT
(Puzzled) I beg your pardon?

SUPERNOOB
SUPERNOOB! I was banned from
the Hub by his Idiotness IAN!

DOCTOR WHAT
Doesn’t ring a bell

SUPERNOOB
I posted insults about IAN to the board!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I posted rude comments about the Jews!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I told the pakis to go back
home and stay there!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I told CHRIS that he was a stupid
bastard for sleeping with an Indian girl!

DOCTOR WHAT shakes his head

SUPERNOOB
I posted rude comments about Extinction Event!

DOCTOR WHAT
(Furious)
Why, you little…but I still haven’t heard of you.

SUPERNOOB
I said Hitler was right to exterminate the Jews!

LANDSHARK
Oh, boy, you’re playing with fire.

SUPERNOOB
I posted great plans to
exterminate all the Muslims!

IRONYUPPIE
So you’re a pathetic little
brat with an attention fixation.
(Pause)
I know how to deal with people like you
(To LANDSHARK)
Landie, go and fetch my cane.
(To SUPERNOOB)
Bend over and drop your pants.

SUPERNOOB’s face lights up and he stumbles to his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Worried)
Umm…Erika, I think he might actually enjoy that.

IRONYUPPIE
He won’t when I’ve finished with him.

GBW has been checking his Blackberry.

GBW
Umm…there seems to be some mistake…
ah, SUPERNOOB. You’re not banned.

SUPERNOOB
By the beard of Osema Bin Ladin!

GBW
You’re not in the Hall of Infamy, you’re not
listed under Kicked. You’re not even warned…

MATT
(Evilly)
If a NOOB is squawking and no
one hears him, does he make a sound?

SUPERNOOB
(Furious)
But I have a right to be banned! I demand to be banned!
(Pause)
Oh, and I have a right to be caned as well.

IRONYUPPIE
Oh, shut up. I’ve saving my wrist for
taking all of this out on Landie later
(pause)
Hell, why wait? Landie, bend over!

EVERYONE ELSE
The FORKS! The FORKS!

SUPERNOOB
And now I will destroy you all! I’ll blow you
into little pieces, and then I’ll blow them into
even smaller pieces, and then I’ll blow those
into even smaller pieces…

TORQUMADA
He’s gone mad with power!

THANDE
Oh, that’s your considered medical opinion, is it?

TORQUMADA
Do you have a better idea?

SUPERNOOB
(Annoyed)
Of course I’ve gone mad with power. Have you
ever gone mad without power? It’s boring.
No one listens to you.

IRONYUPPIE
And that line was nicked from the Simpsons.

DOCTOR WHAT steps forward.

DOCTOR WHAT
(Fatherly)
Now look here, son…you’ve done a lot of very
bad things and you’re going to be punished for them
(Pause)
and I don’t mean a simple caning this time
(Pause)
but I am prepared to be lenient.

SUPERNOOB
(Doubtfully)
Really?

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes. Surrender now, release these
people, and you won’t be killed.

SUPERNOOB bursts out laughing.

SUPERNOOB
You don’t have the stones to kill me, What!

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
Are you sure about that?

SUPERNOOB
And you can’t kill me anyway!

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
And Are you sure about that too?

He leans forward, face to face with SUPERNOOB. <

DOCTOR WHAT
My crew and I have been through a lot together. We took on and
defeated the alien space bats. We beat Admiral Honorblower. We
defeated Lesbians in single combat in their queen’s bed. We duelled
with the Fallen. We even attacked the Hub
and brought it to the verge of total defeat.
(He leans closer)
You’re a silly teenage boy who has gained equipment
he doesn’t know how to control.
Are you sure that we can’t beat you?

SUPERNOOB
I am like nothing you have ever seen before!

TORQUMADA
Actually, I’m pretty sure that most of
us went through the same stage.
(disturbing grin)
I recommend spankings, lots and lots of spankings.

SUPERNOOB
Yes, I am confident that I
can kick your asses, like this!

he hits a button on his chair and a force field shimmers into existence, knocking DOCTOR WHAT to the ground as an entire series of BFGs, LBFGs, OHMWABEGs and OBFGS appear out of nowhere, controlled by robots and targeting the AH.COMMERS. Bursts of plasma fire go everywhere as the AH.COMMERS dive for cover, before returning fire with their own weapons, sending sparks and flickering lights everywhere. SUPERNOOB laughs as MATT and WEAPON M go sprawling, before IRONYUPPIE uses her Yo-Yo to take out half the robots in a single swipe.

IRONYUPPIE
You didn’t think of that, did you?
(Pause)
And think of poor Landie…

SUPERNOOB
He’s going to suffer like no other
outside a Japanese porn flick…

And, indeed, massive robot tentacles are catching and trapping LANDSHARK in their grasp, reaching out towards his unmentionables.

HENDRKY
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(Pause)
Take me instead!

SUPERNOOB
Don’t be stupid, Mr Chinaman;
you’d actually enjoy this…

DAVE HOWERY
(For it is he) I guess
it’s time for ME to be the hero!

DAVE leaps forward with his chainsaw and slices LANDSHARK free, just before he can be put through one of the most horrifying, and yet strangly arousing, events in the Multiverse.

IRONYUPPIE
Aww…you saved him.
(Tiring of it)
Snap out of it, B-MAN!

SUPERNOOB’s gaze snaps down to DOCTOR WHAT, who has been trapped inside the field.

DOCTOR WHAT
(drooling) What?
(Pause)
I found it strangely arousing.

IRONYUPPIE
(Shouting) get him, Bruno!

DOCTOR WHAT staggers to his feet and swings a punch at SUERNOOB. It wouldn’t bother a hamster, or even a snail, but as SUPERNOOB is a nerd, the punch sends him snapping backwards against his chair, which topples over and crashes into the floor. SUPERNOOB tries to stand up, but IRONYUPPIE is on him in seconds, tying him up with her whip before kicking him in the nuts and smashing him into the wall.

LANDSHARK
God, I love that woman.

IRONYUPPIE
Silence, slave! Go fetch my…
really nasty torturing device.

GBW
Umm…there seems to be a
problem with the computers…

And indeed, the lights are flashing red and alarms are sounding.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
LEO, what the fuck is going on?

LEO
(On comm)
I can only put forward a hypotheses, Doc,
that our friend here didn’t bother to set any
security settings that would have prevented
the system from overloading and blowing up.

DOCTOR WHAT
Get us the fuck out of here!

LEO
(On comm)
No can do, Bruno; there’s too
much interference for you
to be beamed out. I suggest
that you shag ass out of there!

KIT
(Saluting smartly)
Shagging ass, sir!

DOCTOR WHAT
LEO, damn it, come up with a better idea!

LEO
(On comm)
Must I? Oh, very well…put the wristcom
near the computers and I’ll take them over.
(Short pause)
There…there we are…that’s the computers
taken over and…shut down.

The lights go back to normal.

GBW
LEO, are you sure you’re ok?

LEO
(On comm)
Bush, of course I’m fine.

DOCTOR WHAT
Fine. Now, what happened to this world?

LEO
(On comm)
It’s really very simple, Bruno; our friend there used these systems
to impose porn on the entire world, which meant that the world’s
development was warped because of porn, but now everything
should be returning to normal. I think that he was actually
admitting them to porn using strange energies so that they
couldn’t become aroused without exposure to porn of a kind
so vile that even FLOID would refuse to deal with it.

DOCTOR WHAT
(angry)
Bastard! Now, what’s going to happen now?

LEO
(On comm)
Judging from my readings,
the energies are gone, so people
are returning to their normal habits and…
hey, there’s an orgy going on in
the park!

With an audible set of whooshes, most of the crew vanish back out of the castle.

MATT
Well, this is just great, isn’t it! Why do
I have to be the one left holding the nerd?

DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring him)
LEO, now that the energies are gone, teleport MATT and
our captive up to the ship and keep an eye on them until
we can ship him to the Hub and dump him in COLLIN’S cell.
(Pause)
And, as for me, I wonder if that hot blonde is still around…

DOCTOR WHAT races out of the castle

MATT
WANKER!

EXT. – THE PLANET OF PORN, EDINBURGH – DAY

The city is in the middle of a massive party, with loads of sex, drugs and rock and roll. DOCTOR WHAT is talking to KILNGIRL.

KILNGIRL
You saved us all!

DOCTOR WHAT
Yes, we did, and, for once, my crew
is going to get what we deserve…

He reaches out for her and she comes willingly towards him, but he glances over towards the edge of the party and sees an advancing army about to burn him and the remainder of his crew…for daring to disturb their peace and quiet. Or, more likely, they’re going to burn the crew for SUPERNOOB’s crimes.

LEO
(On comm)
Doc, the planetary defence networks are about to open fire on us.

DOCTOR WHAT jumps to his feet.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, my dear, it seems I have to go. But I will come back.

KILNGIRL
Don’t hurry on my account.

DOCTOR WHAT
Why is it we’re always chased off worlds
when we try to have sex with the locals?
(shakes head)

DOCTOR WHAT waves and vanishes in a loud pop.

EXT. – DEEP SPACE – NIGHT

The AH.COM opens a vortex and escapes the planet of porn.

END ACT II

TAG

INT. – CHRIS’S ROOM – NIGHT

PSYCHOMELTDOWN storms in, his face contorted with rage.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
That was a bloody awful episode!

CHRIS
(Annoyed)
You get what you pay for.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
I didn’t pay you anything!

CHRIS
My point exactly!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
You made a gibbering idiot out of LANDSHARK!
You made IRONYUPPIE into a dominix! You made
KILNGIRL into a blonde bombshell…

CHRIS
She’s not complaining!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(angry)
And you let DAVE HOWERY be the hero!

CHRIS
But all he did was save Landie from a fate worse than
a fate worse than a fate worse than death…
(Realises)
DOH!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(Angry)
Well, owing to a tiff with the writer chimps,
I find myself lacking an episode, so
I guess I’ll have to post yours, but.
(Produces whip)
You’re going to suffer for this.

He chases CHRIS off with a whip. DOCTOR WHAT enters the room.

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, I found it strangely arousing.

The scene fades out over CHRIS’s screams.

 

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS