TEASER
INT- STUDIO- DAY
The camera opens on a scene with PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DR. WHAT, THANDE, and DAVE HOWERY all sitting in chairs and looking guilty and ashamed. IAN is standing behind them, red glow, sunglasses, and all.
IAN
Welcome to another episode of AH.COM: The Series.
It has come to my attention that several of the so called
‘Writer Chimps’ have been taking advantage of their job
to make fun of a certain individual on the show. I speak,
of course, of LANDSHARK. This poor character has been
maligned from the start by these writers… especially this one.
(smacks DAVE HOWERY on the back of the head)
Since a new season of the Series is beginning, I think this
is a good time to rectify this before it gets too out of hand.
From now on, LANDSHARK shall change from a poorly
written generic ‘angry Brit’ to a much more cultured and
sophisticated gentleman.
MICHAEL walks into the scene.
MICHAEL
Hey, I’m a Writer Chimp too!
IAN
(long pause)
Who are you?
MICHAEL walks off, dejected.
IAN
For the new season, LANDSHARK will be the epitome of grace
and culture, appearing with a pipe in one hand and a 17th century
biographical book in the other. He shall be the master of dry
sophisticated wit, instead of the butt of so many crude American
style jokes that our supposedly distinguished EIC…
(smacks PSYCHOMELTDOWN on the back of the head)
…seems to prefer. I think all of you will find this to be a
vast improvement in the Series. Good day.
IAN disappears with a pop. The Writer Chimps look at each other.
DAVE HOWERY
Dang, he seems pissed. What are we going to do?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
You mean, what are you going to do…
you’re writing this episode.
The other Writer Chimps all walk off camera, leaving DAVE HOWERY by himself. He pulls out a bunch of loose paper and a pen, and thinks for a moment.
DAVE HOWERY
Cultured and sophisticated… I can do that. Hmmm….
INT- AH.COM SHIP- MED BAY- DAY
TORQUMADA is seen in here, working on something. LANDSHARK suddenly comes in, looking very uncomfortable, and holding onto his butt. He massively breaks wind.
LANDSHARK
TORQ, you gotta (fart) help me!
I’ve come down with (fart) a case
of galloping (fart) flatulence!
TORQUMADA
How the hell did you contract that?!
LANDSHARK
I think it was (fart) on that Peshawar Lancers
(fart) world, when IRONYUPPIE (fart)
and I visited that (fart) whorehouse in (fart) Calcutta.
TORQUMADA
How many times do I have to tell you guys, come to me
right after you get back from whoring in primitive timelines.
Well, as it happens, there is a drug that would get rid of that
in an instant. Unfortunately, we don’t have any.
So, the best I can do is…
He rummages around in a drawer and finally pulls out a big cork.
TORQUMADA
At this point, all I can do is stick this in your anus
and wait for the disease to pass.
LANDSHARK
Are you (fart) kidding me? Oh, all right, (fart)
if that’s all you can do. But, (fart) do you have a (fart)
bigger one?
TORQUMADA pulls out a bigger cork.
TORQUMADA
How’s this?
LANDSHARK
That’s big (fart) enough, but do you (fart)
have one that’s (fart) longer?
TORQUMADA pulls out a cork that is wide and nearly 8 inches long.
TORQUMADA
Will this do?
LANDSHARK
That’s long (fart) enough, but do you (fart)
have one that’s (fart) curves to the left?
TORQUMADA pulls out a wide, long cork that makes a right angle half way up its length..
TORQUMADA
Will this do?
LANDSHARK
Oh yeah! Ram it up there!
TORQUMADA
Okay, let me find my mallet, and…
INT- STUDIO- DAY
DAVE HOWERY is pacing and writing feverishly, when IAN suddenly reappears out of thin air, a very wrathful look on his face. DAVE HOWERY looks up at him in horror, screams “Oh God!”, tosses his papers in the air, and runs off camera.
IAN
No… God would be merciful.
The red glow behind his sunglasses flares for a moment. Off camera, we hear a scream and a horrible sizzling sound. IAN looks pleased with himself for a moment, and then catches one of the falling papers. He reads it, and grins to himself.
IAN
Hee hee! Galloping flatulence… that is kind of funny.
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“KUNG FU BOB VS. THE CLONE MASTER”
Written By : DAVE HOWERY
ACT I
EXT- SPACE
The camera pans over a wide shot of the Earth from space, showing the area around Australia. As the shot moves away from Earth, we see a wormhole open up; the AH.COM emerges from it and settles into orbit.
INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY
DR. WHAT swivels around in his chair and looks at the view screen.
DR. WHAT
So, LEO, anything particularly interesting about this timeline?
LEO CAESIUS
I’ve never seen anything quite like this world. First of all,
the population is very low, less than a million people total.
Humanity is restricted to a handful of population centers
around the world. There are only a few on each continent,
and only one in all of Australia. Each group seems to be
centered around a fortified mansion; these places are full
of advanced technology, everything from fusion power
plants to supercomputers. But only a handful of people
live in them. All around these castles, there are thousands
of people living in a Neolithic culture… they have no plastic,
no machinery… I don’t think they even have any metal!
They seem to exist on farms scratched out with wooden
and stone tools.
DR. WHAT
That is strange. Did this place get hit
with a nuclear war or something?
LEO CAESIUS
No, I’m not detecting any unusual radiation.
There are the remains of cities scattered
around the planet, but they seem to have
been abandoned fairly recently. Most of
them look like they have been burned…
looks like rioting took a lot of them down.
DR. WHAT
Hmmm… it’d be nice to find out just what
happened to this place, but we really don’t
need anything from them. I’d rather not go
down and mess around in some post-
apocalyptic feudal society. We all know
how that ends.
LEO CAESIUS
Do my audio recievers deceiving me?
Is our captain actually displaying some
tact and discretion?
DR. WHAT
Hardy har har. Someday, LEO, I’m going
to track down whoever programmed you
and kick him in the nuts for giving you that
sense of warped humor.
The repartee is interrupted by TORQUMADA on the intercom.
TORQUMADA
DR. WHAT! Come to the
Med Bay immediately please.
We have a medical emergency!
DR. WHAT looks at the rest of the crew for a moment, and then hops out of his chair and runs out of the room.
INT- AH.COM SHIP- MED BAY- DAY
DR. WHAT is seen running into the room. He stops for breath and looks around. TORQUMADA is leaning over LUAKEL, who is lying on a bed, motionless, with eyes rolled back in his head. He has a pair of large corks stuffed into his ears.
DR. WHAT
What’s the emergency, TORQ?
TORQUMADA
Something’s wrong with LUAKEL.
DR .WHAT
LUAKEL?! Aw, geez, TORQ, I
thought you said it was important!
TORQUMADA
It is important!
He’s dying!
And it’s my fault!
DR.WHAT
Why’s that?
TORQUMADA
Back when I put his brain in the body
of this LUAKEL slaver that we ran
across, I did it in kind of a hurry. Well,
I didn’t catch something in the operation.
His cerebral brain fluid is leaking out
of his cranium. His brain is suffering,
and I need to go back in and fix it.
DR. WHAT
Leaking brain fluid? Well that explains
the corks in the ears. The poor kid.
Well, I give you the okay to go ahead
and do it.
TORQUMADA
No, DOC, you don’t understand.
I can’t fix him until I get a big batch
of SynCereThol on hand.
DR. WHAT
Wuzzat?
TORQUMADA
It’s a synthetic cerebral fluid used in
cloning and brain transplant surgeries.
I used all I had when I transferred
LUAKEL’S brain into this body, and
I don’t have any more.
DR. WHAT
Can we buy some at the Hub?
TORQUMADA
Probably… but it’s really expensive.
I don’t think we have enough cash
on hand to buy enough.
DR. WHAT
Damn it, I told MICHAEL and MATT
that they shouldn’t spend all our
money at that strip club three timelines
back. Who cares if the women there
had three boobs? Hmmm… could
THANDE make this stuff up for you?
TORQUMADA
(scoffing)
THADE??? He couldn’t mix kool-aid, let alone this!
He doesn’t have all the chemicals he needs on hand,
and the stuff takes weeks to fabricate.
DR. WHAT
Hmmm… I wonder if the planet here has
any of the stuff. LEO, you listening in?
LEO CAESIUS
I’m always listening, Doc.
(beat)
Always…
I’ll start scanning for SynCereThol right away.
DR. WHAT
Good. Well, TORQ, we’ll do our best to find some.
Even if it is just for LUAKEL. LEO, I’m heading up to the
Control Room. Tell me what you find when I get there.
DR. WHAT walks out of the Med Bay, shaking his head sadly.
INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY
The crew is seen loafing in here, napping, reading comic books, and generally goofing off. The door starts to open, and all the crew instantly springs to life, reading dials and pushing buttons. DR. WHAT walks into the room, looks around for a moment, and then goes over to sit down in his chair.
DR. WHAT
LEO, any luck?
LEO CAESIUS
Yes, I found quite a bit of it, right away.
There are several gallons of SynCereThol
in every one of those castles. A particularly
large amount is in that one down there
in Australia.
DR .WHAT
Great! Hmm… wonder what those
people would want in exchange for it?
We’re going to have to go down and
talk to them, offer them something.
MICHAEL
Why do you need SynCereThol, DOC?
DR. WHAT
TORQUMADA needs a bunch
of it for an emergency operation.
MICHAEL
Operation?! For who?!
It’s not LANDSHARK, is it?!
LANDSHARK (off camera)
Nonsense, chaps, I’m right
here, and I’m perfectly fit.
The camera pans over to LANDSHARK, sitting at his station next to IRONYUPPIE. He is elegantly tailored and manicured, with perfectly sculpted hair. He holds a meerschaum pipe in one hand and a book in the other. Everyone looks at him and sighs with relief.
IRONYUPPIE
(hugs Landshark)
Thank goodness!
I couldn’t bear to lose you!
LANDSHARK
Now now, my sweet, I’m quite all right. But,
captain, who is it who needs the operation?
DR. WHAT
It’s LUAKEL. He needs an
emergency brain operation soon.
But TORQUMADA needs a lot
of SynCereThol to do it. So…
down to the planet we go.
DR. WHAT swivels around in his chair, and gazes across the room at the crew.
DR. WHAT
Since that Australian castle has so
much of the stuff, we’ll go there to get it.
This is a nice peaceful trade mission,
so I’m going to take HENDRYK, KIT,
and THANDE with me. And LANDSHARK,
of course.
The camera switches to LANDSHARK, who puffs on his pipe, and nods in agreement.
LANDSHARK
And of course, I shall take
my faithful gun bearer with me.
FLOCCULENCIO
Damn it, how many times do I have to tell you,
I’m not your… oh all right, I’ll go along.
MATT
Geez, all this effort to save LUAKEL?
Why are you bothering?
LANDSHARK
Now, MATT, that is no way to talk.
We are a team, and we must all
pull together. If it was your life on
the line, I’m sure you’d want us
to do the same for you.
And we would.
MATT nods and looks ashamed of himself.
DR .WHAT
Okay, team, get some gear together
and meet me in the teleportation room
in 20 minutes. Every minute is vital here.
Let’s move.
The team members all stand and hurry out of the room.
INT- AH.COM TELEPORTATION ROOM- DAY
G BONE is seen in here punching some numbers into the keypad on his station. As he finishes, DR. WHAT and his team walk into the room.
DR. WHAT
Looks like we’re ready to go.
LEO, just where are we going?
LEO CAESIUS
The castle is located just northeast of
the ruins of Canberra, near Lake George.
It is one of the better places in Australia
for the primitive farming they practice.
I have given the coordinates to G BONE.
Everything is ready.
DR. WHAT and the team step onto the teleportation platform.
DR. WHAT
Okay, G BONE, fire it up.
G BONE pushes the lever on his station all the way up. The team vanishes with a loud pop. G BONE then kicks back in his chair and pulls out a Supergirl comic book.
LEO CAESIUS
What are you doing?
G BONE
Relaxing for a while. The captain’s
off the ship, he’ll never know.
LEO CAESIUS
Yes, but LANDSHARK will.
You know how he disapproves
of slacking like this. You don’t
want to disappoint him, do you?
G BONE
(sighs)
No, I don’t.
He goes back to work.
EXT- OUTSIDE THE CASTLE- DAY
The camera pans over a wide view of the area around the castle. We see fields with irrigation ditches, and people moving around in them, weeding and watering. The people are dressed in crude woolen garments, and most of them look unhappy. The camera pans over to the castle, a large rambling stone structure with a moat around it. A road leads from it through the fields. DR. WHAT, KIT, HENDRYK, LANDSHARK, and FLOCCULENCIO appear on the road with a loud pop. They look around in curiosity at the people in the fields.
HENDRYK
My. These people are just as
primitive as LEO said they were.
Look, they’re using tools made
from wood and stone!
Not a bit of metal around here.
The camera switches to a view of the people, who are looking back at the team in surprise. They stand up from their work, and indeed, are holding primitive stone age tools. The team members look down at their own clothing and gear.
DR. WHAT
Boy, do we ever look out of place.
Let’s head up to the castle.
The team walks up the road, drawing stares from the natives all the way. As they get closer, they see a pair of guards standing at the front of the drawbridge across the moat. These are dressed in modern clothing and carry pistols on their belts. They are looking at the team in surprise… and anger too. The team walks up to them and stops.
DR. WHAT
Hello. We are representatives from the ship AH.COM.
We are here on a peaceful trading mission.
Can we see your leader?
The guards look at each other in puzzlement.
GUARD #1
You… want to talk to Master Rupert?
DR. WHAT
Yes. We wish to buy something he has.
The two guards look at each other, and then grin nastily.
GUARD #2
As you wish. Follow us.
They turn and walk along the drawbridge towards the manor. The team members all look at each other uneasily.
HENDRYK
I don’t like the looks of this. ‘Master Rupert’
seems to have a rather nasty reputation here.
LANDSHARK
Quite, quite, yes indeed.
Gun bearer! Have my
express rifle ready!
The camera switches to FLOCCULENCIO, who is wearing a 19th Century Indian manservant’s outfit, complete with turban. He looks rather peeved.
FLOCCULENCIO
I keep telling you, I don’t have
your bloody express rifle!
This was supposed to be a
peaceful trade mission,
so DOC said no guns.
KIT
Why do you dress up like that and put up with all this?
FLOCCULENCIO
I can’t say. It’s just a sort of compulsion.
Every time I start to tell him to bugger off,
I end up agreeing.
DR. WHAT
Damn. This does look bad. What do
you think guys… do we risk it?
LANDSHARK
We must. If there is even a small chance
to save LUAKEL, we must take the risk.
The others nod at that, and they follow the guards out onto the drawbridge. The guards reach the main gate and bang on it with the butts of their guns. A small peephole opens and after an exchange of words, the gate is pulled open from the inside. The guards, followed by the team, walk into the manor house. They pass into a large courtyard; the camera pans around, showing a luxurious garden and a fountain. The guards lead the team forward to another steel door, this one leading into the main hall of the manor. After another brief exchange of words, this door also opens, and the team moves inside.
INT- MANOR HALL- DAY
The camera pans around the room, showing us a beautifully decorated throne room. It looks much like a medieval hall, except that it is lit by electric lights and there are people moving around who are carrying modern pistols. A handful of servant women are seen; all are extraordinarily beautiful, but they seem relegated to such tasks as cleaning and serving drinks. The team is seen entering; they look around in wonder. The camera switches to the far side of the room. A tall throne is near the wall there. The man sitting on it is youthful and arrogant looking. He is the local version of RUPERT MURDOCH, but he looks as if he is only in his 20’s. One of the guards who led the team inside walks over to him, bows briefly, and then goes over and whispers into RUPERT’S ear. RUPERT listens, and then sits up straight, a somewhat angry look on his face.
RUPERT
Strangers, you dare much in coming here and
passing among my people as richly dressed as
you are. But approach the throne.
The team members look down at their faded jeans and shirts not tucked in, and then shrug at each other. They walk forward, up to the foot of the throne, and bow politely.
DR. WHAT
Master RUPERT, we seek to buy…
RUPERT
Silence.
DR. WHAT immediately clams up, and RUPERT looks over all of them, with a distasteful expression.
RUPERT
Whoever you serve, your master
has transgressed the proper rules
of behavior by sending you like this.
Tell me, which master is yours?
DR .WHAT
Uh… we serve no master on this world. You see,
we come from… well, it’s hard to explain. Have
you ever heard the theory of points of departure
in history, and multiple planes of existence that result from…
RUPERT
Alternate realities. We are familiar with the concept.
But I never heard of anyone being able to move from
timeline to timeline. And you claim to have done so?
DR .WHAT
Yes, in a ship designed for that purpose.
We are explorers, you might say,
of the alternate realities.
RUPERT
Interesting. And do you serve some lord or
government in one of those timelines?
DR. WHAT
No, we are free agents.
FLOCCULENCIO
(muttering)
Because no one will have us…
RUPERT
And with the whole of existence in
your reach, why are you here?
DR. WHAT
Our scans showed us that you
have a large quantity of SynCereThol
available here. We would like to
purchase three gallons of it.
RUPERT
No.
DR. WHAT
(surprised)
But… Master RUPERT, a boy’s life is at stake here.
We can pay you with anything that you find valuable…
metals, chemicals, finished goods.
RUPERT
You have nothing I need.
DR .WHAT
But, sir! One of my crewmen is dying needlessly!
Why will you not agree to an exchange so we can save him?
RUPERT
The SynCereThol is mine.
These people are mine.
Everything here is mine.
(pause)
And because you come here and freely admit that
you serve no master, you are now mine.
At these ominous words, the team members look around, and see that several people with guns have made an appearance. Some look like guards, others look like technicians, and some look like police. There are also four men who are dressed in black martial arts robes; these have no guns, but carry a variety of martial arts weapons. All have surrounded the team.
DR. WHAT
You’re making a mistake here. Our ship can blow this
place into smithereens in no time.
RUPERT merely smiles and then motions to one of the techs. This man takes out a remote control and pushes a button on it.
INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY
The crew is seen in here manning their stations and going about their tasks. GREY WOLF is sitting in the captain’s chair and looking at several reports on the view screen.
LEO CAESIUS
Uh, guys, something’s wrong.
An electronic scrambling field
just kicked into place around
the Australian castle. I can’t scan
into it. The team is in there, and
we won’t be able to teleport them out.
GREY WOLF
Bugger! Looks like DR. WHAT blew the negotiations.
He swivels around and looks at the crew.
GREY WOLF
Hopefully the situation will resolve
itself somehow, but in case it doesn’t…
MATT, put a rescue team together
and prepare to move down to the surface.
MATT
To rescue the captain and KIT, and all
that just to save LUAKEL? Why bother?
GREY WOLF
Have you forgotten that LANDSHARK is down there too?
MATT
Oh Jesus! I’ll get right on it!
MATT hops out of his chair and runs out of the room, a deeply worried look on his face.
INT- MANOR HALL- DAY
The team members are looking around anxiously as RUPERT’S henchmen close in on them. From his throne, RUPERT smiles arrogantly.
RUPERT
Did you think we were so primitive and
helpless here? Your ship will not be able
to fire on us. You broke one of our most
basic laws here, outlanders. If you are
not Masters, then you must belong to a Master.
Your lives and positions in whatever
world you come from are now meaningless.
You are mine.
DR. WHAT looks first outraged, then scared, and then angry. He pulls a communicator out of his pocket and attempts to speak into it, but one of the black clad martial artists moves blindingly fast. He clouts DR. WHAT on the head and snatches the communicator out of his hand. He then hands it to RUPERT, who looks at it a moment. He then turns it on and speaks into it.
INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- DAY
LEO CAESIUS
GREY, we are receiving a communication from the surface.
It’s from DR. WHAT’S comm unit, but it’s not his voice.
I’m putting it on speakers.
The ceiling mounted speakers crackle into life.
RUPERT (on speakers)
To the ship in orbit… this is Master RUPERT.
Your crew members are now my servants.
Leave this world immediately. Do not attempt
to rescue them, or their fate shall be yours.
GREY WOLF starts to reply, but the communication is suddenly cut off. A look of fury goes across his face.
GREY WOLF
That… damn… arrogant… wanker! Who the bloody hell
does he think he is, talking to us like that?!
He pushes a comm button on the arm of the chair.
GREY WOLF
MATT, looks like we’re going to have to go with the rescue plan.
Let’s wait for night, and then teleport your team to the surface.
Load up with everything you can carry… this is going to be a tough one.
INT- CASTLE DUNGEON- DAY
The camera shows a long shot down a dimly lit corridor. Barred prison cells are seen along both sides, with doors and huge locks. The team members walk into the camera view, being forced along by several guards with guns and one of the black clad martial artists. The group stops in front of one of the cells, and a guard unlocks it. He gives the key to the martial artist, and then the guards all leave. The martial artist motions for the team to go into the cell.
The team members all look at each other a moment, and then all of them jump the martial artist. The camera shows a confused and blurry long shot of flying fists and feet, and bodies being tossed around.
The camera switches to a shot inside the cell. The team members are seen lying on the floor there, welts and bruises all around. They look up and see the martial artist without a scratch. He sneers down at them, shuts the cell door, locks it, and walks away.
DR. WHAT
Son of a BITCH! That bastard moves faster than
GREY WOLF in a bar giving out free booze.
FLOCCULENCIO
Bloody hell! My arm feels like it
was twisted halfway out of the socket!
KIT
My face! My oh so pretty face! He put bruises on it!
Oh, that’ll take ages to recover!
HENDRYK
Well, once again, here we are in a prison with
no weapons and hoping the crew will rescue us.
DR. WHAT
Of course they’ll rescue us… LANDSHARK is here.
That’s why I bring him along… if anything goes wrong,
the rest of the crew is bound to come running.
Everyone looks at LANDSHARK, who seems to be unruffled from the whole experience. He’s calmly puffing on his meerschaum pipe and glancing through a book on 19th century explorers.
EXT- OUTSIDE CASTLE- NIGHT
The camera pans around the moonlit empty fields. None of the peasants are to be seen. The camera stops on a view of the castle, lit up with electric lights. A team from the AH.COM pop into view; MATT, DMA, IRONYUPPIE, and MICHAEL. All are wearing body armor and carrying a massive amount of weaponry; BFGs, bolters, grenades, LAWs, knives, and pistols. They look around cautiously.
DMA
The scans LEO managed to get of
the place before that scrambling
field popped up showed that the
main gate is the only way into the
castle. It’s going to be tough
busting into there right in plain sight.
MATT
Hey, when you have rocket launchers,
you can make your own door.
Let’s move around to the side,
cross the moat, and blast our
way in.
The rest of the team nods at that, and then all move off to the left. They walk slowly along an irrigation ditch, being careful to stay out of the lighted areas around the castle. As they move along, the camera shifts to a view of the water in the ditch… a reed is seen poking up out of the water. It suddenly twitches around and then disappears. A head is seen rising out of the water, and the man stands up… it is one of the black clad martial artists. Moving with absolute silence, he moves out of the ditch and behind the party. The camera switches back to the party. MATT’S communicator suddenly crackles into life, and LEO CAESIUS is heard speaking out of it.
LEO CAESIUS
Heads up, team! The
enemy is all around you!
The team members whirl in all directions, guns pointing. MATT is startled to see the man behind the team, but suddenly more of the black clad martial artists burst out of hiding in the mud and water. The team is suddenly surrounded by a dozen of them, all carrying various nunchucks, staves, and martial art weapons.
MATT
Get ‘em!
MATT starts to point his BFG, but the man snatches it out of his hands. He pauses to gather in a deep breath, and then with a shout, he twists his hands and breaks the BFG in half. MATT goggles at the sight, and then tries to draw his pistol, but the martial artist kicks it out of his hand. MATT then tries to pull out his grenades, LAW, and knife, but the man kicks each out of his hands. Finally, MATT futilely pats his hands over his belt.
MATT
Holy shit, I’m out of weapons!
He looks around briefly to see that the other team members are having similar problems. IRONYUPPIE’S weapons are scattered on the ground around her, but she is managing to hold her own with bare hands, but a pair of martial artists are slowly bringing her down with nunchuks. DMA lies pinned on the ground, one of the martial artists having his wrist in a twisted lock hold. MICHAEL is lying in the mud, apparently hurt. MATT turns back to his own attacker, who suddenly moves very fast. His open hand smashes the face plate off of MATT’S helmet. A kick to the chest sends MATT flying into the irrigation ditch. He starts to rise, but the man leaps onto him with a shout. The man’s foot shoves MATT’S head below the water. MATT’S arms are seen flailing around for a moment, and then trying to get a grip on the man’s leg, but he seems unable to shift him. After a moment, MATT’S arms go limp, and fall back into the water. The martial artist looks around to see that the rest of the team has been captured. IRONYUPPIE has been beaten into unconsciousness with nunchuks, DMA has his hands tied behind his back, and MICHAEL is still hurt. The martial artists hustle the captives down the road towards the castle. The camera pans back to the irrigation ditch, where MATT can be seen floating in the water, face down. A strong looking hand reaches from off camera, grabs MATT’S arm, and pulls him quickly out of the scene.
INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT
GREY WOLF is seen in the captain’s chair, looking rather pale.
GREY WOLF
So… all of them have been captured?
LEO CAESIUS
Apparently. IRONYUPPIE, MICHAEL, and DMA were
taken into the scrambling field around the castle before
G BONE could lock onto them. However… MATT is
still outside of it. He is being taken away from the castle
by one of the peasants, I think. His life signs are extremely low.
Shall I have G BONE teleport him up here?
GREY WOLF
Hmm… no. Not unless the peasants look like they intend to hurt him.
It looks to me as if they are helping him… otherwise, why bother
dragging him off? Keep a close eye on him, though.
Let’s see where this all leads.
INT- MED BAY- NIGHT
TORQUMADA is seen pacing nervously in front of LUAKEL’S bed. He stops to look at a digital readout on a monitor over the bed. The various bars showing LUAKEL’S vital signs are slowly dropping.
INT- MANOR HALL- NIGHT
The camera shows the martial artists bringing the captives into the throne room. IRONYUPPIE is conscious and looking extremely pissed off, but her hands are bound and her feet are in restraints that force her to take short steps. DMA is similarly bound, and MICHAEL is still unconscious. The prisoners are paraded up to the throne, and RUPERT looks down on them in semi-amusement.
RUPERT
So… the people on your ship did
not listen to me. Now, they will pay for it.
He gets off the throne and steps down to look over the prisoners, first at IRONYUPPIE.
RUPERT
This one has spirit, and
could breed many strong workers.
IRONYUPPIE snarls at him and tries to move forward, but the guards keep her back. RUPERT next looks at DMA, shakes his head, and then looks at MICHAEL.
RUPERT
This one would scarcely be worth the effort.
(to DMA)
Unfortunately for you, an object lesson is needed.
Your ship ignored my demands. Tomorrow night, outlander,
you will be executed. Your people need to learn…
everything here is mine.
END ACT I
ACT II
INT- SOCIETY HEADQUARTERS- NIGHT
The camera pans around a small dark room, light only by a pair of torches. The room is empty except for some mats on the floor, and a single rough cot. MATT is lying on the cot, sleeping soundly. A figure off camera is heard entering the room, and a shadow falls across MATT’S face. He stirs and opens his eyes. He stares blankly for a moment, and then gasps and sits up, looking wildly around.
The camera switches to his POV. A young and very pretty Asian woman is looking down at him with interest. She wears a white martial art outfit with a black belt. She is slim but strong looking. She smiles at MATT.
WOMAN
Rest, stranger. You’ve been through
a lot and you need to recover
your strength. You nearly drowned.
Actually, you had drowned,
but we were able to revive you.
She pauses, and runs a finger over the power armor on his chest.
WOMAN
How do you come to have
so much forbidden material?
So much metal and plastic…
MATT
Uh… it’s a long story. Who are you?
WOMAN
You can call me SHADOW LOTUS.
MATT
That’s pretty… but I
can’t imagine your
parents named you that.
SHADOW LOTUS
(shrugs)
I have another name, but it is my slave name.
I do not use it. SHADOW LOTUS is my Society name…
my real name.
MATT
Uh… Society? What society?
Before she can answer, the door opens, and a man steps into the room. He is also Asian and also strong looking. He wears a white martial art suit and is carrying a bag made out of hide. He looks down at MATT in frank curiosity.
MAN
Welcome to the Society of Thanatos, stranger.
MATT
The what of who?
MAN
I’ll explain later. Now… who are you?
You look like no one I have ever seen.
And you have so much forbidden material…
MATT
I’m MATT, Weapons Specialist
on the MES AH.COM.
The two Asians look at each other blankly a moment.
MAN
Okay, you can explain that one later.
Now… why are you here?
MATT
Well, several of our crew came
here to bargain with the leader
in the castle for a chemical we
need… damn, I almost forgot!
LUAKEL! Shit! Anyway… that
idiot lord took them captive.
I was trying to rescue them when
those black clad ninjas took out
the whole team.
MAN
Ah, stranger, that was a mistake.
You see, in this world, there are
only Masters and serfs. You can-
not bargain with a Master, because
he thinks he owns everyone and
everything in his domain. Only a
Master can bargain with another
Master.
MATT
Masters. Serfs. How did this
world get so fucked up?
But wait… first, who are you?
And what is this Society?
MAN
I can answer all that.
But my name… call me
RISING DREAM.
MATT
Uh huh. And your slave name?
RISING DREAM
It is unimportant,
but it is AOZHOUHUAREN.
MATT
I’se a whorin’?!
RISING DREAM
No, AOZHOUHUAREN.
MATT
Oz how heron?
RISING DREAM
No, it’s simple…
AOZHOUHUAREN.
MATT
(long pause)
I’m just going to call you BOB.
RISING DREAM/AOZHOUHUAREN/ HEREAFTER KNOWN AS BOB
(shrugs)
It is irrelevant. My true name is RISING DREAM.
Now… to answer your questions…
He and SHADOW LOTUS take a moment to sit cross legged on the floor.
BOB
Most of what we know of our history is word of mouth these days.
Once, we had a culture of technology and industry. Then, the oil ran out.
Nations rioted and warred over what little remained. Many died.
A genetically engineered virus unleashed by some fool killed much
of the world’s population. A handful of places worked to develop
nuclear fission, and finally, one succeeded. At the same time, other
research places perfected cloning, and yet others brought the state
of computer engineering to a high degree. At this time, a handful
of the wealthy on each continent seized power and the means of
industry. They set up fortified manors with fission power plants,
cloning banks, and massive computer power. These wealthy men
then set themselves up as the Clonemasters, or just Masters. They
effectively live forever, by using computers to transfer their brain
patterns into new young bodies every time they get old or injured.
They slowly forced all others into servant status. Those who live
inside the manor houses are either trained technicians or guards,
positions of wealth and honor in the Clonemaster household. These
people also scour the population for the most beautiful of women,
who are taken into the castles to be servants. Everyone else, everyone
who lives outside the walls, are serfs, peasants, slaves. We have no
privileges, no protection, no recourse to law. The Masters eventually
forbade us to have such things as metal or plastic, or any means of
technology. They force us to live in squalid misery, growing the food they eat.
MATT
Cloning… that explains the
gallons of SynCereThol the
place has. But go on… tell
me about this Society of yours.
BOB
The Society of Thanatos. This is the only means we have to strike back.
Denied weapons and even metal, groups of martial artists banded together
to form resistance groups. We have perfected the martial arts to the highest
level ever known to man. We are denied weapons, but we need none. Our
bodies are the only weapon we need. We call ourselves Terminators, and
our goal is elimination of the Masters. On other continents, our groups have
taken out several of the Clonemasters, but it is always a difficult task. Here,
we watch, we wait, we look for an opportunity. Someday, we will assault
the manor house of Master RUPERT, kill him and all his clones, and
destroy his equipment. The Clonemasters shall never rise again.
MATT
Now, that’s a goal I can agree with. Hmmm…
I think I can help you. But… I wonder if the
guards left any of our gear behind when they
took the team away.
BOB takes the bag off his belt and spills it out on the floor.
BOB
The Jellies took most
of your gear, but they
missed a few things
in the mud.
MATT
Okay… uh… Jellies?
BOB
A nickname. When the Society took out a few of the Clonemasters,
they began to gather their own martial artists to help defend them.
They are the men in the black martial arts outfits who attacked your team.
They are skilled, but to a lesser degree than any of us. They stoop
to using actual weapons… a true master needs none. The serfs called
them ‘spineless jellies’… but not to their faces. Eventually, it got
shortened to just Jellies.
(grins)
If you ever want to make one of them very angry,
call them a Jelly to their face.
MATT is pawing through the items on the table; a couple of grenades, some clips for guns which aren’t there, and a communicator. MATT grabs the last item with a smile.
MATT
Yes! Now, I can contact the ship, come up with a plan…
BOB
Ship? Perhaps it is time you told us where you come from.
MATT
(sighs)
That’s going to take a little time…
INT- AH.COM CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT
GREY WOLF is still sitting in the captain’s chair, looking very tired and badly in need of a drink, when the ceiling speakers crackle into life.
MATT (on speakers)
Hey, guys, this is MATT. Anyone there?
GREY WOLF
I’m here. It’s good to hear from you?
What’s happening down there?
MATT
Well, the rest of the team was captured, but I managed
to make contact with a local resistance group. I got a plan,
but I need to get some stuff. Connect me to G BONE,
so he can teleport what I need.
GREY WOLF
Will do. You need anyone to come down and help you?
MATT
Nope. Trust me, these guys are… really good.
INT- SOCIETY HEADQUARTERS- NIGHT
MATT is seen talking on the communicator.
MATT
Okay, G BONE, send that stuff down to my location
as soon as you get it all together. What’s that? No,
I don’t know if LANDSHARK is okay. MATT out.
He turns off the communicator, and turns to BOB.
MATT
Okay, all I need is to get this gear, and we have a plan.
Wait for tomorrow night and…
He stops as two more Terminators walk into the room. One is the local version of BLACKMAGE, and the other is…
MATT
Geez! MICHAEL!
MICHAEL
Eh… wot? That’s my slave name, mate.
My true name is GOLDEN SONG.
MATT
Sounds kinda girly to me, but it’s better than Golden Shower.
(to BLACKMAGE)
And your name is? Wait, didn’t I kill you once?
BLACKMAGE
Obviously not. My true name is LEAPING DRAGON.
MATT
No, I’m sure I killed you once.
You were a Space Marine and…
GOLDEN SONG
(to BOB)
Bad news, boss. The peasants say that RUPERT
has made an announcement. He is going to execute
one of the strangers he captured.
MATT
(panicked)
It’s not LANDSHARK, is it?!
LEAPING DRAGON
No, it was the one you call DMA.
MATT
Oh, thank God! Wait, that’s not good news!
They can’t kill one of my people and get away
with it! BOB, get all the Terminators in here,
and I’ll go over the plan.
BOB
We are all here.
MATT
What?! There’s only four of you?!
BOB
Training to be a Terminator is not easy, and
few are called to the task. It takes many years
of training, practically from birth.
Few are able to handle it.
MATT
Okay. Well, here’s what I have in mind…
He pulls a sketched map of the castle out of his pocket and spreads it out on the floor.
INT- CASTLE DUNGEON- MORNING
The camera opens on a shot of the crowded prison cell; all the captives are here, and waking up grumpily. MICHAEL is still unconscious on the floor, but everyone else seems healthy, except for bruises. DMA looks like he hasn’t slept all night; he’s sitting up against the wall, wide eyed and pale.
KIT
Bugger, we’re still here.
I was hoping it was all a
bad dream.
HENDRYK
If only. Damn, DMA, you look like hell.
DMA
You would too if they were going to cut your throat tonight!
Or shoot you or burn you at the stake or…
VOICE (off camera)
It’ll be a beheading.
The crew turns to see a Jelly standing outside their cell. He holds a plate of food in his hands. He slides it under the door.
JELLY
Bullets are too expensive to waste on executions.
No, it’s the headsman’s axe for you. Eat up…
although, if I were you, I wouldn’t waste any food on that one.
(motions to DMA)
The Jelly walks away. The crew members look at each other, and then at the food.
KIT
My God, that’s disgusting!
IRONYUPPIE
What did you expect, beef Wellington?
KIT
Why not? Our captor is a
cultured gentleman, even
if he is a bloody handed tyrant.
LANDSHARK
Now, chaps, even if the food is substandard, we must consume it.
We must keep our strength up, and hope that we’ll be able to turn
the tables on these blighters. Come now, gun bearer, tuck in!
FLOCCULENCIO
For that last damn time, I am not… oh bloody hell!
FLOCCULENCIO takes a handful of food, holds his nose, and takes a bite. He chews and swallows hurriedly, and makes a disgusted face.
FLOCCULENCIO
Blimey! This tastes like pickled cow’s butt!
DR. WHAT
Just how do you know what that tastes like?
FLOCCULENCIO
I’d rather not tell you that.
INT- SOCIETY HEADQUARTERS- DAY
MATT is seen in here pacing back and forth. He stops to look at the digital watch built into the armor on his arm, then resumes pacing. SHADOW LOTUS is sitting on the floor in the lotus position, eyes closed, meditating. She opens her eyes and sees MATT pacing.
SHADOW LOTUS
You should relax, MATT. Pacing and worry does no good.
Night will come when it comes.
MATT
I always get nervy before a big operation. And so much is
riding on this one. Relax… must relax.
He stops and looks down speculatively at SHADOW LOTUS. He sits on the floor in front of her, and tentatively puts a hand on her knee.
MATT
I do know one way to relax. You know, we may be
going to our deaths tomorrow, and…
She merely smiles and gently moves his hand away.
SHADOW LOTUS
I admit, it is… tempting. But I cannot. Terminators
abstain from pleasures of the flesh. It is a distraction.
MATT stares at her wide eyed.
MATT
My God! You mean, all you Terminators practice
abstinence your whole lives?! I’d be climbing the walls…
SHADOW LOTUS
We can actually do that… climb walls, I mean. But yes,
abstinence is part of our discipline. Once you experience
carnal pleasures, it always is part of your mind, and will
be a distraction from the Art. Think of the warrior you
could be if you had never given in to lust, without the
thought of pursuit of women to cloud your mind.
MATT
Honey, that train left the station a
looooooong time ago. But… must relax.
He awkwardly puts himself into the lotus position, his power armor making it difficult.
MATT
Okay, I’ll try it your way. Now what?
SHADOW LOTUS
Clear your mind of all thoughts of the coming battle,
or battles of the past. Focus on something soothing…
pools of water, rolling surf, anything calm, repetitive…
The two close their eyes and sit motionless for a moment.
MATT
Actually, there is one thing you can do that
will relax me, and it’s not naughty or anything.
She opens her eyes and looks at him inquisitively.
MATT
Last night, when you dragged me here and revived me…
please tell me it was you who gave me mouth to mouth, and not BOB.
SHADOW LOTUS grins and closes her eyes again.
MATT
Hey, I’m not kidding, I would really like to know that…
INT- AH.COM MED BAY- DAY
TORQUMADA is looking at the monitor over LUAKEL’S bed, a very grim expression on his face. He looks around as GREY WOLF enters the room.
GREY WOLF
How’s he doing?
TORQUMADA
Not good. He hasn’t got much longer. If I don’t
operate tomorrow, he’s done for. And I can’t
operate without that SynCereThol.
GREY WOLF
If MATT’S plan works, you’ll have it tonight.
G BONE sent down the stuff that he requested.
The attack goes on in a couple of hours.
The two look at LUAKEL lying motionless in the bed. He is deathly pale and seems shrunken in size.
EXT- OUTSIDE THE AUSTRALIAN CASTLE- NIGHT
The camera opens with a far shot of the lighted castle. The camera pans away from it out across the empty fields. It stops when the four Terminators and MATT come into view. MATT has been reequipped; he has a sniper rifle with scope and silencer slung over his shoulder, a bolter at his belt, and a pack on his back. He is looking at the castle through a pair of high tech binoculars.
MATT
Just a couple of guards out front.
Everyone else must be inside,
waiting to see them kill poor DMA.
Damn it, no one gets to kill our people…
He takes the sniper rifle off of his shoulder and chambers a round. He then goes down prone on the ground, resting the rifle on a mound of dirt. He carefully peers through the infrared scope, and then fires two quick shots. He looks through the scope again.
MATT
And… scratch two guards. Now…
He squints through the scope again, and fires a single shot.
The camera switches to a view of the castle. One of the electric lights over the main gate winks out. More shots are heard, and more of the lights go out, one by one, until the entire front of the castle is dark.
The camera switches back to MATT, who takes the binoculars, turns them to infrared mode, and looks through them.
MATT
All clear. Doesn’t look like anyone
else was on guard. Damn sloppy, that is…
BOB
Okay, Terminators, this is it… move up.
The group all quietly jogs forward. MATT has his bolter out and is looking around as he moves. BOB is in the lead. When the group gets about halfway to the castle, BOB suddenly holds up a hand, and everyone stops. The Terminators assume karate ready stances. MATT looks around in confusion.
MATT
Uh… guys, what…
Six Jellies suddenly burst out of the mud and attack. They are fast and skilled… but the Terminators are much faster and much more skilled. Their arms and legs make whooshing sounds as they strike, and they seem to anticipate the Jellies’ every move. MATT is frantically aiming his bolter all over, but the Jellies go down faster than he can get a bead on them. After a fight of about eight seconds, MATT finds himself standing in the middle of the Terminators, dead Jellies all around.
MATT
(muttering)
Sweet Mother of God….
BOB
Let’s move!
The group continues their advance on the castle.
INT- MANOR HOUSE- NIGHT
The camera shows a wide panning shot of the throne room. A low platform has been set up in the middle of the room. On it, there is a block of wood, stained with old dried blood. A man in black robes and a black hood stands there, a huge axe in his hands. A line of Jellies is standing in front of the platform, weapons ready. Off to the side, a milling horde of techs, police, and guards are standing in a mob, cheering and yelling. RUPERT is on his throne, overlooking everything.
RUPERT
Bring out the prisoner!
INT- CASTLE DUNGEON- NIGHT
DMA is seen being pulled out of the cell by a Jelly. A group of guards with pistols has them pointed at the other crew members, who look furious, but are standing at the back of the cell. As DMA exits the cell, a guard shuts the door and locks it again. The guards take DMA down the hall.
INT- MANOR HALL- NIGHT
Everyone cheers when DMA is brought into the room. The guards drag him up onto the platform and shove him down so that his head is on the chopping block. The headsman grunts and hefts his axe.
EXT- MANOR HOUSE- NIGHT
MATT and the Terminators are seen moving up to the steel door that leads into the throne room. MATT tries the door but it is locked.
MATT
All right, a locked door! I’ll take care of this.
BOB
No, I will.
The camera focuses on BOB. He closes his eyes and draws in several deep breaths. The camera switches to a shot of his right hand, which clenches so tight that the veins stand out on his arm. The camera switches to a further shot of BOB, and he explodes into action. He slams his fist into the steel door. It tears off the wall with a shriek of metal and falls flat on the ground. The Terminators and MATT run through the doorway.
INT- MANOR HALL- NIGHT
The headsman has the axe held high. Just before he can swing it down, the steel door to the hall is heard crashing down. The headsman pauses and looks around in surprise. The camera switches to a shot of the doorway; MATT and the Terminators are seen running into the room. As they stop to look around, MATT quickly sees DMA and the headsman.
MATT
Oh no you don’t!
He fires a single shot. The headsman takes the round in the chest and falls backwards off the platform, a bloody wreck.
The camera switches to a high shot over the room. We see RUPERT rising from his throne in shock, the Jellies whirl and face the intruders, and DMA stumbling away from the chopping block. The room goes quiet, and the background music starts playing the opening lines from “Kung Fu Fighting” by Carl Douglas.
BACKGROUND MUSIC
Oh ho ho HOOOOOOOOOOOO….
With loud ‘Hiyah!’ shouts, the Jellies assume fighting stances and brandish their weapons.
BACKGROUND MUSIC
Oh ho ho hoooooooooooooooooo….
With similar loud shouts, the Terminators assume fighting stances, while MATT belatedly raises his bolter and gives a half-hearted shout as well.
BACKGROUND MUSIC
Everybody was kung fu fighting…..
With more shouts, the Jellies and Terminators charge each other, while MATT moves off to one side, looking rather bemused.
BACKGROUND MUSIC
Those cats were fast as lightning…
The camera shows BOB in action. He blocks a stave blow from one Jelly, and then smashes the stave in half; a swift kick crushes the Jelly’s skull.
BACKGROUND MUSIC
In fact, it was a little bit frightening….
SHADOW LOTUS is seen leaping into the air and smashing her foot into the face of a huge Jelly, dropping him like a rock. Pursued by two other Jellies, she runs across the room, and actually runs halfway up one of the walls, does a backflip and lands on her feet behind the two Jellies, and drops both of them with spine crushing blows from her fists.
BACKGROUND MUSIC
But they fought with expert timing…
GOLDEN SONG is seen surrounded by three Jellies. He makes a sudden twirling attack on one leg and simultaneously punches one Jelly in the groin, punches another in the kneecap and crushes it, and lashes out with a kick to break the neck of the third.
The background music fades as the camera pans out across the room, showing the battling Jellies and Terminators. The camera switches to the mob of techs and guards, looking on in fear. One of the guards nudges another and points to something off camera. The camera switches to their POV. We see MATT standing to one side of the melee, looking like he feels out of place. The guards and techs all draw their pistols and open fire on him. But the guns are small caliber and the bullets don’t come close to punching through his armor. MATT turns and looks on somewhat amused as the bullets ricochet off his armor. The guards stop firing when they realize they’re having no affect. MATT grins and raises the bolter.
MATT
My turn!
The camera switches to a close up view of the bolter muzzle; it fires on full automatic. Screams are briefly heard off camera.
The camera pulls back to a wider view of MATT, who ceases firing. He looks down at something off camera and makes a disgusted face.
MATT
Damn, bolters are so messy…
He turns suddenly and looks at something off camera. The camera switches to his POV, and we see RUPERT standing by a metal door behind the throne. MATT raises his bolter, but RUPERT moves through the door and slams it shut. MATT looks briefly disappointed and then hops up onto the platform. He finds DMA there, huddling on the ground, white and shaking.
MATT
Pull yourself together, man!
DMA
Easy for you to say!
You weren’t about to
have yourself shortened
by a head!
MATT pulls him to his feet, draws a knife, and cuts the ropes on his hands.
MATT
Hey, where are the others?
DMA
Down that stairwell over there, down in the dungeons.
MATT
Good. Search the guards, find the keys, and go get them.
DMA moves off to do that, and MATT stands ready, bolter raised. The camera switches to a wide view of the room, and we see that the Terminators have beaten all the Jellies. They run forward up to the steel door behind the throne.
MATT
What’s behind there?
BOB
Everything. The cloning tanks, the computers…
everything we need to destroy.
MATT
(smacks forehead)
Damn, I almost forgot! Look, guys, I need one of the chemicals
that they have in there. Destroy everything else, but leave the
jars of chemicals until I find what we came for in the first place.
LEAPING DRAGON
I don’t know… our goal is to destroy all the cloning
equipment so that the Clonemasters cannot ever return.
MATT
Look, we’ll take the whole supply of this one chemical
to our ship and then it’ll be gone to another timeline. I
wouldn’t ask, but there’s a life at stake here. He’s just a kid.
Sure, nobody really likes him and he’s a first class annoyance,
but still, he’s one of us.
BOB
Very well; we won’t destroy the chemical storage
until you find it. Now, for this door…
MATT
No wait! It’s my turn!
He pulls a block of C4 out of his pack and attaches it to the door. He puts in a fuse and motions everyone away to the sides. He pulls a remote detonator out of his pocket.
The camera switches to a view of the far side of the door. Two Jellies are standing guard there. The door suddenly explodes, and flying steel shards tear both Jellies to shreds. Moments later, the Terminators and MATT run through the doorway.
MATT
Ooh-rah! Now that’s how we open doors in my town!
BOB
Crude, but effective. Now… let’s split up. The computer banks
are there to the left, while the cloning facilities are through that
door to the right. The Master’s personal chambers lie ahead of us.
GOLDEN SONG and I shall take out the computers. The rest of
you, take out the clone tanks. When we’ve finished, we shall all
go forward and confront the Master himself. Move!
The team all nod in agreement, and then everyone moves off as directed.
INT- COMPUTER CENTER- NIGHT
The camera pans across a room filled with supercomputer towers, work stations, and monitors. Several techs are seen running around in here frantically. A serving girl with a tray and bottles is off to one side. Her scream attracts all the techs attention. The camera switches to the door, where BOB and GOLDEN SONG are seen entering the room. The two Terminators look at each other a moment, and then both grin. As the techs scream and run, the Terminators start gleefully smashing computer equipment with their bare fists. Sparks fly, lights blink, and smoke rises from the ruined equipment. The camera focuses in on GOLDEN SONG, who is happily pummeling a workstation. He pauses, and whirls around in fighting stance… but it is only the cowering serving girl, still holding onto her tray. GOLDEN SONG turns away… and the girl promptly smashes a bottle over his head. His eyes cross, he gets a goofy smile on his face, and birds are heard chirping for a moment.
GOLDEN SONG
Oh dear, Mummy, I seem to have stepped in something icky.
He topples sideways, out cold. The servant shrieks and runs as BOB leaps over. He ignores the girl, and puts a finger to GOLDEN SONG’S throat. After a moment, he stands, shakes his head in bemusement, and runs out of the room. The camera pans across the room, showing that it has been completely trashed.
INT- CLONING ROOM- NIGHT
The camera opens on a shot of the doorway to the room. SHADOW LOTUS and LEAPING DRAGON are seen running into the room, with MATT panting along behind them. They pause and look around. The camera switches to a view of the room. There is more computer equipment in here, but the room is dominated by a dozen huge glass tanks. Each is filled with amber liquid. Clones are growing in them, obviously those of RUPERT. They vary in development from skeletal to nearly complete. A pair of Jellies are seen in the room; they whirl to face the intruders. One with a staff charges at LEAPING DRAGON, who squares off against him. The other circles SHADOW LOTUS warily. He pulls out a pair of nunchuks and whirls them around his body in a display of amazing technique and skill, obviously the result of many years of training. SHADOW LOTUS watches him for a moment, and then suddenly grins and stands up straight. The Jelly looks at her in disbelief a moment, and then whirls around. MATT is there, a grin on his face and the bolter pointed right at the Jelly. He fires, and the Jelly goes down, hit in the chest. MATT looks around and sees the other Jelly lying dead at the feet of LEAPING DRAGON. He looks back at SHADOW LOTUS.
MATT
Thanks, babe! I always wanted to do the Indiana Jones thing.
Something small and metallic bounces off of his armor. As he looks around in puzzlement, the two Terminators whirl and crouch. Two Jellies are on top of the cloning tanks; each holds several throwing spikes. They start flinging them at the Terminators, who dodge and jump to avoid them. SHADOW LOTUS runs at one tank, dodging spikes all the way. She runs straight up the tank and begins fighting the Jelly on top of it. LEAPING DRAGON avoids most of the spikes, but one strikes him in the thigh. He contemptuously swats it aside, and continues forward. Suddenly, he stops and staggers, clutching at his chest. He collapses to his knees.
LEAPING DRAGON
P… p…. poison…
He falls face down to the floor. The Jelly who killed him stands up and spits at the body… and then he drops as a bolter round hits him in the chest. The camera switches to MATT, who lowers his bolter.
MATT
Idiot! Never stop to gloat over a fallen enemy in the middle of a fight!
Yeah, how do you like them apples, you goddamn… OOF!
MATT is knocked down on his back as another Jelly hops out from behind a tank and kicks him in the chest. He tries to raise the bolter, but it is kicked out of his hands. MATT frantically crawls backward on the floor, trying to get room to stand up, but the Jelly stalks after him.
The camera switches to SHADOW LOTUS, who slips a punch through the guard of the Jelly; he drops, rolls off the tank, and hits the floor with a bone crushing thud. She looks out over the room and sees that MATT is in trouble. She leaps to the floor and runs at the Jelly, who turns to face her. The two exchange blows for a while, and then the girl makes a sweeping kick that knocks the Jelly’s feet out from under him. He falls flat on the ground, and the girl’s heel crushes his head. MATT slowly gets to his feet, and sees SHADOW LOTUS kneeling by LEAPING DRAGON, feeling for a pulse. She stands and turns to MATT, shaking her head.
MATT
Damn. I’m really sorry.
SHADOW LOTUS
He died with honor. We need to move on.
The Clonemaster is still out there.
But first, we must destroy these tanks.
MATT
Oh yeah. Let me.
He opens fire with the bolter, spraying it across the room. The cloning tanks all smash and shatter, the liquid pouring over the room. MATT turns the gun on the computers, which also spark and shatter.
MATT
Wooeee! That’s always so damn much fun! Wait…
He walks over to a wall, where a large metal cabinet door is set into it. He knocks the padlock off with the butt of the bolter and opens it. Inside, there are dozens of large jars filled with assorted chemicals. The camera moves in on several large jars near the bottom of the rack; each is clearly marked “S-C-T.”
MATT
That’s it! Now… let’s take care of this RUPERT clown.
The two run out of the room.
INT- CASTLE DUNGEON- NIGHT
The crew members are seen in their cell, looking anxiously down the corridor. DMA suddenly comes into view, running towards them. He has a ring of keys in his hand. He stops and unlocks the cell door.
DR. WHAT
It’s good to see you’re still alive there, DMA…
but what the hell is going on up there?
DMA
Ninjas, guns, MATT… it’s complicated.
Let’s just get the hell out of here.
The team members push open the door, and then the entire group runs down the hallway, carrying MICHAEL with them.
INT- THE MASTER’S QUARTERS- NIGHT
The camera opens on a scene showing the door leading to the chambers. It is pushed open from the outside, and BOB is seen standing there. He cautiously walks into the room. The camera switches to a view from behind him as he moves forward. BOB moves down a short hallway and into a plush room with chairs and electronic devices. RUPERT is in here, cowering against a wall. BOB smiles nastily at him, and moves forward.
BOB
Your reign is at an end, Clonemaster.
BOB takes a quick step, but suddenly whirls as a Jelly runs out from another room. This one carries a katana, and seems quite skilled with it. BOB parries the blows with his arms, evading the point and edge. The Jelly gets frustrated and swings down at BOB’S head. BOB catches the sword between his palms, immobilizing it. With a quick twist, the blade shatters. BOB karate chops the Jelly on the neck, dropping him instantly. He turns back towards RUPERT… and staggers as a gunshot is heard.
The camera switches to RUPERT. He is holding a huge high tech pistol in his hands, and is pointing it at BOB. The Terminator looks shakily down at the wound in the left side of his chest, bleeding heavily. He groans and collapses to the floor.
RUPERT turns as running footsteps are heard off camera. He points the pistol as SHADOW LOTUS and MATT run into the room. They stop, looking at BOB on the floor, and the huge gun in RUPERT’S hand.
RUPERT
Stop! This pistol will shoot even
through that armor of yours, outlander.
(angry voice)
You destroyed it all! I have lived for generations, and
now all is at an end! When this body grows old or is
damaged, I must stay in it. This is the last of my life!
MATT
Oh boo hoo… welcome to the real world.
The rest of us live that way all the time.
RUPERT
But… I am a Master, not one of you commoners!
At least, I will have the pleasure of seeing you die.
He points the pistol at MATT. He tenses, and SHADOW LOTUS prepares to spring at the Master. But everyone freezes as a sound is heard from behind RUPERT, who turns to look. BOB is standing there. One arm hangs uselessly, and he is white from blood loss, but he stands firmly upright. RUPERT swings the gun around to bear on him, but BOB catches it in one hand. He crushes both gun and hand in his grip. RUPERT screams and falls to his knees.
BOB
Time to die, Clonemaster.
With a mighty shout, BOB swings his good hand in a long arc. His fist crashes into RUPERT’S chest, and a horrible cracking sound is heard. The Master flies into the opposite wall, and the body slides down to the floor. The camera goes to a brief close up shot of RUPERT’S eyes… they are open and staring blankly at nothing; he is dead.
BOB sinks to his knees, as MATT and SHADOW LOTUS run up to him.
BOB
All is done. The Clonemaster is overthrown
and he is dead. Now, I can die with honor.
MATT
Damn, what’s with you guys and all the dying with honor?
We have a doctor on the ship who can fix you up.
BOB
Really? That’d be swell.
He passes out. MATT lowers him to the ground and stands up. He turns to SHADOW LOTUS, who has a distant and sad look on her face.
MATT
Oh. Hey, I really am sorry
about LEAPING DRAGON.
SHADOW LOTUS nods, but still looks unhappy. MATT puts a comforting arm around her, and then hastily withdraws it.
MATT
Oh! Sorry! I forgot
the whole discipline thing.
SHADOW LOTUS looks at him speculatively.
SHADOW LOTUS
Actually… why not.
She hugs MATT so hard that his armor creaks. He stares down at her in shock.
MATT
Wait… huh… what about all
that denial and discipline stuff?
SHADOW LOTUS
Well, the Clonemaster is dead,
so the need for all that discipline
is kind of gone. I’ve been denying
myself for a long time, and I
want to make up for lost time.
You up for it?
MATT
Am I ever! But… damn, there’s
so much to do. We gotta get the
SynCereThol up to the ship and
get TORQUMADA to fix up BOB,
and then we have to get the ship
ready to shift away, have DAVE
get the engines spun up…
(pause)
Wait… DAVE HOWERY…
where’s he been this whole time?!
SHADOW LOTUS
Can’t the others do that?
MATT
Why… yes, they can.
He takes hold of the girl’s hand, and the two practically run from the room.
INT- MANOR HALL- NIGHT
The team members from the AH.COM are seen in here, looking around at all the devastation. MATT and SHADOW LOTUS run into the room, still holding hands. They stop in front of DR. WHAT.
MATT
HiDOCthisisSHADOWLOTUSshe’sreallyneat,hey,
theSynCereTholisoverthereinthatroompastthe
steeldoorandweneedtogetTORQtofixupBOB,
ohIdidn’ttellyouaboutBOB,he’sreallyneat,but
he’shurtbad,soheneedsadoctor,oh,andRUPERTisdead.
(pause)
Bye!
He and SHADOW LOTUS run out of the room. The others look at each other in confusion.
DR. WHAT
Any of you get any of that?
IRONYUPPIE
I think he said something about needing to fix up
some guy named BOB with TORQUMADA.
Funny, I didn’t think he swung that way.
LANDSHARK
No, my dear, that wasn’t quite right. He said the SynCereThol
is over there in a room past that steel door, and that someone
named BOB needs a doctor’s services, so we need to notify
TORQUMADA. Also, that RUPERT is dead.
DR. WHAT
As usual, LANDSHARK, you have the right of it.
Well, it sounds as if everything worked out right
in the end. So, let’s go get the SCT and…
(pause)
Oh my God! I think MATT is going to get laid!
HENDRYK
But… that’s not fair! I’m the one who
goes for the hot Asian girls! That’s my shtick!
TWO DAYS LATER
INT- AH.COM MED BAY- DAY
DR. WHAT and TORQUMADA are seen in here, standing over LUAKEL’S bed. The boy looks much better, although he has a bandage around his head.
DR. WHAT
Is he going to make it?
TORQUMADA
Yes. I went in, stopped the leak, and replaced
his cerebral fluid. He should wake up in a day or two.
DR. WHAT
Can’t you keep him under for a week or so?
Oh never mind… I’m just glad everything
worked out in the end.
TORQUMADA
Well, there’s still MATT to deal with.
The two turn and look at another bed. MATT lies on it, with LANDSHARK looking over him, puffing on his meerschaum pipe. MATT looks strangely deflated, as if most of his bodily fluids have been drained out of him. Four huge electrolyte bags are hanging on IV units, run into his arms. Although he is obviously unconscious, MATT has a huge grin on his face.
TORQUMADA
Well, he lost a hell of a lot of fluid, but he should recover.
We’ll just keep on pumping him full of replacements,
and he’ll come around.
DR. WHAT
So, then, it did all work out well in the end.
LUAKEL is saved, MATT hooked up with
a hot Asian girl, and best of all,
we got LANDSHARK back.
The final scene shows LANDSHARK nodding in agreement, smiling as he puffs on his meerschaum pipe.
END ACT II
TAG
INT- STUDIO- DAY
The camera shows PSYCHOMELTDOWN, DR. WHAT, and THANDE all sitting in chairs, writing on sheets of paper. They stop, lean back, and stretch.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
There! A whole episode completed,
and not once do we insult LANDSHARK.
IAN will be happy with us.
DR. WHAT
True. Hey, what the hell
is meerschaum anyway?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Uh… something they make pipes out of?
THANDE
Damn colonials. No, it’s…
IAN suddenly pops into the scene, out of thin air.
IAN
I changed my mind. Go back to abusing LANDSHARK.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What? Why?
IAN
This was a mistake. I mean, look at this episode. He is so
BORRRRIIIINNNGGG! I wanted dry humor, but I guess
you guys aren’t up to that. He came across as stuffy, not
humorous. And the rest of the crew… sheesh! MATT
wasn’t nearly snarky enough… and he got laid! That was
never supposed to happen! And GREY WOLF never had
a drink the whole episode. And FLOCC in a damn turban!
And you practically emasculated IRONYUPPIE.
DR. WHAT
Uh, she’s a girl, she can’t be…
IAN
(smacks DR. WHAT on the head)
I know that! I meant, she was all lovey dovey over LANDSHARK,
and she couldn’t even take out a couple of kung fu guys… she should
have mopped the floor with them! And then, there was the fact that
everyone was so LANDSHARK happy, just couldn’t get enough
of the guy. So, go back to abusing him.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Okay… but… can we have DAVE HOWERY back?
If you want LANDSHARK abused, he’s really the best at it.
IAN
Mmm…. Okay.
IAN snaps his fingers and disappears. Simultaneously, DAVE HOWERY appears. He runs his hands over his body, and finally his crotch. He gets a very relieved look on his face.
DAVE HOWERY
Oh thank God… uh, IAN. It’s still there.
THANDE
Why wouldn’t it be? What did IAN do to you?
DAVE HOWERY
I’d rather not talk about it. So… what’s up?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
IAN brought you back. He wants us to go back
to abusing LANDSHARK in the episodes again.
DAVE HOWERY
Well, that’s good news! I’ll get right on that…
(pause)
Say, I can’t seem to move my feet.
He struggles to move, but his feet seem to be solidly glued to the floor. He looks over at the other Writer Chimps, and they seem to have the same problem. DAVE HOWERY suddenly groans, grabs his stomach, and bends over. He massively breaks wind.
DAVE HOWERY
Oh no! Galloping Flatulence!
DR. WHAT
For Christ’s sake, DAVE… you invented it, how do you cure it?
DAVE HOWERY
I don’t (fart) know, the only (fart)
thing I do (fart) know is that it is (fart)
highly contagious (fart) !
The other Writer Chimps panic and try to move, but can’t. Suddenly, all three groan, grab their stomachs, and bend over. As the screen fades to black with the sounds of incredible flatulence in the background, IAN is heard chuckling over the black.
IAN
Hee hee! Galloping flatulence! That is just so funny…
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
