TEASER
EXT. –HUB – DAY
A vortex opens up and the Hairplane appears.
It’s obvious that it has suffered major damage and there is significantly less hair along its surface than before. It slowly flies towards the docking bays of the Hub.
INT. -HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM – DAY
JUSTIN PICKARD is seen brooding on his throne. RAN EXILIS walks into the room and bows.
RAN EXILIS
Your Hairiness! We shall be docking within five minutes.
We have already made enquiries regarding repairs to the ship.
With luck, we shall be fully operational within 8 hours.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(nodding head)
So our Great Mission will be able to be continued.
(beat)
We will need a replacement crew member.
RAN EXILIS
I shall see to that myself!
JUSTIN PICKARD
Very well—but I wish to interview
them myself, Hirsute Prime.
RAN EXILIS
(bowing head)
As you wish, my Piliferous Liege!
INT. – OUROBOROS – DAY
We see RAN EXILIS sitting at a table in a relatively quiet area of the Pub. Standing with their backs to us are several bald men in a line.
MONTAGE OF INTERVIEWS
RAN EXILIS
Name?
FIGURE
Fernidad of Prussia.
RAN EXILIS
Are you willing to give your ultimate
loyalty to his Hairiness Justin Pickard?
KING FERNIDAD
Yes—but I have certain conditions.
RAN EXILIS
Oh?
KING FERNIDAD
Do not under any circumstances discuss in my presence
the Weimar Republic, Bonaparte, or anything related to
Germany, Prussia or the such. This is a request from the Sovereign Himself, namely myself.
RAN EXILIS
(raising an eyebrow)
You know—I would be more impressed
if it wasn’t for the fact that it’s suppose
to be KING FERDINAND and not
KING FERNIDAD. Next!
WIPE-CUT TO:
RAN EXILIS
(looking over a resume)
Hmmm…interesting…uh-huh…okay—looks good.
(beat)
So—any questions, Mr…Legend?
HELLOLEGEND
Yes—You ever wonder what if Britney Spears
never became a Mousketeer?
Oh! I know! Let me put together a poll and –
RAN EXILIS
NEXT!
WIPE-CUT TO:
RAN EXILIS
So—you’re a two headed person, ROEDECKER/YULAW?
ROEDECKER/YULAW
Yes.
RAN EXILIS
Well—we don’t discriminate
here as long as you are loyal.
ROEDECKER/YULAW
(together)
Good.
RAN EXILIS
So –tell me a bit about your beliefs.
(pause)
You do you admire more than anyone else in the entire multi-verse?
ROEDECKER/YULAW
(dreamy voice)
Mmmmm… Ann Coulter.
RAN EXILIS
(startled)
I beg your pardon?
ROEDECKER/YULAW
(still with the dreamy voice)
God’s gift to humanity.
Oh Ann…your Adam’s apple is
sooooo sexy…Mmmmmmmmm…
RAN EXILIS stares in shock for a second, then reaches down and picks up a fork and jabs it repeatedly into his eye.
RAN EXILIS
NEXT!
WIPE-CUT TO:
RAN EXILIS
So—tell me a little bit about yourself, Mr. Reynolds.
(blinks)
John Reynolds? Say—is that your real name or are you
identifying with that Union general who got killed the
first day at the battle of Gettysburg?
(sotto voce to himself)
I’m guessing the former, as the latter assumes this guy
actually read a book sometime in his life…
JOHN REYNOLDS
Noes! Yuo ares the oens who hasnt red a boook
in hes life, becise you rea the one that is tsupid!!
LEARN TO THINK YOU INCONTINENT FUCK HEAD!!
RAN EXILIS
NEXT!
WIPE-CUT TO:
RAN EXILIS sitting at the table, looking simultaneously tired, annoyed and mildly depressed.
RAN EXILIS
(with absolutely no enthusiasm whatsoever)
And your name is…?
FIGURE
Idontknowwhereiam
RAN EXILIS
(blinking eyes in confusion)
Huh?
IDONTKNOWWHEREIAM
(monotone voice)
I am a worshipper of Meierism
RAN EXILIS
(even more confused)
You worship a computer game maker?
IDONTKNOWWHEREIAM
He is God. There is proof. He is god. Dont doubt the Almighty one.
Doubting him is High Treason and Hersery! Punishment is immediat
death. No trial. No Jury. 
. Play his games. Worship
him. most off Sacrafice Small animals in his name. Give your soul to him.
He is god. 
:D:D . Do not doubt him. You will be assimilated!
RAN EXILIS
(sighing)
Why do I even bother anymore?…
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“HAIR TODAY GOTTERDAMMERUNG TOMORROW: PART 2”
Written By : DOCTOR WHAT & THANDE
ACT I
INT. – DIMLY LIT CORRIDOR – NIGHT
We see the bald goons RAN EXILIS, CARL, GENERAL TIU, HOBELHOUSE, EUIO, BLACKMAGE, and REDEM walking down a Hub corridor. RAN EXILIS is looking very depressed while the others are carrying numerous boxes and crates.
BLACKMAGE
Maybe we’ll have better luck trying another Pub?
RAN EXILIS
I have a feeling that probably won’t be very successful either.
(sighing)
Let’s face it—the quality of your average minion and
goon has been dropping precipitously over the last few years.
REDEM
But fortunately we are top quality minions!
(no pause at all)
Ooops!
He trips and falls to the ground; the others trip over him and collapse on top of him in a heap. Boxes and crates fall to the ground with a deafening crash. For some reason, a cymbal rolls out of the heap and rolls down the corridor for a few seconds before falling on its side with a loud clang.
RAN EXILIS sighs.
RAN EXILIS
Mother warned me there will be days like this…
RAN EXILIS suddenly blinks and takes a step back. Appearing out of the shadows are several figures, all heavily clad in leather jackets and skimasks.
All except one—who for some reason is wearing a WW1 Reichswehr uniform instead.
The lead figure steps forward.
FIGURE 1
(very bad American thug accent)
Ok—youse guys will hand over all youse stuff
or we’ll break your – I mean youse – legs.
Several other figures step forward.
FIGURE 2
(also with a very bad American thug accent—
but this one with British accent undertone)
You don’t wanna make us angry. Youse
wouldn’t like it to see us angry.
FIGURE 3 (wearing the German uniform) steps forward.
FIGURE 3
(waving, for some reason, a cricket bat)
Ja! Und ve vill bitch-slap you eine thirty zeconds if you don’t comply, ja!
RAN EXILIS
(slowly backing away)
Look—we don’t want any trouble but we don’t have
anything valuable. These crates just have parts for our ship…
FIGURE 3
Nein! Ve will decide vhat’s valuable…
The figures all step forward, waving assorted weapons and trying (with varying degrees of success) to look tough and dangerous.
Another figure—this one tall, muscular, shirtless and bald—suddenly appears behind the thugs. He’s still in the shadows, so we can’t get a good look at him.
TALL BALD FIGURE
Leave them alone or you will have to answer to me!
FIGURE 1
Ha! One against eight! What
can one man do against all of us?
TALL BALD FIGURE
This!
The TALL BALD FIGURE tackles the gang of thugs, kicking and punching every one of them. He moves fantastically fast and the thugs are too slow to react. In a matter of a few seconds, the TALL BALD FIGURE is standing alone (still in shadows), surrounded by numerous thugs groaning on the ground.
TALL BALD FIGURE
Quickly! Follow me! They may have some friends!
The TALL BALD FIGURE and the BALD GOONS pick up all their crates and rush off.
INT. HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM – DAY
JUSTIN PICKARD is sitting on his throne, listening to RAN EXILIS
RAN EXILIS
…and that’s what happened, Your Hairiness!
JUSTIN PICKARD
Interesting.
(beat)
And this individual –you say that he is open
to the possibility of joining our crew?
RAN EXILIS
Indeed! He literally jumped at the chance when I
explained to him the conditions for employment!
He said that for a chance to get his hair back, he’ll
gladly sign up for TWO years service—as long as
he gets a chance to beat up more people.
JUSTIN PICKARD
He will certainly have his wish in the near future.
Step forward, candidate!
REVERSE SHOT – Camera facing JUSTIN PICKARD with the various minions’ backs to us.
The TALL BALD FIGURE steps forward from the shadows and comes to attention in front of JUSTIN PICKARD, his back to us.
JUSTIN PICKARD
What name do you go with?
TALL BALD FIGURE
I am known by many names but you may know me as—
(beat)
Camera swings around and now shows a much clearer full face shot of the TALL BALD FIGURE.
TALL BALD FIGURE
Mr Nelson.
Fade to black, dramatic music.
INT. – HUB – DIMLY LIT CORRIDOR – NIGHT
As before. As we watch, the masked THUGs begin to get up from their prone positions, rubbing their arms and legs and groaning. One of them is still wearing a WW1 Reichswehr uniform instead, although he has a ski mask as well.
As we watch, one of the leather-jacketed figures removes his ski mask to reveal that he is MATT.
MATT
(rubbing a bruise)
Hey! Kit! You told us this friend
of yours was just going to play-act!
A second figure pulls off his mask to reveal he’s KIT.
KIT
(smirking)
I’m sorry, but my…friend cannot help
but excel in everything he does.
And it had to look realistic.
A third jacketed figure removes his mask to reveal he’s DMA.
DMA
Strewth, Kit, if you knew he was going
to beat us up this much, why did you
volunteer to come along?
KIT
(looking down at himself)
Any excuse to wear this much leather.
DMA nods in understanding. The two remaining JACKETED THUGS remove their masks – they are OBERDADA and CARLTON BACH.
OBERDADA
Zere is vun sing I do not understand.
(nods at UNIFORMED THUG)
Vhy is zer Englaender dressed as such?
The UNIFORMED THUG pulls off his mask to reveal he’s LANDSHARK.
DMA
Yeah, Sharky.
Jeez – the orders said ‘AH.commers and
Germans dress as thugs’ not ‘AH.commers
dress as Germans’!
LANDSHARK
(faraway look)
Am being postmodern, ja?
MATT
You make a very convincing Kraut, Sharkie.
LANDSHARK
(reddens)
I do believe I haff been insulted by
ein verdammt-Kolonialen!
LANDSHARK takes a threatening step towards MATT but DMA hastily imposes himself in between.
DMA
Look, kobberen, we’re all on
the same side here, okay, mein freunden?
(everyone nods reluctantly)
Kommen, ve’ll return to the ship and
see vhat happens.
The unmasked THUGS walk off down the corridor. KIT pauses, exchanging a funny look with MATT.
KIT
Are you noticing any strange behaviour from them?
MATT
More so than normal?
(laughs)
Nein.
He walks after the others. KIT shakes his head and follows.
INT. – HAIRPLANE – THRONE ROOM – DAY
JUSTIN PICKARD on his throne as before, watching with interest as the bald FELLATIO NELSON goes to work, ordering about the other BALD GOONS.
FELLATIO NELSON
(glancing at plans)
Right, we need the Engineer from Oz on this one…
(pointing to BLACKMAGE)
You! E.O.!
EUIO
Yes?
FELLATIO NELSON
No, not you, Euio, E.O.,
I wanted you, E.O.!
(points at BLACKMAGE)
BLACKMAGE
(confused, points at EUIO)
Him, E.O.?
FELLATIO NELSON
No, you, E.O.!
EUIO
(even more confused)
Yes?
FELLATIO NELSON sighs and goes down to explain. JUSTIN PICKARD watches as FELLATIO NELSON guides them through the repairs to several of the damaged panels and consoles. As we watch, RAN EXILIS comes up in the background and stands beside JUSTIN PICKARD’s throne, a bit of a sour expression on his face.
FELLATIO NELSON
…and look, if you reroute this thingummybob
up the double gasket and round the neutronic inverter,
you increase the power so we can complete the repairs
in only three hours.
BLACKMAGE
Huh?
(looks into console)
Wow, you’re right!
FELLATIO NELSON shuts the open panel with finality and smirks, while the other BALD GOONS applaud.
JUSTIN PICKARD
A most useful addition to our crew.
I commend your choice, Hirsuite Prime.
RAN EXILIS
(glaring at FELLATIO NELSON)
I…am glad you think so, your Lanatity.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(smiling)
I suspect you think he is trying to usurp
your position as Hirsuite Prime?
RAN EXILIS
(looking down, ashamed)
My apologies, your Downiness.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(laughs)
Do not fear. I do not forget your long loyalty to me.
RAN EXILIS
(relieved)
Thank you, your Flocculency-
JUSTIN PICKARD, enraged beyond words suddenly strikes out with his left hand. STRANDS OF HAIR curl from the back of his hand, growing with unnatural speed, and wrap themselves around RAN EXILIS’ neck. The startled Dutchman claws at the strands of hair as they begin to choke him.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(softly)
Not that, Exilis.
Any hair-related title but that.
RAN EXILIS
(purple in face)
As…you…please, your…Pilosity…
JUSTIN PICKARD flicks his wrist and the strands of hair release RAN EXILIS, who feels his bruised throat and takes in gasps of air. The hair wriggles away like snakes and into the structure of the ship itself, until it is indistinguishable from the rest of the carpet of brown hair on all the walls and floor of the Hairplane.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(quietly)
Do not fail me again.
JUSTIN PICKARD turns to FELLATIO NELSON, who is still helping the other BALD GOONS make repairs.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Mr. Nelson!
FELLATIO NELSON
(turning around)
Sir!
JUSTIN PICKARD
I require assistance.
JUSTIN PICKARD sticks out his right hand, closes his eyes as though in meditation, and makes significant Jedi-like gestures. More coils of brown hair stretch out from the walls all around him and the throne, and form the shape of one of the contour multiverse-maps.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(in slightly strained tones)
We require a new target for our weapon.
A timeline with a small population,
one recovering from a great disaster, perhaps.
FELLATIO NELSON
(looking at map)
I believe I know just the place.
(points at node on map)
Here. An Earth where a Lovecraftian cult
unleashed Hollywood monsters on the world.
Only a few million people are left.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(steepling his fingers)
Exxxcellent.
The hair-map collapses. JUSTIN PICKARD turns to RAN EXILIS.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Mr Exilis…plot us a course to that planet.
RAN EXILIS looks mortally pissed off that he’s not being referred to as Hirsuite Prime, and sends another glare at FELLATIO NELSON’s way, who ignores it.
RAN EXILIS
As you wish…your Villousness.
RAN EXILIS stumps away. If there were any cans around, he’d kick them. FELLATIO NELSON smiles, and JUSTIN PICKARD returns it.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Competence can get you to the top
very quickly in my organization, Mr Nelson.
FELLATIO NELSON
I always take advantage of anything
that gets me on top, your Cugliness.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Cugliness? What does this mean?
I have not heard this word before…?
FELLATIO NELSON
Allow me to explain. With diagrams.
As FELLATIO NELSON smirks, the camera pans behind his back, to where he is holding a small remote-control-like device. He presses a button and a light flashes red, once.
EXT. – SUNLIT ISLAND – DAY
The Caribbean on the infected world again. THANDE is fiddling with a small portable spectrometer, looking at the readings and seeming frustrated. As we watch, he slams it down.
THANDE
Ee, chuff me.
So close, and yet…
(shakes head)
Summat missin’. But wha’?
I can’t think. Mi brain’s gooin’ numb.
TORQUMADA walks up, walking with an unsteady gait and leaning on BOBO. He’s holding a test tube with some green fluid in it.
TORQUMADA
Boy, I say, boy, what about this one, y’all?
TORQUMADA puts the tube in THANDE’s spectrometer. The screen comes up with some results.
THANDE
Closest yet! But no’ close enough.
Still summat missin’.
TORQUMADA
Boy, what you talkin’ about, boy?
(clutches chest)
Ugh…the virus…
We’re turning into mindless stereotypes…
THANDE
Speak for thiself, tha knows.
TORQUMADA slips off BOBO and collapses onto the floor. Moments later, THANDE also topples as the virus takes over.
BOBO watches, looking as worried as a flying brain can.
BOBO
No.
Not. Let. Happen.
(looks at test tube)
Something. Missing.
Bobo. Find. It.
Save. Torqumada.
As we watch, BOBO turns, takes to the air and flies off, desperately scanning the ground. The bodies of THANDE and TORQUMADA remain still, occasionally jerking as though in a deep dream, puffs of green virus gas surrounding them.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is pacing back and forth. As we watch, the doors open and PSYCHOMELTDOWN, blackened, burned and with his afro hair now mixed up with soot and other horrible substances, runs in pell-mell, screaming. He pauses, glances around with wild, animal eyes, and then darts off through another door.
The first door then opens again and DAVE HOWERY comes out, waving a huge socket wrench and panting.
DAVE HOWERY
Dammit. Which way did my lavatory brush go?
Everyone points at the second door.
DAVE HOWERY
Thank you.
(beat)
Oh, and by the way, the repairs are
completed and we’ve refuelled.
DOCTOR WHAT
(distractedly)
Good work, Dave.
DAVE HOWERY nods and runs off after PSYCHOMELTDOWN.
DOCTOR WHAT paces for a few more moments, then sits down, brooding.
KIT
(from comm station)
Doc, he might not be able to report in for hours.
Who knows when he’ll have a chance-
As he speaks, the console beeps.
KIT
Ah…speak of the devil…
(looks at readings)
That’s the AOK signal.
Pickard has fallen for his plan.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Good.
KIT
(console beeps again)
Steffen for you…
DOCTOR WHAT
Put it up.
STEFFEN’s image appears again.
STEFFEN
Ve haff completed repairs.
(beat)
Zer Bad Guys haff fallen fur it, ja?
DOCTOR WHAT
Seems so. You know the place.
STEFFEN
(nodding grimly)
Ja. Und zis time he vill not escape.
(eyes burning)
No…matter…vhat.
The screen goes black. DOCTOR WHAT shivers, then pulls himself together.
DOCTOR WHAT
Shift us to the Hollywood timeline!
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR HUB
We see the AH.com and German ships pulling away from the Hub, then go into vortexes almost simultaneously.
EXT. – SPACE – EARTH ORBIT
The two ships erupt from their respective vortexes and settle into Earth orbit.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY
We see DOCTOR WHAT pacing near the command chair.
DOCTOR WHAT
Put the Germans back on screen.
The viewscreen changes to show STEFFEN.
DOCTOR WHAT
My crew and I have been here before, Captain—I’m
going to go down and see if we can organize another
defense like we did in the last timeline. Coordinate
with my crew on any other battle plans you may have.
STEFFEN
Ja—my crew haff been analyzing der last battle ve had
und ve dink ve might be able to commen up vith some useful ideas.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good, good—by the way, how’s my
crewmember MICHAEL doing?
MICHAEL pokes his head into view.
MICHAEL
(grinning)
Ja! Zis guys are ze best—ich am learning zu much!
DOCTOR WHAT
(staring at MICHAEL in utter confusion for a moment; then shrugging his shoulders)
(sotto voce)
Damn Aussie humour.
(normal voice)
Ok—as long as you’re having fun. Screen off.
DOCTOR WHAT walks out the bridge doors.
EXT. – RUINS OF LOS ANGELES – DAY
The shuttle ‘Rita Faltoyano’ is seen flying over the ruined city.
Although much of the city still lies in rubble, we notice that some of the streets have been cleared of debris. People, various farm animals—and even the occasional car or truck—can be seen using the roads.
On the outskirts of the city can be seen dozens of new homes with small garden plots and the occasional greenhouse on their property. Dozens of other houses can be seen in varying degrees of completion.
The shuttle sets down on a large empty field near the town.
A figure walks from away the collection of homes and towards the shuttle. A few minutes later he arrives at the shuttle to find DOCTOR WHAT waiting outside the shuttle.
DOCTOR WHAT
Professor Zoomar. Long time no see.
ZOOMAR
(smiling)
Indeed. Have to admit it was a pleasant surprise to hear from you again.
They shake hands and start walking back towards the houses.
ZOOMAR
So—why are you here? Your message was somewhat vague…
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
I may have some bad news…
INT.- HOME – KITCHEN – DAY
ZOOMAR is making a cup of tea and serving it on a table made up of a strange black plastic like substance—which we suddenly notice is, in fact, giant ant chitin.
ZOOMAR
(off DOCTOR WHAT’s expression)
Can’t let all that stuff go to waste after all—there
are millions of dead giant ants out there. Useful
substance, chitin. And the other monster carcasses
were pretty useful too.
(beat)
(smiling face)
You should have seen the Bar-B-Que we had
when that giant pterodactyl finally died.
(sips tea)
So—our world might be in danger again.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
Not if I can help it!
(beat)
I was wondering what kind of defense you
will be able to put together?
ZOOMAR laughs.
ZOOMAR
Defense?
(beat; more serious tone)
Unfortunately—none at all. While all the Hollywood Monsters have died out—
thanks to your crew—this world will take decades to recover from all the
damage that has occurred over the last fifty years. Even after all this time,
we’re in contact with only about fifty or sixty settlements across North America
and a handful of others in Europe and South America. The rebuilding process
will be very slow.
(beat)
However—we HAVE accomplished a lot, as you can tell by looking around us.
It’s just nowhere enough to be of any help to you. The best I can do is contact
those settlements and tell them to prepare those old bunkers of theirs again,
just to be on the safe side.
DOCTOR WHAT
That will only save a small percentage of this
planet’s population—the rest will be in danger.
ZOOMAR
I know—but that’s the best we can do.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head reluctantly)
I know.
(gets up)
My crew will do everything we can to stop that ship. Count on it.
ZOOMAR
Thank you. I best go and warn people.
DOCTOR WHAT
You guys alright for supplies? My ship doesn’t
have much but maybe we can beam down some
extra food and weapons and generators and stuff?
ZOOMAR
Much appreciated. Good luck.
DOCTOR WHAT is about to leave when he stops and turns back around. ZOOMAR raises an eyebrow in confusion.
DOCTOR WHAT
One last thing. I have to know. You said that
you ate that giant pterodactyl. How DOES
Giant Pterodactyl taste like?
ZOOMAR
(ponders for a moment)
Chicken of course.
DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes and walks away.
EXT.- EARTH ORBIT – DAY
The shuttle ‘Rita Faltoyano’ flies back towards the AH.Com ship.
INT. –SHUTTLE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT hits the comm. button.
DOCTOR WHAT
Doc returning to ship.
(beat)
Those guys down there are in no shape to defend themselves.
Looks like we’re really on our own this time.
LEO
Understood Doc.
The Germans have been discussing some interesting
battle tactic strategies with us.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’ve been thinking of a few ideas myself, LEO.
Hopefully we will be able to stop Justin once and for all here.
LEO
I hope so too.
(beat)
By the way, Doc, I’ve been meaning to tell you about this glitch
I keep detecting in my main navicomp archive system…
DOCTOR WHAT
(interrupting)
Will that have any effect on any of our battle scenarios
or your primary defensive and offensive systems?
LEO
(almost insulted tone of voice)
Well—no, of course not—don’t be silly—
the navicomp system has absolutely nothing whatsoever
to do with that kind of stuff but…
DOCTOR WHAT
Then it will just have to wait, LEO!
(sighing)
Look—I know the ship is messed up and you’re overdue
for a upgrade and stuff and I know that I keep putting off
doing all those necessary repairs and upkeep.
I promise you that once all this over I’ll take the ship to the Hub
and splurge on a major overhaul of the entire ship and your systems,
but this stuff will just have to wait for now.
LEO
(resigned voice)
Very well.
(sotto voce)
Damn fleshbag.
DOCTOR WHAT
Huh? What did you say?
LEO
Nothing! Shuttle docking in 2 minutes.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
Oh—LEO—check the inventories and see if we
have any extra stuff we can afford to spare,
and arrange to have it beamed to the planet below…
LEO
Will do.
EXT.- SHUTTLE – SPACE
The shuttle flies towards the AH.Com ship.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT, GBW, ALAYTA, LANDSHARK and several other AH.commers are sitting around the table. They are in the middle of a heated discussion.
DOCTOR WHAT
Another Daring Commando Raid™?
With HIM? Is that wise?
GBW
Well—he is under medication now.
It should keep the psychotic tendencies under control.
(beat)
Hopefully.
DOCTOR WHAT
But why him of all people?
GBW
He’s had personal history with this guy, Doc.
He knows how he thinks.
Besides which – Justin will probably act all irrational when he sees him too.
We can use that to our advantage—
especially if he screws up and starts getting sloppy.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’ll prefer that we have a few of our people with him—
and better bring the Germans in on this.
ALAYTA
I haff already contacted mein ship—
Kapitan STEFFEN and First Mate SUSANO
vill be joining ze assault team themselves.
DOCTOR WHAT
Very well—but this is not a suicide mission, ok?!
You guys go in, cause as much damage and get as
much information as you can and then you get out
again, preferably in one piece.
GBW
(sotto voce)
With G.BONE at the controls that might be tough to do.
G.BONE
(looking up from a book he’s reading titled ‘Danny and the Dinosaur’)
Hey! I resent that! I’ll have you know that I’m really smart and—
(glances back at book)
Ooooh—they’re playing hide and go seek!
(goes back to reading)
DOCTOR WHAT sighs.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TRANSPORTER ROOM – DAY
We see STEFFEN and SUSANO standing together, waiting for others to show up. They seem to be in a spirited debate. G.BONE is sitting on the floor, playing with some marbles.
SUSANO
—CAN der President do zat? I dink not! Ze problem vith
his position iz that he iz much like der old British Queen –
officially, he signs law, appoints ministers und so forth but
none uff it on his own authority. It’s a purely, utterly
ceremonial position. Ideally, the Bundestag vould haff to
vote in a new Chancellor ASAP. Now, iff neither Bundestag
nor Gemeinsamer Ausschuss can convene – well, then you
can assume that zer iz no functioning central German government,
anyways. In any case- eine must look at vhat zer Basic Law
says about provisions for ze State uff Defense…
STEFFEN
(interupting)
Bah—Article 69 CLEARLY states zat ze remaining ministers
vould stay in office for a short period und administer through
statutory instruments, until a new Chancellor iz elected through –
SUSANO
(interrupting)
-ah—but 69.3 iz zer important part! So der answer iz generally
“Yes, but”. It seems it requires zer presence uff either der Chancellor
or ze President und iz only temporary until
Bundestag can elect a new Chancellor und-
STEFFEN
(interrupting)
-69.3?! Zat only applies uff ve have a rump parliament!
SUSANO
Nein! You are forgetting about Article 115i which is to
be read in conjunction vith 115f, which CLEARLY states zat—
The two of them are interrupted by the door being opened.
STEFFEN
(annoyed)
Bah—ve vill continue zis most
interesting conversation another time!
SUSANO
(happily)
Ja!
We see WEAPON M walk in, holding a BFG. A few seconds later, HENDRYK and LUAKEL walk in, pushing a stretcher which has a figure lying on it. They slowly swing the stretcher into an upright position.
We see the figure is FLOCCULENCIO. He is wrapped up in white pajama style asylum pants and matching straight jacket with the sleeves tied behind his back. He’s also wearing a leather muzzle mask tied with heavy elastic straps to his face.
All of his limbs are securely fastened with heavy chains to metal restraints on the stretcher.
HENDRYK
Good thing IRONYUPPIE had all this stuff handy in her quarters…
LUAKEL
That explains the fresh pine scent
WEAPON M
Ok guys—you know what you have to do.
HENDRYK and LUAKEL take a few steps back and pull out what look like long electric cattle prods. They point it at FLOCCULENCIO, both of them sweating nervously.
WEAPON M takes a few steps forward and holds up a long key in front of FLOCCULENCIO’s face.
WEAPON M
If we let you out, are you gonna play nice, Flocc?
FLOCCULENCIO nods.
WEAPON M starts undoing all the restraints, then quickly takes a step back—his BFG at the ready.
FLOCCULENCIO takes one or two hesitant steps forward and then shrugs off his straitjacket, making it fall to the floor.
HENDRYK and LUAKEL are still nervously pointing the Cattle prods at him.
FLOCCULENCIO
(slightly drugged voice)
I be nice.
WEAPON M
One way to know for sure.
(steps back; points BFG at Flocc)
(takes a deep breath)
Justin Pickard!
HENDRYK and LUAKEL practically jump out of their skins but all that comes out of Flocc’s is a very quiet growl. He makes no other moves.
WEAPON M
(nodding head)
Drug will wear off soon, guys.
(turns to the Germans)
He’s all yours.
WEAPON M, LUAKEL and HENDRYK all quickly step out of the transporter room. A second later we hear what sounds like the doors being locked.
There is a short pause.
We then hear the sounds of many heavy objects being dragged on the floor and placed against the doors.
We hear frantic concerned whispers
LUAKEL
Will that be enough to hold him back?
HENDRYK
Don’t know.
WEAPON M
Better pile on more stuff just to be sure.
We again hear the sounds of many heavy objects being dragged on the floor and placed against the doors.
Wipe to:
EXT. – CARIBBEAN ISLAND – DAY
Back on the infected world again. TORQUMADA and THANDE are still lying there, unconscious, green virus gas around them as the Stereotypica finally overcomes their vaccines.
THANDE
(blurred murmur)
Ooh chuff mi Ah feel like Ahm gonna cock mi clogs…
TORQUMADA
(blurred murmur)
Boy, I say boy, it’s at times like this
I wish I’d paid off mah health insurance…
On the lab bench beside them is THANDE’s spectrometer, and sitting in the slot at the top, jouncing around, is the bubbling green fluid in the test tube.
Overhead, we see BOBO frantically flying about.
BOBO
Not. Find.
But. Must. Find.
Save. Torqumada.
MOSQUITO
(VO)
Say, what are you up to?
BOBO turns in midair to see the MOSQUITO hovering above the lab bench. One of his forelegs is bent around the stem of a huge sunflower. As we watch, he sticks his piercing moutparts into the sunflower and sucks. His compound eyes roll back in ecstacy and he sighs.
BOBO
(frustratedly)
Torqumada. Hurt.
Must. Help. Torqumada.
MOSQUITO
(sighs)
Look, I want to help them too,
ol’-flyin’-brain-buddy,
but let’s face it, what do we know
about chemistry and biology?
(takes another suck of sunflower pollen)
If they couldn’t do it, what makes you think we can?
BOBO
(stubbornly)
One. Ingredient. Missing.
Must. Find It.
To. Save. Torqumada.
MOSQUITO
(takes a third, particularly vigorous suck)
Yeah, but what are the chances of…
Tight on – slow motion – the sunflower in the MOSQUITO’s leg. Slowly, rocking back and forth with a slowed-down sound like that of an avalanche, one yellow petal comes loose.
Then it breaks free. The camera follows it, the background blurring, as it turns over and over in midair, slowly fluttering towards the ground.
And then it falls in the mouth of the test tube.
Pan up – slo-mo shot of the MOSQUITO and BOBO staring in horror as the sunflower petal sinks into the bubbling green liquid.
BOBO
(angrily)
Fool. Now. Never. Save. Torqumada!
BOBO launches himself at the MOSQUITO and the two collide in midair. The MOSQUITO topples to the ground as BOBO wraps his tentacles around the MOSQUITO’s wings. They roll over and over, hitting each other with legs and tentacles.
MOSQUITO
(angrily)
Hey, we’d never have done it anyw-
(he catches sight of something out of the corner of 400,000 of his eyes)
What the-?!
BOBO looks up and follows the MOSQUITO’s gaze.
The test tube is no longer green and bubbling. Instead, it is GLOWING BLINDING WHITE!
BOBO
(confused)
Bobo. Not. Understand…
The MOSQUITO takes the opportunity to free himself.
There’s a flash of brilliant white light. The MOSQUITO slaps his legs over his compound eyes and BOBO does the same with his tentacles.
Then, as the light fades…
The test tube is now filled with perfectly colourless, oily fluid.
The spectrometer lets out a triumphant ‘DING!’ sound. The display reads:
FINAL REAGENT: LINOLEIC ACID
(ACTIVE INGREDIENT IN SUNFLOWER OIL)
CURE COMPLETE
MOSQUITO
(impressed)
Blood and nectar! We did it!
BOBO
Look.
The liquid POURS ITSELF out of the tube. And as they watch in wonder, it grows up and forms itself into the shape of a translucent, shimmering, hollow human figure, glowing slightly from the inside
MOSQUITO
(trembling)
Who are you?
GLOWING FIGURE
(deep voice)
I am…THE CURE.
(winks)
Though some call me Thermo.
BOBO and MOSQUITO take a step backward as THERMOPYLAE steps forward and bends over the prone TORQUMADA and THANDE.
BOBO
Not. Hurt. Torqumada!
MOSQUITO
Shh, I think he’s trying to help.
THERMOPYLAE
(grinning)
Trying? Hah!
He stares down at TORQUMADA and THANDE. After a few moments, we realise that he is not, in fact, staring at them, but at the green gas floating around them.
THERMOPYLAE
Stereotypes, eh?
(soft, threatening voice)
But stereotypes of what?
THERMOPYLAE puts a hand on each of TORQUMADA and THANDE’s foreheads and, as we watch, the fluidic surface of his being flows across them.
THERMOPYLAE
Stereotypes of Yorkshire and the American South, hmm?
But wait…
THERMOPYLAE withdraws one hand and snaps his fingers.
THERMOPYLAE
No Vikings!
No Kingdom of York!
No Yorkshire!
The green gas surrounding THANDE lets out a thin, high shriek, as though it is alive, and combusts, burning away to nothing.
Then THERMO withdraws his other hand and snaps those fingers.
THERMOPYLAE
Spanish colonise South Carolina!
No English colonisation of North America!
No American South!
Again, the virus burns away with a scream.
THERMOPYLAE takes a step back, smirking to himself and blowing on his fingers as though they’re gun barrels, while the MOSQUITO and BOBO look on in wonder.
THANDE gets up, rubbing his forehead, followed a moment later by TORQUMADA.
THANDE
What the hell was that?
TORQUMADA
Ugh…my head feels like there’s
been a supporter of gun control
and universal healthcare living inside it…
Both of them stare up at THERMOPYLAE.
THANDE
You’re…the cure?
THERMO
(makes to leave)
That’s right.
And I have work to do.
TORQUMADA
Wait!
Can you cure those affected by the virus
on the other worlds?
THERMO
(shaking his head)
Sorry—this is a well-designed virus.
It’s changed slightly between each use.
You’ll need a different cure per planet.
THANDE
But then we’ll have to start all over again!
And we won’t be resistant ourselves
to each new exposure!
THERMO
Well—if you get your hands on the original
design notes for the virus and the core RNA genome,
you might be able to develop a universal cure.
(grins)
And now, time to fix this world!
THANDE and TORQUMADA take a step back as THERMO leaps into the air. He grows and grows as he does so, his form spreading out and dissipating, until tiny particles of the Cure are flung outward.
EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE INFECTED EARTH
We see the wave of pearly light spreading out across the world, eradicating all the traces of green virus gas.
EXT. – DESERT ISLAND – DAY
THANDE and TORQUMADA are still staring upward, mouths agape.
TORQUMADA
Wow.
(turns to THANDE)
Hey, I thought we hadn’t quite got the Cure yet?
THANDE
(confused)
Maybe it just took some time to take effect.
(shrugs)
In the background, we can see the MOSQUITO and BOBO sniggering to themselves.
THE CURE begins to fall like rain.
TORQUMADA
Well, that’s this planet saved.
(sighs)
But now it all comes down to finding
the people who did this, and forcing them
to give up the source code.
THANDE
Yeah—well, maybe the others will manage it.
TORQUMADA
(doubtfully)
Maybe.
A long pause, interrupted by:
ROBERTP6165
(VO)
Hey!! Who tied me up?
(confused)
Why am I wearing a Confederate uniform?
(even more confused)
And why have I got a third ear growing in
the middle of my forehead?
(depressed)
Now I’ll have to suffer those lame ‘Final Front-ear’
jokes for the rest of my life!
THANDE and TORQUMADA look at each other and laugh.
Cut to:
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
The Hairplane emerges from a vortex and zooms out into space towards the distant Hollywood Earth.
Some signs of the earlier damage are still there, especially the bald patches where the hair has been burned away, but some damage has been patched over and the ship looks ready to fight.
INT. – HAIRPLANE – THRONE ROOM
JUSTIN PICKARD remains seated on his throne, staring avariciously at a screen showing the Earth as the Hairplane approaches it. The screen’s fitting is lost in the vast carpet of hair that surrounds it on all sides, like something alive.
The bald FELLATIO NELSON is standing on the front of PICKARD’s dais, giving orders, while RAN EXILIS sulks at the back.
FELLATIO NELSON
Hey, you! E.O.!
BLACKMAGE/EUIO
Who?
FELLATIO NELSON
(sighs)
Yeah, both of you–have you
installed those power upgrades
to the shield systems like I asked you?
BLACKMAGE/EUIO
Yes, sir.
FELLATIO NELSON
Good.
(to PICKARD)
We shall not suffer damage this time, Your Cugliness.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(smiles slightly)
Indeed.
(darkens)
Our holy mission shall not be interrupted a second time!
One of the BALD GOONS, CARL, is working a sensor console. He looks up as it beeps.
CARL
Your Villousness!
Two ships are detected in orbit!
(gulps)
They match the profiles of the ships
who attacked us at the previous timeline!
The BALD GOONS look worriedly at JUSTIN PICKARD, but he claps his hands lightly, once, and sports a dark grin.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Gooood…
(fondly, to FELLATIO NELSON)
Thanks to those upgrades, this
time we shall emerge victorious!
FELLATIO NELSON
Yes, sir!
As we watch, FELLATIO NELSON surreptitiously palms his small electronic device again. A red button is flashing slowly. His thumb is poised over it.
RAN EXILIS goes nervously up to JUSTIN PICKARD.
RAN EXILIS
Your Hairiness, should not our
first priority be the virus release?
JUSTIN PICKARD
(glares at him)
Silence, Hirsuite Prime!
For now at least…
(shakes his head)
They interrupted our crusade before!
They must be punished for that!
RAN EXILIS
(hangs head)
I obey…my lord.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(turns away, shouts orders)
Shields up! Prepare technobabblyon-particle cannons one and two!
(leans forward in chair)
And open a comm channel to them.
HOBELHOUSE
(at the comm station)
Yes, your Pilosity.
The TV screen shows the AH.com and German ships coming ever closer. Then it switches to a view of the AH.com ship’s bridge.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(loudly)
Unidentified ship!
This is Captain Jus-Tin Pickard of the Federation stars-
(shakes himself)
I have got to stop doing that.
(loudly)
Ahem, I mean, I am Captain Justin Pickard of the Hairplane!
You have tried to stand in the way of our holy quest and you
shall be destroyed in a pleasing, post-ironic fashion!
DOCTOR WHAT stands up on the screen.
DOCTOR WHAT
(hard voice)
Well—you virus-bombing, studenty-haired,
overly verbose loony—there’s only one response to that.
(nods)
Now!
As JUSTIN PICKARD looks confused, we pan down to FELLATIO NELSON. His thumb jabs down on the red button.
RAN EXILIS sees him do it.
RAN EXILIS
(angry)
You! What are you doin-
As he speaks, suddenly several consoles explode, showering HOBELHOUSE and GENERAL TIU with glass. They scream and fall back, thrashing, before messily bleeding to death. Flames and sparks go everywhere. Clumps of hair on the wall catch fire and JUSTIN PICKARD screams in sympathy.
RAN EXILIS, his face flaming, yanks out a gun.
RAN EXILIS
Traitor!
(to himself)
I knew I should have settled for that John Reynolds dude!
He fires, sending three balls of green technobabblyon energy across the room. FELLATIO NELSON dives off the dais and they pass over his head, slamming into the hairy walls and setting more hair on fire.
RAN EXILIS
I’ll get you, you…
Suddenly SNAKES OF HAIR curl across the floor and walls, wrapping themselves around both RAN EXILIS and FELLATIO NELSON. Both struggle to break free, but fail.
JUSTIN PICKARD, a maddened look in his eyes, stalks across the dais towards them.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(softly, to FELLATIO NELSON)
You…you betrayed me!
(and to RAN EXILIS)
And you recruited him!
You must be another bloody traitor!
RAN EXILIS tries to protest, but the hair is already wrapping around his throat.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(nastily)
I find your lack of faith in our quest…disturbing.
The hair coils tighten. Both FELLATIO NELSON and RAN EXILIS begin to choke and go blue in the face.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Shift off this mortal coil!
(smiles to himself)
Heh. A pun.
FELLATIO NELSON and RAN EXILIS go limp. However, as they do, the HAIRPLANE suddenly shudders and we hear more distant explosions.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(distracted)
What the-?!
As he turns away, the coils of hair loosen and FELLATIO NELSON and RAN EXILIS fall to the ground. However, neither of them move; they’re either dead or at least deeply unconscious. Both have bluing bruises around their throats.
JUSTIN PICKARD stares at the TV screen, frought with static. It shows the two ships heading towards him.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(barking)
Status!
CARL
(scanning his console desperately)
Shields are completely down!
JUSTIN PICKARD
(softly, still staring at screen)
No…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is still standing up. On the viewscreen we can see a series of small explosions breaking out across the Hairplane.
DOCTOR WHAT
Status?
GBW
(at sensor console)
Their shields register as zero.
KIT
(jubilantly)
He did it!
(glances down at console)
Oh…Acting-Kapitan Sinister
wants to know if we’re pressing the attack?
DOCTOR WHAT
(tugging shirt)
Damn right!
(to MATT)
Target their weapons only—we’re beaming our
people over there, remember.
MATT
With pleasure!
MATT works his console, and on the viewscreen, we see AH.com particle beams lancing out and hitting the Hairplane’s weapons arrays. The more nimble German ship flies in an arc around and pummels the same areas with its missiles.
DOCTOR WHAT
(to KIT)
Alert the teleporter room. It’s a go.
KIT nods.
INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
FLOCCULENCIO, STEFFEN and SUSANO are standing on the teleporter pads. G.BONE is now playing Solitaire.
G.BONE
(to himself)
I can’t remember the rules.
Maybe I’ll just put the cards in random
piles and then declare myself the winner.
(does so)
That was oddly satisfying.
The intercom bleeps. G.BONE starts.
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Justin’s shields are down! Energise!
At the sound of the name ‘Justin’, FLOCCULENCIO’s right eye suddenly starts twitching violently.
G.BONE
Uh, sure.
G.BONE presses random buttons on the console and the commando team vanishes with a pop. He shrugs and goes back to his Solitaire.
INT. – HAIRPLANE – THRONE ROOM – DAY
JUSTIN PICKARD looks on, incensed, as the AH.com and German ships fire.
CARL
Um, Your Villousness, some strange readings
emanating from the bigger ship-
JUSTIN PICKARD
(angrily)
Never mind!
Just power up weapons and shoot back!
EUIO and BLACKMAGE step gingerly over the bodies of GENERAL TIU and HOBELHOUSE, and start working the weapons consoles.
JUSTIN PICKARD settles back in his throne, glaring at the ships.
JUSTIN PICKARD
They will not win. They can’t win…
EXT. – SPACE –NEAR EARTH
We see the AH.com and German ship fire a barrage of weapons fire at the Hairplane. Explosions appear all along the hull of the ship, burning off clumps of hair.
TIGHT ON- HAIRPLANE’S CANNONS
They swivel and fire at point blank range as the two ships swing by.
EXT. –SPACE- NEAR EARTH
Two green energy balls slam into the German ship as it swings by. Its shields sparkle and its engines begin to sputter…then stop entirely.
Only momentum carries the German ship forward. The AH.Com ship turns and makes another pass at the Hairplane, as the German ship begins to drift helplessly…
INT. – MEDICAL BAY – DAY
We see WEAPON M and LUAKEL (both holding BFG) guarding a morose and bound NEK. The whole ship is shaking as we hear the sounds of distant explosions.
One explosion sounds a lot louder and closer. We hear a few distant screams.
HENDRYK appears in the doorway a minute or so later.
HENDRYK
Lee! I need your help!
We just had some plasma conduits blow up!
PSYCHOMELTDOWN is trapped under a big slab of metal
and we need some help getting him out!
WEAPON M
Psycho? Meh—that’s a tough break, man, but it’s not
like he’s useful for anything. I’ve got orders to stay here
and watch the prisoner. Get someone else to do it.
HENDRYK
IRONYUPPIE is trapped under it as well.
WEAPON M
Well, fuck man, why didn’t you say so earlier? Without her, we can’t have any fun watching LANDSHARK get abused!
(turns to go)
LUAKEL! Keep an eye on this NEK freak! We’ll be back in just a few minutes!
LUAKEL
Will do!
HENDRYK and WEAPON M run out, leaving LUAKEL behind.
NEK glances up, a brief smile on his face, before glancing down again.
INT. – AH. COM BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is in the command chair. LANDSHARK (still in his WW1 Reichswehr uniform) and MATT are at helm and weapons. GBW and KIT are at other stations.
The viewscreen shows multiple explosions appearing on the hull of the Hairplane.
DOCTOR WHAT
What’s happening to the German ship?
MATT
Their systems are totally kaput, but zey should be
up to full power in less than eine minute!
DOCTOR WHAT
(giving MATT a funny look for a brief second)
Sharky—keep us between the Hairplane and the Germans!
We gotta give them time to get their power back up!
LANDSHARK
Ja mein Kapitan! I vill show them that I am der uber-pilot!
MATT
And I will show them schwein-asshats not to mess vith us!
DOCTOR WHAT looks at LANDSHARK and MATT in utter confusion for a moment before shrugging his shoulders.
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
The ah.com ship and the Hairplane fly at each other, massive amounts of weaponsfire blasting at each other, The Hairplane’s energy balls slam again and again into the AH.com ship, causing its shields to sparkle and sputter and its power system to fluctuate. Multiple small explosions can be seen along the hulls of both ships. The Hairplane desperately attempts to dodge out of the way of the AH.com ship but the AH.com ship manages to match the more nimble Hairplane time and again.
The German ship can be seen in the background, still drifting.
INT. – GERMAN SHIP BRIDGE – DAY
The bridge is a mess, with numerous consoles damaged, and smoke everywhere. Acting Captain MAX SINISTER is in the command chair.
MAX SINISTER
Status! Vhere der hell iz mein weapons?!
We see a figure with his head buried in one of the consoles frantically making some kind of repairs. With a triumphal shout, he sticks his head out and faces MAX SINISTER.
It’s MICHAEL.
MICHAEL
(grinning)
Mein Kaptain! Ich bin ein Genie! Der System iz repaired und should be at zer full power einen ten seconds!
(lights up a cigar)
MAX SINISTER
Mein Gott! Das iz amazing!
(to CARLTON BACH)
All weapons! Fire on that schwein!
EXT. – GERMAN SHIP – DAY
The German ship – now almost fully powered up – starts to move towards the battle between the ah.com and the Hairplane.
INT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
STEFFEN, SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO are walking down a hair covered corridor.
The entire right side of FLOCCULENCIO’s face is twitching spastically. Every now and then, a low growl comes from him.
The whole ship shudders every few seconds as we hear the sounds of distant explosions.
STEFFEN
(looking at a scanner)
I am having trouble detecting ze schwein on zis ship!
SUSANO
Ve must find ze information on ze virus!
STEFFEN
(dangerous glint in his eyes)
Ja! But once ve haff zat information…
The three turn a corner to find themselves in an unoccupied computer room. The two Germans glance at one another and smile. SUSANO sits in front of one of the computer consoles and starts tapping in a few commands. He lets out a shout a few seconds later.
SUSANO
Kaptain! I’ve accessed ze main medical databanks!
I haff access to ze schematics of ze virus!
Its RNA structure, ze original design notes, ze timelines they’ve attacked,
different types of vaccines they haff—everything!
STEFFEN
Ve must give zis information to our ships!
(pulls out a communicator)
Zis iz Kapitan STEFFEN to –
INT. – AH.COM MED BAY –DAY
We see LUAKEL standing guard over NEK. Another explosion rattles the ah.com ship, causing the whole ship to shake violently, causing LUAKEL to stumble for a second or two.
NEK takes advantage of the distraction and, with an insane yell, suddenly rips through his bonds and leaps out of the chair and jumps at LUAKEL!
LUAKEL and NEK go down, screaming and clawing at each other. LUAKEL pushes NEK off and valiantly throws a few punches at him but NEK manages to somehow dodge out of the way of the punches before they connect. It’s as though he can predict LUAKEL’s every move.
LUAKEL
(throwing another punch and seeing NEK dodge once again out of the way)
How the hell are you doing that?!
NEK
(grinning maniacally)
Nighty-night!
NEK throws a punch at LUAKEL that hits him square in the face. LUAKEL falls onto his back, unconscious.
NEK
Must find Master….must return to him….
END ACT I
ACT II
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR – DAY
NEK rushes out the door and into the corridor. He looks frantically around for a few seconds and then rushes down a corridor.
CUT TO-
We see NEK running down a smoke filled corridor dimly lit with emergency lighting. He suddenly stops, does a double take and runs back the direction he just came from and stops in front of a door. The door reads –
EMERGENCY ESCAPE POD
SEATS FOUR COMFORTABLY
SEATS SIX UNCOMFORTABLY
CAN SEAT TEN … BUT ONLY IF THEY
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LIKE EACH OTHER
NEK grins and opens the door.
INT. – AH. COM BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT is standing up near the weapons/navigation consoles.
The ship is shaking as the battle intensifies. The viewscreen shows the Hairplane, its hull damaged in a dozen places, still blasting relentlessly away at the ah.com ship. A particularly powerful explosion rocks the ship and everyone clutches onto something to keep from falling.
DOCTOR WHAT
LEO! Status!
LEO
Shields at 21%!
(beat)
At current rates, shields will collapse within two minutes!
DOCTOR WHAT
Then we gotta knock out these bastards fast, don’t we!
Keep firing, Matt!
MATT
Jawohl mein Kapitan!
DOCTOR WHAT
(too distracted to notice MATT)
Sharky—what’s the status on the Daring Commando Team™-
The intercom suddenly crackles with static and then—
STEFFEN
Zis iz Kapitan STEFFEN to zer AH.kom ship!
Ve haff found ze information on ze virus!
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiling)
Alright! Captain—use the comm. to record all the
information and then transmit it to us! We’ll teleport
you guys out of there the first chance we get!
STEFFEN
(VO)
Ja! Ve vill be transmitting in just eine minute!
STEFFEN out!
Radio turns off.
DOCTOR WHAT
(looks up at LEO’s ‘eye’)
LEO! Record that information immediately!
LEO
Immediately? But my archive systems
are still damaged from the first battle.
(beat)
I’ll have to overwrite the data on my backup navicomp system…
DOCTOR WHAT
Just do it! We may not be able to teleport them out of there
for a few more minutes and I don’t want to miss this chance!
LEO
Very well.
(beat)
Hey—somebody just launched one of our escape pods…
DOCTOR WHAT
Wha-? …
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
We see the Hairplane and the AH.com ship exchanging massive amounts of weapons fire. The entire region of space here is practically glowing from all the explosions.
PULL OUT-
The German ship—now fully powered up—flying into the battlezone, its weapons lancing out and striking the Hairplane as well.
PULL OUT SOME MORE –
A small escape pod flying down towards the Earth, its trajectory putting it somewhere over the United States.
INT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
We see SUSANO holding a comm. in his hand. It makes an acknowledging beep.
SUSANO
Download complete, Kapitan!
STEFFEN
Transmit information to zer ah.com ship!
SUSANO
Ja!
SUSANO presses a few buttons on the comm.
TIGHT ON – COMM
“Transmitting file – 1% complete ”. A few seconds later we see the “1% ” change to “2% ”.
SUSANO
Zer file is being transmitted!
File transfer should only take only a few minutes!
An explosion rocks the ship.
STEFFEN
Let’s get ze fuck out of here!
SUSANO
Ja!
The three of them turn to leave—only to see CARL and REDEM at the doorway, weapons drawn.
CARL
Oh no—you’re not going anywhere!
REDEM
Drop your weapons!
SUSANO and STEFFEN glance at one another, look at FLOCCULENCIO, smile and nod.
SUSANO
(raising hands)
Sure thing—but just answer eine question.
STEFFEN
(raising hands)
Ja! Who iz your boss?
REDEM
The great one himself—JUSTIN PICKARD.
At the sound of Justin’s name, FLOCCULENCIO’s eyes snap open and he shakes his head violently. Seemingly coming out of a deep sleep, he blinks and looks around for the source of the name.
His red-rimmed eyes fixate on REDEM and CARL.
STEFFEN and SUSANO throw themselves to the ground as FLOCCULENCIO, screaming incoherently, charges at REDEM and CARL. Neither one of them even has a chance to react before FLOCCULENCIO tackles them and beats them into unconsciousness.
FLOCCULENCIO looks around, seemingly realizing for the first time where he is.
FLOCCULENCIO
Must…destroy…the…Great…Satan…
STEFFEN
Ja!
STEFFEN looks down at the comm.
TIGHT ON: COMM
“Transmitting file – 15% complete”.
The three leave the room.
CUT TO –
INT. – HAIRPLANE CORRIDOR – DAY
FLOCCULENCIO, STEFFEN and SUSANO are running down a corridor. FLOCCULENCIO is staring at the ship with an expression of vague interest.
FLOCCULENCIO
Hmmm- weird looking ship.
VOICE
(VO)
It’s not JUST a ship- it’s a Plane of Awesomeness!
FLOCCULENCIO, STEFFEN and SUSANO turn around in shock.
JUSTIN PICKARD is standing in the corridor, a look of pure fury in his eyes.
FLOCCULENCIO
No! It’s a Plane of Evil!
(snarling)
I curse your pallid visage, Pickard!
The three bring up their weapons but JUSTIN PICKARD waves his hands in a Jedi-like manner.
Long tentacles of hair erupt from the floor, the walls and even the ceiling and wrap themselves around the limbs of the three, trussing them up near the ceiling. Their weapons are yanked from their arms by yet more tentacles of hair. With a twist, the weapons are snapped in half and the pieces casually thrown away. STEFFEN drops his comm. and it falls onto the hair covered floor.
TIGHT ON: COMM
“Transmitting file – 35% complete ”.
TIGHT ON: JUSTIN PICKARD’s EYES
A look of confusion—turned quickly into pure hatred.
CUT TO:
JUSTIN PICKARD
You DARE to defy me?!
(snarls)
Enough of this foolishness!
A large tendril of hair comes out of the wall and forms itself into a mace-like object and hovers over the comm.
TIGHT ON: COMM
“Transmitting file – 40% complete ”.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(smiling evilly at STEFFEN)
Watch as your hopes die!
With a scream of pure fury, STEFFEN, with near-superhuman strength, rips his arms free of the tendrils of hair binding him and he falls to the ground.
JUSTIN PICKARD looks up, a brief glimpse of confusion and hesitation on his face.
STEFFEN gets up and, still screaming in fury, charges at JUSTIN and tackles him, knocking him to the ground.
With JUSTIN distracted, the Hair-Mace collapses into a simple clump of hair. The tendrils of hair holding SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO loosen ever so slightly. Both start screaming and yanking at their bounds as well.
TIGHT ON: COMM- “Transmitting file – 50% complete ”.
STEFFEN is savagely pummeling JUSTIN with several punches to the face. Just as it appears that JUSTIN is on the verge of unconsciousness-
-SNAKES OF HAIR erupt from a wall, wrapping themselves around STEFFEN’s throat. STEFFEN begins to choke and go blue in the face as JUSTIN begins to slowly stand up.
SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO, with a final scream, tear loose from their bounds, and fall to the ground. Behind them, unseen by them, a large clump of hair in the shape of a giant fist begins to form.
TIGHT ON: COMM- “Transmitting file – 65% complete ”.
STEFFEN lashes out with a kick in sheer desperation—which connects to JUSTIN’s groin. JUSTIN screams.
The giant hair fist falls apart into clumps of loose hair strands.
SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO stand up and charge at JUSTIN.
With a maddened look in his eyes, JUSTIN throws STEFFEN against a bulkhead using the tendril of hair and turns to face SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO.
A large tentacle of hair, two feet wide, lashes out from a wall and knocks SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO off their feet and throws them backwards. They slide twenty feet along the floor on their backs before coming to a stop, gasping for breath.
JUSTIN walks forward a few feet, pure insanity in his eyes. More tendrils of hair come out of the walls and wrap themselves around the chests of SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO and pull them closer to their respective walls.
SUSANO is now firmly stuck to the right hand side of the corridor wall, while FLOCCULENCIO is firmly stuck to the left hand side of the corridor wall.
JUSTIN turns to look at the comm., still on the floor.
TIGHT ON: COMM- “Transmitting file – 99% complete ”.
There is a loud BEEP
It changes to: “100% complete –file successfully transmitted ”
TIGHT ON: JUSTIN face looking on in anger
JUSTIN PICKARD
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
JUSTIN’s screams seem to make every clump of hair shake—and loosen. SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO fall to the ground, stunned and injured and still slumped against the walls.
FLOCCULENCIO’s bottle of S(a)tanic Appletini falls out of his pocket and onto the ground. He looks at it in surprise and glances at all the hair around him—-and smiles. He pulls out his cigarette case and reaches down to pick the bottle just as JUSTIN turns around.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(screaming)
I’ll kill you with my bare hands, Heretic!
With a smile, FLOCCULENCIO opens the cigarette case—and gasps as he pulls out, not a lighter, but a piece of paper instead.
CLOSE-UP – PIECE OF PAPER
“IOU one lighter”
-signed MICHAEL
FLOCCULENCIO
That Aussie bastard!
SUSANO
(VO)
Heads up!
FLOCCULENCIO raises his head to see SUSANO holding a large silver plated cigarette lighter. He throws it at FLOCCULENCIO –just as JUSTIN begins to run toward the two of them.
TIGHT ON:
Cigarette lighter tumbling end over end in slow motion through the air.
JUSTIN’s hands reaching out towards FLOCCULENCIO.
The cigarette lighter landing into FLOCCULENCIO’s outstretched hand.
With a flick of the lighter, the bottle of S(a)tanic Appletini bursts into flames and FLOCCULENCIO throws it right into JUSTIN PICKARD’s face.
With an awe inspiring ‘FWOOSH’ sound, JUSTIN PICKARD’s hair covered body bursts into flames!
The hair covered corridor begins to smolder—and then it too bursts into flames! Seconds later, large sections of the walls and ceiling begin to smolder.
JUSTIN collapses to the floor, burning. A moment later the entire floor collapses, sending JUSTIN’s burning body crashing into the room below…
INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONEROOM – DAY
EUIO and BLACKMAGE are still at the weapons and navigation consoles. The static filled viewscreen shows the AH.com ship and German ship pounding away mercilessly at the Hairplane.
We see the unmoving bodies of FELLATIO NELSON and RAN EXILIS lying near the throne near the rear of Throne Room.
EUIO
(glancing up in surprise)
Hey—you smell something burning?
BLACKMAGE
(glancing up)
Yeah—weird smell—like…burning hair?
And what’s that strange crashing sound….?
JUSTIN’s burning body, followed by a large chunk of the floor from above, falls through the ceiling and crashes onto the two of them, crushing both them and their consoles.
Through the viewscreen, we see the Hairplane suddenly shudder and start spinning out of control…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
Wha—?
(beat)
What the hell you mean an emergency
escape pod has been launched?
Who’s in it?
LEO
I am detecting one life sign in the pod—
belonging to the prisoner identified as NEK.
DOCTOR WHAT
(hitting button on command chair)
G.BONE! I need you to do an emergency teleport of that escape pod pronto!
INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
We see G.BONE staring in a book titled ‘Where’s Waldo?’.
CAMERA SWINGS— to show the page he’s looking at.
The page is completely blank—except for a single figure of a man wearing a red and white striped shirt in the exact center of the page.
G.BONE
(to himself)
Hmmmm…this is a tough one…
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
G.Bone!
I need you to do an emergency teleport
of that escape pod pronto!
G.BONE glances up in confusion for a second and hits a button on the console.
G.BONE
No can do, Doc!
We had a whole bunch of conduits blow up!
The range of the teleporter is -
INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY
G.BONE
(VO)
—barely 30% of normal. Sorry Doc!
You have to get us closer if you want me to do it.
And I can’t do it anyway unless you drop the shields.
DOCTOR WHAT
Matt? Landshark?
MATT
Nein! That schweinhund still shooting is
making it dangerous to drop ze shields!
LANDSHARK
Pull away?
(incredulously)
At ze moment uff eine glorious triumph to go capture an annoying und useless teenager? Vith der German ship finally doing zer useful thing? NEIN!
DOCTOR WHAT swears under his breath.
LEO
Ah—the Daring Commando Team™ are
transmitting information on the virus.
(beat)
Excellent-it’s already at 10% complete.
(beat)
Hmmmm…useful information…
(beat)
Very useful information indeed…
DOCTOR WHAT
Useful enough to make a cure?
LEO
Information is still being transmitted at the moment
but if the information they send us is as detailed as I
think it is, then yes—a cure can be created.
DOCTOR WHAT
By anybody?
LEO
Yes.
DOCTOR WHAT
Really anybody?
LEO
Yes.
DOCTOR WHAT
Really, really anybody?
LEO
Yes.
There is a long pause.
DOCTOR WHAT
Really, really, really anybody?
LEO
(exasperated tone of voice)
Yes—even a brain-dead chimpanzee will be able
to make a universal cure for the virus
with the information that’s being transmitted.
There is a very long pause.
DOCTOR WHAT
Partially brain-dead or totally brain-dead chimpanzee?
LEO
Totally brain-dead.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Huzzah! There’s hope for us yet!
The entire crew cheer and high-five one another.
LEO
(muttering under his breath)
Damn fleshbags.
(beat)
File has been successfully received.
Overwriting navicomp data…
The ship rocks for a few seconds as several distant explosions can be heard.
DOCTOR WHAT hops back into his command chair.
DOCTOR WHAT
Status on the Hairplane!
LEO
The Hairplane has suffered major damage but is still continuing the fight.
(beat)
The Hairplane is outside teleporter range.
We are unable to teleport the commando team out at the moment.
DOCTOR WHAT
MATT! Keep firing at those weapon systems!
We gotta knock them out so we can get our team out!
MATT
Ja! Eat ze particle beams, schweinen!
The viewscreen shows several explosions appear on the hull of the Hairplane.
Suddenly, the Hairplane flies out of control and shoots past the ah.com ship, twisting and tumbling.
DOCTOR WHAT
What the fuck? Leo—what happened?
LEO
The Hairplane has suffered a catastrophic loss of both helm and weapons systems.
(beat)
Oh dear—it appears to be flying straight towards the Earth.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
We see the Hairplane fly at tremendous speed towards the Earth. As we watch, it begins to hit the outer atmosphere of the planet and have its hull slowly start heating up as its trajectory takes it over the United States.
INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE –DAY
The bridge crew watch in horror as the Hairplane heads towards the Earth.
DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! Are we in range for the teleporters?
LEO
Negative.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grim look)
Power dive! Get us after that ship!
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
We see the AH.Com ship fly straight towards the Earth. Its hull starts to heat up as it plunges into the atmosphere after the Hairplane.
INT. – HAIRPLANE –DAY
The entire corridor is filled with smoke and there is a rather large hole in the center of it. Flames and electrical sparks can dimly be seen emanating from the hole.
SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO stand up.
FLOCCULENCIO
(staring down at hole)
Huzzah! The Vile one is gone! That was great work, STEFFEN!
(beat)
STEFFEN?
FLOCCULENCIO looks over to see SUSANO looking at STEFFEN’s prone body. SUSANO turns to FLOCCULENCIO, looking pale.
FLOCCULENCIO
Is he…is he…?
SUSANO just shakes his head.
FLOCCULENCIO
(quiet voice)
Damn…
The Hairplane begins to shake violently.
SUSANO
I fear ve vill be joining him soon….
FLOCCULENCIO
No way! Those guys have a teleporter!
All we have to do is contact them on the comm. and they’ll
be able to lock in on us and get us out of here!
SUSANO
Der comm? Zat vould be der device zat fell into zer hole vith Pickard, ja?
FLOCCULENCIO
Oh shit…..
SUSANO
(slinging STEFFEN’s body over his shoulder)
VE must find a way off zer ship!
They run down a corridor while the shaking gets worse.
EXT. – EARTH ATMOSPHERE – DAY
The Hairplane is plunging through the atmosphere, friction completely burning away what few clumps of hair had remained on the hull of the ship. A massive fireball is forming around the ship as it continues its descent.
Its trajectory is taking it towards the Midwestern part of the United States.
A few seconds later, trailing a massive fireball of its own, is the AH.com ship flying after the Hairplane.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP CONTROL ROOM – DAY
The entire ship is shaking violently. The viewscreen shows nearly a solid wall of flames surrounding the ah.com ship.
DOCTOR WHAT
Time to impact!
LEO
100 seconds!
DOCTOR WHAT
Time till teleporter range!
LEO
90 seconds!
(beat)
Doc—at this speed we might not be able to pull out of the dive in time!
DOCTOR WHAT
Then we better catch up to them sooner! Faster!
(hitting a button on chair)
G.Bone! We’re going to be cutting this very close!
Get ready to beam them out!
G.BONE
(VO)
I’m detecting multiple human signs but I can’t get a lock on their specific signs!
DOCTOR WHAT
Then just beam every human off that ship—we’ll sort them out later!
EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
The Hairplane is flying low over a heavily forested landscape, its engines on fire and the plane itself listing to one side, totally out of control. It leaves a trail of black smoke behind it, partly from the remaining clumps of hair burning.
It is heading straight towards a group of large hills in the distance.
INT. – HAIRPLANE- DAY
We see SUSANO (still carrying STEFFEN’s body over his shoulder) and FLOCCULENCIO running through a corridor. They come to a stop at a dead-end.
SUSANO
Gott im Himmel!
Vat kind uff dumbkoft doesn’t built ze ezcape pods in zer ship!
Ve Germans vould haff built a dozen escape pods for zis ship!
FLOCCULENCIO
(faraway look in his eyes)
So—as it was prophesized…the Two will meet—Prophet and Heretic-
and destroy each other and a New Age of the Goatist will emerge…
FLOCCULENCIO shakes his head.
FLOCCULENCIO
(a bit sadly)
Oh—to be a simple Singaporean Man of Leisure once again…
INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY
The viewscreen shows the ship to be VERY close to the surface of the ground.
DOCTOR WHAT
G.Bone!!!
G.BONE
(VO)
Teleporting—-now!
INT. – HAIRPLANE- DAY
We see SUSANO and FLOCCULENCIO disappear with a loud ‘pop’.
INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM – DAY
We see the still-unconscious RAN EXILIS and FELLATIO NELSON disappear with a loud ‘pop’.
INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY
G.BONE
(VO)
Got them all!
DOCTOR WHAT
Sharky—full speed ascent!
LANDSHARK
Jawohl!
The entire ship—with an incredible groaning sound of protesting metal– suddenly tilts upwards. Most of the bridge crew are knocked back into their seats.
The viewscreen shows clouds streaking past the ship. Dimly visible ahead of them is the black trail of smoke with the Hairplane at the head, but it slides towards the bottom of the screen and vanishes as LANDSHARK struggles to pull up.
INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM- DAY
We see the debris from the collapsed ceiling in a pile. Suddenly, a few pieces shift and tumble away from the pile.
Emerging from the pile of debris is—
JUSTIN PICKARD.
He is horribly burnt and severely injured. He slowly stands up, swaying unsteadily. He looks around.
JUSTIN PICKARD
I…live!
He glances up at the static-filled view-screen. It shows a large and very familiar looking mountain directly in front of the Hairplane.
MOUNT RUSHMORE!
JUSTIN PICKARD
(incongruously cheerful)
Ah—post-modern irony….
EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
We see the Hairplane slam at high speed directly into Mount Rushmore.
PULL OUT-
We see a massive explosion appear on the horizon.
PULL OUT MORE-
We see an escape pod lying on the banks of a small river. NEK is standing next to it. He glances up to see the explosion appear on the horizon.
NEK
(shocked voice)
Master?
NEK collapses to his knees in tears.
EXT. – EARTH ORBIT – DAY
We see the AH.com ship come streaking out of the atmosphere at high speed. After a few seconds, it slows down and enters into orbit around the Earth. A few moments later, the German ship comes into view.
INT. – AH.COM CONTROL ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
G.BONE! Report!
G.BONE
We’ve got the whole team. They look pretty beat up.
(beat)
And Captain Steffen didn’t make it.
Reactions, as everyone looks around the room.
G.BONE
We have his body here…I…
DOCTOR WHAT
(licking his lips)
Beam…beam it to the cargo bay…
when you’ve got a moment, G.Bone…
and we’ll send it to the Germans later…
G.BONE
(solemn for once)
Yessir.
(beat)
Plus we’ve got a few unconscious prisoners.
DOCTOR WHAT
Is Pickard with them?
G.BONE
Nope. Guess he was still on the ship.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
Good riddance, as far as I’m concerned.
(breathes out a sigh of relief)
(smiles)
Great job everyone! Well done!
That was fucking amazing piloting skills there Landshark!
LANDSHARK
Ja! Ich bin ein Ubermensch!
DOCTOR WHAT looks at LANDSHARK with a utterly confused expression and then shakes his head.
DOCTOR WHAT
(muttering to himself)
Always knew Erikka’s activities would destroy
what few brain cells he had sooner or later.
(beat; normal voice)
Ok people—we’ve got work to do!
We have people hurt, prisoners to tie up, a ship to fix…
INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
G.BONE is staring at STEFFEN’s body.
G.BONE
He’s really …?
SUSANO
(sadly)
Ja.
(beat)
But his sacrifice vas not in vain—
ve got der cure und ve destroyed the ship
und ve even captured zum prisoners because uff him!
FLOCCULENCIO
I’ll drink to that!
FLOCCULENCIO pulls out his bottle of S(a)tanic Appletini and takes a generous gulp.
SUSANO
(staring at FLOCCULENCIO in confusion)
Did you not use zat bottle as ein Molotov cocktail?
How iz it still in your possession?
FLOCCULENCIO
(shrugging shoulders)
Beats me—guess two wrongs make a right!
G.BONE
(confused look)
One thing I’m unclear on.
I’m pretty sure that I detected three life signs in the
bridge of the Hairplane just before it crashed.
But only two appeared here.
I specifically ordered the computer to beam
over all humans onto the ship.
So why wasn’t he beamed over?
FLOCCULENCIO
Guess it’s true—he really wasn’t human!
FLOCC turns, smiles and walks out the room, drinking his appletini. On his way out, he passes KIT coming in.
KIT
(seeing the prone bald FELLATIO NELSON)
Agh! Are you all right, Fell?
KIT pulls out a medical kit and quickly revives the two bald unconscious figures, RAN EXILIS and FELLATIO NELSON.
RAN EXILIS
(confused)
Where…where am I…what happened…?
SUSANO
(angrily)
You vill kommen viz me!
SUSANO grabs the dazed RAN EXILIS and frogmarches him out of the room.
SUSANO
(in a distant, echoing murmur)
I vill teach you treacherous Nederlansch
scum not to take part in zer glorious
Grossdeutschen unification…
As the sound fades, KIT cradles the still dazed FELLATIO NELSON’s head in his lap. G.BONE, diplomatically, teleports STEFFEN’s body to the cargo bay and then walks out himself, leaving them alone.
KIT
(in soft tones)
Don’t worry, you’ll be alright, Fell,
as soon as I revive you with some of my
(smiles to himself)
Special medicine.
FELLATIO NELSON watches him with only half-focused eyes as KIT stands facing him, away from our POV, and we hear a distinct ‘ZIP!’ sound.
EXT. – CORRIDOR OUTSIDE TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
Sound effects: crashes, bangs, metallic clangs.
FELLATIO NELSON
(VO)
AAAARGHPLEASENONONONONO-URGH!
As we watch, a figure walks up to the teleporter room door and goes in.
INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
KIT is looking hurt and smoking a cigarette while FELLATIO NELSON hugs his legs to his chest and shakes back and forth, looking psychologically traumatised.
KIT
(tuts)
I knew you went through a lot on that ship, Fell,
but that’s really no excuse for…
KIT trails off as the doors open and he looks up at the new figure.
KIT
(unbelieving)
Wha…?!
FELLATIO NELSON – another FELLATIO NELSON, this one with a full head of hair and wearing his uniform seen before – swaggers into the room.
KIT
But…?!
FELLATIO NELSON
(smiles)
Ah. I comprehend your confusion, my
column of Celtic cugliness.
(nods at the shaking, bald FELLATIO NELSON)
The man who helped you here was not
myself, as it happens, but my twin brother.
As he had already lost his hair in a bizarre
paprika accident, I thought him perfect for the role.
(beat)
In other words, he was a Bald Imposter.
KIT
But…you mean…?
FELLATIO NELSON
Ah yes, as it happens, he does not…share our views.
KIT
(pouting)
But that means I wasted myself on him!
THE BALD IMPOSTER
(quietly)
Get me out…get me out of here…
please let me go back to the nice
hairy psychopath who only wants
to crush the life out of me…
FELLATIO NELSON
(with a grin)
Well, as it happens, I’m feeling a little faint myself…
KIT
(grinning)
Well, in that case, your friend Baldie
can just remain in the role of…a spectator.
Tight on – THE BALD IMPOSTER’s face as he weakly pulls a Viking helmet out of his pocket and, as we hear two ‘ZIP!’ noises in quick succession, uses the points of the horns to stab himself in the eyes, fork-style.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH – DAY
With the Hollywood Earth rotating slowly below, looking green, blue and pleasant, the AH.com and German ships drift through space. Both ships have damage scoring down their sides.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
Clearly some time has passed; a serene-looking FLOCCULENCIO is back at the sensor station, for instance. DOCTOR WHAT is pacing back and forth.
DOCTOR WHAT
(addressing the ceiling)
So, the drive’s repaired, then?
DAVE HOWERY
(VO)
That’s right, Doc—fortunately the
Blue Schvädeschüz armour meant
we didn’t take much permanent damage.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good. By the way-what’s the status on that escape pod that was launched earlier?
DAVE HOWERY
(VO)
We found the pod about 50 miles from the impact area
and Lee tracked some footprints to a nearby cave,
but he lost the trail after that point.
He figures that Nek collapsed the entrance behind him,
trapping himself in the cave forever.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding head)
Good—one less freak we have to worry about.
(beat)
Now all we need to do is tie up some loose ends…
EXT. – LOS ANGELES – DAY
Most of the AH.commers and Germans, along with Professor ZOOMAR and many other inhabitants of this Earth, all stand solemnly as an organ plays deep, melancholy music.
In the background, we can see what remains of the Hollywood sign after the ravages of the past: several letters have been knocked out so it now just reads LLYW.
KIT
(looking up)
Hmm, I’ve been there…
DOCTOR WHAT
(elbowing him)
Shhh!
DOCTOR WHAT watches as four pall bearers – two planetary natives, FLOCCULENCIO, and SUSANO – carry forward a coffin with the German flag draped over the top, and lower it into the ground.
DOCTOR WHAT nudges MAX SINISTER, standing next to him.
DOCTOR WHAT
(hisses)
Why aren’t you taking him back to Deutscherwelt?
MAX SINISTER
(shaking his head)
He alvays vanted to be buried
on zer planet vhere ve finally
brought zer virus’ reign of terror to an End.
DOCTOR WHAT nods in understanding as the Germans all take a step forward and salute their fallen captain, then begin spading earth back into the pit. FLOCCULENCIO, a thoughtful expression on his face, helps them.
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
We see two shuttles going to the AH.com and German ships.
INT. – GERMAN SHIP – BRIDGE
SUSANO, along with some of the other Germans, steps back onto the bridge and they resume their positions. The bridge is still battle-scarred but MICHAEL and CARLTON BACH are repairing it again.
SUSANO
Hail zer AH.kom ship.
OBDERDADA
Jawohl…
DOCTOR WHAT appears on the screen.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
We’re leaving for the world where
we left my ship’s doctor and chemist.
(beat)
Leo says they should be able to mix up
those vaccines that Captain Steffen got
from the Hairplane’s computer.
SUSANO
He did not die in vain.
DOCTOR WHAT
No, indeed.
(coughs)
So, if you would accompany us through
this vortex, and then we can send Mr Alayta back to the…
(pause)
By the way, what is the name of your ship?
SUSANO
(smiling)
It vas simply called Zer “Me-2358114/X5”.
DOCTOR WHAT
Catchy.
SUSANO
But…I zink from zis day forth it shall haff ein new Name.
(pause)
Zer “Kapitan Steffen”.
DOCTOR WHAT nods.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH – DAY
The two ships emerge from a vortex above a different Earth, with the Caribbean visible below.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM
DOCTOR WHAT
OK, get me Thande and Torq,
let’s see what they’re up to…
FLOCCULENCIO
Actually—they’re already hailing us…
DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugs)
Okay…
On the screen, the interior of a shuttle cockpit appears. A rattled-looking THANDE and TORQUMADA are in the front seats and the MOSQUITO and BOBO are in the back, obviously trying not to laugh.
DOCTOR WHAT
What are you doing?
THANDE
Um, waiting for you…
DOCTOR WHAT
But what about this planet?
TORQUMADA
(coughs)
Umm, we, er, managed to make up a cure…
The MOSQUITO and BOBO both let out loud snorts.
THANDE
…only suitable for the specific strain
of virus on this world, though.
DOCTOR WHAT
(smiles)
Well, come on back, and we’ll
see about you making up some
of the general cures and vaccines we’ve found.
TORQUMADA
Will do.
THANDE
By the way, we found out that the
Germans might spread the virus to
you if you spent any prolonged time
in contact with them…
DOCTOR WHAT opens his mouth to reply, but both LANDSHARK and MATT stand up indignantly. Both are now wearing WW1 Reichswehr uniforms and are sporting Kaiser Bill moustaches.
MATT
(angry)
Scheisse! Mein Kapitan, vhere is zer evidence fur zis?
LANDSHARK
(nodding)
Ja! Und as if ve vould spend Time in kontakt
viz zer verdammt Krauts in any Case!
DOCTOR WHAT opens and closes his mouth a few times, then diplomatically turns and leaves the bridge.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – MEDICAL BAY/LABORATORY
The Germans and AH.commers all wait around impatiently, while THANDE and TORQUMADA rush around from one area of the lab to the other, mixing things, distilling things, adding things to other things and generally making a mess. BOBO floats past with a test tube rack balanced on top of his cerebral cortex, and THANDE whips out all eight test tubes in quick succession and, as though playing darts, sloshes them with pinpoint accuracy into different flasks. Meanwhile, TORQUMADA grabs the MOSQUITO around the neck and, squeezing his head, uses his piercing mouthparts as a giant pipette to move some liquid from one flask to another. The MOSQUITO’s compound eyes bulge.
DOCTOR WHAT
How long is this going to take?
LEO CAESIUS
(VO)
The recipe is relatively simple
(beat)
Damned fleshbags…
GBW
(puzzled)
How did you manage to store all the data,
Leo? I thought you said before that your
main computer archives had been damaged…?
LEO CAESIUS
Well, as I keep trying to tell the captain, I had to-
THANDE
(interrupting)
Ah!
He raises a single test tube in which is a glowing, almost colourless fluid.
TORQUMADA
(nodding)
Done!
DOCTOR WHAT
Great!
SUSANO
Zere vere many possible cures,
vhich von is zis?
THANDE nods at the sullen-looking bald RAN EXILIS in the corner, tied up.
THANDE
The one which Pickard used to
vaccinate all his own men against the virus.
SUSANO
(doubtful)
So you mean zat he does not haff zer Stereotypica virus?
Everyone turns to look at RAN EXILIS, who’s muttering to himself.
RAN EXILIS
Get even…wait till I have shome legal cannabis
and then marry my disabled lesbian shister
while eating a ham toashtie and playing shome
crazhy funky rock and roll…
TORQUMADA
No-o, apparently he’s just like that anyway.
Everyone shrugs.
THANDE
And now…
(dramatically)
The cure!
THANDE throws the test tube in the air and the colourless liquid turns into a gas, spreading throughout the room. All the Germans, along with MICHAEL, DMA, MATT and LANDSHARK, collapse as the cure runs through them.
Everyone watches anxiously as LANDSHARK slowly gets up.
LANDSHARK
What the bloody hell are you lot
all looking at?
(looks down at uniform)
Ugh! Why am I wearing such a
monochromatic and poorly coordinated
and, more to the point, continental, outfit?
LANDSHARK rips the uniform off in several savage moves. Everyone except IRONYUPPIE averts their eyes.
DIAMOND
(quickly puts on Stevie Wonder sunglasses)
I admit that I normally persuade you lot that
not wearing pants is a good idea, but for you,
Landie, I’ll make an exception.
LANDSHARK
(angrily)
Silence, you damned colonial!
Everyone looks relieved.
GBW
It works…
DAVE HOWERY
(nudging him)
Look!
SUSANO slowly rises to his feet.
SUSANO
Well. That was an experience.
(pauses, looks confused)
Well. That. Well. That…
(smiles)
Well that wily thespian Welshman threw weapons
that warped the warts!
KIT
(confused)
I did what?
MAX SINISTER
He is right! We no longer
have that stupid comedy accent!
(smiles)
We are cured!
SUSANO
(nodding)
All right. Set a course for Deutscherwelt-
we have a planet to fix!
Everyone cheers and the Germans walk out, pausing to say goodbye to MICHAEL, while the AH.commers do the same to ALAYTA.
EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE DEUTSCHERWELT
Another vortex opens and the two ships come out again, this time above Deutscherwelt.
EXT. – UBER-BERLIN – ABOVE WELTSTAG – DAY
The same view we saw earlier, with the huge towers linked together by the larger version of the Brandenburg Gate. We see two small flickers of light and two tiny pops as two people teleport down to a landing pad, then walk into the huge complex.
INT. – WELTSTAG CHAMBER – DAY
Once more, the huge Weltstag chamber is packed with representatives. We slowly pan down the main path into the chamber as DOCTOR WHAT and SUSANO walk up it, to the podium. KABRALOTH stands anxiously atop this, while ALBIDOOM, facing him, looks skeptical.
KABRALOTH
You haff returned vonce again!
But…
(his eyes search back and forth)
Vhere is Kapitan Steffen?
SUSANO
(voice breaks)
He gave his life so that we could
find the cure, Chancellor.
KABRALOTH
(puzzled)
Is somezing strange about
your akzent…
SUSANO
(patiently)
The cure, Chancellor.
ALBIDOOM
(folds arms)
I vill believe it vhen I see it.
SUSANO
Then see!
SUSANO pulls out another test tube of clear liquid and throws it into the air. Once more, the liquid turns to gas and spreads throughout the room, and then beyond. DOCTOR WHAT watches in wonder as the German politicians slump in their chairs, looking alarmed, and little wisps of green virus gas spill from their mouths before burning up. KABRALOTH manages to hang onto his podium, his eyes crossing as the cure flares within.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, Chancellor, are you OK?
KABRALOTH
Sure…I’m…
(blinks)
Hey, what’s with this ‘Chancellor’?
(looks around in confusion)
And where am I?
(even more confused)
This ain’t the Apollo theatre!
My boss’ll have my hide!
DOCTOR WHAT watches, open-mouthed, as KABRALOTH, shaking his head, clambers over the podium and walks out of the Weltstag.
DOCTOR WHAT
But…?
SUSANO
I told you—the virus turned everyone on Deutscherwelt
to Germans, but now we’ve reversed it…
And as he speaks, more politicians stand up, looking confused, and walk out. Perhaps a third of them stay where they are.
DOCTOR WHAT
So—who’s the most senior politician
who was a German to begin with?
SUSANO
(sudden realisation)
Oh shit.
He turns around to see ALBIDOOM standing up, his eyes flaming.
ALBIDOOM
(pointing at SUSANO)
You! Political traitor! What are you doing here?
You must be locked up immediately! Guards! Seize him!
DOCTOR WHAT
(glancing at SUSANO)
Hasty retreat?
SUSANO
Danke.
DOCTOR WHAT clicks his comm and both he and SUSANO disappear with a pop. ALBIDOOM looks confused and then shakes his head, dismissing it.
ALBIDOOM
Never mind.
(addresses remaining Weltstag)
That damned virus interrupted our war!
Now we shall go on to win it, for the Fatherland!
POLITICIANS
(in chorus)
For the Fatherland!
ALBIDOOM
Now, I have high hopes for that war-winning
operation we were planning at the time
the virus came…what was it called again?
(smiles)
Oh yes.
Operation Sealion!
The assembled politicians cheer.
EXT. – ABOVE DEUTSCHERWELT – DAY
We can see the AH.com ship and the Kapitan Steffen orbiting the planet. Below, tiny explosions are already visible across Britain and Germany as the bombing raids resume.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM
G.BONE stands back as DOCTOR WHAT, looking furious, gets off the teleporter pad. SUSANO still stands there.
DOCTOR WHAT
I can’t believe they did that!
After all we went through to help them,
and now they’re just going back to
their stupid war!
SUSANO
And we are branded as traitors.
DOCTOR WHAT
(even more annoyed)
And we didn’t get that booze and porn!
(pause)
Look—if you want, we can send down some
of our men, use our advanced technology to
win the war quickly for the Allies and then-
SUSANO
(laughs)
What do you think this is, a novel by Chris?
(shakes his head)
No. We must work this out for ourselves.
And as for we on the Kapitan Steffen…
We still have a mission. We must take the cure
to all the planets infected by the virus, until it
was as though Pickard had never been.
DOCTOR WHAT takes a step back and nods in respect at SUSANO’s determination.
SUSANO
…and as it happens, we have plenty
of booze and porn on our ship anyway…
DOCTOR WHAT
(grins)
Nah – it doesn’t matter. I just remembered,
we’ve got something even better to look forward to.
(nods to G.BONE)
OK, send the man back to his ship.
SUSANO
(clicks heels together)
Jawohl, Mein Kapitan!
DOCTOR WHAT gives him a funny look.
SUSANO
(shrugs)
Okay, I admit it, zer stupid komedy akzent
is beginning to grow on me.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Godspeed.
G.BONE presses a button and SUSANO disappears with a pop.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM
DOCTOR WHAT steps back onto the bridge, looking strangely serene. As he does so, we catch a glimpse of the main screen. The Kapitan Steffen vanishes into a vortex.
FLOCCULENCIO
The Germans have left.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
OK—Dave, how are the engines?
Cut to:
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINE ROOM
We see DAVE HOWERY talking into the intercom.
DAVE HOWERY
We’ll have to jury-rig a few things, but
they seem to be holding.
DAVE HOWERY glances behind him. We see that an important-looking cable is sheared in two, with sparks coming from both ends. Slightly off to one side, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, a cast on his leg, is reclining on a lounger while KEIRA KNIGHTLEY rubs baby oil all over his body. MICHAEL looks strangely happy with this state of affairs.
MICHAEL
Want another tequila chaser?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, but lay off the salt.
(makes a face)
I’m amazed Dave let Keira rub oil on me,
though the Sheep knows I deserve it after
that wall fell on my leg-
MICHAEL
(grins)
Well, he said something about increasing your
electrical conductivity…
PSYCHO’s gaze tracks from MICHAEL, to the sparking cable ends, to his broken leg.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh shit…
Cut to:
END ACT II
TAG
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM
KIT
We’ll need to go to the Hub to let
the Nelson twins off, Doc.
(smirks to himself)
DOCTOR WHAT
OK, but that can wait.
(turns around, faces the bridge)
Look, you guys know I’m not much of
a one for speeches, but I want to say how
proud I am of what we achieved back there.
(beat)
We faced down a serious enemy and with
a level of cool, calm military professionalism
that I could never have hoped for when you
bunch of losers joined the crew, indeed, such
hopeless piles of-
MATT
We get the picture.
DOCTOR WHAT
-yeah, anyway.
(smiles)
And now it’s time for our reward.
(looks upward)
Leo, you still got the coordinates for
that timeline with all the scantily clad
big-bosomed women whose entire male
population has been killed off and they
need us to mate with all of them?
LEO CAESIUS
No.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good! Then set a course and-
(long, deadly pause)
What do you mean, “no”?!!
LEO CAESIUS
I believe the meaning of the word is clear
enough, though if you prefer, I can give its
equivalent in over six million languages-
DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
I told you to save those coordinates!
LEO CAESIUS
And I told you that my main navicomp
data was corrupted and to store the virus
data I’d have to overwrite the backup!
(puts on long-suffering voice)
But of course you self-important fleshbags
are too important to care what a lowly
genius-intellect computer thinks-
DOCTOR WHAT
Sorry, let me get this clear.
You. Do. Not. Have. The. Coordinates.
(pause)
For. The. Planet. Of. The. Big. Bosomed.
Women. Who. Want. To. Have. Sex. With. Us.
LEO CAESIUS
Not as such, no.
DOCTOR WHAT
(calmly)
Well, there’s only one thing to say to that-
EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – SPACE
The AH.com ship drifts entirely placidly in deep space, until-
ENTIRE CREW
(medley)
NOOOOOOOOOOO-
The sound of the scream vibrates the ship and shakes the camera around.
PULL OUT – MORE DISTANT VIEW
The AH.com ship is a tiny metallic dot in the middle of a star cluster, and now all of those stars start shaking around.
ENTIRE CREW-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
PULL OUT – EVEN MORE DISTANT VIEW –
We can now see the entire galaxy, and EVERYTHING is vibrating.
ENTIRE CREW
-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
INT. – THE HUB – OUROBOROS – DAY
IAN the bartender is watching the bar and cleaning a glass with a cloth, when a small amount of plaster crumbles from the ceiling. A troubled look appears on his face.
IAN
Weird.
Like dozens of voices deprived
of sweet, sweet love, all crying
out in anguish.
IAN shrugs and goes back to cleaning his glass.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CONTROL ROOM – DAY
The camera is at an off-kilter angle and all the AH.commers are lying about, blood spurting from their ears. DOCTOR WHAT, pale in the face, manages to drag himself upright.
DOCTOR WHAT
(faraway voice)
Kill you…kill you all…
KIT
(smirking, unaffected)
What were you saying about
cool calm military professionalism, Doc?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his finger)
Hey—all that was just about some
psycho trying to destroy the universe.
But [u]this[/u]…
(shudders)
LEO CAESIUS
Look on the bright side, Doc—we’ll most probably
run into it again sooner or later, so long as we stay
around this part of the multiverse.
DOCTOR WHAT
(doubtful)
Unless someone else finds it first.
LEO CAESIUS
Yeah, but what are the chances of that happening?
DOCTOR WHAT grins.
ZOOM OUT – away from DOCTOR WHAT and the bridge crew, out through the big bridge window, leaving the AH.com ship in space –
And then, with an effect like God turning the page of a book, the universe flips around and we see another timeline, another Earth…
And another ship descending towards it.
A curiously…familiar looking ship. Not this specific one, but the general design…
EXT. – EARTH – PLAZA – DAY
A confused crowd, made up entirely of scantily clad big-breasted women, looks on as the huge ship lands before them. ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ type music plays in the background.
WOMAN 1
Can it be…?
WOMAN 2
The men we seek have finally arrived?
Their voices are hushed as the ramp of the ship slowly comes down. A white mist pours out, followed by several figures, which resolve into –
Three tall big-breasted blonde women wearing incredibly tight leather uniforms with a well-remembered logo on them.
LEAD BLONDE
(into a comm device)
Yes, my Queen, it appears the new Shift-ship design works!
(glances up at crowd)
Well?
WOMAN 1
(uncertainly)
A terrible disease killed off all
the men on our planet.
LEAD BLONDE
Hey, what a coincidence. Same here.
WOMAN 2
We have gone without sex
for three years now…
WOMAN 1
(pleadingly)
Do you bring the men we seek?
The THREE BLONDES laugh in synchrony.
LEAD BLONDE
Men? Sex? Hey, listen, sister, those
two words don’t go together in our world.
(licks her lips as she looks at WOMAN 1)
And in just a moment, I’ll demonstrate…
But right now…
One of the other BLONDES hands the LEAD BLONDE a flag on a flagstab and the LEAD BLONDE stabs it into the ground. The flag blows out in the wind, showing a logo of two pink female symbols linked through the rings, on a background of space, stars…and many Earths.
LEAD BLONDE
I, Captain Venusa of the Lesbian Space Marines,
claim this planet in the name of Queen Anactoria!
(smiles)
The first planet in the new Lesbian Star Empire!
As the WOMEN look around uncertainly, a band of LESBIAN SPACE MARINES steps out of the ship and strikes up a familiar tune:
LESBIAN BAND
In the world where I come from, there are none of those male scum.
And we lived our lives carefree, and our boobs are double D.
So we sat on each others faces, but we worried about alien races.
So we built some rocket machines, and created the Space Marines.
We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines
We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines.
And then one day, across the sun, we saw a ship, the AH.COM.
So we flew up into space, and my boobs hit me in the face.
With two black eyes, I stormed aboard, and shot some men, then shot some more.
We tied them up and took them home, then the queen yelled, “Thunderdome!”
We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines.
We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines.
Well, those men, they all went free, all because of that damn Yuppie.
And the queen just sits and sighs, thinking about her supple thighs.
But at least the crew is gone, those bastards of the AH.COM.
We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines.
We all serve in the Lesbian Space Marines,
Lesbian Space Marines, Lesbian Space Marines!
CAPTAIN VENUSA
But we’ll get even with those AH.com bastards one day, eh?
SECOND BLONDE
And reclaim that Yuppie for the Queen!
CAPTAIN VENUSA
(grins)
Damn straight!
(looks at the crowd of WOMEN)
But first…time to instruct the Queen’s new
subjects in the customs of the Empire…
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS
Oh–the memories of writing this with Thande.
Great to see this up!