TEASER
The camera opens on a scene of a plush furnished sitting room with a fireplace. The camera pans across the room and stops on a large easy chair. MERRYPRANKSTER is sitting on it, a pleasant smile on his face, facing the camera.
MERRYPRANKSTER
Hi–I’m MerryPrankster– a character on the AH.com Series.
(clears throat)
Now I know that people sometimes make fun of how
I am continually trying to impart continuity into the Series -
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Aw Jeez–he’s at it again…
THANDE
(VO)
Every bloody episode it’s the same thing–
MERRYPRANKSTER
(speaking louder to be heard over the comments)
—CONTINUITY INTO THE SERIES—
(coughs)
Ahem…
(beat)
..but I just like to say that this particular
episode is absolutely outstanding
as even I approve of the amount
of continuity in this episode.
(smiles)
So sit back and enjoy the —
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh—Merry—that reminds me—we had a focus
group with our fan club and the results are just in.
THANDE
Yeah—it appears that a lot of people seem to
think that all the scenes that involved you were -
(shuffling of papers)
—ah! ‘Character-wank’
DOCTOR WHAT
So the creators have decided to retcon the series
and have you removed entirely from it.
MERRYPRANKSTER
What? But they can’t do—
He disappears in a puff of smoke.
Pause
DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa—that was pretty cool!
THANDE
Do something else!
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh—how about some naked lesbians?
Pause
There is a definite lack of appearance of naked lesbians.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well-crap! That sucks!
THANDE
Hey—what do we replace Merry with anyway?
There has to be another character there…
DOCTOR WHAT
(shuffling papers)
Yeah—the focus group came up with a good replacement.
They wanted to replace the character with-
(shuffling papers again)
(beat)
—an 8 foot tall Robot Chimp in a Wonder
Woman costume named ‘I.P. Freely’?
(beat)
What the fuck? Who the hell did we have in this focus group?
THANDE
(shuffling papers)
—the patients of the Happyvale Home of Freaks, Geeks
and Really, Really Messed-Up Loonies.
(beat)
That’s our fan base?
DOCTOR WHAT
You’re surprised by that?
Pause
THANDE
No—not really, no. Actually explains a lot to be honest…
DOCTOR WHAT
Indeed.
(beat)
Roll the episode.
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“HAIR TODAY GOTTERDAMMERUNG TOMORROW: PART 1”
Written By : DOCTOR WHAT & THANDE
ACT I
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
Fade up on a shot of the AH.com ship orbiting an ordinary-looking Earth, somewhere over the Americas. Pan down and zoom in on the Caribbean, passing through the clouds and heading towards a sunlit, balmy island…
EXT. – CARIBBEAN ISLAND – DAY
A wide shot of the island, which is covered with palm trees and sparkling white beaches. The deep blue-green water laps lazily on the sand as the brilliant sunlight shines down from the cloudless sky. Scattered about the beaches are ramshackle huts with people of many different races selling ice cream and alcohol. The beaches are covered with people relaxing on deckchairs or under parasols.
Pan across and we find that one particular beach is occupied by a large party of around twenty individuals…
DOCTOR WHAT
(removes his sunglasses, blinks)
Who’d have thought it—we finally found
a nice normal pleasant Earth to vacation on.
Sitting next to DOCTOR WHAT, under a parasol, IRONYUPPIE glances up lazily from what at first looks like a Mills and Boon paperback, but the romantic heroine on the cover in a period-drama dress is holding a series of whips and chains behind her back as she kisses the buff fifties-looking hero. IRONYUPPIE is wearing a bikini and getting a healthy tan.
IRONYUPPIE
Jebus cripes, statistically we were bound
to hit it sooner or later.
GREY WOLF walks up to the other two, dressed like Ian Fleming in white shirt, khaki trousers and sandals, and carrying a tray with seventeen tall glasses on it. Each of the glasses contains a rainbow-layered cocktail with a huge parasol on the top, some sort of slice of fruit – starting from oranges and lemons, but going up to pineapples and melons – and a blob of ice-cream. Grinning to himself, GREY WOLF sits down on a deckchair beside them.
GREY WOLF
Oh, sorry, did [u]you two[/u] want something to drink?
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m easy.
IRONYUPPIE
(sidelong glance)
Known that for years, Doc—it shows
from your frankly amateurish choice of lesbian porn—
DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Anyway.
GREY WOLF knocks back one or two of the cocktails, then is about to reach for a third but pauses to delicately remove the slice of melon and, holding it at arm’s length, throws it away.
GREY WOLF
Can’t be too careful.
The other two nod solemnly. In the background, DAVE HOWERY walks up with KEIRA KNIGHTLEY. HOWERY is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and shorts with ‘American Tourist’ camera around his neck and a baseball cap which, if you look closely, reveals that he’s been to DisneyWelt from a Nazi-victory world. KEIRA is wearing a bikini but the strapless top keeps falling loosely down and DAVE hastily pushing it back up.
DAVE HOWERY
(happily)
Hi, guys. Good to get away from
those damned engines for a while.
(surveys the beach)
Haven’t seen anything like this since that
time on that Middle Eastern planet where
those two dusky maidens rubbed olive oil into my bea-
KEIRA
(sharply)
Daaaavee…?
DAVE HOWERY
(hastily)
-bear. That’s it, yes. They rubbed olive oil
into my nice new Chinese-made bear.
DOCTOR WHAT
What have you done with all the engineering
staff, anyway, Dave?
DAVE HOWERY
Kept ’em busy.
Cut to –
EXT. – BEACH – DAY
Another part of the island, closer to the edge of the beach. An AH.com shuttle, the ‘Jessica Alba’, is parked beneath the palm trees and has been very unconvincingly disguised as one of the huts. On the beach, PSYCHOMELTDOWN, G.BONE and MICHAEL are all holding surfboards and arguing.
MICHAEL
(to PSYCHO)
What do you know about surfboarding –
you come from a bloody desert 500 km inland!
PSYCHO
(with dignity)
I was once imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay
on suspicion of being Vaguely Foreign Looking
and they taught me more about waterboarding
in those three years than you’ll ever know!
MICHAEL
That’s not the same thing,
you redhead-loving goit-
G.BONE
(coughing)
Dudes, maybe you could
let a real man show the way?
G.BONE runs into the ocean, the other two watching, then sets his sights on a huge wave heading this way. Leaping atop his surfboard, he rides the wave with amazing skill, PSYCHO and MICHAEL gaping at his ability. He jumps up, turns around and lands back on the board. Then the wave turns into a tunnel of water, which G.BONE steers the board straight through the middle.
Then the tunnel of water turns into a tunnel of light and G.BONE vanishes with a flash.
MICHAEL
What the fu-
PSYCHO
Wait…
A dome of light appears beside them on the beach and, when it fades, G.BONE is back again, holding his surfboard and smirking. Behind him are two surprised-looking men with swords, one looking like a Roman and the other a Gaul.
G.BONE
(slams his surfboard into the beach)
Beat that!
MICHAEL
Pfft, that’s just showing off!
PSYCHO
If you can surf your way into other worlds,
how come you can’t work the teleporter right?
G.BONE
(defensively)
I only switched your minds and bodies that one time!
MICHAEL
(smiles in reminiscence)
And what a happy time it was…
PSYCHO edges away.
Cut back to –
EXT. – SUNLIT ISLAND – DAY
The scene before with DOCTOR WHAT, DAVE HOWERY, KEIRA, IRONYUPPIE and GREY WOLF relaxing.
GREY WOLF
Um, what happened to Sharky?
I haven’t seen him since we landed.
IRONYUPPIE
(scowls)
I told him to go and get a tan.
Cut to –
EXT. – BEACH – DAY
Yet another part of the beach, this one almost deserted. A giant magnifying glass is set up and the sun’s rays are being focused down on the beach. Nearby insects shriek and burn and the sand itself is beginning to turn to molten rock. But at the epicentre of the beam is LANDSHARK in a Speedo and he’s still anaemically white. He checks himself in a mirror.
LANDSHARK
Dammit!
Must have post-op Michael Jackson syndrome…
Cut back to –
EXT. – BEACH – DAY
IRONYUPPIE
(nastily)
I told him not to come back until no-one was
doing Sam Carsten jokes about him anymore.
GREY WOLF
Um—but isn’t that dangerous?
DAVE HOWERY
It’s only Sharky.
GREY WOLF
(nods)
Yeah, but his skin actually has a negative
melanin quotient. He could end up with
huge tumours on his chest.
IRONYUPPIE
(smiles to herself)
That would certainly make our cosplaying
more…interesting.
Everyone else winces and GREY WOLF plucks a cocktail fork out of one of his glasses, stabbing himself in the eye with it.
DOCTOR WHAT
Still, it’s about time we had a decent rest.
Who knows when we’ll next have some
wacky adventure and get the ship smashed up-
As he speaks, two familiar figures walk out of the nearby palm trees and towards them.
DAVE HOWERY
(sighs)
Speak of the devil…
They get closer, revealing that it’s GBW and LUAKEL. GBW is wearing a tweed hat, a backpack and a T-shirt, shorts and trainers all with luminous strips of yellow or orange on them. LUAKEL is wearing a (spookily) identical miniature version of the costume. Also, both have binoculars on string around their necks. LUAKEL has a hunted look in his eyes.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ah, GBWy.
Weren’t you showing Luaky
one of your many hobbies…?
GBW
(nods eagerly)
Planespotting, yes.
GREY WOLF
(tuts)
Fuck, really?
The cool people spot airships…
GBW
(angrily)
It’s exactly that prejudice which
has led to the sport being unfairly
turned down from the Intertimeline Olympics
when it is followed by literally dozens of people
in the Multiverse…
DAVE HOWERY
And how many planes have you seen today?
GBW
Well…none.
(sighs)
They all seem to use airships in this timeline.
GREY WOLF
Yay!
GBW
(enthusiastically)
But we’ve only been here for three hours,
there’s the rest of the day to consider!
LUAKEL edges up to IRONYUPPIE.
LUAKEL
(whispers)
Kill me.
Kill me now.
IRONYUPPIE ruffles his hair fondly and shakes her head.
IRONYUPPIE
Sorry, kid. I only know how to kill
with sexual overtones and you’re underage.
LUAKEL whimpers as GBW drags him away.
DOCTOR WHAT
That was cruel!
IRONYUPPIE
Did I mention that he sold your
DVD of Girls Who Like Grills XII
to buy Pokémon cards?
DOCTOR WHAT
(suddenly raging)
That little basta-
GBW
(distantly, interrupting)
Ah, there’s a plane at last!
Heads turn to see GBW pointing at something in the sky and then looking at it with his binoculars.
GBW
(cheerfully)
Not a design I recognise, though.
It looks like the surface of the
fuselage is almost…
(squints)
fluffy?
DAVE HOWERY
Oh God, not more Furry cosplayers.
IRONYUPPIE
(winsomely)
I don’t know, they break so delightfully –
The plane, its engines roaring, flies overhead. As GBW said, its outline is blurred by brownish fur or hair hanging from it. As it goes overhead, though, metal canisters begin to fall in neat trajectories…
GREY WOLF
(leaps to his feet)
They’re bombing us!
DOCTOR WHAT
Fuuuuuuuck!
The canisters crash down into the beach but do not explode. Instead, the tops open up and a vivid green gas begins to emerge.
DAVE HOWERY
Gas! They’re gassing us!
(he grabs KEIRA)
Don’t worry, my dear,
I’ll absorb the poison with my beard-
GREY WOLF
Fuck, what are you supposed to
do in a gas attack again?
(snaps fingers)
Oh, yeah, pee on a cloth and
hold it over your nose…
LUAKEL
(cheerfully)
Step one completed, sir!
GBW pulls out a scanner doodad and waves it in the direction of the gas.
GBW
Strange…
It doesn’t look like a poison gas.
It looks more like…
Bio-particles…
DOCTOR WHAT
A virus?
(pulls out his radio)
This is the captain!
Sound of many stifled laughs and snorts coming back.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
Look, that wasn’t funny the first 400 times you did it, either.
Listen, we’re under a virus attack!
Everyone rendezvous at the shuttle…
GREY WOLF taps his shoulder.
DOCTOR WHAT
(angrily)
What? I’m trying to be all macho
and Captain Kirk here!
GREY WOLF
Um, look…
DOCTOR WHAT turns. GREY WOLF is pointing at all the timeline natives on the other beaches and in the huts. As the gas washes over them, they fall to the floor and then their features begin to melt and change. Mere seconds later, they rise up again, but with a faraway, zombie-like look in their eyes.
DOCTOR WHAT rushes over to the man running the nearest drinks hut, an ALTERNATE MEJ.
DOCTOR WHAT
Are you all right?
ALTEERNATE MEJ
(thick Caribbean accent)
Oh yes mah brothers.
Sing wi’ me!
We have an island in de sun…
The other TIMELINE NATIVES come out of the other huts and, spontaneously, they form a musical-style choreographed calypso.
DOCTOR WHAT
What the fu…?!
DAVE HOWERY
Doc!
DOCTOR WHAT spin around again to find DAVE HOWERY pointing at a tank heading their way, up the beach. Out in the bay, there is suddenly a fleet of battleships and landing craft disgorging more tanks and troops. The troops wear grey and the vehicles are flying the Confederate battle flag.
The tank’s main gun fires, sending a shell over DOCTOR WHAT’s head, where it slams into the nearest hut and blows it up. The tank’s hatch opens to reveal a grinning ROBERTP6165 in a Confederate general’s uniform.
ROBERTP6165
Surrender, y’all!
The whole Caribbean and Central America,
and anywhere else we happen to feel like, .
is now annexed to the Confederate
Fillibusterin’ States of Ameriwank!
DOCTOR WHAT
Ah—no can do, my Rebel friend—we’re not
native to these islands and so if you don’t mind—
ROBERTP6165
Not before we enslave you all
’cause we’re Just That Evil!
DOCTOR WHAT
(sidelong whisper)
Suggestions?
DAVE HOWERY
Run away very fast.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good idea!
The AH.commers turn and run away from the tank as it sprays bullets over their heads.
DOCTOR WHAT
(panting)
Back to the shuttle!
EXT. – ABOVE THE ISLAND – DAY
A wide shot shows the AH.commers converging on the shuttle. The gas is now a green haze over the whole area. More Confederate troops are disembarking.
EXT. – THE BEACH – DAY
PSYCHO, MICHAEL and G.BONE run away from two strafing Confederate fighters, holding their surfboards over their heads as shields, and meet up with the other AH.commers as they arrive. LANDSHARK is still bone-white but his Speedos are now on fire. All the AH.commers pile into the shuttle.
INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
Get us out of here!
DAVE HOWERY
Right!
(to PSYCHO, G.BONE, MICHAEL)
Did you bozos refuel us like I told you to?
MICHAEL
We took the fuel cap off
and then we found something
far more interesting to do.
DAVE HOWERY
(muttering to himself)
Launch!
DAVE HOWERY pulls a lever and, with a cough, the shuttle’s engines fire and it takes off.
EXT. – ABOVE THE ISLAND – DAY
The shuttle roars off into the sky. The Confederate fighter planes chase it for a short distance, their bullets impacting harmlessly on the shuttle’s shields, then peel off as the shuttle heads into the upper atmosphere.
INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY
The AH.commers breathe out, clearly glad to have escaped.
GBW
What was that thing?
GREY WOLF
(grimly)
I recognised it.
The virus from Stereotypica.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
It can’t be anything else.
That’s why we were immune—
that cure that Torq cooked up afterwards.
DAVE HOWERY
We never did figure out who
made that virus.
(grimly)
Now we’ve caught them in the act.
DOCTOR WHAT
And they spoiled our vacation.
An undercurrent of anger runs around the shuttle.
IRONYUPPIE
I respectfully suggest that we hunt them
down and make them eat their own nuts.
LANDSHARK
No fair! How come they get to do that
after ruining a planet! I had to do much
harder things before you let—
DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Anyway…
The viewscreen shows the AH.com ship approaching.
DOCTOR WHAT
Come on – we’ll get to the bottom of this.
DAVE HOWERY
Thank Christ we didn’t bring Kit…
(titles)
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
The AH.com ship is still orbiting the Earth from before, which now has a green haze over most of the Americas – the virus is multiplying.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIEFING ROOM – DAY
All the AH.commers are assembled in the briefing room. DOCTOR WHAT is standing at the fore, in front of a Powerpoint presentation, and seems to have just briefed them on the situation.
DOCTOR WHAT
…so that’s what happened.
Leo, did you catch any sight of that…
(hesitates)
‘furry plane’ that bombed us?
LEO CAESIUS
My sensors detected a silhouette and
then it appeared to enter the upper atmosphere,
suggesting it is space-capable. However, it then
went over the curve of the horizon and I lost sight of it.
Disappointed murmurs.
LEO CAESIUS
However, I did detect another signal in the system.
A shift-capable ship…
Interested murmurs. A hologram appears on the projector in the middle of the briefing table and rotates, showing a simple-looking but sleek ship that looks rather like a 1930s Flash Gordon rocket-ship.
DOCTOR WHAT
(stroking his goatee)
That looks vaguely familiar…
LEO CAESIUS
Indeed. I cross-referenced it in my databanks
and I identified it. We encountered it near the
CTT.net, six months ago.
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s Floid’s ship?
(keenly)
I wonder if he has any more porn…
LEO CAESIUS
Negative. The ship of Floid the Pornmaster
was identified as a second vessel.
This is the ship of the mercenary unit
known only as The Germans.
Angry murmurs go around the table.
HENDRYK
(furiously)
They must be forcing other planets to
act as stereotypically as them!
(spits)
Boches!
GBW
Presumably the Germans’ ship is
a mothership for the, er, furry plane
and deploys it to bomb with the virus
canisters on each world.
DOCTOR WHAT
Each world…then they may strike again!
Leo, did you get their technobabbylon-particle trail?
LEO CAESIUS
Naturally.
DOCTOR WHAT
(pointing at LANDSHARK)
Then lay in a pursuit course at maximum…thing!
LANDSHARK
(to IRONYUPPIE, sidelong)
Why’s he pointing at me?
IRONYUPPIE
(sidelong to LANDSHARK)
You’re the chief pilot.
LANDSHARK
(genuinely surprised)
Really??
DOCTOR WHAT sighs.
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
The AH.com ship breaks orbit with the Earth – the green gas is spreading even further. A shuttle leaves the AH.com ship and heads down.
INT. – SHUTTLE – DAY
THANDE and TORQUMADA are in the shuttle, along with BOBO and the GIANT MOSQUITO in the back seats. THANDE operates the comm, while TORQUMADA pilots.
THANDE
See you around, Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Mix up some more of that cure
and help those poor people
(hard voice)
We’ll come and pick you up after we’ve…
dealt with them.
THANDE
Yessir. Thande out.
He flicks the comm off, then glares at TORQUMADA.
THANDE
Why can’t I drive?
TORQUMADA
The last time we let you drive, you crashed
the shuttle into the Empire State Building…
THANDE
(hotly)
That was a mistake anyone could have made!
TORQUMADA
…while we were in Los Angeles.
THANDE
Okay, maybe not.
TORQUMADA
(briskly)
Good.
Now find me the area worst afflicted so
we can help them first.
If there’s more than one, prioritise for regions
most likely to contain women in bikinis
with beachball-sized bazongas.
Shaking his head and muttering to himself, THANDE works the control panel.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
As the shuttle heads down to Earth, the AH.com Ship forms a vortex and vanishes into it.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
A vortex opens up and out shoots the AH.COM ship.
INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY
We see DOCTOR WHAT, GBW, MATT, LANDSHARK, MICHAEL and DIAMOND at various stations.
DOCTOR WHAT
Analysis, LEO.
LEO
Well—-the crew’s overall performance up to this point
can charitably be described as ‘incompetent’, while your
own performance requires work-value attitudinal readjustment,
the ship is in dire need of a new paint job, my secondary
back-up hard drive is corrupted with spambots, my robot
body needs an upgrade, Dave really needs a shave, the –
DOCTOR WHAT
Not of us! The ship we’ve been chasing for the last 3 hours!
LEO
Oh—that.
(beat)
Particle trail analysis indicates that the
German mercenary ship has Shifted again.
Annoyed cursing sounds from the bridge crew.
DOCTOR WHAT
Again? This is, like, the eighteenth time….
LEO
Nineteenth actually.
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
Fine. LEO, get ready to do another –
MATT
(looking at something on his console)
Whoa! Incoming transmission!
DOCTOR WHAT
On screen.
The viewscreen shows an image of about a dozen or so scantily clad, big bosomed women.
WOMAN 1
Help us please. A terrible disease has killed off all the men on our planet.
WOMAN 2
We have gone without sex for 3 years now.
WOMAN 3
We are in dire need of men to make love to us.
WOMAN 4
Long passionate love. With all of us. Constantly.
WOMAN 5
Will you help us?
WOMAN 6
The future of our planet depends on it.
We see the entire bridge crew staring in shock and amazement at the viewscreen. Several of them are drooling. A few wisps of smoke are coming from one or two of the consoles as the drool dripping on them starts shorting out several of the electrical components.
Doctor What is the first to recover.
DOCTOR WHAT
Right! Everyone form an orderly stampede to the shuttle bay behind me!
The crew races towards the bridge doors—which fails to open.
WHOMP!
We see a large pile of ah.commers near the doors. One by one, the bridge crew gets up off the floor. Finally, the last crew member—Doctor What—slowly gets up and walks unsteadily back towards his command chair.
DOCTOR WHAT
(looking up at ceiling)
Leo?
LEO
Sorry about that but we DO have a world to save and some bad guys to catch, after all.
DOCTOR WHAT
But we can do a quick side trip!
LEO
Analysis of the particle trail indicates that the Germans Shifted
away a mere five minutes ago. If we jump right away, we just
might be able to catch up to them in the next timeline. Even a
delay of ten minutes could mean that we will have to start the
chase all over again—with no guarantee that we will be able
to continue tracking them.
MATT
I can do ten minutes!
MICHAEL
Heck—that’s seven minutes longer than my personal record!
LEO
Gentlemen!
DOCTOR WHAT
(reluctantly)
Fine! Just mark the coordinates of this timeline—
we’ll be back once all this is done!
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
The AH.COM ship forms a vortex and vanishes into it
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
The AH.COM ship comes out of the vortex.
Pan slowly to the left to reveal—
-The German ship, opening up another vortex!
INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
After them! Full power to all weapons and shields!
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
The German ship flies into the vortex, followed seconds later by the AH.COM ship.
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
The two ships emerge. The AH.COM starts activating their weapons.
INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
Matt! Disable that ships engines! We can’t let them get away again!
MATT
With pleasure!
(starts firing away)
Take that, you deutsch asshats!
EXT. – SPACE – NEAR EARTH
We see particle beams and missiles lance out from the AH.COM ship and impact on the German ship. Its shields manage to absorb the brunt of most of the shots but we can see a few small explosions appear here and there on the hull of the ship where the shots managed to make it past a weak point in the shields.
The German ship turns and starts firing at the AH.Com ship.
The two ships are nearly obscured by the barrage of weapons fire as they fly past each other, the shields of both ships sparkling spectacularly as they do so. Several shots from the German ship manage to penetrate the shields and impact on the AH.COM, causing a ripple of small explosions on its hull.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY
The ship is shaking from all the impacts. A few panels here and there spark and flare while a layer of smoke hangs near the ceiling.
MATT
They’re coming around for another pass!
DOCTOR WHAT
Keep blasting them!
EXT- SPACE –NEAR EARTH
The two ships make another pass at each, firing off a barrage of weapons fire that is if anything more intense than the first one. Although neither ship seems to be crippled, it’s obvious that both ships are getting a beating.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY
The bridge is trashed worse than before—the emergency lights are on, one or two of the consoles are totally fried, and there’s smoke everywhere now.
DOCTOR WHAT
(waving smoke out of his face)
Status!
GBW
(reading some screens)
A couple of sensors are out, the secondary fuel intake
chambers are both flooded, small fires on 4 different decks…
MICHAEL
(reading screens)
… hull breech on level five…
DIAMOND
(reading other screens)
..shields down to 42%…
MATT
(reading yet other screens)
…particle beams 3 and 4 are jammed, missile launchers 1, 5 and 7 are down…
LANDSHARK
…and worse of all—the pilot seat doesn’t go up and down anymore!
LEO
Incoming transmission!
DOCTOR WHAT
On screen!
The viewscreen flickers into life and we see the bridge of the German ship.
Sitting in the Captain’s chair is STEFFEN. In the first officer’s seat is SUSANO. Sitting at various stations and consoles are ALAYTA, MAX SINISTER and CARLTON BACH.
STEFFEN
Zurrender und prepare to be boarded!
DOCTOR WHAT
Never! We’ll make you pay for what you did!
STEFFEN and SUSANO glance at each other in confusion.
STEFFEN
Say again, ja? Vat we do?
DOCTOR WHAT
Don’t jerk us around—you know
exactly what you did, you bastards!
SUSANO
Vat da hell you speak of?
MATT
You released that Stereotype virus on that
planet a few timelines back, you asshats!
The German crew stare open-jawed for a few seconds—then, as one, they all scowl and frown.
STEFFEN
(barely able to contain his anger)
VE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT!
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah—like we believe you.
STEFFEN
Ve don’t give a shit vat you believe!
Ve speak the truth! Ve are not responsible!
SUSANO
Nein!
DOCTOR WHAT
Why the hell should we believe you?
STEFFEN
Vould ve speak like this if ve had a cure for ze virus!
SUSANO
Ve are infected too!
MAX SINISTER
Ja! Ve all are! This ship und everyone
on ze planet below!
We see the AH.commers exchange a few glances amongst each other. None of them look totally convinced—but there’s small glimmers of doubt on their faces…
DOCTOR WHAT
If you weren’t responsible, then why were you on that planet?
STEFFEN
Ve are seeking ze people who are responsible!
Ve believe they were on that planet!
SUSANO
But ve lost ze zignal a few timelines back.
We see DOCTOR WHAT deep in thought.
MATT
(sotto voce)
Doc—you think we should believe them?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shrugging shoulders)
(sotto voce)
Not sure—but we sure as hell can’t keep pounding each other
like this. And they ARE talking like stereotypical Germans after all….
(looks back at viewscreen)
You say the planet below is infected as well?
STEFFEN
Ja! It is our homeworld.
(beat)
I propose a compromise solution for our dilemma. Ve two
captains go down to der planet below. Und ve exchange
one crew member per ship. Zis way none of us do anything
funny und each of us haff a potential hostage.
DOCTOR WHAT
(suspiciously)
And what exactly will I find on the homeworld?
STEFFEN
The truth!
Doctor What turns toward his crew.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well? What you think?
MATT
I think it’s a dumb idea but if it buys us some time…
GBW
And who knows—maybe they’re speaking the truth.
DIAMOND
I have to concur with my logical colleague here, despite the fact
that he refuses to see the light regarding the wonders of pantslessness.
DOCTOR WHAT
Sharky?
LANDSHARK
These are the same dudes who would rather argue politics
than get handjobs from big breasted naked Asians, right?
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah-so what’s your point?
LANDSHARK
No point—I’m still trying to wrap my mind
around that concept, that’s all.
DOCTOR WHAT
But that happened months ago!
LANDSHARK
I’m a deep thinker…
DOCTOR WHAT
(sotto voce)
Well—certainly deep in something
(beat)
Michael?
MICHAEL
Better you than me, Doc
DOCTOR WHAT nods his head.
DOCTOR WHAT
Thanks for volunteering to be the German’s hostage.
Ignoring Michael’s shocked expression, Doctor What turns to see the viewscreen.
DOCTOR WHAT
You’ve got yourself a deal!
STEFFEN nods.
EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE THE PLANET
We can see the AH.com ship and the German ship in parallel orbits, both with some damage and scarring from the brief battle. Both ships open their hangar bays and launch two shuttles each, one of which goes down to the planet and the other heads for the other ship. The German shuttles look rather like flying VW Beetles.
INT. – SHUTTLE ‘JENNIFER GARNER’ – COCKPIT
DOCTOR WHAT is lounging in the back of the mostly empty shuttle, while GBW and LUAKEL are sitting in the piloting seats at the front. GBW is now wearing a flying helmet and humming cheerfully, if tunelessly as he holds the piloting yoke, while LUAKEL operates the sensor displays.
LUAKEL
(as his console beeps)
Leo confirms the German shuttles are scanned.
No suspicious readings. They seem to be telling the truth.
GBW
(gentle chiding)
Never assume, young Luaky.
Why, did I ever tell you about the time
when I mixed up the two Nine Years’ Wars and…
LUAKEL
(hopefully)
…and you ended up in the middle of a bloody
battle and had to flee back to the AH.com ship
in an exciting story?
GBW
No-oo, I just had to take the textbook
with the order of battle and coloured
illustrations back to the shop.
LUAKEL
…oh.
DOCTOR WHAT
(speaking up)
Quiet, you two.
(importantly)
I’ve got research to do.
DOCTOR WHAT puts his feet up on another chair, then opens an official-looking briefcase and pulls out several German-language porn magazines, which he begins carefully studying. He unfolds one large centrefold (not visible to us) and his eyebrows go up and down as he turns it ninety degrees first one way and then another.
DOCTOR WHAT
My word—so that’s
where Hitler got the idea
for his moustache from.
GBW and LUAKEL look confused.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – HANGAR BAY
Several AH.commers, led by LANDSHARK, stand by as the German shuttle lands, and then the doors open with a hiss.
LANDSHARK
(to the others)
Alright, you bunch of overly macho
gun-toting colonials who are obviously
overcompensating for something-
MATT
(patiently)
Can you please get to the point?
LANDSHARK
(half to himself)
Funny, that’s exactly what Erikka
said the other day…
(as the others shudder, he continues)
If these Krauts try anything dodgy,
get ready to blow their heads off!
OTHER AH.COMMERS
(enthusiastically)
Sir, yes, sir!
LANDSHARK goes up to the shuttle and cautiously peers through the open door, then goes in and out the other door.
LANDSHARK
It’s empty!
The other AH.commers follow him and go through the shuttle’s interior, pulling things up and looking under them, then nod in agreement.
DMA
They must have double-crossed us!
GERMAN VOICE
(VO)
Vhy are you all over zere?
The AH.commers abruptly spin around to find one of the Germans – ALAYTA – lying nonchalantly back on a deckchair resting where they were just standing. A black-red-gold towel is hanging from the arm of the deckchair.
LANDSHARK
(muttering to himself)
Bloody Krauts.
EXT. – AERIAL VIEW OF BERLIN – DAY
The two shuttles descend on Berlin, which looks hugely enlarged compared to the OTL version. In some ways it looks like Hitler’s Germania, but doesn’t have the grand, exaggerated Nazi architecture – it is, however, clearly the world capital.
INT. – SHUTTLE ‘JENNIFER GARNER – COCKPIT – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT nods and folds up his porn magazines as GBW carefully pilots them down onto a landing pad. Before him, a German in a quasi-military uniform guides him down with flashing tennis rackets.
DOCTOR WHAT
Where are we?
LUAKEL
Look around!
As the hatch hisses open, DOCTOR WHAT does so. The landing pad is connected, Star Wars-style, to a series of towers linked together in a huge complex. The two largest towers are linked by a broad, high bridge on which is a larger version of the statues from the Brandenburg Gate. Inscribed on the bridge are the letters, twenty feet tall: DEM DEUTSCHEN VOLKE.
DOCTOR WHAT
(private dick voice)
So dis must be da place.
The German shuttle lands on the pad next to them and STEFFEN, in full uniform with medals and dress regalia, gets out and sharply salutes DOCTOR WHAT, who returns it rather sloppily.
STEFFEN
Kommen, ve shall explain.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nods, then turns to GBW)
You two – if anyone tries to steal
the shuttle, activate self-destruct.
GBW
Yessir!
(pause)
Erm, you do mean we’re
supposed to get out first?
But DOCTOR WHAT has already left, following STEFFEN down a high walkway that leads to the centre of the complex. GBW sighs.
INT. – WELTSTAG CHAMBER – DAY
The central Weltstag chamber is a huge, impressive room with neo-Gothic architecture, rows upon rows of seats all facing inwards to the speaker’s podium, and with tall windows somewhere in the high reaches of the room that shed light on the proceedings. A large number of the hundreds of representatives are wearing (different) military uniforms.
DOCTOR WHAT and STEFFEN enter as a man is speaking at the podium. This is WELTSKANZLER KABRALOTH.
KABRALOTH
(addressing the representatives)
…I urge you all to be patient, ja?
Zey are our last best hope for ein cure, und-
One of the representatives, ALBIDOOM, stands up and yells back:
ALBIDOOM
Zen zey are ein forlorn hope!
Ve haff given zem enough chances!
It is time to-
But as he speaks, KABRALOTH catches sight of the approaching STEFFEN out of the corner of his eye and, with relief, shouts over ALBIDOOM:
KABRALOTH
Be zilent!
Kapitan Steffen has even now returned!
Murmurs spread throughout the room as STEFFEN goes up to the podium, with DOCTOR WHAT, and KABRALOTH turns to him.
STEFFEN
(salutes)
Herr Weltskanzler, sir!
KABRALOTH
(avariciously)
Vell, Kapitan? Do you haff zem?
Haff you hunted zem down at last?
STEFFEN
Ah – er – not exactly. Not yet, nein.
Groans and sighs spread throughout the room, and ALBIDOOM looks triumphant.
ALBIDOOM
You all see, ja?
Zey are nozing but failures-
STEFFEN
(talks over him)
But, we have gained a new ally.
KABRALOTH
Explain.
STEFFEN
(points to DOCTOR WHAT)
Zis is zer kapitan off zer ‘AH.com Ship’.
Zey haff access to far more advanced sensors
zan us, and haff agreed to help us track down
zer perpetrators off zis deed.
KABRALOTH
(musingly)
Zer AH.com Ship…
Did you not say zat zat vas zer
name off zer ship you fought vhile
helping Floid the Pornmaster?
STEFFEN
Ah – yes – zat is correct –
ALBIDOOM
(angrily)
Zen zey are zer vons who
scuppered our scheme!
DOCTOR WHAT
Er – what? Excuse me—Floid
had taken over the ship of my
good friend, Chris-
ALBIDOOM
(impatiently)
Irrelevant.
STEFFEN
Perhaps it is best iff we start
at zer beginning?
DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
Yeah, maybe…
STEFFEN
(reminiscing)
It all began many years ago…
The screen dissolves into the ‘smeary dreams of reminiscence’ effect.
EXT. – FLASHBACK – SOMEWHERE IN CENTRAL EUROPE – NIGHT
A dark landscape. Searchlights sweep the air and we can hear air-raid sirens going off. The searchlights briefly illuminate RAF bombers as they pass overhead, and anti-aircraft guns fire.
But above the bombers, we catch a brief glimpse of another plane, large, with an irregular, hairy outline, and a single bomb being dropped from it…
STEFFEN’s voice speaks over some of the events as we see them unfolding.
STEFFEN
(VO)
It vas zer height off zer Zecond World War, ja?
Mein men und I were assigned to a bomb disposal squad.
It vas dangerous vork. Ve vere assigned it because
ve had been locked up by zer Nazis as political dissidents…
A group of German soldiers are visible going up a road, all with heavy backpacks of bomb disposal equipment. They are led by STEFFEN, with captain’s rank, and behind him we can see the other Germans we have seen before – SUSANO, MAX SINISTER, ALAYTA, OBERDADA, and others.
SUSANO
Zer stupid Nazis fail to
see zer inbuilt ideological
contradiction off opposing
zer Bolshevism vhile at zer same
time incorporating-
MAX SINISTER
(interrupting)
Nein, nein! You forget zat by its very
nature zer Nazi system has flaw due to-
STEFFEN
Ja, vhat is needed is more capitalism!
ALL OTHERS
NEIN!!
STEFFEN
(VO)
Off course, ve vere not all dissidents
off zer same stripe…
As we watch the Germans approach a field which is dotted with both craters and unexploded bombs, and they go to work, carefully dismantling the bombs and disarming them with special tools.
STEFFEN winces and cuts a red wire, then relaxes as the bomb he is working on stops ticking.
ALAYTA
(calling)
Kapitan! I haff not seen
von like zis before-
STEFFEN gets up and goes over to ALAYTA, who is standing in front of a particularly large, unusual-looking bomb of some shiny, unfamiliar metal.
STEFFEN
I do not recognise it eizer.
ALAYTA
(cautiously)
I sink ve should call for backup…
STEFFEN
(snorts)
And give zem an excuse to stick
us back in zer camp? Nein.
One way or zer other, I’m never going back.
With a caution that betrays his careless words, STEFFEN pulls out two precision tools and gently taps the bomb all over, then takes out a third tool –
ALAYTA
Wait!
What’s happening?
STEFFEN looks up to find that the bomb’s cap is unscrewing itself from within.
STEFFEN
Mein Gott!
The cap flies off and a noxious green gas emerges.
ALAYTA
Zer Tommies are gassing us!
Both of them collapse, halfway through reaching for their gasmasks. As they fall, STEFFEN half-unconsciously fumbles in his pocket, pulls out a towel and throws it on the ground beneath him…
Pan across to the bomb, now empty…and we see that at the bottom of the canister, wrapped around it, is a single, very long brown hair…
Fade back to ‘here-and-now’.
INT. – WELTSTAG CHAMBER – DAY
STEFFEN is hanging his head in shame as he recounts the story.
STEFFEN
If I had done it differently –
if I had been more cautious –
ALBIDOOM
(stabbing a finger)
Ja, zen our world vould
not haf become like zis!
DOCTOR WHAT
(confused)
But why did you all become Germans?
When the virus affected my crew, we
all became our own national stereotypes!
KABRALOTH
Our scientists believe zat, as zer virus
infected Germans first, it mutated and
turned zer rest of zer vorld likevise.
(snorts)
I’m from Brooklyn, für Gott’s sake!
DOCTOR WHAT
Whoa.
(thinks)
Wait—if this world is only a few years
past WW2—how did you get the expertise
to build that ship?
KABRALOTH
Because ve now haff an entire world of-
(makes sarcastic quote marks in air)
“Brilliant German Scientists”, ja?
DOCTOR WHAT
Ah.
ALBIDOOM
Not zat it did much goot!
(glares at DOCTOR WHAT)
Our scientists tried to invent a cure,
but zey only managed to make another
virus, a Misspelling Virus.
KABRALOTH
So ve gave Kapitan Steffen and his men
a chance to redeem zemselves. Help zat
Pornmaster Floid viz his plan to create zer Pornship.
ALBIDOOM
Und viz zer money, ve could buy in advanced
medicine from zer other timelines to make a cure.
(glares at DOCTOR WHAT again)
But you, you interdimensional do-gooders – you stopped us!
DOCTOR WHAT
(holds up hands)
Hey—I’ll be the first to admit that I found the
idea of stopping the Pornship plan meant I
couldn’t sleep at night for weeks –
KABRALOTH
(sharply)
It matters not now.
(looks at DOCTOR WHAT)
You said your crew was affected?
So you found a cure?
DOCTOR WHAT
(nods)
Yes, two of my crew are now administering
it on an affected planet. After they’ve finished,
maybe they can come here…
EXT. – SUNLIT ISLAND – DAY
Back in the holiday timeline, THANDE and TORQUMADA have set up an outdoors lab on the beach of the Caribbean island. In the background, we can see BOBO and the MOSQUITO flying around. All around them, the once-idyllic scene has been made hellish, with wrecked Confederate tanks and aircraft lying around, the palm trees and shacks turned into burnt-out shacks, etc.
THANDE
(casually)
Experiment 56 was certainly quite
spectacular, wasn’t it?
TORQUMADA
(nods)
I’ll miss my eyebrows for weeks.
THANDE
Still, at least it made those damned
Confederates back off.
(walks over to TORQ’s station)
How’s it going?
TORQUMADA
(pouring two test tubes together)
Soon…ah, that’s it.
(smiles)
The first new batch of my Stereotypica cure.
THANDE
Does it have to be injected?
TORQUMADA
The first batch does. After that it
will turn into an anti-virus and
spread throughout the world,
curing the first one.
THANDE
(admires)
Wow, that’s positively Star Trek
levels of made-up pseudoscience.
TORQUMADA
Thanks.
TORQUMADA ladles his mixture into a syringe.
TORQUMADA
Now all we need is a victim…
THANDE
I think we can oblige.
(whistles)
The MOSQUITO and BOBO descend before them. In two of its legs, the MOSQUITO is holding an annoyed-looking ROBERTP6165 and BOBO’s tentacles have him tied up.
ROBERTP6165
Get off me, you freak!
MOSQUITO
Which one of us are you referring to?
ROBERTP6165
The one that’s trying to…er…run my blockade!
TORQUMADA
(nodding)
That’ll be Bobo. He does that.
Here, this won’t hurt a bit.
(sotto voce)
It’ll hurt a lot.
TORQUMADA jabs ROBERTP6165 in the arm with the syringe.
ROBERTP6165
Ouch!
THANDE goes up next to TORQUMADA with a handheld scanner.
TORQUMADA
(to ROBERTP6165)
Well? Feel anything?
ROBERTP6165
(dirty look)
Just a wicked urge to strangle that brain thing.
TORQUMADA is about to retort, but THANDE pales and points at the scanner’s display.
THANDE
Look at these readings!
TORQUMADA does so, and pales in turn.
TORQUMADA
What the fu – the cure’s not working!
THANDE
(grimly)
The virus has mutated, become resistant.
Or maybe been…redesigned.
TORQUMADA
(cursing)
But that means…
He points the scanners at himself, and then at THANDE, then nods.
TORQUMADA
I thought so! Our own vaccinations are breaking down!
(in horror)
If we don’t come up with a new cure soon, we’ll
become vulnerable again!
THANDE
What about everyone on the ship?
TORQUMADA
Um – it takes hours of continuous
exposure for the virus to overcome
our vaccinations.
(nods)
They should be fine as long as they
don’t have prolonged contact
with anyone who has the virus.
THANDE
(relieved)
Well, that’s something.
Now, let’s get to work.
TORQUMADA nods and he and THANDE go into overdrive, rapidly mixing substances, scribbling in notepads and fiddling with petri dishes.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – HANGAR BAY
MATT, LANDSHARK, DMA and ALAYTA are all playing Twister. ALAYTA appears to be winning. As we watch, DMA spins the dial.
DMA
Left hand red – dammit -
As he struggles to make the shift, he collapses.
LANDSHARK
Get on with it – I’m in prolonged contact
with a Kraut here!
ALAYTA
Is not exactly zer HappyTime für me eizer, ja?
They continue playing.
INT. – SHUTTLE ‘JENNIFER GARNER’ – COCKPIT – DAY
Tight on GBW’s face. Pull back and we see him holding cards.
Pull back even more and we see him and luakel sitting around a small table, chips and cards upon the table.
GBW sets down his cards.
GBW
Confederate ACW win.
Aztec America.
And… Canada Superpower.
LUAKEL
(groans)
Damn it.
(throws cards down)
GBW collects his winnings, a big smirk on his face. As he counts his chips, his eyes glance towards luakel. We notice that luakel has a small bandage on the back of his neck.
GBW
(pointing)
Hey—how the heck did you get that?
LUAKEL
(rolling his eyes)
Flocc did that to me yesterday.
GBW
How? And why?
LUAKEL
Well—it all started…
F/X – Swirly Flashback effect thingy
INT. – FLOCCULENCIO’S CHAMBER – DAY
We slowly pan across Flocculencio’s chambers. It is dimly lit, with only the light from several candles illuminating the room. Flocculencio is seated cross-legged in the center of the room, wearing long flowing multi-coloured robes and a jewel encrusted turban.
Luakel is seated before him, looking very confused.
FLOCCULENCIO
Verily—all was good and the people were
happy upon hearing the words of Goatism.
The Holy Tenets—that there is no Goat but Goat,
and Flocculencio is its Prophet and that women
are soft and smell good and are to be encouraged –
were embraced by all, and Peace and Good Times
and much Drinking reigned throughout the lands.
(beat)
But it was not to be, for Evil lurked
in the shadows waiting for a chance
to destroy all the Goodness.
LUAKEL
And that was?
FLOCCULENCIO
Two evil forces—one from within and one from outside—
conspired to destroy the Holy Word of Goatism. The evil
false prophet known as Justin Pickard earned the title of
Great Satan through his numerous attacks upon the peaceful
followers of the Goat. Though Pickard brooded from afar,
the turmoil caused by this led to an attempt by the turncoat
apostle Nek to rebel against the ordained hierarchy of the Faith.
Though he had previously sold himself and his womenfolk
into indentured servitude, he chafed in his bonds and repeatedly
attempted to cause trouble, finally renouncing the Faith. Now—
the two of them—Pickard, the Great Satan and his foolish follower
the apostate Nek now given the title of the Lesser or Leicester Satan
and excommunicated by the Caliph – still roam the multiverse,
spreading the false lies of tainted Goatism.
LUAKEL
Gosh.
(beat)
So—like—what will you do if you were
ever to meet them again?
Flocculencio’s eyes start twitching and we notice a strange tic at the corner of his mouth. He suddenly gets up and walks towards a table. Picking it up, he smashes it onto the floor and picks up a table leg (with a large rusty nail sticking out of it) and turns to face Luakel.
FLOCCULENCIO
(incoherent screaming)
Ghaaaarrr-Aaaaarrrrggghhh!!!
Luakel’s eyes widen in fear and he rushes out of the room, Flocculencio right behind him.
F/X – Swirly Flashback effect thingy
LUAKEL
Honestly—I’m telling you—that guy is getting crazier and crazier every day.
GBW ponders this for a long moment.
GBW
How can you tell the difference?
INT. – GERMAN SHIP – DAY
We see Michael at a dinner table with several Germans— MAX
SINISTER and CARLTON BACH, to name just a few—are eating a massive meal consisting of Sauerkraut, a bowl filled with a red cabbage-apple mixture, a huge plate of grilled pig’s knuckles, Bratwurst, and potato dumplings. Massive quantities of beer are being consumed.
Michael looks like he’s going to explode if he eats one more bite of food and is clearly unable to keep up with the German’s drinking ability.
CARLTON BACH
Und now—ve sing!
CARLTON BACH and Max Sinister wrap an arm around Michael’s shoulders and, waving their beer steins, start singing what sounds like a German drinking song.
The Germans are enjoying the singing immensely and are shouting at the top of their lungs, much to Michael’s annoyance. Between the food, the beer, the loud singing and the fact that he’s being rocked back and forth by the Germans on either side of him, Michael looks rather ill and his eyes are starting to glaze over.
CARLTON BACH
Und now—you sing eine vith us!
Michael’s eyes widen and he looks around frantically for an escape. Seeing none, he sighs deeply.
MICHAEL
Oh alright
(beat)
Wenn auch so manche schöne Stadt
Sehenswürdigkeiten hat
Eins gibt es nirgendwo wie hier
Das ist das Münchener Bier
Michael suddenly collapses to the floor as he starts to drown in his own drool from speaking all the German words too quickly.
CARLTON BACH
(looking down at Michael then back at the Germans)
Das iz not good, nein?
MAX SINISTER
(shrugging shoulders)
He iz from Australia.
CARLTON BACH
Oh.
(beat)
No worries then, nein?
MAX SINISTER
Ja!
The Germans go back to singing.
EXT. – WELTSTAG COMPLEX – DAY
We see DOCTOR WHAT and STEFFEN walking. We see the WELTSTAG CHAMBER in the background.
STEFFEN
So—you vill help us?
DOCTOR WHAT
Of course. At the very least, our vaccine
should be of immense help to your people.
And once we get back to our ships, I’ll
transmit all the scans we took of that
‘fuzzy ship’ over to your ship. Maybe
it will help you track down those guys.
STEFFEN
Vill you assist us in der chase?
DOCTOR WHAT
(reluctant voice)
I don’t know…
(beat)
You may have noticed—my crew isn’t what you will call ‘dedicated fighters’.
(beat)
Dedicated drinkers, yes. Dedicated porn addicts, certainly.
Dedicated borderline lunatics who manage to survive the
most outrageous adventures through pure dumb
luck every week—well, that’s a given.
Fighters?
(shaking head)
Sorry, Steffen—not going to happen…
STEFFEN
I am authorized to give eine one uf your crew 1000 DVDs uf German porn
und 30 cases uf beer upon successful completion uf eine mission.
DOCTOR WHAT
DEAL!
They shake hands and continue walking towards the shuttles.
EXT- DEEP SPACE- DAY
We see the ‘Fuzzy Ship’ floating in space.
PAN CLOSE
We notice that the reason the ship looks fuzzy is because the entire surface of the ship is covered in… hair.
PAN CLOSER- we sweep over the hair covered hull of the ship, past blinking lights and sensor arrays to a porthole, where we move through into—
INT- MAIN CHAMBER – DAY
The main chamber is immense. A large throne like chair is in front of the camera, its back facing us.
The head of a figure seated on the throne like chair can be seen.
But the figure has immensely long hair—not only does the brown hair nearly cover the back of the chair—it covers the floor, much of the walls and even part of the ceiling.
Long strands of hair can be seen trailing off into the distance down several dark corridors that lead off from the chamber.
A large double set of metal doors slowly open.
We see nine figures enter – CARL, GENERAL TIU, HOBELHOUSE, EUIO, BLACKMAGE, REDEM, RAN EXILIS and the last one- NEK.
NEK is wearing elaborate priest-like robes of some kind.
Oddly enough—every single one of the figures are completely and totally bald. However, NEK has a single tuft of golden hair sellotaped to the front of his forehead.
NEK
Sire—the latest attack is progressing well.
My calculations indicate that within 48 hours,
the entire planet will be permanently affected.
THRONE FIGURE
Excellent. Yet another planet will soon be shown the
errors of their way. Slowly but surely everyone in the
multiverse will be shown just how wrong they are.
(beat)
(dreamy far away voice)
Yes—the fools at the university thought I was mad.
That I have taken leave of my senses with my plan.
Fools! They were incapable of seeing he sheer brilliance
of my plan! But I showed them—oh, how I did…
HOBELHOUSE coughs meaningfully but discretely.
THRONE FIGURE
(annoyed voice)
Yes—what is it?
HOBELHOUSE
Begging your pardon, sir but my men were wondering…
THRONE FIGURE
(very annoyed)
Yes?
CARL
Well—you DID promise…
EUIO
That is…
BLACKMAGE
Ummm…about our hair…?
THRONE FIGURE
(impatient)
Yes, yes! I know very well what I promised!
NEK
(angry)
You dare to imply that my master will double-cross you!
GENERAL TIU
(quickly)
Oh no—of course not!
REDEM
It’s just that…ummm…
GENERAL TIU
Well—it HAS been a while…
RAN EXILIS
The deal was that we replace the crew that you lost earlier
for one year and in exchange you will give us the secret
formula that will restore our hair back to its luxurious former state.
THRONE FIGURE
(waving hand impatiently)
Yes, yes! I know the deal I made! Let me assure you that
I will follow through on it right after we accomplish one last mission.
(beat)
Nek! Input the coordinates for the next timeline!
NEK
(bowing)
At once your Hirsuteness!
(scampers off)
THRONE FIGURE
And the rest of you—prepare another batch of the virus!
BALD GOONS
Right away!
They rush off.
The camera slowly swings around the throne until we finally see the face of the THRONE FIGURE.
The THRONE FIGURE is…
JUSTIN PICKARD!
JUSTIN PICKARD
(steepling fingers)
Excellent…
EXT. – DEUTSCHERWELT – WELTSTAG COMPLEX – EVENING
An establishing shot showing the Weltstag complex. We pan around and zoom in through a window into a new room, not the big central Weltstag chamber…
INT. – WAR ROOM – DAY
This room is large and is organised as a war room, with a big map on a table in the centre (and underlings pushing little wooden models around on it with shuffleboard sticks), primitive 1960s computer banks beeping and flashing around the sides, and so forth.
Interestingly, the map is not of the world, nor even of space, but of a complex series of multicoloured contours, with many points marked with little flags. Each flag has a little picture of the planet Earth on it and a number.
As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT and STEFFEN enter. DOCTOR WHAT studies the map, tilting his head to one side.
DOCTOR WHAT
No—sorry—still can’t see it.
STEFFEN
It’s not a Magic Eye picture, dummkopf!
STEFFEN gestures at different points on the map.
STEFFEN
Zis is a multi-dimensional representation
of zer different timelines, ja? Vas invented
by Professor Von Finkelsteinenberger.
(points at flags)
Each Earth is marked here. Ve haff been using
it to track zer attacks off zer villains.
DOCTOR WHAT
I see—so you have an idea of what timelines
he likes to attack? What kind of timelines?
Maybe you can predict where the next
strike will be, and we can set an ambush…
STEFFEN
Ja, ve had zer same idea, but ve haff been
unable to narrow it down enough.
Zere’s alvays ten or twelve to choose from,
und ve alvays pick zer wrong one.
STEFFEN looks angry, but DOCTOR WHAT looks thoughtful.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wait—I have an idea.
(clicks his radio)
Leo?
LEO CAESIUS
(VO)
Yes, one who is so laughingly
titled my captain?
DOCTOR WHAT
(ignoring this)
I need that sensor data you got
of the virus ship, the, er…
STEFFEN
Ve call it “Zer Hairplane”.
DOCTOR WHAT
-the Hairplane, yes.
LEO CAESIUS
Ein – I mean, one – moment…
A few seconds later, DOCTOR WHAT’s radio beeps and lights up. He holds it up, presses a button and a hologram is projected into the air, showing a rotating cutaway picture of the ‘Hairplane’. The Germans all point and look at the advanced technology, looking impressed.
DOCTOR WHAT
Can you use any of this?
STEFFEN
(peering keenly at the hologram)
Ja! Ja!
(points at an item)
Zer fuel tank here, is only quarter full!
Zat cuts down our list to only two or three
within his range!
DOCTOR WHAT
What if he refuels first?
STEFFEN
(shakes his head)
Not yet. Ve haff monitored his refuelling activities.
He alvays goes to zer Hub to refuel, once a month.
He is not due for another week.
DOCTOR WHAT
Er—what? If you know he goes to the Hub
so regularly, why don’t you ambush him there?
STEFFEN
(laughs bitterly)
Dummkopf! Do you not know zat
Zer Ian hass ein policy of banning anyvon
who starts ein fight?
DOCTOR WHAT
(slaps forehead)
Oh yeah—sorry—forgot.
STEFFEN
(turning back to hologram)
Anyvay – next target must be von of zese three…
STEFFEN gestures at the huge complex map. One of the adjutants, NEROON, pushes most of the flags away with his shuffleboard scoop, leaving only three.
STEFFEN
(pointing to each in turn)
Zer first von is ein vorld vere zer Cuban Missile
Crisis vent hot, und zer major powers are now
zose in zer southern hemisphere.
Zer second is ein vorld zat vas enslaved by ein
Daemon posing as ein Purpledinosauren called Barney.
Zer third is ein vorld ruled by charismatic ruler
known only as Zer King…
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, I’ve been to all three of those timelines!
STEFFEN
(looking at him)
Really? Ve haff only heard about zem through rumour.
What can you tell me about zem?
DOCTOR WHAT
What do you want to know?
STEFFEN
Vell – we have seen zat zer villain likes
to use zer virus on vorlds viz small populations,
like zose recovering from wars und disasters.
Zat vay, zere are fewer to infect and less chance
of anyvon developing resistance.
(pointing at the flags)
So, zer after Cuba vorld?
Zey are recovering from ein nuclear war…
DOCTOR WHAT
(shakes head)
Don’t think so—that war was a hundred years ago.
They have over a billion people again now.
The Barney world still has a big population.
But the King’s world had a lot of people die
from that damned mummy’s ageing magic…
STEFFEN
Zen, Zer King’s vorld is zer von ve vant?
DOCTOR WHAT
(grinning)
Bet on it.
He and STEFFEN shake hands.
Cut to –
EXT. – SPACE – ABOVE DEUTSCHERWELT
The AH.com ship and the German ship both break orbit and head off into space.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE
As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT walks onto the bridge, followed by LUAKEL and GBW. LUAKEL stills looks shellshocked, while GBW looks thoughtful.
LEO CAESIUS
Got a transmission for you, Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT
Go on.
KABRALOTH
(VO, tinny)
Good luck to both of you!
Bring the villains to justice
and get us a cure!
DOCTOR WHAT
Will do!
(glances around the bridge)
Hey—where’s Michael?
MATT
We left him on the German ship.
You did say to break orbit as soon
as possible.
DOCTOR WHAT
(dismissively)
Yes, yes. So we’ve still got our
German as well?
As he speaks, the door opens and ALAYTA and LANDSHARK walk in, their arms around each others’ shoulders and each holding a bottle. LANDSHARK is, uncharacteristically, grinning and both are halfway through a drinking song.
LANDSHARK/ALAYTA
(DRINKING SONG)
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey – what are you up to?
LANDSHARK
Oh, just hanging out viz mein
new best friend, ja—yeah?
DOCTOR WHAT gives him a puzzled look, then turns around.
DOCTOR WHAT
(to himself)
Nah—can’t be—we’re vaccinated, right?
(to LEO)
Put me through to the German ship.
The German ship’s bridge appear on the viewscreen.
DOCTOR WHAT
Do you have the coordinates?
SUSANO
Ja! Course laid in!
STEFFEN
(nodding)
Now, at last, ve shall get zem!
DOCTOR WHAT shudders and turns away from the fury in STEFFEN’s eyes.
DOCTOR WHAT
Meet you there.
The bridge image vanishes and is replaced with space.
DOCTOR WHAT
Dave, engage the Shift engines!
DAVE HOWERY
(VO)
What? Look, Doc, I like the engines a lot,
but I’m not willing to go to that level of
commitment, I mean, they might expect
me to marry them next…
DOCTOR WHAT
(loudly)
Shift us to the King’s timeline!
DAVE HOWERY
(VO; tuts)
Well, why didn’t you say so?
DOCTOR WHAT rolls his eyes.
EXT. – SPACE
The German ship and the AH.com ship engage their engines within split seconds of each other, and dive off into colourful vortexes, which then vanish.
EXT. – NEAR EARTH SPACE – DAY
The two ships come out of the vortexes and settle into orbit.
INT. – AH. COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
LEO—scan for any signs of that ‘Hairplane’! And see if you can pick up any transmissions from the planet below from someone in authority. We have to warn them about the danger they may be facing and maybe we can get some help from them.
LEO
Scanning…
(beat)
No sign of the ‘Hairplane’.
(beat)
Hmmm… we may have a problem with getting help
from anyone on the planet below. The entire planet
seems to have been balkanized into various factions.
DOCTOR WHAT
Factions? Over what?
LEO
As near as I can ascertain—which religion
of The King is the true religion.
(beat)
I have intercepted several evangelical TV stations that
appear to broadcasting their messages. On screen now…
The view screen changes to show a large glitzy stage. Colourful banners hang in the background and there appears to be even some kind of choir (all men wearing white jumpsuits) off to one side. A figure (HAGGIS)- dressed in a white jumpsuit as well but this one heavily bejewelled with rhinestones- is at a podium. He is wearing sunglasses and has large black sideburns. He holds a guitar in his hands. He’s in the middle of a smoking rock and roll song.
HAGGIS
That’s right ladies and gentlemen,
The time has come!
Time has come to talk
To that little bit of King inside of you.
Talk to it!
Call it up!
Say “King, heal me!”
“Save me, King!”
“Make me be born again
in the perfect King light”
That’s right!
You’ve got that King inside of ya
and he’s talkin to ya
He says he wants you to sing!
Everybody’s got to sing like the king!
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
Like the King.
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
Get that leg goin’ now.
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
And get your lip too.
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
Not no fool Billy Idol lip either!
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
Everybody!
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
Yeah, we’re rockin’ now.
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
The King is with us.
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
He’s with us and he’s speakin’ to us.
He says, “Peoples!”
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
He says, “Peoples!”
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
“Everybody!”
CHOIR
Uh huh huh.
HAGGIS
“Everybody gotta sing!”
CHOIR
The King is everywhere
The King is everything
The King is everybody
The King is still the king!
LEO changes the station. We now see what appears to be a comfortable looking sitting room with a leather chair, fireplace, bookshelves, etc. A man (DOETH) is sitting in the chair and smiling at the camera.
DOETH
And now my children, I shall read to you a passage from the most Holy Book that resonates with me.
(opens book; starts reading)
And The King saw them berating the poor recording artist, whose music was terrible and lyrics insipid, and Lo, the King said unto the mob:
`Let him who is without bad singles cast the first rhinestone.’
And the mob turned down their eyes, each considering his own ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy’ or ‘Man in the Mirror’, and shuffled off.
`Thank you,’ said The King. `Thank you very much.’
LEO changes the station again—this time showing a dishevelled man (ADAM) in dirty jeans and a t-shirt sitting on a stool. He’s yelling at the camera, practically foaming at the mouth.
ADAM
And I turned to see the voice that spake with me. And being turned,
I saw seven golden records; and in the midst of the seven golden records
one like unto the Son of Zeke, clothed with a jumpsuit down to the foot,
and girthed about the paunch with rhinestones. His hairs were black
like vinyl, as black as Brilcream; and his eyes, how they twinkled,
his dimples, how merry…
Who is this King of Rock-n-Roll? The Lord of Hostess, he is the King of Rock-n-Roll! Shaboom!
LEO shuts off the images.
The entire bridge crew is staring in shock at the view screen.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ok—that has to be the thirty-sixth strangest thing I’ve ever seen.
MATT
Thirty-sixth?
DOCTOR WHAT
Well—okay—maybe not as strange as that planet of sentient
rutabagas we came across that one time. But definitely stranger
than that world with that alt-Othniel as a drummer for Marilyn Manson …
(ponders for a moment)
Maybe thirty-fifth? Thirty-fourth- tops!
MATT
We gotta do something! This world is about to be attacked by that
virus ship and these idiots are fighting each other for the stupidest reasons!
(beat)
The King will never allow this to happen on his watch.
DOCTOR WHAT
You think something happened to him?
MATT
Well—he did say that he was going to go off to find
himself and walk the Earth and all that stuff. Maybe
he just doesn’t know what’s happening?
(beat)
If we find him and tell him what’s happening I’m sure
he’ll kick some sense into those idiots down there—put
together a kick-ass defense at the very least. If only there
was some way we can find him…
DOCTOR WHAT
(stroking goatee thoughtfully)
Hmmmmm…
(beat)
(snapping fingers)
I’ve got it!
(beat)
Ok—this is what we do—me and Matt are going to go down dressed
as disciples of The King and infiltrate one of those churches. Once there,
we’ll use our vast intellectual and military skills to get close to the head
honcho. Once we have him alone, we’ll beam him up to the ship. Once
here, Diamond will use Torq’s biological monstrosities and Thande’s
chemical warfare devices to access the memories of the head dude and
see if we can get any useful information. The rest of the crew—all also
similarly dressed as The King’s disciples- will infiltrate the other churches
and get the leaders of those churches as well. By combining all that
information, we will be able to gain some useful information on the
location of The King. We then track down the King and bring him back
up here with all of the leaders of the churches here on the ship-we will
then be able to sit them down all together over a nice round of tea and
have the King tell them that they should join forces with us to stave off
the impending virus ship. Now that we’ve managed to bring peace to all
the religions, we can then safely put together a plan to stop
that virus ship once and for all.
Long pause.
LEO
Or we could use the teleporter.
(beat)
Use it to beam down to his current whereabouts that
I have managed to find about 30 seconds ago.
DOCTOR WHAT
(without missing a beat)
Or we can use Leo’s plan…
(beat)
OK—Matt, Sharky—come with me.
The three leave the control room.
INT – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
The three of them are standing on the teleporter platform.
DOCTOR WHAT
So—Leo—how did you manage to track down The King so quickly?
LEO
(VO)
There is only One King, Doc.
The three ah.commers nod their heads in sage understanding.
DOCTOR WHAT
So where are we beaming down to, anyway?
LEO
Strangely enough—the King seems to be living in an abandoned supermarket.
The three AH.commers glance at each and then shrug their shoulders.
DOCTOR WHAT
G.Bone—energize!
G.BONE is reading a book (A Brief History of Time).
G.BONE
(giggling under his breath)
That Hawking—what a freak-a-saurus…
(looks up)
Huh? Wha? Oh—yeah—energize!
(hits a few buttons at random)
Okey-dokey!
The three ah.commers disappear with a popping sound.
INT. – ABANDONED SUPERMARKET – DAY
The three ah.commers pop into existence, DOCTOR WHAT in the middle and flanked on each side by LANDSHARK and MATT.
They look around, scanners and flashlights at the ready.
The camera pans slowly around the supermarket. The entire inside has been refurnished to look like a comfortable home—with a sofa, easy chairs, bookshelves- even a TV. Strangely enough—an ivy plant is placed on top of the TV, it’s leaves spilling down and nearly covering the TV.
The King is sitting on a chair reading a book. He glances up.
THE KING
What the-? My God—it’s you!
He smiles and gets up; he runs towards the three AH.commers and gives all three of them a big hug simultaneously, squishing them all together in the process.
LANDSHARK
Zer hair! No touching zer hair!
MATT
Great to see you too, King!
DOCTOR WHAT
(gasping)
Oxygen…becoming…an issue…
THE KING
(releasing them)
What brings you three here?
DOCTOR WHAT
Two things in fact. One about what’s been happening
on this world since you’ve been gone—the other about
an imminent threat to this world from outside.
THE KING
(confused)
Huh? What are you talking about? What’s
been happening here while I’ve been gone?
The AH.commers glance at one another in confusion.
MATT
Told you that he wouldn’t have allowed this to happen if he knew.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m sorry King but—how can you NOT know what’s
going on there? Don’t you watch TV or anything?
THE KING
I don’t watch TV. It’s a cultural wasteland filled with inappropriate metaphors
and an unrealistic portrayal of life created by the liberal media elite.
DOCTOR WHAT
(grim faced)
We’ve got some bad news to tell you, King…
MATT pulls out a machete and, with one dramatic sweep, slices through the ivy, revealing the TV screen. He then turns it on, and with a cough of static, the TV tunes in. THE KING watches in silence as MATT flips it between the different stations we saw before. A vein begins to pulsate in his forehead as he reddens with anger.
THE KING
(quietly)
All this aggravation ain’t satisfactionin’ me.
Wordlessly, THE KING pulls out a revolver and shoots the TV, which explodes in a shower of sparks. MATT leaps back with a yelp. THE KING turns to DOCTOR WHAT, a resolute expression on his face..
THE KING
Damn—I have been gone for far too long
(shakes head)
Every time I think that I’m getting old, and gradually
going to the grave, something else happens.
(beat)
And you mentioned a threat to my world from outside as well?
DOCTOR WHAT nods his head.
DOCTOR WHAT
It’s like this…
WIPE CUT TO-
A FEW MINUTES LATER
THE KING sitting in a chair, obviously in shock. He blinks a few times and shakes his head. He stands up with a determined look on his face.
THE KING
I’ve got some serious butt-kicking to do when I get back to civilization!
And I’ll tell you guys this—even if you fail, my people and I will fight
the virus until the very end! No way am I going to allow my people—
or any others- to go through something like that! Bring me back to Memphis—
we have a planet to save!
MATT
(pumping his fist)
YES!
DOCTOR WHAT
(opening his comm.)
Doc to the ship—we’ve got work to do! FOUR to beam up!
The four figures disappear with a pop.
Suddenly, a big pile of cornflake boxes stirs and a derelict, EVILMITTENS, glances around.
EVILMITTENS
The King has left the building.
(throws up)
Cut to:
EXT. – CARIBBEAN ISLAND – DAY
THANDE and TORQUMADA are still hard at work, mixing things, pouring things into other things, distilling things, and writing things in notebooks. As we watch, THANDE extracts some yellow liquid from a condenser, fills a syringe with it, and then injects an increasingly pissed-off looking ROBERTP6165. He’s already got green skin and an ear growing in the middle of his forehead from some of their earlier ‘efforts’.
ROBERTP6165
Damnyankee bastards, why I’ll-
TORQUMADA diplomatically stuffs a Confederate flag into ROBERTP6165’s mouth, shutting him up. THANDE glances at the readings on his scanner, then shakes his head sadly.
THANDE
Ee, chuff me, nowt.
Back ter t’tin bath, Ah suppows.
TORQUMADA
Boy, you say boy, you say what?
I don’ unnerstan’ a word you say, boy?
THANDE
Speak up, cloth-ears!
They glance at each other in mutual incomprehension and go back to their work. From a distance, the MOSQUITO and BOBO look on.
MOSQUITO
It’s not looking good.
The virus is going to overtake them
Before they’ll make a new cure.
BOBO
Bobo. Not. Let. Torqumada. Be. Harmed.
MOSQUITO
(sighing)
I’m sure you wouldn’t, but we can’t
fight a virus. We can only help them fight it.
BOBO bobs up and down, ‘nodding’.
BOBO
Bobo. Help. Torqumada.
BOBO glides off, fetching TORQUMADA another tray of test tubes. The MOSQUITO sighs again.
MOSQUITO
(musingly)
I wonder if there are any tasty flowers on this island…?
Cut to:
EXT. – SPACE – THE HAIRPLANE
We see the HAIRPLANE drifting through space.
INT. – HAIRPLANE – MAIN CHAMBER – DAY
The room is deserted save for JUSTIN PICKARD in the centre of his throne, illuminated by flickering candles all about. He is almost motionless, meditating, but is playing with a strand of the hair that comes from his head and chin, blending into the mass of hair throughout the ship.
As we watch, NEK enters. As before, he is wearing elaborate robes and is bald save for a single tuft of golden hair taped to his forehead.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(stirring)
What is it, my Hirsuite Prime?
NEK
(saluting)
Your Hairiness, sir. We are ready
to attack the next system.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(acidly)
Do not use such words, my apprentice!
We do not attack, we purge of philosophical inaccuracy and bigotry!
(smiles beatifically, with a mad look in his eyes)
Stereotypes are entirely false and wrong, so the only way to make things
right is to change things so that they become true!
NEK
(avoiding his gaze)
And there’s the other thing, too…
JUSTIN PICKARD
(changes expression abruptly)
Ah yes. To purge all traces of the heretical Goatists
from all of the multiverse…
JUSTIN PICKARD angrily picks up a candle and crushes it in his hand. The flame goes out.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(coldly)
One day we shall have our revenge.
NEK
Yessir. So what is our next target?
JUSTIN PICKARD glances at a huge map of nearby space, made up of contours like the Germans’ map. He stabs a single finger at one planet. His hand is withered and has long, pointed, claw-like fingernails.
JUSTIN PICKARD
There! The world ruled by the King of Rock an’ Roll!
(sour expression)
They must learn that indie music is the true path!
NEK
I obey, my lord!
NEK bows and retreats. JUSTIN PICKARD smiles.
EXT. – SPACE – HAIRPLANE
The HAIRPLANE engages its engines and dives into a colourful vortex.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – VARIOUS
A montage of scenes showing the AH.commers and the Germans preparing for the ambush:
The AH.com ship shuttlebay – PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G.BONE fiddling with the shuttles, attaching extra weapons to their wings, while LANDSHARK wanders past, munching puzzledly on a piece of sauerkraut…
The conference room at the back of the bridge – a hologram of the Hairplane rotates above the desk and ALAYTA is pointing at different areas, then gesturing frantically at a sheaf of papers on a clipboard. GBW nods and fiddles with the controls. The hologram shifts to a simulated battle, but we see the little holograms of the AH.com ship and the German ship be destroyed almost immediately. GBW and ALAYTA shake their heads and begin pointing at the hologram all over again.
The interior of the German ship – CARLTON BACH and MAX SINISTER are welding up a crack in the bulkhead caused by the AH.com ship’s earlier attack, while MICHAEL holds a box of tools. They are all still singing raucously in German and appear either drunk or hungover.
Interior of one of the great churches we saw on the TV – ADAM, DOETH and HAGGIS are all on stage, fighting each other, as their white-suited followers in the audience also throw LP records and guitars at each other. Then, suddenly, a bright spotlight illuminates a figure at the back of the stage and, unbelieving, everyone bows down as THE KING enters, waving.
THE KING
Thank you. Thank you verra’ much.
(rubs hands together)
Right! We’ve got a job to do!
(begins shouting orders)
Build it up! Knock it down!
Hold it square! Roll it around!
Throw it in the air! Stick it in the ground!
ADAM/DOETH/HAGGIS
Sorry, what are we doing again?
THE KING angrily hits them over the head with his microphone stand.
THE KING
You can’t get mad – you’re just roustabouts!
Everyone cheers as the three zealots get busted back down to the same level as everyone else. The church goes into action as all THE KING’s followers begin following his orders. We then go through another short montage of THE KING’s followers, all still wearing their white suits, building what appears to be concrete underground shelters and runways. THE KING looks on, occasionally helping the work gangs out, although he’s always eating a cheeseburger with his free hand, and nods in satisfaction.
Finally, we return to the bridge of the AH.com ship…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT walks on, pulling his shirt. Behind him, we see DAVE HOWERY supervising a grumbling MATT and WEAPON M as, between them, they drag on a big, heavy slab of blue, rock-like material. We can see similar slabs already piled behind them, and G.BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are helping to rivet them to the bridge walls.
MATT
(panting)
What’s all this about, anyway?
DAVE HOWERY
GBW said that LEO found
out that the Hairplane uses a special
kind of powerful energy weapon that
uses technobabblyon particles.
(shrugs)
Fortunately, ALAYTA happened to know that this
mineral from the German planet, Blue Schvädeschüz,
absorbs technobabblyon particles.
(beat)
We can use it to shield the bridge.
WEAPON M
(grumbling)
“We”, he says. Guess who’ll end up putting it up…
MATT and WEAPON M set down the slab of Blue Schvädeschüz next to the others, none too gently, and feel their backs with a wince. DAVE HOWERY clucks and examines the slabs carefully.
DAVE HOWERY
They have to be perfect or they won’t work!
MATT
Yeah, yeah – whatever…
In the foreground, DOCTOR WHAT nods to GBW, who’s at the comm system.
DOCTOR WHAT
Get me planetary defence command…
GBW presses some buttons. THE KING appears on the screen, surrounded by his followers. They are all still wearing their white suits but they have now painted camouflage patterns on top of them.
DOCTOR WHAT
Your Majesty! Are you prepared like we asked?
THE KING
Sure and more, uhuhuh.
We built those shelters so as many of our
people will be protected. But we want to do more…
DOCTOR WHAT
Really—I don’t think there’s anything—
DOCTOR WHAT’s voice trails off and the camera pulls back to reveal that THE KING is standing next to an F-16 fighter, with other FOLLOWERS refueling and rearming it. Around it are several other fighters.
MATT and WEAPON M are so surprised at this that they both take a step backwards onto DAVE HOWERY’s armour slabs.
DAVE HOWERY
(enraged)
DON’T STEP ON MY BLUE SCHVÄDESCHÜZ!!
THE KING
(glancing up)
Nice! I might use that.
(to DOCTOR WHAT, seriously)
We might not be able to do much,
but we’ll do what we can.
(grimly)
We’ll give this virus guy a bloody nose.
DOCTOR WHAT
(clearly overcome)
Well, I…
THE KING
(winks)
See you at the Heartbreak Motel, my friend.
THE KING starts humming ‘G.I. Blues’ and the transmission cuts off. DOCTOR WHAT stares at the screen for a few moments.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wow. He really IS the King.
(shakes his head)
OK—put me through to the Germans.
STEFFEN appears on the screen. In the background, we can see MICHAEL, wearing a spiked WW1 helmet, playing a furious game of table football with CARLTON BACH.
DOCTOR WHAT
You’re ready?
STEFFEN
(grimly)
As ve’ll ever be.
Ve’ve protected our bridge viz Blue Schvädeschüz as vell.
But our weapons aren’t as advanced as yours.
If ve’re going to haff a chance at taking him on…
DOCTOR WHAT
Right—we’ll be at the front.
MATT
(grumbling)
As always…
STEFFEN is about to open his mouth to respond, but in the background, we see MICHAEL suddenly spin the ball through all CARLTON BACH’s players and into the goal. Grinning, MICHAEL grabs a box of spare figurines and tips them over the table.
MICHAEL
Some people are on the pitch!
They think it’s all over!
It is now!
CARLTON BACH looks up with a vengeful look in his eyes, but then his console starts to beep. He glances down and pales.
CARLTON BACH
Sir, we’ve detected a vortex. Something is emerging…
DOCTOR WHAT glances at GBW, who nods.
GBW
(quietly)
It’s the Hairplane.
DOCTOR WHAT
(addressing everyone)
OK—this is it, people. Either we win,
or another planet falls to the virus and
they all become mindless stereotypes.
(grimly)
This world has already been almost destroyed once.
I’m not going to let it happen again.
The AH.commers and Germans nod and make sounds of assent.
SUSANO
Ve vill kick zeir schweinhund arses!
STEFFEN
(nodding)
Ja. Zis time he vill be brought to justice.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good luck everyone. Screen off.
GBW complies, and DOCTOR WHAT sits in his captain’s seat.
DOCTOR WHAT
Let’s roll.
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
The Hairplane shoots out of the vortex and flies towards the Earth.
As it nears the Earth—both the AH.Com and German ship appear in view.
The AH.Com ship fires a barrage of missiles at the Hairplane.
EXT. – DIFFERENT VIEW – SPACE
We see the missiles fly towards the Hairplane. The Hairplane suddenly makes some frantic evasive maneuvers.
We see the missiles fly right by the Hairplane—missing it by mere feet—and fly off into space.
The German ship swings into view and fires a barrage of particle beams at the Hairplane as the AH.Com fires a barrage of both missiles and particle beams at the Hairplane.
The Hairplane’s shields sparkle spectacularly as the barrage of the weapons fire from the two ships slams into it.
CLOSE- UP
Three large gun barrels erupting out of the hull of the Hairplane.
The Hairplane fires three large glowing green ‘balls of energy’ from the guns—they head straight towards the German ship.
CLOSE-UP
The German ship frantically tries to dodge. One… then two…of the green glowing balls miss the German ship.
But the third slams into the German ship with a fantastic explosion of energy. Long green tendrils – like lightning bolts – spray out along the entire hull of the German ship, its shields sparkling and sputtering.
The lights on the German ship suddenly go black and the German ship’s engines sputter to a stop –momentum being the only thing making the ship move.
We see the Hairplane’s guns begin to charge up again and fire three more ‘green glowing balls’ at the German ship.
EXT. – DIFFERENT VIEW OF SPACE – DAY
We see the three glowing balls head straight towards the now helpless ship. Mere seconds before they impact, we see –
—the AH.Com ship fly directly into their path!
The three balls explode, spreading tendrils of green energy all along the ship’s hull. For just the briefest of moments, the ship’s power cuts off—-but just as quickly, it’s restored.
INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
Nice job Sharky!
LANDSHARK
Ja! I am zer bestest pilot of all!
DOCTOR WHAT
(gives LANDSHARK a funny look, but shrugs)
Matt! Blast that fucking ship with everything we have!
MATT
Ja! I mean— Hee-Haw!!
EXT. – SPACE – DAY
The AH.Com ship fires a barrage of weapons and missiles at the Hairplane. The Hairplane manages to dodge and weave out of the way of most—but not all—of the weapons. Some of them slam into the Hairplane’s shields, making them sparkle.
INT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
We see JUSTIN PICKARD, a look of pure fury on his face.
JUSTIN PICKARD
DESTROY THAT SHIP!!
The BALD GOONS, sitting at various hair-covered consoles, nod and begin frantically pushing buttons.
EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
The Hairplane fires three more green balls at the AH.Com ship.
INT. – AH. COM BRIDGE – DAY
The view screen shows the Hairplane firing.
MATT
Here they come!
EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY
The three green energy balls slams into the shields of the AH.Com ship. The power once again flickers off and on for a few seconds—and then, with a final flicker, turns off completely.
The AH.Com ship lies motionless in space, completely exposed.
INT. – AH. COM BRIDGE – DAY
Emergency lights are on while everyone on the bridge are frantically flipping switches, pushing buttons, etc.
DOCTOR WHAT
(pressing button on armrest)
DAVE! I need main power back for us to do the next part of our plan!
INT. – AH.COM ENGINEERING – DAY
DAVE HOWERY is talking on an intercom. Behind him we see PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DMA working frantically.
DAVE HOWERY
Those technobabblyon weapons have screwed up
our systems, but the Blue Schvädeschüz has restricted the damage.
(DMA holds up his hand, HOWERY nods)
I can get you full power within 30 seconds!
Behind him, we see PSYCHOMELTDOWN grasp a huge cable and plug it into an outlet. There is a massive spark of electricity and PSYCHOMELTDOWN is catapulted 20 feet backwards into a bulkhead and collapses to the floor. He slowly staggers up, his clothes smoking, his face covered in burn marks and his hair now a gigantic afro. He stands up for a few more seconds and then collapses face down onto the floor again, his limbs twitching in a rather unhealthy manner. We see DAVE glance back and then turn back to the intercom.
DAVE HOWERY
Better make that 45 seconds!
INT. – AH. COM BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
Matt?
MATT
We may not have 45 seconds!
(points at view screen)
The Hairplane is approaching the AH.COM at frighteningly fast speeds, its weapons charging up again.
EXT. – AH. COM SHIP – DAY
The Hairplane approaches the AH.Com ship and fires another barrage of energy balls at them.
CLOSE –ON
The three green glowing balls heading straight towards the unprotected ah.com ship.
Seconds before they impact, we see flying in front of the ah.com ship –
—the German ship!
INT. – GERMAN SHIP BRIDGE – DAY
STEFFEN
Brace fur zer Impakt!
EXT. – GERMAN SHIP – DAY
The three green glowing balls impact on the German ship, shutting down its power again.
EXT. –SPACE –DAY
The Hairplane narrowly flies out of the way of the drifting German ship and continues flying towards the AH.Com ship—and the Earth.
It charges up its weapons again.
Just as it is about to fire—
—several missiles streak in from behind and impact on the rear of the Hairplane!
The Hairplane flies out of control for a few seconds, its shields down…
INT. – AH. COM BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
Alright! Your idea worked GBW! Those bastards forgot all about
those missiles we fired before and never knew what hit them!
(beat)
How are the Germans doing?
MATT
They should have full power up in a minute or so. Thank God
that Blue Schvädeschüz managed to absorb the bulk of the
technobabble energy—they would have been well and
truly screwed without it.
DOCTOR WHAT
Speaking of being totally screwed—how are WE doing?
MATT
Main power up in less than ten seconds!
(glances at some screens)
The Virus ship should have its shields
up in less than twenty seconds!
DOCTOR WHAT
We’re going to cut this close
(hits comm. button)
Teleporter Room! Get ready to send over the team
the second the power comes back up!
INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
We see FLOCCULENCIO, WEAPON M, IRONYUPPIE, ALAYTA and DIAMOND on the teleporter pads, all carrying BFGs.
G. BONE is lounging in an easy chair, looking at an Archie comic book that he’s holding upside down.
G. BONE
(distractedly)
Whoa—freaky—it finally makes sense…
(hits comm. button while still staring at the comic book)
Will do, Doc!
EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – DAY
The main power comes back on and we see lights, weapons, shields, etc slowly being activated all over the ship.
INT. – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
NOW!
G.BONE hits a few buttons and the five crewmembers disappear with a pop. He goes back to his Archie comic book.
G.BONE
Mmmmm—Betty is one major babe-licious hottie!
INT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
The five appear with a popping sound and fan out, running down a hair-lined corridor with their weapons drawn. FLOCCULENCIO gives the ever-present hair a concerned, distant look, as though struggling to remember something, but then shrugs and follows the others.
EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
The Hairplane flies towards the Earth, the AH.Com ship struggling to catch up behind it. We see, off in the distance, the German ship slowly powering up.
INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM– DAY
JUSTIN PICKARD
Time to Virus release?!
RAN EXILIS
Two minutes, sire!
JUSTIN PICKARD
What about those idiots in orbit?
RAN EXILIS
The ship registered as AH.COM
will not be able to intercept us for
two minutes and twenty seconds.
The German ship is a full four
minutes from intercepting us.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Excellent.
(presses a button on his armrest)
A view screen comes down from the ceiling. It crackles with static for a second to reveal NEK, standing at attention.
NEK
Your Hairiness!
JUSTIN PICKARD
Another moment of triumph is upon us, Hirsute Prime!
NEK
I shall not fail you -
INT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
We see the ALAYTA and the AH.commers walking down a corridor. They turn a corner to see NEK, speaking to a view screen. On the view screen, in full view, is JUSTIN PICKARD.
NEK
—not fail you, my Villousness.
JUSTIN PICKARD suddenly glances up and sees the AH.commers, gasping in shock. NEK, seeing JUSTIN’s expression turns around—and sees FLOCCULENCIO.
NEK
(eyes widening in shock)
You?
JUSTIN PICKARD
(enraged)
You!
FLOCCULENCIO
(glancing at both NEK and JUSTIN PICKARD; his eyes burn red)
GAAAA-AAAAAARGH!!!
FLOCCULENCIO fires a blast from his BFG at the viewscreen, shattering it and spraying debris everywhere. NEK yelps and ducks out of the way. He looks up to see FLOCCULENCIO charging at him, totally enraged beyond all semblance of sanity.
FLOCCULENCIO
DIE HERETIC!
The two collapse in a heap, FLOCCULENCIO mercilessly punching NEK as ALAYTA and the AH.commers try to separate the two.
INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM– DAY
JUSTIN PICKARD
(turning to face RAN EXILIS, enraged)
The Foul One himself is here! Destroy him at once!
RAN EXILIS presses a button, setting off a ship wide alarm.
EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
The Hairplane enters the Earth’s atmosphere, the AH.Com ship close behind it.
INT. – AH.COM BRIDGE – DAY
DOCTOR WHAT
Faster! We need more speed!
MATT
Any faster and the engines will fly apart!
DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
Then let them fly apart!
EXT. – AH.COM SHIP –DAY
The ship gives a little bit of extra speed and enters the Earth’s atmosphere after the Hairplane.
EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
The Hairplane is flying over a landscape and begins to slow down.
INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM –DAY
RAN EXILIS
Preparing for virus release, Sire!
(beat)
Sire?
RAN EXILIS looks up from his console to see JUSTIN PICKARD sitting on his chair, his face an angry red color.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(shaking head and muttering under his breath)
He’s here…he’s actually here…
(beat; glances up and seems to hear RAN EXILIS for the first time)
Release the virus! Now!
RAN EXILIS
Dropping shields now—releasing the virus bomb in five seconds. Five, four…
INT. – HAIRPLANE –DAY
We see a bomb-bay door slowly begin to slide open.
Suddenly—a missile streaks into view and slams into the bomb-bay door, raising a small fireball and jamming the door before it can fully open!
INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM –DAY
JUSTIN PICKARD
(glancing up in shock)
What?! What’s going on?!
EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
We see flying towards the camera—-
—six F-16 fighter jets!
The lead F-16 is piloted by—
THE KING!
CLOSE- UP
THE KING
IT’S ASS KICKING TIME!!!
The six F-16s each launch a missile.
REVERSE SHOT
We see six missiles streak towards the Hairplane—-and explode on its hull, sending ripples of flames and debris along its entire length!
The hair itself begins to burn.
INT. – HAIRPLANE THRONE ROOM –DAY
The ship is a mess—alarms are going off, emergency lights are flickering off and on, smoke and a few flames can be seen here and there
JUSTIN PICKARD
RELEASE THE BOMB!
RAN EXILIS
We can’t sire! The bomb bay doors are not functioning!
(beat)
Sire! We have multiple hull breaches! We must shift immediately and return to the Hub for repairs!
JUSTIN PICKARD
(still apparently in shock)
Yes…yes—we must escape…
EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
The Hairplane puts on a burst of speed and changes course, flying straight upwards and leaving the F-16s behind.
EXT- EARTH ORBIT –DAY
We see the Hairplane streak away from Earth.
Close behind it—and catching quickly up—the AH.Com ship.
INT. -AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE –DAY
MATT
They’re getting ready to open up another vortex!
DOCTOR WHAT
Can we shoot them?
MATT
They won’t be in range for another thirty seconds!
DOCTOR WHAT
What about the guys we sent over?
INT. – HAIRPLANE –DAY
Alarms are going off and the whole ship is shaking but FLOCCULENCIO is completely unconcerned as he is too busy trying to strangle NEK.
WEAPON M is trying – with limited success – to pull him off.
WEAPON M
Dude—we need him alive when we teleport off this ship.
FLOCCULENCIO
(finally manages some semblance of sanity)
But I can hurt him? Hurt him a lot? Right?
WEAPON M
(shrugging shoulders)
Sure thing.
Both WEAPON M and FLOCCULENCIO start kicking NEK. ALAYTA joins in a few seconds later. IRONYUPPIE and DIAMOND glance at one another, shrug their shoulders and join in as well.
There is a shimmer of sparkling light and all of them—including NEK—disappear with a loud popping sound.
EXT. – HAIRPLANE – DAY
A vortex opens up and the Hairplane enters it. The vortex closes a few seconds later before either the AH.com or the German ship can enter it.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY
The image of the closing vortex is visible on the main screen and several secondaries. DOCTOR WHAT slams down his fist.
DOCTOR WHAT
DAMMIT!
(glances at ceiling)
Leo, did you get their vector?
LEO CAESIUS
Sorry. Those technobabbylon weapons
have messed up my navigational sensors.
(beat)
Also, I seem to have some corrupted data
in my navicomputer memory banks…
DOCTOR WHAT
(impatiently)
Yeah, whatever, that can wait.
Matt, get me the Germans.
MATT nods and STEFFEN’s image appears on the main screen. The German bridge is even more beat up than the AH.com ship’s. As we watch, CARLTON BACH uses a fire extinguisher to put out a burning console. MICHAEL opens up another, sparking console. He uses the spark to light a cigar, then puts a spanner inside and twists, turning off the damaged console, and stands back, puffing the cigar.
STEFFEN
(to DOCTOR WHAT, enraged)
Zey got avay!
SUSANO
Again!
DOCTOR WHAT
(grimly)
I know. At least we managed to damage them.
STEFFEN
(shaking his head)
Ja, ist somezing, but…
MATT
(interrupting)
Wait.
DOCTOR WHAT turns in surprise.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well? What is it?
MATT
(listening to his earpiece)
Report from G.Bone…
Two things: apparently Betty is a smokin’ hottie,
whatever that means, and our team managed to
beam back just before the virus ship entered the vortex.
(beat)
They have a prisoner.
DOCTOR WHAT exchanges a glance with STEFFEN.
STEFFEN
(thoughtfully)
Vell, zis is [u]different…[/u]
SUSANO
Ja, now ve may haff a vay to know
vere he vill strike next!
STEFFEN
(shaking his head)
Nein, after zat damage, he vill
return to zer Hub for repairs.
After zat, maybe, zough…
SUSANO
(angrily)
If only ve could ambush zem [u]at[/u] zer Hub!
DOCTOR WHAT
Look, Deutsch dudes, you really don’t want to
get Ian angry—trust me on this.
(shudders with the memory, then looks thoughtful)
Although…even if we can’t ambush them,
maybe we can do something else…
(glances up)
I’ll get back to you. Good luck with your repairs.
STEFFEN
Ja, und you.
STEFFEN’s image vanishes. DOCTOR WHAT glances at the bridge crew.
DOCTOR WHAT
OK—get that prisoner locked up and then we’ll see
about questioning him. And Kit needs to see me in an hour.
MATT
(shocked)
You’re not going to let him do the interrogation!
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not a monster!
(shakes his head)
No, I have another task for him.
MATT
OK, so what are you doing now,
going to look at the damage?
DOCTOR WHAT
No, Dave can handle it.
I’m off to make our thanks…
EXT. – NEVADA – DESERT AIRFIELD – NIGHT
The AH.com shuttle ‘Halle Berry’ lands on a contemporary airfield that is otherwise covered with various U.S. fighter planes of the 1980s. It is local night but the airfield is brightly lit, and there are fireworks going off in the background, throwing flashes of light across the whole desert. In front of the aircraft hangars, we can see a group of white-suited pilots and mechanics cheering and partying to ‘Viva Las Vegas’, while the planes themselves have been pimped with lights and decorations.
DOCTOR WHAT gets out of the shuttle and goes to the edge of the airfield, where a lone figure is watching the fireworks and celebrations from a distance.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, Your Majesty?
THE KING
(turning)
Hey. How did it go?
DOCTOR WHAT
(shaking his head)
Our ships were damaged, and
that virus ship managed to escape.
But like you said, we gave them a bloody nose.
(looks at THE KING with respect)
They’d still have managed to do it if
it hadn’t been for your fighters.
THE KING
(waving him away)
Hey, we’d have been toast without
your warning and help, uhuhuh.
(gazing off into the darkness)
I wish I could come and help you
take down those bastards for good.
DOCTOR WHAT
Nah, I can’t ask you to leave your people.
THE KING
(nodding, restless expression)
I’m all shook up. But I know they’d
fall into bad ways again if I left them.
(shakes his head, but fondly, at the celebrating people)
One day I won’t be able to come back and save them.
DOCTOR WHAT
But you’re THE KING!
THE KING
(nodding)
Yeah, but everyone has their time.
(sighs)
Well, enough of these blues.
Good luck with your hunt, and don’t be a stranger.
Drop me a line if you ever need help again.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Thank you. Thank you very much.
THE KING
(laughing)
Hey, that’s my line!
DOCTOR WHAT laughs as well, and then walks back to the shuttle, shaking his head. THE KING watches him go, then turns back to the celebrations. After a while, he grins to himself.
THE KING
Hey, no man is an island, though if I keep eating these
cheeseburgers and then go for a swim, I might come close.
(raises hand to lips)
Hey, you guys! Make way for the King!
THE KING jumps atop one of the planes and begins playing his guitar.
THE KING
(singing)
Saturday night, the world’s got saved,
We’ve fooled around with planes and we don’t even get paid,
My heartbeat’s going half the time
but this Saturday night, baby, I feel fine!
The shuttle roars overhead, leaving a trail of fire in the sky as the fireworks go off, and THE KING salutes it.
THE KING
(still singing)
We’re gonna rock it up,
we’re gonna rip it up,
we’re gonna shake it up,
we’re gonna ball it up,
We’re gonna rock it up,
have a ball tonight!
THE KING dives into the crowd, everyone cheering. Fade to-
EXT. – SPACE – THE HAIRPLANE
A brooding JUSTIN PICKARD sits on his throne, while RAN EXILIS and the other BALD GOONS hastily make repairs to the damaged consoles. RAN EXILIS, looking nervous, goes up to JUSTIN PICKARD.
RAN EXILIS
My lord…
JUSTIN PICKARD
(to himself)
Him. After all this time. Here.
How can it be?
How can…he have?
(shakes his head)
Yes? What is it, my servant?
RAN EXILIS
(licking his lips)
The emergency shift burned out our
engines, but they should be repaired within
an hour. We can then Shift to the Hub for repairs.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(steepling his fingers)
Good. We must repair the bomb bay doors immediately!
Our crusade cannot be impeded!
(scowls)
Where is my Hirsuite Prime?
RAN EXILIS
(glancing nervously at the other BALD GOONS)
My lord…we believe that…they took him.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(slowly)
They…they who were with the…Foul One?
(eyes go red with anger)
They took my Hirsuite Prime, my apprentice?!
RAN EXILIS
Yes, my lord.
JUSTIN PICKARD
(softly)
He shall be avenged.
JUSTIN PICKARD reaches into his pocket and pulls out a new tuft of golden hair, which he tosses to a surprised RAN EXILIS.
JUSTIN PICKARD
You are the new Hirsuite Prime.
RAN EXILIS
(surprised, overcome)
Yes, Your Hairiness!
JUSTIN PICKARD
(staring into the middle distance)
Which means we have further business at the Hub.
We have…a vacancy…
Cut to:
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – DARKENED ROOM
DOCTOR WHAT enters the back of what appears to be one of TORQUMADA’s med-bays, but the lights are off. WEAPON M stands guard at the door.
DOCTOR WHAT
He’s in there?
WEAPON M nods.
DOCTOR WHAT goes in. We follow his POV – the room is almost totally dark but lit by the light spilling in from the air vents. Dimly, we can see two figures tied to chairs.
DOCTOR WHAT
(surprised)
I thought you said there was only one prisoner.
WEAPON M
Yeah…there was.
WEAPON M turns on a spotlight and the room is illuminated. DOCTOR WHAT takes a step back in surprise and revulsion. The two figures in the chairs are facing each other, straining at their bindings, and biting at the gags in their mouths. Their eyes are glowing red with anger and steam is virtually pouring from their ears.
They are NEK, and FLOCCULENCIO.
DOCTOR WHAT
Flocc? Flocc, explain yourself!
DOCTOR WHAT yanks the gag out of FLOCCULENCIO’s mouth.
FLOCCULENCIO
(in a sudden rush)
Let me at him, let me at him!
Let the righteous horns of the Goat
gore through his black heart and-
DOCTOR WHAT pulls out NEK’s gag as well and he immediately begins shouting as well.
NEK
Foul one! You shall soon taste the bitter taint
of the holy virus of the Studenty-Haired One-
FLOCCULENCIO
(even more enraged)
You shall not mention the name of the
Great Satan in my presence!
NEK
JUSTIN PICKARD!
FLOCCULENCIO
(blows completely)
GA-AAAARGH!
Suddenly, with the strength of a madman, FLOCCULENCIO rips through his bonds and leaps out of the chair, pushing DOCTOR WHAT aside and going towards the still-bound NEK. He yanks his bottle of Satanic Appletini out of his pocket and reverses it in his hand.
FLOCCULENCIO
I’ll bash your impure brains out, Lesser Satan!
FLOCCULENCIO takes a swing with the bottle, but as it’s upside down, there’s no cork and it magically refills, a continuous torrent of Appletini pours out and pools at his feet, with the result that his anchor foot slips, he overbalances and thuds to the floor, knocking himself out on one of the legs of NEK’s chair. NEK tries to spit on his body, but misses. The Appletini continues to pool around FLOCC until DOCTOR WHAT hastily sets the bottle upright.
DOCTOR WHAT
Jeez, he always seemed like one of the
more sane—uh, I mean, less noticeably insane—
members of this crew.
WEAPON M
Must be all that curry.
DOCTOR WHAT
(nodding)
Yeah.
(to NEK)
OK, you virus-bombing bozo, we want some answers!
NEK
(acidly)
I’ll never talk!
DOCTOR WHAT
(puts hands on hips)
Oh really. Then maybe we should just
leave, and wait for our friend FLOCC
to recover…and let him persuade you.
NEK
(licking his lips in defiance)
I would die for the Hairy One!
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighing)
OK then it’ll have to be a fate worse than death.
(opens his communicator)
Erikka? Yes? Put Landie down for a moment,
oh, I’m sure he can survive being impaled on that
bed of nails for a few hours, yes, and we have a new toy for you…
TIME LAPSE –
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR
To a cacophony distant, echoing screams, DOCTOR WHAT and the others walk down the corridor.
WEAPON M
So this Pickard guy recruits bald guys
to be his goons?
DOCTOR WHAT
Seems so. Which gives me an idea…
A door opens and KIT comes out, smirking to himself about something or other as usual.
KIT
You wanted to see me, Doc?
DOCTOR WHAT
That’s right. I have a little job for you..
KIT
Well, Doc, I’m glad to see that you’ve finally
stopped lying to yourself and are prepared to
embrace the world of man-on-man action…
DOCTOR WHAT
(patiently)
Not that, you Welsh goit!
KIT
(disappointed)
Oh.
DOCTOR WHAT
(into his communicator)
Dave? What’s our ETA for the Hub?
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – ENGINEERING – DAY
A big panel on the side of one of the main engine sections is open and DAVE HOWERY is doing something vigorous with a very big tool, resulting in clouds of soot flying out and blackening everything. HOWERY pauses for a moment to answer the comm.
DAVE HOWERY
We’re still not 100%, Doc,
but we’re Shift-capable.
We can Shift to the Hub now.
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Yeah, Steffen says the same.
Good work, Dave.
DAVE HOWERY puts down the comm and then pulls out the tool to reveal that it is, in fact, the still-frozen-electrocuted-with-afro-hair PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who he is using as a chimney sweep brush. HOWERY casually leans the rigid PSYCHOMELTDOWN against a console and then goes over to the side of the engine, yanking down on a huge lever. The tone of the engines changes as the ship enters the vortex.
DAVE HOWERY
(surveying the engine bay)
Good, now what…
(looks at the rigid PSYCHO-brush thoughtfully)
Hmm, the toilet in my quarters needs unblocking…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR
As before. DOCTOR WHAT puts his comm away.
DOCTOR WHAT
So you’d better get ready, Kit.
KIT
(confused)
But you haven’t said what you want me to do.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh, yeah. Well, it’s like this – you know that…
friend of yours you met in the Hub?
Fade to black
INT. – HUB – OUROBOROS – DAY
The camera pans slowly over, showing that this part of the Pub is dark and rather dingy. The camera stops on one table, showing two figures sitting close to each other deep in conversation. We notice that one of them is KIT—but the other one is unfamiliar…
Oddly enough, the mystery figure is wearing an extremely colourful British Admiral costume (circa 19th century), with a heavy emphasis on gold lame, red chiffon and numerous medals and ribbons. This is FELLATIO NELSON
KIT
…and that’s our dilemma. We desperately need a favour. You think you can help us?
FELLATIO NELSON
A perplexing dilemma to be sure.
(beat)
This requires the full resources of my capabilities thrusting into action.
KIT
Indeed. But do you think you are fully up to it completely?
(beat)
Perhaps you may need a hand or two to assist you?
FELLATIO NELSON
I daresay that I am fully capable of having the situation well
in hand on my own but rest assured that if I am in need of any
assistance, your name will be on my lips in a moment.
KIT
Ah—I feel such a shudder of warmth hearing that.
(beat)
Although I am worried about what assistance little
old me can offer. There are very few skills I can offer.
FELLATIO NELSON
Tut, tut! There are all kinds of things I can teach you!
KIT
Really? I’m intrigued. Rest assured that I am a fast learner and
can pick up things rather quickly. Indeed—I daresay that there
may be a point where I may be able to reciprocate and teach
you some special skills I’ve picked up in my travels.
FELLATIO NELSON
Indeed—but I must emphasize that in all teaching situations
it is important to remember that I’m the one in full control
and my students must follow my instructions explicitly
and without fail. Know what I mean?
KIT
(nodding head)
Right—you’re on top.
(beat)
But back to our dilemma. Do you have a cunning plan?
FELLATIO NELSON
Indeed—the formation of a most fascinating
notion is beginning to rise within me.
KIT
(smiling)
Looking forward to seeing the full glory of that in action.
FELLATIO NELSON
If I may blow my own horn for a moment—I daresay
it will be most impressive once it explodes into action.
(beat)
Although I must be careful of such things—
such thoughts cause my ego to swell.
KIT
(nodding)
Ay— but proudly I hope?
FELLATIO NELSON
Beyond belief…
KIT
Indeed.
FELLATIO NELSON
(standing up)
Now if you will excuse me—I must make certain enquires and
contact certain… uh… ‘friends’ of mine to facilitate the rest of
my plan. I shall be in contact with you within twenty minutes.
KIT
I will be all a-quiver with anticipation on thoughts of your plans…
FELLATIO NELSON
Indeed. Many people often do.
FELLATIO NELSON walks away.
KIT
(pulling out comm.)
Doc? Good news! He’s going to help us!
More details for you in about half an hour…
KIT lights up a cigarette and leans back into his chair contently.
TO BE CONTINUED…
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS