TEASER

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CREW LOUNGE- DAY

The camera pans across the crew lounge, showing us the collection of video games, big screen televisions, and porn collections in racks on the wall. The camera stops on a table in the center of the room. DIAMOND, MATT, DAVE HOWERY, and G BONE are sitting at it, playing poker.

MATT
I raise you $20.

DIAMOND
Call.

G BONE
I’m in.

DAVE HOWERY
Crap! I fold.

MATT
(lays down cards)
Read ‘em and weep… a pair of eights.

G BONE
Beats me… pair of sevens.

DIAMOND
Ha! Pair of nines! Suckers!

Everyone lays down their cards, and DIAMOND scoops the pot into his impressive pile. DAVE HOWERY looks morosely at his cards.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn. Third time tonight I get
nothing but this Anna Kournikova hand.

DIAMOND looks up puzzled at that.

DIAMOND
A what? Anna?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, that’s what you call a garbage
hand that has an ace-king high.

DIAMOND
Okay, but why do you call it that?

DAVE HOWERY
Because it looks good but it doesn’t win anything.

A look of fury goes across DIAMOND’S face, and he jumps to his feet. With a howl of anger, he lunges across the table at DAVE, who goes ‘Eeeep!’ and ducks under the table. DIAMOND flounders on the table, scattering cards and cash everywhere, and gives the camera a very unfortunate look at his pantslessness. MATT and G BONE look hastily away. DAVE HOWERY is seen popping up out from under the other end of the table. He also gets an eyeful of DIAMOND’S pantslessness, and turns pale. Then, he sees DIAMOND’S winnings on the table. With an ‘Ooooh!’, he grabs a big handful of it, shoves it into a pocket, and then runs out the door, hooting with glee. DIAMOND manages to blunder off the table, gets to his feet, and chases after him, yelling various threats and curses. The camera pans back to MATT and G BONE, who are still sitting at the table.

MATT
(sighing)
Just another day here on the AH.COM.

G BONE
Yeah.
(looks at scattered cards on table)
You wanna go and see what horrid things
can be created using the teleportation tubes?

MATT
Fuck yeah.

The two get up and leave.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“HEY, HEY, WE’RE THE MONKEYS”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

Most of the crew is at their stations here, doing various important looking things. DR. WHAT is seen looking at a data pad. LUAKEL is seen standing looking out a porthole at the field of stars outside. He takes a deep breath and sighs. DR. WHAT notices and looks at him.

DR. WHAT
Something wrong, kid?

LUAKEL turns from the porthole, and we see that he has a rather sad look on his face.

LUAKEL
Not really. I like being on this ship with all of you,
but I miss my family sometimes. And hanging
around with other kids.
(hesitates)
Do… do you think I could have a pet?
A dog or a cat or something?

DR. WHAT winces.

DR. WHAT
Ooh, not such a good idea. We’ve had a run of bad luck
with pets on the ship. GREY WOLF had a dachshund
puppy for a while, but it got eaten by a giant rat on
timeline 9447-2. And… hey, whatever happened to
that tarantula that OTHNIEL had?

MATT
It got paralyzed by ABDUL’S pack of wasps, and then
the larvae ate it. And then KIT’S parrot ate the wasps.

HENDRYK
Oh yeah, the one he trained to say “Piss off, Yanks!”
DAVE HOWERY killed that one with his chainsaw.
Poor thing, I still have nightmares of it screaming,
“No! Help me! Oh God, the pain!”

WEAPON M
That’s not as bad as what happened to my pet leopard!

He glares at IRONYUPPIE, who is wearing a leopard skin coat.

IRONYUPPIE
Hey, the damn thing ate my golden retriever!

DR. WHAT
And what about that black cat that MICHAEL had?

MATT
OTHNIEL said it was a sign of witchcraft and killed it.

DR. WHAT
And G BONE’S gerbil?

MATT
TORQUMADA used it in an experiment that went bad.

DR. WHAT
And PSYCHOMELTDOWN’S chameleon?

MATT
BOBO ate it.

DR. WHAT
And LANDSHARK’S pit bull?

MATT
BOBO ate it.

DR. WHAT
And DMA’S bunny?

MATT
BOBO ate it.

DR. WHAT
And STRAHA’S koala bear?

MATT
Died of withdrawal symptoms.

DR. WHAT
GBW’S canary?

MATT
BOBO ate it.

DR. WHAT
And…

MATT
BOBO ate it.

DR. WHAT swivels his chair back around towards LUAKEL.

DR. WHAT
So, you see, kid, the only thing a pet will share
with you is a closer understanding of death…

He stops and looks down in surprise. The camera switches to his POV, and we see LUAKEL huddled into a fetal position on the floor, eyes wide in traumatized horror.

LUAKEL
(whimpering)
The poor puppies and kitties, all gone,
poor puppies and kitties, all gone…

The camera switches back to DR. WHAT, who has a deep look of thought on his face.

DR. WHAT
Got an idea. LEO, where’s DAVE HOWERY right now?

LEO CAESIUS
He’s in the Robotics Lab.

DR. WHAT
Uh… we have a Robotics Lab?

LEO CAESIUS
(sighing)
Yes, Doc, we do. You go down to level 7,
and turn left at the Art Museum…

DR. WHAT
We have an Art Museum?

MATT
They call it an art museum, but it’s just a bunch
of paintings of naked chicks from various TLs.

DR. WHAT
I’ve always been a fan of the arts.
(walks off whistling merrily)

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

The camera pans across a large room that is obviously DAVE HOWERY’S inner sanctum. We see a couple of familiar mechs standing motionless on elevated pads. One is a huge humanoid mech with a Gatling gun for one arm and a Canadian maple leaf inside a red circle with a slash through it painted on its chest. The other is a 16’ long mechanical centipede coiled up as if sleeping. The camera continues to pan, and we see several bins filled with servomotors, power units, and other robotic gizmos. The camera stops on DAVE HOWERY; he’s sitting at a table and working on something on it. He stops and looks at something off camera, and smiles. The camera pans again, and we see KEIRA sitting on the floor, laughing and smiling. She’s playing with a small robotic kitten. She is dangling a piece of yarn and the kitten is clawing at it and chasing it, exactly like a real kitten would do. Behind her, the door opens, and DR. WHAT and MICHAEL walk in the room. DR. WHAT looks down at the kitten for a moment and smiles, and then moves off camera. MICHAEL looks down at the kitten in fascination.

MICHAEL
Wow! That acts just like a real cat!

KEIRA
Yes. Watch this…

She strokes the kitten, and it arches its back and purrs.

MICHAEL
That’s neat!

The kitten sits and looks up at MICHAEL, cocking its head inquisitively. It meows in a tiny voice. MICHAEL grins and reaches down to it.

MICHAEL
Nice kitty…

The camera pans over to DAVE HOWERY and DR. WHAT. The latter is looking down at the half built robot on the table.

DR. WHAT
What are you making there?

DAVE HOWERY
A robot badger with tiny buzz saws for teeth.
We got rats down in the storage room.

DR. WHAT
That ought to do the trick.

Off camera, we hear a loud hiss and then MICHAEL screaming in agony.

MICHAEL (o.c.)
OH GOD! MY HAND! MY HAND!

KEIRA (o.c.)
No! Bad kitty! Do NOT bite off
any more of MICHAEL’S fingers!

DR. WHAT and DAVE HOWERY look annoyed at the noise, and move further away. DR. WHAT glances around the room, walks over to a wall, and looks at a dozen small robot tanks lined up on shelves.

DR. WHAT
What are these for?

DAVE HOWERY
Just toys. They are only armed with tater guns. But they are
smart as hell, and know about every war strategy there is. I
like to put them on different sides and have them battle it out,
just to see what they come up with.

MICHAEL (o.c.)
OH GOD! MY LEG! MY LEG!

KEIRA (o.c.)
No, kitty, no! Don’t you dare
sever that femoral artery… damn it! Dave!!

DR. WHAT looks around and sees a darkened chamber off to one side with a glass door. He walks over to it and flips on a light switch. Inside, we see a pair of human looking robots standing motionless with eyes closed. Both are incredibly good looking. The woman has long blonde hair, flawless peaches and cream complexion, full red lips, and a svelte figure. The man has curly blonde hair, a strong chiseled chin, and the body of a Greek athlete statue. Both are clad in semi-opaque tunics that leave little to the imagination. DR. WHAT looks at DAVE HOWERY with raised eyebrows.

DR. WHAT
Made yourself a couple of sex toys, did you?

MICHAEL (o.c.)
OH GOD! MY FACE! MY FACE!

KEIRA (o.c.)
Kitty, stop that right now! You let
go of MICHAEL’S eyeball this instant!

DAVE HOWERY looks at DR. WHAT and snorts derisively.

DAVE HOWERY
Not hardly. Although… they are skilled in
every art of seduction and sexual pleasure…

DR. WHAT
Hah! I knew it! You are a dirty old man…

DAVE HOWERY
…. And then, when you are relaxing
in the afterglow, they kill you.

DR. WHAT
(rolls eyes)
Of course they do. Why in God’s name
did you build something like that?

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, you never know when you’ll need a good assassin
to take out your enemies. And if you’re going to kill
someone, they might as well die with a smile.
I named them BILL and HILLARY.

DR. WHAT
As in the Clintons, that obscure family that
became Presidents on several timelines?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah. Remember that one timeline where the cold war didn’t
end until 1997? Well on that one, Hillary was elected president
in the early ‘90s and she was secretly a lesbian, and got caught
up in a sex scandal with some fat intern whose name I can’t
remember. Anyway, it was such a weird story, the names stuck in my head.
(pause)
Doc?

DR. WHAT is staring off into space, a happy smile on his face, slightly drooling.

DR. WHAT
A lesbian President Hillary Clinton.
**gurgle**

DAVE HOWERY
DOC!

DR. WHAT shakes his head.

DR. WHAT
Oh. Wait, I came in here to tell you something. Let’s see… oh, yeah,
LUAKEL. Look, DAVE, can you make some kind of robot pet for him?
He’s kind of pining for home, and I can’t do anything about that. Maybe
a pet will take his mind off things. But I don’t want to risk having another
real animal on board. You remember what happened to DIAMOND’S llama,
don’t you?

DAVE HOWERY
(shudders)
Oh, I’ll never forget that. God, those ‘Hills have Eyes’ people
did horrible things to it, and when they finally ate it, it was a
mercy. Okay, so you want something to guard LUAKEL?
I can whip up a robot Rottweiller that could tear up a tank.

DR. WHAT
No, I don’t want his pet to kill anyone.

DAVE HOWERY
What? You want a robot pet that will just maim people?
Jesus, Doc, even I’m not that insane. Well, I am, but
what’s the point? Might as well just kill them.

DR. WHAT
No, you’re not following me. I want a robot pet that won’t hurt or
kill or insult or even inconvenience people… just have it be a pet.

DAVE HOWERY looks blankly at DR. WHAT.

DAVE HOWERY
I’m not sure I understand you.
You want a robot that doesn’t
hurt anyone in any way? That
doesn’t make any sense.

DR. WHAT
Just do it, would you? Make him
something that will like him and
obey him and act like a real pet.
No killing, okay?

DAVE HOWERY
Okay. But it’s a waste of my talent, you know.

MICHAEL (o.c.)
OH GOD! MY… MY…. AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

KEIRA (o.c.)
You are a bad bad kitty! You give MICHAEL his testicles back right now!

DR. WHAT walks over towards the door. He passes by KEIRA, who is holding the blood spattered robot kitten and looking down at the floor in wide eyed horror. DR. WHAT looks down, takes a long step over something off camera, and then exits the room. DAVE HOWERY walks into the scene moments later. He grins and reaches out and scratches the kitten on the head. It purrs contentedly. He looks down at the floor in puzzlement.

DAVE HOWERY
What the hell happened to MICHAEL?

INT- AH.COM SHIP- LUAKEL’S QUARTERS- DAY

TWO DAYS LATER

LUAKEL is seen in here, moping on his bed. A knock is heard on his door, and DR. WHAT and DAVE HOWERY walk in the room. LUAKEL quickly hops to his feet.

LUAKEL
Hey guys! What’s up?

The camera shifts down to his feet, and we see him stealthily nudging a magazine with the title “Hot Lesbian Action!” under the bed. The camera switches to DR. WHAT, who is grinning.

DR. WHAT
Got something for you.

LUAKEL
(suspicious look)
KIT said that to me once, and I regretted it for days…

DAVE HOWERY
Hey! It’s nothing like that.
Not now anyway…

The camera shifts down to his legs. We see a small furry hand reach around his shin, and a robot spider monkey comes into view from behind him. It looks around for a moment, and then sees LUAKEL. It immediately gives out a happy ‘Ook!’ and trundles over to him. It stops to look up at him, and then hugs him around the knees. LUAKEL looks down at it in pure delight. X

LUAKEL
Wow! That is so neat! Is… is it mine?

DAVE HOWERY
Yep. All yours. It’s been programmed to like you, obey you,
and respond to your voice. You just have to give it a name.

LUAKEL
Awww, it’s so cute! Okay,
your name will be… PEANUTS!

The robot monkey looks up at him in dismay and says “Ook? Ook!”

DAVE HOWERY
Uh, I don’t think he likes that name.

LUAKEL
Nonsense, it’s a great name!
Oh, PEANUTS, you’re the coolest pet ever!

LUAKEL picks up PEANUTS and hugs him. DAVE HOWERY and DR. WHAT smile and leave the room. We hear them talking off camera as they leave.

DR. WHAT (o.c.)
Life is great when you can make a little boy smile.

DAVE HOWERY (o.c.)
I suppose. Speaking of little boys, how’s MICHAEL doing?

DR. WHAT (o.c.)
Eh, who cares?

DAVE HOWERY (o.c.)
Not me.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- NIGHT

The room is shown in darkness, with only the lights from a few consoles seen. The door opens and light streams in from the hallway outside. A small shadowy figure is seen moving into the room. Moments later, we hear a small angry sounding ‘Ook!’

INT- AH.COM SHIP- LUAKEL’S QUARTERS- DAWN

LUAKEL is seen slowly waking up in his bed. He opens his eyes, looks up blankly for a moment, and then a smile goes on his face. He hops out of bed and looks around.

LUAKEL
PEANUTS! Where are you boy? Oh, there you…

A look of astonishment goes across his face. The camera switches to his POV. We see PEANUTS sitting on a desk… but there is a second robot monkey with him. Both hop up and down with glee at seeing LUAKEL.

LUAKEL
Oh. My. God. Another one! DAVE made
me another one! Oh, these guys are great!

He walks over to his desk, and picks up both monkeys in a fierce hug. The monkeys hug him back, but both can be seen looking over LUAKEL’S shoulders with evil malicious grins.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

ONE WEEK LATER

DR. WHAT is seen sitting in his chair, but there are only a few other people in here. The door opens, and IRONYUPPIE, LANDSHARK, OTHNIEL, and GBW walk in, all looking haggard. DR. WHAT swivels his chair to face them.

DR. WHAT
Hey, guys! Glad to see you back. Man,
this is one strange timeline, isn’t it?

LANDSHARK
Yeah, you could have…

IRONYUPPIE
Did I say you could talk?!

LANDSHARK immediately goes quiet.

GBW
Yeah, who would ever have imagined a timeline where Angelina Jolie
was born as triplets and became the evil dictators of Canada, Britain,
and Australia. Luckily, we were able to form that alliance between the
US and New Zealand and bring them down. Too bad about London
though… nukes are so messy.

DR. WHAT
Yeah, but at least we put an end to the Most Lovely Axis of Evil.
And this world was nice enough to replenish our stocks of booze.
Well, you four get settled in, and we’ll prepare to shift to another timeline.

The door opens, and DAVE HOWERY walks in, looking rather irritated.

DAVE HOWERY
Hey, Doc, anyone running any weird projects right now?
Something involving robotics?

DR. WHAT
Uh… not that I know of. Why?

DAVE HOWERY
Because most of my stocks in the Robotics Lab are gone.
I had full bins of servomotors, power supplies, and metal
stock, and now they’re all empty. I haven’t been using the
stuff lately, so what gives?

DR. WHAT
Damn if I know. Did you ask your crew about it?
Maybe they’re sneaking out the parts and making something.
Something EVVVVIIIIILLLLL.

DAVE HOWERY
PSYCHOMELTDOWN is pretty much incompetent when
it comes to robotics… hell, when it comes to anything.
And G BONE doesn’t have any real knowledge in the field.

DR. WHAT
Well, maybe they’re selling the parts to
get money for hookers and pogs. Well,
I’ll have a look into it. Let’s get down to
Engineering, and I’ll talk to those two miscreants.
You need to get ready for a shift anyway.

DR. WHAT and DAVE HOWERY leave the room.

IRONYUPPIE
DR. WHAT’S gone! I’m in charge!

LANDSHARK
Well, no, GREY WOLF would be, but
DR. WHAT isn’t actually incapacitated,
even though he seems like it most of
the time, and…

IRONYUPPIE
Did I say you could talk?!

LANDSHARK immediately goes quiet.

GBW
We have a Robotics lab?

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY -

The camera opens on a scene of PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G BONE in the center of the room. There are several golf balls on the floor, and PSYCHOMELTDOWN is standing with a golf club lined up for a shot on one of them. G BONE stands nearby, another club on his shoulder as he watches. PSYCHOMELTDOWN looks carefully at something off camera, and swings. The camera switches views to the shift engines. One exhaust pipe is open, and we see the golf ball bounce off the engine, missing the exhaust pipe by inches. The camera switches back to the two crew members.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Damn. Still got that hook.

He starts to line up for another shot, but both suddenly look around as voices are heard in the corridor beyond the door. The two quickly toss the clubs behind a console and start kicking the balls into far corners of the room.

The camera switches to a view of the door, which opens, and DR. WHAT and DAVE HOWERY are seen entering. They stop and look, and the camera switches to their POV. PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G BONE are seen with clipboards in hand, busily looking at various gauges and writing things down. The camera switches back to DR. WHAT and DAVE HOWERY, who look wryly at each other, and enter the room. DAVE HOWERY suddenly slips and falls down on his back off camera, with a loud thud. The camera switches to G BONE, who looks down as a golf ball slowly rolls past him. DAVE HOWERY is heard groaning in pain off camera.

DR. WHAT
So guys… hard at work, huh?

G BONE
Yeah, that’s all we ever do around here, work work work.
DAVE is such a damn slave driver… we need a vacation!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Yeah, we need to take a few days off to rest and relax;
we’ve been working our fingers to the bone!

DR. WHAT reaches down and picks up a golf ball.

DR. WHAT
And I suppose this is some vital piece of equipment?

G BONE
Why yes, it’s a… uh…
a… a circular impact device!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN grins and nudges G BONE

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(low voice)
Nice one!

DR. WHAT
Riiiiiight. So… either of you reprobates
been taking stuff out of the Robotics Lab?

G BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN look at each other blankly.

G BONE
We have a Robotics Lab?

DR. WHAT
I take it that’s a no?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Robots.
(snorts and makes masturbatory gesture)
Only dorks and nerds like robots.

G.BONE
I.. I like robots…
Sexy robots…
Mmm…

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Unless I can make me my own ALYSON HANNIGAN BOT
to make sweet sweet dirty unnatural sex to.
(grins)

DAVE HOWERY (o.c.)
I’m not going to make you an ALYSON robot. But
when I can walk again, I am going to pound both of
your heads so far down, you’ll have to unzip your
pants to see where you’re going.

DR. WHAT reaches down off camera and pulls DAVE HOWERY to his feet. DAVE has a grumpy and pained look on his face, and his eyes are crossed a little. G BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN look at each other in amusement.

G BONE
Like you could catch us, old fart.

DR. WHAT
That’s enough, you idiots. So, seriously, neither
of you are sneaking parts out of the Robotics lab?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Honestly, DOC, until you mentioned it just now,
I’d never even heard of the place.
(beat)
So… would these parts be worth a lot?

DR. WHAT
Oh, yes, servomotors are pretty expensive,
and robotic power units are always in high demand.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G BONE look at each other with crafty smiles.

G BONE
So, where exactly is this Robotics lab?

DR. WHAT
Never mind. Just get back to ‘work.’ Come on,
DAVE, let’s get back to the control room…

He looks around and sees that DAVE HOWERY has picked up one of his adamantium chainsaws from a table in the room; he’s looking rather pointedly at his two subordinates.

DR. WHAT
DAVE! Let’s go!

DAVE HOWERY sullenly follows him towards the door. G BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN grin behind his back. DAVE whirls around at the door and looks at them, but both have wide eyed innocent looks as he does. DAVE HOWERY looks suspiciously at them for a moment, and then leaves the room. The two engineers look back at each other with big smiles.

G BONE
So… sneak into the Robotics lab and steal parts?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Of course. What are you gonna buy with your cash?

G BONE
A bunch of plaid shirts and some comic books. You?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Hmmm… you know, I think I’m going to keep those parts.
If DAVE won’t make me a robot ALYSON HANNIGAN,
I’ll do it myself. How hard can it be if DAVE can do it?

G BONE starts to reply, but he suddenly looks puzzled and turns to look around the room.

G BONE
Did you hear that?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What? Is your lameness making noise now?

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY

DR. WHAT and DAVE HOWERY are seen walking.

DR. WHAT
Well, if those two aren’t stealing those parts, who else could it be?

DAVE HOWERY
Maybe THANDE or FLOCCULENCIO.
Can’t trust those foreigners.

DR. WHAT
Hey! I’m a foreigner!
Well, not American anyway…

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, but you’re just a Canadian.
Your kind isn’t into stealing, just
evil plots and dark conspiracies.

DR. WHAT starts to retort, but suddenly a shadow falls across him, and his eyes pop wide in shock. The camera switches to his POV. We see DAVE’S huge anti-Canada mech standing over DR. WHAT menacingly.

MECH
(deep electronic voice)
Die, foul Canuck, DIE!!

DR. WHAT backs away in shock, as the mech advances upon him.

DR. WHAT
Damn it, DAVE, this isn’t funny! Shut it down!

DAVE HOWERY looks baffled, but he takes out a remote control unit and pushes a button.

Nothing happens.

DR. WHAT
(frantic)
Damn it, DAVE, quit screwing around.

DAVE HOWERY
It’s not me! LEO, quick, emergency shut down of GROVER, now!

LEO CAESIUS
Sorry, DAVE, I have no contact with… GROVER.
Something has overridden my radio connection with him.
(beat)
I can’t believe you named him GROVER!

DAVE HOWERY looks around in frustration as GROVER continues to advance on DR. WHAT.

DAVE HOWERY
Run for it, Doc! I’ll have to go to Robotics
and shut him down from there!

DR. WHAT
(terrified)
Run?! He’ll shoot me!

DAVE HOWERY
Nah, I never made any shells for his gun.
(beat)
Of course, he could still stomp you into goo,
or crush you with his other hand.

DR. WHAT finally gives in to panic; he turns and runs screaming down the corridor. GROVER thunders after him. DAVE HOWERY stands looking rather stunned.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, off to Robotics.

He looks at his watch.

DAVE HOWERY
But… I’m supposed to get together with KEIRA. Damn it.
(deep thought)
Hmm… go to Robotics and save DR. WHAT, or
have hot sex with KEIRA. Decisions, decisions.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR OUTSIDE MED BAY- DAY

The door to the med bay is open, and MICHAEL and TORQUMADA are standing there.

MICHAEL
Thanks, TORQ. It’s good to be back on my feet again.

TORQUMADA
Yeah. Look, try not to get hurt for at least a week,
would you? I’m running out of spare parts for you.

MICHAEL starts to say something, when a loud noise is heard nearby. DR. WHAT suddenly appears and runs past the two, screaming at the top of his lungs. GROVER appears moments later, chasing after DR. WHAT with booming footsteps.

GROVER
DIE, CANUCK, DIE!!

GROVER runs off camera, and MICHAEL and TORQUMADA are seen looking on with raised eyebrows.

MICHAEL
Well, there’s something you don’t see every day… unless you’re us.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is seen standing outside the door to the Robotics lab, a disgruntled look on his face.

DAVE HOWERY
I can’t believe I’m passing up hot sex
with my girl to save DR. WHAT’S
worthless butt. This must be that
‘maturity’ thing I keep hearing about.
I hate it!

He pushes the button to open the door. The camera switches to a view of his face; his eyes go wide with shock!

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

The camera switches to DAVE’S POV. The place is overrun with dozens of robot spider monkeys like PEANUTS, but of various colors of fur. The room is filled with their shrieking and cries. They are hanging from the pipes on the ceiling, and from every piece of furniture and equipment. More are scampering around the floor.

The camera switches to a close up of DAVE HOWERY’S eyes, as he looks around the room. The camera switches back to his POV, and we see that…

The shelves that held the robot tanks are empty.

The giant centipede mech is not on its platform.

And the camera stops on a table in the center of the room. A chair has been placed on it, and PEANUTS is sitting on it like on a throne, watching over the room with a look of evil glee. Nearby, LUAKEL has been tossed face down on the table and tied down to it, arms and legs unable to move. A robot monkey stands nearby with a huge can of dry roasted peanuts. The monkey is busy shoving handfuls of peanuts into LUAKEL’S mouth. Poor LUAKEL is forced to chew and swallow quickly to avoid choking. He manages to clear his mouth for a moment, and looks up at PEANUTS with a hurt expression.

LUAKEL
Oh, PEANUTS, I thought you were my friend… MMPH!

He is forced to stop as another handful of peanuts is shoved into his mouth.
The camera switches to PEANUTS, who is looking around the room happily. Suddenly, he stops, and an expression of anger is seen on him. He stands up and points at the door, and shouts out an angry “Ook!”

The camera switches back to the doorway, where DAVE HOWERY stands. He looks around in sudden concern. The camera switches back to the room; a dozen robot monkeys are heading towards him, and three of them leap into the air, aiming at his torso. DAVE HOWERY fires up his chainsaw and makes a long swing, cleaving all three of the leaping monkeys in half in mid jump. The pieces fall to the floor, sparking and smoking. The rest of the monkeys stop and scream in rage at him. DAVE HOWERY puts his homely bearded face into a snarl and howls back at them. The robot monkeys all panic and pull back in alarm. They look as if they are going to run away, but stop when PEANUTS hops up and down in anger, shouting “Ook ook ook!” At that, the rest of the monkeys snarl and advance on DAVE, dozens of them. DAVE HOWERY looks belligerent at first, but he realizes that there are too many of them, and starts to back away.

A look of alarm suddenly goes onto his face, and he looks across the room.
The camera switches to his POV and focuses on the chamber across the room where BILL and HILLARY are stored. The lights are on, the door is open, and both robots are gone. The camera switches back to DAVE HOWERY, who has turned pale. He backs out of the room into the corridor beyond, and pushes the button to shut the door. It closes just in time to block the monkeys who were pursuing him.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is seen pushing a button on a panel by the door that says “LOCK”. He then uses his chainsaw to chop the panel in two.

DAVE HOWERY
That ought to hold them a while…
(pause)
Oh God, oh God, oh God… BILL and HILLARY
are loose. Jesus, they could be anywhere…

A look of horror goes across his face.

DAVE HOWERY
KEIRA!!

He turns and runs off camera.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CREW LOUNGE- DAY

MATT and WEAPON M are relaxing in here with drinks in hand. Both seem to be nearly dozing, stretched out on reclining chairs.

WEAPON M
Ah, I’m so tired. I feel like I’ve run a marathon both ways.

MATT
Yeah.
(looks at WEAPON M irritably)
I can’t believe you hit on the
ANGELINA JOLIE that ruled over Canada.

WEAPON M
(grins)
I can’t believe it worked. Ah, she was fun.
Too bad we still had to overthrow her.

MATT snorts in derision. The door is heard opening off camera, and MATT lazily turns his head to look. A look of surprise goes across his face, and he sits up. WEAPON M notices his expression and turns to look also.

The camera switches to their POV, and we see that the door is open. DAVE’S twelve robot tanks with tater guns are moving into the room, their cannons moving around as they roll forward.

MATT
What the hell… I must be a lot more drunk than I thought I was.

WEAPON M
Nah, those are just DAVE HOWERY’S robot tanks.
They’re kinda neat, and way smart. Its fun to watch
them going against each other, they come up with all
kinds of neat tactics. Wonder what they’re doing here…

The robot tanks all stop and swivel their turrets until all the cannons are pointed at the two. MATT suddenly looks worried.

MATT
Uh… I think they’re going to shoot us.

WEAPON M
Relax… they are armed only with
tater guns, can’t really hurt you.

MATT still looks suspiciously at the tanks. One of them rolls forward, pointing its cannon at MATT as it does. MATT’S eyes suddenly flair wide in shock, and he dives behind his chair; as he does the tank fires its tater gun with an incredibly loud bang. WEAPON M looks wide eyed at the wall, where a chunk of potato is lodged deep inside it.

WEAPON M
Holy shit!

He dives behind his own chair. Moments later, he pokes his head up cautiously, then ducks barely in time to avoid another shot from the tank. MATT and WEAPON M can be heard talking out of sight behind the chairs.

WEAPON M
Damn it! Those tater guns have been massively upgraded… they’re lethal!

MATT
Why in the hell would DAVE do something like that?!

WEAPON M
It’s DAVE… need I say more?

MATT
No. So… what do we do now?

WEAPON M
Well… think we can get to our guns?

The camera pans over to the far side of the room, where two BFGs are leaning up against the wall.

MATT
No… those things will pound us
to bits before we could get there.

The camera switches to the door, which suddenly opens. MICHAEL is seen walking into the room.

MICHAEL
Hey mates! I tell ya, it’s good to
be out of the… hey, where is… uh oh.

The camera switches to the robot tanks; all of them swiftly turn and aim at MICHAEL, who turns pale.

The camera switches to MATT and WEAPON M, who cautiously poke their heads up from hiding. A short scream from MICHAEL is heard, and then the sounds of many tater guns firing a volley. MATT and WEAPON M both wince.

MATT
Ouch! That’s gotta hurt! And he just
got his testicles sewn back on yesterday…

MATT turns to see WEAPON M suddenly sprint across the room. He grabs both BFGs and then runs back across. Several potatoes slam into the wall as he runs, barely missing him. He dives back behind his sofa.

MATT
Damn! That was brave… dumb as hell, but brave.

WEAPON M hands MATT one of the BFGs.

WEAPON M
Well, at least we’re both armed now. Let’s get ‘em.

The two look at each other grimly a moment, and then both hop up and aim their weapons over the sofas. But neither fires, and both look puzzled.

The camera switches to their POV, and the floor is empty; not one tank can be seen.

MATT
Damn… where’d they go?

WEAPON M
I’ll bet you they’re hiding because they know
we’re armed now. Told you they were smart.

MATT scans the room with narrowed eyes. The camera switches to his POV, and the camera slowly pans across the lounge. It stops when an easy chair comes into view, and zooms in on the floor beneath it. One of the robot tanks is seen suddenly coming into sight, aiming its cannon.

The camera switches back to MATT, who quickly aims and fires.

The camera switches back to the easy chair. A big chunk of it disappears, along with the robot tank.

MATT
Hah! Got one!

Both men duck again as a volley of potatoes slam into the wall behind them.

WEAPON M
Damn it, this isn’t looking good. Those things are so small,
they can hide under the furniture and they’ll work their way
around our flanks. We might pick off one here and there, but
there’s enough of them to get around us. With no cover,
we’ll be pounded to bits.

MATT
So, we have to outthink them.

WEAPON M
(low mutter)
Oh great, the jarhead is trying to think.

MATT
Got an idea…

He pulls a communicator out of his pocket.

MATT
I’m going to call up G BONE and have him
teleport the damn tanks off the ship!

WEAPON M
Wow, that’s actually a good idea. I take back
everything bad I ever said about jarheads.

MATT
(into communicator)
G BONE! Are you in the Teleportation Room?
(pause)
G BONE?

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

The camera pans across the room. MATT can be heard calling for G BONE on the speakers, but no one is in sight. Suddenly, the giant mechanical centipede is seen rising up from behind one of the consoles in the room. It crawls around the room as if searching for something. It crawls over a large metal cabinet with sliding doors. The camera closes in on that cabinet and then switches to a view inside it.

G BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are seen crammed together inside it, with barely enough room for both. The clattering feet of the mechanical centipede are heard on the top of the cabinet.

G BONE
(whispering)
It’s still out there!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(whispering)
I know. Now quiet. It can’t find us in
here, and it’ll go away… I hope.

G BONE
If it does find us, I just wanted
you to know that… I… I love you!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh great. Thanks for making my last
moments on Earth really uncomfortable.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CREW QUARTERS CORRIDOR- DAY

DAVE HOWERY is seen running down the corridor, a panicked look on his face. He stops at the door to his quarters, and thumbs the button to open it. He takes his chainsaw in both hands and darts into the room.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS- DAY

The camera opens with a shot of the open door, and DAVE HOWERY running inside. He stops and looks around in surprise.

The camera switches to his POV. KEIRA is seen cowering in a corner, a look of terror on her face. Eight screaming robot monkeys have cornered her there, stopping her from being able to run. But the robot kitten is standing its ground between her and them, it’s back arched, hissing in fury. The broken remains of two other robot monkeys are scattered around it. KEIRA looks up as DAVE enters, her eyes pleading for help.

DAVE HOWERY fires up his chainsaw with a determined look on his face. The robot monkeys all turn in alarm and see him there. Six of them charge towards him, while the other two keep KEIRA cornered. DAVE HOWERY lashes out with the chainsaw and slices two of the monkeys in half. At the same time he kicks out and hits another in the groin. It goes flying away, but there is the sound of flesh hitting metal. DAVE HOWERY hops in pain, favoring his injured foot.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn it! Oh God that hurts! Stupid
stupid stupid, never kick a robot in the nuts!

The remaining monkeys grab DAVE’S good leg and trip him; he hits the floor hard. One of the monkeys grabs his chainsaw and tries to tug it out of his hands. The other two monkeys each grab a leg and pull in opposite directions. DAVE HOWERY howls in pain for a moment. Then he manages to twist the chainsaw blade around and decapitate the robot monkey who is pulling on the saw. He then rolls over part way and manages to get enough leverage to kick out with one leg and toss off the monkey hanging onto it. Sitting up, he sees the other robot monkey let go of his foot, bare its sharp metal teeth, and suddenly dive at his crotch. DAVE HOWERY screams in fear and shoves the chainsaw forward. By luck he manages to hit the monkey right in the face; it sparks for a moment, and then drops. DAVE HOWERY struggles to his feet.

The remaining four monkeys are hopping up and down in rage, but seem too scared to attack him. DAVE HOWERY strides forward with a slightly insane grin. The monkeys spread out and attack him from different directions. DAVE manages to catch one of them with the chainsaw and split it in two. But the other three slam into him and knock him down again. He grabs one by the tail and throws it into the far corner of the room. The other two leap onto his stomach and knock the wind out of him with an agonized grunt.

The camera switches to KEIRA. No longer cornered, she darts over to the wall where DAVE’S second chainsaw is hanging. She grabs it off the wall and fires it up.

The camera switches back to DAVE HOWERY, who is feebly fending off the robot monkeys as he struggles to get his breath back. At the sound of the other chainsaw firing up, the monkeys turn around to look. The camera zooms in on DAVE HOWERY’S face; his eyes go wide with surprise.

The camera switches to a low angle shot, looking up at KEIRA; she has the chainsaw raised high with both hands, preparing to swing it down; a look of fury is on her face.

The camera switches back to DAVE HOWERY, who shuts his eyes tight. Off camera, the two monkeys are heard briefly screeching in fear, and then the gritty sound of the chainsaw slicing through metal cuts them short. DAVE HOWERY opens one eye cautiously.
The camera switches to a wide view of the couple. KEIRA is standing over DAVE HOWERY, grinning down at him. Various parts of the two robot monkey lie sparking around him on the floor. DAVE HOWERY gets to his feet, and looks around.
The camera switches to a view of the far corner. The last robot monkey lies there; the robot kitten is sitting on its chest, with the severed head of the monkey dangling from its jaws.

The camera switches back to the couple. DAVE and KEIRA share a quick hug. The robot kitten bounds into the scene, and rubs against KEIRA’S leg, purring loudly.

KEIRA
What is going on? Where
did those beasts come from?

DAVE HOWERY
Well… I think LUAKEL’S robot monkey went nuts and
built a whole horde of other monkeys, and then took over
the Robotics Lab. He reprogrammed all my other mechs
and turned them loose on the crew. I came here because
I thought for sure BILL would come after you.

KEIRA
Why?

DAVE HOWERY
Because his specialty is targeting women,
and you’re one of the only two on board, and…
(beat)
Uh oh.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- IRONYUPPIE’S QUARTERS- DAY

The camera pans across the room, showing us the dungeon-like interior. The sounds of something electrical and sparking is heard, along with screams of pain and pleasure mixed together. The camera stops on IRONYUPPIE, who stands over a small iron barred cage, holding a cattle prod in one hand. LANDSHARK is locked inside the cage, barely able to move. Smoke is rising from his clothing.

IRONYUPPIE
So, I think that’s enough lessons for today.

LANDSHARK
As you command.

IRONYUPPIE opens the cage and LANDSHARK painfully crawls out and stands up.

LANDSHARK
So, tonight, do you want me to wear
the princess outfit or the shepherd girl costume?

IRONYUPPIE
Neither, I thought we’d try you out in the cowgirl clothes….

The door to the room is heard opening off camera, and IRONYUPPIE turns around in anger.

IRONYUPPIE
Who dares…

She stops, and she and LANDSHARK look on in wide eyed surprise.

The camera switches to their POV. BILL is standing in the doorway. He is still wearing his skimpy tunic, and looks incredibly handsome. His eyes are vivid blue, and his smile reveals perfect white teeth.

BILL
I am for you.

The camera switches back to IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK, who look at each other with raised eyebrows.

IRONYUPPIE
He’s mine!

LANDSHARK
I saw him first!

IRONYUPPIE
How dare you…

LANDSHARK
Race you to him!

The two suddenly run directly towards the camera.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY

The camera opens on a long shot of a corridor with three doors on each side. The Benny Hill theme song starts playing as DR.WHAT is seen running into the corridor from the bottom, with GROVER right behind him, in a series of fast motion scenes. He runs into the center left door, with GROVER right behind him. The pair emerge from the lower right door and run into the lower left door, and then appear in the upper left door and run into the upper right door, GROVER still chasing DR. WHAT. The pair emerge from the center right door, but both are being chased by the giant centipede mech, and all three run into the center left door. DIAMOND and TORQUMADA emerge from the lower left door with MICHAEL on a gurney, and all are being chased by a horde of robot monkeys; all of them run into the lower right door. The horde of monkeys appears out of the upper left door, being chased by DAVE HOWERY waving one of his chainsaws, and all of them run into the upper right door. The horde of monkeys and DAVE HOWERY appear out of the lower right door, both pursued by the centipede, and all of them run into the lower left door. GROVER appears out of the middle right door, and is being chased by DR. WHAT. The pair stops in the middle of the corridor, and GROVER turns to look at DR. WHAT, who jumps in fear and runs back through the door, chased by GROVER. KEIRA appears in the upper right door, pursued by THANDE and FLOCCULENCIO with lustful grins, and all three run into the upper left door. THANDE and FLOCCULENCIO run out of the upper left door, being chased by KEIRA, who has one of DAVE’S chainsaws, and all three run into the upper right door. DR. WHAT pops out of the middle left door, hops to the side of it, and sticks his leg out in front of the door. GROVER appears, trips over DR. WHAT’S leg, and falls down. DR. WHAT runs back through the door, and GROVER gets up and chases after him. The final scene shows DR. WHAT, GROVER, THANDE, FLOCCULENCIO, DAVE HOWERY, KEIRA, DIAMOND and TORQUMADA (with MICHAEL still on the gurney) and the horde of monkeys all run out of the center right door, all of the them being pursued by the giant centipede. The pursued ones scatter and run through all the other doors. The centipede stops in the middle of the corridor and turns every which way, obviously unable to decide which one to chase, until it is too late and all of them have vanished. The centipede hangs its head and shuffles off camera.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

GREY WOLF is sitting in the command chair, looking around in frustration at the other crewmembers in here. The doors open, and DAVE HOWERY and KEIRA walk in.

GREY WOLF
Damn it, DAVE, what the hell is going on?
I’m getting sketchy reports from around the
ship about your creations running amok.
What is all this about robot monkeys and
your giant centipede and some robot badger
that has HENDRYK cornered in one of the privies?!
(beat)
Damn, I need a drink.

He fumbles around in his shirt and pulls out a flask.

DAVE HOWERY
Well… it seems that the robot monkey I made for LUAKEL
went berserk and made a few dozen other like him and took
control of all my mechs and set them loose on the crew.

GREY WOLF looks shocked for a moment and then takes a deep swig out of the flask.

GREY WOLF
Oh good God. And just why did
your robot monkey go bonkers?

DAVE HOWERY
Well…. I think it had something to do with the anti-humiliation
program I put into it. I was worried that some of the other crew
members might make fun of LUAKEL’S pet and try to dress it up
in funny clothes and stuff, so I wrote a program for it to detect such
things and avoid them. I think LUAKEL naming the monkey
PEANUTS set off the program… and there you have it.

GREY WOLF groans in frustration, and takes another swig.

GREY WOLF
Damn it, DAVE. Next time just buy the kid a
damn monkey and let it die like all the others.

He takes another swig from the flask. His eyes suddenly roll back, and he slowly topples from the chair, feet sticking up into the air. DAVE HOWERY walks over and prods one of his feet. There is no response.

DAVE HOWERY
Well, that’s just frickin’ great. Okay, DOC’S being chased
by GROVER and unable to function as captain, GREY WOLF
is, uh, incapacitated… where’s LANDSHARK?
He needs to step up to the plate.

KIT
We’ve been trying to contact him,
but he’s not answering.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- IRONYUPPIE’S QUARTERS- DAY -

The camera opens on a scene set well above the huge bed in the room. Off camera, the sounds of high pitched girlish moaning are heard, and then one last gasp.

IRONYUPPIE (o.c.)
Wow! That was great!

BILL (o.c.)
And now, my dear, let us relax in the afterglow…

LANDSHARK (o.c.)
No! It’s my turn now!

BILL (o.c.)
But… oh very well. Once more,
and then we shall relax in the afterglow…

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

DAVE HOWERY
Damn it! Okay, so who’s in charge now?
I have a plan, but I need to have it approved.

GBW
As much as it shrivels my
innards to say so… you are.

The rest of the crew gasps, and DAVE HOWERY’S eyes go wide.

DAVE HOWERY
Me?! But… I don’t wanna be in
charge! Who says I’m in charge?!

GBW
DR. WHAT did. Some time ago, he and I were discussing
the chain of command, and you ended up fourth in line.
(beat)
Of course, we were both massively drunk at the time. Still,
he never rescinded it. So, you’re the big cheese for now.

DAVE HOWERY
But… oh what the hell, I’ll
just approve my own plan.
Where’s MATT and WEAPON M at?

GBW
In the lounge. I’ve been trying to contact them, but they’re not answering.

DAVE HOWERY
Swell. Okay, have DMA meet me
down in the corridor outside
the lounge. Tell him to arm himself
with everything he can carry.

GBW
Sure thing. Anything else?

DAVE HOWERY
Uh… yeah, everyone just keep doing what you’re doing.
Monitor stuff, push buttons, whatever.

He and KEIRA leave the room.

GBW
(sarcastically)
Gosh, such leadership. I feel so inspired. How about you?

KIT
Huh? Sorry, I generally don’t listen when DAVE’S talking.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY

DAVE HOWERY and KEIRA are seen standing outside the door to the Crew Lounge, chainsaws in hand, and obviously impatient. They look around as DMA walks into the scene, carrying a BFG and a pouch full of ammo.

DAVE HOWERY
It’s about friggin’ time! Where have you been?

DMA
I was reading “MacBeth” and comparing the version of it on
timeline 423.9 to that of timeline 9948.7, and seeing how the
slightly different experiences in the two Shakespeare’s lives
led to very subtle but noticeable differences in the two stories.

DAVE HOWERY
You were not!

DMA
Fine! I was really eating a Vegemite sandwich
and washing it down with a couple cans of Fosters
while thinking lustfully about kangaroos.
Happy now?

DAVE HOWERY
That sounds more like you. Anyway… we got problems.
A bunch of robot monkeys took over the Robotics lab
and turned all my mechs loose. They’re going after the
crew. The only way to stop it is for me to get back into
the lab, where I can override everything they did. But I
need firepower to do it. MATT and WEAPON M are in
here, trapped by something, unable to answer the comm.
So, we’re gonna rescue them and then go down to the lab.
Any questions?

DMA
We have a Robotics lab?

DAVE HOWERY
Never mind about that right now…
lock and load. We’re going in.

DAVE HOWERY moves over to the door panel and pushes the button to open it, but nothing happens. He punches in an override code, and the door slides back. DMA moves cautiously into the room, BFG at the ready, and is followed by DAVE HOWERY and KEIRA.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- LOUNGE- DAY

The camera pans across the lounge, showing the walls riddled with dozens of holes with potatoes sticking out of them. The furniture, games, and televisions have all been upended, and most have also been shattered by potatoes. The camera ends its pan on MATT and WEAPON M, who are crouched behind a Centipede game tossed onto its side. Both look stressed and tired.

MATT
How many shots you got left? I got one.

WEAPON M
Two. How many of those tanks are left?

MATT
I think four, at least.

WEAPON M
We’re screwed. Damn it, I can’t believe I’ve
battled a horde of evil Care Bears, wrestled
a grizzly bear into submission, and made out
with an evil Nazi version of ANGELINA JOLIE,
and now I’m going to be killed by a bunch of
itty bitty tanks with tater guns!

MATT
Yeah, that sucks… heads up!
I think they’re trying to flank us again.

MATT and WEAPON M face in opposite directions, guns out and ready. The camera switches to WEAPON M’S POV. It pans across a scene of destroyed furniture and video games, and stops on an overturned lounge chair. One of the robot tanks comes into view aiming towards WEAPON M. It suddenly disappears with a loud BANG. The camera switches back to WEAPON M and his smoking BFG.

WEAPON M
Three left.

Another loud BANG is heard behind him.

MATT
Two left.

The camera switches back to WEAPON M’S POV. It focuses on a shattered big screen television. One of the robot tanks suddenly appears on top of it, and then disappears in a loud BANG. But the last robot tank appears right behind it, aiming towards the camera.

The camera switches back to WEAPON M, who looks up in despair; his BFG is out of ammo. He closes his eyes.

The camera switches back to the robot tank. It rolls forward a little and raises its cannon. Suddenly, the tank explodes as a loud BANG is heard off camera.
The camera switches back to WEAPON M and MATT; both look up cautiously over the ruined Centipede game.

The camera switches to the doorway. DMA is standing there, his BFG smoking, obviously having fired the shot. DAVE HOWERY and KEIRA are right behind him. All three move into the room and look around as WEAPON M and MATT stand up.

DMA
That all of them?

MATT
Yeah. So, what the hell’s going on here?

DAVE HOWERY
(muttering)
Damn, I’m getting tired of this speech.
(out loud)
Robot monkeys took over the Robotics Lab and set all my mechs
loose against the crew. We gotta take back control of the lab so I
can put a stop to it. Load up with all the ammo you can carry, ‘cuz
this one’s going to be a tough nut to crack.

MATT and WEAPON M look at each other blankly.

MATT
We have a Robotics Lab?

WEAPON M
And if you need firepower so badly,
why isn’t IRONYUPPIE here?

DAVE HOWERY
(grimly)
I’m sorry, guys, I think she’s a goner.
BILL must have gotten her by now.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- IRONYUPPIE’S QUARTERS- DAY

The camera opens on a scene set well above the huge bed in the room. Off camera, the sounds of high pitched girlish moaning are heard, and then one last gasp.

LANDSHARK (o.c.)
Wow, that was great!

BILL (o.c.)
(desperately)
Now can we relax in the afterglow?!

IRONYUPPIE (o.c.)
Hell no! Its my turn again!

BILL (o.c.)
But… I’ve already gone12 turns nonstop!

IRONYUPPIE (o.c.)
Well, drink some Gatorade and saddle up again, because there are at
least 14 positions in the “Multi-universal Kama Sutra” we haven’t tried yet.

LANDSHARK (o.c.)
15. You forgot the Singaporean Twirling Butterfly.

IRONYUPPIE (o.c.)
That’s right! Thanks for reminding me.

BILL (o.c.)
But that does not compute, we must relax in the afterglow
to carry out primary function, that does not compute…
(pause)
WARNING! PRIMARY MISSION COMPROMISED!
ABORT ABORT ABORTTTTTTTTTTTttttttt…….

A low ‘boom’ is heard off camera, and smoke rises into the scene.

LANDSHARK (o.c.)
Blimey! His head blew up!

IRONYUPPIE (o.c.)
I told you that the Tasmanian gator
position was too advanced for him.
(beat)
Wait. It’s a damn robot!

LANDSHARK (o.c.)
Robot? I sense the greasy peasant
hands of DAVE HOWERY in this.

IRONYUPPIE (o.c.)
Hmmm…. Yes, DAVE. I bet he can fix
up this little toy here. Let’s go find him!

Several footsteps are heard.

LANDSHARK (o.c.)
Wait! I need to get some clothes on.

IRONYUPPIE (o.c.)
Oh here, just wear this.

LANDSHARK (o.c.)
But… this is for girls and…

IRONYUPPIE (o.c.)
Did I say you could talk?!

LANDSHARK immediately goes quiet.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR OUTSIDE ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

MATT and WEAPON M are seen standing besides the doors to the lab, while DAVE HOWERY is attaching a pair of manual retractors onto the doors. DMA stands ready nearby, BFG in hand, while KEIRA stands behind him, looking nervous.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, MATT, WEAPON M, you two pull the doors back.
DMA, you be ready to blast anything that comes through. Ready?

At everyone’s nods, MATT and WEAPON M grab the retractors and pull back hard. The doors slide back into their recesses. DMA stands on guard as the doors open, but nothing emerges from the room. MATT and WEAPON M ready their BFGs, and cautiously move into the lab, followed by the others.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

The camera pans slowly across the lab. Dozens of robot monkeys are still screeching and leaping all over the place, hanging from the ceiling and scampering on the floor. The camera stops on LUAKEL, who is lying on the table, still tied down. His mouth is full of peanuts, and his eyes are glazed over. A robot monkey is still trying to shove peanuts into his mouth, but LUAKEL seems to have gone catatonic, and no more will fit. The camera pans further on, and we see PEANUTS still sitting in his chair and looking over everything with a satisfied smile on his face. He suddenly stands up and looks angrily at something off camera, and screeches out a loud angry ‘Ook!’ The robot monkeys all stop and look.

The camera switches to the doorway. MATT, WEAPON M, and DMA are standing there with BFGs at the ready, with DAVE HOWERY and KEIRA behind them.

MATT
Oh boy, this is where it gets interesting.

The camera switches back to the monkeys, and a tidal wave of fur rolls towards the humans, a screeching mass of howling mechanical monkeys. Suddenly, several of the monkeys explode into pieces as loud BANGS are heard off camera.

The camera switches back to the humans. MATT, WEAPON M, and DMA are firing their BFGs over and over.

The camera switches back to the monkeys. They look scared and are pulling back. PEANUTS screeches at them over and over, but they don’t respond. Finally, PEANUTS pulls out a remote control unit and pushes a button on it.

The robot monkeys all suddenly stop and stand stiffly upright. Then, all of them begin to move together. Contorting their bodies into various shapes, the monkeys all flow together into a large construction, like a puzzle putting itself together. In seconds, the bodies of the monkeys first form a pair of massive legs, then a huge torso, a pair of arms, and finally a head. PEANUTS himself leaps onto the head, making the final piece of the composite mech. The camera pulls back and shows the mech in full view; it is of vague anthropoid shape with huge hands, and stands 15’ high. It flexes its arms and legs experimentally, and then looks down at the crewmembers. A booming voice issues from its mouth.

MECH
I… AM….. MECHA-PEANUTS!! OOOOOOOOK!

The camera switches to the crewmembers, who are looking up at it in open mouth shock.

DMA
Monkey… big monkey.

MATT
DAVE, if we live through this, I am so going to kick your ass.

WEAPON M
I’ll help you.

The camera switches back to the mech, which charges forward with a bellow. The three BFGs fire at it, but the shots do little damage to the massive figure. The mech lashes out with one hand and clips DMA on the head; he goes flying head over heels and lies still on the floor, unconscious. The other had snatches the BFG out of WEAPON M’s hand and crumples it like paper. WEAPON M starts to draw a pair of pistols from holsters on his belt, but the mech’s hand thumps him on the head, and he drops. The mech grabs MATT around the waist and lifts him up to his mouth, obviously intending to bite him. But MATT howls in anger and fires his BFG straight into the open mouth. The mech snarls and tosses MATT hard against a wall. He lands on DMA and doesn’t move.
The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who is looking on in a mix of fear and anger. He has his chainsaw running and held at port arms, but looks reluctant to charge into combat. The camera switches to a rear view of him, and the mech is seen stomping towards him. It stops in front of DAVE and bends down threateningly.

The camera switches to KEIRA, standing behind DAVE HOWERY, looking up in fear at the mech. Suddenly a look of deep thought goes across her face. She breaks away and runs across the room. DAVE HOWERY looks at her in surprise. The mech turns towards her, and starts to follow. With a shout of panic, DAVE HOWERY darts forward. He slams his chainsaw through one leg of the mech, but the cut is a small one on the large figure. Yet the mech notices and turns upon him. The mech takes a swing at him, but he manages to dart out of the way. The mech slams a fist onto the floor, barely missing him again. The mech raises both hands to crush him, but KEIRA’S voice heard off camera distracts it.

KEIRA (o.c.)
Hey, you big hairy bag of nuts and bolts! Yeah, you! After
we kick your butt, I’m going to put you in a little sailor suit
and make you dance while people toss nickels into your tin cup!

The mech bellows in fury and moves off camera.

DAVE HOWERY
No!! KEIRA, don’t provoke it!

He runs after the mech.

The camera switches to a view of KEIRA, who is over by a wall, kneeling down next to an overturned trash can. She is frantically pawing through the rubbish on the floor. She looks up in fear a moment. The camera switches to her POV, showing the mech advancing on her, with DAVE HOWERY sawing ineffectively at its ankles. The camera switches back to KEIRA, who suddenly grins and then throws something off camera.

The camera switches back to the mech; a small object lands in front of it. The camera switches to a close up view of it; it’s a banana peel. The foot of the mech lands square on it. The camera pulls back out and we see the mech moving forward, but suddenly one foot slips out. The mech teeters a moment on one leg, and then falls backwards. DAVE HOWERY looks up wide eyed at the huge metal mass falling towards him, and then dives out of the way. The mech barely misses him as it crashes onto the floor. DAVE HOWERY rolls out of the way, but loses his grip on his chainsaw, which skids out of reach. The mech struggles feebly for a moment to get to its feet. Suddenly, it dissolves, turning back into the horde of robot monkeys. They scatter around the room, screeching in rage. KEIRA hastily backs into a corner, with her chainsaw running, as a dozen of the monkeys advance on her.

The camera switches to DAVE HOWERY, who is getting up onto his knees, shaking his head. He reaches out towards his chainsaw, but PEANUTS is standing on it. The robot monkey bares its sharp metal teeth. DAVE HOWERY looks around; he is unarmed, and dozens of the monkeys surround him. The camera switches back to PEANUTS, who starts to move towards DAVE HOWERY. Suddenly, a loud BANG is heard off camera, and PEANUTS explodes into a mass of sparking metal parts. The rest of the monkeys collapse, as if they were puppets whose strings had been cut. DAVE HOWERY looks around to see DMA standing by the wall, smoking BFG in hand, and a trickle of blood running down his temple. MATT and WEAPON M are groaning and getting back on their feet.

DAVE HOWERY
Nice shot! Looks like PEANUTS was personally controlling
all of the others, so destroying him took down all the others.
(pause)
Who’d have thought it would be DMA who saves the day?!

DMA
Hey! I can do stuff besides eat Vegemite sandwiches! Like… like…
(pause)
So, KEIRA, that was pretty sharp thinking there. But it was damn lucky
that there happened to be a banana peel in the trash right this moment.

KEIRA
(shrugs)
Not really. There are always banana peels around here.
I like the taste of them, and DAVE likes to watch me eat them.

The other three men look with raised eyebrows at DAVE HOWERY, who turns red and mumbles something about potassium requirements.

DAVE HOWERY
Anyway… I think I can put an end to this mess. LEO,
do you have contact with any of my mechs now?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, most of them.

DAVE HOWERY
Then order all of them to return to the lab and shut down.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY

DR. WHAT is seen running down a corridor, but it is a dead end. He looks around frantically for a moment, and even tries to claw his way through the metal wall, but to no avail. He looks around to see GROVER advancing on him, one massive hand stretched out. DR. WHAT closes his eyes, trembling in fear. After a long moment, he cautiously opens one eye to look. GROVER is seen walking down the corridor away from him.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ROBOTICS LAB- DAY

The crewmembers are walking around the lab, looking at the bodies of the robot monkeys.

MATT
Geez, DAVE, what are you going to do with all this mess?

DAVE HOWERY
Disassemble them all, put the parts back in the bins…
they’re too costly to just toss in the trash.

Off camera, footsteps are heard as someone enters the room. The crew all look around. MATT, WEAPON M, DMA, and KEIRA all scream and put their hands over their eyes, calling out for forks. DAVE HOWERY pales and looks about to retch, but doesn’t.

DAVE HOWERY
Damn, I haven’t seen anything so horrible since I was in the war…

The camera switches to a view of the doorway. IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK have walked into the lab. Both are wearing matching pink teddies. IRONYUPPIE looks quite fetching in hers, but LANDSHARK… doesn’t. IRONYUPPIE has BILL under one arm, the top of his head missing. Smoke is still rising out of the robot.

IRONYUPPIE
Wow, LEO was right; we do have a Robotics Lab.

DAVE HOWERY
Wow, I’m glad to see that BILL
didn’t kill either of you, and I am
truly sorry that he got so close and…

IRONYUPPIE
No time for chitchat. Fix him.

DAVE HOWERY
But… he’s a killer! Sure, he’s
been programmed to give great
pleasure, but if you stop for even
a moment to relax, he’ll kill you!

IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK look at each other in joy.

LANDSHARK
It just keeps getting better and better!
Fix him!

DAVE HOWERY
No! Look, I can’t let him stay
loose and be a danger…

IRONYUPPIE steps forward and grabs DAVE HOWERY by the front of his shirt and lifts him off the ground, his feet waving helplessly.

IRONYUPPIE
Did you just say no to me?!
Fix. Him. NOW!!

DAVE HOWERY
(choking)
All right, all right! I’ll fix him!
It’ll take just a couple of days.

IRONYUPPIE shakes him angrily.

DAVE HOWERY
Okay, just one day!!

IRONYUPPIE puts DAVE back on the ground and props BILL up against a wall.

IRONYUPPIE
One day. I’ll be back in one day.

She and LANDSHARK leave the room. MATT cautiously opens his eyes.

MATT
Is it safe to look now?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah. Well, we better find the captain,
and tell him what’s happened.

The crewmembers all leave the room. The camera pans over to LUAKEL, still tied to the table. He suddenly stirs to life and looks around. He manages to spit the peanuts out of his mouth.

LUAKEL
Hey, is anyone there? Can someone
untie me? I’m really thirsty after all
those peanuts, and my wrists are
getting chafed.
(pause)
Hello?

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S READY ROOM- EVENING

DR. WHAT is seen here sitting behind his desk. DAVE HOWERY is on the other side, clipboard in hand, talking to him.

DAVE HOWERY
So, the crew lounge is about a total write
off again… going to have to hit the Hub
again when we get a chance. But other
than that, there really isn’t any damage
to the ship, other than some holes punched
into the walls. There’s nothing that will
interfere with normal operations.

DR. WHAT
(sighs)
Yeah, but you know how the crew is
about their entertainment. We better
shift to the Hub ASAP. Well, go ahead
and get started on repairs tomorrow.

DAVE HOWERY nods and turns to leave.

DR. WHAT
Oh, have all the crew been accounted for?

DAVE HOWERY
I haven’t had a chance to really check, but I think so.

DR. WHAT
That’s good. Okay, that’s all.

DAVE HOWERY grins nastily, but his back is turned, so DR. WHAT doesn’t see it.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- EVENING

The camera shows a close up shot of the metal cabinet that PSYCHOMELTDOWN and G BONE are hiding in. Their voices are heard coming from inside it.

G BONE
Do you think its still out there?

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It must be. If it had been neutralized,
someone would have told us by now.

G BONE
(groans)
I have to pee so bad!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Well, you’ll just have to hold it.

G BONE
Sorry… can’t.
(pause)
Ahhhhhhhh….

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
Oh, God damn it!

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

ONE WEEK LATER

PSYCHOMELTDOWN is seen with a screwdriver in his hand. He is pulling back, obviously having just finished working on something. The camera switches views, and we see him standing in front of a robotic copy of ALYSON HANNIGAN. It is a very good resemblance, but she has been tarted up with too much makeup and a skimpy teddy.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
It’s done! Ha! Who
needs DAVE anyway!

He takes out a remote control device and pushes a button on it. The robot opens its eyes and looks fondly at PSYCHOMELTDOWN. While it looks very much like the real ALYSON, the robot obviously has a few problems; it sways on its feet, not quite balanced, and its head moves jerkily.

ALYSON BOT
Oh, PSYCHO, you you are
the onleeeee one for meeeee.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN smiles with pure delight and reaches out towards her, obviously intending to cup her breasts.

ALYSON BOT
Oh, yesyes, touch
me… me… me me me…
memememememememe
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…….

With a loud BOOM, the robot’s head explodes. The rest of the robot is still standing there, headless. PSYCHOMELTDOWN looks on wide-eyed for a moment, and then shrugs and keeps reaching out.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MICHAEL’S QUARTERS- DAY

The camera pans across the room, and stops on the door. It opens, and MICHAEL is seen walking in. He looks somewhat tired and battered, but whole. He moves across the room, heading for his refrigerator, but a sound off camera distracts him. He stares wide eyed for a moment.

MICHAEL
Who are you?

The camera switches to his POV. HILLARY is seen leaning seductively up against a wall. She looks stunningly beautiful. Her long blonde hair flows over her shoulders, her eyes are vivid green, and her slit skirt reveals a very shapely leg.

HILLARY
I am for you.

MICHAEL stares in shock at her a moment, and then looks suspiciously around the room.

MICHAEL
Is this some kind of joke? Is there a camera in here?

He looks back at HILLARY, who smiles at him with dazzling white teeth.

MICHAEL
Oh who cares?

He moves over to HILLARY and hugs her fiercely. Over his shoulder, HILLARY’S eyes can be seen glowing bright red as they narrow in fierce triumph.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS