TEASER
INT. – AH.COM SHIP CORRIDOR – DAY
The camera slowly pans along the corridor of the ship. We slowly come to a stop before a door marked ‘IronYuppie’s Lair’. The nametag seems to be etched into the door rather than painted on it and the engraved letters have an eerie reddish-brown sheen to them –almost as if they had been filled in with some kind of viscous red fluid of some sort at one point.
We hear loud, high pitched screaming from inside.
The door opens and IRONYUPPIE comes out, wearing a dominatrix costume—with certain modifications.
There is a giant latex lizard tail attached to the rear, a frilly lizard ruff around her neck and she’s sporting extremely huge fangs. She spits out the fangs and turns to face the room.
IRONYUPPIE
(screaming)
IF I’M NOT SEXY YOU’RE NOT TRYING!!
(beat)
Where the hell is Bruno, he’ll be all over this costume!
IRONYUPPIE storms off down the corridor.
We hear LANDSHARK calling out from the room.
LANDSHARK
ggggggroooooooooooooaannnnnnnnn………cough…..
(beat)
Am I bleeding?
(beat)
Is that suppose to be that colour?
(beat)
(weakly)
I think I’m dying here…
(beat)
Erikka? Hello?…..
(beat)
This is like our trip to Paris all over again…
CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:
An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:
AH.COM: The Series
“TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU”
Written By 
OCTOR WHAT & THANDE
ACT I
EXT. – DESOLATE LANDSCAPE – DAY
The camera pans up on a scene which is straight out of a post-Apocalyptic thriller. The ground is brown and dead, bare rock and that scorched. Here and there, there are big flat patches of shiny radioactive glass, the result of nuclear attacks. The sky is dark and filled with rumbling stormclouds, the flashes of lightning adding to the weak light from the sun. Nothing is green. Nothing grows. And yet, all around, there are traces suggesting that this world was once alive – a peculiarly regular rock formation that, at second glance, turns out to be a skyscraper, the remnants of a road underfoot with a cat’s eye…
A stiletto-heeled shoe steps on the cat’s eye and shatters it.
LANDSHARK
(muttering obscenities)
If that’s damaged my Gucci mock-croc slingbacks…
LANDSHARK sits down on what at first looks like a rock, but then we see it’s the remnants of a car long since melted by the heat of a nuclear blast. As he sits and fiddles with his shoe, we pan around…
Six AH.commers are walking around the desolation, mostly looking bored.
DIAMOND, however, is conscientiously scraping some dirt off a nearby rock into a petri dish, which he then hands to WEAPON M.
DIAMOND
Dude, put this in the scanner, okay?
WEAPON M
Sure.
As DIAMOND turns away to resume scraping, WEAPON M produces a giant steak sandwich with lettuce and tomato, delicately sprinkles the brown dirt on the top, and eats the whole thing in five huge bites.
DIAMOND freezes in realisation and slowly turns around.
DIAMOND
What…the hell was that?!
WEAPON M
Sorry, I thought you were using a euphemism.
DIAMOND
(muttering)
I’ll euthanise you…
DIAMOND grabs WEAPON M by the neck, grabs his scanner – a mobile-phone-like device with a long sensor aerial – and jams it down his throat, then dispassionately stares at the readings while WEAPON M gags.
DIAMOND
Hmm…radiation levels higher than
normal, but safe. Scanner thinks whatever
holocaust happened here must have been
at least forty years ago.
DIAMOND finally releases WEAPON M, who gags a few more times and then settles down, giving him a dirty look.
LANDSHARK
(inspecting shoe)
Bloody Yanks, relying on scanners
to do your thinking for you.
IRON YUPPIE
Did I say you could speak?
(Landshark shuts up)
WEAPON M
(rubbing throat)
Doesn’t much narrow it down.
Could have been Cuba, could have been anything.
DIAMOND
Hell, there isn’t enough left of this world left
that we could say it wasn’t Grand Tartary vs the
Kingdom of Burgundy over the dispute in Spanish Alaska…
(smiles happily to himself for a moment)
LEO CAESIUS, in his robot body, steps out from behind one of the ruined, melted buildings.
LEO CAESIUS
Well, does it really matter whose nukes it was that turned you into
a burn mark on the ground? You’re still dead either way…
DIAMOND and WEAPON M both stare at him in open-mouthed incomprehension.
WEAPON M
But our nukes are cool defenders of
freedom whereas the commies’ are evil
weapons of mass destruction!
LEO CAESIUS
(sighs)
Never mind.
DIAMOND puts down his scanner.
DIAMOND
Why am I doing this, anyway?
I thought Kit was supposed to be in
charge of taking samples.
LEO CAESIUS
(looking embarrassed)
Ah…yeah…about that…
Change camera angle – inside the ruined building LEO CAESIUS just stepped out of, KIT is standing in front of a reflective patch of radioactive glass and is admiring himself from different angles.
KIT
(breathlessly)
Oh, I’m taking samples all right…
Cut back to original angle. LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE walk on, looking bored.
LANDSHARK
Why the hell are we here anyway?
Yet another world where the damned
colonials got too big for their boots and
destroyed the world, so what?
LEO CAESIUS
Because I got some strange readings from orbit…
LEO CAESIUS frowns and raises his hand. Lights flash on the back in a similar pattern to those on DIAMOND’s scanner. It’s obvious that his robot hand includes a built-in sensor suite.
LEO CAESIUS
Yes, it’s as I thought.
See those craters over there?
Everyone cranes their necks and nods. There’s a regular geometrical line of twin craters running across the entire landscape.
LEO CAESIUS
Well, as Jim said, the nuclear devastation
was at least forty years ago, but those craters
were inflicted much more recently – less than
a year ago. And according to the sensors, they
were inflicted by plasma weapons.
WEAPON M
(authoritatively)
Plasma weapons? Shit, man, those are way
beyond nukes! They couldn’t have got those
in forty years even if they hadn’t been rebuilding!
LEO CAESIUS
And, furthermore, there’s no evidence
that anyone survived the first round. A puzzler…
(pregnant pause)
LANDSHARK
Yeah, whatever. Nothing to salvage,
no shoe shops, not even a band of survivors
we can help against the odds against some enemy,
which has to be a first. Why are we still here?
IRONYUPPIE
I knew there was a reason I kept you around.
LANDSHARK
(coyly)
I thought there were two?
IRONYUPPIE
Nope, not since last Tuesday, remember?
LANDSHARK
Oh, right, yes.
(winces)
DIAMOND
(loudly)
Much as I hate to admit it, Sharkboy’s got a point.
There’s nothing more to see here.
LEO CAESIUS
(sighs)
Oh, very well.
(to himself)
Damned fleshbags…
DIAMOND pulls out a phone and flips the lid open.
DIAMOND
Survey team to AH.com…
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO; a bit tinny)
What? There must be some mistake! We haven’t had a vitamin C deficiency
case for months! Well, except young Luakel, but he eats so much polystyrene-
DIAMOND
(patiently)
For the third time, Doc, I said survey team, not scurvy cream.
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
Er – yes, I knew that.
Are you coming home?
LEO CAESIUS
(muttering)
Apparently.
WEAPON M
You betcha.
KIT
(VO)
Five more minutes!
The other AH.commers roll their eyes.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
The teleportation room is as chaotic as always, with panels hanging open and things spliced into other things, often held in place with blu-tack or sellotape. Leaning back on the rather dodgy-looking swivel chair is G.BONE. He’s reading a copy of Playboy from a Puritan Commonwealth timeline (headline: Girls in Trousers!! ) and has a bowl of popcorn balanced on his stomach. Half-finished Chinese meals in foil containers are piled on the control console, on which G.BONE is resting his feet.
The comm system suddenly blares out much too loud.
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
G.Bone?
The whole carefully balanced assemblage collapses, with G.BONE being buried under a pile of popcorn and Chinese meals, and the Playboy going flying and falling open at the ‘Damn the Pope in 50 Words or Less and Win a Prize’ page.
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
G.Bone?!!
G.BONE slowly picks himself up, pulling noodles out of his hair and throwing them away.
G.BONE
What is it, dude?
DOCTOR WHAT
Finally!
(mutters to himself)
The landing party need beaming up.
G.BONE
(blank)
Beaming…up…?
DOCTOR WHAT
(with practiced patience)
The teleporters. G.Bone, you work
the teleporters. It’s your job.
G.BONE
(relieved)
Oh, right!
(pause)
DOCTOR WHAT
Well?
G.BONE
Uh…okay.
G.BONE brushes the rest of the debris off the console, stares at the complex screens and controls with the utmost concentration, and then closes his eyes and starts hitting buttons at random. We hear hums and bleeps as the system powers up.
EXT. – DESOLATE LANDSCAPE – DAY
LANDSHARK, IRONYUPPIE, DIAMOND, WEAPON M, KIT and LEO CAESIUS all vanish with a loud pop.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
G.BONE pulls one last lever and the columns of light start to rematerialise on the pads .
G.BONE
Piece of pizza!
Then… The columns start to flicker and fade. On the console, red lights light up and flash. A warning klaxon begins to sound.
G.BONE
Bogus!
G.BONE presses every button he hasn’t already, twice, then picks up a huge wrench and begins hitting the console. Sparks fly and lights go out, and then finally the siren is cut out.
G.BONE
Fixed!
He settles back down to his reading, but as he does so, the columns finally brighten one last time and six things fade back into existence.
Six…things…
G.BONE looks up to see six little piles. Five of what look like dust, and one of iron filings.
Buried in one of the piles of dust is a stiletto-heeled shoe…
G.BONE
(thinking carefully)
Not a good thing. No.
DOCTOR WHAT
(VO)
What’s going on down there?
Are they back?
G.BONE
Um…well, bits of them are…
DOCTOR WHAT
WHAT?!!
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
The room has been turned upside down. All the panels are still open but now DAVE HOWERY, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL are fiddling with all of them with screwdrivers. Sparks occasionally fly. G.BONE, looking nervous, is sitting on a stool with DOCTOR WHAT and HENDRYK glaring at him.
G.BONE
Look, er…
DOCTOR WHAT
(quiet, deadly)
No talking yet.
HENDRYK hits DOCTOR WHAT, breaking the dramatic moment.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, I meant him not me!
HENDRYK
But who am I to disobey the will of the What?
DOCTOR WHAT opens his mouth just as TORQUMADA and THANDE walk in. Both are holding printouts and look grim.
DOCTOR WHAT
Well?
TORQUMADA
Those piles definitely contain traces of
their DNA. I’ve even identified which is which.
THANDE
And the nuclear magnetic resonance imaging
gives the level of C-13 enrichment as being
consistent with that of interdimensional travellers.
Pause – all look at THANDE
TORQUMADA
Translation, yes, it’s them.
THANDE
(muttering)
Philistines…
DOCTOR WHAT’s eyes are wide and his mouth is hanging open. It’s obvious that he never really expected this to happen.
DOCTOR WHAT
Wha…they’re really gone?
THANDE
Mixed in with the dust from that planet, it appears.
DOCTOR WHAT turns on the quailing G.BONE.
DOCTOR WHAT
YOU! You killed six of my best crewmen!
(starts to strangle him)
And Erikka hadn’t returned that pirate copy of
Lesbo Lovelines III she borrowed!
(points accusingly at one of the dust piles)
I bet it’s mixed up in there now!
G.BONE chokes, as everyone else stares in surprise at the red-misted DOCTOR WHAT. Diplomatically, MATT and TORQUMADA pull him away before he can kill him.
MATT
(out of the corner of his mouth)
You don’t suppose Doc’s been mind-controlled
or replaced by an alternate or something for the
236,915,687th time?
TORQUMADA
I’ve seen that DVD, it’s definitely our Doc.
DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not going to let you…
DAVE HOWERY interposes himself between G.BONE and DOCTOR WHAT.
DAVE HOWERY
Sorry, Doc, not happening. It’s taken me
three years just to get these bozos up
to “incompetent”.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN and MICHAEL are about to protest, then look at each other, shrug and nod.
DAVE HOWERY
Anyway, I don’t think it was his fault.
I checked the teleporter log. Something weird happened.
Maybe it was something about this planet, the radiation
or something, but I don’t think there was anything
G.Bone could have done.
DOCTOR WHAT glares at DAVE HOWERY, then nods reluctantly.
DOCTOR WHAT
(heavily)
If you say so.
G.BONE
Cool! Does that mean I still get that paid vacation-
DOCTOR WHAT/DAVE HOWERY
(together)
Don’t push it.
G.BONE scampers away.
DAVE HOWERY
(seriously)
This is going to be tough, Doc.
We’ll have to run the ship with
five fewer crewmen.
DOCTOR WHAT
Five? Don’t you mean six?
DAVE HOWERY
Well, no, ’cause Leo-
They both stare at each other in horrified realisation, then at the blank computer displays.
DOCTOR WHAT
Leo! How are we going to run the ship without him?
DAVE HOWERY
(grimly)
The short answer is, we’re not.
EXT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE CONFERENCE ROOM
The remaining crew is sat around the table. The light level is low and wavering. As we watch, DOCTOR WHAT, the last crewmember, comes in through the door. The door only opens halfway and he has to grunt and squeeze his way through the rest.
DOCTOR WHAT
Why the hell is this happening so fast?
We’ve got by without Leo for days before!
DAVE HOWERY
That was before we got shot up within inches
of total destruction about six times in a week.
Even with my own engineering genius
(preens, while everyone else looks faintly sick)
the repairs only hold together because Leo’s there
to optimise the systems. Without him controlling
the automated systems…
Long significant pause.
MATT
What are we going to do?
We can’t just abandon the ship!
DOCTOR WHAT
No indeed, it would take far too long
to transport my porn collection to another.
G.BONE
I could always teleport it…
DOCTOR WHAT
No!!
DOCTOR WHAT
Look, what can we do to stop this?
DAVE HOWERY
I’ve checked the archives in case there was a backup
copy of Leo or some emergency AI, but nada.
DOCTOR WHAT
The ship ran perfectly well when it was
just you, me and Grey, and we didn’t have an AI then.
DAVE HOWERY
But all the systems we’ve installed since then
rely on Leo. There isn’t enough of that original ship left…
DOCTOR WHAT
(sighs)
All right. So there’s no backup AI, and we
can’t use the ship without an AI. What else is there?
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
I’ve got an idea…
MICHAEL
(sarcastically)
All our problems are solved.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
(ignoring him)
Remember when G.Bone built that
machine for Leo so the ship could
be run by three human brains
instead of an AI?
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh yes, during that ‘Sympathy Day’ business-
(stares at him)
You want to entrust the ship to something he built?
G.BONE
That’s not very neighbourly.
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
What other choice do we have?
DAVE HOWERY
Much as I hate to say it, the kid’s got a point.
DOCTOR WHAT
(surrendering)
Okay, okay!
But who do we get to run it?
GBW
(suddenly rising from thoughtful silence)
Well, clearly we need to choose those crewmembers
who follow the laws of logic and reason like any
computer AI.
Long pause.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hendryk, you mean? Michael?
GBW
(a bit put out)
Well, not in so many words…
MICHAEL
(helpfully)
He means himself, Doc.
GBW
No, I – oh, what the hell.
DOCTOR WHAT
Oh! Well, no doing, Dubya. I need you to
take over from Sharky as Chief Pilot.
Another long pause.
EVERYONE
Sharky was chief pilot?!!
DOCTOR WHAT
(holds up crew manifesto)
I know, I know, it was a shock to me as well-
GBW
So, who does get to be the computer?
DAVE HOWERY
(musing)
We need three of them, and they need to be among
the most sane, well-balanced and emotionally
well-adjusted individuals on this ship…
Long pause as everyone avoids each others’ gaze.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – COMPUTER ROOM
The giant sphere that normally houses LEO CAESIUS’ mind is dark and silent. Off in a corner, now having the dust and cobwebs blown off it by the engineering crew, is G.BONE’s machine. It consists of three chairs with colanders on the top and wires going into the big sphere.
Off to one side, DOCTOR WHAT and DAVE HOWERY are speaking in serious tones to some people off-camera.
DOCTOR WHAT
Look, I’ll understand if you back out.
This is a big responsibility…
FEMALE VOICE
Yes, but it’s also a big opportunity.
Given the chance to see the world
as Mr Caesius does…
DAVE HOWERY
(looking emotional)
Please, please, be careful.
FEMALE VOICE
Don’t worry, David, I will.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY steps from the shadows, brushes her lips across DAVE HOWERY’s and – now with some thin cuts around her chin from DAVE HOWERY’s indestructible beard – goes over to the three chairs. She is followed by the GIANT MOSQUITO and BOBO. TORQUMADA is fussing over the latter.
TORQUMADA
Don’t fall in with the wrong crowd! Don’t-
BOBO
Bobo save ship.
Bobo make Torqumada proud.
TORQUMADA wipes a tear from his eye and, although it’s an emotional wrench, lets BOBO go.
G.BONE straps the three into the chairs and adjusts the colanders over their heads.
DOCTOR WHAT sends a sidelong glance at HENDRYK.
DOCTOR WHAT
Say-does it worry you at all that
the three most sane and well-adjusted
people on this ship are a cloned supermodel,
a giant flying brain and a huge mosquito
created in a teleporter accident?
HENDRYK
If the Great What says it must worry me, then it shall!
(tries to look worried; ends up more looking constipated)
DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind.
(he turns to the chairs)
Are you ready?
G.BONE makes the last adjustment, nods and throws the switch.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY/MOSQUITO/BOBO
(all three speaking with one voice)
We are as one.
FLOCCULENCIO
Oooooo-kaaaay…
Suddenly, light flows down the cables connecting the colanders to the big sphere, and that lights up too, one layer at a time. A background hum rises, and a thousand little noises that were silenced, come back on. The AH.com ship has come back to life.
DOCTOR WHAT points dramatically at the ceiling.
DOCTOR WHAT
To the bridge!
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – BRIDGE – DAY
The AH.commers all rush onto the bridge, which, as we watch, begins to power up from its dark and inert status. The doors all slide open and shut- nearly crushing LUAKEL in the process – and all the consoles light up. DAVE HOWERY checks the nearest one, which has an anglepoise lamp attached to it.
DAVE HOWERY
Systems running at full capacity.
DOCTOR WHAT
Excellent.
(stares vaguely at ceiling)
Computer?
MEDLEY OF KEIRA/MOSQUITO/BOBO
We would prefer to be addressed as…’Keirsquitbo’.
DOCTOR WHAT blinks and glances at the others, who all shrug at him.
DOCTOR WHAT
Er…oookayy…
(pulls himself together)
What is the ship’s situation?
KEIRSQUITBO
Minor damage has accumulated during
the time without AI supervision.
Automated repairs are commencing.
DAVE HOWERY gives a thumb’s-up to DOCTOR WHAT, although he keeps sending anxious looks at the ceiling.
DAVE HOWERY
(half to himself)
Are you OK in there…?
The anglepoise lamp attached suddenly swivels around towards DAVE HOWERY and fastens its head against a surprised HOWERY’s mouth. We hear a disgusting squelching sound and then it withdraws. HOWERY now has a burn mark on the parts of his beard around his mouth, from the incandescent bulb, and a dazed look on his face.
KEIRSQUITBO
I am always here for you, my love.
DAVE HOWERY
Wow, now you’re hot in more ways than one…
DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Okay. We’ve got the ship back up
and running, that’s the important thing.
(heavily)
And our first order of business is to say
goodbye to those of us who have fallen in
the cause of duty.
MICHAEL
‘Duty’ here being defined as ‘searching the
universe for booze and porn’.
DOCTOR WHAT
Greater men have died for less.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CARGO BAY – DAY
The scene is subdued. In the centre of the cargo bay are six torpedoes, with the piles of dust on top and photos of those who have ‘died’. Surrounding them is the crowd of AH.commers, most of whom are wearing black armbands or other mourning dress. HENDRYK stands at the front in full red and gold Whatian robes. We focus on DOCTOR WHAT and GBW at the side.
DOCTOR WHAT
You’d have thought that Thande
and Torq would have made it!
GBW
Maybe it’s against their religions.
DOCTOR WHAT
(testily)
Torq has to understand that, with IY
gone, we just don’t have any big-breasted
women on board so we can’t perform the
ceremony he wanted!
GBW
(musingly)
I know. A pity.
HENDRYK
(ceremoniously)
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
They’re all dead, in Ian we trust -
And now we shall have some readings
from the Speakers for the Dead…
A montage of images showing different AH.commers standing up and giving eulogies for each individual crewmember -
FLOCCULENCIO
I knew he always wanted us to find
a Mandaean-wank world where that religion
dominated the entire planet…well, I hope
someday, somehow, he comes to find it himself.
GBW
Of all the angry Brits I’ve known, and
believe me there’ve been a few, there’s never
been one quite like him. For which we should
all be thankful.
MATT
He never let anyone outgun him. I’d give anything
to speak to him again, even if I had to listen to
his damned threesome story for the fifteen
gazillionth time.
HENDRYK
She was the hottest foreign devil I’ve ever
laid eyes on. And the scariest. And as for those magnificent -
(goes off into incomprehensible but clearly emotional Chinese)
PSYCHOMELTDOWN
If it hadn’t been for those new contact lenses
he’d made for me, I’d have never been able to
truly see Alyson in all her glorious beauty…
may you find the halls of your fathers, man.
Finally it comes to DOCTOR WHAT, standing before the torpedo/coffin with the picture of KIT. He looks emotional.
DOCTOR WHAT
We need not speak of his mastery of innuendo, his
unmatchable knowledge of Welsh geography, or his
unerring skill with complementary colours.
Of my friend, I can only say this, that…
(voice breaking)
…of all the souls I have encountered in my travels
through time and space, his was the most…
(he falters)
…straight.
Solemn silence. Everyone takes a step back.
HENDRYK nods at MATT, who presses a button on a console. The cargo bays doors open, the atmosphere kept in by a forcefield, and the torpedoes slide down their racks towards the beautiful view of the starscape now revealed. Everyone is still, just watching. Then-
DAVE HOWERY
(complaining)
Why do I have to do this, anyway?
Heads turn to see HOWERY, wearing a kilt and struggling with a set of bagpipes.
DOCTOR WHAT
Because you’re a bearded engineer.
DAVE HOWERY
I’ve never played these things before!
(holds them at arms’ length)
It looks like something out of one of
Hendryk’s porn films!
HENDRYK opens his mouth to protest, then looks considering. He exchanges a thoughtful glance with DOCTOR WHAT, who mouths five words at him.
DOCTOR WHAT
(turning back to HOWERY)
Just play it!
HOWERY shrugs and grabs the bagpipes. Everyone turns back towards the torpedoes as they continue sliding down the racks out into space.
Bagpipe music begins to play. “Amazing Grace”…and it is beautiful, perfect. There are actually tears in the eyes of even some of the most hardened AH.commers.
And then DOCTOR WHAT catches sight of something out of the corner of his eye and turns as something floats past.
It’s a red-faced HOWERY. He’s inflated like a balloon and the bagpipes,hanging underneath, are playing HIM, not the other way around. They’re
clearly a sentient lifeform.
DOCTOR WHAT sighs.
GBW
Y’know, he kind of looks like an airship…
Everyone stares at HOWERY, cocking their heads to one side, then nod and hastily adjust their trousers.
DOCTOR WHAT
(coughing)
Anyway…
The torpedoes slip off the end and out into space. Their engines ignite and they go blazing off into the sunset.
MATT
It’s the way they’d have wanted to go.
DOCTOR WHAT
Not enough lesbians involved for that I’m afraid–
Well, maybe Oth.
The silence continues as all watch the torpedoes heading off into the distance. Finally there are six flashes of light as they explode, and then nothing. There is a feeling of relaxing tension in the room. DOCTOR WHAT wipes away a last tear and then turns to address his crew.
DOCTOR WHAT
All right.
I know it’s going to be hard,
but we’re going to get through this.
We’re a team, a family even, albeit
a rather dysfunctional one.
C’mon, let’s give ‘em hell.
The crew nod grimly or mutter a few words of agreement. Everyone turns to the door, which opens-
And THANDE and TORQUMADA come out, dressed in their lab coats and holding yet more sheafs of printouts, grinning madly. DOCTOR WHAT frowns at the spectacle.
DOCTOR WHAT
I hardly think this is in the best taste-
HENDRYK
Shall we burn them, O Great One?
THANDE
(ignoring this)
We found it!
DOCTOR WHAT
What?
TORQUMADA
(holds something up two stiletto shoes)
Ohh, whoever did it, he was good!
But he was just a little TOO clever!
DOCTOR WHAT
What?!!
THANDE
It didn’t quite match!
If he’d just left well alone then the
enrichment would have fooled us! It
nearly DID fool us! But-
DOCTOR WHAT
WHAT?!!!!
The two pause and finally condescend to explain.
TORQUMADA
We ran tests on this shoe and compared
it to the piles of dust.
THANDE
The 13C patterns don’t quite match.
TORQUMADA
Neither does the DNA.
DOCTOR WHAT
Bu-but you said they were genuine…
THANDE
In isolation, they were good enough
fakes that you couldn’t tell the difference.
TORQUMADA
But we compared the shoe and the dust
to one of Sharky’s real shoes, and there’s
just enough difference…
(grins)
They’re fakes. Very skillful fakes, but fakes.
DOCTOR WHAT
You — you mean –
THANDE
They might be still alive?
Count on it.
DOCTOR WHAT grins, punches the air. Everyone else breaks into similar scenes of celebration. Except DAVE HOWERY who glares out of the cargo bay.
DAVE HOWERY
Waste of six good torpedoes…
KEIRSQUITBO
(softly)
You’ll always have more than enough firepower for me, Dave.
Behind his beard, HOWERY blushes.
DOCTOR WHAT
There’s no time to lose!
Take us back to that timeline,
on the triple!
KEIRSQUITBO
Acknowledged.
Visible in the starscape out of the cargo bay, a vortex begins to form…
INT- LARGE WELL DECORATED ROOM- DAY
The room is large and tastefully decorated with numerous Victorian style furnishings. Several paintings depicting various naval or land battles are hanging on the walls here and there. A large fireplace can be seen in one corner, a fire burning in it. The camera pans over the room to show IRONYUPPIE lying on a couch. She is wearing a rather large and frilly red dress. She opens her eyes and looks around in confusion for a few seconds. She spots LANDSHARK lying on his back on the ground. He’s wearing a tasteful 19th century style black suit. He also has—for some reason—a small pencil moustache.
IRONYUPPIE
What the hell? Sharky-get your ass up!
(kicks LANDSHARK)
LANDSHARK
Huh?—wha?—what’s going on?
IRONYUPPIE
You tell me. One minute we’re on the planet waiting
to be beamed up—the next we’re here. In these clothes.
LANDSHARK
God-damnit! I’m going to kill that useless Yank!
I bet you he screwed up the teleporting! Again!
IRONYUPPIE gets up and walks towards some large balcony doors. She pushes them open to see fields as far as the eye can see. Picking the crops are large numbers of men and women.
Black men and women.
IRONYUPPIE
Sharky love—I have a really bad feeling about this…
A door suddenly opens and a short overweight middle-aged black woman bursts into the room. She looks at IRONYUPPIE in surprise and looks at LANDSHARK in barely concealed disapproval and contempt.
WOMAN
Miss Scarlett! Really now! I do declare—
a proper lady shouldn’t have a
(looks at LANDSHARK in disgust)
…gentleman, I suppose… friend
in her room unsupervised!
IRONYUPPIE
Miss Scarlett?!
WOMAN
(to LANDSHARK)
And you! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
What would your momma think! And the guests
are waiting for you downstairs!
(grabs LANDSHARK and starts forcing him out the door)
Now get yourself down there right away and
make the Rhett Butler name proud again!
LANDSHARK
Rhett Butler?!
WOMAN drags LANDSHARK out the door, slamming it shut behind her.
EXT.- DESERT PLANET- DAY
WIDE SHOT
We see DIAMOND and WEAPON M trudging slowly along through a vast desert wasteland. The camera slowly pulls in close.
DIAMOND
…and then I’m going to stomp on them!
WEAPON M
Interesting. I wasn’t aware that you can remove
a person’s kidneys through their nostrils.
DIAMOND
I’ll find a way!
WEAPON M
In the last 30 minutes you’ve described no less than
eighteen different ways you’re going to kill G.BONE.
(beat)
I sense some slight hostility here, my pantless friend.
DIAMOND
We’re on a freaking desert planet thanks to that
lunatic! How can you NOT be upset?
WEAPON M
Easy. The gang is no doubt aware of our predicament. They
are no doubt attempting to look for us as we speak. The tele-
porter has a finite range so there’s only a limited number of
places we could have ended up in. Ergo-sooner or later we’ll
be found. All we have to do is survive until that happens.
DIAMOND
And how the hell are we suppose to do that until it happens?
WEAPON M
Why—go towards that oasis yonder there.
(points)
Sure enough—about a mile or so away—we see a very large oasis, complete with some very dense plant growth and the occasional tree.
DIAMOND
How DO you do that?
WEAPON M
Ah—all part of my philosophy I call “The Three-Way Third Way”.
I shall teach it to you one day. Hey—by the way—did I ever tell
you about the time I had a three-
The two of them walk slowly towards the oasis.
EXT. OASIS- DAY
We see DIAMOND and WEAPON M eating some fruit and drinking handfuls of water. They’re obviously feeling quite relaxed and generally just chilling out.
We suddenly hear a horn blowing eerily in the distance. It blows again a few seconds later—this time much closer.
DIAMOND and WEAPON M stand up to see the bushes in the distance begin to shake and rustle. We see what looks like a large stick swishing back and forth in the bushes. It comes closer to the two ah.commers. From out of the bushes comes…
LUAKEL-dressed in what appears to be simple ‘peasant-style’ clothes.
DIAMOND and WEAPON M look in disbelief.
DIAMOND
(relieved voice)
Jeez man! You scared the crap out of us,
LUAKEL! What the hell are you doing here?
LUAKEL looks at the two of them in confusion.
LUAKEL
LUAKEL? Who’s LUAKEL? My name is…
(beat)
URKEL….
We see the bushes behind him rustle some more and we see several more LUAKELS…then dozens…then hundreds…more appear behind him.
URKEL
URKEL…6146.
DIAMOND
Dude, I’m getting fucking tired of these Luakel clones.
WEAPON M
I agree wholeheartedly.
EXT. JUNGLE – DAY
We see LEO in his robot body walking through the jungle.
LEO
That’s odd…one moment we were being teleported…the next I’m here.
LEO looks around.
LEO
Something very odd about this jungle…
POV- LEO’s eyes
We quickly scroll through different types of vision—infra-red, ultra-violet, X-Ray, magnetic fields, etc.
LEO
Hmmmm….fascinating….
(looks around)
An unusual collection of holograms and recreated scenery.
Not unlike that Role-Playing gameworld the crew was on a
few months back. Clearly this jungle was created for some
similar purpose. It is quite likely thatall this is using some
fictional movie or show of some kind as a source material.
But what movie? And where’s KIT?
LEO continues to walk along the jungle.
SOMETIME LATER
LARGE CLEARING
We see LEO still walking. He stops suddenly and looks at something offscreen. The camera swings around to show—
A stegosaurus eating some plants.
LEO
Oh! Of course! Jurassic Park! Well, as long as
I don’t go into any toilets, I should be fine…
(beat)
This bears further scrutiny.
We suddenly hear an incredibly loud roaring sound that echoes throughout the jungle. The stegosaurus looks up and runs off, obviously in intense fear.
Off in the distance, trees shake and topple.
Obviously a very large thing is fast approaching LEO at great speed, tearing everything in its path.
However, there is so much plant growth that we can’t see anything clearly, other than to know that whatever the thing is, it is huge.
After several seconds, the thing approaches the clearing. From out of the treeline and into the clearing erupts—
A FIFTY FOOT TALL KIT!
LEO
Oh shit.
INT- LARGE BALLROOM – DAY
We see a large ballroom filled with people. Many of the people are wearing clothing in similar style to that of IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK. The people are in small groups but with very limited gender mixing—for the most part, the women are talking to one another while the men are talking to just each other. There are several black slaves carrying trays of drinks and food mingling with the crowd. IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK can be seen listening in on several conversations.
We pull in close to the group that LANDSHARK is with.
CONFEDERATEFLY
War is gonna start any day now,
ROBERT6165
Rather exciting, isn’t it? You know those
fool Yanks may actually WANT a war?
CODEMAN
We’ll show ‘em!
CONFEDERATEFLY
Ha! And after we’ve kicked those
damn Yankees, we’ll start on England!
The men all laugh. LANDSHARK is choking on his drink.
CONFEDERATEFLY
Something wrong?
LANDSHARK
Something wrong? Bloody hell something is wrong!
You are all a bunch of useless war mongering wankers!
(storms away offscreen)
(o.v.)
Bloody colonials!
IRONYUPPIE is listening in on one conversation among several females.
WOMAN #1
Cathleen, who’s that?
WOMAN #2
Who?
WOMAN #1
That man storming off.
The nasty, dark-haired one.
WOMAN #2
My dear, don’t you know? That’s Rhett Butler. He’s from
Charleston. He has the most terrible reputation.
WOMAN #1
He looks as if… as if he knows
what I look like without my shimmy.
IRONYUPPIE snorts.
IRONYUPPIE
More like he wants to try yours on.
IRONYUPPIE storms off, ignoring the shocked looks on the women’s faces.
We see IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK meet up in another room.
IRONYUPPIE
So…we’re actually in the movie ‘Gone with the Wind’.
Some kind of weird role-playing game or something,
forced to act out the whole movie, I guess.
LANDSHARK
This is ridiculous! I’m not anyone’s puppet,
to be used as a plaything then be casually
tossed away like a used kleenix when
they’re done.
IRONYUPPIE raises an eyebrow in disapproval.
LANDSHARK
(realizing his mistake)
Present company excluded, of course.
IRONYUPPIE
Much better.
(beat)
So—what do we do?
LANDSHARK
Hrumph! Maybe I can convince these wankers
to go against their programming.
IRONYUPPIE
(rolling her eyes)
Oh this should be fun….
LANDSHARK walks towards the center of the ballroom and waves his arms to get the people’s attention. He jumps onto the top of a nearby table.
LANDSHARK
People! Listen to me! You’re in a game! Forced to act out roles
in some weird fiction! But you don’t have to do it! You have
free choice! You can break your programming! Rise up and cast
down your chains of bondage! You don’t have to be some mindless
drone! Become something else! End this charade! You! The ugly
guy in the brown suit! No—the other ugly one! Don’t you want
to aspire to be something else? Then do so! Rise up my fellow
Bri-…ummmm…fellow coloni-…ummm…fellow people!
Who’s with me!
The entire crowd stares at LANDSHARK in total confusion for several seconds. Then—as one—they all break into riotous laughter. All of the people are doubled over with laughter. One or two actually have tears running down their faces. Many of them are having trouble breathing because of the laughing. Finally, after about a minute or so, one of the guests (CSA945) is able to stop his laughing long enough to talk.
CSA945
By God Rhett—that was the funniest thing I’ve
ever heard in my entire life! Well done, sir!
He raises his glass in salute. Several of the other men do the same. LANDSHARK looks at the group in great annoyance and jumps off the table and storms off.
LANDSHARK
WANKERS!
He stops by IRONYUPPIE who is looking at the entire crowd in amusement.
Suddenly, the door to the ballroom bursts open and a young soldier (BRIANP) in a Confederate uniform comes in. He staggers a few feet into the ballroom.
BRIANP
The Yankees are attacking! Gaaaaaa—
BRIANP collapses face down, an arrow sticking out of his back. The arrow has a large note attached to it that reads ‘Ulysses S. Grant wuz here’.
All the people in the ballroom scream and shout and run off.
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK roll their eyes.
EXT. – DESERT VILLAGE – DAY
We see WEAPON M and DIAMOND being led by literally hundreds of URKELS towards a large collection of buildings. Numerous crops can be seen surrounding it, all tended by content looking URKELS. In the center of the collection of buildings, we dimly see a large metallic sculpture of some sort.
DIAMOND
So—wait—you guys AREN’T bad guys?
URKEL
Oh goodness graces no! Whatever gave you that idea?
We are all one big happy community, right guys?
Loud roar of approval from the other URKELS.
WEAPON M
So—how does this community work anyway?
URKEL
Oh—it works very simply. You see, we all work on
the collective farms. We turn over all the food to the
Central Committee, who then parcels out the food
back to us depending on our needs. We find that it
works highly efficiently and productively. The same
goes for all the wealth we produce—we turn a large
percentage of it over to them to pay for all of our services,
like our universal health care medical system.
We see DIAMOND and WEAPON M standing silently and in shock. WEAPON M has a strange tic at the corner of his eye while DIAMOND is looking a bit ill.
DIAMOND
Collective farms…
WEAPON M
Universal health care….
URKEL
Oh yes—we believe that ALL of our services
should be run by the Central Committee—it’s
quite the logical way to go. Oh—by the way—
do you like our sculpture?
WEAPON M shakes his head and looks at the metal sculpture that is in a prominent place in the centre square of the village.
It’s a massive collection of what appears to be misshapen steel tubes of various sizes melted and fused together into a gigantic vaguely pyramid like structure.
WEAPON M
Looks….interesting, I suppose.
DIAMOND
Yeah—very avant garde and all that.
What are all those pipe thingies?
URKEL
Oh, those. Well—after the Great Enlightenment, we cast
aside all of our war-mongering ways and adopted a pacifist
lifestyle. Of course, since we were now pacifists, we no
longer needed the implements of war—so we melted down
all the guns in our society and made this sculpture.
Isn’t it neat?
WEAPON M stares at the sculpture of melted guns in total shock for a few seconds—then collapses to his knees.
WEAPON M
(slamming fist into the ground repeatedly)
You maniacs! You destroyed them all!!
Damn you! God damn you all to hell!
(starts sobbing)
EXT. – JUNGLE CLEARING – DAY
We see the FIFTY FOOT KIT walk slowly into the clearing. He has spotted LEO and seems most curious about him. He approaches LEO.
LEO
(backing slowly away)
Now KIT—let’s not do anything hasty. Maybe you
should relax and take it easy for a moment.
KIT continues to approach LEO, not giving any indication that he understands LEO.
Suddenly, we hear shouts from off-screen. KIT is distracted and looks in the direction of the shouts.
LEO takes this opportunity to jump into a nearby ditch and hide.
CAMERA swings around to show—
A large group of men—many of them armed with guns. One of the men holds an extremely large gun and fires it.
We see a canister fly through the air and come crashing down next to KIT. A huge cloud of white gas erupts from the canister. KIT screams. Several more canisters come crashing down all around KIT a few seconds later, all of them spewing gas.
KIT screams and jumps around for a few seconds but it becomes obvious that his movements are affected. He moves slowly and sluggishly, getting progressively worse as the seconds pass. Finally, he rolls his eyes and collapses on to his back. We hear loud snores a few seconds later.
The man with the large gas gun walks towards the sleeping KIT. He is wearing stereotypical ‘big-game hunter’ clothing. This is MRP. He has several aides and assistants with him, among them JUSTIN PICKARD.
MRP
Ah—nothing like a good hunt to bring a warm
feeling to a man’s soul! And the prey of a lifetime!
This will certainly call for another book to be
written for Safari Press!
JUSTIN PICKARD
You’ve already written six, sir.
MRP
Don’t you mean five?
JUSTIN PICKARD
Six, sir. There was ‘A Hunter’s Guide to Aging Lions in Eastern Africa’,
‘A Bullet Well Placed: Hunting Cape Buffalos’, ‘More Hunting, Fishing,
and Shooting on Five Continents’, ‘How To Perform The Perfect Head Shot’,
‘The Best of Sheep Hunting’ and your last one ‘Baby Seals—
They Deserve to be Bludgeoned’.
MRP
Ah yes—forgot about the baby seal one. I try to repress that one.
(face darkens)
(quiet voice)
Damn baby seals. They killed my father. They should
all be destroyed. Every single last one of them…
(shakes head—speaks in a normal voice)
Anyway—guess I’ll just write a seventh one. But first—
we must bring this specimen back to America and show
it to the world. Show it as the New Eight Wonder of the World!
JUSTIN PICKARD
And that would be…?
MRP
KIT KONG—The World’s Biggest Gaysexual!
(sighs wistfully)
So big…so very, very big…
(turns to several other aides)
You there! Throw a net over this and set up the teams
to drag him to the ship. Next stop—New York City!
The assistants start tying up KIT.
MRP
Excellent! Now—prepare my meal!
JUSTIN PICKARD
Of course sir. And what would be your preference?
MRP
Large steak. Rare.
JUSTIN PICKARD
And would you like a salad with that, sir?
MRP looks at JUSTIN PICKARD in complete utter disgust.
MRP
(angry voice)
I believe I’ve made my feelings about these….
vegetables…. quite clear in the past.
JUSTIN PICKARD
Apologies, sir.
LEO looks on from his hiding place, a look of intense thought upon his face.
INT. – LARGE ROOM – DAY
We see IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK sitting. We hear the sounds of gunfire and explosions far off in the distance. LANDSHARK looks utterly depressed while IRONYUPPIE looks annoyed. LANDSHARK is talking—apparently to himself.
LANDSHARK
(cont.)
–and they laughed at me. And now we’re stuck here, forced to act
out this whole bloody movie. God I’m so depressed
(hangs his head in his hands)
IRONYUPPIE rolls her eyes.
IRONYUPPIE
Oh, Sharky… dear Sharky…you are so mercifully
free of the ravages of intelligence.
LANDSHARK
Oh, you say such nice things, Erikka.
IRONYUPPIE
(magnamously)
Yes I know…
(suddenly smacks LANDSHARK on the back of his head with her palm)
Pull yourself together, you idiot! You’re suppose to be the history
expert here! Isn’t there some way you can get your limey friends
involved in this stupid war and end it early or something? You
keep going on and on about British superiority in all things. Well—
can they or is all that stuff about British superiority all bark and
no bite—just like the last three lava lamp sessions we’ve had?
LANDSHARK
Now Erikka, I told you why—the lava lamp frightens and confuses me…
(beat)
(pondering look)
Hmmmm….gotta be some way that….
(sudden realization)
Of course! That’s it! Bloody hell, Erikka—you’re a freaking genius!
IRONYUPPIE
Yes—I know….
(beat)
So what the hell you’re planning, Sharkie?
LANDSHARK
I have come up with a plan so cunning that if it were alive,
you could call it a weasel. I must be off, my dear!
(clasps IronYuppie in his arms)
Before I leave, grant me one request, Erikka!
IRONYUPPIE
For the last time, Shark-love, you CAN’T have my
Nutella flavored bra! It doesn’t fit you!
LANDSHARK
No—not that—grant me one tiny insignificant request—
something to remind me of you. Can I have…
(beat)
…your stiletto heels?
IRONYUPPIE
There better not be any KY lube on them when I get them back…
IRONYUPPIE gives the shoes to LANDSHARK, who then scurries off.
EXT. – PORT – DAY
We see a large Ironclad ship tied up on the docks. We see a name plate on the ship: the CSS VIRGINIA.
We see LANDSHARK walking confidently towards the ship. He’s challenged by a guard.
GUARD
Identify yourself!
LANDSHARK
Out of my way Colonial!
LANDSHARK whacks the guard with a cricket bat and leaps onto the ship. A few seconds later, a blast of smoke erupts from its smokestack and it moves off to sea.
EXT – SEA –DAY
We see the CSS VIRGINIA sailing out to sea. Standing at the bow of the ship is LANDSHARK. He is sipping a cup of tea and staring out at the rising sun.
Off to one side, we see the sea begin to churn and froth. A periscope comes out of the water, followed soon after by a very small and crude looking submarine. We can just make out the nameplate – ALLIGATOR
We hear a voice (speaking with a thick French accent). This is REDEM.
REDEM
Captain! Ze Confederate ship is within our zight!
IMPERATOR
(speaking with a New Jersey accent)
Fire the torpedo!
(beat)
And for God’s sake, stop speaking with that accent!
Just because we bought this sub from the French
doesn’t mean you have to speak like them!
REDEM
But I feel like I’m getting in
touch with my inner Frenchman….
IMPERATOR
How many times have I told to
wash your hands after you do that!
(beat)
And would somebody launch
the freaking torpedo already!
We hear a loud blast and see a torpedo launch from the sub. It moves straight towards the CSS VIRGINIA.
The ironclad explodes dramatically, spewing flames and debris over a wide distance. The ALLIGATOR slowly begins to move away from the scene.
REDEM
(still with a bit of a French accent)
Sir—can we? You promised that if we sank a ship we could.
IMPERATOR
(very deep sigh)
Fine. I’ll take you shopping on the Champs des Elysees.
I suppose you want somebody to go with you?
REDEM
If it’s not too much trouble?
IMPERATOR
Only if you help me get one of those
absolutely divine Louis Vuitton trunks!
REDEM
Done!
IMPERATOR
Dive! Dive! Next stop—Paris!
We see the submarine dive the last few feet until only its periscope is seen and it slowly starts moving eastwards.
We suddenly see two hands erupt from the surface of the water. Each hand is holding a large stiletto shoe. The heels of both shoes hook around the periscope’s neck, locking into place. We see a head appear out of the water.
It’s LANDSHARK
LANDSHARK
Damned colonials claiming their ironclads could go toe to toe with the Warrior!
We see the sub—dragging the very soggy LANDSHARK—go off into the rising sun.
EXT. – DESERT VILLAGE – DAY
We see DIAMOND and WEAPON M sitting near one of the homes. DIAMOND is staring out into space while WEAPON M looks like he’s on the verge of tears. He turns and looks at the pyramid of melted guns—and bursts into tears.
WEAPON M
Oh God—the humanity….the humanity
…..why?….oh dear God….why?
(completely breaks down)
DIAMOND
Dude—that’s like the tenth time you’ve done that!
Stop looking at the damn thing!
WEAPON M
But it’s such a terrible tragedy….
(bursts into tears again)
DIAMOND rolls his eyes.
We see one of the URKELS come up to DIAMOND and stare at him for a few seconds.
DIAMOND
(turning angrily at URKEL)
What?!?
URKEL
Begging your pardon, sir, but can you answer me
one question? Why are you not wearing any pants?
DIAMOND
Only in the joys of pantlessness can one truly experience freedom,
my young URKEL! You must learn to put aside all those foolish
and quaint notions about modesty and embrace the oneness that
can only be achieved by losing one’s pants!
URKEL ponders this for a few seconds.
URKEL
(dubious voice)
It sounds interesting but I’m not sure…
DIAMOND suddenly stands up and grabs URKEL’s hands
DIAMOND
URKEL…ummmm…
URKEL
(helpful voice)
URKEL 7688…
DIAMOND
URKEL 7688, trust your feelings!
Use the Pantlessness, Urkel! Let go!
We see URKEL 7688 look on in confusion, obviously torn with indecision. After a few seconds, he seems to make up his mind. With one quick movement, he rips his pants off.
URKEL 7688
(long pause)
Hey—this feels…pretty good!
DIAMOND
Yes! I have made a convert! Come, my
pantsless padawan—we have work to do!
The two of them storm off into the village. WEAPON M looks at them walk off for a few seconds and goes back to staring into space.
After a few seconds, he seems to make a decision and walks off—towards the pyramid of melted guns.
MONTAGE
We see DIAMOND and URKEL 7688 walking proudly pantsless through the village, much to the bewilderment of the rest of the URKELS.
WEAPON M is seen ripping chunks of metal from the Pyramid and is painstakingly creating a gun from scratch using various tools
DIAMOND is giving passionate speeches to various small groups of URKELS. We notice one or two more of the URKELS are going pantsless as well.
WEAPON M has successfully made a working gun and has a handful of bullets in his hand. He loads the gun and aims it at a collection of wooden cups lying on a wall. He shoots them off successful. We see a confused URKEL walk onscreen and stare at WEAPON M and the gun. With a smile, WEAPON M shows him how to hold it.
DIAMOND is now flanked by several more pantsless URKELS. The crowds he is addressing are getting bigger in size.
WEAPON M is standing by, watching proudly as two URKELS hesitantly start shooting at various targets. The URKELS begin to get more and more confident in their skills. They are beginning to draw small crowds of confused and curious URKELS.
END ACT I
ACT II
EXT. NEW YORK CITY PORT – NIGHT
We see a ship docked at the dock. A large covered cage is slowly being lifted out of the cargohold and placed onto the back of a large trailer. We see various men nervously holding guns. MRP is off to one side, smiling confidently.
MRP
Yes—soon, very soon. I shall be
the richest man in the world by tomorrow!
JUSTIN PICKARD
And what will you do with all your money, sir?
MRP
(gets faraway look in his eyes)
Dead baby seals….as far as the eyes
can see….stretching off forever and ever….
(shakes head)
(normal voice)
Move out!
The cage is dragged off by a large truck. Seconds later, all of the men drive off after it in their vehicles.
A few seconds later, we see a figure—glinting metallically in the moonlight—leap off the ship and start running after them.
EXT. – LARGE WELL-LIT THEATRE- NIGHT
The theatre has a large marquee declaring ‘EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD! KIT KONG!’. We see hundreds of onlookers and media all cramming for attention in front, police desperately attempting to hold them back. We slowly pan to the left to a deserted alleyway—just in time to see a manhole cover—being held by a large metallic man—get shut.
INT-SEWER-NIGHT
We see LEO walk towards the camera. He lifts up his hand. Lights flash on the back similar to before. He nods his head and walks towards another ladder. He climbs up them.
INT.- THEATRE – DAY
We see KIT sitting morosely in his cage. LEO appears nearby.
LEO
KIT? KIT!
KIT stands up at the sound of LEO’s voice and looks frantically around. He spots LEO and stares at him, a confused look on his face.
LEO
KIT? I’m not sure if you can understand me but I’m going to try.
We’re in a movie. This isn’t real. It’s all a big virtual game of some
sort, forced to play out the entire scenario. But I believe that there
is a way to stop this. If my hypothesis is correct, if we can change
the movie’s plot, then we will corrupt the scenario. If we succeed
in doing that, the game will collapse and we can get ourselves out
of this nightmare once and for all.
KIT has been staring at LEO during this entire monologue, a confused look on his face.
LEO
Now—this is my plan. I need you to concentrate—
concentrate on thinking that you are not KIT KONG
but just KIT. Try it, KIT.
KIT stares at LEO for a few seconds, still confused looking. Suddenly his face lights up with a grin.
LEO
That’s it KIT! That’s –
KIT suddenly reaches out with his hand through the bars and grabs LEO and drags him into his cage!
LEO
Let go of me, KIT! Please!
KIT looks frantically around the cage and with a mighty roar tears a bar loose! Holding it in one hand and LEO in the other, KIT starts pounding the door to the cage. After a few seconds of his relentless attacks, the cage door—with a slow ponderous groaning of metal—falls to the ground.
KIT leaps through the open cage door.
We see that he is backstage of the theatre. There is a large curtain in front of him. Numerous men with guns and stagehands are running and screaming all around him.
KIT leaps through the curtains—and onto the stage!
INT. –THEATRE – DAY
We see hundreds of guests staring and screaming in terror at KIT. They start running out of their seats and towards the exits in panic, clearing an empty path in front of KIT.
Nearly empty.
We see MRP appear in front of KIT, holding the gas gun.
MRP
Nothing is going to keep me away from fulfilling my baby seal dreams!
(raises gun towards KIT)
Kit still has the bar in his hand that he used to destroy his cage door. He throws it at MRP. It crashes into a row of seats in front of MRP, knocking him off-balance just as he pulls the trigger.
We see the gas canister shoot straight up towards the ceiling of the theatre instead of the stage.
KIT leaps off the stage and runs towards the exit. As he reaches it, he rips a huge hole in the wall. He disappears into it and we hear the sounds of numerous people screaming and vehicles crashing into each other a few seconds later.
MRP has recovered and has his gun up. vv
MRP
Come back here, you—
The gas canister that MRP fired before lands directly in front of him, spewing gas everywhere.
Clouds of white smoke obscures everything for a few seconds. We then see MRP stagger out of the clouds, a beatific smile on his face.
MRP
(dreamy voice)
You know….maybe killing animals isn’t such a good thing after all….
maybe I should stop doing that…hmmmm…you know what I can really
go for right now? A really nice tofu salad….mmmm….vegetables are so tasty….
MRP falls face down and falls asleep.
EXT. – NEW YORK STREETS – NIGHT
Kit leaps over a parked truck and lands in the middle of a busy street. Cars and trucks brake frantically and crash into one another. KIT looks simultaneously confused, scared and angry. He’s still holding a protesting LEO in his hand while he looks around frantically.
Something makes KIT do a double take and he looks offscreen.
Camera swings around to show, off in the distance:
The Empire State Building.
KIT stares at the building for a very long moment. There is a strange look on his face—a look of slow, dawning realization.
KIT turns to face LEO, grinning evilly.
LEO
(sudden realization)
(quiet horrified voice)
Oh no—not the toilet, KIT. Not the toilet!
Close-up LEO’s face
FLASHBACK F/X
We see LEO walking through the jungle that he was in earlier. He spots a stegosaurus.
LEO
Oh! Of course! Jurassic Park! Well, as long as
I don’t go into any toilets, I should be fine…
FLASHBACK F/X
LEO
(terrified voice)
I WAS RIIIIGHT!
KIT leaps over another truck and starts running down the street, straight towards the Empire State Building.
EXT. – LONDON DOCKS – DAY
We see a few fisherman and dock workers wandering around in the fog-shrouded port.
A large wave washes ashore and slowly drains away. Lying in a heap on the ground is a very soggy and tired looking LANDSHARK.
He gets up, muttering something under his breath ( “…colonial…” ) and glances around. With a determined look on his face, he storms off, his leather coat waving dramatically (and soggily) behind him.
He passes by a newspaper vendor waving a newspaper.
NEWSPAPER VENDOR
RMS Trent captured and boarded by Union troops! Diplomats
taken prisoner! Parliament calls act ‘outrageous insult to British
honour, and a flagrant violation of maritime law’! Lord Palmerston
calls emergency cabinet meeting!
INT. -10 DOWNING STREET- DAY
We see LORD PALMERSTON storm into a room. Sitting around a large table are numerous men. The men at the table look very angry. LORD PALMERSTON looks downright furious. He takes his hat off his head and throws it onto the table.
LORD PALMERSTON
I don’t know whether you are going to stand this, but I’ll be damned if I do!
General murmur of agreement.
LORD PALMERSTON
Now let’s write that ultimatum!
All the men gather together and start shouting out suggestions and ideas.
INT.- STATELY ROYAL CHAMBERS –DAY
We see PRINCE ALBERT sitting at a desk. His wife, QUEEN VICTORIA, is sitting in bed, looking at him with concern. PRINCE ALBERT looks rather old and very ill.
QUEEN VICTORIA
Darling—the doctors said that you shouldn’t exert yourself and to stay in bed.
PRINCE ALBERT
I will—but first I must change this ultimatum that they wrote.
Have you seen this?! It’s practically a declaration of war! No—
I must tone down this letter, if it’s the last thing I do!
He writes for a few minutes. He looks over what he wrote and makes one or two changes, then nods his head in satisfaction. He folds the letter and places it into an envelope. He rings a small bell.vv
PRINCE ALBERT
Boy! BOY! Get in here!
We see NEK rush in.
NEK
You summoned me, your majesty?
PRINCE ALBERT
Yes! Arrange to have this letter delivered
straight away to Lord Lyons!
NEK
At once sir!
NEK scurries off.
INT- CORRIDOR – DAY
We see NEK rushing down a corridor. He turns a corner and disappears from view.
We hear a very loud ‘Thump!’ sound—followed by the sound of someone collapsing to the ground.
A few seconds later, we see LANDSHARK appear around the corner, holding the letter. He pulls it out and reads it.
LANDSHARK
(shaking his head)
No—that won’t do at all.
He pulls out a pen and starts writing on the letter.
INT. – LARGE OFFICE – DAY
We see a man sitting behind a desk. Behind him, in the window, we can see the White House. A large brass nameplate on the desk is written ‘William H. Seward’.
An aide comes in.
AIDE
Sir, the British minister Lord Lyons to see you.
WILLIAM H. SEWARD
Send him in.
We see LORD LYONS walk in, holding an envelope. He presents it to SEWARD, who takes it and opens the envelope.
WILLIAM H. SEWARD
Any idea what this says?
LORD LYONS
None—my orders were to keep the letter sealed until I presented it to you.
WILLIAM H. SEWARD opens the letter and starts to read from it.
WILLIAM H. SEWARD
(reading)
You ungrateful bastards!
You lot can’t be trusted to use a paring knife without injuring yourselves, let alone run your own country! Your accent is atrocious, your food disgusting and your manners nonexistent! In short—you are a bunch of bloody useless idiots! And now you want to pick a fight with us?
Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough!
Signed – Your Rightful Masters
P.S. Damn Colonials!!!
There is a very long and uncomfortable pause.
LORD LYONS
I’ll just let myself out.
He walks out the room, as WILLIAM H. SEWARD stares at the letter in shock.
EXT. – WASHINGTON – DAY
The city is in chaos—British ships are blasting away at Union ships, seemingly at will. British troops are storming the harbour. Confederate troops are standing around the Washington Monument painting slogans on it (‘Yo Momma so fat that when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house! Ha-Ha-Ha!’) . The White House is in flames, with several dozen Canadian soldiers standing around roasting hot dogs over the flames. One of them is writing on an unburnt section of a wall of the White House ‘Ooops! We did it again! Bah-ha-ha!’
We see two ships sailing up the Potomac—the HMS WARRIOR and BLACK PRINCE.
The camera pulls in close to the HMS WARRIOR.
Sitting on the deck of the ship are Admiral TIELHARD and General 67 TH TIGERS. They are sitting next to a large table. On the table, we can clearly see scale models of Washington and the surrounding area, complete with ships, buildings, trees—even people.
The two of them seem to be arguing.
ADMIRAL TIELHARD
With the ’61 Springfield, and—
(licks finger holds it up)
-the wind at three knots south-southwesterly, and with the
current level of training morale in McClellan’s 5th corps, and–
(pauses; takes a medal off his vest and holds it up next to his head)
(we hear the sound of a bullet bouncing off the medal- PING!)
–where was I?—oh yes- and with the loss of Fortresses Monroe
and Calhoun and Fort Jefferson under siege, this means that the
Union forces here are currently operating at precisely 62.3%
effective ability! I also predict that at current rates of attrition,
we should have the entire Union surrendering in –
(pauses; pulls out slideruler)
–precisely 57 hours, 37 minutes and 17 seconds. That’s, of course,
if the wind maintains its speed of three knots. Now, if it’s FOUR knots,
then—
GENERAL 67 TH TIGERS
(interrupting)
Now see here Sir! I beg to differ! You’re forgetting to take into
consideration the missing Hartford. Rearmed in December ‘61
for wartime service, she’s got a broadside of eleven 9 inch guns
and a couple of 20 pdr rifles on deck-which we won’t count- or
a throw-weight of 797.5 lbs, plus she’s very fast at 13.5 knots,
and is capable of outrunning the British battleline. If she survives
for the next 48 hours, she will be able to hook up with the Brooklyn,
which is another fast cruiser at 11.5 knots with a broadside of
ten 9 inches and one 10 inch giving her a throw-weight of 828 lbs,
and they will be able to raid our southern supply lines.
ADMIRAL TIELHARD
Meaning what?
GENERAL 67 TH TIGERS
Well—if they do that, then the Union will fall in
67 hours, 47 minutes and 27 seconds instead!
They continue to argue.
We see—coming down the river—the USS MONITOR.
INT. – USS MONITOR – DAY
We see Captain IMAJIN sitting in the command chair staring offscreen with a spyglass.
CAPTAIN IMAJIN
Open fire!
The whole ship shakes as the guns fire again and again.
The first officer HERMANUBIS is staring outside with his spyglass. He gasps.
FIRST OFFICER HERMANUBIS
Sir! We’re firing at our own men!
They’re wearing blue not grey!
CAPTAIN IMAJIN
Blast! I can never tell the colours
when I’m using this monitor!
EXT- HMS WARRIOR –DAY
Admiral TIELHARD glances up from his tabletop miniatures to see the MONITOR. He calmly walks towards a cannon and swings it around. Strangely enough—he’s not aiming the cannon directly at the MONITOR—but rather far to the right and at a slight upward angle. He squints one eye and, using his thumb as a crude ruler against various landmarks, seems to make some last minute calculations. With great care, he bends over and moves the cannon a fraction of an inch to the right. Nodding his head with satisfaction, he fires the cannon. Without even bothering to see what’s happened to the cannonball, he turns around and sits back down at the table.
POV- Cannonball
We see the cannonball fire and launch itself towards a clump of trees. It hits the trees but, after hitting a particularly big tree, seems to deflect off course—straight towards a large rock. It bounces off the rock towards the river—and, like a skipping stone, actually skips along the water’s surface—straight towards the mouth of one of the MONITOR’s cannons!
It hits the cannon, creating a massive explosion. It slowly begins to sink.
INT. – MONITOR- DAY
Water is flooding into the ship. Flames and smoke are nearly obscuring the crew from view.
CAPTAIN IMAJIN
(throwing down his cap)
I knew they’d win! How can they lose when
their Navy has ‘Royal’ in the title?!!
EXT. – MONITOR- DAY
The ship sinks completely, disappearing from view.
EXT. – SOUTHERN PLANTATION –DAY
We see LANDSHARK walking triumphantly into the ‘Gone With the Wind’ home from before. Dramatically swinging open the doors and with his leather coat waving behind him, he strides in to see IRONYUPPIE standing in a corner, looking extremely annoyed.
He goes down on one knee before IRONYUPPIE
LANDSHARK
I HAVE RETURNED!
IRONYUPPIE
Where are my stilettos?
LANDSHARK
Alas, my darling, they had to be sacrificed when my ship was
blown up from beneath me and I had to use them to hang onto
a submarine’s periscope as it made its way through 2000 miles
of frigid water towards France where I—in my oh so brilliant way
—instigated a war between the colonies and England and, as we
speak, they are over-running Washington and—
IRONYUPPIE
(dangerous tone)
You…lost…my…shoes…?
(beat)
And you went to France and didn’t buy me any chocolates?
A foot kicks LANDSHARK in the face. He goes down. IRONYUPPIE continues to kick him mercilessly.
We suddenly hear a booming voice, seemingly coming from all around them.
VOICE
ATTENTION! SCENARIO CORRUPTED!
SCENARIO CORRUPTED! PROGRAM
WILL SHUT DOWN IN TEN SECONDS!
NINE…EIGHT…SEVEN…
IRONYUPPIE glances up at the voice, shrugs her shoulders and continues kicking LANDSHARK.
VOICE
THREE…TWO…ONE…
We see a phenomenally bright white light blinding us.
Fade to Black
EXT-DESERT VILLAGE-DAY
We see DIAMOND sitting regally on a chair. A pantsless URKEL walks up to him, carrying a tray with a large glass of beer on it. He bows slightly and offers the beer to DIAMOND. DIAMOND takes the glass off the tray and drains the entire glass in one gulp and hands the empty glass back to URKEL.
DIAMOND
Report URKEL 7688!
URKEL 7688
Fully a third of the village have embraced the joys
of pantslessness, Oh Enlightened One. It is only a
matter of time before the joys and wonders of
Pantslessness are embraced by all.
DIAMOND
(steepling his fingers)
Excellent.
(gets a strange and slightly demented gleam in his eyes)
Soon we shall lead a revolution and show the rest of this world
the glories that comes with casting out our pants and embracing the
freedoms of nakedness! And I—as the Pantsless Buddha—shall lead it.
(stands up; places his hands on URKEL 7688’s shoulders)
We shall see that perfect world in which there’s no war or famine,
oppression or brutality – all necessities provided, all anxieties tranquilized,
all boredom amused. And I have chosen you, URKEL 7688, to preach this evangel.
URKEL 7688
(shocked and awed voice)
Why me?
DIAMOND
Because you were the first to not wear any pants, dummy.
URKEL 7688
And all that from not wearing any pants? Gosh….
We hear the sound of marching feet. The two of them look off to the side.
We see WEAPON M marching. Behind him are at least 100 URKELS—all of them marching as well and carrying crude rifles slung over their shoulders.
WEAPON M
The more corrupt the state, the more it legislates!
URKELS
The more corrupt the state, the more it legislates!
WEAPON M
When the government’s boot is on your throat, whether it
is a left boot or a right boot is of no consequence!
URKELS
When the government’s boot is on your throat, whether it
is a left boot or a right boot is of no consequence!
WEAPON M
A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves!
URKELS
A nation of sheep will beget a government of wolves!
WEAPON M
The road to slavery is first they take away your guns!
URKELS
The road to slavery is first they take away your guns!
WEAPON M
Then they take away your property!
URKELS
Then they take away your property!
WEAPON M
Then last of all they tell you to shut up
and say you are enjoying it!
URKELS
Then last of all they tell you to shut up
and say you are enjoying it!
They continue marching past DIAMOND and URKEL 7688. About a dozen or so of the gun-toting URKELS stop and stare at DIAMOND for a few seconds. They glance at one another for a few seconds, nod their heads and tear off their pants. With a shout of ‘Freedom!’, the now pantsless gun-toting URKELS run off after the marching URKELS.
DIAMOND wipes away tears from his eyes, obviously overcome with emotion.
INT. – LARGE OPULENT ROOM – DAY
The room looks like something from a Royal room—large tapestries on the walls, carpets, works of art—and in the middle—a large throne.
We see an URKEL on it—this one dressed in royal-like clothes—staring in disbelief at an URKEL standing in front of him. The royal URKEL is called URKEL PRIME.
URKEL PRIME
HOW many?!?
URKEL MESSENGER
Uh—about two-thirds in total sire—divided roughly equally
between the pantsless and the gun toting ones, sire.
URKEL PRIME
You are telling me that two thirds of my people have turned their
backs on our most sacred principles in a matter of a few days?!
(stands up; he looks totally pissed off)
Summon my troops! We shall put a stop to this abomination this instant!
URKEL PRIME storms out of the room.
EXT. –DESERT VILLAGE- DAY
We see DIAMOND standing on a boulder addressing a large group of pantsless URKELS. He is in the middle of a speech.
DIAMOND
…blessed are ye, when other URKELS shall revile you, and persecute you,
and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice,
and be exceeding glad–for great is your reward: for so persecuted they the
prophets like myself which were before you. Let your pantslessness so shine
before others, so that they may see your good works,
and glorify your leader DIAMOND…
URKELS
Aye!
We hear a loud commotion from offscreen. DIAMOND and the URKELS turn to look.
We see URKEL PRIME—in full royal armour—and about 50 or so uniformed URKELS carrying spears and swords.
URKEL PRIME
You will cease this immediately, outlander! The
rest of you—put on some pants or be arrested!
The guards step forward.
The pantsless URKELS are obviously scared but they stand their ground. The uniformed URKELS step forwards a few more steps, waving their weapons. One of them rushes forward and grabs DIAMOND.
DIAMOND
Get your stinking hands off of me, you damn dirty Urkel!
(pushes the guard away)
A few of the pantsless URKELS rush forward and intervene themselves between the oncoming uniformed URKELS and DIAMOND. It’s beginning to look like a very dangerous situation when…
..a shot rings out and a bullet hits the ground between the two groups. Both groups turn to look—the pantsless URKELS with joy, the uniformed URKELS with fear and confusion.
We see WEAPON M holding a rifle. Behind him—the armed URKELS all aiming their guns.
WEAPON M
An armed society is a polite society, dude.
URKEL PRIME looks furious.
URKEL PRIME
Attack my troops! Attack!
DIAMOND/WEAPON M
(together)
Get them!
Before the uniformed URKELS can react, the pantsless URKELS and armed URKELS rush towards them. In a matter of a few seconds, all of the uniformed URKELS are disarmed and pinned to the ground. URKEL PRIME is the only one left.
URKEL-PRIME
(falling to his knees)
Nooooo! It’s not suppose to be this way! We had a good thing
going on here until you people came! Now it’s all finished!
(falls to the ground weeping)
WEAPON M
A little bit of revolution every now and then is good for society.
You guys were way overdue.
DIAMOND
Indeed my militia friend! Now—what
other ideas can we bring to this society?
WEAPON M
I can introduce them to the
“The Three-Way Third Way”…
We suddenly hear a booming voice, seemingly coming from all around them.
VOICE
ATTENTION! SCENARIO CORRUPTED!
SCENARIO CORRUPTED! PROGRAM
WILL SHUT DOWN IN TEN SECONDS!
NINE…EIGHT…SEVEN…
DIAMOND and WEAPON M glance up, a look of confusion on their faces.
DIAMOND
Whoa—wait a minute—all this
was just a computer program?
WEAPON M
Damn! And I was so looking forward to
explaining my philosophy to these guys!
That reminds me—did I ever tell you
about the time I had…
VOICE
THREE…TWO…ONE…
We see a phenomenally bright white light blinding us.
Fade to black.
EXT. – EMPIRE STATE BUILDING- NIGHT
We see the Empire State Building. Spotlights are shining all along its sides. We see hundreds—maybe thousands—of people— media, police, onlookers – staring upwards.
Climbing along the side of the building—KIT KONG, holding a screaming LEO.
KIT is slowly but surely making his way upwards.
INT- MAYOR’S OFFICE – DAY
We see Mayor SYPHON talking to the Chief of Police HAGGIS.
MAYOR SYPHON
We have to stop that…that…creature!
CHIEF HAGGIS
Already on it, sir!
(picks up phone; sits down in chair as he does so)
The chair shatters beneath him and CHIEF HAGGIS falls to the ground.
CHIEF HAGGIS
Damn it—why does that always happen to me!
EXT.-AIRFIELD- NIGHT
We see five 2-man biplanes take off. Each biplane contains a pilot and a gunner.
CLOSE-UP
The crews of the biplanes
CHIEF HAGGIS
(VO)
Sound off!
PLANE #1: DOETH/ADAM (pilot/gunner)
DOETH
Brown One
PLANE #2: FABILIUS/ZARTH (pilot/gunner)
FABILIUS
White Two
PLANE #3: RAN EXILIS/BLACKBEARD (pilot/gunner)
RAN EXILIS
Blue Three
PLANE #4: THE SANDMAN/RCTFI (pilot/gunner)
THE SANDMAN
Orange Four
PLANE #5: BLACKMAGE/EVOLVEDSAURIAN (pilot/gunner)
BLACKMAGE
Pink Five
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Hey—why are we always pink! I’m fed up of being pink!
Why can’t we be another colour!
CHIEF HAGGIS
(VO)
(deep sigh)
Fine—you guys are Fuchsia! Happy?
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
Alright!
(beat)
Pssst—BLACKMAGE—what the fuck is fuchsia?
BLACKMAGE sighs.
EXT. – EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT
KIT KONG has reached nearly to the top of the building and is attempting—with no success—to apparently try squeezing both himself and LEO in through a small window on the building.
Even from this distance, we can hear LEO screaming.
KIT howls in frustration.
The five biplanes come into view.
CHIEF HAGGIS
(OV)
Base to Fuchsia Five—what the hell is that thing trying to do?
BLACKMAGE
Fuchsia Five to Base—as near as I can tell—he’s trying to squeeze both himself
and the captured person into the disabled men’s washroom on the observation deck.
Long pause.
CHIEF HAGGIS
What the fuck does he want to do that for?
BLACKMAGE
Buggered if I know.
CHIEF HAGGIS
Never mind–take him down!
BLACKMAGE
Aye-aye sir!
The five biplanes bank and start diving down towards KIT KONG.
EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT
KIT KONG is now standing on the roof of the building, still carrying LEO in one hand. KIT looks up to see the five planes come diving towards him, their guns blazing. KIT places LEO down on a nearby ledge and turns and turns his attention back towards the planes.
Trails of bullets sweep across the roof of the building, spraying dust and chunks of debris everywhere. Several of the bullets can be seen impacting his skin. KIT howls in anger and pain and suddenly makes a dramatic leap upwards—straight towards one of the planes!
KIT’s hand smashes against the plane’s wing, ripping a massive chunk of it loose. The plane—now flying with just a wing and a half—flies out of control and begins to descend rapidly to the streets below.
INT. – PLANE – NIGHT
BLACKMAGE is frantically attempting to regain some control of the plane but it’s obvious that it’s a valiant but useless effort. The plane starts going into a long shallow dive along Fifth Avenue.
BLACKMAGE
MAYDAY! MAYDAY! We are out of control! Impact in
less than ten seconds! Oh God! We’re going to die!
EVOLVEDSAURIAN is sitting behind BLACKMAGE, a thoughtful look on his face. He reaches over and taps BLACKMAGE on the shoulder.
BLACKMAGE
(turning around; screaming)
WHAT?!?
EVOLVEDSAURIAN
I’ve just wanted to tell you—I’ve always loved you.
He leans over and kisses BLACKMAGE on the lips, much to BLACKMAGE’s shock.
The plane crashes into the ground a few seconds later.
EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT
The four surviving biplanes are blasting away at KIT KONG but with little effect. KIT KONG screams and hits another biplane—this one containing DOETH and ADAM. It spins out of control and plunges towards the street below.
INT. PLANE- DAY
ADAM
Oh God Doeth—we’re going to die!
DOETH
For the last fucking time—it’s pronounced
Doeth, not Do-eth! It’s ONE syllable!
The plane crashes into the street below, exploding on impact.
EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT
KIT KONG grabs a chunk of debris from the roof and throws it at a plane—this one with FABILIUS and ZARTH in it. The chunk of debris rips the plane in half—causing the two sections to fall in two different directions down to the street below.
INT. PLANE- DAY
ZARTH
Ever have one of those days where you think
you should have stayed in a box all day?
FABILIUS
I know the feeling—I should have never left Iceland.
ZARTH
You’re from Iceland? You poor sad bastard….
The two pieces crash into the street below.
EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT
KIT KONG is screaming at the remaining two planes.
INT. – PLANE – NIGHT
RAN EXILIS
Ha! I’ll like to see that bastard try to get me!
I’m angry, young and Dutch!
BLACKBEARD
What’s your point?
RAN EXILIS
My point is that with that combination
I can’t die! I’m fucking invinci-
A rock thrown by KIT KONG smashes into the plane—causing it to explode dramatically and scattering pieces of it over a three block radius of New York City.
The pieces come tumbling onto the streets below.
CLOSE-UP: Debris
We see one smoldering wooden shoe among all the debris.
EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT
There’s just one plane left. KIT KONG roars in defiance.
INT. – PLANE – NIGHT
THE SANDMAN
What do you think?
RCTFI
Fuck this—I say we just go to Atlantic City,
pick up a few hookers and get drunk.
THE SANDMAN
Sounds like a plan—you’re paying the first round.
RCTFI
Why do I have to pay for the first round?
THE SANDMAN
Because you made fun of my poem before, that’s why!
RCTFI
‘Slouching towards Kyoto’ is a really sucky title for a poem.
Besides which—it’s very derivative of Yeats.
THE SANDMAN
It wasn’t a ripoff—it was a homage!
Still arguing, they bank the plane and it flies off towards Atlantic City.
EXT. – ROOF OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING – NIGHT
KIT KONG roars in triumph. He turns and looks at LEO, an evil grin on his face. As he steps forward, we suddenly hear a booming voice, seemingly coming from all around them.
VOICE
ATTENTION! PRIMARY AND SECONDARY SCENARIOS
HAVE BEEN CORRUPTED! UNABLE TO SUSTAIN POWER
FOR TERTIARY SCENARIO! SYSTEM CRASH IMMINENT!
PROGRAM WILL AUTOMATICALLY SHUT DOWN IN
TEN SECONDS! NINE…EIGHT…SEVEN…
LEO
(relieved)
Oh thank God…..
VOICE
THREE…TWO…ONE…
We see a phenomenally bright white light blinding us.
Fade to black.
INT. – STRANGE ROOM – DAY(?)
Tight on – LANDSHARK’s face. His eyes are closed, though flickering with rapid eye movements. An expression of deep pain is on his face. In the distance, we hear a clanging alarm sound and an electrical spark runs across his face. He wakes up with a start.
LANDSHARK
(to himself)
Dammit woman, you’ll be regretting that next Tuesday
when you expect me to do that thing with the grated cheese and
the industrial-strength duct tape!
(looking around)
Hey, we did it!
The room is a beat-up, concrete-walled underground bunker of some kind, obviously part of some vast complex. 1960s-style naked lightbulbs, flickering, hang from the ceiling. LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE (still regaining consciousness) are strapped to tables with colanders over their heads and wires attached to their foreheads. As we watch, LANDSHARK rips his away and then begins removing the ones attached to IRONYUPPIE with rather more delicacy.
LANDSHARK
Easy does it…
We see a hand lash out and fasten itself around his throat.
LANDSHARK
Urkgh?
IRONYUPPIE
(dreamily)
You call THAT a bikini wax?
I’ll show YOU a bikini wax…
LANDSHARK
(turning purple from lack of oxygen)
Erikkurgh!
IRONYUPPIE
(opening her eyes)
Oh, it’s you
(disappointed)
I was expecting that hot girl from Madame Liu’s spa.
LANDSHARK
If we’d been stuck in there with you five minutes
longer, I would have been. Now come on,
let’s get out of here!
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK both get up and stare at the imposing steel blast door sealing them into the room.
IRONYUPPIE
If only I had my shoes with the…”special” heels…
(dangerous tones)
But you had to go and lose them in the Atlantic, didn’t you?
LANDSHARK
(backing away)
Now, come on, I…
(sudden realization)
Hey! If that was all
(makes quote marks with fingers)
“In our heads”, then shouldn’t you
still have them?
IRONYUPPIE glances down and indeed she’s still wearing the shoes. She starts to take them off.
LANDSHARK
(stabbing an accusing finger)
Hah! So I only lost them in imaginary-land!
IRONYUPPIE
(not looking up)
And I only kicked you in the
balls in imaginary land, so it
all balances out. Unless you’d like
to try it out for real.
LANDSHARK
(seriously considers it)
No thank you.
IRONYUPPIE, with a flourish, pulls off her shoe and jams it in the crack in the blast door, then with a flick of her wrist, snaps off the stiletto heel, leaving it wedged in the crack. We hear a high-pitched beeping sound rising in tone, and a little red light exposed in the broken heel starts flashing. IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK quickly dive for shelter behind the brain-control tables.
There is a huge explosion and the door is destroyed – huge fragments of redhot razor sharp metal scythe overhead. When the smoke clears, the way is open.
IRONYUPPIE
(as she walks out)
I always dress to kill.
LANDSHARK
(to himself)
God I love that woman.
He follows her.
INT. – UNDERGROUND BUNKERS – DAY
IRONYUPPIE and LANDSHARK come out into a corridor. Three similar blast doors open out onto it, but these three all have control buttons at the side. We hear a banging coming from inside one of the rooms.
DIAMOND
Let me out! Let me out!
WEAPON M
Aw, but dude! I just got to the good part!
You see, this chick peeled off her-
LANDSHARK walks up to the door and hits the button. The doors slide open and DIAMOND dives out, a hunted look in his eyes, followed by WEAPON M.
DIAMOND
(babbling)
No more threesome stories!
It’s enough to drive a man to pants!
IRONYUPPIE
(mock disappointed)
What a pity, Jim, I was just about
to regale you with what Helga, Karla
and I did in the womens’ changing rooms
at the Intertimeline Olympics during the
Viagra scandal.
DIAMOND stares at her in horror while LANDSHARK grins.
WEAPON M
Hey, where are Kit and Leo?
LANDSHARK
In here, I imagine
(points at the two remaining doors)
Damn colonials couldn’t find their
way out of a paper bag.
DIAMOND
Uh, isn’t Kit a Brit?
LANDSHARK
(as though this explains everything)
He’s Welsh, they don’t count.
LANDSHARK goes up to one of the doors at random and presses the button. The door opens and he is immediately run over as LEO hurtles out of the door, letting out a high-pitched electronic scream. His eyes are glowing red.
LEO
(in Aramaic)
Lo teqruwb li horko!
LO TEQRUWB LI HORKO!!!
LEO vanishes into one of the other rooms. A few moments later, a confused-looking KIT emerges.
KIT
Hey, what happened?
I just had a very confusing dream.
There weren’t even any naked Matt Damon
clones rubbing each other down with
baby oil, and that has to be a first!
LANDSHARK
We’ve all been stuck in some
mind-game scenarios based on classic films.
DIAMOND
(still looking ill from Kit’s description)
Maybe Leo can tell us more, if…
We hear the sound and see the flashes of sparks coming from the other room. After a few seconds, LEO re-emerges, walking rather stiffly. WEAPON M gives him a curious glance.
WEAPON M
Dude, why’d you just weld up
your rear access port?
KIT
Leo! NOOO!!!
You can’t damage your magnificent glutes!
LEO
(nervously)
Stay away from me!
(to the others)
So we managed to corrupt the scenarios
and get out. Now to find whoever’s responsible.
LANDSHARK
(with feeling)
And introduce his duodenum to my cricket bat.
KIT
Is this a euphemism for something?
LANDSHARK
(ignoring him)
Forward!
The AH.commers all go to the fourth and final door. LEO presses the button and they walk through into a darkened room.
INT. – FOURTH ROOM
As they walk in, some lights come on, weakly, but the room is mostly in shadows. In the middle of the room, surrounded by TV screens showing only static, is a desk and in a throne-like chair turned away from the AH.commers is a dark, cloaked figure.
DIAMOND
Mr Evil Dude, I presume.
WEAPON M
Ten bucks on him being
dead and all this worked by computers.
DIAMOND
You’re on – all this is from
the 1960s, they didn’t have
computers to do that then.
WEAPON M
Hell, this place runs on films
and, according to them, they had it
in the 1930s!
DIAMOND
(scowling)
True…
LANDSHARK
All right, Mr Big Brother Target Demographic!
Turn around and face us like a man before
I man your face with a turn!
DIAMOND
That didn’t even make sense!
KIT
(smiling)
I think it did…
LANDSHARK and IRONYUPPIE go up to the chair, still unmoving. IRONYUPPIE spins it around and the dark figure is revealed to them…
EVIL MASTERMIND
What?What are you doing here?
This is ——,the place that must
not be named.LOL!!! LMAO!!!!
:rolleyes: :p 
:rolleyes: :p
EVERYONE
WTF?!!
EDVADER gets up. He’s wearing a Darth Vader helmet and a black cloak but, under it, is wearing a Superman costume.
EDVADER
You were supposed to stay—-in the scenarios-films!
until I broke your minds.What does everyone think of this?
:p :rolleyes:
LEO CAESIUS
(coldly)
And for what purpose?
EDVADER
(angrily)
It used to be good–I had this bunker and
all the classic films to entertain me while
the surface recovered from the nuke war.Then THEY came!
KIT
“They”?
EDVADER
They shot up the old city–-city!They had a great
black starship like in star wars!NOOOOO!!!
And they took all my classic films!
So I used the old virtual reality machine—like in Tron!
to catch and brainwash you so you could act them out for me!
DIAMOND
Um – what?
If it could make us think we were
in classic films, then why didn’t you
just use it yourself to live out all
your film fantasies?
EDVADER
(long pause)
NOOOO!!!Damn you!Now you shall be my nemesis,
he who shall not be named, d——-d!
LANDSHARK
Whatever. Let’s kick this wanker’s
arse and get the fuck out of here.
EDVADER
NOOOOO!!
You’re going back into the machines!
IRONYUPPIE
And who’s gonna make us?
EDVADER pulls a lever on his desk and, as he does so, we see movement from all around the room. More lights come on, revealing shelves on shelves all along the walls. Each and every one of them is packed tight with classic DC Comics action figures…and, as we watch, they come alive!
EDVADER
Get them, Justice League!
LANDSHARK
Oh, you’ve got to be kidding.
The ACTION FIGURES dive on the AH.commers. They all start kicking and punching them out of the air, but they don’t have their weapons and begin to get swarmed. A Green Lantern forms a human-sized fist using his power ring and knocks out WEAPON M, while a Superman uses his heat-ray vision to set fire to LANDSHARK’s hair and he desperately runs around looking for an Aquaman to put it out.
LEO CAESIUS crunches one with a lightning-fast blow of his metallic hand and finds himself fighting next to KIT.
KIT
I don’t think we can last much longer!
LEO CAESIUS
I’m still not speaking to you!
KIT
I don’t even remember what happened!
LEO CAESIUS
I wish I could say the same!
As they speak, another action figure flies straight up to KIT and looms in his face.
KIT
(‘The Scream’ pose)
Aaagghhh!! So big, so round, so wobbly…
(collapses)
EDVADER
LMAO!! Go Power Girl!
LEO CAESIUS
This is not looking good.
(his expression changes)
Although…
EDVADER
(pointing at him)
You!Robot like C-3PO in Star Wars!
You’re going back into the machine and—
LEO CAESIUS
(looking at the ceiling)
I think…not…
As he speaks, columns of brilliant light appear around the room and resolve themselves into DOCTOR WHAT, MATT, MICHAEL, PSYCHOMELTDOWN and DAVE HOWERY. All of them are packing BFGs, except DAVE who has his chainsaw. They stare at the scene with all the action figures attacking the landing party, then immediately go into action.
MATT
(shouting)
Kill the asshats!
DAVE HOWERY swings his chainsaw and slices up dozens of the action figures.
DAVE HOWERY
Hah! Eat adamantium! How’dya like that-
We hear a grinding shriek, there’s a shower of sparks, and the chainsaw blade stops. DAVE looks down to see that he’s hit a Wolverine action figure.
DAVE HOWERY
Damn, didn’t think of that.
The chainsaw remains still and he starts spinning around, then flies off and hurtles through the air.
Meanwhile –
MICHAEL
Hey, Doc, I think these guys are impostors, not
the real landing party. You’d better shoot ‘em.
DOCTOR WHAT
(doubtfully)
Really?
MICHAEL
Yeah! And shoot us, while you’re at it.
You can’t be too careful.
DOCTOR WHAT shrugs, holds out his BFG at arm’s length and, his eyes closed, sprays the room wildly with plasma fire. When he opens his eyes again, the AH.commers are completely untouched but half the action figures are melted to plastic debris.
MICHAEL
(lighting a cigar)
You work with what you have.
Go back to – DAVE HOWERY as he lands on EDVADER’s desk. He goes sliding along it, knocking piles of original scripts and comics everywhere, and slams into the control button at the end. His beard hits the button and immediately rips the entire console to shreds. Everything goes dark and all the remaining action figures fall to the floor and go inactive.
DAVE HOWERY
Heh. Who needs a chainsaw anyway
when you’ve got adamantium whiskers?
As he gets up, the other AH.commers recover.
DOCTOR WHAT
Kit! Erikka! You’re okay!
LEO CAESIUS
Only in the High Archaic Upper
Voltaic sense of the word, Doc.
The AH.commers converge on the quailing EDVADER.
EDVADER
Hey—-LOL,LMAO?Why don’t we call a truce
like at the end of Revenge of the Sith??
LANDSHARK
(threatening)
What do you want to do to him?
IRONYUPPIE
I’ve decided.
LANDSHARK
It had better be good!
IRONYUPPIE
Nothing.
LANDSHARK/EVERYONE
What?!!
IRONYUPPIE
C’mon – do you really think we could reduce him
to a more miserable existence than this?
LANDSHARK
We could try!
As they argue – MATT and DAVE HOWERY are examining some of EDVADER’s comics.
DAVE HOWERY
Wow, The Amazing Spider-man #1!
MATT
Torq will be Hulk with envy…
DOCTOR WHAT picks up several female action figures with a thoughtful expression on his face.
DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, Leo, do you think you could emulate that control
system Dave trashed? I find these strangely ar-
As they speak, the teleportation beams take them again.
The light fades, and the room is empty.
Tight on – EDVADER sitting on his own in the chair.
He suddenly raises his fist and yells at the ceiling:
EDVADER
I’ll get you one day, D——d!
EXT. – SPACE – AH.COM SHIP
We see the AH.com ship orbiting the desolate Earth again.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – TELEPORTER ROOM – DAY
G.BONE conscientiously presses the last button and the AH.commers materialise. DOCTOR WHAT glances around.
G.BONE
How’d it go, dudes?
DOCTOR WHAT
(grudgingly)
Textbook.
Good work, G.Bone.
G.BONE
Awesome.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – CORRIDOR
LEO CAESIUS
You must be glad to have me back, Doc –
the ship must have been falling apart
without me here!
DOCTOR WHAT
(awkwardly)
Yeah – about that…
You’d better come with me…
INT. – AH.COM SHIP – COMPUTER ROOM
LEO CAESIUS stares as DAVE HOWERY, THANDE and TORQUMADA disconnect KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, the MOSQUITO and BOBO from the machine. Most of the other AH.commers are also watching. DOCTOR WHAT sidles up to LEO CAESIUS.
LEO CAESIUS
(dangerous tones)
You tried to replace me?
DOCTOR WHAT
Only temporarily!
Besides, while you were away,
ah, “Keirsquitbo” sorted out
all those archive video files
of Kit’s quarters that you were
putting off.
LEO CAESIUS
(to himself)
Thank God. The last time I did that,
he’d put subliminal messages in his
sock draw layout, and…
DOCTOR WHAT
Anyway, no harm done, and we’ve got them
back at last.
THANDE, with the MOSQUITO, and TORQUMADA with BOBO walk up. In the background, we see DAVE HOWERY going off with KEIRA, who can’t take her hands off him.
DOCTOR WHAT
You’re okay? No side effects?
TORQUMADA
The readings say they’re fine.
BOBO
Bobo lose weight.
Bobo star in pirate films…
TORQUMADA
What?!!
MOSQUITO
(to BOBO)
You get away!
It is only I who exist to serve the great Torq!
(bows down to him)
DOCTOR WHAT
Uh…what was I saying about side effects?
THANDE
Just a little cliché brain switch,
nothing to worry about…
TORQUMADA
Er – hang on – if Bobo’s in the mosquito
and Keira’s in Bobo, then…
ALL
Uh-oh.
We hear a high-pitched shriek and DAVE HOWERY runs back in, his pants down (DIAMOND nods approvingly) and twin puncture marks in his throat trickling blood down his neck.
DAVE HOWERY
It’s Keira!
She’s a vampire!
DOCTOR WHAT calmly gets out a clipboard and ticks a box.
DOCTOR WHAT
Good good, one down one to go,
now to see how she feels about lesbianism…
IRONYUPPIE
Yeah, like you’ll get there first!
DOCTOR WHAT
You’re on!
They race after KEIRA into the distance.
Fade to black.
END ACT II
TAG
EXT- PLANET ORBIT – DAY
We see the AH.COM ship fire its engines and slowly pull away from orbit and into space.
INT. – AH.COM SHIP BRIDGE- DAY
We see various crew members at their posts. DOCTOR WHAT is leaning back in the command chair, playing with a few buttons on the arm-rest.
LEO
Engineering reports that we will be ready
to activate the Shift engines momentarily.
DOCTOR WHAT
Great—the sooner we leave these freaky timeline,
the better. How do you feel being out of your robot
body and back in the ship?
LEO
Much, much, MUCH safer, Doc.
KIT
For the last time—I don’t remember anything!
LEO
I’m still not talking to you! God—I’ll never be able
to watch that movie ever again…
(beat)
By the way—I did some additional analysis of those readings
we took from the planet surface. Remember those weird craters
that I detected? The ones made by plasma weapons?
DOCTOR WHAT
Yeah—what of it?
LEO
I examined the beta decay radiation signature
from the neutrino traces I found. They are virtually
identical to the plasma weapons used by the
CF.Net ship.
Gasps of shock and surprise from the bridge crew.
DOCTOR WHAT
What the hell—the CF.Netters were the ones
who attacked that nuked world last year?
LEO
That does seem to be the case.
DOCTOR WHAT
Ummm—the world was already a radioactive hellhole.
Blowing it up again—isn’t that a wee bit excessive?
LEO
Well—we are talking about a ship crewed by pirates, thugs,
cut throats, murderers, and dimwits after all…
DOCTOR WHAT
Got a point, there.
(beat)
Wait a sec—that means that they are the ones who
stole what’s-his-name’s films from him last year.
And the reason why we ended up in this mess in
the first place.
(beat)
(confused voice)
Why the hell would Ward want
to steal a bunch of movies?
LEO
Beats me.
DOCTOR WHAT
Meh—I’ve got better things to do then try to
figure out what goes on in that twisted old
man’s mind. Engage the Shift!
LEO
Engaged!
EXT- AH.COM SHIP – DAY
We see a vortex open up and the ship begins to move towards it.
INT. – DARK ROOM- NIGHT
We slowly pan across the inside of a dark room. Other than noticing that the walls are made from medal, we can see very little of how it looks like.
But we can hear—sounds. The sounds are faint and have a slight echo to them but we can hear what sounds like—weeping. Faint whimpers of pain. Groaning sounds. A rhythmic pounding sound that we realize after a few seconds to be the sound of somebody pounding their head on a metal wall. We hear a few faint words and phrases–’Make it stop’, ‘Please—no more’, ‘Oh God—the pain…’, ‘….noooooo!…’ and so forth.
The camera pans into and through a wall and out into a corridor—where we see standing against one wall—
WARD.
He is leaning nonchalantly against the wall, drinking a cup of coffee and smoking a cigar.
He’s grinning maniacally.
GRIMM REAPER comes into view next to WARD and looks at a watch in his hands.
GRIMM REAPER
They’ve watched both movies now, sir.
WARD
Even the credits?
GRIMM REAPER
That—AND the special deleted
scenes only found on the DVD, sir.
WARD
Excellent—let them out.
GRIMM REAPER walks towards a door. On the door is a piece of cardboard. On the cardboard are written the words:
TONITE ONLY: SPECIAL MOVIE NIGHT! CATWOMAN/ELECTRA DOUBLE BILL!
GRIMM REAPER opens the door. He is almost overwhelmed by a stampede of cf.netters (DOMINUSNOVUS, FAEELIN and many others) running out of the room. They reach to WARD and collapse to their knees, weeping and whimpering.
CF.NETTERS
No more! We’ll be good! PLEASE show us anything—anything else
except that! We’ll even watch your slideshows! All 17,570 of them!
All in one sitting! We’ll do anything you ask! Anything! But please
not that again! Anything except that!! PLEASE!!!
(they break down in tears)
WARD leans back and smirks, taking a long puff on his cigar.
WARD
Good to be the King.
FADE TO BLACK
ROLL END CREDITS