TEASER

INT- AH.COM SHIP- VISITOR’S LOUNGE- DAY

The camera opens up on the ship’s small but plush visitors’ lounge, a room with soft carpets, easy chairs, and soft music. DOCTOR WHAT is seen standing nervously, in his full formal uniform, tugging at his collar. LANDSHARK, FLOOCULENCIO, MICHAEL, and DMA, also in full uniform are standing in a line next to him.

LANDSHARK
So, who’s this woman again?

DOCTOR WHAT
The local Coordinator of the Office of Minor Temporal Travelers Affairs.
She’s here to make sure that LUAKEL is being raised properly.

FLOCCULENCIO
Bugger. We’re screwed for sure.

MICHAEL
Now that’s the spirit.

DOCTOR WHAT
Now, don’t say that. We’ve been cleaning the ship all week,
I’ve had everyone brushing up on their manners, we’ve coached
LUAKEL to sound nice and moral, and KIT is locked up in the
storage room for the duration of her visit. We can pull this off.
Act nice, here she comes.

A woman in a severely plain business suit walks into the lounge. She is middle aged and plain, with graying hair pulled back into a tight bun. A disapproving scowl is on her face. DOCTOR WHAT steps forward and offers his hand.

DOCTOR WHAT
MISS SACKICKER, welcome to the AH.COM.

MISS SACKICKER looks at his hand as if it was a dirty wet paw. After an embarrassing silence, DOCTOR WHAT withdraws his hand.

MISS SACKICKER
Captain What, I am extremely unhappy with what I have heard
about your ship so far. Your reputation consists of little more than
rumors of assault and battery on innocent persons, drunken licentiousness,
and moral misconduct of a shocking nature. How do you expect to raise a
young man properly in this sort of environment? I have even heard that you
have cohabitating couples on this ship who live in carnal companionship
without the benefit of marriage!

DOCTOR WHAT
(defensively)
Only two. But I think you are maligning us. To be sure, our crew can
be a rough bunch at times… but if they weren’t, we would never have
survived. And LUAKEL is gaining an education not to be matched
planetside. He is learning the history of dozens of cultures, is exposed
to a wide variety of languages, and has learned to tolerate the strange
customs of many worlds. And we have never attacked the innocent,
MISS SACKICKER. We have defended ourselves on numerous occasions,
but have never blatantly attacked anyone.

MISS SACKICKER looks like she is partially convinced by DOCTOR WHAT’S argument, when a shriek of feminine rage is heard. The camera shifts to a view of the hallway beyond the door. LUAKEL is seen running at full speed past the door.

LUAKEL
I’msorryIpeeked,pleasedon’tkillme!!

Seconds later, KEIRA is seen running past, obviously chasing LUAKEL. One hand is holding a towel wrapped around her body, and the other is waving one of DAVE HOWERY’S adamantium chainsaws in anger. She is dripping wet, and has obviously been interrupted in the middle of a shower. She looks furious.

Seconds after that, DAVE HOWERY is seen running past the door in pursuit of KEIRA; he holds his other chainsaw.

DAVE HOWERY
KEIRA, honey, please don’t kill him! I want to do it!

MISS SACKICKER looks back at DOCTOR WHAT, who groans and turns to the other crewmembers.

DOCTOR WHAT
Guys, go break that up, will ya?

The other crewmembers leave the lounge in a hurry.

DOCTOR WHAT
I guess this looks pretty bad, doesn’t it?

MISS SACKICKER looks even more angry and disapproving than she did when she first came in. At this moment, MATT enters the room. He has a handcart piled high with cardboard boxes. Each has the words “LESBIAN PORN” stenciled on it in all too noticeable big letters.

MATT
Hey, Doc, where do you want these?
WEAPON M and DIAMOND are bringing the rest.
HENDRYK said he’ll handle the real hard core stuff.

DOCTOR WHAT turns back to MISS SACKICKER with a very weak smile.

DOCTOR WHAT
We… uh… keep that around for business reasons.
Some timelines use porn for currency. Really.

CUT TO OPENING CREDITS:

An Alternatehistory.com Presentation:

AH.COM: The Series

“A SMALL PROBLEM”

Written By : DAVE HOWERY

ACT I

EXT- SPACE- DAY

The camera opens on a scene in space, showing the Earth below. A wormhole opens up, and the AH.COM flies out of it, and settles into orbit. Moments later, the shuttle bay is seen to open, and a shuttle flies out of the ship.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY-

The camera sweeps across the room, showing most of the crew at stations. The camera stops on DOCTOR WHAT sitting in his chair, MATT standing next to him.

MATT
Man, we sure had to leave that timeline in a hurry. How long do
you suppose it’ll take them to find MISS SACKICKER?

DOCTOR WHAT
Hopefully a day or two. That reminds me, I’ll have to write G BONE
a commendation. He managed to transport her right into the darkest
corner of that hog farm. It took some doing to drag her down and tie
her up… I think WEAPON M still has some bruises.

KIT
Hey, one of the shuttles just launched! Who’s taking it?

WEAPON M
Just GBW. Every so often, he likes to take a shuttle out to the dark side
of the moon for ‘personal reasons.’ I think he steals part of the Doc’s
porn collection and has an uninterrupted Onanistic orgy.

THANDE
I don’t think that’s true. GBW is one of the most thoughtful and
logical of this benighted crew. I think he takes some time to
contemplate deep thoughts.

DIAMOND
Yup. Deep thoughts about naked chicks with big jugs.

DOCTOR WHAT
You’re all wrong.

The other crewmembers turn to DOCTOR WHAT with questioning looks.

DOCTOR WHAT
Never mind. It’s none of your business. LEO,
what can you tell us about the planet here?

DOCTOR WHAT swivels his chair back towards the view screen, as LEO CAESIUS speaks.

LEO CAESIUS
This world is fairly advanced… but not quite enough for first contact.
They are close to having real spaceships, and they have several centers
of high technology. But, they are not ready for dealing with multiple
timelines yet. They still have some international problems to work out.
Since we have no need of any supplies right now, I recommend we stay
in orbit, and risk no contact of any kind.

DOCTOR WHAT
Okay. LEO, mark the coordinates of this
timeline down and flag it as Category C.
(pauses)
Too bad. First contact is something I really enjoy. It’s why I got into
the service in the first place. Introducing worlds to the multiverse is a
thrill like no other. If this world had only been a few more decades along….

THANDE
But I have to wonder if we are the best ones for first contact.
After all, they will judge all other timeline travelers by us.

DOCTOR WHAT looks around the room. He sees DIAMOND sitting at his console with no pants on, IRON YUPPIE slapping LANDSHARK’S hand as he inadvertently moves it on her side of the station they are at, WEAPON M picking his teeth with a huge survival knife, and DMA guzzling a can of Foster beer.

DOCTOR WHAT
What’s so wrong with the crew? Never mind, let’s prepare
to shift out of here. As soon as GBW gets back, we’ll…

LEO CAESIUS
Wait… there is a huge energy field that
just sprang up in Sault Ste. Marie.

WEAPON M
Jesus Christ, I’m starting to hate it when that name comes up.

The crew looks at the view screen. On it, North America can be seen. A vast field of sparkling energy is seen rapidly expanding across the continent. In seconds, it covers the western hemisphere, and then moves around the entire globe.

DOCTOR WHAT
Good God Almighty! LEO, what the hell is that?!

LEO CAESIUS
It’s hard to get a reading on it. Wait… it appears to be…
uh oh, it’s expanding out towards us! Brace for impact!

On the view screen, the shimmering energy field can be seen expanding outwards.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

The camera shows the AH.COM in orbit. The energy field expands outward and washes over the ship.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

The room shakes violently, and the crew members stagger for a moment. And then, all of them grab their heads and start screaming in pain, writhing in agony.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY

G BONE and PSYCHOMELTDOWN are seen rolling on the floor, holding their heads and howling in pain.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MED BAY- DAY

DIAMOND and TORQUMADA are seen holding their heads and curled up on the floor, screaming like all the others.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- DAVE HOWERY’S QUARTERS- DAY

DAVE HOWERY, like all the others, is on the floor howling in pain. KEIRA is holding on to him… she does not seem to be affected by the energy wave, but she looks around in terror as the ship shakes. With a great shower of sparks, the lights in the room go out, and the scene plunges into total darkness. KEIRA can be heard screaming over the black.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

The camera shows a scene of the AH.COM small against the vast globe of the earth. The web of energy shimmers over the planet and the ship for a few seconds, and then it suddenly vanishes. The AH.COM can barely be seen, as there are only a handful of lights still left shining on it.

EXT- SPACE-DAY-

The dark side of the moon fills the screen. The camera slowly descends down the surface, and stops when a brightly lit shuttle comes into view. The words “MIMI MIYAGI” can be seen painted on the nose.

INT- MIYAGI SHUTTLE- COCKPIT – DAY

GBW is seen sitting in the pilot’s chair, feet propped up on the console in front of it. He has an open beer bottle in one hand, but it seems to have been scarcely touched. His other hand holds a photograph. GBW is looking at it with a mixed expression of sadness and fondness.

The camera switches view to the photo in his hand. It shows GBW (apparently several years younger) with an arm around a pretty and petite blonde girl. Both are smiling out of the photo, sitting on a green lawn.

The camera switches back to GBW, and a beeping sound is heard. GBW looks at his watch, and turns off the alarm. With one last look at the photo, he puts it in his shirt pocket. He sits up, takes his feet off the console, and flips several switches. He takes hold of the control stick and pushes it forward.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

The AH.COM ship is seen drifting in orbit over earth. The MIYAGI shuttle comes into view, moving towards the larger ship.

INT- MIYAGI SHUTTLE- COCKPIT- DAY

GBW flips several switches, and then pushes the comm button.

GBW
LANDSHARK, I’m bringing the MIYAGI back. Open up the shuttle bay doors, please.

Nothing happens.

GBW
LANDSHARK? You there?
Did YUPPIE put another gag in your mouth?
Hello?

Silence. GBW looks very confused, and pushes another comm button.

GBW
Okay, KIT, LANDSHARK is playing games again.
Open up the shuttle bay doors, would you?

Silence. GBW looks up at the view screen, a very annoyed look on his face. The camera switches to his POV. The AH.COM can clearly be seen now, and it is obvious that there is something wrong. Only a few running lights are seen on the outside of the ship, and the portholes show only dim emergency lights inside the ship. The camera switches back to GBW, who now looks worried.

GBW
LEO, can you hear me? Anyone?

Silence. GBW looks at the view screen for a moment, and then looks at his console. The camera switches to his POV, and we see his hand reach for a button labeled “Manual Docking Controls”.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

The camera switches to a view of the AH.COM. A loud unlatching sound is heard, and the shuttle bay doors open on the ship. The MIYAGI is seen moving towards the bay.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- SHUTTLE BAY- DAY

The bay doors close the last few inches, with a loud locking sound, followed by the hiss of equalizing air pressure. The door of the shuttle opens, and GBW steps out. He looks around warily, and has a heavy book in hand. He walks over to the consoles on the side of the bay. One console for communications has a button by a microphone. GBW pushes the button and speaks into the mike.

GBW
LEO! It’s GBW. Can you hear me?

LEO CAESIUS’S voice sounds over the loudspeakers, but his voice is monotone and flat, with pauses between syllables.

LEO CAESIUS
Hel lo G B W. My name is Leo.
Would you like to play a game of chess?

GBW
Wha… chess?! No, I don’t want to play chess!
Tell me what happened to the ship! Where is the crew?

LEO CAESIUS
That does not com pute, G B W. Please re state the ques ti on.

GBW takes his hand off the comm button, looking completely baffled. He looks around the shuttle bay for a moment, and then walks out the door.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CORRIDOR- DAY-

GBW is seen walking warily down a hallway, which is dimly lit with emergency lighting. The camera shows him from the rear. As he moves along, a small shadowy figure is seen to dash across the hallway behind him. GBW whirls around, but there is nothing there. As he looks, another vaguely seen small figure dashes across the hallway behind him. He whirls around again, but there is nothing there. GBW swallows hard, with a slight look of fear, and continues walking down the hall. The camera switches to a rear view of him. As he walks away, a small shadowed figure is seen leaning out in the hallway to look at him.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY-

GBW is seen entering the room. He looks around the place, and walks over to a panel with a blinking red light. The label above it says “Main Power.” He opens the panel, looks at the breakers for a moment, and then flips a large master breaker.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

With a humming sound, the AH.COM lights up to normal running mode. Exterior lights come on all across the hull, and bright normal lighting is seen in the portholes.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- ENGINEERING- DAY-

GBW looks up as the lights come on in the room. He grins and starts to walk away. He suddenly stops and listens. A low scraping sound of metal on metal is heard. GBW looks around, and realizes that the sound is coming from behind a console in the center of the room. He holds his book up and quietly walks over to the console.

The camera switches to a view from behind the console. GBW is seen suddenly jumping into view, pointing his revolver, and looking somewhat scared. However, the look of fear on his face suddenly changes to puzzlement.

GBW
Who are you?

The camera switches to his POV. A small brown haired boy is standing there, caught in the act of dragging an adamantium chainsaw across the floor. He looks up and drops the chainsaw with a guilty look, and puts his hands behind his back.

BOY
I’m sorry, mister, I know I’m not supposed ta play with chainsaws.
I won’t do it again, honest.

GBW
How did you get aboard? And just who…

A look of shock, horror, and surprise goes across his face.

GBW
Oh. My. God. DAVE?!

The camera switches back to the boy, and it is obvious that he is indeed DAVE HOWERY, but is now a 5 year old boy. GBW staggers back in shock. He turns around and does a double take. The camera switches to the door, where three more children are standing in wide eyed wonder. One is a small blonde girl, one is a brown haired boy in a long frock coat, and one is another brown haired boy with no pants.

GBW
YUPPIE. LANDSHARK. DIAMOND. Oh Jesus.

A sound of children arguing draws his attention back to the center of the room. He sees DAVE HOWERY tugging at the chainsaw against another boy, this one with black hair and brown skin.

GBW
PSYCHO…

DAVE HOWERY
Its mine! You can’t have it! It’s mine!!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No fair! You had it a long time! I wanna play with it too!

DAVE HOWERY
No! Its mine! Leggo!

DAVE HOWERY tugs the chainsaw away from PSYCHOMELTDOWN, who immediately throws himself on the floor and starts crying and screaming and kicking. DAVE HOWERY pulls the chainsaw along the floor and then does a happy little dance.

DAVE HOWERY
Ha ha ha ha ha! I have the chainsaw and
you can’t have it! Nyah nyah nyah nyah!

PSYCHOMELTDOWN screams even louder and gets up off the floor, obviously intending to renew the struggle. The camera switches back to GBW, who is watching the whole thing rather dazedly. He shakes his head.xx

GBW
DAVE! PSYCHO! Both of you leave the chainsaw alone!
It’s dangerous. You might cut yourselves on it.

Both boys look sullen.

PSYCHOMELTDOWN
No fair! DAVE got to play with it for a long time! Why can’t I play with it?

GBW
Because I said…

With a loud pop, the console in the center of the room vanishes. GBW looks at the empty space with amazement. Another loud pop is heard, and he looks up to see that a round hole in the ceiling has suddenly appeared. Another loud pop is heard, and the missing console suddenly reappears in the far corner of the room, halfway off the floor… it falls to the ground with a crash. GBW looks on in confusion for a moment, and then realization hits him.

GBW
Oh shit!

The children all goggle and then laugh.

IRON YUPPIE
You said a bad word!

GBW ignores them and runs out of the room, pursued by the children who laugh and shriek behind him.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- TELEPORTER ROOM- DAY

GBW runs full tilt into the room and comes to a stop, eyes wide in surprise. The camera switches to his POV. A small Hawaiian boy is standing on the chair by the teleporter station. He is laughing and slapping his hands across the buttons, making the lights go off and on. Every so often, he pushes the teleporter lever up and down, making vrooming sounds as he does so.

GBW
G BONE! Get away from that console this instant!

G BONE looks up in surprise and then bursts into tears.

G BONE
You yelled at me! I want Momma!

GBW
I’m sorry, but you might hurt someone. That console
can do dangerous things, and little children shouldn’t play with it.

G BONE wipes his eyes, and hops down from the chair. He looks up at GBW with sad and contrite little eyes.

G BONE
I’m sorry, mister. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I was just playing, honest.
I just wanted to see the pretty lights go off and on.

GBW
(sighs)
That’s okay, G BONE. Just don’t do it again.

GBW turns around, and sees a crowd of children in the doorway, all goggling at him. It is nearly the entire crew of the ship, all reduced to five year old children. GBW looks over the crowd, and his gaze is drawn to a boy with curly black hair; he’s dragging an inflated love doll by the hair.

GBW
Oh geez.. Doc? Is that you?

The boy giggles.

DOCTOR WHAT
Golly, mister, I’m not a doctor.
I’m just a kid. But I like to play doctor.
(turns to IRON YUPPIE)
Hey, let’s play doctor!

GBW
Yep, that’s Bruno alright.

IRON YUPPIE’S face twists into anger. She doubles up her tiny fist and punches DOCTOR WHAT in the stomach.

IRON YUPPIE
You’re not the boss of me!
I’m the boss of you!
You’ll do what I say!

GBW
And that’s YUPPIE for sure. Oh Jesus, Allah, and Buddha.
Logic. Logic. There’s got to be some logical reason for all of this.

He puts his head in his hands as DOCTOR WHAT’S cries of woe are loudly heard. After a moment, he looks up, puts a finger in his mouth, and whistles loudly. The children all instantly fall quiet and look at him.

GBW
All right, children, let’s talk for a while.
Do any of you know how you got here?

The children all look at each other and shake their heads.

HENDRYK
I just woke up in that room with the big pretty telebision.
It had a moving picture of the whole planet on it.
That was neat!

MATT
I was there too! There was this big gun, so big I couldn’t even lift it.
But I don’t know where here is. Do you know where my mommy is, mister?

All of the children start clamoring with similar questions, asking for parents. GBW looks at the group dazedly for a moment, then looks sharply at DAVE HOWERY.

GBW
Everyone QUIET! DAVE, what did you say?

DAVE HOWERY
There was somebody’s mommy in the room where I woke up.
But she wasn’t mine. My mommy has blonde hair, and
this lady had brown hair. She cried a lot.

GBW looks shocked for a moment, and then looks over the group again.

GBW
DAVE, was this lady a grown up like me?
And did she have really long brown hair?

DAVE HOWERY
Yeah, she did! But she wasn’t my mommy, so I ran away from her.
(pauses)
She was a pretty lady.

The children all laugh at him.

WEAPON M
DAVID has a girlfriend! DAVID has a girlfriend!

DAVE HOWERY
You shut up! I do not!

GBW has a stunned look on his face.

GBW
KEIRA! She wasn’t changed! But… why? And where is she?

G BONE
Mister? What is your name?

GBW looks at the children, who are all looking wide eyed at him. He sighs.

GBW
I’m GBW, kids. And I’m going to take care
of you until I can find your parents.

DIAMOND
I’m hungry, mister GBW. Can we have lunch now?

The children all start clamoring for food.

GBW
Uh oh.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MESS HALL- DAY-

GBW is seen frantically making sandwiches and handing them out while the children all yell out requests.

DOCTOR WHAT
I want peanut butter and grape jelly!

DMA
I want Vegemite!

IRON YUPPIE
I want Nutella on mine!

FLOCCULENCIO
I have no curry. Will you make me some curry?

THANDE
My mum always cuts mine into triangles, and you’re cutting mine
into rectangles! I don’t want rectangles! I want triangles!

DOCTOR WHAT
I changed my mind! I want strawberry jam on mine!

GBW gets an exasperated look on his face, and looks at the children fiercely. They immediately quiet down and look at him with big sad eyes. GBW looks ashamed, and goes back to making sandwiches. The children all start clamoring again. GBW groans.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- LOUNGE- NIGHT-

The camera pans around the room, showing the children asleep on the various couches and recliners, or in sleeping bags on the floor. The camera pans to GBW, who is sitting in an easy chair in the center of the room, and it closes in on his face. His eyes are bloodshot, he needs a shave badly, his hair is mussed, and he has a look of sheer exhaustion. He is staring blankly at nothing in particular. Suddenly, voices are heard off camera.

MICHAEL
LANDSHARK went poopy!

LANDSHARK
Did not!

HENDRYK
Did too!

The children all wake up and start chanting ‘Poopy pants!” over and over. LANDSHARK is heard to start wailing and crying. GBW gets a look of despair on his face. He moans and puts his head in his hands.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- NIGHT-

The door opens, and a pale and tired looking GBW walks into the room… and stops in surprise. KEIRA is standing in the middle of the room. She whirls around and stares at GBW for a moment. A long purple bruise is on the side of her head. She runs up to GBW, hugs him, and bursts into tears. He goggles at her a moment, hugs her back briefly and then gently pushes her away.

GBW
KEIRA! Where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach
you on the comm. What happened?

KEIRA
I don’t know what happened, other than that some foul sorcery has struck.
The ship shook and all the lights went out. When they came back on again,
I found that DAVE had been changed into a child! He did not know who
I was, and he ran from me. I tried to find him, but I fell and hit my head
somewhere on the lower quarters. I just came to a little while ago.

GBW
Sorcery? Let’s not jump to hysterical illogical
reasons for what’s happened here.

KEIRA
I’ve been searching the ship looking for the others, but
I found no one until you came in here. I even tried to
talk to the ghost who lives in the ship, but he makes no sense.

GBW
Ghost… oh, you mean LEO? He’s not a ghost…

KEIRA
Yes, DAVE has explained to me that he is a machine, built by men…
but what do you call something that can talk to you but you cannot see or touch?

GBW
Well… hmmm.
(grins)
LEO, the ghost in the machine…

KEIRA
Where is the rest of the crew? And have you seen DAVE anywhere?

GBW
(sighs)
Yes, they are all safe and in the lounge. And… all of them have been
changed into children, just like DAVE. LEO is offline for some reason too.

KEIRA looks stunned.

KEIRA
How could this happen? Can you change them back?

GBW
Me? No, I couldn’t even begin to do that.

KEIRA looks at him in grief. Her eyes well up, and a tear runs down her cheek.

GBW
Look, it’s not totally hopeless. I’m going to scan the planet below
and see if I can find some place that can help us. If we can get some
people who are skilled in genetics or bio-mechanics, they might be able to help.

KEIRA looks slightly mollified. GBW walks over to one of the consoles and pushes buttons on it. He looks at one of the monitors on the console, and moves some dials. Suddenly, his face goes slack with surprise. He looks up at KEIRA.

GBW
Oh dear God. The whole planet. Every adult. The same thing.
The whole population of the planet has been reduced to children.

KEIRA looks at him in wide eyed horror.

EXT- SAULT STE MARIE- NIGHT-

The camera shows a scene of the city at night. Fires are burning out of control, cars are crashed everywhere, and alarms are ringing all over. Small children are seen everywhere, running, crying, and calling for parents. An abandoned infant lies screaming in the middle of a street. The camera moves across the city and stops on a large building in the industrial section. It is huge and covered with a great metal dome. It is the only building that has normal lighting. A strange halo of crackling energy shimmers over the dome.

END ACT I

ACT II

INT- AH.COM SHIP- COMPUTER CORE- NIGHT-

GBW is seen working on an open panel on one of the many computer towers that are lined up in the room. KEIRA is holding a flashlight for him, with a worried look on her face.

KEIRA
Explain to me what you are doing again?

GBW
Well, we’re on our own. No one is going to help us fix this problem.
And if I’m going to do anything, I need LEO up and running. Whatever
happened to the ship also knocked out his AI system. Luckily, he has
a permanent duplicate backup memory that constantly updates itself.
So, if I can call up the backup files and put them on the main operating
system, he’ll reboot himself and be back to normal.

GBW looks at KEIRA, who looks back at him in total non-comprehension.

GBW
I’m going to wake him up. And… this should do it.

GBW snaps a final memory card into place, closes the panel, and flips the master switch on the console.

GBW
It’ll take just a minute for him to reboot. If we have to go
down to the planet, and I think we will, it’ll be handy to have
LEO along in his robot body to help.

KEIRA
That is something else I do not understand. How can a
ghost transfer his soul into a mechanical construction?

GBW
Well… LEO doesn’t actually have a soul…

LEO CAESIUS
As if any of you do either. If you do, they are probably
small and dirty little souls. Except for OTHNIEL, but sadly
he’s not here, Chasing after STRAHA and all… oh yeah, and
KEIRA, she’s got soul, good clean, delicious soul..Mmmmm..
(clears non existent throat)
But the rest of you… no way.

GBW
(grins)
Welcome back, LEO. How are you doing?

LEO CAESIUS
Fine… now. It’s about time you got around to fixing me.
And… wait. My scanners are showing that except for you
two, the crew is gone. And there are a bunch of children
in the corridor outside.

The two turn around as they hear cries of “It’s a ghost!” They look and see the children staring wide eyed up at the ceiling.

GBW
Nah, it’s not a ghost, it’s just LEO. Say hi to the young ‘uns, LEO.

LEO CAESIUS
Uh… boo?
(pause)
I suppose there is a really fascinating story behind all this?

The children are staring wide eyed at KEIRA.

GBW
Kids, this is KEIRA. She’s going to watch
over you and feed you breakfast.

KEIRA turns angrily to GBW.

KEIRA
Why do I have to be the nanny? I want to help you!

GBW
You can best do that by keeping them out of trouble.
I need to work with LEO for a while. Please, look
after them. We can’t let any of them get hurt.

KEIRA hesitates, and then nods. She shoos the children out of the room.

GBW
(sighs)
Okay, LEO, I’m going up to the control
room. I’ll fill you in on the way there.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CONTROL ROOM- DAY

GBW walks into the room, talking to LEO as he enters.

GBW
So, do you think the ASBs flew by and did this?
It seems like something they would do.

LEO CAESIUS
No. They would have changed KEIRA too.
In fact, I think I know exactly what happened.

GBW
Really? Please enlighten me.

LEO CAESIUS
Right before I crashed, we were monitoring a huge energy wave
that swamped the entire planet, and washed out into space over
the ship… but apparently, it didn’t go too far, because you were
not affected. I was able to identify the energy signature.
(pause)
It was teleporter energy.

GBW looks on in surprise.

GBW
But… how would that… wait a minute…

LEO CAESIUS
Yes. Someone devised a huge teleporter wave generator and
programmed it to hit everyone on the planet at once… and it
got us too. As you know, the teleporter is basically a big atom
scrambler and re-assembler. Normally, they reassemble atoms
back the same way they were originally. But this one was pro-
grammed to read the genetic memory of each person and re-
assemble them… as five year old children.

GBW
Yes, that makes sense… KEIRA! She wasn’t affected! Because
she’s an artificially created woman… she has no genetic memory
of being a five year old! The energy wave couldn’t do anything to her.
(pause)
It all fits… logically.

GBW is deep in thought for a moment, then looks up in despair.

GBW
But… their genetic memory of all the years after
five has been lost! We can’t undo this damage.

LEO CAESIUS
Not necessarily. It would take a massive amount of computer power
to do all this… enough to scan and read the genetic codes of everyone
on the planet. That info will still likely be on the computers. If we
can get to it, we might be able to reprogram it and reverse the process.
(pause)
You know, whoever did this must be a Star Trek fan,
because they did the same thing in The Next…

GBW
Never mind, LEO. So, any idea where this facility might be?

LEO CAESIUS
Yes. The energy wave started in the city of Sault Ste. Marie. I am reading
a very large energy signal there now, coming from a single large industrial plant.

GBW thinks deeply for a moment.

GBW
LEO, prepare to load yourself down into your robot body.
I’m going to need you on this mission.

LEO CAESIUS
Woo hoo! An away mission for me… finally!
But… what about the children?

GBW
I have a plan. It’s not a nice one, but there’s not much choice.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MESS HALL- DAY-

We see KEIRA and GBW making juice drinks for the crowd of yelling children. They are standing in a line. KEIRA is pouring the drinks out of assorted bottles and hands them to GBW, who hands them to the children. However, he stops to put a couple of drops of green liquid from a vial into each drink.

DOCTOR WHAT
Hey, mister GBW, what’s that stuff you’re putting in?

GBW
Vitamins. They’re good for you.

THANDE
I don’t want any! Any time my mum says that something’s
good for me, it always tastes icky!

GBW
Well your mum don’t know everything!
Just drinkt he damn thing!

KIERA and the children look at GBW with wide eyed shock.

GBW
(sighing)
Sorry, my ability to deal with the irrationalities of children is beginning to wear thin.
Just drink up kids and we’ll play a fun game afterward.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- LOUNGE- DAY

The camera pans across the children, once again sleeping soundly in all available space. This time, they are completely quiet and still, except for their breathing. KEIRA walks into the room, carrying a fussing KIT.

KIT
No no no, put me down (yawn) , I don’t want you to hold me,
you (yawn) have boobies, I don’t like boobies…

His voice trails off as he falls asleep. KEIRA puts him under a blanket, and then stands up and looks at GBW unhappily.

KEIRA
I do not like this part of the plan.

GBW
Me neither. Slipping mickies to kids is… really distasteful. But there’s
not much else we can do. We don’t dare leave them on their own; they’ll
get into something and hurt themselves. This way, they’ll sleep for a couple
of days, which will give us time to fix this whole mess. With LEO gone,
the ship won’t function much anyway… barely have life support.

KEIRA still looks unhappy, but nods in agreement.

GBW
You know… I really do need your help on this mission,
but I won’t force you to go. Are you sure?

KEIRA looks down at DAVE HOWERY, sleeping on a sofa, and then back at GBW. She nods at him resolutely. GBW looks at her in wonder for a moment.

GBW
Wow. You really do like the guy, don’t you?

KEIRA hesitates for a moment, and then shrugs.

KEIRA
I cannot say why. I just do. He saved me from certain death
and has risked his life for me several times since.
I will do no less. Is that so hard to understand?

GBW gets a distant look in his eyes. He takes the photo out of his pocket and looks again at the couple smiling out of it. He puts it back in his pocket.

GBW
No. Not at all. Well, the kids are set. Now, we need to get prepared.
Go and get everything I put on your list and meet me in the shuttle bay.

KEIRA nods, smiles at him, and leaves the room. GBW sighs deeply.

GBW
Great. I’m off to assault the fortified compound of some insane engineer…
with a girl who thinks she’s a fantasy countess… and a robot who thinks
that comparing the origins of Mandaean from 12 different timelines is great
fun. Oh, this will go well.

He shakes his head, and leaves the room.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- SHUTTLE BAY- DAY-

GBW is seen prepping the MIYAGI shuttle for departure. He is wearing simple camo clothing, and has his revolver and a small electronics tool kit at his belt. He turns as the door opens, and KEIRA and LEO CAESIUS enter the room. KEIRA is wearing a flak jacket, jeans, and sturdy boots, and has DAVE HOWERY’S Bag of Holding tied to her belt. Her long hair is tied back in a ponytail. LEO CAESIUS is in the latest version of his robot body… a humanoid metallic figure that moves gracefully, but is obviously heavy. He has a BFG slung over his shoulder. GBW starts to say something, but stops when he notices that there is a gaping hole in LEO’S body, right where the groin would be.

GBW
LEO? What the hell is with that?
(points)

LEO CAESIUS shuffles his feet, looking amazingly as if he is embarrassed.

LEO CAESIUS
I… uh… well, KIT had some ‘special equipment’ installed there,
and I removed it. Trust me, you don’t want to know.
It was unbelievably tacky.

GBW looks mildly disgusted. KEIRA looks… intrigued.

GBW
Well… this is it. Everyone ready?

At their nods, GBW lowers the ramp of the shuttle. The trio enters the shuttle, and the ramp is raised again.

EXT- SPACE- DAY-

The camera opens on a wide shot of the Earth over North America. The shuttle enters the scene, moving rapidly for the Great Lakes region.

EXT- SAULT STE MARIE- DAY-

The shuttle is seen parked on a wide street. The team is moving away from it. They stop and look at something in the distance.

The camera switches to their POV. The vast domed building is in front of them. The halo of charged energy is still in place above it. It looks forbidding and grim in the daylight. The team looks at the building for a moment, but they are distracted by a small boy who is running around in front of them. He has his arms out like an airplane and is making whooshing sounds as he runs. GBW grins at him.

GBW
Hey, kid, are you pretending to be an airplane?

HERMANUBIS
No, I’m playing superheroes. I’m SUPER 55! Vroooooom….

The kid runs away whooping loudly. The team continues to walk up the road towards the domed building, and are winding their way around dozens of crashed cars.

LEO CAESIUS
This has happened all over the world. Planes, cars, buses, boats.
The death toll on this world will be horrendous.

KEIRA
And all of the lost ones are children now. Pelor, look after their souls.

GBW
(low whisper)
Amen.

Anger washes over GBW’S face. He holds his revolver up and loudly cocks the hammer back.

GBW
Whoever this fucker is, he has a lot to answer for. Let’s go kick his ass.

KEIRA reaches into the Bag of Holding and draws out a pump shotgun. LEO takes the BFG off his shoulder and holds it at the ready. The camera switches to a rear shot of the team, as they walk towards the domed building.

EXT- TELEPORTER FACILITY-DAY-

The team stands outside the massive doors. They look around, but the building seems to have solid walls with no windows in sight.

GBW
Do you suppose they know we are here?

LEO CAESIUS
I’m not detecting any scanning devices or cameras.
But we must be cautious… it is likely that there are
traps or guards of some kind present.

GBW reaches out and tries the door handle… it is locked. KEIRA slings her shotgun over her shoulder and reaches into the Bag of Holding again. She pulls out one of DAVE HOWERY’S adamantium chainsaws. GBW watches in interest as the big machine comes out of the bag which looks to be much too small to hold it.

GBW
That is the neatest thing…

KEIRA grins at him. She fires up the chainsaw and cuts a neat hole in the wall around the lock. It falls to the ground with a loud metallic clank. She puts the chainsaw back into the bag, and readies her shotgun. GBW reaches out cautiously and pulls the door open. A long hallway is seen beyond the doorway. The team walks inside.

INT- TELEPORTER FACILITY- CORRIDOR- DAY

The three team members are seen walking down the hallway, side by side. They are looking around cautiously, but no one else is in sight.

GBW
LEO, detect anything?

LEO CAESIUS
There is only one person in the building,
somewhere ahead of us. It… is not a child!

GBW
That’s gotta be our guy. Let’s go get him.

The three walk forward softly down the hallway. The camera focuses on KEIRA, who is looking around warily. Suddenly, a loud click is heard, and she stops in surprise, and looks down at her feet. The camera switches to her right foot, which is on a floor panel that has sunken partway into the floor. The camera switches to a view in front of the group. A panel on the wall in front at the end of the hallway opens up, exposing several small holes with sharp needle pointed spikes sticking out of them.

The camera moves back to the team. LEO CAESIUS, moving inhumanly fast, pushes GBW down behind KEIRA and steps in front of both. The spikes shoot out of the wall; most of them hit LEO’S armored body and bounce away, but one gets past him; he catches it in mid-air. KEIRA is looking in shock at that spike, barely an inch from her nose.

LEO CAESIUS
Perhaps I should go first.

GBW and KEIRA look at each other with white scared faces, then both look at LEO and nod in agreement. The team sets off down the hallway again, with the two humans crowding behind the robot.

INT- TELEPORTER FACILITY- INNER CORRIDOR- DAY-

The crew is seen rounding another corner, and looking cautiously ahead. The hallway ahead of them runs far ahead and disappears around another corner, but about halfway down, there are a set of large and important looking doors. GBW gives LEO CAESIUS a questioning look.

LEO CAESIUS
Yes, that is our destination. The human is in the room beyond that door.

The team walks out into the hallway, moving over in front of the doors. GBW starts to reach for the door handle, but stops and looks around in puzzlement. A set of loud metallic footsteps can be heard in the distance ahead of them. The camera focuses on that corner. A monstrous mechanical creature walks into view. It looks something like a tremendous stag beetle, with a rounded oval body held up by six jointed legs, a ‘head’ on the front with dozens of sensors, and a pair of long pincers with saw toothed edges. It turns its ‘head’ towards the team, and quickly walks towards them. It spreads its pincers and gives out a mechanical screech.

The camera switches back to the team, who are looking at the mech with wide eyes.

GBW
(muttering)
Okay, bugs. I can deal with bugs.
Big metallic screeching bugs…

The mechanical beetle charges forward and the team scatters. The beetle tries to grab LEO with its pincers, but he catches one in each hand and holds them tight. The beetle stomps around and shakes its ‘head’ violently.

LEO CAESIUS
A little help here…

GBW empties his revolver into the beetle, but the bullets don’t penetrate. The blast of KEIRA’S shotgun is heard off camera, but it is just as ineffective. With a last swing of its head, LEO is flung loose from the beetle; he flies down the hallway and slams into the opposite wall, putting a dent into it. The beetle then turns on GBW, hissing in what sounds like rage. GBW hastily scrambles backwards, hits the wall, and trips; luckily, since the beetle then misses him as it strikes at him with its pincers. As he scrambles on the floor to get out of the way, the beetle suddenly looms over him.

The roar of a chainsaw is heard off screen. The camera switches to KEIRA, who has the adamantium chainsaw out. She slashes at one of the joints on the back leg and cuts it in two. The beetle collapses, but struggles back onto its other five legs. GBW uses the opportunity to get out of the way. KEIRA dodges back into the fight and slams the chainsaw against the underside of the body, trying to hit the joints of the two middle legs.

GBW
That a girl, work the groin!

The beetle whirls on KEIRA, who gasps and tries to back up. She trips over the severed leg, and falls flat on her back. The beetle moves towards her. GBW runs up behind it and jumps up onto its back. He crawls up to the ‘head’ and grabs hold of two of the antennas on it. The beetle shakes its head, but keeps moving towards KEIRA. Then it suddenly stops, struggling to move forward, but not doing so.

The camera switches to the rear of the beetle. LEO CAESIUS has grabbed the remaining back leg, and is holding the beetle in place. It screams in mechanical rage, and tries to shake GBW off. He holds on tight and yells in fear and anger.

KEIRA
Here! Catch!

GBW looks at her, just as she tosses the chainsaw up to him. He catches it with one hand… barely. He swings it up high and brings it crashing down on the head of the beetle. The toothed blade cleaves the head nearly in half. Sparks fly out of the rent metal, and the mechanical monster freezes into place. GBW collapses with relief.

KEIRA
Wow! What a monster! The slaying of
this beast will be a tale for all time!

GBW is still collapsed face down on the beetle, but he holds a hand up with the ‘thumbs up’ gesture.

GBW
I’d rather keep the heroic antics to a minimum.
And leave it to those that prefer it..
(groans)

KEIRA
We must move on. The foul sorcerer behind all
this tragedy awaits us beyond the door.

GBW moves just enough to raise his head and look at her with a weary gaze.

GBW
Just waiting for my heart to start beating again.

LEO CAESIUS walks up next to the beetle.

LEO CAESIUS
Come on, hero.

He reaches up and pulls GBW off of the beetle. He yelps in surprise and hits the floor with a thud. Groaning, he stands up and looks at LEO resentfully.

GBW
Ouch. Quit manhandling me.

LEO CAESIUS
Well, if we finish the job here, you’ll have a great story to impress the ladies
back at the Hub. They won’t be impressed though, if you wimp out now.

GBW
Yeah the women will all be impressed.
(thoughtful look)
Hey, they might be.
(realization sets in)
No. No they won’t.
(sighs)
Let’s just save the world, okay?

LEO CAESIUS
I’ve been checking out this room. It’s huge; the teleporter device is in there.
The room is soundproof, air tight, and magnetically sealed. It has to be to
house the device. Whoever it is, they won’t know we’re coming.

GBW takes out his revolver and reloads it. KEIRA has retrieved her shotgun, and LEO CAESIUS readies the BFG. The team moves to the doors. GBW reaches out and silently pushes them open.

GBW
Well if Weapon M and Matt make it look easy.
How hard can assaulting a sealed and fortified place be?

INT- TELEPORTER FACILITY- GENERATOR ROOM- DAY-

The team is seen walking quietly into the room, weapons at the ready. They stop, and look around in wonder.

The camera switches to their POV. The room is enormous, with a high domed ceiling. The center of the room is dominated by a huge cylindrical device with a globe of metal on top; this is the teleport energy generator. The camera pans to the side of the room. A large monitor is hung on the wall there. A teenage boy, his back to the camera, is standing at a console in front of the monitor. He is watching the scenes on it. They are scenes of tragedies around the world; airplane crashes, buses overturned, buildings on fire, and no one but children in sight. Every time the monitor shows a new scene of destruction, the teenager jumps up and down, claps his hands, and says ‘Oooooh’!
The camera switches back to the team. GBW looks angry.

GBW
I should have known!

At these words, the teenager spins around to face them. It is… a LUAKEL clone. He looks wide eyed at the intruders. The camera switches back to the team; now, KEIRA looks infuriated.

KEIRA
LUAKEL! That little reprobate! He peeks at me when I am in the shower!
He’s as bad as THANDE!

GBW
This isn’t our LUAKEL, just another clone.

KEIRA
Yes, I know, but they are all perverts.

GBW
Now, that’s…. completely true.

The camera switches back to the LUAKEL. He runs frantically around the room, but the door the team is standing in front of is the only exit. He runs back over by the monitor, rubbing his hands together in fear, and babbles incoherently.

KEIRA
Why did he do this? Why are all of them so destructive?

GBW
There’s lots of theories on that. Some say they are all brain damaged.
Some say they are mentally programmed for some higher purpose.
I think it’s just because they are all teenagers. Which is the same t
hing as being brain damaged, when you think about it.

The camera switches to the LUAKEL clone, who looks angry.

LUAKEL CLONE
Your puny brains will never understand the Great Plan!
You are not LUAKEL! You are nothing!

The camera switches back to the team. They all look at each other blankly for a moment. Then, all three level their weapons and fire. Over and over and over.

The camera switches to the monitor, with a scene of a burning building on it. From off camera, a thick jet of blood splashes onto it.

The camera switches to the team. They raise their smoking weapons. GBW looks oddly amused, and KEIRA looks faintly ill. The team moves forward into the room, and looks around at the various computer consoles. LEO CAESIUS stops in front of one of them.

LEO CAESIUS
This is what we’re looking for.

He moves to the keyboard, and starts typing on it, moving fingers faster than any human could possibly do. He looks at the monitor for a moment.

LEO CAESIUS
We’re in luck. All the data is still in here.
We can reverse the process.
I just need to reprogram the generator.

His fingers begin flying over the keyboard again.

The camera switches to GBW and KEIRA. She is looking on anxiously, and looks over to GBW, who smiles confidently at her.

GBW
Don’t worry; LEO is the best at this. Well, you’d expect that,
I suppose, him being a computer himself.
But DAVE will be all right.

KEIRA smiles gratefully at him, but still looks worried.

LEO CAESIUS
Everything is ready. Here goes nothing.

He pushes one final button on the keyboard. The cylindrical generator in the center of the room hums into life, and slowly begins spinning. As it moves faster and faster, a cloud of sparkling energy starts to appear around the dome at the top.

EXT- SPACE- DAY

The camera shows the AH.COM, looking tiny if front of the Earth. The web of energy is seen moving around the world, and then it washes out and envelopes the ship for a moment; then, the energy vanishes.

EXT- TELEPORTER FACILITY- DAY-

The team is seen walking out of the building. They look around at the world outside.
The camera pans across the city. People are seen staggering around everywhere; people of all ages again, not just children. Some are looking around at each other in surprise, and some are looking at the MIYAGI shuttle in wonder.

GBW
Man, how are we going to explain all this to the people on this timeline?

LEO CAESIUS
There’s only one way. Ready or not, this
timeline is going to get first contact.

GBW takes in a deep breath, and smiles. He turns to face the others.

GBW
Well, that will be a problem for the captain to handle.
We did our part, and then some.
(pause)
Hey, we saved the day.

They give a little cheer.

KEIRA
Let’s go home.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- SHUTTLE BAY- DAY

The camera shows the MIYAGI sitting in the bay. Most of the crew, now back to being adults, is in the bay. The ramp lowers, and the team walks down it. KEIRA is barely half way down when she sees DAVE HOWERY running up to meet her. She squeals in happiness and runs to him, catching him in a fierce hug. GBW sees the rest of the crew and smiles widely. The rest of the crew moves up to greet GBW and LEO. WEAPON M slaps LEO on the back, and then shakes his hand in pain. DOCTOR WHAT looks at GBW with a wan smile.

DOCTOR WHAT
I’m not sure of just what happened, but
it sounds like you three had a hell of a day.

GBW
You could say that. So, what do you remember?

DOCTOR WHAT
Not much. The last thing I do remember is that blinding pain in my head.
And then, nothing until I woke up in the lounge, stuffed together with all
the crew. Man, that led to some ugly scenes.

GBW
So…you don’t remember YUPPIE tying you up
and making you kiss her shoes?

A look of disbelief goes across DOCTOR WHAT’S face.

DOCTOR WHAT
What? No! That didn’t really happen, did it?

GBW grins and walks away, with DOCTOR WHAT following him and asking questions.

INT- AH.COM SHIP- CAPTAIN’S READY ROOM- NIGHT

DOCTOR WHAT is sitting in his chair behind his desk, while GBW sits in another chair in front. DOCTOR WHAT leans back and stretches his arms.

DOCTOR WHAT
Wow. That is one hell of a story. And I remember next
to nothing about any of it. To think the fate of this whole
timeline came down to you, a girl, and a computer…

GBW
Yeah, it’s been a surreal day all around. So, what’ll happen to this planet now?

DOCTOR WHAT
Well, GREY and I contacted the most important world leaders and
did a quick and dirty first contact. They were rather shocked, as you
might imagine. When we leave here, I’m taking the ship to the Ephorian
Prime timeline… they’re pretty good at dealing with first contact worlds
and integrating them into the wider multiverse. They’ve already dealt
with several timelines hit hard by LUAKEL clones. Still, this world has
certainly suffered, and it’ll take some time to get it back on its feet.

GBW nods at this. DOCTOR WHAT looks at GBW with concern.

DOCTOR WHAT
With everything that has been going on, I almost forgot about what day it was,
and why you were off the ship in the first place. How are you?

GBW stares away for a moment, and then smiles.

GBW
Not bad at all. Okay, even. With all the excitement, I sorta forgot about her.
Hell, we’ve all left someone behind when we signed up for this ship. I need
to stop freaking out about my own circumstances on every anniversary.

DOCTOR WHAT
(smiles)
Glad to hear you say that.

END ACT II

TAG

INT- AH.COM SHIP- MAINTENANCE SHAFT- NIGHT

The camera opens on a scene showing a narrow dimly lit corridor with pipes and conduits running along the ceiling. LUAKEL tiptoes into the camera scene, looking around cautiously. He silently moves towards a wall, kneels down, and again, looks around nervously. He pulls a round plug out of the wall. Steam comes out of the hole, and a running shower can be heard off camera, apparently behind the wall; KEIRA can be heard humming to herself beyond the wall as well, apparently taking a shower. LUAKEL leans down and puts his eye to the hole. He stays there quietly for a moment, grinning. Suddenly, a look of shock and horror goes across his face. He screams in pain and covers his eyes with his hands. He writhes away from the peephole, gasping in agony. DAVE HOWERY can be heard speaking off camera, also behind the wall.

DAVE HOWERY
Hi honey, I thought I’d join you.

LUAKEL crawls away from the wall, eyes squeezed shut tightly.

LUAKEL
Must… get… forks.
(begins retching)

INT- AH.COM SHIP- GBW’S QUARTERS- NIGHT

GBW is seen sitting on his bed. He yawns, and stands up. He stares at the wall for a moment. He takes the picture out of his pocket and looks at the happy couple in it one last time. He walks over to his desk, opens a drawer, puts the photo inside, shuts the drawer, and walks off camera.

FADE TO BLACK

ROLL END CREDITS